#the stupid video shit and new post options for forced on me i’m so fucking mad lmao

[bitchc0ck]

can someone fucking tell me why my tumblr app updated when i have purposely NOT updated it in nearly a near 🙃

[theggning]

I Hate the Alternate Ending of Blind Betrayal, and Here's Why!

DISCLAIMER THE FIRST: Massive spoilers for Fallout 4 abound. This post discusses Blind Betrayal, a quest with suicide as a heavy theme. Content warning applies.

DISCLAIMER THE SECOND: This post discusses cut OFFICIAL content from Fallout 4 that has since been repurposed into multiple mods. I am not criticizing any modders or their implementations of this content. Mods are fun and people can enjoy whatever the hell kind of game experience they want with whatever mods they want.

I am ONLY interested in discussing the original cut content as Bethesda had written it, and how it would have impacted the story and lore of Fallout 4.

So, yeah, it seems there was originally going to be another way to conclude Blind Betrayal (BB).

As described in this Kotaku article (citing this post by Tumblr user tentacle-explosion,) there are unused audio files of Danse’s dialogue that show an alternate ending to his pivotal quest. These lines are the only evidence we have of this ending (suggesting that it was cut fairly early on, as no other actors/characters seem to have recorded for it.)

From what we can tell, in this alternate ending of BB, Danse comes up with a possible way out of the sticky situation re: his identity as a synth. According to the Brotherhood Litany, he is able to challenge Maxson’s authority as Elder via combat. If you agree to this idea, you go with Danse to challenge Maxson. The Paladin and the Elder duel one another, Danse wins, and Maxson dies. Then Danse names the Sole Survivor the new Elder-- or with a hard charisma check, you’re able to convince Danse to take the job himself. It is unknown how the main plot would have progressed beyond this point, as there is no other evidence of what being (or influencing) the Elder would have been like or what choices it would have given you.

There is understandable disappointment in learning that this ending was cut. Choices in games are great, and it could have been fun to have multiple different options for how to resolve the quest. In many gaming circles, people complain that this theoretical ending is superior to the one we got and shouldn’t have been axed. The Kotaku article calls it a “way better” ending, and you’ll see many players lamenting that it wasn’t implemented, saying Bethesda was bad at writing for cutting it, etc.

So why did Bethesda get rid of the Elder ending of BB?

In December 2020, after the Fallout 4 Cast Reunion, Danse’s voice actor Peter Jessop answered questions in a private signing session on his Instagram. Peter Jessop is an extremely kind and gracious man, an avid gamer, and a huge fan of Fallout. During the stream, he reflected on the alternate ending and remembered recording the lines, but stated the content was ultimately cut because Bethesda decided it was lore-breaking.

Peter Jessop is right. Bethesda was right. The Elder ending of BB is a bunch of dumb nonsense. It sucks, I hate it, and I’m glad they got rid of it. And now I’m going to tell you why!

SIDENOTE: King Shit of Fuck Mountain

There is no wrong way to play a single-player video game. If you are having fun, then you are accomplishing the task for which the game was made. Good for you! Play it on easy. Play it on hard. Mod it. Speedrun it. Make up an intricate roleplaying scenario. Perform “challenge” runs. Kill everybody you see. Ignore the story and run around collecting wheels of cheese. Games are meant to be fun and there is nothing wrong with enjoying a game however you damn well please. This is especially true for RPGs like Fallout, which are designed with player freedom in mind.

There is an RPG playstyle I like to call King Shit of Fuck Mountain: a naked power fantasy in which your protagonist is the most powerful person ever, even beyond normal RPG plot significance. Through brute strength, incredible charisma, or having completed tons of quests for world-breaking artifacts and weapons, your character wields godlike influence, able to control people, factions, and the fabric of the world itself. A game enables KSoFM gameplay when it allows the player limitless freedom to gain as much power as they like with zero consequences to plot or storytelling.

A great example of this is the Dragonborn in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. If the player chooses to pursue every questline in the game, one single person can become Harbinger of the Companions, Archmage of the College of Winterhold, Listener of the Dark Brotherhood, Nightingale and Guildmaster of the Thieves’ Guild, hero of the Imperial/Stormcloak army, the chosen one of like, 11 different Daedric princes, a bard, a Blade, and otherwise just, absurdly goddamn powerful in completely unrealistic ways. And that’s not counting DLCs. A fully-kitted-out Dragonborn is King Shit of Fuck Mountain.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with playing KSoFM if you like to. But I’m not a big fan of this style, personally. Sure, my first Skyrim character became KSoFM while I was figuring out the game, but after my first playthrough I preferred my characters become coherent figures in the story of the world. I pick one or two character traits and things that my Dragonborn is good at, focus on them, and make them part of some overall story. My honorable Imperial paladin werewolf is in the Companions, and hunts vampires on principle. My Argonian sneaky archer is a gleeful thief, but would never jive with the College or the Dark Brotherhood. I like creating protagonists who fit into these settings immersively. I don’t care about power fantasies or being in charge. I don’t WANT my character to be all-powerful, because that ruins my immersion and my little story.

Additionally, in a plot-driven story-focused game like Fallout, KSoFM tears the narrative apart. Skyrim is fairly light on story, so the Dragonborn can be the leader of the Companions and the Dark Brotherhood and whatever other factions without any of them noticing or caring. But FO4’s themes, faction drama, and the main thrust of the plot don’t work at all if the Sole Survivor is able to become too powerful or too influential. The Sole Survivor cannot become the leader of every faction, solve every problem, or eliminate every inconvenient bend of the conflict because it makes the lore of the entire setting implode. Thus, the game forces you to choose between factions. You cannot be with the Minutemen and the Nuka-World Raiders. You cannot be with the Railroad and the Institute. And you cannot become Elder of the Brotherhood of Steel.

So if you’re the kind of person who loves playing KSoFM, if you like plots that your character can “solve” with relative ease, or if you just think it would be super cool for your Sole to become Elder regardless of surrounding storytelling, then you might think the Elder ending sounds super cool. You are absolutely allowed to disagree with me here. Install all the mods and write all the fic and have all the headcanons you like. I respect that. There is no wrong way to enjoy a single-player video game. Have fun!

But if you’re a big nitpicky pedantic lore nerd like me, a fan of cohesive storytelling, or if you just want to hear how the Elder ending of BB absolutely fucking ruins Maxson, Danse, the Brotherhood of Steel, and the entire plot of FO4 from a narrative perspective, read on!

1. The Synth Thing

The Elder ending requires the stupid plot contrivance of the BoS forgetting about Danse’s synthhood.

One of the biggest problems with the BoS as an institution is their strict and dogmatic beliefs, which include a widespread dislike of non-human species. Perhaps more than any other non-humans, the BoS hates synths. Synths are, in their eyes, machines given free will, a violation of the sanctity of human life and the ultimate example of technology run amok. To them, synths are not sympathetic, they are not slaves, and they are not victims of circumstance. They are weapons that left unchecked will destroy all of humanity for a second time. Synths are anathema to everything the BoS stands for, and finding out that one of their most beloved and trusted Paladins is one is an earth-shattering blow to their integrity and sense of security.

It is completely absurd that the BoS would allow a synth within their ranks, particularly as they are waging war against the Institute, who created synths in the first place. It is even MORE absurd that they’d allow one to influence their Elder, or even worse, to become Elder. It completely undermines their mission in the Commonwealth, and the core tenets of their extremely rigid beliefs. No matter the Elder, no matter the Litany or obscure BoS law, no matter how valuable the Sole Survivor is as a soldier or how much influence they wield. Danse is a synth. He’s the enemy. He is physically the embodiment of everything they hate.

Not only wouldn’t they trust a synth in general, but the BoS specifically believes that Danse is an infiltrator for the Institute. Even Danse believes that he is a danger, that the Institute may be able to take control of him and use him as a weapon. Sure, we know none of this is actually true, or possible, but the BoS don’t know that. And given how quick they are to order Danse dead without even the possibility of surrender, I don’t think there’s any charisma in the world that’s going to convince them otherwise.

According to Peter Jessop, this, ultimately, is the reason why the Elder ending was cut. He talks about it around the 11:30 timestamp in his Instagram stream, linked above:

“We recorded an ending where you keep Danse alive and you take over the Brotherhood. But there was a question of content… there’s no way the Brotherhood, once they knew he was a synth, would let him be even the right hand of the person in charge.”

Bethesda correctly recognized the incredible narrative contrivance for the BoS to shrug off the reason they’re trying to execute Danse in the first place. Whatever other beefs I have with this ending conceptually, they all come in second to just what a big dumb leap it is to get beyond this first and most important problem.

2. The Complete Death of Conflict

The Elder ending of BB destroys the conflict of the quest, and potentially the conflict of the entire game.

Greed is a poison. There is no such thing as a perfect ideal or a perfect organization. Power corrupts. Humanity has the choice to build back better. War never changes. The Fallout games are full of themes, depicted by the characters and quests and factions we play out.

Blind Betrayal is rightfully praised as one of the most powerful quests in FO4. Not only is it well-acted, but it puts the player in a very difficult position. The BoS has given you clout and glory and free power armor and lots of firepower, but now you see the price: unquestioning obedience. You are ordered to execute your friend and mentor Danse for the mere fact he is a synth. Are you going to follow that unjust order? Are you willing to give up your principles on command? Or is this where you can no longer stay quiet and stay in line?

To be honest, I’ve always thought the fact you can talk Maxson out of killing Danse but still remain with the BoS in good standing was a cop-out. BB goes 90% of the way to forcing you to choose between a companion and a faction, and then chickens out at the last second to let you have both, if your charisma is high enough.

(I believe this has the fingerprints of Skyrim’s development on it-- Bethesda’s writers got nervous about doing another Paarthurnax choice involving the fan favorite Brotherhood of Steel. That’s right. Danse is the Paarthurnax of Fallout. Frankly, I understand why they chose not to go there, but damn, wouldn’t it have been wild? You want to run with the BoS? Then kill your friend and feel the burn. THIS is what it means to follow orders without question.

As for me, I’d pick Danse every time and sleep soundly without the company of shitty bootlicking dieselpunk LARPers- but I digress.)

Anyway, you know what would have REALLY been a copout? If the game asked you to make a difficult thematic storyline choice, and you solved the problem by just not choosing at all.

You are supposed to feel uncomfortable when Maxson orders you to kill Danse, because the game is telling a story about how it is maybe a bad thing to thoughtlessly follow orders without question. It is asking you to think about what the BoS is, what they are doing, and how they are going to run things, if you choose to let them “win” the Commonwealth. It is pointing out that there is no room for gray in the BoS’ black and white. That a good, loyal man may die because of the way he was made, through no action of his own. That soon, you’ll be killing other people on command. The Railroad. Fleeing Institute synths and scientists. Others, down the line. It all depends on who’s giving the orders. Are you going to follow those orders?

Eesh, that sounds thought-provoking and unpleasant and difficult! Let’s just skip it by killing Maxson and making ourselves the boss. Now we get to tell everybody else what to do!

It’s unknown what powers the Elder ending would have granted the player, or how it would have interacted with the other factions. There is speculation that you’d have been able to ease back on the BoS’ dogmatism, or change some of the later events of the game. For instance, perhaps you could talk the BoS down from attacking the Railroad, sparing popular characters like Glory and Deacon who must die in the normal BoS storyline. Perhaps you could have made the BoS a kinder, gentler faction and directed them to run the way you want them to.

If this was indeed the case, then the Elder ending would not only suck the gravitas out of BB, but torpedo the entire main plot.

If you can get rid of any and all downsides to siding with the BoS, why in the hell would players side with anybody else? With the player given total power, the BoS becomes a perfect faction with no drawbacks, no weaknesses, no tough decisions to be made. Screw slumming it with the Railroad or the Minutemen, let’s take over the BoS. Free power armor and a giant robot! Forget the whole intolerance thing, I hereby proclaim the BoS No Longer Problematic! Now to force all the factions to get along, completely removing all conflict and nuance from the plot!

That’s some real anticlimactic “tell Legate Lanius to go home and then he does it” bullshit right there. King Shit of Fuck Mountain!

Look, it might be nice if there was a perfect path like that to take through the game. It would be cool if our characters could be that powerful and the game was that tailored to our individual choices. On the other hand, “I change all the factions to suit my exact liking” might be a fun idea for a fanfic, but it’s an incredibly boring plot for a video game. “I get to make everything in the world exactly how I want it” is Minecraft, not a story-driven RPG with a complex and intricate plot.

It would be great if complex conflicts could really be solved that easily and effortlessly, but hey, you know what? War never changes.

3. The Assassination of Arthur Maxson (Literal)

Arthur Maxson’s death is too significant and fundamentally disastrous for the Elder ending to make any sense at all.

Hero, villain, leader, monster, tortured soul, brutal dictator, immature twerp, bearded sex hunk. However you personally interpret Arthur Maxson, there is no denying that he is a venerated, popular, beloved figure in the BoS. He is the blood heir of the organization’s founder, a powerful warrior, a brilliant tactician, and a charismatic negotiator. He is responsible for reuniting the East Coast BoS with the Outcasts, leading the new, stronger BoS with a sense of shared purpose. There is a damn good reason his name is Arthur and he named his ship The Prydwen, echoes of King Arthur and the legends of his glorious kingdom of Camelot. Arthur Maxson is so beloved that many view him as a demigod, a messiah sent to lead the BoS into a mighty and prosperous future.

So I’m sure nobody’s going to be upset when some wasteland jackass recruited a month ago stumbles in with a synth, kills him, and takes over his job. Right?

It doesn’t matter that it’s “honorable.” It doesn’t matter that it’s done “by the book” via obscure BoS rules. There is no codex or litany or rule so binding that it’s going to overcome the cult of personality around Maxson. There is no way that the BoS is going to accept the death of Arthur Maxson, a man whose reverence borders on worship, especially not when he is immediately replaced by a wastelander, or a synth.

The death of Arthur Maxson removes the unifying glue that’s been holding the BoS together since mending the rift with the Outcasts. Maxson’s death eliminates the one person that both sides of that conflict agreed could steer the organization in the right direction. Some level heads may try to keep the focus on the mission and the Brotherhood tenets, but Maxson loyalists will never forgive the new Elder for his death, and that amount of passionate righteous anger will not be quelled by appeals to the rules. The new Elder’s war on the Institute is basically over before it begins, when the forces splinter and start infighting over the change in leadership.

And this is if the new Elder lives long enough to actually give any orders. I give them around 24 hours after the duel before some angry Maxson loyalist “accidentally” pulls the trigger and “tragically” empties a clip into their back.

24 seconds, if it’s Elder Danse, the dirty synth abomination.

4. The Assassination of Arthur Maxson (Figurative)

The Elder ending of BB falsely pretends that Arthur Maxson is the biggest and only problem with the BoS.

In the Elder ending, as written, the conflict of BB is considered completely and totally solved by the death of Arthur Maxson. The core problem, that Danse is a synth and considered an enemy by the BoS, has not gone away. But by getting rid of Maxson, this apparently no longer matters. Nobody else is going to take offense to Danse’s nature or protest his presence. Nobody else is going to attack him or try to follow through with Maxson’s prior orders. Nope, that meanybutt guy who gave the order is gone, and everybody else is going to welcome Danse back into the fold like nothing ever happened.

I touched on this a little bit on an ask about Maxson a few weeks back, but a lot of people seem to believe that the FO4 Brotherhood of Steel is the way they are purely because of him. That he is the one making them treat non-humans as second class citizens at best, and enemies to be slaughtered at worst. That it’s his fault the BoS is so vehemently against synths and the Institute. That he is the one influencing their imperialistic tendencies, and treating the Commonwealth like territory to be conquered and people to be ruled over by their betters.

He’s not. That’s the Brotherhood of Steel, guys.

The charitable, altruistic, virtuous BoS that many of us met for the first time in FO3 were outliers. Lyons’ group was literally disowned by the rest of the faction because their kindness to wastelanders had gone so far astray from the “core” tenets. The BoS as a whole has always been exclusive, isolated, and seen themselves as “superior” to the average wastelander. They have long disliked or outright hated non-humans (and even Lyons’ BoS in FO3 use ghouls, feral or not, for “target practice” if they get too close!) The rigid dogmatism of the BoS is not something that Arthur Maxson started, but has always been part of their fabric.

Now, it’s true that Maxson is absolutely going hard on the BoS tenets, and extremely dedicated to upholding them. His BoS are the way they are and act the way they act because he believes that this is the way it should be. Is it possible that a different leader may be a little more flexible? Absolutely. Could a skilled Elder eventually show them the benefits of a softer approach and a more generous worldview? Totally. Is getting rid of Maxson and replacing him going to make that happen overnight, or going to make the rest of the BoS who supported him shrug and follow suit?

Nope.

Blaming Arthur Maxson for everything unsavory about the Brotherhood is unfair to him and also foolishly ignoring the deep, massive problems that are far older than he is-- problems that plenty of its members wholeheartedly believe are not problems at all. Getting rid of Maxson does not make the BoS kinder or gentler. Even pretending Maxson isn’t as personally beloved as he is, any new Elder who steps in and starts trying to fundamentally alter the way the BoS operates and what they believe in is going to face some major, immediate pushback.

Like, a full clip of bullets in the back type of pushback.

In the face if it’s Elder Danse, the godless freak of nature.

5. The Un-Redemption of Paladin Danse

Last, and my personal least favorite!

At first glance, Paladin Danse is a steely jackboot, a die-hard Brotherhood loyalist who fully and firmly believes in their cause. Many immediately dismiss him as a humorless brute, or completely ignore him because they think that’s all there is. But if you spend any time with Danse at all, you’ll notice a sort of weariness in him. He is tired, overworked, and his years of service are starting to weigh on him. He has watched friends, comrades, and mentors die in horrible and gruesome ways, and he suffers from PTSD. Though he has always been told that his own sacrifices, the sacrifices of his brothers and sisters have been” worth it,” he’s starting to question if that’s true.

After telling of the incident where he personally executed his best friend Cutler, who’d been turned into a super mutant, the Sole Survivor is able to console him:

Player Default: You did the right thing. Danse: {Somber} It's what I was taught. I don't know if it was right.

This line is an excellent summary of Danse’s entire character arc. He learns to question whether to believe what the Brotherhood has taught him, or to believe in himself. His gut feelings. His sense of justice and his own ideas of what’s right and wrong.

(In the interest of not turning this into an essay about Danse’s character, I won’t even get into how this also applies to his beliefs about his worth as a person. But keep in mind, that dimension is there, Danse just covers it up by making everything about the Brotherhood.)

During Blind Betrayal, after getting the orders to execute him and hearing Haylen’s plea for mercy, we may expect Danse to be ready to fight back or flee. But when you confront him in the bunker at Listening Post Bravo, he’s compliant and suicidal. Danse is so deeply poisoned by the BoS’ rhetoric that his own feelings or will to live don’t factor into the conversation. He demands that you follow your orders and execute him, because he believes, as the BoS does, that all synths are dangerous and must be destroyed.

Danse: {Stern} Synths can't be trusted. Machines were never meant to make their own decisions, they need to be controlled. Technology that's run amok is what brought the entire world to its knees and humanity to the brink of extinction.

{Confident} I need to be the example, not the exception.

Through various dialogue options, if your charisma is high enough, you are able to talk Danse off the ledge. He is able to consider, at least, that the BoS’ merciless judgment of him is wrong and that what he was taught isn’t right. He is a thinking, feeling, self-aware synth, and that makes him as much a person as any human. Danse is no danger to humanity-- and maybe, most synths aren’t either.

Danse is an example, not an exception.

Later on, if you manage to get him out of BB alive, Danse shows further acceptance of his nature. His approvals about synths begin to soften slightly (or many of them do, at least… it’s not perfect.) He is still struggling with his identity and reconciling it with his former hatred, but his dialogue suggests that he’s on the road to being more open-minded and understanding. Along with this, Danse learns that he has value as a person beyond the Brotherhood. He no longer needs to define himself with BoS beliefs or judge himself by how useful he is to them. He learns that he is worth caring about, worth being friends with or being loved because of who he is-- not what he is, in any regard.

[SIDENOTE: Many players, myself included, are frustrated that Danse’s arc leaves off sort of midstream there. Due to the open-ended nature of the game, we don’t get a real conclusion to his arc-- even though much of his idle dialogue doesn’t change and he still espouses pro-BoS sentiments ( an unfortunate by-product of writing for a video game) there is every indication that he’s started down the right path, but understandably has a ways to go.

Also, Peter Jessop agrees with us.]

Meanwhile, in the Elder ending, Danse doesn’t get a redemption. His entire character arc, actually, hits the skids and does a total 180.

He never leaves the BoS. So scratch the need for Danse to ever think about himself as separate from them. He never needs to question what they’ve taught him or whether they’re right or wrong. He never needs to find any worth in himself beyond his use to the BoS. Why would he? He might be the Elder. The BoS is all he needs to care about anymore. The BoS is all he ever needs to be, ever again.

And I think, most horrifying of all, this Danse never needs to change his mind about synths. On the contrary, one of the surviving dialogue files includes Danse’s speech to reassure the rest of the BoS of his stance:

Danse: I want to make one thing clear to everyone. This body might be synth, but my heart and mind belong to the Brotherhood. The Institute is still a tremendous threat to the Commonwealth. They possess technologies that need to be confiscated or destroyed. And even if that means I have to pull the trigger on my own kind, I’m willing to make that sacrifice.

Elder ending Danse doesn’t grow more understanding on the nature of synths. He doesn’t accept that synths are people, or anything more than technology run amok. He won’t even accept that for himself. Elder Maxson wasn’t wrong about synths-- they’re the enemy and they need to be destroyed.

But, see, he was wrong about Danse. It’s okay for Danse to exist in spite of his nature. It’s okay for him to never fully accept his own personhood, and to outright deny it to his kind. Because his body is a machine, but he’s different from the rest because his heart and mind belong to the Brotherhood.

He’s the exception, not the example.

CONCLUSION:

The Elder ending of Blind Betrayal is dumb, contrived, stakeless, character-derailing powergaming crap at its finest and I’ll happily dance on its grave.

People give Bethesda a lot a shit for their writing-- whether it be stuff they left out, stuff they left in, or stuff that they never, ever could have made work due to the limitations of writing for a video game. Plenty of it is well-deserved, or at least worth a discussion. But from the minute I found out about its existence, I have always wanted to extend a congratulations to Bethesda for cutting the alternate Elder ending of Blind Betrayal. It was a good choice. A very good choice to cut a very dumb plot that would have fundamentally altered the story they were telling, and characters that I’ve grown to love. I think the writers deserve some credit and a hearty handshake for the wisdom of this decision.

Now as for why Nick Valentine isn’t romanceable--

[cherryyharryy]

i have an idea for a request (it’s totally ok if you don’t want to do it) like an angst-> fluff where one of harry’s songs accidentally gets leaked bc of y/n like she has something on a flash drive and the song is on another and they get mixed up and obviously he’s really mad at y/n and they have a fight he’s super snappy with her but something happens to her like she gets into a really big accidental or something and he forgives her bc he cares about her more tha the leaked song

WC: 2.7k

***

Damage control wasn’t even an option. 

Y/n sat there, staring at Harry’s laptop, numb to everything except the blaring desire to go back in time just two minutes. Two minutes is all she would need to undo possibly the biggest screwup of her life.

And the worst part is that this mistake ultimately doesn’t affect her. At least not in comparison to how it will affect Harry. And his band. And his team. Basically everyone involved with his career. 

Her mind is equally begging for her to shut down and come up with a plan—an excuse—something, Is there anyway this wasn’t my fault?  

She checks the time, her heart sinking to her stomach when she realizes Harry and his team will be back any minute. Any minute and she’s done for.

They’ve only been together for five months, officially. She’s still new to most everyone. She’s that girl Harry’s dating.

“I told you he played in that movie.” Jeff’s voice echoes outside the studio. Y/n closes the laptop and prays for strength. 

“I have him confused with someone else.” Harry bustles through the door, a small crowd of people filing in behind him, back to the spots they left an hour ago. “Hey darling,” he greets, “finish your paper?”

Y/n’s frozen, morbidly wishing he had found out about his song leaking on his own so she wouldn’t have to tell him. “Uh, almost.”

He kisses the top of her head and hands her a cup of frozen yogurt. “Your favorite.” 

“Thanks.” She sets it on the table she’s sat at while Harry pulls up a chair beside her. “Aren’t you guys still working?”

He waves in the direction of his band, “Mitch’s gotta fix his guitar.” He snickers, and slides his laptop out from under y/n’s hands. “Had a bit of an accident in the car.” 

Y/n’s head tingles with what must be nerve damage, her place in this world, her place in this room, decreasing in value as Harry opens his computer.

“It’s gonna melt.” He nods to her yogurt.

“I’m not hungry.”

He furrows his brow. “You alright?”

“Mhm.” She looks around the room, everyone busy getting back to work, light chatter passing among them. “Uh, actually, I uh, I have to tell you something.” Y/n tries to swallow the lump in her throat with no luck.

“Okay…” He shuts the laptop and gives her his full attention.

“Okay, um—”

“What the fuck!?” The room freezes as everyone turns toward Jeff. “Harry someone’s got a hold of your song!” 

Harry scrambles to his manager, complete shock on his face as they both stare down at Jeff’s phone. “Fuck.” They start to play a video, the sound of a girl screaming, with Harry’s unconsented voice playing in the background, fills the room. “How the hell did this happen?” He’s gritting through his teeth, neck red, veins bulging in his hands as he rips the phone out of Jeff’s hand. “HOW? Someone answer me!”

Y/N considers keeping quiet. Playing innocent. What good will it do to confess anyway? It’s not like it’ll undo what she’s done.

Sarah chimes in from across the room, “It looks like it happened half an hour ago. That’s when this video I’m looking at was posted.”

Y/n’s staring down at her lap, holding her head up with her fingers pressed into her temples when Harry slings himself back into the chair next to her.

“All that work, all that fucking work,” he nearly growls, “for some cunt to spread my unfinished song around for a buck.”

Y/n peers up to the room, a completely different picture compared to five minutes ago. Now there’s talk of lawyers and pressing charges while everyone shuffles around. Jeff slams the door as he steps out with his phone to his ear, and y/n knows she can’t claim denial, it’ll only make things worse.

“Uh, Harry?”

“What is it?” He doesn’t look at her, eyes glaring at his phone while another video plays of a group of people reacting to his song. “Glad they fucking like it.”

“Harry?”

“What, y/n?”

She shrinks under his gaze, mouth dry as she forces her confession out. “I uh, this is all my fault.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m so, so sorry. And I’ll do anything—I know I can’t fix it—but...”

Harry’s tongue presses against the inside of his cheek, his eyes narrowing in on her as a morbid silence forms a little bubble around them. “Go on,” he whispers with grit, “finish what you were gonna say.”

She stutters, desperately trying to figure him out. “I’m just sorry. It was an accident.”

“An accident? How did you even manage to do this?”

“I—”

“Do you have any idea what this accident means, y/n?”

She reluctantly shakes her head no.

“How the fuck did you do this?”

“I—I don’t know...I was taking a break from my paper, and, I don’t know Harry.” She’s in tears now, warm and salty as they spill down her cheeks. Her mouth wobbles around another apology, but no sounds make it out.

“Fix it.”

“What?”

He stands up, yanking his laptop off the table, pausing to glare at her one last time. “I said, to fix it.” With that he storms across the room, slinging the door open just as Jeff reenters.

“Harry, your attorney—”

“Forget it.” He turns around and points his phone towards y/n silently sobbing in the corner. “She’s gonna handle it.” He takes one step out into the hall and stops, spinning on his heels to face the studio. “Don’t speak to me until you do.”

Mitch’s guitar that was fixed and propped against the wall, crashes to the floor when Harry slams the door. 

Chatter passes around the room one more time, only now everyone seems to be in agreeance—that girl never should have been allowed in the studio, and maybe, Harry should break up with her.

***

Early morning rain fell outside Harry’s apartment. It was still dark, street lamps burning through the fog in the city below. His home fills with coffee as he pours his fifth cup; the prior four never offering more than a few sips before he had abandoned them somewhere, the counter, mantle, bookshelf, because he can’t talk without his hands.

Y/n sits on his couch. It’s velvet and pink and too big for one person. She hated it the first time he invited her over. If he breaks up with her, she’s going to tell him how ugly it is.

“I don’t know what you expect me to do.” She’s exhausted. She hadn’t hesitated to drive over when he finally responded to one of her hundreds of texts in the week since the mishap. But now she regrets it. They’ve been going in circles with the same argument for the past four hours. She’s convinced he invited her over just to be mean. She sighs, rubbing her temples. “I said I was sorry. You know that I’m sorry. And you know that I never, ever in a million years, would have done something like this on purpose.”

“I’m allowed to be angry with you. I have every right to be.”

“Do you, though?” She straightens up on his ugly couch and looks at him leaning against the doorframe that leads into the kitchen. “Aren’t you a little tired of hating me? God Harry, everyone else in the whole world has moved on except you.”

“It’s not everyone else’s song, is it? It’s not everyone else’s months and months of hard work. It’s not everyone else’s unfinished art? Nobody else is having to deal with a girlfriend that is so careless, so thoughtless, that she actually managed to leak my song!”

“Stop raising your voice at me!”

“You had no business snooping around my computer anyway! I told you you could work on your fucking paper, not to go prying around my personal shit!”

“You know what,” she scoffs, shooting up off the couch, “this argument is so pointless. You didn’t want me here so we could talk. You just wanted to torture me because you’re mad that people don’t love your stupid song.”

“What the fuck did you say?”

She brushes his shoulder as she passes by him, and a drip of his coffee spills onto his hand. He curses, and follows her into the kitchen where he lays his final cup down on the island.

“You’re being a baby because people aren’t fawning over you like they usually do.” She shrugs and slings her bag over her shoulder. “It’s not your best song, Harry.”

The veins in his neck strain against his flaming skin. His cheeks are sucked in, and if he bites down on the skin any harder he’ll puncture his face. “Get the fuck out.”

“I was already leaving, dumb ass.” She strides by him once more, practically feeling the heat steaming off his body. When she gets to the front door, she pauses with her hand on the knob. “Your couch is hideous, by the way. Just because you’re rich doesn’t mean you have to buy shitty looking stuff.”

When she slams the door behind her, the apartment shakes, and cold coffee spills from each cup.

***

It’s nearing five a.m. when y/n backs out of the complex. Her wipers race across the windshield, but do nothing against the downpour wreaking havoc in the city. She does her best to stay on what she assumes is her side of the road, swerving to the right each time headlights blind her.

“Shit.” Nothing is open, and she can’t even see where it would be safe to pull over to let the rain pass. But her home isn’t that far, and traffic isn’t too bad. 

She comes to a stop at a red light, only to realize she missed a left turn she should’ve made a minute ago. “Damn it. Fucking hell.”

As soon as the light turns green, she spins the wheel to make a U-turn, and if it hadn’t been for the rain, and her own clouded mind, and Harry’s voice echoing in her ears, she might have seen the truck who didn’t even try to avoid her.

***

It’s the headache from hell that wakes her up. And it’s the sterile smell of hospital that jogs her memory. And it’s a nurse not much older than y/n that says something about you’re lucky to be alive. 

She’s poked and prodded and asked a thousand questions before her IV is adjusted and a pill to ease one of the many pains scratching her body is handed to her in a small plastic cup. A police officer repeats half of this process, and somewhere in the mess of her reality, she learns that the other driver was sending a text to his wife when he plowed into her car. He’s at home and she’s here. Lucky to be alive.

She made calls to her mom and friends, and even managed to type out a decent email to her professors for her upcoming absence in class.

When she automatically pulled up Harry’s name on her phone, the last text he sent, the one inviting her over so he could make her more miserable than she already was, sat there in all its taunting glory.

What is she even supposed to say? Hey, I know you hate my existence right now, but I’m lying here in a hospital bed with bandages wrapped around my head. It’d be cool if you stopped by.

It’s not long before the sun pops up and reminds y/n of just how early it is. The clouds part, and it’s like it had never even rained, like it had never even been dark for hours, and if she closes her eyes, y/n can pretend that the past week hadn’t even happened.

***

 “How are you feeling today?” The nurse checks y/n’s IV, humming after her question.

“Just sore. Ready to get out of here.”

“We’ve started the paperwork, so shouldn’t be too long. Who’s coming to get you?”

Y/n blinks, feeling stupid she hadn’t thought this far ahead. She doesn’t even have a car anymore. The nurse looks over the computer monitor, waiting for a response.

“Uh, my friend.”

“Awesome. Dr. Kirby has to come check on you one last time before you leave. I’ll go see if he can stop by now, if you want to let your friend know.”

As soon as the nurse is out the door, y/n scrambles to turn her phone back on, and once it is, her lock screen is filled with missed calls and unanswered texts.

She’ll respond later; gives her something to do in the car to occupy her in front of Harry. 

She can’t call him. Harry’s not a monster, although the past week doesn’t exactly prove her case, but she knows he wouldn’t refuse to come get her. If anything, he’ll be annoyed she didn’t tell him about the accident sooner. But she’s too emotional to deal with hearing his voice.

She types out a text recounting her last 24 hours, along with the name of the hospital. He immediately reads it, and a moment later he’s trying to call.

To: Harry

I’m too tired to talk rn

She lies. And it works.

From: Harry

I’ll be there as fast as i can

***

“Baby?”

Y/n cracks her eyes open, irritated she never quite fell asleep. Confused as to why Harry’s calling her baby. Angry that she cares. And the next words out of his mouth are ones she’d been predicting.

“Why didn’t you call me? I would’ve dropped everything. You’ve been here all alone, shit. Are you okay? What hurts?”

He’s hovering over her, fidgeting, unsure if he can touch her.

“I’m fine now. Just sore. And tired.”

“Fuck I can’t believe this, I—”

“The doctor already said I can go. I’m not allowed to walk out on my own, so, you need to let the nurse know you’re here. She’ll take me down in a wheelchair.”

“Baby I’m so sorry-”

“No, Harry. You would still be busy hating my guts right now—”

“Hate you? I don’t hate you?”

“Well you did a great job this week making me feel otherwise.”

Harry sighs, gripping the bed frame and dropping his chin to his chest. When he looks back up he has tears brimming his eyes. “I’m sorry,” his voice cracks. “I know I’ve been an ass this week. I—you were right. I took out my anger from no one lovin’ the song on you.”

“Well it’s not no one. A lot of people did. And it’s unfinished anyway. You wouldn’t enjoy a meal if it was only cooked halfway.”

He nods, but y/n knows he’s only accepting her words because of the situation.

“You mean so much more to me than a leaked song. I’m sorry I treated you like shit. And that I—I made you think I hated you. You have every right to hate me.”

“You annoy the hell out of me, but I don’t hate you.”

His lips twitch, but a few tears slide down his cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.” She takes his hand off the rail and smoothes her thumb across his knuckles. “You can make it up to me by getting me out of here.”

“I can do that.” He kisses the top of her head and hits the remote to call for the nurse.

“You can really kiss me, y’know. I’m not gonna break.”

He’s hesitant, but slowly lowers his head to press his lips to hers. He’s timid, and his lips are still damp from tears, but it’s more relieving than either of them would ever admit.

The nurse ends their moment when she pops in the room, pushing a wheelchair in front of her. “Hi, you must be y/n’s friend.”

“Friend?” He peers down at y/n, suggestion lacing the word. “Care to explain?”

“Not really, I’m so tired.”

“Mhm.” He clicks his tongue, supporting her arm as she swings her legs off the bed. Once she’s standing and steady, he tucks her hair behind her ear and bends down so his mouth can graze her lobe. “Since we’re just friends, I guess you’ll have to sleep on my ugly couch.”

[jupitermelichios]

On a more possitive note, I’ve started watching Sword Art Online. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever seen (and the last film I saw in cinemas was Cats to give you context for the scale i’m working on here) and I kind of adore it in much the same way I love garbage like Smallville or Twilight. It’s so stupid on so many levels. You could challenge someone to write the worst anime, and it would almost certainly be better than SAO. It’s almost hypnotic how terrible it is.

No one should watch this terrible terrible show so I therefore don’t feel at all bad that I’m about the spoil absolutely everything, but honestly if you do also hate-watch this please come talk to me about how terrible it is. I don’t know anyone else who watches it.

Highlights of Season 1 include:

everyone is trapped in an MMO, and if you die in the MMO you die IRL. but if you were a beta-tester you’re probably fine because they just let them keep all their levels and items from the testing, so they’re all massively OP and everyone just accepts this as a normal and non-game-breaking thing

it’s a fantasy MMO but there’s no races, no magic system, no weapons except swords and maces, and not even an option to dual wield - literally all you can do in this fucking game is stand in front of an enemy and mash the attack button. I’m pretty sure they’re trapped there because the devs realised no one would play this post launch-day otherwise because it’s boring as shit

when the villain traps everyone he also just changs all their avatars to look like they do IRL for absolutely no reason, like actually none, he doesn’t even say he thinks it would be funny, he just does it and no one questions it and it is literally never mentioned again because this is the worst TV show ever animated.

in the second episode the main character deliberately witholds information about how to defeat a boss, indirectly causing multiple deaths. there is absolutely no reason for him to withhold it, he was just being a jerk because he doesn’t like people

in the third episode they reset his entire personality and he’s now a selfless hero pretending to be a lower level than he really is so people will find him more relateable and be his friend because all he wants is to help people. this is not a consequence of episode 2, they just decided they didnt like the character as he’d previously been written.

he makes some new friends who are all objectively terrible people who have decided for no season that the twelve year old who doesn’t really know how to play and keeps having anxiety attacks about the very real possibility of death has to be the guild tank. the MC is high enough level to be functionally immortal in like half the levels, but doesn’t tell anyone this he just lets them go on bullying this child

none of his friends survive that episode, in the game or IRL. which is also a christmas epsiode. a child dies in battle because she’s a terrible tank and then a man commits suicide out of guilt, so then the main character murders santa to try and bring them back from the actual dead but it doesn’t work because again, this is a video game and they are dead IRL, so then he walks off into the snow alone. Christmas!

we meet the best character in the entire show in episode 4, Rosalia, who has gone evil and started just straight murdering people because she’s sick of being an attractive adult woman who can’t get a date because she’s surrounded by lolicons who are only interested in the preteen characters (not a joke, that comes up, the show is firmly on the side of the lolicons)

in the same episode we get an extended bra and panty sequence staring an actual fucking child, like canonically this character is maybe 13 at best. this is one of only 2 occaisions when they feel the need to undress a character and it’s the fucking 12 year old, it’s so gross it reads like a parody of itself

literally every single named female character aged over 8 who talks to the MC falls in love with him after like 5 minutes (and in season 2 this includes his actual sister). he shows absolutely no interest in any of them (including his sister, thank god) until...

the main character gets engaged to a girl he only knows from an MMO after a virtual single date (he doesn’t actually win her in a PVP match but only because he looses the match, he 100% canonically tries to win her in a match, which she is apparently fine with). he then doesn’t bother to ask for her real name until the final episode, he just calls her by her screen name

(that’s okay though becuase it turns out that this moron of a love interest used her real name, on a local server, in a game where your character looks like you do IRL, because apparently getting doxxed is her hobby)

they then get in-game married off screen. there’s not even like a still of a wedding photo. nothing. the main character proposes and then the show immediately jumps to the honeymoon, it’s fucking bizarre.

they find a creepy child dressed all in white with no memory alone in the woods a week into their honeymoon who starts calling them mommy and daddy literally seconds after they first meet her, and they don’t suspect anything suss is going on and adopt her

for hilarity bear in mind the main character may only be 15 at this point (he says he’s only just turned 16 in the last epsiode, but his actual birthday is never mentioned), and his virtual wifu is 16, but no one ever questions the marriage or the adoption, even though ‘hey marriage in a video game is as important and meaningful as marriage in real life’ is an actual conversation people have multiple times. also they think the child they adopt is an actual IRL 8 year old who thinks these randos she met in an MMO are her mum and dad and everyone just goes with that like it’s a totally normal thing

a character called ‘Thinker’ agrees to meet an enemy faction leader for peace talks. the “peace talks” take place in a high level dungeon and he is told to come alone with no weapons and no fast travel. he does this. no one ever comments that his name is ironic, and in fact they seem to think that being betrayed and trapped in a dungeon with a boss is a totally unexpected turn of events Thinker could never have planned for

they take their new baby into the dungeon to rescue thinker, because they went to the jean grey school of baby rearing, and she imediately reveals that she’s actually a magical maggufin with infinite power, murders the grim reaper, and then dies. In literally the second episode she’s in

after she dies the MC hacks the admin account of the game, converts her corpse into an in game item, and saves to the local storage on his console, with the intention of bringing her back to life as a robot once they’re saved from the game. I’m not joking, that’s an actual thing that happens.

the fact that the main character can just access the main admin account and make massive game-breaking changes isn’t used again in that game and he never thinks to try and use it to force log people out or give himself infinite life so he can just rush the game and free everyone. nope, convert a corpse into an item and then never think about it again.

there’s an entire episode where all they do is go fishing. its the only filler episode in the season, and it immediately follows the death of a small child. it’s the most tone-deaf beach episode in writing history

it turns out this game, this game where they didn’t bother coding in any difference races, weapons, or any kind of magic system, was intended to have fully sentient AI therapists, because why the fuck not at this point honestly

oh also the game has PVP and you can trick the game into thinking a sleeping player is in PVP with you in order to actually murder a real person without it flagging in-game as a murder making the crime impossible for the real life legal system to investigate even though you just murdered a person. and they expect us to believe this game had actual beta testers. at least cyberpunk wasn’t played on microwaves you connected straight to your brain (also not a joke, the VR consoles canonically work by sending microwave radiation into your brain, no wonder VR never caught on)

the set up for the show is that they have to reach level 100 of a dungeon in order to win. At level 75, the writers got bored and the show just ends.

it turns out the power of love allows you to just break the fucking game and the main villain literally has a line about how ‘love allows you to remove debuffs, huh, we didn’t think to plan for that’ because again, there’s no metaphors in this show, everything is 100% literal including the fact that falling in love with another player means you’re immune to the paralysis status effect

power of love also allows you to very briefly become a poltergeist after being killed, but only for like 2 seconds. again not a joke or a metaphor, main character is killed but then gets to hang around as a ghost for a little bit to enable him to defeat the boss. he also doesn’t die in real life despite that being the entire fucking premise of the show, again because power of love.

the bad guy literally has no plan, he’s just doing shit for the sake of having something to do. His actions directly cause the deaths of more than 4,000 people, and it’s not even in aid of anything. they ask him why he trapped 10,000 people in an MMO and allowed them to slowly die, and he’s just like ‘huh, i forgot i did that, random’ and then just fucking peaces out

the fact that he committed one of the largest mass killings outside of war never really comes up again, as far as we know he doesn’t even go to jail. i think the show actually kind of thinks he’s a good guy, which is a fucking WILD moral stance to take on the deaths of 4000 completely innocent people for absolutely no reason

If this sounds hilari-bad but you don’t want to invest the time to watch a show which is objectively garbage, it has an abridged series which is famously better than the show it’s parodying (i’m dead serious, people have character arcs, the getting married after one date thing is properly addressed, the mc has to deal with PTSD because of all his friends dying in epsidode 3, they don’t immediately follow the death of a child with an extended fishing montage, the villain has an actual plan). It’s mostly actually pretty good, but this is the internet and it’s an abridged series, so while there are a lot fewer yikes moments than most it still has enough that I’m not comfortable recommending it without the caveat. that said I still enjoyed it a lot, although possibly not at much as pointing and laughing at the garbage that is the actual show.

[ayellowcurtain]

I can be your lover

Part 5

6 months later

Robbe bites the corner of his bottom lip while staring down, pulling the skin of his thumb until it hurts, ripping it off, brushing the dead skin to the ground carelessly. He grew used to just sitting here and being watched, it doesn’t bother him anymore, not too much at least.

He doesn’t know what to say. He’s been coming to therapy every week in hopes it would help him figure himself out but he feels the worst he’s ever felt.

“I feel useless.” Robbe answers the question that he didn’t get today yet. It’s always the first one so he decided to spare them the trouble. He looks through his eyelashes, finding his therapist staring at him in disapproval of using words such as useless to describe himself.

“I feel like everything is out of my control so there’s no point in trying, really.”

There’s a long silence, a slow breath out and Robbe sighs, relaxing on his chair, meeting his doctor’s eyes, finally even if he doesn’t feel completely comfortable doing so. He feels uneasy, exposed and it bothers him to have to deal with it.

“What happened?” Robbe looks at the notepad on her lap, all his stupid insecurities and mental problems probably written down for anyone to read if given the chance.

“Me and Sander had a fight.” It was the worst fight ever, with them talking over each other and loudly. Robbe loves Sander the same but it feels like it’s really the end this time. They can’t go on like this anymore, Robbe is really at the edge. “I don’t want to do this anymore but I still love him so it’s just...fucked up.”

He does some of the breathing exercises he grew used to doing in the past few months like she suggests he to do often when he’s feeling like this but he knows it won’t help this time, he’s too deep inside his head to let the anger and frustration go every time he breathes out, pretending he’s also letting go of the negative thoughts about himself. He should have cancelled this session because it’s not working, not even talking about it makes him change his mind, see things differently.

He should have stayed home and studied for his finals, it would be a better use of his time. She gives him a notepad and a pencil to do whatever he wants with it: write, draw, scribble. She doesn’t say that but it’s obviously her way to keep him from pulling more skin off his fingers. It’s already a little too late, most of his fingers are burning already but he tries to keep his hands busy anyway, drawing random shapes and lines.

Robbe puts his pencil down when there’s no more room in the page to draw.

“I need to walk away. It’s for the best for both of us. I’ll block him everywhere so I can’t see things and I’ll just let him be while he’s away. And if he ever comes back, maybe we’ll talk if he also feels like it.”

“I think you should calm down, think about it for a few days and not make a one way decision when there are two people involved.” Robbe looks at her and gives back the notepad, “I think he would like you to hear what he has to say about your decision. You two have been in an intimate relationship for a while. Not just romantically but as very close friends.”

Robbe shakes his head, putting his hands inside his pockets, closing his fingers around his thumb until it hurts, “I can’t talk to him or I’ll change my mind.”

-

12 months later

Robbe drops his keys on the little bench he bought to put right next to his door, the exact same layout as it was when he lived with Zoe and Milan (and then Senne. And Sander.). It was another long day of college and work, the last one of an endless week. He turns the lights on and takes his shoes off, kicking them under the bench. Tomorrow he will clean and organize properly. For now, he’ll leave everything as it is. The good side of living alone. The rest sucks but Robbe will never tell anyone about feeling like that. He never thought he was the type to need people around him every day, all day until he had to come home to an empty apartment every night.

It doesn’t happen that often, especially on the weekends, considering his friends are all over the city these days but it happens too often for Robbe’s liking. Zoe and Milan are out of town together, Senne offered to keep him company but they would be two grumpy and tired men so it would be useless. Jens is out of town too, Aaron and Amber are not an option - Robbe can’t have a disgustingly in love couple around anymore - and Moyo is with Britt and Noor. It’s good to be alone sometimes, he tries to convince himself as he reaches the kitchen, opening the fridge. Nothing other than the beers at the bottom excites him so ordering something for dinner it is. Robbe is starving so he makes a very quick search of his phone and decides for the italian restaurant that promises to deliver his food in less than half an hour.

Robbe opens his first beer of the night and throws himself on his couch, looking around, feeling like it’s a new place all of a sudden. Sometimes it hits him that he has his own place now. And that he’s alone. Therapy has been helpful and he can tell the difference when he’s about to have some pretty bad days in the worst possible mood and when his reality is just underwhelming in his eyes and he’ll get over it soon enough. He never thought this would be his life. It’s not a bad one but it’s not what he had planned.

He forces himself to get up once he manages to change his mindset and he takes his clothes off, leaving it on the living room so it’s closer to the laundry machine once he’s clean. He turns some music on and puts it to play all over the apartment, putting his phone down, singing along to Bowie as he shaves the scruff that was starting to get out of hand on his face, he takes a quick shower and while he’s putting his clothes to wash, his food gets home.

Robbe rushes down to grab it and thanks the delivery boy, rushing back inside, lighting some candles just because they’re there, getting dusty and old. He never bothered to buy a dinning table because there’s a small island right there. He sits on the stool and eats, staring at his food and the candle in front of them. His instagram isn’t as updated as it used to.

A long time ago Robbe decided to give himself more time offline, focusing on college and his internship and he’s been good at keeping that mindset most of the time, afraid to spend too many hours per day online, looking for what he’s still having to choose, day in and day out, to keep his distance from so he doesn’t hurt Sander even more.

But he doesn’t care as much tonight, so he takes a picture of his dinner for one and the sad candle in front of him and posts it to his stories, locking his phone instantly, putting it down to eat in peace.

He keeps glancing at it, careful like it could burn if he dared to grab his phone and check. It would be a lie if he said he doesn’t miss Sander but he has learned to live with it. Long distance wasn’t going to work. Robbe is happy for the ones that can jump out of their comfort zone but he can’t and he’s okay with it by now, after months and months of therapy. The only thing he can do is not drag other people into living life this way too if they don’t feel like it.

Sander is happy somewhere else and Robbe is happy that he’s happy. Easy as that.

He eats his food and washes the dishes he left this morning right after or else he would get too tired to do it before going to bed and he doesn’t feel like waking up to a sink full of dirty dishes. He washes his clothes and folds them once they’re dry and warm out of the drier. Plays some video games, and finally crashes into his bed, searching for some comfort movie to watch as he falls asleep. He doesn’t last half an hour watching it, he’ll have to start again if he really wants to watch this movie some other time, but thankfully he had already scheduled his tv to turn off after one hour and a half.

He miraculously wakes up only once in the middle of the night and almost as an afterthought, like he would do so often when he was younger, Robbe grabs his phone to check for any new notifications. Robbe read a lot about algorithms when he had nothing better to do one day because it felt like it’s a theme lately so he knows it doesn’t mean shit but he can’t help but stare at the first name on the list of people who watched his sad dinner stories.

earthlinggoddity

There’s the red-ish circle around his name but Robbe puts his phone down, the screen still bright staring at his mattress as he rolls to the other side, pulling the heavy comforter to wrap around him like a tight burrito, and he closes his eyes again. If he’s still thinking about it tomorrow, with an awake and fully functioning brain, he’ll watch whatever Sander posted if it’s still there. He shouldn’t do it now, half asleep or Robbe won’t be able to go back to sleep thinking about how badly he misses Sander.

He can’t remember his dreams when he wakes up, it’s like he blinked and it was morning already. He feels rested but still mentally tired or empty, one of the two.

His phone is still right next to him, under the pillow he never uses and so he grabs it, checking the notification that just popped on his screen a few minutes ago from Moyo.

What are you doing today, my friend? Felt like we could go skate, smoke a little bit, for old time’s sake.

Robbe sighs, clicking on it, opening his conversation with Moyo.

That sounds like a perfect Saturday to me, my friend. Meet in one hour? I’m still in bed…

While he waits for the answer, the three dots already dancing on his screen, Robbe shakes his head. It’s still somewhat early, just now past eleven so he wonders if Moyo had any sleep. He does sound in a great mood though, Robbe is happy for him but also envying his enthusiasm about life, so early on a Saturday morning.

Jesus Christ, bro. You used to be an early bird. Working your ass off isn’t paying off, huh? One hour and don’t be fucking LATE!

Robbe knows what changed that he’s not an early, happy-chappy human anymore but he won’t bother anyone else with that conversation again. He pushes himself up to put some clothes on and go meet Moyo, making a pitstop for a quick breakfast on his way there.

[setsuntamew]

So, Persona 5 Royal, huh?

Full disclosure: I had gotten about halfway through November on Wednesday and finished it out Saturday night, which took uhhh about 65-70 hours? Some of that was sitting there waiting for the PS4 controller to recharge or listening to music in the Thieves Den while eating, but I still feel like I need to own up to how extremely bad I am at making good decisions with my life XD

MOVING ON, THOUGH, HOLY SHIT. P5 was a very good game, but Royal’s additions & changes made it incredible. I like the ending way more; I think it’s more emotionally fulfilling and meaningful, especially with everyone’s more defined future plans. Definitely felt like everyone had more growth in the end!! Which is something I’d always thought P5 was lacking.

Snip snip for spoilers and the fact that this post ended up being too damn long, oops! the last third is basically Akechi feels and analyzing his ending, so......yeah XD

Part of why I plowed through SO much of Royal in so little time is....Akechi XD Like okay, this is my stupid fandom blog, I can be excited about him all I want!!! I got to Sae’s Palace and just....I couldn’t put it down. @dragonofeternal​ and I ordered an embarrassing amount of takeout instead of cooking because we just had to see how everything with Maruki and the third semester was gonna go down. I’d already been dying along the way because Akechi’s confidant dates are so good, I just. Fuck!!!

Also, look, for the entirity of Shido’s boss fight and the depths of Mementos/Yaldabaoth/etc, we’d look at each other every few minutes and just be like AKECHI SHOULD BE HERE WITH US, HE DESERVES TO GET HIS VENGEANCE ON HIS SHITTY DAD AND FORCED DESTINY!!!!!

December 24th had to be the longest god damn day in Akira’s life because like. Final exam grades are posted in the morning! He goes to school and then dives into hell, crawls his way back out, briefly dies by fading from human cognition, fights an actual fucking god, and then....ends up dissociating in Shibuya until Sae shows up and is like “oh hey thanks for everything you did, please sign up for being arrested now.” And while he’s still reeling from that, Akechi walks up to take his place, like some kind of bullshit knight in shining armor schtick, and leaves no room for conversation.

AND THEN WE HAVE TO GO ON A DATE

I romanced Hifumi this time around, because I wanted Akria to bang a girl who is just so incredibly out of his league, but....it’s not necessarily that I forgot I was dating someone, more that it had been *so many hours of plot* that I was emotionally exhausted. Like, Hifumi texted me and I was just like. Right. RIGHT. It’s still Christmas Eve, somehow. I was at *school* this morning. The whole world merged with Mementos briefly in the middle of this, Akechi is somehow alive, and I guess I’m going on a date now????

I do appreciate how many “god I’m just dissociating my way through this” conversation options there were for the date, tbh. I feel bad though, I really like Hifumi, but I feel like Akira is not giving a date his full emotional attention at that specific time. It feels a bit like emotional whiplash, more so than I remember it being in P5? Maybe it’s because I played it 4 years ago and there wasn’t the added emotional weight of Akechi’s reappearance, but it was just like....a lot, in Royal.

AND THEN THE NEW YEAR HAPPENED. I’d been spoiled on large parts of the third semester, mostly because Royal’s been out for a year already and I’m too curious for my own good. I’d also somehow lied to myself, saying I didn’t have time to play another Persona game right now, and yet here I am, 171 hours of game play within exactly a month, kicking myself for not knowing how deep in Persona hell I would get XD

Which is to say, as soon as the new year started, it felt I was drowning in anxiety. I knew something was wrong, I knew they were in a false reality, but knowing that sure as fuck didn’t make it easier to go through. If anything, it was somehow worse, knowing that it was all gonna come crumbling down, but I didn’t yet know the exact details, only the broad strokes of it. Just. Every time someone talked about something that was wrong, my heart would clench.

God, I’m so fucking tired, I pulled an all-nighter on Friday so I could get through Royal before having to work on Sunday, and I am feeling it right now. Life tips: don’t do what I do XD

Every moment with Akechi felt like borrowed time, at least for me, because I knew what was coming. I spent so much time in Mementos with him; I ended up putting just him and Akira in my party and plowing through everything, including trouncing the Reaper over and over just for the hell of it. I got his ultimate weapons, I spent so many nights in the jazz club with him that he ran out of dialogue options, and I still took him back for more. I accidentally failed to EVER trigger Sumire’s Showtime because every fight was just Akira and Akechi against the world, because fuck it, I’m playing this for fun!! If I want to play with them in stupid costumes and no one else in the party, I’m gonna. Royal did such an incredible job giving Akechi more depth and development: it was all I could hope for, and it made it that much fucking worse to know what was in store for him.

Somehow, I thought it would be harder for me to make the decision to refuse Maruki’s deal, since fuck, fuck what I wouldn’t give for Akechi to be alive???? But I barely hesitated, only really stopping because I had to emotionally brace myself for it, because a reality where he can’t carve out his own fate would be a disrespect to everything their relationship is built on.

I have a whole shit ton of feelings about post-beating Maruki but they’re basically all Akechi related meta so somehow they ended up at the end of this post, I’m sorry XD

I understand that they had to keep the going to jail bit because 1) Akechi didn’t turn himself in, Akira did and 2) it leads to the final events of the game, but let me just say....the emotional roller coaster of fighting Maruki, almost failing multiple times, waking up in jail, the Phantom Thieves & friends getting Akira out of jail, celebrating that, and then getting thrown into Valentines Day was a LOT for my heart to take. Once again, didn’t forget I had a girlfriend, just got too invested in the plot to really be thinking about her. It’s less than two weeks after the fight with Maruki and somehow, everything is supposed to be okay????

The scene with everyone talking about their future plans is such good character growth, though. Everyone feels like they’ve truly grown and are making decisions that, even though they might be painful or hard at times, are ultimately very important to them. It’s a really good contrast to the “almost everyone goes to Shujin and they all stay in Tokyo forever without doing anything for themselves” Maruki’s perfect reality bad end.

Standing in the Underground Mall on White Day, being told I had to get flowers but finally being able to have control of Akira again was....so bittersweet. The fact that the location of the date is the aquarium is a low fucking blow, and I almost threw the controller across the room I was so upset. Like. THE AQUARIUM IS UNLOCKED BECAUSE AKECHI HAS TICKETS HOW FUCKING DARE SOJIRO SUGGEST IT LIKE MY HEART ISN’T STILL ACHING????? God, speaking of that: The fucking god damn Featherman video game tore my heart out because I ended up playing it WHILE WORKING ON SHIDO’S PALACE and I cried a ton about Gray Pigeon because of course they had to dig the emotional knife in even deeper!! Just fuck me up, it’s fine, I’m just dying!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ended up scrolling through his texts to find the group chats that still had Akechi in them, and fuck, it was a LOT. Like. Maybe it’s because I’m too invested in the two of them, but it was probably the worst emotional whiplash of the whole game. Like, how am I supposed to go play happy with anyone while staring at texts from a reality built of lies? It wasn’t real but the proof lives on in his phone and his heart, and I’m still fucked up over it.

HOWEVER. FUCKING. I SPENT LIKE HALF AN HOUR BEING EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED ABOUT ALL THIS AND THEN DISCOVERED THE BASTARD STILL HAD ALL HIS EQUIPMENT, INCLUDING THE ULTIMATE MALE ARMOR!!! He returned his shit after Sae’s Palace even though he thought Akira was dead, but this time it didn’t get fucking returned to my inventory, so he must have fucking run off with all his shit!!!!!!! Why the hell did none of it get returned if he was never alive in the true reality? Like I know it'll be returned for a new game+ but I like to nitpick game mechanics for story reasons, because one of the things I love most about video games is the experience of them as another layer to the story. The texts from the third semester shouldn’t exist anymore, since they never really existed, but there they are. Akechi insisted that he has a gap in his memory after Shido’s Palace up until seeing Akira on Christmas Eve, but who can say that wasn’t related to Maruki tampering with reality or some other Persona-related reason?

I mean. I got the full and complete True Ending; I saw him in the train station. If that’s not Akechi, then who the fuck is it? Atlus made sure to put the work in to make him a part of not just the main story but also, especially, the third semester, and for what....to have his final time on screen be as the butt of the joke, squished underneath everyone in the Mona-copter? As much as it hurts, his end in Shido’s Palace matters; it fits his character and he gets to go out fighting- carving his own path, really. In Royal, barring the tiny glimpse of someone who’s probably him in the train station, the last we see of him is when he watches Joker let go of the rope to finish off Maruki. I know we got the heart to heart where Akira agrees to reject Maruki’s deal and Akechi insists that he’d rather be dead than live in a false reality, but.....no one even says goodbye to him. It’s tragic, it’s painfully lonely, but it doesn’t feel right for such a major character.

Also, as undignified as it is, for the first time ever, Akechi looks like he actually belongs in the Phantom Thieves in that final moment. He’s never been the butt of their jokes before; they always kept him at arms’ reach and he took himself too seriously to be included, but for that brief moment, it really felt like he was part of their group. He stopped lying about himself for their last month together, and so even if they don’t all like him, they can make that decision based on the truth, instead of layers of lies. His death is all the more tragic for this; a life cut short just when he’s finally finding a place he belongs. But his death was already painful; why make it so, so much worse?

Final thing: I’m gonna be spending a ton of time in the Thieves Den trying to find Akechi’s opinions on everything, but also....hey. HEY. What do those six stars that Jose (probably?) painted on the wall mean? Is it just a reference to Persona 6???? LIKE????? I HAVE QUESTIONS. SO, SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!

Anyway, I’ve gotta go cry into my Starbucks and desperately try to focus on actually doing my job at work, but I loved Royal deeply and cannot wait to drown in it ;w;

[hopelesshawks]

Physical Fatality Part 13- Icarus

18+ Hawks x fem, pro hero!reader

Summary: You’re a rising star in All Might’s agency. Hawks is the darling of Endeavor’s. By virtue of your job descriptions, the two of you are supposed to hate each other, or at the very least be cautiously neutral. For a long time that’s exactly what the two of you did. You stayed out of each other’s way and formed little opinion of the other. One fateful night at an HPSC gala changes all that. Based on the album Hopeless Fountain Kingdom by Halsey.

If you don’t want to see Physical Fatality content blacklist #hopelesspf

This story will have multiple NSFW parts so it is 18+ ONLY minors dni

Warning for very slight suicidal themes this fic has a happy ending I swear

Masterlist

Agony.

Losing you is agony.

Endeavor is lecturing him for pulling the stunt with Bakugo earlier that day but he can’t hear or really process any of it when all he can think about is the fact you’ve blocked his number and seem to want nothing to do with him. He vaguely registers words of “I told you so” and “I warned you” and even a word or two about a demotion but none of it matters. Hawks doesn’t know how to do anything but be a hero. It’s been the driving force behind a lot of the choices he’s made in your relationship and he knows it’s the same for you, but that doesn’t make any of this easier.

“You’re going to have to work really hard to earn my trust back Hawks and the trust of your coworkers,” Endeavor warns. “Understood,” Hawks replies, his voice almost detached. It seems to disconcert Endeavor, the other man being far more accustomed to the snarky Hawks persona than the serious man in front of him now. “Hawks, uhm, do you,” Endeavor stutters suddenly unsure. He coughs to cover his discomfort and clears his throat before resuming. “Do you need to talk about what happened between you and Artemis?” he finally manages to ask. He looks so deeply uncomfortable potentially talking about the subject and his discomfort only grows when Hawks continues to give him nothing back. “That won’t be necessary,” Hawks replies before turning and walking out of the office. If Hawks doesn’t know how to live without hero work, Keigo doesn’t know how to live without you. So his only option is to abandon Keigo until the pain stops.

He can’t have slept more than a handful of hours that night but he still wakes up early the next morning to run an extra patrol before his normally scheduled one. He files paperwork, even revisits old cases, all in a bid to keep you off his mind. Of course it’s not enough to stop his coworkers from whispering. Typically he ignores the gossip of the lower ranking heroes but it’s hard when he knows they’re speculating about you and him. It certainly doesn’t help that your break up was so public and now it feels like nearly all of Japan has watched the video of it happening. Hawks used to be the darling of Endeavor’s agency, beloved by all of his coworkers. Now he’s practically a pariah.

His new outcast status is only made more obvious at the cocktail party later that day. He’d wanted to skip it entirely, the fact you were supposed to be his plus one to the event made it all the more unappealing, but he’s already skating on thin ice and had no legitimate excuse to justify his absence. So instead he watches the other heroes talk and drink and laugh about things while he hides in the corner, too exhausted and heartbroken to put up the persona necessary to maintain conversation. No one seems to ask about him anyway or even care what he thinks despite the fact it’s his personal life that’s become the hottest topic in all of Japan. He wonders if this is how Icarus felt as he plummeted to the earth. Hawks had flown too close to your light and warmth and now he’s fallen from grace. He wonders if it’s true that Icarus laughed as he fell. If so he can empathize. As painful as this fall is, he would live it over and over if it meant he could catch even a glimpse of you again.

When Shoto comes to join him it’s literally the first genuine interaction he’s had all day. “You look like shit,” Shoto comments by way of greeting. “Thanks. Feel like it too,” Hawks replies. He doesn’t have to pretend with Shoto and for that he’s grateful. “Are you ok?” Shoto asks. “Even though I’ve always hated these things I was always so good at them,” Hawks starts in response. “I’d talk, drink, laugh just like everyone’s doing, be the center of attention, play the part of the charming number two hero. And look at me now. I’m so fucking anxious about what they’ll say about me, about her, about us and what happened that I can’t have a proper fucking conversation. I used to be on fire and now I’m standing in the ashes of who I used to be and I’m just fading away. Without her I’m fading away. I’m just as pathetic as she said,” Keigo confesses and it’s a weight off but it also makes the hollow space behind his ribs where you used to live feel all the more prominent. “This right here is kind of pathetic,” Shoto starts, earning him a shocked almost laugh from the other man, “but you are not pathetic Hawks. I think (y/n) knows that, she’s just hurting. Rightfully so. The bullshit with the others in the agency will get better too.” “I don’t know about that one.” “You’re not the only one who’s done dumb or bad shit. Not by a long shot.” “Really?” “You know Iida?” Shoto asks, pointing to the man in question as he obliviously continues his conversation with one of the others present. “Yea. Your year at UA, stickler for the rules. What about him?” Hawks asks. “He chose his internship our first year with the sole intention of trying to hunt down and kill Stain to avenge his brother.” “Really? That guy?” “Yep. My dad isn’t so innocent either: quirk marriage, child abuse, oh the stories I could tell you.” “Jesus Christ.” “Exactly. Everyone has their own shit Hawks. This will pass and hopefully you and (y/n) can find your ways back to each other when it does.”

Shortly after Todoroki finishes speaking his phone rings and he frowns down in confusion when he notices it’s Bakugo calling him. “I didn’t think we had task force business today,” Shoto says as he answers the phone. “We don’t. Is Hawks there with you?” Bakugo asks, his tone betraying his worry. “Yea he is.” “Shit.” “What’s going on Bakugo?” “It’s about (y/n),” Bakugo admits and Shoto’s eyes widen. He casts a look at Hawks before finally deciding to drag the other man with him to an empty office on the floor they’re currently on. He locks the door behind them and then pops his phone on speaker. “Ok you’re on speaker with me and Hawks what’s going on with (y/n)?” Shoto asks, his voice remaining calm. “All Might fired her last night so she was supposed to come in this morning and collect her stuff except instead she pretty much just threw everything away. I came back to patrol and found out she’d left Midoriya and I little gifts on our desk which was weird, so I hit up her roommates and apparently she never went home after she swung by here. I thought she and Hawks may have run off together but if he’s with you...” Bakugo explains. “Maybe she’s just clearing her head or something,” Shoto suggests. “No way. The whole of Japan is gossiping about her right now, the last thing she’d want is to be out in public,” Bakugo quickly refutes. “Was there anything else off about your desks? Drawers opened?” Hawks asks. “Maybe, I wasn’t paying that much attention. Why?” Bakugo asks. “Your task force notes still there?” Hawks asks in lieu of an answer. Hawks and Shoto wait with baited breath as they hear the sound of Bakugo moving around and then opening a desk drawer. “Nope, they’re gone,” Bakugo finally reports back. “Thought so. (Y/n) wouldn’t just roll over and kiss her career goodbye, she’s probably trying to take out the terrorist cell herself and use it as leverage to get her job back,” Hawks deduces. “Alone? That’s a suicide mission,” Shoto says. “Hence the gifts on the desks,” Hawks replies grimly. “Most of our notes are over there with you guys though,” Bakugo points out. As if on cue an alarm starts blaring overhead warning of an intruder. “That’s gotta be her,” Hawks says. “I’m on my way, hold her there so we can talk some sense into that idiot,” Bakugo tells them before promptly hanging up the phone.

Hawks has to give credit where credit is due. As foolhardy as your plan is, it’s incredibly well executed. As a former member of the guest list, you would’ve known everyone would be occupied with the cocktail party on one of the lower floors, far away from where the files you need are. The elevators will take forever with so many people trying to all get upstairs which only leaves the stairs, which are marginally better but still relatively slow. You must have spent most of the night planning this out. That thought fills Hawks with a certain amount of dread. You’re probably emotional and sleep deprived on your way to take on an entire villain group yourself all in a desperate bid to save your career. It almost sounds ludicrous. Yet, as Hawks races to the top floor in hopes of catching you, all he can think of is something you’d once told him during happier times, late at night as you two were wrapped up in each other:

“Honestly Kei? I’d rather die a hero than live long enough to prove those stupid reporters right about me.”

Author’s Note: Does this still count as a double update if I’m posting the second one after midnight 💀 anyway I can’t believe how quickly I was able to get this chapter out. The image of Hawks standing in the corner of a massive company party feeling like a shell of himself is actually a large part of what sold me on writing this fic for him. The song this chapter correlates to just felt so right for his character that I knew it couldn’t be anyone else. I thought about waiting to post this until later tomorrow today? but I’m ✨impatient✨ so instead y’all get it now

Taglist [open]: @akkaso @cathy8taffy @eeppff @iikillerkitteh @pixelwisp @pokesosa @lildockel @bread0nhead @lavender-moon13

[hearthandhomemagick]

Cottage Witch Journal Entry

I have a longing for Tennessee. 

I have a pure, unadulterated and wild attraction to the Tennessee Mountains. This is a dream I’ve had, and a yearning I’ve felt, for years. A need to be hidden deep in the mountains in a tiny cottage/cabin of sorts. I’m sure this is an affinity very popular in mainstream culture today, and all I can think of when I hear people say they want a cottage or cabin in the mountains is, “How the Hell does everyone expect to FIT on these mountains?!” But, this is my Shadow Self, the over realistic and overthinking side of myself. And I easily get discouraged from my own wants thinking of others wants. 

This is a side of me to notice in myself. I need to be able to move past thoughts of, “If everyone wants it, I’ll never have it.” and move forward with thoughts of, “This is something I want for myself, and I deserve to work hard for it.” And that’s a goal I have with myself. 

You see, this post isn’t just about my want to be in Tennessee in the woods, it’s much deeper than that I feel. It’s about improvement and wanting to grow. 

I bring up Tennessee because that is not a goal I can easily obtain within a couple of weeks or even a month. But, it is something I want to build up to obtaining. Something I want to do right so that everything is exactly as it needs to be. And I can’t fully accomplish this until I accomplish other goals that take precedent first. For Example, my physical health.

As a witch, I truly believe in loving every part of yourself, the good and the bad. The exciting and the terrifying. The understood and the neglected. Part of this acceptance process is learning what is and is not acceptable for my body. Now, I have struggled with my weight and how I see myself since I was a child. I remember a little boy seeing my tummy in a bathing suit in 1st grade and him telling me I was fat and that his dad said fat girls were ugly. Comments like this, stares and whispers were constant when in regards to my weight. It felt like an overwhelming amount of attention was directed at the way I looked, even if no one was looking at me I felt as though everyone was thinking about it. Over the years, this mental state took a tole on a lot more than I expected, even affecting me today with my Significant Other. The consistent attention to my own weight pulled me into depression, our of depression, into anxiety and out of anxiety. What I mean is I had an up and down relationship with my tummy. 

I felt abandoned most days. I would get this idea that I was too much and not enough all at once. A gentle and cooing tone from my toxic thoughts led to a lot of issues and concerns for me and my health. Some days, I would read something that made me feel as though I was a Queen. A bad bitch lurking in this cruel world and taking it by the throat to stare it in the eyes and say, “I love my body fat.” 

The sad part is your heart, mind and body know when you are lying to it. I didn’t love my body. Not in those confident moments and not in those depressed moments. I was locked away in a cage in my mind that gave me two illusions to choose from, while hiding my third option under the rug. I neglected my feelings because I didn’t want to experience them. I neglected my health because I didn’t want to deal with it. And I neglected my body because I hated it. 

Reality here is that this is the only fucking body I have. Do you understand that? Let me repeat this so maybe you can understand how harsh of a reality this was to me. 

I am on this Earth for goodness knows how long. 50 years, 20 years, 72 days. I don’t know, and no one does. I was literally forced into owning this body, whether I like it or not, it is mine. I can move houses, I can get a new car, I can get a new job. I cannot get a new body. 

I heard this in High School and started what I called my weight loss journey. I lost maybe 20 pounds while attending a workout-boot camp of sorts and trying to maintain a healthy diet. That sentence resonated so much with me that I repeated it every day to myself. My motivation was on point. Then, I stopped going. There are multiple reasons why I stopped, but none of them are rightful excuses.

I just stopped. 

Now, during those days I had lost weight, I was starting to gain confidence in myself and was attempting to genuinely look out for my health. I had more energy and felt amazing! But like I said, I had stopped for terrible reasons. 

Fast-forward to college and you will find a very anxiety filled, sleep deprived and mentally exhausted Carly. Some nights I wouldn’t sleep but for 4-5 hours. Other nights I didn’t sleep at all. I believe my stay up streak was 3, going on 4 nights. All due to homework. My coping technique has always been eating food, too. So when you have a sleep deprived student settled next to a 24/7 pizza joint with half baked cookies, you gain 30-40 pounds. 

At 245 Pounds, I was at my heaviest. This weight gain came on as my roommates were saying I was fat, stupid and were making me question myself frequently. Self hate festers among others who don’t value your worth, remember that. So, through those years of college I weighed an uncomfortable amount of weight that made my body start shutting down physically. 

Mental Health had a lot to do with my physical health, here as well. When I was in a really bad place, I would stop moving completely and just sit still. If I had a terrible feeling, I’d cook something to make myself feel better or would just grab a processed, quick snack. It was a pattern of mine. I’d get just enough motivation to do one or two things, and then I’d stop all together and feel as though that was enough for a few weeks. 

Eventually, when I was done with college, I started back on that rollercoaster of healthy and unhealthy. I’d lose 5 pounds, then gain 7 pounds right back. I started detail critiquing myself and stressing myself out. My weight never could get under control, and I couldn’t break the 200 mark to save my life. I would see pictures and videos of myself and feel as though I had eaten an entire buffet. Not too long after getting with my S/O and starting my job as a Sexual Violence Outreach Advocate, I got sick.

It started as a birthday dinner at a Korean Barbecue in 2019. I was with my two best friends at the time and having a blast. We all ate the same food, but when I woke up the following morning I was throwing up everything in my tummy. 

The throwing up went on for 4 days before I was taken to the hospital, only for them to release me saying it was virus. My personal doctor couldn’t figure out what was wrong and it eventually became an everyday thing. I would wake up between 3-6 in the morning, go to the bathroom and be sick for hours before pulling myself together to make it to work. 

Weeks turned into months, and months turned into a year. 

I lost 50 pounds from this thing that no doctor could seem to figure out. I got x-rays and everything, but nothing and no one could tell me exactly what was going on with me. I couldn’t eat anything friend, only raw fruits and veggies, or broth. I only drank water and ginger based drinks, and could not for the life of me stop what was going on with my body. Many doctors tried to pass it as a virus, stomach ulcers, GURD, or even Heart Burn (?). None of them were right. 

After a long time, my mom finally confessed that every woman in our family has Endometriosis. If you don’t know what this is, it is the build up of scar tissue on the outside of your uterus. This leads to nausea, ovarian cysts (which they found on me in x-rays) and sub or infertility. No doctor can diagnose it, either, unless you have a surgery to see if there is scarring. So for many, suffering on your own is easier than seeing a doctor. 

I discussed this with my doctor, and it was as if a light flashed in her brain. This is a disease she cannot say I have, but can say it sounds very much like that. It is hereditary and once you have it, you have it for good.

After this information entered my line of though, I decided the stress from my job was too much for too little pay, and chose to leave. Leading up to my leaving the job, I was sick almost every second of every day. The moment I left, I felt better.

I still feel pain in my ovary area, but because I don’t have the money to see a doctor, and can control my pains with eating habits and physical influence, I choose to work through it alone. 

I said ALL THAT BACKGROUND BULLSHIT JUST TO SAY THIS!!!!!

This is the part that marks my new journey. It is the Journey to Strength and Well Being. The Journey to Feeling Good. The Journey the Choosing my happiness over anything else. And the Journey to choosing the health of my body over my insecurities.

I wrote this because a couple of days ago I had a very graphic and vivid dream about my boyfriend falling in love with the woman I wanted to be. In other words, I seen him with a woman who literally presented all of my insecurities to me. Small, lithe and dainty, gentle and calming, and everything I wasn’t. She was beautiful. And he seen this, and did things for her that he never did for me. I woke up almost in tears, because my emotions were raw, but I had no idea that my insecurities were still very deeply rooted. 

I pondered over the last few days of this dream. What it could mean, what I should do, how I should feel and I have finally come to a conclusion.

This dream is a depiction of my fears. My brain was saying, “You need to address this shit right now.” and did it in the most face slap kind of way I could think. 

I still, even after learning to love myself genuinely, have image issues that need to be nurtured and tended to before I can move forward in my life.

So, I’m making 1-3 goals every month that are attainable and reachable. This will be a brick road to my obtaining that cottage/cabin in the Tennessee Mountains. 

This months Goals start today! 

GOAL 1 -  Learn to do a split, find a healthy yoga sequence, be able to do 15 pushups, & 30 Squats by the end of December. 

GOAL 2 - Make a conscious effort to what you eat/making a new dish once a week to try.

GOAL 3 - Save $100.

This is a process, and I am only human. I don’t want to fall back into the habits of toxic mentality. I don’t want to neglect myself or how I feel and I don’t want to lose myself in to the world in the process of searching for freedom from myself. 

I expect myself to exude self control, self love, and empowerment. I expect to expect better from and for myself, and I expect to accomplish my goals.

I manifest it here, I can do a split. I have a healthy maintainable yoga sequence that I have committed to growing expanding and changing. I can do 15 push ups and 30 squats. I have 100 dollars saved up already and make concious decisions that better my health rather than hurt it. This is part of my lifstyle now! 

And it is for the better!

Thank you to anyone who read this through. These entries are more for my benefit and thought process, but appreciate anyone who recognizes it or even relates and wants to talk about it. It’s personal to me and means a lot. I intend on being on here more often to update my challenges and express how I use my witchcraft in the process of this Journey.

I love you all! Stay safe, warm and full to the brim! Later Witches! xx

[quirklove]

Songfic for Shoto or Dabi with the song 'Stay' by Mayday Parade? I really loved your Sero one with Hard for Me 😭😭💓💓💓

I went with Dabi bc I was feeling burned boi hours!!

also took inspiration from an older post of mine... which in turn was inspired by an ASMR video XD

also also DAMN I love Mayday Parade but I hadn’t heard this song till I got this request?? and it SLAPS holy shit I’m crying

please let me love this crispy burnt chicken nugget uwu

I need some time, just deliver the things that I need for now everything that I feel’s like a warm, deep calm casting over me and it’s taking me to somewhere new

Toya Todoroki is dead, but until a short time ago, he didn’t really know what else to call himself. DABI has a good ring to it, he eventually decided.

There was only one person who showed him any little bit of kindness as he had drifted out of the drug- and depression-induced numbness he’d been in for maybe a week. (Name). He remembers them more than anything else he remembers from that time. Whatever words exactly they said aside from offering to stay with him and listen, if he wanted to talk, have been lost to whatever force allows him to repress most of his horrific childhood memories.

All he really knows is that it’s been months, and the thought of their nervous, good-natured smile is pretty much the only thing that lets him feel anything at all.

if you believe that everything’s alright you won’t be all alone tonight and I’d be blessed by the light of your company slowly lifting me to somewhere new

Seeing them again shakes so many feelings loose that he wasn’t even sure he could feel anymore.

He likes to pretend that he doesn’t feel a damn thing, and sometimes it’s a godsend when he can’t feel anything at all. But suddenly, as soon as he sees them again, he remembers how great it is to be happy. He keeps his cool in front of everyone else simply because he doesn’t need more vulnerable spots.

When he’s all alone outside smoking, and he sees (Name) out of the corner of his eye coming over to him, though, he almost wants to break down. His heart almost chokes him when it jumps into his throat as soon as they sit down beside him.

“Hey,” they say softly. The hand they set gently on his knee makes him wish he could fucking cry. Why are they treating him like he’s some precious thing? “You miss me, Toya?”

oh, can you tell I haven’t slept very well since the last time that we spoke? you said, “Please understand, if I see you again don’t even say hello.” (please…)

Just thinking about that name, about who he used to be, makes his hands shake. He blows out a slow stream of smoke, letting it drift in the air around them before he can even think about formulating a response. Hearing the name in their voice, especially because they don’t know better, isn’t so bad, but — it’s not who he is anymore.

“I don’t really remember a lot about that night,” he admits, then takes another drag from his cigarette. “Mostly just you.”

“Really?” That smile of theirs… God. It’s still the same. A little bit anxious, way too sweet for someone who’s hanging around unsavory people, so genuine. “That’s… fair, I guess. You seemed to be in a really bad place. But I’m glad I get to see you again.”

His head tilts to one side, and another cloud of smoke filters from between his lips. He wasn’t expecting that. “Heh. And here I was, figuring you’d told me that it was a one-time thing, that you didn’t ever plan on seeing me again. That… you know… if I ever did see you again… I should just pretend I didn’t know you at all.”

Their smile falters, just a little. “I… didn’t mean to come off like that.” A hand shifts over to rub at their arm, self-conscious, probably unsure about whether he’ll want to hear what they have to say. “Every time I was in that area where I found you, I… I looked for you. I really hoped I’d see you again.”

He can’t breathe.

what a night it is when you live like this and you’re coming up beneath the clouds don’t let me down — all the love’s still there I just don’t know what to do with it now

His head dips down amid the smoke, almost like he thinks it’s going to hide him. A shuddering, unraveling breath leaves him, something that’s probably as close to a sob as he can bring himself to display to them. “Fuck, I just—”

That’s not something he expected to hear in the slightest. To know that someone actively searched for him, wanted to see him again, didn’t want him just out of their lives… it’s unbelievable. He doesn’t know who would want him around, and his head tells him that, like almost everyone else, they’re lying. For once he does his best to shove that down.

They seem so authentic. Like lying doesn’t even cross their mind as an option. He wants to believe them more than anything.

“I don’t get that a lot,” he finally says. He doesn’t know what else to say to express what he’s thinking. “I never… never did. You’re the first person… you were the only good thing about that night. About my whole fucking life.”

He throws his cigarette down, grinding it beneath his heel, though it’s a weaker gesture than usual. It feels like his whole body is shaking and he’s about to come apart any second.

(Name)’s hand moves again, reaching to wrap their fingers lightly around his. It’s quite honestly the first time anyone has ever given him this kind of gesture. He doesn’t hate it. He can’t. “Then I’m sorry. If I was the first good thing about your life, then you deserved better.”

you know, I still can’t believe we both did some things I don’t even wanna think about just say you love me and I’ll say, “I’m sorry I don’t want anybody else to feel this way” no, no, no

They reach their other hand down and produce a couple bottles of booze, offering one to him. “The truth is, I don’t think I’m any better. You’re one of the only good things about my life, too, and I… don’t get people wanting to see me either. That night was crazy,” they laugh as they pop the cap off their bottle, “but it also kind of — you know. Felt like I was… actually with a friend. Or… or, you know, something like that.”

“Something like that, huh?” he mumbles, opening his own bottle. One swig makes him feel a little more at ease; tastes like cheap beer, alright. To be fair, they’re not the only one who felt like that. Having them there that night made it almost bearable. “… I, uh… I mean… think about you a lot, too.”

The way their face lights up immediately is all the reaction he needs.

“I, uh. I go by Dabi now, by the way.”

can you tell I haven’t slept very well since the last time that we spoke? I said, “Please understand, I’ve been drinking again and all I do is hope.” (please…) stay please stay

Dabi doesn’t really know what he’s doing when he lets his hand tighten around theirs, or when he steels himself using his bottle so he can push himself toward them. All he really knows is that he’s been wishing they were in his life again and now they’re here. They’re here, right in front of him.

He suspects they don’t know what they’re doing when they respond by leaning in. Or at least, they don’t fully know why they’re doing it, because it’s the same thing he feels. That shaky uncertainty, that hesitation, that undeniable need to want to be something with someone.

It’s unclear who makes the first move, but before too long, they’re kissing like a pair of long-lost lovers… or maybe a pair of long-lost could-have-beens. To Dabi, it’s physically painful, to have them pressed against the charred parts of his skin, but for once, his heart has stopped hurting, however brief that feeling might be.

He’s struck by the depressing thought that he didn’t realize how badly he wanted them until he was pressed against them.

I’ll admit I was wrong about everything ‘cause I’m high and I don’t wanna come down all the fun that we had on your mother’s couch I don’t even wanna think about

Their reunion isn’t really horribly passionate or unspeakably desperate. They don’t have their hands completely all over each other, clawing to be closer, constantly writhing against one another.

It’s needy, in the way that two people who are lonely and hurt and tired can be for each other.

For his part, Dabi thinks he should have given (Name) more of a chance, even though back when he was Toya he probably couldn’t have. He could kick himself for believing the worst of them, for disappearing from their life without a trace, for denying himself this that he could have had right beside him all this time if he hadn’t. Even though it isn’t like years have passed, he’s still pissed at himself for being so stupid.

He can’t recall right now exactly what was so memorable about that night, other than just them. He doesn’t remember what they said or did or how they found him or when it all ended. He remembers them, their smile, that they treated him kindly and sat with him, and then he remembers leaving. Did he leave when he noticed they were gone? Had they fallen asleep and he slipped away?

Does it matter now that he has them back? Whatever happened obviously wasn’t enough to keep them from wanting his company.

I’m not strong enough for the both of us what was I supposed to do? you know I love you oh, please stay please just stay stay…

He missed them so much. He still misses them even with their lips on his.

“Tell me,” he breathes with his forehead pressed to theirs, “you’re not going anywhere anytime soon.”

Though his eyes aren’t quite as good as they used to be, he catches it when they smirk. It looks so melancholy on them, but it’s also… genuine. Just like they are.

“Don’t worry, Dabi. You’re not getting rid of me that easy. Not again.”

[softyoongiionly]

🍬Sour Skittles: Part Two 🍬

Sour Skittles

WELCOME TO GLASSCLAW! The only city where you can get a homecooked meal and a hitman all on the same street! You moved to GlassClaw for a fresh start after a group of raiders invaded your previous compound. Unbeknownst to you, the city has its own collection of riff raff and, at the head of it all is your neighbor Min Yoongi. The mischevious merchant with one hell of a sailor mouth is known for swindling the rich and, serving the poor. The world has become convoluted and chaotic since the apocalypse but, two things were certain: You were so much more than pretty face and, Yoongi was so much more than just a thief.

Pairing: Min Yoongi x Reader

Word Count: 1.8k

A/N: I got really inspired to do a little update for this after watching a ton of videos about the French Revolution lmao. I hope you guys like it!

Genre: Dystopian Au, RobinHood! Yoongi, smut, fluff, minor angst, post apocalyptic au

The heat is unbearable. 

It sticks to you like a thick and intrusive warm cloak.

You’re spread eagle on your mattress, completely naked except for a pair of underwear and, a loose fitting t shirt. The idea of fabric clinging to you is revolting enough to make you wretch and, you’re now seriously considering taking another cold shower.

This would be your third one today.

Fuck AstroLex honestly.

The hegemonic superpower that runs Glassclaw shut off everyone’s AC as punishment for the recent raid of one of their many storage places.

The Underground is clearly responsible but, AstroLex lacks the evidence to bindict anyone. This was usually the case, the raiders who worked for The Underground are too good and, they usually commit their robberies without a trace.

This isn’t the first time AstroLex has implemented a city-wide punishment, last winter they turned off the heating for 6 days which led to a dozen people nearly dying of hypothermia.   

They didn’t care though. Their message had been received, their debts had been collected and, they could continue in their world.

Unapologetically unbothered.

AstroLex made an announcement earlier this morning that the AC would be turned off until further notice and, you assumed this meant until the raiders were turned in.

You audibly groan as you feel more sweat forming on the back of your neck, the feeling nearly vomit-inducing. The only way you knew to alleviate your suffering would be to live in your freezer and, given that it’s much too small, you concede that your only option is a slow and painful death.

A knock at your door interrupts you both in it’s volume and it’s intensity. Another pained groan passes your lips as you drag yourself off of your bed. The knocking gets more persistent as you make your way to the door.

“I’m coming!” You call, annoyed at the intrusion.

Swinging the door open, you are met with the one person who could make your day more difficult: Min Yoongi.

“Took you long enough…” He smirks, leaning against your door frame. His minty green hair is dripping wet and, he’s dressed in only a gray pair of torn jeans, black boxers peeking over the band of them.

“Don’t you own a shirt?”

He snickers, “It’s a thousand degrees outside, do you want me to die of heat exhaustion?”

“Definitely not, I’d loose out on my reward, they raised it again today…$40,000…” You cross your arms, fighting the smile that’s trying to take over your lips.

Turns out, your suspicions regarding your neighbor had been correct. Yoongi was forced to out himself as an Underground worker when the AstroLex police had launched a full on investigation in your environ. In a desperate attempt to maintain his freedom, Yoongi came banging on your door at 3am, begging you not to turn him into the authorities. Yoongi belonged to a particularly stealthy and ruthless group of raiders known appropriately as “Robin Hoods.” So far, the Robin Hoods had been responsible for nearly 60% of all successful raids done on AstroLex’s resources and, given that their operations were so seamless, the police hadn’t been able to bring a single member in for questioning. However, AstroLex did announce a citywide call for intel which promised a hefty reward to anyone who had information regarding the group.

“I’m certainly worth more than $40,000, those bastards…” His eyes scan over you briefly, glinting with mischief, “You look like a drowned rat…”

You scoff, pushing against his bare chest, “Fuck you…”

He snickers again, nimble fingers clutching at your wrists, holding them against his chest, “I’m kidding, c’mon, I missed you…”

He’s so full of shit…

You roll your eyes at him, playfully tugging your hands away, “You missed me so much you came pounding on my door only to call me a drowned rat?”

“I’ve undergone a lot of childhood trauma, sweetheart, forgive me, I have hard time expressing my emotions…” He explains with a dramatic flair to his voice, slowly starting to lean in towards your lips.

“You’re shameless. “ You open your door wider, silently inviting him inside, “Did you bring what I asked for?”

Yoongi purses his lips through his smirk before shuffling into your apartment, “Are you referring to the stupid salt that I nearly died for? Yes, I brought what you asked for…”

He reaches into his canvas bag, pulling out a plastic box containing your requested item: Rock salt.

Eagerly, you take the box from his hands, already excited to utilize the stolen good which left Yoongi feeling very confused.

“The fuck do you need rock salt for anyway? Can’t you just use the stuff in a bottle?” He shuffles his bag back over his bare shoulder and, you shamelessly allow your eyes to ogle at the movements of Yoongi’s sinewy chest muscles.

“I use that salt for cooking but,” You move around him to make you’re way over to your fridge before pulling out a bottle of fresh cream, you’d bought from the a local dairy farm not far from your apartment.  “I’m using this one for homemade ice cream…the store bought stuff just isn’t the same.”

Yoongi wants to scoff at your response because; quite frankly he finds it a little ridiculous but, he doesn’t scoff, instead, he feels rather enamored. The modern world leaves very little room for a luxury like nostalgia but, for whatever reason, he feels a lot of it when he’s around you, you remind of him his past life….before everything went to shit.

“Are you making enough to share?” He smirks, hopping on your counter, his dirty combat boots scuffing against the wood.

“I’m not sharing anything with you if you don’t get off my counter…” You grumble, pushing against his jean clad leg, causing Yoongi to snicker as he obliges, choosing to lean back against the granite. “But yeah, I’ll make enough to share—you have to take some to Namjoon too though.”

“He’s lactose intolerant…”

You stop what you’re doing to throw a deadpan Yoongi’s way which only causes his mouth to twitch, a smirk threatening to break through, “I literally saw him shoving cheese pizza down his throat the other night. Share with him or you get nothing…”

Yoongi chuckles again, holding his hands up to concede with you, “Fine, I’ll share but, don’t expect it to be an even split. Namjoon’s job isn’t nearly as demanding as mine, I need my strength…”

With a roll of your eyes, you assemble some of the ice cubes into a large ceramic bowl, eyeing the dish rack for a spoon, “Do you even a day job or, are you a full time renegade?”

With a nod of his head he responds, his hand musing through his hair again, “I work at Electric Eel’s on the weekends…”

The fact that Yoongi works at a strip club shouldn’t affect you but, an odd sensation rolls through your stomach as you think of all of the beautiful women he must work with.

“The strip club right? How’s that going for you?”

Yoongi smirks again because, apparently, that’s the only facial expression he’s capable of, “It goes ok. I literally only wear a leather vest and leather pants so, the tips are pretty fucking good. Plus…I get to work with a bunch of hot people so, it’s a good gig.”

You swallow around a dry throat, trying very hard not to picture bartender Yoongi in an all leather outfit but, obviously you fail.

“Sounds like it…” You affirm casually, dumping a sizeable portion of ice cubes into a metal cylinder. “Do you know Jungkook?”

Yoongi tilts his head for a moment before nodding, “Yeah yeah, young kid right? He’s a dancer there…wait how do you know him?”

It’s your turn to smirk now, memories of Jungkook currently running an assault on your brain, “Uh…he’s an old friend of mine. Last I heard he got a job there so, I figured you would know him…”

Yoongi’s stomach tightens now, the smirk on your face telling him everything he didn’t want to know, “Just a friend?”

A flurry of butterflies courses through your gut as you think of all the fun you and Jungkook used to have, “Just friends yeah…”

There’s a bit of silence that moves between the two of you as Yoongi admires the way you lie to him.

He kind of wants to be a secret of yours too…

“Don’t worry…I hooked up with him too. He’s a hell of a lay…” Yoongi chuckles, his eyes alit with mischief and memories of his own.

The feel in your stomach drops lower now, towards the place between your legs. The bit of information Yoongi just shared certainly isn’t what you’re expecting but, you’d be lying if you said that thoughts of Yoongi and Jungkook together didn’t do a number on your resolve.

“He sure is…stamina for days…” You giggle, trying to center your thinking towards more appropriate topics, “Do you think they’ll turn the air on this week?”

Yoongi notices your hasty subject change but, he decides not to pester you, at least not for the moment, “Probably not. There was an uprising in Ricketts yesterday --I think Astro is worried we’re going to do the same. Gotta keep the leash tight…”

The news surprises you, there hadn’t been an uprising in your area of the world in quite some time. The last one, occurred four years ago in the nearby compound of Amex and, ended in a bloody battle that took the lives of nearly 2,000 people; the compound’s government executed the resistance leaders during a public broadcast.

Rebellion seemed less appealing after that but clearly, the fear of retaliation is quickly wearing off…

“Really? I had no idea…I didn’t hear anything about it, were they successful?”

An honest smile actually presents itself across Yoongi’s lips as he nods, knowing full well what Rickett’s victory could mean, “They overthrew their council. AstroLex sent in reinforcement but, their resistance held em off, they retreated this morning…”

This causes your eyes to widen, “Are you serious? That’s unbelievable, how did you hear about this? There’s no way they would have put this in the broadcast…”

Yoongi leans in, his eyes darting around your kitchen, lowering his voice significantly, “Don’t you find it strange that AstroLex is offering 40,000 for a bunch of petty thieves?”

He has a point.

AstroLex is worth millions.

But if he’s not just a thief…then what is he?

“Do you know something the public doesn’t?” You offer, trying to conceal your intense curiosity.

Yoongi grins, his brown eyes glimmering with something you haven’t seen in over a decade: hope, “Let’s just say…the Ricketts rebellion is the first of many. Sooner or later, AstroLex will meet the same fate…”

His words fuel your bleeding heart but, you have to be careful. You can’t get wrapped up in promises, you’ve made that mistake before.

“Resistance...” You breathe and, Yoongi doesn’t allow his grin to fade, “Do you really think it’s possible?”

“Would you join if it was?”

Looking up at your neighbor, you muster all of the sincerity and passion you can manage, holding the depth of his gaze as you respond,

“I’d join regardless…”

[gimmeyoon]

Drink About [1]

       ↳ Pairing: Jungkook x Reader x Jin

       ↳ Setting: College AU

       ↳ Word Count: 4.3k

       ↳ Warnings: mentions of binge drinking, language

       ↳ Songs: Waste It One Me by Steve Aoki ft. BTS and Hands by the Vamps

       ❝you just wanted to get drunk and dance and now he’s all you think about❞

| Next

    There’s nothing quite as humbling as vomiting in a fraternity bathroom with two people getting it on in the stall next to you.

    Sana hits at the stall wall as if that will stop the wild animals from doing exactly what they came here to do. Joy tries to sooth you as she pulls your hair out of your face, but she’s so drunk and it’s clear she wishes she was anywhere else at this point. You have to agree with her on that.

    If your life was a cheesy teen romantic comedy, a record would scratch and an older, wiser version of yourself would say, ‘I’m sure you’re wondering how I wound up in this mess.” Though, you figure no one would stay to watch a movie that starts this utterly disgusting. The prop department could have at least mopped the floor before letting your bare ass sit on tiles hopefully made sticky by spilt alcohol, though the moment of sobriety that comes as one is barfing up their brains tells you that’s only one of the residues at best. You suppose the fashion department wouldn’t have let you walk on set without underwear under your dress the way that Joy and Sana had.

    “Honestly, _____, fuck him,” Sana says, abandoning her attempt to stop the actual fucking happening right next to you. “If he’s already with Chaeyoung, then he’s an even bigger fuckboy than any of us thought, and we do not cry over fuckboys.”

    You wonder if you’re supposed to respond as you dry heave next to your friend, but figure Sana will understand. She does have a point though, your makeup is absolutely ruined at this point, which is more than he deserves.

    It’s a process. Sitting in front of your mirror on a Friday night, you carefully beat your face to the gods in preparation for your favorite part of the week. It’s the same every time, the plans slightly different, but the process the same. Your shift at the gym’s reception desk ends at 5:00 and you head back to your apartment where you become slightly jealous at the sight of Joy napping on the couch and head back to your room. You stare at your closest until you figure out which of your outfits sparks joy, Marie Kondo style, and then you grab your tools. You turn on one of your favorite beauty guru’s videos and then the craft begins.

    Joy never misses a chance to tease you about the pure time commitment this process is, but you haven’t been late to a pregame yet.

    Now in your second year of college, you can say without a doubt that this process is the highlight of your week. Sure, occasionally something happens that outshines it, but it’s a constant. You have three hours secured to yourself where it’s just you and tasks that at the end of the day mean very little, but when finished, you have something to show for yourself. It’s about the only productive thing you allow on Friday night.

    You surprise your friends back home with how often you go out, but you promised yourself after a failing your first class Freshmen year due to the sheer amount of time you spent with your friends that you would focus completely on school work during the week and that on the weekend you would let yourself be free and unstructured. Joy and Sana knew better than anyone how hard it was to get you to deviate from your color-coded planner for even the tiniest thing. They liked to joke that if they didn’t schedule getting fries at McDonald’s with you three weeks in advance, there wouldn’t be an opening. They weren’t that far off.

    The weekend was different. It was the only time you let yourself give into the part of your soul that screamed to live life on the edge.

    That was how you had ended up at Beta Tau Sigma months ago with Joy and Sana by your side. You were standing in the kitchen talking to the one member of the fraternity that Joy knew when you saw him for the first time.  

    Well, for the first time in person. You had followed Jungkook on Instagram after one of your friends had tagged him in their photo. He had followed back, and you could always count on a like from him on your posts.

    You grabbed Joy’s arm when you saw him, drawing everyone’s attention towards yourself and the deer in headlights look you could only imagine was on your face.

    “What,” Hoseok asked as he followed your gaze. “You look like you saw a ghost. Do I need to kick some asshole out?”

    “No, sorry. I-I thought I saw someone, but I was wrong.”

    “You sure? Taehyung’s too nice, he’ll just let anyone in.”

    You smiled as you released your grip on Joy’s arm. “Seriously, it was nothing. I think I just need a drink.”

    Hoseok nodded and motioned upstairs. “We keep the good stuff upstairs, and since Joy is the only reason I’m going to pass the human machine, you guys are welcome to it. Consider it my penance.”

    “Oh, so you know penance, but an introductory biology class is too much?” Joy teased as you followed Hoseok.

    “My dad’s a literature professor so he used big words at dinner and made us figure them out. I learned penance when I hid my sister’s laptop in the attic.” Hoseok leads you into the first room on the right and pulls back a curtain to reveal a fully stocked bar. “Jimin’s really into mixology and also showing off his money. So, help yourself,” he said with a dramatic bow.

    “Hoseok, when I say you’re my hero, I want you to really hear me,” you said. “You are my hero and two shots from now, I will tell you that repeatedly.”

    “She’s a very nice drunk,” Sana confirms as she pulls a bottle of tequila from the bar. She pours four shots from the bottle and after those have been forced down, she pours another four.

     That’s how you find the courage to move onto the dance floor, an act that normally doesn’t require much liquid confidence. It’s also an act that doesn’t usually include being as close to Jungkook as it currently has you.

     “Joy,” you start with a giggle. “How many times do I have to look at Jeon Jungkook for him to get the message that I want to put my ass on his dick and pose on that shit?”

     “Firstly, if you ever quote a New Boyz song in presence again, you will be excommunicated from our apartment. Secondly, I think it’s going to take more than a look to communicate all of that.”

    “Not if I have very expressive eyes,” you say with a wiggle of your eyebrows.

    “If you do that, he’ll file a restraining order with the college,” Joy laughs.

    “Joy,” you whine.

    “_____,” she teases. “Seriously, you are a 21st century woman, just tell that boy that you want to dance.”

    “If he says no, I can never show my face here again, you know that, right?”

    “We’ll throw the whole fraternity away if we have to, babe.”

    You decide that a sensible person would at least wait for the song to change before making their move, so three songs later you turn to acquire your target. He’s standing with one of his friends, Jimin you think, and you hate how good he looks. He’s in all black, like he usually is, but the dance room is so hot that his normally straight hair now frames his face in waves. You push back the thought that this is what his hair would look like after sex and make your way across the floor. He’s just a boy, you remind yourself the closer you get. Then you’re there, and you realize you probably should have practiced what you were going to say to him during the previous three songs. And now as Usher guides your movements, it’s too late.

    He looks over as you approach and he offers you a smile, which you know is meant to be inviting, but he looks so damn good that it makes your arms break out in goosebumps.

    “Hi,” you manage with a smile.

    “Hi.”

    You think you might let the silence fall for a beat too long, because Jungkook’s friend that may or may not be named Jimin has the time to look between the two of you before you continue.

    “I follow you on Instagram,” is out of your mouth before you can stop it, and you can feel your ears visibly redden once you realize how stupid that sounds.

     He laughs and you pray to whatever god might be listening that he wasn’t laughing at you.

     “I follow you too,” he says.

     “Thanks for that,” you cringe. It’s silent again for a beat too long, but then you think some god must have been listening, because his friend becomes your second hero of the night.

     “He’d love to dance with you,” Maybe Jimin says as he pushes Jungkook in your direction, and that’s exactly the intervention you need to reach out for his hand.

      You pull Jungkook through the crowd of people and begin to dance with him as soon as you find a spot that doesn’t make you feel claustrophobic. You think for a second how ironic it is to find an open space when you place your hips flush with his and begin to dance to whatever overplayed song the fraternity brother playing DJ has chosen.

      He’s a better dancer than you would have guessed, his hips moving heavenly with the music, and the way he hardens beneath you helps heighten the confidence the alcohol gave you. His body is strong behind yours, and for a moment you wish you hadn’t had so much to drink because then you might have invited him back to your place to see what his body felt like on top of yours.

    It’s four songs later when the sound of his name breaks your heart.

    “Jeon!” Someone yells, from across the room, causing Jungkook to pull away from you and search for his friend. He must find him when he grabs your hand and pulls you with him. The culprit is smiling as you meet him and motions for you to follow him. “We need two more for beer pong and it’s time for you to put your money where your mouth is.”

    Jungkook looks back at you, “Do you want to play?”

    Considering your options appear to be leaving Jungkook to writhe around in the dance room with some other people that you are absolutely no longer interested in or play a drinking game with Jungkook and potentially speak to him about something other than the fact that you follow him on Instagram, you do not hesitate to say yes.

    You find out two things about Jungkook very quickly. Firstly, he is very good at beer pong and secondly, he is very competitive, which the first thing helps.

    “Taehyung is going to regret asking us to play,” Jungkook smiles as he hands you a ping pong ball.

    “Less trash talking, and more playing, yeah?” Taehyung raises an eyebrow.

     “Don’t rush my partner, yeah?” Jungkook copies Taehyung’s stature, and you can’t help but laugh at how theatrical he is.

     “Patience is a virtue, young Taehyung,” you say as you aim for a red solo cup.

     The ball lands in the drink with a satisfying slosh and Jungkook high-fives your success. It’s five more games of this and then your stomach betrays you. No longer are you focused on winning. No, now you are focused on feeding whatever beast entered your system with the alcohol.

     “Jungkook,” you start. “How do you feel about shenanigans?”

     His head tilts to the side as he looks at you. “Shenanigans?”

     “Do you trust me?”

     He smiles and nods his head. “Lead the way, Captain,” he says with a salute.

     Your fingers intertwine with his as you lead him out of the fraternity house and onto the streets.

     “Shenanigans,” you say turning around to look at him, continuing to walk backwards, “are what happens after the party. Anything can be a shenanigan if you really set your mind to it.”

     “And what does tonight have in store for us,” he asks.

     “Well, Jungkook, I hope you’re hungry. Because it’s waffle time.”

     “Lucky for you,” he laughs. “I’m always hungry.”

     You laugh as well as you turn in a circle. When you stop your whirling, you find Jungkook’s arms braced, clearly ready to catch you.

     “You’re going to fall, drunkie.”

     “Please call me by my government name, Drunkard Joseph Montgomery Alabama the third.”

     “Wow, that is a name.”

     “Thank you, it was my father’s and his father’s before him.”

     “Thus, the third.”

     “Thus, the third,” You laugh.

     The fluorescent lights of your local Waffle House should make Jungkook look slightly worse for wear as you know they are doing to you and as they do to most humans, but clearly Jungkook is not like the rest of the mere mortals that roam this Earth, because you swear to god his eyes sparkle as he looks at the plastic menu before him. He keeps switching between the breakfast and the lunch/dinner side of the menu, mumbling under his breath that his not sure which he’s in the mood for at the moment.

    You do not face the same problem, as you order the All-Star breakfast every time. There has never been a moment where you have sat in these yellow booths and not wanted waffles. You figure if the establishment is named after a specific food, you should probably order that food, and you’re just about to tell Jungkook as much when he sets his menu down and looks up at you.

    “I have decided,” he said, his tone serious.

    “Do tell.”

    “Burger,” he smiled.

    “Wrong.”

    His face falls at this. “Wrong?”

    “We’re at Waffle House, the only right answer is waffles.”

    “Wrong,” he responds, copying your tone from before. “They sell more than just waffles; therefore, you are meant to order things other than waffles as well.”

     “Okay, IHOB.”

     “What did you just call me?” he asks, his face breaking into a large smile.

     “IHOB, as in the International House of Burgers,” you stick your tongue out, which earns a laugh from your companion. “When in Rome, order waffles.”

     “I don’t think that’s the saying,”

     “I don’t think this is a burger establishment.”

     The waitress approaches your booth at this moment, and Jungkook quickly places his burger order, sticking his tongue out at you as she writes his burger on the ticket.

     “And since I’m a responsible adult, I’ll be having the All-Star breakfast,” you said when it was your turn to order.

    The waitress nods as she writes down your order, “Bacon, sausage, or ham.”

    “Sausage, please.”

    “Wrong,” Jungkook responds as the waitress walks away. “The only valid choice when bacon is an option is bacon.”

    “Oh, grow up,” you roll your eyes. “Sausage is a valid option.”

    He shakes his head, “Only when bacon isn’t available.”

    “Pretty bold talk from a guy who might be asking me to choose his sausage later.”

     He reddens at this, his eyes widening, but never leaving your face. The words were out of your mouth before you could think better, and you’re pretty sure the only reason you don’t get up and leave is because you’re still pretty drunk.

     Jungkook shakes his head, as a smile spreads across his face. “I don’t think any bacon will be present at that moment, so sausage would be a valid choice.”

     You can’t help but laugh at this, and Jungkook joins you. You talk about school after you calm down, and you’ve started to talk about your hometowns by the time the waitress brings your meals. You both shake your heads at the other’s order, causing the laughter to return, and it takes a few moments before you can actually begin to eat.

     You’re almost finished with your waffle, when you realize everyone else in the restaurant is focused on the staff behind the counter. Jungkook is telling you a story about his older brother, but you can’t focus as you try and figure out what has everyone’s attention. You’re not sure if it’s the fact that you’re drunk, or the fact that talking to Jungkook comes so naturally, but you’ve completely missed the altercation brewing between the staff. Their voices get louder with each word, and before it can get any worse, you take money out of your wallet, quickly making sure that it is enough to cover both meals plus the tip and stand up. You reach for Jungkook’s hand, while he stares up at you dumbfounded, and you make your way for the door. You’re just about to make it out, when one of the employees finally makes contact with the other. You freeze at the action, and stand stunned, not sure if you’re waiting to see if he’s okay or if anyone will do anything to stop it. The next thing you know, the punched employee, is grabbing the other by the shirt and throwing him against the counter.

    Jungkook takes action at this, pulling you out the door with him and through the parking lot. You turn to look at Jungkook with wide eyes, not sure how your shenanigan ended up quite like this.

    “Holy shit,” he breathes, as he rakes a hand through his hair. “I guess that’s Waffle House at 2:00 a.m. for you.”

    You can’t help but laugh at this, though you feel a bit of guilt considering how awful the situation is. Jungkook smiles at this and for that alone you’re glad that you laughed.

    “Come on,” you say, as you look at your surroundings. “There’s a river around here, I want to show you.”

    Jungkook follows, not having dropped your hand yet, and you walk like this in the direction of the park you like to go to sometimes. It’s pitch-black as you near the location, which causes you to grip Jungkook’s hand a bit tighter than before. If he’s as nervous as you, he doesn’t let on, but he does pull his phone from his pocket and turn his flashlight on, which you are thankful for. Your pace quickens after this, the excitement of showing Jungkook the river driving you forward, and when you arrive, you drop his hand before skipping towards the bank.

    You turn around to face him, positively beaming as you stretch your arms as if to say here it is, the grand finale, and Jungkook matches your wide smile. He walks towards you, as you bend down to take your shoes off. When you look back up, he’s looking at you with confusion on his face.

    “Well, I’m not going to wear my shoes into the water,” you answered.

    “We’re going in the water?”

    “Shenanigans, Jungkook. They’re not done yet,” you said, as you turned around and made your way into the river. The silence of the night is inviting, and you find yourself closing your eyes and leaning your head back in relaxation. You hear Jungkook wade in behind you, and you only open your eyes when his movement stops.

    He’s looking at you and he smiles when your eyes meet his. “How did you find this place?”

    “I used to babysit these kids freshmen year, and their mom took them to this park.”

    “I haven’t really left campus that much,” he admits, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’d be nice to run here though.”

    You nod in agreement, turning to look up at the few stars above. Jungkook reaches for your hand in the dark, and you reach back, feeling comforted by his presence here. You think for a moment that it’s nice that you two can just stand here in the silence like this, and you’re about to say something to that effect, when suddenly Jungkook sends a wave of water hurtling towards you. You’re shocked when you look down to see him crouched, ready to splash you again.

    “Shenanigans,” he says, simply, as he launches another attack on you.

    This time you’re prepared, and you block your face, though it does very little to help. Quickly, you’re crouching as well, not one to go down without a fight, and soon both of you are soaking wet and breathless. Jungkook’s hair hangs heavy around his face, water dripping from his black locks onto his cheeks, and you hate to even think about the state that your makeup is in now.

    The smirk on Jungkook’s face, tells you all you need to know, and you shake your head in response. “I look like a monster, right?”

    “You could convincingly be cast in a horror movie.”

     You give him the middle finger at this, before trudging back to land. You’re about halfway back, when you hear Jungkook running after you, and as you turn around to see what he is doing, he’s wrapping his arms around your middle and picking you up.

     “Jeon Jungkook!” you scream, as you pound at his back. “Put me down.”

     He only laughs in response, carrying you the rest of the way to the shore. He finally complies with your demand, placing you underneath a tree. He sits down, and when you don’t immediately follow, he pats the space beside him, looking up at you with big eyes.

    You chuckle as you join him at the base of the tree, and he smiles triumphantly.

    “Maybe it’s too soon to call, but I think I might be better at shenanigans than you.”

    You scoff. “You made me look like the grudge. That is foul play and not allowed during a night of shenanigans.”

    “Oh, excuse me. I was under the impression that there was only one rule and that was to have fun.”

    “I am not having fun.”

    “You’re not?” he frowns. “I don’t know, seemed like you were having fun.”

    “Nope, not anymore. I spent too much time and money on this makeup to consider this fun.”

    “What a shame,” he smiles. “I kind of like this look.”

    “Really?” you deadpan.

    “Yeah, it says ‘just know that if you ever break up with me, I will murder your ass.’”

    “Oh, good. That’s the energy I want to be putting out into the world.”

    Jungkook laughs. “You’re very welcome for helping you achieve your truest form.”

    You’re silent for a beat after this, both of you smiling widely at each other, and you think that you are in no rush to get home. You think that he may lean in and kiss you, because he keeps looking down at your lips, and he moves slightly forward, but his eyes completely leave yours, and he’s reaching for something on the ground instead.

    You’re about to stand up and leave, your new found sobriety horrified that you might have just embarrassed yourself, but then Jungkook is looking at you again and smiling.

   “A geode,” he said, bring a rock between the two of you. “My dad and I used to collect this when I was little.”

   You nod your head, not sure what to say because your brain just keeps screaming about how much of an idiot you are but also how cute he is, and it’s too much for you to come up with a reasonable response.

    “For you,” he smiles widely, as he reaches for your hand and places the rock into it. “Never forget our shenanigans.”

     “Never,” you agree, bringing the hand holding the rock to your heart.

      He beams at this and then stands up. “We should probably try and get home before the sun rises.”

     You nod your head, though you don’t agree. You would stay out here until the sun set again if you got to keep talking to Jungkook.  You begin the walk back to campus, showing Jungkook a shortcut you had found a few months ago, and when Jungkook should veer off to head back to his fraternity house, he keeps going straight with you. You try to fight the blush that creeps up your neck as you realize this.

    He’s talking animatedly about something Taehyung did a few weekends ago when you finally make it to your apartment. He seems to hesitate for a moment, but then he’s smiling and staying firmly on his side of the hallway.

   “Thanks for walking me back,” you said finally.

   “Of course,” he nods. “I’ll see you around, yeah?”

    You nod your head as well, a bit disappointed that yet again he isn’t attempting to kiss you, and you think for a moment that maybe this meant way more to you than it did to him.

   “Tight,” he said. “Then I better get going. Goodnight, _____.”

   “Goodnight, Jungkook.” You watched as he walked down the hallway towards the exit, and once he was out of sight you unlock the front door and make you way inside.

     You sigh as you kick off your shoes and make your way further into the kitchen to pour yourself a glass of water. You’re taking your first sip when there’s a knock at the door. You check quickly to see who it is, and your heart races as familiar doe eyes stare back at you. Goosebumps cover your arms as you open the door.

   “Sorry, I just-” he nervously rubs at the back of his neck. “I forgot something,” he said, as he closed the distance between the two of you and pulled you into a kiss. Your damp clothes rub awkwardly against your body, and Jungkook’s burger breath catches you more off guard than the kiss itself, yet still you melt in his arms, and you think this is the kind of thing people write songs about.

    And when he’s pulling away, you think you want to capture the way he looks at you in a photo and look at it all day long.

    “Goodnight again, _____.”

© gimmeyoon — all rights reserved. reposting, modifying, or translation onto other sites even with proper credit given is not permitted.

[kweebtrash]

Alive (M)

Messy Chapter 5

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny (Lucas, Yuta)

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU, Angst, Smut

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings: drugs/description of tripping , alcohol, sexual assault (not in explicit detail; in total about 5 sentences), toxic “relationships”, “controlling behavior” (Non consensual), physical/emotional abuse, physiological self harm/unhealthy coping mechanisms ,severe depression, anxiety, anger issues, minimal violence, 

Features: Two full sex scenes/1 mini scene, Threesomes (MFF), eating out/blowjobs, fingering, rough sex, choking, a hint of daddy kink, hair pulling, biting/scratching, unprotected sex, controlling dynamics (consensual), overstimulation, edging, a smidge of bdsm dynamics and toy use, and of course not being able to make up your damn mind about your feelings.

Word Count: around 16k

A/N: So this is the first time I’ve ever written anything as serious as this. And it’s super angsty and dark and there’s a lot going on. I hope everyone still enjoys it as much as the other chapters. I felt like it was important enough to write about this and the consequences it poses as part of character building. It also carries into how the story progresses in Chapter 6, (mentions in 7) 9, 10 (tentatively) and overall how it affects Johnny as a person within this AU. (Also obvious warning but everything that happens to johnny is fictional in this story)

Messy Masterlist   Buy me a Ko-Fi  Other Stories

Neon lights were flashing chaotically, trying to fall in line with the choppy transitions the DJ spun. If i wasn’t so anxious I would probably push him out the way and show the crowd that I could do a way better job. But the hoard of sweaty bodies plastered together paired with the lights and the vibrating bass- everything was making me want to vomit. I had no idea why I decided to come other than that I thought this rave would help me relax but it was honestly doing the opposite. I tossed back the rest of my drink and crushed the plastic cup, chucking it onto the floor of the warehouse. I wanted to go home but I was stuck trying to keep track of Taeyong and Ten like a glorified babysitter. Once my anxiety hit and they went off in their separate ways they were lost for what seemed like forever. Now I was forced to wait for us to regroup while my heart raced a mile a minute. I pressed my head to the wall and forced myself to take deep breaths.

“HEY!” I jumped suddenly at the voice beside me. I looked over and saw Taeyong. “What are you doing all the way over here?! Why don’t you dance?” He was trying to yell over the thumping music and I could barely hear him. I gave him a confused look and instead got closer for him to shout in my ear. “You look like shit! What’s wrong?!”

“Nothing! Just not really feeling this anymore! Are you guys ready to go?”

“No way! It’s only like 2am! Besides I think Ten went to have an orgy or something! I don’t know.”

I wanted to slam my head against the wall now. Just my fucking luck. “Did he leave yet?! I’m about to ditch him and drive home!”

Taeyong just gave me a confused shrug and I was sure he hadn’t heard me clearly. “I got something that will make you feel less shitty!” He held out his hand and revealed two pills.

“What the hell is it?” I was skeptical, especially since Taeyong could be really stupid at times. It wouldn’t surprise me if he took random drugs from a stranger.

“Don’t know! Just live a little! You’re being a dick today! Eri hasn’t fucked you lately?!” He laughed before popping one pill into his mouth and taking a swig of his drink. Why was everyone always up my ass about if I fucked Eri or not? I had kept it mostly to myself but I was done with her, especially after how close we had been the last few times we hooked up. It was getting to be too much and I felt my heart and stomach do weird shit whenever I was with her. I didn’t like it one bit. The last straw was at the amusement park. I couldn’t take how good she felt riding me and even worse I couldn’t take how sweet she had been to me when I hurt my hand. It was too intimate, too wrapped up in emotions. I had left her on read for so long that it wasn’t phasing me anymore, even though I would catch her looking over at me during class. Every once in awhile our eyes would meet just for a second but that’s all I let happen.

“Shut up. I’m not being a dick! I just don’t trust random shit you bought at a rave!” He dropped it into my hand anyway and handed me the rest of his drink.

“Take it! Have fun! I’ll see you later!” With that I lost Taeyong in the sea of people. I wiped my hand over my face, sighing deeply. I pressed my back against the wall again and stared at the tiny pastel pill, mulling over my possible options. I could continue being miserable and responsible and not ditch my friends since I was their ride here or I could be irresponsible, get fucked up, forget my anxiety, all the crap I had to deal with, and become numb to every feeling I’ve wanted to ignore since the party in August. Bottoms up.

I swallowed it, finishing off the rest of the drink and letting the cup join my previous one on the dirty floor. Hopefully this would kick in soon and I wouldn’t want to die as much. Being surrounded by so many people always made me feel like I was suffocating and they were closing in on me. To distract myself in the mean time I pulled out my phone and scrolled through my Instagram feed absentmindedly. I yawned as nothing really caught my eye until I came across a video from one of Eri’s accounts. Someone, I think it was Lucas, was licking and kissing her neck in the most obscene way. She captioned it as “Baby Boy is so needy today.” I wanted to crush my phone as easily as i did the plastic cup. Why the hell did she have to post such gross shit? I tried to calm myself- there was no need to get angry. She could fuck whoever she wanted and I could fuck whoever I wanted. No strings attached, no feelings, no longing for her skin against mine, her lips against mine, or her fingers running through my hair. Nope, none of that.

I set my phone in my pocket, refusing to look at it anymore.My excuse was that my battery was only at 43% and i couldn’t risk not having enough power for the ride back home. The music was slowly starting to not sound as bad and I found myself actually bobbing my head to the beat. It was weird, like I could feel it vibrating in my bones. I started drumming my fingers against my thighs as the dance floor seemed to call out to me. I was always better at choreographed dances that anything freestyle but making a fool out of myself seemed to be a great idea now. I pushed myself off the wall and made my way into the crowd. Sticky, sweaty bodies brushed against me and instead of wanting to pull away, every touch made me explode into a rush of heightened senses. Everyone felt so good. I wanted any and every touch at all. I couldn’t help but smile and suddenly i was in a laughing fit, giggling uncontrollably like an idiot.

I felt hands on me then and I didn’t think much about it until they turned me around. A girl was in front of me now, equally as happy and smiley as I was. I returned her touches and even her kisses when she suddenly connected with my lips. I had no idea who she was and at this point I didn't really care. I grabbed onto her ass and pulled her closer, grinding my hips against her roughly. She dug her nails into my shoulders, standing on her tiptoes to reach me. I was half tempted to pick her up and hold her around my waist but she broke our kiss suddenly, bringing my attention to someone beside her. It was presumably her friend by the way they exchanged coy glances. I resumed my kiss with the new girl instead but held them both close to me. Through dancing, heated grinds, and horny kisses we made our way out of the warehouse some time later.

However, the concept of time was starting to become a mystery to me in of itself. Everything that was happening was such a blur. Colors were turning into smells that were turning into tastes. I couldn't even piece together how i got into a bed. Was it my bed? Had I even drove? My head was pounding but i found myself tangled in a copious amount of limbs. My cock sunk into whatever hole I could find, subconsciously guided by moans and eager cries. Everything felt so good I never wanted it to end. For once, in these past couple of months, my mind was on anything but Eri and fuck if it didn’t feel good.

What didn’t feel good was when I woke up the next afternoon. My head was pounding and my mouth felt like a desert. It was a struggle to even move as I felt so weak and heavy. I realized i was still in bed and there were bodies on either side of me. Slowly I raised my head and blinked my eyes into focus. Who the hell were these people? I groaned and sat up and nausea washed over me instantly. I kept still for a moment, trying not to send my empty stomach into an acidic launch of bile. Apparently my minimal movement had woken up one of the girls beside me, the one with brightly colored hair, haphazardly placed tattoos, and multiple piercings. She was stick thin but rather tall and I was surprised I had even gone after someone like her. But seeing how fucked up I must have been yesterday I guess my preferences didn’t matter. She slipped out of the bed easily, as if the drugs hadn’t affected her at all. Maybe she didn’t take any though I could’ve sworn everyone at the rave did. I could see bites littering her entire body and giant bruises across her thighs and hips. What the fuck did I do?

She had gone to the bathroom, not even so much as glancing at me. In the meantime I was trying to convince myself I had enough strength to move my legs. They felt like tingly jello and I was sure if I tried to get up I would collapse. The girl came back from the bathroom and I managed to croak out a few words. “Hey, did I drive here? Do you know where my keys are?” My voice was raspy and barely audible.

She smirked and straddled my lap, ignoring my questions. It annoyed me as I needed to know my plan of action. I also had to start thinking about where the hell was T.Y. and Ten. I wondered if they had gotten home ok and if T.Y. was as fucked up as I was. “Hey cutie.” Her light and airy voice greeted me and I looked up as her as she pushed me back onto the mattress. “You were fucking amazing last night.”

“Ah, thanks but-” She grabbed a hold of my wrists and pinned them beside my head. I tried to push her off but my body still felt like dead weight. “I-I really need to go. My friends-”

She silenced me with a kiss which i didn’t reciprocate. I started to panic, knowing with how I felt I wasn’t strong enough to defend myself. All i could do was try and protest as much as possible, moving my head away from her wandering lips while I was internally screaming for her to get off me. It was no use. My body was reacting to her touches against my will and I shut down. I returned to that oh so scary and familiar void where I was numb, swallowed up by my hurt and suffering, could ignore what would haunt me forever.

--

Her name was Rixi and it turned out she went to our college which meant that after the night of the rave all she did was follow me around campus. Almost every waking moment was spent with her around me though I despised everything about her being. She clung to me like glue and I couldn’t get rid of her no matter how hard I tried. My mind wasn’t as strong as I needed it to be. Regular Johnny would tell this idiot to kick rocks, but this empty Johnny couldn’t function. It was like I was having an out of body experience watching myself go day by day pretending nothing was wrong. I had to push forward even though I wanted to stay curled up in my bed all day suffering in silence. Sleep beckoned me at every moment but I was having more night terrors. The hours i actually slept were minimal and didn’t help my zombie like state. Nonetheless, I kept pushing myself, forcing myself, to work. I had to pay rent, bills, and eat, even though I wasn’t doing much of that either. I also had to turn in projects and my higher than average GPA was on the verge of sinking. Jae had to carry most of the radio show. I just read off the notes and script uncharismatically. He seemed to notice that something was off but I just told him it was a really bad stomach flu. He left it at that for now but I could tell he wanted to pry some more.

With my academic and work life in the shit, Rixi blocked off my romantic life with anyone but her. She managed to get me into a bed a few more times which i didn't understand. I didn't want her at all, in fact having sex with her reminded me of that night after the rave, but i did it anyway. I had always used sex as an unhealthy coping mechanism for shit i didnt want to deal with- it was better to feel like i was having fun and didn't care than face my problems head on. Maybe I wanted to hurt myself, psychologically at least. It would be punishment for being so stupid at the rave and probably for that entire time I ignored Eri without even giving her so much as a proper explanation as to why. She made my body feel good and everything was natural with her. She made me feel...happy. It wasn't like i was hurting myself; it was a genuine connection which scared the hell out of me.

I found myself wanting that little sliver of happiness or at least some form of stability back in my life. I wanted to pull myself away from Rixi's toxicity but it continued to drown and swallow me whole. Some days I wanted to reach out to Eri but I was too chicken shit to do it. Instead I settled for using my imagination to replace Rixi with Eri for the sake of my sanity. Every time I fucked her, kissed her, touched any part of her, I imagined the person I longed for the most. It was giving Rixi the wrong impression and I was only digging my grave deeper. In the rare times I managed to escape her death grip I tried to get my mind off of both the women that haunted my existence. I came to realize that I was using Eri too much as a crutch and losing my humanity in the presence of Rixi. Thus, i stayed within my misery.

Eventually, as if I didn’t have enough shit going on, Rixi found it completely rational to overreact over everything I did. I couldn’t look at my instagram feeds, I couldn’t create music or art because I “wasn’t paying enough attention” to her, and if I didn’t answer her texts right away she presumed I was ignoring her. Each time I messed up she landed a smack or a punch to my body, mostly my ribcage. At first I thought nothing of it. I playfully hit my friends all the time and accidentally created some bruises that I didn’t mean to but the more it happened with Rixi the more I knew that it wasn’t playful. It was malicious and starting to become painful, especially when the same spot was hit over and over. I could normally stop her when she got too out of hand but it would bring her to whine even more and make my head want to explode. There were days where I let her carry on because it was better than hearing her mouth.

I tried hanging out with my friends to create some sort of safety net. Being around them, made me feel a little better though the exchange was awkward. We we all sitting at the student center having met up for lunch. Of course Rixi found a way to follow me there, never leaving my side. The guys wouldn’t look me in the eye but they all traded whispers and uneasy glances in my direction. The normal chatter and banter we had disappeared and I wish I could just scream at the top of my lungs. I sat back in my seat, scrolling through my phone which I tried to keep hidden from her view. She kept craning her neck to see what I was doing, who I was looking at, and if there were any women involved. Heaven forbid I liked any content with them. If I came across something she didn’t like all I did was apologize and try and shrug her off but her death grip remained on my arm.

“So like,” Ten finally spoke up. “Pixel-”

“It’s Rixi.” She snapped.

“Yeah, whatever. When are you gonna leave?”

“What do you mean leave?”

“Like, leave Johnny alone. You’re being ridiculously clingy. It’s not cute.”

“I’m not being clingy and I have no reason to leave my boyfriend.”

Jae spat out his drink, spraying it across the table. It landed all over Taeyong who stood up and threw a napkin at him. Yuta’s eyes went wide and Taeil’s mouth hung open. Ten instantly went on his phone, furiously typing away. They all looked at me as if they needed confirmation. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to tell them that I wasn’t her boyfriend and was basically trapped and couldn’t escape her. I wanted help, someone to help me get rid of her but I couldn’t ask the guys. They wouldn’t understand. I couldn’t be vulnerable around them. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell Jae the truth.

“Wait...Johnny are you seriously-like seriously, serious-?” Taeil asked.

I said nothing.

“Fuck…” Yuta whispered. “That’s uh...fuck. What about Eri?”

“Who’s Eri?” Rixi practically growled.

“I’m Eri.”

My entire body shot up, frozen in place as I saw her. She had appeared behind Yuta as if we had summoned her. In reality, Lucas was with her and they were probably passing through the center to get something to eat as well. My throat closed up as our eyes met. It was only for a second because she instantly switched her glare over to Rixi. An angry aura was emanating from her and i could see her trying to keep her cool. God, i needed to talk to her before anything spiraled out of control. If I didn’t then the student center would turn into a National Geographic battleground where two head lionesses were going to tear at each other’s throats.

“Ooohhh and the drama continues!!” Ten laughed, typing again on his phone.

I went to stand up and make my way over to her but Rixi pulled me back down, her nails digging into my skin. I shot her a glare almost unable to keep my seething anger behind my teeth. “Let me go.” I hissed. She shook her head quickly and I could practically feel the bruises start to form in the shape of her fingers. Eri spoke again, snapping my attention back to her and forgetting about the pain in my bicep. It was then I noticed that she was wearing my flannel shirt. The one she had fallen asleep in when we me back from our amusement park date- well, hang out. I had forgotten it when I ran out of her room after our last fuck. By the time I had remembered that I left it behind I was already ignoring her texts and trying to put some distance between us. I even prevented myself from caving in and texting her to ask for it back. Now she was here, perfect as ever, and I still loved the way it looked on her.

“Guess I came at the right time, what are my favorite sluts talking about me for?” she said.

“Weeeeellllllll-”

“Shut the fuck up Ten.” I almost yelled, knowing that he was purposefully going to tell her about what transpired. His gossiping was going to make everything worse before I could clear the air. Every pair of eyes traded looks between me and Eri as tensions surmounted to an unfathomable level.

“Wow, rude. I wasn’t going to say anything about your girlfriend.”

And there it was. I tried not to show my irritation but my jaw was already twitching and my fists were balled up at my side.

“Girlfr-?” Eri seemed to stop herself from finishing the word. She squared her shoulders and posed a fake smile and I knew she was locking away what she really wanted to say. “Oh, i’m happy you finally found someone to deal with your bullshit. Anyway, I was passing through and I remembered that I had to drop something off to Yuta.”

“Me?” Yuta asked, surprised.

“Yep!” She opened her backpack and dumped out a plethora of rope, ballgags, and even some toys onto his lap. Yuta’s entire face beamed red and he fumbled to try and hide the stuff quickly.

“E-Eri!!!” he whined.

She just continued to smile, completely satisfied with her antics. She grabbed Lucas’ hand and turned away from our group leaving me longing for her even more. There wasn't anyway I could go after her now. I sighed and set my hea in my hands, wishing I could take back everything.

“Yongho-hyung.” I heard Jae say sternly in Korean. My head snapped up to him and I could tell he was serious. He stood up, ripping Rixi’s arm off me, and instead pulled me away from the table. “Don't you fucking dare follow us.” He hissed at her. She luckily obeyed, though she was full of annoyance. I followed Jae until we found a corner away from the hustle and bustle of student life. “What in the actual fuck, Johnny? What is going on with you? This whole month you’ve been acting weird and now you have a girlfriend?”

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

“She literally just said you were her boyfriend. If you don’t like her then you need to tell her. You can’t drag this- Is that a bruise on your arm?”

I pushed my hair back and looked away from him. What I was about to say hurt my pride and made me feel so miniscule and pathetic. But I had to reach out for someone. I just prayed that Jae didn’t judge me or think lesser of me for acting this way. “I need help, man.”

--

Eri’s Pov

“Eri! Eri! You’re crushing my hand! Slow down!” Lucas shouted.

I was furious. More than furious. I was any and every word in the dictionary to describe pissed off. He literally left me on read for weeks and didn't have the balls to even tell me he was dating someone?! What kind of shit for brains human being doesn't have to courtesy to tell someone they wanted to end their fuck buddy relationship? My whole body felt like it was trembling. I pulled off his stupid flannel about ready to throw it into the nearest garbage can. Lucas yanked my arm back hard, making me crash into him. “WHAT?!” I yelled.

“Calm the fuck down. You're literally in rage mode and knowing you you're going to lose your cool. I don’t need that to happen, ok?”

“Do NOT tell me to calm down.” I said through grit teeth.

“Too bad. I need you to. I can take you home. I don't really think you should go to class.”

The rational side of my brain knew that Lucas was right. My anger had always been a problem, something I tried my damndest to control but when it struck, I had a bad habit of creating chaos. I wouldn't be able to concentrate in class and if anything triggered me-voices, sounds, lights- havoc would ensue. The irrational part of my brain told me to kill him. It even told me to kill that stupid little twat who thought she could swoop and steal Johnny from me. I bet she couldn't fuck him like I could, couldn't make him cum like I could, and probably couldn't even get him to stay over and cater to her heart's feelings like he did with me. I was better than her and wanted to crush her into dust under my boots.

Lucas snapped his fingers in front of me. “Eri, back to me. I know you're thinking bad stuff. Stop it. Please get a hold of yourself. Do you want me to call Quinn?”

Quinn.

No matter how clueless and endlessly horny they were they meant the world to me. They were always smart enough to talk me through my episodes and get me to realize that killing people was still illegal. It always ticked me off when they were right about the shitty ways i addressed my issues but I needed that reality check. I nodded helplessly as I felt the switch of wanting to bawl my eyes out quickly wash over me. Lucas sighed and pulled me into his chest squeezing me tight.

“We need to go. I don't need that jackass to see you like this, ok? Let's get you home.”

He kept an arm around my shoulder and guided me towards the exit of the student center as he pulled out his phone. I barely heard the conversation he had with Quinn. I was focusing so hard on trying not to shed any tears as I drove home. A man was nothing to cry over and another woman was nothing to be jealous of. It went against the entirety of my ideals but i was still screaming at the hurt. The girlfriend wasn't the reason for my anger- though it played a role in it. No, the betrayal, the absence of truth, and the overwhelming cowardice was what got under my skin.

I managed to keep my composure through the short drive back to the apartment but completely lost it when i saw Quinn already sitting in my room. I slammed the door shut and ran into their arms, practically tackling them onto the bed. With my face buried in their chest I broke into ugly heart wrenching sobs with tears as big as hail. It seemed never ending and Quinn patiently petted my head not saying a single word until I was ready. Lucas remained outside in the living room and I was sure he could hear everything. I was embarrassed now and almost wished he wasn't here but i had to at least thank him for keeping a level head while mine was about to explode.

“I just wish,” i swallowed hard. “I just wish he would've told me instead of throwing it in my face. You should've seen the way she was clutching onto him, like some...clingy, stupid, little irritating slut! Who even does that? And he just let it happen. He can't even tell someone when they don't want to be fuck buddies anymore.”

“I know, Eri. But you really can’t dwell on it. I know you had feelings-”

“I did NOT have feelings for him.”

Quinn set their hand over mine and gave me a slightly condescending look, like they didn't believe me. “Regardless,” they continued. “Men ain't shit and this just proves how much of a piece of scum he was. You are everything, Eri. It sounds cheesy to say but you're so amazing and he doesn't deserve an ounce of what you gave him.” They grabbed my hands tight and squeezed them. “One day you're gonna find someone that treats you right. Someone who you're not afraid to love and you can trust with all your heart. I know you don't really believe in love but it is going to happen to you someday. Please, just please, don't waste your time over him.”

They wiped the tears from my face before handing me several tissues. I blew my nose, over and over and wiped at my puffy face until my sobs turned into small sniffles and hiccups. Eventually I calmed down even further when Quinn pulled me back into their arms and covered me in gentle kisses. I cracked the smallest of smiles when their lips pressed against my forehead and trailed down to my nose. “You're stronger than all of this, okay? You're the one that defends us all. You're mommy and daddy.” They chuckled. “But above all you’re the best and I want to do everything I can to make you feel better.”

“Can you bury the body once I kill Johnny?” I laughed.

“Well, duh. Who else is gonna help you? Lucas? He’s dumber than I am.”

“That is true. I’m embarrassed that he probably heard me cry like a big gay baby.”

“If he says anything about it, i’ll clock him in the jaw.”

I smiled at the sentiment but couldn’t help think back to the night of the beach party where Johnny decked Matt in the face for being such an asshole. At least back then he seemed like a caring human being and I could tolerate him. I actually wanted to be with him then. Well, be around him. I had to push those thoughts away and get over what was hurting me the most. Just then, there was a knock on my bedroom door. “Is it ok to come in?” Lucas asked. I nodded and Quinn beckoned him in. He smiled and came over to my bed sitting behind me and pulling me between his legs. “Are you feeling any better?”

“A little. I stopped crying and don’t feel like taking a bat to his car so...i guess i’m okay for now.”

“Ok, I was worried for a bit there.” He wrapped his arms around my ribcage and squeezed me gently to his chest.

“Yeah, me fucking too.”

Quinn came closer to us and set their head on Lucas’ shoulder. “We could still take a bat to his car. It’s a beat up piece of shit anyway.”

I gave Quinn a little kiss before setting my head back on Lucas’ chest. “Don’t give me any ideas ok?”

They gave me another kiss holding it a little longer before realizing what they were doing. “Wait, sorry. I shouldn’t. That was terrible of me. You’re feeling like shit. I’m an idiot.”

I gave them a small shrug. “No, it’s okay. I don’t mind it. Actually, feeling anything but what I’m feeling now is helpful.”

“Uh...should I leave?” Lucas asked.

I turned my attention towards Lucas, wrapping my arms around him. “No. Stay here. I owe you remember.”

“Are you sure?” He asked. He looked at me then at Quinn as if to confirm everything.

“Eri’s in charge. Whatever they say goes.Though I don’t particularly think it’s a good idea to do this now, if you really think it’ll make you feel better then...”

“Please...I’d like to forget about all this shit and feel good.”

Lucas nodded and chewed at his bottom lip. I looked up at him, giving him a reassuring smile before i covered his lips in my own. Quinn took up residence behind me, tentatively holding my hips and nuzzling my shoulders. Their dainty hands slid underneath my shirt and rubbed at my stomach before cupping my breasts. I pulled away from Lucas to lift the shirt over my head and toss it nearby. He plucked away the clasps of my bra, sliding it down my arms and letting it join my shirt. Quinn tugged at my hips this time, letting me know they wanted my attention. I smiled, always enamored by their cuteness and ability to beg for me. I turned my body towards them, and pushed them lightly back onto the bed. They were only in an over sized shirt and panties and i made quick work in pulling those away. With their body free for me to command I wrapped my lips around their overly sensitive nipples, pulling them into perfect pink peaks. A few sucks at a time to each one would already draw impatient moans from them. The tease was always part of the fun and I pulled away to retreat back to their lips for another round of slow kisses.

Lucas stepped off the bed momentarily, allowing himself more space to pull off his sweatshirt and shorts from his tall frame. He cupped my chin in his hand and leaned down for a quick kiss. “Go lower.” He whispered.

I smiled dreamily as I listened, trailing kisses down Quinn’s stomach until I parted their thighs. Lucas turned Quinn’s head towards him, rubbing the head of his semi hard cock over the outline of their lips before sliding himself in. His eyes fell closed and I watched Quinn’s cheeks hollow ever so slightly with each suck luring him to a pleasure ridden state. His head dipped back and his slender fingers buried themselves within their dirty blonde hair. It was tempting to spend all night watching them flow together so effortlessly but instead I joined in on the fun and dove my head between Quinn’s legs. They still smelled of the sweet florals of their body wash which made me smile as I covered their lower lips with my tongue. A quick gasp wrapped around Lucas’ dick which made him bite his lip and pull them closer. I drifted my tongue through the budding wetness taking in the warm taste. My lips created gentle tugs on their clit, making the tender nerves swell and garner more favored reactions from my best friend.

I felt my own heat stirring and I pressed my thighs together to try and get a bit of friction but it was useless. I let out a bit of a frustrated groan as I was starting to become hungry for attention. “Take them off.” Lucas panted in between deep thrusts down Quinn’s throat. He was referring to my leggings, which in my hazy state, I had completely forgotten about. Once I was free i returned to my all fours position, spreading my knees wide and dipping my stomach towards the bed. I was going to reach back to finger myself but Lucas beat me to it, using his long limbs and our small bodies to his advantage. His middle finger worked my slit up and down, up and down, up and down, the tip of it making small stops to circle around my entrance. I pushed back towards his finger impatiently waiting to be filled. He chuckled lower and dared to tease me further with the smallest of touches to my clit. I wiggled my hips almost mewling between my staggered licks to Quinn who seemed to notice my distraction. They pulled off of Lucas and swatted at his stomach.

“Be nice, Lucas.”

He quit his teasing then and plunged his finger in though he was pouting about it. I settled into the motion, loving the way he effortlessly slid against my walls and stroked all kinds of sins into me. I was finally able to focus my attention back to Quinn-as I was at least getting a bit of release-and moved my tongue inside them. I dove as deep as I could, burying my face into their soft skin. I gripped at their thighs, preventing them from squirming around as my nose nudged against their clit and my tongue lapped quicker. Lucas added another finger, scissoring me open before plunging back in fully. He was starting to curl his knuckles and bring out the slick sounds of my cum covering his fingers. His deep moans grumbled in his throat as Quinn’s hand flexed around his length, stroking almost in time with Lucas’ thrusts inside me. I pulled away from Quinn then, not wanting Lucas to get too eager and cum early. Instead I crawled up to their face, gently turning their head away from his cock and slid my tongue into them trading their taste for Lucas’.

“Fuck you guys are so hot.” He groaned.

“Shut up Lucas.” Quinn and I said at the same time, rolling our eyes.

“Quick question though...How you you want me to cum? Like in one of you or…?”

I shrugged. “Whatever you want. Doesn't matter to me.”

He seemed to beam with excitement until I snapped my fingers and pointed at my little box of condoms on my dresser. His ego was deflated and he begrudgingly went to retrieve one while Quinn and I laid beside each other. Our hands dove between each others thighs as we kissed, our fingers circling our clits and filling each other every so often. Lucas rejoined us on the bed, looking over us like a buffet, wondering where to start. “Don’t think about it too hard.” I teased, nudging his thigh with my foot.

He bit his lip and set his hands on my hips choosing me as his first source of pleasure. He pressed kisses into my neck with Quinn joining him. I adjusted myself beneath him, widening my legs for him to settle between. Slowly, he sunk into me, filling me with his length and making me clutch onto his shoulders. My brows scrunched just for a moment as i adjusted to the familiarity inside me. Lucas' waited, occupying himself with a few bites to my neck and deep kisses to Quinn. My hand slipped down to grip his firm ass, pulling him in for a minimal thrust. He took it as an offer to proceed and pulled out slowly. I gripped Quinn's hand, bracing myself for the harsh snap of his hips Instead, I was met with a methodical and slow plunge as if he was determined to make me feel every ridge and vein throughout his shaft.

Surprisingly enough, Lucas was the best at slow fucking and pretty attentive for a semi adult with one thing on his mind. He kept a firm grip on me, guiding me to roll back against his hips and let the tip of his cock firmly press against my walls. My head dipped back into the pillow as I closed my eyes and relaxed into a space of forgetfulness -forgetting about all my troubles and coping with the fact that I had friends who would give me everything I needed. I didn't have to rely on some fuckboy with a wannabe girlfriend. Quinn was right about Johnny and I was glad they could bring me some peace of mind along with a slice of pleasure.

Their gentle fingers were caressing my clit while their lips clamped onto my nipple. With the added attention to my bundle of nerves, i was already feeling my muscles tingling with anticipation of my release. I bit down on my lip as i exhaled softly. I could hear Lucas’ rough moans above me, secretly loving how loud and husky they sounded. My thighs clenched around his waist adding to the motion of our bodies shifting into one another. Quinn kissed their way up my neck to my ear and stumbled through asking me if they could sit on my face. I tried to stifle my giggle at their embarrassment to even ask and simple nodded. They maneuvered themselves over my chest, continuously looking back to make sure they wouldn't accidentally kick me. I assured them that it was alright and let them scoot back over my lips. I wrapped my arms around their thighs, securing them against me, before working my tongue through their folds once more. I heard them sigh softly, fading into a moan.

Lucas was mumbling under his breath, most likely nonsensical compliments about how hot we are and how he got off on girl on girl action. Quinn and I normally ignored what he said and focused on how gorgeous his body was and how quickly he could make us cum. Once he saw Quinn over me however, he picked up the pace of his slow thrusts, preferring his usual hard quick snaps instead. My toes curled against his lower spine and I felt like i was crushing his waist between my thighs. He pulled them away from him and instead pushed my legs up towards Quinn, making them hold my knees in place. I practically felt him in my stomach then, plowing away at every inch within me and making my body surge with a tingling sensation.

I squeezed my eyes tighter and tried to keep up the eager thrusts of my tongue into Quinn but it was becoming more and more difficult with the way my body bounced. Suddenly they lifted their hips up allowing me just a small space to see them pushing Lucas back to make room for their head to wedge between my spread thighs. As Lucas thrusted, Quinn licked at my clit all while nudging their ass back against me. My muscles were already clenching and building up tension until i couldn't hold back any longer. I pressed a moan into Quinn's wetness as my lower half wavered with the taxation of my orgasm.

Lucas’ pulled out slowly, a small rush of my cum following him. Quin carefully moved off of me and kissed me, smearing our tastes together momentarily before joining Lucas. I curled up in my little area, regaining my breath while the pair switched up their positions. Quinn was pushed onto their hands and knees, their ass poised perfectly high in the air to give him easy access to plunge into them. I watched with half lidded eyes as I regained my breath. It was nice to lay in the after bliss of it all even when Quinn’s loud moans and the sound of skin on skin disturbed my peace.

Eventually I felt myself getting roped into the mix again with barely any time to truly catch my breath. “You know I’m not done with you yet.” Lucas smirked.

“I was just letting you play with Quinn for a bit. Just to make my baby boy happy.” I pushed back his hair that was getting more sweat drenched by the second. “Don’t you like a thorough workout?”

“I do. So bend over.” He pushed me back down onto the bed making follow the same position as Quinn. He separated from them and slammed into me keeping firm pressure on my lower back. I bit into my pillow, burying my moans into it. Every so often i would feel him leave and switch over to Quinn who gripped my hand with such intensity I was afraid they would break it. I could tell they were close to losing it and for the sake of it all I was selfishly awaiting a second orgasm. Lucas kept the pace with Quinn for a little bit longer before alternating again. It was a tense and teasing feeling, having that desire build up in the deepest part of me then have it ripped away. Teetering right on the edge was enough to make me a begging mess and also extremely bratty. I whined into the pillow, working myself back roughly onto him, as his hand gripped the back of my neck while he plowed into me.

I was panting and drawing nearer to my orgasm, loving the switch into a deep hard fucking but he tore away from me again, making me groan. “Lucas!”

He chuckled and gave my ass a slap. “Relax, there's enough of me to go around.” He plunged into Quinn and brought them to their completion before me just out of spite. Quinn rushed out a scream as their little body shook before collapsing onto my bed. Their hair stuck to their forehead and i pushed it away gently. I was happy that they came but pissed off at Lucas for making me wait. He was being such a snarky little shit about it too. He laid down finally, his head in the direction of the foot of the bed, and patted his thighs, beckoning me to him.

“Ride me, babes. I’m ready.”

I whacked his toned stomach but nonetheless made my over to straddle his hips. I guided him back inside, inhaling deeply as he felt even heavier and thicker now. Slowly, i bounced, setting my hands on his chest to keep my balance. My head dipped low and I bit into my bottom lip trying not to get too loud. He gripped my hips with one hand while the other dipped into his mouth, drawing his tongue over the length of his middle finger. In a few seconds, I felt that wetness between my cheeks, dancing across my rim.

“Relax, Eri. Fuck baby, relax for me. It’s gonna feel so good.”

“Just do it and shut up.” I grabbed his face and crushed his lips to mine as he pressed his finger into me, going slowly at first. His thick tongue slipped into my mouth, practically silencing my ability to convey my pleasure. He was able to eventually work his knuckle into me, making me wince as he coupled it with a faster grind of his hips. I accepted him anyway rocking back on the feeling of each one of my holes being occupied by him. His tongue, his finger, his cock, and my overstimulation was a match made in heaven. His dug his fingertips into my ass forcing our bodies as close as they could go. He was losing control and finding any which way to stay stable but continued to falter. He tossed his head back, finally releasing my lips from his grasp, and filling the condom within me. I ground through his orgasm, chasing my own so I wouldn’t be left unfulfilled after his little edging spell. He was starting to squirm a bit, wanting to slip away from the slight overstimulation. It didn’t stop me though. The feeling of getting my payback sparked my nerves, making me cum hard. I collapsed to the right of him as my legs gave way and I couldn’t hold myself up any longer. Quinn crawled over to Lucas’ left side and laid their head on his chest.

“You guys left me to just jack off on my own!”

“I thought you liked watching us fuck.” Lucas laughed.

“Yeah but you could've at least ate me out!”

I sighed and left them to bicker or even get into it again, wanting to get my peace of mind back. Besides my phone buzzed and I was curious as to who was messaging me now. It was Yuta. I sighed and opened the message quickly just to see what he wanted.

Kisskissfallinlove: NOT COOL

Kisskissfallinlove: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

Of course he was referring to me making an example out of him just a couple hours ago.

I didn’t need your toys here. They were gonna get mixed in with my stuff

Kisskissfallinlove: I’M THE ONLY ONE WITH BRIGHT PINK SHIT BECAUSE ITS UR FAVE COLOR

Kisskissfallinlove: HOW COULD IT GET MIXED UP

Stop yelling at me.

Also i’m kinda busy rn

I’ll message you later

Kisskissfallinlove: i’m gonna get you, dont you worry.

I’m not worried sir. I was simply returning your stuff. Don’t forget your shit next time and it wont happen again.

Kisskissfallinlove: thursday. My room

Kisskissfallinlove: i mean it eri.

We’ll see

I tossed my phone back down contemplating ignoring his request or falling into his bed again. Why not? What was the worst that could happen? I needed everything to help me get over the fact that Johnny was over me.

--

Yuta had his legs crossed over mine, pinning my ankles to the bed with his feet. My arms were bound behind my back with the same pink rope I had dumped into his lap just days before. An intricate and tight pattern that accentuated my chest kept me from squirming too much. I couldn’t talk, barely could even moan with the ball gag he stuffed in my mouth. All the while he sat behind me letting a relentless stream of vibrations from his favorite hitachi wand wash over my clit. My toes curled and my fingers flexed against his stomach as he forced me to stop right before I could have my satisfaction. The vibrations were so strong I could feel them even when he pulled the toy away. My panties were becoming a soaked mess as he insisted I keep them on. He loved the way my cum spread across the center leaving the wet spot behind. “Do you wanna cum?” He asked. His other hand was busy scrolling through his phone as if nothing was phasing him at all.

I growled at his stupid question. If I wasn’t irritated enough at his punishment, the fact that he wasn’t even paying attention to me was worse. He set his head on my shoulder. I could see texts popping up on his phone but I had no idea what they said. While Korean men was my forte, the language sure as hell wasn’t. I squirmed a bit more vieing for more pleasure and get this over with. Edging always made me want to kick and scream, especially when Yuta was behind it.

“Oh, did you get the text about Taeyong and Taeil’s Halloween party?”

I glared over at him. How the hell was I supposed to answer with this stupid gag in my mouth? He popped it out and I worked to suck back the spit that it had accumulated before I drooled all over myself unintentionally. “N-no. Let me cum already!”

“It’s this weekend,” He continued. “I’m kind surprised they didn’t tell you. Everyone’s going over there to chill and shit. Do you think you’ll go?”

I bit into my bottom lip as my calves strained and my toes flexed as I tried to focus the pain somewhere else. “I-I don’t th-thi-think I should show up somewhere-AHHH! Uninvited!!!”

He turned the speed up higher. “Yeah I guess it is kind rude but who cares. They know you. It’s not like you're some stranger. You can just be my date.” He kissed me on the cheek and flashed that gorgeous sunshine-y smile at me. I was half tempted to headbutt him.

“Oh a date? Well don’t I just feel so fuckin’ special.”

He tsked at me. “Now, now, Eri. Watch your language. Besides, you’re gonna ditch me as soon as you see Johnny.

The name made me stop wriggling for a moment. “I am not going to ditch you for that asshole.” I said through grit teeth. He turned off the wand then, giving me relief but also stress from the incomplete build up. “I have no reason to go after him now that he has a girlfriend. I may sleep around but I’m not a homewrecker.”

“It’s kinda weird. He keeps saying that she isn’t his girlfriend but she’s like everywhere. And i mean EVERYWERE. She kinda creeps all of us out. He hasn’t seemed like himself either.”

I panted as he pulled the wand away from my panties and replaced it with his fingers. He was sliding through the oversaturation, every graze over my overly sensitive clit making me want to scream. If I didn’t keep up the conversation though I had a feeling he would go back to torturing me. “What exactly do you mean?”

Yuta shrugged and stilled his movements. “Like he’s quiet and he hasn’t really responded to our texts. He kinda looks a mess too.”

My stomach fell with a sudden heaviness. Was something going on with him and that stupid slut? Why was he with her anyway? The whole situation still irritated me but i had to remember that I was over him. I had to move on so whatever was happening with him was none of my business. I shrugged. “Well that sucks for him. I don’t know what you want me to do about it. Maybe I shouldn’t even go. I don’t need to be around him.”

“Damn Eri, that’s harsh…”

“No. You know what’s harsh, not having the balls to even tell me that he didn’t want to be fuck buddies anymore. I don’t care if he got a girlfriend but you don’t just drop someone like that.” I swallowed hard before my voice cracked. “Anyway, i’m over that.”

“Oh, yeah, totally. Sounds like it.” He said sarcastically. I slammed my shoulder back into his chest.

“Remind me why I hang out with you again. You’re frustrating.”

“Because i’m your prince, duh.” His fingers started up again and I could hear the loud squelching as he dove into me. “You should still come with me. I don’t want it to be a giant sausage fest. If anything goes down, we can leave and go get pancakes or something. My treat.”

“Ok, ok.” I agreed against my better judgement. “I’ll go but only because I still expect pancakes no matter what.”

“Unless you leave me for Johnny.”

“Yuta, for the last time I’m not gonna leave you at the party for Johnny. Now can you PLEASE let me cum?!”

--

Johnny’s POV

I didn’t really want to be here but free booze was basically my middle name. Drinking was starting to become my new best friend and I already felt a buzz going. Rixi was still by my side, having flipped out when she somehow found out I was going to this party. It was leading me to drink more and more just to try and forget she was here. There was only so much that Jae could help me with. After I told him a condensed version of what happened after the rave he got defensive and would step in whenever she got to be too much to handle. I was happy that he didn’t act the way I predicted and instead told me that he would always be there for me. We were each other’s family while we were far away from home. It felt good to have someone believe me and not judge me even though I was constantly wondering why I couldn’t defend myself against her. He had hugged me for a long while after our talk and I was grateful but still felt a bit of guilt. He still had to live his own life too and shouldn’t spend it babysitting me and this monstrosity. When we got to the party I told him to go with Quinn and have a good time. He was hesitant at first, giving Rixi a dirty glare, until I insisted that he’d leave. That was when I starting people watching, focusing on the rotation of people coming in and out of the apartment.

When I saw Yuta enter, a harsh nauseating feeling hit my stomach. I set my cup down, knowing that I would need to steady myself to deal with who he had in tow. I should’ve known she would be here. There was no way to escape her no matter how much my mind flipped flopped through wanting to see her and wanting to run away. She looked good. I had no idea what her costume was but there was a lot of vinyl, straps, and a pair of knee high boots. Everything clung to her like a dream and I could see her body line perfectly. My heart skipped a beat or two when my eyes trailed up to see her gorgeous curls on full display and her lips pouted in a deep burgundy. I sighed, knowing that she was going to be the death of me tonight and get me into so much trouble. I needed her out before shit hit the fan.

Our eyes met for a moment but she turned away quickly, tossing her hair over her shoulder and practically throwing herself on Yuta. I moved away from the wall then, heading out towards the balcony to have a smoke and try and calm my nerves. It was freezing tonight but the chill helped cool the heat on my skin that was already making me sweat from my panic. I lit the cigarette and took a slow drag before setting my arms on the railing. What the hell was I going to do? My terrorizer and savior were both in the same room and i was destined to go mad at the thought of them colliding again. Worst of all, because Eri had come with Yuta  it meant that she was on the up and up with him. I didn’t want to see her tongue down his throat or the way he treated her like some hentai porn doll. If only she knew about all the pictures and videos he took of her and shared with us, then she wouldn’t be so quick to have his dick inside her.

My jaw tensed and I took another drag. I set my head in my hands in disbelief at my own jealous thoughts. I couldn’t be jealous. There was no reason to be. Yet here I was wishing that every time she touched him, that it were me instead. I heard the sliding doors glide back and that annoying voice popped up beside me. “Johnnyyyy~” Rixi whined. “Why aren’t you here without me?”

“Because I needed a damn smoke. Taeyong isn’t going to let me do it inside his apartment. Can I be out here by myself for one minute?”

“Silly,” She grabbed onto my arm and set her head on my shoulder. “How else am I gonna keep an eye on you? Especially with that bitch walking around here.”

“Excuse me?” I snapped at her.

“The one you always look at on Instagram and Snapchat. The one that was a show off that day at the student center. I don’t like her.”

“Well I do.” I said, straightening up. “Don’t call her a bitch. I mean it.”

“What do you mean you like her? You can’t. You’re my boyfriend.” Her brows furrowed in anger and she was quick to tighten her grip on my arm as usual. I yanked it back roughly.

“I meant what I said. And I’m not your boyfriend.”

“Why do you keep saying that?!”

“Because you forced me into doing something I didn’t want to and i’m tired of it.”

She pressed me into the wall, digging her nails into my chest. “I didn’t force you to do anything. You’re the one who wanted it at the rave and all the other times after that. So don’t say that you never wanted me because that’s a bold face lie.”

“I was high at the rave. I couldn’t even think straight. You took advantage of that- of me.”

Rixi shoved my face back, making my head hit the wall. I winced instantly, already feeling the ringing in my ear. I grit my teeth and didn’t look at her. My body was freezing again; my brain failing to process any fight or flight response. She chuckled then, a sadistic laugh that mocked me with the fact that she had this power. She finally backed away giving me some space to breathe and nurse the bump that seemed to be already forming on my skull. I tossed the barely finished cigarette over the railing and made my way back inside deciding to walk away from her entirely. Jae wasn’t anywhere to be found but i needed some sort of safe haven now that the balcony was off limits. Rixi was still following close behind me but just ahead i saw Eri dip into the bathroom.

I turned around quickly making Rixi slam into me. “Can i piss without you going in there with me?”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine. But make it quick.”

I almost ran to the bathroom door, collecting my thoughts before I took a deep breath and dove back into the world of the person who made me feel alive.                                                                                                                        

 --

Eri’s POV

I heard a knock on the door just as I was touching up my lipstick, making sure it didn’t smear. I licked my teeth and sighed. “Someone’s in here.” I called out, annoyed that people at this party were impatient as ever.

“Open up.”

“What part of ‘someone’s in here’ don’t you understand?!” I kicked at the door, trying to shoo the creep away.

“It’s Johnny.” What the fuck did he want? I rolled my eyes and let out an audible groan loud enough for him to hear.

“Ok, and?”

“Let me in.”

“For what? I’m busy in here.”

“”Let. Me. In.”

“If you don’t get away from this door I will hurt you. Bet on that.”

“You’d have to open the door first.” He said. I groaned again, even louder than last time knowing he was right. I pulled the door open just a crack. “What do you-” I was cut off by him barging in, pushing me back into the tiny room as he did so. He kicked the door shut behind him and shoved me against it not giving me a chance to even breathe. He slammed his hand above my head as he blocked me from escaping. I glared up at him. “What the hell is your problem?!”

“You’re my problem Eri. What are you doing here?” He growled.

“Excuse you, Yuta invited me to be his date. What do you think you’re doing trying to command shit?”

“I’m not trying to command anything. I’m just irritated that you’re everywhere I turn and I can’t escape you.”

“Well gee, that may be because we’re in the same social circle and I fuck almost every single one of your friends.” I said, spitefully. “Besides, does it even matter now that you’re with your precious girlfriend? Shouldn’t you be occupied with her?” I still wasn’t over that fact and but I had come to terms with it. I was still a clusterfuck of emotions- a little jealousy, anger and spitefulness, and a lot of hurt at the betrayal and lack of communication. All that mixed with the fact that my body was reacting to him already in ways that i utterly despised just pissed me off even more. My hair was on end and his heavy breaths made his chest press against mine. He was a mere two inches away from my face and the look in his eyes made me want to make him regret ever ghosting me. I forced my eyes away from his hostile look but instead I focused on those dangerous lips. No. I had to remember that I wouldn’t change for no dick and he couldn’t have this hold on me any longer. He could fuck right off.

“She’s not my girlfriend.” He growled.

“Oh really? Does she know that? Hard to tell with all those ‘hashtag boyfriend’ posts.”

“Now you’re stalking her instagram?”

“You’re stalking mine. I see your likes every day. What do you think i’m gonna do? Fall for you because you liked my dumb videos?”

“Why do you have to be so endlessly irritating? I don’t want anything from you but to be free.”

“I could say the same about you. I loathe you entirely.”

“Hate me then. Hate me forever. Just get the fuck out of my head. Please get the fuck out of my head.”

What? Had he still been thinking about me this whole time? As much as i had? I wondered if he was hurting like I was. Then again he was the one that caused all of this to begin with. “That sounds like a personal problem. I’ve moved on.”

“Yeah, with who? The little boy toys you got floating around?”

“Careful Johnny, your jealousy is showing.”

He grabbed my face roughly and forced me to look up at him. “It’s not my fault.” He closed the small gap, pressing his lips that i missed so much against mine. I clutched at his chest, almost giving in to his prying tongue but I managed to pull my head away before it got too far. I shoved at his chest and turned my head away from him.

“Don’t you fuckin’ dare Johnny. Just don’t. You think you can come back into my life saying and doing what you want when you left me on read for weeks? You didn’t even have the balls to just fucking tell me you wanted to be with her!”

“I don’t want to be with her! That’s the fuckin’ issue! It’s more complicated than you think.”

“What’s complicated about it? You gave me up just to be with her, some low budget copycat version of me. Get over it.”

“How can I when you’re fuckin’ in my head constantly?” He tapped his finger against his temple. “All the damn time, even when I try and force you out you’re in there, haunting me. I’ve tried to get over you, Eri. I’ve tried everything in my power to do so. You wanna talk about hate? That’s hate.”

I scoffed. “In your head? You’re always wrapped up in your head! That’s your problem.” I hit my small fist against him and made him take a step back. My anger was boiling and it was getting worse with the sadness that was creeping into my words. “If you hate me so much then...just get out of my life! We fuck, that’s it. If you’re gonna play games then you’re definitely fucking with the wrong person.”

“I know that. Trust me I do. I just...I can’t think straight. All i do is go back and forth and I get pissed off or needy or sad or anxious. It’s never ending.” He balled his hands up into fists, his forearms straining his frustration. “I wish I could tell you what’s going on…”

I raised a brow at him. “What’s going on is that you’re an asshole and I want nothing to do with you.”

He pushed his hair back and ran a hand over his face. “I get that but...I need you. I fuckin’ need you so bad…”

“Need me? Where we you when I-” I stopped then. Did I really need him or did I just want him? Want him above everything else? I swallowed hard and pressed myself back against the door. Every time. Every damn time. It never failed. Why did I want to run back to him? Why did he have this hold on me? He didn’t deserve anything, especially not my forgiveness or even my body. I could already feel myself ready to cave in at the drop of a hat. I needed to leave this stupid tiny bathroom asap. If I did I could escape him and get a hold of myself. I wouldn’t throw my positive affirmations out the window and make them meaningless again. I reached for the doorknob but his hand covered mine, stopping me. I looked up at him and was suddenly struck with confusion. His eyes weren’t showing anger. Instead they were drowning in hurt. He pressed his forehead to mine and pulled my hand away from the door, placing my arms around his neck while his held my waist. I was disappointed but not surprised that I gave into him. I was kicking myself the entire way, screaming that i was a complete fucking fool and went against everything Quinn had said. But my body ached for him after not having him in my arms for so long. One thing I truly couldn’t escape was the way I felt about him, even if it gave me poor decision making skills.

“Make me feel anything.” He begged.

“What do you need?” I whispered, my voice trembling. I was completely terrified about what I was diving back into

“To feel alive.” He licked his lips and swallowed back. “I need it to hurt.”

I looked up at him as my heart stuttered. “Johnny, I-” He couldn’t mean that. We had never done anything like that before. What was going on with him that he wanted this from me.

“Please, Eri. I trust you.”

I wanted to protest, more than anything, but instead I squeezed him to me tight momentarily before bringing my lips to his. I dont know who this Johnny was but he seemed to have lost the light in his eyes and I didnt like that one bit. My mind buzzed with questions that i wanted answered but knew would be blocked off immediately. His words were making my heart ache more than anything and i felt compelled to extinguish whatever sorrow he had built up within our time apart. I wanted that goofy smile back and I definitely wanted to be the one who caused it. If he wanted this to be a rough wake up call back to reality than i would consent to it. I held his jaw in my hands and placed a gentle kiss on his lips, whispering “I got you.” He nodded, thankful for my agreement.

We shifted slowly into the change of pace, starting with kisses that built their way up from gentle to rough. Our hands explored at first then changed into digs, gropes, and pulls. His hands seemed to be enamored with the simple harness i wore for my ‘costume’ which was just a haphazard mix of whatever I deemed as “sexy enough” for a Halloween party. His fingers traced the embedded rivets in the leather strap from were it rested below my rib cage all the way up to the o-ring on the collar it connected to. He was intrigued by the ring and tugged on it during our rougher kisses, pulling me to my tiptoes though i already had stilettos on. I braced myself against his chest and forced him back against the sink counter. He pulled me along with him by the ring, keeping a solid grip on it while my lips were a flurry of harsh bites to everywhere i could reach. One by one his neck sprouted bright crimson marks, each one coupled with a groan or a hiss. I grew frustrated with the fact that his shirt covered where I wanted to get to the most. I slapped his hand away from me and clawed at the hem of fabric shoving it upwards until he pulled it off all the way.

He tossed it to the ground and my attention peaked when i saw fading green and yellow bruises on his rib cage. “Seems like she already makes it hurt for you.” I pointed out bitterly. Doubt sprouted in my mind like a budding plant and i wondered if she had gotten him used to being rough. Her of all people, when i had the most experience between him and I. My jaw settled with my selfishness, reminding me of that nagging friend, jealousy.

“Trust me, it wasn't in the way i wanted. You can make me feel good; you're a thousand times better.”

I smirked at the sudden boost to my ego. I dipped my nails into the soft skin of his stomach and pressed into him harder. “No shit. Tell me did I ever cross your mind when you were with her? When you were fucking her, touching her, when you kissed her? Did you wish it was me at all?” i teased, licking across my lips coyly.

“Every. Fucking. Time.” He growled. His intensity switched instantly and i was suddenly faced with having my skirt and panties viciously pulled down. I kicked the irritating barriers away, stumbling just a bit as they circled the edge of my boots. His large hands cupped my ass, covering them with delicious heat as he hoisted me up onto his waist. He plopped me down on the counter and yanked me to the very edge to keep me on display for him like some sort of trophy. I grabbed onto his face again drawing out more hungry kisses and struggling breaths from him. I bit down on his bottom lip, tugging harshly and painful enough to make his blunt nails drag down my thigh. I let his lip go and licked at the tender skin, placing softer kisses to soothe it. He yanked his head back, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth to nurse it on his own. “Ass.”

I smirked. “You said make it hurt.” I propped myself back on my elbows, leaning back on the counter and taking in the sight before me- my legs spread wide and a man who was desperate enough to seek out the pleasure i gave him while that she devil lingered at the party most likely wondering where he was at. The evil part of my ego was at it again suddenly growing the fantasy of me winning the battle and the war. He came back to me even after being under her thumb for this past month. That in of itself was enough to add to my building wetness. I brought two fingers to my lips, taking a few seconds to outline the fullness of them before slipping them past my teeth. Johnny’s eyes were hooked on the movements and his hands were moving on their own so as to not distract him from the show i was putting on. He fumbled with the zipper of his dark jeans until he worked them down his long legs and let them pool at his ankles. His navy briefs came next, uncovering his cock that i missed so, so much.

I let my fingers go with a delicate pop and traced them down my stomach to meet my center. I bit down on my lip as i slid them over my clit and guided them towards my entrance. Carefully, i eased one in, getting just to the knuckle before attempting the second one. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the mirror as i started to thrust and wiggle my small fingers as deep as they could go. I felt his hand drift to my lips, mimicking my previous motions, forgoing wetting his own fingers and instead shoving them in my mouth instead. It was quickly filled with three of them, almost making me gag on the rough invasion. He thrusted them faster than i could keep up but I swallowed as best as I could, my tongue giving attention to each of their lengths. While his hand kept busy with my mouth, I continued coaxing my cum from within me, knowing I would need every last bit of it for what I wanted him to do.

He was working his own bites into my skin now, digging his teeth into my inner thigh. His mouth was so close to where i desired him most that I couldn’t help but try and buck my hips towards him. He slapped my thigh then, right over the fresh wet bite, making it sting. I whimpered around his fingers just as he pulled them out. I broke the string of spit, wiping my lips as I hated the mess he made me make. “That hasn’t changed,” He swallowed back a small groan as he fisted the head of his cock within his wet fingers. “I won’t do that.”

I rolled my eyes and propped my heel onto his shoulder, getting better access to my entrance. I continued to pump my fingers, forcing my walls to stretch around them. They were nothing compared to Johnny but I could at least tease him with the little show I was putting on. With each trust I would scissor myself open, gaping my eager entrance just a bit before spreading my lips open. The sight made Johnny rut into his hand faster, filling his palm fully. “You’re still such a punk.” I dug the tip of my stiletto into his shoulder as I filled myself again with my fingers. He pushed back against the heel and grabbed at my hips roughly.

“I just like you to beg and never give you the satisfaction.”

I barely had time to pout because he slammed into me so swiftly that my body shook with the force. I wrapped my arms around him tight, a high pitched squeak was all i could manage to let out as I was too afraid that even with the music blaring outside everyone could hear me scream. I left no part of his shoulder blades unmarked by my nails, adding spite into each one. Being fucked open like this was excruciatingly intoxicating, so raw and full of hunger that I could barely process it all. My head was tossed back, my body bouncing against his. My leg remained propped on his shoulder allowing him to dig as deep as he could go.

My hands shifted to his hair, pulling with all my might and earning me the hardest slam yet. My thighs shook with the intensity and tears were edging around the corners of my eyes. He mimicked my pull, grabbing a fistfull of my curls to give him access to mar my shoulders. Unlike him, i despised getting my hair pulled and it only edged me further. I tried to break free from his iron grip but he was relentless. It was like he never wanted to let me go no matter how tight I already was against him. I distracted him with kisses, whimpering like a helpless puppy against him and begging him for more while my hand wrapped around his. I pulled him away, little by little, and transferred his grip to my neck. My scalp still throbbed and I’d much rather feel that strong grip preventing the air from escaping my lungs.

He stilled for a moment, finally easing away from me. I could see him weighing his options and if he could really go through with it. Our moans dissipated into heavy pants as I waited for him. He chewed on his bottom lip, his free palm rubbing up and down my thigh. I looked up at him, my eyes pleading and matching my coy beg. “Please daddy?” I mewled. I covered my mouth quickly, realizing that I had actually uttered that word to him. Heat rose to my cheeks as there was no way to take them back. I tried not to look at him; i couldn't bare to show him my embarrassment. Even though he said he may like it we were still testing the waters and i chose tonight of all times to say it.

My panicked thoughts were stopped when Johnny ripped me off the counter and turned me around, pulling out from me momentarily. He then shoved my ass back against his hips tearing through me again and making me grip the counter to try and steady myself. I was practically bent over, my knees hitting the cabinets below, as he pressed against my back leaving me helplessly trapped. His fingers finally clenched around my throat, suffocating me in the most sinful way. My eyes fell closed and I smirked loving every minute of him destroying me. With his lips close to my ear I heard him pant heavily. “Why do you make me go crazy, Eri?”

“Because,” I rasped, trying to speak as much as I could. “You asked for it remember? I guess we’re both fucked in the head for torturing each other like this.” I swallowed against his fingers as i pressed myself back against him following his movements. My thighs were starting to quiver and my lungs burned in need. Sweat beaded across my forehead as my body felt like it was on fire especially with Johnny crushing me. His unoccupied hand crept between my thighs and circled my clit, even kicking my legs open further to gain more access.

“That’s for damn sure.” He chuckled lowly. “Spread yourself so I can see how good I’m fucking you.”

“Don’t...be so-” I winced as It almost stung to talk. “G-gross.” I gave in and tapped on his forearm, begging him to let me go. He unfurled his fingers and forced my arms behind my back to rest on my ass. I gulped down air, finally being able to expand my chest fully. Johnny seemed determined to take my breath away anyway with another violent slam.

“Do it.” I felt his lips press several kisses down my spine as if he was trying to convince me. I practically growled, trying to snap bites at him when his kisses got close to my shoulders. He caught my lip in his teeth paying me back for how harshly I had bitten him earlier. I winced and tried pulling away only making the pain much worse. He was doing in on purpose and i knew he wouldn't let go until i complied with his order. With a blow to my pride and heaps of embarrassment i pulled apart my cheeks and let him see how deep his cock was forcing me open. He finally pulled away from my lip and i could taste the faintest hint of blood.

The sound that came from deep within his throat as he watched me made my entire body tingle. God that sound- a little primal and angry but still so hungry to cum and feel me clench around him. My body did just that, tensing my walls as I clawed at his wrist and begged him to keep filling my clit with pleasure. He landed a hard smack to my ass, most likely punishment for ruining his view with my desperation. My body jerked forward, my legs creeping onto my tiptoes and pushing me to my orgasm. I covered my mouth quickly, screaming into my skin instead of letting the whole party know how good he made me feel. I pressed my forehead to the counter trying to sap up the coolness of the fake tile.

Johnny barely let me rest through the small aftershocks and my cum spread across my thighs. He pulled me to the floor forcing me onto my knees. The angels were on his side today because I would’ve bitten his dick clean off but my subspace overrode my brattiness as soon as those chocolate eyes glared down at me I was a pathetic puddle at his mercy and he didn’t even have to ask. My lips parted for him and he pushed his way through, practically hitting the back of my throat. It was more than i could handle and I tried to get some breathing room but his hand remained on my shoulder, pressing me into place. I clawed at his hips as my tongue crawled along his shaft and whenever his tip would meet the edge of it. He was singing praises to me, as if my mouth was an entity to pray to. I could feel just the beginnings of his cum slip into my mouth as his hand switched to the back of my neck. His thighs flexed under my palms and my name came with a guttural groan. Though that was enough of a warning I still wasn’t prepared for the thick ropes that coated my throat.

I shoved his hips away and slammed my hand over my mouth, trying my damndest not to hurl his musky bitter taste back up. Reluctantly, I swallowed and shuddered hating the way it slid down my throat. Jesus, why did he cum so much?! He touch returned to a gentleness though my eyes were filled with venom.

“A little warning would have been nice!”

“Sorry! I thought it was obvious! Are you okay?”

I sighed and got up slowly, bracing myself on the counter. “Yeah, no, just peachy. Can’t walk but what else is new.” I wiped my mouth then noticed something. “Johnny?”

He was starting to pull up his underwear when he looked at me. “What?”

“Did you...did you not use a condom?”

He froze. “Oh….”

“Yeah, oh! Oh my god. That’s like my one rule!” I covered my face trying not to think about how flustered it made me.

“Well...I mean you swallowed so...nothing’s gonna happen.” He continued getting dressed before heading over to the sink to splash cold water on his face.

“Yeah, but…” I blushed harder and turned away from him. Though I was sore as hell, it did feel really good. I had never had sex with anyone like that before and now that it was with Johnny I had the irritating idea that it was somehow special. I warned myself to throw that idea out. Nothing was special. He was just a fucking forgetful idiot. I pushed my hair back before looking in the mirror to see the kind of damage my sweat had done to my makeup. I caught Johnny looking at me from his reflection. “What?”

He smiled a little and leaned in to steal a kiss from me. It caught me off guard and I pulled away just a bit only to have him chase my lips. He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me close making sure I couldn’t escape. I giggled and pawed at his chest trying to stop his continuous onslaught of sweet pecks. “Stop that!”

“What I can’t kiss you now? You like it.” He blew me a kiss and winked which made me roll my eyes.

“Why are you a dork? You were literally fucking me raw and shoving your dick down my throat and now you’re all soft. What gives?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s just something that you bring out of me.” He shrugged and placed another kiss on my lips, this time not as playful as before. I exhaled softly and let myself get wrapped up in the romance of his kiss. I held onto him, allowing his tongue to glide against mine and make my heart flutter. We stayed in each others arms for awhile until I realized that if we kept this up we would be stuck in this bathroom for probably another hour. I pulled away reluctantly. “Hey...um, we should get back out there before anyone notices.”

“I’m sure they noticed anyway. I don’t think I was that subtle.” He laughed.

“Probably not. It’s kind of hard to be sneaky when you’re 6 feet tall and an idiot.”

“Doesn’t help that I trip on everything either.” He set a kiss on my forehead and adjusted his clothes, making sure he was ready to go back out and rejoin the party. I let him leave, still having to clean up myself and get my clothes back on. He closed the door softly and I made quick work of wiping myself down and shimmying back into my bodycon skirt. It was when I went to fix my makeup that I heard yelling outside the door. I swung it open, stumbling out a bit and saw Rixi land a hard slap to Johnny’s cheek. Fuck.

“Are you serious?!” She screamed.

Johnny ran his hand over his face and looked like he was trying with all his might to gather his patience. Christ, was I actually a homewrecker and helped with cheat? God, I didn’t even think of that in the heat of the moment. My stomach started to churn instantly as I was wracked with guilt. He had said she wasn’t his girlfriend but maybe he was lying just to hook up with me. Oh god, I wanted to throw up. I felt a grip on my arm and looked up to see Yuta beside me. “Eri, what the hell did you do?”

“I-I…” I couldn’t even think of words to explain or excuse my actions. My mouth just made motions until I snapped it shut and looked away. What would I even tell him that wasn’t the obvious with the marks along my neck? Yuta face palmed and gave me a great sigh of disappointment.

“Can’t say I’m surprised.” He mumbled making me feel worse about the whole situation. I stared at my feet helplessly wishing that Quinn would come get me and take me home.

“Cut it out!” I heard Johnny say.

“Whoa, fuck!” Yuta let me go and went over to to the commotion. I saw Rixi still putting her hands on Johnny though he was trying to deflect her attacks. Yuta was trying to separate the two but Rixi shoved him back. I could understand why she was mad of course. She had every right to be. But hitting anyone wasn’t going to solve anything. Johnny’s face was already red and shirt overstretched with all the pulling she was doing to it. It was garnering attention from the partygoers and eyes were split between me and the commotion. I felt like i had a giant scarlet letter on my back and the shady whispers weren’t helping. As i was trying to take the opportunity to escape I heard more yelling and a loud bang.

“Dude cut it out!”

Johnny was against the wall now and Yuta was trying his best to still get a handle of the situation, Taeyong had stepped in and the music cut out. Everyone was walking on eggshells, teetering around the morals of hitting a woman. Something clicked within me and I pieced together what was going on. She wasn’t just mad, she was purposefully attacking him, landing multiple hits and that was something I wouldn’t take. I stormed over, shoving Yuta out the way and grabbing Rixi by the shirt. She had a few inches on me but I was far from scared.

“Go ahead, lay a hand on him again.” I growled. She shoved me back hard, making me stumble back into Yuta. My anger boiled over and I launched myself at her just as the chants for a fight started. Taeyong caught me and held me back.

“ERI! Go the fuck home!”

I tried pushing him away but he only held onto me tighter. “Are you just gonna let this happen?!”

“You're a shit starter and i’m not gonna have a fight break out and the cops called at my fucking party. Go. Home.”

“Me a shit starter!? Don't you see what she's doing to him?!”

“You're the one who had to go and sleep with him to begin with! Now leave.” He let me go then as i almost went lifeless at his words. It hurt more than anything especially because I knew it was probably my fault. I stepped back and turned on my heels, grabbing my coat off the nearby couch, before running out the door. I pushed through the front door of the apartment complex and frantically searched in the dark for my car. I dug my hand through my coat pocket and fished them out, clicking on the key fob to see my headlights glowing. Tears were starting to fall down my cheeks.

“Wait up!” I heard from behind me. I kept walking, refusing to stop for him. Of course he followed me. He was just planning to make things worse.

“Leave me alone!” I shouted back at him. I got to my car and grabbed a hold of the handle, swinging the door open. He ran to catch up to me and held onto the door, preventing me from closing it.

“Please wait.”

“Wait for what?! I was stupid and fucked you when I knew you had a girlfriend-”

“She isn’t my girlfriend!”

“Why the fuck do you keep saying that!?”

“Because she-!” He sighed. “I have to tell you something. Something important but not here. Come to my place?”

“Why should I?”

“I think you need to know the truth about me and Rixi.”

--

Ten/Eri Chat

Ten: (Spotify Link) Break Up with your Girlfriend, Im Bored- Ariana Grande

Ten: (Spotify Link) Send My Love (To Your New Lover)

Ten: (Youtube Link) LEMONADE Full Album Beyonce

What are you doing????

Ten: (Spotify Link) Thank you, next- Ariana Grande

Tennnnnnnn. What. are. You. doing????

Ten: I’m helping you create a playlist so you can cry/get over Johnny

Ten: And hurry up and get in my bed

Ten: But I’m being a good friend first

Oh my god, i’m going to snap your little neck

Ten: Which diva phase are you in, crying like adele, hoeing like ariana, or i’m gonna kill you like beyonce?

I’m in my “im gonna block Ten” phase.

Ten: Wack, i’m perfect and you love me.

Ten: Second question though

Ten: Want to go to the club with me tonight?

What club? For what? I just worked a 6 hour

Ten: So? Get your good bra out and lets get fucked up and make out with everyone

Ten: You deserve it.

Ten: and duh, gay club downtown. Who has time for boring hetero clubs

I don’t even think i’ve been to a straight club. What are the heteros like Ten? They’re a mystery to me

Ten: Ask your boyfriend

Ask all the girls you slept with. And all those jocks you blew in high school

Ten: Hey! At least they were on the DL. it counts as gay. Anyway we can dance on the stripper poles when we’re drunk and make poor decisions and record them on snapchat

Ten: cmooooooonnnnnnnnnnnn

Fine. I guess I can go.

Btw i’m in between ariana and beyonce

--

The Boys Group Chat

Taeil: Ok ok ok ok

Taeil: We need to talk about what the fuck is going on

Taeyong: You mean Johnny and his GIRLFRIEND????

Yuta: what even in the actual fuck was that all about? I was so confused.

Taeyong: at least you didn’t get spit on by jae

Ten: Or get all your toys dumped on you lmaoooooooo😂😂😂😂

Yuta: SHUT UP

Yuta: I DIDN’T THINK SHE WAS GONNA DO THAT

Taeyong: you know she did it on purpose because she wanted to make a show out of it

Taeil: careful ty. Ur jungwoo is showing.

Taeyong: shut up it’s not even like that.

Ten: so much spite for such a small body.

Ten: but now that johnnys got a girlfriend maybe she’d want to fuck you again

Taeyong: it’s srsly not like that you shit

Yuta: wait so like...is he out the group chat though? We literally only fuck around. None of us have ever gotten girlfriends or anything

Yuta: not like since h.s anyway

Taeil: its not like were a cult or something

Taeil: we can talk about who we fuck still

Taeil: and trade pics

Jae: you guys don’t know what ur talking about

Jae: just drop it

Ten: how can we drop it?!

Ten: literally Johnny has fucked around more than all of us

Yuta: that’s a lie but ok go off

Ten: ANYWAY

Ten: he’s fucked around a lot and he’s never been tied down so what gives?

Jae: its more complicated than you think

Taeyong: how is it complicated. theyre together right?

Jae: yeah but its still not that simple

jae: just drop it

Jae: i’m trying to handle it

Taeil: handle what????

Taeil: wtf is all this cryptic ass shit???

Jae: im not in a place to tell anyone really

Ten: is he like getting abused lol

Ten: NOT LOL

Ten: but you know what i mean

Jae: i gotta go.

Jae: just don’t talk about shit that you know nothing about

Taeil: OK BUT THIS DOESN’T ANSWER ANYTHING OH MY GOD

Lucas: so like idk whats going on with johnny

Taeyong: neither do we

Lucas: but eri was pissed.

Ten: no shit

Lucas: but i managed to calm her down

Lucas: me and quinn

Lucas: together

Yuta: wait a minute you got a fuckin angry threesome out of all of this?????

Yuta: NO FAIR

Lucas: a lot happened lol

Lucas: a lot a lot

Taeil: goddammit lucas

Taeyong: what’s your score at now?

Lucas: for eri?

Taeyong: duh.

Lucas: does the bj count? Multiple orgasms in one go?

Taeil: bj's fine, no to the mult orgasms

Lucas: lets see, there was like once or twice in between some stuff so including the bj and the threesome like 4 for Eri and like 12 for quinn

Yuta: fuck i’m behind. I only have 2

Taeil: We’ve had three lessons so thats what i got👅👅👅👅

Ten: I’ve been busy with dance practice so i got 3 too. We got drunk at the club and fucked after

Taeyong: good going idiot

Lucas: ok but you’re losing at 0

Taeyong: I’M NOT PLAYING

Ten: 👀👀👀👀👀

Johnny: quit talking about her like that.

Johnny: i’m dead serious

Johnny: she’s not some piece of meat to fuck with

Ten: ooohh daddy johnny is starting to show

Ten: careful, you might be getting a new girlfriend soon

[baconpal]

pokemon isn’t for us anymore

ya that’s right it’s time for a daytime juvenile rant cus i’m angry and finally think i can put my thoughts to words, 

if you like the new pokemon then this isn’t really for you, cus pokemon is still for you. enjoy it while you can. otherwise click that read more

i’ll start by making my opinion and background immediately clear, so you have something to compare to and such. I loved Pokemon as a child, and for a long while afterward. I think the series’ highest moment was black and white in terms of art and story, and the gameplay was at its best in black and white 2. Gen 5 is also the gen where I have the most competitive experience. 

And my opinion is that every single thing that’s been shown of pokemon sword and shield is really, really bad. Not even as a hyperbolic statement of “wow i hate new thing!” but as a fan who wants nothing but for the series to realize its potential, not one thing they’ve done has made feel anything besides disgust and disappointment. But this is not a normal thing, this isn’t what everyone thinks, i’m not preaching to the choir by saying i hate sword and shield. I’m the contrarian, i’m the one whose saying shit nobody agrees with, and I’m the voice who will be ignored. And that’s because pokemon is no longer being made with someone like me in mind. 

The question then becomes, what is pokemon now? What did it used to be? What should it be?

POKEMON AS A BRAND

Pokemon today is not a game series. It’s a brand, a franchise, something that has weight simply by existing. Of course pokemon has been more than just games for forever, the shows, the toys, the side games, everything about it is marketable and marketed. But the main line games were separate from that to an extent. They were the new bits of source material thrown out into the world without concern for how it would all fit together. A video game was made first, and was then marketed to whoever would buy in whatever form hey wanted.

Today pokemon games themselves are a tailored product. People of today don’t care about the actual video game, many wont play it, and many won’t even realize when it comes out, but gamefreak doesn’t need the game itself to sell (though it will), they just want everyone on earth to know about pokemon and to be excited about it, it’s advertising for their brand. As long as people know pokemon exists and is out there, it will make money. 

So instead of holding their cards and releasing a video game to let people mess around in, the entire game is drip fed to us on social media before it’s even out. The days of korokoro leaks and blurry photos of pokemon are over, the discussion of what they might be or do is over, and a joy in the exploration of the unknown is gone. Instead, a trailer will be split up in to a chain of individual tweets, all tailored to be as easily digestible as possible. Videos or photos that require seconds of attention, and descriptions of characters and pokemon that make it easy to form a shallow attachment, enough to repost it and say “oh that’s so me” or “love this kind of character”, and that’s free advertisement. the kinds of people who live on social medias will translate genuine advertisements into a form of speak their friends will appreciate and thus engage with the advertisements further. The job is done and pokemon is making more money than ever. 

POKEMONS ART DIRECTION

Again, something many disagree with, the art is fucking awful in the new games. But that’s because its not art meant to impress me, an artist with his own design sense and standard of quality, the art only needs to be serviceable, enough for someone who can’t draw to appreciate. The standard of what will be accepted is never actually very high, but pokemon no longer makes any effort to exceed passable. Fanartists will be essentially forced to draw better versions of all their characters since pokemon is once again the hot new thing, so the actual quality of the original art will not be reflected in peoples perception. The model quality as also awful, every design manages to look even worse in motion and in game. But since the goal is not to make an enjoyable game, this is again not a problem. 

POKEMONS SETTING

This extends to the clothing the characters wear as well, but pokemon no longer is its own universe. It is doing all it can to act as if it takes place in the real world, and making the clothing its characters wear bastardized versions of modern aesthetics, instead of the unique and simple sudo-sporty aesthetic the other games had, where clothing was cohesive and sleek, looked fit for various kinds of weather, and seemed generally comfortable. The new gym leaders for example, wear horribly messing and unneeded sportswear based mostly on real life soccer clothing, but without any of the benefits, as they are also loaded with unneeded accessories that go in direct contrast to what they’re supposedly doing. Nessa is the worst offender to me (and what do you know she’s the most popular), compared to misty’s attempt at being part time swimmer part time trainer, nessa looks absolutely ridiculous, and not prepared to do either swimming or pokemon battles. She wears a swimsuit, but not an actual swimmer’s suit, and she’s covered in jewelry, accessories, makeup; things that would ruin any attempt to go swimming even casually. And yet she doesn’t look like she could comfortably go on an adventure or catch and raise pokemon. She is a bland aesthetic mess of what people want a cute swimmer girl to be.

Custom trainers are a whole different problem in that no game with custom characters actually has good ones. The best result you can have is funny looking characters, which is actually a pretty good goal, but gamefreak still wants everything to be samey and appeal to broad aesthetics so people can post their own characters and share some feeling of attachment. 

POKEMON THE VIDEO GAME

the quality of sword and shield from a technical standpoint is clearly very low, and this is one of the few things people have been willing to call out. The model quality hasn’t improved, the animations are sparse and bad. The wild areas are a mess and run terribly, the game crashed trying to handle multiplayer bosses live on stream. The national dex has been removed for literally no reason. The gyms have been completely gutted and reduced to just the fights (which are still nothing but bland checks for type advantage) and the new gimmick is just “make your guy strong” and is obviously best used in response to the opponent using it. the pokemon wonder around the open area and yet wild grass is still there, there’s no option to approach pokemon peacefully and capture like in let’s go, so even the few out there things they’ve tried aren’t going to be used in any meaningful way. But repeat after me, the game doesn’t matter! As far as gamefreak is concerned, the game could crash 40 minutes in and they would have done all they needed to do.

THE GOAL IN POKEMON

so i’ll end this stupid rant with something the new pokemon games don’t have, even the ones I really like don’t have em. Multiple goals to achieve, multiple ways to approach the game. Even the originals didn’t truly have multiple ways to play, but they started you off by presenting you multiple goals, which were tangled together to start but by the end of the game would become 2 very seperate things, becoming champion and completing the pokedex. Johto did it best, to complete one goal, you had to make a pretty good chunk of progress on the other, it was impossible to not “beat the game” if you actually wanted to accomplish either goal, but after that you were free to tie up whatever goals you had left. It was primitive and mostly meaningless, but it was there. The shows and the manga also put a lot of emphasis on the fact that every trainer can do something different, and their own ultimate goal is completely different from everyone else. 

The closest the games come now to this idea is having your rivals go off and do something else other than fight the elite 4. Some of them aren’t even actual rivals and just like pokemon, like lyra from HG/SS. But there is no pokemon game in which you, the player, are presented a goal other than to beat the game, winning the elite 4 and defeating some evil plot along the way.

For me, an ideal pokemon game would be about giving complete freedom, start off with some explanations of what all the possible goals are, completing the dex, becoming champion, winning all the contests, defeating the evil organization, exploring the world, anything. And once the player gets an idea of what they want to do, they’re set free into a world where they can find pokemon and do whatever they want, working towards whatever goal they want. Other aspects will naturally come into play, battling pokemon and making them stronger would help you catch more pokemon, learn moves for contests, explore more dangerous areas, beat stronger trainers. So no matter what goal you have, you’d still interact with many of the systems and areas in the game, and make progress on all goals at the same time, but ultimately feel satisfied when you accomplish your own, personal goals, instead of following the straight line gamefreak set for you.

Obviously that sort of thing will never happen. That’s just what I think pokemon has the potential to become, but pokemon isn’t made for me, anymore.

Thank you for reading.

[freedom-shamrock]

Eyes That Know Me, Blinking Slowly - Chapter Two

Also on AO3  <<< Go back to Chapter One

This is #24 in my ML WIP-Completion Challenge.

Chat Noir arrived at the akuma site after Ladybug had already engaged the enraged woman going by the name Botanatrix. She could obviously zap inanimate objects turning them into trees or causing them to sprout vines that zipped up their sides enclosing whole buildings and buses in a kudzu jungle.

"Wow," he said, dropping beside Ladybug behind a billboard. "She works fast."

"She really does," Ladybug agreed. "And while I've figured out her ability, I'm still stumped on the akumatized object."

"Hmm. Not good to get too close to an akuma with wild ranged attacks unless we have a plan," he muttered. "Want me to go play distracto-cat so you can study her further?"

Ladybug watched a few more moments before nodding. "Yeah. I think we have to go for that option. Carapace messaged that he'd be here soon, too, so hopefully we'll have some back-up by the time we need it."

Chat bounded off. "Excuse me!" he called. "While I like the jungle as much as any cat, I'm just not digging this remodel of Paris."

"Chat Noir!" the woman roared, which felt out of place and absurd given that she was plant-based. "Give me your miraculous!"

"How about… no?" Chat suggested, dodging the spray that shot out of her watering can. He hadn't seen what happened when she hit people with her power, and he didn't want to find out up-close and in person. Again. That pretty much always sucked.

"I have a special little something just for you, Kitty," she taunted.

Chat rolled his eyes. "That nickname is for Ladybug only. Not random Parisians, akumas, or Hawk Moth." He scrambled up the side of a building, pushing off in a huge arc with a back-flip. "Anyone else gets my immediate hissaproval."

He was vaguely aware that Carapace had arrived, and now all three heroes were engaged in the fight. In a moment of poor timing and phenomenally bad luck, Chat and Carapace's shield collided in mid-air. They really needed to train together more to prevent these mishaps. He landed in a heap, and before he could get back up, he felt the cold splash from the akuma's watering can.

"Chat! No!" He heard Ladybug cry out. She hated him getting hit by evil powers almost as much as he did.

"Good luck getting his help now." The akuma cackled before dashing away to cause more mayhem.

He'd made it to his knees by the time Ladybug and Carapace reached him. "I'm fine, my Laby," he insisted, watching little green plants fall out of his hair and onto his lap. They were in clumps and the leaves were small with gentle serrations. To his cat enhanced nose, they smelled slightly minty, and he wondered if they were from the same family. He should probably get up, but just couldn't bring himself to do so. He felt comfortable and oddly sluggish.

"Chat, speak to me," Ladybug said, catching his chin and directing his gaze at her.

He beamed at her. She was so pretty, and the sun was shining behind her. She was practically an angel with a golden halo. He felt his damnable purr kick in, and didn't bother masking it; it wasn't like she'd never heard it before.

"Dude, you okay?" Carapace asked.

"What even is this stuff?" Ladybug asked, brushing it off his shoulders and ruffling his hair to send the plants flying.

"Hmmmm," Chat murmured, leaning into her hand. "Smells good."

"Oh crap," Carapace muttered. "Does he react to catnip?"

"No?" Ladybug said uncertainly. "Well… he hasn't. But… I don't think he's actually been hit by it before."

Chat's face was turned toward the newer hero, but he resisted with a small whine. He wanted to look at his Lady. She was glorious. She smelled heavenly. He tilted toward her, resting his head on her shoulder.

"Yeah," Carapace said, resigned. "He's been Chat Noir long enough that he's got a pretty strong cat side, and this… it's definitely catnip."

"Oh god," Ladybug groaned. "Kitty how do you feel?"

"Floaty." He sighed and let himself tip fully onto her, delighted when he felt her arms around him. "Happy." He nuzzled her neck, grinning when that made her squeal, because he could tell it wasn't a bad squeal. He'd heard that noise in the past. "You smell nice Milaby," he murmured. "Sssoooo nice."

"Uh… you may want to discourage that," Carapace said quietly. "There's reporters here and he's blitzed. It's not fair to him."

"Kitty, we need to move you someplace safer while Carapace and I handle this akuma, okay?" she suggested, one hand rubbing his back.

He lost track of time for a bit, and the next thing he was fully aware of was that he was lying sprawled out in the grass under a tree in a park.

"You okay there, Kitty?" Ladybug called, dropping down beside him. She looked worried and that was never a good sign.

"Shit," he muttered. "What did I do? Was it awful?"

She quickly shook her head, but there was a hint of pink in her cheeks and he suspected she was just humoring him. "No. Not awful."

"It wasn't something you'd mind doing, I think," Carapace said in a careful voice. "But you'd probably prefer not to do it in public."

That didn't reassure him at all, and his face must have shown that.

"I promise, it's okay," Ladybug insisted.

"I'll go try to catch the Ladyblogger before she posts that video," Carapace offered. "Assuming she wasn't live-streaming, anyway."

"Oh fuck," Ladybug whispered.

Chat flinched. "What. Did. I. Do?" he demanded, completely freaked out now.

"Can you meet me on Notre Dame in fifteen minutes?" Ladybug asked. "I need to go recharge."

Chat Noir had curled in on himself as he watched the replay of Alya's livestream. Given that it had been live, there wasn't much point in having her pull the video. The Chat in the video had lost all understanding of decorum and personal boundaries. With the new camera she'd gotten for her last birthday, Alya had been able to zoom in and capture his wide blown pupils, giving him an oddly stupid yet constant kitten-eyed look. The distance and general chaos prevented her from picking up his purring and the conversation between the heroes.

"Oh my god," he moaned as he watched himself rub his cheek against hers, then against her neck.

"You didn't hurt me, Kitty," Ladybug insisted, rubbing his back. "Carapace said this was all normal cat stuff."

"I fucking scent marked you." His gloves dragged down his face as he forced himself to watch the rest of his shame unfold.

"It was kind of cute," she offered tentatively.

He shot her a glare. "I put a claim on you. Physically. Without your consent." This was so messed up.

"You're a cuddly kitty," she said. "And you weren't in your right mind. It's forgiven."

That should have warned him about what came next, but he was too horrified to properly process. He was treated to footage of himself attempting a full body rub against her, but he clearly lacked the balance necessary to wind around her. So his catnip-addled brain clearly felt that rolling all over her would be a good plan. He let out an involuntary hiss, flinching, but forcing himself to watch until Ladybug was able to scoop him up and zip away, trailed by Carapace.

"You seemed pretty out of it by that point, and we left you in a shielded area in an empty park," she explained, tucking away her yo-yo. "I'm just glad you're okay."

"I'm not okay," he insisted. "I'm not sure I'll ever be okay after watching that." Before he could dissolve in a rant about how messed up his behavior had been, he felt her arms wrap around him.

"Oh, Kitty," she whispered sadly. "This wasn't your doing, your fault. It's more like when a girl gets roofied at a bar. You're a victim here, and it's okay to feel gross and awful." Her hand slipped into his hair, scratching at his scalp in a way they'd discovered calmed him. "If you need some time to deal with this, that's okay. But please know I'm here for you, and if there's anything I can do to help you through it, please tell me. I'm not you, and I can't just know what will help, and I don't want to make things worse by assuming."

"Could…" he broke off feeling awful about asking, though he was sure she'd meant it. "Could you just hold me a little longer?" He hated how fragile his voice sounded.

"I'd be happy to." She squeezed him gently. "Anytime."

Proceed to Chapter Three >>>

Given the modifications to the plot of one story, I'm down to three more to wrap this project up, including one more chapter in this story.

[uniformbravo]

me trying to make a gif part 2 (thrilling finale, buildup ver.)

ok good news and bad news: good news being withheld for Spoilers (not that it’s that hard to guess anyway lol), bad news explained first bc, chronologically, it is first

so yesterday i mentioned in the tags of that post that i had seen that krita has an animation feature so i was gonna try importing the frames into that and then exporting it as a gif. easier said than done, as it turns out

i started by opening the file i made yesterday with 62 layers as the frames and importing that into krita, which worked fine (i didn’t know you could actually open .psd files in clip stuido ((this typo is so fucking stupid it made me laugh so im leaving it)) and krita, so that’s pretty neat, i wonder if it works the other way around too) but i ran into problems when i tried to convert those layers into frames in an animation. because, like, the layout of the program has the layers displayed in one tab, and the animation timeline in another, like so:

(do u like how im using pictures now, i thought of that yesterday after i published the other post and realized hey, visual reference would probably make my plight a lot easier to understand!! so enjoy these educational diagrams from now on)

so my goal was to get the frames from the layers into the timeline, and i still don’t know if i did it right bc lbr krita is not very intuitive at all,,.,, i mean i watched a video tutorial abt how to animate in krita which was v helpful (it’s the one by jesse j james on yt fuckin SHout out) but it was about animating from scratch, not importing an animation you’ve already done elsewhere

so like, the way krita’s animation thing works, from what i could piece together as i bumbled my way around w/ it, is that each layer in the layers tab is a separate timeline in the,,, timeline tab

i want them all to be in the same timeline, not separate ones, and there’s no way to combine them in the timeline tab bc doing that just overwrites whatever layer you’re pasting it down onto, and also if you define the number of frames for that timeline (62 for this project) it just puts the single image of that layer for all of the frames instead of just one of them, so you’d have to go through and delete all the other frames you don’t want it to be, which would be such a fuckin pain

so i found a workaround, which is so tedious that it can’t be the right way to do it, but basically i started w/ layer 1 and defined 62 frames & then emptied frames 2-62, like this

(that blue box is the frame, btw, even tho it says 0, which actually kind of annoys me like why doesn’t it start the first frame on 1????)

from there i went up to layer two and selected that in the timeline, but for some reason the frame doesn’t show up automatically?

& i couldnt fuckin figure out how to make it into like, an Official Timeline Layer or whatever tf bc like, u see on layer 1 how theres that little lightbulb-looking icon on the right? that’s for turning on onion skin which only applies when you actually have frames with things drawn on them, so basically layer 2 in the layers tab has a drawing but in the timeline it doesn’t?

i didn’t find out what the actual reason for this is or how you’re /supposed/ to make the frame appear in the timeline, but what i did was right click on layer 2′s timeline & select “create blank frame” which magically made the frame i want appear

but it’s on top of the layer 1 frame, and i want it to be the frame after. also it’s still in a different timeline. this is the only easy fix in this whole damn process, u can literally just click & drag the frame from layer 2 to layer 1 and put it wherever u want on the timeline

and then u just delete layer 2 and that’s it, frame transferred!! then i just had to do that for 60 more layers and after [unspecified amount of time but it was a fuckin while ok] my timeline looked like this!

(the gaps near the end are held frames, to save me time so i didn’t have to copy a bunch of frames that were exactly the same)

krita is great because as far as i know ur animation can have an unlimited number of frames, at the risk of your own pc’s processing power, which is a definite upside to SOME expensive art programs i know (clip studio, i’m talking abt csp) and u can pick the frame rate too (cough photoshop elements 5.0 even tho u dont technically have an animation feature & it’s a miracle u can even make gifs at all) so once i finally got all the frames situated all nice and in order like on the same timeline, playing it was great! played at the right speed, looped perfectly, it was a dream come true right

well, time to export it as a gif

ha

haha

hoooo oo  o

so u got 2 options for exporting ur animation, u can either hit “export,” which lets u save it as different file types, one of which being gif, or you can hit “render,” which gives you gif and video options

well

i tried export first, bc that seemed like a good idea, but the “””gif””” it made was distinctly not a gif, despite its claim to be one?? this is what i got:

notice: 1. it is not moving, and 2. the black bars to the sides?? those are supposed to be transparent. they’re transparent in the file i made so why didn’t they register as transparent in the export, when gifs have transparency capabilities??

so That was some real live bullshit but i still had the “render” option, right? export was wrong, so rrender must be the correct option to go to that will produce the results i am wanting to see produced in front of me like a silver dinner platter with a correctly functioning gif under the lid, that’s what i want to see and “Render Animation...” is gonna Give me that silver platter righWRONG ok look at this shit rn ok Look

it says GIF it says it RIGHT THERE right??? right?????? then WHY

?????????????

and it also gave me all This bullshit

like did i ask?? did i fucking ask???? i already have all the individual frames why do i need even M o re i mfjgjgk

((rationally ok yea thats v useful for if ur making the animation in krita and want to export the frames to use elsewhere, but like uhhh 1. again, they’re not transparent & 2. i should have the option of saying i don’t want these??? bc *meme voice* i don’t want these)

so in the end i could find NO correct method of exporting animations as a gif in krita bc every ooption that says gif is fuckign LYING to ur face there are NO gifs in krita, aliens made the progam who looked at gifs and went “hmm i thikng this is how a gif works “ and just made jpegs instead but somehow got on the computers good side and got it to lie for them about it being a gif so thats why it says gif on the file still even tho its not a gif illimati confinr

so what is the conclusion to this? well i said there was good news too, and this is the portion where i divulge that sweet nectar (i type dthis 2 seconds ago and @ me what the fuck)

so after wasting a good 2 hours trying to figure out krita i gave up and watched some good old [youtuber name redacted bc what if it shows up in search & ppl see this dumbass post in there but it rhymes with fjackfsepticfeye] to relax into accepting my fate that i’ll never be able to upload my animations to tungle except in poor quality loopless video form, making me into a laughing stock on my own art blog, but THEN i had a stroke of genius, in my Brain

so if u read yesterday’s post u might remember that flipnote studio, the animation program i use on my ds, to animate, has the option to export files as gifs, both animated and sequential (meaning either as one fully animated gif or each individual frame separately), which is super convenient, but as i mentioned yesterday, any time i tried to open the folder with those files on my laptop, it crashed immediately

WELL today i thought “hey, how about instead of opening the folder in the sd card when it’s plugged in, how about i copy that folder from the sd card to my flash drive, and try to open it there, in case it’s the card’s hardware that’s causing the problem, not corrupted files”

so i tried that and it FUCKING WORKED THANK GOD GLORY HALLELUJAH

so now instead of spedning A THOUSAND YEARS trying and failing to force art programs to bend to my will i can just export the animations straight from my ds and drag them onto my computer Just As God Intended oh GOD im so fucking happy

here’s the gif in the end, i’m gonna post it to my art blog too but this is the Green Version bc i animate in green bc of some default settings in flipnote that i got used to, plus it makes me feel like i’m just sketching so nothing really has to be finalized so i’m comfortable while i work, and also it’s just nice ok it’s a Nice Green

(there’s a few frames at the end that are like the extra scraps from while i was working dw i got rid of those in the final version that i’m posting to my art blog later. also i added my blog url to that one too it’s aaaaaall good)

the only downside to this method is that i can’t change the canvas size to be 540px wide to fit with tumbrl s image dimensions but whatever i can just post them in a text post and fix the html to display it at its original size instead of the resizing bullshit tmurbl pulls constantly ugh. anyway it works great on desktop but it’s inevitably gonna look like shit on mobile no matter what i do *Big Ass Shrug*

anyway thats the end of my success story uhh i can’t make the like comment & subscribe joke again bc i already did that in the last post so like bye i guess thanks 4 watchign & have a great day i’ll see u in my next fvideo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYob4uDjEKI&t=0s

(^that’s my outro music)

[mechanicalinertia]

Stupid shit for a stupid day

1. My exams are over, so I’ve got 10-ish days until summer classes (well, class) start. Cue me waking up at high noon and not getting anything done all day.

I think I’m a little miffed that as much positive feedback as I got from my reddit-posting, much of it was in the vein of ‘man hey I remember Bubblegum Crisis that was good’ and ‘ooh interesting I want to check this out’. I guess I expected more criticism? I guess it’s hard to criticize over 200 pages of text. Regardless, the point is that in spite of myself I’ve seriously slowed down the pace of updates. I’m not spiteful, I just am writing a bunch of fluff which is relatively uninteresting stuff, geopolitics and tech level and all that. I wonder, sometimes, if I should cut it out, or not finish it altogether. But at the same time I need something to distinguish my take on the BGC setup from the 2032 original setup. 2040 is bad and horrible and we don’t talk about it, obviously.

2. The third reason I haven’t been as productive is because I’ve become a video game junkie again. I bought Doom 2016, which was ok but I’m starting to become tired of it,VA11-HA11A, which should be good but I haven’t played it yet, and Epic Battle Fantasy 5, which has sucked away 11 hours of my life in like 3 days.

Oh man, I love this game. I played the 4th one as a flash game on Armor Games wayyyy back in 2012, when I was much younger and much dumber. Playing this new one isn’t just like having liquid nostalgia injected into my carotid artery, it’s actually a good experience on its own. Simple combat, lots of flashy bits, stupid comedy (bear enemies have an attack where they shit at you), lots of good loot-related feedback loops, etc. Whatever. I feel like I should stop playing, though. I only have so much time in a given day (which isn’t helped by getting up at noon, but who’s counting?)

3. I need to re-evaluate my relationship with video games. I like em’ much less than I used to, am more aware of how they get their tentacles into my brain orifices, to use an awful metaphor, more cognizant of what I could and should be doing with my time otherwise. And yet, at the same time, I can’t walk away. The medium still has so much stuff I like rolled up in it. For better or for worse, games and game-adjacent media made most of who I am today.

But my PC is 4 years old and was barely cutting edge at the time. I’ve got a laptop but it’s for work, not play, only has an integrated graphics card.

So I’ve got 3 options: Switch, PS5, or upgrade my PC. Any one of these should be able to play Cyberpunk 2077, which is a game I was sort of interested in until I started reading the CP2020 RPG books, whereupon I became really interested in it, like most-anticipated-game-of-the-year-knowledge-of-crunch-and-shitty-labor-practices-be-damned interested. (I mean, it might not work on a Switch, so... hrm.)

I’m not asking for internet advice here, but I do want to sort of weigh my options.

PC: Most Expensive, potentially Most Powerful, potentially Longest-lasting, already a PC Gamer in the loosest sense, but would be very bulky for work/play in college dorms especially considering I already have a laptop

PS5: Has The Last Of Us Part 2, slightly cheaper, doesn’t come out till holidays

Switch: Has various Nintendo exclusives which I’m slightly more lukewarm on, weakest hardware, most portable, strongest social-play stuff going on, probably cheapest, but good luck trying to find one in quarantine

Just Not: Arguably healthiest route, cheapest route, forces me to do more writing, I took so fucking long to wean myself off of games that I might as well not slip back into old habits, etc.

4. I should really reread Snow Crash. I read it when I was like 10, and I think I missed a lot of the cool shit that was going on. Oh, wait, I have a massive pile of books I have yet to read. There you go folks. If you must occupy your time over this quarantine, occupy your time with a good book.