#the fact that the issue 'dead boy's heart' that shows us his childhood is talking about both the story content And john....

[talentforlying]

@thicketville: meta: did john ever want to go to college? what would he have studied if he did? if not, did he ever want any sort of higher education, like a vocational degree or apprenticeship? — META TOPICS.

i think college was always a very distant concept for him growing up: more 'something that happens to posh people in the big cities' than a potential career path. john's father was a dock worker before losing his arm and most of their relatives did labor-intensive jobs in and around either the coal mines or the docks, so for anyone who actually thought john had a future — which was very few people, if anyone — it was sort of expected that he'd wind up in the same realm of work. they could never hope to afford college, so cheryl wouldn't have brought it up to him as a possibility, because john was a dreamer of a kid and would've gotten himself in trouble with their father if he insisted on pursuing it.

honestly, john's childhood was lived one day at a time, and nobody really thought he was going to survive past the teenage years (least of all john), so he really never considered a future for himself at all, other than "one day i'll get out of here". and even that felt like a pipe dream before he discovered magic. these days, i don't think he spends time considering what might have been anymore, because the past is the past and it eats him alive already without him helping it along, but in a perfect, perfect world, i think he would've loved college, and maybe gone into creative writing.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 300: Days of Our Todorokis

Previously on BnHA: Hawks was all “hey Jeanist, wanna go on a road trip with me to my mom’s house?” Jeanist was all “you know it,” and so they hopped into Jeanist’s jercedes and took off. Hawks took a nap and had a flashback to his Dickensian childhood living in a abject poverty with his jerk mom and jerk dad, thinking heroes were make-believe until one day Endeavor arrested his dad and Baby Hawks was all “OH SHIT.” And then he saved a bunch of people, and the HPSC was all “what do we have here,” and blah blah blah, you know the rest. Back in the present, Hawks was all “well my life is currently in shambles, but on the plus side there’s no one bossing me around anymore so that’s pretty cool,” and then decided he was going to talk to Endeavor. Fandom was all “I can’t believe Hawks would side with his childhood hero over the man who burned his wings off and posted a video calling him a violent murderer who took after his abusive dad,” so that was fun and stuff. I can’t wait to see what piping fresh takes this new chapter will bring.

Today on BnHA: Our old friend Carbonation Carl tries to loot a Starbucks and gets his ass kicked by a senior citizen. Society is all “YEAH, WE’RE REALLY STARTING TO GET SICK OF THIS SHIT.” Old Man Samurai is all “this room won’t stop me because I can’t read it” and abruptly decides to retire, which, fun fact, is literally THE LEAST HELPFUL THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE. Anyway so then a bunch of other punkasses follow suit, and while I won’t say that I’m actually starting to root for Stain to kill some peeps, just for the record I’m not not saying that either. Back in the hospital, Endeavor cries some tears because his life sucks, and then is confronted by his entire family, LED BY QUEEN REI, FIRST OF HER NAME, BACK IN BUSINESS AND LARGE AND IN CHARGE. Rei is all “fuck feeling sorry for yourself, we have a rogue Murder Son on the loose” and I swear to god I have never felt so alive.

so here we go! and just for the record, even though the last two chapters have been phenomenal, I don’t necessarily have any sky-high expectations for chapter 300, mostly because chapters 100 and 200 consisted of Mei Boobs, and Toadette and her horrific quirk lmao. so go ahead Horikoshi, what are you gonna pull out of your hat for this one

oh, back to this stuff again. sob

I guess there was only so much time we could spend having hospital antics and exploring Hawks���s past before we got back to dealing with the whole “the world has gone to absolute shit” issue huh, lol

omg

what’s with these bizarrely cute Noumus. why do I want to pet them

so the narrative text is going on about how people have been super paranoid about the Noumu ever since the USJ incident a year ago. so yeah, I guess the fact that there are now a bunch of them confirmed to be running around is really freaking people out even on top of everything else

wtf is happening here

what did this poor lil glass ever do to anyone. r.i.p.

OH MY FUCKING GOD

SODA SAM IS BACK ON THE LAM

tsk tsk tsk. my man has graduated from snatching purses to raiding cafes. going after that big money. this man has no business sense whatsoever lmao

OH BUT WATCH IT NOW!!

OH SNAP THE PEOPLE ARE FIGHTING BACK. WHATCHA GONNA DO NOW SAM

THIS MAN IS 172 YEARS OLD AND HE’S NOT HERE TO PLAY GAMES!!

WTF IS HE LIGHTING THIS THING ON FIRE OR SOME SHIT. GETTEM GRANDPA YEAHHHH HE’S CHARGING AT EM YEAHHHHHH

lmao so that was fun. and now we’re cutting to Wash!! omg. look at him

he’s so dedicated. too bad you don’t have a car like Best Jeanist. probably takes a while when you’re just running everywhere

you see?? you were too slow!!

NOOOO, GRANDPA. he defeated Pepsi Pete, but lost his life in the process. this is too tragic

anyway so the good news is that the cafe has been saved! but the bad news is, there really isn’t much of a cafe left. huh. I guess that’s one of the reasons why people are supposed to get a license to use their quirks like this

oh snap and now everyone is coming outside, and they’re none too happy to see poor old Wash over here

seriously Wash, get a bicycle or something. also the way this guy is gesturing so dramatically with his hand in this sort of “YOU SEE!! YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!” manner is sending me

OH MY GOD

HE SPEAKS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS. IT MEANS JEANS PUNS ARE YESTERDAY’S NEWS, FOLKS!! MAKE WAY FOR THE LAUNDRY PUNS. CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH THIS ALL... UNFOLD

“the heroes had dwindled away” okay real talk you guys, it is literally only a matter of time before they press-gang the children into picking up their slack. I still don’t know how to feel about that, but it is happening one way or the other regardless. Child Soldiers 2 Electric Boogaloo. wonder if we’ll see a rise in vigilante action as well

OHO WHAT’S THIS? THIS IS A CHAPTER OF GRANDPAS HUH

-- no fucking way

WOW. WOW. WOWWWWWW

wow. so he didn’t do a fucking thing while the rest of the top ten were being turned into red mist in the previous arc, and now that it’s all over and they need his help more than ever, he decides... THAT IT’S TIME TO RETIRE. holy shit. “fuck you” doesn’t even begin to cover it my guy. you stand there and soak up those boos you coward

ohhhhhhh shiiiiit you guys. oh shit

the “I am not here” breaks my fucking heart for real though y’all. oh man. everything he worked for is gone just like that

(ETA: okay so a couple of the takes I’ve seen on this make it seem like All Might is somehow the bad guy here?? “this is what happens when society puts a bunch of glorified cops on a pedestal”, “finally the cracks in hero society are showing”, etc. etc. so, just a friendly reminder that this isn’t happening because of too much trust and a lack of critical thinking; this is happening because the villains killed all the heroes and broke a bunch of murderers out of jail. it’s happening because an organized league of terrorists succeeded in terrorizing, and so society is now understandably awash in fear and panic. like, it’s just wild to me that AFO is RIGHT FUCKING THERE, and yet week after week fandom still has their “IT’S ALL THE HEROES’ FAULT” signs still up on their lawns. BUT WHATEVER, MOVING ON.)

also though, so exactly how much time is passing here now? I wanted to go straight back to the hospital and see what happens with Deku and the Todorokis. please don’t tell me we’re jumping ahead sob. my aaaaangst

OH SHIT

STAIN. LISTEN UP BUDDY. I KNOW WE’VE HAD OUR DIFFERENCES, AND I STILL DESPISE YOU FOR CRIPPLING TENSEI AND TRYING TO KILL MY BEST BOY TENYA. BUT AS IT HAPPENS, THERE ARE ONE OR TWO OTHER HEROES OUT THERE NOW WHO I WOULDN’T MIND YOU PAYING A VISIT I’M JUST SAYING

LOL BUT IT ACTUALLY ISN’T THIS MAN, FFFFFF

sob. yeah I was talking about Old Man Samurai actually but YEAH. HEY THERE ENJI

also is this entire hospital actually run by characters from Super Mario Bros though. first Yoshi and now this guy, come the fuck on that is not a coincidence

lmao they stuck him in another one of these cavernous creepy hospital rooms

wtf is it with Horikoshi and these giant fucking rooms lately. Kacchan’s in chapter 298, then Tomie’s colossal house furnished with like one table and a TV, and now this. and the weirdest thing about it though is that “huge space with nothing to fill it up” is like the exact opposite of what you’ll usually find in Japanese homes lol

so now Enji is just sitting there thinking things like “my head is fuzzy” and “I’m alive” lmao okay. not quite all there yet, huh. I’ll give you a minute

I’m so fucking curious as to who his first visitor is going to be omg. either way it’s going to be interesting af, and either way fandom is probably going to feel some way about it but OH WELL

okay now his thoughts are getting more coherent! and he’s remembering Touya, and feeling regret for freezing up and forcing Shouto to deal with everything instead

!!! OH HERE GOES BRACE YOURSELVES Y’ALL IT’S ABOUT TO GET SPICY

NO TOUYA PLEASE DON’T CRY HONEY NO PLEASE

ohhhhhhh man

okay, I mean I didn’t expect you to, but so instead then you’re just going to do... what? lie there and wallow in regret and self-pity for the rest of your life? son you know that’s not how we deal with our problems here in Shounen

though also, I totally do get it though. honestly, thinking on it, I probably would have been disappointed with any other response. but so this is where the rest of his family (including his adopted son) come into play now though, because like it or not they’re all in this thing together. and so friends, I am once again asking you WHO IS GOING TO BE THE ONE TO VISIT ENJI FIRST

AHHHHHHH

KRANCH!!!! OMG AND THE OTHERS ARE SO TINY NEXT TO HIM THAT I ALMOST DIDN’T SEE THEM AT FIRST. IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE TWENTY MILES AWAY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS REGULATION HOCKEY RINK OF A ROOM

holy shit I’m so excited lkjlklhlglkasdsjldfk

SDKFJLSKHLKJL

the way she has him by his collar lmaoooo. “lol nah you’re not going anywhere pal.” damn straight, siblings have to be ride or die in situations like this. banding together for survival. strength in numbers

OH MY STARS I’M JUST WARNING YOU NOW THAT I’M ABOUT TO DISSECT EVERY LAST REMAINING PANEL OF THIS CHAPTER PROBABLY YOU GUYS. WE COULD BE HERE A WHILE

love how Fuyu has absolutely no idea how to segue into THE SINGLE MOST AWKWARD CONVERSATION SHE’S EVER HAD, so she just GOES FOR IT in pure small talk mode like they’re meeting up for brunch somewhere

I KNOW IT’S A SMALL THING, BUT I APPRECIATE THAT THE FIRST THING ENJI ASKS IS WHETHER THEY’RE OKAY

lastly while I can’t wait for more of this delicious Natsu angst, I also just have to say that Enji has as much reason to cry right now as anyone on the planet. you can’t deny that being confronted by your not-dead-but-you-thought-he-was-dead son who’s all “SURPRISE DAD I GREW UP TO BE A MASS MURDERER AND I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING IS ALL YOUR FAULT AND NOW I’M GONNA MAIM YOUR OTHER KID” with a side order of “EVERYONE HATES YOU AND SOCIETY IS CRUMBLING AND NOTHING WILL EVER BE GOOD EVER AGAIN” is enough to bum pretty much anyone out. there’s a Pagliacci the Clown joke here somewhere. BUT DOCTOR, I AM THE NUMBER ONE HERO

oh man lol he is seriously falling apart

damn. like you guys, I’m sorry, go ahead and cancel me, but I do feel compassion for the man. it’s therapeutic for me to see an abuser actually feel remorse and be truly sorry and want to change and want to make it up to his family. and it’s also compelling as fuck to read a narrative about a family that’s trying to grapple with that, because let me tell you straight up, as someone who’s done a version of that song and dance -- it is exhausting. it is a piping hot mess. it’s a gigantic mishmosh of extremely volatile emotions that all somehow all contradict one another. love, hurt, hope, anger, betrayal, resentment, attachment, longing. it’s something you can both be desperate for and also want nothing at all to do with. and attempting to portray all of that and write about it is a monumental task, and one which Horikoshi has done so, so delicately thus far, and damn but I appreciate it. anyway, so I’m here and I’m ready for my latest helping of Todoroki Fam Feels you guys

GASP

oh man. OHMANOHMANOHMAN. CAN IT REALLY BE. IS THIS THE REDEMPTION ARC OF CHAPTERS 100 AND 200???

LMAO SHE’S ALL “WE ALL FEEL BAD YOU JACKASS STOP CRYING ABOUT IT”

LAY INTO HIM REI!! SORRY ENJI YOUR PITY PARTY HAS BEEN CANCELLED IN FAVOR OF A “SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT” PARTY COURTESY OF QUEEN ELSA OVER HERE. THE PEOPLE TOOK A VOTE AND WE WANT LESS WHINING AND MORE ACTION

oh my god look at this lady folks

NOTE THE HAIR BLOWING IN THE NONEXISTENT WIND. NOW WE KNOW WHERE SHOUTO GOT THIS POWER FROM

(ETA: btw guys, seeing Rei handle this crisis like an absolute champ despite everything she’s been through is everything, though. I’m reminded of Hawks’s line last week about people sometimes unexpectedly finding liberation when they’re backed into a corner. like things may be shit but goddammit her kiddos need her.)

THE CHAPTER IS ALREADY ENDING SOB, IT’S ONLY A 17-PAGER THIS WEEK, BUT GODDAMN WHAT A WAY TO CLOSE

oh my god. oh my god oh my god. AND FUCK YOU HORIKOSHI FOR CUTTING IT OFF THERE sob. it’s like each week the wait for the next chapter becomes more painful. the Todofam is about to get real, and on top of that Hawks is gonna crash the party at some point down the line, and on top of that we’re still waiting for Kacchan to have his own heartfelt discussion about What The Fuck Are We Supposed To Do Next with his best friend who’s currently in a coma. all I want to do with my life is read about these three things, and all I can do is simply wait as they are portioned out in agonizing, addicting little installments every week

anyway! tune in next time as we answer the question of whether or not fandom will finally run its train of logic all the way through to its natural conclusion and somehow manage to cancel Noted Abuse Apologist Todoroki Fucking Rei. don’t act like it can’t happen. you all know nothing is sacred lol. anyways but I’m ready for anything lol, bring it

[gloomybabygirl]

{in my head pt.1} Poe Dameron x smuggler!reader (soulmate au)

series masterlist 

next part

a/n: hey y’all!! this is just a lil puff piece inspired by this cute trend on tik tok that i’ve been seeing :) I have no clue who started it but if you do please let me know!! It was originally going to be a blurb but I realized my words weren't flowing because I had so much more to say!!! so here we go with a four part mini series :) let me know if you want to be tagged for it!

warnings: swearing probably, soulmate trope, Poe in the shower if you squint

word count: 3.2k

songs used: quando, quando, quando - michael buble & nelly furtado and invisible string - taylor swift

summary: you’ve been able to hear your soulmate’s voice in your head since you were little. You haven't found him yet. But what happens when you start to develop feelings for a voice you don't recognize as your soulmate? 

You had been able to hear his voice since you were little. You’d been able to hear it as far back as you can remember. An invisible friend that had always been there. An invisible string tying you to your soulmate, whoever he was. 

You could remember the sound of his higher voice when he was in his childhood, sounding like a flute flitting through you head as you played dolls and went through primary school. You used to hold back giggles at inappropriate times when you could hear his voice cracking through his adolescence. Maker, his voice cracking did not stop him from singing at all hours of the day. You’d silently cursed him for singing so early in the morning when you were young. But as you grew older, it turned into your favorite alarm, your mystery lovers voice rousing you from sleep. And then his voice eventually matured and grew into the warmest, richest baritone you’d ever heard. You’d remarked several times how lucky you were that you got to hear his voice all the time. It was a voice you could swear you would recognize across the galaxy. 

But you still hadn’t found him. 

At this point, you were convinced you never would.

It wasn’t common for people to find their person. Often times, people settled with lovers that they knew weren’t their soulmate. But that never stopped them from hearing the others voice. You were determined you would find the man you were suppose to spend your life with. After all, you had a better chance than most. 

But there was always that nagging voice in the back of your mind, never forgetting to alert you to a cold reality. 

He probably already found someone else. 

You were a smuggler. Being separated from family at a young age had you learning very quickly how to take care of yourself. With the... line of work you were in, you had traveled to every nook and cranny of the galaxy and met more people than you could count. Still no him. You knew the second you heard his voice you would recognize him as the man you were suppose to be with. 

One small issue. He didn’t have that same confidence. 

You didn’t enjoy singing as much as he obviously did. You would sometimes catch yourself humming in the refresher but would quickly stop yourself. His voice was just so... soothing. Flowing out of him like caramel. You didn’t want to bother him with your voice. Finn and Rey were tired of hearing about it, in fact. He had only heard you sing a handful of times and always very softly. If he didn’t hear your sweet voice for too long, he’d go into a fit convincing himself you were dead. But then he’d hear it. The quiet humming that sounded like someone singing gently in his ear. Just as he would realize it was you, it would stop. It drove him absolutely crazy. He wanted to be able to know you. 

And you felt like he had given you a piece of himself by sharing his voice with you. The songs he chose always felt meaningful and each word told you the story of the man you knew was yours. 

Most nights he happened to be singing very softly at the same time you were trying to fall asleep after a long day. Tonight however, you were crash landed on some desert planet in the outer rim trying to fix your old A-Wing from the Imperial days.

You could hear his voice in your head, still smooth and rich even with the late hour. Periodically, he would stop mid phrase, or trail off into a hum. You knew it was something or someone distracting him. You’d silently wished he could tell you about these interruptions when he came home to you. 

Tonight he was singing a new melody. You liked his usual mix of songs, but this one made you feel like an exploding star. You knew it was about you and not some Twi’lek he’d accidentally fallen in love with. 

“Tell me when will you be mine? Tell me quando, quando, quando...”

His voice flitted around in your head. It sounded like he was singing as you laid on his chest. 

“We can share a love divine, please don’t make me wait again...”

You wish you knew when he could be yours too. It elated you that he wanted to find you just as bad as you needed to find him. You wondered aimlessly what it is that makes him so kriffing hard to find. 

“Oh my darling tell me when.” 

The way his voice landed softly on the last note made your heart flutter. You knew you needed to give him something in return. it had been too long since you’d given him a sign you were still there, waiting for him.

Knowing it would take him a moment to find another song that conveyed his blind love for you, you decided it was your turn. 

You’d been flirting with the idea of singing back to him for a while, you’d just been waiting for the stars to align and for the man to stop singing for two kriffing seconds. Not that you really minded. 

Poe almost knocked himself out cold on the frame of his X-Wing when he heard a quiet, sweet voice fill his head. The way the voice felt like it was coming from his own memory told him he was hearing his soulmate. He stilled, tools in hand and held his breath, almost worried he would scare you off if he budged. 

BB-8 gave him an aggravated round of beeps when Poe ignored the tool he was trying to give him.

“Shh buddy, they’re singing.”

Happy beeps. 

He was thrilled when he realized this wasn’t just you humming to yourself on accident. This was you singing to him. On purpose. He listened as you sang your way through the whole song, your voice flowing melodically through his head, making him dizzy with the love he already had for you. 

“Isn’t it just so pretty to think all along there was some invisible string tying you to me...” 

You finished the sweet song and Poe held his breath, hoping you would sing to him again. When you didn’t, he felt his heart sink, but he hoped it was because you were waiting for the lullabies he sang every night while working on his ship. His way of telling you goodnight. At least, he hoped they helped you sleep rather than keeping you up. He was sure one day he’d be able to lull you to sleep while you were in his arms. 

_

It had been a few weeks since Poe had heard your voice so clearly. He had been insanely busy in the weeks following that night that he didn’t have time to think. He had been on mission after mission, each more grueling than the last. 

The Resistance was loosing people left and right. Too many good people. Poe didn’t feel like singing when his hope was dwindling down to nothing. 

A bright spot in his week was the day a new recruit came to base. Anytime someone new walked onto the base, Poe made a point to introduce himself, always secretly hopeful the recruit would recognize his voice. 

Today was no different. And boy was he hoping you were the one he’d been waiting for. His breath caught in his throat when he saw you at the hangar. Rey showing you around and introducing you to everyone who dared cross her line of sight. 

“Poe, buddy? You good?” Finn asked. Poe had stopped talking mid sentence when he saw you. 

He followed Poe’s gaze and saw you with Rey, arms hugged around your middle, obviously overwhelmed by all the people she was introducing you to. 

“You wish, Dameron,” Finn laughed. “I guarantee you don’t deserve a soulmate that good looking.” 

“Shut it Finn, it could be them.” 

“Guess we’ll find out...” Finn clapped Poe on the back when he saw Rey leading you over to the two men. 

Rey had introduced you to practically the entire base, most names going in one ear and out the other. But now she was leading you to the last two people you had to meet. ‘Best for last’ as she had told you. 

A damn. She was right. 

Both men were handsome, for sure. But the slightly shorter one in the orange flight suit? Maker this was going to be hard. 

You’d made a habit out of turning off any sort of feelings you’ve had towards anyone in the past. You didn’t want to bother with someone that wasn’t your soulmate. Even if that meant you’d be lonely your whole life. Why would you have a half assed love when there was someone else out there that was made for you?

But Maker, this pilot was giving you butterflies.  And you hadn’t even spoken to him yet. Now you had to find a way to kill the damn butterflies...

“And finally, this is Commander Poe Dameron and our friend Finn!” Rey introduced you to the two cheerfully, giving them your name.

“Hi, nice to meet you,” You said quietly, offering them a small smile before looking down at your feet. You silently tired to make the ground open up and swallow you, but once again the universe insisted you weren’t force sensitive.

“Always nice to have a new person join the cause. Where are you from?” Finn asked, trying to politely make conversation. You noted to yourself that his voice was too low to be the one in your head.

“Nowhere. And everywhere I guess? I was a smuggler for years,” You explained, heat bitting at your cheeks at the admission of your unsavory past.

“Well, we don’t judge people for that here. Do we Poe?” He hit his buddy on the back again, encouraging him to speak. 

Poe seemed to be coming out of a daze when he spoke. He cleared his throat and finally spoke.

“Uh, no, nope, not at all. Very nice to meet you.” Your heart deflated when his voice came out. It sounded similar to your soulmate at first, but the more you listed the more you came to the conclusion that Poe’s voice was too raspy and rough to be his. 

You and Rey said your goodbyes and she finally showed you to your quarters. How the hell are you ever going to learn your way around this base?

“Hear anything familiar?” She asked as you got to your door. 

You sighed deeply, exhausted and dejected, “Nope. It’s okay Rey. I’m convinced I’ll never find him at this point.” 

“That’s a shame. I thought you and Poe would probably get along well,” she gave you a knowing look. Maybe you made it obvious how attractive you found the pilot.

“It’s really okay. Thank you for showing me around base today.” You gave her a soft smile and turned to punch in the code to open your blast doors.

_

Your soulmate’s voice had been absent in your mind since your first day on base. You dearly missed him lulling you to sleep at night, or pleasantly interrupting you throughout the day. 

Panic shot through you at the thought that maybe he had died. But every so often you would hear him softly humming to himself, keeping the spark of hope alive in your chest. 

Besides that slight nagging making its way back to your head, you were having a great time getting to know Finn and Rey. You got caf with them most mornings, and would often spend nights in Rey’s quarters playing Sabacc. You hadn’t, however, seen the dashing pilot again. Finn complained a lot about missing his best friend.

“He's been so depressed lately. He wants to find his soulmate so badly, but he doesn't want to leave the cause to try to find them.” Finn explained one morning. 

“He used to sing to them all the time, but I think he’s given up hope... I haven't heard him sing in ages.” Rey commented, sipping her caf. 

Just as you were about to comment on your similar lack of luck in finding your soulmate, the handsome flyboy himself walked up to your table in the mess hall. 

“Hey guys, mind if I sit?” He asked in that damned raspy voice. 

Poe wasn’t necessarily happy to be spending so much time apart from his best friends. They were the only things keeping him sane sometimes. But now they chose to spend every waking hour with that aggravatingly cute new recruit. 

Poe was a friendly guy. Some may argue too friendly. But he didn't want to be around you. Actually, this issue is that he did want to be around you. Very much so. 

You were a dream walking into Poe's line of vision. He suddenly felt like everything was in slow motion when he caught a glimpse of you in the hangar.  You looked so nervous, arms crossed over your chest, shifting your weight as Rey made it her life’s mission to introduce you to the entire base. His mouth popped open like he was the star in a damn holomovie. 

When Rey pointed your attention to his general direction, Poe's mouth felt like cotton. Which muscle did he use to breathe again? Oh Maker, you could probably see his heart beating through his chest. 

He hated that he got his hopes up like that. And Finn was right, he didn't deserve a soulmate as ethereal as you. 

Then of course there was the devastating (albeit familiar) ache when you didn't give him any inclination that you recognized his voice. Poe didn't want to waste his time with anyone that wasn't his soulmate. He didn't want to put either party through unnecessary heartbreak when they both knew it wasn't written in the stars for you to be together. He had to distance himself from you. 

But it had been about a week since you first flew onto his radar. And you took the liberty of crossing his mind everyday since then. He knew he was risking falling for someone that he wasn't meant to be with, but he missed his friends. Sure, Poe was sad about his failed mission of finding his soulmate, but nothing could keep him down for too long. 

When Finn nodded for Poe to join, he scrapped his chair across the permacrete. He was purposefully sat next to you and across from Rey and Finn so he didn't end up looking in your direction for an inappropriate amount of time. But now he could feel the warmth emminating from you and smell the same waft of lavender her recognized when he first met you. Kriff. 

“Where have you been man?” Finn questioned him. “Avoiding us?” 

“Nah, nothing like that,” Poe lied. “I’ve just been working on my ship.”

“She must be in pretty good shape if you’re spending that much time on her,” You quipped. Shit, you hoped Poe enjoyed a good tease like his friends did. 

He gave you a lopsided smile, “You’ll have to come see her.” 

Unfortunately, the conversation continued on like this. Gentle, teasing, light conversation. It was easy. And Poe knew he was going to get hurt.

_

Your quick, light footsteps could be heard echoing through the halls towards your quarters. Alongside them was the heavy slow footsteps of the pilot you’d spent the whole day with. A chuckle rumbled through his chest as you reached the door to your quarters. 

You turned to face him and leaned up against the cold durasteel of your blast doors. There was a moment with no words shared between the two of you, just comfortable silence. 

Poe was so busy just looking at you that he didn't think twice before tucking a piece of hair behind your ear. He immediately pulled back and hastily shoved both hands in his pocket. He could’t help but notice the flustered smile creeping up on your lips. Damn, he’d like to make you smile like that more.

No, no. He had a soulmate to look forward to. He hoped. This wouldn’t end well. 

“Hey I wanted to apologize for the lack of usual ‘welcome wagon’ Poe this week. I just... I’m having a hard time finding my soulmate and I wasn't exactly in the right head space. I didn’t want your first impression of me to be depressed Poe.” He rubbed the back of his neck, obviously uncomfortable with the oversharing he couldn’t seem to help. 

“Don't worry about it. Finn and Rey may have mentioned something about you being upset about that this week. I completely understand.” 

“I take it you haven't found them?”

“Not yet, but I still hear him all the time so I have hope at least.”

Poe’s heart sank a bit. He hadn't been singing lately. 

“I’m sure you’ll find him then. Goodnight, thank you for today.”

“’Night Poe,” you smiled, turning to punch in the code to open your doors.

_

Poe was sat cross legged across from BB-8 in his charging station. 

“I don’t know buddy. I feel.... Guilty?” He nervously picked at the skin around his thumb nail. 

A series of confused beeps came from the droid.

“I guess I feel guilty that I spent the day with that new recruit and that I’m starting to have feelings for them when I have someone out there waiting for me. I wish this war would end so I could go find them.” He lamented to his little buddy. 

BB-8 let out a sweet melody, sounding like an automated songbird.

“Yeah you’re right. I’ll sing to them tonight, that should help me feel closer to them. Plus it's been a while, I’ll bet they miss this gorgeous voice.” 

He stood up and made his way to the refresher to wash off the day. He made it a cold shower to wash off his feelings for you. He wracked his brain for a song that would describe how he was feeling that day. When he came up empty, he resorted to the song he had fist sung a few weeks prior. Maybe since it prompted you to sing last time, he could have the chance to hear your voice again. 

“Tell me when will you be mine? Tell me quando, quando, quando...” 

When you heard the voice in the back of your head, you heart faltered. He was okay. Relief washed over you in a great, calming wave. 

“We can share a love divine, please don’t make me wait again...”

Your soulmate’s sweet voice cleaned away all the feelings you had developed for Poe. His soft voice felt like home to you and was soon causing your eyes to grow heavy. 

“Oh my darling tell me when.” 

He finished his lullaby with the usual soft tones that you already loved so dearly. Being friends with Poe was going to be difficult, but it would be worth it when you found your soulmate. His voice would always pull you back home to him. 

_

everything taglist: @softly-sad @clumsy-writing-rdb

[hepaidattention]

hi I’m going to list off my favorite emotional scenes in Teen Wolf that made me stop and think “oh my god - I thought this was just a campy teen drama.” Don’t mind me. (Not in a particular order.)

1) When Stiles thinks he has the same type of dementia that his mom had, and him and Scott hug each other before he has his CAT scan, and he just sobs as he holds his best friend. That scene WRECKED me and I will never get over it. It, in my opinion, was the most emotional scene in the entire show because it wasn’t about anything supernatural or mystical. It was a real issue that people have to face every single day. 

2) In s3, again when Stiles is mentally fighting the nogitsune and hasn’t slept in weeks. He goes to Scott’s mom for help, because that’s who he has for a mother figure. He needs someone to take care of him and he knows she always will. He breaks down in front of her, terrified over what’s happening to him, and she makes him sleep with a sedative (in a loving, caring way). He calls her mom as he goes under, and that scene might never leave my heart. Ever.

3) When Aiden dies in his twin brother, Ethan’s, arms. The fact that his last thoughts were that he still was going to die as the villain, even though everyone knew he was redeemed as a hero. Ethan and Aiden were never my favorite characters, but his death was so immensely sad and it was too much for me. He was just a kid.

4) The entire episode of Motel California. Isaac literally having to relive his childhood trauma - like what the actual heck? And of course, the scene when Stiles not only tries to talk Scott out of suicide, but then tells him if he’s going to kill himself then Stiles is going to die with him. AND THEN HE STEPS INTO THE GASOLINE. I literally ... I can’t. The relationship between Stiles and Scott might be the most wholesome friendship in any show I’ve ever seen.

5) When the Sherriff refused to let Stiles admit himself into Eichen House and uses the excuse that Stiles needed his pillow because he couldn’t sleep without it. Then, as he’s near tears fighting his son, telling him he couldn’t live with himself if he left him there without his pillow because he wouldn’t ever sleep, Stiles just looks at him and says, “Dad, I haven’t slept in days.” I think Stiles and his dad are my second favorite relationship in that show. There’s nothing compared to their father/son bond. 

6) When no one will believe Lydia that Stiles is real in s6 and she breaks down outside of where his door should be. What hurts me the most from this was that Stiles ALWAYS believed in her. It didn’t matter if she had zero proof, he always believed her and always convinced everyone else to believe her. If no one went along with it, Stiles always did. But when he was gone, she had no one to believe her, and no one to help her find him. Lydia always went to Stiles when she needed his help, and in many scenes she’s at his door for his help. This scene killed me because it reflected how she needed him, she came to his door, but it wasn’t there anymore and the way she broke down against the wall made ME break down. 

7) When the Sherriff remembers Stiles in s6 and his wife has to “die” in order for him to fully remember. Just. That’s it. There’s no other words to say. It was a BEAUTIFUL scene and I... I can’t. 

8) In s3b when Stiles has the nightmare within a nightmare within a nightmare, and when he finally wakes up he’s screaming and panicking and his dad has to come in and hold him down like this wasn’t a new thing. That’s called PTSD guys, and it’s real. This scene killed me. 

9) s3b again, but when Stiles can’t read in class and runs out and has a panic attack in the bathroom. Scott follows him and Stiles is insisting that its a dream, and Scott has to talk him through that panic attack as well as showing him he’s really awake. The realness in this scene just... all of s3b had me crying tbh. 

10) When Stiles has a panic attack in s3a. I swear this show got so real sometimes. They dealt with panic attack's a lot in the show and I appreciated it so much because YES. Teenagers going through this crap WOULD have panic attacks. I mean heck I have panic attacks without my friends and family all almost dying on a regular basis. It was so so sad and it just broke my heart for him.

11) in s6, when Stiles is being erased and he runs to his dad. He goes to him terrified of what’s happening and he hugs him and is frantically explaining and his dad asks him what his name is. That scene hurts. Stiles not being remembered by his dad is crushing, and it really hit me that he was really being taken. Seeing the realization on Stiles’ face is heartbreaking. 

12) When Stiles is about to be taken in s6 and tells Lydia she’s going to forget him and she says “I won’t” and he just says, “Lydia, you will,” but she still refuses to believe it. Then once he’s taken, she sits there and says “remember, remember” and the next scene Scott and Malia ask her what she’s forgetting and she says she can’t remember. 

13) When Lydia walks to and waits by Stiles locker in s6a after he’s been taken, and she doesn’t know who’s she’s waiting for, she just knows she’s supposed to meet someone there.

14) When Lydia realizes/remembers she never once told Stiles she loved him.

15) When Lydia stays with Stiles even though she knows Allison is about to die, and then can sense her death and sobs as she lays on an unconscious Stiles for comfort. Lydia goes through hell in s3b and I don’t think we realize it enough. She not only was emotionally tied to Stiles and had to not only watch but feel the pain he was going through with the nogitsune, but she knew Allison was going to die and knew there was nothing she could do about it. 

16) s3a when Lydia can feel what’s happening to Stiles but she can’t do anything about it so she just cries and banshee screams in her car. 

17) When Isaac has a breakdown in Argent’s arms after Allison’s death.

18) The entire backstory of Isaac. Like. Guys he was so abused that poor boy deserved so much better. His goodbye made me mad - we got so attached to him and then he just left and never came back. 

19) in s5 when they save Lydia from Eichen House but they think she’s dead, and Stiles begs her to open her eyes. I literally hold my breath every time I watch that scene. The tears in Stiles’ eyes, his broken expression, Scott and Deaton looking at Stiles like they don’t know how to handle Stiles if she’s dead, it’s... it’s so much emotion. And the relief on everyone’s face when she finally breathes. Just... damn. 

20) The entirety of Stiles dealing with the death of Donovan. I can hardly get through s5 because I can’t stand to watch the pain Stiles go through the entire season. He is emotionally tortured the whole time, and it’s not like is s3 when its a supernatural force - it’s his own darkness being used against him. He almost loses his dad, he almost loses Lydia countless of times, Scott (his BEST FRIEND, the guy he calls BROTHER) loses trust in him, and he has to live with the death of Donovan on his conscience with literally no support. Stiles was always, like Lydia, right about just about everything. Yet, no one ever picked his side - which left him having to fight his demons, AGAIN, alone. 

I’m gonna leave it there at 20. However, I could go on for hours. This show man - how is it one of the campiest, yet funniest, yet most emotional shows I’ve watched in a really long time? 

[bigsteeb]

this is gonna be a long post so bear with me, growing pains got a b i g emotional reaction out of me & I need to share my thoughts & feelings about it because jesus fucking christ.

ok first things first, someone hug this boy immediately. he’s sat in his room, still in his pajamas, in day time watching dog copter. this whole scene is just steven going “lol I’m sad, I’m gonna comfort eat & stay in my pajamas & watch a kids show I watched when I wasn’t as sad haha” & it’s not only upsetting, but relatable too fuck. his room is a mess along with him eating ice cream at what I assume is morning… making it his breakfast? geez steven. also idk if it’s just me here but in this shot he looks… bigger? like ignoring his body size shifting later on in the episode he looks a lot wider than he usually does when paul & drew board episodes to me, he’s rivalling etienne & maya’s steven’s wideness. did he… get chubbier from comfort eating? how much time has passed since together forever for him to put on weight if he has? this could literally just be steven slouching or his pajamas making him look bigger but as someone who is an advocate for the body positivity shown in su & suf it has me curious. I want to hug this soft, sad boy. It could also be due to how steven’s design fluctuates through the animation process, it’s never really on model all the time. 

the grunting noise he makes in this scene is very distressing, as are other moments from the episode too. a glimpse at the glow-bracelet he proposed to connie with is enough to physically pain him? fuck me man. is he leaving his room where there’s already ice cream… to get more ice cream? sobs. also the puns in this shot. I cant? slow burn?! you’re evil crewniverse. not to mention his body size changing throughout this scene, god this poor lad.

screams, this was when I started worrying. the boy is now in an environment he has never been in before & is feeling extremely uncomfortable & vulnerable. look at the lines under his eyes, his sad eyebrows & pout I hate it. also don’t even get me started on this part. the slight raise of a voice being enough to send him into panic?! fuck I hate how much I relate to that. 

here’s where I immediately broke, no god damn pun intended. seeing steven’s skeleton, steven’s fucking skull, like this pained me. that crack on his skull is from fucking jasper in jail break. I can’t express all of the visceral emotions that were going through my body at this. there was intense sadness for steven, extreme anger at jasper & the gems for allowing shit like this to happen to him. turns out he’s not as resilient as we thought he was. each hit he takes physically breaks him & then his gem instantly heals his wounds, my heart fucking broke at this. think back to everything that happened to him, everything that physically hurt him. it broke him I can’t deal with it! then there’s what priyanka says to steven next;

“you seem to of made a series of miraculous recoveries, but that doesn't change the fact that you experienced trauma. you’ve recovered physically but, have you recovered mentally?”

this part here along with her reassuring him that there’s nothing wrong with his brain, how childhood trauma can have an impact on how your body responds to stress & how you act in your social life, the usage of the word “cortisol” too. this stuff being in a children's tv show is incredible. the writing for priyanka describes trauma simply enough for kids to understand, but for adults to fully realise too. folks, steven has ptsd. there wasn't one bit of sugarcoating about it or nothing, this is canon fact & it hurts me. for so long have I wanted steven’s emotional issues to be alked about, to not only be brought to steven’s attention but to the audience’s too.

everything that has happened to him has built up to this moment. this moment where his behaviour & coping methods are finally making sense to a large majority of the fandom, & to steven himself. he’s hurting; physically, mentally & emotionally, & he isn’t coping well what so ever about it. his emotional support system is complete garbage, no one regularly checks in on him & folks just take steven at face value like “oh yea glowing pink? he’s fine it’s just steven” but he’s the bad person?! I hope a lot of you out there who genuinely believe steven is a bad person re-think yourselves after this. dealing with trauma is tough as shit. some days you even wonder if that one thing that fucked you up is really worth being labelled as trauma. I still can’t believe this is the route they’re taking, if he doesn’t get some form of therapy by the end of future I’ll be furious.

then things begin to spiral as he remembers what happened with connie. he clutches his chest in pain & begins changing size over intense amounts of stress & it was extremely distressing to watch. steven immediately reassures connie that this isn’t because of her, but because of everything else that happened to him. however. I believe that that’s a slight lie, he wouldn’t of spiralled if he hadn’t of remembered the proposal, steven you fucking himbo. he continues to reassure them both that he’s fine, just that he needs them to leave so he can calm himself enough to control himself.

then this happens.

“I. CAN’T. BE AROUND YOU RIGHT NOW!”

this was fucking intense. he means this literally in 2 ways btw. his body size shifting over the stress he’s feeling is a danger to both connie & priyanka in this moment, but it’s also because of how it started. being around connie hurts him. he’s not mad at her though let me make that very clear, just that thinking about what happened when he tired to propose to her is sending his head in a fritz. he did what he did full of confidence in together forever, for connie to then make him realise how silly he was being. these two are destined for each other, but that advice from ruby & sapphire has really fucked with him. he looks up to those 2, looks up to garnet, their relationship is so strong & stable. for them to give him that advice & to then scream “DO IT!” in his face is incredibly tasteless imo.

then greg gets here. I knew connie was calling for either greg or the gems when she was on her phone as she left the room, fuck yea connie I love you. the breathless, strained “thank you” from steven towards connie for calling his dad? g o d. connie telling him she’ll be there for him when he’s ready?! g o d. these next boards were done by rebecca, I knew immediately when I saw steven’s face. it makes sense that rebecca boarded these, because fuck. 

how do I move on from all of the stuff I’ve been through? how do I live life if it always feels like I’m about to die!?

I’m tearing up as I type this. when I first heard the leak of this audio I so badly wanted to believe it, but to also believe it was fake too. I was an emotional mess off & on for about 3 days over it because I couldn't stop thinking about how fucking distressing it was. like… shit steven. he seriously feels this. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain he felt just saying this in front of his fucking dad. he is hurting badly. this boy, this sweet sweet boy we’ve watched grow & develop into the person he is today is distraught about his future & life. it is… soul crushing to watch this. a group of friends of mine have found joking about the episode as a form of coping with the intensity of it & as much as that’s valid as fuck, any joke coming from this episode feels morally wrong to me. I can’t bring myself to join in it feels terrible even thinking about laughing at it to cope. I love them all, but I can’t bare myself to join them. this moment ending with greg comforting steven, telling him he’s here for him & all of his struggles, got me weeping. greg is possible the best father figure I’ve seen on tv, let alone a kids tv show. he’s amazing.

the final scene right here is lovely. greg making steven a hot chocolate & listening to him vent, reassuring him over his worry for his future. this right here is exactly what steven needs. someone to talk to, someone he could trust to talk about his feelings to. this the start of his support system, tag on peri from in dreams, bis in bismuth casual as well as connie from the past few episodes & it’s already looking great! even when greg eased him about being there for him steven still feels guilty about him leaving his tour, leaving his tour because he got a phone call from connie about his son being in need & steven feels guilty about it. fucking hell man. I did enjoy how the episode ended though, with that little moment between the both of them;

“just get some rest kiddo. you don’t have to solve all of your problems in one night.”

“yea. thanks dad.”

it’s a great message too, all of your struggles can’t be dealt with all at once. I’ve used a similar analogy before but it’s like removing a dead tree. you have to deal with all of the little things surround this issue first before you get to the deep, harder stuff. along side the message about trauma they’re both very important messages, I’m glad they exist in the show.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

one more thing before I end my thoughts & feelings over growing pains.

this ending shot;

as soon as I saw the frog mug my mind raced back to the promo for this scene, & this whole moment to come entirely. if you remember this moment has the first set of leaked audio within it, the audio of the gems basically cornering steven about him not opening up to them. christ pearl even gets mad at him for his gem building a wall behind him, protecting him from them. it’s common knowledge, I hope, that steven’s gem reacts to his emotional state. pearl herself has said this;

“I think your gem is reacting to your state of mind.”

his gem building this wall? it felt like steven was being threatened by them. this scene now has awful connotations with it. because since we now know what the pink mode is doing to steven, how actually painful it is, think back to these;

yea. fuck the gems. I’ll let it slide if steven, greg or priyanka haven’t told them about what happened at the hospital. but if they do know, if they know how much it hurts steven being in his pink mode & still press into him about it I’ll see red. with steven’s trauma & now ptsd being cemented into the show I fucking hope garnet, amethyst & pearl get held accountable for what they put on him as a kid. that shit will not slide with me if they don’t. do not condone what the gems put him through. do not condone the gems for making steven feel like he had to be his mum for them. just… don’t. please.

[im-like-if-a-girl]

*THE* mean-girl-dean-girl's Supernatural reboot MEGAPOST!

I'm gonna stick a little "keeping reading" here because hoooooo boy, this is a very long post.

Let's start with

Plot

Season 1

Dean kills John while they are out on a hunt in a crime of passion, but Dean doesn't remember because he blacked out. Cue Dean going to Stanford to get Sam and tell him "Dad's on a hunting trip... and he hasn't been home in a couple days."

The audience doesn't know what happened to John, but slowly figures it out with Dean and Sam as Dean slowly remembers what happened that night.

The entire first season, the boys are following the trail John left and fighting monsters as well. They find out Dean was with John, Sam realizes Dean has an unreliable memory, they have heart to hearts about their childhood and the fire, they find John's body, "how could you kill Dad?" but maybe Dean didn't kill dad, whooaaaaaa, misdirection.

It was actually good ole yeller eyes (Azazel) and he made it look like Dean killed John.

Okay, now let's move on to the first episode

Not sure how the opening would work, I would like the story of the fire to be revealed over the course of the first season, but maybe the opening scene could be a little bit of an establishing character relationships and backstory, idk, I haven't thought that far yet.

I'm thinking maybe it's like, Dean gets back to a motel room covered in blood and he listens to a voicemail on his phone from John saying he was on a hunt or something, I don't really know lol.

HOWEVER

I do know that after the intro rolls, we get a scene of Sam waking up to his alarm and "Nine to Five" by Dolly Parton starts playing.

Y'all know where this is going.

Cue a montage of Sam's normal Stanford college life (him sitting through lectures, walking through the campus with friends) spliced with scenes of Dean absolutely slaughtering a nest of vampires (or some other monsters, whatever works best.)

But

Now onto

Characters!!! (And descriptions)

Dean Winchester

Some lovely person on this site made edits of Dean with platinum blond hair and it made me feel some kind of way so we're doing that, homie's gonna have platinum blond hair

Side note about the hair, later when the brothers are running from the FBI he dyes it a dirty blond/light brown (insert jackles hair color controversy here) as a disguise.

He also gets tattoos because we were robbed.

Speaking of tattoos, concept: when Dean comes back from Hell, all of his tattoos are gone. His body is a clean slate, devoid of tattoos, scars, etc. So he gets his tattoos done all over again, which he doesn't mind because he made some bad, drunk tattoo decisions in his youth.

(And before you ask, yes, he does get one for Cas, either a bee or Cas's name in enochian, something cute.)

Dean goes to therapy after Sam gets sent to the Cage.

It's actually court mandated because he got in trouble, lol, he would never go to therapy on his own.

Along with the hair, Dean gets to be the grade A twunk we all know he is.

Sam Winchester

His hair gets longer in every scene he's in

No jk, but imagine

King of Microaggressions

Sam starts off like the sweetheart he is in season 1 but in later seasons he starts enjoying killing a little too much...

It's that demon blood, ba-by!!!

He brings up issues of morality to Dean, i.e. killing monsters who aren't hurting anyone. (Yes I know this is contradictory to my previous statement, but these two facets of Sam can and will coexist.)

Sam and Jess's relationship is explored further, meaning we'll need to start with a different inciting incident, but that's fine, I think everyone can agree fridgings are *(thumbs down)*

Sam doesn't truly know what happened the night of the fire until later, and then he understands why Dean is so protective of him.

Jess

She gets to live beyond the first episode

She is also trans

No, I don't feel like I have to explain myself and I won't 💜

She urges Sam to join Dean in a search for their brother, kind of gets pulled into the hunter lifestyle by association lol.

She dies on a rusty nail after fighting vampires on a routine hunt with Sam

No jk!!!

But imagine....

She's amazing and I love her and Lucifer also uses her as leverage against Sam and possesses her because I think that'd be cool.

She supports Sam 100% and also she and Dean are buddies, pals if you will.

She meets Cas Thee El and immediately she Knows, that is a homosexual.

She dies still so that we can have a Saileen Endgame but she's not dying the first episode or in a fridging. Not on my watch.

Castiel

He gets to keep his raw, light-fixture-exploding power.

I want more of that "I pulled you out of hell, I can throw you back in" energy except over dumb shit like Dean not cleaning up after himself.

He looks like a Dilf in every scene he's in, yeah, that's right, dilf with a capital D for *(GUNSHOTS)* *(gets sent to horny jail)*

Claire

She gets pink hair

And more time with Cas

And maybe a nose piercing

Feel like she should be able to kill a couple angels onscreen, punch a couple homophobes

She gets to meet Jack and teaches him swears and fun slang words.

She deserves it.

Jack

I says "that's my baby and I'm proud."

Jack starts off as a baby, but like Amara he grows up super quickly.

Like, baby to 11 year old in a couple days or less.

This is because Jack's emotional age on the show is on par with that of a 5th grader.

It's at this point when he's a young kid that he runs away from the Bunker and shenanigans ensue.

It's also at this point that Dean threatens to k*ll him.

(Still not sure if I want that in my Supernatural (threatened infanticide? In my Supernatural? It's more likely than you think) but we'll see. We'll see.)

Throughout a majority of season 13, Jack is like an 11 y.o. kid

Season 14 he's like a 16 y.o. teenager

Season 15 he's 21, you get the picture.

Listen, I love Alex Calvert a lot. He's great.

But Jack is a child and should be a child.

Kelly Kline

Kelly, baby, stay right where you are, you're perfect.

Eileen

SHE DOESN'T DIE

SHE GETS TO BE IN THE FINALE BECAUSE SHE'S AMAZING AND I LOVE HER.

BLURRY WIFE WHO? I ONLY KNOW SAILEEN ENDGAME!

She teaches Claire and Jack swears in sign-language. Castiel is not impressed.

John

J*hn W*nchester stans, DNI.

He's dead.

We only see him in flashbacks and only sometimes hear his voice in voice overs.

He's not "down the road" from Dean in Heaven, in fact he instead gets to wander around in some Purgatory like Hell for the rest of his time :)

People who get to say "fuck" on the show:

Cas (but only Once)

Jody

Bobby

Now onto other things

I want more of

Ghostfacers

(they need more screentime because I love them)

Dean/Benny

We know they had a thing.

They definitely had a thing.

Demon Dean

Again, I feel like more should've been done with this. All that build up for what, 2 episodes? was not utilized well at all.

Dean's Bisexuality

Straight Dean truthers DNI, my Supernatural is a show about love and being true to yourself

You think Supernatural is a show about 2 straight brothers fighting monsters?

Naw bitch, this is a show about the Gay Experience

He will get to have relations with men on this show.

Of course, only after John dies does he, y'know, display it. Maybe he kisses Cas on his dad's grave just to fuck John over, make him roll in grave.

We all agree John would be/is a homophobe piece of shit, right?

Okay, glad we're on the same page.

Dads

3 men and a baby with Jack is what I'm saying.

I love it when the Trio are father-figures to younger troubled characters they see themselves in, even better if it's like reluctant-but-loving father figure, oh, that trope gets me every time :'^)

Dadstiel and DadDean are my favorites, but I like it when Sam plays "Uncle Sam" to kids too lol.

"Fellas, is it gay to want a tight knit family with your husband, his son, his vessel's daughter, your brother, his wife, your cop mother figure and her wife and their adopted daughters? Asking for a friend."

Garth

Biggest flaw of Supernatural was underutilizing Garth.

I will never not be bitter that Garth was only in like, 7 episodes out of the whole 15 season series.

Every episode with Garth gets immediately 5 times better.

I love Garth.

Follow ups on characters who had entire episodes featured around them and then just... vanished???

This is mostly about Jesse, the magic kid whose imagination ruled an entire town like, his daddy was a demon and nothing came of that kid??? Only one episode about him?? No follow up???

KID CAN MANIPULATE REALITY AND WE'RE NOT GONNA GET A FOLLOW UP ON THAT?????

Uh, there was that one episode with Ennis the guy whose girlfriend was killed by a monster? I think?? Who we never see again, that was weird.

Tamara from season 3, episode 1.

And of course-

Cassie

She was so cool, and then we never saw her again :////

She gets to be a badass.

Religious imagery

As a former Catholic school student who has become for the most part, disillusioned with religion, religious imagery in TV shows like Supernatural make my brain go "brrrrrr."

Fun episodes!!!

Like, after season 6 or so, there's a drop in funny episodes

I'm talking Changing Channels, The French Mistake type stuff. (Scoobynatural is an outlier and should not be counted.)

So anyway

In my version we would have more fun episodes

I'm thinking

GENDER-SWAP EPISODE, BABY!!

(why they didn't do that in the original, we'll never know.)

An episode where Dean gets to wear eyeliner

That's it, end of post.

I want less

Racism

Yeah I feel like this is self explanatory, nearly every reoccurring character in SPN is white, and black side characters normally die in the episode they first appear in, or they'll be featured as a villain (Uriel, Raphael, Billie, etc)

Also there's a lot of... uh... asian fetishism featured in the show (what with "Busty Asian Beauties) that's really gross, also Kevin was a bit of a stereotype...

Also also it's super yucky how they kill the gods from other religions like???? Uh??? That's super disrespectful, let's not do that????

I know Supernatural is like, inherently racist because monsters are a separate race that are seen as some dangerous "other" that must be eradicated by hunters in a form of genocide-

Okay we won't get into that but

Still

Stop killing all your POC

Fridgings/Unecessary murders of female characters

I know Supernatural starts with a fridging, so this will be a hard thing to remedy, but

One death that really pissed me off was the death of Charlie

Yeah, that was pointless and we're not doing that. Charlie gets to live and be an awesome aunt to Jack.

And also Claire

Charlie Bradbury Superiority

Charlie and Garth get to meet because they're nerd/geek solidarity.

British Men of Letters

I fucking hate these guys

They're "litcherally" the worst.

The worst part is that the actors they have playing the British AREN'T. EVEN. BRITISH.

And you can tell

Uh, and that's all for now, I'll add more later.

tag list for people who liked my "if this post gets one like I'll post my SPN reboot masterpost" post.

@darianyunidi @sarasidlesaid @crazybananaalpaca @playfulpanthress @ultfreakme @fififeelsmellow @heller-char @luna8eaton @princessmeganfire @insanebot109 @queenofnightsnow @mongoose-underthehouse

Thank you for the support, hope the wait was worth it.

[toshiirou]

From Within - Linkverse Writing

This is is fic for a ‘link’s meet’ AU by @minas-linkverse go check it out! Specifically this is an among us AU that I have to thank Lyra from the linkverse discord for the idea. Given the nature of the AU this should be expected, there is major character death warning attached to this. Now to commence with the story.

They’d all been picked up, one after another, by the abandoned space station. It was some sort of relic of a time long passed – a backup of a backup, some sort of hideaway in the event of a disaster. Whoever built it were probably long gone, but the station remained, slowly rotting, but still alive – picking up passengers that needed it.

It was far from optimal condition, there was no doubt about that. Whether or not it was because of its age, or that it had never been completed, there were some essentials that were missing from the station. One of which was a robust enough life support that would allow its passengers to take off their space suits.

Legend thought it might have been designed that way. The minimal life support was energy conserving, and the suits lasted basically forever. They wouldn’t help in the dead of space, but in a controlled atmosphere they probably had a higher chance of outlasting any power supply issues that would otherwise arise from a fully functional life support.

It was lonely, though. Looking in the mirror and only seeing the reflective screen of their helmet, of looking at the other passengers and seeing only space suits – cold, alien, and distant. Legend had taken to imagining what everyone really looked like based on their voice alone.

Purple – Ravio, was probably some sort of weedy rich kid from a corner of the galaxy that barely saw conflict. He seemed to be completely incapable of doing tasks alone, was afraid of every dark corner, and his voice broke with fear at the mere mention of the imposter.

Oh right. So there was an imposter.

As established, the station was old and a little trash. Nobody could even tell who was the first to arrive on it, because its time-keeping system was kaput. Sky might have been first. Or maybe even Mini. The kid was so small Legend was sure they could have missed him entirely if Ravio hadn’t caught sight of the kid’s weird yellow suit and screamed. The fact that a kid was stuck on this hell-station, had been ghosted into the black at some point and survived only through the poor luck of getting found by this lumbering space junk – it filled Leg’s vision with red.

The poorly functioning space vessel was in a lot of need for repair. Most of their motley crew had gone off in ones or twos to try and patch it up through various tasks. It kept breaking again after some time but at least they weren’t slowly freezing to death out in the black. What a way to go.

It wasn’t until White, that is, Wild, upgraded their med-bay that the situation became apparent. There were eight of them: Sky, Twilight, Time, Mini, Ravio, Wild, Wind, and Legend themself. The space station read only seven human lifeforms, and one reading that screwed the entire screen when Wild tried to get more data on it. Whatever it was, the language that screen was showing for it was nothing that Leg had ever seen before. Which said something, since they’d been space-faring since childhood.

But the logs – the logs were damming. Previous readings of human lifeforms dwindling until only one was left, only for more to arrive and suffer the same fate. And throughout it all that one unreadable lifeform remained. Leg thought it might have never even left the ship.

‘This place is a death-trap,’ they thought. It could have been a graveyard except there was no remains to be found. If Wild hadn’t fixed up those logs then Legends was sure that they would have had no clue of the danger they were in. One of them, one of the group, was not who they seemed to be. One of them was an outsider.

And Legend was determined to find them.

Unfortunately tasks waited for no-one. Their group of eight usually split off into four groups of two. Wind usually stuck with Mini. He was happy to swap around sometimes once or twice with Ravio, and even with Legend themself. Although the less said about that partnership the better. Wind seemed to take offence at the fact that Legend wanted to get their tasks done as efficiently and correctly as possible, and had no time to teach Wind how to do this or that basic action. Plus the kid, like Ravio, was from one of those places where people spoke, and boy did he not stop speaking. Legend’s hands were too full to even reply! Honestly Legend would have preferred to go it alone but there was safety in numbers. And if not safety, there was accountability.

Usually Legend paired off with Wild, who was unobtrusive and got on with his tasks with no problem. Sky liked to pair with Wild whenever he got the chance, so Legend would rotate between pairing with Twilight, Time, or Mini, based on availability. Ravio only seemed like he was comfortable pairing with Twilight for some reason, but would take Wind, or Time, if Twilight was unavailable.

And that was suspicious, right? Ravio treated them all with fear. Even beyond what was reasonable. They all knew an imposter was on board but Ravio seemed jumpier than the rest of them combined. And his suit was a dark, almost faded purple, scratched up with some of the topcoat missing. Where did he get such a thing? The whole design of it seemed different. Even Wind’s garish lime suit modulated his voice – Ravio seemed to speak like there was no modulator at all. And for the life of them, Legend could not recognise the insignia that decorated the side of his suit’s breast. The rest of them came from societies all within the outer ring, and nobody knew what lay beyond that. What. Was Ravio from outside the known universe?

Or was he not human at all?

Legend had been keeping track of them all. The kid, Mini, was just quiet. He didn’t communicate with a voice or with hands, but he happily trotted along to accompany people in doing tasks. And he seemed so proud of doing his own tasks, despite being absolutely pants at it. He was just a kid, unfortunately enough to get brought along for the ride. It soured something awful in Legend’s gut that a kid was dragged into this, but they promised they’d try and keep him safe.

Time wasn't that much older than Mini, and barely more communicative. Time would, at a push, sign with the others, but he seemed content to be by himself, and talk to no-one. Time was certainly a little suspicious, and not out of Legend’s watch-list entirely, but the kid ha the stereotypical surliness of a young adolescent. He wasn’t very interested in the others, didn’t seem to care who followed him, and was very efficient at doing tasks. Someone who wanted them all dead would at least be a little less good at keeping them all alive, right?

Sky, well. Sky was nice. Probably too nice. His bright cyan suit exemplified his sunny personality. He was going to get himself killed one of these days. He was friendly and open, always willing to put himself as the first volunteer to go off and complete some necessary activity. He made sure to look after everyone else of board to the best of his ability, and Legend was honestly a little more worried about Sky sticking up for a potential imposter than they were Sky having a mean bone in his body. Sky was safe.

Wind, while exuberant, wasn’t a bad kid. He gave away way too much information with his chatter, and someone less scrupulous than Legend could absolutely use that against him. Luckily for him, legend did have scruples. And luckily for them all that they has Wild on board, who was hardly going to inform them all of their impending doom if he was planning on being the one to bring it. While that sort of sadism definitely existed in the universe, and Legend had met more than enough people who would relish in toying with them, Wild didn’t possess that sort of mean-streak. Both him and Wind were safe.

Twilight was definitely hiding something, although what that something was is yet to be seen. Legend has seen him huddle away with Ravio, heads together and whispering. If Ravio wasn’t the imposter Legend would be exploring that avenue of inquiry next.

As a group they had agreed on a plan. Nobody was keen on outright murdering anyone else on the mere suspicion of falsehood. But they were – after some pushing – fine within spacing a suspect, for a time that was. Their suits could hold up, especially with the portable oxygen tanks they found stashed on board. As a party they could then check the life signals in Med-bay and determine whether or not the unfortunate soul they excommunicate was the imposter or not. If so, a job well done. If not, well, they’d figure out how to retrieve them. Hopefully.

Now all Legend needed was an opportunity.

The lights shut off, and Legend was plunged into darkness. For a split, terrifying second they thought this was it, it was over. And then the alarm blared and the red warning lights flared, colouring the walls around them in their glow. What the hell was going on?

“Warning.” The automatic, monotone voice of the spaceship’s computer rang out over the alarms. “Catastrophic failure imminent. Internal oxygen failure countdown initiated.”

Legend ran.

They knew it. They knew something was going to happen, and look at them now. Trying to sprint across a hulking dead mass of a spaceship when they very well knew they were too far away from the override controls. They were dead in the water, done for. And not only them, the others, too. Even the god-damn kid. They should have spaced that snivelling purple coward when they had the chance.

Not a mistake they’ll be making again. If they lived long enough to have the chance, that was.

Legend was two-thirds of the way there before the count-down reached near-zero and stopped, abruptly. Their breath was almost fogging up the visor of their helmet, and their heart was thrumming in their chest like a scared rabbit. They’d over-exerted themselves in the effort to make it in time, but Legend couldn’t lie and say that part of it wasn’t fear. They hadn’t made it, but someone else had. Death had been delayed by a hair’s breadth.

They weren’t sure they’d be so lucky a second time.

Legend allowed themselves a moment to breath before they straightened up and pressed the nearby emergency meeting alarm. There was no way that purple was going to spend another minute on the ship if Legend was around to say anything about it.

They allowed themselves to take it slow on the way to the conference room, letting themselves calm down from the burst of adrenaline that fuelled their earlier sprint. Closer to the room they passed Twilight and Time, and gave them both a nod. Everyone was quiet while filing into the room, waiting until the last few people – Wild and Sky – to trickle in. Well, no time like the present.

‘We need to get rid of purple,’ Legend signed.

“Who, me?” Ravio asked, voice high pitched and anxious.

“What!” Wind yelled. “You can’t just decide that!”

“Yeah!” Ravio interjected. Legend turned to stare at him with such intensity that even with the opaque helmet blocking the way, Ravio quieted down with a squeak. Coward.

‘Lime’s right,’ Sky replied. ‘This goes off a vote-based system, you can’t decide by yourself. Do you have any evidence?’

‘Did you miss the alarm that just went off? We barely escaped with out lives.’

‘I didn’t miss it because White and I were fixing the issue.’ Wild waved from besides Sky. ‘White did a bulk of the work in making sure we’re still here.’

“Thanks, White,” said Wind. Legend was sure Wild, whatever he looked like, had a bashful smile on at the moment.

They needed to bring this back on point, however. ‘Yes thank you White.’ Legend nodded. ‘Ravio’s been acting suspicious since day one. He doesn’t seem comfortable with any of us, he’s always jumping at things, ever before we knew about the imposter. And not to mention his suit-’

“Are you sure you aren’t talking about yourself?” Wind interrupted. Rude. “Anyway, Ravio was with me the whole time! He has an alibi, which is funny because you don’t since you ditched me.”

‘You were too slow,’ Legend replied, aggravated. They could feel things turning, and they did not like where it was going.

‘I was with Green,’ Twilight informed them. Time, in their dark green suit, shrugged. ‘Well, I was chasing him. But I had him in my sights the whole time, so it couldn’t have been us.’

‘I was with White’, Sky signed. ‘Was anyone with Pink?’

A round of ‘no’s or head shakes was slowly sealing Legend’s fate.

‘I was on the other side of the ship. And I was only there so none of you had to fix it up alone!’ Legend wished they weren’t in a suit, if only to have the opportunity to pull on their own hair. Nothing was going right.

“You were the only one without a partner,” Wind said. “You have to admit it’s a little… incriminating.”

“I think we should vote them off,” Ravio said, speaking up again.

‘Quiet, you!’ Legend signed angrily, stepping towards him. They quickly found themselves on the blaster end of no small amount of phasers. They froze.

“I agree.” Wind replied.

Time shrugged. ‘Sure.’

Twilight seemed to take a moment, turning to look around and the people around him. He caught sign of someone, or something, and seemed to slump. ‘Agreed.’ He signed.

‘Cyan,’ Legend started, feeling a little desperate. ‘You can’t let them do this. Can’t you see you’re being played? He’s fooling you!’

‘I think,’ Sky replied. ‘The only one who’s fooling anyone is yourself.”

Legend staggered back. So really. Everyone was against them. They didn’t look towards Wild or Mini, unwilling to put that pressure on them. Unwilling to hear those two condemn Legend to a slow death in the cold of space.

‘I see how it is.’ They signed.

“Really,” Ravio said, rubbing salt into the wound. “It’s for the best.”

Well, the deed was done. A heavy atmosphere fell over the remaining members of the spaceship.

‘White and I are going to go check medbay. We’ll get a confirmation for you all.’ Sky paused. ‘Twilight. Just in case, can you and Green go ready the shuttle? If we were wrong… well. If we were wrong we’ll have to go give Pink an apology to their face.’

‘Alright.’ Twilight replied. ‘Let’s go Green.’ They left.

“See you in a little while,” Wind said, distractedly. He was looking over the reports from the emergency alert system. With just a little finagling he’d be able to track which part of the ship the breach first occurred. Any second, now.

“Huh,” Wind muttered. “That’s odd, it was nowhere near-”

“Hey Lime?”

Wind looked up, before looking back at the report. “Oh Ravio, you’re still here. You sure gave me a scare, buddy.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Wha-” Wind whirled around, but it was too late. There was a glimpse of yellow, and Ravio’s uncovered human face looking sad, and then there was nothing.

‘Did you hear that?’ Twilight asked, pausing in his preparation of the shuttle. Time shrugged and didn’t reply, which was typical for him, really. Twilight sighed in the confines of his suit. ‘I’ll go check’

He didn’t have to go far before he ran into Ravio, who was wide-eyed and panting.

‘Ravio! Your helmet. Did you run here, what’s wrong?’ Twilight’s hands could almost not keep up with the speed of his questions. Then he noticed the phaser clutched tight in Ravio’s grip.

Just over the quiet hum of the space station, the sound of a shot could be heard. Shortly followed by another.

Sky found him on their way back to the conference room, Wild coming up the rear behind him. ‘Yellow!’ He was rattled. ‘We have to call another meeting. We checked medbay, and Pink is innocent! There’s still the alien life-form- wait.’ Sky paused, looking at the shorter child. ‘Is that blood?’

…

And then there were none.

[littleoddwriter]

Nuisance | Roman Sionis x Male!Reader

Another vent fic. Just wrote this in the span of an hour, lying in bed. I was gonna sleep. But Uhhh, my OCD made me do exactly what reader explains in the fic. Only that I asked my dad to take the fuzzy socks off because, you know, and he did that, but not without complaining and falling back into old patterns. So. That was great. Not. Whatever. Hope someone can enjoy this. If not, that is cool, too. This was written for myself first and foremost after all. I should just shut up, lol.

Summary; Flashbacks hit you as your OCD acts up and Roman comforts you.

Notes; TW // Contamination OCD; Flashbacks; Past Trauma; Childhood Trauma; Name-calling/Ableist language; Ableism; Light Daddy!Kink (no mention of the actual word 'daddy', but Roman's usual use of pet names for reader in my fics). Male!Reader; Emotional Hurt/Comfort;

Abnormal.

Crazy.

Freaky.

Sicko.

These words, along with the accusatory tone and sentences they would be accompanied with, rang through your mind. Over and over again, you could hear your father yell at you, tell you how much of a fucking lunatic you were.

Ever since you had been little and had showed the first signs of your obsessive compulsive disorder, he would ridicule you, get mad at you, call you names. All for things that you had no control over whatsoever.

Tears burned your eyes, oh, so painfully as it all replayed in your head.

Please, stop.

You didn't want to be like this, either.

Stop yelling.

Please!

"Baby?" Roman startled you out of your inner terror.

You hadn't realised that you've been staring at your socked feet for probably way too fucking long to be anything but... abnormal. There it was again. Fuck.

Roman came over to you and sat down next to you on the edge of the bed where you've been seemingly glued to for the past minutes. He put an arm around you, gently rubbing a hand up and down your arm.

"What is it, sweet boy?"

"Nothing, sorry. I just got lost in thoughts, is all," you replied hoarsely.

"Something tells me that's not true. If you don't wanna talk, fine, but don't lie to me, 'kay?"

You nodded. "Sorry."

He squeezed your arm and then continued to rub it soothingly.

Biting your lower lip, you fought with yourself.

Should you tell him?

Should you perhaps just explain what had upset you in the first place and has led to the past trauma popping up the way it has, without mentioning that?

You didn't know what to do. You didn't want to bother Roman with it. You were enough of a nuisance to him already. He didn't need another reason to drive home the fact that he should finally just fucking cast you aside.

The tears that had just subsided came back suddenly, choking you.

You gripped the bedding tightly, your knuckles turning white with it.

"Ssshhh," Roman shushed you quietly, soothingly, his lips pressed against your temple.

"Fuck, I'm sorry," you whimpered.

"Don't."

You nodded.

Abnormal.

Crazy.

Freaky.

Sicko.

And a fucking nuisance on top of everything.

Why did Roman even keep you around?

Your breathing had picked up.

"Look, I know it's hard for you to talk about your issues, but I'm at a loss here. Baby, do you really not want to tell me what's wrong? You know I'm trying my best to be helpful, right? You know I don't judge you."

He was right. Rationally, you knew all that. Emotionally, none of it mattered, nor was it true.

"I know. I'm sorry, Roman," you replied anyway.

Roman just nodded, pressing a kiss on your temple.

"It's just... Fuck, okay. So... You know I have OCD, right?"

Once more, he nodded, making an affirmative noise in the back of his throat.

"Right. Uh... So. I'm sure you noticed how I have this routine. I do thing after thing after thing that would make me need to wash my hands after I've done it. So, I do all those things in a certain order so that I can wash my hands maybe just once or twice in the end, instead of the usual four to five times, if not more."

You paused, swallowing thickly.

Roman didn't say anything. He just kept rubbing your arm and pressing sweet kisses on your temple.

"Well, uh, so since it's gotten colder, I wear my fuzzy socks over my regular socks, right? To keep them clean, but also to keep my feet warm. And usually I take them off during my routine because I don't want the dirty fuzzy socks in bed, right? A-and tonight, because I was already so fucking tired and all that, I mean, you've noticed that, I know you have- fuck, uhm. I forgot to take them off. But I've already washed my hands and put lotion on them. And now I don't wanna wash them again, they're already fucking bleeding again anyway. A-and--- and then- then I started panicking and then bad memories popped up---"

An awful, ugly sounding sob tore itself from your throat.

You squeezed your eyes shut and swallowed, trying to push it all back down.

Don't cry.

Please.

One tear managed to escape, but the rest was pushed down, just like always.

Then you continued. You might as well have explained the entire thing, when you have already started going well overboard anyway.

"My OCD started showing when I was like four or five already. At least that's what my earliest memories are. And my dad- he would always yell at me for the things I'd do because of it. He'd mock me. Call me names and such. He was always so fucking angry with me for it. He never stopped, not even when he knew what was going on, when I was about nineteen or twenty.

"And I just- I don't know. It just all came back in a rush as I sat here and realised that my socks were still on and started to panic over it. Then I was scared that perhaps you would... not be like my father, but... think that I'm crazy, too. Things like that. I'm sorry. I know you're not him. I know you're trying to be as understanding and patient with me as possible. And I appreciate it, I do. I'm really sorry."

Your heart was racing. It felt like it wanted to make its way out of the confines of your chest.

Roman sighed. He sounded frustrated.

Was he angry with you after all?

"I really can't fucking stand your father, baby. I know you often tell me how fucking great he is and how much he loves you, but fuck... He really fucked up. And while I hate my father's guts and would rather see him dead, I won't tell you that loving your father is wrong, despite the awful fucking shit he's pulled on you all your life," Roman rasped.

A sigh of relief left your lips. So he wasn't angry with you, but your father. Thank goodness.

"Thank you," you whispered, finally looking up at him and meeting his eyes.

He smiled back at you.

"Now, my little prince. I can see that your fuzzy socks are still there. Would you like me to take them off for you, then?"

You were taken aback by his offer.

You hesitated.

Did he feel obligated to be kind to you?

No. No, he wouldn't. He never did. He didn't give easily. He didn't show that he cared a lot. He didn't usually care about people as it was.

So, you nodded.

He kissed you on the lips, shortly, softly. Then he lifted each of your legs by the ankle and pulled off each fuzzy sock, consciously leaving on your regular socks, since he knew that you couldn't sleep with bare feet.

After that, he got up to put the socks away and washed his hands. Then he came back, lying down on his side of the bed, as you finally lied down, too.

The two of you got under the covers and shifted close to one another and into your usual position. He lied on his back, your head rested on his chest, hearing his heart beat, one of your hands on his stomach. One of his arms was wrapped around your shoulders again, the other one rested against his stomach, his hand laying on yours.

"Do you think you can sleep, now?" He asked after a couple of minutes of sweet silence.

"Yes, thank you, Roman," you replied softly, pressing a kiss on his chest, through his silk pajama shirt.

"You're welcome, sweet boy. Now, go to sleep. And remember, family is the absolute fucking worst. No matter if you love them or not. They are all fake fucking fucks."

You nodded against his chest, smiling slightly.

In a way, he was right.

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

It’s All In The Execution (S2, E1)

It happened. We got a second season. I’m living my best life...unfortunately Malcolm isn’t...

*** Content warning: brief mentions/allusions to depression, suicidal ideation, and Malcolm’s general poor mental health ****

SPOILERS AHEAD.

0:00 -  OH HELL YES. I can’t believe we actually got a second season! <3 My heart is so full. 

0:18 – “This ledge is taken.” …..ok so I have lots of feelings about this scene. 1) Malcolm’s lines are iconic in this scene and I love it. 2) WHY THE ACTUAL HELL WOULD JT, DANI, AND EDRISA AGREE TO LET A (LET’S BE HONEST) MAN IN A VERY BAD MENTAL STATE WITH A HISTORY OF DEPRESSION STAND ON A LEDGE FOR A CASE?!? Like seriously, Gil wouldn’t have gone with this shit. 3) As soon as I saw Malcolm on the ledge I believed he was seriously considering jumping. He showed passive suicidality most of last season and after Endicott – well I don’t blame him for being a little depressed. 

0:26 – Damn. Malcolm is really manic in this scene. It’s reminiscent of the pilot episode in the sense that Malcolm really has no filter. 

0:40 – Ok so Tom Payne deserves a freaking Emmy. This performance is gorgeous. Look at his facial expression when he says “It got real dark for me though. Family issues.” The look on his face completely convinces me that Malcolm is riding the struggle bus more than usual right now…..also am I the only one who thinks this ‘penthouse slasher’ is kind of unbelievable? He strikes me as too anxious and jumpy to be a serial killer. 

1:18 – Is Malcolm even trying to hide the fact that he knows what happened to Endicott?!? I mean “I tried to fight it” can’t JT and Dani hear his usual ‘projecting his personal issues on the suspect shtick?’ 

1:30 – Did he really just scream “I am the Surgeon’s son” from a ledge?!? Dude – someone please give this boy a hug and get him to Gabrielle – like last month.

1:40 – Soooo… now Chester isn’t scared of the ledge? He looked like he was going to wet himself from fear a literal minute ago. 

1:49 – OH OF COURSE CHESTER SLIT THEIR THROATS. JUST LIKE AINSLEY SLIT ENDICOTT’S. Chris Fedak really loves to inject Malcolm’s personal issues into the ‘serial killer of the week’.

2:23 – I’m sorry – the team let Malcolm on the ledge without tethering him first?!? No. No. No. I refuse to believe it. Dani, JT, and Edrisa care too much about Malcolm to let him do that.  

2:28 – Why is Edrisa even on this stakeout?!? Did she fill in as the 4th team member while Gil was in the hospital?!? I love Edrisa – she’s hilarious but the fact that she’s in the field like this is absolute nonsense. Hahaha 

2:32 – hahaha OMG. JT is like the big brother forced to hang out with his younger sibling and their weird friends. He’s think’s they’re all crazy but he’d also die for them.  

2:42 – Yikes. Malcolm is questioning his moral code. This boy is headed for a real nasty downward mental spiral if someone doesn’t intervene quickly.  

2:46 – Am I really supposed to believe that a rope tied to a radiator can hold the weight of two grown men dangling off a building?!? I mean – I’ll suspend my disbelief because I know it’s fictional entertainment but I found it really distracting.  

2:48 – JT. Would. Not. Let. Go. Of. That. Rope. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT. If for no other reason than because he loves GIL too much to let Gil’s surrogate son fall to his death. I understand why this happened – tension and excitement for television in the first scene of a new season but honestly – this whole first scene is wildly unrealistic given what we know about JT, Dani, Edrisa and their respective roles on the team.

2:50 – Can we talk about JT’s facial hair for a sec? I like him with it (and without it). Part of me thinks he grew it because he’s trying to channel Gil while he’s temporarily in charge of the team.  

3:08 – Honestly, the second Malcolm picked up his phone all I could think was “You moron. What if you drop that thing off the side of the building!?!?!”…then I remembered that he’s rich.

3:20 – “Please say it’s cancer.” Hahahahahaha OMG. I have a love/hate relationship for Malcolm with no filter. That’s freaking comedic gold. 

3:57 – “I’m hanging in there.” Tom Payne is freaking incredible. Look at his facial expression here. Malcolm’s emotional pain is etched on that face. Ugh. I’m love. 

4:02 – soooo no updated title screen. Interesting. 

4:08 – Istg the writers only put Ainsley in this scene so she would be in the episode. I mean honestly – what kind of precinct lets reporters with a camera crew INSIDE?!?! 

 4:15 – hahaha I love JT in this scene. I love how he initially looks at Ainsley with a mixture of confusion, resignation, and fear. This is a man who does not like the camera.  

4:16 – Side note: is it just me or is Ainsley acting very manic in this scene? Something about her energy reminds me of Malcolm circa 1x05 when he’s not sleeping and trying to convince everyone that he’s fine.

4:38 – hahahaha OMG. That wink.  

4:48 – Even Malcolm looks surprised that Ainsley and a camera dude were let into the precinct.  

5:00 – Ahhh the hand tremor. <3 Love that they’re still using that. 

5:05 – also Malcolm is heartbreaking in this scene. Someone give him a hug. Look at how hard he’s trying to hide his pain, fear, and trauma. UGH.  

5:33 -  So we finally get to see it. The moments immediately after 1x20. Or do we? I have this crackpot theory (I posted it on my main blog, so you might’ve already seen it – “AllTimeBouvier”) that these flashbacks are only a fraction of the truth. I think Sophie walked followed Malcolm from the vet’s office to the hospital, then home. I think she hid when she heard Endicott’s voice due to fear but came out after Ainsley started screaming and stabbing.  Besides – anyone else notice how the portion of these flashbacks where Malcolm is saying “Ainsley, focus on me. You didn’t do this. I did.” Only his right hand is ever in the frame. So it’s impossible to tell if he’s holding his cell (on the phone with Martin) with his left hand or if he just hung up and put the phone back in his pocket? I think that Martin either phoned Malcolm back or Martin heard Sophie’s voice and demanded to talk to her. I think Sophie disposed of the body while Malcolm took care of Ainsley like a good big brother. I think Sophie went into hiding and Martin is gaslighting Malcolm into believing that he disposed of Endicott’s body.  

5:37 – Anyone else want to know what happened to the murder weapon? And Ainsley’s bloody clothes? Just me? 

6:00 – hahahahaha Jessica is so extra. I love it. 

6:29 – Wait. What? Why was Ainsley quarantined with Jessica? Ainsley has her own apartment. If Jessica forced Ainsley to come and live with her during quarantine – why didn’t she also force Malcolm? This doesn’t track for me. 

6:40 – I love that Jessica brought Malcolm food (you can see the grocery bag behind Malcolm in one of the shots) and went so far as to actually lay out the breakfast ingredients for him. <3 I mean. It’s extra but it’s also sweet.  

6:45 – Why is Jessica looking at Malcolm’s pill bottles? Is it just to avoid eye contact with Malcolm while she talks about Gil? Is she noticing that his dosage has changed (she’s extra so I’m assuming she knows exactly what meds he takes and how much of each). Is that part of the reason why she’s suspicious of Malcolm? His dosage has gone up and he’s clearly trying to hide his pain?

 6:52 – I love how Malcolm interacts with Jessica in this scene. It’s so cute. They’re adorable. AND seeing Malcolm in casual clothing is always nice.  

7:44 – “Oh about that.” Damn. Malcolm really can’t catch a break. Poor baby. : ( 

7:50 – hahaha Martin looks like a mountain man here. Completely deranged and un-groomed.  

7:51 – Glad Mr.David isn’t dead or evil. I had fears.  

8:35 – The tension between Dani and Malcolm seems to have lessened since 1x20. The trust seems to have been partially rebuilt. Partially. Dani is still suspicious.  

8:38 – Well at least Malcolm’s still going to therapy.  

8:41 – GREEN SUIT. HELL YES.

9:06 – “The ‘Drise knows.” OMG hahahaha I love this show. Look at how Malcolm looks at her hahaha. 

9:17 – “I can fire these people right?” OMG. 10/10. JT REALLY SHINES IN THIS EPISODE. AND FRANK HARTS IS KILLING IT and the writers gave him so much well deserved screen time and great lines.  

9:53 – Malcolm and Edrisa getting excited about murder is honestly so freaking cute.  

10:34 – OMG. The way Malcolm perks up at the mention of rumours is hilarious. A learned behaviour from Jessica during his childhood? 

10:45 – I’ll say it again. Chris Fedak was wasting Frank Harts in season 1. This dude is shining in this episode. I hope they keep giving him more lines and screen time than they did last season. 

12:00 – I love seeing Malcolm this excited/happy but it’s pretty concerning that his passion is murder weapons.  

12:04 – This scene is really interesting to me for four reasons 1) Where the eff did Dani go? I guess she’s probably on her way to see Gil? 2) Even though Malcolm is getting excited about murder he’s way less manic than he was earlier this episode. 3) I love watching JT deal with Edrisa and Malcolm’s nerdy excitement. I could watch it all day. So fun. 4) I love watching JT and Malcolm in scenes together. Period. I can honestly say that watching their friendship evolve is one of the highlights of this show for me.  

12:30 – Heartbreaking. Malcolm had a few minutes where he forgot about Ainsley, Endicott, Martin, and the various traumas currently haunting him. Then he not only remembered but he saw Martin in himself. The crazy person collecting murder weapons. You can tell he feels embarrassed, ashamed, and sad. I genuinely believe that’s why JT says, “soooo weird.” with a look of sympathy and concern. JT doesn’t suspect that Malcolm has anything to do with Endicott’s murder at this point in time. Mark my words. 

12:55 – Edrisa gets Bright. I will never ship them together but I really hope they get more scenes together this season. Their friendship is beautiful. 

13:00 – Malcolm, baby, no. You don’t have to do this. Ugh. Poor baby. This is just going to make the night terrors worse. 

13:10 – They trimmed Martin’s beard but not his hair between the first scene in this episode and now. I think they just combed his hair? Why?!? Was this a Michael Sheen request? I must know!!! 

13:40 – hahaha OMG. Can we all just take a moment to appreciate how incredible Michael Sheen is?!? This man can go from downright terrifying to hilarious in a split second. Incredible actor.  

13:55 – Sooooo Mr. David doesn’t know about Endicott? Because he’s definitely heard Malcolm and Martin discuss some pretty sketchy stuff over the years. I’m pretty sure he heard about the Sophie stuff last season didn’t he? Why is Martin finally trying to hide something from Mr. David?  

14:03 – Look at Malcolm’s face. Ugh. He looks nauseous and scared. Someone hug him. Or better yet – get him away from Martin.  

14:18 – Sooooo is Jerry going to be a problem later? Martin ‘cures him’ later in this episode so will he be able to tell someone he heard Martin and Malcolm talking about Endicott’s murder? Would anyone believe him?  

14:40 – GO. TO. HELL. MARTIN. You’re not feeling it?!? Haven’t you caused enough emotional damage to your son. Stop. Trying. To. Manipulate. Malcolm.  

14:50 – Question 1000 about how Endicott’s body was disposed of: Where the hell did Malcolm get that yellow jumpsuit on such short notice? And….those gloves – anyone else notice that they’re practically the same as the gloves he puts on in Izzy’s sex dungeon in a few minutes? ALSO – THEY FOUND ENDICOTT’S BODY IN ESTONIA?!? LIKE ALL OF IT OR JUST PARTS OF IT? WOULDN’T IT BE SMARTER TO SCATTER HIS BODY IN MULTIPLE COUNTRIES IF IT’S ALREADY IN PIECES?!? Unless maybe Endicott’s body isn’t in pieces because we all know that Malcolm’s memory of traumatic events is fuzzy at best. 

15:07 – “Don’t. Say. That. Never, say that.” - I’m really proud of Malcolm here. He’s clearly in serious emotional distress throughout this whole conversation. He’s grappling with what he believes he did, what that means about him, his moral code, and his relationship with Martin. But yet – he found the strength to basically tell Martin to eff off.  

15:20 – AMAZING. Right after Martin says “Estonia?” there are a few seconds where it genuinely looks like Malcolm is going to cry. It’s moving as hell, heartbreaking, and some downright kickass acting. 

15:56 – Well, that’s not going to help Malcolm’s night terrors. But we definitely have confirmation that Jerry wasn’t as engrossed in the cartoons as Martin suggested.  

16:20 – I love this scene. Gil is the whole team’s surrogate father – not just Malcolm’s. Sometimes I forget that. Also – the fact that Chris Fedak waited 16 minutes to show us Gil Arroyo alive and well is a crime.  

16:28 – “He wouldn’t dare.” “I know.” How cute is this? Look at Dani’s smile. Ugh. I can’t decide if they know that JT doesn’t want Gil’s job because he loves working with Gil too much or he doesn’t like how much responsibility comes with Gil’s title. Probably a combination of both.  

16:35 – Sooo has Malcolm not been visiting Gil? I guess because of COVID he couldn’t but now he’s just not? I mean – Gil would be able to tell how Malcolm’s doing just by looking at him.  

17:05 – I’m sorry ‘multiple surgeries’?!? I want elaboration on this.  

17:09 – So I googled “British musician Izzy” and the top hit was the guitar player for Guns’n’Roses (who looks kinda like this guy). I have no idea what that means but I found it interesting. 

17:30 – Holy shit. Izzy is a nutcase. I love him. hahaha 

17:55 – Soooo Malcolm keeps a spray bottle of some sort of magic “show me the blood” water? Nah – the writers wrote it into the show for this scene’s convenience.  

18:05 – I love this. Malcolm’s nonchalant approach to his mother and Gil’s budding relationship. He’s like a little kid who doesn’t want to get his hopes up. He’s using the mentality of “If I don’t acknowledge it, it’s not happening. Therefore, if it goes wrong – I won’t get hurt by it.” It’s really sad and I wish he didn’t run away from something that will potentially be good but I also get it. 

18:06 – I also respect Malcolm a lot in this scene and am irritated by Dani. Look – they both adore Gil. They’re both protective of Gil (and in Malcolm’s case Jessica). Here’s where they’re different: Malcolm recognizes and respects that Gil and Jessica are adults who can make their own decisions. Dani doesn’t. Dani is acting like a preteen trying to break up Dad and the new step-mom she isn’t sure of. Dani and Malcolm both have their hearts in the right place but I disagree with Dani’s response to the relationship. I also understand where she’s coming from given what we know about Dani’s bio Dad.  

18:39 – It’s not supposed to be funny but holy hell. Malcolm putting his head on the floor to listen is hilarious.  

19:00 – I’m getting major John Watkins flashbacks. Malcolm breaks down a lot of walls where serial killers once hung out. Is that supposed to be some sort of subtle comment on Malcolm’s character? 

20:33 – Damn. Malcolm’s hair is long this season.  

20:55 – aannnnnd here are the murder gloves from the Endicott flashbacks. 

21:30 – Something about Malcolm dancing to this music in this supremely manic state is really upsetting to me. It just makes me uncomfortable.  

22:13 – I’m so worried about Malcolm right now. Holy hell. Get him to Gabrielle. NOW. 

23:00 – A skil saw. Pretty much a small version of what Malcolm thinks he dismembered Endicott with. Yikes. Fedak really loves making Malcolm project his issues on murder suspects.  

23:27 – Yep. Dani totally thinks Malcolm killed Endicott. She thinks he’s gone dark side and followed Martin’s footsteps. This is not going to be good for their friendship or the trust that they’re rebuilding.

23:50 – One of my favourite things about this show is that it can go from dark and creepy to family sitcom-esque drama in a second. It helps lighten the show’s tone a little. I mean honestly – most of the fans are here for the family drama as opposed to the ‘killer of the week’ storyline anyways. 

24:10 – I love this. Jessica admitting to Malcolm that she and Gil have been discussing him for almost 25 years. You can see that Malcolm is 1) a little freaked out and 2) a little touched. For a moment you can see how badly he wants Gil and his Mom to have a long-lasting romantic relationship.  

24:32 – OMG. Why did Jessica call Ainsley about Malcolm’s mental state before calling Malcolm? Is that standard Whitly family practice? I have questions. 

24:40 – Yep. Dani is Concerned and Scared.  

26:46 – Sooo we all agree that Martin was trying to electrocute Jerry to death right? I mean “You really shouldn’t have done that Jer-bear.”?!?!  And he’s literally a serial killer?! 

27:25 – Mr. David is having none of Martin’s bullshit – so how did Martin get away with it? What does Martin have on Mr. David? 

27:50 – “A miracle.” Omg. Hahahaha. I love this show. So. Much. 

28:09 – “clearing her brother’s name. Not murder.” Seriously, the parallels between this case and Malcolm’s personal issues are more obvious than usual this episode. Almost to the point where I’m annoyed that the other characters aren’t really catching on.  

28:35 – “What happened, his brain break?” I love the way JT can simultaneously tease and be concerned about Malcolm. Ugh. It’s beautiful (and hysterical). 

29:07 – Not again. Please stop putting JT in front of the camera. I’m getting second-hand embarrassment and anxiety on his behalf. It hurts to watch (funny too, but mostly painful). 

29:19 – Look at Gil. Hahaha he’s so amused by JT’s awkwardness in front of the camera – but you can also see how proud he is. <3 I love papa!Gil.  

29:33 – “Police work is patience.” Cute 1x05 callback. And can we all just take a minute to appreciate how much Gil loves Dani. Just look at his proud Dad face!! <3 Warms my cold, dead heart. 

30:00 – Oh yeah, Dani is suspicious.  

30:04 – I love how Gil seems to be the only person who truly understands Malcolm and all his quirks. <3 I love how much Gil loves Malcolm. <3 I just…ugh. <3 <3 <3 • 30:11 – “I’m a good big brother.” That line cut through my heart. He shouldn’t have been put in this position – choosing between his moral code and his brotherly instincts. It’s not fair and the stress of it is literally killing him.  

30:17 – “Messed them up.” Them!?!? I’m sorry Dani, when did you and Gil start talking about Malcolm AND Ainsley?!? Last I checked this was a 100% Malcolm conversation. …she’s not wrong though. 

30:33 – “There’s nothing we haven’t talked about.” I love what that suggests. To me – that means they when Dani has a bad break up, they talk about stupid stuff like what they’re cooking for dinner and songs that make them happy. I love that it suggests that Dani and Gil have talked about Jackie. Malcolm might be Gil’s fake-son but Dani is sooo Gil’s fake-daughter. <3 I can just see him getting all overprotective when she gets a new boyfriend even though he knows damn well that Dani is more than capable of taking care of herself – he can’t help it, Dani is his little girl. <3 <3 <3 

31:00 – Ugh….ok. So this scene. I’ve seen a lot of mixed reactions about it. I have a bit of a mixed reaction myself tbh. On one hand, I love that they have the type of relationship where they can openly discuss this. On the other hand – it feels forced and it really rubs me the wrong way. Dani is just way out of line here. She’s totally attacking Jessica and Gil is kind of letting her? I mean I think it upsets me so much because Gil isn’t even really defending Jessica.  Also, that line about Jackie thinking the Whitly’s are cursed?!? Wtf is that?!? No. No. We know that Jackie loved Malcolm like a son. Jessica has said that Jackie was kind. What is this cursed nonsense?!?!? I refuse to believe it. And the fact that Jessica heard it all breaks my heart. Like – it physically hurts me to watch this scene for all of the above reasons. But I also kind of understand why we got the scene – to further explore the Gil+Dani dynamic and to add some angst to the Jessica/Gil romance.  

33:00 – Oh hell yes. I love this danger. 

34:10 – Amazing how calm Malcolm is while the killer is literally going through his murder weapon collection. Like he hasn’t been this calm all episode? 

35:10 – Ahhhh here’s manic!Malcolm. 

35:25 – “Is it my hair?” Okay so totally hilarious, but Dani is listening to this. Can she tell that Malcolm is clearly (and weakly) deflecting the comment about him being a killer like Martin? 

35:40 – Malcolm is scared. :( Someone please hug him. This is the most honest he’s been all episode. My heart is broken.  

36:20 – Soooo did Malcolm just abstractly tell Dani that he’s a justice killer? Nahhhh I’m totally typing out of my ass.  

37:00 – He was on the Harvard fencing team?!? Why is that adorable? 

37:34 – Malcolm just cut a dude 3x. No remorse. No more fear. He’s calm. I’m terrified. Does he like hurting the killer?  

37:50 – I think Dani suspects that Malcolm killed Endicott. Yep. Definitely. 

38:00 – Gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. This scene with JT and the cops is heart-wrenching. The fact that Dani and Malcolm come to his rescue is beautiful. The fact that JT is clearly terrified but not angry is perfect. I hate that this scene had to be made but I love how it was executed.  

38:31 – Look at Malcolm’s confused, white, rich face here. He genuinely can’t believe that cops just racial profiled one of the only good people who ever accepted a serial’s killer’s son as a friend.  

38:40 – I’m crying. JT’s fear (and Frank Harts’ acting) is so believable and completely haunting. I hear the subtext in this scene, “What if those cops killed JT? What would happen to his pregnant wife and unborn child?”, “How is JT going to financially support his family if he loses his job unfairly?”, “How messed up is it that a literal military veteran is terrified of fellow police officers?”. 

38:44 – “You didn’t do anything wrong.” This line gives me hope. Malcolm isn’t too far gone. Malcolm still knows right from wrong and he still has a heart of gold. 

38:55 – Ok. I LOVE that Gil magically shows up in this scene. BUT HOW DID HE KNOW TO COME TO THE PRECINCT?!?! LIKE WTF? Because Malcolm and JT look surprised to see Gil. Dani just looks relieved – did she call Gil?  

39:10 – Gil is an absolute A+ human being. I love him. I will die for him.

39:33 – OMG. JT’s big watery puppy dog eyes have ripped my heart to shreds. <3 :( 

39:45 – When I first saw this I thought Malcolm was hurt by Gil’s “and whatever Bright is”. But upon re-watching it – Malcolm looks surprised and so so touched. I’ll be honest – I don’t think Malcolm’s mental state would be so bad right now if he had had regular contact with Gil throughout COVID. Gil is Malcolm’s rock. His literal example of what a good man looks like – without him during a traumatic time Martin creeps back into Malcolm’s psyche.  

40:15 – Sooo Martin is still definitely lying to Malcolm.  

40:20 – Stupid little thing – there never used to be a toilet on Jerry’s side of the room. And what happened to all of Martin’s books and stuff? Did Claremont put it in storage? I mean he’s a serial killer? Jessica certainly didn’t store it for him. 

40:37 – Amazing. As soon as Malcolm physically sees Gil he comes to Martin with a renewed faith in his moral code. (“I stop killers. I don’t help them.”) 

41:30 – “Please don’t torture yourself for that.” Martin is right BUT that’s also why I hate him. Martin is manipulating Malcolm right now. He’s trying to convince Malcolm that he genuinely cares and loves his children. Thus destabilizing further Malcolm’s mental state.  

41:36 – Also – both Tom Payne and Michael Sheen are acting their asses off here. *chef’s kiss* 10/10. I love to see it.  

41:45 – Aaaannnnd there’s Martin the asshole. Completely screwing with Malcolm’s mind. Again. What a dick. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.  

42:00 – Look at how scared Malcolm is. I genuinely think Malcolm (whether or not he actually dismembered Endicott, I suspect he didn’t) feels good when he remembers doing it. This is BAD for Malcolm’s mental health. Yikes. : ( Poor baby.  

Ok. So that’s the first episode of season 2. I really liked it. It wasn’t perfect but I’m excited for what this season might bring. Be back next week.  

[incorrectspnforfun]

^^ nah, dw, it didn't ruin the show for me. thanks for your opinion. i just wanted to build on what you said, sorry it's long XD you're right that they did mention other characters, and there was the montage, and who knows, maybe the lack of other characters in 15x20 is just because of covid. the thing for me is that sam living this "normal life" and never mentioning hunting, and dean dying young on a hunt, those are the endings they would have gotten had they stayed on their respective paths 1/

at the beginning of 1x1, so it feels like doing all those things since then and changing their destiny (at least i think they did that? feel free to correct me if i'm wrong) didn't really matter. plus i always thought that dean’s line of "going down swinging, guns blazing" was just something to hide his fear of doing exactly that. dean was planning to retire as a hunter, he had managed to completely distance himself from being "daddy's little soldier", but in the end he still died his dad's case? he got out and then was pulled back in just to die, it's... sad. also, you're absolutely right that the core of the story is about the brothers' relationship. but i think this relationship evolved with time. in the beginning it was just the two of them, and it was "toxic codependency" (i think that's how other characters said it?), but as they grew up and met other people they... didn't exactly grow apart, but they took some distance, at least emotionally speaking, and their relationship became way healthier because of that. maybe i'm just imagining things, but this final episode, with a road trip case a la season 1 and barely mentioning other characters, felt like going back to the beginning (...which was probably the whole point ^^") and almost erasing the fact that they became different people since then. idk if that makes sense? also, the actors were always very vocal about mental health issues, but this final episode showed us traumatized characters ending up either dead or living unhappy, and only being happy once they’re dead. i *do not* like this subtext. i know it's definitely not their fault, they said they didn't like the ending way before we knew what the ending was, but *someone* decided this was a good way to end a story that was, at its core, all about hope. sorry, it was even longer than i planned ^^"

Alright. I just cut all of them together so it was more or less consecutive lol. Let’s try to break all this down! (And no worries about the long response! I’m happy to talk about it, and I’m so glad you’re sharing your thoughts! I really appreciate you taking the time to type all of that out! <3) 

For starters, I’m really glad it didn’t ruin the show for you. I’ve heard a lot of fans saying that it’s their ex-favorite show now and they can never watch it again because they didn’t like the finale, and that makes me really sad, so I’m glad to see someone who still appreciates the show even if the finale wasn’t their fave. :)  

In terms of lack of characters because of COVID, I think that’s definitely true. I know the cast and crew had been saying that they wanted more guest stars in the last two episodes, but they had to take some of them out because of COVID concerns. Overall though, they did say that it didn’t change the core story they wanted to tell too much, so I think the Sam and Dean-centric ending would’ve still been like that, but maybe with a few more character appearances (like Shoshannah Stern, for example. I really believe that the reason Sam’s wife was blurred out was because they couldn’t get Shoshannah Stern back for some reason, but they wanted us to believe it was Eileen). 

When it comes to the boys’ destiny, to me--and, in my opinion, this is exactly what the show was trying to show us--their destiny was always supposed to be one brother kills the other. It was the destiny meant for them at the end of Season 5, and it was the destiny and final ending that Chuck had written for them at the end of Season 15. But, time and time again, the brothers’ love for each other and love for the world kept pushing against that destiny. In the end, by defeating Chuck, and by helping each other up and not backing down, they did write their own destiny and fight against it and, ultimately, give themselves free will. 

Now, in thinking about Dean’s death and the brothers’ codependency (yes, you were right, that’s what the angels and such called it), I see your point about Dean’s words being a mask for his fear, and while I agree that he often did use them in that way, in the end, I think his fear was less about dying on a hunt and more about dying alone, but also about making sure that he isn’t taking Sam down with him. His death scene in 15x20 says that loud and clear. Sam tries to leave to get him help, but all Dean wants is for Sam to stay with him, and then his last request is for Sam to come closer so that he can make sure his little brother is okay. That said, though, I do agree with you that they’ve taken some emotional distance from each other and had a healthier relationship because of it--which is why, despite Dean dying and Sam surviving, Sam let him go and didn’t try to bring him back, because they had achieved that emotional distance. 

All of that in mind, I, personally, feel like the only way this story could end was with Dean dying and Sam living to old age, eventually joining his brother in heaven--so basically, exactly what we got. 

I hear a lot of people saying that Dean deserved to live a normal life and live to old age--he had that job application on his desk, he had a dog, etc.--but while I agree that he deserved that happy life, I feel like it wouldn’t have been happy for him. Dean’s tried the normal life thing before, several times, and it’s never worked for him. He can’t stay away from hunting for too long, because he’ll always be looking over his shoulder, and/or he’ll always be worried about his brother. If Sam would have died, he also never would’ve forgiven himself or gotten over it and wouldn’t have been able to live a normal life. In general, as much as I would love for Dean to live a normal life and have a chance at happiness, it’s never fit his character. Even with the growth he’s experienced in the last several years, the way he’s grown up and the things he’s been through just won’t let him experience an apple pie life. 

Sam, on the other hand, has always had a connection to a normal lifestyle and has always had more of an ability to have that. If you ask me, a lot of that is because of Dean--since Dean grew up so fast, Sam never had to, so he had a chance to go through normal childhood experiences and learn how to live a life outside of hunting. As such, his attempts at a normal life usually were pretty successful, and it follows that any attempts he makes in the future could be successful too. The big thing that stops all of that, though, is Dean. While Sam, in the last several years, has said that he’s okay with his hunting lifestyle and happy doing what he’s doing, it’s less about the actual hunting and more about being with his brother. Sam, in general, is miserable in the hunting lifestyle. It’s not what ultimately makes him happy, but being with his brother does. Because of that, he accepts the lifestyle for everything that comes with it because it means bonding with Dean and seeing him happy. As such, he can’t live a normal life if Dean’s around, because he knows it’s not what Dean wants, deep down, and it would mess with the dynamic they’ve built through all these years of hunting. So, the only way Sam can live a normal life is if Dean dies (kind of like in Season 8. When he thought his brother was dead, he actually did live a normal life for a while, and he probably would’ve continued to do that for the rest of his life if Amelia’s husband hadn’t come back and if Dean hadn’t come back). 

Now, with all of that said, you’re right in that this does connect directly to how the brothers likely would’ve ended up in Season 1. However, what’s different is the strong bond that Sam and Dean have now developed over the years. Yes, if Dean hadn’t gotten Sam at Stanford way back in Season 1, Sam (probably) would’ve lived a white picket fence life, and Dean would’ve died on a hunt. The difference, though, is that both of those things would’ve happened without either brother being aware of what the other was up to and, frankly, probably not necessarily caring as much (in Sam’s case anyways). 

With the Season 15 ending, though, Sam lived his white picket fence life, but his entire life was built in tribute to his brother. He named his son Dean, he kept the Impala, he had pictures of the two of them all around his house, and his son even had an anti-possession tattoo. While Sam was able to live a normal life, he never forgot about his brother, and Dean was--just like he said in his death scene--always in his heart and always remembered, because of all that they had shared for the last fifteen years. 

The same goes for Dean. While Dean did die on a hunt like he normally would’ve, if Dean had died in Season 1, he would’ve gone up to heaven, relived his best memories (which all probably would’ve been with kid!Sam), and that would’ve been it. Instead, in Season 15, we see Dean go to a heaven that’s been re-created into something that he deserves by people who love him and who he loves very much (Jack and Cas) that he (and Sam) were able to influence heavily. And yet, with the entirety of heaven open to him to see anyone he wants (including Cas), what does he do? He goes for a drive and waits for his brother--the brother that he’s bonded with for the last fifteen years. He could see anyone, and in Season 1, if heaven had been like that, he probably would’ve. But instead, he just sits and waits for his brother, because ultimately, that’s who makes him happy. We never would’ve gotten that if it weren’t for the bond that Sam and Dean created with each other in the last fifteen years. 

As for the “traumatized characters ending up either dead or living unhappy, and only being happy once they’re dead” subtext, that’s completely valid, and I can see how that would be upsetting. Personally, I didn’t see it that way at all, mostly because I feel like the characters weren’t necessarily happy after they were dead. Dean was only happy in heaven once Sam was with him, and Sam actually was happy throughout his life with his family, even if he was still mourning his brother, and ultimately, he was able to live a life and continue that happiness in heaven when he reunited with Dean. Cas was happy before he died (hence, why he died) because he finally admitted his love for Dean. While I fully acknowledge that not a lot of them necessarily got the chance to deal with their trauma in a prolonged way, I feel like their individual deaths helped them cope in some way. That’s just my opinion though, and I can definitely understand where you’re coming from. 

Sorry it took me so long to answer this, but I hope that all makes sense! (Also sorry mine was so long too! Lol.) <3 

[scenes-in-between]

Trust No 1 (Part three)

“Who authorizes you? I mean, what gives you the right? Who ARE you?!”

“I’m the future, Agent Scully. And I risked my life being here.”

“Well then why do it? I mean, why meet me?”

“Because you can reach Mulder. Mulder needs to know what I know or he may have no future. Perhaps no one will. Another car is parked on the main road, half a mile out. If I see that you haven’t contacted Mulder in the next 24 hours, I disappear and you never see me again. Do you understand, lady?”

Scully stalks away, seething. All of the theatrics, all of the waste, and for what? A two-minute conversation that raised more questions than it answered? What was the point of any of it?

Scowling, she pulls her phone out of her jacket pocket - because apparently it was absolutely necessary to blow up her clothes and her gun and inspect her watch, but Mr. Mysterious had no qualms about letting her keep her phone? - and punches the speed dial for Monica Reyes. Monica picks up immediately.

“Dana! Thank god. We’ve been trying to reach you all day. Where are you?”

“At the end of a very long and very stupid wild goose chase,” she grumbles. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get in touch earlier. How’s William?”

“He’s just fine. John’s in the kitchen right now heating up a bottle for him.”

“Agent Doggett stayed with you?” she asks, surprised.

“Not the whole day,” Monica says. “After that couple left, he went to the office for a while, but then he came back a few hours ago when we still hadn’t heard from you. Seriously though, where have you been?”

Scully answers with a groan, then gives an abbreviated account of the day’s events as she continues making her way back to the main road. Her foot catches on something in the dark and she stumbles, cursing. Of all the times to be without a flashlight…

When she gets to the part about the car and the remote detonation, Monica says, “Holy hell, Dana! Do you need one of us to come get you?” 

“No, he said there’s another car parked up the road. I’m heading toward it now.”

“But are you sure that’s safe?” Monica presses. “What if it’s rigged to explode, too?”

“Whoa, wait, what’s rigged to explode?” Scully hears Doggett say in the background, and she shudders at the thought that she spent the entire day driving around on top of a bomb. However, the fact that she’s still alive right now is a fairly good indicator that she’ll be able to get home safely.

“If he wanted me dead, he had ample opportunity,” she says. “No, what he wants is for me to contact Mulder, which I can’t very well do if I’ve been blown up. I’ll be fine.”

“You’re sure?”

“I’m sure.”

What she’s not sure of is exactly where she is right now. It became harder and harder to track her relative location after she left the interstate. The very notion of spending who knows how many more hours on the road fills her with a mix of exhaustion and dread, and she’s angry all over again at the phenomenal waste of time today has been.

“Maybe you can help me figure out where I am, though,” she says. “It was too dark to read the street signs, the last couple of turns he told me to make, but I was on Route 17 going north for a while, somewhere between Norfolk and Fredericksburg. It’s not much to go on, but it’s all I’ve got at the moment.”

“I’m on it,” Monica tells her. “Can I use your computer?”

“Of course.”

“Here, you can talk to John while I pull up MapQuest.”

Ahead, Scully can just make out the bulk of a vehicle in the darkness. She reaches to unsnap her holster out of habit and grimaces when her fingers catch nothing but the fabric of her waistband.

In her ear, Doggett barks, “What in the heck’s going on? Where’ve you been all day, and why is Monica talking about things being rigged to explode?”

Scully sighs. “I’m going to let her fill you in on the details because I would just as soon not go through it all again right now. Short answer is that I’m fine, just tired and frustrated. I’ll be on my way home soon, hopefully. I want to thank you, though, for helping to look after William. I really do appreciate it.”

“Well, you’re welcome, but I didn’t do all that much. I’m just glad you’re okay.”

She approaches the car, again wishing she had a flashlight. It’s too dark to see anything through the rear windows, but the front of the car at least appears to be empty. Cautiously, she reaches for the door handle; it’s unlocked, and the interior light comes on when she opens the door. There’s a piece of paper on the driver’s seat.

“Son of a bitch,” she murmurs, picking it up.

“Agent Scully?”

“You can tell Agent Reyes that I don’t need her help after all. I’ve been left a map.”

“A map?” Doggett asks. “So where are you?”

Thirty miles. She is all of thirty miles from Fredericksburg. It is going to take her less than two hours to get home. It could have taken her less than two hours to get here. Of all the stupid, pointless, absolutely and completely asinine...

“Just a bit southeast of Fredericksburg,” she says tightly, glancing at her watch. “I should be home by nine.”

“All right then. Be careful.”

“Yeah.”

***

This isn’t the first time Monica has been asked to watch William, but it is the first time she’s had to try and put him to bed.

And he is not having it.

She’s never seen him like this. She’s never felt him like this; William’s energy is always vibrant -- she’s known that since the night he was born -- but it’s usually contained, like the potential energy in a compressed spring. Tonight, it’s like a storm, howling around him as he wails in her arms.

“I don’t know what’s wrong. Should we call Dana?”

John chuckles at her, evidently unconcerned, because of course he can’t feel what she feels.

“There’s nothing wrong. And there’s nothing she could do even if there was. He’s just tired.”

“No, John, I’m telling you, something is--”

“Here,” he says, holding out his hands. “I’ll show you.”

She passes the squirming baby to her partner and steps back, nerves jangling. John gathers William against his chest and starts to walk around the living room, gently bouncing him while murmuring softly. At first, Monica can’t hear what he’s saying over the sound of William’s cries, but as the boy gradually quiets, John’s words become clearer.

“There you go, easy does it, your mama’s gonna be home soon, don’t you worry, atta boy…”

He’s asleep within minutes, energy storm subsided. Monica shakes her head, a little abashed at having so comprehensively misread the situation. 

“You were right,” she says quietly.

“Eh, nothing I hadn’t seen before, that’s all.” He doesn’t meet her eyes, his gaze still trained on the top of William’s head as he slows the bouncing to a gentle sway. “Luke certainly did his share of fussing.”

She didn’t know him then, of course. She’s only ever known him as a grieving father; this is the first time she’s gotten a glimpse of what he was like as a dad, and it makes her unexpectedly emotional. 

“I’m gonna see if I can go put him down,” he says, and she nods, watching him go before turning to pick up the few scattered toys and take William’s dinner bottle back to the kitchen.

***

By the time she has retrieved her own car from where she left it parked this morning, after stewing on the whole drive home and running through the day’s various cryptic conversations over and over, Scully has come to three conclusions.

Number one: nearly everything that man claimed to know about her, he could have learned by bugging her apartment and going through her garbage bins. What did he really give her that was concrete? Knowing her clothing size seemed eerie at first, until she remembered the receipts she’s thrown away from a handful of recent shopping trips. Her childhood clown phobia? She and her mom were laughing about that in her living room a month or so ago. The rest of it -- resting heart rate, ATM pin, college boyfriend, et cetera -- was only specific enough to seem unnerving without actually proving that he knew any of it.

Her emails to Mulder would require some additional access, but that could be as simple as someone following her to the cafe. It’s probably one of the “regulars” that she -- blithely, it would seem -- dismissed as a potential threat.

Number two: while her apartment has definitely been under surveillance, apparently for quite a while, Mulder’s has not. The “one lonely night” the man mentioned? She’s reasonably certain he was referring to the night she asked Mulder to stay after the IVF failed, and that was not their first time together. If, as he said, the events of that night surprised him, then he could not have known about what they had already been doing at Mulder’s place. Or, for that matter, what they had been doing at her place before that night. So now she also knows approximately when the surveillance actually began.

Number three: if this man genuinely does have useful intel about super soldiers -- and that is an extraordinarily big “if” -- then it may in fact be worthwhile to call Mulder home. The idea terrifies and thrills her in almost equal measure. On the one hand, there is nothing she wants more than to have him home. Nothing. But on the other, if she has miscalculated, and calling him out of hiding only ends up getting him killed, she will never forgive herself.

In the end, it is Agent Doggett’s words from yesterday that settle the issue for her. If we know who these super-soldiers are we can go after them. This is somebody giving us a way that can make it safe for Mulder to come home. 

How else are you going to get him home?

It’s a risk, possibly a big one, but ultimately, it’s one she has to take. He has been gone for almost seven months. This is the first time in those nearly seven months that there has even been a chance he might be able to come home. If she lets this chance go by, how much more time will pass before they get another one?

She walks into her apartment having made up her mind. There is a giddy, fluttery feeling in her stomach that is only temporarily eclipsed by ravenous hunger as she steps through the door and the smell of Thai food envelops her. Reyes and Doggett look up from where they’re sitting, at her kitchen table, takeout cartons amassed between them.

“Hope you don’t mind, we got takeout,” Reyes says, standing. “We didn’t know if you’d have a chance to eat, but if you’re hungry, there’s a bunch left.”

The last thing she ate was a bag of almonds from the gas station, hours and hours ago. To say she’s hungry is a massive understatement.

“Mind? I could kiss you both right now.”

Doggett’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline, and Reyes laughs. “I’ll get you a plate.”

Scully nods. “I’m just going to change and wash up.”

On her way to the bedroom, she grabs a plastic bag from the closet. The likelihood is slim that there will be much in the way of usable trace evidence on the clothes she’s wearing, but it would be irresponsible not to even look. She opens the bedroom door quietly so as not to wake William; by the soft glow of the bedside lamp, she can see him sleeping peacefully in his crib, and she smiles, some of the tension from the day melting away. Though she would love a shower, she's too hungry, so she settles for changing into sweats, carefully folding and bagging the "borrowed" outfit, then washes her hands and face before heading back to the kitchen.

Doggett and Reyes have tidied up their dishes and are in the process of putting on coats and shoes.

"We'll let you get some rest," Reyes says, though she’s looking at Doggett when she does. “Whatever else you might have to tell us about what happened today can wait until tomorrow.”

“Unless,” Doggett adds, in a tone that sounds like he’s continuing an argument from earlier, “there’s anything you think we need to know now. Or if you don’t feel safe staying here alone, knowing that this Shadow Man may well have eyes and ears on you.”

“Is that what we’re calling him?” Scully asks, arching one eyebrow. “Look, I appreciate the offer, but I’ll be fine. As violating as it feels to be surveilled by some NSA creep--” she emphasizes the words, fully assuming that she’s being listened to right now “--I don’t have any reason to believe that William and I are not safe here.”

“Well I still don’t like it,” Doggett says, frowning. “Why don’t you let us post a couple agents out front, just in case?”

“I really don’t think that’s necess--”

“That’s a good idea, actually,” Reyes interjects, then drops her voice to a murmur. “Especially in light of what happened this morning. We know you can take care of yourself, Dana, but we also don’t know exactly what we’re up against, here. Maybe the answer is to try and watch the watchers, find out who they are, see if we can figure out who else the Shadow Man is working with.”

Scully sighs but has to admit that’s a sensible course of action. Either the knowledge that she’s being watched over will deter this so-called Shadow Man and his associates, or it won’t, in which case they could be exposed and identified.

“All right,” she agrees.

“Good,” Doggett says. “I’ll take first watch until I can get someone else over here.”

As soon as they leave, Scully makes herself a plate of food and takes it to her computer desk. If the Shadow Man is able to access her emails even when she sends them from the internet cafe, it seems pointless to wait until morning to write to Mulder. The giddy feeling from earlier comes rushing back as she types.

Mr. Hale,

I am overjoyed to tell you that circumstances appear to have changed. Exercise caution, but put the plan in motion. I cannot wait to see you.

All my love,

Dana

She clicks “send” with her heart in her throat, wondering where Mulder is and when he’ll be able to read her message. How long it might take for him to make the necessary arrangements and begin the journey home. He could be in her arms as early as tomorrow, a notion that seemed impossible just 24 hours ago.

She powers down the computer -- according to their plan, his next communication will come via text message from a burner phone -- and picks up her plate to finish eating in the kitchen. A glance out the window as she stands up reveals Agent Doggett sitting in his truck across the street, cell phone held to his ear. She sighs, regretting the additional work and worry she’s given her former partner but also deeply grateful that he’s got her back, he and Reyes both. She appreciates them more than she can say.

With any luck, all of this will soon be over. Mulder will come home, the Shadow Man will give him the information they need to take down the super-soldiers, and things can go back to… well… “normal” for them, anyway. It’s maybe too much to hope for, but right now, she will allow herself to be comforted by the fantasy, at least for a little while. When she finally crawls into bed, later, she falls asleep with her cell phone on the pillow beside her, imagining the sensation of being wrapped securely in Mulder’s arms.

***

“Holy shit,” he breathes, reading her email for the third time.

The library’s just about to close, and he had checked his email one last time before leaving, more out of impulse than any actual expectation that there would be anything there. The surprise of a new email was immediately eclipsed by the surprise over its contents.

Home. He can go home. He and Gibson both, even. No more hiding in the desert. No more ache of longing binding his stomach and keeping him from sleep. It almost sounds too good to be true, but she called him Mr. Hale, the code phrase they established before he left so he’d be able to tell a genuine summons from a trap. This is the real deal.

Which means the threat is past. Maybe Skinner cut a deal, hell, maybe Kersh did. Who knows? Who cares?! He gets to go home!

The grin on his face is massive as he logs off and heads for the door.

***

“You’re leaving," Gibson says, before Mulder has even closed the front door behind himself. "You promised you wouldn’t. But I guess I shouldn’t have expected you to keep that promise.”

It's still weird, Gibson knowing what he's thinking about before he's even said anything, but it doesn't throw him for a loop the way it used to.

“No, we’re leaving, Gibson. Both of us.”

Gibson scoffs. “You know I’m not going anywhere. It’s not safe. You might be able to outrun them if they catch us, but I--”

“Scully said it’s safe. And yes, I’m sure the message really was from her.”

Gibson stares hard at him and Mulder thinks as forcefully and loudly and clearly as he can.

We can both be free. I swear. I will protect you.

“I believe that you believe that,” Gibson says finally. “But I don’t think either of us knows for sure whether that’s really true.”

“Look, I know you’re scared. And you’re right that there are no guarantees. But for the first time since I left Washington, there is at least a chance that it’s safe for us to get out of here. If we don't take it, I don't know when another one is gonna come along. Do you really want to hide here for the rest of your life?"

"If it doesn't mean dying horribly and having my head karate chopped off by an alien replicant? Yeah. I'm fine with that."

Mulder’s thoughts flicker, involuntarily, to Dr. Parenti’s severed head in a jar, to the gash in Skinner’s forehead, to his own memory of being hurled across Parenti’s lab by Billy Miles.

“Exactly,” says Gibson. “I’m not letting that happen to me.”

“I trust Scully,” Mulder says, thinks. “She wouldn’t call me home if it wasn’t safe. She’s too smart and too cautious to take a risk like that.”

This, at last, seems to convince him, if only somewhat. He may not trust Mulder’s judgment, but he apparently trusts Scully’s, at least enough to finally sigh and say, “Okay. I hope you’re right.”

Despite Gibson’s reluctance, it takes almost no time at all to pack. They don’t have much to take, not bothering with spare clothes. Mulder shoves the stuff he printed about Mount Weather into his backpack, along with a little food, the fake IDs from the Gunmen and all of their remaining cash. They’re out the door and on the road in less than twenty minutes.

On the way to the train station, Mulder stops to gas up the motorcycle and buy four prepaid cell phones from the convenience store. Two hours later, as they’re getting ready to board the train that will take them eastward, Mulder types Scully’s number into the first phone and sends a single-word text message.

“Midnight.”

Once the message sends, he opens the back of the phone, pockets the battery, and tosses the phone in a garbage can.

[retvenkos]

i just read your tags are you anti-snape?

(so i just saw that my tags were cut off halfway through my rant, so if you want me to finish that, just send in an ask and i will write out my whole thoughts)

okay, so anti-snape is a strong word, with a lot of different connotations to it, and while i wouldn’t brand myself as anti-snape because of all of the strong feelings attached, i would say that i don’t think that snape deserves all of the recognition that he deserves.

why?

what i firstly want to say is that snape is emotional abuser. my case in point here is neville, who had parents that were literally tortured to insanity, proving that his worst fear is snape - his teacher. how many times was snape unusually cruel to neville and harry? how many times did he humiliate hermione - an already bullied, muggle-born student (and possible poc)? snape is established to be cruel, and when you look at his actions, it is clear he is emotionally abusive to his students.

why did i start with this? because i relate with neville - i know what it is like to have your worst fear be an abuser that you face every day. so, therefore, i am biased against snape, and a lot of my dislike for him comes from the fact that no matter how you dice it, this man was in a position of power, abusing those students that looked up to him. 

he especially hated harry, who was an abused kid himself (and there is some kind of narrative in there, an abused kid growing up to hate and alienate an abused kid. i’m not going to get into that. but just think about that for a second and tell me you don’t want to at least dislike snape.). 

and perhaps you want to argue that snape couldn’t know that harry was abused over at privet drive. fair, okay. not everything about a kid can be seen on their face, right? but, one could argue that if snape took the time to look at harry and see him as a kid for a second, he could see hints of it. i have family members who are teachers, and they say that they can never be 100% sure, but they can at least have a good idea of who is abused at home, just based off of the way they interact with other people - especially adults. OR, if you don’t like that idea, you can think of it like this: the teachers at hogwarts are probably close to each other, right? mcgonagall knew (at least to some degree) what the dursleys were like - furthermore, she is close with harry and perceptive. she would have known that harry was abused, and if you don’t think that she wouldn’t have at least mentioned it to snape, i would disagree and say you don’t know mcgonagall. also! dumbledore! there is literally so many opportunities for snape to figure out that harry was abused at home. he just didn’t care.

so, snape is an emotionally abusive man in a position of power, picking on literal children as an outlet for his misplaced anger. this is the set-up for snape, and had he never had an in-depth redemption arc, we would literally all dislike snape.

and i feel like, then, the only reason that we have this snape/anti-snape discourse is dependent on whether or not you think his redemption arc is reason enough to excuse his actions.

and so here we talk about his childhood. which is definitely important and gives good insight, but should not be the only reason as to why he is seen as a good character. childhoods are formative and important, but they are not all encompassing. let’s not forget that snape is a grown man when the story starts. he is 31 years old when we are introduced to his character.

snape had a terrible childhood. he was neglected. he was abused (or so it was implied). he was friendless. he was lonely. he was poorly socialized. he was in a hogwarts house that seemed against him, almost, so he had to work to carve his place out and prove his worth. he wanted to stay at hogwarts all year, if he could.

(sound familiar? harry? neville? you two are here?)

but, school is not always great. at school, there are bullies that are terrible to him - it goes beyond teasing sometimes, snape getting hexed and jinxed and publically humiliated. he has one friend - lily, but sometimes he wonders if she really understands or if she really cares. no one has ever cared for him before, so why should she? he falls in love with her, but she does not reciprocate his feelings. instead, she falls for his tormentor - the person who has made his one safe place terrible, the person who treats him like he’s nothing.

now that is a compelling background. when he falls in with the wrong crowd, we can see why. he is desperate for some kind of belonging, some kind of importance. 

(is that... draco?)

he gets more violent as time goes on. those spells he created? levicorpus? sectumsempra? he’s going down a dark path and he wants to cause pain. he becomes a death eater, and while we don’t get a lot of detail what happens here, he rises in the ranks, which means he had to have done terrible things. at this point, he is clearly a bad person. and maybe he feels remorse during this time, but it’s clearly not enough to push his conscience out of where it is. he is still on voldemort's side.

what changes him? the power of love, of course. because even in this terrible time, he still loves lily - right? but is it love? or is it more like obsession? jk would tell us it’s love, but i would disagree. 

at the beginning, yes. snape loved lily. but after so much has transpired? things changed. snape is no longer as pure as he once was. he changed. any maybe he didn’t notice it, sure. but wasn’t he different, after everything?

if he loved lily, he would have cared about (even minorly) the things she cared for. yes, he could still hate james with a burning passion, yes he could let that ruin his and lily’s relationship,,, but could he become the very thing she feared and abhorred? could he become a death eater, literally killing people she loved? people just like her? could he have gone to her house, stepped over her dead husband, ignored her crying child to mourn her dead body?

this feels more like obsession. if you love someone, you care about them - their wellbeing, their peace of mind. love means you need to have an awareness for who your loved one loves, and you can accept them for the fact that they love someone else. snape shows he doesn’t. he only cares for her.

here we are, now, at this point is snape's story, and the natural progression in his redemption arc is for him to actively try to amend his terrible actions.

and... he does? kind of?

he becomes a double agent which is perfect. he vows to protect harry, which he does, physically... but he has a clear disregard for protecting harry emotionally, which one could argue is most important in harry’s story.

to defeat voldemort, harry has to come to terms with the idea that love is his strongest weapon against the dark lord, right? so snape being horrible to harry is not only bad because emotional abuse is real, but it’s also part of why harry is so angry and bitter in the sixth book, the exact opposite of what he needs to be if he wants to defeat voldemort.

also, snape preaches “control your emotions” but snape... is emotionally unstable and takes out all of his anger on children half his age? idk. that just bothers me.

so i feel like snape kind of half-asses his way through his redemption arc. he has chosen a different side, yes, but he doesn’t make a lot of intrinsic changes. he’s still angry. he’s still bitter. he’s still emotionally manipulative and abusive. 

so really, the question is: is a redemption arc dependent on a change of heart? or is a change of action good enough?

if you haven’t already picked up on how i feel about this issue, i don’t think a change of action is enough.

redemption is the act of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil (thanks, google). it’s absolution for your crimes. i feel like redemption is an intrinsic transformation, and jk preaches that love can do such an act. i’ve already covered that i don’t think snape loved lily, at the point of his big character changing moment. he was obsessed. it was more a change of action, than of heart.

BUT, that doesn’t mean that i don’t think he couldn’t have been redeemed. toward the close of his story, i kind of saw him as going through another arc as a character - i saw him start to care for harry more as harry rather than the child of the woman i’m obsessed with. i think, here,  he’s starting to show that love that jk insists he has. 

i think that if he had more time, he could have had a more full, more satisfying redemption arc. and that’s the tragedy of his character, right? we could always sort of trust him, but we could never fully trust him until the end. he was never really quite redeemed, it was cut short.

so, basically, i grapple with the fact that jk is adamant that snape is the good guy, he’s the redeemable character, when... he’s kind of only halfway there. AND, this is coupled with the fact that i believe draco was halfway there to a complete redemption arc, and jk is equally as adamant against draco getting a redemption arc.

jk has said that she thinks that the people who want draco to be redeemed are just girls obsessed with the bad boy having a heart of gold (which is fair, to some extent), but... isn’t she the exact same with snape? isn’t she equally obsessed that her readers know snape as being the emotionally scarred, bad boy with a heart of gold? food for thought.

also, where i draw a clear distinction between the crimes of draco and the crimes of snape is that draco is a teenager alongside the teenagers he bullies and emotionally abuses (draco, too, is an abuser! if you want an analysis on him, hmu.) draco is a 15 year old abusing other 15 year olds. this is terrible, and it can’t be excused. i agree. BUT, snape is a 31 year old man abusing 11 year olds. he is also their teacher. there is a clear power imbalance coupled with the fact that snape is an adult, who is supposed to be wiser and smarter.

so... long post, forgive me. i could go off about the crimes of jk rowling's depiction of slytherins forever and never be fully satisfied. i’m sure that in a weeks time i will have more i want to add onto this post. but for now, these are my thoughts on snape’s redemption arc, and my answer to whether or not i am anti-snape.

i am sure that after reading this, there are some of you who will think that i am anti-snape. that’s fine. you can have your own opinion, but if you are going to say that, know why.

no opinion is good if you can’t explain why.

[saharamae21]

Vapor (Part 10)

Hey guys! I hope can tell by the last chapter that you needed more content. Here is part 10! Tell me what you think!

Word Count: 2.4K

Warnings: Mention of abduction, unconsensual touching, muder, and suicidal thoughts.

______________________________________________

I didn’t know what to think after that night. The dreams continued, but so did the thoughts of JJ. I couldn’t figure either out. I woke up screaming, I went to bed crying. Everything was a huge mess and I couldn’t seem to get a grip on any of it.

I laid in bed, not wanting to move. However, I promised Kie ages ago that we would get ready for Midsummers together. I promised her I would go and smile like everyone else because that’s what we both had to do. We had to stand there and look pretty for photos. I got up, grabbed everything I needed, and headed over.

Midsummers was a tradition for Kiara and I. Every year we would sit on her bed and gossip about who was going with who and what drama was going to happen. We would laugh because neither of us really cared, but it was fun to talk about. I had a feeling this year would be different though. I knew it would be awkward to be around the people who didn’t want to be my friend. It would be awkward to see Kiara after leaving like that. I knew she would bring up JJ and I wasn’t prepared for it. I walked up to her front door and rang the doorbell. Mrs. Carerra greeted me with a hug and told me Kiara was in her room. I walked up and knocked. She seemed surprised to see me, but not disappointed.

“Hey…” she said. I gave her a smile and asked if I could come in. She nodded and made room for me on her bed. It was tense at first. Neither of us knew what to say.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I-” “A, shut up,” she said with a smile. That smile meant she understood. She knew perfectly well why I couldn’t be around them. She knew that I was going through a tough time. “So, how was White Chapel…?”

“It was… eventful,” I said. I listened to her say that she heard that they found loads of bodies there. I nodded and never looked up from my hands. She could tell I was uncomfortable by the subject, but she kept pressing. She wanted me to open up to her, I just didn’t know if I could. I thought about Topper and how JJ freaked out. I thought about JJ and the fight and the… kiss.

“Adelaide?” she asked and my head snapped to look at her. I apologized for zoning out and she dropped the subject. I listened to her tell me about the situation that happened earlier today. I listened as she told me what JJ and Pope had done. She told me that JJ was arrested and my heart sank. I knew what his dad would do to him. I knew how much pain he was going to go through. I wanted to get up and run out that door, but I couldn’t. He didn’t want to see me. He didn’t need me.

“Please, be okay,” I accidentally mumbled aloud. Kie looked at me and asked if I said something. I shook my head no and then we got ready.

Kiara looked beautiful in her long silky purple dress. I could tell she hated it, but I thought she looked stunning. I had brought along a blush pink dress. It was flowy and loose. I slipped on my flower crown and looked at the both of us in the mirror. I looked like nobody next to Kie. The dress hugged her body and no one would be able to look away from her. Me, on the other hand, looked basic. I would blend in and that’s the way I wanted it.

I said my goodbyes to the Carerra’s and told Kie that I would see her there. My family would kill me if I didn’t attend the event from start to finish with them. I walked up the steps of my house and into the living room. My sister wore light blue and my mom wore yellow. We looked like Easter had just thrown up on us. I bit my tongue to suppress any of my thoughts from slipping out of my mouth as my dad told us he was getting the car.

Midsummers was extra as always. The lights and the decorations were over the top for some event to honor someone who did barely anything this whole year. We should be honoring the Pogues for their hard work. I rolled my eyes at the venue as we walked up. Mom turned to Sydney and I and told us to be on our best behaviors. I nodded, knowing better than to argue with her. Then as soon as we were inside, Sarah caught my eye. I awkwardly walked up to her, hoping things would be better. She asked me what I wanted though. She gave me the cold shoulder and told me I should go bother someone else.

“Or maybe you could kiss Topper again,” she said snidely as she walked away. I felt defeated. I felt a hand rest on my shoulder and looked to see Top. He looked handsome in his off white suit. It fit him perfectly and the blue tie accented the outfit so well. He smiled at me in a reassuring way.

“Don’t mind her,” he said. “She’ll get over it soon enough.”

I nodded and went to find Kiara. However, instead of Kiara, I found JJ. His lip was split and his face was painted black and blue. I stood right in front of him staring. I opened my mouth to say something, but he walked away, leaving me there. He didn’t want to see me. He didn’t want to hear what I had to say. He didn’t want anything to do with me. I sighed and kept near the exits. I sipped on my Mai Tai and tried to ignore the fact that I felt lonely. I watched Kie and Pope talk. I saw JJ dance up to Sarah Cameron of all people. I watched my parents talk to their friends and here I was, alone. Just as I wished someone would come up and talk to me, I regretted it. A familiar baby blue suit walked up and stood directly in front of me. “Hey Adelaide,” he said. He motioned for his boys club to disperse for a moment. “I heard something interesting from my dad the other day.” I remembered Ward leaving our house. I remembered how odd I had found it. There was no way my dad told him why I was in White Chapel. There’s no way my dad would mention my abduction. I panicked as I said I didn’t know what he was talking about. I tried to excuse myself, but he caught my wrist.

“Really? I think you know exactly what I’m talking about,” he whispered in my ear. “I’m talking about how that man took you from a public area, threw you in his trunk, and drove away without anyone noticing.” I flinched as he kept talking. I started to shake as he tightened his grip on my wrist.

“I bet he did all sorts of things to you, didn’t he?” he whispered. My breath hitched. “I bet he tied you up. I bet he told you that you were so pretty. Did he linger a little too long? Smell your hair? Call you pet names?” “Knock it off,” I said shakily. I tried to rip my arm out of his grip, but he wouldn’t budge. I could feel his fingers digging into my skin, creating bruises in the shape of his hand.

“Let’s talk somewhere else,” he said. “Unless you want everyone here to know what happened to you.” Fear consumed me as the thought of everyone finding out raced through my head. I wanted to be a normal kid. I didn’t want to be pitied or looked at differently. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. He told me Kelse would show me the spot, as he had business to take care of. I stood with Kelse who was unaware of the conversation Rafe and I had just had. Kelse and I have never had an issue. He was always nice to me, but when Rafe showed up his personality always did a 180. He walked me to the lobby and told me I looked nice. I thanked him in the least shaky way I could. Then JJ bolted through the lobby, Rafe shortly behind him. I knew what was going to happen as Kelse grabbed my arm and we followed. I didn’t want to. I wanted to run in the opposite direction, but if they were going to hurt JJ, I needed to stop it. I was shoved into the men’s locker room and Kelse let go of me. He changed his focus to JJ and stopped him from getting away. I felt Rafe grab me. He knew the only way to get to JJ right now was through me. I shoved Rafe away from me, but it triggered an anger in him that I’ve never seen. He grabbed me by the throat and I heard JJ yell at him to leave me alone. “Get your hands off her!” he yelled. “You’re fucking dead Rafe!”

“C’mon, she probably likes it,” he said as I grabbed his wrist, trying to get him off of me. “It probably reminds her of childhood. Did that man choke you? Did he touch you here?” I felt his hand brush up against my breast. Tears filled my eyes as he talked. I listened to JJ yell at Rafe and the other boys. I had to find some way to get him off of me, but I could talk. His hand was tight on my neck and I found it hard to breathe. I gathered up all the spit in my mouth and shot it right at his face. He let go of me to wipe it off, anger raging through him. He raised his hand high and slammed it against my cheek. A loud slap echoed through the room, sending JJ into an anger I’ve never seen before, even from him. I fell to the ground hard as a security guard walked in. Kelse moved to hide me from the guards view and then JJ was escorted out. Kelse tried to help me up, but I pushed him away. Tears were streaming down my face as I went running to my parents.

“I-I-” I tried to get the words out as my mom looked at me concerned. She asked me what happened, but I just shook my head. I wanted to tell her, but no words came out. She asked me if it was JJ and I shook my head again. Finally, I spoke. My words came out quite and squeaky. “R-Rafe. I need to go home.”

“Matthew, go get the car!” mom said to dad who went running to grab it. I walked out to the front of the building and hugged myself. I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face. I got into the car and my dad drove me home, leaving my mom and Syd there. He asked me if I would be alright at home by myself and I nodded. I wanted to be alone right now. He dropped me off, telling me he loved me. I told him I loved him too and that I would see them when they got back.

The empty house echoed as I closed the door. I sank to the floor and cried as I thought about what had just happened. I thought about how that man did tie me up. He lingered too long and told me I was beautiful. He would smell my hair and kiss my forehead. I felt gross. I hopped in the shower and scrubbed my skin. Trying to get the feeling of Rafe off of my body, trying to get the memories out of my head. I threw on some sweats after I got out and went to the backyard. I sat on our dock and held my knees to my chest. The wind was blowing and the water ripped beside me. I stared at the black water and noticed how inviting it looked. I thought about how if I went out far enough, no one would find me for days. I would get tangled in the weeds and then I would just be gone. I shook the dark thoughts from my head. I knew I couldn’t do that to my parents.

“Adelaide?” I heard a voice calling. I could tell who it was by his voice. I felt tears fill my eyes as I turned to see JJ at the edge of the dock. He looked like he didn’t know if he should approach me or not. I stood at the end of the dock and he stood at the beginning. We were so close, yet I’ve never felt further from him.

“What are you doing here?” I asked. A tear fell from my eye and streamed down my face.

“I just wanted to see if you were okay…” he mumbled out. I walked closer, my anger rising with every step.

“You don’t get to do this! You don’t get to leave for two years and come back like nothing is wrong. You don’t get to yell at me for being scared of getting close to you again! And you for sure don’t get to kiss me and then walk away!” I yelled. He looked at me sadly. “I hate you!”

I didn’t. I cried as I yelled it, breaking down. I felt his arms hug me. I was so angry at him and yet I still loved him so much. I stomped on his foot, causing him to hunch over in pain. Then when he was at my level, I grabbed onto his shirt and kissed him. His hands found their way to my cheeks and deepened the kiss. It was passionate and electrifying and I needed him. Our lips moved hungrily together as the wind whipped around us.

Finally, we pulled away, gasping for air. He chuckled and looked down at me. He had the goofiest grin on his face.

“That really hurt,” he said, shaking his foot. I laughed for the first time in days and hit his chest.

“You deserved it!” I said, laughing uncontrollably. He was smiing down at me, the happiest I’ve seen him in a while. One kiss with him had made me forget about all the things that happened tonight. It made me forget about White Chapel and Rafe, Sarah Cameron and Topper. Nothing mattered, but him and I and this moment.

“You’re right, I deserved it.”

___________________________________________

Tag List: @jjmaybangme @thebendslikebendover @justcallmesams @jellyfishbeansontoast @prejudic3 @jjtheangel @jiaraendgame @obxmxybxnk @waywardbarbie @talksoprettyjjx @bb-tings @agirlwholovescoffee-blog @thoughtsofthestars @outerbankslut @potterheadhollander @baby-pogue @obxlife @queenofthebees003 @rockyyc77 @beth-winchester21 @outerbongs @sunwardsss @ilovejjmaybank @kaelyn-lobrutto24 @jjmaybankwildtimes

[kaistarus]

What It Takes To Survive--Hunger Games AU

Pairing: Bakugou Katsuki x Reader

Words: 5.7K

Notes: This was a request from @deneuves​ and it took a while to complete(forgive me, but it got out of hand lol) Not all the references are accurate I’m sure, but I did my best. Please enjoy :3

Summary: Bakugou had been training his entire life to become a tribute while you stayed on the sidelines wanting nothing to do with it. What are you supposed to do when there’s a fluke and you’re sent into the arena with no training? And with the boy who you’d finally started working out your feelings with?

You watched his lips form your name with desperation in his eyes, but all you could hear was a faint buzz. You wanted to reach for him except a weight immobilized both your arms and you couldn’t move. Any senses that remained were too slow for you to use properly and you felt helpless as you watched Bakugou’s eyes become watery.

You wanted to reassure him, lie that things would be okay, but you struggled to even form words. He was screaming now. You could tell by the ugly crease he always got between his brows. You were growing dizzier by the second and just wishing you could grab his hand one last time.

This wasn’t fair. You kept repeating it to yourself as Bakugou sneered at the people who were watching you suffer for their amusement.

This wasn’t how your story was supposed to end.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

          It was your least favorite part of the day: gym training. You were off in the farthest corner with Midoriya practicing how to throw knives while he sat on the ground beside you taking notes. Although you tried your hardest, focusing intensely on the body’s center, only two of the ten knives hit their target.

          You let out a frustrated growl and stomped over to the practice dummy.

          “Don’t get upset,” Midoriya said without looking up. “It’s not like we’ll be picked to compete anyway.”

          You raised a brow after collecting the fallen knives. “You used to be so eager to get that number one spot. Where’d that fire go?”

          He lowered his notebook and gave you a dead stare. “I grew up and realized I didn’t want to die just for our district’s monetary benefit.”

          “Wish other people could realize the same thing.”

          He tilted his head before a buzzer rang throughout the gymnasium signaling the end of another sparring match. You both watched Bakugou Katsuki hop off the center mat leaving a classmate flat on his back and out of breath. Bakugou, however, looked unphased and was smirking wildly with confidence. You frowned. It hurt to see that your childhood friend turned into the District 2 show dog.

          A group of girls nearby start to whisper and point towards the center ring. You look back at Bakugou who was now taking a long swig of water and the girls started to giggle while shoving each other lightly. A sneer formed on your face. You turn back towards the target and throw a knife.

          A perfect headshot.

          “Hey! Turns out jealousy is your motivator.” Midoriya nodded his head before scribbling something down. “Who knew…”

          “Wha—” You looked between him and the practice dummy. “I wasn’t—what do you—jealous? About what?”

          Midoriya rolled his eyes. “It’s been ten years. Don’t even pretend like you don’t—”

          “Deku!” You both turned at the rough voice. Bakugou was looking over with his cocky smirk which was never a good sign. “Get over here so I can kick your ass.”

          Midoriya pouted, mumbling curses as he placed his notebook beside him. You just sighed and placed a hand on his shoulder. Bakugou always got too conceded when he was on a winning streak, and the teachers never bothered telling him what to do anymore. You were getting sick of it.

          “Fight someone else Bakugou.” You scowled.

          Bakugou raised a brow, smirking. “Yeah? Who ya thinking?”

          “It’s not a big deal. He never goes all out.” Deku looked at you wearily, but you shook your head. Bakugou taking it easy wasn’t the issue. The point was him always getting whatever he wanted just because he could.

          “You gonna fight him?” One of the girls beside you suggested. You looked back at Bakugou and his expression fell for a moment. A round of people shouting in agreeance rang before Bakugou scoffed.

          “Like I’d bother.” He sneered, turning around and walking out the gym. Your face was red as several people laughed. You clenched your fists to help bite back the burning sensation in your eyes.

          “He doesn’t mean it.” Deku frowned, picking his notebook back up. You shook your head at him.

          “Why do you always defend him?”

          Deku mulled over your question carefully, so long you assumed he was ignoring you. “Kacchan has a reason for what he does.”

          No matter how much you wanted to you could never hate Bakugou Katsuki. He was violent, arrogant, and downright disrespectful; but every time he looked at you, you couldn’t fight the truth. You couldn’t erase the years of memories you two had created. Days spent racing through town with Midoriya while you annoyed shop owners for sweets or running through backyards pretending to be tributes branding twigs before understanding what the games truly were. Years of laughter and friendship that were too poignant for you to wipe clean as easily as he had.

          You tilted your head back to where the explosive boy had marched out; just wishing you could understand him for once in your life.

*~*~*~*~*~*

          When he suddenly stopped meeting with you and Midoriya and started focusing on entering the arena you did your best to leave him in the past. When he decided that it was better to play with real swords than brandish sticks and rocks or prank the neighborhood bakers you wanted to push him away. He changed from the person you had admired into something you hated, but you were never able to shake those brave smiles and wild laughter from the younger version of the asshole he’d become.

          You were currently wandering the school’s halls, having forgotten a textbook, when you heard sounds coming from the gymnasium. The room should have been locked at this hour, so you crept towards it. Bakugou was inside, slashing a practice dummy apart with a machete. You watched with an aching heart at the fierce look in his eyes as he zoned out on the target, mindless in his actions. Was there even a shred of the old him in there or had it all been destroyed?

          “The fuck are you looking at?”

          Your eyes shot wide and you straightened up. You hadn’t even realized you spaced out and you couldn’t think of any excuse because the truth was you were watching him like a creep, and there would be no recovery. You cursed internally as he stared at you expectantly for the answer you didn’t have.

          “I don’t understand.” You went for, which was wrong, and you regretted immediately.

           “I already know you’re an idiot, but why are you being an idiot in my gymnasium?” He raised an eyebrow. You narrowed your eyes. His gymnasium? That statement made your heart drop to your stomach.

          “You’re smart, Bakugou. You’ve always been smart. Why are you putting so much effort into this?” You gestured around the gym. “You must know what it really stands for.”

          He took a deep breath. “I don’t have a lot of options.”

          “Killing people is really the best option you can—”

          “Yes.” He looked you dead in the eye and the intensity made you take a step back. “I’ve been raised to do this since I was four (Y/N). You have opportunities, but all I have is this.”

          “You could find something. You’re obviously talented I’m sure—”

          “Fuck!” He ran his hands through his hair. “I can’t… The second I started showing promise that’s it. Whether I fucking want to or not I’m going in that arena. You and Deku were always too weak you never had to worry about it. These fuckers went straight to my parents (Y/N) I never had a choice.”

          Your mouth hung half-open in shock. That must have been what Midoriya meant when he said that Bakugou had his own reasons, but you never could have imagined…

          “I’m sorry. I didn’t know…”

          “Yeah. No fucking shit,” he rubbed his palms against his eyes then looked at you confused before wiping your cheeks. You hadn’t even realized you were crying. “Don’t fucking do that. You weren’t supposed to care anymore.”

          “I wasn’t… what?”

          He took a deep breath. “I stopped talking to you and Deku when I figured it out. It was supposed to make things easier.”

          You felt your heart stop at the confession and you shoved him backward. “You can’t just walk out of people’s lives! That’s not your decision to make.”

          “I was going to come back.” He said. “Just… after I made sure I won.”

          You thought about how intensely he had always trained and how suddenly that change had happened. You had always assumed it was because of his need for attention, but it was because he wanted to live. Even now he was spending nights in the training room rather than at home. You brought your gaze to your feet, unable to face him.

          “I hate you…” You mumbled, half-assed and insincere. It was for walking out your life, for one day entering that arena, and for the fact that you didn’t hate him at all. You never had and you never would.

          You clung tightly to your new dress as you walked home. Although you would not be picked tomorrow it was still important that you looked presentable for the cameras—your district had a representation to uphold. Your mother had spent good money on the shimmering blue piece in your arms, and normally you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing it, but you couldn’t let her money go to waste.

          “That was the plan.” He scoffed.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

          It had already been six months since you spoke to Bakugou in the gymnasium and already so much has changed. Tomorrow he would be leaving and although you wanted to believe that he would return home, you still couldn’t hold back the pain that overcame you when you imagined watching him on the television. No matter what happened out there the Bakugou you knew wouldn’t be coming back.

          The lights were on in his home as you walked past, and you debated stopping by to say something. He probably had plenty of people over tonight, so there was no reason for you to bother him. He wouldn’t want to see you anyway after you insulted his very being all those nights ago. If he had he wouldn’t have gone right back to ignoring you as if nothing had ever happened.

          As those thoughts filtered through, you were pulled roughly by the arm and dragged off the main road towards back alleys. Panic flooded your system; your district was filled with dangerous people who were skilled with multitudes of weaponry and martial arts. You were as good as dead. You went to swing at your attacker but stopped short when you saw messy ash-blonde hair.

          “Bakugou?”

          “Quiet.” He kept looking around frantically while you both ran, and you became panicked for a separate reason. What were you running from? He eventually stopped in the middle of an alleyway after reassuring himself you were completely alone.

          “Are you… okay?” You took in his disheveled look. His hair was sticking in every direction and he had large bags under his eyes. He looked awful. His eyes snapped to your face and he scanned it slowly.

          “I’m leaving tomorrow.”

          You blinked several times. “I know.”

          “I… I’m going to have to kill people.” He looked down at his shaking hands. You reached for one and held it within your small grasp, rubbing it soothingly with your thumb.

          “I know.” You whispered.

          “I don’t…” He frowned frustratedly. “I didn’t…” He took a shaky breath and leaned his forehead on your shoulder which made you tense. When his body started to shake lightly you relaxed and started running a hand through his coarse locks. You knew he wasn’t talking for you, but for himself. So, you stayed like this until he was able to stand again. His eyes glistened from unshed tears, but you wouldn’t acknowledge them.

           Instead, you smiled and wiped the stray streams left by the ones that had managed to leak down his face, and he furrowed his brows. He watched you move with calculating eyes and suddenly as if a great realization had struck him, his eyes widened. Before you had the chance to question him, he was leaning down to press his lips against yours and you were jumping back in surprise, smacking your head against the wall behind you.

          “Fuck,” he reached toward your head but pulled his hand back to run through his hair stressfully. “I’m sorry. I just—I couldn’t not… I don’t know if I— I’m sorry. Fuck.”

          You didn’t know what to say. So much was happening so fast, and you were already having a hard time processing your own feelings let alone adding his into the mix. But… In front of you was a broken boy. Someone scared to death that they might not have a future and they were looking at you like you were the answer to their pain.

          And you couldn’t turn him away. Not now.

          So, you grabbed the sides of his face and pulled him down for a proper kiss. It was sloppy, bad, and extremely obvious that you both lacked experience; but it was raw and real, and you don’t think you’ll ever experience this kind of passion where your heart wants to explode again in your life. He tightened his arms around you, and you didn’t attempt to fight back the tears that streamed down your cheeks. You weren’t even sure if you had true feelings for this boy yet, or if this was nothing more than a desperate send-off. But you did know that nothing had ever felt safer than this moment in his arms, and nothing had been colder than the moment he pulled away from your lips.

          “I’m going to win,” he whispered. This time he spoke it like a promise, to who you didn’t know or care. It didn’t matter.

          You were standing amongst the familiar faces of girls you’d known since birth. Everyone was quiet today and the air was heavy as they waited for names to be drawn, even those who wished they were in Bakugou’s position were solemn. Your eyes remained on his broad shoulders as he kept up his usual bravado for the cameras; the girl beside him, however, looked as though she was going to vomit.

          “I know,” you replied, kissing him for the third but not final time that evening. When you finally managed to drag yourself home it was way past your curfew, and you found yourself sneaking in through your bedroom window. In the morning you did your best to avoid the knowing glances from your parents.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

          Eventually, the woman from the capital walked upon the stage and called out one of the boys’ name, Bakugou volunteered the moment they asked, and your heart rate spiked since it was closer to when he would be gone, possibly forever. It hurt. You didn’t even notice your own name being called until the girl beside you nudged you forward. You walked mindlessly, catching a panicked look from Bakugou who let his false confidence slip. You stepped onto the stage and gave a reassuring smile to your family and Midoriya because this was only until the real contender came forward, you were only a placeholder.

          “Do we have any volunteers?”

          Your smile started to slip at the ever-growing silence and the girl in front of you had her hands gripping her hair, breathing heavily. The cameras were on her, but nothing came from her mouth. You slowly processed what was happening and turned to Bakugou who appeared devoid of all emotion.

          “Well, no female volunteers from district 2.” The woman smirked at you. “There’s a first time for everything, I suppose.”

          Shouts of protest arose as hands shot into the air, but the woman waved them away. There was a time and place and the audience hadn’t been punctual, so their volunteering wouldn’t be counted. It would be you going into the arena.

          It was obvious to the country that you weren’t properly trained to compete. Your only advantage was being raised in district 2, but that still only had you scoring in the middle of the group. You were a below-average fighter by district 2 standards which put you at a greater disadvantage since that made you extremely unlikable in the capital’s eyes. If you were lucky, they would want to keep you around for curiosity’s sake, but more than likely they would want to be rid of you immediately.

          You bit your tongue till a metallic taste flooded your mouth in hopes the cameras wouldn’t notice your need to cry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

          If it wasn’t for Bakugou receiving the highest score and acting like a complete alpha male around the other tributes, you probably would be even worse off. Although he hadn’t spoken to you since you had stepped foot on the bullet train, he was still sticking close to your side anytime someone went near you. The entire capital was eating up his personality and you felt miserable at each event you partook in. If he wasn’t wasting his energy on you Bakugou really could have a chance at winning this year.

          You knew it was selfish of you to reach out to him when he’d made it clear that he didn’t want anything to do with you anymore. Logically, you understood this was best for both of you, but tonight was possibly the last night you would ever have; you couldn’t spend it staring out the window of a foreign room that reeked of inhumane isolation. So, selfishly you stood outside his room with your fist raised trying to gather the courage to knock.

          You took a breath, readying yourself for possible rejection when the door slid open and Bakugou stood before you silhouetted by a radiant, artificial moonlight. Your eyes went wide, and your face flushed as you started to stutter.

          “Wha—what are you doing up?” You asked lamely.

          “Pee.” He started looking you up and down before glancing down the hallway. “Why are you outside my door?”

          You racked your brain for a not weird answer to why you had been standing there for going on fifteen minutes, but you had nothing. “You’ve been ignoring me…”

          The words sounded so much worse when you said them aloud. You didn’t know how else to phrase it in the middle of the night when you were running on little sleep and high anxiety.

          He checked the hall one more time before pulling you into his room. You felt your face turn a deep shade of red. Now really wasn’t the time to be freaking out about being in a boy’s bedroom.

          “They have ears everywhere,” he whispered. “We can’t just… I can’t let them use you against me.”

          You stared dumbfounded as he frustratingly sneered at his feet. You hadn’t even thought about them listening to your conversations before the games, but it made complete sense that they would look for information to manipulate the players. He really had thought of everything when preparing himself all these years. You nodded your head and glanced back to the door, taking a deep breath.

          “This sucks.”

          He snorted, hesitating before grabbing your hand. “Understatement of the fucking century.”

          You looked at your interlocked fingers and let yourself relish in the warmth, rolling around the thought that this may be the last time you get to do this. You were surprised at the level of affection he displayed when he gently placed his forehead against yours.

          “I’m not going to let you die, okay?” He whispered. You furrowed your brows and struggled to grasp at words before he was pulling away and ruffling his messy hair. “You should rest. We have a fucked day tomorrow.”

          You nodded slowly, allowing him to guide you out by the small of your back. You said goodnight to each other quietly and once you crawled back into your too-large bed you felt your heart begin to twist as the implications of his words hit you.

          One of you was going to die in the next few days, but it wasn’t going to be him. You weren’t the one who had prepared for this day and you weren’t going to let him waste his life trying to protect you. He had a chance and you didn’t.

          Bakugou held your arm gently, rubbing some sort of capital healing salve on the cut you’d just received on your bicep. You were both covered in grime, a layer of sweat coating your bodies and slicking your hair into wild styles. Splotches of blood were smeared across his face and you’d been too exhausted to think about who it belonged to anymore. It didn’t matter.

          Bakugou could think whatever he wanted, but he wasn’t going to die for you. Not if you could help it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

          He dug through his knapsack and pulled out a roll of bandages to tie around your wound, fastening it till you winced. You took in the deep circles under his eyes, the gauze wrapped around his leg, and bruises along his jaw. You grabbed his wrist as he reached for more supplies—his supplies. He’d been wasting everything on you since you’d arrived there.

          “Bakugou… we can’t keep—”

          “Don’t.” He stood, tossing everything back into the bag. He handed you the small daggers that’d just been used to slice your arm and some dried meat. “These are yours now. Bitch barely had anything on her.”

          You shivered at the mention of the girl from district 1. The crazy look in her eyes as she came at you full sprint with a bloodthirsty grin. You were as good as dead if it wasn’t for Bakugou…

          A cannon went off. In the sky, a boy’s dangerous smirk flashed briefly. Bakugou let out a relieved breath—it was someone he’d tussled with early in the games who’d inflicted the only serious injury he had. You also felt relief that the strongest competitor he faced was out of the arena, simultaneously it made your stomach churn that you were both getting elated over other’s dying. What had this place done to you?

          “There’s only a few left now…” You pointed out while rotating your fists with the knives in your grasp, trying to mimic how the girl had moved with such ease.

          “Yeah,” a smile spread across Bakugou’s face. “There’s only two more and then it’s just—”

          “Just us?” You raised a brow. Bakugou looked at you for a moment before sneering and turning away. He finished packing things up and tossed the bag on his back. “Bakugou we need to split up before we have to—”

          “I can’t have you wandering around here yourself. You’ll humiliate our district.” He growled. You took a deep breath because that’s the same excuse he’s been using since you entered the arena. “I’ll figure it out…”

          “There’s nothing to figure out Bakugou.” You rolled your eyes. “One of us has to die and—”

          “Shut up!” He shouted aggressively and you just sighed dejectedly. He ran a hand roughly through his hair and looked you in the eyes. “We’re going to the lake. We need more water.”

          You looked after him crestfallen as he stomped ahead of you. You wished you could wrap your arms around him and console him, but there was nothing you could say for comfort. There was nothing to make this situation better. You wanted to walk in the opposite direction, but you didn’t have the strength to leave—mentally or physically. You were too scared and too selfish.

          You had been preparing yourself for this moment since that girl was too scared to take the place as the true tribute from your district. You knew you were going to die, whether at your own hand or by someone in the arena, you knew it had to be you. However, mental preparations didn’t make facing a reality like this any easier.

          You hoped these few moments together—this short time—would be worth it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

          You could tell the moment you started dying. There was never a second you questioned it. The pain you had created in your upper abdomen from the knives Bakugou had given you slowly faded as all sensations lifted from your body. Your limbs grew heavier by the second, and your mind was becoming muddled as you had to consciously fight to get the thoughts you needed.

          The boy hovering above you, who you connected to be Bakugou, was pressing down on your stomach. He looked so beautiful. Was it weird to think he looked beautiful with mud and dirt smeared across his cheeks, his hair slick with days of grease and skin covered in blood that wasn’t his own? You wished he’d stop crying though.

          Why was the cute boy crying?

          Your mind continued to grow foggy and your vision started to weaken. Suddenly there were two Bakugou’s blurred and you felt like giggling, but couldn’t manage, coughing instead. Crimson liquid splattered on the boy’s forearms and he froze with widened and frantic eyes.

          This boy was really cute. What was his name again?

          Your arm felt so heavy and numb. You wanted to tell the boy to get off your arm so that you could move, but again you couldn’t find your voice. He was saying something, but you couldn’t hear so you tried smiling instead. He looked so sad. You wished he would smile.

          The boy… Bakugou. That was his name.

          Bakugou started shouting something at the sky, which you thought was silly because the sky can’t talk. His eyebrow was creased, and you somehow knew he was being really loud even without hearing his volume. You wanted to know what he was saying, but everything was just so dull—colors, sounds, feelings—nothing was right. You couldn’t remember a lot and that really frustrated you, but you felt something poking through the fog, like there was something really important you needed to do.

          You felt water on your cheeks and were confused. Was it raining? No… you were crying.

          You focused on the boy—Bakugou—who was talking to himself frantically as he dug through a backpack seated beside him and words started to flood into your mind. They seemed silly since you don’t remember much about this guy, but your chest ached in a different sort of pain and you decided to fight past it get them out.

          “Bakugou,” you croaked, and he quickly moved to you, starting to talk rapidly and poke at various parts of you. “I.. love…”

          That’s the most you could weakly get out before your coughing fit ensued. It seemed like enough because the boy—B something—seemed to freeze for a moment before a serious look took over his face. You managed a weak smile. His eyes looked so determined and cute.

          You saw him reach for a knife lying beside you in the grass and felt panic flood through you. You wanted to do something to stop him from whatever he seemed set on, but you couldn’t move. You couldn’t talk. You couldn’t do anything.

          You saw him give an ugly scream at the sky, unshed tears shining in his eyes, as he lifted the knife into the air.

          You felt a dull ache spread across your abdomen as consciousness filtered into your body. You blinked slowly, squinting at the bright lights that bounced against the pure white walls and curtains surrounding you. You fought for a semblance of an idea on where you could be, but nothing came to you. As you tried to sit up, pain shot through you and you winced, letting out a soft moan in agony. It was then that you realized how many IVs were attached to your wrist.

          Then the world faded to black.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

          Where were you?

          A distant shouting came from the hallway that gradually increased in volume. It was an unmistakable sound.

          Bakugou.

          “You said I could fucking see her.” He yelled. You heard a quiet voice attempting to calm him, but he cut them off. “I don’t give a shit. I did your fucking interview so where the hell is the room!?”

          Your door was thrown open seconds later and Bakugou stormed in wearing a capital tailored suit. It was enough for you to question the realism of where you’d woken up with your already foggy mind slow to process everything. He was at your side quickly, throwing his arms around you and pulling you close. You winced at the embrace and he immediately let go.

          “Are you okay? What hurts? When did you wake up? Do you know what they’re giving you? Where the fuck is the chart… fuck I’m so happy you’re here. I thought they were lying to me and—”

          “Am I dead?”

          He halted his search around the room for your medical chart and just stared at you. A weak smile formed on his face. “No.”

          “I vividly remember dying…” You observed your surroundings again, finally piecing them together to form a hospital room. “Did… did we win?”

          He came back to your bedside, carefully cradling your face in his hands and bringing your forehead against his. “We lived. I figured it out.”

          “Bakugou… what… what happened?”

          He sighed. “I just… said some things and threatened some people.”

          You pushed him back by the shoulders and held him at a distance. “You threatened some people? What the hell do you mean you—”

          “Look, I did what I had to.” He took your hands into his and squeezed them lightly. “I don’t regret it.”

          You regarded him carefully, scanning his face for answers but still too dizzy to do complex thinking. You nodded your head, but your stomach was in knots as various consequences came to your mind. It was child’s play for them to make people’s lives miserable, you had both found that out the hard way these past weeks, they could really hurt him if he had done something stupid.

          “How did you—"

          Someone in a long coat entered the room to check you over and even though they ‘encouraged’ Bakugou to leave the room he very aggressively denied their suggestion. Even though all of you was still in pain the doctor had okayed you for an incredibly unprofessional discharge which had left Bakugou eagerly carrying you out of the room. You realized, as they failed to prescribe you painkillers, that this was the beginning of the neglect the capital had in store.

          You were forced into an uncomfortable outfit and Bakugou ensured you it was temporary for the short trip to the bullet train. It was tight in all the wrong areas, something you had a hunch was intentional, and from the fierce rage in Bakugou’s eyes, he felt the same. You were ushered to the train and Bakugou ignored anyone asking questions, having already faced an interview that morning he told you to do the same. You had a hard time following what was happening and could only focus on how you really needed a nap.

          Once you were safely on the train that would take you home you were able to change into comfortable clothing and plop onto a couch where Bakugou was anxiously waiting. He still had large bags under his eyes, and you wondered if he had been able to sleep at all since the games had ended. You should probably both take a nap. Instead, you asked him to play the interview he kept mentioning so you could see the end of this year’s hunger games and finally understand what the hell was going on. Finally, you could jog some of your memories and learn why you’re not dead.

          He was hesitant but found the interview repeatedly playing the main television because of course, the capital would be so kind to them. He explained that the game makers wanted just him for the interview to really sell the district 2 bad boy love story the capital idiots had become so obsessed over. You were taken aback by the statement but didn’t know where to begin asking for an explanation. You hoped the recording could speak for itself.

          It was a surreal experience watching yourself nearly die. The memories of your body going numb and you losing grasp of reality had you subconsciously curling into Bakugou’s side. You saw yourself give a love confession and you turned red because you hadn’t remembered that happening. You felt your eyes burn with unshed tears as you watched Bakugou whisper your name and gently shake you, begging you to respond, calling you an asshole for confessing and then leaving him like that. You wanted to punch him when he started cursing at the game makers before picking up a knife off the ground and aiming it toward himself. Then the screen went black and it was just Bakugou and Caesar.

          He fabricated a story about how they had barely known each other as kids, but he hadn’t really thought about her since then. He obviously had never imagined a fluke happening where she’d become a tribute and it wasn’t until the arena that his feelings started to develop. The confession from you just kind of finalized it for him and he couldn’t imagine a world without you in it anymore—it wouldn’t be worth living. The entire audience was clapping and cooing. You were watching with a mouth half-open because Bakugou was one hell of an actor when he needed to be.

          “It’s not like it was a complete lie,” he said, nuzzling his cheek against the top of your head. You still had a hard time believing this was real. That you were allowed this moment of peace after everything you’d been through.

          “Which part?” You mumbled.

          “Loving you,” he shrugged. “It wouldn’t have been worth coming back after figuring that out.”

          You rolled your eyes, looking up at him as he gave you a dopey smile. “You’re an idiot.”

          “Maybe,” he said as he leaned down to kiss you. You placed a hand on the side of his face, holding him there. Your heart raced uncontrollably, and you knew this was it. That whatever was going to come next would be worth it. You had faced hell together and no matter what the capital tried to do you’d be able to face it if you had each other.

[julemmaes]

You marry me, Alas

"Stop eating all my popcorn, they're for the tree" AU

Thomas Lightwood and Alastair Carstairs Fluff Christmas Holiday AU

Okay I kept on writing because apparently it is fun, and I did a little something for my boo @tyherondaletrash who deserves the world and all the love we can give her. And tomorrow is Monday, so it’ll be a shitty shitty day for her (not for me, schools are closed;)) and I hope I can improve her mood a little.

Just gonna tell you that there’s a little angst, a lot of fluff and SHIT TON of sex references, but nothing too serious, hope you’ll enjoy it

Word count: 2,364

Thomas poured the last pan of popcorn into the biggest bowl and picked up the few who had fallen on the island before eating them. He left everything in the kitchen as he went up the stairs of their new house to go get a needle and thread.

Alastair would never agree to do such a thing, he would probably complain all the time about the grease on his hands or the fact that “food should be eaten, not used to make stupid necklaces”, but Tom really wanted to get him into the Christmas spirit. Because that would be the first Christmas they spent with their families and especially the first Christmas since Alastair and Cordelia’s father got out of rehab.

Thomas had found out from James. One afternoon, when only the two of them had gone out to make gifts to the others, out of nowhere he had asked how Alastair was taking it. Thomas had looked at him frowning, because he didn’t understand what he was talking about, and when James told him that their father was going back to London after all those months out of town, the sky fell down on him. Not because he was upset.

He had mostly panicked and text-bombing his boyfriend, who, busy with a business meeting, had not replied right away. And then Thomas had called him. Fifteen times. And when Alastair came out of the meeting he thought the other was dead. He had called back immediately and was slightly angry when Thomas told him to go home because they needed to talk. He tried to imply that he knew about Elias, but Alastair seemed too focused on the fact that he called him so many times, and so he had to be the one with the issue that needed resolving.

Tom sighed, remembering how he had had to pull every word out of Alas' lips, which eventually gave away and began to cry. He had rarely seen his boyfriend cry, but he had never felt so much hatred and anger in his sobs. It was difficult to feel affection for his beloved’s father at that time. A father who had taken away his childhood and forced him to protect his sister’s.

He found the needle in the drawer of his bedside table and took one of the little balls of white thread that Alastair kept in his drawer (for when the buttons fell from his shirts), and went down to the first floor again. He returned to the kitchen, and did not immediately notice that his boyfriend was sitting on the counter swinging his feet and eating his popcorn… his popcorn!

“Hey! I was eating those!”Alastair shouted when Thomas tore the bowl from his hands.

“Make them yourself, if you are hungry! These go on the tree. And you will help me.” he said, sulking like a child, holding the popcorn in his chest. Alastair shook his head sighing and, making a small leap to get off the island, gave his assent.

They went into the living room and sat on the carpet next to the tree. A tree that had been bought almost a week earlier and still didn’t have a single ball on it. This was due to the fact that since Alastair’s holidays had started, there hadn’t been a minute when the two of them hadn’t rolled around in bed.

Sometimes it was annoying to stay apart all day and then be too tired to do any other activity but sleeping, so as soon as the chance to spend some time together for their own business had presented itself, they had not been able to resist and had locked themselves in the house for a week, receiving complaints from Lucie and Christopher, who wanted to go out with them, but they both had repeatedly refused to make the famous double dates she loved so much and shut the door in front of a very confused Kit.

“So? How do we do these things?” asked Alastair by taking a popcorn and throwing it in his mouth.

“Certainly not like that.” muttered Thomas, taking two meters of thread for him and two for the other boy and starting to stick it in his needle, “First put the thread in the needle and then stab the popcorn, like this.” He showed it to him and continued undisturbed until a sound of frustration escaped Alastair’s control and Tom was forced to interrupt his work. Looking up, Thomas never thought he’d find himself in front of an Alastair red of rage with a twisted thread around his fingers, desperately trying not to prick himself again.

“How the fuck do you put something so big inside something so small?! It’s impossible.” Alastair’s hands were shaking from how focused he was, and that didn’t help with his task.

Thomas' eyebrows shot up and, refraining from laughing, he placed his necklace on the ground, gently taking his boyfriend’s hands into his own, stopping that tremendous trembling, “I don’t think you should make another joke like that, or I’ll be forced to leave this tree naked another day to show you how it’s done,” he whispered to him with a wink. Thomas heard him mutter something about being naked and that as far as he was concerned that tree could also burn in the fireplace. “Here.” passed the needle with the already threaded thread, “you have to hold it from here otherwise it slips out.” Alastair thanked him before he took a handful of popcorn and took it to his mouth. Thomas refrained from snorting and began his work once more. He still felt that the other was confabulating and a quick glance made him realize that he would never accomplish anything.

Not even five minutes passed before Alastair stood up and started yelling at the popcorn, which kept breaking and falling off. He stomped his feet on the ground like a child and at that point Thomas could not hold back any longer, bursting into a loud laugh, with his head pulled back.

Alastair took that laugh as an invitation to do something else and on his way to their room, took all the presents he hadn’t wrapped yet, wrapping paper and tape, before he sat down next to his boyfriend. He stared at the books he had bought for Cordelia for a whole minute before taking a deep breath and really started working.

Meanwhile Thomas seemed to have finished his first necklace and was starting the one he had abandoned. Alastair took the wrapping paper and began to rip it in half, so that he had enough for every book, but of course something had to go wrong and a sharp pain took over his finger. He looked at his hand and two drops of blood came out of his thumb, “For fuck’s sake.”

Thomas, intrigued by his boyfriend’s swearing, turned to him, giggling, “I agree. Today is not your day.” he told him, nibbling a popcorn, “Do you want me to go get you a Band-Aid? At least you won’t stain the books.” he proposed with a shy smile.

Alastair turned to him, to that boy he loved so much that sometimes he wondered how it was possible that everything was real. That Thomas was really his. That he could finally be happy, too, if he had someone like Tom by his side.

“Don’t worry, I can go by myself.” he bent down on the other, brushing his lips with his own, but the other took him by the neck of the shirt pulling him down towards him and the kiss became more intense. Alastair lost his balance, ending up on Thomas, that by now was lying on his back, his hands going up under the other’s shirt.

They split just to catch their breath, and when Alastair finally broke off, Thomas gave a grunt of discomfort at the lack of contact, “We said no sex today. And no sex will be.”

“That was a stupid fucking rule, then.” Thomas said, raising his hips against Alastair’s, making him feel how even that little contact between them made him feel. Alastair closed his eyes leaning his forehead against that of the other, laying a last little kiss on his lips. He stood up, resting on his arms and then helped Thomas, lending him a hand.

“Are you sure you want to go to the bathroom? Isn’t it that with your bad luck, you come in and the patches are gone?” Thomas joked on the way to the kitchen to get a drink. Alastair saw from the croner of his eye that he was adjusting his trouser and could not stop his mind when he thought “Stupid rule, indeed”, but they had to finish decorating the house, tomorrow would be Christmas Eve and all their friends and families would come here. Explaining to his mother that you hadn’t decorated anything because you were too busy fucking didn’t seem like a tempting thing to do.

“No you’re actually right. Could you take it fom me?” He took his finger between his lips and sucked it. At least there was no more blood.

“That shitty rule is ruining my day. At this point we would have finished everything.” he was looking at him like a lioness looks at a gazelle after a week of starving. Yet, that lioness had eaten, even too many times, wondered Alastair. He scoffed, knowing full well that they wouldn’t have done anything if it wasn’t for that one rule.

“Stop it, Lightwood, and hurry up so we can finish early and after we can do what we want.” He smiled greedily, swooped over the couch with an athletic jump and landed just two inches from him. He put the Band-Aid on him, insisting that he needed to touch him somehow, and for Alastair to take the piss out of him, those tiny displays of affection swollen his heart.

They both went back to doing what they had to do, until Alastair finished wrapping and then put all the balls there were to be put on the tree, and all the streamers. He also began to decorate the kitchen and the entrance, putting sprigs of mistletoe here and there at Thomas' request. If he had to be completely honest, that afternoon wasn’t as bad as he initially thought.

He was getting up on the chair to put the last twig on the front door, when a Christmas tune blew up the house at full volume, scaring him and making him almost fall, “Oh hell, no,” he complained softly, but he would never ask Thomas to turn it off. For some strange reason, Christmas made him ten times happier, kinder. Perhaps it was because his past Christmas had been spent with a loving family, in houses full of gratitude and happiness, while Alastair’s had all been spent hiding his father’s eggnog where he could not find it and to buy a gift to his sister at the last minute, because no one ever remembered to drive him to the mall.

He came down from the chair in silence and took it back to the counter, where he leaned with both elbows before burying his face in his hands. Stop it, he said to himself, or you will ruin Christmas to everyone, including Thomas. He took a trembling breath, trying to calm down. His father was fine. Cordelia had told him. Layla, his sweet little Layla, who had gone to see Elias alone because he had refused to see him. Layla, who had been forced to meet an alcoholic father alone after knowing a complete different person for a very long time.

He looked out the window, where the snow was starting to come down slowly. He did not notice the volume of the music being lowered, or Thomas looking at him from the doorframe, again, but this time with a hard, thoughtful look. He did not even notice him when the first sob came out of his lips and he cursed under his breath so as not to be heard.

He only noticed Thomas when he approached him with two big strides, and circled his shoulders with his arms, bringing him close to himself, cradling him as he had done every time. Alastair turned to him, hiding his face in his chest, as a liberating cry made its way into him.

Thomas lifted him from the ground and, holding him as tight as he could, went to the couch, where he sat whispering sweet nothings into his ear.

They were like this for hours, one next to the other. The forgotten popcorn necklaces on the floor next to the tree and the half-packed gifts to keep them company.

Alastair looked up at Thomas only when he was sure he was no longer crying and what he saw on the other’s face stopped his breath. There were traces of tears on Thomas' cheeks as well. Alastair sat up straight, still on his boyfriend’s lap, holding both hands to his face, “Tom,” he whispered passing a finger on his cheekbone. Thomas took his hand in his, taking it to his mouth and leaving a tender kiss on his palm, before resting it on his chest, on his heart.

Thomas looked him in the eye and as every time he looked at him his love grew and grew so much that for a second he was afraid he would explode, he was sure that he would die if he did nothing to let Alastair know his feelings. How much he loved him and how much this love grew every day. For everything that he meant to him and for everything he stood for.

Thomas had a completely crazy idea in mind, but he was sure, sure of that love. Sure that the only voice that mattered in the midst of the thousand that he heard every day was the voice of the man who stood on his lap at that moment. And he was not afraid when he opened his mouth and moved to speak, did not feel fear, only an indescribable emotion, while…

“Marry me.”

“You marry me, Alas.”

[fishoutofcamelot]

(for the ask thing) any book/tv show/movie/song recommendations?

BRO! I heckin got you man! Now, I’m gonna skip the song and book recommendation bit because that sorta thing isn’t really my scene. BUT! In terms of TV? My rec list is like a mile long. I’m gonna include a read-more line, actually. 

BBC Merlin: You know I had to put this on the list. But the fact that you’re on my blog means you’ve probably watched this one, so I won’t go into detail about it. Available on Netflix

Mob Psycho 100: Just a cute, sweet story about a bunch of psychic kids trying to kill each other. A story with this much fighting has no right to be so wholesome. Mob is just a good boy, he doesn’t deserve all this! Fair warning, its messages about identity, self love, and growth WILL make you feel Emotions. Available on various anime pirating websites

Red vs Blue: The found family game is SO strong in this one. By far the best found family plot/dynamic I have ever and will ever experience. The characters are all so solid, yknow? Like it took me three rewatches to understand the plot, but I didn’t even care because I loved the characters SO MUCH. It’s also really, really funny (although some of the jokes have aged a bit poorly tbh). Basically about a bunch of space marines who goof off and accidentally dismantle corrupt governments along the way. Available on Youtube

Supernatural: Is it cringey? Yeah. Does the fandom suck? Also yeah. Is Destiel overrated? BIG yeah. But it’s got monsters, magic, family, and a plot that doesn’t revolve around romance - and really, what more could you ask for? And sure, a lot of people don’t really like the later seasons, but idk I actually prefer them. Season 15 has me THRIVING. I mean come on - character vs author?! Fighting the guy who literally wrote you into existence because he doesn’t want to give your story a happy ending?! Say what you will about Supernatural, but it’s one of the most imaginative shows I’ve ever seen. Available on Netflix

Avatar the Last Airbender: You like stellar animation, intricate worldbuilding/magicbuilding, and a perspective on war that is surprisingly mature for a kids show? Check it out. This show is without a doubt one of the best animated series of all time. Go on. Watch it. It’ll change your life. Available on Netflix

The Umbrella Academy: Time-travelling assassins. Superheroes. Ghosts. Talking monkeys. Murder mysteries. Baller soundtracks. This show will never give you what you expect. I don’t even think I could properly describe it to you. Available on Netflix

Detective Conan: An anime. It’s about a teen detective - think Nancy Drew but bloodier - who witnesses a crime and is fed an experimental poison in order to keep him from telling anyone. But instead of killing him, the poison turns him into a 6-year-old. So now he’s got to solve crimes and take down a criminal organization while in the body of a child. Naturally, shenanigans ensue. Fair warning, the main character becomes a bit of a Mary Sue in later episodes, but the first 300 or so are pretty fun. A few episodes are available on Netflix, but not any of the good ones. You’ll need an anime pirating website for that

Knives Out: My favourite movie ever, of all time. It’s a murder mystery that both subverts and pays homage to its parent genre in all the right places. It’s funny, it’s intelligent, and has a spectacular ending! Although I do wish the fandom would stop being so horny for Ransom, I mean he’s literally racist...No clue where you can find this tbh, I saw it in theatres

Derry Girls: Now I’m not normally a big fan of realistic fiction/sitcom stuff. Despite how funny they are, I’ve not even watched The Office or Parks and Rec because that normal daily life stuff just doesn’t peak my interest. And yet, somehow this story about a group of Irish high schoolers just has me enthralled. Very funny, very well-written, give it a watch. Available on Netflix

Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood: Another anime. Phenomenal animation? Check. Fascinating plot and characters? Check. Detailed magic system that gets my lore-obsessed heart fluttering? Big heckin check. So basically two kids try to use Fantasy Science to bring their mom back to life, only the experiment fails and has some pretty nasty consequences - one boy loses his arm and leg, while the other loses his entire body and has his soul bound to a suit of armour. Now they gotta go through government conspiracies, ethical dilemmas, and Daddy Issues to try and get their bodies back. Available on Netflix

The Disastrous Life of Saiki K: Yet another anime. I know, I know, I’m a nerd, get over it. This show doesn’t have a complex plot or even complex characters, tbh, but what it does have is some amazing humour. It’s extremely funny, and it’s also just a nice show to kick back and relax to. Basically this guy who’s so op that he could rewrite the laws of reality on a whim is stuck dealing with relationship drama in high school despite being very, very asexual and very, very tired. Mostly he just uses his powers to avoid people and eat junk food, which is honestly a mood. Available on Netflix

Scooby Doo! Mystery Incorporated: Honestly I’d recommend almost anything that’s Scooby Doo-related because that was my childhood obsession. I used to have like 20 of the movies on DVD before my mom gave them all away. To this day I still love Scooby Doo, and watch it whenever I get the chance. But if you ask any SD fan, they’ll probably tell you that Mystery Incorporated is the best, most intelligent, most creative installment in the franchise. And they’re right (although I do wish there was less relationship drama...) Available on Netflix

Evil Genius: This is a documentary series about the Collar Bomb Robbery. Now, despite what the above list might indicate, I actually watch a LOT of documentaries, and if I were here to recommend all of them then we would be here all day. Not really ‘funny’ like the other entries on this list, it’s actually rather tragic, but definitely a cerebral viewing experience. Available on Netflix

Screwball: Now this is a documentary that IS funny. It’s about drug scandals in baseball. But the dramatic scene re-enactments are done with child actors that are all wearing fake beards and pretending to be drug dealers. It’s not only a fascinating subject, but it’s got amazing editing and visuals that have me in awe. Available on Netflix

Behind the Curve: Yet another documentary. This one’s about the rise of the Flat Earth movement. You’ll spend most of the time on the verge of having a stroke because of how stupid it all is. Available on Netflix

The Movies That Made Us: Okay okay okay last documentary on the list I swear. This one’s exactly what it says on the tin. It’s a series talking about the behind-the-scenes production of iconic movies like Home Alone and Ghostbusters. I eagerly await the second season. Available on Netflix

Monster Factory: If you’re familiar with the McElroy brothers and their brand of humour, you’ll love this. Griffin and Justin team up to make the most disturbing avatars they can create using video game character creators. The origins of the Final Pam meme. If I had a shirt with a quote from Monster Factory on it, I’d die a happy man. Available on Youtube

Baman Piderman: The dumbest show I have ever watched, but it’s so adorable and stupid and I love it so much. It doesn’t really have a plot, but later episodes allude to the presence of one and I’m upset because there are so many mysteries/questions hinted at and we’ll never get answers because it’s been abandoned. PLEASE watch it. Available on Youtube

Stranger Things: Okay, season 2 was a bit of a let-down imo, but season 1 was ICONIC and the Scoops Troop subplot in season 3 deserved its own freakin spinoff. I’m not joking. I didn’t even like s3 all that much, but the only reason it’s my favourite is because the Scoops Troop plot was so great. People call this show ‘horror’ but I don’t think it’s scary enough for that, although it is admittedly kinda spooky. If you like 80s nostalgia and the horror aesthetic, then I’d give it a watch (Do it for Scoops Troop. Do it for Robin). Available on Netflix

Jack and the Cuckoo-Clock Heart: Despite my overwhelming love for this film, I’ll be the first to admit it’s kinda mediocre. The plot is weird and the romance feels forced, but despite its flaws it manages to be one of my favourite movies. Mostly I just like it for the unique concept and beautiful ending. Also the music is off the par man. Probably because the writer/producer of the movie was the lead singer for a French band called Dionysus (what? I do my research). Available on Netflix

Wakfu: I haven’t seen past season 3, but so far it’s pretty good. You go in thinking it’s just a wholesome action/adventure show about a kid who can create portals - but then it just. Sucks you in. From its bopping theme song to its fantastic found family to the unique worldbuilding, you very quickly fall in love with it. It’s got a cool plot and also talking dragons, and it doesn’t get better than that. Available on Netflix

Mystery Skulls Animated: Technically not a TV show so much as it is a series of animated music videos with a plot, but I’ll be damned if this isn’t one of the greatest things of all time. It’s basically Scooby Doo but if Shaggy got possessed by a demon and killed Fred, causing Fred to become a ghost hellbent on revenge-killing Shaggy in return. And if Scooby was an ancient Japanese spirit that bit off Shaggy’s arm, forcing him to wear a metal prosthetic. Yeah, MSA is wild. It’s only got three videos out so far, with a fourth one coming out this October, but there’s already so much lore! Available on Youtube

Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared: Ah yes, yet another cringey entry on this list. But you know what? Cringe culture is dead!!! And despite its fandom being...like that...DHMIS really is a cool show. Think if Sesame Street was like haunted or something. The episodes about creativity and telling time remain the most unsettling, imo. Definitely worth a watch. Available on Youtube

Inanimate Insanity: Oh boy. Am I seriously recommending you dip your little fingies into the object fandom? Yes. Yes I am. This show is so obscure it makes freakin Detective Conan look popular. At its core it’s a parody of Total Drama Island and Survivor but with anthropomorphized inanimate objects as characters (hence the name). Season 2 is actually really, really good and surprisingly competent. You just gotta get through season 1 first. Available on Youtube

The X-Files: Wow, a live action series on this list? Who woulda thought??? But seriously, this show is really fun. Memes and jokes aside, I love it. Scully and Mulder are fun characters with great chemistry (both platonic and romantic), the Lone Horsemen are hilarious, and every episode is a unique adventure into the most creative acid trips the human mind could conceive of. Phenomenal from start to finish (if you ignore the last season). I have no clue where you would watch this. Pirate it, probably

Buzzfeed Unsolved: Two idiots investigate cold cases and haunted locales while being utter dumbasses about it. You know the “hey demons it’s be ya boi” meme? That came from these guys. Available on Youtube

Kingdom: Ngl, I didn’t go into this expecting zombies. Or for it to take place during Korean feudalism, for that matter. But mediocre dubbing aside, this show has such a clever concept. It takes the zombie apocalypse genre and gives refreshing, unique twists to old tropes that they feel like something new. Seo-bi is my wife and she deserves all the love and appreciation in the world, and those are just Facts. Available on Netflix

My Hero Academia: Superhero high school anime. I personally am not a fan of later episodes/arcs, but the first three seasons are pretty dang good. Diverse, colourful ensemble cast that you easily grow to adore, interesting commentary on disability (although I’m not qualified to give any actual takes on that), and a school curriculum that makes me very, very concerned for the wellbeing of these children. Plus all the superpowers - aka ‘quirks’ - are super imaginative and, well, quirky! I just wish people would stop shipping the main character with his childhood bully...You’ll need to pirate this one too lmao

Danny Phantom: The highlight of this show is its ‘phandom’, because unlike someone (*cough* Butch Hartman), we’re not a bunch of cowards. It’s about a guy who messes around with his parents’ lab stuff and accidentally acquires the ability to die! Well, half-die. He can turn into a ghost and fight other ghosts. Although the show never explores the existential, traumatic fallout of being kinda-sorta-dead, the potential for something deep and emotional is there. Plus there is a LOT of accidental subtext for a Big LGBT+ Metaphor. So much so that the Trans Danny theory is basically canon. Uhhh not available on Netflix anymore so it’s time to whip out your pirate hat, matey

And there you have it! Like I said, I have a lot of TV recommendations. And I just KNOW I’m forgetting a ton, but this is already really long so we’ll have to cut off here. 

Thanks for the ask! <3