#theres nothing to be scared of anymore
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watching this blog come together is kind of wild
like I would actually perish at this point if it disappeared bc I've put so much work into it
#i can very confidently say that i have never really understood what it meant to “feel like myself again”#i killed off so many worse versions of myself i thought there was nothing left#but truly#i am writing again; and have found so much passion in an art i used to indulge in constantly#im making art that i actually enjoy and dont think is complete shit because of my inability to conquer traditional media the way i want to#I FUCKING COSPLAY WITH MY PARTNER#and indulge in anime/manga pretty consistently#that is something i used to get made fun of for by someone who was supposed to be a parent#it took me a very long time to not feel stupid in cosplay#sometimes i still do#but IM DOING IT!!!#even if its not amazing#or i look like shit#or my art looks like shit#or my writing is shit#at least im fucking DOING something#pushing towards goals#practicing#every step i take is a step in the direction i want to be in#i am enough#i am allowed to take up space#ive seriously got this#theres nothing to be scared of anymore#the only thing that i continue to struggle with is my own mental and physical illness#but i am learning and adapting more and more every day#IM FORGETTING HOW TO HATE MYSELF I SAVED MY OWN LIFE#yapping
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#the rational part of me knows that everything will be okay but it's getting there thats always the hardest. so many big changes have been#happening recently and. fuck. i dont like what my life is becoming. i try my best to keep it together but god it's hard sometimes#i feel so. stupid. am i even worth anything? I'm just tired. i havent been doing anything to deserve to be tired but i am#i wish i could be better. i wont get into the details and i know this sounds like I'm losing my shit but god theres just so much happening#and I'm being crushed by this pressure and the scariest part is that maybe theres nothing even to be scared about. maybe this is just me#being fucked up and a scared little kid that was never quite good enough just like always. i was gonna get back to playing my game but ive#just been here for the past hour staring into space and crying. i tried to read a book but even that made me cry too-#what a fucking life huh? i dont know anything anymore. everything i know is changing and idk how to deal with it all#ive never felt so.. worthless. i just want a break. this is mostly just about academic pressure since thats what really set me off tonight#but everything else too.. god i'm so.. fucked. i put on this brave face because I'm in a position where ive been so isolated for so long#that i dont even have people to talk to about my problems anymore. when did it get to the point where i have all these friends in name but#thats all? when did i get so far from everuthing#when did it all fall apart? when did i become this stupid?#and ofc all this fucking jazz leads to the eventual 'my f/o wouldnt love a girl like me theyd go find someone else + leave' bullshit. sigh.#I'm fucking tired man. no one has to comfort me or message me or anything. I'll be fine and honestly I'm glad i was just able to get it out#(even if i can't share details obviously) I'm just.. at a point in my life where I'm confused. adulthood is hard man..#anyways i think I'll get my shit together and play more y.akuza now! the crying has sorta stopped lmaoo i think I'm on chapter 12 of 0 now?#very fun! I'm having fun.#negative#vent#ash rambles 💚#technically-#ahem. yeah. getting it all out felt good. maybe this hellsite is worth smth after all LMAAAOOO
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#sorry ranting again but#tw weight#i shouldn't eveb have checked my weight yesterday#i feel so disgusting doing anything today#like everything that i generally donr associate w weight is now reminding me like oh youre doing your daily walking but ur still overweigt#i cannot do anything normally without thinking about it#and its been so long since i hated myself this much this is so annoying#im scared whike filling uni forms because i think oh they will reject you cuz youre fat#even though it has nothing to do w my appearance at all#i didn't feel like cleaning my room today but then i was like oh youre ugly and disgusting at the same time ??? atleast clean your room#im trying to reason w myself but it's just not working#i skipped class today but i have to go tomorrow and im so scared cuz i dont really have friends there#but theres some nice girls i talk to once in a while and they have told me things like 'youre so pretty' 'i love your hair' etc#and i know because i usually do well in mock tests and dont annoy anyone... nobody really hates me#theyre pretty chill#but im still like oh these guys are gonna laugh at me or talk like did you see her today she couldn't have gotten worse#thankfully our break time bw classes is shorter now so i wont be eating during break because i always refuse when someone else offers me#i think the one girl i do share food w and talk to quite often is skipping tomorrow so im extra scared#i dont eveb know anymore#og
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i dont think theres a single thing in my life im not tired of anymore. i dont feel like doing anything and im sick to my stomach of everything ever
#i live day after day going through all daily activies i can do#and being sick of all of them#i dont want to sleep i dont want to eat#i dont want to talk to people anymore. i dont want to draw anymore#im fucking sick of social media#i get bored and try to distract myself but all youtube videos are boring ive heard every song on my playlist and im sick of all of them#i want to leave my house but theres nothing to do outside and no place to go#i want to buy a snack or something fun for me but the number on my bank account keeps going lower and lower everyday#im scared of running out of money and starving again#but i havent finished the commission i got ages ago and im too burnt out from drawing to get new ones#i hate everything and everyone everything makes me angry and i get mad even at my friends#im sick im tired its like i havent felt actually good about anything in ages#i am in some kind of fucked up torture chamber purgatory losing any sense of self every second#god.
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Slept through most of the afternoon when i shouldve been finishing this fucking asigment i'm so fucking tired still i can barely keep my eyes open.
#ugh just a week and a half i just gotta survive a week and a half#should i drink a whole beer and see if that helps. ot wont but. uhg#vent#i wanna die i rlly wanna die im so tired and i dont even want classes to be over cuz i dont wanna go to my hometown#theyll ask me how ive been and ill have to act like ive not been thinking of killing myself for moths because of this#everyone is so proud of me for studying out of my hometown and living on my own. but im barely a person anymore#i dont think i can even show them my art. its all about my obsession with gore and death i cant fucking. i cant do it#i cant do it i really cant do it anymore but i have to i fucking have to theres nothing i can do other than just suffer through it#i cant go back home ill kill myself for real if i do. i cant be in that fucking city ill just be scared all the time#im scared now just from thinking of bumping into this one fucking idiot bitch motherfucker#killing myself#sui mention
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Oh ok yeah it checks out that on the one day I felt the most normal that I can feel myself approaching another panic attack
#i just want to go back to fucking normal so bad#and i cant get help for another week so. im just. stuck like this#i dont know what to do i cant just keep bothering my friends#not when ive been having these horrible episodes of intense dread that have been lasting for hours#it has been the only thing plaguing me its the only thing i talk about#i just feel so alone theres nobody that can help me#i just have these horrible thoughts go through my head and i end up either having a panic attack or emotional breakdown#i just want to be fucking diagnosed and be done with it#i cant take this anymore#everyone at work and home are sick of me#ive had to leave work early on accounts of panic attacks#and at home i do nothing but hole myself up in my room and feel this deep sense of dread paralyse me#im just. so. so scared all of the time#tw // vent
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rehgka;lwglsegs
#no more fucking shame#im gonna write the most self indulgent mary sue fucking bullshit and have this be what I WANT i dont care anymore im gonna stop being#so fucking scared and just DO IT i DONT CARE I DONT CARE WHT MY BRAIN TRIES TO TELL ME ANYMORE#PEOPLE WHO LIKE ME AND MY CONTTENT LIKE ME AND THOSE THAT DONT JUST DONT#THERES NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT AND IM GONNA BE FUCKING FINE AND OKAT WITH THAT#GGGWWERAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH I DONT CARE ANYMORE#IM JUST VJSUEIHDIGHHGSEUIGHSUKGHES AARRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH STOP BEING SCARED YOU LITTLE PUSSY ASS BITCH STFU STIPUD BRAIN
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Well fuck they can't remove the tumor in Bezi so it's pretty much a death sentence. The only hope is that her meds will stop the growth completely and she lives a month or 3 at best...
She's fine now, will talk to the vet a bit in like an hour and see what are the options. But the surgeon who called me to inform me abt all this told me not to get my expectations very high
#i just#i really had hope#i will have to have her put to sleep when she cant have a good quality of life anymore#it fucking scares me#i love her shes so innocent shes such a little child...#I swear that if it could help her I'd give her my organs I'd give her some of the years I have left#I'd kill and I'd steal and I'd do ungodly things#and yet i cant!!! theres nothing to do. nothing.#do you have any idea? how it feels?#im not being dramatic when i said i love my rats like a mother loves her children#and now I find out my little angel is not going to grow old#i wanna rip my throat out cause jt hurts from howling like a dying animal#i wish i could die for her#shes just a baby shes not lived even half of her life#as much as other rats dying did hurt. none were still babies. none acted like a baby. they all were grown up and all#and shes just a little innocent angel with funny eyes. who loves to play and kiss me and run around jumping up and down. silly#i feel like im gonna throw up its just a nightmare#i had so much hope this cant be real. please
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i hate that duality that your mind can be your safe heaven that helps you get through some difficult things, keeps you going and brings you happiness at the worst of times. and at the very same time it could be your worst tormentor that won't let you rest and won't let you breathe, literally for no particular reason at all. and you can't leave or silence it. can't get it to stop when it gets dark in there. can't get the light in when you desperately need to feel a respite instead of suffocation.
#its so difficult#sometimes its too much to handle#yeah particularly today im just.. screaming internally#and the inability to do something YOU LOVE due to your brain having one of those bad days so everything feels fucking BAD is just so unfAIR#its frustrating#the only thing you can do is sob apparently#my room doesnt feel like my room anymore all i feel is fear and dread#i just dont understand why and how it came to this point i want out#nothing grounds me to reality or to my normal state and im afraid#instead of watch fav movie to get better ill count the duration time and decide thats its too long i dont have that much time#i will be painfully aware of numbers and wb scared of them and then ill just not move at all immobilized at place#i cant#all i could do is desperately bother my friends trying to connect to them and hiding that obvious ache#i dont have capacity to soothe myself with my favorite guys and gals from games and movies i dont feel anything at all#and i hate that but also i cant do anything im so idk what i feel like but like im not anything#i lost myself i lost my favorite things to do and my hobbies and my spark and everything i dont even know anymore#on small bad days you could conjure a good thoughts and watch somethinf and think about what makes you happy#theres a void in my head now that just counts and counts and counts and cant do nothing#i will just open up a chat w friends and look at empty textspace i want to connect so badly but i wont send anything just freeze still#i dont feel that im in here but i want badly to be here and yet i cant grasp anything to still keep myself real#and like i have a feeling that in next 2 hours I'll just vanish spmething bad will happn carcrash orso i cantbe spendin much timeon anythin#i hate this#suddenly your brain just want you dead and fills you with dread unimaginable and my dumbass thinks that it's right#that my brain is right and im inclined to believe in this shit. im not but deep down i kind of is so thats why this anxiety causes me probl#ms for the whole week i didnt done anything i just could not i want it to stop#its so sure of itself that i will pass away in couple of hours by unknown reasons that it imagined so why even try
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it's literally them
#ignore my five minute scribbles but. it is very much the key wives#ash rambles 💚#also I forgot ash's armor but shhh. her design is pretty cool (if i do say so herself)#the main attraction is her long red coat! her and her best friend (eventually wife) are the red/blue couple#she really loves her coat! it was a gift from her adoptive dad! e.raqus!#in her first appearance she only wears one glove on her right hand#but she gets some very nasty burns on her hands while trying to save her best friend#(she fails. it really fucks her up. losing her bffs and her dad for a decade. shes all alone.)#so she has black bandages on her hands in all her appearances after b.irth b.y s.leep#it's not that the wounds havent healed—it's that she doesnt want to be reminded of how weak she is. how much of a failure she is#just a pathetic little girl who didnt deserve her title of Master anymore. she's very sad for that decade. it's bad.#eventually when she does reunite with her best friend shes scared to take the bandages off. a.qua shouldnt have to see that side of her...#a.qua tells her that theyve been best friends since they were kids. theres nothing to hide.#it's not until a.qua sees those hand scars that they begin to date. theyre childhood sweethearts! theyre very cute together!!! so gay!!#i love her sooo much! theyve got a lot of baggage with a.qua being trapped in the Realm of Darkness for a decade and Ash being all alone and#struggling with a horrible case of survivor's guilt but. they make it work. they always have ever since they were little kids.#i really like my k.h s/i!!! hope you like her too hehe! also her k.eyblade is green and red and silver and named Starfire#but yeah. red/blue couples for the win! especially when theyre a.qua/ash-#a.qua gets down on one knee a couple yrs after k.h3 and they get married a wee bit after that#their kiddo is super cool too! name is violet (she/they) and they're the coolest key kid on the block hehe!#anyways yeah. good morning-
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i need to dye my hair pink or kill myself or learn how to mashup songs or write a full musical or come out as trans to my dad or kill myself twice
#random stuff on my account like usual#mentions of suicide#is my countries father's day#me and my dad been getting along so much and he's been calling me 'son' a lot probably cuz the worlds are similar in pt (filho/filha)#but is happening super often and i really like it i hope it keeps happening#also the green side of my hair is fading into blue ao there's no point anymore ://#i mean of course still looks good but my initial concept for the hair is missing so i might just change it again#i spent last week in completely agony with a neck tension i thought it was going to explode and it was horrible nothing seemed to help#now is better i still feel a little uncomfortable and I'm still scared I'll phisicaly colapse#and today theres this thing for my sister's high school graduation with the family and there's some tension with my older sister and parents#so I'm extremely nervous about being around them
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Had a very bad day Gotta eat gravel
#had to work a shift with only one other coworker and we were in this same position last weekend too and so like last time#he had this Moment where like as we locked up he was yelling very frustratedly about an annoying customer#which is fair but lol we dont know each other well enough for him to yell and rant like that to me like i get it but#god i hate yelling and just felt like shit and wanted to die#then tonight i was legitimately kinda scared cuz uh liiike. he had a lot more little Moments#i think like some kid dropped something and it broke and he had to clean it up and he got frustrated#and like. went in the back where the custom framing shit is and there was loud banging with a hammer and glass shattering#and he went back and did this multiple times and customers heard it too and were like uhhh 😰#i was already in a bad mood coming in and this really didnt help its honestly a miracle i didnt start having a meltdown#i guess ive just had to deal with so many man babies at home that all i can do is look at them like a disappointed parent and ask if they#would like me to take them to daycare#so yeah that was fun i uh dont like this guy hes always wearing very cutesy clothes and all i can think of is the bit where its like#‘there is nothing little about your things’#also i got money problems and keep getting fast food cuz i got eating problems and theres not much here i can eat and obviously#buying food so much wastes money so i was gonna try to make a sandwich today and like we dont have half the shit needed#and the bread was moldy obviously and theres so many bugs in the house cuz ive been too busy to clean and my sister was here#and the cat is here and my mom does everything wrong and then i spilled water everywhere and everything just went wrong#im also in a horrible place mentally doing so so bad so unbelievably stressed rn#just like. im repressing very bad and literally procrastinating having feelings like everything is going so wrong but i cant feel bad#because i dont have time for that so ill feel bad later when i escape which surely will happen someday ahahaha fuuuck#dont know whats real anymore maybe ive made everything up maybe the abuse is just me being dramatic maybe im the worst child in the world
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Both my computers have given up on life and I am so sad and so very bored. Couldn't even do my full Gaia dailies, today. 😞
#fae irl#i tried to get the laptop to work at least but nope#itll run kali but wont run windows and while indonhave kali on it i dont actually have the login stuff for it#my partner put kali on there ages ago when i first got it to see if hed like to use it and then couldnt uninstall it or whatever#its been a pain in my ass ever since cause when the laptop forst boots up inonly have a few seconds to tap down to the windows system before#kali boots up by default which we also do not know how to change#and now it taunts me oh so viciously#because i dont know the login for it and its the only operating system my laptop is willing to run now#windows is claiming i have a hard drive issue on the laptop so refuses to run#spent like 5 hours doing everything i could to get it to work today with no luck#and we still dont know what exactly is wrong with my desktop either#.....im really just feeling like theres no reason for me to bother even waking up anymore asdfghjkll--#my entire life is confined to inside this apartment man#to the point my partners mom apparently looked him in the eyes and straight up told him#that my lifestyle is going to lead to early onset alzheimers lolol#(<- this is not funny at all im just lolol-ing because i dont know how else to cope with that)#its not even like i really want to live like this either man...but like??? what else is there???#im disabled and live on a big ass hill with no sidewalks and i have no money and every free space is a parking lot and you can get arrested#for loitering everywhere you go and theres nothing to do at what one park there is here if it even really counts as a park#industrial hellscape#and im not really allowed outside by myself and even if i were at this point id be too scared to go outbon my own...like...its been 5 years#...i havent been outside by myself in like 5 or 6 years now man...#and i have no friends either#im lonely and scared and bored and depressed tbh#oh well#at least i have tumblr where i can just say stuff into the void#even if it just gets lost out there
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spent like the past hour crying and panicking that this is the last time ill see them, figured out a plan to talk with them and maybe stay in touch better, then i went and looked at our messages and was reminded they're seeing someone now and suddenly its just like fuck this i dont even want to see them anymore
#i do im just scared#i would rather never see them again than have to slowly watch them drift away#i dont want to exist#5 years ago they would regularly offer to drive down to see me in the middle of the night if i needed it#and i was always to scared to accept#but right now i dont want anything else i think#i keep telling myself theres nothing wrong with me and its probs just new hormones mixed with life stress#and then i spend 3 hours panicking over a friend i barely see anymore leaving me
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SUPRISE so I made the realization as to why I've been so unproductive for so long in terms of art/photography/writing after the blog switch and so yeah ha that's nice
#so turns out being destabilized and then having to deal with multiple big issues and not talking about them at all isn't good for output#sooooooo to anyone who by any chance was waiting for anything good/interesting/with a purpose from me#theres your answer#i shouldn't have eaten ive been up for hours now#oh and also its probably a leading cause why ive just shut the fuck up about everything#because im back in the apathy of things and actually nothing makes me happy anymore so there's that#just kinda ranting here cuz i know no one will see it#but yeah so maybe someday this way of constantly being afraid of people and needing permission to exist will kill me#and ill be happy when it does because being angry/scared/empty all the time is exhausting and i swore id make it through the school year#but the school year is over now#and life is too fucking long for my tastes#yeah this is going nowhere ill go back to being silly stupid funny cal so no one has to think twice#cal rambles#tre talks
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#anyways im still mad today but its not lingering in my head like it was yesterday#thank fucking god for that lmfao#the more i think about it the more i realize that theres really no reason to be that upset bc yeah it sucks to lose#someone so close to me like that but......she was not afraid to give me red flags even when we were in a good place#and tbh this felt like a huge neon sign screaming get out while you can#and if the other girls we were friends with want nothing to do with me after this i honestly really do not care#i didnt see them often anyways and the one is basically still a teenager who drove me nuts 95% of the time#and the other 2 dont get into drama at all so i doubt they feel any type of way about me considering neither of them are that kind of person#im more annoyed that she did this right before we had plans for one of the girls birthdays and i have a feeling thats not happening anymore#i keep wanting to ask if were still doing anything but i would actually rather die than see b so..........no thank you#even if they do say anything ive already made other plans for tomorrow so......oh well#i feel so much less insane when everyone says i didnt do anything and its scaring me that i keep thinking back to the time era she accused#me of saying shit during and im like ???? i dont remember saying that. did i say that?? did i say you shouldnt have had your kid and i just#dont remember??? did i say we hang out to escape him and i just dont remember???? and all i can think of is false memories and a situation#where someone else said those things to me in that same time period. anyways i dont know why anyone would remember that specific of wording#if it wasnt to just be used as ammo later. but i genuinely dont remember saying any of that shit esp not that recently?????#and b is ungodly great at gaslighting and she also takes shit at face value and doesnt seek further info if shes not doing okay#so im just.....yeah im taking this as my sign#and to eliza from february.....bitch did i say any of that because i do not fucking remember it#self
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