#the real power couples are the codependent manipulators

[m-o-o-n-f-i-r-e]

my favorite type of ship is 100% the ones where they have unending love and devotion and trust for each other. would do anything for the other. would do whatever the other said without question because they know that whatever it is, their partner knows what they are doing and they would trust them with their life. they could move mountains with their love. they would kill for their love. they would do anything for their love. everyone in the room can see that they are connected on the deepest level and will never be separated. nothing can break them apart. they are always on the same level, they know every thought that goes through their lovers head. when they are in a room together they control everything that happens. when they are apart they would tear up the earth to find each other. they would kill god for their love and give gods throne to their love. that kind of love is the best shit

[agerefandom]

10 Favourite Regression Dynamics

I’ve made lists of some characters I headcanon as regressors, and characters I headcanon as caregivers: and I love a good ‘character and reader’ dynamic, but here are some canon dynamics that I LOVE to add age regression to! 

Important note: these aren’t necessarily romantic ‘ships’ and they might not be healthy age regression dynamics but they’re dynamics I find it rewarding to write about! 

1. regressor!Will and caregiver!Hannibal (NBC Hannibal) 

Starting strong with a regression dynamic that is not healthy but it is such an interesting thing to add to their existing codependence! Will gives me such agere vibes and Hannibal’s existing trauma around his big brother history make this such an interesting dynamic to explore. It definitely tilts the power balance faaaar in the direction of someone who will take the opportunity to do terrible things with it, but that’s basically what you’re signing up for with any story about Hannibal Lecter. 

2. regressor!Jack and caregiver!Bitty (Check Please!) 

No one exudes stronger caregiver vibes than Bitty: I’m definitely a supporter of this as a double-flip pairing (with both regressing and caregiving) but I want the sad hockey man to get cuddles, goshdarnit, and you know that Bitty would just be the sweetest most thoughtful caregiver and I just gah they’re already such a good pairing with such canonically developed communication as a couple and I would love to see that skill applied to something as vulnerable as regression 

 3. regressor!Harry and caregiver!Sirius (Harry Potter) 

If anyone deserves a chance at a second childhood, it’s Harry Potter. And I think that when he connected with Sirius as a young teen, he really saw that possibility. I think it would be so sweet to see Sirius actually able to give Harry that full parenting: both at the age he is now, and all the ages that he missed. I just strongly feel like Harry is a regressor, and as much as I like writing him with peers supporting him, I feel like he deserves a real parent figure who can support him in that role in and out of regression, especially in his teen years. 

4. regressor!Jon and caregiver!avatars (Magnus Archives) 

Okay, this is more of a whump thing than a good dynamic, but I just want to see little!Jon dealing with avatars when they’re being nice to him, and it’s like 90% manipulation but it’s also a bunch of monsters being sweet and you can kind of read it as genuine if you squint. I’ve got a vision and it includes literally any of the not-quite-human characters of the Magnus Archives, ranging from the mostly-sweet (End!Gerry) to the completely-terrifying (Bouchard). 

5. regressor!Tony, caregiver!Pepper (Marvel) 

This is the first pairing that ever made me run to write regression fanfiction, and I do believe that I would not be an agere writer without them. Ironically, I’ve never finished and published any of my fics about them, but they have my whole heart. Taking Tony’s earlier unthinking dependence on Pepper and bringing it back in a healthy way, with limits and negotiation and emotional vulnerability, showing how much they’ve grown as a couple? Yes please!! 

6. regressor!Cullens, caregivers!Carlisle and Esme (Twilight)

I am such! a! sucker! for immortal beings finding a way to reclaim the concept of time and childhood. Carlisle and Esme canonically find a lot of value in being parents, and considering that they’re such a range of ages, I think that regression is a neat way to create that dynamic, and I just like big groups of regressors in a family and it scratches all of those interests in one!! 

7. regressor!Morty, flip!Rick (Rick and Morty) 

It’s the toxicity for me!!! I make no claims that this would be a good thing, but also I enjoy writing about the things that trigger Rick’s ‘oh shit I have feelings’ mode and you can’t tell me that regression would not key into that, both in his own experiences as a flip and then having to face it as part of Morty’s trauma. And Morty simultaneously trying to get away into independence but getting drawn back by Rick’s kindness in this single circumstance ties into all of the terrible themes of the show. 

8. regressor/caregiver flips Dean and Sam (Supernatural) 

Speaking of codependence, I cannot choose which of these boys is more symbolically resonant to have as a regressor, and both of them certainly have enough trauma to make it a viable coping mechanism. I think they have the art of balancing each other down to an art: especially in the early seasons, you can really see that process in the way they take turns being the Angry one. Writing about that balance in the context of regression is an interesting concept, and then the way that Dean relates to caregiving versus needing care, and Sam’s desperation to be the reliable one... it’s just a lot of tasty angst to play with alongside the sweet opportunity for a childhood without the war they were raised to fight. 

9. regressor!Erik, caregiver!Christine (Phantom of the Opera) 

Okay, this one is like ninety percent for the aesthetics, because you do need to do some handwaving over canon to make it fluffy. But Erik needs reparenting, and flipping the relationship from the original dynamic with Erik as a kind of father-figure is a nice way to reclaim the story from the original gothic maiden themes. 

10. regressor!Dave, caregiver!Roxy (Homestuck)

All hail my Ride Or Die regression dynamic!!! It’s basically canon and I stand by that! Dave called her mom and said that it feels nice to think of her as a mom because he had such a mixed experience with his own parental figure. And she’s got her own complicated feelings about parenthood and guardianship, but says that she likes it when Dave calls her mom, and it all just makes me very happy.  

This has been my TEDtalk on my favourite regression dynamics!! Thank you for coming!! 

[ironmandeficiency]

I saw y'all discussing potential zodiac signs for Pascal's characters, what's your take on the major ones? I personally believe Marcus Pike is a cancer, Catfish's a pisces, Din's a virgo, Whiskey's an aries, Oberyn's either a leo or a libra, Ezra's a gemini or a sag, but I lean towards gemini. Javier's the poster child for Scorpio. Don't know about Maxwell Lord.

pedro character star signs

i’m so sorry it took so long, i was tweaking this so much bc i wanted to make sure i got it right! these are just what i think based on my astrology opinions, i hope you like it! 💕 i added their moon signs for flair bc i can. gonna tag a few friends i think may be interested, hope it’s not an inconvenience

max phillips: aries sun & moon. his ambition and charisma paired with the carefree attitude and optimism are an optimum fire sign duality and despite the fact i shouldn't, i love it so much. he has an inner child that he spoils with the riches of his conquests (good and bad) & gets emotional contentment when he succeeds in achieving his goals. knows what he wants & is quick to make those wants known. you never have to worry about where you stand with him because he will not hesitate to tell you.

javier peña: taurus sun with scorpio moon (the real guy is a taurus & i can see it but w heavy scorpio influence). he has his own structure and routine and will fight to the death to maintain it. very work oriented & does his best to rationalize his emotion-driven scorpio moon with his taurean logic, it's a tossup as to whether it works half the time. has a lot of emotional needs that aren't always met day to day & thats why he smokes and drinks and fucks. but don’t let anything make you doubt his love for you because the only thing stronger than his stubborn streak is his heart and its capacity to love you so damn much.

maxwell lord: libra sun with a sagittarius moon. the charisma? attractive and engaging af. oddly adept at chameleoning himself into whatever social group he's trying to vibe with. will draw eyes no matter what because so many people know him & if they don't already, they sure as hell want to. it takes him a while to learn to balance healthy relationships and his work life but when he does, you can visibly see how much healthier he is because of it. normally tends to his emotions in private but with help, he can start sharing a bit more. more optimistic than he sometimes should be but it could be worse

frankie morales: pisces sun with a cancer moon. his caring and sometimes cautious nature (with a twinge of homicidal tendencies) make him one that you don't just casually fuck with sexually or otherwise. catches feelings very easy & makes a lot of emotionally-driven decisions. these two water signs have a propensity towards codependence & defensiveness when hurt. is at his best when he feels loved and is supported by those he loves. emotions are always fluctuating and there’s some trouble with self-discipline (which is not the same as self-deprecation). because of this, he needs someone who can ground him

jack "whiskey" daniels: his swagger!! his charm!! his generosity!! the protectiveness over people he cares about!! this has the makings of a leo sun. this charismatic sun sign paired with his capricorn moon create a living example of the most balanced "work hard, play hard" you've ever seen. has a tendency to set high standards for himself and others & is a smidge more accepting when people fuck up, wanting to help them be better in the future. his emotions are often repressed in the name of responsibility but when he feels safe, he isn’t shy about them in the slightest. very confident in his skills & one of those that he’s the proudest of is his ability to cheer you up when you’re sad

din djarin: he is the most virgo virgo to ever virgo, a double whammy of it in both his sun & moon placements. very logical, disciplined, and tradition-oriented. knows how to bargain and budget, approaches problems with as little emotional attachment as he can (doesn't always work though), and is selfless af. needs something to keep him from being a worry wart bc otherwise he will spend every waking moment fretting over anything he can find. remarkably well-rounded & somehow the most emotionally stable

ezra: everything about this man radiates aquarius sun + gemini moon and you will never convinve me otherwise. he's just enough of an intellectual elitist (the big words and flowy shakespearian vocabulary) for it to border on unique and fun & annoying as fuck. every aquarian i've met has a quirk that sets them apart from everyone else & ezra's quirk (besides murder) is his vocabulary. it takes him a long time to learn to not talk over people on accident (sometimes he does on purpose just to be a bastard), but you can tell when he’s really trying to be conscious of it.

marcus moreno: now this man is what you call a pisces. a softie with a heart of gold that is constantly being underestimated, he has more power than most think. his silly and carefree nature detracts from the badassery he's capable of so it sometimes catches you off guard when he goes into Badass In Charge™️ mode but it’s there. his moon is also in pisces, which adds to his gentility and desire to be understood by his partner. this man just needs some love dammit, give it to him already!! his empathy makes him the Cool Dad™️ bc missy and literally any other kid get the vibe of “yeah this adult will actually listen to me and value my opinions”

dave: capricorn sun, aries moon. he thrives with people who can handle their own shit competency kink anyone? and doesn’t have patience with those who should know better. his standards are higher than a stoned giraffe, and is at his best in controlled environments. has a strong sense of self & a short list of people he would risk it all for. not as outwardly expressive but he does have a couple cues that you learn over time. also knows what he wants and is very meticulous in how he goes about getting it; there are very few places where he takes no for an answer. is a very good provider but don’t expect him to be mushy when you thank him for things he does for you.

oberyn martell: gemini sun & leo moon. he’s got more charisma than can fit in the ocean and sometimes it gets him into trouble. this man thrives on validation from loved ones. there is never a worry about not knowing what he’s feeling because oh boy is this man expressive. he’s a protector and a provider (and a gossip but don’t let him hear you say that). can and will cause a scene if there’s ample opportunity, he enjoys watching shit go down. will only interfere if it directly impacts him or someone he really cares about but otherwise will just pop the popcorn and pull up a seat. somehow has all the details of everything that ever happens but you learn to not question it.

pero tovar: scorpio sun (but specifically october scorpio) & aquarius moon. he’s highly rational when it comes to emotions but does have a temper. he’s observant af of his environment & the emotions of everyone around him, and chooses his actions carefully based on those. doesn’t confront his deeper emotions as often as he should bc it’s easier to default to Angy™️ and let the rest of the world come to their own assumptions. has no tolerance for lies and other bs, wants the truth and though it makes him seem power-hungry and manipulative, that’s not his intention. it’s just his way of looking for someone he can trust with the most intimate parts of him

marcus pike: this man? taurus sun, cancer moon. has a fear of abandonment that takes a while to quell but once it’s gone, he’s all in. he’s very empathetic and observant af, will know exactly what you need before you voice said need. will feel guilty for his baggage sometimes and the guilt will make him recluse for a short period until he’s reminded just how appreciated he is. does not play around when it comes to affection & is very eager to give and receive it whenever possible

my friends that i think might be interested: @scribbledghost @autumnleaves1991-blog @dyke--grayson @max--phillips @dindjarindiaries @pikemoreno @ohnopoe @pedropasscals @forever-rogue @engineeredfiction @bitchin-beskar

[fiore-rosewood9]

♫FrUk :D

Thank you for the ask, I will send a few songs that remind me of fruk, a whole playlist if you may, not only one song. I also touch a few of triggering topics as I explain the nations's personalities and relationships with one another so I apologize in advance if I upset/trigger someone and will put my trigger here - Warning - mentions of abuse, alcoholism, s*exual trauma. Under the explanation there is a playlist of songs that make me think of Ukfr/Fruk, so if anyone gets upset you can feel free to skip my general headcanons about fruk/ukfr relationship dynamics. There are too many songs that make me think of different characters or ships but I collected the ones that make me think the most of them.

I know the original song is by Lady gaga but this version is too sweet and cheesy for me so I chose the rock cover by the group Halestorm since I prefer it, it sounds more genuine and rough and kinda makes me think of the dynamic that ukfr/fruk has, that some people present is as just the enemies to lovers trope or them just fighting which is.....simply unhealthy????? Fruk is much more than that and I wish people would stop seeing it as a two dimensional thing, yeah they do argue on a lot of things and it is not the healthiest dynamic however it does work in my mind because they stick through thin and thick and that requires effort and true love since a lot of people nowdays do not take time to know the other person, they just jump into marriage and have a few divorces and just argue over everything and then separate, fruk is an off and on thing where they break and make. This kind of dedication is hard to find in today's couples. I know they're fictional characters and no one really cares but I practice my psychology skills and my knowledge of people around me, and I sometimes see people with similar or almost the same characters as fictional characters, they may not have all of their hobbies but they do act the same way. And certain pairs, no offence, just make me want to gag my self due to history with bad and toxic fans but if I look at it subjectivly and never encountered mean fans from a certain ship, I would say that they ship simply doesn't work. No ship bashing but as far as I know, people with this kind of personality from this ship that I dislike, and get upset when seeing fan art of, simply just do not get along and had a hard time divorcing, it is not only unhealthy and unbalanced, it is downright abusive because both partners seek control and to have the upper hand and this is not...what romance is about???? It is about two people taking care of each other, understanding personal space and boundaries, lifting each other up and yeah, they will argue a lot, sometimes for small things, sometimes for bigger things, but generally the point of romantic relationships is not someone using you, or abusing you financially and generally being better or bigger than you. This breeds insecurity and jealousy in the other partner and makes them feel inadequate. Usually such problems are not talked over and one of the partners acts passive agressive which is what ultimaltly leads to said divorce. So yeah, people can go away with their (BUT IT IS CUTE, IT IS SO FUCKING CUTE) pairing because real life pairings and how humans communicate and develop friendships and relationships isn't based on what your mind conciders and doesn't concider cute and there are lots of factors on whether relationship will ever happen like common interests, type personality, etc and just block me so I will never hear from them and their childish mindset ever again, which is why I blocked certain tumbrl fan art hetalia accounts who produce art of a pairing I (dislike) lowkey hate, for historical reasons, for manga reasons, for toxic fans who bullied me and made me go on 3 hiatuses reason and ultimatly in real life experience and psychology and how humans and the human mind works and what is healthy and unhealthy reason. Why should I support something where certain people have been hateful towards me and these same people that act like these characters and I know in my life are on bad terms in real life? Why shouldn't I just move on to something more realistic and more healthy, that I have seen that works with humans I know first hand? I am not a clinical psychologist and I have no power or saying in this but I had to write thesis and read books by psycholgists and analyze them in high school and my first year of Uni, in order to pass the year and I have also read reccomended books by a psychologist I went to because I wanted an advice on how to deal with my anxiety and talking to people, because my condition is extremely severe but I honestly feel stuck and try to improve but also feel confused, I sometimes feel like I am not doing enough to

self improve as a human. I sometimes come off as too cold or overly bitter and angry without intending to, and it sucks.

Francis is a really manipulative person and Matthew picked up that from him while part of Alfred's agression doesn't only come from confidence in his own abilities but the fact that England him self is an overly agressive person and is very dominant or at least used to be for a very long time, now he is more mild to keep his gentleman persona but he does suffer from severe anger issues which he hides while Alfred is prone to breaking things and screaming, Arthur is more prone to being rude, sarcastic and generally mean before he loses it. Matthew and Francis do not engage in fight if they can avoid it which is why sometimes people call them cowardly I think? And Matthew is a bit prone to being a codependent people pleaser as far as I see and he seems to have severe anxiety issues. Francis albeit charismatic and beautiful, is deep down in his core lonely.

I think that part of his pervertedness, shocking people with his s*xual humour and all of this sex obsession comes from trauma in his childhood and dressing like a girl. I wouldn't explain what the trauma in question was since it is not canon but I do headcanon that he had s*xual trauma and it is partly why Hungary dressed like a guy. I don't know if this is legit, it is bias from reading too much japanese fan comics relating to hetalia or just general history of humans and how they treated consent and what is moral today, wasn't amoral or against the law a few centuries ago, but I have seen artists touch on it. I think both Arthur and Francis suffer from neglect and they weren't particularly good fathers, in fact no country is, the whole FACE family is dysfunctional and while I love all of them, I kinda pity them. I think Rome was a bit discriminatory mostly towards France and never towards his other children while Arthur had to constantly prove him self and was bullied by his brothers. While other nations have suffered from trauma too (I headcanon that Prussia was burnt on stake and people threw rocks at him due to his albinism and being left handed) something similar happened to Arthur, who I headcanon that he was burnt for being a witch and Francis went a few times through the guillotine, or Arthur still having a bullet scar on his arm from the American revolution or Francis having nightmares from that day where Jeanne was burnt and waking up in his own sweat. Arthur also must suffer from workholism and alcoholism, judging by how much he works and goes to pubs to drink. Everyone chooses their own poison and how to cope with life and many use unhealthy coping mechanisms, hell, even I used unhealthy coping mechanisms a lot in the past and I am not proud of them, in fact, I try to improve.

I can talk about their history and how it relates to their mental health and what scars they have for hours but I would bore you. You came for a song and I am probably boring you so I apologize for writting a lot of words, in advance. I basically think that fruk/ukfr is the ultimate ship for many reasons because they click, I do ship spuk/engita/asakiku and many other things but fruk/ukfr is kinda like butter and bread, it is a great combination. I never said it is 100 percent healthy, however their relationship makes psychological sense and their personalities click. I know people like to present arthur as this dumb tsundere man that blushes and says baka, or he is this garbage rat dad that no one likes or francis is presented or at least used to be this perverted sex machine that touched other countries inappropriatly or at least the 2012-2015 fans saw him this way and while he still has the reputation of a pervert, what many young people in the fandom see as disgusting, I just see as an overly lonely man that just happens to have high libido and copes with it by having casual sex and just has a sex humour, the same way some people have fart jokes humour or darker, more cursed humour, I am really glad that fans mostly left off this whole - Francis is a r**ist and will grope you, in the past, because honestly r**e is not joke and as a character he clearly understands consent and boundaries and I don't think someone like him would do such a thing. Also Greece and Turkey have even higher libido than him and sleep around more, yet he is the ''pervert'', I don't get it??????????? but fruk is just so much more than opposites attract, they have a lot in common so I can't say they're full opposites, no one is truly. I have heard people ask why does anyone ship fruk when it is just opposites attract/enemies to lovers trope and I am honestly confused, because that is extremely rough generalization to say the least, it is like saying - All men/women are the same, it is simply wrong/uncorrect. I think they ''married'' five times - The Treaty of Paris (1657) formed an alliance against Spain. The Anglo-French Alliance (1716–31) formed another alliance against Spain. The Anglo-French blockade of the Río de la Plata (1845-1850). The Anglo-French joint invasion of Qing Dynasty (1856–1860). And the last one which is their official marriage The Entente Cordiale (1904) fought together in both World Wars. As far as I remember Francis tried to marry Arthur but he refused and why he refused is up for subjective opinion but I must write a whole thesis on why Fruk/ukfr works so well and people are not here for that, they're here for the music and I will provide. I also always saw Francis as the more gentle and more submissive partner, I just love to see him drawn in frilly beautiful dresses with bows and stuff and Arthur as the more dominant, I mean as a country he was a powerhouse during the 1600s-1800s and used to be a punkrocker, usually rockers are mentally tough and that man is extremely cunning and witty so...people drawing him as this useless baka uwu overly feminine anorexic boy that looks more like a tween rather than a 23 year old guy just assasinated his character in my opinion and it disturbs me but I am just some awkward human on the internet and no one values my opinion anyway because this is the internet and many people nowdays love to have hot takes and try to gain followers through clickbait stuff which sometimes goes out of control and everything just seems more fake and shallow to me, the more old I get.Okay that was my silly rant no one asked about but I feel really passionate about hetalia and Fruk/Ukfr. Anyway, I apologize again for my long rant and going all over the place, please enjoy this playlist

PLAYLIST WITH SONGS THAT REMIND ME OF FRUK/UKFR

1 - Halestorm - Bad romance - rock cover https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ll4NJs3NBIU

2 - Queen - Somebody to love - lyrics https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zj69iA_goIk

3 - ABBA - Voulez vous - (I know everyone chooses Waterloo and while waterloo is a fruk theme, I think Voulez vous works too) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwcgMVXuBJc

4 - London beat - I've been thinking about you - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixBryyQSrD8

5 - Santana - Smooth - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Whgn_iE5uc

6 - George Michael - Careless whisper - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izGwDsrQ1eQ

7 - Robbie Williams - Feel - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iy4mXZN1Zzk

8 - Michael Buble - Feeling good - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Edwsf-8F3sI

9 - Edith Piaf - La vie en rose - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFzViYkZAz4

10 - Chopin - Marriage d'amour (Spring waltz) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFJ7kDva7JE

11 - Vanessa Carlton - A thousand miles - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERw2LuU6Jj8

[therealsehinton]

do you hc emotional boundaries for jally? we're so like "dal'd do anything for johnnycakes uwu" but im sure they (esp johnny) don't cross certain lines so they don't manipulate the other. i know real couples can have blurred lines, but they can still be valid. i think stevepop, twodarry are good at finding theirs, but jally is hcd as really codependent. so: healthy relationship boundaries? is this making sense??? or do you think you've covered this?? idk puppy love got me really thinking of this

JALLY JALLY JALLY THANK YOU

okay so I literally reread puppy love to get an idea of what exactly inspired you to ask this so I know what mental track to get on. and I think I see where you're coming from. in that fic like quehebebs there was this moment where Dallas was making it pretty apparent that he didn't want a dog but Johnny said eunuwjiquwhw imma just quote it

okay so like that ties back to the whole "Dallas does anything for Johnny." and then I also have a line that says:

and theeennnn there's these sections

(quoting and analyzing my own fic is really weird and idk how I feel about it/lh)

so because you said that THIS is the fic that got you to ask you the question about boundaries, and you mentioned manipulation, I think I see where you're coming from.

I think it's pretty evident that Johnny, like, manipulated Dallas into keeping the dog. and when I say that like bwywheghe there's no need to blow up, this doesn't make anyone a bad person. people manipulate people everyday, and in the end manipulation can be harmless or good intentioned, essentially it's only bad if the other person is at risk of something: risk of being hurt--physically or emotionally, risk of being uncomfortable, ect

I think those are the rules Johnny functions by?? I think it's obvious to both Johnny and Dally in this moment that Johnny is being manipulative, like he's not hiding it--he's being overly affectionate, and using the big l words, and acting like a lil shit, ya dig??? and I think Johnny knows that Dallas wouldn't actually mind having a dog. it's a personal hc of mine that Dally actually likes pets and animals but pretends that he doesn't lol and of course only Johnny knows this about him

all in all, that fic is more like a harmless joke between them??? is the only way I can describe it. Dallas isn't seriously refusing Johnny's offer, Johnny isn't seriously forcing him to keep that dog, in the end if it would an actual, real topic they would be less lighthearted about it. and I think those are their boundaries

both of them are reserved and don't talk about their actual feelings or emotions often except to each other. i feel like they would think of their triggers and trauma as bothersome, so they never explicitly lay out any boundaries out of fear that might push each other away. but they're both very sensitive and receptive. i think they would piece together the kind of topics better to avoid after spending enough time together, if that makes sense???

like they know each other extremely well, they're very close, and they're well enough acquainted to know they're limits. neither of them would push each other's boundaries, it's a very tentative and hesitant relationship. they don't wanna force each other to do anything because the both of them have experienced toxic power dynamics in their life

but, I guess as shown in my fic, they can still joke around, you know??? like they understand their boundaries but they enjoy teasing each other and, I guess, they like to PRETEND that they push limits, if that makes sense??? idk how else to describe it

Dallas would do anything for Johnny, and Johnny knows that so he tries his best not to expect too much of him. they both understand how emotionally drained they may feel, with such similar backgrounds and trauma, and the fact that they both have crippling mental illness, so they make an effort to reach out to their friends often and build better relationships outside of their own

hmmmm that's all I got for now, sorry if it wasn't that good and yes I know it wasn't very articulate whwhhwhrf

[movedthechangingman]

everyone knows how i Feel about johnzee but i do think their relationship/break up is essential for their current n52/rebirth characterizations. this is all my opinion and you dont have to agree w me so dont jump up my ass but wow these two are so fucked up

... like im fascinated by how terrible things became and a lot of my unfinished writing is abt the Complicated emotions n all and i do have a playlist about why and how they need to be in therapy and far away from eachother until they can work their shit out

i make jokes about how they would have become the alpha couple if they stayed together/got married but lmao its not totally untrue... i listen to anything from tallahassee or the previous alpha couple songs and its. Oh Huh. i never have and never will doubt that john and zee love/loved eachother but it did canonically turn rotten and i dont think its just because of her dads death its just...

zee is not a good person neither is john and i 100% believe they bring out the worst in eachother, i know JLD52 is very questionable for characterization but the absolute nightmare of codependent love/hate they have for eachother. john states flat out that hes cruel to her on purpose so he doesnt have to admit that he cant get over her... we know as of jld18 that zatanna mindwiping other people is still canon and its a trick she pulls on john in his first new 52 solo. she uses her power to warp his moral compass (and it was confusing for me? but seemingly she made him forget she did it in the first place). she mentions again in JLD that she intends to wipe his knowledge of backwards magic.

zatanna is just.. naive when it comes to john. she gives him endless chances to do better by her and their allies. and he fails her... again and again and again. she says she’ll never trust him again... and immediately does. that weird alternate wish fulfillment reality where she grows old with him and then goes apeshit because “she cant live without him” while also knowing its never going to be the real john. she wants a love from him he can never give her. john cant be happy

and now in rebirth.. god to know hes (unwillingly) been manipulating her the whole time... and like. since we havent gotten a follow up zatanna is just left with questions. did zatara force him to seduce her? how much of their relationship was a lie? her dad who was everything to her but controlled every aspect of her life without her knowing it. not necessarily on topic but zatara sucks so much but also i think its worth noting circe + zataras team up as two like master manipulators in rebirth (circe w diana and zatara w john/zee)... hoping that gets some follow up eventually. zees crying of “tell me you planned it. tell me you and my dad had a trick up your sleeve” kiiiiiilled me. she cant trust anyone at this point. however also fucked up but zatara using magic to make sure john cant speak about/tell zatanna what he made him do is so fucked up also

anyway this is probably illegible but wow you two are so fucked up! go to therapy! also worth nothing john and zee are two my favourite characters of all time but wow they really do make eachother worse anytime romantic shit gets brought up and i think tynions general writing style of making everyone clinically depressed makes sense for them considering the entire thing

[dogbearinggifts]

compare and contrast: pre show allison is addicted to the convenience and control she has from using her powers all the time, pre vietnam klaus does everything he can to dull his powers including the developement of a life destroying narcotic addiction; by the end of the season one of them has lost their powers and the other has uncovered a whole new ability. they didnt have many interactions so what do you think they are like with each other?

Allison is probably very wary of Klaus. In their first scene together, she finds him going through Reginald’s study, looking for valuables or cash; when she calls attention to his rehab bracelet, he brushes her off and asks for her autograph. He plays it as a cutesy moment, but Allison’s apprehension makes it clear she doesn’t believe his request is entirely innocent. She’s apparently an A-lister, so her autograph would definitely fetch a high price, were Klaus to sell it—which would provide him with drugs for however long it takes him to breeze through that supply, or however long it takes him to overdose. Point is, she clearly knows about his drug problem, and she’s not interested in funding it. She’s not as blunt as Five or as ruthless as Diego in her refusal—she actually doesn’t refuse at all but just declines to answer his request—but she still wants no part in it. 

There are a couple possibilities regarding their history here. As an apparently wealthy film star, Allison probably would have been a prime target for Klaus to mooch off of. While we don’t know exactly where this unnamed city is located, we do know that it’s in a region that gets a fair bit of snow in the winter. Since Gerard Way is from New Jersey, I headcanon that the city is in New Jersey, or at least somewhere on the East Coast. That’s not the only region of the US that gets snow, not by far; but all of those regions are a fair distance away from Los Angeles. So maybe Klaus has asked to crash at her place for a while, and she’s brought up distance as a reason why that wouldn’t work. Or maybe she’s paid for a plane ticket before, watched him steal from her and bring shady characters into her home, and then paid to send him right back. Maybe she just sent him money at some point and fumed for weeks after he spent it all on drugs. Whatever the case, I think she knows Klaus will burn her if she gets too close, and so she keeps her distance. 

As for how Klaus is with Allison, I think he knows she’s not easy to manipulate. That could be why, instead of asking for money directly, he tries to charm her into giving him her autograph. Maybe he resents her for not helping him more; maybe he thinks in the back of his mind that he’s earned her scorn. Either way, he doesn’t push harder than he apparently thinks he can, turning on the charm rather than attempting to play to her pity. 

When it comes to powers, they really are opposites in more ways than one. Allison’s powers allow her to bend people to her whim with just a few words, which apparently leaves them with no memory of the incident. At the beginning of the season, Klaus’ seemingly only power makes him a magnet for the deceased who beg for or demand his help, crowding him and forcing him to listen to tale after grisly tale. Allison’s ability gives her power over people; Klaus’ initial ability gives (dead) people power over him. It makes sense, then, that Allison would exploit her ability to its fullest extent, while Klaus would do everything in his power to turn his off. Both want control over their lives; neither wants to be a victim. 

But as you pointed out, there’s a price—and that price, in both cases, is addiction. Allison probably doesn’t see her dependence on her power as an addiction; after all, she’s seen what addiction looks like in her brother, and what she has definitely isn’t that. Klaus’ addiction takes his money and his health, puts him at odds with law enforcement, and makes him a leech. Allison’s addiction brings her more money than she knows what to do with, allows her to take breaks whenever she needs them (“I heard a rumor I did it in one take”) has probably gotten her out of speeding tickets, and grants her independence. Klaus’ addiction is recognized by society as a serious problem, and while he’s not interested in seeking help at the beginning of the series, he has many options should he choose to take them. Workaholism and codependency might be the closest real-world analogues to Allison’s power abuse (she goes on making movies even in the midst of the scandal, and Rumors people into complying with her whims or liking her) and the former at least isn’t typically seen as an addiction. Codependency is seen as a problem, but not necessarily an addiction; and depending on who you talk to, workaholism might even be treated as something admirable. At best, substance addictions are increasingly seen as an illness that can be treated. At worst, workaholism and codependency are seen as deep personality flaws. I’m not saying that one addiction is worse or better than the other; I’m just pointing out that society has very different opinions regarding them and their treatment. 

Their arcs, too, foil each other. Allison begins with deep remorse for her power abuse, and has sworn off using it at the beginning of the series. She continues to abstain from it, although she still uses its source (her voice) to try and atone for what she did. It culminates in a confession that Vanya twists and throws back in her face; and Allison is finally robbed of her power when she attempts to use it in self-defense. Klaus, on the other hand, begins with no remorse for his drug habit, which he continues to indulge despite being thrust into a situation where the power he’s tried to shut off is actually useful and his addiction is used as a means to control him. He only changes his ways when he’s reminded that his power can help him see Dave again, and finally discovers a new ability that saves not only his life, but the lives of all his siblings. Allison’s attempted recovery from her power abuse ends in a “no good deed goes unpunished” situation; while Klaus’ first steps toward recovery are rewarded handsomely. 

You could argue that this is because Allison’s addiction hurt people and Klaus’ did not, but substance abuse does harm people close to the addict. I have an uncle who’s addicted, and while I won’t go into the details, the things this addiction has driven him to would be considered by any reasonable person to be abuse. Maybe Klaus didn’t set out to hurt people, but I don’t think Allison did either. They both looked out for themselves and their own interests first, and that led them each down a path that hurt those they loved. 

[mittensmorgul]

9.01, I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here.

Way to try and convince us through the title alone, Carver!

Poor Cas, rendered completely human, and yet still deceiving himself, only thinking of how he can help (and atone for his guilt over all of this, freshly intensified by his own ignorant complicity in Metatron's trials...). He fails to understand anything that's happening to him, and granted, it's gotta be disorienting being dropped on Earth as a human where his only remaining "angel" power is being able to hear angel radio (like Anna back in s4). He can't heal, or defend himself with his mojo, and he doesn't understand that he now needs to take care of himself human-style-- eating, drinking, sleeping, etc. But he does have a vague idea of how to go about those things, unlike the first angel he meets, who has only lost her wings and still retains the rest of her powers...

Dean warned him to take care of himself and trust no one (he's already had a run-in with another angel who informed him that every angel in Heaven blames Cas for the fall and are out for vengeance), and only to get himself to safety at the bunker despite his compulsive need to "help" and his trust in Hael that she really only needed to find her own way on Earth. Nope, he has that notion beat out of him with a stick (literally, Hael clocks him on the noggin with a plank of wood). He's then forced to kill her before she follows through on her threat to put Cas's location out on angel radio (which would spell his doom), or else she wanted Cas to say yes to possession by her as her vessel was already beginning to fail. She literally just wanted him for his meatsuit... and ick...

Which brings us to the second major deception in this episode-- everything that happens inside Sam's head. That's... not Dean or Bobby he's talking to in there. Sam only doubts the plan he literally completely makes up that he believes Dean is orchestrating in an attempt to save his life BECAUSE SAM HIMSELF HAS NO REAL KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT DEAN IS REALLY DOING. Think that through a couple of times. Everything that happens inside Sam's head is just... pieces of himself talking to each other, completely disconnected from reality, just as he was after having his soul reintegrated in 6.22, just as he was when he was detoxing from demon blood in 4.21. Even DEATH, we're not certain that was actually real, or just another manifestation of Sam's own mind. Regardless of if he's real or not, EVERYTHING we see happening in Sam's head is like witnessing him talk himself into giving up and choosing death. Which... because he's literally still filled with the magic left over from the trials that he was unable to actually let go in 8.23, we KNOW that has to be influencing his thought process, too... because the results of doing the trials was always going to be death, this is him giving into that evil spell...

which bring us to the thrid major deception in this episode: Gadreel. Gadreel interrupts Dean on his way to ask for Crowley's help in healing Sam, saving Dean from another angel intent on killing him for Cas's location. Dean now owes this guy at least that much, but Gadreel lies about his true identity THREE TIMES-- deflecting twice before finally giving a false name. But of course Dean only has Gadreel's current actions to judge his intentions by, and decides it's worth giving him a chance to heal Sam. Dean HAS NO IDEA how much Gadreel is actually manipulating him here, in everything but the strategic glimpse he gives Dean of what Sam's thinking, to the fact he literally uses Dean's face to manipulate Sam into saying yes... using Dean's own mind and thoughts to trick Sam into thinking he was talking to Dean and pressuring him into saying yes. The "there ain't no me if there ain't no you," WAS NOT DEAN TALKING TO SAM. IT WAS GADREEL LITERALLY USING DEAN'S FACE TO SAY THIS AND TRICK SAM INTO SAYING YES.

This is how horrific their codependency has become.

Meanwhile, Dean's now on the guilt train-- for failing to stop Cas from running off to Heaven, for failing to stop Sam from doing the trials before it got to that point, for letting Sam down, and for having been manipulated into letting an angel possess Sam in hopes of saving him now that said angel will only do so as long as Sam doesn't know the truth, putting Dean in The Worst Possible Spot... Once again, Dean feels the weight of everything on his shoulders alone, and he's forced to keep terrible secrets that will fester and cause so many more problems (including amping up his self-worlessness and self-hatred to epic levels)... aah, season 9, the year of burning it all down...

[blurhawaii]

Yuletide 2019

dear yuletide writer,

hello and happy yuletide! this is my fifth year taking part and my longest letter yet so i’m just going to jump right in. the suggestions are guidelines. if you’ve got a great idea, go for it. i only ask that you steer clear of my dislikes.

feel free to go through my tumblr for each of these fandoms. i should have tags for them, tho your mileage may vary. i might even have more stuff on my side blog: here. likes:

dysfunctional relationships eg. codependency, messed up father/son dynamics, enemies to lovers, power imbalances.

found family

big loyalty kink. love it when trust is earned and kept.

praise kink

vulnerability in men

open and honest communication between partners

i love ot3s. it’s the journey of them getting together and making it work that interests me the most. or how an established pair goes about bringing in a third person.

stories set in canon. or a divergence of canon.

dark/bleak fics. don’t be afraid to drag characters through the mud. happy endings are welcome but i like the struggle.

i’m fine with anything from gen to porn but would be happiest with something in the middle. i love first times.

canon typical violence is fine and to be expected from some of my choices of fandoms.

detective stories/film noir

magical realism/cosmic horror. weird hints of it in an otherwise normal universe

redemption arcs

characters and relationships are more important than plot for me

dislikes:

AUs that are completely disconnected from canon e.g. coffee shop AUs.

established relationships

crossovers

genderbending

feminisation of male characters

fics that are entirely fluff

A/B/O fics

PWP

mpreg 

scat/watersports

first person fics (i have no problem with second person fics tho if you think that could work. they really wow me when done well.)

The Departed (2006) *Billy Costigan             *Sean Dignam

one of my favourite films ever. i request it every year so you can't really go wrong with this as i am thirsty for anything. most of my love is for dignam and his tough love attitude towards his job and the undercovers he's responsible for. it's obvious he cares, i don't think you could do a job like that and not care, but those rare and few moments when he softens around billy --we need you, pal-- that's what i would like to see more of. i have written a couple of departed fics myself, centred around costigan/dignam, but in all honesty, i would be happy with anything involving them both. shipping is preferred but whatever you are comfortable with is fine. due to the nature of the film, i am perfectly comfortable with violence and the screwed up relationship they are bound to have. the friction born of the situation vs the fact that they need each other to get through this is what i am all about.

codependency, power imbalances and enemies to lovers tropes are abound here.

fics where billy lives are my usual go-to. the survivability of being shot in the head, that kind of stuff can be hand waved away in fic, and i'd love something that explores the angst of billy's ‘where the hell were you when i needed you’ reaction towards dignam following that ending.

or a canon divergence fic with their totally antagonistic relationship being front and centre. i just ask that there be an underlying level of affection, no matter how buried. when billy is undercover, there’s a special kind of relationship that comes with dignam and queenan being the only people he can talk to.

something i’ve never seen for this but would actually love: a time loop/groundhog day fic

Jurassic Park Original Trilogy (Movies)

*Sarah Harding                  *Ian Malcolm                  *Nick Van Owen

i originally wasn’t going to ask for this again this year (i was lucky enough to get treated with a fic a couple of years ago) but then someone other than myself nominated nick van owen which surprised and delighted me and i figured why the hell not.

my passion here is the ot3 potential. i view these three in the same way i view the trio in the first film, meaning i see them as three people who have bonded over a traumatic experience and come out of it forever linked in some way. they spend the entire film looking out for each other and keeping each other safe, and they all separately take care of ian’s daughter at one point and i am fascinated by this and how that could continue in the future. (in fact, i love stories where adults treat kids like adults, not talking down to them–see any shane black film.) i’m looking for an actual relationship between them but would be happy with anything that showcased a connection with every side of this triangle.

anything post-film with them dealing or not dealing with what happened would be amazing. there are quite a few fics based around this idea for the first film’s trio, i’d love to see something like that for these three. (i’ve always been kind of bitter about the way nick just disappears for the last act but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ that’s what fics are for, i guess.)

i don’t like the jurassic world films but i’m fine with fics that take that future into account. a lot of the trauma for these characters comes from the idea that the parks still exist and continue to fuck people up.

Godless (TV 2017)

*Roy Goode                 *Bill McNue                 *Alice Fletcher

i’m a massive fan of westerns. the harsh way of life, the violence, the isolation, drawn out revenge plots, the murkiness of good vs evil or sheriff vs anti-hero, the importance of honour and heroism and how that differs for men and women, especially in this universe with its town full of widows. having said all that, i’m still very much a sucker for cool cowboys in a shallow female way.

as you’ve probably already gathered my favourite thing is turning every love triangle into an ot3. so i’d love a fic post canon where roy comes back after realising found family is just as important as real family despite frank’s influence. i imagine bill would try to do the gentlemanly/self depreciating thing of bowing out and letting roy and alice be together but i’d love for alice to actually get a say in this where she wasn’t allowed in the show. however you jigsaw them together my main thing is that bill doesn’t get left out.

i feel the roy/bill aspect in particular could be explored a lot more. i love that they don’t hate each on sight. they learn mutual respect and then smoothly move around each other during the gunfight at the end. (bill’s deteriorating eyesight side plot also fascinates me, how it goes with his loss of purpose -”losing his shadow”- and comes back when teaming up with roy to defend the town. maybe there’s a fic possibility where it flares up again due to his insecurity of roy coming between him and alice. either way, the hints of magical realism here and with frank’s repeated insistence that he’s seen his death and this ain’t it are great and i wouldn’t mind seeing more of that.)

the usual ideas of western masculinity get all twisted around when roy and bill are in the presence of alice and they both seem kind of subby towards her, which yes please. the way alice kisses the scar she gave roy and the fact that he simply lets her is *chef kiss* because i also love the parallel that bill got shot in the hip trying to get revenge for alice. they all have scars that tie them together.

i’m actually very okay with letting them be soft with each other after all of their tragedy.

honest communication between partners could work wonders here.

Barry (TV 2018)

*Barry Berkman                     *Monroe Fuches

i expected to like this show. dark comedy, depressed hitman, henry winkler, it’s a perfect combination of things. i didn’t expect to get obsessed with barry’s obvious fucked up father-figure hangups. but hey ho, i was pleasantly surprised.

pretty much every one of barry’s relationships in this show has an element of fucked-upness but the barry/fuches one is by far the worst. it’s codependent, it’s manipulative, it’s a little abusive, the power is constantly flip-flopping and most importantly there’s the father/son dynamic that could so easily tip over into something sexual. it’s everything i love. any time fuches calls barry “his boy” it kills me. and i am fascinated by the way barry can go from needy and touch starved to a rampaging killer hunting fuches down by the end and still have that dynamic going strong.

the parallels between them and the barry/gene cousineau relationship, which is fucked up too just in a very different way, are great. love the jealousy it brings and i would even be into a fic set post the season 2 ending, if you could find a way to swing that. though, while i like a little darkness, i would still rather see them fall back into old unhealthy habits than kill each other.

any kind of prequel fic would be amazing too.

and just to be clear i’m more than okay with a sexual relationship between these two but if you don’t want to write it that’s fine. I’d just like all the other aspects of their shitty relationship delved into.

L.A. Confidential (1997)

*Bud White                         *Ed Exley

pretty much all of my bullet pointed likes come into play here. i’ve nominated two characters but i’d be happy with almost any combination of the characters available in the tagset as long as exley is involved in some way.

ships i like: bud/exley,  exley/vincennes,  bud/exley/lynn

but if we matched purely on both bud and exley then:

i love the opposites attract partnership bud and exley have and i like that they both seem angry at their attraction to each other. hate-sex with reluctant feelings? always good. i'd love anything that deals with their perceived difference in intellect and/or education. bud being turned-on by exley's smarts, exley realizing how much he's underestimated bud, them being mutually impressed by each other.

if you choose to go down the ot3 route then:

i love fics where exley shows up in arizona and they fall into weird domesticity. i love seeing how three people--especially three people who aren't used to the idea of poly relationships--work their way towards realizing and accepting what they want.

and while i’m not sure what you could do with this knowledge, i’d just like to add that i’ve read the book and i’m somewhat obsessed with the existence of dream-a-dreamland in general. if you could incorporate that in any way i’d be hugely impressed.

POKEMON Detective Pikachu (2019)

*Harry Goodman                        *Hide Yoshida

this is totally a last minute request that i’ve edited in but is by no means less wanted than the others. i watched this film back when it came out and was honestly surprised by how much i enjoyed it. i’m a massive pokemon fan and have been since i got my pokemon red when i was seven years old and, let me tell you, getting to see all those growlithes waddling about the real world was like a childhood dream come true.

i had a good time and i moved on.

a few days ago i stumbled on a piece of art : here : and it was like the little goblin that is my brain just sat up straight. the very concept of these characters together had never crossed my mind before that but then suddenly the desire for this just casually strolled through my entire headspace, turning on every light as it went.

i love detective stories, i love cop partnerships, i love hot single dads who happen to be cops with cute little pokemon cop partners. i love that harry is kind of a shitty father but he’s now trying his best. i love that hide had nothing but praise and respect for harry when he meets with tim and that he knew things like tim wanting to be a pokemon trainer when he was younger (meaning he and harry had talked about stuff like this.) i love that hide inexplicably has a spare key to harry’s apartment in his desk drawer. i love how absolutely certain hide was in saying harry loved his son more than anything in the world.

there’s history there is what i’m saying, and i’d love to know more about it.

anything set pre-film would be cool. loose cannon harry throwing his whole being into his job to deal with the loss of his wife and his fractured relationship with his son. hide the tired lieutenant trying to rein him in, quietly talking about tim together, keeping him grounded and safe. all up until he can’t, that is. (great angst potential with hide genuinely believing harry is dead.)

anything set post-film would be even better. harry struggling to find balance between being a father and a cop. probably doing a shitty job at it in the beginning. hide trying to help. would love for tim to be an actual presence (outsider POV could be amazing here.)

may sound strange but my favourite thing that used to happen in digimon a lot is when characters would interact with each other digimon partner. i would be massively into a fic about the two of them growing closer through each other’s pokemon partner.

thank you writer and best of luck.

[aliceslantern]

Beyond this Existence, Counterpoint, chapter 11

Summary:  After being recompleted, Ienzo vows to do everything in his power to atone for the atrocities he committed in the past. But this life hasn't been easy, and he's plagued with memories and nightmares. When Demyx suddenly reappears, the two discover that they have more in common than they thought, though the secrets in their past might tear them apart. Zemyx (Demyx/Ienzo), post kh3

Read it on FF.net/on AO3

---

It seemed to grow piercingly cold all at once. The next day they ended up having to go to the market for warmer clothing. Four days had passed, between sleep and trauma. Ienzo found himself dreading to return to the research, which was unusual. He wanted to help Sora, desperately, but at the same time, he’d been experiencing so much--good and bad--lately that he wasn’t sure he could have a clear head.

He would just have to try his best, and, if need be, ask for help. He’d finally started to make some progress, after all.

The day passed quickly and relatively peacefully. Ienzo did feel a lot better, no longer plagued by the headaches and dizziness that had no doubt been a result of sleep deprivation. His anxiety, too, was much more manageable, though he guessed this might be because he was spending so much time with Demyx.

Ienzo was in love.

As a teenage Nobody, he’d read some romance novels, mostly to try and gain some insight as to what this all meant in the world, especially for the Somebodies he’d been put in charge of observing or manipulating. He’d always found such descriptions of love melodramatic and overblown, lacking grounding in reality. Of course, the fact that most of these novels were written for heterosexual couples might change things too.

He felt the precise opposite of that dissociative, codependent infatuation. He’d hardly ever felt more awake, and more himself. Maybe that was why he was so afraid to leave the safety of this week. This stability and peace was so very tenuous.

Demyx helped him make dinner. He tried to take the instructions Ienzo gave him, he really did, but his knife cuts were not very clean or uniform. Ienzo couldn’t help but wonder how Demyx had been raised. With some things he was so practical and capable, but yet he couldn’t dice onions.

“Why’d you learn to cook?” Demyx asked him.

Ienzo checked the recipe. They were making a sort of bouillabaisse. He measured out a few different spices. “Perhaps you’ve noticed, but we apprentices tend to view our bodies more as vessels for the mind more than anything else. The meals I were raised on were nutritious, but bland. It frustrated me when I was younger, so I did research.” He shrugged. “It’s something I enjoy doing. Objective. Harmless.” It was the closest to artistry he could get.

Demyx pointed to the still-fading scar on his hand.

“ Largely harmless,” he corrected. “More so than my other research. Are those carrots ready?” That brought him, inevitably, to spiraling about Sora. He had to be careful. But wasn’t time of the essence? The more time Ienzo spent away from his work, the farther Sora was drifting from all of them. Ienzo reached over and corrected Demyx’s cuts before mixing them into the pot.

“Are you beating yourself up again?” Demyx asked. “We’ve talked about this.”

“You always ask questions about me. That doesn’t seem fair. Tell me more about you.”

He started slicing down the potatoes in front of him. “There’s not a whole lot to know,” he said. “You know about as much about me as I do.”

“...So you haven’t remembered anything else?” Demyx’s heart should be complete by now. This amnesia was concerning. Was it all trauma and repression? Or had Xehanort’s heart done more damage to him than they’d originally thought? But then Even’s memories should be scattered too, and by all accounts they weren’t. Worry tightened in his throat.

He sighed. “There is one thing,” he said. “Um, it’s kind of a doozy though.”

Ienzo looked up. Really it had only been a month or so since Demyx’s return. Did he just need time? “Pray tell.”

Demyx set down the knife.  “Well. Don’t freak out. But--”

Ansem’s voice broke the moment. “Oh, boys, that smells absolutely incredible.”

“Ienzo did all the work,” Demyx said without making eye contact. “I’m just moral support.”

“That’s not true. He’s trying,” Ienzo said. “It’ll be ready in about an hour. I hope you’ll be joining us?”

“I shall.” He paused slightly. “You look much improved. Perhaps I shall take a page out of Demyx’s book.”

“I am… feeling rather better.” This was the first time Ienzo had spoken to Ansem since he’d found out about the relationship. He couldn’t pretend it wasn’t awkward. It had been all too easy to avoid him, lest he feel the need to give his two cents, or worse, try to feign parenting. When it came to something this personal, he did not need unsolicited advice.

“And you were both able to find good things for winter?”

“Yeah. Thanks again,” Demyx said.

Ansem smiled. “Like I said, I wish for you to be comfortable here. Winters in Radiant Garden can be… bracing, if one is not used to it. I can feel it even now. Perhaps, Demyx, if you wouldn’t mind, you can help Aeleus light the boilers sometime in the next coming days?”

Demyx blinked. “I don’t know why I’d be the right one for the job.”

“He needs assistance. I’m afraid with all of us tied up in our work, and Dilan still acting as guard, we’re one pair of hands short.”

“I’m happy to help,” Demyx mumbled. He turned back to his potatoes.

Awkwardness aside, Ienzo wanted to ask about the state of the research. No doubt Ansem had been investigating as well. It took a great deal of restraint not to ask. The model's face, so alive, so like the real thing, flashed behind his eyes. He felt recovered, but that didn’t mean he was. Still, his hands trembled.

“I shall see you in an hour,” Ansem said.

“I’ll hold you to it,” Ienzo said. He added some thyme to the soup. “Well. What is it you wanted to tell me?”

“...Nothing. It can wait.” He smiled.

“So you’re happy to help,” Ienzo said. Flirting was new to him, but he liked it. A new and unexplored use of wit. “I can’t tell if you’re trying to talk up Master Ansem, or if I’ve been a good influence on you.”

He seemed to hesitate, but really only for a fraction of a second. “Neither. It really is cold as fuck in here!”

“I’m afraid even with the heating it doesn’t get much better. This place is very old, poorly insulated. You’d better brace yourself. Though admittedly… it occurs to to me there is one way to keep warm.” Before he could lose his nerve, Ienzo kissed him. Part of him wondered, briefly, if he was only doing this to distract himself; warmth and want chased off the anxiety. Humanity was so manipulable. He'd always wondered why.

“Ienzo!” Demyx gasped in surprise.

He felt his face warm. “When this week ends, we won’t have that much time together,” Ienzo said.

He brushed a finger against Ienzo's lip.  “I’m not going to let you overwork yourself like that again. You can’t get rid of me.”

“Is that a promise?”

Demyx kissed him back equally as deeply, pulling his fingers through his hair and trailing down to his throat. The only thing that interrupted them was the loud sloshing as the pot boiled over. Ienzo swore and dropped the burner’s heat to “low.” “Later?” Demyx asked.

Another surge of anticipation, stronger this time. “Later.”

After all that, dinner was a bit of a fiasco. The food came out alright, despite the cream overheating. The apprentices’ old hierarchy was still very much in place; thinking nothing of it, Demyx had sat next to Ienzo, not realizing it was Even’s place. Nobody really outwardly commented, though Dilan did smirk. He’d always been a glutton for drama. Seeing them all here, gathered together, Ienzo felt something akin to embarrassment. The truth of their relationship had already been revealed, but to have it acknowledged added a strange layer of tension to the air. This sort of thing had never happened before.

“I see you’re feeling well, Ienzo,” Even said sweetly. “What is it you’ve both done to keep yourselves busy?”

The impudence of this made the blood rise in his face, but Ienzo replied pleasantly, paring the truth down to something palatable and non-incriminating.

“I am sure we’re all glad to see you back in good health,” Even said to him. “I just hope that this new development does not cloud your judgement going forward. To be young and… caught up in such matters, can no doubt impede your critical thinking. However natural it is.”

Demyx’s eyes flashed, but he said nothing.

Ienzo set down the cup of tea he was drinking. “Clearly you have thought on the subject, and I appreciate your concern. But I feel as though I am just as able to take on my research as I ever were. Not that I have asked for your advice. Should you have more to say on the matter, please let us discuss it in private.”

Even turned faintly pink.

“You needn’t worry about me anymore,” Ienzo said, a bit more gently. “I… I’m not the little boy I was.”

Even shook his head. “I will always worry about you,” he said. “After all, I’ve so much time to make up for.”

After a rather pregnant silence, Demyx cleared his throat. “Anyone want seconds?”

They both did the dishes. Ienzo was extra cautious to make sure that no knives were lying around. They returned to his room, though the mood from before had been spoiled. Demyx sat on the bed.  Ienzo turned towards the window, looking out at the town wreathed in fading light. “I must apologize for Even. It was incredibly rude for him to be so suggestive.”

Demyx joined him. “Why? Everyone knows.”

“They used to be… quite protective of me,” he said, with a shake of his head.

“I think it’s nice they care so much about you.”

“They don’t… dislike you,” he said. He flinched at the double negative.

“They think I'm not good enough for you. And they're right."

Ienzo took his hand and sat down next to him. “I don’t think you understand the impact you’ve had on me,” he said quietly. “If it were not for you, I’d still be there, miserable and working myself to death, unable to find any value in myself aside from needing to atone. I… I know the mistakes I made cannot be undone, but I… I’m better. Destroying myself isn’t going to fix what I did. You’ve… brought me back to reality. And if they don’t realize that, then they’re worse off. I wish they could see what I see in you. Your kindness, your patience, your emotional intelligence.”

Demyx shook his head.

“Healing is a slow, tedious, constant process. You can’t allow yourself to get caught up in moments like these. They don’t matter.” He touched Demyx’s face. “You do. We do.”

Demyx blushed. “I didn’t realize you were such a romantic,” he said.

“I… still have a few things to learn.” He kissed him gently.

Intimacy was still new and shocking to him, though at least he had somewhat of an idea of what to expect. Ienzo didn’t want to be so passive this time. He pulled his legs around Demyx’s waist and kissed him along the throat, along the soft spot that always made he himself feel weak. Demyx responded by pulling him down on top of him.

"I admit," Ienzo whispered. "All of this is... very new to me still. But I think I'm starting to understand."

Ienzo wondered if he should tell him, if he should say it out loud. But he had to know already. Everything he’d just said meant ten times more. He felt Demyx reach for the buttons of his pants and figured maybe now was not the time for talking. Clothing having been dealt with, Ienzo touched him, rivers of veins and muscle and bone, and scars. He kissed them and found that he’d been right about it also being pleasurable for Demyx, if the reaction he felt meant anything. He could feel it too, heavy and delicious and impermanent. To a degree, what Even said about this muddying thought was completely accurate. But was it such a sin to try and stop thinking for a few moments? The hand he'd been propping himself up with tightened against the sheets. "I want to..." Ienzo's voice sounded strange, a little like someone else's. "I want to do this for you. I--" His experience with such frustration was minimal, but he couldn't imagine it was easy.

He bit his lip a little and brushed Ienzo's hair out of his eyes. "If you're not ready--"

His face burned feverishly. He could only imagine how ridiculous he must look. "I am ready. And I want to. I just... I'm not, technically speaking, sure how?" He should probably try it on himself one of these days, if only to know the difference in sensation, but the thought was so jarring he pushed it away.

Demyx laughed a little. "Do you remember what I did to you?"

He nodded. The memory of it almost made him gasp out loud.

"Something like that."

He smiled shakily. "This isn't really something you read about in books."

"I guess it wouldn't be."

This shouldn't be difficult. He wanted to do it, to make him feel good as well. Yet finding the nerve took some time. Ienzo kissed him. He tried to will the trembling in his hands to stop. His hand brushed against Demyx's waist and hip and thigh. The scarred skin was warm. Demyx kissed him harder, his hand tangling in Ienzo's hair. This distraction was enough for him to touch his (what was it called in such moments? Wasn't "penis" too medical?) dick. The skin there was softer than he though, more natural. At least it was somewhat familiar in terms of structure. He stroked it gently and heard a small sound catch in Demyx's throat.

Ienzo pulled away from the kiss. "Was that alright?"

He nodded, unable to catch his breath. "Just a little bit more towards the--"

He tried to oblige. There was a sort of pleasure in doing this. He felt Demyx start to touch him too and tried to copy that. The awkward self-consciousness began to fade, replaced with the same lovely thoughtlessness as before. It was amazing that the body was capable of such pure joy. Little waves of it broke over him, heightening the tension within. He wove the trust and love into his touch and felt the same in return. The vulnerability did not feel so much like a weakness as a strength. It was okay. The rising, tightening feeling in him was recognizable now. He tried briefly to hold it back, but the need for release was just too tempting. He heard Demyx gasp as he came against him.

“I see,” Ienzo said softly, pressing a kiss into his sweaty brow. “It really is simpler than I thought.” The stress had been for naught.

Demyx lay back. “I swear this is not indicative of how long I usually last.”

Ienzo laughed. He shifted off of him, onto his side. “So do you feel better?”

“ So much better.”

He did too. The utter lack of anxiety was intoxicating. “I’ll keep that in mind.” He leaned against him. “You’ve been so patient with me.”

“It wasn’t all for you. Everything feels so different than it normally does. Plus I… I’m not used to the emotional part of it.”

“The sense of connection is… certainly unique. If I’ve learned anything, emotions are always capable of becoming more overwhelming. No matter their strength.”

Demyx hummed in response. For few minutes, or however long they remained knotted up together, he felt perfectly at peace. If there was anything to worry about, there was a later in which to do it.

“What the hell is that?” Demyx asked.

“My gummiphone. Though I have no idea who would be calling.” He got up and pulled on a robe, then reached into his lab coat pocket for the phone. “I’m sorry. I have to see who it is. Hello?”

“Ienzo? Are you busy?” Roxas’s voice, garbled.

“No, I’m not. What is it?”

It was hard to tell exactly what he was saying. Something about “worldlines.” Anxiety, or panic, made Roxas speak quickly.

“Slow down. The signal is not very good.”

“Are there universes other than this one? Like parallel universes? Xehanort mentioned something about worldlines but when I tried to ask Ansem about it he didn’t answer.”

That was so like Ansem. He probably hadn’t even heard the phone ring. “Well I do suppose it’s possible but I’ve had no insight this past week as to what he’s been up to, I fell ill and was resting--” He only knew about the Worldlines Theory vaporously--because it was just that, theory.

“Are you sick?”

“No, I’m alright now. And yourself? You sound distressed.”

“I mean I think I am? And then Riku went over to Yen Sid to ask more about it, and well, he said it’s possible, especially with the power of waking. They said Sora broke the rules of the power and walked between worlds. So they think that, if he’s done that, he’s in another worldline. Ienzo, do you know anything?”

Yes. Yes, it was all making sense. How had he not even taking the power of waking into account? He’d assumed it had all to do with hearts. He’d been wrong. “I understand,” he said woodenly. “I’m afraid if that’s the situation then… I’ll try my best, but you must realize the prognosis is not good.”

“Can you check in your research? See if anyone knows anything?”

“Yes, I’ll let you know. Try and take care.” He hung up. His mind was spinning but no good thoughts came from it. He sat down on the bed.

“What happened?” Demyx asked. “Who was that?”

“It was Roxas. They think Riku’s got a lock on Sora’s location.”

“But isn’t that… good? Then why are you both upset?”

Ienzo was wringing his hands. “Because he’s not in this reality. We’ve no way to get him back. Wherever he is… he’s there, alone. And there’s nothing we can do about it.”

[xtattlecrimex-blog]

Why Bryan Fuller’s Tweets are NOT Canon

Canon vs Fanon is a big debate these days. Now, I’m going to point out some things. I’m in my 30s and for most of my life I’ve wanted to be a writer. For most of my life the definition of canon was very universal and solid. The definition being the written word of the finalized draft of something. Either a movie script or a manuscript. Something that’s set in stone because it’s in a final draft and there’s a hard copy of it. This is essentially the bible and the work of the author that states what is factual to their universe and what isn’t. Then one day, some idiot named JK Rowling decided that she didn’t like this and made one of her characters gay out of nowhere. That’s when it all changed. Now, despite my opinions on the actual Harry Potter books, I really, actually hate JK Rowling and what she’s turned the series into. The problem is that she’s a rich, white, billionaire so now she’s allowed to make the rules, even if she literally is only making them to earn virtue points from idiot SJWs. The thing here is, that canon was nothing like this before she came along and many people, millions, entirely disagree with what she did or is trying to do.

Then Bryan Fuller did it with Hannigram. He failed to show any type of romance or love between Hannibal Lecter and Will Graham in his show. The show he created and had completely control over. What he actually showed on screen and what was in the scripts, is that, well Hannibal was abusing Will. Manipulating him into a codependent relationship via gaslighting until Will felt that he couldn’t live without Hannibal anymore. This isn’t romance or love, this is abuse, plain and simple. I’m not really complaining about that because it makes for a good story and a good plot. What I’m complaining about is that Bryan Fuller will also try to say that Hannigram, as the romantic pairing, is canon. The fannibals will point to a couple tweets he made saying that it’s canon, trying to set it in stone. It doesn’t work that way though. It never should and it never will.

If that aspect of their relationship was that important to set in stone, the one man who had all the power in the world to do it, was Bryan Fuller. The one man who didn’t do that at all, was Bryan Fuller. If you need to be able to understand a show by also following the creator on Twitter, then it’s not a good show. So on and so forth. If what Bryan Fuller actually wanted to do was show a romantic love between Will and Hannibal he had every chance to do so but he didn’t. That’s not what happened, no amount of tweeting can change it. End of the story. Period. Though there are weird lines in the show that the fannibals will twist into having their own meanings to “prove” Will loved Hannibal (or Hannibal loved Will) it certainly wasn’t something that was shown on screen or stated in dialogue.

The closest instance of this weird word bending they will do is when Will asks Bedelia if Hannibal loves him. This isn’t Will saying he loves Hannibal, at all this is asking a question. If you believe, in real life, that someone has a crush on you, and you ask “is such and such person in love with me” that doesn’t denote your own feelings about them either way. It was also established through out the show that Will felt trapped and burdened by Hannibal. He certainly didn’t love the guy enough to not get married and try to move on with his life. He avoided even seeing Hannibal for YEARS after he was put in prison. How much was Will actually in love with a guy he so easily gave up after his incarceration (and never wanted to go back to see until he was forced?). None of the behavior in the show denotes love or romance between the two men. Bryan Fuller did not put it in the show despite having the control to do so.

Bryan Fuller does not have the power to change canon through tweets. Fannibals do not have the power to change canon through fan fiction they write or willfully misinterpreting quotes from the show. At the end of the fay, Hannigram is fanon, not canon. The little annoying Hannigram shippers need to learn to accept that and move on with their lives.

[shadehunters]

hi! Thanks for answering the Sh/atter M/e question! Definitely agree with you on the Wa/rner/Juli/ette thing. My mind was amazed at the end of Re/store M/e, and I'm kind of hoping for War/ner and Jul/iette to not be a couple because I just don't see it happening. I get it its a dystopia, but a dude who has killed a bunch of people and kept Juli/ette prisoner? yeah, ill pass on the romance in this one.

Also remember how he made her think she was hurting a baby as she had to weave through that training maze in book 1? And then later when she was furious over him for it he was like “oh the baby wasn’t real i just made you think that”? That was fucked up.

I mean close to the end of the book Warner had become more interesting to me as a morally gray character, but as a love interest I don’t think he’s a good or healthy match. He emotionally and psychologically manipulated Juliette for a good chunk of the first book and I think that the way he views her is super unhealthy. He’s like kinda dependent on her and the sheer amount of times he said something along the lines of “i’ll die without you” definitely rubbed me the wrong way. 

Like I get what Tahereh Mafi was going for with W/arnette and like #respect but you cant make a morally gray power couple if their beginning is so toxic and codependent-y. 

That being said thanks for taking the time to message anon!

[thezodiaczone]

June Forecast for Leo

Get out and connect, Leo. The Sun is soaring through Gemini and your eleventh house of group action until June 21, putting you in social and collective spirits. As collaborations heat up, look for synergies in your circle and ask mutual friends to make helpful introductions. Lions are communal creatures, so make like your astrological animal and band together so everyone thrives. While last month had a more serious, goal-focused energy, this one is more about letting possibilities unfold. Keep your eye on your big-picture mission, but don’t lead every conversation with an agenda. Otherwise, you’ll miss out on valuable input from friends, colleagues and even perfect strangers. Hold a curious, open mind—and see what that attracts!

The June 13 Gemini new moon is an especially strong day to network and join your superpowers with an eclectic crew. Group endeavors will develop between now and the corresponding November 23 Gemini full moon. Don’t limit yourself to in-person alliances, Leo. The eleventh house rules technology, making this lunar launch pad a great day to make an online debut or to start the digital component of a project. Anything with a humanitarian or socially aware mission gets bonus points from this #woke new moon.

Father’s Day is June 17, and the Leo moon will inspire a spirit of novelty. If you’re celebrating favorite father figures, do something different than the usual barbecue or obligatory Hallmark-card-and-wallet gift. (A handwritten letter expressing genuine love and gratitude, on the other hand, gets the green light!) Take the reins and organize a fun experience, like going to a live show, a sports game or a movie. But watch out for a frisson of friction from a Venus-Mars opposition that’s building steam that day. With combative Mars in your interpersonal zone, some people may have their own strong opinions on how to spend the holiday. Compromise, but push back if needed. With the moon in your assertive first house, you’re the best person to steer this ship.

The rest of the month takes a different tone as Neptune and Mars turn retrograde, bringing the total retrograde planet count to five. (Jupiter, Saturn and Pluto are already in their slowed-down cycles.) This time is better used for reflection and behind-the-scenes planning than forcing things to move ahead at your usual warp speed.

You’ll be glad to ease into a gentler vibe starting June 21, when the Sun downshifts into Cancer and your restful twelfth house until July 22. This is a time for closure, healing and some extra shuteye as you process the previous 12 months and prepare for a fresh start with Leo season (and your birthday!). Take those vacation days, escape to the beach or get lost in a creative project—your flowy and receptive side is dialed up to its highest setting. Reach out for support if you’re going through a tough time or struggling to finish a difficult project. All month long, really, teamwork and a “one for all, all for one” attitude is your saving grace. ‘Tis NOT nobler to suffer and sacrifice, Leo.

Now, back to this month’s retrogrades. As hazy Neptune and combative Mars both make U-turns, the cosmos could call for some relationship repair work. Both planets will do an about-face in the committed partnership parts of your chart, Neptune from June 18 to November 24, and Mars from June 26 to August 27. You could spend a good part of the summer hashing out differences, working through interpersonal conflicts or negotiating the terms of detailed contracts. Everything from shared money to sex to business partnerships may be up for review. An old love interest could resurface (tempting you mightily), or you might have to deal with past relationship issues that you thought you’d resolved.

Neptune’s five-month backspin through Pisces will emphasize on your eighth house of merging, intimacy and shared resources. The nebulous planet makes this U-turn at approximately the same dates each year, and for the eighth summer in a row, you may have to sort through emotional confusion or “it’s complicated”-style entanglements. Guilt and passive-aggressive manipulation may figure in—for example, maybe you’ve lent a partner a significant chunk of money, but YOU “feel bad” asking for repayment.

Be careful with real estate purchases; foggy Neptune retrograde in your property sector can cloud your judgment. Neptune is related to waterworks and plumbing, so if you’re house hunting, check the pipes as well as ANY area that could have mold or water damage. If you’re selling, try some of vibe-y Neptune’s spiritual and artistic techniques, like Feng Shui and home staging to shift the energy. And if you’re moving or renting, screen potential roommates (and nearby neighbors), as your energy might not mesh as well as you initially think. The key to surviving Neptune retrograde is clarity. Spell out all terms before agreeing to anything…and don’t second-guess yourself or apologize when you do.

On June 26, brazen Mars will join the retrograde brigade, downshifting until August 27. Mars will spend most of this cycle in your opposite sign of Aquarius, ratcheting up tension in your seventh house of relationships. A bond that’s been developing since mid-May could hit a stumbling block. Contentious Mars can put you at loggerheads with a close tie, and the retrograde only makes it harder to sort through conflict. If you’re parting ways, either romantically or professionally, try to retract those claws, Lion—otherwise, fur could fly!

The drama gets put in check over the next couple days as more practical matters take precedence. On June 27, the annual Sun-Saturn opposition touches down in your health and healing sectors. Allowing someone to push your buttons only hurts YOU in the end. If you stoop to their level, it makes you no better. While it’s hard to take the high ground, boundaries may be in order with a person who’s constantly triggering you. Stern Saturn reminds you that “adulting” means being responsible for your own actions and letting others deal with the consequences of theirs. Cut those codependent cords and stop making excuses for people’s bad behavior.

Your wellness is also in the spotlight, especially on June 28, when the year’s only Capricorn full moon illuminates your sixth house of health, organization and service. If you’ve had a nagging condition, this day could bring some answers (and hopefully a remedy). Stress you’ve been tamping down could reach a boiling point.

Do you need to delegate? The sixth house rules helpful people, so look at what you can outsource instead if doing it all yourself. With structured Saturn hovering nearby, it’s time to prioritize and plan instead of biting off more than you (yes, even you) can humanly handle. Remember that “No” is a complete sentence and employ it liberally as June comes to a close. That way, you can say yes to the things that resonate with your soul. Sometimes, Leo, less really is more.

Love & Romance

With vivacious Venus hunkered down in Cancer and your fantasy-fueled twelfth house until June 13, you might not be seeing a person or a situation through a clear lens. But while your imagination is this active, use it to spin a little enchantment back into your love life. This is a fruitful cycle for doing creative visualizations about an ideal partner or more passionate relationship. Note: You may have to repeatedly remind yourself of the difference between a sweet dream and reality. If someone promises one thing but doesn’t come through, resist the temptation to make excuses for them.

Meanwhile, the other love planet, Mars, is turning up the heat in Aquarius and your partnership realm from May 16 to August 12. If you’re single, this can give you the wherewithal to get back up on the horse that threw you—or check out a new stable. Couples may decide to join a sports league or do more outdoorsy things together. But when Mars turns retrograde for two months on June 26 (until August 27), you might need to rein in a wild stallion, or reconsider a connection that’s not turning out the way you’d hoped. Of course, if it’s just a momentary hiccup, waste no time reconciling—and enjoying some torrid makeup sex.

On June 13, Venus will blaze into your sign until July 9, sparking your mojo but also making you crave a little more independence. After three weeks in moody Cancer, the moon in larger-than-life Leo can help you disengage from someone’s life and refocus on your own.

Watch for a few “course corrections” in the second half of the month as Venus butts heads with some planetary bigshots. On June 14, she squares Uranus in steadfast Taurus, which could set off an epic battle of the wills. On June 21, the cosmic lovebirds oppose each other, which may ignite some ego or control issues. Finally, on June 25, Venus clashes with expansive Jupiter in your home zone. You may have to clip your own wings and pay more attention to your mate or others who’ve missed you—and are making no bones about letting you know!

Key Dates

June 5: Venus-Pluto Opposition You could experience some confusion about a love interest’s trustworthiness today. Are they behaving badly, or are you imagining it? You don’t want to get burned, but neither do you want to risk projecting your own issues onto someone who’s innocent. Stop blaming others for your own risky choices. Owning your mistakes—or misjudgments—gives you power.

Money & Career

Network like a boss, Leo! The Sun is in Gemini and your vivacious eleventh house of teamwork and technology until June 21. Chatty Mercury is there, too, until June 12, lending you charm and wit in any meeting or social setting. Take advantage of this period to up your social media game and pitch your best ideas, especially at the June 13 Gemini new moon. Online projects get a special boost now.

Partnerships could heat up fast, so don’t be surprised if you go from cocktails to contracts in short order! Someone you meet at an industry event might turn out to be the missing link—or so it seems. But because impatient Mars gives the tendency to rush, explore thoroughly before signing on the dotted line. The red planet will turn retrograde from June 26 to August 27, which could bring delays or reveal a few dodgy details you overlooked in your enthusiasm.

With five planets retrograde by the end of the month (Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune AND Pluto), the summer slowdown will be legitimately on. Press pause and correct course on any areas that are off-kilter or moving too fast. Better to retrace your steps now than have to fix a big mess later. The June 28 full moon in your administrative sixth house can help you make a detailed master plan. You could hire or fire people on Team Leo, implement a new scheduling system or do a major decluttering. Clear away the old and watch the energy start flowing again.

Key Dates

June 27: Sun-Saturn Opposition You can’t build a house on a shaky foundation, and this cosmic face-off will reveal the cracks in your structure. Wishful thinking won’t cut it—you may have to rebuild from the ground up. Saturn helps you slow down and take the reality check you missed before. Even if this day brings a humbling moment, keep your chin up and carry on with grace.

Love Days: 26, 4 Money Days: 11, 19 Luck Days: 8, 17 Off Days: 15, 29, 6

[becoming-human]

okay oc brainrot let's go off. this is knight/lady ocs. word v*mit from what ive been thinking about for the past couple days in the format of bullet points. usually i do this in the notes app but i have a candle going SO main character moment. what the fuck am i even saying. right codependent lesbians

okay. knight has been trained from a very young age to be the lady's personal bodyguard and helper. probably didn't have much in the way of family before this. certainly doesn't remember any and has no interest in learning--her "family" [aka the people she is willingly loyal to] is the royal family and the ppl in the castle. she has been groomed and doesn't really question her place.

lady has also been groomed in her own way re: knighthood. it's very important traditionally and she doesn't even attempt to imagine life without the knight/lady relationship because it would be ridiculous lmao. at age five you get your knight. at age five they take the pledge. it's literally just another facet of royal life.

thinking in an rpg setting the knight would be a paladin. their oath would be taken at age five, potentially in a religious setting [we'll get to why]. it is an incredibly rare and high honor to be a lady's knight.

thankfully the knight and the lady hit it off right away. they get along great. no hard feelings, no manipulation, no enemies to friends between the two. only important details:

the knight always puts her duty as a knight before her feelings for the lady, friendship or otherwise. She Is A Knight. her job is to serve and protect the lady. she knows that she can never be fully friends with the lady and thus makes sure a professional boundary is maintained (at least in her mind). it's not something she has to remind herself of, it just /is/. [EMPHASIS: this is not sad. the knight is not sad about this.]

the lady is privilidged and mostly unaware of the professional wall between the two of them. she knows the oath and she knows the rules, but as far as she is concerned the knight is her best friend and the feeling is reciprocated wholeheartedly. she doesn't realize that the power she holds over the knight doesn't just go away because they're friends. she also is used to using that power subconsciously--she knows both in her conscious mind and unconscious mind that the knight will always be there for her and do whatever she asks because the knight always has. she never uses it to do morally dubious or dehumanizing things (which in her mind makes the dynamic okay). she doesn't realize just how much the dynamic has affected the knight's personhood.

they ARE besties (to the best of their abilities). the knight follows and helps with all of the lady's silly little princess shenanigans and enjoys herself. many late-night castle sneakouts. as long as the knight is doing it to protect the princess (who she knows is stubborn and wouldn't take well to getting snitched on) she figures it's okay. the princess looks forward to all the time she spends with her best friend the knight. they're inseparable.

something something princess and knight leave the castle. don't know why. join a party. they're late teens early twenties at this point probably. 18-19? end up joining a party. princess wants to not be known as a princess but the knight still very obviously acts as her bodyguard first and foremost so everyone guesses pretty easily she's someone important

[this point forward will be mostly with the mindset of rpgs bc that is how my brain was wired at the time of thinking but can easily be translated to other mediums]

get into a couple skirmishes. the princess was never dainty--she was always ready and willing to kill a bitch if necessary. usually it was the knight holding her back instead of taking a bullet. now, without the castle and manners and consequences hanging over both of their heads, the princess comes into her own fighting-wise. the knight always moves to stand in front and protect her if she is in danger, and she used to always instinctively move back to be protected. that was how they were both trained. about five skirmishes into their new life, the knight notices that the princess moves forward instead of back now. this makes the knight nervous--just because they're no longer on monarchy land doesn't mean her oath to protect the princess is any less valid, and the princess's newfound fighting confidence will make her job a lot harder. (she is very proud though, on a personal level. it's just that she is not a person, she is a knight, and her duty comes first).

the knight doesn't directly mention this. she cares about her princess and doesn't want her princess to feel like she is not happy for her or proud of her. it's a difficult situation. she tries to handle it on the down-low, without direct communication. (great idea!) she starts compensating for the princess's new bravery in battle by rushing in early and taking heavy hits. if she can focus the enemy on herself they won't focus on her princess. makes sense. the princess has never really seemed to notice before so she probably won't now, right?

the princess definitely notices. she sees her best friend getting hit harder and acting more selflessly in battle to the point where it seems she has no regard for her own personal safety at all. finally, the princess calls her out on it. you know i can handle myself, right? you need to protect yourself before me.

my lady, i'm just fulfilling my duty.

we're not at the castle anymore. all of that is irrelevant now.

no, it's not? it's my entire being. my oath doesn't just go away because we're in a different location.

okay, fine. you're right. [odd for the princess, who is well known for being a stubborn pain in the ass] can you just be more careful, please?

......only if you be more careful, too.

this arrangement doesn't last for very long. as one can imagine. the princess is quickly realizing that the dynamic she has cultivated over the years is not a healthy one, and that the mindset the knight has been taught is both dangerous and incredibly unfair. she cares for her knight deeply and is incredibly upset that she didn't realize her hand in the grooming [whether intentional or not] sooner.

she tries to casually bring it up with her knight but every time is shot down by that Professional Wall (TM).

they get distracted with other things as per rpgs, but this is their dynamic for a large part. the knight is loyal to her oath and the princess is loyal to her knight's personhood. they go back and forth.

the rest of the party, meanwhile, has picked up on this back and forth tension. the knight, while originally hesitant to be vulnerable and break down the professional bodyguard wall, has since caved and accepted the rest of her party as her first true friends. there are certain members of the party whose opinions she trusts, and who she turns to if she needs help.

[side note: neither the princess nor the knight were cold or standoffish during their original meetings with the party. the princess was eager to make new friends and kick ass, and the knight was along for the ride as a friendly chaperone. the princess opened up first (probably within the first few weeks), but it for sure took a few months for the knight to break the friendly-in-a-distant-way facade. she had never really been given the opportunity to have friends besides the princess before]

the party is also on board with breaking the training/grooming. they're all hinting it. the knight stands strong (mostly she just pretends to be oblivious to their hints about her individuality and personhood), but it's starting to wear her down. she is, against her better judgement, starting to consider who she is. this is incredibly frightening, and, even worse, a distraction from her duty. if the knight becomes too preoccupied with questioning, she could lose her princess for good. she cannot have that--not after everything she's sacrificed, not after everything she's been through. the idea that giving up her personhood actually was not necessary is starting to weigh heavily on her mind. she tries to push it away. she acts even more overprotective in battle to compensate.

the princess, in turn, is trying her best to protect her knight in battle (who has lost any sense of self-preservation she had beyond "don't die", and even "don't die" is based solely around "who will protect her if i am not there"). you can see where this is going, i'm sure. she is protecting her knight, which in turn causes her knight to protect her, which causes her to protect her knight, etc. etc. they're creating an entirely different toxic cycle.

everything comes to a head--knight makes a decision in battle to protect the princess that would have killed her if the princess hadn't stepped in. the princess calls her out directly, saying that the knight has to learn how to love and respect herself and put herself first.

but it's my duty to--

i couldn't give two shits about your duty! you almost died! do you understand that? do you care?

when i agreed to this--when i swore my oath--i knew what i was signing up for. i thought you did too. does my promise mean nothing to you?

we were five years old! five! we had no idea what the real world was like.

that may be true, but does it really make a difference? i could have been five or thirty and done the oath and it would still be the same. my duty is to protect you. you are my life.

i shouldn't be! what about your life? what about your protection?

my protection is irrelevant. my life is yours. what's not clicking?

that's so fucked--

i gave you my body and my soul willingly. if you claim to care about it so deeply then why are you throwing it away?

throwing it away? seriously? after the shit you just pulled, i am the one that's throwing away your life? listen to yourself.

if i died in there, it would have been for a good reason. it would have mattered. my duty would have been fulfilled. this is how it's always been, i don't see why you're suddenly fighting it now--

because it's fucked! because you are a person too! how can you not see that?

listen to me. i am yours. i live for you, i die for you. i pledged myself to you in front of gods and men, and that will not change no matter how you feel about the subject. [....] please don't make this harder than it has to be.

[...] i can't.

can't what?

i can't--i can't do this. i can't watch you do this. i'm breaking the oath.

i--what?

you fucking heard me. i rescind it. you are no longer bound to me.

you can't....you can't do that.

yes, i can. i just fucking did.

no, i mean you literally cannot do that and have it mean anything. that's not how it works.

well then how does it wo--you know what. you're not going to tell me.

i would if you asked. it's my duty. falls under the "help in any way you can" category.

no. stop. i'll fucking--i'll figure it out myself. [...] go get yourself cleaned up. [...] that wasn't a fucking order, do what you want.

the rest of the party is just. popcorn staring. knight offers to take first watch as princess makes a tactful retreat into the tent.

princess doesn't have the first clue where to get info quickly. she tries messaging everyone she knows outside of the kingdom, but that's not a whole lot of people. eventually she gives up for the night, blows out her candle, and lies awake in the dark.

knight takes first watch. she sits and Thinks about everything the princess said. it's incredibly hard to think about. the ideas the princess presented are unheard of, unthinkable, ridiculous--and, most importantly, terrifying.

end of watch: Respected Member of Party offers to take over. knight asks if princess is okay. party member says she fell asleep (a lie, they're plotting), and then suggests quite simply, "you should talk to her". knight shuffles, says the situation is complicated and nuanced. party member says learning about yourself is frightening but it's easier with help. knight doesn't respond but internalizes it. goes to the tent she shares with the princess to start cleaning up and getting ready for bed.

Oh, No! This Injury Is In A Hard To Reach Place, If Only There Was Someone--

do you need help?

oh! i'm sorry, i didn't mean to wake you.

i was already awake. do you need help with that?

no, i--i got it, thank you though. go back to sleep.

i was already awake.

i've dealt with worse, i can do this by myself.

you don't have to.

[...] okay, sure. yeah.

cool. just--right here?

yeah.

all right.

[...] have you...done this before?

[very obviously no] bandaged a wound? oh, yeah, tons.

right, yeah. sure.

i've been so reckless lately, so in danger, so in need of saving i had to learn how to do it--

okay. okay, i get it. ow! i get it.

oh shit did i--

--no you're fine--

-sorry, sorry. sorry. [...] i'm sorry.

no, it's fine. it barely hurt.

not just for that.

oh. [...] it's all right. your anger is....[defeat] justified.

hmm. i still....i shouldn't have yelled. it's not your fault.

[......] you have to, um. you have to sterilize it before you--

--right, yes, i know that--

right, of course. sorry.

[....] i just...i get scared. you mean a lot to me. i wish you were more careful with yourself.

i....

[without any real malice] i swear to god, if you say the word "duty"--

no, i--heh. duty.

what?

duty. you said doody.

oh my god....

sorry.

oh my god, you are ridiculous. i'm trying to have a serious conversation with you an--

sorry, i, um. it was a silly joke. i'm tired.

no, it's funny. i laughed. [...] dooty. jesus.

[...] looks good. thank you.

of course. and, hey, if you need it again, you can come to me--clearly i need the practice.

no, actually, this is--this is pretty good.

really?

[no. she'll probably have to redo it] yeah. feels great.

oh. cool.

[...] i--can i see your hand for a moment?

...sure.

[the knight very carefully takes the princess's hand like it's something made of clouds. she cups it in her own, not making eye contact] i....what you said.....what you've been saying. i don't really....fuck, how do i say this.

it's okay.

i don't. hmmm. i have never, once, in my entire waking life, put myself before you. i don't know who i am without you. and i'm--i'm scared to find out, and i'm scared of losing you. if i'm distracted and something happens to you...[eye contact.] i'm okay with not knowing who i am. i need you to understand that. i'm okay with it. it's okay.

[...] it's not okay with me.

...okay.

sorry, but it's not.

i don't--. sorry. i don't know what to, um. hmm. i don't know what to do, where i would even start. i don't want to start. this is--this is going against everything. i need you to--

--it's okay--

no, listen. i need you to understand this. this is going against literally everything i live by. every fiber of my soul is telling me to stop. i cannot do this. i can't. i really can't. it's not right.

i'll help you. we'll do it together.

[...]i'm so scared. i've never been more scared in my life.

i'm sorry.

me too. i'm sorry for hurting you. i'm sorry for rushing in and causing you to worry. i'll...i'll be more careful. i will. i promise.

you promise?

well, apparently our promises mean next to nothing now? so i don't really know how much my promise is even worth to you, but...yes. i promise.

your word is worth everything to me. just as long as it's coming from you.

[...] it is. i think.

i'll take it.

and then they go to bed lollllll

the doody part is stupid i wrote it at like two am. anyway. p2

princess is trying to figure out ways to help knight come into her own, but she quickly realizes that whenever she is around the knight immediately bends to her no matter what. they're trying hard to do this together, but eventually they have another conversation and agree that one of them has to leave in order to break the codependency

the knight, seeing how much this hurts the princess (and how much she adores her new friends, the party) decides to be the one to leave. for once the princess doesn't argue--she knows that the knight does well under pressure and can hold her own, and believes (correctly) that a few months on her own will do the knight far more good than a few years trying to work through old mindsets and traumas with the princess. cue sad goodbye scene. they hug. it's soft, it's mutual. it's a genuine healthy "breakup". the knight says goodbye to the rest of the party and then heads off in the opposite direction, to the nearest town.

viewers/players don't see the knight for a while. few months, maybe even a year depending on the scale of the story? the knight sends updates and messages, and the princess replies to them all. she is never the first one to "text"--as a former [oppressor?] she believes that any communication should be on the knight's terms. (this was something they most likely mutually agreed on, in the sense that the princess suggested it and the knight, who was still very out of her depth, agreed out of trust)

idk how exactly they reunite. i'm thinking it's more accidental? like "oh shit is that knight over there???" or "omg we're in the same town want to meet up?" knight has had a Glowup (tm): she know has her own personal style separate from just basics/bare minimum, she's had a hair change, and she seems looser and more open. she is also acting differently--she's finally beginning to figure out who she is, and she's not hiding it as much.

the princess has also had her own Glowup (tm). she may appear stronger (depending on her weapon of choice), she's more engaged with her friends, and she can take "no" for an answer relatively easily. in short, they've both become a little bit of each other despite being separate for [insert long period of time here]. they balance each other.

their reunion is awkward. for sure. it's like meeting your old high school buddy after not speaking to them for two years. so much of your life was shared with this person but now they are a total stranger. they're also treading on eggshells--neither girl knows where their boundaries are or where they stand with the other. (also, wow, her glowup.........was she always this............no. it's weird to think that.)

regardless of how they reunite, they quickly end up sharing a battlefield. it's a chance for the audience/players to see how the knight has grown into her own. she is protecting herself and trusting that the princess can hold her own (and the princess absolutely is). they still work in tandem, but now that they trust each other completely they are an absolute force to be reckoned with.

there is one specific moment where the knight has to choose between keeping herself safe and putting herself in more danger for the princess. there is a clear opening to make one of her old selfless decisions. she debates with herself--old habits die hard--but chooses to stay put, knowing the consequences. the princess takes damage but stays standing, and ends up getting the final blow on the enemy.

everything is rainbows and sparkles! woohoo! everyone is safe and happy! growth happened! princess and knight, now just woman and woman, are super pumped--all barriers put up between them temporarily leave, and they triumphantly rush towards each other, proud of each other and the individuals they've become

and then the world falls out from beneath the knight, and the world rushes to meet her as her pulse drops. she gasps. the princess's proud smile quickly turns to a look of shock and horror as everything goes black

remember the religion from before? yeah

knight "wakes up" in Nothing. she does not know where she is, there are no features. one moment she is falling on the battlefield, the next she is Here. there is nothing.

there is something. oh, look, it's God.

specifically, it's the deity that the knight's oath was sworn under. it's the deity that all knights' oaths are sworn under. oh, fuck.

that awkward moment when even the gods themselves are like "hey you shouldn't be a person lol" dirty capitalist freaks

n e ways. the knight recognizes the deity (who is vaguely woman-like, but far more like a biblical angel than a woman. because biblical angels are cool as fuck and also terrifying, which is the vibe this deity should definitely give off. she is an eldritch horror first, human-being adjacent second. you get the vibe that her appearing vaguely human-like is a privilege and mercy)

her voice is everywhere and nowhere. it fills up the room. it is not loud, it is just There. YOU LET YOUR CHARGE FALL.

i--i had to protect myself.

YOUR OATH IS TO PROTECT HER, NOT YOURSELF.

she broke the oath! she said i was free!

THAT IS NOT HOW THIS WORKS.

[...] i know.

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO PROTECTORS THAT BREAK THEIR OATHS. ARE YOU READY TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES?

[...]

ARE YOU READY TO FACE THE--

how does it work?

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION.

i was six. remind me.

THE BREAKING HAS TO BE MUTUAL AND HONEST. IF BOTH PARTIES BELIEVE WITH THEIR SOUL THAT A SEPARATION IS NECESSARY, THE BOND WILL BREAK.

i believe that the separation is necessary.

DO YOU?

yes.

ARE YOU WILLING TO BET YOUR LIFE ON IT?

yes.

ARE YOU WILLING TO BET HERS?

her life is not mine to throw away. her life is not my responsibility. her life is her own. [as she says this, slow motion flashes without sound of the real world: the princess yelling for help; the princess watching her party attempt to res the knight; the princess holding the knight's hand, her mouth saying something in slow motion that looks a lot like 'her life is her own' as the healing spells refuse to take effect]

HMMM. DISAPPOINTING.

[....]

YOU HAVE ONE CHANCE. ACCORDING TO YOU, SHE WILL BE FINE WITHOUT YOU. COME PEACEFULLY.

i am not choosing to live for her. i am choosing to live for myself. if she's there, that's just an added bonus. not a requirement.

[...] FINE. WE'LL SEE IF YOUR FAITH HAS ANY BASIS. I CANT SAY I DIDN'T TRY. DO YOU, [firstname lastname], RENOUNCE YOUR TITLES AND DUTIES AS KNIGHT TO PRINCESS [firstname lastname]?

i do. kindly fuck off.

flash of light, you know the drill.

cut to princess. knight has just collapsed. she tries to wake her up, calls over her friends, they're asking what happened, she says i don't know--wait. no. it couldn't be. i thought she--

what?

i thought we were on the same page, i thought--

what the fuck is going on?

when i renounced our oath the first time i was afraid of losing her. i did it again when she was gone, and i meant it. i thought that she meant it too, i thought she was thinking the same thing, but i guess--

--why does it matter?

because she let me take that hit. if she intentionally lets harm come to me, she gets punished equally. that was--that was a killing blow. on top of her other injuries, that was a--oh, my god.

so, what, she's dying?

yes? probably? oh my god. oh my god--

so, okay, hold on--so if she renounces it too, the...the spell, or bond or whatever is broken?

that's what my research said, yeah. [trying not to cry and failing]

well, she's been on this self-discovery trip, right? right. yeah. let's just keep pumping her with juice until she comes to her senses. she'll be fine, princess. [very clearly trying not to panic]

and they do. they pump her with healing spell after healing spell. nothing is taking. the princess, not a healer, takes the knight's hand. quietly, more to herself than any gods or deities that may be listening/she says:

her life is not mine to hold here. she is not my protector. her life is her own.

cut to the scene we've already seen. the knight says, "her life is her own" to the deity. the deity smirks in a horrific way.

there is silence. her pulse has disappeared.

horrible, horrible stillness.

a single shot: a red string snaps with an echo.

the knight gasps awake, coughing. the princess, who had already accepted the inevitable, stares at her in shock, still holding the knight's hand.

the knight gives her a bloody, drunk grin and says "i told god to fuck off. it was great." and then passes out in her arms.

the princess is still staring at the woman in her arms in shock. her friends are all staring at her. she doesn't notice. she is six seconds from a breakdown. a pause, and then, with the absolute audacity of someone who has reached their limit: "what the FUCK?"

blah blah. knight makes a full recovery. knight tells princess about her meeting with the deity, the princess insists it was a dream induced by the trauma of the event but recognizes the importance of it anyway. the party is super relieved to have the gang back together. the princess and knight now work mostly as equals. they still have their moments, but they now know how to communicate with each other, and they don't have the ridiculous oath hanging over their heads.

they are best friends first. they build up their healthy friendship for a couple years. the knight actually dates a few other people.

finally, after years and years of working on their relationships as equals, they finally enter a romantic relationship. it is very frightening for both of them--both are scared of falling into old habits--but they keep each other in check and live a long and happy life together as individuals and partners.

yay woohoo lesbianism! yay breaking out of religious cults! yay personal growth! yay powerful women!

i have more in my head but i'm literally sooooo tired rn but anyway i love them. that is all. this is cheesy sorry el oh el i just think that lesbians are cool

[sabrinavictoria82]

Stop with the incessant scrolling already.

Are you even paying attention to your life? I certainly wish I had paid more attention to mine. Maybe if I share a tad bit about my life you would find we have a few things in common and you would start to focus differently on your life. Everyone likes a good dramatic story. Yes? 

If I were going to be completely honest I would say my life has been anything but easy. It’s actually been quite difficult. And to some, they may say, a total shit show. But to that point, there really is no one to blame but myself. Every issue, struggle and problem that came my way had one common denominator, ME. 

Looking back I realize the roll I played in the destruction of my life and where it has led me up to this point. I am grateful for my ability to be able to think outside the box, and realize that I don’t know nearly as much as I once thought I did, and I don’t know nearly as much now as I think I do. I didn’t know it at the time but I had taken on the roll of a codependent victim pretty early in life. Having a complete lack of boundaries and absorbing people’s negative words about myself as absolute truths rather than just opinions. I was constantly seeking approval and sacrificed my own morals and comfort in fear of making other people upset with me. I ran from any kind of confrontation, and went to great lengths to avoid it. I was completely preoccupied with how other people viewed me, and completely lost sight of how I viewed myself. This lack of confidence effected my entire life and although I didn’t see it at the time, I see it clear as day now.

I remember from as young as 8 years old, I was on vacation with my parents. I had left my purple hip purse in a bathroom stall at a pit stop. I noticed about 25 minutes after leaving the pit stop, but it took me about 15-20 minutes to gain enough fortitude to say something. At this point we were almost an hour away. My parents obviously didn’t turn around. I lost all my chore money that day, $22, and I was devastated. That is my earliest memory of feeling a real loss regarding my own actions, and you would have thought that would have jolted me into gaining a voice. But it didn’t, it actually got worse as I got older.

First, in my defense, I didn’t know it then, but all human decisions are made to either avoid pain or gain pleasure. Second, to make things even more interesting, people will do much more to avoid pain than to gain pleasure. Third, and this is a show stopper, it isn’t based on actual pain and pleasure, it’s based on your perception of what that pain or pleasure WILL be. Which our imaginations are wild, so our perception is incredibly flawed.

This is why I ended up in those compromising situations 1, 2, 3, 6+ times where a boy was allowed to take advantage of me. My flawed perception of the disappointment, or uncomfortable feelings I would ignite if I stood my ground caused me to allow these situations to escalate. Lacking complete confidence in myself to do (or not do) what I deemed as appropriate behavior, but allowing them to do as they pleased.  That was me. I could have done things differently, but my extreme lack of confidence coupled with my desire to people please landed me in these confusing situations.

Hopefully at this point you are having a couple ah-ha moments for yourself, but either way I’m about to add another layer right here. We are complex creatures, as humans, and we are guided by more than just pain and pleasure. We are also guided by our love languages. For those of you that have never heard of a love language, there are 5 of them. Depending on which love language you are, there are repercussions for linking up with someone who does not have your love language, or does not understand your love language. To break it down, 23% of the population is moved by Words of Affirmation, 20% needs Quality Time, 20% looks for Acts of Service, 19% needs Physical Touch and 18% needs to Receive Gifts in order to feel loved. Everyone has a dominant love language and a 2nd tier love language. My two are physical touch and acts of service. Now physical touch does not mean anything sexual, it is the EXACT opposite of anything sexual.  But you can easily see how physical touch can EASILY be misconstrued by someone who does not have that language and does not understand that language. This meant that not only was I dealing with a strong desire to touch and be touched in order to feel loved (hand holding, caressing and holding) I was also dealing with not wanting to displease anyone who took my ‘physical touch advances’ the wrong way and thus put me in several morally uncomfortable situations throughout my life. 

This is how a girl like me ends up pregnant out of wedlock before her 21st birthday. I was showing my love language of physical touch and was then too hesitant to stop the momentum of the situation in fear of hurting my partners feelings, causing discomfort or upsetting the moment. I was also too naive to know about birth control, and was too nervous to request he wear a condom. That was me. I didn’t say anything. Unfortunately, because I was not educated with ANY of this information, I was led to believe that I was just an immoral, disobedient individual who had no regard for her body, her love for a god, or her family. This created a mess for my subconscious mind with feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, shamefulness and maliciousness.  In reality I was just being a human, the human that I am, following the instincts and natural tendencies that I was born with or was born into.

Walking around as a pregnant unworthy, weak, incompetent, manipulative young women it’s easy to see how this situation could lead someone down a hole of suicidal thoughts, hate and frustration. I was alone, pregnant, uneducated in the things that mattered and was desperate to survive. I took on the identity of a victim, my life was beating me up, one hit after another. 

The following is a list of a few of those hits, because I know you don’t have all day.

Not wanting to inconvenience anyone (because at this point I viewed myself as a huge inconvenience), I bought a car on my own for the first time, I got ripped on the interest rate. I was paying a car payment for an 8 year old Toyota Camry as if it was a brand new BMW. That was me, I went in by myself, uneducated and unprepared. 

About two months after that, when my son was a few months old, I broke up with his father. Instead of sticking around and helping with bills and spending quality time with his son, he left the state and left me high and dry with an apartment, a car payment, a phone, a baby and all the bills. There are NO words for how this felt, it was overwhelming to a level that I do not have the vocabulary to express. I could have taken action to get him to pay child support. I didn’t. My victim mindset had me living in a space of victimhood. Victims don’t fight, they cower like a scared mouse in the corner.

The snow ball effect from not receiving child support eventually led to my car getting repoed, and a few months later I started to receive eviction notices on my apartment door. I didn’t even try to fight my son’s father for child support. I just let his lame excuses fill my ears over the phone as I cried and begged for any financial help. I didn’t make one phone call to one lawyer. I was a victim, giving up all my power.

This financial distress found me in the arms of a financially stable man who led me on a 13 year whirlwind disaster of a relationship. Moving in with him and over the course of a few years giving up control over my phone, my car and my job. This gave him complete power to punish me randomly throughout the week, threatening to cancel my phone service, threatening to kick my son and I out of his house and hiding the car keys with the excuse of it ‘not’ being my car. Having absolutely no foundation to base what is acceptable behavior in a situation where a man takes a broken, sinful, unworthy girl from penniless to a stable home, I accepted this as ok conduct.

Not long after that, being completely fooled by my sons father, when he asked to take my son on a summer get-a-way. Being torn between the fact that I had not received child support for 11 years and not wanting to be the one to keep my son from his father, I allowed my son to go. The day my son was due back to me, I received an email from my son’s father stating he would ‘take it from here’ and ‘thank you for taking care of him for 11 years.’ This forced me to obtain a lawyer and fight back and forth for 12 months to gain back what was already mine (full custody and child support), this drained my savings account of $15,000 and racked up a credit card bill to $3000. Looking back, I should have contacted a lawyer years ago and gained legal rights over my son to protect myself from this mess. But my false perception of what sort of pain that would cause me led me to hesitate for 11 years too long, putting me in this situation. 

That loss of $18,000 caused my entire life to be set back because that was the money I was planning to use to escape my narcissist partner at the time. My entire plan was postponed, and I had to start ALL over again from -$3,000. 

This was all me, everything I mentioned above happened because of my own misunderstandings of how I work as a human. And this is what I want to stress to you. It’s hard sometimes to take ownership of EVERYTHING that happens in your life, especially when it seems obvious that it’s someone else’s fault. It can also be difficult when you realize that the majority of your issues stem from not having the correct education or mindset to be able to make informed decisions regarding what you know about yourself and your weaknesses.  But the awesome thing about accepting complete blame for all the circumstances, no matter what they are, is that you also get to take complete ownership of all the awesome things you have done. For instance. 

There are many options for pregnant mothers now in days. I choose to give birth to my son, and I choose to keep my son. He is now 16. That was me. I did that!

Going above and beyond what was emotionally and mentally bearable to provide for my son, because his father was useless for the first 11 years of his life.  That was me. I did that!

Forgiving my son’s father and moving on with my life. Not talking bad about him to my son all these years. So that my son can grow up confident and strong with little to no guilt or shame as a child. That was me. I did that!

Although I never abused alcohol, I did see the effect it was having on my mental health over the weekends. So 14 years ago I choose to never drink again. It drastically improved my mental, emotional and physical health and has saved me tons of money that I am now able to save and invest with. That was me, I made that decision. I did that. 

All the emotional and mental turmoil I endured throughout these years had me thinking of drugs, alcohol and suicide on a weekly bases. How easy it would have been to just give up, throw in the towel and become another statistic. Run away and never look back. But I didn’t do those things. That was me. I stood strong. 

I recently purchased another car. I went into the dealership with two educated individuals. Fully prepared after reading books, forums and watching how to videos. I walked out paying exactly what I wanted, and saved over $10,000 in interest rates because I had cash. BOOM. Who learned from their last experience and educated herself so she wouldn’t over pay again? That was me. I did that. 

Getting a lawyer, and spending $18,000 of my hard earned money to stand up against a man who was financially abusing me for 11 years by withholding child support, and then WINNING. That was me. I now have full custody and receive monthly child support! I did that! Like a boss.

Taking a considerable amount of years and secretly educating myself to create several different avenues of online income and saving money so I can leave that narcissistic relationship. That was me. I did that! 

Walking away from a financially stable relationship of luxury and money because I educated myself on the emotional, mental and financial abuse that was happening within the home. That was me. I did that. I humbled myself by moving into my own place. I was living on a mattress on the floor for months until I was able to slowly collect used furniture from Goodwill, the side of the road and from friends. I made myself a new home for my son and I. That was me. I did that! 

Becoming the CEO and founder of my own coaching company that now has over 40,000 followers (and growing!) across all platforms.  Inspiring others worldwide and helping endlessly amounts of people break through and discover their own untapped talents and immense potential by sharing my own stories of failures and triumphs. That was me. I did that! 

Being moved by the destruction of the fast fashion industry on the environment, I created and launched my own up cycling fashion design company. Using recycled clothes to save them from the landfills. That was me. I did that!

Allowing myself to love again, even though so many men in my life have abused, taken advantage of, and lied to me. That was me. I did that! 

Never giving up, staying positive through it all, and always looking forward… rather than dwelling on the past. Knowing there has to be more, educating myself beyond what deems necessary. That was me. I did that!

It wasn’t always ‘that easy’. There were a million tears shed. There were suicidal thoughts. There were nights of wanting to give up. There was yelling and screaming and crying. There was pointing blame and feeling absolutely helpless on multiple levels. But I never gave up. I kept going, and that is why I am here sharing my story, with you. I know there have been times in your life you have wanted to give up, throw in the towel and just be complacent in your life. You may have decided to be mediocre and have put your dreams and desires aside because you are tired of fighting and tired of trying. You are sick of being let down and sick of failing. But I am here to tell you that the fight IS worth the reward. Trust your gut, keep pushing forward and continue to move towards your dreams, whatever that might be. 

We all make mistakes, we all do things that are out of character either out of emotional distress or just being naive to the truth. That is ok. You are allowed to change your mind and do things differently. You are allowed to go in a different direction even if the entire world is expecting you to go in another direction. I am here to tell you that I support you, just know that no matter which direction you go in there will be a story, a repercussion and you have to be ready and willing to handle that with strong shoulders and a positive attitude. 

This is your life, and you have the ability to speak up, turn down, or change the trajectory of your life at any moment. Now, this is where it gets tricky, because knowing this is great for you, until you realize that everyone has this right, and your ability to be able to control the people in your life flies out the window… but that my friends will be saved for another post. Until next time, follow me here. 

Do something awesome today.

Much love,

Sabrina Victoria