#IM FORGETTING HOW TO HATE MYSELF I SAVED MY OWN LIFE

[shitpostdevil]

watching this blog come together is kind of wild

like I would actually perish at this point if it disappeared bc I've put so much work into it

[wcamino-confessions]

hello- this is HeavenlyL0rd or Cerealki113rr, whichever you know me as.

I'm coming here as well because I know people have accused me of scamming and stuff, and have been concerned about waiting long periods of time for their commissions. And for that, I want to say im genuinely so, so sorry. I will try not to deliver excuses. Because in the end there is none. I'll try to explain though. I know this has been a few days ago and I just been alerted to it, and I want to make things right. I wrote a reply there but I felt like it was a bit panicked. I've never been well with drama, however I want to own up for things.

I've always struggled with my memory. I always forget or it slips out of my mind, so I was told I should deliver updates via post and stuff to give a general update, so I don't forget. I always try to encourage people to dm me and ask for bumps because of my memory, as well as Amino or Discord spamming down notifications and I try my best to reply in a timely fashion because I hate leaving messages read but not replied to. I've asked people and on amino for advise on how to work on my memory for commissions and how I can work on getting better at them. However that's not an excuse, people shouldn't be waiting that long for commissions and in the end that falls on me for not completing them in timely fashion.

Around the end of December, beginning of January I went to the hospital for kidney failure and disease, stage 4. I received a hospital bill that was extremely high in cost, over 2,000$ with *another* hospital bill coming in, as well as I have to cover for a new kidney transplant due to me only having one kidney and ergo I will be needing a replacement. I acknowledged I had a lot of commissions to tend to, so I tried to solely focus on adoptables instead to try to save up money for my hospital bills, medication, food, etc since that is my only job. That's primarily why I can't do refunds at the moment because im struggling so much with trying to get the money to just pay off the stacking medical bills in general as well as the future kidney transplant I need to save my life.

During this, I was alerted to one of my designs being similar to a character that I made a gift for / a commission. I was horrified. I had based the character off a smug, farm cat that was a flame point. When I was told of this accusation, I reached out to both the current owner of the character design, the other characters owner, and attempted to reach the designer. I showed my references and explained myself, and agreed to change the design for the current owner so the designs wouldn't look similar (as it was primarily the colors of the designs that looked similar as well as a scarf and their tails, i believe.)

I opened commissions, primarily Warm up ones, to try to warm up for older commissions. Which, worked for a bit. I managed to complete a lot of my older commissions, however I'm aware I may be far off on completing all of them. And I tried to organize all my owed commissions both on a wiki as well as my own notes pad to complete them. I have proof that I have completed older commissions and have tried refunding / offering refunds if im unable to complete art at a certain period of times etc.

In the end, it's completely my fault that I overwhelmed myself with commissions. I take full responsibility for my wrongdoings of the long delays to complete art and such. I'm still completing commissions and working on them, I tried to post wips and stuff whenever I can.

The reason I joined art fight was because people asked me to, and I wanted a chance to practice my art. However I had stopped doing art fight to focus on my commissions a few days ago.

To those who are still waiting, I'm genuinely so sorry for it and I completely understand the anger and how upset you are. Please, I ask you to reach out to me at HeavenlyL0rd at discord (which is my primary form of communication as well as my fastest way to reply to people) as well as my amino which should be under the same label. I will be happy to 100% prioritize your commission and get it done, or I can attempt to form a refund if that's what you truly insist on. I want to set things right.

Thank you for those who read, im so sorry again and I will push myself to learn and better myself on the mistakes I did with commissions. And I will always ask for advise on how to get better with time management and commission work in general so I can improve myself.

[thenightwinggraveyard]

how i find banger fics on AO3

tips and tricks by yours truly

are you an avid ao3 reader like myself? do you ever find yourself at a loss for what to read next and unable to find anything worth your time? well worry no longer (hopefully!), because i'd like to share some ways i filter through the endless amount of fics to find ones i like;

SORT BY KUDOS

while doing this isn't foolproof and it leaves underrated fics out of the equation, it is generally a good starting point. most fics that have a lot of kudos, do so for a reason after all.

2. EXCLUDE WHAT YOU DONT LIKE

this is a feature i wasn't really utilizing until recently, but it has saved me so much effort. when your on a fandom, tag, or pairing, you can exclude whatever ticks you off and make finding a good fic easier. for example, sometimes i go on my favourite tags, like time travel, and find that it is mostlyyyy clogged up with harry potter or mha and im just not feeling it that day; well i simply exclude it.

3. MAKE NOTE OF/JOT DOWN WHAT YOU'D LIKE

what i mean by this, is whenever you think about a specific character or pairing/dynamic, fandom, etc.. during the day or when doing something else and find yourself craving that content, a good idea would be to write that down for later on your notes app or something, and specifically search for it later on. otherwise, sometimes when faced with the damning ao3 search bar you forget everything you like and your entire personality. ive certainly been there.

4. MARK FOR LATER

whenever you see a fic that you don't really feel like reading at the moment, but know you could like, you can hit the mark for later button. i find it much easier then having endless numbers of open tabs that you cant sort through.

5. SEARCH COLLECTIONS

i like to go to my favourite fics i previously read and look through the collections that have that fic saved to them and browse. i have a collection of my own where i save my fav fics if you feel like checking that out!

6. SEARCH THROUGH OTHER MEDIA

going on tiktok or tumblr and searching the #fanfiction or #fanficrec tags can be a lifesaver. better yet, when you find tumblr masterlists of recs.

7. CHECK OUT AUTHORS OTHER WORKS

this ones self explanatory; if you really like a fic, try checking out the authors other works in the case that you find them just as good.

8. ASK FRIENDS!!!

you dont no HOW much i bombard my friends by asking them for recs, and ive found some really good ones through them. you can even ask mutuals, anyone on discord if you have it, etc...

LASTLY,

9. BE PICKY

this one is a bit redundant but its something i often find myself wishing i had done earlier. if your reading a fic and something about it just isnt right for you, be that the writing style, the chracetrization, etc... don't feel like you need to continue. theres nothing wrong with just dropping shit when it gets too boring or when its not tickling your fancy, otherwise you may end up putting so much time into a work that leaves you upset/frustrated, and thats no fun. seriously, i have spent hundreds of thousands of words on fics that left me hating my life and not because of how good it was written ill tell you that.

[appatary8523]

Dumb probably negative no context rambles under the cut

Last chance, don't ruin your mood and go back

OK you wanted it this way

1.- I like STW but I usually have to get up to do things while playing (yea sometimes in FN:BR I hide in bushes to go and do some other stuff. I've barely made any progress, the game is quite complicated to me because I don't play it often and I forget what was going on? And I don't know how to use most of the mechanics of the game(? Still, the humor is funny, the gameplay might feel repetitive from time to time but I like it, I really really like it.

I also would like to have more IRL friends who play STW (or FN in general), I bet that game mode is way funnier and rewarding in squad. But nobody plays it, and I think I have no friends who play FN? Just my older brother and he has his own duo so I'm not getting in between them (?) (and he doesn't like STW so he doesn't even have access to it). There's a dude at my workplace who plays FN but no thanks, I don't like him, he's stupid (he's the it guy who can't fix a damn thing. I hate that guy he's so stupid)

As always, I'm playing solo in this squad mode game called life (?

2.- I know I often say I'm doing it for me but, damn, I wish someone could like it the way I like it too. I'll see if it's worth the effort or if I should just finish the damn thing and save if for myself. I'm not hurt or anything alike, I was 1000% aware this was going to happen, and it's helping me improve. I think I just don't want to deal with that anymore. Sorry, I lose motivation quite often and easily

3.- I try to keep everything happy and positive in my FN blog but... I don't really like Hope. I mean she's cool and all that but I just don't like her e-girl thing going on. The only thing I like about her is the cat on her banner icon whatever the name of that thing is. Neither sunsp0t, actually y don't like a lot of things but I'll just save my awful FN opinions. I should've saved my headcanons too

4.- Surprise surprise (actually is no surprise) I'm losing followers. And I get it, I get you guys, I used to post funny things, funny drawings (or drawings in general) but now I just complain about everything. Sorry, I'm not in a good mood anymore.

I don't think people should keep following/stay suscribed to a channel, account, blog thing they dont like no more. I've seen artists (on Twitter of course) complaining about how people should not follow an account for X specific thing but I don't think that's how things work. Just like the things you like change, the things other like change too. They should NOT feel forced to like the things you like and see the things you want to share. But I guess you have to grow up to realize that. I personally don't feel offended when people stop following me, right now I'm offering nothing but negative text post, and that's OK. Curate the things you consume, make it a more pleasant experience, don't feel forced to follow someone you no longer like.

I personally follow people for a specific thing, and sometimes, like everyone, they change the things they make, but if I like their stuff I usually stick around because it's interesting! I just stop following if they change for worse (the same way I changed for worse). Still, not everyone thinks the same way I do.

5.- I still thinking I should just make another sideblog to dump all this dumb kind of posts but honestly I don't want to deal with it. Making an FN exclusive sideblog was already way too much, but I didn't want to mix all in here

6.- I guess that's what you get for interacting with people half your age.

7.- Shouldn't have joined, should've stayed away

8.- I wish we could talk, someday. I'd like to know you better. I know I don't exist for you but you mean so much for me (yea now I understand my taste for one-sided fictional relationships lol). I know, im stupid, I'm delusional, I'm, as always, daydreaming about things that will never ever happen and I will never have. I can't understand love, I can't wrap my head around the idea of being romantically involved with someone but that's OK, that kind of things are not meant for me

9.- I wish I could control whatevers going on in my mind. I wish it could slow the pace of my thoughts, I need some rest from the world but most important, I need a break from myself but I guess there's nothing I can do about it

10.- Also, Beatles song

11.- I fell asleep after posting this and I OBVIOUSLY had to edit it to add this because i DREAMED someone gave me some support words and it felt so nice and comforting jdjsjs I'm alone

12.- Morningssey song. Yes I like him too so sue me (?

[frostwing213]

So, I've been questioning if I have ADHD

So I made a list of why and why I might not have it. I gave up partway though, so here's what's done

Why I might:

Constantly forgetting to eat, or not eating because I can't get myself to get up

Forgetting to drink, unless I have my full waterbottle next to me, then I'm Constantly drinking

So many half finished books

Very forgetful

Kinda like organizing sometimes, but only when I'm organizing things by like color or something and I can't get myself to get up and organize what needs to be done

Watches TV shows I've seen before while I work on my computer and scroll Tumblr on my phone

Never knowing what time it is, having no idea how long things will take, and sitting for "just a minute" and realizing 2 hours later

Means to set timers, but forgets. If I set a timer to do a task, sometimes I'll tell myself "Ok, just a second" and continue scrolling and I don't do the task

I cannot summerize to save my life and go on tangents

Sometimes I'll speak my train of thought and I end up on a totally different topic

I'm sitting here making this list rather than changing into comfortable pants like I wanted to... 2 hours ago?

Music in my head. All. The. Time.

I play music to go to sleep so I can distract my brain from my train of thought and actually sleep (Sometimes it works!)

I started writing this point, then added something to the pervious one and forgot what I was writing here

Sometimes I randomly feel like I have to move

A lot of times I get motivation to start a task so I start, then partway though the motivation is gone, like right now

I REMEMBERED WHAT THE EARLIER POINT WAS! I Constantly forget to hit start, or send, or stuff like that

I've had people ask me if I had ADHD, no prompting. Multiple times, multiple people

I've had people with ADHD go: Wouldn't be surprised. When I mention the possibility

Sometimes I get every aware of how I'm sitting and all the tiny pains. So I have to fix it

I definitely have things that seem like hyper fixations or special interests. Like, I remember something and suddenly Im obsessed for a few days at least

I got a guitar, have done two (youtube) lessons on it, and haven't touched it in weeks

I hate it when there are notifications on my phone's head thingy, but when I want to remember to answer something, I'll leave it there (Sometimes works)

My room is a mess and It should be easy to clean up, but I just don't want to, and I can't get the motivation

Clean laundry is currently sitting in my hamper, waiting to be put away

I have to Constantly remind myself to take a shower if I want it to happen

I need to eat some food and get more water, but Imma forget about this list if I get up

I'll stop in the middle of sentences/thoughts, and have to pause, retracing my thoughts to get back to it

I always get a crap ton of pencils at the beginning of the year, and they're all gone by the end

I loose things and always have to get them again when I need them.

I should not be given money and set loose to buy things on my own, I will buy candy and other food items unless stopped.

I can't stand silence (so lots of music playing) but I hate when things get too loud (sensory overstimulation??)

Homework is horrible because once I'm not in a class setting, I can't get the motivation/get distracted

I like creative writing and write pages and pages, but I get stuck on essays and are working g on them for hours to days, but it's like, the same thing?

If something leaves my vision, I forget about it easily

I paused writing this list to start the "Why I might not" list, then jumped back here (keep jumping back and forth)

I cannot take notes. Either it is everything the teacher says, or it is nothing.

Im smart, but I've been told I just need to apply myself more

I will get so stressed about something, but I can't get myself to do what needs to be done to fix it

If I don't want to do something, I have a lot of trouble to get myself to do it (maybe just me being lazy)

Even if I want to do something, I struggle with doing it

I give up on hard things easily

I'll get up to do something, pause to do something else, and forget about the original thing

Why I might not:

I'm good at tests

I'm an attention seeker, this may be me trying to make myself more special

I'm good at peopling (I think)

I'm a good listener

I don't struggle with eye contact or most people things

Becase I'm thinking about this so much, my brain may be overexatragting things

I'm sure some of the reasons I might are just normal people things and I need to deal with them

It feels like any symptoms have appeared recently(is. Well, some of them weren't there when I was a kid)

I enjoy school

I love reading

Since I have a little brother, I'm good at tuning out all noise when I'm reading.

I'm smart

Some things might just be me being lazy

Maybe some things are just flaws I need to work on

May add more stuff later

[coldflasher]

I can pretty much envision what the bingos will look like, but the still/strength/sage forces? I forget the names of their avatars

hooo boy anon you asked for it

we'll start with dion/deon (unsure how you spell it) aka the still force. he was the still force, right? the green one? i have tried to colour code them for helpful reference for myself

he's the worst one. i hate everything about this man. i want to bite him but in a bad way. realistically i probably hate him the most cos he is the force that shows up the most, even after that plotline was over, so i project all my sheer fucking hatred onto him but GRRRR I AM SNARLING AND BARKING AND FIGHTING AGAINST MY CHOKE CHAIN TO GET TO HIM AND TEAR HIM TO PIECES. i also hate him cos he took iris away for like half a season so he could do magic on her or whatever. yeah he was "saving her life" apparently, i don't care, i blame him for everything that was wrong with her. i am so glad candice patton got to rest for a few eps but i HATE THIS MAN. to me he is the embodiment of everything i disliked about the last 3 seasons: bad writing, bad acting, and terrible cgi. and speaking of awful cgi...

the strength force: fuerza

i forget what the actual woman's name is, like who she is when she isn't a dollar store she-hulk. she's fine i guess. i have no strong feelings, as a person she is relatively inoffensive. but the weird rage monster she turns into? it's stupid, it looks bad. if there was a reverse version of the "solid design" square i would have filled out that because the design is genuinely EMBARRASSINGLy bad. and her whole thing is a cheap rehash of the killer frost plotline. "wahh i have a dark side i can't control!!" sorry i don't care, we did this 3 years ago. and then she's like "omg we're all a family! you two random men i've never met are my brothers <3 let's all go live in the magic fairy dreamhouse version of joe's house in the clouds and live happily ever after!!" like oh shut UP.

then we have the sage force, bashir, and this one is a plot twist cos i actually kinda like him lmao

if bashir was a one-off meta of the week and not one of the forces i'd actually really like him? he's a douche but in an enjoyable way, i genuinely think the part of his intro ep where he shows all the characters their greatest fears is really interesting (bar the part where iirc cisco's greatest fear is "working at star labs with the people he loves and cares about forever", like... okay. and then this was the catalyst for him leaving... nvm i hate bashir actually

nah jokes aside i genuinely kinda don't mind him as a character in his own right. again my memory is fuzzy but im pretty sure he had psychic mind control beef with cecile which was fun. he was also basically the only one of the forces who was like "this is fucking weird and i hate it", at least at first, so he has my respect for that. and again, im just gonna say it, he's hot, which makes his sins easier to forgive. remove him from the overarching concept and he's fine, he just had the misfortune of being part of the worst plotline in the show's history.

[kittendisasterr]

I love 1989 with all my heart. the aesthetic, the raw emotions, how it sounds, and I can’t wait for taylor’s version. I’ve been collecting cds since I first heard tim McGraw on the radio and I’ve never strayed from her music. reputation was the first tour I actually got tickets to. my mom got me them for Christmas. It was unforgettable even in the nosebleeds. I will always have a special place in heart for debut, because it’s where my love for taylor started. and reputation was just as special. I know she may never notice me, and I’ve accepted that, im only one of millions of fans. she has always felt like the older sister I never had. I don’t have the closest relationship with my mom, I have three brothers and I’ve never really been good at keeping friends. so I guess that’s why I love taylor so much, she’s the best friend and sister I never had. these last three re-records mean the most to me. I can’t wait for them all. she’s worked so hard to get where she is and I couldn’t be more proud. she’s the one consistent thing in my life. when life gets messy, her music is always there. through the heartbreak, through the tragedy, through the depression, through the eloquent way she encapsulates all the emotions I don’t know how to express, she’s just there. and I’m so grateful for her. even though I may never get to meet her, I’ve always wanted to be one of her dancers. dancing has helped me express myself in the same ways, music has been a way taylor expresses herself. one quote I’ll never forget since the first day I read it, is “I’m not that complicated. My complications come out in my songs. All you have to do to be my friend, is like me.. and listen” and that quote alone brings me comfort and peace. Even though I may never get to meet her, she’s my friend. I’d even say best. if by chance I do ever meet her, I’d know we’re already be friends. and I think that’s beautiful. taylor swift truly is one of one. I would say one of a kind, but she stands alone in that aspect. no one could ever replace her, and no one ever will. I’m grateful just to be alive at the same time she is. I’m sorry about my run on and choppy sentences. I guess you don’t really worry about proofreading when you’re writing from the heart. I just had to put this out here, in case anyone doesn’t know how I feel about taylor, or doesn’t understand why I get offended to people that hate on her, cause how can anyone hate someone so real? maybe it’s fear. or maybe it’s jealousy. I guess we’ll never know. one last thing I wanted to note, is if there’s a one in a million chance taylor sees this, I want her to know how her song “forever winter” impacted me. I struggle with depression and anxiety and bipolar. and I’ve had many attempts on my life, struggles with self harm, and I listen to that song when my thoughts get too loud. it makes me cry but in a good way. It’s almost as if she’s telling me it will be “forever winter if I go.” and that song has truly saved my life. It’s kept me from making really impulsive decisions when I’m upset. I know that even though taylor doesn’t know me, that’s how much she means to me. her melodies have coaxed me out of self loathing spells, and from feeling like no one would care if I go. I have a daughter to live for and so now I only have thoughts, and as much as I wish that those feelings went away and would never come back, that’s not how depression works. taylor helped me accept the darkest parts of myself. she inspires me in her own ways how to get through them. I know this is really long and I’m sure no one will read it. but I wanted to get it off my chest. at this point I just feel like I’m writing in my diary. long story short, I love you taylor. I hope some day I get the chance to meet you.

that’s all for now.

xoxo Melanie

[damiens-void]

It was then, when i looked at the mess presenting itself in the mirror,

The worry in my brain wondering,

"what am i doing to myself?"

That i began to take the pictures.

Walking into the darkened room I've been resting in,

The pile of items piled in the corner,

Crowded next to my bookshelf,

I began to cry.

To mourn.

To lose my grip on the ability to control myself,

I am losing,

My home.

The space I fought for the space I bit down on,

Gums screaming as I pushed my teeth farther into them,

Blood dripping from my mouth I didn't want to let go.

But they broke my jaw with the side of a "don't come back" and "it's all your fault forget about the security deposit"

I let go.

I went,

Jaw hanging, my tongue lolling out of the side of my broken mouth,

The drool pouring out...

I crawled.

Broken shattered nails, i kept them long -

They filled with dirt as I begged for another place to rest not only me but my fluffy buddy that saved my life,

I held onto him like a teddy bear after a nightmare,

I was NOT going to leave him behind.

When people suggest things to me,

Like my parents,

They do not take into account that I need my baby.

I ***need*** him he is not an accessory I can just put into storage.

But now I stand.

In a house that'll soon be empty a place i wanted to stay in until i got my own residence when I was more well off I wanted to take time in my twenties to be twenty.

But now i stand here, shaking phone in hand,

Scrambling to take photos,

To not forget what I loved about this place,

And what I hated.

I'm mad.

I should've gotten to live here longer.

I fought, for this place.

Now I will grip with broken hands a new lease,

A new sheet to sign away something I'm worried about,

My money.

For a place not worth the price,

For a place smelling of cat piss and a dirty memory,

I at least get to have my child.

My little guy.

I dont know how I'll fit all my big furniture but I'll find a way.

My little guy, we'll make it I promise.

I'm worried he will die before we find a better place.

I'm worried he'll not get to live the life he's supposed to I grip his fur when I can and kiss him everyday.

I let him know I love him,

And if there is another life i hope he comes back to mine so i can take care of him again,

When im better off.

When things have calmed down and I can feed him what he deserves.

Home cooked meals,

A comfortable toddler bed,

Blankets and pillows and toys galore.

Central air and a happy home.

He will not be hit ever in his life,

I hope I get him as a puppy.

No torture for him I don't care if he is a mutt or a pure breed he is my baby.

But we will sit.

In a cat piss smelling house as i scrub it clean,

Hope I get it all out,

Hope the ceiling doesn't hold dust, that the only thing that smells like dog is dog.

My baby.

I'll miss the smell of dog so much when he passes I know this.

I'll cling onto his old bed and his lamb.

Even in a dirty house not worth the money.

He'll make it a home.

But when he leaves,

It'll just be a house again.

[distortedataraxia]

Hi ^^) it's my first time doing this, so I'm kinda nervous (ahhh how should I start?). Well, I'm here because i got interested in the BSD Matchup thing, so thank you in advancement >////<)

Uh- Im pretty shy and calm in real life, but in Internet I tend to be more teaser (maybe because I can't see the other person's face) even tho I can't really handle them in rl, and because of that ppl usually misunderstood my personality, also I have social anxiety, so it's pretty hard to people ACTUALLY understand and know the real me (honesty sometimes i wish ppl could just read my mind, that would be so much easier?). Sometimes i think like i just have a mask that I can't get off to the point of me forgetting the real me.

About those personality tests: I'm INTP-A, 5w6 and my love language is affirmative words and act of service

If I bake you something/draw you, for sure i treasure or relationship.

As for my hobbies: I like to read, sell, cosplay, draw, listen to true crimes podcast, watch animes, teach, learn languages (for now I can speak 5) study and bake (most time sweets). My dream is someday have a pretty (vegan) coffee.

For now I am a volunteer physic teacher to help 9 graders to pass in exams for good highschools, but I can't wait to get a real job in some quiet place (like a library).

I am a short (150cm T^T), a bit chubby, I'm a sagittarius and I like the caos in the "not so monotonous" way (I just hate get bored), and when I'm not envolved, obviously, just watching, I hate have too many eyes on me. I also hate when people try to force a friendship with me, like, if i hug you, I'm showing that I don't mind you getting too close (even tho it can surprise me sometimes), but that change completely when "you" hug me without intimacy, i will 100% dislike your hugs from now on.

Also I really like to hear people talk about their passion and dreams, maybe I can get a bit of inspiration haha.

Sometimes when I take my medicines I may be oblivious to my own felling, so in that kind of situation i just like so see people I like happy by making them a treat or just walking through the city with no place in mind, just to focus on their happiness to make me feel warm

Whaa- sorry if it was too long, I don't know how much I should say or keep to myself to get a good analysis, usually I don't share that much oh things aaah that's embarrassing... but yeah that's it I hope you are having a wonderful day/night

Note : Hi! Firstly I'd like to apologize for the time it tooks to actually write this and secondly I'd like to assure you that you weren't embarassing ^^ Have a good day/night i hope and take care of yourself ! I haven't written any forms concerning matchups to help people requesting, so anything that you wrote is okay, it's never too long or too short and i'll try my best pairing you with a character with what i have. I hope that you like the one i paired you with and that it aha isn't too much or a mess, matchups aren't really my expertise ahah ^^'

I pair you with...

Atsushi ! ★

You, shy and calm in real life, a teaser on the internet, have came across the path of A CAT- I mean, weretiger.

He would be kind, understanding and considerate towards you and would respect your boundaries. Whenever you have troubles with anything, you know that Atsushi will always be with you and that it'll be okay, he'll support, understand and try to help you out.

That boy Atsushi needs theses affirmative words, he've been through a lot and only feel the right to live if he save people's lives and it's good sometimes to remind him that he's good enough just as he is.

if i got this wrong please run me over with a car , dig a hole and bury my brain inside of it... ACTUALLY NO PLEASE DON'T TOUCH MY BIGASS BRAIN

Atsushi would try to surprise you with some little gifts sometimes, he won't overdo it. If you're like kyoka by example, he'd buy you crepes and ice creams. If you're as mysterious as Dazai, he'll try to go with flowers probably.

Atsushi would be really happy if one day you bake or draw something for him.

Atsushi spent a lot of time reading in his orphanage's library as a form of escapism, so you can sometimes chat about books you both read without much problems.

You also love to ask about Atsushi's days as he works in the armed detective agency, and his days are never the ssame, as he like to ask about your day too.

Atsushi would absolutely support you in your dreams of having a pretty vegan coffee, and he'll do what he can to help you make your dream possible.

Atsushi gets flustered easily, and it can be pretty caotic. But cute?

When you're out on a date with Atsushi, he makes sure that you feel comfortable and to not get all eyes on both of you.

You both would be a nice pair.

[emptyyourthoughtss]

You Make Me Sick

I’m sick every morning over you. I throw you up like a bad night out. My stomach lurching with every lie you tell, forcing the foundation to crack. Bubble and bruise, you know food gets me good. How could you hit me where it hurts the most? It’s like you know i’d die without you. Wither and crack under every last breath. Wish I didn’t remember you as being good. Wish all the reasons I hated you could come back to me now. There’s none today. There’s no fuel for me this time. Can’t do this now. I have to tell myself you’re never coming back or i’ll never let it go. The hold you have over me, from so far away. It’s unhealthy, really. I don’t want you to go but whatever you do, please don’t stay. I can’t survive another two years of this. I need you though. What am I supposed to do?

Codependency is the only way I know it. I brush my teeth with it every morning and pray I can taste it. I travel back and forth now for work. Across the small sea. It’s my way of pretending im leaving. I fly up and away, somewhere unfamiliar. Im just like you, see? You live in every crack of my mind. You live in my home keys. You live in my favorite shoes. You live in that stupid fucking neon sign you left bolted to the wall in our room. The one you pretended you gave me. A friendly favor. Always giving me your unclaimed baggage, knowing that a piece of you saves me. I take it. I always do. Something deep down inside of me is hoping, praying you’ll be back. Back to claim it.

I don’t do well with ghosts. They haunt me easily. My third eye is open at all times, leaving them the power to perceive me. Something far from divine. I live this new life waiting for you to orbit back to me. The cycle we kept up a million times. Five years feels like forever.

Sometimes when you’re asleep, you forget to dream. Im assuming thats what it felt like, loving me. A sleepwalk. Something you knew so easily. Someone that made you feel seen. All I do is dream. Dream that this works out and that you’ll one day make it up to me.

I knew I was right. I knew another shoe would drop. I felt it in my stomach but pushed it away for you, you were so good at that. Made me believe everything you did was for us. It was good. I knew you weren’t who you said you were. Is the cycle finally over? I’ll still wait. I’ll wait to find out. My head won’t let me do anything else. I’ll wait as long as I need to. I don’t get over things easily. Can you tell? Even if you say it’s over, I know better than to believe you for your word. I learned the hard way. I don’t get over things easily.

I wish I didn’t love you. It would be so much easier if I didn’t love you. Why did you make me love you? I was almost over you. Then I gave you everything. This time I gave you EVERYTHING. My demons started catching up with me and you left me as soon as I had them at bay. You made me give you everything. Told me it was the only way. You wanted to see me for who I was and it scared you away. Now im left on my own. To deal with everything you took away. The only thing left of you is everything tangible. Thats the shit I cant move. The shit that wont look away. Its my house. Its my home. Its the place I go when I wanna get away. How do I get away now? Where do I go? Your presence weighs on me heavily. Such a sad gravity. How do I continue this life without you around me?

[stephs-place]

If I was anything different, if I had been born right, if I was just a mentally ill girl named Sophie, maybe then I wouldn’t be sitting here. I ignored it for so long. I tried to forget who I was through a phase of it all, but it’s never been any use

Cause girls like me don’t understand how to stop thinking, cause girls like me don’t understand how to wake up and face what they aren’t. I hate that stupid bathroom. I hate those fucking mirrors. I hate how everyone looks at me. I hate how the hair covers my body. I hate how it sticks out like disgusting black worms. I hate how they don’t understand me. I hate how he acts like I don’t spend every day thinking about all the things I’m not. I hate that I don’t blame him for worrying. I hate that I can’t just muster the courage to cover myself in beautiful red lines, crags in the flesh divine in their sacrilegious admiration for things I unendingly desire. I drive myself mad at the thought of what I’ve missed, I drive myself mad at all the things I’ll continue to miss.

So I guess if you’ve ever wanted to improve, if you’ve ever wanted to be more like yourself, if you’ve ever wanted to do something fucking right for once, if you’ve ever craved the attention of people you’ve never met. If you dream of holing yourself away. If you think about killing yourself every fucking day. If you ever just want to rip your own fucking face off. If your nerves ever put you in a chokehold as you start to feel that uncomfortable fucking itch.

I puke out my guts like it’ll fix my broken mental state. I can’t think a real thought to save my life, and I can’t stop running my mouth like a fucking asshole whenever someone gives me the opertunity to express something.

I feel so fucking alone

I feel so horribly alone

I can’t seem to make up my mind

I can’t seem to figure out what’s right

If my hair ever falls out, if im stuck like this for the rest of my life, if I never get to escape, if I stuck like this fucking monster, this inescapable beast incapable of conscious thought or proper behavioral patterns. If only I was born the right way. I’d only I was right, if it only it didn’t hurt to see my reflection, if only I didn’t repeat my fucking words. If only I wasn’t repeating topics like some broken fucking record screaming out to end the pain. I want to feel something real, I want to feel knife to my skin. I want to feel a reason to leave. I want to walk out on this night and just keep going, step after step until I no longer feel like such a fucking freak.

Cause my hair is fucking matted, and I can’t seem ever shave close enough, and I think that soon enough people will get tired of how much I’ve been fucking up. So I wonder if I’ll ever be correct, so I wonder if I’ll ever be correct. I wonder if I’ll ever get better, if I’ll ever be institutionalized for failures at perseverance. Cause I know my dad thinks I’m a coward, and I know my mom thinks I’m an embarrassment. Cause I know they’ll never accept me for being who I am. Cause I never got over that stupid fucking girl who I made the mistake of ever sitting next to. Cause I never figured out why the though of intimacy scares me so bad and why I still wonder sometimes if I could ever actually stay with someone for the rest of my life and yet now I’m still in a situation where I might have too and it’s so fucking scary because what if I do stay and what will happen to me and will he just use me and use me and use me and use me life she did. Cause what if he just does that, what if he just uses me like she did. What if he’s using me right now, what if my only desire is to overdose next to a broken German girl. What if I don’t want to face the fact that he’s going to die long before me, and the fact that if I stay with him and watch him decline I know I’ll never be able to recover, I know I’ll never be a person again after that, I know I’ll be broken beyond repair, and what if I just keep going because there’s so much on my mind. And what if today was like the second time I’ve cried this week, and what if tje thought of that is just making me want to cry more. Why does the thought of that make me want to cry more, what fucking bitch cry’s so much, why isn’t she just strong why can’t she just be fucking normal.

:)

[mist-girl999]

Also here's all the shitty poetry I wrote this summer

warning I am not a good poet also TW: implied s/a and also just general soulcrushing sadness and angst

Forest Green and Knobby Knees:

You said your walls were forest green

Sertraline tastes sickly sweet going down

Maybe that’s why life lost its color

It never had any to begin with

I’m told im missing the vibrancy

That I’m living among shades of brown

It makes me want to cry sometimes

Even though it’s all i’ve ever known

Eyeliner stamps distract me from it all 

when I remember to use them

I rarely do

I only get to be a woman when it’s convenient

When it’s harmless to everyone else

In my room in the quiet hours

I can wear my ill fitting skirts

Stretch the two tops I own over the body i hate

So I can pretend I’m the hottest girl alive

Sometimes the lie works

Sometimes it didn’t

Mostly it doesn’t

I’m not very good at lying anymore

Yearbook signatures make me feel more real

Promises of friendship

Of love

You’ll never know how much you mean to me

It’s not love

More obsession

Not with you but with the idea of you

A concept of who I want to be 

A caricature to stretch over me

I want to ask you how you do it 

How you be everything I want to be

Dream to be

Knobby knees

Oh god the knobby knees

The hair

The bangs

The eyes

The smile

Deficiency isn’t enough

Dried up succulents 

stalks shattered are the only mark you left on my life

I hope they never die

Even if I do

Vanilla pods were all I sought:

You never understood my greatest wish of all

To smell like vanilla pods in the midnight air

To lay back arched in the sunlight as it leeched into my skin

To be laid bare to the world and seen without the disgust I felt

To find friends amongst the grapevines

To talk to bees

Point at ravens in the trees

You never understood the beauty I craved

But you bought me skirts

And said that was good enough

And now I’m afraid to be me

Even if I bled even if I died:

I met you before I existed

Before I knew something was wrong

And you turned me into something you felt like you could love

I started to believe I could love that too

Still I remained foreign even to myself

The problem was I loved you too much

Yet also not enough

But the problem was that I wasn’t enough for you

Even if I bled

Even if I died

Sacrificed all but the breath in my lungs

It still wasn’t enough

I wasn’t enough

I acknowledge that

I apologize for that

But you left

And now I don’t exist anymore

Maybe I never really did

You made feel feel desired for the first time ever

And then took it all away

And so I scrambled I fell grasping at the open air

And now I’ve hit the bottom of the canyon

Not quite dead

not quite breathing

maybe drowning

My spine shattered against the battered boulders

It’s quiet down here though

It was never quiet with you

Fuck you

I wish you never wanted to fuck me

I wish I didn’t have to keep breaking myself for you

Until I was a handful of shattered glass under your foot

The times I saved you from suicide every night

Matter not now

I tried to forget about them

About you

But I can’t

So fuck you

I can’t save you

And I shouldn’t have had to

I wish you didn’t fuck me

I hate that you wanted to touch me

I’m scared now

That no one will want to touch me

Because you’re the only one who did

And your touch sunk deep

I can still feel it sometimes

Even when I don’t want to

Rarely when I do

I hope you disappear into the back of my mind

Somewhere I don’t venture often

That’s where you belong

Far away from me

I’m happier here

And worse

But better every day I don’t think of you

I wish you didn’t look at me that way

I wish you didn’t speak to me that way

I wish you didn’t hurt me that way

I wish you didn’t paint me that way

I hope you forget about me

I hope I forget about you

But I know I won’t

I still wear the necklace

The star

The branches around my neck

It feels wrong to take it off

And feels wrong to leave it on

So I just try to forget it’s there

Forget how the rope flows arcross the valleys of my sunken collarbones

Forget how you looked at it

At them

At me

Try to forget the pattern

The late nights

The mistakes

The regrets

The firsts

The lasts

You made me into a lady didn’t you

And now I hate her and love her at the same time

Womanhood makes me sick

Because of you

And the way you looked at me

You call me sexy

You call me pretty

You call me kind

I call you worthy of love

You ask if you’re using me

I lie

It feels good to be desired

It doesn’t feel good anymore though

Now it makes me sick

I don’t want to be seen

But I can’t live without the perception of others

All because of you

And your yellow teeth

I miss then

I think more than anything else

Those teeth

With their spots

Brilliant white

My eyes were always drawn to them

But they’re gone now

And so are you

And I think I’m glad

I was your dog

And now

You left me

Bleeding and rabid

Without a bullet in my brain

Fuck you

I wish you would stop looking at me

But I keep seeing you

I keep feeling you

And it makes me sick

Sicker than it should

I can’t tell if I’m angry or honest

You don’t deserve this

You might deserve worse

I’m sorry I wasn’t enough

I’m sorry I was crazy

In my defense I think you might’ve driven me insane

But you’ll never know that

Because I’ll never tell you

I’ll never look at you

Because if I do

 I’ll be right back where I started

A shadow in a dress

Fetishized

Ostracized

And left to sit in the rain

And pretend I’m crying

Because you took that too

I miss when you loved me but I’m happy you don’t anymore

I don’t think I’m strong enough for that anymore

Easier this way:

You were perfect

I was better at lying to myself than you were at lying to me

Your eyes left cuts where I can’t reach them

Can’t bandage them

Can’t heal them

So I pretend they don’t exist

Just like you

It doesn’t work very well

But it was worth a try

I’m not a poet

You made sure I knew that

You made sure I knew that I was supposed to fuck you until you didn’t want to die anymore

But somewhere along the way you got rid of whatever was left of myself

I didn’t need to know these things about myself

I did it think I ever would

But you made sure I won’t forget

So please stay away

I’m too fragile your your voice

Even more for your silence

You took all my love away and I’m glad you did

It’s easier this way

A most familiar feeling:

How long did you love the sex more than me

How long was your favorite part of me the one I hated the most

How have you been

I don’t want to know anymore but

I know I’ll know again someday

You’ll find me

No matter where I hide

Quick to criticize quicker to change me

Quicker yet to leave

I’m glad you’re gone

I can pick up the pieces that are left

Delete what I wrote for you

Forget you ever happened to me

Walk away until I know you’ll never chase me

Hate what you used to love about me

Start to hate everything about you

I’m surprised I didn’t sooner

How was I ever happy when you looked at me

I’ll change my voice

Change my eyes

Sand off my face

And run until my feet fall off

Become so unrecognizable that even I feel foreign to myself

Which admittedly is the most familiar of feelings

If I replace every organ

Claw at my skin

Until I know you’ve never touched it

Will I be ok

Hate me more:

You’d probably hate who I’m becoming now

Which brings me comfort

Every moment that passes

You will hate me more

But I’m just glad

That you don’t love me anymore

Because that felt so much worse

Cleanliness my god:

I wish I could stop writing about you

I wish I could stop thinking of you

You taught me to love things I should hate

And now I feel wrong

I don’t write love poems anymore

I did once

You ignored them

You hated them

You didn’t say it out loud but I could see it in your eyes

You didn’t read them

You suffered through the ones I read to you

I know they weren’t good

But I loved you

That should’ve been good enough

You loved what was under my ill fitting skirts the parts of myself I tried the hardest to hide

Cleanliness is godliness and you had no god

Cleanliness became my god

And you became my satan

I liked it at first

Then you liked it too much

It became all I was good for

All you wanted

It felt good to be desired I guess

But it felt worse to be looked at in that way

Eyes blazing with something that scared me

An emotion that felt foreign to me

That always had

And so I waited

And hid

For it to be over

For you to love me

But instead I held you

Comforted you for hours

So that you could do it again

And again

When I just wanted to be loved

Girlhood sinkhole:

You made me a woman

While I was still trying to just be a girl

And now I don’t know who I am anymore

A familiar feeling

A sinkhole

A place I want to leave

Strawberry nose:

I’m tired of strawberry nose

Doomscroll

Lost submersible

Tired of staring at your eyes praying to see anything but disgust reflected back at me

Tired of being the only person in the world

Who hates me this much

More than I probably deserve

More than I’ve probably earned

Tired of being hard to love

Easy to shove

Bent and broken and caved in

Shattered to pieces and glued back together  again

I should probably go to sleep but I can’t

Tired of being incapable inconsiderate inconsequential

Just really fucking tired

Goodnight I hope

Strawberry nose

Ripped clothes

Bare toes unpainted

But I wish they were

A deep red a pitch black

Something a little more human

I wish I could love in a way that’s acceptable

To you

To me

That feels like it isn’t killing me too

Mending:

Sick of living 

Sick of healing 

Sick of apologizing

Of changing

Of admitting

You’re so pretty i could cry

The kind of beauty that seems unattainable

Foreign even

Otherworldly

How do you do it

I’ll ask myself that question for a very long time

There’s a pile of clothes on my floor that need mending

They have holes and tears that need patches and stitches

I’ll get to them eventually

You ripped my fishnets

I can’t mend those

You ruined me you know

Ruined my clothes

Ruined my body

Ruined my mind

But i’m still here

And i intend to stay that way

Summer after high school:

Screaming 

Crying

Songs about 9/11

Late nights

Regrets

Changes

Summer after high school

Almost lost all my friends

Changing myself everyday

It’s exhausting

Is this what happiness feels like?

Reckless driving

Check engine light

Second job

Nightmares

Death

And after all of it

Rebirth

The drowning man

The big yard sale

Goals ambitions

And bugs

Box hair dye

Wishing I could cry

Early mornings

Take my meds

Hope it gets better again

It’s better without you i think

Learning how to exist alone

Is the hardest thing i’ve done 

Until tomorrow

Then that will change too

No one will hate you more than you already do

Sufjan Stevens

Girls

So many girls

To kiss to be

To love to hold

To run from

To hide

Wondering what a sunburn feels like 

New bedsheets that don’t quite fit right

Dread, love, and fear

New posters, old eyeliner

Scared of flying 

Scared of dying 

Cards on my wall

Wishing me well

Broken CD player

Broken spirit

Is this it?

What stains the heart:

Work shirts

Grease stains

Grease stains the heart too you know

So does blood

And loss

I bought white eyeliner from a vending machine

Used it once

Now it’s in my drawer

Shirtless pictures on a digital camera

Are all  I have left

Therapy appointments and soft blankets keep me going

So do you

More as an act of revenge at this point

Slow revenge

Metamorphosis

Like kafka

I doubt you’ve ever read kafka

Walk in the park play on the swings

I wish I could write horny poetry

Boygenius lyrics:

I feel platonic love in a way that scares me 

I’m nothing without my friends

It scares others too

I think we’re all just a bit scared

Boygenius lyrics

Kissing on stage

Devotion and love

I know i’m broken

But please let me love you

You make me a bit less frightened

You all do

Homoerotic swimsuit shopping 

Loving too much

And sometimes not enough

I know i’m not easy to love

But please let me love you

Hearts in texts and hugs with eyes

I promise i like being touched

I just don’t want to burden you

Road trips and letters sitting on our phones

Panic attacks and loving arms

Even when they’re by your side

Hand tattoos and weed 

I think that’s what my future holds

I hope yours holds all that and oh so much more

You deserve the world 

I’m sorry if I love you too much

It’s just that you stayed

Will you still be here when I'm 27?

Even the little things:

Poetry so bad 

it might as well be a word association game 

Unused mascara

Tight underwear

Nothing fits right and I don’t think it ever will

Water droplets across my skin

The second hour in the shower

Remind me who i’m supposed to be

Dead black rotting skin

As i become more sunken in

I’ve lost everything that brings me joy

Even the little things

It might be different tomorrow 

But tonight

In this moment an hour before the stars

With the wrong clothes

At the wrong time

It’s all gone

I’m sunken in

And i think this is it

No more weird little loves

No more loving till it hurts

Just empty

Poured out over the concrete 

Tricking into the sewer drain

For the long journey home

I’ve scared them all away 

and I don’t think they’re coming back

And for once 

I don’t blame them

I’ve accepted it now

I’d let you touch me:

Broken computer screen

Broken cash machine

Dried up plants i’ve ignored for far too long

I’m sorry you didn’t deserve this

Spider in a jar

Friends from afar

Unloveable self in the mirror

Ruined myself again for you

Trying really hard to make you see

That i’d let you touch me

If you wanted to

But i doubt you do

And I don’t blame you

I don’t want to either

But i’m stuck in this skin

Try as I might

Glimpses of the stars

On the walk from my car

Before I disappear

New septum piercing didn’t stop you from leaving

And I don’t blame you anymore

I’m glad you left

But i would’ve let you touch me

If you wanted to

What’s left of my heart:

You can fuck me till i fall apart 

Rip out what’s left of my heart

Pull my lungs out my ears

And my brain out my nose

You can have anything of me you want my darling

My books

My eyes

My touch

My love

Apologies for the ages

I’ll make you a playlist even if I don’t love you

Not because I don’t want to 

But because I think i lost the strength to love you a long time ago

It’s nothing personal

I’d give everything to be able to love you

To know you

To blush when you look at me

I’ll try my best i’ll buy you flowers

Kiss your face

Stay up late

But I can only pretend for so long 

that this isn’t just because I can’t be left alone

I’d treat you right 

We’d never fight

But I know i’m not enough

And i think that’s ok

Made to love you:

She says she likes her nose

and god I wish I liked mine too

In the exact same way she does

A girl who likes her nose

Panic attacks in my bed sheets

Wishing for a loving embrace

You can use me if you want

Just don’t make me go away

Clenched jaws I never notice until they start to hurt

Can’t seem to let them go

Thought I was getting better

Now I know I was wrong

Weighted blanket isn’t enough

Need your embrace

Anyone’s embrace

Need you to touch me

Need you to want to touch me

Need anyone to want to touch me

Motorcycle rumblings signal my end

And as much of me wants to run

Also wants to embrace it

Made to love you

Made to love anyone

Please look at me with kind eyes

And I will worship the ground you walk upon for as long as you let me

And just a little bit more after that

Stay on the plateau with me:

Everyone else is loved and fucked and touched and desired

Everyone else feels love in their hearts and tears in their eyes

There is an unspoken loneliness in losing your will to cry

To cry to love to hold to cherish

Screams of female rage or heartbroken sobs that shake the earth you walk on are but

A pipe dream

Why oh why would you ever wish to leave this plateau

Sweetness is sickness

And sickness is heartbreak

Heartbreak is loss

And loss is death

So why not skip it all

Watch the sunset from the plateau

Overheat 

All alone

Love yourself like no one can

Stare into the river and wonder what color the rocks at the bottom are

Drive past the bar where you might ruin your life

In a year or two

Do drugs alone in your room and pretend you’re more

More than you ever will be

More than you’ve ever been

Wonder when your friends will stop loving you

If it hasn’t happened already

Write poetry for sad girls who are so much more like you than yourself

Hide in a masquerade

Remember who you were 3 years ago

Then forget everything and everyone you ever where

Almond soap blues

Be too quiet

Make too much noise

Be restless

Be tired

But never forget who you are

Tiptoes and sad girls

Mothers who stare at me

But oh to be loved

To be desired will always be immortality

Oh to be perceived

The girl I want to be:

To see her knees peeking out from under that dress when she crouches

Inspecting bugs under a rock

Sticks and leaves in her hair

Bags full of old melon rinds 

Faded stick and poke tattoos from someone she once knew

This is the girl I want to be

Bewitched eyes

Impressive doc martens collection

Big beetle purse

Frilly socks, can’t read a clock

Because she’s never had to

Old tattered hat, white flower dress

Band aids and perfume

This is the girl I want to be

Cries in secret

Loves in public

Galaxy eyes with the universe inside

Thrifted button downs 

Gray sports bra 

Kills all her plants but loves them so

Pleasure to have in class

Life of the party

Reads alone in the garden 

This is the girl I want to be

But i’m not and I don’t know if i’ll ever be

So i’ll keep dreaming

Keep weeping

Keep praying

Keep waiting

For the girl i’m meant to be

[want-to-be-that-girl]

Tw: a bit mean, rant, numbers

I will never forget any of my "losing weight" trips.

First one was certain summer when for month (yes, only month) i was eating as little as possible (but still eating), drank so much red tea and rode a bicycle everyday for 2-3h. I didnt know much about weight loss i just wanted to reach a goal and be ok with it. I did reach my goal and lost sth like 8kg and stopped and obv bounced back. Didnt know about jojo effect yet. All of that was right in front of my family. They had their own issues to care about, also i still ate so it was fine.

My next one was when i went working in factory before starting college, to save some money. Also in month i lost 10kg because i worked physically for 8h everyday and didnt had time to eat anything more decent than a choco waffer, sandwich and some rice with ketchup. It only noticed after 3 weeks that my tight clothes were not tight anyomore. Obv i bounced back.

Then i gained and gained in exchange hating myself and also saying im enough the way i am and can enjoy food. Then during one summer i saw myself in photos and i couldnt believe how awful i looked. Not only i didnt know how to dress my fat body, i felt like pig, and looked like one walking on two legs. I weighted 70kg and i know that if only i had been skinny, even if my clothes were bizzare, i would at least look decent.

I went to uni and decided to start again but this time more serious. I didnt had physical job, and i didnt had a bike anymore so instead i started walking 2-3h through city everyday and working out. I started IU diet which was really bad and promised myself a burger set once im done. I did the diet and lost 3kg. I got the burger set, which was disappointing, and decided to keep going. Next was Suzy Bae diet which was much better than IU but still i was hungry and the calories i ate then became my daily limit. I ate different stuff, sometimes i ate more or junk food when meeting with people but mostly didnt cross 700kcal and lost a lot of weight.

All of these times had me with motivation for a short period of time which is why i cant sustain my progres. Im also constantly living with fear that food will disappear, that people will be disappointed with me not eating their food, that i will never again eat something. The fear of disappearance is always whispering in my ear causing my anxiety which then i try to numb with spicy food and alcohol.

Being skinny is not going to repair my personality, but at least people who dont know me wouldve been kinder to me in everyday life. And i know that because i have been there a few times. Funny that i was only invited to friends meetings when i looked the part. Even if my charcter was not there, and make up was sloppy, at least i didnt cover the entire frame in photos.

[over-on-the-bench]

Hi!! If you get this, then it's your excuse to infodump, ramble, rant, vent, or whatever about whatever the hell you want!! Save this till u have something u really wanna talk about, or answer it right now, then send it onto people u think are bursting with stuff to say!!!

okay fuck it here i go ramble about issues time my dudes

sometimes i really want to cry and i have no fucking clue why. whenever i talk to people i feel like im being too much and being to annoying. i hate teen titans go, who the fuck lets a show air and lets it give out stereotypical villains/characters about people from different countries? hm? i forget vol. 333 of tmc exists and ill openly say that. i listen to problematic singers and im clueless about it. i hate everything about myself, i look to feminine and am an ass. my ex was right on me using people to my own advantage, i do that, a lot. im 99.9% sure im mentally unstable and might have the tism but i cant say anything. im also 99.9% sure my parents are abusive but thats not the problem in my life right now. everyone i know is getting annoyed or sick of me i dont like it. anyways. i hate my name, have i ever mentioned that? i hate it. anyways uh. i suppose that its all stupid, life in general. who in the hell said ‘hey lets make a species and give it endless pain and suffering’ WHO THE HELL SAID THAT??? anyways i love the song ex-wives, no word can describe how much i love that song. uh. i wanna cry half the time? thats normal uh. sometimes i fantasise about murdering people, thats normal. whenever a spotlight flashes down on me or near me, death just comes up in my mind, like: ‘is this what death is like’ or ‘i wonder what comes after death’ and its honestly fucking funky. i am a horrible person, really but then everyone says im cool/not an asshole/nice and i just agree. i have no gut to tell people theyre using the wrong pronouns or name for fear they turn on me and make me seem like the bad guy. im treated like a monster for my anger issues. i hate children sometimes, i kick them a LOT. reading over this i think i need pshyciatric help. my parents neglect me for my siblings because hey im the oldest and i can look after myself!! no i cant im literally distracted every five seconds i cant even do my homework. i want to pelt my art teacher into the endless abyss along with my gym/pe teacher like jesus christ i hate those two more than i hate children and thats saying something. i self reflect on every single character i roleplay as or create so thats also saying something. uh, ive broken many bones, not my own, others’ bones and thats funny. i threaten to bash people’s heads into the ground when im annoyed and thats worrying. i also threaten to cut off their dicks.

[impassively-ecstatic]

tw: suicide

this isnt a cry for help. i just need to get this off my chest in a space where there arent as many eyes on me, but i can still feel like im seen. ive suffered with suicidal ideation since i was 15 years old. there are a lot of days where these kinds of thoughts dont enter my mind. i wont even say a majority of days they do anymore. but its something that ive struggled with more increasingly since late 2020 and with varying intensities on and off ever since. i think ultimately i am too afraid to take my own life. weird to feel like having a fear might be saving my life sometimes.

there have been many different reasons over the years. self hate, lack of purpose, fear of commitment, feeling like no matter how hard i try, ill never do anything meaningful. feeling like i lack even the ability to meaningjlly attempt anything.

if anybody else feels this way, or any kind of way, know that i am someone you can turn to. the types of negative emotions ive felt towards myself have been seemingly limitless at times, so i know the struggle. i can't say what actions or feelings are or arent correct, but i can definitely lend an ear to your struggles.

for so long my motivation is: it gets better. then i kind of forget and become numb, and then we're right back at square 1.

i plan to still be around for a little while longer, i still got some fight in me. as i said at the beginning, ill be alright. just needed to get some stuff off my chest. im writing this at 421 am, so most of this might not even make sense lol

[meetmymouth]

ooh I think #7 and #17 from the blurb list would fit very well together! if you want!

THANK YOU LINDS <3<3

prompt list here, send a number!!

#7 If we both want to fit, we’ll have to cuddle

#17 Sleeping in the same bed for the first time

THIS IS 3K IM SORRY I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF SO PLEASE REBLOG LMAOOOOOO!!!!!

"This is my room," comes a gruff voice behind you as you keep looking out the window, taking in the greenery and the beautiful ocean.

See, you knew he would be here.

You knew, because Harry and Mitch were attached at the hip, and you didn't mind. You didn't mind seeing your ex every time you were invited to hang out with MitchandSarah & co, except when said ex decided to be an evil arsehole.

Perhaps, calling him an "ex" was weird, seeing how your time alone only consisted of you both getting high, mostly naked as he whispered the filthiest things in your ear and promised to make you feel good, be the best you've ever had. Other than that, though, he was an insufferable bastard. Since you never hung out with the man without your friends around–getting rat-arsed and high... and the activities that followed aside–, you didn't know if he was always this annoying.

He seemed to be getting along just fine with the others, especially Sarah and the other girls, so you had no problems scratching off the "women hater" off your list. And you can't ever recall him being this insufferable while you both were fucking which was, in his case, miserable. So, it was definitely annoying. You weren't that interested in him to think that he was being mean because he was secretly in love with you. That was a myth, a pathetic myth, wasn't it? No, you wouldn't steep that low. He was just an arse, full stop.

You turn around with an eye-roll, and within seeing his face, you nearly clench your fists like a ten-year-old. "Do you live here?" You ask, hoping the boring expression on your face is also detectable in your tone.

It's certainly not a surprise when Harry scoffs.

"I don't, but I picked this room first. Since, you know," he looks around, and walks further into the room, finally stopping at the feet of the bed. "You were late. As per."

"Oh fuck off. This isn't summer camp. Besides, I don't see any of your shit around. The room was empty when I arrived."

"If you bothered to look inside the wardrobe..."

Seriously, you find yourself thinking, how the fuck did you ever end up with this man. Naked.

There's a commotion downstairs, so you both turn to the door, but much to your dismay, there's no one coming to check up on you and hopefully, save you from Harry Styles' pathetic gob.

You turn towards the window again, eyes squinting briefly at the last bits of sunshine that's glinting from between the branches.

"Well. You shouldn't have left then. You weren't here when I arrived."

Harry shakes his head, and you swear you can see his nostrils flaring if you look carefully. Though, you just watch him with a smug smile on your face as he walks to the wardrobe and pulls open the white doors. True to his word, his clothes are there, perfectly folded, and for a moment you feel a pang of guilt before you look back up at his face and see the furrowed eyebrows.

"See. My clothes. I'm sure Sarah will sort it out for you, find you another room or summat."

"There's only three bedrooms. Can't sleep with a pregnant woman and her boyfriend, can I?"

"What about Rachel and David? Aren't you best friend's with her?"

"Harry, you're ridiculous. Just–" you wipe the sweat off of your forehead, feeling yourself grow hotter and hotter each passing minute. "–just sleep on the sofa. This is my first vacation this year. You go on holidays every week or so. Let us commoners have this."

"Oh, please. Didn't you have a girls weekend getaway or whatever the fuck in Soho Farmhouse two weeks ago?"

You can't help the scoff that leaves your mouth, and a raised eyebrow follows. "How do you know about that?"

"Because," he rolls his eyes, and slams the wardrobe shut. "You post seven hundred stories every day."

"You're a stalker."

"You sleep on the sofa."

You smirk, noticing how he avoided your previous statement.

To be fair, you hated posting on your story. Though, knowing Harry followed you on Instagram made posting on there fun, and seeing his username on the list of who watched your stories pop up at the very top every single time whenever you posted a story almost made you let out a mingy little laugh and rub your hands together, and scream "gotcha!".

"I won't."

"You're getting on my nerves."

"What a coincidence," you ignore the stare he's sending your way and walk towards your carry on, and start taking the contents out one by one, laying everything on the bed.

He watches with a scowl on his face, arms crossed across his chest, and a satisfied smile paints your features as you take out the toiletries bag next.

"Are you seriously unpacking right now?" Harry cranes his neck so he can see better. He looks ridiculous, standing in the middle of the room with arms crossed, but you refrain from saying anything.

In fact, you don't even answer him. Perhaps, you find yourself thinking, it was silly to unpack your underwear first. It wasn't as if you brought super "sexy" shit or lace everything. You can definitely feel his gaze watching your every movement as you take everything out carefully and place them on top of each other. With most of your underwear in hand, you get on one knee in front of the bedside table and open the drawer, placing everything inside and it's surprising how he hasn't claimed the bedside table yet.

"Look," he sighs. "I'll talk to Sarah, maybe you can sleep with her and Mitch–"

"–don't be stupid we're not making them sleep with other people because you can't be a gentleman and sleep on the sofa."

"Oh for fuck's sake," he growls, and you finally look at him, eyebrows raised in hopes of making him feel as stupid as he sounds right now. Unfortunately, though, he continues, "Okay, damn it, I'll sleep on the floor."

Fool.

"Common sense, Harry. Always pick sofa. No matter what."

"Were you born to make my life a living hell?"

"Look," you sit on the bed, and look around. "This is boring me to death. I'm sleeping on the bed. If you shut your gob, you can sleep with me on the bed."

Harry lets out an obnoxious laugh. "Just admit I was here first and you didn't bother checking the–"

"Yes, I didn't and what about it? I'm here now, aren't I? I'm on the bed, babes. Anyway," you get on your feet, and with one last look at him, you start walking towards the door. "I'll see you in a bit. I guess."

You both manage to avoid each other as much as you can throughout the day, and really, it wasn't that hard considering the good company of your friends, good food and good alcohol. You mainly helped Sarah and Rachel in the kitchen as the men lounged on the sun loungers, Mitch handling the grill and David helping you guys with the drinks that came in and out of the house pretty quickly with the way you lot consumed them like water.

You spend the night eating, laughing and drinking, sometimes singing along to whatever song played on David's fancy Bluetooth speaker, and everyone begins ushering inside with full bellies and most of them–except the very pregnant Sarah–with a tipsy smile on their faces.

You leave before Harry though, leaving him smoking his last cigarette by the pool while you run up the stairs and into the room, closing the door behind you. You quickly get rid of the romper and get your favourite pyjamas on, eyes searching for the orange makeup bag so you can take off the remaining makeup before bed. You knew it was silly not to do your night routine, but you still zip the bag closed with a sad expression on your face, not wanting to see your toner and night cream any more than you needed to as you throw it on the floor next to your bags. It's pathetic really, how determined you are to get in the bed before Harry can that you forego your whole routine and stick to some cotton pads. Though, plugging your charger and getting between the cool sheets make you forget all about it as you let out a sigh, and unlock your phone to do your nightly scroll before falling asleep.

As you double tap on a selfie, the door opens, and you hear him scoff, again. You keep scrolling though, and try to sneak a few glances at him as he makes a beeline for the wardrobe, and to your surprise, begins to undress. You try to stay calm, and not to think about how domestic this whole thing seems; being in the same room as him as he gets ready for bed.

Right, getting ready for bed.

You keep your eyes on your phone as his clothes hit the floor one by one, and when you look up briefly, he's got a pair of joggers on, and he's throwing the clothes he had on in the wardrobe.

He turns around, and find your gaze, and he rolls his eyes.

"I knew you'd be in bed, here, as soon as I heard someone running. Forgot you were a literal five-year-old," he mutters under his breath, loud enough so you can still hear him. "I'm not sleeping on the sofa."

"I love how you're basically arguing with yourself."

"Like I said, I'm not sleeping on the sofa. I didn't come all the way to sleep on a bloody sofa."

"Suit yourself. I guess we're sharing. Unless," you lock your phone, and place it on the bedside table. "You want to share," you shrug, adjusting your pillow and sigh at the cool fabric against your hot cheeks.

You can feel him thinking, the wheels turning in his head, and you finally hear the floorboards creek underneath his feet as he walks closer to the bed, and pushes the sheets off of you. The whole thing.

You blink in surprise. "Stop it, dude! What the fuck."

"I'm getting in! Fuck's sake, be quiet."

"You did that just to annoy me."

You're both quiet for a minute, Harry taking his rings off and then comes his socks, and he finally copies you, laying on his back on the bed. He covers the both of you, though you know it's not intentional since he couldn't do it without covering his own body with the duvet, and then he lets out a strangled sigh.

"The bed's too small."

"Are you calling me fat?"

"What?" He turns his face to you, and perhaps it's the first time he's looking at you– really looking.

His brows are furrowed, and lips turned downwards in a pout.

"I'm taking the piss, Harry. I know you're not calling me fat."

"Good," he says, though his voice isn't exactly soft. "I wouldn't."

"Good."

Silence.

It's unbearable.

Despite the hot weather, you feel yourself shiver, and you wish you were the only one in bed so you could do the whole burrito technique with the duvet. Alas... you stay where you are. You both do.

A dog barks in the distance, the high-pitched bark coming through the open window, and you can feel Harry breathing too fast beside you. You want to shout at him, tell him to fuck off and... not breathe too fast, though it sounds a bit too rude even for you, so you stay silent and wait for the dog to pipe the fuck down.

You try to turn on your side, because you could never see yourself fall asleep laying on your back like a vampire, but you almost fall, not anticipating the tiny space you've got going on. It's bad, and you know you're not going to get a good sleep. So, you find yourself contemplating about getting up and sleeping on the sofa because honestly, fuck him.

Harry shuffles next to you, presumably trying to find a good position to sleep in himself, but he lets out a groan and it startles you.

"What's wrong with you!"

"The bed's too fucking small."

"We've established that."

He sniffs, hands clenching the sheets around his body. "I don't sleep on my back. My back hurts."

You don't say anything, hoping for him to just get up and leave, go sleep on the sofa. He doesn't, though. It's another fifteen minutes before you let out another sigh, trying to get comfortable on the bed, and Harry copies you. You both turn on your sides, facing each other and Harry groans when your knee makes contact with his thigh, making you cringe in embarrassment. A quiet sorry leaves your mouth and he shakes his head, then turns the other way, facing the door.

"Fuck," he spits after a minute. "If we both want to fit, we'll have to cuddle."

"Cuddle? Fuck no."

"Just," he turns to you again, but the bed is too small for you both so his knees touch yours. "Just come closer. Either that, or go sleep on the sofa."

"Why don't you–"

"You're so stubborn! Come closer, I won't eat you or fall in love with you. Fuck."

You groan, but oblige for some reason, feeling your heart beginning to beat faster for some ridiculous reason.

It's been a long time, you find yourself trying to convince your heart. It's been a long, long time since you've been this close to a human being. Too long since you've cuddled with someone, so obviously you were going to feel a little excited, and weird. Yes, definitely weird.

You get closer and he lifts up his arm, you both sharing a look before you roll your eyes and place your hand on his wrist, placing it on your hip. He's quiet, eyes searching yours, and the crease between his brows are gone, and you want to laugh, because who knew it only took your skin against his to wipe that stupid grimace off of his face.

"I still think you're annoying," Harry mumbles, clearly sleepy. His hold on your hip becomes tighter as his thumb strokes your skin over the fabric.

"I know. Just shut up and sleep."