I Always Wanted a Brother
AU: Trans Regulus
Thinking about turning this into a full-length fic. Would love (constructive) opinions!
DISCLAIMER/TW: This discusses internal and general transphobia so the ideas expressed here are not always true/healthy/accurate. it is also from the POV of a child who is not well-versed on queer identities, so some things are purposely inaccurate.
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The first time it had happened was when he was small.
He couldn’t remember the exact age, but it was small enough that he was still too short to reach the floor when he sat on the big chairs in the formal dining room. He was still too little to properly recognize the feelings that washed through him that day.
His mother had forced them into the stuffiest of clothing for a family dinner- their extended relatives were coming and Walburga expected only the best from her children. Having been raised on the most conservative Pureblood ideals, the Black heirs were expected to be pristine and perfect.
Sirius, grumbling and muttering, had been forced into a starched set of dress robes, complete with collar and ruffle.
Regulus wore a dress.
It was tight in the worst places, and flowy in others, and he felt as if he couldn’t properly breathe. Not because it was too tight, but because it was wrong.
His stomach lurched as he looked in the mirror.
Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
“Sirius, I can’t wear this,” he whispered, just loud enough for his older brother to hear.
But Sirius didn’t seem to understand. “You think I’m any happier?” he groused, pulling at the ruffles on his cuffs.
And so Regulus sighed, and went through the day, feeling as if his skin was crawling as he went. Goosebumps erupted on the back of his neck every time he caught his reflection on any shiny surface. It was excruciating, even as a small child.
It was only later, as he crawled under Sirius’s covers and they whispered back and forth about cousin Bella’s awful haircut that he asked, “Sirius, why do you never have to wear dresses?”
And Sirius gave him a strange look. “I’m a boy, Reggie. Only girls wear dresses.”
Regulus contemplated that, curling close to his brother as they both drifted to sleep, and wondered if there was any sort of spell to turn him into a boy, too. Then, he wouldn’t have to wear dresses.
–
He was lumped in with the girls. Narcissa, Bellatrix, Andromeda. His name was spoken along with theirs, while Sirius’s was singled out. It was odd, he realized as he grew- why was he put with the girls? He didn’t feel like he belonged there. He’d asked his mother once, why this was so.
It was the first time he’d been hit.
He might have been hit more, except Sirius had accidentally broken some priceless heirloom, and suddenly he was the focus of Mother’s ire.
The bruise healed, but the confusion remained.
He tried not to stare enviously that year when Sirius would receive boy things for Christmas, like knives and collared shirts, while he, himself received makeup and bows for his hair.
He was expected to like dolls and pink and frills and lace.
He did not.
Sirius got to play with toy brooms and wear pants.
He did not.
Why?
-
He watched Sirius jealously when they both got haircuts and Sirius’s hair was always cropped smartly to his ears. His own hair was past his shoulders and it was wavy and feminine and horrid in a way that made his stomach feel as if it were trying to escape through his mouth.
He played a game with himself, sometimes.
At first he told nobody.
He would pretend to be a boy, in his head.
He would pretend to have short hair and pants and the toys and clothes that Sirius had.
But once, he slipped.
He mentioned it to mother.
That was the first time he was left in his room all day, with no meals.
He suspected it might have been longer, except Sirius was caught sneaking food to him. He didn’t see Sirius for three days after that.
-
Sirius understood.
Well, he didn’t understand, but he didn’t judge.
Days later, when Sirius snuck into his room, he confessed to Sirius about his game. Sirius looked at him for a long time before asking, “Do you want me to pretend, too? Do you want me to pretend you’re a boy?”
It was so simple, but it made him so happy.
After that, Sirius would sneak him his old clothes and they would stay up late having fashion shows. “They look better on you than me, Reggie!” Sirius would say with a grin.
He felt so sane in those moments. Like he wasn’t breaking some stupid rule he didn’t even understand.
-
It got worse, of course. As he got older, he realized that it wasn’t just dresses and toys and games in his head.
He resisted the urge to cry when he looked at himself in the mirror and saw the curve of hips beginning to form, all while Sirius walked around shirtless, showing off the smooth frame he craved.
It was his body. It was all wrong.
Was he crazy?
Mother had caught him wearing Sirius’s old pants and had hit him and called him words he had never heard before and had starved him for two days. Sirius had brought him food again. He’d been caught and hurt even worse.
But he still couldn’t fix it. He couldn’t fix himself. He couldn’t stop pretending he was a boy and wondering if, somehow, whatever magic made babies show up in mothers had been botched somehow with him. Was he a product of a ruined spell? The consequence of the inbreeding of his parents?
The worrying and wondering was terrifying. He felt crazy. But he only cried into Sirius’s shoulder, unable to voice his thoughts.
He was broken. He could never be fixed.
-
The day Sirius was due to leave for Hogwarts, he cried and cried because Sirius was the only one that treated him as normal. He had been his confidant, his safe haven, and he was leaving.
And Sirius found him, sobbing in his brother’s bed, and whispered, “I’m gonna come back, Reggie, don’t worry.”
And he murmured, “But nobody else…” Nobody else what? Nobody else loved him, despite his insanity and self-hatred?
It wasn’t normal. He had been telling himself that for the better part of three years, ever since he’d started his little game. Normal people didn’t reject their own bodies and want to…want to be…
It was disgusting.
So, he met his brother’s eyes and said, “I’ll just miss you, that’s all.”
—
The four months between the start of school and the holidays were the longest of his life. After the news of Sirius’s sorting into Gryffindor reached home Mother was nothing less than volent. He didn’t dare step a toe out of line. He felt as if he were slowly dying, rising every morning for the tutor Mother had hired, pulling on the dresses Mother set out daily, not even able to find lightness or humor in the sarcastic remarks Sirius used to make behind the tutor’s back. It was numbing.
Sirius wrote, but his letters were careful- they both knew their parents read the letters, so the letters were light and surface-level. They still tore at his heart, though, in the way they described Sirius’s happiness. Happiness without him.
But it was the day Sirius returned to their home, the day he pulled him into his room and under the covers, like they used to do when they were small, and described his friends, that his life changed forever.
He listened in bittersweet fascination as Sirius described James (“James Potter, he’s wonderful and so cool, Reggie, and his parents are so nice, they always send us things!”) and Peter and Remus (“He’s like…quiet, like you. But I reckon there’s something to him, and I’ll figure it out”). And he talked about Lily and Alice and Mary and Marlene. But Regulus wasn’t most interested in Sirius’s friends’ names, or even if they were nice. No, he almost physically jumped off of the bed when Sirius mentioned Gideon.
Gideon was a member of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, older than Sirius, and apparently, it’d taken Sirius about three minutes to mention, had caused quite a stir that Fall.
“Well, s’because I guess he used to be a girl? But now he’s not,” Sirius explained, looking a bit confused, himself. “I guess you can do that? James calls it trans.” Sirius nodded, as if confirming to himself that that was the correct term. “Like Transfiguration, I guess? Changing? But he just didn’t want to be a girl, so now, he’s not!”
He gaped. That was possible? He asked Sirius this question, trying to seem casual.
“Yeah, guess so! I mean, it’s kind of like the game you play, right? Except, real! And Gideon says he’s a lot happier now, so good for him, I guess? But some of the other kids have been right prats about it, seems like–” Sirius broke off, taking in his expression. “Reggie, are you okay?”
He was crying. “You can do that?” He repeated.
And then, Sirius seemed to realize. Because for a twelve-year-old, he was decently smart, and knew him better than anyone. “D’you…d’you want to do that, Reggie? I thought…I thought it was just a game?”
And he could only shake his head.
There was a stunned beat of silence. Then, Sirius grinned. “Well…I always wanted a brother.”
Hey guys! I used my own experience with dysphoria as well as a very helpful friend here on Tumblr to help make this as realistic as possible! Let me know your thoughts! I purposely only used he/him pronouns for Regulus and avoided using his deadname because the fic is from his POV and the point is he is a boy.
As a reminder, trans men are men, trans women are women. This is just child Regulus's POV, so he and Sirius aren't very educated on the subject.
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First of all, Scotland, for passing the Scottish Hate Crime Act and trying to protect trans people, thank you. Thank you for treating us as humans, thank you for recognising our identities.
However....
fuck you JK Rowling. fuck your TERF rants that endanger our lives. fuck your Nazi attitudes.
fuck you Police Scotland for proving that you're fucks and will not take this law seriously, even when someone intentionally, repeatedly, maliciously and gleefully breaks this law in a very, very public forum.
fuck you Police Scotland for not only refusing to take action when someone is breaking this law intentionally, repeatedly, maliciously and gleefully, but also proving that
1) this new law will NOT be taken seriously by you
2) this tells every TERF and Tory out there that the law is NOT valid, and that the law does NOT include queer people, specifically in this case Trans people; and
3) this tells every queer/Trans/enby/multi-sex/hermaphrodite person that we are NOT actually protected as this new law promises, and you can and will continue abusing us and destroying our lives.
Fucking thanks. Cos it wasn't obvious enough that every day gets more and more dangerous for us trans/enby people, so thanks for just making it clear to the fucking world that even when someone mocks this law openly, you don't fucking care because we are not fucking people. Got it.
So fuck you Police Scotland, specifically, for doing NOTHING when someone blatantly flouts this law. Fuck every one of you ACAB fuckers.
fuck everyone who still works with you, Rowling and still even speaks to you after knowing what you are.
fuck everyone who still buys anything related to the Harry Potter franchise knowing the money is going into the pocket of someone like this. Because she sends that money back out to fucking Anti-Trans orgs that hurt us.
fuck you HP fans who plan to watch her new tv show. You cannot be a fan of a massive transphobe trying to destroy us, and an ally at the same time. so fuck you.
fuck harry potter fans who wear HP merchandise stuff knowing what she has said and done, yes I don't care if you bought it before she said it, fuck you because you know exactly what she represents. Not apologising. Yeah, I'm totally judging you if you're wearing HP merch, even if especially if you're queer. I don't care how much HP meant to you as a child. I don't care about fucking nostalgia. I care about the Trans lives that are in danger every day because of monsters like this fucking woman.
fuck you Rishi Sunak for backing and legitimising this horrible woman and her bigotry.
fuck you British politics, fuck you Tories. Fuck you all for destroying this country and making every day more dangerous for Queer people.
fuck you CEO David Zaslav. fuck you Warner Bros. for being willing and happy to work with this fucking woman for her fucking franchise so she can continue to fucking make millions and fucking fund anti-trans orgs.
fuck every single one of who who protects, excuses and funds this fucking behaviour. And fuck every one of you who doesn't give a fuck at everything that is happening.
fuck these fucking fucks. fuck you TERFs and transphobes and fuck every single one of you fucking fucks.
Thank you for trying, Scotland. Thank you.
But please explain to the fucking POLICE and the fucking evil POLITICIANS that this new law means we are legally recognised as protected under the Scottish Hate Crime Act, so they all need to stop fucking about and treat it seriously.
and the fucking PRIME FUCKING MINISTER fucking backing this fucking TERF. I'm not surprised, just angry.
This is on you. so, fuck you if you are supporting these fuckery fucking fucks.
As is EVERY SINGLE FUCKING INCIDENT a trans person has in this fucking country. Every time someone fucking deadnames us, every time someone intentionally misgenders us, every time someone threatens our safety, every time someone fucking assaults us? every single incident is on your fucking head, you fucking fucks.
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