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dilfdarling · 1 day ago

Note

Can I request a John Walker anything with enemies to lovers. That blonde himbo has not left my mind in weeks 🥲🫡

-🌟anon

RAAAHH YES YOU CAN🌟ANON!! I literally wrote all this and realized you did not specify smut but like... here we are... so minors dni! If this isn't to your liking, feel free to re-request! ANYWAY!! LET'S DIVE IN!

Restraint

John Walker x Enhanced Fem!Reader

Summary: Yelena had found you, insisting you join the team. John thought of you as a liability, someone with no control. Unfortunately, you are put into a position where you have to prove you have more control than John is aware of.

Warnings: EXPLICIT! 18+! MINORS DNI! descriptions of murder and blood. John is unable to read a room. reader has pretty strong powers and a sad back story. no use of y/n. praise, begging, finger sucking, mild guided masturbation, vaginal fingering, loss of virginity, inexperienced reader, mentions of pregnancy, creampie.

Word Count: 10.6k (GULPS)

A/N: This one got away from me, fast. Took me like three days to finish this thing. I wanted to add much more, but I felt like it was too long already, im sorry. this is my first time writing enemies to lovers I think!! also, i'm very proud of the smut in this, im getting way more comfortable writing it! 18+ divider by @/cafekitsune, heart divider by @/enchanthings-a

You were a new addition to the team. Extremely new. Yelena had found you and wanted to take you under her wing. No one seemed to have any problems with you. Valentina had even thought you were an amazing addition. Everyone loved you, except Walker.

You were playing on your phone, sitting with Bob, when Bucky’s voice in the room over caught your attention.

“Walker,” Bucky threatened, the door behind closing. They just walked in. You froze and paused your game. “I’m going to have to ask you to shut the fuck up. I will not be asking again.”

“All I’m saying—” John paused. “Look,” You heard his hand hit the table. “She may be more of a liability than anything.”

Your face dropped. He had to be talking about you. You put your phone down and turned towards the room. Bob caught this. His hand nudged you and you looked back at him. He noticed something was wrong immediately.

“What’s wrong?” Bob tilted his head, and you looked back towards the room.

You remembered not everyone has your hearing. “They were talking about me.” You whispered. Your bottom lip poked out and Bob seemed confused.

“Who?”

“Walker and Bucky.”

Bob nodded. He understood immediately.

You heard Bucky speaking. “I said to fucking drop it. She’s good. She’s not going anywhere.” His voice was low, but not low enough.

“She needs more training.” John stated it so obviously. “She is going to hurt herself or kill someone else.”

Your jaw clenched. You let out a low guttural noise. Bob tensed. You stood from your spot on the couch and the lights in the room you were in began to flicker.

“Anyway, where did Yelena find her?”

You slammed into the door, swinging it open, not realizing Bob was right behind you. The light above you began to flash harshly. Your eyes hit John and rage consumed you. “Wouldn’t you like to know, you fucking—”

Bucky was quick to put himself between the both of you. John’s eyes widened. He seemed to be remembering that you had enhanced hearing.

“Whoa,” He put his hands up, trying to save himself from becoming collateral damage. “I was just telling Bucky—”

“That I’m some ticking time bomb?” The light above you blew, the light bulb shattering. “That I will kill someone.” You wanted it to be him. Right then and there. Bob’s hand gently touched your shoulder and at that moment, he was keeping you from launching yourself past Bucky and into John.

“I think I’ve proven my point.” He is not even looking at you. Only Bucky. Your eyes widened and your shoulders dropped. He did not even care to look at you. Your pupils dilated and your breathing hitched. You wanted to wreck him. Bucky did not move from in front of you and turned back towards you. He looked back at Bob and motioned for him to leave. He refrained from arguing and left the room.

“Look at me.” Bucky gripped your shoulders tightly. Your eyes were looking past Bucky and right at John. Walker looked at you briefly and turned around and began to leave. Your hand flexed and as soon as he went to open the door, it slammed right in his face. You let out a low growl, still focused on John. “I’m not fucking around!” Bucky shook you, trying to snap you out of it. “Focus on me!” Bucky turned back to John, who was fidgeting with the door. “Leave!”

“I can’t!” John yelled back.

Your head tilted to the side and your fingers twitched. John’s shoulder slammed into the door. It did not budge. Your eyes narrowed, pupils blowing wide. Your jaw clenched and the thought of launching John out of the nearest window crossed your mind. You decided that would not look good. So, fucking with him would be do, for now.

A wicked smirk pulled at your lips, and you released the door, as soon as his shoulder slammed into it again, sending him flying out of the room you were all in.

“What the fuck!?” Bucky groaned.

John hit the ground and turned back to look at you. His eyes hit yours and they narrowed. He stood up and seemed to be thinking about physically removing Bucky and taking care of you himself.

“Don’t do it!” Bucky pointed at John.

“No,” Your eyes were black by now, “do it.” You smiled widely at him, your teeth bared. “Make my fucking night.”

The door behind you opened and you were snatched back through the doorway. You were slammed into the ground, and you blinked a couple times, eyes returning to normal. Yelena sat on top of you, straddling you, holding you down. You were not about to move.

You may have had enhanced durability, but you did not have the strength she did, leaving you laying under her.

“What are you doing?” She was inches from your face. She tilted her head, and she waited for your answer. You sucked in air and scrunched your nose. Bucky and John stood behind Yelena, also waiting to hear what you had to say. You peeked back, seeing Bob standing there, hands clasped, worry filled.

You shrugged, “I was… I was mad.” You admitted. You swallowed hard and froze. “John—” You snapped, looking over at him. He did not flinch, his eyes narrowed. “—is acting like I shouldn’t be here. I was just mad.”

Yelena let some weight off of you but still did not release you. She nodded and looked back at John. “We are a team.” She was speaking to the both of you. “We do not attack each other. Or talk about each other behind the others’ backs.”

You nodded and looked back towards John. His eyes were stuck on you. You wanted to throw Yelena to the side and throttle him. Your jaw clenched again, and Yelena removed herself from you. As you stood up, Yelena gently grabbed your arm and began to guide you towards the other side of the room, towards the door. She was escorting you to your room.

You felt like a child.

You had not seen John in two days. You were thankful. But you were also sure that Yelena was trying to keep you two apart. At least for now.

You walked towards the main door of the tower. You needed out. Just for a little bit. As you reached the large doors, and you hand grabbed the handle, you heard it. Someone whispering your name. You groaned, head rolling back when you recognized the voice.

You turned around and saw Valentina walking towards you. She was smirking. Your hand dropped from the door, and you crossed your arms at her.

“I knew you would hear me,” She winked at you. “You headed out for lunch?” She questioned you.

You pulled a wad of ones from your pocket, “More like a snack.” You deadpanned.

“Well,” She gave you a genuine smile, “I’ll treat you to lunch!”

You were undeniably hungry, but you were also weary of Valentina. You sighed. You opened the door for her. “Okay.”

“Good choice.” She walked out and you wandered behind her. She led you down the streets of New York. She immediately noticed you flinching when a car horn blared. “New around here?” She questioned you.

“Uh,” You faltered. “I’m new everywhere.”

She turned and handed you some earpieces. You narrowed your eyes. You had always been good at reading people, ever since becoming your own person. But Valentina was proving to be exceptionally hard to read. “Here.” She placed them in your hands. “They’re noise cancelling. I’m sure if you put them in it’ll cancel some noise and you’ll still be able to hear me.”

You placed them in your ears and noticed some noises around you become duller.

“Can you hear me?” She tilted her head at you. You nodded. “Good.” She continued down the sidewalk and eventually the both of you came across a little cafe. She walked in and you scuttled in behind her. “What do you like?” You shrugged.

“Never had coffee.” You admitted.

“Oh, you poor thing.” She patted you on the shoulder, but not like she wanted to. “I’ll get you what I get. And for food?” She clicked her tongue, waiting for your response.

“I’ll just get that, uh,” You looked at the menu, “muffin.” You smiled awkwardly at the person behind the counter.

He gave you a concerned look and began to get your order ready. Valentina paid and walked over to a table. You followed closely behind her. She sat down, motioning for you to sit across from her, and you did.

“You’re the only one that remembers.” You looked at Valentina. She gave you a confused look. “That I have enhanced hearing.”

“Oh,” She nodded, “yeah, I like to get to know my team.”

You froze up. Completely. You swallowed hard and blinked. “What do you know about me?”

“Hm,” She tapped her chin. “That you are some successful lab experiment. You blew up the lab you were in and escaped.” She shrugged. “Just the known stuff.” You twitched. The light above you flickered. Valentina looked up and smirked. “Hey,” She whispered. “No need to do all that. I’m on your side after all.”

You straightened up and tensed. You inhaled slowly and your eyes did not move from Valentina. “Okay.” You nodded. “What did you want to bring me to lunch for?” Your jaw clenched and quickly relaxed. “You obviously have an ulterior motive.”

Valentina leaned in. “It’s about John Walker.”

You almost came unglued. “What!?” You refrained from creating a city-wide power outage. You leaned in closer to Valentina and scowled. “Why?” You were white knuckling the table. She looked down at your hands and back up to you.

“Well, you haven’t been on a mission yet, have you?” Her tone was belittling. You wanted to throw the table; it was the only thing keeping you from her. “I think John would do wonderfully at breaking you in.”

“Breaking me— Breaking me in!?” Your voice was strained. “He hates my fucking guts.”

“And you hate his.”

Your pupils blew wide. Your head tilted and your hands released from the table.

“Do not do anything rash, dearie.” She laughed, low and soft. “You can’t blow this place up and get away with it.”

She had a point.

Through gritted teeth, you asked her the most important question. “When do we leave?”

“Tonight.”

You got up from your seat and began to make your exit from the building.

“You haven’t even tried coffee!” Valentina shouted at you. You tried your best to ignore her.

Yelena stood beside you. Her hand rested on your shoulder; she was trying to be comforting.

“It’ll be okay.” She whispered to you.

Your eyes were burning a hole into the aircraft’s interior. You did not even look at her, “Okay?” Your head snapped towards her. “I’m going on my first official mission and it’s with him!” You pointed at John. “I wanted it to be you.” You slumped down in your seat, crossing your arms.

John laughed. “You think this is an inconvenience for you?” He barked back. “I’m not enjoying this either!” He shook his head. “I’m just hoping you don’t get mad and crash this quinjet!”

Your body went limp. You kept from pouting. Instead, you stood up from your seat. “I have more control than you think, Walker.” You narrowed your eyes. “There are good people here, I wouldn’t want them dead.”

“Sit down.” Yelena pulled you towards the seat.

You yanked away from her. “No.” You walked towards the doors of the quinjet and waited. “We’re arriving soon.”

John groaned. He did not say anything. He did not have to. You could read his face from a mile away. You huffed and waited to reach your drop location.

Yelena stood up and handed you and John an earpiece. You looked at it and then at her. John placed his in his ear and you faltered. You cocked a brow at Yelena.

“Do I need this?”

“Why else would she give you one?” John quipped.

“Shut up.” Yelena snapped at him. “Yes. You do. It’ll keep you connected to me if shit goes sideways.” She reassured you.

You nodded and fixed the earpiece. Soon the jet reached its landing spot and John, and you were off. Both of you exited the jet in silence. Once you told Yelena bye, you were sure the whole mission was going to be done in silence.

John hopped into the driver's seat of the vehicle that was taking you to your final destination. You slid into the passenger seat and sighed.

“How much information did Valentina give you?” John’s voice was level, almost emotionless.

Your brows knitted together. “Why?” Your head tilted. “I mean, she told me we were handling a rogue scientist. Easy enough, right?” You let out a nervous laugh.

“You’re anxious about it.”

“Yeah, Walker,” You nodded, “I am.” You tensed, “I grew up in a lab. I don’t like scientists too much.”

John quit talking. He began to drive to the location.

“What did she tell you?” You questioned him.

“The same thing. Said she didn’t have too much information.” He seemed uneasy in his seat. “Other than the scientist is pretty fucked, I know about as much as you do.”

You nodded. That helped ease none of your nerves. You picked at your cuticles as John drove. The two of you reached some long, winding roads and eventually, John drove past the coordinates you were given. You looked at him and motioned back.

“You drove past it, you fu—”

“Did you see those?” He looked back over his shoulder.

“No?” You shook your head. “I saw you drive past our target’s location!”

John sighed. He slowed down and stopped on the side of the road. “There were cameras. Our target must be expecting something.” His hands gripped the wheel, and he looked at you, his eyes boring into your own. “Think you’d be able to cut them off?” His tone…

You sneered. “Of course.” You sat back in your seat. “Go back. I’ve got this.”

John shook his head. He turned around and began to drive back towards the target’s driveway. You began to focus, pay attention. You saw a large, abandoned building back past a large gate. And in front of that gate were cameras. Your fingers twitched and the camera’s popped, easily and quickly exploding.

Without John having to ask, you began to pry the large metal gates apart and John drove through the new opening. As he pulled in, you shut the gates behind you and John parked the car. You gave him a look as he unbuckled. “Gotta walk from here.” You looked ahead at the distance you would be walking and groaned.

You unbuckled and shuffled out of the car. You quietly shut the door and began to drag your feet behind John. You were both alert. More alert than ever. John’s hand was on his gun, ready to shoot anything that got in his way, and you were ready to launch anything that came towards you out of orbit.

The both of you snuck towards the abandoned looking building. And before long, you realized it was in fact not abandoned at all. A loud alarm began to blare, and you flinched. You covered your ears and stumbled forward.

John’s hand grabbed you, keeping you from falling over. His grip was harsh. “No time for that,” He looked around after steadying you.

“Sorry, Walker,” You hissed, “That sound is frying my eardrums.” You focused on the building. Hoping to see something, anything related to that noise that you could destroy.

A drone whirred around you. Somewhere. You perked up, one of your hands dropping from your ear and you looked around. “Hear that?” You looked at John. He shook his head. “Something is here.” Your eyes hit a small drone, and you raised your hand. Your fingers curled into your palm and the drone went flying, before you blew into pieces.

As soon as it exploded, the alarm stopped. You dropped your other hand and looked around some more. Your brows furrowed and you swallowed hard.

“No way was that drone controlling the alarm.”

“No.” You shook your head. “They know we’re here.”

You and John started towards the building again. Once you reached it, John raised his gun, ready to shoot on sight. You pushed the door, it was unlocked. They’re expecting us… That was the only thought running through your head. John insisted on walking ahead of you, and for once you did not argue.

The first floor of the building was normal. But once you reached the second floor, memories started to come back. Broken vials were littered across the tile. The place seemed to have been abandoned a long time ago. And yet, someone was there, operating everything.

You looked around, for clues, for signs of any other life; you looked for anything. Your skin was crawling, and the scent of medicines and latex filled your nose. You were going to vomit. You inhaled sharply and bumped into Walker. You did not realize just how close you were to him.

“Are you alright?” He whispered. He sounded… concerned. For once in your life, he sounded worried. And seemingly not for his own safety.

“I don’t—”

No time to answer. A ding rang through the floor, and the elevator at the hallway behind the both of you began to open. You turned slowly, much slower than John had turned.

The scientist, before you got turned around completely, clicked their tongue. Your head fully turned, and your eyes hit them. Your eyes widened and you almost screamed. Your hand instinctively grabbed John’s bicep. He was pointing his gun, waiting for the okay to shoot.

Static came through your earpiece. Yelena was trying to speak. Something was wrong. She sounded concerned, but nothing she said was coming through.

“Dr. Wren…” You were gripping John tightly now. Your fingers clung to him; he was keeping you level. Somehow.

“Oh, dear,” Wren shook her head, “you remembered me?” She stepped from the elevator and began to walk towards you, you were frozen. “I’m truly flattered.” She touched her palm to her chest and her head dropped slightly.

“How are you alive?” Your voice was soft, frail.

John looked between the two of you. “Do not take another step.” John snapped. His finger was on the trigger.

“Hm,” Wren eyed John up and down, “A super soldier?” Her eyes hit you again, “What on earth are you doing these days? If you were perfect, you wouldn’t even need a team. Much less… Him.”

You swallowed hard. “Dr. Wren.” You were shaking at that point. “What are you doing?”

“Waiting for you!” She clapped her hands together.

John was quick to pull the trigger as soon the words left her mouth. The bullet never came out. Your body went limp, and time seemed to stand still. The gun was being pulled from John’s hands and in seconds, it ended up in hers. She examined it.

“This is nice. Too bad you won’t need it anymore.”

You were stunned. John, however, was not. He took off towards Wren. Wren’s other hand rose, and John was sent flying backwards, into the wall. She held him there; he was stuck in her mental grip. She pointed the gun at you. John let out a yell, you could not tell if he was in pain, or if he was angry. Potentially both.

With John being held hostage in the corner, you were stuck facing your demons and Dr. Wren by yourself.

Dr. Wren sighed. “I’m not going to kill you.” She reassured you. It was not reassuring at all. “I have bigger plans, you know. Well, had. You sort of blew them up.” She growled the last part out. “But I restarted them. Here. I knew I’d be put on someone’s radar. The chance of you finding me? Higher than you could ever imagine. And look at us, together again.”

“I could kill you.” The words fumbled out of your mouth.

Dr. Wren waved the gun around. “Could. You aren't capable of that. Look at you! You’re shaking.” She cooed at you. “You don’t even realize how strong you are… I underwent the tests you had gone through. I remade every serum, every single thing we put into you, I put into me.” She smiled

“Kill her!” John screamed from the corner.

“Don’t listen to him.” She pointed the gun at John. “I’ll shoot him quicker than you could even think about rearranging the molecules in my body.”

You were in a battle with yourself. If you blew that place up, John would potentially go down with it. You hated John, but you did not want him dead by your hand.

“What do you want?”

“Oh,” She seemed shocked. “That was easy. You.”

“No.” You shook your head. “I can’t do that again!” You began to raise your voice.

Wren sneered. The gun went off. Your head snapped towards John and the bullet hit his stomach. He howled in pain. Something in you snapped. You looked back at Wren. Your hands tensed and the lights above you flickered on. They became bright, so bright you could barely see, before blowing completely out. As soon as the bulbs blew, the windows around you shattered.

She pointed the gun at you. “I created you,” She smiled so sweetly, “I can do it again. I’d hate to.” Her finger was on the trigger. “But I will.”

Your pupils blew wide; the room began to rip apart around you. Tears filled your eyes as you looked over at John. You pushed desks and tables his way, keeping him safe from any debris that could hit him. You pressed the button on your earpiece, hoping everyone would hear you. “I’m sorry.” You locked onto Wren. “For everything I’m about to do.” You ripped your earpiece out.

Your hand shot up and you removed the gun from Wren’s grasp. It landed in yours. You launched it out the window and looked back at the doctor, who was trying to control everything flying towards her. You picked up the small pieces of glass surrounding the two of you and angled them at her.

“Wren.” You were numb. “You will not be hurting me, or anyone else. Not again.” Your fingers curled into your palm, and you shot the glass towards her. Screams of agony escaped her. You hummed, “Must have forgotten that durability, huh?”

The building was starting to crumble around the both of you. You did not notice, and Wren did not care. She put her hand up and tried her best to step you from approaching. You, instead, put your arms out, locking her in her spot. As soon as you reached her, your head tilted. She began to beg.

“This isn’t you!” She screamed. “Please, I raised you! I raised you—”

“This is me…” You smirked. “You raised me to be this way. Through hours of ‘training’ and ‘testing’. I promise, this is exactly what you wanted.”

“Please!” You reached her. “It will kill him!” She pointed towards John. “You’re killing him.”

Suddenly, everything stopped. Everything fell down. Your eyes darkened. Blood dripped from her face, glass covering her exposed skin. “Okay…” You nodded. “He doesn’t have to die…” You looked at John, and then back to Wren. “But you do.”

Her jaw dropped. You latched onto her. Your hands grabbed her hair, and you slammed her into the ground. You released her hair and began to slam your fists into her face. You were relentless. Everything was numb. Suddenly you could not hear her screaming, you could not hear John groaning. You could only hear your thoughts.

I was raised for this.

She deserves this.

It had to be me…

As you wailed on Wren, slamming her into the tile floor, you were certain nothing was going to stop you. You did not have super strength, but you did have adrenaline. Pure adrenaline. You did not release Wren, not once. You punched, clawed, and slammed her into the floor. Blood covered you. Wren’s blood. It covered your hands and splattered onto your face and clothes.

What a sight to behold. You ripping the woman who had built you up and pulled you apart to pieces.

The light was long gone from her eyes by the time you were being pulled from her body. You could hear your name being spoken, screamed out over and over again. A large arm finally wrapped around your abdomen, and you were torn from the body. You almost lost your mind even more.

“No!” You screamed, trying to scurry back to her body. The grip on you would have been bruising to any normal person. “I have to kill her!” You were sent entirely over the edge.

“She’s dead.” Alexei’s voice was booming in your ear. “She’s dead!”

You snapped out of it, your eyes focusing on the scene before you. You realized she was in fact dead. You had killed her. You blinked a few times, going limp in Alexei’s arm. Your head snapped from Wren’s body and back to John’s. Yelena and Bucky had removed all of the debris you had placed around him, and you struggled to get out Alexei’s grip.

“Let me go!” You were frantic. “Please! I have to check on him!”

Alexei released you and you sprinted towards John. He lied on the ground, blood covering his abdomen. Yelena and Bucky moved to pick him up.

“Do we have a medic? Anyone?” You asked. Yelena shook her head. “The bullet’s still in there!” You started to panic.

“We’ll get him help.”

“Lay him back down.” You demanded.

“We aren’t leaving him to die.” Yelena deadpanned.

“No!” You shook your head. “I can get it out!” You pointed to his wound. John looked like he wanted to protest. “I can get it out…” You locked eyes with him. “Please.”

Yelena and Bucky lied John down on one of the tables you had thrown around the room earlier and you looked over John's wound. Your hand was placed over it. You inhaled sharply and shut your eyes tight.

“Hey!” John sounded frightened. “Don’t you need to see?”

You did not respond. You, instead, raised your hand slightly above the wound. “This is going to hurt.” Your fingers curled into your palm and as soon as John started screaming you knew it was working. You pulled the few pieces of bullet that were in him out and adrenaline was wearing thin. Your head hit John’s chest as soon as you were done and before you could catch yourself, you fell to the floor, passing out.

The sound of whispering and beeping woke you up. Your eyes squinted open, and you rolled onto your side. You saw some monitor and heard Yelena to the other side of you. You lied there for a moment. Until you heard John’s voice.

“I think she’s awake.”

You sat straight up and looked over at them. You were glad he was alive. You remembered he had been shot, and you had helped him. You stared and stared at John and Yelena as you remembered what had happened before you passed out.

“You’re okay now.” Yelena reassured you.

“And because of you, I’m okay too.” John’s inability to read the room never stopped amazing you.

Your eyes hit him and narrowed. Images of how antsy he was before getting to the scientist’s lab played in your mind. You snarled. John leaned back, eyes full of confusion. “Did you know!?” Your voice was level, but full of venom.

John put his hands up. “Know what?” He looked at Yelena and back at you.

Yelena stood up and put herself between the two beds. You swung your legs over the edge of the bed and inhaled sharply through your nose. “You were acting… Weird. Before we got to Wren. You were all nervous looking! Did you know I was walking into Wren’s lab?” Hot, angry tears pricked your eyes.

John shook his head. “I can assure you, I did not know. Like I said, all I knew was that we had to handle some rogue scientist. If I had known, it was someone that had to do with you…” He trailed off. You wanted to relax, but you could not. “I would have gotten someone else to come with me.”

Your shoulders slumped. Your head hung low, eyes looking at the ground. You sighed and then something else clicked.

Valentina.

You ripped everything connected to you right off and rushed from the room. As you hurried down the halls you knew exactly where you could find her. The doors opened before you even got to them, and you were so caught up in your own mind, you did not even realize John and Yelena were behind you.

You ran towards the bar of the tower and the door swung open. You did not have time to walk down the stairs. Instead, you leaped over them and hit the ground with a thud, landing on your feet in a crouching position. You turned and found Valentina, standing at the bar, drink in hand. Your head dropped, and your eyes looked through your lashes, right at her. Valentina turned towards you and smiled.

“You knew!” You shouted at her. The lights above you began to buzz. Valentina looked up at them and back at you. Valentina placed her glass down and you raised your hand. Yelena and John ran down the stairs, a loud and stern ‘no’ coming from Yelena’s mouth. Valentina did not flinch. Your fingers curled inwards and the glass beside her shattered, her drink exploding and getting all over her.

Valentina rolled her eyes, “Really?” She looked down at her outfit. “You ruined my drink and my outfit.”

“I’m sure there’s a dry cleaner around here who could handle that.” You growl at her. Yelena seemed relieved you did not blow Valentina out of the building. Or worse, blow her to pieces. “Why the fuck would you send me to—”

“To Wren?” She finished your sentence. The hair stood up on the back of your neck. The lights started buzzing louder, growing a little brighter. “Well, I think that ended well for everyone!” Valentina clapped her hands.

“John almost died!” You spit out at her.

Valentina placed her hand on her chest. “I thought you hated his guts.” She pouted at you, feigning care. “Anyway,” She walked behind the bar and waved her hand around, “you faced your past, and you saved Walker’s life.”

“Valentina.” Your eyes grew dark, and suddenly the buzzing quit. John and Yelena were preparing to pull you out of the room. Your fists balled tight, and you sneered at her. “Do not pull a stunt like that again.” Your voice was stern. A warning.

You turned away and made a swift exit. Leaving the opposite way, you came in. John and Yelena let you walk off. You inhaled sharply, and realized you needed some fresh air. You looked down at your pajamas someone had changed you into while you were out and immediately thought ‘fuck it’ and wandered towards the first floor of the tower.

As you made your way out of the building you thought about Wren. You leaned against the wall of the tower and images of her body lying in front of you were burned into your brain. You placed your head in your hands and slid down the building. You were curled into yourself. You wanted to be as numb as you were when you murdered Wren. But you felt everything. Guilt, regret, worry, and most importantly fear.

Heavy footsteps came from outside the building. You knew they were way too heavy to be Yelena’s and not heavy enough to be Alexei’s. You groaned, and without looking up, began to talk. “Bucky, I’m not in the mood.”

“Not Bucky.” John stopped right beside you. He leaned against the tower, but he did not lower himself to your level. Instead, he stood above you. Your eyes peeked up at him and your hands fell to your sides. You swallowed hard. “I wanted to tell you—”

You immediately interrupted him. “That I truly am some bomb, ready to blow at any second.” You were glaring through your lashes up at him.

John sighed. He sat beside you and shook his head. “No.” As soon your eyes softened John looked away, at passing traffic, and then back to you. “I wanted to thank you.” He looked uncomfortable. About as uncomfortable as you felt in your own head. “And that,” He sighed, “you have more control than I thought. I mean, you could have, I don’t know—”

“Exploded Valentina with my mind.” You were so serious.

“Yeah.” John shifted. “That.” He swallowed hard, Adam’s apple bobbing. “You showed restraint. I know how hard that is to do.” John grimaced slightly, at himself you assumed. There was a pause between the two of you, uneasy silence. You looked away from John and at the concrete. “Do you hate my guts?”

Your stomach flipped. You looked back at him and pulled your legs tighter to your chest. “I don’t know— Uh, I thought you hated mine, Walker.”

“I never hated you.” John admitted. “I thought you weren’t trained enough to be on the team. You act pretty rash—”

“You don’t?” You did not raise your voice, to John’s surprise. “I thought I hated you.” You were growing even more aware of your surroundings. “It’s like you never remember I can hear every fucking thing! It sucks, John! Hearing someone that is supposed to be your teammate doubting you.” Tears started to come back. You used your sleeves to wipe your eyes, and you kept going. “I understand the concern, really. Apparently more of my situation is public than I could ever imagine. But you could have come to me!” Your voice shook.

John was unsure of how to console you.

“I was poked and prodded since I can literally remember! Wren was a monster, and I remember not even addressing her by her name the last, I don’t know, few years. But the first thirteen years I was there… She was my mother.” You choked out the words. “I killed her! And now,” You waved your hands around. “I really have to live with killing every single person— The only people I ever knew. That raised me.” You trailed off. John went to open his mouth. You were not done. “John,” You looked at him with glossy eyes. “I was raised to be a killer. I’ve proven twice now that I am one.” You fidgeted with your clothes. “What if I can’t change that?”

John made a face, briefly. But you caught it. Your bottom lip poked out and John was fighting with himself with how to help you. “If this whole team can become heroes, I’m sure you can too.” John moved to pat your shoulder, gently, uneasily.

You tensed the second his hand connected with you. John pulled back. He opened his mouth to apologize, and you were quick to interrupt him.

“I can feel it.” You looked down at the concrete, averting your gaze from. “Everything. It’s all so much.” You could not look at John. A weird feeling swirled in your gut. “I’m scared.” You finally looked up at him.

“That’s normal.”

He did not sound reassuring. At all.

“No.” You shook your head. “I was so… I don’t know! When Wren tried to kill you, I— I was worried about you. I covered you, so she couldn’t get to you. Obviously, I was late, ‘cause she shot you…” You bit the inside of your lip. “I didn’t want you to die. And now,” Your voice tapered off.

John let you continue.

“When I was moved from lab to lab, kept in underground facilities, I was never used to feelings. The only thing I felt was hatred. Hatred for my circumstances. Hatred for the woman that created me. She’s gone now. I’m out of those labs. And I feel weird.”

“That’s… Probably normal?” John was concerned.

You sighed. “I’m— Look, I’ll leave you alone now.” You stood up, looking around you. “Thanks for listening to me.”

John could have easily let you leave. You were sure he wanted you to leave. You walked past him and before you were out of his reach, he grabbed your wrist. Just enough to let you leave if you wanted. But enough to tell you, you did not need to leave.

John stood up and released your wrist. His jaw clenched and his eyes met yours once again. You froze. That funny feeling returned. And then you heard it. Over the cars. Over the bustle of the city. A constant thudding. Coming from John. His heart was pounding against his ribs.

“Can we start over?”

You smiled at him. “Yeah. We can.” You looked over John’s shoulder and back at the tower. “Can we go back inside?”

He nodded. The both of you entered the tower, you trailed behind John. You made your way towards the elevator and as soon as he hit the button and the elevator dinged, you inhaled. “You know, you’re not too bad, Wa—” You stopped yourself. “John.”

John stepped into the elevator and smiled; you stepped in behind him. “You’re not too bad yourself.”

“You should learn to drive!” Alexei shouted, excited. “I can teach you!”

You felt genuine fear when he said that. “No.” You shook your head. “I don’t think I should. I mean, I’ve been fine all these years without knowing.”

Alexei shrugged, “You were in facility.” He pointed it out like you were not aware of that. “But now, you are here. In New York!”

“Which is more of a reason to not drive.” Yelena walked in and sat on the couch beside you. You agreed with her. There was too much that could go wrong with driving.

“I think I’ll let the others stick to the driving.”

John, who was stretched out on the other end of the couch, “You really don’t know how?” You and Yelena gave him a look. “It makes sense,” He put his hands up. “I just never thought about it.”

“Well,” You shrugged, “I was always transported from labs, most of the time knocked out, by the guards. They did not trust me enough to take them out and teach me normal people things.”

“That was smart on their part.” Ava, sensing you were not upset, tried to joke. You gave her a confused look, and her smile faded. “You blew their lab up.”

You hit your head gently with your palm, a guttural noise escaping you. “You are so right! How could I forget?” The sarcasm lacing your voice was lost on no one. They were unsure if they should laugh or not. “Hm,” You tapped your chin, “that reminds me, I was supposed to try coffee the other day and didn’t.”

Alexei perked up. “Have you had vodka?” He questioned you, excited for your answer.

“No.” You admitted. “I wasn’t allowed to drink in the facility. Even after hitting the legal drinking age. I was told it could ruin the experiments.”

“Maybe we should not start with vodka.” John sat up and looked at you.

Your head tilted and your brows furrowed. But before you could say anything, Bucky spoke up. “Why are you so concerned now, John?”

You turned to Bucky and made a face. “It’s fine. We’re friends now.”

Everyone in the room made a face. Suddenly, everything was shifting. No one seemed to want to believe you two had made up. Your eyes wandered to John, and you saw him sitting uncomfortably in his seat, taking up much less room than he was earlier. You focused a little harder and then you heard it again. John’s heart, thumping in his chest. Your breath caught and his eyes met yours.

The way he was making you feel was not something you were familiar with. You quickly realized something. It was not hatred you felt. At first, it was. You were used to that feeling, it was normal. And it seemed to be reciprocated. But now, what you felt was hot, hotter than anything you’ve ever imagined. Hotter than any amount of hate you had ever bottled up.

Your stomach flipped and your heart was in your throat. You could feel it, beating like a drum against every part of your body. You were crawling in your skin, but not in any way you were used to. It was not a ‘I need out’ kind of crawling. It was more of a ‘what is this feeling?’. It was completely foreign, and you were not sure if you liked it.

You looked away from John and noticed Alexei had changed the subject. Everyone had moved on from you and John. Seemingly forgetting, or at least ignoring, what had just happened. John got up, and without a word, left the room.

You felt heavy in your seat. But everything in you screamed to follow him. You stood up and as soon as the door to the room closed, you were walking towards it. You heard Yelena say your name, and she asked if you were alright.

“Just need some air.” You did not even look back at her. “You know, I didn’t have any fresh air for years after all.”

She let you go. You pushed the door open and saw John walking down the hall, towards the elevator. You called out to him. “John!” You hurried down the hall. “Wait!”

John turned on his heels, shocked you followed him out. “Yeah?” He stood still, waiting for you to approach him. You reached him and noticed his heart beating even faster. You inhaled sharply and wrapped your arms around yourself. “Are you alright?”

You nodded. “I should be asking you that.” This caused John to furrow his brows at you. “Um,” You rubbed the back of your neck. “This is probably not appropriate,” you let out a laugh, “but I can hear it. You.” You stumbled on the words. “Your heartbeat…”

John froze. His breath hitched. He did not move a muscle. “What?” He looked stunned. “You can hear that?” He was stressed, his voice strained. You nodded. “Fuck!” He ran a hand through his hair, messing it up.

“If it makes you feel better,” You started, “mine’s doing the same thing.” John blinked at you. His eyes narrowed. As if you were lying, playing some trick on him. “I’m being serious. John, I don’t know what the hell I’m feeling. But it is so, so far from anything I’ve ever felt before. I’m used to anger and meanness. Feeling nothing or only feeling hatred.”

You could not look away from John, and he was not looking away either.

“But being here, everyone, most everyone, has shown me kindness. I did not have anything close to that. It’s weird. But bearable.” You rambled on, John nodded. “But, what’s unbearable?” You were growing hot thinking about it. Face on fire, body burning. “These new feelings festering, building up in my fucking gut. It’s uncomfortable and there’s no outlet! If I was mad at the labs, I could just throw shit around!”

“Please, don’t throw me around.” John was tense.

You pouted. “That’s the thing, John. I don’t want to throw you around. I think,” Your eyes softened, “I think I want to get a hold of you and never let you go.”

John wanted to be relieved. But he was not. He was more tense than ever. “You like me?” He questioned you.

You nodded. “I think so…” You swallowed hard. “I have quite literally never felt this way before.” You admitted. “I mean, there were some scientists I was fond of, but never so fond that I—” Your eyes squeezed shut.

John, unsure if what was happening was real, asked you to do something you were not sure you were capable of. “Use your words for me.”

His tone was level, his voice low. Your eyes shot open, meeting his. “I think I want to— Can I kiss you?”

John stepped closer, inches from you. “Is that all you want to do?” His eyes were dark. The light above you buzzed, and your eyes shut tight. The buzzing stopped and you opened your eyes back up. John looked up at the light and back to you. “We don’t have to do this.”

You bit the inside of your lip. “I want to.” Your heart was pounding. Just as fast as his was. It’s almost all you could hear. “I want you…”

John was in an internal battle. He punched the button on the elevator, almost too hard, and turned back to you. “My room?” He looked at you, ravenous. You nodded. You both stepped onto the elevator, and he hit his floor. Suddenly, all of his attention was directed towards you. You felt so small in that confined place. John’s hand moved to your hip and fire was set across your skin.

John leaned over you and your breath caught. “Have you ever kissed anyone?”

You gulped. “There was this scientist, a few years ago. He was new. Around my age. I don’t know, I was exploring things, but I only kissed him a few times. Before Wren had him, uh, removed. I didn’t like him though. Not like this.” John was on fire at those words. His hand gripped you a little tighter and he nodded, taking everything in. Your arms draped around his neck, and you asked him again, “Can I kiss you?”

John, without skipping a bit, leaned down closer to you, closing the distance between the both of you. You pressed your lips to his and he was quick to deepen the kiss. His tongue ran across your bottom lip, and you eagerly parted your lips for him. The elevator came to a halt as John’s tongue pressed into your mouth, but he did not move. Instead, he picked you up, wrapped your legs around his waist.

“Oh!” A voice you were not all too fond of rang in your ears. “Hm, seems like sending you two out on that mission brought you closer.” Valentina laughed.

John pulled away from you and looked at the floor number. “Are you getting on?” He looked down at Valentina. “Because we aren’t getting off for a few more floors—”

“Literally or figuratively?” Valentina looked between you two. “I’ll wait.” She put her hands up and stepped back. The elevator door shut again.

Your face was on fire. “You know she’s going to go tell everyone.”

“Does that bother you?” John sounded concerned.

“No.” You shook your head. “I hope she does.”

John smiled. He leaned in for another kiss, your back pressing harder against the wall of the elevator. You angled your head back and John began to kiss down your jaw, to your neck. Eventually, the elevator was at your floor. John let you down, grabbed your hand, and began to lead you down the hall, to his room. He opened his door, and you were in his room in record time.

He slammed the door, standing behind you. You looked around his room, almost forgetting what you were there to do. His back was to his door, and your back was to him, as you were being nosy. John cleared his throat, and you turned back to him. You mouthed an ‘oh’ and placed your hands behind your back. You pursed your lips, and it really hit. Everything began to settle. You were about to go further than kissing.

You were momentarily stunned. John picked up on that. He had become hyper-aware of whatever it was you were doing. He could tell you were uneasy. John let out a heavy breath and shifted his weight.

“As much as I would love to continue, I can tell something is wrong.”

“John… This is probably public knowledge at this point, but I’ve never had sex.” You watched as his hands tensed, fingers curling into his palms, and then he relaxed. “I couldn’t even really,” You paused. “I didn’t even really get to touch myself. Not a lot, anyway.” You felt embarrassed. Your body was burning hotter.

John nodded. “I must admit,” He did not move, his eyes staying on you, “I haven’t had sex in a while. With the divorce and everything… We can take it slow. If you want to. We don’t have to do this now.”

That was reassuring to hear. But you knew as soon as you left that room that would not help those feelings subside. You wanted him to kiss you, grab you, fuck you. You needed his touch. You had a hunch that would help you.

“I still want to do this.” You perked up, straightening your back. “We can go slow…” You slowly nodded at him, repeating his earlier words. You could see John relax. “I think I’d be more comfortable in bed though.”

He picked you up, easily, and began to carry you to his bedroom. “That is easy enough.” John tossed you onto the bed. You bounced and let out a strangled noise, shocked at how easily he did that. John stood at the end of the bed; you felt like prey. His fingers twitched and his eyes watched you like a hawk. You lied back and instinctively your legs opened, ever so slightly, waiting for him to fill that space.

That was not lost on John, he was growing uncomfortable in his pants, but he did not want to ruin you. Not yet. He inhaled sharply and his eyes closed, before reopening and looking dead at you. You pouted at him.

“John,” You whined, “I want you to touch me…”

“I know.” He adjusted himself. “I know…” He whispered that time. He wanted to touch you too. “Can you do something for me first?” His voice did not break once, but he looked like he was about to snap. You nodded, of course you would, and he continued. “I want you to touch yourself.” The baffled look on your face caused John to smile.

You shook your head, “I came here for you to touch me. I thought…” You mumbled that last part. “Why do I have to touch myself?” You were confused.

“I want to help you. I can tell you’re still nervous.” He stood still where he was. “The more relaxed you are, the better this will be. I will touch you,” that was a promise, “but, first, I want you to touch yourself. Make yourself come.”

You blinked up at him. You did not respond. Not with words. Instead, you took off your pants, leaving you in your underwear and t-shirt. You were used to being in nearly no clothes when in the lab. You had a gown, and during physical exams, sometimes you wore nothing. But this is different than any of those times. This was close; this was intimate.

“Really,” You stared back up at John, “I don’t really know what I’m doing. I mean, I know anatomy, but I don’t think I ever made myself come.” Your voice became smaller as you spoke, almost a whisper by the time you finished talking.

“I’ll guide you.”

“From over there?” You cocked a brow at him. He nodded. You groaned and gripped the cover under you. John began to tell you what he wanted you to do. His words were strained, his jaw clenched. He was holding himself back. Restraining himself.

He reassured you that you could keep your underwear on if you were more comfortable, which you ended up doing. He instructed you to touch yourself. Your hand pushed past your waistband, and you quickly found your clitoris.

“Rub circles around it,” John swallowed hard, “with your thumb.” You obliged. Before John could instruct you further, you took matters into your own hands. You did what you knew how to do. Your fingers pushed past your folds and into your entrance. John encouraged you to keep going, keep doing what you were doing. Your hips jerked upwards, and your eyes shut tight. The feeling was a lot, and you were overwhelmed almost immediately.

John watched you; he watched you struggle. He tried to give pointers, but his mind was becoming just as muddled as yours. Your hips moved slightly, you truly were trying to find anything that felt good. As you got close, you would lose it.

“Please,” You began to beg. “John…” You were almost crying out for him. “I’m sure you could do it better. You can make me feel good.”

John was on top of you almost instantly. You bounced against the bed and into him, before laying flush with the mattress once again. You were in awe at how fast he had moved. John’s hand rested on your bare thigh. His dark, blue eyes almost staring through you. Your breath caught in your throat, and you gulped down air.

“Please,” You whimpered, your lips almost touching his.

John pressed his lips to yours, kissing you fervently. His hand wandered from your thigh and to the heat between your legs. He traced you through your underwear, sending a shiver down your spine. Your back arched, pressing your chest against his. You cupped his face and whined into him, giving him time to slip his tongue into your mouth. He gently rubbed you through your panties. He really was taking it slow. It was driving you mad.

You bucked into his hand, and he got the hint. His hand pulled at the waistband and pulled your panties down. You lifted your hips, and he slid them off, tossing them across the room. You adjusted your legs again, opening them for him. John eagerly pushed a finger past your folds and into you. His thumb rested on your clit, rubbing soft circles against it. He was not as sloppy as you with his movements. They were thought out, he was experienced.

Your hands moved from cupping his face, to his back. You clawed at his suit; you needed it off of him. John began to kiss down your jaw, down your neck, and to your collarbone. He gently sucked and nipped at the skin. You let out a shaky sigh and your jaw clenched.

“Fuck,” You breathed out, your eyes screwing shut. “You’re so good—” You began to mumble, “Making me feel good.”

John moaned into your skin, his hips rutting into the bed. You shivered under him, imagining it being you he was thrusting into.

“I’m gonna put another finger in,” He bit at your collarbone, “is that okay?”

You relaxed under him, remembering he said it would be nicer if you were. You nodded, a soft ‘yes’ escaping past your lips. John then did what he said he was going to do. He stretched you with another finger. You whined, staying still for a moment, eyes shut tight. John pulled away from your collarbone and watched you closely. His fingers gently scissored inside of you.

“Breathe, baby,” John nuzzled into you, turning you into puddy, “you’re doing so well.”

John pulled back and watched you again. Butterflies filled your stomach as he finished his sentence. You exhaled slowly and looked up at John. You were holding onto him for dear life; you did not realize it until that moment. Your hips rolled slightly, and John began to move his fingers slowly in and out.

“Good girl,” He was reassuring. His thumb started to pick up pace as well.

Lightning was shooting through your body. Your legs tensed and your back was arching again. Your eyes shut and you tried to talk. Nothing was coming out. Until it did. “I think— I’m close.” Your breath hitched. John kept his pace steady, not even thinking of pulling away. His lips connected to your cheek, and he gave you a couple quick kisses.

A white, hot feeling built up in your stomach, and within seconds you were coming undone. John’s name fell from your mouth, softly. Sweetly. You were seeing stars. John pulled his hand from your pussy and moved back from you. You looked at him and watched as he sucked his fingers.

You wanted nothing more than for him to be back on top of you. Preferably undressed. “John, come on…” You pouted at him.

He popped his fingers out his mouth and leaned back down over you, “Oh, how rude of me, I forgot to see if you wanted to taste yourself.” You blinked up at him. “Do you want to pause for now?” His head tilted. “We can take a break if you want—”

You shook your head, “No.” You felt like you were losing your mind. “I want to feel you. I want you to, to—”

“To what?”

“I want you to fuck me.”

It seemed to not take a lot to make Walker lose it. He was getting undressed as the words left your lips. He was out of his suit in seconds. You were tense, almost as fast as he got out of his suit, you were tensed up again. You realized just how big John was. You pulled your legs up to you without thinking. You sat up and looked at John with wide eyes.

“Having second thoughts? You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”

He was being so nice. So thoughtful. “I want to stay, but,” You had not realized until you were not breathing. You sucked in air, and continued, “I don’t want it to hurt.”

“I promise,” John got on the bed, “I’ll take care of you.” He gave you a soft smile, making you smile in return. “Just breathe.”

“Okay.” You tried to loosen up.

“If it becomes too much, or you want to stop, say so.” He placed his forehead to yours. An ‘of course’ fumbled out of your mouth and you sighed. You lied back down on the bed and John moved over you. He held himself up with his forearm and his free hand rested on your hips, before gently tracing patterns into it.

John pulled his hand back from your burning skin and positioned himself at your entrance and waited for an okay from you. You inhaled slowly and exhaled even slower. You gave him an okay, your hands resting on his back. John pushed the tip of his cock into you; you tried to stay relaxed. Your eyes screwed shut and John kept whispering reassuring words to you. That you were doing well, that you were so good.

John pushed further into you, ever so slightly. You whimpered, causing John to groan. He was holding himself back extremely well. You could tell he wanted to let loose. But that would frighten you. Scare you off. He did not want to scare you off.

John rested once he was in you completely. You were tight around him, and he was struggling. “You’re okay,” John whispered, his voice almost strained. “Fuck,” he hissed in your ear, “you feel good. So good.”

Your hips rolled once he said that, testing the water. Testing John. John tensed against you, letting out a low, primal growl. “Move,” You whispered, “please.”

John did exactly what you said. His hips gently rocked into yours and within no time you were accustomed to him. He kept a slow pace at first, making sure you were comfortable. John’s jaw clenched, “Holy shit,” He groaned, his eyes meeting yours. You were made for him; he was sure of it.

Your nails dug into his back dragging across his skin. Your hips rolled, chasing him every time he rocked back. You needed him, needed him to fill you up. You wanted to feel every inch of him.

“Faster.” Was the only word you could muster out. John hummed in confusion, almost as if he wanted you to say it again. “Please, move faster.”

John did not hesitate once he was sure you were good with it. His pace quickened, and once again he was never sloppy. He pulled your leg over his hip, and you eagerly put your other one up as well, pulling him closer to you. You moaned out for him, his name falling off your tongue. You were praising and pleading, and John was sent into a downward spiral.

“Say it again.” He begged. He was not demanding, he was pleading. His voice was airy, full of want.

“Fuck!” You yelled, “I’ve never felt so good,” You almost cried out. “John, I need—” You choked on your words, John’s pace faltering for a second. “I need you!”

“Need me to what?” He was not even close to being worn out. Neither were you; you were made to withstand most things. But everything was becoming even more overwhelming than before. You could hear every sound in the room, the bed shaking, the floorboards squeaking, and his skin hitting yours. Not to mention everything you felt. Your body was on fire, and so full, yet every time he pulled back from you, you were so empty and craving nothing more than his touch. He was all over you, and it was not enough and too much.

“I don’t know!” You whined, your body rolling into his. Your eyes shut tight, and your fingernails scraped up his back. “Shit! I just need you!”

John whimpered as soon as those words left your mouth. His hips jutted into yours and his pace was suddenly not so steady. He was holding you at a new angle now and frantically pumping in and out of you. You were crying out for him, only him. And he was a mess.

You were sure you would never see John in this state. Disheveled and needy. He needed you just as badly as you needed him. You had pulled him close, so close in fact, there was no space between the two of you.

“Keep going, please, I'm close—” You sobbed out, tears pricking your eyes. John, whose head was pressed into your neck, nodded. His pace, now sloppy and quick, did not slow. A knot formed in your stomach and your toes curled. Every one of your muscles began to tense and you sobbed out John’s name as you came.

“Are you— Are you on birth control,” The words came out through gritted teeth. You shook your head as you were coming down. “Shit,” He hissed, “Where should I—”

“Inside.”

The word fell out before you could think. You wanted all of him. John must not have thought about it either. Within seconds he was coming himself, filling you up. His hands gripped your thighs tightly, a bruising grip. He let out a whine as he came, and he was lying on top of you instantly. He held most of his weight on his forearm again, but he was limp this time. The weight was comforting.

His breathing was heavy, his eyes closed. You both rested a moment before he pulled out and rolled over beside you. He looked over at you and said your name, causing you to hum in response.

“Can you,” He paused, “can you get pregnant?”

You shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, they never discussed that with me. And I kind of can’t ask now.”

John snorted. “No you can’t.” His fingers traced over your stomach and you briefly wondered what he was thinking about. “We can worry about that in the morning. How about we get cleaned up?”

“That sounds nice.”

The both of you made your way to the bathroom and something struck you. You gasped. “Do you think Valentina knows if I can get pregnant?”

“I don’t think we should ask.”

#marvel smut #marvel x reader #john walker #john walker x reader #john walker smut #mcu x reader #marvel imagine #john walker imagine #mcu smut #🌟anon

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ghostgirl-22 · 2 days ago

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hi Dani <3 love love love your writing and I adore how you write our lovely toxic tennis throuple.

okay so hear me out, whenever people write ATP it's either Art in the middle or Patrick in the middle but I'm a firm believer that Tashi loves to be in the middle (cough cough hotel scene!) just because our queen is dominant that doesn't mean she doesn't want to get absolutely blasted I mean hello?? can't a baddie catch a vibe? what's the point of having two guys if you can't take them at the same time? there's not enough Tashi Eiffel tower content in the world.

anyway this is a very unnecessarily long way of me asking you to write an ATP threesome with powerbottom!Tashi <3 like I just imagine her taking one of them from the front and the other from the back and she won't let them finish until she's satisfied. or maybe she's on her knees for the both of them going back and forth and she won't let them touch her. please make my dream come true ✨

Yes!!! A thousand times yes<3 You’re so very real for this anon. She likes to be in the middle… it’s canon actually. Prompt is better than the fic I fear but I gave it the old college try heh.

CW: MDNI, NSFW, canon drift, early days of porn hub, squirting, bjs, unsafe sex, underaged drinking, mild exhibitionism (if you squint), intoxication, not beta’d so please feel free to point out issues. 3.4k words.

Summary: Tashi tries alcohol for the first time and decides she probably (read: definitely) wants to be double teamed by her boyfriend and his best friend. Not that the alcohol changes anything. She woulda fucked them anyway. :)

—-

Tashi’s a good girl. She gets straight A’s. She’s always home by curfew. She’s talented but she never takes short cuts. Perfect student, perfect athlete, perfect daughter.

She’s always been good but she’s never been normal. Normal isn’t winning your first junior open at 12 years old. Normal isn’t getting your first sponsorship at 14. Normal isn’t whatever she’s got going on with her boyfriend and his best friend.

It’s boring really. It’s nothing. Patrick’s in town and she let him invite Art over. She picked Patrick but she still has a crush on Art. Even more so, whenever she watches him play. She likes them both, especially when they’re together. She has little fantasies where she gets them to kiss again. Imagines what it would have been like that night in Flushing if she stayed in their bedroom. She’d been too nervous to stay out late with her little tattle tale brothers in the hotel room waiting to tell mom and dad if she’d been gone too long. She wonders what would’ve happened if she let them both have her instead of making them work for it. Shes a good girl really she is…she just gets horny sometimes.

They’re sitting in her dorm room. Both boys on the floor, she’s stretched out horizontally on her extra long twin, resting on her tummy, legs bent at the knees, she swings them back and forth idly. They’re watching Batman Begins, eating individually packaged cheesecake from the grocery store and drinking wine coolers.

Well, Art and Patrick are drinking. She’s never tried alcohol before outside of an accidental sip of her dads red stripe beer when she was little and they were on vacation in Jamaica. Since then she planned to wait till she was 21, just about a year to go. She never felt like she was missing anything. She’s so good. But she’s also a little bored and mildly curious so she does take a little sip out of Patrick’s bottle of Smirnoff. And then another.

“It doesn’t taste horrible.”

Patrick looks up at her, smirking, mischief in his eyes. “Maybe you want the rest?”

She shrugs and takes the bottle from him, finishing it off. Art glances at her and when she turns to meet his gaze he looks back at the television. Typical for when the three of them are together.

She behaves herself with the two of them usually … the first night they met being the exception. She kinda makes a couple mistakes tonight though.

The first mistake is she lets Patrick give her another wine cooler. It’s too sweet and fizzy… it doesn’t taste like nasty beer at all and she drinks it down easily like soda pop. It’s not until her cheeks are warm and her brain processing time seems to have slowed down that she realizes her second mistake. Patrick picks up her laptop, which is fine. He uses it sometimes. It’s no big deal. Except she forgot she hadn’t used it since the night before Patrick came to visit. That night she’d been horny out of her mind and she couldn’t really sleep so as a last ditch effort—

She watches Patrick, seated back on the floor next to Art, it feels like slow motion as he opens the laptop. At the top of the screen in bold is the logo for PornHub. A video titled: “Hot ebony milf gets double teamed by husband and friend.” She didn’t realize it was such a stupid title.

“Um Tash?” Patrick’s running his fingers along the tracking pad. She doesn’t need to see his face to know he’s grinning like an idiot.

His voice draws Art’s attention and his gaze lands on the laptop screen just as Patrick hits play. And okay fine. So what… she watches porn. Fuck him… the stuff he watches is probably so much worse.

“Patrick, what are you doing?” Art snaps with all the cadence of an 18th century man who’s just seen an ankle.

“Yeah Patrick,” Tashi chimes in, trying to sound equally scandalized.

Patrick turns his grin on her. “Fuck you Tashi… this is your laptop.” His eyes are all sparkly, pretty blue rings shrinking as his pupils get larger. He needs to be studied for how fast he can go from zero to horny. She needs to be studied for how quickly she’s able to meet him there.

“Fuck you actually,” She says as she reaches over his shoulder and shuts the laptop and the messy sound of skin slapping and over the top moaning quiets.

Art moves to sit crisscross on the floor. “You’re disgusting Patrick,” he mutters. Hands pushed into his lap.

Patrick laughs. “Jesus Christ…it wasn’t me. I was just trying to check my play schedule for next week. I didn’t know my sensitive eyes would be assaulted by Tashi’s filthy porn habit.”

Tashi still feels a little dizzy. Kinda brave. “Please. Sensitive eyes. You guys have probably done that in real life with so many girls at boarding school.”

The room gets all quiet. It’s like even the film has decided not to make a sound. They’re doing that thing they do where they stare at each other, talking without words and finally Patrick says. “Believe it or not we haven’t. We don’t share girls. Theres a winner…usually me,” he grins. “And a loser.”

Art rolls his eyes.

“Bullshit…you don’t share girls, sure okay.” Tashi giggles and is surprised by a little hiccup that follows. “You probably both get hard fighting each other over who gets to have the pussy and who gets the mouth.”

Patrick’s looking at her all starry eyed. “Well…” he glances at Art. “I mean… I would get your pussy… I mean her…hypothetical pussy of course.”

Art is bouncing his thigh, his gaze on Tashi. “I would… I would never disrespect you… or— or anyone like that.”

Patrick snorts. “You’re so full of shit.” He mutters.

Art glances back at Patrick. “I wouldn’t.”

“So you don’t want to double team me Art?” Tashi asks him, softly. “Fill me up from both ends with your both cocks.”

”Holy shit,” Patrick whispers.

Art starts blinking a lot… for a moment she worries he’ll start crying. “Well… welll….I uh… if that’s what you wanted. I would do that for you.” Art stammers out.

“How chivalrous,” Patrick says dryly. “Tash… um… what are we talking about here? Cause I’m…” he gestures vaguely at his crotch.

Tashi smirks. “Okay get up… lemme see it,” she hiccups. This feels surreal. She doesn’t think she knows anyone else who had two boys make out with each other for their attention. Her best friend from high school still thinks she’s exaggerating. And now she’s got them both in her bedroom eager to fulfill her porn fantasy. Stupid. Insane.

Patrick puts her laptop on the ground and gets to his feet quickly… and yeah he’s stupid hard, with his stupidly massive dick. “See what you do to me?” Patrick sighs. Art looks at him, an almost imperceptible swipe of his tongue against his bottom lip before he looks back to her.

”What about you?” She asks, a little smile playing on her lips. “You don’t wanna show me?”

Art looks back at Patrick and then to her again before getting to his feet. He’s tenting behind his athletic shorts.

“So I get your pussy right?” Patrick asks softly.

Tashi smiles and inches forward on the bed till her feet are flat on the ground. She looks between the two of them. “Why don’t you take em out?”

Patrick hastily undoes his belt and unzips his jeans but Art just has to ease his shorts down. His swollen pink dick bobs out first. She’s never seen it before. Not really. Maybe it’s because she’s drunk… at least she thinks she is… she doesn’t really know what being drunk feels like… but she grabs hold of Art to the sound of his sudden inhale. Soft skin over hard velvety heat, pearls of white liquid dripping from the tip. She smiles up at him before opening her mouth and sucking him inside.

“Oh,” Art gasps his knees buckle slightly. “Oh my god.”

Tashi wants to smile but she’s got her tongue sliding between his slit, tasting the salty fluid leaking from the tip. “Mm…” she hums filling her mouth with more to the sound of a strangled moan from Arts lips. She feels Art grab onto her shoulders… like he needs her to keep himself up right.

“Oh fuck, Tashi.” It’s not Art… it’s Patrick who whispers it. Tashi slides back letting her mouth empty, Art’s dick revealed inch by inch all shiny with her spit. Art is breathing heavy. His eyes heavy lidded. He lets go of her, trying to steady himself. “S-sorry,” he whispered, dazed. She grins and then turns to Patrick.

He’s got his bottom lip pulled between his teeth, one hand gripping his swollen dick, until she meets his gaze. He lets go of himself. ”God Tashi…” Patrick says softly, he looks so hungry. She loves the sound of her name in his pitchy sex altered voice. Let’s him cup her face in his large palm.

“You’re so fucking smart and talented…” He teases her like that because she snapped at him once for calling her pretty. (“I’m more than just pretty Patrick… unless thats all you like about me.”)

She grabs at his dick… watching his face as she plays with it… jerking it a little, pressing her thumb along the slit and licking her thumb afterwards. Hes dumb sexy and he knows it, freckles everywhere, his ears all pink, eyes falling shut, lips parted as he groans softly, “Fuck yes.” He breathes as she slowly fills her mouth with as much as she can manage. She reaches over and grabs hold of Art at the same time while she hollows her cheeks around Patrick.

Patrick moans and Art whimpers. She looks up and Patricks staring at her, one hand resting flat along Arts tummy. She feels so wet between her thighs she thinks her panties might be soaked. Patrick plays his fingers into her hair, grabbing at her ponytail trying to push for more and she pulls back.

“Mm… no fucking way… you really think either of you are allowed to cum before me?” She hiccups.

Art shakes his head. “What if I’m…. What if we can’t help it?”

“Be careful Tash, he’s easy,” Patrick breathes.

“I forgot you two jerk off together,” Tashi smiles.

Patrick shrugs.

“You know you never told me what happened after I left you alone in Flushing.” She adds, curiously, reminded of her standing irritation that he's always so tight lipped about it.

All Patrick offers is a toothy smile. “You should have stayed.”

Art clears his throat. “Im… im not easy just… i think you’re so pretty.”

Tashi giggles and she can see the flush on his cheeks deepen, more pearls of precum leak from his tip. “Try to relax…think of it like a game of doubles. Im your partner. You can’t dominate the court… you have to hold it back a little. For me.” She says gently.

He nods. “Uh yeah okay. I can— i can hold it…”

Patrick curls his fingers into Arts hair. “Yeah hold it back sweetheart.”

Art shoves his hand away, a little shiver running through his body. God.

Tashi feels impatient all of a sudden. She takes hold of Art again and licks at the excess dripping from his tip.

“F-fuck,” Art stammers, his hands fly to her head, her ponytail snagging on his fancy watch. She pulls back teasing it out of her hair with a giggle. “Sorry fuck… im sorry.” Art whines.

“Its okay,” she says, she glances at Patrick’s shit eating grin as she smooths her hair back. Art takes his watch off and tosses it aside on her bed. “Its okay you’ll get used to it…” Tashi says, reassuringly.

“Who tastes better Tash?” Patrick asks.

“hm… good question…” she takes hold of both of their dicks making them moan, making them step closer to each other. She likes it… it feels like she has all this control. Maneuvering them like horny little marionettes. She fills her mouth with both.

A chorus of moans and swears fill the room as she hums around them. Her mouth too full, eyes watering. Both of them with their hands in her hair. They each have a distinct scent, but mostly what she tastes on her tongue is salty, heated skin. She teases Patrick’s balls with her finger tips eliciting a sharp groan out of him. Feels the way, Patrick gently cradles her head. Feels the way Art starts moving, like he wants to thrust in and out but is trying to stop himself. She hears the wet sound of kissing and she presses her thighs together as she glances up to see them kissing each other. She fucking knew it. They’re as horny for each other as they are for her.

“I dont— think— I don’t think—“ Art gasps, against Patrick’s mouth. Tashi pulls back then, both of them slipping out, hard and shiny. Art lets out a deep breath at the loss of contact and Patrick keeps one hand on her head and the other on Art’s.

“Mm..I think I like both,” Tashi says, curling stray strands of hair behind her ears. Both boys are watching her with sex stupid dazed expressions, following her every movement. She slowly pulls her t-shirt and sweatshirt off so she’s only in her sports bra and short shorts. “You both wanna be inside me don’t you?”

“Yes,” Art says, immediately.

“Fuck yes,” Patrick says.

She gets to her feet so she’s almost at eye level with them and that’s when she realizes she’s drunk or something like it. She wraps an arm around Patrick’s shoulder. “Mm I think I’m drunk.”

“You’re just a little tipsy, sweetheart,” Patrick teases. “Light weight.”

She grins. “You can have my pussy this time, Pat-trick.” She separates the syllables cause words feel so slow and funny on her tongue.

“God yes,” Patrick says, he presses a tentative kiss to her lips and she smiles and kisses him back. Before turning to Art. He’s so eager it’s like their lips smash together straight away, tongues and teeth and hunger. She feels so horny. She feels Patrick pull her hair back so he can kiss along her throat… Patrick’s fingers sliding beneath the waistband of her shorts, rubbing circles, teasing along her cunt through the fabric of her panties. “So wet for me,” he hums along her throat and Art starts feeling around too. His hand cupping at her bra, fingers tugging it down so he can play with her breasts, teasing her nipples between his fingertips.

It feels so good Tashi is overwhelmed with it. She can’t believe a little over 24 hours ago she’d been watching porn curled up in her bed, fingers racing between her legs while some stranger moaned about two boys fucking her like crazy.

And now it’s real. They’re touching her all over, Art’s mouth on her breasts. Patrick’s hand around her waist, the other one in her panties. His thick fingers slipping in and out of her. She’s moaning, writhing against them, takes their mouths, pushes them together to watch them kiss on each other.

“Mm you’re both so good at sharing,” Tashi sighs.

“God… wanna fuck you now, Tash.” Patrick breathes. “Wanna fuck you so bad.”

“Maybe you should ask nicely,” Tashi says.

“Please lemme fuck you, Tashi,” he groans.

“Please, me too. I’ll do whatever you want me to.” Art breathes. “I won't come till you say.”

And really who is she to say no to that. She makes Patrick put on a condom. She's on the pill but she always has to be double, triple, quadruple sure. She got too horny one night and let him fuck her without it and ended up in her gynaecologist’s office begging for a test because she was one day late and so very neurotic about it. God forbid she lets a boy ruin her tennis career.

She crawls on the bed, tossing the pillows on the floor. Patrick is right behind her. She gestures Art over to join them and he quickly slots himself between her face and the headboard. She feels Patrick's fingers playing with her pussy again. So impatient. “Jesus your fucking dripping.” He moans and with that he’s easing himself inside her, she feels the thick heft of him and even though she’s used to how big he is by now theres still the delicious stretch through her walls as her body accommodates for him.

She moans and Art shivers in front of her. He rubs his dick as she looks up at him through her lashes.

“God. You’re so…. so beautiful,” he whispers.

She loves how irreverent he is even when she’s doing something filthy right in front of him. Like getting fucked.

“You can put it in my mouth,” she grins and he nods. Hes so gentle with it, taking hold of himself and gently guiding his dick into her open mouth. She licks and moans around him while Patrick groans, fucking her like he can’t help himself. This is what she wanted, what she touched herself imagining. God maybe shes not a good girl. Maybe she’s a little bit of a slut. One drink and she wants to be fucked like a whore.

She rocks her hips back and forth, both of them filling her over and over. Her ears ringing, pulse pounding. The room is full of their gasping and moaning. Vaguely she imagines that maybe her neighbors can hear and it just makes her feel even more aroused. And soon she’s fisting the sheets… Patrick pounding against her walls over and over along a spot that’s making her shiver and whine and her thighs feel weak. Her tummy coiling tighter and tighter as the tension builds. Her mouth is so full and wet, drool spilling from her lips. No more technique, just sloppy messy head. Art white knuckling her headboard. His breathing shaky like he’s desperate.

“Fuck Tashi, fuck are you close?” Patrick moans. Tashi just hums, meeting his thrusts. She’s out of her mind… barely holding on….and then it happens. She thinks she blacks out for a second for the force of it. Coming so wet on Patricks dick.

“Holy Fuck,” Patrick gasps. He starts rocking his hips faster chasing his own orgasm while her mouth fills suddenly with Arts come.

“Fuck im sorry im sorry, I couldn’t— i couldn’t stop,” he groans as she pulls back and lets it drip from her lips. Little spurts of come still jutting out of him. And that's when Patrick stills, moaning as he empties into the condom.

“God that was so fucking hot.” He gasps.

Oh, it's such a mess. Patrick sighs, relaxing as he slips out of her. Tashi had never seen how the double penetration clip ended. She'd finished by then, shut her laptop and fallen fast asleep.

But in reality even though she's just as sleepy as she was after watching porn (probably more) she’s groggy sitting on the edge of the bed, feverishly warm looking around for her panties. Art tugging his shorts up, skin still pink he hurries to the bathroom to get a wash cloth to help her clean up.

They organize themselves somewhat quietly, all of them exhausted from such an intense athletic effort. Her bed sheets are kind of a lost cause. “You gotta wash them tomorrow,” she informs them to which they both agree. God she thinks they’re so pussy drunk right now they'll say yes to anything.

Art says they can sneak downstairs to his room, he’s got a blow up mattress. “Just gotta be quiet in case my roommate is sleeping.”

“Next time we can do it in your room…when your roommate is out of town.” Tashi says softly as they make their way down the mostly empty dormitory halls.

“Yeah… yeah whenever you want,” Art says.

“Oh fuck next time, really?” Patrick teases his fingers into her hair as they step on the elevator. He fidgets, twirling a strand of her ponytail around his fingers.

“Sure,” Tashi shrugs and waits a beat. “I mean don't you wanna fight over who gets to put it in my ass?”

The elevator dings and she steps out. Both boys frozen in place, staring at her, trying get their brains back online. Yeah it's fine, she’s okay with her life being a little bit not normal. She kinda loves it actually.

(okay so pornhub was founded in may 2007 guys… this is the research I do for you. Unfortunately I’m not sure on timeline of the film (Tashi’s injury) and im already in canon divergence so nothing matters but I just thought you should also know that useless fact.)

Can’t forget the most important part Taglist: @artstennisracket

#tashi duncan smut #art donaldson #patrick zweig #challengers fic #challengers smut #art x tashi x patrick #artashipatrick

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basket-of-radiants · 18 days ago

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Why were you so disappointed by Rhythm of War?

This has been sitting in my askbox for years. I've taken several cracks at answering, only to get frustrated with the subject matter and burn myself out every time. I didn't like Rhythm of War. More than that, I didn't like it in a way that tainted my enjoyment of the entire series. And despite what it may seem, I don't actually enjoy discussing things which I don't like. I always want to talk from a place of good faith. Which is why now that my feelings towards the series are a little more positive, I think I can finally answer this.

I'm going to try to stay away from specific plotpoints and story beats for this post, because my goal isn't to nitpick (if for no other reason than it would take a week to write this post), I'm just looking to talk about my overall impressions. I think that might mean the only spoilers here will be structural? idk, if you haven't read Rhythm of War yourself then you should probably do that before looking for other people's opinions anyway.

I liked Way of Kings when I first read it. I didn't love it at the time, but I liked it. Certainly enough to keep reading once I'd finished. One thing that made me a bit uncomfy, however, was the war against the Parshendi. They were this unknowable enemy which the book was not interested in knowing. An inhuman army. Their main purpose was to kill Kaladin's friends, or else be killed by Dalinar's armies. And yet the Parshendi, and the parshmen in the form of Shen, did show hints of personhood. And so it bothered me how Dalinar spoke so casually about how the Alethi had decimated their numbers, how the others used the war as a means to amass wealth and power. (It didn't bother me in a "this is a bad book" way but in a "these characters are bad people" way.)

One of my foibles as a reader is that when a book is very clearly treating one side of a conflict with more humanity, I tend to be a bit predisposed towards the other to account for that. And with the Alethi clearly being the invading party and superior military force, there was also some underdog favoritism. I didn't really like how the book treated the Parshendi. This is to say that going forward, the singers would be more important to me than any other through line.

So imagine my delight at reading Words of Radiance and meeting Eshonai, one of the Parshendi, who even gets her own point of view sections! They were no longer being treated as a faceless mass, we were getting to see things from their perspective as well. And it became plain to see the damage the Alethi had done to them. I couldn't really bring myself to root for Dalinar or really any of the humans against the listeners. I couldn't even bring myself to like most of these characters. I still enjoyed the book but once it became clear there wouldn't be a peaceful conclusion, let's just say that I wouldn't have wept for Dalinar and Adolin if Szeth had managed to off them. Like everyone in the book, I assumed that going forward all the parshmen would be turned into evil voidbringers in the everstorm and that the listeners were mostly dead. Except for Rlain, and Eshonai because I'd read or been told that book 4 would be Eshonai's book and thus had assumed she was fine. (Oathbringer spoilers, she was not fine.) So ultimately it was still a bit of a downer way to end the book.

So imagine my delight at reading Oathbringer, where for the first time singers were being treated as people, full and real people, and where the human characters could no longer ignore or dismiss them. We met Khen and the others, common singers who were sympathetic and just wanted freedom from bondage. We see Venli grapple with the loss of her home. We see Leshwi and Moash connecting with and understanding one another. We learn of a history where singers were the original inhabitants of the planet. Parallel to this, Dalinar is having a truly excellent character arc about confronting one's past actions and acknowledging them to move forward and do better. I loved Oathbringer, for some years it was my favorite book, and I was excited as hell to see what came next. At the time, it seemed to me that there is a clear direction the story is going. Two books about needless war, and then a third where the main cast is forced to acknowledge the personhood of their enemies. This was so cool, all of my feelings from the previous installments were being validated, the characters were going to have to face what they've done in the past and outgrow their militaristic mindsets, I was so sure of that.

Imagine my disappointment when that does not even remotely resemble the direction the story went in Rhythm of War. RoW presented a clear, straightforward “us vs. them" narrative, where every character was totally fine with killing singers. Characters aligned with the singers were either flattened into wholly evil versions of themselves (Moash) or were expected to turn on their side in favor of the humans (Venli.) Because clearly there was no reason good people would be on the side that's all former slaves trying to stay free. Maybe there's some sort of accord or understanding between Navani and Raboniel that I might have found meaningful if the seeds of mutual understanding weren't already there in Oathbringer and then apparently ignored for a year by all the characters.

I have a lot of issues with how the listeners are handled in these books. (Here's some elaboration.) Following OB, I had thought that all my concerns were going to be addressed. Following RoW, I knew they never would be.

Which is my main complaint, because that's the thread that matters most to me in this series.

I have a lot of other Things as well. Gonna just talk about a few big ones.

One outsized source of disappointment that may seem a little petty, and which probably is, is that I felt mislead by the premise of the book. It had been announced that this book would center Venli and Eshonai, and I was unbelievably hyped for that. That did not really turn out to be the case. The purpose for their backstory chapters felt less about exploring them as people and contextualizing their arcs, and more about filling in gaps of world history. In the main plot, Venli was a POV character and she certainly played a role, but honestly not a very important one overall. To me she felt like a side character in her own book. I don't think it's controversial to say that the main character of RoW was Navani. A lot of people really like Navani and are happy about that. Unfortunately I'm not one of those people, and I found it all the more difficult to enjoy her when it felt like it was coming at the expense of some of my favorite characters.

This particular gripe somewhat comes down to preference, obviously everyone prefers to read about characters they like more than those they don't, and it can go both ways. (For instance, on a craft/technical level RoW is probably the superior book to W&T, but I liked the latter a lot more because of my stupidly outsized attachment to Szeth and Nale.) But I do think there's something of a real criticism in how the book would rather focus on the feelings of a queen rather than those of a genocide survivor, and how the former's are given significantly more weight and import. It ties in with my main criticism, I think.

And then there's how human/human racism had also been wholly cast aside as a plot point. Jasnah fixed slavery so that's resolved, and the only person who still cares about structural racism is the evil bad bad evil villain Moash/Vyre, who is now wholly irredeemable and who you're allowed to totally write off because he's sold his soul to Odium. I've already talked a lot about this. Other people have already talked about this, probably better than me. The writing was actually on the wall for me in OB, but again, RoW was when I fully accepted that this was never going to be addressed.

There's something else that probably deserves its own discussion rather than being quickly tacked on at the end here, but here we are. This book changed how the series approaches war.

In WoK, war was very clearly portrayed as a bad and inglorious thing. It was brutal, it was painful, those at the bottom died cruelly and unceremoniously and pointlessly while those at the top turned a profit. Every day was a new horror. The enemy were never evil, they were always just more people forced to go through the same thing. Through the next couple books, it felt to me that even if the characters had accepted war as necessary, there was still a tragedy to it. Conversely, in RoW (and W&T) war is basically a series of boss battles, in between which our protagonists can kill dozens of footsoldiers with barely a thought in the same way WoK had criticized.

Final note on all this, it sucks how we have no perspectives from the former-slaves-singers demographic. Those guys are really thrown under the bus, and seemingly get no self-determination now or ever. It was a glaring problem to me in RoW. Conscripted and enslaved humans and singers probably have just as much ground to form mutual understanding as a fused and a queen. (In fact they already had. In Oathbringer.)

In essence, RoW disappointed me because it left me with the distinct impression that none of the series's most important through lines (well, most important to me) were going to be resolved well. I liked W&T, but I haven't revised my opinion very much about the overall handling of these topics across the series. Maybe one of the reasons I was able to enjoy W&T so much more was because I no longer had such high expectations.

#sorry i sorta need to get this stuff off my chest to unpack my feelings about the series.#i hope posting this out of the blue doesn't come across as too mean spirited. my sensitivity reader DID sign off on it.#(that is a joke. although i do let my sister look over any 1000+ word posts ahead of time. and i would respect any disapproval from her.#but normally she just tells me i'm allowed to be more forceful in my opinions without qualifying them or apologizing all the time. pfff.#the reason i've been hesitant to write any especially spoilery w&t meta is mostly because she hasn't read it yet.)#discourse #asks #hey anon if you're still here after all these years. thank you.#at the time i was kinda fishing for an ask like this bc i wanted to vent but it felt mean to do so unprompted #of course this was still really hard to write. mostly because every time i tried i completely spiraled.#the version of this post that was sitting in my drafts was honestly a lot better than this one. in basically every way. except.#except it was nearly the same length and all i'd gotten to was the oathbringer paragraph #below which was a stupidly thorough outline of my itemized complaints #you KNOW i don't care about brevity but my god that would have taken forever to write and finish #and i did not want to spend that sort of time with a book i didn't like. which i would have had to do to get all my planned citations #sorry past self. you were clearly writing from a place of much more passion and that made your work better than mine. and yet.#so as i said. i'm only writing this bc i now like the series enough to talk about it again. sincerely not trying to be a hater.#side note: if any of you have thoughts/opinions about the shift in the way war is used in these books. i would love to hear them. lets chat

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