#there's also a huge safe right outside of it that I've never been able to open

[cookinguptales]

I just saw a home renovation show where they redid an "awful" unfinished basement and it was just like. damn, I should show these people the murder room.

I have one of those old Philly rowhomes, so when you think of my basement, imagine one that's over a hundred years old, very low ceilings, rickety stairs, more of a cellar than anything. I don't use it much because stairs aren't my friends at the best of times.

anyway, the previous owners built a weird little addition onto the back of it that I fondly call "the murder room." I have gone into the murder room approximately once since moving in, and that's only because I had to find a leak.

imagine, if you will, a tiny little room (maybe 8x8) with no windows or proper lighting. I have to watch my head in there, and I'm only a little over five feet tall. also, the walls are painted, I shit you not, blood red. directly onto the fucking concrete. it's a lot.

there's a sink, some shelves, a hell of a lot of cobwebs, and a drain in the floor. that's it. there was some kind of heavy-duty door on this room, but it was removed before I bought the house. (I can see where the door was, but it's just a doorway for now.)

I was TOLD the drain was there because of storm water, but if that's the case it does a shit-ass job because I still get water in my basement every time there's a bad storm. (see: the mystery leak)

I think the real estate agent called it a work room, but as soon as I started calling it the murder room, she followed suit. the vibes are rancid in there.

so now when I watch some home improvement show that's like "oh no there are EXPOSED BEAMS and the STAIRS AREN'T TO CODE" I'm like lol. lmao. rofl. etc.

if you saw my murder room, y'all would cry lmao.

[meimi-haneoka]

Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card Chapter 77: Comments + JP-ENG translation differences

Welcome back, once again, for my (endless) analysis post about the most recent chapter of Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card! This month we're here a tiny bit earlier due to Nakayoshi coming out on September 1st instead of the 3rd like every month, thus bringing forward the release of the chapter on Comic Days and CLAMP's Youtube channel of a couple of days! And boooooy, did I cry with this chapter! I think it's no surprise for anyone, right? 😂 after all, my preferences are very transparent and finally CLAMP-sensei gave me a crumble (more like an entire piece) of happiness in this chapter (immediately flooded with a surge of frustration, hahaha! When I say that they have fun torturing us, Kaito/Akiho fans....) Another puzzle piece in the enigma of Sakura's foretelling dreams also went to its right place, and we got more references of events and feelings that were expressed many, many chapters ago.

Let's not waste time and see what wrecked me this month and, most importantly, if we had any translation mistakes! (Spoilers, there are! Do you think we'd be safe from them, when there's a huge Kaito/Akiho scene?) But, wait, hold on! We're missing my usual silly "gif of the month" corner!! 😂

(don't be fooled by the appearances, this is Kaito 😂)

Aaaaand we proceed under the cut with the analysis of the color page and further!

The Color Page

Hahahahah, my god, sensei really is messing with my sanity starting from the color page, here... I've been asking forever for a Kaito/Akiho color page where they could finally be featured together and have all the attention on them, but no! They decided to troll me even further by featuring Akiho in chapter 76 and Kaito in chapter 77! 😂 YES, back-to-back, but STILL separated! 😂😂😂 I guess I'll have to live with this torture till the end.... Aaaaah, and what a color page we have for Kaito, here.... First of all, I have to say I'm mesmerized by the beautiful blue color spanning from the starry night sky to the clear waters below. Huge crystals are surrounding the main scene, emerging from the waters, but the real protagonists of this color page are undoubtedly two: the giant silver Moon on the background, and.....him, our great absentee for 7 chapters now - Yuna D. Kaito. Whoever knows me can well imagine what effect this color page had on me, especially after I had enough time to pause and consider his portrayal here, especially in relation to the content of the chapter. First of all, the JP text over it is the infamous threat the Association made to him and the words Sakura has been partially hearing in her dreams since long time ago: "If the Seal of D activates, you won't be able to come back". Standing outside the water, we see him dressed in his Association robes, giving his back to us. But reflected in the water, we can see him wearing his typical butler outfit, the one he always wore ever since he arrived in Japan with Akiho. And here, he's fully facing us. If I can dare giving an interpretation of this portrayal of Kaito (which is clearly meant to be interpreted figuratively, since the reflection doesn't correspond not only for the outfit, but also for the mismatch between back/front of Kaito), I'd daresay this is a clear representation of the duality living inside of Kaito right now, and the endless contrast originating from it. Inside Kaito there are two parts of him, constantly in conflict, and this conflict is mainly the reason why we got to this point in the story. Kaito really does have a hard time letting go of the past in the Association, which for better or for worse shaped him and gave him all the hidden traumas that contributed to his distorted, immature view of certain life matters. And he's got a hard time not because he enjoyed being one of them, not at all. We could see it clearly, he never enjoyed being a part of the Association, let alone felt like he belonged to it. But it's all he's ever known from a very young age till he decided to save Akiho, and the way he grew up in that den of criminals influenced him, making him feel like he really is a delinquent like the rest of them, undeserving of love and compassion. I can think immediately of one comment he made in chapter 67, that reveals clearly this mindset: in Clockland, when Momo told him "it's useless, even if you disguise yourself as the next head of the Li clan, it (your true nature) shows anyway" his sarcastic reply was "what, my wickedness?". Now that we know that he never really intended to cause intentionally any harm to anyone with his plan, but actually took care in ensuring that everyone would be safe, happy and minimally inconvenienced, his comment shows even more in what a distorted way he sees himself. This is the part of him that still thinks he's better off alone, undeserving of the bond with Akiho, especially for what he inadvertedly caused to her. Now that I think about it, those crystals emerging from the water really do remind me of the crystals storing the memories of the "characters" in Clockland, again from chapter 67.

But, inside Kaito there's also the "new him" (or should we say the real him?), how he changed after making that fateful decision, after interacting with Akiho and creating a bond with her along the years (even if he tried to fight it and ignore it, uselessly, for so long). It's the part of him that learned what's good in interacting with others, and what it means to have someone you love dearly and would do anything for. That part of him is represented here by the reflection in the water. And it's really no surprise that the two parts of him are facing opposite directions, a very nice representation of how they're in contrast with eachother, pulling him in different "directions". I take the "butler" part of Kaito facing us as a symbol of that being the part of himself he really wants to be, the true self, but is currently submerged under the traumas and skewed convictions about himself that his past self (represented by the Kaito in the Association robe) experienced. If Kaito wants to take another chance at life, a happy, worth living one, he needs to let go of the past and help the part of him that's underwater emerging and claiming it fully. That's what Momo has been praying he would realize all along. That he would notice, and accept, the part of him that learned what love means through his bond with Akiho. Of course, this color page affected me emotionally in a strong way, and I also missed seeing Kaito's face, so I really really love it.

The Aura of a Gentle Moon

Soooo, we left our kids in a pretty problematic situation last time, right? An attack, in the guise of a shower of arrows, was coming down on them, and the chapter starts exactly with something I imagined could've happened: the connection with the group waiting at Yukito's home is re-established, and they see the attack in live streaming! 😱

Sakura uses swiftly her Shield Card, and oh-la-la, what do we have here? A new design??? Must be because she used it with the Dream wand! 😀.....wait, then should we assume that maybe even the "wrong" design of the Sword Card was....intentional?? 😮

...Unfortunately for Sakura, the incoming attack effortlessly bypasses Shield, aiming at them once again! ...Thank god the group at Yukito's home is watching, since this allows Touya to....stop time!! Yesssss, it seems Kaito's re-writing of their reality didn't remove Touya's new ability, which shows it's truly innate in him! Touya's magic is effective in stopping the incoming attack, and exactly as it happened when the Squids+Association tried to attack Kaito back in chapter 33, we have someone who takes the chance of the stopped time to destroy the "arrows": Eriol, working remotely from the comfort of his home in England! Kero and Suppy are hilariously shocked, and Touya affirms he "just started being able to (stop time) all of the sudden" (JP), this pushes Nakuru to frantically ask Eriol if he knew (he says he had no idea) and then to Yukito (and he says "Yes! He told me it's just for a short while, though" and not "for a minute" like the ENG translation said, why do they have to make stuff up all the time????). Touya explains that it's just for 2 seconds, and he uses a word (体感で, taikan de) that expresses a feeling on the body: he's basically saying that what the human perceives of his time-freezing powers corresponds to 2 seconds. This is basically the same power he developed anew at the beginning of the Clear Card Arc, therefore I'm inclined to believe that this ability never left him, even with the re-writing of their world: as the general idea that I always had (judging by the words the character used), Momo's forbidden magic only changes the memories and some limited physical elements (the so-called "discrepancies"), but doesn't remove things that are rooted in people, like magic and, you guessed it, feelings. Now this leaves me wondering what happened to Yukito's pact with the Tsukimine Shrine, and his acquired Moon powers: judging from what we see afterwards, he doesn't seem to have them anymore, probably because that isn't an innate characteristic, but was something acquired with a contract.

In fact, since Touya's time-freezing powers last too short to be able to do anything concretely, Kaho steps in with a beautiful new Moon Bell!!! She explains that her Moon magic gets stronger when the moon is out, so she's going to support Touya's time-freezing magic, but she warns everyone that it's not going to last long. I really appreciated that CLAMP gave a more active role to Kaho, since she's been pretty much in a passive-listening role for the whole manga, so this is really nice to see! Especially cause sensei gave her a new, shiny Moon Bell! ✨ Talking to my friends, we also mentioned that it's nice to see this collaboration "between ex-partners", without any jealousy, any cold shoulder, it's really in tune with the rest of the story!

But it's time to go back to explanations, because Eriol continues saying that the volley that was fired at Sakura and Syaoran was designed to hit automatically the one who would've broken the spell that was hidden behind the fake moon: as I expected (and hoped), this is not a direct attack from the Squids+Association at Sakura, but something that was left in place before, and activated automatically. I still don't think a direct confrontation would be fitting for the thematics of this story, especially now that they made clear that Sakura's power is not enough to beat them (Shield couldn't fend off the attack). Tomoyo correctly guesses that once the time starts moving again, the attacks will resume. Nakuru just says "well, you can just break them with a bit of effort like you did just now, right?" but Eriol warns her that things aren't as easy as they seem: of course that's his intention, but those arrows don't have any will of their own, because they were designed to keep incessantly attacking the person who broke the spell inside the fake moon (not general "invaders" like the ENG translation said). Basically this jutsu is already out of the original casters' (plural, Eriol knows they're many) will. The plushie guardians reflect on the fact that if they don't do anything about the source of this spell while time is still frozen, the arrows will keep attacking the kids out there. Akiho's anxiety, hearing that, understandably increases, but I can also see a desire to intervene in some way, from her.

In front of the fake moon, Syaoran and Sakura recognize Eriol's magic circle and understand that he came to their rescue, and seeing how everything is frozen in time around them, Syaoran wonders if Sakura did this. Of course she answers she didn't, but that's when she surprises us saying that she can feel her brother's "vibe" in there, so she believes this is all his doing. You can really see how Sakura's abilities keep growing and get refined more and more, since now she's also capable of recognizing Touya's magic (something she didn't seem to be feeling, before). And that's not all, she's able to feel Kaho's aura too, defining it a "gentle moon presence" (Kaho's powers have been defined "gentle moon powers" by Momo, before). Syaoran (or Sakura, here it's really hard to understand who talked) says that some other spell might activate soon, so they need to take the dragon out while they can (how rude, ENG translation!! "That thing"??? These kids aren't crude like you guys).

Sakura dispels the Shield Card and turns to talk to the dragon again, for this task that will reveal to be harder than she thought. Sakura's やっぱり gets translated in ENG as "Of course", but that's not what it means: she's saying that just as she thought, she's sure she knows him.

This panel kinda made me smile because, while I was talking to a friend last night, we joked about Sakura putting Kaito to trial 😂 She looks very serious here, and let me tell you, the vibe she gives off in this entire scene makes me think she starts to be a bit annoyed with him too 😂

And then, sensei decided to give a good squeeze to my heart, featuring some memories of Akiho back in chapter 49 😭that chapter is one of my favorite ones because it featured a rare Kaito, smiling genuinely and happily. What we saw back then, while Akiho was telling Sakura of her walk in the garden with Kaito, were panels with the flashbacks of that walk, while here we can see how Akiho looked like while she was recounting those events to her friend (understandably, since this is something the Record Card recorded, while what we saw back then was the memories in Akiho's heart). Akiho looks really really in love, in these panels.

Unfortunately, this beautiful moment is stained by an imprecise and incomplete translation in English, which of course irritated me greatly because damn, you can really see how, as soon as things turn about Akiho and Kaito, the quality of the translation suddenly drops, almost as if there were a bias. This is so unfair. Particularly because this scene had already been translated, and paradoxically it sounded better how they did it in chapter 49. Why changing it, why not using those same words? Anyway, I'm going to put both versions here so you can see the difference.

ENG: "We went for a walk last night. Out in the garden. Although I'm afraid I did most of the talking. Still...ever since our travels brought us to Japan...he's remembered everything. I treasure every moment I've spent with -san. I only hope he feels the same about the time he's spent with me."

JP: "We had a walk in the garden of our house. I did most of the talking, but... -san remembered it all. About the many countries we visited together, and our days here in Japan too. I treasure every single moment I've spent with -san, none excluded, so I hope it's the same for him. It doesn't need to be every moment, as long as he holds one dear"

Can you see how many concepts are missing from the ENG translation, how much has been skipped and summarized? The absurd thing is that a lot of what I've put in the JP paragraph comes from the original translation in ENG they did for chapter 49. Miraculously, they had done a very good job with that scene. So why? Why changing it now when she's saying exactly the same words, in this flashback (minus Kaito's name, of course)? It's completely missing the dualism between Akiho's "I cherish every single moment with him" (that 一つ残らず, "not even one left out", left a big impression on me ever since ch. 49) and "it's not necessary he treasures every single moment with me, even just one is fine" which had moved me so much back in ch. 49 because it revealed how Akiho is not loving Kaito out of an egoistic and greedy love, exactly like all the other characters in CCS. She doesn't demand to be reciprocated. She's content with knowing that she's got a tiny place in his heart. You might argue "why are you so hung up on this, especially since it's a repetition of an old scene", but here I tell you, the fans' memory is short and if we don't focus on the representation of the feelings of the characters in a shoujo manga, then what are we supposed to do? And those feelings should be portrayed and represented at best by the translations too.

The Hikikomori Dragon

Anyway. Moving on. Sakura affirms that despite his name and appearance had been erased from the records of the Record Card, the fact that Akiho had a very important person to her wasn't erased. While she passionately affirms so, we can see more flashbacks of Akiho (like the night-time talk she had with Kaito in chapter 61, and the double date).

Well, I tried to move on, but the fact is that once again I have to facepalm at the ENG translation, because apparently they really don't want to let Sakura say that Kaito looked at Akiho with lots of care and affectionate feelings. Yeah, remember the missed とても大切に that I complained about in last chapter? Sakura said it again, but they were capable of messing it up even this time.

ENG: "She was so happy when she spoke of you...and you took such good care of her. You are the one thing Akiho-chan never wanted to lose"

JP: "Akiho-chan was so happy when she spoke of you. And you, who looked at her with such care/affection, are the one she didn't want to lose."

I get quite peeved at how they managed again to not let Sakura say clearly that she could read in Kaito's affectionate stare towards Akiho how much she was important to him (I won't repeat the explanation of what 大切に means, please check the post of chapter 76). They steered it towards "you took good care of her" but this is not what Sakura was talking about. His job as her butler, or the fact that he took care of her isn't absolutely the topic, here. This is about how your feelings towards someone shine through your eyes. And it's a very important part because what Sakura is trying to tell Kaito here is "Even if you tried to erase it all, the fact that you were important for Akiho stayed, and I know you also considered her important by the way you looked at her and the impression it left on me. So get your sh*t together" What Sakura said here was so straightforward and powerful that I can't help but feel she backed Kaito into a corner (and I have to admit, I also thought "Stop right there Sakura, you're talking too much, these are things that Akiho is supposed to say to Kaito, not you"). However, I don't really like how the phrasing of the ENG translation reeks of "let's steer this towards the parental role he had towards her" because omg this is really not it. Kaito was never a parental figure for Akiho, let alone her legal guardian (what happened in chapter 40 should have cleared that enough already). And even if they were referring to his job as a butler, again, this is really not what Sakura is talking about, here. Aside from the fact that she shouldn't even remember about how he took care of her (she doesn't remember anything about him, only what she recovered from Record and those are still fragmented memories). I'm afraid they're digging their own grave, if they insist in going in this direction and sabotaging their lines in this way. Aside from the fact that it looks more and more deliberate.

But let's move on because the most emotional moment is yet to come. Sakura then asks the fatidic question (JP because I don't like how they phrased it in ENG): JP: "The reason why you won't move even though I have dispelled the magic that kept you trapped....is because you don't want to come out?"

The dragon closes his eyes and slightly bends his head forward, as if nodding. How wonderful, Mokona-sensei, and her ability to make a dragon that can't talk, got limited movement and almost no expression look so expressive. And this is not even the peak of his expressivity. Sakura understands his "reply", but while holding the precious pocket watch, she answers that she made a promise to Akiho, which is to try to bring him back. So she knows what she needs to do. There's only one person who can turn things around.

Sakura, through her earcuff, calls Kero and Yue and asks them to come at the "moon", bringing Akiho along with them. I really loved how self-confident Sakura looks here, how she's got the situation under control. The guardians change into their full forms at once and Nakuru eagerly asks Eriol what she and Suppy should do in the meantime. He tells them to protect Touya, the "performer of the time magic". I loved how every single person of Sakura's entourage is involved in this, by now. Everyone wants to do their part, out of their own will. I think it's simply beautiful. They do it because they support Sakura, but also because they sincerely want to help Akiho, who's currently the one who's got the world crumbling under her feet the most, out of this situation. You don't need to be tightly involved with someone to want to help them. And so Kero tells Akiho to go, and she's absolutely not scared or unsure, but actually is oozing determination from every pore.

Back at the fake moon, the kids start realizing the environment around them is getting unstable: Syaoran explains that this is because magicians who are capable of manipulating time magic are just a handful to begin with, and then it's also necessary a huge amount of power to make it work. Touya and Kaho are doing their best, but the spell is already starting to crack. In this tense situation where there's need for time magic, Syaoran apologizes to Sakura because he isn't capable of using time magic yet. I've seen this specific line creating surprise and confusion in lots of the fans I've seen on my TL on Twitter, but things make sense: Syaoran using time magic is a thing of the anime only, as he only ever used the Time Clow Card (and Sakura Card, in ep. 14 of the Clear Card anime), while this card doesn't exist in the manga. We'll see how this line will be treated in the anime adaptation, especially considering the presence of the Time Card. Sakura, always being the loving girlfriend she is, reassures him that the mere fact he's there with her allows her to do her very best in this situation (there, they managed to sneak in a SyaoSaku moment too!). This is something she said in the old arcs too, especially at the end of the battle with Eriol, how the mere presence of Syaoran reassures her and gives her courage....it's so lovely to see it reiterated here!

And now my readers we enter the "core" of this chapter, the one that really wrecked me over (both in a happy and sad way), with the arrival of Akiho flying on Kero's back!! How cute!! This is one of those depictions you thought you'd never see, and yet!! Akiho immediately asks the two friends if they're hurt anywhere, but Sakura reassures her and thanks her for coming here (her good manners and kindness make me smile everytime...they're doing all of this for Akiho, and yet, she thanks her for coming, because she feels involved in this almost as much as her!) With the help of the Mirror Sakura Card, Sakura makes a third copy of Flight, and gives it to Akiho.

You're My Most Important Person

And here, the pages of the chapter leave to Mokona-sensei's skills the task to tell us, wordlessly, about the first reunion in forever in several months between Kaito and Akiho.

Sakura gently leads Akiho at the entrance of the fake moon, and the girl makes eye-contact with him. The dragon. The one we know actually being Kaito.

The dragon looks at her almost longingly, and the expected tears in Akiho's eyes pour out copiously, like a river in flood. The emotions are too powerful to be able to contain them. Especially because, when Sakura checks on her to make sure she's ok (seeing her crying like that all of the sudden alarmed her), Akiho answers that she doesn't even know why the tears are flowing from her eyes like that. This is all instinctive and on impulse, those tears come from something that's deep, deep inside. The mind doesn't remember, but the heart (and body) does. This concept that we've come to know especially in works like Tsubasa, and that became so iconic for CLAMP, is reiterated even in this arc of Cardcaptor Sakura.

Akiho might not remember anything, she might not know why those tears keep coming out, and yet....

JP, lit.: "This pain is telling me that...my most important person is right in front of me"

She knows. She recognized him by the pain that's crushing her heart. An insufferable pain she's been feeling all along, ever since he activated that damn forbidden magic and gave her that perfect, lovely life. A pain left by his absence, which only gets amplified now that he's in front of her. And what to say about the words she chose? As if her heart started leading her on its own, and couldn't wait any longer. We all know this is the CCS code for "The person I love the most is right in front of me". And, contrarily to the ENG translation that kept on the "safe side" translating it literally (couldn't have expected any different), the Spanish translation made her say almost precisely "the person I love the most". Basically, we could say Akiho confessed her feelings there and then, without filters, earnestly. So typical of her.

And Kaito's reaction, omg...I have to say that in my shrieking session while I was "reading" (more like trying to make out the pages among the tears), the part that wrecked me the most was seeing his eyes glistening at hearing that he's Akiho's most important person. God. How long he's wished to hear that, with such a powerful reaction? Kaito, the stoic Kaito, the one who always wore a smiling mask, the one who used to stop his hand to prevent any contact, any connection with her, is now on the verge of letting his emotion take a hold of him, moving him to tears. Because the person he's given all of himself for, just said that she loves him. As I also exposed in my analysis of the color page, Kaito thought all this time that he was undeserving of all of this, for many many reasons. Therefore, hearing her baring her heart to him and telling him with clear words what he means to her is something incredibly powerful to him. Remember when Sakura was talking to him before? She almost spilled the entire thing there, saying that "Akiho had someone very important", but he only looked at her, seemingly not having any reaction. It almost seems to me as if he wasn't believing her. Because, as soon as he heard those words from Akiho herself, his reaction was VERY different.

Sakura takes the watch out of her pocket, giving it back to Akiho. She seems to know that this item is extremely important and can give strength to Akiho for her mission. Especially because, as she informs her friend, the dragon doesn't want to come out of there. Akiho takes the pocket watch and clutches it tightly, while resolutely affirming that she's going inside, because there's something she needs to ask him, no matter what. Again, the ENG translation treated this part superficially and left behind that "no matter what" that indicated how hellbent Akiho is on this. And in my opinion it was very important to keep it, not only because it contributes to shake off that "passive" unjustified reputation she's got, but also because only someone assertive like her can hope to turn Kaito around. And, poor Akiho, I can only imagine what my girl wants to ask him. "Why? Why did you do this?" Imagine if she manages to make him that question, later on. He wasn't able to answer when Momo made that question in chapter 51, but now he'll be forced to realize it. But, in my opinion, this isn't the only thing she'll ask. Because yes, seeing all of them joining forces to bring him back is wonderful and all, but all of this got no meaning if Kaito himself doesn't want to come back. And I'm sure he wants to, but he has to realize it, first. And I absolutely cannot envision Akiho imposing on him her desire to have him back. Leaving aside the fact that there are still a couple of problematics to fix (shortened lifespan? Artifact?), the most important thing in this moment is that everyone knows where their heart is and what they want. Because they need to learn to do things correctly. And no one will decide someone else's happiness on their behalf in this manga, ever again.

Alas, as soon as Akiho moves to enter the fake moon, the dragon violently takes off and exits, soaring in the skies of Tomoeda.

(the chapter is special, so forgive me for the use of a second gif 😂) My reaction was way more......violent than the one above when I've seen the last page of this chapter, but one thing is for sure: Kaito/the Dragon literally ran away 😂 I mean, to see a hilarious side to the situation, Sakura and Syaoran have spent god knows how long to try to convince him to get out of there, and Akiho just had to move a step forward to prompt him to get out 😂😂😂😂 I've been saying it forever, the power this girl got over him...! 😂😂😂 Now, I've seen many people trying to give their interpretation of the reason why he had such a reaction, and I've seen many interpreting it as him not wanting for her to get inside such a dangerous place. Well, my interpretation is a bit different, and it's based on 3 aspects. First, Sakura successfully broke the spell inside the fake moon, the cage and clock parts completely disappeared, and the environment inside doesn't seem warped anymore (Sakura and Syaoran found the exit immediately), so I'm inclined to believe there isn't any more danger inside that space. The "jagged" parts we see near the entrance are just because the space surrounding them is becoming unstable, due to the time magic starting to wear off. So I don't see an immediate danger inside the fake moon for Akiho that would prompt Kaito to get out. Second, if it were only to protect her, he would've exited and stopped right outside the fake moon. Alas, we saw very well that he's heading far from them, and doesn't have intention to stop. Or to hear her out. So this leads me to point n. 3..... He's just heard Akiho baring her feelings like that, and he heard her saying she wants to ask him something, no matter what. God, that must've been terrifying for him. Especially cause I expect his guilt increased exponentially, if he's starting to realize that he royally f*cked up, with his activation of the forbidden magic. This is....simply too much for him to bear. Do you have a hard time seeing him like that, so fragile, so emotional? Then I should probably remind you that this is almost a precise re-enactment of the dynamic that occurred in that infamous scene of chapter 52 (the pudding one. Yea. You know, that one.). Akiho opens up, speaks her feelings for him out, he interrupts her and runs away with an excuse. He's just like that. It is very hard for him to deal with feelings. Doesn't he remind you of Syaoran? Get ready, because I feel like we're about to witness a game of tag in the skies of Tomoeda. 😂

Also, I can't forget mentioning an important thing: the circle is closing more and more, cause we finally see happening a scene that Sakura saw in her dreams in chapter 2, the very beginning of this journey! As usual, what we see in the beginning of a CLAMP manga defines its ending (as the end of a CLAMP story is always decided right at the beginning).

That goes without saying, I literally cannot wait for next chapter, especially to see how many seconds Akiho will let pass before bolting after Kaito, helped by Flight (we know that Card can be very very speedy! 😂)

This chapter was a storm of feelings for me, so I'll go resting now and make a list of all the songs I had imagined for this finale, and that indeed turned out to be so fitting! I'll dump them on my twitter account in the next days 😂 Chapter 78 is expected for October 1st on CLAMP's YT channel (CLAMP haven't taken a break ever since chapter 65, they really are holding out till the end).

Well, we've reached the end of this post, so as usual, I await for your comments and asks in my inbox! See you!!

[taldigi]

I think the reason Joker/Akechi is so popular (other than sadboy angst) is because of how he changed from vanilla to royal. Having Joker mess with his hair, giving him a boathouse scene, the double entendre of giving someone your glove being a declaration of a duel but also sometimes considered a romantic gesture, among other things made people feel as if they were leaning into a romantic interpretation of their relationship rather than the more nebulous original version. Then there's third semester, with Maruki commenting on their "unique relationship," giving the player the option to sacrifice reality to keep Akechi alive, and the whole Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming thing with the fairytale motif... it just seemed like Atlus noticed that a decent amount of people were shipping Akechi with the protagonist and decided to run with it. It certainly doesn't help that the English voice actor for Akechi that Royal's more romantic lean is "not thinly veiled." I still agree that fandom focuses on it far too much, though. Especially considering how much the game emphasizes that it can't actually happen.

ohh, thank you. I highly appreciate the reply!

I want to preface by saying that my reply comes from my experience in interpreting the game and how that's influenced my own opinion. It isn't meant to diminish the argument, despite any harsh wording, but to examine it through my own eyes.

I also don't.. hate the ship (I had been in the ML fandom too long to know that), but am largely overwhelmed by it's over-saturation and domination over the fan space and what I interpret as being... hugely out of character.

The kind of character I see Ren as being- outside his anime protagonist curse- is a highly empathetic (he takes books and media to heart, is able to empathize with the worst of humanity, and is able to touch the hearts of even the most prickly of people) and selfless person. Someone who would do anything to save anyone at any cost short of killing someone else! it's the reason why he's in Tokyo in the first place, and he doesn't stop afterwards. He steps in-between many many possible conflicts and puts himself in immediate and possibly fatal situations in order to keep his friends safe.

The whole premise of his story, and his ultimate choices, is freedom- after all- even if that freedom leads to pain... But and what is more confining, and final, and indisputable than death? Ren, a guy who chose to let each and every palace owner live and make them admit, understand, and face the consequences of their cruelty... would suddenly let Aketchi into his heart and trust him so fully and wholly? How many families has he left torn apart? And not all the victims were high ranking diplomats. The train conductor may have lived, but he died brain-dead.

Like- duh, right. Ren wanted to befriend Aketchi. He sees himself in him- friendless, misunderstood, and a little pathetic. Ren's scenes with Aketchi come before he finds out what he's done, and after that Aketchi changes. As romantic as those scenes might come off to some (I personally took it as pity) That Aketchi was a fake. He fucked with Ren's head and succeeded for the most part- and if Mona and Futaba didn't step in, he might have gotten away with it. Ren might not have been there to see it, the second he pulled that trigger it was over-- and he still had the mind to gloat about it.

All of the phantom thieves, after it's all said and done. Still express empathy for him. None of them will forgive him. None of them should forgive him... and the Joker I've come to know would never ever grant Aketchi any leeway without- bare minimum, Haru or Futaba's forgiveness.

All that being said, the interpretations of the story given seem highly generous. Ren shows the same affection, offer of understanding, and willingness to assist in any issues to Aketchi as he shows to any of his confidants.

Royal offered more than vanilla, sure- and Aketchi coming back in semester 3 might have been a result of Ren's desire to befriend him or save him (notice how the Aketchi in the stay ending is the softer "fake" version) but it might have also stemmed from the fact that it's in Ren's nature to save others, and the result of the shifted realities Isn't solely reflected in his desire to have Aketchi be responsible for his crimes- but in the fact that he gets to see his coffee family whole and happy- or Haru having her father back and in a good relationship, or seeing Ann or Shiho not having to live with the traumas of sexual assault or suicide attempts, and to see Ryuji and Yusuke living their dreams without pain and with family.

Yeah, they do have a "unique" relationship. They have similar circumstances, they've been pushed to play the same interdimensional game, they're the same person- same coin. But they're never ever going to see face to face. They both chose freedom, but Aketchi chose power and revenge and Ren chose kindness and friendship.

...and you know what? I appreciate that tragedy! I appreciate it a lot. I love what they did with Ren & Aketchi's dynamic and how they expanded it in Royal. It's equal parts deeply fascinating and tragic and says so much about both characters. But just like returning Aketchi to life and free would render that experience void of meaning... rendering it romantic.. seems.. diminishing. It doesn't work as well if it's romantic.

Bah, i'm getting rambly. Thanks for hearing me out.

[quillsareswords]

omg for #QFWW with a vampire reader bc spooky season never ends, like a date gone wrong or something like that pls

A/N: I really know I've found my people when half of these were for my supernatural reader-characters. More vampire reader in my That Which Bleeds collection! WARNINGS: mentions of blood but no descriptions of consumption, mentions of food, language

MASTER LIST in BIO

   “For the record, this was not originally how I intended the night to end.”

   He glances down at the massive bloodstain on the front of his once crisp green button down for emphasis. “No? Were you aiming to have this stain a little higher up? My collar, perhaps?”

   You glare at him dejectedly. “Not funny.”

   He’s smiling anyway. He’s sitting on the curb outside of some swanky restaurant, with this huge dark blotch on his shirt, and he’s smiling at you like you’re finer than every piece of art in the gallery you took him to earlier in the afternoon.

   You bury your face in your hands. “I’m sorry.”

   "What ever for?" he chuckles.

   You glare again. "You're joking, right?"

   Against the cold night air, the warmth of his arm wrapping around your shoulders feels more like a space heater kicking on next to you. “You don’t have to apologize,” he chuckles. “It was a good day.”

   Well, it had been. You'd spent most of the day flitting around the apartment, finding things to keep you busy while you waited for him to finish with his classes. You'd gotten ready together, and he went down and started the car before sunset so it would be warm for you.

   It was all downhill from there. When you finally got to the gallery venue, there was nowhere to park and the valet was nowhere to be seen. There was no choice but to park elsewhere and walk three blocks in your slightly uncomfortable fancy clothes. He'd insisted it was nice to be able to stretch his legs after being stuck in his home office all day, but you know he's still sore from his showdown with Riddler's biggest, baddest goon last week.

   Inside, none of the trays walking around were vegetarian friendly. It was all meat, or very obviously coss-contaminated. On top of that, none of the refreshments were to either of your liking. So, two hours of meandering around a winding exposition with nothing to eat and no drink—because why on earth would they offer water?

   When you finally finished, with a new piece under Damian's arm (a delightful reimagining of a lesser-known Van Gogh, apparently), it was raining. You'd checked the forecast every hour, on the hour all day and there hadn't been a cloud in sight until tomorrow night. So, just this once, you hadn't brought your umbrella. 

   Luckily, the artist he'd purchased from was more than happy to hold it for you until one of you could come back and safely pick it up. And neither of you wanted to walk in the rain, so you called over a cab and left the car to sit in a business lot for awhile longer.

   Finally, you'd thought things were looking up.

   And then the restaurant couldn't find your reservation. The reservation you made weeks ago, because The Stranger is the only nice restaurant in all of Gotham that caters to both vegetarians and vampires.

   Fortunately, they happened to have an open table, and because you had the foresight to bring along some proof of reservation (ensuring the entire mess was their fault), drinks were free.

   Finally, all was well. Damian loved his mushroom risotto, you were thrilled with your AB+ blend, and it really looked like you'd be able to pull this off.

   The whole night was your doing. He'd been so busy with his degree and his heroism and his internship, and you'd been finding a delicate balance between your own school work and playing mediator between any decent vampires in the city and privy law enforcement, while also making yourself a threat against any indecent vampires that didn't care for humanity anymore. You hadn't been able to do much of anything together, especially when he slept for six or so hours most nights and you didn't.

   You sat with him while he ate breakfast. You'd sit in his office while you both worked. He'd sit in the living room to work while you chipped away at hobbies or watched something. You'd sit closeby while he painted. You'd lie in bed and read while he slept, because he always sleeps better if you're around. If you're lucky, you may even doze off while you're there. You found ways to spend time together whenever you could, but it wasn't quite the same as getting out and going somewhere.

   Valentine's Day was the best excuse to do so. Two whole days cleared on both schedules. One night to stay out as late as he could bare. You'll make breakfast for him tomorrow, and whenever he decides to get up, you'll talk him into watching some ridiculous romance movie he'll roll his eyes at but end up teary-eyed by the end of.

   You can practically taste victory, despite all the mishaps leading up to dinner. The waiter is bringing over your second glass. Damian's almost finished. You're almost done with the artichoke dip he didn't like as much.

   And then, in a wretched turn of events that you swear only belong in shitty television dramas, the waiter trips. Over thin air or his shoelaces or your hopes and dreams, it doesn't matter. He falters, squeals, and the glass he's carrying goes flying like a targeted drone strike.

   Thinned red blood splatters against the wall behind your table and then—all over the front of Damian's shirt.

   You could have burst into tears right then and there. Instead, you waited patiently for Damian to assure the sputtering waiter that it was fine, he wasn't angry, he wouldn't have the poor kid fired. Then, you took Damian to the family bathroom and tried your best to rinse out as much of the blood as you could in the sink. 

   "A good night?" you ask incredulously. "Where have you been all night?"

   He raises one hand, the one not touching you, in mock-defense. "I didn't say it went perfectly, my love. Could things have gone a little smoother? Of course. But they didn't ruin the evening."

   You finally pull your face from your hands. "Yeah, they kind of did. Case in point," you grumble, gesturing to his shirt.

   "I don't care about the shirt," he tells you seriously. "I have dozens of them. I'll buy another one if I miss it. Look at me." His hand skims up the round of your back to the base of your neck to get you attention. It's pointless, because you never turn down an opportunity to look upon him. "I don't care about the shirt. Or the shoes."

   "What happened to your shoes?" you cry suddenly.

   He laughs tiredly and shakes his head. "Nothing important. Will you let me finish?"

   You bite down on your lip as your hand absently passes over your mouth, as if you're subconsciously trying to keep yourself quiet.

   "I was going to say, that I don't care about all these little things that happened." He rubs his thumb across the cool skin of your neck, mere inches away from a scar that's never quite going to heal. "All I wanted to do tonight was spend time with you. I didn't care what we did. I did enjoy the gallery, and dinner, and I do appreciate all the time and effort you put into planning all this: but you really didn't have to. I would have been perfectly content to sit at home and stare at you all night. I wanted to be with you tonight, and you gave me that. Everything else was secondary."

   The way he looks at you now almost brings tears to your eyes. He looks at you like you're the prettiest thing on Earth. Like you're the only thing worth looking at. Like he really would have been happy to do nothing but look at you until the world ended.

   "I just wanted it to be perfect," you tell him honestly, voice as wilted at you feel. "We don't get the chance to do this very often, so I wanted it to be special." You laugh wetly despite yourself. You're quick to wipe away one rogue tear. "Guess I should have known better. We do live in Gotham, afterall."

   "That's true," he chuckles. "On the bright side, it still wasn't as terrible as our New Year's dinner last year."

   You laugh just thinking about it, like you always do. He knows you always laugh about it. It's a trick he keeps tucked in his back pocket for just these occasions. "That was pretty awful," you agree. "Your brother tumbling through the window covered in blood wasn't exactly how I thought that night would end, either."

   He gently pulls you closer to him. Tucks you into his side while you wait for a cab to take you back to the car. "Well, to be fair, I expect most nights to end with at least a little blood. I am in love with a vampire, afterall."

   You rest your head on his shoulder and watch slow traffic pass. "I love you, too," you hum. "Even though you are the one who spilled my drink last night, and now you're trying to blame me."

   He rolls his eyes."I am not–"

   "Oh you so are–"

[dumbditzyginger]

Cyberpunk and Hypnok1nk

Chronic pain hit me young, and I've pretty much always had a fluid sense of identity (trending femme, but fluid nonetheless). So it's not really surprising I've always been fascinated by the idea of full-body-replacement transhumanism, Ghost in the Shell style.

Like, I don't want to be in pain anymore, but that's just a fact of the meat I'm trapped in. It's going to hurt, no matter what, for the rest of my life. It'd be nice to keep on existing but feel good instead, y'know?

And sometimes I might want to be smol and cute so I can be someone's little spoon and feel safe in their arms, while other times I might want to be a seven foot tall amazon with a giant dick. I might want both of these things alternately several times a week, and it'd be great for that to be possible.

But there's the classic thing people talk about in scifi where full-body-replacement cybernetics are a thing. The brain-computer interface. That bit where you'd (in theory) have to expose every single thing that you are to an outside connection to hook everything up.

It'd be a huge security risk, where people could turn you into a passenger in your own body, or delete your childhood and replace it with another set of memories as easily as you can move files around on your PC. And maybe they don't want you to be able to stop them, so they lock you out of your own systems while they keep hacking away at your very personhood until all that's left happily agrees that you walked off the assembly line for brothel dolls only a few hours ago and expecting you to read or have opinions would just be silly.

And yeah, like, that's a nightmare scenario, right?

But also, that's so hot, right?

But it never really occurred to me that it's also kinda the same dynamic with hypnokink. It's basically just handing your tist - whether they're an actual person or just a hypnofile you like to listen to - the keys to the kingdom. Letting them root around in your file system, ripping some folders out, dropping new media in, changing some configs.

It never occurred to me that maybe my hypnokink might have partially come from just going "y'know what, fuck it, I want a hacker to turn me into their joytoy". If I'm happy with the idea of someone getting into my head and ruining me, then the only drawback of full-body-replacement cybernetics is that it's not here yet.

I'm ready to have someone reduce my clock speed to a crawl, wipe my memory, swap my language database from English(US) to English(Grade School Dropout Bimbo), delete my optical character recognition software, and reduce me from Admin to Guest user privileges. Fuck playing it safe, I'll intentionally put myself in the same chassis as last gen's most popular sex dolls, and while most people are gonna worry about random people tapping in to their hardline ports, I'm just gonna leave my wireless wide open with no password and no firewall and accept the inevitable.

A ditz can dream...

[gerrydelano]

i need to catch up on your fics but i am chin hands about trans fem gerry. i remember you talking about it before but id love to hear any new or updated thoughts :0

some of it would be spoilers for the PBR epilogue so i'm going to keep that to myself until then, but! ultimately i just was thinking about the fact that he uses she/her pronouns and enters Girl Mode in his happiest moments, his most intimate and vulnerable moments with people he trusts to love him, and what that says about his actual state of being outside of those moments. it means he's not fully happy or comfortable, there's something holding him back, which i've gathered is a fairly common feeling.

he's still got an attachment to being A Son specifically it's just rooted in his being but look me in the eyes and tell me that ever made him feel safe in his own body or head or surroundings. y'know? there's spoiler territory there with that part of the discussion though so heehee.

(not that long i just don't want everything stretching the dash where i might not be able to edit it later)

i do think she's always going to identify himself as a fag though which is also pretty common because things are more complicated than they are binary and he's always a color wheel understander. his gender is faglady but realistically her gender is also just nothing you could comprehend if you're not open to contradiction. you can't expect him to fit into neat little boxes, she just won't do it, it's not anybody else's business but his.

so. transfem gay man is probably still where he's at in general at this point in time in my writing but as time has gone on his egg has increasingly cracked lol it's just a matter of like... what's going on in his life, who she's with, how safe he feels being herself. as of right now, she saves herself for tim and tim is nothing but reverent about it and i could go ON about how her sex life goes hand in hand with her gender but i don't want to flood the dash with BDSM discussion LOL even though i have thoughts for MILES about it. i talked a bit about it in the link above iirc. it's incredibly soft and meaningful and also, crucially, sexy. but mostly it just makes her feel so incredibly safe and desired and respected and these are all things that were previously missing from her life in such a huge way, like.

look at his life. look at the life he's lived and tell me he's ever been fully happy playing the role he was put in. the expectations his mother had of him, that gertrude had of him, the way he was expected to obey and sacrifice and even hurt people at times because that's just how the world works, right.

well, he's never wanted to participate in that way of living! and he only did it as a survival mechanism because where else could he go but always come back home to mary and her dreams for him which were always just an extension of herself, he was nothing to her but an extension of herself and her wants and her beliefs and he was anything but that, even when he tried to blend in. half the time he measures his life from injury to injury. his whole life felt like nothing but punishment and for a long time he wouldn't even know what for.

it can be such a transgender narrative if you look at it. the repression that he'd have had to deal with is insane even if you look at how loud and proud he is about his sense of style (which is extremely queer in and of itself.)

and i also just do not buy transmasc gerry i'm so sorry you can absolutely have that HC if you want and i will not attack you for it but look at him. listen to him. and also remember that eric, who died when gerry was 2 years old, referred to him as his son. sorry but that to me says he's amab because He Was Un Bebe. also in what WORLD would mary be a supportive parent to a trans kid. she literally insists on calling him by his full birth name that he DOESN'T LIKE BEING CALLED; classic trans thing! he canonly has a PREFERRED name. a preferred androgynous name!

it just makes more sense to me that he's transfem. i don't believe he has a desire to be all that traditionally masculine. he literally is so gnc in canon and his whole life just reads to me as "person who did not get the chance to fully embrace themselves because everything was just too damn hard." i also enjoy depicting people transitioning later in life, because it's never too late! it's NEVER too late to embrace who you are and work out who you've wanted to be for a long time.

i think he still lives in ambiguity and grey areas and blindspots. it may not have even occurred to him that she wanted to transition until later in life anyway because life never slowed the fuck down for him enough to let himself ask the questions! but he knew he wanted his hair long. he paints his nails. he wears eyeliner and dangly jewelry and alt clothes and yeah, cis people can do that, but it's also a way to flag! a very strong way of flagging! these are all the things that felt right to him in canon and no one stays that alt into their thirties without a little bit of gender going on somewhere in the mix, be serious, y'know? g-d. i'm so invested forever in gerry's gender jfhbnkjn.

he doesn't like labels, he really doesn't. and she might not ever call herself a woman as much as a lady in particular but she likes the phrases "good girl" and "princess" in bed, she likes being seen as feminine in comparison to a partner, she has feminine preferences. she would probably use more reclaimed slurs to refer to herself than i'm comfortable just tossing around but like, a lot of people prefer those as identifiers than "man" or "woman" like i refer to myself as a fag dyke all the time and it's more affirming to me than trying to decide if i'm a trans guy or if i'm a butch dyke At All Times. gender can be complicated! i think it IS complicated for gerry at the moment with his baggage but i imagine if he were ever able to really let go of that baggage, she'd be a very different, happier person. i think she would like it to be simpler sometimes. she treats it simply even if other people might not be able to. she's really calm about all of it, and even as it changes, it just makes her confidence grow. really comes down to the people she's surrounded by and the opportunities that she manages to grab a hold of in terms of finally letting herself just be. and i just think the results of it are really gorgeous.

anyway transfem gerry truther forever

[umichenginabroad]

Week 2: Getting Intense(ive)

Howdy y'all, it's me Connor back after, quite frankly, an exhausting week of classes. When I learned I was going to be taking class here I thought I would be taking ✨Classes✨ but in reality I am going to the library most days. That being said I don't think I have ever been more interested in what I am learning than I am right now.

This is a picture of me and my dorm-mates walking to our first class together.

Intro to Japanese has been nothing but spectacular. Although the class is moving a bit slower I have chances everyday to practice what I learn so I am getting quite confident in my abilities. Also the teachers are so nice and helpful in class even though they do not speak almost any English.

In the afternoons we have Automotive Engineering class, now these are the tough ones. Having a 4 hour lecture every afternoon is not for the weak. What is entertaining though is the people the University bring in to special lectures. We have met employees from Nissan, Toyota, Mitsubishi and more. All of them gave given us amazing lectures on the future plans for these companies and what to expect if we ever end up working there. All of the lectures have been passionate to a point I have never experienced in the United States, everyone truly seems to love what they are doing and it makes the class so much more fun.

With about 5-6 hours of lecture a day I will at least concede the point that the amount of homework we have is light, often only a one page reflection on the information e learned, which is quite nice as I often find myself exploring in the afternoon/night with friends.

Another huge upside of this school is the cafeteria, the food is absolutely wonderful and dirt cheap:

Two of the lunches I've had. On the left a spicy miso ramen and I do not quite remember what the ride noodle bowl was called but it was equally delicious. Both of these cost me about $3 USD and they were amazing.

This first week we also had special tours of a number of different research labs here at Nagoya University.

These are two concept cars designed and created within the university. On the left you can see a small Toyota fitted with lidar and camera sensors, this is one of the universities forefront autonomously driven vehicles. On the right is a built from scratch "Slocal' (A slow locally driven vehicle which often gives verbal directions to the driver) vehicle which has the primary purpose of helping the elderly get around safely.

In addition to the research cars they have multiple highly technical driving simulators used for the research. These things are crazy big and so cool. I was even able to drive in one of them for a short while and the amount of modifications that are available via. software editing is ridiculous.

That was about it in terms of the technical knowledge and class stuff for this week so now we get to FOOD REVIEWS!!!!! <3

After being in Japan for over a week at this point I still had yet to have sushi so me and my roommates went and found this little hole in the wall place.

You can see me and my friends sitting at the bar on the left and the finished food spread on the right. We were the only ones in here for dinner which made sense as the sign outside only said すし which just translates to sushi (So still don't know the name of this place). We had an amazing time and the food was great and we even talked to the chef a bit in Japanese.

Around midweek I was craving something super spicy, and my girlfriend Olivia recommended me aa curry chain before I left called Coco Ichiban so we tried it out

This is the spread of each of our orders. Mine is in the bottom left (The one that is several shades darker than the others) I did not understand how the spice level system worked here and ordered a level 8. It turned out that meant it was about 24 times spicier than level 1. My spice cravings were definitely satisfied and then some. Still we had an amazing dinner and I do want to go back to try the level 10.

The next spot also came recommended from Olivia and it was a cream puff spot called Beard Papa.

This is a photo of all of their types of cream puffs. I got three different kinds: vanilla, peach, and green tea filling all with the original pastry. They were rich, decadent, and sweet; Everything you could want in a cream puff. (My favorite was the peach)

Lastly I did just a little bit of sightseeing towards the end of the week.

This is me at a Chunichi Dragons baseball game. Baseball is huge in Japan and this is the local Nagoya team. This night they won 1-0 against the Hiroshima Carp. The energy was super high the entire game, fans constantly cheering, music playing, it was so much fun. (I ended up buying a jersey because the starting pitcher did so well).

I have felt so much more comfortable in my surroundings this week and cannot wait to keep learning about and exploring this amazing country.

Until next time, さようなら, また 来週

Connor Gilfillan

Mechanical Engineering

NUSIP Automotive Engineering in Nagoya, Japan

[justanothersyscourse]

hi ok so !! about your post on singlets in syscourse i just want to say i agree with you! i'm a singlet and my ex is a DID system, and during all the time i knew they were a system (2 years+) and the time we dated (almost a year) i've never really been able to partake (in good faith) in syscourse because i'm a singlet. i've spent over 2 years learning as much as i can about DID and OSDD and sometimes i'd like to partake in some syscourse and each time i try (in good faith! i cant emphasize that enough) both sides treat me like shit. like you said, singlets dont have a place in ALL discussions (i certainly wouldnt and dont want to stick my nose everywhere) but yeah there's a time and a place and like you said, to engage in constructive and positive conversations, which is exactly what i'd like to do. but even in those times and places both sides shut down whatever a singlet says, even if they do actually have some kind of standing in the discussion (like the examples you gave), say things in good faith and have knowledge of what they're talking about (like you also said). i've never really seen anyone display this opinion so kudos to you for voicing that!

My partner has been with us for ten years, and they've known about us for six of those years.

When he first found out, he went looking for resources, and one of the first ones he found was called The Significant Other's Guide to Dissociative Identity Disorder. It's a funny, honest guide written by another singlet partner. It talks about the good and the bad, insurance, therapy, hospitals, etc. Most importantly, it talks about what to expect from your system partner.

It wasn't until a few years later that he showed us this guide, and he explained that the brutally honest take on system behavior helped him become a better spouse for us. It talks bluntly about how systems are selfish by nature. Not in a negative way, just as a matter of fact. We have so much going on in our heads that sometimes it's really hard for us to keep our partners in mind, as well, and it comes across as selfishly absorbed, at times. It talks about how to handle that kind of behaviour, and the rewarding love you get in return.

But that REALLY struck me. It was true, and so was a lot of other, negative stuff (stereotypes?). It kind of put my partner in a new light for us-- we gained a huge amount of respect for him and appreciation for the things he put up with and tried to work with us on. Of how much work he put in and how much patience he had.

Singlets have an incredibly unique view on certain aspects of the disorder and of system life that is SO important to the conversation. I wish he had shown it to me earlier, but he said he didn't think I was in a place to hear it back then, and he was probably right. I wouldn't have taken it as positively and it wouldn't have had such a profound impact on us. Now we do our best to stay mindful of things-- so that we can be better, too.

Singlets tend be an unbiased, outside view. It's why anyone with half a brain encourages questioning systems to see a therapist. Traumatized, mentally ill individuals tend NOT to be good judges of... Much of anything, really. Themselves, situations, other people. I can't tell you how many times I was TEN THOUSAND PERCENT SURE I was a making a safe, smart decision, and he was behind me, rolling his eyes, waiting patiently for me to come to my senses, and then I'd run crying back to him when it all went to shit, because holy crap, that was dumb of me.

He also is VERY aware of the nuances of syscourse, he hears me talk about it daily. He engages with it through me. He's done enough of his own research to form his own opinions and thoughts so he can support me, and/or tell me when I'm being a proper little shit.

I talked recently about the unique perspectives of people who dipped their toes into plurality and DID/OSDD, and realized/admitted they weren't systems, and those who realized it was something else. Those perspectives are just as unique and useful in helping other systems figure their stuff out. They do understand syscourse. They've likely engaged in it before. They're allowed to, still.

Singlets who have never met a system in their life, but have a peer reviewed paper in have are goddamn allowed in syscourse to share it and talk about it.

They sure as fuck might be wrong, but they have every right to get involved, when and where they're welcome.

👏 Singlets 👏 have 👏 a 👏 place 👏 in 👏 syscourse 👏

Anon, you are welcome in my community <3

[givemearmstopraywith]

ohhh, can i ask why you personally don’t want to do therapy? not as a scrutinizing question but more of a “oh. i’ve never encountered a person who actively chose not to do therapy” because i’m really super curious!! but also, if it’s too intimate, pls feel free to just ignore this ask :))

i don't find that contemporary therapy practices, at least at the level which i can afford in the area where i currently am, serve the mental health issues that i have and what i've experienced in my past. therapy is subject to trends, like anything else. the current trend in therapy is one that has actively harmed my mental health and caused me to regress, dissociate, or worse when i've tried to access mental health services. i also find that most therapists who are available to me are not equipped to deal with the type of trauma and comorbidities that i have.

there's also, obviously, financial barriers. most free or low-cost therapy options are coming from people who specialize in cognitive behaviour therapy, which unilaterally does not work for me. cbt treats symptoms of mental illness in order to rehabilitate people who are "sick" so they can function at a level deemed "normal." it does not treat the underlying cause of the symptoms of mental health issues, and when ive done cbt i have ended up regressing hugely and wound up worse off than i was before. i thought maybe i was just doing it "wrong" for years and i was the problem, but i became friends with someone who has a similar traumatic background to me and discovered they also found that cbt did not work for them.

this isn't a choice that i would recommend to anyone, but for me personally being able to allow myself to not prioritize therapy and not play into a feedback loop of guilt and inadequacy- the idea that im not "doing enough" to "fix" a "problem" with my brain- has been hugely empowering. im saying that with caution because i dont want impressionable young people to take this and run with it. if i had the choice, i would be in therapy. and someday, when i have the financial means and access to the therapy that is right for me, i will absolutely pursue it. but we live in a wellness based culture that has simultaneously given everyone the tools they need for diagnosis, while also having coopted mental health into the same arena as fitness, thinness, and diet culture. if you're not actively try to make your brain work better or run faster, then you're lazy. if you're doing what should work to make your brain run faster and its not helping, then that's a problem with you and not with the help you're getting or the industry that's giving it to you. im very critical of how mental health is dealt with, and a lot moreso now that i've engaged in practical training in psychotherapy and spiritual care.

that being said, and this is very important: when my mental health was at its worst, when i was actively suicidal and experiencing extremes of manic depression, i was in therapy because i couldn't cope with it on my own. me deciding that i didnt want to therapy coincided with me recovering from serious issues with mental health and having numerous live changes that allowed me to be safe and stable- i left a very bad job, stopped talking to dysfunctional people, left abusive relationships, and reoriented my life path to one where i felt content and like i was fulfilling my purpose. not being in therapy only worked once the outside factors of my environment were as good as i could get them. if you are in crisis or feel like you may hurt yourself, you should absolutely not hesitate to seek help and not use me as an example in any way whatsoever, except in terms of being critical of the type of therapy you are getting and not being afraid to decide something is wrong for you if it feels like its not helping. you are allowed to decide that something doesn't feel right for you.

[ellowynthenotking]

Feb 7

Dear Dad, 

The town is fine. It's not huge, but also not so small as to be able to walk the entire place in one day. I think the others are hoping to move on quicker. We did have a plan, a plan that kind of went out the window with winter and with some of the other things that happened. But we're just moving on. We're going to keep moving on. It's all we can do, I think. I mean, there's no telling how far or how long it's really going to take us to get from point A to point B. Half the maps in this place aren't even accurate. They're, at best, rough estimates. At worst, and most likely, they're borderline completely made up. It's pretty much impossible to tell which is which if we don't buy the map cause no one wants to let us look at the maps for very long without buying them.

But in some good news, I found a library, and they have a couple maps that we can look at. 

It’s okay. All of it is just okay. It doesn't sound like any of us have found work while we were here, which isn't great cause we're just burning through the little bit of money we did have. 

We’re going to leave soon. This place doesn't have anything new for us or anything new that'll help us. But there's nothing at the library that's obviously going to help us. No work means we can only stay here for so long before we have to leave cause we won't be able to stay in the in, and I doubt that there will be anyone nice enough to just let us stay with them. 

There's just too many of us for that. If it were just me or just two of us, maybe we'd be able to convince someone to let us crash on their couch for a day or two. But no one wants to take in six teens. Definitely, no one wants to when we're all hungry with no money, no jobs, and no skills. 

Hopefully, we'll find work in the next place. Which is just insane to me. What 15-year-old wants a job? We should need jobs! We should be home safe and sound, working on school stuff or getting ready for Valentine's Day or something. Learning about things in school that we're probably never going to use again. Where's the homework? 

Well, I mean, for me, the homework is practicing spells, trying over and over again to get them right. But that's not regular homework. People aren't typically trying to shape the world with the stroke of a pen. Which is exactly what I'm attempting to do. It's craziness. It's nonsense. But it's what I'm doing.

We keep working, we keep trying. I think we've traveled further in this world, across all of this, than I have in literally the entire rest of my life. 

If we're not traveling on horseback, walking, riding in a cart, then I'm walking from place to place in towns trying to get to people, trying to talk to people that might hired more for work. It's insane, is what it is, impossible at best. The only good thing about all of this is I'm waking up when I want to, for the most part. 

Occasionally, suppose we're outside of a town. In that case, I'll get woken up by one of the others to help keep watch in the middle of the night, but really, I'm sleeping so much most of the time, and it's fantastic. 

But there's something else that happened that I should tell you about. And it doesn't have to do with the dragon, I promise. 

When we were in that crazy kid's place. And he made Grace and I get married. He gave us these rings. Our wedding rings. I've been wearing mine. It's mine. It's a tie to my friends and Grace but also to everything we've been through while here. If I get home and I still have it, I'll know it was all real, you know? 

Well, some guy saw it and asked me a bunch of questions about it. He said it was a signet ring for the little lord's household. That it was important somehow. 

He offered me good money, he offered me a lot of good money for it. Like, enough that I don't think we'd have to work for a while, and we'd still be able to afford food and housing and stuff, for a while, actually. 

Like a long while. 

But I can’t lose it. It's mine, but it's more than just mine. It's more than just a ring to me. To that guy, it was a status symbol. To me, it's. Well, it's important. And I don't want to sell it. Or lose it. Or just give it away. 

It's a tie to Grace for me. It's a connection from a shared event. The ring is important to me. Even if she doesn't feel the same, I know she's been wearing hers. 

I know that as soon as we get home, the "wedding" won't mean anything cause there weren't any witnesses who would be able to vouch for us. There wasn't a priest or anything there to bless the union. It wasn't even really done willingly cause, technically, neither of us wanted to get married. 

But I'm still wearing my ring, 'cause even if I don't know if I want to be married to Grace, I still like that there's this connection, and even if she doesn't actually care about me that way. Maybe the fact she's still wearing her ring, too, is a sign that she likes the connection, too?

I should probably talk to her about it, about all of this. We haven't spoken much in the last little bit. I mean, we talked when we were celebrating her birthday, but not really before. And not so much after. And not at all today.

I hope she's not mad at me.

But also, there’s going to be a chance to talk to her more. Hopefully, after we get home, we can talk and maybe-

I don't know. 

We’re going to a bigger place nearby to work, I'm hoping I might be able to find somewhere to work and maybe learn more spells, but I should probably focus on food money first. Then, the fancy flippy stuff.

It might be a few days until I can write you. I think about you a lot and hope you're doing okay. 

We'll get home sooner or later. It's just a matter of time. Then, I can introduce you to Grace. I think she'll like you're cooking, and maybe we can all have some big event where we all just get to meet each other's families, catch up, and hear about what's been going on while we've been gone. 

I'd really like that. 

Love Jack

Read the rest of the series here: 

Or read more by this author here: 

[miku-nt]

What I've Been up to

Hello! I've been really inactive and haven't posted anything in more than two weeks so I just wanted to get out what I'm doing and how I'm feeling right now.

I believe I've talked previously about how I get overstimulated easily and how I was taking a brief break from my hobbies so that I could refocus and calm down. I started that break about three weeks ago now and I never really felt any better so as of right now I think it's best if I just start back up with my hobbies and try to push through it.

Participating in my hobbies is my main way of getting out of bad moods so It can be pretty hard for me to feel ok when I get in that overstimulated state. If it has been this long I think that forcing myself to participate is probably the best course... Sometimes it is hard for me to tell if a bad mood is causing me to not be very active or if not being very active is causing me to have a bad mood. Life is difficult like that.

In the mean time, while I work up the motivation to unpack more of my collection and start writing again, I thought it would be a good idea for me to just briefly write about what I've been up to recently as a way to ease myself back in. Of course, I haven't really done much due to my mood but there are still some things I could write about and every little bit of effort helps so here we go!

First of all something completely off topic: a few weeks ago I reposted something from an account I like talking about how everyone should be careful of the heat and make sure that they are staying safe. I really love things like that where you can tell that the creator genuinely wants everyone to be safe and take care of themselves so I couldn't help sharing it, but now thinking about it I would like to keep this blog as a place for just my thoughts so I'll likely remove the repost. I just felt like mentioning it here because of how much it made me happy and also because it is a genuinely important reminder! Just a few days after seeing it I was being completely unsafe and ended standing in the sun for more than an hour. I got really sick suddenly and I just feel the need to remind people that heat stroke can occur very quickly and that you should genuinely take extreme caution while outside during extreme heat!

Recently, I've read a lot of romance comics. To be honest, it's mainly because my TikTok recommends a lot of them to me. Typically I try not to use TikTok that much as it always has trouble recommending stuff that I'm genuinely interested in but occasionally it actually understands my tastes and I get addicted for a few days. I haven't read too many comics/manga but I do really enjoy the cheesy romance stuff. About a year ago I got really into Komi Can't Communicate and bought the first few chapters and read them a couple times over, but reading all of that cute stuff makes me super excited which tires me out so I wasn't able to keep up, although I would still consider myself a fan. The series I just got into is called "Crossplay Love" and it's about two crossdressers who are just completely in love with each other. It is super cliche and on the nose but it's also adorable and I just can't help but love it. I read through every currently translated chapter online and am now considering actually ordering all currently published parts as I definitely prefer actually having physical copies. I'm also considering getting back into Komi Can't Communicate while I'm thinking about it.

Now for something actually on topic: I got the recently released Miku tamagotchi and have been having lots of fun taking care of her. I had a tamagotchi when I was younger but I was never a huge fan so I had to relearn how to take care of her but she ended evolving into Magical Mirai 10th ver, which is apparently the, like, "perfect care" version so I'm super happy about that.

Ok now I'm pretty tired so I'm going to stop here. It feels really nice to write again. In the next few days I definitely want to write more. The Miku Expo 2023 costume contest winner turned out super cute and I would love to talk about her. Also, the Polaris scale finally got a painted prototype and she looks gorgeous. She was in my top three most anticipated figures so I'm super glad she will be up for preorder soon. I would also like to focus on unpacking but that is something that takes up way more of my energy than it should so I want to make sure I'm ok to do that. I'll try to start small today and if everything goes well I'll hopefully post about it later and finally be able to start arranging my shelves.

Anyway, that was kinda just me writing anything that came to my head just to get my motivation back up so it ended up being way longer than I meant for it to be, which I guess is a good thing. I promise I'll try to be more active in my hobbies but I also have to make sure I'm not pushing myself. Even through it can be hard sometimes, I'm actually really glad I get so excited over things, it's way better than not having anything to care about. It just is sad it causes me to get so tired.

Thank you so much for reading, if anyone does. I typically just try to focus on posting stuff for my own sake as I enjoy doing it and I like looking back on them, but I have to admit that is does make me happy when my posts get interactions. I don't really expect this to get much as it is kinda just me rambling and I'm not going to tag it but seeing people actually like my posts is super cool. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my stuff. Love you lots!

[savventeen]

hello! i was wondering if i could request: things you said before you kissed me with dino :)

got my heart in my feet ('cause they lead me to you)

Chan looks at you, and you look at him, both of you searching. "Y/n, I..." he starts. Something determined settles in his eyes, and then, both bold and hesitant, "You're the most beautiful person I've ever met."

pairing: dino x reader rating: T wc: 2.4k warnings: intrusive anxious/depressive thoughts (reader's), some cussing, crying, vague mention of family issues tags: college au (barely), friends to lovers, emotional hurt/comfort, first kiss summary: gn!reader has a bad day, and they unintentionally find themselves falling apart at their best friend Chan's door in desperate need of a hug a/n: this is not at all what i thought it was going to be when i started on this prompt lmao. i was also expecting it to be around 500 words at most :') anyway, i have no idea if this is what you were looking for, but i hope you enjoy! theme song || the painting y/n talks about at the end is castanets by silvia vassileva || prompt from this list

Most of the time, you don’t consider yourself an impulsive person. In fact, you usually find yourself in the position of being other people’s impulse control — *cough*Soonyoung*cough* — and were more often than not the designated mom-friend in whatever social circle you found yourself in.

It's not that you aren't spontaneous on occasion (usually at someone else's behest), but you always think it through first. Even your backup plans have backup plans, Seokmin had joked once, and you'd agreed.

So it’s strange to say the least that you find yourself standing outside of Chan’s door at nearly midnight on a Tuesday night, arm frozen where it’s raised to knock, and no memory of making a conscious decision to be here.

You remember getting off of the most stressful 8-hour turned 12-hour shift you’ve ever experienced in your life to see three missed calls and a voicemail from your mother berating you for never having time for your family, and then to top it all off, you’d realized that you had an essay due the next morning that you’d barely started and hadn’t had the time to finish.

It’d been too much, the final straw after weeks of building pressure, and it had taken everything in you not to burst into tears right there in the middle of the sidewalk outside of your work. You’d held them in and started walking home, trying to plan out what you could eat while scrambling to finish your essay. But all you’d really been able to think about was how much you just really, really wanted a hug.

Which must be why you find yourself standing here, now — you’d wanted comfort, and without thinking, your feet had taken you to Chan’s door.

Somehow, at some undesignated point, Chan had become your safe space.

And that’s… that’s a big realization for you. Huge. Potentially earth-shattering, if you were to really think about it. Which, no. Now is not the time for you to have any kind of Big Feelings epiphanies about your best friend — you feel like you’re barely hanging on by a thread as it is. So you quickly shove any and all related thoughts into your “for later” folder and blink back into the present.

You're still standing in front of Chan's apartment door, and you quickly bring your arm down when you realize you still have it raised to knock. A beat passes, and you raise your hand again, only to bring it immediately back to your side.

Fuck.

You know you need to go home and finish your essay, to eat and snag an hour or so of sleep if you can, you know this. But apparently, your heart has taken over control of your feet, because try as you might, you can't seem to get them to move.

And you hate this, because it feels like any semblance of control you might have had has slipped from between your fingers and scattered like dropped marbles on the faux-tile floor.

It's too much. Like a marionette with its strings cut, you let your body tilt forward, your head thumping into the solid wood of the door.

Thirty seconds, you decide. That's how long you're going to let yourself fall apart. And then you're going to pull yourself together, pull all the aching, exhausted pieces back into place, and you're going to go home and do your stupid essay and convince yourself that your existence is not a burden to everyone around you.

It's a solid plan, you think. Except, when you only have seven seconds left of your personal pity party, the door you're still leaning against swings open and you stumble forward. A pair of sturdy hands catch your shoulders, and suddenly you find yourself face-to-face with a very confused Chan.

"Whoah, y/n? You okay? What’s going on?”

The only thought that manages to break through the sudden panic parkouring around every crevice of your brain is how your best friend looks like a dream-shaped miracle, while you must look like an absolute train wreck.

The threadbare hoodie you have on over your food-stained uniform is dingy at best, and its deep navy color matches the dark bags you know are drooping under your eyes. You didn't bother with makeup since you always sweat it off at work anyway, the pimples along your jaw on display, and your hair is a tangled mess atop your head. Basically, you feel gross and exhausted and like you're the epitome of Stressed the Fuck Out™️.

And then there's Lee Chan, barefaced and beautiful and looking like the epitome of soft and comfortable. He’s wearing a pair of baggy sweatpants beneath an oversized dark grey t-shirt that looks so soft the thought of touching it almost makes you want to cry. His hair is adorably tousled and curling a bit at the ends, like he’d just finished rubbing a towel over his head after a shower, and the light from his apartment casts a warm, golden halo around his head — an angel of domesticity.

“Y/n?” His hands slide from your shoulders down to your biceps and give a soft squeeze, dark brows furrowed in concern.

Guilt slams into you with the force of a freight train. You're bothering him, he's obviously getting ready for bed; you're such an inconvenience, why would you drag him into your bullshit; you still have so much to do, why are you wasting his time like this; why can you never do anything right?

You step back, out of his grasp — practically a flinch. “Sorry. I— sorry."

Immediately, you miss his touch. The places on your arms where he held you feel like they've been magnetically charged, and you stare at the way his hands hover in the air like he’s still trying to hold you — the positive to your negative.

"I shouldn't—" you start, watching his hands slowly lower to his sides. Something cracks inside your chest, and you take another step back. Your voice turns thick. "Sorry. I'm— I'm gonna go."

You start to turn, to walk down the hallway and out of the building and into the crushing night, but Chan's voice stops you. "Wait!"

And when have you ever been able to ignore him?

Unbidden, your eyes are drawn back to him — to the way he's half-stepped out of the doorway, bare feet peeking out from the fabric of his pants, one hand stretched out towards you.

He looks at you, really looks at you, and takes another careful step forward. "I—" He bites his lip. "I'm here for you, y/n. What do you need?"

What do you need?

Your heart is the one that answers, tears finally spilling over your cheeks and dripping down to your chin. "Channie..." You swallow the lump in your throat and croak, "I just really need a hug."

Between one breath and the next, you find yourself completely wrapped up in his arms. His hold is somehow both crushing and gentle, and you think that maybe, just maybe, it's the exact kind of embrace you could let yourself fall apart in.

"Aish, why didn't you say so," Chan murmurs into the crown of your head, voice tinged with worry but warm and heavy like a weighted blanket. "I've always got hugs locked and loaded for you."

You feel him flex the tiniest bit and it startles a choked laugh out of you. That laugh quickly morphs into a sob, though, and the next thing you know, you're crying into his chest and he's murmuring gentle nothings to you as he waddles the both of you into the apartment. Not once do his arms move from where they're wrapped around you, even as he closes the door and brings the two of you to the couch, pulling you down so you're leaning against his chest.

Time passes. You're not sure how much, exactly, but you do know that Chan holds you the entire time, rubbing soothing arcs across your back and rocking you in a gentle sway. His quiet reassurances and little anecdotes have turned into soft humming — tender melodies pressed to the top of your head that drip down into your chest cavity and slowly fill up the aching empty.

When your cries have died down to the occasional sniffle, Chan pulls you impossibly closer and lets out a deep breath. "Feeling better?"

"Yeah." It comes out stuffy, your nose completely clogged from all the crying you just did. "Ugh."

Chan snorts, and you think that it's finally come time for you to leave the haven of his arms. That it's time for you to laugh it all off and convince him you're fine and make your way back to your apartment. But he doesn't move, doesn't give any kind of indication that he wants you to leave. He just keeps holding you, and you keep letting him, and you let yourself rest in the gentle rise and fall of his chest beneath your cheek.

"You really scared me, you know?" He swallows. "I've never seen you cry like that before."

No one's ever seen me cry like that, you think. And then the guilt starts creeping back in. It's different than the overwhelming guilt from earlier, more muted but somehow more precise in the way it pierces your heart — a needle compared to a battering ram.

"Sorry," you murmur. "Didn't mean to scare you."

"No, that's not—" He sighs harshly through his nose. "I'm glad you came to me, okay? I want to be here for you, for everything." His arms flex around you. "What's the point of having these guns if I can't use them to hold you when you need it?"

You know he's just saying it to cheer you up, to make you smile, but... That "for later" folder is suddenly at the forefront of your mind, the repressed feelings within it bursting at the seams, and all you can think is — oh.

Chan loosens his grip when he feels you start to move, but he doesn't let go. He lets you adjust within the circle of his arms until you're both facing each other as you lean against the back of the couch and you're able to look him in the eyes for the first time since you started crying.

There's half of a smile pulling up one corner of his mouth leftover from the quip he made, but a furrow rests between his brows, and there's... something shining in his eyes, an emotion that you can't quite place.

It makes you feel tingly with some kind of anticipation — dread or hope or some weird combination of both.

You ask, "Even when I'm gross and snotty and just cried all over you?"

"Especially then."

And maybe it's the way the warm lamplight drapes itself across his face, creating soft shadows and gauzy highlights, but you're reminded of a painting you came across in one of your art classes. You can't remember the name of it or even the artist, but you remember the colors, warm and soft with a glowing center. And you remember the way the large brushstrokes were somehow both bold and hesitant, full of a feeling so big and scary it took every ounce of will to try and scrape them out for the world to see.

He looks at you, and you look at him, both of you searching. "Y/n, I..." he starts. Something determined settles in his eyes, and then, both bold and hesitant, "You're the most beautiful person I've ever met."

You're not sure if you remember how to breathe.

The disbelief must show on your face because he scowls at you. "I'm serious."

A thousand questions pound against your ribs in time with your heart — how? why? when? me? me? me? — but what comes out, nearly a whisper, is, "You really mean it?"

His laugh is incredulous, like the question is somehow ludicrous. "Yeah, y/n. I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm kind of in love with you?"

You don't think he meant to say that, based on the way his eyes go wide and he bites his lip. But he doesn't take it back.

He doesn't take it back, and you feel hope bloom bright and ferocious inside your chest.

"Yeah?" you ask, breathless.

He smiles, small and lopsided. "Yeah."

A smile stretches across your face, so wide that your cheeks are already aching, and you have the distinct privilege of watching that same hope blossom across Chan's face.

"I think I'm kind of in love with you, too."

His grin is a shot to your fluttering heart, so bright and wide you wonder if it's morning already, the sun rising with the force of his smile. "Yeah?" he echoes, and he leans forward until your foreheads are touching.

If this is a dream, you never want it to end. "Yeah."

He leans impossibly closer, your noses brushing. "I think I'm gonna kiss you now if that's okay with you."

And this is how you know it's not a dream, because Lee Chan, your best friend whom you're in love with and who's also apparently in love with you, just said he was going to kiss you and your brain promptly implemented a complete factory reset.

Head empty, no thoughts, just Chan's lips hovering inches away from yours. And when they don't get any closer, you remember that you need to give some kind of verbal response.

"Yeah. That's— yeah. Yes. I would— yes." You think your face might be on fire. "Yeah? Yes. I think you broke my brain a little bit, so if— yeah. If you could please just kiss me alr—"

He mercifully cuts you off, laughing into the kiss, and you wish you could bottle this moment — the sound, the feeling, all of it. His hands come up to cup your face, turning the chaste press of lips into something long and lingering, gentle and yearning, and it feels like the both of you are saying finally, finally, finally.

With a satisfied sigh that makes your toes curl, he pulls just far enough away to murmur, "Promise you'll keep coming to me, okay? For everything. Forever."

"Okay, Channie," you promise, just as quiet.

You have a feeling your feet will always take you exactly where you need to go.

[sakura-ame-no-ai]

"bring a jacket next time."

pairings: tetsurou kuroo x reader

genre: fluff

notes: in japan, their way of checking the time is much different than america. they use 24-hour clocks. so if it was 1 in the afternoon, it would be counted as 13:00 for them.

a/n: it felt like some special holiday for me today and i don't know why... but seriously, how is my last kenma fanfic getting so much love istg- anyways, enjoy this fanfiction! i couldn't think of a good title for this on... :sob:

you sneeze suddenly when a gust of wind blows against your legs. it is indeed cold outside, but the shriveled leaves scraping their way down the street makes it seem much colder.

"why does it have to be so cold on a beautiful night like this..," you mutter to yourself, wrapping yourself with your arms.

too bad you didn't contemplate on bringing a jacket with you before bursting through the door with kuroo calling behind you.

well, now you feel a little guilty remembering that you lied to kuroo that you were going to buy some snacks at a nearby konbini. in reality, you just want to spend most of the night searching for some shooting stars.

you make a brief trip to the park, to which you find everything abandoned. that one big red slide that you always see children fighting to have their turn on is now empty and lonely. the swings seem motionless, too. however, they still rock back and forth every now and then when a chilly breeze rushes by. the seesaw is tilted down at an angle, making one side touch the ground full of woodchips.

you search for that favorite brown bench that has legs made out of an elegant black metal of some sort. soon, you discover it sitting under a big maple tree silently. it faces a metal fence that is as high as your waist, which a beautiful view of a huge lake stretches out on the other side of that fence. you don't hesitate to plop down and make yourself comfy on the bench, admiring the wavy reflection of the glittering stars and moon on the water's surface.

you could stare at such a view all day...

well, you would if you had brought a jacket though.

the cold night air wraps around you, trying to embrace you in a friendly way, but all it does is make you shiver and lift your feet onto the bench. you hug your knees and bury your mouth and nose inside your arms and knees, cursing to yourself about why you were stupid enough to not bring some warm clothing before setting out.

"just like i thought," a voice that sounds very familiar booms out from behind you, making you flinch.

you turn your head around to see a bedhair walk up to you with a cheeky grin.

"tetsu?!" you squeal, a little shocked that he actually know exactly where you were. "how did you know i'm here?"

kuroo is bundled up in a scarf and his nekoma jacket. he also has a thick piece of folded cloth draped over his right arm, making you assume that it's probably a blanket.

"i've never seen you that eager to do some shopping at the konbini, kitten," he replies, taking a seat next to you.

"you've always been a fan of sceneries outside, so that gave me an idea."

you give him a look of amazement, awed by the fact that he knows you very well like you're his child or something. however, it isn't long before kuroo bonks you on the head.

"you little rascal~ why didn't you bring a coat? it's like below 25 degrees celsius, and here you are, hanging out at the park, short-sleeved, and without a jacket or coat."

you whimper at his remarks.

"well, you know i was excited, tetsu..," you pout, puffing your cheeks out.

he chuckles, "nobody was blaming you, ok?"

kuroo takes a moment to peel off his nekoma jacket and place it over your shoulders. you gratefully hug it over your shoulders. other than the fact that it smells strongly of that lavender body soap you gave him, the jacket felt warm from kuroo's body heat, making you feel safe.

an unintentional smile slips onto your lips and you readjust your gaze to the sky.

"say... do you think there will be any shooting stars tonight?"

kuroo lifts a brow before fixing his gaze at the sky as well.

"oya? hunting for shooting stars?"

you nod eagerly, continuing to look up attentively.

"mhm! you told me that it's shooting star season!"

the branches of the maple tree above you sway gently, swishing its leaves together to create gentle rustling sounds.

kuroo smiles and points towards one of the stars.

"do you know how stars are formed, n/n?" he asks you, his finger directing your gaze towards the appointed star.

you squint to make a more intricate observation of the star while racking your brain, trying to remember your astrology lessons at school.

"well... don't stars form from accumulated gas and dust in space?" you finally conclude, remembering one fact your teacher has emphasized back then.

kuroo nods happily.

"yep. stars form when the gravity of the dust and air collapse together, which makes them heat up out of pressure."

he continues to ramble on about how stars mostly contain hydrogen and helium, the lightest elements to exist in the universe, and how stars are, in reality, exploding balls of gas.

you listen patiently as he explains. you are always interested in his nerdy science talk, as well as the way he is invested in his own world when a discussion related to a scientific topic arises.

it takes him a little bit to finish his explanation with a sneeze.

of course, he's not wearing his jacket. that's why.

you take off the jacket you were wearing and hand it to him.

"you're gonna catch a cold, so take your jacket back."

however, he pushes it back into your chest.

"no, kitten. you have it. i'm worried about you more."

you begin to pout, angry that he's always caring for your health instead of his own.

"no, kuroo," you say with an upset look. "this is not my jacket."

you two begin fighting about who should wear kuroo's jacket, exaggerating the possibilities of not wearing one and lecturing one another.

"that's it," kuroo sighs, looking troubled.

at first, you are confused by his words.

"what do you m-"

it was at this moment that kuroo covers the blanket that you forgot he had brought onto his back and then trapping you inside his arms, wrapping your body inside the blanket.

"there, now we're both warm," he smirks.

you take a while to understand the situation you're currently in before blushing madly. you look up at him, only to see that usual proud smirk on his face. he obviously did this on purpose.

"tetsu?! what the actual hell?!" you scream.

"oya? anything wrong?" he asks a little too 'innocently', pissing you off.

you growl back, "of course, you dumbass! people might see us and take this to like a million different wrong directions!"

"kitten, it's almost half-past 23:00. it's really unlikely that we'll be seen since most people are asleep."

you can't counter back, because that sly cat is right. most people are asleep at this time, so it's highly unlikely that you'd get caught like this with kuroo.

you have no idea how to react, so you decide to lean your back against kuroo, resting your head on his chest. at least, you realize that you feel much warmer than wearing his jacket. in the end, you start to relax, paying closer attention to the steady rise and fall of his chest while he breathes.

"do you ever see stars as memories when you look at them?" you ask kuroo, tilting your head upwards to meet his gaze.

"sometimes," he smiles, looks at one of the stars.

"like that one near that giant cloud reminds me of when i stole your meat from your lunchbox."

you cough.

"do you think this is a great time to bring this up??"

he only smirks at you. "you asked if i get reminded of anything when i look at a star."

you pout a little and fix your eyes to another star and point your finger towards it.

"well, this one reminds me of when yaku beat your ass for stealing meat from my lunchbox."

you two begin talking back and forth, saying which star represented which memory, laughing about the old days, and fighting about various things, like who should've gotten to eat that scrumptious piece of steak.

as you come back to argue about the lunchbox situation again, a white streak catches your eyes, snapping your attention back to the sky.

"look, tetsu! shooting stars!" you exclaim.

what kuroo turns his head to look at the sky with you.

sure enough, more streaks of white rain down like a slight drizzle.

"hurry up! make a wish!" you tell him before clasping your hands together before your face and close your eyes.

kuroo looks at you, then back at the sky. after a while, he closes his eyes and makes his wish.

i want to stay by y/n's side, even after i graduate.

however, he doesn't say it out loud. instead, he wraps his arms around your chest after you have finished making your wish.

for the first time in forever, kuroo gives you the most genuine smile that you've ever seen, which surprises you since you're so used to his cheeky smirks. it reminds you of honey and its sweet flavor.

"you know, kitty, we could do this next time," he coos in the sweetest voice you've ever heard him use.

"did you think i'd stop you?"

"ummmm..."

you look side-ways towards the tree beside you before give him your honest response.

"weeeeell, i thought you'd tell me it'd be too late into the night to do something like this and that i wouldn't be able to wake up if i stay up star-hunting."

kuroo chuckles, petting your head lightly with that big hand of his

"things like this are exceptions."

your eyes light up to his words. he has officially announced the permit to stay up searching for shooting stars that you adore a lot. it makes you very happy that you smile back warmly.

"thank you, tetsurou," you sigh, leaning into his chest comfortably.

"it's nothing, y/n."

he continues to stroke your hair in a soothing way as he maintains that genuine smile on his lips.

"just bring a jacket next time, or star-hunting will be off-limits."

[septembersghost]

i started watching bcs when it first aired but stopped when i got to season 5 because life got busy for me. i started watching again this year because i relapsed in my addiction and my mental health is literally is shambles and i found your blog and kimwexlersstrap and laloslayamanca's and it was a distraction from m pain to read your posts and memes and such so i started watching again to read your live blogging and feel a part of it even though i never post anything. now that i finished im like ok what do i distract myself with lol i feel so stupid and empty it's insane how something like a tv show is the only thing holding someone together

🥺 anon i am holding you tightly in a hug right now (@kimwexlersstrap @laloslayamanca i hope you both see this too 💗)

did you read what i linked from the sub in my post yesterday? if you didn't, i want to copy the text for you here, okay?

I just wanted to make this post because I was thinking about how very soon better call Saul will be over. And I know for a lot of addicts, and people who suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts, the ending of a tv show can be a huge trigger.

For some of us, the idea that another season of a show is coming out is a reason to stick around for another year. Sometimes it can feel like the only reason.

So I just wanted to make this post to remind those people to stay strong. There are always more shows, works of art and other aspects of life to fall in love with and provide us with passion. I know that these passions can sometimes be what keeps us alive. And regardless of all that, it does get better and recovery is never too far out of reach.

While Better Call Saul may end, life goes on. This show will always be in our hearts and we’re gonna be okay even after it ends.

I’m so glad we all got to connect over our passion for this phenomenal work of art. Much love to all of you and stay safe <3 (x)

reading that spoke closely to me, as someone who also very much stays alive for art. bcs has been such a dear and vital anchor for me for years. i've written about this in the past, but as someone chronically ill/disabled and homebound (entirely since dec. 2019), stories and music are my absolute lifelines and my connections to the outside world, and being here on tumblr is my window to it and the way i'm able to express it and reach other people. it is not stupid, ever, and it is not empty, it's vast. it's no small thing, it is profoundly important and real. they're the things that quite literally have kept me alive and given me a light in dark times. i struggle with anxiety/depression/suicidal ideation going along with my chronic illness/pain conditions, and the reprieve i have is in the art i dearly love and am passionate about. maybe i over-invest because of this, but i find i'd rather care too much and at least have something to hold onto. whenever i'm hurting, those passions keep me here.

this year has been a hard struggle and full of fear for my mom and me, and having bcs to look forward to and bond over/discuss has been dear to us, we're both feeling its loss heavily today.

when something ends, there is always a sadness. it's never silly to feel the depth of that grief, we need the time and the room to process that. it hits especially hard when it's something that's helped keep us going. nothing you're feeling is wrong, and i hope you know you're not alone at all.

i'm very happy you rediscovered the show and joined us here! even if you don't post anything, i promise your presence is appreciated. this message itself means so much to me, and i'm glad you're here. i'm sending you love and any strength i can, please remember that you matter and know that my blog is here and my askbox is always open to you. 💙💙💙

[lexpressobean]

I've been thinking about these 3 alot...

... and how much they seem to really respect Shino. I know it's a filler, but, like... Why does it seem like Shino has a knack for finding children who have wondered off away from school? Like, he's just taking a walk, making his way around the village or surrounding forest, and then there they are. Kids playing hooky or some shit. And Shino just takes it upon himself to approach them and steer them back to where they should be, while getting them attached to him somehow in the process??

But honestly. If this was just one of many times this had happened, I'd say Shino does this not out of his knack for teaching or having a way with kids. Rather, he developed a way with kids and easily applies that to his teaching because he has a strong desire to simply protect children. And it's not even from some paternal instinct as much as survival, because I think it stems from the developing trauma of losing Torune to Danzo. And I don't think it's all subconscious either.

Like I know the novel and anime frames his desicion to teach as a sort of a new goal in life as the war has ended for a couple years already and a noticable Peace has been achieved by the Blank Period and well... He's an Aburame.

Like, the Aburame are literal living, breathing, walking bioweapons. With no fight to utilize that, what else is there? Well, much like the Nara have the Nara forest and Pharmacology specifically, The Aburame most likely have a historical stake in the area of Konoha, perhaps it was simply in their Ancestral Home. Idk, but they're here to stay, they ain't budging. They're Clan Culture is very Martial and I'd argue Spartan in nature, but otherwise, they do other things too. I think they'd do well as major players in the conservation and research of native species of animals and plants, but definitely insects too. I bet they play a huge part in the general area's ecosystem, especially due to the fact that the Kamizuru clan attacked with a whole clan's worth of non-native Hymenoptera that could very well have become and still are an irritatingly and consistent problem as invasive species tend to be. And as a far as goods go, why not put some of them to use and handle an apiary? Honey is a great good to sell. All of this is great as a clan that no longer needs to fight. But, what about individual members in general, and so Shino?

Well Shino is the Heir of this clan. This Noble Clan. This "ready to throw hands at any moment" clan. It's future is in his hands, so to speak. So I doubt Shino would completely sever his connection to Shinobi life all together. And so, teaching at the Academy would be a great way to keep that connection. Teachers have to know their stuff, after all.

But what if in order to ensure teaching was his calling, Shino did his absolute best to make Jounin ASAP so he could take on a Genin Team. And. And by chance, it ended up being these three?? And they are absolutely STOKED!!! And they also pass Shino's genin test, which... would probably be a feat in it's own right. But they already know Shino, and Shino has bestowed upon them some wisdom they actually took to heart! Yeah, well, in reality they might be just a tad too old to be Shino's first official genin squad, but they were still his squad one point in a sense, right?

Kon Nohara, Tano Ikemoto, and Aoki Kobayashi

I even gave them names help Imagine these three are already chuunin at least and decide they want to pay Shino a visit and even volunteer to help Shino during class time on a collective day off because they admire him so much (T~T)

But even then if not these three kiddos, maybe these three li'l shits lol

Even in times of Peace, Shino's special set of skills seem too useful to waste, and being a Jounin teacher would definitely have been a way he could still go on missions, but also definitely commit to becoming a Sensei at the academy once he was 100% sure and got older. Kurenai became a Jounin/Genin Squad Leader in her late twenties, but in comparison I see Shino doing that more mid-20s. (He needs some time to travel and find his big bug friend and generally live a little?)

Kurenai was a Genjutsu Specialist who manned a Tracker/Sensing based team. This sounds like it was a highly beneficial combination, even if she ended up being somewhat sadistic lol. Asuma was bound to Team 10 by Tradition as InoShikaCho and Sarutobi have that Pact together. Kakashi's team was literally Cherry Picked for him specifically by the 3rd Hokage. And Gai, a Taijutsu Specialist, had a team that Specialized in Taijutsu and Physical Offense.

Of all four teams, Kurenai and Gai were very suited to their teams, Gai in a complimentary way and Kurenai in a Challenging way. In that same vein, I think Shino would imitate Gai. Shino as a Shinobi himself has a general set of skills, but the way he goes about them are very niche. But, he was always very stealthy, and could sneak up on nearly anyone. Gags aside, he could go unnoticed as long as he wanted too, and by the time he was noticed or was ready to attack, he has you quite literally surrounded. Honestly I can see why Search and Destroy would be an Aburame's forte, but when there's no need, a person with a personal skill of high quality stealth could probably man a team with an emphasis on Reconnaissance and/or Surveillance, even Bodyguarding. I feel like Shino would probably put an emphasis on Stealth and Tracking too, utilizing his insects as sort of assistants that keep tabs on his students (Stealth Test) as well as to encourage just enough fear during too much down time in his students to inspire quality training opportunities, so maybe Kurenai rubbed off on Shino more than they all realized haha

(Plus I'm sure his students would be be smart and thoughtful enough to eventually understand what Shino and his bugs are: a complete unit. They realize just how strong and dedicated Sensei really is to be the way he is, and they all learn more in depth about Kikaichu and it's like WOW SENSEI YOU REALLY ARE RISKING BEING EATEN ALIVE EVERY SINGLE DAY, AREN'T YOU? But he's still here, because THAT'S how strong he's become over the years and the confidence to manipulate the Kikaichu while having to think of current chakra level, the most efficient use at any given time, how many he actually needs, how long usage will last, ect. They are high maintenance, man!)

Shino would no doubt produce highly skilled Bodyguards and Masters of Stealth. Maybe the type that would end up being in high demand for the eventual Celebrities that start to pop up as times change, but still very much needed when it comes to Criminal Activity, like in Sora-Ku?

But as time passes and he decided to teach at the Academy, he'd feel very at ease to do so. He'd be happy to be put in charge of all these children, because he would be able to help teach them things they need to know to defend themselves and others in a world where adults like Danzo had and will continue to exist. Maybe while he's at it, he'd use his stance as a Noble Clan Heir and accomplished Shinobi to push for changes in government with Sai's help and with Naruto and Shikamaru's cooperation? Like, the truth does come out, everyone on the Council were actually horrible and had too much power. So HERE are some ideas and REASONS why these ideas should be implemented because Shino's not going to let his brother's life and death be in vain!? HELL no, we WILL make some changes around here. Shino sees his students and just wants a future where no kid ever has to live in fear of being completely taken advantage of by the very system that was supposed to keep them safe and they pledged allegiance to.

I cannot help but think of the quiet but absolute fear little Shino was harboring for the years to come after Torune was taken by that strange man and Father Shibi didn't even attempt to stop him. His own father didn't dare beat the shit out of this strange man who came looking for him, and the only solution for Shino to stay was for Torune to make himself look more desirable as an asset and be taken instead. I bet there was a lot of misplaced resentment there for a while, and talks that just didn't happen. Maybe a classmate doesn't show up to class one day and Shino is IMMEDIATELY stressed out and just... takes it upon himself to look for them after class. And he's relieved when he see they're simply at home with a fever. Shit like that just fucks with Shino, because theres people taking kids and no one is doing anything about it?? And then as Shino grew older he realized exactly what happened and how slimy the machine of Konoha really is and it was never completely Shibi's fault that Torune had to leave. He grows mentally at a faster rate than most of his classmates, and knows more than a kid really needs to know.

Shino doesn't want that for any other child. Shino is the kind of person who hears kids screaming outside of his house and he can't tell if they're playing or being murdered and it's stressful to the point he'll check through his window and he sees them for himself. He get stressed out seeing a kid in public unattended and WANTS to approach them to help if need be but also maybe he's overthinking it and the parents are there somewhere and he'd just end up looking suspicious. Like, that's what I kind of figure for Shino. He's so hyperaware of the power dynamic between kids and adults and seeing a kid so ready to fall victim to that makes Shino feel ill the more he thinks of what could happen. And he wonders if watching the kid in the market until they finally reunite with their parent so he could move on with the rest of his day causes him even a fraction of the the utterly disgusting flurry of nerves and fear that Shibi must have felt all those years ago. It goes along with his desire to spare every single little insect's life he can. It goes a long with the fact he only gets violent unless absolutely necessary. Like he wants to be strong but he doesn't want to go mad with power either, less he becomes the very thing that hurt him and his family in the first place.

Originally Shino wanted to become strong to be able to defend himself because at a very young age adults failed him and Torune. But then that changes to defend not only himself, but others as he grows on a team, and realizes trust is important. And then he figured if there must be adults out there that would hurt a child, it's only logical that he should become one that would only nurture and teach one to be strong as well.

Anyway, yeah. Had some feelings. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[maggyoutthere]

I've been waiting to write this since August last year oh my fucking God. There's a new addition to the Starfields family, but not in the way one might assume

Kind of a long one but it's worth it TwT

As always, au done in collaboration with @keixamie .｡.:*✧

After being able to calm down his older brother, Nova decided to ask White what it was that he wanted to do with his life. The older brother admitted he'd grown tired of his tyrant life after meeting Nova. As White never bothered to know a life outside of his empire, he never longed for it. But now that he'd experienced it first hand, living an organic lifestyle alongside Nova, he longed for it.

Now as White took time to rest and calmly figure out a way to move in permanently to Nova's dimension, Nova made sure to be as caring and loving as his older brother had been to him. Not only would he make sure to stop by anytime he could, but also talk to White for a while, even if just to ask how the older brother was feeling. White would still not be comfortable with leaving his dimension right away, but would agree to drop the "flawless emperor" persona in exchange for being open and honest with his younger brother.

Weeks went by as the two brothers brainstormed ways to get White to safely leave his empire and move in with Nova. As the issue was the fact that White was connected to his empire at all times, he was responsible to keep it stable and prevent it from crumbling down. If White gave up the Chaos Energy that powered him and the empire, it would cease to exist. However, so would he.

The brothers devised a plan, however a risky one; White would cease his Chaos Energy back to the Chaos Emeralds and quickly return to Nova's dimension to get a new power source to keep him alive. It would be a race against time - quite fitting honestly - but both Nova and White agreed to go through with it. It would fall on Nova's hands to save his big brother as he ran out of his empire, falling apart. The pressure was on, but both planned and hoped for it to go well.

The day came. Nova was instructed to wait in his side of the portal with a temporary source of energy for White to use until they got him a permanent one. White would let go of his Chaos Energy and run back to Nova as fast as he could before he and his empire collapsed.

White was falling apart so fast, but he had his eyes locked on the portal. He was running to the portal as fast as he could, but his legs were already turning to mush and giving up; the ground beneath his feet falling apart as the huge drop from the top of the Tower to the floor miles below threatened to break beneath his feet. The portal was already shrinking as White lost the power to keep it open. White was getting slower and slower even though he was SO close to the portal, Nova just screaming for him not to give up.

White's able to reach out a hand to Nova because he knows he'll need someone to pull him through. Nova understands this and does the same, reaching out as far as he can to grab his brother in the portal that's already half the size it used to be.

The floor beneath White breaks.

Nova gets a hold of his hand to pull him back up-

but it slips.

Nova sees White fall down to the chaos and destruction bellow as he's forced to pull away from the closing portal, severing the connection between their dimensions.

Still in the middle of panicking, Nova scrambled to reopen the portal again, desperate to run back in there and rescue his brother as he'd promised to do. In a few minutes, he'd gotten the portal open again, but as he prepared himself for total chaos, he was shocked to see the remnants of the metal virus dissolving into nothing. There was a whole organic world under White's empire, just waiting to wake up again. Grass was still green, flowers still bloomed.

As Nova scavenged through the debris of the fallen empire, he came across what he first thought was White. A hand similar to White's was just barely poking out from under the debris. After fully pulling it out from under the broken walls, Nova realized he'd digged up a simple Metal Sonic, clueless to its surroundings. Fearing the worst, Nova brought the little guy back to his dimension to run some tests.

Nova showed the robot around, asking it if it knew familiar places and faces, things White would recognize immediately; always being answered with a head shake. After hours of trying to get a word out of Metal, Nova felt desperate enough to hook this tiny bot to a computer and search through its programming.

Nova feared his big brother hadn't perished, but returned back to his most simple form. If that was the case, then White himself would be gone from the programing.

Nova felt the weight of the situation falling on him. He'd promised to keep White safe, to help him fulfill his dream of living with Nova permanently. Instead, he'd ruined everything.

But he was determined to fix it, nomatter what it took.