#thankfully one is a fanfic and therefore on ao3

[mozart-the-meerkitten]

Time for another obscure character comparison post! This time through excerpts from each story.

Connecting thread: a sad, traumatized man who just wants to go home to his family and thinks he’s a coward but is just out there doing insanely brave things like rescuing girls from crazy people who are trying to kill them.

           Suddenly, Slarb’s growl was cut short. Trembling, Leeli opened her eyes and saw the Fang’s claws clutching desperately at an arm locked tight around his throat.            She couldn’t see the person’s face, only a tuft of white hair sticking up from behind Slarb’s shoulder- but the arm around Slarb’s throat had a dirty knitted sock pulled up to the elbow.            Slarb’s black eyes wheeled in their sockets as he scratched and dug into the socked arm, but it did no good. The arm held firm. Slarb staggered backward and turned away from Leeli, revealing lanky Peet the Sock Man, who was either brave enough or foolish enough (and maybe both) to attack a Fang barehanded, or sock-handed, as it turned out.            Peet’s eyes were squeezed shut as he hung on desperately to the thrashing Fang. Slarb’s teeth were bared and oozing with yellowish venom, but his movements were slowing down.            Leeli began to hope that just maybe she would live to see her family and Nugget again. Peet was grunting, straining to keep his grip on the twisting beast; though blood was soaking the sock where Slarb’s claws were digging into Peet’s forearm, he showed no sign of pain.            Slarb spun around, so fast that Peet’s feet flew out behind him. The Fang lurched this way and that, his tail whipping the underbrush. Finally he fell first to one knee and then to the ground, unconscious.            Peet lay on top of Slarb, gasping for air. After a moment, he loosened his grip and carefully slid his arm out from under the creature’s neck. When Peet saw Leeli, he relaxed and stood up, brushing himself off as if embarrassed Leeli was still crouched down in the brush at the edge of the trees, looking warily at her rescuer.            “Thank you,” she said timidly. “That was very brave.”

-The Wingfeather Saga book one: On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness by Andrew Peterson (tv show based on the book coming December 2nd!)

 *

           “Well how about it?” inquired Dustfinger, taking a step back. “Do you dare come in here with me, or would you rather go on hitting little girls?”            Basta stood there motionless, like a child whose ears have been suddenly and unexpectedly boxed. Then he seized Meggie’s arm and dragged her toward him. She felt something cold on her throat. She didn’t have to see it to know what it was. Her mother screamed and pulled at Dustfinger’s hand but he only held it higher in the air. “I knew it!” he said. “What a coward you are, Basta! You’d rather put a knife to a child’s throat than venture in here. Of course if Flatnose were here to back you up, too, with his broad back and his great fat fists- but he isn’t. Come along, you’re the one with the knife! I’ve got nothing but my hands, and you know how I hate to misuse them for fighting.”            Meggie felt Basta’s grip relax. The blade was no longer pressing into her skin. She swallowed and put a hand to her throat. She almost expected to feel warm blood, but there was none. Basta pushed her away so hard that she stumbled and fell on the damp, cold floor. Then he put his hand into his pants pocket and brought out a bunch of keys. He was panting with rage like a man who had run too far and too fast. Fingers trembling, he put the key into the lock of the cell. Dustfinger watched him, his face impassive. He gestured to Meggie’s mother to step back from the grating and retreated himself, nimble as a dancer. You couldn’t tell from his scarred face whether he was afraid or not, but the scars looked darker than usual.            “What’s that for?” he said, when Basta came into the cell and held out his knife. “You might as well put it away. If you kill me you’ll spoil Capricorn’s fun. He won’t forgive you for that in a hurry.”            Yes he was afraid. Meggie could hear it in his voice. The words were spilling out of his mouth a little too fast.            “Who said anything about killing?” growled Basta as he closed the cell door behind him.            Dustfinger retreated as far as the stone coffin. “Am you were thinking of adding a few more decorations to my face?” he was almost whispering. There was something else in his voice now- hatred, scorn, rage. “Don’t expect it to be so easy this time,” he said softly. “I’ve learned a few useful tricks since then.”

…

           “I’ll cut your filthy fingers off if you try to touch me!” yelled Basta, his face red with rage. “Every one of them, and your tongue into the bargain.” He lunged with the knife again, cutting through the air with the bright blade, but Dustfinger avoided it. He was leaping around Basta faster and faster, ducking, retreating, advancing, but suddenly he found that his fearless dance had trapped him. He had only the bare wall behind him now, and the grating cutting off his retreat to the right- and Basta was coming straight at him.            At that moment Meggie’s mother raised her hand. The stone hit Basta on the head. Astonished, he spun around, looked at her as if trying to remember who she was, and put his hand to his bleeding face. She never knew how Dustfinger did it, but suddenly he had Basta’s knife in his hand. Basta was staring at its familiar blade in amazement, as if he couldn’t grasp the fact that the faithless thing was pointing at his own chest.

-Inkheart, by Cornelia Funke

 *

Tillman had knocked the white ironstone bowl off his tray, shattering it on the tile next to him. “I told you!” he yelled, swinging his feet off the bed, and kicked at the shards to make room to stand. “I said they were here!”

Belle wasn’t sure whether the bowl being sent to the floor was purposeful or an accident, but it had to be cleared up either way, before he cut his feet on it. “Stay right where you are,” she said. “You’ll hurt yourself.”

“I don’t take orders from your kind,” Tillman said, fixing her with that severe look again.

Turning back to Captain Gold, she sighed, giving him a smile. “I’ll be right back - I’m going to clean up before he and Gardner can start something over it.”

Belle took the tray from the end of the bed and sat it on the floor so that she could place the broken pieces on it. Tillman squatted down next to her, apparently having snapped out of it and deciding to help. “Thank you,” she said. “Be careful, don’t cut yourself.” At least ironstone didn’t shatter to virtual sand as some china did. She concentrated on picking up the small fragments he’d scattered, and he reached for a larger piece.

Before she knew it, he’d hauled her to her feet, holding her against him with an arm wrapped in an iron grip around her chest and upper arms, pressing the point of the ironstone shard to her neck.

Belle pulled at his forearm on instinct. “Lieutenant Tillman!” she cried, and she heard running footsteps. “Lieutenant Tillman, it’s all right, it’s Nurse French! You know me!”

“I know damn well what you are, and you’re no nurse,” he snarled near her ear.

Rummond’s heart pounded so hard against his ribs that his breastbone ached. He’d been watching Belle; it was difficult to take his eyes off of her. Tillman moved so fast, though, he hadn’t even time to get a word out before she’d been grabbed up in a hostage hold.

He knew he couldn’t have gotten across the aisle quickly enough, but as soon as Tillman turned and Rummond was out of the Lieutenant’s line of sight, he slipped from the far side of his bunk and crossed to the other side of the ward, where he could move more quickly without being seen.

“Crazy bugger thinks she’s a German,” Lieutenant Booth snorted as his bunkmate snuck away.

Belle vaguely knew as more and more people gathered. Other nurses and orderlies dared get closest, their voices muddled as they all tried to talk to Tillman, each thinking they could talk sense into him. Her ears hummed and she felt lightheaded and too hot, and she knew it was adrenaline, but that didn’t help to clear her whirling thoughts. She had been in dangerous situations since becoming a nurse, but this was the first to threaten her so directly, and terror grew in the pit of her stomach.

“Lieutenant Michael Tillman! Let her go!” Dr. Whale barked above the other voices, and Belle zeroed in on him. Dr. Hopper stood next to him, face blanched, and Ruby stood on the other side. Graham stood beside Dr. Hopper, his hands raised, and Belle couldn’t hear what he said over everyone else, but he looked frightened. Well, at least she wasn’t overreacting to her situation, then.

Some of the patients were hovering at mid-range, most keeping a few feet back from the staff, and she saw worry in their faces, as well. Dr. Glass watched from the ward doors with an almost neutral expression. She didn’t see Captain Gold, though. She should have been able to see him on his bed when she shifted her eyes that way, but he was gone. If she could only see him, see the look on his face, she thought she might be better able to gauge just what kind of trouble she was in. She felt as if his face would give her the truth.

Jefferson whispered, “What are you doing?” as Rummond passed. Rummond swatted a hand in his direction, giving him a look sharp enough to quiet him immediately in return for the question.

He crept between the beds at the far end of the room and made himself as small and low as he could as he moved back up the other aisle. Less than half the length of the room away. He slowed himself to silence the pat of his bare footsteps.

“No one would believe me! And look where we are now!” Tillman ranted, shaking her.

“Lieutenant,” Belle said, praying she could calm him long enough for his delusion to break, or for something to stop him. “I know it feels real, but I promise you-”

“Shut up!” he snapped, shaking her again.

Belle clenched her eyes shut, feeling the piece of ironstone move on her skin. When she opened them again, Tillman had turned enough that she caught movement in the reflection of the window beside his bed. She saw just enough to tell her who it was. Captain Gold.

She could have sobbed, though whether in relief that someone was making an effort to do something or in fear for him, she couldn’t be sure. Tillman was easily fifty pounds heavier than Captain Gold, and if he turned the shard on the other man…

“It’s all right,” she continued, hoping to distract Lieutenant Tillman and keep him from noticing the reflection. It was right in front of him - he only needed to look that way to see. “If you’ll just let me go, we can finish cleaning up the bowl, and perhaps you can talk with Dr. Hopper? I’m sure he-”

“Shut your mouth!” he yelled right behind her ear, digging the shard harder against her neck, and she choked back a cry when she felt the sharp point puncture her skin.

Tillman stood against the side of his bunk, and Rummond could see there was no way to get between. He would have to go over top, and that would mean a very narrow moment during which he could do anything before Tillman knew he was there.

His lungs burned when he held his breath to cut off that sound, as well, and he stepped between Tillman’s bed and the one to the left of it. With his knees at the edge of the mattress, he leaned, putting all of his weight on his good foot, and lunged. He had his hands on Tillman before the springs squeaked, wrenching the hand holding the piece of broken ironstone to force it as far away from Nurse French’s skin as he could.

Belle felt herself yanked backward, and for a second she feared Tillman had done it, slit her throat. But then she heard, “Drop it, boy. Drop the weapon,” in a low voice, somehow dispassionate and chilling at once, almost as near her ear as it was to Tillman’s, and it made her skin crawl. It took a very long beat of her heart to recognize that Captain Gold had gotten to them.

Rummond snaked his hand in behind Tillman’s arm across Nurse French’s chest, wrapping his hand around the Lieutenant’s wrist from the inside with a vice grip. With a sudden push stronger than the pulling hold Tillman had on her, Rummond gave her room to get away, and she took it.

When the grip on her loosened, Belle dropped away, hitting her knees hard enough to bruise, her hands flying to her neck. Graham rushed in to get her, pulling her up and away, and she was surrounded by he, Ruby, and Dr. Hopper as they saw blood and tried to check her. She turned among their hands, trying to see what happened between Captain Gold and Lieutenant Tillman.

Tillman twisted his hand, trying to cut his attacker’s arm, but found himself held at the wrong angle to accomplish it. “I won’t be held prisoner again!” he shouted, fighting. “I’ll kill myself first!”

“Graham, help him!” Belle pled, pushing his hand away from her neck and urging him toward the patients who were still the center of spectation.

The adrenaline in Rummond’s system was waning, and he wasn’t strong enough to hold onto Tillman without its help. He felt his muscles beginning to tremble. To his relief, Humbert knelt one knee on the mattress and Gardner overshadowed them on the window side, each taking one of the Lieutenant’s arms, and he could let go. He scrambled backward off the bunk, just keeping his footing as he put the piece of furniture between himself and Tillman.

-Better to Face the Bullets by @ishtarelisheba

how did it ever get into their heads that they’re cowards

[n30nwrites]

Bring Me To Life (Prologue)

Summary: Against all odds, you've survived. Having graduated high school and moved out of your Parent's place, your sibling decides to join you for the summer, and your first stop is Santa Cruz in California, you had always wanted to live there anyways so why not now that you're experiencing freedom? One problem: This doesn't look like the 21st century, instead it looks like a scene from your favorite movie, in fact it looks exactly like your favorite movie.

How are you meant to survive in the murder capital of the world? With vampires of all things, and your sibling hates this movie.

a/n: prologue for this fanfic, this will also be on AO3 and wattpad. Preface for this, fuck Max :}

Reader: Male Reader, uses Y/N, third person.

Oc uses they/she pronouns. Will be using both, Y/n refers to them as both sibling and sister, which is okay

Fandom: The Lost Boys

Pairing(s): Michael Emerson x Reader, Paul x Reader, Dwayne x Reader, Marko x Reader, David x Reader, Sam Emerson x Nonbinary! Oc, Edgar Frog x Nonbinary! Oc, Alan Frog x Nonbinary! Oc,

It was one thing moving the United States to California by yourself, it was another thing bringing your 15-year-old sibling with you, not to live with you, but to stay just until summer was over and school was starting again, your parents believed it would help with their 'rebellious streak'. That streak being that they just don't care enough to do class work and keep staying up all night playing video games, therefore they fall asleep in class.

Nik had a firm belief in changing the radio whenever any song that they didn't like came on, and you had a firm belief that your sibling needed to shut up because you liked your music and if you had to drive without some good tunes you would probably turn into the next psycho on the news.

You two did listen to similar music, but for this trip it was specifically 80s and 90s songs that you shouted loudly, windows were rolled down because the air conditioner in your car didn't work. It was small and shitty and cost a year of pay, thankfully your parents were there to let you live rent free. One of the few things you could be thankful for.

"Do you know how to be quiet?" Your sibling groaned, their jacket wrapped around their body despite how hot it was, "Put on Hozier, or Doja, hell I'll even take Taylor Swift over this... What is this shit?"

'Cry little sister'

"I know damn well you aren't talking to me about my music taste-"

'Thou shall not fall'

"What's wrong with mine?"

Come, come to your brother

"It's literally only tiktok songs, half of them aren't even good."

'Thou shall not die'

"At least I don't say 'They sung this on Glee'"

'Unchain me, sister'

"Every hot, mentally ill, gay person went through a Glee faze."

Thou shall not fear

"I didn't"

'Love is with your brother'

"That's why I said hot."

'Thou shall not kill'

You quickly stuck your tongue out in a childish way, before looking back into the road, ignoring your sibling who mumbled and repeated your words. "Theres a reason we're heading to Santa Cruz. Found a nice place right near the beach so we can-"

"Sleep all day, and party all night. I know, you've said it hundreds of times." Nik had heard the phrase from you so many times, you had tried to show them your favorite movie, even almost tricked them into it, but they were quick to leave the room. They simply hated it because you loved it, something you were forced to accept about them.

The car ride became silent as you got closer, to fill it, Nik had turned up the radio as it switched to a different song.

"Finally some MJ." The beat of Billie Jean came in, causing you to start tapping your hands to it as your merged.

"She was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene" The two of you belted the lyrics, switching over the 80s playlist to one consistently of Michael Jackson. "I said don't mind, but what do you mean, I am the one" you shook your head, "Who will dance" you turned to your sibling and sung the words to them before turning back, repeating it each time you sung, "on the floor" again "in the round?" and then turned back, "She said I am the one, who will dance on the floor in the round"

The house that you bought with a loan wasn't the biggest, at least not compared to your parents house. Two bedrooms, One master and One guest, and 1 in a half bathrooms. The half bathroom was connected to the master bedroom, which Nik tried to get but was quickly locked out. They would be staying in the guest room, while you set it up they would help. They were also supposed to attempt to find a job this summer, as their parents wanted Nik to learn some responsibility. 

"Okay, change outfits, shower if you need to! We are going to the beach!" You were excited, thrumming almost. You felt as if you belonged.

"I'm tired."

"Party all night!" You yelled, grabbing a suit case filled with your clothes. The two of you didn't have a lot. A few suitcases filled with clothes, and then a few boxes for the rooms. You didn't even have mattresses yet.

"Let's just sleep a bit." A nap did sound good, you didn't have the best sleep due to the anxiety about the drive.

"Fine, a nap! I'm setting an alarm." Nik went into your room, both of you grabbing the blankets and laying them on the floor, setting up some pillows and collapsing as soon as you could.

Instead of waking up to your alarm, you woke up to Nik shaking your shoulder, harsh rain hitting the window and the house was shaking.

"The doors are opening."

You stood up quick, running out of the bedroom to the backdoor refusing to close. You pushed against it but it quickly fell open, so you held the door. "Grab the heavy boxes." Nik followed through, pushing against the doors as lightning flashed. "It wasn't supposed to storm."

"Don't they get Hurricanes here." A siren went off, "Well-"

"Not another tornado." You groaned. You had your fair shair of them, being where your from. "We need to grab our shit, head to the basement."

The house shook again, you two grabbed your phones and chargers, rushing down into the basement that still had cobwebs. Nik almost ran upstairs at the sight of them, claiming they would rather take their chance with the tornado. You had to basically pulled them down as you two sat in the basement, the house shook as you two fell to the ground, hitting your heads.

Your eyes rolled back, your vision turns black as your body hits the ground. Your siblings hand lays against yours as their body falls onto you, and in that moment, you had gone through the impossible.

[spaceshipkat]

MOTA got me back writing fics because Bucky and Buck are k i l l i n g me, but I’m unsure if I should even post them (ao3). Thoughts?? Advice??? 🥺

ahhh HELL yeah!! welcome to the clegan writer fanclub 🫶

and honestly, anon? i say go for it!! i was hesitant to write any mota fic (for a variety of reasons, one being i'm first and foremost an original fiction writer and i already have a mota-inspired original manuscript i'm developing, and i worried about crossing streams and losing momentum for either my fics or my original manuscript, but thankfully neither has happened--and i posted my first clegan fic a month ago today) but i'm SO glad that i did, and i'm equally glad that i posted them to ao3. the response has been overwhelming in a very good way and incredibly uplifting, and really helps with my motivation

but beyond that, i think three good reasons to post your fics are 1) you enjoy writing them, 2) you enjoy reading them, and 3) you did something incredible that not everyone has the chops to pull off and that deserves to be celebrated. i wrote my fics because they were stories i wanted to read and hadn't yet found in the tags (i've also reread them countless times since i posted them, bc i wrote them for myself) and because i thought they might be stories other people want to read, too.

so some advice! this is how i approached writing and posting any fanfic, since i came to it as an original fiction writer pursuing tradpub where the best way to keep writing is to write first and foremost for yourself (it's truly the only way to keep writing when you're pursuing tradpub--i'm not even being facetious here). i had not written a single word of fanfic until april 2022.

anyway, enough yapping. my advice is under the cut because this got long. and while this ask is about mota, my tips cover pretty much any fanfic someone might post to ao3 (should anyone else be after some advice about posting or writing fic!):

tip #1: try not worry about the number of views, kudos, comments, etc etc that you receive. YOU enjoy what you wrote and had fun doing it, which means it was worth writing, so try to go into posting to ao3 without expectations. i know it's easier said than done (i myself still struggle with this, separating my feelings about writing fic to their reception), but it's something important to, at the very least, keep at the forefront of your mind and remind yourself of as often as needed once you click "post."

tip #2: everyone can get picky about what stops them from reading certain fics. for me, one big reason i'll stop reading is when an author overuses epithets. for instance, if i wrote this passage from peacetime like a liminal space:

Gale is still there in the soft light of the hotel hallway, the leather of his A-3 jacket gleaming and crusher cap angled just-so, toothpick a taunt and temptation both in the corner of his mouth. He’s smirking and, if John didn’t know better, blushing as he gives John a quick once-over. John looks down at himself. Lipstick is still smeared on his nipples. Clearing his throat, he tugs the robe tighter shut, shielding his chest from Gale’s sight.

as this instead (the things i changed are bolded):

The blond is still there in the soft light of the hotel hallway, the leather of his A-3 jacket gleaming and crusher cap angled just-so, toothpick a taunt and temptation both in the corner of his mouth. He’s smirking and, if John didn’t know better, blushing as he gives the taller man a quick once-over. John looks down at himself. Lipstick is still smeared on his nipples. Clearing his throat, he tugs the robe tighter shut, shielding his chest from the other's sight.

it's a big turn-off for me, and i thus likely won't read the fic. it's the same way everyone will have different reasons they put down a traditionally published novel. what floats my boat might not float yours and vice versa, and that's 100% fine. therefore, if you enjoy writing epithets, then go forth and write epithets. this is fanfic. we're here to have fun, not grade each other.

tip #3: do not be afraid to "market" yourself, aka post about your fic on tumblr as often as you fucking want. share passages while you write. ramble about what made you choose a certain turn of phrase, or a certain plot point, or the color of the curtains, or what you believe a background character was thinking in a scene. talk about the writing process. make moodboards. go hog-wild because you should be proud of your accomplishment, and proud of your writing style, and proud of that first kiss you labored over and want to shout from the rooftops about. ignore the people who say that talking about your writing makes you egotistical or a braggart. you are allowed to be proud of your work.

tip #4: tag appropriately. there's quite a few posts out there with general to-dos for tagging your work, and two of the most important ones are ratings (for instance, if your fic has on-page sex, tag it as "explicit," or if it has graphic violence but closed-door sex, tag it as "mature") and proper archive warnings (for instance, if a major character dies--if you include Curt's death in more detail than simply mentioning it, and if Curt is a main character rather than a background or secondary character--select "Major Character Death." in the case of Curt, i don't think you need to tag this unless he's, say, one of the love interests or a POV character. you don't need to tag this if he's a background or secondary character, or if his death is simply talked about/mentioned). another important one is "dead dove, do not eat" as well as a tag for what that dead dove is--even if it's a spoiler. if there's rape, you tag Rape as well as Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, because readers need to know what the dead dove is. it's not enough to simply use the tag, even if the explanation is a spoiler.

personally, i try not to use too many additional tags, as i find the more tags a fic has, the more likely i am to skip over it while scrolling for something to read. i really only want the important ones. to continue using peacetime like a liminal space as an example, this is how i tagged it:

i included Post-War and Post-Canon because i wanted people to know exactly when this fic takes place. i used Getting Together because that's kinda the main plot of the fic, as well as Pining and Idiots in Love. i used Angst with a Happy Ending because i wanted readers to know there is angst, but that there is a guaranteed happy ending (personally, if a writer uses just the Angst tag but doesn't have an additional tag for Happy Ending, i'm unlikely to read the fic unless i'm in the right mood for a potentially upsetting ending). i used POV John Clarence "Bucky" Egan because i personally appreciate knowing whose POV i'll be reading in before i dive in. i love both Bucky and Buck as narrators, but other people might have preferences, and the first three mota fics i posted were all from Buck's POV--people might have expected this one to be from his POV, too. last, i used No Infidelity for this fic when i didn't for my others because (and this is veering into mild spoilers if anyone reading this hasn't read the fic yet, so skip to the next ✈️ if you don't want to be spoiled) it isn't made clear to John or the reader until maybe 75% in that Marge and Gale aren't actually a couple, and this is a big issue John and Gale have to talk about in order for Gale to reveal he and Marge are one another's beards and have never been a real couple. therefore, even though that tag is technically a spoiler, i felt it was important to include all the same. ✈️

tip #5: while there is a caveat in the next paragraph, do try your best to match a character's voice--not only will it help your fic feel more authentic, it's good practice! that was the thing that worried me most when i first dove into writing fanfic, because i appreciate when an author can match a character's voice really well and i worried that i wouldn't be able to match another writer's characters. sometimes it takes me a minute to really feel comfortable in a voice (i'm still not 100% happy with how i wrote Stede in some of my ofmd fics, to be honest, though i'm insanely happy with how i've written Buck and Bucky), but i always appreciate the endeavor because it helps me change up the voices of my narrators in my original fiction.

all that being said, don't kill yourself trying to match a character's voice. it's not worth your mental health, nor your motivation to write in the first place. it gets easier the more you practice, so practice practice practice. i've also found it helps to 1) rewatch certain scenes that provide a good example of how a character talks (if you're writing a more serious fic from Bucky's POV, try rewatching that scene he and Buck are walking through the yard of the stalag and Bucky is lamenting the fact he didn't set life up right; if you're writing a more lighthearted fic, a good study is pretty much the latter half of episode 2, when Bucky talks to Croz and Bubbles, then sings Blue Skies) (for Gale, a good scene to watch to get a feel for how he "confesses" or talks about important, tough subjects is the scene in which he tells Bucky about his dad at the end of episode 2; a high-emotion scene could be when he orders Friedkin in episode 3 to stop panicking and trying to bail because they're going to take everything the Germans have to throw at them, since the outburst is very unlike Buck's usual calm demeanor). and 2) find a certain piece of music to get into a character's head, i also recommend doing the same for the vibe of a fic. again with peacetime like a liminal space, i listened to Måneskin a lot. i also like to listen to Post Engines, Pre-flight from the mota soundtrack when i'm writing Gale's POV (it's the song that plays in episode 1 when the Hundredth is prepping for their first flight by going over the checklist).

that's all i can think of rn (and i've gotta get back to this proofread for work), but if anyone has any advice, feel free to add it!

on the whole, mota has been the most welcoming fandom i've joined in a long time, and i've made so many new mutuals (hello my lovelies!) since i started talking about it on here and posting my fics on ao3 (also got a helluva lot of new followers--i'm so happy y'all are here 🫶). it's been such a wonderful fandom that i think you'll really enjoy posting your fics, anon. i'm behind on reading fics atm--i read for a living, so sometimes i don't have the brainpower to read for fun, and also i don't read other people's fics while writing my own--but i'd love to read yours whenever they're up!! 💖

i hope the above ramble has helped!

[muggle-born-princess]

Update and Upcoming Projects~

Hello, hello~! It’s been so long since I last made an update, haven’t I? O: Anyways, I just wanna say that it’s now been 1 month since I've been living in Texas and so far, there have been a few ups and downs. First off, I’m living off the countryside, so you can guess what creatures I’d been running into lately. XP Secondly, I still wanna say that I am very sorry if I've been acting slow or been inactive lately. Lots of work to do in and around the house.

As for artwork and other projects, I just wanna say that as always, I am taking my time doing them as much as possible. Thankfully since my BF now has a new job working Mondays-Fridays, I’ll have all the free time to take care of myself. :)  Speaking of taking care of myself, I had to back away from a few areas that were making me out to be a toxic and shitty person. ^^; One of them unfortunately being the Miraculous Ladybug fandom. More on that later.

All in all, while yes I may still be slow, I will be also working on a few projects here and there. My goal this spring/summer is to actually get back on track and be more active on every social media I have. Even if it’s something pretentious like Twitter, but that’s where I share my art, so what’s the damage there besides politics? =P I’d often been meaning to focus more on original content instead of fanmade stuff since I wanna learn to expand myself a little out there with my own creativity and see what I can bring to the table.

And now onto Miraculous Ladybug…

I figured that now is the time I go on an indefinite hiatus from it. I’m really sorry to anyone who has followed or watched me only for Miraculous-related content, but as of now, I don’t know how much longer I can take from it. The fandom has caused more harm than good with rabid Love Square shippers, character bashing, and not to mention, 

an actual fucking su**de! 

Yeah as you can say, it really did fuck a lot of people, including me. Once I get down to finishing S4, that’s when I will call it quits for now. 

“But wait, what about your @pro-bee-sisters blogs and your AUs and fics?”

Those will not be canceled thankfully, but they will either be also on hiatus or still be a WIP. It honestly depends how my schedule and my day goes. In fact, I still plan on doing fanwork for the show since I have a lot of ideas for it, but for now, I’m gonna have to take a break from the show until the fandom either A; learns to chill the fuck down (Highly doubtful, but still) or B; begins to die down slowly as possible

I do, however, have three posts I wanna post ASAP. Two of this blog and one on Bee Sisters.

Upcoming Miraculous AUs/Fanfics

A Character Analysis on Zoe and Why She Doesn’t Work

My Real Thoughts on Chloe and Zoe

Also, I've realized that I now have 9 unread asks in my inbox and I do wanna say I am so sorry if you submitted a question and that I did not answer it. I’d been real careful attempting to answer what I think of them and how I respond to it. I will get to those ASAP, but before I do, I just wanna make one thing clear:

DO NOT ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS THAT INVOLVE MY PERSONAL LIFE! 

As I said before in my old post, something asked me a very personal question regarding me on Discord and it was extremely shitty of them to do. I’m not usually one to call out people online unless they’re a dangerous threat (i.e. PAAITB is a good example), but what this person did to me was absolutely unacceptable and rude as fuck; and I will not tolerate it. 

Therefore, that is gonna be my only rule for now on. If anyone else breaks that rule, I will permanently close all asks. 

And lastly, please remember that I AM NOT exclusively Miraculous related! I have other fandoms too~ My other ones include:

Disney

Dolls (MH, Barbie, Bratz, RH, MyScene, EAH)

Nintendo

Mortal Kombat

Total Drama

Studio Ghibli 

YOU ARE ALWAYS FREE TO ASK ME QUESTIONS ABOUT THOSE FANDOMS AS WELL! I WILL HAPPILY ACCEPT THEM!

Please also follow me on all my other social medias:

AO3

Art Blog

DeviantART

Fanfiction

FurAffinity (HEAVILY NSFW! MINORS DNI!)

Instagram

Newgrounds (HEAVILY NSFW! MINORS DNI!)

Twitter (HEAVILY NSFW! MINORS DNI!)

Wattpad

Have an awesome day everyone~

[gerrycoco]

Here are chapter 4 and 5 of the TOL fanfic I’m writing based on @nwarrior777 comic. I’d been meaning to post chapter 4 a while back but hadn’t been sure where my cut off was between these two chapters until I finished them today. 

Hope you enjoy and more should be coming soon hopefully! 

You can also read this fic on ao3

Chapter 4 

The weeks ticked away slowly but surely at the Academy, summer turning into fall and steadily veering into winter. I continued to have the best of fun with Tamara doing all sorts of shenanigans.

With the end of October came Halloween where she snuck us out to go trick or treating when Halloween came around. As we finished up grabbing as much candy as we could, I only half noticed how cold the weather was becoming.

A few weeks later there came the first snowfall, which everyone was super excited about. After a particularly big snowfall most of the residents of the Academy, myself and Tamara included, found ourselves in the outdoor courtyard making snowmen.

Given my nature of not being very good at anything, my own attempts at making a snowman were quite subpar. I could see others not far away snickering among themselves, probably whispering about how ironic it was that someone with ice powers was so bad at stuff involving snow.

I was rather preoccupied by my increasing discomfort at being in the cold to really notice them. Tamara, however, glared in their direction as she joined me after reappearing from having gone to get some extra accessories for our snowmen. "Don't listen to them, Demian," she said, "this isn't a competition or anything, the whole point is just to have fun."

"Yeah I know," I replied, trying to blow on my hands to get them warmer, which only made things worse as with my powers all I did was blow frost over my fingers. It was then that I realized that I didn't have to go about making a snowman the old fashion way. Stretching my hands out in front of me me I tried summoning the snow around me to form into a shape.

"Demian maybe that isn't a good idea," Tamara said, her voice filled with concern, "the doctors told you to be careful about how long you spend in the snow and you already look really cold. I think we should go back inside."

"Hang on, just give me a minute," I managed to reply despite my teeth chattering loudly due to how cold I was. A small crowd of others had come by to watch curiously and I was not about to give them another reason to tease me. Within moments I'd accumulated a pile of snow that I was twisting and bending with frost from my own hands. I’d stopped shivering by then so I ignored how painfully cold I was feeling and concentrated to finish what I was doing.

Soon I had made a full sized snowman, but this time shaped like an actual human. "Tada," I said, with difficulty, now that my whole face felt frozen, "say hello to snow Tamara!" The others all gasped as they came closer to inspect the near perfect snow and ice replica of my friend.

Tamara herself however looked at me, a very stern expression on her face as she grabbed my hand and teleported us inside. Once she was done she dropped my hand and glared at me, looking quite mad. "What were you thinking?! That was dangerous!" she exclaimed loudly.

"What do you mean?" I meant to ask, surprised by how angry she looked. I never got the chance to do so though as everything suddenly went dark.

***********************************************

"You got him here just in time so thankfully he's going to be alright," I heard an unknown voice say.

I groaned as I tried to stir, finding that my whole body was tingling from the sensation of me slowly defrosting. With difficulty I managed to open my eyes, to see that I was in the back room of the infirmary.

"What, what happened?" I asked, the words slightly slurred as my mouth and tongue still hadn't regained full sensation.

"You did something really stupid is what happened," Tamara spat out, angrily wiping tears from her eyes. She then ran out of the room, leaving me alone with who I now saw was a nurse.

“Tamara wait!” I called out. I tried to sit up so I could go after her but realized I was still too numb to do so.

“Woah take it easy there,” the nurse said, putting a hand on my shoulder to prevent me from trying again. “You need to stay lying down for a while longer, your body likely can’t tolerate going into an upright position just yet,” he explained to me. “Right now you need to rest. The doctor should be here shortly to check up on you to make sure you’re doing alright.”

I sighed unhappily but nodded in resignation. The image of Tamara’s face was burnt into my mind as I replayed the scene again over and over again. She had looked so scared and hurt, I felt terrible for putting her through what I imagined was a rather frightening experience.

My wallowing was interrupted by the arrival of the doctor, who I saw was the same I had met when first arriving at the Academy. “We meet again young man,” he said, though he clearly was far from delighted to be seeing me at the present. “That was a very foolish thing you did back there.”

“Yeah I know…” I replied, feeling the guilt weigh on my chest. Added to the fact that I fail at basically everything, I’ve also never exactly been known for being a particularly smart person. Even back at home, my family would usually avoid leaving me alone for extended periods of time.

“It’s a good thing your friend was there and that she was able to teleport you back inside when she did,” the doctor went on, his brows creasing into a concerned frown. He looked over at the monitor I’d been hooked up to and then picked up the chart on my bedside to examine it as well. “Thankfully you hadn’t gone far beyond moderate hypothermia and so your loss of consciousness was likely a form of rewarming shock.”

“I… I didn’t realize it had gotten that bad..” I said, feeling quite scared myself now that the reality of what had just happened was sinking in. “I wasn’t even shivering at the end.”

“Well that’s because shivering is only associated with the milder forms of hypothermia,” the doctor explained, putting the chart down and pulling out a small flashlight from his pocket. He then proceeded to point it in front of each eye and had me follow the beam with my gaze. “We already knew that you would be more sensitive to cold, but it appears now that because of your powers you’ve gone from warm blooded to cold blooded, no pun intended.”

“You mean, like a lizard?” I asked, my brain feeling a bit fuzzy as I tried to process what the doctor was telling me while spots danced in my vision from having the flashlight directed at my eyes.

“Yes precisely, or almost anyway,” the doctor replied, “cold-blooded creatures can’t internally cool themselves off while you have no problem with that. However, like them, you appear to have difficulty with generating sufficient body heat without some external help, which would explain why you progressed so quickly into an increasing hypothermic state.”

I simply blinked at him in response, his sciency explanations were too much for my thawing brain to understand. He appeared to see the look of overall confusion in my eyes and he gave me a small half-smile as he put the flashlight away in his pocket.

“The point is,” he went on, “from now on you will have to take extra special care to make sure you only spend short periods of time in cold environments.”

********************************************* I took the doctor’s word very seriously once I was allowed to leave the infirmary. Not only did I completely avoid going outside, I also made sure to always have an extra warm sweater as well as a hoodie wherever I went. While it might have been overkill, I didn’t want to risk anything happening again.

Mostly I kept to myself as the others gave me looks whenever I was in the common areas or the cafeteria. They had either been there to see me almost freeze to death or had heard about it as gossip spread rapidly around the Academy. I therefore spent the next few days in my room waiting for something new to happen so they wouldn’t be focused on me anymore. Time passed slowly though as I spent it alone seeing Tamara and I hadn’t spoken since the incident.

While normally she was constantly popping into my room to hang out, almost a week went by without me seeing her at all. She had obviously been very upset by my actions and I figured she was still mad at me about it. I really wanted to go and apologize, but, because of her teleportation powers, Tamara was very good at making sure she wasn’t able to be found if she didn’t want to be.

After a few days I decided it had gone on for long enough and decided to park myself outside her room. I figured if I stayed there at one point she’d have no choice but to talk to me. There was always the risk of her teleporting in and out of her room without ever having to use the door, but Tamara could usually only teleport so many times in a day before it started draining her too much and she risked ending up in the wrong place.

I decided then to go and wait outside her bedroom door after dinner time since she was more likely to be tired then and therefore less likely to use her powers to disappear on me. I’d been sitting there for a while, just scrolling on my phone as I waited, when I finally saw her walking down the hallway towards her room. She hadn’t noticed me yet, her head bent and gaze stuck around her shoes, looking about as miserable as I had been feeling.

“Tamara!” I called out, popping her out of her thoughts as her head snapped up at the sound of my voice. At this point she was about ten steps away from her door and I could see in her eyes that she was weighing whether it was worth it to try teleporting past me.

I stood up quickly and walked the distance between us, putting my hand on her arm. “Tamara, please,” I pleaded, “can we talk? I’d really like to apologize…”

She grimaced for a moment then let out a sigh. “Fine,” she replied, removing my hand and going to her bedroom door. I followed closely as she opened it, hoping that she wouldn’t dash in just to slam the door in my face. Instead she held the door open and gestured for me to come inside.

I went and sat down on the chair by the desk while Tamara shut the door before going to sit on the end of her bed. She glanced quickly in my direction before looking away and crossing her arms, visibly still quite upset with me.

I’d spent the time waiting outside her room going through how best to apologize to her, but in that moment all scenarios vanished from my mind as we sat in silence while I tried to figure out the best way to start. “So… I guess I’ll just start off by saying that I’m aware that what I did was really stupid and dangerous and I’m sorry for doing that to you…”

Tamara was silent for a beat before turning to look at me. “What were you even thinking doing that?” she interrogated. “Even without using your powers you’re more at risk when it’s cold, but with what you did you just made it 10 times worse! So what, you just couldn’t help but show off, right?”

I stared at her, surprised for a moment. It hadn’t occurred to me that by using my powers I’d put myself in even greater danger, although thinking about it now it did make sense. “No I wasn’t trying to show off, at least I don’t think so…” I replied, feeling quite uneasy. “I was failing at making a snowman the normal way just like I fail with everything else and then I remembered I have ice powers so, like, why not use the one thing I’m good at that’s actually relevant to the situation for once.”

“You’re telling me you made a snow person that looked just like me and it wasn’t just so you could look good in front of the others after they had made fun of you?” Tamara retorted, looking rather skeptical.

“I mean, maybe a tiny bit,” I admitted, “but mostly I did it because I thought it would make you smile. You’re always doing nice things for me so I just wanted to be able to do something nice for you too for once.”

“R-really?” Tamara asked, her tone now very different.

“Yeah, I just thought it would be funny for you to have a snow twin,” I said, letting out a nervous chuckle.

At this Tamara finally gave me a small smile before it fell away and she suddenly looked quite sad. “I guess I thought you had ignored my warning because you were too busy trying to impress the others. And maybe deep down a part of me was also scared that if it worked you were going to find new friends and wouldn’t want to hang out with me anymore…”

“What? Tamara no of course not…” I replied, getting up from the chair and going to sit down next to her on the bed. “You’re my best friend Tamara, you’re my only friend really. You’re also the reason nothing worse happened since you pretty much saved my life by teleporting us back inside when you did.”

“Damn right I did,” Tamara retorted with a smirk. “I hope you learned your lesson because I might not always be there to save your butt.”

“Oh don’t worry, I don’t plan on making the same mistake again,” I laughed. Tamara gave me a real smile this time and leaned over to hug me tightly.

“Okay enough talk about snow and ice now, how about we go get some hot cocoa?” I suggested.

“Good idea,” Tamara replied before teleporting us out of her room.

Chapter 5 

While I was quite happy to be hanging out with Tamara once again, our time together afterwards was somewhat short lived. Her one year at the Academy was coming to an end and shortly before Christmas she returned home to her family. Thankfully, during the holidays, the Academy made special allowances where they hosted an annual Christmas party and other fun events for family and friends. With this I was kept well occupied up until New Years after which things went back to normal, leaving me to find myself mostly alone once again.

I was able to see my family during visiting weeks of course, but I still wasn’t having much luck in finding any other friends now that Tamara was gone. No one really cared about me when I wasn’t using my powers and ever since my last incident I’d basically decided against doing anything ice related unless it was actually useful, which in the dead of winter it really wasn’t.  

Although my own one year milestone was still a good few months away, I figured I could start looking at different job possibilities to look forward to once I was able to return home. It was better than dying of boredom in the meantime. After all, the Academy had a department set up for the exact purpose of counseling and preparing those who wished to find themselves jobs once their time was up.

This didn’t end up being the most successful endeavor however. While the counselors were very nice and tried to look at different options with me, they had a hard time finding anything that would be a good fit. I’m not sure what I was expecting really, since by being not so great at basically everything I didn’t exactly have very many employable skills. The other issue is that usually the main solution is to try to find something that works with a person’s specific powers. In my case though, this didn’t pan out much since all the actual real jobs that would hire someone with ice powers involved working in very cold environments, and I was not going to make that same mistake twice.

“Unfortunately the only other option I can find is volunteer work,” Lenny, the counselor who had been assigned my case, informed me. “That means you wouldn’t be paid, but it would still be something if ever you’re interested.”

I left the employment center feeling quite disappointed as I headed towards the cafeteria. It was family visiting day and my mom would be arriving soon. Multiple parents and other family members had already started arriving as I entered the cafeteria and sat down at a table while I waited. A few minutes later I felt a tap on my shoulder.

“Hi mom,” I said, doing my best to smile as I turned to hug her before she sat down next to me.

“What’s wrong honey?” my mom asked directly. “Something is up, I can tell.”

I blinked with surprise at this. I’d forgotten how perceptive my mom could be. “I… well…” I started, going on to explain to her my less than promising visit with the employment department. “So I might not be able to get an actual job once I’m done here…” I added, looking down at my hands, blinking my eyes madly as I tried not to cry.  

“I see,” my mother replied. She reached over to take one of my hands in her own and gave it a tight squeeze. I looked up at her to see her smiling warmly at me. “Demian, just remember that no matter what happens, whether you manage to find a job or not, you will always have a place at home waiting for you,” she said tenderly as her free hand went to wipe away a tear that had slid down my cheek.

I gave her a watery smile as I leaned in to hug her tightly. “Thank you mom, I love you,” I said, sniffling softly.

“I love you too sweetheart,” my mother replied, hugging me back just as tightly. “Always have and always will.

****************************************

After the visit with my mother I felt somewhat better about my future beyond the Academy. Though I still didn’t exactly know how I would ever manage to find a job, I also knew that I couldn’t give up trying.

My mood was also greatly improved by Tamara’s sudden and unexpected return to the Academy mid February. She’d had an unfortunate mishap with her powers, although she hadn’t really wanted to talk about it much upon her return. Bottom line was that she needed to be monitored at the Academy for another year now because of it. While I found that extremely unfortunate for her, I was also, rather selfishly, quite happy to have her back around.

It was only about a month later that she was finally willing to explain to me what had happened. Apparently when she had gone back home she had bumped into a former partner she had been dating not long before she had arrived at the Academy. They stayed in contact for the first little while after she had discovered her powers, however the long distance slowly became a strain on their relationship.

“At that point we agreed it was best to take a break and reconnect once I was able to go back home after my year was up,” Tamara explained to me.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me about this?” I asked, feeling surprised and almost a bit hurt that I’d never heard about this before.

“I guess I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high just in case it didn’t work out,” she replied. “In the end that’s what happened because when I finally saw them again they were dating someone else…”

“Oh Tamara… I’m so sorry…” I said, gently putting my hand on her shoulder.

“It’s okay,” she said, though she had a sad look in her eye. “It was for the best really, I don’t think we would’ve lasted very long in the end. But this happened on Valentine's Day of all days so needless to say I wasn’t feeling great after that. After seeing them together with their new partner I almost ran home, trying not to cry. I tried to teleport back but instead of my room I somehow ended up on Mars.”

“Mars?! You mean, like the planet?” I asked, shocked and confused.

“Yep,” Tamara replied. “Luckily I quickly teleported back to Earth, first in Antarctica and then at the top of the Eiffel Tower. It took a few tries but I finally made it home before coming back here and begging them to put me on blockators. I felt like I was going insane.”

“Wow that’s crazy,” I said, not sure what else to say at this point.

“Yeah…” Tamara acquiesced, her gaze downcast. “I’ve never really been lucky with dating anyway so I guess it’s not really all that surprising. I am a bit much after all and I’m not really dating material…”

“Absolutely not!” I protested, offended that my friend could think so low of herself. “You are funny and adorable and super thoughtful and anyone would be lucky to date you!” I exclaimed, tapping the table with insistence with every new point I added.

Tamara laughed at my display, most of the sadness now gone from her eyes. “Thank you, I really needed that,” she giggled. “But that makes me think, what about you? I don’t think you’ve ever mentioned anything about dating either.”

“Oh,” I replied meekly, now that I was being put on the spot. “I haven’t ever really dated to be honest…”

“Really? Like you’ve never had a girlfriend… or a boyfriend?” Tamara asked, leaving the door open for me to fill in the blank.

I could feel myself blushing at this, feeling a bit embarrassed about the topic. “I, uh… I guess I’m not totally sure where I stand in terms of sexuality… it’s never felt super clear for me and I haven’t really had the chance to figure it out for myself quite yet.”

“That’s okay then,” Tamara said, smiling kindly. “There’s no rush for you to find an answer or anything. And if ever you do figure it out and feel like dating whoever it is will also be lucky to be with someone like you.”

“Thanks Tamara,” I said, smiling back at her.

“Just for the record, you’re great and everything, but you’re not my type dude,” Tamara stated matter of factly. We looked at each other seriously for a moment before both bursting into laughter so hard we were in tears.

**************************** Before I knew it there was only one month left before I was to leave the Academy. Poor Lenny was still doing his best to try and find me a job but unless I miraculously developed an actual useful workskill there was only so much he could do.

Of course I was allowed to stay on at the Academy once my time was up in order to volunteer and help with the newcomers. I would be allowed to room and board there by doing so but it wasn’t an actual job or anything and that wasn’t something that actually paid. Because of the laws and regulations put in place for awakened, there needed to remain a place for them to stay if they weren’t able to return to society for one reason or another. To avoid people taking advantage of that and using it as an easy way out to not have to work, the Academy stipulated that they would not pay permanent/long term residents. Instead it was a barter type system where those who wished to stay had to contribute in some form or fashion according to their powers or abilities.

Some people, both within and outside the Academy, still saw it as a lazy option while others saw it as the epitome of despair. I thought both those views were rather extreme and unfair. However, I also didn’t want to stay at the Academy forever. I wasn’t ready to believe that there was truly nothing out there for me, not yet at least. The only thing that made me feel better was knowing that Tamara was also still going to be around for a good few more months even if I did wind up having to stay at the Academy for longer.

There was also the option of going back home to my parents for a while before coming back to stay at the Academy. That way I could stay with them for a bit and then move back into the Academy the next time I would be coming in for my regular post one year check in to make sure my powers were still stable. As time went on I figured I would go with that option since I hadn't gone home in nearly a year and had mainly seen my parents during visits. That way I would get to spend some time with the rest of my family but also come back to be with Tamara for the time she had left at the Academy.

I was starting to pack my stuff when I heard an unexpected knock at my door. I was confused as to who it could be, since Tamara usually just let herself in at this point. Putting down the shirt I’d been trying to fold I went to open the door, surprised to see Lenny standing there. “Lenny, what are you doing here?”

“Hi Demian,” Lenny greeted me, “I know you’ve been planning on going home soon but I have some interesting news for you that might just change your mind…”

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia!! I love your work and have consistently been reading it for over a couple of years, currently every TIP update u post makes my days a bit brighter 🥰

It is also thanks to you that I started posting fics last year after more than three years not doing so. While some of my fics have been wildly popular in a fandom some others don't seem to have landed as well within the same one, so I wanted to ask, what do you do about those stories that excite you but that don't seem to have found an audience yet, or that they never will?? How do you work through the fear of them not being worth your writing time?

Have a lovely day 💚🍀

Hi anon,

This is a hugely complicated question.

For a start, for writing that is for income, if I think it won't do well, I don't write it (although only to a point, I wrote The Gentle Wolf because asexual representation mattered more to me than sales, but it still hit hard when that turned out to be true). I don't like to mess with things that pay the bills. I hate that I have to look at metrics in that sense, but I do. But thankfully we're not talking about original fiction:

For fanfiction, things are different, and there might be a lot of different things going on.

For a start, almost always, when people ask me this question they are still getting some interaction on their fics, just not as much as they wanted or imagined. It can really help to like, remember to be grateful for every person who interacts, and not just the 'quantity' of interactions.

I think like... I am a big fan of 'write for yourself' but it's also true that I write for interaction on AO3. Just... only you can decide how much of the former will compensate for not much of the latter. There are people out there who are like 'if I was only writing for myself I'd keep it in my computer.' I'm not like that, and I don't vibe that way. I write for myself but enjoy sharing it, in case something that worked well for me, works well for a stranger. Everyone is different and that's eventually going to be what the crux of this post is, lol.

Popularity is influenced by the fact that some fandoms are more dead than others and lack interaction across the board in general (Persona 5, for example, is notorious for this). Some fandoms like certain tropes more than others. Some fandoms are massively popular for three weeks and then die almost immediately. And so on and so on.

Ultimately fandom is fickle, it's loyal to the stories they like more than the authors they like, and you can't predict what will be a flash in the pan and what won't be, and it doesn't always have anything to do with the quality of the fic itself or the tags you used. (This is sort of like how sketches will sometimes get tens of thousands of notes and a 300 hour single piece of quality art will get 400 notes, while a professional artist tears their hair out in pieces).

Sometimes, a fic will be more interesting to me than the reality of fandom interaction and I'll write it. Touching and Melting for Houseki no Kuni is a good example of that. A tiny fic for honestly an extremely quiet and tiny western fandom in terms of fic, which looks like it had a lot of interaction 3 years on, but had almost nothing in the first few months. And sometimes the fic idea won't be more interesting to me than the reality of the fandom interaction, and I won't write it. I go story idea by story idea.

But I've also taught myself to really think about a) the way I talk about interaction and b) to really value every individual that leaves a kudos, or comments, or public bookmarks. When I sort of started out with Shadows and Light, I remember being so bummed when a story didn't do as well, and thinking that meant it was doing 'badly.' Let's be real, Game Theory when it started out had less than a tenth of the interaction of SALverse, and I thought I had failed. If I'd given up at that point, well... all of this wouldn't exist.

And then just looking at fanfiction, it's like.. well, sometimes fics do a lot worse than other fics, there's usually at least one person who will read it and leave a kudos. I remind myself that to that person, the story mattered or meant something, which meant I didn't just write it for myself anymore, there is interaction.

This is much harder on stories that have zero comments, and zero kudos, obviously, no one likes to feel as though they are shouting into the void. But it's also my experience that writers who've had popular fics, don't often have 'zero kudos fics' when they say a fic is doing really badly. They just..maybe need to value the individual interactions alongside how good a 'mass' of interaction can feel, or alongside how good 'quantity' can feel. I do really think that's a skill that a lot of like...enthusiastic fanfiction writers have mastered or at least are learning.

Sometimes it really helps to have somewhere in private to vent to when you feel emotionally overloaded or insecure, and honestly sometimes it can help to re-evaluate.

For some people, writing fic when a certain threshold of interaction isn't reached, just isn't worth it. I can't convince people like that to keep writing. If there's a deep seated 'this isn't worth it' then stop doing it.

If there's 'this is insecurity and I'm not good at valuing everyone and I feel down right now but it'll pass' then...work quietly and patiently and compassionately on strengthening your resilience and your trust in your own writing, and your ability to value individuals who interact and engage on your fics. If you don't do this, you may end up bitter and resentful, and that can influence your entire relationship with fandom, and worse, the people who interact with your fics.

Also, finally:

How do you work through the fear of them not being worth your writing time?

In fanfiction, I do not base whether something is worth my writing time on the quantity of people who will interact with it. It is worth my writing time because I'm really excited to write it, and I want to share it, even if people don't respond immediately, or even if only one person ever comments.

I don't...have this fear that you have based on the things you're basing it on - my fears are different to yours. It's fanfiction. It's worth my writing time because I'm eager to write or fix or alter something in canon or I want to make the two boys fuck because no one else was going to, and because I can generally trust that one person out there will probably read it, even if I go back over 10 years ago and my Livejournal fics were only getting like one comment per chapter. If that.

If your metric for 'worthiness' is 'quantity of interaction' then - I'm the wrong person to talk to, I'm literally motivated to write fanfiction by completely different factors to you. I didn't start SAL knowing it would get popular, I thought people would hate me because I killed Jamie in the first chapter, and up until that point none of my fics had been popular.

I can't convince you on the things that convince me, when our foundational motivations are different. If you want quantity and that's what 'worth' means to you, I don't know what to tell you, I would never have written SAL in the first place if I hadn't been the kind of person to just write fanfic for almost no / or no interactions, and still enjoy that single person who said 'I really enjoyed this thank you for writing.' I didn't spring into being as someone who was writing fics that got a lot of interaction, that came...years later, y'know?

So what is worthy to me sounds like it's also just different to what is worthy to you. Ultimately, there are people only writing fanfiction on the basis of how many people interact with them, and...I don't know how those people keep choosing to write honestly, and I think a lot eventually abandon it, because there's no algorithm to crack in order to be successful every time. Maybe...remind yourself that you've had popular fics in the past and therefore you will again? And that you can't get to that point without less popular fics on the step ladder in the meantime? Therefore, even a fic that doesn't feel 'worth your time' will be a stepping stone to the one that is?

Imho, I think my fics are worth my time because I enjoy reading them once they're finished. And then I think they're worth my time because other people enjoy them. Having a popular fic is fun and nice, but honestly, often a fluke, and doesn't always say anything about the quality of the writing (some of the most popular Yuri! on Ice stories with 10,000+ kudos were like...not always...the most well-written stories, but people were desperate for Content, and it was certainly that).

But yeah, how I think about fanfiction is very different to how I think about 'fiction that has to earn an income.' Ultimately I don't want to apply the latter philosophies to the former, other people do. If you're applying 'this needs to hit a certain threshold of interaction to be worthy' as your basis for writing fanfiction, then...we have very very different motivations for creating content in fandom! And I'm the wrong person to ask.

As I said, it's complicated, lol.

[goneadrift]

I posted 2 996 times in 2021

440 posts created (15%)

2556 posts reblogged (85%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 5.8 posts.

I added 3 368 tags in 2021

#royai - 841 posts

#riza hawkeye - 586 posts

#roy mustang - 548 posts

#fmab - 455 posts

#fma - 295 posts

#art - 197 posts

#personal - 146 posts

#suits - 140 posts

#video - 82 posts

#royai fic - 78 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#i read so much fanfiction in english that i can think about the whole emotional and romantic stuff in english much quicker than in russian

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

It surprises me every time how joyful and carefree Harvey is now that he is with Donna 😯 Like wow, when they are together in private it's like all his burdens go away and he has can just smile happily. Not even in a smug or flirtatious way - just so openly happy. Beautiful.

47 notes • Posted 2021-03-28 04:58:27 GMT

#4

Hold Me Closer

read on AO3

Relationship: Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang

Rating: General Audiences

Summary:

Riza prided herself on almost always knowing what her General was up to, but this time she felt at loss. After lunch he called her in his office and without much explanation asked to swing by his apartment that evening. She didn’t question his motives then, they had their hands full with the upcoming relocation so it wasn’t unbecoming to take more work home as well. But the display before her didn’t look like a ‘working environment’ at all.

A/N: belately posted gift for @niconiconina ! Thank you for being such a great listener and talking companion 😘

49 notes • Posted 2021-08-18 15:53:50 GMT

#3

I have this thought... The circle on Riza's back - is it working? Roy has a fraction of it on his gloves but is it possible to use Riza's circle instead? Would he need to touch her? Maybe not since he doesn't exactly touch his circle when he uses gloves.

Also Roy craved the circle on his hand and it worked! But did the actual process of activating that circle hurt? Roy already was in bad condition so there is no way to determine if there was an additional pain.

I've read one fanfic where team met an alchemist who could activate circles remotely and that affected Riza in a bad way.

I am sure that Roy would not dare to use Riza like that. 

However it made me think: what if in the beginning when he was just studying, he activated it on accident?

Or what if some mission goes horribly wrong, Roy has no gloves and no way to draw another circle, it's a life of death situation and Riza, knowing all that, asks him or signals him that he can do this.

I feel that Riza must hate to be put in such position but she is that selfless.

Oh, I‘ve looked up the tattoo: Roy burned the border of circle too so it is useless (thankfully).

But we don't know when exactly Roy did it. Maybe still in Ishval or maybe later.

What if the promise to Riza was not enough to build his resolve to do it? Then something bad happens, he is pushed to use Riza's circle, she is hurt (definitely emotionally but maybe even physically) and now that finally convinces Roy to get rid of the tattoo.

52 notes • Posted 2021-01-13 20:10:15 GMT

#2

- Are you ok? - Will you come back? - Yes. - Then I'm okay. See you tomorrow

disastrous babies in 07x13

I don’t even know how to start to unpack this.

75 notes • Posted 2021-03-13 19:34:26 GMT

#1

Let's talk about Roy and his alchemy today!

As far as I remember he manipulates oxygen, therefore controlling the strength and amount of fire coming from a spark.

And in manga this process is explained by Havoc.

Flame array is in a plain view sewed on his gloves. Unless there are parts of array sewed from inside... But then during battle with Lust he carved the exact same array so nothing is hidden.

So the question is... If the array and general mechanism is a common knowledge, what stops any other alchemist from learning this form of alchemy as well?

Or Roy told about the process only to his team but otherwise kept it in secret? Or there must be something more to the mechanism than Roy let on?

I mean, even though the array on Riza's back is partially destroyed, Riza still is worried about this secret and is determined to take it to the grave. So casually explaining the process seems reckless if that's indeed the truth.

125 notes • Posted 2021-04-19 13:53:34 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[animezing-fandoms]

Learning to Love (Gruvia Stone Age Omake Fanfic) Chapter 1: The Wrath of the Rod

Masterlist

Warnings: Typical Gray Fullbuster nudity 😂

Relationships: Gruvia

Summary: A Gruvia Stone Age Omake fic! In retaliation for Lucy being kidnapped by the male tribe, the females kidnap a male member from their tribe, Gray and leave him in Juvia's care. Will this beautiful female known as Juvia be able to melt the ice around his heart and will both of them learn what it is to love someone?

A/N: I was inspired by @onecoloredlily‘s nalu stone age omake so I decided to write one for gruvia! I hope you all enjoy it! You can also find this fic on Ao3 and Fanfiction.net!

---------------

Today was truly a day unlike any other in the female tribe. While they were normally all in high spirits as they talked with each other and went about their daily tasks, today they were all somber because Lucy was missing. They all felt really guilty about it too because they had won the battle, until the male that had captured Lucy unleased his sacred rod on them and they all ran like cowards. They felt ashamed for leaving Lucy like that. But they had never seen something so large and powerful, they didn't know what to make of it. Thankfully, Erza had gone back there on her own to bring back Lucy.

The girls were all sitting in the village center together, sulking over Lucy's absence when they spotted Erza riding her panther towards their village. They all stood up and cheered upon her return only to be confused when they noticed that instead of Lucy, Erza had one of the members of the male tribe hog-tied and gagged on the back of her panther.

A blue-haired female amongst the tribe gasps, recognizing the male as the one that she took down when they attacked the male tribe.

Erza dismounts her animal and roughly pulls the dark-haired, shirtless male off of the back of her panther. He glares at her, trying to speak behind the gag and Erza pulls it off for him.

"Sorry about that Gray." She says in a monotone voice. "I just couldn't stand hearing you complain about your situation the entire way down here and Honora was starting to get agitated and would have most likely eaten you if you kept whining." Erza explains while petting her panther Honora's shoulder.

"I was whining because you snuck into my hut in the middle of the night while I was sleeping and kidnapped me!" Gray exclaims.

"You managed to capture him without awakening his sacred rod!" Wendy, the youngest of the group exclaims.

"Yes!" Erza proudly proclaims. "I am a skilled warrior! I would not let his mammoth awaken so easily to catch me off-guard.

"Well done Erza." An elder woman says.

Gray watches as the crowd of females parts and an elder female approaches him.

"You have completed the mission to perfection as expected. Well done." The older woman says.

"Thank you Grand Elder." Erza says and bows her head in respect.

"Who the hell are you?" Gray asks curtly.

Erza shot him an evil glare from the disrespect of the elder woman in his tone and he felt a shiver of fear run down his spine.

"My name is Porlyusica." The woman introduces herself. "And I am the Grand Elder, the leader of this tribe."

"Um, Grand Elder?" A white haired female in the group asks cautiously.

"Yes Mira?" Porlyusica asks.

"I thought the mission was to retrieve Lucy, so why has Erza returned with a member of the male tribe instead?" Mira asks.

"Initially that was the plan but upon hearing Erza's description of the power of the sacred rod belonging to the male that captured her, I deemed it to be too dangerous to attempt to rescue her by attacking him. The males favor brute strength to settle their disputes but us females prefer to cooperate with that which surrounds us. Therefore, I figured a negotiation without any violence would be more beneficial to our tribe. So just as one of their males kidnapped one of our females, I had Erza kidnap one of their males. If the male tribe wishes to have him back, then they will return Lucy to us in exchange for him." Porlyusica explains.

All of the females murmur in agreement amongst each other.

While they all converse, Gray looks around and blushes when he makes eye contact with the blue-haired female that had taken him down during the females attack on his tribe. He seemed to remember Erza calling her Juvia? He felt something stirring inside of him in his lower belly when he saw her, and it only churned more when he saw her blush.

"Well he may be our prisoner now but he could still be dangerous." Mira says. "We've seen what kind of power the sacred rod can wield, what if he manages to get his hands on one of us and uses the power of his sacred rod against us?"

"You're right, he may be subdued now but if he is going to be living amongst us then there is a greater chance that he could get lucky and catch us off guard." Erza says and raises her sword. "In that case we should remove his sacred rod before he has the chance to harm us with it!"

"Are you insane! Get away from me with that thing!" Gray screams and scrambles back, away from the woman who threatened to emasculate him.

His body stiffens when the back of his head meets something soft and warm. He looks up and his face turns red when he sees the underside of Juvia's breasts and her equally flushed face staring down at him from between them. It was then that he realized his head was in-between her thighs again like it had been when she sat on his face during the attack and when he remembered this his sacred rod incurred its wrath.

The girls all gasp as Gray keels over and curls into a ball as he mumbles something about "these damn females" and "making my sacred rod angry".

"See there is nothing to fear, his sacred rod renders him weak and helpless upon the sight of us females. We have nothing to fear from this male as long as he does not touch any of the areas of our bodies that we keep covered with our pelts." Porlyusica explains.

She notices Juvia looking worried for the male's condition while the other members of the tribe laugh at him. Juvia knelt down beside him and held her hand out towards him, debating on whether or not she should touch him to offer him some sort of comfort, and in that moment the elder woman immediately knew what to do with their captive.

"Juvia, I will be placing this male in your care." Porlyusica declares.

Multiple exclamations of confusion erupt from the crowd of females.

"Juvia's care? What does that mean?" Juvia asks.

"It means that I want this male to live in your hut with you and give him food, water, shelter, and anything else he needs to feel welcome." Porlyusica explains.

"Yes, Juvia understands that part but, why her?" Juvia asks curiously.

"You defeated him during the attempt to rescue Lucy did you not? I'm sure this male can't shake the memory of you sitting on his face from his mind. That's why his sacred rod is more reactive to you than it is towards any of the others." Porlyusica says and smirks when Gray blushes and looks away.

"Juvia's hut is also located on an island in the middle of the lake, it's near impossible to get there. Juvia is the only one of us who is good enough in the water to get across." Erza adds. "It would be impossible for him to escape. Juvia was a wise choice Elder."

"Exactly my dear, now Juvia, take Gray to your hut and bring Raina with you as extra protection should he attempt to use his strength against you to escape." Porlyusica instructs.

"Yes Grand Elder." Juvia says and bows her head.

"Wait who the hell is Raina?" Gray asks.

He feels scared again when he hears a growl behind him. Then he turns his head and screams when he sees another panther growling at him.

Juvia smiles and scratches the large cat behind one of it's ears.

"This is Raina." Juvia introduces.

-------------

Gray laid across Raina's back as Juvia rode sitting up on the panther as they made their way towards the shore of the lake.

"So when Erza was bringing me over here she told me that you females somehow bonded with these panthers when they were cubs and that's why they let you ride them and protect you?" Gray asks.

"Yes. Juvia has known Raina since she found her with the other panthers in her litter that the others took in to care for. They help us travel places quicker and protect us from other dangerous animals. And Raina will attack you if you try to harm Juvia when we're alone together in Juvia's hut. So don't try any funny business with that sacred rod." Juvia says.

"Relax I don't want to hurt you. You're not the one that kidnapped me from my tribe. You're just following your Elder's orders, I've got nothing against you." Gray says.

Juvia was thankful that Gray was facing away from her so he couldn't see her blush slightly. Why did her chest tighten when he said he wasn't mad at her? Why should she care what he thinks? He's a stranger, she doesn't know him and he doesn't know her.

"That's why I'm planning on making my escape during the night while you're asleep so I don't have to hurt you." Gray says.

Juvia simply smiles and chuckles.

"You won't get far, Raina is normally nocturnal, she hunts at night and she'll surely take you down if you try to run away. She's only awake right now because Juvia needs her to carry you across the river." Juvia confidently explains.

"Alright then, I guess I have no choice but to fight you during the day." Gray says.

"Then Juvia will just beat you again like she did when we attacked your tribe." Juvia reminds him.

"Well, I hate to break it to you, but I've never lost to the same person twice. If you fight me again I'll definitely beat you." Gray promises.

"Even if you did then you will not make it very far." Juvia chuckles. "If Juvia screams then Raina will wake up and attack you, and even if you did manage to get past her, you would never escape the island."

"Oh please!" Gray scoffs. "I can handle a little water-"

They cleared the brush and now the lake was in view, and Gray's heart dropped to his stomach. It was the largest lake he'd ever seen. It was a huge expanse of water and the forest that was on the other side of it looked so tiny. He could make out the shore on the other side and the rocks on it and the trees and brush but it was still far enough away that it made Gray gulp. That was a lot of water. Escaping that by swimming would be near impossible! How the hell does this female get across every day?

"So you're going to swim that far in this deep, choppy water to get to your hut?" Gray asks. "In those heavy fur pelts?"

"Yes and no. Juvia is very good in the water. She has been her whole life. But she does not swim in these heavy pelts." Juvia says with a smile and dismounts her panther.

Gray watches as she goes over to a dead tree trunk and his eyebrows raise in surprise when he sees her pull on a handle that had been carved onto the side and a door opens to the inside of the trunk. Then his face turns red and he starts to sweat when he sees her take off the pelt she was wearing around her hips and place it inside the trunk, revealing her curvy figure to him and he felt his sacred rod begin to awaken in anger again. She took off her leopard print hat, and then removed the light pelt sleeves she wore on her arms and the fur cuffs and collar she wore around her neck. She then made matters worse by removing her sandals and the light pelt she was wearing on one of her legs, revealing her creamy pale skin and the shapely structure of her leg. When she does the same to the other leg he finally keels over, succumbing to the wrath of his sacred rod.

When Juvia turns around after having stripped down to nothing but her leopard pelt top and the light pelt she wore under her skirt that covered her rear and her front she was surprised to find Gray on the ground in pain.

"Oh no! Are you alright?" She exclaims and rushes to his side and kneels beside him.

"I'll be fine once you put some damn pelts on! Your female body is making my sacred rod angry!" Gray complains.

"Well then tell it to stop being angry because Juvia cannot redress until we're safely across the lake. If Juvia wears her heavy pelts when she goes to swim then she will drown. In fact, Juvia is only wearing these two pelts because they are lighter and won't weigh her down. If you were not present then Juvia would have done what she always does when swimming to her hut and stripped naked completely-"

"Gah!" Gray exclaims and curls up on his side.

This time instead of being concerned, Juvia furrowed her brows and looked at him observantly. It would appear that just the mere suggestion of her being naked was enough to invoke another wave of rage from Gray's sacred rod.

--------------

His situation did not get any better once they were in the water. Gray was still tied up and he rode on top of Raina while she swam through the choppy water, and Juvia swam beside her. If Gray thought that seeing this much of Juvia's pale moonlight skin showing was enough to invoke a large wrath from his sacred rod he had never felt before, then seeing it covered in droplets of water that sparkled in the sunlight as her intriguing body moved effortlessly through the water was only making things worse for him and he had to look away in order to calm himself.

Once his mind was clear he looked at how rough the water was and realizes that he was impressed with how Juvia was able to maneuver so easily through it. She must have been doing this for awhile and she must be a lot stronger than she seems to be able to push herself through the water for this long. Even if he did somehow manage to subdue Juvia and her panther, getting off of the island itself would be impossible for him. His only hope of returning to his tribe now was that they would agree to trade Natsu's female for him. Which knowing how stubborn Natsu can be, means that he's going to be in Juvia's hut for awhile. So he might as well start getting comfortable around her. Which will be difficult to do since she seems to make his sacred rod so angry.

After what seemed like forever to him, they reach the shore of the island and Juvia goes over to a rock with a pelt on top of it and wraps it around herself to dry off. She then skips over to Gray and Raina.

"Now that we are on Juvia's island she can untie you." Juvia explains.

Relieved to be free of the irritating rope, Gray holds out his wrists to her.

She reaches for the rope to untie him but then she hesitates. Her face showing that she was deep in thought as she thought back to the conversation she had with the Grand Elder before she left the central village with Gray.

"Grand Elder, Juvia is worried about keeping this male, uh, Gray in her hut with her. Males are much stronger than females and Juvia has seen the power that could awaken from their sacred rods and she is worried that Gray could use this power against her." Juvia explained.

"My dear child do not fear the limp snake that hangs between the male's legs." Porlyusica chuckled. "You've seen what just looking at your chest and touching his head against your thigh did to him. The sacred rod is something that males stake their pride on. The bigger the rod, the better the male. Usually whoever has the largest sacred rod is the strongest. But it is actually us females who hold power over it. In most cases we are the ones who control it's actions. In my many years I have met a couple of males whose rod will become angry at the sight of another male. It was funny when I introduced two men like that together and then they were both squirming on the ground due to the wrath of their rods all day from just the sight of each other!" She cackled from the memory before continuing. "But in this male's case it's clear his rod takes interest in females so it will be very easy to control him. If he starts to annoy you or become a bit of a handful then just push your chest up, or sway your hips, or bend over and he'll be down for the count for at least a few minutes."

"Thank you for your wise advice Grand Elder, Juvia will certainly use it. But Juvia is worried about something else too. When the male that kidnapped Lucy grabbed her chest it made his sacred rod grow and it ignited an igny brighter than any of us have ever seen and it could have wiped us all out! What will happen if Gray manages to get his hands on Juvia's chest to awaken a power similar to that?" Juvia asks.

Porlyusica took a moment to think about her response.

"Well for him it wouldn't be a brilliant igny that comes from him but rather a deep freeze since Erza mentioned he is skilled with ice. And it is not just your chest that you should be concerned about him touching but…" Porlyusica's gaze trailed down Juvia's body and she gasped when she realized what Porlyusica was talking about and placed her hand over the front of her skirt.

"There too?" Juvia asks.

"Yes, if he somehow comes into contact with that I'll probably feel the chill from all the way over here." Porlyusica says with a small smirk. "But don't bring that part up to him. We don't want him potentially going after two places on your body."

"So how will Juvia keep him from touching her chest?" Juvia asks.

"You can just tell him not to, and if he is a good male then he will respect your wishes and not attempt to grab your chest. But if he is a lesser male than we think or he thinks that awakening his sacred rod's power is the only way out of his situation then Raina will take care of him before he can touch you." Porlyusica said.

"Before Juvia unties these ropes, she needs to tell you that she does not want you to grab her chest. You will be returned to your tribe once we get Lucy back and in the meantime Juvia will take care of and provide for you so there is no need for you to awaken your sacred rod to escape. If you try to grab Juvia's chest then Raina will bite your hands off." Juvia declares.

Gray gulps when he hears the panther growl from behind him.

"You have been warned Gray. Now Juvia will remove your bonds." Juvia declares.

She unties the ropes for him and does the same to the ropes on his feet.

"Thanks." He says curtly and rubs his chaffed wrists.

"No problem!" Juvia says and flashes him a sweet smile.

Gray arches an eyebrow, confused by how she could seem so stern and angry and then in a moment she was smiling and happy again.

Then her smile falls when she sees the rashes on his wrists from the rope being too tight. She reaches out and holds his wrist and Gray feels his heart jump into his throat from her soft and warm touch.

He pulls his wrist back from her hands. He never liked it when people touched him, even the males in his own tribe that he had grown up with, so there was no way he was going to let this strange female lay her hands on him. At least that's what he thought until he saw the worried look in her dark blue eyes. When he looked at her hurt expression he felt his throat tighten, and his instincts and his logic told him that was because he didn't like seeing this female upset. So he shocks himself and decides to go against his no touching rule and make an exception just this once because clearly she only wanted to see his wounds so she could tend to them. And for some reason, when he offers his wrist for her to take again and she gently runs her fingers along the rash, he feels some of the pain go away and it's replaced with a fluttering feeling in his chest and a warmth on his cheeks.

When Erza had kidnapped him she had been so rough with him. Her skin was soft like Juvia's but there was no kindness in her touch, only rage. But Juvia's touch held a gentler feeling. It unlocked some nostalgic memory of being touched like this before, many many years ago by someone he couldn't remember, but he definitely remembered how they touched him with kindness, care, and another emotion that he couldn't describe, and that's exactly what he felt from Juvia's touch.

He brought his face up as the same time she rose hers and their eyes met each other. Gray couldn't help but stare into her dark eyes that were the same dark blue of the lake. He felt that same nostalgic memory grow stronger, as if he could remember a time when someone looked at him with the same emotions as their touch. The male members of his tribe cared about him and would treat him kindly but the way Juvia looked at him had something else, something different that was making his heart pound and making him want to touch her in the same way she touched him so he could convey those same feelings back to her.

He lost his breath for a moment when her eyes shined and her cheeks flushed when he gently ran his fingertips along her hand before circling them gently around her wrist like she had done to him.

His fingers were much larger than hers, and they felt rough, calloused, and cold against her skin. But it still made Juvia's heart flutter and she felt it climb into her throat when she looked back into his eyes and for the first time since she had met him, she saw something that she had never seen before in a male. Kindness and care. She had seen it before when the other females would look at her. They were all very open about their emotions and you could always see it in their eyes too, but for some reason, having Gray look at her like that was making her feel different, and she couldn't put her finger on what exactly she was feeling.

She didn't have to think too hard though. Because they were suddenly pulled from their trance when they heard Raina splashing around in the water on the shore of the island, attempting to catch fish to eat.

Both of them let out a sigh of relief from the distraction before returning back to the matter at hand.

"Erza must have tied the ropes too tightly and it irritated your skin. Don't worry, Juvia has something that can treat that." She says cheerfully before letting go of him and skipping off towards her hut on top of a very tall hill, framed by some conifer trees.

Gray watches her move towards the hut in a dreamlike way. The way the light from the almost setting sun was shining on her still wet skin and sky-blue hair through the trees, making it sparkle took his breath away. He felt like he could keep looking at her forever if that were possible. And without even realizing it, his legs moved to follow her up the hill towards her hut, not wanting to lose her from his sight.

As Juvia walked up the grassy hill towards her hut, she gently rubs her wrist and thinks about how Gray held it in his hand so gently. His hands were so big and rough and yet he held her so tenderly. It made her chest and throat feel tight. And when she looked into his eyes the feeling only got stronger. Gray may not have shown much emotion in his words but she felt like she could see it in his eyes. This male was a mystery to her, and one she would happily wish to solve because she could not remember a time she had felt like this before, for the first time ever, she felt….alive. And this newfound energy surely showed itself when she turned around to find Gray behind her completely naked.

She immediately jumps back and screams loudly at the sight of his sacred rod.

Gray looks confused then looks down and understands why she screamed and looks behind him to find his pelts on the ground a little ways away from him.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. This kind of thing happens to me a lot. So, if I'm gonna be living with you then you might want to get used to this sight." He says and poses a bit while smirking.

Females were modest beings. They covered their bodies when out in the open where anyone could see them. But clearly males were different. She should be disgusted by the fact that he would just display his naked body in front of her like this and yet, when she looked at him she felt her cheeks flush and a new tension she had never felt before in her lower belly form, and something in her mind told her that getting used to this sight would be difficult, but not because she didn't like seeing it but because her instincts were telling her that she did.

----------

A/N: If you like this fic please comment so I'm motivated to keep writing it!

[ollieofthebeholder]

leaves too high to touch (roots too strong to fall): a TMA fanfic

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] Also on AO3

Chapter 8: Jon Prime

Jon stood in the shadows, watching the activity around the Institute, and specifically around the Archives. He knew he had to take care not to be seen...or worse, scented. Daisy still belonged to the Hunt, and she’d known him for a monster when they’d first met; no way would she not know him for one now, when his powers were so much stronger, his connection to the Eye so much more than it had been. If he was being honest, she still terrified him, and he wasn’t sure he could take her on, even now. She was out here...somewhere. He was sure of it, and it wouldn’t take any effort for him to Know exactly where she was and what she was thinking. Basira, too.

But he didn’t. For one thing, he’d promised Basira to stay out of her mind more than necessary, and even if that was a promise he’d made in the future, he was going to do her the courtesy of sticking to it. For another, he didn’t want to risk alerting anybody to his presence more than he had to. Instead, he balled the cuffs of the sweater into his fists and watched.

He was too late.

Even having managed to get a ride from two men in a removal van who’d cut his travel time essentially in half, and who thankfully hadn’t had any statements to tempt him—although he rather suspected their dog might have, had he only been able to understand it—it had still taken him a full five days to get to London, and another four hours to walk from where they had dropped him off to the Institute. And he’d arrived to find...this.

It didn’t take much of a stretch of the imagination to figure out what had happened. The police were everywhere; the ambulance crew had just finished packing everything back up; and if that wasn’t an ECDC truck over there, Jon was prepared to obtain a hat for the sole purpose of eating it. Jane Prentiss had attacked the Institute and this was the aftermath. He’d been too late to stop anything.

On the other hand—Jon took a deep breath. There had logically been no way to prevent this from happening. She’d followed Martin home hoping to get an easy way into the Archives—if she had infested an Archival Assistant, a thought too horrible for Jon to contemplate even after everything else he’d seen, she would have been inside and able to attack the Archives, attack Jon, with relative ease—but she’d always known where the Institute was, and attacking it had probably always been her plan. Still, he had hoped to get there early enough that, together with Martin, he could go into the tunnels and spray down Jane Prentiss and her worms with no one being any the wiser, then regroup, use the tunnels as a base of operations, possibly punch Jurgen Leitner in the face, and bring the Archival team on board.

Instead, the amount of chaos stretching around them indicated that Jane Prentiss had attacked after all, that Gertrude Robinson’s  body had been found, and that Jonah’s plan was well in progress. Sasha had been taken by the Stranger. Tim was going to slip farther and farther into his own well of anger. Jon’s past counterpart would slowly edge deeper and deeper into paranoia and it would be harder and harder for them to convince him of the truth. And Martin...

Hang on, though. Something wasn’t right.

Jon closed his eyes for a moment and tried to remember, tried to filter out all the undeniable chaos and stress that had built up over the last few years and really think about the day of the attack, to sort through what had actually happened and what had blown itself up in his memory. The attack had been early in the day—Tim had been on his lunch break, Martin and Sasha doing their own work, Jon recording Andre Ramao’s statement, their first real brush with Salesa. Elias—it was safer to think of him that way with regards to the incident—had been happily engaged in his budgets. A Tuesday, a bright one. By the time Jon had bullied everyone into making their statements, it was tending towards dark...but more than that, most of the activity had died down. The police had come back the next day for the body, but except for a lone officer guarding the premises, everything was clear.

Which meant...

Jon felt a faint flicker of hope spring up in his chest. It was late; he didn’t have his phone anymore, and he’d never worn a wristwatch, so he didn’t know exactly what time it was, but he could guess. Or, with a little bit of effort, he could Know. He decided to do that, to reach out to the nearest mind, just for a second. He knew better than to do it for too long, though.

He found the ECDC woman grousing, tired, wishing to go home. It had been a long day, and her boss wasn’t going to be happy about paying this much in overtime, although since it was both an after-hours call and had gone on so long, he’d be charging the Magnus Institute extra. It was, after all, nearly midnight and—

Jon withdrew from her mind the moment he had the time. Midnight. An after-hours call. Things had changed, which probably meant that Martin, his Martin, had triggered things somehow. Not optimal, Jon would grant you, they’d hoped to do things quietly, but...

He suddenly froze as his mind caught up with where his thoughts had been trending. Martin. Martin had to have made it to the Institute, to the Archives, but he wasn’t anywhere Jon could see him. Which meant, best-case scenario, he was still in the tunnels beneath the Institute, hiding from the Eye and anyone else who might be after him, waiting for Jon. Worst-case scenario...

Desperately, Jon reached out, but he knew it was hopeless. Even after the end of the world, even when he’d been arguably one of the two most powerful beings in the universe, he hadn’t been able to see into the tunnels, so if Martin was down there, Jon wouldn’t be able to reach him, even if he wasn’t protected from the Eye somehow. And if he wasn’t down there...

No. No. Jon had to believe Martin was all right. They couldn’t have come all this way only to be separated for good.

The problem was that, while Jon had absolute faith in Martin, he didn’t have much faith in the rest of the universe.

For a minute, he was tempted to find a way into the tunnels—one of the outside entrances Tim had always used—but one look around told him that was no good. The police were still everywhere. He didn’t know if they’d found Gertrude Robinson’s body yet, but undoubtedly they’d be crawling through those twisted passages. And even if they weren’t, there were enough cameras on the outside of the Institute that he might be caught on tape. The last thing he wanted was Elias wondering why he’d come back so quickly...or why he’d taken off the bandages, he added mentally, running his fingers reflexively over one of the scars.

No. No, as much as it hurt, he’d have to find another way in. He had to trust that Martin was all right. They would be reunited, he vowed to himself. Wherever Martin was, Jon would find him. He just...might need some help.

New fears shot through him as he contemplated his next move. It was after hours. While that likely meant that Jon—past Jon—hadn’t been hurt, that wasn’t a guarantee; he’d begun leaving less and less as the weeks progressed, and depending on when this was, this might have been a night he stayed past dark. It might even have been after he read Jane Prentiss’ statement, in which case he might have fallen asleep. (Jon tried not to think about that night, about crashing on the cot without thinking and waking up tucked securely in a blanket cocoon with Martin asleep sitting up against the opposite corner, wrapped in a blanket himself. He’d felt guilty, both for taking Martin’s bed—the bed he himself had offered him—and for sleeping through the night; Martin wasn’t sleeping well, anyone could see that, and Jon had made it harder.) In which case...his past self might have been hurt as well, which would rather defeat the purpose.

But Martin—past Martin—what if he’d been hurt, too? Or worse, what if he hadn’t woken up? Jon didn’t think his Martin would deliberately put his past self in danger; despite his sometimes self-destructive or at least self-sacrificial tendencies, he’d probably see his past self just like Jon saw his: as an entirely separate entity, a person to be protected. But if something followed him and he couldn’t catch it, what if something awful had happened?

Then there was Tim and Sasha. Granted, as far as Jon knew, neither of them had ever spent the night at the Archives. He remembered Sasha avowing that they gave her the willies...but was that the real Sasha he remembered, or the Stranger, the Not-Them that had killed her and taken her place? Had the real Sasha ever impulsively decided to stay, thinking it unfair Martin had to suffer alone? Had Tim ever doubled back to keep Martin company and buck his spirits up? Was it something they’d kept secret from their boss, fearing they’d get in trouble?

And oh, God, the Stranger. If that table had been delivered, if Sasha had run into Artifact Storage to escape the worms, if she’d been taken again...Jon hadn’t needed his powers to know that Martin was privately hoping that, in addition to the big picture stop the apocalypse plan, they could save their friends. That Melanie would never get recruited to the Archives (and therefore never need to quit), that Tim would never become so angry and bitter and hateful, that Sasha would never be replaced in not only her physical body but in their memories. Truthfully, Jon was hoping that as well. He still felt more than a little guilt about what had happened to all three of them. If he was too late to stop that...

Jon took a deep breath, centering himself. Well, there was one way he could check on that, at least. Maybe he could check on all of that at once, but at least he could check out the latter. Drawing on a little bit of the Eye’s power, he reached out for Sasha James’ mind.

He almost gasped with relief when he touched it easily, the shape revealing it to be unequivocally the real thing. She was alive...astonished to be, but alive nonetheless. She buzzed with adrenaline, which was probably a good thing, because she’d promised Jon she’d give him her statement about what had happened tonight as soon as the four of them were somewhere they could talk easily. They had a bit before they got to Tim’s place and then she’d have to figure out where the hell to start—God, she wished she could shake that feeling of being watched all the time!

Jon withdrew his mind’s gaze hastily. That was a bit of a relief, at any rate. The four of them. That meant that all of them had made it out of the Archives alive...and Sasha, at least, had been in there. Thank God she hadn’t gone up to Artifact Storage.

He shook himself. Tim’s place. Well, he knew where that was, unfortunately, having stalked Tim there during his paranoid fit. He could get there quickly enough. Hopefully, anyway; he didn’t exactly have any money on him, so hailing a cab or even taking the Underground was out of the question, which meant he’d have to leg it. It was doable. And since they were evidently driving there, they’d have time to talk before he arrived.

Jon set off on his walk. As he’d done for the entire journey, he stuck to the shadows, avoiding crowded streets, busy roads, and alleys where tramps might be hiding to ask for money, cigarettes...or worse.

Something in his bag buzzed and whirred. Without breaking stride, Jon slung the bag off his shoulders and fished out the recorder, which, sure enough, was on and waiting for him. He could feel the statement rising in him. He probably ought to stop to record it...

“Eight point seven million residents. The fourth most dangerous city in the United Kingdom. One of the most watched cities in the world. Everyone speaks the statistics,” he said into the mouthpiece of the recorder. “Few understand them. Few can feel the weight of those people around them, the fear and anticipation of violence, the sensation of every camera, every eye tracking their every move. Those who can are called paranoid, delusional, overly fearful. They are also right.

“It is a strange sensation to walk through a city that has never been safe to you and feel it even more so. Even stranger to feel it after...well, what we’ve lived through this past...how long has it been? Even I don’t know that. I never will. But as terrifying as those realms, those domains, those hellscapes were, they are as nothing compared to an ordinary spring night in London, circa 2016. This night.

“A clock tower chimes in the distance, counting off a quarter ‘til. The time men used to call the Witching Hour. If only they knew what those words could mean. Night falls and in some places the city’s lights outshine the stars, while in others the sky is completely hidden behind close-gathered roofs or billowing, choking smoke. There are those in this city who couldn’t name a single star if you labeled the chart for them and those who haven’t seen one for years. Some are wistful. Some are watchful. Some are angry. Some are pure danger.

“In the domains, we were safe, to a degree. The domains could only harm us so far as we allowed them to. We were the Watchers, not the Watched, and our fear fed nothing. They were not for us, and so could not hurt us unless we gave them permission. And we navigated them together, and we survived them together. And even when we reached London, there was so little that could truly harm us...until the end. And we knew what we faced, or thought we knew what we faced, and whatever else happened, we faced it together.

“But this is a London that cares nothing for our permission. This is a London that does not belong to one power, or any powers. This is a London that still belongs only to itself. From the Ritz to the Anchor and Crown, as the song says, London is still its own and belongs to itself and its people. And it does not fear the Watcher, not yet. There is no protection to be had here, save one’s own awareness.

“There, the further from the Eye’s seat of power we were, the safer—in theory—we were. Here, nowhere is safe. It may be that the only place of true safety is the very tunnels I cannot yet enter, the very place from whence Fear plans to rise but will not, cannot, must not. The tunnels hold death, yes, and fear and terror and many of the worst memories from the time of before...but they may be the key to our safety now.

“Meanwhile, the very streets seek to trip, the roads seek to confuse, the denizens seek to gain their own selfish ends at the expense of any who stands in their way. We cannot, I cannot let them. Death does not wait here, only those who seek to invoke it. Fear does not bind this city, Fear does not own its streets, and yet fear cannot be disregarded, for to ignore it, to deny its existence, is to invite its cause. The only way to stay safe is to stay focused, to concentrate, and to trust that at the end of the road the journey may come to a safe close. Or at least a resting place, a shelter from the storm.”

Jon fell silent and took a deep breath, closing his eyes for only a moment as he lowered the tape recorder. When he opened them again, he was astonished to see that he was standing in front of Tim’s house—someplace he hadn’t seen in years but still recognized. His car, or the car he’d once owned anyway, sat in the driveway, and there was a light on inside, which meant they were still up. He actually hadn’t realized he was still walking, let alone that he was walking in the direction he meant to head. Either the Eye or sheer dumb luck had protected him from being run over as he crossed the streets.

He tucked the recorder away in his bag, then headed up the walk to the front door. Hopefully they weren’t in the middle of recording their statements, he thought idly as he knocked, as firmly as he could, on the door.

A few moments passed, and then the door opened, exposing Tim, who yelped in surprise when he saw Jon standing there. Jon managed a smile.

“Hello, Tim,” he said. “May I come in?”

[raspberryfanfics]

nejiten fanfic binging guide

My recommended Nejiten fics. All stories are complete and are good enough to be reread again and again:)

Narutoverse

Exceptions by IncessantOblivion — The first Nejiten fic I have ever read, also one of the closest to my hearts. Though the author admits it, it does have themes of sexism and homophobia, but not strong. It portrays Tenten as extremely inexperienced and though I’m not a fan of authors who write her that way, I’m glad she is shown as independent otherwise. Despite the criticism and obvious flaws, the romantic scenes are written perfectly and I get a huge wave of feels every time I reread it. Besides the slight hints of sexism, this story is the most favourited Nejiten story on FFn for a reason: you’re so emotionally connected to it. My chest literally constricts every time I read it, it’s so good. 

Land of Pretend + Reality by trilliumgt — The first story, (Land of Pretend), despite being without a super solid storyline, is just so heart-wrenching. I’m pretty sure I cried the first time I read this and the sequel but even if it didn’t trigger as much as an emotional reaction, it was surprisingly not boring. Though “Reality” wasn’t as “feel-triggering”, it was very well thought out. 

About a Daddy and a Nanny by syaoran no hime — Perhaps one of my favourite Nejiten fics of all time. I was originally skeptical of this fic because of the title since Daddy and Nanny fics can be ridiculously degrading. They tend to be overly cliche where the female character is a useless Mary Sue. Yet when I gave it a shot, I was pleasantly surprised to see that it was most definitely not cliche in the slightest. It may not be the best fic I’ve read in terms of romanticness, however, the humour is unbeatable. Before class, I had read this on my phone and couldn’t stop laughing because the author writes Tenten to have an alter-ego nanny, (very minor spoiler), and she is absolutely hilarious. The romance lies in the unspoken words and the reminiscence, not in the make-outs, but in a way, that just makes it what it is. It’s the type of fic that makes you wanna laugh and cry and smash your screen at the same time. The story is so so sooo good.

SharpBladed Spirit by FenixPhoenix — Dark and a little gruesome, therefore rated M. It isn’t so much a romance, rather an adventure story with a side serving of the two love interests. Nonetheless, it’s captivating, character development is phenomenal, and every character is strong and moves on the plot.

On Qipao Flirting and Buying Drinks by needdl — While this is only a two-shot, it is such a beautifully written story. The best part of it isn’t the romance, but the reactions to change and change itself. Characters change in subtle ways and the creative ways of expressing Neji’s reactions to Tenten becoming more and more feminine make me smile constantly. What I also love is that it has a slight feminist viewpoint to it in the fact that she embraces her femininity, which is the whole point of feminism (in which femininity is embraced just as much as masculinity and the belief that all are equal, which hopefully you are up to date to because it’s 2020 for kami’s sake). Anyways, the first part of the story is absolute pure fluff but if you read the second part, (especially on Ao3)...well that is some hot stuff let me tell ya.

In Front of Every Star by NessieGG — A short story with lots of fluff, angst, and feminism. (YAY!) It loaded with small snippets of moments, sadness, and really makes you think about your own values. Would you leave the love of your life to save your home country? What I love about this story is that the pain the characters feel may be selfish but they are completely realistic. It reflects off of our own lives, trying to let go of our feelings after letting go of the person. Every piece of it is flawless.

Ms X by Blade Rewind — This was the second-ever Nejiten fic I’ve read, and though short in the chapters, it certainly gives a lot of content. It’s light, airy, fun, and a little bit cliche, but in a strangely good way. The writer executes a classic plot with grace and humour and there isn't’ a point where you wanna die because of the unoriginality. 

On Sex by Lotos-eater — I was skeptical about this at first because sometimes titles like these indicate really bad smut, which is almost as bad as an overused cliche. However, this was exactly the opposite. While there is certainly mature content, it isn’t in the way you’d think. Sex is portrayed as an obstacle in this story and approaching it is awkward in every way. Kissing is awkward, touching is awkward, in fact, this is a romantic story with no romance whatsoever. I don’t know how the author pulled it off, but it was simply amazing. It is hard to read not because it is bad, but because you can really empathize with the Neji and Tenten as they try to have sex with non-existent chemistry. Yet my favourite part of this story is the amount of complexity within each character and the way Gai is written in a much more different light. I never imagined Gai to have a dark side and this story executes it perfectly.

Alternate Universes

Complexities of Blackmail by Aquarius Galuxy — I read the summary for this one and was impressed at the word count so I quickly jumped aboard my first AG Nejiten fic train and just...wow. So like, I don’t know where to start. It’s a military space AU and what I love is that up to a certain point, everyone’s backstory until Naruto Shippuden era is almost exactly the same as the Narutoverse. Team Gai is a predeveloped relationship but had deteriorated. Blackmail is very explicit, lots of smut, but damn is it quality smut. It might not be your cup of tea, but if you don’t mind it, this story is amazing. Neji is slightly out of character, but you can understand why with his motivations, even though I personally wouldn’t write a story with the situation. Development is great, chemistry is over the top fantastic, and there’s a perfect amount of angst. It is a bit lengthy but so worth it. Every other character involved is so unique, I loved seeing Izumo and Kotetsu getting a bigger role, Ino was so in character; highly, highly recommend.

f 2-8, ISO 100 by Aquarius Galuxy — Of course, we have another AG fic and this one has sex scenes, but not as *cough* rough *cough* as Blackmail. The maturity mostly comes from the fact that Tenten is a photographer and art can sometimes be...graphic. Yet I have an appreciation for this fic since it states that art is art and the fact that AG came up with the photography is like aiming a shot, (since Tenten never misses). Neji is a politician and pianist, which is a suitable career that both covers his genius and soft side. Once again, great chemistry. This fic flows like a river, it’s so beautiful.

Cutting Water by Nessie GG — A historic AU in which Tenten the leader of a prestigious clan in China and Neji is an ambassador from Japan. Reads more as an adventure and friendship story resulting in romance in the last few chapters rather than just romance. The details are amazing and the style of the writing makes it so elegant, perfect for the time period. It’s the type of story that mysterious and sophisticated at the same time.

Perfidy by KNO — Similar to Cutting Water as it is a historical AU. Its backstory is vaguely similar to Mulan, however, in this case, the hot general doesn’t forgive her immediately. Tenten, who was saved from dressing as a guy to serve in the army, is sent to train another generation of female soldiers. It’s a great story, a great plot, though it does tend to run on uselessly at times. However, it is solid otherwise. 

Breathe Again by Kicho-Keynote — A modern AU in which Neji is an army veteran. The story is slightly dark, as it deals with PTSD and triggering situations. Each character is complex and the development is simply amazing. Everyone has visible flaws, relationships are so well-developed, and it has brought me to tears several times. There are several mentions of ShinoTen, and even though it’s not my favourite couple, it plays a huge role in the story so just a warning. Thankfully, it doesn’t go into detail about their personal lives and it still is a Nejiten story, despite other love interests. It also runs on at parts but overall, it’s extremely well developed.

Authors

Aquarius Galuxy @aquariusgaluxy — The “Papabay” of Nejiten fics. Every story is beautiful, perfect, and intimate. Chemistry is always there. Everything is so beautiful and each has a different mood. Nothing is half-assed and it is just...I wish AG was still active I love those works so much.

KNO @zealousheart — If Aquarius Galuxy is the “Papabay” of Nejiten fics, then KNO is the “Ghost Bananas”. KNO’s work is creative, light, complex, and meaningful. The best part is, if you compare the earlier works to the more recent ones, you can really see the difference in skill level and how much KNO has improved.

Goldberry — Do you need one-shots? Goldberry has plenty. Though there are only a couple stories, there are one-shot collections, drabbles, and a whole bucketload of one-shots I haven’t even got to. It’s pure Nejiten Heaven

NessieGG — More one-shots but guess what? They’re all AU one-shots! Now, this is Nejiten AU heaven!

needdl — All of needdl’s works are filled with fluff. They are adorable, sweet, yet some of them are sincere and romantic. 

Cyberwolf — There are so many short light drabbles from Cyberwolf, each an idea that seemingly came from random thoughts but ended up on FFN for all of us to read.

MOST OTHER AUTHORS MENTIONED IN THE SUGGESTED STORIES ALSO HAVE OTHER NEJITEN WORKS, JUST NOT AS PLENTIFUL OR MOSTLY NEJITEN AS THE ONES LISTED ABOVE. I SUGGEST YOU CHECK OUT THEIR PROFILES AS WELL!

[theadorelocksly]

How did you know you were queer? And how did you “deal with it”?

Hello!

I’ve never done this type of ask so I hope the way I do it is ok and makes sense:)

Alright so I didn’t fully Realize I was queer until about a year ago. I had had the random “oh maybe I’m gay?” questions before, but I had always been to scared to dive in to those questions. Funnily enough, fanfiction was what helped me fully realize and come to terms with it.

Mainly what made me realize I am bi/queer was that I identified So Much with bisexual characters. I was just sitting in my bed at 2am on ao3 like “wait a minute.... I DO THAT” needless to say I was :0

Once I started to really evaluate my sexuality, I noticed way more non heterosexual tendencies (like just fascinated /staring at female character/people and only RARELY caring about male ones. And the fact that I can look back at 8 year old me and be like “oh wait, that was a crush:0 “

As for coming to terms with it... that took time. I grew up in a Very unsafe environment for lgbtq and therefore had (still have at times) a lot on internalized homophobia. And I didn’t just “come out” when I realized. I talked to my therapist for advice and then started to do small things to say im queer (like wearing pins at work;) I did eventually come out to my family and thankfully they had also grown past their homophobia as well. It also helped that I was introduced into the queer community in which a positive/safe way. And I did a lot of research to go also with my religious beliefs.

So pretty much 1) fanfic and 2) time. Hope that’s a good answer:) If you have any other questions I’m more than happy to discuss in DM🥰

[meetinginsamarra]

“Mutual Attraction” my Sherlock BBC fanfic on AO3 and its origin story - Part 2

O.K. So I´ve been frustrated with „the long story“. While writing it I had other ideas what could happen to Sherlock & Co and those were more and more AU-ish. They would definitely not fit in the setting of „Mutual Attraction“.

Therefore it was just a tiny step to take a break and write another fanfic. One much shorter. There was this idea about a different first meeting at an A&E but in a non-BBC environment. Once I started with „Wretched and Divine“ it sort of created itself, evolving quickly while I wrote and thought about it. (I´ll do another origin story about this and its sequel.)

Well, finally I had something to post. I was nervous like hell when I clicked the „post“ button, internally screaming and my hand literally trembling. Not kidding! When I uploaded the first chapter of „Mutual Attraction“ my heart rate spiked and my hand trembled again.

My first fic was well-received (in my opinion). I guess unless you post something yourself and receive loving comments it´s difficult to gauge how much that means to the author. It´s the anonymity of the internet which greatly helps here. All the comments are genuine. No one feels obligated to sugarcoat or frankly lie about how they liked something. The love is real. The need to tell the author about their feelings is real. Thankfully I haven´t received any hate yet, but my point is when people state they like it and had a great time reading it is just true.

Knowing that people go along with my story, enjoy it, are happy about it, is absolutely mindblowing-fucking-fantastic. It´s addictive. It encourages you in your endeavour of writing.

I have yet to tell you the best thing that happenend because of posting „Wretched and Divine“.

One of the commentors turned out to become my first fandom friend. (Hi there, PeaGeeTibbs, I know you´re reading that!) We e-mail regularly and when I blabbed about „the long story“ (seems I´m prone to blabbing) she offered to proof-read/beta. So thanks again for saving me from some embarrassing mistakes.

„Mutual Attraction“ was still on hold because I got carried away and posted a sequel to „Wretched“ as well as another fic.

The positive reactions and love these three stories got egged me on to finish „Mutual Attraction“ which had fallen into a state of hibernation in the meantime. It was difficult to get back into the story. To adopt this mindset again. Even with the appreciation I got of posting these fics I was wondering if I hadn´t done myself a severe disservice. The way Sherlock and John acted (and pined) was totally different from the way they behaved in the other fics.

It was awful at first but soon became better and easier again. It was clear to me what I had (wanted) to write, how the story would go on. Still, it took a lot of time to finish it eventually. Sometimes it was really hard work and no fun at all.

I ended up with 20 chapters and approx. 80k words. Something I´d never have expected. One thing which surprisingly proved more complicated than expected was choosing the corresponding lyrics to each chapter. I really wanted to do this because while writing there were so many paragraphs of Linkin Park´s lyrics that fit so well. My first idea was to use only their lyrics but I abandoned that since other great songs yelled at me to be considered.

The question of which to use was sometimes unnerving but in the end I´m content with all my choices but one. That´s Under the Bridge by Red Hot Chilli Peppers in chapter 8, I could not think of anything better fitting and since it was literally the last thing keeping me from completing the story I just shrugged „So what?“.

My lovely beta proposed to contact the adorable inevitably-johnlocked on her tumblr in order to promote my fic and – she did! Awesome! Thanks again.

Wow. A long journey ended.

It´s up on AO3 for one week now. Hits are slowly climbing as well as subscriptions and kudos. I chose to do weekly updates to appear more often in the „date updated“ sorting option. Frankly speaking, I want to reach as many readers as possible, don´t we all?

I´m looking forward to the next weeks and how the statistics and comments develop.

See you there,

Samarra

[daizyredz]

Since you're a fan of knitting, imagine this: Ryan having a secret affinity for it and Shane proudly wearing everything that Ryan knits for him ❤

So, I decided to turn this into a chaptered fic. And I...never do that. I think I have like...one chaptered fic that I have up that I wrote? Ever? Maybe? Back when I was in the Sherlock fandom. Any others were abandoned or turned into one shots after sitting for ages, which is why I don’t do that. But, I actually have ideas for each and every chapter of this, which happened with the Sherlock fic, too, so here we go. I’m putting the first chapter here and then also on AO3 where all the subsequent chapters will go. This was just too cute not to do something with! But, do keep in mind that I am very rusty at fanfic-writing and these will likely all be short chapters.

AO3 Link.

1. Socks.

Ryan was expecting today to go just as normally as every other day. He would come into work, get some stuff done at the ol’ Buzzfeed office, maybe touch up a script for an upcoming episode they have yet to shoot, then ogle Shane discreetly when he comes into the office before suggest they get some VO work done for an episode that has already been shot. Nothing glamorous, nothing to write home about, just another day at the office.

And that’s exactly how it began. When Shane came in sometime after Ryan, he was wearing those usual tight chinos that Ryan loved to admire and pretty soon they were bantering before getting those VOs done. Therein lies the problem, though. Ryan had let his guard down, as he often did around Shane. Good old, goofy but predictable, Shane Madej. So predictable that he rarely really even deviates his wardrobe. The man has the same kind of chinos from the same store in seven different colors for God’s sake. He almost always wears a button-down shirt. The same boots.

So, you’ll have to forgive Ryan for not thinking to look down.

“Hey, Shane, your socks don’t match,” someone says, surprise and mild amusement coloring their tone. It’s Shane, after all, so maybe it’s on purpose. If he’s going to deviate his wardrobe, then his socks would be a good guess. The goofy part of his personality coming in.

When Ryan looks down, though, he knows right away why Shane’s socks don’t match. Ryan had gifted those socks to Shane the day he had confessed that he secretly loved to knit. The yarn he’d used to make the socks was self-striping and so the colors were a bit off because Ryan hadn’t wanted to do yarn surgery on them to make the colors work. He’d been lazy and had figured Shane probably wouldn’t wear them. Even when Shane had happily accepted the socks and promised to wear them, Ryan had thought it was some odd Midwestern politeness that was only now showing up even though he’d never been overly polite to Ryan before. Anyway, it never crossed his mind that Shane would wear them to work!

But, when Shane replied all he did was look down, admire the socks by turning his foot from side-to-side to show off his ankle, and therefore the coloring and design of the sock, with a soft, secret smile that made Ryan swallow somewhat nervously and was accompanied by some kind of swooping feeling in his stomach, and say, “Nope, they don’t. Pretty, though, yeah?”

No mention of Ryan. Not even a betraying glance in his direction, effectively keeping the promise he’d made to Ryan not to tell anyone about his knitting.

Ryan wasn’t sure what to do with that, but it felt like for the rest of the day his cheeks would heat up every time he looked at Shane. Shane, the man he had a massive crush on, was wearing the items he’d handmade just for him, thinking of him the entire time. Shane, who smiled Like That every time he looked down at the socks.

Thankfully, if anyone found it odd that Ryan hadn’t taken the opportunity to make fun of Shane’s mismatched socks they didn’t say anything.

[fandoms-equal-life]

Rewriting Their Stars Once Again - The Greatest Showman Fanfiction

Chapter 7: Family Matters

Originally Posted on Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13365846/chapters/45440608#workskin

Summary: What will happen when Anne visits Phillip's family home?

Notes:

This took like 3 hours to write. 

I wrote it at work and every time my co worker walked behind me I was worried he was reading it 😂 I don’t even know how I would explain myself. 

Also let me know if the part where Anne visits the Carlyles’ is insensitive or weirdly worded. I might be big mouthed and opinionated, but I am not looking to offend anyone. I am only here to write fanfic to fulfill my lonely heart. 

Also I am sorry I am so inconsistent. It is my goal this month to finish this fic and I am really trying to finish my goals for once! Thank you for the continued support!!❤️

~

The next two months were tough.

Anne was so sick, the morning sickness turned into all day sickness and there was not much food she could keep down. If Anne got out of bed for any other reason but to empty her stomach, it was a good day.

On top of that, her stomach was very large. She knew this should not be a shock to her, but when she sees herself in the mirror, she is still in disbelief. A seamstress came over just to make her custom dresses, and even P.T. used his childhood work as a tailor to make a couple items of clothing for her.

She needed to use the restroom all the time, her feet were getting larger, and her ankles and fingers were swelling. She had to start wearing her wedding ring on a chain around her neck.

The doctors’ visits every 2 weeks were difficult to endure. Dr. Turner would never let her walk in by herself, instead making her a wheelchair. Also, he could only give so much information about what was happening inside her body. Triplets were complicated for the highest paying doctor, let alone one who would see Anne.

But the hardest part of it all was Phillip could not always be there. With the circus struggling, he was swamped with work to make sure it is kept afloat.

Thankfully, she had a big family to fall back on. When Charity alone took her, the trips were fairly easy. Sometimes she had to bring the girls, which were usually filled with endless questions for the doctor, Helen once asking “Will all three of them come out at the same time?”

Charity had to leave the room with them before Dr. Turner could give an answer.

When Lettie brought her, she usually brought Tom along as backup. His loud mouth scared anyone away who might bring them trouble. Tom is so protective, that he stands directly outside the door during the checkups.

The other doctors and nurses tend to stay away on the days Lettie and Tom come along.

Do not even get Anne started about the time P.T., Caroline, and Helen accompanied her. The doctors requested that P.T. never step foot in their office again.

Even with all of this going on, Anne and Phillip were very excited. They wanted to grow their family, but, the looming danger of the end of the pregnancy and the delivery still loomed over the couple.

Anne and Phillip kept themselves distracted from this fact. They each joined the bet on which sex would outnumber the other (Anne thinks there will be more boys, while Phillip bet on more girls), Phillip and P.T. rearranged the furniture in the apartment to fit the three cradles, and Anne organized the gifts they were still receiving every day. The list of baby names becomes longer as the pregnancy becomes shorter. Anne likes family and classic names, but Phillip wants whole new names for his kids. Their family at the circus has new names suggestions every day, but only a few make it onto the real list, especially after Tom insisted that naming one of the potential boys after his horse in the show would be a great idea.

One night, when Anne and Phillip were sitting in their apartment, she asked why he was not in favor for family names.

“After that night at the theater, I have no desire to be associated with them anymore. The Carlyle name is something I wish I could rid myself of. I know they are going to take my last name, but other than that, I want something new.” Phillip explains with a soft smile. “I know that you never knew your mom and dad, but my family is not anything to be proud of.”

“Would you reconnect with your family if they came to you?” Anne asked.

“Maybe my little brother Daniel, but I’m not sure. Before I left and was disowned, he had rejected our father. I was the first born with all the privileges, and Daniel resented father for that. Last I heard that had all changed after he took my place as prize son with the inheritance. I assume he took my father’s side along with mother and the rest of my extended family, which is most likely why he did not attend our wedding.” Phillip told her.

Anne looked at him with soft, apologetic eyes. Anne knew that Daniel missing the wedding hurt Phillip. She thinks Phillip hoped for them to reconnect, that he could introduce Daniel to his new family and to the love of his life.

“But that is all behind me. Now I have a big and loving family and three little ones on the way.” Phillip says, kissing her protruding stomach. “Are you ready for bed?” he asks.

“Almost. You go get ready first then you can help me and my added baggage” she replied, pointing to her stomach.

He laughed and nodded, then walked into their bedroom, Anne got up to write a letter to their doorman to call a carriage for her as soon as Phillip walked out the door. She had a plan.

The carriage dropped Anne off at one of the largest houses she had ever seen.

It was beautiful.

The Carlyle house was painted all white, with big pillars holding up what Anne could only guess was 3 stories. They had big windows that would let plenty of natural light in, and Anne could see through the windows how ornate the inside looked. The lawn was well manicured, with flower bushes lining the front and big looming trees growing on the outside of the house, almost like a wall in between the other houses. She noticed that while it was stunning, that was negated by the cold atmosphere that seemed to surround the house.

As Anne was observing the house, she noticed one of workers in the lawn trimming the bushes. It was obvious that he was overworked and sunburnt, and most importantly:

He looked like her.

This brought her back to the reality of the situation. She was not home with her loving husband, or surrounded by her other oddities at the circus, she was standing in front of a wealthy white family’s home who, in another life, may have worked her as hard as the man she is looking at.

At this, she held herself as tall as the three children she was carrying would let her, put her hands clasped in front of her, and walked to the door.

The man in the lawn subtly glanced at her, not making any eye contact, as he probably does with all guests, until he noticed that Anne was not one of the Carlyle’s usual guests. He went to go help her up to the door, but she denied his help politely.

She would not be seen as weak. She was a woman on a mission, pregnant with three children or not.

Anne walked up to the door and knocked. A woman dressed in a maid’s uniform answered the door almost immediately. She also did not make eye contact with Anne when she first opened the door, but when the maid realized the difference between the color of Anne’s skin than the usual guest, she looked up in shock.

The maid was about to step out and close the door when Anne interjected “I am here to see Daniel Carlyle. It is urgent matter.”

The woman at the door glanced down at Anne’s pregnant stomach then back up at her. “Ms. I am sorry for any inconveniences Master Carlyle may have caused you, but you must leave immediately...”

Anne was about to put up a fight when she heard someone ask, “Mary who is at the door and why have you not let them in?”

Anne pushed pass the maid and stood in the doorway of the mansion in front of the person who was speaking.

Anne knew immediately it was Daniel.

His hair was a little lighter than Phillip’s and his face was not as clean cut. He was maybe a little shorter than Phillip, and a little leaner too. But his eyes were almost exactly the same, except for the fact they were cold and hard, while Phillip’s were warm and inviting.

Similar to how Phillip’s were when he first joined the circus.

Daniel stared back at her. Anne wondered if he knew who she was. But word travels fast through the wealthy people of New York; therefore, Anne realizes that the whole family must know of the pregnancy.

Anne sticks out her hand to Daniel. “Hello Mr. Carlyle. As you probably know, my name is Anne Wheeler and I am here to talk about your older brother.” Anne begins when they hear the footsteps of woman shoes coming towards them.

Daniel lunges at Anne and grabs her hand. “We must get you away from the door and away from mother. Mary close the door and tell her it was just the lawn man giving you an update about his work.”

Daniel shuffles her down a hall in the opposite direction, quickly pushing themselves into a spare bedroom, just as Anne heard what she assumes is Mrs. Carlyle asking what had happened at the door.

After he closed the door quietly, he turned around to face her. Anne had prepared a speech for Daniel. She had planned it to be polite and not so straightforward, so she could plant the seed in his head that his brother missed him.

“Hello, Mr. Carlyle. As you already know, I’m -” Anne began.

Daniel interrupted her. “I know who you are! You are one of the crazy people who brainwashed my brother to think it is okay to be disowned by his family. I used to doubt my father’s decision to take away his inheritance, but you, standing here carrying what I can only assume is his bastard child, I see now that he was correct. Whatever you came here for, money, help, protection, the Carlyle family will not give it to you or him. You need to leave this place immediately, the only reason I brought you into this room was to save you from mother’s wrath, as I am a gentleman. Do not ever come back, or else you will face even worse than me.”

Daniel looked pleased with himself, like he really thought that he put Anne in her place.

Anne does not know what came over her next, maybe rage at this man, love for her husband and her unborn children, or the hormones from pregnancy, but instead of leaving to cause less trouble, she yelled back,

“I did not sneak here without my husband’s knowledge, catch a rickety carriage while pregnant, and swallow my pride to visit the family that insulted Phillip and myself on what was supposed to be a happy night so I could ask for money or protection. I woke up and managed to get out of bed by myself to visit you, Daniel Carlyle, because my husband, your big brother, misses you to the point I think a part of his heart is missing.”

Daniel tries to interrupt her again, but Anne continues, “Phillip, the big brother that would comfort you after nightmares because your father and mother wouldn’t. The one who snuck you fantasy books while your teacher forced you to read nonfiction. The one who took a punch to the face after you stole from the biggest kid on your block, and, most importantly, the big brother that still loves you even though you obviously think so low of him.”

“I came here to tell you that right now, your big brother needs you. He is running a business all by himself while also having to worry about me and the three children I am carrying, and whether or not we will make it through the labor. So, Mr. Carlyle, I did not show up here today to ask for anything monetary, I traveled here because I thought my husband could benefit from a relationship with his brother, but I was obviously wrong.”

At that, she turned out and stormed out. Anne would be damned if she would wait for Daniel to check the hallways for a “safe” passage way for her. She did not mean to tell him the details of their life, but once she started talking, she could not stop. Today made her realize that the only place she is really safe is in the red and white striped tents.

Anne started seeing white around the corner of her eyes and her ears were ringing. She thought it was the rage, but after she walked out of the mansion, she felt herself becoming weak. All of the sudden her vision went black and she felt herself starting to fall. The last thing she heard was a male voice shouting “ANNE!”

Chapters 1 ~ 2 ~ 3 ~ 4 ~ 5 ~ 6 ~ 8 ~ 9 ~ 10 ~ 11

[chiyalawritesrewind]

Rewind, Chapter 21

Fanfic: [ch1] [ch2] [ch3] [ch4] [ch5] [ch6] [ch7] [ch8] [ch9] [ch10] [ch11] [ch12] [ch13] [ch14] [ch15] [ch16] [ch17] [ch18] [ch19] [ch20 on AO3] [ch20 on ffn]

Podfic: [ch1] [ch2] [ch3] [ch4] [ch5] [ch6] [ch7] (Rest coming soon)

Pairing: Gratsu - Gray Fullbuster / Natsu Dragneel ; Acnologia / Zeref

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Major Character Death; Graphic Depiction of Violence

Summary: When a mission turns out to be fatal for one of the team members, Natsu finds himself being given another chance to change the events.

Beta by @serpenttailedangel and @wildrhov <333

Tagging list: asdf @f-r-f-t @truedreamchasing @eitomagical @galaxiesandfairies @eternalsterekbitches @becausewhenyoupracticeyouimprove @oliversantics @nekodemon73 @moonlustelara @pantykawa @ice-bringer (if somebody else wants to be tagged [or not tagged anymore] in the future, please let me know!)

SPOILER WARNING (in the fic and this Author's Notes) for the Manga/Anime in case you haven't yet gotten past the Tartaros Arc.

Beware, some of the information given in this fic is entirely wrong when it comes to the original Manga. I twisted things, completely made up some others, and also disregarded stuff that happened in canon. I wouldn't want you to mix up canon with my fic, so please always keep this in mind: This fic is non canon compliant.

More specifically in regards to this chapter: I changed the reason for Zeref's curse, disregarded the fact that Mavis was cursed, too (meaning: she wasn't cursed), and probably some other things I don't remember right now.

Things get somewhat resolved in this chapter. But don't get me wrong: this fic is far from over.

Enjoy!

Natsu needed several minutes to recover from the ride when they reached Tenrou Island. Since nobody besides Jellal and Natsu knew what they were supposed to do, they didn't have any plan on how to go about things.

Everyone looked at Natsu expectantly. Time to reveal a part of the truth, at least. He couldn't just say, 'Let's wait and see what happens' when he knew exactly what, or rather, whom they were looking for.

Natsu straightened himself. "There is somebody on this island we need to find."

Makarov interjected, "Somebody? This island is Fairy Tail's sacred ground. Nobody can find and enter it unless they're a member of Fairy Tail. As far as I know, there's no member missing."

Natsu took a step back. If that was true, was Zeref a member of Fairy Tail? A former member maybe? No. There was no way a dark mage was a former Fairy Tail member.

"Well, I don't know about that, but the Oracle said there's somebody here. And we mustn't fight with that person. They can help us. We don't have time to waste, so let's go!"

Natsu took off running, not waiting for them to answer. He had a good nose, so he had the best odds of finding Zeref. Sniffing him out couldn't be that difficult. Sure, the island was huge, but as long as Zeref didn't stay holed up somewhere, they would eventually find traces of his scent. Natsu cast a glance over his shoulder to make sure his friends were following before concentrating on his nose.

Somewhere along the line, Gray grabbed his hand, eliciting a fond smile from Natsu.

The later it got, the more nervous Natsu became. Even an hour after their arrival he hadn't yet detected another presence.

'Only one and a half hours left until he dies. Come on, concentrate! If we don't find him soon, we won't have time for explanations anymore.'

Thankfully, Happy announced that he'd recovered enough to use his wings again. Natsu accepted the offer, and soon the two of them outpaced the others. Maybe it was better that way. A confrontation between Zeref and Gray didn't seem to be wise, and Natsu really didn't want to lie to Gray only to stop them from fighting.

A new and somewhat familiar scent invaded Natsu's nose and he nearly caused them to crash into the nearest tree with his surprised jerking and yelling. Happy had a good nose, too, so he was able to follow the trace with a minimum of guidance.

Natsu's pulse quickened with every second as the scent became stronger and stronger. They reached a clearing and with it their goal—a young, black-haired man stood there, wearing a white tunic over black clothes and a pendant around his neck. His eyes and mouth were wide open in surprise. It was the same young man Natsu had seen in the vision of his future, where he'd been standing protectively in front of him. Was this Zeref?

"Na-Natsu..."

Before Natsu had the chance to ask why the hell he knew his name, the man flinched and put his hands on either side of his head, his face scrunching up as if in pain.

"N-No... It's coming..." A black sphere formed, like black clouds swirling around him. "R-run. Run! Now!"

There was an immense magical aura around him, and Natsu found himself unable to move a muscle, overwhelmed by the sheer power buzzing in the air. Happy seemed to feel it too. He let out a strangled groan and then dropped Natsu.

"Run!" the black-haired wizard shouted, but to no avail.

Natsu was paralyzed. He could only watch as the sphere expanded rapidly, causing everything in its range to rot and die.

"Run or you'll die!"

'Happy!'

Natsu charged at his friend and hit him square in the stomach, sending him flying into the bushes, out of the attack's range. The clouds hit Natsu the next second, pulling him in and making him stumble. It was over as quickly as it started, leaving Natsu lying on the ground. He sat up immediately, his eyes searching for the black-haired wizard. Everything around them was dead—some trees were even gone for good.

The man was staring at him in disbelief, and he was crying. What the hell was going on? Where did he know his name from? Did they know each other?

"Natsu... I... I missed you..."

Tears rolled down his cheeks in a steady stream, and Natsu found himself unable to say anything.

'He missed me? He knows me? Is he Zeref? Why does he know my name?'

A bit wobbly, Natsu got to his knees. He cleared his throat and then asked, "Zeref?"

The man flinched and opened his mouth to say something, but before anything could come out, Happy's voice resounded from behind Natsu, shocked and disbelieving.

"What do you mean, Zeref? The dark mage Zeref? Is that him? Did we come here to kill him?"

Natsu whirled around. A stab of guilt surged through him at the sight of Happy's eyes wide in panic.

"He's not our enemy for the time being."

"B-but he's the dark mage Zeref. How is he not our enemy?"

Before Natsu had the chance to reply, there was a rustling sound and a second later, Gray, Jellal, and Makarov jumped onto the clearing, all three out of breath. Gray glared at him.

"Did I... hear that right? Zeref... and he's not... our enemy? Have you gone crazy?"

Oh, perfect, that was impeccable timing they had there.

Something seemed to catch Gray's attention as he lowered his gaze a bit. "Why the hell is your scarf black?"

'My scarf...?'

Indeed, it was pitch black. What happened? Did that black cloud dye his scarf?

Zeref's voice rang out: "Natsu, do you... remember me?"

Natsu whirled around, confused by the hopeful look on Zeref's face. So they had met before? When? Where? Why couldn't Natsu remember a thing?

He had to proceed carefully from here on. He would have to tell Gray a lie to keep him from attacking Zeref, so if he said 'no' now, there was little justification for knowing something about the dark mage that nobody else did. It was too late to think of a credible backstory—he'd just have to hope that nobody would ask about the details.

Trying to look and sound as convincing as he could, Natsu said, "Yes."

Gray was right in front of Natsu in an instant, his back turned toward him and his arms stretched out protectively. He snarled, "Did you mess with him? Are you controlling him? Release him, right now!"

'No! Shit!'

Natsu put a hand on Gray's shoulder. "I'm still me. Hey. Look at me. Nobody's controlling me."

Gray turned his head until he could look at Natsu with wide, unfocused eyes. He was panicking inside, Natsu could tell as much. It was probably best to play his trump card right away or else Gray would surely freak out and attack Zeref any second.

"Don't attack him, please. If you kill him, I'll die as well."

Gray's eyes went even wider. Both Happy and Makarov let out a surprised sound, but Zeref's voice overshadowed everything else.

"What? How can you possibly know that?"

Huh? Had somebody informed Zeref that they were pulling this off? Had Lydia paid him a visit as well? Either way, albeit unexpected, his reaction was perfect. Nobody would doubt Natsu's lie like this. However, Zeref really seemed to wait for an answer.

There was no way Natsu would let Gray and Zeref be around each other any longer than necessary, and saying 'Go away, Gray' didn't appear to be the best solution. Therefore, he went for, "That's unimportant. Can we talk in private, please?"

Gray snarled, "As if I'd leave you alone with this crazy mass murderer!"

Natsu didn't know what else to do than playing dirty. He embraced Gray from behind, raised himself on tiptoes and snuggled his chin up to the crook of Gray's neck. Hoping that Zeref wouldn't hear, Natsu whispered, "Lydia said it's essential that I gain his trust. She said he won't hurt me. I need information from him to save you, so please, trust me and leave us alone. Even if he kills me, so what? Time will be turned back anyway. Don't waste this chance, I beg you."

Gray shuddered, his heart rate picking up even faster. Natsu didn't feel well telling so many lies at once, but he saw no other way. He didn't know what exactly he needed from Zeref, or if he really wasn't in danger of being attacked, but he'd find out soon. It was like he said—even if Zeref killed him, it wasn't going to be a problem.

"I... o-okay."

Natsu loosened his grip, and Gray used the opportunity to turn around, snatching a chaste kiss before stepping away. He nodded toward Happy and the others, and then they retreated in the direction from which they'd come. Natsu could hear Gray say that they should go back to the ship.

"Are you two... a couple?" Zeref asked when the others were out of earshot, his eyes still glassy, but his expression unreadable.

Natsu snarled, "I don't see how that's any of your business."

A small smile spread out on Zeref's face, and it nearly looked as if he admired Natsu. "You've... grown up. Not only do I get to see you again after so many years, but also your boyfr—" he clutched his head— "ngh, ah, shit, run!"

The black clouds around him were back. "Run! Your scarf can't protect you a second time! Run!"

This time, Natsu didn't hesitate. He ran out of the attack's range and only went back after he made sure that the black clouds were gone.

"What's the meaning of this?" Natsu asked. It didn't appear like Zeref had any control over what was happening, so the least he could do was to explain what triggered it.

Zeref dropped his head. "I'm cursed... Ankhseram, the contradictory curse. The more I value life, the more I kill. I'm amazed you don't know this when you do know that our lives are irrevocably connected."

Natsu took a step back, shocked. "I... what? That was just made up to keep Gray from attacking you."

Zeref looked up again, his face blank. "Gray... that's his name? Is he your mate?"

"Mate? What are you talking about?"

"You love him, don't you?"

"Stop sticking your nose into other people's business!"

Zeref furrowed his brows. "You really have forgotten who I am. It's true that it may not be my business, but there's a reason why I'm interested. My name is Zeref Dragneel. I'm your older brother."

Natsu felt as if somebody punched him in the gut. The dark mage Zeref, his older brother? No way! Zeref was supposed to be four hundred years old, so how could Natsu possibly be his younger brother? He was nineteen, for fuck's sake!

"It's only natural that you don't remember me. You were so small when our ways parted. Igneel was the one who raised you, after all."

Never mind him probably lying about his and Natsu's relationship—he knew Ingeel! Did he know something about his whereabouts?

"Where is Igneel?"

Zeref opened his mouth, but then closed it again, shaking his head with a sad look.

Did that mean that he thought Igneel was dead? No. Natsu wouldn't accept that. Igneel wasn't dead, he couldn't be—

"How did you find me? What are you here for? Why do you need to talk to me in private?"

Right. There were more pressing matters at hand, although he'd get back to the Igneel issue when they still had time at the end.

"The oracle of the Magic Council said I have to find you. I have a... problem. You're the only one who can help me, I guess."

Zeref cocked his head. "You're going to have to be more detailed than that."

Natsu gritted his teeth. Why was Zeref's scent so familiar? He shouldn't trust this man, yet he couldn't help but feel secure around him. There was no way he'd let himself trust the dark mage Zeref! He only tolerated his presence because he needed him to revive Gray, period.

"We're all caught in a time loop. A mage turns time back because Gray always dies at the end of the day so that I can save him. I'm the only one whose memories will stay intact; everyone else forgets what happened when the day starts anew. We haven't found a way to save him yet. It appears to be impossible to prevent his death. He died ten times already, and his magic always vanishes at once after his death."

Zeref's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. He took half a step toward Natsu but then flinched and stopped. "Th-that... Why would she send you to me?" He bit his lip. "I can't help you."

There was something he didn't want to say, that much was obvious.

"I know you can, and I don't plan on giving up. If you refuse to help me, this day will loop endlessly. I'll come here again and again, until you give in and help me. You could speed this up if you just tell me now."

Zeref scrutinized Natsu's expression, but whatever he was searching for, he didn't seem to find an answer. After a while of silent staring, he asked, "You love him, don't you?"

Why was he still on about that?

"Does that hold any importance here?"

"It does. I... once revived somebody I love, and I paid a high price... I was cursed."

Revived!

Natsu subconsciously took a step forward. "So you can revive him?"

Zeref lowered his head. "No. I'm already cursed... I can't do it anymore."

Natsu closed the distance between them in with a few quick steps and grabbed him by the collar. "Then teach me!"

"You fool! Stay away from me!" With that, he slapped Natsu's hands away and jumped backward until there was a generous distance between them again.

Well, if that was his condition, then Natsu could work with that. As long as he taught Natsu how to revive Gray, he'd do anything.

"I..." Zeref gulped. Various emotions flickered over his face, as if he was fighting an internal battle. Finally, a shadow passed over his face and his expression went grim and determined. "No. I don't want to do this to you. Even if I could, I wouldn't want to teach you. It would be too painful. I'm sorry."

Too painful? Natsu clenched his fists, trying hard to fight the urge to attack Zeref. "Bullshit! There's nothing that could be more painful than losing him. I mean it. I already killed myself once over this. I'm ready to give my life for him. The oracle said I'm ready and now you're telling me this would be too painful? What would you do in my position? Did you know what awaited you when you revived that person? If yes, you're a fucking hypocrite."

Zeref flinched. "I... I didn't know back then. It's forbidden to bring somebody back to life. That's why the price is so high."

"If you went back in time with the knowledge that you're gonna get cursed for reviving that person, would you still do it?"

Judging from the look on his face, Zeref was close to tears again. He didn't take his eyes off Natsu, an uninterpretable softness in them.

"I would do it again."

"Then teach me. There's no way you could've loved that person more than I love Gray."

Zeref took a tentative step forward, tears glistening in his eyes. "That's... another kind of love. I just—" He gulped. "—don't want you to throw your life away like that. I've always wanted you to be happy." The first tears made their way down his cheeks. "If you do this... you'll have to stay away from the people who are precious to you... o-or you end up k-killing them."

"I told you, that's fine with me. If you truly wanted me to be happy, you'd help me save him. So show me, please."

A sob broke free from Zeref's throat. In the next second, he hunched up and buried his hands in his hair. "Run!"

Natsu ran out of reach before the dark cloud even appeared.

Why did this curse activate every few minutes? Was it normal? Did it hurt the cursed one? Would Natsu end up killing everything and everyone in his close vicinity because he valued life? Did he even value life, when he'd already thrown away his own once?

The black clouds disappeared and with them all the questions in Natsu's head. All that remained was firm resolution. He had to save Gray and this was his only chance.

Back in the clearing, Natsu found Zeref crouching on the dead ground, shivering and crying. Natsu's first impulse was to go over and comfort him. However, he held back, both because of Zeref's request to stay away and because Natsu didn't want to feel sorry for someone who had taken countless lives.

"You'll teach me then?"

Without looking up, Zeref said, "I d-don't even know i-if you're a-able to do it. Y-you'd need a far greater amount of magic than your target... H-how much magic does your boyfriend have?"

"I think... we're about even? I think that if I enter Dragon Force, I have far more than him. It's worth a try."

Zeref lifted his head, his teary eyes meeting Natsu's head-on. "There's no way I can talk you out of this and make you give up, right?"

Oh, thank Mavis! He finally seemed to understand.

"There isn't."

A sigh escaped Zeref's lips as he shook his head. He got to his feet and made a beckoning gesture. "Well then, come closer. Prepare to run at any given time, though."

Natsu was surprised by the request, but didn't hesitate to close the distance. If he wanted this to work out, he had to cooperate after all.

When Zeref reached out for his head, he flinched involuntarily, but scolded himself for it a second later.

'Cooperation. Even if I don't believe in his stories, I need his help. Relax.'

Being up close to Zeref, the scent that invaded his nose was much stronger. Natsu couldn't shake the feeling that it was oddly familiar. There was another faint smell on him, one that Natsu didn't know.

"I won't harm you... well, not intentionally. My curse is the only thing you need to be afraid of, I swear."

There wasn't a trace of dishonesty in his face, so Natsu believed him for now. He nodded, and this time he didn't flinch when Zeref put one hand on his forehead.

"Close your eyes and concentrate on your magic. No need to enter Dragon Force now. I can feel it if you just concentrate on it."

The moment Natsu's eyes shut, he felt the trace of another presence in his body, searching, examining. It lasted only a few seconds until the touch on his forehead was gone. Natsu figured that it was okay to open his eyes again and was met with a doubtful look.

"I'm not sure if it's enough if what you say is correct and his magic and yours are level when you're not in Dragon Force. You might end up using up all of your magic if you try."

"That's okay."

Zeref took a step back, glaring at Natsu. "No, it's not okay! Do you know what happens when a mage runs out of magic? They die. If you die, then your lover dies as well. In case you manage to revive him first, that is."

"Why would he die?"

Zeref bit his lip, apparently battling with himself over his next words. He sucked in a deep breath. "If you revive him, his life will forever be bound to yours. If you want him to live, then you need to stay alive as well."

This information made Natsu's head spin. It all made sense now. Lydia's words. His sacrifice. The bond he needed to form with Gray. The apple Lydia was talking about, a forbidden fruit. He was about to do something forbidden, as per Zeref's definition. He had to 'live in order to save his beloved one'. He wouldn't be allowed to be together with Gray. This had to be how he was going to save Gray. That meant...

"It's going to work out just fine. The oracle saw it. She said I'll make the right decision, and I choose this. Teach me. I'm gonna make it work."

Zeref didn't look convinced. "I needed years of research until I was able to revive... that person. Even if you're able to succeed, you're not going to learn this in a few minutes. You said time is turned back because your lover dies, and that he dies at the end of the day. How much time do we have left?"

Natsu checked his watch, surprised to see that it was already half past six.

"Half an hour until he dies."

Zeref shook his head. "That's not nearly enough. We'll have to meet again in the next repetition. Do you already have a plan how to go about things with your lover? You said everyone beside you loses their memory. Have you thought about what you'll tell him, or if you want to let him know what's going to happen?"

Good question indeed. Natsu hadn't yet thought about either, seeing as he hadn't known what exactly was awaiting him.

Zeref continued without waiting for an answer: "There's something else you should know. He won't be fully human anymore if you revive him."

"What do you mean?"

Zeref looked away. "He'll be... a demon. Your demon."

Natsu flinched. A demon!

"Are you kidding me? There's no way I'll turn him into some human-eating beast! Why didn't you tell me this earlier?"

Zeref looked back up with wide eyes and his mouth open in surprise. "Human-eating beast...? You clearly have a wrong impression of a demon. That's... not what a demon is like. He'll still be himself and likely not even notice that anything changed."

Liar.

Natsu clenched his fists. "Deliora killed Gray's parents. One of your demons! I've already fought another one, myself. You want to tell me they're no different from humans? Bullshit!"

"His parents?" Zeref gulped, and then hesitantly continued, "He must hate me with a burning passion."

"He does."

"Why don't you hate me?"

"How do you know that I don't?"

Zeref studied his face closely. "You're right. I don't know that. You need me to revive your friend, but you could still hate me. Well, then. Deliora and that other demon you fought were created out of nothing. Gray won't be any different from now except that he'll have a demonic form which makes him stronger, but he probably won't ever find out unless it gets activated."

"When does it get activated?"

"He can either activate it consciously, but that presumes he knows of his demonic side, which he won't unless somebody tells him. Or it'll get activated when he's desperate to defeat an enemy he wouldn't stand a chance against under normal circumstances. At least that's what my research suggests. There might be other circumstances in which the demonic form activates, but there's no way we can know that. After all, the only human demon I've ever created—" He lowered his gaze and with it also his voice. "—doesn't know that he's a demon yet."

"Yet? When did you revive him? How old is he?"

Zeref shook his head. "Human demons aren't immortal if that's what you want to know. They age like humans. There's another thing you need to know. You'll need a book for this and you'll have to guard it like gold afterward. Gray's life will depend not only on your life, but also on the book. If it gets destroyed, he dies."

A book...? The dream he had on the seventh repeat suddenly replayed in his mind.

~

"Make it stop! You're going to kill him! We've suffered enough!"

"Too bad for you I'm not a person. I don't even have a body. I can't change this no matter what you say. These blades won't stop until your lover is dead, no matter what."

"Then what can I do?"

"Oh, I don't know. But did you see what's next to you?"

Natsu frantically looked around, searching for anything that would help him fend off the blades, but all he found was a book, buried under some stones. He kicked them aside to have a free view on the book and noticed that it was his diary.

"How can a book save Gray from blades?"

~

His diary. It wasn't supposed to prevent Gray's death, but to bring him back to life.

Natsu reached for the rucksack on his back and took it off. He practically tore the book out of it, uncaring that he ripped a seam of the brown bag.

"This—" He held up the diary for Zeref to see. "—is the most precious book I have." It was also the only book he possessed, but there was no need to tell him that.

"Yeah, that should work."

"Good. One more thing: you said he won't notice, but Porlyusica said his magic vanishes right after his death. Will he get his magic back?"

"Naturally. That's why you need such a huge amount of magic in the first place. How much time do we have left before time rewinds?"

Natsu glanced at his watch. "Twenty minutes, given that Ultear turns it back right away... Oh! Wait, I think I can buy us another hour. But I'd have to do it soon, otherwise it'll be too late."

Zeref stared at Natsu in disbelief. "Well, if you say so. I shall just... wait here until you're back, then."

Natsu didn't even bother to stuff the diary back into his rucksack, but instead kept it in his hands when he ran off in the direction the others had left.

Following their scents back to the ship brought him there in a matter of a few minutes. Happy spotted him the second he emerged from the trees. He flew to Natsu and carried him back onto the ship, where everyone crowded Natsu as soon as he set foot on deck.

Gray slung his arms tightly around Natsu, ignoring the diary altogether. "Are you all right? How did it go?"

Natsu didn't want to give away too much information since he hadn't yet decided how to go about things. It was standing to reason that Gray wouldn't want to be turned into a demon, seeing as a demon killed his family. What Natsu would tell him was something he'd think about later, after he knew what exactly he had to do to Gray. So, for now, he decided to stay vague.

"Yeah, all right. It's going well so far, but I'll need more time with him. That's why I came." Without breaking the embrace, he looked at Jellal. "Please call Ultear."

Gray pushed him an arm's length away. "Did he try to hurt you?"

"No. And he won't."

"How can you know that? He's a dark mage! He killed my family! Why do you trust him?"

Careful, a voice inside his head warned him.

"I don't trust him. Lydia said he's our only chance to save you. I have to do this or I'll never be able to re- ... save you."

Gray's eyes widened and he shook Natsu by the shoulders. "What is it? If we have to kill him in order to save my life, then let me help."

Shit. What to say? Natsu would have to lie. Telling Gray what he really was about to do was out of the question.

Thankfully Jellal saved him from needing to answer by clearing his throat and announcing that the connection with Ultear was enabled. Natsu broke free from Gray's grip and stepped before the communication lacrima.

Convincing her of giving him the extra hour after Gray's death again proved to be easy. He only needed to mention that he'd found a way to save Gray but needed more time to learn how. She didn't ask any further questions, apparently noticing that he was in a rush.

Making Gray stay on the ship afterward was another matter altogether. He didn't take the message well that he was going to die again, insisting that he at least needed to protect Natsu's life if his was lost already.

"My life isn't in danger."

"No. I don't trust him," Gray snarled right into Natsu's face.

"Don't you trust me when I say it's okay?"

"How should you know it's going to be okay?"

This wasn't going anywhere. It was time to reveal some information and pressure Gray.

"Lydia showed me the future. I saw that it's going to be all right, but if you hold me back any longer, it's going to fail. So let me go. Now."

"But—"

Makarov intervened by slapping Gray's hands off Natsu. "I think that's enough. Your only choice is to rely on Natsu, and if that's too much to ask, then I shall personally make sure you won't follow him." He turned his head toward Natsu. "Go, my child."

Natsu nodded at him briefly, ignoring Gray's shocked stare altogether. Happy grabbed Natsu by the scarf without being asked and carried him back onto the island, to the spot where Zeref waited. Natsu thanked him, opened his mouth to ask Happy to leave them alone, but it turned out to be needless. His friend already flew off, shouting, "Please take care of yourself," on his way up.

Zeref appeared not to have moved a centimeter while Natsu was gone. He silently observed everything and waited until Happy was well out of earshot before speaking.

"How long do we have?"

Natsu glanced at his watch. Seven pm. That meant Gray was about to—

'No. Don't think about that now.'

"Exactly an hour from now."

"Okay. I'd prefer to use this hour for preparations rather than teaching. You have to make some decisions, and you need to have a clear mind when we start."

Natsu hung his head low. He'd have to leave his friends, his family behind. He needed to think about how to end things. Should he just sneak away without saying a word, leaving them wondering what happened? They'd probably search for him everywhere, not leaving a stone unturned. Better not. A clear cut would be for the best. He didn't want anyone to hope that he'd return when there was no chance that he ever could.

"It's probably for the best if I tell them that I'll drop out of the guild for some reason. And then I'll... I don't know, live somewhere on my own, far away from other humans, just like you."

Zeref nodded. "That's a wise decision. Do you already know where? Judging from the behavior of your better half, he won't let you go that easily. After his revival, he'll be unconscious for a while, but when he wakes up, he'll surely search for you. You better get away from there as soon as possible."

"Yeah, I better... I don't know any place that's uninhabited. Maybe staying on this island until I find somewhere to stay would be best."

Zeref's eyes opened wide in surprise. "N-no. You can't. That's out of the question."

Why did he react this strongly?

"What's the big deal? I can live on the other end of the island. It's big enough for the both of us after all. I can survive on my own, so you don't have to look after me or anything."

"No! That's not the point."

Zeref looked terrified. What exactly was his problem?

"Your curse won't reach me and my curse won't reach you. That's what's bothering you, right? Unless the range of my curse may differ from yours?"

Zeref determinedly shook his head. "No. Even if it does, that's not it. This island is not a safe place for you."

"What do you mean? Are there any monsters here who'll eat me while I'm sleeping?"

Zeref's jaw dropped. "Err... no, but... you're not that far off."

"Is there another person on this island? There's a scent on you that doesn't belong to you."

After a second of staring in disbelief, Zeref let out a defeated sigh. "Person...? I think monster fits him better. Have you ever heard of Acnologia?"

Natsu shook his head, which prompted Zeref to tell him the story of a Dragon Slayer called Acnologia who was born over four hundred years ago. He became corrupted by his power and eradicated all the dragons, bathed in their blood and finally transformed into a dragon himself, with the ability to shift between his human and dragon form anytime. Zeref said that his goal was to kill all the Dragon Slayers, and thus Natsu shouldn't come anywhere near him.

"But I'm already here and he hasn't come to kill me yet."

"That's because I'm with you. He knows you're my little brother and that I'll protect you. He can't defeat me, so there's no way he could kill you while I'm with you."

"Then just let me stay with you. He won't attack me this way, right?"

Natsu bit his tongue. Why did he propose something like that? Zeref was his enemy, a liar, and the one who was responsible for the death of Gray's parents, along with other countless lives.

Then again, he was also the one who would help him to save Gray's life. For whatever reason, Natsu couldn't help but feel secure around Zeref. His scent was too familiar and soothing, and Natsu's nose never lied. Was it true that Zeref was his big brother? Why should he lie about such a thing in the first place?

"True, he probably won't attack, but what do you think will happen if two cursed people stay in the same place? I've never met anyone else who was also cursed, but I guess we'd just—" He gulped. "—end up hurting one another."

"We could... stay close to each other but always with a... what, twenty-meter distance between us? Come on, I don't want to have to search for a place to stay before I save Gray." Natsu let out an unhappy sigh. "This is already... hard on me."

Zeref sucked in a sharp breath, looking worried. "I... sorry. Well, if you really do stay away from me, I guess it's okay... until you find somewhere else to stay. But that way he'll still find out..." He trailed off and left it at that, not showing any inclination to continue his sentence.

"Find out what?"

"That... uh, that you're here."

"Why should that be a secret?"

Zeref's eyes narrowed. "Like I said, he's going to try to kill you. It'd be better if he didn't know your whereabouts."

Natsu still didn't understand why that should be a problem when Zeref was around to protect him, but then Zeref changed the topic, making Natsu forget about the question.

"Do you think you could come here a bit earlier on the next repeat so that I have more time to teach you? Don't forget you'll also have to convince me anew to teach you in the first place since I think I'll forget what happened today, right? At least I have no recollection of this day ever happening before."

Natsu felt his insides clench at the thought that he'd have to do repeat everything he said. And just when he thought that he'd never have to repeat his words again because of Lucy's brilliant solution...

'Wait. What's wrong with giving Zeref a page of the diary, too?'

Natsu suggested the idea, explaining that the pages of his diary would stay where they were. Zeref accepted the suggestion and also offered that in this case, he could come to wherever Natsu was. It was admittedly the most comfortable solution, but Natsu didn't want him to come to their guild and possibly cause a commotion. Thus, he asked Zeref to meet him in the woods near Magnolia. Together, they thought about a time for the meeting and decided that all things considered, early afternoon would be reasonable. Zeref would need some hours to get to Magnolia. Natsu had some things to take care of in the morning, plus he had to be at his strongest for the lesson and therefore should eat lunch before they met.

By the time Zeref sat down to write a text for himself, Natsu's head was spinning. Too much information, too many unanswered questions. His thoughts were in total disarray. There was a lump in his throat that made breathing difficult, but he couldn't make it go away. The questions would have to wait until the next repeat to be asked, seeing as their time was running out. Zeref had only little time left to write a text that would convince himself of helping Natsu out.

Zeref chose pages nearing the end of the diary to write on. When he was finished and about to tear the pages out, Natsu flinched and shouted, "Wait!"

Zeref paused, staring up at Natsu questioningly.

"That book... You said Gray's life will be bound to it and that I have to protect it."

"Yeah, well, but that's only after you've conducted the revival. I advise you not to rip out any pages after that, but it's no problem if I do it now."

Natsu nodded, checking his watch nervously. A minute before eight.

"Hurry. It's safest if you put it somewhere in a pocket. A friend of mine already proved it'll stay there."

Zeref nodded, did as he was told, and then got to his feet.

"We don't have much time left, right?"

"No. A minute, tops."

Zeref seemed to fight with himself for a second, but then he met Natsu's gaze head-on. "I don't mean to keep secrets from you, but I didn't tell you the whole truth today. I wasn't sure if I should burden you any more than you already are. I'll tell you the next time we meet, so please ask me about our past. You have a right to know."

This made Natsu's head spin even more. He wasn't able to decide whether he should be happy or angry or whatever, so he went for a simple, "Oh. Okay."

A sad smile spread out on Zeref's face. "I'm truly happy to have met you again and to soon have you back in my life if everything goes as you plan. I just wish the circumstances weren't this unfortunate. I mean it when I say that I want you to be happy. If you're really going to be cursed, I'll do anything to be able to break it and bring you and y—" He clutched his head. "Ahhh! No! Run!"

Natsu was about to follow his request, but then dizziness overcame him. He saw the sphere expanding, heard Zeref screaming at him to run, but Natsu passed out before the black clouds came anywhere near him.

Mirajane's Notes

Day 11:

Jellal barged into the guild this morning. He dragged Gray out. I followed, but Jellal requested me to stay out of it.

They didn't come back until shortly before noon. Natsu and the others stormed right into Master's office, and a few minutes later, they left with Makarov in tow. I followed them until Magnolia station. Natsu told me he met the Oracle of the Magic Council today and he will be able to save Gray. She told him to go to Tenrou Island. Apparently, the key to Gray's salvation lays on that island.

I

No update next Sunday. I'm still not sure how long Chapter 22 will be.

Thanks for your reassuring words on the last chapter :)

Your thoughts on this chapter? Any idea about future chapters you want to share?

[tokyoteddywolf]

Everyone is all over the Valentine's Day stuff.........

But, as today (in my timezone) is my grandpa's birthday, I'll probably have leftover cake to eat tomorrow!

Oh, and I've got chocolate money, thankfully! Tomorrow I'm taking Mum out to that little candy store off one of the main roads~ I haven't been there in years, but their chocolate was always excellent!

Well, only if I survive.......it happens to be student led conferences this week, and mine is in 2 hours.....my Mum is generally a forgiving person, but my grades haven't been good this year......as in I'm failing everything and it's kind of depressing, which kills my motivation, which makes me not want to do anything, which means my homework never gets done, therefore my grades go below passing. Vicious cycle, anyone?

At least Dad won't be there......he has this mean streak that when my grades suck, he constantly grumbles about me failing and brings it up every chance he gets, which irritates me. He's generally a nice, funny guy......until you tick him off. Mum says he's got a mean sense of humor, really. Short tempered too. If Mum is water, Dad is fire. Probably why they split. Well, not the main reason, but still. Dad has his nice moments, and I've even seen him cry, so he isn't completely heartless. He's better than he was when I was little, thankfully. (I'm still scared of getting injured and belts, and yelling at me is kind of triggering really. If someone moves towards me too fast, I either flinch or bolt away. Especially if it's your arm or hand.) But he doesn't do that anymore! I was just a really really aggressive child at school. I got in trouble a lot. I can clearly remember flipping a boy over my shoulder when he tried to bully me back in 4th grade. Dad taught me that move, and the cool thing is that the teachers all saw it as self defense since the kid pushed me first. His buddies also backed off after that. I think my childhood aggression stems from the fact that recent blood testing on me (they've taken 7 or so vials of blood from me already, and that's just from January til now! My inner elbow veins are gonna scar at this rate ;^;) showed that I have unusually high testosterone levels.

Maybe I've had it all my life, I dunno. They're still running tests at the labs over there, at the hospital. I take meds for it now, though my body has to get used to it and usually does so by kicking my emotions up to crazy out of control and ramping up my ADHD to the point I stumble over speaking rapidly because my mouth can't keep up with my thoughts anymore. Or makes me want to cry, which I hate doing because I don't like water and it gets in my mouth and it's icky and salty and makes my face hurt.

Oh boy. I just realized this post is all over the place like when I talk. ADHD is a garden hoe, I swear. I'm gonna stop confusing you people now and go back to looking at fanfics on AO3. So uh, bye! Sorry for the rant :| :/