#there is worth doing- yet he still feels... like theres more. just something else he needs... and perhaps it lies within the human

[yelloworangesoda]

i hate the food situation at my house so much for the love of god. theres only so many times a man can eat ramen with nothing or tuna with nothing

[ganondoodle]

(idk if anyone wants to keep hearing my opinions on totk book stuff but-)

apparently it says that rauru DID have kids, multiple even, which yeah... is kinda necessary for zelda to even be connected to them so much so that sonia can SENSE a blood connection (which, even with all the excuses with magic, is just a little too far for me to suspend my disbelief bc its over, OVER, ten thousand years worth of generations that seperate her from them that one lil touch of the hand can sense that (feels more like an attempt to make you care about them or .. see them as zeldas "better" parents just bc they exchange a few nice words, i never got the feeling they were 'better' parents and its also kinda disrespectful to her actual parents, like sure rhoam wasnt the best but i wouldnt call rauru better just bc he was polite)- i could see maybe the light power of hylia or sth but since its the coolest dude that ever lived rauru now that had it which still doesnt make sense and makes me unreasonably annoyed and she can sense BOTH of their powers in her? nah) the fact theres NOTHING about them in the game itself is just so ... no way they planned any of this

i dont think theres anything they can do or say that wont make be believe they either

are making it up alla 'fix it in post' mentality trying to hastily explain stuff the game never bothers to do to try and appease fans or let it appear as if they thought about it at all

something went really REALLY wrong during development, which kinda seems likely given how the game turned out (im sorry i cannot let go, its not just the writing, the game design too and how little was changed in the map while being so damn expensive, i dont know how people dont feel scammed q_q)

given that they (allegedly) spent the last entire year of development on polish (where??? where????? huh??? like it would make it more understandable (EXCEPT for the price) if there was alot of trouble, which was also bc it got delayed and ... turned out like this, but they dont want to say it, especially given their reputation, with that quote i have heard way too many times 'a delayed game blah blah') i just??

are they just gonna go and do it like they did with kashiwa (kass)? "they uuuh where flying around the whole time ony cool sonau tech maschines, you just dont see or hear from them ooooorrr they were uuuuh out of the country at the time" (sending invitations to other continents to join their glorious kingdom ;) )

(bet they are also gonna say they did all the stuff like ... moving the shrines around (lol?) and lifting the islands up into the sky- which is still weird bc ... didnt they also say they were living in the sky before coming to the surface?? so where?? did they park all their islands on the surface and the mystery kids had the keys so they had to repark them back into the sky after they returned off camera?? xD also why are the islands so different as an environment if they where from the surface? like even the STONE up there is different- and if they were first in the sky then on the surface and the nback in the sky .. why is there not a single yellow tree or grass in the past- you cant really argue that it changed bc they were up there so long bc .. nothing else changed, the suddendly and totally always there sonau buildings are largely in prime condition, only some slightly moldy, and what we see of the glorious past looks barely any different from the present, aside from like ... some standard trees shuffled, no castle yet and that glowy uwu filter DESPITE that stupidly long time frame between it)

[sure-i-exist]

Something I find interesting is how the dragon riders and the rest of Berk interact. And my main takeaway? None of them really fit. And they’re only really cared about because of their dragons.

Let’s go through it one-by-one.

Snotlout:

I’m starting with him ‘cause he’s actually what got me thinking. And if you watch the shows it’s obvious he’s not liked much by the general people of Berk. He’s obnoxious, he’s annoying, etc. But what’s interesting is that, out of all the dragon riders, he’s the main one that exemplifies what a “proper Viking” is… and yet he still falls short.

Let me be clear, he’s one of the only ones group who looks most similar to the other people of berk (the other is fishlegs), he has the appearance of a Viking (broad shoulders, stout, muscular). And similarly, he’s the one who acts the most like the others of Berk (boisterous, stubborn, kinda dim at times). But for some reason, he just doesn’t fit in with everyone else, no matter how he tries.

Ruffnut & Tuffnut:

I’m putting them together here because the rest of Berk generally sees them as one duo rather than two people. They’re seen as troublesome, mischievous and a pain to deal with (all undeniably true), which I would assume makes people less comfortable hanging around them. Additionally, these two don’t act or look at all like typical vikings, which I find interesting. They’re both lanky and skinny for the most part, unlike Berk which generally consists of people who’re much bulkier, and they’re just happy to cause trouble. The rest of Berk on the whole seems tired with them. They’re not outcasts, but they don’t quite fit.

Fishlegs:

Now, Fishlegs, like Snotlout and indeed moreso than him, looks pretty like the rest of Berk, like a “classic” Viking. But his personality is what singles him out. In his case, although people respect his intelligence they tend not to respect him as an individual since he doesn’t care so much for fighting or stubbornness (in Big Man on Berk we see the rest of Berk liking him much more as Thor Bonecrusher and when he returns to himself they’re disappointed). I almost feel like people would see Fishlegs as more of a disappointment than the others because he could be a great “proper Viking” with his strength and size, but because that’s just not who he is as a person he’s more content for the quieter things in life and typically doesn’t see the point in trying to change himself (with some exceptions to this, of course)

Astrid:

Astrid both before and after the first film is seen pretty positively - she’s courageous and stubborn and fights for what she believes and can sometimes be a bit rude but that’s alright. Really, the main differences between her and the rest of Berk is solely in her appearance - she’s thin and small (“small” comparatively to the rest of Berk and even the other dragon riders to an extent as the series goes on), and of course theres a reason for this in simply that Dreamworks would not have a big girl as the love interest/one of the main characters (and here when I say “big” I mean either fat or muscular or both, cause none of it was gonna happen unfortunately). Overall, Astrid is the least out-of-place compared to the rest of Berk, to the point where I will gladly say that in canon she is just straight up the only one who really fits, but I do have my own headcanons against that.

Hiccup:

Hiccup is the most obvious one that doesn’t fit, hence why I left him for last. In the first film he doesn’t fit at all, in riders/defenders of Berk he’s growing into his place and Berk is growing into him. By the time or rtte or the second film he’s well-established as his person and his worth, but he still has that history of not fitting for most of his life, and realistically there’s still that underlying feeling of his difference.

So, I’ve gone through all of them individually. Now, what do I mean that they’re only cared about for their dragons?

Well, once again I can go one-by-one.

Hiccup: I’ll be real, he’s cared about for more than just him bringing about the dragons (just think about his inventions for one other thing). But the main thing? Bringing the dragons. People love him for that

Astrid: She created the A-Team. I think people would care a lot about that. Like Hiccup, she’s one who is actually cared for more than just her dragon-riding.

Fishlegs: Here’s where things actually get relevant. We’ve already established people cared more for him as Thor Bonecrusher than who he actually is. Just Fishlegs tho? Well, he’s useful for his dragon knowledge. And that’s kinda it in terms of how Berk as a collective views him

Ruffnut & Tuffnut: Tbh I think people would hate that they’ve got a Zippleback of all dragons, just for the sheer chaos, but in general? Dragon riding itself is respected, making the twins respected (to an extent) for being dragon riders.

Snotlout: Same deal as the twins really, the people hate he’s got a monstrous nightmare because fire hazard + Snotlout = bad news. But again, he is a proficient dragon rider, and that earns him some level of respect. The only thing that gains him respect or admiration.

So, that’s it really. While typing this out I think I realised that while Astrid and Hiccup are respected for themselves and fit (although imperfectly) in Berk by the end of rtte, but it’s the others (fishlegs, Snotlout and the twins) who just simply aren’t. Which wasn’t my original point but it still kinda works

[beans-in-your-socks]

Good Omens S2 Ending Theories: an analysis.

ok so in the aftermath of good omens s2 lots of theories have risen about Aziraphales choices and his out of character behaivour.

i will be discussing my takes on the following theories:

The Coffee theory + book of life theory

The Lie theory

Religious Trauma theory

The Last Resort theory (my own theory)

(Please feel free to make any corrections if i get any information wrong)

Starting with the coffee theory:

(i may be wrong here, this is what i have heard, i am still currently reading "the magic trick you didn't see" essay) the coffee theory :

This theory basically goes off the idea that The Metatron has laced the coffee with some sort of poison or miracle so that Aziraphale would be compliment with him and go back to heaven. there's another theory that sort of ties in with this, in that, The Metatron is meddling with the book of life.

what we know:

Poison affects celestial beings very differently than it does to humans (as seen in the flashback where Crowley chuggs a bottle of Laudanum, a very strong painkiller, which can be toxic if taken in large amounts. Usually, for humans, an overdose on Laudanum would result in a coma or loss of consciousness whereas, Crowley got high as a kite, shrunk, grew and went a little off his rocker.

The Coffe had Almond syrup

almonds symbolise Holiness and Purity

whether this a metaphor or The Metatron being evil, we cant know

he was extremely forceful in trying to get Azi to drink the coffee, as seen in the quote "are you going to drink it?"

his voice was welcoming yet there was a slight undertone of malice

when he orders the Coffee he asks for a dash of Almond Syrup, which is like very small amount but when he hands it to Aziraphale he says it has a "hefty jigger" of almond syrup, which is drastically larger than a "dash"

"do people ever ask for death" what kind of a questions is that? its so suspicous

we all know how good Neil is at adding the little details, so why else would he include the whole coffee scene and concept?

My thoughts: i think the coffe theory could be a plausible explanation of the last events of ep6. Azira's behaviour was erratic and out of character. we ALL knew something was up when he said "Nothing lasts forever". this bitch has been wearing the same outfit for 100 years.

he also intially said he doesnt want to go back to hevean, but as he drunk more coffee he became more compliment with the idea of him leading the angels.

theres also something so deeply unsettling about the elevator scene. he's smiling, almost manically. Azira was NEVER power hungry, so him taking the job as supreme archangel, without another thought, doesn't make much sense.

i will probably add more to this but that's it for now.

The Lie theory:

the lie theory states that The Metatron never said that Crowley could become and angel again, and that Aziraphale made this up so that he would feel less guilty about leaving Crowley behind, because he knew that Crowley would never, under any circumstance, come back to hevean.

frankly, this theory makes no sense. if this was the case, Metatron's whole chunk of dialogue after Crowley leaves would be unnecessary and unjustified.

he says "how did he take it?" as if asking if Crowley was coming back

"he always did want to go his own way" implying that the offer of coming back to hevean did exist and that he just declined

"always asking damn fool questions too" talking about Crowley's fall from hevean

i, personally dont think the lie theory is a justifiable explanation for the s2 ending.

The Religous Trauma theory:

probably one of the most justifable theories, the religious trauma theory is that Aziraphale has been so brainwashed by thousands of years worth of manipulation from heaven, that he just cant see how toxic they are. he desperately wants to believe they can do good, and that he can lead the good. he wants to "fix" the system, when in reality, the system is working exactly how it was built and should be demolished, not fixed, because there's nothing to fix.

this makes a lot of sense, although it still doesn't explain the emphasis put on the coffee.

so

i present:

The Last Resort theory.

a theory of my own creation, the last resort theory is a sort of combination of the Coffee Theory and the Religious Trauma Theory. (Similar theories probably already exist but here's mine)

The Metatron knew that Azira would never leave Crowley, but he did know that Aziraphale would take the chance to "fix" heaven. he knew that manipulation alone wouldn't be enough, he's smart, and so had to add that extra cherry on top, a "class A, surreptitious half a miracle". in the last resort theory, Metatron has laced the coffee in some way to tip Aziraphale over the edge, because he knew that the offer of bringing him and Crowley back heaven would be almost enough to destroy humanity once and for all. The Metatron spiked the coffee as a last resort to tempt Aziraphale back upstairs and destroy the earth. he knows that if Azira stays with Crowley they will find a way to stop the second coming, which he cannot have happening, he needs for them to be separated for this to work. its obvious he hates Crowley, he gives him dirty looks and insults him after the confession, by bringing up one of the most painful experiences of his past, the fall. so he separates them, and that leaves us at our end.

Aziraphale smiling insanely in the elevator

and Crowley crying silently and internally in his Bentley.

what are everyone else theories?

[maro0on]

How I Met My Soulmate Manga And Why I Dropped It At Chapter 19 SPOILERSSSS (i think) (a VERY subjective manga review made by a teenager lol)

im gonna say that i REALLY liked this manga in the beginning. the artstyle was GORGEOUS, the people are GORGEOUS! it was cute when they got together (and im constant thirsting over iori but thats besides my point).

BUT, later on it just got a WEE BIT annoying.... tell me why seno (the first love from high school and also kinda the second male lead) is still trying to pursue my girl yuki... LIKE SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND NOW!!!! SHES IN A RELATIONSHIP!!! AND HE KNOWS THAT!!!1 yet hes still trying to pursue her.... like bro theres plenty of fish in the sea, you can find new love, another girl out there (or boy if you swing that way, happy pride🏳‍🌈 lol) who may actually make you feel more happy and make you worth something CUZ PURSUING SOMEONE WHO LIKES SOMEONE ELSE IS NOT HELPING MY BOI.

(from chapter 19) And then it just gets progressively MORE AND MORE MESSY! like goddamn kardashians youve got competition. why do they keep adding more mess in the bag like THATS ENOUGH SLICES

(from chapter 17) tell me why this unicorn fangirly had to tell her that... that wasnt necessary??? its none of their business to literally give that information to her which could potentially damage her relationship with iori... like stop it... get some help

AND THEN

(from chapter 19)

She just found out some ground breaking info from ibuki (iori/male lead's brother) about some stupid complications, misunderstandings, and ✨pretendings✨and stuff that MIGHT ruin iori's perception and damage his relationship with his brother MORE as if its not tattered enough, and she cant conjure up the strength and confidence to forward that news she basically scooped up from brother dearest ✨🙃 cuz why would you want that right? youre basically shattering an ounce of happiness from a person you love and who wants that. not yuki def cuz all she wants is to make iori happy and give him the joy and DESERVES. WHY ARE WE ADDING MORE DRAMA??!?!?! CAN WE NOT BE HAPPY--

______________________________________________________________

*cough* uhhh yeah why couldnt we just have ended the story with like them finalyl ending up together, final scene is in the hot sprint, ibuki and iori sorted their shit out with the power of ✨communication✨, seno can just move on and try to find new love or atleast work on himself.

im just tired guys oh wow... ig i just want happiness for once cuz i just keep dying inside in most of these romance stories 💀

if you have any opinions about my opinions feel free to comment ig lol if you want IM WILLING TO CHAT LOL MAYBE YOULL CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE OR YOULL AGREE WITH ME

or ig ill try to just continue and maybe i can just give my final review lmao (which might take a long time cuz this is still ongoing i think🧍‍♂️)

[oceanofsoup]

Ive caught up on rwby and oh boy I have many thoughts and feelings that I need to just get out of my head.

First big thing based off what Ive seen a lot of today, I dont think Jaune is going to sacrifice himself for the others to go home, if that even is how the tree works. Not only will it most likely not work that way, but I doubt he would do that to his friends. Specifically to Nora and Ren, they've already gone through the pain of losing Phyrra and he wouldn't choose to put them in that situation again. Plus they outright told him that they love him, I'd hope that he's out of that mindset of thinking none of his friends would care if something happened to him. There is definitely more to the tree than what Jaune thinks and I cant wait to learn all it's secrets.

I also saw a comparison drawn between Jaune giving Ruby cresent rose and Tai giving Yang her arm. They have gone through something horrible and are given something that everyone around them thinks they 100% need. Everyone assumes that it will give them a sense of normalcy and will help them, but it just makes them feel worse and ends up not being something they can handle quite yet. Im curious to see if Ruby will try to redefine her vision of what it means to be a huntress, or if she decides that she can be something else entirely. Either way it seems that Summer is going to be a big part of this.

I dont have that much to say about bees except holy shit!! I definitely teared up at the kiss and had the biggest smile once I realized what the bridge wanted from them. We've been waiting for years and I feel that it was well worth the wait for such a beautiful moment. I just love how Yang was still a bit nervous to say it, no doubt caused by Raven up and leaving without a word, so she still says I think I love you. But there is no doubt for Blake, she knows Yang feels the same and theres barley a pause before she says I love you too.

I think thats it for tonight but I will be thinking about Jaune all night.

[blood-injections]

HAI ID LIKE TO DISCUSS UR BAND AU. how does kobra as the vocalist work with his semi-verbalness?? or is he not semiverbal in this au?? tell me all about it pls!! /nf

HII YES YES my wifis acting up rn so I havent been able to post about this au but as soon as its back up I'll be band au posting soo much. Okay so in this au I write his autism and semiverbalness a lot like my own and I'm still figuring out like. The vocalistisms. But it's basically like, hes nonverbal until hes comfortable around people and as long as he isnt overstimulated you can't shut him the fuck up. And once he joins the band and starts playing more and gets experience being a frontman the comfortable around people part kind of goes away because he gets really confident and cocky. Like as long as he isnt overstimulated or his voice just decided to turn off for no reason- because sometimes theres just really no reason or predicting it and its annoying- most of the time he doesn't shut up. But also he has his thing where like if he's really pissed off, in this case at bli because this au starts off based within battery city, and theyre trying to 'fix' him and poisons a bit of an asshole sometimes with trying to get him to be like, following the rules and staying safe because theyre in no way loyal to bli but they havent been bitten by the rebellion bug yet ya'know? Kobra kind of drags them into the band and becoming killjoy stuff later on lmao. But anyway hes very pent up and full of rage all the time and theres a fine line between going nonverbal or screaming about it. And once he joins the band- because he finds Ghoul and Sandman jamming out on the street like with buckets and a homemade guitar just to stir up trouble and is like. Wow. And then crows come and everyone scatters and he ends up running with them, then they become friends and once hes comfortable around them and hes just hanging out while theyre practicing or something or just listening to old music and he starts singing along and theyre like. Damn boy you can sing what the hell??!? And hes like oh i dunno at first when they're like bro you should play with us you're good but he ends up going like fuck it and becomes the vocalist and its just like. He discovers he kinda loves it. Its an outlet for everything and the thrill of directly doing something illegal(because music, especially this kind, is outlawed) and dangerous just gives him an adrenaline/seratonin high and he can just let the fuck loose and screams their shitty punk songs.

Then Poison and Jet join the band and they all leave the city(not sandman, hes just there as a jam buddy for ghoul and kobra in the beginning, the suitehearts have their own thing going on that I'll expand on in their own post later). Anyway once the shows over and the adrenaline like wears off usually all the stimulation hits at once and he goes nonverbal like when I'm like hanging out with friends or performing and having a lot of fun but then we all go home and i sit down on the couch and am just like. Oh i had fun but i cant move or talk or anything now. Spoons zapped. Worth it tho. Its like that for Kobra. Shows usually go off without a hitch unless hes had like. A really bad day sometimes he cant sing so he sits aside on an amp like bundled up in a comfort jacket and cheers his band on silently and someone else screams in his place lol. Practices, since they're just chill, sometimes come when he isnt verbal, it just depends on the day yknow, so its like. When he is verbal sometimes he'll randomly start singing if hes working on his bike or not really doing anything like. Oh better get the practice in while i can. Because like i said earlier he isnt self conscious at all, hes a frontman hes a shameless bastard lol.

Anyway uhh I think I explained that pretty well feel free to ask about anything else I Need to talk about this au fhsjnd <3

[turtersblade]

FINAL FANTASY XVI

Finished August 24

This game is quite something. What is that something? I'm not really sure. This is how I generally feel about the game. Final Fantasy XVI is a game that doesn't do things terribly wrong, but is filled with weird choices in direction and is filled with missed potential. Or maybe not even that? They didn't shoot for the moon, but maybe for something much easier, like for the clouds.

The biggest oddity here is the extremely pointless 5 year time jump. It's weird. The time skip served absolutely no purpose to the narrative, gameplay, characters, or anything else. Developing characters off screen would've been bad, but somehow we're meant to believe they havent changed at all in the five years. That super apparent romantic tension between Clive and Jill? That completely stagnated in place in those five years. Everything stagnated in those five years.

Gameplay wise, missed potential. Absolute missed potential in points, but in some other aspects they never shot far anyway. The combat is the biggest case for missed potential. It's good, its good, but I cannot say much else. It doesn't evolve much during the game. Your base combo never ever changes or gets upgraded or anything else. So the only way the combat ever changes is the Eikon abilities you get from each of the Dominants. Yeah they all also kinda suck. Your Phoenix/Ifrit and Garuda skills actually work really well together, theres synergy there. But aside from Titan, the others absolutely do not. None of these skills work well together to form a fluid combat experience. It's still fun enough, but this really could've been more.

The level design is horribly bland and uninteresting. The dungeons are not good. They took FFXIV dungeons, put them in a single player action game, and then further simplified and dumbed them down. You move so awfully slow in this game which makes these areas even more of a drag to get around. I don't see why this couldn't have more involved dungeons when something like Stranger of Paradise had incredible dungeons.

The quests are so mind numbing too. Go here, get item, fight wave of easy enemies, ok now fight enemy with a really big healthbar, go back, quest over. This even applies to the main story. There is just so much uninteresting filler. Not horribly bad, but just passable.

Now for the positives. I really like these characters! They're all so good, with Dion becoming a surprise favorite. The writing is pretty good, the voice acting is top notch, and I really cared for everyone. Clive is an absolute legend, I love him and he deserves the best.

The music?? Especially for the Eikon fights, its incredible! I found myself humming quite often when a track came on. Cid's theme is an absolute classic to me now. I knew the music was in good hands when I found out it shares the same composer(s) as Final Fantasy XIV.

I really enjoyed this story. For each arc, they did a great job at giving you a new big bad to fear and want to take down. They even did a solid job at making you feel some ounce of sympathy for them. Their only fumble to me was actually Ultima. I'm sorry but I just do not give a fuck about Ultima. I knew from his first appearance that I would not like him, but still kept an open mind. Yet, they never gave me a reason to care about him.

Overall, I liked this game. I did every side quest (which actually did have interesting stories in them!! they are worth doing) every hunt, and I finished this game at the 50 hour mark. I wouldn't have done all this if I didn't like it, but this could've been more. This is the definition of a solid 7.0/10 game. An exact 7. A high C on a tier list, maybe very bottom of B, depends on what it's up against. I still recommend this to everyone, because everyone can have a good time. They don't do anything egregious that would turn people off here, you'd only be fighting your own boredom at times.

Torgal is best boy

[quincytatas]

heavy vent tw

Tw for mild unreality , emotional abuse , Physical abuse , ED , Alcoholism , self harm , suicidal ideation

idk what else - ask to tag.

I wanted to keep things short but Idk theres just so much thats happening thats so overwhelming to me and I don't know if theres any chance I can just keep taking this shit without having a full fledged mental episode.

I feel overwhelmed by all of my attachments to people so I feel scared and like I just have to hide instead of facing others. I feel like everything is artificial even if its not. Everything just feels so fake from friends to family to coworkers.

I don't want to feel like this I want to genuinely feel the emotional attachment that should be there but its just not. I don't feel sad about anything.

Another thing is how much I really know I need to work the extra hours at my job and I wouldn't mind if I didn't feel so overwhelmed with customer interaction.

I think a majority of my problems lies within my social battery but I hate it because I hate being alone I just wanna be able to sit with someone and just not talk or do anything.

I can't constantly be taking every hit from my family constantly hearing about how my mom shouldn't have had me in the most non malicious way possible. It makes me so much more angry to hear it so casually than with words of anger.

I hate constantly having to be the shoulder for my grandmother because she refuses therapy. But I can admit we're one in the same there. I've refused therapy for so long because I'm scared of it.

Everything is exhausting all I want to do is sleep and drink and smoke. I just want to do things that are bad for me because I know it'll hurt me in the long run.

I've been thinking about hurting myself again. The last time I had a relapse was in January just after new years but I know I really want to do it again. It's such a bad urge in my mind at the moment that I couldn't even make my breakfast without wanting to use the knife on myself.

Another thing, all food tastes disgusting to me again. I know I'm gonna end up relapsing back into my ed once again.

I feel the constant urge to drink until I throw my food up or to force myself to vomit with my fingers. I've been trying so hard not to do that but frankly I don't want to eat at all anyways. I eat because I have to not because I want to. It makes my life feel so out of control. I had this shit under control last year but I don't even know what happened.

It doesn't help that my grandma constantly talks about weight and weight loss and tries to order 100s and 100s of dollars worth of diet supplements she sees on facebook.

I'm literally so tired. Its like life is constantly beating down on me and I just feel like I can never have something nice. I'm constantly berated and pushed to my limits and frankly I don't think I can take much more.

i just find myself more sensitive to things than I want to be and yet at the same time I feel numb to emotions more than usual.

Bonus points is that I'm hallucinating a lot more again recently. Constantly seeing bugs and shadows throughout the day. It doesn't bother much but its still an indicator of how bad my mental health is at this point of time in my life.

I have a lot of problems with my birth mother trying to be in my life and my grandma trying to force me to care about her. She lost me since I was a child because she always found drugs and men are more important than her own child. But now she wants to be in my life and she wants to bring her physically abusive husband in my life when he's choked her and beat her on numerous occasions, recently punching her in the face 5 times.

I don't need that around me. And she refuses to leave him so why should I keep her around. She's ultimately ruined my life time and time and time again. I can't put up with her.

I'm so fucking sick of being constantly gaslit and manipulated and guilt tripped by my family.

I can't take care of everyone.

Yea idk what else to say atm. If it wasn't for this concert i'd probably just attempt again.

[puff-mmd]

Remember when I said Ciro made out with some guy at a party that Yoai inivited him to?

Yeah um.

Uh.

Turns out that guy was Yakumo.

LEMME EXPLAIN--

Yakumo is a photographer - probably works for a bigger name company, but thats his thing. After him and Kaisei graduated high school, he might have even helped Kaisei out when he was first scouted by his manager and needed some portfolio shots.

Anyways, the party Yoai invited him to was a get together of some people who had been working a recent project, and while it was people from work, it was stressed to be a let-loose, chill kind of get together. At this point as well, Kaisei hasn't met Ciro yet, but he knows of Ciro (by existence of designing some of his favorite clothes. Since Ciro doesn't post selfies on his social media, he doesn't know what he looks like).

But the company Yakumo works for had been contracted to do the photography for the project, and that's how he ended up at this casual PR party. Unfortunately, he is hot (white shaggy hair, dark gray eyes, lip and nose piercings, baggy but cool dark clothes) and has a flippant, kinda horny and gay nature. So he sees Ciro, probably drinking and watching some other person playing guitar or whatever, theres always something like that going on at a party, and Yakumo decides he's real cute looking and makes his move.

They introduce themselves, Yakumo probably gets them some more drinks, and they end up talking a bit. At one point after telling Ciro he's a photographer, he offers to take a "professional" photo of him (which its not that professional, its at a party on his phone and he's tipsy, but it does still come out pretty nice). Ciro also picks up on the fact that Yakumo is interested in him, and he's, y'know, he's feeling it a little and is thinking well, "I want to know what it's like to kiss a guy myself..."

So when Yakumo is pretty close to him, one arm around his shoulders and the other creeping up his leg, he thinks fuck it, why not.

Things get a little heated (at some point Yakumo's got him on the couch under him) and Ciro is insisting like hey, I wanted to make out, but I'm not ready to do more than that.

Yakumo makes an attempt to convince him, but not even drunk is Ciro willing to give up.

He reluctantly backs off, because while he can be pushy he isn't going to force someone to fuck him.

After leaving Ciro alone, and not finding someone else at the party he thinks is hot enough to lay, he ends up leaving. He sees it's not super late at night (probably like 12:30 at this point), and he decides to call up someone who he knows is willing to come over and play with him - even if said guy might groan about it.

...Yeah, that guy is Kaisei.

Who was already having a hard time sleeping, just general insomnia at first turned to negative thoughts because we all know how those find the wee hours to be the best time to haunt us, so he is awake when his phone vibrates on the nightstand next to his bed.

--

Once Kaisei shows up, he does prod Yakumo about why he called him over so late - it's unusual for him to be so sudden. Yakumo explains that he was a party, ended up making out with "this cute blondie with big green eyes", but he rejected sleeping with him.

"Some stupid thing about saving it for someone "special"."

"There's nothing wrong with that, you know."

"Yeah, whatever. Least I know I can count on you to be looser."

Kaisei groaning in response.

--

After they're done, Yakumo is on his phone and he's looking at the picture he took of Ciro. He's debating showing it to Kaisei, who's already out of bed and getting himself dressed again. He looks over his shoulder at Yakumo and asks what he's looking at.

Yakumo decides the pictures not worth it, deletes it, and tells Kaisei it was nothing.

Kind of weird how he was so close to seeing who Ciro was for the first time because of Yakumo - because he likely remembered Ciro's name too, and Kaisei would have asked who that was ("I know you said it's the guy who blueballed you, but who is he?")

And Kaisei's not dumb, he would have connected that name to the face, and actually, it would have changed his perception of Ciro when they first meet - instead of being that of no personal knowledge whatsoever, he would not only know that Ciro had messed around with Yakumo at least once, he also would have realized sooner that Ciro was in fact gay.

Hmmm.

That would have been different for sure.

[girlucifer]

"i like the sea; we understand one another.

it is always yearning, sighing for something it cannot have; and so am i." - greta garbo

solomon + one-sided love with a gender-neutral human mc / lesson 36-41 spoilers / word count: 1k

*so in lesson 41, we see that mc remains relatively close to solomon while he teaches them how to control their magic. so maybe, during those years, we see solomon grow to fall in love with the human, but he knows nothing can really come of it, as their heart lies within another's grasp [one of the brothers]

a cruel smile, a mocking touch... they set a cup of coffee in front of him and he accepted it with a small smile- no words were exchanged, the only sounds being the birds singing outside. the two had grown so close, so comfortable together in the small apartment atop the bookstore in new england- naturally, the two had to spend every opportunity they had together to hone in the human's newly acquired magical powers- it was only three years ago when solomon's apprentice had almost died from their own powers seeming to claw its way out, manifesting into self-destruction that would've very likely killed them had they not gotten help from angels and demons alike. seeing the destitution brought upon the human's out-of-control intrinsic abilities, solomon knew he must do everything he can to protect not just the human, but all the three realms. once the two returned back to their world, that strange, protective, overwhelming feeling had washed over him- he remembers taking the human's hand, asking them, begging them, "escape away with me- normal life is far too mundane for the two of us. i promise a grand adventure- if you trust me." after all, the world was different now with the two of them privy to the most well-kept secrets of the entire universe: the worlds of angels, demons and humans alike, all threaded and woven together like a spider's web- the two were inexplicably linked through their shared experiences. and it wasn't even a week later that the two were in his small '04 sedan, driving north with nothing but a small luggage of necessities and the clothes on their backs.

solomon had dozens of places to crash, scattered all across the globe- he'd hop around whenever his work took him overseas- but his favorite was always the one up in north america. and money was never an issue- for a sorcerer, luxury was something natural, simple and easy- he can conjure up really anything he wants- the latest designer clothes, the best interior decorations, michelin-star cooking, first-edition books, classic films... anything material, he had it. it was, rather, the boring, the basic, the unremarkable that he longed for- loosening your tie after a long day at the office, or crying at the end of some cheesy romance movie when the two leads find each other's arms once again, or drinking that perfect cup of coffee your lover had made, who knows exactly how you like it. it was such a silly concept- how after all this time, centuries and centuries living on this earth, having done every possible thing under the sun- he had yet to fill the void in his soul that seemed to ache for another's touch.

when the two had moved in together, their relationship had started to shift- he had always been on friendly terms with the human, ever since the two met down in the devildom all those years ago. but now, he was privy to everything about them- the songs they sang in the shower, the tunes they used as their alarm, how they liked their eggs- such simple, simple things... yet every little newfound fact he learned about them, he memorized, like the little inkspells written upon his ancient tomes of sorcery. and then there it was- after having to spend day and night with them, teaching and shaping them up to be a sorcerer of his magnitude, he had fallen completely and wholly in love.

oh, how they'd smile at him, such a cruel smile- they knew, surely they knew how his heart wrenched every time they touched- it wasn't enough, it never was. he wanted to kiss their neck and explore every crevice of their body, but fear gripped his heart every time the room quieted and their eyes found his own, their fingers seeming to inch closer... so instead, he would watch the human prepare breakfast for the two- the birds chirping, the flowers blooming. such a homely scene; he'd sit in the small kitchenette, staring at the small of their back as they move around, grabbing spices and cutting herbs, the smell of exotic destinations making way into the small room. then, the human would set down two plates, and they'd eat. it was as simple as that. once, he had commented that they had seemed like an old married couple, to which the other laughed with a sparkle in their eye, "yes, i suppose so." then he wanted to add on: well, why not? why couldn't we be an old married couple, decades and decades into our marriage, yet we still retain such a lively youthful love? like how you make me breakfast every morning, and how i read to you every night, and how we go on walks through the park, how we feed the ducks there with the bread you baked with the ingredients i bought? why not indulge ourselves in this little fantasy? we may be soulmates, or we may be dying, maybe the world will end tomorrow and us with it. but right now, we're here, and i'm holding the coffee you made and you're watching me lose myself in the aroma. we're here, and maybe nothing else really matters, except the way you called this our home, our home, because you somehow knew i wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing you aren't under the same roof as me, because you knew that after the worst day of my life, i would want to come home to your shoes by the door, your smile greeting me when i walk in. why not, why not just sit here and pretend we are in love, because it wouldn't really be pretending, or rather- i wish it wouldn't be pretending. i wish you were mine, and i were yours- but your heart lies within someone else's hands, doesn't it? with his red gaze and black heart, his wicked smile and bitter taste, like apples to the sinner.

but of course, he never said any of this, because he knew better. instead, he took a sip of coffee, the taste bitter.

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

thinking about clara telling 12 he made courtney feel not special and 12 at the end of the lie of the land telling bill “because in amongst seven billion, theres someone like you” and bill looking like

and 11 telling rita in the god complex "offer a child a suitcase full of sweets and they’ll take it. offer someone all of time and space and they’ll take that too. which is why you shouldnt” in that fucking self-flagellating but also proud way they do and rita says “i dont know what youre talking about but whatever it is, i have a feeling you just did it again” because they did

they know they know they know what they do and clara didnt have to tell them theyve been doing this long enough they know. and they dont like it but theyre not gonna stop doing it either which must be Great for the self-worth feelings. they have a job to do and they cant stop doing it but they also cant do it alone but also anyone they take with them will most likely get hurt or die

this is nothing new but it’s just. im thinking about the way they do it. the way they absolutely know the effect they have on people. “you make people want to impress you. you make it so they dont want to let you down”

how casually 12 throws out that line, so genuine, i 100% believe it feels true when they say stuff like that, but also bill just had a Bad 6 months. he didnt have to say this. bill asked why he puts up with humans he could say something nice about humanity as a whole, but he doesnt, he singles her out, “i put up with the rest of them because sometimes theres someone like you”. it’s sweet and i dont think it’s a lie and i dont even think it’s a conscious manipulation but like

it’s just like, a really good way to keep people with you when you make them feel like theyre at the centre of the universe like that. the universe revolves around the doctor and when youre in the eye of the storm with them youre so special. you know more than regular people, you get to know all the secrets of the universe, you get to know about aliens, you get to play hero along with them!

ROSE: I can't tell her. I can't even begin. She's never going to forgive me. And I missed a year. Was it good? DOCTOR: Middling. ROSE: You're so useless. DOCTOR: Well, if it's this much trouble, are you going to stay here now? ROSE: I don't know. I can't do that to her again, though. DOCTOR: Well, she's not coming with us. ROSE: No chance. DOCTOR: I don't do families. [...] ROSE: My mum was right. That is one hell of an age gap. Every conversation with you just goes mental. There's no one else I can talk to. I've seen all that stuff up there, the size of it, and I can't say a word. Aliens and spaceships and things, and I'm the only person on planet Earth who knows they exist.

being the object of the doctor’s affection is i think probably a bit of a horrifying experience and not a position you really want to be in, but as long as youre still in that Comments About How Theyre Putting Up With All Of Humanity Because They Like You stage and havent yet reached the Tearing The Sky Apart For You stage, it probably feels really good (do i look susceptible to companion syndrome in this post hkfjghj)

and like i said it’s not that they dont actually love their companions. of course they do. it’s just that if youre terrified of being abandoned, making people feel special like this is a good way to make them not leave you

and i think 13 probably did her best not to do this again. she didnt invite them along to new adventures at the end of 11x1. she initiates goodbyes i think three times (”ive stayed too long, i should get back to finding my tardis”, “im almost gonna miss you”, “guess we’re done, nice having you aboard”) before the fam ask to come with her

and sure she plays the kicked puppy a bit in 11x4 but she waits for yaz to invite her, shes relatively passive, actually for the doctor shes incredibly passive. and she enjoys letting them into the tardis in 11x2, but she doesnt tease really secrets and wonders if they come travel with her. she doesnt really introduce them to the tardis, she doesnt say what the name means, she doesnt let them touch anything, nobody says “it’s bigger on the inside”, she doesnt invite them to all of time and space. she doesnt suggest it could be theirs to see. i dont think she ever does. just what the fam got to see accidentally was already enough to convince them.

i really need to rewatch so i might be wrong about this, but i dont think she ever makes them feel special the same way the doctor did with companions before. she makes them feel special like a tour guide maybe, with her little points and stars system, and calling them best friends, small mundane ways that dont show off her age or history or influence. i dont think she ever suggests theyre more important than other people. i think she emphasises her love for humans as a whole. i think thats the impression they get from her. i think thats what they would say if you asked them about her. “yeah she loves humanity. me? yeah she probably likes me, we’re friends”

she never puts them in a position where theyre the only one who can save the day/world/planet/universe. she always puts herself between them and the problem. she always goes ‘no im the doctor, thats my job’. she takes that responsibility so they dont have to. they take it! when they feel like theyre forced to! when the doctor’s gone in 12x2 or 12x10, they take that responsibility for sure. i think they want to, not just yaz but especially yaz. but they feel unprepared. the doctor hasnt prepared them for this bc she doesnt want them in that position bc in that position they die.

and clearly this has not been ideal. this has not led to an ideal doctor-companion dynamic, we’ve seen how this has hurt 13 as well as especially i think yaz and ryan deeply. but the strategy has been succesful. she lost her last two companions bc she didnt get between them and the problem. with bill literally, with clara metaphorically. (going back even further this might also be the case for amy and donna and rose. she let them into positions she should have been in taking decisions she should have taken)

and however badly things have gone for 13, the strategies of Get Between Them And The Problem, and Be The Doctor Dont Let Them Do It, have WORKED. she GOT THEM HOME. if yaz doesnt die, and im willing to bet money she doesnt, she got them all home safe and sound

14′s relationship with their companions will probably be a response to what went wrong in this round and it will have its own pitfalls that 15 then gets to fix but theyre trying, theyre learning. one step forward two steps back i guess. a fun little tango with death

[wormstar]

i was going thru ur blog and u have good posts about ableist aus and i was wondering - what if in the aus the requirements for warriors were different? Like instead of having to fight jay only hunts? Would the muddling of roles still be ableist? In a Tree-like situation?If its not presented in a "work super hard to get what you want" and more in a "yeah they can decide what he wants to do". This is mostly for jay (and cinder) specifically because they had desires to be warriors yet were forced to be medicine cats because of ableism (ig this can apply to briar but i just truly cant remember oots that well and i havent read her death). I am asking because i am still trying to unlearn the ableist mindset that i grew up with. Feel free to ignore this ask and thnx!

hey yeah thank you for asking! took the opportunity to write up more general thoughts on rewrites as a whole and i went over why exactly theyre ableist hopefully that provides a better perspective

i think the major thing to keep in mind is that the structure of the clans is very abled centric and overly ignorant of inner community work (for example dens are only solidified or altered when either the area takes damage/the clans grows wrt population) theres a fixation on marking territory and starting fights and whatever with other clans which is whats expected of most warriors to partake in. to fix those implications in any fanwork youve really gotta knead into them and understand the nature of their ableism....its not just a problem with cats being barred from being warriors its the whole occupation and the standard its held to, so to speak (+ that fits into general clan society being flawed but eh thats another thing and also its easy to branch out into thought about)

going to stress other disabled people might have other solutions to how disabled cats are received this is just how i like to think of things

first i think its kind of interesting to examine discrepancies between disabled cats in canon as somewhat of an indicator of clan attitudes and leaders and whatnot. like i think you could get something interesting by regarding lets say deadfoot in windclan and cinderpelt in thunderclan who both have bad legs yet had different experiences with them in clan life. if you wanna go a step further comparing generations like lilywhisker and deadfoot or cinderpelt and jayfeather (+ the consideration of how congenital disabilities are regarded) can also make things interesting and just give you an idea of what to do. having the clan systems stray from a clear-cut common attitude both gives you more freedom for different approaches + adds to worldbuilding anyway. imo boiling down clan society to perfect utopia just gets boring but you can have imperfections in the system that depict the disabled experience just fine. just be careful with them and the way they come across yeah?

(real quick as an in between. god just dont refer to cats/their injuries as crippled. it still happens somehow)

im a little ambivalent on the idea of creating a ‘special role’ for disabled cats to be thrown into. cause then thats a repeat of canon medicine den really. its like ‘oh youre disabled youre instantly discarded into the x role pit’ i think just adding substantial in-universe changes to the warrior rank itself (vagueness is fun actually) or expanding on ‘warrior types’ rectifies the othering angle. ‘othering’ as a whole is just as bad as the ‘exception’ archetype people run for most warrior aus i want to state that clearly. effectively if youre gonna introduce roles that dont depend on fighting or hunting or both make sure theres abled cats who have them too. like say you want a camp-based role where a cats job is to fix dens or one where they help in the nursery, its far easier for a cat who cant run to manage those but also have some cats who are physically capable of doing other ‘tasks’ do the same thing for personal reasons

the tree comparison is interesting honestly cause i guess you could just give a cat a particular thing to do as a nonfixed position. and roles accordingly being made for a cat to fill until they cant and the positions done away with afterward. but youve gotta do it carefully so you dont fall into othering as ive said. id avoid something like that personally i just dont like the quality of ‘well theyre not a warrior (the most noble/useful concept in cat society) theyre actually some other thing’

in general giving disabled cats agency and choice is the best thing you can do. whether this means them deciding on tasks they can do themselves or picking a certain kind of warrior to be or asking for an assistant to help them out when they do stuff. the way you wanna pull it off again depends on my first question of “how does the relevant part of your warrior cat world treat disabled cats already”

very important point, the majority of the ableism also comes in the form of character narratives and not just the structure of the world itself. like think for a bit why the writers decided jayfeather shouldve been forced to be a medic or why briarlight got killed off early etc etc. characters ‘wanting’ to be like the abled ideal and still being bitter about not fulfilling that years down the line are just part of the ableist storylines. if youre abled id literally say just do away with those sadstuck ‘i wanted to be a warrior!’ moments. if you really want to id say pull a cinderpelt or a shadowsight where a cats time in the medicine den started their fascination with medicine and they switched to that path due to personal intrigue. id say a more interesting and realistic angle to it is having a disabled cat who found fulfilment in doing something else besides being a warrior becoming bitter about their entire clan ‘mourning’ how theyll never fight again or giving them the pretence of being a warrior being the best thing you can do.... it depends on the character really

this is just a very basic disability thing but stray from the whole ‘useless/dead weight’ way of regarding disabled characters. like dont place their worth on how well they service a clan or not theyre still deserving of shelter and whatnot. you dont need to justify a cats existence or usefulness by going ‘well they may be blind but their sense of smell is excellent so we keep them around’ or whatever its just no good

last thing i can think of is like. dont disregard how a cats disability affects them. like its fine that briarlight cant fight (or even hunt major types of prey) she doesnt need some convoluted method that lets her do that. there are like a dozen other warriors hunting and fighting and theres present value and enjoyment in the stuff she does around camp. she doesnt have to be brightheart 2 its ok

[fricktic]

fanny talk abt their issues . talk abt what plagues scc at night . what they keep bottled up . go on .

got this notification and started thrashing around with sinister intent . hope u like it

a lot goes on in these guys heads and a lot of it i dont have the mental capacity to go deeply into so ill just stick with the basics

sweets is mainly expectations . in their current situation , no hard to meet expectations are ever being placed on them , yet they still cant shake the feeling of being a letdown or something . a lot of the time they place these unrealistic standards onto themself , but these ideas probably stem somewhere from their past , ideas that were planted into their head by others starting from their earliest memories to when they finally got outta there . no matter what theyre doing theres always that voice in the back of their mind telling them to work harder if they want to be successful , if they dont want to be a disappointment . and as an added bonus , if they keep themself busy at all times they dont think these thoughts ! at least thats probably what theyd tell ya

capn . god how do i even begin . i guess a good way to sum it up would be keeping up appearances . having to keep up this cool tough suave persona at all times , what originally started as just a way to boost confidence in front of strangers that escalated to hiding every nitty gritty emotion behind a smirk and a joke playing it off , even if hes with someone he doesnt have to hide himself with . who cares if all thats left is feeling numb and drained ? beats being vulnerable and having to explain urself . wanting nothing more than to cry but nothing comes out , stuff like that

k_k has a lot of things . things that “start small” but all accumulate into heavy weight on their shoulders . but dropping that weight might make others unhappy , or make them think less of him !! cant have that !! if she keeps everything inside and doesnt let anyone know how much things are getting to them , everyone else can stay happy . no moods are ruined and everyone wants to stay his friend !! hooray !! is uhh .. what k_ks thought process is . cant let her smile so much as falter if they want people to stick around , the thought of being a burden again just isnt something he wants especially now that theyre with people who seem to finally care

they all got issues it comes with them pre built like a package deal , but they all help each other out . its a team effort at times , but its worth it

[nuclearnerves]

INCOMING VAMPIRE AU THOUGHTS

Don't mind me I'm finally getting the ideas I had on this shit out so I can actually go forward with developing it as an AU. It's my usual mixup of fps protags, Gordon Guy and John, but I'm starting with Gordon as the Vampire and Guy as the Vampire Hunter.

absolute beast of a wall of text under the cut

What If Being A Vampire Literally Sucks All The Time Forever like chronic pain sucks. like THAT level of sucks. Like Here's what I was thinking of. Being a vampire isn't just "being alive forever but you need to drink human blood" It's like Oh man I have some lore you look at vampires and their main thing is that they're blood suckers right so lets start with a corpse dead body. cadaver. no longer with us. just some rotting meat. The brain needs oxygen as fuel. The blood supplies the oxygen through blood. The blood is pumped through the heart. The blood is made by your bone marrow. You die. Your heart stops beating Blood stops pumping Brain no longer has oxygen to think marrow stops making blood thats standard! Now, becoming undead, as a vampire, is a little more complicated. The long and short of it is: your body is FIGHTING ACTIVELY to be alive against all odds and wins every time (immortality), but it hurts the whole way

I have the gist of it. It's like. Your heart stops. By all means, you should be dead. but the magic kicks in, and you're still thinking. Your brain is still sending signals to your muscles to move. But using what oxygen to move? whats burning in you? You don't know but you know it's just enough to get to your next meal. So you ferociously eat something, and then find you can't swallow. You can't make saliva. You barely have the energy to chew, and once you DO get something in your stomach, it immediately comes back up. Why can't you feel your pulse? What's going on? You're out of options so you figure you might as well just lie down and die. You're too tired to keep going anyway. So you do, you lie down, and you close your eyes, and you quietly hope that death is as peaceful as sleep. You realize you've actually been moving around without breathing, which makes sense because you can barely flex your diaphragm for more than a shaky wheeze. How are you thinking with such little oxygen? But as you fade from consciousness, you can feel something in you, and it's so upset, it's crying, it's filled with grief, and you instantly can tell it's your skeleton. It's your bones. You're distraught down to your marrow. You're dying. You're dying! Your heart stopped and you have no more blood! You need blood! You need blood to move! To breathe! To think! You try to breath deep again for the voices in your bones, trying to comfort them, to sooth them with the repetitive motion in your lungs, trying to fill yourself with anything but grief, but they keep wailing. We make the blood, our creation, our child, what we put all of our work into is gone! gone! gone! We need it back! Anything! All of it! Find it! Bring it back to us! We're hungry! WE'RE HUNGRY!

and once you find yourself too exhausted to listen, to think, how badly you wish just to die already to cease hearing this wailing, you find your body moving without you. And it's hungry and it's searching and it's crawling on all fours and it misses its beautiful red life that made it feel so full before and it needs it back, and the next thing you know you're desperately grabbing anything with blood in it and shoving it in your mouth in a desperate attempt to sooth this cry for life, you don't want to die, you don't want to die, you worked so hard to keep up this body and craft it and LIVE with it and you're not going to go, and even when you try, even when you try to lay down and die, your body refuses, it takes the reigns, and it keeps up the work itself with or without your help. And it's not until your stomach is full and your teeth are stained and you feel a pulsating burning in your bones that you snap back awake, completely conscious, just fine. You're lucid, you don't feel any more pain. Everything around you is dead and drained and messy and your heart still isn't beating. but you can breathe now and holy shit you guess you literally need to kill to survive and the less you eat and the more you starve yourself the worse it gets when your body finally decides to take recourse.

my idea was like. "the vampires curse is actually stored in the bones, thats why the teeth get so sharp and also theres a connection between blood and bones with the creation via bone marrow" its literally like i was sitting there thinking "no no no, whats it like to be a vampire. what neurosis would you develop. How would you panic? What are common mistakes beginner vampires make" which, by the way, gordon is a beginner vampire

so now you gotta factor, what blood lasts for how long? how long can you go between meals? not only that, but what creatures satisfy the urge? How long can you go avoiding human blood? Does it work like drugs where you develop a resistance to the high, or is it like food where it will keep you moving until you eat again? How the fuck are you gonna get your hands on blood? Can you just eat raw meat? Does that count? and thats where im at lol

OKAY now. now thoughts on beginning scenes of vampire au

So my idea was this Doomguy is a vampire hunter independent and one of his buds says that some freak scared and almost attacked his daughter when she got too close to his old abandoned laboratory up the hill and hes like “he might be… you know… a problem. if you needed a lead” and guys like yeah i fuckin hate the undead ill kill this dude so he busts into old lab space and sees so many dead animals its actually mostly Bones and pelt that hes seeing piles of feathers etc so hes like yeah this is all telltale signs of vampire uhhh hes introduced to gordon SOMEHOW im not totally sure of the details but the working idea i have is guy falls into a trap gordon devised that restrains him suspended in wire or something and gordon like. limps/stumbles into the room and this dude looks haggard he’s breathing heavy, his cheeks are hollow, he’s bug-eyed and shaking while looking at this massive wall of meat in his trap and he bares a bunch of hideous teeth and grits them and looks like hes really struggling with somethin... Like if these dudes don't know each other then Gordon might give in and try to drain Guy, and Guy would absolutely do anything in his power to turn this new vampire into ash, im thinking the inclusion if g-man as a coven leader can fix both issues.

i like the idea of guy falling into gordons trap and gordon thinking about what to do with him before gman shows up and whisks gordon away for a “meeting” while complimenting him on his good work catching the most feared vampire hunter in the country and gman just leaving guy suspended in wires that he has to fight his way out of. Instant situation defuser.

Guy ends up needing to take care of other monsters before going back to Gordon, and he DOES plan to go back to gordon, because no vampire is a good one, especially not one associated with the fucking head of a coven, but next time he sees Gordon, Gordon helps him out of a scrape by attacking and draining a combine who was going to take Guy out or something and escaping before Guy can catch him, or otherwise seeing Gordon do something good with his insane undead powers and like, the third time he meets up with him is when they can actually talk, and Gordons fuckin SO haggard, he’s not even fighting back and he’s even going as far as to say “just make sure theres nothing of me left when you’re done, I don’t want anyone else getting hurt”

Side Note: Guy has a bunch of scarring on his body from dealing with vampires, cops, ghosts, werewolves, anything violent that kills people. I'm playing with the inkling of an idea that he has Divine Blood in him, so that any time something undead bites him or tries to drink his blood, it burns. We'll see.

Side Note 2: now i really like the idea of the combine actually being an organized faction of vampire hunters that are WICKED crooked and exploit people for all their worth in exchange for their “safety” when they kill a vampire They’re essentially loansharks and Guy fucking hates them and hates the name theyve given to vampire hunting

Side Note 3: You've probably noticed that I haven't said anything about John yet! He's in this too. His species is a surprise but I need to get to him later I have an idea for where he came from (Cortana too)

I still need a good reason for Guy to not instantly kill this vampire, if not it's just gonna be "Gordon Freeman escapes the countrys best vampire hunter like a seventh time" every time they meet and they end up being rivals. And it gives Guy enough time to look past the whole "undead monster" thing and start looking at the "Oh this dude figured out how to fight his ridiculous craving for blood in a way more humane than most and is actually staying out of peoples way and keeping to himself. Guess he's not that big of a threat but I still need to keep an eye on him in case he loses it. Turns out he's got a family (Probably Alyx, Eli, Issac and Barney) who's been lookin for him and cares about him as well, don't wanna hurt them". I like the idea of them ending up needing to team up to take out undead together.

And that's what I got so far!!!

[hysokaz]

i cant HATE hanzo because i dont think that he meant to do what he did but his whole fight with gon was just a HORRIBLE lesson to gon. he 1000% internalised everything that happened theres just no way that he didnt. being told over and over again that he cant win, that he needs to give up, and having countless adults just stand around and not say or do anything. like i know i know its part of the exam it HAS to test his mental skill but its fucking cruel the only person helping him or showing that they care is leorio, killua, and kurapika. everyone else is literally turning their heads from him. hes getting told that theres no way he could win as hes fucking bleeding and all of his senses are fucked up. he cant see, he cant hear out of one ear, he cant get up, he has a broken arm, his nose just got busted and he still tries to fight, he doesnt give up, and he tells leorio that hes fine. its nothing he cant handle.

hes screaming out in pain and no one is doing anything. they might stare in shock or they might show that they litearlly cant stand to watch gon but gon litearlly cant SEE. gon is stubborn to all hell and he wont give up.

the fight does a couple of things.

by eventually winning, it teaches him that he can keep going. he can have absolutely no strength in his body and he still will force himself to try and recover and try to fight. i could see gon exhausting himself to death because of this mindset. he will force himself over and over and he refuses to give up no matter what and he will only ever use his own strength and try to win. he goes through the thought that hanzo wouldnt cut off his legs because that would make him bleed out-- he doesnt think about how horrific it would be to have his legs cut off, its not like he doesnt take it seriously, but he doesnt take his own life seriously. he doesnt CARE. he would rather die than not be a hunter.

people praise him when he does well in the fight, and that teaches him that all he has to do is keep going. all he has to do is do good and he will be fine. all he has to do is keep getting back up and people will love him and he'll be admired. and all of this because of his dad, because he wants to find his dad, and i think the fight also teaches him that his father would eventually praise him for all of his efforts.

by hanzo still being nice, and not actually wanting to kill gon, pleading with him over and over again that hes not going to quit, that gon is going to die if he continues... and then hanzo pussing out and not doing it like that plants the idea in his head that the "bad guys" or the people that he has to fight ARENT that bad, i believe. this ones a hunch. i think that this will put it in gons head that eventually he will come out on top because his opponents cant be the worst people inside of their hearts, that they wouldnt kill him. you can bring up that gon refuses to take an easy win, that gon NEEDS to have a fair fight, but that doesnt really change anything. subconsciously, i think gon has a bit of an overconfidence that he cannot die. hisoka didnt kill him, hanzo didnt kill him, genthru didnt kill him, whatever and whoever didnt kill him. he wont die. i think that if gon ever accepted that he COULD die, like truly let it set in, then he would lose part of himself. i think gon refuses to truly have it in his head that he COULD die because i think that would admit defeat. i know that gon knows he can die, but his mortality and his own life is not serious to him because thats not a concern to him. his concern is his father and his friends.

by his friends being the only ones to outwardly show support, by being the ones who would scream out and tell him to quit, by him hearing them and knowing in his heart theyre barely holding themselves back to save him, their bond grows. i dont want to say thats unfortunate... but its kind of unfortunate. i dont want their bond and friendship to grow over feelings of pain and anguish, but thats what happens. he hears their cries and i know he internalises it as strength for him to keep going. the desperation that his friend show him only makes him be committed to them more. gon doesnt need verbal support, he barely needs people to tell him they like him. after all killua is his closest friend not because killua says nice things to gon and tells him sweet things or anything like that-- he and killua are best friends because of their actions. killua is committed to gon. gon knows that. he trusts killua because of that. gon sees the things his friends do for him, and it makes him want to match those exact things as well.

hanzos age is also a small thing, but a big thing at the same time. hanzo does mention his age to gon as a side note, but gon brings it up as a main point. he talks about how hanzo is only six years older than him. he doesnt keep going with that point, but i think his brain does do something with it. gon ends up putting that as motivation, i know he wants to match hanzos strength. he probably wants to be better than hanzo, stronger and more skilled. if gon got to hanzos age and was weaker than him i think he would hate himself for it. gon has unreasonably high expectations of himself, and age matters to him in the way that he needs to be stronger than everyone else. yes, to make his father proud and to thank him, but i know its also so he can protect his friends and family as well.

even what killua eventually eventually does, just that small thing of drawing hanzos face on the ground and saying that gon is nowhere near his strength... thats just basically forcing gon to compare himself to hanzo (something i know killua didnt mean as a bad thing). hanzo isnt the biggest threat that gon has ever had to deal with; i dont think that he has made THE absolute most impact, but i HAVE to think about it in this sense: gons spirit is...strong. but hisoka wounds it when he gives him an "easy win" and passes gon his badge. this makes gon deal with a bunch of self worth issues for a few days straight... and then hanzo goes and does all of that to him. had it been separate from everything that hisoka did i think that it mightve not hurt as much, but all of the stress i know went to his head. the end of the hunter exams were some of the most impactful yet painful events for gon, at least thats what seems to show once you looka t the behaviour that follows. i cant hate hanzo because i know he didnt mean to make gon develop the way he did. but i think hanzos fight did horrible damage to the way gon thinks.