#then I read something someone else had written that used a similar thought

[googleitlol]

Two questions! Well, one’s more like a prompt/scenario, but I’m still saying it!

Do you have any plans on getting back to your “The Memory of You” fanfic in the future? Because I’m a certified Macaque wimp (right there with Wukong) and I’m dying to know everything that happened between him and Lian!😭

And second:

I just got myself Black Myth Wukong brainrot and I randomly thought of a situation where Dove would wake up from a nightmare about Wukong’s death, and she instinctively places a hand over the Destined One’s heart to hear it beating because of his resemblance and everything. And the Destined One just helps hold her hand to his chest and resting his own hand over hers until she calms down🥲💘💞

1) Omg tbh I didn't realise ppl were still reading that one! I'm focusing on PoM rn so I don't think I'll be getting to it anytime soon unfortunately. I do wanna continue it tho, and rewrite some stuff too! My google doc is so big for TMoY that if you wanted, I could totally answer some asks about it. Since I'm focusing on Dove and Wukong rn, I wouldn't mind sharing some secrets about Lian and Macaque's past (I will yap so much abt them, I love Lian she's my sweetheart).

I also took a break from writing that fic because, uhhhhh… I had only seen part of season 4 when I started writing the backstory for Lian, did some research into chinese mythology and legends I could pull from… then after posting a bunch of chapters, I watched the rest and realised I accidentally made her backstory/creation extremely similar to someone else (if you're caught up on the show, you'll know who I'm talking about). They both involve, uh… similar people?? So I got spooked and decided to wait a bit to see if that character's backstory would be like what I'd written for Lian and… it's starts out very similar 💀

But honestly, I think I'm gonna keep it the same cuz I love Lian, and I love the story I've made for her and Macaque. So if you've got any questions abt them, I'd be happy to answer until I shift my focus back onto TMoY.

2) Oh, and… my god. I love this idea of yours. That dream. Hoo boy, that dream. I love it when people understand the sort of angst I wanna put Dove under. Running to her love, knowing what's about to happen but too far to stop it. Maybe if he saw her, if he knew she was coming, maybe he'd still be there. But no matter how much her throat scratches as she screams, no sound is made. No matter how fast she runs, how far she pushes herself, nothing changes.

The Destined One frowns, he's seen her like this on so many nights. There's something that's plaguing her… he just doesn't know what. She shuts him down at any and all moments he has to inquire about her night-terrors. Still, he's found a subtle way to help in the best way he can. After one night where she reached out for him and he let her hand press against his chest, he noticed how she calmed a bit.

That becomes their nightly ritual. Whenever he notices how she starts to mumble in her sleep, shout and cry, he'll cuddle up next to her and hold her in his arms. He'll keep her head pressed against his chest so she can hear his heart– that always calms her down. As long as she has something, her hand or even an ear pressed to his heart, she'll calm down. Maybe the first few nights he started doing this, she'd cuddle up to him a bit. He'd be awkward about it at first, but eventually grow used to it. After a while, he'd find that he actually really enjoys spending those nights with Dove in his arms.

[yojeongin]

I remember everything | j.jh

→burnt-out writer!jaehyun x host f!reader

genre: smut, angst, fluff, summer fling, found home, strangers to lovers to strangers again, missed connection, 80's au

synopsis: jaehyun didn’t think meeting you in that quaint lonesome countryside town would come in between him and writing something hopeful and lively in contrast to all of his gloomy work. in fact it was a blessing to have someone help him navigate the foreign country. yet life always has something up its sleeve no matter how soul crushing.

warning(s): ADULTS ONLY, MINORS DO NOT INTERACT! mentions/implementations of poor mental health, abusive higher ups, mentions of bad parenting, unprotected sex.

wc: 28.5k+ || soundtrack || ao3

© 2024 YOJEONGIN all rights reserved — DO NOT translate, take, nor repost any of my works on other platforms. reblogs are HIGHLY appreciated!

disclaimer: this is purely fictional; in no way am I condoning this behavior, trying to offend anyone, nor is it meant to place such image on the idol, these are ONLY characters. read at your own discretion.

an: summer is gone and I tried posting this for the past 2 months so here is an ode to the place that inspired it all.

The contents of the box had been sitting unwrapped for what felt like an eternity after recalling last week’s events. The miscellaneous items your family sent were a recurring sight but it was rare that Ollie sent you anything besides his letters. 

What disturbed you most is his choice of item. Those bold scripted yellow letters mock you. You weren’t upset with him, you could never be upset with him. You know it’s not his doing, that he was put up to it. What upsets you is the resurfacing thoughts you had hid away in the vault of your memory years ago when you remained naive and to your disgrace revived with one detail.

Courage was the last thing in you. It surged through, more so forcibly, perhaps even masochistically. That seems correct because the second you open to the first page, images you believed you would never see, fly out, reminding you of a life that you can only describe as a daydream.

Every single image had something written in the back of it. You attempt to refrain from reading each note. With no avail, the loops of his handwriting draw you in as much as his piercing gaze and the smile you still dream about – those dimples you can’t forget no matter how much you now look at them on someone else.

There’s a folded letter slotted before the dedication page. It smells like him and you can’t help being transported to the summer you met him. The pleasantly strong cologne you could smell even in the masses of stench when cleaning the pen. Or through the window you two sneaked kisses at night. 

You don’t want to cry, you truly try not to, yet the waterworks flow when you finally focus on the dedication page of this damned book. 

‘To the life I needed all along… I remember everything.’

Jaehyun remembers with fondness the tranquility of what he considers home. The warmth that filled his chest with every waking moment he spent in that beautiful quaint village. And now looking and thinking back at it, that fondness muddles with the pain in his heart. That’s not what he wants nor needs, that’s not what he came here for.

Jaehyun could get behind it, it was nice. He immediately got used to the cool breeze which felt more like a chilly autumn rather than the grueling summer. He could definitely get used to the smell of wood burning from stoves and chimneys that indicated locals began their day. Similar enough to the rough housing from goats and sheep’s bleats to roosters for them to shut up, that the sun was enough of a wake up call. 

Fairly loud, not nearly as much as the city. It was one thing to admire the beauty outside of his temporary residence. Bougainvillea vines, flamboyant and bright, purloining his attention to let him know they were the star of the show, overshadowing any other house around.

Jaehyun needed something and all he knew was that he had to escape the constraints of his overpopulated and 24/7 bustling city that has cursed him to hell multiple times for not giving it a heartfelt ovation. How could he when he’s been shown nothing but hatred from it since he stepped foot in that hell hole?

Things should be different here, he knows that – he’s been shown. 

His taxi driver spoke idly about his day. Describing the breakfast his wife had made before he left. His daughter had visited to drop off their grandson while she went to work at the local market but in the process the kid had fallen down the steep steps claiming all he wanted as comfort was to spend time with his ‘Tito’. So there he was making rocket sounds and hammering the glove compartment with the pale sun-eaten toy car that caused his fall. In the process, turning back to Jaehyun asking if he liked dishes he had never heard of before that the kid didn’t like himself.

Jaehyun remembers it well. 

How can such a beautiful place bring him agony? 

He wanted to stray away from those pessimistic feelings that had shackled him for years, tainting every single one of his pieces. When his publisher and manager told him it would be best to go somewhere he’d know nothing about his world, to have time to think about a new story, he was the first one to say goodbye, muttering under his breath that he wished he’d never see them again. Jaehyun was elated to know he was given a golden ticket out. 

The past few launches and expectations had been hectic. Drowning him with stress and though many would think being a successful writer at such a young age was all fun and games, they'd think otherwise when your team is hollering in your ear daily to come up with new content and critics claiming you’ve yet again failed to provide anything meaningful besides pretentiousness. 

Jaehyun is tired of that dark monotonous and consuming cycle they’re forcing him to be in. So he’s hopeful and excited to see what this beautiful rural village can bring him. Hopeful that it’ll break those shackles of misery that cling to him until his ankles bruise and bleed. Hopeful to find meaning to this life that he’s been searching for. 

Struck with awe throughout his entire trajectory down the cobble and dirt-filled path from midtown to the house, the animal noises he had managed to drown became louder upon pushing open the metal door, growing wary. When he finally crossed the threshold he was met with the image of someone tussling with a ram, enough to get tackled and Jaehyun can only explain that feeling as freight.

That was the first time he met you.

From far away and with his feet grounded in fear, the fear you didn’t have regardless of all those rammings. That must’ve hurt, Jaehyun thinks so. How could it not? The beast came in charging three times, each making the impact seem worse. Twisted horns able to bruise the skin of your thighs.

Every step closer increases his shock. Muffled groans and curses from you mixed with laughter from your grandfather that stood and watched. Neither of you blame him, being the victim of that damn thing at 80 had caused irreparable damage to his hip. There’s nothing he could have done. At best he mangles the rope beside the stake, swinging it in hopes of getting it off you. 

Jaehyun felt inutile. He had no experience with animals nor with any labor besides what his father would drag him into. It’s not his fault he became a writing prodigy. His brute strength was useless if he was too scared to jump into the pen to help you. 

It was more shocking when a scrawny boy in a simple white tee, dusty jeans, heavy work boots just as muddy had pushed through him. Yelling something he couldn’t understand but later found it meant “Get the fuck out the way!” He didn’t mean to be malicious but he was scared himself. Jumping over the pen’s fence and pulling the damned ram off of you, he slaps its rear as a form of discipline. It amazes Jaehyun how effortless he made it look.

Finally free and things having calmed down, Jaehyun saw the elderly man seize his laughter. Genuine tears slip from his eyes. He was scared, truly scared it could have been your end. Having experienced it himself, he couldn’t help both sympathize and feel guilty. You and the kid reassured him it was fine. It wasn’t a first but your grandpa wouldn’t hear it, sighing as he continued to sob. 

Jaehyun later found that he was insanely sensible. Laughing things off to calm himself to eventually break down.

In attempts to ease his pain, you had sent the young boy to fetch your grandpa a coke and some bread. 

Nowadays, Jaehyun consumes those items whenever he grows scared 

Making your way with a limp that your grandfather mimicked due to his own attack and age, Jaehyun finally approaches you both, voice slightly quivering.

“Are you alright?!” Jaehyun quips, your head turns to him un-amusedly. Cautious but relaxed for whoever’s sake. “Yeah… it’s not the first time.” You try to smile at the stranger who is obviously not from the village inside the premise of your grandparent’s home. It only dawned upon you who he was when you noticed the pristine suitcases in his hands. Holding the handles like a lost victorian count in search of a new start in the bustling dirty city – despite the contrast.

“You’re the new tenant, right?” You ask, limp finally gone after something cracked. Jaehyun winces, amused with the nonchalant tone in your voice; he nods fervently. “Yeah, um, I can pay for a few months up front if you don’t mind.” Neither of you had noticed that both had stopped walking, your grandpa already in the house, leaving you to speak with the young and attractive man before you.

“Months?”

Jaehyun nods. “If you don’t mind or have another tenant.” He feels sheepish; confident in your eyes. “Don’t worry, it’s been open for months.” 

It’s amazing to him how you’re acting like you didn’t almost need a ride to the nearest hospital. Seeing the limp gone and crouching down to pick up a bucket full of dry corn kernels like nothing. He could have believed everything he saw didn’t really happen. 

It’s recurring if he thinks back to it, how everything felt so fleeting and surreal. He despises and feels it mocking him daily.

Following you around like a lost puppy while you sprinkled the ground with those kernels, he took note of the expression on your face. You’re still in pain, it’s written all over the movements you make. He rules you’re ignoring it to not seem ill before him or specifically to reassure your grandfather. 

Jaehyun has a strong image in your eyes. It would crumble with just about anything and you felt comfortable figuring that out. Just like it has done now, with chickens rushing and flooding the area to gobble down their meal. Jaehyun was startled and scared they’d peck him in the process. 

You try not to laugh despite the giggles leaving in spurts. Nearing the kitchen door, you stop in your tracks to look at him. “Don't worry about the pay, it won't be necessary.” It troubles him and this time he won’t hold his thoughts. Well, he wasn’t going to but as soon as his lips parted, the sprint door opened, showing a much shorter and pudgier older woman. He reckons that’s your grandmother so he smiles and greets her accordingly. 

She accepts it, returning the favor before going back to business in handing you the bowl full of pepper seeds and stems to feed the chickens. That left him and your grandmother alone, inviting him to the kitchen.

He studied the kitchen upon crossing the threshold, admiring the huge chimney in the right corner, soot covered it along the boiling metal bucket of water. There was a chair in front of it, one of those school chairs that cling onto your hair until it’s off your scalp. 

A metal cabinet in between the entrance door and the hallway. It’s dusty, showcasing fine china that was never used. He found the cracks above the very tall ceilings the most enchanting, all leading to portraits above the hallway’s threshold. Trajectory and lineage demonstrated through the years. Most recently: one of you with your diploma. 

Beautiful. Utterly beautiful, he thought.

“Come, I’ll show you around.” 

The tour was simple, the hallway that connected the main room and kitchen was a room in itself. Privacy wasn’t really an option within these walls but it didn’t matter, he wasn’t the one sleeping in the main house.

All he had to know about this house was that it was an old canteen that your grandmother’s father bought for her as a wedding gift. The hallway had a bed your grandfather slept on, a couch he sat to watch the TV propped on top of a dresser in the main room –where he’d join him often– and a door that led to the guest’s area.

Despite the open concept, she didn’t show him the room where you and her slept in. He caught a glimpse of a door to the only restroom in there –restroom with a window he would spend his nights at often–, a vanity you both filled with expired products, and two beds on opposite sides. He figures the one with a pristine Garfield plush was yours. 

Jaehyun felt the clarity of finding home within these few minutes. It was summer and the house was freezing without a clunky AC unit, he was in heaven if you asked him. It felt cozy and he liked that it wasn’t stuffy like his apartment back home, it felt like love. Cold, unspoken care and love.

The tour ended by the time both reached the guest area. The door was open after you swept but things never lasted clean here, the entrance full of dust again. Your grandmother looked tired and apologetic that she couldn’t continue, reassuring him his room was fine, warranting her to yell your name and rushing to her side.

She asks you to show him, motioning for him to follow you with your head. It felt like a full circle when you both hopped down the step from the house to the courtyard. He looked at the threshold he entered through, the door was closed now, decorated with flowers made out of dust, crafted by Ollie when he had free time. Your grandfather sat on a chair near the pen with the young man, eating his bread and smoking a cigarette that he pretends to hide. 

Following you, Jaehyun took notice of the mountain of rocks and flowers near his room. A monument to a holy being he had only seen a few times. It was beautiful, vibrant flowers in comparison to the rocks. Some cactus and critters roam on small trinkets and a river flows up and down each rock.

Jaehyun finds himself behind a wall of jacarandas which cover the entrance to his room. The door unlocks with a screech, Jaehyun, hopeful it was just as inviting as the home only to be shortly disappointed when it felt warm inside and the walls maintained a darker hue. It was newly made, it lacks love.

Sensing his hesitance, your voice aims to distract him. “It’s not much, the bed is new if you must know. My uncle should bring in the TV but in the meantime you have free reign to the boombox or the kitchen’s.” Apologetic smile decorating your face. “You can open the window if it gets hot, Ollie is fixing up the fan. Feel free to go into the house, we don’t mind.” You hope that will help his decision, you’d hate to see him leave.

He wants to thank you with the words stuck in his throat, something you noticed well enough that intensified the feeling that clogged your own. “Um, yeah… New bed, the lamp and main light work, window opens, and you have your own personal bathroom. Unfortunately, the boiler is still very old fashioned so you will have to warm it or boil some water in the chimney to shower.” You hope that repeating yourself will convince him, restraining yourself from begging.

It has its flaws but he has decided not to care. “I’ll take it. It’s still $130 for the month, right?” He smiles boyishly, putting down his suitcases. It gives you a sense of tenderness and relief. You want to sigh and smile, giggle with appreciation. “Don’t worry about that, the room is yours.” You hand him the key, that’s the best you can manage.

His lip slightly juts out and eyebrows furrow with your words. “What do you mean by that? Please, I insist.” He turns to you, taking a step closer, forcing you to bite the inside of your lower lip. “I can double it if you prefer.” He pleads, head tilting to the side with wide eyes. It’s not intentional, he’s unaware of the effects he has on people. He’s scared you’re tricking him to not keep the room, to give it to someone else. Almost like you aren’t finding his presence enjoyable. If only he knew how much you would love for him to stay. 

“It’s not that, trust me.” You walk towards the door, avoidingly. “It’s nice to not be alone. To have someone else around.” Your eyes don’t meet his, he understands. Letting it go, he thanks you in a whisper. “By any chance can I use your phone?” He asks in attempts to change the atmosphere. 

Apologies fill your eyes like previous conversations. “It’s off until Monday.” It’s Wednesday. 

“There’s a little store a block or two from here, not far at all. You can leave from either side, it’s flamboyantly yellow so you won’t miss it.” His excursion to find this place alone will say otherwise. “The name is painted on with neon green, ‘Gaby’s’ it’s called.” You laugh, looking at the expression on his face. He thanks you and follows behind the exit of the room, parting ways. 

Despite the rundown homes and slight deterioration here and there, Jaehyun liked the tranquility and uncertainty in pertinence to the weather. One second he is granted with the warmth of vitamin D, the other he is threatened with the smell of wet dogs. This town had it all, yet none of it interfered with the breeze that calmed him as his hair waltzed around, singing in his ear that he was in the right hands, finally at ease. 

You were right about not missing the store. He can laugh now – he did when taking the final corner, being met with what he felt was covered in buckets of highlighter ink. It was almost comical how opposite the owner was from her lively store and home.

“Good morning.” He mutters, “What are your rates for long distance calls?” She looks at him, pulling out a booklet from the phone company, arms working like it’s a chore. 

“How far?” “Overseas.”

She looks at him through lashes, sighing, flipping another page. 

“$3.56 per minute.”

Jaehyun’s eyes bulge out, nodding frighteningly. The process goes accordingly: she hands him the phone, writes down his name and the location before looking at him to dial on that old dinky home phone. The wires are sticky from tape residue with some edges popping out. It was her mother’s from 1957 but she loves it more than her third born.

He rotates the wheel, hanging up one or three times until he finally gets it. When the other line finally picks up, she starts a timer. “It’ll be quick.” He mentions. “Take your time.” She smiles.

“Hello? Hellooo~.” The voice on the other line calls out, ready to hang up, a pair of blondes far more important than this are waiting for him. “Hyunjoo?” Jaehyun asks, hand clasping the bottom of the phone. “Yeah? Who is this?” His words sound slurred, not enough to call him drunk.

“It’s Jaehyun.”

An eruption of laughter and greetings is heard in the background, smiling at how welcoming it felt, although strange. “Jaehyunie! How are you finding it there? Fun?… You know when Jude showed me the pictures I thought you were crazy for choosing that… place! Do you think you can hold out long?!” He laughs diminishingly, Jaehyun’s smile falters, his heart aching as it usually does when it comes to Hyunjoo. 

He clears his throat, standing straight. “It’s great, I really like it so far and I’ve only seen the house.” He musters a laugh. “Listen, long-distance calls are expensive so I think we should only communicate through letters, okay? I just wanted to call to let you know I was fine.” He’s ready to end the conversation here. It didn’t start how he wanted it and a reminder of his actuality is not what he wants.

“No… no, now wait a minute!” It wasn’t Hyunjoo on the line anymore but Jude, his manager who was far more sober than his publisher. Some tussling and grunting here and there on the other line, Jaehyun sighs looking at how quickly he was pushing three minutes already. 

Eventually Jude got through, scolding the drunkard. “Now what do you mean you won’t call? Don’t be dumb, I need to hear from you!” He bites onto his cigarette, scolding Jaehyun like a small kid, like the child he pretends is his. “It’s too much, Jude. Plus, the house doesn’t have a phone right now so you can’t reach me.” His foot bounces, scoffing like a petulant child proclaiming independence from their family. 

Jude went on a tirade about how it wasn’t good for Jaehyun to go cold on them but the younger one wasn’t hearing it. The entire premise of this trip was to forget about them all so why won’t they let him? “Okay too much time, too much money, bye!” Jaehyun cuts the conversation short, giggling as the yelling got louder. Seizing when the timer hits six minutes and thirty-seven seconds. 

“$24.92.” A wide smile decorates the owner’s rotund face, sticking her hand out. Nothing left but to sigh and hand her the money. 

Jaehyun takes this opportunity to explore the village, mesmerized by the intricacies of carved ornate decorations onto walls and doors. In awe with the obvious distinctions between newly built homes and colonial ones he found far more attractive. Architecture was not his only interest, not when the mocking tango of scent swirls drag him to the plaza. Taunting him with delectable treats and meals at every corner and hall.

If he wanted to fall further in love, then the market currently taking place should do. Colorful carps and music from corner to corner, swaying him through the fabric made halls. Jingles of welcomings and hollering flood the ears of every passerby. Whether he wanted fresh produce, flavored shaved ice, fruit cocktails, clothes, or even toys, Jaehyun could find it all. It reminded him of the swap meet he encountered with his friends once when living in Connecticut years ago. This was surely far more inviting and lively. 

Through his trail around the halls, Jaehyun came to a halt upon seeing you standing before your grandfather on the bench your grandmother’s family had donated. Worry filled your face but the older man’s laughter was far more deafening and comforting. An internal warmth forces your head to turn, spotting him immediately for your eyes to meet.

“Need help?” Jaehyun offers embarrassedly, you deny. Your grandfather is receptive despite your light scolding. “It’s fine, really.” You try but both men insist. “Do you know how to repair cars?” Your grandfather asks, Jaehyun shakes his head apologetically, all which prompts your grandpa to huff and shake his own head.

“The car broke down.” He’s met with another of your apologetic smiles, as if he’s the one being wronged and not you and your grandfather. “I’m just going to finish off the shopping, mind giving him an eye?” You ask Jaehyun, the first favor to be exact and he couldn't be more elated to not feel useless.

It’s shut down by the older of the three, complaining and almost throwing a tantrum over how he didn’t need a babysitter. It wasn’t completely wrong, the entire village knew him so watchful eyes were all around, it’s not like you couldn’t trust him to be on his own. “No, no. Matter of fact, help her with the bags. Go on, look at how heavy they are.” He scolds Jaehyun, throwing away any unfamiliarity out the window. That’s one thing about him, he’s too trusting. 

Like a child in between parents having an argument, Jaehyun didn’t know who to listen to. Fortunately you give up and sigh, motioning with your head for him to follow you. He took a handful of bags from your hand, some left in the care of your grandfather that was well situated on the bench.

He gave you both his blessing, shooing you off to embark in an awkwardly silent walk with nothing but the blaring music vendors played to fill that emptiness. He had so much he wanted to ask, to say, to know what you could teach him about the village or if you knew how he could travel to neighboring ones. He was giddish and that’s all that took for you to turn to him with a smile.

“Quite a bad host, aren’t I? I didn’t even introduce myself.” You giggle, stopping at a stand. “It’s okay, I didn’t either, I’m sorry. I’m Jaehyun.” 

“Y/n,” You give him a quick glance, taking a bag from a vendor. “What are you doing here, anyways? No one comes here for pleasure.” Jaehyun could tell more words hung on the tip of your tongue, ones you swallow down. He didn’t know how to answer. If someone else asked him, he’d mention how he wanted some inspiration, to see what he could bring into fruition but with you his sincere words threatened to spill. 

How could he mutter: “I think I hate my life and those in it, so my manager and publisher shipped me off somewhere I’d be far from that world. I think they just wanted to get rid of me but it’s what I wanted all along…”

“Oh?”

Shit. Just like that. 

“I-I… I didn’t mean to say that.” He scolds himself. This had never happened before, what the hell was that?! Your laughter doesn’t help and he’s scared you’re laughing at his problems. He doesn’t want to believe someone like you could be this cruel.

“It’s okay.” 

That’s not reassuring. “It’s okay. I hated where I was a year ago too, so I was also shipped here.” That’s comforting– somewhat. 

Your shoulders shimmy as you pay for the produce, walking towards another stand. “Granted, my aunt got sick. She was my grandparents' caretaker but it was getting worse and I took the role.” From the depths of your pocket, you pull out some pumpkin seeds, handing him a few for him to crack, not counting with the coating of salt to scald his tongue. 

“She comes back here and there to check in and help but eventually she has to go back for constant checkups. I hadn’t found a job right out of college so this was my next best option and I like it – far more so, I think.” A sincere smile adorns your face; this was comforting.

Things went far more smoothly after that introduction. He told you about his books and what he wanted to do here. He told you about how miserable he felt and how abusive the city seemed to be towards him. You told him that you missed your city but the reality of facing adulthood in the area was weighing down on you. He figured this was your reality escape and although grim on your end, he felt ecstatic for himself. He felt like he finally found exactly what he needed.

The conversation went well with a few laughs here and there until reaching full circle with cups of shaved ice in a bag to take home and yours in hand. Bliss was momentarily gone when you reached the bench and didn’t spot your grandfather. Regardless, it didn’t take long for a seller to let you know his nephew gave him a ride. 

These instances made Jaehyun appreciate your gentleness for your grandparents. Although aware of how you try to hide your emotions from him, the guard falls when it comes to them. It’s admirable.

Noise didn’t break the bubble of silence you remained in until entering the kitchen where your grandfather was sitting at a table already, your grandmother making his coffee while Ollie tired and sweaty relaxed by the door, munching on a candybar he bought when getting the fright remedy. A token of appreciation from your grandfather for the cigarette.

“We didn’t see you, I almost had a heart attack.” You mock reprimand, a smile setting on your face seeing the older man safe and sound. No matter how hard you try to act angry, seeing him eat the rest of his bread while waiting for lunch calms you down. “I’m the old one here, save the ailments for another sixty years.” he cackles, Jaehyun beginning to find comfort in your grandfather’s ability to find humor in anything.

“I think our guest might want out already.” He teases, sneaking a piece from Ollie’s candy. The boy doesn’t protest, doing the same with the shaved ice you brought. Jaehyun felt his ears warm up, nervously denying it with no avail as your grandpa kept insisting with that same laugh. Dying when your grandma scolds him to leave Jaehyun alone.

Jaehyun giggles quietly, shaking his head. “Please believe me. I think it’s beautiful so far.” Your grandma hums, the one to speak is Ollie. “There’s nothing here. What’s beautiful about it?” He shrugs with a scowl. “He hasn’t seen the other towns, give it time, Ol.” You intervene, forcing him to taste test the rice.  

“Well, what if you and Ollie, whenever he can, show…”

“Jaehyun.” You help your grandmother, playfully glaring at the young boy for feedback on the dish. The elderly give each other a quick glance while Ollie makes a mocking thumbs down when he knows the smile on his face says otherwise.

She nods, scooping a spoonful of lard into the pan. “Why don’t you and Ollie show Jaehyun around after your duties. I doubt he wants to stay all hours here.” Jaehyun doesn’t know how to feel. He’s embarrassed, he’s also bashful and feels imposing. “It’s okay, I can manage. I don’t want to overstep.” He nervously chuckles, ears brightening.

“Okay.” You shut him up. He turns to you, silence deafening yet comforting, even when you finally lift your head to look at him, nodding. “It’s okay, just let us know what you want to see.” You’re much calmer than he is, it causes his body to tense despite being thankful with how inviting you are. How inviting you all are, he thinks he can see himself here for longer.

“Thank you.” He meets your eyes with a smile, thankful and glad. It’s reciprocated, knocking down the nonchalant act.

The first outings don’t go past the premises of the village. With planting being the main priority, neither you or Ollie have time to take him anywhere. The younger spent his days working the tractor, taking your grandfather up and down as his mentor despite his own father being there. 

Jaehyun tried to help once but was booted by both men and their laughter. He won’t fault them, he almost ruined a row of freshly planted beans and if he was to learn anything throughout this trip, he’d learn that any grain and imperfection was important enough to ruin the entire harvest. Instead he was left to pavement clearing, making sure no rocks or debris got in the way of vehicles.

The following week he had been left to his vices at home. You had apologetically told him they found assistance and he should enjoy his trip at home. Although there was nothing left to do, not for him at least. Your grandmother wouldn’t let him lift a finger in the kitchen and she didn’t like his cleaning style, leaving it to you if she was busy. 

Ollie had fixed the fan by now. The new motor made the room freeze, mimicking the room temperature of the home. Cold enough that Jaehyun preferred to leave the window open despite the crawlers that woke him at night. Now he contemplates whether he should turn the fan on or sleep with cotton filled eardrums. 

Jaehyun lays in bed, bored and antsy for something to do. The sound of your arguing with animals overpower the boombox next to his head, melodies he didn’t understand.

The fountain pen on his hand never felt far heavier, a sign that he had nothing new to produce. No, the only thing his hand mustered to write was the noises you made. Whatever pertains to you.

“Tutt-tutt.” “Cluth-cluth… No, Constance! Don’t peck me!” “Behhh, behhh! Here, what a cry baby.”

Jaehyun found joy through you and your acts of love.

“Meow, meow, meow! I can do that too! I already fed you, Fina! Gluttony is a sin, you know.”

Days went on like this, it’s repetitious but he doesn’t complain. Past times he’d think what he’s doing now was all he wanted but a mind never rests and his body is antsy for new experiences. He no longer wants to lie and feel the breeze rush through the window to coddle him, forcing the sheer white curtains to dance around for his attention.

Jaehyun tucks away his journal, buttoning up his shirt and slipping on the work boots he bought with only four days here. Full of glee and excitement he bought them to help your grandfather. He reckoned if he was going to get down and dirty then he should be dressed accordingly. 

With pep to his step, Jaehyun makes a beeline towards the pen. What used to be barking of unfamiliarity turned to a simple bark for attention, received with wagging tails. He made sure to pat their heads until reaching the fence, looking at you conversing with Camila, the donkey. 

“Aha and what else did he do?... No! You should’ve kicked him straight in the leg, Cami. He can’t talk to you like that!.” You nod and hum at her playfully, received with brays and nods. Jaehyun doesn’t know what you’re talking about but he’s glad that you’re having fun.

New hay had been brought in the morning, far more greener and fresh which left the old hay to be moved around for maintenance. In the process of such, strays found themselves near the dogs, enough to crunch under his step. Like a deer caught in headlights, Jaehyun stops, ears reddening by the whip of your head and Camila’s blaring bray.

“Hi…” He mutters timidly, cause of your smile. “Hi.” You reciprocate with the softest welcoming. He takes the initiative to approach you, standing a few feet behind. Neither say anything, amused with Camila’s treacherous ways in leaving you to gain his attention. Head bumping onto his hand to mimic the pats he left on the dogs.

Pleased she throws a kick, sending old hay flying towards the lambs and goats that reproach her action. You share a giggle, forcing you two to give each other a quick glance. “I think she likes you.” You mention, “I like her too.” He replies, petting her ears, as red as his. “Well don’t feed her ego, now. It’s already through the roof.” You teasingly scoff, another airy laugh leaves him. 

“Don’t be harsh, I think she needs it. I mean, I don’t know what you two were talking about just now but it seems like she needed her confidence there.” He smiles at you, taking her face into both hands. Your groan makes him wink at Camila, thankful that he’s found something to converse with you. “Her and Ollie–” Camila brays, removing Jaehyun’s touch from her.  “They have such an intense hate-love relationship that his name throws her off, so I’m giving her advice on how to deal with it. Right, Mila?” Understandingly, she nods, seeking your attention again.

“Granted it’s all made up, she’s a little jealous but with you here I think Ollie should take the role.” She brays again, aiming to bite your hand. You get away just in time, sticking your tongue out at her. Jaehyun receives the image with laughter, his chest filled with joy.

He shakes his head, petting hers to calm her down. “No, I don’t want to be responsible for their failure.” You nod, picking up a metal rake. “Mind if I help you? It’s getting boring there…” He’s ashamed to admit it. You sympathize with him, after all when you used to visit you often fell in his shoes.

“Alright, a heads up, this will be messy work.” He nods obediently, eyes shimmering with their natural gloss and the sun’s reflection. 

Darn him and his cuteness! 

Blinking the thought away you hand him a broom and the rake. “Here, hold these while I tie up this  maniac.” Your eyes squint meeting those of the ram that tackled you when he arrived. His own mimicking yours, it was on and he knew it. 

With rope in your hand, test swings approaching the pen’s door, the beast starts to test the waters. Three…two…one! What ensues is a battle between both, Jaehyun trying his best to help. He envisioned that this rivalry is what Ollie and Camila had, he’d witness it a few days prior. The only exception that you and Whitey hated each other to the core. He never knew why. 

After a few falls and tugs here and there, you two managed to get him in the isolation pen. Scoffing and laughing as he settles on newly clean hay. While he relaxes, you both huff and hold onto the fence, wiping away any remnants of sweat. “Ready to work?” You question, Jaehyun felt like this was enough. Unfortunately it’s only the beginning.

With free and safe reign to go inside the pen, you lay out the map of where to go and be careful. The wall to the neighbors cooped the chickens. It was the time they laid eggs so cleaning it would be held off until a few days later. On the opposite side to the street, roosters had their own coups. 

“All you have to do is separate the poop from the hay, that’s what the rake is for.” Jaehyun figured you felt apologetic for the task as the look you gave him when presenting the room manifested itself onto your face. If you only knew that he’d never say no to you.

He mutters an ‘alright’ with his brilliant smile, reassuringly. “While you do that,” you watch him struggle, “I’ll clean this one.” Your voice slowed, concentrated on how to maneuver. You referred to the pen around a large cactus. He didn’t give it much thought when you went in, he also felt it wouldn’t be that hard, the livestock discard balls for goodness sake.

He had the confidence that died along the way he swept and raked. For small balls they were pungent and he wasn’t handling it well, the uncovered smell of piss added to it. You try not to laugh when he gagged or turned around so you wouldn’t see him cover his face but it was becoming hard.

Endearing is the word you’re thinking of, even when he perceives it as mockery that his face falls into a pout when he hears your laughter. “Please don’t laugh at me.” He practically begs, head lifting for a waft of fresh air before pushing old disgusting hay into a trash bag.

“I’m sorry,” A laugh escapes. “It’s good I’m the one here, I wouldn’t doubt Ollie tormenting you if it was him here.” Jaehyun agrees, the difference being that he wouldn’t care for Ollie's ridicule, he’d play along and try his best to improve. He cares for your opinion which is far different. 

“He did enough during harvest.”  “I heard.”

Silence befalls as you continue, the sun seems to have hidden behind clouds for the time being. 

“I’m sorry you’re not having a good time.” You broke the peace, his ears perking at the condolence lacing your voice. “I know you wanted an escape and I’m sorry I haven’t been of much help.” He couldn’t believe his ears. Why are you blaming yourself for something that should only matter to him? He has free will and range to get up and take the next taxi or bus to neighboring towns. You shouldn’t blame yourself for his decisions.

Escapism might not have come to him in the way intended but everyday has become a new experience for him. “Don’t… I promise that even picking up droppings is something new for me.” He rebuttals your claim, mirroring the same apologetic look you give him. “Y/n… I’ve been coddled all my life, this entire experience has been a new step for me and I feel like Bambi, positively.” He smiles, widely enough that it’s the first time you notice his deep dimples.

You sigh, unsure if it’s from relief, pash, or in between. 

“Yeah, okay… I was in your shoes too when I began to stay as a caretaker. I’ve done all of this when I would visit but it was not as intense as it is now. I don’t mind, I’m here to help. I have to.” It sounds melancholic and he’s not sure how to interpret it.

Avoiding it you look around to see he’s done a good job. You’re actually very well impressed, the words that were meant to leave your mouth surely were appreciative but they’re shoved back down your throat when you attempt to stand up. It’s almost like his presence dumbifies you. Like you forget the world around you, manifesting itself in your careless and clueless actions like resting your open hand on a cactus while trying to stand up just to bring him comforting words. 

Instead he’s met with your yelp as you prick your hand, head, and shoulder in the process of standing and tumbling down. Whitey’s karma has served you, he bleats mockingly when you keep on hurting yourself within the premise of his home. 

Instinctively Jaehyun rushes to you, concerned and scared of what this could illicit. He isn’t safe of Whitey’s wrath, not when he helped you and has decreed the young brunette is of your interest. Rushing to your aid, Jaehyun doesn’t count on one of the sheep to leave her droppings on the path he’s taking. Fresh and new, it wasn’t difficult for Jaehyun to find himself slipping straight into the cactus that has served your own aches.

They say laughter is the best medicine. Both you and Jaehyun attempt it when your eyes meet but the throbbing is far more intense that you synchronize in wailing. Loud and tuneless, enough to drag out your grandmother from the kitchen and force laughter out of Ollie and your grandfather who were arriving from their daily duties.

Camila doesn’t stay too behind in her own laughter. You fear all the livestock was against you two or perhaps rooting for you in the most vicious way. It’s rotten to know this is the start of your shared misery and ache.

The accident had forced your grandparents to make it up to you both the following day. Early in the morning your grandfather drove you all to a neighboring town. Ollie groggily dragged himself out of his home despite his father’s complaints that he was being a burden. You reassured him he was always welcomed, your grandfather scolded his dad. Yelling at him to stop trying to force ideas in the boy’s head. 

Jaehyun had taken in the scenery on his taxi drive although he’s convinced something is different this time. Aside from your grandfather teasing everyone when driving along the edge of the mountains, Ollie clinging to you ready to cry as if he didn’t surpass all of you in height.

It takes roughly an hour and a half to arrive at the destination and almost another to find parking they eventually found was free and available behind a cathedral. Everyone laughs at each other for missing it when minutes prior your grandfather was ready to turn the car around, hangry and annoyed at how this damn town was overcrowded with no parking spots.

For once he felt like an actual tourist, visiting the restaurant you all loved and gorging himself with the most delicious meal he’s ever tasted in his life – besides his mother’s cooking, of course! For reassurance, she will witness how happy he looked while eating through the picture you managed to snap of him.

After the meal, your grandparents attempted to walk for digestion but age made them give up as soon as you all reached the town’s plaza. It wasn’t a rare occurrence, you saw no problem with it, they’re together. All they asked was to bring them those donuts they loved dearly and a soda to share. Ollie took it in his hands to beat you to it. Now there you and Jaehyun stood looking at the elderly couple sat before you.

At the time it didn’t feel like a scheme but looking back at it, Jaehyun is sure you figured it out as well. 

Despite the accident, you both went back to the timidness that sheltered you both. Stolen glances and polite smiles when caught, stopping here and there to take pictures of the architecture and culture. He wouldn’t tell you, but a good portion were candids of you. You look so pretty that he could not avoid capturing the only remnants of you he could keep. 

Both try small talk, history pointers whenever reaching old buildings – most consisted of luring him away from hustlers. You’d laugh after every successful attempt and reward yourself with street snacks that he’d find too salty or too sweet, still delicious enough to risk getting scolded by his physician if it meant enjoying the wonders of life.

The day might have ended with shy conversations and laughs but both could testify that comfort is what surrounded you most. On his end he felt safe and secure, comfortable enough to laugh at anything you said because in whatever way he looked at it, your presence forced glee onto him. Warmth and comfort is what you would best describe it as and that’s what you have learnt care feels like.

Your grandmother began going easy on you after the accident and outing. You felt like a teenager visiting your grandparents again with how little she left for you to do and how she forced you to go out more often. Encouraging you to enjoy your summer as well while showing Jaehyun around.

Jaehyun is sure this was her way to make both of you appreciate the limited shared time. He’s thankful enough for it but bitter towards himself for losing some weeks at the start.

You began showing him around other towns. On times you went grocery shopping and he’d beat you to paying for it (his form of appreciation), he’d throw in a peach or two. His favorite, you figured. 

At the neighboring market, he’d buy fridge magnets, five for the price of a large one. All which represented his favorite snacks he’s consumed during these days. You still remember teasing him for buying a mini replica magnet of a beer bottle. Later at home while rocking on a chair he showed you a layout of how he’d arrange them on his fridge. In the meantime, you helped him decorate the door to his room, enjoying the air the fan blew at both.

When it rained, Ollie forced both to dance under the cold drops. Enjoy life as you should, he justified. At night, he’d dragged you both to the night market. Showing Jaehyun his favorite drinks and laugh when you scold him for drinking like an old man with kidney issues. He would joke about you and Jaehyun being his parents and would even grab your hands to skip in between both when it was so easy for him to drag you down. Damn him and his tall genes.

He’d drag the joke far enough to reach home where your grandparents never missed the opportunity to throw in a “Take your brat with you.” whenever Ollie was available and you were to show Jaehyun around. Neither of you minded, Ollie was silent enough to let you two bask in each other’s presence and playful enough for you two to feel at ease and content. 

In another universe, this would reign true and not a fragment of a life you’re all creating that was never to bloom.

After three months the festivities had reached your village and vendors from all around the country settled by the plaza. Intrigued at first and fascinated by what they sold, poor Jaehyun fell victim to one of the home goods sellers. Spending a large amount buying your grandmother some pots, pans, a set of dishes, and stools as a token of appreciation. He went overboard but was happy to help, blinded by the cheap prices. Jaehyun should’ve known something was off, he knows you would have talked him out of it but you had been arguing with another vendor that they took advantage of the painfully obvious foreigner in the meantime.

When arriving home and seeing he had been robbed, you got ready to argue and force them to give him his money back. He protested despite being defeated and sad he was swindled. He convinced you but not your grandparents and Ollie. The three had taken matters into their own hands while you two fetched salt blocks to replace in the pen. By the time you got back, Ollie’s hair was far more ruffled than usual and his face red while your grandfather laughed, taking a sip of his beer, clanking it with your grandmother’s. On the kitchen bar, Jaehyun’s money was laid out. Every single cent and interest returned to him, money he used to invite all to dinner and dessert with a gift of their choice.

Ollie wore his tonight. Gleefully trotting through the threshold of the gate, careful to not scuff the boots Jaehyun gladly bought while singing to gain attention. Jaehyun laid on bed, scribbling his thoughts on his days, one-liners here and there and far more of the noises you’ve made. In addition the lyrics to the song Ollie sang before your grandmother told him to stop before he ate a fly.

Fireworks had been going off all day and neighbor’s music loudened with their gates open. This wasn’t new but it seemed to be far more intense today out of all days. “Why aren’t you ready? You’re not going to the fair?” Ollie questions, out of breath and frantic to see your grandparents sitting on their chairs enjoying today’s weather with a cup of soda in one hand and pastries in the other. 

Talks about a fair had not gone in deaf ears throughout the past three weeks but Jaehyun paid it no mind when he saw that no one else seemed concerned – besides Ollie. It seemed to be a big thing when he noticed more carps, games, and rides fully covering the plaza.

“Don’t think we will be going, Ol. Their knees hurt.” Your voice manifests itself, forcing Jaehyun to sit up and put away his journal. You had been doing some chores outside his room. Hanging laundry and watering the plants, the product of everything he’s written and attempted to draw today.

He follows outside, Ollie greets him, a mischievous smile on his lips forming an idea. “Why not? I’ll drive if you want! Do it for Jaehyun, he’s never going to experience this again.”

Ollie’s childish intuition strikes again, this time in the form of a gash against both of your chests. 

You both knew it was true but reality is what Jaehyun wanted to escape and you had made sure to enable him. It just so happens that you have fallen victim to it as well.

No matter, he said he wanted to stay months so it should still be far along in the future. You think so… you implore.

Perceptive is a word to describe your grandparents. Despite their ache they figure it is not as big as the one brewing in the depths of your conscious and heart. As best as they can, they agree with the younglin and head inside to get ready.

Ollie is ecstatic, he’s always been a fan of these things but now that he was of age, he could enjoy it more with a drink or two. Not to mention things like these are grounds for finding partners and like any town boy who hasn’t found one, he’s looking forward to it. That’s what he tells you and Jaehyun at least but he knows he’ll spend his night looking after your grandparents, far more giddy about you two together.

He had been smart enough to put cinder blocks early in the morning in a parking spot front and center from the fair, forcing Jaehyun out of the car to move and put them behind the car once he parked so no one would block them. Perfect was his plan that once everyone got out of the car, his friends that occupied a bench scattered like roaches to give their seat to your grandparents. Both elders find it comical seeing right through Ollie. 

Arriving just in time for the parade, all queen candidates drove around in their elaborately decorated transportation. Colors flying around similar to their presentation favors, many which ended up hitting both Jaehyun and Ollie in the head. The older of the two made sure to take pictures of it while Ollie complained, claiming he was glad he didn’t vote for whoever hit him. The new reigning queen didn’t appear until the end. It was far more of a social economic competition. Whoever paid more won therefore it wasn’t surprising when a queen from years prior won again.

“You should’ve signed up, you would’ve won, Y/n.” Ollie elbows you, received with an eye roll. “Right, Jaehyun?” That devious brat, always finding a way to make you miserable. You try not to turn to Jaehyun, yet his gaze is so intense that it forces you to do so slowly. His face, decorated with that usually wide smile that emphasized his dimples, eyes squinting in glee when yours finally meet his. Candidness and benevolence lacing his voice.

“Yes, you would have won, Y/n.” 

That was enough footing for Ollie to shoo both of you away, promising to take care of your grandparents while you had fun. Your attempts at protest are futile, your grandparents helping Ollie in his mission. Buying the three something to eat in the process before parting ways, promising it’ll be fast.

It’s not fast, it’s a brisk walk that both you and Jaehyun enjoy. Struggling to not lose each other within the masses going opposite or in the same direction. He jokes about feeling like a meerkat in a sea of gazelles, you laugh but he’s sure you don’t find it funny. At least he’s glad you humor him.

You entertain him through food. Buying tornado potatoes, plain and simple. He mentions having eaten these when he lived in Connecticut. You ask him about the state and what it’s like, you’re not too thrilled nor believe him when he says it’s boring. As an attempt to remove the connection, you drizzle hot sauce on one half of the potatoes. Scared but willing to try it, Jaehyun lets you feed him the first broken off bit. It’s enjoyable at first, soon his face blends with the lights behind him. Red and bright as he begins to cough. Now he will only think of this when it comes to the snack.

You both laugh at it, as an apology you buy him a drink. A piña colada for him and a michelada for you, it should work enough to ease both of your bashfulness. He couldn’t eat anything from the drizzled side, leaving those for you whilst he munched on the dry. Giving you sips here and there from his drink to cool down the fire in your mouth. He teases you for choosing a spicy drink when you’re eating far more spice, receiving him with an eye roll and “You don’t know what life is about.”

Finishing that, he dragged you to a game. You’d like to think he found it far more odd because of the mini stripper animatronics in the center of all the glass bottles but he reassures you the life-size gremlin doll pissing on people was more alluring – and disturbing. It didn’t stop him from attempting to win a decrepit pale Winnie the Pooh bear.

He had spent a good amount of time trying for it, towards the end he required your help. You had been nagging him throughout the entire game to not spend more money on the game, that it was most likely rigged but when it was your turn and managed to burst all bottles, then it became a skill issue. 

Jaehyun mopped about it, you figured the bear would bring him comfort. He held it for seconds to soon return it with a bright smile. You try rejecting it, he had been fighting hard for it so it was confusing why he didn’t want it. You thought it had to do with the principle of the winner takes it all; it wasn’t the case. 

He confessed he had wanted to get it for you and only felt bummed that he wasn’t able to but that you should keep it irregardless as a token of his appreciation and care for you, to give your Garfield some company. The moment would’ve been sweet if the booth attendant didn’t make that stupid doll spritz it’s faux piss your way, forcing you to flee while cursing him out with laughs in between.

That was the beginning of your journey through halls and carps, stepping out here and there to get on children’s rides that warrant glares from parents. Jaehyun joked about dragging Ollie so he could ride the caterpillar rollercoaster with him and have you take pictures of a father with his kid. Jaehyun is now playing along with the fantasy Ollie has created. You don’t know whether to laugh or let the ache in your heart manifest.

You end at the ferris wheel only a few feet away. In the process of calming each other’s laughter, the noises of people and music filled the silence. Comforting as the day you met, walking through the market and buying produce for that day’s meal. It makes Jaehyun think about how far you two have gone. How one little incident with a cactus has led to having the time of your lives nearing the highest point of the ride.

You’ve felt the warmth and softness of his touch. Felt his care and appreciation through every little act yet you yearn and crave for more from him. Your body and soul know there is more both can offer, although frightened that you’ve misinterpreted his lingering gazes and gestures.

“When I was younger my mom had decided that we would spend every summer with my grandparents and aunt. I hadn’t been here since I was five for her grandpa’s funeral so it meant nothing the first few weeks. The first year, even.”

Jaehyun turns, intrigued. “Then when my mom would make the long distance calls and send letters, my grandpa would joke around how I didn’t want to visit them at all – that I hated it here, similar to how he does with you. I didn’t hate it, I think I just wasn’t familiar with the lifestyle in comparison to back home where I don’t have to worry about if there’s hot running water.”

His hand inches closer to you. “In attempts to prove him wrong, I spent my time here helping him with the animals, going grocery shopping with him and my cousins and it drew me closer to this. After the second summer, we spent Christmas here too and the weather killed me but they seemed so happy that I joined.” 

Your laugh comforts him. He thinks about the times he’s attempted to help and failed your grandparents, it only dawns upon him that things take time and he shouldn’t dwell on them too much.

“Then in my last summer of college, I had taken an internship that promised a job right out of college– obviously it was a lie, I’m here.” You laugh bitterly. “I missed time with my family and my grandma ended up in the hospital. I felt so guilty the remainder of the year, even during winter break. I felt like it was my fault, that my absence was the small piece of the puzzle that could ruin it all.”

Jaehyun felt and heard the remorse in your voice, he felt the need to find a way to ease it with no avail, feeling as inutile as when the ram tackled you. It’s imprinted in his brain that no matter what, it will weigh on his shoulders that he’s not able to help no matter how much he tries.

“And I think the universe is funny and cruel enough that when the internship dropped me and said all vacancies were occupied, my aunt was the one to fall ill next. Forcing her back home with her own family. It was its way to make it up to me, as horrible as it sounds.”

You share a sigh, he takes your hand in his, reassuringly. You don't want comfort words, he knows that, he knows this is enough for you. “I think what I first felt when visiting is what you feel now with the exception that you actually have so much to do out there…” Jaehyun’s actions halt, lifting his head to look at your sorrow filled eyes.

He shakes his head, trying to convince himself and you. He clings to the delusion everyone helped create in hopes to be good hosts. He still has time, Jaehyun has time, he wants to believe it so please don’t shatter his joy so quickly, please!

“It’s okay, Jaehyun. You have to publish your book, we’ll always be here for you as they’ve been for me.” He’s not too sure how true that is. Life is never consistent nor forgiving, he’s learnt that in harsh ways. People’s care is conditional and based on time and familiarity, he’s been at the end of that stick.

Your hand takes purchase on his cheek, consoling him for what you have just said. You didn’t intend to cause this but you have to prepare yourself for what you’ve known all along. “I don’t think I want to go back and risk anything.” He mutters, eyes softening the longer he looks at you, the ride feels endless.

“You must… All there is for you here is inspiration.” They’re meant to comfort him but it feels more like you’re trying to convince yourself that you’ll be fine when he leaves. Jaehyun’s lips part ready to speak, words muted by the fireworks going off. Midnight has hit, it’s a brand new day and it’s received with pyrokinetic colors that aim to diffuse the pain he feels.

They illuminate your face, a smile forming in awe of how pretty they look. Not as pretty as you, Jaehyun is sure of that the longer he stares with the same smile on his face you adore. “I’ve found the life I needed all along.” His touch on your cheek brings you back to him, dumbfounded with what he meant. Inquiries answered upon feeling his lips softly land on yours.

Hands softly cradle your face, eyelashes tickling your cheek as you get a taste of him. It’s so soft and tender that you want to be here for the rest of the night, drowning the noises around you. If you’ve felt heaven before, it doesn’t compare to being with him like you are now. 

The crowded path didn’t feel claustrophobic, like it was just you two in the sea of booths, fluorescent lights and fireworks. The music drowned, his grasp on you doing its best to keep you with him for whatever time is left for you two.

He hadn’t noticed at what point you both had gone back until Ollie stepped in between you two. “So? Did you like it?” The giddy young boy questions, a bottle of beer in his hand, compliments from his cousin – your grandparents with their own as well, watching. Jaehyun nods, glancing at you. “More than anything.” He smiles widely, hypnotizing dimples present. 

Ollie giggles, a chant as he jumps near your grandparents telling them something that neither of you manage to hear, distracted by the shocking ice-cold bottle shoved into your hands. Your grandfather had been talking to your grandmother, both laughing about judgments thrown at people around them. Mean, yes, but it’s not often that they bond about things anymore.

The elder’s leg had been bouncing as they talked, cackling in the process of drowning whatever was left in the bottle. Jaehyun took notice of this, turning to the group playing up on stage a few feet away. People around were dancing, some seemed to enjoy themselves, others not too much – the only thing that mattered was the ambient and showing face. 

Jaehyun approaches your grandpa, asking if he was having a good time. The older of the two nodded, responding by showing the new bottle Ollie handed him. You scold both of them to not drink too much but they shush you. “It’s a party, Y/n. Liven up.” Ollie laughs, alcohol having gotten into his stream, demonstrated on how clumsily he clinks his bottle with yours and everyone else's. “Come on, let’s dance instead.” Pulling you in for a quick little shuffle. He’s not a great dancer, he knows it. He also knows his joy brings joy to your grandparents and you’ll do anything for them to maintain it.

You entertain Ollie, dancing despite him having already stepped on you multiple times. Apologizing with whines and puppy eyes that make you laugh. You push him off after a while, helping your grandfather up so he could dance with you. He’s overjoyed, finally having the opportunity to do what he loves so much, a pity your grandmother is the opposite. She’s content enough with just watching.

Jaehyun smiles, laughing in glee at how the ambient fuels his emotions. His own body swaying ever so slightly, brain trying to formulate how to dance to music he’s never heard. He thinks he gets it, it doesn’t seem too hard but he could be proven wrong and become Ollie’s mirror.

Your grandmother, ever so insightful, watches with a glint of content with how well he has adapted to the culture. Although, far more interested in the way his eyes don’t leave you. His ears are red, brighter than the light illuminating the stage and the municipal office. Jaehyun may try to hide how he feels, you may try, but she’s older and wiser. She’ll always know when love is around.

“Go ask her for a dance.” She elbows him to catch his attention, Jaehyun had been holding your grandfather’s seat. The mention alone caused his ears to brighten, crimson migrating to his face. He tries not to smile, it so happens to be that his muscles are treacherous and they emphasize the lines of his smile, deepening those dimples you love. 

Jaehyun shakes his head. Convince her that it’s okay, that he would rather watch, something she won’t allow. “Don’t coward away. When’s the next time you’ll get the chance?” Jaehyun ignores the heavy meaning of her words, he prefers to ignore the reality that slowly creeps in. Regardless, he nods, taking in the other point of view. He thanks her with a smile, standing up to walk towards you. Sacks of nervousness weighing him down, making his hands sweat.

“Mind if I take her from you?” Jaehyun clears his throat, head tilting, pleading. The older man cackles, pure and utter joy that Jaehyun has made a move. Frantically he nods, agreeing by pushing you towards the brunette who seems just as ecstatic as your grandfather. Given persimmon, Jaehyun takes your hand in his. Awkwardly figuring out how else he should position himself.

You watch amusedly, hiding your smile by pressing your lips together as if your cheeks and eyes were not a dead giveaway. “What makes you think I wanted to dance with you?” You tease, correcting where his hands and feet should go. The smile you try hard to hide slowly creeps in. Jaehyun doesn’t mind exposing his own, giggling when you begin to lead. “What’s this then?” He plays along, moving his feet and knees according to what he had examined. Raising your shoulders in a shrug, you don’t hold back your smile, a giggle following. “A lesson.” 

The dance doesn’t go smoothly, you have to teach him between laughs, both yours and his with your family’s in the background but he manages. Even if you all think his dancing is horrible, as bad as Ollie’s, the younger one takes the opportunity to capture you two dancing with Jaehyun’s camera. If there’s something to remember, it is this night and the love that has finally come into fruition.

The flash blinds you, stopping you two from dancing and even though Ollie whines for you two to continue, you both claim your feet ache. It’s not a lie on your end but the coyness from your family seeing you with a potential partner is a bigger deal.

It’s past two in the morning, obvious in the way your grandparents hide their yawns from your view, hoping to not ruin your night further. “Want to go home?” You walk towards them, a hand on your hip and genuine concern on your face. They admit they are tired but don’t want to go home no matter how much you insist. Ollie offers to drive them home while you and Jaehyun stay back longer but you’ve been away from them this entire night that you cannot fathom the idea any longer.

Ollie and your grandparents can try to convince you with the same story about Jaehyun’s limited time but that wasn’t going to work now. No, you stick to your guns and manage to get them in the car. Ollie had drank far more than all of you so he wasn’t apt to drive, instead Jaehyun volunteered, something that had excited your grandfather the most.

After removing the cinder blocks and putting them back in the trunk, Ollie walks towards your window, bidding everyone goodnight. You nag him, worried that he was drinking too much. He receives you with an “Okay, mom!”, the same phrase he’s been throwing around ever since Jaehyun had reached a month’s stay. It managed to get a laugh out of your grandparents, even from you and Jaehyun but it didn’t change that you still lightly swat his hand. “I’m serious, Ollie. Don’t drink anymore, stay back a bit but not too late, Okay?” 

The worry in your eyes makes him relent, nodding before kissing your cheek goodnight and shaking Jaehyun’s hand. The interaction forced a smile on his face, every single aspect of your tenderness making him melt more.

As the moon is his witness, Jaehyun has fallen in love with this village and you. Gracious the stars are that once you manage to get your grandparents in bed and meet Jaehyun in the kitchen, the two of you quietly make your way outside with nothing but moonlight to illuminate you.

“Want some coffee?” You ask, fingers familiarizing themselves with the texture of those yellow walls. “Do you not want to sleep?” He laughs, taking those same fingers to familiarize with the tenderness of his lips. The action makes your breath hitch. 

“Perhaps…”

His eyes meet yours, inching closer to capture your lips in another tender kiss. His hands find purchase on your waist, your arms wrap around his shoulders. It’s sweet and soft, his tongue managing to slip in your mouth to waltz with your own. The soft muscle forces a delighted sigh, one that he swallows graciously.

When neither can hold it for much longer, you separate, smiling like two fools. “So no coffee, then?” You laugh, one he reciprocates with a nod. “Too bitter, not as sweet as you.” The flirtatious remark is received with a laugh.

“You’re so cheesy.” You claim. “It’s worth it if it makes you laugh – it’s what I like to hear everyday.”

Jaehyun’s expression is serious, the adoration in his eyes letting you know how he feels. He may not pin a word to it but you can see his yearning and longing. You try to be in the same cloud he is in, to ignore the dooming reality but you can’t. You appreciate his affection and you reciprocate it but you also don’t want to become delusional.

“Jaehyun…” Your head drops, avoiding his look. He thinks he’s done something wrong and it aches horribly. “Yeah?” He squeaks meekly, head moving in hopes to see your eyes, to understand how the atmosphere became so somber. “How serious are you about this? You know how things are an–” 

“Don’t… Please don’t bring that up.” He begs, eyes shutting, no longer in need to understand what you meant. “You can’t act like you don’t have a life outside of here. You may stay all you want but eventually you will go back – there’s more to life than this for you.” Your head lifts, vulnerability not as heavy as his.

He tries to drown out your words, this night has gone too well for things to fall off already. He doesn’t want it to be bittersweet. Sure he can stay all he wants until it’s time to publish his book but he will come back so why are you being so cruel to him?

“Nothing compares to this, Y/n.” He holds your hands, hoping his warmth lets you know how much you’re hurting him but also how much he loves you. You shake your head, a small smile of unbelievability. “You’ve been here for three months, that’s still fine and dandy. It’s not like truly living here.” 

His eyebrows furrow, refusing to listen. “But you still love it here. I don’t know what you’re trying to get at.” His voice quivers, frightened that this is your way of ripping his heart out.

You sigh, squeezing his hands. “I do, I love it but I also think that I’ve been looking at this place through the same glasses you’re looking through. What I’m getting at is that, in the long run you’ll get bored, everyone I know has and they’ve left… Who knows, maybe even Ollie will leave and it’ll leave me here because no matter how hard I try to make a life out there, it doesn’t love me back.”

Jaehyun was perplexed, eyes scanning your face. He knows you’re projecting, that you don’t want to get attached despite already having done so, he hopes you could see inside him to understand that he doesn’t ever want to leave. He doesn’t want to leave you.

His hands cradle your face, kissing your eyelids, cheeks, nose, and lips for reassurance. “I can always come back. After publishing whatever I have in hand, I will always come back. You are the life that I needed all along, Y/n.” His whisper is heavy and sincere, the glimmer in both your eyes, evidence to what both feel.

Words don’t describe what you two feel, no matter how heavy they hang on your tongues. No, it’s best that you share it in another tender kiss that the stars and moon witness. Both end the conversation, convinced that the love you two port is stronger than the universe’s will.

Quick glances and kisses are stolen for the following weeks, everyone knows what both feel but it’s more exciting if you pretend as if this love is forbidden despite the encouragement and approval of your family. Ollie teases you two about the brewing romance, pretending to act like he didn’t say anything regarding it when you correct him that nothing is happening. It’s like a game for all of you, one that you all indulge in for the sake of excitement.

You had all agreed upon visiting a thermal spring this morning, the drive was somewhat long and it was best to arrive before other people did. Ollie was the most excited about it, he had begged his family to let him go for days until they agreed. It just so happens to be that the universe doesn’t often like to see him happy; you don’t appreciate that.

Ollie had arrived with a glum look on his face, saddened eyes when he sat in his usual seat next to the chimney. Jaehyun approached him with a cup of hot chocolate and a pat to his head. Your grandma didn’t take long to question the reason behind his state but he only sighed.

“They moved the pension collection to today. The offices will be closed until next month for remodeling so you two have to go in before the line gets long.” His lip juts out, looking at everyone with puppy eyes. 

You ruffle his hair, rubbing his back comfortingly. “We can go tomorrow, Ollie. Don’t worry…” You mimic his pout, his head rests on your hip, pressure tickling your hip bone. “No… Dad is taking me with him out of town for a few weeks to help with the ranch that hired him.” He doesn’t dare look at anyone. It’s not the first time he was taken to different places in the country but when they came back his dad usually kept Ollie locked in for a while until he became unbearable to keep in. It’s as if he relishes in your joint misery.

Jaehyun throws you a look, looking for ways to solve this crisis. He knows you don’t like the news, he hates them too. He’s grown so fond of Ollie that knowing he’s the first to go is causing a small turmoil in his chest. Sure, he may be back and Jaehyun will still be here but one never knows how things may turn out. 

“What if you and Jaehyun go? I have to take my grandparents for their pension so you two enjoy.” Ollie wishes things were that easy but his childish intuition fears that time is coming short and if you don’t spend more time with Jaehyun, he’ll feel guilty for whatever ending comes.

Ollie shakes his head, standing up. “No, it’s fine. You and him go. I’m going to take my dad anyway so I can take them too.” He attempts to smile even if he can’t. It dawns upon you that missing the trip isn’t his concern but not seeing any of you for God knows how long is what’s killing him. 

You try to deny, shake your head in protest. Jaehyun does so as well, it’s not that he doesn’t want time alone with you but knowing this is his last day with Ollie for a while is killing him. Your grandparents hadn’t said anything up until this point. They weren’t fond of swimming, they never did.

“Ollie is right, you two go.” Your grandmother spoke, standing to grab her purse. “I can’t leave you two, what if you need help?” You attempt and they protest, your grandfather jumping in by throwing in Jaehyun’s limited time. It seems they’re all far more in tune with reality than you two.

You don’t know how or when but they managed to convince you and Jaehyun to go. Both attempted to protest and cancel the trip all together but here you were, in your grandfather’s old and chipped red ford. The seats torn apart, a blanket hiding away its imperfections. The red leather of the dashboard hot under Jaehyun’s touch, its form of showing that you two being left alone was real.

That now you didn’t have to talk through a window in the bathroom to spend some alone time. You didn’t have to climb on the sink and hit your head on the roof just to see his face through the mangled chicken wire and be received by concrete flakes on your lips and eyelashes whenever you attempt to kiss through it. No, here you were able to hold hands and kiss without fear of being caught (even if it didn’t matter – everyone knew).

The roads were messy and bumpy, dirt flew all around which forced you to keep the windows rolled-up despite the sun’s rays being hotter than the actual weather. Worse off is that once he came out of the truck, a gust of cold breeze rained upon him. Showing him everything he had missed while struggling with heat and keeping dust out of your airways. 

It was a reward but also mockery, to him at least because you remained unphased, rejoicing on how lonely it was. “Reckon everyone is getting their pension, too?” You ask, hands on your hips, ripping some overgrown grass by your feet to make sure no venomous critters are around.

Jaehyun shrugs, letting his focus remain on his surroundings. It was amazing for him to see how deserted and destroyed this place was. Overgrown yellowing grass that stray cattle eat, ruins of houses from colonial towns signaling the fleeing of whoever had inhabited them before; your grandfather had later explained that the location was a town destroyed in the process of gaining independence.

What was prettier to him was the body of water he was here for. Multiple trees around, so green and alive in comparison to the remaining vegetation. The water is so clear and warm that he could see the steam rise the closer he got.

“Like it?” You question, to his side with towels on your shoulders. Jaehyun’s head whips, a smile on his face upon reaching for your hand, “It’s beautiful.” His fingers interlace with yours, camera in hand positioning it an arms length away when he takes the initiative to lean down and kiss you, capturing it all on film.

You shove him playfully, rushing to a dry rock where you can leave your possessions. He chases after you, removing his shirt and unbuttoning his pants. Your instinct to look away is something he does not miss and it causes a blush to creep up on his face.

He takes in the temperature of the water with his feet. Jumping back when he realizes it’s hotter than what he’s experiencing right now. “It’s not that bad.” You call out, pulling down on the bottoms of your dress swimsuit. Your smile softly falters when he doesn’t respond, rather his attention is set on how pretty you look.

The trees sway, leaving empty slots for the sunrays to seep through, illuminating you. Seemingly purposely done, to put you on a pedestal for him to look at with nothing else but admiration. That blush he had earlier rose again, one he’ll pretend is due to the water’s temperature.

“What are you looking at?” You tease, smile back on. Jaehyun approaches you with a shrug, shirt unbuttoned halfway. His fingers thread over the fabric of the straps, such a pretty lace decorated with satin red ribbon forming a bow at the front. “You.” He smiles, warm fingers touching your arms in hopes to feel closer than he already is in all senses. You don’t respond but he’s aware that the look you give him is fond.

Your hands mimic his, finding their way to his shirt and helping him undo the last few buttons, pushing off the linen to free his flesh and let it be kissed by the breeze – something you can only wish for. Once off you toss it to the pile of clothes and towels, cocking your head for him to follow you into the water. It’s glistening and steaming, soothing once his feet acclimate.

Silent sounds escape both, little by little submerging yourselves – your hands not letting go in any instance. “My mom and aunt loved to come here. They’re hypochondriacs – at least my mom is– always claiming a trip here was healing, holistic. Forcing my grandparents to put their feet in at least so the warmth would take away any aches.” Jaehyun could see how your free hand rubbed at your knees, mimicking their action. 

“Pretty sure they take from my grandma but my grandpa was more of a people pleaser so he’d tell them he felt much better just so they wouldn’t feel bad. I don’t really see how this can take away all your aches. I get that it can help temporarily but not permanently.” Your shrug and words may tell him so but Jaehyun can tell that your vigorous rubbing at your own joints was a form of subconsciously believing them.

“Maybe… It seems like a mutual interaction of comfort and understanding. Your mom and aunt try their best for their parents to feel better about their bodies wearing down and in turn they receive praise and appreciation from them.” 

Your hand stops its action, looking up at him with a hum. “I guess so.” You mutter, letting go of him to float on your back. “The writer in you just had to make it so philosophical.” he can hear the smile on your lips, your feet playfully kicking some water onto him to which he laughs, responding by splashing you too. Calling a truce when he was winning this battle.

As a way to comfort, he pulls you in for a hug. Your back to his chest, head resting on his shoulder and holding onto a railing to not float away far deeper. If it was for Jaehyun, he’d love to stay like this until it was time to go. For once in this entire trip you two have been truly left alone. No more sneaking kisses and late night talks through the bathroom window. It was just you and him an hour away from civilization with only the cattle as witness to the love you two didn’t speak about but embraced. 

There is nothing more Jaehyun wants than to have more time with you. He wonders if things would have been different if he had fallen for you much earlier or if you had. He’s not fully sure how much you love him, he knows you’re stuck on him leaving sometime in the future which is what hinders this from going forward but he truly wishes you could see that he has no intent on leaving soon or for too long. 

What if he had helped you clean the pen earlier? That would have meant spending more time with you and more outings with your family, surely. On the other hand, what if he had been useful enough during planting? It’s evident he would have never gotten close to you beside cordiality in the mornings and afternoons for meals and trips to the market. 

Jaehyun cannot think of a world where this trip would result in you two not becoming closer. He can’t fathom not getting to know and falling in love with you.

Sensing his pensiveness, you turn your head, looking up at him with a questioning look that he could only interpret as trying to read his mind. He’s noticed that quirk, the way your head tilts and your lips quiver in a way to mutter a “hm” without voicing it. He makes sure to receive it with a smile, leaning in to peck your lips that surely help you abandon your actions.

“It’s a bummer Ollie didn’t come.” He attempts to distract. “Would have been nice seeing him have some fun before leaving.” There’s more to what he had said. Jaehyun wanted to add ‘before I leave’ into his sentence, it’s hanging on his tongue despite how much his brain and heart attempt to keep him wrapped around his delusion of perpetual happiness.

“I think so too.” your body twists within his arms, facing him. “I was thinking of making his favorite meal for dinner once we get back. His dad always returns him skinnier and paler than how he leaves, I need him to keep his cheeks plump, don’t you think?” Your exclamation forces a chuckle out of him, nodding in response. 

“Help me find a gift for him too, then?”  “Don’t spoil him too much, he’ll be an even bigger pain than he already is.” “Oh come on, don’t be so mean to the kid. Let me, please…” Jesus, if anyone was to hear you two they’d think you’re talking about a child and not a nineteen year old. But that’s what Ollie is to you both. A child you saw as yours or your brother that Jaehyun would spoil while you scold him no matter how much you loved him. You’d reckon Ollie’s presence kept you sane even if he often teased you but his nature was enough to bring entertainment for you and joy for your grandparents. If Jaehyun looks back at it, Ollie reminds him of the young boy he met in that taxi on the way to that village. 

Reluctantly (faking so) you agree, rolling your eyes before pushing him off to swim away from him. He doesn’t stay too behind, chasing you for what feels like forever. Overworking your body for hours in such a hot body of water had rendered exhausting for both to the point that you basically had to drag each other out of the water just to lay on the cool metal ramp, gasping for air acclimation to avoid fainting. Jaehyun was far more concerned with you when he didn’t hear you speaking nor felt you moving, calming when you stick your tongue out at him for his nosiness although all you wanted was to see him smile.

“You complain about Ollie but it seems like the real brat here is you!” He exclaims, gaining momentum to swing his legs onto both sides of you. “Cry about it.” You mutter, a smile on your face; his hair hangs off, fuzzy around his eyes and dripping onto your cheeks. “Or… maybe I should do something to correct it.” His hair tickles your face, sticking to your cheeks the more his lips linger on them, testing the waters.

He relents when your arms wrap around his shoulders, leaving him flush over your body with nothing left but your lips to connect. They’re cold and pillowy, soft against your own just like his hands when they find purchase on your waist, holding you near as if the spring water below you will drag you out of his grasp, the last thing he needs. 

Jaehyun is gentle in the way he holds and kisses you. His hands knead your skin, warming against it the more they roam around to hold you closer. Your fingers thread through his hair, sending shivers down his spine that causes him to sigh into the kiss, enough for your tongue to slip through and deepen the kiss. The intensity rose, his hands felt much hotter against your skin the lower they went, scalding when one of them grips your upper thigh –avoiding the bruising from whitey’s assault– helping it raise to rest on his hip.

Tongues mingle amongst each other, the taste of the mango juice he drank earlier still coating it to which you enjoy against your own. The thin film of saliva on both of your lips helps them slot smoothly in a far more pleasant kiss. Jaehyun’s fingers knew how to tease you, tips tickling your inner thigh that forced small groans which begged him for more. 

More, more, more – Jaehyun would have given you everything if it wasn’t for the faint sound of music blaring and tires pushing dirt through Cattle began mooing, warning you of company joining, spoiling whatever comfort you two had.

You scramble to grab the towels, Jaehyun helps you, drying you off with his own and taking the remaining items under his arm to help you towards the truck, staying guard while you change into dry clothes coming in when you knock against the window. He doesn’t bother changing, claiming the air will dry him well enough upon. 

You cross paths with the incoming truck, nodding your heads in acknowledgment before embarking on another long ride. Small talk made here and there, he speaks about how much this road reminds him of Western America: dry vegetation and barely any trees insight but with lively mountains that shield anyone from the sun. You tell him that it seems interesting how he describes that part while detesting Connecticut but he laughs and shrugs. 

It’s not long until you stop at a gas station, the truck nearly empty and he still had to change into some dry clothes. He met you inside, walking through the aisles in search of a snack for whatever was left of the ride. 

Jaehyun doesn’t share your sentiment. He finds himself distracted by a corner of toys, a bright red truck similar to the one you’re transporting through catching his eye. It glimmers under the sun rays that make way through the window panels. Jaehyun thinks it would be a good gift for Ollie, a menial one for now.

Paying for the items and heading outside with you hand in hand, Jaehyun recalls seeing a photobooth by the bathrooms. He pulls you along with no response to your questions, motioning with his head for you to push through the red velvet curtain. The first image is neutral enough, smiling while looking directly at the mirror, the flash comes in and you two hold each other. By the last two flashes it resulted in engraving the image of you two kissing.

You laugh at him for sneaking in a kiss and having it on film, he shrugs you off knowing that it was an image he’d like to see at all times and he’s hopeful you do too. You still needed to wait for at least four minutes for the film strips to develop, leading Jaehyun to slot in more coins claiming he wanted Ollie to have something to remind the young boy of the two. 

Jaehyun truly wanted to say that he hoped Ollie wouldn’t forget that the two loved him. He hoped a flimsy piece of paper was enough of comfort to Ollie as they will be to him.

Pulling out a pocketbook rushedly, Jaehyun manages to scribble his support and appreciation for the young boy. That’s an image of himself alone, handing it to you to scribble something quick before the flash goes off again. The last two flashes are paraded with you two making faces you often made towards him – sticking your tongue out or scrunching your nose, the latter his favorite one.

“Good luck in your journey, you’ve done so well these past months!” “Ollie! Remember to eat all your meals and no buddy-budding with any louse. You’re a good boy!” “Fighting our lovely, Ollie!” Compliments of Jaehyun.  “We love you, Ollie. More than you think.” Now that comes from the bottom of both of your hearts.

Jaehyun bought a jacket for Ollie once back in the village while grocery shopping at the market for the voyage dinner. For the first time since he arrived you had trusted him to navigate the village on his own. The everyday route was engraved onto his brain, finding you shortly with the jacket in a wrapped box. You wanted to see it but he told you you’d have to wait until Ollie opens it, he didn’t want to re-wrap this himself.

Your grandparents and Ollie didn’t arrive until a few hours later when everything was set up already. Jaehyun arranged the table outside with a fine china that belonged to you, not the one in the cabinet. He had attempted to help you in the kitchen but backed off when he saw your eye twitch the second he mixed a pot on the stove. There he learnt that getting in your way while cooking wasn’t a good idea so he instead went to feed the pen animals and loiter around to write the letter he’d give the young boy with his gifts.

Ollie could have sworn this was a delayed birthday party. Jaehyun had arrived a week after Ollie turned nineteen, missing any form of celebration. Now he was complete, this had to be a form of celebration and not a voyage dinner, it just had to. Otherwise why would he be crying at the dinner table? 

Ollie would like to think his tears represented the impending doom you were all to face one way or another with his absence. Both figuratively and and literally; comically and realistically. 

The hands on his back and shoulders try their best to comfort him, whispers of how this was yet another trip meant to minimize the meaning of this but Ollie knew something was wrong, something none of you did just yet. He smiled widely, tears streaming down his face, laughing in order to control himself but your gentle wiping and hugs made him fall deeper into that feeling. His childish intuition as you all call it.

Jaehyun on the other hand decides to pull out his gifts in hopes it would help but it only made Ollie cry harder. The younger spews his thank you’s, hugging Jaehyun for comfort to which the older one takes, his own heart filling with such an aching pulsation. He ignores it, it doesn’t matter what he’s feeling, he wants Ollie to take a good look and remember him in a bright light.

Ollie wore the jacket all night and took it on his trip – along the letter–, never letting anyone touch it. He left the truck with you and your grandparents, he knew it’d be far more safe with you than with his brothers. 

The dinner didn’t spoil after his crying fit. Your grandmother had playfully scolded him to get a grip while your grandfather helped him with a shot of liquor. It progressed onto serving them all dinner, Jaehyun helping you throughout all steps while your grandpa complained about the long lines for their pension and all the old people as if he wasn’t one of them. Your grandmother only backed him up a few times, rebutting his claims in others just for the sake of arguing which caused laughs to leave everyone. 

It wasn’t anything new, Jaehyun had grown accustomed to their conversations. They may argue right now but other times the tone of their voices sounded harsh when all they were doing was conversing, as peaceful as they knew how. He wonders if this will ever be you two although he’s not sure he could raise his voice at you or vice versa.

Night had fallen faster than any of you would have wanted. Usually Ollie would leave whenever he pleased and no one would bat an eye but in the past hour his father had called nearly ten times and it was bothering your grandparents. You and Jaehyun too but not as much as the elders since they were the ones inside. Your grandmother had been yelling from her bed to tell Ollie his dick of a father was on the line again, in fact by the fifth call no one answered, they just knew. 

So when the tenth call had rung, Ollie who had been helping you put away the left overs answered angrily telling his father to fuck off and that he’d be on the way soon, received with some scolding from him that he didn’t finish spewing from how fast Ollie hung up. It didn’t mean your scolding wasn’t on the way with how piercing your glare was.

Like a kicked sad puppy, Ollie goes to you in hopes his affection would soften the blow. “That’s not how I’ve raised you, Oliver! Your dad may be a deadbeat but you still shouldn’t talk to him like that – at least in our presence!” Your fingers nip his earlobe, a yelp leaving his bitten lips and a grunt to follow. 

“You know my grandparents don’t like when you talk back so don’t do it again when they’re around, okay?” You say, a hand on your hip like a mother scolding her child. That’s essentially how you saw him and how he saw you. 

“So I can talk back in front of you?” A cheeky smile received with a soft pinch to his ear. “No!” Your smile betrayed your words. He giggles at the reaction he got out of you, twisting out of your grasp to take you into a hug. 

“I really wish you would just enjoy the present and the time you have with Jaehyun without dwelling on how long or how little he has left here. Enjoy the love he’s giving you and return yours, he needs it too, Y/n. For what is left...” 

He sighs, holding you in a firmer grasp. Words don’t quite describe what you want to answer with but you knew he was right despite your initial hostility. 

You kiss his cheek, nodding as a response. He mimics your actions before waving and heading over to your grandparents to bid his goodbyes before leaving through the middle room. 

Jaehyun doesn’t know why he disappeared after dessert. Perhaps he didn’t want to face Ollie when he left and had to say goodbye, he wasn’t good with those. So here he was, on the roof next to the water tank, filling it up as an excuse to why he was so detached from everyone else. It didn’t matter though, Ollie had found him immediately that when Jaehyun heard the clanking of boots he gifted the boy against the rusted ladder, he felt dread.

He pretended to be people watching, seeing how a guy on the right side cleaned his car (it is  meant to rain tomorrow or overnight). In the front, a woman bathes her dogs within the vicinity of her patio, the dog shaking and getting the water all over her. On the dirt filled path, children rode their bicycles, going around any ditches and potholes that would make them fall.

Ollie joins him, standing besides, focusing far more on how the sun was setting. He allows Jaehyun to speak first but frowns when he doesn’t; the faint sound of the phone ringing again makes him shut his eyes.

“Thank you for the gifts, you’ve done far more for me than my own dad.” He bitterly chuckles. Jaehyun turns to him, a small grin on his face that falls when the younger one speaks again.

“You’re avoiding me.” “No.” 

His voice wavers, eyes trying to show Ollie he wasn’t. Ollie chuckles again, shaking his head. 

“I get it, don’t worry. I don’t want to say bye either.”  “I don’t want to say bye.”

Ollie nods, looking at the sights Jaehyun had looked upon. The car was clean despite the sprinkling, a child had missed a bump and fell, and the dog was laying back on dirt.

“Jaehyun, it does mean a lot to me what you’ve done these months. You kind of suck with labor and all but you’ve been of great help.” He laughs, hoping his teasing jab will ease the tension. Jaehyun rolls his eyes, hitting the back of his head softly with a silent laugh. “I’m serious though, you’ve been of great help to Y/n, it’s not easy dealing with the house work and being a caretaker. I think you’ve helped liven her up more. I’m glad you’re able to think about your present with her. I hope it doesn’t change, you make her happy and we like seeing her this way.” Ollie sighs looking at his watch, the sun has set. 

“I hope you’re still here by the time I come back home–” He laughs, cutting himself off. “It’s not even my home.” 

“I’ve never felt more at home than here, I understand.”

Ollie smiles at his claims, he nods with a final sigh. Before going down he gives Jaehyun a final hug and a tight squeeze. The older man mimics his actions to demonstrate his own affection.

Midway down the ladder, Ollie stops and Jaehyun tilts his head. “By the way, this came after you left earlier today.” He pulls out a wrinkled envelope from his back pocket. Immediately recognizing the ivory color and red wax seal, all Jaehyun knows is that he won’t read it any time soon.

“Bye, Jaehyun.” “Bye, Ollie.”

–

Things didn’t go back to normal after Ollie’s departure, no matter how hard everyone pretended that this hadn’t created a rupture into the atmosphere – a breach to the eco. It goes to say that Ollie helped things feel easy and fun, he was the joy you all needed and now he was gone. Things felt mundane again and to Jaehyun this wasn’t a foreign feeling but one he did not want to have here.

A week and a half without him already feels like an eternity. You and Jaehyun wonder if this is what parents feel when their children finally part ways. 

On the brightside, his conversation with you helped you ease into what you felt for Jaehyun. Yes, you still sneaked kisses and affectionate touches here and there out of respect for your grandparents but it was so obvious what you two had that the elders didn’t tease you anymore for the glances and blush.

Mail day has arrived and Jaehyun once again has received a letter, one he thinks about throwing onto the pile of drafts he’s written and discarded. The letter Ollie handed him before he left tucked in between those. 

He thanks the mailman, putting down the rake he used to pick up fallen leaves. Your grandfather had taught him to put them in a pile to later be burned. He contemplates throwing the letter in, watching the red wax seal spread as it melts. He can't, though, the bold red letters screaming “URGENT!” make themselves present to him. 

Jaehyun sighs, shaking his head wondering what it was now as he opens the envelope. Simple greetings, some scolding and questioning, and a plane ticket. What? That was enough for Jaehyun to ignore his nonchalant attitude and let panic take over him. He took the effort to read over the letter closely without missing a detail. 

Why the hell would he have a plane ticket?!

‘Dear Jaehyun,

No, scratch that. What the hell is wrong with you? We haven’t heard back from you since that call and you’re not answering the one letter we sent you. We figure and understand you’re having a great time but it does not mean you’re meant to forget your responsibilities back home. Remember how you’re supposed to send drafts? Right, you haven’t done that and given the changes made while you’ve been gone it’s best you get to it!

We miss you so don’t regard this letter as totally reproachful. Please be sure to be here and don’t miss your plane. We’ll make sure to send a fax before you make it to the airport. Till then, enjoy your time and give us a call as soon as you can.

Sincerely, Jude.’

Well this has severed his plans and mood. Was it not enough to have one departure?

30 AUG 87, 17:30 time of departure, one way only. Red bold letters mirroring the ones that caught his attention to read the components of the letter. If he had known it was for this, he would’ve thrown it in the pile of leaves and act clueless if he was to ever receive an emergency call.

His aggravation was noticeable to you the second he stepped inside the vicinity of the patio. His face sunken, something it wasn’t before leaving to clean outside. Not to mention it seemed like he was biting the inside of his cheeks, holding in his breath as a form of repression. You watch carefully, pretending to not have noticed him while cutting sugar canes near his room.  

He sees you and he wants to ask something or at least find a way to begin this conversation. He should tell you, no? He should, he knows it but he’s scared and also a coward who waits for you to throw the first stone.

“Something happened?” Jaehyun stops by the step before the kitchen, facing you with a slight shake of head. “Um… does the phone run overseas calls?” It’s your turn to shake your head, firmly unlike him. “Alright, I’ll be back in a bit.”

He bolts out towards Gabby’s with the ticket inside his pocket, crumbled and wrinkled like the letter Ollie handed him. The older woman seemed to have understood the reason for his visit. The second she saw the familiar face, she pulled that phone she loved so much to the counter along with the catalog and timer, dialing the code before handing it to him. Jaehyun was thankful she didn’t drag it out, he needed answers immediately.

One ring, two rings, “Hello?” Good, rapid enough.

Jaehyun grips the phone, a tight hold that makes his subconscious scared that he’ll pop this heirloom. “I don’t want to go back!” Well, that’s a way to start a conversation. 

Hyunjoo laughs, calling Jude over to let him know their golden boy finally contacted them after four months. Jude wasn’t as kind as Hyunjoo, he took the fatherly role seriously and began berating the younger of the three on why he had gone rogue. 

“What if something had happened to you? Do you not care for what we feel, Jaehyun. If it wasn’t for this idiot I would’ve sent you letters and even gone to pick you up, so don’t ever pull this on us again! On me, again!” One can only imagine how red he was, up to his receding hairline. 

Jaehyun would’ve laughed in the past but now the life he’s built here is soon to crumble and he doesn’t like it. “It doesn’t mean you guys can just force me back! I’ve built something here, I have something going on! I love it here and I don’t want to leave!” He whines, obvious hurt in his wavering voice.

“Yeah, well, whatever you have going on should be finished soon. You know, you only went there for inspiration and to blow some steam off, Yuno. Nothing else, my boy.” If Hyunjoo was there he would pat his cheek reassuringly, unaware of how much Jaehyun hated his little acts of condescension and belittling. 

Jaehyun didn’t want to finish what he had here, he wanted to stay forever. He wanted to stay with you, your grandparents, and Ollie. He wanted to be here by the time Ollie came back to greet him with a big hug, a meal, and a trip to the hot spring he wasn’t able to enjoy before leaving. He wanted to build a life with you. Court you properly, date you, travel with you. Even marry you, he doesn’t care how early this is or how late, he wants you and everyone he’s learnt to love these months in his life. Of course his career had to get in between him and his happiness like always.

Jude sighs, massaging the bridge of his nose.  “Listen, Jaehyun… There’s nothing we can do, have you read the letter we sent you a few weeks back? That explains it all. Believe me when I say that if it was for me, you could stay there for as long as you want and go back whenever the book is published–”

“That’s the plan.” He interrupts, teeth gritting. Jude and Hyunjoo give each other a look, one that would make Jaehyun feel far more defensive if he could see it. “Jaehyun… things have changed within the publishing house. Go read the letter and we’ll see you Monday, yeah?”

Jude waited for an answer that Jaehyun never gave him. He hung up quite forcibly, receiving a glare from the store owner who muttered the amount. He didn’t stay for his change nor cared for her screams telling him to take it. Jaehyun was in an irritable mood that no one could take away from him today.

Things were definitely not fine. That’s as much as you and your grandpa could decree when Jaehyun crossed the patio straight into his room, closing the door behind him without uttering a word. The elder and you removed kernels in front of his window, under the tree for shade. You could hear him mumble incoherently, his eyebrows furrowing the further he read. 

“What bug bit him?” Your grandpa whispers, cocking his head to the open window. You shrug, throwing away the cob into a bucket, fuel for the chimney. “Go ask then.” So persistent and straight to business. “What? No! I’ll wait until he tells me, pa…” But you did want to ask him what was wrong, more than anything. It’s just that your cowardice won’t allow you. The older man rolls his eyes, clicking his tongue in disappointment while feeding the chickens with fallen kernels. 

Time and him can only tell what he’s feeling.

‘Dear Jaehyun,

For starters, we miss you dearly. At least I do but find it in your heart to believe Hyunjoo does so as well. We’ve respected your wishes on not contacting you, even through letters but it’s been over three months and you have yet to let us know how you are doing. Do you not care for mine and your family’s well being? I care for yours, I’ve been restless all these months wondering how you are doing. It’s far too irresponsible to not even contact your own family, Jaehyun.

Is the book in the works? How are the drafts? You know we needed drafts mailed throughout your stay, young man. How is the host treating you? I figure well enough if you haven’t contacted us yet. If not then I’ll see myself forced to call the national guard if I don’t hear from you soon!

Regardless, some updates on how things are going on our end. We’ve been able to fake some notices here and there to the publishing house about yours and the drafts whereabouts. If you must know, if you haven’t figured it out already – which is possible, being in such an isolated village… – Mark is in the process of publishing his next book. His last ones have been a great success and been able to knock some of yours from bestsellers therefore things are becoming harsh around here.

The publishing house wants you back immediately and wants your book ready. Hyunjoo has managed to give you more time before it’s edited and the final print is chosen but the new investors are pushing the house and they are desperate for a contender against Mark’s book. So please, cut your time short and don’t miss your plane! I’ll make sure to send the ticket soon when I’m able to obtain it.

Best regards,  Jude.’

Jaehyun doesn’t know what to think. He now understands multiple jobs are on the line but so is his happiness. Even so if he goes and turns in whatever he has – which isn’t enough for even a first draft – what guarantees all of them that it will be published by the time Mark’s is? They can’t just publish some nonsensical thoughts he’s scribbled down for the sake of beating another child protege author. 

Mark’s work is far different from Jaehyun’s, he’s youthful in the way he writes, his metaphors are far more enthusiastic and fun. He’s great within young audiences and those seeking to remove themselves from melancholia. He’s everything Jaehyun isn’t and in both their brains, they know they can’t compete for something neither are reaching for.

Matter of fact, that’s not his concern right now. His concern is on how to break the news to you and your family. He’s supposed to leave by the end of this week, what are you going to do in such a short notice? What is he going to do in such short notice? Things were finally starting to align, why must bad things always happen to him– you– both.

One thing is for sure, he has to tell you immediately. But first he’s going to go back to Gabby’s and buy whichever pack of beers and some chips, maybe even some bread in case you feel your blood pressure rise (he’ll eat it, most likely). Arriving there and getting the items, he’s grateful the older woman honored the change he had left, even gifted him a chocolate as she sensed that something was off. Jaehyun thanks her and contemplates on saying goodbye but it’s too soon. Instead he nods and waves on his way back.  

He doesn’t have the courage to go past the threshold, opting to sit on the uncomfortable and textured concrete bench by the door of your’s and your grandmother’s bedroom. He hears the loud melodrama of her soap operas and the sewing machine she doesn’t leave alone. Another dress for you, he figures she’s making.

There’s the faint sound of music coming from your grandfather’s car, the one he and Ollie worked on often and that Jaehyun began helping with due to his absence. It pains Jaehyun to know that the elder will once again lose the aid he claims to not want but appreciates wholeheartedly. 

His sigh elicits company, or perhaps the pop from the beer bottle had attracted it so here you were, standing by the metal threshold that separated you and him from inside to outside. Your head tilts, looking at him as if trying to read the grievances on his face. 

“Misery likes company.” 

Your voice makes his head snap, eyes glistening while drowning in the sweetness of your company. He smiles shortly, patting the empty spot to his right, the sun is setting fastly. 

He takes your hand into his, kissing the palm and fingers before pulling you in for an embrace. All of this was scaring you the more and more he remained quiet and it only seems like your brain was already processing the inevitable.

“Got a letter from my manager…” “So?”

“My “rival” is putting out a book soon according to them and they want me to send in a draft already for the final print.” His fingers curl at the quotation marks, rolling his eyes at how stupid it all felt. “Ah… well, do you have anything to send then?” He shakes his head, apologies on your face. “We can stay this entire week so you can work on it, how does that sound? Pa doesn’t have to check on the crops any time soon and there isn’t really anywhere else we could go, not anywhere near.” 

There’s so much pep in your voice that it hurts to think about how short the remaining days will feel. He has to tell you and he has to tell you now.

“I leave this Sunday, Y/n.” “Oh.”

Jaehyun didn’t mean to say it like this but how else was he meant to? He didn’t want to drag it out longer nor agitate you but he also didn’t want to hurt you and that’s all he can read on your face. Hurt.

Misery does love company.

Your body slumps against the adobe wall, harsh against your backbones. The hand he holds falls limp against his touch and all Jaehyun can do as comfort is kissing it before placing the open bottle in your hand, opening another for himself. 

He hadn’t had the time to burn the pile of leaves and the sun was far more foreign by now. That shade of blue coloring his face, an obvious demonstration of his feelings from the past hour. Yet it’s you who takes the initiative to take out the box of matches from the apron you wear, forgetting that you were cooking dinner just to check up on him.

The flame catches fast, rising as you whisper your grievances into it, taking a sip of your drink. Jaehyun doesn’t say anything, he tries to take a hold of your hand but he hesitates, fearful that you won’t want it. Instead he throws both letters onto the fire, helping its consumption and anger. At least now you both have let something go.

The morning after, both elders made sure to not ask any favors out of him and let him to his own vices. They understood he’s meant to get his work done so they didn’t want to add stress onto him. But this continued onto the third and fourth day of the week and Jaehyun was aching more and more as his time fell short. He felt just as inutile as his first week, if not more than that week. He also felt his heart ache only having meals to spend with you all but even then he began feeling like the foreigner he was.

Conversations with him were as cordial as before but not as cheery. They asked about his book and what he had ready. They asked if his suitcase was prepared and if he was happy to go back home. Your grandpa did his best to joke around but would soon drop it when he felt his voice tremble. He’s always worn his heart in his sleeve and another one he saw as a son will now leave him again.

Your grandmother on the other hand was the most level headed. She made sure Jaehyun was kept on track with his work and even helped clean his room when he begged her not to tire herself. She’s faced much loss and pain, a stranger leaving wasn’t going to knock her down. If anything, she feels for how you will act once he’s gone.

By dinner time you and your grandfather had bolted out of the kitchen, feeding the animals any leftovers and giving them their own meal. That left him and your grandmother in the kitchen. She was in the process of taking some water from the bucket in the chimney, he did it instead. Pouring it into another container where your grandmother would then add cold water for balance.

She thanked him and told him he should go back to work but Jaehyun didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to be alone, he’s been so for the past three days and it’s corroding his soul. He wants to take away the happy memories, he wants his final days to be fun. He’s begging for you all to not do this to him. He needs contact and affection, he needs it.

“So… you have everything ready?” She tries to converse, passing the soapy sponge over the dirty plates. He nods, rinsing it. “Not excited, I’m guessing.” Jaehyun’s pout is enough of an answer. “Look at it on the brightside. You’ll be able to get it over with and the doors here are always open for you.”

He should know she means it, the problem is that he doesn’t know when he’ll be back. How long will it take for the book to be published? How long will promotions last? What if he’s forced to work on something else straight after? Jesus Christ, he’s not even back yet and he’s already stressing about his reality.

“Yeah?”  “Yes.”

Jaehyun smiles at her. 

“Will you take care of Y/n for me?” He asks again, putting away the dishes he’s rinsed. She laughs nodding, “She’s taking care of us, I think she’ll manage well.” Jaehyun laughs as well, feeling foolish. “I don’t think you should worry too much about her, Jaehyun. She’s strong and can handle this. As long as you two keep in contact, I believe it will be fine.” She pats his back, leaving a wet hand print that warms his muscles. 

He contemplates on taking the advice. Your grandmother has said everything he already knows about you but perhaps he’s projecting his own feelings. He’ll need another source for advice and there’s no one better than your grandfather.

Jaehyun excuses himself, rinsing and drying the few dishes left before walking out to help your grandfather on the car. The older man sat pensive while looking around the vehicle, loud music coming out of it to drown any thoughts. 

Hopping on the co-pilot seat, Jaehyun smiles at him, dusting away some stray picked up dust. “It’s looking better now.” He compliments, your grandpa nods, humming with a following hearty laugh. “You’re much better at this than me.” The older one shakes his head, continuing his laughter. “These things take time, you just need to practice more. When you come back I’ll help you with it.” Your grandpa is far more hopeful than the rest of you, that reassures him enough.

“You’ll let me in again?” 

“Yes. You make my kids happy and you’ve been of great help even when you didn’t have to.” His laughter subsided, turning into a smile he was struggling to maintain. “It’s a shame you’re leaving so soon.” He hiccups, waterworks on the way. “We’ll miss you, kid. Especially Y/n…” The mention of your name was enough for him to begin his silent sobs, tears beginning to spill. 

If there is one thing he can count on is your grandfather expressing what you and your grandmother aren’t able to. Jaehyun sniffles himself, comforting with some rubs to the older’s shoulder before hugging him. Now he knows how appreciated and loved he is and for that he is thankful.

Your grandpa attempts to stop crying, laughing in between to seem like everything was fine. That was always his way of trying to control himself. “You’ll come back, right?” Jaehyun nods, smiling at him while wiping away a stray tear. “As soon as possible. I want a life here.” Your grandfather smiles at him, looking straight to where his headlights shine.

“I’m not from here either. I was born and raised in a city an hour or two from here– you’ve been there, that’s where the airport is.” Jaehyun recalls his first day, the bustling and loud city with historical architecture. It was beautiful, surely, but it doesn’t compare to this village and its own beauty.

“I’ve worked my entire life since I can remember, seven to be specific. By eighteen I found myself here, I was young and my only experience came from the mines and cleaning cars but agriculture is a booming business here so somehow I found my way to a ranch that was hiring to work on machinery. I didn’t know how to work a car let alone a tractor but I was hungry and needed money to send back home. My dad died when I was only three and my mom was left alone with five kids. I had to help her. I lied my way through with the owner and I was young so he took me in.” 

Everyone starts somewhere and soon falls in love with the place.

“I stayed at a shack they had built by plots, their own home wasn’t too far so I often went by to ask for a glass of water. That’s when I met Y/n’s grandmother. She’s always been this cold and serious. I would chug the water down and then beg her for more. She would roll her eyes and complain but would always come back with it filled to the brim, ice cold.” He laughs, tears finally gone. 

“From then on I kept trying to talk with her even if she pretended to hate it. I’d ask her sisters and sometimes her brothers but it was tricky, I didn’t want them to beat my ass up for thinking about their sister! So, I would have enough with whatever conversations we would have when she brought the workers drinks and food or at dances. One time her own father told me to ask her to dance and since then I never left her alone. With his blessing, then none of her family would interfere and sooner than later I asked her to marry me so here we are, sixty years later and twelve kids.”

“Is this you giving me your blessing to be with Y/n?” Jaehyun half jokes but there’s so much sincerity in his voice that he can’t deny being hopeful. The older man nods and laughs, clasping his back. “As if you needed it… I often went back to my own family but still came back because I love this place and everything it has offered me. Similar to you… I hope your love for Y/n is as strong as mine was years ago. I would hate to see a different fate for you two.”  

Jaehyun didn’t know how to respond to that, he truly wished to be back as soon as possible and he would fight tooth and nail to make it possible. Yes, it’s different from him and your grandfather due to the distance but he will make it work because he loves you, he loves you so much that he can’t seem to express it properly. 

“Thank you…” “It’s just advice.”

The older man leaves him to his vices and thoughts. With another laugh and a nod bidding him goodnight, he turns the car off, leaving Jaehyun in the dark.

Jaehyun thinks about both conversations all night. He feels a sense of relief knowing he’s had a heart to heart with two of the most important people in your life. It’s good to know they approve of him and the love he has for you. He hopes you’re as understanding and hopeful as your grandparents.

Saturday came as a surprise to him. The roosters weren’t the ones to wake him up, it was your grandpa who excitedly told him to gather all his things. Jaehyun tried to question what was going on but the elder gave him no time. His hearty laugh was enough of an answer, taking the few suitcases he saw in the corner while pushing Jaehyun into the restroom to get ready. He’s not sure what’s going on but he won’t protest, it’s the first time this week that he feels included.

Within half an hour everyone was ready, Jaehyun noticed you too were surprised by the sudden change of plans. You weren’t your usual put-together self and kept yawning resulting in you sleeping throughout the entire car ride. He took this moment to take pictures of the road. Previously he had compared it to his time in West America, he now doesn’t think it’s too comparable. The vegetation is bright and green, most of it coming from incoming crops and lively trees.

Within an hour your grandfather stopped at a town, it was time for breakfast. Both raved about the food despite how spicy it was while you and your grandmother made fun of them. Jaehyun took this chance to take more pictures, candid ones of you and your family with the prettiest decoration in the background. Every memory counts.

Afterwards, you all take a moment to explore the quaint town for a bit, simply so Jaehyun can get some souvenirs. It reminded him of two past towns he’s visited during his time here. One where he had to fight for a seat to be able to eat. Meal which ended up being one of the most disgusting things he’s ever had. He won’t ever tell the rest of you that but you share his sentiment. The second one being where your grandpa struggled to find parking and almost left. He likes that one better.

It’s not to say this town isn’t beautiful, it is. It’s historical, colorful, and calm. Very calm and quiet, something that reminds him of the best village which is where he resided for the past few months. How he loves it there and he’ll hold it to his heart.

Getting his pictures and souvenirs, it was set to take another two hours on the road, only stopping when having to use the restroom which unfortunately due to age is something your grandparents needed often. In those moments Jaehyun would reminisce on the day you two took those photos and bought Ollie’s truck, the one he saw daily perched next to the fine china in the cabinet with a passport picture of him. 

“Well here we are, the city I was born in.” Your grandfather’s voice made sure to take away the last bits of drowsiness from you. Your last visit was at fifteen and from the looks of it, nothing had changed. It’s amazing for Jaehyun to tell how different life was between the countryside and the city. The moment you all came to see the skyscrapers and bridges, it felt like a totally different part of the world. It was louder, much more polluted and littered, but for sure not horrendous. Your grandfather made sure to tell him the story of this city like he had done for every village and town visited. 

For the majority of the day you all spent it looking around. At the entrance, your grandparents pushed you to ride on the cableway that dropped you off directly downtown. You tried to make them get in it with you both but they excused themselves with being too old and preferring to meet you there with the car. You all knew it was so you and Jaehyun could spend a couple of minutes alone.

“It’s pretty.” “Not as pretty as home.” 

Jaehyun smiles at you, taking your hand into his. You return the gesture, squeezing his warm hand in yours. 

“Is your city pretty? I’ve heard it is.” 

“I’m not talking about where I’ll go back, Y/n. I’m talking about back home. With you, your grandparents, and Ollie.” He wraps an arm around your shoulder to pull you closer. Within you and the colorful buildings beneath, Jaehyun is sure to say the view during his time has always been beautiful.

“Do you truly want a life with me?” You shift, close yet with a distance. It was a simple answer, there’s no reason to lie. His smile, dimples, eyes, and even his reddened ears told you he did. Words are preferable though. “Yes.” leaves his rosy lips, kissing you to imprint the confirmation.

Only time will tell how true to his word he is.

You met your grandparents shortly, both bickering about where to reside when night befalls. The topic fell to deaf ears, prefering to explore more about the city. Murals that he wouldn’t forget, traffic as bad as where he resides with the exception that entertainment began the second redlights turn on. Street food that smells delicious and calls his name within every second. 

It’s similar yet so distinct from what he has learned to love. It’s clear to him that no matter how familiar you are to one thing, there will always be more to learn about it. 

It was near dinner time and within an hour or two from sundown. That forced your grandparents to argue again about the same thing from earlier. This time you two got to learn that your grandfather wanted to rest in his childhood home with his family while your grandmother wanted to avoid that at all costs. She’ll tolerate a visit but won’t give them the benefit of being their host, that’s her role. Not to mention she won’t forget all their wrongdoings towards her and her husband no matter how much the latter attempts to have a happy family.

Words thrown here and there, you all decree to eat out. Both you and your grandmother brought up the time his sister cooked unhygienically that he ended up having a stomach bug for the following three days. He laughs at this and leads you all to your favorite spot, somewhere Jaehyun yearns to taste again for years to come.

You all do end up visiting his family before the sun falls, a quick in and out situation. Jaehyun didn’t pay too much attention to the conversations, he was more entranced with the portraits on the walls and the cracks of chipped paint that told the story of this home.

“Why do you keep looking at the cracks?”

Your voice forces Jaehyun to turn to you, extending his hand to feel your warmth. “Do you think they’re due to poor care or the house growing old with its inhabitants? Your grandpa said he doesn’t recall the ones from this wall.” Your head tilts, looking at them as if you two were in a museum. Perhaps you should take him there tomorrow before his departure. 

“Will you write that in your book?” He laughs, taking you into an embrace. “Okay smarty pants how do you word it normally, then?” You return the gesture. “I wouldn’t even think about it for starters, there’s so many back home. Why would I care about this one?” 

“I’ve seen how much care you all give the home, there’s barely any cracks. The question is answered for that house.”

“Then… I guess you can find an answer for this one. We’ve been here for an hour or so and there’s plenty more people living here who haven’t greeted them at least.” 

You both turn to your grandparents. Grandma sitting silently and aggravated in the corner with a cup of water that she hasn’t touched. Your grandfather enjoys his talk with his sisters despite their spouses talking over and for them. His nephews and nieces, nowhere seen but heard through these same cracks Jaehyun wonders so much about. 

Yes, he has his answer. A house without love crumbles faster.

The sun had fallen sooner than expected and with that your grandmother finally found an excuse to leave. The other elders offered to let you all stay with no avail when even your grandfather told them it wasn’t necessary. He knew of a nearby hotel, clean, and hospitable that you could all stay at and his wishes were final. 

Immediately as the doors were closed behind your backs, the ruckus of the other four families living there could be heard. It’s clear as day where their intentions laid and why not a single picture of you or your family was on their walls.

When questioning why he denied their offer knowing other times he’d agree immediately, he only muttered a simple: “They didn’t even greet you or Jaehyun. What kind of hosts will they be?” Jaehyun felt a part of the family.

Room distribution went as follows. Your grandfather and Jaehyun would share a room, each with their own bed. Same thing applied to you and your grandmother, a concept you knew too well. This was the first and final night in which you two wouldn’t share a kiss through the bathroom window. You miss it like you’ll miss him.

The following morning isn’t as kind to either of you. The previous day none of you were able to process the severity that it was his final day with all of you. Enamored with what the city offered and the warmth of feeling loved by everyone within the circle, no one felt the harsh reality that is now overcoming you all. There’s ten hours left of his stay.  

Silence is the first thing that you all notice, no matter how hard you all try to erase it. Being aware that time is ticking weighs down on your shoulders. Walking through these streets feels slightly surreal. Like a Dali painting, walking through a sea of melting clocks. A torment is what he’d call it.

He manages to get a few more souvenirs, he’s not sure for who or if he’s trying his best to collect every single piece as a memory, he’ll lean towards the latter. Besides, he snags some final gifts for you, your family, and even Ollie, it’s the least he can do besides memories. He’ll be taking those and who knows when he’ll be able to show them to you all.

Within the fifth hour your grandparents rendered themselves tired and tried forcing you two to go on your own. Jaehyun didn’t want that, as much as he loves time with you, he also loves spending time with them. The two have taught him many things, brought many laughs and anecdotes he cherishes dearly.

To be maintained happy, he invites you all to a final dinner. It’s much earlier than usual but he would miss his flight if you’d have to wait till usual hours. Your grandparents attempt to protest, claiming they’re bad hosts if they let him pay but they’re fighting a losing battle and Jaehyun will make sure he can grant them everything before he goes back to reality.

It’s by far enjoyable and it helps him reminisce on all previous meals within those cold adobe walls he loved since day one. It’s dim in the restaurant, recalling the time it rained so hard the streets became rivers and light went out for the remainder of the day. You all ate under candle light while your grandparents told scary stories of the village.

Dinner was the only condition for you to leave your grandparents to rest. With all the heaviness in his heart, Jaehyun fulfilled their wishes. And while you thought it was best to leave them at the hotel, the two continued their stubborn streak and ended up sitting at a park to people-watch. Naturally, they needed live entertainment.

Three and a half hours left, so little time and so much left to do. 

You essentially were a tourist just as him, both experiencing new attractions that you only saw in passing the one time you came by. It led to both jumping from museum to museum. National and independent, art and history, for food and tools. It didn’t matter but it filled the empty space and the forced silence helped neither of you spill what flooded your minds.

“I liked the tools museum better.” You retort, almost skipping down the steps to avoid the sun rays. It was much hotter than it ever had been back in town. “Really? I thought the history museum was really nice.” He covers his eyes, rushing to your side. “Nothing Pa hasn’t told you.” He nods, shrugging with a little shimmy to his shoulders.

He looks at his watch and sighs, there isn’t much time left. “Where to next?” His words form a pit in your stomach, forcing yourself to look at the numbers on it. You ignore it, dawning on you that you’ve never spoken in-depth about his job. What’s your thought process when coming up with your books?” 

He hums, “For my first books, they were all inspired by cases I heard back home. Where I was born. They’re bleak but there’s still a sense of hope. On top of it I read a lot of Dostoyevsky and Tolstoy growing up so I felt like a cynic comparing both their work, trying my best to create a middle ground that would represent me.” He cocks his head, it’s a bitter taste to him these days. 

“Those two lead to my last two. I’m not fond of them, I won’t lie. They’re rushed and robotic, it’s noticeable in the tone but the publishing house wanted something fast and since they sold well, they didn’t care about how I felt, that’s why I’m here now. They wanted this book to be rushed and as miserable as those but I can’t handle writing anything of the sorts anymore. I would’ve ended up like Plath, Hemingway or Dazai if I wrote about how miserable life is once again.”

Jaehyun couldn’t understand if the look on your face was pity or empathy, he didn’t want to see it. “Don’t worry about this one. I’ve found meaning and great inspiration. I’ll dedicate it to you.”

You laugh against his lips, pulling away to kiss his cheek. “How will I know when it’ll come out?” He shrugs, kissing your hand. “I don’t either but I’ll make sure to deliver the copy straight to you.”

“What makes you think I’ll still be here by the time it’s published?” 

Jaehyun was under the impression that you’d be here too. Your grandmother had reassured him they would always have their doors and arms open for him but he never thought that meant without you.

“I’ll find my way to you even if I have to go to the end of the world so I can read the token of my adoration for you.”

‘Of my love’ is what he wants to say, hanging on his tongue yet too scared to dive out. You seem to read his mind, kissing him instead to swallow what neither of you can say just yet.

 There was still some time left but nothing else worth seeing. Perhaps it was best to gather all your belongings from the hotel, you had the keys to the car and it shouldn’t take you too long. By this point it would be best to waste time at the airport, as dreaded as it is.

Upon arrival time made itself present. The father clock in the lobby allows its ticking to echo through the tiles that you love. The ones in each room weren’t any better. Screaming far louder than the rest that when Jaehyun finished packing his and your grandfather’s bag to make way towards your room, all he could hear was the ringing in his ears. Dreadful and painful as the feeling in his heart.

He watched you look through the night stands, making sure your grandmother’s medication wasn’t left behind. He had done the same for your grandfather, his medicine case tucked inside his bag. There’s a forlorn look in his eyes, you don’t miss it when turning to smile at him, comfortingly. You want to ask about it but fear it will consume you as well if you dwell on it.

“Ready?”

Jaehyun shakes his head, joining you on the bed and taking you in a tight embrace. In every sense he wasn’t ready to part ways. You try to laugh it off, kissing his cheek and tightening your grip. Your hands caressing his back to bring some type of comfort but it does the opposite.

Jaehyun can now understand why your grandfather breaks down so easily. The weight of one’s emotions are soon to leave when you allow yourself to be free. That may also explain why he’s always so joyful, he’s free of all his grievances but for Jaehyun it will follow him for eternity if things are not fixed as soon as possible.

“This isn’t the last time, Jaehyun… Please don’t cry.” You cradle his face, wiping away his tears that shine like diamonds under the sun rays peeking in through the window. He hiccups, sniffling to control his sobs. “It doesn’t change how difficult it is to say goodbye.” He pouts, lips so rosy and puffed. You kiss them tenderly for comfort and warmth, it’s the least you could do. Words aren’t your forte and you don’t want him to see how gutted you truly are despite trying to hold a front all this time.

Jaehyun returns the actions of affection, holding you for dear life while kissing you like no tomorrow. Muffled words leave him, incoherent to you yet you swallow them. Like the blood of Christ, you don’t let a blood drop if it means your salvation.

“I-I” He attempts to sound what he wants to say, you don’t allow him. Shaking your head fervently, slipping your tongue in the cavity of his mouth to mute him further. You know what he wants to say but if he does, it will make things far more difficult than they already are.

Jaehyun submits to your cowardice and lets the ticking of the clocks guide him. His hands hold your body near him, pulling you onto his lap to feel you closer. He wants more and so do you, God knows when you’ll meet again. 

Fingers threading through his hair, sliding down to his neck, kneading the warm skin you love so much. The actions lead to silent mewls to leave his lips for you to take. You’re so appreciative of the gift that you deepen the kiss, letting his hands roam under your blouse to feel you closer and closer. It’s your turn to gift him a sweet sound that he wishes he could trap into a music box for him to wind and listen to it on repeat daily.

Jaehyun decrees that your blouse is in the way. Too thick and cold, nothing like your skin as he feels now. His large hands take a firm grip of the textile, pulling it off. You’re exposed and he can read what your heart has hidden all this time. Jaehyun prefers to kiss it away, his pillowy lips delicately falling against your chest. Kissing it tenderly to create more of those pretty sounds that hypnotize him. 

You hold him while he does, kissing the crown of his head. Granting him what he wants while your hips softly rock against his, friction forcing him to become rougher. A soft gasp leaves your lips when he softly nips the goosebump filled skin, nimble fingers undoing your brazier. One hand covering one while his teeth take your nipple in between them.

“Jaehyun…” It’s all he wanted to hear. His tongue is warm against your tit, kissing it like his life depends on it. Perhaps it does, neither of you are sure but prefer to act like so. You on the other hand work on unbuttoning his shirt, the cool linen doing no justice to the warmth of his skin that you crave. Little by little you both feel closer to each other. 

He gently lays you down, between the warmth of your bodies and the sunrays witnessing your farewell ritual, the cold had nothing against you. You watch him, admiring every crevice of his body while pushing off your bottoms, leaving you bare for him to gawk at while unbuttoning his pants. 

Your giddy smile teasing him to hurry, giggles reinforcing the sentiment. Taking his shaft in between his warm hands, Jaehyun begins to pump slowly. You attempt to replace his hands with your own which he denies. Your touch will send him overboard without even beginning.

Instead he crawls on the bed and over you, kissing you like he always does. With sweet adoration and love, one you take thankfully. You make sure to cradle his face, his upper body in contact with yours as his fingers thread closer in between your legs. The digits waltz around your inner thighs, reminiscing on the path you and him often took to the plaza and market for your daily shopping trips.

He smiles into the kiss, the memories of all he’s experienced with you consuming him. The position alone brings him to that day at the hot spring where you two began this but never got to go further. The wait was over and he had you here. Caged between his arms, flesh against flesh, warmth radiating and your pretty sounds that he couldn’t get enough of. 

Slowly his fingers intrude the cavern between your legs, a gasp leaving your lips that helped him deepen the kiss. His tongue enters your mouth, finding yours immediately to participate in a waltz where the two could share the words that neither of you were strong enough to share. His fingers curl and pump languidly within you. The action is so foreign and long forgotten that you feel like putty beneath him. 

His name falls from your lips like a prayer, warm breath danced across his skin. Lips perfectly wrapping around the flesh of his red earlobe. He’s so sweet and easy to digest, you wish to swallow him so he never leaves you but you know that can’t be so you will make do with what these few minutes can bring to you.

It’s not far off that he takes his fingers out of you, sticking his tongue out to savor you. Just as sweet as you find him. He moans in delight, rubbing off the dripping essence on his throbbing cock that had earlier been rubbing up against your leg. Jaehyun looks directly at you while pumping himself once again. You no longer look playful but rather hungry and desperate. You needed him like one would need air. Like an addict needs their fix and you fear yours will be taken away from you once you’re both done. The ticking clocks are making it boldly aware.

His eyebrows turn up, eyes softening as if asking if you’re ready. You nod as a response, replacing his hand and continuing his strokes, dragging him downwards slowly in the process. He knew if you touched him he would be thrown overboard, he’s near it but he’ll try to last just for you. And for the sake to excuse being together for longer.

Jaehyun fixed his position above you, nudging your legs minimally to fit between them. He went in slowly, bit by bit. Avoiding any discomfort that he could bring you. You pay him with pleasured moans and kisses to shut yourself up, he graciously takes them. 

“I–” he wants to say it, he wants to tell you how much he loves you. This feels like the perfect time. You shot him down again with that sweet smile of yours, shimming your hips to which he responds by beginning his thrusts. They’re gentle and steady, enough to make you feel something that you’re only able to describe through silent mewls. He holds you tightly, pulling one of your legs above his hip. Jaehyun tries everything to feel you closer, he wants to go deeper and deeper to no avail, his thrusts can only go so far and it makes him yearn for the possibility that he could have more of you but so little time and resources to figure it out.

Jaehyun can’t believe this is it. He’s thankful this is the memory of you he’ll take with him, he’ll cherish it with every fiber in him, treasuring it like one would the eucharist. All he could think about was how wonderful you felt and how perfect your body molds to his. If this isn’t a sign that you’re meant for each other then he doesn’t know what is. 

He worships you in these moments and will continue to do so when he’s gone. He now understands the feeling devotees feel when finding their God and as sacrilegious as it is, Jaehyun’s mind won’t change. He loves you, he loves you, he loves you…

And most of all you feel his love within you. It manifests itself through tears streaming down your cheek, moans muddled with sobs that he can’t decipher to stop and comfort you or continue his thrusts. You answer for him, begging him to keep going, that you’re so close but he knows there’s more to those words besides lust.

He prods, kissing you, being the one to beg this time to let him know what was wrong but you smile and kiss him along. Leaving a trail of kisses along his jugular and shoulders, hands grasping to his flesh for dear life.

“My sweet girl.. Please tell me what’s wrong? Y/n, I lo–” “I love you, I love you, I love you! I love you, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun’s thrusts speed with every repeated word, elated to hear you say what he has wanted to all this time. To hear you spew the words he finally had the courage to let out. For you to hear and engrave in your heart and brain the way he has done so with your own.

He smiles, kissing you with a final thrust. Pulling out to place the proof of his love on your cramping stomach, the pain leaving when you, yourself release. Without a care for the mess, he lays on you, craving your warmth and touch.

“I love you too. More than you’ll ever know or understand.” The whisper pollutes the room, kissing you to cement the sentiment. You sigh, kissing the crown of his head, cradling his body against yours. If it was up to you, you would not mind dying like this. With the city’s racket as background noise, your heart palpitating against his ear, and his breathing the anecdote to tranquilize you.

Time wasn’t forgiving, his departure time was coming sooner than ever. Reluctantly, both pull away for a quick shower. It felt surreal how slow time felt when enthralled within the love you both had for each other but when reality hit, it rushed you all through the motion. Picking up your grandparents from the park, driving in silence to the airport while dealing with some traffic and the static of the radio. All of this just to arrive at the airport with minutes to spare and for the universe to not understand the pain you all felt.

It’s surreal how cruel and love can be.

“I guess this is it, huh?” Jaehyun is the first to break the silence, holding back his sobs, the redness of his nose and ears give him away. Your grandfather laughs, nodding as he takes him into a hug in which both men break down in a fit of cries. Your grandmother gives you a look, she wants to say something snarky but her tough exterior proves futile when even she feels a weep stuck in her throat. 

“You’ll contact us, right?” Your grandfather wipes his nose, sniffling while smiling warmly at the younger. Jaehyun nods, taking out his pocket book, scribbling his address for you all to send him letters. He doesn’t need yours, he has it saved by memory.

Your grandmother is second in hugging him, slipping in a bill for him to buy something back home. Both know it’s useless where he’ll go but he’ll cherish it as a memory from her just like the box of cigarettes your grandfather had gotten him. He doesn’t smoke but a token of love is a token of love. 

The elder woman pats his cheek, smiling at him tenderly. She hopes this isn’t the last time she’ll see him but she more so than anything hopes he doesn’t disappoint you after this departure. 

“Take care.” 

It leaves you at last. No more to say, no more actions to show. You just hope he comes back to you as promised. 

“I’ll miss you.” Your fingers fiddle with the paper in hand, his pretty handwriting hypnotizing you to believe this moment isn’t real.

“I love you.” That’s enough to call your attention. His palm cradles your face and he steals a quick tender kiss. Embarrassment of having done so in front of your grandparents floods you, you only hope they understand which they do.

“I love you too…”

You had all drowned the calling from the greeter at the door earlier on but things had to be done and reluctantly you both let go. Watching him enter that path had taken a piece of you and when he was out of view, your entire body felt like it would crumble.

You tried your darndest to not cry. To not show your grandparents how much his departure was hurting you. Futile is what they would call it, your sobs were becoming louder as your grandfather drove back home, hoping to get there before night caught up to you all. 

Nothing good ever comes out of crying. You’ve known this for a while, for you and your grandmother crying only continues to further make you miserable. Not like the relief it brings your grandfather and Jaehyun, that’s something you think you’re both cursed on.

It wasn’t too far on the road that you kept missing him. Regretting not carrying the film strip with pictures of you both to look at him at every moment now. Your only token of his existence came from the piece of paper between your fingers. Flapping around with the harsh air coming in from your grandfather’s rapid driving.

You believe it smells like him, Jaehyun’s soft musk that you love with all your being. It’s even warm from his grasp, and his pretty handwriting taunts you, letting you know it was permanent on it unlike with you. The paper will remember Jaehyun’s actions against it, it has proof, not like you who will rot at the fact that his actions can be erased easily. What’s worse is that the paper continues to torture you, freeing itself from your fingers and flying out of the car at a rate that even if your grandfather stops you won’t catch up to it nor find it.

“No!”

Your words are useless and frightening to be heard from the elders who question what happened. You tell them between sobs, losing all composure. Hunching over yourself to cry against your knees. This was it, you knew it was too good to be true. Your only hope relies on the letter Jaehyun will send you.

Letters that will never arrive.

Questions. There’s plenty of those that have plagued Jaehyun’s mind since he left. He remembers leaving on great terms but as the months progressed his letters were left unanswered. If he had taken in the home phone number or Gabby’s he’d call for them years ago. Instead he found himself at the front door of the place he once called home with a panic rushing through his blood stream but hopeful nostalgia in his heart. 

There was a doorbell outside of the patio door, it had been painted orange. Very fluorescent, it reminded him of Gabby’s store. He had passed by it on his way here, buying a few beers like the day he learnt he had to go back. She didn’t remember him and he made no effort to remind her. Some things are better left in the past.

He didn’t hear many animals inside and it worried him, scared of how much change had been done. It took a couple of minutes for the door to be answered. Received by the presence of a kid he didn’t know but seemed to be around three years old.

“Who?” He looks at Jaehyun quizzically, tilting his head like Ollie used to do. “Um… is Mr. and Mrs–”  “Don’t open doors, how many times do I have to tell you that!” 

Well there’s a voice he recognized. Jaehyun stood up straight, looking up from the kid to the owner of the voice. When both took in the image of the other, Ollie was the first to take Jaehyun into an embrace. So much giddiness and joy in his squeal that he felt like that nineteen year old again. Even his grasp is childish and brute, shaking Jaehyun around. Jaehyun laughs, squeezing Ollie in return.

“I didn’t think you’d ever come back! When did you get here?” The patio looked the same. Fewer sheep and goats in the pen, Camila was gone and replaced with a pig. The dogs were strangers to him and the cats seemed to have forgotten him just like the chickens.

Ollie led him to the kitchen, at least that remained the same and he felt comforted by that fact. The two took a seat not far from each other, firewood crackling in the chimney to bring them warmth. Jaehyun handed him a beer bottle, cheering for his return and Ollie’s growth. 

“Why didn’t you think I’d return? I promised you all I would.” Jaehyun smiles, wiping away the alcohol residue from his lips. Ollie shrugs, doing the same. “You never kept in contact so after a few months of not getting your letters we lost hope. I was really mad at you for the longest time… I thought you had just abandoned us… Y/n.”

Jaehyun is aware of the spite in his tone but he can’t help but feel vindicated for something that isn’t true. His eyebrows furrow, leaning over the table for Ollie to feel his confusion. The younger one tilts his head like the boy from earlier.

“Ollie, I kept sending letters nearly every week for the past five years. I thought you all were the ones to leave me in the cold. What do you mean I didn’t keep in contact?” The roles seemed to have reversed. Ollie mimicked Jaehyun’s stance, elbows on the table while downing the remains of his drink.

“We never got a single letter. Pa was so disappointed he cried often about it. Ma didn’t but it was obvious in the way she took care of her plants. Your departure was enough but you really hurt them after that, they saw you as a son, you know.” Ollie shakes his head, swatting a fly away to avoid looking at Jaehyun.

“And Y/n… you really ruined her, Jaehyun. She would spend days in your room hoping to find an address or a phone number. At least to reproach your actions but instead she would cry herself to sleep in there. Her parents had to take her back home after a year, so she found a job and Ma and Pa were taken in by their daughter. She was doing better by then but still had to stay in the city just in case. They left me to take care of the house but it’s not the same.” 

Ollie’s voice is no longer harsh, it’s hurt. Jaehyun can’t help but blame himself with how things unfolded but he was sure he wrote those letters. He kept copies of them to recall everything he once said to you and them and if he had known you never received them, he would’ve bought them.

“I-I…” He sighs, “I promise I sent the letters! I made sure to drop them off at the publishing house’s mailing room. I can’t believe this…” His hand comes to his forehead but Ollie shrugs, picking at some peanuts he had laying around. “Beats me then. Why didn’t you visit in that case? We waited long enough.” 

Reality is that there will always be evil lurking around and seeing how this place brought you joy and peace, the publishing house did everything in their power to yank it away from him. Jaehyun isn’t a bubbling author full of life and hope. No, Jaehyun is a bleak cynical writer who dwells on the hatred he has for the house and manifests it through broody characters that find no meaning in life. If they had to bring that back, they would. He can have his one train wreck of a joyful book but newcomers have to go back to what they were. 

Jaehyun’s head hangs low, all excuses feeling useless. “Manger and publisher didn’t let me. We spent two years editing the final draft and by the following, publishing was in the works but the investors tried everything to change it that we had to fight for another year or so. I wasn’t even allowed to visit my parents, they had to come to me. Isn’t that insane?”

Ollie nods, sympathy and pity muddling on his face. Cruelty at its finest.

“We only traveled for promotions at the end of last year once it was published and some months after this one but I ‘escaped’ if you will and here I am.” His smile twists to the side, dawning upon him that misery will accompany him everywhere he goes.

“I’m sorry.” 

“For what? It’s not your fault.” Jaehyun hands him another bottle. Ollie nods, “I know, but things could’ve been different if you didn’t work in hell.”

The two laugh, clinking their bottles again. All was lost but one thing and that was the hope of Ollie helping him connect with you and explain it all. He didn’t want you to have such a bad image of him when all he’s ever done is show you how much he loves you.

“What have you done with your life then?” “I got married and had a kid. The brat from out there.” 

The kid had been playing with the hens outside the sprint door. Cats surrounded him and reminded Jaehyun of Ollie when he used to play with the animals while pretending to be doing labor work. 

“Looks just like you.” The younger hums. “He’s just like me too.” The two laugh heartily, reminiscing on your grandfather’s laugh. 

He hesitates for a moment but ultimately asks. “How’s Y/n doing?” There’s longing in his voice but the look in Ollie’s eyes tells him something isn’t right. The fact that he’s holding back a cough, a grave clue. The younger one wants to stall but knows that eventually he’ll find out if he keeps looking. 

“Y/n is soon to get engaged…” Like a bucket of cold water, Jaehyun feels his arteries clog and his body run cold, turning stone hard. “She’s been seeing a guy from work for the past two years, they relocated him to somewhere in Maranello, and now they’re living there. He sent a letter asking me to be there for when he proposes… I got the letter yesterday actually.” 

Ollie handed him the letter still inside the envelope. “He’s a nice guy but lacks some sense. He treats her well and provides for her but I’m not sure if it’ll thrive.” 

The now father stands up with a bucket of corn kernels, calling his child to feed the chickens while they’re all huddled together. He gives Jaehyun one last look with a mischievous smile plastered on his face.

“You’re welcome to stay, in your old room or here.” Jaehyun thanks him. “Landline has long overseas calls now, do with that as you will.” A toothy reassuring grin, Ollie walks out of the home leaving Jaehyun to his vices.

He gives the boys one last look, gaze dropping to the letter and reading over it around four times. It lacks emotion, it’s formal and only demonstrates excitement when describing your work on the garden. The only thing that reminds you of this place now that you’re miles away. Behind it is a letter written by you.

‘Very well, I’ll send you a care package later, Ollie. I wanted to remind you that we have a new phone so I’ve written it down. Don’t forget to write it down in the contact book or you’ll have to find a way to call me this time!

I love you, Gremlin, take care!

Sincerely, Y/n.’

If the angels weren’t clear as day, then he was stupid if he didn’t take the opportunity. 

Jumping out of his seat to the bar, Jaehyun stumbles to grab the phone, nothing like Gabby’s old dinky phone. He dials the foreign numbers, fingers tracing over your written name to feel the connection you did with the paper that lasted you a measly few hours.

“Hello?”

That sweet voice transported him five years to the past. Trembling within the walls of his brain and heart, waking up whatever joy he once felt before leaving this wonderful place. Even when your voice seemed aggravated from the silence on his end while garnering courage, he felt alive again.

“Hello?!”

He sighs, clutching to the phone for dear life, facing the outside allowing the sun rays to fall on him like the day he rested over your exposed body to feel your heart and soul envelop him in the love you once –and he hopes you still have– had for him.

“Y/n–” “...” 

The hesitance hurts, old feelings swarming in like a desired plague. You won’t ever forget that voice.

“Jaehyun…” “I remember everything.”

[ozzgin]

I love your work! It is so hard to find good Baki writers. Could you please do a Yujiro x Female fighter reader. I feel like Yujiro would actually start falling head over heels with a reader who fights well and is as sadistic as him.

Thank you! And yes, realistically speaking - or at least what makes most sense in my opinion - Yuujirou would go for someone that not only is submissive to him (because any human would then suffice), but also shows impressive skill and strength. There’s an interesting idea that I once read in the introduction of “The Gates of Janus”, the book written by serial killer Ian Brady. The foreword author argued that Ian is what you’d call a rat king, an alpha above most alphas, and that for such personalities, most of the time, an equally dominant woman is sought for as a partner. Naturally she’d submit to him still, but only a woman of high dominance could keep up with this kind of intense character. This mentality felt a bit outdated and potentially misogynistic to me, but I think it really fits in the case of Yuujirou. Sorry for the ramble.

Yandere! Yuujirou Hanma x Fighter! Reader

Featuring The Ogre and a female reader that nearly matches him in strength and ruthlessness. TW: Dubious consent, violence.

[Baki Masterlist]

Yuujirou can have anyone in the world, whether man or woman. It’s not up to them, really. It’s up to his mood and whims. And when he can have just about anyone, actually finding someone worth his interest becomes a difficult task. He doesn’t need an extra weight to drag around and as far as he’s concerned, commitment is not something he requires in his life. What would be the point?

No, for someone of his status, commitment doesn’t come as moral etiquette or requirement for a relationship. He has considered it, and in theory it could only be offered out of his genuine interest and never demanded by someone else. For The Ogre himself to fixate on one person and never wander eyes anywhere else… They would really have to impress him. Guarantee him that this is a one time deal never to be found again. And once that person is found, they’d do well to perform their role as his partner because there is no way out of it.

Lamentably, such temptation has never crossed his path. That is until a feminine figure strides into the ring of the Underground Arena. Yuujirou is ready to burst with laughter, but he’s quickly silenced by the rather abrupt end of the match. The mysterious character remains unfazed by the opponent’s blow and uses the opportunity to swiftly twist and crush the offensive limb. With the same indifference plastered on the face throughout the agonizing wails of the much larger man, she delivers her ending move and within seconds the arena is quiet again. After recollecting himself from this unexpected succession, Yuujirou turns to Strydum that’s been watching with similar amazement. “Who the hell is that?” He grunts. “I don’t know. Should I find out?”

Sometimes Yuujirou will replay the encounter in his head. He still gets shivers of raw excitement whenever he remembers your eyes back then. That utterly defiant glare. Strydum had asked you to meet them in private and as you entered the room, you immediately demanded to know why you’d been summoned. The Colonel begun fumbling in terror, almost begging you indirectly to not upset the redheaded man. “M-Mr. Hanma wished to see you, Miss (Y/N)-“ he was interrupted by your resounding snarl. “And who the fuck is Mr. Hanma to afford such audacity?” At that moment Yuujirou stood up, hands in pockets but visibly tensed up. You instinctively clenched your fists and frowned at the unspoken difference in power. The Ogre was halfway expecting you to fold and apologize, but after a minute your expression relaxed and your confidence returned. “Bitch. You’d rather die than give up your pride, huh?” He smirked at the thought. There was something about your attitude that greatly pissed him off but also turned him on at the same time.

The hardest part is getting you to accept him as your partner. See, Yuujirou will never beg or ask nicely. On the other hand, he’d rather not kill you, and severely damaging you in any way would take away the fun that caught his attention in the first place. That’s the dilemma: you’re stubborn and he can’t use force. Then again it’s not like he’s a mindless brute. Quite the opposite, only if he feels like it. A little charm with a dash of intimidation and you should be convinced, right? Don’t push it, (Y/N). If he really has to choose, he’d rather have you dead than belonging to someone else. It’s either him or nothing.

Really, it’s to your advantage if you learn to behave. He can give you everything you desire. He’s rather experienced in spoiling his women, and for you he’ll go the extra mile. Knowing he tamed you of all people is all the payment he could ever ask for. The satisfaction of putting you in your place, of having you cling to him fills him with greedy pride. A cocky smile distorts his features whenever the realization hits. If there’s such a thing as a soulmate, he’s found his. Although he doesn’t believe in that kind of bullshit.

A frightening pair in the eyes of most people. The Ogre relishes in the fact that displaying you as his woman has further increased his reputation instead of signaling any trace of weakness. As the time passes his conviction only strengthens: there’s no other place for you. You’re all his. Yet his favorite detail, what makes him flushed and dazed and addicted, is that no matter what he does to you as you lay there sprawled, naked, broken, your dignity never leaves. That prideful gaze that leers back at him makes him feel like he’s facing a mirror.

[forever-rogue]

hello ❤️ i hope you're doing okay!

i have an idea that i'm not sure if you've written it before but here goes

reader has low self-esteem and self-confidence due to parents holding her on a tight leash (literally would isolate in a cave before wearing a dress, will always concede in an argument just to avoid being shouted at, maybe even obsessing over a skincare routine simply because her parents told her she'd never be pretty otherwise) and perhaps our lovely eddie or stevie could help her see her self-worth? 🥺

thank you for taking the time to read, and apologies if you've already written something similar 🙏

AN | Eddie would absolutely show you just how wonderful and loved you are! Enjoy 🥰

Warnings | Language

Pairing | Eddie x Fem!Reader

Word Count | 3.7k

Masterlist | Main, Eddie 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You were meticulous. 

Always polished and nicely put together. Never too loud but not completely shy either. Knew when to chime into conversation and what to add. You always seemed to be perfectly happy, despite the situation. 

These were all things Eddie knew about you. And in a lot of ways those were all things he loved about you. But what he wanted even more was to see everything that you weren’t showing people. He wanted to know all of you, the real you. He knew you had to be in there somewhere - you wouldn’t have started dating him if you weren’t. He doubted someone truly so straight-laced would even cast a second glance at him. 

But here you were, Eddie Munson’s girlfriend. To be fair, you didn’t go out and proclaim to the world that the two of you were dating…your family and co-workers and maybe even some so called friends probably wouldn’t have liked that. But nonetheless, you spent almost all of your time with Eddie. 

And you loved him - you really did. There wasn’t anything that you could think of that you didn’t like about him. You might have appeared to be the polar opposite of him, but you were so much more alike than what appearances might suggest. And you knew that things were going to have to change at some point if you wanted this relationship to blossom and bloom to its full potential. Eddie would have to see the real you at some point. 

You just hoped he would like what he saw. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Hey sugar,” you could hear Eddie sweetly calling out to you from the bedroom as you tried to keep yourself together in the bathroom. You’d been in there longer than what would be considered normal for simply brushing your teeth and washing your face. You’d started with those intentions but things quickly turned south when you realized you hadn’t brought several of the items you used for your skincare every night, “everything alright?”

The last ten minutes had been spent staring at your face in the mirror, trying to calm yourself. Surely one night of an incomplete skincare routine wouldn't completely destroy your skin, right? 

“‘m alright,” you called back, voice small and broken. You knew that Eddie definitely wouldn’t buy that; you hoped he was distracted and wouldn’t notice. You swiped at your eyes and tried to stop the tears from spilling over, “be out in a moment.”

Before you could say anything else, there came a soft knock on the bathroom door. You inhaled sharply, mind going into a panic almost immediately, “can I come in, sweetheart?”

You wanted to say no, wanted to be harsh back so he might leave you alone and give you some space, but you couldn’t find it in your heart to do so. Not to Eddie - the sweet, loving, gentle soul that he was. You sniffled, using the sleeve of your (his) sweater to wipe away the tears that had run down your face before slowly opening the door. 

When you faced Eddie, his face turned into a huge frown immediately. The worst part was that for a moment you thought that frown might have been directed at you. After opening and closing your mouth a few times and finding it impossible to say anything, you resorted to the only thing you could think of - throwing yourself into his arms and clinging onto him tightly.

“Shh,” he responded in kind, wrapping his arms around and pulling you into his body. He pressed kisses the side of your head, rubbing your back in gentle, soothing circles, “it’s okay - I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

You mumbled out a response, mixed in with your tears, that he didn’t quite catch - but that was okay. Right now all that mattered was that you were okay and that you knew that he was there for you. 

After a few minutes of gently letting you cry into his shoulder, he pulled back and pressed a kiss to your forehead, “c’mon - let’s get you outta the bathroom.”

“Okay,” you let him scoop you up as he carried you the short distance to his bedroom. You set you down gently on the warm blanket, reaching up to rest his hand on your cheek before brushing aways your tears. He crouched down in front of you so he could look up at you, a small smile on his face, “sorry for being such a baby.”

“You’re my baby, but you’re not being a baby,” he rested his hands on your thighs, giving them a gentle and reassuring squeeze, “do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really,” you admitted softly, dropping your face as your voice almost cracked, “but I do at the same time. I just don’t want you to think I’m stupid or hate me.”

“I would never think you’re stupid or hate you,” he let out an incredulous chuckle, shocked that you would even think it would be possible for him to feel anything but love towards you. He reached up and put a finger under your chin, tilting your face up so he could look into your eyes, “that’s not possible. I love you, yeah? You can tell me anything, so long as you’re comfortable with it.”

“Yeah,” you wrapped your fingers around his wrist and pulled his hand to your lips so you could press a gentle kiss to his knuckles, “I know that. It’s just…hard. I’ve never had anyone like you in my life and I guess it’s taking longer to open up.”

“I’m not surprised you haven’t met someone like me,” he gestured to himself, causing you to giggle softly, “you can have all the time in the world. It’s not always easy for me either.”

“I just meant…someone like you - caring and loving and so open,” you slid off the bed so you could sit next to him, your knees gently knocking into his, “my life has never been like that. And I guess I just always hold everything in and then as soon as one thing goes wrong, I crack.”

“What happened? That caused you to-”

“Have a stupid meltdown?” you interrupted him but he just clicked his tongue to show that he didn’t agree with your assessment, “it’s so silly. Promise not to laugh?”

“Pinky promise,” he held out his hand and extended his pinky towards you. You couldn’t help but laugh at how silly he was being, but gently hooked your pinky around his.

“I forgot some of the stuff I use for my skincare every night,” you admitted softly, avoiding his big, brown eyes. You cleared your throat at his silence, before offering him a small smile, “and that just caused me to spiral and worry that I’ve somehow ruined my entire face and life. See, it sounds so stupid just saying that out loud.”

“Hey,” he gently nudged your knee with this, “it’s okay to feel that way, your feelings are valid.”

“Even if they’re ridiculous?” you felt another wave of emotion wash over you, but this time a small laugh bubbled up as well. Only Eddie could be so reassuring as you felt like the biggest fool in the world, “because they feel ridiculous.”

“They’re valid,” he insisted softly, “why do you think that happened? Your reaction.”

“Oh my love,” you let out a long breath as Eddie’s cheeks turned bubblegum pink from your endearment, “it’s a long story. I don’t want to bore you with it.”

“I’ve got all night,” he shrugged causally, a cheeky little wink thrown your way, “well, I’ve got all the time in the world for you.”

“Okay,” you whispered softly, “okay. Let’s just start with the beginning then, shall we?”

“Lay it all on me. I’m ready for it all,” you could have melted at his kindness and the love you felt flowing from him, “just remember one thing.”

“Which is…”

“I’ll love you always. Regardless of what you tell me.”

“Eddie,” you chewed on your lip as your shoulders shook with silent laughter, “what if I told you I was like a murderer or something?”

“I’d be shocked,” he pulled his hair into a bun at the top of his head, a few curls managing to escape as he hummed thoughtfully, “but also kind of here for it. Kinda sexy in a way.”

“Eddie!”

“But I know that’s not true,” he reached for your hands and gently pulled you forward so you’d crawl into his lap. You took the hint and eagerly crawled onto him, relaxing when you felt his arms wrap around your waist, “so tell me everything.”

“Everything?”

“Everything.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Eddie had meant it when he’d said he had all the time in the world for you. The two of you stayed up until the early hours of the morning talking about everything that had been on your mind for so long, everything that weighed so heavily on you for years. 

It all came out so easily and felt so good to finally tell someone. And, thank the stars, Eddie was the right person to listen and offer the right words that you needed to hear. It felt like he was one of the only people that understood you. You had been so worried that once he saw what you were really like, how your mind worked, that he would somehow not like you anymore. 

But it was just the opposite - he fell even more in love with you. Which was a feat that he hadn’t thought was possible. But seeing more of your personality come out over the following days and weeks made him an absolute sucker for you. 

And yet there was still more hanging on that you needed to change. And you knew that this was something that was going to either make or break some things, but you knew what needed to be done. 

“Eddie?” you let yourself into the trailer, finding him in the small dining area, scribbling away in his notebook. He looked up at the sound of your voice, a smile tugging up the corners of his mouth. 

“Hello sweetheart,” he set down his pen and closed the notebook before making his way over to you. He didn’t hesitate before taking your face in his hands and kissing you softly, but with so much meaning.

“Hi,” you were beaming up at him, already feeling yourself melting. He looked you up and down and couldn’t contain his smile; ever since your little heart to heart, he’d noticed that you’d started to dress a little differently - more yourself. You finally felt more free to be yourself, to let your imperfections shine through. You had never imagined that it would feel so good and liberating, “I have a favor to ask.”

“Anything.”

“I want you to meet my parents,” his eyes widened as he opened and closed his mouth a few times. He was definitely not expecting you to ask that of him. Not that he didn’t want or wouldn’t do it - he would of course. Eddie was just sure that you’d never even want him to meet them, or vice versa. His silent response caused you to swallow thickly as you shook your head, “never mind - it’s silly.”

“No, sweetheart, stop,” he gently put his hands on your shoulders with a gentle squeeze to try and get you to relax, “I’m just shocked is all. I didn’t think you’d ever want me to meet them. Are you sure you want to do that?”

“I know it seems a bit…odd,” your lips pulled into a sheepish grin that Eddie really wanted to kiss. He refrained and decided that he would do it soon enough, “but I’ve been thinking a lot about it and it seems like the perfect time to do it. If not now, then when?”

“That’s a big step,” he couldn’t put into words how proud he was of you. The steps you had been making lately were leaps and bounds above where you had been. He might have fallen just a little more in love with you then and there, “I like it. Look at you go, sweetheart. Nothing can stop you now.”

“Well, I do have you to thank for that too,” you put your hand on his chest and pressed a kiss to his cheek, “couldn’t have done it without you, love. So, what do you think? Will you consider it?”

“I will more than consider it,” he wrapped his arms around your waist before picking you up and spinning you around until you were breathless from giggles. When he set you back down, you almost stumbled into him. You really loved him, “I’ll do it. Just name the time and place.”

“How about Friday night at seven?” you looked at him expectantly, hoping he wouldn’t back out simply from the fact that you had already set a date. He leaned in and pressed his forehead to yours before nodding gently and brushing his nose against yours, “I love you.”

“I love you,” shivers ran up and down his spine as goosebumps erupted all over his skin. He would never get tired from hearing you say that, “I’ll be there and be on my best behavior.”

“Don’t put on any airs, Eddie,” you whispered, “just be yourself.”

“As long as you’re yourself too,” you closed your eyes and exhaled slowly, knowing it would be difficult. It was going to be hard to break a lifetime of being a certain way around your parents and allowing them to see the real you. But you wanted this, you had to do this.

“I will,” you promised, “I will.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“It’s going to be okay,” you had rung the bell at your parents house, waiting for them to answer and tightly clutching onto Eddie’s hand. You made a small sound in the back of your throat that sounded somewhere between a groan and cry, “I’ve got you. And if you want to leave whenever, we will. We don’t have to stay.”

“I know,” you agreed. After a few moments of tense silence, you heard footsteps coming towards the door. It slowly opened and you suddenly felt like your heart was going to explode. Suddenly your mother was there, staring down at the two of you. Fuck. You cleared your throat, "h-hi mom."

"Darling," she looked you over before shifting her gaze to your boyfriend. You could see her face falling as she studied him, clearly horrified that this was your choice was of partner. She tried to tone down her sneer but it was no use, "and just who is this?"

"This is Eddie. My boyfriend," you had no hesitation and you could practically see the gears turning in her head, "we've been together for a whole so I wanted you to meet him."

"Edward," she didn't bother to extend her hand or give him a hug (not that you expected that in the slightest). You almost laughed at her, "a pleasure…I'm sure."

"It's just Eddie, ma'am," he offered her a charming smile that she didn't return, "thank you for having me."

She remained silent as she turned to head inside. It was typical behavior and you shouldn't have been surprised. Eddie squeezed your hand as you stepped inside. He stole a few glimpses of the house, trying to see if there were any traces of you. But all he could see were tidy spaces that felt cold and impersonal. He had a feeling that this was what he would find. 

"Dinner is just ready," your mother stepped into the kitchen to finish things up as the two of you went into the dining room. Your father was already sitting at the table, the paper held up in front of him as he skimmed the day's news.

"Hello," you held up your hand awkwardly, trying to get his attention. With a grumble he set the paper down and looked up to find you standing there awkwardly, "hello father."

"Who is this?" So much for the formalities, right? You didn't bother to hide your eye roll this time.

"This is my boyfriend Eddie," you gestured between the two of them, "Eddie, this is my father."

"Hello sir," he offered a cheery wave.

"Do you have a job, young man? Do you find it hard to get a job looking like that?" At least he didn't bother to hide his disdain. You opened your mouth to argue back but Eddie gently shook his head.

"I don't sir," Eddie answered confidently, "considering I own my own business - a mechanic shop. And before then it was never an issue either."

Your father's face paled as he kept his gaze turned away. Eddie shot you a quick wink as he pulled out your chair for you. You sat down and tried to keep your expression as neutral as possible. 

A tense silence fell over the room, the only sounds to be heard were from your mother finishing up in the kitchen. Luckily, you and Eddie had managed to perfect silent communication and you both had plenty to say to each other. You almost couldn’t control your laughter. You would have never felt this bold or confident without having Eddie by your side. He was able to bring out the very best of you. You could only hope that you did the same for him.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

By the time the food was on the table and everyone had a plate, conversation still didn’t really flow. There were stunted comments here and there from your parents, but that was the extent of it. You hoped that Eddie could see what you had meant when you’d told him about your childhood and life; these people were as straightlaced as possible.

“So,” and you knew it - something - was coming. You swallowed the bite in your mouth and looked at her with a hard expression, “you’re dressing…interestingly.”

“What do you mean?” you knew exactly what she meant. You’d been expecting her to ask something of the sort. You looked down at your outfit, which to be fair was still nothing shocking. It was a short black slip dress under which you had a white t-shirt on and a pair of docs on your feet. Hardly edgy but different than what they’d come to expect of you. 

“It’s just so…garish,” she raised an eyebrow as Eddie choked on his bite as he tried not to laugh. You barely managed to hide your own laughter as you patted his back, “what kind of impression are you trying to give off?”

“This is hardly garish,” you snapped back, “I’m covered and this is just…so average. What is the problem? Because it’s black and different from what you’re used to?”

“Honey-”

“Don’t honey me,” you hissed at her, as your father slammed down his fist on the table.

“Do not speak to your mother like that!” you cringed slightly at the sound of his voice but kept yourself mostly in check.

“I’m not doing or anything rude or wrong,” you said softly, “my entire life you both have been this way. You’ve never let me have any freedom or anything, and I’m finally getting to be who I really am. And that’s okay - what is so wrong with me dressing slightly differently or expressing who I am?”

“You’re going to ruin your life like that - giving people the wrong impression by those clothes and this- this boy!” you groaned as Eddie’s eyes widened. He wasn’t quite sure if he should do or say anything. 

“My clothes or how I act isn’t going to do anything or ‘attract the wrong people’ as you seem to think. The right people wouldn’t judge me on something like that," you sat back in your chair and shifted your gaze between your parents, "and just so we're very clear, this is who I've always been. I'm just not hiding it anymore. And you know who helped me with that? Eddie. I love him so much - and I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him. So if you want me to be any part of your lives you'll accept me as I am, and him."

The entire room fell into silence; your parents were clearly horrified and Eddie was looking at you with pure adoration. You blinked a few times; you hadn't planned any of that and weren't quite sure what to say or do next. You swallowed the lump in your throat.

"Well," you hated the tone of her voice. She picked up her napkin and dabbed at the corner of her mouth before practically glaring at you and Eddie. He reached for your hand under the table and laced your fingers together, giving your hand a reassuring squeeze, "I don't know where my little girl went but it's certainly not you. You can see yourself out the door."

"Mom-"

"Get out."

Tears started pricking at the back of your eyes as you stood up, practically pulling Eddie with you. It was silent between the two of you as you grabbed your purse and walked out the door. You didn't even have it in you to try and slam the door. You just left.

Eddie gently took the car keys from you, opening the passenger side for you to get in. He quickly slipped into the driver's side and before he could turn on the car, both of you started to giggle loudly. 

"Jesus Christ," he let out a long sigh as he leaned against the headrest, "that was brutal."

"Yup…and that's not even the worst they've ever been," you looked at him with dreamy eyes before grabbing his hand and pressing a kiss to his palm, "thanks for coming and dealing with that."

"Nothing to thank me for sweetheart," he whispered, "you gonna be okay?"

"Of course," you promised, knowing the memories would sting for a while before they got better, "why wouldn't I be? I've got you, haven't I? You're my family, Eddie. Not them."

"Did you mean it?" He asked so softly that you almost didn't hear his simple question, "when you said we'd be together forever?"

"Duh," you teased and his cheeks turned pink as he bit his lip, "unless that's a problem for you?"

"Not at all," he leaned over the center console and kissed you sweetly, "that's all I've ever wanted."

"Me too, Eddie," you stole a few more kisses from your favorite boy, "I love you so much."

"I love you, brave girl. So much."

[undying-love]

'Well, let's just say there's someone in the music industry--a fairly famous someone--and he's pretty certain it [Starting Over] was written for Paul, and that Paul damn well knew it was...but that in the wake of John's death most everyone thought it would be disrespectful to Yoko and Sean to dispute who John had in mind while writing it. We were talking about it after an email correspondence I started having with a friend here who says she believes it was as well. I agreed with her. So, being my curious self, I just had to ask around, and that's the information I got. Whether it's totally 100% or not, I can't say. But hearing about it from this guy in particular was enough to confirm my belief that it was. It's not only his opinion but something that seems to be pretty well known amongst a lot of industry folks. We talked about it at great length and honestly, I was a bit surprised it was something he feels so strongly about....as well as their relationship, in general. When I told him straight out at first that I thought they were a 'couple', he said, "Well, no shit! Anybody who thinks otherwise has to be a fucking idiot!" I thought that was funny as hell! Not to bash the nay-sayers round these parts, but this guy isn't one to mince words and I'm just repeating what he said so don't go yellin' at me. Couldn't help laughing when he said it. And he knows a LOT of people in the business. Far more than I could ever dream of encountering...'cause he's quite a bit older than me and way more experienced in these circles. He used to be a session player ages ago and branched out on his own a long ways back....so he's definitely been AROUND and knows his shit when it comes to the 'who's who' of the music world and all the dirt that gets turned up at its surface. I trust him totally or else I wouldn't be so certain he's right about the stuff he says. He even said that the 'recording-style' and vocal effects used on that song, in particular, are what John specifically wanted in order to send a certain message to Paul." ------------------------------------------------

This is a comment made by a woman in an old forum, who said she spoke to an industry insider. I have read many similar comments (and I myself have been in contact with someone who claimed to have spoken to a couple of people who were once close to the Beatles) that have said that John and Paul's relationship was an open secret in the music industry. Maybe that's why Howard Stern is often asking Paul a lot of uncomfortable questions about John, and even suggested that "Maybe I'm Amazed" was written for John, lol.

[runninriot]

inspired by the song Solitude by Black Sabbath, written for @steddiesongfics june song fics

Memories I Have Remind Me Of You

wc: 1999 | rated: T | tags: modern au, friends to lovers to exes to lovers, marriage proposal, dealing with heartbreak and regrets, Steve needs a little push from a stranger to make it right, sad but with a happy ending

The girl is nice. She’s pretty. Big eyes, plush lips, a kind smile, dimples.

Fucking dimples.

Her hair’s long and curly, doesn’t remind Steve of anyone in particular.

It doesn’t.

He does not think about someone else when the warm colour of her brown irises makes him remember.

Steve tries to listen when she talks, tries to laugh when she giggles sweetly, tries not to jerk away when she brushes his hand in a flirty manner but it’s hard to focus when his mind isn’t where it should be.

Did she just ask him a question?

   “You didn’t even listen, huh?”

Steve shakes his head, looks back up at her, tries for an apologetic smile but to his confusion, she doesn’t even seem mad at him for not paying attention.

No, it’s worse.

She’s got that empathic, knowing look in her eyes. Like she can see right through him.

    You’re so easy to read, baby.

He was never good at pretending.

   “I’m not boring you, am I.”

It’s not really a question. The girl knows she’s a good catch, knows she isn’t the problem – Steve is.

   “No, uh. Sorry, I-“

Who is he even trying to fool? No excuse he’s trying to come up with would be good enough because if he looks how he feels, it must be written all over his face. No way to hide the obvious.

I can see it in your eyes, baby. Your eyes always tell the truth.

Steve should’ve known it was a bad idea the moment he saw her picture, noticed the similarities. She instantly reminded him of-

He shouldn’t have agreed to this date.

Not because he doesn’t like her, no. She’s perfect, really. Or she would be.

They matched on a dating app, texted a bit back an forth. She was fun to talk to, made him laugh. And when she asked him if he wanted to meet, he thought that maybe it would help. That maybe this was his sign to finally get his ass back out there. He’d been holed up at home for too long. Sulking, sad, depressed.

Life just hasn’t been the same ever since.

His favourite meal has lost its taste. His favourite songs all sound off-key. Going to his favourite bar just seems like a waste of time - Steve’s life has lost its light, making everything seem dark and grey and dull.

Nothing is right anymore because everything reminds him of Eddie.

And Steve himself is the one to blame for his misery.

   “I-“ Steve hesitates. He doesn’t want to bother her with his mess, didn’t come here to whine about things he can’t change. She didn’t come here to listen to him talk about his goddamn ex for fuck’s sake!

   “What’s wrong?” she asks and Steve knows there’s no point in trying to pretend that everything’s fine when nothing ever is. Not anymore.

   “I’m sorry for being such bad company,” Steve apologises and means it. She deserves better, could’ve gone on a date with someone worth spending her time with.

Someone actually interested in... something. Anything. Whatever it is she’s looking for.

Steve’s not it, that much is clear.

He’s not ready to move on. Maybe he never will be. Because what he had was all he ever wanted, all he ever needed to be happy. Life was good, perfect, before he ruined it all. Let the love of his life slip away because he was too afraid of the what ifs. So he pushed and he fought and he hurt the one that would’ve given him everything.

Now, Steve is just an empty shell of the man he used to be. Because the day Eddie left, he took Steve’s heart and soul with him, left him empty and broken and sad.

So fucking sad.

   “You remind me of my ex.” The words are out before he can swallow them back down.

   “Oh,” she answers, expression neutral. “Bad break-up?”

Steve nods. He doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t want to think about the day his whole life fell apart but-

   “It was my fault. He left me because I fucked it up.”

The truth still hurts, even after all those months.

   “What did you do?”

Steve and Eddie had met through a mutual friend, Dustin. It wasn’t quite love at first sight but close to it.

They quickly became friends, started hanging out on weekends, then, soon, even during the week. Spending the evenings after work at each other’s places, cooking dinner together, watching movies, talking.

Steve had never felt so drawn to another person, had never felt so comfortable in someone else’s presence. Eddie was... he was funny, kind, loud and wild. He had all these big dreams about what he wanted to do with his life. Dreams that were so very different from the small-town life Steve had always resigned himself to. Eddie wanted to travel the country, sleep under the stars, wake up next to a lake, follow the wind to wherever it would take him.

He wanted to be free.

But he stayed.

Eddie stayed because when they shared their first kiss in a weak moment of alcohol-fuelled recklessness, they ignited a fire that became too big too fast, making it impossible to smother the flames before they turned into burning desire that took a hold of them both. Scorching its way into their hearts where it settled, warm and bright, making light in every dark corner of their being.

It was the second first kiss that sealed their fate – a sober, slow, and tentative kiss in the low light of the morning sun that wiped away any worries and doubts Steve had when he woke up in Eddie’s arms after a night spent giving into their unspoken feelings as they took each other apart, not thinking about the consequences.

Knowing what it was like to wake up next to each other made it impossible to go back to simply being friends, to stay apart, to not fall in love.

Eddie and Steve were meant to be.

Together, everything felt right.

Eddie willingly put his own dreams aside for Steve who knew he could never repay him for the sacrifices he made just to be with him, tried to thank him every day by showing and telling him how much he loved him. And things were good, perfect.

Until-

   “I don’t understand,” she says quietly when Steve takes a moment to breathe away the ache in his heart and the tears threatening to spill, “that sounds like a dream come true. What happened?”

Steve smiles sadly, sighs.

   “Yeah, felt like a dream, too. But the thing with dreams is that no matter how beautiful they are, inevitably you will wake up.”

And a beautiful dream it was. Life was full of love and laughter and happy moments spent together, until Eddie proposed and Steve said No and the world tumbled down.

Because it was in that moment – with Eddie down on one knee, the simple gold ring Steve knew had belonged to Eddie’s uncle held between his thumb and finger as an offer, a promise to be his forever – that Steve realised he couldn’t do this to him. He couldn’t marry Eddie and keep him trapped in a life he never wanted just because Steve was too scared of giving up the safety of his home for a life on the road with no destination ahead and an unforeseeable future.

Steve said no to set him free but even then Eddie kept fighting for him, fucking apologised for putting ‘so much pressure’ on Steve with his question which- was insane because Eddie had done nothing wrong, ever. He had never been anything but wonderful and considerate and perfect. Steve had been the one not willing to compromise, who inadvertently put Eddie in a cage of his own making.

So he pushed and he fought and he hurt Eddie in order to give him back his freedom, thinking, believing he was doing the right thing. It was only when Eddie packed his bags and left that Steve realised he had made the biggest mistake of his life.

The moment Eddie walked out the door without looking back, Steve knew he had lost everything.

 

   “Where is he now?”

   “Hm?”

   “Eddie. Where did he go?”

   “I, uh...” Steve shouldn’t know the answer to this but he does. Because Dustin told him. Tells him whenever he gets a call or another letter from Eddie, ignoring the fact that it tears Steve apart every time. Or maybe he does it on purpose, punishing Steve for hurting his friend. And Steve lets him, never complains, always holds back his tears until he’s back in his fortress of solitude, where he can drown in his pain and sorrow.

He deserves to suffer for what he did.

   “He’s in Michigan.”

   “Huh.” She cocks her head, smiles. “It’s been what, 5 months you said? Pretty sure he could’ve gotten a lot further by now.”

   “What do you mean?”

   “For someone who’s always wanted to travel the whole damn country, he didn’t make it that far.”

   “Eddie never made plans on where he wanted to go. Maybe he found a nice place to stay for a while before he lets his heart take him somewhere else.”

   “Staying conveniently close for no reason whatsoever. Got it,” she scoffs.

Steve looks at her with pleading eyes, needs her to stop giving him ideas, can’t allow himself to let hope bloom.

   “He’s free to go wherever he wants.”

   “Maybe what Eddie really wants is for you to tell him to come home.”

Her words hit him hard like a slap across the face, ringing loudly in his ears.

   “What if- What if he doesn’t?”

   “You’ll never know if you don’t try.”

 -------

   “You left me.”

It’s not meant as an accusation, sounds like one though. And Steve can see in the way Eddie furrows his brows and tightens his lips, that it wasn’t the right thing to say.

   “You told me to.” Eddie’s answer is short but calm, not filled with anger like Steve expected.

   “I wanted you to stay!”

He knows it isn’t fair because Steve did tell him to leave. What right does he have to want him back, to ask for forgiveness?

   “I didn’t want you to leave but I was scared that you’d wake up one day and realise that being with me isn’t enough. That being in love isn’t worth giving up your dreams. You shouldn’t have to give up your dreams for me! I should’ve gone with you. I love you. I-”

Steve is crying, can’t stop shaking. He’s so angry at himself, feels so powerless and stupid. And Eddie just stands there and stares at him confused like he doesn’t know that Steve would do everything for a second chance.

Just when Steve is about to give up, turns to go because if he stays here any longer, he’ll fall to his knees and make an even bigger fool of himself than he already has, two strong arms wrap around him from behind, keeping him from walking away.

   “Don’t go,” Eddie whispers into his hair, tightens his grip to emphasise his words. “Stay.”

It’s what Steve should’ve said all those months ago, when he said the opposite instead.

Slowly, Steve turns within the arms holding him until he’s facing Eddie again. Eddie, who is so close now, Steve could bring their lips together by only moving in another inch or two. Could kiss away the tears running down Eddie’s cheeks.

   “I can’t live without you, Eddie.”

   “Then let me be with you.”

Their third first kiss is an angry one, rough and desperate. Full of regrets they swallow from each other’s lips, drinking them up to make them go away. To make it better. To make it right.

   “Marry me, Steve.”

The answer comes easy this time - one word, a promise.

Forever, never apart, wherever it'll take them.

[arlh0e]

Now that it’s done

Rating: we’ll call it PG-13 for explicit language

Warnings: Hozier x fem!Reader, angst, post-break-up, anger, lots of feelings, explicit language, francesca by Hozier, I might make you cry

Summary: you and andrew had been broken up for almost a year. Everything had been perfect in your relationship for years, but while he was touring for his second album, there was a lot of stress put on your relationship. Stress that unfortunately bubbled up into something which at the time couldn’t be fixed. So you left him. His newest album, ‘unreal unearth’ has been out for a few months and though you were a fan of his music, you hadnt been able to bring yourself to listen to it until now.

Everything about this felt wrong.

Though, you knew that Andrew released his music to the public for everyone to listen to, you still felt weird. He had written music about you before and you had listened to that but this was different. Anything from the new album would be about your break up.

It felt like an invasion of privacy considering the two of you hadn’t spoken since you left him.

You really didn’t know what to expect.

You weren’t sure how you’d feel is you listened and heard him singing about another girl. You were even less sure how you’d feel if you heard him singing about you.

You decided to say fuck it and just scroll through the whole album and pick the first song that caught your eye. A song titled ‘Francesca’ your heart dropped. What if thats the name of the girl he’s seeing? He never dropped your name publicly. Ever.

You click on it and immediately you’re met with the softest guitar melody. It made you think of the melodies he used to write when the two of you first started dating. One of the melodies he had said sounded like falling in love with you.

The memories brought tears to your eyes. The thought that he could have been writing about someone else so soon made you livid.

It had only been a year and while you were still just trying to pick up the pieces from having to leave the person who you thought you’d spend your life with, who you thought you would marry and bear his children, he was already writing love songs about other people. How dare he.

You waited a bit longer until you started hearing words though to form a concrete opinion.

‘Do you think I'd give up

That this might've shook the love from me

Or that I was on the brink?

How could you think, darling, I'd scare so easily?’

Your mouth hung slightly agape. So he was seeing someone else. Someone who maybe had their doubts about him and he wrote this as a letter of convincing.

The confirmation that he was over you felt similar to him twisting the knife that was still in your chest (although you were the one who put it there, but it still hurt.)

‘Now that it's done

There's not one thing that I would change

My life was a storm, since I was born

How could I fear any hurricane?’

Oh.

And suddenly you were back in the mindset that you should not be listening to this.

He was pouring his heart out to you. Publicly of course, but you still shouldn’t be listening. This was private. It felt like you were reading a diary entry of his and once you started you couldn’t stop.

‘If someone asked me at the end

I'll tell them put me back in it

Darling, I would do it again, ah, ah

If I could hold you for a minute

Darling, I'd go through it again, ah, ah

I would still be surprised I could find you, darling

In any life

If I could hold you for a minute

Darling, I would do it again, ah, ah’

Everything inside of you wanted to break down and sob.

How long had he been thinking about this? More importantly did he still feel this way? Was he still sitting there wishing you had given him another chance?

You stared blankly at the wall for the as you listened to the rest. Everything he had to say was so perfect. It was a comfort to know that through all of the pain you felt leaving him, of wishing you hadn’t, but rationalizing your actions through blaming it on your loneliness.

You had broken up with him because of how hard him touring and constantly being away had been on you. Every single moment was agony, and after doing this with him twice through two albums and then with him constantly being in the US for interviews and to work with new bandmates, you broke. You left him. You had moved into your parent’s house and out of the house he had bought for the two of you in Ireland before he had even gotten home from his most recent trip. You left him with nothing but a note (a rather long one at that, all things considered, but a note nonetheless) explaining everything. You knew you couldn’t break up with him face to face. You would have pussied out and stayed.

If you had known, fully understood the utter devotion he felt toward you, even now, even after the way you had left, you never would have done so.

And just when you thought you would get through the entirety of this song unscathed, with just a few tears shed but no real damage done.

‘Heaven is not fit to house a love like you and I.’

And that was all it took.

You weren’t even really in control of your own body as you stood and went to gather your things.

It was a 30 minute drive to the house you weren’t even sure he would be at.

As you walked to the car, you pondered for a moment giving him a call to ask if he was home, but thought better of it knowing he would ask about why you wanted to talk so suddenly. This was a conversation which needed to be had in person. You couldn’t’t let him talk you into having it over the phone. You wouldn’t let yourself be persuaded into taking the easy way out of an important conversation with him again. This was too important.

The tears wouldn’t stop flowing from your eyes. Even as you were driving, you couldn’t stop. This had broken every ounce of strength and pride left in you that had kept you away from him.

Only now were you realizing just how much energy this last year had taken out of you. You knew it would be hard even before you made the decision to leave, but you never imagined the toll it would take on you after you had done it.

Every once of free time you had was taken up by thoughts of him. If you weren’t working, you had been looking for every distraction you could. Whether it be spending time with your friends and family or going to a bar to meet a new boy who you’d take home, talk to for a few days, but ultimately never met for a second time.

Your friends had even gone as far as to start calling them your “flavor of the week”, a name which, while fitting for what you had been doing, still didn’t hurt any less.

You wondered in passing if any of your friends had told him about the volume of your personal conquests. He wouldn’t have cared of course, you knew all too well that he wasn’t above a few one night stands in order to get over a break up. He’d probably slept with his fair share of people over the course of the last year as well, but you still didn’t want him to know.

Your thoughts were going a mile a minute as you drove the familiar route to your former lovers house. Your former house.

The thought of seeing even the front of the house made you feel ill. You hadn’t been back since you left and you weren’t ever planning on it.

You felt the need to throw up as you turned into the dirt road that led to the house. You remembered going to visit this house with him when you first started tossing around the idea of you moving into a house with him. You remember knowing that it was perfect from the moment you saw it. You remember how you went around the house describing the life you pictured the two of you living in that house. You remember all the remodeling the two of you did to make sure that your home would be perfect. You remember the extra room upstairs, which you thought you’d be turning into a nursery at some point.

Your stomach lurched the closer and closer you came to the driveway.

There was nothing else out here, and even from a ways out you could see that the lights were on inside that house.

So he is home.

Your breath became shaky as you pulled into the drive next to his car.

The walk up to the door felt like it took ages. Your shaking hand reached to ring the doorbell.

Silence.

You frantically wiped away your tears which were still falling. You thought for a moment about what he would think looking at you after all this time, crying on his porch, sopping wet from the rain, shivering from the cold and the anxiety that racked your entire body.

You thought for a moment about ringing the bell again, or maybe knocking this time. You were utterly impatient, you needed him to answer the door before you turned and ran.

You reached out and opened the screen door, quickly attempting to knock on the interior door at the same time that it swings open.

“Oh um… hey.” You blurt out. You mentally give yourself the beating of a lifetime for how awkward you’re being.

Looking up at him, you can see that his hair is a lot longer, and his beard, while still the same length is a lot fuller. You briefly remember what it was like to run your fingers across the stubbly skin of his face.

His eyes are full of concern as he looks down at you, noticing the tears and how absolutely sopping wet you are from the rain. “Hey, are you okay? Come inside, Jesus.”

He grabs your arm gently and guides you inside. You’re sobbing still and tremors are wracking through your body while you look up at him. “I just- I uh-“

“Hey, it’s alright.” He laughs a little bit “let’s get you calmed down first, do you want some tea or anything? I still have a box of that jasmine tea you like.” You sniffle a bit and nod, looking down and making eye contact only with your feet. This was ridiculously embarrassing. “With honey still?” You started crying a bit harder as he recalls how you like your tea. After a year he still remembers how you like your fucking tea.

You follow behind him, still shaking and take a seat at the kitchen island while he starts the water and hands you a mug. Your favorite mug.

Fuck.

You took a moment to calm yourself down while he stood across from you, pouring the water, wrapping the string of the tea bag around the handle, squeezing just the right amount of honey into the mug and then handing it to you with a smile.

By the time he’s done, you’ve managed to calm down enough to talk to him.

“I just wanted to talk I guess.” You cant look up from your tea. You’re still crying but it’s slowed to a steady trickle now as opposed to violent sobs.

“About what?” He sounded genuinely interested. Or concerned. Or both.

“I uh…” You take a deep breath in to calm yourself. “I listened to Francesca…” your voice was small, quiet enough that you weren’t sure he would hear you.

“Oh. Thats what all this is about?” He moves from his position leaning against the counter and walks around the island to sit next to you.

You felt as if the whole world was spinning and suddenly you went from not being able to say anything at all to everything coming out at once.

“I don’t know, Andrew, if I had known I would’ve at least called. I would’ve tried to figure it out, I-” I pull my hand up over my mouth like it would help hold in the tears and choked sobs that had returned. “I left because I thought you didn’t love me anymore. I dint know, I didn’t think it would matter, especially not now I just…” you let out a deep sigh. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

He lets out a small chuckle and reaches over to pat my shoulder. “It’s okay. I did always joke around with Alex that if you ever left me it would be because I got stupid and probably deserved it.” He gets up and goes back to the kitchen with my mug to wash it. “I’m really happy to see you though. I missed having you around if nothing else.”

“Yeah, I miss you too…” you were still just barely whispering. You did miss him. You wanted to come back. You wanted him to let you come back. “I really fucking did it this time didn’t I?” I laughed through your tears.

“I don’t think so.” He shrugged and moved back over to you. “I think you did what you needed to do so that you could be happy.” He shrugged. “I could never be upset with you for that. I never was. Not even for a moment.” You look up to see him smiling down at you. It’s sad, you can almost see the memories of the two of you flashing through his eyes as they turn glassy.

“I wouldn’t blame you if you had.” You shrug. It was true. Nothing about this situation was okay, and it was all because you hadn’t seen how he felt about you while you had him.

“Well, apology accepted. You don’t need to feel bad. And for the record that song wasn’t meant to guilt trip you.” He laughs.

“I never thought that it was.” I sigh. Of course he thought you were just here because you felt bad. “I fucking hate this. I hate not talking to you, Ive been fucking torturing myself not calling you or showing up here. I can’t fucking do this shit anymore.” You sigh. This was a stupid idea. Of course he thought you were just here to apologize how fucking idiotic were you to think that you could come in here, apologize and everything would be okay again.

“I um… I should go. I shouldn’t’t have come it’s late I’m really sorry to bother you.” You shake your head and quickly stand to make a quick exit. His hand flies up to your wrist to stop you.

“Please stay.” His eyes are gentle and he’s standing so close. “I meant every word that I said. I’m not upset. I never was.” He pulls me to his chest and wraps his arms around my shoulders.

You didn’t think you were capable of crying this much in one night. Being so close to him brought it all out again, sobs were racking through your entire body. He still smelled exactly as you remembered. He was so comforting and yet this was the least comfortable experience you had ever been through. “I just want to come back.” You were back to whispering again. You almost hoped he hadn’t heard you.

“Then come back.” You froze. You weren’t quite sure what you were expecting, but you’re sure it wasn’t that.

You think about it for a moment. The thought is tempting of course, every fiber of your being wants to tell him yes. But then the thought passes through your mind that with the new album you knew he’d be leaving again soon. The thought made you visibly tense.

“The option is always there. No matter how much time passes, I’ll always want you here.” He places a small kiss onto the top of your head.

“You’re leaving again.” You sigh, but you don’t pull away.

“Yes. In a few weeks.” You can hear the way his mood shifts and all hope you had given him leaves again. “But I swear I’ll figure it out though. I’ll come home more, I’ll call more, fuck you can come with us, I’ll make up some bull shit position you can have on the team so I have an excuse to pay you so you don’t have to worry about your job if you want, I swear it’ll be different this time.” He’s not even trying to hide the panic in his voice.

“Yeah, okay.” You relax into his arms and take a few deep breaths. You’re still crying a bit but you’re more calm now, with everything settled.

You’re not sure where to go from here. Do you just start over from scratch, or do you pick up where you left off? You pull away from him a little bit to look up at him. You cant remember the last time you saw him look at you with such adoration. His smile was small, barely noticeable, but still the same goofy smile you remembered.

“Your hair is a lot longer now.” You giggle a bit and reach up to run your fingers through the ends of his curls. “I like it.” You smile.

“Yeah? I honestly just stopped wanting to put in the effort to get it cut.” He laughs, his hand coming to hold the side of your face. You lean into his touch and close your eyes.

“Yeah, thats sounds about right.” You giggle and open your eyes. “And your beard is more full now too.” You reach up with both hands to feel the sides of his face.

You really missed this. Everything about him was just so comforting. You felt at peace, at home for the first time since you had left.

“Do you wanna stay here tonight?” He asks quietly. “You can borrow some of my clothes, it’s just raining really hard, and you’re too upset to be driving in weather like that.” He smiles down at you.

You laugh a bit “We’ve been back together for all of five minutes and you’re already asking me to stay over Andrew, what would your mother think?” You tsk at him and smile. He already knows the answer is yes of course.

“Oh please. You of all people know that my mother would be ecstatic to know that you were sleeping over again.”

So anyways, I had a lot of fun writing this, even though it was a little sad. I love this man, enjoy <3

[hongluboobs]

(sending myself an ask I got on Retrospring a while back because I was able to get a really interesting answer with help from a friend and I think more people need to be aware of this stuff. the original asker was anonymous and this question was sparked because I was compiling Hong Lu's lines for something and noticed just how many tildes and ellipsis he uses... and that it was making its way into my own typing patterns lmao)

about the hong lu ellipsis/tilde thing: i remember hearing an offhand comment from a kr speaker that hong lu's speech quirk is talking girlishly, and while i am not an expert in korean by any means, i've read that women tend to speak softer and more passively, drag out their last syllables (probably the reason for all the tildes), and end their statements with rhetorical question tags more often, among other things. it's unfortunately generally theorized this is a result of misogyny in korean culture. i wish i could say more but i really don't know korean and i don't how it compares to like, everyone else in the cast

(Original post can be found here )

This was interesting to me and i’m lucky enough to know someone who natively speaks korean and plays limbus in kr so i asked him about it! All credit to Ciel @/10seisan for this incoming text wall :)

Here’s what he had to say:

I, too, read that Hong Lu’s tone and speech patterns as being more feminine. Specifically, I would describe his tone as sounding like a mixture of customer service and feminine speech, if that makes sense. His vocal inflexions are more noticeable and they tend to go upwards in pitch, which is associated with feminine speech patterns. I would say that what the asker sent about how women tend to speak here is accurate, and I think that misogyny plays a large role in it as well. As an example, the passive speaking, we have the word 돌려서 말하다, which means “to indirectly speak about a topic” or “beat around the bushes”. This is somewhat expected for people of all genders in formal situations to be polite, but women tend to do it more often and in less formal situations as well due to societal pressure to not seem “aggressive” by coming across “too strong”. Tangents aside, Hong Lu’s tildes in the text corresponds to the voice lines where he drags out syllables, speaks more softly, and/or has a particularly noticeable rise in inflexion at the end of a sentence, so they certainly are indicative of his feminine mannerisms in speech. As for the ellipses, this depends more on the context, since they can be used simply to indicate pauses, but I wouldn’t be surprised if at least some of them coincided with something specific to his speech mannerisms as well. As for how he compares to the other sinners, I would say that, in some ways, his speech sounds similar to Rodya’s, actually—more so than the other sinners. Especially when it comes to the (canonically) male sinners, his speech is not at all similar to any of them. Yi Sang may be the closest if I were required to choose—solely due to his voice being on the softer side—but even then, Yi Sang has very little inflexion and typically ends his sentences with a fall in pitch, unlike Hong Lu

(Ciel’s thoughts end here)

This is all really interesting to me because as an english speaker (and as a person who tends to tune out vocal performance in general, esp if it’s foreign) i can only catch some of it. The delivery on Hong Lu’s lines make sense, especially when taking his background from his source book into account. (whether you want to purely read this as overly formal speech bc of the whole “family is like a cohort of kin looking for a chance to stab you in the back” thing or you want to read gender in it is up to you)

The fact it’s most similar to Rodya’s speech patterns is interesting too… I notice this in the english text as well (i’ve seen people mistake abnormality log text written by Hong Lu for Rodya and vice versa on numerous occasions) Rodya plays up her feminity a lot as a mask so it makes a lot of sense that it’s the closest to Hong Lu’s but still. very interesting. I’m a huge fan of their dynamic in general but that’s a tangent for a different ask, it’ll just be interesting to see if/what can make Hong Lu drop those speaking patterns…

I could yap a bit more on this but i think i’m just gonna leave it be for now because Ciel did a really good job at explaining it all :)

[freshbakedbreadstick]

No. 1 Party Anthem - Mikey Berzatto x F!Reader - Chapter Two

Past!Mikey Berzatto x F!Reader

Carmy Berzatto x F!Platonic!Reader

Richie Jerimovich x F!Platonic!Reader

Summary: You knew that returning to The Beef wouldn't be easy, but you also didn't know it would be this hard either. 

Warnings: All my fics are 18+ regardless of the content. Heavy spoilers. Mentions of grief, death, mental health issues, strained relationships, sharp objects, mild violence, and injuries.

Word Count: 3.1k

A/N: My sweet snickerdoodles . . . I just wanna say that i adore you all . I completely forgot to mention (wow breadstick you forget a lot for being a fanfiction veteran I know I know) but this is a slow burn . All things will be revealed in due time . Patience will grant you mercy one day, but that day is not today so sit tight and read on ! ! Also, i may or may not have written this at 5 am while dealing with a bout of insomnia which is why the ultra specific time is mentioned at the end lolllll . Ily babes I hope u all enjoy ! 

*Note: "mija", directly translated from Spanish, means "my daughter" but in this, it is being used as a term of endearment (fem.) similar to "darling" or "sweetheart"

Taglist: @marysucks-blog

MASTERLIST / Prologue / Chapter One

The Beef was silent, an accomplishment that would be thrown into the history books. Chef chatter aside, no conversations about the latest happenings, no jokes, and nothing else aside from kitchen happenings was mentioned. 

To say it was tense is an understatement. 

But here you were, ignoring the way that the extremely sharp knife you were using to chop some vegetables would probably struggle to cut the thick tension in the air. 

From across the kitchen and standing by the door of the office was Sugar. 

Her eyes felt like they were seering holes on your back. 

She chewed her bottom lip with her arms crossed and eyebrows creasing, watching you carefully. She noted the way you carefully yielded the knife, avoiding your fingers and skillfully chopped the onions into a julienne cut. 

The memory of when Carmy taught you how to do that, years ago, on a night when Mikey was cooking dinner for all five of you, popped into her mind. She could practically smell the browning of garlic and even hear Mikey teasingly warning Carmy that his girl better come out of the lesson unscathed, Richie laughing loudly in the background. 

With a sigh, Sugar turned to walk back into the office, catching Richie's eyes before closing the door behind her. Richie winced, unsure what to do with Sugar's silent communication of 'do something!'.

Beside you, a stranger grabbed a bowl of chopped onions from you. Turning out of instinct, you and the stranger made eye contact before she smiled briefly and turned away. You couldn't help but feel elated that someone from here, anyone, looked at you without this watery, dejected look in their eye that they either hid or showed unabashedly.  

Carmy barks out a couple orders, as usual, before passing you, "Behind."

He placed his hand onto your shoulder, gripping it softly but right as he put it there, it disappeared. You barely had any time to react to it, feel the warmth for a split second before he moved away to continue his work. Your shoulder twitched as you paused for a second before resuming your task. 

Everyone around you kept moving, efficiently calling out to one another to keep this machine of a restaurant going. They moved quickly and without doubt, from one place to another but they all managed to migrate back to their original stations. 

And here you were, standing over a cutting table, holding a knife, with a never ending supply of onions to chop. 

"Hey…"

The onions just kept coming. 

"Hey uhm…"

Once you thought you finished cutting them all, more just appeared there. You didn't notice if someone put them there but, if you did, you just seemed to block it out. 

"Yo…" 

You could always put the knife down and step away from the onions, but you didn't. This was your station, you were needed here. If you stopped, what would happen? What would you do? What would everyone else do? 

Carmy yelled out your name. 

You whipped your head around, making yourself stumble. Everyone around you looked away in an instant, busying their hands and eyes. 

"Everyone's getting ready to go now," he said, trailing off into a softer tone at the end. 

You blinked and nodded, placing the knife down and wiping your hands on your apron before approaching the office where Sugar stood. There she held your stuff, still looking at you in a way that made that pit in your stomach come back. You forced out a smile, trying to show her that you were okay, but that look never went away. 

As Ebra was about to leave through the backdoor, he paused and turned to you. He nodded and tried to smile but it came out looking like a mix of a smile and wince that made you want to both laugh and cry. 

Ebrahim said your name, making you furrow your brows, before he said, "Your return is welcomed." 

With that, he left. 

Slowly, you began to nod your head, looking off to the side. His words felt oddly comforting. You had known him for a long time now as he was a long time chef here at The Beef and while your conversations used to be extensive, this one line he shared with you now said everything that needed to be said in the moment. 

Marcus and the stranger who smiled at you earlier, whom you came to know as Sydney, were chatting quietly by the lockers before they too passed you as you took off your apron and handed it to Sugar. 

"It's nice to have you around again," Marcus said, before reaching forward to embrace you. 

You embraced him back, squeezing your eyes shut as you were reminded of how every 'hello!' and 'goodbye!' the two of you shared while at The Beef was accompanied with a hug, like a slow simmered and flavorful sauce that perfectly complemented a dish. 

Sydney nodded and gave you a tight smile, "Nice to meet you…" 

You nodded back and cleared your throat, giving her your name as you awkwardly introduced yourself. Despite spending the whole day with each other, you never once formally introduced yourselves, just listened to others throw your names back and forth. 

"It's nice to meet you too." 

The two left quietly.

Tina, Manny, and Angel all walked toward the door. The two men nodded in your direction before leaving while Tina stopped and smiled warmly. 

"I'm glad you came, mija*," Tina whispered, reaching to place her hand on your arm. 

You could feel the worn skin of her hands press into your skin, making goosebumps appear over your arms. 

Hiking her bag over her shoulder, Tina left with a glance back to you. 

The door closed, leaving only you, Sugar, Carmy, and Richie to be the only ones inside The Beef. Fak had left earlier in the day, hugging you tightly much to the dismay of Richie who made it known that he thought Fak was smothering you. But you appreciated Fak's sweet nature for a brief second until it became a reminder of once was, making your mood sour as he left. 

The clank of the back door closing made you look over to the three others in the building with you. Carmy was wiping down some of the tables in the kitchen, Richie was glancing at you from the front counter as he messed with the register, and Sugar was chewing on her lip and staring at the floor beside you. 

All three looked like they wanted to tell you something but couldn't. Well Carmy looked like everything he did want to say was buried deep inside and he was just going to ignore it all, Richie looked like he wasn't sure how to start the conversation, and Sugar looked like she desperately wanted to start the conversation but didn't want to upset you in the process. 

With all your stuff in tow, you gave the three of them one more glance before shrugging and turning around, feeling relieved that the day didn't end in tears, a yelling match, or at the hospital. So you turned around, ready to go home and not deal with this stuffy air or pity and grief anymore. 

"Wait-!" 

You froze, face squeezing together. You were this close to getting out… this close! 

You let go of the breath you didn't know you were holding and slowly swiveled around on your feet, soles squeaking underneath you. 

You knew that all three of them spoke at the same time, voicing the exact same thought at once. But no one spoke when you turned, only looking away from you. 

The lights buzzed quietly and the clock in the office clicked softly, being the only sounds that echoed in the room. Your eyes shifted from each of the three as you felt yourself getting more and more desperate to just go home. 

Carmy was the first to break the silence, making you take a sharp inhale, "You did good today, Chef." 

You sighed, "Thank you, Chef." 

He rubbed the back of his neck, other hand on his waist. His back was still turned away from you so you had no idea if he was cringing from what he said out of the blue or meant it genuinely. Either way, you would've said thank you. 

Sugar said your name before continuing, "It's okay to feel-" 

Richie interjected rather quickly, "Do you have a place to stay, cousin?"

Both you and Carmy winced as Sugar and Richie shared a quick glare. They then turned their attention back to you, gazes softening. But you and Carmy both understood the implication, making you both squirm a bit. 

You opened your mouth to respond, before closing it again, feeling a bit like a fish. But nevertheless, you carefully chose your words and continued, "If there's anything you really want to tell me, get it over with now." 

You looked around again. You can feel yourself getting increasingly agitated at the way they all avoided your gaze as if looking at you would be enough to make you shatter into millions of glass pieces. 

Carmy simply nodded and looked away at your statement, making you roll your eyes. So he was just going to ignore everything, okay then.

Sugar hummed to herself, foot tapping on the floor quietly before she finally said, somewhat exasperated, "It's okay to feel… not okay, okay?"

This made you snort.

She looked at you, somewhat taken aback, as you coughed, trying to cover the unexpected snort you just let out. 

"Yea… I know." You said, brief humor disappearing. 

"Have you been to therapy or anything?" She continued, surprising you. 

You stood up straight, actually considering her words. Therapy was something that felt somewhat foreign to you. While you were no stranger to it, having been for other things before, you hadn't gone specifically for Mikey's death. If anything, you avoided it. 

"Uhm… no I haven't…" 

Sugar sighed, "You uhm, if you haven't already, which i'm sure you have, you should consider going…" 

You closed your eyes, the implication of going to see a professional about this making you nervous. But before you could get deeper into those thoughts, Richie spoke up. 

"Where are you staying at?" He asked. 

"I'm at my parent's, right now." 

His forehead creased before he continued, "Are you here for a while or…?"

Sighing you let your hands clap onto your thighs, "I guess so… as far as i know i have nothing out west." 

At this, he perked up, "You'll be okay there..?" 

The way he worded that sounded like a cross between a question and a statement, as if he was both reassuring you that you would be okay at home and asking you if you would be okay at the place where you got the news of your boyfriend’s death. 

"Yea." You stated in a matter of fact tone that even surprised yourself. 

You rolled your shoulders back, holding your head up high. You walked into The Beef earlier that day hoping to pretend that you were the same confident and fun person you were prior to Mikey's death yet all that just melted away the second you were inside. But it was never too late for you to bring that facade back, was it? 

You smiled and took a deep breath, "You all have my phone number, if you need me, call or text me. You also all know where I'm at right now, you are free to come over anytime. It was really nice seeing you all, goodnight." 

With that, you left, closing the door and leaving all the unanswered questions that the people you once considered family had behind. 

You didn't hear from any of them until a week later. You had avoided them and The Beef in the time being, choosing to stay at home whenever your parents tried to get you to do minor outings like joining them to shop at the grocery store or walk around the neighborhood. You knew that you would have to pull your weight around the house soon too, but would probably choose to do laundry, yard work, cooking meals, or cleaning before going out and risking running into someone you knew. 

Or even worse, a reminder of what you lost. 

So you stayed at home, leaving the few belongings you brought with you in boxes around your room. They, like you, were stuck in limbo, unsure whether or not you would be staying or going. 

The only tangible thing you really had anymore were your thoughts. Somedays they made you laugh and other days, they made you cry until you fell asleep with puffy eyes and a nauseous stomach.

When Richie called you three days later to meet him at some random address, you were confused. His rough voice was oddly soft, speaking carefully and clearly. He didn't answer any of your questions either, just reiterating the directions and that he was fine. You were even more confused when you realized that you were meeting him outside an urgent care in the city. The confusion only grew into panic when you saw that he was sitting in a wheelchair with a nurse behind him next to the front curb of the building. 

As your car slowed down in front of him, you quickly unbuckled yourself and hopped out of your car but before you could say anything, the nurse spoke up.

"Make sure he keeps the area dry for the next 24 to 48 hours. He needs to gently clean the area with water twice a day after that. Replace the bandage twice a day and then everytime you clean it. Richard should already know what to do but I thought this information should also be relayed to you." 

"Uh... okay." You said, smiling nervously at her. 

Your eyes shifted to Richie who looked at you guiltily. 

After both you and the nurse helped Richie into the passenger seat of your car, the two of you took off in silence. Soft jazz played on the radio, tuned to some random channel you didn't bother to change because you were too busy wondering how you even got here. 

Once you stopped at a red light a couple blocks away, you spoke up, "Why the fuck are you sitting in my car with stitches???"

Richie snorted and winced, "I'm fine, thanks for asking." 

You groaned, rolling your eyes and accelerating as the light turned green, "Okay well you're alive so that's all that matters. Now tell me why you're sitting in my car with stitches."

Richie leaned his head against the window, looking out, "...Do you even want me to tell you? It has to do with The Beef…" 

You were silent, debating. On one hand, you were worried and wanted to know what happened, but another part of you warned you that this piece of information would only begin dragging you back to the very place you didn't want to go back to. 

Meanwhile, the soft jazz continued, filling in the space of silence between you two. 

"Fine." You finally murmured.

"Shit got messy with this new to-go thing that Sydney added, which was her fault by the way, and fucked everything up right before the lunch rush. Marcus was too busy focusing on his donut to do his job and it all just… blew up in our faces!" Richie gestured wildly, very obviously still upset. 

You nodded slowly, drumming your fingers on the steering wheel as you imagined what he was saying.

"Carmy threw a fucking fit and was yelling at everyone and when I tried to step in, I only ended up arguing with Sydney and when I tried to be the bigger person and walk away, guess fucking what, i get stabbed."

"What?!" You jerk, alarmed. 

The car swerved a bit making Richie groan as he put pressure onto his wound. You quickly straighten the car and mumbled a curse followed by an apology.

"I'm okay! I'm okay! Sydney was holding a knife and didn't say anything so when I moved with my back to her, I moved into the knife she was holding. It wasn't like she tried to stab me or anything, she was just being stupid." He quickly adds, adjusting himself in his seat with a wince as he tried to quell your fear. 

You slumped back into your seat, chewing so hard on your bottom lip that you hissed in pain when you bit too hard, "Jesus…"

"Sydney quit and Marcus pretty much did too, fucking assholes. I got halfway through the lunch rush before Tina forced me to go get medical attention. Carmy was too pissed off to say anything about it but yea…" 

You parked your car in front of the place you knew as Richie's apartment. You got there purely by muscle memory, which made Richie's chest tighten when he noticed but didn't say a word about. 

You sighed and pinched the bridge of your nose, "So you're telling me that all hell broke loose today, Carmy lost it, Syd and Marcus quit, and you got stabbed?"

Richie nodded, "In the ass."

You stared at him blankly. 

"Well fuck."

"Fuck indeed."

This made you both chuckle to yourselves. 

"So what now?" 

This made Richie shrug, "I don't know but, I'm going back again tomorrow and I'll just have to see…

one step at a time." 

Richie wasn't a sap, he knew that. He hated huge displays of affection, greeting cards with cheesy lines, and stickers that were meant to be encouraging but actually seemed condescending. 

So when he randomly blurted out that last part aloud to you, he thought he would grimace the same way he does to sappy things he hates. 

But he didn't. 

It felt right in the moment and judging by the way he noticed your tense frame soften in your seat, it felt right for you too. 

"One step at a time," you repeated, turning to smile softly at him.

Richie sagged in his seat, swallowing the knot in his throat. He hadn’t seen you smile this genuinely since before Mikey’s death. 

That night you laid in bed and stared at the ceiling, doing what you seemed to do best nowadays: thinking. 

So much has changed since you were last here, not only with the places but the people. Yet, you felt the exact same. Cutting your hair, living in a new place, and leaping into the arms of a new person never once changed you. 

But in that brief exchange with Richie before you dropped him off, something inside you changed. You couldn't pinpoint it, no matter how many hours you spent lying awake trying desperately to figure out what it was. 

As scary as it was, it also felt good. It felt warm and soothing and not at all artificial. Not at all like what some words said to you after the funeral services were like.

It was at 5:17 am, in the darkness of your bedroom, that you decided that you would go to The Beef the next day and take it one step at a time.

[acourtofthought]

Giving gifts to Gwyn while supposedly in love with Elain and also feeling a spark in his chest for Gwyn feels a lot like emotional cheating and that's triggering to me because I was cheated on by my first boyfriend.

Therefore I request no e/riel artwork during ElainWeek because of it especially not of her wearing said necklace.

See how that goes? It's very easy to play this game, using our past experiences as a way to police what others can share.

Also, Sarah doesn't need to like Tamlin for others to create Tamlain content, that's literally not how fandom works 😂

Sarah also clearly doesn't like the idea of e/riel either considering she had Rhys (someone she loves) hand Az his ass in the bonus, shutting that shit down like a Spirit Store in December yet that doesn't seem to stop Elain Week from turning into another e/riel week.

Sarah once made people believe in Tamlin and Feyre then later told us Tamlin's behavior wasn't appropriate. It seems clear some are still stuck on e/riel in exactly the way many of us thought Feyre and Tamlin were happy in book 1. They're missing how Sarah spoke of Tamlin being the bad guy after Feyre ended up leaving with Rhys, how she revealed the true issues with his behavior in the book which had Feyre's endgame romantic arc. Therefore trying to claim Az's actions towards Elain and Tamlin's towards Feyre's are different doesn't hold any weight because they're at a different point in their setup, Elain hasn't had her romantic arc book yet. The foundations are identical though. Now that we see the path Tamlin went down in book 2 it's really strange how some miss the similarities with what she's doing with the e/riel ship. Feyre and Tamlin had cute moments until she later showed us how toxic they were together. We didn't notice those issues in ACOTAR but she really delved into them in the book after.

Just because Az will not end up written to be a bad guy like Tamlin doesn't mean he wasn't starting to demonstrate the same behavior towards Elain, something he was in CANON called out for by Rhys and Amren. Sarah halted Az turning into Tamlin by pulling the plug on e/riel on Solstice. She halted Az turning into Tamlin by pulling the plug on Moriel. But we saw her write Az as getting into physical fights (or willing to) over these two females, not giving credit to these two females for what they're capable of, getting into fights with their friends over a female (just like the Tamlin and Lucien situation). Of course Az isn't as bad as Tamlin, but the key word to that is yet. Tamlin's rage caused him to explode a room. Rhys knocked Az from his rage before Az did something he regretted. He was on the exact same path that Tamlin was before his behavior escalated and that's why Sarah introduced a new possible love interest for Az. One we see him finally have a healthy and natural reaction too. One he's not overly fixated on being protective of (a major issue for Az just as it was for Tamlin).

Gwyn doesn't have to change Az, she hasn't even done anything but be herself. Az is just different around her all on his own.

Tamlin with Feyre:

Az, Az with Mor, and Az with Elain:

Az with Gwyn:

Just because Bloomsbury added a number for the Domestic Abuse Hotline it doesn't mean that domestic abuse is the only thing that triggers people while reading these books, we all have different experiences so we view the characters a certain way. (Bloomsbury is not a Board Certified Mental Health Professional, correct?). For some of us we do see Az acting a lot like Tamlin at times and time will tell if Sarah agrees, that she purposely wrote him as coming close to falling victim to the same issues but pulled him back just in time.

Therefore any group claiming their trigger is more valid than someone else's, claiming one trigger is more serious than another, is making themselves more important than the rest and is not an all inclusive group no matter what you're trying to convince yourselves of. To gaslight they'll say we're making light of domestic abuse while in reality they're the ones carelessly using abuse as a way to promote their fictional ship by tearing down others (i.e. Gwyn can't have a kinky sexual relationship because of her SA sending the message that SA survivors can't enjoy certain forms of sex).

Someone is always going to be triggered by something, even if it's something you personally enjoy so who is anyone to elevate themselves to judge and jury?

Shaming an actual person by saying they're gross for liking the idea of something in a make believe world, that they're not welcome because of their "disgusting" fantasy is you creating actual abuse to an actual person versus something that only happened to a make believe character of a make believe species in a make believe world.

And yes, horrible things happen to people in real life but Fantasy Books are not real life therefore your real life morals need not apply.

So basically a good tagging system / Master List would be a good way for all to enjoy without people having to be left out because of someone's trauma.

[foxes-that-run]

A TTPD theory

Take this as fiction, or view it as a thought experiment in how what we see can be taken in a number of ways. We are not privy to anything in Taylors life but her lyrics, social media posts and paparazzi photos, and for many years Taylor has been a continuous participant in pap photos as promotion, and keenly engaged and aware of how her fanbase reads things. I think most fans think what she wants them too, which isn't always her actual experience. She has told us this in songs like Dear Reader, Mirrorball and a lot of TTPD. Taylor has also acted out or given quotes to seed songs, in the lead up to or after their release before too.

In this post I talked about how the TTPD prologue has three muses and I'll highlight this line after the 'cosmic' muse I think is Harry:

So, here's my fan fiction/thought experiment. To me I think what started as wishing to be in a different relationship, became friendly flirting. Where I think it went wrong was in wanting different things at the time, as Taylor said in the prologue, 'some stars ever align', I still hope they do one day.

We start our story at the 2021 Grammy's (March 2021)

2021 timeline

Harry and Taylor were seen together for the first time in 6 years at the 2021 Grammy's, where both were seen looking at the other and they spoke. Their body language in the video of them talking is interesting. Taylor is leaning forward, gesturing a lot, she looks confident but also tense. Harry is the one to start it, but he looks away when she says something and it looks like he ends the conversation with pleasantries. She goes home and writes High Infidelity about resenting a partner and having an affair, outing April 29 in the process. He writes As it Was and Love of My Life about accepting something special is gone forever.

TTPD guesses for this time:

I look through people's windows - I think this song refers to the 2021 Grammy's, it refers to the muse catching their breath, tilting their head. They are someone close now distant. Sliding doors and what if's. It sounds like that conversation.

Guilty as Sin? - This song is seems early in Taylors thinking about leaving Joe, she is feeling guilty about wishing she was with someone else. High Infidelity we know was written then is oddly similar, but GAS is a current thought process with Haylor links.

Peter - I think it fits for vibes of 'life was easier on you'

May - August - Brit Awards (May 2021)

They saw each other again at the Brits in May when I think Glitch was written, Joe was in Belfast filming then.

On July 24 2021, for the anniversary of Folklore Taylor posted a photo of herself with two (double album) coffee cups (Karma MV) and text which could fit into an Eras tour Betty Speech, highlighting 'victorian ghost' and The Lakes (poets)

On 18 June 2021 Taylor announces Red TV and says “tortured by memories past”

TTPD guesses for this time:

Tortured Poets Department (because she refers to it in September and in the Red TV Announcement.

My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys - the Red TV announcement refers to Wild that is on TTPD 11 times and Red 4 times, most in that song. Taylor also used the sandcastles in 1989 Spotify Visuals

August - October 2021

This is where I wonder if a friendship was becoming flirtatious. Or with the rerecording of Red and being unhappy with Joe if perhaps Taylor was thinking more about a road not taken. Taylor had a version of the title track written and decided it was a title track and an emerging aesthetic to easter egg by September 2021. Harry was very overt too, on their anniversary he performed in white satin in Nashville wearing the Peace Ring. I think it was a flirtation then.

recorded Red (Taylors Version) in Belfast visiting Joe so was in the Haylor feels

posted this TikTok of a Glitch while recording Red TV and a request for Wildest Dreams TV

went on Fallon to promote ATW where she easter egged Typewriters, and said would try to drop easter eggs 3 years advance.

At the Tribeca Film Festival she again mentioned Typewriters, an album with an acronym, tortured poets and manuscript. She would try to drop easter eggs 3 years in advance.

Released the ATW short film with typewriters super clear and and included them in the merch too.

Harry has the first heart kiss since 2018 in St Paul! Then wears all white satin and wears and plays with his Peace Ring (for the first time in years) to perform in Nashville while Taylor in town, a few days after their anniversary, and adds To Be So Lonely to the setlist. Then he records Satellite.

TTPD guesses for this time:

Manuscript because of Red TV records (and referred to at Tribeca)

November and December 2021

This is when the majority of Midnights was written. Taylor was also not seen much after the ATW release, Joe was in Panama. You're Losing Me was recorded, if TTPD songs are from here that's hard to tell. Harry was MIA for 2 weeks before Taylors birthday and in this period Taylor wore a Gucci Lion Ring to Zoe's birthday, interesting with the amount of ring talk on TTPD. Question…? Written.

2022

2022 timeline

Matty Healy first worked with Jack sometime after 5 January.

21 January - Charlie Puth includes painting a red fence in his MV he later refers to when promoting TTPD. - So the left typewriter/Charlie Puth of it all is way too early for MH.

April 2022, Harry said “to BFs everywhere F U” which I think was directed at Joe. So he knew whatever Joe did. Drake also shouted out supportively Taylor on 19 April. Joe's costar's name in the final cut of CWF (Ep 3, 11:55).

Harry's House released on Harry and Taylors 20 May anniversary. As it was MV beforehand.

I still think it was Joever (or they were on a break) May 2022

In November I posted that I thought Midnight was the break up album. Suggesting that I think Joe and Taylor broke up by May 2022. I had thought that Joe may have agreed to a number of appearances to provide them both time to process and ready themselves for Taylors fans finding out.

I still think this, though perhaps it also could have been a break. The speed with which Taylor moved on could have that the break up was raw for us, not her.

I primarily thought this because Joe was at a random Hollywood party rather than her NYU Graduation, and she stopped liking his IG posts then, which she had done reliably.

This is to say, I think Taylor held back in Midnights and at least some of it was written before the 2 years she said at the Grammy's.

August - October 2022

By August friendly flirtation had been going on for a year, Harry dressed for eras as the rerecords were announced. They were in communication so much he knew when she was announcing things before she did. On the night of the VMAs he was dressed in blue stars to match her Midnights after party dress while Joe dragged her out to a car. I wonder if Fortnight was set after they were both at TIFF then New York for 2 weeks during Harry's residency, Harry seemed to be really struggling after that. My guess is that with the impending bad press of the Nanny/OWs relationship - any part in it being Joever would have been out of the question.

August 2022 - Harry and OW are in a Rolling Stone interview, they interviewed them in April and it came much later, but I think this is referred to in loml and something Taylor would have especially not liked given her desire for a power couple

The OW/Shia drama came to light and that relationship looked done by 5 September at the DWD premiere.

7 September - 30 October Harry wore the Peace Ring again at HSLOT shows. They were both at the Tiff Film Festival, (where Taylor mentioned typewriters again).

They were then both in New York during his residency ending 21 September, where he also played Ever Since New York for the first time in 4 years. This is my guess for when Fortnight is set.

There were blinds Joe was texting other people.

The TTPD Spotify room included a safe (vault) from Toronto 👀

In October 6 - 10 Harry postponed 2 shows due to Illness, with Sony saying Harry was not unwell. Now, other Sony artists postponed shows and this Reddit thread suggests it is over the Nanny scandal (but I don't think Harry would be so cut up about that story to cancel shows and call his mum) so there could be lots of reasons for this. But it is a real anomaly.... and Anne and Gemma flew from England to support him when he performed again.

12 October - Charlie Puth easter eggs TTPD on Fallon.

Midnights was released and Joe carried a coffee table book to avoid touching Taylor in the pap walk

Eras Tour training started September 2022 - in the Time interview Taylor said she stopped drinking and ran on the treadmill for 6 months before tour began. The Typewriters were also in the Eras set for The Man.

"This time, she began training six months ahead of the first show. “Every day I would run on the treadmill, singing the entire set list out loud,”" and "“Learning choreography is not my strong suit.” With the exception of Grammy night—which was “hilarious,” she says—she also stopped drinking. “Doing that show with a hangover,” she says ominously. “I don’t want to know that world.”

TTPD guesses for this time:

Fortnight - I think the references to a cheating husband (current tense) and wife, (the Clean lyric similarity of watering flowers) places this here. I think the August 2022 Rolling Stone with OW is part inspiration for that line. Also functioning alcoholic/time magazine quote, here or soon after.

loml - this song would have come after Harry's House. I think the Valiant Roar is a reference to the August 2022 Rolling Stone Interview with OW and Harry, I also wonder about June 2022.

Down Bad - This fits narratively if the Fortnight was September and it ended in October that puts Taylor 'down bad crying at the gym' while preparing for the Eras tour. The staring at the sky / CBBH reference also make sense to be after Taylor heard Satellite and re-recorded Red TV.

BDILH - Based on my theory on it ending due to scandals I think this fits here, at least in a starting form.

November - December 2022

This period is unknown to me, OW and Harry BUA, Harry bought a Ferrari he never drove. He was last seen driving in December 2022. Joe said Tortured Man's Club in an interview. Taylor and Joe go to New Orleans, seemingly argue and she visits a recording studio. So if not completely over this looks like a final blow.

TTPD guesses for this time:

Fresh Out of the Slammer is recorded in New Orleans

January - March 2023

Taylor performed at The 1975 concert, Harry rumoured there. Matty Healy accused Harry of Queer Baiting and Blinds that he hated Harry. Harry started being driven places.

Taylor went over to Harry at the Grammy's and was enthusiastic supporting him. I feel like things between Harry and Taylor were friendly, but I think that was it, she was initiating. He recorded the Satellite music video but then kept it in his pocket until May, maybe something started earlier, when things were different and finished then later. Joe was seen at the Grammy's with Jack and posted a photo of meredith. Harry tours Australia, slides into Influencer Yan Yan's DM's. He adds Woman to the setlist and kisses his heart. ER kiss. At the end of the month MHs ex says they were going fine.

TTPD guesses for this time:

imgonnagetyouback - because of him fixing his hair at the Grammy's

April & May 2023

Joever announced. I have a long post on the Maylor thing. My perspective is that Harry wasn't up for more than friends at that time, Matty is known for deep resentment of Harry. Matty & Taylor were both on tour, they weren't in the same city apart from the handful of times they were seen, and they were overseas from each other when it started and ended... and Matty implied it was not sincere. Taylors team also said it was not serious. Fans see it differently and that's OK. But to me it was trolling of the highest order from them both.

On 9 April Harry played golf at Augusta Georgia and disappeared for 2 weeks. In April 12 Taylor wore the Gucci Lion ring, she went to Florida, MH in Australia, HS MIA last seen in Georgia. If the Fortnight is a literal affair I think it is here. Most of the MH public stuff was after that. Harry also added Stockholm Syndrome and Grapejuice to his setlist and seen outside Cartier before Taylor starts wearing the Necklace after their old anniversary. It's a mess. The MH thing ended.

TTPD guesses for this time:

Songs recorded, but like Fresh out the slammer they are likely started earlier. I think the daily pap works with nicely matching photos is to have everything happen in this 'neater' timeline.

Alchemy - Taylor said this title in the Cruel Summer speech in March, Taylor may have added to it later.

Florida!!! - ... HS was in the US, MH was not.

June

June is when I think things went really bad. I think this is where Taylor 'tore it all down with one conversation', which based on the Time magazine may have been wanting something public. Angry I don't wanna live forever Surprise Song and wild Betty Speeches:

"James, and he really, really, really messes things up bad with the love of his life, and he has to try to get her back, and apologize very sincerely, and profusely, and say he’s going to change and be better, and that’s all he has to do."

Taylor crying in a car in pap photos. Deux Moi reports Taylor attended HSLOT at Wembley. TR attends one Wembley show, we don't know which. Harry played Sweet Creature, maybe for Gemma's baby. The same night Taylor played Seven and said:

"I’ve always just had something happen to me, or feel a feeling, for even like seven seconds, if I feel a feeling, it’ll be like, ‘Oh! I have to write a song about this seven seconds of me feeling this way.’ It’s like, it’s genuinely been like, it’s not really a job, it’s like a full coping mechanism" ... (TTPD hint) ... "radical, the idea of a man apologizing in a beautiful, heartfelt, sincere way.’ I’m not talking about any of you. If you’re here, you’re exempt. You’re a really emotionally intelligent group. I’m sort of talking about other people right now.

TTPD guesses for this time:

Black dog, down bad, FOTS recorded, but not necessarily written.

loml - I think it fits here because Harry put Stockholm Syndrome with "I'll never leave" on the setlist in the place of Love of My Life.

Prophecy

BDILH

The rest is in the 2023 timeline

[candywife333]

There is Never A Right Time

Summary:

Jungkook hadn’t thought about the woman he had left for a long time. He had gotten secretly married to her, his judgement clouded under the influence of alcohol,  and all it took was a shadow of distrust to make him abandon her. If the world questioned the sanctity of her character, then the world had to be right. Right? He hoped he was right at least. Because if he wasn’t , he had lost the best thing that had ever happened to him in his life. As he continued to work as a top idol, artist, and entrepreneur time went by. He had other women but they never lasted long in his life. When he attended an award show with the rest of the members, he saw a girl there. Another artist. Definitely someone he knew he had never seen or heard of before. Who was she? Something about her was familiar. Maybe her eyes. And then it struck him, making him go as cold as a corpse. He had seen those same eyes somewhere else alright, in the mirror when he looked at his own reflection every morning.

DISCLAIMER: The character written in this fan fiction does not represent the real Jungkook’s personality or behavior. All of this is fiction. 

WARNING: Fic mentions noncon/rape (does not describe it explicitly in this part), please don’t read if this is a trigger. 

This series is slated to be a trilogy. Here is PART ONE, hope you guys enjoy. Also, I will be creating a permanent tag-list for all my chubby reader fics, please let me know in comments whoever would like to be a part of that. 

  PART 1

The lady stood in front of him and the other members. She exuded a powerful aura, regal and dignified. These qualities were rather an unusual combination for idols, especially Korean idols so he was a little starstruck. Something that was rather unusual for any member of BTS to feel. She couldn't have been more than 18 years old though based on her appearance. The girl must be mixed race because she had very unconventional features for an idol. She had dark thick curly black hair that trailed to her hips and her skin reminded him of strongly brewed milk tea. The even more startling features were her plush lips, a prominent straight nose graced by a diamond stud, and double lidded eyes fringed with what seemed to be thick eyelashes.

She was sporting an unusual outfit as well; a customized skirt and bra set that he only saw gypsies and belly dancers wear. A gold belt adorned her waist sitting lower on her hips with a diamond belly piercing highlighting her lithe , toned figure. He couldn't stop looking at her because strangely enough something about her was familiar.

He made eye contact with her accidentally and what he saw made his heart palpate against his chest. He had seen those same eyes every day of his life in his mirror. Her doe eyes were too similar to his own. They say that eyes are a mirror to the soul, but her eyes were a mirror to his own.

Who was she? He felt a stir of panic as their eyes met and she bowed down low. She was of average height, but her presence seemed to envelope the room since other well known artists,  idols, and staff greeted her politely. The stage director came near her bowing. To Jungkook’s surprise , she spoke in fluent Korean though she seemed to be a foreign artist.

The stage director and the girl were a few feet away from BTS when the stage director exclaimed , “How is your mother doing Cha-ya? She must be worried since you have only promoted up til now in the US, Thailand, and India. Are you having a comfortable time adjusting over here?”

The girl’s eyes lit up in glee as she responded with a little chuckle, “It has for sure been a different experience than the U.S. and India for sure. The stage is so organized and everything is so close by for promotions. I am enjoying it to the max. Mom told me to eat well and sleep 8 hours a day. You know how doctors are like. She’s constantly checking in on me to see if I am stressed out. Saiyan and Arang are also being such worrywarts since this is the first time I’ve been here.”

The stage director continued in mild surprise, “Are they your brothers? I thought you were an only child ?”

She guffawed in a cacophonous fashion which made several idols and artists look her way, in awe and confusion. Jungkook thought that she was a rather different type of artist. Very uninhibited by social norms. Clearly she had not been brought up in Korea.

“Director, we are actually triplets but both of them were born a few minutes ahead of me so they insist that they are my older brothers. We are very tight knit and they will be coming to visit soon. Saiyan is a pretty popular model right now and so he will be finishing his Engineering degree at Washington State and rush over here for Seoul fashion week. Arang on the other hand finished his MBA/Medicine dual degree, so he will be managing a chain of Health and Wellness Resorts over here. “

The director’s jaw slid open in an exclamation. He sputtered in disbelief, “ How are all of your siblings so well studied and managing jobs like that? You must be the only sibling purely in entertainment.” The girl deliberated for a second before responding, “Mom made sure we all had solid educations before pursuing these types of careers. She is always skeptical of fame, and she brought us up to be extremely disciplined, stable, and loyal individuals. I am actually finished with my course in Law (focus in international law) ,but currently all that is stalled for the time being because of my activities in entertainment.”

As Jungkook was hearing this conversation along with the other artists in the room who were curiously eavesdropping as well, the Director continued in awe, “Your mother seems to be an extremely strong lady. I knew she was a doctor  who seemed extremely rich and well off, but she must literally be a goddess to give birth to such high achieving kids. What about your father, what does he do?”

Cha-ya scoffed with a quizzical, somewhat bitter look, “He actually left her before we were even born. We found out who he was when we all finished college. Our mother made sure our upbringing was never lacking. We saw him a lot on the Korean and world news growing up but never knew that he was our dad. You know,  he is someone whose popularity never fades strangely enough. He sold his soul for fame, so it is to be expected perhaps.” The director looked so intrigued and invested as he prodded for more info, “ Who is he? Definitely we would know who he is? Is he a singer, actor, businessman in the industry over here?”

Cha-ya’s entire expression became rigid and mask-like as she replied in what seemed to be a disinterested tone, “ We do not consider him our dad, so neither my brothers, nor I would like to claim him. He was a sperm donor. That is the long and short of it. Who he is, is as irrelevant as what today’s weather forecast is. He betrayed my mother and trusted the world over her. She went through so much pain just to be by his side. And when she thought the pain would end, he left her. I have to be on stage, so if you will excuse me now Sir.”

She side stepped the director and went closer to the entrance of the main stage. Jungkook could feel the bile and vomit rising to his mouth. She had been pregnant when he had left her? He had three kids, that he never knew anything about? This grown beautiful artist was his daughter?And he had two more accomplished sons?  His parents had grandkids? And how the hell did she brith triplets?!! Wouldn’t her vagina tear ??????!!!

His world was crashing down on him as the rest of BTS stared at him with stark grief painted across their faces. They all remembered her name, it was unforgettable.

Before he could process anything, he heard the booming noise starting up on the stage. Wait, wait up a minute! This track was the most popular pop/ rock release of the year all over the US. He saw his daughter he never knew he had on stage in an elaborate headdress dancing with precision and fluidity on stage. She had no backing track, the other idols could tell. This was live. Only one artist sang with no backing track in all her performances this year in the US. She was on MTV and all other award shows, becoming sensational, l hitting all headlines for singing with no backing track usually acapella . Shadow, that was her romanized name, but in all Asian countries she went by Nee-Da.

She had risen to the top for the past 3 years for her herculanean work ethic , creative marketing/business acumen. She was known for her cutthroat ruthlessness in the music industry, mostly aided by the fact that her mother was known to own and manage the world’s most innovative new security system, Poison. He did not know what to be more shocked about at this point? How could he not have recognized her? Seeing her in real life was different from seeing her on stage with all the makeup and ornamentation on.

She was the pop-star of the era, a business mogul with a net worth of close to 300 million dollars at such a young age due to her clothing and makeup line. She was his daughter. How could this even be possible? Jungkook could feel his identity crisis coming. How did he birth the most iconic popstar of this generation, who as of now hated his guts? What scared him even more was the realization of who her mother was.

The lady he had left, the woman he could never forget even in his dreams was her mother. And her mother owned the world’s scariest personal security company, Poison. The company had revolutionized personal security by founding a bracelet and many other gadgets that created magnetic repellant force fields around individuals. It was notorious for being marketed only towards woman and could only be activated when the device recognized the XX chromosome, so the device would never protect men.

Basically, women all around the world who had these devices now had a programmable magnetic forcefield around them which shielded them from the outside world. Firearms, Tasers, and aggressors were all repelled by this technology. Women could safely walk out in the middle of the night as long as they had a device, which was continuously made affordable at its very inception by the reclusive owner of the company.

With this  technology ,the owner instantly became the most powerful business woman, icon, feminist, that the world knew. That is in fact all the world knew. That she was a woman. But nobody knew anything else about her, she was an elusive person who didn't show up to most media events. Her personal motto was that the products advocated for themselves. Her financial officers and other company higher ups showed up in the media, but she never did. Most people in the world didn't even know how this woman looked like, because of how reclusive she was.

All people knew was that she was Cha-ya’s mother and that she had two other kids.

What Jungkook got to know that made him almost go into a stroke was the sheer fact that Cha-ya’s mom was his Y/N. The one whose heart he had broken years ago.

Y/N was a billionaire of gargantuan proportions, a net worth that made his look like chump change.  His daughter was the iconic popstar of the century, someone whose craze and popularity surpassed his own in his heyday. Which meant that his son Saiyan was the new model who had just walk in Paris Fashion Week as the face of Armani. The same one that Jimin’s daughter had raved about the other day. Which meant that his son Arang became the CEO of the exclusive wellness resort, Ellysium , a resort only catered to the richest of the richest. All this calculations overwhelmed Jungkook to the point that there was only one reasonable outcome. He fainted.

He woke up to the sound of his members whispering in anxious voices to one another. “Do you think he can handle this right now?” Jin asked Namjoon. “I have no clue bro, I mean he hasn't seen her in years and the last time he saw her, he treated her so badly that even I felt ridiculously hurt for her” Namjoon sighed in a rather morose tone of voice. Hoseok scoffed as he seethed,  “Do you think she will even acknowledge him after all he had done to her? Jungkook left her to face a whole media circus alone while he impregnated her when he was inebriated, mind you. Then, to top it all of with a cherry he not only remembered nothing of the process, but she found him shagging a whole different girl the next day. Do you think that you would forgive actions as heinous as those”?

Jungkook felt dizzy as he struggled to sit up on the sofa. Jimin rushed to him with a frown on his face and worry painting his eyes, “You doing okay Kookie? Are you alright staying here for the rest of the award show, or do you want to head back home?” Still dazed from his fall, Jungkook responded pensively, “No it’s alright. I just need to catch my bearings and I can be there for the rest of the show”. Before the rest of the members could stop him Yoongi spit out bitterly, “You say you are okay attending the show. But are you sure you really want to? Cha-ya’s mother will be in attendance, flying out to see her babygirl win an award. You sure you can handle that Jungkook”?

Jungkook felt his heart racing, panic overtaking his mind. How could he face her? He had wronged her in so many ways? How could he show his miserable face to her after the way he had ruined her life? Y/n was never even his girlfriend or fiancé at the time. But, he had compromised her in the worst way possible and then had not even remembered his mistake the day after. She had paid for his mistakes by bearing children and caring for them when he had not even known they existed. Even if he had known , it was questionable whether he could've done anything signifiant. He had been embroiled in multiple scandals and caught in alcohol addiction during that phase of his life. He was living wild and no way would he have been a sober, or healthy father to his kids.

With the help of a few assistants , the group slowly trudged towards the celebrity seating quadrant of the award show venue. Cha-ya was up on the stage receiving the award for Most Streamed Artist from the hands of a veteran Korean actress. As Jungkook watched his daughter---as strange as it felt to say those words, receive the award with a blinding smile on her face, he felt his chest hurt. What type of crime had he committed in his previous life that he didn't even get to see his girl grow up? She was beautiful, sharing so many of his features, his bulbous nose, doe-like eyes, and rounded face.

She resembled him more than she resembled her mother. And before anyone could even expect it Cha-ya spoke into the microphone, “I thank everyone at VEX entertainment for helping me get to where I am today. I would also like to thank my staff and all the people behind the scenes who have pushed me to this position. I hope to make all of you proud. None of this would be possible without all of you”. She took in a deep breath as she announced, “But, most importantly I have to thank my mother. She brought me up to be the strong woman that I am today. She worked so hard to give us everything and never left us lacking. We never felt the absence of a father because she is both to me and to my brothers. I would like to call her up on stage, so I can dedicate this award to her. Please mom, come up on stage”.

Everything was moving too fast around Jungkook as he breathed in shallow pants. He felt like he was breathing too fast and his brain was not functioning. He felt paralyzed. Stuck. But he couldn't even catch his breath when he saw the mother of his children sweep into the area where he and the members sat. He could barely recognize the bold woman he was looking at. She looked lethal, powerful, untouchable ---the direct opposite of what she had been, a warm approachable girl.

She was draped in a blood red shimmering sari crafted with gold thread, an ensemble exposing a massive fire breathing dragon tattoo overarching the entirety of what seemed to be her left hip barely reaching to her belly button . The dress was close to backless with just a red resolute thread holding the top sleeveless jacket in place. You could tell she worked out, but she had all the feminine curves befitting a woman, a rounded stomach hidden by the shadow of the sari covering her modestly. Her face was covered with black sunglasses and she adorned her wrists with plain gold bangles, her neck laced with a simple gold chain.

She walked onto the steps leading to the stage in blood red heels as the entire celebrity section of the audience got a view of her back and tattoo. The lady was arresting to look at--all the way down from her aura to her body to her attire.

Y/N walked up to her daughter with arms opened, hugging the girl on stage with all the warmth that you would expect a mother to have for her child. A smile as radiant as a sunrise obliterated Y/N’s face as she spoke into the mike, “I am so proud to be here today to see my baby girl receive this award. She has worked so hard and all her efforts have come to fruition today. Thank you for allowing me to be on stage to celebrate this award with her”.

Both mother and daughter walked off the stage hand in hand as one of the MC’s for the award show started to walk up the stage. Collective gasps rang through the aisles as people saw who the next MC was. It was Saiyan. He had donned a simple Black Armani suit which highlighted just how devastating he looked. He took after Y/N more as he had slightly more defined cheekbones and huge eyes fringed with thick dark lashes to make any woman envious. He hulked onto stage, towering over his mom and sister at a height of 6′3. He laughed and hugged both of them, kissing his mom on the forehead,  and strolled to the mike to present the next award.

Jungkook’s eyes felt like they were about to pop out his head and his head was about to fall off his body. All three of them were on stage looking like such a happy family, radiant and warm. He could tell how much love his kids had for their mother . Y/N kissed Saiyan back on his cheek and walked off stage with Cha-ya in hand, giggling with her. These were all the people who he should've had in his life for years, held closest to his heart, but his poorly made decisions or lack thereof had distanced him from his own flesh and blood. 

Blinded by agitation and grief, Jungkook rushed out of the aisles, surprising his members as he absconded backstage to catch hold of Y/N and Cha-ya. But they weren’t alone. Cha-ya and Y/N were inundated by so many stage staff and artists who wanted to welcome them. His gut clenched as he saw all the men eyeing Y/N like she was the tastiest meal they had seen in centuries. He heard Y/N respond graciously to one staff member, “Oh, thank you for loving my outfit. It was designed by an upcoming Thai/Indian designer. She really went over the top with the gold motifs.” 

Jungkook couldn't stop himself as he pushed people, shoving past them trying to get to Y/N and his daughter. Staff around him were startled as they saw him wading through the crowd to the center of the room, whispering in shock at his pushy nature. As soon as he got in front of them, he was finally able to process the magnitude of Y/N’s beauty. Y/N was shocked for a mere a second at his sudden appearance and to his great surprise, kissed Cha ya on the cheek walking away from him as she told her, “Baby, mommy will be in your changing room. I have to take care of something”. Cha ya nodded at her mother, her eyes glazing over with a coat of suspicion and bitterness. She bowed stiffly towards Jungkook , “Sunbae, nice to meet you. It is an honor to meet you”. Her eyes took up a hard glint as she saw the rest of BTS filter into the room. She faced them and bowed to all of them, speaking in a lackadaisical tone “It is an honor to meet all of you. I have grown up watching all of you”. Her face did not show interest in engaging with them and she looked at them with a rather disinterested attitude. 

“Well I should get going. My mother is waiting for me”, she said as she glided seamlessly out of the room towards her dressing room. 

Jungkook felt tears well up in his eyes and anxiety stain his mind as he could see how cold his daughter was being towards him, as though he were a stranger. She had greeted him as though he was just any person on the street, as though they didn't share blood. As though he meant nothing to her. Jimin and Namjoon closed in around him, steering him towards a secluded corner of the room as he started sobbing miserably as though he were not able to breath. His eyes were red, tears flowing down his eyes, wetting his cheeks as he understood the gravity of what sin he had truly committed. 

He wiped frantically at his eyes, pushing away from his members as he ran towards Chaya’s changing room. He heard Yoongi scream beyond him, “Jungkook you better get back here! Don’t do this Jungkook, You need to calm down!!” Jungkook could not be reasoned with as he darted towards the room that a surprised staff had pointed at. He arrived in front of the door, barely catching his breath as he knocked in a hurried manner, desperate to speak with the most important people in his life that he had alienated. 

Chaya opened the door in a pink satin robe, leaning against the door with a sigh, “I knew you wouldn't be patient. I told mom it was a bad idea for her to fly out. She did anyway knowing that she would have to contend with you.” She sneered as she bit out in a crisp manner, “Well, why don’t you come in Jungkook -sshi? Or will you stay outside and make a circus of our reputation? Funny how you are obsessed with keeping yours, but have no problem blemishing others. You couldn't stay away, could you? You managed to for so many years, but now you fail at what you claim to be best at. Not caring. How juvenile”. She snarked all this at him vindictively as she simultaneously opened the door, gesturing for him to come into the room. 

The rest of the members stood outside as she sardonically queried, “Well, would you all grant us some privacy? I am sure we will have Jungkook-ssi out of the room soon enough. It shouldn't be a very long conservation. There isn't much to say anyway.” Yoongi’s eye twitched as he glared in silence at the rude girl who was literally the unexpected niece of all of the members. 

She closed the door on their faces.

Inside the room, Y/N sat on the couch surveying Jungkook’s appearance with mild interest. “Why are you here Jungkook? Do you need to say something?”, she calmly asked.  Y/N’s mind whirled in turmoil even as she looked calm on the outside. Why was he in front of them all these years when he himself had shunned her at her weakest moment? Jungkook was hyperventilating as he asked in a cracked voice, “I am not going to ask you the Stu-pid question of whether these kids are mine or not. Because I know that they are all the same age and I can see it in their faces and their mannerisms. They are mine”. He took a deep breath as he felt the panic overtake him, “But why did you never tell me about them? Why did you take me away from their lives. You know how much my mother and father wanted grandkids. Out of everybody in the world, you knew it the best. Why did you deprive me and my parents of them?” 

In an infuriatingly placating tone, Y/N responded without a hitch in her voice, “Don’t you remember? You didn’t want anything to do with me because I had apparently betrayed our friendship by being a characterless bitch and luring you into fucking me when you were drunk. Can you not make a quick trip down memory lane? Or has it been too long for you to remember the lurid media details that tore me apart? You may have forgotten but I never will”. 

She took a sip of tea as she tapped her nails on her lap, “You wouldn't hear me out when I told you that we had both accidentally gotten married when were drunk. Even though I knew that you never wanted anything to do with me romantically, you still initiated intercourse even as I clearly told you no. I begged you to let go of me. But in your blind livid anger of finding the marriage certificate lying on the couch later that night, you didn't do what most men do. You didn't do the practical thing, which is to rage and get over it. You didn’t tear the certificate and put an end to it there. You decided that I deserved to pay, and you fucked me even as I begged you to not ruin me. But, then again,  why are you asking me all the gruesome details, when you were the perpetrator?”

As Jungkook clutched his head, bending it down in dismay and shame, she quietly drawled, “We could've simply dissolved the marriage. It was not done seriously. It was done in a compulsion, as both of us were under the influence. Influence that you forced down my throat if we are being truly accurate. But, why did you have to ruin my life even when you were in a sober state? What excuse do you have for that? Other than your ridiculously misplaced anger? So you forced me when you were sober, making me pay in the most pitiful manner.”

 She laughed bitterly, eyes bereft of emotion, retreating behind a mask of forced complacency , “You knew, out of everyone else, since you were my friend at the time, that I had never even done it before. But you still treated me more pathetically than a piece of trash on the sidewalk. You degraded me as you violated me, taunting me with the most hurtful epithets known to man. You stripped me of my dignity. Don’t you remember jungkook? Don’t you remember any of it ? If you do, why are you forcing me to re-live it? I had kids, and I moved on from that pathetic, trusting, giving version of myself. You taught me that I must always pay the price for being kind. I will never forget it”. 

The torture was too much to bear. Jungkook crumpled off the sofa, onto the floor as he started sobbing, remembering what he had done to her. He remembered how he had hurt her again and again. They had been extremely close friends at the time, and he had ruined their friendship by crossing the line when both of them were drunk. At the time he had loved another girl, one who showed him how disgusting humanity could be. Y/N had warned him against her multiple times when they were friends , but he stupidly enough had stuck onto that girl, having a toxic relationship with her. 

When that girl had walked in on Y/N and him, finding the marriage certificate splayed out on the couch, she had broke up with him. In that frenzy of indignation, he had committed the vilest mistake of his entire life. He had forced Y/N, someone with no sexual experience, to suffer. He had degraded her verbally as he had humiliated and forced her. He remembered it as if it were yesterday. He remembered it everytime he looked at his reflection. When the violation was done, she had walked away pitifully, stumbling away from his form as she quietly uttered, “I am sorry for taking away your chance at happiness. You have punished me in a way I can never forget. I will never forget what you have taught me about our friendship. Now I know how much our friendship meant to you. Don’t worry, you will never hear from me again ”. 

As cum and blood had streamed down legs, she had dragged herself out of his house, to go back to her lonely hotel room where she sobbed and cursed at her mother for giving birth to her.  She cursed at god for her sheer existence. She would never trust again. He had damaged her forever. 

An hour after she left his house, Jungkook had understood his grievous mistake and told his Hyungs the sin he had committed. They all stared at him in shock as Yoongi started beating him, “Is THIS what we taught you Jungkook? To be a rapist and a miserable excuse of a human being?!” Everyone else stared at him in shock. Namjoon went to Bang PD to ask him to contact their lawyer. What if Y/N launched a lawsuit against Jungkook and the group? 

To all their collective surprise, they received news from Y/N’s friend Myrna, a foreign communications director at HYBE, that she had left for the U.S., going back to her home country. She had stopped at a hospital before leaving and handed Myrna an NDA drafted by a lawyer, before leaving, stating that she would not reveal anything that had gone down that day. The NDA also stated that she would like to never be contacted again, and that HYBE would face heavy legal repercussions if they ever attempted to do so. A divorce application form had been filled out and left in a pamphlet as well. All Jungkook had to do to nullify the marriage was to sign off on it”. 

Jungkook lived through his memories once again as Y/N smoothed down her dress, “If you would like to get to know the kids, I will not stop you. In fact, I had reached out to your company regarding the kids when they were born. But, I never heard back from them since. I even personally tried contacting you and your members, but none of you ever responded. Regardless, bygones will be bygones. The past is in the past. Cha-ya, Saiyan, and Arang have been brought up to be kind, forgiving individuals. They are not ruthless like their dad. Though they are angry, rightfully so as of now, they will come around and try to get to know you eventually.”

“Now, I will leave the room and allow you to talk to Cha-ya and Saiyan if that is what you wish to do. Arang will be arriving in five minutes”. 

As she got up to leave the room, she felt a firm vascular hand wrap around her wrist. She looked back to see Jungkook on his knees, head down, whimpering “I don’t wish to just know my kids. I wish to know the wife I never had”. 

Y/N reached to remove his hand off her wrist, “You must not understand what the true definition of the words ‘too little, too late’ mean”. 

TAGLIST:

@sporadicarcadebanana , @darkuni63, @jessicalynn85

[sillybucket]

“I need you to be safe” { Krobus x g/n reader }

Krobus is a sweetheart , he’s actually my favorite Stardew Valley character , so I thought it would’ve been fun to write a little something for the best shadow boy :D

As always I apologize for possible ooc moments in the story , and if someone has already written something similar to this know it’s not my intention to copy anyone !

🍃 Warnings 🍃 : none , this is just pure fluff featuring the Farmer returning home badly hurt after an unlucky day at the Skull Caverns and Krobus getting very worried :,l

I headcanon that he is capable of using healing magic , maybe not as well as the Shadow Shamans of the mines but he can still make minor wounds get better :D

Oh by the way this can be read both as romantic or platonic , whichever you prefer !

🌾 . 🌾 . 🌾 . 🌾 . 🌾 . 🌾 . 🌾 . 🌾 . 🌾 . 🌾 . 🌾 .

It was another day at the farm , and as he listened to the sound of the raindrops falling on the roof Krobus let out a sigh of contentment …

he loved staying inside his new beautiful , cozy house , but being able to go outside without fear of the sunlight always felt very refreshing :

he had always loved peaceful rainy days like that one …

Soon the Farmer opened the door and walked out , smiling at him brightly while holding their golden pickaxe in one hand .

“Morning Kroby ! I think I’ll head down to Calico Desert today , I’m going to try and reach the 100th level , I’m very prepared this time !”

, they said , the autumn breeze flowing through their hair as they approached him , giving him a hug like they did everyday .

Krobus hugged them back , almost impressed by how the Farmer never seemed to forget about that little daily gesture …

It must’ve meant a lot to them .

That thought made him feel warm , despite the coldness of his shadowy body .

“Alright (y/n) … just , please be careful out there : I know you can defend yourself but those caverns are a very dangerous place , I can’t help but worry whenever you go there …”

They nodded in response , giving him a gentle pat on the head .

“I’ll be careful , I promise … I’ll be back as soon as possible , so don’t worry about me too much while I’m gone , okay ?”

Krobus watched (y/n) walk and disappear into the distance , smiling softly to himself while sitting down on the porch , staring at the gray sky up above …

Ever since he had decided to leave his people he had been searching for a new place to call home , a place where he could truly belong , and while he had found that momentarily in that hidden spot in the town’s Sewers he couldn’t help but feel very alone back then …

The shadow knew that going back wasn’t an option , so over time he had become resigned to spend the rest of his life there : an eternity in a humid , lonely darkness where no one else was going to remember him …

… that was until a somewhat unusual human called (y/n) unexpectedly walked into his life , showing him kindness without asking for anything in return and offering him the chance to get all he had ever dreamed of .

After lingering a little more in those distant memories Krobus got up and went back inside to get started with his daily cleaning activities to keep their home tidy , and eventually the hours went by …

When it started to get dark , the shadow couldn’t help but start getting a little tensed , pacing back and forth in front of the door with his little steps on the wooden floor being the only sound in the quietness of the house …

When it finally opened and the Farmer’s familiar silhouette appeared at the entrance , Krobus immediately rushed to greet them , feeling very relieved to see they were back .

… but his smile turned into a very concerned expression as soon as he took a better look : there were several scratches on their face that were still slightly bleeding , a large cut on their leg and the look of their damaged outfit made it even more clear that they had been through a terrible struggle … plus since it was still raining they were drenched and visibly shivering for the cold .

(Y/n) stepped forward , struggling to keep their balance , and they gave him a tired smile …

“I’m back … sorry I couldn’t be here sooner , but as you can see there have been some … heh , problems .”

, they said , letting out a weak chuckle .

They hissed as the painful cut on their leg made them fall to their knees , and Krobus helped (y/n) to stand up and walked them to the bedroom , careful to avoid hurting them in the process .

“… I’m sorry Kroby … I hate to make you worry about me like this , but there were so many Serpents in every single floor and I just couldn’t …”

“It’s okay (y/n) , what matters is that you’re still alive … please lie down while I go get your human medications .”

The Farmer nodded , gladly getting comfortable on their soft bed while watching the shadow quickly walk away and come back with a few bandages and bandaids .

Krobus proceeded to place his hand on the wounds , making them disappear almost completely before covering them up , and he repeated the process until (y/n) took a look at their leg :

the cut was pretty much gone , and they felt much better than before …

“There , that should do it … sorry , I couldn’t heal you as well as a Shadow Shaman … I admit I’m a bit rusty , I haven’t used this magic in a very long time .”

The shadow let out a sigh : he looked a bit tired , like his energy had been drained … but he still smiled at them , putting his head on their shoulder while listening to the sound of the rain that was still consistently falling outside .

“Look , I … I know you have a lot on your mind (y/n) , taking care of the Farm is a lot of work , you really give it your all every day and I really admire you for that .”

Krobus took a deep breath , feeling (y/n)’s gaze on him as they waited for him to continue .

“ … but you should also think about yourself . Humans are strong , but your bodies are fragile , and if one day you didn’t manage to come back home I really don’t know what I would do .”

His shiny white eyes focused on them , caressing the head of the Farm’s Pet that had just jumped on the bed .

“You’ve done so much for me : I would never have found a place to really call home if I hadn’t met you … you taught me so much about your species , showed me unconditional kindness despite the fact that I can’t even help you when you work … You really mean a lot to me , so please , don’t push yourself too hard , I need you to be safe .”

A sniffle interrupted the moment of silence that followed his speech , and (y/n) wiped their eyes .

“O-oh - oh no I didn’t mean to - please don’t cry !”

, Krobus worriedly exclaimed , but the Farmer chuckled in response while wiping away a single tear falling down their cheek .

“It’s okay Kroby , I just … that was so sweet … I promise I’ll pay more attention to myself while I’m out from now on .”

(Y/n) took a deep breath , gently holding Krobus in their arms and letting their pet join in the hug as well .

“Thanks for all the things you said … you mean a lot to me too .”

A little blush appeared on the shadow’s cheeks , and has he hugged them back he felt at home more than ever before .

🌾 . 🌾 . 🌾 . 🌾 . 🌾 . 🌾 . 🌾 . 🌾 . 🌾 . 🌾 . 🌾 .

Thank you so much for reading this little fanfic until the end ! :D

I personally haven’t seen a lot of x reader content for Krobus , this was a lot of fun to write :) ❤️

Feel free to leave some feedback if you want !

[i-can-read-to-him]

The Wesper Fic Club's Author Spotlight is a post series that aims to feature two to three fic authors a month, randomly selected from a pool of names put forth on our server. The authors are then asked to answer three interview questions, select up to five of their fics for us to feature, and finally, recommend three fics by others in the fandom.

(Note: Our spotlighted fics are not limited to Wesper, though they tend to be a central pairing in most of our authors' featured works.)

This week, we are putting a spotlight on Lou's writing!

Socials: @waterloou (Tumblr) | hugharekillianmelou (AO3)

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Part One: Author Interview

Q: What do you consider your strengths as a writer?

A: I’m using these quotes from sparrow bc I’m gonna be honest and say I really don’t know how to perceive myself: “Off the top of my head, I would say you are very good at lyrical prose, imagery and atmosphere, thoughtful characterization, anddd I don’t know how to articulate this as cleanly, but like… the way you handle dark subject matter (like MCD) in a way that makes it feel... like something that should be dangerous to handle, but it is safely contained. Like one of those poisonous Victorian era books with the striking green colour [Scheele's Green] displayed in a glass case. Also, you maintain canon characterization even in AU settings, which is honestly a skill not everyone has. I love AUs, but some people lose sight of canon so quick and it ends up feeling very OOC.”

Q: What’s your favourite fic you’ve written for this fandom?

A: It’s called Lay Me Gently in the Cold Dark Earth and it’s from Wylan’s perspective when he’s 6 feet under and how he interacts with the earth around him and Jesper. Idk how else to describe it. 

Q: What advice do you have for those facing writer’s block?

A: My only suggestion is just to switch to notebooks and use prompt lists. I struggle with writers block far too much it’s hard for me to sit down and write something most of the time. 

Q: When did you first start writing? What keeps you going today?

A: Jonas Brothers YouTube imagines. I had a little flip notebook on a family vacation and lots of time to kill so I wrote my own imagines/fanfiction. It was also like not a self insert but like I’d insert someone age appropriate and live vicariously through them.  I have so so many ideas and only I can execute them correctly so obviously I need to keep writing. It’s a tough job but if I want the content I need to make it 

Q: Who is your favourite character? What do you love about them?

A: JESPER LLEWELLYN FAHEY!!!! He’s just so complex and loving and I also relate to him most bc of his sadness and feelings of inadequacy and using humor as a cover up. I saw the trailers before I read the books and then I read the books before I watched the show but that one clip of Jesper in those first trailers had me hooked ever since.

Q: If you could travel anywhere in the Grishaverse, where would you go?

A: Shu Han because it looks like I’d have the most fun there. 

Q: If you could be friends with any character in the Grishaverse, who would it be?

A: Tolya!!! He’s got a lovely disposition and it’s nice to have someone with similar interests.

Q: Have you had a chance to interact with the SAB cast? Tell us about your experience(s).

A: The only interaction I’ve had is Jack liking my drawing of him. Honestly tho even tho this cast is amazing I think I’d be fine never meeting any of them. There’s already all my questions answered and I’d probably make a fool out of myself if I met them. 

Q: What are some recurring themes you’ve noticed in your writing?

A: I am using more sparrow quotes bc my only answer was “Hozier coded” and idk if that answer was enough: “I think grief/death/mourning is definitely something that comes up a lot. Related to that... I want to say 'transcendent love,' if that makes sense. Definitely also strong platonic bonds, so friendship... Oh, balance and opposites (how the latter interacts and achieves balance)... sometimes with concepts like life and death, but also with people like Wylan and Jesper.” Ty sparrow ur iconic 

Q: What kind of music do you like to listen to while writing?

A: Hozier, lots of like folk or floaty type of genres. 

Q: Are there any songs you strongly associate with a favourite character or ship?

A: "half return" by Adrianne Lenker could be associated with either Wylan or Jesper and their childhoods. I do think it’s odd that this is the first fandom where music is not the driving force of my writing or associating with characters.

Q: What is one of your favourite scenes from the source material (book or show)?

A: Jesper’s introduction in the show is a classic and he’s just SO COOL.

Q: If could change anything about (book or show) canon, what would it be?

A: 😭 besides it being cancelled? Matthias’ fate. 

Q: What are some headcanons you have that you consider your personal canon?

A: MODERN AU: Jesper is an engineering major. Wylan is a chemistry major (hates it), switches to biology and music double major. Jesper makes and sells jewelry on the side.  REGULAR SETTING: Jesper lives for a long long time and Wylan reincarnates many times and they are together until they both pass. 

Q: Tell us about something in your fics that you’re proud of and wish would get more notice.

A: I do like the poetic flow they have from time to time! It’s nice reading something I wrote and being invested. This is a cop out answer but I think they’ve been appreciated an adequate amount! Everyone is so sweet reading and commenting!

Q: What’s something you haven’t written yet, but want to write in the future?

A: OH BOY I have a list: - This is written but mouse wylan  - sci fi au  - Hozier song wesper series  - human meat business crows serial killers  - Hellraiser au wesper  - whump wesper jesper shot  - Halloween series  - vampire crows au 

Q: What’s something you wish you could write, but don’t think you ever will?

A: Most of the ideas listed above. My brain just doesn’t want to write the ideas. Also Smut. Did it once idk if I could write it again

Q: How do you feel about your fics being translated into other languages?

A: Go ham. As long as it’s credited to me idc

Q: Apart from sight, what is your favourite of the senses to describe when writing?

A: Touch I love touch descriptions because you can get an insight into how the characters experience the world.

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Part Two: Selected Works

Two corpses we were, two corpses I saw

Not Rated | 275 words | Wesper Hozier coded, Decay, Burial, Happy Ending

Short diddy about knight/pianist wesper

Golden slumbers

Teen | 460 words | Wesper Grief/Mourning, Pre-Grief, Aging, Jesper-centric

Jesper would always be a mourner

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

Not Rated | 388 words | Wesper Hozier coded, POV Wylan, Character Death, Happy Ending

Wylan needs Jesper, even after life

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Part Three: Author's Recs

without pity by demigodbeautiies

Mature | 21.9K | Wesper Non-Con Drug Use, Whump, Mild Gore, Angst with a Happy Ending

It’s 10 am on a Wednesday when Wylan Van Eck’s life crumbles around him. Which feels ridiculous, honestly, but that’s life, isn’t it?  - Jesper gets drugged with jurda parem. Wylan tries his best to deal with it. That, apparently, is hard to do when his life is falling apart.

A Lack Of Air Supply by Milkfrog

Mature | 106.7K | Wesper Past Child Abuse, Agoraphobia, Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Wylan Van Eck

"Wylan Van Eck, until the age of 8, felt like royalty. Like the world was made for him, and him alone. He could do anything he wanted to. He could dream of a future so expansive he'd have to live multiple lives in order to fit everything he wanted to do. But Wylan Van Eck, at 22 years old, cannot even leave his apartment." (aka. Wylan has agoraphobia n Jesper moves into the apartment next to him <3)

only love can hurt like this by leehab23

Explicit | 82.2K | Wesper, Kanej Jesper-centric, Second Chance Romance, Pining, Angst, Happy Ending

“I need a drink,” Kaz said. With that, Jesper could agree. “Lead the way.” Kaz took one step and froze, swearing under his breath. Jesper followed his eyeline, his blood turning to ice when he saw what—or rather who—Kaz had noticed across the room. OR: After running away three years ago to Novyi Zem, Jesper finds himself back in Ketterdam. He agrees to pose as Kaz’s date for a job and has an unfortunate run-in with a certain red-headed ex.

Before Sunrise by @aphroditestummyrolls

General | 2.1K | Colm & Jesper, Colm/Aditi Good Parent Colm Fahey, Colm-centric, Baby Jesper

He’d like to say he expected it— it’s a well known fact that babies cry. The first months of parenthood are a tiring business. That was what everyone said, and the ones who didn’t say it were certainly thinking it. But, not all babies cried like Jesper Fahey cried. Just like every night for the past 2 and a half months, the second Addy stopped her gentle rocking and pacing, it started up again— first, as disgruntled fussing, huffing and puffing like a grumpy little bear cub. His downy fluff of curls pressed against his mama’s palm as he scrubbed his nose into her collarbone, tiny fist clenching in her night dress. Colm sighed. OR Jesper is a colicky little baby, and Colm just wants his poor wife to be able to sleep.

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Please support our authors by commenting and leaving kudos on any stories of theirs you read and enjoy! Don't forget to also reblog this post and check back soon for our next author spotlight to come.

Interested in joining our server and getting to know our community? Feel free to request an invite via the @i-can-read-to-him ask box.

[faun-the-fawn77]

"ᵀᴴᴱ ᴺᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᵂᴱ ᴹᴱᵀ"

Rengoku Kyojuro x F!Hashira!Reader

Genre: literally just angst.

Word Count: 718

Warnings: Major Character Death, grief, depression, 1(one) mention of a miscarriage, talks of future death, please do not read if you're in a fragile state of mind. I am not responsible for the media you consume. read at your own risk.

Desc: The 7 stages of grief. It seems like I'm stuck on stage 4 and yet...I'm not.

Note: The way people process death varies from person to person. I know not many people have experienced that. I mean, you wouldn't want to. I, myself, have never truly processed that my grandpa is gone. I went from going to bed one night to being woken up by mom crying and telling my brother and I to give our grandpa love. Next thing I know is we have him being loaded into the back of a hearse and seeing him in a casket. We moved a year later and I guess since I was going into the 8th grade in a new state, I didn't have time to think and process. I was stuck in stage 4 for years. I've come to learn that, while I do miss him, I'm glad that he still managed to teach me something. That death could happen at any time and to anyone. It does not matter how strong they are or if they are young or old. Death takes when it is their time. I hope to the people who are or have gone through something similar: you are not alone. Yes, it's scary but it does get better. They are watching you and guiding you. You may not see them but that doesn't mean they aren't there.

It's like seeing everything from someone else's eyes. Your thoughts don't feel like your own. Your body is on autopilot.

Grief. People say that there are seven stages that your brain goes through. The first is denial. When I had received the news of my husband's death, I couldn't, no, wouldn't, believe it. There was just no way that the kindest and strongest human I knew, was dead. Then that boy, Tanjiro, came. He told us Kyojuro's last words.

Next was anger. The anger I felt towards the demon who took the life from my husband was easily seen on my face. I wanted so badly to just search search for this thing. Senjuro was quick to talk me out of it but that does not mean the feeling went away. I also hate to admit that I felt anger towards Kyojuro. How could he just leave us like this? Leave me and Senjuro alone. Our baby...

Bargaining. If I wasn't pregnant, I could have gone on the mission. I could have saved him. If I told him about the baby then maybe he wouldn't have left. He would've stayed and Kagaya could've sent another hashira instead. Maybe...

Depression likes to creep up on its victims. It slowly wraps itself around your brain and then constricts. When Senjuro pointed out how I didn't act like myself anymore, I knew then that depression had sunk its claws into me. My body moved on autopilot. Wake up, eat, sit at Kyojuro's grave, sleep, repeat. Senjuro made sure I took care of myself. Made sure I went to Shinobu's for baby check-ups. She told me how surprised she was that I haven't lost the baby from all the stress I'm under. She proceeded to tell me that it's probably because their father is Kyojuro so they're a fighter.

Shinjuro stopped drinking. He hasn't had a drop since the news. He helps Senjuro around the house and forces me to eat. He's worried about me. Senjuro as well.

I've been told that I talk in my sleep now. That I always cry. I've woken up to the two standing over me with concern and worry written on their faces.

Acceptance. I don't think I will ever accept his death. Accept that he is gone. He will never know about his child. That he was going to be a father. I remember how he used to tell me about what he wanted in his future. No demons, a nice house in the country, and kids. Of course, his vision was us with 10 kids but I talked him into having at least 4. He wanted all girls and I wanted equal number boys and girls.

I don't plan to court another. I don't plan to remarry. I don't think I could ever love another. Not as much as I love Kyojuro. While my friends want me to move on, to find someone who will help take care of my child, I just can't. Kyojuro will always be my child's father. I'll paint pictures so they know what he looked like. Tell them stories about the battles he fought in. I want them to know that their father loves them and is always watching over them.

The story of how Kyojuro and I met will be a story they will come to cherish. Maybe...this is hope?

Processing grief is the last step. I feel like I am stuck on step four. Shinobu says that while depression may be constant in my mind, I have processed my grief. It may have been processed differently, I have come to accept that Kyojuro is gone.

"I love you, Kyojuro. While you may not be here physically, I know that you are up there. You are waiting to see your child be brought into this world and live knowing that you love them and that you will guide them. When they are born, I will be called back onto missions. The fight with Muzan is closer than we think... and I hope to live to see our child grow but... I know that might not happen and you and I will be reunited sooner than we'd like."

I got up slowly, hand on my belly, and left a single flower upon the stone.

A blue spider lily.

Kyojuro would definitely have more than 10 kids if he could. He wants his own personal army so he can antagonize Sanemi. He'll spread them out evenly amongst the hashira when they need babysitters. a majority go to Uzui and his wives mainly because the wives adore the kids and they band together to pull pranks on Uzui. Mitsuri makes a comment about finding a husband and having kids which about kills Obanai. Shinobu is worried about you but you wave her off saying it makes him happy and you'd do whatever you could to make Kyojuro happy considering he almost died during his last mission(mugen train). Muichiro is definitely intrigued with the set of twins you had at one point. Giyuu actually cracks a smile when he sees 5 tiny Rengoku's climbing on Sanemi like he's a tree.

[a-multi-fandom-maniac]

Fearful Confession

(gif credit: bisexualrights)

Synopsis: You have been through it all with the Mandalorian and his son, forming an unbreakable bond and friendship. But your relationship changes after a close call with a bounty.

Warnings: Typical Star Wars violence/injuries, minor angst with comfort, arguing, fluff, no use of y/n, first person pov

Author note: PRAYING this isn’t too similar to anything else someone’s written before, this came from a dream i had LMAO😫. enjoy <3

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The Razor Crest was silent, which was unusual.

Typically, there was plenty of noise echoing throughout the old ship. The babbling of the kid while he played with his metal ball, my laughter while watching him mess with trinkets, and an occasional quiet huff of laughter from my armor-wearing companion. It was peaceful, and it was home; Our home.

But right now, it’s tense.

I sat in the co-pilot seat, looking down at the worn floor of the cockpit while only being able to hear the tiny sounds of space surrounding us and the heavy beating of my heart. From the corner of my eye I glanced at Mando trying to gage what he was feeling, but to no avail. Even though I’ve grown to know him for a while, it was still hard to read him. Especially now.

I shift my gaze out the window, debating whether or not I should say something. I slowly reach my hand up to the bandage on my cheek, wincing a little at the contact. The pit in my stomach only worsened at the thought about what happened to cause the small injury, as well as the tense atmosphere that was suffocating me.

Realistically, I shouldn’t have jumped into the fight between a bounty and Din. He had it under control, as he mentioned the whole way back to the ship, and I was supposed to be watching the kid (He was safe in his pram with the cover over him). What made me jump in was seeing the bounty pull a knife when Mando wasn’t looking. So I intercepted the blow…which in return gave me a fun little knick on my cheek. Mando was able to knock him out and bring him to the ship, but after a huge lecture that consisted of yelling and arguing he began to ignore me. He put Grogu to sleep and made a beeline towards the cockpit.

So now we’re here.

I studied Mando as he punched in coordinates and flipped switched, the Razor Crest taking off. The tension was heavy, it felt like he could hear my thoughts. He was really making it difficult for me to speak up to finally break the silence.

“I’ve just put us into hyperspace. You should go rest, it’ll take us a while until we land on Nevarro,” Mando curtly said while he began lifting himself from his chair. He moved fast towards the ladder, making it hard for me to create any sort of response. I finally swiveled in my chair to face him to try to clear the air.

“Mando-“

“Don’t.”

And with that the door slid shut behind him.

I sat there, stunned and dumbfounded at his response. What the hell was that?

My brows furrowed as I nearly jumped out of the co pilot chair and went after him. I climbed down the latter and saw Mando cleaning his blaster. I slowly approached where he was sitting.

“Mando can we please-“

“No.”

“Would you stop interrupting me and just let me talk to you?”

Mando paused what he was doing, lifting his head so his visor finally faced me. I felt myself wanting to shrink at the sudden attention.

“Go ahead,” his tone was serious while making me question whether or not I really wanted to talk anymore. I took a deep breath before speaking.

“I know what I did was stupid,” I started while my hands began to shake a little, “and I should have known you would handle it-“

As I was speaking Mando placed his blaster on the small table next to him and began to stand up and walk around. I paused my apology, giving him a weird look.

“Are you even listening to me right now?” I questioned, frustration creeping up on me. When I didn’t get a response I began to follow him.

“Mando I’m trying to apologize and acknowledge my screw up, why can’t you just accept it?” I asked while he turned his back to me. I saw him shaking his head as he sighed, but no answer came from him. My small frustration was slowly growing into something more for each minute he ignored me.

I scrunched my nose as I tried to get his attention again.

“Hello? Am I talking to myself?” Another sigh. Without turning to face me he finally spoke.

“I don’t think you understand how stupid what you did was.”

At his words it felt like my heart sunk while my stomach began to eat itself alive. It felt like talking to a wall. My frustration came back as I took another step towards his back, waiting for him to finally acknowledge my presence.

“Don’t you think I know that? I panicked, Mando. I got ahead of myself and jumped the gun, you can’t say that has never happened to you-“

He spun around as he pointed a finger at me, “This isn’t about me!” His body was visibly tense as he spoke. “This is about you and how you can’t seem to handle intense situations like the one we faced today.”

I stared into his dark visor. There was a beat of silence, just as I took a breath before speaking he beat me to it.

“You need to stop getting a head of yourself and let me do my job.” Mando tried to end the conversation at that and began to walk away.

As if it was possible, my stomach began to hurt more while my heart felt like it was going to implode. I had to be dreaming. What was going on with him? I stood there for a second before time began catching up to me as I was quick to follow once more.

“Let you do your job? Are you even hearing yourself right now? I’ve apologized well over a million times and acknowledged my mistakes, what else will it take for you to forgive me?” I nearly begged him while seeking an answer. I wouldn’t stop until he spoke to me.

“Din, please-!”

“I shouldn’t have let any of this happen!” He finally snapped as he faced his body towards me, both of us breathing heavily. Letting his words sink in, I gave him a confused look before he continued.

“I shouldn’t have let the bounty get that close to where you and Grogu were with the ship. I was cocky and thought everything was fine until he tried to pull one over on me,” he explained, almost exasperated.

“Din,” I softly called his name, “what do you-“

“Because of my choices, you had to jump in because I was too focused to see the knife he pulled, and you got hurt because of it. I got you hurt,” Din’s voice began shaking subtly, but it was enough for me to catch it. I slowly began making my way towards him until I was almost touching his chest piece. I gently grabbed his gloved hand and placed it on my bandaged cheek as Din stilled at the action.

“I’m okay,” I softly assured him. His hand cupped my face as his thumb rubbed the bandage. He shook his head.

“But it could have been worse,” he was quick to deny, “I should have just used my comm and asked for help. I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself if anything happened to you or the kid.”

Din placed his other hand on my face, holding my head in his hands as his visor didn’t leave my eyes.

“I wouldn’t be able to live without you, cyar’ika.”

My breath hitched at his words as my eyes widened. I brought my hands up to his helmet and gently pulled him towards me as I made our foreheads rest against each other.

“I swear to you,” I whispered while closing my eyes, “that no matter what I will always be here. You can’t keep convincing yourself that if anything happens that it’s automatically your fault, it’s not good for you Din.” I moved my thumb back and forth on the cool beskar where his cheek would be.

“I wouldn’t be able to live without you, either,” I said sincerely. His helmet lifted from my head to look at me. I gave a small smile at him before continuing, “which is why I need you to rely on me when you need help. We’re a team, we have to work together okay?”

He took in a shaky breath before slowly letting it out.

“Okay. Just please try not to put yourself in danger if you don’t need to,” he nearly begged while holding me tighter. I laughed at his words while looking at him, adoringly.

“I promise.”

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