#and now it feels like Twitter is dying a natural death and I don’t have to worry about abandoning everything bc it’s all dead anyways

[adxmanial]

the death of Twitter has brought me peace tbh

[dreamcatcherrs]

can u do streamers with a plus size reader? ty i love ur fics ♡

+ reminder! every body type is beautiful in its own way, and I’m sure that all of the mcyts would want to date a person of any size! hope you enjoy<3

++ I also added a couple of insecurities that are common for a lot of people cause I felt like it ^-^

dating a plus size reader; mcyt x reader

dream:

dream is an absolute softie for you

he will literally carry you anywhere you go

even if you insist for him not to

he just lifts you up into his arms and runs off with you

as I’ve mentioned before, he loves squishy places of the body

especially the booty ;)

so expect a lot of grabbing whenever he’s near you (with your consent, of course)

always tells you how amazing you look

even if you’re only wearing sweatpants and a basic tee and feel like absolute shit

and he would definitely have you pose for pictures of his merch

georgenotfound:

he loves resting his head on you

uses your chest as his personal pillow

he thinks it’s absolutely crazy how you’re able to make every outfit look good

like, you could wear a plastic bag and still look like a model to him

you two go out to eat fast food at the most random times

some days midnight, some days at 5am

admires your confidence

sapnap:

THIGHS THIGHS THIGHS

he loves your thighs sooo much and always has his hands (or eyes) on them

he almost holds your thigh more than your hand

and he just thinks you’re so gorgeous and can’t believe he can call you his

but when he finds out you don’t think so, his mind is blown

like... what?

are you blind????

he tells you how “you’re so fucking hot” every day until you start thinking so yourself

badboyhalo:

loves baking cakes with you

and makes sure you’re always well fed

he absolutely adores your stretch marks!

he loves just tracing his fingers over the lines

following them around with his fingertips

and gets very focused about it to a point where he stops listening to you talk

he makes sure you never feel down about something as natural as stretch marks

and makes sure to kiss every place you're insecure about

technoblade:

techno literally doesn't care what you look like

he only cares if you're happy, cause he really hates seeing you sad

especially when he can't do anything about it

so when he catches you one day looking at yourself in the mirror with a look of disgust 

his heart crumbles in his chest

sits you down to talk about it

and gets more touchy afterwards along with spurring out compliments more often

wilbur soot:

wilby is also a big sucker for thighs

he’s not super grabby, but he gets his point across;

that he absolutely loves every part of your body

to be honest, like techno, I see wilbur as someone who literally does not care what you look like

if he likes you, he’ll love the way you look either way

he is very appreciative of soft, fleshy parts of your body

that he can just cling onto when he wants

jschlatt:

fuck, does schlatt love to have you on his lap

like he might not come across as someone who’s cuddly

but I’m telling you

he is super cuddly

he just wants someone to hold and to be held by

he needs that physical touch and he just can't seem to keep his hands off of you

he’ll tell you “you look so stupid right now”, laugh, and then give you a big ol’ bear hug

jokes aside, he makes sure you know just how dizzyingly beautiful you look 24/7

corpse husband:

fishnets, legs, fishnets, legs

even if you don't like wearing fishnets, he’s just all; legs, grab, thighs, squish

no but seriously he loves your legs so much

they just catch his attention and immediately make him go soft

without you doing anything you’ll just hear him giggle at you

and then realise he’d been looking at you for a hot minute, just taking in how absolutely stunning you look

and he doesn't fail to let you know that :)

karl jacobs:

like wilbur, I think he just genuinely doesn't care and loves you regardless of what you look like

we all know that karl’s way of showing affection is through touch

so he loves cuddling up to you

using your chest as a pillow and engulfing you in his arms

and he’ll be whining within a second if you even a much as try to move away from him

something he doesn't realise he does, but you do, is that he will just randomly hold on tight to a certain part of your body

even if you're just talking

his hands will be on you without him even noticing

and it’s really cute

skeppy:

I’ve mentioned this before, but I think that skeppy really likes the way skirts look on you

or tight-fitting jeans

anything that compliments your body, really

though he does like the way you look without any clothes on

anyways, he fucking loves your body so much

and any person who thinks differently is not his friend

he’s always hugging you

or brushing his knuckles over your arms lovingly

small touches are his forté

fundy:

he can never seem to keep his eyes off of you

no matter how hard he tries, you’re just too gorgeous

isn’t the touchiest of the boys, but when he’s in the need for some physical touch, he’s very obvious about it

will start off by holding your hand

and then maybe move onto hugging you from behind

comes off pretty clingy once he needs that love and affection

he just loves touching you; maybe cause your skin is soft? he’ll never tell you (it’s his little secret)

quackity:

MMMME GUSTAAA

he looooooves loves loves  how, and I quote, “thicc you are”

and he gets so clingy, too

makes grabby hands at you if he needs to to catch your attention

and definitely, without a doubt, uses your chest as his personal pillow

he’s also a squisher

your thigh’s kinda become his little stress toy

alex will fully commit to being a complete simp for you - he does not care at this point

can get blushy sometimes when he catches himself looking at you for too long

punz:

if you thought that sapnap would be wild when it comes to thighs, let me introduce you to this man

luke is a massive sucker for some thick thighs

and don't even get me started on the flesh on your hips

he lowkey has an addiction to constantly keeping his hands on there, but it’s not like you mind

it’s like his hands are glued onto you sometimes

holding on tightly or gently, doesn't matter

and sometimes he’ll even get lost in the way his fingers dig into your skin

can't fathom the fact that you're all his

awesamdude:

sam is literally the cutest🥺

gives you compliments all the time

and literally always has a hand on you to gently caress your skin

and he is always gentle with his touches

and I mean always

drawing circles onto your back or arm using his thumb

placing small kisses on your temple

he always posts pictures of you on his instagram and twitter

has like one or two pictures of himself, and the rest are of you :]

slimecicle:

literally smothers you with love and affection

he loves the little dents in your thighs from cellulite

finds it sooo attractive

loves to trace his fingers over the dents

notices immediately if there are changes in your eating habits

and will confront you the second he notices cause he can't bare the thought of you eating less than usual

makes sure it never happens again

eret:

they have a special seat for you right on his lap

if you were comfortable with it she’d love for you to sit with them in his streams

SHOWERS you with compliments

constantly

and leaves trails of kisses everywhere

even if you whine about it being too much or distracting you

he ignores it and continues

can't believe she’s ended up with such a god/dess as you

jack manifold:

jack was completely shocked when he found out you were insecure about your body

what was there to be insecure about?

to his eyes you were completely perfect, and he just couldn’t understand how… you couldn’t see that?

makes sure you now how absolutely stunning you are

can't help but to show you off to everyone (he is a leo after all)

and also let’s his hands roam all over you - with your consent, of course!

adores you so much

tommy:

tommy had seriously never thought of it before you’d said that you didn’t want a piece of cake after he asked

and he goes; why?????

and you’re like; I shouldn't eat it

and he’s even more ???

doesn't know what why or when you decided you “shouldn't” do something as normal as eating

it’s so very obvious how soft he is for you when it’s just the two of you

and even succumbs to his soft side in front of others if he gets too caught up in your beauty

tubbo:

tubbo just… doesn't care

like, at all

but of course he notices the absolute beauty of you, and will simp for you

doesn't shower you with compliments, but gives subtle signs

a common one is squeezing your hand

or calling you cute or adorable

brushing a strand of hair out of your face

simplicity is his thing

ranboo:

lots of hugsss

unintentionally squeezes too hard so you have to tap his shoulder 

and he just giggles

he likes resting his head on practically any part of your body

cause you're so comfy

wants to constantly fondle you in his arms

he’s become so used to clinging to you, it’s just by instinct at this point

____________________________________

tag list✰

@zayenz @terribletoothbat @0t0n1n @0125cm @yukiuheh @shinee-is-5-forever @regularnoceur @b01nk-b0w@christhebish@nutritious-emo-crackkk@bookishreid@giavanna-707 @reddiesmcdonalds@cosmins@vixxzial@autumnpleaves@paradigmax@meaganjm@shiningsunrises@moralofwalls@username1212131@gxldentaestuff@innitdream @televisionpresent38 @bubblyanis@zurami @highoffhockey @popinjaytaylor@196os@livsbaby@doubts-of-gold@bunlina@retrav @mcyt-is-my-life@aleaisntcreative @my-shitpost-of-writing @my-shitpost-of-writing @clownsdrowning @pissbabywastaken@shiningsunrises @tie-dyed-dumbass @death-by-rats@simpfordraco @bippity-boppity-boopa@neongreendaydreams  @vibin-by-myself@littlepotatos0w0@christhebish @pipp-poppz@btsiguess-kpop@prettysmallfries@hiyoko-kos@kenmxskitten@fudrudy@weepingartanimespy@rhino-zucchini@goldenstarofthunderclan@melonmarz@ubeicecreamisthebest@polaroidinurroom @ady-yoo@isimpforeveryone@edenhollandd@ineedtogetoutofhere@glitter-night @hamilsandersfam@mothheart-witch @wrong-exit@trashcanfullofdork  @hellfirepheonixx @marshmallow-babe@isimpforeveryone @ky50621 @randomcloud@wormie4k@dinonuggies50  @p4rty-t4ttoos@aspenthegremlin@book-of-anarchy @jeyacore @thetattooink@gogywasfound@millavalntyne@junob1ade@ubeicecreamisthebest@karida @i-have-paws-love@drvgonraja@eatasslikegrass@creamofweep@venusomega@lunarfedora@rowe-n @wreny24 @vincent-stargogh @floatingplanets​ @vernon-dursley​ @childhoodgrunge​ @fivxss @hexagonclash​ @crazyjuls12​ @littlebabysandboxburritos @shifted-dreams@lenamarie666 @reinyrei @sozvuchiy @weaslvy-mxlfoy​ @aiofheavenandhell​ @honeyglaazed @carisle-mikealson​ @ineedtogetoutofhere​ @twist3dtinkerbell@cracraforfandoms@angel-dazey @leia-starly @smiithys​ @squiddyyyy​ @c0wc0ww​ @animeweeb019284​ @m00-bl00m-k0le @stqrs-thoughts @jenlouvre @uhhhguiltypleasures​ @trappedchest​ @punzrights​ @trashgremlin36​ @cyberrsoot​ @elebeleb​ @k3nn3dis-crap​ @karlshoodies​ @rascal-in-banishment​ @heartbroken-writer​ @bartok-the-magnificent​ @ihavenoideashelp​ @goldiefox1​ @bethybop​ @helluhru​ @venuzblr​ @pha5ed5tar50 @cscooop​  @bethybop @lunareclipse-13 @http-strawberryy 

[gunterfan1992]

Episode Review: ‘Together Again’ (Distant Lands, Ep. 3)

Airdate: May 20, 2021

Story by: Jack Pendarvis, Kate Tsang, Hanna K. Nyström, Christina Catucci, Jesse Moynihan, Adam Muto

Storyboarded by: Hanna K. Nyström, Anna Syvertsson, Iggy Craig, Maya Petersen, Serena Wu

Directed by: Miki Brewster (supervising), Sandra Lee (art)

Across Adventure Time’s ten season run, the show explored a bevy of “mature” themes and story ideas—topics, like love, sexuality, depression, and grieving. The show also touched upon death, but the emphasis was usually placed on the emotional toll of a loved one dying, not really what happens when you die. We knew there were Dead Worlds and Death. We knew that there was reincarnation. But how does it all fit together? What does it mean? How does it work?

With “Together Again,” we finally have many of the answers.

This special opens with a marvelous fake-out episode simply called “Finn & Jake,” that sees the two steal a magical cartoon of 50-flavor ice cream before rescuing Turtle Princess and LSP from the clutches of the villainous Ice King. This is all deliberately anachronistic and over the top. Ice King is back to his season one ways, Finn has both arms, and he is still wielding his golden sword that he lost in season two’s “The Real You.” There’s lolrandom dialogue and silly monsters; it’s like a parody of seasons 1-2. But then, this adventure starts to get all wonky, and in time Finn realizes that he is in a some sort of trance or illusion: one that ends with Jake being buried in the ground. Suddenly, Finn awakens from his reverie. He’s an old man. And he’s dead. We’re then presented with a new title card that lets us know the episode is actually called “Finn & Jake Are Dead.”

Holy Glob! They actually went there.

Turns out Jake died years before Finn, so naturally Finn is super excited to see his best bud. But something’s wrong—he cannot find Jake!! They planned to spend eternity together. But all that Finn can find is his very own psychopomp, Mr. Fox (voiced by Tom Herpich, whose purposefully stilted line readings are the epitome of delightful). Finn rightfully assumes that Jake is in a different Dead World, and so, being the ball of spunk and energy that he is, he demands to meet with Death, only to discover that there’s a New Death in town (voiced by Chris Fleming). The episode eventually explains that New Death was the son of Death and Life, and after New Death killed his father, he became the sovereign of the afterlife. New Death hates his job and decides to just blow up all the Dead Worlds so he doesn’t have to deal with it all. (I won’t get too much into the details here, because there would be a lot of story to parse out.)

Finn soon learns that Jake has reached nirvana in the 50th Dead World, where there is nothing but peace and serenity. Finn nevertheless tracks down Jake, pulls him from paradise, but in doing so, accidentally lets New Death in, who promptly obliterates Elysium, sending all the enlightened souls—including those from different levels of the afterlife—to the 1st Dead World. This gronks up the afterlife, temporarily halting the reincarnation process.

Well, Finn and Jake are rightfully ticked, and so they haunt the material plane looking for Princess Bubblegum. She’s not home (more on that later), but Peppermint Butler is! After Ghost Finn and Ghost Jake explain the situation, Peppermint Butler tells them what to do: They need to find Life and explain the situation. The duo manage just that, and Life is rightfully angry that her kid has stopped the transmigration of souls. After Life gives Finn a McGuffin sword that can hurt Death, Finn and Jake return to his abode. A brawl ensues wherein we learn that New Death has been possessed… by none other than that spirit of the Lich.

That’s right, it’s the Lich! He’s back, and boy is he evil.

The Lich explains that by possessing Death, he can destroy the afterlife, thereby destroying a key aspect of reality. Naturally, Finn and Jake are not cool with this, and they engage in combat. After Mr. Fox grabs the McGuffin sword and uses it to annihilate the Lich and New Death, he is proclaimed the New New Death and sets everything right. Finn is slated to be reincarnated, and Jake is slated to return to the 50th Dead World where he and Finn will one day be reunited. As Finn is pulled into the wheel of souls, Jake suddenly decides to go back with Finn, too, “Just for fun.” The episode ends with a card letting us know that the episode is neither called “Finn & Jake” nor “Finn & Jake Are Dead.” Instead, it is “Finn and Jake Are Together Again.”

As they say, “And there wasn’t a dry eye in the place.”

If you were to tell me several years ago that the last episode to star Finn and Jake would revolve around them dying, I think I would’ve been upset. Not simply sad, but rather frustrated because “they all died” can feel like a cheap ending. But with “Together Again,” it all works. And a large reason that it works is because the show goes all in with their ideas. Finn and Jake don’t magically leap back into their old life (no, no, they very much do bite the dust). Instead, the special emphasizes the cyclical nature of life through the transmigration of souls. The episode ends with a beautiful scene of Finn and Jake, bound together as soul-brothers, being reborn into a new, mysterious (possibly Ooo 1000+?) world. It’s both aesthetically and emotionally pleasing; it doesn’t feel off the way over finales might. This is right. This is the way life works. “Round and round as nature goes,” and all that jazz.

I loved the series explanation of how death works. It seems that souls land in a specific Dead World, where they ‘marinate’ for a bit, presumably being rewarded or punished based on their life in our meat reality. After a time, they are then reborn. This process repeats, with each soul reaching higher and higher levels of enlightenment until they hit nirvana, which is the 50th Dead World. So in a sense, Adventure Time has a roughly Buddhist cosmology with a dash of Greco-Roman mythos thrown in for flavor. (As to what happens after a soul stays in the 50th Dead World for a long period is anyone’s guess, but I’d speculate that when all the souls in the multiverse have been purified and land in the 50th Dead World, they will all collapse into one another and form one perfect Monad. Perhaps this is the sphere of perfection that the beings who merged into Matthew thought they were connecting to? Who knows! It’s anyone’s guess!) I was a little disappointed that we didn’t get to see who Death, Prismo, Life, etc.’s boss was, but perhaps that’s a mystery better left up to the imagination!

One minor thing that I loved about this special was the number of characters who made cameos as well as all the callbacks that were made to previous episodes. Regarding the former: Finn and Jake’s canine family show up (including the oft-forgotten Jermaine!), as do Tree Trunks and her myriad husbands. Tiffany plays a major role in all these shenanigans as a “death cop” of all things. There is a delightful rogues gallery stuck in the 1st Dead World (including, among others, Maja, Sharon from “The Gut Grinder,” and Wyatt). In the 50th we find Ghost Princess and Clarence happily at peace next to Booshy, the weird spirit mentioned in the Pen Ward classic “High Strangeness.” As far as callbacks go, perhaps my favorite is the clap (from “James Baxter the Horse”) that Jake taught to Finn in case they ever do get separated in the afterlife. And of course, there are myriad references made to “Death in Bloom,” the episode that planted the seed for what this would grow into.

Going into the special suspecting that it would involve Death, I was curious how they were going to handle Miguel Ferrer’s character. (In case a reader is not aware, Ferrer played Death in episodes like “Death in Bloom” and “Betty,” but he sadly passed away a few years ago). The producers’ choice to feature him in a non-speaking cameo—despite playing a relatively significant role in the story—was wise; I’m not sure if I can articulate the exact reasons, but something about his role felt appropriate and not gross, as some post-mortem memorials can be. Speaking of which, the wonderful, lovely Polly Lou Livingston was featured for the last time in this episode as Tree Trunks, happily in heaven with her literal harem of husbands. It was funny, it really was, and I’m sure that Polly Lou would’ve gotten a kick out of seeing it on screen. (Also, this is a pro-Tree Trunks safe space. Any Tree Trunks haters will be chucked into the 1st Dead World with Wyatt.)

The biggest mystery in this whole thing, for me at least, is the question of Princess Bubblegum and Marceline. Several years ago, I wrote an essay about what could’ve happened to them in the Ooo 1000+ universe. I speculated that they peaced out and left Ooo behind. In this special, neither Bubblegum nor Marceline are to be found in the Candy Kingdom—Peppermint Butler seems to be the one in charge, given that he is now wearing Bubblegum’s crown. Likewise, the duo aren’t anywhere in the Dead Worlds either. Maybe the two of them skipped town and got a duplex in the Nightosphere? Who knows… I just want my favorite gals to be OK!

All things considered, “Together Again” was a marvel: An episode that managed to feel like a series finale even more than “Come Along with Me” already did without taking away from the series itself. An episode that managed to make the idea of dying funny. An episode that brought back the Lich in a way that wasn’t forced. An episode that made Mr. Fox the New New Death. An episode that gave us a beautiful ending to Finn and Jake’s story… as well as the beautiful beginning to a new one. I said it on Twitter, and I’ll say it again here: “Together Again” was the end of a sentence in a book with infinite pages. Truly, the fun will never end.

Mushroom War evidence: Everything takes place in the Dead Worlds, so not really. Perhaps a more eagle-eyed viewer can inform us...

Final Grade: That’s right, I’m gonna do it...

Post-script, I actually messaged Jesse Moynihan to ask about his writing credit. He told me that it was for an unused story idea that he had developed. I’m not certain, but I’ll bet it was a part of the cancelled TV movie they were trying to make during season 5, since that would’ve seen Finn and Orgalorg journey to the various Dead Worlds.

[teamfreewill2pointo]

Sam’s Emotional Arc 1/3

I hated the finale immediately, but I’ve spent some time with it and talked to friends who loved it. I can see now what it was about, and I’ve come to appreciate the story they were trying to tell, even if I think it didn’t land right.

I’ve been told that my meta on this has helped other people come to terms with the finale, so I thought I’d compile it in one place from across various discord channels and twitter posts. If you are struggling with the finale, I hope it helps you.

Part of this actually started with a shit post. I was making a joke about Sam being psychic since he was scared of clowns when Dean died by one. I realized that may have been deliberate. I dug into the story more and now I’m convinced it was. Then I came across some excellent meta that fit with the themes I was finding and opened up the series even more for me.

Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.

Cas said it. Dean accepted it. Sam lived it. First, Sam’s journey. 

Clowns pop up in s15 before the barn scene. In 15.01, which was written by Dabb, Sam is injured by a clown. Castiel is able to save Sam and heal his injury. The clown keeps coming after Sam, with Sam having fight scenes with the clown, while others attack the other ghosts. The clown is kicking the shit out of Sam again, and Castiel saves him once more. Sam is unable to fight off the clown on his own both times.

They run until they are able to escape outside a magical barrier. Sam turns to the clown and says, “shut up”. 

This is literally Sam running from his fears. On top of that, this isn’t just any clown, but the ghost of John Wayne Gacy, from an episode also written by Dabb.

Dean: A serial killer clown. I mean, this is, like, the best/worst thing that’s ever happened to you, you know, ‘cause you love serial killers, but – but you hate clowns.

Sam gets nervous and struggles with the lighter before he’s able to get rid of the clown, for now.

I believe this is a metaphor for hunting in general: it’s both the best of Sam’s life and also the worst. The clowns symbolize his relationship with Dean.

Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie was co-written by Dabb (see the pattern?). Sam’s fear of clowns was known since season 2. In season 7, Dabb explored where this fear came from.

On the surface, Sam’s fear is just because he found them creepy, but the episode explains that they actually come from Sam’s fear of being left behind by Dean.

This episode comes directly after an episode where Sam worried that Dean would get himself killed

Sam: Look... Dean, the thing is, tonight... It almost got you killed. Now, I don't care how you deal. I really, really don't. But just don't – don't get killed. Dean: I'll do what I can. Sam: Well, what's that supposed to mean? Dean: It means I'll do what I can. All right? You can shut up about it.

Sam is dealing with Hallucifer at this moment, but Hallucifer doesn’t really scare him. Losing Dean does.

Sam has a conversation with an employee about greatest fears.

Recognize the actress? She came back for s15 in 15.06. I don’t believe this was a coincidence. 15.06 featured Castiel helping a parent find their lost child in a season that features Castiel worried about losing Jack. Through his experience with her, Castiel confronts his fears and doubts and then returns to join in the fight against God. [I’ll touch on Castiel’s journey more in his chapter]

Sam’s greatest fear is losing Dean. There’s a lot in the series about how Sam felt lonely and abandoned for much of his childhood. A whole episode, Just My Imagination, centers around this. Sam hated when Dean went off on hunts without him.

source In The Chitters, Sam tells Dean how his fear of losing his family paralyzed him as child. It’s a story where an older brother dies and the younger brother never recovers from it until he’s able to lay him to rest (sound familiar???)

Sam: You know, whenever you and Dad used to leave me to go hunting, and I-and I wouldn’t hear from y’all for a while, I, um, I was always sure that some vamp or rugaru, or take your pick, I always figured one of them finally got ya. I tried to think what to do, you know, the next step to take. I was just lost. Dean: We came back, though, every time.

You might naturally think, “Wait a minute! Sam left Dean multiple times!” Honestly, this was something I had a huge issue with when watching through the show the first time. I didn’t understand Sam and hated him leaving Dean in s8. I was completely on Dean’s side at first. But, on multiple rewatches and talking to others, I’ve realized that when Sam left Dean, he was running from his fear. In this TV Guide interview, Jared perfectly sums up why Sam left in season 1; he couldn’t stand to see his family die. Dabb wrote Dark Side of the Moon along with a comic that explains why Sam left in detail. While the comic isn’t official canon, it shows Dabb’s thought process. In it, Sam sees his family as running towards a horrible end and can’t handle dealing with that.

Dean: So what are you gonna do? You're just gonna live some normal, apple pie life? Is that it? Sam: No. Not normal. Safe.

There are many more points in the series where we learn about Sam’s fear of Dean dying. This would be 3948573945 pages long if I wrote them all out, so I’m going to focus on the key moments that loop back to this ending, but there’s so much more there.

If you are struggling with this and need more, please let me know and I can do a deeper dive into that subject. We first see Sam’s inability to let Dean go in season 1 when Sam refuses to let Dean die in Faith.

Dean: You're not gonna let me die in peace, are you? Sam: I'm not gonna let you die, period. We're going.

Sam’s whole arc in s3 is him being unable to handle Dean dying. He wants to save Dean, but Dean won’t let himself be saved. This was what Gabriel was trying to teach him in Mystery Spot.

Trickster: This obsession to save Dean? The way you two keep sacrificing yourselves for each other? Nothing good comes out of it. Just blood and pain. Dean's your weakness. And the bad guys know it, too. It's gonna be the death of you, Sam. Sometimes you just gotta let people go.

This is how Ruby gets under Sam’s skin and what gets him to start working with her. Everything Sam did was to save Dean. In s4, Sam’s arc is about him sacrificing himself in order to save Dean. He’s gutted from being unable to save Dean. In 4.12, Sam decides to drink demon blood in order to save Dean

Dean: [says that they will die early] Sam: Maybe we'll be different, Dean. Dean: What kind of Kool-Aid you drinking, man? Sammy, it ends bloody or sad. That's just the life. Sam: What if we could win?Dean: "Win"?Sam: If there was a way we could just...put an end to all of it.

When Sam breaks out of the panic room, he’s suicidal. He’s determined to save Dean with his life as the cost he’s willing to pay. He didn’t think he would survive killing Lilith. He was committing suicide in that moment. The reason why Sam is so willing to sacrifice himself in s5 is because he has low self esteem. He blames himself for everything that goes wrong. In Sam, Interrupted 5.11, also by Dabb, Sam has a breakdown under the weight of his guilt. He hates himself and he feels his rage is out of control. In season 6, we see soulless Sam and, unlike souled Sam, he has no rage. Yes, he’ll kill when necessary, but he’s not angry. It was Sam’s fear driving his rage. He felt out of control of his life and let it lead him down a dark path. In season 7, he sees Dean heading down a dark path and he feels helpless to stop it. He worries about dragging Dean down and tells Dean to let him go. But, at the same time, he’s developing coping techniques. He’s starting to face his fears. 

And then Dean disappears and Sam completely falls apart. Sam didn’t have a healthy relationship with Amelia. They were two broken people clinging to each other. Sam and Dean struggle to reconnect after their time apart. There’s a lot of text addressing the horror of a partner dying and people trying to escape from it.

Mrs Holmes: He could see the end of my days were at hand, and... He had lived centuries all alone, but I don't think he could bear the thought of life without me. That's why he drove off that bridge. You must think I'm a monster.

In Hunteri Heroica written by GUESS WHO!?!? Sam finally acknowledges that he was living in a dream world with Amelia. He was running from his past. We see a flash back with Sam pressing on his scar, which he did to help himself distinguish fantasy from reality.

The episode is about a man refusing to engage in reality and harming those around him. Sam has a big confrontation with him

Sam: Look, it can be nice living in a dream world. It can be great. I know that. And you can hide, and you can pretend... all the crap out there doesn't exist, but you can't do it forever because... eventually, whatever it is you're running from – it'll find you. [CASTIEL appears to be taking Sam’s words to heart.] It'll come along, and it'll punch you in the gut. And then... then you got to wake up, because if you don't, then trying to keep that dream alive will destroy you! It'll destroy everything!

Likewise, when Sam was with Jessica, he wasn’t honest about himself. He was hiding from his family and his past. Running to avoid pain. Sam is avoidant in general. Not just in his relationship with Dean. When he talks with Rowena in 13.12 Various & Sundry Villains about his fears of Lucifer, he admits that he could talk about it with Dean, but he can’t bring himself to.

Sam: I’ve seen it too. What he really looks like behind – behind whatever vessel. It… Yeah, still keeps me up at night. Rowena: How do you deal with it? Sam: I guess I don’t deal with it. Not really. I mean, I pushed it down and, um, the world kept almost ending, so I keep pushing it down, and I don’t know. [stammering] I really don’t talk about it, not even with Dean. I mean, I could. You know, he’d listen, but… That’s not something I really know how to share.

In 15.20, Sam’s past is front and center. Literally. I know a lot of people found the Winchester family portrait odd and upsetting, but it symbolizes something I’ll get to in a bit. Instead of trying to avoid his grief, Sam has moments where he lets it wash over him. He goes and sits in the car. He’s no longer avoidant. He’s no longer running away. He’s letting his grief move through him. He’s literally sitting with it.

Soulless Puppy pointed out that the characters emotional arcs is similar to DBT. Please look through their awesome meta here.

Personally, I see them as similar to the therapy I do called ACT. Both are forms of therapy where instead of fighting against them, you accept painful emotions and allow yourself to feel them. If you don’t do that work, then you can’t stop feeling them and your fears/ghosts will always haunt you.  In Swan Song, Chuck tells us that “Dean didn't want Cas to save him. Every part of him, every fiber he's got, wants to die, or find a way to bring Sam back. But he isn't gonna do either. Because he made a promise.”  In 15.20, Sam initially didn’t want to let Dean go. He’s been refusing to do this since season 1. When he’s separated from Dean he lives a fake life or destroys himself/the world trying to get Dean back. There’s a moment in 15.20 where Sam looks at Dean’s guns. He wants to commit suicide, but he makes the choice to live. For the time in Sam’s life, he let Dean go and lived with his pain. He no longer ran from it. After Swan Song, Dean was unable to let Sam go. He wanted him back. After Carry On, Sam is able to do what Dean couldn’t do. He lives a life outside of Dean. What’s more, Sam has reconciled himself with his past and his family. It’s clumsy and I wish it were better shown, but having the family portrait and their parents in heaven isn’t meant to excuse the way Sam and Dean were raised. In order to move past the trauma of his relationship with his parents, Sam fully integrates them into his life. In Lebanon, Sam was able to confront and forgive his father. In doing so, he can also forgive himself. Mary asks for forgiveness too, and he grants it to her. He doesn’t forget what happened, but he’s able to move forward and leave the intergenerational cycle of violence. He’s able to raise his son, Dean, the way his brother should have been raised.

Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.

Cas said it. Dean accepted it. Sam lived it.

I can see why people see Sam’s life after Dean as unhappy. I hated it so much because I saw it as horrible and sad the first time through. I had to sit with myself and my emotions first. I think it’s because we’ve been told by society that we have to get rid of our grief in order to be happy. The finale was showing us that it’s possible to do the opposite. [Personally I think it would’ve been better had they showed more overtly happy memories, but many of my friends saw this straight away] When I began therapy, one of the first things I learned was that there aren’t “negative” emotions. When working with our kids, we call them Big emotions. In DBT/ACT, all emotions are treated as normal and natural. Grief, anger, sadness, etc, these are all normal parts of the human existence. We don’t need to run from them in order to have happiness. We can live with them. As interstitial said in our chats, “you can't change the past, you can only change your relationship to it. To accept that your past contained both love and heartache, to miss it, but also know you can do better; that's actual recovery, as good as it gets.” As Soulless-Puppy explained to me, Sam lived in duality. Dean was dead, but Sam lived. Sam was happy, but he grieved. Dean was with him in the watch and the car and his son, but Dean also waited for him in heaven. I hated the finale the first time I saw it, then next watched it with my boyfriend who loved it. As we were watching together and discussing it, I realized that Dean’s death scene wasn’t just about him, but about the show itself. 

Dean promising Sam that he will be with Sam in Sam’s heart is also the show promising us that they will never leave it. That’s why Alex kept posting “The end has no end.” Just as Sam carried Dean with him in his heart, we will carry the show with us. I hope this helps. It’s a terrible thing to feel upset about an ending and thinking of the show this way, recognizing these patterns, is bringing me peace. I still have issues with how it was written, but now that I see what they were doing, I wish all the more that they had the chance to do it right. Please share your thoughts and experiences. I love hearing different opinions. Next up, Dean. Then Castiel.

[mariaantonnietta]

Okay, the promised is debt.let"s talk about Gintaka moments!!!

I said a long time ago I was gonna do a compilation of Gintaka/Takagin moments. And I will deliver right now! (op skimmed the jp twitter and is excited/can’t wait to see the movie )

Ok, no, this will be mostly my disorganized headcanons, moments where I can see the ship with my shipper googles on, some paralels? Haha, honestly just to show the ship some love!!!

It’s also my perspective on why I love this ship!!

Of course, I'm going to talk about all the series and go back and fort, so there’s going to be spoilers all around, so if you have not seen the manga end, best skip it.

The rest is under the cut, let’s go!!!!!

So, I started shipping  Gintaka/Takagin  after the Shougun Assasination arc, best  strangled friends story I have ever seen.  I like a lot of Gintoki ships, but it became my favourite really fast. Then, looking back, I noticed these haha:

the first meeting in the show (ep 17). I know it was threatening, but watching it again the fireworks exploded over their heads as they met.Isn’t that  a romantic troupe? (and also in this scene makes Takasugi face scarier, haha). And also how Gintoki stopped Takasugi blade, so obvious for point one that they knew each other.(the interactions here are so painful in retrospective 'When his father saw his son's head, imagine the rage he felt?😭')

(and then there’s also , in the extra episode where the yoroyuza go to China, they help a poor dude with his first date with a girl, and Gintoki comments how the first date  should have fireworks, haha, at the time there were some images on pixiv of child Gintoki and child Takasugi seeing the fireworks together, it was so lovely, good headcanon!)

There's the Senbonsakura arc, and Takasugi appearing at the reunion scene looking at the moon, woah (there's also them crossing paths, but that's more dramatic of the ideologies maybe, still this a shipping post so ' them crossing paths there, the athmosphere of fated (rivals) people!!!')

( ‘They both had sad eyes’)

I like how even as they are different their core is the same, even if not these character are so raw together in their feelings

Let's talk about the movies for a moment: in the movie version of the Benizakura arc, Gintoki dreams with Takasugi, and IDK, but for how haunting it is, it also feels intimate, and that makes it hurt most.

About the second movie when we saw it we didn't know what the hell happened to Takasugi, but looking back he's dead by that time....maybe. (why didn't you give us a clear answer at the end sorachi).Okay but for practical purposes of what the cast knows he's dead (maybe...ahhh let's says it's like that) and well, haha, gintoki of the future dying looking at the sunset haha don't think of him daydreaming things.(When I saw the movie I had the impression that takasugi was dead, for both katsura clothes that are not called as a joke, and future gintoki 'the only one that can kill me is me', if takasugi was alive, he wouldn't let gintoki claim that so hypotrically, that's what I believed.)

There's the mini arc of the underseas dragon palace, (I remembered this one because of takasugi 'monster' form) I'm just gonna said that even if I read too much into ot there are some interesting paralels maaaaaybe, this one is a strech.

Talking about far fetched things, you people remember the Love Chorris arc? The one with the virtual girlfriends game? I think I am not the first person to point this out, but if you analyze Gintoki girl:

Gintoki selects her and (accidentally)kills her son.After that, she is bend of killing him in return in revenge. With his son corpse at her back to haunt him too.

She later confesses to him that she knew he wasn't at fault for her sons death, and that she focused on blaming him to be able to handle the pain, that she's grateful of Gintoki for understanding this.

The spirit of her son aproves their relashionship.

Now tell me this doesn't remain you of someone in particular and his relashionship with gintoki. And this is gintoki mind perspective and hopes, and fears.

(Well it probably isn't that deep, its the chorris arc, but still)

The way you can see Sakamoto’ jokes as a friend teasing because he knows they like each other. The fight when they to a red district gaining another lining.

The rajuko arc, when they exchanged blades to save the other newfound friends/family. The fucking red string of blood that they form together.

In the manga there was the famous saying attributted to takasugi historical counterpart :

'I want to kill all crows in the three thousand world, and sleep in with my heart's master'

This if I remember correctly because crows caw mark the morning, and in a brothel you have to leave.

So the meaning is ' I want to kill all crows in three thousand worlds(so that morning never comes) and sleep/stay in (forever) with my heart' master'

(Of course this could refer to shouyo, but it could be about gintoki, they go directly to meet the other)

It's a famous saying used in songs, I believe.

The part when he doesn’t want to see more rain, its of course because seeing gintoki's crying was imprinted in his mind for so long and influenced how he thinks. He is so important to him!!

And of course the final arc, where they are more open to each other,(the strangled friends are so happy to be together again) both Takasugi who finally let go of that 'burn the world down' and of Gintoki that walks besides him. The way Gintoki looks at Takasugi with a soft expression on his eyes. Matako ' I have never seen before Shinsuke sama with those eyes, I couldn't stop them'

The Glorious Days ending, that's when one (me) realises, 'oh ... this two care about each other and want to save the other' and while it isnt surprising for Gin, it was for Takasugi at the time.Rewatch the openings and endings in general, and see Takasugi place in them. IDK, he is usually the last alone waiting under the moon. And it gets me...cant really explain that.

The radio call, how we couldn’t see gintoki's initial reaction as Takasugi talked to him, gintoki even pretending not knowing (painfully bad) he didn’t know the other voice.

And of course the myriad moments in the final arc, Gintoki promply saying he is the one he wants to protect, the death sequence 'maybe we were just born under that kind of (tragic) star'

Gintoki teading takasugi that his parents would cry if they see the delincuent he is bringing home 🤣🤣.

Fuck, in the spin off Takasugi as a student novel, when he and Gintoki meet they can't keep the skit up, they talk directly to each other.

Also about the special episode, there's another...uh this is more of a paralel, and purely a headcanon, but here it goes: the yorozuya meet with kamui while trying to help a woman about her mother setting her up in blind dates, and in one moment she starts mothering both kamui and kagura and they get, well their eyes are animated different in that moment, and then they start listening to her. They were probably remainded of their own mother. And then I realised that I have seen Kamui make those eyes before (I will look for a pic, it's a very distintive shift), when talking to Takasugi. Is in one op too.

Of course the childhood friends dynamic. Regardless of nature, nobdy can deny the deep connection these two have.

(Here's the image from the op, is less obvios in the ep I think...or I'm overthinking, that's more possible)

Here’s Kamui and Kagura’s eyes when tehy get scold by the mother:

(I’m not crazy, they are similar XD Maybe XD)

I remember thinking to myself at the time 'woah, Kamui shows a admiring expression with takasugi somentimes' and now I fully believe is a childlike more like expression because takasugi reminds him of his mother(subconsiously). I can see the resemblance, especially towards the end of the series. As Gintoki and Umibozuo paralel too(both of them act like Kagura's dads) I just....haha parallel things.

There's a hundred things more, I'm sure I'm forgetting some (may add in a reblog after). All their fucking dialogue with each other is so intense. I I just love this ship sooo much

Totally up to talk about this ship if someone wants to!!

[incarnateirony]

after jared has now confirmed on that podcast that the last scene of the show will just be sam + dean, i hope everyone can stop speculating about cas being there. he is not. (that of course doesnt mean hes not in the ep at all)

For those who WANT to actually listen, you can see it here (https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/jared-padalecki-returns/id1256754097)

While I intend to talk on this statement left by the Nonnie there's a few other things to talk about. For those specifically interested in THIS QUOTE, it’s part “Ten” in my notes.

Before I go on, lemme say, I keep saying Misha *isn’t* in the final *shot.* I can also say *ten thousand times* that “the final shot” is NOT THE SAME THING AS THE “FINAL SCENE.” I don’t know how many times I have to beat this into people’s heads. The “Final scene” may not even BE the final shot because for all you know, the last final scene is something like around scene 50 and the last 10 shots are some Swan Song montage with a dialogue. Scenes are also composed of *multiple shots* on the regular, and *very rarely* shot in order. So actually, it depends on what you even consider a ~scene~ but a shot and a scene are not the same thing. No matter how many times people choose to misunderstand this, this will continue to be true. 

As it is, the board already going up to 47 was high. Not unheard of, but high. I absolutely do not think anybody should be surprised if that’s actually closer to the last 5 minutes of the episode and the next 10+ shots are literal full blown montage. Because once again, and I can not emphasize this enough, they are not teleporting to a bridge at the end of the fucking show. I repeat, they are not, in the last 20-40 seconds, teleporting to a bridge at the end of the fucking show. And they weren’t on that location any other day. 

But I also know this fandom takes anything that’s in shorthand and blows it up into the worst case extremization, so I’m actually going to address this and even tag @curioussubjects and @winchestersingerautorepair and point out that Jared talks about “the last time Sam and Dean see each other” -- so enjoy that. See you on the other side, brother.

Okay so first, as a general note related to everything, that particular podcast is a mess. There is literally 17 minutes of nothing related to Jared at the start. It's a mix of sadness about how he knew a relative was dying, sadness, people's sad facebook messages which I get, losing someone is sad--but then a bunch of nonsense about ads and swag and sponsors. Like to anyone preparing to actually listen, you can skip to about 17 minutes in.

One: Confirmed they started quarantining (J2 at least) on Aug 2. 14 days gave them a few days before filming. But they refused to break quarantine even to walk the dogs to not reset the quarantine period. (This is one of the first things they talk about after the barrage of ads and other things)

Two: Jared has some great insight on how and why to let a dog go. He jumped it a little sooner than I would I think, but he talks about knowing when they're in pain or suffering. He gave assistance to her bad hips and other things through late life but saw when the spark left her and she wanted to go. Someone will probably try to problematize this but as someone that witnessed someone refusing to put down their dog while she spent half of her day having seizures and shitting herself, huffing, being terrified and unable to move, that was impressive. (This starts somewhere around 22 and goes to about 31:30, it's about a ten minute segment.)

Three: after this they actually go into the show, it also lets us know that the podcast is *recorded early on in filming*. It's talking about the first few days he left for filming. This wasn't just-now recorded. This is a few weeks old, like most Inside of You podcasts are.

Four: Jared ignores social media a lot, he confirms.

Five: He goes on having to talk about saying goodbye to a 15 year friend, never having gone more than 5 months without playing Sam, the process of being in the moment. It boils down to staying distanced from social media and your phone to be in the internet, which can actually add to feeling alone. (This may not be true for everyone, but I can definitely see why it feels so for Jared--he admits it's somewhat escapism.) Rosenbaum debates what counts as connection, but Rosenbaum also doesn't deal with a bajillion shitty comments from all his fandom lanes. He uses the podcast as an example, which is entirely different than Jared talking about ignoring twitter or instagram.

(Commercial break at 39 for a counseling/therapy service, runs to about 41 then one for a toothbrush rofl goes to about 43:15, so basically a 4 minute commercial break)

Six: Jared talks about his clinical anxiety impact on the final shooting and everything and why it was so important to have his dog with him during quarantine. He started terrified about it but got 4-5 days in and realized it was great. The wife and kids even considered going with him but he said it was okay and declined. After 45 he goes on complimenting his wife and the work she does at home.

Seven: He goes back to March 12 being the last day of filming back before covid and everyone had to run home on Friday the 13th of March LOL. So Supernatural got cursed on Friday the 13th. Rolling back to everything Gen has to do with the kids and the routine, goes back to talking about her. Talks about being the New Toy from dad being home so much. But then back to August first day of shot as an outdoor shoot. How early it was. So 21pt1 was an outdoor shoot. They continue to go on and on about how hard having kids is, if rewarding, until after 50 minutes. This converts into a conversation with his psychiatrist about his kids, his mom's birthday during social distancing, and all kinds of other commentary. Difference of psychologist vs psychiatrist. Loves sugar cuz he couldn't have it as a kid, etc.

Eight: This bit carries them all the way out past the hour mark. Just before the hour is where the "pain" section from the promo comes from. It turns into mortality and fear of death. Turns into stuff like natural childbirth. So from an hour to 1:03:00 it goes on, then it turns into another ad break that goes to about 1:07:15

Nine: How emotional the ending is, reading the script every day, remembering places start after the 1:07:15 commercial end. First week they shot up the old highway for example. Jared saying goodbye to locations he knows. Very bittersweet. There are no pickup shots because of covid.

Ten: The final scheduled moment, what you're talking about, and Jared tried very very VERY difficultly. (1:08:30 or so) -- he struggles and says "The last time Sam and Dean see each other is the last time Jared and Jensen see each other, if that makes any sense." He refused to say what the last scene was. It will be the last filming camera moments together. Which unto itself uh, hi, yes, welcome to every speculation I ever had, see you on the other side brother. Because it's the last time they see each other.

Eleven: After a bit about being emotional, they talk about Jared’s arrest, the trolling about orange jumpsuits from the crew, and asking what happened. Jared doesn’t even entirely know what happened, says it’s not an excuse, but the cliff’s notes are he was filming in Van, then he flew to Austin, he had a double date with Gen and two friends, he went to his friend’s bar (we alllll know Stereotype), they split some wine, a cocktail, hadn’t eaten, hadn’t slept, bachelorette parties and show fans bought him drinks, he doesn’t know what even happened, he thinks he was blacked out, got pulled down by his hair and thought he was in a fight. He hasn’t had a drink since, he was like absolutely fucking nope. He literally wonders if he was drugged in the drinks he took from other people, but either way, he’s completely stopped drinking. It goes into them settling and actually the people thinking he was drugged, which is why the legal followthrough was light.  This goes out to almost 1:20:00.

Twelve: Around then he goes on about Walker’s pickup period, how and when shooting normally works, and it’s all kinda in the air because of Walker, shortseasons because of covid etc. 

Final question blast:

Supernatural movie?: Jared hopes so

Channel chuck norris?: Make Walker his own, has nothing to do with Chuck’s walker even if he grew up watching it in texas, new character, new story, new era.

Paranormal experiences of his own?: He has seen some things, experienced some things he can’t explain, but as far as specifically, “definitively no but possibly yes.”

Talked with Chuck Norris at all?: Not talked to him directly, their “people” have talked, had to give his blessing though because Chuck Norris co-owned the rights. Part of the EP group and ownership.

If you had a chance, what superhero would you play: He’s heard Nighthawk from fans, he kinda sits there quietly thinking and has a hard time. Screentested for the Superman McG movie in 2004 but didn’t get it.

The car wasn’t in either of their contracts. Jared actually goes on that despite images Jared’s actually the car guy more than Jensen. It wasn’t in either of their contracts but they kinda just knew it was gonna happen. He goes on about his favorite cars, his car books and parts books since he was a kid, etc.

-----------

Following through on this, I HAVE to keep saying. 47/A47 is, I would bet 5 dollars on it right here and anyone that wants to bet against it can leave a comment in the notes so I know who owes who money, Sam and Dean having their final talk already post major resolutions with a few more ends to tie up, saying their pre-goodbyes, and shot 60 is Sam and Dean’s final shot of going separate ways, with Sam on one side and Dean on the other. 

[oneweekoneband]

her Nebraska (1982)

In July I flew to Massachusetts with a plague on, and I felt that it was wrong, but my mother had begged and I’d been out of work for months. Mornings there I ran in long, uneven ovals on the same roads I’d memorized in high school. There’s no sidewalks, but the few feet of dirt between the craggy pavement and the open mouths of the fields serve all right for a single body in motion. When a truck comes up close from behind, the ground shakes, and I step away bouncingly from the street toward thigh-high yellow weeds and grass, and keep going. I was slowly picking my way back in that dirt, sweat-slick from only a plodding couple of miles in peak summer heat, and sucking the wet cotton of my mask in between my teeth on every inhale, when Taylor Swift announced she was releasing a surprise album produced by the guy from The National. Not the guy from The National, like, the voice, but the guy from The National whose photo was circulated on Twitter earlier this year as some kind of antifa super soldier, which isn’t the case, but would’ve been rad. First, I stopped dead to send some outraged, misspelled text messages, and then I ran home faster than I’d moved in years.

Tall, blonde, patrician pop star Taylor Swift is to me something like a cross-between a wife and a boogeyman. Bound we’ve been since we were really children. Time and its changes haven’t rid me of her, and what’s worse is I have never quite been able to wish they would, though I claim as much all the time. Countless hours of my one wild and precious life have been spent on endlessly analyzing the minutiae of Taylor Swift’s music, the mind that made it, the real world events which influenced it. And though all the while I have known she is only a person, and that people, while each strange and lovely in their own ways, are, in the end, mostly dull, needful in just the regular manner, the fantasy is better, the sick dream of a megalomaniac songstress, curious, thrilling, probably evil, and I choose that. I don’t know Taylor Alison Swift, born to this world in, I presume, the usual way. But my Taylor Swift? I’m a renowned expert. I’ve always eaten up stories—movies, music, celebrity news, the one my grandfather tells about falling off his bike once in Ireland as a boy and his face “cracking open like an egg”—like a starved dog. I’m obsessive about my interests, but not inclined to intense fandom, and certainly not fandom in the mode of the stan. For one, I’m too self-absorbed. But caring intensely for a famous person is falling in love with a ghost, and that’s all right—I mean, what the hell? We’re here together just dying... Let’s enjoy—but is an affair best undertaken with the knowledge that everyone alive has their own complex interiority, as unruly as your own, and that you, a stranger, are not in any real way connected to the lawless, blurry middle of that celebrity, and will never be. It’s freeing and fun to know this. I mean, these people are basically in your employ. Glamorous dollhouse dwellers. Acknowledging that uncrossable distance allows for a different, healthier closeness of pure imagination. My feelings, then, can comfortably be at once both fiercely intense and entirely silly. I am a foremost scholar in the art of the Taylor Swift who exists in my head. The real person raised in Pennsylvania I don’t know at all. I have some conjectures on the matter, and, as with all my conjectures, every hackneyed theory, each picky little opinion, I’m sure they’re perfect, brilliant, just absolutely right, but that’s still all they are. Taylor Swift, figure of the cultural imagination, is the Jodie Comer to my Sandra Oh in Killing Eve, annoying and pretty in frills, taunting me endlessly and holding us trapped together in a dance of most enchanting death. But the real Taylor Swift has favorite bed sheets and a social security number and a British boyfriend, none of which I have any desire to know about, and if I saw her at a restaurant I’d politely avert my eyes before, yes, dive-bombing the group text. There’s nobody on Earth I’d stand in line to speak to, but then I’ve been speaking to a certain figment of Taylor Swift for nearly half my life.

I went to a Taylor Swift concert the night before I moved into college in 2009. My father’s work friend, firefighter by day, near professional gambler by night, got comped tickets to the Fearless Tour stop taking place at the nearby casino, and he let me have them as a reward, mainly, for happening to be seventeen. Live in-person and performed acoustically, “Fifteen” made me cry. A few years after that, in the thick, sticky part of my first post-college summer, I wrote approximately twenty-three million words about her in these very pages.  (”Pages”) At that point, Taylor’s most recent release was 2012’s Red, and the work I produced that long ago July about Taylor and her career, writing I was fairly pleased with at the time, feels now, besides just being extremely clearly written by a twenty-one year old, strange to me for the way it favors the sweet over the sour almost uniformly. There is a wholesome kind of ardor in that writing which maybe I’ve outgrown the ability to hold. Or maybe Taylor just proceeded to spend the next half a decade plus releasing one bad single after another, and it was taste—and trespasses against taste—and not some shift in my nature which altered the tenor of our bond. I have real love for my particular image, gleaned from public statements and published art, of smart, bizarre famous woman Taylor Swift, and I admire the bulk of her output very much. I’m just no longer so inclined to fawn. This is not to say I am here to offer a Taylor Swift hate screed. I couldn’t swing it, and, anyway, I’m not a pop feminist-for-hire circa 2010. But we’re older now. Things are different. At twenty-eight, twenty-nine this month—Taylor will, also this December, turn thirty-one—I regard Taylor Swift warily, like an ex with whom you have a tentative friendship, perpetually on the brink of falling one way or the other into hatred or delight, only to wobble back the opposite direction again at the slightest provocation, but still, despite best efforts, even, I regard her all the time. 

folklore was released at midnight on July 24th 2020, but I was at a cabin in rural Vermont without Internet or cell service. I drank Bud Light seltzers with my mother while watching the eerie pandemic return of Major League Baseball, and when I got into a strange bed there I stewed, knowing there were people out in the world all over who were hearing Taylor Swift songs I never had, and that this was a fundamental wrong, a disruption in the balance of the universe. I listened to it the next morning in a Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot. 

And folklore is great. That’s the terrible thing. Slightly less great, maybe, than some people have insisted, tricked, I think, by just the pronounced shift in sound. But it’s great. A little gift I asked for a thousand times and was still surprised to get, like a wife who didn’t expect her henpecked husband to ever follow through and buy the paraffin wax hand bath as-see-on-TV. For years, I’ve been halfheartedly insisting that Taylor had a great album in her. I’d say it even, perhaps especially, while she stubbornly fed me gruel. Or worse, gruel with the occasional whiff of something better. With a ripe, little raspberry dropped into the slop. The bright, villainous thrill of “Getaway Car” made me believe Taylor, my Taylor, was in there somewhere under the lacquer of sequins and synth, which, while not objectionable by default, seemed a costume, and an ill-fitting one. The lived-in world of “Cornelia Street” made those old scars sting. That gay “Delicate” video. When she did “Call It What You Want” on SNL and played guitar while wearing an ugly sweater. If the abominable “ME!”, lead single off Lover, was the stick, 1989’s “Clean” was the carrot. I was Charlie Brown, and Taylor my Lucy, yanking the football back again and again. Over drinks I still yelled that Taylor Swift’s next album would be, “her Nebraska”, referring to my favorite Bruce Springsteen record, and learned to live with that egg on my face for good. I suppose I even came to like it. There was something inherently funny in taking up, like, “blind faith in the as of yet untapped greater artistic potential of massively wealthy and popular singer Taylor Swift” as my totally inane personal cause du jour, and eventually it was a bit, a gag I performed to be obstinate and didactic, but way down somewhere awful near my kidneys I meant it the whole while. And then she did it. A pandemic befell the world and amid a sea of human suffering Taylor Swift remembered she can write. She wrote, and with a massive, crucial assist from Aaron Dessner, whose music on this record is sometimes so beautiful it actually angers me, as the last thing I needed in already perilous times was to be made to try and marry my uniquely perverse emotional responses to beloved divorced dad band The National and fucking Taylor Swift,  she made an album which, if not her Nebraska, per se (I’ve come to realize that a major part of believing Taylor Swift will one day make an album I find as quietly devastating and gorgeous as Nebraska is knowing that no album will ever actually be Her Nebraska... That each will, rather, to me, be more and more evidence that it’s coming still, more proof that the limit is untouched, on and on ad infinitum, or at least until the seas take us into a place of salty peace.) is a shocking credit to all my hard-fought and deluded confidence. folklore is great. This fact has made me feel almost equally as disoriented from my understanding of the world as the time-melting COVID-19 lockdowns have, and it turned my Spotify year in review annual collective AI humiliation kink thing into a glaring indictment of my mental state, but still, I mean... It’s great.

In talking about folklore a bit this week, there are a number of specific topics I intend to cover—what a thrill it is to hear Taylor say “fuck”; Taylor’s terrifying birth chart; the astoundingly perfect bridge of “the last great american dynasty”; “because my ass is located at the back of my body”; the bit in last year’s “Lover” where deranged WASP Taylor Swift implies that to “leave the Christmas lights up til January” is some signifier of being a love-struck bohemian, when actually everyone who doesn’t employ domestic staff to take their lights down does this; how reputation is the best of the Taylor Swift records released in the latter half of the 2010s, actually, and the people who can’t see that are cowards—but intend mostly to let the muse move me where she will. Against the advice of my better angels, she—that tie-in marketing eldritch terror—always does.

[adzuki-ren]

Wish Upon a Twilight

Title: Wish Upon a Twilight [Read on AO3] Series: Haikyuu!! Characters: Kuroo Tetsurou, Bokuto Koutarou, Hinata Shouyou (mentioned), Kozume Kenma (mentioned) Pairing(s): BoKuroo, KenHina (mentioned) Rating: Teens (mild swearing) Word Count: 2320 Additional Notes: Fantasy AU, Romeo x Juliet AU, Soulmates, but not necessarily a Soulmates AU, it’s just being discussed, Pre-Relationship, kuroo has it bad, just to be clear bokuroo aren't Romeo and Juliet, but this is still about them, sorry for the big disappoint Summary: Kuroo had never really thought about soulmates, what they were, and what it meant to have one, least of all if he had one. There were more pressing matters, like trying to make it out of the war alive, or at the very least, protect his liege till his very last breath.

It’s only from a simple conversation with his partner and comrade, coming out of seemingly nowhere, that gets him to wonder…

For BoKuroo Week 2020 on Twitter (Day 2 Prompt: Soulmates)

A/N: Apologizing in advance because this short fic is probably gonna make sense to absolutely nobody, but in case you’re interested, you can check out my notes about this sloppily put-together AU. The TLDR of it is that Kenma and Hinata are Romeo and Juliet, and they are Kuroo’s and Bokuto’s lieges respectively. Kuroo and Kenma are still childhood friends.

I haven’t written in a while, and I’m still trying to figure out what my writing style is, so sorry if it’s a janky read.

Bokuto was quiet. Bokuto was never, if not almost always, ever this quiet. He had been for nearly the entire day now, ever since…

Kuroo should have been making good use of his time; Time: a luxury they most certainly could not afford, not when they were finally able to rally enough support to launch the rebellion against the Nekoma clan, not when they were constantly fleeing from enemy troops and always needed to be prepared to defend and strike within a moment’s notice, not when Shouyou had finally taken up the banner in the name of Karasuno, taken up the fight he never wanted, riding on nothing but his convictions and hopes of a swift end to the war with the fewest possible casualties.

What he should be doing at the moment was sharpen his blades, on any chance that they were confronted by a surprise assault. If he was to best serve his liege (his friend, his family), he must always have the proper means to do it; ensuring that his tools were at the utmost optimal condition was a crucial part of fulfilling that role.

So then, why was something so trivial, like his usually loud-mouthed comrade-in-arms suddenly becoming quieter than a still midsummer’s night, such a distraction?

Even if he hadn’t looked over at the corner of his eye, Kuroo knew that he and said companion were doing the same. Their sights had never left Kenma and Shouyou, not once since they had fled the capital together that stormy night and had seen many skirmishes since, had seen to it that they got out of them alive.

And that remained true even as they discovered this small, quiet town, far, far away from the capital, and the lush clearing lying just a little way up north. Only, instead of vassals, at that moment, they were more of mere onlookers, watching their charges wade through tall blades of grass dyed in the warm oranges of the softly setting sun.

It should have been fitting for the moment. Amidst all the fighting, they had finally found for themselves a moment of respite. He, Bokuto, and their allies could use this time to treat their wounds, brace themselves physically and mentally for the many battles that awaited. Kuroo’s eyes followed his liege and he wasn’t sure if the smile that formed in his mind had ever reached his lips. Kenma had taken his dragon steed along with him, and he hadn’t let go of Shouyou’s hand even once.

At least someone was finding peace in these times, Kuroo mused; because even when he was supposed to take this moment to rest, he found that couldn’t, at least not until he figured out what the hell was going on in his partner’s head.

And as if the timing couldn’t have been any better, any words he had prepared were abruptly cut off by one simple question.

“Do you believe in soulmates?”

Bokuto blurted the words in one breath, even gasping out a little, all as if to push the words out of his mouth before his brain had the chance to take them back. Kuroo blinked twice. He was taken aback, to say the least, though whether it was from the question itself or the fact that this was what Bokuto mulled over, he didn’t know.

But it seemed that he wouldn’t even be given the chance to ruminate over it, because as quickly as Bokuto had asked, he threw in a hurried but mumbled, “Never mind, it’s a dumb question.”

Kuroo sighed. Shaking his head, he gently placed a hand on Bokuto’s shoulder. “Hey, I haven’t even said anything yet. And no one’s saying anything about it being dumb.” He hoped Bokuto understood from his tone and comforting gesture that he was willing to listen. (In truth, he would always be ready to lend his ear to his most trusted partner if it meant putting him at ease and returning that radiant smile to his face.)

Bokuto deflated somewhat but decided he’d rather pout instead. It was this contrast of Bokuto as the strong, courageous warrior that he was in one second, only to transform into a big, sulking child the next that would never fail to amuse Kuroo. And it was moments like these, small and insignificant they may be, that he could feel in his chest that familiar tickle of mirth and affection that came from just being around Bokuto.

Seeing that Bokuto had lost some spirit in him and was less than likely to interrupt him again, Kuroo hummed, “I haven’t ever really given it any thought.” Whatever thoughts that began to take shape in his mind were quickly brushed aside as Kuroo’s eyes trailed back to Kenma and Shouyou. The pair had wandered further towards the cliff overlooking the sea and its crashing waves, but could still be made out within their line of sight. He could see that their hands were still linked, and then all at once, it struck him; when Bokuto had started to grow quiet, why he asked about soulmates—Kuroo might just have stumbled upon their roots.

He turned back to Bokuto to give him his long-awaited answer. “I don’t not believe they exist.”

One glance and Kuroo could tell he’d already lost him. He continued, “If being soulmates just means that there might be some otherworldly or spiritual force out there, someway or somehow connecting them, then yeah, I don’t think it’s that far-fetched. Okay, maybe not the otherworldly stuff. But,” he paused briefly, tapping his chin in mild contemplation, “Kenma and I have been together for before I can even remember. For all I know, he could’ve been my soulmate this entire time. Who said bonds couldn’t be formed between souls as close as family?”

Kuroo didn’t think his rambling would earn him much of a reaction, but he was able to catch the subtle widening of Bokuto’s eyes. And because he was such an open book, Kuroo could already tell from his furrowed brows that Bokuto had something he wanted to say, but it would be Kuroo who got to cut him off before getting to say his piece this time.

“But,” and he looked back to Bokuto, only to be met with those striking golds, bright and clear with a curious mixture of bewilderment and expectation, “That’s not what you wanted to hear, was it?”

Bokuto jerked back visibly, which meant he’d hit a bull’s-eye. Kuroo chuckled lightly, this time inviting Bokuto’s gaze to join his own with a simple nod towards the general direction of their lieges. More often than not, Bokuto was dumb as a sack of potatoes, but he decided to put a little faith in his dearest comrade, letting him know that they were on the same page with the knowing looks they’d just exchanged.

Bokuto let out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding in, with the dejected look of someone who had just admitted defeat. He was being so dramatic, as always. He finally spoke up again, though his voice was still quiet with uncertainty, “It’s just that when I look at them, I can’t help but think…”

(And Kuroo wanted so badly to make a quick jab at that (“You? Think?”), but thought better of it and refrained.)

Bokuto’s last words were left hanging, but it was fine. Even if neither of them finished those thoughts, they didn’t need to when it was the same, now just hanging heavily in the chilly air around them. Can a love like that truly exist?

The conversation was already strewn with gaps of acknowledged silence, and it wasn’t as though either was trying to fill them in. Their words flowed and ebbed with the push-and-pull of the exchange, and just as natural as the tides, some things were best left to the course of that flow. So the somewhat-confession that followed surprised Kuroo and didn’t all at once.

“I wonder if I’ll ever be lucky enough to find mine...” Bokuto uttered in a bit of a pensive daze, and then added a bit more optimistically, turning to Kuroo expectantly, “I’m a lucky guy, right? I mean, I escaped death more times than I can count!”

Peace and harmony and all things good and natural between them be damned, that still didn’t excuse these instances where he was asking for the life to be wrung from his neck for saying crap like this. The bastard had the gall to even laugh about it?

Instead, Kuroo did the less merciless thing and gave him a hard shove, intending for it to come off playfully, but still gaining some sort of petty satisfaction, snickering inwardly from seeing Bokuto catch himself from nearly toppling over.

“Psh, yeah, because I was there to save your ass, dumbass.”

And what does he do? He laughs it off. Again.

Kuroo’s hand was two centimeters away from making impact on his friend’s dense skull. Bokuto needed to learn how to look a little more ashamed, or at least pretend to look embarrassed.

He let out a loud sigh of exasperation but decided to backpedal to their focus, his tone taking a sudden solemn turn. “You and I both know full well that it wasn’t good fortune that brought them together.” Not with all the suffering they both had to endure, just to see each other again.

The last trickles of Bokuto’s laughter ran dry and he was quiet again, thankfully only for a fraction of the time he’d been all day. Bokuto faced him again, and any trace of annoyance Kuroo may have had left instantly melted.

For the short time they’ve spent together, Kuroo thought he knew Bokuto like someone he’d known his whole life, someone he’d fought with for what felt like ages. But it was times like these that he learned Bokuto was still so full of surprises.

“Lucky or not, I’m just really happy you’re here.”

His smile was just as blinding as the first time. Not their first meeting ending with the two shaking on a truce thrust upon them (one that should never have been possible); lips were drawn in taught lines, courteous on the surface, but thinly veiled the wariness, bordering distrust. (Though neither of them imagined they would eventually come to embrace that truce as an oath inherited from their lieges.)

No, it wasn’t until the first time, gathered by the crackling campfire to fight the night’s biting winds, Kuroo made a witty retort and Bokuto excitedly interjected with an idiotic remark of his own, sending them both into loud, raging fits of laughter with seemingly no end to obnoxious cackles, desperate gasps for air, and clutched stomachs. And when Kuroo caught his breath and looked back to Bokuto wiping away a single tear, the first thought his brain should have supplied him with was that he knew they’d get along just fine. It should have only been something that simple.

But all Kuroo could think about were the tiny crinkles around his eyes, specks of gold peeking through thin slits, cheeks dusted in the blush of dawn (and looked just as warm to touch), and those lips (oh, those lips) stretched out in the widest smile he had ever remembered seeing. And all were accompanied by light, airy jingles of laughter; as if everything else wasn’t already enough to send him spiraling into an existential crisis. He simply glowed.

Bathed in a pool of twilight like this now, Kuroo realized Bokuto had never stopped glowing.

“Thank you for always having my back.”

And with those honeyed words dripping with the sweetest sincerity, Kuroo’s entire heart leapt into his throat, choking him speechless. In terms of looks, he must have rivaled a gaping fish with the way he kept opening and shutting his mouth, too.

Kuroo returned his gaze towards the sun dipping into the horizon, now just glossing over the lovers in the distance. “Yeah, sure,” he mumbled with as much indifference he could muster, not that it would do anything to hide the telltale signs of the blush creeping up his cheeks.

Bokuto just chuckled, the sound ringing pleasantly into the warm dusk air. It somehow managed to once again invade Kuroo’s thoughts, along with the very seed Bokuto had sown earlier. Unless he entertained it, it might just fester.

What about me? Would I ever…?

But as quickly as the thought formed, he quashed it. The more he dwelled on it, the more trifling it seemed.

(Because when Bokuto was standing right by his side like this, so close within his reach, he only had one selfish wish.)

The sun had just set, though whether it was a few minutes or hours ago, Kuroo had lost track. Time was lost on him, and sometime during it all, the space between them had vanished and Kuroo felt the weight of Bokuto’s head on his shoulder; or rather, he would have if his partner had been notably shorter. The sight was ridiculous, no doubt, with Bokuto’s head propped at an angle against the side of Kuroo’s.

They looked silly and he should feel silly, yet, all he could feel was the stir in his heart. The gesture was incredibly endearing, and Kuroo had given up trying to recall when he’d first yielded his heart to Bokuto. They most definitely looked ridiculous, but he could care less, so he laid his own head atop Bokuto’s. Standing in a familiar and comfortable silence, Kuroo really should have been more surprised by the less familiar, but equally comfortable, faint beating of hearts.

He longed for many, many more of these days to come. When all of this, all the fighting was over, maybe one day they could have that peaceful life.

And when he felt Bokuto’s hand quietly slip into his, he squeezed back gently and didn’t need to wish for anything else.

Thank you for reading! Again, sorry for the lack of context. I’m not super happy with how it came out but I just love Bokuroo so much and if it wasn’t sappy enough, then clearly I have failed in my mission. Please come scream Bokuroo, KenHina, or Haikyuu (anime-only tho) to me here or Twitter! The To the Top-shaped hole in my heart needs to be filled. ;-;

[mulderscully]

let’s talk about chloe dying

i got a few messages about the theory going around twitter and reddit that chloe will die this season and how i feel about it and my answer is long and complex so it needs it’s own post.

i’m gonna put this under the cut because it might get long. trigger warning for talk about death, grief and christianity. also some bts spoilers for s5b and s6.

i have always assumed the show would end with lucifer and chloe in heaven together after she dies. honestly, i feel way ahead of the curve here. i have thought this since season two. my idea of how this will happen has shifted multiple times but i still do think that that is the ultimate endgame here. it makes the most sense for this show to me. our showrunners have been very, very clear that the message of this show is “if the devil can be redeemed and forgiven, anyone can.” therefore it is no secret that lucifer will make peace with his father toward the end of the show. lo and behold, here we are, with 18 episodes to go and we’re finally meeting dad.

at the beginning i thought lucifer would give up his immortality entirely and grow old with chloe on earth. then when she dies he would follow her to heaven voluntarily, having long ago made peace with dad and in heaven he would be restored as an archangel. i don’t think that is what’s going to happen anymore even if i still love the theory. but that’s okay. i am leaning more toward the theory that god is either near death or retirement and has come down to give lucifer the job. at first i thought this was a wild theory, but when you look back with it in mind it makes a lot of sense. i might make a separate post for this later because i find it so interesting and it’s not the point of this post. but for now, that’s where i’m at.

the conundrum for lucifer and chloe being endgame is that obv he is immortal and she isn’t. the vulnerability always seemed like an easy answer to that. if he can get hurt he can probably age. since that really doesn’t seem to be on the table anymore it brings us back to how are they endgame? we know they are, tom has legit said so. you could say chloe will somehow become immortal but i have stated my issue with this here. it’s the same issue i see a lot of people having with the theory going around that chloe will die this season and go to heaven with lucifer. that issue is trixie. chloe is not just an extension of lucifer, she has a daughter and a big part of this show is showcasing the importance of parents being there. 

on a personal note, my mom died when i was 16. a big thing religious people say is, “god needed another angel” or something along those lines. and that infuriated me. god didn’t need her more than i needed her. i’m sure it helps some people but people saying this to me made me angry with god and completely turned me OFF from religion. it wasn’t until i found this show that i found some semblance of faith again. 

as an orphan myself, i don’t see chloe dying as her “abandoning” trixie. but i do know that a parent dying can and does feel that way. i have to wonder why they even created trixie if they planned to kill chloe at the end while she was still a kid. that’s what gets me. i am, quite frankly, fine with chloe dying. on this show death is not an ending, it’s a new beginning. souls are immortal. i’m sure that all of our characters will be reunited in heaven eventually. but why leave trixie motherless after making that relationship so important in the first few seasons? from a writing pov, i don’t get it. i always assumed trixie would be an adult when chloe dies, at least mid 20s. it isn’t as sad then because death is a natural part of life and it happens to us all. trixie will also grow old and die and then see chloe again. that’s the cycle.

this brings me to who i think will die. 5x14 is a dan-centric episode then 5x15 is where we see lucifer and amenadiel at the graveyard. i really do think dan is gonna die. people say it’s obvious chloe will, but i don’t think so. i think there was wayyy more foreshadowing for dan dying than anyone else. let’s talk about how dan talked to amenadiel about his guilt over things he has done before he even knew who he was. then he finds out the truth and his biggest crisis is that he is CLEARLY terrified that he belongs in hell and since he feels that way that is where he will end up. his arc actually parallels charlotte’s almost perfectly. but whereas charlotte got a second chance to live, i think dan might help lucifer reform hell which i think NEEDS to happen. 

i have never liked that guilt is what lands you in hell. lots of people don’t feel guilt over the terrible things they do, like pete. and lots of people feel guilt but are good people… like all of our characters. in the end lucifer might realize hell needs to change and help dan leave hell. this was already planted in 5x01 when we see him help lee, a man he barely knows. imagine seeing a friend in hell? ALL his friends in hell. he wouldn’t be able to stand it. and maybe then he will finally realize he doesn’t belong in hell either. because i think he’s been the one keeping himself there.

this isn’t to say dan dying isn’t sad. it is. trixie will still be losing a parent. but it makes more sense from a writing point of view than killing chloe right now does. killing dan does not serve the purpose of deckerstar being endgame by taking him away from trixie which sends the message that deckerstar is more important than chloe and trixie. that goes against the core of the show.

also, i am fairly certain chloe will be alive and on earth for s6, esp since they have stated they plan on doing a blm arc. i can see the bittersweet aspect of the ending perhaps being that lucifer has to return to heaven without chloe for a while and wait for her to die until they are reunited. but like…. cristina perri-1000 years.mp3.

[chasingfigments]

(Inspired by the prompt “Empty spools of thread” given to me by twitter user SeptimusMew:)

Noctis isn’t great at packing his own lunch, and his dad never has, but at least his dad is good about leaving him money. When it’s time for the lunch period, most of the kids in his class start pulling out their food, so Noctis heads out of the classroom and downstairs. There’s a little snack shop down on the first floor, near the shoe lockers, that’s staffed by the student council, but there’s a crowd and Noctis has had enough of people staring at him today.

This school isn’t as strict as his old one was; there aren’t any teachers at the front gates to keep students from leaving campus. He’s not the only high school student to head out, and he trails after uniformed students in twos or threes to the town’s only convenience store a couple blocks away in what passes for downtown. 

The electronic doors slide open, and with them comes a welcome blast of air conditioning. Even in the middle of nowhere, convenience stores are all set up basically the same way, so it doesn't take Noctis long to find a pair of hard-boiled eggs, some plastic-wrapped onigiri, and a bottle of soda. The cashier barely looks at him, which is fine--Noctis would rather be just another anonymous high school student--and packs everything neatly into a plastic bag for him. Then Noctis is outside again and heads back to school.

The grounds are generous for a school this small; Noctis finds himself an empty section of bleachers near the track area and takes a seat. He fishes his cell phone from his pocket and turns it on--this the school is strict about, but there aren’t any teachers around to confiscate it--but there aren’t any messages, not even a how’s-your-first-day-going text from his dad. Nothing from his old friends, either, and he sighs even if he knows it’s stupid to pick at that old wound. He shuts his phone off and puts it away.

Noctis makes short work of the eggs and the onigiri. He is just finishing up his soda and wondering where he’s supposed to take his trash when someone turns the corner.

It’s that blond kid from his class. Noctis did skim over the school dress code, so the guy’s hair must be natural, because there’s no way he’d get away with it otherwise. What surprises Noctis, though, is that the guy actually perks up and waves at him--and then alters course straight for him.

“Hey,” he says when he’s close enough. He doesn’t try to climb up the bleachers to get closer, but it still makes Noctis feel a bit cornered. “You booked it out of class earlier, I didn’t have a chance to catch up.”

Noctis frowns. “You need something?”

“Huh? No.” The guy rocks back on his heels, like he’s surprised by Noct’s question. “I just wanted to say hi. I’m--well, I’m the one who had to do the whole new-guy introduction last year. My name’s Prompto.” 

Noctis can’t help but be a little curious. From what he read online before moving, this town has slowly been dying for decades, with more people moving out than moving in. It’s barely got two thousand people now, and even with both the junior and senior high in the same building, there’s still plenty of space. “Why’d your family move out here?”

“My parents work for the Ministry of Agriculture,” he says. Prompto shrugs, a slight lift and fall of his shoulders. “Someone had to fill the post, and they wanted a change of scenery. You?”

“My grandfather died a couple years ago,” Noctis says flatly. “And dad got let go when his company restructured, so he’s finally getting around to taking care of the estate.”

Prompto blinks once, twice. “Sorry for your loss.”

“Gotta actually know someone for it to be a loss,” is all Noctis says, because he doesn’t even know how to explain to someone else how his dad collapses in on himself a little more every passing day for finally having to cave and accept the house and the money that he swore he’d never return to or touch. He finishes off his soda and waves the empty bottle at Prompto. “Where do I dump my trash?”

It’s supposed to be the end to the conversation, but Prompto doesn’t get the message. Or if he does, he ignores it. “Come on, I’ll show you.”

There aren’t many options left, and Noctis doesn’t want to be an entire asshole even though his mood has been shitty ever since they started packing up their old apartment, so he gets off the bleachers and falls into step with Prompto. “So, what is there even to do in this town?”

“Well, that depends,” Prompto says. He gestures toward the western sky and the forest-covered mountains that dominate a good section of it. “How much do you like nature?”

“I’d like it a hell of a lot better if it didn’t come with bugs.”

It wasn’t meant as a joke, but Prompto actually laughs, and something in Noct’s chest catches and pulls. “The last time I let Gladio take me hiking, a huge ass spider dropped right out of the trees and into my face.”

Noctis can feel a smile threatening to form at the corner of his mouth. “Well, cross hiking off the list.”

“Uh, there’s--a bar nearby, or kind of. They don’t start serving alcohol until six, so we can be in there until then. They’ve got some pool tables and arcade games and even a room for karaoke if you’re into that, and it’s probably the closest we’ve got to some place to hang out that’s not the park down by the river.”

“Not the biggest karaoke fan. But arcade games are cool.”

Prompto perks up at that. “Yeah? You ever play Justice Monsters?”

“I haven’t, sorry,” Noctis says as they round the corner of the building and find the row of trash cans.

“I could show you, if you want,” Prompto says, and it’s just the right amount of casual for Noctis to realize that Prompto really wants the answer to be yes.

“I can’t tonight, I gotta help my dad finish unpacking. But--how about this weekend?”

“You mean it?” 

Prompto’s grinning, and Noctis finally allows himself a smile back. “Yeah, I do. What’s—”

But the rest of the question gets lodged in his throat because a handful of thin, black threads creep out from under the collar of Prompto’s uniform and slowly wrap their way around his throat.

“Noctis?” Prompto asks, and just like all the others Noctis has ever seen, he is entirely oblivious to what has caught Noct’s eye. 

He’s never--he’s never seen them move before. Whenever he’s seen someone who is close to death, the threads are thick and binding, wrapped heavily around the soon-to-be-deceased, the ends trailing behind like smoke. A few times, he saw the ends wrapped around another person’s hands like a leash and knew that this was the person who would be responsible.

He’s never seen the threads just--appear. But they’re here now, when they weren’t just a few moments ago, delicate like a fine silver necklace around Prompto’s throat.

“Dude, are you okay?” Prompto reaches out and grabs him by the shoulders. 

“Yeah,” Noctis tries, and then one of the threads drifts down and snakes its way around his wrist.

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression Ep 10 - Stir caused as Don Nomura uploads a photo of his father, Nomura Katsuya's corpse.

K: This is Dir en grey's Kaoru, starting another episode of The Freedom of Expression. Joe san, Tasai san, welcome.

J, T: Thank you *1

K: Can we have the topic for this episode, Joe.

J: Yes, 'Don Nomura uploads a photo of his father, Nomura Katsuya's corpse to Twitter. Twitter is on fire with calls to delete it.'

Well, the former baseball manager Nomura Katsuya died on the 11th of February, and the photo of his corpse...Well, we say its his son, but they are not related by blood right? Its Nomura's wife, Sachiko's son (*from a previous relationship*). Well, anyway, they are family right? He took a photo of the corpse (*at the funeral*) and uploaded it to social media. Many voices have been raised saying it looks scary or creepy, so 'please delete it'.  Well, how should we think about this? It was a theme which caught my interest.

T: In Japan, we don't generally do that, do we?

J: We don't. Even with the death of close relatives, we don't tend to take photos, do we?

T: Right, we don't take commemorative photos with everyone gathered.

J: No, we don't. I think we tend to give the deceased more of a solemn send off. But I have lived in America for a little while, I mean, not all American's are like this but, you could say for Christianity, they have quite individualistic funerals. Also, when they say goodbye, they sometimes kiss the corpse and so on. Thats normal, and some people even take photos, but the circumstances might change if someone were to upload a photo to social media for all to see. Kaoru, how do you feel about this?

K: Well, lots of people can see it, so maybe its ok to bothered about it...but i don't really mind.  I mean, its his relative, it might be different if it was a stranger...but he's not just some wierdo. Well..I have a feeling its....????*2

T: I've covered Noumra san while I was a sports journalist, and when I was shown this recent photo, in my heart I thought..hmm, his face looks nice, he looks at peace.

J: I see. Well, opinion is very divided on this, but another thought I had about this one photo is...For a while I was chief editor for the magazine Days Japan. Its a photo journalism magazine, and it quite often included war photos. And in that case, well, for war in the middle east etc, the bodies of people who had died were visible in them, so there was a lot of debate about whether or not we should run them. At that time, one line that we took was that, for example, we would not run photos of people who had died in natural disaters, but in relation to war, we thought we must think about why it happened, and that the bodies might hold a message in relation to that. Obviously, we avoided very grotesque photos, but we did run numerous photos of bodies for this reason. Another thing I also conversely thought is, well at this point I don't know if movies do this, but there is a documentary movie called, 'Utanohajimari', I went to see it recently and was quite surprised. At the beginning of the movie, there is a birth scene, and there was a message warning viewers about the scene, that it wouldn't be censored. It was written that you will be watching it uncensored. So I thought, oh ok, but at the same time, in relation to birth and death, the two biggest events in a persons life, the start and the end...in this country we can't quite express ourselves freely. Its essentially a culture of trying to hide these things...I vaguely thought about this. We can get whatever  information we need to live our lives from all sorts of places, and if we don't have that we are seen as falling behind. But, as humans we need to think about why we are here, why we die, where did we come from, where are we going...well, its getting a bit philosophical, but we are living in a comparatively blinkered fashion in this respect. If you upload a photo like this to social media in a country where this type of thing is always concealed, you don't know if they is gonna be a kind of allergic reaction to it. In music and the arts and stuff, there are themes of death, and other things that we should be thinking about, but I think community in this country is missing these expressions....I mean, this photo is not intended  as a work of art, is it, Nomura san's body? Ive kinda thought about that.

K: I thought so too, you don't see it often do you? There was that...???*3

J: Ah, yes yes

K: There was a lot in that. Compared to that, this is..

J: Well, its true, in this country birth and death aren't exactly 'taboo', but we deal with it....Well, we are not a particularly religious country, so maybe that has something to do with it.

Kami: As for me..

J: Oh, he's here.

Kami: I saw that photo, the photo of him wearing his uniform, and I was moved.

J: Oh he was moved.

Kami: Mmm, I though 'Ah, its Nomura san', and like, 'Oh, The Swallows (*baseball team) .

J: I see. Instead of Rakuten, right?

Kami: No instead of the Hawkes where he got a triple crown. Like, he was greater when he became a manager. Like with Yakult. He kind of raised those teams.

K: He was worldly.

T: If he'd been wearing Hanshin or Rakuten uniforms it would be a bit....right?

K: Yeah. He'd say, 'No, not those!'.

J: I really think so.

K: I think Nomu san had great power with Hanshin and Rakuten. Later Hoshino san also had a lot of success, but yeah, think Nomu san had great power.

J: He made them, right? The base for a winning team.

K: But of course, the Swallows...

J: Yeah, whatever you say, Nomu san was there, and raised Furuta. At that time, we didn't know how far the word 'ID baseball' would go.

T: Thats right.

J: I think its amazing how that penetrated the world.

Kami: Its amazing how he got a triple crown as a catcher. But he didn't really boast about that during his active years. People are thinking of the Swallows when they see him in uniform now right? Thats what i imagine anyway. He wasn't like 'Look at me!', he was more like one of the team. I feel it deeply, I feel the art.

J: Certainly I think it has that kind of message.  By the way, do you become a god after dying? How does it work? Are you born a god? I've always wanted to know this.

Kami: Gods?  Gods are there from the start.

J: Oh from the start? You are born a god?

Kami: No, we're not born, we just are.

J: Oh its like that?

T: Thats complex

J: I see, thats deep.

K: They already are, right?

J: Yeah

Kami: Gods don't have a beginning or an end.

K: Wow

J: Is that so?

K: I want to try saying that.

J: Right. ..He hasn't even proved once that he's real though.

K: But it means you must be around for billions of years.

Kami: Its not billions of years, iｍ ever-lasting. 

K: Oh, again.

J: Out it comes. He came out with that.

Kami: You guys just can't understand it.

K: No, we can't, not at all.

J: He always says it in a really cool voice too.

T: If i said that to my wife, she would laugh at me so much.

J: 'Im ever lasting too'.

*K laughs*

J: She'll usually say 'whats wrong with you?!'

This is really terrible. So, Kami, you don't die, you are not born?

Kami: Yeh, im timeless.

K: But you have an hourly wage, right?

*J laughs*

J: He has no concept of time but he works for an hourly wage!

Kami: Yes, thats right.

J: He's so stupid.

T: An incredible god.

J: I mean it. A god who needs money, like he needs to eat.

K: Its realistic right?

J: Yes, realistic.

K: He drops in just like that, doesn't he.

J: Im thankful for him...Well i have some sympathy for him, he's ever lasting, but he still has to eat, and earn a living. I don't know if im thankful or not thankful.

Kami: Thats why people call me a cheater.

T: He worries a lot about getting called a cheater.

K: We hear it a lot though.

T: Right, its hitting him where it hurts.

J: He says it everytime, I think if effects him a lot. But like Kami says..wearing a Yakult uniform...right?

K: Yeah

J: And his face looked really peaceful. I think perhaps, living in this country, we are a bit too indifferent towards birth and death.

K: There were probably quite a few young people who have never seen this kinda of thing before, so they won't be used to it if they are seeing it for the first time.

T: Its quite a complicated feeling coming into close contact with death or a dead body like that. When my relatives, or my grandma etc have died...I can't put that feeling into words, when you see them..what is that feeling. Do you have that experience, Joe?

J: Well, yes within my family, or friends. You can't put it into words...

T: Its a kind of lonliness, but not quite..and also a bit frightening. Its very difficult to express...the feeling when a person dies.

K: In those times, its like there is an atmosphere of trying not to say anything wierd. Like, there are certain set greetings like 'Im sorry for your loss'. There's this kind of pattern. I think that creates this kind of atmosphere.

J: Yeah, maybe.....I know a lot of people in bands, and when that type of person dies, thier funerals are quite individualistic..its kind of a relief to see. There are different ways to pay respects or connect with a death, and I think we ought to consider that more. I don't think its right to make death into a taboo.

T: Recently, Uchida Yuya san had a very 'rock' send off, didn't he?

J: Yes, he did! ...so I had these thoughts and picked up on this news.

K: Well, lets finish up here. Everyone please subscribe.

T, Kami: Please.

J: Thank you very much

*1 Im wondering what's the best way to translate 'よろしくお願いします/yoroshiku onegaishimasu'..

*2, 3 These bits frustrate me, as I can hear what he's saying, but i can't seem to figure out what he means. I feel like im missing something really obvious.

[bobbystompy]

91 Quotes I Enjoyed From 2020

Below are my favorite quotes from 2020. Though most occurred throughout the year, some took place before but were encountered during.

1) “You don’t have to be new to make new.” - Rick Rubin

2) “He put the beat on and go to sleep then wake up with a verse.” - The Lox

3) “Every opinion is bad.” - Blink-155

4)

(via Twitter)

5) “At the start of every disaster movie, there’s a scientist being ignored.”

6) “Be brave enough to suck at something new.”

7) “Comedy is the only job you can have where you can use everything you know” - Robin Williams via Dave Chappelle

8) “What’s the worst swear word where you live?” - Josiah Hughes

9) “Cookies are a really great way to get everybody to like you for a short period of time” - YSAC

10) “The worst dancer at a wedding is the one who’s not dancing.” - John Mulaney

11) “I never saw the end of the tunnel. I only saw myself running out of one." - Kobe Bryant

12) "A good movie begins as you're walking out of the theater" - Ethan Hawke

13) “When I was young and starting in cinema, there was a saying that I carved deep into my heart which is, 'The most personal is the most creative.’ That quote was from our great Martin Scorsese.” - Bong Joon-ho

14) “Run to the rescue with love, and peace will follow” - River Phoenix via Joaquin Phoenix

15) “Thank you -- I will drink until next morning.” - Bong Joon-ho

16) “Men will bury their emotions for decades and then take it all out on children tubing while they drive the boat.” - @krauter_

17) “They help you with the dumb face stuff, but they don’t tell you how to fix it” - Adam (Nate’s friend), on having older sisters

18) “We all had our connections, but it’s not the details themselves that matter, it’s the feeling behind them. There are a million coming-of-age tales. Lady Bird’s secret sauce is how deeply its creator gave a shit. The older I get, the less I care about anything but the sense of a filmmaker’s personal connection to the material. It doesn’t matter what it’s about, what genre it is, or whether it’s genre at all. I only really care that it feels like something the filmmaker had to tell me, and that it was that filmmaker in particular who had to tell it. It has to answer the ‘why are you telling me this’ question, and not just why are you telling me, but why are you telling me.

Lady Bird is a movie that feels like only Greta Gerwig could’ve made. And it’s only because it’s so specific to her that it can be so meaningful to so many people.” - Vince Mancini

19) "I have cast some lonely votes, fought some lonely fights, mounted some lonely campaigns. But I do not feel lonely now.” - Bernie Sanders

20) “Ever hear a Beatles song you haven’t heard before?”

21) “Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the standardism of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you're allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It's like killing yourself, and then you're reborn. I guess I've lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now.” - Charles Bukowski

22) “You shouldn’t have to hear a band to know if they’re good or not” - Josiah Hughes

23) “I was raised by OGs.  Some of you were raised by IG.  I understand.” - Ice-T

* * *

[Here is where I note the line of demarcation that was the COVID-19 pandemic hitting the US, pushed forward by Tom Hanks’ announcement, the NBA and NCAA shutting down, and, then, the nation itself.]

* * *

24) “There are decades where nothing happens, and there are weeks where decades happen.” - Vladimir Lenin

25) "Taken together, this is a massive failure in leadership that stems from a massive defect in character. Trump is such a habitual liar that he is incapable of being honest, even when being honest would serve his interests. He is so impulsive, shortsighted, and undisciplined that he is unable to plan or even think beyond the moment. He is such a divisive and polarizing figure that he long ago lost the ability to unite the nation under any circumstances and for any cause. And he is so narcissistic and unreflective that he is completely incapable of learning from his mistakes. The president’s disordered personality makes him as ill-equipped to deal with a crisis as any president has ever been. With few exceptions, what Trump has said is not just useless; it is downright injurious." - Peter Wehner

26) "Epidemics have a way of revealing underlying truths about the societies they impact." - Anne Applebaum

27) “A funny thing about quarantining is hearing your partner in full work mode for the first time. Like, I’m married to a ‘let’s circle back’ guy — who knew?” - Laura Norkin

28) 

(Jojo Rabbit)

29) “The world ends when you're dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. - Deadwood: The Movie

30) “All bleeding stops eventually.” - Deadwood: The Movie

31) “Our Father, which art in heaven… / Let him fucking stay there” - Deadwood: The Movie

32) “It’s like a power outage, but we still have power” - Ryen Russillo, on the pandemic

33) “Whenever Sox baseball returns, it’ll be weird to not have Farmer on the call any more. The relationship between a fan and longtime announcer is always built in the little moments. One afternoon, he’s the soundtrack as you clean the garage. On another night, he’s your bookmark for the game as you stand in line for churros or walk down the ramps at Sox Park to try for better seats in the 100 level. A voice like Farmer’s becomes so familiar that you only really notice when it’s no longer there.” - Kevin Kaduk, on the passing of Ed Farmer

34) 

(via Twitter)

35) “In my songs, I try to look through someone else’s eyes, and I want to give the audience a feeling more than a message” - John Prine

36) “Observe everything. Admire nothing.” - Generation Kill

37) “Trump, by that definition, has always been a wartime president -- always willing to sacrifice people he doesn’t know to things he only sort of cares about” - David Roth

38) "Whenever they speak Michael Jordan, they should speak Scottie Pippen." - Michael Jordan

39) "Fiction is a bridge to the truth that journalism can't reach." - Hunter S. Thompson

40) “Airlines sending me “we’re in this together” emails. When my suitcase was 52 pounds I was on my own.” - Mike Dentale

41) “Sometimes you can be the worst source of your own story” - Ryen Russillo

42) “Family is not necessarily blood, but instead who you would bleed for.”

43)

(via Twitter)

44) "This is the deal that Jordan made, knowingly or unknowingly — that he would trade everything he had for everything he wanted. And then, when he won all those things, he found that he had nothing but that.” - David Roth

45) “I’m brand loyal, but the brand doesn’t matter” - Caitie Miller, on why she doesn’t like generic peanut butter

46) “NOBODY shitposts Gene Hackman!!” - Mark Dehlinger

47) “When a man concludes that any stick is good enough to beat his foe with—that is when he picks up a boomerang.” - G.K. Chesterton

48) “You can be appalled forever, but shocked only once.” - Jeff Weiss, on early Eminem

49) “Whether I’m pessimistic or optimistic, the fight’s the same” - David Simon

50) “Freedom can never be completely won, but it can be lost.” - Bernard Simon

51) “Racism in America is like dust in the air. It seems invisible — even if you’re choking on it — until you let the sun in. Then you see it’s everywhere. As long as we keep shining that light, we have a chance of cleaning it wherever it lands.” -Kareem Abdul Jabbar

52) “In a racist society, it is not enough to be non-racist -- we must be anti-racist.” - Angela Davis

53) “Start as close to the end as possible” - Kurt Vonnegut, on creative writing

54) “You can’t stay woke all the time — that’s insomnia.” - Dr. Cornel West

55) “No, I get it. I’ve dated a lot of Geminis.”

56) “The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.” - John Krakauer, Into The Wild (via Tyler Keller)

57) "I couldn't show them my For You because it's pretty much just lesbian stuff and depression memes" - Maggie Loesch, on showing TikTok to her coworkers

58) "It's 1 a.m. in Slovakia and I've already had one bottle of wine and I don't know how long this press conference will go, so good luck to me." - Marian Hossa, following his NHL Hall of Fame announcement

59) “All I want in life is to go on an Anguilla group trip” - Mandy Gilkes

60) “You miss old friends when you don’t see them, but you miss them more when you do.” - Chuck Klosterman

61) “The only way to appreciate the present is to pretend it’s already the past.” - Chuck Klosterman

62) Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh, never mind You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth Until they've faded, but trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back At photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now How much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked

(”Everybody's Free [To Wear Sunscreen]”)

Second time that essay’s been quoted on this list.

64) "I mean, it's just human nature to suck up to the people above you, crap on those beneath you, and undercut your equals” - Brian, Family Guy

65) “You never quit a job. You quit a manager.” - Brian Bedford

66) “All the pictures in my house are of people I’m not friends with” - Tracy Cunningham

67) “In order to leave something behind, you have to leave.” - Dr. Herman, Grey’s Anatomy

68) 

(via Twitter)

69) “You can obsess about death if you don’t have to obsess about dying.” - Brendan Kelly via “White Noise”

70) “If it’s right to do, it’s wrong to wait.” - Andy, doorman 

71)

72) “When I'm sometimes asked when will there be enough [women on the Supreme Court] and I say, 'When there are nine,' people are shocked. But there'd been nine men, and nobody's ever raised a question about that.” - Ruth Bader Ginsburg

73) "America is mostly people who’ve never left their state saying we have the best country in the world." - Billy Wayne Davis

74) “A writer is someone who knows at least 80% of their writing sucks.” - Gabe Hudson

75) 

(via Twitter)

76) “You’re dead twice” - Brendan Kelly

77) “Perfect is the enemy of good” - Voltaire (via Zach Lowe)

78) “I don’t want to be a savior, I want to be a mirror.” - Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

79) “I get bad Twitter FOMO but not real life FOMO. That just goes to show I need to get off the Internet.” - Josh Thomas

80) “Is there anything you love in life that you engage with seriously that you don't also engage with humor?" - Sam Sutherland, on his relationship with Blink-182

81) “My favorite genre of music is my friends' bands" - Josiah Hughes

82) “Let’s fall in love like both our parents aren’t divorced.”

83) “Seabiscuit may be the only earthling that was on both sides of the stamp.” - Brendan Kelly

84) “There’s no shame in coming in second, except in, like, wars.” - Family Guy

85) “I feel like I experience writer’s block 100% of the time, and when I do write, I have impostor syndrome.” - Phoebe Bridgers

86) “We teach based on what we most need to learn.” - psychologist on Grey’s Anatomy

87) “Having too many choices is the leading cause of stress” - Grey’s Anatomy

88) “I think we've all gravely underestimated the extent to which this year has changed all of us, permanently” - Kelli Maria Korducki

89) 

(via Twitter)

90) “I wonder if people understand why they don’t have polio” - Sandra E. Garcia

91) “Ending songs is terrible, so let’s keep singing” - Dave Hernandez

[blazehedgehog]

Sorry to ask this, but what are your thoughts on Dunky's "I'm Done Making Good Videos" with regards to content you aspire to author vs what the average joe actually searches for

I don’t know if I’m the best person to be asking this, really.

Let’s get fully inside baseball here. Let’s pull the curtain all the way back. Actually, let’s burn down the curtain. I’m going to overshare like hell right now. Get ready for the most stream-of-consciousness rambling ever, because a lot of this has been boiling in my head and dying to get out.

For the entirety of my Youtube channel, I’ve pretty much only ever done what I want to do. Very rarely do I chase trends, or do what’s hot, or even do what people want me to do. I do whatever I feel like doing.

I have paid the price for that. My Youtube channel is 15 years old as of this year, and only now am I slowly inching towards 25,000 subscribers. I am incredibly inconsistent. What’s my channel post? Well, a couple times a year, maybe I put together an edited essay/review for a game. But I also sometimes post random, unedited, uncommentated gameplay footage. Maybe it’s a fan game, maybe it’s a gameplay demo, maybe it’s Fortnite. Sometimes, I also post remastered video game music. Every Halloween, I dump a bunch of one-off horror Let’s Plays on to my channel. And then, there’s the podcast.

I know exactly what my problems are. I don’t specialize enough, and I don’t put content out fast enough. Because most Youtube channels are, like, “shows”, right. The Did You Know Gaming show. The Markiplier show. The Angry Video Game Nerd show. And you can point at those and say exactly what they are in two sentences or less.

Did You Know Gaming specializes in informative videos uncovering obscure facts you might not know about popular video games.

Markiplier is a Youtuber that does Let’s Play videos for video games, primarily horror games, but he also focuses on general comedy skits and things of that nature.

The Angry Video Game Nerd is about one guy’s over the top reactions to bad video games.

What does BlazeHedgehog do? Well, he does a lot of Sonic fan content, but sometimes he does horror let’s plays, and sometimes he does multiplayer compilation videos sort of like Criken, but he also does music, and sometimes he makes video games and puts out videos of that, and in general he’s really low energy and sometimes there will be three or four weeks between uploads. Also he sounds like Booger from Revenge of the Nerds Snot from Family Guy (apparently).

If you come to my channel for something specific, you have to put up with everything else I upload. I could start separate channels for that content, but the barrier to entry on Youtube is so massive now that I would effectively sending those channels to their death. Videos that get 200-500 views on my main channel would get 10 views or less if they were on their own self-contained alt-channel.

So I languish. I struggle. I suffer. Youtube shows me red down arrows to tell me just how much worse I’m doing now than my last flash-in-the-pan success.

I’ve tried to chase success. It just makes me sad. I have a sense of humor, but I don’t think I can make “funny videos” like some people can. My Sonic 06 glitch video did gangbusters ten years ago, but I don’t often like kicking games when they’re down. It was a struggle to make that Sonic Boom glitch montage and that’s the reason I never followed through with Part 2 like I said I would.

My only wish is that people appreciate honesty. My Youtube channel might be a scattered mess, but that’s who I am. And more than anything, I think that’s what Dunkey’s video was about. His whole joke was about switching from thoughtful or funny videos to becoming a content farm for whatever is currently popular.

I’ve brought it up a few times here and there over the last few months, but I’ve had several brushes with the Fortnite side of Youtube recently. And there are so many dudes over there who are what I would generously call “grifters.” I follow Hypex on Twitter and routinely check Firemonkey and ShiinaBR because they datamine future Fortnite updates and often have the scoop days, weeks or sometimes months in advance.

Near the end of season 3, all three of them mentioned they had datamined “the next season” but wouldn’t say what it was because they didn’t want to spoil what was coming (the marvel season). They mentioned there were “others out there” that were spoiling things, but wouldn’t say who. I wanted to spoil myself, so I turned to Youtube.

And Youtube was a nightmare. Over and over and over, I would encounter tons of people downright thriving on the same grift. It’s an open secret that Youtube prioritizes longer videos, so if your video is under ten minutes (or I think now 8 minutes), the algorithm isn’t going to be as nice to you and won’t promote your video as well, and you aren’t going to get as much advertising money because fewer people are going to sit through a video advertisement that’s a quarter of your video’s entire length. Longer videos are more profitable for Youtube, and by extension, for the user uploading them.

So it was video after video of these guys making big bold claims about how they had all the answers on what the next season of Fortnite was, and you’re thinking, “oh wow, it’s a 17 minute video, they’re going to spoil everything!”

You load the video up and it’s some guy in his streamer man cave, he’s got his webcam on, and he loads in to a match of Fortnite with his squad. Keep in mind, this video was pitched as a news report of sorts, a big spoiling of future content... and it’s just a guy playing Fortnite with a crew. In the few seconds between matches as he queues for the next one, he stops to deliver a single shred of information, most of which start with “Hypex said...”

The one thing you came to this video for and it’s scattered like breadcrumbs across a 17 minute video of a guy just playing normal matches Fortnite to fill time. It’s not information they acquired for themselves, they all just regurgitate what Hypex said, or what other channels reported Hypex saying. 17 minutes of padding for scraps of second-hand leaks. And I found dozens of these channels, all repeating the same format, all repeating the same specks of leaked information, and all of them had 150,000 to 200,000 views on each of their videos in less than 24 hours. That’s hundreds of dollars per video on a format to scam the system.

But that’s a content farm. Those dudes are vultures. I have a hard time believing their hearts are really in it. I know it’s not a term that’s really in vogue anymore, but I see that as “selling out.” They know what they are doing and it’s to make money, not to make a community better. I mean, one of those videos was a guy who was reading Marvel comic hero profiles off of Wikipedia because it sounded like he literally did not know who guys like Iron Man, Thor and Wolverine even were. How are you in touch enough with pop culture that you’re cranking out factory-fresh Fortnite content for Youtube but you don’t know who Thor is? Answer: because you don’t really care and you’re in it for the money. Gotta hit that 15 minute threshold and put in six mid-roll ad breaks.

I could be that guy. That’s kind of what I was hoping “This Kinda Sucks” would turn in to, which would be sort of a rant video series like The Jimquisition or something. But I did not have the interest or energy to keep that up. So you get a playlist with two videos on it.

I’m sure Dunkey was just funnin’ around. Dude has 6 million subscribers. But for me, like... what he said in the video is mostly true. Following your heart and making thoughtful content you are personally interested in won’t pay the bills. I mean, as I predicted, that Jurassic Park video launched to the sound of crickets chirping. My most hardcore fans and a few curious onlookers checked it out but that was it. I’ve been working on that video since August, and it’s something my viewer base did not care about. But I cared about it, and that’s important for the long-run, I think.

The other problem, sort of a disconnect, is that I’m lucky to be in the position I’m in. I think guys like Dunkey probably make all of their money from places like Youtube and Twitch and Patreon and that’s their career. That work pays all of their bills.

My work does not pay my bills. Or it does, but it’s not enough to pay all of my bills. I am lucky enough right now that I am in a living situation where I can make fractions of money in intermittent spurts. That won’t always be the case. But for now, I get to be honest, and I get to follow my heart in whatever random, chaotic direction it feels like going that particular day. Dunkey faces a different sort of pressure than I do.

All of this is to say I have no idea what I’m doing, I guess. I make the content I want to see.

That being said, I increasingly think about something I heard Woolie say early on when he went solo for his WoolieVS channel, and that was the idea of “One for you, one for me, one for us.”

Because I’ve had more than one friend burn out doing, like, Twitch streams and stuff. You hear about Youtubers who get sick of being shackled to new releases or whatever’s popular. At some point these people wake up and realize they’ve had this struggle, maybe made some money in the process, but they’re miserable because they don’t get to do what they want to do. They’re always being pushed forward by the fans that are behind them.

The “One for you, one for me, one for us” mantra does at least keep you a little more sane. Balance in all things, right? So that Jurassic Park video, it can flop. It’d be nice if it didn’t flop, given what time of the year it is, but it’s a video for me. I have other video ideas in the chamber that I know will be for my audience, or “for us.”

I just have to stay true to myself, and to my messy brain.

[raisingsupergirl]

I'm Back! Returning to the "Real World" After Six Weeks Unplugged and Undrugged

If I'm being honest, I don't really want to write this post. I don't want to go back to the way things were. It feels like returning from vacation on a Sunday evening and setting my work alarm for Monday morning. I know my next vacation won't come for a while. I know I'm "back in it" now. And the sensation is completely opposite of what I'd expected from all of the "restrictions" I put on myself six weeks ago. But I'm sure you're just dying to know how I did, so here goes.

I failed. A lot. Just like I said I would. And the number one thing I failed at was reading to my kids. I tried it. Once. I started Harry Potter, but it felt like pulling teeth. I didn't enjoy it. The kids didn't enjoy it (even though I poured all of my energy into the BEST character voices). But even if I didn't read to my children, at least I didn't fail completely at reading. In fact, I stayed pretty true to my goal of replacing my weeknight TV with reading (with a subtle exception… but I'll get to that later), and it was honestly one of the biggest successes of all. Just an hour or two of quiet entertainment and contemplation in the evenings (whether with a Bible devotional or a bloody space adventure) did wonders for my mood and sleep habits. And speaking of sleep habits…

I failed at that, too. Again, not completely, but I definitely didn't live up to the whole bargain. I don't care how comfortable I got with going to bed at 9:45 pm and waking up at 5:45 am, when I would get home from work at 9:15 at night, there was no way I was going to have time to eat, shower, and wind down enough to be asleep within thirty minutes. And so, I bent the rules a little. But never more than an hour. And that's where I found my rhythm. I would never go to bed or wake up more than an hour different than I did the day before. That compromise allowed me to adjust slowly to different schedules without suffering too much.

Interestingly enough, the things I succeeded at completely are the things that sound like the biggest commitments. I worked out every day without fail, I didn't get on social media or YouTube, and I cut out all drugs (aka alcohol, tobacco, caffeine, night time snacking, and weekday fast food) cold turkey, right down to my morning pre-workout drink, which has a little caffeine in it. I'm not sure exactly why these things were easier to stick to. I'm sure a part of it has to do with my particular personality, but I suspect the bigger part is the nature of these things. They're easier to define. Easier to grasp and control. So what's the big deal about sleeping in a few extra minutes on the weekends (half-asleep rationale is always a little bit skewed…)? Why should I fight to read to my kids if they don't even enjoy it? But exercise and diet are very external. They're obvious to myself and to others when I screw them up. There's more accountability, so they're not as easy to make excuses for. The hardest promises to keep are the ones nobody knows about.

And… there's a third factor, and I hinted at it earlier. Remember when I said I didn't TECHINCALLY stick to the "no TV during the week" goal? Well, I didn't "watch" TV during the week, per se. But that's because I was playing a video game. A video game called "The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild." And, well, I was completely unprepared for it. First, Zelda is my jam. Always has been since I was a wee lad. Like most functioning adults, I fell away from video games after high school because I was trying to make all the monies and didn't have time to spend six hours at a time in front of a screen. But when Santa brought us a Nintendo Switch for Christmas, I knew there was a game I "had" to try. And, well, BotW didn't disappoint. Those who have played Skyrim or other open-world games would have known what they were in for, but I didn't. 

The moment I popped open that glider and drifted off of the Great Plateau, the real world faded away. This game had no limits. No boundaries. It's impossible to describe my awe at that slow and continuing realization as I delved into underground temples, climbed distant peaks, and trudged through vast deserts, so I won't try. Those who think video games are "a waste of time" will never get it, and those who embrace the value of story telling already know what I'm talking about. Suffice it to say that I "did the Zelda things." Not all the things, mind you. I didn't find all the koroks, beat all the shrines, or kill all the lynels, but I DID awaken the Divine Beasts, sneak into the castle dungeon to claim the Hylian shield, tame the royal mare, ride all the animals, build Tarry Town from the ground up, and head butt a guardian to death with the Lord of the Mountain. I trudged through every region and stared out at the realm from the highest spire of Hyrule castle. In the end, I defeated Calamity Ganon and brought peace to the land. And in that triumphant moment, I finally realized the truth about the game…

It was just another drug. You see, I never did have a real urge to sit down to a whiskey and a pile of snacks on a Saturday night, even though that had become an engrained habit over the past year. Why? Because I had an entire world to explore and save! And I needed to stay hydrated and healthy to beat the biggest baddies in Hyrule. The game completely overshadowed other primal urges. Any time I was feeling lazy or weak—times when I would look for a quick, mindless reward—I would pick up the Switch controller. And sometimes, that would be during the week. In fact, all told, I played 110 hours over six weeks. That's around two-and-a-half hours a day, EVERY day! So the amount of time I would have generally wasted with social media, TV, or "drugs," I instead committed to Zelda.

In the end, I'm not sure what to think about the whole six-week experience. I do know that I grew closer to God. My thoughts cleared significantly. I experienced deeper and wider peace, seeing previously scary and stressful situations with new clarity and confidence. I loved my family more completely, and I committed harder to my duties (work, family, etc). But I had low moments, too. Not enough to hit rock bottom or consider giving up, but because I knew what it felt like to ride that "high" with my savior and creator, to be present in the moment with a sense of purpose and appreciation, every moment of minor disconnection or apathy hit me harder than it normally would have. So I guess everything is relative. Once we know just how good we can feel, our expectations rise. On the other hand, my perspective has changed regarding rewards and fulfillment. A moment of earned relaxation or celebration doesn't need to include a glass of wine. I don't "need" to stay up late and sleep in on the weekends. And most importantly, my joy comes from God, not from the things I do, but there ARE some things that keep me away from God's joy. Mostly things that become habit—things I fall back on when I want to "check out."

And I guess that's the whole point. When we're present and intentional, life's good. We're happy with our choices and usually with the results. But when we're exhausted, when we've given all we can and think we've earned some reward (or at least a break)… well, that's when we make mistakes. And that's when we should just go to bed. Sure, maybe a little reading to calm us down and get our minds right first, but we're never at our worst than when we're mentally tapped out. And so, I plan to be more aware of this fact through the rest of the year. I'm going to continue to cut out electronics during the week. I'm going to avoid the Facebook scroll (which doesn't appeal to me even a little bit anymore). I'm going to enjoy sunrises and cuddles. And, most importantly, I'm going to create the time and space for quiet thought and divine whispers.

That's my secret to happiness. Do less (especially less "check out" activities like Twitter and television) and think more. Talk less and listen more. Let your "yes" be "yes" and your "no" be "no." In other words, live a life that speaks for itself and don't feel the need to justify your thoughts and actions to everyone. Live lightly, love deeply, and let the rest wash away with the tide. That's all I've got, friends. And you know what? This post was actually a joy to write. I'm excited to be back, to see my friends again, to share what I've learned with you, and to learn FROM you. And most importantly, I’m excited to enjoy all the beauty that the real world has to offer...

[thatsonemorbidcorvid]

“

At 11 years old we were ushered into an empty classroom for "The Talk". Girls went into one room and boys into another, emphasising the secret nature of the things to be discussed. For about an hour, the nurse they had called in told us about the female reproductive system, periods and how it all worked. At the end there was a Q&A and the brave few who raised their hands were given practical, shame-free answers. We all left with a “goodie-bag” containing a packet of tampons, a handful of sanitary towels and a booklet on how our bodies worked. Whilst the science was no secret and we had sex education lessons all together in our class, the idea that periods were “woman things” and not to be discussed with the boys was cemented in our minds.

At 14, I read Carrie by Stephen King. From the brutal beginning (a girl gets her first period in a high-school changing room and believes herself to be dying), to the final blood-soaked climax, the whole book is a testament to the primal nature of menstruation and the negative associations. For Carrie, her blood inspires cruelty in other girls, religious insanity in her mother and, ultimately, her death as she leaves the book the way she entered it – blood-soaked and publicly humiliated. The book was written in 1974 but banned from American school libraries in 1992 due to the swearing, anti-religious themes and references to puberty.

It is now 2020. Earlier this month, a Tampax advert was removed from Irish television following complaints from 84 viewers. The ad, which took the form of a fake talk show advising women that they should not be able to feel their Tampons and had to “get ‘em up there”, was removed because of the “sexual innuendo” and “excessive detail”.

This week, Bodyform introduced their newest ad campaign alongside the hashtag #wombstories. The advert itself shows darkly humorous cartoon images of a womb-in-action, alongside footage of women experiencing infertility, miscarriage and other less traumatic yet embarrassing “delights” provided by our wombs on a monthly basis.

The initial public response has been positive, with people of all ages sharing their own womb stories and calling to normalise the discussion.

But as always, there is a coterie of nay-sayers determined to shame and bully women for discussing their experiences. The last 24 hours have seen men suggesting Bodyform “check their ad focus” as they don’t believe it should be promoted on the timelines of “50-year-old blokes”, alongside the usual comedians suggesting Bodyform include some “hot chicks” to make more men take notice. One early male commenter posted that discussing wombs was “immodest” and was immediately reminded by numerous users that he came from a womb. Jean Hatchet, who lives with (and raises money for) ovarian cancer was one such respondent, only to have her cancer proclaimed “fake” and details of her workplace posted publicly on Twitter in retaliation.

The idea that women’s bodies are merely decorative and should be viewed through a sexual lens without any of that nasty, real stuff getting in the way is dated and dangerous. The lack of real education combined with the pornographic ideals of what female bodies should look like (hairless, pneumatic, shiny and scented) create a false impression which can have real life consequences for many young girls.

The charity Samaritans was founded in 1953 by a vicar who had held a funeral for a 14-year-old parishioner who had killed herself following her first period (lacking real knowledge she assumed she had an STD, despite being a virgin). Today we like to think that such things can no longer happen, yet girls in Rwanda are forced to skip school during their periods due to social stigma and women elsewhere are dying because their pain and concerns are dismissed as “women’s problems”. It is no longer acceptable to think of female reproductive issues as “women’s things”: they are human things and should be taught as such.

If I wish to discuss these things privately, in the company of other women, then I should be able to do so. Likewise, if I feel they need to be given a public audience to help raise awareness and reduce stigma then that should be equally acceptable.

For men to attempt to police our factual discussions of our bodies, whilst being perfectly happy to indulge in conversations where those same bodies are objectified, is ludicrous. If men are able to openly discuss women as a series of idealised body parts, they should be prepared to understand the biological processes which underpin the bodies they are idealising. Likewise we should be teaching our daughters about their own bodies and how to speak out when something is not right. Our health and wellbeing depends on it. “

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

The Pretty Reckless’ Taylor Momsen: “This record saved my life”

The Pretty Reckless frontwoman Taylor Momsen faces your questions about lost friends, life in quarantine and her band’s new album

Four years on from their last album, The Pretty Reckless return in the face of personal loss and depression for the follow-up, Death By Rock And Roll. In the meantime, we challenged frontwoman Taylor Momsen to answer your burning questions on the band’s new era, making dream collaborations come true and… really rubbish tigers?

What can you tell us about how the new album is sounding? Debbie Smith (email)

“Awesome! I’m ecstatic for people to hear it. It’s been a long time coming and we’ve been sitting on music waiting to put it out, it’s been torturous. I don’t want to say too much but I am very confident with this album – in a lot of ways, this might be our best album yet; it’s very much a rebirth for this band and it feels like the first record in a lot of ways. I know to my core that I’m extraordinarily proud of what we’ve accomplished on this album, it’s a new chapter in the band’s life. This record saved my life and I’m really excited to share it.”

If you could collaborate with anyone on a future album who would it be and why? Jenni Owens (email)

“I don’t know because I don’t think of music like that, I think collaborations have to come about organically and in these modern times of streaming, collaborations are used more as a marketing tool than an actual artistic statement and I don’t really like that. I very rarely collaborate with people, but I say that just as I got to collaborate on this new album with some amazing people like Matt Cameron and Kim Thayil of Soundgarden on a song called Only Love Can Save Me Now, which we recorded at London Bridge Studios in Seattle where Soundgarden made Louder Than Love, Pearl Jam made Ten and Alice In Chains recorded there. It’s such an iconic space, so being there with those guys and hearing the song I wrote come to life with them playing it was one of the best experiences of my life. The collaboration came about in a really natural way through a lot of tragedy; we were opening for them on that last tour before Chris Cornell passed and that created a bond. We also have a song, And So It Went, that features Tom Morello playing the guitar solo – again that was such an amazing artistic collaboration. When I wrote the song, he immediately came to mind as a voice that could really express the concept, the lyrics and the point of the song and really take it to another level and he certainly does; when he comes in, it’s undeniably Tom Morello and it’s awesome!”

What do you think of them rebooting your old TV show Gossip Girl? Danielle Harris (email)

“I’m curious to see it! Social media and technology has changed so much since that show first aired so it’ll be interesting to see what they do with it. I remember on the show, they used to periodically give your character a new phone and it was still flip phones when it started… now everyone’s glued to iPhones and you feel like you’re dying without a smartphone. The social commentary alone will be interesting to see how they take that and bring it into the modern life we’re all living in.”

What did 2020 teach you? @immortalevfan (Twitter)

“It’s taught me patience, which I think I had a pretty good handle on ahead of 2020 but it certainly has tested my boundaries of how patient I can be. It’s taught me to appreciate the small things that we overlook in life – if we were on tour right now, I wouldn’t be getting to spend time with my tiny dog ,who’s very old, before she’s inevitably going to pass. I’ve been enjoying the little moments of being at home because the rest of my life has always been a whirlwind and was always on the go, so now there’s no other option but to reflect on your own thoughts and your own life.”

Would you rather have an army of badass ducks or one really crap tiger? James Brian Fitzgerald (Facebook)

“Can’t it be one badass tiger or a load of ducks? I’m kind of a solitude, isolated person; I have very few friends but the friendships I have go deep. Because a lot of ducks seems a little overwhelming, I think I want one tiger but I’d have to get him on the game. He just needs a little sensei training; I’ll give him a Soundgarden record and we’ll be on the same page. I’ll reform that tiger!”

Who in the music industry was most helpful to you taking your first steps and adapting into that world? Jane McAhrane (email)

“I have to give credit to my managers who I’ve been with for a very long time, they’ve always supported my visions and always had my back, but I think the main people are in the band. It started when I first met Ben [Phillips], our guitarist and my songwriting partner, and our producer Kato at the same time. There was an undeniable chemistry and magic that you can’t duplicate – it was something otherworldly, if you believe in that kind of thing. It was a defining moment in my life. Through that, I met Mark Damon [bass] and Jamie Perkins [drums]. When we all came together and made the decision to see where this was going to go, quit our jobs and I quit acting, we really jumped in with both feet. The support, camaraderie and the way we looked at music and life, everything about it is amazing.”

In your opinion, has having the career in acting helped or hindered the public perception and success of the band? And how long do you think it took for people to see you as a musician rather than the actress who has a band? Matt Heeks (Facebook)

“I think it was a combination of both a hindrance that we had to overcome and a slight help to the press side. In the beginning it certainly helped get our name out there because I was known for something else and I was living in a tabloid world at the time, so it spread the band’s name around, but I don’t think it contributed anything to the actuality of what it is to be a band, to make music and to be successful at that – having your name written in a bunch of articles doesn’t validate anything. I think the people who gave the album a chance without judging it with a pre- existing notion and went in with an open mind, they noticed pretty quickly. The rest of the world took a while to see this for what it was. There’s no facade, it’s just who we are as people.”

Do you think we are more likely to cry or headbang during the new album? @xxrecklesstayxx (Twitter)

“I think you’ll get a bit of both! There’s a very full spectrum on this record; it starts in the dark and ends in the light and it really takes you on a journey. If the first half doesn’t work for you, you’ll find something in the second half and vice versa. It encapsulates everything we’ve been through since the last time we were out and about in the world. A lot of this record was made due to how much tragedy and loss that suddenly thrust itself upon our lives in a short amount of time, from Chris Cornell’s passing to our producer Kato Khandwala [who died following a motorcycle crash in 2018]. [Kato] was my best friend on the planet and that was the nail in the coffin for me. I went down into a hole of depression and substance abuse and I didn’t know how to get out of it; it was music that saved me, it pulled me out and made me want to keep going. Writing this record was all I had left and I think you can really hear that on the album.”

What do you miss most about touring? Aimee Baker (email)

“I miss you guys, the fans! I’m going through show withdrawal, I miss being onstage with my best friends and cranking the amps, screaming into microphones and never really knowing what’s going on. I miss the whole energy of live shows because there’s nothing like it; it’s a drug and there’s nothing that competes with it. Being in the studio and writing gives you a different substantial kind of high that lasts forever, whereas shows are just one night but you can’t beat that one night.”

Any plans to release an acoustic album of any of your songs or covers? @Jmj2022 (Twitter)

“No specific plans but it’s certainly something we’ve been talking about for years now at this point. Because we haven’t been able to get together as a band plugged in, I’ve been doing a lot of acoustic stuff from home. We just released a piano version of House On A Hill, which is something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time and I think that turned out really beautiful. I’ve got to work with some amazing friends and musicians; Alain Johannes and I covered Chris Cornell’s The Keeper together, I also got to work with Matt Cameron and we recorded Halfway There by Soundgarden. Things are happening that wouldn’t have come about if we were on tour.”