#technically I said just to ignore the post but especially the tags

[kaysungshine]

Redamancy ['red-a-man-sE] noun ;a love returned in full

Part II out now!

{ Pairing } - idol!bangchan x staff!afab.reader (with a hint of bestfriend!jisung?)

{ Genre } - NSFW, the trifecta (s/a/f), frenimies to friends to lovers? idk but we'll get there in the end

{ Synopsis } - Han Jisung is your new bestie & technical colleague, of course you befriended the rest of his members. Group nights became a tradition, & tonight involves liquor and drinking games for the first time. Truth or drink?

{ WC } - 6.7k

{ Warnings & tags } - 18+ MDNI, NSFW, smut, angst, fluff, drinking, breath play (choking), swearing, dry humping, use of 'babygirl', mention of wet dream, talk of edging, talk of domming, talk of choking, talk of exhibitionism, all of ot8 is suggestive af when they drink, reader and jisung are PLATONIC I promise they're just touchy, they're all giggly drunks so overuse of laughing chuckling and giggling, chan is kinda dumb in this he just... is in denial land but we'll find out more about that later, unrealistic work scenarios, unrealistic dorm setup? idk lol

{ Disclaimer } - This work is in no way associated with the actual skz, and is a fictional piece. I DO NOT own Stray Kids, this fic is just influenced by them!

{ A/N } - Okay I know I took forever to post & this intro is hella long & I'm sorry! Once again, I will say this is my first skz fic. I come from the world of AO3 & dramione. I am out of my comfort zone lol. First time posting stories on tumblr too! So if I missed anything please let me know <3 there will be a part 2, I've already started writing it! The plot is weak af, but gimme a few more stories and I'll find my groove. Promise! Unbeta'd, be gentle with me ♡

It was supposed to be a relatively chill Saturday night, so you were excited. You just got off work, and had arrived at Jisung's. He swung the door open smiling and pulled you inside, into an immediate hug. Everyone said their greetings, and then Jisung went immediately to whining.

"Finally, what kept you so late?"

You took your shoes, mask, sunglasses, and hat off, letting your curls fall down your back. Then you unzipped your sweatshirt, shrugging it off your shoulders and exposing your fitted white tee. You gave your jacket and bag to Ji so he could put them away. You always arrived in 'disguise', in baggy clothing so that no one suspected anything. Though you thought it was ridiculous. It doesn't matter how baggy the sweat pants or hoodie is, there's no hiding the curve of your ass.

You were a content editor at JYPE, and had become really good friends with Han Jisung. Friendships between idols and staff certainly aren't forbidden, in fact they're encouraged to an extent... as long as no lines are crossed. But it's pretty much an ignored rule. Anyways, you were a small 'behind-the-scenes' employee, not a manager or assistant or makeup artist. Not anyone directly involved with any idols. No one off the street knew who you were. Still, over the last almost year or so, you and him became besties. You frequently shared meals together at work, had sleepovers, you even went camping. You were basically glued to each other. It could easily be taken the wrong way by the media and fans. Hell, it gets taken the wrong way by co-workers, other idols, and even his group members. Although they've mostly accepted that's not the case. It's a given with the way you two act though.

Your relationship is definitely platonic, confirming pretty early on that neither of you felt anything more than friendly love for each other. But you both love teasing the other suggestively. You suppose that's partly why you two got so close so quickly. Your personalities are so similar, it's like you share the same singular brain cell sometimes.

"Editing, per usual." You finally reply with a sigh, "We had to cut A LOT out of nexz's new video. They're so high energy, they slip up a lot, especially with the swearing, but nothing we can't handle."

"Gotta love kids." Chan snorts while sipping a beer.

You smile awkwardly in response and look around the room. Everyone is here, all with their preferred beverages, and chatting away or scrolling.

Ji comes back with a drink for you, he knows you're partial to tequila and always keeps it on deck. Normally, you spend every weekend you can together, which sometimes is not as often as either of you would like. Sometimes you'd both head back to your place, and just have all nighters, binge watching anime and gorging yourselves on junk food. More recently, like tonight, you get invited over to hang with him and the rest of the boys.

It usually results in a few drinks and a movie, or talk about work. Sometimes you just play music and talk and vibe, or try to cook food together when you get the munchies... Which more than likely results in Minho taking over because he just can't help himself. However the nights play out, they're always fun, and you're gradually getting closer to the rest of the members too. Although no one can compare to the bond you have with your Jiji.

"I don't wanna watch a movie tonight, my eyes hurt too much." He starts complaining.

"Poor baby." You tease and run your fingers through his hair, laughing.

"When are you two just going to come out with the fact that you're in love?" Seungmin asks.

You roll your eyes, "When dwaekki's fly."

"I can easily make that happen." Changbin laughs.

"We could play a game?" Felix suggests, already looking flushed from the alcohol.

Jeongin gets excited, "Let's do a drinking game! It's been a while."

"I don't believe I've ever played a drinking game with y'all."

Hyunjin hums, "Mm, you haven't. Mostly because we get crazy, we've never brought up the idea."

This piqued your interest, "More crazy than I've already seen? I don't think that's possible."

Minho chimes in this time, "You forget we're a group of men sometimes, I swear. Mix alcohol and suggestive games, it definitely gets 'crazier' than you've seen, inappropriately crazy."

You level him with a smirk, "I'm down."

"That's my y/n!" Ji says, while pulling you to sit in his lap, "Fearless."

You giggle and lean into him while Minho just narrows his eyes at you and purses his lips. Something tells you he's up to something, but you're ready for any challenge.

"Fine. Then we'll play something easy, truth or drink. If someone refuses to answer, they drink. Whoever finishes their drink first loses." Minho says.

"What does the loser have to do?" You ask.

"Pay for everyone's lunch every day for a month!" Changbin says.

"Deal." You say. 

You're an open book, Ji knows this. There's no question you won't answer.

Everyone is up now, getting new drinks & refills before the game starts. You can't help but notice that Chan didn't get up, he looks a little nervous for some reason. He was always the most worried about you being around so much. In the beginning it definitely came across like he didn't like you. Now you know that's not the case... you think. He tolerates you now to say the least. You couldn't blame him too much, he was just protective of his boys. You actually found it incredibly sweet, or maybe it's just that stupid soft spot you have for him.

He always tried to keep you at arms length from the group. Not wanting anyone to get too close to you. Until Jisung put him in his place, as best he could anyways.

You were in Ji's lap, watching Spirited Away. He was drawing imaginary lines and shapes on your back, while you rested your head on his shoulder, facing the tv. His head was resting on top of yours as well, and a blanket covered you both.

Chan walked in seeing this, and nearly had a stroke. He said we were being inappropriate. And specifically made it a point to tell you to be more professional as a member of the staff. Short version: know your fucking place, you're overstepping. 

You scoffed at him, prepared to confront him about his growing disdain towards you. Let him know he's the one being inappropriate, downright childish. But Ji nudged you onto the couch and got to him first.

It was kind of cute watching him standing there, ears becoming red and getting in Chan's face. Cute in the way that it was like a maltese puppy trying to stand up to a doberman. Then he proceeded to yell at him about how he was way out of line. Saying he was being flat out disrespectful and that he was done with the ridiculous way he has been acting about you. The last thing he said was that he didn't know what got into him, and that he'd never seen this side of Chan before. 

Chan was silent, looking intensely into Jisungs eyes. But he never backed down, so Chan poked his tongue to his cheek, then retreated to his room for the whole night. You had to scoop Ji off the floor right afterwards. He had let his knees buckle, and fell to the floor once Chan was gone. Citing that he wasn't sure he was going to live through the night to see the morning sun. Typical dramatic fashion for your best friend. But you soothed him, fluffing up his ego about 'defending your honor'. His words, not yours.

As that night went on though, the tiniest bit of worry coursed through you. Chan hadn't come back out. Not even when the other members came home, trying to knock on his door to greet him. Or when the food was ready to be served, you had even given knocking a try. Only after Hyunjin begged you to, because 'He already doesn't take care of himself. He needs to eat.' No, you didn't see him again that night until you had already walked out the front door. He slipped out behind you shortly after, grabbing you by the wrist and stopping you. 

You thought he was going to continue the argument for a moment, but no, he was apologizing. Not much more was said afterwards, but his apology was genuine and heartfelt, so you accepted it. You two ended up hugging it out, and thank goodness no one saw that, because it was incredibly cringeworthy. He had no more major issues after that. But he was still unexplainably awkward around you, but it's not like you were any better. You two simply didn't know how to interact with each other for longer than 30 seconds. And that was pushing it. You suspected that might not ever go away. He likes to keep his walls high and strong, and you're stubborn at times.

But of course,  despite that stubbornness. You developed some sort of feelings towards him. Feelings you refused to acknowledge, well tried to refuse. You would push those feelings down deep within your heart, put them in a little box, and tape it shut trying to forget it's there. There was no need to pine over the man, he had stay to do that for him, and who knows who else in his life. Somehow that box always ended up ripped open again.

There was never a reason to act on these feelings. Not to mention, you think you'd be breaking SO MANY rules. Putting your job, his job, hell everyone's job at risk. Or worse, making a fool of yourself when he would downright reject you.

You keep watching him, now he's shaking his leg up and down, seeming agitated. Maybe he just doesn't want everyone getting into a vulnerable state of mind while playing? Maybe he's worried somebody will say or do something wrong? That someone will cross a line, as he loves to say?

Trying to ease his negative feelings, and extend yet another olive branch. You toss a throw pillow at him, hitting him in the chest and pulling him out of his thoughts.

He looks at you, eyebrows wrinkled in confusion, and you just chuckle nervously at him saying, "Don't worry, it's like Vegas. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

"God how fuckin' corny was that?" Ji teases you, poking your side making you giggle more.

To your relief, Chan is laughing with you, and shaking his head, "I just want them to behave."

"Oh relax, we're all grown. We're all friends. So we'll get to know each other more intimately, big whoop." You shrug.

"Mmm..." He replied, before raising his voice so everyone could hear him, "Whatever is spoken about tonight, doesn't leave this room."

"I swear you're the one with anxiety sometimes, not me." Ji mumbles.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah... dad." Hyunjin says as he sits next to you and Ji.

"As if that announcement even had to be made, I swear, and you wonder why we call you old." Seungmin comments.

Once everyone is settled in with their drinks, Minho directs Chan to start the game.

"Jisung, when was the last time you cried?"

He laughed, "You're trying to embarrass me because you know it was this morning, but I am confident and secure in the fact that I am a sensitive man."

He said the last bit with his hand over his heart, and his eyes closed, effectively making everyone chuckle.

"My poor baby, why were you crying?" You question teasingly.

"Please don't bring it up, he'll start blubbering all over again. Stupid, sad, dog rescue videos." Seungmin mumbles.

"Minho!" Ji shouts, pointing at him dramatically, "This question is for you. If you had to kiss someone in this room on the cheek, who would it be?"

"Hyunjin." He said bluntly, making you and everyone else laugh while Hyune just rolled his eyes.

"Would you kiss me back?" He asked him, eyes full of hope and bottom lip jutted out and pouting, trying to act cute. And succeeding, honestly.

Hyunjin acted like he was pondering the question, but ultimately was the first to take a sip from his glass, "I decline to answer."

He looked to you next, a suggestive smirk on his face, making you the next victim, "Y/niiieee..."

"Oi, be respectful." Chan scolds immediately, not liking the look at all.

"All I was going to do was repeat the question!" He said defensively, "Y/n, if you had to choose, who would you kiss on the cheek?"

You tried hard to keep your eyes from trailing over to Chan, a tingly feeling spreading across your skin at the mere thought of innocently kissing his cheek. Instead you chose the easy answer, because it wasn't a lie. You'd also kiss your best friend on the cheek any time.

"My Jiji of course," And you took his face in one hand, squeezing his cheeks between your middle finger and thumb, and plant a loud smooch on each of them, "he probably only asked because he wanted one anyways."

He just chuckles, letting you baby him and Seungmin fake gags.

"Minnieee..." You pause trying to come up with a question, "when you dye your hair next, what color would you want?"

"Green, my entire head green."

"That would look interesting." You laugh.

You all go 'round in circles for a few rounds, completely forgetting about the rules of the game. Having now finished your glasses from casually sipping throughout the game, most of you have switched to occasional shots. You're starting to feel warm and tipsy. Of course the more you all drank, the more the questions started to get more... amorous. Which is exactly how you all assumed this game would go. No wonder Chan was so anxious.

However looking over to him now, he's definitely having a good time. Like every other person, he loosens up while drinking, but tonight he seems even more so.

"Y/n," Chan starts with a sly look making your skin buzz again. Among all of you, he is 100% the most inebriated right now, "when was your first kiss?"

"Yah! He tells us to be respectful, but look how he is after a few drinks!" Changbin yells laughing.

Chan loses it, "You're right Binnie, you don't have to answer or drink." He says in between fits of squeaky laughter. 

You think you could listen to him laugh all day.

You shake your head and snort, "I've answered worse questions playing this game before. I was 13 when I had my first kiss."

Hyunjin nearly spits his drink out, because again, no one is drinking just as punishment anymore, "13?!"

"Well, yeah, it's a pretty normal age in America... I think..." you started to blush, "why, how old were you?" you ask Hyunjin.

He hesitates, but eventually he spoke, "I was 18."

The rest chime in saying they were also 18 or 19. With the exception of Felix who said he was 16.

Without even thinking you start to say, "Aaah, see I was 18 when I-" and you're abruptly stopped with Ji's hand slapping over your mouth.

Your eyes go wide, caught off guard, but understanding as you almost blurted out unnecessary information. Nothing that Ji hadn't known obviously, it's just that everyone else doesn't really know you on that level. 

"Jagi, you only had to answer the one question, adding extra info, that's not how you play the gaaaaame." He says in a sing-song voice, "Hyunjin it's your turn to ask someone."

"No no no no! What was she going to say?" Chan chuckles.

When you looked at him, he winked at you, and you had to stop yourself from going limp in Ji's arms. He knew damn well what you were going to say. Why is he teasing, no torturing you like this?

You peel Ji's hand off your mouth to respond "It's not your turn, you'll have to wait to ask me that."

The group starts laughing and shouting, teasing Chan who is ignoring it all, just staring at you with curious eyes and his tongue in his cheek. Does he know how hot he looks doing that?

"Okay, so then I'll ask you. What were you going to say?" Hyunjin asks calmly, trying to fight the smile off his face.

You pour yet another shot, and knock it back thinking, what the hell, "I was going to say I was 18 when I first hooked up with a man."

Some members looked surprised, the game taking an obvious turn. However Hyunjin, Felix, and Chan started laughing again.

"I knew that's what you were going to say." Felix slurred. 

"Yeah I was definitely teasing you on that, because I knew." Chan followed.

"Mmm, well judging from the shocked faces of everyone else, you two seem to be the only psychics." You try to joke, wanting the attention off of you suddenly.

"No, don't get us wrong, not all of us are as innocent as you think." Seungmin says defensively.

"Oh really now?" You respond, one brow quirking up.

Seungmin just turned red, and sat back in his seat. To which Chan started laughing, yet again. He's a giggly drunk, and you love it.

"Don't tease my puppy, babe." Ji slurred, trying to reach his arm to console Seungmin, but ultimately failing.

"I mean I was 18 too, with the same girl I first kissed." Hyunjin shrugged.

"But what do you mean 'to a man'?" Jeongin asked with a shit eating grin on his face. 

You promptly turned into a tomato, and started choking on air.

"You're not that slow pabo, obviously it means she's been with women too." Ji says, rather loudly and speaking freely, all while patting your back.

You're quiet. It's not like it's a secret, you've never hidden your sexuality. But it never came up in conversation with anyone here, except Jisung.

Wanting to ease the tone, Felix speaks up, "Well I was 18 when I first hooked up with a dude."

"I was 21, but everyone already knows that story." Ji slurred.

The whole conversation triggers another group laughing fit. Except for Chan, who is looking at you with those dark eyes again. And... is he blushing? Or is that the alcohol? He eventually snaps out of whatever daze he was in, and slowly smiles at you reassuringly.

You mentally kick yourself for getting your hopes up, of course he couldn't ever think of you like that. You're imagining things.

"But then, how old were you when you first hooked up with a girl?" Jeongin asked again, genuinely curious.

"A lot younger than 18..." You trailed off laughing, "I'll just say in high school."

"The air is different outside of Korea." Changbin says suddenly, sounding thoughtful.

Hyunjin nearly collapsed laughing, slapping Minho on the knee repeatedly, despite the glare he was shooting him.

"Well I just answered a bunch of questions in a row so that means I get to ask two people a question. And the second person I ask gets the next turn." You say, making up new rules. 

"So... Chan." He looks at you with his eyebrows raised and you just smirk, knowing you're trying to get back at him, "How old were YOU when you lost your virginity?"

He gulps and looks around at the group before answering, "I... was 18."

"Chan-hyung, you never answered us when we would ask you! Why answer her?" Jisung whines.

"I honestly don't know, maybe it's the liquor. None of you ever asked me drunk." He starts giggling.

"Okay so question 2... Binnie!" He gulps and looks at you with wide eyes, "Are you more of a boob guy?" You say grabbing your own, not even really thinking about it, "Or an ass guy?"

Changbin started laughing and answered, "Definitely ass, but I appreciate boobs too, equality."

"I am just learning so much about my fellow members lately." Seungmin whispers.

"Is that a bad thing?" You giggle.

"Not at all, it feels strangely comforting, letting loose like this." He replies and smiles softly at me, "It's been a while."

"It's freeing!" Jeongin yells abruptly, throwing his hands in the air.

"Aye, my question is for you then Min. Have you ever had a wet dream?" Changbin asks.

"... what guy hasn't? Don't all guys get them?" He asks looking around.

Then you chime in again frankly, "Girls can get them too you know."

Why does it feel like you've opened pandora's box on your sex life, in every single aspect?

Ji starts laughing, nodding his head vigorously and you know where this is about to go.

"Really now?" Felix says, mimicking your exact tone from earlier, "What was it about?"

"Mmmm... it's not your turn to ask," Then you turn to Seungmin, "And if you ask me, I will absolutely drink and not answer. No way I'm explaining a sex dream right now."

Seungmin just rolls his eyes and huffs out a laugh.

"But I wanna knooooooow," Jisung whines, "You looked so cute having one last weekend, you never told me what it was about."

Everyone was watching you two closely now, waiting to hear how he knew what you looked like in that situation.

You turned around and smacked his arm, "We weren't going to mention that ever again! Remember?!" You attempt to be angry, but you can't help it and end up smiling.

"Okay, well now I'm curious since you two are bringing this up." Minho says with a glint in his eye.

"Y/n may or may not have had one when I slept over, and I woke up to her moaning and hump--"

This time it was your turn to slap a hand over his mouth, "Jiji, Sungie, my love, my sweet sweet SWEET best friend. I don't want to kill you, but I will." You say in a dulcet tone.

He raised his hands, eyes wide and nodded his head. You couldn't help but laugh, apparently you're a giggly drunk too.

Out of the corner of your eye, you swore you saw Chan adjusting himself in his pants. But then you reminded yourself that it was just wishful thinking and an alcohol induced hallucination. Horny hallucination. God you needed to get over him and under someone else. This unrequited shit wasn't for you.

"I'm so never going to drop this you know, I wanna know what the hell happened." Minho smirked at you, to which you flipped him off jokingly.

It's Seungmin's turn next, and he's just staring at Jeongin with a blank face, "Have you ever had a one night stand?"

He pauses for a moment and then finally answers, "No, I haven't."

He looked at you now, asking his question, "You know what I have to ask now, right?"

"Go ahead." You challenge, fully prepared to choke down another shot and not answer his question, and he smiles.

"What's one of your kinks?"

You were unprepared for that question. And how could you know he would ask that, these men like to fuck around with your head.

"Relax, I just wanted to see your reaction." He says before chuckling.

You glared at him for a moment, halfheartedly. They think they can just retract questions when they get scared that they went too far. Screw that, you're answering.

"I guess the most simple one I have is edging." You shrug.

"The most simple one?!" Hyunjin asked.

"What are you a masochist? Edging is the worst, feels like torture to me." Ji says.

"But the build up is so delicious, and the end result is so worth it. It's so intense." Felix chimes in, "Choking too, that can be intense." 

"Hm, breath play might actually be my favorite." You admit.

"Damn y/n." Ji says, eyeing you with a smile, "You're full of surprises, even to this day." 

You shrug again, "Everyone has different kinks... What's one of yours?" You ask him.

He ponders for a moment, "I like being dommed sometimes."

"Big surprise." Minho says and you all laugh.

"Good one though," You nod, "That's one of mine too."

"I think I'm an exhibitionist, to an extent of course." Hyunjin says next.

"That's also not a surprise." Minho replies.

You can't help but let your eyes wander over to Chan again, while everyone else is sharing different things they're into in bed. The liquor has everyone speaking loosely. But Chan doesn't seem to care about it anymore.

You find him staring right back at you, that same look in his eyes from earlier, and you feel heat spread in your stomach, and wetness starts to pool in your panties. Maybe you weren't imagining things.

But you don't notice that Ji's observing both of you in his drunken haze. Not too faded to ignore you and Chan eye-fucking each other.

Your heart starts racing the longer you hold eye contact, and you start shifting uncomfortably on his lap, before looking away and deciding to get up.

"Alright... I need some bread to soak up this alcohol, and then I need to get home because it's already 2 in the morning." You say with a shaky breath.

"Yeah, I'm wasted right now," Jeongin says and stands, "Bed's a good idea. Goodnight everyone." And he leaves to his room.

Ji grabs your wrist, preventing you from moving, "You're not going anywhere. We're all drunk, you can't drive and no one can bring you back home."

"Fiiiiiiine," You say, "but I still want bread."

"You and your bread fixation whenever you drink." Minho mumbles, heading to the kitchen anyways to grab you some.

When he comes back he hands it to you and you start munching away happily, doing a little dance.

Meanwhile, Felix is trying to tug Chan's arms to make him stand up, but he's fighting him on it and whining. Clearly he exceeded his limit tonight drinking. He probably won't even remember the looks he was giving you, you think.

"I don't wanna go to bed." Chan whines.

Felix finally succeeds in pulling him up, "C'mon mate, you definitely need to sleep this off. You'll be miserable tomorrow. Let's get you some water too, hmm?"

Chan reluctantly holds his arm, and follows him down the hall, stumbling over his own two feet along the way. You can't help but laugh at the sight.

More of the boys say goodnight and head off to their rooms, but Ji and Minho stay with you in the living room, chatting a little longer before bed.

Ji starts going through his bags, determined that you left some pajamas here from when you slept over previously, and he kept them in a bag to give back to you. He pulls out the nightie, that you honestly forgot you brought here. But you see why you didn't ever wear it at the time. It's dark green, spaghetti straps and has lace along the bust line. It also has slits on each side of your thigh, and only covers you to the middle of your thighs. Your go to sleepware was always nighties or large tees, they're comfortable and sometimes you get hot at night. Mix in the fact that you were drinking tonight? You're already feeling overheated. But wearing this?

"Jiiiiiii, don't you have any t-shirts I can wear?" You whine.

He's already under the covers, fighting sleep, "Sorry babe... haven't done laundry... Nothing clean..."

You whine again before taking it and heading across the hall into one of the bathrooms. It was this or sleep in your sweats, and that idea sounded entirely too suffocating to you.

You slip the nightie on and brush your teeth with your designated toothbrush you had there. Jisungs idea, after you had too much tequila one night and he diligently held your hair back as you got sick.

You sigh as you're leaving, and make your way towards Ji's room. Before you reach the door though, Chan walks out of his room. He's in a black tank top, and red boxer briefs... your eyes immediately trail down and go wide. His outline clear as day. But you change your view quickly, hopefully before he notices.

It doesn't help though, now all you're doing is eyeing his arms, the muscles cut throughout them. The veins that trail all the way down to his hands. God, his hands... What wouldn't you let those hands do to you...

He scratches the back of his head, and the movement snaps you out of your gaze. You find him staring back at you for a second before answering, "Sorry, I'll just..."

You start to shake your head, "No, no. No reason to apologize." You chuckle and start shifting on your feet. You feel the skirt of your nightie swaying with you. It opened the slit wider, and Chan immediately looked down at your exposed thigh. He inhaled quietly, sucking in air through his nose.

Any other day, you'd be scrambling to cover yourself. Feeling insecure and too bare. You don't know if it was the liquor in you, but tonight? Being on display? It turned you on.

You clenched your thighs together, almost involuntarily, and Chan didn't miss that.

Time seemed to be moving too slow. He stepped towards you, nearly closing the gap between you. He's only inches away, and looking down on you. His eyes have that dark, smoldery look again. He raised his hand and brushed the curls off your face and behind your ear. When he rests his palm against your cheek, your eyes flutter shut and you lean into his touch. It's so warm, and comforting. As if it was always meant for you.

When you open your eyes, you can clearly see the lust in his is only growing. He's not holding it back anymore, biting his lip as he stares at you. You almost whimper in anticipation.

"This is your opportunity to walk away if you're not okay with me kissing you." He says lowly.

You closed your eyes, and his lips met yours. The first few seconds were sweet and soft. Almost too innocent for the heat of the moment, but then he deepened it. He was pulling you by the waist into him, running his hands down and resting them on your ass. You could easily feel how hard he was for you, even through the thin fabrics. This time you let the whimper out, and he swiped his tongue along your bottom lip before sucking it into his mouth. When you tried to do the same, he didn't give you the chance. Instead he slipped his tongue in. It was like he was lost in desire, and greedy for more. You couldn't help it when your arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer.

He groaned and started backing you into the wall, his lips never leaving yours. He grabbed your thighs in each hand, and hoisted you up, slotting himself between them. Your legs naturally wrapped around him, and he started rocking his length against you. His pace was achingly slow, but still delicious.

You moaned and slipped a hand up to the nape of his neck, grabbing a fistful of hair. He breaks the kiss and throws his head back with his eyes closed. He half hisses, half groans, and you can't help but rock your hips against him harder, hoping to hear more. He grips your thigh tighter, and leans down to press a quick kiss to your neck, before licking and sucking on it. He's meeting each roll of your hips with rough thrusts. And even clothed, you feel how perfectly he's rubbing your clit.

Your head is so clouded with need. Need to be touched. Need to touch him. Need to feel him inside of you. You don't even think twice when he glides his hand up your stomach, and over your breasts. He gives one a light squeeze before moving up to wrap his fingers around your neck, and your brain loses all sense for a moment.

He's just resting his hand there, but you wish he'd do more. You're not sure if this man knows just how pliant you are for him right now.

Then he brings his lips to your ear and whispers, "Can I touch you?"

His warm breath gives you chills, and you nod your head as best as you can. But that doesn't suffice him, he stops his movements against you and his grip around your throat tightens. You think you could probably get off on it if he tightens his fingers just a bit more, but he doesn't, instead he says, "I'm going to need words, babygirl."

Your hips buck into him, and you breathe out a quiet "Yes. Please..."

With that, he yanks your face closer to his by your neck. He's squeezing ever so slightly tighter around your throat. He bites your lip and you groan. But he's quick to silence you with his tongue.

Letting go, he trailed his hand back down your body and to your core. Slowly he started to rub you through the thin lace. You were so sensitive, that when he found your clit and pressed a circle into it. You couldn't help but breathe out his name. He pushed your panties to the side, and when he felt you for the first time you felt him smile against your lips.

"Babygirl... fuck, you're so wet for me." 

And as he whispered that, he slipped a finger in you. He set a steady pace, dragging against your walls with a curl. Each pump hitting your sweet spot, and the heel of his hand creating delightful friction against your swollen bud. His breathing was heavy in your ear, breaking through all your helpless whimpering. When he added a second finger, you couldn't hold back anymore.

"Chan..." You moaned louder this time, while simultaneously letting your head drop against the wall with a thud.

He pulled his lips off of you, eyes wide when he met yours. He started blinking as if he was coming back to reality. When he looked into your eyes again, he looked startled.

"What's wrong?" You pant, feeling hot and dizzy, wishing he would keep moving his hands.

Instead, he quickly slips his fingers out of you, and sets your feet on the floor. Then he backs away.

"I'm sorry, y/n... I don't know what came over me, that was incredibly inappropriate and out of character." Chan mumbled.

Your heart sinks, as you feel the sting of rejection. Tears threatened to well in your eyes, and you immediately felt the oncoming headache from holding them back. You shouldn't feel so emotional and upset. This was all spur of the moment. But you do, you feel devastated.

Regardless, you clear your throat, "I understand." You force an unsettling chuckle out, when a sob threatens to escape instead.

He puts on a blank face that feels so cold, and responds with "Don't forget to drink some water, stay hydrated... I'll be heading to bed now, you should too."

All you really want to say is don't leave, because you want to finish what was started. Because you've wanted this for so long. Because the box you kept away in the depths of your heart had ripped open once again. And all the languished emotions were here, front and center, aching to bear it all to him. To let him see. Confess. But that would be selfish, he's clearly uncomfortable with it all. He probably regrets it. An alcohol induced affair. In his eyes, a complete mistake. 

So instead you say, "Okay."

Because that's all you can muster before the tears start to fall. You turn away,  going back to facing Ji's door. 

"Goodnight y/n... Sleep well." He says, and puts a tentative hand on your shoulder.

You shrug it off, and escape to Ji's bedroom. To your surprise he's sitting up in bed, and ushering you come to him with his arms open and bottom lip pouted out.

You run to him, a bit dramatically and fall a part in his arms. But you can't help it, you sealed these emotions away for too long. You were too hurt at the moment to even try pushing them back down.

Jisung is your life saver, he's comforting you, rubbing his fingers on your scalp and rocking you back and forth to try and calm you. He gives you time before you have to explain why exactly you're having a melt down.

"Chan's an idiot." He finally says.

And you lean back to look at him, confused on how quickly he's put two and two together.

"Well you weren't exactly quiet. Between your exaggerated moans and his animalistic grunting right outside my door, of course I heard it." He rolled his eyes jokingly and that earned a laugh from you.

You smacked him lightly, "I was lost in the moment... don't judge me."

"Jagi..." He says, and wipes the tears from your cheeks with his thumbs, "You've liked him for so much longer than a moment."

Your heart starts pounding faster again. How could he know that. It's the one thing you've kept from him, from everyone, hell you even denied it to yourself for as long as possible. Was it that obvious? Who else knows? You go to speak, fear written across your face.

"No. You were not obvious, in fact you're an amazing actor. I'm sure none of the other members noticed, and definitely no one else at work knew." He answers before you can even get words out.

You nod slowly, "So then, how'd you know?"

He smiled proudly, "I'm a people watcher, I see all."

You smack him again, a little harder this time.

"Alright, alright, but I really did see all the looks you'd give him when no one else was watching... I know what longing looks like, and..." he trailed off.

You knew that wasn't all, "And?"

"Aaaaand... maybe that night you had that wet dream. You were moaning his name while humping the pillow..."

"You never told me that!" You shoved your head into your hands, distraught.

"Well I didn't want to embarrass you! I honestly didn't think you looked at any of us that way until then. Like I said, a good actor. I figured you'd tell me when you were ready to."

You sighed, "I'm sorry. It's just a stupid crush, it'll pass."

"You're grown, you don't have to apologize to anyone for liking someone. But y/n," He cupped your cheek forcing you to look at him again, "this isn't just a simple crush, is it?"

With that question, you felt the tears spilling all over again. He pulled you to lay down with him, holding you tight against him and letting you cry it all out. Somewhere between his low humming, and your quiet weeping, you fell asleep.

When you blink the sleep away from your eyes the next morning, you're still entangled with Ji. He's literally wrapped around you like a koala.

You snort out a laugh and go to check the time on your phone. 7:30 am, entirely too early. You decide to try and fall back asleep, but last night's events rush back to you. Dread fills your chest, and your fight or flight kicks in. You're trying to gently escape Ji's hold, and not hyperventilate. The latter is more difficult but, since that man can sleep through anything, you were able to succeed.

You get changed back into your clothes, and leave a note for him saying that you're leaving and you'll text him when you get home. You can't bear to face Chan, let alone anyone else who might've heard you two last night. So you decide to skip out on the usual coffee and breakfast routine. You all have that tradition after a drunken night, but you know Ji will cover for you with everyone anyways.

You're rushing down the hall, wanting to grab your things and head for the door. Panic is starting to bubble over, and you're haphazardly covering yourself up to be unnoticeable. As you're slipping the mask over your face, a voice stops you.

"Morning... don't you want to stay for breakfast?"

You can't bring yourself to look at Chan, those words only setting the box of emotions in your heart on fire. You know he only means it in the way that it is an unbroken tradition. No matter how sick one of you gets, group breakfast is a must for recuperation. No one has skipped it in the months you've been doing it. We all take care of each other. But the idea makes your mouth bitter, because you wish it was just you two. Alone. Making breakfast the morning after earth shattering sex. And the fact he doesn't mean it in that way in the slightest makes tears prick back into your eyes.

Yes, you know you're being petty. You should stick it through for your friends. Take a page from Chan and act like nothing ever happened. You just can't find it inside you to care, you need to go home and lick your wounds before facing anyone here again. Call it childish, but you didn't care.

You're struggling to find words and just blurt out, "No thanks." And rush out the door, heading to the safety of your car.

You left Chan standing there. Unbeknownst to you, hurting just as much.

Special thank you to @jeonginsleftcheek who encouraged me through finishing this! I had finished it, and then accidentally deleted the entire ending. But in turn, that was a good thing I think... because now there'll be a part 2! If you'd like to be added to a taglist, let me know and I'll start one! Feedback is always cherished, but be gentle pleeeeeeeease ♡

[soundspeachytome]

baby fever - shohei ohtani au

summary: (i don't think this needs a summary, the title says it all lol)

word count: 10,584K

tags: fluff, mentions of sex, impregnation

other notes: midnight word vomit things~ i honestly didn't think i would be able to write something so soon after the one i posted on NYE but i'm blaming that video of shohei playing with some kids on my timeline. my thoughts have secured me a seat in hell.

enjoy and cry in delusion with me.

=====================================

Shohei couldn’t help himself but beam all the way home. He had spent his entire day surrounded by a group of kids no older than twelve years old, the youngest around five, to help facilitate the annual children sports camp at the elementary school he worked at. Being the only teacher who had played baseball during his primary and secondary years in school, he was elected by default to coach a few hours’ session of baseball basics to which he did not object. Aside from that, he also helped facilitate another few hours in assisting the lead teachers during the games like scavenger hunt, capture the flag, and water balloon dodgeball. The last one being his favorite, he was just supposed to be watching and making sure none of the kids get hurt, or if ever they do, he’d play medic when the need arises. Thankfully, his first aid skills were put to the backseat and he was joined in on the fun when one of the twelve-year old campers aimed a water gun at him. He had no choice but to retaliate. With his wide hands and arm support, he grabbed a bunch of water balloons and aimed at anyone within proximity, creating an entirely new chaos between the kids and the other teachers, too.

He had ended the day soaked and sore from all the laughing and running around trying to avoid the kids aiming at him. Thankfully, you had made sure to pack him extra clothes to change into. “Just in case you get a little too fun and get soaked in sweat,” you had said, ignoring Shohei’s initial comments on not needing extra clothes since he was not technically sleeping over for the night. But proven to be always right, he made a mental note to get you something special as a way to thank you for being, well, the best.  

After he had changed into his comfy cotton pants and white shirt, he bid goodbye to everyone at camp, especially the kids he had made friends with. They hugged him and some even gave him DIY goodbye presents (one gave him a bracelet made out of plucked flowers and laced it around his wrist), a tall kid with glasses who must be around seven years old gave him his precious Snickers bar, almost melted, and the youngest girl of the bunch clung onto his leg and tried to stop him from leaving. These short but meaningful interactions touched Shohei that he almost felt bad for leaving. 

“Will you teach us again next summer camp, Teacher?” one kid had asked.

“Hmm. Maybe, we’ll see,” Shohei beamed, eyeing the other teachers in response. If not for the lead teachers and school principal, he would not have been able to cross the schoolgate and reach his car. He waved one last goodbye to the kids who stood behind the gates and then drove away. 

He couldn’t wait to go home to you and tell you about his day. 

You were in the kitchen when you heard Shohei’s Corolla park in the garage. You continued tending to the Tsuyu broth and soba noodles that you were saving up for a warm day like this. 

While Shohei was out for camp duties the entire day, you were able to finish the flower embroidery design you had been challenged with for over a week now. Being new to the craft, you had a slightly difficult time understanding the patterns in the first place, but once you got the hang of it, you were on a roll and without realizing it, you were already done. You regretted buying only one design thinking it would take you longer to complete it, and also considering that you were the type to abandon something when you feel overwhelmed or had just simply lost the fixation, just like the few hundred other abandoned projects you started this year. This time, however, you were so accomplished that you couldn’t wait for Shohei to come home and brag. 

Upon his arrival, Shohei sees you busy in the kitchen, humming to Adele. He put his bag on the countertop and went straight to you, your back facing him. He embraced you from behind, leaning his chin on your shoulder and slightly shifted his weight against your body. 

“Hey.” 

“Hi.” You angled your face upwards to meet him and he planted a kiss straight to your lips. When you went back to what you were doing, he left kisses on the small spots on your neck and shoulder. 

“Hmm, I love soba. I was craving for this.” He murmured against your skin. He still had his arms wrapped around, waiting for you to finish and give him your full attention.

“Really? Didn’t I tell you that I’m a mind-reader?” you joked and turned the stove off and faced Shohei. 

“Yes and you are the best.” He did not waste another second and kissed you tastefully on the mouth. As soon as he got your attention, he made sure your tongue was preoccupied with his. 

You stayed like that for a few seconds. A slow summer day deserves an equally slow and hot makeout session like this. Shohei put both his hands behind your back and you had no choice but to push your body closer to him while you coiled your hands behind the nape of his neck, tugging a few strands of his thick hair.

“What’s gotten you so worked up today, love?” you asked when you separated. 

He pulled back, catching his breath and looked seriously at you. 

“Let’s start doing it, love.”

“Do what?”

“Kids. Babies. I want to put a baby on you right now.” He massaged your lower back and showered your neck with more kisses.

“So sudden?” You looked at Shohei with bewilderment. You weren’t angry or anything, just a little surprised that he had suddenly brought it up. You had always known to use oral and physical contraception ever since you started dating and like an unspoken promise, you made sure that your relationship would not bear anything both of you didn’t feel like committing to yet. But this was definitely something new. 

“I was just thinking… At camp, the kids loved playing with me… some even clung to me–like this–” he hugged you tightly in demonstration. “--and I almost choked up when I was driving away.”

“And…?”

“I played with kids the whole day, I realized that I really, really want to have kids.” He pouted.

In a way, Shohei had always been great with kids. You saw how he used to fawn over your neighbors’ kids and their tiny steps, how he’d wave to babies in strollers whenever you’d pass by them, smiling extra wide. 

“Like, I really, really, really do. We’ve been married for three years now. Don’t you think it’s time for us to get pregnant?”

You were silent the whole time, looking straight into Shohei’s face, and trying to see any hint of him joshing around but he was nothing but serious with his dead set eyes and determination.

“What are you thinking, love?” He asked, getting fidgety after seeing you were quiet for a while. 

“Are we even ready for kids? There are a lot of newer parents that get divorced after babies are born…” you trailed off. Shohei noticed your worry and decided to change the topic.

“I’m sorry, I won’t force it if you’re not comfortable.” he kissed your nose and pulled you into a tight hug. “The noodles look amazing! So much about my day, they can wait… What did you do all day without me?”

Dinner ensued and the pregnancy topic was never brought up again, much to your relief. Shohei was quite understanding and never the pushy type. He always made sure that when you both decide on anything, you were both in it, just like when he moved in with you after a year of dating, when you decided to get married a few months after, and then buying a house.

You felt no pressure whatsoever about creating a family with Shohei because he never pressured you or his family. You don’t know if you wanted kids at all. When you were single, you thought there was not a single good man left on earth but meeting Shohei had changed your mind. Maybe, with the right kind of man, it’d be possible to love and still be loved properly while having kids. So yes, maybe. Maybe one day, you’d want Shohei’s children but were waiting for the right time. You hoped maybe someday, bearing kids will not just be a reluctant maybe, but a definite, sure and unwavering yes. 

Not until Shohei’s sister came to town to visit a few days later and brought their two year old daughter in tow. Shohei was ecstatic. He had fallen in love with his niece the moment he met her. He’d carry her as much as he could when they visited, buying her presents for every occasion, sometimes even when there’s really nothing to celebrate at all.

This time, when Shohei had picked up his niece, Nora, from her trolley and into his arms, kissing her lightly on the cheek, cooing and swinging her back and forth along with their boisterous laughter ringing around the house, you felt something shifted. 

You felt the anxiety on your shoulders lift and leave your body, leaving you with an immense sensation of love and happiness. You sat at the dinner table watching Shohei play peekaboo with Nora while she sits on his lap, and couldn’t help but imagine Shohei carrying a baby–your offspring–while feeding her, or humming it to sleep. It sounds like a beautiful dream, doesn’t it? 

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

After they had left and the house was silent again, you cornered Shohei in the kitchen, who was loading the dishes in the dishwasher. He was humming a Cocomelon nursery rhyme which you assumed was the same song he had played on his ipad with Nora. 

“Shohei.” You tugged his arm and looked at him straight in the eyes.

“Yes, love?” 

“Let’s do it.” 

“Do what now?” He said mindlessly, pulling his sleeves down and shrugged off the kitchen apron.

“Fuck a baby into me, I said.” You raised your voice, unsure where to look.

It took him a few seconds to understand but when it finally dawned on him, he wasted no time and carried you into his arms bridal style. 

When he pushed you onto the bed, kissing you hungrily, both of you still half-undressed, he suddenly pulled back and asked, “Wait, is this your new kink now? Seeing me with kids?”

“What, no.” Your hands busied on the buckle of Shohei’s belt and when that ordeal was done, had pulled his boxers down to touch him. Like a knee jerk reaction, his hips jerked forward to your hand. 

Definitely.

“Hmm, this is going to be a long night,” he whispered, biting at the garter of your underwear and pulling it down with his teeth. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

Absolutely.

“I’ve never been so sure.” 

You pushed yourself up on your elbows and met Shohei’s lips, while he slowly entered you, both of you adjusting to the size and feeling. He started thrusting in and out of you hungrily, as if on a mission, determined to fill you to the brim. And you, on the brink of pleasure and chasing your high, you couldn’t help but moan Shohei’s name and said, yes, yes, yes, over and over. Like an assurance statement, like a promise.

This is my yes, unquestionably, a hundred times over.

[marzipanandminutiae]

Someone in the CPeak tag wrote a really interesting post about issues with antis that I mostly agree with

They used the movie as an example of a “don’t venture here if you can’t take fix that deals with canon topics” situation, but the way they characterized it was a bit…I have Reservations

“An underage boy is raped by his sister for years”

It’s not like…inherently WRONG, technically? The consensuality of Sharpecest is sort of open to interpretation, though more people do consider it consensual, and he was indeed underage when it started- 11, per the bios. You also wouldn’t necessarily know how long it had been going on if you hadn’t read the bios, so this person not knowing that it only lasted for a year when either of them were underage (and then they were separated for six years) is understandable

But like. The exclusion of the fact that Lucille was also underage seems like it’s not really giving the full picture here?

(that’s math you can even do without the bios because their age difference is mentioned in the movie- unless it started when they were 16 and 18, or beyond that point for another two years, there’s no way it could’ve happened when only one of them was underage by modern law. Age of consent law was different in the 19th century, but we won’t get into that)

(They were, as I said, 11 and 13 per the bios)

Obviously peer CSA is a thing, so that doesn’t make it inherently consensual. And it’s still sibling incest regardless. But like. This really feels like that trend of “making Lucille much older than she actually is canonically in order to make their relationship even more problematic

Which always raises questions for me, namely: why are these people ignoring something that is clearly spelled out in the dialogue of the movie? Why do they perceive a 37-year-old actress as being much older than a 34-year-old actor? It’s a bigger age gap than the characters, but there is absolutely no way you can tell me that someone three years older looks significantly different than someone two years older, especially given the fact that these are both famous actors with access to Hollywood-level skincare and anti-aging procedures.

It’s just. I don’t know. One of those things that rubs me the wrong way

[ghostflowerhotpotch]

Let's Talk Peter B

@iwasbored777 (Since you ask to be tagged)

Okay! I was on the fence about writing this post, but after doing this response and some encouragement, I decided that fuck it, let’s do this.

While I had seen multiple things about Gwen being a bad friend, a bad person, and other things I don’t want to say because I will start ranting- Peter B for the most part, has come out scotch free.

Don’t get me wrong, I had seen some people address his issues, but it has been a few posts in a sea of him with Mayday and people shipping with Miguel. Which hey, is okay with me, but when you see you a character you love be given the short end of the stick despite the circumstances yet another character that has much less to lose has their mistakes largely been ignored and basically be woobify.

Is not just Gwen, I had also seen people take beef with Jess as a mentor yet somehow leave Peter out of that conversation. Don’t get me wrong Jess is far from perfect (which is something I discussed before,) but again, Peter is far from perfect too.

Does this has to do with Peter being a beloved main character in the first movie? Yes. Does it also has to do with misogynoir and misogyny? Oh I don’t doubt it.

I don’t hate Peter B, far from it, I think he is a great adaptation of our spidey, and while I am not the biggest spiderman fan out there, I did grew up with Peter Parker in movies and cartoons so I do have love for this characters as well as his incarnation in Sony movies.

I will do my best to remain as unbiased and neutral as possible, but not gonna lie this entire thing is annoying me enough that I will say when I am aware of my own biases, as I always try to do.

But if you think liking a character stops me from calling them on their bullshit you are wrong.

I know this post is more about how Peter is with Miles and his role as a mentor, but I decided to address some other things I had seen people talk about because there is a reason I choose "Let's talk Peter B Parker" as a title.

Believe it or not, I am fine with this. Seriously.

Peter wasn’t here when Miles arrived, and considering they did a small tour and got an empanada on the way, I think wouldn’t be odd to say he wasn’t around when Miles arrived. My theory is that he was taking care of his own stuff, and once he knew that Miles was around, went to get Mayday to present her to Miles.

I think that’s pretty normal all things consider, he loves Miles and wouldn’t had fixed things with MJ and had his daughter without her, of course he would want the two of to met.

The enthusiasm is all things consider pretty sweet, and while I don’t approve of some things he does (like giving her a web shooter while being just a few months old?) Is one of those things that are part of superhero writing that has the children technically doing things that they shouldn’t be doing for their age, so I just let it slide because if I get hung up every time I see something like this, it would not end.

I’m the only one who is actually mad about this comment?

Yes, is a joke, I get that, and Peter is trying to take as much as steam off Miles by trying to frame him on the light that he messes up, but is just who he is.

It doesn’t make me any less annoyed.

For starters, I feel like I am rereading Percy Jackson again (No I will not explain that reference.) Because despite everyone more or less knowing what’s going on (Hobie said before he didn’t know what Miguel was hiding so how much he knows is unsure,) no one has attempted to explain the situation to Miles.

This is a trope I had seen enough (including WAY too many times in the books I mentioned,) and I really resent when characters act as if the protagonist or someone else is stupid just because they are unaware of something. ESPECIALLY if the characters saying so are aware they don’t know.

They are also letting him believe is a good thing he is in HQ, but that is actually not Peter’s fault. I am mad with Gwen on this one, but also Jessica, and Hobie well, he should have known enough to be able to tell him seeing Miguel is not good news. At least Hobie tries to warn him as subtly as possible.

Sure, Peter just got here, but the fact that he is already accusing Miles of just messing up with the universe carelessly is not something that doesn’t sit well with me. Either he knows that Miles doesn’t know and is making an insulting comment, or thinks Miles is aware of the situation and just acted recklessly. The second one is the best scenario, but I feel Peter is presuming way too much for someone that just came around and should have known better than believe Miles knew all of these details while Miguel basically has a giant banner of “Not Earth-1610 Anomalies allowed.”

Also, sidetrack but what exactly does Miles do that isn’t just your typical spidey behaviour? Yes he doesn’t always have full-formed plans before acting but you can say that about EVERYONE in the room at that moment.

“He wasn’t thinking, is not like he works!” My ass.

Want my two cents about this moment? Peter has zero business telling this to Miles.

When Miles asks Gwen about her dad, she is crestfallen, she doesn’t like to believe this more than he does; but unlike anyone else in this room, Gwen cannot return to her home dimension. The best case scenario is if she isn’t there, her dad may not die; but that’s the best case scenario, and that involves again, not stepping again in her home dimension ever again. Her best bet is never to see her home, or anyone she knows including her dad, because not only she may end up in prison, her presence may lead to the death of her dad.

And who knows, it may happen regardless; he may be dead already because he is a police officer and she couldn’t be there to give a hand or save him (As she said she did in Into the Spider-verse, by the way.)

Yet at least, she is coming to this with the idea that her life is going to have to SUCK for a few years, things happening or not happening depending on where she is but none of this is pretty or fair.

Peter? As far as we know, he is done.

Considering the age range of the Spidey-characters, chances are Peter already lived the canon events he needed to live, at best they don’t know what’s next, which means he can operate as he feels is the best course of action.

Miles asked him if he would have let his uncle die, but Peter lost his uncle over twenty years ago, he had enough time to grieve, to accept the outcome, and find happiness after it. And to top it all off, HE DIDN’T HAVE THAT MORAL DILEMMA PLACED IN FRONT OF HIM BEFORE IT HAPPENED.

I find Peter’s words hollow because unlike Miles, he was never asked to not intervene in a canon event, he hasn’t needed to deal with someone from his universe dying while he let it play out.

I am not saying he didn't suffer, he did, and a lot; yet he was unaware that this would happen, is way different having someone tell you “Oh those tragedies you lived? It’s the destiny that keeps everything together, it’s rough but it is what it is,” than someone telling you “Oh you are going to live a bunch of different personal tragedies, and you need to suffer with the burden of this knowledge because is this or everyone in every universe dies.”

(How much do you guys bet someone will use this as an example of the trolley problem in a philosophy class.)

Since we are going in kind of a chronological order, let’s go to something a tad lighter both because it deserves mention, and so I can cool down before I start ranting in Spanish (which is not going to be saying pretty things about B precisely.)

Yes, Peter recognizes this is bad parenting, which is good because it certainly isn’t good; I also have trouble believing he didn’t know AT LEAST ONE spider that could stay behind and watch Mayday while he went to the chase.

However, I do think the chase was never going to be dangerous, nor Peter thought it would be. He has been Spider-man for a quarter of a century, he has been swinging around for so long is second nature to him, I bet he has taken Mayday on “strolls” which is him swinging around.

There is also another screenshot that really encapsulates that Peter didn’t realize how dire the situation is, but that’s for later.

There is also the possibility that he asked Miguel to do this as a way to distract him, but considering this is the only time he does this and is going around him being obsessed with Mayday (Which I think is a bit too much, but I blame more the writers than Peter for that.) I am inclined to believe this is not the case.

(Sigh) I promise to try to be neutral, so I need to bring this up.

What they were talking about earlier can be lumped to a bit later on, and I decided to bring this instead of talking about it when Miles and Peter saw each other (which is I didn’t bring because what I could say would be the same as this.) Because this is something really beautiful that I didn’t want to leave out.

I think that’s what angers me the most about this, because in a vacuum? I love this.

I am a sucker for found family tropes, I love the idea that Miles would grow to see people like Peter B, Noir, and so forth as a family. I love how Peter says how much Miles means to him and meeting him changed his life for the better.

Peter B loves Miles, he said that in the last movie; I can’t just erase that.

However, is exactly because of this scene, that what happens next makes me so sad.

Oh, Miles.

I didn’t mention it in the previous image nor did I took detailed screenshots for the sake of my sanity and to not turn this way too long. (Though I may do it in another moment- Ok I need to focus.)

Miles was obviously affected by what Peter said to him, it obviously means a lot because Miles also loves Peter; of all the spiders in the gang he was the one who he spent the most time initially; he wouldn’t be the Spider-man he is today without him.

And it breaks my heart how Miles says this.

Look at the angle, at his posture; Miles can’t even turn to say this to Peter’s face because it hurts so much. He looks so small in that shot, trying to emphasize how he is just a teen, how he really loves them so much, and it breaks his heart to know that they could visit him, and they didn’t.

Let’s remember what he was doing at the beginning of the movie; he was trying to study physics. He is great at it, and he was since the first movie, however, this is clearly not his passion; he loves his art and even if he didn’t know what he wanted to do yet in the first movie, you can see how much he loves what he does.

And he was willing to leave all of that aside, just to see Gwen, Peter and the others again; because as far as he knew there wasn’t any other way. Remember, he was aiming at Princeton; he would need to bleed and work hard to get there, and even after, being in this field it was not going to be a walk in the park; getting to make the dimensional travel work (At least without seeing Miguel’s technology like Hobie seemed to do;) was also going to be hard.

Miles wanted to do all of that for them, and them? They didn’t.

Now; I don’t blame Gwen in this scenario.

I had said this much in this post before, and a bunch of others too. Gwen was stuck with the Spider Society; and yet she risked losing everything, from homelessness to prison, to spend an afternoon with Miles the second she had an excuse.

What is Peter’s excuse?

He couldn't, he couldn't.

That's what he had to say for himself.

Here is the thing: I am not sure I buy it.

Gwen makes sense to me, Miguel didn't want Gwen to be involved since the beginning and obviously doesn't trust her when is about Miles; Gwen wasn't exactly wrong to fear she would get kicked out if she acted out of line.

Peter? I have my doubts.

We don't know Miguel's and Peter B's relationship (I know some shippers have some ideas, not my cup of tea but I have no problem if people like it.) However, we know that Peter B was there when Miguel's dimension collapsed, later in the movie we saw what Miguel did to Gwen for what happened (believe me, we will get there.)

Even if that was the case; Peter’s situation is much less dire than Gwen’s. Even if Peter could be kicked out of the organization for disobeying Miguel; he would still have his wife, his house, his daughter. He would had been in the same spot he was at the end of the first movie, if not better because now he would had a chance to know both him and Miles would be okay.

I am getting ahead of the post here, but I honestly don’t know how much of Canon BS Peter believes; he clearly doesn’t think Miles is bad for being an anomaly, nor his daughter (technically because Peter wasn’t supposed to meet Miles, he wouldn’t have his daughter. Is certainly a NO in the comics.) Miguel is convinced that Miles’ presence is enough to create more holes in the multiverse; Gwen obviously doesn’t share that view. Peter? I don’t know if he thinks there is actually something to lose for visiting him.

One way or another, he doesn’t really give me a reason here; who knows, maybe when Beyond comes there would be enough information for me to admit Peter did the right thing. For now? No.

Here, we have Miles telling Peter he wanted to meet them so badly, and even if Peter doesn't have a clue of how literal Miles is; you can hear it in his voice, in his posture, how he still cannot look at Peter because to that point it hurts.

And what's Peter's response to this?

(Deep breath,) Boy at moments like this I really wish I didn't think so hard about media.

It hurts me, and it angers me, because it is a pretty sweet moment, but when you think hard about it, it just becomes messy.

I could make an entire discussion about how Peter literally ignored Miles’ feelings about not being there, about how he and others (Gwen not really, the others eehhh hard to say;) didn’t try too reach him, which obviously makes him feel like they don’t care about him as he does. And Peter decide to ignored it.

But! I will try to give him the benefit that this is a tense situation, there is hundreds of spiders looking for them, and there only have so much time. I am going to believe, Peter couldn’t address that at the moment because they had other issues.

Yet even if we omit that point, do you guys realize this is literally no different that his entire spiel about Uncle Ben, right?

Because that’s what he is trying to say, “Spider-man has to suffer, but hey sometimes good things can happen anyways.” This entire conversation is about trying to make Miles follow him, do whatever Miguel is trying to do to avoid having Miles go to his dimension (or at least stop him from saving his dad,) and basically let her dad die.

Look, there is nuance to this situation; Peter isn’t saying this to manipulate Miles, he believes this. He truly believes bad things had to happen to keep the universe from falling apart; I am convinced Miguel’s second universe didn’t fall for his Canon theory, yet Peter B was there, I can’t blame the guy for drinking the kool-aid a bit more than the others.

This doesn’t change the fact that this scene has Peter ignoring Miles’ pain, and try to tell him he needs to suffer some more because “is just how the universe works!”

(Sidenote but anyone can’t help to see this and think of a random Christian telling someone after they lived a personal tragedy “Is just G-d’s plan”? Because I saw that a lot.)

Now, I guess the next question someone may be wondering is, do I believe Peter was being honest with Miles here?

...I don’t know, I really, don’t know.

I had seen this scene multiple times, and I lost count how many times when I was in the theatre, seeing this scene, and thinking “he knew” just for the next moment thinking “he didn’t know.”

If you want my two cents, the part that keeps tripping me over is how he looks at his watch, then Miles, then the watch, it makes me wonder if he is screaming that he doesn’t have his location to Miguel, or to Miles.

I don’t want to believe Peter purposefully drive Miles away so he could get trapped, when he says to Miles “I didn’t know, I promise;” I want to believe him.

The thing is, the outcome he hoped wasn’t that much different, now was it?

He wanted it to be Miles decision, yet again, he was trying to get Miles to not just abandon his morals (as well as the ones every Spider-person should have,) but also try to tell him he needs to suffer for the good of the world.

(I am having SO many flashbacks to things I read about cults, I need to continue working on that post about the Spider Society ffs.)

This is a small detail, but I gotta say; Peter do you really have nothing on your defense?

Look, feel free to believe I am playing favourites, but unlike many people who had a problem with Gwen, I don't blame her for hiding this.

No, I don't think what she did was right. Let’s not get things twisted. I definitely think Gwen shouldn’t had hide this stuff, yet she in general NEVER, had a good idea of how much to say and how much to keep with anyone she talks to; from her dad to Jess to Miles. Once again this is an aspect I can’t get mad at her because she is sixteen and traumatized with a minimal support network and irresponsible guardians.

Now Peter, what’s YOUR excuse?

Not just for not telling something to Miles earlier, I could believe he would have done it if the situation has calmed down. No, Miles asked them about it, and even a bit later says “That’s why you guys never came to see me;” (Which I think is kind of BS but let’s not get ahead of myself on this one.) The thing is that when he has the teen he mentored being manhandled by his ‘friend,’ and said thing asks them to answer him; Peter just ducks.

Like he cannot even see Miles and admit he shouldn’t have done that.

Gwen’s excuse isn’t much better but at least she is answering and you can see in her face how much she knows she fucked up.

I am going to be honest, this little detail wouldn’t bother me as much if what has happened before and what’s yet to happened didn’t exist, yet it does.

There is a difference in “Well you did a little mistake but I can let slide” vs “There are so many things wrong here that I will call you out even for the tiny ones.” Granted Peter isn’t that bad, but is a nuance I think a lot of people don’t think of.

Could Peter haven't said anything because the scene is trying to focus on Miles and Gwen for this part? Yes; it doesn't stop me from getting annoying.

Okay, Miles says this, do I believe it? Ehh not sure.

Gwen definitely not the case, if she truly thought him being an anomaly was a problem, she wouldn't have gone to see him directly.

Peter? Again, I have no idea how much of the kool-aid he has been drinking, the fact that he speaks highly of him and his daughter as good things that has happened makes me inclined to believe he doesn't.

We don't have an answer either way, right?

Not that Peter does much to help him feel better here. Yes yes trying to keep focus on certain characters I know.

(Looks at the camera like is the office.) And now THIS is the time where I wish I wasn’t aware of how writing works.

Okay, I know what the purpose of Peter is, aside of being here as a mentor, he is here kind of as a comic relief. He doesn’t have the same narrative weight as he had in the last movie, and he is here to be cute with his baby for the most part. That’s his purpose at this moment.

It-doesn’t-change-anything.

He has this recurring joke on the third act about if he is or not a good mentor, and it kind of has to do with the last movie, specially this joke, since at the end he was also talking how he taught him something he definitely didn’t do. Last movie I found it cute, here? Not so much.

I am trying not to be hard here and why I would not address the “son of a mother” moment (which I honestly really hate,) because this is not even Peter B’s fault at this point; the writers were trying very hard to have a way to make the situation a tad lighter while also having an important character be in character. I can’t say is truly out of character, but I’m not appreciating it.

Especially having him insist on being a good mentor after letting down his protege MULTIPLE TIMES.

Don't you guys love when you see a grown-ass adult go apeshit on a teen, and his friends aren't doing anything to stop him?

Sorry, yeah I understand that for narrative purposes, they have to be stuck to the ground, but after someone pointed this out a few weeks ago, I can't stop thinking of this shot so I needed to bring it out.

(BIG sidenote but, Margo is the biggest MVP here; girl met Miles once and probably has little to no context, yet she is helping him out. Queen behavior.)

Now let's talk about some bullshit.

I know this is technically not about Peter, considering this is Miguel talking to Gwen, yet I find LAUGHABLE this response.

I will give this to the spider//dad shippers, I would also be inclined to believe Miguel has a thing for Peter B if between the guy who had the "fugitive" in close quarters for a few minutes yet did not attempt to trap him, vs the teen girl who tries to help out her mentor to catch the dude (even if she didn't try too hard,) you decide the teen girl is the problem.

Is funny because really all this scene needs is Miguel saying "If it wasn't for you, he wouldn't have come here, he wouldn't had know and the Spot wouldn't have escaped," at least that much couldn't have been said for Peter B.

I think the writers were trying to make Miguel just look less and less reasonable the more we saw on screen; which is why he would go with route.

It doesn't change the fact that Mighel accusing Gwen of not capturing him is laughable.

YOU 👏 ARE 👏 A 👏 TERRIBLE 👏 MENTOR.

(This moment could be addressed individually, but they are basically the same thing and this post is DEFINITELY too long; seriously I had written fics shorter than this wtf.)

Here is my problem with this: He just decides that oh well, what can he do.

SERIOUSLY?!

Forget the "Oh but he doesn't do this the story-" for a moment; are you seriously telling me that not only this guy knows Miles is in a PRETTY fucked up situation, but also that Gwen is in her home universe where she will be homeless (because there is no way in hell Peter B doesn't know what happened to her,) and you decide to just, go brooding in your dimension?

You know is absolutely amazing how I had heard people grill Miguel and Jess for their behavior with Gwen (which I agree with for the most part,) yet I haven't seen anyone say "Isn't it a bit fucked up that Peter B should have known what would happen to Gwen if she went home and didn't decide to help her?"

Miguel is on Earth 1610 and hellbent on finding Miles, you cannot tell me if Peter B left his daughter with his wife, and then went to fetch Gwen, Miguel would have noticed. At the very least Peter could had try to check on her.

Peter B has known Gwen for longer than Jess and Miguel, even if he couldn't be a proper guardian for her because he was busy with his life, he could have been more present. He definitely could have attempted to defend her better when Miguel was screaming at her, or to look after her when she was kicked to her universe.

Jess is determined to act as if Gwen is more of an employee than a teen, but Peter B should be known better.

But is not his idea to help Miles, is Gwen's; because right now he is too focused on his life and his duty as spiderman to think of the younger generations that are hurting. Just like Miguel and Jess.

Yet not the narrative, nor the fandom, truly recognizes that.

Let’s wrap this up, you guys have no idea the amount of hours I had spend on this and I would be surprised if someone got this far.

As a small detail, Peter is seen with Mayday, and this time I DO have a problem with it.

I honestly hope Peter isn’t with Mayday in Beyond, I will pretend Peter doesn’t have Mayday during the events on Beyond in my fics for as long as I can; because this is the moment where I feel the joke is being pushed too far.

They don’t know what would happen next, they don’t know in what type of situation they are in, they know whatever universe ended was one with no spiderman so it has to be dangerous; yet he brings the baby because that’s his recurring theme for this movie.

And truly, that’s really the problem with his character here: He was given a small role to do with very limited things to do.

I am not saying this is bad writing; I may not like Peter’s decisions in this movie, and I am really hoping beyond gives a big ass cup of “Adults need to start protecting the younger generations instead of insist they need to toughen up” to all of them. Because more than his role, I am annoyed that neither the movie nor the fandom is addressing the failings of Peter B.

He is not a bad character, I don’t even think he is a bad character in this movie. I like him, and even if writing all of this down made realize I am more bitter about it than I would had liked; I just don’t think is fair.

I want Peter to be better, as a mentor, as a father; and I am really hoping the next movie shows him grow that way too. I do believe the writers can pull it off.

Now, the fandom addressing that?...That I have MUCH less confidence. But not gonna lie this post was made mostly to get this out of my chest rather than expect a reaction out of it.

If anyone made this far, first of, wow; I know some people were interesting in reading this, but even I think I went for a while I put a lot of things that are small details but you guys now me, it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t do that.

Be thankful I don’t talk about micro-expressions in frames or this would truly would had ended up as a novelette.

Second, thank you for reading! Give a like and your opinion if you want; because I am pretty sure this post is doing to have fewer notes.

[dootznbootz]

I know we love our morally gray characters. But the internet kinda ruined Circe for me.

Let me explain.

I remember I actually used to really like Circe's character when I first read the Odyssey last year. I loved her as a "helpful antagonist type" character.

But what ruined her character for me was everybody calling her a "girlboss" or just simping for her in a way? But they completely disregard the fact she technically raped a man. (But no one cares about that because male SA victims never get taken seriously, especially in media smh)

Now, I can never experience Circe as the same character because all I see is a terrible person being glorified because of her gender. And then people say double standards don't exist!

Which I hate cause she's a genuinely cool character. (From a writing standpoint)

Circe isn't a bad character let me be clear (in the Odyssey anyway. Cough cough Madeline Mil-) But I just hate how people romanticize her completely ignoring her terrible actions. And to think it's all just because she's a "hot badass female".

And this isn't just about Odysseus either, there's literally a myth where she tries to seduce a man, but when he remains faithful she turns him into a woodpecker-

People can like her CHARACTER, however, they should still acknowledge her bad actions too and hold her accountable. If we can all agree it's shitty what Zeus did to a bunch of women, we can also agree what Circe did to Odysseus was shitty.

Women sexually assaulting men is just as inhumane as vice versa and we have to stop turning a blind eye about it, even if it's fictional.

And I feel like people WOULD actually hold her accountable if she was a male character. Which makes me even more angry.

Maybe this is just a me thing, but I just can't fawn over a character and call them hot when they've done something as bad as some of the things Circe has done.

So, I guess what you could get out of this-

Please stop romanticizing circe.

Hold her accountable as you would any other character.

Don't be so forgiving just because you find her attractive.

Anyways, thank you for coming to my Ted talk and sorry for ranting

honestly yeah, all of this.

I sadly had to block Circe's tag on tumblr because it pisses me off how much people glorify her and/shittalk Odysseus with it. (I trust my friends when they have Circe content lol)

I love Circe as well. She's such an interesting and fun character but how people twist her just fucks with me so much. Also to make HER a victim just for girlbossness? What's so girlboss about having such a horrific thing happen to you?

I said it in a different post but you can thirst for Circe without making fun of her victim. People will call a victim of rape a manwhore or a slut as if what happened to him was a grand ol time. It's genuinely disturbing. He is shown to have PTSD from it (in my opinion) in the Odyssey. This book is ancient and yet it captures that better than anything I've read.

Odysseus isn't necessarily a wholesome, "goody-to-shoes" man. He does a lot of awful things. That doesn't mean that the suffering he went through is suddenly negated.

Even bringing up stuff with female characters, the fact that people will water them down so then they're not "problematic" pisses me off. Women can be horrible, even good women. Penelope is my fave but she's pretty awful in many ways.

Evidence will be right in front of people and they won't care. Crying, begging to go, fear, avoidance, numbness, etc. There'll be excuses anyway. "He's a guy, he's fine with it." "Men are sex crazed, especially back then." "He didn't try hard enough." "He should be grateful."

Honestly? What saddens me the most is that I don't think people will ever really understand what happened or even WANT to because they have their own idea in their head and refuse to see it for what it is. I mean Hades game did it too. It's really sad.

Circe and him weren't fwb. They weren't lovers. What about "heart full of grim forebodings" screams love? He wanted to save his friends and go home.

[torukmaktoskxawng]

tsamsiyu ta'em - new names, familiar faces

Masterlist - part three

Summary: Kayla is held captive by her long-lost, recently-found brother and his people. She feels like a prisoner on the outside, looking in as he introduces her to his family

Pairing: Ronal/Tonowari/Original Female Character

Tag: #tsamsiyu ta'em fic

posted on ao3

Word Count: 5k+

Taglist: @mooniequeen @shit-i-say-shit-i-think @heart-an0n

Warnings: canon-compliant, canon-typical violence, mature language, adult content, slow burn, polyamory, found family, cool aunt agenda, alien/human (technically avatar), jake sully sister agenda, time skips, I'm trying to hurry up and get to the good parts so bear with me, fluff, angst, adopted spider, tags to be added

Outnumbered by Na'vi men and women, Makayla wisely chose not to fight her own capture. With pleading eyes, Jake had begged her to just let the natives tie her hands and pull her into the forest by a rope, leading her away from Hell's Gate and weaponless. Jake sticks to the front of the group after instructing their hoard of banshees to fly away, while Kayla was being led around from the back. She barely spoke a word after initially hugging her brother out of relief and surprise, and instead chose to carefully observe her captives and kept her face neutral. Her biggest observation was about a certain Na'vi woman who walked closely to Jake compared to all the other warriors, the same woman who would occasionally look back to check on their avatar captive. Kayla wasn't blind but chose to keep the observation to herself for the time being. 

They walked forever until Jake instructs the war party to rest for a bit now that they were safely distanced from the former military base. Kayla is pushed to the floor and forced to sit, her hands still tied in front of her. Jake and the mysterious Na'vi woman move to sit in front of her in their own little tight circle while the other people around them either rested or scouted ahead. This is where Jake told his sister everything, from the moment he left Earth to recent events following the arrival of the Sky People. He left out Neytiri and their children for the time being, hoping that Kayla would simply believe he did everything he could out of love for everyone and everything on Pandora, internally aware of how stupid she would make him look if she knew he had done it all for his love of one individual.

At first, Makayla appeared cautious and doubtful, some small part of her still making her suspicious as to whether or not the Na'vi in front of her was really her brother, in an avatar body that didn't bore any of his old tattoos. She wished she could spit and curse at him, demanding that he tell her the truth instead of this stupid, made-up fairytale. However, some of his tales back up what she had been told of the Na'vi people, the same people who fought and drove the RDA back from their homeworld and forced them to return to Earth. Jake relayed parts of those events that were recorded in RDA data files that Kayla couldn't afford to ignore. She was forced to believe him, especially in her predicament.

When Jake finished his story with a question of his own, wondering how she got here, Makayla's words felt heavy on her tongue as she answered, "Seven years ago, I was given this job opportunity to come to Pandora. General Ardmore said that in exchange for helping her establish evidence that human civilians could live in and out of the avatar link safely, she would help me find your remains and have them sent back to Earth," she caught the slight wideness of his yellow eyes before elaborating, "I was told you were killed in action so I wanted to find your body and send it home to be buried beside Tommy."

"Why does Ardmore want civilians to have avatars?"

"Earth is dying, Jake," as predicted, the Sully brother didn't look all too surprised and Kayla continued, "There's not much left of it, at least that's what it was like before I left, hence why I didn't need a whole lot of convincing to leave. The RDA is not mining for resources or anything like the last time they were here. No, they're now colonizing. Building roads and dams and skyscrapers. Ardmore's objective is to make Pandora our new home."

Neytiri hissed quietly from the back of her throat, "This was our home first."

Kayla's ears flattened for a moment, eyes carefully inspecting Neytiri's every movement before Jake purposely drove her attention away, "So they want you to... what? Be their guinea pig?"

"Essentially," she shrugged, "My job is to test the boundaries and see how far I could go in this body while mine still lies in a lab back in Bridgehead. They want to know how long I could stay in the link without breaking it. If the tests are successful, then they can get the green light to make more avatars, and this time for the civilians once they all move here."

"Tell me about General Ardmore."

"Logical. Analytical. Devoid of any kind of human emotion," Kayla let out an amused scoff, "I wouldn't be surprised if we woke up tomorrow to learn that she's actually a synthetic android. They chose her to run this task force because they knew she would never suddenly feel pity or empathy for any native life here on Pandora. She'll get the job done without even breaking a sweat or a tear. Nothing is personal to her. That makes her dangerous."

Jake slowly nods, adjusting his crouching stance before leveling Kayla with an interrogating look, "You sound like you know her pretty well."

She glared back in defiance, "She recruited me herself. She said I was exactly what she was looking for in a soldier. Now looking back, she probably recruited me to draw you out."

His ears visibly lowered in shame, along with his eyes when he realized he couldn't stand to look at his sister anymore, voice quiet as he spoke, "I'm sorry."

"Uh-huh," cold, unconvinced, and honestly uninterested, she moved onto an interrogation of her own, eyes flicking over to the Na'vi woman crouching beside him, "Who's she?"

Jake raises his arm and gently touches his mate's, "This is Neytiri. My wife. Neytiri, this is Makayla, my sister."

Neytiri, stern and neutral, dutifully nods to the avatar woman, "Hello, Makayla te Suli."

"Did you say your wife?" Makayla's mask slips as genuine shock graces her face, her traitorous tail wagging in curiosity behind her as she closely inspects Neytiri with her eyes. Regaining her composure, Kayla tries dropping her voice into a proper accent while nodding to her sister-in-law, "Kaltxì."

Both Neytiri and Jake curiously watch Kayla and she quickly backtracks and curls further in on herself, prepared to defend her pride, "Did I say it right?"

Jake smiles a little, "It's a little rusty, but we understood. How do you know Na'vi?"

"I was only in cryosleep for three years instead of the full trip here. I wanted to research as much as I could, but reading the words... it's harder to grasp the pronunciation compared to actually hearing it. I don't know most of the language, just the basic phrases."

"Did you... did you by any chance read Dr. Grace Augustine's book?"

She frowned, thrown off by this sudden small talk, "I did."

"Grace has a daughter who we adopted. Her name is Kiri. If you still have your copy--"

"Kiri?" Some angry emotion resembling betrayal flares in Kayla's gut as her tail suddenly goes still in alertness, "You have a daughter?"

Jake realized his mistake a moment too late, quickly looking away again, "We have two daughters. And two sons."

"Jesus Christ," Kayla rocks back on her heels for a moment, the resentment taking over for a brief moment as she raised her voice, "Anything else you'd like to dump on me?"

~~~~~~~~~

Instead of telling her, Jake just showed her. Ordering his war party to move out, they call and summon their ikran and Kayla is forced onto the back of one. This was the only time she tried resisting, and the Na'vi warrior in charge of her gnashed their teeth at her restraint before manhandling her onto the back of the mighty creature. Still tied up and unable to flee, Kayla became as stiff as a board as they flew up into the sky, joining the rest of the group. Jake flashed a sympathetic smile from his mount before flying further ahead to lead the party home.

What felt like forever to Makayla was only a couple of hours of flying through the clouds until a large shadow formed ahead of them. Squinting her eyes, Kayla tries to make out what the shadow was until it grew closer and her stomach dropped. It looked like a mountain, but she couldn't spot any means as to why it was floating instead of rooted in the ground far below. As they pass the large rock facing, they fly past another, then another, and then another, until the sky finally cleared of clouds and Kayla's breath was completely taken away.

Hundreds of large rock facings, scattered around the skies, floating around and hovering high over her head. Large vines protruding from the rocks act as anchors and bridges between mountains, passing through small waterfalls and all sorts of life that were thriving on the surface of each rock face. Life forms and vegetation sprouted from each mountain, and hundreds of ecosystems much similar to the ones on the ground, all of which acted as their own individual continents on their own respective mountains. Kayla couldn't bring herself to look away, craning her neck up to watch the mountains as the banshees peacefully fly through them without much effort. She even took a moment of awe to lean forward and feel the mist of a nearby waterfall as they flew by.

The winds change and the ikran shift their wings ever so slightly, gliding sharply among the sky's current and forcing Kayla to hang on for dear life. They float higher than before and Kayla realizes that among the mountains were vast cave systems, all connected and large enough to carry cargo ships. The banshees slap their wings to slow their descent, landing at the mouths of the caves. Makayla is dragged off and her bonds are cut away. Rubbing her aching wrists, she looks around, cautious when she noticed more Na'vi than ever before, glaring as they walk past her to greet the returning war party. Various shapes and sizes of tents and huts line up around the cave walls, an entire clan of Na'vi shuffling past one another, breathing together as they went about their day.

Kayla nearly jumps out of her new blue skin when a hand claps down on her shoulder. Spinning her head around and pulling away, she doesn't even relax when she realized the hand belonged to Jake as he finally caught up with her. He draws his hand away when she flinched and proceeded to nod to the entire campground, "Welcome to High Camp. I'll introduce you to the Omatikaya."

A gathering of Na'vi begins to swarm around the returning troupe, especially around Makayla. Even though she had more layers on, she felt the most vulnerable, even compared to an infant she caught sight of, snuggled in a tight frontal wrap at its mother's breast. How a baby felt more secure in that than Kayla in her red-brown crop top and cargo shorts could easily stem from how the Na'vi people glared at her but fond over the child. Their looks of scrutiny alone made Kayla feel as though she was the child.

"Mama! Daddy!"

Kayla's head spun in the direction of a child calling out to her parents, spotting a young Na'vi girl, easily the same height as her hip, come running toward the war party. Her heartbeat nearly stops, however, when that child jumps into the arms of her parents, who are none other than Jake and Neytiri, and they happily embrace her.

"Tuk." Neytiri hummed with relief, closing her eyes in contentment as she held her daughter's head to her body.

Jake placed a gentle hand on the top of the little girl's head of short, braided hair while kissing the side of her temple, "Did ya give your brother a hard time?"

"Nope! We made a necklace for Grandmother today."

"Really? You'll have to show me later." He smiles warmly at Tuk, keeping her close to him and Neytiri even when her mother set her down. Jake looks through the crowd, eyes dancing around in search of someone before calling out in his marine voice, "Alright, Sullys! Fall in!"

Makayla watched as three other Na'vi children emerge from the crowd, though they stood at the height Kayla imagined Na'vi teenagers would be, significantly taller than Tuk but still shorter than their parents. One of the teenagers, the only other girl, lifts her arms and Tuk wordlessly clings to her side. The teenage girl also bore short hair, but it was unbraided and wilder than her sister's. There was a significant change in appearance between the two girls. One of them, Tuk, had the identifiable features of the Na'vi. Big eyes, no eyebrows, and only four digits on each hand. The older one, who Kayla assumed must be Kiri, bore smaller eyes, eyebrow hair, and five digits on each hand. Kiri and Tuk watch Makayla curiously, tilting their heads and even smiling sweetly at her.

The boys, however, are a different story. One was taller and clearly older, with the typical Na'vi features. The other was shorter and bore the features inherited by his father, fingers and all, much like Kiri. Kayla had clocked the younger boy right away. He had been the closest to resembling Jake's avatar form... but there was something about the way he held himself that gave Kayla a sense of déjà vu. Maybe it was the furrow of his eyebrows or the small frown on his lips, but a small part of Kayla recognized the human side of Jake in the boy. Neither he nor his older brother stared at her with kind eyes, like their sisters. They stared at her with caution and perhaps only a dash of awe.

Jake doesn't appear bothered by it as he places his hand back on Kayla's shoulder, nearly making her flinch again, "This is my sister, Makayla. Kayla, this is my oldest son, Neteyam. Our oldest daughter, Kiri. Our youngest son, Lo'ak. And this ball of fire is Tuktirey."

Tuk squealed with laughter when her father crouched down and scooped her up in the air. He placed the young child on his hip while turning to Kayla, smiling between his sister and his daughter while speaking gently to Tuk, "I want you to treat her like family, okay? Because that's what she is. Family."

All four Sully children relax at their father's words, though Neteyam is the last to do so since he had waited for his mother's nod of approval before also softening his gaze at Makayla. But Kayla was not as easy to buy into this new arrangement, finding herself taking a step back as her chest squeezed painfully. Her eyes dart to all the faces around her, not just her newly acquired nieces and nephews. This was all too much, too overwhelming. This had been too much information being dumped on her lap all in one day. It felt like some sort of fever dream that she was desperate to wake from.

Jake observed the way his sister began to close up on herself, eyes darting in several directions as if looking for an exit route. He hands Tuk over to Neytiri and slowly approached Kayla, "Why don't we bring you somewhere that's more familiar, yeah?"

His hand grips the back of her neck, squeezing once and Kayla gets the message. She doesn't have a choice even though Jake isn't ordering her. She moves forward with Jake right behind her, using the hand on her neck to guide her through the crowd of Na'vi, who part like the Red Sea for her and her brother. She keeps her eyes forward, timid, her jaw tight and her teeth grinding together uncomfortably, but Kayla refuses to show any physical signs of discomfort apart from gripping her hands tightly in front of her. Jake guides her away from the crowd and his family, all the while dread takes its place in Kayla's strong bones. Despite having a newfound family, they were all strangers to her, and she could feel those strangers' eyes all searing into the back of her skull as she walked away.

After a bit of walking through the camp and seeing the strange sights of Omatikaya life, Kayla discovers something familiar that Jake no doubt wanted her to see. Humans. Humans, avatars, exo-packs, and the topping on the cake was the inflatable but clearly man-made biolab trailer sitting at the edge of the Omatikaya's various campsites throughout the linked cave system. Standing outside, hands on his hips, was a human man waiting for the Sully siblings. He stood tall for a human, but clearly couldn't hold a candle to a fully grown Na'vi. Beaming behind his breathing mask, he waved them over.

Jake let go of his sister and stepped around Kayla, holding out an arm in the man's direction, "Kayla, this is Dr. Norm Spellman. Norm, this is my sister, Makayla."

Kayla didn't hesitate to shake the human's hand when he offered it up to her, already calming down at the familiar hand gesture of human customs. Norm smiled up at her, "Pleasure to meet you. Do you prefer Makayla or Kayla?"

"Kayla, if you don't mind."

"You got it. It's nice to finally meet you. I, uh... I knew your other brother. Tommy. We went through avatar training together."

Her eyes briefly widen before shrinking back to normal size. Well, at least normal for an avatar, "Oh."

"Yeah. I'm sorry about his passing."

"Thanks."

Norm nods to Jake before standing off to the side, gesturing for Kayla to follow him, "Let me show you around and introduce you to the others."

Kayla firmly nods, only briefly glancing back at Jake before leaving him behind, dutifully following Norm. He first brings her to a large, Na'vi-made tent that loomed off to the side of the inflatable trailer. Kayla later learns that the tent is called a marui as Norm points it out to her,

"So this is the Longhouse. This is where the avatars are stored and monitored when not in use. That's where you'll be sleeping."

Kayla nods, "Where do you keep the link gurneys?"

"Right this way," He walks toward the trailer, taking the steps up to the front door before turning to her, nearly standing at her height now with the help of the steps, "It'll be a tight squeeze for you in this form so take your time."

Norm turns back around and opens the door, closing it behind him to quickly take off his mask in the depressurized room before opening the opposite door into the lab, closing the door behind him, and waiting for Makayla. He was right after all. It was definitely a tight fit for her in a grown Na'vi woman's body. Kayla was crouching the whole way through the depressurized room, having difficulty closing the door behind her before entering the lab. Norm had waited patiently for her, smiling in sympathy when watching the way her entire body was hunched over in order to fit. He holds out his arm to her, and it's only then did she notice a separate rebreather in his hand, "Here's your breathing mask."

She mutters a brief 'thanks' while fitting the mask around her mouth, breathing in suitable oxygen meant for the native lifeforms on Pandora before Norm turns around to lead her further into the building, "Welcome to our biolab. Link Bay is over there and over here are our amino tanks."

They make their way over to the link gurneys where another man was stationed at. He was shorter than Norm in build and height, wearing a lab coat and glasses. Looking up, the man smiled and walked forward, "I'm going to take a guess and say that you must be Makayla Sully. Nice to meet you. My name is Dr. Max Patel."

"Pleasure," Kayla repeated automatically, shaking his hand in her overly large one before the three of them continued the tour through the lab together. Kayla had to be careful with her tail and long limbs when shuffling past desks and botanical gardens in small glass test tubes. Long rows of tables held various different stages of research, from files of paper all the way up to large samples taking up the whole end with large leaves and UV light lamps hanging over it.

She got to see the link gurneys and other useful tools she'll likely need as her avatar progresses out here without her human form present, but Kayla was barely paying attention to the tour. Instead, her eyes occasionally wandered to an amino tank in the corner of the lab, out of the way of the scientists' workstations, but it was a tank being closely monitored by various machines. Inside the tank, to her slight terror and curiosity, Kayla realized was another avatar woman, nude and floating soundlessly in the fluids of the imitating womb.

Norm caught her curious gaze wandering over to the side and he wordlessly walks over to the tank, turning back to Kayla while placing a gentle hand against the glass, "And this is Dr. Grace Augustine."

"Her avatar?"

He nods, sober and slightly grim as a shadow passes through his eyes, "It's all that's left of her, apart from her video logs. She died a long time ago in her human body. We're closely monitoring this body to try and get a better understanding of our avatars to see how we work and what limits we can stretch out, such as being able to stay linked to our avatars for days at a time."

"That's what the RDA is trying to test out with me." Both scientists simultaneously turn their heads to her, eyes wide. So Kayla explains to them what she had already told Jake, her mission, and her purpose. The three of them spent a while talking back and forth, asking questions and answering whatever they could. Kayla wasn't a scientist herself, but she tried her best to answer questions about how the RDA intends on testing her avatar and her neural link to its limits. From the look in their eyes, she could tell that Max and Norm were starting to form ideas of their own on how they intended to do the same for their own avatars and riders. 

In between their discussion, the two men and woman missed the door outside opening and closing with a soft hiss. Patterns of feet against cold metal floors paddle over to them and Kayla finally catches the sound with a small twitch of her ears.

"What's going on, guys? Who's the newbie?"

Kayla's head turns, looking around before looking down to find a teenage human boy. But for a moment, Kayla couldn't process this because, out of all of the other humans she had seen today, this boy had every aspect of a Na'vi other than the fact he wasn't tall or blue. He was the only human Kayla has seen not wearing normal clothes and was instead sporting leather armbands, beads in his long, blonde dreads, a knife at his hip, and a loincloth similar to Omatikayan fashion. Despite not being Na'vi, he had painted blue stripes all along his body and face, but his eyes were clearly human as he peered up at Kayla with wide, curious brown eyes.

Norm places a hand on the boy before staring up at Kayla, "This is Spider."

The boy, Spider, tilts his chin up as a small greeting, "Hey."

"Hey. Is this your son?" Kayla politely asked Norm. She wouldn't be surprised. Both the scientist and the teenager were roughly the same height.

"Nah," Norm fondly scoffed, lifting the hand on Spider's shoulder to ruffle the teen's dreads, "But we all look after the rugrat."

"Hey, cut it out!" Spider swats at Norm before pulling away to get some distance, fixing his hair in the process. Kayla let out a small snort through her nose, amused at the display.

Norm grins in response to the woman slowly warming up to their new faces, "You'll be seeing plenty of him since he tends to be your nieces' and nephews' shadow."

Spider missed the way Kayla's small smirk fell as he had to replay Norm's words in his head. Glancing between Kayla and Norm, Spider's dreads danced over his shoulders before finally staring up at the female avatar, "Wait, you're Kiri and Lo'ak's aunt?"

This time, Kayla's smile was thin and not as enthusiastic as she does a half wave, "Hi, I'm Kayla. Jake's sister."

"Holy shit," the statement is cut off by Max elbowing Spider's side, then the teen backtracks a little, "Uh, I mean, nice to meet you."

~~~~~~~~~

The communal dinner took place as the sky darkened and the fires ignited. Jake opted out of joining the large crowds of his people in exchange for bringing an extra leaf plate of food over to Kayla. Norm told him where to find her and sure enough, there she was, kicking back in a hammock within the Avatar Longhouse, alone, staring off into space while swinging her leg out to gently rock herself. Her ears perk up at the sound of Jake approaching her without her eyes ever looking away from where she had begun to disassociate. She snaps out of her imagination when the leaf plate is placed in her hands, and she stubbornly chooses to stare down at her food instead of looking at Jake, who situated himself to sit in the hammock beside her.

"What is this?" She asked while poking her food quizzically. 

"Teylu. It's protein. And that?" He leans over to point at another part of her plate, "That's Spartan fruit. Try the teylu first. I promise you'll love it. Remember that time we had shrimp as kids?"

"Barely," she muttered, trying to recollect as she picked up the grub with her fingers, "Dad called it 'gold nuggets' or something like that since shrimp was hard to come by. I think that was also the last time we had it."

"This is better. Trust me."

His grin only widens as she took a tiny bite, pauses, then goes back for seconds. He didn't miss the way her eyes widen and her ears perk up before eating the entire grub and then grabbing another from her plate. Jake breathes out a small laugh, "See?"

"It's... sweet."

"And savory. It's one of my favorites. Try the fruit next. It's refreshing," he barely ate any dinner himself, too amused when watching his sister try out the new flavors. He mostly sat in silence as she ate, and waited to talk only after she was close to finishing, "Hungry?"

"I've been eating rations while I'm out here, and they don't exactly have five-star restaurants on the building to-do list back at Bridgehead."

He hisses through his teeth in sympathy, remembering those days with a pained expression, "Yeah... I don't care what they advertise. Those protein bars were shit. So did you enjoy the tour?"

Kayla takes a moment to look around, remembering where she was before stating, "It's a refugee camp." 

It wasn't an insult or a compliment. It was a blunt observation. Jake nods solemnly, "I know. For now, this is all we can do."

She shrugged, "Overall, it's a good strategic point, I'll give you that. These mountains fuck around RDA's instruments."

"Yeah, that's the point. And it helps that the rogue ikran do most of the work for us if the Sky People try to come here."

"Ikran?"

His lips split into a smile again, "You'll be properly introduced to those tomorrow."

She finally looks directly at his face, frowning in confusion as she reiterates what he said out loud, "Tomorrow." 

She repeats the word on her tongue, eyeing her brother carefully. Jake only nods back, not daring to look away, "Yeah."

"I have to go back, Jake."

"I know."

Taken back by his confidence, she scowled in disbelief, "Aren't you worried I'm gonna tell Ardmore where you are?"

He tilts his head, "Should I be?"

She wasn't sure if a simple 'yes' or 'no' would suffice. It was such a loaded question, given the circumstances. Instead, she pulls her rogue leg into the hammock and balances her empty leaf plate on her knees, taking the time to stare at that instead of Jake, "Twenty years is a long time. Long enough for someone to change."

A gust of air escapes his lungs, slightly taken aback, "Jesus-- has it really been that long?"

She snaps her eyes to him, narrowing her yellow irises into a fierce glare, "I was just rounding up. It's been longer than that. Nice of you to notice."

Jake visibly winced, looking away when he couldn't bear to face the heat of Kayla's glare. He knew he deserved that, but it still stung. The tent is met with silence, apart from the songs of insects and the singing and chatter going on at the communal meal echoing in the distance. Sighing mostly to himself, Jake reveals something he had been holding in his hand underneath his own leaf plate, leaning back over to place the item in her hands, "... Here." 

Kayla feels the cool, familiar feeling of dog tags being placed in the palm of her hand. Without asking, she knew what they were and who they belonged to, but she shifted her eyes to stare down at the identification letters and numbers anyway.  

It felt as though a weight had been lifted from Jake's shoulders as he let go of his dog tags, carefully watching the way Kayla held the chain in her hand, "In case you would rather go home and just bury that beside Tommy. Otherwise, come back tomorrow. I promise I'll make it up to you."

And with that, he stands up, takes the two leaf plates, and exits the marui, leaving Kayla alone to her thoughts. She juggles the dog tags for a bit, pondering as the night grows later and her eyelids begin to droop. Looking around the empty tent again, she takes her time to stare at each of the empty hammocks meant for the avatars. For the moment, she's alone, just as she has always been whether at Bridgehead or exploring the world of Pandora. If she stays up any longer, she'll be greeted by the other avatars, returning for dinner and getting ready for bed. A part of her wondered if reporting this to Ardmore would even be worth it, knowing that all this would go away with one swift attack and Kayla would be left alone again. All those people her brother introduced to her today would be gone, and part of Kayla's conscience knows that the guilt would just eat her up from the inside out, despite not caring too much for these new faces. With that in mind, Kayla pocketed the dog tags and leaned back in her hammock, trying to relax her mind. Taking a deep breath, she closes her eyes and drifts off. 

What felt like mere moments was actually a half-hour later, Kayla's eyes opened and the first thing she sees is the inside roof of her link bay instead of the ceiling of the avatar tent. It was dark aside from the soft glow of the memory gel softly hugging her significantly smaller body or the blinking lights of the neural induction probes acting as stars above her. Kayla wiggled around uncomfortably, noting that she no longer had a tail and her attire was more appropriate for an officer than an avatar. Finally, the lid of her link bay lifts, and Kayla sighs in relief, pushing away the censor cage from her torso and lifting herself up into a sitting position with a soft groan. Bringing her hands up, she rubs her face in exhaustion, trying to shake away the sleep as the scan head ring powers down, cutting off the link while a scientist comes around to check on her vitals. Blinking and looking down, Kayla feels a small wave of relief when her five fingers come back looking the appropriate color, pale and speckled with the occasional mole. She's not surprised that Ardmore is also there when she looked up, but Kayla still feels dread at the sight of her, regardless. The general is standing in attendance at the end of Kayla's link bay, as still as a statue, with her hands behind her back. 

Like her eyes, her words are cold, "Anything to report?"

"No, ma'am. Nothing." Kayla shakes her head, using her hair as an excuse to look away while running her fingers through her locks to tame it. She didn't know why the lie fell so easily from her lips, but when she finally looked up to stare back at Ardmore, she doesn't feel an ounce of regret and kept her facial expressions close to empty.

Ardmore only nods, once, "Is the avatar safe?"

"Yes, ma'am. Hiding in a tree."

"Those savages are known to climb like monkeys in those trees. You better hope your avatar is still there when you get back."

"Yes, ma'am. I'll relocate for the next log-off."

A/N: Who's ready to get a montage of Kayla learning the proper lifestyle of the Omatikaya next chapter so we can get to the main plot of the story quicker? I know I am.

Lemme know if you have a request or if you wish to be added to the taglist!

[cbk1000]

Fandom Creator's Self-Rec Game!

Choose five favourites from your own creations (and tell me why, if you like!), then pass on to at least five other people. I'd love to hear what you're proudest of.

Tagged by @the-pen-pot and actually I think @anonymintea also tagged me a while back? I vaguely remember seeing that in my activity and kind of recoiling at the idea of trying to rec my own stuff. lmfao But I have time to sit down and do it now and I am being so brave. I am just going to rec Merlin fics for this post, since that's what I've been working on and thinking about for the last four years or so, and those fics are the ones that are fresh in my mind. (Honourable mention goes to my Originals series, though, because I spent so much time on that sumabitch.)

All right, five favourites...know that this is excruciating for me and feels very cringe, because I am not normal. lmao

And Down the River's Dim Expanse (Merthur, 13k)

In which Arthur is a water spirit who tries to drown Merlin. Merlin is not impressed.

(This one feels like it kind of just disappeared into the morass of words I've vomited up on the topic of BBC Merlin. I don't think it's got nearly as much attention as any of my other fics, but I'm fond of it because I love fairytales and folklore and specifically anything to do with any kind of creature that lives in the water and especially if said creature tries to drown people. I'd love to do something like this again and have several ideas for fairytales to adopt (i.e. twist completely out of shape).

The Book of Merthur (Merthur, 600k+)

'It was awkward business to ignore a man sitting the length of one knee from you, especially when he had such voluminous ears, and though Arthur made a valiant attempt at it, he had soon to abandon this in favour of grousing at Merlin for a myriad of grievous transgressions, the most pressing of which was his manner of sitting far too close, as if they were mates. This shortcoming was to become a theme when they laid down after passing round a hard cheese and some bread, Merlin in Arthur’s cloak, and Arthur in nothing at all, because his was the greater constitution; and whilst Arthur was working himself into the choicest bit of ground, with the least stones, Merlin suddenly rolled over, mummified within the cloak Arthur’s thoughtfulness had provided, and put his nose into Arthur’s neck.'

The 'yes homo' we all deserved, righting the heterosexual wrongs of canon.

(My thus far 646,363-word essay on the issues I have with canon. I'm eight chapters from the end and already feeling that post-huge-project depression even though I have several ideas for what I want to do next. I really love writing historical fiction and have incorporated that into fics before, but this fic has shown me that I really really love writing fantasy heavily inspired by history: it's the same amount of research, with the added bonus that I can do whatever the hell I want. Also, as mentioned in my first rec, I really love fairytales and folklore, and this gives me the chance to incorporate them in a way that straight up historical fiction doesn't allow. Basically, this fic has allowed me to shove my boner for Arthurian legend and medieval history down people's throats at the same time. Ain't free gay fanfiction where I can do what I like great?)

Fools by Heavenly Compulsion (Merthur, ?k)

In which Arthur is gay and besotted, Merlin is bisexual and oblivious, and they have to get their shit together through WhatsApp.

(I have no idea how many words this technically is, because it's comprised entirely of screenshots of fake social media posts. I've read a few social media fics and enjoyed them and got a whole bug up my ass wanting to try it. I thought it would be an interesting challenge because it would take away so many things that a writer can usually rely on to tell a story, and for me specifically it would completely cut me off from any kind of descriptive writing. So basically I cut off all my limbs except like one arm and decided to see how I got on with that. And it HAS been really interesting to try and shape a narrative through texts and Instagram and twitter posts and still try and convey emotions and distinct personalities with such limitations on what I can actually show. It's also a lot of fun putting the posts together, although you can definitely fall down a deep rabbit hole of trying to pick just the right photo.)

Whereat the Two Sword on the Field of Death a Deathless Love (Merthur, 131k)

In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. But not quite in the way you think. 'The Once and Future King'/Merlin mashup; now with 50% more gay.

(This was the first Merlin fic I ever wrote, and an homage to one of my favourite books. It was also me trying to get the show rewrite monkey off my back and distinctly failing at that, since I went on to write one that is over 600,000 words and still not complete. It's also proof that I am 100% capable of rewriting the show in under 150k, I just chose to inflict over 600,000 words on anyone insane enough to sit down and read a 600k gay porn version of BBC Merlin.)

And Time and the World Are Ever in Flight (Merthur, 39k)

In which Arthur returns to the 21st century, learns about Google, and finally realises his dream of running away to a farm with Merlin.

(Listen, the finale damaged me, I'm still damaged, and I tried to undo it with nearly 40k of tea and baby sheep. A.K.A. the one where Arthur returns and they run a sheep farm in Ireland together and finally figure out they're gay for each other and neither of them is alone ever again.)

Tagging @aemelia (you will have to rec all of yours lmao) @kirythestitchwitch @thetourguidebarbie and anyone else who wants to do this and has multiple fics.

[rockerscentral]

ROCKERSCENTRAL MASTERPOST🎸

(A rockers-related Rhythm Heaven ask blog!)

Info can be found under the line break.

___________________

The Basics: (or the General Info)

This blog serves to be a more creative way for me to share all of the ideas that I had planned out for the Rockers, along with some other guys, mainly following a story-esque format that follows their "backstory" and how they had originally met up to become the well known rock duo they are now!

Following up on the text above, just to clarify and put it straight, the blog will not start out with the both of them right away, and will likely follow the perspective of one or the other.

While there will be art for a bunch of the asks, especially for standard posts that are needed to progress the story, I cannot guarantee that there will be something drawn for each ask, though I do wish to try and do so. That applies to whether it's a colored sketch, actual drawing, a simple doodle, etc.

Some characters may have different names than some that may be commonly used as a fan-name from the fandom, the main case of this going to Student (name being Jamie.)

This whole blog's going to be a headcanon fest, considering how a majority of this is me making shit up for the most part, so please keep that in mind if you see different portrayals for one thing or another.

Additional Notes:

If you are running another character-based blog, it is completely alright to interact with this account! Just keep in mind that this is technically taking place in the past, which means that any asks that are sent that mention anything that could be in regards to any present matters /foreshadows anything about the Rockers will likely be ignored.

While it may not be prevalent for the long run start of this blog, I do ship the Rockers together, and would probably come up at some point very later on when the time comes, so be weary of that if you don't like the ship and such.

This blog is only being run by me, myself and I ( @submaskudari ), so things might be a bit slow depending on the situation.

I will also answer asks that are out of character for those who wish to know anything from me specifically ^_^

Unless there is only one character that's available for asks, please specify who you are sending an ask towards, otherwise it may be pushed back out of confusion.

___________________

Blog Rules:

Don't be a weirdo in the asks LOL

NO METAGAMING.. I have no idea how that'd play out anyways, but this still applies :sob:

Try not to spam the ask box, or be repetitive with asks.. I'm just one guy, and sometimes it might take a moment to spot it.

Transphobia, Homophobia, Racism, Proship, and all of the other bad shit is not welcome here, so please see yourself out if you fall under said criteria.

Please be kind!! I am just a little guy, again.

___________________

Tags:

# (insert character name) + ask: Asks that are directed to said character #main art reblog: main blog posts that either feature Rockers/ Blog-related content. #refs: Simply the refs I work off of for the characters I draw here. # (insert tumblr user here): Asks sent by said user/blog. #asks: Ask posts in general. #ooc ask: Asks that are related to the blog, but are directed to the blog owner (me) rather than an ic ask for the characters. #masterpost: what do you think LOL #sillyart: probably gonna be labled under shitposts or verrry bad doodles, just goofing around! #rockerscentral: tag for chrono-order posts, asks or non asks

#djschoolcentral: april fools posts (chrono order, too)

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This will be updated time from time as the blog progresses, rather it'd be for rule additions or something else. If anything, I'm probably going to add a blog Q&A for any additional questions that anyone may have, so feel free to ask!

[lucky-clover-gazette]

captive prince book 1 highlights & annotations

chapter 6

indented text is from the book. some quotes have commentary, some do not. some comments are serious, and some are definitely not. most of them will only make sense to people who have read the series. and, like, there are spoilers. so please read the books first if you're interested!

also: part of the reason i'm doing such a close reading is to study cs pacat's style, especially in terms of how she does romance and erotica. there are "craft notes" that might seem weird, like i'm being redundant or restating something rather than analyzing, but those are more things that i want to remember/take away from the writing!

i'm going to tag these longer posts with "sam reads capri" in case anyone wants to read them all at once.

this is a google doc i wrote with overall content warnings for the captive prince series. it's not perfect, but i do think it's important to include.

‘In case he found me pleasing, I was being trained for the Prince.’ ‘Were you?’ said Damen, with some interest. ‘Because of my colouring. You can’t see it in this light, but in daylight, my hair is almost blond.’ ‘I can see it in this light,’ said Damen. He could hear the approval saturating his own voice. He felt it shift the dynamic between them. He might as well have said, Good boy.

damen likes blondes moment #5, ft. damen’s vague slavery apologism. booooooooo

He should be in Akielos, where his training would be fêted and prized.

damen that’s fucked up. i know you don’t know that, but it is and you’ll figure it out

‘You were made for better masters than these. You deserve someone who appreciates your worth.’

context: slavery, in all forms, is wrong. the narrative knows this. damen does not.

It wasn’t possible that something like this was going to happen—that this court was so depraved that a mercenary could rape a royal slave a scant distance from the gathered court.

some really interesting questions about consent here. can sex under slavery be consensual? i say no. if a person does not have free will, they cannot freely give consent. 

but there is the sex scene between laurent and damen in book 2. that’s on damen’s last night of technically belonging to laurent—however, they both acknowledge that he really was never a slave, by training or behavior, and damen was given many opportunities to leave prior. so to me, it is very much consensual.

anyway, when damen suggests that the sex akielions have with palace slaves is consensual, it’s like… eh, no, i don’t think so. it’s still noncon, just with extra hidden steps and attempted justifications, as opposed to the blunt and unapologetic debauchery of vere (although i will note that in vere, the pets are not slaves, which damen seems to often ignore/forget). the slaves have been essentially trained their whole lives to always consent. that within itself is a violation of their human rights, and means that their verbal consent doesn’t even matter. basically: damen’s moral outrage here is justified, but it also exposes a massive blind spot in his perspective.

Without access to income from his various estates, Laurent’s retinue was substantially diminished and his spending curtailed.

this is so funny to me. laurent has to cancel several streaming service subscriptions because he’s losing income. no more hulu for you, broke boy

There had to be something he could do. There was nothing he could do.

lemony snicket-ass line

Very deliberately, he knelt, and bowed his head, and lowered his eyes to the floor. For a moment, it was so quiet that he could hear the flames from the torches fluttering in the air. ‘This is new,’ said Laurent.

‘Let me guess. You want me to take off your chains. Or reduce your guard. Or put you in a room where the doors and windows are unbarred. Don’t waste your breath.’

context: laurent still cannot conceive of damen being a noble or selfless person

‘Am I supposed to believe you care about their welfare? How exactly would they be treated better in Akielos? It is your barbaric society that forced them into slavery, not mine. I would not have thought it possible to train the will out of a man, but you have managed it. Congratulations. Your show of compassion rings false.’

he’s right! and it’s definitely notable that this comes from laurent, whose strong will is one of his defining characteristics. he feels more disdain for the complete depersonalization of akielion slaves, than for the contractual torment of pets in vere.

laurent and submission do not mix well, ideologically or in practice. when he chooses to be submissive, it’s in order to feel more in control. it’s like what amma says in sharp objects by gillian flynn: “sometimes if you let people do things to you, you’re really doing it to them.” akielion slaves have been conditioned not to question what they’re told to do, and that to laurent is probably more evil than forcing someone who knows that they don’t want something to do it anyway.

‘I don’t know if that is usual practice in this place, but good men don’t torture slaves in Akielos. Slaves are trained to obey in all things, but their submission is a pact: they give up free will in exchange for perfect treatment.’

i know his heart is in the right place, but maybe a pact involving a total loss of free will is just… not good under any conditions?

‘To abuse someone who cannot resist—isn’t that monstrous?’

oof. laurent trauma dramatic irony moment

Finally, Laurent said, ‘You overestimate my influence over my uncle.’ Damen began to speak, but Laurent cut him off. ‘No. I—’ Laurent’s golden brows had drawn slightly together, as though he had encountered something that did not make sense. ‘You would really sacrifice your pride over the fate of a handful of slaves?’ He had worn the same look on his face at the ring; he was gazing at Damen as though he was searching for an answer to an unexpected problem. ‘Why?’

context: this reminds me of the way that laurent offered to help nicaise and then realized he couldn’t, because his uncle has too much power over them both. he’s going through the same logical process here re: fulfilling damen’s request. he’s also confused as to why damen has made the request at all at all, because he still sees damen as selfish and immoral, while his request is undeniably selfless and moral. just like earlier, laurent pragmatically asks—“why?”

‘Because I am stuck here in this cage and I have no other way to help them.’

this is how laurent feels about nicaise. fuuuuuck

‘You think this is a trick,’ said Damen. He could see from the assessing look on Laurent’s face that he was right.

context: damen doesn’t realize it, but the fact that laurent is even looking into this is a total win. he is, in a very slight and cautious way, giving damen’s perspective serious consideration.

‘Something amuses you?’ Laurent. ‘What would I have to gain from—’ Damen broke off. ‘I don’t know how to convince you. You don’t do anything without a dozen motives. You lie even to your own uncle. This is country of deviousness and deception.’ ‘Whereas pure Akielos is free of treachery? The heir dies on the same night as the King and it is merely coincidence that smiles on Kastor?’

THIS CONVERSATION IS SO GOOD. both of their kingdoms suck. they’re both helpless and suffering as princes, and they could both make things better as kings. especially if they worked together! this has been here from the very start, it’s SO fucking good. the slow burn isn’t just romantic and sexual, it’s, like, intellectual. ideological. philosophical. amazing.

‘After you left,’ the guard said, ‘he got a visit from Govart.’ Laurent turned back to Damen, blue eyes like ice. ‘No,’ said Damen, knowing Laurent believed this now to be some scheme of his uncle’s. ‘It’s not what you think.’

context: they’re both acting reasonably here based on the information they’ve been given. the coincidence just sucks. damn uncle

[magolandandfriends]

Hello Magolor and friends, I have been watching your tale play out for a while and its interesting to me. I also brought a gift *place four bags of popeye's chicken in front of them* Its four chicken tender family meals making it 64 pieces of chicken twenty biscuits 20 sauces and 8 sides. I didn't know what you may want so I got 4 sides of fries, 2 sides of mashed potatoes and 2 sides of mac and cheese. Oh right and before I forget I had two questions. First, Magolor are you feeling any side effects from your little heatstroke incident. Second, I saw that Zan Partizanne and Susie are a couple so I was wondering if anyone else among the four of you (sans susie given my earlier point) or other people you know are in relationships. - The Wanderer, Guardian of Omndell

⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡ ⋆ ⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡ ⋆ ⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡ ⋆

[ They’re all happy. Very happy. Certified :D moment. ]

Magolor: No I haven’t been feeling any kind of side effects! It’s been a month since I fainted I’m doing perfectly fine! No need to worry!

⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡ ⋆ ⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡ ⋆ ⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡ ⋆

[QUESTION 2 ANSWERED VV]

Susie: That’s oddly specific-

Taranza: Trust me if I knew why I would tell you but- also don’t tell Marx I told you this I’ll never hear the end of it

Susie: oh don’t worry I won’t. I’ll just use this information to mess with him

Wanderer belongs to: @the-omndell-chronicles !!

(…. It’s been. Almost a month. Since I answered an ask. And it’s been. Almost 3 months. Since I’ve gotten this ask. Um. So how y’all doing)

(Anyways HOLY FUCJING SHIT ITS BEEN ALMOST A MONTH SINCE I FED YOU GUYS WITH MY ASKS IM SO DAMN SORRY- like I said before- college started, i had to wait for my new iPad to arrive, I have to do actual assignments now and I’ve been B U S Y, and this ask wAS SUPER LONG- I had to restart it twice because I wasn’t happy with how it was turning out)

(BUT WOWWWWWIE THIS ONE WAS A FUN ONE. EVEN THOUGH I RESTARTED THE SCRIPT DURING THE WORKINF PROGRESSES THIS ONE WAS A FUN ONE AND I ENJOYED IT. I NEED TO PROPERLY PREPARE MYSELF FOR THESW LONG ASKS-)

(AND DAILY REMINDER ESPECIALLY WITH LIFE STARTINF TO GET MORE BUSY FOR ME. YOURE ASKS ARENT BEING IGNORED. NOT ONLY AM I LETTING A WHEEL PICK FOR ME BUT IM SUPER BUSY NOW. This time I’m going to focus on the asks from July before I go back to the wheel BUT hopefully now that this big one is finished they’ll come out quickly- I’ll try to get 1-2 out by the weekends but if not then please forgive me)

(And to those that read my tags on posts that were marx and Magolor focused- where I get extra silly. Yes this is technically a part where it starts to pick up but it’s more of a prologue if anything so do with that what you will)

(Ok anything else I wanna say- oh yes- Magolor isn’t lying he hasn’t been experiencing any side effects that were linked to the fainting incident. But his friends are keeping and extra close eye on him when the weather is hotter than usual. Man I hope something like that doesn’t happen again that would be cra-)

(OKOK ONE LAST BIT IF IMPORTANT INFO- I normally draw characters from the magoverse for silly and fun but this time I tried to draw this askers OC wanderer for fun- I tried goikg based off the text post that was on their profile but if I messed anything up then I DEEPLY apologize- I’ll try to make fixes if I don’t forget-)

[whatstruthgottodowithit]

The Best Place To Be

Fandom: Elvis Presley, American Actor, Elvis Movie 2022

Pairing: Elvis Presley x Reader

Characters: Elvis Presley, Reader, Jerry Schilling, Dr 

Word Count: 2660  // Rating: Mature

Summary: Tours are well oiled machines but what happens when there’s a spanner in the works

Tags/ Warnings: Request, Requested Fic, Kisses, Established Relationship, 70s Elvis, Elvis on Tour, Tour Schedule, Ill Health, Abdominal Pain, Fever, Nausea, Vomiting, Hospitals, Planes, Fear, Arguing, Angst, Love

Notes: hope whoever requested this likes it. also if you ask me something the surgical nurse in me will always go to something surgical. I have no apologies. 

Elvis Tags:  @literally-just-elvis-fics @caitlin1996

Request from anon:  Could you do one where the reader isn't feeling well but doesn't tell Elvis and she faints?

‘Our only duties, as far as I could gather. Our only duties, our only-’ I mumbled, trying to get the words on the page in front of me to stick in my head though I wasn't having much luck. The book in front of me had been laying in my lap for the past twenty minutes but I had barely made it through two sentences as every time I did a familiar wave of pain flowed through my abdomen making the words melt from my brain. I was sitting in the dressing room, trying to ignore the hubbub that came with the preshow, and trying to distract myself from the pain I had been having on and off all day.

I didn't have time to be ill. Ten cities in ten days meant that for the foreseeable future, my life was a blur of cars, planes, hotel rooms and show venues and though I wasn't working I was still expected to be part of the team. To show up, grin and bear it until we were safely back in Memphis and I could have time to slow down. It wasn't that I didn't want to know what was wrong. I just didn't want to cause problems. When it came to Elvis the goal was clear. Keep him well, keep him working. With me? Who knows. I could be shipped off to a hospital in a state I didn't know or forced to go back to Memphis. I didn’t want that. Or worse. Elvis would insist the tour be rejigged, which meant I’d be receiving the Colonel’s wrath. No, I knew what I needed to do. Hang on and wait it out.

But it was hard, especially as another wave of pain flowed through me bringing with it a round of nausea that made me feel as though I was going to hurl even though I knew full well there was nothing left in me to throw up. I clutched my stomach and closed my eyes, trying to breathe through the ordeal going on inside me.

'You falling asleep on me?’ came a familiar velvety voice which made my eyes snap open. Elvis had come out of the bathroom and was giving himself a final once over before he had to head to the stage. As he fiddled with the cuffs on his suit he watched me in the mirror awaiting my response. ’M'tired,’ I said. It technically wasn't a lie. I was exhausted. Whilst he’d slept soundly on the plane I’d been tossing and turning, unable to get into any position that seemed comfortable. Throw in a day of driving, prepping and general busyness I wasn’t the most spritely. Elvis moved towards the couch I was sitting on and captured my chin with his fingers, tilting my face upwards as he leaned down and kissed me. 'Well don’t be calling it a night just yet,’ he smirked, pulling back, 'you know I love it when you’re watching.'

I nodded and smiled though I could feel uneasiness building inside me. That was the other problem. Though I wasn’t officially a member of the crew I did have a role. I was an unofficial mascot. Someone he needed to get him through the touring schedule. He liked having me by his side, watching every single show and being honest with him about it. I calmed his pre-show jitters and helped him ride his post-show highs but the thought of doing that tonight seemed like a mammoth one. I was comfortable sitting on this dingy little couch in the dressing room and I wasn’t sure how well I’d fare standing at the side of the stage amidst the heat and the noise. Elvis didn't notice my reluctance as he moved to check his hair out in the mirror, in fact, he didn’t have much chance to do anything as there was a knock at the door and Charlie appeared.

'Ready to go boss?’ he asked. Elvis turned and nodded, walking towards me and holding out a hand to help me up from the couch which I did so with as little wincing as possible. He didn't let go of my hand until we were out of the dressing room but before he did he brought it to his lips and kissed my knuckles gently. Then he was lost to the flurry of the crowd. I filtered back allowing his entourage to walk with him, firing questions at him as they walked in step. I could feel myself shrinking backwards, trying to ignore the dull ache in my stomach which twinged with every step. The coolness of the stadium’s corridors was a welcome relief to the warmth I was now feeling in my cheeks from exerting myself just a little but that quickly fizzled away as we walked out into the auditorium and I felt the Phoenix heat melded with the warmth from the stage lights and the thousands of bodies crammed inside waiting with eager excitement.

As the sound of CC Rider echoed out the crowd started to cheer and Elvis limbered up, taking to the stage to rapturous applause. I watched him go, feeling the same awe and pride I felt every night even though I had seen the show a thousand times before. Yet that feeling was only fleeting thought as my discomfort returned almost immediately. I moved myself to a secluded corner, resting against trunks that held equipment in order to keep myself upright. That wooziness from before was present again but I kept myself focused, watching Elvis as he moved around the stage entertaining his fans. I don’t know how long I managed to stand there, focused on the show before another wave of pain hit.

'Are you okay?’ Jerry said as he appeared at my side. As I turned my head to look at him my vision faltered, blurring his face in front of me before it focused back in sync. 'I’m fine,’ I said. 'You don’t look good,’ he said. I moved to wave him off but as I took my hand off the trunk I stumbled, not having realised how tightly I had been gripping it to keep myself upright. Jerry’s hand caught my elbow steadying me. 'Okay you need to sit down,’ he said. I could feel his grip tight against my elbow as he waved to one of the roadies for some help. ’M'fine,’ I said, though my voice sounded as if I was hearing it from underwater. My vision blurred again accompanied by ringing in my ears as I felt a searing pain ripple through my abdomen.

And then nothing.

As I came to I could feel myself being gently deposited down onto a soft surface and I cracked open my eyes to find Jerry watching me with concern as he placed me on the dressing room couch. He moved out of the way, though he perched on the arm beside me as Dr Nick appeared in his place.

'That was some drop,’ he said as he gestured for me to offer him my arm, which I did obediently. 'What happened?’ I asked. 'You went white as a sheet and then hit the deck. Scared the crap out of me,’ Jerry said with a frown. 'Sorry,’ I mumbled sheepishly. 'Your blood pressures down a bit,’ Dr Nick said as he took the cuff off my arm. 'I’m fine honestly,’ I said, attempting to sit up though it was done with a wince as I felt searing pain. Jerry and Dr Nick pushed me back down gently. 'Have you got pain?’ Dr Nick asked. 'A little,’ I said, though he looked at me skeptically, 'okay a lot.’ 'Since when?’ he asked. 'Last night,’ I said. 'Where?’ he said, his hand following mine as I placed it gently on my right side. 'Does that hurt?’ he asked, pressing sharply on my side, making tears sting my eyes. 'Yeah,’ I said, trying to breathe as steadily as I could. 'Any nausea or vomiting?’ he asked. 'A little of both,’ I said, 'but I haven't eaten anything today so the nausea isn’t that bad.’ 'That’s not exactly a plus,’ Jerry said. 'Any fevers?’ Dr Nick said. 'I don’t think so,’ I said watching his face closely as he frowned, 'why what is it?' 'I think-’

'Where is she?’ I heard Elvis’ voice say panicked. He burst in, followed by several guys offering protestations but he wasn’t listening to them. His face was frantic as he came in quickly kneeling by my side as he placed a hand tenderly on my cheek. 'Are you okay?’ he asked, worry in his big blue eyes. 'I’m fine,’ I said though he only took that in for a millisecond before he was looking for a second opinion. He glanced at Jerry who shrugged and then at Dr Nick, 'what’s the matter, Dr Nick?' 'Well it could be a couple of things,’ he said, 'I wouldn’t want to say for definite but she’s got pain and vomiting-’ 'They said you passed out,’ Elvis said quickly. 'It was nothing,’ I said as Dr Nick continued, betraying my denials as he said, 'she did but I think that was more due to her being weak from not eating today.’ 'You’ve not eaten anything today?’ Elvis said. I could see the cogs whirring in his mind as he tried to think about every moment we had spent together and whether or not he recalled what I had consumed. He’d been bleary-eyed this morning at breakfast drinking his coffee and reading his paper whilst I pushed pancakes around my plate. And lunch was on the go as always, easy to hide if needs be. 'Didn’t feel up to it,’ I said. He seemed to take my answer on board but there was something behind his eyes that I didn't like. Anger.

'So what doc?’ he said turning to look at the older man who shrugged. 'Like I said I wouldn’t want to say for sure without tests but that would mean going to the hospital,’ he said. 'Then that’s where we’re going,’ Elvis said matter of factly. 'But we’ve gotta leave and the tour-’ I started to protest. 'Will wait,’ he said looking pointedly at me before he stood up. I could feel the shift in his mode. He was the boss now, looking at the guys who were lingering by the door, 'get a car to take us to the hospital and call ahead. I want a room sorted for when we get there.’ 'What about Dallas?’ Vernon asked with concern. 'Keep it on the books for now. Have the plane on standby so it’s ready if we can make it,’ he said, 'and let the Colonel know.’ 'He’s not gonna be happy about it,’ Vernon said. 'I don’t give a rat’s ass what he’s happy about,’ Elvis said. Vernon nodded and scuttled out the door. A few of the boys lingered too making him glare at them, 'haven’t y'all got things to be doing?'

There was a murmur of agreement as he looked down at me that feeling of disappointment not waning though it softened a little as I felt a pain flow through me again and moved to clutch my stomach. He turned away, mumbling, 'Isn’t there something you can give her?'

'Yes, yes,’ Dr Nick said turning to his bag of tricks and rummaging around in it until he produced a vial of something and started drawing it up. I glanced at Jerry, the only one who hadn’t left and he smiled at me for a moment though it was pulled away from me as Elvis said, 'Jer.'

I watched Jerry jump up obediently and go to his boss. They talked in low whispers for a moment before Jerry clapped him on the back and headed out the door offering me one more smile as he did. As he left Elvis turned around and came and sat on the coffee table beside the couch watching as Dr Nick finished up what he was doing. The pain was eased now, whatever he had given me working instantly though it hadn’t done much for the nausea.

'I’ll ring ahead to the hospital,’ Dr Nick said, 'hopefully we can get some scans arranged for as soon as we get there.’ 'Thanks, Doc,’ Elvis said glancing towards the door. Dr Nick followed his gaze and then nodded subtly. 'Right, I er, I’ll leave you to it. Not too long though. The sooner we get her there the better,’ he said. 'Right, right,’ Elvis said. I watched him as he watched Dr Nick leave the room. Then his gaze fell on me. There was an ounce of compassion behind his gorgeous blue eyes but I could see the tension he was holding in his jaw and it was enough to make me feel like I was a naughty schoolgirl.

'E,’ I mumbled trying to get out words even though I didn’t have a plan for what I was going to say. 'Why didn’t you tell me?’ he asked. 'What?’ I said feeling whatever I was going to say suddenly not compatible as a response. 'You didn’t tell me,’ he said, 'you’re in this much pain. Hardly eaten anything, heading for hospital and I’m the last to know.’ 'You had a show,’ I said. 'When did it start?’ he asked pointedly. 'E,’ I said guiltily. 'When did it start? Because I can bet it wasn’t when you were at the side of the stage,’ he said. I looked at him for a moment and then looked away feeling enormously guilty.

'Last night,’ I admitted. Elvis scoffed. 'So you did have time to tell me,’ he said shaking his head. 'When?’ I said, 'we had places to be. Venues, cars, hotels, planes. There was never a right time and I didn’t think it was that serious-’ 'But you didn’t know that!’ he said his voice louder than intended, 'you could’ve…I could've lost… you don’t know what it is. You can't take risks with your health baby.’ 'Elvis,’ I said sadly. I could see the anguish in his eyes as he said it, catching himself on the idea of losing me. He was always so protective over those that he loved, especially when it came to their health. Losing his mother so young made him careful. I had just been so focused on making sure I was doing the best thing for him I hadn’t thought about what he would actually want.

'Honey…you need me to tell about this stuff. No matter what,’ he said. 'What about your tour? I mean we’re going to be at least three hours behind and that’s if they can figure out what it is right away and the Colonel’s gonna hit the roof-’ 'I don’t care about that,’ Elvis said coming to kneel beside the couch and placing his hand on my cheek. 'But-’ 'I. Don’t. Care,’ he said watching me closely. I hesitated for a moment taking in his look of concern and allowing it to soothe me just a tad. 'Good,’ I giggled, making him watch me with amused concern until I explained, 'you can be my buffer from when he shows up shouting the odds.' 'You think I want to incur his wrath?’ he chuckled his anger and frustration disappearing, 'ain’t having no one in that room except medical professionals.’ 'Not even you?’ I asked quirking an eyebrow. 'I’m the exception,’ he said as he helped me sit up. There was a dull ache inside me now though it was nothing as it had been before. 'Maybe we can play doctors and nurses,’ I giggled as he pulled me up to standing where I clung to his side. 'That sounds like a plan,’ he said leaning down to place a kiss on the top of my head. I didn’t feel 100% right but beside him was the best place to be.

[felicitysmoaksx]

Rating: Mature

Summary: Her eyes squeezed shut before she dropped her head. Borrowed time. It was meant to be her…It was meant to be-

Word Count: 2.3k

Warnings: Inaccurate medical procedures, and implied/references a canonical character death and in depth survivors’ guilt

Read On AO3 | Fic Playlist | Fic Playlist but Less Shippy | Want to be tagged when I post a Rheese story?

Bottled Up Feelings are Silently Screaming (You Were Breaking Down) Ch. 1

“Damn it,” Sarah dropped the clasp she had been fiddling with behind her head and clenched her shaking hands into fists. She had fallen asleep with it on and now the delicate chain was tangled in her hair.  Her eyes squeezed shut before she dropped her head. Borrowed time. It was meant to be her…It was meant to be-

“How long have you been awake?” Connor’s gruff drowsy voice appeared behind her and Sarah jolted before her eyes snapped open. She lifted her head to see him leaning against the doorframe. Bedhead mused hair and he was in nothing but his boxer briefs.

“A while. The storm woke me up.” She told him, which wasn’t a total lie. The rain pelting the roof violently kept her awake, but it was her nightmare that woke her up first.

“It’s barely four in the morning,” he yawned, moving closer to her with padded footsteps. She had been staying with him, since her reluctant release from the hospital. Ava had wanted to keep her at the hospital another three days, but Justin’s funeral was tomorrow…today technically. She wasn’t going to miss her chance to say goodbye to him. Sarah owed him so much more, (“You don’t owe me anything Sarah,” Justin’s voice rang out through her head. She ignored it.) but she could at least give him her being there for Olive, Hank, and Danny. They had lost a husband, son, and father because of her.

(“But Sarah, this wasn’t your fault.” Justin again. Even her mind made him sound annoying as he ever was. Sometimes she thought she saw him too. But she was keeping that little factoid to herself.)

[LINE BREAK]  [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK]

So when she was discharged three days ago, Connor had been there, like he had been since that first day she had woken up and every day after that. So he was there to see a four-way sibling squabble. Erin, Teddy, and Olive were on one side, arguing against Sarah, who was trying to go back to her apartment by herself. It didn’t help that Ava had said that was against advisement. At least while the bandage was over her neck. 

“You’ll need help to change it. It's too awkward of a spot for you to attempt it by yourself.” And so the argument began and when it became clear it was going nowhere, Connor quietly inserted himself and offered up his apartment and himself. 

“You spend five nights out of the week there and over half of your stuff and pillow is there anyway,” he said to her but looked at the other three too. He said it easily, like…like there was no other option because it was like they were in a relationship.

But they weren’t in a relationship. They just slept together. 

 There was that secondhand déjà vu feeling again. Especially when Sarah and Connor were packing up her hospital room with Erin and Teddy’s help. Olive and Hank were busy making the arrangements for Justin’s service. 

Until Connor was pulled away. Even though he had taken this whole week off to be with her and help her recover…another thing that made it seem like he was her boyfriend…He still got called away for the occasional special patient or in this case patients because the Cronin twins were definitely special and Sarah knew how involved he had been with their separation surgery and care since. So she did not bring up her question until he was out the door.

“You know something. I know you know something, I can see it in your eyes.” She whispered after her something was out the door. Keeping her voice down even though it was just the three of them in the room. Her childhood had been rough but growing up the way she had before and after Hank had taken them in, had taught her ears were everywhere. 

Erin pursed her lips together but said nothing as she folded the blanket the nursing staff in the ED had bought Sarah. 

“I mean, you saw the look in Hank’s eye when he left here that day. It’s the same look he had that day with Charlie.” Charlie had been heading for the bottom of the river until her pseudo-sister had begged Hank for his life.  “But when he came back later that same night that look was gone, yet he said intelligence was still looking for Bingham and that he skipped town. We all know what Hank is capable of and there is only one reason why that look would be gone if Kevin Bingham actually ‘skipped town.’” 

Her sister ignored her, soothing the blanket once it was in the duffle. Sarah found herself sighing, her pseudo-sister was always better at pressing for information than she was.

“Erin,” 

“Sarah, the most important thing is that you're safe.” Her sister told her as the oldest of three of them whirled around to face her. Her tone was filled with agitation and another emotion the curly brunette couldn’t place. So that meant Hank had- “And if Bingham somehow tries to come back, we’ll be here to protect you.” 

 So did that mean that Bingham was still out there?

“You’re answering my question, but also not answering my question by giving me two answers.” 

“Exactly,” the older woman sighed and glanced between her siblings. The emotion that Sarah couldn’t place before was still there.  “Look, intelligence was ordered to step away from the case and we didn’t. That alone is going to prompt the brass to investigate but especially since there’s been nothing from Bingham in a few days. So if and when someone comes to question you-”

“We’ll have plausible deniability because we don’t know if he’s alive or dead. Like that hypothetical cat in the box.” Teddy finished for her. Erin nodded. Sarah wanted to argue. Say that Bingham had shot her so she deserved to know if he was gone for good or not, but she knew why her pseudo-sister was being so careful. 

“I hate this,” she said in frustration and anger at everything. The use of an explicit word showing just how much all of this was affecting her. “I fucking hate this.”

“I know, and I’m sorry I can’t give you a definitive answer but it is what it is.” 

“You know though. The definitive answer?” Sarah asked. Erin didn’t look at either of her siblings. Then the brunette sighed, “Erin, I’m not asking about what happened. I’m just asking if you know what happened.”  

Then there was the faintest of nods.

[LINE BREAK]  [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK]

“What’re you thinking about?” Connor’s voice broke through her thoughts as he finished untangling her necklace from her hair. 

“Nothing,” Sarah answered softly, and when the Justin in the corner of her vision scoffed, she amended her answer, “Everything. It’s like my mind is going at a breakneck speed and when I try to focus on just one thing, it’s like this roaring fills my ears.” 

“Have you tried the sedative Dr. Lana prescribed you?” Sarah shook her head. She was a psych resident. She had prescribed sedatives to her patients before. So why did her body seize up at the thought of taking it? 

Justin’s ghost scoffed from where he now stood in the corner of Connor’s on-suite bathroom. (So it was going to be one of those nights. Where she could hear and see him.) Yeah, Yeah. Logically she knew it wasn't a weakness. Especially right now. Given everything going on in her orbit right now.  But logic wasn’t in play at the moment. It hadn’t been in the last few days. 

Still, she had tried to take the medication last night but, “I need him to change it. I read the label and it reacts negatively with my migraine medication that I took last night.”

The achy feeling of crying on and off the last few days had finally caught up to her and had settled in her head and beneath her skin, making everything feel stiff and marking the beginnings of a migraine for her. 

Her lover hummed sympathetically, resting his head against hers. 

“We could turn on the TV? Maybe that’ll help you fall back asleep? Or at the very least relax?” Sarah frowned at his offer. If they did that, Connor wouldn’t be able to sleep. Her lover had always said he had trouble falling asleep to TV because the lights flickering on and off kept him awake.

She shook her head at him. His skin like usual was warmer against hers. “You won’t be able to sleep then. I’ll be okay. I haven’t been sleeping much anyways.”  

“I know, baby. But we should at least try to get some more sleep. I know it’s going to be a difficult day for you, already. Not sleeping is just going to make it that much worse.” He murmured in her ear. Despite the new ache in her neck, from the hole in her skin, the brunette nuzzled her face into his neck. 

“Hey, have I ever told you how Dr. Downey convinced me to go into cardiothoracic surgery?” He mused in her ear quietly. Eyebrows drawing together in confusion because she didn’t understand why he was suddenly bringing this up, Sarah shook her head. 

He grabbed her hands and started to walk backwards. Back to the bedroom as he tugged her along. “Come on. I’ll tell you all about how I thought he was completely crazy at first and I was content in trauma.” 

They settled back against the mattress, under the sheets and blankets. That was a breakdown in the making when they got here that first night.

[LINE BREAK]  [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK]

When they left the hospital and made it to his apartment, she had decided to take a nap while Connor put her stuff away because he wouldn’t let her. So Sarah climbed into her side of his bed and that’s when it happened. She turned on her side because she absolutely hated sleeping on her back. Her neck sang with agony as pain radiated and pulsed through the hole. In the grand scheme of things, the breakdown seemed especially childish now. But because of the stupid hole in the side of her neck now, she couldn’t sleep on her side of the bed where her spot was. She couldn’t be pressed up against Connor like was used to. She would have to sleep on her back.

So Sarah had started crying. And not just crying, but bawling and wailing into her pillow, with Mr. Bear tucked into the bend of her arm like she was a child again. The brunette knew it was childish to cry, and had even felt silly about her fit afterward. 

But it was just another thing that stupid bullet hole had taken from her. The already gaping wound just made that much deeper. The knife or gun if you will, was dug that much farther. The bullet hole had already taken her brother and now it was taking her ease of sleeping.

Connor had stopped at the sight when he came out of the bathroom. To his credit though, he didn’t bat an eye or react negatively when she told him what was going on, and why she was so upset. Instead, her lover simply pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. 

“We’ll fix it,” he promised her in a quiet voice. That night he did fix it after he changed the bandage on her neck. With such an easy and simple solution that Sarah found herself feeling silly for not thinking of it herself. He switched sides with her. Now her pillow and Mr. Bear were on the side closest to the door, instead of being closest to the windows. 

[LINE BREAK]  [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK]

With his hand carding through her curls and caressing her cheek, he began to tell her how he thought Downey was a pothead. But he was just smoking to help ease the pain of his cancer. 

“He should’ve made brownies with it. The stuff is a lot stronger that way and it would’ve worked faster.” Sarah yawned; her legs caged one of his as she pressed farther into his side. Connor halted in his story. Then in a joking tone, he asked, “Do I need to start checking the brownies you make before I eat them?”

A snort left her mouth before she could stop it. “No, I just had one experience with pot brownies when I was ten. I didn’t know were pot brownies though, but I will say this. They made it so I barely felt my appendix scar that day. I slept right through the day before I told Erin that I borrowed her sweater and I was the reason it had a huge tear at the bottom of it”

 Connor laughed. A hearty big laugh that Sarah felt through her body. His hand reached up to cup her neck so he didn’t jostle her. Still chuckling he continued his story. Sarah didn’t necessarily fall asleep to her lover’s soothing tone, but she drifted into a state close to it. Justin’s ghost appeared in front of her as she blinked slowly, in the middle of her drifting off. “He’s good for you. He seems to know when to push you. You’re going to need that now that I’m gone.” 

Too bad, he wasn’t hers. Despite his confusing nature these last few days of acting like he was hers. Sure, she had him now. But she didn’t really have him. Not where it counted.

The roaring dulled slightly and Sarah drifted farther into that sleeping, not sleeping state and stayed that way. At least until Connor shook her shoulder a few hours later to inform her it was time to get up to get ready for the service.

[rubberbandballqueen]

About your tags: is there more that you can share about the OW fandom and fics? This was a phenomenon I wonder about too. It was one of the most popular fandoms around 2017-2018, but the way the fandom stopped on its tracks around 2019 was hard not to notice. Especially from people who didn't play the game but were aware of it's fandom.

oh! overwatch is one of about 50-ish fandoms i track for this one spreadsheet project i do as a hobby (which i Technically blog about @fandom-data-scientist, but i've been too lazy to do a proper writeup to explain what the hell it is i do), wherein i try to answer the age-old question: when did the weebs move to ao3?

(the answer is late 2015/early 2016. most likely this was in large part a result of undertale and sports anime, but that's currently just my own conjecture)

According To My Research(tm), the overwatch fandom peaked in late 2016/early 2017 when it comes to the number of new fics posted per month. after this, it declined quite rapidly, as it didn't even get to enjoy a plateau period.

(there's a reason why the plots are really wonky towards the end of this graph-- it's bc i found the past dates for number of fics archived to a particular site via the wayback machine. since those snapshots are typically bot crawls, the number of fics shown on the fandoms listings will not include fics that have been archive-locked. although i technically started this project in august 2022, i did not add overwatch to my tracking list until this june/july or so. my current guess for the small uptick in the rate of ow fics published to ao3 in october 2022 is that the sequel came out? and then the rate plunged for january 2023 bc of the ai scraping scare that happened at around that time-- nearly every single fandom i track had a significant drop right then bc everyone was archive-locking their fics. the rate shooting up in like july 2023 on this chart is bc like i said, that's when i added ow to my list of tracked fandoms; because i'm logged into my own ao3 acct when checking these numbers live, i get access to the archive-locked fics and so the display number goes up.)

in my experience, fandoms will generally kind of plateau in their fic production after their peak, which will ofc normally gradually taper off. games that receive regular lore or story updates probably have fairly long or stable plateaus, although i haven't made scatterplots or made any comparing analyses to prove this rigorously. this plateau period generally represents a time of fandom stability as the fair-weather, casual, or migratory slash fans run off to the next big thing.

if we ignore the fact the plague and quarantine happened, we can see a nice, steady, and very consistent plateau period for the danganronpa fandom from about 2018-2020!

let's look at an older fandom, like my archnemesis final fantasy:

granted, the ao3 numbers are kind of all over the place these days, but you kind of get my point by now, right? that healthy fandoms tend to plateau as the wind carries away the faintly-interested and leaves the long-haulers behind to form their communities.

overwatch struck me as unusual when i was on one of my long wayback machine trips because of the way there was a net increase of only two fics published from 1 july 2021 to 1 october 2021, when before then it had usually been in the hundreds or so. i then went on a work tangent n googled around n more or less concluded it had Something to do with some kind of scandal with the development company, but otherwise i don't really have any more comments on it hahaha.

[faejilly]

AO3 MEME

tagged by @elfyourmother & no-pressure tagging @junemermaid @lynne-monstr @glorious-spoon @la-muerta and the usual 'anyone who would like to be tagged'

Rules: Give us the links to your wonderful words with the most hits, most kudos, most comments, most bookmarks, most words, and least words.

Most Hits: I am for you (20,927) my mundane Malec epistolary email fluff-fic WIP. Some day I will finish it tho!

Most Kudos: two are halves of one (1,222) More Malec fluff. A 5+1 canon compliant outsider POVs.

Most Comments: Also I am for you (426 threads, 796 comments)

Most Bookmarks: with an if in its soul (461) This was supposed to be a eulogy. Like. Just the eulogy. Technically kind-of a not!fic! Barely long enough to be worth posting! And then I never got to the eulogy at all and instead wrote over 22k words for a case fic where-in no one actually stayed dead!

Most Words: By myself, Lost For Words, my Horizon fix-it fic for ME2 that uh, also decided to ignore all my original intentions. (Which were completed with the first chapter. And then I kept going.)

Though I am for you will have more when it's done!

Total word count max is a collaborative fic-wip in hibernation (aka an Unfinished Object, or UFO, which seems especially appropriate for Mass Effect) Persephone Rising, (190,409) where @siawrites, @evilsapphyre & I put our three Vanguard Shepards in the same world state because the realization that we hadn't overlapped background/service history was both hilarious & irresistible.

Least Words* So I have a LOT of old meme/ask box fic that is really short (3 sentences! One scene response! That kind of thing) and that I also archived into ficlet-collection-fics as individual CHAPTERS so there is no really feasible way for me to figure this out without way more effort than I'm willing to expend.

That said, the shortest ficlet I posted by itself is Consequences, a DAO epilogue for @owlmoose95 about a Brosca who'd romanced Alistair and then spared Loghain... and been horrified both by Alistair's lack of political sense AND Anora's egregiously human-only perspective, so really wanted them to work together on ruling Ferelden or they'd be as fucked up as Orzammar in a few years, and no one wants that.

She's maybe a little bitter about all the idiots around her for awhile.

It is also only 194 words, which is legit shorter than some of my fanmixes because I've been known to babble. 😅

[glorious-blackout]

I just finished reading "I'll See You On The Dark Side of the Moon" and my h/c heart loved it so much. Can I get the director's cut for that?

Also, I saw your tags on an anon post. I am also ace! I didn't think I'd run into any other ace Milex shippers here ❤️

Awww thank you so much! 💖 That story (and the whole Milex Big Bang experience) was very special for me so it always makes my day to hear from readers who enjoyed it!

I technically do have a 'director's cut' ending for this fic 😅 Because it was written and edited over a period of months, it had plenty of time to morph from a traditional psychological horror into a story that was more concerned with Alex and Miles's relationship and Alex's desperation to return home. This meant that by the time I got around to writing the first draft of the last chapter, the ambiguous ending I'd had in mind from day one was starting to rub me the wrong way, especially after the intensity of the events leading up to it. After a lot of internal debate and some feedback from my lovely friend who read the early drafts of each chapter, I eventually settled on a more hopeful conclusion which I still feel was the right decision.

Enough time has passed though that I'm happy to share the original ending for curiosity's sake - the only major changes were in the last few paragraphs of the chapter 😊

A soft thud rudely interrupts such pleasant fantasies.  

They break apart, rosy-cheeked and breathless, casting an eye over the bed until the source of their interruption presents itself. Miles’s battered copy of ‘The Restaurant at the End of the Universe’ has slipped from its perch and is now resting precariously against the bedrails, its pages splayed open and threatening to crease beyond repair the instant they hit the floor. Alex rescues it mindlessly - just in time to spare it from slipping through the gap - and brings it closer, recognising the neon imprint of the title from his childhood. 

Without really thinking, he flicks through the yellowed pages, glancing at the dense passages for only a moment before throwing the book aside, blinking away the faint stirrings of a headache. 

“You okay, love?” Miles asks, seemingly out of the blue, until Alex realises he hasn’t said anything since their untimely separation. He looks over at Miles, basks in his beauty in the sleepy morning light, and can’t quite bring himself to believe that he’s real. That he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with Alex of all people, when he could have anyone he wanted. 

“Kiss me again?” he asks, hoping that his desperation for reassurance is not as obvious to Miles’s ears as it is to his own. 

“You’re insatiable,” Miles chuckles, but his eyes are warm and his hand cradles Alex’s cheek with a gentleness that makes him want to fall asleep, safe in Miles’s arms. A persistent beep resounds in perfect time with the pulse drumming in his ears, and Miles’s eyes glance in the direction of the snitching monitor.  

“The nurses’ll be thinking you’re in trouble.” 

‘Oh I am,’ Alex thinks, but he elects not to mention it. Truth be told, he can’t bring himself to care, especially with Miles gazing at him as though he’s just unveiled the secrets of the universe. 

It isn’t long before Miles grants his request, kissing him with so much care and love that their surroundings melt into oblivion. Alex finds that this is a rather pleasant state in which to exist, and so he ignores his creeping exhaustion and the slowly awakening aches across his body in favour of letting his mind be consumed by the man he loves more than anything in this world and beyond.   

As he loses himself in the sweet taste of Miles’s lips and the pleasant burn of stubble against his cheek, Alex finds that he’s almost capable of forgetting the way Douglas Adams’s words had danced maniacally across the page, defying all attempts at comprehension. 

Almost. 

[noodle-shenaniganery]

Hello. I wanted to know if something I experience is common or not, so that’s essentially what this post is about.

Okay, so, I’m an autistic person who can mask and does not have any mobility aids, physical disabilities, etc. that would make people assume I’m autistic or disabled. In other words, I would not be considered visibly autistic. I am also white (I think. My skin is considered white, but I’m technically Latino and the debate around all of this kind of stuff is really confusing to me. Any explanations would be great).

I’ve seen a lot of people, mostly in terms of people of color or those with visible disabilities, talk about/share instances where people did things like stare at them in a weird way, go to the other side of the street when they see them (especially East Asian people, with the whole pandemic situation), talk to them in strange ways, refuse to make eye contact, ask intrusive questions, etc. These are often labeled as microaggressions, and, as I understand it, can essentially ruin their day and/or make them feel unsafe, unwelcome, and have a lot of negative impacts on their mental health.

Problem is that I do some of these things, but for completely different reasons (for example: I’m not crossing the street because you’re an Asian person, I’m crossing the street because you’re a person, and being physically near other human beings gives me immense stress. But I understand how you could think otherwise. If I do this to someone who isn’t a minority in a visble way, they’ll probably just think I’m weird). I do them to pretty much everyone. But I’m really worried that I’ll end up negatively impacting someone by doing these things. I don’t want to cause anyone to feel unsafe, unwelcome, unloved, etc. I don’t know how to communicate this or prevent this (any advice would be greatly appreciated).

Alright, now, the point is: do any other autistic/neurodivergent/disabled people feel this way, too? This likely mostly applies to those who can mask/aren’t visibly disabled, but anyone and everyone is welcome to join.

If I said anything ignorant or problematic, please let me know in very literal language (avoid sarcasm, exaggerations, etc.). I hope you have a nice day. :)