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redbatchedcumbermayned · 4 months

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It all started under a duvet held up by an oar

Not so long ago I emailed Chris Tester, the voice of Heinrix van Calox in Owlcat’s recently released CRPG Rogue Trader, and asked if he would like to sit for an interview with me. Having some experience in interviewing people I like, most famously Oscar winner and all-around sweetheart Eddie Redmayne, this was not a completely nerve-wracking endeavour. And within a day of sending my email, Chris said yes. And what a pleasure it was interviewing him: Chris was so generous with his time, that the agreed upon 30 minutes turned into 50 minutes as we brushed upon many topics from his start as a theatre actor to his first voice-over role in a video game to his recently discovered hobby of playing D&D. Of course, we also spoke about all things Warhammer 40k, his new found fame brought on by voicing Heinrix and the insights he could share about the character.

I will publish this interview in three parts over the next week in text form and with the accompanying audio file (the audio quality is not spectacular but tumblr limits uploads to 10MB). If you quote or reshare, please quote me as the original source.

Part 2 of the interview

Part 3 of the interview

Fran: Thank you very much for taking your time.

Chris Tester: That's no problem. No problem at all.

F: So then let's start. You graduated in 2008.

CT: I did. Yes.

F: You started out as a stage actor. Did you always want to become a stage actor or an actor in general? Tell us a bit about your career.

CT: I always wanted to be a stage actor. Yes, as soon as I knew that I wanted to be an actor, which probably wasn't until I was a teenager. But yeah, my first passion was always the stage, and that was kind of borne out in my career. I would have been open to TV and film of course, if it had come along, I'm a huge fan of TV and film as well, but I never got an audition for any TV or film work.

I think I literally did about three short films in my 10, 12 years of actually professionally acting, and it is one of those industries where the more you do of one thing, the more you seem to find yourself doing the same thing to a degree. So yes, watching Shakespeare from an early age was one of my first passions.

And that was what first planted the seed of wanting to do it myself. The whole aspect of live performance is still something that I'm very passionate about. Up until 2020, when the world changed, I was trying to do two or three theatre shows a year, but since 2020, I haven't been near a stage and I doubt right now, especially with the way that the UK theatre scene is going, that I'm going to be back on stage anytime soon. I am resigned to that, but at some point in my career, I know I will be on stage again, because I can't live without it, but only for the right thing, both financially, but more importantly, creatively.

F: Your production company is currently on hiatus?

CT: I was the producer of a theatre company, which was run and was the baby of the director of the company, a guy called Ross Armstrong, who's one of the most talented writers and directors that I've ever worked with. I was helping out with a lot of the administration stuff so that he could still put me in plays. Instead of creating my own work because I'm not a very good writer or the best writer in the world, I support those people who will write me good parts. So yes, it is currently on hiatus, but never say never, we would always be looking to get back. It's difficult right now. It's difficult for all of us, because arts council subsidy, that way of being able to fund stuff, is drying up. We were doing a national tour of the UK when we were doing that [with the support of a subsidy]. There's even less money, there's even more people. I won't bore you with anything more than that, but it's kind of tough. We'd like to come back, but in the right way, and that's tricky to negotiate.

F: It's always hard as a stage actor to earn a living.

CT: Well, I've been spoiled by voice-over as well, and whereas when I was in my 20s and 30s then you're all about your art. And of course, I'm still all about my art, but I'm also about my wife and my cat and the mortgage and the bills and wanting to have nicer things to a degree as well. I've come to terms with that and voice-over does facilitate that as well as it opens you up to different roles and working with different people. So, I can't complain.

F: It's quite similar with making a living as a writer, because with a steady income you get used to a certain standard of living and once you have obligations and bills to pay, I think the stress on your mental health being creative and having all the stresses of regular life thrust upon you brings with it a challenge.

CT: It's a cliche we can very easily fall into: if I'm suffering, then it means I'm an artist. And that's not necessarily very true. It very often means that the art that we create only reflects one aspect of our lives, and it's usually a very tortured one. I am also about having wider experiences and broadening myself out. Whereas I think when I was in my twenties, I was thinking a bit more like: Oh, I'll experience the world and life through my art and just purely through my art. Whereas now necessarily I need to have a life outside of it as well, and then I can justify like I have the life so that I can feed my art or not, whatever. You know, I'll be a better artist by having a bit of a life outside of it. Maybe.

F: But that's what your twenties are for.

CT: Yeah, indeed.

F: Doing the crazy stuff, doing the band stuff

CT: Yeah, yeah, exactly. So, there was certainly an aspect of that in my twenties.

F: So, what brought you to voice acting or voice-over work initially?

CT: Money. Video game stuff is kind of sexy and cool, and I'm a gamer, so that's important. Before I was a video gamer, I was a board gamer and off the back of that, I was a voracious video gamer, partly because I wasn't very good at team sports at school. I was always the person who was picked last in the football team. So that becomes part of your identity for better or worse. But video games, I was pretty good at, not amazing, but I was pretty good at, and I enjoyed it. And it gave me a different form of escapism as well, and off the back of that I always had an interest in them.

So, the very first voiceover job was a video game: Dark Souls, which is quite a big franchise. At that time, I was your very typically jobbing actor. My acting agent came in and said: I got something for you. And so, I went in with that. But it was only in 2016, 2017 that I realised it was something that you could actually do yourself. People had recording studios at home and they were contacting people directly, not just going through agents. Because I'd basically written to the same 20 voice agents in the UK, mainly in London for like eight years in a row and not received anything. So, you keep knocking on those doors hoping.

Before I'd even graduated from drama school, I'd burnt a CD and made these cases with my headshot on it and sent them all off at what at the time felt like great personal expense and didn't get anything for eight years in a row. So, I was a bit like, I'm obviously doing something wrong, but I don't really know what, because I'm doing these workshops and getting good feedback. Then I found out through a couple of online courses, that there were ways and means of doing it myself, and that was a bit of a game changer for me, and within six months of having started, I was earning more through voice work than the bar job and the box office job that I was doing combined. Within six months, I was kind of like: “I gotta quit because I'm actually holding myself back from things.” So that was quite a big shift.

F: Somewhere you said, you started out under a duvet and with an oar.

CT: Yeah. On my website, I do have an image of it. [Dear reader, I could not locate this elusive photo] I literally had to take the duvet off my bed and put it into the living room, which was the quietest space in my then shared flat. I also had to wait until after one flat mate had watched TV and another one had used the table that had their washing on it. One of my flat mates had stolen an oar from some night out and that was perfect in order to be able to erect it over my head and the duvet as a frame.

I did probably the first four or five months of voice recording like that. Probably about 10, 15 voiceover jobs that I actually got paid for, I was using that because it worked well enough. Since then, I've gone through various different iterations of a setup in the bedroom, to a setup in the hallway, to my current setup. In 2020 we moved to our first house, and this is the spare bedroom which I've had converted into a studio, which means my cat can be here asleep on me or near me getting fur everywhere, but it's fine. I can thrash around and I've got natural light to work in at the same time, which I find quite important. [Pictured below Chris' current setup.]

F: Very pretty. That's good. Guide us through a typical day of yours, if you like.

CT: Oh, sure. I mean, there is no typical day. And yet, and yet, and yet. A typical day for me is, because I am spending the vast majority of the day sitting in this room or somewhere close to this room, because I may need to record at short notice, because the vast majority of jobs are quite short notice. My priority is exercise for mental health more than anything. I've got some weights at the bottom of the garden, and I will get up first thing, and I will go there and I will do that after breakfast. And that's my minimal routine of physical activity done.

And then I'll come back, and this is so rock and roll. Now what I do is, I spend like an hour on LinkedIn. And that's what you dreamed of as a creative person. Isn't it as an actor? I spend time on LinkedIn regularly every day, because it's a really good networking place for a lot of my types of work, and first thing in the morning, I'm a bit mentally sharper. So that's when I come up with a quick post that may be inspired by a bit of content that I've made elsewhere. That probably takes about 20 minutes and then I spend another 45 minutes to an hour engaging with people and saying hi and introducing myself and asking questions, whether that's with video producers or game developers or documentary makers or pretty much anything and everything. There are a lot of people who are active at that time. And so I do it.

And then after that, if I already have some recording lined up, then I'll prioritise mid-morning, because I've warmed up physically a bit more then, and I'm focused. So, you're going through the scripts, annotating the scripts, recording the scripts, editing the scripts. But then there could be live sessions at any time within that as well. I try to keep hours from nine till six. But occasionally, like with Rogue Trader, that was recorded at various different times of the day because we had people in New York, we had people in mainland Europe, and we had people in the UK. So all different time zones, so that can happen at any time.

And then I try to do other kinds of bits and pieces of marketing whenever I've got free time to. I do use really exciting productivity hacks, like time blocking. Again, not something that as a creative individual, I was like: Oh God, this gets me so excited, because it doesn't, but it works. It's finding a system that works for you, but still has a certain kind of flexibility and fluidity. I'm trying to make sure that I get outside of the house, and that kind of stuff.

Recently, over the last year, I’ve started doing audiobooks as well. That long form type of thing is quite nice to be able to dip into because sometimes you don't record for two, three days. You don't get the work. Nothing’s coming in. So, you’re marketing, but it kind of connects you back to the performance side of things to go: I can do a few chapters and you know, that kind of thing. So that's probably it. I try to formalise it, but you know, every voice actor’s day is radically different. There are people, some of the biggest names, going into different studios every week or every day. I very rarely, despite being based in London, I very rarely go into external studios. Like I would say 99 percent of the work I just do from home.

F: So how do you find the right voice for the specific type of voiceover work you do, maybe start with how did you find Heinrix's voice?

CT: Thankfully, Owlcat sent through quite a detailed casting breakdown. So, you get a picture, and that's pretty crucial, as well as a short bio, in terms of the background of the character, but not too much, because you have to sign an NDA, a non-disclosure agreement. But even if you do sign an NDA, I think developers are always slightly hesitant of giving you too much info about the game because things could still be changed. But I think I did get a picture of Heinrix, if not in the first audition, then certainly on the second one. From that you immediately think about the physicality and what might affect the voice, and there was also some direction in terms of what they were looking for. Anybody who has heard the character and me, they do not sound radically dissimilar. There's not a transformative process that I needed to go through, other than his sense of authority and the space that he takes up and the sureness that he has in that he has a kind of divine right from the emperor, so that level of confidence being brought through.

The other part of the audition was about the void ship [the Black Ship] that he'd been raised in and the horrors that he'd seen. And you as the actor have to do the detective work to go like this is showing another side, the more vulnerable side, the side that underpins all of his life choices up to this point. It's essentially playing the opposite to a degree. So it was kind of knowing when to let those elements bleed through a little bit. I think I had probably about a page worth of scripts, quite a lot of script actually to audition with.

But I don't like to listen back to it a lot, because I think you get into your head. My biggest thing is stage work where it's ephemeral. You say it once and it could be different the next night. The whole point is that there's no one definitive way of doing things. Not quite the same with voice acting, where it's being recorded and you've got to get used to hearing it back. But I try not to overthink it. Just like record it two or three times with different impulses and then review and go like, those two seem pretty contrasting. I'll send those along and hope and then never hear anything back unless I do.

#chris tester #heinrix van calox #rogue trader #warhammer 40k #rouge trader crpg #owlcat games

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linddzz · 8 months

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Here an assortment of Facts About Morpheus in the Red Flags AU. Where I'm starting to lean more towards the version where they meet and are already into each other before the ""Fake Date"" Incident:

-Jessamy is the raven he took care of when he found her injured outside of his townhome. He now has a room with a window he often keeps open for her to fly into whenever she feels like it. I don't know how legal any of this is in London but tbh it doesn't matter because he also does not know what the laws are and doesn't care.

- His townhome is very dark maximalist in decor, which tends to surprise people at first. There are houseplants and little statues all over, and the walls are hidden behind millions of bookshelves. There is an art studio room and books scattered everywhere. Very recently, hypothetical visitors would notice a lot of child locks and child proofed areas that have a bit of a panicked "I bought every safety thing in the store bc I have no idea wtf I'm doing" energy to them.

- He has a therapist. Yes, the Morpheus that Hob meets is the upgraded version who is actually working on himself already. This is what the improved personal growth version of Morpheus is like.

Anyway, said therapist is Gilbert F. Greene. Because Morpheus going head to head with an unstoppable force of old timey adorable optimism who will also not take his shit is delightful. Dr. Greene insists on going by first names and Morpheus always makes "Gilbert" sound like a slur in retaliation. Some conversations I imagine include:

"Good morning Gilbert, you will never guess who had what you might call a """relapse into self destructive behaviors"""" last night."

"I am very sorry to hear that my dear boy. Let me say though, that I am so very proud of you for calling me! That is a phenomenal step for you and it's wonderful that you are being proactive in your recovery."

"Don't patronize me Gilbert. I will hang up."

(this ended up being super long so I'm just gonna spare y'all's dash. Warning for some lightly touched on mentions of drug use and self destructive behavior.)

- Him getting a therapist was part of the requirements for gaining visitation rights and then weekend custody once a month with Orpheus. The therapy is actually helping, and he's bitter about that.

- His given name is actually Dream, he goes by his middle name. All the Endless siblings have awful names. Desire goes by Adonai because who calls a fucking child Desire???

When Hob meets the rest of the family, Destiny goes "it's good to see you again, Dream" and Hob begins turning to Morpheus like "lmao who tf is named Dream" only to find Morpheus glaring daggers at his brother.

- The Endless parents are rarely around. Some of the siblings still live in the manor and they all use it for family dinners, but it's common for their parents to be off travelling for years at a time.

- Morpheus is an author and a painter who has a bajillion pen names to go with each genre he writes in, so it's hard to figure out exactly how much he's written. Even before becoming a father though, his face and full name is mostly associated with children's fantasy stories that he illustrates himself, and his Art vs Artist vibe is very Miyazaki.

Him and Calliope collaborated on a series of illustrated poetic translations of ancient epics. Their divorce was exactly as messy as one might imagine the divorce between two passionate artist types might be.

- His downward spiral of self destruction started before the divorce but oh boy did it nosedive during and after.

- When she got pregnant after divorce proceedings had started, there was a moment where they were both meeting with lawyers and one asked something along the lines of if this meant they would try for reconciliation and staying together. Calliope said "no" immediately.

It's not like Morpheus exactly thought they would get back together, but the speed and firmness of that hard "no" had his head screaming with white noise and some badly thought out self medication for months, which ended up being why Calliope got full custody and he is just now able to get more involved with the now two year old Orpheus.

- His rebound with Thessaly was also messy. She was just in it for a fun fling and he was... Morpheus. He found out he got dumped when she informed him she was already in the process of moving back to Greece, and Johanna said he needed to be banned from any more beautiful Greek expats from that day forth.

- No one can figure out what the deal is with him and Lucienne. The simple explanation is they're queerplatonic soul mates. Lucienne's wife Gault thinks they're a bit codependent (not an inaccurate assessment), but is more civil with him since the day she yelled at him to go get an actual therapist instead of constantly putting his shit on Lucienne, and he actually did. (It is unclear if this or Calliope demanding therapy for him to get visitation with Orpheus was his wake up call catalyst, but probably a bit of both.)

- Lucienne was originally a personal assistant. She now works as his editor since she seems to be the only person who can keep track of all the shit he's written. She is also the only person who can get away with critiquing his works in progress without sending him into a fit where he might burn all his manuscripts.

- When Morpheus started mentioning this Gadling guy a lot, Lucienne paid a visit to the pub. Not to do anything so crude as to threaten a man's life if he breaks her sensitive friend's heart. What could she do anyway? No no. She's just here to smile with zero trace of humor and ask some questions while looking him up and down through her spectacles. Hob will later describe this as one of the most pants shitting moments of his life, and he felt like he got transformed back into a primary school kid who talked slightly too loudly in the library.

- Morpheus went through a slutty phase during and shortly after University that was less of a healthy and fun exploration of his sexuality and libido, and a bit more "I will take anyone who will have me in any way they will want me and I know that if nothing else, I'm pretty."

- Him and Johanna used to have a game seeing who could get more free drinks in one night. This had to be put to an end when it turned into the catalyst for at least three screaming fights between them.

Fight subjects were

Quality vs Quantity. Morpheus insists his ability to get people to buy him a single glass of wine that costs £50 beats Johanna's cheap beers. Johanna disagreed. loudly.

Is it cheating when Morpheus ran to the bathroom to smudge on some eyeliner and then stole Johanna's lip gloss? Is it further cheating when Johanna realized that his main method of getting drinks was "act like Adonai"? Accusations that he would ever act like his horrid annoying younger sibling sent Morpheus into an absolute tantrum.

Competitiveness DID overcome sibling rivalry enough for Morpheus to go to Adonai for makeover assistance. This backfired because it made Morpheus hot to the point of intimidating, and Johanna won that night.

- After Hob starts flirting with him, Morpheus goes suspiciously into a Romantic, Pre-Raphaelite inspired art era featuring lots of noble knights with dark sunlit hair. A lot of them seem to be lured in by dark haired fae entities all La Belle Sans Merci style. It's disgustingly obvious.

-Therapy has made him juuuuust self aware enough to know that he MAYBE tends to go a bit hard and fast with romance. This makes him a little more cautious with Hob than he usually would be, and he's doing a bit of "Hob is so nice and sweet and interested but I'm gonna mess it up :(((" pining. Everyone around him is fucking sick of it. He is not self aware enough to realize he's still going super hard and fast, but this time he's doing it while sighing sadly and drawing Hob in his sketchbook all the fucking time.

#red flags au #human au #Dreamling #gonna make my pinned masterpost to organize shit later today djdjdksk

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1shirt2shirtredshirtdeadshirt · 1 year

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I woke up this morning and saw I had a message in my inbox on AO3, presumably about by new fic, and was excited to see the feedback.

When I read what they wrote it was a small comment that said "stop using sudowrite".

Had no idea what that even means, so I had to look it up and found out it's some form of a writing AI.

Absolutely fuming.

I want to make something abundantly clear right now:

I have not been hand writing and editing all of my own stories, hundreds of pages worth of personally hand written or hand typed content for the past 16 years, only to get accused of using any form of lazy ass writing AI now.

This is what I love to do. For fun.

I put in a lot of unpaid time, creativity and energy into my writing and editing. The only thing I ask for in return is participation from the fandoms I love, be it via thoughtful feedback or valid criticisms.

But this is neither of those things. This is just an outright, baseless lie against the art that I have worked so hard to make myself, and I won't be undermined or discredited.

There's anger, and then there's whatever space I am occupying well past it right now.

It's infuriating to pour hours of my love, thought and creativity into original content only to have someone come out of nowhere and try to tell me I've been having an AI do it, especially 16 years deep.

Bitch please.

I also found out that app came out in 2020 . . . As I mentioned, I published my first K/S story in 2008 as Ruby JW on the K/S archives, and my first fanfic on fanfic.net was published in 2007 as luigi_is_stellar.

I invite anyone to peruse my decades-long collection of independent content that I have single-handedly accomplished well before such an app even existed, then come back to me and try to tell me that what I do here isn't authentic.

I don't usually get spicy, but when it comes to the art I spend hours writing and drawing independently with my own blood sweat and tears, yeah. I'm going to get spicy.

I do far too much unpaid work out of passion and love for this fandom to have such a serious accusation flung my way out of nowhere.

It's the first time in my 16 years of writing for this fandom that I've ever been accused of plagiarism, and you best trust and believe that I don't take that accusation lightly. I work too damn hard to let someone discredit the work I do personally in such a baseless manner.

Anyway, that was discouraging AF. I am boggled to learn that AI writing is even a thing, no less someone coming out of the woodwork to try to accuse me of using it 16 years into story publishing when I literally teach academic honesty and writing ethics in my line of paid work as an English professional.

Genuinely: Do you know who you're talking to?

A bit of background on me:

I come from a not-so-wealthy family who could not afford to pay to put me through school -- I paid for that all on my own. I had to earn my University English degree, one of four University degrees I hold on my own work and pay alone, without so much as a tutoring session or handout from home.

Not once would I have jeopardized everything I worked so hard and paid for out of my own pocket as a poor ass uni student working two jobs and doing night classes just to phone it in plagiarizing, not on one ounce of my work.

That was all me.

I've handwritten 3 MLA essays in under three hour exams BACK TO BACK, immediately followed by back-to-back Biology exams & a final lab where I ALSO had to write multiple essays and switch from MLA to APA mode within the span of 6 hours.

Those were all bound in handwritten yellow booklets well before we ever had Google Docs, Grammarly, formatting suggestions, or even regularly brought/had access to laptops in UNI. I did my work by hand.

I earned my degrees in English and Biology AT THE SAME TIME before I even turned 24. I earned a double major handwriting my own work papers like my life depended on it, and you actually think I'm about to phone it in now?

Step to me like that again, young blood. I ain't the one.😂

Anyway, I digress.

Ya girl ain't here to fight BC y'all know I tend to be very easygoing, full of humour, and I love to joke around in the fandom. I'm pretty wide open to opposing opinions or even criticisms. But this is unfounded slander, and I won't be taking that on the chin.

When it comes to my work, I take that very seriously, and I don't play around. My late father once told me that "The work you do and the degrees you earn are yours and yours alone, they can never take that education from you." I live by that sentiment, and have done so by putting forth honest work.

Be it paid or unpaid work, it's my work. Periodt.

It is an unfathomably disheartening and insulting message to receive as someone who writes all their own stuff themselves, draws all their own fanart themselves, does their own photo edits themselves, edits their writing themselves, and has never even used so much as a single outside beta reader/editor for my work. Not once. The art, the writing, the editing -- It's all me.

Bottom line:

Say you do or don't like my work, that's cash money and we good, whether it's your cup of tea or not.

Butt know that it is my work.

I will not put all of this free time, effort and love into my work only to be accused of lazily ripping the content that I have spent hours writing and personally editing from somewhere else.

And on that note, consider my PSA rant ended.

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genevawrenn · 5 months

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I am just going to put this at the top : this post is going to be a long vent about missing Technoblade, please scroll on if you do not wish to read.

We are coming up on two years without him.

We are also coming up on three years since I discovered his content.

I thought I was at the point I could watch one of his videos tonight, as I used to often do when I am doing tasks or writing he was always the background noise I used. I remember calling into work when he streamed for the sheer sake of enjoying them while they happened the few times I caught them before...well. I think you know. He was the reason my passion for writing came back to life and I believed I could actually follow my lifelong dream of eventually publishing a story.

But I suppose the part I always forget about grief is the absence of the unique spirit that person brought to your life. I found his content and engaged with it instantly, developing one of the longest running fixations I have had in a good while. The sheer excitement I'd have getting the notification he went live for one of his rare streams.

I don't think it truly sunk in when he announced his diagnosis. I remember discussing it with the irl friend who got me into watching him and both of us laughed, saying he's strong enough to fight off anything.

A few months pass with his rare posts and there was always this tiny little bit of intuition I had where he never told us what severity of cancer it was. Like he was a very private guy, yes, but this seemed extra...odd.

Then I remember the way my heart sunk when 'so long nerds' popped into my notification bar. The dashing of my heart against the floor texting people as I tearfully listened to Technodad tell us the words his son Alex wished for us to hear.

Its been a long two years. Its been great ones, tbh. I found a new passion with QSMP and Hermitcraft after the finishing of DSMP [tho c!Techno will forever remain close to my heart]. I kept writing, with over half a million words in published fics on ao3 and several WIP including 3 original novels.

But the only one I ever wanted to thank for helping me find my creativity again I can't, and I never will be able to.

I miss Technoblade.

I will never stop missing him.

I wish he could have laughed with his friends for many years yet, being silently proud of their accomplishments while he messed with people on the QSMP. I wish he could have had another MCC with friends.

I wish his unique soul wasn't taken from us so soon, as we weren't done following our hero yet.

But the only thing I can do now is continue to speak his tales. The first book I properly publish, the gratitude page is going to be addressed to him. I will continue to tell others about his accomplishments and tell them to go watch his content on his Youtube channel [get him to 17 million!]! Buy some of his merch [when it comes back in stock]! Support his family & friends!

Though he would call us nerds for crying, I think its beautiful how many lives he touched and how many thousands mourned his passing. He was a light all corners of the MCYT sphere and beyond saw and respected, and not too many creators can claim such an honour.

I'll always be a Voice at my core. Even if I spend my time these days as a crow, a huevito, a ferret, a tubling, a doozer and many more, my heart will forever belong to Technoblade.

Please keep creating art and writing in his name. I love scrolling the fanart tags and adore every piece I come across with my favourite piglin in them. Please, please, please keep saying his name. Sing his legends. Make references, continue the jokes, hang out in one of his friends chats and support the people he loved.

Support those who are still here, even if your heart hurts.

It's only painful because we all loved him so much, which is a beautiful type of sorrow.

#wrenrambles #technoblade #subscribe to technoblade #technoblade never dies #techno fanart #dsmp techno #technoblade fanart #technofanart #technoblade fanfiction #technoblade fanfic #technobladefanart

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secretsandpurplethoughtss · 4 months

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MCL Castiel: One Step into the Future

♥ pairing: Castiel x Candy (named Ella), Lysander x another Candy (named Crystal) - both female, using she/her pronouns

♥ wc: 6'768

♥ summary: Castiel's girlfriend is pregnant, and he is having a tough time with that because of his issues with his parents. He goes to Lysander's farm to reconnect with him (after growing apart when Lysander moved away) and hopes to sort out his issues with his former best friend.

♥ warnings: mention of negelect, fall-out (friendship), mention of death (parents), unhealthy relationships w/ parents

There were three things Castiel Veilmont was sure about all his life:

He’d become a famous musician.

He didn’t necessarily need many people around him to enjoy his life.

He would never ever have children.

As time passed, Castiel knew he was right about all these things. His band was getting more beloved by the day, and he loved every minute of the rockstar lifestyle. If he continued playing his cards right – following his passion, creating music, and having fun, Castiel knew that one day, he and his bandmates would sell out entire stadiums. Right now, they were just playing at festivals and doing small tours across the country, but their fan base and the clicks on their music videos kept growing. His professional life and also his private life seemed to be going well. He didn’t have many people around him (he always suspected this would be the case). Still, those he held close to his heart not only inspired him to create more meaningful songs but also encouraged him to be the best version of himself, a version he never even thought he could ever be. Castiel, of course, often found himself thinking about Zackary, his old bandmate, once one of his best friends, but his betrayal didn’t hurt as much as it did in the beginning. He knew that he and his band “Crowstorm” were thriving and were definitely better off now than before with Zackary, even if he was thankful for all the things Zackary did for the band in the past. Surprisingly, there wasn’t much of a mourning period after Zackary left: Jules replaced him almost immediately. Castiel and Jules knew each other as teenagers but hadn’t been in contact for years. She heard all about the drama that was going on with Crowstorm at the time and how Zackary tried to get Castiel cancelled and kicked off the group – and so, Jules reached out to catch up and to show sympathy regarding his situation. The two of them met up for coffee and talked for hours. He ended up introducing Jules to his other bandmates that night (Gabin and Leopoldine), and they played music together. Jules was not only excellent but also a natural fit for the band. Maybe even more natural than Zackary once was. There was no doubt in Castiel’s mind that Zackary always gave his all, but Jules was more playful and curious, letting them sometimes just explore their ideas for hours, and was okay with not making any progress on songs and albums in the name of art. This freedom made them better musicians, made their new albums more exciting, and although they dreamt of getting big one day and were quite serious about doing so, with Jules, the feeling of “just a bunch of friends having fun while making music” was found once again.

Even Castiel’s girlfriend, Ella, seemed to notice the changes in Castiel’s demeanor whenever he came home from practice or writing sessions.

“I know that Zackary was a good friend for a long time, but… I love how you changed with him gone and Jules in the picture.” Ella told him one night as he sat at the counter, watching her “cook” their dinner.

“Am I really that different? Or are you just crushing on Jules? You know she has a girlfriend, right?” he joked lightheartedly about Ella’s “obsession” with Jules.

“Very funny. You know you should quit being a rockstar and become a comedian! Then I wouldn’t be the only one who had to hear your smart jokes.” She rolled her eyes but still smiled as she stirred whatever she was making in the pot. “You did really change, though. You’re less stressed, you come home smiling and with flowers… and you’re just so inspired all the time now!”

Castiel nodded thoughtfully, reflecting on the stark contrast in his demeanor. He vividly recalled the days of seething anger and overwhelming stress, moments when he contemplated abandoning everything - the band, the music. But since Zackary’s departure, those thoughts had ceased to haunt him.

“You know… The inspiring part is also thanks to you.” He got up and put his arm around Ella from behind. He knew he was lucky with her – even if she was absolutely horrendous in the kitchen, and he fought his “fight or flight reflex” every time he was forced to eat one of her home-cooked meals. Even with that in mind, Ella was everything he not only wanted in a partner, but also everything he needed.

Life became… easy at some point. Castiel was good at the whole “rockstar” thing, even parts he never imagined he would be – like all the photoshoots, interviews, and social media stuff he used to hate. He liked his privacy, sure, but he naturally became more outgoing, easy-going, and less angry as he kept getting older and enjoying the life he was building. Though he wished he could not post so much on his Instagram account and people wouldn’t try to take pictures of him wherever he went, he was getting used to it all. He enjoyed the predictable moments with Ella and his friends, but he liked the surprises and “adventures” his job had in store for him. But as he settled into his life, there was a “surprise” he never in a million years expected: Ella was pregnant.

She told him over Facetime while he was on tour with Crowstorm… In the beginning, she wanted to wait for him to come home and tell him in person, but she looked and sounded so stressed during their daily video call that Castiel kept asking and pushing her about why she was acting so strange. “I know we talked about having kids before, but… we never came to an actual conclusion. You were never the biggest fan of having kids, but we’ve grown and changed since we last had this conversation… so I guess I’m asking you where you’re at right now?” she asked him.

Whenever the conversation about having kids arose, he told Ella about his worries about being a good father and not having any idea what a good father was actually supposed to be like. Not to mention how busy he and Ella were all the time – he knew very well what it was like to be the child of two busy people, people who were married to their jobs, who put their passion above their family. Growing up, Castiel often wondered why his parents ever decided to have him, when it was always clear to them that they’d never be around. His father, Jean-Louis, was a pilot before he was a father, and his mother, Valerie, was a flight attendant before she was a mother. They barely spent any time at home, and up until the age of eight, his grandmother looked after him, always coming around and cooking meals and helping him with his homework. Then she died, and Castiel was left alone, growing very independent but also always finding himself in uncomfortable situations, making excuses about his parents’ whereabouts whenever he did the weekly shopping at the store, ran into the mailman and the neighbors outside, or when someone important called the house phone, wanting to speak with his parents. Castiel spent his days in solitude and became an absolute loner – later in life, he often wondered if he would have ended up more social if he had grown up different, more normal, and more traditional. At some point, he stopped thinking about the “what could have been,” though.

Thankfully, his parents gave him his best friend, Demon, one Christmas. Castiel suspected they might have felt guilty about never being around but not guilty enough to make a change regarding their professional lives. As a kid, he would have loved to have his parents around more, but even then, he knew it would never happen, so he took the win: Demon became his family. The two of them would do everything together. He dropped him off every morning at dog daycare before school, trained him, took daily walks with him, and found himself taking his dog everywhere. Restaurants on rare occasions, he went out to eat, band rehearsals with his first band (old band), or even just to spend time at the beach on those hot summer days. When Castiel found out that he had a half-sister, who was six months younger than him, from an affair his father had while his mother was pregnant with him, things drastically changed. Violet, his sister, moved in with him because she couldn’t stay with her mother or her mother’s side of the family any longer, and suddenly, there was more life in the house he lived in than ever before. He had to learn what it meant to share his space – because he definitely didn’t even try to do so on those couple of days his parents were at home out of anger at them – and how to be part of a family that didn’t mean just his dog. And while Castiel became an exemplary brother, looking after his little sister – because Violet definitely needed to be looked after – he never believed himself to be a great caregiver or a possible father figure. Castiel’s family was so different from everyone else’s; he had such a vague idea of what an actual family was supposed to look like that the thought of having children of his own terrified him. Ella gave him time to process, and she promised she wouldn’t bring it up until he had time to think – the deadline was the day he returned home. He wanted to uphold his promise, but the tour was a great distraction, which he happily used for the following three weeks. The day he was supposed to go home and have a conversation with his girlfriend about what their family would look like in the future, he felt physically sick standing in front of the apartment building, unable to walk in and face the reality of seeing Ella pregnant. Although he had just gotten off the tour bus and he knew Ella was waiting for him in their apartment, he took a taxi to the train station. He told himself he wasn’t really running away as he bought a ticket to visit an old friend… Lysander.

Lysander and Castiel were best friends in high school but slowly grew apart after college. He knew this had a lot to do with Lysander’s parent’s death, the event changing Lysander into someone Castiel had difficulty recognizing from time to time. Lysander moved back home onto the family farm, the same farm he was running away from when he decided to move in with his older brother, Leigh, and lead his life in the city at the age of fourteen. All the plans Lysander, not only him, but the two of them had together were suddenly not important anymore: Lysander was desperate to connect with his dead parents and to please them even, or really, especially in death by overtaking the farm he used to hate growing up. Instead of a famous poet, composer, musician, or singer, Lysander became a farmer. Castiel was, of course, aware that he was a talented musician. Still, even he knew he’d probably never get on Lysander’s level because Lysander was special – a prodigy who walked away from the obvious path he should have taken. For years, he tried to convince Lysander to take back his own life, to live his life the way he desired to live it before he let his parent’s death control him, but Lysander never budged, and they just became angrier and more frustrated with each other. Castiel knew that Lysander wouldn’t have stayed in his life if it wasn’t for Ella’s twin sister, Crystal, the woman Lysander now called his wife. So, he and Castiel remained friendly for their partner’s sake, but their relationship didn’t feel like a friendship anymore. Castiel didn’t want to give up on the Lysander he once knew, and Lysander was furious with him for that. Surprisingly, even though they hadn’t talked (really talked) in a long time, Castiel found himself on a train to the farm, texting apologies to Ella for not coming home, for not being ready to talk to her about their future. Ella was furious with him, especially because she couldn’t understand why he would rather speak to Lysander, the guy who hadn’t been his friend, let alone his best friend for years at that point, than with her, his partner. Castiel couldn’t explain this sudden urge to see Lysander either, but he was somehow the person he needed at that moment – Castiel just hoped that Lysander wasn’t too mad at him to help him through this, and that Lysander didn’t completely change, unable to provide him with whatever he was looking for.

Crystal: Castiel, please tell me you didn’t actually run out on my pregnant sister!

Crystal: Is it true that you’re coming here for some reason?

He texted back and forth with Crystal, confirming that he was not only a colossal asshole but also an idiot for doing whatever he was doing. After five hours on the train, where he was either texting the twins (who were both pissed at him) or catching up on some much-needed sleep, he arrived at his destination, and Crystal was waiting for him at the station, clearly unhappy with the situation Castiel pulled her into.

“I’m guessing no hugs by your face.”, he tried to joke as he walked towards her.

Crystal was much more even-tempered than her twin, more logical than emotional. Yet, Castiel knew that he had majorly fucked up because he had never seen Crystal look at him or at anyone else before the way she was measuring him up then. “You should be glad I’m not putting you back on the train! Or punch you, for that matter...” she told him with ice-cold eyes and a dry tone.

She wasn’t a violent type or a person who made threats, so this was out of character for her. He made her act like this… She hadn’t talk to him this way even when he and Lysander fought.

“Where is Lysander?” he ignored the comment as he knew he deserved it.

“Working. Just because you decided to show up without even asking us first, doesn’t mean our world stops. If you’d ever visit us, you’d know that owning a farm is a lot of work, and we can’t really do anything spontaneously.”, she explained to him as he put his luggages in the back of the dark green pick-up truck. She was right about this – Castiel refused to visit them and to accept that Lysander and Crystal living on this farm was not just a temporary thing. He had no idea what the farm looked like, and he only had a handful of information about it because, over the years at family gatherings, he has overheard both Lysander and Crystal talking about running it.

“I’m sorry.” Castiel apologized to her as they both took their seats in the truck. Crystal didn’t start the car; she just looked forward, thinking hard about what she wanted to say to him.

“I understand that you had a difficult and very different childhood than most people get in life, but Ella and I also did not grow up under normal circumstances. I cannot comprehend why you would ever think she would not understand your fear of becoming a parent.”

Castiel, of course, knew that the Shepherd-Quinn children weren’t really raised by their parents but by their nannies, chefs, and other staff members. Like many children born into wealth, when it came to parental figures, they first thought of people who worked for them, then their actual parents. Still… this was different. The twins and their older brother, Xavier, had people to look up to, and they had parental figures in their lives – it just wasn’t the people who were their actual parents. Castiel had no one he could consider a parent or a parent-like figure.

“It’s not the same thing. I… I know that Ella would understand to an extent, but… It’s just not the same thing.”

“Well, Lysander’s situation is even more different. He had two very loving parents who raised him until he turned fourteen and left for the city. Even after he moved out, his parents called him daily and looked after him from afar.”, Crystal argued, still not starting the car.

“I know that! Crystal, I can’t explain myself, okay? I don’t know why it’s Lysander who I need right now, but it is!”

“Okay...” without looking at him, Crystal started up the car and began driving towards the farm.

Some sad song was playing on the radio, which further worsened his already sour mood, but Castiel was too scared to ask Crystal to change the station or to change it himself. During the entire drive, they didn’t speak – which was unusual. They have always gotten along and always had something to talk about: Castiel feared that he’d also finally lost Crystal, just like how he lost Lysander.

Even during the drive Castiel, could already see what both Lysander and Crystal liked about living in the countryside. While Castiel loved living in the city, he could finally recognize the beauty and the appeal of living in a small town like the one they lived in. Sure, the roads were bumpy, and some of the streets they’d driven on didn’t have actual roads, but there was beautiful nature all around them, with kids playing on the side of the roads and fat cats basking in the sun after they’d hunted down the dozens of country mice roaming around in the fields. Never in his life before did Castiel appreciate the simplicity of small towns, so he found himself ashamed of dragging them to filth in many arguments before with Lysander.

When they arrived at the Ainsworth family farm, Castiel was even more surprised because it did not look the way he had imagined it would. When they were teenagers, Lysander often told him how old and run-down the entire place looked, but it seemed like he and Crystal managed to renovate it into something straight out of a children’s book.

“This place is huge!” Castiel looked around with a wide-open mouth as he exited the car. “What crops are you guys growing here?”

“Carrots, corn, tomatoes, wheat, sunflowers, strawberries, grapes, and pumpkins. We also have some apple trees.”

“And you have bunnies, right?” Castiel knew that Lysander stopped eating meat when he took over the farm, feeling bad for eating the animals he was raising. Crystal was vegetarian before that. The two of them only had rabbits to sell because they found rabbits adorable. “Yes. Alongside our chickens, cows, sheep, goats, horses, llamas, our cat, Chubbs, and our dog, Belle.”

Castiel couldn’t start to imagine how much work it was to keep such a vast farm running and how many people Lysander and Crystal had to employ and keep their eyes on. Not to mention that, unlike Lysander, Crystal didn’t work full-time on the farm as she often drove into the city for performances – she was a relatively well-known opera singer.

“I am not sure where Lys is but let us go inside for now.”

Crystal showed him to one of their guestrooms. “Do you want to lay down for a while? You look tired, and Lys won’t be back in the house for hours…”

Castiel was itching to see Lysander and finally talk to him, but he also hadn’t slept well for a while, so he agreed to rest until Crystal came to get him. He slept in the soft, comfortable bed until 4 pm and would have slept longer if it wasn’t for Crystal waking him up.

“Rise and shine, Cas! Are you hungry?”

He was starving.

When they went downstairs into the kitchen, Castiel realized how authentic this house was to who Lysander and Crystal were. He always imagined it to be more representative of the previous owners, Lysander’s parents, but that wasn’t true at all. The colors, the furniture, and the decorations screamed of Lysander’s and Crystal’s taste. Although Lysander moved back here for his parents, it did seem like he made his new life here into something that was his own.

“You are gawking…” Crystal commented as she walked over to the kitchen counter, where freshly made, warm fennel carrot soup was on the stove. “Do you care for some soup and homemade bread?”

Castiel always knew that Crystal was way better in the kitchen than Ella, as Crystal had always been interested in cooking and learned to cook from their private chefs. He just never knew that it was a crime that Crystal didn’t own a five-star restaurant of her own – the bread she made from scratch, and the carrot soup she had given him was the best meal he had ever had.

“So, where is Lys?” he asked between bites, sitting at the long wooden table. Crystal has set the table for three, but Lysander was nowhere to be seen.

“Probably got distracted with something. He is horrible with time, you know that.”

He did know that about him and was glad that after all these years, there was something about Lysander that stayed the same.

“Are you guys… are you guys happy here?”

Crystal gave him a disapproving look regarding his question, thinking he was about to start another argument about their chosen lifestyle.

“No, no, no, I mean it for real… Is this life making you happy?”

Crystal eased back into her chair and smiled for the first time since Castiel had arrived. She smiled similarly to how Ella smiled, making Castiel’s heart tug as he thought of his girlfriend at home in their apartment. “You know this already, but I have never imagined living on a farm, much less running it. But this life… this was meant for us. And farm life is hard work, but we love it very much.”

“Lysander loves this?”

“Every second.” she nodded. “I am sure that a lot of it has to do with his parents and his childhood, but Lys is a sensitive soul, so he loves caring for animals and does appreciate seeing the results of his hard work. Plus, even you must admit that this place is beautiful.”

“It does have a certain charm…” he sighed, making Crystal’s smile more prominent.

“Finally! He caves.”

“Not fully…” Castiel put up his hands defensively. “But this visit was long overdue.”

“That is an understatement.”

Just as Crystal finished her sentence, Lysander appeared out of nowhere. He was wearing an ancient, flowy beige blouse and dark green overalls. He was wearing a giant sunhat over his white and black hair, and as he was walking towards them, he was peeling off black gloves from his hands.

“Hello there.” he nodded towards Castiel before leaning down to Crystal and kissing her. “It smells great in here.”

“Today’s dinner is carrot soup and fresh bread.”

“God bless you.” Lysander put his glowless hand over his stomach to signal his hunger. Then he walked over to the sink, washed his hands and arms, and even splashed water on his face. In the meantime, Crystal got up to pour him some soup in the baby blue-white soup bowl she had set the table with and to cut him a couple of pieces of bread.

It was still hurtful that Lysander and he now either greeted each other with a slide nod or with a handshake when, back in the day, they exchanged huge smiles and hugs, whenever they ran into each other.

“How is everything with the… crops and animals?” Castiel tried to make conversation, though it came out incredibly awkward. Lysander gave him a surprised look, probably because Castiel had never even faked interest in the farm before, but once Lysander composed himself, he answered honestly.

“Good. I think Precious will give birth soon.”

“P-precious?”

“Oh, right. Precious is one of our rabbits.”

“Oh!”

The conversation ended there because Castiel had no idea what else he could say. He was scared of accidentally causing an argument, and he didn’t know how to converse with Lysander anymore. Once Lysander sat down to eat, he and Crystal were more or less only talking about the farm business, and Castiel kept quiet, eating dinner and listening to them. Just from today, he understood that what Crystal said at the train station was not really to hurt him, but instead the simple truth: their lives didn’t stop just because he decided to come by, and they couldn’t really do “spontaneous” things, and visits, because running the farm was colossal work. As he continued to listen to them and eat the delicious food before him, he was amazed at just how normal this conversation between them seemed: they talked about animals that soon would need a checkup, ranch hands and their performances, and other things Castiel didn’t fully understand because he knew nothing about crops. This was their daily life, but Castiel had never even tried to imagine them like this because he was too stubborn to do so. Crystal and Lysander were in their element, discussing their farm and family business. Castiel wished he could have turned back time and been more supportive of them, especially Lysander. Leaving the city behind didn't seem like a mistake; he appeared at ease, and if it wasn't for Castiel's surprise visit and overall idiocy, Lysander might have appeared happier.

“Okay, well, we can discuss this later.” Crystal finished up the conversation once they had all finished eating and were just sitting at the dining table.

“I’ll do the dishes.” Lysander stood up, but Crystal gave him a stern look.

“No, you won’t. Not today… You two need to go outside and have a conversation. No hiding, no more excuses and distractions.”

Lysander looked bothered because he most certainly did not want to do what he was told, but nonetheless, he started walking towards the door.

“Go on…” Crystal nodded at Castiel, who also got up to follow Lysander outside.

It was already half-six, and the sun was setting with beautiful colors—pink, yellow, and purple. Castiel wished Ella would be on his side to show her how beautiful it all looked.

“So…” Lysander sat on the porch, and Castiel sat beside him. They didn’t look at each other for multiple minutes, both deep in their thoughts, not sure how to start the conversation. Castiel knew that it was the least he could do to start the conversation, apologize, and explain his behavior not just today but also for the past two years.

“The longer I spend here at the farm, the more I can see just how perfect it is for you and Crystal.” he admitted. This sentence surprised Lysander so much that he turned towards him with an open mouth and big eyes. Castiel understood this reaction—the way he had talked about the farm ever since Lysander decided to leave the city behind was vulgar, to say the least. “Did Crystal slip you some drugs when I was working?” Lysander asked, more serious than joking.

“No, I think I just… Now that I’m confronted by all of this, I get it more or less. Why you did it, why you enjoy it, and… that it’s much more you than I imagined. I thought you were lying to yourself all this time when it came to this place, and although I did have your best interest at heart, I just… I fucked up. I was too angry with you and this place to even consider how all of this might be good for you.”

Lysander stayed quiet for a long time. Castiel didn’t expect him to forgive him, but he did hope for a response – even if it was negative. Before talking about all the craziness of his future with Ella, he just wanted to address "the elephant in the room," and he knew that he owed an apology to Crystal and Lysander. He also desperately craved a cigarette, but he forgot the pack up "in his room."

"You really grew," Lysander commented with a hint of a smile. "When we were teenagers, you were so stubborn you would have never admitted to being such an idiot. You got better in college, but now…"

Lysander didn't finish the sentence; he just turned away from him and watched the view thoughtfully. Castiel knew Lysander was right, and that age and his life experiences made him more "mature." He was still quick to anger and too stubborn for his own good, but at least he learned to recognize his mistakes (though, this time, it was way too late) and how to apologize for them. He also learned how to let go, which he struggled immensely with. Castiel was often caught up in "alternate universes" he was creating in his mind, where things ended up working out differently, like his parents giving him more attention when he was a kid, his ex-girlfriend Deborah not choosing her music career over him, or Zackary didn't betray him, throwing away their friendship. Accepting things and moving on was hard for him, but every time he was disappointed in the past twenty-seven years of his life, he was forced to move on from these bad memories – otherwise, he would have ended up as a genuinely bitter and miserable man. For three years, Castiel couldn't accept Lysander's choice to become a farmer instead of a musician or artist. For three years, he destroyed their friendship because he was so sure he was right and too stubborn and hurt to listen to what Lysander was telling him.

"I still think that you're one of a kind. And it's a crime not to share your talent with the world, but I know that this is your choice and that it's not about me and the plans we made when we were young.

Not everything is about me, he reminded himself Castiel.

"Thank you." Lysander turned to him again, and his hidden smile was no longer hidden. Although Lysander had always been a hard person to read, Castiel knew that at that moment, he was proud of him. "This means a lot."

They fell quiet, watching the scenery in front of them. Castiel felt like an invisible weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He and Lysander were not back to being friends. Castiel knew he had to earn back that friendship and that it would take time, but at least all the bad blood between them had disappeared. It was a clean slate, a fresh start.

"I have to ask…" Lysander was the one who broke the silence. "What is happening with you and Ella? Why would you run out on her like this? I know that the idea of becoming a father is terrifying to you, but…"

Castiel immediately felt his heart tighten. He had never run off before – he and Ella would always talk (and often scream) things out whenever they had problems. This was so unlike him, and it must have hurt Ella.

“I don’t know if Ella can ever forgive me for this,” Castiel admitted. “Hell, when I go home, she can punch me in the face, and I’ll gladly let her. I deserve this. I never thought I had it in me to act like such a scum and to hurt the woman I love, fully conscious of my actions.”

“Then why did you?”

“Because… I’m going to lose her. Whatever I decide on, I know that I’m going to lose her, and it made my entire body tense up and run because I can’t and simply… couldn’t even dare think about a future without her.”

“Lose her? Why would you lose her?”

Castiel closed his eyes, trying to calm his breathing and not concentrate on his racing heart and tensed-up muscles. Even just talking about it felt like he was dying.

“Because I don’t know how to be a father, especially not a good father. If we have children, I will blow up our lives! She’ll see me fail, and not only will she hate me for my failures, but so will my kids… And if we decide against having children… let’s just say that even though we talked about it many times in the past, during that Facetime call with Ella when she told me she was pregnant, I could tell that she wanted this pregnancy and that she wants to be a mom. I can’t ask her to get an abortion; that’s just not right…”

“Castiel, you’re not going to be a bad father…” Lysander wanted to continue, but Castiel caught him off.

“You don’t know that! Out of everyone, you know the best that I don’t know how a family should function and what one’s relationship with its parents is supposed to be like! How can I become a parent when I don’t even know what parents are supposed to be like? And I’m gone A LOT, which will be even more so in the future! I’m lucky with Ella, but even leaving her behind is killing me, even though she keeps reassuring me about it! I can’t do the same thing to a child, but I don’t want to give up my dreams!”

His head started hurting because he “couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.”

“You won’t have to give up your dreams! Come on, Castiel, Ella is your biggest supporter! I’m sure that you’d be able to work something out!”

“That doesn’t change the fact that I’d have no idea what the fuck I would be supposed to be doing!”

“Most new parents also have no clue… and… Castiel… Look, you are thinking about what’s best for your child already! Your child is not even born, but you’re already looking out for them! That’s what parenthood should be about! You do your best and want the best for your child! That’s all one can do! Someone who already cares for their kid, when they’re not even a baby yet, won’t be a bad father… And you’re forgetting about Ella! You guys are a team; you won’t be alone! And although she didn’t have the most “usual” childhood either, she had people looking after her, so if you have questions or worries, you can always go to her!”

With every sentence that left Lysander’s mouth, he felt calmer. He was so blinded by his fear until this moment that he couldn’t think clearly, but now…

“There are classes you guys can take, books you can read, and forums you can visit. That and teamwork will guide you! Plus, you can ask your friends who are already parents for advice.”

“True, but we don’t know many parents. Only Leigh and Rosalya…” he muttered to himself.

“Actually…” Lysander coughed into his hand awkwardly before giving Castiel a shy smile. “You also have Crystal and I.”

It took Castiel an embarrassingly long minute before he understood what Lysander meant by that.

“Wait…! Is Crystal pregnant?”

“Yes. We wanted to keep it to ourselves for a while, but because of these current circumstances…” Lysander teased.

“Oh my God! Congratulations!” Castiel jumped up and pulled Lysander up with himself. He gave him a big, very tight, and real hug. It has been a while since they shared a hug, let alone such a joyous and real one.

“Thank you…” Lysander whispered as he eased into the hug.

“Man! This is amazing! You guys are going to be parents!”

“I see Lysander broke the news…” Crystal showed up with two beer cans in her hands. “These are for you boys!”

Castiel rushed over to her, took the beers out of her hand, and put them down before giving her a big hug, too. “Congratulations!”

“Thank you, thank you… Although, if you would like to meet your niece or nephew one day, I suggest you ease up on the hug a little.”

Castiel laughed as he let her go. “Sorry, I’m just so happy for you guys! This is amazing! We have to toast!”

Crystal smiled and watched as Castiel opened the beer cans and handed one to Lysander.

“Would you like water or anything else?”

“No, no, I am fine. I don’t need anything.”

“Well, if that’s the case, congratulations to you both! You are going to be… wonderful parents! I can’t wait to meet my nephew or niece! And if they can hear me in there…” he pointed to Crystal’s stomach. “I’ll have you know that I’ll be your favorite uncle! I’m stopping with the stupidity and arguments as of today.”

“I’ll gladly drink to all of this!” Lysander raised the can, and they clanked them together before taking a ceremonial first sip.

“You two are… good now?” Crystal asked, measuring them up carefully.

Castiel wanted to say, “I hope so” or “We’re okay, but will get there,” but didn’t want to put words in Lysander’s mouth again.

“I think so,” Lysander answered with a slight smile. “It will be work, but having my best friend back is good. I missed him a lot…”

Castiel’s eyes immediately became wet upon hearing that, and he quickly blinked away the tears out of embarrassment. Even though he got over Zackary and the loss of that friendship, he couldn’t get over Lysander in a million years. Their friendship was exceptional and a once-in-a-million situation, even though they hit a three-year rough patch.

“Are you okay, Cas?” Crystal walked over to him and pulled him into a hug.

Out of everyone they knew, Crystal was one of the few who truly understood how much their friendship meant to them both.

“Yeah. It’s the dust…”

“What a liar!” Crystal chuckled.

“I’m sorry, it got very emotional!” he protested against “showing weakness,” even though he was amongst people he didn’t really mind showing his sensitive side in front of. “I could just hug the shit out of you for saying such things… But I don’t want to make your pregnant wife feel like a third wheel!”

“Oh, I was used to that with the both of you. Feel free to show off your “bromance” because I would not be a third wheel, anyway! Our child is always with me!” she explained.

“That’s true. At best, she’d be fourth wheeling.” Lysander nodded, still smiling.

“But before you two run off into the sunset… What about my sister?”

"We talked about that too… that's why Lysander told me you're also pregnant. I feel better and see things more clearly, but I have to go home first thing in the morning and talk seriously with her."

"Look, you know me, I am big on privacy, but I need to know if you will break her heart. I have always believed in the two of you, and I know that you love each other, but if having a child is a no-go for you and Ella wants to keep the baby…"

"Whatever Ella wants to do, we'll do, and I'll be at her side the entire time. But if we keep the baby, we'll have to sort out many things because of how hectic our lives are. And I'll probably panic a lot, but I won't run away anymore…"

“I am glad to hear that.” Crystal nodded approvingly. “I’ll text my sister that you’re not planning to make a run for Mexico under a new identity.”

“I would never!” Castiel laughed.

“Oh, she asked me to stop you if you’d bring up the idea. Pregnant or not, I would have locked you up in the shed!”

“Kinky…”

The three laughed, spending the night outside, talking freely and happily about life: Lysander and Crystal were brimming with excitement about their impending parenthood. Despite the challenges of managing a farm, they were hopeful. Castiel, too, was filled with hope, his band’s successes and bright future fueling his optimism. All of them talked without any restraints or resentment for the first time in three years – and Castiel could see his future clearly in that moment. The image of his kids running around the farm, playing with Lysander’s and Crystal’s kids on one of their visits, where Ella was of course also at his side, didn’t seem so scary anymore. In the future, Castiel would read enough parenting books and watch enough documentaries about raising children to be confident about his abilities as a father. He hoped this would be the case at least.

#amour sucre #corazon de melon #mcl #mcl new gen #my candy love #castiel #castiel veilmont #lysander #lysander ainsworth #candy #my candy love high school life #my candy love university life #my candy love love life #fanfic #fanfiction

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mattastr0phic · 8 months

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Heya! Been stalking your profile for a few weeks now and I'm pretty sure I've scrolled through the entirety of the Clef, Myriad, and Myricle tags respectively like 50 times now lol. Absolutely loving reading the absolution storyline, do you have plans to make another ao3-based trinket of lore? (I think your writing is lovely /vpos) or are you mostly sticking to art/tumblr as a medium? Also, as an author I am really curious as to how the entirety of the gluttony stage in Absolution Canon worked? How does one go from Cannibalism -> Marriage fraud?

Thanks so much! I'm really glad you like the Absolution timeline and it means a lot to me that you've gone through so much of it! I do want to eventually be able to write more for it as there's already a lot laid out as an outline, but it's difficult for me to find motivation to do so. I don't have a lot of confidence in it, but that's also why I appreciate others' passion for my writing despite that! I may practice with comics before coming back to regular writing since it's something I have a better hold on.

As for Level Gluttony, it's a period in which Ukulele and Myriad discover cannibalism as an act of love for each other. Unable to actually foster a relationship they'd see as romantic (as Ukulele can't even fathom himself deserving love, and the Foundation would use it to manipulate them), it's as close as they consciously want to be, locked in an obsessive loop of indulgent death and consumption. Despite that, their bond only grows, and they plan to escape the Foundation. They'd reached a point which they feel together they're powerful enough to rip away from it. But they're found out, and forcibly retired from fieldwork.

They're separated as researchers, with Ukulele taking more time to be assimilated into a less violent job, forced to leave host to Clef due to Foundation pressures. They only meet again as senior researchers, long after their field agent days, and have to catch up in their new roles. It's strange at first to Myriad, as Clef isn't Ukulele and doesn't remember everything, but soon finds the same roots within them - they are both eternal, and maybe, together, the rest of time won't be so bad.

#inbox #scp inbox #absolution #myricle #clyr #chainshotgun #scp #scp foundation #dr alto clef #dr clef #dr myriad #scp 963

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windsweptinred · 8 months

Text

Shipper tag game

Thank you for the tag @marvagon, you glorious human 💖💖💖.

What ship were you completely obsessed with as a teenager, but now you don't care about anymore?

None. I may not be as passionate about them as I once was. But I still hold all my past ships near and dear to my heart. I'll even occasionally nip into their tags on A03 and have a dip into newer fics.

What ship would you consider your first one?

Daiken/Kensuke from Digimon 02. I remember watching it on Saturday morning and wondering if anyone else was seeing what I was seeing. That led me to discover Fanfiction.net. And the rest is history...

Your first fanfic was about which couple?

My very first full length fic was Corinthiel, posted here on Tumblr. My first fic posted on AO3 was Dreamling, and I wrote both last year. I am a very, very, very late comer to fanfic 😅. I'm honestly much more at home drawing fanart then writing. But will occasionally give into temptation, when an idea obbsessively hounds me to the point of insanity.

Do you remember the first couple you saw fan art of?

I genuinely can't. 😅 I remember it was probably on deviantart.

Have you ever gotten into ship discourse?

I try desperately to stay out of ship discourse. To me people's ships are their joy... And I've got no interest in being a theif of joy. If there's something I want to see more of in the fandom, like a rare pair I'm fond of, I just try and create content and hope someone else joins in (@bobbole loves you 💚🤍😅) . If it's not for me, I just keep scrolling on by.

Did you use to have any NOTP or have one currently?

Again, no. I've always been happy to pick and mix my ships. I have my favorites ofcourse. But I've never outright refused to dip my toe into any ship. Maybe if it ventured into an area I personally deemed problematic. But mostly, I'm happy to try anything once.

Who were the last couple in the last fanfic you read?

I'm currently reading Remy Lebeau x Logan fanfic from Xmen. 😅 What sent me in that direction, I do not know. But I've found some amazing new fics in and amongst revisiting some old favourites.

Currently, do you have any OTPs?

I can proudly say until recently I've never had an OTP. Being a multishipper makes that kind of hard. But I don't know, I may be in too deep with Corinthiel. I'm not sure I could picture Danny and the Second Corinthian with anyone else but each other now. (Curse you @ibrithir-was-here. See what you have wraught! 😆). Them and Charmes (Charon x Hermes) from Hades. Because why would you split up the professional associates like that?! (Again very much your fault @mashumaru 😆) , Damn, I guess I've got OTPs now. If there's an established, happy couple in canon, most of the time I'll respect that and leave them be. So I guess that kind of counts too.

Is there any couple that, to this day, that you are extremely mad about not getting into?

Again no. If the juggernaut ship of a fandom doesn't really tickle my fancy, I'll sometimes stare forlornly at it. And sigh like a sad bohemian poet. But that's all content envy and I know it. 😆

Is there any ship you used to dislike but now you think they're kind of interesting?

🤔 I didn't dislike it, but I never really ventured near Corintheus until I started shipping Corinthiel. That made me backtrack and consider Morpheus and the original Corinthian's relationship from an entirely different perspective.

Do you have any ship that, in the past, would have been considered normal but now you would be cancelled over?

No I don't think so. As far as know they're all still alive, well and for the most part, living in peace and harmony in their respective fandoms.

What is your favorite crack ship?

Bookend, Destiny and his Book. The old book and chain. Living their best, grumpy old married couple, life together. @jazzy-a 🤜🤛🤣.

What is the couple you read the most fanfics about?

Most recently was Dreamling. I'm a bit of fandom butterfly at the moment, fluttering between multiple fandoms, waiting for the next all consuming passion to strike me down. I read, and reread ANYTHING Corinthiel 😅. But of all time?..... I couldn't say. I revisit so many of my ships so often.

What do most of your ships have in common?

Two bastards in love will always be my favourite. I'd love to boldly claim it's all about two morally dubious rogues, being despicable in the kinkiest ways together. 😅 But I know it's more about two people, often misunderstood and maligned... Finding a deep sense of belonging with each other. But I'm an eclectic sort and I've got a lot ships that don't fit that category I still love dearly.

What do you absolutely hate in a ship?

Absolutely nothing outright. I'll sometimes go off a ship a little once it reaches that point where fanon locks in too tight around it. But I think that's a very me problem, as I crave variation/new experiences/ideas. I'll still love the ship, I'll just know that's just my time to move onto something new and come back and visit every so often.

I'm tagging @martybaker @thelostkelpie @missingrache @thirrith @zigzag-wanderer @lucienne-thee-librarian and @tickldpnk8 and anyone mentioned above. If you want to have a go. 😁

#Ask game #My merry fleet of ships

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x-0ophelia0-x · 1 year

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A work of Art which did not begin in emotion is not art. - Paul Cézanne

pairings: Artist!Reader x Ezra Bridger

warnings: none! just fluff and a sad ending. And not proofread yet.

word count: 2,4K

summary: You’re an artist. Drawing is your passion, something you do whenever you need to relax or do when you’re motivated. You see things in a different way, a more peaceful one. Observing things is your speciality which comes in handy when you start your anatomy studies on a certain someone, whose training sessions with Kanan seem to be the perfect opportunity for you to study.

authors note: this might be my favorite one until now- this prompt was stuck in my head like for forever now. Being an artist is part of a reason why this kind of escalated in it‘s length-

It’s also S4 Ezra, ignore the gif, was the only one I found with Kanan 😭

This wasn’t originally based on Cézannes quote, I just had a rough idea of a peaceful scenario on Lothal and his quote seemed to fit the best on how this fanfic went on.

I might make a series out of this, words can’t describe how much I enjoyed writing this one 😭

anywayyy, the Ahsoka final will air in just two hours and guess what? I‘ll miss it because it’ll be 3 am here and I‘m supposed to get up in 4h for school :D

enjoyyy <3

What is Art?

It was a question you could never really answer yourself.

It had grown into a part of you, defining the person you had become.

Art wasn’t just a drawing on a paper or on whatever material you could imagine. It was a feeling, an emotion. The desire to create something new. The desire to immortalize your emotions into the paper you were working on.

The Arts priority is to make you feel something, to understand the Artists hidden message.

Some use it to express their feelings, others indirectly use it as a love letter to their beloved ones.

Art ist a matter of perspective, some see boring studies, others see emotions at it‘s purest form and then others again see the hidden message behind it.

And yours? Let’s say that yours was a mix of everything.

- Lothals sun was low, it’s dimmed light bathing the landscape in a beautiful haze of gold. The grass fields reflecting the golden light perfectly as they were moving with the wind. Lothals mountains being highlighted by it while several loth cats where playing around.

The whole scenery sent a feeling of comfort and warmth to you, the peaceful moment, a luxury for you and your friends since fighting against the empire was your dangerous lifestyle.

You sat by a rock, leaning against it while a loth cat was cuddling up right next to you. Going into a peaceful slumber, trusting you with it‘s life right now. As you sat there, holding your sketchbook with the one hand and your pencil with the other. You couldn’t help but to get lost in this moment.

Everything seemed so perfect right now and the beautiful scenery in front of you really resembled a painting itself. And beside the loth cat, you weren’t alone.

Hours like this were used by Kanan and Ezra to train, a perfect opportunity for them since they wouldn’t get distracted here as much as somewhere else.

And this was your perfect opportunity to make some anatomy studies.

Drawing was your passion, a hobby you shared with Sabine.

And moments like this just boosted your motivation. Sitting on a open field while the sun had it‘s golden hour, having your pen and sketchbook right beside you, what else could you possibly want more?

Ezra also became a key figure to your studies. His training sessions with Kanan offered you dynamic poses, interesting ones that were perfect for your exercise.

You often found yourself sketching him, being it while he trained or while he fell asleep on your shoulder due to his exhaustion whenever he finished his double trainings with Kanan and Rex. He knew about your hobby, everyone did. What he didn’t know though was that you were sketching him, that he was a constant figure in your sketchbook. Studies of him while he trained, slept against your shoulder and his face, especially his eyes.

You loved him and he loved you. You both confessed to each other a while ago, he didn’t really question you whenever you watched them train or always having you sketchbook near you since he knew that drawing was your passion after all. Ezra even enjoyed having you around, not only because you two were a couple, but because he knew that with you, he’d never be truly alone again just as he was before the ghost crew found him.

The crew is his newfound family, there’s no doubt in that, but they wouldn’t stay together, close like they were right now forever. The day where everyone would go their own ways would eventually come, leading to them being completely united again just when they’d have a mission together or plan a trip or something. He’d have his friends but he’d again have to live somewhere alone, which was a fear of him, one he hid damn well from the others.

But now he had you, someone he’d never imagined meeting in his life. Someone who would love to spent their life together with him. Someone who felt the same connection towards him like he felt for you.

His training with Kanan continued, parrying each strike from Kanan while you continued to sketch him. Each pose having a different dynamic.

Whenever you felt that you had too many poses on one page of position, you chose single parts of him, his face, his hands holding the lightsaber or just his expressions, drawing them separately next to the poses. Trying to bring in some contrast so that looking at those sketches later wouldn’t be too boring.

The loth cat eventually woke up, nuzzling it’s head against you while it watched the Jedi and the Jedi in training, train.

Then it’s head turned to you, looking into your eyes and then into your sketchbook. It seemed to recognize Ezra‘s silhouette, looking back and forth, as if he was comparing the original Ezra with his sketched version.

You couldn’t help but laugh at the creatures confusion, it was adorable.

„Yes it’s him“

You said, your voice just loud enough for it to hear, not wanting to risk Ezra hearing you. He didn’t know that he was the star of your sketchbook and you didn’t know how he’d react if he realized that you had a whole sketchbook of him.

The loth cat then again looked up to you, gesturing to your sketchbook and itself.

„Do you want me to draw you too?“

You asked it, smiling down, adoring it‘s character. It was the first loth cat that didn’t attack you at first sight but instead chose to actually spend time wit/ you.

And it seemed happy about your question, taking a position while looking straight at you.

Not wanting to hurt its feelings you changed your subject, sketching the cat instead of Ezra right now.

It was still on the same page as Ezra though and even if it didn’t really fit with your topic for this sketchbook, it somehow fitted to him, his connection with those kind of creatures being his passion.

When you had the bases finished, having a full body, a close up from its head and a version of it sleeping like earlier, you continued with its details. Something you loved. Hours could pass by and you’d never grow bored of adding more of them.

The difference this time was that you were fast and didn’t need too long for the loth cat‘s features and details. Being finished quicker then it thought, showing it the results.

You weren’t a loth cat expert but it’s stunned expression, looking at your sketches of it with awe, was kind of an confirmation that it liked your way of portraying it.

You chuckled at its reaction, it was fricking adorable. It then turned its head against to your direction, as if it was asking you if it was really him.

„Yes that’s you“

You then spoke softy, failing to notice that Ezra’s training had ended.

Seeing you interact with the cat warmed his heart, and Kanan noticed it.

„Ah.. young love“

He teased him, receiving a smirk from Ezra.

„Don’t get me started on you and Hera.. Master“

He replied, knowing that he hit a spot with this one.

„This point goes to you“

Kanan then says, faking a defeated tone with his voice.

„Enjoy the sunset“

Was all he said before leaving the field and walking over to their ship where the rest of the crew was.

Ezra also made his way to you, but from behind, aiming to scare you a little.

While you still let the loth cat to look at your sketches, he sneaked up from behind you, throwing his arms around your waist and whispering a short ‚boo‘ against your ear.

„Oh my force!“

You shrieked, jumping at his sudden approach, accidentally losing hold of your sketchbook. Then realizing that it was the sketchbook.

„That’s what she said“

Was everything he said, not able to hold in his laughter while you jokingly pushed your elbow against his side.

„Very funny. Bridger.“

He sat down, right next to you, bringing his arm behind you and wrapping it around your waist, holding you into a half embrace.

„I feel honored and scared at the same time“

„As you should“

You then also started to laugh, placing a soft kiss on his cheek.

„How was your training today?“

„Like always.. I‘m just happy that it’s over for today, Kanan and Rex went hardcore.. I didn’t know that I had this many muscles until today“

You chuckled.

„Why? Did they remind you how useful they are while they let you do the galaxy’s most historical workout?“

„No. It’s because I feel EVERY single one of them right now“

He whined, letting his head fall and rest against your shoulder.

„What about you?“

He then asked, yawning as he looked at the golden hues spraying wildly across his home planets landscape.

„What about me?“

„You were drawing again, I saw you when Kanan gave me some seconds to relax“

Ezra said, shifting his gaze from the sun to your sketchbook.

„You always seem to have this with you when I‘m around.. can I see it?“

He asked with a genuine tone, sounding almost innocent.

„You want to.. see my sketches?“

You asked, hoping that you understood him wrong but him nodding proofed you otherwise.

„I‘d love to“

The cat noticed your unease with showing him your sketches of him. But it also sensed your bond, it somehow made it happy that you two were happy together. With the power it held right now, it decided to play the matchmaker and carry your sketchbook over to Ezra.

„I don’t know where you found the little dude but I already love him“

Ezra said, laughing at the cats action which left you more nervous then before. He wasn’t an idiot tho,knowing Sabine meant that everyone on the ghost learned the importance of someones privacy regarding a sketchbook. It was yours after all, who was he to do whatever he wanted with it, right?

„Would it be okay for you if I see it?“

He asked you, holding the sketchbook in his hands after the cat gave it to him. And you somehow where curious of how he’d react, if he’d like them or hate them.

So you accepted.

„Sure.. just.. you’ll see it yourself“

You said, looking down at his hands that held it.

Ezra then opened it, the first page already on full display, showing sketches of him training and his eyes. He didn’t think too much into it, thinking that it was just a coincidence but when the page after and the one right after continued to have the sketches of someone looking like him, he couldn’t help but wonder.

„y/n.. is this person me?“

He asked, slowly rising his head from your shoulder to look at you, and you nodded.

„Yeah..“

Was all you could say right now.

„Please don‘t feel creeped out..“

This catchend him off guard.

„Why should it creep me out?“

Ezra asked her, returning his gaze to your sketches. Looking at them in awe.

„These sketches are perfect like- they are amazing.. breathtaking even“

He continued to turn the pages, looking at each portrait of him, mesmerized by how perfect you catched in his details.

And you where completely dumbfounded. Didn’t expect this reaction.

„But.. why me?“

Ezra then asked, getting you out of your confused state.

„Uhm…“

You started, not knowing how to explain it to him at all.

„well.. I needed to study the anatomy on someone so.. I decided to exercise it on the person I care the most..“

You said, looking down at your sketchbook.

Ezra then smirked.

„Is that so..?“

A blush made its way up to your face, reddening with each word he said.

„You’re adorable“

Was all he said before he placed a kiss on your temple.

„You even drew the cat“

„I did“

He then closed the sketchbook after he was finished, laying it down next to you.

„So.. I saw that you studied different parts of me too… which one was your favorite?“

His head was once again on your shoulder, holding you close with his other arm while you also held him close with yours around his waist.

„Your eyes“

You said almost immediately.

„They remind me of the endlessness of our galaxy and the hyperspace‘s blue. I could look at them forever and never get bored by it. They’re.. You’re mesmerizing“

Your tone was genuine, and this time it was Ezra who was blushing.

„Thank you..“

He said, feeling kind of proud that he had this comforting effect on you.

„You’re mesmerizing too tho..“

You chuckled at his nervousness. His cocky attitude from earlier being completely replaced by it right now.

He then had an idea, knowing that his drawing skills were terrible.

„Would you want to teach me to draw like that too?“

He asked you, feeling excited about this. And you too felt the same, sharing your hobby with someone was good enough, but sharing it with your partner was just out of this world.

„Of corse! I’d be more then happy!!“

You said, your excitement evident in your voice.

It was a promise you both looked forward to.

Then, you two, okay technically three since the cat refused to go aways, laying down between you two, sat there with a perfect view, looking at the sunset in front of you, staying together until it went darker and darker, enjoying each others company.

You both were still unaware of what was about to come.

Which daring challenges would not only cost you one dear person, but also another one‘s well being.

Unbeknownst to you this was one of your last peaceful moments together.

The galaxy had other plans for your futures and soon enough your sketches of him where the only things you had left to keep his memory fresh in your mind.

To remember him whenever you felt lost, feel close to him again even if you felt the loneliest you ever felt before.

They kept you strong, for years to come.

And you knew that whenever you’d find him again, you’d need to start a new one.

#ezra bridger x reader #ezra bridger #star wars rebels #star wars

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nicosraf · 2 months

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Hi! I unearthed this long forgotten Tumblr account to be able to gush to you about your writing. There's no need to respond but shouting this into the void of my twitter followers isn't scratching the itch.

When I read Angels Before Man (and subsequently A&M) I was so taken aback. I instantly felt like I was reading the work of a once in a lifetime author. Your writing is so incredible i'm having a hard time putting my emotions and thoughts into words. My messages to my friend (who I was buddy reading with) consisted of a lot of "I can't believe this" and "he's toooo good he's way too good who writes like this". Along with a few "I'm unwell, I'm so unwell"s in there. It feels like lame praise in the face of the masterpieces you have written. There were multiple points (every single chapter) where I was just so in awe and shock that someone could write such beautiful descriptive emotionally provocative scenes, inner monologue etc.

I really feel like it'll be years, decades, forever before i find another author who's work is so touching and laced with love and passion and true genius. You wove such a rich, beautiful tapestry with your words that I was instantly inspired to create.

While reading i had to put the book down for hours at the beginning of part 2 (a&m) because I got the most intense urge to draw the vision you created of lucifer being presented in his throne room for the first time. The details, mannerisms (my heart aching to be reunited w. my darling luci). There were many a scene I tagged to draw but this is the first time I've ever put down a book I didn't want to stop reading just to be able to sketch something. It's been years since I've encountered any kind of media that made me feel so inspired to create. Ideas were just bursting in my mind, coming to life so strongly through the poetry of your novels i can't think of anything but mortalizing them in an art piece.

Your writing style, your character building, your world building, it's all just so incredible and profound and I will be bothering all of my irls with how much I am going to be gushing about these books.

I could wax poetic about all of it for paragraphs and paragraphs but will stop myself to THANK YOU for putting your creation out into the world for us to be able to enjoy. It has touched my soul in such a powerful way and I so look forward to inhaling everything you choose to create and share in the future.

With the warmest, kindest, most heartfelt regards, Audrey :)

Ahh thank you so so much! I'm so happy you liked ABM and A&M! That genuinely means the world to me.. I wish I could bottle some of how grateful and happy this makes me to give it to you. Please tell your irls that I'm very sorry in advance for whatever these books are. But, really, thank you. I'm glad you enjoy my writing and the characters and, most importantly, that you found it touching. That's all i could ask for.

Also I'm so happy you liked that scene of Lucifer at his throne! It's one of my favorite scenes in the series :')

Thank you again! This means the world to me. Thank you for liking the angels!

#<333 #mine #ask

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ria-writes-stories · 10 months

Text

Description: what if Nori didn't die but Khan did, and raised Uzi all by herself instead of the other way around?

Genre: Action, character focus

Characters: Uzi and Nori

Inspired by @keeana 's art! Keena permitted me too write this fanfiction, her art is at the very bottom of this story. However, if you enjoyed this story make sure to go to her account and give that masterpiece the proper love it deserves because without it this story wouldn't have been made! Once again lots of thanks to keena! Without further a do, enjoy!

Side note: This is the official opening of my writing account!

------

(No one's pov)

The metal door closed as Nori held her baby close to her chest, looking struck with horror at the door.

'KHAN!' she screamed his name earlier, reaching a hand out while the other held her baby closely to herself as her husband looked at her with a defeated look. Oil was pouring in a small frail trial out of his mouth while the stab he had acquired within his chest, was being held down by the disassembly drone's claws the man clenched his fist tightly, and with a sheepish smile to his wife he punched the remote, closing the first door and breaking the remote as well making it impossible to be used again, so that the disassembly drones can not enter the colony.

Nori stayed there, locked in shock and horror at the thought that the better side of her was now gone forever as she was left with just the sweet little miracle that she had created with him.

Drones rushed to her to check up on her but Nori didn't even hear a mutter of their words as her gaze was locked on the door where her husband disappeared behind her.

"Forgive me Uzi. You won't get to see your father." Nori said with a numb face as a tear rolled down her cheeks as her eyes looked emptily at the ground.

Now...what about the fate of our beloved rebellious teenage girl? Well. Nori was a very loving mother, unlike her light-heartedly and dumb, when it came to social interactions, husband was much more convincing. She was already adored by over half the colony before the events of the attack, she was simply that easy popular person that people found enjoyable to hang around, and once Khan was out of the picture with his great sacrifice, it was Nori who took initiative to find people with the same passion and intelligence as Khan to built more doors. Of course, she didn't find anyone, no one could ever be like him, but, she did find enough drones each with a little knowledge of one of the engineering sides required to build the protective doors, and through the years door two and door three appeared.

What does anything have to do with Uzi? She showed remarkable intelligence and incline towards this methodical side that her father was so passionate about in his life. She assisted in the construction of door two by making the calculus and size measuring and then at the third door, she was the second in command in its building.

Uzi was heavily attracted to the more 'angsty' things and she was the black sheep of the herd because while her mother managed to convince her to help with the doors Uzi wanted to build weapons. And how did Nori respond with?

'Of course you can build weapons Uzi! You can do anything you put your mind to! Plus, why stop with just weapons? Why not become a jackal of all? Traps, weapons, attacks, defenses! That and so many more things you will achieve because you are a talented and wonderful young girl who has inherited the intelligence of her father. Oh if only Khan could see you right now, I am sure he would be so proud of your engineering skills!' it's safe to say that Uzi had a very loving mother who encouraged her each step of the way. Did that mean Uzi was popular?

Uzi was the 'miracle' kid due to her contribution to the colony from a young age, despite having an already assured spot for the future Uzi wasn't interested in any of that. She always wanted to do something...bizarre in the eyes of all the other drones except for her mother. Killing the disassembly drones.

This made her weird and strange for everyone else but this time around Uzi knew how to snap back, better than just saying 'Bite me' she would effortlessly put the drones that challenged her in their place via words. As I said, Nori was the one to raise her after all, and she made sure her daughter knew not to allow anyone to walk all over her.

Uzi was still the rebellious angsty teen, the only difference is that she was afraid of the masses because they treated her like a freak and an outcast. She didn't feel the need to hide, instead, she walked confidently each step of the way.

Uzi didn't care what other drones thought about her, she still did what she wanted to do even if it 'broke the rules' of the colony. She was a truly rebellious person, but what made Uzi so different was the wits thought by her mother. The tricks, the strategies, the manipulation. Everything came naturally to Uzi, after all, she was Nori's daughter, and with the intelligence she inherited from Khan followed by her mother's guidance she was far more than what anyone from the colony acknowledged her for. She was feared because everyone knew that not only weren't they a match for her but also because they knew that if they stepped out of the line that she had allowed them to ridicule her in, she would make their life a nightmare without lifting a finger. It was simple really. Some drones may not be as emotionally developed as humans, but that primal fear of survival is still deep in their core and Uzi knew just how to push the buttons to cause them to be on the edge of their tippy toes and out of her face.

A school project about watermelons started it all you could say. How boring was that? Under stimulating and ridiculous, far too behind Uzi's level of capacity, so she decided that if she was going to kill some time she might as well kill it on something she enjoys.

However one tiny miscalculation and Uzi's magnetically calibrated rail gun blew up in her face, sending her to the infirmary. It wasn't the first time Uzi's experiments ended up wrong; she would do them under her other and always made sure to duck and hide her daughter when the project showed to be unstable and close to bursting into chaos.

Nothing from the colony could give Uzi what she needed to complete her masterpiece, so she did the most sane thing possible.

"You want to go where?!?" Nori asked caught a little off guard. "Just outside of door one-" "No! No, no, no, absolutely not, that is where your father passed! What if the disassembly drones are right outside the door?" "Then I'll blast them with my sick-as-hell rail gun!" Uzi said confidently as she clenched her fist, with a wide smirk.

Nori sighed softly and shook her head with a sheepish smile on her face as she went to Uzi, cupping her cheeks and kissing her forehead affectionately. "Alright my precious little devil. Just make sure to not have any of your limbs missing when you come back." "Mooom! I'm not four anymore!" Uzi protested her mother's behavior, but it was exactly this love and care that had made Uzi into the young woman she is today.

Nori simply laughed softly. "I know that dear. Make sure those disassembly drones will go scavenging for scraps far away from our colony." Nori said letting go of Uzi who simply nodded and rushed out the door, only to stop her in her tracks and run back to her mother for a quick hug.

"Thanks, Mom." "Anytime my sweet angel." Nori said with a content smile as she rested one hand on Uzi's back and the other on her head, before letting her go so she could go chase her dreams.

"They grow up so fast... If only you could see how much she took after you Khan." Nori said with a soft sigh before going back to her daily duties.

So far not much has changed did it? Uzi is still considered a freak. She still has an angsty rebellious teen reputation. She is still confident and does not bend to society's norms, and she is still extremely intelligent, being able to build an incredibly dangerous weapon.

Sure there is the part where she has become as sly as her mother when it calls for it, but other than that not much has changed...right?

Nori would tell Uzi bedtime stories, implementing the history of their world in her daughter's mind from a young fragile age without her knowing. The history and knowledge of what there is to come. Nori had no doubt that her daughter would master the curse transmitted through her coding better than she did.

The events are pretty much as we know them. A disassembly drone challenges the wrong drone to a fight.

She wins. He loses. They get to know each other, the other two come into view, and she runs away. He realizes his mistake and tries to fix it.

"Mom! Aim and shoot!" "What if it gets you as well?!" Nori said holding the weapon in horror. "That's not important right now! Aim and shoot!!!" Uzi repeated as the disassembly drone looked at Nori with the 'X' on his face and a wide murderous smile.

Nori lost someone she loved once at her own hands. She wasn't going to let it happen again. "You know I'm an old-fashioned baby..." Nori said sheepishly as she was ready to use something she hadn't used in so long. She was wondering if she even had it. It's been so long... She blocked the signal, long ago, for Uzi's safety and sake, all the way when she was just a baby. The one to help her achieve that was Yeva, and they never again spoke of it, but the thing is that they never looked for a way to unlock it, cuz why would they?

The moment was cut short as another drone grabbed Nori and pulled her backward as they closed the door. A WDF worked. Mother and daughter locked eyes in horror and terror as Nori threw the rail gun forward fast enough to move before the door closed.

"OPEN THIS DOOR THIS INSTANT!!!" Nori lashed out in anger and hatred as panic flew through her system. "M-ma'am please-" The subordinate begged as Nori suddenly became calm. What is she thinking? It's her daughter that she is talking about. She got this handled. She was better than her, better than Khan. Uzi will get to live another day, for now, Nori had to worry about those who weren't as fortunate and as blessed.

"Ma'am?" "Take everyone to the safety room." Nori ordered seriously as the WDF member nodded and opened a walkie-talkie as he began to move alerting all units of the colony. Nori did her homework, and she was prepared for a possible disassembly drone breach.

Everything that we know of unfolded as it was meant to be, the only difference was that when Uzi left, she did so to fight the bigger fish and not by banishing herself. And what did Nori do? She allowed it. Given Doll's behavior it wasn't hard for Nori to figure out that Yeva was gone. Doll's and Uzi's clocks were ticking and the sooner they took on this world the better for their long-term survival.

The 'program' wasn't happy. It knew Nori wasn't dead, even though it was unable to reach her, so when it was met with a glimpse of her predecessor it struck much to its demise.

All of a sudden the two disassembly drones attacked Uzi, but the fight didn't last long... A bright flash of purple and a strange symbol and the two disassembly drones were stuck in the air squirming and shrieking in terror as their system got a short circuit and what was once yellow turned purple.

"Come here." Uzi called the two drones over calmly.

Still lost in a state of subconciousness and wounded from the fight they obeyed like puppets and got closer to her without a moment of hesitation.

The male knelt on the ground as the female slightly lowered herself to be at the same level as Uzi.

Once they were close enough the symbol appeared again forcing their heads closer to the girl's touch, as one of her eyes turned into said symbol. "I think I like you like this more." Uzi said with a sly smile as she looked at V, cupping her cheek while her other hand rested on N's head softly caressing it.

Uzi was the same as we know her... But she took after her mother even more so.

New admin: darkxwolf17

The end

#murder drones uzi #murder drones nori #nori murder drones #murder drones n #murder drones v

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uroboros-if · 10 months

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i'm sure i found Uroboros through the beautiful art you first commissioned for the romanceable characters! it was a suggested post on Tumblr waaaay back when and i stayed to hopefully see the equally-as-beautiful UI come to life in your story c':

This was in reference to a poll I made asking way back how people found my story!

But thank you so much Anon!! ♥️ It's because of Uroboros that I have a special appreciation for artists, and I have been commissioning often since! Money is a little tight as I am studying, but it makes all of the art I've received extra special. ♥️♥️

I still wish I can improve on the UI of the game, but I will have to focus my efforts on writing!

Using this post as an excuse to give a special THANK YOU to the many fans who have created any kind of art for the game; your works are always so special to me. It only takes seconds to look at it, but the dedication and effort towards creating it is monumental.

More than ever, artists need our support, so for as long as I have money to spare, I will keep using it to support them! ♥️♥️

I also appreciate other IF authors who are writing for passion, because that also takes an extreme amount of creativity and patience to put something out for others to see!

As for you Anon, thank you so much again! I am so glad you found your way here through the art that is so near and dear to me. 💕 Thank you for the ask!

#uroboros-if #uroboros #asks #anon #mistytalks

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dallonwrites · 1 year

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bestie how the fuck do you start writing again when you haven't written in years bc you're so paralyzed with Fear of Writing Badly mixed with How Do I Get Started and also WHAT do I write about HELP

I WANT to write but every part of it is. so. DAUNTING

Ohhh bestie I have BEEN there. Whenever I take breaks from writing I find myself scared that I'll have just….forgotten to write?? I think the fear of "bad writing" is amplified when you don't write for a while, however long, because you have to like hype yourself up to go back to writing and it's like what if I do all that and then I just can't do it? Returning to writing, especially after a long time, for me has taken a lot of mental work, trying to understand what will make writing fun and healthy for me. A lot of it, honestly, is easier said than done, but also it's mental work you'll keep doing after you start writing again and as you write, and for me it's easier to process my relationship with writing when I am actually writing.

A big part of that mental work for me, and something I think is so valuable, is to reconsider what "bad" writing is and give yourself permission to write it. Sometimes you will think your writing sucks, happens to all of us, but that isn't all it has to be. Like yeah, I'll think something I wrote sucks, but I still wrote it. I can revisit it and work on it and maybe I'll turn it into something I'm happy with. And even if I don't, I still wrote it, I learned from it. Writing does not need to be "good" by whatever standard we're holding it up to for it to have value. And you can delete it! Nobody has to see it! Also you can have fun writing something and still think it's not your best. I've written a lot of "bad" scenes that I had fun with because the scene was entertaining to me! I love when writing turns out how I like it, or I write a banger prose line, but equally I found it helpful to give myself permission to not worry about that all the time and just focus on my interest/enjoyment in what I'm writing, regardless of the "quality". Again, easier said than done, but something I've found easier the more I write, because you'll have bad writing days but you'll also have writing days that are so good

I know a lot of people see writing as a skill that they want to improve, and like I agree it feels really good to see your writing grow, but writing is so much more than the skill and the craft and the theory. There is no objective "perfection" to reach with writing like we are not Sims with levelled skills LOL. Writing is art and creativity and it should be fun and fulfilling. And IMO, the more you focus on what makes writing fun, you will grow and "improve" as a writer a lot quicker and in a way that is a lot more enjoyable than if you treat writing like some icy quest for perfection. You also get to decide what "good" writing is for you/your story. Some of my stories are more prose focused and I'll play more with language, imagery etc. Others are more about the plot and just having fun imagining this scene. Sometimes it's a mix of both. What is "good" writing depends on the writer, story, genre, etc. There is no one way to write.

I'm rambling a lot because I'm just really passionate about this and I cannot express enough how easier writing got, including all the difficult and ugly and frustrating parts, when I gave space to prioritise my enjoyment and fun. People love to romanticise the idea of the "struggling" writer. I see stuff on here and I'm like you guys….writing should be fun. Like yeah sometimes it's hard and we should talk about that but like, you Need to make sure you are having fun. Anyway I'm going to try not to ramble and bullet point some things that helped me:

Make Writing Fun: Lol! Literally whatever makes writing fun. Sometimes I just write super indulgent scenes and the fun of that sets me up to work on my projects. When I work on my projects I try to find what in each scene I'm going to enjoy the most, and focus on that to help me write the rest. I make playlists, moodboards, memes, art etc for my story because it's fun, and it helps me be engaged with my story outside of writing it. Just, have fun.

On productivity: some people will benefit from setting clear goals and running towards them. Some people don't. For me it depends on my headspace. I don't think productivity is a bad thing, it can feel good, but productivity should not be the only reason you write. And the most productive writing process is whichever one makes writing enjoyable for you, because that's how you'll get words on the page

On that note, please be wary of anyone online who who treats the writing advice they share as Fact. I'm not saying every writing teacher out there does...but some of them market it that way! And creators do not have an authority on writing just because they have a platform however big. There are some AMAZING content creators out there who talk about writing, and I have found them motivating, but like just let yourself be picky about who you listen to/engage with. I say this because I consumed some very Strict writing advice when I was younger and it literally contributed to my years long slump so like...I'm picky now LOL

About goals: Personally, gentle goals are what help me get back into writing. Maybe just write for 20 minutes, or write every day for a couple days. When I do word count goals, I base them on how I feel that day, and recently I don't make a word count, I'll transfer it to the next session but smaller. So if I try to write 500 words but can't I'll say okay, lets try 250 next time. Goals can be a great motivator and way to feel achieved, and maybe bigger goals will help you, but you're also allowed to adjust them as you go to make it easier

On finding new ideas, having been there before, you don't need a fully fleshed out idea to start writing. My longest break I came back to writing with...one character and a backstory? If you have stories/characters already you can revisit them, either build on what you have or completely change it. Or if you don't have that, if there's a piece of media you like you can take that concept and play around with it in your own way, or you can even just write fanfic until you have your own idea (if you want your own idea, fanfic is cool too!) You can even just find a cool pic on pinterest and play around with describing it, writing about it, seeing if you can get anything from that. Ideas are everywhere and they can be tiny, and I think if you have that want to write you Will find your story eventually. All writers have had the Idea struggle, but I think the more you engage with writing and think about what concepts and stories interest you already, the more you'll like train yourself to get ideas

That was very long and maybe a lot but like, I am very passionate about this! I've been in writing "slumps" where I didn't know if I would write again, I've started writing again with no ideas, and in those times all I had was the fact I knew I wanted to write. There are a lot of reasons why we end up having long breaks from writing and it is totally normal, sometimes beneficial for us, and we should never give ourselves a hard time for not writing for however long. But also remember that you can always come back. Every one of us has the capacity to create, whatever that looks like, and you can make it as self indulgent and self serving as you want.

#also a bit on the creators and writing advice thing #I dont think every creator out there who does How To Do X.....is treating what they say as fact. and i dont think that's Bad #i think they're just teaching what they think is valuable info #but like...you're allowed to disagree with it #but I've also encountered people with big platforms who will say shit like if you don't do This Thing you WILL fail in some way #just because THEY had that expreience...or will do writing advice marketed like Harsh Truths For Writers!!!#and like yeah you might find something valuable in that but like it's all marketing!!! they want you to click on their post and engage!#again! not always a bad thing it's how the internet works unfortunately! but sometimes it IS kind of shady lol and you can just ignore it #i'm saying this as someone sharing advice right now. you can disagree with any of this lol #some people share writing advice online and that's literally how they make money or they're using that advice to sell their product #again fair i dont think that's inherently bad but i think just. look at this stuff with a critical eye. people have experience that can be #helpful but NOBODY is an authority on writing #cause unfortunately some people Are capitalising on the fact there are vulnerable writers out there looking for help #putting this extension in the tags because its not so much about starting to write again but i think its important #in regards to engaging with writers spaces. that engagement can be so motivating but you have to set barriers LOL

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