#theres enough hate and misery in her heart to do it

[trahoalai]

never gonna experience the "gay kid finds safety and solace in their english class" bc all my teachers have been incredibly racist to me

[gatorbites-imagines]

Was wondering if I could maybe do a hobbie brown request?

I was thinking of something like M!reader being an alternate universe version of Miguel's child who, rather than dying himself, had to watch his dad die, basically becoming a smaller version of Miguel but with some key differences (ie like having difficulties with controlling his powers when he’s emotional or having authority issues) and Hobbie seems to take a liking towards him?

Hobie Brown x O’Hara male reader

Headcanons

Theres really not enough hobie gifs,,,,

I literally got a spidersona whose Miguel’s son lmaooo, not movie Miguel, but like, the Miguel from a different earth. So, the reader is based off of him in this :3c

You would have joined the spider society after an abnormality appeared in your world. Everyone had expected to meet another version of Miguel, since it was set in Nueva York. But instead, they got you.

You were younger, angrier, had less control of your powers, and had little to no respect for authority. And though it pained you deeply to see Miguel, he didn’t have a similar reaction, since he had a daughter and not a son.

Others started to avoid you since you had a tendency to snap at others and your powers made it even harder for you to get close to anyone. Like your dad, you kept to yourself and let yourself stew in your misery.

The first time you met Hobie was during on of your common arguments with Miguel. You two were way too alike, meaning you two butted heads, a lot. You each had your own way of doing things and didn’t like change. Maybe it was the O’Hara in your blood, but you never backed down.

It became a common sight to see the two of you hissing and snapping at each other, you because Miguel looked exactly like the dad who had abandoned you, and Miguel because you were like a reflection of himself and all the things he hated about himself.

After another one of your explosive arguments, you stomped out of Miguel’s “office”, but before you could get fat Hobie fall down from the ceiling and started walking beside you, giving you some compliment about how you never seemed to back down against authority.

In the beginning Hobie had annoyed you a lot, you had tried to chase him off like you had everyone else, but Hobie didn’t seem to act like everyone else.

He had a feeling that you chased off anyone who might like you because you feel you don’t deserve it, and after a long time of needling and prodding, you two became closer. At this time, you were both developing feelings, but you didn’t accept you liked someone, and Hobie felt no need to rush it.

As you became good friends, your image at hq became lighter, as having a friend seemingly was what you needed. Someone who’d talk you down when you fell back too much on your anger and spidery biology, and someone who’d listen when you needed to talk, and Hobie was a great listener.

Hobie ends up learning about your situation. You father was Miguel O’Hara, your earths version of him, and he was spiderman. He had you with your mother, and when you were young he left and never returned. Apparently, he believed that abandoning you would save you, or he felt he didn’t deserve a family.

When he left you had been old enough to know he abandoned you, and seeing spiderman on tv screens and on the internet only made you and your mother feel worse.

And then one day Spiderman died. Not long after that your mother got remarried and you started developing your powers. They had stayed dormant until you reached a certain age, and your mother and her husband had reacted horribly to this.

They turned horribly abusive, and you had to run away when you were a teen. One thing led to another, and Miguel’s brother Gabriel helped you onto your feet. He hadn’t known you existed until then.

Together he taught how to control your powers, he had helped you become spiderman, and then he died. He was your uncle ben you could say, but you held his words close to your heart to become a better spiderman, even though your powers became too much sometimes.

Talking about your issues ended up helping you a lot, and even though you do rage sometimes, its much less now, and you start to get closer to the other spiderpeople around your age.

At some point, when you and Hobie are hanging out in your dimension, sitting on a rooftop and eating something you got from a food truck, Hobie turns to you.

You both have your masks pushed up, or rather Hobie has his pushed up, and yours is a hologram and has just disappeared from the bottom of your face.

 Before you can react, Hobie has leaned over and kissed you. You don’t even get to return the kiss before he’s pulled away and returned to his food, acting as casual as ever. Its only when you shake him demanding an answer that he tells you that he likes you.

Thanks to all the growth you’ve done as a person you are able to admit that you like him too, and another kiss is shared between the two of you. And after that, you two became a thing.

Hobie was never one for labels, but hed accept the label of being your boyfriend. He happily told anyone who asked, almost bragging that he was able to get you to agree to date him, which always leads to you rolling your eyes at him but smiling, just a little.

Miguel almost has a heart attack when he learns you and Hobie are dating, because after all this time hes started to see you in a familial light, and you have started to see him in a similar way. He will never be your original dad, and you will never be his daughter, but that’s okay.

Hobie is very proud of you for making such great progress, so he takes you out on a date. He isn’t one for big expensive dates, so it would be something like swinging around his city together, or cuddling in his apartment as you watch a movie.

Maybe it wasn’t so bad to join the spider society as you thought it was.

[0alanasworld0]

Superstar

Request: hey girl can u please make a smut or a fan fic abt amir Richardson he is so fine and theres literally nothing abt him on the internet yet😭 tyy

Warnings: none

“She’s super nice, man! What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Super nice and way out of my league! Fucking look at her, dude!” Amir whisper-shouts as the group all take it in turns to take a glance at you in your friend group.

It was a tough pill to swallow but Amir had a point. At 13 he had expected to have finally started showing his dad’s genes: a growth spurt that he felt he very much needed. He was the son of a star basketball player yet one of the smallest in the grade and he hated it. The thing he hated most was the fact that he stood no chance with you. There was no way in hell you would even spare him a glance so he supposed he just had to wallow in his misery.

Basketball certainly wasn’t an option for him so he looked to other options. You once again worm your way into his mind and he remembers something. one of his few interactions with you. 

“Oh hey you left your phone!” He calls out as you’re about to walk away. It was the end of the day and the last thing you needed was to let your phone hang around overnight and lose it.

As he picks it up, he gets to glance at your lockscreen and he’s intrigued. Number 22: Ziyech. He didn’t take you for a football fam but he sure as hell welcomed it. Of course you were cool like that.

He doesn’t have much time to think it over before you turn around and he can feel his heart in his throat at the sight of you. He’s fighting the urge to run away from you because the way you made him feel just wasn’t normal. Oh god you were smiling at him. Think, Amir! Think!

“Thank you so much! I bet I wouldn’t have seen it again if it stayed overnight!” You joke. You couldn’t help but take some enjoyment in his nervous giggles. He really was such a sweetheart but you didn’t want to scare him off. He was shy enough as it was so you thought it would be best to leave him be. 

“Sooooo… Hakim Ziyech?” 

“He’s not Messi but he’ll always be my favourite ever!” You gush, forgetting that you had to get going and continuing to elaborate on your love for the Ajax star. He listened to every word with a smile because he loved seeing you so engrossed and passionate. 

Amir treasured that memory with everything he had. His first of very few interactions with you. He’d somehow managed to keep up with you to the extent where he was getting almost as excited about it as you were. With every question he could see your eyes brighten up, your smile grew wider and you got a little bit louder. 

And that was that. He would try his luck at football. He gathered from your conversations with him that height wasn’t an important factor at all for the attacking positions. Sometimes even the opposite was true. Even his friends were hyping him up for it: he was physically fit enough, quick, a good decision-maker. He may have needed a little work on the ball but he would get there.

He spent hours on the internet looking for tutorials on the simple stuff, getting his friends to help him out and his parents gladly got him everything he needed. His dad supposed that if basketball wasn’t the path, some other sport would have to do.

When he got his chance to try out, he was a little bit messy; made some mistakes but he thought he’d done okay overall. And indeed he did: a place on his school team. Sure, it was as a 3rd choice midfielder but he supposed it would have to do for now.

Although when he had told you about it, he may have omitted the 3rd choice part. On complete accident of course. So when the day of his first match does roll around, he’s a little nervous to say the least. 

It gets to the week before and you’re of course buzzing more than he is.

“This is so exciting! You’re going to become a superstar, I just know it!” you exclaimed, jumping up and down and he could only smile.

“I don’t know about that…” he scratches the back of his head, looking around awkwardly and you furrow your eyebrows.

“Come on! You never know who’s around the corner in these things. They have to get them from somewhere, no?”

“Yeah like Brazil and England maybe! Why would they even think of looking in the land of ‘soccer’ ?!”

“It’s a huge talent pool! You gotta have a little faith and even then, I have more than enough for the both of us!” you bounce up and down on your toes and all he can do is smile. He’s been in love with you for longer than he can remember and here you are at one of his matches, buzzing with excitement at the idea of supporting HIM. How had he managed this one?

Warming up wasn’t much of a priority for him today since he wasn't even expecting to be on the field. So he’d spent a good amount of time simply searching for you on the bleachers. When he finally finds you among the crowd, you’re too busy talking to your friends to notice so he’s happy to just keep his eyes on you. He’s nowhere near as chatty as he usually is and the lack of snarky comments thrown in their way has his friends confused so they all take a second to see where he’s looking and of course they spot you.

“Damn did you invite her?!”

“She would have probably come anyway” he defends but to no avail.

“Nah man, respectfully I don’t think this is the kind of soccer she’s into, you know?”

They all nod in agreement and all Amir can do is desperately avoid any eye contact. Yes, he had invited you here but he didn’t need to be fed delusions about what it meant. 

“Damn bro, I thought you said she was out of your league…” his friend nudges him while the rest snicker. All out of love and relief of course. They’d watch their friend fawn over you for too long so seeing things finally move forward was a huge deal to all of them.

They can’t help but tease him further, all frantically waving and yelling in your general direction while Amir scrambles to stop them. But alas it's already too late and you’re gazing down at the group, eyes specifically on Amir as you smile and wave. He wasn’t nervous before, not like he was playing anyway, but now… he felt like he had to do something. Make you proud. You had given him the idea to try football after all. You had all this faith in him.

He wasn’t feeling anything like this before. The bench was comfortable but he only grew more antsy as the minutes ticked on. Did he seriously invite you here to watch him twiddle his thumbs? Embarrassing. 

But with some perfect timing, he sees his coach beckon him over. His teammates push him off the bench when he takes a little too long to react and against all odds, he’s going on. His 45 minutes to shine. His eyes blur as he runs into position and forgets to look up for you but you’re visibly ecstatic. Your own friends are teasing you for how fond you were over him.

He was nervous beyond anything he could express but he did everything he could to channel that into his game. It felt like a make-or-break in more ways than one, that was for sure. 

It was like a dream. It felt so easy, almost too easy. It was as if… no. He was doing well. And he simply couldn’t believe it. The minutes flew by and he only got more and more confident. He couldn’t even bring himself to care when his teammates were wasting his chances. Because at the end of the day, they were still HIS chances. 5 of them on his debut + some solid dribbles and tackles wasn’t bad at all.

Sure, they had lost. And by a slightly embarrassing margin but all he really cared about was that HE had done well. He had to have impressed you and that was the only thing that was on his mind as he searched for you, finally being able to find you as you made your way over to him.

He could care less about his friends snickering and hollering as he made his own way over, marching towards you as quickly as he could without going into a full-on sprint. Although he was tempted.

He knew you were going to be proud of him but he certainly didn’t expect you to throw yourself at him for a hug. Nearly knocked him off his feet but he manages to recover quickly enough and wrap his arms around you lightly. 

“I knew you could do it, see! You were amazing out there!” oh god his heart was back to being in his throat so he has to choke out his next words.

“I mean it’s only my first game, could be a purple patch for all we know…” you detach yourself from the hug too soon for his liking.

“Absolutely not, you’re gonna go big soon I just know it!” 

He thinks back to your words quite regularly. You couldn’t have had any idea at the time just how right you were. You sounded so delusional back then, like you were just telling him what he wanted to hear. 

But years on, he’s finally reached that growth spurt that he had been praying for all the time ago and he has an agent negotiating with multiple clubs for him. And the best part of it all was that you were still by his side, seeing the fruits of your delusions coming alive. Not a hint of surprise on your end, you were always so sure of him.

Perhaps the only downside was that in spite of his newfound confidence, he was still stuck in that friendship stage with you. He had gained a lot more *attention* over the years but he still only had eyes for you. You still made him so fucking nervous but he had gotten better at composing himself. He had even gotten a little flirty, now being the one to make you all nervous and blushy. And he revelled in every second of it.

“I have something for you!” he reveals as he catches up with you in the corridor. He’s clutching his jersey in his hands.

“Isn’t that going to be a little big on me?” you tease, still taking it from his hands as he rolls his eyes.

“Oh please! You would look amazing in anything, especially one of my jerseys.” he says matter-of-factly and you can only blush.

“You should wear it to my match on Sunday!” you narrow your eyes to challenge him before he elaborates.

“Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaase! It’ll be all the moral support I need. All you have to do is sit pretty!” He tries to bargain but he knows that you would always be there to support him no matter what. He would drop everything to do the same for you as well. 

The interaction doesn’t happen too far away from his friends' lockers and they’re all eager to know whether he’s finally made a solid move.

“Just making sure she’s coming on Sunday! You can calm down!” Amir rolls his eyes, refusing to make eye contact with anyone as he pretends to go through his locker.

“Is that your jersey in her hand?” 

“Yeah I mean she is my best friend, totally normal stuff.”

“Well it would be if you still weren’t madly in love with her. Dude, it's been 4 years. She liked you when you were 5’3 for fucks sake. What makes you think she's switched up when you’re pushing to 6’2?!” 

“Yeah, she sees me as a friend! No need to complicate things!”

“Whatever, man.”

Even further on, more years later and somehow you’re still there supporting him. You had to do it from afar for a good while but the affection hadn’t died at all. You couldn’t be prouder of each other as you fulfilled your dreams. Time would bring you back together eventually, he was sure of that.

An excruciating couple of years apart but he was beyond grateful that he had you there, in person, to support him in the biggest moment in his career so far. Now all he had to do was win. Make the long flight and scheduling all worth your while. Something was also telling him that this would be his chance. He had been waiting for the right moment long enough and he just knew that winning today would be just the confidence boost he needed.

It seemed like a pretty easy task, they had flown through the tournament thus far like it was nothing. He was certainly on his best form and he had looked forward to an excited facetime call at the end of every victory. 

That didn’t feel as certain today though. Things were tough. Much tougher than previous matches and although the whole team were made aware of it before, it was still a shock to the system.

Even with every single white shirt turning into a defender trying to knock him down, trying to intimidate him, he only had one thing on his mind. He didn’t just want to win. He NEEDED to win. He’s been dreaming of the perfect moment for years. He brought you all the way over to Rabat to watch him just like old times. It was so close, he could taste it. 

All they needed was an equaliser. And when the equaliser finally came they needed one more goal to hit it home. Egypt’s best off the pitch, down to 10 men. They HAD to win it now. 

You were just as nervous as he was; heart in your throat, shaky hands. It was a moment you had seen him work his ass off for and you wanted nothing but success for him. An international trophy at 21 felt like the perfect climax to his career thus far. 

Although he had a very clear mind as to where he wanted to stand with you, you had resigned to the friendship role a long time ago. There was a point in time at which you really thought he liked you. Everyone did at the time but with all the girls after him and a lack of movement on his end, you supposed that you were maybe imagining things. Or even worse, that feelings had faded on his end. You didn’t like to consider that possibility at all, it made you sick to your stomach.

He still meant the world to you so of course you couldn’t let him go like that but you always looked back with disappointment. You told yourself that you were more than happy to be his friend, and that the feelings would eventually fade. Yet no other guy made you feel the way he did. No one ever compared to him. You cursed him for the way he raised your standards so high as a mere friend, for the way he always lingered in your mind as the one who got away. 

None of that mattered in the moment because the way the stadium erupted upon the much awaited 2nd goal to put Morocco in the lead. You could feel your eyes well up with tears. Only 15 minutes on the clock and your Amir would be crowned a champion. You always knew. Even if he didn’t, even when it felt so far-fetched and fictional you always knew. Your Amir, your superstar. 

The 15 minutes feel like 15 years and your heart doesn’t slow down in that time until you finally hear that whistle. The noise of the stadium has you almost dizzy and the welled up tears start cascading down your face as reality kicks in. Champions of Africa.

You don’t even have time to think before you start sprinting down the steps and towards the pitch, pass in hand so you could get in as quickly as possible. Amir is already looking around for you so he catches sight of you quickly and begins his sprint towards you too.

The collision is heavy but thankfully he’s strong enough and manages to catch you in his arms mid-jump. You bury your face in his neck as he spins you around. Your head is spinning when he puts you down so you’re grateful for the way he brings you in for another hug, feet on the ground this time. You can only breathe out in relief as you gently squeeze your arms around him and run your hands over the expanse of his back. He reciprocates with a squeeze of your waist and a small kiss to the top of your head.

“I guess you were right.” he laughs. You look up at him, a silent request to elaborate.

“About the whole ‘superstar’ thing, remember? I mean you’re the smartest person I know but telling the future?! You’re something else!” 

You go to respond until you’re interrupted.

“Oh so here’s the happy couple!” none other than the captain chimes in, throwing an arm over Amir as you break the hug.

“You know, Amir has told us all about you!” he tells you loudly and Amir’s eyes widen. You can only smile and blush a little at his implication. Abde only ever joked but the idea of you meaning something more to Amir put butterflies in your tummy.

“I’ve mentioned you a couple times.” he attempts to clarify, shaking his head dismissively.

“HA! That’s such a lie and you know it! He doesn’t shut up, he’s basically obsessed with you I swear-” Amir manages to get a hand over his mouth before he can reveal any more incriminating information.

He manages to drag Abde away and gets a chance to give you a quick hug and a kiss to your forehead as a goodbye before leaving to go with him, reminding you of where to go once the trophy ceremony was over. He puts a thumbs up as you yell a reminder to him to get a photo with the trophy. The locker room celebrations awaited him and they always took a good while. He knew you hadn’t eaten much so he hoped you could grab a little bite to eat while you were there.

Once you’re out of earshot and walking away, he takes his chance to scold his friend.

“Seriously, dude?!” 

“What?! I thought I could speed things up, you can’t let this shit drag on forever, you’re only gonna start resenting each other and grow old and miserable. This is boring as fuck, just man up and tell her because it’s so obvious that you’re made for eachother it’s funny!” Abde shakes his head, walking off and jumpscaring another fellow teammate. Stupid antics aside, the captain had some wise words about him, Amir had to admit. His doubts still lingered and he still felt a desire to preserve the friendship he had built with you, keep it safe from anything and everything that could jeopardise it.

You were proud beyond words. The tears came quickly as you watched him receive his gold medal. You had seen him every step of the way. And even though you didn’t know it, you were the reason he picked the damn sport in the first place. His true passion and calling. Amidst the pride and joy, you still felt a pang in your heart. Years of supporting each other and the idea of your love being limited to a friendship hurt. You caught the way he used to look at you quite often. You, yourself, genuinely believed that he liked you yet years on and one giant growth spurt later, you wondered whether maybe he had lost interest along the way; with his newfound confidence and much larger dating pool. Some of those girls were true stunners and you made it a point to never stare as he conversed with them. It would only break your heart. The real shame was that if you had looked, you would see him reject them as kindly as he could. You would see them walk away slightly peeved and you would see him looking right back at you. Because even with everything that had happened, it still was and would always be you. But your attempts at hiding away and protecting yourself prevented you from seeing the obvious. 

Your back is to him when he comes to find you. The locker room celebrations finally over. He tried his best to not show his impatience in the locker room but they all knew. So he was not-so-forcefully kicked out so he could go to the one person he actually wanted to be around. 

He’s glad to see you eating and looking lively as you talked with some of the other family members that were there. He takes a moment to get a proper look at you while you still hadn’t noticed him. You were only wearing one of his jerseys and some baggy jeans but you still looked angelic to him. He knew you were tired beyond belief, your head probably pounding from the noise of the stadium but you still found it within yourself to smile with your eyes and light up the room like he’d always known you to do. Exhausted but still made those around you smile and chuckle. Your energy and beauty was apparent no matter what and he couldn’t get enough of you. His perception of you hadn’t changed since he was a kid, in fact they had probably only intensified. Even when he had girls fawning over him, his own friends telling him that he was now within your league he still felt so unworthy. Every glance in his direction, every smile, every word spoken, text sent felt like a Godsend. Come to think of it, he never really let himself think like this before, he pushed it away for the sake of preserving the friendship. So he could keep you in the only way he felt he deserved. 

At that very moment, the idea of staying only as your friend sounded like a version of hell. He needed more. All of a sudden, the urge to confront his feelings for you head on had grown stronger. He LOVED you. He wasn’t sure how he had managed to push the reality away for so long but it was so clear now. And you needed to know. 

He makes his way over, slightly speed-walking because he feared he would lose his nerve if he waited even a minute longer. It takes a little tap on your shoulder for you to finally notice him and the people you were talking to take it as their sign to walk away as you turn around. You immediately wrap your arms around him in a tight hug with your head on his chest. He hoped to god you couldn’t feel the way it was hammering away. You could tell when he was nervous without that but he hoped that somehow you hadn’t picked up on it this once. He reciprocates with the same love and enthusiasm, lifting you up slightly as you squeal. You don’t seem to be letting go of the hug any time soon so he opts to whisper in your ear.

“Can we talk somewhere quieter?” you reluctantly remove your head from his chest as you look up at him, slight concern in your eyes.

“Everything okay?” he nods vigorously, unravelling himself from your arms, holding your hand gently as he guides you away to a quiet balcony. 

It felt like destiny here. The cool, crisp air. Clear night sky, stars twinkling and the moon radiant as ever. It was a beautiful scene but you were still the one he couldn’t keep his eyes off of. He takes a second to get one more proper look at you before he begins.

He takes both of your hands in his and you now feel your heart starting to beat faster. You look down at where their intertwined as a way of avoiding those bambi eyes of his. The way yours looked so much smaller in his. The warmth soothing your cold fingertips and the nails that you had manicured the night before, much to his dismay.

“You’ve been there since I could barely kick a ball, you know?” he squeezes your hands gently, a small smile on his face as he recalls your first encounter. You finally look up at him, giving him a small cute one in return.

“You told me I was going to make it big even then, how did you know?”

“Entuition and delusion, love.” you joke and he chuckles a little, dropping his head down to calm himself before finally getting his confession out.

“It feels kind of like a soulmate thing, you know?” 

“Well yeah we’re best friends for life, aren’t we?”

“Sure but I was thinking of a different kind of soulmate…”

“I don’t follow…”

“I love you, in a soulmate way. You’ve been the light of my life since all the way back then and that hasn’t changed now. It just feels like we’re not just supposed to be best friends, you know?”

“Amir please…”

“I’m in love with you. Like pathetically and hopelessly in love. I don’t think I can do ‘just best friends’ anymore because I’ve always seen you beyond that…” he physically couldn’t get anymore words out so he hoped that would do and he could feel his heart ready to burst from his chest as he waited for your response.

The silence was loud, all-encompassing, almost suffocating and it felt like time had stopped as you tried to figure out what to say. He could see the cogs turning in your mind yet he had no idea what kind of reply awaited him. 

He’s perhaps a little too far in his own head because all of a sudden he feels one of your hands leave his and make its way to the back of his head. He was still trying to process things so his vision was all a blur. The next thing he feels is the greatest surprise. A soft pair of lips on his, like flower petals. Delicate and smooth and so so sweet and addicting. He freezes for a second, asking himself whether this was reality or not. It felt like one of his dreams, his mind was floating as the joy overtook him.

The hand still intertwined with yours lets go and find purchase on your waist, giving a light squeeze as he returns the kiss. It was so soft and gentle that it almost felt as if you weren’t there. Feathlight, perhaps still a little uncertain so he leans forward to deepen it. It was definitely real. He was still floating but it was real. And he couldn’t be more excited.

You take your time with the kiss, doing everything you could to make the moment last and you only part for breath, faces still only a few centimetres away.

“I love you too…” you whisper, still slightly breathless and panting from the previous events. You can only look into his eyes for a second before getting shy and hiding your head under his chin again. 

“Your heart is going at like 80 a minute you know? You should get it checked out.” you joke and he gently pinches your side.

“Can you blame me?” You both laugh together, content in each other's arms, staring out at the Rabat skyline and admiring the twinkling stars.

The moment is interrupted by an audience that Amir maybe should have expected. Of course his teammates arrive to finally witness it.

“It took you lovebirds long enough goddamn! Thought we would be stuck listening to him droning on for years to come, fucking idiot.” Abde shakes his head while the others cackle. You can only blush while Amir gives them as stern a look as he could manage. 

They finally leave after a couple more minutes of them berating him for waiting this long and your small breathy laughs turn into full-on giggles as you learn the true extent of his love. Looking back, you had both been a bit stupid. So scared of nothing when things were so blatantly obvious. But better late than never, you supposed. You finally had each other. You didn’t have time to think about the wasted years as you looked forward to what was ahead. Mutual feelings out in the open: shared passions and desire, a level of love and respect that spanned 8 beautiful years, excitement for the future. As if Amir’s night couldn’t get any better he finally had the prize he had been wanting from the very beginning. His CAN trophy and medal were great but he finally had you. Not just a best friend but a lover. 

You stay in your places for a while, continuing to admire the sky before turning to look at each other again. You narrow your eyes at the cheeky smile that makes its way onto his face.

“What are you looking at?” he doesn’t say a word, taking your breath away with yet another, slightly more desperate kiss which you’re quick to reciprocate. You both smile into it as you soak in the relief of the moment. Years of pining and he was finally yours, your superstar.

Again, very long overdue lmfao. I know the Amir hype has died down significantly since the U23 CAN but i still adore him so i hope u guys like this too <3

[mainveyn]

《 nebulous love 》suna rintarou x reader

wc : 1.6k

genre : absolute angst 💔

a/n : theres a lil scenario where u have to hide in the locker ik its abit weird but just assume that the locker is big enough for u to hide in there lolol   

series : silent love ▪︎ unspoken love ▪︎ nebulous love ▪︎ ardent love

you wanted to walk up to him, hold his hand and congratulate him in person. you swear you really do. but you couldn't, not when a swamp of girls are surrounding him. he has a huge smile on him, unlike his usual deadpan expression. after all, this is a crucial match for his team and their victory is a big step for their upcoming spring high tournament. even he can break a smile that bright because of that. you told yourself it wasn't because of that girl who passed him a water bottle and snuggled at his arm like it's her spot to take. 

"wait," you mumbled out unconsciously, because you found yourself ridiculous at being upset. who am i to be upset by that, you thought as you fiddled at the hem of your jacket with your eyes casted at the floor beneath. you decided you probably won't get to talk to him now. not after seeing him playfully pinched her cheek with so much affection. you walked out of the gym without a second thought, ignoring the fact that you met his eyes briefly and he tried to wave at you. you turn away like you didn't see him and suna didn't like that.

strolling through the hallways, you wondered if it's even necessary for you to be there when he has her. she looks a little too young for his taste, probably still a middle schooler but it's really none of your concern. all you know is the moment she is here, the world you shared with suna has broken apart. you expected that and you swear you tried your best to move on. you didn't think it was his fault that you caught feelings for him from the start, which is why you can never push him away. staying by his side while the pain eats you away becomes a routine now.

a soft tune rings through your pocket, a special ringtone you set for him. you received a text from suna about him telling you to wait at his clubroom, much to your confusion. even so, your feets take you to where he wants you to be without hesitation. 

no one seems to be there as you step foot into the clubroom, noting how clean and tidy the place is right now. you assume everyone has left as you find yourself sitting on the bench in the clubroom, texting him back that you're already here. your reflection on the little mirror at the corner almost made you laugh at your pathetic self. just how easy it is for you to crawl back to him, your heart winces at your own bitter remarks and feel your breath stuck at your throat.

all thoughts are wiped out as you heard the door open, his eyes slightly brightened up at the sight of you. you mentally scold yourself for reading too much into it, but what he did next only throws you into another labyrinth of confusion. "so, what do you want me to come here for?" you enquired but he wordlessly linked his arms around you in a tight embrace. you feel his hot breath inches away from your cheeks before he snuggles into your hair to bask in your scents.

he pulled away a few seconds later as he cocked his eyebrows at you. "you didn't like the crowd so i thought it's better to talk here," his warm smile made all your words tied in your throat as you found yourself shaking under the pressure of your heartache. he only thinks of you as a friend, nothing more than what you felt for him. and yet his affections made you fall deeper into despair.

feets glued on the same spot, you couldn’t move a muscle and watch his smile slowly turn into a playful smirk. he mistaken your silence as being embarrassed and comments on how cute you are. he continued to tell you how happy he is for today’s matches, describing his blocks today are a total shutdown against their opponent with a slightly excited tone. his unusual enthusiasm instantly brought a smile upon you, genuinely felt happy for him as you resonated with him as a volleyball player as well.

but the rest of the conversation are drowned out of your mind as every second passes only makes it harder for your heart to continue beating. you instinctively have your right hand clutch onto your other arm out of anxiousness and he immediately spotted it. after all, he had spent so much time with you to know you like the palm of his hand. emerald eyes briefly scanned your feature until he completely stopped talking. he cupped his warm hands on your cheeks, inching closer to you as your back fully leaned against the lockers behind you now.

“you okay?” suna whispered in that tone again, a voice filled with so much love that you thought only you’re special enough to hear it. you shake your head with tears threatening to fall, attempting to shake his hands off of you too. as you tried to come up with an excuse for you to leave, he held your face on his palms again with a stern expression. 

“y/n, you know you can always talk to me.” no, you didn’t want to deal with him now. not when you are not given enough time to prepare yourself and put up another fake smile to reassure him. he already has someone he loves. this isn't right. you knew that so you need to calm yourself down before reassuring him ―mostly yourself that you’re fine and content at just being his friend.

but no gods are here to hear your prayers today, you’re not given any chance to relieve the pain growing in your chest. not even a second after he released his hold on you, suna pulled you back abruptly by the back of your neck and pressed his lips against yours. your eyes widened and balled your fist on his jersey at the sudden contact. a mixture of hurt and joy flowing through you, but you wished all of these were just a dream. 

his fingertips brushed past your face as he gently tilted your head to the other side to mold his lips with yours better. you should stop him but the way he touches and holds you is the only thing you want to savour right now. you don’t even want to think why is he doing this to you. everything feels perfect now, except for the growing ache in your heart because you knew this isn’t right. as selfish as it sounds, you want him to be yours and yours only. because he already owns your heart, without asking. it isn’t fair at all. 

he released his grip on you but still lingered on your shoulder, waiting for your reaction. you tried to avoid his eyes, hair covering the side of your face as you moved further away from him. you heard him calling for you but what’s more terrifying right now is the loud bickering of the miya twins and their rushed footsteps echoed through the hallways.

you quickly shoot him a panicked look, and he only returns the same expression. just as atsumu violently twisted the door open, suna hastily opened up his locker and ushered you to hide in there. neither of you are in the right mind nor given sufficient time to think it through, so you comply without questioning. you scrambled into that dark little space, putting yourself into another void of misery. 

“yer so annoyinー oi sunarin! why are yer still here?” atsumu rounded the corner, surprised that the brunette hadn't left the school like he usually would. suna shot him an annoyed look before telling the twins to leave him alone, pretending he was just chilling and scrolling through his phone all this while. osamu interjected, reminding him to get changed before kita found out and lectured him about it.

suna tried to act as normal as he could while keeping an eye on his locker, not wanting to drag this any longer. he didn’t show it but he want nothing more than to beat himself up now, grimaced at himself internally for making you suffer.

but you wouldn’t have known, not when you shrinked into the corner as you clung onto your knees like your life depended on it. tears pricking at the corner, you refused to let them fall as you hid your face on top of your knees. what am i even doing here? why do i even have to hide? those unanswered thoughts occupied your mind that you didn’t even notice the twins had left and suna had opened his lockers. the lights from outside slowly seeped through, exposing your vulnerable self right in front of him.

“y/n?” he finds his voice come out strained as he catches sight of your shoulder trembling. he tries to move closer to you but all it takes is a suppressed sob slipped out of you for him to back off.

not bothering to wipe off your uncontrollable tears, you attempt to stand up at your own effort. suna offers his hand only for you to reject it silently. his hand remained there, hoping that you'll take it like how you usually would as he watched you struggling to get on your feets.

“y/n,” he called out again, he will try as many times as it takes. as long as you’d just spare him a glance, he swore he won’t make you cry ever again. for the first time, he hates how he got too comfortable in his usual wordless interactions with you. because he has so much to tell you and you wouldn’t have known.

probably never as you began to run out of the clubroom, walking out of his life as well.

reblogs are very much appreciated <3

[messrmoonyy]

really, really random but do you think you could write a shot of half blood prince tonks on christmas alone and she puts on the record player and dances to christmas music? (i know this is very specific ahaha)

I lovveeed this request so much! Thank you for sending it. I did write the whole thing and then re read the prompt and see if kinda strayed away from the prompt slightly, you asked for record player, so she does actually use a cassette player but I still hope you enjoy it!

As always request are open! Drop me an ask!

Check my Masterlist too!

Pairing: Remus lupin x Nymphadora Tonks ( only mentions of Remus. He does not appear )

Warnings: none. Just a very mopey Nymphadora

Tonks had never been one to take love all that seriously. In fact she’d thrown the word around almost carelessly, never really taking to its true weight and meaning. Falling in love with more people that she could count now. A ravenclaw girl in third year, a slytherin one in fourth, two different hufflepuff boys in Fifth and countless other short lived romances since. But when she looked back now she realised they weren’t really love at all. Because they hadn’t felt like she did now. When she thought of him. Remus.

It caused an ache in her chest, so deep it physically pained her. She knew that nothing else could hurt her as badly as this, only love. She hadn’t even meant to fall for him, she hadn’t planned to. He was wildly interesting and not to bad on the eye either, but she hadn’t being trying. It had just… happened. Friendly conversation became friendly touches. Friendly touches became late nights snuggled in the library by the fire. Which had become hand holding. Which had become kisses. And now… it had become heartbreak.

The argument they had had before he’d announced his departure had been a brutal one. She guessed it didn’t help that emotions were already running far too high with everything happening around them. She’d shouted. He’d shouted right back. He’d told her nothing she would say would ever change his mind and he was leaving. It was duty. His role in the war effort. To put his life as at risk as ever and plant himself in a werewolf camp for months on end. It’d ruin him, she knew it would. He’d told her about it from the first war, how much he hated it. How much it made him feel like an animal. Feral. Inhuman.

But she’d told him to go. Shouted at him and told him to get out of her sight, to go if that’s what he truly wanted. To never come back to her again.

She regretted that now. Of course she did. She wanted nothing more than to leave her parents house and turn up at Grimmauld place, drink tea and hot chocolate with him in the library, dance around to Sirius’ old records and talk about everything and nothing until the sun came up. But of course she couldn’t. Because he was gone.

To make everything truly worse, as another blinding hot blade to her chest, she couldn’t even turn to Sirius about it. Because he was gone too. And he really was never coming back. The loss of Sirius and her still healing injury from Bellatrix had knocked her down already, Remus leaving had just been the final kick. And it had all taken its toll.

She couldnt morph. Not a single fingernail would change the way she wanted. Thankfully for her she’d never really been one for tweaking her face dramatically , like she knew some with her powers did. But she felt lost without her bright hair, the tiny little tweaks to her nose and cheeks. She didn’t recognise herself anymore. She didn’t understand the face of the woman that looked back at her in the mirror, all limp dark hair and hollow cheeks. She wanted to blame him. Wanted to use it as some way to make her hate him. Forget him. So at least she couldn’t be relieved of at least one burden of pain, leave her with one less knife in her heart. But she couldn’t. No matter how hard she tried to.

“ You gonna come down love? Your mums made you some dinner. Even got some apple crumble for pud. Yeah? Try eat a bit for us? “ her dad appeared at her old bedrooms door, knocking slightly as he spoke. It had felt odd being back at her parents house again for Christmas, she’d hadn’t visited in longer than she wanted to admit. Work ask the order had been running her to exhaustion everyday. She’d hoped being back home would bring her some comfort. Being around her childhood things. But it hadn’t really been working so far.

Her mum kept silently crying to herself over Sirius, every now and then she’d look over at her and see tears streaming over her cheeks as she cleaned or cooked. Misery just seemed to follow her whether she went now.

“ Dora love? “ she turned around when he’d dad spoke again and forced a small smile onto her face.

“ yeah. Be down in a minute… save me a piece of crumble “ Ted gave her a sympathetic smile and quietly left her. One thing she loved about her dad was he knew when she didn’t want to talk, and left her alone when she needed it. Andromeda was one to fuss.

She took a deep breath and made her way out of the room and downstairs, knowing Andromeda would only send Ted back up if she didn’t surface within a few minutes. They were both sat at the table when she walked into the dining room, her father looking up with a cheerful smile.

“ here she is! C’mon petal before it gets cold “ Andromeda’s eyes were bloodshot as was the norm nowadays, she’d tried she her best to hide the fact she’d been crying. But there were still tracks in the makeup on her cheeks.

The entire house had been decorated for Christmas and she thought the fairy lights and the tinsel should be cheering her up. But she found it wasn’t. Even her dads cheesy Christmas jumpers weren’t making her crack her smile.

Dinner was painfully silent for the most part. Ted occasionally tried to get both women to talk about something but conversation constantly fell flat. She looked at her parents as he silently tried to coax Andromeda to talk, holding her hand under the table and looking at her with the same amount of pure love he always had done.

Tonks had always wanted a relationship like theres. And she thought she’d been getting there. Remus had looked at her like that. Gazing at her when he thought she wasnt paying attention to him. Sharing his mug of tea with her at order meetings, waiting up for her if she had a late shift at the ministry, making sure she had something to eat before she slept. Little things. Small ways he told her he felt the same as she did.

Until he’d thrown it all back in her face.

When Andromeda cleared their plates and went to fetch dessert, Ted too disappeared of a moment only to return with his hand behind his back and a grin.

“ look what I found today love. Remember this aye? “ he held his hand out with a proud look on his face. It was a cassette. One he’d made up for her himself when she was little. She’d always been fascinated with muggle things and she still had the cassette player buried up in her room somewhere “ your Christmas one! Fitting “ she took with the first genuine smile she’d mustered in a while.

“ thanks dad. It’s Brilliant honestly “ he sat back down again when crumble was served but his proud smile didn’t drop.

After dinner she made her way back up to her room with a muttered excuse of being tired and locked herself in. The cassette tucked into the pocket of her jeans. She rummaged around the various boxes of junk in her room until she found the player and pulled out the tape. She smiled slightly when she found the tape wonkily labeled ‘ Doras muggle Xmas songs ‘ , putting it into the player and waiting for it to play.

The first beats of ‘last Christmas’ started playing and she practically felt her hurt slipping away from her shoulders. She turned the volume up, the headphones now blasting the voice of George Michael into her ears and she forgot about her troubles for a while.

She danced around with the first full genuine smile she had in weeks on her face, every song that played transporting her back to some memory from her childhood. Even the slower ones had her smiling, waltzing with herself around her room. until the tape came to an end with silent night. She stopped dancing and the smile dropped as the almost hauntingly beautiful song played. She’d danced with Remus to the very song on that first Christmas of her being in the order.

She’d turned up at Grimmauld place on Boxing Day, on Sirius’ invitation that the three of them could have their own Christmas celebration but Sirius had still been black out drunk from the clearly heavy night before. So she’d spent the majority of the day with Remus, hiding away from the kids. Drinking, dancing and even singing when Sirius had joined them later to get drunk again.

Her moment of happiness had faded to pure nothingness and she pulled off the headphones, tossing the cassette player onto her bed. If she focussed hard enough she could hear Sirius laughing still, picture Remus’ face as he tried to look unimpressed by one of Sirius’ filthy jokes- and failing miserably. Or feel Remus’ arm around her shoulders, his lips on her temple. The purely joyful atmosphere where just the three of them could be happy, Remus not worrying about people thoughts on him showing affection to her because Sirius didn’t care.

She found her feet moving then at their own accord, out of her room and creeping past her parents bedroom, down the stairs and out the door. She jogged down the garden path and past the wards protecting the house, apparating the second she was out.

She turned up on the top step of number 12. She really shouldn’t be there. She knew she should just go back to her parents. It wasn’t safe. But her hands reacted on their own and she opened the door. It was quiet inside. The quietest she’d ever heard it. Now Sirius laughing- or snoring. No kids charging around and pestering Kreacher. No mad-eye stomping along the hall.

Her feet led her into the library and she felt tears brewing in her eyes. She wanted to see Sirius blacked out on the sofa, Remus sat writing up a report at the desk, a fire crackling away. But neither were there. And the fireplace only held charred wood. The ache in her chest made her breathless, the deep burning pain of missing a dead man and one that might as well be.

She’d never felt so alone. Never had such a overwhelming feeling of loneliness that it made she’d weak in the knees. She could picture Remus at the desk, the way his brow furrowed when he concentrated, or how his cheeks flushed when she’d sneak up behind him and wrap her arms around his neck. The countless nights they’d fallen asleep on the sofa, danced, kissed, laughed.

But now it was just an empty room. In an empty house. No laughter. No dancing. No Remus.

She wanted to be back in that library when it was full of life. When Sirius was alive. And Remus was by her side. But it was never to be again.

Sirius was dead. And Remus was gone. And she wasn’t sure he’d ever come back.

[a-slut-for-smut]

what are your top 10 relationships in aot?

Hmm very interesting question anon- thanks for asking! Idk if i can really rank them since i only have the one OTP, but i can certainly give my 2 cents on the most popular pairings, according to the interwebs.

2 things to keep in mind:

i dont hate/dislike any pairing. I dont care enough to waste energy doing so. I like what i like, other people like what they like- simple as that, i cant understand why its so hard for ppl to grasp this concept

You may be wondering about my recent tag usage because ive been tagging a lot of diff ships- mainly for my anti-SNK139 shitposts. Just had a wild idea that maybe- JUST MAYBE, we could all put aside our differences and just have a laugh at our shared misery. Because idk how any of us are supposed to be happy with this ending. I mean, upon reflection I see what Isayama was going for, but idk its just tough to swallow unlike Levi's fun juice. Which, in my opinion, should be taken as a compliment- the man set the bar so high with the previous arcs that our expectations were thru the roof despite a rushed final arc, and he just...missed the dunk? Anyway hot take, i know.

Ok i digress- to the ask, in no particular order:

Levihan

Cute ship, very fluffy. Who doesn't like best friends to lovers trope? And theres no denying they have mutual respect for each other, which is a huge kink of mine. Honestly, its hard for me to ship a pairing if it isn't evident. That said, does this pairing get my ovaries going? Eh, not particularly but i still likies

Erehisu

I was behind this ship mainly because i was sold on Eren's "Walter White" villain arc. What better catalyst for a dramatic change in character than if their child was involved? The idea that Eren went full Hitler because he got Historia preggers and wanted the child to grow up in a "free" world? What parent wouldnt sell their soul for that goal, given the world they live in? And Historia- grappling with the knowledge/morality of Eren's plan but for the sake of the child? Prime for character development. Not to mention all the blatant crumbs. But Isayama went NOPE.

Eremika

Oh boy. So, firstly, i would have readily accepted this ship if Isayama laid off the one-sidedness a bit. But he didnt. And while im sure there are instances that can be interpreted as mutual affection, i dont see how that excuses all the times Eren snapped at her/just generally annoyed with her attentions. Like, we dont know his POV at all until the very end which retroactively you can say, oh he didnt want to cause her future pain? But by then its too late for US. And in the end (im not clear on this tho/too lazy to check) was it ever made clear to Mikasa that he reciprocated her feelings? Im prob biased/self-projecting here, but I would NOT have stuck around on the off-chance that the dude is faking his disinterest?? Even if he did save my life and is my childhood friend! You dont owe someone love because of that, but because of how you mutually treat one another. Anyway i woulda taken the fucking hint and moved onto Levi's dick, i would never put up with that nonsense

Eruri

These 2 are bonded, to say the least. They hold each other in high regard and i love that about any ship. Good stuff.

Ereri

Doesn't do much in the ovary-dept for me relationship-wise, but man, this ship is popular for a reason. The fanart for this ship is TOP TIER 

Yumihisu

Again, they regarded each other highly and theres no denying they deeply cared for one another. Sometimes love doesnt give a shit what genitals you happen to have, why cant ppl understand this? We all got hearts and souls, that counts for something??

Aruani

The energy for this ship is a little tepid for me. Maybe because her ass was stuck in a crystal 70% of the story, but i liked pre-crystal annie alot. If anything, i preferred her dynamic with Eren more, mainly because Eren respected her so much and she contributed a lot to his character growth in the first arc. Just my preferred dynamic for a ship. Also she kicked his ass so much i was beginning to think he was into it

Jeankasa

Dont mind it at all. I think it lacks a certain degree of intensity that i prefer in my ships, but theres def mutual respect there and im all for it.

Jeanpiku

Thought this was a cute ship that came to bloom in the later chapters. its intriguing dynamic- falling in love with the (former) enemy kind of way.

Rivamika

Uh. Where to start. Actually i wont because this post is long enough as is. Just peruse my blog if you're actually curious ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[ambivalentmarvel]

so the story behind this is that @sreppub​ arrived in my dms saying “sitcom starring two uppity, former rich guys and a regular poor college kid who follow up an online ad and become roommates” and i said something along the lines of “your MIND” and here we are. she does the art, i do the fic, and we both yell a lot along the way. read it on here or ao3 and enjoy!!

The Sitcom Supreme

If Peter or Stephen were around to hear Tony tell the story of how they all ended up rooming together, they would have plenty of objections, to which he would call them both dirty liars, to which they would gang up on him because they’re terrible and like that, to which he would probably throw up his hands in exasperation and/or make the mistake of engaging them in a debate, to which they would grin like wolves because, once again, they’re terrible and like that, but Tony’s the asshole who put up the Craigslist ad, so he gets to start—because he’s terrible and like that.

It’s a common trait amongst the three of them, what can he say?

The beginning of the story does not involve either of the other two, however. It begins with Rhodey, who is only occasionally terrible and like that. Rhodey has been Tony’s best friend since the tender age of fifteen. Considering Tony at age fifteen was a greasy little douche bag with too much money and a whole bunch of daddy issues that were somehow more obvious then than they are in the present, this is an impressive feat. 

Where things start, Rhodey and Tony are roommates at MIT, which is Howard’s school of choice to shove his problem child onto. Tony is supposed to get a single dorm room, but there’s a cockroach problem in that building. Administration has to get creative, which is how Rhodey, fresh out of boot for the fall semester, gets saddled with approximately one hundred and fifty pounds of neglected teenage boy who has only kind of gone through puberty.

The first words out of Tony’s mouth are blunt: “Any chance you have plans to drop out?”

And Rhodey looks at him with a raised brow, efficiently unpacked and totally unimpressed with the enormous stack of Tony’s things wavering in the doorway. “You have any plans to quit being annoying?” he retorts, which set the tone for their entire relationship.

Tony loves him to pieces. 

He’s the older brother he never knew he needed, yanking him by his collar from frat parties on the weekends and to his house for holidays because getting swamped by Rhodey’s six younger siblings is infinitely better than having to wear a suit and tie for Christmas dinner with six CEOs and maybe some senators, depending on the year. In return, Tony sees him through every finals week of his collegiate career, during which Rhodey gets so nervous he usually pukes at least daily and pulls so many all-nighters Tony memorizes the exact shade of red his eyes are at the end.

So, it’s safe to say they get along well. They get along so well, as a matter of fact, that when they stare at each other after their graduation ceremony for their Masters—a two-year process for both of them, and Rhodey receives two degrees to Tony’s four—surrounded by Rhodey’s family and Jarvis, Tony’s lips curl in a smirk Rhodey knows spells the best kind of trouble. “What do you say we keep the roommate streak alive, yeah? Howard’s building an office in New York, and I’m thinking of doing a doctorate at NYU.”

Rhodey’s brows raise, but he’s grinning, so Tony already knows his answer. “Depends. Are you still gonna’ snore?”

“Are you still gonna’ have a stick up your a—”

Mama Rhodes shoots Tony a look from where she’s trying to corral the rest of her kids.

“—butt?” he finishes with a sheepish glance her way.

Rhodey does not even remotely have a stick up his ass, but of the two of them, he features in tabloids far, far less, which Tony somehow uses to his advantage.

“You know it,” Rhodey replies, and so they find a fancy penthouse that Tony mostly pays for, with the excuse of Rhodey satisfying his part of rent via generally covering Tony’s ass to the best of his ability. And he has a lot of ability, honed from years upon years of Tony self-destructing at the drop of a hat, but there’s only so much he can do, especially as his military career just keeps flying higher and Howard just keeps pushing Tony harder.

A few sex tapes, especially wild benders, and crashed cars later, when Howard cuts Tony off and tells him, quote, “I won’t speak to you until you learn to do something other than disappoint me”, Rhodey very gracefully still shacks up with him in their considerably less fancy apartment.

This is all important to know, contrary to what someone whose name may or may not rhyme with Tephen Trange might say about Tony’s “long-winded” and “overly-complicated” storytelling tendencies because it explains exactly why Rhodey is a traitor.

Is Carol a very cool lady who could kick Tony’s ass? Yes. Is she sickeningly cute with Rhodey and not just because a smile from her makes him melt into a pile of fucking goo on the floor? Also yes. Does it probably make more sense for Tony to find roommates who will actually be around to monitor his—allegedly—poor mental health and self-care habits? Okay, fine, yes, but the bottom line is, Rhodey is moving in with Carol and abandoning Tony, and nobody said he had to like it.

(This is not strictly true, what with the approximately ten conversations Rhodey and he have had about his happiness and how, if Tony needs him, all he has to do is say the word and he’ll be back, but Tony has always had a flair for the dramatic.)

The whole idea is that Tony will find someone gone less than Rhodey with all his military business to enjoy having around the apartment. It’s technically a three-bedroom, but he and Rhodey use the extra one for storage. Fortunately or unfortunately, that storage area has become a lot of junk they go through before Rhodey makes his grand exit, and Tony suddenly has the option of having two roommates.

The ad is a low point, he can admit that, but there is a flaw in what Tony loudly calls Rhodey’s master plan to leave him alone to wallow in misery: Tony doesn’t exactly have a lot of friends, nevermind people who he’d want to live with.

“Rhodey. Honeybear. Platypus.”

“The nicknames are old, and you need to stop using them around Carol. She called me Platypus last night during sex, and it ruined the whole mood.”

“You poor thing.”

“She thought it was hilarious.”

If Tony has to lose Rhodey to anybody, by God, Carol is his first choice by a long shot.

“Anyway, as I was saying, Sourpatch—”

“I hate you.”

“—how am I supposed to find someone else to live with?”

Tony is thirty-two and regularly speaks out with all of four people: Pepper, Rhodey, Carol, and Happy. Unfortunately, Happy works in Stark Industries’ California branch and has stated rather firmly that he’s not interested in transferring to the city, Pepper wouldn’t live with another person for love or money, and the other two are spoken for.

It’s a terrible situation to be in, honestly.

“Craigslist,” Rhodey deadpans, fighting with some packing tape.

Tony feels his heart stop beating in real time from his place folding some of Rhodey’s clothes into a plastic tub. His head snaps up, and his jaw drops, absolutely affronted. “You would suggest that I, even disowned and stripped of my former glory—” Tony has several million dollars in the stock market, but that’s neither here nor there and isn’t much compared to the fact that he was supposed to be a billionaire. “—would stoop to looking for live-in friends on Craigslist?”

Rhodey looks up to meet his eyes, unfazed. He’s used to Tony’s antics after nearly two decades of friendship. “Well, I’m not moving out until you have at least one person guaranteed to take my place, so unless you have any better ideas, yeah.” He shrugs—just shrugs, as if he isn’t advising Tony to scrape the bottom of the fucking barrel in terms of reliable people to regularly fall asleep around.

It’s insulting.

“I’m not putting out an ad for a roommate on Craigslist,” he protests, shoving the next horribly colored polo into the tub with disdain.

That night, he tears up thinking about stopping Rhodey from being happy with Carol, and the post is up by the time Rhodey gets up—stupidly early, like normal—for his morning run. Along with his contact information and a few blurry pictures of the place, it includes a blurb about the circumstances.

Best friend moving out. Need a roommate or I will die of Sadness. His girlfriend is cool but hewas mind first. Carol, I am watching you. Two rooms open for business. But not sketchy business. You can just lve there. Current resident (me) is cool and very charming. I am a man. No dumb fuck offers. Thanks.

It could use some work, but Tony’s never been great with words, even less so when he’s crying to rock ballads at two in the morning. He edits it when he wakes up, and by noon that day, it’s looking better.

At seven o’clock that evening, he receives one of two messages that actually work out.

Enter the first offender: Peter Parker.

Peter, Tony will learn, is nineteen, attending NYU—like Tony did, which is a sign, really—for a double major in biochemistry and physics, and has the worst luck of anyone Tony’s ever met.

Rhodey’s moving out in a week—he’s been putting off finding a roommate for a while, alright—and Peter has to legally be out of his dorm in three days. That is quite the predicament, and Tony, by nature, is a curious creature. He is not, however, one for beating around the bush. That results in a text that reads exactly this.

Tony: What the hell did you do?

He could hack through the university files, but explanations are always more fun with a personal touch that’s lacking in, say, an incident report. Tony watches a bubble with three blinking dots for a long, long time, and the reply is surprisingly sparse—sparse enough, in fact, for Tony to have more questions than answers when he receives it.

Unknown Sender: theres been a few things but the kicker was the fire

Tony: The fire?

Unknown Sender: i tried to make popcorn and the microwave blew up

Now that is some problematic behavior Tony can get behind. He amends the kid’s previously non-existent contact information.

Tony: How can they kick you out for that? That’s not your fault.

Roommate (?) Peter: it blacked out the power on the entire first floor

Tony: And?

Roommate (?) Peter: last month i got the blame for contaminating half the campus water supply

Roommate (?) Peter: so i was already on thin ice

Tony: Accidentally?

Roommate (?) Peter: idk sometimes things just happen to me

Tony doesn’t know how to respond to that. If Rhodey knew, he’d never let him live it down. He can hear his annoying laugh in his ears like a premonition—“Hah—Tony, speechless?”—but then there are the dots again and a simple message to follow the last, a touch pathetic.

Roommate (?) Peter: please let me move in

Tony likes him.

Peter shows up on the stairs of the complex thirty-six hours after Tony posted the ad with a backpack and a meager total of six beat-to-shit boxes. The backpack holds nearly all of his school supplies, which makes Tony, in retrospect, genuinely fearful for the integrity of his spine, and the contents of the boxes are sorted, as Tony will learn, into three categories that each have two boxes in them. The categories are fairly simple—clothing, necessities, and whatever other shit he could fit from his dorm—and leave Peter with thrilling possessions such as an entire collection of truly atrocious shirts with science puns on them, a gallon of hand soap, and any food he had in his cupboards.

Thankfully, Rhodey is out furniture shopping with Carol when Tony goes out to meet him, which solves the problem of Rhodey going into overbearing caretaker mode at the sight of a beanpole of a kid failing to manage their life successfully. As someone who has been made many a you-haven’t-eaten-a-meal-in-two-days-and-I’m-secretly-a-panicking-mother-hen casserole, Tony counts his blessings.

Tony waves. “Peter?” he asks, reluctantly changed out of his pajamas for the day.

The kid nods. “That’s me. And you’re Tony?”

“Guilty as charged. Want a hand with those boxes?” he asks, watching Peter lift three at a time.

“No, I got it,” he insists, and then the box on top slides out of his grip and onto the sidewalk.

Peter stares at it for a second before he lets out a long-suffering sigh.

“Maybe I could use some help,” he admits, and with much struggle, the two of them, each with three boxes, waddle inside. There is a moment and only one moment where Tony thinks that it might be nice to have some extra assistance, but with another thought of the things Rhodey would do at the sight of a woefully inept college kid, Tony decides it’s for the best.

Tony leads the operation, considering he has the key and also knows explicitly where they’re going, and he would have to say his biggest complaint about the ordeal is that Sam, who lives in the apartment below Tony and Rhodey with Steve and Bucky, happens to open his door as they walk by.

Being an asshole, he has something to say about it. “Need some help, shellhead?” he crows.

Tony wishes he had a free hand to flip him off.

“Watch your back, Wilson,” he growls in return, a continuation of the beef the five of them have maintained since they met approximately seven years ago, when they all moved in on the same day and kept knocking into each other’s shit in the halls.

When they reach the top of the next flight of stairs and Tony starts to fumble with the key, Peter asks about it. “So—uh—who was that?”

“That was Sam. Part of the deal with moving in is that you harass him and the other two idiots who live with him. He also responds to jackass, douchecanoe, or birdbrain.”

“Birdbrain?”

“It’s an old joke. He had a rather—” Tony grunts, forced to set down his load to unlock the door, “—spectacular run-in with some pigeons a few years ago.”

“Oh.”

“They shat on him. A lot.”

“Oh.”

“It’s a good nickname,” Tony assures him, throwing open the door with his arms flung wide for dramatic flair. “Welcome to Casa Stark. I mean, I guess it’s Casa Stark-Parker now, but if we’re hyphenating, my name goes first because I lived here first.” He holds up a finger as if to stall Peter, who has yet to speak from where his mouth is decidedly blocked by the aforementioned three boxes he is carrying. “And I know what you’re going to say—that Parker-Stark works better because it’s alphabetical—but that is where you are wrong because letters have no place in this house. Numbers are much preferred, and we play by seniority here, anyway.”

He gives Peter a meaningful look that he cannot see because, once again, boxes.

“More on that, by the way—”

“Hey, Tony?” 

He cuts him off which is, objectively, rude, but Tony rarely gets along with people who aren’t a little curt with him from time to time. This is a positive sign, really, so he allows it.

“Yeah?” 

“This can be Casa Stark-Parker, but can we get to somewhere I can set these down? My arms are, like, going to give out on me.”

Not even ten minutes in, and he’s already learned the art of bargaining. Tony’s proud, and he ushers him inside without any more monologues and a grin stretched across his face.

Peter, by virtue of moving in before Rhodey is out, ends up with the room that is no longer being used for storage. Tony has several questions for him, beginning with the fact that, despite the six packets of instant noodles he bothered to bring, he does not appear to have a mattress. Or a desk. Or a dresser. Or anything that’s supposed to go in a room.

His solutions for Tony’s concerns are as follows.

In place of a bed, he has two blankets, one to put on the floor and one to cover himself with. He was planning on sitting on the floor to do schoolwork instead of using a desk. And finally, he was going to leave his clothes in the boxes.

This is all relayed to Tony with an earnest gleam in his eyes and a smile.

Tony blinks in disbelief. Then, very eloquently, he says, “Kid, that is the saddest shit I have ever heard. Aren’t your parents helping you with the move to an apartment?”

The kid shifts from foot to foot, shoving his hands in his pockets and glancing to the side.

Tony’s eyes narrow. As someone who is extremely well-versed in avoidance tactics, he feels very confident in saying that is definitely a fucking avoidance tactic.

“About that,” he begins, “first of all, I’m an orphan.” Jesus Christ. “Second of all, my aunt doesn’t exactly—uh—know I got kicked out of the dorms.”

That is all interesting information, to say the least, but luckily, Tony thrives under pressure.

“Alright. I can respect that.”

It’s not like he never hid anything from his parents. Evading his aunt is Peter’s problem, not Tony’s. None of this is Tony’s problem, really, except then he looks around the room and wonders which of Peter’s boxes are holding his two blankets.

Tony was concerned about Rhodey, but he can’t stop himself.

“But I’m also gonna’ level with you—you’re not sleeping on the ground. You can take the couch.”

The until I get you a proper bed frame and mattress goes unsaid, but sometimes things like that are better as surprises. It’ll be a fun housewarming gift, Tony thinks, and by the time the shipment from IKEA arrives containing both of those things and the aforementioned missing dresser and desk, there will be a third roommate to help put it all together, not that either of them know it yet.

That night, Rhodey and Carol show up with enough ingredients for lasagna to serve four, and Tony delights in showing off Peter as they cook because now he has a “super cool roommate too! Take that, Platypus.”

Rhodey glances to Peter. “If you’re being held hostage, blink twice.”

“Hey!” Tony protests. He is a perfectly lovable roommate, thank you very much, and he’s so offended, he’s not even going to let Rhodey know about his mission to furnish Peter’s room.

God bless her, Carol just laughs.

The four of them get along with surprising ease, considering Peter’s only been around for a few hours. Peter even tries to help with the lasagna, but Tony has a near-photographic memory and has not remotely forgotten the popcorn incident, however vaguely it was described.

“You just sit there and be a nicer person than Rhodey,” he urges him, and Peter nods, hiding his grin behind his hand at the argument that starts.

Once everyone is done, he and Rhodey get suckered into dish duty while Carol spirits Peter off to the living room, claiming she has to warn him about what he’s getting into. Tony doesn’t care enough to complain, and when her back is turned, he splashes a plate of suds onto Rhodey’s front. 

Rather than rise to the bait, however, he raises his brows, slipping into what Tony affectionately calls his big-brother-giving-a-stern-talking-to mode. “You have to be a good example for him, Tones.”

Tony blinks. “I’m sorry, did you just say—”

“I’m serious!” They keep their voices mostly down, but Rhodey’s rises a bit with the declaration.

“He’s nineteen—an adult, in case you forgot. He signed the lease all on his own and everything,” he hisses back incredulously.

He thought he dodged the bullet by not disclosing just how underprepared Peter is to live in an apartment, but Rhodey’s head dips. Tony braces himself for the part of his big-brother-giving-a-stern-talking-to mode where he tells Tony he’s making a bullshit excuse and needs to get it together. “Don’t give me that. He’s a baby adult at best, and you know it.”

Yep, there it is.

“That’s still an adult!”

It is! Tony was on his own way earlier than nineteen. This is not a big deal, no matter how outlandish Peter’s circumstances are for moving out of NYU’s dorms.

“Watch his back.”

Tony scoffs. “It’s not like I was going to feed him to the wolves. I’m barely thirty—I’m not his dad.”

“Tony.”

Ah, the final, crushing blow of this version of Rhodey: his name—but with emphasis.

Tony sighs. “Fine,” he acquiesces. “I solemnly swear I will not let him get up to no good.”

A beat. Rhodey squints at him, slowly lowering the plate he’s holding into the sink. “You told me you refused to read Harry Potter.”

Shit.

Back when the books were first coming out, Rhodey was insufferably obsessed with them, and Tony loves him, but emotionally, he couldn’t handle having Rhodey think he was willing to discuss anything having to do with the series for longer than thirty seconds. Thus, he read the books—everyone in the world was doing the same, okay, and he cannot stand being out of the loop—but lied to Rhodey about it.

And now, he’s been made.

Rhodey and he launch into a very spirited discussion that draws Carol and Peter back to the kitchen, and despite the vein throbbing dangerously in Rhodey’s forehead, the promise has been made.

The day after Rhodey moves out, he and Peter manage to flood the bathroom.

In Tony’s defense, he only promised to look out for Peter. He said nothing about curbing his own dumbass tendencies, and it’s not like Bucky’s bedroom is all that damaged by the leak that Tony fixes before it’s really even a problem.

He and Peter settle into a nice sense of camaraderie, and Tony, content with his situation, forgets to take down his Craiglist ad that, logically speaking, someone would have to dig to find at this point, over a week after initially posting it.

Then, he receives a text that is as simple as it is effective: Is there still an available room in the apartment?

Enter the second offender: Stephen Strange.

Ahem, Doctor Stephen Strange, technically, but Tony has six PhDs. Nobody sees him going around making people call him Doctor Stark, and that’s because it makes him sound pretentious and stuffy, both things Tony prides himself on not being. However, Tony likes to push buttons, and very little gets Stephen worked up as fast as someone ignoring his credentials.

It’s a fun set-up, really, but annoying the piss out of Stephen is something that comes a little later—Tony’s not there yet in the story.

He humors the text, and after getting a read on things, he bursts into the living room, startling Peter nearly off the couch. He’s been doing his homework there and on the coffee table in front of it because the Swedish have many things but fast shipping is, apparently, not one of them, not that Peter knows there’s anything to be waiting on, but he’s getting off-topic.

Peter lets out a short yelp and presses a hand over his heart, both things that Tony ignores.

“We have a situation,” he announces.

“I swear I didn’t do it,” Peter defends pleadingly.

Tony is trying to teach him that messing things up is expected and, especially in particularly magnificent cases, admired in Casa Stark-Parker, but it’s a work in progress.

“I know you didn’t—don’t be ridiculous,” he waves his concerns off. “We are talking bigger than setting things on fire by accident. I bring you, my young protege, the proposition of—” A pause for dramatic effect. “—another roommate.”

“Ooh,” Peter says appropriately, setting his textbook down to examine the texts Tony brandishes. He begins to scroll, but while he does, Tony figures he can go ahead and fill him in on the essentials. It’s a very juicy situation, after all, and he can’t help himself.

“His name is Stephen Strange. He’s a neurosurgeon, but he got into a pretty bad car wreck that messed up his hands. He’s trying to save money while he goes to physical therapy—he apparently has a chance of recovery, but it’s a ways off—and that includes downsizing on where he lives.”

“I mean, yikes, but that’s an oddly specific backstory.”

“I’m glad you think that too, but I am intrigued. I looked him up, and he’s a real person—has a basically flawless reputation, or at least he did before his accident. Thoughts?”

Please say yes, please say yes, Tony thinks. The chance of a competent human—not including Rhodey, who looks more put together than he really is next to the chaos Tony perpetually dwells in—choosing to live with him is too fascinating to pass up, and he needs Peter to see that too.

Peter shrugs. “I’m down if you are. How old is he?”

Victory!

Satisfaction floods Tony, but he tries to maintain his cool.

“Thirty.”

Peter blows out a long breath, tipping his head back to look at the ceiling. “I didn’t anticipate moving into a nursing home,” he remarks dryly.

What a little shit.

It’s worth noting half the reason Rhodey left so easily is because he said he trusted Peter to keep Tony on his toes. Then again, that Tony likes being snarked at is a large part of why they get along so well despite only knowing each other for a matter of days.

“You’re the worst, Parker. I’m going to feed you to the hooligans downstairs. Steve has a monster appetite, you know.”

Peter hums, picking his textbook back up. “Not if I feed you to them first. And, Tony?”

“What?”

“Only old people say hooligans.”

Tony thinks about that one book, Give a Mouse a Cookie or whatever. Except in his case, it’s Rent a Teenager an Apartment, and Tony doesn’t have to adhere to the literary equivalent of a G-rating.

His response to the dig is creative and colorful, and Peter laughs.

Four days and a brief conversation at a coffee shop later—a formality he and Peter did not do and probably something Tony should’ve thought of as the older adult before giving him the address—Stephen’s team of movers invade the apartment.

The man himself stands like a drill sergeant at the last flights of stairs it takes to get to the apartment, arms crossed, beard wild, conducting activity.

Peter and Tony share their evaluations, peeking their head out from the doorway when it’s unoccupied by movers and Stephen isn’t looking their way. This involves quite a bit of ducking, but they are very careful not to be caught.

(Someone’s whose name may or may not rhyme with Tephen Trange later informs that “they were not at all subtle” and “were, in fact, very embarrassing”, but that’s how things with the three of them generally are, so Tony figures it was a good crash course to how life together goes.)

“He’s kind of scraggly,” Peter whispers, his head under Tony’s because he’s the shorter of the two of them, something Tony delights in refuting Peter’s quips about his age with.

“Kind of? He looks like a hobo.”

It’s true, okay? Facially, at least, the guy is a wreck. He’s not quite to Einstein levels of bad hair day, but he’s getting there.

“Be nice,” Peter chastises him. He’s gentler than Rhodey when he does it, but considering neither of them ever shut the hell up and they have thus bonded very easily over the course of their short relationship, it’s gotten to feel as natural as most of their interactions.

“All I’m saying is that I am happy to retain my place as the most attractive person in the apartment, okay?”

They’re forced to retreat from the entryway as another load comes through, and Peter looks at him disbelievingly. “Dream on,” he replies bluntly.

Tony gasps in offense.

Peter shrugs. “Look, I’m just gonna’ say it—you knew Rhodey before me, and now that I’m here—” he trails off, looking at Tony in faux-sympathy that doesn’t match the mischievous glint in his eyes.

While it is true that Rhodey is a fine specimen of a man—yet another reason Tony can’t, in good conscience, be truly angry Carol mooched him away from the bachelor lifestyle—Tony can’t cede that easily for the sake of his pride, and he scowls. “I am going to pretend you didn’t say that.”

They’re still bickering as the movers finish up and Stephen enters the apartment, dressed in what Tony recognizes as the latest from Armani and Tom Ford.

He may not get invited to fashion week anymore, but he still has taste, alright, even if Rhodey limits him to one designer purchase a month.

(Rhodey isn’t around to see what packages he orders now, Tony thinks but shelves the thought for later.)

Tony and Stephen met over coffee, and all three of them said hi to one another before the moving business officially began. However, there is a little stiffness in the air, make no mistake. It’s not Stephen’s fault, exactly, because he’s just kind of a foreboding guy, but still.

It figures that Peter would break the ice. As Tony’s found and will continue to discover, Peter is just as talkative as him. Granted, that trait usually appears in the form of rambling about something from class, but it’s not surprising that his natural passion for life comes through with someone about to be very, very involved in it. 

“Hi!” he begins. “Are all of the movers gone now?”

Stephen raises an unimpressed brow. “Yes.”

His reply is seriously lacking enthusiasm, but Tony isn’t allowed the opportunity to jump on that as Peter keeps going. 

“Sweet! Okay, so welcome to Casa Stark-Parker.”

Woah, woah, woah—timeout.

Tony frowns, raising a hand in a motion for Peter to stop. “I thought that was my thing?” he interjects.

“Well, it has my name in it, so it gets to be both of our things,” Peter replies, then furrows his brow, looking to Stephen. “Actually, since you’re here now, I guess it’s Casa Stark-Parker-Strange. Order’s based on who got here first, sorry,” he explains with a smile that Tony, now familiar with the fact that Peter has more to him than meets the eye, notes is a touch impish.

Tony is pleased to see, despite his generally wholesome appearance, the kid has at least picked up on the power of staking a claim.

Stephen blinks. His hands, Tony has noticed, don’t stop shaking, not even when he folds his arm across his chest, like a physical barrier between him and Peter’s excitement. “Okay?” he drawls slowly, confusedly.

“Tony’s rules, not mine,” Peter assures him as if he doesn’t just want the satisfaction of having his name not be the last in the line-up.

Tony scoffs. “Oh okay, so now we’re throwing me under the bus?”

“You have to take responsibility for your actions, Tony.”

“Oh, sure thing,” he replies, tone betraying that he does not, in fact, think any responsibility is at all necessary. He looks to Stephen, rolling his eyes. “Can you believe what I have to put up with? And it’s barely been a week.”

Stephen blinks again. “I see it’s a lot,” he says measuredly.

Peter gasps, unaffected. “Oh my God, we should make a sign for it,” he enthuses. “We can put it up on the door, and we’d be so much cooler than Sam and them.”

To say that Peter rose to the challenge of bothering their downstairs neighbors with zeal is something of an understatement. 

Tony is, honestly, a fan of the sign idea, especially if it were to light up, but that is where Stephen cuts in, his hands still trembling as he gestures. “Can we slow down for a moment?” He looks carefully from Tony and Peter and back again, bearing the appearance of a man in the throes of realizing he has made a bad decision. 

Tony knows that look well. It usually shows up when Rhodey agrees to one of Tony’s ideas and doesn’t realize just how badly constructed it is until it’s too late.

“First of all, I am fairly certain my car is parked illegally, and before we get too far, I need to fix it before I get towed. And secondly,” Tony watches Stephen’s lips curl in a self-satisfied, I-totally-think-I’m-better-than-you-even-if-I’m-not-technically-saying-it smile, “I am not here to be part of any Casa. I am waiting for physical therapy to work for me, and then I will be out of your hair. I appreciate being able to live here, but—”

Yeah, Tony’s had enough of that. Personally, he would like to thank Rhodey, who, in a way, begins and ends the story, and truly is the greatest best friend a man could have for teaching him how to properly deal with pompous rich people.

“Nuh-uh, none of that. If you’re living here, you’re a part of Casa Stark-Parker-Strange whether you like it or not.”

Stephen looks downright appalled that someone would dare to interrupt him, which, Tony knows from experience, is exactly the kind of shock rich people need to go through. He splutters for a second before he manages to get out a reply, “That was not in the lease.”

Tony spreads his hands as if to say what can you do? “And you didn’t mention in your texts that you were going to try to be a bump on a log, but here we are.”

Perhaps sensing the mounting animosity in the room or maybe just as excited as Tony to have someone to bother, Peter takes advantage of Stephen’s overwhelmed and bewildered state.

“First day with all three of us!” he shouts. “Picture!”

And before anyone can protest—including Tony, who would prefer to be documented in something other than a Black Sabbath tee and his work pants—Peter leans in with the camera on his phone ready to capture the moment.

In the resulting photo, Tony looks vaguely alarmed, Stephen looks pissed as hell, and Peter wears a grin that stretches across his whole face. The whole thing is blurry, and they eventually get it framed.

It’s a beautiful and fitting start to their time as roommates, and in the humble eyes of the asshole who posted the Craigslist ad, that is how the story of how they came to live together went.

[voltagesmutter]

Eisuke - “Sorry Not Sorry’ [Smut/Angst/Fluff]

NSFW, Smut, Angst and Fluff

Hugely inspired by the song ‘Sorry Not Sorry’ 

You finally snap after Eisuke over-rides his throughs causing him to become verbally abusive to you. Bases a year after the events and how you cope after becoming a successful artist but preform at ‘Tres Spades’ on the anniversary of your break up.

Language warning, verbal abuse from Eisuke and slight sexual harassment warnings

You took a deep breath and stepped out the limo you had arrived in, your stomach was tied in knots. Why, why, why, had you agreed to come to this event? Why, dear god, why was it was held here out of every venue in the whole damn city. You knew he’d be here, it was his hotel for crying out loud. You had swore to yourself you would never step foot inside ‘Tres Spades’ ever again after he broke your heart. It had been a year since you walked out of Eisuke, his growing accusations of you cheating on him growing too much for you to bear. He was possessive and couldn’t stand any other man to look at you, including those who resided in the penthouse. You knew he loved you and that made it even harder to leave…

“Eisuke he is your best friend! You really think I would screw him or any other guy, please stop being so stupid!”

“They give you that look, the look only I should you!”

“Then go and yell at them, not me! I haven’t done anything to deserve this!”

“You flirt back with them! You enjoy them all feeding out of the palm of your hand,” “Christ Eisuke, I can’t go over this argument again, the last time I love you only you,”

“Pft, I find that hard to believe when you’ve probably fucked them all and laughed about it behind my back,”.

With those being the last words you would hear him say directly to you, you ran off to your shared bedroom and locked the door before bursting into tears. You wouldn’t let him see you cry. You shoved everything you owned into a suitcase, anything that he had brought you or given you stayed, you wanted nothing that reminded you of him in your life. You waited until you heard the doors to his office slam shut and with one final look around you left his bedroom. Just as you were about to leave the penthouse Soryu had come out to see what the commotion was about.

“Bella where are you going?”

“I’m leaving, I can’t take this anymore Soryu,” You began to sob and he, rather awkwardly, comforted you, just as Eisuke came out of his office.

“Your fucking kidding me,”

“Eisuke, calm down this isn’t what it looks like,”

“Fuck it, do what you want, screw her like you and everyone else already probably has,” Eisuke held his hands up and walked away down the corridor. Unable to take anymore your hand gripped at the engagement ring on your finger and threw it across the room. 

“Goodbye Soryu, you were always the kindest to me,” Taking one last look at the penthouse where you were once so happy before leaving, never to return. You broke down in the elevator, wondering how everything had gone so wrong.

‘Boss! God dammit Eisuke! What are you playing at, why are you being like that to her!” Soryu screamed after him, grabbing him roughly by his collar.

“Oh why are you so upset, your little pet ran away, she’ll be back,” He smirked and Soryu raised his first.

“The fuck is your problem!”.

“I know she’s been sleeping with you and the others, I wanted to see how much I could break her before admitting it,”.

“She’s not slept with any of us, you fucking idiot! You're jealous over nothing and you’ve just let the one thing that made you happy walk away!”.

“Well if she hasn’t why I have seen the messages between you all and her! And why did Kenzaki report all the secret meetings between you all and that Erika girl stating information to me!”

“Christ you're an idiot, a real idiot! If you ever paid attention to her you would know that Erika hates her and makes her life misery on purpose! She’ll say anything to you to get you to leave her, and the messages? She wanted help from all us to be like a ‘woman of your standard’ for the wedding and future events because she didn’t feel good enough for you, when all in all you were never good enough for her! She wanted to change and improve herself to make you happy and you became so overzealous for nothing you pushed the one woman away who truly loved you, not your money, or your status, you! So I hope you're happy, boss,” Soryu practically spits the words out of his mouth to him. 

Eisuke’s heart stopped and he looked at Soryu who was walking away. 

“Soryu, I need your help to get her back, what the fuck have I done?”.

“I think it’s too late, you treated her like shit these past few weeks and broke her heart,” Soryu snapped, he turned back around and threw the ring she had removed moments ago to him, indicating to Eisuke the extent of his damage.

Deep breaths Bella, just keep calm, you probably won’t even see him, you kept repeating in your head. Don’t let him ruin this for you, like he ruined your relationship. The day after the events with him you decided it was time to focus on yourself, no men to distract you, only you. You took more chances and risks, saying yes to new things but the main highlight was your singing. You began online singing covers of songs and it was a instant hit, the previous year had been a whirlwind, kick starting you into the music industry and tonight you was here to perform a song for the ‘70th Annual Music Inspiration Awards’ a huge moment for you. You had worked tirelessly on your music and yourself, you was completely different to the girl who had let Eisuke break your heart, if it happened now you wouldn’t be bleak and comply to his words, no you would stand up to him and challenge him. Fighting for yourself. But none of that was relevant, you didn’t care no more for him, or thats what your head was saying at least, your heart on the other hand was racing at the prospect of seeing him tonight. 

You attended the event alone, it was still to sudden for you to find that special someone. Decked out in stilettos that wrapped around your ankles with a skin tight crimson dress that hugged your figure with a plunging, but also respectable, neckline. You had grown your hair long since you was last here and it had a wet dewy look to it. You looked like a entirely different person to when you was last here. 

“Miss Bella! Miss Bella, over here! Singing weekly, how does it feel to be the youngest person to perform at this event?”

“Music updates, how does it feel to be performing tonight?”

You was flooded with questions and interviewers before you stepped inside, guided by your manager. 

“Thank you Rikk, it was getting a bit overwhelming out there,” You smiled.

“No problems, it's why I’m here to protect you! Now I must say it one final time, you look stunning,” Rikk taking your hand and squeezing it, he was an incredibly attractive man however his personality rang like Baba’s, a true womaniser and you was smart enough not to be lured into his traps.

“So the plan?” You ask.

“Ah yes, okay so, interviews done, we should probably go and greet Mr.Ichinomiya and thank him for the event and then theres,” He started but as soon as you heard Eisukes name you zoned out and your heart began to race.

“No!” You cried.

“Sorry, I mean no, I’m merely here to do one song, I don’t think we should waste Mr.Ichinomiya’s time, you said there was a bar?” You quickly say before scuttling off, you had never told anyone in your business about Eisuke, you didn’t want to become a piece in the magazines about being his heart broken partner. In all honesty, you hadn’t heard a word from him since that day which broke your heart the most, he was meant to love you and want to marry you yet he never came after you, showing you truly how little he cared…

At the bar you could sense someone looking at you and gulped quietly before a familiar scent surrounded you.

“Hello Bella,” The voice rang crisp as day and you turned around.

“Soryu!” You smiled and pulled him in for a hug.

“Still as awkward around women as ever I see,” You giggled. 

“What are you doing here? You look, you look incredible,”.

“Thank you, I’m actually one of the performers tonight, kinda special act you know, not to be released to the public aha,”.

“But you! How are you, how is everyone?” You heart clenched at everyone because you really only meant Eisuke. 

“Yeah their good, Baba and Ota still up to no good, Mamoru nothing as always and Eisuke… well, he lost it after you and he hasn’t ever really recovered, he turned back into his cold old self and never snapped out of it,” He responds with a weak smile and you gave him one back, your heart almost re-breaking like it did the year before.

“He never deserved you, you know,” He softly whispered. 

“I don’t think I ever deserved him, he broke my heart but it helped me grow, I mean look at me now,” You managed with a smile but Soryu saw straight through it.

“I can’t take back that day, but after he left I had to explain everything to him, that Erika woman and Kenzaki had been spreading lies to him and he was already so paranoid about these secret meetings we’d been having it sent him over the edge, I don’t think he’ll ever get over how he treated you,” His words made your eyes tear up and your heart ever so lightly raced. You wanted to see him and just as you was about to ask, Rikk appeared and put his arm around your waist, pulling you away.

“Come on, it’s showtime, just remember your brilliant, your my star,” He says with excitement and kisses your wrist, something you had repeatedly told him not to do. You stood in the side wings of the stage as the lights went down, you was the first one to perform tonight, you started the show. And then, the music started, the song you wrote after your breakup and wanting to get slightly revenge against the man who broke you started to play.

“Now, I'm out here lookin' like revenge

Feelin' like a ten, the best I've ever been

And, yeah, I know how bad it must hurt to see me like this

But it gets worse (Wait a minute)” 

You stepped out onto the stage to a wild applause. 

Now, you're out here lookin' like regret, ain't too proud to beg

Second chance, you'll never get

And, yeah, I know how bad it must hurt to see me like this

But it gets worse (Wait a minute)

Your face lit up at the applause and you carried on, swinging your hips to the song like you had practiced. 

Now, payback is a bad bitch

And baby, I'm the baddest

Then you saw him, his back was turned to you but you knew just from his stance it was Eisuke.

You fuckin' with a savage

Can't have this, can't have this (Ah)

And it'd be nice of me to take it easy on ya, but nah

He turned as the applause went wild, your head ducking and flipping your hair, but his eyes met your and his face stood in shock. 

Baby, I'm sorry (I'm not sorry)

Baby, I'm sorry (I'm not sorry)

Bein' so bad got me feelin' so good

Showin' you up like I knew that I would

Baby, I'm sorry (I'm not sorry)

Baby, I'm sorry (I'm not sorry)

You carried on with your performance, you couldn’t let him ruin it for you, not this.

Feelin' inspired 'cause the tables have turned

Yeah, I'm on fire and I know that it burns

Your eyes purposefully meet his at this point. You slayed through your performance just like you had practised, feeling on fire from the cheers and whistled you received. You even perfected the chair choreography, something you had been nervous to do with the size of your heels but nevertheless you did it. As it finishes, you're met with a standing observation and thank them for, wishing all the nominees the best of luck before leaving the stage.

“Doll, I told you would be great! You nailed it!” Rikk ecstatically yelled, pulling you into a tight hug with his hands firmly on your waist.

“Thank you, I’m feeling hot so I’m gonna go outside,” You say, trying to wriggle out his grip but he guides you, his hands placed firmly on you still. You went out to a secluded area, only for the event but due to it just starting everyone was inside.

“You know, you have the voice and looks of a angel, but I bet your really a devil, a little minx,” Rikk whispered into your ear, you could smell the alcohol on him, he must have already been drinking before the event.

“Rikk, you're making me uncomfortable please stop this,” You squirm and try to push him off. 

“Your such a tease, you know that! You make all these sexual gestures towards me but shoot me down, well not anymore!” He angrily yells and grips you tightly.

“Get off me!” You cry, tears forming as you try to push him off you but his grip was too tight. It was all too raw, his words reminded you of Eisukes, tearing a fresh wound into your heart.

“She said get off her, I suggest you do so now or,” You heard from behind you, the sound of a gun cocking and Rikk’s face went white. 

“You won’t get far with her, she’s just a tease,” Rikk hissed releasing you and leaving you. You sighed, wiping away the tears that had formed before turning to see your rescuer, well you should say rescuers. There in front of you were all the bidders, Soryu putting his gun away, Eisuke stood meekly behind them.

“Thank you,” You managed before they surrounded you, hugging and welcoming you back.

“It’s been so long kiddo, look at you all grown up,”.

“My Kiro is no longer a puppy,” Ota still whined as usual.

“We saw you performing, your sensational princess,”. You smile at their comments, not feeling as if you had been away from them for even five minutes, you engaged with all of them, all except Eisuke who hadn’t said a word. 

Finally you take a breath and turn to him. 

“Come to yell at me for being complimented by men, or did you come out here to agree with that Rikk said about me,” You spit at him, it was petty, it was stupid but you wanted him to hurt like he had hurt you. But he didn’t bite, he just stood here in silence.

“We’ll give you some space,” Soryu says and they leave you alone. You both stood there, the cold air hitting against you making you shiver.

“Here,” Is the first thing he says to you and takes off him jacket, handing it to you.

“I don’t- I don’t need anything from you,” You manage but he doesn’t listen and wraps it over you, your inhaling his scent like you use to do. You looked at the man in front of you, he still looked the exact same, still as handsome as ever but there was something in his eyes, they looked broken and it pained you to see him like that. Before you could even think, your eyes began to tear up.

“You never came after me, did I mean that little to you? Did our relationship mean nothing to you? Did you even love me Eisuke,” You manage between sobs, all your confidence had washed away, seeing him standing in front of you made it feel like the events from last year was happening over again.

“I can’t take back how I treated you and what I said and I will never forgive myself for that, but I always loved you, always,” He replies, his stance softening.

“Then why! Why Eisuke, you took me down and doubted me, you made me feel so little accusing me of sleeping with every man who looked at me! I loved you, I loved you so much! I was so excited for our future, we was getting married!” You sobbed, you no-longer cared about crying in-front of him, you wanted to see the damage he had on you.

“Bella,” He softly whispered and took a step towards you, a hand reaching out to you but you rejected it. 

“I never felt good enough, never and you made me feel I was! And then you came out with all that stuff and proved me right, that I was never good enough for you,” You yelled before he wrapped his arms tightly around you, you didn’t even struggle and sobbed into his chest. It felt comforting, it felt safe, it felt like home.

“You were never not enough for me, you were always better than me and you deserve the world, your perfect, beyond perfect, my life lost all meaning the day you left,” He whispers into your hair as he holds you tight to him, never wanting to let you go again.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I will never forgive myself and I expect you will never forgive me, but your just too pure and perfect for this world, it hurt me so much every time I saw anyone looking at you, I was so frightened you would leave me for someone deserving of you, that it ruled my life,” He adds as you press yourself to his chest. You could feel his heart beating rapidly, just like yours. He was so scared of losing you, he had pushed you away instead.

“Why didn’t you come after me?” You manage as you look up from his chest, seeing tears running down his cheeks.

“I imagined you never wanted to speak to me again,”.

“I didn't,”.

“You didn’t…”

“I missed you so much,” You sobbed again, giving yourself into his arms. You couldn’t stop yourself, the man who you loved deeply was here in front of you, apologising, something you had never seen Eisuke do before.

“I missed you everyday, I have never stopped loving you, I hate myself for what I did to you, how I treated you, how stupid I was,” He whispers, holding you so tight against him you though you might burst.

“I… I never stopped loving you too,” You slowly whispered back, looking up at him before you leaned up as he leaned down to kiss you. You stood there embraced with his jacket on, your lips meeting in a passionate frenzy as if you were making up for every lost minute. When you pulled away, his gaze was heavy on you and stood there in silence.

“I don’t know what you going to say, scream at me, cry, hurt me, just please say something,” His voice was broken, you had never seen him so vulnerable. 

“I want you Eisuke,” You whisper and your lips re-meet. It was how you truly felt, the details and your relationship could be sorted later, but right now you wanted to be just with him. 

He carried you in his arms up to the penthouse, neither of your lips breaking before he sat on the sofa with you in his lap.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” He was still apologising. 

“You’ve changed so much, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you apologise so much,” You giggle slightly and finally see a smile form on his lips.

“I mean it, I will apologise everyday if I have too, I just never want you to leave my side again,”.

“I’ve changed Eisuke, I’m not the same woman who left,”.

“I know, I can see how much more beautiful you have become, you’ve blossomed into a truly remarkable creature,”.

“But more sassy, it would be nice to have someone to argue back with me, it became so lonely when you left,” A slight smirk on his face. There he was, there was the man who you fell in love with.

“Pft, like you handle me,” You say with a giggle, your once broken heart melting at his gaze. 

“Well I guess I have the rest of my life to try,” He smiles and takes your hand, your fingers entwining as your lips meet once more. The kiss between you was desperate, trying to regain and claim each part of each other. Your free hand ran through his hair, the feeling of electricity and softness through your fingertips as he moved his hand to hold your lower waist. 

Unlike every other time with Eisuke this was slow and gentle, you took your time together to appreciate each other's bodies, he was determined to kiss every inch of you ensuring to linger and leave sweet bites along your skin.

“I missed you so much,” He whispered against your skin as he eased your dress off you, resting your back on the sofa, him looking down and admiring your body. He was almost hesitant to touch you and you took his hand and slowly placed it on your exposed breast and guided the other one down your waist, showing him it was okay. His mouth came down to meet your breast, sucking, licking and nipping at you as other hand slipped below your panties, find your clit making you cry out instantly. No-one could touch you like he could, no-one knew your body than him. You could feel him trying not to smirk against you from your reaction and his fingers continued to swirl around you. His mouth trails down your stomach, leaving wet kisses and he spreads your thighs and removes your panties with his teeth, you almost came on the spot. He kisses his way up your thighs, his finger still teasing your clit as your back gently arches, your finger embedded in your own hair.

“Your still wet and perfect for me,” He whispered against your core before his tongue grazed against you, your hips instantly bucking. 

“Christ, Eisuke!” You moaned, your eyes rolling to the back of your head, your finger now tugging at his hair. His tongue delved deep into you, hitting that sweet spot that made you curse his name. He throws your legs over his shoulders, allowing him to dive deeper into you, his fingers stimulating your clit. 

“”E-e-eisuke-oh!” You whined, your back arching fully of the sofa as your orgasm hit you, releasing yourself against his mouth. He lapped up your essence, making groans against you before pulling back and undressing, the sound of his belt buckle undoing was music to your ears you had longed to here.

“You're still so sweet,” He whispered softly as he licked your juices from his fingers and lips. 

“I imagined my fingers were yours every time I-” You said with a slight flush, you had been with no-one else since Eisuke, you didn’t care if he had been, you were together now.

“I haven’t been with anyone else, I couldn’t even begin to imagine it,” He reassures you as he strokes your face, his other hand removing his boxers as you feel his hot member pressing fiercely against you.

“Neither have I,” You say as he kisses you, cover your body with his as he settles against your spread legs.

“Are you sure about this, because I can stop now,” He whispers, guiding his member to you, his eyes full of love.

“I’ve never stopped wanting you,” And as the words leave your mouth he gently thrusts into you. Both of you moaning, your cheeks were flushed and your lips gently parted.

“Y-your so, ugh tight!” He grunts, taking his time to fill you before his waist is fully against yours. The feeling of him being inside you, made your skin burn with pleasure and your legs instantly wrap around his waist. He thrusted into you gently, take his time to lap the sensation of your tightness around him, sweet moans escaping from your lips. His hand interlaced with yours as you kissed, his hips gently rocking against yours, hitting the sweet spot inside you.

“Eisuke! Oh god there!” You cry against his mouth, your nails digging into his hand as your muscles begin to contract around him. 

“I love you,” He groans as he continues to thrust, a layer of sweat across his forehead.

“I love you too” You manage as your back arches, your head thrown back and you shake as your orgasm takes over your body. Seeing you to the pleasure, Eisuke follows, releasing deep within you as he rides you both down. You both pant before he removes himself and flips you over, holding your body tightly to you to him, frightened if he lets go you will fade away. 

“I missed that,” You giggle, out of breath.

“I could never get the feeling of you out of my head,”.

“Me either,” You say as you cuddle into his chest, stroking patterns over him chest.

“I promise to you now, I will never hurt you again, I will never take you granted or let my jealousy rule me again, you are mine now and forever,” He says as he presses a kiss to your head.

You lay in each other's embrace, enjoying your blissful afterglow, neither of you wanting to let go. You filled him on the year that happened, how you began successful by yourself. 

“Your voice is just as beautiful as you are, I’m so proud of you,”.

“But I don’t know how long it’s going to continue, after Rikk tonight I think I might have lost my producer…”

“Then we’ll get you a new one, the best one, one who will know not to touch what is mine,” And you giggle at his reaction.

“I’ve always been yours,”.

“Here get dressed, I think the others will be back soon and I have something I want to talk to you about whilst we're alone,” He says, releasing you and you both get dressed. Eisuke disappeared for a minute whilst you were busy fixing your shoes.

“So what did you wanna - oh,” You say, your eyes lighting up as Eisuke had returned and was on one knee in front of you, your engagement ring held in his hand.

“If its too much I understand but I-”

“Yes!”

“Can I fin-”

“Yes!”

“Bella”

“Yes! Sorry, sorry continue,” You face blushed at your outburst excitement both of you smiling.

“I can’t bear to go without you for another minute, I want to spend everyday making it up to you and giving you the best life I possibly can,” You finally letting him finish. 

“Yes! Yes!” You say with tears and hold your hand out to him as he places the ring back on your finger. He sweeps you up in his arms.

“We have a lot of catching up to do,” He smirks and carries you to the bedroom.

Since that night the pair of you became inseparable, appreciating each other to the max, giving each other your mind, body, soul and hearts. Rikk had been removed for the company due to sexual harassment, allowing you to be free to choose a new manager at your own will. You knew Eisuke and Soryu was behind him leaving as he hadn’t been heard of since. 

Eisuke and you became an iconic powerful couple and everyone wanted a piece of both of you, ‘The Future Mr and Mrs Ichinomiya’. Your love for each other only grew stronger each day. Whilst a year apart had damaged you both, it also made you appreciate each other and your time you had, your love blossoming from the painful experience.

When your big day finally arrived, every media outlet wanted to cover it but it was strictly only your closest family and friends. 

“You ready princess?” Baba asked, holding his arm out to you. Since your parents had passed away, you had asked him to walk you down the aisle, which he agreed to through tears being touched at your emotional request. 

“You look so beautiful,” He manages with tears.

“Don’t you start! Your going to see me off,” You plead and take a deep breath before holding onto his arm. 

The sound of the organ echoed through the church and you gently gripped Baba’s harm with excitement as you saw Eisuke standing at the altar before turning to see you. His face full of love as he mouthed “Perfect” to you as you made your way down to him. 

“You know white is only for virgins right,” He whispers with a smirk into your ear as you stand beside him.

“Pft watch it Mister, I still have time to make my get away,” You giggle in response as his arms around your waist, holding you close to him.

“You're not going anywhere, Mrs.Ichinomiya,”.

With that you both follow through with your vows before exchange rings and kiss, sealing your love.

[merrysithmas]

you may have talked about this before but do you believe boris already knew he was queer and first approached theo bc he liked him or that he started crushing after they developed a close friendship and theo was what made him question his sexuality? i think theres reasons to believe either side- boris being bold enough to cuddle him in bed seems like he was making a move but him suddenly “loving” kotku seems like an impulsive move out of fear bc he realized he might like a boy. oof idk

I think Boris knew he was attracted to boys — which is evident by his playful, charming, almost teenaged-desperate pursuit of Theo. I think he probably inherently knew this about himself for a long time. I think Boris has always been physically attracted to boys since he’s entered puberty and since he’s still a young teen it is kind of a fun, funny, interesting, enlivening thing for him.

He’s never had a stable life and despite being all over the world he’s led an extremely sheltered existence in a certain way with only one terrible person as his constant (Vladimir). Boris lets it slip to Theo that everywhere the miners go they are hated — this includes Boris. Boris is hated by the public everywhere they go. So long as he is part of their unit, he is hated. That is mortifying to intelligent good-natured Boris. That is why he learns to slip out and around, to be so personable and friendly. His world travels have not been so glorious but probably rather extremely lonely and isolating (as with Judy in Canada), hurtful, and damaging. That is why Bami and Judy (and eventually, Theo) stand out to him so much — people who were kind to him in a childhood of isolated misery and directionlessness. Boris has no moral hang ups about his same-sex attraction - why should he? This directionlessness in his key developmental years is also a good thing: He never grew up around any sort of organized belief systems or stayed bound within an orthodox culture for too long for it to indoctrinate him as its own.

I think people really underestimate how incredibly remote and friendless Boris’ life must have been. Boris is a cheerful boy who Theo says is often plagued by black moods and sullen attitudes. He is an abused and secluded child dragged from location to location with literally no love or stability and constantly brutally beaten to the point where it does not even phase him. Boris actually equates love with that abuse — and nonchalantly claims his father loves him. That is painful to read, that amount of damage.

Living with a bunch of derelict miners whose leader was HIS FATHER (so surely then mostly assholes) and who are “hated everywhere they go” Boris has probably seen any NUMBER of things a conservative-minded person would (likely often erroneously) see as “morally unacceptable” — it’s like Boris is traveling the world with a crew of pirates. He’s probably seen drinking, all kinds of drugs commonly used in front of his face. He has esoteric knowledge about drug use that a child of his age should not — so he was taught by the miners: roll like this, dont include the stems, never mix this, tuck snuff like this, you can get this kind of drug here here and here, it isn’t safe if it doesn’t look like this. His young child’s mind eager to learn sucked up this black information from men who probably didn’t have a second thought to a child or what his developmental needs were. He’s probably first hand witnessed sex workers copulating with his father’s crew (how else would be have learned about the opportunity to lose his virginity in an Alaskan parking lot to a sex worker?), definitely thievery, and said he saw his father murder a man in the mine once and cover it up. Boris’ mind is full of a lifetime of this morally shadowed behavior being presented as normal, or at least secret but common.

I think he understands his attraction to boys in this same way. I think he feels it isn’t “appropriate” to share with Outsiders but it is something that Happens, something that is no one’s business but his own, and something that brings him pleasure and happiness and therefore something he will look for. However he knows it isn’t common or visible or “appropriate” to be showy about it in front of others — especially not people who could judge him (kids at school), kick him out (society), or hurt him (his father). Boris treats his attraction to Theo like his other vices and “bad” habits - barrels head first — but secret: deep dive into happy drug use (but don’t show his dad), steals everything he ever needs (but don’t let them see, put it in my coat), lies when it suits him (lies to Xandra and Larry and his father and Theo too), happily sleeps with Theo and has sex with him (but this is between you-and-me).

He knows other people might have a problem with his actions — but he does not. So that’s his hangup there. He is aware of and ever-vigilant of his surroundings. School: a safe place isolated from his father. He is free and happy to do what he wants at school — including crush on and go after Theo who he clearly likes. He thinks Theo is cute, flirts with him, tries to get him to notice him, talks to him after class, sits next to him on the bus, begs him to come over his house, tries to impress him with far-flung stories, gives him alcohol because it’s what he’s seen his father’s men do in pursuit of romantic partners or as a bonding ritual with one another.

Theo’s house is also a safe place. So safe in fact that Boris starts to leave behind some of the maladjusted development of his childhood and become more of a happy, clear-minded person. Boris and Theo suffer from arrested development and one of themes of the book is childhood lost. They are forced to mimic adults either knowingly or unknowingly, and act in ways that children should not have to in order to survive this Adult World alone. With one another they begin to heal from their traumas, their affection for one another the catalyst. Theo cooks for him, talks to a babbling eager-to-talk Boris (imagine how few people have listened to or understood the ideas of a smart boy like Boris, often surrounded by oafish alcoholics, his violent father where he is expected to keep quiet, or cultures where he does not speak the language), Theo sleeps next to him willingly, he likes Boris, a boy from New York (the top of the world!) he think Boris is funny and smart and worldly, shares his dog with him, hangs on his words, becomes his companion, cares for him if he drinks too much, tried to tend his wounds, welcomes him gratefully into his broken family, watches his favorite movies with him, celebrates holidays with him, inherently values him — and so starts to mend Boris’ broken heart.

A lot of things and viewpoints Boris has are clearly repetitions of things he has heard his father or the miners say — “Christmas is for children” (of course they’d say that to a tiny Boris longing for the magic of Christmas as a child stuck in a mining camp watching the peripheral joy of children around him and coming back to bleak hunger and a dark home), or “god yes I loved having sex with her” (about his hooker in the parking lot — Boris then says he knew she didn’t enjoy it and never shows enjoyment but rather avoidance towards women and girls in any genuine way afterwards, yet covets Theo’s physical company).

Theo on the other hand, who for a short while and then so painfully ripped from him, grew up with love. His natural disposition in Vegas comes from a place of being so recently loved and cherished by his mother and he here, in this lonely place, turns the focus of this disposition onto the one person who is kind and protective towards him: Boris — his one light in a life that has turned very dark. This is like an alien world to Boris. Lonesome and neglected Boris is touched and startled and soon changed by this kindness. So much so that Theo, unknowingly, alters the rest of Boris’ life (Boris feels Theo saved his life).

So that is why I believe the Kotku Gay Panic came about. After their climactic Vegas pool scene where their abuse and trauma is opened to one another (their wounds from their fathers, from fire, literally pouring into the purifying chlorine of the watery womb - mother - pool as they try to drown one another, angry at their attraction to one another, but then cling to and save one another instead) Boris begins to not just have fun and have sex and have freedom with Theo (all okay things by Boris’ standards as long as it is secret) — after that scene and they sleep together and Boris satisfies that teenaged human sexual need... they continue to hookup and be at bliss for a very long, happy time where they both begin to psychologically heal— Boris doesn’t just have sex and fun with Theo, he realizes he starts to love Theo.

Love - an extremely foreign concept to Boris who literally freaks the fuck out because he has no baseline for it. It isn’t the type of “love” that his father gives him (violent, untrustworthy), it isn’t the type of “love” the men who grew up around valued (cheap parking lot sex), it isn’t the kind of “love” his idol Larry has with Xandra (Larry lies to Xandra all the time), it isn’t the kind of “love” Boris has seen in his favorite movies (men and women over and over). No, this love with Theo is very very scary to him. Very perhaps dangerous. He doesn’t know.

I think Boris accepts his physical attraction to men as nbd. I think he probably feels most people feel such attractions or some other harmless private desires that certain people may see as an aberrant from “normal” for whatever reason (either typical kinks and silly hush hush sex shop porno stuff - or other far more despicable things he’s witnessed his father’s men do) and so thinks nothing of his own innocent, consensual goodtime-centered desires. Boris, who likely grew up with little exposure to healthy LGBTQ representation and has a very isolated POV in some ways, likely to some degree at the Vegas point in his life (however casually self-accepting he is) equates same-sex attraction with hush hush taboo sex activities — nothing to be ashamed of, but you’re not going to tell your dad.

As long as it is a personal thing, for him only, Boris embraces it. But it is the emotionality, the healing, the care, the love that freaks Boris out and makes him make a run for it to Kotku — only to recede to what he knows and repeat the exact kind of fake “love” he was taught by his father: unbelievable exclamations of devotion (Boris’ dad sobbing and telling him he loves him + “I love her I love her! She’s beautiful and perfect!”) coupled with the black truth (Boris’ dad beating the shit out of him + Boris beating Kotku).

Boris knows he likes boys but when he starts to love one — that’s when he runs away. Because that means something totally different: societally and personally.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Ronnie

Ali: [The day of but later] Ali: I convinced that man not to press charges or anything, the one that got involved Ali: so you don't need to worry about that Ronnie: wasnt Ronnie: tell someone who is Ali: 'course Ali: talking isn't the most useful thing for me to do right now so I'll pass Ronnie: go be useful then little girl Ali: I'm sorry he brought you Ali: that's fucked up Ronnie: course you are Ronnie: youre all well sorry now like Ali: For you, not myself, or ourselves Ronnie: no shit pity works with the rest of your brothers and sisters Ronnie: youre fucked up Ali: How so? Ronnie: show and tells over Ali: I hope it made you feel better Ronnie: bullshit Ronnie: none of you give a fuck how I feel Ali: yeah I do Ronnie: wheres it been Ali: you're meant to wait for the kid to make the first move, that's rule #1 Ronnie: if you wanna play by the rules Ali: so I've lost points, that's fine Ali: you don't want us to care, right? Ronnie: the way your family is im almost old enough to be your ma Ronnie: bit fucking late yeah Ali: You do have a solid decade on her, yeah Ali: I'm a late bloomer, clearly Ronnie: ill leave it to her to be proud Ali: a big ask, but I'll survive without Ronnie: like I said Ronnie: fucked Ali: Yeah, a fair bit Ali: nothing to shout about, or that hasn't been now Ronnie: you wanted a first move Ali: It was a choice Ronnie: nah Ronnie: a reaction Ali: That too Ali: like I said, hope it was what you needed it to be? Ronnie: ask him Ali: you just did it for Joe? Ronnie: why else Ronnie: none of you mean shit to me Ali: but he does, yeah Ronnie: connect the dots Ronnie: I bothered to carve each one out Ali: I can tell he loves you Ali: do you love him Ronnie: hes that fucking soft Ali: you do Ali: alright, that's something Ronnie: fuck you youve known him all your life and you dont Ronnie: theres no telling me how I feel Ali: I don't know him or I don't love him? Ronnie: have it both ways Ronnie: he tells it either way Ali: I probably don't know him now Ali: I'll allow that Ali: that's how he wants it so you don't have to defend him like I'm saying I do Ali: or that I'll force it, when he's been so clear Ronnie: hes the last person I can be arsed to defend Ronnie: but no shit he gets everything he wants Ali: What were you after Ali: we disown him Ali: or strongarm him into rehab and therapy Ronnie: yeah Ive got everything crossed for sobriety Ronnie: fucks sake Ali: disowning then, he's done it to us Ali: it won't happen the other way 'round, sorry to say Ronnie: give him your fucking sorry Ronnie: he was the one begging me to ruin it all Ali: close enough that he should still be happy Ali: I'm not sorry for him Ali: I already said, he shouldn't have used you like that Ronnie: thats what happens theres no fucking 💘 and 🥀 Ali: no one deserves that Ronnie: I am no one Ali: You aren't Ali: don't have to be Ronnie: people like their junkies part time or useful or repentant Ronnie: fuck that Ali: that's not your whole gig Ronnie: you don't know shit Ronnie: youre not under my skin or in my head Ali: I know enough to know that's bullshit Ali: if anyone was just their addictions and vices, you wouldn't need them Ronnie: yeah youre the smart one Ronnie: he told me Ali: He's the one at the fancy arts school Ali: how does he reconcile that with being the junkie one Ronnie: youre 16 theres no uni thatd take you yet Ronnie: happy birthday for whenever the fuck it was Ali: Thanks Ali: about a month ago Ali: extend the invite next time Ronnie: dont Ronnie: I wont show Ali: you haven't heard how great my parties are yet Ronnie: I aint a childrens entertainer Ali: be cool if you were Ali: have a heart attack when you showed up Ronnie: next time I need a few quid ill try and remember Ronnie: make you proud of me Ali: probably leave that to Joe, and your friends and fam Ali: but I know how to make balloon animals so hmu Ronnie: course you do Ronnie: youre the target market for hippy crack Ali: awh Ali: how true Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: how long you been in the youngest ones adhd meds Ali: not really my thing Ali: need to calm my brain, not stimulate it harder Ronnie: 💔 Ali: how'd you know about that Ali: doesn't seem like the sort of pillowtalk he'd be about Ronnie: i was in care i know what an kid with adhd looks like Ronnie: and theyve tried to diagnose me as everything but a west little bastard Ali: he's shit scared right now Ronnie: be fucked if he werent Ali: yeah Ali: he doesn't really know Joe Ali: was like 4 when he went to Uni so Ali: proper boogeyman shit Ronnie: mckenna will love that Ronnie: real boner for the misery Ali: someone should get something out of it Ali: he can pay for his therapy later Ali: more meds, whatever Ronnie: ill tell him to put in his will Ali: try not to die Ronnie: itd be the ultimate misery boner Ronnie: why should he stop getting what he wants now Ali: yeah, you do love him Ali: but hate him too Ronnie: 💘🥀 Ali: Is he worth it? Ronnie: youre describing freckles and the princess you know that yeah Ronnie: me and her dont share every dysfunction Ali: Nah, they don't hate each other Ali: loads of other stuff, people Ali: very them vs everyone Ronnie: she hates that she needs him Ronnie: that he makes her soft Ronnie: close enough Ali: You reckon? Ali: Hmm Ronnie: first rule of tortured kids club Ali: it's why she loves him too Ali: you'd understand if her sister had been there Ali: she's got no one to make her soft, I tried but Ronnie: gutted she werent there then Ali: you wouldn't like her any more than she'd like you Ali: it'd be fitting, but no fun Ronnie: thats the fun Ronnie: I hate you all Ali: I see the appeal Ronnie: have a go Ronnie: hate me Ali: I see your appeal Ali: why would I hate you? Ali: Fraze does and he's having the least fun of all Ronnie: you see what you fucking wanna Ronnie: youd have to know me to know if I had any appeal Ali: Then I'm a spoilt hippy brat, as you like it Ali: you'd have to do worse for me to hate you Ali: not my MO Ronnie: not wasting another flight on it Ronnie: kill your own ma Ali: then I'm good for it Ali: sorry again Ali: you did what you set out to do, making me 💔 wasn't part of it Ronnie: stop fucking apologising Ali: it offends you? Ronnie: I did what mckenna cant do for his fucking self being a useless pussy from cradle to grave Ronnie: he is under my skin and in my veins like it or not Ali: yeah, and my apology is worth a damn when you've got problems that big Ali: alright, I won't say it no more Ronnie: if it was for me Id have done it at 10 14 fucking 18 even Ali: 'course, you got fucked over at birth Ali: no other straws needed Ali: his is more of a slowburn of bullshit Ronnie: yeah Ali: I don't know what he's told you, or how much you care about it Ali: but they've always been like it, Fraze too Ali: we have no idea and they went through so much more Ali: but Joe's only got 5 on me, so that says all you really need to know Ronnie: thats lads for you Ronnie: cant handle any pain unless they glorify it Ali: or co-opt it Ali: if you don't wanna be like them, tell him to get his own Ronnie: Im not like them thats why he likes me Ronnie: it aint my winning smile Ronnie: helps that I look like you and your ma course hes that sick Ali: He's hated them both ever since Bea came around, then when we moved her, like it was for her Ali: he's spoilt, like you said Ali: but I really think he is sick, too Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: were both sick Ali: yeah Ali: maybe you'll wanna get help someday Ronnie: for what Ronnie: theres no happy ever after here Ali: to not be sick Ronnie: nice try little girl Ronnie: not gonna get cured Ali: yeah, well has to seem better than sick Ali: that's a big ask Ali: I can't imagine not getting to do the drugs I do, and that's everyone Ronnie: it's like being in a relationship yeah sometimes it makes you feel good sometimes it dont Ronnie: cant fix shit though Ronnie: the rots too deep and its already set in Ronnie: long before I took a hit Ali: That's medication for you Ronnie: thats pain for you Ali: Yeah Ronnie: if I cant cut it out Ill cut her out of me Ronnie: her face outta mine Ali: It's DNA Ali: everything and nothing Ronnie: if she's in my blood ill spill it all Ronnie: theres fuck all point keeping it on the inside Ali: It's a waste of you Ali: the you that ain't her Ronnie: I am the waste Ronnie: ive had enough kids scraped out of me it aint hard Ali: She believed in the happily ever after you don't Ali: more fool her Ronnie: she got it Ali: she wanted it with you Ronnie: bullshit Ali: She did, she loved your biological dad, basically as many years as she'd been about Ali: she didn't just not get an abortion because she was scared Ronnie: she wanted it with him then Ronnie: I was along for the ride til I got dumped out Ronnie: if she wanted me id fucking be there Ali: she could've tried Ali: yeah Ali: you would've got taken away though Ronnie: so what Ali: just that, she wasn't allowed to keep you, she was a 14 year old with no parent, they'd have separated you and put you into different care homes Ali: happened to her friend Ronnie: I was a 14 year old with no parents either Ronnie: and a 4 year old Ronnie: 4 months Ronnie: however the fuck far back you wanna go Ronnie: I still found ways to get shit that I wanted Ali: Yeah, I know Ali: you had enough to eat and a bed with a roof over your head Ali: you wouldn't have if you'd had her, if that was even possible, somehow Ronnie: no I fucking didnt Ronnie: not always Ali: if you were in a home Ali: more than a squat where no fucker pays the bills or gets groceries over smack, you know the situation Ronnie: I know it helps her sleep at night Ronnie: this story Ali: you don't have to add it to your narrative if it fucks with your peace Ali: ask Joe Ali: if he reckons he remembers everything back in Liverpool, he'll remember Ronnie: I dont need to ask him cos his story is that she blinked and her life was so fucking sorted that she pushed a shit ton more kids out Ronnie: where the fuck was I Ronnie: nowhere Ronnie: youre my fucking replacement is why Ali: she could've got you when she got Bea and Ro Ali: I don't know how old you were then, 13? Ali: they might've said she was sorted enough, maybe Ali: it was more, this girl has been abused and you're a friend she trusts who is willing to foster her so let's shove her at you and get her out, it wasn't happy families Ronnie: no need when theres already loads of shiny white kids to mother and 2 less shiny to play saviour too Ali: I could ask Ali: I was a toddler, and it wasn't my bedtime story too, believe it or nah Ronnie: luck of the irish Ali: I'll take 50% Ronnie: her sob story is as fucking useless to me as mckennas misery boners are Ali: 💔 Ali: very convincing performance in that case Ronnie: fuck you Ali: why Ronnie: if you have to ask youre not listening Ali: I meant the part where you necked on with him Ronnie: why not Ali: 'cos his boners are a letdown, obvs Ronnie: I dont need him to make me feel good Ronnie: and he fucking wishes he could do as good of a job as the shit that does Ali: thank God Ronnie: he wanted the shock factor thats me baby Ali: assumed that was his intention Ali: he stopped showing up as himself ages ago though, that was, not more shocking but impactful, let's say Ali: if he wasn't so obviously out of it, he might've known that we knew Ronnie: he wanted to stop showing up full stop Ronnie: til he gets shipped back in a ⚰ Ronnie: and reckoned thatd be the final nail for you all us fucking Ali: and us younger ones are dramatic, hilarious Ali: who doesn't want to get away from home? Ali: Tommy has been since he was 11, Bea went to Cambridge, Ro will too, Fraze only didn't because Bea told him he wasn't allowed to follow her Ali: I'm planning on Singapore, myself Ronnie: hes too pussy to handle being away from me Ronnie: or what I get like when he isnt in my fucking face Ronnie: that bit wasnt about you lot as much like Ali: it's how it goes Ali: that's why people get knocked up, get married, get fabulous careers, so you can have an excuse for why you can't make this weekend, will try to pop in for this event but end up just sending a card Ali: it's weird it's you, of course, you're both sick, duh, but look at it objectively Ali: it's your version of 2.4 kids and a dog Ronnie: he dont want me to slit my own throat or anyone elses but his more fool him Ronnie: cant knock me up or marry me thank christ Ronnie: I like that the dog is smack thats well poetic Ali: I'll have a go at writing it Ali: if you want a null and void illegal wedding too, I'll write those vows and all Ronnie: ill stick it in a song if you want better than happy birthday Ronnie: fuck that i belong to no one Ronnie: theres loads more fun illegal shit to do Ali: you write songs too? Ali: just don't let Joe play cello on it Ali: if depression had a 🎵 Ronnie: id lose money if i begged with him Ronnie: fucking hell Ronnie: looks pathetic enough but thats all Ali: very child actor vibes, or rockstar's kid Ali: you had it all and you pissed it all the wall Ali: not here's a couple of quid for a warm cup of coffee and a sarnie, no Ronnie: i can see his face hearing that Ronnie: id have to take a brick to it Ali: yeah, he probably hates me Ali: not as much as Fraze, didn't have the toddler clout to make us move to Dublin, bit rude Ronnie: you're in his way Ali: of what Ronnie: 💉 Ali: that's his hangup Ali: like I said, no one is forcing him to do shit here Ali: guilt's part and parcel of 💚 and 💉 ain't it Ronnie: youre not telling me shit I dont know Ronnie: hes the one shitting himself hes gonna get chucked in rehab Ronnie: nobodys coming to take me nowhere Ali: I get it Ali: she's shit at turning up Ali: tell her to work on it Ronnie: do what you want Ronnie: far as sisterly advice what ive got is dont ask me for a shot unless youre after a habit Ali: lecturing ain't my gig rn, she loves a bit of it so honestly no need when her 🧠 will be full of the 💔 Ali: cheers, I'll stick to the just saying no of it all Ronnie: get the money up front when you are gigging Ronnie: and take care of the kid when you aint Ali: I will, I do Ali: he's got a few years to grow before I'm going anywhere Ronnie: yeah Ali: and my wife might stay and they're best friends Ronnie: she was the one trying to rival us for most high Ali: ✌💚💉 Ali: it was a party before you walked in Ali: which I'm aware was very much the idea Ali: can I give you a tattoo I'm good Ronnie: go ahead Ronnie: not gonna be here long like Ali: where do you wanna meet, my rig is way portable Ronnie: [a place nearby wherever they are cos god knows but I doubt Joe wants to see Ali and she aint gonna tell him that's where she's going LOL] Ali: 👍 Ali: about 25 on my 🚲 Ronnie: reckon i can stay alive til then

[cannibalisticshadows]

Nightcall (2/2)

[ao3 Link] .    [Part One]

Megamind drops out of the media. Though the media doesn’t drop him.

The spike in his frequent fights with Metro Man has done a complete 360, much to the relief of the locals and to the disappointment of tourists. The news and media alike have leaped onto his sudden change like scavengers to fresh offal. Talk of his recent rendezvous, or lack thereof, are on everyone’s mind.

“He’s a maniac,” some talk-show host said into the speaker, hunched over a desk looking quite aggressive. The screen of the television baths the blue alien in a dull electronic glow illuminated his reflective eyes. He frowns at the person but having no good point to disagree. He’s just offended someone would be so bold to jump into the obvious.

“He’s a maniac, and Metro Man has been taking his sweet-ass time in trying to bring this alien-fuck down. Sure, sure, all-righteous and no-killing and what not. I’m sorry but he’s just pious.” Not just ballsy, but controversial. “My only guess as to why Megamind has abruptly vanished like a phantom is because our city’s hero finally grew a pair and kicked his skinny blue ass into the next life. And by God will none of us miss him. Look at what a shit-show he’s turned this city into—“

Megamind turns the TV off by throwing the remote so hard that it shatters the screen.

Sighing, he crawls out of his little nest of blankets and decides it’s time. He’s been procrastinating enough; he’s done nothing for the past two weeks and it’s getting to his head.

His plan to tell Roxanne started out sounding like the only resort to fixing him and his dumb extraterrestrial make-up, but he’s been pushing it off since he got home the last time he broke out of prison. Who knew he could really raise some hell by simply doing nothing.

Roxanne has made few appearances on television since her last kidnapping. Sadly enough, due to his absence, she had little to do (at least, to the public eye). She was the main reporter, focusing on Metro City’s star inhabitancies. Metro Man had nothing much to do besides helping little old ladies or getting cats from trees—not worthy of making an emergency announcement on the news.

And since he hasn’t seen her, he’s going into such a stump he’s made several near attempts to just show up at her place with no spray. How would she respond?

Well, he’d find out tonight.

He filled the invisible car up with his home-made energy source, making sure it wouldn’t run on empty. Tonight he was going out, far enough to reach the boonies.

And he wouldn’t be alone.

Megamind, unsure of how she’d react but knowing this would be practically life or death for him, grabbed a few essentials. The de-gun. Knock-out spray. Rope. You know. The usual. This had to go as smooth as possible for him to get serious with her, to assure her he’d never bother her again as long as he got this off his chest so he could wallow in misery with a peace of mind.

So, making sure she’s home with the affirmation from one of his spy-bots, Megamind packs up his things in the car and zooms out of the Lair before Minion can so much as ask “Where are you going, Sir?”

When he gets to her building, he uses a brainbot to fly him up to her balcony. She never locks it (Oh, Roxanne, I do question your sanity sometimes), so when he pushes the glass doors open, he enters a relatively quiet domain.

The lights over her tiny kitchen are on, illuminating her one-person apartment. Sniffing, and catching the remnants of her perfume, he follows it until—

“Mega—“ Before he gives her time to even finish saying his self-given name, he whips around and gives her a reasonably large dose of spray. She gasps, eyes roll up, and her body drops in a dead weight. Flinging out an arm he catches her, unable to keep his hungry eyes from the expanse of her pale, bare neck. Megamind splays his fingers across her bare, marveling at seeing her for the first time in weeks. It’s been too long.

Tonight she’s wearing civvies. A pair of dark wash skinny jeans and a white peasant blouse with little red and blue flowers along the neck and sleeves. She’s missed a barber appointment, he thinks, as her hair is exactly two centimeters longer than usual. Her hair’s also a bit damp, curling ever so slightly at the very ends. She not wearing makeup, either, letting him see all of her little brown freckles dusting her cheeks, like little stars in a milky white setting. He licks his lips.

Megamind ties her wrists and covers her mouth with a cheap duck tape. He’s never taped her mouth shut before, but for once he doesn’t want her screaming or complaining. And despite every Hollywood movie where the bad guy tapes the victim’s mouth shut, it’s very possible to remove it without the use of hands.

He carries her out bridal style, whistling for the brainbot to bring him back to the car. Once on the ground, he tucks her into the passenger seat and pulls the belt on, all before getting in himself.

And then he drives. He drives for a long time, content for the moment to sit in silence beside the soft rumble of the car’s engine.

Swerving through Metro City’s night traffic, the city lights gleaming in this never sleeping place, he keeps his head low as he goes, so stressed he finds himself clutching the wheel so hard it threatens to snap. The leather of his gloves scrunches.

They (he; she’s still knocked out) drive out of the midnight city into the rolling countryside, past the lake and past the forests. Lush green hillsides and vast farm lands. He can hear the road scratch under the car tires as asphalt turns into gravel and dirt.

After about forty minutes of driving, he can tell Roxanne is beginning to stir. Quickly, he pulls up beside a huge oak tree in the middle of no where, and void of another living soul for miles.

Well. There is a cow outside but it’s like, ten feet away minding its own business.

As the car comes to a stop, he turns the key and all is instantly quiet.

With a soft grunt, Roxanne squirms in her seat and consciousness slowly comes to. He doesn’t watch her, choosing to star at his bony knees and twiddle his thumbs. All he can hear is her movements, and his own rapidly beating heart.

“M…Mmm?” Her eyes slowly open, blinking in the dim atmosphere. Her eyes then open wider, and she looks around for the usual sights of a kidnapping. Seeing as they’re only in the car, and her mouth is taped, she abruptly begins to struggle.

“Wait!” He says frantically, trying to calm her like one would do for a wild horse. “It’s okay! This isn’t a kidnapping! Well, technically it is but it’s just us—“

“MMM!?” She starts to work her mouth through the tape in earnest, tongue visibly trying to lick at the stickiness.

“Please, wait! This is—I just want to tell you something. Something… important. I promise on my ancestors that you have full permission and more to beat me outside but… please. Just listen to me. Please, Miss Ritchi.”

Her struggling stops, and she turns to him with a suspicious glare. He bows his head, flushing in shame. She hates me.

Though she’s trapped him under an intense stare, snaring him more than he had with her, Roxanne goes still as if awaiting for whatever stupid thing he’s got to say to her.

“I… want to apologize, for my behavior two weeks ago. It was unforgivable.”

“Mm.”

“But—I… I…”

She glares harder. Ashamed of himself, he turns his stare to the dashboard.

“I love you.”

He doesn’t look up to catch her reaction, but she doesn’t respond verbally.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.” He bangs his forehead against the steering wheel with each confession, feeling all the pint up emotions in him pouring out like water from a broken dam. It burns his insides with glorious relief and bittersweet shame all at once. Yet it keeps flowing. “And I’m so, so sorry. It’s—not my choice, Miss Ritchi. I can’t help it. My b-body…Ah—s—“ he stutters, so anxious it’s close to making him piss himself. He can feel it claw at this throat, threatening tears. “My species… we d-don’t have crooches, like a human. We… fall in love. Hard. And once. Only once. Once and only with one person. And that’s it. We mate for life, like doves. Or beavers. Wolves. I-It doesn’t matter. But once the relationship is formed that’s it. Cheating or finding a second love if the other leaves or dies is purely an earthly concept. My own p-parents, they—they only had eyes for each other. Sex or romance wasn’t even a concept I understood before I met y—…. I didn’t chose you, Miss Ritchi. I didn’t want this to happen. You don’t deserve this. I’ve already turned your life into a living hell, and for that I cannot apologize enough, even onto my grave. My transgressions are unforgivable. Yet, even being here on Earth I cannot…. There is no place for me. My planet, it’s… I’m all that’s left. And Minion. I didn’t think I could possibly imprint on anyone, much less a human, in this way. Yet… I am so sorry. It’s all my fault. I should have known…”

She’s fidgeting ever so softly beside him, he hears the crinkle of the tape.

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until he takes in a staggering breath, wet tears rolling down his sharp face and trickling on his lips. Salty like the sea.

He can’t bring himself to speak again in fear of weeping like a damn baby, but he feels as vulnerable as one in the moment. Weak. Childish. Pathetic.

The car falls into a silence, with his shaky breaths and a light breeze rolling against the windows. Other than that, it’s as quiet as a void. He glances at her from the corner of his eye, and sees her staring outside at the cow as if it had done something personal to disrespect her.

They sit in silence for a long time.

“I’m done,” he suddenly says.

He hears her move around again.

“I’m… I’m done. With this business,” he gestures to himself in general, to the car, to his gun. “I mean, there are things you don’t know about. Things I’ve done behind cameras. In the underworld. I’ve committed enough sins to last multiple lifetimes over. There’s blood on my hands. Miss Ritchi. Like you wouldn’t believe. And… I’m going to give it up. I can’t keep doing this…

“This such a archaic concept for me. Aah, uh, did you know… Of course you wouldn’t… The males, sometimes even the females, of my kind have to… catch the other sometimes. To express that they feel the same way. Avoids miscommunication or misplaced feelings. My own father… had to sneak into my mother’s household as teenagers to propose to her. It’s—I didn’t even realize it until recently I was courting you! Unconsciously! I’m—God I’m so sorry, Miss Ritchi. I just need to go away. “

She lets out a muffled sound again.

“I’m moving from this place,” he looks around at the vast farmland, the dot of the city in the distance, reflected by his rear-view mirror. “Romania sounds nice. I do a lot of business over there. Lots of forests and hillsides where there’s no one for miles. I can’t bother you or anyone out th—”

Roxanne suddenly spits.

Looking over to her in surprise, he sees she has vanquished the duck tape and has rolled it up in her mouth to spit it onto the dashboard. Turning on one hip, she faces him with such a glower it chills him to the very bone.

“Don’t. You. Dare,” she hisses.

He shrinks in his seat.

“Don’t you dare drop this on me and say you’re just gonna leave!” She yells, pulling against her taped wrists. He opens his mouth to let out a string of never ending apologies, but—she’s starting to cry, he sees, much to his absolute horror. Has he truly upset her this bad? He really was a monster.

“How—you stupid, stupid man,” she cries out, and suddenly—he sees her raise her arms, still taped by the wrist, and he honestly thinks he’s about to be hit when—

She loops her arms around his big blue head and latches onto his neck, yanking him closer and making him clumsily fall onto the stick shift as—

Her mouth is on his. So hard do their mouths come together that their teeth clack, faces clashing together he barely has time to process what’s happening. Gasping, hands wild and unsure in the air as she seemingly tries to suck his soul out, but—he knows what’s happening, mildly, but a bigger part of him is convinced he’s dreaming or hit his head.

The feeling of her lips touching his, though, is electrifying. Every nerve in his body begins to sing and scream all at once, overwhelming him with a sensation override. She moans and presses closer, both of them awkward and clumsy as they clutch at the other from opposite seats. Clutched… he feels his hand involuntarily grab her waist, holding his close but terrified he’s mixing the signals. It feels so so so good, though, and—

She pulls away before he can even realize he was responding back, albeit unsurely. Arms locked around his neck, he mentally curses himself for tying her up. But. It felt like the thing to do at the time.

“You listen to me you son of a bitch,” she viciously spats. “You come to my place, ten’o’freakin’clock at night, and tell me you love me only then to say you’re leaving? What the actual hell!?”

He attempts to pull back, hide in his shell, run away from her furious reprimand, but his neck is still trapped by her arms. Shit. Really a bad decision to tie her up. The alien’s prepared to say something, anything, to show how much of a lowly creature he is in her light, but all that comes out of his throat are choked warbles and whimpers. “I—“

She sniffles.

He meets her eyes in surprise to see two glassy blue orbs meeting his. Frantically, he try to console the weepy female by nervously patting her back. “Ah—M-Miss Ritchi—“

“You were such an A-hole,” she says, sobbing. “Megamind, for once you were actually cruel. It scared me.”

“Oh, oh my dear—No, no, my sweet, no! I wasn’t—“ he swallows. “I wasn’t trying to be cruel. I was just frustrated. With myself. With my instincts. I—if I behaved any less I would have made a fool of myself.”

“Well, you already did that by yelling at me, you cabbage.”

“I-I’m sorry.”

“You made me feel like a whore the last kidnapping.”

He remembers that dress she wore. Wine red, rimmed in black. His... comment to it. Megamind bows his head and clenches his whole body. “I am sorry.”

“And you made me worry about you. I haven’t seen you in weeks.”

Confused, he looks up at her. Roxanne then pulls at her arms and lets him go from between them. Gesturing with her wrists, he catches her drift and pulls out his trusted butterfly knife and whips it out, glad to have something to do with a tool he’s familiar with. Nothing else felt familiar; alien and strange.

As the plastic finally rips away, her skin safe from his sharp little friend, she wraps her hands around his neck and yanks him to her again. Eyes wide, he numbly feels her kiss him a few quick, consecutive times before—

She slaps him in the chest.

He’s nearly got a concussion from how bad the whiplash is.

“Is it true?” Roxanne demands. He’s unable to speak. “Is it true? Do you love m—“

“Yes. Yes, I love you. A million times over.”

This little woman shakes her head, eyes glistening with something he can’t begin to understand. He feels like he’s drowning, with a weight tied to his feet to prevent him to swimming to the surface. He can't breath. She then grabs onto his shoulders. Shaking her head again, she says, “Then don’t go to Romania. Don’t leave Metro City. This place is our-your home.”

“Miss Ritchi, I can’t… stay around you anymore,” his voice breaks. “I can’t without—“

Her lips are on his again.

Shocked, but rapidly trying to learn this new skill she’s apparently trying to teach him, he responds as best he can. Periwinkle blue to unpainted pink, their lips press against each other, seining the warmth and the wet of the other’s mouth. He once saw this activity between lovers an unsanitary and strange thing, but now he understands its meaning. His lips are quite sensitive, and this kissing sets his body to flame, scrambling towards something he can’t seem to catch.

When she pulls away, he follows her, not wanting this connection to end. A tiny bead of saliva snaps between them as their lips depart.

“For such a genius, you can be unbelievably dense.” She cups his face. “I love you Megamind."

What.

"God, I love you. And your behavior, this month—I thought you’d finally lost it. Or just got tired of me.”

His first instinct is to respond yes, yes he has lost it, completely and utterly, but—

“You—you what—“

Roxanne shakes her head again, this time smiling so wide that it nearly reaches her ears, all pearly whites on display for him. She lets him go, finally, letting him think straight. Which is bad because his brain runs in about five hundred directions. Blinking rapidly to disperse the tears in her wet lashes, she continues with, “I’m glad you told me this. Because—I was considering on moving as well.”

He jolts in his seat.

“I sometimes get job offers in other places. This time… I had an offer in Liverpool.”

“Leeverpul!? What’s can you find in Leeverpul?”

“I like the British accent. And it’s far, far away from here.”

Hapless, he stares at his knees.

“Hey,” she pulls him out of his stupor. “Look at me. That’s better. Now. That stuff you said about… imprinting on me? Is that true, too?”

“All of it,” he breaths.

Roxanne nods her head and leans back against the leather seats. “Then listen to me. I love you with all of my heart. I have for a long time, Megamind. So it hurt me, so, so much with how much of a dick you were suddenly turning into. You may as well have stabbed me in the heart.” He winces. “And then you just up and vanished. Gone. Everyone is talking about you!”

He can’t believe what she’s saying. It’s nothing like he ever imagined happening in any probable outcome of this. She… actually… returned his feelings? What??? What witchcraft is this!? He really must’ve bumped his head hard!

“I... know. I see the news. I see my lack of an appearance in the public eye has given you less work… Ah, are you sleeping better?”

She looks at him in confusion.

“You were always falling asleep.”

Roxanne lets out a loud sigh. “I know… I know…”

“Why.” It isn’t a question.

“I always thought you were just a bit ol’sweetheart that grew up on the wrong side of the law. I fall in love with you a little harder every time you goof around like that. I hate that you’re always destroying something or trying to start a fight, but it was a little endearing.” She lets out another loud exhale. “And then you started acting like I was shit under your shoe.”

“N—!“

She raises a hand, and he immediately goes silent.

"So I started drinking. Tried to drink the pain away. But that doesn't work," her voice breaks a bit.

He wants to bang his head against the wall.

“And I hate that you dragged me out here,” she motions toward the countryside. “You don’t have to ship yourself off to God knows where, but stopping the kidnapping would be nice. Even if it’s apart of your… culture.”

“Whatever-Whatever you desire," he swears reverently.

“What I desire,” she says, placing a hand on his knee, “is for you to take me home.”

He nods, expecting that answer.

“And I want you to come up with me. We’re gonna have a talk.”

“O-kay...?”

Suddenly she leans over again and presses his lips to his cheek. With his breath hitching, because its still a lovely, foreign feel to him, she adds, “And then I’m going to show you how much I love you, too.”

“W—“

“I know you, Megamind. I can see it in your face. Now. Take us home, sweetheart.” She kisses his lips again.

This time he knows what to do, and copies her actions better than before. It feels like fireworks.

He’s glad he told her.

[taintedxtasy]

Take a look at this picture. Especially the one circled. (Me) look at the piece of shit I am. This was my perfect ex girlfriend who I cheated on and hurt. I wasnt talking to 1, 2, 3, 4 who knows how many. I'm a monster and deserve this pain I currently am in. I deserve to feel this torment and agony and dread. Anger towards myself and hate. The burning desire to harm myself. I was already a mess and hated myself. And I perfectly gave myself yet another reason to hate me and do more harm. Mentally I'm so fucked up and gone, it's better she left when she did and I be alone I think I'm truly mad. Why did I do what I did? Couple reasons none any legitimate ones. I'm a terrible human being. It's just something I grew up with another part me becoming like my terrible father. He always told me and bragged that whores dont count ever, the amount of times he and I would do cocaine together and get drunk and him pay for these girls to just fuck us and have everyone with a wife or baby mom join in with no remorse and do what we did conditioned me I guess. I paid the price my playing myself, my friends same logic. So what did I try to do? Whores dont count. Oh they do and I boy did I get what I deserve. Why did I do this to myself, why did i want to do that and ruin what i had. I made myself heartbroken. I made a girl who cared about me so much lose all faith and trust. And here I am now alone as ever before if not more and I sit here. Contemplating what's life worth anymore I've already come to realize I'm not meant for relationships I cant be faithful so I wont have a family of my own. So why live? Hmm why julien what's the reason to keep going. To own a house and pay bills for the rest of my life? Just be in my house by myself. What's the fucking point anymore of living and doing shit. I'm just going to be alone. I hate myself for what I did, no apologies no words can ever take back the trust lost. Nothing can ever amend the pain i made her feel. I shot myself in the foot with this one metaphorically when I I should have just shot myself in the fucking head in real life. I wasted her time, her heart, her energy I wasted everything of hers. And I got everything I deserved. I just want it all to end. Yeah I know people will say oh it gets better keep going on blah blah blah. But let's be fucking real, it doesn't get better, I get to live in my misery I caused, why live life to just pay Bill's I see no point in going for a career. I really really much rather save the guap for a nice pistol and end this. But oh I know I'm meant to suffer for this, I know. Theres just really no fucking reason to keep going on anymore. There isnt. I had everything I wanted and like all foolish monsters before me, I allowed my inner greed and lack of respect tear all of it away from me. I guess life is like the movies, if you do bad enough you suffer lost and soulless. I wonder if each day my manic depression will get worse and I just accumulate more and more episodes per day. What a glory it is to try and keep your composure in public and with family or friends while your very insides eat and burn away everything from you. And me being me I add fuel to the flame for I must suffer I have to feel the most pain I can to pay for my actions. I'm sorry for everything I did to you Tiana. I know you'll never forgive me, or accept what I say. Because as i said there is no reason good enough there is nothing to say I never said this because I'm embarrassed to, I'm ashamed of myself. I just wish i didn't do it i was a better man and could still be with you. Nothing i ever say could instill trust into me. But I just want to fix what I did, and be with you. To have life instilled into me agian. I wanted to build so much with you. I'm just such a mess and a madman I know it. I have to be alone by myself. I'm not meant for anyone. I hate myself so much Julien. Suffer......

[askaboutmyaccent]

journal entry: 11/22/2017, 5:43 PM

i woould like to go on the record and make a public apology to my support team. i.e. friends, family, etc. i have not been myself lately, i have not served as a good example for anyone other than my misery. 'woe the fuck is me' who am i? this state has been an embarrassing display of a self-loathing ingrate who fails to acknowledge the actual gold of his condition. glitter has blinded my vision and hindered the light from flooding through my blinds most days the clouds dont even show themselves to me yet theres this muggy look on my face lately as if i were the one with the real dilemmas i'll be honest and admit that most issues that i complain about come in the form ofa song thats been long outdated shit, i dont even know the words tomost songs now, yet im suppose to expect others to regard my word as something worth holdiing onto. I deleted my twitter today, i usually do so in times like this, but idk social media hasn't really been for me for awhile now, i need to get my life together theres this exert from Rick and Mort that is tickling me right now Morty: get your shit together, i don't care what you do with it, take it to the shit store or something. I dont care what you do with it but get it together... it went something like that, but im only taking in advice like that from here on out, who the fuck cares about your little problems man, people are seriously fearing for their lives on a daily basis worried about which direction a bomb might get dropped on them and im sad because im alone. i always said this world wasn't for me, but i got the biggest mouth that i know so maybe i should take advantage of that shit so someone with the same interest as my mother can help me put her in a really nice house that sh deserves, and a really clean ride that she's entitled to. man my friends put up with my bullshit so much, im so glad Wes called me to tell me that I was a bum ass nigga with that 'no challenge' shit because im real life taking this bum shit too seriously. im the only cat i know who tried to make an occupation out of being a fucking troll here, a PSA to all my niggas. Don't pick up the phone don't respond to me or none of that, not until i can show y'all something worth talking about. i'm over talking about sad shit some of these women had me convinced that they were the vain of my existence but actuality of the situation is i busted one too many nuts in some sheets that probably never got washed. so many people have said that i haven't been the same since i got back home, that shit is rolling up on three years bro. THREE FUCKING YEARS! the truth is i dont feel guilty anymore. women do such a good job at making you feel invaluable, but how bad am i suppose to feel thinking back at how many nights you crawled into my bed so you could keep warm at night? yeah im black, i got a big dick my nigga, but my heart cold ass fuck i aint giving no bitch no more hand outs, mark my words, the next time a shorty tryna see me, she gonna have to buy some shit out of my store because we on that now... I gotta go apologize to my mom, for making her sad and shit. I know this is informal but this is probably what people mean about me changing. I want to get back to that jazzy aesthetic because that that fly guy everybody can't get enough of ...I've been on that Thelonius Monk mental, but let me conjure up some Giant Steps that'll take me back to that Coltrane. God, thank you for friends who tell you how shitty you are on some 'no challenge' shit. let's get back to basics here, the interent is a joke, and will continue to be a joke under my own name. My rand is what will get me traffic, so until it's established, no one fuck with me. school is garbage but imma finish because my mom deserves to have a son to brag about , and i want to flaunt her off like thats GOLD! I love my friends, Kaya, Frijol, Ary my mentors Akeem and Asante, my Pops (especiacially) and my aunties, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, fuck that nigga Kenneth, but thats enough hate. Y'all go be better than like 10 people you know, ya dig, cause im almost done cleaning my room and once it's actually tidy, it's a wrap!

end log

[desiror]

My Letter To You

From day one you caught my eye You made me crazy but i never tried Cuz my homie was talkin shit constantly So i rejected you unconsciously And kept my feelings to myself Till i find the strength to tell you how i felt By the end of sec 5 Ive dated a couple girls, and you a couple guys But none of them are even comparable To these feelings that are unbearable Fuck it, im gonna tell you i got too Im about to, till my bestfriend calls dibs on you... First semester and were closer than ever Were both dating others, but were always together You're in love with this guy, guess i gotta stay as a friend I put my emotions aside, till your relationship ends That was the plan, till you say you had feelings for me before What the fuck man, now i just love you even more... Im still with her, and you're still with him I have no other choice but to keep my emotions hidden It was all workin till one day Your boyfriend moved far away I figured i couldnt miss another opportunity To make this finally just you n me For the first time, we chilled outside of college At this point, my feelings for her have abolished It all happened when we went clubbing Holding your hand, our bodies touching Sparked the feeling ive always been searching for The one that confirmed my heart is yours One day we got high, and you came over You were having a bad vibe, so i gave you my shoulder Suddenly my heart start ed to beat Faster than when you pop ecstacy We started gettin touchy, then things got out of hands No time to think, our hands are down eachothers pants Felt so overjoyed when i woke up I felt happier then when i smoke up Cant stop smiling, im so in love It felt like a dream, for sure it was You even said that you love me, it cant get better We talked about us in the future, being together No regrets, but it does feel wrong Ive been waiting for this so long Now theres no way i can stay with her I put it to an end, didnt expect it to feel so bitter I feel heart broken, this is so hard But the thought of our future, fixes my heart No interest in other girls, im just waitin You're my first priority, i aint playin Imma help you through it, no problem You asked about my feelings for her, how i stopped em I didnt say, but girl you're the answer I thought of how happy ill be with you after I know we said we'd both take our time But baby you're always on my mind Whats also on my mind is the fact That you're the one fighting for his stupid ass Yet you keep telling me how much you hate him Then why dont you drop him? Stop debatin Damn, it felt like years but its finally ova You gonna be so much happier baby imma show ya The only thing right now in my head Is to make you the happiest girl, till the day im dead But theres only one thing that i ask Please baby, dont go back to your past.. i held you tight in my arms and felt you cry I said to you alright just forget this guy You answered no, i cry because im scared to lose you Im so lost tho, howd this even come up to you? You just broke up and thats what you have to say I cant let you use me to get over him this way Exams are keeping me busy, i cant be there all the time You're going through a lot you gotta keep yourself occupied But the way you resorted to is worse Partying and doing drugs till you're out of this universe But as long as i know you're gonna be there for me When summer comes, "this"ll all just be in your memory We havent spoken to eachother in a long time Just sittin here, waiting for you to become mine I hear about you through a friend of ours So what you do now is tinder and get nailed for hours?! I been shaking all day but thats not even why I feel like everything you ever said to me was just a big lie I thought i was addicted to smoking cigs Until i realized what a real addiction is Just the thought of you gives me the worst shakes Quitting got me trembling, but you give me earthquakes The smoke stops the flow of my blood when i grow old But you just froze my blood and made it go cold Right now i cant feel nothing else but hatred I thought we had something but i guess you faked it You were scared to lose me as a friend But in the end you lost all of me cuz now im dead i cant belive you went back to the person you were I knew it was gonna happen, i shouldve backed out sooner You lied to me, and fucked me over bad But for real, thats not what got me this mad Im angry at the fact you didnt say nothing I guess while i was waiting you thought i was gone or something Cuz you didnt even say we werent gonna happen You left me to wait, while you were with other guys laughin I havent yet told you whats on my mind We havent been alone in a long ass time You act like nothing ever happened and it kills me So much hatred inside, seeing you just fills me But i cant stop myself from seeing you Losing you would be worse than us being through Alright so were gonna act like nothing happened But dont expect me to be often laughin And dont you fuckin dare say that it meant nothing "Not like i had feelings for him we were just fucking" Bitch ill fuckin kill you why you doin this shit Stop lying, everything that comes out of you is fiction I expected you to fall before we be together But then i thought youd rise and be with me forever But thats where i fucked up thinking this through Cuz instead of only "this" in your memory, you put me too I dont want to believe that im just some other guy But i am, once again i fell for another lie Were going out for a birthday, i got a lot of shit to say I havent seen you in days, but i wont say it today Cuz i need to speak to you once were alone So lets just enjoy this night like we did a long time ago Im looking for other girls but you're the only one i see While you're with other guys, grinding behind me Grinding was fine but now you're hookin up I keep drinking but i dont think i took enough All i see is you constantly kissing him I just wish it was me i guess im missing it And to worsen it you bring him with us all night Being all cligny next to me, how can you think this is alright? Every once in a while i get a message from you "I miss you homie", but you never come through If i say it back ill be the only one to mean it And that i know for a fact so i wont repeat it Im trying to scar but you keep coming back to press On this wound that you inflicted as you left For some reason i was still hopin youd become mine But now you have a boyfriend im fully done tryin You said you didnt wanna start over with a new guy "I want someone im close to" bitch you lied Dating a dude you just met i dont understand Am i not exactly what you want according to wut ur sayin Its like you enjoy putting yourself in misery Ill never understand i guess itll stay a mystery You left me once again for a random dude Im done thinking of this im changing my attitude Im done suffering bitch finally this pain's over Im done waiting bitch now its game over -Anonymous

[even-if-it-kills-me1-blog]

I dont wanna die like this

Everyday I get closer and closer to ending my goddamn shitty life. I hate that writing on here is my only outlet for the way I feel. People pretend to care but its all fake. Always. I’m always there for everyone else but when I truly need someone theyre a fuckin ghost. Nobody understands the shit I feel. Im afraid to open up because I get called dramatic or a crybaby. People wonder why others are suicidal, its because everyone is close minded and doesnt care about anyone but themselves. You cast judgements and it makes people like me afraid to say shit. I always used to think I was a great person but now all this shit keeps happening to me and I think if I was such a good person why do bad things keep happening to me? I dont know what I did to deserve the pain and misery I feel everyday. I give and I give and everyone just takes and for once I just want someone to reciprocate the things I do. But all im good for is being used. Theres nothing I wouldnt do for all of my friends and sadly im always forgotten. Im losing my best friend and its killing me. I feel like Im losing everyone and Im trying so hard to hold on to the ones I love but I feel like they just want nothing to do with me. Its so fucking hurtful to feel this way. I have severe PTSD and Im trying so hard to make it through the days but I feel like theyre numbered at this point. I blame myself for everything and It feels like I punish myself for others mistakes and I dont know why I do that.  I wish I could express what having depression, anxiety and PTSD feel like to people who have no idea how it feels. Im consistently tired. I used to self harm all the time when I was younger and I made it over a year without it and I ruined that some time ago and the feelings are creeping back into my head again. I hate saying I want to die but its true. And I always thought when I died it would be from old age, when Im happy and satisfied with all I’ve  accomplished. I want to die happy, not like this. I feel doomed to eternal sadness. If its not one problem its another and I cant remember the last time I just felt relief. Its not enough to just keep my head above water, i want to fucking breathe. I want it all to go away. These are supposed to be the best years of my life and instead theyre being wasted on sadness. I let people break my fragile heart all the time and its so fucking shitty that Id rather let people break my heart and be happy then myself be happy. Im at a crossroads. I try to please everyone and I just want everyone to love and care for me but I realize that its impossible to force people to care the same way I do. I feel so crazy in my head. Shits not right up there. One bad thing happens to me and im just ready to jump off the ledge. I want to get better. I want my mind to be at ease. I wish I could find true happiness within myself. Maybe its in there, somewhere. Or am I just a lost cause? Ive successfully isolated myself from my mother, the one person who loves me. Why? because i cant stand to tell my mother that her baby wants to end the precious life that she took so long to create. My mother is such a beautiful person inside and out. shes the strongest person I know. Shes a literal angel. I wish i valued her more when I was younger. Shes always right and knows whats best. If i tell her this stuff ill be locked away in a psych ward. I long to break down and just spill my guts and let her know it all but I never will. I refuse to put that woman through anything more than she already has. She doesnt need this kind of stress. Theres another person too, that I long to care for me. But they are so unpredictable and flighty and selfish. Again, I refuse to accept that and keep trying because when I love someone, im incapable of stopping loving them. My mind may be done but my heart never is. And i hate that about myself. This person can come around and show me love once or twice then treat me like utter shit the majority of the time and I just keep coming back for more abuse because I love them. They drive me me crazy and I wish I could just for once say im done but when I do get that attention from them all that anger fades away and I build myself up to get hurt again. its excruciatingly painful and i hate it. But will I walk away? probably not. So here I am. baring my emotions to tumblr with not a single person listening. Its comforting yet haunting at the same time.  I sound like a pathetic little baby I know. I hate it. But this is me trying to work through everything Im feeling and sometimes I think it helps to just write it all down, even if it sounds crazy or weird. Writing has always been the outlet. It feels satisfying seeing the words in my head written down. 

[arielkrupnik]

The Holy Babble

God evening, all Welcome yourselves Welcome to the revelations against me. See my identity, make ruin of your focus - Damage needs to be done to find out how it can be prevented This greatest idea, started by sounding stupid Dont let being smart stop you from doing what you love the most

Swallow your pride, and bite off more than you can chew Follow your dreams Swallow your nightmares Dont be me with more nightmares than ideas to use. Its better to see your dreams with eyes open In a dream, I saw a long line of chains; a string of events yet to commence 

Everything we do is an anagram for what we are not doing Every step forward is a step taken in circles round and round it goes, where it'll stop, no one knows Inner darkness travels faster than that of the speed of outer light Now its the light at the end of the tunnel thats just light to the un'train'ed mind But basing life on visuals is not an option I lost the vision I saw for miles I saw so far, no good You wont get anywhere, unless you're from out of nowhere My life came in too fast to live to just miss the opportunity to better myself Being the fool is the crime If I died, I'd be the last to know I can never die if Im living the way I supposed to Living is on my side - This body of work, is very much alive And behind that door number one, my life is potent misery to any who knows it Looking on the bright side is portrayed in a bad light and are we not already? We flaunt excellence, and flaunt flare in the faces of those who dont (have it) Beauty may only be skin deep to be a prisoner to its host You can almost hear this jailhouse rock, this heartless heartthrob Here in heartache/heartbreak heaven, the body is an asylum for criticism thats in constant outbreak In'securities make up the worst bodyguards Our judgment days make daises Its the end of the world for anyone who cares.

Now its easier to get boredom than freedom It never gets old to the inventor, and less old to all if made right So think outside the box, after you are coffin'edA coma karma, is highly inspire-y

The confines of a coffin like a crystal ball - You can see your future in it! What can happen eventually will Laughter cant last forever No one can stay saved. When dreams are too much of a dream come true, these dreams dont seem to Dreams are just numbers on fingers you cant count on If all my dreams came true will you come to? This is not for the rose-hearted I wont revive from her beauty I succumb to defeat before I succumb to the task Its the leading cause of death to bad writers Am I not already them? This mistaken confidence, is me I give you sad is fiction! They all forget the one who remembers all; its why they are forgettable Don't regret what you cant remember Bless me for loving everyone but help me for thinking that way I love more than Im made to I am one with forgiveness I never had an enemy who wasn't already once a friend Behind every back are the worst of them; friends I cant believe there are more people against me who aren't in my head I need people I could trust, not friends I wouldn't take a bullet for them unless I was pulling the trigger There are more guns than people in the room These people are gonna haveta shoo or shoot! Double U, oh, double U It doesn't bother me that they kill, it bothers me that they don't feel bad doing it At least difficulty is my only ificulty War is only over when its overrated Losing beats boredom Dreams will eventually be boring Time will heal everything but its loss. Theres no time to find a shadow and are we not already shadows? Worse drug I ever took was a time capsule Taken with a grain of salt Eris Quod Sum - I am what you will become As if taken by pantomime pills Life imitates art into a tortured portrait of an artist You can choose any color you want for it as long as you pick black A gloomy overcast is yours to have You could put it on paper and get rid of it,

but why hurt the paper? I'd rather bash my head in with this writers block, extract the pulling juice, grab the bullshit by the horns! Anythin else would be sugarcoating a diabetic truth The only worse lie than hate is love Now its the only boyfriend of no girlfriend being the only me I'll ever think of, descended from which all of heaven originated from His is a life heavier than most imagined Such shimmerility See the world through reimagining A mass collection of obsession oddifacts Calm cools been collected. If no one can accept me for me, then there can be no such thing as a positive me We engineer the surround sound stereo'types We welcome the revolution against me This world war tour ends now A man who stands for nothing does not stand I drank hell from high water Theres hell to pay and everybody owes me Im not saying I am the devil, but I sure as hell wont deny it Tampering with 'heaven' cant get you OUT of trouble but it sure as 'hell' can get you IN When all else fails, bail And for my next trick, Im gonna make my soul disappear I say piss to this mortal life! I came to leave Dreams make you more than a person And are we not already very legendary? Sleep and the world sleeps with you Make a peep and you sleep alone Be it peace, love, and all thee above, the everything and not, some ends come sooner than others "The end cant come sooner enough" He talks in silence, he speaks just like he's God Now its a wonderful underworld He's in a better place now.