#of just going scorched earth and deleting everything

[adxmanial]

the death of Twitter has brought me peace tbh

[pastadoughie]

many people were confused about some of my previous posts, so for the sake of clarity i am condensing everything! tumblr has extremely transphobic moderation practices, often flagging completely innocent posts as explicit, solely for containing trans women in them or mentioning transgenderism. while letting untagged porn in sfw tags (ive literally seen porn tagged as "sfw agere") and blatent hatespeech, especially twards trans people (just look at the "gender critical" tag) go completely unchecked recently the CEO of tumblr had a big public hissyfit about people (rightfully) calling him transmysogenistic, going into random trans womens dms to harrass them, and saying that predstrogen saying she "hopes he explodes with hammers and then explodes again and hammers fly everywhere" is a death threat and saying he is calling the FBI on her (repeatedly misgendering her and calling her "it") and many bloggers, apon speaking out about it or even making harmless jokes (one trans woman posted a picture of a car and a hammer with the caption "reblog to scare matt" and got nuked for it) and many are very very angry (rightfully) about this whole affair and tumblr in general. if you would like to look into it i reccomend scrolling the "predstrogen" tag as she is the case most people are talking about at the moment. So, what can we do? this is clearly an ongoing issue, and, dispite having lost a lawsuit about their transphobic moderation in the past (see : https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/21274288-tumblr-nycchr-settlement) its clearly not gonna stop with just user complaints, as staff members are perfectly content to just go scorched earth on users who even so much as lightly poke fun at them well if you want to help you should contact the human rights commision (i will give clear details further down) ! you dont have to be in the US, nor be an adult to file, and it only takes a few minutes. this is the best and most effective method to fix this, because it hits tumblr where it hurts. human rights acencies have a lot of legal and financial power and tumblr CAN NOT just ignore them, and given that this will be the seccond time this is happening, the commisions shouldnt be playing nice anymore eaither. its really important that AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE FILE, and with different examples! while maybe your case might not be enough to prop up a lawsuit on its own, we need to prove a general trend. so every little bit counts! to respond to another question abt this ive gotten, as for what exactly to report, you should a) write about an act of discrimination youve recieved on tumblr that was eaither administered by a staff member OR that staff refused to give adequate moderation action in for example : a terf posted some blatent hatespeech targeted twards you, and you reported them, and staff looked at the issue and refused to persecute it. example 2 : you were unfairly flagged, deleted, or otherwise punished by a staff member and you are queer ( AND the post they banned you for has some kind of tie to your gender, ex : a sfw transition progress photo ) OR b) if you have not personally recieved something like that, please look for other peoples stories (THEY SHOULDNT BE HARD TO FIND, within the last couple of hours trans people have been being banned LEFT AND RIGHT for trying to speak on this. i would reccomend checking some of the tags related to what happened with predstrogen) and you should describe that incident as best as possible (be sure to disclose that you are speaking for someone else, ideally you should tell the story of someone you know, if possible.) you can also mention any reports you have made twards people posting blatent hatespeech that, opon reveiwing tumblr refused to prosecute dispite it being very obviously against terms of service. just so nobody gets confused about the filing process, im laying it out in more plain languadge!!

first you should email the SF HRC (san francisco human rights commision), at hrc.info@sfgov.org and say something along these lines :

Hello, I am [full name] from [country or state] and I am filing a complaint against Tumblr, witch is owned by the parent company Automattic Inc. located at 60 29th St, San Francisco, CA 94110.

Tumblr has had previous issues with the NYC DHR for their moderation being unfairly biased against trans women (see : https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/21274288-tumblr-nycchr-settlement).

Despite a legally binding agreement with the NYC DHR, staff members still regularly harrass users based on their gender or sexual orientations. For example : on [date of most recent infraction] [describe incident] (if you are describing an incident that did not happen to you specifically, say something like) This incident involves the user [username] who I am not affiliated with (or/) who I am filing on behalf of.

I can be reached for further inquiries about this incident at [email you want to talk over] or [phone number you want to talk over]. (if you would like to be anonymous) However, In the event of legal prosecution against Automattic I would refer to be kept anonymous, where possible, in court proceedings. alternatively, you can also call the SF HRC at : 415-252-2500, you can use the above text as a starting point for this as well, next you want to fill out the form for the NYC DHR (new york city department of human rights) here : https://www.nyc.gov/site/cchr/about/report-discrimination.page for company you wanna put : Automattic and/or Tumblr for address you wanna put : 770 Broadway, New York, NY 10003 for phone number you wanna put : (646) 513-4321 and for category of discrimination you can put : Discriminatory harassment and basis of discrimination you can put : Gender; Gender identity you can then use a similar script on the written section of the form. when describing a specific incident, you should attach as many screenshots and links as possible! (for links, include both a live link and an archival link, so take a capture with the internet archive and have that as an alternative, incase a staff member gets petty.) this should only take a few minutes at most, and it helps alot! you can fill this out if you are a minor, and you dont have to be a us resident, please please take the time!!! and, just to clarify because there are many posts going around that are confused about this tumblr moved offices to san francisco recently, so their main HQ is at : 60 29th St, San Francisco, CA 94110 they DO still have an office in new york city, and thats where their PREVIOUS HQ was, the address is : 770 Broadway, New York, NY 10003

[oifaaa]

*looks at ur Jason design*

Yep and now I know who’s going in Markiplier’s next everybody looks like Markiplier video

I've said it before and I'll say it again if Markiplier ever finds out about the nonsense I'm up to that'll be it for me everything gets deleted ill go scorched earth my poor nerves can not handle that kind of attention I'd rather just vanish from this mortal plan

[bloodyknucklesforme]

Dear John | 141 Reacts to You Breaking Up with Them with a Letter

Almost all angst, sorry not sorry

Ghost

He wasn’t surprised, honestly thought it would happen sooner. He came home after being away for almost eight months, with very little contact with you. Your shared flat was dark when he got there. He knew the moment he saw the letter on the dining table what had happened. He didn’t try to reach out, he didn’t want to hurt you and it honestly hurt too much for him too. He kept an eye on you, checking up on you from a distance. He knew he could never give you everything you wanted or needed and wanted to make sure you found someone who did. 

Soap

Didn’t read it for three days after coming home. He slept on the couch, the bed didn’t even smell like you anymore. A couple of drunken voicemails later, you agreed to meet to talk in person. It didn’t go well. You were crying and he was trying hard not to. You eventually agreed to go your separate ways. He didn’t tell anyone you’d broken up for months, just lied to his mates about how busy you were with work or school. His maw loved you and he didn’t know how to tell her. He didn’t want to admit to himself you were gone. Had lots of random hook-ups until his next deployment but it wasn’t you. 

Price

It wasn’t the first one he’d ever gotten. The disappointment still hung heavy in his heart. He didn’t bother reading it, just tossed it in the garbage. He drank, a lot. Went through a lot of cigars too (the neighbours complained about the smell). He went scorched earth, deleting your number, blocking you on everything, and throwing out anything that reminded him of you. He’d hoped you could hold on a little bit longer so he could show how ready he was to commit to you. He still has the ring he wanted to give you buried in the back of his sock drawer.

Gaz

He called you immediately, just wanting to make sure you had a safe place to stay. He asked if the two of you could talk it out. You spent several hours at your local cafe, your previous favorite date spot. It was painful but you were both open with each other about what you wanted. You agreed to a break, and he offered to let you stay at the flat and he’d move out for the time being (didn’t ask Price about sleeping on his couch beforehand). You’re not sure where to go from here but you’re open to getting back together. You both need to work on things but you still care about each other, just not sure in what way yet.

[hc-did-culture-is]

HC-DID is the sudden urge to delete everything RAMCOA I've ever interacted with, posts I've saved/reblogged, blogs I've followed, our own discovery of RAMCOA history and system journal, etc

just going scorched earth on everything because we don't have any RAMCOA history whatsoever and our abuse was just Normal Childhood Experiences with a Normally Religious Family and a Normal Cult Leader I mean Priest haha yeah

☀️

.

[olderthannetfic]

I'll never understand why some authors randomly decide to delete all their fic, blogs, or accounts. I get it if they've been bullied or they're planning on publishing their work. But it seems like a lot of people lose interest in a particular fandom or fan fic in general and just decide to delete everything for no particular reason. I just don’t get why they wouldn't abandon it so fans can still read it and move on with their lives instead going the scorched earth route.

Every time I think about all of the great fan fic stories that are forever lost that can't be re-read or read by new fans just discovering the fandom, it makes me intensely sad in that Great Library of Alexandria Fire kind of way.

--

[editedantiendoposts]

All due respect, I think you're having an overreaction to current drama and are going to regret deleting this blog later.

Please don't do something you'll regret later. You can step away from a blog if you need time without going scorched Earth and deleting everything.

Maybe we are over reacting. But we can't stand having someone compare us to another person just for agreeing with some of and not all of their points.

We really don't want this blog anymore and we're thinking of just making a positivity blog for inclusive plurals.

Syscourse has left an awful taste in our mouth.

[c-h-stevens]

So... I got banned from Patreon. ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ Which is exactly what I expected to happen at some point, but right now it's pretty ridiculous. Apparently I crossed a line by not having my characters looking into the camera and saying "I totally consent to this sex act, btw". Even though there was nothing non-consensual in the chapters I'd posted. (But that's a discussion for another time.)

(If you're wondering why I published there if I expected to get banned eventually: it was a stopgap measure till my SubStar profile got approved. I genuinely didn't think I was breaking the rules yet, though I wasn't at all surprised when they arbitrarily decided I was, because they do that a lot lately.)

Anyway, I was thinking maybe some people here don't know Patreon goes for the scorched earth approach. I didn't even get a warning before they wiped out my entire account. It wasn't a problem because I keep everything double-backed up, but it's shitty not to give someone a heads-up to let them make changes if they so choose. Just in principle, y'know? The way they handled this you'd think I was distributing revenge porn or something equally fucked up, not fiction about made-up characters who can't be hurt.

Based on comments I've seen around, they have a moderator called Kris who is in charge of deleting beastiality (people say in the practice this includes furry stuff, though the rules say it's allowed) and incest. The person I got is Dawn, who seems to oversee the deletion of rape/sex under the influence/anything where the characters don't exchange signed consent forms before sex.

Anyway, I guess it's possible to see a scene from the stuff I'd posted as some kind of CNC kink (which is disallowed by the rules though that literally means consensual non-consent, meaning it's roleplay) but they didn't even bother explaining what part, or post even, was objectionable. They just send me a canned email after going Attila the Hun on my entire Patreon.

It's also possible they're using an AI to flag stuff, like Wattpad is doing now. I'm absolutely against making alarmist posts, but if you have art or writing with explicit sex up at Patreon, there's non-zero possibilities of getting banned without warning. You can of course appeal but I have no idea of how hard or convoluted that could be in the practice, because I'm not even remotely going to bother.

My real problem, though, is my SubscribeStar profile hasn't been approved. It's been nearly a month! I understand why they're so swamped, as they seem to be the only website that accepts most stuff. But then I poked around and found people reporting they've been waiting for approval for literal years, and I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I really need some extra money, but the only websites that'll let me in find my writing unacceptable. Fuck.

[sevenstevearmy]

What if I got really back into sanders sides? Would you still love me if I started rewatching sanders sides? Would you forgive me if I started writing sanders sides fics again? Bc... You might not believe this but... I'm thinking about getting back into sanders sides.

I deleted my side blog and unfollowed a ton of people like... 3 years ago? ish? I won't have any of my friends anymore and I think a lot of them moved on anyway. But I was going through my ao3 and seeing which fics still needed crossposting to ff.net, and... well... Tbh I'm a much better writer now but I had so much fun reading them. I can't remember the exact reason I went scorched earth on it all. It wasn't the community. I just blocked the people I didn't like. Maybe it's bc of associations I had with outside stuff or maybe it was just my mental state but I really wish I still had my blog. I repurposed the corresponding instagram, too, so I have literally nothing of my old posts, just my fanfics.

Also to be clear everything above the cut was a joke, I'm not ashamed of my interests, I don't want anyone to think that. It's mostly a joke for me bc I went so scorched earth that I filtered out all of the tags even. I really seriously can't remember why it was so bad that it was triggering me to that point. And I do mean triggering. I seriously must have been very depressed (not surprising) to not remember any if this. But I'm doing a lot better now so idk. Might see if my blog name is still available tbh. Idk if I'll jump back in.

But like... It was so much fun. But maybe I'm just going back to my ex bc my current lover is stressing me out. I don't have time for all these hos.

I do still have a ton of wips...

It's past 1 am I'm going to bed and I'll attempt rational thought in the morning.

[songofsoma]

taking a break

tw for SA and racism

if you’re wondering why this is coming today instead of yesterday with @ladiemars’s post it’s because yesterday i was absolutely furious over everything and fully prepared to go scorched earth with how upset one of my best friends was. i slept on it, took a nice shower, and am calm since said friend is doing much better today.

i’m sure many people have seen the call-out post made by @ava-du-mortain about almost two weeks ago now. this person and i have a long history beginning three years ago. we had a conversation that ended up turning into me being mansplained what counted as sexual assault. i don’t talk about my personal life very much on this blog, but when i was in high school i was groomed and then sexually assaulted by a man in a way many people would probably brush off or say i was overexaggerating. so someone trying to explain what was about sexual assault sent me into a spiral that night three years ago. i avoided them ever since 1) not wanting to worsen the situation and 2) i didn’t need that in my life.

i will not be producing screenshots because i deleted our dms soon after it happened. seeing that in my inbox every day made me feel sick. something one person might think is harmless in saying can truly send someone with diagnosed ptsd into a spiral. there is no way an opposite party could've known before, but it was handled poorly even after i explained my experience with sexual assault. I

in regards to the black woman i allegedly called “aggressive,” this person and i used to be friends as we ran in the same friend group. i cared about them but sometimes friendships don’t work. i didn’t like the way they treated other people and decided to no longer be friends with them. we were all teenagers whose friend group imploded and went separate ways. it happens. pap wasn’t even involved in said friend group and was never there. when everything blew up all over again in 2021, things were brought up again and it sucked. i’m a confrontational person. i will call out bad behavior. if you’re an asshole, i will call you an asshole. that is something about me that will never change. 

at the same time, someone who i had been friends with had been told by pap i was being racist in posts toward mason because he’s brown and that i was oversexualizing my brown oc in a way that it was the only reason she existed. mason isn't my favorite character because, around the time that this happened, his characterization held a lot of the same mannerisms as my assaulter. the pushiness and toxic hypersexuality of his character in 2021 (which was something m*shka finally addressed and, to my knowledge fixed) was very similar to the man who assaulted me. i've never had an issue with people who love mason, these were my own issues and something i made light of as a way of coping.

instead of talking to me straight up, they were trying to plan some sort of “intervention” that felt more like an ambush when it was talked about with my friends behind my back. knowing how that friend group could act from witnessing it in the past, my friends told me, worried something like the before-mentioned “call-out” post happening. i’ve always been open to criticism. if i’m doing something wrong, i trust someone to come to me like an adult and discuss it. that didn’t happen and it was twisted into me not wanting to be held accountable when really people who loved me were worried about something similar to this happening. i still tried to have the conversation with the person i am no longer friends with because of this, but tempers were high on both sides and it ended up just being one big disaster. 

that leads me into the point of i have never once claimed to be a person of color. a lot of tumblr accounts don’t have their race listed in their bio. the “evidence” linked was a three-year-old broken about me page that i haven’t had working since i was nineteen and an ask wondering what ethnicity my oc is. 

speaking of my oc, specifically linking asks where she’s sexual or me explicitly stating she likes sex does not mean that is her entire character. she’s developed over the years and has turned out to be a wildly different character than when i first made her. characters grow and change. she does not just exist to be sexualized. if there truly was a problem with her character, i would hope one of the people of color whose opinion i trust would let me know after three or so years. pap’s opinion means little to me in multiple senses from personal experience which is why one person having these specific problems no one else has had is something i disregard. i don’t live my entire life on tumblr. i have people outside this app that i know will hold me accountable. 

as much as i enjoy writing and making content for wayhaven, it’s truly not fun to me anymore. i’ve rediscovered the pleasure of writing for just myself and my friends this past year and have several personal projects i’m working on. many of my mutuals have been lost over this, mostly because they didn’t want to get involved which i could never fault them for, or they were afraid of being blasted in the town square in a similar manner. i wasn’t hit as hard as my friends. once you’ve been doxxed before, someone who hates you on the internet isn’t a huge issue. 

overall, i want to explicitly state—i do not care what you think of me. if you read the post and think i’m awful, block me, unfollow me, it doesn’t really matter to me. i absolutely do not want anyone attacking the person who made the original post, i find that behavior unacceptable. i would simply like to go back to genuinely forgetting they exist like i have done for the past three years. this post is the most attention i will ever give that account ever again because i know the main motivator is looking for a reaction. 

all my prior writings and such will stay up. i don’t know if i’ll continue posting my fics and such. i may take a long break or i may just use this for reblogging purposes, i haven’t decided. 

have a great weekend

lindsay <3

[buddieisgoingcanon2024]

Oop R has now unfollowed C on Instagram.

Also to that other anon who thinks C left R and he was probably cheating on her. Is it possible? Sure. But you gotta look at the full picture of why he is the one considering as leaving. Ryan has gone to leave her multiple times and has even stated multiple times over the years in various interviews online how their relationship was about to end and he was done only for her to end up pregnant thus pausing it. Then it happened again and she got pregnant again pausing it. And then the pandemic again paused it. Then we get to the last year. Ryan was the one who first started slowly removing her from his SM. She continued on as everything was fine while he erased her off it. Wouldn’t make much sense for her to continue pushing the were in love, look at my ring, couples goal that she did if she had left him. Then we get to the hello article. We won’t ever know the full story with that but in my opinion it was released before it was supposed to. But it was very clear by the tone of it, he called it. He ended it. And while neither ever officially commented on it, she very much went scorched earth after it and completely purged him immediately and blocked him. Now from there it becomes speculation because let’s be real we won’t ever find out the full story, but it’s obvious the article releasing made them lose control of whatever narrative they were trying for during the separation. The entire summer we just had to endure with them? That was them putting the effort in to regaining control over it. So now they could end it on their terms. It’s been very clear Ryan is and has been done with their relationship so, I’d speculate he agreed to “reconcile” for the summer so she’d have her “husband” for her bikini competition (which she dropped out of) the movie premiere, her 30th birthday, their paid trip (I’d hazard the deal was for the both of them with a heavy insinuating he be there because he does have the bigger fan base and would be more likely to drum up business after their reviews), her friends wedding, and then finally her song release. So all of that done the only thing left is the actual separation. Now taking into account her reaction to it the first time, and the kind of person she is, I’d say it’s pretty obvious while they regained control of their narrative she wouldn’t want to come off as the “spouse who got left” this time around. It would be better for her image going forward if she could play the I left him card (and let’s be real Ryan will be fine if he’s seen as the one who got left and we all know jt) so what happens? She deletes him off her posts and reels first this time. She follows a few divorce and coparent pages that especially paint her fellow co parent in a bad light and her as the perfect partner and victim. And then she unfollows him. And just like that she now gets to say she left him. He doesn’t care because again he’ll be fine and he’s finally free. Was his ss that outed him an accident? Idk. Part of me says yes but part of me says no. There have been rumors around him and that subject for years at this point so it wasn’t a big shock to a lot of people. More just like a confirmation. And now going forward he can be more free with it if he wants and it won’t be a big deal because oh hey everyone already saw that ss. But what that ss did also do, It gave her what she needed to fully lean into the “wife scorned and reasons to leave him” narrative I feel she insisted on this time around. She relied a lot on Ryan’s fans and with them separated that’s gone. They aren’t gonna stick around for her. So what does that leave her? Fan’s she manages to makes on her own, and falling back on her gun range fans, the more conservative fans, and the religious fans. And being able to play the I left my husband because he was toxic and not straight locks those three particular groups right into place where she needs them.

⬆️🎤💯👏👀

[insomnia-productions]

anyway here's a short story

. . .

The hood of the car is hot. He lies back on it anyway, feels the gentle scorch of the metal simmering under his jeans. Overhead, the sky is a relentless expanse of blue. No clouds. It’s the kind of sky you could get lost in, if you wanted to, or even if you didn’t. It’s the kind of sky that could reach down and eat you up whole. He stares up into it, into the layers and layers and layers of atmosphere, all pressing down on the earth like a boot stopped just short of an insect underfoot. He stares up into it and imagines his eyes filling up with the blue, pupil and iris and sclera, until it seeps inside him and all his organs are bursting with it, with the infinity of it, and then he rolls off the hood and opens the driver’s side door. Music leaks out from inside the car. Slime turns dispassionate, horizontal pupils on him from the passenger seat. She is a thing of the earth and the mud, and not so easily enamored by the sky. He climbs into the car, turns the radio up loud enough to drown out everything that exists and everything that has ever existed and everything that ever will, and he drives onward, ever onward. 

.

He passes one day in early June sitting cross-legged in a barren field, car parked right bang in the middle of the empty, endless road, watching the bugs that tunnel under and over the old soil. It’s excessive, he thinks, maybe, whiling away so many hours in so unremarkable a place. But, he thinks also, and the thought is freeing as a hand around a throat, just about to press down for the final time: it’s not as though he has anywhere to be.  

And a barren field is not so unremarkable, really, when you sit in it for hours and hours and come to see all the little living parts of it. He watches the industrious bugs and beetles, burrowing into the soil, skittering across its surface, always moving, always knowing, somehow, exactly where they are going and what they are going to do there. He remembers watching a documentary about that, once, about the patterns and paths woven so tightly into those double-helix scripts. The narrative of their entire beings, written painstakingly out in every fundamental part of them. They must never forget their lines. All those stage directions they couldn’t possibly comprehend, but follow anyway. 

The sun is half gone by the time he walks back to the car, the dirt like rust under his feet. There’s a notification on his phone, tossed carelessly on the seat: one missed call. He deletes it.

.

He finds a camera at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. It’s a clunky polaroid, brown and white and a little overpriced, but he is instantly charmed by it, by the improbable fact of its existence here. He places it down on the counter with a pack of candy cigarettes and an overlarge bottle of Fanta. 

The cashier looks at him, or maybe through him. His name tag reads: Bert. 

“Tourist?” Bert asks, ringing him up. 

“Not really.”  Then, mostly to fill the silence,  “I wasn’t expecting to see cameras at a gas station.” 

“Tourists,” Bert says. 

“Oh.” There isn’t so much as a town for miles around. He decides it’s not worth discussion. “Sure.” 

Bert tells him the price; he pays it. 

Again, Bert looks at him, or maybe through him. Through, he concludes after a moment. Bert says, “Where you headed?” 

He contemplates this. There’s only really one answer he can give. “Onward, I guess.” 

Bert shrugs. “Only place you can go, I s’pose.” 

“I s’pose,” he echoes, and finds himself a little discomfited by this response. That his journey could be summed up as something so simple. So easily understandable. 

He wonders how many other twenty-something guys have floated through this little quiet gas station, picking up candy and cameras and going nowhere, nowhere, nowhere, like the whole point is in the nothing of it all. 

He takes his bag, cracks a smile, because it’s better than the alternative. “I guess I’m not so special, huh?” 

Bert doesn’t answer. 

.

So the car fills up with polaroids. 

Slime is his muse, at first. He catalogues the rough spotty ridges of her back, the thin mucusy sheen over her dire slow-blinking eyes, the jelly stretch of her hind legs mid-leap. He gives her flower hats, which she tolerates, and paper capes, which she doesn’t, and he shows her the polaroids and pretends like there is value in the action, like she can look at them and see herself and think oh, yes, that’s me. 

Then he gets bored of that and turns the lens to the world. His car, framed against rows and rows and rows of sunflowers all angled unwavering in the direction of their worship. The road, a straight line as far as he can see and then some, and then some, and then some more. Birds on the ground, looking alien there. Trees with thick gnarled roots washed in dusk light, old and enduring, here long before he was made, here long after he will be unmade. There’s something comforting about that. 

He captures people, too, in the towns and in the cities he passes through, always quickly, always through the back roads. Tall buildings make his skin itch, lately. He drives by squat suburban houses and gothic college dorms and glass towers that kiss the clouds and he thinks if I get out of this car they will see me and they will eat me and I will die, I will die, I will die. He’s not really sure who they are. He keeps the door shut all the same. But there are red lights and traffic jams and his camera sits in his lap now everywhere he goes, so he holds it up to his face, and the streets don’t look so hostile through that little round lens, and he photographs the couples on the crosswalk with their hands swinging together and the children playing in the roads and the men in grey suits sitting all in a row outside the ramen shop and he thinks that they exist in a world that is wholly separate from the one that he has created for himself inside this car. Then the light changes, or the traffic lets up, and he drives, and drives, and drives. He finds that he never mourns the sight of civilization growing small in the rearview. 

He doesn’t take pictures of himself. 

.

They call again. Leave a voicemail this time. He sits with his thumb hovering over the play button for what could be hours or days or decades or two minutes. Then he disables voicemail and switches his phone off. 

.

Sometimes when it rains he sits with his back against the bumper of the car and feels the water soak through his clothes and drip uncomfortably from his hair. There’s a certain sort of glamor to this, he thinks, an inherent romance to the act of giving up, of surrendering yourself to the elements, or maybe to fate. He sits in the rain and that ever-present radio leaks out of the car to score this moment, his moment, and for just this short stretch of time, as long as the rain lasts, or as long as he can bear to sit in it, he is the only real person in the world. 

And then the rain stops, or the water pools a little too deep in his boots, and he squelches back into the car and then, just like that, the world is in motion again, and him just a fractional part of it, a fractional, wet part of it. Reality settles back over his shoulders. There is no glamor in this part. It’s mostly just damp. 

But there is a romance, still. There is always a romance in self pity. 

.

He discovers, sometime in mid July, that he likes to be near the water. 

He finds rivers and streams and ponds and brooks and walks along them for hours, letting them be his guides through the forests and the meadows, breathing in the primeval scent of dirt and moss and stone. He follows paper maps to hidden ponds and great lakes, and stands with his feet in the shallow water by the shore, watching the light shimmer across the ripples he makes, watching little fish dart away from his foreign presence. He sits cross-legged next to motel pools that glow an eerie blue in the night, imagining that the lights are really bioluminescent things, somewhere between plant and animal, and he imagines going to the places where bioluminescent things live. 

In his lap, Slime croaks, her throat expanding, elastic. It sounds like assent. 

“What do you think?” he whispers. “Should we go where the wild things are?” 

It feels a little like a confession, a little like treason. 

Slime croaks. Elastic. Approving. 

He smiles. 

.

The next time he opens his phone, there’s a text right at the very top. 

After all that, it says, simply. 

Yeah, he thinks. After all that. 

The thought isn’t as bitter, doesn’t sting as much as it used to. 

He’s not sure what that means. 

.

July turns to August. Something about that feels significant. He wonders if the significance is inherent to the turn of the calendar, or if it’s something he can choose to keep or discard. Time is different on a road like this. It has a different shape, or a different kind of movement, not shambling along or breezing by but expanding all around. Not a line, but a plane. Like it’s something he can see, in the rolling fields and the white stripe lanes disappearing in the distance, and that relentless blue atmosphere overhead. 

He thinks that maybe this place, so abundant in itself, creates its own time. That time is surplus in a place like this. 

He thinks that maybe this is what immortality feels like. 

.

One day he looks in the mirror and realizes with a small strange jolt that he recognizes himself. 

It’s something he’d lost, in recent years, but as the feeling settles warm and solid into his skin and over his bones he realizes, all at once, that maybe he never had it to begin with. He looks at himself, at his once-tired eyes and his hair-that-needs-a-haircut and the little upwards quirk to his mouth that surely hadn’t been there before and he thinks, oh, yes, that’s me. 

And he thinks, Hello. 

And he thinks, Maybe I should change my name. 

.

Autumn creeps with golden feet through the forests and the meadows and the endless stretch of the road and its fields. It’s the end of something, maybe. It’s the start of something, maybe. He’s not quite sure yet. Tomorrow, as every other day, he will make a decision, and it might be a big one, and it might be a small one, and it might be nothing and it might be the most important thing he ever does, and there is something terrible and wonderful about that. 

But now he sits on the roof of the car, Slime in his lap, and he breathes in space and he breathes out time. Building and rebuilding his little infinity. 

The sun, still summer-hot, reaches down for him. He tilts his face to it. Sometimes, as a child, he would close his eyes to the sun and gaze into the orange glow of his eyelids and imagine that that distant star was scorching right through him, burning away his mind, burning away his organs, setting alight every piece and particle that made up the thing that was him. Today he just lets it warm him. He lies back on the roof, Slime sitting placid on his chest, the insides of him all aglow in orange and blue. He thinks for a little while. 

He decides on a name. 

[skiplo-wave]

Bestie I got to rant bear with me, delete it if you want idc. I need a place to rant for 5 seconds and forget about it immediately and scorch the earth. BPD things.

I didn’t feel like making an entire post that I’m just going to delete.

I was on Reddit (yeah I know, but it’s the only place where I can bitch about Starfield, and how awfully fucking boring it is), and I had to displeasure of coming across r/DeppDelusion, and I think you already know what tf that cesspool is.

Against my better judgement, knowing it was going to make me mad, I still scrolled through it (i know…i already know). Really to find out about the stint that trash’s supporters have on Momoa. Turns out, Hughes’ therapy notes got leaked. I’m not going to tell you what they entail entirely, but there’s just so much delusion. Such as the fact Heard alleges several more rapes, like a fuck ton. There’s a lot about fact that Momoa constantly provoked her, dressing up like John on set of Aquaman, which I’m guess is just the bohemian style (which Jason dresses like but go off sis). Which brings me up to speed.

There’s a post that discusses the SA & rapes, compiling them from Hughes’s notes. There’s a comment (that I agree with), essentially said that “Hey we shouldn’t on to posting extremely private info that is not public”.

Then every fucking comment after it, is just “lol but it’s for all the victims tho”

Just stare at this disgusting thing with me, because as an victim of abuse this pisses me off.

I seriously can’t IMAGINE having my story of rape being martyred so hard and viciously that respect isn’t given to me. That the respect that my bodily autonomy was taken away from me, is being broadcasted “for other victims”, that’s not done in a delicate way. These dickheads are so absolutely disgusting that they don’t give a shit that what’s in discussion is fucking rape, but the fact that it all needs to be “public”.

Imagine being humiliated like this. It’s like they want the shock value to drill a point. You can make this same exact point without making her a SA version of Joan of Arc.

If this was me, I would feel violated two times over.

Of course <redacted> probably thinks this wonderful because she’s attention seeker who just wants to be noticed every 5 seconds, if she’s not looking for it. Fucking disgusting cockroaches.

lol also that “friend nobody likes” is fucking Fartlow.

Sorry for the super long rant.

It’s the “ we know case through and through, and read everything.”

Yet they still drag out the text messages and shooty pictures

Man Amber and Johnny bei ng together really was worst decision no matter who or how you view it because the takes following everything of them being dog shit

[alyosiuscreightonward]

-E-

“Oh. My. Fucking. God. Melouk. Derrick.”

I don’t know what shade of red I turned but I was hot. I’m in stealth mode as I exited the barn and headed back to the lodge. So many emotions all going through my mind. I know what I heard. Those two voices and those five words were literally tattooed in my database. Even if I deleted it, they would have never been able to actually disappear. Seriously I can’t bleach my mind.

Once you’ve entered the lodge, immediately to the left was our impromptu office. A stately Governor Winthrop secretary was placed in front of the corner and in front of it was a small table made out of old railroad ties with a beautiful super modern Scandinavian designed office chair. Two windows were on either side of the secretary and two handsome Ebony bookshelves were just under the windows. All the latest technology sat on the table. I was on a mission as I sat down and began to work the mouse.

The mouse made a scuffling sound as I dragged it across the tabletop. Click. Clickedty. Clack. Click click. I pulled the keyboard closer to me. The two monitors came alive with live video feed. I pulled up the video of the barn.

Each stall has a motion activated camera. If the horse moves, the camera comes on and if someone opens the stall doors, the camera will automatically start. I braced myself and found Melouk going into to his little tack room area directly across from his horse’s stall. He was laden down with all his possessions. Gorgeous handcrafted pieces and all of them were monogrammed with Melouk’s fictitious husband, Henry Howard Richardson. Then all of them would read, H-R-H. Clever, clever.

Melouk sets his stuff down on the little bench and reaches for the saddle and that’s when things go awry. The saddle falls off it’s hook and down he goes as well as the various and sundry items pertaining to owning and riding a horse made an avalanche and then Derrick walks around the corner. He sees Melouk under his saddle and the rest of the kit on him like a cherry on top of a sundae. Derrick looks at him again, he notices that Melouk is bleeding. A trickle of blood flows from a gash at the hairline.

“You okay,” he asks.

“Mount me, stallion,” responds Melouk as he lifts the saddle above his head.

Derrick grabs the saddle by the horn with one hand and reaches out with the other hand to assist Melouk off the floor and in one fell swoop he’s standing upright. I clenched. The next few minutes I watched Derrick and Melouk fix everything as best as they could. Then without any further ado, they went their separate ways. I clenched again and let out an exasperated sigh.

As I began to close all these open windows on the computer, the door opens and in steps Melouk. Our eyes lock.

“You know I’d love to kiss you but I’ve just washed my hair,” he says as he walks to sink to wash the dried blood on his forehead.

“I can’t with you because when I heard you say, ‘Mount me, Stallion’ I thought the absolute worst of you but then I remembered that you’re a fucking prude who doesn’t open up the store and give the goods away,” I snapped back at him.

“Oh. Good. Lord,” his diminutive frame stood ramrod straight with his hands balled up in fists. Melouk couldn’t look at me, he just continued to look out the window above the sink in our little kitchenette area. He went on to say, “I may be the second runner-up in the Miss Scorched Earth pageant representing Death Valley and I am desperate, however, I’d rather die of dehydration than get involved with that tall drink of water.”

Melouk relaxed, he reached for a paper towel, pulled off a sheet or two and fiddled with the hot and cold water faucets and tended to his wound. I burst out laughing. I was beginning to tear up and I then realized I wet myself. FUCK MY LIFE!

[alstroemeriadissonance]

HEYOO GOOD DAY I JUST WANNA ASK IF U HAVE A MASTERLIST? KWOWURWK

Masterlist

Mental health upkeep available here~

I need Dr. Richter for heals :<

Masterlist under the cut! Shit is getting long lol

Vynposting

Girl Talk - Rosa finds it hard to let her girl friend know about her little secret

The first night (NSFW) - Rosa's first time with Dr. Richter

On limerence. - Vyn Richter is having trouble getting to grips with what he is feeling about his teaching assistant

Vulnerable - Sometimes the sweetest of things come with the most dangerous of risks. Follow up to The first night (NSFW)

On denial. - Rosa learns that saying things have consequences. Vyn and Artem-centric

Let me show you - Even an expert psychiatrist needs affirmation.

On imperfection. - Dr. Richter learns a bit of lesson from the object of his budding obsession

On consequences. - Rosa learns that consequences of her actions are not limited to affecting her alone

When it's that time of the month ~ Vyn continuation (NSFW) - Picks up immediately where Vyn's part in this entry left off. No, it is no longer wholesome.

Possession (NSFW) - Vyn gets immensely jealous, MC is sort of pissed off. Angry sex happens.

[Deleted scene from 100 flowers] - Removed scene from 100 flowers for the love that I have lost, posted upon request. Angst.

Night Gladiolus ~ The Witching Hour (NSFW) - Rosa moves into her town and meets her strange new neighbor. Entry for the Tears of Themis NSFW Monthly Writing here (Prompt #2)

The Psychology of Communication (NSFW) - In which Dr. Vyn Richter makes use of a rather unconventional situation to teach certain concepts of communication and cognitive dissonance

Act of Contrition (NSFW) - Demon Vyn AU. Please do not deploy pitchforks.

Rebound (NSFW) - Rosa finally takes up Dr. Richter's offer in tending to her emotional health after her break up with Artem. Luke helps out because some bones may need breaking.

The Doctor will see you now. - NXX Investigative Team gets a proper check up done because they keep failing their weekly physicals.

Care Package (NSFW) - Sequel to The Doctor will see you now. Dr. Vyn Richter makes a house call.

If we must go against the world, will you choose to stand beside me? (NSFW) - Speculative Spoiler story. Betrayal happens. Someone willingly dives into hell with him.

Scorched Earth Offensive - ver. Vyn (NSFW) - Rosa is being kept on overtime by her senior out of petty jealousy; Vyn ropes her into participating in a roleplay to drive the fact home that yes, she is already taken.

Orange Chocolate (NSFW) - Rosa convinces Dr. Richter to at least acknowledge the handmade chocolates given to him by the members of his fan club.

A Vyn Fairytale: The Dragon and the Rose Knight - Submission for Themis's Typewriter Secret Santa Event. Rosa falls asleep as Vyn reads her a story.

Dr. Richter's Short Horror Story: The Depths of his Obsession: A story of deep, dark obsession that may or may not have happened.

Night Gladiolus ~ Law of conservation of energy - Sequel to Night Gladiolus ~ The Witching Hour (NSFW) . Rosa is now an office worker who is tired of living.

That one Rose in Professor Richter's garden - Professor Richter's fanclub finds out about the existence of Vyn's most precious rose.

Daybreak Thoughts - Slight timeskip where Marius and Vyn discuss Rosa, the near future, Marius's obligations and everything else in between (Marius x Vyn)

Series

The Hunt - (AU series starting from a Vampire Hunter Rosa x Vampire Vyn ask) Lady Rosa of the Hunter's Guild meets certain doom in the hands of powerful vampire Duke Vilhelm de Haspran.

Pilot oneshot (ask) | Intermission (NSFW) | Pt 02 | Pt 03 | Pt 04

Chiaroscuro - Three-part series in which Marius and Vyn are both slightly unhinged and don't quite know how to process Marius's feels (COMPLETE)

Pt 01 | Pt 02 | Pt 03

NXX Mystery Theater: Once Upon (Several) Midnights Dreary - A lead brings the NXX Investigations Team to a small coastal island. Several nights, each bringing with it its own mystery.

Pt 01 | Pt 02 | Pt 03 | Pt 04

Come, let us watch the world burn - Sequel to 100 flowers for the love that I have lost (COMPLETE)

Pt 01 | Pt 02

NXX deals with her overwork (NSFW) - Situational Shorts where each NXX boy helps Rosa deal with work stress. One of them is the problem, however (COMPLETE)

Pt 01 | Pt 02 | Pt 03 | Pt 04

Entrapped - series of smutty NSFW fansequels for Vyn's cards, with their own sort of continuity

Pt 01 Layers | Pt 02 House Call | Pt 03 Invitation | Pt 04 Hot Summer | Pt 05 Straddling, Mounting, Riding | By the Fireplace

NXX goes to hell, literally - Rosa kicks the NXX boys out of Headquarters after finally having had enough of their infighting, forcing them to go into a "team building" activity to get their shit together {COMPLETE}

Day 00 | Day 01 | Day 02 | Intermission: Night 03 | Day 03 | Day 3.5 | Day 4

Weekend Lessons with Dr. Richter (NSFW): On Love, Sex, and Apologies - Direct sequel to NXX goes to hell, literally. Vyn and Rosa learn about the dynamics of their relationship in the wake of something unnecessarily catastrophic. (COMPLETE)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 03 | Part 04

NXX: Three Men and a Little Lily - Vyn and Rosa are whisked off to the separate overseas business trips, leaving Marius, Artem, and Luke to watch over their darling little princess, five-year-old Lily.

Part 1 | Part 2

NXX on Valentine's Day - Situational fics where each NXX boy takes Rosa on a date on Valentine's Day. Spicy stuff happens, as usual.

Part 1 (Vyn)

NXX Shenanigans

When it's that time of the month - NXX men trying to take care of Rosa during her period...in their own ways

Operation: Rosa - NXX dudes (sans Artem) in a ride or die situation for their little darling lawyer...just kidding. Someone just needed their ass kicked.

Under the influence (NSFW) - Rosa encounters each NXX colleague with their choice of drink. Ofc its NSFW

The bet - Marius is confident his know-it-all tutor will be wanting to learn how to paint

Sugar Sweet Nightmare (NSFW) - Rosa is having too much work stress, causing frequent sexual dreams. This is one of them.

On uncertainty - Artem learns too late of things that matter

Cotton, garters, lace, silk (NSFW) - NXX men gifting Rosa different sorts of lingerie. Including non-lingerie items.

NXX on their tendencies (NSFW) ...on lovemaking

Share a bed with NXX: (sorta) Platonic Edition - Rosa shares a bed with each NXX boys who try their hardest to keep it platonic. Kind of.

Teacher and student (NSFW) - Threesome with Vyn and Marius

CBT (or, context is important) - NXX meeting touches on the most context-dependent acronym: CBT. Also, Marius outs himself in a most spectacular fashion.

Under the emergency lights (NSFW) - Vyn, Marius, Rosa get trapped in the conference room for 12 hours. Things get... Well.

NXX on Boyfriend Shirts (NSFW- Part 1) - Luke and Vyn let Rosa borrow their shirts. Spicy things follow.

NXX on Boyfriend Shirts (NSFW - Part 2) - It is Marius's and Artem's turn to lend Rosa their shirts. Spicy things happen as before.

Asks

Operation: Rosa follow up - Describes how the rest of NXX reacts after Rosa gets into a dangerous situation

Vyn on 34+35 (NSFW) - Rosa has a tendency to sing out loud her LSS when undergoing too much work stress. Too bad Dr. Richter is having his own stress that he needs to deal with as well

Unfair (NSFW) - Luke is exasperated with how insanely stubborn and clueless his Watson can get.

Marius on 34+35 - Marius saves his damsel in distress, but said damsel in distress has to pay for it with her dignity (It's fluff)

Apple Pie (NSFW)- Rosa pushes Vyn a little bit too far. A strategically-placed pie keeps the others from discovering them.

Under the influence ~ reverse (NSFW)- Rosa tries to seduce each NXX men while inebriated. Not all attempts are successful.

The Hunt - Lady Rosa of the Hunter's Guild is tasked to hunt down Duke Vilhelm de Haspran (AU)

Scorched Earth Offensive (NSFW) - Rosa is just done with how the rest of NXX is treating Vyn.

Owl and Plank - The Viscount's daughter Rosa is a firebrand who is famous for rejecting suitors. Why is she accepting Vilhelm de Haspran on the spot? (AU)

100 flowers for the love that I have lost. - Vyn put through the wringer after Rosa suffers retrograde amnesia, erasing all of her memories of their romantic relationship

NXX gets some service (NSFW) - Rosa is on a mission to know each of her four colleagues on a more intimate basis.

Darling, shall we? (NSFW) - Trying to raise a family has its pleasures.

Share a bed with NXX (NSFW Edition) - Things are no longer platonic. The boys now show their kinks.

The beauty in his movements - Marius x Vyn. Marius is pretty obsessed with his beautiful tutor.

Awake (NSFW) - Sexsomnia is a thing. Marius x Vyn.

Layers (NSFW) - Smutty sequel to Lingering Warmth. Caveat - Written while boozed up. Author not sure if it makes sense.

Treatment (NSFW) - Rosa is suffering from nightmares that cause distress; Dr. Vyn Richter comes to the rescue.

[fangirleaconmigo]

A couple of years ago I not only orphaned but deleted all my Star Wars fic in a bit of a fit, and I've regretted it every time I've thought about it since.

Thank you Nonny, for sharing your experience.

I can definitely see how how that would happen. I have that urge so bad sometimes. It’s born out of self loathing and it isn’t rational (at least not for me) so I don’t do it. I can’t assume what you were going through, of course, so this is just me, but

When I have that urge to scorch earth my writing it’s like…I recognize it. I have had to live with my own mental health for many many many years. So when I start feeling like this deep deep just…antipathy (I like that word) or hostility towards my own work I’m like woah woah woah buddy. This is a You Problem. (To myself. It’s a me problem)

It kind of reminds me telling a therapist once, with what I thought was perfect logic, why I had no reason to be proud of myself or to feel positively about myself at all. She was like ok but one one question:

“Would you be proud of your friend who had just accomplished or created this thing?”

“Well. Yes of course.”

“And what makes you so special that you don’t deserve the same?”

And I had a little lightbulb moment that helps me all the time now. This sounds funny but I remind myself all the time that I’m just some guy. I’m not special.

Self loathing is so self obsessed. Why would I be worse than anyone else? Why am I so worthy of special hostility or disgust or anything else?! I’m not! I’m just a regular schmegular person.

Idk that probably sounds weird that this helps me 😂 but anyway. So when I am convinced that my writing and everything that I create is uniquely terrible, I go oh…you’re doing that thing again. Take a breath, girl. And maybe a few steps back.

So I’ve been taking a writing break and talking to friends irl about writing and asking them what they’re doing and noticing how much their joy about their work strengthens me.

And I’ll probably go back to writing tomorrow. I’m about there.