#technically my immortal is its own beast but

[firedragon1321]

HEY WHO WANTS SOME FUNNY BADFIC LINES?

I torture myself with badfic sometimes. There used to be a LiveJournal for posting this kinda stuff, but who uses LJ anymore? Here is a fine collection of horrible badfic lines and author’s notes, for your viewing pleasure.

Most of these are from Digimon fic. Some of these are NSFW, or from a NSFW source.

THE FIC LINES (SFW)

“Then Myotismon then said," I think that’s enough damage for one day, ciao!..."

Myotismon, Digimon

This one’s from a Digimon Mary Sue fic. Myotismon- a villain who wants to kill the child protagonists- kills only the Sue. The canon characters mourn the Sue. He has them at his mercy. But then he does...this. This is one of my personal favorites, but I never noticed there’s two “thens” in that sentence until tonight.

“You like what you see, Hugh? Come get it, come get your birthday gift. That’s right; you’re getting an ass as your birthday present. Who needs a Wii U when you’ve got an ass?”

Nate, Pokemon

I need to stop reading bad/OOC fic on purpose. But lines like this make it all worth the suffering. The succulent line “Who needs a Wii U when you’ve got an ass” made me break out laughing- hard. The rest of the fic was OOC crap, BTW.

“What the HELL ARE You Doing You Motherfukers! It was. Dumbledore!”

Dumbledore, Harry Potter My Immortal

This is one of the classics of badfic. I read it in one night. A skunk sprayed outside, providing an odor to enhance my reading experience. I went a little crazy and remember nothing but the famous introduction and this line. A pure gem.

"Stop calling Lexaeus my mom, it just creepy. I mean he's like almost 7 foot and hell of buff!"

Axel, Kingdom Hearts

I vaguely remember this fic was some kind of Soriku/AkuRoku Double Power Hour where Sora and Roxas were catboys or something. This line- like many of the other zingers- comes in out of fucking nowhere. Yes, Axel- Lexaeus is “hell of buff”. I also know the image is technically of Lea, but KH3 graphics are pretty.

“He smiled, before pulling off his plaid shirt. Don't worry, he had a white t-shirt underneath.”

Prose, Digimon

I used to do a lot of MSTs of Digimon fanfics. The Myotismon quote was from one of my victims. So is this one, which was a Stufic. The Stu’s target was Mimi. They were hanging out or going to bed or- God knows what. The author pulled the story to a full fucking stop to tell the reader about this white t-shirt. Just in case they thought things were getting too racy. The fic was rated K on fanfiction dot net.

“Mimi's eyes widened as she watched the older man grab Izzy's neck viciously as the man grabbed a rifle from his pocket and held it threateningly against the younger boy's head.”

Prose, Digimon

Another old MST victim. Yes, you read right. A thug pulled a full-size rifle out of his pocket. I had to stop my MST for two solid minutes because- no? I think the author meant a small handgun, not a fucking rifle. Fun fact- the minimum length of the barrel for a rifle is sixteen inches. This is equal to stuffing a standard ruler and then some in your pocket!

““DORA! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Screams Annie way too overdramatically.”

Prose, Digimon

This was another Suefic. Not sure if I actually MSTed this one. Anyone who knows Digimon knows that- right before crossing into the Digital World- your regular Joe experiences some freaky electronic behavior. A television playing Dora the Explorer- to the delight of some teenagers- zapped out, leading to this little gem.

"I had them not shoot you for the soul purpose to annoy you."

Leomon, Digimon

This fic was an MST fic and I fucking hated it. It was made by non-Digimon fans if I remember correctly, who made everyone OOC and stupid. And used “knave” as an insult a lot. Leomon was an antagonist- not sure if he was under Devimon’s control- and he summoned cupids to make the DigiDestined fall in love with random bullshit. TK was spared this gruesome fate. When he questions why, Leomon drops this zinger.

“He then kicked Gatomon a few feet (Because I hate Gatomon and so does Koushiro.) “

Prose, Digimon

Same fic as above. I forgot to mention the Author’s Notes liked to butt in at times, too.

"Sorry Miss Luna, but there are no breaks form learning your education,"

Teacher, Digimon

MST Suefic victim. This one is just a grammar mess. It looks like something Google Translate might write if it was allowed to make a fanfic. No- let’s not wish that into reality.

“He decided to act like a complete wigga and moonwalked home at 45 miles an hour.”

Prose, Beyblade

This was the most terrible Beyblade crackfic I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be a slur in there? The moonwalking bit was what got to me, in addition to the very specific speed. The fic gets even worse. That gem of a line is in the NSFW section.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?! RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD?!"

"Samus... there's no sal-"

"DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT A MEME IS!?"

Link and Samus, Smash Brothers

I honestly remember nothing about this fic except this line.

THE BEST POKEMON BATTLE EVER

(Note- I didn’t bold anything to avoid eye strain. The battle below is presented uncut in its entirety, to deliver maximum pain. Enjoy!)

+++++++++++++++++

"Let's get started, shall we?"

"Okay," Rosa said, moving away from Elesa to get their battle started. "Go, Emboar!" Rosa said, releasing an Emboar holding a Quick Claw.

"Go, Zapdos!" Elesa said, releasing a shiny Zapdos. "Thunderbolt, Zapdos!"

"Flare Blitz!"

Doing as told, the Emboar ignited himself, then he rushed towards Zapdos to tackle it. The Fire-type move instantly knocked Zapdos, but it costed a bit of Emboar's health.

"Impressive, I say. Go, Raikou!" Elesa said, and she released Raikou. "Thunderbolt!"

"Flare Blitz, again!"

The Emboar's Quick Claw didn't activate this time as Raikou attacked first with Thunderbolt, easily blacking Emboar out. "Go, Haxorus!" Rosa said, releasing Haxorus. "Outrage!"

"Hidden Power (Ice), Raikou!"

The Raikou's Hidden Power wasn't enough to knock Haxorus out as Haxorus retaliated with Outrage, knocking Raikou out as Elesa stomped her foot.

"Damn," Elesa cursed.

"Almost out of Pokemon?" Rosa asked.

"Yep, let's see what happens next!" Elesa replied.

After releasing her last Pokemon, a Magnezone holding a Life Orb, Elesa yelled, "Hidden Power (Ice)!"

Rosa didn't order her Haxorus to use a move since Outrage forces Haxorus to use it again. After getting hit, the Magnezone used Hidden Power to knock Haxorus out.

"I'm almost out too," Rosa said.

"Then let's finish this," Elesa said.

"Okay. Go, Sigilyph!" Rosa said, and she entered a shiny Sigilyph in battle. "Use Heat Wave, Sigilyph!"

"Avoid Heat Wave, then use Thunderbolt!"

Failing to avoid the Sigilyph's Heat Wave, the Magnezone blacked out and Rosa jumped up and down in joy, celebrating over a win against a Gym Leader.

THE FIC LINES (NSFW)

"She just walked away licking off your semen like it was gameshow slime."

Sora, Digimon

MST victim again. “She” is Kari and “your” is Tai. Yep- it was one of those fics. The fic was later revealed to be a deconstruction of ero-fics, exonerating it of all crimes. But this line remains, like a bad taste in your mouth.

"With my Viagra pills of the gods, anything is possible."

Palutena, Kid Icarus

This was...special. The fic was set up to be a Pit/Palutena fic, then abruptly bait-and-switched into Pit/TWINBELLOWS. This line explains why Twinbellows is willing to participate in a union straight from the Underworld.

“Jizztacular!“

Pit, Kid Icarus

Same fic as above. You can probably imagine when this line comes into play.

"Whut are you fuck'un norms looking at!" roared Granpa, his 134 inch knob swaying out in front like a barge pole. "GAY PRIDE WORLD WIDE!"

Ryu Granger, Beyblade

This is the same fic as the moonwalk line and hoo boy. I told you it got worse. How to make it even worse? Every single major male character is lined up behind him and- well, I’m sure you can figure out the rest.

THE AUTHOR’S NOTES

“this is a sentence that makes no sense for you enjoyment.“

AN, Kingdom Hearts

This is from a response to a PM from an anti, who wasn’t happy about the author sexualizing the underage characters. The author broke down the PM- itself poorly written- in a nasty, mocking way, making an ass out of the anti. This was part of that response, and perhaps the only redeeming quality of the exchange.

“My grandmother was a poet (she taught me to read, too!) and she watches over me from the Good Place The Good People Go. She watched me write all 12+ words of this. Do you think YOU can shame me, internet puritans? Do you really? No one can shame me or stop me. The only thing that can stop me is running out of tea.”

AN, Beyblade

This is similar to the AN above. It’s more of a general response to antis than a direct attack on one person. This line made me lose my mind laughing. Remember- it’s okay to write pedofics, as long as Grandma approves of them first! Props for having better spelling/grammar than the Kingdom Hearts AN...

THE END

You survived! Yay! This is my grand gallery of badfic lines and horrible author’s notes. I am honored to share it with all of you!

[multifandombullshitbabes]

ive been obsessed with the concept of merlin who actually runs away with freya because after she got injured he panicked and healed her right in front of arthur. so he panicked, again, and ran away with her to live next to the lake. and they do build their lil cottage and have a strawberry farm and some cows. and they also have time to explore their feelings.

and its the funniest thing, because merlin has also been slowly crushing on arthur, and that much is clear whenever he talks abt him to freya. it doesnt make her jealous or anything, just sad that she knows they'll probably never be together. that the only time that merlin and arthur do "interact" is when merlin secretly saves his ass every week or so. like merlin technically never left, but now he gets creative, uses glamours, learns shape shifting after helping freya with her own curse.

he gets to meet with morgana now, because freya urged him to not leave her alone in this mess, so now we don't get evil morgana (yay!). merlin also tentatively tries to do the same with mordred whenever they do meet with the druids, especially when they were figuring out freya's curse, and mordred grows on merlin, so we also dont get evil mordred (great bonus).

and another thing that ive also been obsessed with thinking is that when the great purge began, nimueh tried to sought out balinor since i think they were friends, being 2 magic users with special abilities (high priestess and dragonlord). and she ended up at ealdor just in time to see merlin be born.

and then they meet later on, and nimueh kinda doesnt believe that that's merlin from ealdor since hes in fucking camelot. but then the questing beast happened. and when merlin goes to kill her, she manages to shield herself last second. and feeling that great power that she felt when merlin was born, because he was almost glowing golden and so potent she almost dropped him when she held lil merlin, her brain fucking stopped. she cannot kill merlin. and so she does something that she almost did when she met hunith, and she understood in that little time why balinor had stayed with her, and nimueh decides to use the power she has for her immortality to ensure arthur lives. so now she will age like a normal human, gaius is alive, and so is arthur. and now merlin and nimueh are very awkward with each other.

especially when a bit of time later they end up meeting with the druids to help freya and theyre also helping nimueh. she felt as if her powers were weaker, but merlin was like "yh no ure lying u feel exactly the same" n leaves thinking nimueh is plotting. when in reality she actually did think her powers were dying and that fear made it seem as if it was actually happening. her mind played tricks on her, and she almost believed her magic was dying.

so after this lil nimueh interlude, lets go back to freya and merlin.

the funniest thing abt theyre situation is that. while merlin is obviously crushing on arthur (and brooding abt it cuz yknow), freya is just. "merlin, i think im crushing on gwen." "???? have u met her?" "no but ive seen her and she smells like a good person and also i like what i know abt her from you." "ok-" "also im crushing on morgana." "freya." "also elyan." "GWENS BROTHER????" "HES. PRETTY. YOU CANT TELL ME THAT NOT TRUE CUZ LAST TIME I CHECKED UR EYES ARE WORKING FINE."

i do think that when freya finally gets control over her curse and has her lil space with merlin, her true sunshine gremlin nature comes out and she manages to be more chaotic than merlin, just also more sweet. and dangerous. she can turn into a literal monster.

also. merlin and freya getting married. and having babies. twins. its been on my MIND non stop yall, this has never happened before idc abt kids-

[wackyrumble]

FINAL

Roommate v.s. Isaac and Miria

Roommate - Diary of a Tourney Kid

A clone of Adam Ruins Everything that came out wrong. He debunks things in the same way as his original, but completely incorrectly. Bill Cipher turned him into a hand puppet and fused him with a clone of another character. Fought Walter White and his evil shadow self, Walter Black. Read more about Roommate below.

Isaac and Miria - Baccano!

"They're incredibly flamboyant bank robbers, perpetually dressed and acting a decade or two out of date and never notice this is weird, they made themselves and two dozen other people immortal by accident, they didn't *notice* that they were immortal and unaging for seventy years, and when they did notice they immediately concluded it meant they were vampires. (Vampires don't exist.)" Apparently this last part might be inaccurate but I don't know this series and I love misinformation. Read more about Isaac and Miria below.

Full description of Roommate:

"OK OK OK SO LIKE. HE'S FROM THIS MASHUP TOURNAMENT HOSTED ON SOUNDCLOUD & DISCORD CALLED "DIARY OF A TOURNEY KID, RIGHT? YES, IT IS BASED OFF OF DIARY OF A WIMPY KID IN NAME, THEMING, AND A BUNCH OF THE CHARACTERS IN IT. AND YES, THE ENTIRE PREMISE WAS STARTED BY GREG HEFFLEY TRAPPING A BUNCH OF PEOPLE IN THE DIARY. LOOK. OKAY. THAT ISN'T THE POINT HERE. (including a few real people but. roommate isn't one of those real people, LOL)

so Roommate is, like, a WEIRD case. he's a clone of a TV personality version of a real guy(adam conover specifically the whole thing he does in, like, adam ruins everything), but is SPECIFICALLY STATED TO BE A SEPERATE CHARACTER IN LORE. LIKE. HES A WHOLE OTHER GUY. HE DOESNT EVEN ACT LIKE HIM. HES LIKE. THE SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN EQUIVALENT OF A MAN. all he does is run around and "Debunk" shit but hes getting it all totally WRONG. It's like, if someone who never watched adam ruins everything before took one look at its name, the blonde, glasses wearing combover having guy on the cover, and went. "oh, this guy is gonna be HORRIBLE, isnt he". and in the shows case thatd be wrong but in roommate's case, he's...he's so pathetic. he's not even the same guy at this point. (and also literally isn't. but)

He never even manages to intimidate anyone even once. not even mr beast and ninja fortnite, (part of a team called Dubious Duo) who he just. VERY much annoyed via "ruining" twitch. He also got turned into a meaty handpuppet and fused to another clone of a different character by BILL CIPHER, of all characters but then immediately fell into a hole. He got his shit beaten out of him by a 19 year old punk catboy JUST before this, too. the punk catboys name is Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart BUT HE IS IN NO WAY RELATED TO THE REAL GUY. HES LITERALLY JUST. SOME RANDOM TEENAGER.

Also, extra fun facts about him include: during an event that happened on the discord, he canonically went ":3". He made his own ytp and posted it on the soundcloud account, too. he put a bunch of goofy wacky cartoon sounds in it. (his mashups use these sounds a lot outside of the ytp, too.) (incase you REALLY wanted to hear the ytp, though. here it is:

P.S: extra information from a friend because they like to infodump this sort of thing & this isn't nescessary at all. but: He gets the fandom nickname of "Roommate" from his connection to Collegehumor & the Insane Clown Posse song In My Room, which he used in the tournament & is strongly associated with. He's so. He's so normal.

(P.S, P.S: THE IMAGE I SENT WITH THIS IS TECHNICALLY ART OF HIM FROM A CROSSOVER WITH ANOTHER SOUNDCLOUD TOURNAMENT THAT HAPPENED. BUT. its the best render i have that isnt done in like. ms paint LOL. IN SAID CROSSOVER (WITH A TOURNAMENT CALLED "THE PERFECT TOURNAMENT") HE ALSO FOUGHT WALTER WHITE AND HIS. EVIL SHADOW SELF, CALLED WALTER BLACK. WHO WAS LITERALLY HIS SHADOW.)

also: nobody in the fandom knows what his deal is, either. they literally just couldnt catch the real adam conover at first so they (In canon) just went "well! time to make a clone, i guess!" and then he came out WRONG."

Another description of Isaac and Miria:

"Ok. they are two people but do not seperate them. they are the stupidest immortal people in existence.

They became immortal in 1931 and would have died a bunch of times. they didnt realized they stopped aging and were immortal until 2001. They dont know how train robberies work so they just rob people then get onto a train. They tried to become good people after robbing a bunch of places by instead robbing the mafia, this worked because they dressed in such stupid costumes that bystanders assumed they were street performers

This video has a good job having their cadence of how they act" "so you take this boxing game. you give it a title defense mode. and then once you beat THAT youre in mac's last stand. you lose 3 times and you retire. the game is over. this is mostly familiar faces. the same human boxers you've already fought to make it this far. but theres also a CHANCE. that you will fight Donkey Fucking Kong. straight up him from the donkey kong games and shit. just an actual cartoon monkey. and you might not! if you get unlucky you could be forced to retire, never having fought Donkey Fucking Kong in a boxing game. and i think thats just like. what makes it all so insane that hes just there. also hes in the audience the whole time throughout the game as a sillhouette. hes hard to notice. but hes always watching. studying you for when he eventually faces you in the ring."

[aziraphales-library]

Could you recoment me some scary/unnerving Aziraphale fic? Preferable not human au. I try to find that on my own used the tag bamf Aziraphale but no luck so far lol

Thank in advance 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

Your blog r super helpful💙💛

This is a pretty tough one to search for, as there are various ways and reasons for Aziraphale to be scary. You might find fics of interest on our #eldritch and #aziraphale’s true form tags, as well as fics in which people perceive Aziraphale as scary here, and serial killer Aziraphale fics here. I’ve found a few more for you with varying degrees of scary Aziraphale, but mind the tags and warnings on some of these!...

You’re Perfect, Dollface by hexiphage (M)

His grin slowly bares teeth. There's a glint in his eye that shines through the long shadows covering half of his face.

"I did not start crafting them until somewhat recently," he explains too casually, using the same tone of voice he’d use to offer tea or cocoa. "But when I started, I could not stop. Are they not beautiful?" His smile is brilliant and minacious.

They're me, Crowley answers in his head. Why are they all me?

Aziraphale giggles, sounding quite pleased with himself. Crowley stands still, monitoring his every move.

"Oh, that was a silly question," he continues. "Of course, they are simply stunning. I captured you perfectly."

A Demon's Perspective by WitchFlame (T)

He steps into a rip in space that should not exist and feels the world flip as the summoning takes him.

Crowley stands or kneels in the interior of a circle while an angel looks up at the resulting ethereal ripple and stretches their wings.

Existence on the other side of a summon is fraught with perils.

Betrayal by 1Lunabug7 (T)

Aziraphale and Crowley were enjoying their lives after the Apocolypse that wasn't, finally free from Heaven and Hell's iron grip. That is, until a certain Archangel finds out about the body-switching trick they had pulled. Now, Aziraphale must struggle to keep Crowley alive, all the while dealing with his own emotions and thoughts. Will he crack under pressure? Or will he save the one he loves most?

Velvet darkness, burning bright by hapax (M)

Anthony Crowley is an ancient vampire who is so Done: with immortality, with his human prey, with his fellow vampires, with himself. Then one evening he encounters a gorgeous, mysterious man who finally renews his interest in living. Too bad this same man seems likely to kill him.

One time Aziraphale Watched his Back and Five times he didn't by Zeckarin (T)

Aziraphale is, technically, a Principality. But he had been created a Cherub.

It means eyes. Many eyes. Our angel doesn't need to turn around to watch his back. Which is a good thing, since watching one's back has become second nature for angels and demons since the Fall.

Like a Moth to the Flame by Hemera7437 (T)

Running from his former pack, shapeshifter Crowley comes upon an abandoned castle in the woods, that resembles more a library than a residence, and finds himself enamored by its mysterious occupant. Aka: The beauty and the beast AU no one asked for, but I wrote anyways.

- Mod D

[fipindustries]

time and space

time

there is a concept that i always always always love which i call palimpsested layers of history. its when you can see clearly the stages of times clearly depicted in physical from in a seamless way.

one of the clearest examples is an archive of civic records, wherein the nearest shelves you can see modern, clear white paper in plastic folders printed with toner all prim and proper but as you go deeper into the shelves you start to see yellow paper typed by typewriter in manila folders and then you start to see old cracking parchment, written with florid quill and leather bound. and its all one continuous system, its living history.

my favourite execution of this is in portal 2, where you go back all the way to the very begginigns or aperture, arguably even before that when it was merely a salt mine. you get to walk down the old caverns and then into the very first lobby and then through all the different layers of offices above that and its all one continuous path! you can go from the highest headquarters of modern aperture and merely following stairs and hallways you can walk all the way down to the old installations (with the help of your portal gun, granted, but the spirit remains).

on the one hand because i like being able to see living history re-play before my very eyes. i like to see the evolution of things, to see how things become other things. it can be easy to forget that everything that exists didnt just spontanously appeared as it currently is, but that there was a long arduous process that brought it here and i love to see that process.

but also there is something magical about the linkage of time and space, about the way in which your own two feet can carry you to the past and its all one continuous path. the illusion that there is a thread, a powerful, unbroken chain running through the ages. its the same feeling i get when i see immortal flames or the oldest cities in the world still standing.

space

another concept that i love is that of the architectonic megastructures. but not the hollow ones. im talking about castles, mansions, palaces.

gormenghast is a great example of it. i love this idea that wether you are in the lowest dirtiest dungeon or the highest cleanest tower, you are still, in a sense, in the same place. within the same thing. that the small sideways bathroom in the servants wing is part of the same structure as the big banquet hall. that the tiny hidden away portcullis, tucked within the cliffside upon which the structure rests is just as valid a way to enter or exit as the giant 10 meter tall entrance for the carriages.

its something about transitions, again, continuity is key here. is about erasing the borders between two things that are very different. that there is a path from the lower kitchens to the north side library. i love this idea that every single stone belongs to the whole. that the moment you are touching one of the rocks in the giant wall surrounding the perimeter you are technically touching the place, all the place.

i love this image of a partly fallen wall, in the farthest corner of the perimeter, the one that is pushing against the forest, where the wall is merely two meters high and one of the branches is hanging over the terrain and you could just climb the tree and get to the branch and you would be inside the great beast.

this can also apply to great ships, to mazes, to universities, to really big machines.

i dont even know what my point is here. just trying to capture emotions

[cutebutalsostabby]

i wouldnt mind hearing more abt that Zelda Timeline Is A Circle theory ...👀👀

I WROTE A WHOLE RANT AND THEN FAILED TO SAVE. JHKJJDGFHJKDFSHKJFK nonetheless: I am so excited about this whole thing that I will literally WRITE THAT WHOLE THING AGAIN DAMN IT. Thank you for the enablement, anonymous stranger!

Anyway. A concession first off that this theory has some massive plot holes, so it's less a case of "here's my carefully considered perspective on the Zelda timeline" and more "here's a corkboard covered in red string". So don't @ me. Unless you also want to share Zelda conspiracy theories, in which case absolutely do @ me. At any time. Please.

With that said: let's start with looking at where BotW sits on the timeline.

The Downfall Timeline

The converged timeline is a fun theory, but I personally think the Downfall Timeline makes most sense for BotW. In particular:

Calamity Ganon is basically immortal, whereas TP and WW Ganon are canonically vulnerable to stabs to the chest and head respectively. Technically Ganondorf II also exists in the Child Timeline, but the BotW script suggests that Calamity Ganon is the Ganondorf of OoT (Urbosa's comments in particular), so we’ll ignore that other guy. As usual.

"Calamity" (yakusai / 厄災) seems like a pretty clear relative of the Great Cataclysm (ooinaru wazawai / オオイナル ワザワイ or 大いなる災い). That phrase comes from a prophecy in ALttP where any time one with an evil heart gains the power of the Triforce, a hero will rise to fight them.

Koroks and Rito exist in BotW, which may seem to tie it to the adult timeline – except that the same circumstances that led to Kokiri becoming Koroks and Zora becoming Rito (changes in habitat) exist in the Downfall Timeline as well. In fact, the Downfall Timeline makes more sense for the Zora: Ganon’s influence results in the destruction of Zora Domain, but some of the Zora flee to Labrynna as seen in OoA. The ones that stay in Hyrule become Rito and the ones that remain in Labrynna stay Zora - thus both can coexist in BotW's Hyrule.

Now the thing about Ganon in the Downfall Timeline is that a) he never dies for good and b) he only gets stronger over time. Meanwhile, the Master Sword slowly loses its edge, Hylia’s bloodline becomes thinner and the seven sages that originally sealed Ganon away fade out of prominence. By the time you get to BotW, it’s basically impossible for Link to win on his own. If you follow the "ideal" game path, he faces Ganon with both the Master Sword and the Divine Beasts and manages to buy enough time for Zelda to wield the power of the Triforce and seal Ganon away. After dying and spending 100 years regenerating inside a fancy spa bath. Considering the cost of getting that far and the fact that Zelda almost didn't unlock her powers at all, it's not much of a win.

Deus ex Timeline

Worth noting: there's no canonical answer as to why the Downfall Timeline exists. We know that the Adult/Child split happens when Zelda sends Link back in time, so theoretically the same or similar applies to the Downfall Timeline - except that there's no in-game evidence of such a thing ever occurring.

In the Downfall version of the OoT Ganon fight, Ganon defeats Link and steals his Triforce of Courage, then takes Zelda's Triforce of Wisdom. After that, as a last resort, the seven sages (including Zelda) manage to seal Ganon and the complete Triforce away in the Sacred Realm.

It's possible that OoT Zelda turned back time immediately after that, but I think it's unlikely. If Link survived at all, he was probably in no condition to go back, and Zelda herself had just lost the largest piece of her power and likely spent whatever magic she could spare just to seal away Ganon. Even if OoT Zelda thought it was a good idea to try again, even if she didn’t feel any guilt towards Link – and she already expressed a lot of guilt even in the "good" timeline – I don't think she could necessarily have done it. So if the timeline wasn't fractured then, when and how did it happen?

Theoretically, it could've happened at any point, so long as someone made the decision to go back AND had the power to achieve it. But I think it only really makes sense as an act of desperation.

Speaking of which, let's go back to what I was saying earlier about the Downfall Timeline.

It doesn't happen immediately, but at some point, there's a realisation – whether one made by BotW Link and Zelda, by their predecessors or even the gods watching on: the Downfall Timeline is basically doomed. Ganon keeps getting stronger over time, perhaps due to repeat "Great Cataclysms" where he gains the Triforce, perhaps due to what BotW suggests about him being "transformed by malice". He learns from each encounter, so it isn't wise to use the same weapons twice, and the "traditional" tools of Zelda and the Master Sword's divine power keep weakening. At some point, it just isn't going to be possible to win against him anymore, and at that point: the only way to stop Ganon is to beat him back when he was still beatable.

Let's also say, to give it some urgency, that Ganon makes a sudden reappearance not long after the events of BotW. Not after another 10,000 years: shortly after BotW. With the former kingdom in the condition it is, with the Divine Beasts silent and with Zelda's own power exhausted, there's no way they can fight Ganon all over again. So instead, they find some method of travelling back in time.

But When?

I mean, we could stop here and say "they go back and kick OoT Ganon's butt", but I don't think they do. For one: OoT Link already kicks Ganon's butt. We have a whole narrative around that. But more importantly, it's heavily implied that the cycle of Ganon's rebirth is tied to Demise's long-distant curse - which the Goddess Hylia would likely know, even if history has forgotten it. So if Hylia is involved at all in the decision, either through speaking with Zelda through dreams, Link through her private chat or through a plan made eons ago, she wouldn't send them to OoT. She'd send them right back to the start.

Now, the interesting thing about Demise: he isn't a god – evidenced by the fact that he's able to use the Triforce and Hylia isn't for that reason – but he does fight on par with one. Their battle is CLOSE. He was able to wound her badly and get her to the point where giving up her divinity purely to stop him is seen as a valid option. Like: what? That is a big cost and a big risk, Hylia! Why would you do that? She would've had to have a pretty good reason to take such drastic action – maybe because she was able to see to the conclusion of the Downfall Timeline.

Now here's where the details get extra shaky: the only evidence to suggest that time travel way back to the start of the timeline occurred is a) Hylia's desperation to stop Demise, and b) the super advanced tech of the distant past of the Lanayru region, which resembles distant futuristic Sheikah tech and seems entirely out of place compared to the more primitive tech seen elsewhere. But while we're throwing out theories with limited evidence, here are a few other elements of interest:

The Twili

The Twili of Twilight Princess, aka Dark Tribe of Four Sword Adventures. They once attempted to steal the Triforce and were sealed away in the Twilight/Dark Mirror. What if Demise was part of this group, and what if there was a timeline split depending on whether or not he actually obtained the Triforce? If he doesn't, let's say he's still strong enough to manifest a curse, but that the curse itself is weaker in the timeline leading to the Child/Adult split.

The Minish and the Wind Tribe

Minish Cap lore doesn't seem to show up in other games much, but technically the ones that created the armos of MC – and theoretically also armos of long-distant Lanayru – were the Minish on behalf of the Wind Tribe. The Zonai are associated with the Faron Region which is associated with the wind element (e.g. Fado of the Kokiri as Sage of Wind) so the Zonai could be or could be connected with the distant Wind Tribe. In which case, they were one of the groups around in the distant past and may have fought alongside Hylia in the war against Demise.

The Desertification of Lanayru

Something happened to the Lanayru region to rapidly change its environs from lush greenery into a desert. This could have been natural, or could be evidence of either intentional damage or some side effects of the mining of timeshift stones. It isn't clear, but it's fun to think about.

Desert Colossus

In OoT and TP, there exist images of a goddess of the sand – likely a different goddess to Hylia, Din, Farore or Nayru. We still know basically nothing about this goddess and her domain.

The Gerudo and Zuna

FSA is a bit famous for breaking the timeline, but one of the fun pieces of lore it introduces is the weapon with "the power to ruin the world" – found in the desert in the Pyramid of Power. Since Hyrule Castle of Ganon's Dark World in ALttP resembles that same Pyramid of Power, and since Ganon originates from that same region, maybe the trident is one of the factors that tips the scale against OoT Link in the Downfall Timeline.

The Crack in the Earth

The demon tribe Demise belongs to is said to have issued out of a crack in the earth as per SS lore. This could tie them to Din as Goddess of the earth. We still don't know much about why that crack appeared in the first place or why that tribe picked a fight over the Triforce, but that could be relevant to the idea of why "the means to oppose Ganon" as per BotW's prophecy, might be found underground.

The Master Sword

The Master Sword looks to be broken in Tears of the Kingdom, which is unfortunate considering how it's supposed to be sealing Demise. If it's carried back in time with Link, that gives new meaning to Demise's words about a cycle and throws a new spanner in the works in terms of trying to support Hylia in her fight.

Groose

He's not relevant; I just think he's neat.

Wow Those Sure Are Some Plotholes

I never said it was a fully formed theory, more that it was fun to think about. But what do YOU think? 👀

I came up with the above ramble on my own, but I'm not the only one to suggest a loop in the timeline, so I'll be interested in hearing other theories. To be clear as well: I don't necessarily see this as breaking the cycle. It's unclear whether the attempt at fixing the timeline succeeds and changes the outcome in OoT's Ganon fight, and even if it does: what happens in the abandoned Downfall Timeline? Or post FSA on the child timeline or to the sunken Kingdom in the adult timeline? There's still plenty of room for the franchise to grow!

Anyway. Thanks for reading and happy theorising! Imma go get some sleep now. Later!

[aechelus]

[tcotmip]

A NOTE ABOUT DRAGONOLOGY,

Before the eon's creation of the illagers and the following species for the first walkers to sovereign over and cherish, the eons made for them--pets, of sorts. Of course, in early ry'ala, the idea of mundane is unheard of. These 'pets' possessed their own mezmur and abilities as well as mimicking the immortality of their respective first walkers.

In retrospect of what concerns a "dragon", vicious and powerful beasts and species known for their affinity of pryokinesis and ancestral ichor that traces back to the begining of the beyond--there are nine dragon linneages. (of course, before hero wiped them out.)

I. the Aido-Hwedo

-bringer of the cosmos and mezmur as it is known

II. the Eruption

-bringers of volcanic eruptions and new land

-notables: ARCHON, ACHERON, ACHILLES,

III. the Azazel

-notables: AETHER

IV. the Basilisk

-notables: PYTHON

V. the Chimera

-bringers of discovery and scientific advancements

-notables: CHIMERA

VI. the Hydra

-notables: THULE,

VI. the Serpents

-bringers of weather conundrums

-notables: ZEPHYRUS, BOREAS, EURUS, NOTOS

VII. the Viperion

-notables: [ALL OF MY RETELLINGS OF THE ASIAN DRAGON MYTHOS] UWABAMI, RYUJIN, OROCHI, LONG [ALL OF THE INCUNABLE DRAGONS]

VIII. the Leviathans

-bringers of tsunamis, whirlpools, ect

-notables: GHIDDORAH, TITANOBOA, KTHULU, LOTAN, ILLUYANKA

IX. the Ender Dragons

-bringers of death

-notables: KH’AER/HERO, KH’OER/ALDUIN, KH’AISA/HELENA

Aside from the dragons that have origins to be traced back to their respectful first walkers, it is important to note however technically there are four other dragons—while they cannot pass down their ‘divinity’ to any kind of offspring, they are “dragons” in their own right. (Hero scorns their existence and sees them as taints on the dragon name. While hero lacks any kind of respect whatsoever nor sees anyone as an equal, hero seems to be quite proud in concerns of the dragon status and acknowledges only the nine lineages as true dragons).

I. the Wyverns.

-the son of alaricca—Aedelis, prince of the aether. And Foenix.

II. the Ouroboros.

-the man made dragon made from the cult among the deep dark whom wanted nothing more than godhood and ended up turning themselves into a human centipede

III. the Naga.

IV. the Warden.

-the first player who killed the first ender dragon. His divine name is ahriman, but the ouroboros would know him by ‘steve’.

-travelling to the end is no easy feat, to get there ahriman had jumped from the twilight to get there, unfortunately the twilight curse takes its toll on mortals that pass through and the corrpution mixing with the divine power of slaying a first walker and becoming a demigod, he mutated and became the abomination now known as the warden.

[r4bbitdragon]

P-BANDAI PAIR RINGS: RANKED (part 1)

yeah there’s a Lot of them so im not going to force them all into one post. cross-zbuild’s legacy. going to try and order them by the show release order, since that’s probably easiest for me

1. ryuki set (fancy)- 7/10

now, i’m not sure this Quite fits as a set to include. i cant find any proof of them being meant to be worn together and interlocking, which is the main point of the rings im collecting. that said they were sold as a set, so i’m letting them pass. especially they both look quite fancy and nice, in a way that’s not immediately clockable as toku jewelry. in contrast to the next set...

2. ryuki set (boring)- 4/10

first set of interlocking rings! unfortunately, also the first to show a problem with a lot of the interlockable rings, which is the interlocking parts just being two logos next to each other, with no interesting relation. unfortunate. still reaches a 4 for not clashing with each other.

3. den-o mega set- 8/10

skipping ahead all the way to den-o since i don’t think there’s been that many phase one ring sets. this set technically breaks my other rule for these, as they weren’t all sold together in one set, but separately to mix and match. since they were clearly designed to interlock though, im forgiving it.

i really enjoy the interlock mechanism on this one, simple but looks great as you stack them up. the etchings also differentiate them quite nicely, although some definitely are cooler then others. quite a nice set!

4. decade rings- 2/10

these are again on the edge of being included because they dont even interlock (booooo.) they were sold together though, and are currently the only decade ring set so in the end i decided to include them... just so i could dunk on them.

these are so bad, guys. really boring, with, again, no actual interlock. and, yknow, maybe the decade ring could work on its own? simple, but it works

the diend ring completely drags it down though. absolutely hideous, doesn’t exactly look great on it’s own, then completely clashes as a set. shameful stuff. maybe try again, pbandai, decade deserves Something better then this

5. w rings (first) 1/10

huh? what? no.

listen the engravings on the band matching the halves is kinda a nice touch but otherwise this is unforgivable. a design that manages to be a little too boring to actually recall w, and is vaguely phallic? this was your first attempt for the 2 in 1 kamen rider? they deserve a good ring set more then anyone, this was just shameful

6. cyclone joker rings- 7/10

ok yeah thank goodness. falls a little into ‘two logos next to each other’ but at least these are letters meant to be read together. vast, vast improvement on the first set though

7.  dead ankh ring- 9/10

a bit unique amongst the pair rings in that it doesn’t exists to represent two characters, but to remind you of one character, and the fact that he is dead. it sure does remind you that ankh is dead! a very successful set at reminding you that ankh is dead

8. wizard ring set- 3/10 and 10/10

ok yeah overall this would fall into my ‘just two logos’ meh category and 3/10 is probably more accurate overall. however one of these rings is beast, and reminds me of my dear friend Whom Beast Is For. 10/10... for Beast

9. gaim and baron- comedy/10

pfft yeah ok just two logos whatever. this set wins sheer comedy points for being for two characters who just never really get along, before one of them eventually kills the other. just awful. what a duo to immortalize. i love it

[princessofmerchants]

what’s the firebird fairytale retelling

Image Details: "BILIBIN, Ivan [Ива́н Я́ковлевич Били́бин] (1876-1942). 🇷🇺 Ivan Tsaryevich-Grey Wolf-Firebird, 1899." by Halloween HJB is marked with CC0 1.0

Hello! The Firebird is a figure in Slavic / Russian folklore, and there are many translations and versions of a story that features this character. Many of them also feature a character named Ivan, and the famous ballet retelling of it includes the evil sorcerer Koschei as the antagonist who has captured thirteen princesses, and the Firebird helps Ivan free them by defeating Koschei.

I am not an expert on all versions, but I read a novel retelling of the story, Firebird by Mercedes Lackey, many years back and the version of the story she draws on has Ivan (in her story, called Ilya) as a maligned youngest brother of many brothers who are all bullies to him for his interactions with the Firebird, before he sets off on the adventure that brings him to the realm of Koschei.

But if I were to guess, if SJM draws from any version it will be The Firebird ballet by Stravinsky. I will grab a few quotes from that Wikipedia page that summarize the ballet's story and bold the details that map to what we know about Vassa and Koschei, from Elain's seer visions and from Vassa’s own words about Koschei in ACOWAR:

The ballet centers on the journey of its hero, Prince Ivan. While hunting in the forest, he strays into the magical realm of the evil Koschei the Immortal, whose immortality is preserved by keeping his soul in a magic egg hidden in a casket. Ivan chases and captures the Firebird and is about to kill her; she begs for her life, and he spares her. As a token of thanks, she offers him an enchanted feather that he can use to summon her should he be in dire need.

Prince Ivan then meets thirteen princesses who are under the spell of Koschei and falls in love with one of them.

Then later:

Exhausted, the creatures and Koschei then fall into a deep sleep. While they sleep, the Firebird directs Ivan to a tree stump where the casket with the egg containing Koschei's soul is hidden. Ivan destroys the egg, and with the spell broken and Koschei dead, the magical creatures that Koschei held captive are freed and the palace disappears. All of the "real" beings, including the princesses, awaken ...

I don't believe SJM will do a literal retelling but instead, similar to what she did with Beauty and the Beast and the legend of Tam Lin in ACOTAR (the first book), draw on elements from the source material but combine it with her own world building to tell us a new version. The only players I feel sure would play a role in a retelling of this in the ACOTAR universe are Lucien (Ivan/Ilya), Vassa (the Firebird), and Koschei (Koschei). 

More thoughts after the break that contain ACOSF SPOILERS about my ideas for what could happen in future books, given the above lore I think SJM is drawing on.

What I would LOVE is, if Lucien goes on an adventure to Koschei's lake on the continent to face Koschei in order to free Vassa, that Elain would join him, perhaps from two motivations: 

1) To offer her seer powers in aid of this mission that would track back to the wider plot conflict already set up, with the remaining human queens, Fae wanting to land grab in the human realms (e.g., Beron), the Trove, and of course, Koschei; and, 2) Perhaps, as a way to finally face her mating bond with Lucien, not necessarily to accept it immediately, but if they travel together to help the wider conflict, they could test the bond together and see if this is something they both want to choose or not (and Lucien would absolutely go for this because, even though the chance of a rejection lays at the end of the journey, he wants to figure this out as much as she does)....then cue an Elucien love story that is layered into the Firebird retelling ☺️

And yes, I just showed my Elucien cards, but this theory of how their book could go technically allows for either outcome. But whether Elain is involved as I am speculating here, or less so, I honestly believe Lucien will be the one to travel to the continent to face Koschei to free Vassa from her curse, and free the other girls Koschei has trapped in the process. 

This single line in ACOSF, ch. 7, bolded at the end of the political discussion about Koschei, is SJM telling us almost as literally as she can from the middle of the narrative, that this is what is coming, and I adore SJM for putting this in there, easing my Lucien, Firebird-loving heart that my hopes for this plotline are well founded:

“Certainly.” Vassa peered at her hands, fingers flexing. “I fear what may happen if he ever gets free of the lake. If he sees this world on the cusp of disaster and knows he could strike, and strike hard, and make himself its master. As he once tried to do, long ago.”

“Those are legends that predate our courts,” Eris said.

Vassa nodded. “It is all I have gleaned from my time enslaved to him.”

Lucien stared out the window—as if he could see the lake across a sea and a continent. As if he were setting his target.

I always hoped this would be the next full length novel after Nessian's, but now I'm thinking it might be the last one because it would end with Koschei's demise, and he seems to be the big baddie for this trio of novels, of which ACOSF was the first. 

Plus the Az POV bonus chapter makes me think SJM is setting us up for him being a main character in the next book, which makes me think we're finally going to get the Az / Mor situation resolved, and that they both find partners (in Gwyn and Emerie 👀 showing more ship cards, sorry not sorry!) once they talk out 500 years of tension and pain. 

So the Firebird retelling may get punted one more book, which in my head means Elain's story is held off for another book as well... though Elriel shippers might see her playing a main role in an Az novel, and thus the debates continue until we know more ☺️ (she says cheerfully - no anti hate here please!).

I hope this answers your question about the Firebird fairytale and how I see it playing a role in a future book! Apologies for also weaving in my ship theories and predictions. ☺️ But IMO Lucien freeing Vassa from Koschei does not depend on any ship being endgame, and I am ready for SJM's creativity to shine as she (hopefully!) retells this story for us!

[qqueenofhades]

For the spooky prompts, "Violent Thunderstorms" for Fivan perhaps? 😳

Anonymous asked: Heyyy 2 Vampire for fivan (how to ask for the chapter 2 witout asking for chap 2)

Anonymous asked: Fivan and #2 🧛‍♂️🧛‍♂️

Very well, I see what the people want, and that is a sequel to this one-shot. I have thus combined these prompts for reasons.

Fedyor spends the next fortnight attempting – with notably indifferent success – not to think about Ivan Sakharov. The Conclave was less than pleased to hear that Fedyor came back empty-handed, having not even secured a promise for Ivan and the rest of the Black Hand to leave off their mischief-making, and in fact has empowered them in their belief that there is nothing the law can do to them. Considering the earful that Fedyor got on that accord, he saw nothing to be gained from mentioning that not only did Ivan blow him off completely, he did it after he had fed on him. It’s entirely possible that Ivan accessed sensitive thoughts, memories, or plans, any scrap of useful intelligence that Fedyor did not carefully hide away in his mind before that too-distracting bite. In short, he has comprehensively botched the entire situation, the Conclave is well within their rights to be very angry with him, and to demonstrate the extent of their displeasure, they have temporarily revoked Fedyor’s right to enter their territory and feed on their drones – willing humans kept for the purpose, who are hoping to be selected for the transformation in exchange for their service. That means if Fedyor wants to eat, he has to go out and hunt an animal, or bamboozle and beguile an unwitting passerby to let him chomp on their neck. Truly, being a vampire can be such a terrible drag.

Fedyor figures that if he keeps his head down, meekly accepts his punishment, and doesn’t make any trouble, the Conclave will get over their anger and reinstate him sooner rather than later. It’s not like he has many other options. If he wants to stay in Belgrade, he will remain in their good graces, and he has no desire to get mixed up with the Black Hand. The rumor is that they were founded by the Black Heretic himself, who has remained out of sight for many decades but is now said to be active again, and the Black Heretic is the scion of the Conclave’s greatest enemy, the vampire that all other vampires fear. Absolutely no good can come of throwing one’s lot in with that crowd, and Fedyor wonders if he is going to have to find a new home. If a stupid supernatural war blows up this city, he’s out.

Most of the fortnight passes without incident, but the flaw in the plan is the unfortunate fact that Fedyor is very hungry. He’s still a young enough vampire that he can’t go two weeks without feeding, and he really hates the messy business of corralling an unwitting human. Besides, the Conclave’s headquarters and chief place of business are on Knez Mihailova Ulica, the most fashionable downtown district right in the middle of Belgrade, and what with Fedyor’s current banishment from the premises, he can’t go there anyway. Hunting it has to be.

Fedyor waits until it is dark, a soft summer rain pattering on the steep-roofed eaves and glowing streetlamps, and then, having changed into clothing more suitable for getting a lot of bloodstains, he slips out. He moves silently in the shadows, past the well-dressed gentlemen and evening-gowned ladies out at the ball or the opera or the latest society supper-party, and escapes the precincts of Belgrade proper for the low green hills that surround it. This is on the Sava side of the river confluence, to the west, and once Fedyor is out of the city, the trees close in thickly. They are only broken by the occasional tiny village: small churches with square steeples and double-branched Orthodox crosses, red-tiled cottages crowded together along narrow dirt lanes, a lantern burning here and there to keep the monsters away. Fedyor can hear human voices, sense the shadows of people moving around behind the shutters, and it gives him a pang. No wonder he is clinging so closely to the prospect of timely reinstatement to the Conclave. Without them, he would truly be entirely alone.

The rain starts to come down harder as Fedyor climbs through the thick green underbrush, and by the time he reaches the top of the hill, it is slicing into his face with a vehemence that even a vampire finds intensely disagreeable. Squinting and swearing under his breath, Fedyor shields his eyes and takes a deep whiff, searching for the scent of a prey animal. He could always hop a fence and grab a cow, but cows can kick surprisingly hard, a poor farmer doesn’t need the hassle of his one beast of burden keeling over, and maybe it is just the city-boy aesthete in Fedyor, but crouching in a muddy farmyard, doing your damndest not to get murdered by a large and angry bovine while you valiantly attempt to suck its blood, is just fucking terrible. There’s nothing to recommend it. Now that he’s out of the fledgling bloodlust, Fedyor has no intention of ever going back.

Thunder booms overhead, making him jump, and a jagged spear of lightning sears the horizon from sky to ground. A tree not that far away lights up in blinding white, and a scorched scent of ozone drifts through the pounding rain. Fedyor flinches, as he has no desire to be set on fire, and decides that either he raids a farm or he heads back home and waits for better weather. But he can catch another scent just ahead, and he’s hungry enough to risk it. He breaks into a run, almost loses his footing, dodges around an enormous dripping tree, and spots a thin crescent of lights high on the bluff ahead. Wait, is that a house? Some Serbian royal bureaucrat’s elegant country retreat, or – something else? Fedyor doesn’t recall that he has seen it before, although he has not spent much time out here alone. That, or –

He has only a split second of warning, his supernatural senses screaming at him to get the fuck out of here right now, before he realizes two things at once: first, that the scent is very definitely hostile, and second, that something is dive-bombing directly toward him, on the strength of a ferocious leap that is remarkable even for a vampire. The next second, it – he – hits Fedyor like a ton of bricks, and they go crashing down the slope, kicking and thrashing and biting at each other in a flurry of blows too fast for a human eye to see. Another enormous clap of thunder rattles Fedyor’s fangs in his head, he slams down on his back hard enough to break his bones if he was human, and then, in the flash of the succeeding lightning bolt, his eyes confirm what his nose has already told him. Of all the stupid, stupid things, he appears to have unwittingly trespassed onto Black Hand territory and tried to hunt their game, and the angry supernatural soldier determined to beat the unholy tarnation out of him is therefore none other than the one and only –

“Stop!” Fedyor wheezes, although he has no idea why he expects it to make any difference. “It’s me! Fedyor Kaminsky! From Terazije!”

The rain stings his eyes hard enough to make him grimace, just as a third incandescent bolt of lightning rattles across the sky. From what Fedyor can see, which is not very much, Ivan looks almost as startled as he feels. They remain staring at each other, their faces barely an inch apart, Ivan’s fangs bared in a way that it is really not the time to find disturbingly attractive. Then Ivan springs off and barks, “What the fuck are you doing out here, Conclave whore?”

“Sorry.” Fedyor sits up. His dark hair is plastered to his head and getting in his eyes, there is mud all over his clothes, and even for an immortal who technically does not need to breathe, he is winded. Ivan, to nobody’s surprise, really packs a punch. “I was just… hungry.”

“You have your own arrangements.” Ivan eyes him suspiciously, arms folded, rainwater running down that magnificently disdainful Slavic nose as if from a statue in the public square. “If anyone besides me had caught you out here, you would be dead.”

Well, that is (not) encouraging. It does, however, point out the fact that Ivan has already had the chance to murder him and held back, and Fedyor is not about to speculate on why exactly that might be. It’s not a good idea, but he’s wet, hungry, has just had to unexpectedly fight like the dickens, and irritated at Ivan for being the one who got him into this mess in the first place. “The Conclave demanded that I return their visiting card,” he says shortly. “I’m not allowed to feed on their drones for some unspecified length of time – which is, I might add, entirely thanks to you.”

“What? Why is that my fault?”

“In case you’ve forgotten our last meeting,” Fedyor snaps, “it was at the Golden Cross, on the Lumière brothers’ film night. I relayed the Conclave’s warning to stop your illegal behavior and associations, and you completely ignored it. As a result – ”

“What, they cut off your feeding access?” Ivan interrupts. He looks utterly incredulous. “That’s charitable of them. A good way to build loyalty among your people. Besides, what the fuck did they expect? That you would walk up and ask me nicely, and that would solve it?”

He does, Fedyor has to loathingly admit, have a point. The best he can muster is, “The Conclave is accustomed to being obeyed.”

Ivan eyes him up, with an expression on his face as if that riposte is so pathetic, he isn’t going to dignify it with the effort of a reply. He is poised on edge, as if he doesn’t consider this matter to be entirely settled by the previous bout of violence, and Fedyor is equally tense. He very much does not want to scuffle with a Black Hand hardman who looks like that and fights like that, especially in the throes of encroaching frenzy, and the attendant loss of control. His fangs dig into his lower lip, seeking out the nearest blood – his own – and Fedyor clenches his fists. “Do you have an animal I can borrow?” he asks, as politely as he can. “I’ll – pay for it.”

Ivan surveys him up and down, dripping like an undead drowned rat and otherwise looking as miserable as Fedyor generally tries not to look (after all, presentation is everything). Then he jerks up an impatient fist. “Follow me.”

Fedyor is unsure what this might entail, but shamefully – whether it is due to his increasingly desperate hunger, or something else – he is not altogether opposed to it. He trails after Ivan, trying not to slip in the wet grass or fixate on Ivan’s scent; he will just get another smackdown for his trouble, like a horse flicking aside a fly, and he is not in the mood for it. After a climb of a few minutes, they reach the top of the hill and cross a deserted lawn to a manor house, scattered lights flickering in steep gables and pointed turrets. It is otherwise entirely dark, even to Fedyor’s vampire senses, as Ivan unlatches the heavy front door and drags it open with a screech. “In.”

Well aware that this is an even stupider idea than the polite request to knock it off – he is putting himself voluntarily in the power of a Black Hand operative, on enemy territory, where nobody knows where he is or what Ivan intends to do with him. If Fedyor’s drained corpse turns up floating in the Danube tomorrow, a warning to the Conclave never to interfere in their business again, he can’t say that he didn’t expect it. He hesitates at the threshold a moment longer, and then, given permission – it’s not essential, but it does help – steps inside.

The hall looks almost exactly as you would expect a secret vampire mansion to look: dusty suits of armor, glowering paintings, a sweeping grand staircase with a gothic balcony, and a chandelier which struggles to illuminate the cracked black-and-white chessboard flagstones. Still dripping, the thunder dulling to a muted rumble, Fedyor looks warily from side to side. There doesn’t seem to be anyone here except the two of them – or at least, he certainly hopes that there are no unwitting humans asleep upstairs. In the state that he’s in right now, he isn’t sure that he could control himself. Unless Ivan is trying to make some tiresome point about the inherent monstrosity of vampires, the sort that certain factions like to use in order to argue against the Conclave’s attempts to civilize them and make them follow human-like rules and laws. Fedyor hopes not, because that would be deeply irritating, but he’s so hungry that he’s about to bite his own wrist, and it would not be his finest hour.

However, Ivan does not lead them upstairs, but through a dim warren of corridors to a small, curtained study in the back of the house. Sullen embers glimmer in the hearth; vampires don’t need fires for heat, or to see by, but the human habit is hard to break, even if it’s one of the few things that can hurt them. Then Ivan shuts the door behind them and says crisply, “I’ll make you a deal. Give me useful information on the Conclave, and I will let you feed.”

“What?” Fedyor gapes at him. That was clearly a starvation-induced hallucination. “On – on you?”

“No,” Ivan snaps. “On the davenport, you idiot. Yes, obviously on me. Or I can throw you out and send you to try your luck in the nearest village. Yes or no?”

Fedyor continues to gape at him. Obviously he does not want to go and rip some screaming innocent villager out of their bed, like the very worst of the strigoi horror stories, but he is not in a hurry to jeopardize his ticket back to the Conclave’s good graces by informing on them to Ivan bloody Sakharov. (Indeed, literally.) Did Ivan make that offer because he knows that Fedyor wants it, and remembers how much of a reaction Fedyor had to Ivan feeding on him back at the Golden Cross? It was impossible to hide it entirely, blast him, and Ivan is too canny not to take advantage of an adversary’s weakness. He’s caught Fedyor dead to rights, trespassing on Black Hand territory, and as he himself said, Fedyor is lucky to escape with his skin. It’s Ivan’s right to exploit that fact, nothing more. If Fedyor refuses, what in the hell is he going to do?

“I don’t know,” he stalls. “I’m not sure that I can – ”

Ivan shrugs, then lifts his own wrist to his mouth and bites the back of it. Slow, rich, dark blood beads up, and he wafts it temptingly in Fedyor’s direction. “So, you don’t want this, then?”

Yes, Fedyor wants it. Fedyor, in fact, wants a few other things while he’s at it, and there is no way that Ivan, with hearing and senses and smell as acute as his own, doesn’t know it. He takes a step forward, but Ivan dances aside. “Information first,” he orders. “Then you may have your reward. Come now, Conclave whore. Why is it any different from last time?”

“Don’t call me that.” Fedyor is seeing red – which, at this point, could be due to just about anything. “I have a name, remember? Fedyor – Mikhailovich – Kaminsky.”

He stumbles a little over the patronymic, as it is an ongoing debate whether proper etiquette for Slavic vampires entails the use of the birth father’s name, or that of the vampire sire. Opinion generally comes down on the side of the latter, since it represents proper respect for one’s new immortal status and supernatural bloodline; you’re supposed to let go of your human family, since pining to go back complicates the already-difficult adjustment period and is impossible anyway. But since Fedyor isn’t entirely reconciled to it, and tries to hold onto his humanity, he tends to introduce himself as Fedyor Mikhailovich, not Fedyor Dmitrievich, and the flicker in Ivan’s eyes means that he has taken note of that struggle. Then he shrugs, crooking a taunting finger at him. “Fine then, Fedyor Mikhailovich. It is your choice.”

“What do you – ” Fedyor is having trouble seeing straight. “Want to know?”

“Anything that might be useful.” If he is worried about being shut in a small room with another vampire on the verge of total frenzy, Ivan doesn’t show it. Indeed, in this paramount confidence and command, Fedyor realizes that Ivan is much older than he initially thought. He took him for one of Catherine the Great’s courtiers, from the late eighteenth century or so, but the well-worn shadow of violence that sits on Ivan’s shoulders is of considerably longer use than that. It’s something else to puzzle out when Fedyor regains the use of his higher critical faculties, which is definitely not the case at the moment. “That is, if you can bring yourself to actually – ”

At that moment, he is cut off as Fedyor, deciding that two can play this game and he is tired of being jerked around by this arrogant bastard, lunges at him. Ivan jumps six feet straight up, hissing, and they end up somewhere in the vicinity of the ceiling, only to crash back down to the floor. Even vampires are not immune to the laws of gravity, and they roll around in a second deeply undignified flurry of kicking and biting, as Fedyor finally gets hold of Ivan’s wrists and tries to get his mouth as close as possible to that maddeningly enticing trickle. Then, for a crucial instant, he hesitates. He is very far gone, but there’s enough of his brain left to remember that feeding without permission is regarded quite dimly, and he is trying to prove that he is not a total savage. He gulps and gasps, fangs cutting into his lip, struggling and thrashing, not even able to properly articulate his request, as Ivan still looks – bafflingly – as if he is rather enjoying this. Then he smirks and says, “Very well, Fedyor Mikhailovich. Take it if you can.”

Now that is a challenge, and while it would be very enjoyable to throw it back in Ivan’s face in another fashion, Fedyor has only one concern at the moment. He presses his mouth to Ivan’s wrist, sinks his fangs, and sucks and licks like a man dying of thirst in the desert. Ivan utters a contented purring sound, his head falling back on the carpet, and certainly does not bother to keep struggling while Fedyor is otherwise occupied. Silence falls across the drawing room, except for the soft sounds of Fedyor feeding. He is half on top of Ivan, between his legs, and Ivan does not appear to be objecting in the least. Well. That was… unexpected.

When Fedyor has drunk enough to feel sane again, he pulls back with a jerk, remembers where he is, and fights the wash of embarrassment that floods through him. He wipes his mouth with the cuff of his shirt, then bends down and licks the bite wound closed, which is common vampire practice even if Ivan failed to do it with him. (After all, some supernaturals have manners.) Then they look at each other, and Fedyor doesn’t think it’s his imagination that Ivan’s breath is coming short, a flush visible in his pale cheeks, an enjoyment bearing a remarkable resemblance to Fedyor’s own. The silence persists a moment longer. Then Ivan groans, his legs sprawl further apart, and he orders, doing his utmost to sound gruff and commanding, “You will give me information on the Conclave now, yes?”

It is extremely tempting to tell him to take a long walk off a short pier, to pay him back for that underhanded trick at the Golden Cross, but that requires more command of his verbal processes than Fedyor currently possesses – or indeed, expects to possess in the near-to-medium future. He leans down instead, his nose brushing the hollow of Ivan’s cheek and his mouth ghosting against Ivan’s neck, his fangs tracing the line of the vein as if he might bite there too. Ivan’s hips buck, and his big hands settle heavily on the small of Fedyor’s back. “You know,” he murmurs, his voice a low, rough rasp in his throat. “You are wasted on those idiots.”

“Mmm.” Fedyor nips Ivan’s lower lip, with just a hint of fang. Then – although it’s the most difficult thing he has had to do in his life or his afterlife – he rolls off and gets to his feet, leaving the fearsome Black Hand anarchist vampire flat on his back on the drawing room floor. “It has,” he says, “been a lovely evening. But I will be taking my leave now. Good night.”

And with that, in the somewhat shameful epitome of quitting while he is ahead, but wanting to make absolutely sure that the point has been felt, Fedyor turns around and books it. He doesn’t dare to look back as he bursts out of the dark house, pelts across the lawn, and skids down the hill, in the thick and slippery knots of mud and moss. He doesn’t slow down until he spies the lights of Belgrade, and in a few minutes more, he’s thundering into his flat, clothes disheveled and hair a mess and mouth and head and heart still full of the taste and smell and feel of Ivan Sakharov. It’s intoxicating. It’s unbearable. But it can only be once. It will be only once.

The Conclave, Fedyor reminds himself. You’re doing this to get back to them, and you managed to get out of there without saying anything. They’ll appreciate it. They will. And it’s what you want. Keep your head down and don’t do anything else stupid, and it will work.

It’s what he wants.

It’s what he wants.

It’s what he –

Ah, fuck.

[drunkserval]

A Fresh Canvas: Incomplete Preview

Quite some time ago I did a silly little thread on Twitter, and I’ve always wanted to take that and actually make something out of it. Well it was a little harder than expected, but it’s coming along!

When I have the entire thing done I will be uploading it to AO3, but for now it seemed seasonally appropriate to at least drop this.

I wanted to have this posted yesterday but festivities kept me busier than expected! Story is below the cut. Keep in mind that this is still technically a rough draft, and will receive its final beta pass before the full story hits AO3.

(Tentative) Title: A Fresh Canvas Fandom: Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System by MXTX Rating: G, No Warnings Apply Summary: Shen Jiu and Shen Yuan are neighbors in the same modern apartment complex who, despite looking similar enough to be mistaken for each other, couldn’t be any more different. Or so they think.

----------------

Shen Jiu and Shen Yuan were neighbors in the same apartment complex. They lived on the same floor, in the same hall, and were often mistaken for one another due to this proximity combined with how similar their appearances were.

But there were key differences, as both would readily point out to their neighbors. Shen Jiu’s hair hung shy of his shoulders while Shen Yuan’s was shorter and lighter in tone. 

And still the mix-ups kept happening, particularly if they were at some distance or facing away. The misunderstanding would very rarely last past the first glance since Shen Jiu would snap and take immediate offense, and Shen Yuan would just sigh and say, "Sorry, wrong one."

Shen Yuan had no idea why Shen Jiu got so offended over it. Surely he didn’t look that bad, come on!

The neighbors eventually started learning to look at the clothes first--or to at least look for Shen Yuan’s thick-rimmed glasses. 

Both men carried and dressed themselves so differently. Shen Yuan dressed in hoodies and jeans--well, if he was planning on going any further than the mailbox, that was. Otherwise why bother changing out of pajamas or sweatpants?

On the other hand, Shen Jiu didn’t touch anything that wasn’t from a known designer. 

Shen Jiu spent proudly--and why shouldn’t he? Because he at least earned his money!

That Shen Yuan kid down the hall? Rumor was that his parents were paying his rent and he'd never had a real job in his life.

But because he never went out, Shen Yuan was one of the only people still hanging around the apartment complex when Shen Jiu went around knocking during a major holiday. 

In Shen Jiu’s arms was a box containing two fluffy black pups.

Shen Yuan’s eyes widened at the sight of them and he completely forgot to greet his neighbor until Shen Jiu cleared his throat. The dogs were like little storm clouds with feet and stubby tails, staring back at him with big black eyes. One started wagging its tail with such vigor that its whole back end wiggled about.

It took Shen Jiu a moment to find his voice as he followed, such was the state that his neighbor had chosen to answer the door in. Hideous cucumber-print pajama pants, a tacky anime shirt covered in snack crumbs, and unkempt hair had greeted him. But the continuous movement of the box in his arms reminded him of his mission. 

“I found... ” Shen Jiu shifted the box in indication as Shen Yuan shut the door behind them, “these, out by the garbage.”

Shen Yuan blinked as the other passed by him, “Have you tried calling any nearby shelters?”

“Of course I have,” Shen Jiu scoffed at the implication that he was so simple. “You try getting a real person on the phone today, though. It’s impossible. I could only leave messages.”

Shen Yuan put a finger to his lips, “Oh, right. Today is…” Glancing at a wall calendar almost as ugly as his shirt he nodded, “Right. Right.”

Did this kid ever so much as leave the building? Shen Jiu was starting to wonder. Shen Yuan dressed like he’d just rolled out of bed in the latter part of the daytime. And he hadn’t realized it was a major holiday. And then there were the countless odorous takeout boxes covering every available surface in his apartment.

Shen Jiu wrinkled his nose but still asked in spite of his rapidly growing doubts, “You don’t know anyone who can take these little mutts in for a day or two, do you?”

Shen Yuan shook his head and heard Shen Jiu sigh. His neighbor set the box down to give his arms a rest… but Shen Yuan couldn’t seem to rip his attention away from one of the pups. It hadn’t stopped staring at him, or shaking its fluffy little behind, for a moment.

“What if we take them in?”

Shen Jiu’s tone was flat, “What.”

Shen Yuan picked up the excited little pup and it immediately started wiggling in his grasp. Not struggling, however--just trying to get closer to his face, paws waving in the air and its little pink tongue darting out to reach for him even though it was still well outside of range. He had to fight back the urge to laugh at the silly little storm cloud. 

“The building allows us to have one animal per unit, right?” Shen Yuan shrugged, “so what if we each took one, even just long enough to find them new homes?”

Shen Jiu frowned. Taking in a dog, or really any animal, had never been on his agenda. He liked his nice clean apartment and intact furniture unlike a certain someone. Plus he was more partial to cats. He moved his gaze from the overexcited animal back to the box. Though the pups looked identical on the surface this one was clearly the calmer one. It looked up at his scowling face but put forth no such ridiculous display… thank goodness.

Who knew? Maybe Shen Yuan’s idea wasn’t so bad. And if it was, it was only a temporary arrangement, in the end. He might be able to get rid of the animal as soon as tomorrow if it was truly intolerable.

Tentatively, Shen Jiu reached out to pick up the dog…

And felt tiny teeth close around his fingers.

Jerking his hand backwards, Shen Jiu sneered down at the animal. “What, you ungrateful little beast!” 

Shen Yuan finally stopped cooing at his own pup to look over and said, “Maybe he doesn’t like your cologne?”

“And what’s wrong with my cologne?” Shen Jiu snapped, voice raising.

Stepping back, “Nothing, nothing!”

“It was a gift, you know!”

Shen Yuan barely avoided tripping over a haphazard stack of game cases as he kept moving away. “P-perhaps it’s just too strong for a dog’s nose, that’s all!”

This time Shen Jiu moved quickly, snatching up the dog by its middle before it could get its ridiculously tiny muzzle around anything, and he stared directly into the animal’s eyes.

“Do that again, and I’ll put you back out in the cold where I found you. Understood?”

The dog stared back at him, placid and indifferent… until its tongue darted out and licked the end of his nose.

“...good enough.”

----------------------

It was a few days before the two of them crossed paths again. 

It’d seem they both had decided to keep their newfound pets and they were both out that day to take the dogs for walks.

The air in the park was warm, so they sat themselves on a bench to enjoy it for a bit longer and soak up some of the sunlight that was so rare that time of year. Shen Jiu’s pup sat like a sentry at his feet while Shen Yuan’s pup curled up on his lap the moment he sat down. 

It was through the ensuing conversation they realized they both gave their dog the same name by sheer coincidence.

One was too lazy and the other was too stubborn, so neither changed it. At least they’d bought different-colored collars. But this brought to light a new revelation, and Shen Yuan just had to ask…

“How did you come up with it?”

“It was just the first thing to come to mind,” Shen Jiu had explained, “from something I’ve been reading, probably.”

"Wait, you read that too!?"

As he suspected! That name was from one of the top-rated web novels that year, from its stallion protagonist: Luo Binghe!

Shen Yuan couldn’t imagine someone as outwardly prim as Shen Jiu reading trashy webnovels, but it turned out to be true. It was just a quick, easy way for him to kill a few minutes of downtime at work, Shen Jiu reasoned in his defense.

Whenever they met up from that point forward, Shen Yuan talked his ear off about his various grievances with Proud Immortal Demon Way.

‘Villains that dig their own graves but don’t bother finishing! Women that lead the protagonist on a three-chapter long subplot just to get to their lewd scenes, only to never see them again! And every single character lost all of their intelligence when the protagonist came around!’ 

And yet he had nothing but praise for said protagonist… almost excessive praise. 

Shen Jiu is annoyed at first but he starts enjoying the company. Which is good because the dog turns out to be a menace.

Well, both dogs could be counted as menaces, just in different ways.

Bing-mei (as they come to call him) would start whining so pitifully when Shen Yuan shut the door between them, thus he often just gave up and took the dog with him whenever it was feasible.

Bing-ge, on the other hand, broke his toys within days, climbed around on furniture he wasn’t allowed on--sometimes when Shen Jiu was looking right at him, too--he barked, he scratched furniture, he tore up pillows.

Despite all the trouble he was causing for his master, Shen Jiu would no longer entertain the idea of giving him up. Not after Bing-ge tore up three separate muggers on three separate occasions and growled at the person who kept taking his parking space until it never happened again.

But the biggest takeaway from their conversations, for Shen Jiu, wasn’t webnovels or dogs. It made him start to realize how lonely he'd been. 

The only other person he really spoke to was halfway around the world for their work and they only spoke a couple of times a month. Now that Shen Yuan was around, Shen Jiu actually started to have things to look forward to besides the monotony of work--knocks on the door, long walks with the dogs, the occasional cup of tea afterward on colder days...

Shen Jiu was never the sort to be up-front with his feelings, so he found a way to show his gratitude by helping Shen Yuan with his confidence issues. He started encouraging him to go out more, and to put a little more effort into his looks when he did. This morphed into helping clean up his squalid apartment since Shen Jiu could barely stand to look at it when he came over. 

Months later, Shen Jiu’s recommendation had helped Shen Yuan to land an entry-level job. That, and a steady habit of going out once a week, gave them something else to do and talk about.

Progress was slow, but visible. Shen Yuan seemed a little less awkward in public with each passing week.

One night they were leaning on Shen Yuan’s balcony. It was a night of celebration, for he’d just earned his very first promotion, and Shen Jiu had brought over wine for the occasion.

He found himself leaning closer to Shen Jiu, telling himself it was just to get a better look at him in the dim light of the city night. His focus wasn’t the best even when he was sober after all. Yet Shen Yuan didn’t stop. And when Shen Jiu turned to look at him in confusion, and their lips met, he didn’t withdraw for several seconds.

Neither did Shen Jiu.

Shen Yuan tried to flee as soon as he realized what he’d done only for Shen Jiu to pull him back saying:

"Don't run, take responsibility. We talked about this."

[kazeofthemagun]

Kaze - Character Tropes

[A thing I compiled for fun for my portrayal of Kaze and all my headcanons. There is so much stuff on TVTropes that I may keep adding as I go. He does have a page on it but it's lackluster for my taste XD but here it is.]

[Putting all this crap under a read more cuz that is long.]

Purpose-Driven Immortality / Regenerative Immortality - as long as the prophecy holds and Chaos still exists, Kaze cannot die. When his body is killed, he comes back through regeneration, centered on the Magun.

Soul Jar - the Magun, specifically, his heart that had been transplanted into it and bound him to the Gun Dragon sealed in the Demon Weapon. The vial is warded by very potent magic - supposedly, only another Unlimited has the power to break it.

Touched by Vorlons - granted immortality by Bahamut, the Gun Dragon, upon being accepted as Magun's prophecized perfect wielder - Unlimited.

Cybernetic Mythical Beast - the Gun Dragon and how he came to be - made from the slain Bahamut's corpse and infused with tech, animated by his still-living soul. As such, all Summon Spirits that come from the Gun Dragon and his Magun are also biomechanical in nature.

Dracolich - Gun Dragon is technically undead, while also reinforced with machinery to create a "perfect Weapon". He's forged from parts of his own corpse, bones showing through such as the arms, legs, exposed spine.

Draconic Abomination - Gun Dragon.

Dragons are Divine - Gun Dragon as the Windarian God of Destruction - the title gets passed on to Kaze as his chosen and vessel. Also War God.

BFG - Magun is fucking massive.

Bling-Bling-Bang! - Magun seems to be made of gold, but is really composed of an unidentified alien metal. Shiny tho.

He Who Hunts Monsters - fanatical levels of obsession with hunting everything Chaotic. (His title of choice being literally the Hunter of Chaos, Hunter for friends.) Definitely partially a personal vendetta - his whole world was devoured and his own mind was ripped nigh to shreds - but also a purpose felt strongly through the connection with Magun/Gun Dragon, a Demon Weapon forged specifically to combat Chaos that activates only at its scent, pre-repaired verse. Almost leads to a Van Helsing Hate Crime against Ai and Yu - luckily, Kaze is not that merciless and spares the kids for wanting to live as humans and not demons. All in all, Kaze/Gun Dragon are a cosmic force that opposes Chaos till the end of time. Also Married To The Job.

Collateral Damage - piss him off and you're gonna go. Alongside everything in approximately a 5 mile radius of where you're standing. (Thankfully he learns more restraint with time, attempting to minimize casualties where possible. Still, if ending Chaos requires sacrifices.. so be it.) Probably also Inferred Holo//caust in FFU. He had blown up huge chunks of land to end his foes. Likely killed people or at least animals :/

The Stoic - His personality archetype.

Weak to Magic - Blue Elenium, a special type of water magic that corrupts Soil. As an extension, Kaze is harmed more by water magic in general, seeing as the energy messes with Soil flow.

Trauma Button - having his hand held/touched suddenly. It brings painful memories of his sister, Aura, who died holding his hand. Under Chaos' influence, it was one of the only memories Kaze still had of her, rendering the trigger particularly intense and sending him into dissociative episodes. Furthermore, a fear of Gaudian flowers - the blue phantom flowers that herald the arrival of Chaos. Suffers from visions and nightmares of a very gory nature that involve said flowers.

Shell-Shocked Veteran - of the War with Chaos.

Loners are Freaks - he is an introvert born to a society that abhors weakness as disgraceful and sinful. Has trouble connecting with people - but he also (mostly) doesn't need to. Due to the nature of his quest, accepts his fate as the one who will never fit in anymore. "I am the monster who hunts monsters so that you may sleep at night human. It is a thankless job."

Beware the Quiet Ones - his silence precedes a storm. When he speaks, his words boom as thunder - be they a roar or a whisper. This man wastes no words.

Aloof Ally - self-explanatory.

Tranquil Fury - most of the time. Also, Rage Breaking Point applies when facing Kumo mid-show. Except Kumo promptly wrecks him, without much effort involved. It is only later (After-series) that Kaze recovers most of his power and sanity, and gains equal footing to his rival.

Firing One-Handed - can only do so this way. Only has one hand 99% of the time, the other is bound to the Magun and is reformed only to fire it.

Guns vs Swords - him and Kumo - Demon Gunman vs Demon Swordsman. Gun Dragon vs Sword Dragons.

Hand Cannon - Magun, to a lesser degree Orthrus.

I call it "Vera" - with Orthrus, named after the patron shepherd dog spirit of the sun's blood-haired children.

Improbable Aiming Skills - especially with the Gun Demon sight.

Overheating - the Magun when too many summonings are performed too quickly. As an extension of it, Kaze himself. May result in a death via Spontaneous Human Combustion.

Sawed-off Shotgun - Orthrus, double barreled.

Sniper Pistol - Orthrus.

Trigger Happy - self-explanatory.

Ancestral Weapon - the Magun, passed down the line of the Windarian summoner prodigies.

Made of Indestructium - the Magun, which cannot be broken by anyone short of another Unlimited.

Living Weapon - the Magun. Also, Legendary Weapon.

Shapeshifter Weapon - the Magun, a part of Kaze's body - gauntlet, windmill, gun. Replaces his right arm.

Only the Chosen May Wield - the Magun.

They Call Him "Sword" - except, gun. Kaze views himself as more of a weapon than a person at times. Makes sense, considering he is one - his true body is the Magun, which houses his heart, binds his soul and consciousness, and serves as the core from which his regenerative immortalitysets to work.

Nemesis Weapon - Kaze's Magun to Kumo's Maken. While forged for the same purpose, they govern conflicting energies. Also, Sword vs Gun.

Weapon Wields You - the Magun to Kaze with its funky laser-guided teleportation, always going after Chaos. Oh, Chaos' signature is underneath the ocean? Too bad.

Equippable Ally - Kaze, after reducing himself to the Magun and having Kumo and Lisa wield him to bring out the Gun Dragon.

Human Weapon - Kaze, literally.

Become Your Weapon - Kaze with the Magun.

This is a Drill - the Magun's Soil engine that activates Soil through spiral motion. Combined with a wholeass windmill.

Spectacular Spinning - the Magun's windmill. Plainly put, Spin to Deflect Stuff. Also, Blow You Away applies due to the Tornado Move.

Deadly Rotary Fan - the Magun's windmill used offensively.

Swirling Dust - Soil Spiral on the winds generated by the Magun.

Transformation Is A Free Action - seems to be the case in the series. May not be the case always.

Mechanical Lifeforms - Gun Dragon and all its summons.

Badass Cape - of course.

When Things Spin, Science Happens - the Magun's spinning shenanigans empower Soil.

Stock Footage - the summonings. He is become budget, Destroyer of Chaos. Also Transformation Sequence. Guy has a routine.

Running Gag - his spontaneous appearances, seemingly from nowhere.

Emergency Transformation - soul reforged into a Soil bullet, summoning himself as the Gun Dragon.

Elemental Powers - all the summon spirits.

Soul Power - Soil.

Soul-Powered Engine - the Magun/Gun Dragon.

Merger of Souls - Kaze with all of Magun's leftover Soil, as well as Bahamut's soul that animates Gun Dragon. Also Many Spirits Inside Of One - Endless White as the confluence of all the colors.

Emphatic Weapon - the Magun has a mind of its own, considering it is a vessel for the Gun Dragon.

Shoot the Hostage Taker - with Soljashy. Goddammit, Lisa.

Theme Music Power Up - Demon Gun Dissolve and Demon Gun Shot.

Black Blood - Kaze's blood, corrupted by the Magun's smoke. His earring, made of his own red blood mixed with tree sap, is a reminder of when he was still fully human. Technically also Machine Blood - it serves as a coolant for Magun and catalyst for Soil. Furthermore, My Blood Runs Hot - whenever Magun malfunctions. May be dangerous, as already mentioned.

Important Haircut - Kaze wears his hair long specifically as a "fuck you" to Windarian folk beliefs related to the blood hair curse.

Dark-Skinned Redhead - self-explanatory.

Death Glare - his usual go-to method of communication.

Icy Blue Eyes - a cold stare.

Eyes Do Not Belong There - Gun Dragon, with four eyes on the chest and one on the belly in addition to the four already on its head, also, many other summons, such as Phoenix or Raiden.

Glowing Eyes of Doom - Kaze's special Gun Demon crosshairs eyes, for when the time comes to be particularly scary.

True Sight - Kaze is capable of seeing through most basic illusions due to an extremely sharp spirit sense. Can see certain types of ghosts. Also Supernatural Sensitivity.

Cool Shades - wears a dark lens over his left eye to minimize distraction via Orthtus' muzzle flash. Also, Sunglasses At Night.

Megane - lol.

Lean And Mean - also lol.

Jerkass - he is. Sometimes Jerk With A Heart Of Gold.

Facial Markings - the wave on his nose and the solar marks under his eye.

Power Tattoo - the Embrace (Gun Dragon's claws upon the shoulders.)

Fingerless Gloves - wears an archery glove that covers the pointing finger and thumb only.

Eccentric Artist - also outside of battle. Primarily a poet, draws sometimes.

Being Tortured Makes You Evil - by Chaos, after being possessed. Returned to being good-aligned after some time.

Brainwashed And Crazy - by Chaos, to obsessively hunt Kumo. Now recovered. Also Mind Rape.

Laser-Guided Amnesia - his memory loss and subsequent insane pursuit of Kumo mid-show.

Curse - according to his people's folklore, the unusual color of his hair.

Stress-Induced Mental Voices - happens a lot, bothin hallucinations and the Soil speaking.

Heroic Willpower - to stand strong against Chaos.

Dark and Troubled Past - everything about him. Everything. Also Born Unlucky - cursed from the start.

Sole Survivor - of Windaria's fall.

Last of His Kind - last Windarian.

Meaningful Name - Black Wind.

Rite Of Passage Name Change - from the nickname "Wolf" to his current name, as granted by his clan.

Driven to Madness - first somewhat by his pursuit of power, then more so by Chaos.

No Medication For Me - good luck getting him to medicate for his issues. Chances are it would not work anyway due to his altered nature.

There Are No Therapists - on Windaria.

Good Thing You Can Heal - gets injured or killed multiple times during his quest. Good thing he's immortal, right?

I Can Still Fight! - frequently, especially when Kumo is somehow involved.

Organ Dodge - his heart is no longer in his chest.

Wound That Will Not Heal - still feels a type of phantom pain where his heart once was - the surgery scar is the only scar that refuses to heal.

An Arm And A Leg - the Magun essentially removed his right arm below the elbow.

Arm Cannon - the Magun.

Artificial Limbs - the Magun, replacing Kaze's right arm.

Handicapped Badass - despite possessing only one hand (when Magun not thawed).

Don't You Dare Pity Me! - Kaze and most of the Wind Warriors' culture in general.

All Are Equal In Death - as Soil.

Anti-Hero - also Pragmatic Hero.

The Cynic - self-explanatory.

Badass Creed - “From the Glory of Death, for the Glory of Life.”

Battle Cry - “Soil is my power!” Also Catchphrase and Calling Your Attacks.

Pre-Asskicking One-Liner - sometimes. "What is the matter with the Magun? Why won't you use it?"

Giving Someone the Pointer Finger - “The Soil Charge Triad to use on you has been decided!”

Big Brother Instinct - around Aura.

Parental Abandonment - never knew his parents, grew up on the streets as an orphan.

Summon Magic - Soil-Adherents train in Soil summonings - the Magun allows Kaze control over all summons, except ones of Mist.

Summoning Ritual - the Soil Charge Triad.

Offscreen Teleportation - played for comedic value. Is actually Soil Spiral teleportation, though.

Forced Sleep - induced by Kumo, causing Kaze to slumber for twelve years. Sleep, bitch!

Mage Marksman - self-explanatory.

Warrior Poet - "The gilding of a blood indomitable... True Sanguine."

Religion is Magic - the Soil poetry is sacred to Windarian summoners.

Dark Messiah - as the Dark Unlimited, Hunter of Chaos.

Duelling Messiahs - him and Kumo, who fits the light end of the spectrum. But will Makenshi's purity serve him? Hmm...

In Love With Your Carnage - You can kill efficiently and potentially kick his ass? Hot. Also Power is Sexy.

Magitek - the Magun and all its summons.

Human Alien - Windarians, Kaze's species. Also Proud Warrior Race.

Martyrdom Culture - the Missionary caste Soil-martyring for the Adherents.

[vynnyal]

Throwing random thoughts, headcanons, and a variety of pasta at the wall (but only those having to do with vessels and/or their biology this time): The Thrilling Third Installment™

...aka pretending i can be dark and dramatic jskhdfd

Thk's larger form is not the standard, but the exception. Thk was cited as being "raised and trained to prime form", which people take to mean pk assisted in the vessel's natural growth. However, that conclusion leaves a lot of unanswered questions, most important of which being “then what about Ghost?” In short, I think that train of thought is backwards. Vessels can't grow- they are ageless, and immortal. We know this due to Ghost, despite living as long if not longer than thk, being completely unchanged over the years. The only thing pk trained into "prime form" was thk’s mind and fighting prowess. Their body... well, I think it was mutated. Most likely either directly by pk, or ordered by him- and with the shenanigans happening over in the sanctum, I wouldn't be surprised if Soul was involved, too. In any case, it was in no means natural. Vessels are corpses reanimated by void; neither corpses nor void tend to make drastic changes on their own all that often. Whether pk predicted the vessel’s “issues” and intended to manually “upgrade” them from the beginning, it's hard to say. But... yeah. Unless Ghost goes out of their way to make themselves grow- if its even possible, now that pk is gone- its fairly safe to say, they never will.

...with that in mind, we are promptly gonna ignore that for the rest of this post lmaooo

Grown-up vessels wouldn't look like thk; while they are described as being raised into "prime form"... prime form, to whom? Rather than looking like an idealized pk soldier, it sounds much more fitting that they’d have an entirely different, natural adult form. Consider: their cloaks being longer and fuller, perhaps filling out into something with a more practical use to their “species”. Better yet, they could even grow up to be more beast-like. Feral vessels, YEhaW

The black egg temple is cited as being "built to sustain [vessels]", yet it can't be their lifespan that is sustained. Rather, it seems the egg is specifically designed to keep the radiance from tearing thk apart, physically and/or mentally. Ngl its p obvious, but worth noting.

Sorta-au where Ghost’s shade has 8 eyes, and/or is generally all-around more cryptid-looking.

@ the sharpshadow charm and the strange, 6-eyed creature their shade turns into: kudos to this post, they bring up something super interesting- the creature not only resembles the Shade Lord, but the lord outright becomes it during the Embrace the Void cutscene.

makes me respect the ol’ civilization a whole lot more if a single charm can turn a baby shade into a baby lord.

The concept of finding ghosts unconscious body, laying next to a corpse, while they battle in their dreams. Alt: when ghost enters the dream realm, their shade leaves their shell... And protects their body from harm.

If steel soul mode is taken as canon, just how did ghost and the shade meet? Alt: Ghost may never have “met” it at all, as it technically doesn’t exist in that mode- instead, its more of a metaphor than an actual entity.

What the vessels looked like- or were supposed to look like- before the void. Alt: a story following a child, alive and untouched, that somehow managed to be spared. They could even have a gender. Alt alt: the void intentionally spared them for some purpose, or even out of simple kindness- or at least, something that resembles kindness.

Re: the shade inexplicably having a nail: all the vessel's swords are crafted from “will-bearing rock”- of which i’ve come to lovingly call living stone- and as such, are of void themselves. That's how the shade seems to conjure up its own copy; it merely shapes it, from the ground, using void. And, while more of a stretch, Ghost’s nail being some sort of living stone/pale ore alloy could explain just how Ghost can do seemingly pretty crazy things with an otherwise ordinary nail. Better, while 100% a baseless hc, its material might actually enable Ghost to build it up and modify it to suite their size as they grow older. finally, a logical reason adult Ghost has an adult-sized nail-claymore. hdsfghjfghdsjf

On that same thought: Ghost outright invented the "art" of manipulating- or creating- living stone to make their nail. ...gimme a sec. The other escaped vessels have nails, too, right? Either meaning they also discovered this ability... or that theres some legitimate ground for the “vessel gang” hc. Or, yanno, i’m reading too much into Ari’s sprites but sHHhh

How did all the vessels know to race to the top? They seemed to be falling merely because they had just been born and had literal, actual baby strength; yet not only did they inexplicably risk everything competing to the top, they somehow knew death was waiting if they lost. Alt: pk just, bringing a fucking megaphone and telling them like a sports announcer.

What if Ghost made it, and instead of falling, they managed to joined thk at the lip? What would pk do? Push them off the edge??? Or just adopt them both?? Oh fuck au where they're raised as twin sacrifices. Or worse yet, they’re raised unequally, and one is trained only as an afterthought. As a backup.

Alternatively, pk keeps all the vessels au, only a few years later when they're grown. Pk now has a literal army of pure knights. Radiance is fucked.

Hm. If vessels were fully coherent entities from the moment of birth, why was there a crib in the white palace? Did... did they use it? I have a feeling team cherry made that asset before the abyss scene lmaooo alt: they did, uh, use the crib. Cue a very awkward scene of thk, clearly not a normal baby, staring at wl with like... idk, the poofy baby hat and pacifier. I can’t tell if the image is more funny or more sad rn shdfgfjsdgg

The og notes that inspired this post, in case my rambling makes more sense (and w/o the awful comic hjsfgjsdfhj): Oh oh OH i GET it now. The void is all about "will" and whatnot, right? And shades are "fragments of a lingering will"- will, like the one you leave after your death, but instead of inheritance its the vessels' desires...last regrets.... DAMN team cherry, that symbolism is clever as heck. That took me a while. Kinda funny how a will is, technically, a person's last regrets Like I knew they were last regrets but I didn't understand WHY. Duh, it's because they're literally Made Of Will. They are the vessel's "wills". I'm so stupid.

Ghost, walking thru the abyss, getting increasingly fed up / freaked out, ducking into a crack in the wall. They follow the crack into the Scream Chamber, pause, then exhale in relief that this was EXACTLY what they needed.

Ghost's shade rolling up its void-sleeves like “fuck it, ima defeat thk myself”

Why was thk's sword there? Was its pedestal decayed? Did it fall from their body? Was it place there as an afterthought, or hurriedly? alt: taking thk's sword before freeing them, but doing the mom thing like you're grounding them hdhfjchjch

I can’t believe it just occured to me now, but... as objectivley stupid as the vessel’s test was, Ghost... technically came in second place. What if that whole scene was a metaphor? Because really, it’s just too silly to take seriously. To do so isn’t too far fetched, either; many other elements in the game’s story are better taken as symbolic or metaphorical, anyways. Take the PoP cutscene- while it could’ve been a literal moment, where they just happened to find themselves standing around and took the moment to appreciate each other... imo it makes much more sense to read it as the concept of their faint ~forbidden love~ and parental pride itself. Or, better yet, the scene at the end of the 4th pantheon. Sorry, but I severely doubt that was an actual event. What I’m trying to get at is the significance of “second place” in the cutscene. My brain is too fried to chase down any other possible connections to this theme rn (if thats even what the theme is), but even without proof, the theory smooths out a few interesting tidbits related to just how Ghost could tough it out when all others failed. All except for #1, anyway. Either way I’m just happy to take this as an excuse to pretend that cutscene didn’t literally happen because like, l m a o

The story of a small group of vessels as they work together to escape hallownest. (aka the aforementioned vessel gang hc... im sure theres a more formal name but you get the idea). Its impossible to tell how long it took them to discover that near-invisible hole, the last exit remaining after the king ordered the abyss to be sealed up. Once they did, however, the remaining vessels were quick to make a desperate scramble to escape- only for the entrance to suddenly crumble shut, far, far too soon. The remaining 8 slowly made their way through deepnest, their numbers quickly dwindling as the jouney started to take its toll. The group was nearly wiped out by those terrible, spiney-legged creatures that used their own kinship against them. Only three finally escaped the deep, yet only two made it through the basin- the third, largest sibling, left to fight alone againt a hopeless battle, just to buy the others time. It was in greenpath, so close yet so far to their goal, that the second succumbed to the infection. It was a mercy killing, that nail through the heart. The last, after all of that, finally made their way to the very precipice of howling cliffs, hesitating for just a moment to gaze out upon the still-fresh ruins of hallownest. But only for a moment, before Ghost jumps down to begin their journey beyond this wretched place.

A vessel running from its shade as it tirelessly pursues them, the vessel refusing to put it to rest.

tw: suicide, + personal on main

Ugh ugh ugh ugh Either thk was fully conscious and in terrible pain for all those years... or they couldn’t feel anything at all. The former is horrible, but imagining thk waking up, chained, unable to do anything but wait for Ghost to heed their call? Did they turn their nail on themselves to help Ghost, end the pain, or some awful mix of both? For someone who has personally dealt with close friends and family that struggled with suicide themselves, hollowknight is one of the worst horror stories I've ever seen. And the fact that the story is so personal, so open to interpretation? The fact that each character is so genuine yet vague enough to be read completely differently to someone else’s biases? Its why hollow knight- the game, and the character- will forever be one of the most powerful stories to me.

in short, good LORD THIS GAME IS SO FUCKING SAD

[thebloodydame]

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐄𝐍 & 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐓: 𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑡𝑤𝑜

𝐒𝐦𝐚𝐥 𝐈𝐧𝐟𝐨: Maria finds herself starting to get used to the company of the white beast, even though he is still a little unsociable to her.

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬: Maria Lilith Bellona, Theodore Van Atalenta ( The Beast ), Adrian The Butler, Lord Lysander. Edmund The Knight.

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: None

𝐅𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐦: The Lady and The Beast & Pokémon

Maria was in the fencing training area in the mansion in the company of her colleague Edmund, he was one of the guards of his orda, the clanking of the swords was incessant until one of the swords went flying through the air and falling to the ground, signaling the victory of the Grand Duchess.

The blond man waved his hand and looked at the woman-" Is that a tactic you use to make the loser feel humiliated? "-He questioned.

" Huh? Of course not "-She replied.

" As always, Your Highness, you have a lot of talent, too bad there is never any real battle to put your tactics into play "-Edmund spoke as he watched her put away her sword.

" You could have used them against that creature "-He commented.

" Nah, I prefer to keep him as a mascot "-She replied.

" As you wish, Your Highness "-The knight agreed.

" Well, I better go, I need to go meet Adrian in the garden for my afternoon tea "-Maria spoke and with that she left for inside the mansion, leaving him behind.

Edmund had never seen that woman smile, probably because of her last six husbands, they had tired her emotionally and mentally, she didn't see any more sense in clinging to love and also, immortal life was something tiring and it had become something tedious .

Lady Lilith found herself in the garden in front of the mansion, she was seated in a gilded chair with a small table of the same shade and a beautiful white sun shade shielding her from the sun as she read a thick orange book that had the title 'Our Dog Changed', lying right behind her was The Beast sleeping soundly.

" Hmmm... there's a lot of useful information here, I think I understood the basics on how to discipline "-She spoke as she picked up the next book which was 'How a Wise Miss Cared for a Wolf', she also had to read '100 ways of raising a good dog' and 'There is no such thing as a bad dog'

' I really liked that title, it almost exactly describes my current situation... '-The auburn haired woman thought, that's when she read the first two verses of the book:

Shh!

At her gentle touch down there, she couldn't hold back and let out a moan.

His eyes glowed with fierce heat at the sight of the stern duchess and her untidy hair.

As if he were a wolf thirsty for the duchess's love, she...

Maria aggressively closed the book, taking a deep breath with her eyes closed she thought-' ...Well, that was an unfortunate incident, I just picked up the book based on the title.... I mean, technically speaking, this book shows from more erotic form a relationship between a woman and a beast '-She opened her eyes and looked in the direction of the huge white wolf.

' But first of all, he needs training '-She put the book on the table and turned to the wolf.

" Hey... give the paw "-The Grand Duchess spoke, extending her hand to him, but he simply growled and showed her his fangs, using his front paw to attack her but she managed to get her hand back in time.

' Hmm... he attacked with his front paw, does that count as following my order? '-She questioned herself as she watched him get into a defensive position-' His attitude is terrible but... ''

With a sigh she threw a piece of meat at him and he quickly snapped it up-' I shouldn't have expected too much from him at first '

" Boy... "-Maria called him which made the beast look in her direction-" Sit down "-she ordered but he simply growled at her.

' Hmm, is it harder for him to understand orders using a voice without me guiding him with my hand? '-The woman questioned herself.

Lady Lilith then placed her hand on his shoulder and then pushed him away-" Here, you sit like this "

' Ugh...! '-The wolf thought but in the blink of an eye he was sitting.

" Good job "-Maria praised him.

' If I train him like that, at least he won't hurt others in the future, I might not be able to figure out why I feel he's somehow human but I want him to be able to live among my subjects even when I set him free him '-She thought calmly as she stroked his head-' After all, he's a kind person at heart '

That's when the voice of Lord Lysander, a nobleman who always got into trouble with the Grand Duchess, infested the environment.

" THAT... THAT NAUGHTY.... ! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING WITH THIS CREATURE?! HE WAS TERRORISING EVERYONE AND YOU CHOOSE TO WELCOME HIM THAN KILL HIM?! "

The woman continued with her blank and cold expression while the white wolf seemed uncomfortable with the presence of that man, she listened and listened to him speak, but then finally interrupted him-" I thought you were hiding pulling strings, but finally it showed ... as I expected, you're shameless "

The man's eyes widened-" W-what!... "

" I know this whole incident was planned by you, this wolf here is Theodore Van Atalenta, The Grand Duke of the cursed bloodline, isn't it? "-She said glaring at the man.

" Your grace, you...! "-He tried to argue.

" Have you by any chance forgotten who I am? I'm Lilith, the first woman in the world, I know everything and everyone and the last time I checked, I was the Grand Duchess. But you're treating me like I was your subordinate.... I can consider your rudeness as an act against me, the Grand Duchess "-She spoke coldly, making the man feel his limbs tense.

She then turned to the wolf beside her, placing her hand under his chin, saying-" What do you think, Theo? "-The wolf raised its head growling and baring its fangs.

" Until his grace regains his senses, I'll be in charge of his care, so I hope you don't cross the line from now on "-She spoke as she stroked the wolf's white fur.

" Your actions towards his grace are, without doubt, acts of mockery against the Grand Duke, how could he, as his loyal servant, let you tarnish his image? "-He said at her.

" So isn't it an act of mockery to feed your respectable Grand Duke with drugs, treat him like cattle, and dump him on an island full of creatures that are disgusting to you? Who would dare to do this to their own master? "-She growled at the man.

" ....Well, that's... "-Lysander tried to make some excuse but failed miserably.

Adrian, who was watching that, looked quite surprised-' Lady Lilith is really impressive '-He thought.

" If you already understand your place, then you can leave "-She said, turning her back on that despicable man.

" ...I apologize for my rudeness, your grace "-Lord Lyssander spoke and with that he left.

The butler then approached her and said-" You have a meeting with Baroness Rebecca and her maids, they want to show you the final result before they start making the decorations for the ball "-He informed her.

" Thank you Adrian, please, while I'm at this meeting, I ask you to send a letter to the Van Atalenta Mansion and ask them to send the head of the house and the head butler, we need to resolve this soon " -She said and then pulled the collar on which the Grand Duke was tied.

" As you wish, your grace "-He bowed and then accompanied her inside the mansion.

As soon as they arrived at her office, Adrian handed her the letter so she could put the 'Family' Bellona seal, which was an apple and around it was a snake-" There... now we just need to confirm that he is here with us "

The woman turned to the wolf and said-" Theo, paw "

The wolf sat down with a sigh and she then took his paw, dipping it in the ink and using it as a stamp, putting the mark right next to hers-" You can send the letter now "-She declared to the butler.

Theo shivered as he looked in her direction, in his view she was far more frightening.

Adrian left her office just as Baroness Rebecca and her little spiders entered, by which time Theo was lying behind her chair, watching closely the movement in the room.

" Well, we'd better start with that soon "-She spoke calmly.

The woman knew that it would take a while for the letter to reach the mainland and then to the state of that Grand Duke's family, what was left for her was just to wait.

𝐄𝐍𝐃 𝑜𝑓 𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑡𝑤𝑜!

[libraryleopard]

jesus take the wheel

Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolo di Genova, 1.3k, no archive warnings apply, read on ao3

“Maybe I’d be a better driver in America,” Nicky muses. “Everything is opposite, over there. Switching things up might help.”

“I don’t think we need to test that hypothesis out,” Joe says. “Nothing is better in America.”

Or: A domestic one-shot in which I project my terrible driving skills onto Nicky.

The thing is, Nicky is fine driving when it's life or death. (Well, not death, he supposes. But there’s certain phrases you can’t drop from your vocabulary, no matter the language or century, and hyperbole has its place in every dialect.)

The point is, he’s great behind the wheel of a car when careening and explosions are involved. When the goal is to get away as fast as possible with a minimal amount of limb regeneration, consequences be damned.

But anything more mundane? Well. There’s a reason Joe is the designated driver. Nicky tends to drive like an army is on his heels, no matter the circumstances.

“I miss horses,” Nicky grumbles. “You never had to care about stop lights when there were horses.”

“Horses didn’t have air conditioning,” Joe points out, drumming his fingers aimlessly on the steering wheel. “And they smelled a hell of a lot worse.”

Nicky can’t exactly argue with that—the twenty-first century may have its horrors, but the torrent of cool air pouring from the car vents is certainly not one of them. He props his feet on the dashboard, eyeing the red light ahead. “There’s no one here, anyway, can’t you just go?” The tiny eastern European town they’ve settled in for the time being–just until the dust settles, Andy claims–is small enough that even on a weekday, the main intersection at the center of town remains empty.

“That, my darling Niccolò, is exactly why you have not been entrusted with the leadership on this most delicate mission,” Joe replies.

“Yusuf,” Nicky sighs. “I think I could manage a grocery run.”

“Nicky,” Joe sighs back. “Your lack of respect for the great traffic laws of Croatia says otherwise. I will compromise Andy’s baklava for no one. Else we might find ourselves testing the limit of our immortality rather sooner than we expected.”

“What about Malta?” Nicky retorts. “I was a superb driver in Malta.”

“You were superb in many ways in Malta, my love,” Joe concedes, a smile tugging at his lips. Nicky knows exactly what Joe’s remembering when he side-eyes him, gaze catching on his lips. “But as the car still ended up a flaming wreck, I’m not taking that as proof of your everyday driving skills.”

“Those were unique circumstances,” Nicky protests.

“And these are not.” Joe eyes the stoplight, which remains stubbornly red.

“Maybe I’d be a better driver in America,” Nicky muses. “Everything is opposite, over there. Switching things up might help.”

“I don’t think we need to test that hypothesis out,” Joe says. “Nothing is better in America.”

Technically, Nicky can drive. He has the license to prove it—several dozen, actually, though since the names and birthdates are far from accurate, they don’t exactly prove much. He’s just not…particularly up to date. They all have blind spots in this modern world–Andy’s attitude towards smartphones is a reluctant reliance above some mixture of confusion and paranoia and Joe occasionally finds himself less than clear on the ever-shifting borders of countries (when, exactly, did the Soviet Union stop regularly appearing on the news?). Nicky’s blindspot just happens to involve four-way intersections and general bemusement at yield signs.

“It’s barely been a century,” Nicky protests. “Give a man some adjustment time.”

Stoplights are not really the problem, if he’s being honest. It’s more the sudden vehicular evolution that really threw him–how a few automobiles cruising at thirty kilometers an hour exploded into a world-wide industry of speed that always catches him off guard when he looks away for a few years. Now they talk? And drive themselves? It almost seems a waste to stay on top of such an ever-evolving invention. By the time he’d gotten comfortable with a stick shift, they were practically obsolete.

The light finally flickers green and Joe eases the car into acceleration with a whiff of exhaust and a rumble of tires against concrete.

The thing about cars, Nicky supposes, is that they truly remind him of how far he’s come. There’s always a moment—a pure, unavoidable split second—when his foot hits the accelerator and he realizes just how unrecognizable this world would be to the man he once was. This great hulking beast of metal and glass at his command, roaring through smooth stone streets with a belly full of gas and sparks.

Never in his wildest dreams could he have dreamt such a thing. Not in his days as a priest with his rosary smooth beneath his fingers, not once he’d traded worn beads for a knight’s sword, heavy with purpose and intended glory. Not even once he’d seen his flesh improbably knit itself together, once he’d met the eyes of a man once placed as his enemy and felt a spark that was anything but animosity. That mankind could forge metal and distill substances from the depths of the earth into something he could tame with a single press of his foot, with the turn of a key, is still remarkable to him.

He likes to remind himself, still, of the everyday miracle of living so long. There’s always heartache, always the wounds that fade from flesh but never soul, but there is also this moment here in a creation his civilization never lived to see, alongside a man he would have died hating if not for a turn of fate.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Joe asks as they slow to another stop. He’s always testing out new idioms, letting his tongue trip across the fresh inventions of language, as fleeting as sugar between the teeth.

Nicky shakes his head. “I don’t like that one as much. Are you supposed to be paying me to speak my mind? And pennies are so transient, I’m sure they’ll be gone in a few decades and the whole phrase rendered useless.”

“Better make use of it while it lasts,” Joe says. He reaches out for Nicky’s hand without even looking, easy as breath, and smoothes a thumb across the back of Nicky’s hand.

Nicky traces his own finger across his husband’s hands, the contours almost as familiar as his own. They wear rings for now, having deemed this place and time safe enough to indulge. They’ve been married almost more times than Nicky can count—in Arabic, in Italian, in English, in Dutch, in silence, in a dozen more languages than he can count, alone beneath the sky or in grand churches or mosques—yet they’ve always had to be cautious about it. Perhaps the world is finally beginning to catch up, in fits and starts, to what they and so many others have always known to be true in their hearts, even if only witnessed by the shadows.

“We should get married again,” he says, suddenly. “It’s been long enough since the last time.”

Joe tilts his head, the evening light pouring through the windshield sparking gold from his brown eyes. “You think? Perhaps we should spice things up and get a divorce for once.”

Nicky scoffs. “That involves more paperwork than either of us is willing to cough up. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

Joe laughs. “Fair. Another marriage, then.”

“Yes.” Nicky laces fingers tight with Joe’s, feels how perfectly they weave together as if some long-ago creator molded them to fit. “Now that Nile’s here. It’d be nice, I think, to celebrate with someone new.”

The unsaid between them: that this will be the first wedding in centuries without Booker, where he can’t get wine drunk and quote rambling sections from classic literature on love and commitment and they’ll all pretend his tipsiness isn’t to hide an edge of bitter jealousy. That Andy may not live to see the next time they exchange vows.

But at least they have Andy for now, and Nile, and each other.

“It would be nice.” Joe’s free hand is still splayed on the steering wheel and for a moment, Nicky is possessed by the urge to take it, to take all of him, and hold him tight, Croatian traffic safety laws be damned. Nicky at least knows enough to check in the mirrors that the road behind him is clear before he leans in and reminds Joe that there’s one language their mouths will always be fluent in, no matter the century.

[paperanddice]

Tears of the Crocodile God Part 1

Tears of the Crocodile God is a 4th Edition adventure from Dungeon Magazine issue 209. It’s a paragon tier adventure for 15th-17th level characters, right about in the middle of the system, and is meant to be a relatively dangerous adventure, pushing a party to their limits with few risk-free ways to recover. It contains 10 combat encounters and 4 major puzzles, though two of those puzzles can be used to avoid an encounter and a few of the encounters could be considered optional, depending on how clever players are in avoiding them or choosing which to engage with. Theoretically, an incredibly fast and picky party could avoid nearly every encounter, though doing so would be nearly impossible without foreknowledge or exceptional luck, and would likely result in one of the poor endings for the adventure. These encounters are not trivial ones either, ranging from level 15-20. Normal 4th Edition encounter building isn’t designed for this many fights in a single day, and so the adventure has a mechanism for how to get around it that I’ll discuss as part of the conversion factor.

For the conversions, I’ll put them right around the mid point of the systems as it is in 4E. That means around 10th level for 5e, and 5th level for 13th Age. Both of these are fairly advanced and powerful heroes, and so the threat against them can be similarly advanced and fit within the original story and design. This does require some discussion on the length of the adventure and the number of encounters included within it. 5th Edition is technically meant to have 6-8 encounters per long rest, and so the adventure only slightly exceeds that expectation, though many of the games I’ve run rarely hit such numbers. 13th Age on the other hand is very specifically intended to do 4 regular encounters per full heal-up, so pushing it to more than double that number is far beyond the capacity of the characters.

One aspect I’d like to discuss at the front here as well is the way Icons could interact with the adventure in a 13th Age game. Nephalot and the Crocodile God are not Icons in and of themselves, and they don’t necessarily line up too much with the default Icons in the setting. The closest alignments as I see them are the Crusader (power at all costs, a ritual to sacrifice a few weaker lives to create one more powerful immortal creature could be useful), the High Druid (the Crocodile God itself represents a powerful animal spirit that could be useful to her) or maybe the Three (lean more into the reptile imagery, or give the Crocodile God some draconic features as it absorbs the energy). Standing against the actions of Nephalot and the Crocodile God could be the Archmage (perhaps the evil ritual Nephalot has been using is something an earlier Archmage came up with and the current one wishes to see its use stopped), the Emperor (the Crocodile Cult represents a potential threat to the stability of the Empire), the Great Gold Wyrm (evil must be vanquished), or the Priestess (the Crocodile is not a god, and even if it were it’s a threat to the people with its constant human sacrifices).

Crocodile Fonts

Now we must discuss the mechanism the adventure uses to extend the characters’ capacity. Drinking from the crocodile fonts scattered around the dungeon can refresh characters, healing them, giving back healing surges, and recharging one expended daily power. Each font has 2 free uses and 3 more gated behind a dangerous trap and a skill check. Converting the intention of these fonts into the other systems requires a decision on the best way to do so.

For 5th Edition, my method was to allow each font to grant a short rest (as short rests are far longer in this system than either of the others and some classes rely on them quite a bit), as well as replenishing two spent Hit Dice. They could recharge some spell slots or other features as well, but the mechanism for that was complicated and upon more review not entirely necessary. The resources characters have are intended to be able to last many encounters, so merely granting access to short rests and additional hit dice should theoretically give enough endurance to push through. In a spellcaster heavy party or one that’s less experienced or equipped with little magical gear, allowing a use of the font to recharge half the character’s level in expended spell slots (as the wizard’s arcane recovery feature), or one third for partial casters like paladins and rangers, or a choice of recharging half the maximum amount of another per day limited feature such as Lay on Hands or Sorcery Points. This is more powerful with once per long rest features, so take that into consideration.

13th Age has a few other options however. Full heal-ups aren’t exactly tied to taking a specific long rest the way they would be in D&D. Depending on the story, full heal-ups could be scattered days apart, or could happen in the middle of a dungeon as characters push forward. They are simply intended to come every 4 standard encounters, regardless of the in story time between those encounters. That gives us a choice of simply allowing a full heal-up once the party finishes roughly half the combats, allowing the party a full heal-up at one point during the adventure of their choice, allowing drinking from a font to grant a full heal-up but limiting the fonts so that the total uses available in the dungeon are 1/character, or letting each font allow a similar refreshment as the 4E version of the adventure and disallowing a proper full heal-up while within the dungeon.

My personal preference would probably be to the last of those, as part of the tone of the adventure is pushing through where recovery isn’t really easy. In this case, I’d probably keep the fonts to 5 maximum uses and allow drinking from one to have effectively the exact same effect as 4E. Return to full hp, regain 2 expended recoveries, and recharge one daily use power. Granting recharge rolls for all or even a single expended ability or spell could be good as well, especially for classes like the barbarian who might want more than a single rage use across 10 potential fights. As I have far less experience with 13th Age I can’t be 100% certain on the best option for this, so I’ll leave some of the specifics to your own discretion. If you feel that simply granting a full heal-up fits better with your group’s capabilities and the story, go for that, though I’d still tie it to the crocodile fonts in some capacity. Having them be a key resource and forcing the players to make tough decisions as to when to make use of them is a major point.

As traps, the crocodile fonts are mostly out of combat mechanics and force players to take a risk if they want to push their recovery beyond the freely granted uses.

5th Edition:

Crocodile Font Trap Mechanical and magic trap This trap uses a magical sensor to recognize when to slam the jaws of the statue shut, trying to catch a creature within them. Attempting to drink from the crocodile font after the first two uses forces the character to succeed on a DC 15 Dexterity saving throw or take 22 (4d10) piercing damage and become restrained. While restrained, the creature takes 11 (2d10) piercing damage at the end of each of its turns and its face is held underwater, forcing it to hold its breath if it can’t breath water. The target or a creature that can reach the font can take a standard action to attempt a DC 15 Strength check, freeing the creature on a success. The font can be jammed open by making a Dexterity check using thieves’ tools or a Strength (Athletics) check against DC 18, allowing the additional drinks without danger. The font can also be destroyed (AC 15; 30 hp; immune to cold, necrotic, poison, and psychic damage). Destroying the font releases a restrained creature, but also neutralizes the font’s magic.

13th Age: These kinds of traps may go a little against some of the themes of the system, but they aren’t a hidden surprise that screws a character over with no warning. They’re clearly signposted, and a character that triggers it has done so having accepted the risks.

Champion-tier crocodile font trap: DC 20 skill check using Dexterity or Strength to hold open so a creature can take a drink from a font after the first two uses without risking getting hit by it; +10 vs. PD (the creature drinking from the font) - 4d6 damage, 5 ongoing damage, and the target is stuck and hampered and the target must start making last gasp saves. Making a last gasp save ends all effects. On a fourth failure, the target’s head or upper body is severed by the font. Multiple use. Make the skill check as the character drinks, rather than ahead of time.

River Crocodiles

The smaller crocodiles that occupy all running water within the labyrinth are generally pretty calm, though characters that bother the crocodiles or get into a combat close to the water may have to contend with them acting up and a few attacking. Given their relative weakness in comparison to the characters, they’ll quickly flee if confronted.

5th Edition River Crocodile Medium beast, unaligned Armor Class 13 (natural armor) Hit Points 16 (3d8 + 3) Speed 20 ft., swim 40 ft. Str 13 (+1) Dex 14 (+1) Con 13 (+1) Int 2 (-4) Wis 10 (+0) Cha 5 (-3) Skills Stealth +4 Senses passive Perception 10 Languages - Challenge 1/4 (50 XP) Hold Breath. The crocodile can hold its breath for 15 minutes. Actions Bite. Melee Weapon Attack: +3 to hit, reach 5 ft., one creature. Hit: 5 (1d8+1) piercing damage and the target is grappled (escape DC 11). Until this grapple ends, the target is restrained, and the crocodile can't bite another target.

13th Age:

River Crocodile 3rd level mook [beast] Initiative: +5

Bite +8 vs. AC - 4 damage Natural even hit: The target is stuck and takes 2 ongoing damage (save ends both). The crocodile can’t use its bite on another creature until the target saves.

AC 19 PD 17 MD 13 HP 11 (mook) Mook: Kill one river crocodile for every 11 damage you deal to the mob.

Secret Doors

Finding the secret doors in the labyrinth should be moderately difficult. A DC 20 Wisdom (Perception) check to notice them works for 5th Edition, and a DC 25 Wisdom based skill check should work for 13th Age.

The other common features of the labyrinth, such as the biting insects, runewheels, and the dreams of the crocodile god aren’t as concerning to me. The biting insects are the only one with a real mechanical effect, and it’s not one that I particularly care to keep track of. The first 5th Edition conversion I made included it, and it was just something people regularly forgot and didn’t care too much for and the long rest penalties really shouldn’t come up. I consider taking a long rest within the Labyrinth an automatic fail state for the adventure, as the trial lasts far too long for those outside to wait and the labyrinth will be invaded with dozens of crocodile cult warriors and priests if the time extends that long. Characters are forced to either flee or rush through as fast as possible if they try to take a long rest.

Next update I’ll start exploring the specific encounter and puzzle areas of the dungeon, as well as discuss the four sacrifices that the party may encounter and what could be done with them.