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Today was a long day at work. My back is just...ruining my life at this point. I thought it got better after I stopped taking the new meds but no go. I cannot even explain how much agony I am in when I wake up in the morning. I cannot even sit up. I have to kinda roll over, swing my legs in hopes I can roll to the edge of the bed. I am worried I've actually slipped a disk or something. My GP has not called me back despite my calling them three times. Tomorrow I'm gonna get nasty on the phone and demand they send me a referral for an MRI because I think I need to explore getting some cortisone shots in my back or something. Or give me the referral I asked for PT. I cannot live like this.
My evening was improved by my brother sending over the cutest video from my six year old niece asking me which MLP was my favorite. So I sent her a reply back with my bright purple/pink hair clearly visible telling her I had not seen the new MLP and we'd have to watch it when she's here next month. Which....on one hand god help me, did I just sign up to watch MLP? But on the other, quality time with my niece so I'll take it.
Now, I find myself at an impasse. I could write, I'm in the middle of writing a very fun scene with lots of verbal sparring with Walon Vau. But I also kinda want to read but my reading history is in A B S O L U T E shambles.
I've been reading a lot of Grashir the past few days but I have a couple of D&D HAT fics written by some authors who I adore like Weatherlaw who have been posting WIP's I just haven't had a chance to read yet. On top of that I have like three or four COD fics I stopped midway through because of ADD. And now I'm teetering on the edge of falling down a FR rabbit hole. Cause there's new fics in the Notorious verse which I have not read.
I also kinda lowkey want to see one angsty Jarlaxle/Zak fic where they realize maybe two centuries of separation has changed Jarlaxle and he's not the person Zak used to know and maybe they're not suited to be lovers anymore and should they maybe start as friends. Meanwhile Artemis is totally not lowkey freaking out about this super important figure in Jarlaxle's past who has shown up out of nowhere and is potentially going to upset the delicate balance of their relationship.
BUT I HAVE NOT FOUND THIS FIC SO FAR AND I AM SAD.
Not because I want to see some divisive this pairing is superior to the other so much as people change and it gives you this bittersweet realization that when you see someone you haven't seen in a decade or two and you realize despite being best of friends or maybe something else in the past, you've both changed and you need to examine your relationship and come to terms with the ghosts of that previous relationship and whether you need to redefine it and give it a new meaning.
So any enterprising fic writer out there in the FR fandom, please take my bunny and give it a good home. I don't have the time or attention span for it. Or the brain power to read the most recent books. I still have the entire Generations trilogy sitting on my kindle which I haven't read so for all I know that's been addressed in some way, shape or form.
I thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink I'm going to be good and write. I'm getting closer and closer to finishing Seeds.
I think I might actually do something super special when I finish this fucking fanfic because yanno what? I will have written essentially two full length novels or one god damned GRRM/Robert Jordan length novel by the time I finish this damned fanfic.
#el writes#el reads#so many fanfic#the adhd is real right now#fanfic bunny adoption#forgotten realms#jarlaxle x artemis#jarlaxle x zaknafein
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lol thought the dopamine crash was over but I just stood in the kitchen and burst into tears at the thought of the number of steps involved in making food lol somebody medicate me I am BEGGING
#ive literally had a bag of crisps today <- girl convinced shes doing better today#10 month waiting list for adhd meds looking real undoable right now actually#kez talks
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Okay children, gather around. It's "Spencer Complains and Acts a Little Mad" Time:
I have been raw dogging life for 1 month without my adhd/depression/anxiety/mood stabilizers medication and without a single Therapy appointment
I haven't left my house in 1 month, I haven't spoken to any of my (in person) friends in over 1 month, I haven't seen my family in 1 month, I haven't seen my bloody cat in over 1 month, I've barely left my bloody room in over 1 month, and I've been listening to my bloody voice almost every day for 1 hour so I can finish editing the bloody podcast for over a month
To top it all of: I haven't had a decent night's sleep in about 4 days now (in which I just don't sleep or I have extremely vivid nightmares with my departed mother and/or scenarios where I die over and over and over again but can't speak to ask for help before it happens - fun for all the family, if you ask me) and I might or might not be completely and absolutely going insane, with only Good Omens season 1 (6/6) and season 2 (5/6) and the existence of Crowley/red haired Fire Pokemon David Tennant Edition being my sole producer of any amount of serotonin
How am I alive? Good question. Beautiful genderfluid demonic content can be some very nice very distracting content for individuals that simp for Fire Type David Tennant Pokemon like myself
I am quite sure my only contact with anything mental health related in the past weeks has been my best friend whom is very very annoying and refuses to leave me the heck alone and whom is a nurse and is working extra time to advice my stupid ass the best she can, bless her heart
So, with my personal nurse's permission, I have doubled my sleeping medication for the night and, as Fall Out Boy once wrote for the song "Alone Together" in one of my favorite albums to have ever been created "Save Rock and Roll": I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead
#i took so long writing this nonesense for no other reason other than the fact its 2 am and no one makes good decisions at 2 am#that i am actually already feeling sleepy#if my best friend actually manages to give me 1 good nights sleep i will kiss that woman in the mouth and get hitched with her in ibiza#jk shes straight as shit and shes like a sister to me so that scenario is making me cringe but the sentiment prevails#alas dont do drugs unless your doctor tells you to kids#or your nurse best friend#bro im getting so sleepy the word “nurse” aint even looking right anymore#is that even a real word#yes#google says it is#it is not about viking mythology like a thought for about 2 seconds#okay good good nice nice#anyway#i talked about you know what so i have to tag this post for my adhd sake#good omens#crowley#anthony j crowley#david tennant#there#in case anyone cares about a post that mentions crowley for 1 second while in rhe middle of a whole ass sleep drug inflicted rant#lowkey kinda sure ive writen more in the tags now than the damn post jesus christ#hopefully ill be able to have money to buy my medication on the 12th and ill be somewhat mentally stable by the 14th#which means i might actually upload my fanfic next tuesday if my brain is working again#night peeps dont let the bed bugs bite#idk what im saying anymore#my closet just banged by itself and now im scared#sully?#mike?#bo?
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Interesting. Don’t necessarily think I’m autistic but I have more going on than just ADHD and I’m not sure what that is.
#I’m not even sure if the ADHD is actually ADHD either or if it’s just technology addiction#Gonna get a REAL neuropsych evaluation at some point out of sheer curiosity as to what the fuck is wrong with me#I relate to a lot of autistic things and I relate to a lot of ADHD things; but I don’t entirely relate to the majority of either population#and I don’t relate to people with both enough to think I have both#I’ve begun treating myself as if I am autistic just for Kicks and using things that help them and it’s helping in some ways#but I know it’s probably not autism because even though I struggle socially; it’s not because of the same reasons#I understand social cues; I was only accidentally perceived as rude as a kid (and most kids are kind of blunt)#(Mostly a moderate amount of “Stop correcting me! It’s disrespectful!” from my parents)#And nowadays because of how much psychology and acting I study; I can perceive shrimp social cues#And I’m purposefully doing all the right things but it still feels like I fail social interactions because of my lack of assertiveness#which I KNOW come from being raised in a cult#so perhaps my odd social behavior is from CPTSD from being raised in a puritan doomsday cult as an only child#Because I was NOT introverted or sensitive to others as a child#I did not have routines as a child and the ones I did have were for fun and did not distress me if I strayed from them#But now I need structure as an adult because I don’t know what else to do with myself if I have nowhere to be#But at the same time everyone feels worse when they have no routine or expectations#And is it actually inattentive ADHD or severe derealization and an itch to do as many things as possible#because I spent my childhood being raised in a boring doomsday cult by disabled older parents who couldn’t physically do much?#(And I don’t fault my parents for being disabled but I do fault them for the whole doomsday cult thing)#So I spent my whole childhood doing mentally tedious things when really I’m more wired for physically spontaneous things#Because I was not allowed to walk around the neighborhood alone until I was sixteen#And I couldn’t hang out with friends I wanted to hang out with because they were bad association#So of course I got really good at drawing even though I don’t even like drawing that much#Of course I got really good at writing even though I don’t like writing that much#Now that I don’t need to escape from anything I find I actually hate drawing and writing because it’s such a chore#they make my heart rate accelerate in a way I don’t like to feel#(I hate writing less than drawing)
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#sorry let me rant real quick in the tags#cw personal#once again hitting an insurance pothole bc the psych says she accepts my OHP plan HOWEVER the therapy group she is contacted with says#THEY don't#they only accept the insurance if it's through my employer but NOT through the government??????????????#so there's still some kind of payment???#anyway I want to scream why is this so complicated#like will she take my insurance or not who's right here#anyway called her back directly and went to voicemail so now I've done all I can for now#why the hell is this so hard man#the person on the phone didn't know really how to explain#once again no one knows what they're talking about#like can y'all not communicate and figure this out?#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#i need to get an ADHD eval before my next PCP appointment in june so that they will continue giving me my meds#and the psychiatry through the hospital has a limited number of visits that insurance will cover#*contracted#not retyping all of that#and once again the only reason this is so stressful is because the psychiatry group at the hospital fumbled the communication ball last tim#and the psychiatrist I was with never put the ADHD on the chart#and now somehow it's MY responsibility to fix that>#UGH#like I am grateful to have some kind of coverage but holy shit is the US healthcare system in shambles#the bureaucracy is INSANE#i had to just sit down and put my head in my hands for a second#and then go 'right okay nothing i can do about that rn moving on'#uGH#literally said 'what the FUCK' out loud a couple times#like not on the phone after I hung up obvs
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22/12/2023 Non-exhaustive status update on the new Bugsnax Wiki! (Created by Betterdonutgalaxy; I've just been contributing and wanted to share)
Days Public: 42 Total Pages (Including Files, Categories, Templates, and Similar): 1,406 Total Content Pages: 211 Stub Pages (Content pages with large pieces still to be added): 169 Images Uploaded: 641 Sound Files Uploaded: 321 Bugsnak Pages: 75/112 Main Character (characters with dialogue) Pages: 16/16 Other Character Pages: 4 I Don't Know If The Snaxsquatch Is A Character Or A Bugsnak: 1/1 Area pages: 9/12 Quest Pages: 23/173 Tool and Sauce Pages: 12/19 Clue Pages: 1/12 Lists: 19 Edits Made: 2,966 Users With At Least One Edit: 12 Fancy templates: Several
So there's still a lot to do, and a lot of stubs to fill out, but a lot's been done, too!
#Bugsnax#The host's having some kind of issue that's messing up the formatting right now but it's still usable#Recent Changes is a bit hard to read#Also I just spammed it with 121 media category related edits so that's probably not helping#I'm trying to help with structural stuff but spending several hours doing repetitive tasks related to my obsession is my real speciality#Autism and ADHD are a combination I think
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Does anyone else get REALLY overwhelmed really fast when someone starts talking to you with your headphones on?
#ryders rambles#my mom keeps doing this thing#where she just starts talking conversationally to me when I have my headphones on and I have to ask her to repeat and then she#and it’s like I’m doing a thing right now please I’m in the middle of it I’m not stopping mid song to listen to this it will explode my#brain#and then she’ll sometimes tell me somthing important with them on and she’ll have me stop to listen real quick#and then when she’s done I’ll put them back on and she’ll watch me with her eyeballs and she’ll then remember somthing Else n just start#talking to me WITH THE HEADPHONES ON STILL#and I’m like?????#I Need people to understand if I’m wearing my headphones that means leave me alone Im not In the human beings mood#like I can’t be conversational all the time especially not with the women who traumatized me as child#slight vent#small vent#vent in tags#neurodivergent things#adhd#okay this feels like a trait of autism#but I’m not tagging it as such because I have no idea if I’m autistic or not so whatever#mental caboodle tag#4am#Ren Go to Sleep
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the key to being productive is macrodosing all your procrastination on a single 5 minute task over the course of several weeks, months, and resolving that shame - not by completing the task, oh no - but by avoiding it to the point you complete a hundred others in its place. you’ll never shake the feeling of the devil’s hand in yours but you will be unstoppable
#not that i can relate or anything#definitely not avoiding something right now#in my hypothetical defense tho#my dear email correspondent (derogatory) takes far longer than I do#anyway real tags here we go#procrastination#productivity#adhd#executive dysfunction#life hacks#funny#bad advice#motivation#work#mine
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Adventures in object permanence and not fucking having any: Christmas edition
Husband's Xmas present came in the mail today. My afternoon plan had been to wrap presents, so I put it on the table to wrap first. So that was at like, 7am.
But by the afternoon, I had forgotten why it seemed to imoortant to wrap gifts - I still have time to mail them out to Kentucky, why was it such a big deal? I wanted to shower and make cookies instead so that's what I did.
Then Husband came home and squeaked and covered his eyes and that is when I remembered the three foot long box sitting unwrapped on the table I have been walking past since 7am. Which has ceased to exist to me until he said something.
At least I don't have to wrap it now???
#i have nothing nice to say about myself right now#just neurodivergent things#actually audhd#actually autistic#actually neurodivergent#actually adhd#mental illness#diary post#adhd rsd#rsd things#no for real though#i am using epithets against myself that i cannot repeat here#because even mentioning them would get me shoved into a cannon and fired into the sun#OK BUT I AM EXPECTED TO HAVE A JOB ???#I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER SOMETHING EXISTS EVEN WHEN I PUT IT IN PLAIN SIGHT#HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HOLD DOWN A JOB WHEN I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHY I HAVE TO WRAP PRESENTS
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Where are you? 🥺
Btw miraak, a lot has happened this year! Life is going better :D i wonder if you would cheer up for your cultists (or last dragonborn!)
So Much happened this year on my end too honesly. So Much. I'm glad life is going better for you ! I can only hope it keeps doing so !
#i'd say. mine as well#[ALSO REAL MOD TALK HERE. IM NOT DEAD I JUST HAVE ADHD]#[SO I FORGET SOMETIMES. AND THEN WHEN I COME BACK. IM LIKE OH FUCK IS IT TOO LATE TO COME BACK ???]#[anyway mod's on adhd meds now]#[i don't know if that'll make me more regular but surely i can answer the backlog of asks]#[uh oh right i have tags i'm supposed to use here right]#miraak#tes fanart#skyrim#the elder scrolls#skyrim fanart#thanks for the ask!
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grounding techniques sound like such bs until you’re actually in the thick of it and suddenly find yourself counting shit you can touch and hear n etc and suddenly it’s like oh ok. Horrors are done
#aka. We had a moment 👍#but I’m ok now.#Helps having a very very clingy cat who sits on you as if she’s been trained to do that when she most certainly has not been#Anyyyyway. I need to get Diagnosed .#the one like non-catastrophizing thought I had in that mess ‘wow they weren’t kidding#this Girl can Need To Go Back to Therapy’#Realizing that thing ur previous therapist suggested you might have may actually have some weight to it. Like. Awww fuck#That’s like so much to deal with. I’d like to opt out of this mental health issue thanks.#Not adhd. The Other Thing. The Scary Thing (to me)#I’m dodging saying it because I’m in the phase of like ‘if I dont say it it’s not real’ where right now I can be in denial 👍#because I’m NOT diagnosed. I’ve just had two separate counselors tell me I probably have it. 👍#Which could mean nothing. <- lying to self#vent#<- I mean yes it counts so I’m tagging it as such#clamtalk#it’s 1am I need to bed . Long day tomorrow.
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(whispers in your ear in a fellow ADHD-haver manner) Learn to sew, learn to sew, it's such a good life skill, you'll be able to fix tears and make adorable fandom plushies and turn your textile dreams to reality, do iiiiiiiit, join us~!!!
NO NOT THE ENCOURAGEMENT ANYTHING BUT THE ENCOURAGEMENT
#Such enabling! Such betrayal! and from a fellow adhd haver too! how could you????? /j#For real though right now is somehow both the best and the worst possible time for a new interest#Best bcs I'm currently in between hyperfixations and i can feel the little hooks of fixation in my brain just waiting to dig into something#And worst because I'm not at home for the next few days and can't do anything even if I wanted to#And by the time I return the moment will have probably passed#So we'll see ig#tho the idea of making fandom and other plushies in general is very alluring ngl#Bcs I've wanted a grimmchild plushie for a while now and the only seller I know of is in Canada I think. The shipping prices would be insan#But... If I learn how to do it myself... Hmm... 🤔#Or those butterflies/moths you shared those are so so cute#So‚ maybe‚ the interest will actually somehow manage to last long enough for me to do anything about it. who knows! We'll see!
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urgh you know that post about "people who weren't abused don't wish they were abused"
I'm having a real fun night wrestling with that
#add these together real quick for me#high expectations plus high capability but executive dysfunction making me fail at school for 17 years 12 grades and one year of college#fucked sleep cycle bc i was recovering from school so late into the night that i rarely got more than 6-7 hours meaning i woke up sleepy#for all of high school needing to run to school to not be late so on top of waking up late I'm also exhausted when i get to school#having friends but no real close friends *in* school plus a bad relationship giving me serious abandonment issues#and dealing with parents and family that constantly Know Better Than Me especially when im being political#plus ADHD making it difficult for me to argue effectively or even converse for a long time bc i lose focus and space out way too easily#i don't. i. i just. urgh. i know i'm a bit of a basket case but i don't have to like it#...can't even cuddle my blahaj right now... hell world hell world hell world#i think i will simply try to cry. i say try bc i spent years suppressing my ability to cry bc i was supposed to Be A Man and Men Don't Cry#so that'll probably fail. but ill try anyway. and put on some music#then fall asleep and hope that i wake up feeling a little better#...i think im an optimist bc pessimism would kill me
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Had an ADHD assessment a few years ago and the fuckwit that assessed me said, as a direct quote, "You're too smart to have ADHD." Like that's not any type of paraphrasing, that stupid fucking statement is burned in my brain forever and has been since I heard it.
I talked to my psychiatrist about getting a referral to a different psychologist for assessment, and she agreed and sent it in.
Today I got a call that said they don't agree that I need reassessment, and I'm welcome to pursue it elsewhere, but they won't provide reassessment. Which is just.
I don't even know where to start with that one. I just needed to get it out. I'm so tired.
#'we really dont think youre adhd so were not even going to let you pay to check again'#WHAT#thats an option?#they can just say that they really dont think its a problem for me so they wont waste their time?#the first fuckwit that assessed me said im too fucking smart to have adhd!!#thats not a fucking compliment and every professional ive spoken to since then has said 'yesh thats not right tey for reassessment'#i just had to write this down because#this morning i was showering before work and they called me and left a message#so i checked the message right before work cuz i saw it was them and i assumed they wanted to set up the reassessment#because i got a referral. but theur message literally just said that bullshit#and because it was right before work i had to pack that away#because trying to deal with that in addition to a shift at fucking mcdonalds wouldve killed me#but because i set it aside i just keep forgetting about it. so i needed to write this down to remind myself#that this is my life and this is the bullshit i get to deal with in this life#im so tired. i dont even know what to say here. what to think or anything#'youre too smart to have adhd. we're so sure of that that we're not gonna check again. waste someone else's time. bye!'#i wish the world worked the way healthcare 'professionals' think it works#what a beautiful world it would be. you could lose weight just by trying and when you lose weight all of your health problems disappear!#you cant have any mental health problems if you are smart or seem kinda normal or are a woman#i am resisting the urge to. i don't even know. i want to do something angry and destructive but i don't even care#at least now i dont have to drive two hours and pay $160 just to be told that i am too smart to have problems#and actually all of my problems are due to my anxiety and the fact that im female#god i wish that was the case. ill go on t if it makes my problems valid. would you like that?#what do i have to do to convince people i have problems? i will fully physically transition to be taken more seriously#would that help?? would that fucking help???????????????#anyway. i was about to say i wish i wasnt mentally ill. but i dont#being mentally ill is chill. its like a roommate that lives up there and weve lived together awhile so its chill#the only problem are the idiots they pay to deal with mental illness. at this point i dont think they have qualifications#theyre just bringing in men off the street. and theyre the real problem. goodnight folks#dont have the audacity to be mentally ill in this economy. its not worth it
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Here on Tumblr fucking around waiting for the Adderall to hit like
#adhd#actually adhd#god fuck mondays amiright?#not even a real person right now just a bundle of weird vibes and an inbox
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Nothing pisses me off more than when people talk about my friendships with mid-support needs autistics and other people with differently-wired brains as if I am descending to help them because I’ve taken them on as a charity case. That is NOT true. Oh they’re a burden because they’re neurodivergent? WELL GUESS FUCKING WHAT: SO AM I! THE REASON I HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS WITH SO MUCH SHIT WRONG WITH THEM IS BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF SHIT WRONG WITH ME. WE ATTRACT EACH OTHER! WE LIKE EACH OTHER! IT’S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD TO UNDERSTAND!
#How about I just start strangling ableists from now on?#Would THAT convince them I’m actually this person’s real friend?#Literally nothing I say to them is able to get through their dense fucking skulls—#as if it’s sooooo hard for them to believe I actually enjoy their company#Also (halfway unrelated): if I hear “It takes a special person to work with special children” one more time I am going to SCREAM#Tell me I’m calm; tell me I’m patient; tell me I’m creative— do NOT tell me I’m “special” for doing a job I LOVE#Can you imagine telling a quantum physics major “It takes a special person to solve special math problems?”#😂💀 WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I’m gonna start saying that to people from other professions. To see how they like it.#The children are not a burden to me; the children are very enjoyable to be around#and I enjoy troubleshooting what is preventing them from learning and coming up with workarounds for them#I made a glued roll of paper for a kid who constantly peels their skin because I saw them peeling crayons#It works!#I made math problems into a Skibidi Toilet role playing game for another kid who hides under tables when it’s time to work. It works!#You know why I was able to come up with either of these inventions? Huh? You wanna fucking know?#1.) I peel my lips and mouth and palms of my hands and calluses and cuticles and scabs; and#2.) I have awful executive dysfunction and have to do weird stuff to engage myself#People talk to me like I’m one of the “normal” ones; little do they know I’m getting assessed for ADHD and score 142 on the RAADS-R#and I essentially self-destruct when I get mad so I don’t break valuable items or punch through drywall and oak doors#I give myself bruises that swell a half inch high and form hematomas under the skin#I think I’ve permanently weakened the blood vessels and a vein in my right thigh from beating it so much#because it only takes one well-placed blow on my right; but several blows to my left#And I can see the bruise pooling towards my heart along the path of that vein from day to day after the initial beating#and sometimes it just randomly aches when it’s not injured; so I have to shift my weight when the kids sit in my lap wrong#so with that and something else I did to it not super recently that I should have gone to urgent care for… I probably have nerve damage lol#so it’s gross when people say such things about other NDs to me as if I am above them#Just fuck off already
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