#then again it also depends on what qualifies as abuse to you like if you think that their behavior's abusive you're obviously allowed to | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

many-but-one · 5 months

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Hi,

Quick question* regarding polyfragmentation. What do you consider polyfrag? I know that 100+ alter count isn't what makes a system polyfragmented, but as a system with a load of fragments, do these fragments "count" when doing an alter count? We seem to have only around 10ish "main guys", (alters "distinct enough" (not sure on the vocab) to give me a name) but some pretty complex splitting patterns, i think, (a pair of twins, "just some guy tm" repeated, at least 2 "subsystems" (can you have a subsystem with only fragments? I think that's the situation, but I'm not sure) ) and as mentioned before a bunch of fragments (80+ according to a gatekeeper, separated into what I think are subsystems based on trauma "type"). One of those "subsystems" seem to work like a "build-a-bear/potato-head", where a bunch of different frags come together depending on the situation and then split back up again, which seems to be a polyfrag thing, from what I've read? But we usually feel a little stupid when we say "Oh we're polyfrag..ish...???", and then there's the, "well then, how many alters do you have?" "...10.."

Could you write a bit about polyfragmentation, and what the continuum between DID and Pf-DID/C-DID kinda looks like?

Thank you!

*that was not a "quick" question, sorry bout that, and the excessive parenthesis usage.

So, what I understand about polyfragmentation is that it's less about the alter count (100+ alters is just more common) and more about the structure of the system and how the system formed over time. You don't need to go through RAMCOA to be a polyfrag system, either. Here's what I've gathered is "required" for a polyfrag system:

large alter count (yes, fragments count into the alter count, but some systems choose not to consider them since they aren't "whole" however, they are still alters in their own right despite the fragmentation). However, what a system defines as a high alter count to "qualify" for polyfragmentation varies. I've met systems who would "count" as polyfrag who only have about 60 parts and fragments, but they meet a lot of the criteria for polyfrag so they use the label. I've also met polyfrag systems who are so fragmented they cannot even come up with a proper number to describe how fragmented they are, well into the thousands. Those higher number polyfrag systems (like us) also often have frequent fusions and splits that make it difficult to keep an accurate headcount, and most of our fragments have no name or appearance that can be understood. They still count into the headcount, but keeping track of them is nigh impossible. Which is why we just toss out "over 1k+" because that's about as good as it's gonna get for us. We likely have much more than even that but we have no true way of keeping an accurate count and our primary gatekeeper doesn't want us to anyway.

abuse typically starts before the age of five and is integrated into your daily life. More often, the earlier the abuse started and the more integrated into daily life it is, the more your brain has to rely on dissociation as a coping skill and the more often your brain will split alters for any type of situation or stressor. This is most obvious if the trauma began in your pre-verbal years, as you wouldn't have the words to describe what was happening to you or the understanding of what was happening to you, so your brain's FIRST line of defense is dissociation rather than trying to wrap your head around it or speak about it in some way. "Integrated into daily life" means trauma is happening every day or extremely often, and often in multiple aspects of your life. Such as being bullied at school, being abused at home, and having poor interpersonal relationships with people outside of both home and school. This leaves nowhere safe for the child to turn to but their own mind. So a child doesn't need to be tortured endlessly day in and day out to become polyfrag, it's just a more common way for polyfragmentation to occur due to the severity of the abuse and the manipulation that often comes with child torture.

presence of subsystems. Not all systems with subsystems are C-DID, but if they exhibit multiple other signs of polyfragmentation and also have subsystems, then it's likely they are polyfrag. Subsystems are much more commonly seen in C-DID systems. And yes, a subsystem can be primarily fragments and often are. Systems with alter counts that are quite high (60+) will not usually have 60+ alters that are whole and fully formed. More likely they'll have something like what you've got going on, 10-15 "fuller" parts and a whole slew of fragments. In our system (an HC-DID system) we actually don't have that many "full" parts, and all parts except for perhaps two or three who appear to be "full" are actually subsystems (alter in alter types), essentially a part full of fragments to create the illusion of a more full and well-rounded alter. Kind of like a bunch of little guys under a trenchcoat to create the illusion of one guy. I'm pretty sure Aridam (our highest level, primary gatekeeper), Dorian (our former host who is an ANP who holds no trauma), and maybe one of our early life caretakers are the only three that aren't alter-in-alter subsystems who seem to have a "fuller" or more well-rounded personality. Though I may eat my words later.

presence of ANEPs. These are "Apparently Normal Emotional Parts" and these are parts who are traumatized like an EP would be but are also functional in everyday life. Almost all of our host team alters are ANEPs, and from what I've gathered, they're very often "alter in alter" subsystems in both our system and other systems we've encountered. Because they are traumatized but often emotionally detached from the trauma, or have the ability to just not think about it too hard in order to function in everyday life. However, the emotions tied to the trauma have to go *somewhere* and that's usually either held in another alter in the system or held within a fragment in their alter-in-alter subsystem.

complex splitting patterns. The user @multiple-myselves made a post a while back talking about how they and other polyfrag folks have labeled different splitting patterns. They also talk a lot about things that are often seen in polyfragmentation, so if you're needing more answers, I suggest heading over there. They have a lot of good information about the subject. To quote the part of the post that talks about complex splitting patterns (which we only have a screenshot of, unfortunately, as searching tags on tumblr is a pain and a half), some examples of splitting patterns include: "fractal splitting, (parts that split in two and those parts split into two and so on or in a similar pattern), iterative splits (part splits into a fragment that develops into a fuller part and then splits again), splitting multiple parts at once, etc." For us, splitting patterns also include: splitting multiple versions of the same guy (almost like having a "base" that a split starts from. We have so many guys with white hair and blue eyes it's ridiculous, and that's because the "white haired blue eyed boy" is a template that our brain keeps handy. Same with the "black haired blue eyed boy"), splitting a new fragment for a very particular purpose and when that purpose is over, that fragment re-fuses into the part it split from (depending on how long that purpose lasted, this part could have elaborated a bit, which will then make the fused part at the end fundamentally different than when before the split occurred), and for our system some parts are programmed to split a certain number of parts every single time they split, usually a number that's significant to that part's trauma so I won't share the number for our safety.

As for your last question, I'm going to be honest, I only know the experiences of a polyfrag system since I am a polyfrag system. However, from what I can gather, DID systems are not without fragments, but usually the number of fragments won't exceed the number of "fuller" parts, or won't reach an extremely high number. Polyfragmented systems also seem to have an easier time with co-consciousness or having more than just two parts fronting (oftentimes, we can have up to three to five parts fronting or in co-con with a primary fronter at the same time, but that's also because most of those extra folks are fragments. Our communication has gotten to such a point that we can kind of "build a fronter" for a given situation that is needed based on what fragments are able to handle that situation the best. i.e. Marrow is very chill and emotionally level, Gmork is very not chill or emotionally level but very motivated and has high energy levels, and Dire is very well-organized, so having the three of them as a fronting team to get daily life tasks completed like applying for jobs or cleaning an area or feeding the body is a very good fronting "team." In that same vein, Vivek and Vasile are a great fronting team when social situations arise because Vivek is highly social and good at making friends, but he tends to overspend on the body's energy levels, so having Vasile in co-front keeps Vivek's energy in check and also keeps us from being too impulsive. Vivek is very impulsive and while Vasile can be, he's much less so. Dire often helps in these situations as well.)

I hope that this helped to answer your question.

#did osdd #did alters #dissociative identity disorder #manybutone #did system #cdid #polyfrag #polyfragmentation #asks #answered asks #anon ask #anon #advice

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crippleprophet · 1 year

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I'm really sorry if this is the wrong place to send this but you're the only person i know who still takes covid seriously. I live with someone who won't get vaccinated or mask as well as several other people who won't take covid precautions for the most part. I've been masking at home around them to be safe, but now my parents (who i have to live with still) have decided that I'm not allowed to wear a mask at home anymore. I don't know how to keep myself and others safe like this, especially since I live in a place where no one else in public will mask either. Legally I can't move out yet (I would love to) but yeah sorry if this is inappropriate I just don't know who to ask or what to do

no need to apologize at all <333 i am so fucking heartbroken that i’m the only connection you have to someone still taking covid seriously, but i’m also incredibly grateful & honored that i can be that for you.

we definitely aren’t the only ones, no matter how much it feels like it - the discord i started recently has 41 members and growing, and that’s just folks who’ve seen my tumblr post. you’re absolutely welcome to join if that’s safe for you, but if your circumstances don’t allow it, please know that there are other people in very similar circumstances to yours, who’ve been masking in their homes and whose right to manage their own risk is being denied.

https://discord.gg/5f5ahBjVax

i don’t want to tell you how to conceptualize your own experiences and relationship with your parents (lord knows i couldn’t apply certain language to my own until i was ready for it, and i believe it’s so crucial to respect your autonomy here when it’s being denied elsewhere) but please know if no one else has told you that that form of control absolutely qualifies as abusive, and it is not, under any circumstances whatsoever, your fault that you are being denied the ability to protect yourself and others.

i’m reminded of a quote about how systems of power, in this case referring to how affordable products are dependent on exploited labor, intentionally force people to break our own moral codes in an effort to break our spirits. again, this is not your fault, and the most important thing to remember right now is that keeping yourself safe includes (unfortunately, ironically, heartbreakingly) keeping yourself safe from & with your parents, which right now may mean not wearing a mask. any infection that may happen as a result is their fault, not yours. it is the fault of every layer of the ableist system that has stoked their resentment of others, not yours.

i usually don’t talk about this, but i left my parents’ house (“ran away from home” rubs me the wrong way but would not be inaccurate) in 2017, a little less than 3 months after turning 18, so i have counted down the days until i was legally my own person, and throughout the duration of the pandemic i’ve thought a lot about the nightmare that would be still living in that house. i can’t fully imagine or understand the grief and fear you’re experiencing, but my heart goes out to you & all others in your situation.

what’s been most instrumental to me in maintaining my personhood in situations where i’ve been denied autonomy has been reading sociological studies, because it helps me understand my circumstances as an outcome of oppression and not a personal failing, and by virtue of others writing about it reminds me i’m not alone. if you’re interested in that sort of thing, i recommend literature my scholars & activists on children’s rights and liberation. the UN is definitely deeply flawed, but i’d point you to the Convention on the Rights of the Child as a starting point because of (at least for me) the impact of so many governments agreeing that this is what should be happening, even if it’s also a massive grief when it isn’t.

my advice when it comes to covid would be to do what you can when you can, especially because it would likely give you some feeling of autonomy, which is so crucial under these kinds of circumstances. simultaneously, you are under no moral obligation to risk your safety with your parents—if their response to finding out you’re masking when you’re out of the house would endanger your physical or mental health, for example, please do not feel pressured to do it. all of my posts about masking, and anyone else’s if they aren’t a piece of shit, are directed at people whose behavior is not being controlled by others upon whom they depend.

to put it super bluntly, you can’t keep anyone else safe in the future if you’re dead. in order to protect others later, you need to protect yourself now, whatever that may look like based on your decisions. you, and others who aren’t being allowed to mask, are among the people everyone else should be masking to protect, and i’m more sorry than i can ever put into words that our society has failed you.

i’m gonna ask a few folks in similar circumstances if they have any advice, and anybody reading feel free to add on, but remember that you’re the authority on your circumstances and you don’t have to make any decisions or follow any advice you think would put you at risk.

so much love to you, and my asks & dms are & will remain open if there’s anything at all i can do.

#asks #coronavirus #covid 19

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anerdyfeminist · 10 months

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Sigh. My coworkers and I had almost entirely ended ALL unpaid internships at the nonprofit org I work for over the past few years due to believing in such radical things as Basic Human Decency. From past agency generations, we had inherited a structure of deep dependency on unpaid internships with UT in our backyard (and how the whole fucking sector was prior to the late 2010s and how it still is in many many orgs and how social work is under valued, generally.)

We successfully found ways to shift to student worker paid positions. It has been awesome. But those positions are very very limited in number. So every year when they’re full and students still want internships (usually for credit they need and they come to us too late or off cycle) we sadly have to turn them away or see if a different more limited volunteer role will meet their credit needs and not need heavy oversight.

Well anyway right now we’re in a significant funding crisis not really of our making* (literally THANKS BILLIONARES for creating a made up “impending recession” that’s dried up all of our usual corporate sponsorship funds we raise this time of year) and it’s like baaaaad out there. So we have to cut stuff to ensure stability again. But my coworkers need help and we can’t hire. They see us turning away these very qualified students each semester so we decided to post a very few unpaid internship roles we just desperately need help with at this precarious time.

And of course, a couple of (probably who are our most values aligned) supporters are like “hey what the hell? Have some Basic Human Decency.”

And liiiiiiike of course they’re right. I wish I could tell them that part of what’s going on is LITERALLY funding losses because of stupid shit related to conservatives they probably hate as much as we do. The “impending recession” bullshit has already been named. There’s also the fact that we lost a 6 figure funder who was mad we spoke out against Roe being turned over and that we are fully, loudly trans affirming, inclusive, and supportive.

We’re going to have to ultimately figure out a way to message this to our benefit and tell this story because we need a whole fucking lotttt of average lefty friends to make up the loss of one moderate, Christian, mega wealth source who wields too much power here if those friends don’t show up. But telling the story in a way that effectively rallies more support without overly causing collateral damage in the process.

Like this is a feminist nonprofit in Texas in the year 2023. We have to take a fucking stance on shit and that’s increasingly actually very important and difficult to do. Yet, we also have to maintain some level of broad base of support or alllllllll the work we do in neighborhoods and schools supporting THOUSANDS of youth in this who like super super super need us there. This state’s leadership, carceral systems, abusers, and school systems disempower them and my coworkers are sometimes the only people some girls feel comfortable asking for help in their lives for scaryyyy shit.

It’s a terrible time. I’m so hopeful we can weather this, but it just sucks to be in this spot and to have to backpedal hard earned wins (in shifting one way white supremacist thinking and values were present in our staffing structure) and increasing equity. So so so so so so disappointing. I hate it.

*any (local) nonprofit doing actual good work (like leftier ones FOR SURE) in your community probably need your donations now if you have them.

#mine #nonprofit life #turning off reblogs ofc. but as a reminder a ❤️ to me always = a lil sign of support

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attonitos-gloria · 1 year

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Kendall/Shiv

Tyrion/Cersei

Sansa/Daenerys

Roman/Ebbe

Tom/Logan (which is popular apparently? I didn’t know this)

hello <3 hi

kendall/shiv: long text ahead. sorry. with obvious spoilers but that goes unsaid.

my mind goes blank and i hear static noises in the background when i think about them. it is the broken mirror image. it is shiv wanting what kendall had his whole life (the inheritance) and kendall wanting what shiv had her whole life (being daddy's favorite). it's the GENDER of it all. the narrative paralleling of each other which is the source of all tragedy because parallel lines never meet. the fact their relationship to logan is defined by opposition and conflict and friction, while connor and roman lean toward loyalty and compliance - and this means that kendall and shiv are able to love each other (that is, to represent and embody logan to each other) only through opposition too, through betrayal. they betray each other over and over and over. roman needs pain, roman needs violence - but roman cannot grasp the concept of love as betrayal because he finds comfort in being the loser dog as a way to cope with the dog cage to begin with. kendall and shiv could never cope like that. they are too busy rounding each other in circles, growling and barking, to realize the door of the cage is open - i think this is why they are not able to leave it, while roman still can, because roman is aware, open eyes and all. kendall and shiv? doomed forever. and i think what kills me is that between the blood and war they are forever waging against each other, there are so many moments of real tenderness and intimacy between them: the hug in season 2, and "shivy, honey" in That Episode, their conversation in the election night, and the fact they stayed together for the better part of the funeral even though they had betrayed each other AGAIN just THE NIGHT PRIOR with NATIONAL IMPLICATIONS and all the times they simply defended each other and stood by each other while they weren't in good terms - they simply do not let go. they have each other's back - for support or burying a knife, it depends on the day, but they do. to have and to hold. there are so many moments of vulnerability and real love in the midst of the backstabbery and fucked up emotional incestuous thing they have going on. (i don't think they necessarily need to get physical. in fact i think i almost prefer if they don't get physical at all; i think there is erotic tension enough in the air, and that is fucked up and dysfunctional and absolutely already qualifies as incest).

i also think there's something here about the implication that kendall cannot have biological children, and shiv's pregnancy being unplanned and unwanted, and yet she ends up keeping it and settling into motherhood in the worst possible way. like. what exactly is this family breeding and siring, do you know what i mean? monsters i think this is one of the most insane parallels between them for me. [yes i do like the shiv's pregnancy plot. it added context and texture to so many things in the last season. sorry not sorry]

i want to be clear that, as with all incestuous relationships, i think this is one that thrives on abuse and i don't really like fluffy/sweet takes on their dynamics - they do love each other but i think there must be this element of doom, of ruin and tragedy for them to work for me but yes. right now i am the real you / yeah and i am the real you. exactly jesse armstrong i stan one true pairing in the evil billionaire show. sorry for the WALL of text. i am simply not normal about kendall/shiv/roman but i think roman and shiv have a good relationship with each other, functional and healthy and not incestuous. it is kendall who fucks up the whole thing. for the obvious reasons.

tyrion/cersei: i think tyrion and cersei are sort of kendall and shiv but without the love element lol like only the hate and betrayal. [though if we're speaking GOT, season 2 is still my favorite because of the tyrion/cersei moments. thank you for so much, dinklage and lena.] which is fine by me. underappreciated ship. i think the Gender plays even harder here: cersei literally thinks she is the only son tywin has; tyrion is the most like tywin of the three but since he is a disabled man he has to take his inheritance through force instead of being given it by birthright simply (and i mean legally and literally since he is the legal heir of the rock). both of them have to earn their place through violence because neither of them are a Whole Golden Male and everyone knows a true strong man is a violent one right??? isn't that correct???? it's just - too good. i will confess that even though i don't think this is how it is going to play out, i do sometimes wish tyrion were cersei's valonqar in the end because it would be so sexy of them? i think together they could genuinely collapse the world. like completely obliterate it like a nuclear bomb. perfect

sansa/daenerys: not my favorite pairing for either of them but i can see it happening only if sansa is manipulating dany's need for love and affection to have power. this works in many contexts but mostly it is a dark!sansa ship for me. this is in fact the second part of eat your young i do have this headcanon that sansa can actually seduce almost any woman in westeros if she sets her mind to it. the lesbians are recruiting

roman/ebbe: lol keep ebba away from all of them please. all the roys, mattson too, everyone. i think this ship strikes me as surprisingly normal for roman. even for a friendship alone, i don't think she is the kind of person roman could bond with. i just don't see it, if there's something in there please enlighten me. i'm fully fully in the ebba/karolina ship i can't see the rest of them

tom/logan: if it isn't about shiv then i'm simply not interested in this ship. he is tom of siobhan for me. is tom/logan a way to work shiv's daddy issues? great. is it about tom's hunger for power and his overall whorish demeanor when it comes to waystar royco? interesting as meta from an intellectual perspective, but doesn't compell me in the guts, like i'm not passionate about it.

#ask me stuff #kendall x shiv #sansa x dany #roman x ebba #tom x logan #tyrion x cersei

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wildflowersnweed · 1 year

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I know on the outside my bubbly personality is coming out, but on the inside it just feels like I’m a failure and I feel guilt, shame & embarrassment.

It’s a very awful feeling and I really don’t wish it on anyone…..

I’ve tried to accept that today is a new day, and tomorrow is as well, and that I have intake on Friday so I’m looking forward to something which in turn helps my MDD…

But at the same time, I’m extremely nervous because I had my first psychiatrist for 5 years & I finally got around to trusting him & then he left my mental health clinic.

Then I ended up with a really un-educated, forceful, & medically abusive and neglectful, Nurse Practitioner who “majored” (while in College years and years ago) in Psychiatry. But she is NOT a Psychiatrist by any means.

Honestly if I saw her again, before I fired her, I would tell her straight to her face that she is a Nurse Practitioner who needs to leave the Mental Health Profession COMPLETELY and just move to general medicine.

She doesn’t qualify to be in the Mental Health Services.

She denies you medication even if your body depends on it to be a functional member of society.

She is ALWAYS late, every single month for the past 3 years, on getting you your re-fills ON TIME!

She is 100% for Therapy being the ONLY treatment for any mental health condition.

She is against ANY AND ALL natural medications, herbs, or any natural therapies or treatments (such as an acupuncture and/or Chiropractic care) to treat any mental health issues.

She will also refuse to see you at your appointment if you are 5 or more minutes late.

She. Is. Fired.

I can’t believe I didn’t listen to my Therapist sooner!! She has been telling me since 2021 that “I can fire her”. Any time I brought up an issue with my Nurse Practitioner, my Therapist IMMEDIATELY went straight to me being able to fire her. I should have listened sooner. BUT, at least I listened eventually.

I hope that in time my brain can sort through all of the trauma, anger, sadness, regret, grief and pain because this $hit sucks. And clearly Klonopin is not the right drug for me, because I can take it as directed and prescribed, and it does NOTHING. I still have every symptom I had before I took it. It doesn’t work on my body. Hence, why I was previously prescribed 4mg daily, and she cut me down to only 1mg daily on the very first appointment. And it took me 3 years to realize that what she did was Medical Negligence because she was denying me of medication, that my body relied on, to be a functioning human in society. BUT NOOOOO obviously she didn’t want me to be a sane human being so she took that medication away almost completely. She did NOT wean me off of it either. So there ya go, medical abuse.

I have so many reasons to turn her a$$ in. I’m so pissed off that a mental health doctor gets away with basically killing people slowly. She has no intention on making anyone better. And the icing on the cake??? All of her patients are grouped together as one. She will say something to you and then say “But, all of my patients” or even “and all of my patients”. I am my own person thank you very much.

I honestly just hope that when I see my therapist again, I can tell her everything that I’ve been sending myself (via texts) so I can share what is on my mind and heart as it is there and I don’t have to try to think of something traumatic that recently happened…cuz everyone knows how forgetful I am.

I also have to get my butt to Spencer BEFORE Friday, so I can sign the legal documents to have my previous clinic send everything to my new clinic. And that’s just fantastic since my chauffeur (Hubz 😜) works everyday except Friday 🙄. Which means he has to take time out of his busy work day, just to drive me basically to sign $hit. Stupid… But I’m super thankful & proud that my courage came out in that moment to make that phone call. I’m glad I did. No more driving one hour just to get a freaking LATE re-fill on any of my medications. I just have to walk up the street 😂

Or be driven if it’s gross outside or if my chronic pain starts acting up.

I’m thankful for everyone who is being super validating right now. And for everyone who is being extra kind and gentle to me while I go through all of this.

It did lead to a complete mental breakdown, but thankfully a simple phone call to an emergency therapist, helped me get through it.

I’m thankful for everyone who is being super validating right now. And for everyone who is being extra kind and gentle to me while I go through all of this.

It did lead to a complete mental breakdown, but thankfully a simple phone call to an emergency therapist, helped me get through it.

Thank you for reading this, and know that if I sent it to you & opened up to you, that you are part of my inner circle, and you matter to me, and you are loved by me. You will always have a seat at my table.

Have a good day/night, wherever you are.

♥️&✌🏽

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screechingkingdomhottub · 5 months

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RATING DIFFERENT MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELLING SERVICES (UK)

Soo bit about me is im bisexual, trans, autistic, depressed and have had some Bad Coping Mechanisms so trigger warnings for sh, suicidal thoughts, alcoholism and addictions, anything else lemme know and i'll edit this. When I was a young boy, I realised bad things in my brain and after struggling finally got encouraged to reach out for help, here's how i'd rate my experiences. First though, regardless of any of these ratings you should seek help, because even if the help sucks which it might, you get a little boost in your brain that you're trying and it could be the difference between 1 day but that 1 day is special. I believe in you. As someone who has been struggling for 10 years now, it does get better but your struggle doesnt magically stop. So this is in no way me saying "all help sucks dont bother" but the exact opposite like always choose to seek for help.

First we have Mr Big Boi Jo AKA the samaritans, I have reached out to them so many times since I was like 13. The email feature is amazing like being able to sorta control when you are willing to not only send the message but also check the response is wonderful. I'd pour my heart and soul out and then be able to step away and recover from that vulnerability, be excited for when I'd get an email back, if I didn't feel like responding in that moment then I would not have to. But they have a tendency to sign post you quite easily like i've been sent to chris at lgbt , childline, some autism stuff that rubbed me the wrong way. It can feel kinda like you're getting dismissed and told to bugger off. "But that's not what they're doing!" oh right i forgot people in mental health crises should think more clearly, how dare i think they may have thinking issues and be sensitive in those times, ridiculous of me /s so I'm gonna rate them 6.5/10. This also probably depends on who you get. I'm gonna have to DQ [email protected] because I genuinely forgot I had any interaction with them, they seem alright and I suppose if you're struggling with gender and sexuality they're worth a shot? I'm rather comfortable in my identity now so I don't want to take that resource away from people for any experiment like this. CHILDLINE - Not just that one phone number you call if your parents are abusive. Genuinely childline is so misrepresented due to what we classify as abuse like if you are under 18, you can go on childline and play games, have a live chat feature with counsellors, ask on message boards, view message boards or send as an email instead of the chat. You can choose! I think it would be amazing even for adults but once again, no stealing resources. "But I have DID and it's complicated cause my little needs help-" dude I'm not qualified for that, you probably know more than I do like don't put this on me. I cannot remember one negative experience with them. I just remember being scared and messaging people, OH AND THE NOTES YOU CAN ASK THEM TO READ NOTES SO THEY'RE CAUGHT UP ON STUFF EVEN IN LIVE CHAT. 9.5/10 would be a 10 if I was still a child but I'm unfortunately 23 so im bitter. It may have changed but now but I strongly encourage people to try it because I didn't want to because I thought it was only for kids being physically abused, it's also for like teenagers who are self harming. SHOUT - Oh Shout, you are the most 50/50 out of these. I genuinely use SHOUT more than samaritans now but it can go really bad. I message and am like "hello i wanna drink myself to death" but if i do that on like friday nights or something, the wait times are massively long and I've found some other way to soothe myself but when they are there they do talk very gently, they offer valid resources about things like as pdfs this time not just links to websites of people that can help. It's similar to counselling in person imo so it's about vibes sometimes. 8/10 or wait/10 damn those wait times KOKO - I'm glad it exists but haven't found much help from it personally. I do like that it sorta puts less stress on people that want to help social media accounts in crisis like that's a very important thing we didn't have when I first had the internet and it caused a lot of damage but in terms of the rating of how it helped 4/10.

GP - OMG GPs right? Anyone in the UK that's been to a GP for depression will immediately be thinking "oh right a WALK ADN SOME TEA RIGHT??" because that's always your first offer. Always. I should also mention I never went to CAMHs because of how my GP saw me, I went to a different centre for at risk youths in a different town in the most wonderful and bizarre therapy I've ever had but that place has shut down and there's absolutely no way other people have had that experience because whenever I say this stuff to people they may as be looking at me like I'm talking about narnia. GPs don't really seem to take you seriously until you're 18. But people don't seem to be really listening, your antidepressants aren't gonna stop your depression. They're going to fight it a little bit but you gotta do other stuff to get the endorphins and that's where the walks and exercise come in. People will bitch about theirs not working and they don't listen to what the GP says like "they keep upping my dose cause it isnt working!" then you find out that person has been drinking every other day which cancels those meds out. So with all that said, GPs are getting a 5/10. Some of mine were really helpful, some sucked, age is a big factor.

I hope you are able to use this info or even just now be more aware of all the help you can get in the new year. It's time to get happy again <3

#mental health

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whenitsdarkweilluminate · 6 months

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Tel Aviv 2019 – Semi-Final 2

Host: Israel Slogan: “Dare to Dream” Participants: 41 Voting method: 12-point system (50/50 system - separated) Format: 2 Semi-Finals / Grand Final = the top 10 of semi 1 & 2 + the Big 5 + host

General Overview:

In my SF1 write-up, I mentioned that SF2 is the stronger semi this year. However, it's really just the second half of SF2 that's stronger. Indeed, there's only 3 qualifiers in the first 10 songs (and 1 within the first 6). Meanwhile, the last 6 songs are ALL qualifiers; 5 of which make up the top 8 on finale night. Not only that, Lithuania was 1 point away from making it eight qualifiers in a row. Which would've beaten the record of 7 in a row from 2009 SF2. That run from Malta to Azerbaijan is kinda insane.

The show starts with a recap of SF1, then the hosts come on stage immediately, since there are no opening performances. Tonight's memorable moments include: Assi guessing Meryl Streep and Mariah Carey for the “M” artist, Erez accusing Assi of breaking voting rules, Erez's “no you wish” response to Assi, Lucy's awkward “a cappella shoes” joke, and Assi pulling up a picture of Mahmood this time. The hosts also interview Conchita and Måns, since they'll be performing in the final.

The interval stars Shalva Band, a group of disabled musicians who withdrew from Israel's 2019 national final. They perform a cover of “A Million Dreams” from the Greatest Showman soundtrack. The two female singers hold hands in wedding dresses and they have nice voices. The one on the left also reads braille. And there's a wedding-style archway on stage.

Next, mentalist Lior Suchard grabs 4 random artists in the Green Room and asks them to write down a number between 1-1000. He then unravels a banner that contains their numbers; and flips it around to spell out “Eurovision”. This had to be staged... right? There's also part 2 of the DJ Earworm-style mash-up of past Eurovision entries. And a montage of “12 points” moments... enough filler.

The Netherlands wins this semi-final, despite placing 3rd with the juries and 2nd in the televote (same as Australia in SF1). The jury winner is North Macedonia, while Norway tops the televote... all of this will happen again in the grand final. Additionally, the juries ranked Norway 11th, which is ridiculous. They also didn't have Albania in their top 10. The “jury qualifiers” that missed out were Moldova and Romania. On the flip side, the juries saved Denmark at the expense of Lithuania.

× Armenia: Srbuk - Walking Out This is a spiteful and confrontational song about leaving an abusive ex. I love that! The empty staging explains the NQ, but Srbuk's performance is fierce anyways. The chorus is also stiff and shout-y (“WALKING OUT, WOOHOO” is a meh hook), but anger is meant to sound unstable. Her impassioned voice shows strength to stand up and fight back. She repeats “I'M WALKING OUT!” as a firm stance. She'll burn down what she built! In the song, Srbuk asks “Who are you? / What you really do?” because her partner seems like a different person. They get mad at her being upset. They're dependent and defensive. They repress emotions. They aren't there for her. And she claps back with: “can you function on your own?”; “wait for... oh no I'm done!”; and “At last I feel proud!” The camera cuts and tilts fit this attitude. Especially the sharp cuts and zooms in verse 2. The stage also uses red lighting at first. The song opens with a distant, cold piano, as we see Srbuk make a fist from behind. Then reality sinks in via a winding down sound, and the irate percussion aggressively claps and splash-slams. It pauses in the pre-chorus for traditional strings. Then a glitch sound cuts to a spinning overhead shot, and the chorus uses shuddering slices. The pre-chorus is skipped the second time. The LED floor cracks upon chorus #2. And then Srbuk's kneeling is very effective – where the bridge quiets, the key change hits, the flames erupt, and she shrieks like crazy. She also “walks out” at the end.

× Ireland: Sarah McTernan - 22 Dead last in SF2. Ireland has hit rock bottom. “22” has a daydreamy, 'light as a cloud' atmosphere, but the melody is lacking and Sarah's vocal is lifeless, making it kinda boring. The 1950s diner staging doesn't work either, where Sarah sits at a table with two milkshakes on it. There's two dancers that come out to grab them. They interact with Sarah, but their facial expressions are so extra. Then, during the bridge, she lays on the table against a starry floor LED, as shown on the overhead camera. The dancers then spin the table around with her on it. The main LED, meanwhile, shows a vintage car “driving back” during that lyric; as well as checker patterns and classic comic book drawings of Sarah. Furthermore, calling your song “22” just invites Taylor Swift comparisons. It's her ex's house number, it could be anything. Anyways, Sarah keeps driving back there because she's constantly thinking about him. That sounds... stalkerish. New faces and old places are reminders. She's afraid to admit her feelings and admits to messing it up. The song is mainly driven by a bass guitar groove (the LED shows the soundwave of it at first). The pre-chorus adds a slight keyboard. Then the drums enter in the chorus, alongside guitar shimmers, while the post-chorus uses guitar beeps and “oh whoa” backing (I like that part). The drums continue in verse 2 after a second. And the bridge quiets down. This entry is more 'whatever' and basic than bad though.

× Moldova: Anna Odobescu - Stay Possibly the most forgettable entry of 2019. Moldova isn't known for serious entries, but 2007 and 2013 did well. The staging blatantly copies Ukraine 2011 – it involves someone making sand art on a table, which is projected on the LED. It's an impressive talent, but an unoriginal idea. And why is there a birdcage, a wine glass, and some candles on the table? Moreover, “Stay” is a generic ballad. The lyrics are filled with meaningless cliches that lack substance: “Even with the wind we'll make it”! “Keep the fire burning inside”! “No matter what they say/ It's now or never”! “If I fall/ I'm nothing at all”! And Anna uses a lot of imperative verbs to empower this person. She tells them to stay until she figures out how they can reconcile forever. The composition is so close to being an epic power ballad, and it almost wins me over. It starts with a pensive piano. The strings sneak in next, followed by a thundery transition. Then the chorus moves in a pattern that I like – ie. the “STAY until I find a WAY” emphases + the stop/start seesawing strings + the echoes. A string post-chorus follows this. Then verse 2 elevates with a crisp drum, a fizzy synth, and continued strings. The later choruses become heavier. And the bridge reduces to a quiet piano and a heartbeat, as she interacts with the artist, leading to a boom-clap drum breakdown. Anna then disappears in a swirly hologram - she didn't stay after all. She also wears a white dress on stage, and has good vocals.

✓ Switzerland: Luca Hänni - She Got Me This is one insanely catchy song: “Gettin' rowdy, rowdy”; “She let her body... TALK”; “WHEN SHE GO LOW...” x2; “She got me dirty dancin'... DIRTY DANCIN'!” And that drop is blazing hot and made for grinding. The audience goes wild when Luca dances during it. He's charming in a likeable way. He has sexy confidence. He smiles and never stops moving. In the intro, he walks slowly in camera cuts. Then he sways to the side during the pauses. And later, he jumps into a pyro blast. The choreo is hot too. While the red lighting, the wide and changing aspect ratios, and the glitchy LED establish a scene. The lyrics are typical horny dude thoughts: this seductive girl compels Luca to dirty dance in the club. She's the “kinda lady that mama like/But mama ain't here tonight” (lol). She makes all the boys and girls stop what they're doing. And now they're sweaty and animalistic. The production is a bop. There's a guitar intro, followed by a screechy whistle, a knocking beat, a quick metal drum, and then the beat strengthens. The pre-chorus slides across with bass taps and conclusions (+ lyric pauses). The chorus pulls back with claps and a bird call, then escalates with bass blares and a loud alarm on “DIRTY DANCIN'”. Then the fiery “eeeer” drop runs wild afterwards. The next pre-chorus and the bridge uses taut bass strums instead. The bridge is the weakest part though. The song then rests before a clappy fire dance and a “WOOP”. Side notes: This hit #1 on my personal chart. Luca won Germany's DSDS in 2012. And this broke a 4-year NQ streak for Switzerland.

× Latvia: Carousel - That Night I like the cozy atmosphere and the vintage stage lighting/colours, but “That Night” is very easy to forget about. The song is a bit sleepy and the composition is too monotonous. I'm not shocked by the NQ. The chorus is dominated by that “LAH-AH-AH-AH-AHVE” hook. But since there's barely a bridge, the chorus is played on an endless loop towards the end. It goes on too long... like she's zoned out... and I zone out too. In the lyrics, singer Sabīne recalls a lonely, starless, dark night, where “one troubled thought broke through”. She spends the chorus wishing for love, in this daydream-y state. But she feels wrong for letting her imagination take over. Then a dark, cold river (reality?) takes her away from paradise, and she begs to return. This is how human brains work. Negative thoughts will intrude unexpectedly. The song is retro indie folk. It opens with an acoustic guitar, then the verse adds this subtle shuffling sound. There's some cymbal crashes and background howls as well. While the chorus has more of a foot-tapping rhythm. The vocals in the super brief are like a distant howl. And there's little bells later on. The instrumental is very subdued, calm and soothing. It sticks to one particular mood, which is introverted ruminating. On stage, Sabīne wears a brimmed hat, while the other band members play a guitar, double bass, and drums.

× Romania: Ester Peony - On a Sunday Artistic entries can be alienating, but the overused “EH-EH-EH-EH-EH” hook is obtrusive too. I like how it claws at you though. Plus the dark, demented, tortured atmosphere is intriguing. The song opens with a warped guitar, where the audio and video purposely skip. The guitar removes its restraints right after, but it's still pained. The finger snaps come next, which sharpen on the first “eh eh eh”, leading to a whoosh. Then the very heavy/dense bass takes over, with deep “WHOA”s and clicks. This is my favourite part. The bass persists for rest of the song, except for two breaks to temporarily relieve the pressure: the first one returns to snaps and acoustic guitar, while the second is a piano break. The bass also appropriately enters on the “smoke” and “nightmare” lyrics, which are the images it conjures up. There's tons of fire eruptions too. On stage, Ester sits on a red armchair, while the guitarist looks solemn on the ramp. She's dressed in black and claws her silver-lined hand. The LED shows ancient pillars, bats flying forward, a splashing raindrops effect, and it turns hellish at the end (with fire rain), until roses appear. There's also jumpy camera cuts and two male dancers in kinky attire. In the song, Ester's break-up was so bad that she'll never forget that day. Now she pays the price for loving them. The smoke represents the painful aftermath. She can't feel at home. The world moves on, but she doesn't. She wants out of this nightmare. She asks if it really happened. She didn't see it coming.

✓ Denmark: Leonora - Love Is Forever This is just obnoxiously happy and sweet. The message that love will solve the world's problems is so overdone in Eurovision. Leonora suggests we “travel the world to see the ruins”, because we don't process history. She tells us “don't get too political”, don't judge, and don't give up because we've only experienced a taste of what's possible. And towards the end, she sings in 4 different languages for universality. The lyrics hit you over the head. The persistent, jerky string jabs are annoying too. They forcibly lift you up. The song is just jabs until the first chorus adds snaps to it. The jabs then pause for a second, and the second verse adds an acoustic guitar to get things moving. The later choruses have a fuller sound, where the backing “oooh” comes in. And the bridge reduces to jabs, snaps and a violin. I don't care for the staging either. It begins with Leonora standing in front of this backdrop of various drawings (a chair, window, ladder and clouds); which opens up to show the audience behind her. Then she climbs an actual ladder towards the top of this gigantic blue chair. Once there, she sways back and forth with 2 backing members, while clouds drift on the LED. The backing is WAY too happy here. Next, the other 2 backing members carry ladders on their shoulders, and climb them backwards. Once everyone is up top, they all sway and kick their feet. The song's atmosphere floats like a cloud, but it does nothing for me. Her voice is so cutesy at the end of the chorus too.

✓ Sweden: John Lundvik - Too Late for Love The fake jury winner, and another top 5 for Sweden. The composition sounds too perfected, like most Swedish entries, but John's sensitive vocal expresses longing, humility, and caring; right from that “Hey, how you've been?” opening greeting. The camera close-up personalizes that opener too. He takes a risk by contacting his ex. It's probably been a while. He never got over them. He wonders if this is mutual and if it's wrong to still picture them together. Then he repeatedly asks if it's too late. While in the chorus, he desperately yells “HEAR ME!” for attention. The music has a hopeful vibe though. It starts with the piano, then a small running beat slides in. Suddenly the song stops and slams, and the chorus is split in two. First, there's hums and snaps; then the “HEAR ME!” shout launches the latter half effectively, which is a release of percussion and backing vocals, with a couple satisfying clack lashes. Verse 2 starts quiet, before the ticking and bass bring the energy back, followed by snaps. The second chorus adds thunderous drums to build even more – this is when the Mamas come out, which is my fave part. They all raise their mics together at the end of the chorus. And the bridge is a sensitive moment, leading to a “NOOO” climax, a clap breakdown, and more thunder drums. The “I could be..” hooks are good too. The stage is dark orange, with this smokey beaming light structure behind John. He also runs on the spot a lot, which matches the energy. And he turns to the side during verse 2.

This had a perfect jury score in Melfest lol. But I think it was the right winner. My other faves from the 2019 final were “Torn”, “Chasing Rivers”, “Ashes to Ashes” and “Hold You”. I wasn't fond of the runner-up, Bishara's “On My Own”.

× Austria: Pænda - Limits 0 televote points for this. Austria had momentum after Conchita during 2016/17/18, but that stops here. Pænda sings with tearful vulnerability and passion, and her soft high voice stands out, but the song is so sloooow. Those “yoUoUoU”s are annoying too. The lyrics have a realistic and insightful take on self-love at least. The verses are personal, where Pænda knows she has to move past her insecurities, but she's trapped in them. She pushed herself too hard before, but now realizes it's okay to not be okay, hoping time will re-calibrate her. She finds clarity looking in the mirror. She wants to believe it'll be better in the future. She feels numb to the pain and forces a smile. She feels chest anxiety. And she addresses the chorus to anyone that can relate. The song opens with twinkling chimes, a plane zooming past, and a dissolved voice. Then the verses move in slow, delicate steps, with those chimes. While the chorus follows a cello that shivers in small movements, with drum patters and string “da-DA”s midway. Her voice gets worked up in the second verse. Then the second chorus intensifies the drums and “da-DA”s, with some crackles. The bridge extends the intensity and shifts the melody, where Pænda lets it crash down. The song then finishes anticlimactically by returning to the delicate. As if this change isn't permanent. On stage, Pænda performs all alone, sitting down for the first half. There's dark lighting and poles of light resembling stars.

× Croatia: Roko - The Dream So, my least favourite Croatian entry is “My Friend”, and guess what? Jacques Houdek wrote their 2019 song as well. Lucky me! “The Dream” just takes itself too seriously. The staging is cringe. It begins with Roko laying on the floor LED, as it shows hellfire and angel wings beneath him. After he sits up, the camera shakes and the floor appears to rise. Then, two “angels” with golden wings descend from the ceiling. They attach wings onto Roko, and then re-ascend. The LED also changes from Hell to Heaven at some point. The religious imagery is too on the nose here. Also, I cannot stand the chorus. Roko's big vocals on “I DREAM OF LOVE... ANGELS OF GOD” are annoying AF. The lyrics are 'whatever' too. He won't give up on this beautiful, extreme dream, and assures it's possible. He mentions uniting a divided world, turning war into art, how we've endured, and how the time is now. For what exactly? Love, I guess. Then he switches to Croatian lyrics. Musically, the song starts with a couple dark synths and a distorted cry. Then the first verse uses repressed icy synth drips and echoing woodblock? ticks. It has a frosty atmosphere. The pre-chorus halts the movement with a boom, followed by lower ticks. The chorus then brings in the tediously-paced heavy drums and sawing strings. An instrumental break follows this, with more drums and rising keyboards. Then verse 2 eases off, before inserting a scattering sound and symphonic strings. The song ends by buzzing down.

✓ Malta: Michela - Chameleon This staging is camp but it works. It showcases modern technology and resembles a music video. It starts with Michela twirling her hair inside a brick house window. Then the camera zooms into her decorated room, it turns yellow, the door “opens”, water floods the room, it becomes an aquarium, the dancers crawl from the under the walls, the water drains, and a chameleon walks across. The lights then rotate bold colours during the drop, while the dancers “multiply”. Next, the stage becomes a jungle to match that lyric. City skyscrapers grow and shake to the beat, as Michela stands on a roof. And at the end, the screen contraption is revealed. The “Chameleon” metaphor is about being adaptable to life's troubles (“we are technicolour!”) The lyrics use colour comparisons and plant metaphors, as Michela refuses to be held in a box or to walk away from her problems. And the bridge is a bunch of “throw this at me, I'll overcome it”. The song starts with a reggae guitar (+ an off-key horn in the intro) until the “MMHMM” + metal drum interrupt. Then the broken metal ticks and bass blobs come in, leading to a roaring horn. The chorus is very hype and loud (“WHEN LIFE BRINGS ME TROUBLE...”) with claps and forceful slams (and metal ticks midway), leading to a quirky “drop” – this submerged bubbling thing, with “CHAME-CHAMELEON” repetitions, more off-key horns, and it peaks with “YALALA”s and roaring horn shakes. The bridge goes into light piano and snaps, and a horn blast-off. And I love how the final chorus lets everything go. It's a super catchy song and the drop is fun.

× Lithuania: Jurij Veklenko - Run with the Lions 1 point away from qualifying. The juries often underrate Lithuania in the semi-finals though. Jurij's performance is a little too sentimental and cloying, but he shows compassion. He really wants to inspire us. He repeats the phrases “c'mon c'mon”, “let me show you”, and “just try it” as encouragement. The song's message is about facing fears to experience life: “If you wanna see, just open your eyes”. Specifically the fear of leaving one's house. It's also about freeing yourself to express your feelings. The “We got love that can't be caged!” line is used as a rallying cry. This could be interpreted in an LGBT context. The lyrics use wildlife metaphors though, which is pretty corny. Musically, the verses follow a buoyant little synth, claps, slices, and kicks. The pre-chorus softens into a space age vibe. And the chorus brings in the percussion and bassline, with backing grunts, “ooh whoa oh” hooks, and a series of dramatic, rapid splitting bangs surrounding the title phrase. The chorus has a big melody as well. Later, the bridge shifts a bit, with an “OOOOOOOOOH-OOH-OOH-OOH” descent, peaking in a backing chant. And there's a brief sawing string outro. The staging isn't particularly memorable. Jurij just stands there with extremely super sympathetic energy. And there's a bunch of jumpy camera cuts during the chorus bangs. The chorus is a bop at least.

✓ Russia: Sergey Lazarev - Scream #StandWithUkraine

Sergey equals his 2016 placement, but I find this one overrated. “Scream” is a spectacle – it's a grand and elegant ballad, and he sings with passion. But it's so slow and exhausting. The chorus stretches out “THEY SCREAAAAAAAAAM” for too long. That chorus is literally two words. The big budget staging tells a story at least, with the wall of mirrors behind Sergey. First, he sings to his reflection. Then there's a line of his back reflections, as shooting stars hurtle forward on the LED. Then his reflection moves independently. But the key moment is when Sergey emotes behind a window of falling raindrops. There's just something about the way he touches the window. Next, we see a line of Sergeys in different positions, with a rainstorm effect. And they all stand in unison during the bridge, making it even more ominous. The lyrics are about him refusing to cry in front of his ex because of his pride. So he leaves them hanging. But he realizes tears aren't silent, so he'll break down eventually. The bridge is a word salad though. The music starts as a solemn piano ballad. Then the pre-chorus awakens with dramatic pounds, where each line rises with icy piano bits, and the “TEARS WILL FALL” part intensifies. While the chorus brings in the orchestral strings and more slow pounds. Verse #2 adds echoing strikes. And the bridge is an ominous, isolating, guilty moment by reducing to louder echoing strikes with silence between them. That's my fave part. But this song overdoes it on the emotion.

✓ Albania: Jonida Maliqi - Ktheju tokës My favourite Albanian entry! I'm glad they didn't translate it to English, it would've ruined it. I love this “boom... ka-boom-KA... boom” “tribal” drum march. There's a sense of impending doom to it. It moves at a very steady pace. And it creates the image of mindlessly walking forward to the rhythm of a drum circle, one heavy footstep at a time. The song also inserts enraged buzzers that blast in your face. Plus breathy “hee”s, an eerie screechy flute, and metal pot ticking all in the first verse; followed by group vocal chants and distortions. Then the chorus soars in a hauntingly distressed way, as Jonida cries in pain through the post-chorus. A flute-lead instrumental break follows this. While verse #2 halts the drums for modern broken metal ticks and distortions. The drums soon return, then submerge, then resurface with a “YO YO”. The song is addressed directly to migrants who left Albania. The title means “Return to Your Land”. The lyrics keep it minimal, saying: they cry into their hands; they yearn without hope; they're separated from their loves ones; they lost their identity. The “One day you live/ The next you die” line is very bleak too. But the sorrowful chorus pleads them to return to the “heart”. The song's atmosphere is incredible and Jonida's voice is very captivating. The flame bursts complement the vibe as well. On stage, Jonida wears a black dress with a gold design. And the floor LED shows a fiery circle, and people trying to escape a nest.

✓ Norway: Keiino - Spirit in the Sky The 2019 televote winner. The song is super catchy and uplifting, the yoik is unique, the lead vocal exchanges are SO satisfying (especially in the chorus), and the progression is incredible. Tom's sweet voice pulls you in during the “can't you stay...” intro, while he turns forward. There's subtle nighttime bass and sparkles, leading to a crackle. Then, once Alexandra takes over, the droopy bass synths get things moving. The taps and audience claps elevate it; as does the windy gust that follows. Then the chorus holds off for a moment until there's a jingle, then the bouncing, jogging, buzzing synth bulldozes through, ending in another gust. That chorus energizes the arena to an insane degree – it was MADE for Eurovision. Verse #2 builds similarly, while the camera tilt-zooms and motion blurs. Chorus #2 doesn't wait this time, and ends with a slam. Then the yoiking bridge quiets to wolf-like whistles; before it escalates with thunder drums, hype clacks, and flames on stage, as Fred's voice strengthens. Then the final “I HEAR YOU CALLING ME AT NIGHT” is epic. In the lyrics, Tom begs someone to stay for the night. He says they can leave in the morning to lessen the commitment. While Alexandra's parts show a transformation. At first, her spirit is lost. She's called worthless. She begs someone to find her. She needs a hero. Her fears are exposed. But the verses switch from “My name is nothing” and “running with the demons” to “Our name is freedom” and “dancing with the fairies”. While the spirits and northern lights symbolize freedom. The trio also has fun on stage. They start in different places, and meet up later (to match the story). The camera cuts to whoever's turn it is. The LED shows hurtling mountains and galaxies; and blocky forest animals at the end. The song has a night forest vibe too.

✓ Netherlands: Duncan Laurence - Arcade (winner review in Grand Final post)

✓ North Macedonia: Tamara Todevska - Proud The real jury winner, North Macedonia's first ever top 10, and their first qualifier since 2012. What a way to debut a new country name! The song is addressed to Tamara's daughter, but it also works as Tamara talking to her younger self. It's about how girls are treated unfairly. She warns that “they” (men) will try to dictate her behaviour and physical appearance. And that society's rules were set up for her to lose. But she promises to be by her daughter's side, and empowers her to speak up and show her pride – to “go and break the rules”. Tamara also gives a strong performance. Her vocal has a pleading, determined tone, showing the importance of the message. She gasps a lot. She repeats the words “I'm proud” like she's clinging on. And the song's mood is very tearful. But the pacing is tedious. The piano repeatedly dings at first, then it sounds withdrawn. The song pauses during one gasp, then the dings return. The chorus piano tickles a bit. The piano emphasizes the “GO ON NOW” part. The sad string break also sounds withdrawn, where the LED shows photos of little girls and mothers. Then verse #2 intensifies with sawing strings, peaking with the “SHINE YOUR LIGHT” backing shout. The next “GO ON NOW” has the strings echo the piano part. And the final chorus is intense. It also pauses on the last “Tell them...” On stage, Tamara wears a green and black dress, with 6 reflections of her backside on the LED. And at the end, a photo of Tamara and her daughter is shown.

✓ Azerbaijan: Chingiz - Truth Their first top 10 since the vote-buying scandal. It's a professional composition, and Chingiz has great stage presence, but the chorus is too choppy. It's like his voice keeps cutting in and out. Still, the production is really cool. The verses have submerged whirring synths, relentless taps, warped “AHUH” howls, and hard “HEH” claps. It has a good rhythm. The pre-chorus adds a hint of traditional guitar. There's a quick pause, then the pulsating/snapping chorus rises above water, with an “ooh oh” post-chorus. The howls are motorized in verse 2. And Chingiz chants in the bridge, before unleashing a long note. The high budget staging involves two robot arms shining lasers on Chingiz's chest, drawing an anatomical heart outline, as he stands in front an upside down triangle. He also looks to the side at first. Later, the LED shows a yellow beating heart and a broken image of a woman's face. There's a swirly water hologram. And during the bridge, a white light hologram of Chingiz beams upwards, then quickly descends. It's like his soul left his body... it's too much. The central hook is Chingiz repeatedly telling his ex to “SHUT UP ABOUT IT!” He doesn't want to hear her “truth” (her explanation). It's too soon. The song has a 'I don't her' attitude, although the falsetto chorus shows agony. He tells himself to get through this and to keep it together. He won't let her break him. He drinks to forget that she moved on. But she randomly shows up, so he reminds himself to not give in.

My Ranking:

01. Norway: Keiino - Spirit in the Sky ✓ 02. Switzerland: Luca Hänni - She Got Me ✓ 03. Albania: Jonida Maliqi - Ktheju tokës ✓ 04. Netherlands: Duncan Laurence - Arcade ✓ 05. Malta: Michela - Chameleon ✓ 06. Sweden: John Lundvik - Too Late for Love ✓ 07. Romania: Ester Peony - On a Sunday 08. Armenia: Srbuk - Walking Out 09. Azerbaijan: Chingiz - Truth ✓ 10. Lithuania: Jurij Veklenko - Run with the Lions

11. North Macedonia: Tamara Todevska - Proud ✓ 12. Moldova: Anna Odobescu - Stay 13. Austria: Pænda - Limits 14. Russia: Sergey Lazarev - Scream ✓ 15. Latvia: Carousel - That Night 16. Ireland: Sarah McTernan - 22 17. Denmark: Leonora - Love Is Forever ✓ 18. Croatia: Roko - The Dream

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bharathomeapplianceservices · 10 months

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Safety First: Why Ignoring Strange Microwave Sounds Can Be Risky

Microwaves are among the most widely used home appliances. You must take extra precautions to prevent the risks because the kitchen is where more than half of all unintentional home fires begin. Microwave repair service in case of any damage works.

Fix appliances problems right away—unless you want to burn down your house or do irreparable harm to your microwave.

When a Tiny Item Malfunctions Severely

One of the most practical appliances you own, whether you use it daily or perhaps occasionally, is your microwave.

You should take care of the issue as soon as it becomes less handy and starts acting strangely, not just because you need to heat up some leftovers or pop some popcorn, but also because it could be an indication of a more serious problem that could cause irreparable damage to your unit or even start a fire.

It may be time to replace your microwave if it is approaching the end of its seven to ten-year lifespan. It isn't worth the risk to keep an old device around, especially if it is displaying any of the aforementioned problems.

Microwaves: Are They Harmful?

Since the middle of the 1950s, homes have been using microwaves. Since then, there hasn't been any solid evidence to support the idea that they are in any way hazardous to human health when used normally.

In reality, there is little risk of harm from microwave radiation. The major risk posed by a microwave is fire brought on by abuse or malfunction. Call out the best microwave repair near me service provider to avoid risk and problems later on.

Ignoring Microwave Sounds Can Be Risky

To ensure you stay safe around microwaves, you can adhere to some important safety advice.

When malfunctioning, microwave magnetrons and diodes can emit incredibly loud noises that can make your appliance sound like it's ready to blow up. In particular, if you see your microwave sparking or smoking, it is best to cut off the power source and have it rectified before using it again. Although they can harm internal components, sparks inside the microwave aren't usually a symptom of a dangerous issue.

What Is the Sound of a Failed Microwave Magnetron?

Bad microwave magnetrons can produce a variety of sounds, and these sounds are frequently very loud. Typically, malfunctioning magnetrons emit a loud screeching or screaming sound. Depending on the problem, a magnetron may also emit a loud buzzing or humming sound.

What is a Normal Microwave's Loudness Level?

When operating, typical microwaves emit a faint buzzing sound. However, typical microwave noises ought to be undetectable and silent. If the noise annoys you or if you hear grinding, clicking, or screaming sounds, one of the components is definitely malfunctioning.

How Do I Stop the Noise My Microwave is Making?

Occasionally, turning off your microwave and cleaning it well will stop it from producing noise. The only method to stop your microwave from making noise if that doesn't work is to identify the problematic component and fix or replace it.

Occasionally, if the noise is brought on by debris or blockages obstructing the fan blades, cleaning the cooling fan can resolve the issue.

Endnote

Generally speaking, it's preferable to contact a microwave repairing qualified contractor to diagnose and repair your microwave. Using a multimeter to test the parts and replace them yourself is doable, but it can be risky if you don't know what you're doing. If your microwave is integrated, accessing it may be difficult as well.

Even after being unplugged for a while, microwave capacitors can still hold a lot of energy. In the event that you accidently touch active components, this charge may be strong enough to provide a possibly lethal electric shock. If you wish to attempt to repair your microwave yourself, it is crucial to properly discharge the capacitor before you begin.

#microwave repair service #microwave oven service #microwave oven repair #microwave repair services

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seagoatdreamscape · 2 years

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From Pierre Janet’s 1889 delineation of the stages of recovery from hysteria, to groundbreaking studies of veterans with combat trauma, to the consensus of many therapists who work with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, the progression of trauma recovery often takes a recognizable shape. It is frequently described as a continuum of healing comprised by three approximate phases: the establishment of safety, constructing or completing the narrative of the trauma, and the return to social life.

The first phase is crucial. All forms of trauma—from intergenerational or historical traumas to those of illness, mental and physical abuse, and the many wrought by war—share the quality of disempowerment. No productive therapeutic work can be done until the traumatized patient understands that she has recouped some sense of her own agency. An integral part of achieving this is acknowledging in some form that the traumatic event(s) occurred. This happens cognitively, through the verbal articulation of the present, and perhaps even more importantly, in the body.

Peter Levine, who first developed somatic experiencing, a body-oriented approach to trauma therapy, describes it as one in which “you initiate your own healing by re-integrating lost or fragmented portions of your essential self. In order to accomplish this task, you need a strong desire to become whole again.” That desire to become whole is a necessary starting point from which to establish stable ground for healing work.

An understanding of the safety necessary to confront trauma partially undergirds the advice to write memoir with a substantial temporal distance from the experience. So much of what we memoirists write about qualifies as trauma; it is sound advice. Sometimes the art is first an art of patience. If we try to write the story of our trauma before we have established a certain degree of psychological and physical safety, we risk doing ourselves more harm. Think of the rape victim, retraumatized by having to repeat her story in its immediate aftermath to an audience of strangers.

And what of the experience that lies in the realm of the traumatic but is of the more ordinary variety, or is complicated by the fact that its victim is also its perpetrator? Addictions, for instance. We often describe the compulsions that disempower us as though they were autonomous characters—the eating disorder or heroin dependency that whispers persuasively in our ear as our bodies disintegrate. These forces are as much a part of us as the selves we wish to return to, or to become in our recovery.

I wrote about my addiction to drugs before I stopped doing them, yet I did not have access to a perspective that could yield insight about the experience until I stopped. Something also needed to shift in order for me to write about the relationship at the center of Abandon Me, though I didn’t need to establish abstinence or safety in the same way. There was an external force in the situation, i.e., my lover. But my greatest obstacle was still internal. Therefore, the experience didn’t need to end for me to recoup some sense of my own agency. Empowerment often begins more subtly, with only a narrow ledge inside ourselves wide enough to hold a crumb of resistance. The “strong desire to become whole again” can occur from the inside of experience and is itself a realm of safety, however small and strobing. I now understand that moment when I pushed the tack into the wall, pinning my future book’s title like a neon sign flashing here, as a change of course and a change of heart, a beacon announcing a safe location to confront the truth.

melissa febos

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betyourue · 2 years

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okay, let me just say this:

It's so interesting how KinnPorsche's relationship started with a huge mistake: having sex under the effects of an aphrodisiac.

Let me elaborate about this:

*I didn't read the books

*I'm just a casual viewer of the series

*My only purpose is to comment the fictional story as what it is

Kinn feels a special attraction towards Porsche because his bright personality and how he lives recklessly and finds a way to be happy under any circumstances. Also, Porsche is someone who is free (even if he's sinking in debts), he has the chance to build up his own destiny and plans to do it. In some way, Porsche is what Kinn wishes he could be. Kinn is completely stuck in the family business, he lives with the fear of losing someone he loves, trusting someone too much or dying. Everybody wants him dead, so he can't trust anyone, and this isn't something new for him, this has been like this his entire life.

Beside what he wants for his own life, he seems to be the only man on the family who is qualified to take his father's place. He needs to prove his dad he can do it and control his emotions and his impulses so he doesn't make mistakes. As we all know, his self control isn't the strongest, so it's very hard for him.

Kinn doesn't really have anyone beside him, every person around him keeps a business relationship with him, even his father. So, the only person who is closer than that is his toy boy and he has to pay for his company and probably doesn't really care or like him that much. It's all fake.

Kinn finds Porsche physically attractive too, and finds his personality completely strong. Kinn is very afraid of him.

This is why I guess Kinn can't be completely honest or intimate with Porsche unless he's drunk. That way he feel less exposed or weak, that way he feels like he's in control.

Kinn is the weaker of the two. He feels himself defeated by Porsche and that's why his whole life is out of control since they met, he can't control his impulses and that's why he fails to replace his dad properly, and he can't stand up for himself and that's why he never dared to disobey his dad and accepted this life he doesn't want.

Finally, we arrived to the point of this whole post: the main conflict.

Kinn likes Porsche in a special way and he knows that could be used against him, and he probably feels guilty that Porsche has to suffer the consequences of that. Because of that, he feels the need to take care of him after he vomited. Kinn just wanted to help him clean up, he didn't have any sexual thoughts but he is so damn weak. He knew it was wrong, that it wasn't the best time, but Porsche (under the influence) was begging for it and Kinn couldn't resist even if he tried. He acted like an animal, he lost himself for the time they had sex, he was wild and passionate.

When he finally wakes up and understands what happened he feels so guilty and upset. Even when he tells Porsche about "saving him" last night you can tell he feels so fucking hypocritical because he didn't save him, he did what he tried to save him from.

Porsche feels humiliated, hurt and abused. Kinn feels guilty and hypocrital. Both know they should stay away from each other. They just can't.

Porsche felt something special that night, he can't erase that. What he really hates about that night is that Kinn took advantage of him. He can't really trust him because it seems like his attraction towards him is "uncontrollable"... And at the same time, he feels emotionally dependent of Kinn. He hates him but still wants to be special to him, because Kinn is special to him.

Again, the huge mistake is the key of their relationship.

Their relationship is based on impulsive actions. It's meant to be reckless and passionately. What they had that night was so damn intense that it became addictive: when they are high on themselves they feel the happiest even if that means they sacrifice the reality. And when they are apart they can't get any satisfaction.

What will stick them together would be the craving of feeling what they felt that night again.

It kind of hurts, damn!

#kinnporsche #tv shows #kinnporche the series #episode 5 #episode 4

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theveryworstthing · 3 years

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it’s time for part 2 of the zodiac based Carot cards. Horn cards are horizontal instead of vertical because they’re meant to be placed above the three other suites which lay side by side. the last two suites are tentatively named the Travelers and the Island and now that i know what direction i want to take with them i’ll hopefully get through those in between work. anyway, here’s some lore.

Horn Signs

Horn signs are the second half of the rabbit/hare zodiac system. When a rabbit or hare is born they have sharp little starter horns encased in rubbery membranes that fall off soon after birth. These horns will eventually shed in a process similar to teething when they get older, but before that they’re basically baby’s first shank. A nasty natural surprise for any predator looking for an easy meal or any parent who gets too tired to keep track of the pointy bits on their child.

Your horn sign correlates to how many points your birth horns had. Again, no one takes this seriously lest people start catching their death of prophesy. But since horn points are the way that many parents initially tell kits apart in litters where they look very similar, it’s fun to joke about.

The Horn Suite

1 The Cut Worm: luck, brushes with disaster, and hope. This sign is very rare because to qualify for it you would either have a second horn so small that it’s just a bump on the skull under the skin, or you wouldn’t be born with a second horn at all. While the odd super stubby horn shows up once in a blue moon, missing either horn completely is a sign that the kit is missing pieces of skull, which makes this birth defect life threatening at best.

Some see the Worm as the simple ‘dodged a bullet’ sign and think of it as a totally positive symbol of natural good luck/perseverance. And it can be! But dodging a bullet still means you had to get shot at in the first place, and it doesn’t mean other less fatal bullets don’t hit. Bullets have a tendency to travel in packs. This makes the Worm a complicated sign. It is scars and struggle and survivor’s guilt, but also joy and absolute cussedness when it comes to comes to life. If the universe wants them dead then it can come over and do it itself. Oooh~ you gonna let biology try to do your dirty work? Fuckin’ coward.

2 The Message: curiosity, knowledge, and questions about yourself. Message signs are very introspective. And outrospective. Just spective all over really. What are you willing to do to obtain knowledge? How free you are with information in general? Do you keep all thoughts to yourself? Do you gossip constantly? How good are you at reining in your curiosity? Would it literally kill you to mind your own business?

3 The Sea Hare: seeking and accepting the truth no matter how weird. These signs are believers, dreamers, and realists all at once. The vaguest sign. Weird things always seem to happen to them. Or maybe it’s not that weird things are always happening to them but that they notice and accept the weird things that happen to everyone else as real instead of brushing it off as dreams or tricks of the light. They hate liars or people who embellish facts for whatever reason because they believe that truth is always stranger and more interesting than fiction.

4 The Cocoon: change and liminality. The world is an ever shifting mess and Cocoon signs are more apt to revel in and pay attention to the strange in between spaces. These rabbits are always on journeys. Physical, intellectual, spiritual, whatever, what many would consider destinations end up be rest stops for them before they wander back into the liminal spaces that call to them.

5 The Pepper: navigating risk for personal pleasure. Will this plant get you super high or kill you? Is this person dangerous or just exciting? Are the odds in your favor? Let’s find out. Pepper signs are willing to at least entertain the ideas for a lot of risky business if they think something wonderful can come from it. The ‘take chances, make mistakes, and get messy!’ sign. Their level of common sense usually determines life expectancy (which is true for all creatures but ESPECIALLY these rabbits good lord).

6 The Fungi: personal relationships and connection. Fungi signs are always seeking real connection. If they like you and you show them love and or respect they’re ride or die for you. Good at reading people and figuring out what makes them tick, they can either be the important connective tissue in any community or manipulators who can woo anyone to their side. Depends on how much of an asshole they are.

7 The Hawk Pyre: healing and cycles. When a hawk dies, it burns and burns until there’s nothing but ash and a tiny egg. Rabbits believe this cycle happens endlessly, that the same hawks have had endless lives in endless cycles since hawks turned up in the world. Rabbits under the Hawk sign are very in tune with the cycles of the world. The cycle of seasons, aging, crops, mistakes, fashion, abuse, ect, it’s all patterns. Patterns that they’re good at spotting, flowing with, and breaking. Need someone to help you get your life back together after a tragedy or give pretty good weather forecasts? Ask a Hawk sign! Or don’t, because none of this is real.

8 The Lantern: knowing what is actually worth spending time being worried about. Not everything in the dark is a monster, but that doesn’t mean warning signs are to be ignored. Lantern signs are good at reading situations, especially when it comes to danger and opportunity. They’re good advisers and listeners, able to make connections easily and take many things into consideration at once. Rabbits joke that good warren leaders are usually Lanterns and shitty ones have had their candles blown out long ago.

The Void (2 of these): either something is horribly wrong or everything is fine. I don’t have to explain which card means what, that’s obvious right? Right?

#rabbits of downtrodden #carot cards #the horn suite #long post

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bookofmirth · 3 years

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Az, Gwyn, and power

Something I’ve seen going around a lot lately, in the past couple of months, is that if Azriel and Gwyn were to enter into a relationship, it would be unequal or imbalanced, basically that Azriel has more power than Gwyn and so it would make for a potentially... bad (? definition tbd) relationship.

I’ve already explained why the theory about Elain not knowing how the bond works makes her look like either stupid, or ignorant, or supremely passive. I’m assuming that is not the intention of the stans.

Now lemme explain why this interpretation, of a gwynriel relationship being inherently imbalanced and problematic for being so, would make Azriel look like an asshole.

I keep seeing people saying “because this person has power and this person doesn’t, this thing is bad”. No. That’s not how it works. Power is much more complex and nuanced than that, and it depends on how the individual decides to wield it. There are multiple ways that someone can gain, retain, and use power. Some have more access than others, for different reasons. However, it is not inevitable that those with more power will exploit those with less.

In the post about power I mentioned Rhys, and he is a great example of why having power isn’t necessarily a bad thing for everyone around him. The only thing that keeps Rhys from literally every sort of privilege is that he is half Illyrian. Other than that, he has everything going for him. However, he rarely, if ever, takes advantage of his power to the detriment of others. We could probably argue about why this is or isn’t true and to what extent, but the point is that we have other examples of similar fae - Beron - who wield the same types of power and do not gaf about anyone else. Rhys intentionally allows the IC to have a voice in what happens in the NC, he listens to them, he takes their advice, and sometimes he does a shitty job but he tries to avoid ruling with an iron fist.

Back to gwynriel.

So the idea that Gwyn and Azriel cannot be equals in a relationship initially came from the idea that Gwyn is, somehow, at 28 years old, mentally and emotionally a child. We know that this is NOT true. It has been confirmed by the writer, who did hear explanation of the different rates at which fae age. So her denial that Gwyn is a child was not out of context. She knew what people were thinking.

However, there are still issues that people bring up regarding Gwyn being a priestess and Azriel being the spymaster. But let’s be clear about who Gwyn and Azriel are:

Gwyn is a priestesses. She is not a nun. She spends her time learning and aiding others in that pursuit.

She protected children when her temple was under attack.

Gwyn is Carynthian. One of the only two women in history to earn that distinction. That accomplishment took intelligence, cunning, cooperation, and strength.

Gwyn is mostly High Fae.

Gwyn is a SA survivor.

Azriel rescued her.

Azriel is a spymaster.

Azriel is also Carynthian.

He is part Illyrian.

Azriel’s role in the library is not “supervisor”. He is not their camp counselor. He is not their authority figure. He brings women to the library who have been victimized, and then he leaves.

The two people who are actually in charge of the library and its citizens safety are Morrigan and Rhysand.

Combining all those facts with Gwyn’s age, Gwyn is not Azriel’s inferior in any way. No matter which way you look at it, there is nothing about Azriel that inherently puts him in a position to abuse his power.

She is also not his inferior in terms of maturity (while I can see that being an argument, it would need to be equally applied to nessian, feysand, elucien, e*riel, etc.... and it’s not. Unless an sjm anti is reading this, then yeah, I can see them making that argument.)

So let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that Azriel does hold a position of authority over Gwyn. He doesn’t, but let’s just pretend that these arguments are actually valid. If - if - Gwyn and Azriel were problematic as a relationship because of some power imbalance, then it stands to reason that that ship is problematic because Azriel is the type of person to exploit that imbalance.

Is that what y’all were going for when you try to say that gwynriel makes you feel uncomfortable??? Doubt it.

One last point about my list above - if y’all think that the fact that Azriel rescued Gwyn means that he can only see her that way, that he can only see her as an SA survivor and can never see beyond that, fails to recognize her growth and strength, even though he helped her to complete the Blood Rite Qualifier... again, that doesn’t say great things about Azriel (and maybe doesn’t say great things about people who would make that argument, since people are not defined by their trauma!)

I have seen (maybe? maybe I imagined this) a comparison between Azriel and Gwyn that he’s like... a teacher, and she’s the student, to explain why they are not an appropriate ship. The big problem with a teacher/student relationship is that the student in the scenario feels like they cannot say no. Your teacher is an authority, they are more mature, more knowledgeable, they have influence over whether you pass a class and get a good grade, they can tell your parents if you have been behaved or completing your work, etc. There are a lot of ways that a teacher can punish a student for not doing what they want. This is why those relationships are always frowned upon - it’s big dubcon territory, if not straight up noncon.

However, again, Gwyn is participating in the Valkyrie training voluntarily. She lives at the library voluntarily. She is a priestess voluntarily. There is nothing that Azriel can do to Gwyn that would force her to comply with what he wants. Gwyn can tell Azriel to fuck off, to go choke, to eat dust, to go jerk off, and... nothing would happen. He would probably stop hanging around as much, but that’s... it. He has no actual power over her in the sense of being an authority figure or being in control of her life in any way.

Something that I almost put in that original post but didn’t because it was besides the point at the time, was that there are always power differences. People will always have differing levels of access to privilege and power. That does NOT mean that people can and must only ever be in relationships with people of similar levels or power/privilege. In that post I mentioned how feylin didn’t work out because Tamlin had so much access and Feyre had none - to compound this problem, he allowed her access to none. He did nothing to try to even the playing field, to educate or empower her. That’s what made it a problem.

So do y’all think that Azriel would be like Beron? Someone willing to take the privilege he has and wield it over someone else like a cudgel? Or is he more like Rhys? Aware of his position and working to support - not manipulate - others? Because even if we were to accept the premise that there is a problematic power imbalance between Azriel and Gwyn, the only reason we should be uncomfortable with that is if we think that Azriel is the type of person who would exploit that imbalance.

#azriel #gwyneth berdara #gwynriel #acosf #acotar #acotar meta #power #i hope this made sense #i still feel like i'm getting my thoughts about it in order #jfc this got longer than I intended

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soulonoscopys · 2 years

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What do you think about a possible borderline diagnosis to Dean?

Thank you so much for your question!! ✨

I'm so sorry for the long answer, you can skip to the conclusion if you like. I TRY HARD NOT TO GET CARRIED AWAY, but alas.

Disclaimer: I am not a professional. What I know is based purely on my own research and reading. I am in no way qualified to diagnose anyone. Since this is a fictional character, I am indulging for the sake of discourse. (Feel free to correct me on anything!)

This is the definition of borderline personality disorder (BPD), according to APA.

According to DSM-IV, there are 9 criteria for BPD. I’ll go through each one and see if Dean’s behavior or personality ‘fits’ here. To be diagnosed with BPD, at least 5 symptoms should be present.

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

Dean has always had an intense fear of abandonment, which is probably a consequence of losing Mary at a young age and dealing with a neglecting father. Dean goes to great lengths not to lose the people around him, and he is almost dependent on his family. He views it as a personal betrayal that Sam left for Stanford. In 01.21, he says to Sam: “the three of us, that’s all I have”. He becomes reckless when he fears he is losing someone close to him, which I’ll touch upon later. He also becomes very defensive and angry when he does feel betrayed, and he has an ‘us’ or ‘them’ mentality. When Mary joins the BMoL, it’s very much either us or them. If you’re not with us, then you’re betraying us, basically.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Dean’s relationships are quite intense, Sam being one of the most intense. One example is when his view of his 'perfect brother' was shattered due to the demon blood scenario, and this sends him into a tough spiral. His relationship with both John and Mary has for most of his life consisted of extreme idealization, which he later had to dismantle. Dean also has quite a trouble expressing himself in interpersonal relationships, especially admitting when is in the wrong (letting Gadreel possess Sam, blaming Cas for Mary’s death). And again, he holds this "all or nothing" mentality of either 'us' or 'them'.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Dean’s sense of self is very unstable from the get-go. Due to his insecure attachment style, he views himself as not worthy unless he is of service to others. He also has a very low opinion of himself. Like Crowley said in 09.11, no one hates Dean Winchester more than he hates himself. He doesn’t believe he deserves good things (much less a good life). Castiel reflects this when he says in 4.01: “You don’t think you deserve to be saved”

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

Dean does have some reckless behavior tendencies, which he leans into even more at times of stress, for example, excessive drinking and sex. I would also say excessive hunting (though this goes for both Winchester boys). Dean’s “I need to punch something” every time he is hurting emotionally, like when Mary leaves them or Cas dies.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

Dean has a habit of throwing himself recklessly in situations where he could die, without a thought of the consequences. This is heightened when his fear of abandonment kicks in, and especially when he has lost a loved one. Some famous examples would be in the cabin episode in 11.10 when he thinks Sam is dead. Another one would be after Cas’ death, he punches his hand in anguish in 13.01. He also has a habit of having an explosive anger in later seasons when the stress is getting to him, like threatening Kaia with a gun in 13.09.

Like Sam says in 14.12, “no rest for the self-destructive”

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

I wouldn’t say Dean is incredibly moody, although he has the tendency to become incredibly irritable at small inconveniences. His emotional reactions are also quite intense.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Dean does feel empty from time to time, but I wouldn’t label it as a ‘chronic’ feeling. We do see that after hell, he feels empty, which Famine remarks on in 5.14: “You’re dead inside.” In S7, he’s struggling to even care about his own life or hunting. However, he does find meaning in hunting after purgatory, and later settles down in the bunker as well. He’s empty in SE13 after Cas’ death but is almost ‘revived’ when Cas is back.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

This one is straightforward. But interestingly, this is not early seasons Dean, this is not pre-hell Dean. Later-seasons Dean has an intense anger that everyone around him is aware of. He admits this himself in 15.09 when he's apologising to Cas in purgatory, and that he can’t control this anger

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Maybe someone has noticed moments, but I wouldn’t say this applies very well to Dean.

Out of the 9 symptoms, I would say Dean could score high on 5 of them (which excludes extreme mood swings, chronic emptiness and dissociation).

Does this mean Dean Winchester has BPD?

It’s difficult to try to see what symptoms apply to Dean without taking his environment into account - because his circumstances and lifestyle is extreme. He goes through constant traumatic events over the course of the show. However, I do find that even by taking this into account, other hunters (like Sam) or other characters (like Cas) who are living in the world Dean is living in with similar experiences, do find his anger explosive and his “all or nothing” and fear of abandonment extreme. Sam says so in 9.13, “You can't stand the thought of being alone.” And yet, I still find it important to point out that some of the symptoms Dean displays (‘suicidal behavior’, 'unstable self-image', ‘reckless behavior’) are often caused by external traumatic forces.

I found this in my notes from last semester: "borderline personality disorder can be due to poor attachment relationships in childhood (Kerneberg, 1975)". I’ve touched upon what I think Dean’s attachment style is here, but coming back to it, it does also make sense that the behavior typical to Dean’s attachment style will correlate with the symptoms of BPD.

Although there are signs that point to Dean having BPD, he also shows growth and change in the symptoms over the seasons. He starts to understand that Mary is her own person, and that taking space from him does not equal abandoning him. He starts to understand that Sam can make a choice to join the BMoL, and not betray him. His relationship with Bobby and Charlie is not marked by intensity, and he has stable and secure attachments to both of them. And when Dean becomes excessive in drinking or hunting, it is often due to traumatic events. He is not reckless with his body on a casual day, and nor does he feel constantly empty. I would argue that in 14.13 when he says “I’m good with who I am”, he is actually displaying stability in his self-image.

The next thing I want to mention that I find is super important: Mental illnesses are more dimensional than categorical, which is to say that there is a spectrum. According to the evidence and arguments so far, I find Dean to be on the spectrum closer to BPD - that’s a hard yes.

So, my conclusion is:

Dean Winchester portrays several symptoms of BPD. Whether this is due to a correlation of having an insecure attachment style or not. Although, he also shows growth in mentality and behavior on some of the symptoms. Nonetheless, he seems to be on the spectrum closer to BPD.

#I'd love to see others' thoughts on this #dean with BPD makes so sense #makes sense if a person with BPD can relate strongly to Dean #dean winchester #spn meta #my attempt at being articulate #squirrel meta #supernatural #spn #edited to add the line thingy #still figuring tumblr out sigh #dean analysis #ask #dean winchester meta

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sazandorable · 4 years

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About moderating and banning content on AO3!

Okay so! I haven’t had the spoons to do this for a while but I cracked and ranted about it on twitter which is... not... conducive to long rants, so!

This is a h u g e discussion part of the l o n g history that led to the creation of AO3, which older, more informed, and more articulate people have talked about at length and can be found around if you look (I reblog some of it in my AO3 and fandom history tags for the curious). So I won’t go into that here, nor into the practical reasons why it’s not even possible to put that system in place anyway.

Arbitrarily, or the purpose of this post, because it’s the biggest topic I’ve seen brought up lately, I’ll be talking about fic depicting underage characters in se*ual situations, but honestly I could hold the exact same conversation on literally any controversial content.

This is about why you, specifically, if you are a content creator and especially if you are marginalised and especially if you are queer and especially especially if you are sensitive to fiction depicting certain things... do not, actually, want a banning system on AO3.

What? Of course we do. There’s a lot of p*do shit on AO3 and p*do shit is gross. No one should condone that, wtf? It would be easy to do — just periodically delete the entire Underage tag!

What will happen if that is done is that people will re-upload and continue to write it, they’ll just stop tagging and you will run into it with zero warning nor ability to filter it out. Again, this is not a theoretical — we know this is what happens. When I was a teen, adult content (all adult content) was not allowed on FF.NET; it was everywhere regardless, and without tags. The exact same thing happened on tumblr when adult content was banned as well. It’s not a matter of “staff not handling it well” — it just doesn’t work.

To keep safe the people who need to be able to exclude that tag, that tag needs to exist and be used.

Well, shucks. A reporting system then?

A reporting system would operate in one of two ways:

-an algorithm, which would delete a lot of stuff we wouldn’t want it to delete.

-humans, which is... the bigger problem.

An algorithm sounds great. We do want it to delete everything.

Okay. What about the daddy k*nk fics between consenting adult characters? What about the fics featuring characters that are children in the canon but are adults in the fic? What about the fics about teenagers exploring their se*uality together, written by adults about the experiences they remember having or wish they could have had? What about the thousands of SasuNaru and Drarry and other shounen and YA fics that will get written, by teens or by people who remember being teens? What about the se*ually explicit fic written by teens who are se*ually active in real life? What about the fics about CSA as trauma, about healing from it? What about the fics written by survivors of CSA to cope about their trauma? What about the fics that clearly show that it’s evil and traumatic? What about the super dark, harrowing, but beautiful and artistic that I’m glad I read even though it fucked me up for days? What about the ones that were really shitty but also horribly hot?

Well, some of these are still not okay, but maybe some might be. It depends on how it’s written. We’ll have humans moderating content and deciding, then.

Okay.

The thing is, I don’t know which of the things I just listed were okay for you to be depicted in fiction and which were too much. Odds are I don’t agree with you. Odds are if I asked 10 people randomly picked off the street, not everyone would agree.

Odds are, even if AO3 arbitrarily decided on which of those are allowed and which are not, you would not agree with their choice, and you would still be unhappy with the decision. (Or you would be happy, but your friends wouldn’t.)

Odds are, different AO3 content moderators might not agree on whether a given fic qualifies or not — is it artistic enough? Does it show enough that these actions are evil and wrong? Can the author prove they’re a teenager? Can the author prove they are a CSA victim? Can the author prove that this is to help them cope with their trauma? The author seem to be functioning alright, they mustn’t really be traumatised!

You know what I mean! There’s absolute, objectively gross shit out there that is not artistic and should not be published.

I agree that there’s vile stuff out there that makes me sick and that I think is very clearly just ped*philic trash. But there is no way to, 1) stop those from getting published anyway, 2) take those down and preserve the safety of everything else.

If we start forbidding some things, there’s two ways to go about it.

One single, clear, arbitrary rule — for instance, absolutely no adult content featuring characters under 18 (leaving aside the fact that this would not even work for the reason cited above). So we lose all the stuff from teenagers, all the coming of age stories about adolescence, all the stuff from CSA survivors; people who need to write it can’t publish it anymore, and people who need to read it can’t anymore either (and as a cool bonus, they’re told it’s wrong and made to feel bad about it). Depending on whether the rules applies to characters that are under 18 in the canon, we lose entire fandoms.

Or, subjective moderation by humans, according to what they estimate to be gross.

Let’s assume all moderators can agree on what’s gross or not.

If there is a system in place to ban some underage works because “gross shit”, then that means other gross stuff can be taken down on account of being gross and harmful.

Yeah! Gross stuff should be taken down! Come on, surely everyone agrees on what’s gross and harmful.

Ah.

But the problem is.

Here is a list of things I have seen — with my eyes seen — called harmful to be depicted in fiction:

Murder

Non-con

Inc*st

Cannibalism

Torture

Self-harm

Mental illness

Drugs

Racism

K*nk

Non-negotiated k*nk, but healthy k*nk is ok

Spanking k*nk

BDSM where the woman is a bottom, but woman top is ok

Healthy depictions of BDSM

Unhealthy depictions of BDSM

Queer people doing bad things

Abusive relationships

Rival/Enemies to lovers

Redemption stories

A happy relationship between a 17 yo and an 18 yo

A happy relationship between a 20 yo and a 60 yo

A happy relationship between a boss and their employee, or a college teacher and a student

A happy relationship between a 14 yo boy and an older teenage boy, because that’s reminiscent of older men preying on younger gay boys IRL

Se*ual content featuring a character whose age is unclear in canon and some people headcanon them as being underage, some as being a young adult

Loving, consensual fluff between characters that are evil villains, because it romanticises them and their actions

Dark content shipping female characters

Fluffy content shipping female characters, because it’s misogynistic to act like lesbians are only soft all the time

Consensual s*x featuring a canonically asexual character, because it implies that all aces can and should still have se*

Fics about the same canonically asexual character hating s*x, because that erases the experience of s*x-positive aces

Shipping a character who is perceived by some fans as queer-coded with a character of a different s*x

The tendency to ship a black character with white characters

Fluffy drunk s*x, because that’s not actually consensual

Sleep s*x, because that’s not actually consensual

Trans characters not experiencing dysphoria, because that idealises the trans experience

Consensual s*x between adults that are not married

LGBT+ content, because kids shouldn’t see that.

I guarantee you: you, I, and 10 random people plucked from the street will not agree on what, in that list, is and isn’t okay to publish and consume fiction of.

So why should your taste be the one followed? Why should it be the taste of mods you don’t know? Why should anyone get to dictate? What if the mods think your OTP is gross and your NOTP is fine?

This is the slippery slope argument.

Yes, it is the slippery slope argument. Because we know it happens. Because we’ve been there, because I’ve seen it happen myself twice already and I’m not even thirty. Because we know people do complain loudly about all of these things.

And because the second there is a banning system in place, assholes will use the system to abuse it and get stuff they just don’t like taken down using the “it is gross” argument, and one day you’ll wake up and the beautiful fic that helped you come to terms with your abuse/trauma/identity/orientation/k*nk for feet will be taken down and wonderful vulnerable creative people will have been harassed out of fandom because they argued with 1 person who didn’t like their foot k*nk fic that happened to also feature, for instance, a CSA trauma backstory.

Again: not exaggerating. Not theoretical. It happens, we know it happens, AO3 was created literally because it happens.

I still fucking hate that stuff.

That is completely fine and normal. No one likes everything. Me too! Most of the dark stuff is niche and the creators know only few people will like it the same way they do.

(For the record, I get grossed out and triggered by fics about an asexual character who does not like s*x having s*x with their partner to make them happy. Deep in my gut everything screams that that’s fucked up, terrifying and harmful, how can people write that. But I recognise that there are people who love and need that, and I leave those people and their content alone.

OTOH, I read a lot of otherwise dark shit and I enjoy it in the same way I enjoyed, say, Hannibal, in the same way some people enjoy true crime documentaries, horror movies or r*pe fantasy k*nk. It helps me explore stuff that I like to see in fiction, in a safe, controlled way. I’m also asexual, 90% s*x-repulsed IRL, and, obviously, I would never abuse a child. For that matter, I wouldn’t kill and eat people, either, nor would I do 90% of the tamer k*nky stuff I read.

Of course, Hannibal was fucked up and lots of people probably think Hannibal was gross and should not have been aired — but as exemplified by the fact that it was created, aired and watched, lots of people thought it was fine, interesting and even fun to watch.)

You can and should curate your experience and protect yourself. The AO3 website now allows you to exclude certain tags, and people have developed tools to help with that such as plugins that save your filters or hide fics that contain certain words.

But no, it isn’t going to, and it shouldn’t, get banned.

#ao3 #fandom history #aaaaand that's all im going to tag

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ladyloveandjustice · 3 years

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Spring 2021 anime overview: Quick Takes

Now for my Spring 2021 anime thoughts! I’ve decided from now on if a season’s like, 20- to-24 episodes I’m just going to wait ‘til it’s done to review it unless I feels super passionately, so though I watched To Your Eternity (it’s good!) and MHA (eh), I’ll comment on them next time. Also, for the record, I watched the first eight eps of Joran: Princess and Snow of Blood but I dropped it because it had clearly crossed the line from entertainingly dumb to boring dumb.

I will probably give Supercub and some other stuff a shot later, this was a stacked season! May give updates on all that later, but this is what I have for now.

ODDTAXI

Quick Summary: A mild mannered middle-aged walrus taxi driver is drawn into a case involving a missing girl, yakuza, Youtube clout-chasers, manzai comedians and idols with big secrets.

It’s rare to walk away from media and be like “that is a singular experience I will definitely never see repeated again” but ODDTAXI is definitely one of those. A tense noir thriller murder mystery starring cartoon animals that spends an entire episode detailing the one (cat)man’s very fall into darkness triggered by addiction to gacha games and an online auction for a novelty eraser? Also there’s a porcupine Yakuza who speaks entirely in rap? Also there’s tons of meandering conversations about stuff like manzai comedy and the struggle to go viral on Twitter?

Admittedly, I had a hard time getting into the first episode, the dry meandering humor not being enough to hold my attention while I was sitting still, but once I watched this while I was working out at the end of the season, I found it an easy binge. A ton of characters with dark secrets or dangerous ambitions, each with their own part to play in a tableau of intersecting events- and it all actually comes together really well.(As for the female characters, it’s a pretty dude driven story, but they do get nuanced characterization and even some good heroic moments from one of them.)

It’s a great example of a carefully planned narrative paying off, with all the twists appropriately seeded and foreshadowed to reward viewers who paid attention. Even when it ended on a perfect “OH SHIT” moment and denied me closure, I couldn’t help but respect it. If you that all sounds interesting to you, definitely check out the first couple episodes and see if you like it- you’re likely to have a memorable, satisfying experience!

Shadows House

Quick Summary: Emilyko is a ‘living doll’ who’s told she was created to act as the ‘face’ of her shadow master, Kate. The shadows and their ‘dolls’ all reside on the mansion and are required to pass a ‘debut’ to prove they’re a good pairing. If they don’t pass, they might be disposed of. And so the mystery of the Shadow mansion grows...

This slice of gothic intrigue was my favorite of the season, tied with ODDTAXI. With an interesting premise, slightly tense undertones and a strong focus on character building and relationships, it kept me hooked the whole way through. And for any squeamish fans put off by the hype about it, don’t worry, while there are some suspenseful elements, I wouldn’t qualify it as horror. I thought the relationship between Kate and Emilyko might end up being a completely sinister one, but it’s thankfully a lot more complex than that and it’s really interesting to follow how both their characters and relationship grow. The focus of the show is, unsurprisingly, on the “dolls” slowly discovering their autonomy and personhood as they struggle under the rigid system imposed on them by the mysterious elders of this weird Victorian mansion. Can they develop a more equitable relationship with their shadow “masters” (who are also shown to suffer under this system)? There’s a lot to dig into there, and the show has the characters develop through learning to understand and appreciate each other, which is pretty heartwarming. Our hero, Emilyko, is the typical plucky ball of sunshine (they even nickname her sunshine), but she’s also shown to be clever in her own off-the-wall way and she bounces off the far more subdued and cynical Kate well, not to mention the other ‘dolls’ she ends up befriending.

What’s more, the show spends plenty of time to developing several other character pairings and combinations, and they all have their own interesting dynamic that makes you want to see more of them. Same-gender bonds are at the forefront of this show, and many of them are ripe for queer readings (I definitely appreciated the healthy helping of ladies carrying ladies), but even outside that it’s nice to see a show where a strong, complex bond between girls is at the forefront. My only real complaints about the show are the anime original ending is noticeably a bit rushed (though it’s not too bad, and leaves room for a season 2) and I wish the animation used the whole “shadow” theme more strikingly (like the opening and endings do)- instead the colors are a bit washed out which makes the shadows blend into the background sometimes. The “debut” arc also drags a bit in places, but it makes up for it by having a lot of good character integration.

I hope to check out the (full color)! manga soon and see more of this quirky, shadowy story. There’s some physical abuse depicted, sad things happening to characters and naturally the whole “oppressive familial system” thing, but otherwise not much I can think of to warn about. I give this one a big rec, especially If you’re a fan of gothic fairytales and stories of self discovery.

Zombie Land Saga Revenge

Quickest summary: In this sequel season, everyone’s favorite zombie idol group must claw their way back into prominence after a disastrous show- the fate of the Saga prefecture LITERALLY depends on it!

This was a fun follow-up to the first season- if you liked the first zombie-girl romp, you’ll probably enjoy this one. In fact, there were a couple areas it improved on- namely, Kotaro failed, ate crow and embarrassed himself a lot more this season, which made him more likeable (as did the fact the girls gained a lot of independence from him). This season also shed more light on what the ‘goal’ of this zombie raising project is and what kind of shit Kotaro got involved with to make this happen, and it’s appropriately off-the-wall and ridiculous. We finally got some backstory for Yugiri too! I wish it had focused on more of her interiority, but she got to be a badass in it, and it was a treat to see this zombie idol show turn into a period piece for a couple episodes (also her song ruled).

Tae also got a cute focus episode and there was a particular SMASHING performance early on! Also That revelation last season that had the potential to turn creepy hasn’t yet, and hopefully never will. The finale was heartwarming with big hints of more drama to come- I’m definitely down for more zombie hijinks!

Vivy: Flourite Eye’s Song

Quickest Summary: A songstress AI named DIVA (nicknamed Vivy) is approached by another AI named Matsumoto, who says he’s from the future and they must work together to prevent AI exterminating all of humankind 100 years from now.

This show is absolutely gorgeous visually with some really nice action scenes, but when it comes to the story my feelings basically amount to a shrug. It’s fine! I guess! Vivy starts out as an interesting layered character- and I guess still is by the end- with her stoic but stubborn determination bouncing off her fast-talking bossy partner Matsumoto well. She never listens to him, which is delightful. The way the show took place over the course of 100 years was an interesting conceit as well. However, it bought up a lot of themes and then sort of... dropped them. For instance, Vivy interprets her mission (PRIME DIRECTIVE if you will) as protecting humans at all costs, no matter how destructive said humans are or what their fate is supposed to be, and is perfectly willing to murder her fellow androids to do this, showing she inherently thinks of androids (herself and her own people!) as less worthy. Which is a little alarming! There’s a very dramatic point in the show where they bring this up as a potential conflict for her character but then it’s sort of...dropped. Pretty much.

Actually, despite the premise, the show doesn’t dip into the “AI rights” as much as you think it would with the main theme being more about Vivy’s search to find her own creativity and discover what it means to ‘pour your heart into something’. Vivy herself doesn’t actually care if she has rights or anything. Which is in some ways fine, because ‘AI as an oppressed class’ has been done to death, but IT’S ALSO KIND OF IN THE PREMISE, so that means that the show just shrugs really hard at a lot of the questions it brings up basically just going “humans and AI should work together probably” and that’s it. There’s a lot that feels underexplored. The antagonists in the show also either have motivations that don’t really make sense or have boring hackneyed motivations. In the finale in particular, it feels like a lot of things happen “just because” and it falls a little flat.

I also have to warn that one of the arcs focus on a robot ‘pairing’ where the dude-coded robots actions toward his partner are straight up awful and rob her of her autonomy, but it’s played like a tragic love story. I suppose you could read it differently too, but it definitely made me go ‘ew’ the story seemed to want me to sympathize with this robo dude,

Overall, I wouldn’t anti-recommend this show, it’s an all right little sci-fic romp (and definitely SUPER pretty). My favorite element was definitely the episodes where Vivy develops an entirely new (an loveable) personality, because it played with the idea of of an AI getting “rebooted” really well and interplay between her two “selves” was done really well. But there are a lot of other parts of the show that just feel...a little underexplored and empty, making me have an ‘eh’ feeling on the show overall. It’s definitely an ambitious project, and while it didn’t quite stick the landing, there’s something to be said for a show that shoots for the stars and falls short over a show that just languishes in mediocrity.

Fruits Basket The Final

Quick summary: The final season of that dramatic drama about that weird family with a zodiac curse and the girl who loves them.

It’s very weird that after not cutting a lot out, they kinda sped through some material for, you know, the finale. I guess they thought they couldn’t stretch this final arc to 26 episodes? Or weren’t cleared for another double cour? However, though there were a couple places that felt awkward, despite being a bit condensed it mostly held together pretty well for a D R A M A T I C and ultimately heartwarming conclusion. I was really disappointed they kept the part where Ritsu cut their hair for the ‘happy ending’, I thought their intro episode not showing them in men’s clothes meant the anime had decided their presentation didn’t need to be “fixed” but WELL I GUESS NOT. That was the only big upset for me though, otherwise the adaptation went about how I expected, sticking to the source material. Furuba has a lot of bumps, from weird age gap stuff to ...gender, but it also has a lot of important feels and great character arcs. It was a gateway shoujo for many and has its important place in animanga history, so I’m glad it finally got a shiny, full adaptation.

#anime overview #spring 2021 anime #shadows house #oddtaxi #zombie land saga #fruits basket #vivy: fluorite eye's song #zombie land saga revenge #fruits basket the final #anime #my reviews #long post

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