#then my fucking brain is like im so sad im so lonely i should talk to someone. but not anyone

[saaski]

i wish i wasn't so clingy with some people and so distant with others and so desperate with everyone

[x-galactic-star-x]

i just imagine a small idea with Cayde

this is gonna be a little messy but bear with me

also this is gonna be sad so just saying

mention of dying

Stuck together

lets say, you are dying. you followed Cayde wven tho you dont have a light as he had to got to the one place where exos are born and broken.

he went with Banshee to discover sometging and you sneaked after them.

they got surprise Vex attacked and cause they didnt tought that you were there they didnt planned to hwar someone beinf shot at and injured badly.

you are no guardian, you dont have any other chance, or resurect. you have one life.

he hated this. he was actually mad at you but the worry was stronfer as he held you.

Banshee evwn as he was forgetful he kbow what he doing most of the time, as he told them there is a chance to save you.

you might not like it but there is no time to loose.

as they ran around the place Banshee found the machine that could help.. but the problem is, there isnt any functional shall nearby and the closes to them might be way too far and it would be too late to get.

while you are slowly loosing sight and concousness Cayde lied you down on the table..

then everything went dark with the voice of Cayde and Banshee yelling..

suddenly you wake up.. gasping. . where are you? what happene? why is it so cold? is it cold? warm? you dont know and as you looked around you saw a guy with spikes on his head.. it feels like you know him.. he's talking to you.

he telling you to breath.. breath? ok ok breath.. but then you looked down.

wait

this isnt your legs.. you slowly turn around and saw.. you.. on the table.. with weird helmet with a lot of vires on your head.

but.. what? you look down and you slowly realize..

"CAYDE?? WHAT? What happened to me??!?" you shouted in a panic as Banshee tried to calm you down.

"kiddo i need you to listen to me-"

he tried but cling to your gear.. Cayde's gear.. fuck how did this happened??

"Hey hey hey. listen to me sweetheart-" you gasped as you backes away into the corner of the room and curled up in a ball. you can hear Cayde..

"Listen... its all right ok? Banshee have everything under control. we managed to save you, ok?" he spoke in your head as you tried to catch your breath.. even tho you dont exactly need it anymore but its a comfort..

"listen.. we will fix this we will help you but for now you suck.. with me.. and in my body." you want ro cry.. but you cant ahed tears.. not anymore.. you want him near.. but he is near he's literally with you.. but you want his arms around you... like it was used to be..

"Cayde.. im.. this is wrong.."

"i had to save you somehow.."

"i want you here.."

"im right here."

"you know what i mean."

".. i know sweetheart.. i know.."

you felt your body goes numb as all you can do is watch.. as he took control.

"we'll fix this.. i swear."

______________________

i would say it would be the same as uploading an exo mint to another, and honestly i just imagined that as a human you would be 100% be rly panicky if you are suddenly in the same body as your lover/best friend..

and the lonely feeling about wanting to bw in their arms but you cant.. cause you are in the same body.. but its just not the same.

he wont be able to play with your hair or mess it up like he used to and he cant rly cuddle up with you until you get your own body..

my brain just kept imagining someone else panicing in Cayde body as they freaking out being in his body and controlling it.. like it felt wrong. that its not them.

but anyway, enjoy this idea, i dunno if i should take credit of it cuz im sure someone else tought about this idea already

tootles❤️♠️

[emolooswrld]

The Hate You Give

Pairing: Eddie Munson x reader

Word count: 1.8k

Warnings: slight angst, a hint of unrequited love (not for long tho), mature language, slight mention of bullying, mean!Eddie (don’t worry he fixes himself), that’s pretty much it lmk if i forgot anything!

Note: ahhhhh! this is my first time posting a fan fic. im really insecure about it so please be nice! but also feel free to leave any critiques! i will write a part two if you guys like this one. it’s really short, i know. also this is not proof read.

Eddie Munson. The sour tang that fills ur mouth when his voice registers through ur ears, is unsettling. Eddie Munson had been nothing but cruel to you for the past 3 years. You had no idea why. You had even tried to be his friend, but that was three years ago and you didn’t want to relive that moment.

You could sense his hateful stare on your back from across the cafeteria, something that wasn’t foreign to you. Ever since you moved to Hawkins, Eddie had hated your guts. Why? You had no clue. You had never called him any mean names, only approached him once.

It was sophomore year and your first day at Hawkins High. You had no friends and you were feeling particularly lonely. You watched the boy from your corner of the cafeteria. The way his chocolate brown curls bounced as he got up from his seat. The way his usual puppy dog, doe eyes turned into one’s full of pure anger and hate as he stared down one of the jocks. The way he climbed up on top of his table and screamed at that same jock from across the room. Watching as he made devil horns and stuck out his tongue and made devilish noises. It had made you giggle, you thought he was brave for that.

You hadn’t even realized you had ended up at his table. Your feet had almost carried you there before your brain could process anything. “What do you want?” he barked at you, braking you from your trance. “I-I” you couldn’t even get the right words out. He was so intimidating, but you liked it. “If you came here to make fun of me, you should save your breath.” He looked at you with his big brown eyes, something was behind them but you couldn’t quite tell what it was. “No! I just wanted to say what you did back there was really brave and really cool of you” you finally managed to get out. There was a beat of silence before Eddie was back on his feet, staring you down only inches away from your face. “Yeah well I didn’t do it for you so you can fuck off” the pure hatred in his eyes had caused you to back up and almost run out of the cafeteria, tears welling up in your eyes.

Little did you know, after you left the cafeteria one of the boys at his table had spoken up. “That was really harsh Eddie” it had been Dustin Henderson who had dared to speak up against the dungeon master. “Yeah” Mike Wheeler had agreed, along with all the other boys who sat at Eddie’s table. “She was probably just like the rest of them, if I had indulged she would have just played some stupid fucking joke on me” Eddie had replied with a tint of sadness and regret behind his eyes. “Had she been genuine?” He thought to himself. He was soon filled with nothing but guilt and regret.

Ever since that day, it seemed as though Eddie felt nothing but hatred towards you. Always burning holes in your back with hate-filled daggers from across the room, always whispering hateful things in your ear whenever he could. It had been three years and you had had enough. Usually you returned his snarky comments, giving the same energy back to him. But today was different.

You had already been having a rough day. First, you had gotten in a fight with your parents, over nothing particular, just them being complete and utter assholes to you for no reason. It didn’t end there. Once you got to school, you had over heard some cheerleaders talking about you. Normally, their cruel words wouldn’t have effected you, but today it left you with a bitter taste in your mouth and a heavy heart.

You had made your way to the girls bathroom, only to end up sobbing against the bathroom floor with your head in your hands. God knows how long you were in there before finally getting up and trying your best to fix yourself up in the bathroom mirror. By the time you got to class, you could feel the tears you had tried so hard to push away trying to escape your eyes once more. You hadn’t even realized someone was talking to you until you felt a hand on your shoulder.

You turned to look at whoever was attempting to talk to you. There he was, the last person you wanted to deal with today. Your glossy, red eyes met Eddie’s hate-filled, brown ones. “Damn y/n who’s got you looking like such a mess today?” You only glared at him in response. “Was it Jason? Or was it Andy? Or maybe it was Patrick? Too hard to keep up with all the guys you let between your legs.” Normally, it wouldn’t have bothered you, but the effect his words had on you today was so strong you felt the tears you had tried so hardly to conceal, making their way out of your eyes and down your cheeks. “Fuck you Munson” you had said, grabbing your bag and making your way out of the classroom, completely ignoring your teacher calling your name.

To say Eddie felt bad was an understatement. He felt absolutely horrible. The second he saw the tears in your eyes, his heart sank. Truth is, Eddie didn’t hate you. He actually really liked you, he just didn’t know how to express it. He had never been shown love as a kid, giving that his mother left when he was just a baby and his father never even cared about him in the first place. Wayne had been the only person to ever show him affection. Even then, Eddie had never been able to reciprocate it.

Eddie had thought about you every single day since your first encounter is the cafeteria. He wanted so badly to go back in time and change the way he had acted towards you. But it was too late. So Eddie did the only thing he knew how to. It was easier for him to pretend he hated you than to face the feelings he really felt towards you. But seeing you cry because of him filled Eddie with nothing but regret, guilt, and sadness.

After class was over, Eddie had made it his mission to find you and apologize. It was the least he could do, he thought to himself. After what felt like hours of searching the school with no luck, he was about to give up. Until he heard a door open. He turned around only to be met with the saddest pair of eyes he’d ever seen. Your hair was up in a messy bun with stray strands framing your face. Your cheeks were bright pink while the rest of your face was pale like a ghost. Your eyes were completely bloodshot from crying with bags underneath. Still, Eddie thought you were the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen.

The second you saw Eddie, you turned on your heels and made your way to exit the school. “Y/N wait!” he called after you. You continued to make your way towards the door, his footsteps getting closer and closer behind you. You were halfway to your car before you felt his hand on your shoulder, spinning you around in one swift movement. “What Eddie? If you’re just going to call me a slut or a whore or some other mean name just save it! I’m not dealing with this today.” The genuine pain behind your eyes left Eddie feeling even worse than he did before. “No, you’re not a whore or a slut. I just came to apologize for what I said back there. I crossed the line and I’m really fucking sorry.”

You were taken aback by his sudden apology. Eddie had never apologized for anything he said to you before. The usual hate in his eyes was replaced with worry and concern. His hand was still on your shoulder and you swore it was burning a whole into your skin. After what seemed like hours, you shook his hand off your shoulder and turned to walk away from him. But just like that day in sophomore year, in the cafeteria, your feet had carried you back right in front of him before your brain could even process what was happening. “I have never done anything to you Eddie. I have been nothing but kind to you even though you make my life a living hell every single day! Why? What have I done to make you hate me so much? All I ever wanted was to be friends with you. But you fucked that up just like you fuck up everything else in your life!” The words left your mouth faster than your brain could keep up.

Instant regret filled your head and you were about to walk away until you felt Eddie’s strong hands on your waist, pulling you close to him. Your eyes met his and before you knew it his lips were on yours. You were stunned at first, but eventually you returned the kiss. He tasted like cigarettes and weed, but you didn’t mind. His lips were soft against yours. As cliché as it sounds, it felt as though his lips matched perfectly with yours, like they were meant to meet. The kiss had your toes curling and your brain foggy. You didn’t even realized he had pulled away until you heard him speak.

“I never hated you and I never will. I’m so sorry for everything. I’ve liked you ever since that day you came up to me in the cafeteria. I’m just an idiot and I convinced myself you were playing a joke on me. I couldn’t believe a girl like you could ever possibly like someone like me. I’m so sorry y/n.” You looked up at him in complete and utter shock. Silence filled the parking lot. It wasn’t until you heard birds chirping in the distance that you were brought back into reality. You digested his words and spoke your own.

“I’ve liked you ever since I first saw you in the cafeteria that day in sophomore year Eddie.” You looked up at him, trying to read the look in his eyes. He responded by pulling you close to his chest. One hand on the back of your head and the other placed firmly against your back. He held you like that before speaking again. “I’m so sorry y/n. For everything.” He whispered in your ear. “I forgive you.” You said, pulling away to look him in the eyes. “Can we get out of here and do something? Just us.” You asked, without even thinking. “Of course, I have a few ideas in mind.” Eddie had said with his signature shit-eating grin. And with that, you both made your way to his van, hands intertwined.

[weebsinstash]

block him and don't think too hard about it. it's okay if you feel bad, but keep him blocked. just do it and push it to the back of your mind! definetly a walking red flag cut him off and you'll be good!!

Well like. I keep telling myself "oh, give this dude a chance, maybe he's just extremely socially awkward, maybe he's from another culture and he doesn't realize this is weird" but like. Here

Like uh. Am I talking to an axe murderer or something or does he genuinely not see this as bizarre. This dude dodges questions like Matrix bullets. I'm almost wondering if he's testing how gullible and weak willed i am or something. And guess what 💀 my dumb ass never blocked him bc I brought up he was coming off as really creepy and he apologized and shit but like. This kind of. Reeks of. I dunno. It's very bizarre. Said he liked my name and wanted to see if I wanted to be friends but he said that only after I had to question him so. Now I just feel like if I block him now then I'M the asshole. Which is fucked up right?

Also like even if he wasn't acting sketch as fuck he says he lives in Florida and he's 24 so 1. He's younger than me 2. Florida sucks and 3. We could never meet in person or whatever so idk what his game plan is. I lowkey feel like he's looking for girls to try and get them to send nudes or something. His English is also kind of off to me which doesn't inherently mean anything but idk it just makes me think of phishers and scammers

I would just. Also like to point out. How it just. Is really jumping out to me that my trauma manifests as risking my own safety to placate others. Because I can list so many things wrong with this entire interaction and im sitting here talking about video games with him because I feel guilty to end the conversation 💀 fucking. Stupid ass voice in the back of my head "but what if you block him and hurt his feelings 😥 you don't want to make someone SAD do you"

Like dude if you're seeing this right now this entire thing has given me so much fucking anxiety about randomly talking to people. Straight up the only reason I replied is because of THIS blog and I assumed maybe he knew me from here or ao3 but. Nope! Just homegrown lonely dude randomly hitting me up?

God. God. Fuck. This is actually really starting to piss me of, less now about him even and more about how I can't even. Choose for myself. Protect myself. I dont know. Jesus. Every time I'm about to go through with it I either get a new nice message that makes me feel bad for considering it or. I dunno. I dunno how to even verbalize this. I guess I have a psychological idk THING about being terrified of upsetting people (i guess because my brain instantly correlates someone being angry or upset with the immediate threat of physical violence onto myself, thanks dad)

this is not even like. The only weird message I've ever gotten. I feel bad even talking about it because Im the one having the conversation and letting it continue. I should just try and smoke and sleep soon. I've been working overnight shifts now and when I get off work I just feel too drained to deal with this kind of thing. Idk. Hopefully I make some sort of decision soon so I can at least stop beating myself up over the indecision

[alhl444]

i think the scariest thing about myself is that i am a product of everything that has happened to me. everything life has thrown at me and everything i’ve thrown at myself is why i am here.

here.

i mean i think it’s kind of funny that half of the traumatic events of my life wouldn’t have happened if a bunch of random shit didn’t destroy me in elementary school.

who would I be now?

what would i be doing?

would i be okay?

and i look back at the years past and they keep getting farther away,

it’s like i’m standing in the middle of a desolate street in the middle of a field and it’s raining heavily and i’m running and running and running and running and i don’t even know if i’m running to something or running from something.

am i grateful for who i am or am i scared of her?

and i can’t describe this feeling because it’s not just one. it’s this whole plethora of emotions that don’t make sense. because i want to sit in the middle of the very street i’ve been running on and taste the rain and listen to it hit the ground while a song plays in the background and wet hair and maybe just maybe i’ll be at peace.

peace is subjective to even myself though. peace for me would literally be my brain quiet or just nothing. no people to talk to no relationships to maintain.

but i also want to go out and forget about fucking calories and do absolutely everything that terrifies me and do it with the people i love.

if i even really love them.

do they even really love me?

and there’s this heavy, raw feeling i have deep in my bones. i don’t know what the feeling is or if i even want to know.

are we even supposed to understand the things that scare us the most?

and i am a strong believer that no one knows what happiness feels like unless they have experienced true sadness.

i understand that more than a lot of people i think.

speaking as someone who has spent a vast majority of ages 10-13 sad and lonely and just as desolate as the street i run on, i can say that i have enjoyed the few moments of pure happiness that have met my path. those moments of pure lavender flood my senses and make me feel so high like i just took two lines of cocaine and i feel on top of the world and then i slip off the edge of the sphere. and the fall from the highest place in the world is the scariest fall but it’s the one i enjoy the most.

how lucky am i that i have experienced moments so happy that i feel so alone when i am not living them?

and when lavender isn’t around, i make up different versions and i find solace from the same thing i need solace from. i live in those corners of my mind.

maybe someone’s lips touching my own.

a rush i crave simply because i haven’t felt it. and i think it feels so good to imagine the things i’ve never felt.

i imagine myself, older, with a girl or a guy and we are dancing in our kitchen and there are pancakes on the stove and i am content and happy and free and i am fucking okay.

what a dream.

and im running and im running and running and my hands are turning red from the tears i’m bleeding and maybe just maybe this wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

because there’s mascara running down my puffy cheeks and i’m staring up at the gray sky like i’m searching for an answer that i already know is not there.

who am i

what is wrong with me

where is the lavender

and i swear on my life i’m not a masochist and hate my own suffering and my own body and how i love and hate everything about how my existence is a pain and 3 tylenols and how i fucking thrive in that.

and i can’t fucking pick if i’m afraid of living or dying because i lay awake at night terrified that someone will come into my house and kill me but when i run in the road i question if i should move when a car comes speeding towards me.

isn’t that funny.

~

obsessive bitch

(this is one of my more personal ones; give feedback :))

[neverdying-d-e-a-d]

ohgod wjat was that.

hey why do i actively try to burn away and forget my past?

why dont i make an appointment with a therapist already?

i mean

i cant now

what if someone hears me?

...

i n s t i

tu t i o n

a l i z e d

what's that mean?

oh rock music, we're really in it now

okay, its not cool to make portraits of sadness and to self victimize

i dont feel like a victim

i feel like i deserve it all

what

do i mean anything that i write?

i really hope that i don't

or do

eugh

so confusing i'm about to cry

at what point does depression start to become going insane?

is it the same?

eugh..

i mean isnt it insane to want to kill someone? suicidal thoughts?

....

whaaatever.

i have enough love for myself and more

i just wanna talk about the war

._.

it's fucked up

feels redundant to say

but i think im allowed to say obvious things

im allowed to say whatever i want, as long as i think im a good person. right?

sometimes i wish i had parents that taught me to really use my brain

get the thoughts straight

okay

your name is [____ __________]

you feel

uhhh awe shit.

you feel

you feel confused

how are you feeling?

im feeling great.

okay.

your name is [_ _]

you feel

something is wrong

in your head

in the world

in the world

or

no, in your head

or

no, nothings wrong, there is no good or bad or

no, yes there is, you know good from bad.

or, no thats not true wisdom

or, no, thats common knowledge

true wisdom is foolish

or

i always end up knowing nothing

or

um

no, yeah.

your name is ()

you know nothing

you feel light and slightly confused and you feel like if you articulate it well enough you can understand it, you feel convinced

you feel shame remembering that guy feel up your thighs

you feel turned on

noooo you dont. dont kid yourself.

you feel turned on at the idea of you feeling turned on.

you feel basically only real attraction towards yourself

and some men

and

dont tell me youre afraid of women now, too? just because it was a girl what made you so weird as a kid?

point is.

that guy. you liked using him. you wanna hurt him. i honestly dont feel bad about that but i feel like i should

okay, i do

hes a person

so cute too.

but what a rotten little boy

god, its always the lonely emo boys

three times now

ive gotta get scarier, scare them off

no, that. eugh. only attracts them

other boys like boobed people who are non threatening

but those boys...

um

when was the last time you gave one of those boys a real chance? haha.

.

.

.

am i the problem?

sure, why not

....

i dont wanna talk to boys. women. i like women. boys

men and women are basically the same to me i just fear violence and well

....

im not crazy for feeling unsafe around men, am i?

....

i really wish i could ask someone who knows about this

like say, a therapist

eughhh.

im dying

writing is making me feel worse i should go to bed

i dont wanna have a bad dream

but

its okay to do things that scare you

but

it feels different to be in the middle of it all but

but

but

but i live in america

because

because

because my grandfather's editing team are dead

guns bought that ticket

and now im a privileged white british scumbag

living with black mold

maybe thats whats making me feel like this honestly

god i just wanna move somewhere clean

somewhere clean

will this poetry will make me sound insane because it's not beautiful

not worth it to care honestly

i still dont feel better

nono, lets try

im feeling better slowly

yes slowly

quicker now im finally feeling good

no.

im gonna take allergy medication and drop out of college and die on the street

im not really afraid

i dont deserve anything more or less

... right?

[roguestarsailor]

I’m sad! I’m doing exactly what I wanted! I’ve wanted to travel for work, to see how things are done and built and staying at a nice hotel and eating realllllyyy welll. I should be HAPPY! I’m not! I literally feel empty. The guy i like occupies my brain in a BAD WAY especially when I see him interacting with my insta and then separately the friends I thought I made in the city are going to do the things I said I wanted to do without me because it fit their schedule better?? I’m actually really hurt about that.

—

Ok the friend group thing is actually grating on me the most actually. The guy messaged me yesterday and said …soooo is it ok if we just do the bakery tour without you? And I was like ??? I just typed back “just go dude” which he liked and messages the group chat to tell them to go the bakery tour. Mind you, the bakery tour is just US saying we will go to these bakeries to EAT for FUN, it will always be there; no time restriction. My fault for not communicating how irked I was but I’m pissed. Who the fuck does that? I told them I wanted to do this too and the purpose of this is so we can ALL hang out. Out of the entire fucken city, this was the only thing you could do?? I would NEVER exclude someone especially if they explicitly said they wanted to come. (And my schedule isn’t a secret; we all talked about when we’re free and see the overlap). This isn’t that fucken serious but it’s so hurtful!!

And it’s like now I’m sad about it. Im sad that I thought I had found a solid group of friends! In this big city, I thought I found people like me! But no, I don’t like this. He asked about it another time a month or so back. He said that it’s only just one person who can’t do this thing right? So we can all just go without that one person? And I fucken told him. I think we should ALL hang out together because we all collectively wanted to do it.

Maybe I’m feeling extra upset because I don’t have any other friends. I don’t have a partner or anyone else. I just go hang out w my coworkers and work and then go home. We aren’t as tight like that and they don’t seem to want to be. I miss my friends from home and I miss my family and I miss familiarity. It feels like I can only make loose connections and I hate having to introduce myself every fucken time. I hate being alone so much and having to reign in all my thoughts and personality. I want to talk to someone who knows! Just so I don’t have to spend time retelling or repeating stories and details over and over again and not have to live these separate lives.

Yeah I think I made a mistake moving out. It’s so fucken lonely and I can’t seem to find my footing and I can’t seem to figure out how to feel not sad and alone. Isolating myself is not the answer and I swear I’m trying to go out and do things but I feel like miserable company to have around. I keep trying to bring myself out of my head and into the present and it works for a few seconds but the loud mean voices and anxiety overthinking and analyzing comes back in full force.

[sensitivegoblin]

Same anon here, I also wanted to add that your dad is an abusive piece of shit, and looks like the cause for a majority of your negative self image

Hey I appreciate you caring enough to say that

I love my dad and I know he’s trying physically to make things better but verbally and emotionally he just doesn’t care

He’d be mad if he heard me say that because he does care and love me but conversation wise he really doesn’t try, he’s old so he gets to be the way he is basically

Like I LOVE my dad and never want him to leave me, too many people have already…

I just wish he could plug into me and watch and feel how the shit he says to me feels

When I was younger he would drill into me that I shouldn’t watch “bad stuff” cus it’ll get stuck in my brain….okay so knowing that why do you say half of the shit that you do????????

I hate calling him abusive cus he’s autistic like me and never got the treatment that I did and he’s spoiled me to make me happy, and he has a track record of giving his all to an ungreatful family

I’m just…. I’m just literally alone all day with me and my brain cus nothing grabs my attention anymore, so all i hear all day long is him and the things he says and he’s said some fucked up stuff recently (especially something about LGBT+ men that’s been a fucking worm in my brain and I can’t get it out and I don’t like it and I’m scared)

Like I try to explain to him my triggers and he just gets mad that we can’t talk about anything, like wow gee it’s almost like IM the traumatized one and maybe I fucking hate that too???? I know there’s nothing to talk about??? That’s why I wanna die, asshole.

You should hear him tho, he thinks OUTLOUD so everyone dark Unhopeful thought I have is actually timesed by 2

Honestly even more so

Like literally it’s “I’m gonna fucking die here” “I’ll never drum ever again” “things are never gonna get better” “I’m old and dying” it just goes on and on and on and on and on and on….

How am I supposed to be feel anything but hopelessness when that’s all he says?

I wish that I could tell him that for years I was cutting after every fight we had, he probably wouldn’t believe me

But also he’s said before he’d be so mad if I was SHing and that he’d kill me so :)

I know he wouldn’t actually kill me but he’s inferring he’d be extremely mad….

And like in the back of my head constantly I’m like “what if I’ve strayed so far into the world that Satan has made Dad my enemy?”

But like I know it’s not true at the same time not though????

I have a lot of religious baggage and I was ok with it for awhile but ever since my dad got sick it’s been the worst it’s ever been

I grew up Christian and being gay + kinky don’t really mix well into that

At this point I’m rambling but fuck I’m so sad and lonely and my chest hurts so much I’m sorry

[warmau]

☆ [nostalgic] summer romance!au jisung another late birthday au for the february neos ;__; find others here: johnny | haechan | taeil | taeyong | mark | jaemin | yangyang | yuta | sicheng | chenle | kun | yukhei | doyoung | jaehyun | jungwoo | ten

a sour taste makes its way down jisung's throat

he pulls the candy out of his mouth and scrunches his face up

"did this shit expire?"

renjun's lips thin, "since when have you started cursing?"

chenle harks on the grass beside the other two

"ever since he got dumped."

jisung doesn't disagree.

out of everyone to pick up on his change of habits, it'd be his best friend.

he doesn't like to admit it, but the breakup that launched the beginning of his summer has made him feel different

bitter, angry, empty

he's sure if he told someone older like his parents or a professor they'd explain that it's normal.

it's part of growing up to have to process these horrible emotions and learn to feel them less extremely.

that somehow doesn't comfort jisung at all, why is it his fault that being young makes everything feel more vivid? the shatter of the heart in his chest and all the little pieces wedged up in his veins hurt so bad.

"jisung, you'll find someone better."

renjun ties his shoelaces and gets up, he's still chewing on the taffy they brought from the corner store.

jisung follows and he's never been so awkward about his budding height more than he is now

"i doubt that, i don't think i could find anyone better than my first love."

chenle gives a depressed sounding laugh and renjun starts a spiel about how he's being dramatic and silly

the sounds gloss over in jisung's ears, he tosses the candy he'd spit out and the wrapper over his shoulder

"you shouldn't litter."

three sets of eyes turn to the voice, you stand there with your gym bag over your shoulder on a path a little way down from the grassy hill the boys are on

you look at jisung with an unwavering gaze that drops to where he assumes the candy wrapper landed

you bend down and pick it up, shake your head and walk away

jisung follows your figure through the park as renjun and chenle mutter about how you're kind of right but kind of rude

"do you know them?"

jisung asks and renjun taps the bottom of his chin

"i think ive seen them at the tennis courts."

jisung doesn't know what it is about you.

he mistakenly thinks it is dislike that breeds curiosity when he shows up at the public tennis court the next day

you're out on the court with a group of middle schoolers, showing them the right way to swing a racket

jisung leans against the shade of a tree as you go through each step slowly and then have the kids copy you one by one

when you make a sudden movement to turn in the direction he's standing, he slinks behind the trunk

this is so fucking weird, im being a creep

he doesn't have anything to do for the rest of the day, or the rest of the summer, but still he cringes at himself

i should find something better than staring at a goddamn stranger. chenle was right, im cursing way too much.

so he leaves and he doesn't come back

but he visits the park for the next week with the slight hope that your path will cross with him on accident

not that he entertains that as actual hope - just that curiosity that nips at his heel like a cat asking to be feed

on day seven it happens

jisung is staring up at the expanse of the warm blue sky and you're walking from the direction of the tennis courts, you pause to check your phone and jisung springs to his feet

he's in front of you before he really knows what to even say

you don't look as freaked out as he was scared you might, you actually just blink and then point your finger at him

looks like they've got bad habits just like me

"you're the boy who litters!"

"i don't usually litter, i was just in a bad mood that day."

"doesn't excuse throwing your garbage around."

"is that why you remembered me?"

you slip your phone into the pocket of your duffel bag and shake your head

"no, there's another reason."

jisung itches to ask why but he realizes now that this conversation is going exponentially better than it could have

you could have said something like get the hell away from me....or who are you?

"do you want to walk with me for a little bit?"

fuck, i should have just asked why - asking them to walk is weirder

"why not."

you and jisung do loops around the park - it's pretty big so by the time you're on the third loop the night lamps are coming on and the sun is slowly disappearing

you two have talked about everything and nothing at the same time

jisung asks you if you're going to be at the park tomorrow

"i teach a summer tennis course for the park three times a week, but tomorrow is my off day."

"have any plans?"

he puts his hands in his pockets because they're sweating - i should have asked if they wanted me to carry their bag while we were walking. god did getting broken up with make me so stupid too?

"are you asking me out?"

jisungs palms stick to the fabric of his pants

"i got broken up with before summer started."

he blurts out before he can take it back, you poke your tongue into your cheek

"me too."

the genuine surprise makes jisung look younger than he is and you cross your hands over your chest as if you regret sharing the information

"sorry, i have to go."

you edge around him and jisung has one million thoughts run through his brain, how he should apologize or ask for your number or suggest something that could heal you both in the snap of this one summer minute

but instead he watches you walk ahead for a whole two minutes before you turn on your heel and uncross your arms

"can you meet me here at noon?"

"tomorrow?"

jisung feels the sweat on the nape of his neck now too, matching the moistness on his palms

"no, in twenty years. yes - tomorrow."

he nods and you don't give him anything else to work with as you disappear and jisung catches the last little slither of sunlight wave goodbye with you

"are you rebounding already?"

chenle's voice comes through the headphones as jisung clicks on a zombie with his mouse and shoots it

"it's not a rebound - we both got dumped so i thought we could like...FUCK! i died dude."

chenle groans

"maybe they can help you fix this cursing problem, but uhhh it totally sounds like a rebound to me."

jisung thinks about that as he waits for you at the park

rebounding has actually never even occurred to him as a possibility.

then again falling head over heels and getting tossed aside by the person he thought was his soulmate also never occurred to him as a possibility either - especially not before he's even managed to graduate university

but using someone to feel better about himself - that just isn't him.

"oh you actually came?"

he stops staring at the grass and meets the half smile you're wearing. he matches it with a shy one of his own.

you take jisung's hand easily - as if you weren't strangers a week ago - and tug him toward the park gates

"where-"

you look over your shoulder

"we have to eat ice-cream on a date."

jisung and you have the same taste, getting the same flavor of ice cream with a hard no to sprinkles. you tell jisung about this kid you teach privately for tennis and how he's a little rich brat but his parents always tip you nicely. jisung tells you that his best friend is chenle and they met when he nearly broke an elbow on the first day of middle school.

jisung pays for your bus ticket into the busier part of the city, you beat him at a couple of arcade games, and then he absolutely crushes you at mini-basketball. you pile all your tickets together and jisung tells you to pick the prize you want.

he watches you as you scan the cheap toys and then turn to your left where a younger girl is trying to see if she has enough for a sad looking stuffed panda

you dump the tickets into her hand and grin when her whole face lights up, jisung walks out behind you and goes

"you're actually nice aren't you?"

"oh - you didn't think i was nice when we first met?"

"i-"

jisung stutters when you look directly at him

"i just mean you- it was nice what you did in the arcade."

"why did your ex break up with you?"

jisung's world sort of stops for a moment. you still haven't looked away and he gets lightheaded by the sudden question.

"i don't know."

you nod, as if the answer is what you expected, and you take his hand again and make way toward the bus

he curls his larger fingers around yours and is silently thankful you don't ask for any more details

actually you both don't say anything the ride back, even though you rest your head on his shoulder the entire time

your hands are still clasped together and jisung finds himself not wanting to let go even when you stop in front of the park again

"thanks for the date."

you unwind your fingers first and jisung swallows

"do you want to go on another one?"

you shake your head

"sorry, i don't think i can do this more than once."

genuine shock sets in on jisung's face

"w-what do you mean?"

"i know being heartbroken makes you lonely, it makes me lonely too, but i can't just be someone's summer fling and get abandoned again. plus jisung -"

you tilt your head with a small laugh

"i think you're really cute and if we do this again i will start liking you seriously."

what the fuck do i say?

jisung thinks the summer heat in the air constricts around him - especially when he can't open his mouth to answer and you give a solemn wave as you turn and start to disappear down the sidewalk

fuck fuck fuck fuck

the curses start to hurt his brain and jisung breaks into a sprint to catch you before you make it to the end of the block

slipping his hand back into yours and spinning you to face him

"im not going to abandon you. and i - i already like you so please let me take you on another date."

the words fall out like letters into alphabet soup and you stare wide-eyed at him for about a second before you lean in and kiss him

and jisung forgets the entire language he's spoken since he was a child, curses and vulgarity gone with it

the second date comes and goes, then the third, and then the fourth, fifth, and sixth.

jisung watches you give tennis lessons and you even tug him onto the court one day to help with picking up the scattered balls off the court

the younger kids you teach really adore him, tall and smiley, they cling to him more than they do to you

and there really isn't any way you can stop them because soon enough you feel that urgency to be near him always too

it might be because jisung is so different from your ex, and you are so different from his

the reality is that when you finally tell each other what happened before your respective summers started

it turns out - it's almost exactly the same

jisung looks up at you as you lay across him in the tall grass of an empty corner of the parks sprawling fields, your tennis equipment abandoned and his shoes sitting beside yours in a lazy heap

"they just told me one day i wasn't enough."

you bury your face in his chest and sigh

"maybe im not, maybe something about me is still missing."

the tenor of his voice is sad and you put both hands on the grass to lift yourself up above him, you stare down into the prettiest eyes you've ever seen on a boy in your life

"shuttup park jisung. nothing is missing from you. you're enough."

he gives you a goofy smile and you want so badly to smile back and kiss him but you take the moment seriously and add

"remember when you asked me if i only remembered you because i caught you littering like weeks ago?"

the furrow of his eyebrow is enough of an answer

"i said there was another reason."

he sits up and you fall gently back against his knees and lap, jisung opens his mouth as if to ask what it was but you put your hands on both his cheeks before he can

"that reason was because i could see all of you - people tend to be shrouded in something, but it was all on your face the moment you made eye contact with me. jisung - you're the farthest person i know from being incomplete. you're you and no one else."

the weight of your words comes crashing down on you a second later and you get up off of jisung in a fit of embarrassment

even though you meant what you said it felt like something of a wedding vow than something you say someone you've been dating for only a month

but jisung just breaks into a bigger smile - he pulls you back down into a hug that gets you both covered in grass stains

"im so happy"

you smell the fabric softener on his t-shirt and suddenly wish you could slip it off of him and put it on yourself

his hands tighten around you

"i always thought the other reason was because i was ugly or something."

you scrunch up your nose and tell him to be quiet, but jisung just laughs and buries his nose in your hair

the rest of the summer is smooth and the happiest one you've had so far - and jisung, who had thought it would be hell, agrees

renjun points out that he hasn't heard jisung even utter the word 'damn' since he started dating you

and chenle cuts in that it's true - now whenever they game jisung just groans into the mic (or abandoned the game completely to fool around you with - as it is in chenle's imagination)

you notice it too, and you notice how everyday jisung grows further from the heartbreak that he had festered on for so long

and just becomes more open with you

on your last day at your summer job and what feels like the last day of summer in general, jisung picks you up with balloons

you both hand them out to the kids you worked with and keep one shaped like a big red heart tied around your wrist as you two walk through the dimming evening of the park

fall is coming, your shoulders shake and jisung pulls you closer into him, and when he stops suddenly

you see that you're in the place where you first met - when jisung had let that candy wrapper tumble down a grassy hill and you had picked it up with disdain

"is untying the balloon and letting it float off considered littering?"

he asks and you think for a second

"probably, it'll get stuck in a tree somewhere and we don't want that."

he looks down and leans in to kiss you gently, letting your lower lip sit between his teeth for a moment before he pulls away

"can we do it anyway to make the moment special?"

you look at him, eyes clear as day, and answer

"every moment is special with you."

jisung manages to get ten of those red balloons through the door of your shared apartment on your tenth anniversary

you fret about how balloons are bad for the environment, but still launch yourself at him in a big hug when he gets them all settled into your living room

he catches you, laughing as you both muse that you can't believe it has been ten years since you met

"and i haven't cursed once since then - can you believe it?"

you roll your eyes and say yeah sure, like he didn't curse when he stubbed his toe on your bed this morning

he pouts his lip and asks, "play along ok - just say i haven't cursed once."

"you haven't cursed once in the ten years we have been dating."

something twinkles in jisung's eye and you bite back your lip

"exactly - so is it ok if i curse this one time and say-"

he fishes something out of his pocket that looks like a small box, you think your breath catches in your throat

"i fuc-freaking love you - will you marry me?"

[crimsonophelia]

hi! could i request for an imagine involving childe and a gn reader? the reader is childe’s longtime childhood friend who’s more or less been in love with him since they were young—and they document the extent of their feelings in a diary (complete with embarrassingly detailed paragraphs planning out theirs and childe’s wedding, gushing over every little thing about him, incidents where they felt petty and jealous over childe showing interest in someone else, etc etc.) that they accidentally end up mailing to childe in liyue thinking it was the book they bought him as a gift.

when they realize the mix-up, they try to make a run for the post office to stop it from being sent to him, but it’s no use—it’s already been shipped out and sent off. how childe ends up responding, doing, or reacting is completely up to you! (i apologize if this request was a little long aha; i hope you have a wonderful day!)

featuring: childe x gn!reader

warnings: none

published: april 22 2021

form: imagine

a/n: thank you for requesting!! this is so cute~~ i love wholesome, bashful childe www

you couldn’t believe it. oh my god, you were such a huge, fucking idiot. how could you have gotten the letters mixed up with the bank documents??? the whole point of keeping your ridiculously embarrassing letters to tartaglia separate from the rest of your documents was just so something like THIS could never happen! 

the eleventh fatui harbinger had requested a few copies of official documents from northland bank to help zhongli with some funeral parlor legal paperwork, and you happily obliged, jumping at the opportunity to be of help to the boy you’ve admired for so long.

but for some reason, you were feeling particularly airheaded today. the night before, you had written yet another “letter” to tartaglia in your diary, much like the countless other sheets of paper clipped together, filled with endless words of yearning that will never be read by their intended recipient. you wrote:

“my dearest ajax,

i hope life as a harbinger is going well. i quite miss when we were back in snezhnaya as children, but i suppose i should thank celestia that fate brought us back together in liyue. i still cant help but to miss you each and every day, though. it feels like its been so long since we last got together and talked. i remember last time we had an actual conversation was at wangshu inn— was it three, no, four months ago? i cant quite recall. you looked so lovely, as usual. your smile never fails to make me laugh, especially with that one crooked tooth. i still love to bully you about that, you know. hopefully we can meet again soon, sincerely. im tired of being just friends, tartaglia. not when you look at me like that, and not when you always love to put your arm around my shoulder and pull me in to you every time we meet. i dont know how you feel about me—sometimes it appears as if you might feel the same, though i can never be sure. but i digress. life is rather lonely without you, and yet i manage to get by, somehow.

always yours,

[y/n]”

you tucked the letter amidst the stack of all the others, confident that they would never see the light of day. but somehow, somehow, your foolish, sleep-deprived brain mixed the letters in between the documents from the bank, and now tartaglia would know everything. all your foolish musings over the years, fawning over his rogueish charm like a child, yearning for your friend with such humiliating naïveté. this cannot happen. you have to get to him before the mail can, somehow. he was currently staying at an inn nearby the funeral parlor—there’s gotta be a way to be quicker than the mail deliverer.

you hurried out of your office and hailed the first rickshaw you see lined up on the street, and ordered him to drive you to the inn, as soon as humanly possible.

upon arrival, you leapt out of the seat, tossing an indiscriminately large fare at the driver before stumbling onto the sidewalk, almost dropping your things. slamming open the door to the inn, you reach the front counter. asking breathlessly, “which room is mr. tartaglia staying in?”, you hurry to the room the doorman indicates to be the fatui’s residence.

but before you get the chance to even look for the room, you turn the corner and slam into a taller body. to your dismay, you look up and see the face of a shocked tartaglia looking down at you, a stack of papers tucked under his arm. shit.

shit shit shit. this cannot be happening right now. maybe he hasn’t read the letters yet? slim chance, though—he’s always been nosy.

“[y/n]...” Childe looked at you with a pained glint in his eyes. he reached out for your arm with his free hand.

ah. so he knew.

you tried to jerk away, feeling your cheeks heat up with embarassment and the pressure that always comes before tears. things are never going to be the same again. all because of my stupidity.

you felt yourself colliding with the wall of tartaglia’s chest again, as he abruptly dropped all he was holding. a pair of arms wrapped themselves assuredly around your waist, so familiar, yet so foreign. not able to hold yourself together for any longer, you let yourself go, crying into tartaglia’s chest, your voice racked with harsh, humiliating, childish sobs.

“why did you hide it from me for so long?” you felt tartaglia whisper into your hair, his breath grazing your scalp. his warmth was so delicious, something youve been craving for so long finally being satiated.

looking up, his usual charming smirk was much more sad, almost guilt-ridden. “i care about you so much [y/n]. you know you can tell me anything, right?”

gasping for air, you felt so ashamed for making such a scene in front of him. “i was so scared, ajax. scared that i would drag you down, or scared you would leave me behind.” you couldn’t bear to meet the pained gaze of the boy yoy so hopelessly fell in love with.

his rough hand smoothed over your hair, comforting you like he used to, back when you two were children in snezhnaya. drawing you effortlessly closer towards him, until you felt his lips plant a chaste kiss upon your forehead.

“you know i love you, [y/n], don’t you? i always have and i always will.”

you clung on to him tighter, fearing what the world might return to if you ever let go. you couldn’t let him slip through your fingers, not again.

“i don’t want you to suffer because of me anymore, my dear.”

a/n: to clarify YES THIS IS A HAPPY ENDING READER AND CHILDE GET TOGETHER i just didnt wanna go any further and do a complete 180 on the tone lolol i hope this is okay!!

[petesvodka]

sick and tired

word count - 700

warnings - jus' general 15+ i think

a.n. - im kind of losing my shit, but it's alright. all is well

my requests are open, if you've got any interesting ideas you'd like to see further elaborated on :)

.`

He digs a dark hoodie out from underneath his blankets, bleary-eyed and drunkenly warm. His dark hair sticks up from the side of his head as he brushes his teeth, considers eating breakfast, only to fall back into his old black car.

Pete is tired. Tired, and sick, and lost, and angry and sad and bored and stressed and anxious and just so goddamn lonely.

Another day in the halls of a building he’s never felt quite comfortable in. Fall hints and teases him with sugary drinks and warmer layers, only to steal them away in the sunny afternoons.

He breaks pencils in the pockets of his hoodie as he walks between classes. The earbuds in his ears are silent, props to help him pretend like he doesn’t exist. Pete used to laugh a lot in class, used to make the class laugh a lot too— now, he mostly just stares at the blankest wall he can find.

Nights are agony, and he’s sick of writing why. He’s so done with the endless identical pages of messy handwritten stories, all complaining of the same stupid thing. His therapist tells him it’s good for him.

But Pete only feels crazier when he sees how often he repeats himself.

He thinks it’s because of how quickly the day he leaves is approaching. The floor is falling out from under his feet.

A home that is no longer his, with things like “you’ll be gone next year” constantly floating around.

He’s finally become temporary. Plans are made without him. Futures are created with him off in his own story, studying all night or smoking weed or whatever they expect him to do. Whatever they expect with him in college. Because he’s not even sure what he’s getting himself into yet.

How can he be happy here when it’s so clearly not for him? School echoes the same monotone around his brain, the same task-and-reward he’s been doing since he was five. Write the paper. Turn in the homework. Fill out the worksheet. Do the research. Take notes. Study the notes. Even when his passing or failing doesn’t matter, the pressure is still on. He must do the things and get the stuff. He must work.

It’s so useless. So fucking useless. Why not spend his last year loving where he has grown up? Why not take the day to walk slowly through town, memorizing the way that bricks are laid across the streets he’s walked since before he could talk? Why can’t he take time to get used to growing old?

Because he’s almost not a kid. So fucking scarily close to not being a kid.

And that’s what keeps him up at night, when he’s trying to convince himself it’s worth it to go to bed so he can get out of it in the morning. That it’s worth it to shut his eyes rather than keep them wide open, rather than laughing at the moonlight and jumping at shadows as he sneaks around the quiet part of town.

Pete should be going to bed, not getting shitfaced in dorm room that hasn’t been cleaned since the day they moved in, and definitely not tasting skin he’s never seen in daylight. He shouldn’t be taking late-night hikes to stare at the stars, or inhaling from something he’s not entirely sure of.

Pete shouldn’t run through the streets at night laughing wildly just because he can or driving through for milkshakes just because his friends are high and they want McDonalds. He shouldn’t be living. No. He should be tucked under his blankets and sleeping softly, as he has been for the past seventeen years.

But even with all that sound sleeping, Pete is so sick and tired. His mono is coming back (a brief stint with a girl who looked better in the moonlight than anyone else) and it makes his throat ache through the long, quiet nights. He never really sleeps at night for the possibilities that bombard his mind, so in the morning all he craves is quiet so he can rest.

And yeah, Pete is fucking sick and tired of being in high school.

[sorryimanon]

Pairings: Bakugou Katsuki x fem!Reader, Izuku Midoriya x NB!Reader

Warnings: some angst, FLUFF, and our boys being the best boys.

In which they comfort you after a rough day or week

A/N: im sorry if Izukus section is shorter than Bakugou’s. trying to practice writing other characters. enjoy!

Saturday's are reserved strictly by the majority of the girls from class 1-A, leaving the guys to hibernate inside their dorms as they allow the commencement of girls night. You've never rain checked nor rejected the idea of spending  quality time with your friends, considering all the tribe's and trepidation's everyone has endured together during their time at the academy. It's nice to just strip away the stress and dip your toes in pure relaxation.

Unfortunately, you woke up with a bad case of cloudy thoughts. For the past week you've been carrying the weight of dread, causing your mood to drastically change throughout the day. You'd be having a civil conversation with someone one minute and then the next minute you're completely irritated by their presence. You've tried to balance it out and fix it overnight with the regimes you researched on the internet. A new sleeping schedule, healthier diet, yoga, and even went to the extreme of writing in a journal. It was all so cut throat and prestigious, nothing close to your liking. Katsuki made fun of you for it one day when he snuck into your room and read the many inscriptions in your journal entries.

"This stuff reminds of Deku. Always shoving his nose in that stupid notebook of his," he didn't care much to hear your refutes about Izuku. "Anyways, what's with all this depressing shit you are writing? You don't really feel this way do you?"

You didn't give him a definite answer that day. Only a curt "no" and he resumed rambling about his day like nothing happened, having you listening with his voice like white noise going in one ear and out the other.

And that's how it went on throughout the duration of the prior week before Saturday.

Inside the confinement of your dorm, you made the rational decision to sleep in instead of attending classes. The chilling thoughts kept you up all night, never once allowing sleep to take full throttle. You tossed and turned around on your bed, unable to shut off your brain. So when you woke up in the peak of late afternoon, you weren't surprised to see the unread messages on your phone. All of them were from your explosive boyfriend.

King Explosion🤍: Oi you running late? Mr.Sleepy head is taking roll call

King Explosion🤍: y/n where tf r u?

King Explosion🤍: fine don't answer me ig

King Explosion🤍: are you at least coming down for lunch? i made curry last night and imma make you finish it

King Explosion🤍: fking hurry before dunce face eats it

King Explosion🤍: nvm he ate it 😐

Katsuki never intended for the message to be funny. He's probably blowing actual steams of smoke through his nostrils and ears while chasing kamanari amongst the halls. The comical imagery made you laugh harder. At least he made you crack a smile. You haven't shown any emotions let alone a hint of enthusiasm for tonight.

Maybe it'd be best to sit this one out.

"Hey, we're missing a person! Where's my y/n?" Mina asked after scanning the group of girls huddled around on the carpeted floor.

Momo shifted uncomfortably on the cushioned pillow she stole from the couch. "Y/N said she wasn't feeling too well to join us for tonight. Something about food poisoning and throwing up every hour."

In unison all the girls gasped, along with a concerned 'ribbit' from Tsuyu.

"Well I hope she gets to feeling better. I wouldn't want her to endure such sickness for much longer," Tsuyu croaked out.

Everyone in the circle agreed and promised to pay a visit later in the night to check on you.

On the fourth floor, Katsuki stared blankly at his phone, hands shaking due to the repressed anger he's been holding. Each of the messages he sent previously were all left on read, including the one he sent an hour ago asking if he could have a cuddle session with you before girls night. Yes, even an ill tempered guy such as him enjoys sappy shit like cuddling. After pacing back and forth in his room for a solid 5 minutes, he was now dead set on confronting you in front of your friends.

Katsuki made a beeline for the elevator and aggressively pressed the 1st floor button repeatedly in hopes it'll make the process go quicker. He reached the commons area in precision time, overhearing the girls giggle after someone suggested playing truth or dare. He towered over Uraraka's figure, casting a demonic shadow version of himself in the circle. Hagakure shrieked and clung onto Jirou.

"Where's y/n you extras?" He demanded, voice deafening the brunette under him.

"She didn't come tonight. She's in her dorm room sick," Jirou explained to him as she tried pry the invisible girl off her arm.

"Like hell she's sick!" Katsuki spun around quickly and retreated back to the elevator, mumbling obscenities under his breath. "She's going to pay for being so careless and irresponsible."

The commons room fell silent once the explosive blonde disappeared behind the doors of the elevator, all eyes searching each other in complete shock. Uraraka was the first to speak out of the small group.

“Should we warn y/n that Bakugou is coming for her?”

Jirou averted her gaze to the direction bakugou left off from, a ghost of a smirk spreading on her face.

“Nah. Knowing y/n, she can handle the asshole on her own.”

King Explosion🤍: can i come over? i wanna cuddle, i miss u

The text message kept flashing behind your eyes every-time you closed them - a sad image of Katsuki waiting impatiently for you to reply back with a heart or one of those unusual memes he unapologetically adores. You knew he’d be furious, no doubt about it, but you rationalized your decision and concluded it would be best to avoid your boyfriend like the plague till this undesired feeling dissipates. Katsuki doesn’t do well with people being emotional, let alone handle his own emotions for god’s sake.

Your own thoughts were interrupted by someone raping the outside of your door. The continuous knocks made your head spin, a painful sting ghosting back and forth between your eyes. Remembering back to an hour ago, you messaged one of the girls that you weren’t going to make it to tonight’s session. Surely they respected your wishes and continued on with their hangout? But you forgot about the one person who’s persistent and stubborn like a cat.

“I know you’re in there y/n! You may have fooled your idiotic friends with a lie, but you keep on forgetting you’re terrible at lying!” Katsuki hollers against the wood of the door, not once being considerate of those living above her.

He’s right. You’re absolutely horrible at making up excuses for yourself. Dating someone as intuitive as him will be the death of you.

“If there’s something going can you at least let me in? You can’t ignore me forever y/n.”

Again, he’s right.

You slipped out from the comfort of your bed and padded towards the door, mentally preparing for the blonde to scold you once he enters your room. What you weren’t prepared for was the tears swelling up in the ducts of his vermillion eyes - his hands clenched tightly into fists as he looked down at you. Your breathing hitched when his arm outstretched to rest on the door frame to keep his trembling body steady.

“What the hell y/n? Why the fuck have you been ignoring me?! Did I do something wrong?!” He asked, not caring about his current appearance.

You grab ahold of his other arm and absentmindedly started rubbing it affectionately, trying to coax him into calming down. “Katsuki no! You didn’t do anything wrong! Why would you think that?”

“Because dumbass, you’ve been distant this past week,” he paused, choking on his words. “Are...are you breaking up with me?”

Your eyes shot up instantly at his horrifying assumption. “Katsuki, if I tell you the truth, will you promise not to make things worse for me?”

He tilted his head in confusion, but nodded once you led him into your messy bedroom. Once inside, your boyfriend plopped down on your bed, watching intently as you anxiously bit down on your nails - a nervous habit you picked up at the beginning of the school year.

“I’ve been feeling weird lately. Ever since the beginning of last week. I don’t know how to describe it but, my brain is constantly feeding into my already negative state. Telling me things I know aren’t true but I’ve convinced myself they are. Almost as if a grey cloud is hovering above me,” tears were already starting to pour down your cheeks. “I just...I just feel so miserable and lonely and useless and irritated and- I’m so sorry for ignoring you. You probably want nothing to do with me after this!”

You manage to turn away from the sight of the blonde during your speech, ashamed of pouring out your emotions onto a person who disregards other peoples emotions and constitutes them as a quote on quote “pussy”.

From behind, you can hear faint shuffling nearing your already shaken up figure. A pair of muscular arms wrapped around your waist, pulling you into a wall that could only be described as his own chiseled chest, doing the same as you did moments ago with his arm - lulling you to calm down a notch before he stared speaking.

“If you been feeling this way, why lie when I asked you a few days ago after reading your journal?”

“I know how you are, Katsuki. You get very uncomfortable when people talk about their feelings. So, why should I be any different?”

Your boyfriend suddenly maneuvers you around in the circle of his arms, shifting to where you’re now making direct eye contact with him. His gaze intense and unwavering.

“Because you’re my girlfriend? I don’t give a rats ass about any of these extras. When it comes to you, I’d make an exception for. I made that promise to myself when we first started seeing each other. So don’t think for a second that I’ll disregard your true feelings, dumbass.” He stepped a couple of inches backwards, ankles eventually hitting the bottom of your bed - making him fall and dragging you along with him. You landed on top of him, head still buried in the depths of his hard chest. The vibrations of his chuckle shook your whole body. Katsuki gently titled your head to be leveled with his, a red tint of blush painting his pallid cheeks.

“I’m being serious though. Don’t be afraid to come to me when things get tough, okay? I love you too much to see you like this.”

Next thing you knew your boyfriend stole your breath away by meshing his plump lips onto yours, hands snaking their way into your hair and carefully massaging it. By all means, you let him have his way with you by kissing the sadness away, tears puddling together cheek on cheek.

He let go eventually, pecking a quick chaste kiss on the side of your mouth before hauling you further into the bed. You settled on letting him spoon you, knowing how much he likes the feeling of your backside pressed against him, and the fruity aroma of your hair infiltrating his senses.

“I promise Katsuki,” you said after some time during the cuddle session.

He shifted in his spot, head placed firmly in the crook of your neck. “Promise what?”

“That I’ll come to you when these thoughts return again. I should trust you by now, and I need to not let these emotions ruin everything in my life. I love you that much.

Your confession swelled the very last evidence of Katsuki being a human being, his heart.

He smiled weakly to himself and nuzzled more into your shoulder, brushing his warm lips against the tender skin. “You better, dumbass.”

-

Today was just so exhausting, and the big fat 'D-‘ written in red ink on your final report was the icing on the cake. To make things even worse, Aizawa reminded the whole class before the exam that this was to determine wether or not if you'll be joining the training camp that'll commence the following winter break.

Hopefully this was one of your teacher's terrible deception tactics into making everyone do their absolute best, go plus ultra even. But to your dismay, he was indeed very serious of the matter this time.

It wasn't your fault, not entirely. You stayed up all night listening to another one of your boyfriends rambles, the conversation lasting till 2 am. Izuku grew worrisome and anxious ever since his encounter with a gruesome villain, thus resulting in him to pour his emotions out onto you. Poor baby kept mentioning the safety of All Might and you.

Solemnly, you left class and trailed back to your dorm room, wanting to ignore the jovial atmosphere inside the cramped room as everyone traded and talked about their scores.

Izuku noticed you leaving abruptly and got up from his desk to follow you behind, bidding a quick goodbye to his friends.

Your room was dark and dramatically colder than usual, a trickle of light threatening to pour in from the cascading sunset. You laid down on your stomach with one of your pillows propped on your head, in hopes to shield away anyone from seeing your ugly-crying face.

Too late because Izuku was already standing outside your dorm room, swaying back and forth on his feet while biting down harshly on his lip. He can hear your soft cries seeping through the door. He doesn't know why he's hesitating, he's your boyfriend after all.

Moments later you hear the acute sounds of someone knocking on your door, followed by the soft spoken voice of your green haired boyfriend.

"Baby? Can I come in? I-If that's okay with you I m-mean! It's alright if you need some space but you left class so early I figured something happened to you and I got really worried because you always wait for Iida and uraraka to walk us back to the dorms as a group and maybe it had something to do with what I was telling you last night-."

You crack the door just a smidge before fully opening it, revealing your bloodshot eyes and tear stained shirt to him. His breathing hitched once his eyes fixated on your disheveled state. 

"Can you comfort me? I need you right now Izuku," your voice cracked a little, throat still tight after the crying session.

His strong, lean arms wrapped around your body momentarily, encasing you into a bear hug. Hugs from Izuku were amazing, no exceptions. He placed a quick peck on the crown of your forehead.

"C'mon, let's get inside and snuggle. How does that sound?" he asked as he unwrapped himself and took your trembling hand, leading you back inside the dimly lit room.

Izuku laid you gently down on your side once reaching the bed, crawling alongside with you before  draping the covers over the both of you. His familiar hands snake around your waist and nudges you to roll over. You obliged and shifted your body to face his, sparkly green eyes staring straight at you.

"Tell me, what's wrong baby? Does it have to do with the recent exam?" his thumb started tracing delicate lines on your hips, your uniform long gone and now replaced with comfortable clothes instead.

"I failed Izuku...I did so terrible on the written exam. I kept falling in and out of sleep during the test that I didn't have time to finish the middle portion of it," you exhaled a shaky breath. "Who knows what'll happen on the practical. I'll probably fail that too...I'm such a failure compared to everyone."

Izuku grabbed the tender flesh of your cheeks and directed your vision to level with his. He looked angry and concerned.

"Don't say that y/n! You're not a failure! That exam doesn't determine wether or not if you're good enough to be a hero. I've seen you in action hun, and I know for a fact that you're possibly the most strongest person I've met in my lifetime! You're ambitious, smart, determined, and so freaking beautiful." He then kissed you tenderly on the lips, his eyes closing slightly due to the contact.

"So...freaking...beautiful." He whispers against your mouth.

His sentimental words were enough for you to push back the negativity and simply enjoy the intimate moment.

Izuku lifted his head away from your face to rest it against your temple. "You're going to do great things, okay? One failing grade isn't going to be the end of the world. Trust me sweetheart, I've had my fair share in failures during our time here in Yuuei. But look at me now, still standing."

You nuzzled more into his chest, tickling his chin with your hair. Faintly, you can hear the pitter patter of his heart beat bursting through his rib cage.

"Would you love me even if I was a horrendous looking-failure?" you were clearly teasing him, but sometimes Izuku became dense when it came to that.

"Y/n! W-Why would you ask that! Of course I would you dummy! I'd love you no matter what."

This time you return the favor and kiss him, knowing how to easily fluster him in seconds. He whimpers into your mouth at the sudden contact and cups your jawline affectionately.

The two of you stayed like that till the moon shone through the balcony curtains, illuminating your skin in a dusty glow.

Lips bruised and swollen red, you laid lifelessly in his arms, letting him wove his scarred fingers through your hair. Izuku would occasionally stop to peck your lips, then resumes his attention back to your hair.

"I'm sorry by the way. I shouldn't have kept you up last night before the exam. I'm such a horrible boyfriend..." he admitted suddenly.

"Yes. Yes you are."

He gasped and stopped his movements altogether, obviously taken aback by your blunt words.

You giggled and said, "Kidding. You're the best boyfriend. Apology accepted.”

After hearing that, Izuku shoved himself onto your chest and let out muffled cry. "D-Don't scare me like that. Almost made me have a heart a-attack!"

[tidalcreek]

helloooo! here are google drive links (pt1 + pt2) to my 4hr cut of the hobbit trilogy :-) specs n more details under the cut!

runtime is 4hr 9m (including about 4m of credits)

all scenes have open captions in english (either screen recorded from hbo or manually added)!!

i didn’t have access to the extended editions for this but i was able to find some of the extended scenes i wanted on yt (hence the portuguese and turkish subtitles on a few scenes which makes it a little messy with the english caps sry!!)

it’s split in two parts so i could get the quality up to 1080p but the parts are not like. two coherent separate movies its just one big guy

i basically did this for one reason which is that the hobbit movies r incredibly nostalgic to me and i love them but i avoided rewatching them for years because i have adhd and i just could not be fucked to watch 9 hours of cgi when i only cared about half of it. so here’s the half!!

this is heavily informed by the tolkien edit! i have my own criticisms of that cut (which is why i made one lmao) but i absolutely used it as a roadmap of what the story could survive without so credit where credit’s due

but forewarning because i made this specifically for my own use it’s very tailored to Me and my favorite parts of the trilogy! im a tiny bit of a tolkien purist bc i love the book very much and for aforementioned adhd reasons i always want these movies to move SO much faster than they do. but if there’s a scene that seems pointless it’s there just bc i like it and if there's a line that's missing for no reason it's just bc it annoys me :) however i Did try really hard to make this a good movie experience bc i have terminal film major disease!

here are the most significant changes i made if ur curious:

in general this cut follows bilbo/thorin/the company’s pov pretty tightly! it’s the part of the story that i personally care about most and it’s where the most coherent and interesting arcs are in my opinion! 

i could not care less for peter jackson’s cgi action scenes so most of of them are trimmed significantly or sometimes just deleted. this especially applies to the orc chase/fight scenes..i simply cannot sit through the full six minute barrel scene again. the big smaug scenes and botfa battle scenes are also especially cut down

gandalf’s dol guldur plot is completely cut (including radagast, galadriel, etc); ive never liked how the extra lore adds such huge All Of Middle Earth stakes to the hobbit (that's not bilbo’s fight and it never was! he didnt know what he was starting when he started it and neither should we!) so i took the tolkien edit’s line on this one. sorry to galadriel but i know what gandalf was doing during dos i dont need to see it 

crimes against the kiliel community: this is my most dudebro tolkien opinion but i have never loved the tauriel/legolas/kili dynamic and they have SOOO many scenes that i Personally just do not want to watch every time. i love the version of tauriel that lives in my brain but i do not vibe w the movie universe >:-( to that end both tauriel and legolas are almost entirely cut and you ARE allowed to hang me in the town square for this. im sad about it

bilbo's prologue scene is moved closer to the middle of the movie rather than introducing that info immediately in auj. i like having the audience find out about thrain and dale only once the company has seen the lonely mountain for the first time! idk if it reads as well as i think it does so lmk what u think!!

iiiii recut thorin’s funeral scene with hozier’s version of the parting glass. this is simply because ive always thought the funeral music was boring and i wanted to have fun! it’s one of the biggest changes i made to a specific scene so pls tell me if u have thoughts....it's at around 1:50:00 of part 2 if you want to skip

there are about 4 minutes of (incomplete) credits because sitting and listening to the last goodbye after botfa ends is a ritual <3

ummm thats it! if you actually watch any of this and you have thoughts please come talk to me about it!! i want to talk to you specifically!!

[blurays]

.

sorry for having the most depressing existential crisis ever by myself but kind of worse than feeling cursed for dying is feeling like ok well illness is not a moral determination on me or else four year olds wouldnt be getting the same thing but that means its just random which means things are just Bad for no reason at all

and like im so Aware of it and it feels like no one else is and it feels like insane like i guess apparently it is considered Wrong to focus on it and i mean its not like i want to sit around being unhappy but i cant understand how it’s not logical to be like just. incredibly sad forever about all this other than the fact that being miserable is not fun but it’s really just. insane to think that idk this sounds fake deep lol but like i read about some university department news and im like not belittling academia blah but its like there are people who dedicate their lives to studying x subject and im supposed to pick something and do that like some career and pretend it matters? when i wont live long enough to idk have the life anyone else does

its not like i know what people should say but im tired of no one knowing what to say im tired of feeling like idk anyone who understands it im tired of struggling to explain that sometimes i just have very strong moments of not giving a shit about twitter drama bc im more focused on Mortality As A Concept or my stomach hurting all the time or my arm rotting so that it scrapes against the joint... im tired of knowing i probably wont ever be as old as my older brother even and then having ppl tell me i need to live in the moment like im not desperately aware lol.  im tired of people not understanding or caring that it comes and goes because sometimes i can repress it but sometimes i cant 

even if i dont die Soon which feels very vague to me like i was supposed to be thrilled at the concept of 3-7 years it’s like. no one is ever going to understand it and it feels like people don’t even care or try.. it just makes them uncomfortably e and they think im making a big deal of it and using it or something.. which like whatever i get its not like i go around comforting everyone especially now and ik im not the center of everyones universe. but its like okay everyone else wants to avoid it but i cant because i cant even read a book watch a tv show whatever without some casual mention of cancer. because its some entertaining side thing in everyones lives but for me im simply focusing on it too much 

like i dont want to be The Sick Girl really especially because to get any sympathy you have to be very happy about it and very constantly talented at something which is hard, when you are in pain all the time and very aware of the death your brain is soon about to cause u at any possible moment,  but i dont know what else to do lol. maybe meds will help but idk :) i want to be optimistic but its like i dont think we can talk therapy our way out of this one !

idk why im writing this lol im just tired of trying im rly at my limit like... hearing “i think you overthought it” yeah well. dying will do that to you

i know describing myself as dying isnt rly making me any more appealing to be friends with but im just sad . cool. its not like i would super want to be friends with someone who was miserable all the fucking time but on the other side its also like wow im having fun feeling so entirely isolated 

i wish i was a different person mostly. maybe if i was more graceful this would be more fun & like sympathy garnering instead of being like very lonely and my bones hurt etc

[league-of-thots]

Leave Me a Message

Pairing: Hawks x reader

Warnings: angst, swearing, some suggestive themes, um gl with this? im told by my beta it was very sad

Words: 9.4k 

A/N: so um. this happened. First off, if you’d like to go break your heart some more, go check out the MASTERLIST because everyone worked super hard on these and there are some really amazing writers.

Og, this was supposed to be 3k, and then it just kept going and im suffering ok jesus that was so long. it was also kind of a way for me to get out some of my own inner turmoil around some stuff and i fucking loved writing it. ...not to be lame but yes i did cry writing it (shhh) anyways, i hope you enjoy? as much as you can enjoy angst of course.

         Hawks doesn’t do commitment. He’d said that from the start, that he wasn’t out looking for someone to try and grab his heart from out his chest, that he was simply looking for someone to keep his body company. He told you that he was tired of the press making a big deal of him being single, that all you would have to is hang out with him a bit, dates and couple things. He said that he’d been missing some company, that it would be amazing to have someone to spend some of his (very little) time off of patrol with. It was simple to you, who wouldn’t take the opportunity to be on the arm of a successful pro hero? Who would turn down the chance to learn more about the elusive Hawks, the one who’d baffled the media’s attempts to discover anything about him at all?

         You told yourself you weren’t going to make the mistake of getting attached, he was the number two hero after all, he had so much choice. There was no way you were going to be an idiot about it, this was only for some curiosity about the man.

         You enter the bar, a little awestruck at how clean and upscale it was. Of course, it wasn’t too surprising given the fact that this was the number 2 pro hero. He was bound to have some cash to throw around for a good time, plus he’d already told you that he’d be paying for the night.

         How could you refuse him?

         The night started out slow, the two of you lightly discussing regular day to day topics, but it intrigued you how carefully he spoke about everything. You didn’t really know him but you could’ve sworn that he had a plan with everything that he said, that everything he did was carefully calculated. To be honest, it was a little chilling, but as the alcohol started flowing along with the conversation, he relaxed a bit and you had to admit that he was a really fun person to talk to.

         The two of you had gotten closer in the circular booth as the night had gone on, blaming the loud surroundings and dim light so that you could see and hear each other better. He had this dry wit that left you struggling for breath as you laughed at his jokes and his teasing. He seemed to be enjoying himself too, but honestly, you couldn’t really read him at all.

         It was getting into the wee hours in the morning when the conversation took a more serious turn, the conversation starting to be about what this was, and what this would be.

         He was quite direct that he’d make it worth your while

“No offense, love, but if I’m being completely honest, I’m just not good at relationships. They’re not my thing. But I’m lonely and bored, and honestly? You caught my eye.” He’d said this in a low voice to you at the bar, his breath tickling your ear and you flutter your eyelashes up at him.

         “Are you asking me for a night of fun, Mr. Hawks?” you say coyly.

         “Maybe a night, maybe more if I like you.” He leans in to whisper to you, “You’ve got a pretty good chance babe.”

         “You’re not worried about me not liking you?” you weren’t really taken aback; it was to be expected from the number two hero that if you came to meet him, you were interested in him for sure.

         He leans back, with his hands behind him. “If I’m reading your body language right, and I’m pretty good at that y’know, then I’d say you’ve been pretty excited the whole night.”

         You laugh a bit at that. “Well, you’re not wrong I guess.”

         “Then I have nothing to worry about at all.”

           Your arrangement with Hawks started as a few dates in more secluded public areas, the first being a movie which you’d taken a bus to get too. When you’d gotten there, you went inside like he had asked you too. There, you saw him in the furthest corner, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. It wasn’t working well and you had to stifle a giggle as you walked up to him.

         The only reason that people didn’t seem to be coming up to him was the fact that the normally upbeat and friendly hero was closed off, and looking rather downtrodden.

         “Hey, Hawks.” You say, bumping his shoulder with your own playfully. “How’re you doing.”

         “Better now that you’re here,” he smoothly slips his arm into yours, face morphing into a slightly happier expression. “Would you happen to be a fan of popcorn and a drink at the movies, Y/N?”

         “Of course! How can you have one without the other?” He smiles at that, a quick upturn of his lips and its quickly gone again as he guides you to the counter to get some snacks and drinks. It wasn’t supposed to be an incredibly exciting movie, but it was supposed to be decent enough that the two of you could enjoy it together and relax without really having to push through any awkward tension that could still be around with the two of you being relative strangers.

         It was like a neutral ground to start off the fake relationship, while the two of you could learn about one another. It had to look real in public after all, Hawks wanted people off his back.

         Although, the last night the two of you had spent together after the bar had certainly been real. It had also left you so sore you could barely walk the next day, but that was another story for another day.

         The two of you sit down in one of the further rows, but not in the back. You have a good view of the screen; you notice as you sit down with Hawks.  You look over to him, and see that carefully guarded neutral expression on his face again. It’s almost as if there’s a mask he has under the skin of his face, that snaps back into place whenever it falters for a little, or he actually shows something of his true thoughts.

         It was almost eerie how well he did it, how second nature it seemed to him. No wonder the press couldn’t get shit on him, you thought, he’s not exactly an open book to read, and he’s actively trying to make it harder for people. You wondered if it was just because he preferred his privacy or if he had a really big secret that he felt he needed to keep.

         That was almost amusing, thinking the reason Hawks was so mysterious is some large secret that there was pressure on him to keep.

         The opening previews shook you out of your thoughts, seeing one for a book to movie adaptation that was coming out soon and you were super pumped to see. It had your favourite director working on it, and they said they’d worked closely with the author during the script writing process you and were really hopeful that it would turn out well.

         You looked to Hawks to whisper this to him in excitement and he leans over so you could whisper it so as to not disturb the people around you. When you’re done, he turns to whisper back in your ear, “Guess we’ll be back at the movies soon then.” He watches your face become a bright smile, a little heat in your face from excitement and a little embarrassment as he was giving you his full attention as you fangirled a bit.

         The movie was actually pretty decent, you thought during the middle of it. The acting carried the script though, and they were lucky at how much chemistry there was between the actors given most of them hadn’t done movies with each other before. A little way after that, Hawks leaned back in his chair, actually more relaxed than you’d ever seen him before, as he brought his arm back around you. You rolled your eyes at the little cliché he’d performed, but still found it sweet. You could feel the warmth he gave off and it made you feel comfortable and safe.

         After the movie, the two of you parted ways, but not before he gave you a sweet kiss on the cheek, and the promise to see you soon.

         “I’m going to be really busy the next few weeks, so it might be a little while before we can do something like this again.” He warned, “Things are really picking up with criminal activity and such.”

         “If you were going to be so busy you should be at home resting,” you scold, and then your eyes widen in shock at what you’d just blurted out. “I, uh- I mean…” you try to recover but Hawks was laughing hard.

         “Trying to get rid of me so soon? I thought the date was pretty fun, myself.” He teases, seeing what you’ll do next.

         “It was! Just um-, you’ve got to be safe out there and stuff. So, you should get your rest, I would understand if you had to cancel because of that.” You finish a little lamely.

         “That’s very sweet, Y/N, it really is. But honestly? Doing something like this is way more of a recharge for me. Makes me relax a little bit. So, thank you for the nice date. That is if you’ll have me?” he cocks an eyebrow with a crooked smile.

         “Of course, now go get some sleep, bird brain.” He chuckles, and with a wave he’s off, streaking through the air. You’re hit with a bit of a gust of wind, but seeing him fly up close? Totally worth it.

         You turn around and start walking to the bus stop that’ll take you back home, it had been quite a good date and you were in high spirits.

         You could see this whole arrangement working out quite well for you, if that first date was anything to go by.

           The fourth date was the one that he really started to show you what actually lay beneath the mask that he put on all the time. The two of you had been texting over a few weeks, and because he was so busy, a couple short get togethers happened, but this was the first time he had a whole day off for a long time.

         The topics the two of you had been texting about varied to asking simple questions about what kind of tea was your favourite, to what you thought would happen to you after you died. That had been a weird night, but you saw the next day it had been because Hawks had been on patrol and had been unable to completely save people from a villain. It had been one person out of hundreds, but you could feel his guilt through the screen.

         Among the lighter topics though, you found out that Hawks hadn’t really ever learned how to cook or bake. He said that he never learned from anyone, so he mostly did takeout and easy to make meals. You decided it would be fun to teach him how to bake, there were a few sweet treats that were easy enough to do. Certainly, he’d be able to handle it, you thought, especially since he made so many other difficult things look easy.

         Hawks, in fact, could not handle it, you’d later find out.

         The doorbell rings, and you take off your apron that you’d been wearing to get the baking started so that it wouldn’t take as long. There was still a fair amount of work to do, and the icing had to be made. You’re really hoping he enjoys it, it’s a new idea and you’re a little nervous.

You greet him and take his coat to hang it up as he takes off his shoes, he’s wearing cargo pants and unmatching socks, one pink and the other grey, along with a black t-shirt. You let him look around a bit before directing him to the kitchen a little nervously.

“Um, so I was thinking because you said you’d never really baked before that we could try and make a little something?” you’re fiddling with the hem of your shirt as he grabs your hands to stop you from doing that.

“That sounds like a really fun idea, Y/N. It’s really cute.” He gives you a quick smile as you smile at the praise. “Now. What are we making Chef?”

You giggle a bit at that. “I was thinking a carrot cake with some buttercream icing.”

“Well that doesn’t sound easy.” You shush him.

“It is! And I’ve already done some of it, so we can eat it sooner.”

He looks unconvinced. “I don’t know if I can handle this.”

“It’s baking,” you scoff. “You save people for a living, I’m pretty sure you can handle some baking.”

Famous last words, the start wasn’t to bad, Hawks fallowing your instructions carefully. It was when he got confident that he first fucked it up.

“So, now all you have to do is whip this with the blender for a few minutes around the bowl. When it starts getting a thicker consistency let me know, because that’s when you have to hand do it.” You’d decided on cinnamon rolls with a nice smooth icing on top that would become a glaze.

“Got it,” he chirps, putting the metal parts of the hand mixer in the bowl before starting it up and putting to medium high like you’d instructed him to do. “Maybe you were right, sweets, this isn’t too bad.”

“See? Even a bird brain like you can get it!” you laugh.

And then it happened.

After you said that to him, he turned around to give you a playful spank on the ass, forgetting he’d been holding the bowl on the counter in place with his hand. At the same time, he lifted the hand holding the mixer.

You both let out a sharp cry of surprise, you from getting slapped and both of you from the loud crash and the bowl goes flying and the icing gets flung everywhere. You look at him slack-jawed as he frantically turns off the hand mixer and gives you a sheepish look.

“Oops?” he says with a nervous smile.

“Oh. My god.” You get out before you start laughing so hard you’re keeled over, your stomach starting to hurt. “What the fuck Hawks? Hahah! How did you manage to get the bowl to fly that far!”

He scratches his hair and laughs along with you. “I’m actually really unsure, I honestly thought that I was going to get through this without messing it up. Sorry I ruined the icing, Y/N.”

You wave your hand. “It’s fine, cinnamon rolls are still good without the toppings.”

“Hold up.” You turn over and he has a calculating look on his face. “Is this why you did most of the mixing before I got here.”

“Noooooo…… of course not.” You say unconvincingly, knowing he already knows the answer.

“You’re so mean to me,” he pouts, sticking out his bottom lip like a child.

“Hey, but now we can still eat the cinnamon roles! So that’s a good thing.” You say brightly, swiping a bit of the icing with your finger and popping it in your mouth. He looks down at you and for once his eyes crinkle with a genuine smile and your heart skips a beat. He’s absolutely stunning, you think.

“Uh, let’s get – let’s get this all cleaned up, alright?” you get out turning yourself around to distract your thoughts from him. And his eyes, when they crinkle, and oh my god he’s such a cutie, what the fuck?

You somehow manage to avoid acting like a fool for the remainder of the time while the two of you clean up, trading words and jokes with one another, the conversation flowing like a lazy stream.

When they were done you squealed out in excitement and grabbed some mitts to take out the pan but as soon as you open the oven door, some feathers zip in to grab it. You look over at him and he gives you an innocent smile.

“Wouldn’t want you to accidentally drop them.” You scowl.

“I’m not the one who made a mess of the whole kitchen, you dork.”

“Fair enough, where do I put these?”

“Just put the tray on the pads in the dining room, I’m going to make some tea.”

“Alright.”

Once the water is heated, you grab a few different packets to see what he wants, and make your way over to the table with him. You gesture at the tea packets, and he takes the Camomile tea and you open the kettle to let him drop it in.

“Now we just have to wait for the tea to steep and the rolls to cool down! Not too bad if I do say so myself.” You tell him happily. It had been really fun watching him do something so carefree, he seemed more relaxed than normal.

“It was really fun Y/N.” he said with what you thought genuine sincerity. “I never got to really do this before, and it was a lot different than I thought it would be baking with someone.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it Hawks!”

“Uh, you could call me Takami? That’s my family name. Keigo Takami.” He says, stumbling over it a bit, as if the words were trying to rush themselves out of his mouth.

You pour out the tea into the cups you have, and you watch him dive into the rolls, face lit up. He really likes his sweets, and he says how good they are and how he was so amazed he’d had a part in making them.

“Most of the stuff I try to cook either tastes bland, gross, or its burnt.” He mentions offhandedly.

You look at him closely. “Seriously? I’m going to have to teach you how to cook so you can actually get some healthy food into you aren’t I?”

“You don’t have to do that!”

“Yes, I do.” He doesn’t argue with you, knowing that the battle is lost, and accepts it with a sigh.

The two of you finish the night by watching a movie, which leads to something, which leads to something else… It was a pretty awesome date night you think as you drift off to sleep.

           Although doing ‘couple-like’ things in public, you found the two of you were growing closer as friends, at least, outside of any bedrooms. There was something free and liberating about being a friend (with benefits) to Keigo, and you got to glimpse the tiny parts of his life that had physical forms, whether it be photos, or actions or stories.

         The more you learned though, the more you wanted to know more about him, to understand him and be there for him.

         You saw how lonely he actually was, he really wasn’t joking when he’d said that to you on the first night the two of you had seen each other in person. How his life when he wasn’t being the Number Two Hero was empty as if he didn’t really know what to do with it, as if he were lost and didn’t really know himself either.

         The only picture he had of people in his house was one with him, and a middle-aged woman with weary eyes that must’ve been his mother. The photo was a little yellowed, and a little crumpled, but the frame was simple wood with intricate carvings on the side. There was a wooden flower beside it.

         What had happened to him? To his family?

         Sometimes when you called him Keigo as you entered a room and he wasn’t facing you; he would shudder as if someone had a knife pressed to his throat, and there was nothing that he could do about it. Or when sometimes he would dose off and mumble in his sleep for someone to help him, he promises he’d do better next time… You always tried to wake him up gently when that happened, and he’d thank you and then shut down any attempts to talk about it. Every time. Not a single word.

         So, you let it be.

         Obviously, he didn’t know how to not be alone, and it stung you to the very core that nobody else was really there for him.

         Everyone needs a friend, and you were happy to be that friend for him.

           You realized the predicament you were in suddenly one day as you were going into your regular café for your morning coffee, ordering one for yourself and one for the winged hero who you planned to spend some time before patrol with. You didn’t even second guess ordering his coffee just as he liked it, excited to see the smile on his face when you’d give it to him. He’d still get surprised by the little gestures you’d do to show him that you cared, that it wasn’t just a game for you, that you were his friend.

         You hadn’t realized how rare it was to get a genuine smile from him, but you were willing to do so much just to see it. Then it hit you. You wouldn’t go to these lengths for any friend, Keigo was special to you in a way that the other’s in your life weren’t. You think you know what that means, and it terrifies you.

         You knew he didn’t do the whole relationship aspect, he’d said as much, and everything in his life had backed that up as well.

         The barista has to call you a couple times for you to snap you out of your mild panicked thoughts, looking a little annoyed. You quickly apologize, shoving your feelings down and grabbing the coffees hastily as you make your way to the place where he’d be meeting you. You were going to be a couple minutes late, which always made you flustered, and on top of that you were freaking out about trying to keep those emotions you’d buried down there.

         They were not going to see the light of day, you promised yourself that. Maybe you could cram them down so far deep that they’d disappear.

         Ha. As if. You knew it wasn’t going to be that easy, but that was a later problem that you weren’t prepared to deal with right now.

         When you get there, a smile does light up his face as he thanks you, relishing the coffee. The two of you start walking down the street, Hawks waving at people who yell at him, putting on that fake-smile-that-looks-real for people who ask him to join them in a picture, or sign something for them.

         He did it all with patience, but through the cracks you could see the weariness dripping through. The way he put it was that he wanted to do as little work as possible. You assume that’s for this part of the hero business as well.

         “Well, thank you for your support! I’ll be sure to do my best, don’t worry.” He says to a little boy, bending down and flicking his hat, which gets a smile and a giggle from the kid. “Thank you all for your support!” he says loudly as he stands up, and people cheer before easily making their way away from him, the dismissal clear.

         The two of you sip your coffee as you walk down the street. You said you’d go for a quick walk around the city with him before he has to clock in for patrol. While you’re walking, he laces his fingers with yours.

         “You don’t mind, do you?” he mutters under his breath. Your pulse is fluttering but you shake your head no and sip on your coffee. “Good, it’s getting chilly.”

         After you drop him off you can’t help but look at your hand and smile, giggling to yourself a bit as you squeeze your hand. His hand had been so smooth compared to what you thought it would be like, but then again, he didn’t really fight with his fists and he wore gloves. It had felt so good though, the weight of his hand in yours.

           After you noticed how you felt about Keigo though, it became harder and harder to try and ignore the feelings that seemed to bubble up whenever the two of you would talk or text or hang out. Little pangs of excitement would ring out against your will whenever the chime of the ringtone you’d set for him would sound.

         You perk up a little as once again it alerts, going over to read what he sent you.

Keigo: gonna have to be away a little more in the next few weeks -_-

Y/N: aww why :(

Keigo: secret stuff shhhhhh. I gotta go check out some weird villain movement

Y/N: stay safe ok?

Keigo: don’t worry, they won’t catch me im too fast :P

Y/N: srsly if you die ill kill you >:(

           You don’t hear from it at all in the next few weeks, and you didn’t realize how much the two of you had been in contact with, but your days felt strangely empty without the noise that he made so often.

         You missed him, and more than that, you were worried about him so much. Since when did top heroes go on secret assignments? Wasn’t that stuff for the underground heroes to take care of? Why did he sound so calm about it?

         The questions whirled around in your head, day in and day out. The couple of weeks pass in a daze for you, everything seeming out of wack in your life. Part of you was angry at yourself for being so distracted by him, and the other part was busy screaming all the worst-case scenarios that could happen to him. You have nightmares about him injured and bleeding, eyes lifeless. You check your phone at least a few times whenever you can, just seeing if maybe he’s sent a text to you.

         You’ve sent him a few messages here and there, small things like “I hope you’re doing ok!”, or “I miss you”, or “I’m really hoping you’re safe.”

         In the middle of the third week, you hear that chime and you jump up, excited. It’s a short message, but he must be exhausted from his mission, he was away for so long. He asked if you could go over to his apartment sometime soon. Said he needed to talk to you and stuff. His text was short and to the point, he seemed nervous about something.

         Some of the worries had disappeared at the ringing noise came creeping back at that, but you responded that you would whenever you were both free. He said that he’d be off of work for a little while, which was concerning, so you were going over tomorrow. You settled in for a rough night.

           What were you supposed to bring to someone’s house when they had been tossed into secret mission to track down some dangerous villains and were most likely injured? There wasn’t a handguide on that unfortunately, but you did know that he loved one of the soups you had made one time. So, you made some in the morning when you got up, put it in a container and on your way to his apartment for lunch.

         Hopefully that would be acceptable, even though you knew Keigo didn’t really care that much about pomp and other gifts. You think he was grateful to have some company, he loved being on the move and sitting still for a long time would be a special type of hell.

         So, you wanted to do something nice for him.

         In all honesty, you didn’t think it would be that bad when he opened the door with a bruised and cut face, as well as an arm sling with his ribs all bandaged up.

         “Oh my god!” you screamed, your free hands flying up to your face. “What the hell happened to you!” he shushes you and pulls you into the apartment.

         “Not so loud! It’s not public!” he chastises you.

         “Oh, right sorry. I’m just – Keigo, what happened to you? You disappear for almost three full weeks and you come back looking as if someone used you as a punching bag.”

         “Surprisingly enough, that metaphor is rather accurate.” You feel your eyes bugging out of your head and he sees that. “Hey! Don’t worry, this isn’t the worse I’ve been beaten up- Oh god that’s probably not comforting.”

         “No, it isn’t! Is there anything you can tell me?” you plead.

         He shakes his head sadly, pretending to zip up his lips and lock them. “But I can tell you that I’ll be back to normal in about a week or so. I could also tell you about the people I met that weren’t y’know, villains. And you brought soup! You’re the best dove.” You blush a little at the new nickname, but you did notice that the nervousness he’d had when he’d been texting with was definitely still there and it put you off a little bit.

         The two of you ate, the only sounds coming from eating, and the brief comments that Keigo was giving about where he’d been. You nodded in interest, interjecting every once and a while to ask a question for detail.

         After the meal, the two of you sat down together in silence until Keigo cleared his throat.

         “Can I talk to you about something more serious?” You nodded, here came what he’d been stressing about since last night. “God, ok this is harder than I thought for some reason.” He gives a dry chuckle. You stay silent. “Um, I think we’re going to have to take a break from the whole ‘side benefits’ we got going along, you okay with that, dove?” ah. So, this was it. You could feel your heartbeat in your ears. But at least you knew what, now you wanted to hear the why.

         But Keigo was fickle, he didn’t like being backed into a corner. If you would’ve directly asked, you’d get no answer that would satisfy you. So you sit their with your heart falling out of your chest.

         “I mean, if that’s what you want.” You say as neutrally as possible, trying to hide the hurt from your features. It didn’t work as well as you planned based on Keigo’s scowl.

         “You’ve got to talk to me, what about that makes you upset?”

         “It’s nothing, I’ll get over it. I knew this wouldn’t last forever.” You mutter, trying to shrug him off. At least this way you could get over him, maybe.

         “I did say no guarantees at the beginning,” he frowns. It felt like he was rubbing it into your face, and it fucking stung like a cut being washed with rubbing alcohol. “I told you that I’m not good with this whole interpersonal thing.”

         “Yeah, I fucking know that!” each word was like a sting, and your voice echoes in the empty apartment. “Can you at least tell me why.” You hate that your voice cracks on that last sentence.

“There’s this someone I’ve been talking too, when I was out there. A little rough around the edges, but really fucking amazing. I was trying to slip into their friend group you know? Turns out we felt the same way.”

         You feel your heart drop out of your chest and into your stomach. “Wow, Keigo! That’s amazing, I’m so happy for you!” you hear yourself say. The words ring hollow, but he’s so wrapped up in his excitement that for once, he doesn’t notice.

         “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before,” he enthuses, impassioned. “It’s like a totally different wavelength you know.” His feathers were doing this cute little ruffling, and your heart ached. You had to keep your hand back from going to smooth them. Some nights, when the two of you were just hanging out and relaxing, he’d let you smooth them out. He said it felt good, and the texture always made you feel calm.

         You needed some of that calm right now.

         “I’m glad you found someone then.” And you really were, you knew how alone he was. You were happy he found someone he liked. You just wish it had been you.

           You think it was some type of torture, watching Keigo fall in love with someone else. The way he’d talk with his eyes lighting up, the way that he’d do that thing where his feathers would ruffle when he’d think of them with a dopey smile on his face when he thinks you’re too occupied to pay attention to him.

         It fucking killed you when it happens, although you made no effort to break away from him. You couldn’t. You knew that he needed you there, he’d said as much with his small actions, the way he thanked you every time you spent time with him.

         You wondered what you had done to deserve this.

           Eventually, it was too much for you too handle, when he’d started leaving the city more often to go visit them, you started making excuses for why you didn’t have as much time for him in the few weeks.

         “Works really busy this week sorry.”

         “Oh, I’m sick, and I wouldn’t want you to catch it”

         “I’m sorry I’m really tired, I can’t hang out today.

You couldn’t get over him, and you couldn’t tell him either. It seems you could do nothing but ache while he prospered.

It was hard, making distance. You hadn’t realized how close the two of you had gotten, and you hadn’t realized that you had needed him as much as he needed you.

         The phone rings and you see the caller.

         Of course, it’s him. It seems no matter how you try to distance yourself you can’t really get away from him. It always seems like you’re in his wingspan. Always in his reach.

         You pick up the phone, “Hey Keigo! What’s up.”

           You were a fucking fool. Keigo might’ve been the one with the wings, but you’d flown too close to the sun that you’d wanted to see and learn about. The sun that you’d wanted to bask in the warmth in and claim as your own.

         You’d forgotten one of the first things that he’d texted you.

         It hurt so bad.

         You were such an idiot.

           At first when Keigo said he’d been dumped a few months later; you didn’t believe him. Who the fuck would tell Hawks that he wasn’t good enough for them?

         “Ha-ha, very funny joke Keigo.” You say sarcastically. “Don’t stand there out in the rain, idiot.” You gesture for him to come inside.

         He makes his way over the doorstep, eyes unfocused as if he hadn’t even noticed the fact that it was raining. He wordlessly hands you his phone, and you gasp at the text that he’d been sent.

         They said he couldn’t be trusted, that they didn’t want to work to get him to open himself up, that even he wasn’t worth the amount of effort they’d need to use in order to actually get to know him.

         “Still don’t believe me?” His voice cracks on the last word, as he takes a deep breath to compose himself.

         “Fuck, Keigo. I’m so sorry. I didn’t- I’m so sorry.” You bring him in, sit him down and go grab him a towel with some old clothes one of your exes had left in your home when you’d broken up.

         You hand it to him and tell him to shower if he wants to, but at least put some dry clothes on. He listlessly follows your instructions, and you’ve never seen him look so dull. It scared you. While he’s busy though – you vaguely hear your shower in the background get turned on – as you put some tea on. Chamomile, his first choice all those months ago. It was his comfort tea. You also slipped into your room to grab the softest blanket you had.

         You waited about half an hour for him, so you turned on the gas fireplace in the room, warming yourself and staring into the flames as you waited.

         Who would say something so terrible?

         You’d never met his partner, Keigo was secretive at the best of times, but when it came to people, he was especially paranoid. You knew it was because he’d amassed enemies in his years as a pro, but sometimes it was frustrating to deal with.

         However, they must have been truly awful to say something like that.

         You wonder if they would’ve said that stuff if they’d seen the empty apartment, bare of most things that gave a house a character. The lone photo which looked to be at least a decade, maybe closer to two, years old.

         You wonder if they had seen past the mask too, and if that had scared them. Or maybe they hadn’t even noticed it in the first place given the wording of the final text. You knew the pain Keigo was going through, you lived through it every. Single. Day.

         You hated seeing it, but a small selfish part of you celebrated the fact that you had a chance again.

         Pathetic.

         You place your head in your hands, trying to clean your thoughts. You needed to be here for him again, and you were going to be.

         When he walks into the room, he notices you and slumps down into the couch, his eyes red, and his jaw clenched.

         But he wasn’t crying, and it didn’t look like he had either. The rest of his face would be messed up and red if that were the case.

         “You can let it out, Keigo.” You put a hand on his arm and rubbed comforting circles into his back, trying to ease him through it. “You don’t have to keep everything bottled up inside.”

         He laughs bitterly at that, and you’re taken aback. “Yeah, actually, I do. But I appreciate the sentiment.”

         “Alright. Then we can just rest, and have some tea, maybe put on some calming music. Does that sound good to you?”

         He nods, he can’t look up at you though. “Thanks, Y/N.”

         “No problem, Keigo. Be right back.”

         When you do come back, he’s just laying there, staring blankly in front of him. He looks lost and confused.

         “Have you ever felt like this,” he asks in a soft voice. A surge of anger hits you, after all this time he still hasn’t noticed. But you push it down and clear your throat instead.

         “Yeah. I’ve felt like that a lot in my life.”

         “I’m sorry.” He states simply. “It’s awful.”

         “Yeah,” you agree.

         The rest of the night the two of you sit quietly, sipping tea and listening to music. At some point the two of you end up sleeping on one another.

           The weeks pass, and Keigo starts to recover, as that starts to happen, the two of you start to slip back into your previous relationship. You know it’s a mistake, but you don’t stop it. You almost encourage it, because it feels good. It feels like he actually wants you and you can believe it for a few moments before it comes crashing down around you. You know you’re a rebound, even if Keigo himself doesn’t realize that’s what he’s doing.

         So, there he is again, using you as a way to fill his life up to make up for the something he can’t have. Coping with his issues by having someone he could distract himself with, that he trusted and knew cared about his wellbeing.

         You wish you could say you hated it. But then you’d be a liar.

         Because you would take any of the time that he was willing to give to you. You were in deep, and you knew that, just wished you would have a way that you could stop it, rather than just going along for the ride, and hoping that he didn’t completely destroy your heart.

         Although that possibility seemed to be more and more likely these days.

           One day, you realize that you can’t do this anymore.

         One day, you think that you’re not going to allow yourself to do this to yourself or him anymore.

One day you decide that you have to take a full step back. No half done measures this time, the next time he called, you weren’t answering, and you weren’t listening. Maybe taking a complete break from the winged hero would somehow allow you to get over your feelings for him. Maybe the separation would do you some good, you could try and meet some new people, hang out with older friends.

         You have a plan, a way to bring it up to him, to say that you can’t do the whole song and dance with him anymore, you can’t play around because it’s messing with your head. You plan on telling him that you just need some space to rest and recover, and that you’ll be fine in a little while.

         It doesn’t happen that way.

         You’re in his apartment and you’re both eating some takeout, you’ve been on edge the entire night, and of course Keigo notices. He tries to tell you a few happy stories he’s seen that day, tries to give you space to relax. He leans in to kiss you and you panic.

         You jump up and say “I have to leave!” in a really panicked voice.

         “Woah hey, what the fuck’s going on?” He stands up, walking after you.

         “I just, I had a way to tell you- and I’m not ready and fuck I wish I didn’t have to say this but I just can’t do it!” You’re rambling, you know that, but you can’t seem to get your thoughts together, they’re bouncing around your head, refusing to slow down so you can’t catch them, and you’re sitting there panicking.

         “You need to talk to me,” he shouts, breaking you out of your daze.

         “I can’t do this anymore!” you cry out, all the bottled pain spilling up and gushing out. You can’t stop it, and you keep going. “I fell for you in week three, Keigo. WEEK THREE of our arrangement. And guess what! I still fucking love you, you absolute moron! You didn’t notice SHIT, and I didn’t say anything because I knew you didn’t feel the same way, but I knew you needed someone. And sometimes I fucking wish I didn’t, that I spoke up for myself and said something sooner because it’s brought me nothing but heartbreak after heartbreak, and so much insecurity!”

         He looks at you shocked. “Wait… you, but?”

         You laugh, a little hysterically, all the emotions bubbling over. There’s a strange sense of relief. It’s all out in the open now. “Fucking tell the press! I finally found the way to make the Hawks absolutely speechless!”

         “Wait, hold up, you need to slow down. I’m trying to understand what’s going on, and you aren’t exactly making this easier.” His eyes are wide, you’ve never seen him so completely and utterly lost. That was the final straw for you, and you start sobbing, tears streaming down your face as you try to keep your wails of pain inside.

         You put yourself together in silence, his sharp eyes trained on you, you can feel it. Your sobs and sniffles grow less and less frequent as you gain control.

         “I need space Keigo. I need to have space so I can get over you properly, and I couldn’t do it before, I thought I could! I just need to sort everything out, please.” You’re pleading with him, your voice drained and emotionless. “Just, don’t contact me please. Let me” You walk away before he can even answer, leaving him dumbfounded.

         He grabs your arm before you reach the door, a little rougher than he usually is. “You don’t get to say all these things without even giving me a chance to respond!” His usually calm exterior is flustered, a little unhinged with panic and anger.

         “I can! I told you how I feel! Nothing you say will be able to change how I feel right now Keigo! Nothing!” you feel your heart ripping to shreds as you see, for the first time in your one on one time in months, the mask returning as he looks it over too.

         “Got it.” He says short and clipped off. “Thanks for just cutting me off like everyone else did. Get the fuck out of my apartment.”

         You go, quietly, unable to look him in the eye. The door slams behind you, with an ominous thud.

           The first time you gather up the courage to call him again to apologize, he doesn’t pick up. You expected that. You were hoping for that because you weren’t sure if you had the strength to say it to him.

         You tell him you’re sorry. You tell him you know you made mistakes, that you knew you didn’t communicate right and you should’ve trusted him with that. You tell him you miss him because you do. He’d wormed his way into the cracks in your heart that he’d had a part in making.

         You tell him you want to have a place in his life, and that he still has a place in yours, but you’re not ready yet.

         You don’t know if he got it until he calls you back. He leaves a message for you this time as you were in the shower when it rang.

         He tells you he understands now, even though it hurt like hell. He says he’s going to give you space, but would still leave you messages every once in a while. He says that of course you’re going to have a place in his life. He says that you’re the only person in a long time that had even bothered to get to see what was underneath his persona. He says that when you’re ready, to either call him back, or answer one of his calls.

         So that’s how it happens. On some good days and some bad days, Keigo calls you. You listen to every single one, multiple times. Your feelings don’t die down though. You don’t know what else you can do but wait. The sad messages tear at your heart, but you know you can’t be there for him right now properly.

         One of them you can’t help but hear and think that you need to call him, need to reach out to him. He’d sounded desperate in a way you hadn’t heard from him before and it chilled you down to the bone.

         But you don’t. You’re too scared of what you’ll do or say.

         On one of the days where you can’t sleep, you sit and stare at your ceiling, thinking about nothing much. Idle thoughts about the project you were working on, what you had to stock up on the next time you went shopping, the puzzle that you’d gotten stuck on in the current level of your video game.

         That’s when the ringing broke out on your bedside table. That ringtone. You still loved him, and he never called this late. You picked up the phone.

         “It’s two am, I know that, but I need you Y/N…”

         “Hawks? What’s going on. Are you ok?”

         He laughs loudly, “Fuck, no. Can I come over?” He almost manages to hide the waver in his voice.

         You sigh, putting a hand to your temple. “I’m sorry, but you can’t come to me anymore, you know that.” You say it softly.

         “You picked up.”

         “I did.”

         “You still love me.”

         “Goddamn it Keigo, yes! Is that what you really wanted to hear right now at two in the morning?”

         His tone switches to serious. “No. That’s not it at all. Please. It’s important.”

         “I could just hang up.”

         “You won’t.”

         You let out a stream of curses that would make a sailor blush.

         “Fine.” You give in with a groan and the starting of a stress headache. “I’m leaving the door unlocked for 10 minutes. That’s all you have.”

         “That’s way more than I need.” You hear the click of the receiver tone and you move your ass out of bed, going to go unlock the door. There you wait in your pjs, your arms crossed glaring at the door and daring it to open.

         Before the 10 minutes is up, it defies you and clicks open, and in he comes.

         “Hey.” He just looks at you, and he looks exhausted. “Thanks for listening.”

         You resist the urge to just run up to him and take him into your arms. He’d feel so good to cuddle. Instead you say in a wary voice; “What do you want Keigo, it’s late and I’m tired.”

         “I know,” he whispers. “I am too, but.” He swallows hard. “I needed to see you before. Before everything gets fucked up.”

         “What the hell are you talking about? And close the door it’s cold outside.” He follows your instructions without complaint and quietly.

         “You’re going to want to be sitting down for this,” he warns.

         You can see he’s not playing around, so you heed him and sit on the couch, and he sits on the chair, dragging it over so he’s opposite you.

         “First off. An explanation of what I mean.” You gesture at him to carry on. “Remember those villains I had to check up on? Well, they were actually mobilizing an attack on the Hero Commission HQ which is in the city.”

         “No way, seriously?” you can’t believe that they would get that bold so soon. It was insane, and yet, you believed it.

         “Well yeah. I came by to warn you, because there’s going to be so much chaos, and in that chaos, it’s more likely for you to either die or get hurt.” Your hands found their way to your hair, brushing through it nervously. “Hey, hey, listen Y/N” he goes to hold your shoulder’s and looks you in the eye. “The heroes have been preparing for a few months now, taking out some of the villains they can. Everyone’s going to have a much better chance of survival. But staying inside and not opening to door for anyone? That’s going to keep you safest. Understand?” You nod.

         Something niggled at the back of your mind though. “You said first thing.”

         “Yeah…”

         “Well? Are you going to tell me?”

         “You’re going to slap me.”

         “Well that’s not a fucking good sign.”

         He rubs the back of his neck. “Well, I figured out why you’d shocked me so much with what you’d said. When we went our separate ways for a little while.”

         You felt your stomach sink. This couldn’t be good, why did he have to bring that up now. “Yeah?”

         “I didn’t trust my partner with anything that I’d shown you. You were the only person I’ve opened up too since… well a long time let’s put it like that. I haven’t really actually let myself feel things for a while, so I misunderstood them. I thought they were hot; I liked the look and the way they talked. I wasn’t falling love with them. I was in love with you the whole time and I didn’t realize it.” You felt like your heart stopped beating.

         “Keigo?”

         “Yes?”

         “You didn’t think to actually say that in one of your fucking messages?”

         “I didn’t think you were ready to hear it.”

         “I mean maybe not, but it would’ve saved a lot of headache!”

         “I’m sorry.” He says, “I’m learning, but I’m trying my best if you’ll take me?”

         “Of course, I will you stupid bird. It’s going to take work, but I know where I went wrong.”

         “Me too. I believe in us. Heh, us. I like the sound of that.” He has a goofy smile on his face.

         “Oh my god you’re such a dork.” You lean up to press a light kiss on his lips, which he eagerly responds too. “You look exhausted though. Let’s get you into bed, so you can protect the city hero.”

         “Sounds amazing to me.” He follows you into the room, stripping down and snuggling you.

         “I’m likely going to be gone by the time you wake up, y’know?”

         You sigh. “You better not die on me or I’ll kill you.”

         “For you? I’ll stay as safe as possible.”

         “Good.”

           The next day, everything was in chaos, just like Keigo had said it would be. You didn’t even need to leave your house to know that. You saw it on your phone screen as you stayed hidden in your closet, to terrified to move or do anything else. A couple buildings had fallen near you, but luckily your building had stayed safe.

         You don’t remember much else about that day. Fear. Praying that the people you cared about would be safe. Darkness. The sounds of massive explosions and destruction.

         Terrible.

           There were massive body counts of all different people, with varying quirks, lives, beliefs and goals. The damage was catastrophic. You almost couldn’t believe that it had been better than what would’ve happened if there wasn’t early intel and missions.

         You noticed though, that everyone was treated the same in death. Hero, civilian, villain, vigilante, all of them were buried properly, paid for by the Commission themselves. Some of the villains had escaped, there were lots more dead hero students than people wanted to admit, and everyone was more beaten down and broken than before.

         But…

         Nobody had seen or heard anything about Hawks though. It was as if he’d simply vanished into thin air, and the only thing that kept you sane? They hadn’t found his body.

         What about that cremation guy? The traitorous voice in your head spoke out. You told it to fuck off.

         Hawks, Keigo, was not dead. He couldn’t be. You’d finally reached an understanding!

         You refused to allow the possibility in your mind.

           It was a week later when you finally got some news. There was a call from the hospital, and you immediately, you picked up.

         “Is this Y/N Y/LN?”

         “Yes,” you practically shout. “Yes, I am.” You say a bit softer.

         “I’m calling about a Keigo Takami? Do you know this man?”

         “Yes, yes, I do, please is he alive?” you can’t keep the desperation from your voice.

         There’s a pause. “…Yes. He is alive. They’re trying to test to see what the extent of the damage is. You were the only other person other than his mother to be on his emergency contact list, yet you have no relation to him, were you aware of this?”

         “Yes,” the lie comes easily, despite the surprise bubbling up.

         He gives you the address and you promise to be there as soon as you can. You can deal with this, you think, he’s alive and so the two of you can work on it and fix it together like you’d planned.

         Except you couldn’t.

         Little to no brain function, they said. Halfway done the process to become a host body for a new nomu, they said. How were you supposed to fix everything together if Keigo was right there, but also completely gone?

         You collapsed into the chair beside his bed, looking over at him. The man you’d loved for over half a year. The doctors went silent, all of them leaving except for one, who stood silently. You reached out and held his hand in yours. Still softer and smoother than what a pro hero’s hand should be like. Still warm, like the first time you’d held it. You could even feel his pulse.

         It was almost funny; you were finished before the two of you even got started. You couldn’t even say that the two of you had ever truly been together, but that’s what made it hurt more, you think. Nobody would believe you, a random nobody? Dating the number two pro hero? Yeah what an attention whore.

         You sat there, tears building in your eyes, and spilling out

         “Keigo, please just give me one more message?” you whisper, crying harder now. “I’ll be waiting for it, so you better call me when you’re ready, because I’ll be waiting for you.”

[ohokimdumb]

Carlos Oliveira Imagine (Intoxicated) 🥃💚😓

 Request: Can I request an imagine where Carlos has to take care of the drunk friend(reader) and she confesses her feelings?

A/N: So, In case anyone was curious...the song that helped inspire me to write this piece is MGK-BLOODY VALENTINE ♥ I’d also like to apologize because I may have used my nickname for Carlos in this imagine...”MOPHEAD” IM SO SORRY actually not really that sorry. This imagine is also great to write because I’m hungover from drinking four different hard liquors and doing molly so this is great to write...and I feel great smile I’m super happy about this imagine, cause I think it’s super cute and I want someone to care for me this way. I’m literally hurting my own feelings with my work I’m not okay

Word count: 1.4k

You twirled and shook your hips to the music that blasted from your TV. You spun around and around on your coffee table as you sung the lyrics to your favorite song. You would definitely get complaints from your neighbors in the morning, but you didn’t care. The world was falling apart around you; it was time to drink and dance to the sound of music destroying your eardrums, while not caring about the consequences. You took a large gulp of whiskey. It burned your throat on the way down, but it would soon make you feel amazing and careless. All you were wearing was a t-shirt you stole from Carlos and white lace panties.

You felt yourself grow dizzy so you made the executive decision to sit on the couch and relax to avoid a concussion at all costs. You looked over at your phone, it was dry as the desert as always. You were...lonely. You missed him.

“Should I text him?” You asked yourself. As you talked to yourself, you felt less lonely. It was truly sad when you thought about how empty you were after the fall of Raccoon City and R.P.D. You sloppily took another swig of the cheap whiskey. You didn’t feel like spending a lot of money of good, expensive alcohol that Carlos would enjoy. It didn’t matter, he wasn’t there. After a few more seconds of staring at your phone, debating a question you already knew the answer to the moment the words came from your mouth. You dizzily grabbed your phone and located your messages. It wasn’t easy being drunk.

The words started to morph together as you tried to concentrate on what to say.

“Heeeeyyyyy, what ya doing mophead?” You awkwardly laughed at your attempt to tease him; you really were getting hit hard by the fifteen dollar whiskey. Your phone made a whooshing sound, letting you know the message sent. A couple minutes later as the alcohol set in even more, your phone buzzed.

“Mophead?????” He questioned your new nickname for him. In a weak attempt to text back, your sight grew blurry as you struggled to make out the letters on your phone. You began to mumble and slur to yourself as what would be considered a “brain dead” activity made you feel like it was college all over again.

“Your hair is amazing, and it smells great too. What’s your secret???” After five minutes of hard thought, you sent the text. Your phone immediately buzzed. As you tried to reach your phone, you lazily spilled whiskey on the carpet.

“Fucking...Great.” You sighed, your eyes widened at what Carlos said in response.

“Call me.” Carlos responded. Was it that obvious? You hesitated before calling. Why did he want you to call? Why was he awake? It was close to 3 AM. You swallowed and dialed his number. Anxiety crawled up your spine as the phone rang. After four rings, Carlos’ tired husky voice hit the back of your ear. You were scared to say something, you weren’t sure why. You and Carlos had always been close; he was the type of friend who would never betray your trust. You trusted him with your life.

“Hey, y/n. How are you doing?” His voice was rough and it was the most attractive thing you heard in weeks. For some reason you could smell his exclusive cologne he bought from Brazil. He constantly wore it around you; he knew you liked how it smelled.

“I...am...great.” You slurred your words and Carlos instantly knew you had been drinking. He chuckled in a tired, quiet tone.

“Vodka?” He guessed. You shook your head, thinking he was able to see you through the phone.

“Cheap whiskey...” you said lazily.

“Ugh, why would you do that to yourself? It’s like drinking straight gasoline.” He voice became more even as he started to wake up.

“Oh my bad, Mr. exclusive.” You laughed and Carlos sighed.

“Is it cool if I come over?” He asked. You paused and thought about it. Why would you want to say no? The entire reason you texted him in the first place was because you missed him. Don’t say no!

“It’s almost 3 AM, you know that right?” You wanted to confirm Carlos’ awareness.

“Only someone as special as you could steal my hours of sleep.” Carlos took your response as a yes and said he’d be right over. He didn’t live too far away; a few blocks at most.

As you sat in place on the cheap couch you bought off craigslist, you forgot you were only in a t-shirt and undies. By the time Carlos walked in you realized what you were wearing. Honestly, you were too drunk to care. You threw your head back as the ceiling spun, Carlos calmly walked over to you. He noticed that almost all the bottle of whiskey was gone. He was happy he came over.

“Did you drink all of that?” He asked in a worried tone.

“Me, myself and I.” You giggled without effort and Carlos smirked. He knew you were struggling with how things were in the world. It wasn’t easy losing the job you loved, your hometown, and losing to Umbrella Corp. Carlos snatched the bottle from your reach and emptied it in the sink.

“I...was still...drinking that...” You argued with what little energy you had left.

“Trust me, it’s not worth drinking.” Carlos replied and took his jacket off, tossing it over the head of the couch. You rolled your eyes and held your arms out. All you wanted to smell him and have him hold you close. Carlos leaned back on the other end of the ouch and pulled you into his lap by your arms. You plopped lazily into his warm, lean arms and you instantly grew comfortable in his embrace.

“You always smell good, Mr. Brazil.” You were making up nicknames as the alcohol hit you harder as the minutes passed by. He chuckled at how cute you were, drunk or not. You hummed against his muscular chest as he lovingly rubbed your back. Carlos remained silent, maybe you would fall asleep if there was nothing but silence.

“Carlos I have something important to tell you.” You shot your head up and looked into his brown eyes. His eyes widened in response as you startled him; he was drifting off to sleep as well.

“I’m all ears.” Carlos leaned his head back and shut his eyes. You played with his facial hair as he chuckled.

“That tickles.” He gently held onto your wrist, rubbing the palm of your hand with his thumb.

“I-I really like you.” You slurred and Carlos curiously raised and eyebrow, his eyes were still closed.

“Enough to let me sleep over?” He smiled and you blushed deeply. Your cheeks flushed a bright red as you looked down the hall to your bedroom.

“Like...in the same bed?” You asked.

“Only if you’re comfortable...I’m just too tired to drive.” He slurred, but it wasn’t from alcohol. He was as sober as a man could be.

“I mean, of course. Did you hear what I said though?” You tried to lift yourself up, but everything began to spin. You flopped down onto his chest in defeat.

“Mhm, I like you too.” Carlos responded in an exhausted tone.

“How do I know you’re not just saying that because I’m drunk and emotional?” You tested his honesty.

“I wouldn’t be here if you weren’t special to me.” Carlos sat up as he helped you onto your feet, he kept a tight grip on your hips. You tightly latched onto his broad shoulders. Your cheeks were an even brighter red than before. Carlos didn’t want to risk you falling and hurting yourself, so he picked you up instead.

Carlos gently set you down onto your squishy bed as he pulled the sheets down from underneath your body. You smiled innocently with tired eyes as Carlos tucked you in. His eyebrows furrowed together.

“Is that my shirt?” He asked with a slight smirk planted on his face.

“Mhmm...” You hummed happily with a drunk smile on your face.

He sighed, but unbothered. You looked pretty cute and petite in his size.

Carlos took off his shirt and you tried to open your eyes more to get a better view. Carlos tossed his black shirt on your face.

“You can steal that one too, if you’d like.” He teased and slid into bed next to you. You still had a silly smile on your face as Carlos pulled you tightly into his warm arms. You didn’t notice since you fell asleep so quickly, but Carlos had been gazing down at you, waiting for you to fall asleep. It was such a pretty and adorable sight he wanted to enjoy, even though he was exhausted.