#the way he looks at Dean and Anna after they do that whole kissing goodbye thing

[rat-hand]

Castiel was so jealous in “heaven and hell”!

[bing-bang-bingo]

- 4x3: c. 40:00 Cas comforts Dean after Mary makes a deal w/ Azazel

- 4x7: 15:50 Dean stops Sam from shooting Cas, then Sam mentions that he’s “heard a lot about him”

- 4x7: 39:00 Cas tells Dean he prayed he’d save the town, then he tells him about his doubts and Deans future troubles

- 4x10 & ???: Dean calls “last night on Earth” his best line. He uses this line on Cas

- 4x10: 27:15 “Castiel has this weakness. He likes you.”

- 4x10: 32:50 Cas looking jealous and sad when Dean kisses Anna

- 4x16: 7:30 Cas tells Dean he got in trouble for showing emotion and getting to close to Dean. 8:20 “I would give anything not to have you do this”

- 4x16: 39:00 Cas warns Dean to be careful while Dean is in the hospital, they discuss the first seal and saving Dean from hell

- 4x18: 31:30 Cas tells Dean how to save Sam from Lilith even though he’s not allowed to interfere

- 4x20: 38:00 Deans face when Cas tells him he “learned his lesson when he was in heaven”

- 4x22: 30:40 Cas considers rebelling for Dean. 33:00 He does. 35:20 He fights multiple Archangels for Dean

- 5x1: 5:45 Dean denies Cas’ death 8:25 “I learned that from my friend Cas you son of a bitch”

- 5x1: 31:00 Cas saves Sam and Dean from Zach

- 5x3: 6:10 Cas-“I need your help because your the only one who will help me”

- 5x3: 10:20 Dean fixes Cas’ tie and jacket

- 5x4: 38:50 “Don’t Ever Change”

- 5x8: 38:20 Dean makes Gabriel bring Cas back, then makes sure he’s okay

- 5x13: ?:?? Cas won’t let Dean meet with Anna because it’s not safe

- 5x17: 30:30 Cas and Dean discuss what it’s like to have a deadbeat dad

- 5x18: 25:15 Cas kicks Deans ass for trying to sacrifice himself

- 5x21: 3:50 Cas and Dean bickering like and old married couple then Cas gives Dean a heartfelt apology.

- 6x17: 18:55 “No you’re confusing me with the other angel, the one in the dirty trench coat who is in love with you.”

- 6x17: 38:00 Sam: “So you killed 50,000 people for us?” Cas: *looks at Dean*

- 6x19: 25:20 Bobby reassures Cas that they’ll be back soon, Cas acts like a worried and disappointed wife.

- 6x19: 36:25 Cas yelling “Dean!” when Eve bites him

- 6x19: 40:00 Dean is the only one who doesn’t think Cas is working with Crowley (he’s wrong but it’s sweet)

- 6x20: 4:50 Dean v v worried, “But Cas you’ll call right? If you get into real trouble?”

- 6:30 Crowley implies that Cas is distracted by Dean and tells him he reeks of the Impala.

- 7:20 Cas says that Dean taught him how to care and what to care about. Then Cas saves Sam (for Dean)

- 13:15 Cas says that the worst part of working with Crowley (basically his sworn natural enemy) is that it hurt Dean and that he hated lying to him.

- 25:20 Cas refuses to ask Dean for help because he has “sacrificed too much” even though it means Cas could die.

- 26:00 Crowley tells Cas he has a way for everyone to get a happy ending “with all possible entendres intended” while Cas stares longingly at Dean.

- 33:00 Dean is close to tears when he learns that Cas is working with Crowley, Cas says he did it to protect Dean.

- 35:25 “Dammit Cas we can fix this!” “Dean it’s not broken!” He then tells the boys to run from the demon cloud and Dean gives him the saddest look in the world before being forced to leave him behind.

- 38:00 Cas watches Dean sleep. “I’m doing this for you Dean. I’m doing this because of you!”

- 6x21: 22:40 “I do everything you ask. I always come when you call and I am your friend. Still despite your lack of faith in me and now your threats I’ve just saved you yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you?”

- 6x22: Dean to Cas- “Don’t make me lose you, too.”

- 7x2: 5:35 Dean nearly cries on screen when he thinks Cas is dead

- 7x17: Cas says “I remember ~you~” as soon as he regains his memories.

- 7x17: Cas ask why Dean didn’t tell him all the horrible things Cas did. Parallels the conversation Karen and Dean had about telling Bobby she remembered him killing her and her telling Dean that he had never been on love before.

- 7x21: The face Dean makes when he sees Cas again plus the prolonged eye contact when Cas says Deans name.

- 7x21: Hester telling Dean that when Cas first saved him from Hell he was lost- parallels- Lucifer/Jess saying she was dead the moment she met Sam.

- 7x23: 8:50 “Go ask him. He was your boyfriend first.” Meg to Dean about Cas

- 7x23: 32:45 “I’m sorry but I’d rather have you, cursed or not.”

- 7x23: 36:50 Cas steps in to protect Dean despite spending the whole season avoiding fighting and saying he won’t fight.

- 8x2: 25:00 Cas ran away to keep the Leviathans away from Dean. Dean refuses to leave purgatory without Cas.

- 8x7: 20:30 Deans reaction to seeing Cas all cleaned up.

- 8x7: Dean convinced himself that it was his fault Cas was still in purgatory because he’s a sweet idiot boy who hates himself

- 8x7: 35:00 The whole Dean and Cas conversation about purgatory and Cas doing stuff that puts him in danger.

- 8x8: 12:30 Cas just casually going through Deans stuff and Dean not saying anything.

- 8x8: 13:00 Cas offering to watch over Dean while he slept

- 8x8: 15:15 Dean talks to Cas about feelings and heaven even though Dean hates talking about feelings.

- 8x17: Cas fights Naomi’s mind control for Dean

- 8x23: 22:50 Dean and Cas sadly discuss Cas closing the doors of heaven and say goodbye

- 9x1: Dean prays to Cas and tells him he isn’t mad about the angels falling.

- 9x1: Cas’ first instinct is to explain himself to Dean then to come help him.

- 9x1: Dean begs Cas to “for once, look out for yourself.”

- 9x3: 36:45 Dean to Cas after Cas came back from the dead “Don’t you ever do that again!”

- 9x6: Literally just Dean trying desperately the whole episode to hang out with Cas

- 9x10: 26:00 Dean and Cas talk about how Cas is doing and Dean offers him a rare sincere apology. Plus the “I prefer the term ‘trusting’. Less dumb, less ass.” dialogue

- 9x18: Cas’ little smile when Dean makes a joke about Honor Bars and Cas is just so happy to hear his voice.

- 9x18: Metatron’s illusion of Gabriel calls Cas Dean’s boy-toy

- 9x18: Cas can tell something is wrong with Dean, then Cas yells at Dean about getting the Mark of Cain

- 9x22: Cas chooses Dean over all of Heaven once again

- 9x22: The Cas and Dean conversation about the three of them being enough when an army wasn’t and Cas giving up an army all for Dean

- 9x23: “I’m blaming you for taking Cas’ grace.”

- 10x1: 5:00 Cas about Dean- “I miss him.”

- 10x2: 9:00 Cas’ reaction to learning that Dean is a demon

- 10x3: The conversation between Dean and Cas at the end of the episode. “You look terrible” “You on the other hand, your looking good.”

- 10x5: Deans reaction to Cas and Dean actors hugging and holding hands

- 10x5: “Put as much sub into that text as you possibly can.” *looks directly at fake Cas*

- 10x9: 15:00 Cas tells Dean he’s a good role model. Then asks him if he’s okay and when Dean lies and says he is he pushes it further. Dean makes Cas promise to kill him if he goes Dark

- 10x22: Dean and Cas fight and parallel Cain and his Wife.

- 10x23: Dean sees Cas’ bloody face in the mirror

- 11x1: Cas being more worried about Dean than himself even though Cas is under a spell that will kill him.

- 11x2: Dean calling Cas and stressing out when he doesn’t answer

- 11x3: Dean trying to coax Cas out of the attack dog spell, refusing to fight back when Cas was attacking, freaking out when Cas took a minute to wake up, refusing to let Cas heal him (because he “had it coming”), and refusing to let Cas apologize (because “there’s nothing to apologize for”).

- 11x10: “Dean, I came as soon as you called.” Also: “Stick your tongue out.” Dean-*does*

- 11x11: Dean realizing that something is wrong with Cas (while he is possessed by Lucifer)

- 11x11: Mildred says that Dean is pining for someone else(probably meant to be a reference to Amara, but she told him this after he had seen Cas for the first time in a few days.)

- 11x14: The sadness on Deans face when he realizes Cas is Lucifer and then his determination to save Cas

- 11x15: Dean getting kinda dark when he talks about what he’s willing to do to save Cas and he prioritizes saving Cas over bearing Amara.

- 11x17: Dean once again prioritizing saving Cas over saving the world. Sam reassuring Dean that they’ll save Cas (even though Dean didn’t say anything about what was upsetting him)

- 11x17: The camera zooming in on Dean after Michelle says that there is no normal after losing the man you love.

- 11x18: Dean refuses to put Lucifer in the cage or let him fight Amara while using Cas as his vessel.

- 11x18: The difference in the way Dean looks at Lucifer vs at Cas

- 11x18: Dean about Cas: “Lets go find that idiot and bring him home.”

- 11x19: Dean has been looking for leads non stop for a week since Amara took Cas

- 11x21: Amara uses Cas’s heart to find Dean, then shows Dean images of Cas beaten and bloodied to convince him to turn against Chuck

- 11x23: Dean’s face when he realizes Cas is back and Lucifer is gone.

- 11x23: Dean tells Cas he isn’t stupid and that he always helps

- 11x23: Cas: “Dean are you okay? How do you feel?”

- 11x23: Cas hugging Dean super tight before he goes off to die. Dean entrusting his life’s purpose (look after Sam) then thanking him for everything.

- 12x1: Cas seeing that Dean is alive and hugging him while his voice breaks.

- 12x1: Cas taking the job Dean have him very seriously

- 12x2: Dean adorably venting to Cas about his mommy-issues

- 12x3: Dean- “Morning sunshine want some coffee.” Cas- “No thank you.”

- 12x7: “Well at least I don’t look like a lumberjack.” They are such husbands

- 12x7: “Engaged in what Cas? killing you?”

- 12x8: Cas being so worried about what happened to Sam and DEAN that Kelly escaped.

- 12x9: Mary-“You left them!” Cas- *voice breaking* “Dean told me to go!” Also, just Cas looking so hard for them.

- 12x9: Cas blaming himself for Sam and Dean being taken

- 12x9 Cas knowing how long the boys have been gone down to the hour.

- 12x9: Cas’s voice and eyes when he hears Dean’s voice on the phone.

- 12x9: Cas killing Billie because “You mean too much to me” and “The world needs as many Winchesters as it can get.”

- 12x10: Poor Sam having to deal with Cas and Dean while they fight like an old married couple.

- 12x10: Dean immediately telling Ishim to go to hell when he insults Cas

- 12x10: Sam telling Dean to go to Cas when Dean thought Cas was in trouble

- 12x10: Cas immediately believing Dean about Ishim even though they’re mad at each other. Dean about to let Ishim kill him to save Cas.

- 12x10: Ishim comparing Dean and Cas’s relationship to Ishims relationship with his human lover, then saying he was going to cut Cas’s human weakness

- 12x11: “And Cas is my best friend.”

- 12x12: Dean about Cas- “My shy but devastatingly handsome friend here...”

- 12x12: Dean stressing out and voice breaking as he tries to comfort poisoned Cas

- 12x12: LITERALLY TOLD DEAN THAT HE LOVED HIM WHILE CAS WAS DYING

- 12x12: *looking at Dean* “I love you.” Then adds “I love all of you”

- 12x12: Cas- “Run.” Dean- “Cas, no.”

- 12x12: The look Dean gives Cas when he won’t stop staring at him after he’s healed.

- 12x14: Dean says some very harsh stuff to Mary after finding out the reason they Cas almost died at the lake house was because Mary was working for the British Men of Letters

- 12x15: Dean could tell something was up with Cas after talking to him for less than a minute, over the phone.

- 12x18: Sam trying to make Dean feel better about not hearing from Cas.

- 12x19: Dean literally always acting like a scorned wife when Cas comes back after long periods of time

- 12x19: Dean made Cas a mixtape

- 12x19: Cas- “I ~needed~ to came back here with a win for you.”

- 12x19: Cas- *gesturing between Dean and himself* “You mean... we?” Dean- “Yes, dumbass, we.”

- 12x23: Dean screaming for Cas when he attacks Lucifer and trying to chase after him forcing Sam to drag Dean back through the rift. A direct parallel to Dean pulling Sam away from Jess and the fire in Pilot

- 12x23: Dean kneeling next to Cas’s dead body looking up at the sky completely devastated.

- 13x1: Dean couldn’t bring himself to say dead when referring to Cas

- 13x1: Dean PRAYED to GOD to bring Cas back

- 13x1: “We just lost ~everything~. And now you’re gonna bring ~him~ back.”

- 13x1: Dean personally wrapping Cas’s body and giving him a hunters funeral.

- 13x1: The look of complete devastation on Dean’s face when he burns Cas’s body.

- 13x3: Dean refusing to help save Jack because he blames him for manipulating Cas and getting him killed.

- 13x4: The Empty to Cas: “I know what you love, what you fear. There is nothing for you back there.” He loves Dean and Cas fears that Dean doesn’t love him back.

- 13x5: Sam being worried about Dean who has given up all hope since Cas died.

- 13x5: Dean being so distressed thinking Cas is gone forever that he tries to kill himself

- 13x5: Dean seeing Cas alive again and they both have tears in their eyes.

- 13x6: Dean hugging Cas and saying he’s been gone for “too damn long”

- 13x6: Dean being immediately happier and nicer to everyone once Cas is back

- 13x6: Cas saying “Yes. Yes, he does” (in response to Jack saying Dean really likes cowboys) with the tone of an exhausted spouse.

- 13x6: “I told you, he’s an angry sleeper. Like a bear.”

- 13x6: Dean made Cas watch Tombstone with him.

- 13x6: Dean and Cas dresses like cowboy husbands.

- 13x6: Cas saying “I’m your huckleberry” to Dean in a deep accent and Dean looking away.

- 13x6: Their undercover names are Russel and Kilmer

- 13x14: The whole scene where Cas and Dean fight Gog/Magog and act like an old married couple.

- 13x14: The angry, dark look Cas gives Donatello when he tries to kill Dean

- 13x16: “Dean has him by the thigh!” Cas, jealously: “He ~what~?”

- 13x16: “and that includes the Cartwright twins.” Cas, again jealously: “what did you do with the Cartwright twins?”

- 13x19: Cas angrily confronting Naomi about forcing him to kill a bunch of Dean clones.

- 13x21: Cas secretly sliding Dean more pizza when Mary and Sam left the room.

- 13x21: Cas having to hold Dean back from going after Sam. Dean would have beat the shit out of anyone else who tried to stop him.

- 13x23: Cas trying to stop Dean from giving himself to Michael even if it meant losing Sam AND Jack

- 13x23: Cas sitting alone in the bum jet with tears in his eyes after Dean left

- 14x1: Demon: “How is it you lost Dean. I thought you two were joined at the... everything.”

- 14x1: Dean trying to save Cas from Lucifer then vs Cas trying to save Dean from Michael now

- 14x3: The look that Dean and Cas give each other when Dean comes home.

- 14x9: Cas almost being happy seeing Dean happy. And then having to force himself to not be happy so he doesn’t die.

- 14x12: Cas being phased at Dean for wanting to put himself in the box with Michael forever

- 14x14: Cas is the only Dean will let talk to him about Michael and be honest about how Dean feels

- 14x14: “No, it’s on us.”

- 14x14: Cas’s voice breaking when he talks about the possibility of Dean dying one day.

- 14x18: The pure self loathing in Cas’s eyes when he feels like he failed Dean by not telling him about Jack’s soul.

- 15x2: “You asked ‘what about all of this is real?’ We are.” THE MOST ROMANTIC LINE EVER. (Plus later Eileen and Sam have the same conversation but they get to kiss because homophobia)

- 15x9- 20:00 Dean said that they lost everyone they cared about, then added Cas specifically. Then he says “I had to bury him” not “we”

- 15x9- 23:00 Dean cries when he can’t find Cas. Then he prays to him and apologizes for letting him go. He falls to his knees praying to him and fully crying

- 15x12: “I created the world.” *shows Destiel*

- 15x15: This time when Dean sees Cas leaving the bunker, he stops him. (In reference to Cas saying “you didn’t stop me” when Dean got mad at him for leaving)

- 15x16: This is the the only version of Cas that rebelled for Dean. This universe is literally being saved repeatedly because of Cas’s love for Dean

- 15x18: CAS CONFESSES HIS LOVE TO DEAN then goes to mega hell for being gay

Anyway, Cas loves Dean and Dean LOVES HIM BACK, OKAY?!?!? Feel free to add more

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

I would love for you to talk more indepth about the montage. To me it feels so off and weird. Almost like a parody? So many scenes in it are "funny" moments that just don't make sense in the context of an emotional overview of the road so far... (Like all the scenes where Dean is eating, Donna with donut dust on her face, Sam getting hit during the game show.) I don't know. Isn't the montage supposed to make me nostalgic, teary-eyed? This one definitely doesn't do it for me!

Here I am! Yes, I absolutely agree. The montage is Weird(TM). It’s kind of a tone rollercoaster. It’s very full of funny/silly moments, with some serious moments smacked in. And it definitely looks like... there’s something about it.

For an easier consultation I will reference the gifs I have made of the montage sequence here.

[Gif 1] It starts pretty much like I’d expect a Supernatural goodbye montage to start. The two brothers meeting for the first time in the pilot, a reminder of their childhood with John, their banter still from the pilot, a couple moments of them driving in the car in the first seasons, Dean saving Lucas in 1x03 which is the first Dean-heavy episode and also an extremely symbolic moment for Dean’s entire journey - just think at how Lucas as a mirror was still relevent during the “drowning” Michael possession arc. Everything feels normal so far. We’re starting from the beginning! Now--

[Gif 2] Interesting and weird choices start here. Them pretending to be high school teachers from After School Special 4x13 - actually a very iconic moment for the fandom, remember that post of Dean in shorts from that episode that you had to reblog when it came on your dash? (Actually I’m not sure if I ever reblogged it lol.) Dean celebrating getting young again from The Curious Case of Dean Winchester 5x07 (and Jensen showing off his agility). The two of them showing their FBI badges to Jesse Turner’s biological mother in 5x06. Dean mowing the lawn of Mary’s house in the Djinn dream and immediately after Jess and Sam kissing also in the Djinn dream, from What Is And What Should Never Be 2x20. Then Dean after killing the witch when he was under the memory loss spell, in Regarding Dean 12x11. Sam happy when they celebrate Christmas in A Very Supernatural Christmas 3x08. Them being “lucky” under the effect of the rabbit’s foot in Bad Day At Black Rock 3x03. Sam also happy in Baby 11x04.

Again the present, then the montage starts again with the water-related ghost from Red Sky At Morning 3x06, a Bela episode, and then Bela herself from her first episode, 3x03 again.

What do these moments have in common? Not all of them, but for many of them I’d say reality being manipulated. The Djinn dream, the rabbit foot, Dean’s aging, the Antichrist... and it’s not over yet. Also, them pretending to be teachers, agents etc - not “real”.

[Gif 3] The tone suddenly gets more serious and relevant to current events: Chuck in The Monster at the End of This Book 4x18 (eh). Death in Two Minutes to Midnight 5x21 (the first appearance of Death, while now we’ve had Billie’s last and a very short-lived new one), and then two major moments from Lazarus Rising - Dean emerging from the grave and finding the handprint on his shoulder. Crowley’s first episode, Abandon All Hope 5x10. Zachariah’s death in Point Of No Return 5x18. Anna from The Song Remains The Same 5x13, where she is the antagonist having been brainwashed successfully by heaven. Michael burning and Sam jumping in the cage with Michael in 5x22, then another moment from 4x01 (the brothers hugging after reuniting). A moment from The French Mistake 6x15 (reality fuckery again!). Sam in Frontierland 6x18.

[Gif 4] Reality fuckery continues with Becky marrying Sam in 7x08. Funnily enough, this is the peak of Becky’s obsessive behavior which she went to therapy for and grew away of - it definitely emphasizes how far Becky has come. Donna’s first appeance in 9x13. That iconic shot of Dean in Bloodlust 2x03 because he’s pretty. Charlie’s first appearance in 7x20 while she dances to Walking On Sunshine (relevant?), Kevin’s first appearance in 7x21 when he becomes a prophet (lots of firsts). Abaddon’s first appearance in As Time Goes By 8x12. Then there’s the first appearance of the bunker, in the next episode, a couple shots in fact. Then more 4x01, Ruby pretending to mistake Dean for the pizza man (eh). Then more present...

This section seems to be mostly “first appearances” - including Ruby’s s4 meatsuit, i.e. Genevieve’s first appearance.

[Gif 5] We suddenly jump to more recent events with Kelly and Jack in heaven in Byzanthium 4x08. Jack’s iconic hello from 4x16 Don’t Go In The Woods. Dean teaching Jack how to drive in 14x07 Unhuman Nature. But then we suddenly go from Jack things to something completely different on the surface: two consecutive moments from Changing Channels 5x08, including the iconic Nutcracker scene, and Sully from Just My Imagination. We are actually back to the previous theme: reality fuckery. Gabriel’s episode was about placing them in “television shows”, Sully, while real, is literally a child’s “imaginary friend”. And then... a moment from the cartoon part of Scoobynatural! It doesn’t get more reality fuckery than that. Oh, wait! Charlie and Dorothy going to Oz in 9x04. That’s a pretty strong contender. Dean being hit in the face by a fairy in 6x09 - also about a realm Dean briefly went to. And, in case we felt like we hadn’t gotten enough 4x01 yet, Pamela’s first appearance (her last, albeit a hallucination, was about the whole “How come you only want what you can't have?” thing).

[Gif 6] We continue again with a mixture of firsts and weird things. Ellen’s first appearance in 2x02, Dean and Cas in 4x18 (we saw Chuck from that episode earlier), Jody’s first appearance in 5x15 Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid. Rufus in 6x04 Weekend At Bobby’s (not his first but a good episode...), Garth in 9x12 Sharp Teeth (not his first but the first in which he is a werewolf and is married... relevant to recent lamp events??), Missouri in 1x09 (her first appearance).

Then Gabriel from 13x21 Beat The Devil (an episode where he plays a trick on Lucifer) and Rowena from the same scene (in fact a scene where they’re flirting).  Then Eileen coming back to life in 15x06 and smiling at Sam. Jo flirting with Dean in 2x02 - her first appearance, again. Funnily enough, she had been introduced as a love interest, but ended up being repurposed as a sisterly figure. Tempted to say it’s relevant in an ironic way. Mary in 14x11 Damaged Goods, when Dean has a goodbye mother-son moment with her. Amara in 11x09 Oh Brother Where Art Thou when she was looking for her brother. Then Lucifer in two different vessels (12x07 Rock Never Dies and 12x21, when Lucifer regains control over the vessel).

Then Metatron doing the find a wife make babies speech to Cas in 8x23! Relevant??? Dun dun dun. Then Ketch for some reason (the first episode where we see his face, 12x08 LOTUS).

[Gif 7] Then Jo/Anael in 13x13, another first appearance. (I cropped these horribly I should have cut them when the present happens lol.)

Sandwiched between two shots from the present, Dean Sam Mary and John having dinner together in 14x13 Lebanon.

Then we start again with Dean riding Larry in 12x11, Dean and Cas dressed as cowboys in 13x06 (mini pattern here...), Asmodeus with the archangel blade in 13x13 (insert meta about Asmodeus in Christian lore here), and the really intriguing “Intermission” shot from the play in 10x05.

[Gif 8] To continue a certain pattern we might be tempted to see, Dean eating piecake from 14x06 Optimism (an episode about a distorted version of romantic love), then Dean eating noodles from 10x13 Halt & Catch Fire (the ghost is a husband that passes on thanks to his wife). Dean after his dentistry session with Garth in 15x10. Meg from 6x10 Caged Heat (the episode with the pizza man porn). Dean and Sam investigating in 4x12 Criss Angel Is a Douchebag (an episode about growing old poorly). Crowley in 10x16 Paint It Black (that episode). Dean playing that game in 14x17 Game Night (the episode Cas calls for God, and when Mary dies - the one playing the game was God...). Sam and Dean getting out of the car in 13x05 when they visit the traumatized kid (peak mourning Dean episode...). Then we go into reality fuckery territory again with 14x15 Peace of Mind, Sam under the psychic’s control and Cas disgruntled about it.

[Gif 9] Mick Davies from 12x16 Ladies Drink Free, when he learnt a lesson about monsters. Dean geeking out about the Hatchet Man - so heavy with mirror significances - in 14x04 Mint Condition. Belphegor - Jack’s dark mirror - in 15x03 The Rupture, the break-up episode. Donna’s first episode again, this time Dean and she eating donuts. Dean, Sam and Mary hugging in 12x22 after the confrontation in Mary’s head. Kaia in 13x09 The Bad Place, when Jack uses her to find the way to where Mary is (Mary pattern?). Claire&co rescuing Jody and Donna in 13x10 Wayward Sisters. Dean in 1944 dresses as a sailor in 11x14 The Vessel. Baby nyooming in 15x11 The Gamblers...

Aaand more Changing Channels, the genital herpes ad. It’s almost like reality fuckery is a theme. Followed by Sam drinking the anti-cold concoction at Garth’s in 15x10 and the two of them outside the monster fighting pit in the same episode. Then Cas, Dean, Sam and Jack on a video call with Ketch in 14x09 The Spear when they talk about the egg to trap Michael.

[Gif 10] We stay in the same episode with the four of them heading to Michael. Then the four of them celebrating Jack’s return to life (after Cas’ deal with the Empty). More present, and then the iconic “we’ve got work to do” [trunk closes] moment from the pilot.

So: some of these moments seem like genuine moments you’ll want to put in a montage, but there’s a weird predominance of characters smiling and looking happy or goofy. It’s kind of... not exactly representative of the show as a whole, you know? There are moments that fit as, you know, iconic steps in the story, but surprisingly few, and many moments you’d expect to be in a “final” montage are blatantly not there. Several moments with, let’s put it like this, suspicious meta connotations. Moments that, well, we don’t know what happens in the finale yet, but smell like they might be relevant to future developments. (Metatron’s speech to newly human Cas anyone?)

What really strikes me is the amount of moments connected to reality being manipulated or distorted in some way. Lots of Changing Channels, fantasy elements of various kinds (the Djinn dream, Scoobynatural, Oz, the imaginary friend Becky’s wedding to Sam, the fairy, ...), them acquiring luck (s3) or losing it (s15), and so on. It’s almost like the sequence is telling us something...

Thoughts?

[fromparishwithlove]

Nothing But Handprints

[2,663 words, Destiel, mostly canon compliant]

A/N: Hey, hi, it’s midnight and I spent three days writing something and I actually finished it. It’s not that long, maybe 3,000 words but it’s something and I’m kinda proud of that. Ever since Supernatural ended I’ve found myself writing more and more. I’m actually working on a full fic and right now, it’s the most words I’ve ever written for one story, even though it just a shitty first draft. But before I publish that, I wanted to share something smaller, ease my way in so to speak. So this is a lot of Dean Winchester angst and a sort of continuous ‘Oh Shit’ moment in which he processes lots of memories and realises the impact Castiel had on his life, many of which are connected by the significance of the handprint. Ahhh the beloved handprint! Tbh I was kind of inspired by Jensen’s enthusiasm for bringing it back in 15x18 so you can thank him if you like this story. I think I’m going to eventually add this to Ao3 and it may get a sequel but for now, I hope you like it. Or at least don’t hate it.

Cas was gone.

Dean felt the loss as surely as if one of his lungs had been ripped out. Maybe it had. Maybe that’s why it was so fucking hard to breathe. And still he kept dragging in air, each breath a razor blade - Inhale. Exhale - forcing himself to endure the exquisite pain of survival.

Survival, he knew, was its own brand of suffering; barbed with regrets and heavy with the keen sting of memories.

Behind his eyelids bullets ripped through a dusty trenchcoat. A familiar voice admonished him; he was almost out of minutes. The cool press of fingertips brushed against his forehead. The silver streak of an angel blade caught the light. A fist collided with his jaw with a sickening crunch. A huff of involuntary laughter escaped from reluctant lips. Stubble scraped his cheek as he pulled the angel into a hug. Shades of blue crowded his vision - the garish blue of a crappy general store tabard, the endless blue of the morning sky as he wrestled his way out of his own grave, the untamed blue of angel grace, humming with raw energy. And best of all, the solemn blue of that unflinching gaze. There was a discarded cowboy hat on the backseat of the Impala. A game of Sorry pushed across a table and into his hands. A shitty four door saloon the colour of middle-aged misery.

And the brand of salvation burning on his skin - the Righteous Man, touched by an angel. The same handprint that now stained his jacket bloody.

As hard as he tried, all he could do was remember as shuddering breaths turned to wracking sobs.

*

Whatever this thing was, it had marked him. Searing it’s own handprint into the flesh of his shoulder, staking its claim.

Dean couldn’t help but feel... violated.

He looked like a walking advertisement for one of those crappy tourist spots: take nothing but photos, leave nothing but footprints but in his case it read: take nothing but liberties, leave nothing but handprints

He ran a tentative finger over the raised flesh and hissed at the contact. It felt raw, like a burn; still stinging and angry.

He glared at it, hoping the sheer force of his loathing would somehow dissolve it. But it remained, stubborn and resolute.

It looked human. That was the worst thing. To think there was something out there - something monstrous - masquerading in the body of an innocent person... And with enough power to pull him from the pit.

That thought alone was enough to chill the blood in his veins.

And what did that mean for him? He bore its signature on his skin after all. Did that mark him as it’s property?

He belonged to no man. And no monster.

He would rather spend a lifetime in Hell.

*

Getting up off the floor had been the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. Turning his back on the last place he’d seen Cas near impossible.

What if, by some miracle, he came back? He deserved to know Dean had waited. After all, Cas was the only one he’d ever really had any faith in.

But Dean had given up on miracles long ago.

He let his phone ring out again and again; the sound too harsh in the grief-stricken silence. What if he never answered? What if he let Sam believe he was dead? Cas too. Because in reality, he felt as good as.

*

When she saw the mark on his shoulder, her eyes widened a fraction, her mouth parting in what Dean recognised as wonder.

Dean Winchester is saved.

The words came back to him as she aligned her palm with the echo of Castiel’s, caressing the raised skin with a gentle touch.

Something about the contact made him feel nauseous. Even though they were pressed together, not a breath between their bodies, he felt as though she had dug her nails into an open wound. A shudder of revulsion ran down his spine. He suppressed the urge to shake her off, instead drawing her attention away with a searing kiss.

The feeling of unease was harder to dislodge.

The mark itself no longer bothered him; it had faded somewhat and by the time Pamela used it to make contact with Castiel it hadn’t so much as tingled. This sudden display of hostility triggered by Anna’s touch unnerved him.

Maybe it was because she was an angel. Maybe it could sense her power, reacting with whatever traces of energy Castiel had left behind.

Or maybe it was something subconscious in Dean; something he didn’t want to acknowledge - couldn’t acknowledge - for fear of what that might mean.

But he couldn’t outrun the truth.

He noticed how Castiel turned away when Anna leaned in to kiss him goodbye. Thought he saw a flicker of jealousy contort his features. But only for a split second.

And once again that involuntary feeling of distaste rose up inside him, rearing it’s head, demanding to be heard.

And this time he listened.

And this time he recognised the ceaseless lament of his guilt.

*

Every cell in his body screamed in protest as he staggered out of the bunker. Every step a monumental effort. It was as though The Empty had created a vacuum when it had taken Castiel, and now it threatened to drag him into the same darkness.

He was exhausted; more than once he had to fight the urge to lay down and never get back up. But he knew he couldn’t.

He had to get to Sam, had to confront Chuck and demand he bring Cas back. He pinned all his hopes on it. Because if Chuck - Lord God Almighty himself - couldn’t bust Cas out of The Empty, what hope did he have of doing it himself?

So he dragged himself behind the wheel of the Impala and tried to ignore how normal it felt to sit there, as if he were just heading out on another case. As if the whole world hadn’t shattered apart and been clumsily glued back together in a matter of heartbeats.

He refused to look over at the passenger seat, refused to acknowledge the empty space beside him. Castiel had occupied that space just a few hours ago.

Could that be right? Had it only been a few hours since they’d made the journey to Lebanon, their silence weighted with shared worry yet still companionable? How had he lost so much in so little time?

*

Castiel arrived in the nick of time.

Zachariah had been gearing up to do some serious damage. He might not have been able to kill Dean on account of his status as Michael’s Vessel but he could still make him suffer. And Dean knew he had riled him. But nothing, not even the threat of what was to come would induce him to say yes. Zachariah had simply given him an advantage, a roadmap of what not to do to. He wouldn’t end up a cold, callous, merciless soldier like his future self. He wouldn’t. He refused to believe there would ever come a day when he would willingly sacrifice his friends and family - his fellow comrades - no matter what Heaven or Hell put in front of him. He would rather die than live to see himself become so despicable.

“That’s pretty nice timing Cas.”

“We had an appointment.”

His answer was so matter of fact, so practical, that Dean couldn’t help the smile that broke over his face. It implied that Dean could’ve been minutes away from death or simply completing the crossword and Castiel still would’ve come for him at that exact moment. But there was something coy about the set of his features, something like amusement twitching at the corner of his mouth.

Dean was under no illusion that, somehow, Cas had sensed he was in danger and, despite his apparent ignorance, had slipped in and taken Dean while Zachariah’s back was turned. It was crafty, calculated, almost petty in its brilliance.

And now Castiel stood looking at him, ready to talk, to plan their next move, without even a hint of expectation in his gaze.

He didn’t boast or demand gratitude. He didn’t want Dean’s thanks; he just wanted to be included.

The realisation hit Dean all at once, Castiel’s own words coming back to him as he considered how the balance between them had shifted.

You don’t think you deserve to be saved.

But Cas had saved him. Had been trying to save him for a while now but Dean had just been too blind to see it. When he had freed him from Hell he had been following orders but now, he had simply taken it upon himself to remove Dean from trouble’s path.

Against all odds and the interests of Heaven, an angel had his back.

Dean took a step forward and, placing a hand on Castiel’s shoulder, he said, “Don’t ever change.”

What he meant to say was: Don’t ever change back. Don’t ever serve the interests of others when you know in you’re heart they’re wrong. Don’t ever become unreachable, unknowable. Don’t ever stop being the angel on my shoulder because without you, I’d die.

There was so much he had meant to say but the words died on his lips. He hoped that Cas understood just from the look in his eyes, the force in his tone, the significance of that hand on his shoulder.

Dean knew that he didn’t always tolerate human contact but Castiel didn’t shrug him off. He allowed Dean to grip his arm, the fabric of the trenchcoat screwed up under his fingers. For a minute Dean held on and when he finally drew away, he half expected to see the shape of his palm imprinted there, just as Castiel’s handprint adorned his own shoulder.

*

He drove on autopilot, trusting his body to react accordingly; his mind was otherwise consumed by bittersweet memories that made his throat ache and his eyes sting.

He replayed every journey they’d ever made together, nothing but open road before them and unsaid words between them.

You changed me Dean.

His tears ran hot, spilling down his cheeks and splashing into his lap.

Dean had immediately recognised the truth in Cas’ words, but they still reverberated through him like the tremors of a distant earthquake. Letting himself consider the possibility that he, an insignificant stain on the Earth’s crust, had changed Castiel, a centuries old celestial warrior, was incomprehensible.

It was like... staring into the sun.

The more he told himself not to, the more he became blinded by its glare. Dean wanted to squint whenever he looked at it, shield his eyes from its radiant sincerity.

Because he had known it this whole time. Known and never admitted it to himself.

He had witnessed firsthand Castiel’s transformation from a finely tuned, emotionless instrument to a discordant orchestra of empathy and feeling and not once had he suggested it was his own influence that had inspired such a change.

Because how could he have inspired such honesty and compassion, gentle humour and tenderness? He was stubborn and defensive, worn down by years of trauma and still so full of anger.

But he was wrong.

Of course he was wrong.

I cared about the whole world because of you.

It felt too big to accept so readily and yet... Dean remembered the first time he’d made Cas laugh, the first time he’d heard doubt creep into his voice, the first time his cheeks had flushed with embarrassment, his eyes had filled with sorrow, his shoulders had sagged with relief. He remembered it all and he remembered his own despair, his exhaustion, his cocky bravado. He had begged and reasoned and joked with reckless abandon. He had unwittingly smothered Cas with his humanity and instead of suffocating, Castiel had simply taken a deep breath, filling his lungs with every human emotion they’d ever dared to beat out of him.

*

His body felt beaten, his mind battered and broken.

Sam didn’t even have to ask as he forced himself out of the car to meet his younger brother’s eyes.

Understanding glimmered there. He might not know the details but Sam recognised the same heartsick anguish that gripped his own soul. The same bone-deep weariness that had settled over him ever since discovering Eileen was gone.

They had lost everything. Everyone.

Details would come later; coaxing out the truth one shot of whiskey at a time. Although, looking at the state of his brother, Sam wondered whether it wouldn’t take several bottles.

*

Dean took another pull on his beer.

He couldn’t understand why he’d done it. Maybe he hadn’t meant to. But sure enough it was gone. Every day the past slipped further and further away, fading as quickly as dreams but still he couldn’t help but reach for those memories.

There was barely anything left to remind him. Sam was... Well, Dean found it hard to think about Sam. And Cas... Dean hadn’t seen or heard from him in almost a year. He was starting to think Cas had removed the mark on purpose; some deluded attempt at helping Dean forget. Perhaps he thought it was a mercy.

But Dean didn’t want to forget. Not if it meant forgetting what it felt like to belong.

Once again he found himself in front of the mirror, beer on the counter, sleeve rolled up, his own hand pressed to the place where Castiel’s had once been.

He could hear Lisa moving around downstairs, glasses clinking, Ben’s laughter loud and jubilant out in the yard. He shouldn’t be here. Not again. Not today. He should be down there manning the barbecue, joking and celebrating with his family.

But he couldn’t seem to tear himself away. There was nothing to see and yet he kept on searching.

Mary had always said that angels were watching over him but his angel had abandoned him, leaving no trace behind.

Dean’s grip tightened, nails digging into his flesh. He relished the pain but it was not enough.

*

“You’ve got to bring him back.”

He’d ground out the words with deliberate force, still reluctant to admit Cas was gone, to admit that he alone couldn’t save him.

But Chuck had merely shrugged off their surrender. Apparently he was happy to simply watch them flounder. With no one left to fight for and no monsters left to fight, the brothers would be effectively made redundant. Just Sam and Dean and an eternity of suffering stretching out before them. How could that be the end?

In Dean’s opinion it was shitty, lazy writing. Surely Chuck would grow tired of their struggle soon enough and then what?

Stripping him of his power, his divinity, his immortality had been deeply satisfying. Dean relished the moment he turned his back on him, refusing to expend the effort it would take to kill him. That was, after all, not who he was. Not anymore.

For the first time in his life, he was going to carve his own path - without destiny or prophecy or some omniscient douchebag shoving him around on the chess board.

The thought terrified him. Did he even know how to live a life when his every movement wasn’t being dictated by someone else?

He supposed his first move would be the obvious one. But it was the only one he really wanted to make. With Jack taking on the role of God, his task of liberating Cas from The Empty seemed fractionally less intimidating. They would find a way.

Dean swore to himself that no matter how long it took, no matter the lengths he would have to go to, he would see Castiel again. And when he did, he intended to drag him out of the darkness and cover his soul with his handprints.

[wormstacheangel]

Almost: Ch9 Epilogue

Summary: Castiel was moving on with his life. He is engaged to a man who loves him and has a semi-relationship with his family. Then his father dies and Cas has to go back to his hometown. It's fine. It's not like he would bump into the man he loved on his first day back and realize that - oh shit! He still loves him! Now what?

Note: This is all in Cas's POV so you will read some Cas/Mick stuff but don't worry it's still the happy ending we all wanted :)

Read the completed story on AO3 link (maybe leave a nice comment)

Word Count: 6063 More Under the Cut

Cas kicks the front door of his childhood home closed and drops back against it with a huff. He drops his head back and bangs his head against the hardwood for a few seconds before he hears steps walking towards him. He opens his eyes and sees it was Michael who was striding forward, a curious glare fixed upon him before he raised his eyebrows.

“Was that the hick’s car, Castiel?” Cas rolled his eyes as he pushed off the door and walked to shove the bags into Michael’s chest. He only laughed in response as he took the bags and ignored Cas’s shoulder shove. “You’ve only been here for one day and you’re already crawling back to those Winchester’s again.”

“I don’t see how that concerns you, Mike.” Cas didn’t look behind him as he walked up the stairs to his old bedroom. He needed to lie down.

“Well, Mick went out with Gabriel to go pick you up. Do you know Mick? The man you agreed to marry?”

Cas sighed as he gripped the stair banister before he turned to glare back at his older brother. “I know very well who I am engaged to. Thank you.”

Michael shrugged, a smirk on his face as he started to walk away. Cas tightens his hold on the banister as he fights his instinct to at least throw his shoe at his cocky brother. “Just didn’t want you to forget. Mick is a good man.”

“You mean because he comes from a good family?” Cas caught himself making air quotes again and quickly put his hands deep in his pockets.

“Exactly.” Michael disappeared around the corner and into the kitchen.

“You’re an ass! You know that!” The only response was a laugh and Cas stomped his way back up the stairs.

He’s almost 30! He should not be bullied by his older brothers but here he was. Slamming his bedroom door shut and quickly jumping into his old bed like good ol’ days. He laid on his back and stared up at the ceiling as he hugged a pillow to his chest.

Dean kissed him. He kissed Dean.

Cas’s fingers hovered over his lips as he sucked in a breath before he screamed into his pillow.

What the hell was he thinking kissing him? Fuck, it was good. It was so good. His heart hasn’t stopped racing since getting out of the car.

How many times has he just imagined being back in that car since he left? He hasn’t thought about it in a while but all those feelings just rushed him as soon as he saw Dean. In his stupid cute work overalls too! Messy hair and...No!

“Nope.” Cas sat up and patted his chest as if that would calm his heart up. “Stop. Stop.”

‘He’s already married, Castiel’ He thinks to himself before he pulls off his gloves to look upon his engagement ring.

They both moved on. Yeah. Yeah, so what if Dean says he loved him way back when? So what if Dean fucking Winchester just made out with him? Cas wasn’t going to break up a family just because he wants to kiss the guy.

‘Yeah! That’s it. It’s just the sexual tension.’ Cas tells himself as he lets out a shaky breath.

“Castiel?” Cas looks up as his door begins to open and Mick poked his head in. “Hey, sweetheart, did you actually walk all the way home?”

He closed the door behind him and walked to sit on the bed with Cas. His gentle fingers started to run through his hair and calm Cas’s mind. Yeah. he’s moved on. He shouldn't worry about it anymore. He has Mick now.

“Are you okay?” He hears Mick quietly ask before he leaves a small kiss on his temple. Cas melts into it.

“Yeah.” Cas sighed as he smiled at him. Thankfully Mick wasn’t the best at reading him so the guilt was easily hidden away. “I’m just tired.”

“You wanna head back to the hotel? You can nap there while I finish some work.”

Cas nodded a few times. Yeah, he shouldn't stay in his old room where most of the things in here were Dean’s. But there was something he had to do first.

Cas grabbed Mick’s face and kissed him. His fiance was shocked by the sudden kiss because that’s not who they are. Mick was so gentle with him. He was patient and waited for him even after two years of just being friends because Cas didn’t want to date anyone who was friends with his older brothers but Mick wasn’t anything like them. He was nice. He was kind.

And Cas hates himself for making excuses about why Dean’s kiss was better. It was because there was desperation. There was tension there. They haven't seen each other in years, of course, it’ll be hot but...this - with Mick - was nice .

When he pulled away Mick blinked at him a couple of times with blushed cheeks. “Wow. What was that for?”

Cas just shrugged. “I just missed you today. You’ve been with Gabriel all day.”

Mick nuzzled his nose against Cas’s own as he left a small peck on his lips. “Then I promise to be gone more often.”

“You better not.” Cas smiled and kissed the side of his mouth before he stood. “Come on. I wanna leave before Mike sends me another errand run.”

Mick wraps his arms around Cas’s waist as they start to walk out the door, his lips leaving little kisses at the back of his neck that did make his heart race. Cas loves him. There is no doubt about that or about Mick’s love for him so he shouldn’t think about Dean again.

He hasn’t done so in years! So it should be easy to push him deep into his mind again.

It’s not like those green eyes and cute little smirk has any effect on him. Nope.

They walked down the stairs and to the kitchen where all the noise was coming from. He walked in to see - with no surprise - Mike and Luci arguing about something that Raphael probably said. Judging by that sly leer he had across his face. Gabriel was in the middle trying to calm them down while Anna was nowhere to be found again.

“We’re leaving!” Castiel calls out over their screams. As soon as he had their attention he cleared his throat as he lowered his voice. “We will see you at the funeral tomorrow.”

“Wait. Castiel?” Cas froze - a damn chill went up his spine - when Michael called out for him. “Are you going to need a ride?”

Oh. He was being nice. “Um, no. Mick rented a car.”

“Oh good!” Michael walked over to him and there was a flash of something malicious on his face. Fuck, he fell into a trap. “I could have called Dean for you.”

Cas could feel his ears heat up. “That won’t be necessary.” He hissed between his teeth.

“You sure, Cassie?” Luci - of course piggybacking from Michael - walked to tower over him.

Cas turned towards Mick. “How about you go and warm up the car and I’ll be out in a few?”

Mick squeezed his hand but nodded. He wished everyone goodnight and it wasn’t until they all heard the front door slam closed that were all screaming at each other.

“I said mind your own fucking business, Michael! Just because you are divorced that does not mean you have to make all of us sad and single!” Castiel shoves at his brother.

Gabriel was quick to step between them when Mike lifted his arm to lay a punch on him. He instantly calmed down when Gabe pushed him back. “Okay! We’re stopping this! Do you think Dad would want us to show up to a public event bruised up?”

No. It wasn’t ‘Do you think Dad would want us fighting?’ because they were all always fighting. It was all his family did. It was all his father did.  As long as their image to the outside world is fine then they can cut each other’s throat all they want.

They all immediately backed away from each other.

“Fine.” Mike fixed his tie. “It’s not like we’re going to see that Winchester again.”

“He’s going to the funeral.” Cas turned to walk away not caring enough to see their expressions. “And you better not fucking bother him or his family tomorrow!” Cas opened the front door. “Goodbye!”

-

‘So we’re not going to be adults about this.’ Cas thought as he watched Dean and his family walk away.

He felt Mick kiss his cheek as he squeezed him closer. “So that’s Dean. He seems... nice .”

Cas heard something off in his voice and he felt that annoyance bubble in him but he cleared his throat, shaking his head, before letting it rest down on Mick’s shoulder. He knows he was just getting too protective of Dean, the same feeling he has always felt since meeting him at 14 years old.

“He is.” Cas can hear the stiffness in his voice. “Um, you go sit down. I’m gonna go look for Gabriel.”

“You sure?” Mick gently tilts his head so Cas had to look at him. “You look a little shaken up.”

Mick leans in to give him a kiss but Cas ducks his head. His lips pressing against his hair. “I’m fine. Nobody here really misses my Dad.” Cas chuckles, it was cold and that only made Mick look at him with rounder eyes. “Save me a seat, okay?”

Mick’s only response was a stiff nod while Cas leaves the entrance to walk to the back offices where his siblings have been hiding the whole time. None of them wanted to go speak to their extended family but instead, they found it more important to practice their speeches for when they had to go up and pretend to be a perfect child to the perfect father. Cas was quick to deny making a speech along with Gabriel.

“The place is as full as it could be.” Cas announced as he walked in, dropping a kiss on Anna’s cheek when he saw her. “Where have you been?”

“The further I am from all of you the more I feel like I keep my brain cells.” She quickly and easily answered.

“Fair enough.” Cas smiled back at her before he went to sit beside Gabriel.

“Not a dry eye in the house I assume.” Raphael comments and they all chuckled. It was dry and humorless. The air was still calm around them. Nobody has raised their voice all day. Maybe their father’s death hitting them differently. They weren’t sad. No. It almost felt like they were all disappointed.

Maybe all for different reasons.

Cas was sure disappointed that the man decided to die before they could work things out. But of course, Chuck’s anger would take a hold of his heart and end up killing him. Kinda left Cas feeling stupid for even caring about him but tears have not shed.

Not from the guest. Not from his siblings. Not from him.

Cas spent the rest of the funeral sitting beside Mick trying not to roll his eyes at the melodramatic way his siblings were all acting.

When the whole thing was over Cas sent Mick to their house because he wasn’t allowed to the burial per their father’s request. His siblings were already gone to wait in their cars but Cas stayed behind to make sure everything was running smoothly.

“We’re ready to take your father to the car.” A funeral service worker told him and Cas was ready to just nod and let him get on with it but something stopped him.

“Um, can you give me a few minutes?” Castiel asked him but didn’t wait for a response, not wanting to see the pity in his eyes cause that’s not what he deserved.

Cas walked over to the casket knowing he didn’t miss his father. No. He missed the father who he wished he had. A father who rarely showed himself to him. In birthday letters with money inside, even after he moved away and was cut off. In random books being delivered to his door all year round by someone unknown but knowing it was his father because the book was used with little notes written on the margins and the bookmark was still between the pages. A leaf or another piece of trash stuck between them.

He didn’t understand his father but he… but he really fucking wished he had more time to do so.

“Cas?” He heard his name being called and he turned just slightly to see who the faraway voice belonged to. Oh. Dean.

Next thing Cas knew, his face was being gently cradled in Dean’s big rough hands. Eyes soft and warm as he stared back at him. Cas thought that he was okay but then he heard Dean ask, “Hey. Hey, Cas, it’s okay.”

And that’s when Cas realized that it wasn’t. No. He wasn’t okay. This whole situation wasn’t okay.

And Dean let him cry. He let him cry and didn’t mock him for feeling anything but anger towards his father. Dean held him and heard him. He understood. Like he always has.

And he’s gonna see him later.

Before going back to face his siblings Cas quickly goes to the bathroom to splash water on his face. He can’t look like he was crying. His brothers will give him no mercy.

-

The house was filled to the brim but Sam was easy enough to spot. He was with Charlie and Balthazar in the backyard. There was a big group of them laughing over something but Cas didn’t see Dean in the crowd.

He didn’t know what switched in his head but as soon as the burial was over and Cas got in his car he couldn’t wait to go home. To see Dean. To be in his arms and just be held. He knows it’s wrong. He knows but a hug is nothing but innocent.

“Sam,” Cas pulls at Sam’s arm. “Where’s your brother?”

“Oh, um,” Sam looked over the crowd and was about to shrug with a small pout when Charlie grabbed his attention.

“He went upstairs. Said he wanted some peace and quiet.” She tells him and Cas smiles a thank you to them before quickly walking over.

He took the steps two at a time knowing where Dean would be. The only place Dean would feel comfortable in this entire house.

As soon as he opened his bedroom door and saw Dean - looking beautiful and bright - he felt relief crash over him like a beach wave.

“Dean.” He wasn’t sure if he said his name out loud but he could feel the tremble on his lower lip when he spoke it.

Cas could feel the heavyweight on his shoulders lift away just by the sight of his old best friend. He knew these were all dangerous feelings but if he made enough excuses for them then it was okay. It was okay if he felt like he was floating when he finally made his way to Dean and then their bodies were pressed against each other.

Cas clung to his warmth, breathing in his scent of motor oil and cologne that lingered on his skin. He heard a giggle that shook through his chest and realized it was his.

Wow. He really wanted this. Needed this. Dean.

“I didn’t think you were going to come.” He heard himself admit. And the truth hits him as well. He figured Dean would be angry with him. For him to be as dead to Dean as his father was but no. No, Dean was kind.

He said he loved Cas way back then. He kissed him back. Held him as he has always dreamt of being held by Dean but...but-

“Wow! Am I getting one of those hugs too, sweetheart?”

Mick .

Cas can feel his body stiffen and go cold because he has been caught. Oh, it’s gonna become a talk. He already knew it.  

What can he say this time?

That he couldn’t feel like he could breathe until he was in Dean’s arms? Wait - Cas turned to look at his fiance smiling at him. Yeah, he was a little mad. The strain in his eyes was clearly visible. Then Cas turned to look at Dean and before he could ask Dean answered his silent question.

Of course, he would understand.

Then before he said goodbye to Dean he had to give him his number. He dug through his drawers and ripped a piece from an old notebook to write his number. Then he drew a happy face to reassure Dean that he can call him. Text him. Just talk to him.

The kiss he left on Dean’s cheek was just as unexpected to him as it was to Dean. But his lips tingle the whole night.

Even when Mick lectured him about getting close with Dean again. He started to feel guilt eat at him when he kissed Mick to reassure him but his mind flew to Dean. And he knew - fuck he knew- he was screwed.

-

Dean sent a heart. A heart!

Cas's own heart threatened to leap out of his chest but before he could respond Mick walked back into the room. In nothing more than pajama bottoms and a towel over his head.

“Why are you smiling like that?” Mick crawled over to him and pressed a kiss at the base of his neck.

“Well, now I’m looking at just you.” Cas turned his phone off and wrapped his arms around his fiance. “You had a good shower?”

“Would have been better with you.” He kissed him and Cas laughed before kissing him back.

“Too tired.” Cas told him as he nuzzled his nose against Mick’s skin. “Distract me? A lot...a lot happened today.”

“Sure, sweetheart.”

And they got comfortable and talked all through the night. Passing out over the covers.

Cas’s last words before he fell asleep were, “You know I love you, right?”

“I know.” He kissed the top of Cas’s head.

Cas decided he’ll delete the conversation in the morning. That his dumb crush on Dean was not worth losing this. Losing Mick.

-

Cas didn’t think he would end up bruised and beaten by the hands of his brothers again. No. He figured the will reading will be as calm as the funeral and the burial but as soon as the lawyer told them that Dean was getting most of the money he should have known. He should have protected him better.

Dean dragged Cas to the bathroom after everything was over. Throughout the whole reading he kept fussing over him and as much as he loved Dean’s gentle touches - and he kept burning him with them - he was getting annoyed because his brothers kept glaring at them.

“You’re so stupid. You shouldn't have hit him back. You dumb fucking hothead.” Cas was leaning against the sink as Dean wiped his eye where it stung with blood. “Stand still!”

“No! It hurts, asshole!”

“Don’t be a baby.”

Cas rolled his eyes but tried not to twitch his face as Dean cleans him up.

“There you two are!” They heard Bobby call out to them and walk into the bathroom to give them a few bandaids and one ice pack. “You two head out. I’m gonna get a ride with Gabriel. Still got a few things to get through here and I don’t want your dramatic dumbasses getting me kicked out.”

So they left and Cas was too frustrated to do anything but listen to the familiar music. Feel the familiar vibration of the engine underneath him and just feel at peace once again. Feeling like finally - fucking finally - he was where he belonged.

So when the music started to end he got nervous. He didn’t want to leave this car just yet. He can’t handle the real world right now. Everything is different now. He had no money now. His siblings were mad at him for once again picking Dean over them. Because he always had.

Fuck, he was glad Mick wasn’t making him choose because he was afraid he'd know the answer.

If he can just have Dean next to him. Like this. As a friend and nothing more. Then he can live like that.

But now, one second he was laughing and the next Dean's face was practically on his. Heavy breaths mixing and their body heat warming the car even more.

He was gonna kiss him! Dean was going to kiss him again! No. No. He’s married! He has someone and Cas has someone! No. Fuck his stomach hurts but his eyes were closing.

Cas hummed in response to Dean calling his name. His head couldn’t take it anymore. He wanted Dean to just call his name from now on. Wanted Dean to be his. Wanted Dean.

But Dean won’t kiss him. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me!

He was holding him so desperately but Dean was still hesitant. And Cas wasn’t willing to close the gap because Dean kissing him was different than Cas kissing him. But he wanted him again.

“Dean.” Gosh, he sounded so pathetic. Like he was praying to him.

He moved a little closer and accidentally brushed their lips together and Cas knew he couldn’t wait any longer. His whole body heated up at the slight brush. Then Dean made a whimpering noise and Cas’s whole mind went blank.

Did...Did Dean sound like that? He wanted to hear more.

Cas couldn’t think of the damn consequences anymore. He didn’t care when he could have Dean right now. He was pathetic and crumbling right in front of Dean.

Then a loud bang flipped the switch back on in his head and made Cas jump away from Dean’s touch.

No. No. No.

Cas turned to see Mick standing outside the door and he didn’t think of Dean as he scrambled out of the car to see his fiance’s heartbroken expression. Anger was already there but then it faded to concern.

“Can we talk inside?” Cas could hear his shaking voice but Mick took his hand to lead him away from the car.

Away from the closest he has ever felt to home. Where he felt like he belonged. In that car. Sitting passenger side with Dean Winchester beside him.

Now Cas was sitting at the edge of his bed watching his fiance pace in front of him. Quietly fuming because Mick was nothing like Castiel.

Mick doesn’t yell. Mick doesn’t throw punches. Mick doesn’t fight. He’s patient and kind and that’s why Cas fell in love with him in the first place.

But right now Cas wished he would yell at him. Fight for them.

“So, what? Are you just going to...what?” Mick asked because of course, he wanted to know what Cas wanted. “Do you want to break up?”

Cas let the tears burn his eyes as he looked down at the ground with a heavy shrug. “I don’t deserve you, Mick. I always knew that.”

“That’s not what I’m asking.” Mick took Cas’s face in his hands and it was soft. “I’m asking you what you want. Do you want me?”

Cas nodded as he reached to grip Mick’s shirt with his bruised hands.

Then Mick sucked in a shaky breath before he said the most surprising thing. “Then that’s all I need to know.”

Cas blinked up at him. “But...but-”

“If you still want me then I’m here for you, Castiel.”

“Why? Why are you...Why are you being nice to me? You should be mad! Fuck, I’m mad!” Cas gripped at him and pulled him forward until Mick was sitting practically on Cas’s lap. “I almost kissed - I kissed someone else!”

“I knew it would be hard for you to see Dean again. You loved him. He’s the reason why you kept breaking up with me in the beginning. He was...he was your first love.”

“Stop being so nice.”

“No. You deserve nice.” Mick wrapped him in a hug as Cas hid his face into Mick’s shoulder. “I love you, Castiel. And I know you love me. Maybe...maybe tomorrow we can finish the paperwork and head home.”

Home . No, he’s not going home but it’s as close as he’ll get.

Cas doesn’t say another word. He only cries while Mick holds him.

-

“We can just leave. You don’t have to say goodbye to him, Castiel.” Mick brushed his fingers on Cas’s cheek to reassure him.

“I can’t do that to him again, Mick. But you’re right. I’m just gonna say goodbye and it’s gonna be a fresh start for us. No more Dean. He has a life and family to think about and I have mine.”

“Yes.”

“Don’t want to be a homewrecker.” Cas laughed, it was cold again.

“Castiel.”

“I’m fine. Let’s go.”

-

“Castiel,” Mick huffed as Sam finally dropped his arm around him. “Your friend wasn’t letting me through. Are you ready to go home?”

Home .

Cas twirled his engagement ring in his finger and he let out a shaky laugh because he was about to make the biggest mistake of his life. Again.

“I am home, Mick.” Cas sighed as he finally felt like he could say what he wanted. He was free, to be honest with himself and with everyone else. “I’m sorry.”

Mick’s face drops and Cas wants to take him in his arms but he stops himself.

“So,” Mick cleared his throat. Eyes watering as he looked Cas over. “You’re staying?”

Cas nodded before he slipped the ring off his finger and gave it back to him. Closing Mick’s palm over the beautiful metal ring.

“I love you.” Mick tells him, so quietly and broken that Cas's own heart calls out to him.

“Me too.”

“But it’s not enough?”

“I’m sorry. I just… I love him more. I always have.”

“I know.” He says it so quietly while he stuffs the ring in his pocket. He sniffles just a little and then Sam was patting Mick’s back.

“Um, Sam?” Sam turns to awkwardly look at Cas. “Take care of him? I’m just gonna go-”

“Sure, man.” Sam smiled with his lips pressed together.

“Don’t worry, McDreamy, we’ll take care of your um...Mick here!” Charlie winked at him and Cas thanked them before he quickly went back to Dean.

Went back home.

-

Cas knew this morning was different. He could feel it in his bones and by the way, his skin warmed against the rising sunbeams that shined through the window. Today was a new day. A new start.

Starting with the new person - old friend but new future - who was heavily draped on top of him. And not to mention drooling on his chest.

Cas rubbed his eyes, slowly moving as to not wake up the sleeping Dean, to admire his new - they haven’t gone through specifics but Cas would like to say - boyfriend. He won’t say it out loud. Not until Dean mentions it but he would think it.

Mick was never much of a cuddler. They slept on their side of the bed and that was always okay with Cas. Especially when he got a whole blanket to himself but with Dean, he really didn’t need a blanket. His body heat was enough to keep him warm through the night.

They must have fallen asleep talking last night - well they were doing more than talking but talking took priority - as they were still in their clothes from the day before. Cas just realized that he’ll have to face Mick to get his stuff from their apartment in California. He starts to make a list of things he wanted and if it was even worth the hassle or he could let Mick just throw it away.

But he wanted his books.

“A little higher.” Dean hummed in his sleep, nuzzling his face into Cas’s chest with a sleepy grin, and Cas looked down to realize that he absentmindedly started to rake his fingers through Dean’s hair. Cas did what he was told with a happy grin and watched as Dean threw a leg in between Cas’s own to cling tighter around him. “That’s the stuff.”

Cas couldn’t help the silent chuckle that shook through him and the blush that rose when Dean pressed a kiss to his chest.

“Are you awake now?” Cas used his free hand to run down Dean’s back. “I kinda wanna shower and change out of-”

“No.” Dean clung to him more. Like a stubborn child and man, how could Cas ever believe he could live without him. “Sleep still.”

“Dean, you have a meeting to go to. And I would like to pick up my inheritance as well.”

Dean sighed and pushed himself a little higher so he could look down at Cas with a grumpy pout. “Do you only want me for my money now?”

“Of course. I’m poor now and I need you to take care of me.” Cas grinned up at him as Dean rolled his eyes but slowly leaned down for a kiss. Almost as if checking to see if it was still okay. If it was the right thing to do but Cas stretched his neck up to close the gap between them.

Kissing Dean first thing in the morning is in Cas’s to-do list for the rest of his existence.

A few sleepy kisses, a lot of soft laughter, and an awkward toy left in the shower later they were finally dressed and ready for the day. Luckily, Charlie was kind enough to bring Cas’s suitcase back to him so he had some of his clothes at least.

“You look too nice, too fucking proper, to walk around with me.” Dean commented as they walked down to the car hand in hand. Maybe they were both blushing too but Cas is trying to ignore that part.

“I don’t even know what that means.” Cas rolled his eyes as he leaned into Dean’s shoulder. “I like what you’re wearing. You look...um shit - nice.”

“I look shit nice?” Dean raised an eyebrow at him as Cas cleared his throat.

“Well, if you must know I was thinking that you look hot as fuck, like a dumb lumberjack but I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to say that shit yet.” Cas didn’t dare turn to meet Dean’s grinning - stupidly teasing - expression.

“You think I’m dumb?” Dean teased and Cas had to fight back a groan because he knew what was coming out of his mouth next. “Cause If I remember correctly-”

“Dean.”

“I’m pretty sure I got the higher grades between the both of us.”

“Dean.”

“And the higher GPA!”

“I can’t believe I chose to deal with this for the rest of my life.” Dean stopped short and Cas looked at him confused. “What? Did you forget your keys?”

Dean’s expression softened as he carefully reached to cradle the back of Cas’s neck and leave a soft kiss. “I can’t wait to deal with you for the rest of my life too.”

“Oh.” Cas felt himself grin as his body shivered in anticipation for the next kiss Dean gave him. Yeah, he loved this man so much it ached.

Of course, dealing with his siblings wasn’t going to be easy. Especially when they were all pro-Mick and anti-Dean. Now more than ever. But Dean went with him to pick up his inheritance from the family house and even pack up his room because Michael got the house and he was sure he wanted everyone out.

“You sure you want to do this right now while everyone is home?” Dean asked as he followed behind Cas. “We couldn’t wait until like a week later?”

“No. I’m afraid they will destroy my books.” It’s all he had of his fucked up father and he wasn’t going to lose them.

Cas didn’t even bother knocking as he unlocked the door and marched right in. He was going to go straight to the study when he heard his name being called.

“Gabriel.” Cas sighed in relief. “I’m...I’m just here-”

“Mick called.” Gabriel started as he stopped a few steps away from them. Cas couldn’t read his brother's expression besides confusion but Cas was ready for whatever screaming match was about to happen. “He told us you ended things. What...What happened?”

Gabriel knew the answer already. Dean was standing right beside him, probably awkwardly scratching the back of his neck or twitching.

“I did.” Cas answered not saying anymore as he saw Gabriel’s anger slowly rise.

“Castiel! You can’t just-!”

“Gabriel, I didn’t come here to fight!”

“We are not fighting! We are discussing!” Gabriel turns his glare on Dean. “And what the hell is wrong with you?”

“Gabriel,” Cas warned.

“No! Tell me! Why does a married man want to ruin my little brother's life?! What the-the wife not doing it for you anymore?”

Dean shakes his head. “I’m not married.”

“What?” Gabriel blinks at him before looking at Cas for confirmation.

“Yeah, turns out he’s not actually married and Dad lied to me.”

“Shocker.” Dean and Cas both say at the same time.

Explaining to Gabriel was easy enough. Explaining it again when the rest of his siblings kept pouring in was...harder. Considering they are looking at the guy that took most of their Dad’s money. But in an odd turn of events, there was no yelling.

They talked. They asked questions and Cas learned that it wasn’t just him that lied to.

-

“Ah, there you are.” Cas looked up from where he was sitting in his father’s - nope now it was Michael’s - office and was greeted with a kiss. “You’re supposed to be packing.”

Cas held the book up at him. “I found another book where Dad left me notes to read.”

He closed the book with the same dried up lavender flowers that Chuck used.

“Can’t believe the books are all the old man left you.” Dean sat on Cas’s lap as soon as Cas put his book down. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and pressed his nose against Dean’s cheek before he kissed it.

“It’s the only thing we had in common. I’m not surprised.”

“Babe, you didn’t get the house. Didn’t get any money. Or the damn business. What did you get?”

“I got a rich boyfriend.” Cas grins at him and that makes his boyfriend laugh. Cas loves that laugh and relaxes at the sound of it. “And I get to read words my Dad never said out loud to me.”

“What did he say in this one?”

Cas spent a few minutes reading passages of his book to Dean with his father’s comments. Yes, they were both angry that his father lied to them and kept them apart but sometimes they just have to let the anger go. Chuck was gone. They were free now. They were together and they weren’t gonna waste another second with that ugly feeling.

Especially when he could make out with his boyfriend in his old office like a couple of sneaky teenagers.

“Hey!” They both quickly turned to the doorway to see Gabriel with Sam and Charlie grinning behind him. “I’m paying you to work! Not kiss!”

Sam looks down at Gabriel. “You’re paying them? What the hell, Gabriel?”

They walk away arguing while Cas turned to give Dean another kiss. “We should get back to work before Michael comes back. Just cause he likes you now doesn’t mean he will be any nicer.”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Dean got off of Cas’s lap and quickly helps him stand to pull Cas into his arms. “I love you.”

Cas holds him just as close. A smile on his lips as he stares at his beautiful boyfriend’s freckled face. In disbelief that he can finally say this. Finally, have this. Have him. “I love you.”

Dean kisses him softly before patting Cas’s ass - making Cas open his eyes mid-kiss and roll them - and pulling away. “Okay! Now let’s get your pretty books packed so we can head home!”

Yeah, Cas made the right decision.

[ilikebeesandflowers]

Finale? What finale?

That was just the Empty torturing a wayward gay angel... Here’s what really happened after Cas confessed his LOVE to Dean Winchester and was taken to Super Mega Hell...

Unedited, unproofread, unbeta’d- just pure, unadulterated, whiskey-and-rage-fueled fix-it fic. Ps, El Sol cerveza is the official beverage of fake-dream-worlds, and therefore the entire narrative of the finale is sus.

Love Lift Us Up (Where We Belong)

Cas slumbered, but fitfully. Oblivion plagued him with nightmares.

Some dreams replayed memories, even of memories that were not strictly his: one by one, everyone he loved torn apart at an atomic level, rent, poofed to dust. His sleeping self watched on a loop as Bobby, Charlie, Donna, nameless others fell, obliterated.

He saw Michael slay Lucifer, the foregone conclusion so many times delayed.

He saw Michael betray the Winchesters. But how? Why? Michael had changed, hadn’t he? Adam had changed him. Even asleep, Cas knew this to be true.

He watched Jack, his loving and beloved son, fulfilling the promise Kelly had known he held. Jack bringing peace to the world, restoring balance, returning all life on earth to its rightful places. Cas was certain that this dream was true. He felt Jack’s presence, unmistakable lightness and goodness and purity.

The Empty roiled violently, rippling the fabric of its realm.

The dreams changed again to nightmares.

Dean, alone. Sam, alone. Eileen, alone.

The hunters who had died were again whole and alive, walking the earth as if Chuck’s poisonous animosity had never snuffed them. And yet they were all isolated from one another. Oh, the younger children clung to their parents, but the parents drifted from one another.

Charlie, alone. Donna, alone. Claire, alone.

The loneliness of the hunters infected the denizens of the Empty, and the Empty smiled in its sleep.

Cas dreamed that he watched Dean dying, an ignominious death in a ramshackle barn. He felt a wave of revulsion, of jealousy, like he did in another barn, once upon a time, witnessing a kiss between Anna and Dean. What had he felt then, way back when, when feelings were still so new and frightening? Had he been in love then?

The scene repeated, again and again, a horrible parody of what should have been. A confession of love, two foreheads touching, hands held over Dean’s heart. The scene replayed a hundred, a thousand times, Cas viewing from the vantage of the beloved, but Cas never could see who received Dean’s love. He only knew it wasn’t him. He could only watch through someone else’s eyes, hearing and seeing and feeling with intense loathing what should have been his.

Then Dean was dead.

 The scene faded again. Cas saw Sam, living on, without Dean, without Jack, without Eileen, without hunters or hunting. In the space of a human heartbeat, he was married, raising a human child, a son. In another heartbeat, he was old, then dying, then greeting his brother in heaven.

He felt again a tug as if Jack were near. A faint glow.

Cas woke. Two amber eyes shone above him.

“Castiel,” said Jack, “something is wrong. I need your help.”

Cas scrambled to his feet. “The dreams? They were real?”

Jack couldn’t know what Cas had seen, and yet he shook his head and assured him that, no, those were the Empty playing tricks. “But reality is in danger. Heaven and Hell are out of balance. Heaven’s brightest are all here, when they should be up there. We’ll have to wake them.”

The Empty howled somewhere far off, something that sounded like, “Let me sleep!”

Jack stepped briskly in the inky blackness, tapping here and there, naming sleeping entities. “Hannah, you are needed. Duma, awaken. Gabriel. Michael. Raphael, your services are humbly requested.”

Soon, the din of awakened angels, archangels, seraphs, and reapers had summoned a furious cosmic entity of entropy and oblivion. “KEEP. IT. DOWN,” it hissed.

“And what will you do if we don’t?” Castiel asked, raising an eyebrow to the Empty, who stood before them in the guise of Meg Masters, circa 2009.

The Empty stamped its foot. “I took you in. You all died the death of immortals, a death that cannot be rewarded nor punished, but I took you in! And all I ask for is quiet!”

“But why?” Cas continued. “You despise us. Why do you trap us here?”

The Empty hesitated. “They dream,” it replied. “They dream, and so I dream.”

“We suffer nightmares of your making.”

“No-oo. The dreams are yours.”

“You enjoy the nightmares?”

“No.” The Empty faltered. “They wake me up. You stir, I stir; I must sleep!”

Jack spoke softly to the Empty. “Then expel them.”

“Expel them? What, just set them all free to commit chaos?”

“Just the dreamers.”

The Empty seemed to calculate the price of granting the nephilim’s wish. “That would be almost all of the angels and a number of powerful demons. They might return, clomping into my haven and disturbing my sleep.”

“No,” Castiel put in, his eyes lit with a wry smile. “If you expel them, they will be forever banned from your realm. They become subject to Purgatory, not Oblivion.”

Jack smiled at his father. “Exactly!” He turned again to the Empty. “So you’ll do it?” he asked brightly.

The Empty scowled. It nodded once, as if making a decision.

The world went white, then faded to reveal a sunny meadow. Roly-poly bumblebees flitted between fat heads of purple clover. A nest of chickadees chirped. Cicadas droned. A red kite soared above them, the string held by someone a long way off. Cas’ face softened, as if recalling a long-lost memory.

It hardened again as he sensed something amiss. “Jack,” he frowned, “the walls between the human heavens are failing.”

Jack nodded. “Yes, which is why we need more angelic energy. But watch.” He drew a small window in the air with his index finger. He pushed the cut-out, revealing an adjoining heaven belonging to a woman. Cas recognized her as the mother of the man with the kite. Her heaven contained a meadow: the same meadow that surrounded them, rather than the manicured lawn Cas knew from the man’s original heaven.

“They can co-exist,” he breathed.

“Yes. We can break these barriers and open Heaven. It doesn’t need to be a prison. We can fix it.” Jack grinned again, that same old smile he’d worn in life, when he learned the taste of nougat or the softness of a bunny rabbit.

The sight warmed Cas. The summer sky glowed just a bit brighter. “Tell me what to do, my son.”

***

For six days, as Heaven measures time, the angels, the archangels, and the nephilim worked. First, negotiating a truce with Hell and its imperious but righteous Queen, and then building a Heaven for all. On the seventh day, they rested from their labors. They gathered to watch the humans on earth for a little while. Almost no time had passed: the humans had had just enough time to recollect that they had watched their loved ones vanish; those unfamiliar with the supernatural had quickly forgotten the phenomenon, as well. The hunters in the warded hideout had had just enough time to embrace their newly un-vanished friends.

Sam was texting Eileen, only to remember that he still had her phone, abandoned on the sidewalk mid-text. He laughed at himself. “We have to drive to Eileen’s house.”

Dean lay hunched over the table, carving a word into the polished wood alongside the Winchester family initials. Thus far, it read, “CAST,” and he was just starting on the I. “Pack us up- I wanna finish this, but I can be ready in twenty.” They watched as he finished his tribute to Castiel. He put two fingers to his lips, then pressed the finger pads against the grooves.

Cas itched to know how Dean meant the gesture.

Dean hastily scratched the name “JACK” into the table, too. “You done good, kid,” he murmured, patting the letters as he might once have patted Jack on the shoulder.

The angels drifted back to their tasks. Cas stayed, watching his friends. His family. He followed their movements towards Eileen. He witnessed the tearful reunion.

Sam started sniffling long before Dean pulled up behind Eileen’s little red car. He stepped over the sidewalk, where he had first absorbed her death, and a sob escaped him. In a few strides of his long legs, he was at the door. His hand shook as he reached for the doorbell. The second phone in his pocket vibrated: her doorbell notification. How would she know that he was there? He clapped the knocker, stamped his feet.

The door opened. Eileen. A vision, a sight for even Cas’ sore eyes. Sam was overwhelmed. He croaked her name, and she was in his arms. Where she belonged.

Back at the curb, Dean turned his face from the lovers. He fiddled with his phone, but who could he call?

Cas heard Dean think his name. He felt a pang of longing, but it wasn’t his own. Or rather, it matched his own. Echoed his, merged with his, swelling the aching feeling until he felt full to bursting with yearning for something he thought he could never have. Had thought he couldn’t have. Now, he wondered.

He called to his son.

Jack appeared beside him. He followed Cas’ gaze. “It’s time for you to return to him,” he mused.

“Yes, but,” Cas tripped over the words he wanted to say and couldn’t bear to say.

Fortunately, Jack understood. Without another word, he took Cas’ face in his hands. For a moment, their eyes glowed brightly, then Castiel’s dimmed to their customary shade of blue. When Jack’s golden aura had faded as well, he pulled away from Cas. He glanced down at the slim vial now slung around his neck by a black cord. The substance within sparkled, swirled, its hue a dazzling, electric blue-white. It looked like lightning in a bottle.

Cas swept his son into a crushing embrace. “Thank you,” he wept.

“You can always come home,” Jack told him.

Cas pulled back. “No. Where I’m going is home.” He smiled through the tears rushing down his cheek. “Goodbye, Jack. I love you.”

He rather felt than heard Jack’s reply, as he crossed from the celestial plane to the mortal realm. He stood now on that same sidewalk. Far to his right, Sam lifted Eileen, carrying her bridal-style into her home, letting the door slam behind them. To his left, a long black car. He gripped the passenger door handle, pulled it open. The hinges squeaked. He folded himself inside before turning to the driver.

Dean looked every bit as awed as Cas felt. This was right.

Before he could say anything, even so much as a simple “Hello, Dean,” he found himself in Dean’s arms. Where he belonged.

[maggiemaybe160]

The Sound of Longing

Fic written for @ficfacers 2019. My winning bid was from AnonGrimm. I had so much fun writing this fic. Full 5 chapter fic on my Ao3 (Rated Mature)

Look, I’ll be honest. The house I’m looking at doesn’t have a monster. It doesn’t have a victim, ghostie, or creepy crawly. It’s just a house that’s empty. The owner hasn’t come home yet. If he has any sort of life on a Saturday, he won’t be coming home tonight at all. I don’t know why Sam is having me waste my breath on this case. There’s nothing in this town. He’s still strung out from our last two weeks.

Douche with wings zapped us into the corporate life with no memories. We spent two weeks living the lives of civilians with desk jobs. He’s itching to prove that it will never happen again and that he doesn’t want that snoozefest of a life. He’s too busy trying to prove that he chooses hunting to see that there is nothing here to hunt.

I know I’m happier staking out, cleaning rifles, loading salt rounds, and ganking evil sons-of-bitches, but it felt like a vacation. It felt like a rest from Hell, a moment to breathe after torturing Alistair.

Sam wants to wash it off and pretend it didn’t happen. He wants to forget the two friends he lost while he was trapped in the mind of an IT pencil-pusher. I could do without the memories of that poor kid in the bathroom. He didn’t deserve to go out just because Zachariah chose to stir up our brains. We could have had that ghost before… What’s his name? Ian? Ian died. I didn’t know him. Sam did. I called him “pencil-neck” and Sam didn’t take it well.

“He had a name.”

His name was Ian. He was Sam’s friend, but we’re still not allowed to have friends. Not ones with nine to fives and no supernatural protection.

I am glad to be back, though. Back to eating bacon cheeseburgers and drinking beer. Back to long hours driving and highlighting newspapers. Back to normal, health-insurance and pay free. I’m back to staring at a boring house and sitting in the car just so I can think.

I keep running over why I said yes to torturing someone, no matter how evil he is. I had waited thirty years of what I thought was going to be eternity to start torturing anyone. I didn’t want to go back to it the second I was back topside. I didn’t want to look into his ugly face and hear his slimy voice. I know why I said yes, though. He asked me to.

Mister blue-eyes-and-trench-coat showed up and asked me to do him one little favor and there I was like a lost dog. Any other angel and I know I would have said no. If Zach had asked, I might’ve even told him where to stick it. Junkless did ask, and I told him no. I made the mistake of asking to talk to Cas alone. Talk to the only being that could make my heart run wild and make him convince me to help him with those eyes and that voice. No, it had to be Castiel. It had to be him.

Something keeps coming up with him. Uriel and Cas have both said that Cas is getting too close to me and that he likes me. The words are a fist around my heart. I don’t know why I care. Anna already told me that angels can’t fall in love. Not that that’s what I’m thinking about because it’s not.

Love. I can repeat the word over and over and I’ve always just seen a blank screen. I guess that’s not true anymore, but who knows what that means? I’m not allowed to fall in love. I’m a solider for Earth, Hell, and now Heaven. I’m a bullet-shield if anything and unworthy of that kind of feeling. It’s not like I hear that word and think about my pounding heart and sparking lights. It doesn’t mean anything if I hear that word and feel my stomach twist because I think about him. He doesn’t think about me. Not as anything more than some rescue dog from Hell anyway.

What does it mean he likes me? What the fuck does that mean? It can’t mean anything. I want it to mean something. I want it to mean anything and everything.

“Hello, Dean.”

I jump out of my skin and look over to the passenger seat of my previously empty car. “Don’t do that!” Always. Whenever I have a moment to just think, here he is, sitting next to me with his blue eyes narrowed like he can read my thoughts. “Why are you here?”

“I always come when you call,” he says, the gravel in his voice raking over me.

“False alarm. I didn’t call.” There’s no point in trying to look back at the most ordinary house. Cas’ eyes are pools to drown in. I can’t breathe.

“I can hear longing, Dean.”

What the fuck? What kind of thing is that to say? I don’t long for things. Especially not people. Or angels. I don’t long for him. I don’t long to run my hand down the side of his face or feel his lips on mine. I do not long for his arms around me. I don’t long to be shoved against a wall by him, our noses touching, eyes locked. I definitely don’t long for Castiel.

“Excuse me? You’ve got the wrong number, pal.”

“What number? I didn’t call you.” Cas shifts, his eyes cast down to my lips before finding my eyes again. “It hasn’t stopped, though. I don’t understand.”

I force myself to look away and find myself staring at the boring house again. This is the most pointless stakeout in the history of our hunting career. I could be at a bar drinking and flirting with anyone who walks by. Instead, I’m biting my tongue and contemplating how badly I want him.

“What are you doing here?” Cas asks, his face turning toward the same building that I’ve been watching.

“Humoring Sam.”

He doesn’t say anything else. I should’ve said something to keep him talking. I could have told a joke that would have gone over his head just so that he would tell me that he doesn’t understand.

“I’m sorry, Dean.” I wasn’t expecting that. I look back over at him and watch his head turn slowly. His eyes are filled with his apology. “I’m sorry about what happened with Alistair. I should have protected you from Heaven’s orders. I should never have let you walk into that room.”

“Don’t like what came out?” I don’t mean to joke or throw my words back in his face, but I am scared of the answer. His apologies could be his goodbye, and I’m not ready for that.

“That will never happen.” My heart lodges itself in my throat. “I tried to redeem myself for that by protecting you from Zachariah, but I was detained.”

“You were detained?” The way he talks drives me insane. He’s poetic and formal for no reason.

“Yes.”

When he doesn’t say more, I feel like it’s my turn. I’m supposed to accept and forgive him. I’m supposed to acknowledge that he’s sorry so we can both move on.

“Yeah, okay.”

“I have to apologize for my actions after you and Anna…” Can angels blush? Is that what’s happening? “I was jealous. That was one of the reasons I was kept from you. They accused me of getting too close to my charge. I can’t deny that accusation, but jealousy isn’t something that is allowed in Heaven. I could have protected you more effectively if I hadn’t let myself feel so strongly.”

Jealous? Jealous of Anna. Jealous of Anna when she was a human and asked me for her last night as a human. Jealous of the kiss in the barn before she powered up. Castiel was jealous? Jealous of me or her? Please be jealous of her.

“What do you mean, jealous?”

“It’s not of import. I… I should go.” He can’t leave now. Not after he opened that up.

“Cas,” I hear myself begging as I grab onto his arm. I can’t let him leave. Not now. “Talk to me.”

Cas sighs and I’m sure I’m wrong. I’m wrong in thinking he was jealous of her. Why would he want me? Now my hand is on his arm and I can’t take it away. If he can hear longing, he can probably feel it through his arm by now too. I shouldn’t have stopped him. I could have gone my whole life without this conversation.

“Uriel wasn’t lying to you when he told you of my affections.”

I want to scream. I want to ask him to clarify. I want to hear him say it. I need to hear him say it. His affections . What? Can you have a heart attack from thinking someone may have a crush on you? I think I’m having a stroke.

“I thought angels couldn’t fall in love.” Love. He never said he loved me. He said he has affections . Whatever that means. Now I’ve ruined it. I’ve lost all of my chances by using the world’s dumbest word.

“They can’t.” Fuck. “At least, I thought we couldn’t.”

I remember my hand on Cas’ arm and rip it away. He can’t mean it. He has to mean it. “I’m not allowed to fall in love. I’m just a soldier.” I repeat the words that I’d heard and told myself repeatedly through the years. I’m just a soldier. I’m disposable. I’m not meant for love or ‘ affections ’.

“That does apply to both of us.” Cas reaches out and takes my hand back. I should keep it from him, but his touch is all that I can think about.

“I guess it can’t be love then.” I lose the fight of not staring at his lips.

“I don’t think it matters what we call it.”

Cas drops my hand to cup my face instead, leaning in and pressing his lips to mine. It’s warm and soft and now I think I’m definitely having a heart attack. My heart slams in my chest as if it’s trying to escape as Cas’ mouth opens mine. I feel his fingers dragging through my hair as I pull him against me. His kisses swallow me whole.

@destielhoneybee @thekingofselfloathing @ain-t-bovvered @iamcharliebradburylevelperfect @adventurous-blob @anarchiana @blueeyesandpie @samatedeansbroccoli @skittles-rainbow-cat @lily-t2019 @fandom-is-my-middle-name @soloarcana @destiel-honeypie @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @spn-bad-bitch @awkward-penguin-in-a-trenchcoat @castibella-shipper-of-the-lord @telefunkies @aestheticallydyke @righteouscomeuppancejogstheliver @deanwinchesterswitch @royalrowena

[bre95611]

Castiel, Anna, and Dean in Season 4: Part One

Here we go! My very first meta. This will be a 3 part series looking into the relationships between Cas and Anna, Dean and Anna, and how the two relationships parallel each other during Supernatural season 4. Quick thanks to @agusvedder for helping me with the single gif in this post, both creating it and also walking my helpless self through saving it. Also thanks to @theirprofoundbond for all the motivation and kind words of encouragement! All quotes are from the Supernatural wiki transcripts. I would love to get some feedback on this, so feel free to send me a message and let me know what you think!

The first hint we get at a previous relationship between Anna and Castiel is almost entirely visual. In 4x10 "Heaven and Hell" Anna and Dean kiss when the angels have come for her, right before the demons show up. A lot of people view this kiss as Castiel's underlying feelings for Dean coming out in a look of jealousy of Anna for kissing Dean goodbye, essentially showing Castiel that they have since established a physical relationship. I don't necessarily disagree with this reading, but I propose a different reading as well.

I do think that Cas's budding feelings for Dean are at play here, I really do. But more than that, I think it's indicative of a previous relationship between Anna and Cas. Yes there is a jealous undertone in Castiel's look. But I think it's more jealousy of Dean getting to kiss Anna than the other way around. At this point in the narrative, we are dealing with a freshly reprogrammed Castiel. There is a marked difference in his actions regarding Dean and company. His feelings and doubts have been temporarily squashed due to what we can assume from the narrative as a whole as Naomi's doing. This is not the same angel as we saw last in 4x07, baring his proverbial soul to Dean on the park benches. This is Good Little Soldier Castiel.

Castiel's reaction to the kiss reads as jealousy and confusion. I believe it is jealousy of Dean getting to say a proper farewell to Anna. Some confusion as well because subconsciously he is also jealous of Anna getting to kiss Dean at all. I believe his blossoming feelings for Dean are still there, just buried too deep for him to realize it. However, reading this nearly famous Destiel scene only really makes sense in this context in later episodes, after seeing more evidence of a previous Castiel/Anna relationship.

The very next scene we get plays out as follows:

CASTIEL: I'm sorry.

ANNA: No. You're not. Not really. You don't know the feeling.

CASTIEL: Still, we have a history. It's just --

ANNA: Orders are orders. I know. Just make it quick.

At this point, we already know that Anna was previously Castiel's superior officer. The textual reading of this scene is that commanding officer and subordinate relationship is the history Castiel is referring to. If you look at it through a different lens, Cas "served under her" in a different way entirely. I know its established that Anna is a virgin, but I don't think that a lack of a sexual relationship can discredit a romantic undertone to their "history". Now we all know Uriel is a scumbag, but he served under Anna all the same. So why is Cas given the spotlight during this scene? At this point, he isn't a major character. He's only had a bit more screen time than Uriel. I think this is to give the audience a feeling of Cas and Anna having a more invested relationship with the each other than she had with Uriel before she fell.

Another point to draw from this scene is Anna saying Cas doesn't know the feeling. She has been gone from Heaven for just over 20 years at this point. SO even though we know Castiel has been experiencing emotions and doubts, Anna has no way of being privy to that information, assuming him to still be a Good Little Soldier. I'll come back to this later.

NOW. Let's jump forward a few episodes. In 4x16 "On the Head of a Pin" Anna and Castiel have a conversation alone, when Dean is preparing to torture Alastair for information on who has been killing angels. And there's a lot to unpack there. Let's start with when she first shows up.

CASTIEL: You shouldn't be here. We still have orders to kill you.

ANNA: Somehow I don't think you'll try. Where's Uriel?

We have to ask ourselves WHY doesn't she think he'll try? The last interaction between the two of them makes it clear that she still thinks Cas is Heaven's hammer, "Orders are orders, I know." The viewer gets the benefit of being able to piggy back onto the previous conversation Cas and Dean had, where Cas confesses to Dean his superiors believed him to be experiencing emotions, the "doorway to doubts". But last time we see Anna and Cas interact, we see that she doesn't believe he can feel. So what can we draw from that? It has been established that they have history, which we all believe to be them working together. BUT would just working together cause Cas to disobey an order from Heaven? No. If anything, it would make it EASIER for him to follow through on the orders he was given to kill her, since she knows he has no choice but to comply. She had already made Cas aware that she knows he has no choice but to do Heaven's bidding. This change in her, originally KNOWING Cas had no choice but to follow orders to now, where she doesn't think he'll even try begs the question, WHAT'S DIFFERENT? Cas had an audience. He had Uriel there, who would no doubt follow through if Cas couldn't. Who would sell him out to his superiors if he couldn't kill her or tried to let her go free. This is only further proven by her follow up question, inquiring Uriel's whereabouts.

Cas follows almost all his orders from Heaven, the only ones he disobeys or, at the least, disagrees with that we have seen thus far is when it involves Dean, someone he has a profound bond with. SO what if he has a different type of profound bond with Anna? Something a little less profound obviously, but a significant relationship all the same. Throughout the show, we only ever see Cas betraying Heaven for those he loves and cares for. His intentions are always pure, albeit overwhelmingly misguided. It can be argued that she is his sister, but I don't think that really cuts it. I think in just this one scene, it could be viewed that way, but when you look at this show as a whole, it just isn't enough.

After Anna brings up to Castiel that it might not be God calling the shots anymore we have this:

ANNA: The father you love. You think he wants this? You think he'd ask this of you? You think this is righteous?

CASTIEL can't meet her eyes.

ANNA: What you're feeling? It's called doubt.

This is really only notable because of how much more qualified Anna is to make this observation than basically anyone because she herself has felt that. It is also her first acknowledgment that Castiel is beginning to feel things. It continues with this:

ANNA touches CASTIEL's hand.

ANNA: These orders are wrong and you know it. But you can do the right thing. You're afraid, Cas. I was too. But together, we can still-”

CASTIEL: Together?

CASTIEL yanks his hand away.

CASTIEL: I am nothing like you. You fell. Go.

ANNA: Cas.

CASTIEL: Go.

First of all, I will fight you if you think that hand touch is platonic. No way. Don't believe you. Beyond that though, this whole exchange screams lovers' quarrel to me. "You're afraid, Cas" is Anna further acknowledging Castiel's burgeoning feelings. "I was too" is calling back to her falling. She was scared to make the decision to rebel. The ultimate end to their relationship was Anna choosing to fall. Castiel pulls his hand away when she says "together" and that is the part he repeats and gets hung up on. He reacts as if her suggesting they do something together is almost a betrayal. Perhaps because the last time she suggested they do something together (like fall?) she didn't wait for him. She did it on her own. He gets hung up on her word choice because he can't believe they could do anything together again. This reading of the scene is furthered when we take into account what Anna says before Cas cuts her off. "We can still." The writers allowing the word "still" to be said is IMPORTANT. If she had just said "we can", the viewer can read into that a new beginning. Together, we can rebel. Together, we can change Heaven. BUT that "still". That implies a conversation had countless times before. We can still do what we had planned to do. You can still what, Anna? Still fall together? Still rebel together? Still follow the plan you two had set up before you fell without him?

Now, Cas's verbal response is just as important. "I am nothing like you. You fell." speaks to their differences being that she took action, not that he doesn't feel that way too. At this point, it has already been established that he DOES feel the same way as she does and did. And honestly, up until the "together, we can still" it seemed like she was gaining ground with our favorite angel. It was that reminder that there is no longer a "together" for them, the reminder that they can pick up where they left off, that she lost him. The reminder of their history is where their differences lie. They are just alike in their beliefs. Cas is nothing like her in the sense that he didn't fall. That he didn't do anything about how he feels/felt. The whole scene reads like a generically written past lovers fight where one person says "you left, not me" or "you changed, not me", but in the context of the show we get "you fell, not me."

Flash forward a couple of scenes. Cas has just learned that it is URIEL that is killing the angels. What an asshole, amirite? After learning this world shattering news, Cas calls for Anna.

CASTIEL: Anna. Anna, please.

The streetlight above CASTIEL flickers. He looks up, then turns around.

ANNA: Decided to kill me after all?

CASTIEL; I'm alone.

ANNA: What do you want from me, Castiel?

CASTIEL: I'm considering disobedience.

ANNA nods.

ANNA: Good.

CASTIEL: No, it isn't. For the first time, I feel...

ANNA: It gets worse. Choosing your own course of action is confusing, terrifying.

ANNA puts her hand on CASTIEL's shoulder. He looks at it; she drops it.

ANNA: That's right. You're too good for my help. I'm just trash. A walking blasphemy.

ANNA turns to walk away.

CASTIEL: Anna.

ANNA stops.

CASTIEL: I don't know what to do. Please tell me what to do.

ANNA turns back.

ANNA: Like the old days? No. I'm sorry. It's time to think for yourself.

ANNA vanishes.

Now, I will be calling back to this scene in regards to the relationship Dean and Cas have, since this scene follows Sam and Cas talking at the hospital while Dean is injured. (Spoiler alert: the disobedience Cas is considering is to save Dean, big surprise, yeah?) But, its also important in regards to the Cas/Anna relationship as well. Cas calls for Anna because he knows she has felt all this before. He knows that if anyone can give him direction, its going to be someone that has experienced it all before. But once again, she tries to establish physical connection with him, and Cas is wholeheartedly NOT about it. The scenes from this episode between the two of them SCREAM old girlfriend trying to get back with her ex boy to me. As someone previously involved in a lengthy on again/off again relationship, maybe I'm reading too much of my own experiences into it, but I just really don't think so. This is a bit too on the nose for that. Even Anna's response feels like that to me. "I'm just trash. A walking blasphemy." It's her saying, oh I see, I forgot, you're too good for me. Using self-deprecation to try and score some pity points. I see you, girl. I see what you're trying to do. Cas steers the conversation back to what he originally called on her for, direction in regards to his feelings.

And Anna, little red-headed fire pistol that she is, fires back with some sass. "Like the old days? No. I'm sorry. It's time to think for yourself." Now, textually, we can view this as her referring to when she was his superior. But with all this evidence of a previous relationship, and the implications of their conversation when Dean was torturing Alastair ("we can still") gives the subtextual reading of the "old days" referring to when they had likely begun talking/planning of rebelling and falling together.

Now if we view Anna as a past relationship of Castiel's, it makes all of season 4 way more Destiel centered. Perpetuating the idea the Destiel was always intended. Granted, Castiel was only originally going to be in a handful of episodes. I think 3 tends to be what I've heard the most. Now if that's the case, we can make the assumption that episode 7 was not originally going to have Cas, and neither was episode 10 or 11. Which makes the argument even more compelling, since, as you will see in the third installment, Anna and Dean's relationship is basically Destiel up until that point smashed down in to a 2 episode arc. Stay tuned, kids!

Part 2 is now available here!

[sternchencas]

written for a prompt by @maggiemaybe160 on the @profoundnet discord.

THE VOICE OF AN ANGEL

Pairing: Destiel | Wordcount: 4.867 | Rating: Explicit | also on AO3

Tags: radio, music, masturbation, fluff and smut, Dean falls for Cas’ voice

Summary:  When Sam hides Dean’s cassette tapes, Dean has to get creative to get his daily fix of classic rock, but soon, the music doesn’t matter anymore. Instead, Dean gets high on a voice.

“I swear to god, Sam, you better be joking,” Dean bellows, his voice filling the inside of the Impala like a severe explosion.

“I’m not,” Sam says in a quiet, almost soothing voice. “You’ve been brooding for months, and I think they’re not helping you at all.”

“My freaking cassette tapes? Are you crazy?”

Sam purses his lips, not happy about Dean’s choice of words, but he keeps his therapist-like exterior. “Heaving a healthy routine and being stuck in a circle of self-destructing behavior are two different things. I think you should try something new.”

Dean growls. “You just want me to listen to some of your crap. But guess what? I won’t. I’d rather listen to nothing at all.”

He turns off the radio with unnecessary force and watches Sam, daring him to turn it back on. Sam does nothing of the sort. He dives back into his laptop with a sigh of, “Fine.”

“Fine!” Dean snaps back and stares at the road ahead, not looking at Sam for over two hours.

The atmosphere stays just as icy when they’re back at the house, and Dean heads straight for his room. It only takes him about 20 minutes of driving to understand what Sam means. Dean hates this kind of silence, and he not only likes the music, he needs it like he needs air to breathe.

Throwing his bedroom door shut, Dean looks around the room for his iPod, but since Sam is an equally smart and mean son of a bitch, he took that as well. Dean is about to storm out and demand it back when his eyes fall on an old radio in the corner. Sam didn’t take it since it’s broken, but he doesn’t know that Dean brought it to his room to fix it.

Dean raids one of his drawers to make sure he has all the tools he needs before locking himself in and starting to work on the radio. It takes him three hours and four attempts, but finally, it comes to life.

“Suck on that,” Dean murmurs and sets the radio down on his bedside table. After plucking in his headphones, he eagerly searches for a station.

Living on a farm in the middle of nowhere doesn’t help. First, Dean gets a lot of static, then classical music, and finally a bible station. He’s almost ready to give up when he can make out a few distinct notes of Metallica’s “some kind of monster.” Eagerly, he tweaks the antenna to get the most out of it and his fingers hurt from moving the knob for the frequency only fractions of an inch at a time.

This is the test of flesh and soul This is the trap that smells so good This is the flood that drains these eyes These are the looks that chill to the bone These are the fears that swing overhead These are the weights that hold you down This is the end that will never end This is the voice of silence no more…

Dean falls back onto his bed with a deep sigh. Like a junkie who finally got his hit, he unravels in the music. When the song ends, there’s a second of nothing until a voice speaks. “This was ‘Some Kind of Monster’ by Metallica, and we’ll head right over to Kansas‘ ‘Dust in the Wind.’”

The music doesn’t matter anymore. Dean sits up and stares at the radio, his mind occupied with the gruff, deep voice of the announcer. Dean’s never heard a voice like that, especially on the radio. He would definitely remember a voice like that.

Getting up to his feet, he paces up and down and waits for the song to get cut short, but it plays all the way through, and there’s a moment of silence before the voice speaks again.

“Wonderful track, number 6 on the Billboard Hot 100 in April of 1978. You’re listening to Angel Radio, and these are our five songs in a row before midnight.”

He lists the songs, and when the music starts, Dean exclaims a breathless, “Nooo.”

Five songs in a row? Usually, he’d kill for that, but right now he wants nothing more than to hear that voice again. Dean makes good use of the time though. He changes his clothes and brushes his teeth and when song number three starts, he rushes to the kitchen to get something to drink.

When Dean comes back to his room, he puts his headphones back on and the song changes. It must be number five. Dean settles down on his bed and turns the volume up, ready for the voice.

The silence is back, and then, “Those were our five songs in a row before midnight, and you’re listening to classic rock on Angel Radio. I’m Castiel Novak, and I’ll leave you in the hands of my friend Balthazar for now. Have a good night from me with this lovely lullaby.”

“No One Like You” by the Scorpions begins to play, and Dean listens, hoping that Castiel might come back, but when the song is fading out another voice is speaking over the last notes.

“Welcome back to another night with Balthazar. I’ll guarantee we’re going to have-”

Dean turns the radio off and grabs his phone instead. He searches for anything about Angel Radio and finds a message board where people discuss some of their shows. One of the entries has a link attached that leads to a website made by the station’s hosts. It’s not flashy: more about giving information.

One link leads to a list of the hosts, even with pictures. There’s Balthazar with an overly cheeky grin, a redheaded woman named Anna, a woman with golden locks biting down on a lollipop named Gabriel, and finally Castiel.

Dean stares at the photograph and feels cheated. It’s not at all like the others. It’s a profile picture of a man with a sharp nose and a clean cut, scruffy chin, but the eyes are cut off. Instead, his mouth is open, and he speaks into a microphone. With Dean’s eyes glued to Castiel’s lips, he tries to imagine the voice, but it’s just not the same from memory.

Immediately, Dean clicks the link to the station’s program and lets out an unceremonial, accidental, and completely embarrassing squeal of joy when he sees the name. Tomorrow evening, he has a date with Castiel Novak.

After weeks of secretly listening to Angel Radio, Dean finally has the house to himself. Sam is visiting a nearby convention about serial killers, and Dean puts his alone time to good use. He searches the whole basement until he finds his mom’s old stereo. It has a functioning radio, and what’s more important, it also has two cassette decks. A week ago, Dean bought some tapes from an electronic store, letting Sam believe that he needed parts to fix the radio, and now he’s finally ready.

Dean has barely enough time to set up the stereo, but he’s ready to go when Anna says goodbye to the listeners. Her last song fades out, and after a short pause, Dean can hear Castiel’s familiar voice.

“Hello, friends of classic rock. I’m Castiel Novak, and you’re listening to Angel Radio. It’s 6 on this nice Thursday evening, which means it’s time for Classical Rock – a history.”

Falling back on his bed, Dean couldn’t be happier. Although he doesn’t mind listening to Castiel over his headphones, it sure is a nice change to have his voice fill the whole room. Even better, every Tuesday and Thursday at 6 pm, Castiel runs a show that focuses on the history of famous bands and their songs. Dean already knows most of it, but aside from little sound bits of songs, there’s no music. For almost an hour, there’s only Castiel’s lovely voice.

Dean sighs, and all the pressure and stress falls off of him, leaving only a nice heavy feeling that presses him snuggly into the memory foam of his mattress. He can’t exactly tell what today’s show is about, but now that he’s able to record them, he can listen to them whenever he wants.

A giddy feeling rushes through his stomach at the thought, and his mind dives deep into the velvet ocean that is Castiel’s voice. In his mind, he sees the picture of Castiel’s profile, the plush, full lips slightly parted. He wonders what it would sound like to have Castiel whisper in his ear, maybe bite down and nibble, or kiss along his jaw and neck. When a pleasant chill runs down his body, Dean’s imagination begins to run wild.

What if it went even further? Castiel would kiss down Dean’s chest and stomach, all the while talking to him, his breath ghosting over Dean’s skin, and when he reaches the waistband of his pants…

Dean knows he should probably feel guilty for getting off on a stranger’s voice like this, but he’s not hurting anybody, so he loses his shirt and pushes down his pants. Castiel’s voice brings him right back into the mood, and he caresses his body while imagining Castiel doing it.

It would be so good to have Castiel tell him how pretty he looks this way and how much he wants to be inside of him. That gives Dean the idea to go all the way with this. He grabs a bottle of lube from the drawer in his nightstand and applies it generously, while Castiel is not so far from discussing related things. “… been controversy about innuendos and sexual meaning in song lyrics, but these guys weren’t doing much to hide it. A line like ‘I’m gonna give you every inch of my love‘ can’t exactly be called subtle.”

Guided by Castiel’s voice, Dean moves his hand lazily up and down his cock while his other hand massages his balls. He wants to make every minute of the show count, so he takes his sweet time. After a while, his grip gets tighter, and he caresses his perineum, slowly paving the way to open himself up with more lube.

Dean imagines how Castiel would suck Dean’s cock into his mouth, all wet and warm, while his slick fingers would tease Dean’s rim. He’d tell him what he’s doing at all times, and push his fingers inside so slowly that Dean would soon beg for more. Following the notion, Dean lifts his ass up from the bed, pressing against his own fingers, before falling back and finally sliding them in with care.

Throughout the show, Castiel’s voice becomes increasingly more pronounced, as if it takes him a while to lose his nervousness. Once there, he sounds sure of everything he says, almost daring the listeners to disagree with him. Dean would. Not because Castiel is wrong but because Dean wants him to lecture him. Castiel would tell him that he had better behave himself, but Dean would be a little brat until Castiel pushes him down on the bed to show him who’s boss.

Dean’s movements become more frantic at the thought, his body heating up and his heart beating louder in his chest. He wishes he could make this happen, get Castiel into his bed and open up for him, follow his every command. Castiel would feel so good inside him, stretching him open with every push and making him ask politely for more.

With loud moans, Dean slides his fingers in and out of his hole, his voice mingling with Castiel’s, both of them filling up the room. Castiel is giving a quick recap, letting Dean know that there are only minutes until the show ends. In Dean’s mind, Castiel is buried deep inside of him, his body pressing down on him, and they kiss in between needy breaths and even louder moans.

Just like Castiel speeds up in his imagination, Dean’s hands become more eager, and when Castiel announces the end of today’s show, Dean pushes himself over the edge crying out, “Fuck, Cas!”

Dean’s body goes rigid for a moment, his hand still while his cock pumps come onto his stomach, and a second later, Dean pools down into his mattress again as if he’s made of liquid.

“You were a wonderful audience tonight, thank you for listening. I’m Castiel Novak, and you are listening to Angel Radio.”

Music starts playing, and Dean lets out a little laugh while pointing at the radio. “Oh no, baby, thank you.”

“Dean, what the hell? I only want to-” Sam says but Dean lifts his hand to cut him off.

“I told you, no time.”

“Why?” Sam asks bewildered. “It’s not even like you’re going out. You’re in your ugliest sweatpants.”

Dean doesn’t particularly like lying to Sam, but he didn’t have a chance to listen to Cas in two days, and his nerves are beginning to wear thin. “Okay, if you absolutely have to know, I’m doing yoga.”

Sam‘s eyes grow big after Dean gives him a moment to process what he just said. “Yoga?”

“Yes, bloody yoga,” Dean grunts. “I hate to admit when you’re right but I’ve been doing it regularly twice a week, and it actually helps.”

“Oh,” Sam says, his face lightening up. “Tuesday and Thursday.”

The lie works even better than Dean imagines, and he nods along. “Always at six, because you keep going on and on about a healthy schedule. And as you can see,” Dean says, pointing at his watch, “I’m already late.”

Sam lifts his hands in apology. “Alright, I’ll head over to Eileen’s for a while, and you can do your thing.”

“Highly appreciated,” Dean says, acting as calm as he possibly can, but as soon as Sam is gone, he sprints to his room and gets the stereo out from under his bed to turn it on. “- from Led Zeppelin, ‘Riverside Blues.’ Enjoy,” Cas says.

Dean stares at the radio while the song plays and it’s the first time in his life that he doesn’t enjoy hearing it. Why is there music at all? There’s supposed to be Cas‘ voice for a full hour. Dean sits down on his bed and waits for the song to end.

“For everybody who just tuned in, there won’t be a history of classic rock today. My co-hosts asked me to do a little giveaway instead,” Cas explains. “You can win two tickets for an exclusive concert of the Dreamy Demons in the Roadhouse Shed, dinner before and backstage after. All you have to do is call now and answer a simple question.”

He gives out the number to get right through to him, and when he repeats it, Dean punches it into his phone. “I see we have a first caller. Hi, who am I talking to?”

“Hi, oh my god, I’m such a big fan. I love your show. I’m Becky.”

“Thank you, Becky,” Cas says, but Dean can hear that he’s trying to rush through the conversation. “Are you a big fan of the Dreamy Demons?”

“Oh my god yes,” Becky squeals and Dean fears that his ears might start bleeding. “I listen to them all the time and follow them on insta and everything.”

“That’s-” Cas searches for a word and Dean laughs, trying to imagine his face. “Um, great. You should have no trouble with the question then. I will read it to you, and then you have ten seconds to answer. Ready?”

“Yes!”

“In their song ‘Nevermind Names‘ the Dreamy Demons list a few names that were supposed to be their name before they settled on their current one. Name those three names. You have ten seconds.”

Becky rambles for the entire time and comes up with only one name at the end, Dreamy Demons. Cas lets her down easy and plays another song, promising to give another caller a chance when it ends.

Dean stares at his phone. If he wants to go see the band, he can just buy a ticket, but this-? This is a chance to talk to Cas. The seconds tick by, and Dean’s mouth runs dryer by every one of them. His thumb keeps hovering over the call button. He won’t get through anyway, right?

Cas comes back on to quickly explain the rules again. When he says “then call now,” Dean presses down his thumb without thinking, and it rings. “Alright, let’s see who we have now,” Cas says. “This is Castiel. Who am I talking to?”

A shiver runs down Dean’s spine. He can hear Cas‘ voice over the speaker but it’s also right there in his ear, and it’s even better although he has no idea how that’s possible. “Anybody there?” Cas says, and Dean finally gets in gear.

“Yes, hi. It’s Dean, Dean Winchester.”

“Hello Dean.”

That’s what it must feel like to ascend to heaven. Dean is melting like snow in the sun, and he has trouble getting air for a second. Nobody has ever said his name like that. It’s pronounced clearly, but comes out of Cas‘ throat like a growl. Dean wants to fall to his knees and pray.

“You forgot one of the names,” Dean blurts out, trying to get back on his feet. “You said, devilish, dirty, and disastrous, but you forgot Dollar Demons.”

There’s silence, and Dean curses himself. He wanted to talk to Cas to win him over, or at least have a friendly conversation, not argue with him on the air. “I asked for the three names in the song,” Cas clarifies. “They only talked about Dollar Demons on Garth’s Good Morning Show.”

“Alright, you got me there,” Dean admits. “But it’s in the booklet of the second album. Worth adding it to the other three, don’t you think?”

“You could, but even Crowley himself said that they didn’t particularly like the name and that’s why they didn’t put it in the song,” Cas says, his voice full of that bossy tone that makes Dean’s knees go weak. “Worth listening to the lead singer, don’t you think?”

“Dammit, Cas, you’re really showing me up right now,” Dean jokes and the nickname just slips out like everything else.

It’s dead quiet for a moment, and Dean even thinks about apologizing, but Cas finds his voice first. “How about you save face by getting the question for the tickets right, Dean?”

He puts a lot of emphasis on Dean’s name this time, but Cas doesn’t sound angry. Dean isn’t sure what to think since he’s never heard Cas like this before. Is he joking? Teasing him? “Alright, I’ll do my best. Ready when you are.”

“Here is your question: In which year was Led Zeppelin’s ‘Ramble On‘ first released?”

Dean grins over his whole face and can’t keep the cheer out of his voice. “That’s not a Dreamy Demons question.”

“I can ask something else if it’s too hard for you,” Cas offers, and Dean is sure that Cas is fucking with him.

First, he asks him something that involves the number 69 and then asks him if it’s too hard? Dean’s heart is pounding faster again, and he dares to believe that Cas is actually flirting with him, or at least tries to throw him off with a little innuendo. “No, it’s alright, I can handle hard,” Dean retorts. “The answer is 1969. October 22nd, to be exact.”

“Seems we have a Zeppelin fan here, and the answer is-,” Cas says, and after a dramatic pause, he plays a cheery jingle interlaced with applause. “Correct, of course. Congratulations, Dean. You won two tickets with backstage access and a great dinner at the Roadhouse.”

“Thank you!” Dean says, emotion flooding into the words as their conversation ticks closer to ending.

“Any idea who’s coming with you?” Cas asks.

Dean’s brain short circuits. He can’t believe that Cas stays on the phone and is trying to make small talk. Maybe he doesn’t want it to be over either.

“How about you?” Dean asks out of the blue and to be perfectly clear, he rephrases the question. “Would you like to go to the concert with me?”

Cas‘ lets out a surprised laugh and his voice cracks. “We, um, have the nicest listeners, don’t you think? Stay on the line, Dean, so we can take your information.”

Dean hears a click and holding music begins playing through his phone, and after Cas announces the next song, the stereo is playing music as well. After a minute, Dean wonders when Cas will get back to him. After another minute, he’s not sure if anybody will get back to him at all, but Cas can’t just leave him hanging. He won the tickets after all.

The song on the radio changes and finally, there’s another click in Dean’s phone. “Dean, are you still there?”

“Sure,” Dean says, “still waiting for an answer.”

There’s a pause, and Dean can hear Cas breathe. “You weren’t joking then.”

“Not at all.”

“Dean,” Cas says, and Dean’s heart drops. He can hear a let down from a mile away. “You can’t know that, but I’m blind. I’m not the best person to bring to a concert.”

The penny drops when Dean sees Cas‘ photo in front of his inner eye. He didn’t want every person online to see, so they got a little creative with the picture. He still told Dean, though. He could have said anything else, even argued that employees of the radio station can’t profit from the prizes, but he said the one thing that would give Dean an out. “That’s not a no then,” Dean states. “You want me to pick you up? I have a nice car.”

“I- Dean, didn’t you-?”

“Oh, I heard you,” Dean interrupts. He has a foot in the door now, and he’ll be damned if he lets Cas go because Cas feels self-conscious. “Just like you are hearing me. I didn’t ask you to go to the movies after all.”

There’s a small laugh coming from Cas, and Dean’s heart leaps with joy, but Cas still sounds unsure. “Can I ask why? We’ve never met and we don’t know anything about each other.”

“Not to sound like a creeper, but we’ve been dating for weeks. I haven’t missed a single show of classic rock history for five months, and it’s often the highlight of my day,” Dean admits. He doesn’t want to come on too strong, but he takes Cas as someone who needs the unpolished truth. “You don’t talk from notes, you love that stuff, and I do too. We’d have a lot to talk about, and I very much enjoy listening to you.”

“That’s- Um, thanks for your honesty,” Cas says before falling silent. It’s unnerving, but Dean doesn’t say anything. It’s not his job to persuade Cas. Dean made his move, and now it’s on Cas to decide. “Can I ask you something? And I’d prefer another honest answer.”

“Sure, ask away.”

“How much do you enjoy listening to me?”

“I told you-”

“No,” Cas interrupts. “Let me be clearer. Do you listen to the show alone when you enjoy it?”

Cas puts a lot of emphasis on the words, and Dean blushes when he finally gets his meaning. He doesn’t want this to be over, but he’d hate for it to start with a lie. “I always listen to it alone, but I only really, really enjoyed it once. I promise, from one classic rock fan to another.”

Dean bites his lip to stop himself from talking, but Cas laughs. “Don’t worry, I believe you. It’s alright.”

“And you’re not creeped out?”

“No,” Cas says. “I’ve gotten fan mail telling me to work at a sex hotline. It seems my voice - how do I put this – does it for quite a few people. I just wanted to know if you can be honest about it.”

“So, that’s still not a no?” Dean asks hopefully.

“I guess it’s not,” Cas says with a sigh. “You seem nice and to be honest, your voice isn’t too bad either.”

Dean almost swallows his tongue. “You think?” he crooks and Cas laughs, less restricted than before.

“Yes, I do,” Cas admits. “It’s dark, but smooth. Well rounded, like marbles shaped by the sea. Very sexy, actually.”

“Keep talking,” Dean says with a grin.

“Wish I could, but I’ve been playing songs in a row here without saying anything. I should go back to work.”

“Son of a bitch, of course.” Dean didn’t even notice the music coming from the stereo. “I’m sorry.”

“How about you give me your number, and I call you later when the show is over,” Cas suggests.

“To talk about the concert?”

“Of course,” Cas says, but then mischief creeps into his voice. “Or instead of talking, you could just listen.”

Dean rattles off his number quicker than he ever had before and has to repeat it twice before Cas gets it right. Then he lies on his bed, his phone pressed against his heart, and he feels like bursting any second.

Sam runs his hands through his hair and over his face, sighing deeply. Like so many times before, he’s waiting for his brother. Sam knows it’s still early, but they have hours of driving ahead of them, and it will take even longer if they don’t head out soon and get stuck in traffic.

He’s about to go in and get Dean when the door flies open, and Dean comes outside. He locks the door and hops down the stairs before walking over to the car with a skip in his steps. If Sam didn’t know better, he’d say it’s Dean’s I-had-great-sex-last-night-walk. But that can’t be. Sam is sure they were alone in the house last night.

Sam eyes Dean when he drops into the seat next to him with a whistle on his lips. “What are you so chipper about?” he asks, his suspicion growing.

“What?” Dean asks, checking his mirrors. “I can’t be in a good mood?”

“Of course, you can, but you’ve been down in the dumps for over a year. What changed?” Sam asks, still weary, but with legitimate interest.

Dean starts the engine and turns the car around to get on the path that leads from their house to the actual road. “I don’t know, Sammy. I guess yoga really does it for me.”

He smiles broadly, and now Sam is sure something is up. When Dean reaches for the radio, Sam lifts his hand, but Dean grunts. “Come on, I got over my tapes. You can’t forbid me to listen to music ever again.”

“Okay, you’re right,” Sam admits and leans back. “I’m sorry.”

“No problem,” Dean quips and he fumbles around with the frequency, clearly trying to get a specific station.

“-almost 6 in the morning and some of you might be surprised to hear my voice,” the announcer says in a deep, gruff voice. “Anna couldn’t make it this morning, so I’m filling in, giving you the best classic rock on Angel Radio.”

“You ever heard of that station before?” Sam asks, and Dean shrugs his shoulder as if he hadn’t just ignored some easier options to tune into this particular station.

The announcer speaks about some program changes and how he’ll be missing a show due to a concert he’s going to. Sam wouldn’t be interested in any of it, but Dean smiles along in a bedazzled manner and keeps glancing at the radio with an expression of fondness on his face. It gives Sam the creeps.

“And now I have a special song for one of our listeners. Good morning, Dean.”

The announcer’s voice is oozing something that Sam can’t place, especially in the way he says Dean. Sam looks over to his brother who is now smiling at the radio as if he’s about to bend down and kiss it. The music starts playing, and Dean taps his fingers on the steering wheel, lost in the fact of how weird all of this is.

Sam leans forward to catch his eye and points to the radio. “You wanna tell me what’s going on?”

“Don’t know what you mean,” Dean says, mouthing the words to the song.

“You, all bouncy,” Sam elaborates, trying very hard to keep his voice under control. “And ‘good morning, Dean.‘ You gonna tell me that wasn’t meant for you?”

“A lotta Deans out there, Sammy,” Dean chirps and Sam is about to lose his mind.

“Look, you’re going to tell me-” Sam starts, but Dean is done pretending. When the chorus comes in, he actually sings along, not exactly well, but with a lot of enthusiasm.

“And you… shook me all night long,” he booms at the top of his voice while Sam’s brain works overtime.

A picture begins to form in his mind that combines Dean’s after sex behavior, the announcer, and that song.

“What were you asking?” Dean shouts over the music, moving his head along and shaking his shoulders.

Sam sinks down deep in his seat and closes his eyes, trying to do the same with his mind before it can finish solving the puzzle. “Oh god, nevermind. Just drive.”

[stuckwith-harry]

Chapter 2: December

A particular brotherly feeling

Chapter 1

Ao3

A/N: A very sick @ronaldswheezy helped with grammar. (Also, my meetup five bed makes a cameo, hehe. Good times.)

December

“Show a little loving Shine a little light on me”

Lovers - Anna Of The North

Because he’s Harry Potter, and she’s Ginny Weasley, the rumour spreads ridiculously fast. From that point on, it’s a simple matter of keeping up the illusion, and soon enough, the hallways of Hogwarts are positively buzzing with gossip.

It’s ridiculous and a bit off-putting, Harry thinks, that a very real war is looming right outside the castle’s windows, that the Daily Prophet doesn’t go three days without reporting another disappearance anymore, and as soon as he’s spotted sticking his hand into Ginny’s back pocket, it’s the talk of the school. Still, he can’t deny there’s something weirdly pleasing about watching an entire common room full of students spin around and rather unsubtly crane their necks to stare at them as soon as they climb through the portrait hole together.

They set up a contract back in their deserted classroom, signed it, and made a copy for each. Harry remembered a spell from last year, and enchanted both pieces of parchment: To everyone but the two of them, their contracts would look like Potions homework.

“Sneaky”, said Ginny, sounding impressed.

The rules are simple: She goes to the Slughorn’s Christmas party with him. They go to Hogsmeade together, should the occasion arise, and sit next to each other in the Great Hall. No tongue when they kiss. And absolutely no snitching.

So on Saturday morning, the all but strut into the Great Hall, floating on the rare feeling of being in on the joke. It’s peak breakfast time, easily the busiest hour of the morning. The quest: Confirm the rumour that’s spreading around the castle like a particularly lovesick Devil’s Snare.

A simple enough feat, all things considered.

“Ready?”, she asks, looking up at him.

Harry holds her gaze and nods.

“Let’s do this.”

Several dozen pairs of eyes follow them as they march into the Great Hall, their entangled hands swinging happily between them. Harry spots the Creevey brothers frantically elbowing each other in the ribs as he and Ginny walk up to the Gryffindor table. The plan they’ve agreed on before coming down here makes his heart thump in his chest.

They find a spot on the bench wide enough for both of them, and before they sit down, she turns around, puts her hand on the back of his neck and kisses him on the mouth.

When Harry comes to his senses again, he looks around to find half the students present unabashedly staring – he fights the flush that creeps up his neck, grins at Ginny and quickly sits down next to her. Out of the corner of his eye, he registers a third-year Hufflepuff standing up on the wooden bench to get a better look; two Ravenclaw boys from Ginny’s year whispering heatedly; Romilda and Ron’s open mouths.

“Tossers”, Ginny mutters, looking rather pleased with the whole thing. She leans into him, covering her mouth with her hand when she whispers into his ear: “Good job, by the way.”

Harry glances past her at Ron, who’s sitting a few seats further down the Gryffindor table and looks like he just choked on his porridge. Their eyes cross when Ron spots him staring – he raises his eyebrows and mouths, What?

Harry shakes his head and looks away.

It doesn’t change the fact that he hates lying to Ron, but over the next few days, they hardly have a chance to talk. With school and Quidditch keeping them busy, the match against Slytherin rapidly approaching, there’s no time to discuss his relationship with Ginny in detail. Harry finds he’s rather relieved.

“I could kill him”, Ginny says loudly over the rumble of the Gryffindor victory party, handing Harry a butterbeer. “I could kill him, that hypocritical, entitled, self-righteous git.”

Harry doesn’t bother to ask who she’s talking about. “What did he do now?”

Ginny scoffs and points across the room. Harry follows her index finger with his eyes and spots Ron on the other side of the common room, where he’s snogging Lavender Brown rather enthusiastically.

“I could kill him”, Ginny reinforces, clearly eager to emphasise that particular sentiment. “And I kind of want to vomit.”

Harry has something else on his mind, though. “Is Hermione still here?”

“Haven’t seen her.”

“Mind if I disappear for a second?”

“You go. Want me to hold your butterbeer?”

Harry spots Romilda Vane watching them and takes that as an excuse to kiss Ginny goodbye before he slips through the portrait hole. She watches him leave, but he doesn’t notice.

When he finds Hermione, she’s sitting on the teacher’s desk of an unlocked Charms classroom, an entire flock of little yellow birds flying in a circle around her head, quietly twittering.

“Er”, he says. “Hi.”

She looks at him with a very odd expression on her face.

“Oh, Harry – you should be back at the party, I’m sure Ginny’s waiting for you.”

Harry doesn’t know what to say to that.

“I’m happy for you, anyway”, she says into the silence. “I had a feeling about you two.”

“How?”, Harry wants to ask, but before he can, Ron and Lavender come barging in, and that clearly poses the bigger problem at the moment.

Lavender does keep Ron busy, which means Harry doesn’t have to worry about their friendship imploding just yet, as he manages to avoid the topic of Ginny altogether on the rare occasion that the two of them do hang out. Oddly enough, Ron doesn’t bring it up either, and Harry decides it’s for the best, not exactly keen on a confrontation. He takes the same approach when it comes to Hermione, because while her comment from the day of the match hardly leaves his mind, he doesn’t particularly enjoy lying to his friends.

Unfortunately, that still leaves the mindbogglingly nosy rest of the school.

“So, how long has this been going on?”, purrs Lavender, who��s sitting on Ron’s lap. Ron, in turn, is trying to read over his Potions essay and doesn’t interact apart from regularly shooting Harry glances he thinks he doesn’t notice. There’s something oddly searching in them, and Harry doesn’t like it at all. He stares straight ahead at the Gryffindor Christmas tree, counting the crimson red baubles.

“Since you heard about it, I guess”, says Ginny, who’s sitting next to Harry on the most popular sofa in the common room, right in front of the fireplace. She’s flipping through the Daily Prophet and doesn’t bother to look up, though Harry has a feeling she must be as acutely aware of Ron’s presence as he is. “We really thought we could keep it secret for a bit, but the news travelled so quickly, it’s almost like the rest of the school knew before we did.”

Harry blinks and stares at her. She winks.

It quickly turns out it wasn’t their most cunning move to start this conversation when the common room is as packed as it is. More and more Gryffindors, some of which Harry has never spoken to, suddenly come over to sit or stand around their sofa and needle them with questions.

“How did it start?”

“Well, we were already friends, so –” Harry looks to Ginny for help, wondering if she’s also thinking about how idiotic it was not to come up with a backstory ahead of time.

“One thing led to another”, she says simply. Harry can’t quite place the look on her face. “It’s like – you look at someone as a friend, and at some point it shifts, and you see something else instead.”

“What made you like the other?”, asks a girl from Ginny’s year.

“Oh, I’m just dating him for his fame and money, didn’t you know?”

The little crowd break into reluctant chuckles – Harry actually has to bite into his fist to keep his grin from turning into real laughter.

“What about you, Harry?”, the girl presses on.

“Yeah, what about you?”, Harry hears Ron ask.

Uh oh.

But Ginny looks at him, and he feels their classmates’ eyes on him as much as he doesn’t.

“She’s funny”, he says after a beat of silence. “She’s cool, and – I really like hanging out with her.”

The Gryffindors around them giggle and sigh.

Harry stares into the fireplace so he doesn’t have to look at Ginny.

Hogwarts’ new and unfading interest in Harry and Ginny’s relationship comes with another considerable upside, which is that Dean and Seamus can start dating without attracting almost any attention. Ginny knows better than to expect it’s not a huge relief for both of them.

“Seamus hadn’t told anyone he’s gay before”, Dean tells her one day. “So, I guess I have to thank you for being a massive gossip magnet at the moment. It makes the whole thing a lot easier to navigate.”

Ginny finds herself grinning. “Any time. You look really happy together.”

“Thanks. And – you too.”

“Yeah …”

It’s their first real conversation since the breakup. They both stare around the half-empty common room, until finally, Ginny pats his shoulder, and says: “Well – I was gonna go and see Harry before class, so … take care, yeah?”

“See you around.”

With that, she climbs through the portrait hole.

As expected, she spots Harry in the crowded Charms corridor, miraculously without company. She can already feel several pairs of eyes following her, so she walks up to him with a wide grin and grabs his face with both hands before she kisses him.

He kisses her back rather more enthusiastically than expected. When they break apart, he’s smiling, really smiling, and says: “W-What was that one for?”

Ginny smirks. “I saw Michael coming this way.”

Harry quickly looks over his shoulder. Sure enough, Michael Corner is standing on the far end of the corridor, looking thoroughly annoyed.

“Oh, yeah”, he says, turning back to her. “Of course.”

“I can’t believe this is working. Tosser.” She suddenly grabs his hand, making Harry’s heart jump into his throat. “Here. I wanted you to have this.”

She pulls the Gryffindor-coloured scrunchie off her wrist and pushes it over his hand with a grin. “There.”

“Thanks”, Harry says, “but I don’t really suit ponytails.”

Ginny rolls her eyes at him, but grins. “Just don’t lose it, will you?”

“Wouldn’t dare.”

That’s a response that pleases her greatly. Before she can say anything, she notices Ron walk up to them, Lavender holding onto his arm with fierce determination. He comes to an awkward halt before he reaches Harry and Ginny, standing in the middle of the hallway.

“What are you looking at?”, Ginny asks him, loud enough for half the people present to hear.

Something flickers in Ron’s face. His ears turn a pale shade of red. “Nothing”, he says, his jaw clenching.

Ginny turns to Harry. “Also, there’s a Hogsmeade weekend in January. Reckon you’d like to go with me?”

“Last I checked, it was in the contract”, he says quietly, one eyebrow twitching.

“Oh. Yeah. Well, I have Herbology, so I’d better hurry. Hey, Ron! Watch and learn.”

With that, she stands on her tiptoes to kiss Harry goodbye, lingering a few seconds for good measure.

“See you later?”

“Definitely.”

Ginny makes it to Herbology only three minutes too late and counts that as a success. She slides into the seat next to Luna, who’s already put on her protective goggles, which enlarge her eyes even more than usual.

“You look pleased”, she observes.

Nothing quite like sticking it to your brother in front of two dozen people, Ginny reckons. Yes, that’s definitely it.

Even though there’s something rather unsettling about tickling the sleeping dragon only to find the dragon unwilling to reciprocate. Ginny and Ron don’t do the silent treatment. They do spectacular shouting matches that make the walls of the castle tremble. That’s how they work.

That’s how they’ve always worked.

“Excited for Slughorn’s party”, she says. “That’s all.”

There is exactly one person in the entire castle Ginny never expected to fool, and that’s Luna. Which is why she is surprised, to say the least, when Luna looks at her with her abnormally large eyes and says: “You know, I’m glad you’re going out. He makes you really happy, doesn’t he?”

“Uh … yes. Absolutely. Hm-hm.”

Ginny grabs her own protective goggles, pulls her Dragon-hide gloves over her fingers, and forcefully pushes Harry out of her mind.

Christmas is upon them before they see it coming. Seemingly overnight, the usual twelve Christmas trees – enormous and tinsel-laden as always – show up in the Great Hall. Shapeless, mushy snowflakes stick to the castle’s windows and soak the hems of their robes on their way to the greenhouses. Even the Gryffindors prefer to retreat to the comfort of the common room after class, and Peeves gets in trouble for attempting to strangle a group of second-years with a string of enchanted fairy lights.

On the night of Slughorn’s party, Harry spends twenty whole minutes trying to flatten his hair before he decides he’s fighting a losing battle. By the time he starts to wonder when exactly he started to care about his hair this much, he’s running late, so he all but jumps into his dress robes, tucks his wand into his pocket, and triple-checks that the scrunchie around his wrist is still there.

He rushes down into the common room and stumbles to a halt when he spots Ginny, who’s sitting on the arm of a sofa near the portrait hole.

Her red hair is cascading down her back in small, soft waves, explaining the thick, long braid she’d been sporting earlier. She’s wearing a dress made out of a velvety, pine-green fabric, with slim straps over her freckled shoulders.

“Uh. You look nice.”

She looks up. “I was just about to send a search team”, she smirks. “You too. Ready to go?”

“All set. And – you know, thanks for doing this.”

Ginny pats his arm. “Hey, I’m a girl who keeps her promises. You haven’t seen Hermione, have you? I looked for her in her dormitory, but I didn’t find her.”

“I guess she’s already there”, Harry says as they climb through the portrait hole. On the other side, Ginny grabs his hand.

“Who the hell shows up to a party early?”

Harry fights his grin in vain.

Slughorn’s party decoration is downright overwhelming at first glance. Every wall in his spacious office is draped in shimmery emerald, crimson and gold fabric, and Harry hasn’t taken five steps yet when he notices he’s got glitter in his hair.

“How?”, he says loudly, looking at the ceiling.

“Hold still”, says Ginny. She brushes over the top of his hair, causing Harry’s stomach to perform something that feels a lot like a spectacular nosedive.

Uh oh.

“All better”, she says. “Do you –”

“D’youwannagogetdrinks?”

Ginny’s eyes narrow in amusement. “Sure.”

They just about manage to grab a glass of champagne each when Slughorn spots them at last, his booming voice making half the room look up when he thunders: “Harry, m’boy!”

“Good evening, Professor …”

“And I see Miss Weasley is your date tonight!”, Slughorn roars good-naturedly. “Splendid!”

“Well, I’m his girlfriend”, says Ginny.

Harry chokes on his champagne. Ginny smirks and pats his back, letting her hand linger on the small of his back for the rest of the conversation.

They talk to Slughorn and the circle of people that slowly join the conversation until they decide with a silent exchange of glances they’ve killed enough time to sneak away. They find an empty table in a corner of the office and spend the next glass and a half people-watching, muttering jokes to each other and snickering under their breaths.

“Do you get tired of people begging you to let them write your biography?”

“Yeah, you know, I still haven’t figured out what that’s all about. I’ve had a very boring life.”

Ginny looks at him with a warm, fuzzy feeling filling her stomach that she blames on the champagne. “Yeah, well –”

Just then, they notice someone coming towards their table and look up.

“Hermione!”, Harry says when she reaches them. “Who are you running from?”

“Uhm”, says Hermione, who’s slightly out of breath and flushing under their stares. “Cormac … McLaggen.”

Harry blinks at her. “Cormac? You invited Cormac McLaggen?”

Hermione stubbornly refuses to look at him. “I figured it would annoy Ron the most.”

“Glad to hear we’re all on the same team here”, Ginny smirks, pushing her champagne glass towards her.

“Oh, no thanks, Ginny, I’ve already had plenty … well, I’ll leave you to it …”

She gives them both a weirdly knowing smile, and just like that, she’s gone.

“Does make you wonder”, says Ginny thoughtfully. “What do you reckon pisses Ron off more, Hermione dating McLaggen, or me dating you?”

“To be fair, he hasn’t murdered either of us yet. I’m taking that, by the way”, Harry says, reaching for her glass. “How come I didn’t know you’re such a lightweight?”

“Because no one gets drunk on butterbeer, which is extremely convenient for me, because I’m tiny, but I do have a reputation to protect. Hey, do you feel like dancing? Just reckon we should go and mingle before we start looking like complete tossers”, she adds.

“Sure.”

He takes her hand and together they make their way towards the dance floor, where several of the other guests are already swaying to the music.

“So, listen”, Ginny says quietly once they’re spinning on the spot, someone near the middle of the room. “I know meeting the parents wasn’t exactly part of the contract, but thanks for doing it anyway.”

“Well, Ron invited me way before this started”, he says.

“Yeah … plus, it would be a bit awkward to break up right before Christmas, wouldn’t it?”

“That’s definitely what I was thinking. Absolutely.”

They fall silent for a moment – the kind of quiet ringing of things unsaid. The music they’ve been dancing to fades out, but no new song starts playing.

Ginny leans closer and whispers: “Uhm, is there a reason half the people here are staring at us?”

Harry looks around. Indeed, the other guests seem to have formed a circle around them, all with a rather curious expression. Just as Harry begins to worry they may have heard too much, he catches Hermione’s eye, who stares at him so urgently he wonders if she’s attempting telepathy. She keeps covertly pointing her index finger at the ceiling without catching anyone’s attention.

“And we have a winner!”, Slughorn’s booming voice announces.

Ginny keeps poking his arm, so Harry looks back at her. “Kiss me. Quick.”

“What?”

And then he spots the mistletoe hanging over their heads.

Half of him wants to wonder how exactly that constitutes as winning anything, but that thought is quickly swept from his mind when Ginny grabs the front of his robes with the hand that isn’t resting on his shoulder. Harry feels himself lean into her when she pulls herself to her tiptoes, and then her lips press against his, leaving his mind blank for one blissful, fleeting moment. He only unfreezes when he feels her mouth leave his, pulling her closer for just a second – or five – longer, and they kiss, and kiss –

Ginny’s neck and cheeks look flushed when she finally takes a step back. She gives him a very odd smile before she grabs his hand, and together, they disappear from the curious onlookers. Harry spots Hermione looking rather smug before the circle around them slowly melts back into the chattering crowd it was moments earlier.

They don’t mention it for the rest of the night.

Under any other circumstances, bringing your boyfriend of one month home for Christmas would have been awkward, so it’s a good thing Ginny’s parents already adore Harry. This way, she can save herself the trouble of introducing him as “my boyfriend, Harry” and promptly watching her entire family jump to take a look at him like he’s some sort of exotic animal. As it is, she just grabs his hand before they walk through the front door, and firmly tells everyone to shut up as soon as they stop to stare. Fred dares to wolf-whistle exactly once and promptly points his finger at George when Ginny pulls out her wand. Still, between her mother looking perplexed, but pleased, and her father’s annoyingly unsurprised smile, the whole ordeal is about as bearable as it can be.

There’s still the tiny detail that they’re just pretending, of course.

They make it through dinner without any larger incidents, doing their utmost to change the subject as soon as their relationship comes up. Seeing as they’re trying to handle half a dozen nosy Weasleys at once, that proves to be impossible, so Ginny keeps her wand nearby just in case the twins’ jokes get too sleazy. Since Harry has a knack for sarcasm she’s rather fond of, she’s not too worried, but he doesn’t appear to be in the mood for witty comebacks. Instead, he’s weirdly quiet for most of Christmas Eve, leaving Ginny to do the heavy lifting.

“Alright, I’ve lost count. Remind me, Gin, Harry’s boyfriend number …?”

“Keep talking, George, and you won’t live to open your presents tomorrow.”

“And what kind of present is Harry going to –”

“You’re sure you want to finish that sentence? Really sure?”

Ginny and Harry end up being the last two people down in the kitchen, long after everyone else has gone upstairs – most of them, to wrap their presents at the last minute, she is sure of it. If all the other Christmases she’s ever experienced are anything to go by, at least half of them will sneak downstairs later in the night to stuff their presents under the Christmas tree unseen.

“Sorry about the interrogation”, Ginny says. Harry pulls himself onto the kitchen counter and shrugs.

“It’s fine. Honestly, it wasn’t as annoying as you think it was.”

“You’ve been weird”, she says bluntly, smirking at him. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing”, he says promptly. When she quirks an eyebrow, he says: “It’s just – uhm – a bit odd meeting the parents and all. You know, since it’s not actually real.”

“I get that. At least it’s for a good cause, yeah?”

Harry grins. “I know you’re mad at him and everything, and I don’t blame you, but he is my best mate. So I’m not legally allowed to call pissing him off a good cause. But thank you for going to the party with me. I’d rather it was you under the mistletoe than Romilda Vane.”

“Plus, we got to piss off my ex-boyfriend and your ex-girlfriend.”

“Yeah …”

They fall silent for a few seconds before they speak at once:

“I don’t care about pissing off Cho.”

“I don’t care about pissing off Michael.”

They look at each other, and then say, again in unison: “Oh.”

Ginny beats him to it. “You go first.”

Harry shrugs. “That thing with Cho was so short-lived, it was barely a relationship, you know?”

“Yeah.” She comes closer until she can lean against the kitchen counter, right next to where he’s sitting. “Michael’s kind of the same.”

“You were together for months, though, weren’t you?”

“I mean – yeah, but if you asked me what I saw in him, or if I ever even genuinely liked him, I honestly couldn’t tell you. I guess I thought I liked him, or I wouldn’t have gone out with him in the first place, but I don’t – know – anymore. So now I’m not sure how real any of it was.” There’s a weirdly tense pause, where she takes a deep breath, and shrugs. “Turns out I’m pretty bad at discerning what’s real and what isn’t. Between this, and the diary, it looks like it’s becoming bit of a pattern.”

She smirks, but Harry doesn’t reciprocate.

“I guess that didn’t make the breakup with Dean any easier”, he says after a beat of silence.

Ginny smiles flatly. “Dean’s not gay.”

“Huh?”

“He’s dating Seamus, yeah, but he’s not gay. He’s pan. So, you know, it’s not like there was never anything real between us. He didn’t break up with me because I’m a girl. It’s just that, at the end of the day, I’m not Seamus.” She shrugs. “I feel like I’m supposed to be more upset than I am, but … I figure if you like someone that much, and if you’re so sure, you should be with them.”

“Yeah”, says Harry, not looking away. His face looks unusually soft in the dim light.

“Bit of a mood-killer”, Ginny says with a half-hearted grin. “My bad.”

“It’s fine. I’ve been there.” When she looks at him, he shrugs and says: “Feeling like you can’t trust your own head? After everything that happened last year? Yeah, I get it.”

“I figured you would”, she says quietly.

And now it’s Harry’s turn to smile, that weird, unamused smile when there’s very little to smile about. “I’ve never told anyone that before.”

“It makes sense to me”, she says, placing one hand on his arm. If hearing that means half as much to him as it would to her, it’s the most valuable thing she could possibly say.

Neither of them looks away, so she can watch his smile change before her eyes. “Makes a nice change to have someone who doesn’t think you’re barmy when you tell them this stuff”, he says.

“Yeah.”

When did his face come so close?

“Well, I don’t think you’re barmy”, she says quietly.

“I don’t think you are, either.”

“Harry …”

And just as she holds her breath and leans into him, there’s a dull thump from the stairs, and they spin around. The sound of feet scampering up the steps and back to the first floor fades away.

“Sounded like the twins”, Ginny says into the silence.

“Yeah. Definitely two pairs of feet.”

They look at each other, but only briefly.

“So, anyway”, Harry says. “I think your Mum put up the camp bed in Ron’s room, so – she’s probably gonna expect me to sleep there.”

“She will”, Ginny says. “But Ron won’t. It’s gonna look weird if you don’t sleep with – in my room.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

Minutes later, Harry is lying on a dozen throw pillows and a Cushioning Charm on Ginny’s bedroom floor. They’re both staring at their respective bit of ceiling, until Ginny shifts on her mattress and says: “Merry Christmas, Harry.”

“Merry Christmas, Ginny.”

The silence stretches on and turns into the sound of slow, steady breathing. When she rolls over, propping her head up on her arm, Harry’s eyes are closed. His face looks more relaxed and centuries younger than it does most days.

She only watches him sleep for a few minutes. It hardly counts.

[deadly-kitten-kay]

We Can’t Be Together part 2

Here’s the continuation of this prompt as requested by @pherryt & @wild-herd-of-turtles

Warnings: there’s implied Jo/Ruby and Swearing...

Also over 2k words

Dean knew there was something up with Castiel before they even got to the party. His best friend normally joked about the drinking habits of undergrads and then finished his almost politician like spiel with “and that’s why we drink!” even though he never did. Castiel was always the one to make sure they made it back to their apartment.

But tonight, Castiel quietly picked at his dinner - which again was odd considering Castiel loved the barbeque double bacon and cheeseburger and could give Dean a run for his money in devouring the thing - only answering with a single word or a shrug. But Dean just shrugged the odd behavior off and the post-final blues.

That’s why they were going to the frat house to a party anyway. Everyone was celebrating. Finals were over. The stress of nightly cram sessions, trying to make words flow like liquid gold for term papers and pretending to like your classmates were over. By this time next year, they would be crossing the stage in a cap and gown. They will say goodbye to dick bag teachers, stupid assignments and for some, academics, for good and hello to crippling debt.

When they made it to the frat house, Jo Harvell found them. She immediately pulled Dean out to dance, needing his help in making the object of her desire notice her. He tried to protest, but it was useless. He had promised last weekend to be her wingman and she was cashing in. He just wishes he had a chance to tell Cas.

It wasn’t like Cas was his boyfriend. Not that Dean would object to it. After all, he had admitted to some that Castiel was definitely his type. And how could he not be? With his bright blue eyes, shy smile, dry humor, and thick, soft dark hair - Dean would know after having helped Castiel dye his hair freshman year for Halloween. Not only this, but Castiel was genuinely a nice person. Sure he had his moments where he was full of sass, bitchy, overdramatic and bad-tempered, but his compassion and empathy actually outweighed the negative aspects of his personality. And if Dean was honest, he could out sass a drag queen. Not that he’s trying to stereotype, in fact, his good friend Benny Lafitte -- or Paris A La Grande --  was one of the fiercest Queens he knew.

Sure, Dean had never been with another dude, but that didn’t stop him from fantasizing that Castiel would be that one. He was actually grateful when they moved off campus to their two bedroom apartment. It made it easier for Dean to indulge in those thoughts. He had learned really fast freshman year that Castiel was a light sleeper and while yes, it was hot as fuck thinking that Castiel caught him jerking off to thoughts of him, it was also embarrassing as fuck even if his mind wanted to confuse porn with reality.

Dean could tell Cas was upset the minute he caught the backside of his friend head into the kitchen. And after he chanced a look at Ruby, Jo’s unknowing victim, he knew his job was done. After shoving Jo in Ruby’s direction with the simple explanation of “Cas”, he had made his way to the kitchen.

Apparently, he wasn’t the only one to have noticed that something was off with his friend, as the look Ash had given him, actually frighten Dean a bit. Doctor Badass, as Ash liked to refer to himself, was a pleasant guy. He was a bit odd and Dean wondered if he had been dropped on his head a few times or thought they were still in the 70’s with the way he wore the mullet cut. But the thing about Ash is he was loyal. And he made that loyalty known. Especially with the way he gave Dean a death glare while talking to Cas.

But then there was the whole exchange with Cas. He sassed Dean for no apparent reason. Was willingly drinking tequila after swearing never to touch the stuff after he broke Dean’s nose last year. No matter how many times Dean tried to run the events leading to this through his head, he couldn’t fathom why Castiel was acting like this.

Dean’s brain flatlined when Castiel kissed him. He knew it was happening and with the force, his heart was pounding in his chest, he was almost sure Cas felt it too. When Dean did catch on to the fact that the soft lips pressed against his, or the tongue that licked at the seam was, in fact, his best friend, he felt like he was drowning. He wanted it, this so bad that he couldn’t help the little whimper that escaped him. He was being pulled under the current that was Cas. The sweet taste of the honey that he uses in his coffee and tea with the sharp bite of the tequila on Castiel’s tongue was better than any pie Dean had ever had. And, Dear God, his smell. A mix of the lavender fabric softener, the apple and mint scent of his shampoo… It was overwhelming.

But as much as he wanted this, as much as it felt right, there was something off about it too.

That’s why he pulled away. It wasn’t until he saw the tears in Castiel’s eyes did he realize how right he was. Something was wrong.

“I’m sorry,” was the only explanation Dean got before Cas pushed his way out of the crowd.

“Go you, idiot!” Ash yelled at Dean what felt like hours later but couldn’t have been more than a minute. And Dean listened, trying his best to catch up with Cas only to get outside in time to see brake lights in the distance.

“Fuck!” Dean shouted, his fist making contact with the outside paneling, making a few people jump in surprise. He gave them an apologetic smile. “Sorry…” he said lamely, making his way back inside.

“Ash!” Dean called out over the music. Someone had switched from the club music to Led Zeppelin, which had Dean not been internally freaking out over his best friend at the moment, he would have appreciated it. “Ash!” he shouted again to feel someone pull at his right arm.

He turned to see Jo’s concerned light brown eyes staring up at him.

“Are you okay,” she asked.

“Do I look okay?”

She sighed and shook her head. “What happened?”

“Fuck if I know! He was acting weird all day and then he tells me ‘Carpe Diem’ and kisses me before bolting. What the hell!?” Yes, Dean was raising his voice but he was confused and starting to get angry at the situation. It wasn’t like Cas to just run off like that. He usually forced Dean to face his fears and all that other bullshit.

“Why are you still here,” Ash asked looking at Dean as if he was a special kind of stupid.

“He left…”

“Okay, let me try this again. Why the fuck are you still here?” Dean winced at the Ash’s tone.

“He’s got a point, Dean. We all know how much Cas means to you, except Cas.” Jo added.

“Fuck, your right.” He looked at Jo. “You good,” he asked her.

She nodded and bit her lip as she looked over to where Ruby was. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“Don’t worry about Harvell. I’ll make sure she gets home okay.” Ash said, not so subtly pushing Dean back towards the door.

While the apartment was off campus, it wasn’t far from frat row. Possibly a ten-minute drive. But when you drive like Dean when he’s freaking out, you can get there in half the time. He quickly -- and very carefully -- parked his baby into his assigned spot before running into the building and up to the third floor.

“Cas!” he called out as he shoved the door open after unlocking the deadbolt. “Come on, Cas,” he muttered to himself as he moved to the far end of the apartment to where Cas’ room was. “Cas?” Dean knocked on the door.

His shoulders slumped when there wasn’t a response. He was sure Cas would have come home. After all where else would he have gone? Dean tried to remember if Cas had mentioned his sister or cousin were in town. As far as he knew, Anna was still on her honeymoon and Gabriel had the business meeting in Hollywood.

So where could Cas be?

Dean heaved a sigh and headed back to the south side of the building. Depositing his keys on the counter before going to his room to strip out of his boots and jeans. He made a last minute decision to throw on sweatpants, given the night earlier events. After all, he didn’t want to make things even more awkward should Cas give him a chance to talk.

After dressing for bed he shuffled his feet to the kitchen and grabbed himself a beer. He leaned against the counter and tossed the cap into the trash. Dean figured he should be happy that Castiel’s stuff was still here. So clearly he wasn’t bailing out on Dean.

Yet.

Uh-uh. Nope, Dean thought as he brought the cold brown bottle to his lips. He refused to think that this, miscommunication or whatever would cause Castiel to throw out years of friendship. Besides if he tried, Dean would stop him. He had to stop him. He couldn’t let Castiel think it was a mistake.

Sure the timing could have better and Dean totally could have reacted better but this was something they could work through.

The sound of the door opening brought Dean out of his thoughts causing him to look over.

“Why isn’t this locked? I could have-” Castiel stopped talking when he saw Dean standing in the kitchen staring at him. “Oh.”

“We need to talk, Cas.”

Castiel nodded, gently closing the door and throwing the deadbolt to lock. Dean watched as Castiel placed a bag on the table before he shrugged out of his trench coat to hang it next to Dean’s leather jacket. He toed off his sneakers then wordlessly pulled off the sweater he had on. Castiel avoided looking at Dean as he folded the sweater over the back of one of the dining room chairs before picking the bag back up and moving to the kitchen.

The distinct smell of cinnamon hit Dean as Castiel moved past him.

“Dude… Pie?”

Castiel nodded placing the bag on the counter and slowly pulling out the familiar packaging from their favorite bakery down the street.

“It was intended for you to find in the morning with a note,” Castiel explained as he balled up the bag to shove with the rest of their supply.

“Because you were planning on leaving,” Dean didn’t have to ask, he saw the way Castiel was folding in on himself. “If you wanted to leave you could have just said so,” Dean spat out, his tone icy and bitter and unintentional, but it made Castiel snap his head in his direction.

“What makes you think I want to leave?”

“Because you ran from me once already. And you’ve been acting fucking weird lately.”

“You’re impossible!” Castiel threw his hands up in the air.

“I’m impossible?” Dean questioned, placing his beer on the counter. “You’re impossible,” he mimicked Castiel as he stepped closer.

“Mature.”

Dean scoffs. “Like you have room to talk. You're the one that kissed me and ran. Was it that bad? Did I not use enough tongue? Too much tongue?” With each question, he stepped so close to Cas that he hand the poor guy pressed against the corner of the kitchen.

Castiel lets out a dark laugh. “Of course you’d take that as a blow to your ego. I should have guessed. You would never have thought that maybe the reason why someone ran from you is that it physically pains them to be nothing more than your friend. No instead, Dean fucking Winchester thinks he’s some sort of God's gift that would never have someone run from him.”

Dean lifted an amused eyebrow at Castiel. All he heard from Castiel’s rant or took out of it was that he wanted to be more than what they were. Dean placed his hands on the counter, effectively trapping Castiel between himself and the Formica top.

“What?” Castiel snapped when he saw the amused look on Dean’s face.

“You done,” Dean asked. “Cause I think I have a right to say something.”

“Please if it’s going to be something-”

Dean didn’t let Cas finish what he was saying because this time he was the one to crush his mouth to Castiel’s. This time he took the lead, sucking Castiel’s bottom lip into his mouth so he could nibble and entice him. Castiel whimpered and Dean could feel the man relax under him as his arms made their way around his neck.

Dean pulled away slightly, smiling at the look of dazed pleasure on Castiel’s face. He moved his hands down to Castiel’s thighs, sliding behind them and lifting him up to the counter so that Dean could slip between the V of his legs.

“We should totally talk about what this means,” Castiel breathed, pulling Dean closer and wrapping his legs around Dean’s hips.

Dean nodded, brushing his lips against Castiel’s. “Totally,” he breathed pecking another kiss from him.

“Later,” Cas muttered, smiling against Dean’s lips.

“Plenty of time,” Dean agreed before taking over Castiel’s mouth again.

[palominopup]

Dean has known for days that Cas and his boyfriend, some douche named Adam, have moved back to Lawrence. Not that he cares. He doesn’t. He’s happy with Anna. He is.

He looks over at her sleeping form as he slips his shoulder holster over his head and buckles it. He slides his Berretta inside and then pulls on his jacket. Without bothering to kiss her goodbye… she’s sleeping and there is no need to wake her… Detective Dean Winchester leaves for work.

The day is dark and rainy and it fits Dean’s mood. His partner even comments on it. “Who shit in your Wheaties, Winchester?”

“No one,” Dean answered shortly and Benny shut his mouth. They barely spoke for the rest of their shift. He was happy, damn it. Cas coming back after all these years didn’t matter. What they had once didn’t matter. That ship sailed and sunk a long time ago.

On his way home, he stops at the red light before turning on to Livingston Street and he swears the gods are out to get him, because he sees Cas getting out of a dark green Mustang convertible. He’d recognize that hair and that fine ass anywhere. He fights back a memory… one better left alone.

“Dean, stop, you’re going to make me late for work.” Cas was giving him that half smile and swatting his hand away. The hand that was cupping the left cheek of his gorgeous ass.

“You love it when I make you late for work,” Dean had said, bringing his head down to steal a kiss.

“Not today. You know how important this case is.”

Dean shook his head to clear the image of that morning. The morning that changed everything and cost him the man he loved. He hit the gas to fast and the tires squealed. Cas turned and saw him. He was hard to miss in the jet black Impala. Their eyes locked for a split second before Dean floored it and careened through the intersection.

That night, Anna and Dean sat through a silent dinner. Both picked at their food. “I’m going to go work a little,” she said quietly. Dean didn’t respond. He watched her walk away, her red hair midway down her back. She was so pretty. When was the last time they had sex? God, had it been so long that he had to even think about it?

He finished watching his favorite sitcom and stood up to stretch. He’d taken off his suit earlier and was just in a pair of sweats from his police academy days and a ratty t-shirt. He shuffled down the hall and stopped at the door of the extra bedroom they’d made into an office. Anna glanced up from her computer. “I’m going to bed. You comin’?” Maybe he could end their dry spell.

“No. I still have a few things to do.” Her eyes went back to the screen, casting her in a bluish glow. He drifted to their bedroom, not really disappointed she’d turned him down. Exhausted and not knowing why, Dean fell asleep. He was awakened much later by his phone vibrating on the nightstand. As a detective, he expected calls in the middle of the night. He picked up the phone and got out of bed, careful not to wake his girlfriend.

Once he was safely in the living room of their small apartment, he answered without looking at the screen. “Winchester,” he said abruptly, his usual greeting to the precinct.

“Hello, Dean.” The voice sent a shiver up his spine. Three years, six months and no, he wasn’t pathetic enough to count the days…

“Cas. Why are you calling me so late?” Not, why are you calling me at all. Dean found he didn’t care about the whys. Dean thought he heard a sniffle. “Cas, are you crying? Is everything okay?” Dean whispered, glancing down the hall to their darkened bedroom doorway. He should have closed it behind him.

“I saw you today and…” the low voice that reminded him of tangled sheets and breathless moans was filled with sadness.

“Cas… Anna is asleep… I shouldn’t…” God, why had he mentioned her. He doubted Cas even knew he was living with someone. Someone else… someone who was not Cas…could never be Cas.

“Adam moved out tonight,” Cas stated. No emotion. It was like he was saying it was cold outside. He knew Cas met Adam Milligan right after he moved to Houston. Dean also knew they moved in together a year later. He also knew that Adam was a writer for a huge news magazine. Dean knew these things because he was a detective and had access to shit like that. He wasn’t supposed to use it for private inquiries, but everyone did it. Shit, he’d run a background check on Anna before he’d asked her on a second date.

“Oh.” Dean didn’t know what to say to that. He closed his eyes. “I’m sorry, Cas.” He sank down on the sofa, his head back against the cushion. He stared at the ceiling and wished for guidance.

“I’m not. It was over a long time ago. Maybe even before it started,” came the whispered words.

“Sometimes…sometimes, I wish she was you,” Dean said and then realized he’d stated his thoughts out loud. He wanted to call the words back. He knew he had never moved on. Cas had been the love of his life. Why did Dean have to go and ruin it?

“Dean…” The way Cas said his name, so sweet, brought more memories out of the deep recesses of his mind.

“Dean, please… I love you.” The words had ripped Dean’s heart to shreds. He’d held onto his rigid posture until Cas walked out… for good.

He’d never come back for his things. They were boxed up in Sam’s garage.

“Angel, we really shouldn’t be talking. I wanted you to move on. Find someone better than me,” Dean squeezed the phone tighter. The nickname had slipped out. Castiel was named for an angel by his conservative parents. Dean called him ‘Angel’ the whole time they were together. He hoped Cas wouldn’t pick up on it.

“Please don’t call me that,” Cas said softly.

“Sorry, just habit.” By the silence on the other end, Dean knew his words found their mark and scored a direct hit.

“I shouldn’t have called. Goodbye, Dean.” Shit… he didn’t want him to hang up. He didn’t want the conversation to end like that… not on a bad note.

“No, Cas… wait.” Wait for what? For Dean to think about asking to meet Cas somewhere… for a drink… maybe coffee… maybe more. No, he wasn’t a cheater. Anna didn’t deserve that. He listened to Cas breathe for a few moments as he gathered his courage. “Do you ever dream about me, Cas?”

Dean heard the swift intake of breath. “I do. I even thought of you when Adam…” Cas bit off the words and Dean felt a brief sense of satisfaction. “He was good to me. I let him down.”

 “How?” Dean couldn’t imagine Cas letting anyone down. The man was perfect.

 “He never thought he measured up to you. I may have made you a bigger than life. He knew he couldn’t compete. He didn’t want to come here.”

 “Why did you come back, Cas?”                

 “I was offered my old job back, with more benefits… more money.” Cas had worked for the DA’s office. He’d been overworked and underpaid, but he loved being someone who worked hard to get the bad guys off the streets. That’s how they’d met. Cas dressed him down on a collar he’d made. Made him feel really stupid in front of everyone. That was the first night they’d had sex. It was angry and rough and fuck, if Dean didn’t start falling for the disheveled guy in the oversized trench coat. “Adam insisted that I take it. He said he could do his job anywhere.”

 “What happened?” Dean knew Cas would understand the question he was asking. He wasn’t wrong.

 “Tonight…after seeing you today…I…I made the mistake of telling Adam. I don’t keep things from him…” Dean imagined Cas biting his lip, his blue eyes filled with sorrow. Cas wouldn’t hurt anyone on purpose. Unlike Dean. Unlike the night Dean stared into those beautiful eyes and lied.

 “You told him you saw me and he moved out? What the hell, Cas?” There was more to the story. There had to be.

 “I told him that I saw you… and realized that I never… never got over you.” Dean banged his head on the back of the couch over and over again. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

 “Cas…I can’t do this…Anna is in the next room, man. I shouldn’t even be talking to you.”

 “I know.” And just like that, he hung up.

 “Fuck,” Dean growled, throwing the phone across the room in a fit of anger. The ‘what ifs’ swirled in his mind and made his stomach knot.

 “I knew you still cared for him. I just didn’t realize how much.” Dean startled and stood up quickly. He spun to face Anna. She was leaning against the doorway, her expression unreadable. Anna knew about Cas. He’d told her. Granted he’d been drunk at the time.

 “Anna… it’s not…” She shook her head slowly and Dean closed his mouth.

 “Dean, I love you. I have for a long time, but I knew from the beginning that your heart belonged to someone else. To him. I don’t know what happened between you, but if you still have those feelings, maybe you should see…”

 “No, there isn’t… I can’t fix what I broke.” Dean didn’t bother to tell her she was wrong about his feelings for Cas. He wouldn’t disrespect her like that.

 She moved forward. She wore the silky boxers and camisole that Dean used to find sexy as fuck. Now, they could have been a long flannel nightgown for all the good it did for his libido. She motioned him to sit back down and she sat across from him on the edge of the coffee table. Their knees barely touching. “I had a job offer last week. In New York. I’m going to take it.” Dean simply stared at her, blinking stupidly. “I was going to turn it down to see if…if we could move past this bump in our…relationship, but now I know that it will be for the best.”

 “But…” Dean started, but found he had no words. What could he say? Should he beg her to stay? To give him another chance?

 Her smile was soft and she reached out to take his hand. “Love is hard, Dean. Even if you can’t fix what you broke, perhaps you replace it one day. I just can’t be the replacement.”

 Dean nodded and squeezed her hand. She stood up and brushed her lips over the top of his head. He heard the bedroom door close. He closed his eyes again and let the memories come.

 There had been a shooting and a cop was killed. Dean didn’t come home. He went to a bar instead. He didn’t remember the drive home, but he remembered Cas standing there when he dropped his keys on the floor of the foyer, cursing at the loss of a life. When he looked up, he saw relieved blue eyes through his own drunken ones. “I heard on the news an officer was shot. I couldn’t reach you on your phone. I was scared.”

 “Yeah, well, I’m just fine, Angel.” Instead of sounding like a nickname between lovers, it came out sarcastic and full of hatred. Not at Cas, never at Cas, but the world in general.

 “You’re drunk,” Cas had stated, the relief changing to anger.

 “Sure am.”

 “Dean…” It was the soft pitying tone that did it. Add to that, several downed whiskeys and you had a recipe for disaster.

 “Stop it, Cas. Stop loving me. Stop waiting up for me to come home. I don’t need you. I don’t need this,” he’d waved his hands between them. “I don’t love you,” he lied.

 What Cas didn’t know was that after he walked out that night, dressed in a pair of old jeans and Dean’s ‘Relax I’m a Cop’ t-shirt, Dean fell to his knees and cried. Cried because he lost a brother on the force, but mostly because he just lost the best thing to ever happen to him.

 Sam found him the next day, passed out on his kitchen floor with an empty bottle of vodka next to him. It had been Cas’ good stuff. Imported from Russia. Sam had manhandled him into the shower and turned on the cold water. He’s shrieked and fought, but in the end, he’d sank down into the tub and cried even more. Several pots of strong coffee later, he’d told Sam about his night. “See Sam, I can’t put Cas through anything like that. If something were to happen to me…”

 It sounded good at the time, but the real reason he’d drove Cas away was because he wasn’t good enough. Cas was all power suits and law degrees. Dean was a beat cop that was lucky enough to have a gold shield. Cas liked classical music and books, Dean listened to classic rock and when he read, it was Vonnegut or muscle car magazines. Cas was good. Too good for the likes of Dean Winchester. Dean just broke up with Cas before Cas could see him for what he truly was. A loser.

 Two weeks later, Anna supervised the movers. She’d left him with most of the furniture, but the shelves and closets were bare. She came to him in the bedroom, where he was staring out the window at the moving van. “Guess that’s it,” she said softly, coming up behind him. She didn’t touch him. There had been no intimacy since Cas’ phone call and her announcement. Honestly, there hadn’t been much before, at least not in the last three or four months. He’d spent the nights he was at home on the couch. Most nights though, he’d spent on the ratty sofa in the break room at the precinct, showering in the locker room. If anyone noticed, they didn’t say anything.

 “I’ll miss you,” Dean said honestly. It would be hard to come home to an empty apartment. Shit, maybe he should think about buying a place near Sam. Something small… maybe a fixer-upper he could work on in his spare time.

 “I’ll miss you too, Dean.” She stepped closer and kissed his cheek. “Take care of yourself.” When she turned to go, Dean didn’t watch. Another chapter in his life had closed. It hurt, but it wasn’t even close to the pain he’d felt when Cas left.

 “Hey, Winchester, I need you to run this over to the courthouse,” the chief called out over the usual din of the bullpen the next day.

“Seriously, Chief, it’s almost lunchtime. Can’t you get a uniform to do it?” He was beaned in the back of the head by his friend, Charlie, who was wearing a uniform. He shrugged at her. “Hey, I worked hard to wear this suit. You gotta pay your dues, kiddo.”

 “Well, I’m paying your ass to work,” Chief Singer said, slamming the folder onto his messy desk. Dean rolled his eyes and gave a put-upon sigh, but he stood up. He picked up the file and was in his car before he even glanced at it. It was addressed to one Assistant District Attorney C. Novak.

 “Shitshitshit.” Bobby, his godfather and his boss, knew how bad the breakup had been on Dean. He fucking knew. Why was he doing this to him? Dean knew he was bound to run into Cas on occasion, but he hoped it would be a long time coming.

 When he got out of the Impala, he bent to look into the side mirror to straighten his tie. He took a deep breath and took the marble steps two at a time. He waved to the guard that was on duty and stepped around the metal detector. No need to set it off with his gun. He took the elevator to the third floor and started reading the brass plaques to find the newest one. Noting Cas hadn’t gotten his old office back, Dean kept walking. Cas’ door was open and he took a minute to watch the man, his dark messy head bent over a pile of paperwork. Dean knocked on the doorjamb. “Heya, Cas.” Blue eyes widened and Dean, an expert at body language, saw the way Cas’ hands twitched before he hid them under his desk. He was nervous, but not overly so. Had he been expecting him?

 “Dean. It’s good to see you.” Dean raised an eyebrow. How could he be so cool when Dean’s heart was beating like a set drums at a Metallica concert?

 “Yeah, well, I was told to deliver this,” Dean said, setting the folder on Cas’ desk and taking a few steps back.

 “Thank you. Bobby said I would be getting it today,” Cas stated matter-of-factly, picking up the file and opening it.

 “So, you’ve talked to Bobby?” Cas stopped pretending to read, Dean wasn’t stupid after all, and looked up.

 “He’s the Chief of Police, Dean. I’m an assistant DA. We run in the same circles.” Dean picked up on the slight tremor in Cas’ voice. Yeah, the bastard wasn’t as unaffected as he seemed.

 “Uh huh. So, he tell you Anna moved out?” Dean saw the pink tinge to Cas’ cheeks and knew his answer. “Son of a bitch,” Dean fumed. “Sam talk to you too?” He snapped out the question and noted Cas didn’t meet his eyes. “Fuck.”

 “Dean, Sam and I… we were friends once.” They were. Good friends. They might argue like cats and dogs in the courtroom, since Sam was a public defender, but after the gavel came down, the two of them would hit the bar and have a beer together.

 “Well…I’m glad you and he…” Dean stopped talking when he met Cas’ eyes. He was looking at him like he used to…like he loved him. Dean’s gaze dropped to Cas’ lips. Those beautiful lips. Cas stood up and walked around the desk. He stuck his hand out and for a second, Dean didn’t know why. “Thank you for dropping the file off, Dean. Perhaps I will see you around.” Dean took the outstretched palm and shook it.

 “Yeah…maybe.” Dean held onto the hand and felt the warmth there. He imagined that same hand on his back, on his neck, on his…” He released it like it was made from molten lava and took another step backward, hitting the edge of the door with a resounding thud. “Uhm, bye.”

 Dean was down the hall and around the corner to the elevators when he finally stopped to catch his breath. He sank to the floor, his legs sprawled out on the old tile.

Several people looked at him strangely, but no one took the time to ask if there was a problem. What would he say? The man I tossed out of my pathetic life… the man who I still fuckin’ love… is just around the corner and I don’t know what to do. Yeah, that would be a riot.

 He didn’t know how long he sat there, but eventually his ass went to sleep and he struggled to his feet. He pulled out his phone and called the precinct. “It’s Winchester. Let me talk to the chief.” Dean waited, listening to the stupid elevator music until Bobby picked up.

 “Singer.”

“It’s me.”

 “Sorry, kid. I know you are probably pissed at me, but I think you and Cas need to…”

 “Stop, Bobby.” Dean pinched the bridge of his nose. “Just stop. Cas is… Cas doesn’t…”

 “He still loves you. I don’t know why. You are a real dumbass sometimes. No accounting for taste I guess.”

“Bobby…” Dean couldn’t do this.

“Take the rest of the day. Go home.”

“Okay,” Dean mumbled softly. He was just too tired to argue.

“And son, no booze.” Dean laughed mirthlessly. Bobby and Sam had pulled him out of the bottle quite a few times after Cas left. No, that’s where he was wrong. Cas never left. Dean pushed him out, but the specter of what they had lived on. It was in bed with him and Anna. It was in the passenger seat of the Impala. It was packed in untouched boxes in Sam’s garage. It was in the fucking picture he still carried in his wallet.

Home was empty. A big-screen TV didn’t greet you with a kiss. Dean walked around the small apartment that had served as his and Anna’s home for the last year. He didn’t miss her. Not like that anyway. He missed a warm body to take up space. Maybe he should get a dog.

He sat down on the sofa and stared at the screen of his phone for a long time. He thought about taking a drink to give him some courage, but no, he needed to be sober. He scrolled through until he got to the unknown number and made it into a contact. Cas. He tapped the icon and waited, unbreathing, as it rang against his ear.

“Hello, Dean.”

“I never stopped loving you.” Dean laid back on the couch, eyes closed.

“And I never stopped loving you. I never will.”

“We need… can we take this slow?” Dean asked, not really sure what he was doing.

“As slow as you need.”

“What time do you get off, Angel?” Dean asked, wanting… no, needing to believe he could have this again.

“I can leave now.”

“The usual place?”

“Of course, Dean.” Dean sat up and wiped his eyes. Stupid allergies. He went into his bedroom to change into jeans.

Twenty minutes later, he parked the Impala in a small lot and stepped into a tiny bakery. Cas was already sitting in ‘their’ booth, slices of pie waiting on the table. Cas’ eyes tracked him across the room. “I hope you don’t mind, but I ordered your favorite.”

“You were always too good for me, Angel.”

“I’d hoped you’d have gotten smarter, but we can work on that.” Dean smiled at the offhanded promise of a future.

They ate in comfortable silence and when they were done, Dean tossed a twenty on the table and stood. He held out his hand and Cas took it. Not a handshake this time. Fingers intertwined like hundreds of times in the past. Dean refused to think about the lost time. The three years, six months, twelve days and four hours. Because he was that pathetic. And he was in love.

[themoonandotherslikeit]

The Daughter of a Righteous Man- Chapter 18

*SEQUEL TO THE LOOK IN HER EYES*

After her husband is drug to Hell, Ava Winchester and her brother in law Sam try their best to do right by Dean and raise her daughter, only to find that good intentions aren’t always enough. Loving someone isnt always enough.

Chapter Eighteen, Help Me Unravel My Latest Mistake

Ava

I was in bed at seven pm. I justified it because Nel was fed and fell asleep in her swing when I was doing my dishes from the cereal I ate for dinner, and it was already dark outside.

I kept rolling over and back over again. I took off my sweatshirt and put it back on. I was uncomfortable in my skin.

Lacey is on a date. How could she go on a date in my time of need?

I knew the answer, of course. She had a fucking life! She's been a good friend, but maybe it was time that I listened to her, stopped wallowing, won back my man, or at least got the nerve to call him.

I wondered if he missed me too.

I sat up and looked at the bedside table clock. Seven twenty five. Wow. Time sure does crawl. I flung my legs over the side of the bed and unplugged my cellphone. It was fully charged, and had been all week. That's what happens when you don't have a husband to text. 

I sighed and dialed Bobby, giving in.

"Hey kiddo."

"Uncle Bobby, hi," I exhaled a deep sigh. 

"Everything okay?"

"Umm... I was actually hoping you knew where Dean was." Maybe it wasn't fair to call him.

He sighed into the phone. "Have you tried to call him?"

"He won't take my calls, Bobby. I get it, we fucked up. You warned me."

"You're not hearing an I told you so from me. Don't worry about that,” he said gently.

But I was worried about it. I saw the annoyed look on Johns face when he picked up Nel for Dean. It was judgmental. Like, yeah okay maybe I'm a bad wife, but you were a shit father. We all make mistakes.

"Thanks. So do you know where he is?"

"He's on a case with Sam. They had an apocalypse lead."

I sat up straighter, fighting the urge to rip off my sweatshirt again. Heat rose up my neck and onto my face. "What? He's with Sam?"

"That's what his text said at least."

I stared blankety ahead of me. "So he can forgive Sam and not me..." I didn't realize I'd said it out loud until Bobby commented.

"Honey I'm not sure it's like that. Those brothers have literally been through hell..."

"Trust me, Bobby, I haven't forgotten."

I was angry. There was no denying that. I refused to let them keep me in the doghouse alone. Lacey was right, I don’t just roll over and take it. I wasn't that kind of girl. "Bobby can you come by my house and watch Nel? I need to find them. If there's something to fight I'm going to fight it, and I'm going to fight for my marriage."

"You got it."

Dean

Anna caught me off guard when she pressed her lips to mine. She knew what I did and yet she still wanted to kiss me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and grabbed the back of my shirt in her fist, pulling it over my head.

I didn't think before I shrugged her jacket off her shoulders. She reached down and pulled off her own shirt, pressing her chest against mine. She reached up, pressing her hand to Castiel's handprint on my shoulder. Angels are seeming more and more like the bad guy, but there I was. Who was I kidding anyway? I was a bad guy, and Anna knew. She knew, and she didn't care.

I picked her up easily, her thighs wrapping around my waist. This room of the barn was obviously treated as a safe room. There was a vanity, a pull out couch, and a small dresser. I walked us to the couch, laying her down. She unbuttoned her jeans and lifted her hips so I could pull them off. I followed her instructions like it was habit, kissing my way down her exposed skin.

She was pale under me, her green eyes intense. She propped herself up on her elbows to kiss me again. It was slow, but precise. When I kissed her I didn't have to think about where I'd been or what happened while I was there. I was just a guy in the moment. A guy who would have some serious fucking consequences when this was all over, but maybe that's what I wanted deep down. Maybe I wanted to be unforgivable. It always made more sense for Ava and Sam to be together. They were smart, they were more than this shitty life. Unlike me. I was born for it.

I wiggled out of my own pants and stared down at Anna. She was breathing heavily, her world rocked. She still had a fresh bandage on her arm. She wasn't human, and there was something horribly comforting about that.

She hooked her thumbs in her underwear and pulled them down, staring at my own. This was the moment. I could turn back mostly unscathed. I love my wife, but looking at Anna, I knew I didn't deserve Ava. I never did.

I held myself up with one hand so I could discard them to the side.

When I pushed inside her she gasped, as if she was surprised. I honestly was. I buried my face in the crook of her neck, worried I was going to lose my shit and cry all over this beautiful woman.

She flipped us over and stared down at me, her hands on my chest. I felt a tear roll down my cheek, and she didn't kiss it away or wipe it. She just stared at me as she grinded against me. It was like she was seeing past my skin into my soul. She was watching me crack and break in two. I grabbed ahold of her shoulder blades and pulled her back to my mouth, just so I could stop her eyes. Just so I could stop the pain.

————————-

The man who was with Castiel stood in front of me. I knew now that his name was Uriel. "Dean,” he said casually, tilting his head to the side.

"I'm dreaming," I said suddenly. The last thing I remembered was stroking the length of Anna's spine as we drifted to sleep.

"That's correct,” Uriel said slowly. "Give us, Anna. She is no use to you."

"Yeah, I'll pass."

He frowned. "I must say that it won't end well for you. She doesn't have her grace. She is no good to you."

"Actually." I stepped toward him. "She does. Full blown angel now," I lied out my ass.

He smirked. "That's funny, because I have her grace here,” he said, pulling an amulet from around his neck. "Try again, Dean."

I winced.

"I see what's going on here," Uriel said, looking me over. "You got a slice of angel food cake."

"Cute." I snorted. "Come up with that one all yourself?"

He eyed my wedding ring. "I suppose Hell does change a man."

I frowned. "Well you're the one trying to kill an innocent girl, so who is the real bad guy here?"

"Oh Dean she is far from innocent."

"How does Castiel feel about this? He's your boss, right?"

"Castiel isn't here. It's best that way. He has...attachments to you. He likes you."

I frowned harder. I wasn't sure how to feel about that. "Well, I'm a likeable guy."

"I'd disagree."

"Of course you would."

"We can't let Hell get it's hooks in her."

"So just give her the angel juice back," I said as if it were that simple.

"She committed a serious crime."

"What? Thinking for herself?"

"This is our business, not yours. She's not even human. Not technically." Uriel clenched his fist. "This is your last chance. Give us the girl or..."

"Or what? What, you're gonna toss me back in the hole? You're bluffing."

"Try me," he growled. "This is a whole lot bigger than the plans we got for you, Dean. You can be replaced."

"Well go ahead and do it."

"You're just crazy enough to go, aren't you?"

"What can I say?" I countered. "I don't break easy."

Uriel smiled at that. It wasn't a big gesture. It was small and somehow much more menacing. "Oh yes, you do. You just got to know where to apply the right pressure. I will see you soon, Dean, and I promise you that you will give us the girl. Or you will live to regret it."

Ava

It was concerning how easy it was to find Sam and Dean. I really needed to go over how to better cover their tracks in the future. I walked up and pushed my way into the unlocked back door. What is this amateur hour? I shook my head. They needed me way more than they were willing to admit.

I heard movement above me, and so I climbed the stairs.

I put a lot of work into my appearance. I was wearing lipstick and eyeliner. What Dean liked to call my ass-hugging-jeans, and a top that showed just enough cleavage. I straightened my hair, and once again I felt like I was attractive enough to hopefully stop his rage enough to have him talk to me.

I got to the top of the stairs and pushed open the old wooden door. I saw his jacket hung over a chair, and I smiled with relief. He was here.

That smile quickly faded when my eyes caught a mop of red hair sprawled across his bare chest. They were tangled on the couch asleep, their feet hanging off the side. I could see everything. His hand absentmindedly stroking her back in his sleep. Like he did with me.

"Oh my god."

I was going to be sick.

His eyes opened at the sudden sound of my voice, and his guilty green globes met mine. I shook my head and immediately ran down the stairs, making a lot of noise on my way down. 

"Ava wait!"

I didn't wait. This was a mistake! I should've stayed in bed. I pushed back outside and started coughing and spiting. My hands were on my knees as I was doubled over. Do I deserve this?

I stood up and made my way to my car when the door behind me busted open. Dean was wearing his jeans and black t-shirt. He didn't even bother putting on his shoes. His hair was still messy from the sex, and looking at him gave me physical pain.

"It..."

"Do not insult me by saying it wasn't what it looked like."

"It was what it looked like," he said defeated.

"Goodbye, Dean." I turned away from him, my gut twisting painfully. 

"Hey!" He called, jogging to me. He grabbed my arm. "You don't get to do that."

"You don't get to fuck another girl and then ask me to be reasonable." I tired to pull my arm away, but he wouldn't budge.

"That's what you've been trying to do all week."

"Oh my god, Sam and I are not the same as whatever is going on here." I gestured at the barn loosely, his arm still connected to mine. 

"You're right. You were in a relationship. Yours is worse."

I looked at him, infuriated. I wanted to slap him. Scream. I tried to calm my breathing, instead. "What do you want me to say?"

"Say that it wasn't okay."

I laughed. I didn't mean to, but it was just so fucking stupid. "You were dead, Dean. You were fucking gone. I was pregnant and alone. I was broken. I was a corpse, and I didn't recognize myself. You cannot blame me for finding whatever I could to deal with losing you. Sam was the only thing that kept me alive."

He flinched, and I could tell my words hurt him. Maybe they needed to hurt, because he needed to understand. "I didn't do it to hurt you. We both tried to sell our souls. I met with so many people. I did research. I met with a witch and she said there was no getting you back. I couldn't go in our room for months, and when I finally did I read your note and... I don't know. Maybe I should've found another way, but I will not apologize for keeping both Sam and I afloat."

I watched his neck move as he swallowed hard. "Were you in love with him?" He asked quietly.

"I never stopped loving you," I told him, honestly. "But I love him too. I love him in a way that is unique to Sam and I. But no.. I don't think I was ever in love with him."

Dean closed his eyes and shook his head. "He's in love with you."

"I can't help that. All I can help is what I feel."

He nodded a bit as if he understood, but there was something else going on in his expression. His face was twisted.

"You turn to explain."

"Anna is a fallen angel."

"Anna." I frowned. "She's an angel." I knew I must've sounded like a fucking parrot, but I couldn't help it. I was flabbergasted. When I first met Dean I suspected he was the kind that fucked around, but when I fell for him I never thought he would do it to me. Maybe I was stupid. Maybe there is a better explanation.

"We helped her. The angels and demons want her. She is missing her powers."

"So you thought you should protect her."

"Yes."

"With your penis?"

He laughed humorlessly. "No... we were just talking as I was sewing up one of her wounds. She was telling me why she wanted to fall. Why she would give up power to be a puny human. I guess the stuff she was saying made sense to me."

I frowned. I didn't like his answer so far.

"She knows things about what happened to me in Hell." I could tell it was hard for him to say, he looked like he was choosing his words carefully. "Things that I can't say out loud. Things that I did."

"I don't understand. What are you saying?"

Dean took my hands in his. "I wasn't in Hell for four months, Ave. I don't know.. time worked differently there. It was more like forty years."

I winced. Oh my god.

"They, uh... They sliced and carved and tore at me in ways that you couldn't imagine. Until there was nothing left. And then, suddenly... I would be whole again... like magic... Just so they could start in all over." He blinked tears away. "And Alastair... at the end of every day... every one... he would come over. And he would make me an offer. To take me off the rack. If I put souls on. If I started the torturing."

"Dean," I whispered, suddenly forgetting about Anna or our fight. I could see the pain in his expression. I held his face in my hands.

"Every day, I told him to stick it where the sun shines. For thirty years, I told him. But then I couldn't do it anymore, Ave. I couldn't. And I got off that rack. God help me, I got right off it, and I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls... The things I did..." He collapsed against me, letting it all out. I could feel his body racked with sobs.

"Dean, you held out so much longer than anyone could have. You lasted thirty years." I understood more now. It was easier to be hated for adultery than to have to face his demons. Especially since he thought I was in love with Sam.

"How I feel... what's inside me. Fuck, I wish I couldn't feel anything. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing."

Sam

Anna came running down the stairs. Ruby and I were trying to make a plan. She didn't think we should help. I chalked it up to the fact that she's a demon and is a little self centered, because we were obviously helping.

"Sam, the angels are talking again," Anna said out of breath.

"What are they saying?"

"It's weird. Like a recording on a loop. It says: Dean Winchester gives us Anna by midnight, or..."

I stood up. "Or what?

"...or we hurl him back to damnation."

I swallowed hard. "Anna.. Do you know of any weapon that works on an angel?”

"To what? To kill them?"

I nodded.

"Nothing we could get to... Not right now."

"We need to tell Dean." I pushed past her. Fuck, what are we going to do?

"I think he's outside," Anna said, pulling her sleeves over her hands.

"Thanks." I walked out the door. "Dean?" I shouted.

I stopped in my tracks when I saw them illuminated in the moonlight. Ava and Dean were tangled together. They turned to me looking surprised that I was there, like I'd interrupted a moment between them.

My fingers twitched at my side. They were getting back together. I didn't know why I was surprised. Of course she would pick him.

"Sammy?"

"The angels are talking again. We have two hours before they come for Anna or you're going back to Hell."

"Shit."

"Yeah not great," I said glumly, turning away from them.

"Sam wait!" Ava called out to me.

I turned, and there we were again. She was standing between us. In the middle of a fucking storm.

—————

Chapter Nineteen, Fragile Love

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