#the biggest anxiety for me was Always the vibe of ‘I don’t know if my mutual likes only my art

[adxmanial]

the death of Twitter has brought me peace tbh

[mysterious-moonstruck-musings]

Written in the Stars

Dieter Bravo X OFC ||| Completed Oneshot

Series Summary: Dieter and Natalia receive an unexpected phone call that results in an emotional journey and an expansion of their little family.

Word Count: 16.6K

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health and emotional trauma. Brief mentions of suicide/death, child neglect/mistreatment, and infertility. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. Daddy Dieter comes with his own warnings. This fic is meant to raise foster care and mental health awareness.

✨Note: This can be read as a standalone fic. However, it is an extra for Destiny & Deliverance, which takes a deeper dive into events that are mentioned in the Epilogue.

EXTRAS ||| TEASERS ||| VIBES ||| MAIN MASTERLIST

Chapter Quote: “I’ve always wanted a miniature version of myself.”  

It was 9:37 AM on a Monday morning. I had just sat down in the conference room with some of our foundation's biggest donors to discuss plans for a non-profit community and resource center geared toward providing counseling and mental health treatment for low-income families. My hope was to secure additional funding for the project. I was admittedly nervous because these donations would be the deciding factor on if this pursuit was even possible at the present time. We had just made it past the pleasantries when Dieter stuck his head through the door. He looked around wild-eyed as he took in the room before finally focusing on my surprised face that was staring back at him. He cleared his throat, before pushing the door open further and stepping inside, “Talia, I’m s-sorry to interrupt, but can I borrow you for a minute?”  

I spoke through a tight smile, “Dieter, I’m a little busy right now…”  

He was almost vibrating from anxiety as the look on his face shifted to something resembling…panic, “I know, I’m really sorry…b-but we have a minor emergency that needs attention…like now.”  

My brows furrowed as I took in his expression, “Okaaay…” I replied with confusion etched on my face as I turned toward our guests, “Please excuse us for a minute.” I gave them a nervous smile, moving to follow Dieter out into the hallway. As soon as the conference room door closed behind us, I puffed air out of my cheeks, then asked him what was going on. He rubbed both hands over his face before meeting my eyes. 

“I don’t even know…where to start…with this.” He let out a shaky breath before continuing.  

“Amber, from CDSS (California Department of Social Services), just called. You know Luca…that I mentor in the after-school program?” 

I nodded, completely unsure of where this was going.  

“His mom, she uhhh…” His brows drew down together and his face tightened, like he was fighting back emotion, “Her neighbor found her early this morning…she’s…gone. They need a temporary emergency foster for Luca.” 

I sucked in a stuttered breath. That certainly was not the news I was expecting. I shook my head in shock, “What does that mean? What are you saying?” 

Dieter rubbed at the back of his neck as he looked up at me through his lashes, “I know we never made a decision on potentially becoming foster parents, or even adopting…” 

Realization crossed my face, Dieter wanted us to be the emergency foster, “Dieter…this is a big fucking deal…where are we gonna put a kid? We don’t have any kid…stuff.” 

“I-I know it is…I mean, I’m sure he has his own stuff…” 

My face softened, realizing now that he really wanted this, “Dieter, this isn't a dog. It’s a whole fucking human…and not even a baby. He’s gonna have feelings, emotions, and…trauma. That’s a lot to take on.”  

He sighed, “I-I know…I don’t think there’s anyone more equipped to handle trauma than us though…and I’m the only person he knows. If we don’t take him, he’s gonna go to the foster facility or be placed with a random family. I can’t let that happen...he’ll be terrified.”  

I fisted my fingers through the top of my hair as I stared at him. “It’s temporary?” I asked. Dieter nodded. “Are you gonna be able to handle that? Will you be able to handle giving him up?” 

He nodded again, “As long as I go into it knowing that’s the plan, then yes…I c-can handle it.”  

I wasn’t completely convinced with that answer. This was one of the reasons we hadn’t gone forward with being foster parents. Dieter had been doing so well the last few years, but this was certainly something that could trigger a manic episode for him. He had a hard time with loss, but he did have an equally strong desire to help others in need.    

“And what if they can’t find another place for him to go? What if it’s not temporary?” 

He let out a controlled breath, “Then we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”  

I had to look away from him for a moment, my eyes roamed over the light gray colored walls of the hallway we stood in. Both of our emotions were running high, and I wasn’t really sure how to handle this being dumped on us out of the blue, especially right now.   

I rubbed at the tension forming at the bridge of my nose, “When do they need to know something?” 

Dieter grimaced, “Like, now.” 

“Fuck. Why did this have to happen now…during this meeting…” 

I reached to rub at my shoulder as my chest tightened, my heart now beating double time. I hadn’t had a panic attack in a very long time, but I suddenly felt like I was about to. Dieter immediately noticed and grabbed my hand, cradling it between both of his large ones and brought it to his lips. I could already feel my heart rate slowing at his touch. After all this time, he was still my anchor. 

“I mean, we don’t even have time to discuss it? Think it through?” I asked. 

He stared at me with his large brown eyes as he shook his head, “Unfortunately, no. They have to figure out what to do with him if we can’t take him.”  

I was reluctant as my mind raced through all the possible outcomes of this situation - trying to determine if this was something we could handle if it ended badly. We had been through so much already in our attempts to expand our family, I didn’t know how much more we could take if things took an unexpected turn.  

I had concerns about taking in a child that wasn’t our own. It was the reason we had stalled on starting the adoption process. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to form any type of meaningful bond having not given birth to them myself and I was afraid of being a bad parent because of that. Dieter and I had discussed all of these things, and he knew why I was hesitant. Dr. Rosenberg, our psychiatrist, had assured me that all of these feelings were normal when considering adopting, so that had relieved some of my anxiety. However, I was now worried the same thing would happen if we became foster parents. The fear was amplified knowing that the situation was temporary, making it even harder on us emotionally. I knew I would inevitably put-up walls to protect myself.  

I managed to push my feelings aside and to think of Dieter. I wanted to try for him because I knew that he had bonded with Luca since becoming part of his life. Dieter was right, Luca would be terrified being with strangers and I wasn’t sure I could live with that either. Especially knowing that we could keep it from happening. I had only met Luca briefly, in passing, but I had heard everything about him from Dieter. He sounded like a sweet kid.  

Thinking further, I realized this may only be for a few days. Surely Luca had other family that would be willing to take him in, right? We could handle a few days. However, if it stretched on beyond that, we might have a problem. Dieter interrupted my racing thoughts by placing his hands on my shoulders and dipping his head to meet my gaze, “Tell me what’s going on in that mind of yours.” 

I sighed, and peered up at him through my lashes, “You know what’s going on in my mind…we’ve already talked about it all…and…I worry about you, obviously.”  

He gave me a small smile, “Baby, I promise, I’ll be fine. I know I can do this.” 

My eyes roamed over his face as I read his expression, there was so much conviction behind his words this time that it erased any concerns I had for him. I nodded slowly, “Ok, make the call.” 

His soulful eyes lit up with a wide smile that broke across his face, “Really? You’re sure?”  

I inhaled deeply and nodded, now in shock over what we had just agreed to do. Dieter pulled me in for a tight hug, mumbling into the top of my hair that this was a good thing. When I stepped away, I suddenly remembered that I had a room full of very important people waiting for me.  

I huffed out a breath, “Fuck…what about this meeting?”  

Dieter’s eyes widened, “Umm, well…I think they just needed to know if we could take him right away. Go finish the meeting and we can head over to get him after. How long do you think it’ll be? Like an hour?” 

I nodded, “Yeah, unless they laugh me out of there before that.”  

His brow furrowed before he started rubbing the upper part of my arms, “Hey, relax. You’ve got this. I can come in and charm them if you need me to?” He gave me his goofy lop-sided grin.  

I snorted out a laugh. He always knew the right thing to say to lift my mood.  

“Hopefully, that won’t be necessary, but I’ll keep that in mind if I need reinforcements.”  

Dieter chuckled, leaning down to give me a quick kiss before I turned to go back into the conference room. Everyone immediately snapped to attention as I walked in, a few inquiring if everything was ok. The only response I could muster was, “I hope so,” followed by a nervous laugh. 

It wasn’t my best presentation. I was distracted by all the thoughts swirling in my head, which was making it hard for me to focus. I managed to make it through everything though. Everyone seemed excited about the project and pledged more funding than we were asking for, which was a huge relief. At least that was one less thing I could stop worrying about. After everyone said their goodbyes, they all filed out the door to walk toward the lobby. I followed behind them, until I reached Dieter’s office door to find him looking down at his phone as he paced around the room.  

Once Dieter realized I was standing in the doorway, his head snapped up. He looked at me with wide eyes, “Well?” 

I smiled, “We’re good. More than good actually.” 

He hissed out a low “Yeeesss” as he punched the air with a fisted hand. He moved toward me, grabbing my wrist to pull me towards him for a hug, “I told you it would go ok.”  

When he pulled away, we looked at each other nervously, knowing what our next task was. 

“What’s the plan?” I asked.  

Dieter gave me a tight smile, “Well, we go down to the CDSS offices and pick him up. Amber said he has some clothes with him and not much else. I guess we’ll have some paperwork to fill out when we get there too.”   

I let out a slow breath, “I still can’t believe we’re doing this…” 

He gave me a serious look, “This is a good thing and you’re gonna be great. Stop getting in your head about it. He’s gonna love you. I mean, he likes me for fuck’s sake. You’ll be fine.”  

I snorted, shaking my head at him as I walked next door to my office to grab my things. We left without telling anyone what was going on. It was too much to explain right now. We were silent as Dieter drove to our destination. He held my hand tightly the whole way, knowing that my mind was racing, my thoughts making me more anxious as we got closer.  

At some point in our journey to expand our family, Dieter had become the source of strength in our relationship, and I had become the one who struggled emotionally. I think a lot of it had to do with the hormone injections I had been taking but knowing that didn’t make it any easier. After a year of no success, I couldn’t do it anymore. The disappointment that came with each negative pregnancy test had become overwhelming and was slowly breaking me down. It had really left a scar on my heart. 

Dieter remained positive throughout the entire ordeal and took such good care of me. He was truly supportive, constantly checking in with me and making me talk through my emotions. We knew this was a possibility before choosing this path and worked to prepare ourselves for it, but that didn’t make it any less disappointing when things didn’t go how we had hoped. The residuals from that experience still hung over us when it came to the topic of expanding our family. I had a nagging fear that things were never going to go our way and I was having a hard time overcoming it. Even now, my brain was making a list of every possible negative outcome and how that could affect us individually and as a couple.  Deep down I knew that wasn’t the way to go into this, but I couldn’t help it.  

Before I knew it, we were pulling into the CDSS parking lot. I was in a daze as I exited the vehicle, quickly moving to Dieter’s side and lacing our fingers back together. When we entered the building, Dieter asked for Amber, then we were led to the room where she was sitting with Luca. She saw us approaching through the glass windows and came out into the hallway to meet us.  

She gave us a sad smile as she greeted us. Dieter wasted no time getting to business. “How’s he doing?” he asked.  

Amber sighed, “It’s hard to tell. I’m not sure if he fully understands what’s going on. He’s sad, but calm. He perked up some when I told him you were coming to pick him up. He had been asking for Dieter since he got here. That’s why I thought to call you guys first.”  

Dieter turned to look at the small boy who had a vacant look in his eyes and a frown on his lips. “Can I go to him?” he asked. 

Dieter’s gaze shifted to Amber, his eyes now pleading. She nodded, stepping aside so he could enter the room. Dieter inhaled deeply, squeezing my hand a little tighter before releasing it. I watched as he approached, kneeling down to Luca’s level as he talked to him in hushed tones. I could see Luca’s bottom lip trembling and his dark eyes rounding before he leaned in and buried his face into Dieter’s shoulder. Dieter rubbed at the back of the boy’s shaggy dark brown locks, hugging him tightly. I couldn’t see Dieter’s face, but I could tell by the tense set of his shoulders that he was fighting back his own emotions.  

Seeing Luca now took me back to the family photos littered throughout our home in Sonoma. He reminded me so much of a younger version of Dieter that it was almost scary. It also tugged at my heartstrings in a way that I didn’t expect. They had more in common than just looks, both having lost their mothers at a very young age. I didn’t know the details yet, but I assumed Luca experienced it in a traumatic way based on Dieter’s reaction. Seeing Dieter with the boy and how they interacted also had me feeling some kind of way. It was clear Luca trusted him and felt comfortable in his presence. It was enough to stifle the negative thoughts that had plagued my mind during the drive over.  

“Did Dieter tell you what happened?” Amber asked.  

I shook my head, still watching through the glass as I answered, “No, we didn’t get into the details. I was doing good just to wrap my head around this even happening.”  

She nodded, “I can understand that. I know it came out of nowhere.” She sighed before continuing, “The neighbor found her this morning. It’s looking like an intentional overdose. She had been like that for a couple days…at least. She did it with Luca there.” 

My head turned, shocked eyes finally meeting Amber’s. “He was with her like that for days?” 

She nodded, “As far as we know. He won’t really talk to us, so it’s a lot of speculation at this point.”  

I felt sick. It was worse than I thought. I couldn’t imagine what the kid was feeling, and I didn’t even know where to start in dealing with it, but Dieter did. He had been in a similar situation once. I felt a streak of panic go through me, worried that this would bring up emotions for Dieter that he might have a hard time with. I had to remind myself that he had successfully processed through that trauma and would hopefully be able to use it in a positive way now.  

Amber continued, “Based on the environment, I would say it wasn’t a good situation for the kid. The place was a mess, there was no food in the house, and he didn’t have a lot of belongings. It’s sad all around.” 

I had to find something to focus on before I got emotional, “He didn’t have a lot of belongings? What does he have?” 

Amber shrugged, “Not a whole lot. Some ill-fitting clothes, that’s about it. Oh, and a stuffed raccoon. He said “Mr. Dieter” got it for him at the zoo and wanted to bring it…but nothing else.”  

My eyes began to sting. Something about that bit of information nearly knocked me over the edge. I sucked in a sharp breath, needing to change the subject. “Do you know of any family yet?” I asked. 

She shook her head, “No, nothing yet. It doesn’t look like she kept in touch with anyone, so it’s gonna take some work to figure it out. We’ll look into the dad’s side as well, obviously…it doesn’t look like she was in touch with any of them either.  

I felt my stomach flutter at the idea that there appeared to be no one to take him. Was that some spark of hope? I didn’t want to get ahead of myself, but I did have a small urge to give this kid a better life.  

Amber drew me from my thoughts, “So, we’re gonna have you guys take him on as a non-relative extended family foster. You have an established relationship with him that can be proven, and it’s documented, so I don’t think it will be an issue. I can prove it’s the best plan of action for him currently while we go through our processes.  

I nodded, agreeing that it seemed like the way to go. She left me to go gather the paperwork for us to fill out. I turned back to the window, now watching Dieter and Luca talking quietly to each other. Luca was hugging his stuffed raccoon as Dieter brushed the boy's wavy hair out of his dark eyes. Luca had a small smile on his face from whatever Dieter had said to him. The moment seemed so private. I almost felt like I was intruding.  

After a few minutes, Dieter’s head turned, his eyes searching for me. When our gazes met, he motioned for me to join them. I was hesitant, not wanting to spoil their moment. I was also unsure of how to act toward this kid. I didn’t know him like Dieter did, and honestly, I felt like an outsider in this situation. I needed to suck it up, there was no avoiding it.  

I took a calming breath before entering the room, moving to sit next to Dieter. Dieter put his arm around my waist, pulling me into his side, “Luca, do you remember meeting Talia? She’s my wife…the one that keeps me in line.”  

Luca let out a quiet laugh, smiling at me as he nodded. “I remember,” he finally said.   

Dieter glanced over at me, “Luca and I were just talking about getting some lunch.” 

A sad smile formed on my lips, there was no telling when the last time was that this kid had a decent meal. “Yeah, we can do that. Luca, is there anywhere you like to eat? We can go wherever you want.” 

Luca shrugged, “I’m not really sure.” 

It hit me then, this kid probably hadn’t eaten out a lot. I felt like an idiot for asking.  

It was Dieter who spoke next, “How about McDonalds? You liked it that one time we went, right?” 

The boy's chocolate eyes lit up, much like Dieter’s often did when he was excited about something. Luca nodded enthusiastically at the suggestion.  

Amber entered the room with a file full of paperwork. I got to work on it while Dieter kept Luca distracted. There was so much information to fill out and releases to sign for background checks and home visits. It was a little overwhelming. Dieter could sense how I was feeling and made the effort to help calm me. As soon as I felt his hand resting on the small of my back, moving in small circles, I was able to relax and focus. He always knew what I needed and when.  

We were at CDSS for at least two hours, if not longer. I felt absolutely exhausted by the time we left, and I’m pretty sure Dieter and Luca were too. I was on information overload and starting to stress about everything that needed to be done. I was already making a mental list about things Luca would need for school and everyday use. I had never shopped for a boy his age, so it was putting me in a bit of a tizzy.  

As soon as we were in the car, Dieter reached for my hand, “Baby, relax. Everything on that running list in your head doesn’t have to be done today…and I can help you with some of it you know.”  

My lips tugged upward. He knew me too well. “I know…but you know I can’t help myself.”  

As Dieter drove toward the fast food restaurant, I noticed his eyes flicking to the rear view mirror every so often, I assumed to keep an eye on Luca. I too turned to glance back at the boy a few times. Every time I did so, he was staring out the window with his chin propped on his hand. He didn’t look particularly distressed or upset. I wasn’t sure if he had fully grasped what was happening yet. He seemed way too at ease, or maybe that was just because he was with Dieter?    

Once we got into the drive-thru line, Dieter turned to ask Luca what he wanted. He shrugged as his eyebrows rose and disappeared behind his shaggy hair.  

Dieter glanced at me with an arched eyebrow and pursed lips. My brows furrowed. I could already tell this was going to take some adjustments.  

“Chicken nuggets or a burger?” Dieter finally asked.  

“Nuggets.” Luca replied.  

“Chocolate or Vanilla shake?” Dieter followed up.  

“What’s better?” Luca asked.  

“Chocolate…Duh.” Dieter replied. 

Luca giggled, “Chocolate then.”  

I felt like they had had many conversations like this. I loved that Dieter knew how to communicate with Luca in a way that got answers and didn’t cause frustration. I had a feeling a lot of adults probably couldn’t handle that. Here I was taking mental notes for future reference.  

When we got to the drive-thru window, the worker immediately recognized Dieter. It caused a bit of a ruckus as several other workers came over and asked to take a selfie with him. Luca seemed completely unfazed by it. I wondered if this had happened often while he was out doing things with Dieter.  

Once we finally got our food and were on our way home, I looked over at Dieter, “I assume you haven’t told Elaine or Will yet?” 

He sucked air through his teeth, “Nope.”  

“Do you think paparazzi will be an issue?” 

Dieter shrugged, “I dunno. I think when kids are around, they tend to back off some. I hope anyway...”  

I took a deep breath and dropped my head backward onto the seat. I had a feeling this was going to be more complicated in ways that we couldn’t even fathom yet.  

After we got home, we all sat down at the dining room table and ate our incredibly unhealthy meal. Luca seemed in good spirits, but he mostly sat in silence as he took in his surroundings and devoured his food. He would still smile when Dieter said something funny to him and responded to questions, but that was about it. Afterward, Dieter got Luca’s two small bags out of the car, then we showed him to his room and adjoining bathroom. He seemed in awe over the fact that he would have his own bathroom and a TV in the bedroom. It made me sad that something so common and seemingly not that big of a deal to us, was for him.  

While Dieter worked to get Luca settled in, I raided our toiletry stash to get everything he might need for the time being. I felt so unprepared for this situation, and I hated that feeling. I needed to get everything sorted out as soon as possible or I wasn’t going to be able to relax over it.  

When I returned to Luca’s room, Dieter was getting him tucked into bed because he said he was sleepy and wanted to take a nap. I watched as Dieter showed him how to work the TV and asked what kind of shows he liked to watch. Luca shrugged, commenting that he didn’t have many channels, so he didn’t watch much TV. It was just another reminder of the less than ideal situation he had been in.  

I left them alone after that, allowing Luca time to decompress and fall asleep. To help settle my mind, I took a seat on a stool at the kitchen island and started making lists. Lists of things we needed to do, essentials that Luca would need, school supplies, it almost seemed never ending. In the middle of all that I was googling things because I didn’t know anything about what a boy his age would like. I was also creating carts and adding items for delivery. It was overwhelming to see it all in writing, but it did make me feel better.  

About a half hour later, I could hear Dieter on a call in the living room. It sounded like he was talking to Elaine, his publicist, and Will, his manager - filling them in on the events of the day. After he ended the call, he appeared behind me in the kitchen, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his chin on my shoulder.  

“Will is gonna clear my schedule for the next couple of weeks so I can be around for Luca.” he said into the side of my neck.  

“He may not be here that long,” I reminded him.  

He shrugged, “Then you’ll just have to put up with me being around.” 

I chuckled, “Yes, because that’s just so terrible.” I said sarcastically.  

Dieter reached to grab the notepad sitting on the counter in front of me, looking it over before dropping it back in its place.  

“You don’t have to do all of this today, ya know. Let me help you.”  

I sighed, “Oh, don’t worry. You will be. He’s probably gonna need some more clothes…that might have to be your area. I’ve already got some carts going online for the rest of it.” 

Dieter moved to my side so he could look at me directly, one arm still around my back, “Hey, you’re doing great. The kid likes you, so you can relax.” 

I gave him a weak smile, “How do you know?” 

Dieter smirked, “He said you’re nice…and have pretty hair.”  

I snorted, “He didn’t say that.”  

Dieter nodded, “I swear he did…” He was quiet for a beat, his eyes roaming my face. “How are you feeling about things?” 

I inhaled deeply and held it for a moment, “I don’t know…definitely overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done.” 

His eyes narrowed, “You know that’s not what I’m asking.” 

He’s too damn intuitive, I was totally avoiding the real conversation. “I’m not sure, honestly.” 

“Baby, you need to be open with me. I know what you’re doing…don’t shut yourself off.” 

I puffed air out of my cheeks, “Ok, fine… I feel a little disconnected from it…like an outsider. It’s awkward because you already have a bond with him and I’m not really sure how to be part of that. I know he isn’t as comfortable around me either. I can sense it.�� 

Dieter pulled me into a hug, “He’s a shy kid on the best day. After you spend a little time with him, he’ll open up. You’ve gotta open up some too though.” 

I nodded. I knew it was true, but also knowing that this was meant to be temporary was making it hard for me to do that. After seeing Luca and what his life must have been like made me realize I could actually get attached to this kid. Even though I had been worried about being able to bond with a child that wasn’t my own, I could feel my maternal instincts kicking in.  

Luca slept most of the day, which left us wondering what exactly he had been through that left him so tired. Dieter and I were in the midst of cooking dinner, trying to decide if we should wake him when he came shuffling down the hallway.  

“Hey hombrecito (little man), you ready to eat some dinner?” Dieter asked. 

Luca nodded as he rubbed at his eyes.  

“Let’s go wash up while Talia gets everything ready, ok?” 

Dieter put his hand on Luca’s shoulder and led him toward the bathroom to wash his hands. By the time they got back dinner was ready. Dieter helped Luca make a small plate while he made his own. Then we all sat down to eat. I noticed Luca didn’t get much food and finished eating quickly.  

“Luca, do you want any more? You didn’t eat much,” I said.  

He looked at me with wide eyes, “Is that allowed?”  

I could feel my heart shattering in my chest as Dieter and I shared a knowing look. It took everything in me to keep the tears at bay as I turned my attention back to the boy.  

“It’s absolutely allowed. You can have as much as you want.”  

His chocolate eyes lit up before murmuring out a quiet “thank you” as he stood from his seat to go refill his plate. Dieter reached over and gave my hand a squeeze before turning his attention to Luca, realizing the boy was too short to reach everything. He moved to help him. I took a moment to take a few deep breaths to calm myself. I could already tell this whole experience was going to have a huge impact on me, emotionally.     

After dinner, we took the time to show Luca around the rest of the house and officially introduce him to Moony, our kangaroo eared dog, and our four foster pups. Dieter had recently converted one of the spare rooms downstairs into a “dog room” for the pups to hang out in while we were out of the house. It was the most ostentatious dog space I had ever seen. He had gone so far as to install a TV (on their level) and get a Dog TV subscription for them. They each had their own little dog houses and beds. He had even found a place to buy dog furniture. He finished it all off with wireless cameras that allowed him to talk to the dogs when he wasn’t in the room. It was beyond extra, but typical Dieter.  

Luca was in awe of the space and thought the mini dog couches were the funniest thing. He and Dieter went to sit on the floor in the middle of the room to get acquainted with everyone. The foster dogs were just happy to see people. Moony held back, slinking around the room sniffing in Luca’s direction. He was more cautious of the new person in his house, but he eventually approached the boy for pets. Within minutes, he was in Luca’s lap being cuddled, both of them smiling as they nuzzled against each other. I could already tell they were going to be fast friends.  

In the days that followed, Luca continued to remain quiet and reserved. However, I could tell he was beginning to relax as he got used to his surroundings and new routine. He was at his happiest when spending time with Dieter. Dieter had been spending all of his free time with the boy - painting, playing video games, playing with Moony. Anything he could think of doing that might distract Luca from the reality of his situation. I could often hear them laughing amongst themselves. It warmed my heart to see Dieter take on this new role and how he thrived in it.  

Dieter was so good with Luca, and I knew a lot of it had to do with their commonalities. Dieter had lost his mother under equally devastating circumstances, which helped him relate to Luca in a way that I would never be able to. It further solidified the bond they had already built before this life changing incident happened to Luca. It did make me worry about how things would go if Luca was unable to stay with us. I worried if Dieter could handle it.  

The conditions left me torn in how I wanted to handle things as well. I was still feeling like an outsider in this situation and unsure of how to navigate the changing dynamics in our household. I wanted to engage and be part of the bond they were building, but I also didn’t want to get too close in the event the situation was indeed temporary, as we were told it would be. I knew I would need to be strong for Dieter if Luca wasn’t able to stay with us. He said he could handle it but seeing them together didn’t give me a lot of confidence in his belief.  

As we got into the second week of having Luca with us, I noticed he seemed to be getting more curious about me. During the first instance, we were all sitting around the living room watching TV as I folded laundry. Luca was on the floor, playing with Moony. Once Moony ran out of energy and laid down for a nap, I realized Luca was watching me fold. After several minutes, he came closer, sitting in front of me.  

“Can I help?” he asked timidly.  

I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face. He was too adorable. I glanced toward Dieter, who was watching us with a smirk on his face.  

“Better watch it hombrecito (little man), she’s super picky about the folding.”  

Luca’s eyes widened, like he couldn’t believe Dieter said such a thing.  

I snorted, “Just because I don’t wad them up and stuff them in a random drawer doesn’t mean I’m picky.” I gave Luca a conspiratorial look, “He’s just messy. Don’t listen to him.”  

Luca laughed, “Yeah, he kinda is.”  

Dieter scoffed dramatically and I cackled. Luca’s comment had taken me off guard.  

“I see how it is, you two are ganging up on me now. I don’t like this,” Dieter said. 

Luca and I laughed, eventually settling down as I continued folding. Luca watched me fold a couple more items, then reached into the basket to grab a piece of clothing and got to work. He held it up to ask me if it was correct. He had folded it perfectly on the first try. Dieter and I both praised him, noting that he already folds better than Dieter, which led to more giggles from the boy as he worked on the next item. We worked in silence after that, listening to whatever TV show Dieter was watching. I noticed Dieter wasn’t paying much attention to the show though. Instead, he was watching Luca and I with a small smile on his lips. Once all of the laundry was folded, Luca offered to put his own clothes away himself. When he returned, he looked smug, seemingly proud of himself as he sat down next to Dieter on the couch. Dieter pulled the boy into his side and mussed his hair, thanking him for helping me.  

In the days that followed, Luca began checking in with me to see if he could help with anything. I started giving him small tasks like sweeping, vacuuming, helping carry the dishes to the kitchen, or pulling ingredients for meals. It was his way of trying to connect with me, and I accepted it. 

Toward the end of the second week, Dieter and I were lying in bed, barely awake after having spent the day clothes shopping with Luca. We were both absolutely spent from trying to get things sorted for Luca and caring for him throughout the week on top of dealing with home checks, interviews with CDSS, and getting our background checks completed. We had been so engrossed with taking care of the boy that we really hadn’t made any time for each other. Our only time together was at night, but we had been so tired since Luca came into our care that we hadn’t even taken advantage of it. On this night, we managed to get in some cuddle time before either of us fell asleep. After crawling into bed behind me and pulling me flush against his body, Dieter took the opportunity to check in with me to see how I was feeling about things.  

“It seems like Luca is warming up to you a bit…” 

I smiled, “Yeah, I think so too. His personality is starting to shine through a little more. I can tell he’s been spending too much time with you.”  

Dieter chuckled, “I’ve always wanted a miniature version of myself.”  

I snorted and nudged my shoulder backward against his, “You’re so ridiculous.”   

He laughed, but then it trailed off into a moment of silence before he spoke again. 

“Serious question…how are you feeling about things now? Better I hope?”  

I sighed. I was still holding back some, and I knew it. “I’m still a little apprehensive about things. I’m trying not to get attached to this kid. This was never meant to be permanent, remember?”  

Dieter went quiet for a beat, “That may be true, but that doesn’t mean we can’t care for him like he’s ours…show him what a healthy family dynamic is like. He’s never had that, and I know there’s a possibility that he may never get it again if he leaves us. I want him to have at least one positive experience to look back on, even if it does turn out to be a short one.” 

Dieter always had an interesting take on things like this. I knew it was rooted in his childhood experiences and everything he had gone through. I hadn’t thought about it like that and couldn’t disagree, “I hadn’t considered that view on things.” I finally admitted to him.  

I turned to face him, “You have such a good heart. I can’t disagree with that assessment and…I’ll try to do better by him.”  

Dieter leaned down and gently kissed me on the lips, before pulling back. “You have a good heart too, you just have to learn to open it up a little more.” 

I chuckled, “Yeah, I guess so.”  

His hand gently brushed my hair back, “Maybe you two should go do something fun on your own. I know he’s been wanting to go to the Aquarium.” 

My eyes widened, “Dieter, I dunno about that. It helps to have you as a buffer.”  

He snickered, “You’ll be fine. The kid likes you and I’m certain you won’t be able to get him to shut up if he’s looking at animals. He gets so excited; he can’t help but to ask a million questions. You should take him on Saturday. I’ve got some work stuff I need to take care of.” 

My brows furrowed, “Work stuff? What work stuff?”  

He was fighting a smile now, “I have some scripts I need to look over.” 

I pursed my lips, “For some reason, I don’t believe you.”  

He smiled against my lips, kissing me between words, “It’s late. Time for bed bella durmiente (sleeping beauty).”  

I scoffed as he snuggled in next to me, “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Change the subject. I’m on to you.”  

He laughed against my shoulder, “I’d like you to be, but I’m too fucking tired to be able to do anything about it.”  

I snorted, “Again, you’re ridiculous. Good night.”  

After giving him a quick kiss on the forehead, we wrapped up in each other and fell asleep quickly. 

That Saturday, I took Luca to the Aquarium as Dieter suggested. There was a comfortable silence between us during the ride there, however his bright-eyed look told me he was excited. It didn’t take long once we were inside for him to start peppering me with questions as Dieter said he would. He was an inquisitive little thing that had a serious thirst for knowledge. He was enthusiastic but also very well behaved. He seemed mature for his age when compared to the other kids running amok around the facility. Realizing that made me appreciate him a little more.  

Luca took the time to sit and observe the animals, studying each of them carefully. Whereas, most of the other kids gave them a quick glance, then were ready to move on to the next thing. Something about his curiosity made my heart flutter. Was it pride? I realized it was something that he and I had in common. I made a mental note of that for future reference.  

It seemed like hardly any time had passed as we slowly moved between exhibits, chatting about the animals. As the morning went on, I could tell he was getting more comfortable with me. He had started to gently tug on my hand to get my attention or loop his arm around mine and lean into my side as he pointed things out.  

By the time we reached the halfway point where the little cafe was, it was well past lunch time. Luca reluctantly agreed to take a break so we could grab a bite to eat. As we waited in line, I asked him what he wanted. He gave me that same wide-eyed stare he gave Dieter at McDonalds the first day. I gave him a few options off the menu as I had watched Dieter do. We finally narrowed it down to loaded nachos and a chocolate chip cookie.  

Luca got quiet after we were seated to eat. He didn’t seem to have a problem with companionable silence. He was a lot like Dieter and me in that way. It never failed to astonish me how well this kid fit into our lives. It was like the ‘powers that be’ had taken a piece from each of us to make him and put him in our path. Luca drew me out of my thoughts with a question that stunned me.  

“Are you and Mr. Dieter gonna be my new parents?” he asked with a hopeful look in his eyes. 

I nearly choked on the chip I had just stuck in my mouth. I wasn’t expecting this type of conversation today. I took a quick drink of my soda, “Did Dieter tell you that?” 

He shook his head, “No. I didn’t ask him because Mr. Dieter says you’re the boss.” 

I chuckled, “Well, at least he knows his place.” I took a deep breath, my brows furrowing as I thought through a response.  

“Is that something you would want to happen? For us to be your parents.”  

He nodded enthusiastically as he chomped down on a nacho.  

I gave him a sad smile, “You understand what that would mean right? That you would stay with us, forever.” 

He nodded again, “I like staying with you. You’re nice to me.”  

Of all the reasons he could have given, it was because we’re nice to him. My heart was breaking as I considered what those words meant. Was his mother not nice to him? I knew they were low income and struggled with basic needs, but this added a whole other layer to things.  

I could feel the tears beginning to pool in my eyes and I had to work to fight them back.  

I gave him another sad smile, “The decision isn’t up to us, bud…but I promise you…if it’s an option, we’ll do everything in our power to make it happen. If that’s what you truly want.”  

He was smiling now, “It is. I would like that.” 

My heart was about to beat out of my chest. I couldn't believe he had just asked me that. He obviously felt comfortable enough around me now to bring it up, which made me feel a whole other set of emotions. I was drawn from my thoughts by my buzzing phone in my pocket. It was from Dieter. 

Dieter: Hey! How’s it going? 

I smiled to myself. It was sweet that he was checking in. I glanced up at Luca who was leaning back in his seat, with his hand on his belly like he had eaten too much.  

“Dieter’s asking how it’s going. You wanna send him a picture?” 

Luca smiled and nodded before standing to walk over next to my seat. He leaned in against me and gave a toothy smile while I snapped a selfie of us. I showed him the picture and he gave a nod of approval as he moved back to his seat. With a smile, I sent it to Dieter. He started typing a response immediately. 

Dieter: Wow. Looks like some progress. You guys having fun?  

Me: Yeah, we are. Just finishing up with a late lunch. You were right, he has a lot of questions. 

Dieter: LOL! I’ll see you guys in a few hours then. I expect you still have a while. Let me know when you're heading this way and I’ll get dinner started. - te amo (love you) 

Me: Sounds like a plan. - te amo 

Luca and I went back to viewing the exhibits after that. He seemed to have a little more pep in his step during the second half of the day and he was still just as inquisitive about everything. After another hour and a half, we finally made it to the gift shop.  

“Go find yourself something to take home,” I said to him. His eyes widened at my words. He seemed very unsure of himself.  

“Like what?” he finally asked.  

“Whatever you wanna get.” He pursed his lips, still seeming unsure. “A toy maybe? I’m not sure what you like. You’re allowed to wander around and look if you want.”   

He shuffled down the nearest aisle, slowly scanning the shelves. He eventually ended up standing in front of a wall of books and began thumbing through them. He finally settled on an age-appropriate book on prehistoric fish. I probably shouldn’t have been surprised that he chose a book, but I was. He walked over and shyly handed it to me.  

“Is this one, ok?” he asked quietly. 

I gave him a bright smile and nodded, “Of course! Do you like to read?”  

He shrugged, “I’m not that good yet, but I like books.” 

I ruffled his hair, “Don’t worry, we’ll have you reading everything in no time. Dieter and I love to read too.” 

He gave me a toothy grin as I leaned down to whisper to him conspiratorially, “Ya know, I don’t count books as a strike against your purchase limit. Go grab you something else.” 

His eyes widened, like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing before he scurried off to find another item. I followed behind him, watching as he continued to take everything in and narrow down his choice. He finally settled on a stuffed otter. We had spent a lot of time watching them in their enclosure, so I wasn’t shocked. They seemed to be one of his favorites. We checked out after that, then made our way to the car.  

As I was sitting in traffic, I could see Luca in my rear view mirror, completely engrossed in his book with his otter hugged under one arm. His chubby little fingers were rubbing at its soft fuzzy fabric in between turning pages. Something about it was absolutely tugging at my heart. I wondered if he even had any books of his own before, or if perhaps he just borrowed them from school.  

“Luca, have you ever been to a bookstore?” I asked suddenly.  

His rounded chocolate eyes met mine in the mirror. His brows furrowed slightly, seeming confused by my question for a moment before answering, “No ma’am. I haven't.”  

A smile tugged at my lips, “Would you like to?”  

He nodded, fighting a smile, “That would be fun.”  

Minutes later, I turned into the local Barnes and Noble parking lot. I was suddenly feeling giddy to share this experience with him because I knew this would be a hobby we could bond over.  

When we entered the store, I grabbed a handheld basket. He gave me a questioning look, “Let’s fill this basket up, kid.”  

He snorted, following closely behind me until I found the correct aisle for him to browse. He seemed to have a thing about dinosaurs, gravitating toward those books first. After flipping through a couple, he eyed me cautiously as he slid one into the basket I was holding. I quirked an eyebrow at the one still in his hand, “You want that one too?”  

He chewed on his lip for a moment before slowly sliding that one into the basket. He looked like he was waiting for me to change my mind. Instead, I gave him a warm smile and encouraged him to keep looking. As we moved down the aisle, I pointed out some of my favorites like Narnia, Goosebumps, and Percy Jackson. He seemed a little intimidated by the chapter books at first, but after I promised that Dieter and I would read those with him it seemed to change his view on it a little and he happily added those to the basket as well. Luca and I got lost in the books together. Not realizing how much time had passed until I got another text from Dieter. 

Dieter: You two doing ok? Figured you’d be on your way back by now.  

Me: Yes! Sorry. We stopped off at the bookstore. About to check out.  

Dieter: K. I’ll get dinner started. See you soon. 😘 (kiss emoji)  

I sighed, “Looks like we’re being summoned for dinner. I think this is probably a good start. You ready to head home?”  

Luca gave me a wide smile and nodded. We made our way to the checkout counter, where I pointed out the bookmarks and told him to grab a couple for his chapter books. He quickly settled on two 3D hologram bookmarks, one with raccoons and the other with a shark. He slid them onto the counter as the cashier began to ring up our purchases. He stood beside me quietly, looking at all the little trinkets and magazines lining the bottom of the counter.  

I gave him a quick smile before glancing up at the cashier, who was watching us intently with a smile on her face.  

“Your son is sweet. He seems to really love books.”’ 

I shook my head slightly, unsure of how to respond to her comment, but also feeling a little choked up at the thought. My eyes darted to Luca who didn’t seem to have noticed the comment. I settled for a smile and nod, “Yeah, he really does.”  

We left the bookstore with several bags full. Both of us were laughing at the ridiculousness of it as we loaded them into the car. He was giggling as he got settled into his seat. It was the same giggle I often heard when he and Dieter were spending time together. It caused a bloom of feelings that I couldn’t describe. Feelings that made me warm and happy. Feelings that I didn’t want to let go.  

A short time later, we pulled into the garage. Luca helped me unload our spoils from the day and lug them into the house. Dieter was standing in front of the stove with a confused look on his face as he watched us carry the bags toward Luca’s room.  

When I returned to the kitchen, he switched off the stove eye and turned to me, “Sooo, what was all that?” 

I smiled, “Books. I need you to go buy a bookshelf for Luca tomorrow. Preferably a full sized one.”  

He chuckled, sliding his hands onto my hips as he leaned in to give me a quick kiss on the mouth, “Thank you for today. Thank you for trying. I know this isn’t easy on you.”  

I smiled against his lips, “Strangely enough, it’s not as hard as I thought it would be. Thank you for pushing me.” 

Luca came wandering into the kitchen, swinging his arms dramatically as he walked. He stopped in front of us, peering up at me with a shy smile, “Mrs. Talia, will you read with me after dinner?”  

I could feel Dieter smiling against my cheek as I turned to look at the boy, “Of course! We both will. How about you and Dieter go pick out a book while I finish up with dinner?”  

Luca smiled brightly, grabbing Dieter’s hand and tugging on it, “You heard her. Let’s go!” 

Dieter snorted, giving me one last quick kiss on the cheek before Luca pulled him down the hallway. I smiled to myself, suddenly feeling overly emotional. A few tears slipped out as I turned my back toward the direction they had gone. Things were going to be different after today. I knew that. I could already feel it. I didn’t want to give this kid up. I wanted him to be ours. Dieter hadn’t explicitly said that, but I could tell he felt the same way. If they did find family to take him in, letting him go was going to be hard on the both of us. I had been worried about Dieter being able to handle it, but now I questioned if I could.  

The following Monday, Luca was set to return to school. He seemed totally fine with it, but I was a bundle of nerves. I was worried it would be too much for him, too soon, even though he had been handling things without issue. When the alarm went off, Dieter moved to get out of bed, but I stopped him.  

“You sleep in, I’ll take him. I have a million questions about his paperwork. It’ll be easier if I handle it.”  

Dieter snuggled into my side, burying his face in my neck, “You sure? I can still go with you.”  

I turned to face him, scratching at his graying stubble and nuzzling against his nose, “It’s fine, you were up late with your scripts. Get some sleep. I’ll be back shortly.”  

I leaned in to give him a quick kiss, but he deepened it as his hand gripped my hip and pulled me tightly against the hardness in his boxer briefs.  

I smiled against his lips, “Mmmm, hold that thought until I get back.”  

He whined, giving me one last peck before pulling away, “Ok, fine. Hurry back to me, mi amor (my love).”  

His fingers trailed after me as I rolled out of bed, he had his infamous sad puppy look on his face before he buried himself under the blanket to fall back to sleep. I threw on my robe and wandered down the hallway to make sure Luca was awake. The sound of the shower coming from his bathroom told me he was. I headed back to the master suite to make myself presentable while Dieter snored away under his pile of blankets and pillows. Just as I opened the bedroom door to head toward the kitchen to make breakfast, Moony came bursting in. I had to move quickly to grab him before he jumped on the bed and woke Dieter. After shooing him into the hallway, I followed, closing the door behind me. Moony quickly disappeared into Luca’s room, leaving me in peace to make a quick breakfast.  

I was plating our scrambled egg and cheese sandwiches when Luca came skipping into the kitchen with Moony on his heels. He seemed excited to be going back to school, which surprised me. He was eager and ate quickly, occasionally sneaking small pieces of egg to Moony under the table. A habit he had obviously picked up from Dieter.  

Minutes later, we gathered our things, put Moony downstairs in the dog room with the rest of the crew, and headed toward the school. I didn’t really have questions about his paperwork. I might have over dramatized that some. I did, however, want to get as much information as I could about Luca. I knew I would have a ton of questions if given the chance to talk to someone.  

Luckily, Luca’s teacher, Miss Katie, was in the front office waiting for us to arrive. After introducing herself, she sent Luca ahead to class so we could chat.  

She gave me a warm smile as we watched Luca walk down the hallway toward his room, “I was delighted to hear that you and Dieter would be taking Luca in. He’s improved so much since he started spending time with Dieter in the mentoring program. I’m sure he’ll continue to do so now.”   

I shrugged, “Yeah, well, it may not be permanent. We’re still waiting to hear back about other family members.”  

She nodded solemnly, “I didn’t get the impression he had a lot of family.”  

My lips set into a tight line, “Can I ask you about his home life? I don’t know much about it.” 

She pursed her lips, “I mean, you’re his legal guardian now. So, I don’t see why not.”  

She paused briefly and sighed, “I don’t know much, but I don’t think it was good. They were low income…most weekends I sent food home with him to make sure he was covered. I’ve taken him to get a haircut a few times too. He often wore the same clothes several days in a row and came in dirty.”  

Her brows furrowed as she met my gaze, “It just seemed like his mom wasn’t very engaged with him. I always had a hard time getting her to respond, turn in paperwork, or come to meetings. When she did, she seemed distracted and honestly, sort of out of it. She would often leave him at school late. I’m not sure if it was because of work like she said or if she just forgot to get him. From what I’ve heard, she sort of went off the deep end after her husband died in that car accident. I don’t think she was very…present in his life if I’m being honest.” 

Hearing this made my heart ache. How had he turned out to be such a good kid through all that?  

Miss Katie was smiling now, “But like I said, the mentoring program did wonders for him. He really began to come out of his shell after starting that. I know Dieter spent extra time with him…to help with homework. I obviously couldn’t share any details with Dieter at the time, but based on his line of questioning, I think he knew Luca didn’t have a good home life. He always wanted to help with him any way he could.”   

I had to fight back tears. Dieter had been there for this kid more than I had realized. I should have been more involved early on, but it was his thing. I didn’t want to overstep. I never would have guessed this would be the result.  

“Well, while Luca is with us, we’ll definitely be involved with his academics. He’s a smart kid and has a serious thirst for knowledge. It’ll be a top priority. I also just wanna make sure he’s ok. He seems to be handling things too well. I’m not sure if he fully understands what’s happened.”  

She sucked in a deep breath, seeming to think through her response. “At his age, it’s hard to say. I think he probably has an understanding of what death is. What they usually don’t understand is the finality of it…that it’s forever…but, with his father having passed, he may understand it better than most kids his age.”  

I chewed on my lower lip and nodded in understanding, “Is it normal that he seems unbothered by it though? He hasn’t even really mentioned his mother at all…directly anyway.” 

She shrugged, “I’m not sure. Maybe he didn’t really have a strong bond with her. If that’s the case, then maybe not. You never know how trauma will affect a child. Has he seen a therapist or anything like that yet?”  

I shook my head, “Not yet. I’ve been in contact with someone we work closely with. She suggested we give him a little time to adjust before bringing him in…make sure he’s comfortable and feeling safe so that he’s more likely to trust the process and open up.”  

She gave me a warm smile, “Well, he couldn’t have been put with anyone better to help him through it. You guys are doing amazing work. I’m legitimately happy for him…and honestly, I hope he gets to stay with you.” 

I cleared my throat, fighting the tears that were threatening to fill my eyes, “Yeah, me too.” I huffed out a laugh, “Well, I’ll let you get back to work. Thank you for chatting with me.” I paused, digging in my bag, “I almost forgot, here’s his updated paperwork. Please call me if he needs anything…or if you do.”  

We said our goodbyes after that. As I got back into the car to head home, I couldn’t help wondering about Luca’s relationship with his mother. It made me sad for him, that he didn’t seem to have had a nurturing figure in his life. More than ever, I wanted to give that to him. I wanted him to have a normal, happy, and loving family. It wasn’t up to me though. I was powerless to make it happen. I had to rely on others to make the choice and I hated it.  

By the time I pulled into the garage, I was feeling needy. I needed to be loved and comforted by my husband. I wanted to feel connected to him. He was the only one that could settle the storm brewing in my thoughts. All of the ‘what ifs’ and possible outcomes were weighing heavily on my heart, causing my chest to feel tight. It was a level of anxiety that I hadn't experienced in some time.  

When I got inside, I went straight to the bedroom. I found Dieter sprawled out on his back in nothing but his black boxer briefs, the covers now shoved off to the side. He was snoring lightly, completely unaware that I had returned. After undressing down to my bra and panties, I crawled into the bed beside him, propping myself up on one elbow and draping my other arm and a leg across him. My hand roamed the width of his broad chest, stirring him from his slumber.  

His eyes blinked open slowly as he grabbed my hand and brought it to his lips.  

“Did you get everything figured out?” he asked with a gravelly tone.  

I nodded, not trusting my voice as I moved my hand to cup his cheek. His brows furrowed, his eyes now studying my face, “Everything ok?” 

My lips set into a tight line as I nodded again. I let out a stuttered breath, “I just…need you...I need you to calm my mind.”  

I didn’t have to say another word. Dieter knew what I needed. He knew how to get me out of my head before I spiraled to a place that wasn’t healthy for me to be. The connection that scared us so much in the beginning was now our refuge. It’s how we communicated and grounded each other when things got tough. We had perfected it into our own brand of therapy.  

He leaned forward, kissing me deeply. His hands roaming my body as he gently turned us so that I was on my back allowing him to settle between my thighs.  

His lips moved downward, his breath heating my neck as he spoke against it, “Concéntrate en mí, mi luz. Déjalo ir.” (Focus on me, my light. Let it go.)  

His fingertips trailed down between my breast, my stomach, then dipped under the black lace of my panties, finding their destination at the apex of my thighs and dipping into the slick. His motions elicited a soft moan from my lips, making me forget my worries for the time being. He had me coming undone in no time as his thumb worked the sensitive nub and his fingers curled inside of me, hitting the right spot that he knew so well. I arched up into him, grinding into his hand as he nuzzled his nose against mine, “That’s it baby. Take what you need from me.”  

His darkened eyes peered down into mine, watching the waves of pleasure wash over me as my jaw fell slack and I trembled beneath him. He kissed me sweetly, slowing his movements and allowing me to come down. As I worked to catch my breath, he sat back on his heels, sliding my panties down my legs as he scooted backwards off the bed. He stood to remove his boxer briefs before crawling back to the center of the bed, tucking his thighs underneath mine, then pulling me up to straddle his hips.  

We sat there for a moment, just looking at each other. My fingers combed through his messy curls as his hands explored my body, settling at the center of my back to unhook my bra. I quickly discarded it on the floor with the rest of our clothes. He hugged me tightly against his chest, our mouths now tasting each other as I moved against his hard length. His lips eventually moved downward as I rose up on my knees, sucking one nipple into his mouth with his hand massaging the other. I moaned into the top of his hair as I hugged him against me, feeling the heat of his mouth going straight to my core.  

His hand freed my breast, moving downward to encircle his hard length to notch the head at my entrance. Our gazes locked as I slowly sank down onto him. His jaw went slack once I began rocking my hips and peppering his face with kisses and whispers of “I love you”. He nuzzled his nose against mine, staring deeply into my eyes with an occasional sensual kiss thrown in. This was our therapy, reconnecting with one another in the most intimate way we knew how. Grounding ourselves and mentally resetting to take on our worries together.  

We went on like that for some time, our sweat covered bodies moving as one until we crashed over the edge together. I tightened around him as stars formed behind my eyelids. Dieter whimpered loudly into my mouth as he spilled into me for the first time in two weeks. It had been two weeks too long. We hadn’t gone that long without being intimate since before we were married, which only seemed to make things more intense than normal.  

We sat in silence, trying to catch our breath as we let physical touch do the talking for us. Our hands running through each other’s hair and sliding across damp skin. Dieter’s head lolled backwards, now looking at me with a dazed smile.  

“I missed you. Let’s not wait that long again. I don’t care if I’m half dead at bedtime, make me do it anyway.”  

I chuckled, “Noted. Hopefully it’ll slow down now that things are settled some.”  

He nodded before kissing me deeply, pulling away to rest his forehead against mine.  

“You wanna tell me what’s going on now? It’s talk time,” he said in a low voice. 

I smiled and leaned back slightly, scratching at his scalp as my eyes took in his beautiful face - his chocolate eyes with the newly formed wrinkles around them from his constant smiles, his curved nose that I loved nuzzling against mine, the grays in his scruffy beard that sent me into sensory overload when he rubbed them against my inner thighs. This was my medication. Him. He was the only thing I needed to be calm and talk through my feelings.  

I sighed, “I don’t wanna let him go, Dieter. I want him to be ours…and I’m not sure how I’ll handle any other outcome.”  

I felt his arms tighten around me, “I know, baby. Me too. If it doesn’t work out, we’ll get through it together. Just like we do everything else…” 

The tears were sliding down my cheeks now. His thumbs reached to wipe them away. I sniffled, “You know what he asked me the other day while we were at the aquarium?”  

He shook his head. I felt a smile tugging at my lips from the memory, “He asked if we’re gonna be his new parents. He said that’s what he wanted.” 

Dieter’s eyes pooled with tears, “He really said that?”  

I nodded, “He did. I told him that it’s not up to us, but if that’s what he wanted, we would try if given the option. I didn’t think you would object to that.”  

The tears were sliding down his cheeks now, but he was smiling. It was happy tears. He sighed, “I can’t help thinking that it’s all gonna work out. It’s just a feeling I have.” 

I reached up to wipe his tears away, “Do you ever wonder if all of this was meant to be? If our path was written in the stars from the beginning?” I inhaled a deep breath before continuing, “I mean…at what point does a series of coincidences become something more? We’re we destined to find each other and go through everything that we went through just so Luca could be in our lives? He probably wouldn’t be if things had happened differently. If we hadn't stayed in the same hotel in New York, or if you had lived just a few minutes farther away from me and I didn’t make it to you in time that night?” 

He huffed out a laugh, “I don’t know about any of that…but if our story is written for us…I wouldn’t change a thing because it brought us together. If that was the way it was meant to happen, then so be it…fuck free choice. I have to believe this is gonna go in our favor because everything else has, even if it was a hard path. It just feels right.” 

I gave him a sad smile, “I wish I could be as positive as you are about it, but I can’t get my hopes up. It’ll just crush me that much more if it doesn’t work out.”  

He kissed my forehead, “It’s ok, I have enough positivity about this for the both of us.” He pulled me tight against his chest, dipping his head to kiss my shoulder. “Can we stay like this until pickup time? I have two weeks to make up for.”  

I snorted out a laugh against his neck, “You’re so ridiculous.”  

He shrugged, “I’m sorry, my dick said he’s not done yet.”  

It was then that I realized he was already getting hard again, still nestled inside of me. I leaned back to look at him and was met with a mischievous smile.  

“Jesus Christ, Dieter! Already? Did you take Viagra or something?” I couldn’t hold back my laugh.  

He scoffed, looking offended at my suggestion. “I don’t need that shit. You know better. It's all me, baby. You do it to me.” He buried his face in my neck before inhaling deeply and groaning, “Fuck…you smell amazing. Why does that do things to me?”  

He fell over onto the bed, pulling me with him and setting off a fit of giggles which led into a rather playful round two.  

We did end up spending most of the morning in bed, eventually showering together, then having a late lunch. We both felt reinvigorated and ready to deal with whatever came our way. We needed that time together - time to regroup and share our emotions.  

I realized the disconnected feeling that I was having about the situation had now subsided. I was almost afraid to admit it, but as we picked Luca up from school that day, it felt like we were truly learning to be a family. It still scared me, but part of me also welcomed it. Luca was excited to see both of us there at pickup. The bright smile he gave us as he approached the car was completely worth it.  

We settled into a routine after that. Dieter and I would take turns dropping him off and picking him up from school. Sometimes we would both go when we could. Each night we would help him with his homework then spend some time reading before bed. I could see an improvement in his reading ability over the following weeks. His teacher was also reporting that he was having major improvements with his grades and seemed to be doing well emotionally. On the days he didn’t have a lot of homework, Dieter would teach him Spanish. He was picking it up quicker than me. It was clear, Luca was thriving in his new life. Dieter and I couldn’t have been prouder of him.  

When he wasn’t in school, he was with one of us - going to set with Dieter on his smaller jobs or hanging out with me in the office. He was forever inquisitive about everything happening around him, always full of questions on the drive home.  

Unfortunately, the more time Luca spent with us outside of the house, the more attention it brought from the paparazzi. We always avoided places where they lurked, but they were increasingly showing up in random locations. One late evening, they caught us leaving the office. Initially, they held back, filming from a distance. However, once I got Luca settled into the back seat, a couple of them appeared next to the car. They asked how I was doing. I played along and was polite at first, but then they asked about Luca. “Who is he? Why is he staying with you?” I shut them down, refusing to speak any further as I got into the driver's side to leave.  

A few days later, I was sitting on the couch, scrolling social media when I found some pictures of Dieter and Luca outside of a snow cone shop. The pictures linked to an online publication. Luca’s face was blurred out, but it was still rattling. The images showed Dieter and Luca laughing, Dieter with his arm around Luca’s shoulders as they waited in line, Dieter ruffling the boy's hair…just very mundane things that supported the most ridiculous article title: Does Dieter Bravo Have a Secret Love Child? 

I nearly choked on nothing as I read it. Scrolling further down into the article revealed more pictures of the both of us dropping Luca off at school and the three of us out and about in town. It was the most ridiculous thing I had ever seen. I tried not to pay it much attention until shared posts started showing up in my feed, and other articles citing that one as a source. It seemed to be getting out of hand in a matter of hours of the original article being published.  

I sighed, pulling myself up off the couch to go find Dieter. He and Luca were downstairs in the craft room, painting. The sliding glass doors were open, allowing the dogs to chase each other in and out of the house, causing absolute chaos. Yet, they were both engrossed in their painting, completely unaware of the madness. I sidled up to Dieter, rubbing at his shoulder to get his attention. Without stopping his paint strokes, he slid one arm around my waist and pulled me into his side, hugging me to him in silence.  

“Dieter, I need to show you something.”  

He nodded, still focused on his canvas. “OK, so show me.”  

I held my phone up in front of his face. His eyes widened as he took in the article title, the paint brush slipped from his fingers and fell to the floor, splattering blue paint everywhere.  

“What the fuck?!?! Seriously?!?!”  

Luca paused, now turning to look at us. “What’s wrong?” he asked with eyes as wide as Dieter’s. Dieter burst out laughing as he realized what they were insinuating. “The bullshit they come up with…that one takes the cake.”  

I huffed, “Aren’t you concerned that’s gonna cause a frenzy though? They’ve already started bugging us.”  

He sighed, “That’s a good point…I have an interview scheduled for Friday. Maybe I can address it then? Or Maybe Elaine can do a press release? I dunno… I’ll call her tonight.” 

Luca was still watching us, wide-eyed. Dieter smiled at him, “It’s nothing hombrecito. Just the paps posting crazy stories about us.”  

Luca rolled his eyes and turned back around to work on his painting of what I assumed was Moony.  

Dieter grabbed my ass and squeezed gently, “Don’t worry about it, mi estrella (my star). I’ll take care of it.”  

He planted a juicy kiss on my lips. As he pulled away, Moony grabbed the paint brush he had dropped and took off outside. We watched in horror as two of the foster pups proceeded to try and grab it from him, getting blue paint all over their faces in the process.  

I snorted, “You’re cleaning that mess up.”  

Luca laughed loudly as Dieter dropped his head and slumped his shoulders in defeat.  

True to his word, Dieter did take care of the rumors. He addressed it during his interview, which was meant to focus on one of his new film projects. I tuned in to watch, nervous over how it would go.  

The interviewer opened by addressing the gossip head on, asking if it was true that he had a secret love child. Dieter laughed at the ridiculousness of it before diving into his response.  

“The short answer is no, I do not. I believe I was pretty open about being snipped before Talia and I got married. So, I’m not really sure how anyone came to that particular conclusion.”  

Then the interviewer asked, “And the long answer?” 

His demeanor changed, a genuine smile spreading across his face now. “We do have a young gentleman staying with us right now. He’s a minor, so I’m not gonna share any details…but I can say that I worked with him through the mentoring program that our foundation funds through the local school system. He’s found himself in an unfortunate situation and needed a place to go. So, we’ve opened our home to him until things get figured out.”  

“So, it’s temporary then?”  

Dieter shrugged, “That’s what they’re telling us for now, but we’ll see.” 

The interviewer gave him a warm smile, “Well, I hope things turn out the way you want them to. Thanks for sharing that with us. I know it’s been a hot topic the last few days. Now, let’s move on to your next film…”  

I let out a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding. That seemed like it went well. My phone buzzed. It was Elaine.  

Elaine: Don’t worry. He answered it perfectly. That should calm things down. It’ll probably even translate to more (positive) press for him too.  

Me: Thanks. That helps calm my nerves some.  

Elaine: I know. 😏 (smirk emoji) 

I chuckled. She knew me too well.  

Things did settle down with the paparazzi after that. Thankfully. However, there was still a black cloud hanging over us. We were waiting for the call that would change everything. It had been two months since Luca had first come to stay with us. I had only received the occasional text thus far to say there were no updates. However, on this day, my phone lit up with an incoming call from Amber. My heart immediately started hammering in my chest out of fear of what news she would bring. I hesitated, but finally answered.  

“Hey Talia, it’s Amber. I wanted to give you a call to share the latest. We got a lead on an aunt…his dad’s sister. We’re working to track her down. It’s the only thing we’ve got so far though. I’m not sure how promising it is.” 

My mouth had gone dry, I almost couldn’t speak, “That’s…great news.” It sounded forced and disingenuous.  

I wasn’t sure if Amber picked up on it or not. If she did, she didn’t let on, “How’s he doing? Things still going well? We’re getting good reports from the school.”  

I cleared my throat, “Yeah, he’s doing great. He seems like he’s adjusted well.”  

“That’s good. You guys are doing a good job with him. Keep up the work. I’ll give you a call when I hear something new. Talk to you soon.” 

I had to force a “goodbye” out as I disconnected the call. This wasn’t the news that I wanted, and I dreaded sharing it with Dieter.  

Dieter took the news about like I thought he would. His optimistic attitude was beginning to wane. Having the uncertainty of everything hanging over our heads made it hard to enjoy our time together as a family. Every time my cell phone rang, it took us out of the moment and raised our anxiety to max levels. We hadn’t told Luca about the latest development, deciding that we wanted him to enjoy his time with us with as little worry as possible. He deserved that much.  

About three and a half months into Luca’s time with us, we were all in the dining room. I was cleaning up after dinner while Dieter helped Luca with his math homework, or rather, Luca was teaching Dieter how to do his math homework because Dieter wasn’t following. We were laughing at Dieter’s tirade about how ridiculous math is when my phone rang.  

I saw Amber’s name flash across my phone. My expression must have given it away because Dieter’s words trailed off as he gave me a worried look. I gave him a tight smile before stepping outside onto the deck to take the call.  

“Hey Amber, how are you?” I asked, trying to sound chipper and happy to talk to her.  

“Hey Talia! I’m good. How is everyone on your end?” 

I nodded as I responded, “G-Good. We’re all good here…” It didn’t sound very convincing.  

I could hear the smile in her voice, “That's great to hear. So, I’ll get to the point…After checking everything out, it looks like it’s all hinging on the aunt. There are no surviving grandparents and there doesn’t appear to be any other close relatives. We’re still trying to locate the aunt, but I’m gonna be honest…based on some of the feedback we’ve gotten, she may not be fit to take him even if she wants to. If that’s the case, then the next step is Luca becoming available for adoption.”  

I was quiet for a moment, processing her words. I was feeling both excitement and fear with this news. There was still a chance that someone else could get him, but we were one step closer. Amber interrupted my thoughts, “Is that something you think you guys might be interested in at this point? Adopting him? You get first dibs since he’s already with you.” 

I inhaled deeply, “Ummm…” Dieter caught my eye through the window. He was still sitting with Luca at the table, but watching me intently, looking for any sign as to what was happening with our conversation. “Yes, we want to. More than anything…but…I do have some concerns.”  

Amber was quiet for a moment, “Such as?” 

I let out a stuttered breath, “Will our mental health history be an issue? I don’t want to start this if there’s no chance…” 

Amber cut me off, “No, no. Absolutely not. You guys have been good for a while now. You’re both doing great, and you make a point to take care of yourselves in that regard…and it gives you a hand up in dealing with Luca’s trauma too. As long as your doctor supports and signs off on it, it’s a non-issue.”  

I sighed in relief. This was something that had been at the back of my mind that I was afraid to acknowledge, but it seemed like it was reaching the point where I needed to.  

“That’s good to hear. That gives me some hope then…but I don’t wanna get my hopes up either.”  

“I understand that. It’s not an easy situation. Being a foster parent is hard. It takes a strong person to let these kids in, knowing they may ultimately have to let them go and never see them again.” 

I huffed out a laugh, “Yeah, I don’t think I can do this again. As much as I want to, I can’t.”  

“I can’t say I’m surprised by that. I’m happy you tried it though. At least you know what it’s about.”  

“Yeah…me too…” 

We ended the call after that. I was rubbing at my forehead as Dieter walked out onto the deck, silently closing the door behind him.  

“What did she say?” he asked. The look on his face could only be described as a mixture of fear and anguish.  

“They’re still looking for the aunt…but it’s down to her. There are no other options. If she can’t or doesn’t want to take him, then he’ll be available for adoption.”  

You could see the tension leave Dieter’s body as he closed the space between us and pulled me into a tight hug. 

“That’s good news then. We’re one step closer. It’s better than the alternative.” 

I sighed, “Yeah, I guess. You know…I feel kind of shity hoping that no one wants this kid. It’s sad for him. I don’t want him to feel unwanted and like he doesn’t have a family, yet that’s exactly what I’m wishing for. I feel selfish.”  

Dieter pushed some stray hairs back off my face, “That’s not true, mi vida (my life). He’s wanted and he does have a family…doesn’t matter if it’s not by blood. We wanna give him a life and we will…a fulfilling and happy one. That’ll be enough for him. So, wish away. It’s not selfish if we have good intentions.”  

I nodded, fighting back tears. He always knew the right thing to say to calm me.  

We decided to wait until we had more concrete news before we told Luca anything. I knew he had to be curious. He never asked though. We continued through our daily routine, living as a family and falling completely in love with the kid more and more with each passing day. He fit into our life so perfectly and was literally becoming a mini version of Dieter. Seeing them together made my heart feel complete, filling in that last little puzzle piece that I hadn’t even realized was missing.  

Seeing the fatherly side of Dieter was causing me to fall for him even more, which I didn’t realize was possible. The man had so much love to give now that he had opened himself up to it and he had no limits. I loved every version of him, but this one…it was something else.  

About a month later, I was in the kitchen cleaning up after breakfast. Dieter had left to drop Luca off at school. I had just watched one of the foster dogs overturn a large bowl of water as they all caused chaos throughout the house, when my phone rang. It was Amber. I felt my stomach drop. I knew this call was going to change everything. It was the call we had been anxiously awaiting while simultaneously hoping it never came.  

As soon as Amber greeted me, I was trying to read her voice. She was giving me nothing as she got into her usual small talk. I finally had to cut her off.  

“Amber, I don’t mean to be rude, but can we cut to the chase? What’s going on?” 

She chuckled, “It’s not rude. I know you guys have been waiting for a while to see how this is gonna go.”  

I laughed nervously, “Yeah, we have.” 

I could hear her take a deep breath before she continued. It immediately set me on edge.  

“Well…depending on how you look at it, I have some good news.” 

That didn’t really tell me anything. In fact, it made me more nervous. “Ok, and that news is…?” 

She was smiling now, “So, we finally got in contact with the aunt. She’s not interested or even able to care for him. Which means you guys can start the process for adoption if you still want that.”  

I couldn’t hold back my tears. It took everything in me to keep from sobbing into the phone. “Yes. Yes, of course we do. I mean, I wanna talk to Luca about it first, but yes…we do.”  

“I thought you might say that. I’ll send the paperwork over this afternoon. I’m here to help you through the process, so let me know if you need anything.”  

I thanked her before disconnecting the call. I stood there in the middle of the kitchen, unable to move in disbelief. The sobs bubbled up from my chest, no longer able to contain them. I was feeling every emotion - excitement, happiness, relief. It was almost too much. Dieter came in from the garage just as I was allowing the emotions to overtake me. He immediately rushed over to me, engulfing me in his arms and pulling me tightly against his chest as he begged me to tell him what was going on. It took me a minute to finally compose myself enough to talk.  

I sniffled, “Amber just called…” 

He pulled back just enough to meet my gaze, looking like he was about to break as his eyes filled with tears.  

I shook my head, still sniffling, “N-No, it’s good news. The aunt…she didn’t want him. Amber’s sending the adoption paperwork over today.”  

I watched his features shift from distraught to excitement as a brilliant toothy smile spread across his face. His eyes flooded with happy tears as sobs rippled through his body. He pulled me back into a tight embrace mumbling sweet words into my neck. We were elated as realization set in that we were finally going to have a son.  

Dieter and I went to pick Luca up from school together that afternoon. We had decided that we would tell him the news at dinner and ask him how he felt about it. So, when Luca asked from the back seat why we were so smiley, it took everything in us not to say anything just yet. Dieter chuckled, changing the subject without answering him. Instead, he asked Luca what he wanted for dinner.  

He put his finger to his chin, like he was deep in thought, “Hmmm…how about…pizza!”  

Dieter and I laughed at his enthusiasm and agreed that it felt like a pizza night. To Luca’s delight, we stopped to pick up two pizzas on the way home. As we walked inside, I watched Luca go to his room to put his things away. A few minutes later he returned and without a word began preparing the dog's dinner while Dieter assisted. They disappeared downstairs to feed everyone while I pulled out cups and plates for us to eat once they were finished. The way we had settled into our life still amazed me most days and it was hitting me all over again that this would soon be permanent.  

Just as we were finishing up dinner, Dieter was the one to bring up the news. I watched as his fingers began to absentmindedly trace the groove in his glass of water. He was nervous. I reached over and took his other hand in mine, giving it a squeeze.  

“So…Luca, we got some news today that we wanna talk to you about.”  

Luca looked between us, his brown eyes wide and hopeful. Something told me he knew what it was about. He gently pushed his plate away and leaned forward on the table, waiting for Dieter to continue. 

“It looks like we’re gonna be given the opportunity to apply for adoption so that you can stay with us…but we wanna make sure you’re ok with that first.”  

Luca’s brows furrowed, “Does that mean you can be my parents for real?” 

Dieter shot a nervous glance in my direction before looking back at the boy, “Yeah, that means we can be your parents for real. You would be stuck with us, forever.” 

Luca’s eyes filled with tears, “Really? I can stay here?”  

Dieter and I both nodded. Luca launched out of his seat to run around the table and hug us.  

“We still have to go through the process, and it has to be approved by the court, but we’re gonna do everything we can to make it official.” I added. I wanted to make it clear that we still had a process to get through. It didn’t matter though, the prospect of it was enough. We were all a crying mess before it was all said and done. Excited about the news and possibilities.  

Dieter and I worked to get the paperwork started and submitted within days of receiving it. It was a long and arduous process, but we managed it. After eleven months of jumping through all the hoops of paperwork, home visits, check ins, and interviews, we finally got our adoption hearing with the court. The entire family joined us as did many of our close friends. Several representatives from the school and CDSS were in attendance as well to show their support in addition to the numerous letters of support that had been submitted to the court on our behalf. With no dissent or challenges to the adoption, the judge had no issues with approving it. The judge praised us for the work we were doing with Luca and with the community. Everyone broke out into cheers as Dieter pulled Luca and I into his chest for a group hug. We couldn’t have been happier with the outcome.  

As we exited the courthouse, we thanked everyone who came to support us. Luca had a smile on his face through it all, holding on to mine and Dieter’s hands as we walked through the building. It was an emotionally exhausting morning for us, but we were in high spirits as we reached the car, discussing where to go for a celebratory lunch.

Dieter dropped Luca’s hand to reach for the back door to open for him, but Luca, who was still holding my hand tightly in his other one, grabbed Dieter’s wrist, stopping him from opening the door. We both paused, giving him a questioning look. 

“Does this mean I can call you mom and dad now?” he asked in a shy voice as he looked between the two of us.  

Dieter and I glanced at each other, both of us clearly getting emotional all over again as tears pooled in our eyes before kneeling down to Luca and pulling him into a hug. We sat there in silence for a brief time, all of us sniffling like fools.  

“You can call us whatever you want, hombrecito (little man),” Dieter finally said.  

“Within reason,” I added with a chuckle.  

Dieter and Luca snorted as I mussed the boy’s hair. Luca leaned over to Dieter conspiratorially, “I guess mujer mandona (bossy woman) is out of the question then?”  

Dieter’s tea kettle laugh sounded across the parking lot as he shook his head from side to side. I stared at the two of them trying to figure out what was so damn funny.  

Dieter finally sputtered out between chuckles, “I would probably avoid that one, bud.” 

I huffed, looking at Luca, “What did you say?” The only response he gave was to shake his head, still smiling. I looked toward Dieter, “What did he say? Dieter?”   

Dieter laughed harder, refusing to answer me as he continued to shake his head and hold his stomach with his hand.  

“Ok, I see how it is you two...You're on dinner duty tonight for that.” I said as I got into the passenger seat of the car, smiling and shaking my head at them.  

Dieter opened the back door, allowing Luca to plop down before he got into the driver's seat. They were both still chuckling as I gave them some serious side eye. Dieter suddenly gasped loudly, “I have an idea! Let’s head off the gossip columns and make it Instagram official.”  

I arched an eyebrow in his direction, then looked at Luca. He smiled and shrugged, “Sure.” 

Dieter pulled out his phone as Luca scooted forward to lean between the front seats. Dieter squished his cheek against Luca’s and held his arm out to take a picture, but paused, then turned to look at me.  

“Come on mama, you’re gonna be in it too,” he said with a smirk. Luca was smiling at me now too.  

His words and their smiles made my heart flutter in my chest, causing me to feel almost giddy. How could I say no to that? I leaned forward and squished my cheek against Luca’s while Dieter did the same to the other side. All of us gave the camera cheesy smiles as he snapped a few pics. We examined the images and picked the best one, all giving our approval before Dieter went to work.  

Once Dieter made the post, he shoved his phone away and gave me a lopsided grin. I narrowed my eyes at him as I unlocked my phone to check Instagram.  

The post was already racking up likes and comments. It was a cute picture, with an even cuter caption: “Our family just got bigger. It’s Luca Bravo’s gotcha day! Your mama and papa love you, hombrecito!”  

For the first time in months, I felt light and unencumbered. We were finally a family without worry and full of love and happiness. What more could we possibly ask for?  

Dieter’s hand moved to my thigh, squeezing gently as he pulled out onto the main road to be immediately stopped by a red light. He glanced over at me with a mischievous grin.  

“What are you smiling about?” I asked. 

He fought to keep a straight face as he glanced at me for a second time, “Me and Luca want a baby goat.”  

Well…there’s that.  

A/N: Everyone, give a big cheer for Dieter and Talia's one year anniversary! I can't believe it's been a year since I introduced these two to the world. Thank you for all the love and support you have given to them (and me) through it all. I'm sure we will see more of these two at some point. We need to know how Dieter finally ended up with that baby goat that he wanted so badly...

Now that we have learned the details about how Luca came to be in their care and Dieter and Talia's journey to expand their family, does that change your view on the events that come later in the Epilogue? They really have been put through it.

And we got more Daddy Dieter goodness, that's always fun. Doesn't he just make you melt? I think how he handled everything in this oneshot shows just how much he has grown...and how much Talia has too.

I'll stop rambling now. Sound off about your thoughts with a comment or reblog. You know I love to hear them!

Want more Dieter & Talia? Check out their story at the links below:

✨Destiny & Deliverance is where it all started.

✨The Light in the Darkness tells us the story from Dieter's POV. (New chapters coming soon.)

If you would like to be added to the Destiny & Deliverance Universe tag list, let me know in the comments or shoot me a DM.

Divider Credits: Reblog/MDNI: @cafekitsune Stars: @saradika

D&D Taglist: @rhoorl @bitchwitch1981 @readingiskeepingmegoing @runningmom94  @for-a-longlongtime 

@hisandsnakes @chaoticfestninja @survivingandenduring  @partyofone3413 @wannab-urs 

@cakipy-blog @titlee78 @poodlebae @guelyury  @missladym1981 

@maried01 @alokaerza @samiamproductions @misstokyo7love  @themonadiaries-blog 

@madnessofadaydreamer @darkheartgatita @avastrasposts  @weho2kcmo @harriedandharassed 

@tkchaos @girlofchaos @yghuibt  @musings-of-a-rose @annieispunk 

@sarcasm-theotherwhitemeat @copperhalfcent  @bunniboo0015 @indiegirlunited @babycatkitty 

@stevie75 @jessthebaker  @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @txlady37 @knownasyami 

@annalovesflorida @imdrinkingpedro @sunnytuliptime @pedrostories @dieterbravobrainrotclub

[sintiva]

cw: eren has bad anxiety and anger issues, a little angst, penetrative sex, nipple play, grinding, cowgirl, lmk if i missed anything !

notes: the first request i’ve done in ages, i hope it’s not too long (it is), and it’s definitely written differently compared to other things, but do enjoy, (the ending was rushed shoot me )🫰🏽 feedback appreciated!

connie threw thee biggest and best parties known to man. they were always a vibe, and if you weren’t in attendance, you were missing everything that went on, on campus. hookups, new faces, more drama, and the best weed to float around campus. connie made sure everything was in order, and most important to him besides his friends, good drinks and pretty girls, was weed.

“yo, where’s eren at?” connie asked as he smoked on a roach. he was nearly out of weed, and his party had only just begun, and per usual eren was late as fuck. the roach burnt his fingers and lips, but he was desperate and he held on to what little he had left.

“probably out with some other bitch.” you snapped. connie chuckled and fixed his hand around your waist. you sat on his lap, and he fondled every inch of you. your thighs, your tits, your ass. he wouldn’t admit it, but connie springer, was fucking sprung when it came to you, and the one time you let him tap, he came… too quick.

his eyes were extremely low, he was faded, slowly treading the line of being cross faded, and you looked too damn good. “why’d you say it like that, ma?”

“hmmm, no reason. it’s just what i’m thinkin’, and we both know it’s the truth. that’s your friend ain’t it? ” you tick your tongue, and lower your gaze to the fiend who just won’t quit stroking your skin; hand skimming freely under your dress, fingers grazing so closely to your panties! down to your slit, thumb poking at it.

n-not out here.

he smirks and lowers the tempo; it was all just to make you squirm on his lap. he’s trying to hint at you — let you know that their is something lingering. your nips perk up and and like thin air, the topic of eren evaporated. just like that.

just that quickly, he was forgotten. so there you were in the back of this party, so close to being fingered on a couch as you straddled connie’s lap. so far in the back, so drunk. not even aware of how quickly you straddled connie’s thighs. how quicky he tossed the roach aside, focused on your dress, pulling the neck of it down, so he could sit up and suck on your tits in the back of the party.

“c-connie, someone — he might see us.”

connie heard he, and instantly didn’t give a fuck. he, was eren, who was somehow appearing as a fuzzy hue in the back of your mind.

“and? when’s that ever stopped us, mamas?” his lips found purchase in your skin. the sweetness, the butteriness; his lips tracking your skin made his dick leak ad throb in his sweats, and you practically straddled the tip of it anyway.

what started as innocent playing and kisses turned into you full on grinding on him in the back — his hands were cupping your ass, and he was carrying you back and fourth on his dick; through the cloth it was more than enough. you both knew were things were going, but neither of you wanted to stop, nor had the intentions to.

until… connie felt you levitate off the couch, his lap still cold, and loud arguing, waking him up from whatever delusions were running through his head. he blinked a couple of times, smacked his cheeks, shook his head to clear any and all thoughts that he just had of you. the weed and drinks have long settled in his system. he was totally unaware of the mini altercation that was occurring between you and…

“eren, what the fuck.”

“what the fuck my ass, you don’t see how he’s staring at you right now? he’s practically eye fucking you and you like that stupid shit?”

“first off, i don’t know who you’re yelling at like you’re someone’s father. second of all, you be out all day and when i text you, you don’t respond to nothing and now you pop up like a fucking lunatic. i don’t owe you anything eren.”

“you’re joking right?” you scoff, completely baffled.

“i will tell you time and time again, i don’t care how big you think you are, you will calm the fuck down when it comes to me.”

and there he goes. blunt in between his fingers, faded, eyes red and low. all black fit, hair down those silver rings <3. “i leave you alone for one da—“

“and that’s the problem, we had plans today and you forget about them.”

“y/n, i texted you three hours ago telling you that something popped up and we’d have to push it to tonight or tomorrow evening.”

“when?”

“at around 4 o’clock.”

your nails tapped at your phone screen, and the moment your palms tightened around your sage green bubble case, you were met with the same text you were sure you sent three hours earlier with nothing after. no confirmations or anything.

“not a single text, reaction, or call, and to make it worse, it was for our anniversary.”

it was eren who looked dumb now, coming to the party causing a scene, forcing yet another stupid, pointless fight. another headache, another upset you and you walked away before he could get a word in, but your got yours in.

“you want me to be your partner, i do everything to make sure we’re good — always — but you can never be a decent human.”

wait y/n… baby—“ he throws his arm out to reach you.

i don’t care anymore. do what you want that’s what you always do anyways.

“it was an honest mistake.”

fuck!

you fixed your dress and simply walked away. with a couple twitches you were gone as quickly as he pulled you in. time and time again, he proves to fuck everything up.

it would seem as though he had countless things on his mind, but you were always at the back of it. and when i say always, you were always the one putting in more effort it seemed.

he flicked his blunt out his fingers and stepped on it. the flame died under the tip of his shoe, and beneath it a black circle of ash. “my floor??” connie’s mouth stretched; his arms flew up in the air, “i don’t give a fuck, stay away from y/n and we won’t have an issue.”

“like i’m the problem? when you figure your shit out you’ll realize i’m not the problem.” connie stood up rolled his eyes and held his hand out. “you’re not getting shit from me.”

the thing eren hated the most was a lecture; how big or small didn’t matter. getting told about himself was a total bust, and fucking things up with you was a consequence he’d always have to face.

the next few weeks were dreadful. eren felt like and looked like shit, but businesses was business. he had customers, deliveries and a shit ton of other things that filled his schedule. internally, he was collapsing, it was all too much. he couldn’t think clearly and he was just working and smoking himself to exhaustion.

but his delivery after the party, after watching you disappear in the crowd, fell through the floor.

nothing could stop him, not armin, not looking at pictures of you. standing outside of your door hoping you’d come downstairs to hop into his car to accompany him for his deliveries. eren’s anger was bubbling over, and the prime suspect was nobody but himself.

he had planned to deliver to connie the day after his party, because you wrote it into his calendar. you had his entire day written out in the calendar, to pick you up, go find somewhere to eat so y’all could have brunch, then you’d take your rightful position as his passenger princess; he’d drive a little ways out the city to go and deliver to connie.

for starters he was late, he didn’t have the usual brunch and he was strongly irritable. he didn’t get to sleep with you, or wake up to you, and all that anger was being channeled towards the wrong person.

305-245-6755

come outside to get your shit.

another thing that eren didn’t do was communicate with his clients, because he knew he’d lose his cool with them. for some reason they would all hit on you in awkward ways, so eren just lets you text them on his behalf. you would always draft a mass message to send out, it’d be all cute, typed with courtesy and delivered like a real business. today there was none of that.

eren sat in his car, wasteland on repeat, arm flung over his eyes to curb his headache. then came tapping against his window, courtesy of connie.

“about fucking time.”

eren rolled his window down and flung a plastic baggy filled with a scarce looking zip being the contents.

“what is this?”

“what you asked for?” eren shrugged his shoulders, and put his seatbelt on. “don’t play eren, this looks like a half at most.”

“i’m surprised you know that much.” eren reached for a blunt out of his pocket and lit it. he blew the smoke right in connie’s face. “since you know so much, use that brain of yours to not piss me off right now.”

there relationship has always been rocky. eren still hasn’t gotten over the fact that you two were once a thing, and whenever he sees y’all together it irks his nerves real bad. even after you tell him time and time again, your feelings for connie are long gone, but his still linger and tug at his heart.

“if this is about y/n, you can grow up. whatever shit y’all got going on, ain’t got nothing to do with me.”

“i know you still like them, and it’s not up for debate. you can either stay away from ‘em or find out.”

even put out his blunt because for some reason it wasn’t working to calm his nerves. it was getting him hotter than when he arrived the longer the conversation persisted.

the more connie countered, it triggered fight instead of resisting. he reached for his door handle, seething and as soon as be was about to pull it open connie’s friend came outside to see what all the commotion was.

“what’s going on?”

nothing eren snapped, vexed that he was really letting connie of all people get up under him like that. of course, it pleased him knowing that he got under eren’s skin, but that was all he had on him.

he rarely spoke to you anymore, and when you too would interact; the exchange’s would be short, inauthentic, almost scripted like you were never really interested.

“i’m out. don’t ask me for shit else.”

connie turned to his friend and shook that baggie in his face, “he’s delusional.”

eren sped home, tapping his fingers against the wheel, biting his lip, things were dreadful without you like experiencing a tropical storm with no shelter. he was thinking of stopping by your place, just to see it, just to make sure your car was there, and maybe your blinds would he open and he’d see you laid up in bed. so he swung by, but only for a short while, and it’s like he expected. peace.

he finally drove back to his place, car boxed, and his head banging. just a nagging feeling of ‘i fucked up and i need to talk to somebody’. the person he resorted to was none other than his best friend, armin. he gave him the whole run down, he told him everything from what happened last night at the party to what happened today. eren articulate ld his feelings perfectly, and at the end of it all armin gave him a simple answer, “you two just need space, it could be for a day, five, two weeks, a month.”

“if the love is there things will fix itself, if trust is reciprocated you both will come back to the other. y’all are both just hard headed and constantly clash.”

that’s all he could say and it seemed like it helped. there was a hint of worry. considering the fact that you two may give the other space, waiting for the moment the other would reach out first made him anxious. he didn’t like to wait, he was impatient.

which lead to him cracking first. he showed up to your door, severely high, psyched out and sweaty. it was afternoon time and you had just woken up. it’d been two weeks and the reality was you missed your boyfriend so much so that you just slept your days away to ease the thoughts, until he started visiting you in your dreams.

the next day was awkward for eren. he thought about what armin told him and figured it was time to visit you. when he pulled up to your place it still carried that same aura.

to say the least. you woke up with tissues around your bed, 16 text, 20 missed calls and the faint sound of someone calling your name and knocking on your door.

just like how it was a couple weeks ago. you saw eren in your notifications, in your dreams and on your ring doorbell app. ‘go away’ you mumble into your phones microphone.

his face lights up and he walks up straight into the camera’s frame, “don’t be like that, baby.” it were his first words he’s heard from you in weeks— he needed i. that evil man can pout once and place those pretty eyes right into the camera and it feels like you were ovulating.

i know you miss me, cause i’ve missed you.

and he wants you to know that, so he sings it like a sweet ballad, when you decide to let him in, like always. a sweet hug, wet kisses on your cheeks two big bouquets of your favorite flowers (apology notes written within each, your favorite m&ms, and some sweet talking secured himself into your place.

‘you know i wouldn’t do anything intentional to you. it was an honest mistake, trust me… let me make it up to you.”

“i planned a trip… just for the both of us — we can go anywhere you want.”

he holds your face in his hands, and gives you the softest look he could muster. he brings your face closer, tilts his head to the side and just licks your your lips with the tip of his tongue till you open up.

“let me kiss you, princess, pleaseeee.” he whines.

you kiss him back gently as if he did no wrong. hands thrown over his shoulders, fingers running through his air. through the kiss you could feel the smirk teasing at his lips, cause the both of you knew arguments fail each time. they never hold weight, and eren was already paying back his debt.

he pulled away nearly out of breath and lips glossed from saliva. “i sent you money already did you get it? for some clothes to get your hair done, nails and a little extra for whatever you need to get.”

“i didn’t see it — cause i blocked you and i know you had armin call my phone on your behalf.”

while you spoke he held onto you so tight. his lips were soft and smooth from the chapstick that transferred from his lips to yours.

“i know,” he chuckled and settled his hands behind your back. “you’ve always been like that.”

“ i have, but you can send me a little more to get unblocked though, and for almost fighting connie; min told me.”

his cheeks grew red out of sheer embarrassment, he knew armin would talk, but he didn’t think it’d be to that extent.

“of course he did. he can never keep his mouth shut.”

“it’s your fault, you can’t blame anybody else and you know better.”

he sighed and took out his phone, went to your name in his messages (the first and only pinned :)) , clicked the apple pay button and sent you an extra 900 on top of the 1,500 he sent you.

he showed you, his phone screen illuminated against your face and you immediately brightened up some more, that smile, those lips, everything he loved to see.

“see — happy now?”

“yes, but you seem happier than me.” he is, his stomach is bubbling with anticipation. he’s been a nervous wreck for the past two weeks.

you feel him straining against your thigh, “and you smoked before you came here, you don’t do that a lot, were you nervous to see me?” he squeezes tighter.

“i-it calmed me down.” he cleared his throat and squished your thighs. it would have to work since he didn’t have anything else to squeeze.

you switch your seating, over to his left thigh, you stroke his head, his pants. familiarizing yourself with his outline, applying enough pressure to his tip to make his thigh jump. “why are you so nervous ‘ren?”

“cause you’ve been the only thing on my mind for the past two weeks, and now my body just feels like super stimulated or whatever shit it is that you talk about…” an innocent blush creeps up his cheeks.

“i’ve been seeing you in my dreams and shit, i thought i would die if didn’t see you sooner.”

it would take you forever to admit that he too was in your dreams, cause they weren’t the most innocent one’s.

“you can be a real sweetheart when you let things out, you know, and when you’re being honest.”

he rolled his eyes, and fondled your skin. “it’s only cause of you, i don’t want to lose someone that makes me so happy.”

here he was making it up to you, with gifts and pleasure: a cocktail that never failed.

his words only made him dreamier, “you’re forgiven, just don’t leave me wondering again.” you place a soft peck on his forehead and flash a smile.

those dreams and longing lights guided your lips together again. they made you strip down to to nothing. he needed to see every inch of you cause two weeks was torture. he craved to feel how warm you got when you were on top. the two of you were so pent up, all that bundled up energy was spewing everywhere.

leading to his fingers circling your clit. slow circles that made you grind against them for more. your legs were spread over his thighs. he looked in your eyes to let you know he meant every word that he breathed, and he meant every action acted upon.

the longer you two twiddled your thumbs, the more he teased, the harder it got to resist. “i know you want to.” he whispered. 

you did. you really did. this whole time you could feel him poking at your ass. and you just needed to. you raised up off his lap and he made everything easier. you could feel all the stress leaving his body once you sunk down on him. every single inch throbbing the deeper he got.

“you want all of it?” he grabs your hips and gives you all of it. he bites his lip and winces.

“yesss,” you whisper in defeat, his plan worked he has you nipping at his lips. fingers stretching along your ass to get a nice, full grab, to hold onto you, to spread your cheeks so he can help you take every inch. “wait wait, let me do it.” you sigh into his mouth, twitching from feeling him in your guts. “too much?” he smiles and takes a nice hand-full of your ass and jiggles it.

“it’s enough for me.”

“cause you’re greedy.” you suck your teeth and giggle, “can you blame me?” he tilts his head; eyes roaming your face and body.

but he adjust his hands and lets you take control. your arms feel light around his neck, you take charge with slow bounces; it’s more of a grinding motion cause you just wanna cum, and feeling his hands roam all over your body encourages you on.

“ ‘rennn.” he’s infatuated. hands gliding all over you. playing with your tits, rolling your nipples in between his fingertips the hastier your pace becomes. “make yourself feel good.” he groans over and over then wraps his lips around your nipples and sucks. with every slurp around your chest he groans and tightens his grips on your hips. everything melts onto his tongue, your taste forever lasting. “oooh, erennn, ‘m gonna cum.” his head falls back as you squeeze him tight; your nipples and clit thumping from stimulation. the stimulation you get from your clit grazing against his stomach makes you desperately chase after your orgasm.

“me too.” he strains, his thighs dance around; head bobbing from side to side. being so pent up and high depleted his stamina.

you feel him throbbing harder in you as your grinding becomes more desperate and sloppy. he thrusts his hips up, your eyebrows knit and thighs tremble as you cum over and over on his dick, bringing him to his own, “good fucking pussy, baby.”

the steady rhythm of your ass clapping against his thighs felt like heaven. the constant squeezes to your ass boost your ego. his fingers sink into your ass cheeks to gain leverage to pound his self into you as your legs tremble from cumming.

after sex you two showered together, which led to more sex, and decided to watch a movie and order takeout. eren ended up falling asleep, so you decided to do his makeup and post it on twitter for your followers to see. the caption being, “ p***** his ass to sleep, now he calling my nyquil”, corny but it got the job done. that was a whole nother story when he woke up, but you decided you two were even, and the glam made him look even prettier.

[whoslai]

Off The Menu - Lee Heeseung (Chapter 1)

genre: angst, fluff, slow-ish burn, eventual smut!! (you’re responsible for what you consume, read at your own risk)

warnings: none?? reader has anxiety/social anxiety and a few insecurities here and here. major slice of life for you peeps 

send me an ask if you’d like to be tagged! thank you to all my new followers, you guys are amazing for supporting me. please interact and give me as much feedback as you’d like (don’t be an ass tho, no need to spread negativity.

not proof read, sorry for any typos in advance. 

word count: 3.3k 

link to series masterlist or whatever

next chapter

Chapter 1: “Hey, lol.”

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Fall wasn’t your favorite season. From the stress of studying for finals to worrying about flight tickets back home when winter rolled around, you were never the biggest fan of the autumn months. With the combination of your busy schedule and your failure to get a refill on your anxiety medication, you felt immensely overwhelmed. Another thing to note was how lonely it got; Your family was across the country. Going to school in California was a conscious decision of yours, but you didn’t consider how tiresome it’d get not experiencing the warm embrace of a loved one in your times of need. To even take a trip back home would take you nearly 2 days, and that was simply not a risk you were willing to take with how dingy your car was. 

Your Friday’s typically consisted of this: Breakfast at the café off campus, lectures from 9 am to 12 pm, lunch at 12:30 pm accompanied with a small break, occasional seminars for an hour or so, then you were done. You’d usually study for a little while, but there were no promises. Being a second year psych student had its pros and cons; Less free time throughout the weekdays but completely free weekends. Though the pros outweigh the cons, you could use a bit more time to yourself throughout the week. As you were far from home, you had to make completely new friends. The vibe in California was completely different. You spent the entirety of your first year in your dorm in online school due to your school’s strict precautions against the pandemic, so you’d be stripped of the chance of branching out. While you weren’t the only one who went through this, it was 10x harder for you to go back to normal; Social anxiety had been something you’d struggled with all your life. The fear you felt when in big crowds, when being assigned to group projects, even merely walking to your class on campus…really…sucked. Tasked with the responsibility of your own finances, health insurance was something you simply couldn’t afford. Therefore, you hadn’t been on your meds for God knows how long. But anyway, you wouldn’t stay on such a depressing topic. 

Moving on, you had the weekend to yourself. You’d finished your last lecture around 2 pm and made your way back to your dorm. Fortunately, your roommate hadn’t made it back from her classes, so you had the space all to yourself. You locked the door behind you and took a breath of fresh air.

“Finally.” You sighed to yourself, plopping down onto your bed. Shoes were thrown about and you laid in your bed, indulging in the feeling of relief. But, as expected, it was cut short almost immediately.

Multiple knocks were sounded upon the door. It was nobody but Ningning, your lab partner in Abnormal Psych Stats 2. She was a sweet girl, she truly was. However, she always found a way to be overbearing. But you appreciate her as she was the only reason you ever left your room.

You slowly but surely got up to open the door, greeted by Ningning with a big smile.

“Y/N, were you lying down?” She asked, leaning against the door frame.

“I was, but now I’m up. Come, come.” You told her, moving out of the way so she could come in.

She walked in, closing the door behind her and sat on your bed as you spruced up your desk.

You glanced over at her, noticing that she was biting her lip and she only ever did that when she was holding back from saying something.

“Oh God, what is it?” You groaned, knowing she was about to say something outlandish.

She smiled and sat up, “Okay, don’t be mad but I booked us two tickets at this restaurant over in Malibu. Yes, I know it’s a long drive BUT…it’s worth it. Please tell me you’ll come with me, pleaseeeee…”

You sighed, rubbing your jaw, “I can’t.” Her smile faded, turning into a frown, “I don’t have the funds for that. I just planned on grabbing a meal from the dining hall…I’m trying to save up for a plane ticket.”

She shook her head, “Don’t worry about the costs, I’ll pay, it’ll be my treat. I wasn’t in town on your birthday and I want to make up for my absence. As your best, and ONLY friend, it’s my job to treat you. So, what do you say?”

You sighed to yourself, again. You hadn’t planned on doing anything tonight. You really were looking forward to having some down time to just relax and catch up on some shows. You also weren’t the type to depend on someone to pay for your meal, but one time wouldn’t hurt, right?

“Alright. Fine. When?” You asked her, stacking papers atop of each other.

“Today, tonight, let’s leave before 6 pm since our reservation is at 8:00.” She said, “I figured we could stay the night? If we left by 6 and got there at 7:30 ish, we could check into our reservation and stay at a nearby hotel. It’d be nice to take a break and be on our own for a while.”

You nodded, ‘That sounds nice…but costly? Where’s all this money coming from, Ningning?” 

She smiled, “Let’s just say…my job is treating me well. Now, pack a bag, be ready by 5.” She hurried up and kissed your cheek as she made her way out of your room, closing the door behind you. 

So, a trip. A mini girls trip for a night. You were excited, actually. It’s been a while since you had a chance to take a break. You’ve never been to Malibu either. This should be fun.

Later on, you finished packing a small bag with a few essentials. You changed into an outfit you thought fit the Malibu vibe: A black halter top with beige flowy pants and matching back sandals. You clipped a mango-ish colored flower into your hair after you slicked it back into a ponytail and grabbed your bag. You touched yourself up a bit before walking out of your dorm and made your way down the hall. You knocked on Ningning’s dorm and waited for her to open it.

Once she did, she met you with a smile and walked out with her bag, locking the door behind her. “You look so cute, Y/N. We’re going to have so much fun, trust me.”

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You two soon made it to the restaurant with not a lot of time to spare as it was 8:00 on the dot. Ningning quickly found a parking spot and you both agreed to find a hotel after you ate. 

From the outside looking in, the restaurant was beautiful. It was right beside a beach with a beautiful view of the ocean; Moonshadows Malibu was its name, it truly was something you thought you’d never see in real life. As you two made your way inside, you were hit by the aroma of vanilla and solemn music, only adding to the overall dreamy vibe. A pretty lady at the front greeted you both with a wide smile. She held up two shell necklaces, “Would you ladies like a necklace?” Ningning looked at you before quickly nodding, holding her hands out to grab them. She gave you one as she slipped hers on her head and you followed after her, placing the necklace around your neck.

“We reserved a seat for two?” Ningning remarked towards the lady.

The girl nodded, “What’s the name?”

“Ning Yi Zhuo..” Nigning replied, nodding.

The girl nodded, “Okay, follow me.” She showed you both to the deck of the restaurant, seated outside right above the sand and beside the ocean. You were in awe at how beautiful the sunset was. Ningning thanked the girl as she placed down menus and told you both that your waiter would be over soon.

“It’s so pretty in Malibu…” You sighed, looking at the ocean.

“I grew up right next door to Malibu, actually. I always enjoyed coming here on vacation, such a nice place. Anyway,” She laughed, “What are you getting to drink? I brought my fake just in case…”

You smiled, shaking your head, “I don’t drink, Ningning. You’re always pressuring me to drink.”

She scoffed, “Peer pressure? I’d never!”

You rolled your eyes, “Sure. I’ll probably just get water, I’m trying to be healthier.”

“Aw, okay. I love that for you, but I’m still going to get a Pina Colada.” She sighed, pretending to jut her lip out at you.

You shook your head and looked down at your menu, suddenly feeling your heart dropping. The prices were high! The cheapest thing you saw was $20!

“Jesus, Ningning! These prices are literally so unrealistic.” You told her.

She shrugged, “You pay for the quality, not quantity. They honestly have some of the best food in Malibu, trust me. How about we both share an appetizer and then worry about the entrees later? Sounds good?”

“Okay, well, at least I'll pay for your gas. Deal?” You asked.

“Oh hell yeah, you can definitely pay for my gas.” She nodded to herself.

You closed your menu and took your phone out, capturing some photos of the ocean for later. You wanted to savor the moment. As the sun began to dip below the horizon, casting a warm golden glow over the beach, the waves lapped gently against the shore. The sky was painted in shades of pink and orange, while the clouds seemed to catch fire with the last rays of daylight. A few seagulls flew overhead, their silhouettes dark against the vibrant sky. The air was filled with the salty scent of the sea and the distant sound of laughter and music. It was a moment of peace and beauty that seemed to suspend time, as if the world had paused to take in the breathtaking scene before it.

Only, your attention was stricken as you heard Ningning whisper something. You looked back at her and her eyes were wide and signaling to the side of you; A waiter. Your heart skipped a beat as he drew closer, his smile dazzling and his eyes sparkling. He was even more handsome up close, with strong, chiseled features and a confident demeanor. You felt a sudden burst of nervous energy, unsure of how to act in the presence of such beauty. His voice was smooth and charming as he greeted you both. You felt an immense struggle to keep your composure. It was clear that he had an effect on you, and you simply couldn't help but wonder if he felt the same way.

“Evening, ladies…” The young man greeted you both, “Can I get you guys started with anything to drink?”

Ningning eagerly nodded, “You most certainly can…Y/N?” Hearing your name snapped you out of your mini trance and you looked at her in confusion. She widened her eyes at you, signaling for you to talk.

“I’ll just get some water for now.” You told him, clearing your throat. 

He nodded, “Water it is…” A small smile crept on his face as he glanced back up at you and playfully remarked, “But I’ve got a feeling you might want something a little stronger later on.”

 You couldn't help but feel a bit flustered by his comment, but you managed to laugh it off. "We'll see about that," you replied, trying to hide your growing attraction to him. Ningning, on the other hand, was not as subtle.

 "Oh, I think we definitely will," she said with a grin, winking at the waiter. You shot her a look, but she just shrugged innocently, “I’d like a Piña Colada, extra coconut.”

The waiter chuckled, clearly enjoying the attention. "I'll keep that in mind," he said before taking your orders and walking away. Ningning leaned in, a mischievous glint in her eye.

 "He's cute, isn't he?" she whispered.

You rolled your eyes, but couldn't deny that she was right. "Yeah, he is," you admitted, feeling a flush rise to your cheeks.

“He was soooo flirting with you, Y/N.” She laughed, “It’s time you got some action, anyway. 19 and still a virgin? Unheard of.” You shook your head, trying to brush off her comment. But deep down, you couldn't help but wonder if there was some truth to it. You couldn't wait to see what the rest of the night had in store.

As the night progressed, you and Ningning chatted about a multitude of topics. Life, college, boys, parties, homework, etc. You were glad you went out with her, it was just the breath of fresh air you had been needing these past few weeks. 

Oh, and of course, you’d stolen some glances at the waiter. When he brought back your drinks, he made sure to place yours down first even though Ningning was obviously positioned in front of your water. 

One thing he did that made his interest almost completely obvious was when he leaned down on the table to speak to you when you knew he could hear you just fine as he was merely a few inches away. You wouldn’t say you were flirting back. Although Ningning was urging you to do so, flirting wasn’t something you were familiar with. Why would a guy flirt with you of all people? Especially as your much prettier friend sat across from you. For all you knew, he simply could have wanted a nice tip. You wouldn’t entertain him much, you came to get a break from campus, not to find a fling.

Ningning turned her attention back to you when he walked away to retrieve you both some refills, “He wants you.”

You didn’t respond to her comment, choosing to turn your attention to the last sushi roll instead. You rinsed it down with the last morsel of your water, sighing internally when he came back. 

“One filet mignon for Ms. Lily,” He said, placing down your food, “And a scottish Salad for-”

“Lily?” Ningning laughed, confused at the name he referred to you as.

He looked up at her as he placed her food down, “Lily Flower, in your hair,” He glanced up at you, “It’s cute, by the way.”

You awkwardly nodded, “Thanks…”

He smiled and rubbed his hands together, “Well, I’ll be around. Call me if you guys need anything. I hope you enjoy your food.”

“Will do.” Ningning said, “One thing before you go…” He nodded in acknowledgment, licking his lips. “You single?”

The waiter chuckled, clearly amused by Ningning's boldness. "I am, actually," he replied, his eyes flickering over to you for a moment.

Ningning grinned. "Good to know," she said, winking at him. "We'll keep that in mind."

As he walked away, you couldn't help but feel a little jealous of your friend's flirtatiousness. But deep down, you knew that there was something between you and the waiter, something that went beyond just a passing attraction.

As you ate your meal, you found yourself stealing glances at him, meeting your eyes with his own whenever he walked by, feeling a rush of excitement every time he flashed you a smile. Finally, as the meal came to a close, he brought over the bill and once again flashed you a charming grin. "I hope you enjoyed everything," he said, his eyes sparkling. You couldn't help but smile back, feeling a little shy under his gaze. 

"It was great, thank you," you replied, trying to sound casual, knowing damn well that you were nearly shitting your pants under his intense gaze. 

He nodded, walking away to leave you both to the bill. Ningning shook her head, “If you don’t write your number down on this bill, I’m genuinely never taking you out ever again. This is a threat.”

You couldn't help but laugh at Ningning's threat, feeling a little embarrassed at how obvious your attraction to the waiter had been. But she was right, you knew that you couldn't let this opportunity slip away. As you saw the waiter returning to take the bill, you nervously scribbled down your phone number onto a small napkin, placing it beside the bill. You hoped that he wouldn't notice until you left as you didn’t want to make anything awkward. As he collected the bill, you tried to act casual, but your heart was racing with anticipation. You watched as he glanced down at the paper with your phone number on it, and you couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking. Was he interested in you too? Or was this just wishful thinking on your part?

“Thank you ladies, have a nice night.” He said as you both got up. Ningning nudged you to say something but you urged her out of the restaurant, wanting to abort immediately. However, just before you walked out of the door, you looked back at him once more. You saw that he tucked the paper into his pocket without a word, but then he glanced back at you with a small smile, and you felt a surge of hope. Maybe there was something there after all. 

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼✼　 ҉✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼✼　 ҉ 　✼　

You two made your way into town with the windows down, allowing the breeze to brush through as you listened to the radio. You pointed out a nearby hotel that looked nice, actually. Pool, multiple floors, adequate priced rooms. It wouldn’t hurt to stay for one night in a nice hotel, afterall, you only live once. 

Ningning found a parking spot and you helped her carry her bag in as she made her way to the front to pay for the room. She made small talk in the elevator but you truthfully found yourself checking your phone to see if he had texted. It was already late, nearing 1 am. Surely the restaurant wasn’t open this late. Maybe he only smiled at you out of courtesy, afterall, Ningning had left a nice tip.

As you entered the hotel room, you couldn't help but feel a little disappointed that you hadn't heard from the waiter. Maybe it was a mistake to put yourself out there like that, to give him your number so readily. Maybe he wasn't interested after all.

Ningning caught the look on your face and immediately knew what was going on. "Hey, don't worry about it," she said, giving you a comforting pat on the back. "Maybe he's just busy or something. You'll hear from him soon enough."

You nodded, trying to shake off your disappointment. "Yeah, you're right," you said, forcing a smile. "Let's just enjoy the night." Ningning nodded in agreement, and the two of you settled in for the night, enjoying the comfortable beds and the peace and quiet of the hotel room. 

But as you lay in bed, your mind kept wandering back to the waiter. Amidst all of the doubt you held within your mind, you couldn't help but wonder what he was doing, where he was, and if he was thinking about you too. Maybe it was just wishful thinking, but you couldn't help but feel like there was something there, something that was worth pursuing. 

As you placed your phone down on the nightstand beside you, it vibrated. Your heart dropped, surely…a family member wasn’t texting you at 3 in the morning, right? You took a deep breath, glancing to your side to see Ningning asleep. You reached for your phone, feeling a mix of excitement and nervousness as you saw the notification; An unsaved number. Your heart leapt in your chest as you opened the message, feeling a rush of relief and joy when you saw the text.

+1 424-936-2945: “Hey, lol.”

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼✼　 ҉✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼✼　 ҉ 　✼　

authors note: i hope you guys liked this first part of my ongoing series. i was kinda writing outta my ass. i got this out sooner than i thought i would so, yeah! anyway, let me know how you guys liked it and feel free to send in any thoughts you have. i hope to write this series in you guyses vision, not my own. reblog, likes, and comments are all appreciated haha. lmk if u wanna be tagged in the next chapter.

@voidbeomgyu 

[icypenguin]

To follow up your collage au with lyney

What if the reader had social anxiety and hated people looking at them?

(Totally not speaking from experience)

★~ Lyney headcanons (college au) pt 2

OOOO SURE SURE AND ANON… IT’S OKAY DUDE IT’S RELATABLE🤝🤝🤝 BUT I GENUINELY APOLOGIZE I DIDN’T SEE MY INBOX…. 😞😞😞 I KNOW THIS IS SUPER LATE BUT BETTER LATE THAN NEVER THEY SAY HEHEHE but anyway please enjoyyyy!

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

- you’ll be a bit shocked when he first came by to you, he’s a popular one afterall. but by the way he talked to you as a stranger, it’s not much of a person would do. he was speaking to you calmly with not a loud voice, even better, he told his friends who always follow him to give him some space to talk to you so that you’ll not have a masive anxiety washing over.

- as time passes by, you got to know him better and you both understand eachother a lot more. he would motivate you to try and make friends with other people.

- you may not be that popular to the fact that you have social anxiety, but he doesn’t treat you any different than the others.

- when he first asked you to hangout, you were hesitant to say ‘yes’ knowing that some of his friends would come. nonetheless, he managed to convince you to come. during the hangout, he watched over you and tried to keep you comfy and happy.

- one day, you were assigned to do a presentation with him and some other classmates. at the front of your class, you felt like you were about to give up yet lyney held your hands to assure you that he’s by your side.

- being friends with a popular kid meaning attracting everyone’e attention. that was your biggest fear. when lyney accidentally attracted everyone’s eye on you and him you swear you we’re gonna melt by everyone’s staring eye on you both. with lyney knowing you so well, he ran, holding your hand, leading you to the empty classroom where he made sure you’re alright.

- if someone ever make fun of you, he will always be there to stand up for you. and unlike any other people who just humiliates you by being braver than you are, lyney would teach you everything to incease your bravery and confidence.

~ ficlet ~

the bell finally rang, signaling home time. you were packing your bag and getting ready to exit the classroom when all of the sudden, you felt two taps on your shoulder. as you looked behind, it was lyney masking his face with a warm smile. “hey y/n, me and some of my friends are gonna hangout after this. you wanna come?” he asked with a nice tone. you were taken aback by the question and needed a long time to decide. “hmm.. umm..” you were indecisively thinking wether or not go.. you don’t want to attract anyone’s attention by hanging out with him. but at the same time, you knew that he understands you and perhaps the best time to make friends? you finally said ‘yes’ and lyney lead you the way to meet up with his friends first. his friends greeted him with their special handshake, you were pretty grateful that noone really paid attention to your presence. that’s until one of his friend pointed you out “who’s this, lyney?” you could feel everyone’s eye staring at you. you were starting to fidget with your hand when lyney came closer to you. “oh this is y/n! she’s really kind, we both sit next to each other at class” by the compliment that lyney made, you blushed a bit. everyone started to introduce themselves to you and you shook hands with them as well. “your penguin keychain is so cute, y/n!” emma was really admiring the penguin keychain dangling on your bag. “thankyou..” you tried to make eye contact as best as you can. “where did you get it?” “um.. i think i got it from the mall” “oooh! cute!” emma had a cheerful vibe that you found cheering and somehow gave you a bit of motivation to talk to people.

afterward, you all went to the ice cream shop to chat while having some ice creams. during the walk, you were walking on the back since everyone was talking pretty loudly and it made you a bit nervous. ofcourse, lyney noticed and tried to make a conversation with you, “y/n, are you excited for our camping trip?”. with a shot, you said anything that came up in your head “yeah, i think it’ll be fun since we get to make s’mores!” you felt nice after saying that. “mm i guess you like s’mores too, huh?” lyney chuckled at the end then you nodded as a response. after a few minutes, you all arrived at the ice cream shop. “what are you going to order, y/n?” lyney asked while looking you then at the ice cream flavors. you too, looked at the flavorz “hmm probably classic chocolate” “don’t you want to try this rocky road?” lyney added an idea. “it does look yummy. alright i’ll try that one” you gave lyney a smile “awesome! i’ll get mint choco chips and cookie dough”. you ordered your ice cream in a cone, same for lyney and most of the others.

you decided to sit next to the window while lyney sit infront of you. as the others were talking about random stuffs, you were having a nice conversation with lyney. “is the ice cream good?” he asked, “mhm! this might be my new fav flavor” you were happy you got the rocky road. “i knew it! my recommendation didn’t fail to change your mind, did it?~” he wiggled his eybrows up and down while you giggled at his awfully trully circumstance. “wait y/n did you get rocky road too?” max asked who was sitting besdies lyney. you were scared that if you say ‘yes’ he would be mad you got the same thing as him, but you knew lying will turn things worse. “umm.. yes, i did” you tried to avoid eye contact with anyone. “cool! we got the same flavor! cheers!” your thought was the opposite as max was happy as you both were twinning.

the hangout didn’t go as bad as you expected, you got to know lyney better. most of all, he made you comfortable making a conversation with him and small ones with his friends.

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

thankyou for reading! i hope you all liked this. please i’m so sorry if i hurt any of your feelings if you do have social anxiety by thinking im making fun of you but i swear im not😞 nonetheless, i hope this fanfic makes you better!!! advices are accepted thankyou!

[popbloganddropit]

The Tortured Poets Department - Taylor Swift (Part 2)

9. Guilty as Sin? - you cheeky little minx, Taylor!!! I’m not sure she’s made me blush like this before! A song about…fantasizing outside of your relationship that sounds like the first day warm sun hits your skin after a long, cold winter. And I personally love a song with some good old fashioned yearning, so the bridge really takes it over the top for me. 5/5

Best Line: I really love a lot of lines here, but if “Drowning in the Blue Nile, he sent me ‘Downtown Lights’” is such a killer opener.

10. Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?- this song is an insane, showstopping moment. Edgy, raging, biting, and even still a little witty - “So tell me everything is not about me. But what if it is?” WAOLOM strikes such a good balance of being self-aware of her image and faults with genuine anger. Being the biggest pop star doesn’t make everything just roll off your back. Perfect production that builds and escalates exactly as it needs to. 5/5

Best Line: “I was tame, I was gentle 'til the circus life made me mean. ‘Don't you worry, folks, we took out all her teeth’”

11. I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) - I really like the pseudo-western vibe going on and that lower register is always welcome in my books, but lyrically this doesn’t do a lot for me. It’s building to a punchline we all know is coming. She can’t fix him, shocking, and there’s not enough for me to root for the protagonist being delusional. Ending with just, “Whoa, maybe I can’t” is funny, but it’s not satisfying. If a common complaint is that this album is too long, this song doesn’t feel essential, story-wise. 2.5/5

Best Line: I said all of that, but I do really like the second verse, the best part being, “His hand so calloused from his pistol/Softly traces hearts on my face”.

12. loml- I had a really hard time picking a best line for this song. I almost made a list but decided that would be a little obnoxious. There’s references to her other work expertly weaved in to really great wordplay and metaphors and imagery. The development of the story in the three times you hear the chorus is stunningly good. It’s a pretty simple piano in the background with additional vocal layers right where they are needed for emphasis. There’s something a little bit missing from this song for me to give it a full 5, but I can’t quite put my finger on it and I also think loml really is a grower that’s not meant to be gobbled down in one bite. There’s a lot of lyrical details to be noticed and anything additional might take away from that. I vote this song most likely to be my favorite in 6 months that I don’t understand how it took so long to fully click. 4.5/5

Best Line: I had to do two, from the very beginning and end, that echo each other so it’s kind of like I only picked one then, right??? “Who's gonna stop us from waltzing back into rekindled flames if we know the steps anyway?” —-> “Our field of dreams, engulfed in fire. Your arson's match your somber eyes” Kill me (complimentary). The never before, never since turning into never before and ever since is also brilliant.

13. I Can Do It With a Broken Heart - This song is great. There’s a long history of Miss Swift making bops tinged with depression and anxiety and this may be her most unhinged version yet. A celebration of putting on a brave face when you’re going through some shit. Chanted like a mantra she tells herself, we get a peek behind the curtain of reaching glittering professional peaks not seen in this generation while her personal life was crashing. But no one can ever say Taylor Swift is not a professional - I love the delivery on the outro where she laughs off being miserable and ends with a little spoken zinger. Try and come for her job, indeed. 5/5

Best Line: “I’m so depressed, I act like it’s my birthday everyday. I’m so obsessed with him, but he avoids me like the plague,” tickles me so. This her comedy album. Inevitably going to go viral on Tik Tok at some point.

14. The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived - An absolutely killer bridge. It builds the drama up until the very end. Unfortunately, the verses could use a little stronger melody, the first half of the song is a little forgettable and feels a little clunky. 3/5

Best Line: “You kicked out the stage lights, but you’re still performing” is a close runner up but had to go with the opening of the bridge. “Were you sent by someone who wanted me dead?” is such a perfect escalation and so descriptive of a feeling without saying any feeling words.

15. The Alchemy- I really enjoy some parts of this song but I unfortunately have the desire to hire someone to dub over every single football reference so I can fully get into it. It’s too much, it’s too on the nose. I like the verses, I love the way she says, “I haven’t come around in so long,” and I think “who are we to fight the alchemy?” is a great line. There are just parts that feel like football Mad Libs in a way that makes this song pretty unlistenable to me. 1/5

Best Line: “This happens once every few lifetimes. These chemicals hit me like white wine”

16. Clara Bow - She’s known for writing about relationships and that has let the fact that songs about her relationship with fame are consistently top tier (despite being unrelatable to almost anyone since she is the most famous person on the planet) slip by mostly unnoticed. One of my favorite Taylor tricks is when she alters the lines a bit each go-round and/or flips the script in some way in the final chorus and this song is really an excellent combination of some of the best Taylor moves. I’m not going to pretend have known who Clara Bow was before this record, but it works and I don’t mind an album that makes me do a little Googling to understand some things. The Stevie Nicks reference is perfection. Saying her own name in a song really snaps you to attention. And I think this is a perfect album closer. She’s reckoning just as much with her own desire for notoriety and the consequences that go along with it as she is with former lovers, if you’re listening. 5/5

Best Line: “Crowd goes wild at her fingertip. Half moonshine, a full eclipse.” I’m not even sure I should include the first part. “Half moonshine, full eclipse” is one of my favorite things she’s ever written. (Side note as this is the most appropriate place to put it: the fucking personal poem from Stevie in the liner notes??? Stevie being a loud YOYO,K stan??? I weep at the coolness. Which is the opposite of cool and continuing to comment on it is even worse, sorry!)

Part 3 on the way!!!

[catboymoments]

hello!! out of curiousity, do u have any voice headcanons for the nextgen kids?

OKAY SO last time this question was asked I didn’t have answers but now I have a few!!! It’s been a bit of a struggle to find voices for some of my guys but I do have ideas on their voice profiles so I’m open to suggestions on who would be good…

Azura- I’ve really fallen in love with the concept of AJ Michalka (Stevonnie, Catra spop) being her voice- I think Azura would have a scrappy cute voice that’s still unique to her that fits in with her family, and it would be very cute to have a VA who’s iconic for voicing queer cartoon characters be the voice for the kid of two of the biggest history makers in Disney…. Shes so cute

Bronwyn- Bronwyn at her core is a musician and her struggles with anxiety and panic disorders are a huge part of her character- I feel like her voice would be that of someone who could connect with her and play a soft voiced “mature” girl with a passion for singing and songwriting, so I settled on her being voiced by Mitski, the singer we all know and love. I think she would be able to bring a lot of life to her.

Juno- Juno being a trans girl is very important to her character and I would want a transfem to voice her, but when there’s transfem characters in media they’re almost always portrayed with higher “passable” voices from what I’ve seen. I want her voice to be a little deeper to represent girls who have those voices, and I think her sense of style and humor would come through well with iamblizzymcguire/blizzabella, A transfem nyc based comedian and model who I love. She’s so unique and sillay and I adore her

Now!!! Voice profiles for the guys I don’t have specific ideas for!

Hyacinth- at first I thought of him being voiced by Alex Lawther who plays younger Philip in canon, but he’s 1) British and 2) his voice is a bit more mature than I would like. Part of Hyacinth and how he differs from Philip is that he’s a lot smaller, and while I wanna have a voice for him that’s still in that “tenor range head voice that’s very in the nose and has a soft cadence,” I don’t think Lawther could do that. I would want someone similar and who isn’t British so I could imagine it better…

Mittens- I think mittens would have a tiny voice that’s also more masc, not so much scratchy and raspy but like. Little guy. Y feel me

Calcifer- honestly I’m not sure how to describe what I hear for them- they give me a vibe of a very cute and polite little kid who’s able to get Sillay???? They’re excitable and they tend to infodump………

Bramble- at first I thought I had a voice for him- that voice being Andrew Kishino who voices the character his design is based off of (Kevin from Steven universe) but Kish’s voice is way too mature for an angsty 14 year old trans boy. I do want his voice to be on the deeper and softer side with a good amount of sass though.

Briar- I don’t really know what to do for her since she’s still kinda new ….

[ochrearia]

Welcome to I use promises of RGBFverse drabbles to convince Keyy and Karl to finish their BF refs. Keyy did it so this was the result LEL

BFs in this drabble: fc!BF (Boyf, Keyy's), Yourself

“So… you been doing well lately?” Jesus christ, how was he being awkward with his literal self? Every time one of them came to visit his mysterious and intimidating front only crumbled more. But what the fuck was YS supposed to say? Out of all of them he felt like he’d talked to Boyf the least. And it was still begrudgingly anxiety-inducing to talk to him after that one issue. It didn’t feel very fair, the other had done his best to apologize. YS was trying his best not to be so nervous. Guilt still liked to taunt him though.

“I didn’t take you for the kind of guy to try too hard. That’s what my Pico is for.” Boyf thought teasingly, looking at him with a smirk. “Yeah, better than when you’d first popped up in my mirror at least. Still a lot of things to work on. But, better.”

“That’s good then.” YS replied, rubbing his thumbs over each other awkwardly. Fuck, he really was trying too hard, and it was painfully obvious. So much for giving the vibe he knew everything. None of them were going to respect him when he was acting like a bumbling idiot. “Sorry, not really sure how to hold a conversation when I’m not giving out advice.”

“Well that’s obvious. Most of us aren’t extroverts anyways. Talking isn’t really my thing either. You can hear why.”

YS sighed, rubbing his arm with a hand. Embarrassing and nervous. Was this really what these idiots reduced him to? He used to be commanding and tough. Scaring people into listening to him. Who the fuck was going to listen to an awkward and anxious slenderman wannabe?

“Dude, you’re thinking so hard I can hear the sparks flying out of your skull. Chill out, I don’t bite! Well, I don’t bite mostly. Different story for a person named Pico.” Boyf grinned, seemingly elated that Yourself was almost scared of him.

YS narrowed his eyes, knowing he was being messed with and there was little he could do to contest it. It wasn’t often that he found himself wordless but one of the biggest situations he’d had while the other BFs were around involved him going completely nonverbal in the first place. Maybe he just didn’t want to mess up again. It wasn’t easy to undo the ideas a toxic thought could put into your head. Always in the back of his mind, that being around the others was only hurting them. Being originally rejected by your own selves had to be an entire can of worms he was going to have to unpack eventually…

A frown settled on Boyf’s face as YS continued to think in silence. He turned to face his body properly in the taller’s direction, tilting his head a little before extending his arms after a few seconds. “Come here you dumbass.”

Yourself blanched. “Uh- huh? Why?”

“Because I am not as stupid as everyone thinks and I can recognize the fallout of my bad choices. You’re still nervous around me because of what I said and I don’t want that anymore. I’m showing you it’s okay. Now get over here.”

YS’s skin prickled with regret at the first sentence, remembering with a static shock that that was another thing with this instance. Still accidentally hurting them even if it was mild. Though since when did he have such a high standard, believing he had to be absolutely perfect? Oh right, after she’d-

He was pulled into a hug. He’d taken too long to respond, again. He tended to do that lately, so lost in thought with things out of his control. Boyf was determined though, choosing. Making his own decisions. Good for him. Though it was still puzzling for YS as to why Boyf was choosing to forgive him, considering he hadn’t even forgiven himself for still existing.

“I know the magic used to let me hear your thoughts is gone this time, and you’re just using the magic you have to hear me. But I can take a guess as to what you’re thinking right now. Shut up, by the way. I don’t care about your ‘advice’ on how to handle my opinion of you. Mainly because it’s fake. You clearly still think I hate you when I never actually did.” Boyf continued, wrapping his arms around the other’s back tightly. “Obviously an apology wasn’t enough to convince you. I get that, I see more value in actions too. Saying something is one thing, especially if the person saying it doesn’t change their actions. Goes both ways.”

Yourself sighed. “When did you idiots get so smart?”

“None of us are smart. We just know each other because we are each other.”

Well, he couldn’t exactly argue with that. YS let himself succumb to the hug, returning the sentiment of wrapping his arms around Boyf’s back. Warm- oh, stop it brain. What the hell was his deal? He really was getting incredibly soft and it was the fault of his other selves. But… ah, there was just something so nice about hugs. Getting them and giving them too. He let himself tighten his grip slightly, leaning his face into the other’s shoulder. Hah, at least this instance wasn’t completely short. Still shorter than him but not as much as some of the others. He wouldn’t have to break his neck to lean in closer.

“Has anyone told you that you give really good hugs, actually?” Boyf thought out suddenly, leaning heavily into the hug as if he hadn’t been the one instigating it. “I was supposed to be comforting you, why can I only think to get closer? This is some weird magic shit isn’t it?”

“I sure hope not.” YS blurted honestly. “I don’t want people to like me because of magical persuasion. Almost as devastating to me as doing damage when I just want to help…”

“I won’t joke about that again.” Boyf decided on the spot. “You commit to remembering the things that make me uncomfortable. It’s clear that being rejected and liked for invalid reasons is something that makes you uncomfortable. Got it.”

“Talk about trying too hard.” YS deflected, which probably wasn’t the greatest choice of response. Nothing about this was what he was used to. People, caring about him? He was built to care about people. “But… thank you. I’m not used to this.”

“We’ve all turned into a weird family of self-brothers, dude, none of us are used to this. Dumbass move to insist you’d have to know everything.” Boyf insisted knowingly.

“Alright, all of you have gotten too comfortable with calling me a dumbass, I should've put my foot down before this got out of hand.” YS grumbled, but it was instead playful. “I should push you right back through that damn mirror myself.”

“Hey! That’s not very nice.” Boyf replied indignantly. “You wouldn’t actually, would you? I kind of want to keep this hug going for a bit longer…”

YS snorted, gently shaking his head. “Nah, I wouldn’t.” He punctuated his promise with letting his arms get a little tighter.

[taking-thyme]

My experiences with my Deities so far

Apollo: I’ve found that Apollo just likes to show up and sit with you places. It’s his way of checking in on you. One of my friends actually did a tarot and pendulum reading for me and Apollo apparently recognized me as one of his children which, like, holy shit dude. But seriously, Apollo is super loving. He’s always just kind of around, either because you feel his energy or you see crows and ravens basically everywhere. He also has a very protective energy, I feel like he would get super mad if any of his devotees are mistreated, which definitely fits with his myths. It’s super cliché but the only way to describe how you feel with connecting with him is sunny. My body feels a lot lighter and almost like it’s glowing, and I feel more at peace. This applies to most deities, but you really get the sense with Apollo that he wants you to feel good and he’ll do whatever he can to make that happen. Also he’s fuckin gorgeous. And he really likes apples for offerings, he always asks for them. 

Artemis: Artemis has such a cool energy. I feel like she’s that badass older sister that leans against walls and gives really damn good advice. When I connect with Artemis I just feel way cooler than before, like I can take on anything. Like I could fight any man and win. But don’t get me wrong, she definitely has a softer side. She’s adamant about me taking care of myself and doesn’t want anything bad to happen to me. I deal with a lot of terrible anxiety, and she’s always super reassuring that nothing will happen to me and if it does, she will smite something. Artemis gives me confidence. I also feel really called to help wildlife when I connect with her, which is fitting of course. She has some of the most protective energy out of all my deities - they all love and protect me of course, but Artemis is the most adamant about it. Probably because she knows that helps with my anxiety. I don’t know man, she’s just so badass and supportive and reassuring. She also likes apples. I also get the vibes that the Greek Gods can be a little more vague with their answers than the Norse or Celtic pantheons, but not in a bad way, just in a “you need to figure this out yourself” way, which I can respect and appreciate. 

Cernunnos: Has an incredibly wise and ancient energy. I've found he's very clear with what he wants during tarot readings, he will tell you exactly what you need to work on and do. Cernunnos is also very adamant about self care, probably because I don't do it enough, oops. He has this rule where, if you take something from the earth, you must give something back. Like when you pluck a flower, say thank you or water the ground where it stood. It takes a bit to get into the swing of doing that but you'll have such a better relationship with the land once you do. Whenever I connect with him I feel so much calmer and level-headed than usual. He's also very insistent that I meditate more often. 

(He wanted me to use this picture lmao I love him)

Thor: 100% the deity I feel most casual with. Every time I make an offering or connect with him, I immediately feel so much more chill and laid back. We make jokes with each other a lot. Also he's the biggest hype man of my entire life. If there's a major life event going on, he will send a storm or some thunder to let you know he's with you. At my High School graduation there was a lightning storm in the distance and on my last day of school he sent me a truly apocalyptic looking storm to show his support. Also, and I don’t know if this is just me, but Thor is also a massive flirt. He will compliment you and likes to be flattered right back. That seems to be a running trend with the Norse gods, they like being flattered. But they, and especially Thor, absolutely return the favor.

[mostremote]

@traveling-khajiit: How quickly do you realize that chapter needs a rewrite? Is it easy for you to make those decisions of what to throw out/change?

Well, I am an extremely messy writer. I almost never sit down to write a chapter beginning to end. I write scenes, moments, snatches of conversation, then develop them out. This means that I do sometimes end up writing several different versions of the same scene and have to combine or delete them. Not very efficient but that is just how my brain works. Final drafts are all about the vibe and rhythm and atmosphere and I cut what jars. Most of the stuff that gets cut that I like ends up somewhere else in the story.

There are some scenes that never made it in anywhere. Here's some extracts from those.

In "Bombs", there was originally a scene with them talking in the rose garden. But it just repeated the beats of what they discuss later, when he gives her the knife, so I didn't keep it.

There was a scene where Snow hosts a dinner party and the guy Katniss is chatting with thinks she's basically a sex worker and grabs her thigh, and Katniss stabs him with a fork. That was fun, but it didn't accomplish much that "Killings" didn't already accomplish, and it was hard to imagine anyone would be stupid enough at that point to grab the thigh of the president's wife.

The mayor of District 2 puts his hand on her thigh. Katniss has two thoughts. The first thought is: Only Snow touches me like that. The second thought is: The forks are the closest weapon. She doesn’t think about the rest. It’s pure instinct to reach out, grab a little fork, and drive it with all the force she possesses into the man’s large, spider-body hand. And then he’s screaming, and everybody is looking at them: first in alarm, then in confusion. ‘You bitch!’ shouts the man. ‘You fucking stabbed me! You crazy bitch!’ All eyes are now on Katniss. She regards them with the same coolness she has watched Snow employ a thousand times. ‘He put his hand on my thigh,’ she says; and then, in case this is not sufficient, she clarifies: ‘Only my husband is allowed to do that.’

There was a scene where they ate breakfast together and Katniss was in full dissociation mode. (I remember having my biggest anxiety attack writing that one.)

Pancakes again. Katniss turns them over with her fork, over and over. They’re always making her pancakes. Is it because they know her mother made them? Is it to try to make her feel better, remind her of home? Or hurt her? Make her miss what she can’t have? She cuts them into little pieces and makes towers. She builds the town hall of District 12 and the square, and she smiles as she makes the street with the bakery. She imagines Peeta, coming and going from the little pancake house. He would think it was funny to live in a pancake.

Sulla dress scene was funny:

She turns her back to Snow. ‘Unzip me?’ ‘What? No.’ The refusal comes too fast. There is that edge of discomfort in his voice that even at his most guarded he is unable to suppress. Katniss keeps smiling. She shrugs. ‘Okay.’ She opens the hovercraft door and sticks out her head. ‘Sulla?’ she calls. Snow sits and watches and does an admirable job concealing whatever he’s feeling as his head of security appears at the doorframe. ‘Ma’am?’ Katniss presents him with her back. ‘Sulla, would you unzip my dress?’ There is a moment of silence which must surely be the most uncomfortable of Sulla’s life as he tries to process this request and analyze the situation. Snow gives a sharp sigh. ‘Get out, Sulla.’ Obviously relieved, Sulla nods his curt goodbye and leaves rather more quickly than he entered. Katniss smiles. She waits expectantly as Snow comes to stand behind her. She can feel his breath on the back of her neck, she can smell him. She feels a shift in the fabric as Snow pinches it, finding the zip, trying not to touch any other part of her back. ‘You don’t like other men touching me, do you?’ ‘Not particularly.’ ‘Why?’ She hears the sing of the zip and feels the pressure of her dress freeing her, and then she feels Snow’s presence retract. She turns and sees him sit again, keeping away from her, as though air and distance will be sufficient to cure the terrible cancer brewing between them. ‘You’re my wife. It’s not seemly for other men to touch you.’ His voice is absolutely immaculate.

And I also cut a lot of sexual stuff, Katniss masturbating, Katniss harassing Snow, them having to make out for the cameras, Katniss dressing very provocatively, lots of stuff. I didn't want it to get gratuitous though so lots of that got cut.

[its-just-raven]

Incorrect Restart Heart Quotes:

Warning! Some of these might be inconsistent lmao but I tried my hardest😁! Also this is a 18+ game so even though none of this is explicitly nsfw, minors BEGONE

MC/Sugar:

MC: I’m going to defeat you with the power of friendship! ... And this knife I found.

-

MC: So apparently the 'bad vibes' I’ve been feeling are actually severe psychological distress

-

MC: BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!

-

MC: With great power comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.

-

MC: Not trying to brag or anything, but I can wake up without an alarm clock now simply due to my crippling and overwhelming anxiety, so...

-

MC: Well, well, well... if it isn’t my old friend: the dawning realization that I fucked up bad.

-

MC: You wanna see how hardcore I am?
MC: *punches wall*
MC:
MC: Take me to the hospital.

Ezra:

Ezra: People are always asking me if I'm a morning person or a night person. 
Ezra: And I'm just like, 'Buddy! I'm barely even a PERSON!'

-

MC: Can we watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl?
Ezra: Yeah sure.
MC: -And make out during the scary parts.
Ezra: Th-
Ezra: The scary parts.

Ezra: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Blaire:

Blaire: If you can’t beat them, dress better than them

-

Blaire: When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is, having a look around the room and saying 'Haven’t decided yet' is typically a good response.

-

Blaire: 'Person of interest' is almost too flattering. 
Person A: Like, if the police were to pound on my door and go, 'A man has been murdered in your building and you are a person of interest,' I'd be like, 'Moi? Oh, do go on.'

-

MC: Okay, truth or dare?
Blaire: Truth
MC: How many hours have you slept this week?
Blaire:
Blaire: ...Dare
MC: Go to bed.
Blaire: I don’t like this game.

Sammy:

Sammy: So apparently the 'bad vibes' I’ve been feeling are actually severe psychological distress

-

MC: That’s one of my biggest fears. Like, if I ever woke up as a donut...
Sammy: You would eat yourself?
MC: I wouldn’t even question it.

-

Ezra: Don’t worry, I have a few knives up my sleeve.
Sammy: I think you mean cards.
Ezra, pulling knives out of their sleeves: No, I do not.

Steph:

(I could see this going either way tbh)

MC: I actually have a black belt.
Steph: In what, karate?
MC: No, from Gucci.

Chris:

Chris: You know how I roll. 
Chris: And I’m not talking about that time I fell into a pile of dung at the foot of a hill.

-

MC: Three words. Say them and I'm yours.
Chris: Three words.
MC:

-

Chris: WHAT’S YOUR TYPE 
MC: Anything, honestly, but nerds especially 
Chris, desperately, as MC bleeds out: YOUR BLOOD TYPE 
MC: Oh! B positive. 
Chris: DONT TRY TO CHEER ME UP JUST TELL ME YOUR BLOOD TYPE 
MC:

Bess:

Bess, going over MCs's resume: Okay, so right here, it states that you’re creative.
MC: Yes
Bess: Okay... may I know what you create?
MC, without missing a beat: Problems.

-

Bess: What is your biggest weakness?
MC: I can be uncooperative.
Bess: Okay, can you give me an example?
MC: No.

Kenneth:

Kenneth: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.

Sarah:

Sarah: You saved me. I owe you my life.
Kenneth: No thanks. I’ve seen it and I’m not very impressed.

-

Kenneth: Is something burning?
Sarah: Just my love for you.
Kenneth: Sarah, the toaster is on fire.

-

Kenneth, trying to make MC jealous: Sarah and I have the kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's- 
Sarah: Sentences. 
Kenneth: Don't interrupt me.

Bonus! Eliana

Eliana: Goodnight moon.
Eliana: Goodnight tree.
Eliana: Goodnight ghosts that only I can see.

Ezra: ???

[harufallinwonderland]

I’m feeling bored A bit silly so here is my opinion on what your fav precure Main character says about you (disclaimer I am not saying this is 100% true this is stupid fun I got from fun YouTube videos don’t take this to heart and none of them are meant to be insulting)

Nagisa/Cure black: your deffo A tomboy STAN u either are very athletic like her or absolutely HATE sports but u find her interesting and fun and u are A sucker for A good “extrovert that’s A bit shy sometimes” u think precure reached peak Main character back in 2004 and u either think everything else is trash or u still enjoy it as it’s the legacy that Nagisa (and Honoka) created u just still very much prefer the original mains (also high likely hood that Honoka is RIGHT next to Nagisa in your rankings)

Saki/Cure Bloom: your probably A Nagisa lover who turned into A saki lover when u watched Splash star while u prob still love Nagisa u feel like they perfected the sporty girl with Saki which honestly fair you also prob LOVE older shows I don’t have A reason just kinda give off the vibe (also like the Nagisa and Honoka one u prob have Mai right next to Saki in your rankings)

Nozomi/Cure dream: U probably relate to her problems ALOT don’t ya? Horrible at school work?,no idea what you truly want to do with your life? Trying to take other people’s goals as your own to help you feel like you’re doing something with your life? Don’t worry your A mood like her and I wish you luck you got this also your might be the 2% of people (in America let’s ingore the Jp fandom) who genuinely like Nozococo (shame on you) or your like a lot of other people and despise it with your very being.

Love/Cure peach: (tbh I was struggling on this one so it’s kinda me reaching with this) you are the biggest lover of characters who has so much faith in one character and is willing to go through absolute hell for them and Love and Setsuna is your fav duo in precure you think Setsuna’s redemption arc is peak fiction you will vouch for this girl to the end of the world and you will make sure everyone hears

Tsubomi/Cure blossom: you have A anxiety disorder don’t you? You love yourself A good “shy girl become cool as fuck” character arc but you also love how she still keeps her compassion for others but knows when to step her foot to the ground everytime she gets someone to listen to her instead of treating her like A doormat you will go rabid and while the classic energetic spunky girl may be cool you appreciate Precure making A shy girl A main character (u prob feel seen don’t ya?) also you are in the Tsubomi and Miyuki split and I will explain in Miyuki’s portion

Hibiki/Cure Melody: if you hear someone say Splash star is the most forgotten season of precure your prob gonna snap I’m guessing u just want to yap about it but so much of the time someone getting into Precure forget it exists you want them to see how fun the show it but they always find something else to watch and it makes you wanna scream (totally not based on one of my moots who is A suite lover)

Miyuki/Cure Happy: here we encounter the Tsubomi and Miyuki path split where you either are A shy girl who constantly gets spoken over and not acknowledged by people outside of your close friends (Tsubomi path) or u pretend to be confident to mask how your truely feel (aka Miyuki) if you are shy person who loves shy characters u are either one of these two

(Adding another paragraph for Miyuki cause I hardly talked about Miyuki herself) to you she such A silly little gal you are one of the many people who would fist fight for this girl she brings your ultra happy in A way no other character could and you prob rewatch smile like A addict when your even slightly sad

Mana/Cure heart: You will defend her from the Mary sue allegations WITH YOUR LIFE you love yourself A magical girl MC that’s is able to handle herself she is isn’t clumsy if she wants or needs something she gonna get it and you know she will she may be brash but she can back it up with sheer competence and even when she struggles you respect her for being able to pull herself together and say “welp it was nice cry anyway let’s kick his ass!”

Megumi/Cure Lovely; in the trenches defending happiness charge most overhated season by far to you able to see the the gem in this show and Megumi despite being A lead that tends to be on the lower end of people fav mcs you will love till the end of time and you were prob screaming at the top of your lungs with her final transformation in the last episode (another hard one since I don’t have much thoughts on her but genuine respect to people who love her)

Haruka/Cure Flora: First off you had A princess phase where it was wanting to be one who just liking them u had A princess phase anyway you love A girl who runs headfirst into her goals u either relate to her and take her motivation to move forward to your real world studies/work or u wish u could be like her also u just think she is really cool u watched go princess precure and u were changed as A person

Mirai/Cure miracle: obvious guess is obvious your either A witch, gay, or both you just love her and Liko’s adventures of being moms to Moforun and Ha-Chan and you deffo cried on the second to last episode you love A girl who is willing to go through it for her family and also love her curious nature which started the whole plot also u prob wish you could have what she and Liko have (also like the first two precure leads u prob have Liko right with Mirai in your favs list)

Ichika/Cure whip: you have the desire to block people who think Ichika isn’t much of A character and u refuse to touch Precure Reddit cause of how much shit they talk about Kira Kira (honestly u should avoid the precure Reddit for many other reasons too or Reddit in general) she is YOUR silly little guy who you just want to squish cause she is JUST SO CUTE and you either are Great at baking or A sweets lover but suck at baking no in between

Hana/Cure yell (imma admit A BIT of projection from me as she is my fav ngl): the final episode made you cry and you truly love the journey she went through and she has affected you in some way,shape or form you relate to her backstory A concerning amount but seeing her be able to come out of that situation A better person than she was much before always brings A smile to your face (also if she ever cheered for you imma guess u would prob start crying)

Hikaru/Cure Star: Sometimes when A character is so silly they just capture you with A hand gripped around your heart you love seeing her making friends with anything she sees and her imagination captures your love more. you also prob adore her mom and love seeing how every bit of her life truly led to her becoming every bit of accepting,loving, and imaginative person she is also your mentally unwell about Lala as well

Nodoka/Cure Grace: you only want the worse for Daruizan you don’t care if he is not badly written you want him dead, your fav type of healin good fanart is ones where Nodoka kicks the ever living shit out of Daruizan, you have gotten the urge to make some people in your life watch healin good because of the lesson of “don’t help the people who hurt you again and again”, you have blocked someone cause they said Nodoka should have helped Daruizan and said she was in the wrong (mood)

Manatsu/Cure summer: you love how she really seems like she do be on crack and you just love how silly she is pure vibes with her as you just love watching her kinda like Miyuki she just makes you super happy and you truly want to see Manatsu drink coffee just to see what type of shit she would get herself into she could prob best goku

Yui/Cure Precious: A defender till the day you die she just A girl who loves eating food and you will fight to her defense your cuteness aggression makes you want to eat her like A riceball

Sora/Cure sky: your fav color is probably blue, you love yourself A hero who can do cool shit even before becoming A cure, you adore Mashiro A totally not normal amount as well, unhinged for those two if you talk about Sora at some point u will gush bout Mashiro for A bit, she just really good such A true hero

Komugi/Cure Wonderful: dog owner and lover (you probably have attachment and abandonment issues like her don’t you?)

[nickeverdeen]

Can you do a match up for me (TUA/TSA)?

(Sorry if this is super long. I love to overshare and spill everything about myself to strangers on the Internet. Also idk where to put it but I'm a mix of Genderfluid and Agender, and use They/He)

Physical appearance: weirdly wavy medium length dark brown hair w/ shaved bits on the front sides, dark brown eyes, pale-ish skin (like you can see my veins *very* clearly in some spots) with acne scars on most parts of my body

Main aesthetic/vibe: dark academia mixed with stoner friend (like t-shirts that say "Sorry Queen! I only date crack sluts" in mismatched text colours used like a sweater vest for a honestly professional outfit)

Personality: Outwardly chill, go-with-the-flow, unattached, because of years of trauma and conditioning to not need/ask for anything. Inwardly clingy, in need of some semblance of routine (like two tasks have a specific order, or a weekly event can't be on a different day)

Extra notes: "low-maintenance" Autistic (I could go into GREAT detail why I dislike people calling me that, but TL;WT (too long; won't tell), it's not a low maintenance thing for me), sometimes I will completely space out and not listen while mentally trying to get myself to listen, I like to doodle (blobby cats and underdetailed eyes are my absolute favorites)

(Again. Super sorry if it's too long! Also may I be 🍿 anon (if the emoji doesn't work, it supposed to be popcorn))

Hey, it’s okay if it’s a bit longer I don’t mind at all! And I’m sorry that it’s this short. And ofc you can be 🍿 annon! Love the idea of it

————————————————————

Your TUA match is…

Klaus Hargreeves

Klaus is initially drawn to your unique appearance and style, finding your dark academia mixed with stoner aesthetic intriguing and refreshing

You share a love for quirky t-shirts and he often exchanges humorous ones as gifts

Klaus admires your outwardly chill demeanor but quickly realizes there’s more to you beneath the surface

You bond over your shared love for horror podcasts, spending lazy afternoons listening to your and his favorite episodes together

Despite your outwardly unattached nature, Klaus senses your inward clinginess and makes an effort to provide stability and routine in the relationship

Klaus is patient and understanding when you space out or get lost in your thoughts, knowing it’s a part of your amazing nature

You might enjoy doodling together, often creating whimsical drawings of blobby cats and abstract designs

He’s terrible at drawing btw

Klaus is fascinated by your underdetailed eye doodles and encourages you to explore your artistic talents further

You have a mutual love for music and often introduce each other to new songs and artists

Klaus surprises you with impromptu dance parties in the living room, bringing joy and laughter to the relationship

You might bond over your shared experiences of trauma and find solace in each other’s understanding and support

Klaus helps you navigate social situations and provides comfort during overwhelming moments

Klaus encourages you to embrace your genderfluid and agender identity, creating a safe and accepting space for you to express yourself

You have a playful banter and enjoy teasing each other in a lighthearted manner

Klaus is protective of you and always stands up for you when others make insensitive comments about you

Klaus surprises you with thoughtful gifts that show he pays attention to your interests and preferences

Klaus introduces you to his unconventional family, and you quickly bond with other Hargreeves siblings

You share a love for reading and often spend quiet evenings curled up together with your favorite books

Klaus is your biggest cheerleader and encourages you to pursue your passions and dreams

You have a mutual love for animals and often volunteer together at animal shelters or wildlife sanctuaries

Klaus is your rock if you ever have panic attacks or moments of anxiety, offering comfort and reassurance

You might enjoy cooking together and often experiment with new recipes and cuisines

Klaus is your confidant and trusted advisor, offering sage advice and guidance whenever you face challenges

Klaus loves to kiss you on the cheek, but mainly lips and giving you hugs

Your TSA match is…

Alphonso Hargreeves

Alphonso himself is sorta insecure about how he looks

He fakes so much self-confidence in front of you

If you’re ever even a little bit insecure about the way you look be prepared to be given tons of compliments

He finds your choice of clothesing funny

In the good way

He actually likes it, but wouldn’t wear anything like that as he prefers the more casual clothes

Alphonoso may not look like it, but he actually likes your dark academy aesthic

Steals buys you books or pretty much anything, but won’t tell you he stole it

He couldn’t mind less about you having autism or spacing out

Sometimes Alphonso himself spaces out for some time

Seeing you doodle cute things he tried it few times too, but it wasn’t as good as yours

But he still tried and asked for your opinion

Alphonso likes your chill and go-with-the-flow behaivor and even when there’s a fight going on between someone he might just sit down next to you and offer you some food

In all honesty he’d do his best to hide his excitment during listening to your horror potcasts with you

He wants you to be happy

Alphonose just like Klaus makes an effort to create stability and routine in your relationship

He’s very indecisive about practically everything

Blue or white socks? He has no idea and might spend good 30 minutes trying to pick one out

So it’s either you or Jayme helping him with this one

He might not show a lot of affection, but his feelings for you are serious and valid as hell

Don’t ever doubt it

Alphonso may try to make a deal with you that you’d go and seek help about your trauma to someone professional

But if that would be too uncomfortable he’d stop and understand as he respects your boundaries

Alphonso would wait some time before introducing you to anyone from his family

Jayme would be the first one, though

They may have some comments about his reputation, but Alphonso is quick to defend you and himself

Whenever there’s an argument he might cover your ears if that’d help??

I mean this man has no idea how to comfort people or to know if the individual even needs comfort

He’s not really into PDA, but will hold your hand

But in private…

[flippinwhippen]

@clownattack

You already know who this is, so I’m not going to bother and introduce myself.

I’m going to say this one more time and see if it gets through to you, because honestly the spectacle of this last stunt was… well. I always thought the username clownattack was a joke, but you do seem very determined to prove me wrong.

Also you and NJ need to have a genuine conversation, because, might I remind you, she doesn’t like her conversations being posted in public areas. This was a whole conversation that the two of you had, I should know I facilitated it and helped her gather up the courage to tell you her damn feelings on it.

I really don’t give a shit about the rest of what was in that folder. I looked through it, and I’m not sure it’s nearly as damning as you think it is. It’s also, as K would say, cherry picked to hell but that at least I expected.

That is what I’ve come to expect from you.

 I mostly just care that you put NJ’s words up somewhere were she doesn’t want them, so take them down. The rest, fine, do what you will. It’s a shitty thing to do, but once again, it would be very onbrand for you to take an argument taken out of context and pass it around for outside parties to look at so… I won’t lie to you and say I’m surprised.

But that’s not what I’ve come here to say.

Here it is, one more time – the thing that I have already said repeatedly to you, the thing you have made sure didn’t surface in any of those DM’s that you have tucked away nice and tidy in your Google Drive Doc.

I never said I was innocent in this, I just said I was hurt, and there is a difference.

So let’s start with what I did, because yes, yes I did do things that I shouldn’t have and I have already made abundantly clear to you I regret.

Yes, I got passive aggressive with you and yes, it wasn’t fair and I should have told you from the beginning you were making me uncomfortable. This was, and remains, my biggest mistake – failing to communicate my feelings in a timely manner before I found myself trapped by circumstance and general anxiety about how everything might crumble if I said something.

Believe it or not, I subscribe pretty heavily to the motto, just let people have fun. The trouble is, when it’s my things they’re having fun with that no longer fully stands. I made a bad assumption here, I assumed that you would know when you’d taken it too far.

I was wrong, because you took it too far so many times. My normal tricks to try and shift the conversation never worked with you, and we’d always end up back where we started and right back in my discomfort zone no matter how many times I did this. Normally, I would have ghosted you a lot earlier, as I tend to do when I am no longer vibing with a conversation, but this wasn’t just a simple one on one chat, this was a server.

A server that you’d built for me… kinda.

And I felt bad, I felt like I owed you for that, cause it was such a nice gesture and so sweet – and so I just kept letting myself get pushed further and further back into discomfort, attempting to keep the conversations civil as my own mental state degraded.

When this finally all blew up, I was not at my best. I was unmedicated, and already stressed due to other circumstances, and all I’d known was you’d been gone from the server for a long time, and when I’d asked N about you were staying away from it to ‘discipline me’, something I took exception to considering the reason I’d wanted to check up on you was because I was worried.

At that point, for all my frustrations with you, I still very much considered you a friend.

Then everything hit the roof. The first conversation we had, me unmedicated, you fresh off the hurt train – it was nothing more than a whole lot of furious words tossed back and forth. Everyone was angry, everyone was stressed, and everyone felt like they had been wronged. I, at that point, was in my full defensive curl, and mostly just needed people to get away from me so I could properly blow up on my own time.

Also, I feel it pertinent to note, that regardless of what you think happened between me and K, K was dedicated to peace on the server. They do not simp for me, they rightfully called out some of my actions as being explosive and my language instigatory.

And on top of the months of stress, and the angry, and the lack of medicine there was so, so much more going on behind the scenes in my own personal life at that point. I don’t know how much N has told you about this year, but I suppose, as you would say, iykyk.

All and all, I could have handled this better and I know that, I never said I handled this perfectly, or hell, even well. This is not something I have a lot of experience in, my writing especially was something that used to be only for myself.

I have years of built up feelings about this, and they are temperamental and unpredictable, and I know that on average I can be a lot more sensitive then some people. It is something that I have had to work through over the years, and will continue to have to work through over the coming ones. I have a lot of attachment to what I make, as do a lot of creators – and it can be hard seeing said characters taken and used in ways I don’t necessarily vibe with.

However, I’ve gotten better about it, even find it amusing and kinda fun – when it’s fans who are doing it. But you were never a fan, and that’s were the main problem lies. You were supposed to be a friend.

Now let’s examine you for a second here. You claim your innocent in all of this, you’re very much not. Obvious, yes – tending towards misunderstanding, very much so. I can safely say that before this argument spiraled into something so pathetically public, you probably were genuinely unaware of your actions and how they affected others.

You were unaware you were hurting me.

Except no, you weren’t were you?

First thing I want to establish out of the gate, we were never best friends. I don’t know why you think this, or where you got this from, but you were always NJ’s best friend, not mine. You were a friend, sure, but you and I had a more casual relationship before you took an ‘interest’ in my fic.

We barely talked, and I mostly just got involved when one drama or another in your life reared it’s ugly head and you needed comforting, and potentially retribution in the form of silly fics featuring your OCs. Sidenote, I have written you a lot of a free work and honesty it is staggering to look back on all the little things I made for you, some of it requested some of it not. It was a fine relationship – you were always a bit much for me. You infodump pretty hard, and I never really felt a spark with you as an online friend. We didn’t vibe, but that was fine, because you and NJ vibed and that’s what I cared about.

You and her had a good relationship, kinda. I’m not going to get into E, that entire thing is on yours and NJ’s plate now – I will not associate myself with that. Needless to say though, I’d known for a long time that E was a bad influence on you, but figured it was your right to pick who you were friends with. So I let it go, and let you live your life.

The K drew a picture, and you were very into it. You started reading my fics, first from the middle, then eventually looping back to the beginning. You were very confused for awhile because you read ahead and you didn’t quite get what was going on. You told me that you wanted to avoid the Dead Dove stuff, and I respected that.

My work is not everyone’s cup of fetid tea.

You did read through them eventually though, and oddly enough you latched onto a rather disgusting example of humanity from them. I was confused, but figured hey, N likes questionable characters, so why not? Along with that, there was a certain understanding that even though it made me uncomfortable to a degree, you were having fun and so I decided that’s okay – N can have fun. She’s not hurting anyone.

And that’s where the real trouble began, right there. Boundaries, and your lack of understanding of them. There are no invisible lines in the sand, but there are instances when someone has been repeatedly made uncomfortable, and the other person just keeps pushing.

For an example, let me bring up the fish videos you have sent me or posted in chats with me on more then one occasion. You have expressed remorse for this, and I’m sure you did feel it, but the fact that it happened more then once after I made it clear that fish hurting was something that I can’t handle due to certain things I saw when I was young makes me think that you did not really register that boundary.

Your drawings made me uncomfortable from the get go, but they were also pretty funny sometimes, and also I saw no real reason to start snipping at you for something like that. I figured I was being petty, and had this notion that if it just stayed at this level, everything would be fine. I could live with a little discomfort, that was fine, it wasn’t as though you knew what you were doing.

I even made you a couple AU fics, just because I saw how much you were enjoying all of it. I was happy that you were having fun, which is why in the beginning I encouraged it. However as time went on, things began to get harder.

You claim I don’t like Rowan because I’m biphobic, which would be a very weird thing to be because I do happen to be bi as you well know. I didn’t like your OC for a multitude of reasons, but in the end the plain in simple fact is I was never obligated to like your OC. You flung her into the chat, and then you never stopped talking about her – inserting her places where she wasn’t wanted.

And in the beginning, I did try to be encouraging, I did. I never liked her, but you were having fun with her so once more I gritted me teeth and went along with it. It was around now though that I began to bitch a little bit to NJ. Trouble was, I fake bitch all the time, and she didn’t realize I was actually growing upset until it was far too late.

This is the part where you failed to understand boundaries. You’d hit me with text wall after text wall of questions, most of them about world building, or characters that I didn’t care about. You were curious in a bunch of elements of the world that I hadn’t really bothered to think about and for a time I tried to keep up with you.

But as your character began to expand, her backstory actively colliding with several parts of my world, it felt more like you wanted to do your own thing then actually build something within the story I’d created. Which would have been fine, had you not been a friend, and actively in my DM’s both day and night.

It was not something I wanted to see.

I was always more friendly with K, you are correct about that. It’s plain and simple, I liked K more. I liked K’s ideas more, I liked their stories more, I liked their characters more. K made and effort to fit into my worlds boundaries and when they broke one there was always a reason for it.

They let loose their own established characters whose world building directly conflicted with mine, and it was funny to watch the sparks fly off of it. We were having fun with one another, and I enjoyed conversations with them.

I did not enjoy conversations with you, a delude of questions, songs and memes that always made me wonder just what fic you were reading. Because whatever it was you were reading, it couldn’t have been mine. The ideas you were taking away from it were so alien to me, I didn’t recognize them as my own half the time.

I began to pull away from you, to ghost you. I spent more and more time with K because talking to them was actually enjoyable, and from my perspective I figured there was no real harm in it. After all, you were NJ’s friend, not mine. You and her had had a dialogue going for over two years, you were buddies.

I was just a supplemental friend, and was comfortable in that position. For me, the server was broken up into two groups – Me and K, and you and NJ. We were all friends, but we were mostly friends with one another, and that only became truer as your fanart became more and more based strictly around your OC and her actions, and less around anything that really related to me.

So I started to simply interact with K, because I wanted to enjoy my life. We were having fun, a fun that would end up later causing drama of a different sort, but something that I will firmly state here has nothing to do with you. It has to do with me and NJ, it is our relationship after all – and on a side note, I do not appreciate the fact you seem to think it is okay to insert yourself into it the way you have.

I understand that friends complain to one another, that is what friends are for – but you need to keep that shit to yourself. Those were NJ’s thoughts that were meant to be shared with just you, and you don’t have any right to go parading them around like you did earlier.

You were getting quieter, which quite frankly was a relief to me. I wasn’t so stressed out anymore, I figured you and NJ were off doing your own things, or you’d gotten distracted by something else. I checked up sometimes, answered when I could stomach it, but at that point the discomfort had grown to a boiling point.

I was unhappy, uncomfortable, and felt that my boundaries had been very thoroughly violated. However, I didn’t have the words then to say that – wasn’t even fully sure what I should be feeling. It was simply too much. You had continued on for ages, even as my responses grew more scattered, even as you saw me pulling away.

And here’s where I really begin to take issue with some of your actions. You clearly knew that I was pulling away, trying to get away, but you never asked me why. You simply asked to see K and my Rp logs – you expressed curiosity in them that I in no way wanted to entertain at that point and would find out later you had no real interest in.

Just another way to try and grab my attention.

I was anxious, sickeningly anxious actually about what you might do with those logs, as it turned out I should have been though that came later. I didn’t want K to upload them, but that’s not what I told them.

I told them to go ahead and decide, and they, oblivious to the situation happily uploaded them. It was somewhat of a relief when you didn’t seem to have any real interest in the rp logs, though left me confused as to why you’d want to see them anyways.

 Back and forth and back and forth, answers slowly petering out to questions posed to me. I mostly just popped on to upload new chapters, chapters I feel the need to say that I was giving you, NJ and K exclusive access to. I didn’t have to do that, but I was sharing it with the group of you for fun – so we could go over them before they were released to the public.

So you could all go wild in the Thunderdome

At this point, there were many things that could have happened. An earnest conversation maybe about boundaries and how I was feeling, or just a dialogue opened between the pair of us. I felt my hands were tied, and I couldn’t open said dialogue, so regardless of whether it was fair or not, it would have fallen on you to open it.

Not that I necessarily think an open dialogue would have saved any of this, not after everything you’ve said and done now.

Finally, after a long span of silence, we got into it on the server. You changed the name to something that directly insulted something of mine and I left. It hadn’t been a good time, N and I were I believe fighting at that point – though I can’t quite remember. No one was happy, K had been in a bad way, and everyone was just trying to get things back on the up and steady.

I left the server, and I genuinely had no intention of ever coming back to it. It had become such a toxic brew of emotions for me at that point that I couldn’t stand it. And still, even at this point, as frustrated as I had assumed somewhere deep down that this was all something as simple as a little misunderstanding.

Then we talked, and I learned that was not the case.

I still don’t fully understand your view on creative freedom I guess. It seems you firmly back the stance of creativity is good, and freedom is good, no matter what it creates and who it hurts when it’s created? That was all I ever got from our conversations at least. The funny part was, that even during that first, off the rails, unmedicated conversation I was still worried about you.

I didn’t want you to feel like your headcannons or Au’s were something you had to hide from the world at large, but I needed to communicate they were something you couldn’t share with me. I didn’t like them, and they were stressing me out.

But I was also so mad, and so tired, and felt so backed into a corner at this point. All I wanted to do was run, and not just from you, but from everything. I did run, a pathetic little trot outside into the blazing heat without shoes so I could hide without my phone away from everyone. It felt wretched and exhausting, and far worse was that people eventually came to find me.

After the first freakout, our conversation ended a bit more smoothly, though there was no real resolution that was reached. Neither of us were happy with the other, though there was the hope, at least for me, that maybe after I’d had some time to cool off and things didn’t hurt quite as much I could possibly try this all again.

A month later, I got my answer. I case you missed it, that message I sent you when I got back wasn’t supposed to be inciting a war. It was supposed to be ending one. I had thought it over, and decided that I simply wasn’t ever going to be comfortable seeing your interpretations of my world again, and figured that it was easier if I just stayed back from the server for the rest of its existence. This here, was my attempt at getting things back to normal.

Bury it was my recommendation. You got hurt, I got hurt so we should just leave it and not speak on it. We could be more hands off, I even sent you a gift, in an effort to try and smooth things over a little bit. A sort of, I’m still upset, but let’s try and make things work.

It was then that you went nuclear. I do not have the conversation anymore, and I do not feel like unblocking you on discord to find it. It was a little like being back with you on the server, you called me all the names under the sun, insisted I was a narssict and furiously rebuffed any efforts I made to rebuild the bridge.

And eventually, I gave up and just started shouting back. At a certain point I realized that this should be the last conversation the pair of us ever had, and realistically it should have been. A lot of nasty words were exchanged, though you had an amazing amount of venom to spew. You have some of these words in your text document that you published – but you’ve chopped it up.

You’ve left only the ending notes, and you’ve stripped it of all meaning and repurposed it kind of like what you did with my characters. It seems that that’s just how you do things, and once more I find that it is kind of hard to be surprised.

That fight caused a lot of things to happen, things that I will not put here on a public site. You do not have the right to know, and I refuse to arm you with the knowledge of just how much power you had over me with those last few barbs, even if I have shaken off the worst of it by now.

I have never, after all, had a friend turn on me quite the way you turned on me. Arguments, disagreements, petty fights, yes… but this was something else. NJ and I continued to fight, as you are aware, our relationship is less stable than it could be. That is neither here nor there, and I will repeat in case you missed it the first time.

Stop trying to insert yourself into our relationship, maybe focus on your own.

I blocked you on discord, but the damage was thoroughly done. Because, NJ still decided you were her best friend, and I didn’t feel like I had any right to say otherwise. This conflict was between you and me after all, and who was I to tell her who she could and couldn’t be friends with?

Along with that, her and I were already fighting as you are aware – boundaries had been crossed without being recognized, and in doing so a whole stewpot of problems had been uncovered. Our relationship was on the rocks, and it still is if I’m fully honest. I was angry with her, she was angry with me.

The point here, is I left you alone. I did not drag you publicly, kept my frustration locked within the circle that it had spawned in. I considered it classless to have a meltdown in front of the internet, and also possibly damaging to both our reputations.

You are, after all, a highly talented artist who I have no doubt will go on to do some amazing things once you graduate, and I am an author with a small internet fanbase. I figured that at least we both had the understanding that we’d leave each other alone and simply complain about one another to the respective parties.

Then I saw your edit.

 I forgot what compelled me to look it up – I’ve never been all that good at letting go though. My mind still saw you as a friend somewhat, and as stupid as that was I was curious to look back on memories, see what you were up to.

That incredibly stupid thought was quickly removed simply by going to your main account. The gripe that I owed you money, that was fair. I did not deliver you the commission you paid for, and I did need to give you that money back. I’d actually tried before, but I still maintain that the link was broken, or maybe my phone and computer just didn’t like it.

Needless to say, at this point you were no longer a friend. I snapped back at you, not bothering to be nice now and demanded your KoFi. You told me you’d never taken it down, and it turns out you hadn’t. I left a salty little note for you, and sent you your money back both extra for all money sent before, and then we spat venom at each other for a little bit.

Then I realized that you’d been vagueposting about me more then I thought, accept the vagueposting wasn’t vague at all. My username was in it. I didn’t really know what to feel at that point, just tired as I scrolled through rambling assumptions about who I was as a person. It felt bad of course, seeing all these horrible things you thought about me, but honestly what could I do?

I complained to NJ and she told you to take the username off, and stop posting on tumblr. She did this several times, which is very telling as far as I’m concerned. You get presented with a boundary, and you heed it for a while, before you decide it is once more time to cross it. You have, after all, posted more stuff up on tumblr, though at this point you’ve done far worse then that.

For my own sanity, I forced myself not to go and lurk. I knew what I’d see would upset me, and while comparing a trans person to JK Rowling is quite tasteless, it was the fact that you were still using my characters while you were doing this that really got me.

On one hand, you describe the author as emotionally disturbed, and horrible, and a narssict. On the other hand, you still tag my characters in your posts. You willfully interacted with my content, but at the same time smeared my character.

So I just left, and K should have done the same though they were deeply affronted by all the things they’d witnessed. They were never lurking on you tumblr you see, they still followed you – that’s why it kept popping up in their feed. Because before you started going ballistic on them, they were under the assumption this fight was between you and me.

K had after all attempted to play peacemaker while in the chat, had attempted to mend bridges and salvage a friendship they thought was salvageable. They were hurt and furious when they saw that now that NJ had told you not to aim your venom at me, you were aiming it at them.

In the end, instead of responding, they did the right thing and just blocked you. I figured that finally, finally we’d come to the end of it. Both K and I were prepared in case we got any random commenters wandering him with misinformation you’d given them, but we figured we’d cross that bridge when we came to it.

And then E, your very own E showed up on my user page, harassing one of my commentors with this long winded ill informed bullshit. I wasn’t that stunned to see them, I’d recently restricted all of my posts, wondering if they are you would turn up there eventually. I didn’t want to write for you after all, didn’t want you seeing my creative works.

At this point, I didn’t want you near anything I’d made – even though realistically I knew that this was an unreasonable expectation seeing as how the internet was. K also came to snap, and then I left it there, not caring to touch it anymore.

Then you showed up, and so went any last shred of respect I had for you. I woke up to a message from K, telling me that I better get over to my page. I did, what do you know, N has made a new account, and also linked to a google drive, all smack dab in the middle of my public page.

I of course delete all of it and turn on comment moderation – I had no desire for that drama to go any more public than it already has gotten on that site. I also blocked you, though no surprise there, you no doubt saw that coming.

So let’s review the facts:

We had a fight in which neither of us were fully innocent, and both of us did damage. I hurt you, you hurt me, we were both angry.

We split ways under fiery circumstances, nobody left the conversation satisfied with how it ended but that’s life.

You continued to post about me on tumblr, continued to wrap my user name up in things along with threats to spill the beans on me, to spill the receipts on a server that only you have access to now. A server you can very easily cherry pick from.

When NJ tells you to knock it off, you switch your posting over to K, the other person in the situation.

When K blocks you, you send E to my page and have them post a long-winded vague post about how I am petty, and shallow and essentially the worst.

When I block E, you come yourself, along with a Google Drive of carefully curated conversations that you’d been creating since October, long past when this conflict was supposed to have boiled out and grown tepid.

Summary: No one is attacking you N, you are attacking me and K, repeatedly. You are not some poor sad victim here, at this point you are truly and fully the instigator. Everyone else doesn’t want anything more to do with this, we did the adult thing and left – we accepted that some situations cannot be saved and just walked away.

Ask yourself this, what do you hope to gain from this? Do you want the world to see that me as the horrible person you see me as? Is that your end goal? Or is your goal just to continuously to scream at me till the end of days? Because I’ve already said my peace here, I really have. I hate you at this point, and I’ll never not hate you – you’ve just done too much damage.

And even with all this, and honestly I hate myself for it but I feel the need to repeat it one more time just so you hear it.

I am sorry for my part in this, and for what I did that hurt you. I never meant to make you feel horrible about yourself, or your work, or any of that – I never meant to make you feel abandoned. I figured we had an understanding that we did not. You are a talented artist N, I’ve always maintained that.

But as a person N, you have proven to be a real piece of fucking work.

So just fuck off already.

[irish-urn]

Dasey on Broadway (Mixer’s Commentary)

Look out y’all, this is long. I’m serious: I’m putting it under a cut because it is 2700 words long.

Proud of Your Boy — Derek (duh)

It’s sung to his missing mom; because I am kinda low-key fascinated by their relationship (and because I think @dustinswill nailed it when they wrote: “George loves him but he doesn’t like him”)

“So say I’m slow for my age, a late bloomer, okay I agree…” Derek is fully aware that people think he’s stupid; he’s charming but he’s stupid and slow (which is amazing when you consider he’s probably born in late November…)

“Say I’m a goldbrick, a goof-off, no good; But that couldn’t be all that I am.” — because Derek IS amazing and he KNOWS he’s amazing, just… not in the ways that his parents want him to be.

“I’ll do my best, what else can I do? Since I wasn’t born perfect like Dad or you” — and here’s the kicker, because his parents are SO FLAWED and SO WRONG, but they’re still somehow still better than he is. Isn’t that the worst? He can’t even measure up to the most flawed people he’s ever met.

Everything Else — Casey (duh)

It’s honestly more the vibe than any particular lines, but it’s about Casey’s ache to get out, to succeed, to put on a performance so people don’t see her anxiety and pressures.

“You play ‘till it’s perfect, you play ‘till you ache; you play ‘till the strings or your fingernails break.” — You try and you try and you try and you try until you actually have nothing else to give.

I Never Planned On You / Don’t Come A’Knocking On My Door — Derek

LOOK. Derek didn’t want to be absolutely fascinated by Casey, okay? He still doesn’t believe in love at first sight, but he knows about attraction and curiosity; and he took one look at this girl with the retainer and the private schoolgirl outfit, and was hooked; which doesn’t make any sense!!! Because girls are fun, but nothing like this?!?!

“You are the most impossible boy — Shhh! — ever!” is the most Dasey-like interaction.

What is This Feeling? — DUET TIME

I don’t think I need to explain this. Because it’s SO THEM in early season 1. Especially when the way they’re feeling could easily be taken as extreme sexual tension. XD

“There’s a strange exhilaration in such total detestation: it’s so pure and so strong! Though I do admit it came on fast, still I do believe that it can last; And I will be loathing, loathing you my whole life long!”

Ladies’ Choice —Derek!!!

HE’S GOD’S GIFT TO THE WORLD, OKAY???? Which is fun, because that first song is about how he doesn’t think he measures up, but Derek is a mess of paradoxes and I love him so.

(He’s also a romantic, as we can see by the fact that the song ends with him wanting a relationship and love and family.)

Breathe — Casey

“It’s me: the biggest disappointment you know.” Basically the idea that Casey has all these expectations placed upon her and she doesn’t know if she can measure up to them; she’s gotta be enough for both parents and her grandmother, and now this whole other family and this new school; and I kinda pinpoint around the whole grade grubbing episode if we’re being honest, but it does linger for years and years.

Anything You Can Do — DUET TIME

I really don’t think I need to explain this either, except for how I LOVE that at the end, the guy yields to her talents, the same way Derek is always admitting defeat when Casey does beat him. It’s a game, alright?

A Guy That I’d Kinda Be Into — Casey

SO! This song is all about how the guy is SURE the girl is talking about having a crush on him, and then she says it’s this other guy. A couple of things about this song is:

(1) there is quite an argument that could be made about how Casey gets clumsy when she’s around DEREK and not Sam; and

(2) although Casey has no reason to trust Derek at this point or even confess anything about anything to him, “I guess a part of me wants to; I guess a part of me likes to talk to you; sit with you; hang with you…” Which… yeah! For all that Casey usually wants to strangle Derek, a part of her still wants to be his friend.

Dancing Through Life — Derek

NOT ONLY is this 15/16-year-old Derek’s philosophy on life — “No need to tough it when you can sluff it off as I do; Those who don’t try, never look foolish.” — but also the start of his and Kendra’s relationship, i.e.: “You’re perfect / You’re perfect / So we’re perfect together.” Because I do sincerely think that a good chunk of their relationship was based on popularity as opposed to genuine feelings.

When He Sees Me — Casey

SO! There’s a part of Casey that feels this way about dating: what if when he sees me, he doesn’t like me? “What if I give myself away only to get it given back?” Should I change a part of me to be more like what he would like? “I’m not defensive! I’m only being cautious.”

And what if when he does see me, the real me, he DOES like me? Damn, that’s even scarier… “Or even worse, he could be very nice, have lovely eyes, and make me laugh… Come out of hiding… What do I do with that?”

This, I think is about Scott AND Max, but mostly Max (and maybe even a bit of Derek): “If when he holds me, my heart is set in motion; I’m not prepared for that, I’m scared of breaking open.”

I’ve Grown Accustomed to Her Face — Derek

Something There — DUET TIME (but mostly Casey)

POOR DEREK. A combination of him actually realizing he has FEELINGS; starts off with Scott — “Damn, damn, damn, damn! I’ve grown accustomed to her face.” — and goes around to Max: “What a heartless, wicked, brainless thing to do. But she’ll regret it.” — It’s full of jealousy and hating what he’s feeling and trying to shake it off, because it can’t mean much, it must just be a small thing, BUT “I’m so used to hear her say, ‘Good morning’ every day.” But it’s okay, because “she’s a woman, and so easy to forget, rather like a habit one can always break— and yet.”

Casey realizing there’s something more to Derek, around the time he calls Dennis back for her and stands up at Smelly Nelly’s for her…

“There’s something sweet and almost kind; but he was mean and he was coarse and unrefined…”

“New… and a bit alarming; who’d have ever thought that this could be? True, that he’s no Prince Charming; but there’s something in him that I simply didn’t see…”

ALSO Derek: “No, it can’t be. I’ll just ignore… But then she’s never looked at me that way before.”

Fight for Me — Derek (XD)

BULLY BROTHERS!!!

“Could you face the crowd? Could you be seen with me and still act proud?”

“But I would fight for you if you would fight for me.” BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THEY DO!!! THEY STAND UP FOR EACH OTHER!! THEY FIGHT FOR ONE ANOTHER!!

Also, also: “You can set my broken bones; and I know CPR.” Hey Case? Wanna make out?

ALSO ALSO: “Wow. You can punch real good. You lasted longer than I thought you would.” — CASEY PACKS A PUNCH!!! AND THESE FEELINGS HAVE LASTED A LOT LONGER THAN HE THOUGHT THEY WOULD!!!

Suddenly Seymour — DUET TIME

Post Truman’s Last Chance. Derek taking care of Casey.

“I’d meet a man and I’d follow him blindly.” AND “Seymour’s my friend.”

…which is the end of canon LWD and into…

I Won’t Say (I’m in Love) — Casey

A combination of “same difference” and what I imagine Casey would be going through.

“If there’s a prize for rotten judgment, I guess I’ve already won that.”

“No chance, no way, I won’t say it, no no.”

I Don’t Know How to Love Him — Casey

So THEN we get into Queen’s, and Casey is developing feelings and having a harder time denying them.

“He’s just a man.” Like: what is so special about Derek???? He’s just some guy???? He’s not actually that impressive; and Casey has had boyfriends, alright; they’re not that amazing.

But: “He scares me so.”

“If he said he loved me, I’d be lost, I’d be frightened.” — because Casey REMEMBERS ‘same difference’, and Derek and her are finally circling around this thing, but she’s not ready, she’s terrified.

If I Loved You — DUET TIME

And now both of them are circling around these feelings (I’m thinking second year of Queen’s?), and both are aware that the other has feelings but it’s scary and they’re kind of in denial and they’re not ready to admit it, but if they say it then it’s real, and...

Rewrite the Stars — DUET TIME

SO DEREK MAKES A MOVE. “It’s up to you and it’s up to me; no one can say what we get to be.”

…And Casey says no: “You know I want you; it’s not a secret I try to hide. But I can’t have you; we’re bound to break and my hands are tied.”

Satisfied — Casey

WHICH LEADS US TO THIS, where both Derek and Casey try to date other people for the rest of the time they’re at Queen’s. I imagine Casey sets him up with someone from the Dance Team or some charity she’s involved with; and she goes on dates with various guys. But neither are really happy because they can’t really give each other up — “At least I keep his eyes in my life.” — and it’s really not fair to the other parties, no matter how hard they try. Because: “He will never be satisfied; I will never be satisfied.”

You Must Love Me — Casey

SO: after a couple of years of this, I’m imaging Derek graduates and is living in Toronto: he bartends, he helps out his contacts with odd jobs, and he’s trying to get into the film industry with limited success (but he hasn’t given up yet); and Casey gets into a couple of different law schools. She does a semester in Montreal, but ends up transferring to Toronto and tracking down Derek because she misses him and, well…

“Where do we go from here? This isn’t where we intended to be.”

“Why are you at my side? How can I be of any use to you now? Give me a chance and I’ll let you see how nothing has changed.”

And finally… “You must love me.” Now that I’m finally admitting you, you must still love me.

First Date / Last Night — DUET TIME

SO THEY GO ON A DATE and it starts off awkward and bad because Casey is hopeful and scared and Derek is kinda still hurt and uncertain, because she said no before and what makes it different now? “Why the hell are you still here?”

And they can’t match up and it’s not great; “Don’t expect too much, just walk.”

But then, at the end, Casey makes a joke and he laughs and responds, and she’s laughing too; and they knock shoulders or kick at an ankle, and suddenly everything starts flowing…

Bad Idea — DUET TIME

AND THEN THE MORNING AFTER. Because it’s one thing to think it MIGHT be good, and another thing altogether to realize it IS good. And shit, this is a really bad idea, because of so many reasons; but damn Derek is good with his hands, and Casey is hot and a really good kisser, but “Let’s face it, making mistakes like this will make worse what was already pretty bad.” Because life is hard and Derek is struggling to get into film and Casey is drowning in law school, and it was already complicated and now there’s this; BUT IT'S SO GOOD??? and “no reason to throw it away when there’s love to be had.”

And finally, surrendering, “Hold me tight as I tell myself that you might make sense and make good what has been just so bad…”

Waterloo — DUET TIME

So they’re not really labeling it for a while until, well, one day they do. It’s real, it’s big, and it’s inevitable, “knowing my fate is to be with you.”

As Long As You’re Mine — DUET TIME

I dunno if this needs an explanation; like, “My wildest dreamings could not foresee lying beside you with you wanting me;” and “Say there’s no future for us as a pair; and though, I may know I don’t care.”

We Kiss in a Shadow — DUET TIME

They sneak around for quite a while. I always imagined that if they got together as older adults, like 24+, they would actually hide the relationship LONGER than if they were in university because it would be much easier TO hide it. In university, they have to go back to London for long periods of time: breaks and summer semesters. But as post-grads and living in their own city, their trips back would be a weekend here or there, and probably far more focused on spending time with Simon and Marti than anything else. So they have a secret relationship for a while, all the while wanting to come out…

“Alone in our secret, together we sigh, for one smiling day to be free.”

Take Me or Leave Me — DUET TIME

(last year, someone told me this was a Dasey song, and I haven’t gotten it out of my brain since)

So Derek asks if they can come out. “A tiger in a cage can never see the sun; this diva needs her stage.”

Casey says no, not yet: “I look before I leap; I love margins and discipline.”

So they fight, arguing (honestly, the list of Joanne’s flaws is the most Dasey thing ever), until finally:

“Guess I’m leaving; I’m gone.”

Seventeen — DUET TIME

…I don’t think it takes very long for Casey to come back and apologize. A few days? A week maximum? And even though they’re not 17 anymore (more like 25…), the concept is still the same: Why does this have to be so dramatic? Can’t it be simple? “Don’t you want a life with me?”

“Yeah, we’re damaged / badly damaged / But your love’s too good to lose.”

“I’ll stay if I’m what you choose.” I’ll come out and fight by your side. Let’s do this.

Kristoff Lullaby — Derek

…This is Derek admitting he’s in love. It’s just… So lovely. “You’re what I know about love.”

I’m in Love with a Wonderful Guy — Casey

CASEY IS SO HAPPY??? “Love is a grand and a beautiful thing.” / “I’m as trite and as a gay as a daisy in May; a cliché coming true.”

Moving Too Fast — Derek

And then Derek gets some kind of grant for a film project he actually gets to direct and “I’m feeling panicked and rushed and hurried; I’m feeling outmaneuvered and outclassed. But I’m so happy I can’t get worried—” and yeah, a lot of things are happening: him and Casey are moving in together, they’re in love, Casey is happy; and now this grant and he’s so happy and it’s all very fast—

Something Wonderful — Casey

…And he does something stupid. I don’t know what; maybe he misses a date because of the film thing? But then he makes it up to her, and:

“This is a man you’ll forgive and forgive and help and protect as long as you live…”

It’s just. The most Dasey song and it HURTS to listen to.

If Ever I Would Leave You — Casey

Look, Casey sings this to Derek, I don’t make the rules. Maybe something happens; he doesn’t get the grant the next year, or Casey gets a job offering for another city; and she has to reassure him:

“No never could I leave you at all.”

The Best Thing That Ever Has Happened to Me — DUET TIME

AND THEN THEY’RE JUST HAPPY!!! I just love this song; they’re so happy and healthy and flirty and grown up…

“We might just be the best thing that has happened to us…”

I Love You Like a Table — DUET TIME

Look: Casey is the one reciting bad poetry (imagine, if you will, her draping her leg over a table, and singing, “My legs were carved for you” while running her hands over her very shapely legs, while Derek glares at her because that’s not FAIR, Casey!!) and Derek is the only who wanted to surprise her and has only managed to come up with a drum line (it’s a lot, but then again: the way he feels for her is a lot).

[firsttarotreader]

On your last reading there's a part where you wrote "anxiety and fear of disappointing the other" and I just want to get something off my chest here: add an S to "other" and that could be a potential second reason why Pedro didn't went to Cannes 🤷🏻‍♀️ I haven't see anyone coming up with this possibility and am truly surprise given how most of his fans knows how he has anxiety and is insecure. Yes, doing Almodovar was his dream but one thing is filming it, another is seeing it at a big screen, surrounded by movie critics, at the biggest movie festival in the world, and Pedro being a cinephile like he is he knows how big Cannes is, he knows how gigantic that moment would be, so was he psychologically prepared to handle all that? I wouldnt be surprise to found out that he had literal nightmares of being booed at the end of the screening 😔 it's complicated... and I might be alone with this theory of mine but I'm seeing all these people being malicious when trying to find out the "real reason", people being pissed at Pedro for him not fullfilling THEIR "plans"(a.k.a. fanfiction) like, where is the compassion??? insecurity is one heavy load to carry! anxiety... dude's smoking like a chimney even while doing gym everyday, that's a sign of high-level anxiety! "With great powers comes great responsibilities", remember? I'm sure he's got where he always wished to be but that doesnt mean it's been easy. Let's be compassionate with the man and vibrate good vibes to him, instead of seeing him as a freakin' Sims doll who should obey our wishes 😒

Anon, I get the anxiety issue, I don’t disagree, but people (not you) keep sending me anons saying “we don’t know why Pedro didn’t go” and we DO. It was stated since day one that he didn’t because of the prep for Gladiator 2. People just really need to let that sink in and accept it because THAT was the reason.