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amysubmits · 5 years

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Resistance

Recently @cynicaldom told me that he has been feeling resistance from me and that it’s really weighing on him. I could tell he was sad. I was a bit confused at first because I haven’t told him ‘no’ or done anything that felt to me like struggling with him for power. I didn’t feel like I was resisting him. And he said it wasn’t that I had actually resisted him either. It was more like...hesitation or reluctance or friction. I could tell he was telling me that his needs weren’t being met. That he needed something more or something different from me. I was a bit confused and really anxious at first. He wasn’t saying I resist him in a power struggle or disobedience sense though. He was saying he felt resistance in our leash. That yes, I was doing the submissive things, but often with hesitation, friction, or tension. Not spoken - just things he can feel in my body language or mood. An energy of feeling resistant despite being compliant. I was broken-hearted at seeing his pain and I felt helpless at first. Because I haven’t been lazy or slacking. I do my chores, I obey what he tells me. I put the effort in even when I don’t feel like it. I told him I thought it was just the result of my stress and anxiety and he said he knew that was the case. At first, my anxiety made me jump to feeling like ‘Well I guess I’m just not good enough then? What else can I do?” It just hit some specific anxiety triggers for me and I hate having thoughts like that, they feel a bit pathetic and thankfully, even in moments of really high anxiety I’m able to recognize them as not my real beliefs or feelings despite how real they feel. So I expressed that I was feeling too anxious and we sort of let the conversation end for the time being.

With that space, I was able to step back from my anxiety and after a bit and that helped me to start to see things more clearly. After my anxiety passed and my logical brain came back...I was better able to process what he was saying..and realize that I was looking at it is assuming I had no power over my mood or stress levels which may sometimes be true in the moment but isn’t necessarily true overall. Submission has felt hard more often than not for a while. I haven’t spoken it, or whined. I haven’t even excessively asked for leniency. He just feels it in my body language, in my mood. I knew it had been that way, but in my mind I just wasn’t really feeling it but I was showing up for him and that was what mattered. My stress levels run high, my mood runs lower than my old normal and I had basically just assumed there was nothing at all I could do about that so I was just pushing through. I also over-think everything even more than usual, including CD’s decisions and he feels that hesitation, that resistance even though I comply. I understood why this would cause a problem for him because it’s my free-flowing submission that feels best and that has been in shorter supply.

Something that’s really hard about having a parent who is slowly dying is you have to try to find a normal while life doesn’t feel normal at all because you have this huge stress hanging over your head all the time..but you can’t let it consume you because the rest of life is still happening too. It’s hard to know what it’s reasonable to expect of myself in really any area of life right now because i’m dealing with things I’ve never had to face before. CD working more than he used to and earning a promotion to a new position makes things more complex as well because he’s got more stress on him. That all contributed to why I hadn’t seen ‘just getting through’ as a problem. I thought it was just sort of the situation we’re in. I’m just too stressed to fully let go very often and that’s just how it is, I had thought.

Hearing CD express that he had unmet needs (he didn’t phrase it that way, but I understood that to be the case) woke me up and made me realize I have to find a way to reach higher if I can. Or to at least try my best to see what I am capable of. Realistically, I don’t know exactly what is reasonable to expect of me right now. I don’t know how often I’ll be capable of ‘feeling it’ or how often I’ll be able to fully let go. When I’m really stressed or my mood just sucks...sometimes complying is the best I can do. That is just a reality of 24/7 D/s in my view. CD undertands that well and has often been the one to remind me of that in the past. We know that super happy super eager submission is never realistic full time and we both know this chapter of life is going to be harder on us. But at the same time, difficult submission being the norm was weighing on him. I realized I haven’t tried to do very much to prioritize my mental health as a way of reducing my stress or improving my mood. So it’s not cool to assume this is the best I can do when I haven’t tried to do better.

After this realization and waiting for the time to feel right...I started a second conversation to pick up from the first one. I explained to him that yes, I am often submitting just because it’s what I’ve committed to him because I am not ‘feeling it’ because I’m too stressed to enjoy letting go, and I do want to still obey him and let him lead. That’s still true. But I admitted that I had told myself for a long time that just keeping my commitments is what counts. Follow the rules, obey his instructions. That’s what submission is. Do the things. And...I don’t think that is entirely incorrect. That can be submission. But I had taken on the perspective that just “doing the things” was the whole picture, and that as long as I did the things it would be enough. When it’s not really enough to live that way for too long. That type of arrangement weighs on CD, it drains him more than it sustains him. He doesn’t want to consensually drag me, he wants me to reach out and take his hand because I’m happy to let him lead me. His heart needs to know that I want to follow, that I enjoy following, that his leadership takes care of me. That he isn’t just dragging me.

I realized part of the problem is about submissive presence, which I first started to understand as a concept about a year ago, while simultaneously realizing that it’s a major part of what CD needs from me in addition to just ‘doing the things’. How it plays into our life right now is this. These days, I have my own to-do lists while he’s at work. Sometimes he gets home and i’m not done with my own list, so I find myself struggling with him interrupting my to-do list with requests of me. So I could be more mindful of how I’m using my time to make sure i’m either done by the time he gets home from work (which I could usually do if I prioritized that goal but I haven’t) or to at least be mindful of not making my to-do list more important in my own mind than his requests of me. Just making sure I switch onto being mindful of trying to enter a submissive mindset more often.

So in that second discussion, that was part of the solution that I suggested. I also talked about waking up earlier so I can get my to-do list done before he gets home, trying to spend more time in healthy hobbies and just trying to work on how mindful I’m being. In the couple of days between the first chat and the second, I had been more conscious of being open to CD’s leadership and accepting his schedule in the evenings instead of keeping my own agenda, and I felt a difference in how peaceful and grounded I felt just by being more mindful of being ready to serve him. He said he had felt the difference too. And he didn’t think anything I suggested was a bad idea by any means, but he had a different idea. He explained that he thought i’d been holding back too much from him emotionally and that may play a larger role. That I haven’t told him enough about my worries, my stresses, the things that drag me down. I wasn’t letting him into my head and heart enough. “I feel like you don’t trust me as much. Like you think you can’t tell me some things.” Was the hardest and most powerful thing he said to me. He said it calmly and softly, but it shook me.

I broke down crying. I know how much trust means to him. I knew how much pain was wrapped into what he said. And it gave me a new understanding of our previous discussion on why he was struggling with feeling resistance in our leash, and of what he needs from me. Openness, because openness is trust and “resistance” or hesitance is staying closed up and guarded and feels like a lack of trust to him. I’ve said before that trust is love to CD. It’s a huge part of who he is and a huge piece of his dominance. Earning my trust is pretty much everything to him. So how did I lose track of that enough to hold things in too much? I don’t know. I really thought I was protecting him by not sharing my problems with him. It feels so unnatural to let him come home from a long day at work only to talk to him about the new concerns I have related to my dad’s health, or family related issues that have come up but don’t directly impact CD. It feels so selfish to do that. It feels like the more supportive thing to greet him with a smile and let him have his space without adding stress onto him. But when I pull back and try to shoulder my worries, anxieties, heartaches, stresses alone...he doesn’t feel protected from my problems. He feels like I quit trusting him. And when I don’t share my heart with him, my heart is heavier and I wear armor more often to try to “stay tough” and that makes me more grumpy, more prickly, more tense, less open. It has a ripple effect on my mood and on our relationship.

We ended the second conversation by talking about some of the things I had held back from telling him in recent weeks. Some of it was really difficult stuff that brought us both to tears. He was able to remind me of how we’ll handle certain things I’ve been really anxious about. Even though it was a heavy conversation I walked away feeling lighter. There was zero resistance because we were back to a place of total openness and vulnerability. Moving forward I just have to remember that he needs open access to my heart as much as I can give it. I need to remember that doing submissive acts isn’t necessarily the same thing as having a submissive heart so I need to think about my mindset in addition to my behaviors. I need to really internalize that it’s not selfish to let him keep me soft and my heart more submissive by shouldering some of my worries with me because it’s how we both feel better.

#writing #sccwriting #d/s #24/7 d/s

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anteroom-of-death · 4 years

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Life, For Dummies p2

a/n: quarentine’s brought out the worst in me, does anyone know anything anymore? idk... i hope you all enjoy part 2! part 3′s got the spice in my mind’s plotting... slow burn anyone???

It had been roughly a week since you’d join the Master on his TARDIS. It was cozier and the console room was an actual room, like a living room. Sure it had all the little knobs and a control center, but it had a mini kitchen and couches and soft chairs. As well as whatever books he had been reading at the moment.

Homey. Comforting even.

Today’s adventure was less relaxing than his first he brought you on: A spa planet. Three whole days of being rubbed down, being fed gorgeous tasting health foods and relaxation. Closest to being a dog that chills in a rich socalite’s handbag all day. He of course, joined you in these revelries, and you even joined him as he made little jokes about other species' appearances and gossip.

This time was him killing off an entire planet for a Empress’s cheek. He offered you pour over coffee and a Danish as he giggled over the ash filling the air from an Adirondack chair as you tried to mentally stop yourself from crying over this. You, Y/N, were here with a genocidal maniac and you should really get a grip. You signed up for this. Anything you saw was your own fault, you told yourself as you cautiously took the coffee from the man and sat next to him.

“I can tell you’re thinking, love.” He said, “Why don’t say what’s on your mind? Hmm?”

“Why me?” You tore your eyes away from the sight of a giant building falling downwards on itself. “You could have taken Yaz or Ryan or hell, even pick some schlub off the streets!”

He raised his hand and raised his voice. “So the Doctor’s the only one who can take a pet or two or more?” His eyebrows raised, there he was, always sprinkling in the word “pet” usually it brought a shiver down your spine. But not today. Not now.

You huffed and groaned, rubbing your finger into your eye, “No, Master-” you said the word as if it wasn’t your kink, but a derogatory term. “Why me? What do you expect? Huh? You’re gonna go after her one day and I will be there, looking like a traitor or a double agent or what the fuck ever, and here I am, getting attached to you and I’ve just seen you nuke a fucking civilization? I’ve never seen that happen besides like, footage of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.” You manually stopped him with a raised hand and all the venom you could shoot from your eyes. “I can’t yet reconcile friendships! It’s like eighth grade all over again and Tammy doesn’t like Britney and Britney is friends with Joe but Joe like likes Tammy and Joe’s just over here wanting to blow his brains out!” You gesticulated this flowchart of emotional entanglement before slamming down the coffee and deciding to slam the TARDIS door shut. You didn’t want an answer anymore. You accidentally revealed too much.

You didn’t know what you felt anymore.

Sure, the man was hotter than your wildest fantasies of what a hot person could look like, and the name was enough to bring out any other types of fantasies you could have. It’s not like you weren’t already shaking off dirty thoughts about him and various pieces of furniture in here.

The Master frequented between slightly soft and vulnerable to ready to kill off anyone. That wasn’t the most stable of mindsets.

You began shaking where you stood. What if he was now going to kill you? You were a lot more disrespectful than the Empress was. Your breathing became erratic and there was a definite lump in your throat forming. This, out of all the ways you thought death would come to you, especially since Time Lords entered your life, wasn’t how you expected to die.

He slammed open the door and you let out a scream before dissolving into hysterics. The scrap of dignity you had left told you not to beg for your life.

For a split minute you tried to gather yourself up and over before getting back up and spitting through your tears, “Kill me, go ahead, I dare you to!” Your breathing sped up as your heart slammed, threatening to break your rib cage. You were so close to pissing yourself as you scrunched up your eyes, you didn’t want to see your death or the man before you shrinking you to dinky size.

Would it hurt? You thought as you mentally started internerising all you hadn’t accomplished in life and the pile of dirty clothes you left at home.

“Well,” Trying to sound braver than you were, “Get on with it!”

Mirthful laughter started and got louder as you closed your eyes tighter and evened out your breathing. “Kill me!” It came out half begging at this point, the coffee stirring up the acid in your stomach

It was a second later that a sarcastic sounding applause started and you opened up your eye, only one. For caution.

“You think I’m going to kill you because you talked back once?” He purred. “Is your opinion of me that warped?”

Pointing outside, “I have my rights to think that!”

“Oh please, she thinks she can speak to anyone in any tone all her life and doesn’t like when people tell her no once, so I had to. The rest of the people are just a perk to add to her little lesson in decorum…”

“Not fucking funny!” Hauling out and hitting him in the arm, “You really had me going! I aged more in the past minute than I have all my life!” You sat down and moaned in pain as you massaged your forehead and worked on breathing.

“It was fun, loads of it. You gotta admit it.”

You groaned and leaned backwards on the couch pulling the thick afghan over your face. “Sadist.” You muttered into the thick weave.

It could have been your imagination, but you for a split second thought you heard from the other side of the room, “And don’t you love me for it.”

It could have been your dirty imagination creeping up again. Maybe…

It was like he could read your mind, and it was his own monkey bars to swing around on.Testing you out and seeing how you’d react.

Not that you’d expect someone who’s name was The Master to do anything differently…

Not that when you saw him and learned what his name was that you weren’t gunning to board the plane into subspace from dipshit-ville.

Hearing him start the TARDIS up and go for another destination, you pulled it off your face and around you like a shawl, “So why does yours change shape all the time and seem like you don’t have to run around the console?”

“Hers is meant for multiple people to fly and it’s very, very broken.”

Of course, you rolled your eyes.

“It’s supposed to blend in, do what it’s pilot says. You know, rather like a car. You wouldn’t bring a dinky muddy Jeep Wrangler to a proper black tie event? Would you.” He flipped a switch and started entering coordinates into the touch screen.

“If you ain’t a pussy.” You muttered again. The statement smacked of classism you felt.

He elected to ignore that. Thank G-d.

“So what are you in the mood for, Y/N? The best traditional Earth food the 34th century can offer or a nice shallow grave I can chuck your willing corpse into.” He smirked and wrinkled his nose at you.

“Woah. King of the non-sequitur.”

“What even is ‘traditional’ Earth food?” Last time you checked, there were hundreds of what could be argued as “traditional” Earth foods. Your curiosity was genuinely piqued. “Yeah…” you nasalled, “Gimmie the best Earth food the 34th century can offer!” You leaned back down on the couch.

“Get dressed better.” He ordered.

You slumped off to the massive wardrobe and got something comfy yet nice looking. Just in case you had to run away from an explosion or something.

Schlepping out of the depths, you twirled around, “I’m decent.”

He made a noise like the Jeopardy buzzer. “Utterly not. Try again.”

You did.

Another buzzer noise.

Third times a charm, you even put on a nice corset dress and a slide-on pair of sneakers.

He marched you up in yourself ranting about how humans couldn’t be half-arsed to make their own decisions and he should just start picking your clothing out for you.

You held your tongue and just waited for it to be over.

“Get undressed.” He flipped a hand at you.

Of all the places to strip down, in front of an alien was not on the list. It wasn’t like it was the person at the lingerie store sizing you up for a bra and panties. It was a man, alien albeit, and he was seeing you in your Hello Kitty underwear and tattered nude bra. Humiliating.

“What do I even wear? You couldn’t even whip out the Space-Zagat or tell me how many Space Michelin Stars this place has!” You covered your stomach with your hands in an attempt at modesty.

He went over to the hanger next to the door and seemingly manifested a shimmery purple ombre tulle gown and some glitzy silver strap heels.

He hastily unzipped it and said, “Pop in.” and you slid in as he zipped it up, you felt the warmth of his hands linger on the small of your back and the nape of your neck. He took his index finger and slid it up, the corner of the nail slightly catching on the soft baby hairs at the bottom of your scalp. You shivered and had a sharp intake of breath. You nearly felt more tears spring up for today. That felt good.

Suddenly, you felt a clink of a thick chain lock around your neck. “Turn around…” He ordered again, softly. He pointed towards a mirror. The sight of yourself was bewildering. It was off the shoulder and flattered you a little too much. It, paired with the solid gold chainmail necklace made you look almost regal? Queenly. All the big words.

“Oh wow…” The words almost came out a choked garble, and yet barely above a whisper. The image before you was beautiful, and he was looming in the background, dressed to the nines to match in purple and gold.

Then you exhaled.

You looked like a power couple, like Bradjelina before the split, or Michelle and Barack Obama. You were sad how well you looked together. Though, how can an alien, especially when you saw what the females of the species did- eat a bar of soap and act like a racoon on trash night.

You shook the lovely thoughts of that away. Tonight and the sensation of his slightly calloused, warm hands on your body were enough lust for one lifetime.

“We’ve arrived.” He noted, drawing you out of yet another blank faced reverie.

You and your damn reveries.

That’d be your death.

Sashaying out as he took your hand and led you into this obviously very fancy and very expensive restaurant’s coat room from what looked like a small cupboard he led you to the reception where a humanoid with grey skin and spikes on their nose sat, “Name?” They drew lazily, a curious brow spike raised at the pair of you.

“You will give us the best table and give us the best recreation-vintage.” He stated as if he was asking the weather. The creature looked dumbstruck and walked you to the table at the end of the dining hall, looking out on the vastness of space with planets twinkling and stars churning out light in the distance. The darkness contrasted well with the silver and whites of the place.

As if by meaning, the pair of you stood out. Everyone else was in muted silver tones and you were specks of color demanding attention and respect. The center of a very odd universe.

“Cotes du Rhone Red…” The waitstaff converged to you, “Sir, the finest of the Spiced Cheese Triangles...made this morning.” “Madame…” They all started simping postulating towards you.

Once you got your orders taken, you bit into one of the so called “Spiced Cheese Triangles”, it was a Dorito.

“These are Doritos.” You whispered scandalised. “Do-rit-os.” He laughed, “Classic Earth food. You know how it is. The poor people love the food, the rich come in, spruce up the area, paint over the color, then charge a dozen times more for the same food. Don’t you know gentrification when you see it?”

You guwaffed before taking a sip of your wine. The place was quiet except for the hushed chatter and soft sounds of eating. No music. Just the chasm of looking out into space. You rested your chin on your wrists and looked out. Where were you? Where was this place? So many questions scraped around your brain.

“You’re in the Black Eye Galaxy…” He responded quietly, “At the corner of it that looks into the mighty center…”

You poked at your temple then towards his face. “I knew it!” You accused in a breath. “You can read my mind!” You leaned back and crossed your arms, “And you have me scrambling to find words every second of every day.”

He winked. “A little. Human brains are very easy to rifle around in. I try not to read yours. Out of respect. I don’t mean to, all Time Lords are sensitive to the psychic vibrations of others. I was just a little more good at that when I was child. I use it to my advantage. Especially all things…” He trailed off, eyes growing dark. You made a mental note to pry later. Then tried to hide that and wipe it. He could read your mind, and you had to wrap your mind around that and compartmentalize that for another day. You didn’t want to ruin this lovely moment. Or a lovely half of a moment since it suddenly got dark. Your food got served and you continued to stare off into the great abyss of space.

“Y/N?” Asked the Master.

“Yes, Master?” You looked at him. His eyes were impossibly large and impossibly soft, framed by the longest and softest black lashes. It was strange how a man so universally feared and prone to fire-starting was capable of such a baby face.

“I want you to tell me what you’re thinking. I’d rather not read your mind.”

You felt yourself swallow a sudden lump in your throat.

“I’ll work on it.” You promised.

Were you falling in love with him? Was this love? More confusion ebbed at your head. You scraped at your eyebrow with your pinky nail.

You shoved that down deep into the caverns of your brain, where you kept your ballerina dreams and daddy issues.

You ate quietly. He barely seemed to touch a thing however. The evening drew on in a realm between too comfortable and oddly disheartening.

As the evening drew to a close, he didn’t even pay. He just said to the waitress, “We’re finished.” And walked back to the TARDIS. This time not holding your hand. You didn’t know if that was a sign for you to grow up and stop fantasizing. You could take a hint. You weren’t as dumb as you looked.

You marched to your room and couldn’t yet bear to rip your beautiful outfit from yourself. Especially the necklace, it felt oddly right. Like a collar or a letterman jacket. Something definitive of a bond. You sniffled. No more tears.

Wall of emotional protection, back up. Time to protect yourself. There’s no condom for your heart- you told yourself.

You went out back to the small kitchenette in the console room and made yourself a cup of tea to settle your stomach and saw him leaning over the counter of his little planning station, papers askew, hair mussed. It was sinful for one man to look insanely good while plotting something.

“You’re still dressed?” He asked. Of course he’d stripped into something more comfortable, an unbuttoned waistcoat and jeans, a simple light purple button up. Did he sleep? You were contemplating PJs.

“Yeah. Problem?” You shrugged.

The look given was indescribable.

“Utterly indecent.” He shook his head. He turned away for a second to bookmark the thick book he had. The way his jeans- midrise- shift around his bum was something funky. His hips were a bit wide so they slung over his body lavisciously. You caught yourself staring at it

“Oh for fucks sake.” He said looking at you, your mouth sideways gaped, like you were some truck driver eyeing up a dime a ride whore at the stop. For all the rollercoaster of the day, the Master was breathtaking to look at.

He was in your mind again, and you were too tired and emotionally strung out to care.

“I just want tea.”...and you, you mentally added, hoping that he’d get the subtext and either kill you to stop you from humiliating yourself further or make a move. Either or, it was something.

He made a tutting noise and said, “Oh, you’d have to give me something in return.” A grin that was thoroughly wicked and possibly evil crept up and warmth flooded his eyes. His perfectly white teeth flashing dangerously in the ambient lighting.

“What’s that?” You opened the line for bartering. You slid onto the table he was working at. Tea could wait for a second. Things just got interesting.

He put one of those larger than life hangs on your neck and rested the crook of his thumb on your jaw, and petted it slightly. The rest of his fingers slightly applied a pressure to the base of your skull. His eyes traced over your face as he contemplated. He licked his lips slightly before speaking.

“I want you, fully. No more thoughts of ‘Oh, what if the Doctor catches us?’ or if you’re a traitor to her just because you are mine now. If she was truly a friend to you, and not just a preoccupation…”He cocked his head and focused his eyes on your lips. “She’d grant you this…” He moved his thumb down to the hollow of your jaw and pressed it. “She’d let you.” You closed your eyes and fluttered your eyelashes flipping around the millions of pro’s and con’s. You felt yourself relax and your body made your choices for you, you weren’t fighting it anymore.

“What do you say, love?” He breathed in a husky tone.

“Yes.”

“Yes, who?” He chided in a guiding tone.

“Yes, Master.”

“Good girl.” He laughed and dipped you down on the table inhaling your lips inward and pressed down with his free hand on your hip.

Giving up never would feel so good...

#personal #i wrote this #fanfic #doctor who self insert fiction #dhawan!master x reader #dhawan!master #sacha dhawan #thirst be real #reader insert #master x reader

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giapism · 5 years

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I took a Harvard course on dealing with pandemics. Here’s what I learned about the Corona Virus.

A couple of weeks ago, I enrolled in an online course named “Lessons from Ebola: Preventing the Next Pandemic” from Harvard University in hope of gaining a more educated standpoint on how to deal with the current COVID-19 situation.

In this post, I’ll combine what I’ve learned in the course with my own research and observations into lessons applicable to COVID-19 in 5 sections: 1) A comparison of COVID-19 to Ebola, the most recent pandemic; 2) Trust and Community Engagement as essential elements for success in the fight against pandemics; 3) What you can do as an individual to fight COVID-19; 4) What nations can do to fight COVID-19 and 5) Helpful Resources. Feel free to read all or skip to the sections that interest you the most.

1. “Not enough people die from Corona for it to be dangerous! Ebola’s death rate was way higher!”

Opening up the long post, let’s talk about how COVID-19 has been continually compared to past epidemics and how these comparisons seem to make sense, but really don’t. With the overall mortality rate of COVID-19 at only 4% compared to the double digits of its predecessors, many people—like the young man below—are skeptical of whether it’s really that dangerous at all.

The tweet then follows with a specific comparison of COVID-19′s then 3.4% mortality rate to the 2014 outbreak of Ebola’s 50% mortality rate in attempt to downplay COVID-19′s dangers and justify OP’s “you only live once” mentality.

Looking at this gap, COVID-19′s dangers couldn’t possibly compare to past outbreaks, right? Well... not quite. While the statistics are correct, the way they’re used here completely disregards other important factors regarding the context of how these diseases are spread, making it hard to compare whether one is “more dangerous” than the other at all.

If you really want to compare, you need a holistic comparison of the contexts, resources available, responses and much more. I’ll give a few examples below to show how the two epidemics are different:

A. International and Local Response

In case of the 2014 Ebola epidemic, WHO took extremely long to declare the situation an international emergency. The first Ebola cases hit in December 2013, but only 8 months later did WHO announce “emergency” status. By then, with no funds/aid to buy medical equipment and no volunteer health workers mobilized to aid the severe lack of doctors on site, the damage done was already too great. More than half of the 2500 patients had already lost their lives. With no resources and no international help in those entire 8 months, local governments struggled immensely, resulting in responses so weak that many citizens lost faith in the system. This meant there was no unanimous cooperation to fight Ebola in the beginning.

With COVID-19, WHO’s pandemic warning came much faster: less than 4 months after the first case in November 2019. This means that countries will have more time to prepare themselves in advance before the virus reaches its peak in their own lands, and that funding/aid can be efficiently funneled to places currently that need them the most. In China, where COVID-19 first appeared, the government were incredibly robust in responding to the crisis, immediately locking down the region, mobilizing resources and educating their people. Unlike the West Africans with Ebola, the Chinese had trusted their governments and been highly involved in the fight against corona since the beginning. It only took China 2 months to shut down schools, whereas it took the West Africas 6-7 months. For the Ebola epidemic, these delays dealt a fatal blow to their already sky-high number of casualties.

B. Resources Available in Countries of Breakout

In Sierra Leone, Guinea and Liberia where most cases of Ebola broke out, there were severe shortages human resources, medical equipment and training on how to handle the disease. Already tiny, under-equipped clinics couldn’t handle the influx of patients. Sierra Lione had roughly 51 physicians for 5 million people, that’s a 1:98,000 physician to citizen ratio, and protective equipment was so lacking that people initially had to use plastic bags in place of gloves. Without personal protective equipment, many health workers ended up dying from the disease, leaving less people to care for increasing cases. Countries like America also discouraged volunteering, firing everyone who wanted to help in Africa for fear of them bringing back Ebola, driving down the number of outside helpers even more.

While there were definitely shortages in Wuhan, the first epicenter of COVID-19, China definitely had better resources and medical facilities available for its citizens. Following the outbreak, 23 000 doctors and nurses were mobilized to Hubei Province (Wuhan is the capital of Hubei), that’s a ratio of around 1:2,500 physicians to citizens. Still a crazy stretch, of course (even assuming that not every citizen will fall sick), but already way, way better than the ratio in Ebola hotspots. China is also much richer than the West Africas, and besides the money the Chinese Government was pouring into the COVID-19 fight, many wealthy Chinese businessmen and celebrities donated millions of dollars worth of medical equipment, masks and money to fund research and treatments.

China had far better capabilities to deal with COVID-19 than the West Africas had with Ebola. Perhaps you could consider Ebola’s high death rate a reflection of the struggling African response, and COVID-19′s lower one a reflection of the more prepared Chinese one. It’s NOT, however, a direct reflection of which diseases is more dangerous on its own and by how much. If COVID-19 had broken out in a country with the same resources as West Africa, the death toll would undoubtedly be much higher.

But that was at the beginning of the outbreak. Now, the situation around the world isn’t looking too great. COVID-19 in over 190 countries, many whose medical systems are sorely under-prepared to handle the virus, placing nations at risk of healthcare collapse. As medical supplies, human resources and hospital beds run out, more people will unquestionably die. The mortality rate has already risen from 2% to 4% since I started writing this article.

C. Infectiousness and Scale of Disease

Miraculously as it seems, Ebola mostly stayed within the African nations with only 14 cases outside (USA-11, Italy-1, Spain-1, UK-1). This was because Guinea, Sierra Leone and Libera (regions most affected) were already fairly isolated nations, and being right next to the sea prevented the virus from spreading in that direction. Local governments set-up strict border control, and international airlines/private companies basically stopped flying to Africa so few people could carry the virus outside affected areas.

While Ebola spreads through direct contact, COVID-19 is spread through droplets that can cling to hard surfaces, making it much more infectious. Despite Hubei’s lockdown, the virus managed to spread to over 190 countries across the world where cases will only continue to rocket unless governments act fast. Just for comparison, yes Ebola killed 50% of cases, but its scope was much smaller with 28,637 cases in contrast to Corona’s 430,000 cases (and counting). COVID-19’s scope is wider than not just Ebola, but also 2003′s SARS (26 countries, 8098 cases) and 2012′s MERS (27 countries, 2494 cases) which it is often compared to. An outbreak of this scale hasn’t been present since the Spanish Flu in 1918 (which affected over 500 million people).

Now how does that translate in terms of danger? Well, with outbreaks focused in few regions like Ebola, it’s much easier to coordinate support from international organizations (MSF, WHO...) and other nations. People know exactly where they should be sending resources and supplies, and where to direct help. But when all 195 countries are infected with the virus, it’s impossible for WHO to help all nations that need it because there just aren’t enough resources! When everyone’s struggling to contain their own cases, helping other countries just isn’t a priority anymore. The world can come together to help 3 countries, maybe even 30, but all 195? That’s a completely different story.

Mini conclusion: Don’t be fooled by COVID-19′s seemingly low mortality rate into thinking it isn’t dangerous. COVID-19 is of larger scale than all recent pandemics, including Ebola, and threatens to bring a bigger danger: the collapse of healthcare systems worldwide. Governments can lower cases and deaths by taking strict preventative measures and ensuring enough resources/supplies are always available at hand.

2. Community Engagement + Trust = Success (well that’s the gist of it, anyway)

A. Community Engagement vs. Individual Satisfaction

In countries like China, Vietnam, South Korea, and recently Italy, governments have taken strict measures to control the virus, including but not limited to cancelling schools and events, issuing detailed quarantine/treatment protocols and educating people of the disease nationwide. Citizens have banded together and are closely cooperating with their government to overcome the epidemic. The Vietnamese Prime Minister has even called the effort “Chống Dịch Như Chống Giặc” which roughly translates to “Fighting the virus like fighting against invaders/enemies.” This is not an exaggeration. With every single person and community fully engaged and playing their part to stop COVID-19, it really does feel like we’re “going to battle.”

Countries with the highest levels of community engagement and strongest government responses have proven to be most successful in dealing with pandemics time and again. They don’t even need the most money or best medical equipment, just complete trust in their government’s efforts and the mindset of everyone doing their part for the greater good.

Interestingly enough, many countries successfully containing COVID-19 are Asian despite being closer to the initial outbreak, which might reflect the emphasis on “community” in Asian cultures, while Western nations that prioritize “individuality” generally end up doing worse. For example, at one time Italy and South Korea both had around 7000 cases, but Italy’s death toll was 366 while South Korea’s was 50. Koreans had shut down schools and public events, issued tens of thousands of tests, and were all self-quarantining. Italy had seen thousands of cases the week before, yet citizens at that time showed little concern and still gathered en-mass, allowing the virus to spread more quickly. This was right before the Italian Government announced COVID-19 as a national emergency and locked down the entire country—only then did people start taking it seriously.

Notice how both situations dealt with viral spreads, but Koreans’ strict abidance to community guidelines early on helped lower the number of fatalities drastically, and now Korea is reporting fewer and fewer new cases every day while Italy’s numbers are still increasing exponentially. Likewise, in America where governments ignored WHO’s emergency warning and failed to take precautionary measures against COVID-19, numbers are soaring with over 30,000 cases accumulating in 3 weeks. Countries where people choose to indulge in short-term individual satisfaction end up facing far worse consequences than countries which choose to sacrifice some personal liberties early on for the greater good.

B. The Problem of Trust

So now let’s talk about trust, another crucial factor in dealing with pandemics. When Ebola hit the West Africas in 2014, one of the biggest hurdles hindering recovery early on was the complete lack of trust between citizens, the government and even international helpers. When physicians from abroad first showed up, they were shunned—locals didn’t trust these strangers in plastic suits and goggles, speaking tongues different from their own. Locals didn’t trust that the healthcare system could actually cure them, and in many districts people stopped going to clinics entirely for fear of contracting Ebola. Imagine the complications that arose because of that lack of trust! People refusing to visit clinics meant more severe infections, more deaths, more transmissions, and lack of cooperation with government efforts.

The early days of Ebola were a medical disaster. It was only when the government solidified trust with citizens by training community health workers and educating nationwide about the disease that things started looking up. Likewise, to successfully control and overcome COVID-19, governments and their citizens must trust each other wholeheartedly and closely cooperate to push back dangers.

“Learn to trust the government if they're taking action. It’s not because they're more intelligent or more prepared than you, certainly, but they are the only people with access to all of the available information. Knowledge is power, now more than ever. We are able to evaluate and predict the effect of the measures, so there's a reason they've been taken.” — Angelo Sidonio.

Right now, trust is a big problem. People all over the world are in panic because they don’t believe their governments are doing everything possible to keep them safe. And they’re rightfully concerned! As food banks and shelters close down due to lack of volunteers, over 320,000 homeless people in the UK, unable to self-isolate, face even greater dangers than before. In America, where almost 40 million people live in poverty and another 3 quarters live paycheck to paycheck, sky-high medical bills can either discourage citizens from seeking treatment, or push those who do into bankruptcy. And that’s assuming they even get treated, for although America is taking some measures like “social distancing” only a tiny number of cases are being dealt with. As of March 23rd, Spain and America both have around 30 000 cases, yet Spain has finished treating 4,400 cases while America has only treated 636 — that’s a difference of seven times!

Until governments can prove themselves trustworthy to their citizens, the efforts to contain COVID-19 will be long, arduous and without unanimous support. This means ensuring even the most vulnerable groups feel protected and assuring citizens that should they contract the virus, they will get quality treatment that won’t break the bank. Trust minimizes panic, boosts morale and creates unity, putting the country in a better position to defeat the pandemic.

Mini conclusion: To overcome pandemics 1) Citizens must trust that the government is doing everything possible to protect them (gov. should actually be doing this by the way!) and 2) Everyone must be fiercely involved in community engagement, playing their part to stop the disease spread. Personal sacrifices are sometimes necessary for the greater good. Trust minimizes panic, boosts morale and cooperation.

3. So what can YOU do about all this?

A lot of what I’ve just said points to systematic issues and government decisions that most of us can’t really change (unless you’re perhaps planning to become the next world leader, then yes, please go ahead and change them), so I’ll talk a bit about what we can do as students or individuals. There’s obviously all that stuff about washing your hands and self-quarantining which I won’t repeat—you can access WHO’s guidelines here and Vietnam’s guidelines here—but below are some other important things worth considering:

A. Raising Awareness and Educating Others

In many countries, there has still been no official nationwide efforts to educate the public on the risks of COVID-19, leading to many citizens either misunderstanding, trivializing or being ignorant of the topic. If you live in such an area, do your part by raising awareness on the following points, plus any more you can think of:

“Othering” and Exoticizing

COVID-19 brought about another disease: racism. Across the world, Asians are being shunned, discriminated against and seen as “carriers of the virus.” Many Chinese restaurants are losing customers, and some Asians are even getting beat up for wearing masks.

This is what you would call “othering”—somehow exoticizing COVID-19 as something intrinsically separate and different from oneself. “Oh that’s a Chinese disease that originated from exclusively Chinese practices of eating wild animals! It has nothing to do with me!” Saying this makes people feel “separated” from the risks because they don’t partake in these “distinctively Chinese” practices that lead to COVID-19. This is all false security, though. COVID-19 and its modes of transmission isn’t “distinctly Chinese” and consumption of wild animals is found across the globe (France, America...)

To exoticize human practices as “different” or “savage” is clearly racist and shouldn’t be condoned/ignored under any circumstances. However, do be careful as to how you go about responding to these people. If you’re aggressive, it will most likely backfire. If you can, try to remain calm and build understanding (most of these people are just ignorant, not inherently evil and incapable of love), as attacking them will only make them more defensive. More importantly, check on the victims of racism: let them know you support and stand by them.

“It’s only dangerous in ______! We’re safe here!”

But are you really? In a world as interconnected as ours, is there really such a thing as ‘only local’ anymore? Do you have family members or fellow citizens in epidemic hotspots? With millions of trains, cars and airplanes flying between cities, states and countries, do you really think there’s no chance that the virus will spread to where you currently live? At the start, we all thought COVID-19 could be contained in China, yet now it’s in 190 countries with rocketing numbers! There’s no such thing as completely safe, and many precautions are free and easy.

Trivializing: “It’s not even that dangerous! I’ll go to the pub if I want to! Plane tickets are on sale, so maybe I’ll go travelling too!”

Please don’t be irresponsible. You might not be at risk, but walking around and going to crowded places increases the chance of you picking up the virus and spreading it to others with who won’t survive! Perhaps you’ll end up passing it to your parents, grandparents, or someone with underlying health problems whose infection would be fatal. Perhaps you’ll pass it to someone without health insurance, who can’t pay for the cost of treatment. Remember that it won’t just be you suffering if anything bad happens, but those around you as well.

B. Educate Yourself: Study the Situation In Depth

Next! Other than teaching others the basic know-hows of COVID-19, it’s also important to educate yourself. And I don’t just mean knowing the basic symptoms and 6 steps of hand-washing. Most of us are self-quarantining with not much to do. Go deeper.

If you have the time, study how nations, NGOs and international organizations dealt with past pandemics, which methods succeeded or failed, and how they’re currently dealing with this epidemic. How is funding for research related to infectious diseases allocated and how can we improve the system for information sharing between scientists and nations? How and when does the WHO, World Bank, UNICEF and other UN Institutions allocate funding, humanitarian aid and expert help in a time when demand outweighs supply? What levels of involvement and accountability are to be expected at the level of individuals, communities, nations, and international organizations and how should they work together?

It’s a lot of knowledge, certainly, and you needn’t learn it all at once. But understanding the relationships between public health, economy and politics (even at a very basic level) will be tremendously helpful in making sense of why governments/organizations do what they do, and how our lives will be affected. At the end of this article I’ll list some resources I’ve found valuable for you to check out if you’re interested.

4. What Nations Can Do (Not an Expert Though So Maybe Don’t Quote Me On Your Essay)

Disclaimer: I’m not an expert on this so if someone actually does this and it ends up failing, don’t sue me. But alright, after taking the course on dealing with pandemics and observing how countries around the world are reacting, I’ve pieced together some basic steps that might work.

S. “TEST, TEST, TEST!”

In a press briefing on 16th March 2020, WHO Director General Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus announces “We have a simple message for all countries: test, test, test!” He emphasizes testing, isolation and contact-tracing as the backbone of the response, and urges nations to ramp up on these measures. That’s not to say that social distancing isn’t important—it is and we MUST continue to do it —but quarantining alone is not enough to extinguish the pandemic.

South Korea’s success in driving down it’s number of cases from exponential increase to few new cases per day is largely credited to its efficient testing. South Korea has issued over 380,000 tests since the COVID-19 outbreak in its country, and is testing some 20,000 people everyday. By testing suspects or those with mild symptoms, carriers are isolated and treated before they can spread it to others, well before their condition becomes fatal. With the recent donation of testing kits from WHO and other organizations, hopefully many more countries will also see the lowering numbers of this nation.

A. Nationwide Education on Pandemic

Next, to put out the epidemic, countries must provide ongoing, consistent and thorough education to the public about COVID-19 nationwide, regardless of whether they’re epicenters or not. No, a government official going on TV to say 5 sentences about the breakout is not enough. You cancelled classes? All your students should deeply understand why it’s so important that we don’t gather in crowds and spend that time isolating, not gathering at parties to ‘celebrate.’ Instead of the occasional “just wash your hands” reminder, comprehensive hygiene protocols should be put up noticeably everywhere and everyone should be able to repeat them.

Schools, hospitals, companies, communities and families must all have guidelines for dealing with the virus (appropriate to the level of severity in their area), and constantly be reminding their members of these duties. Every individual must deeply understand what they’re dealing with, what the risks are and how they can play their part in fighting the epidemic.

B. Standardized Procedures & Training

To educate, there needs to be standardized guidelines, procedures and protocols to educate with. Perhaps it would wise to train physicians around the country instead of just those at epicenters: that way when new cases arise away from the epicenter, local physicians can treat them right there instead of transporting them to hospitals in other cities, increasing chances of spreading the disease along the way (Vietnam is doing this.) Train community workers too, so they know how to handle local cases and can educate their communities--in an emergency like this, no community must be left ignorant.

For the general public, training on remote working is necessary too: many companies and schools are struggling with effective online meetings and communications. It’s only when everyone’s forced to work online that you realize many teachers don’t know what the heck they’re doing and everyone’s webcam/mike is off because they’re actually looking at memes instead of studying.

C. Strengthening Emergency Responses

Perhaps two months ago this section would be named “improve your healthcare system to prepare for the worst” but now that we’re in the middle of the outbreak, it’s impossible to fix everything as we go along. Instead, right now nations must strengthen their emergency response systems. This means being able to re-allocate funds and human resources to necessary areas, build/transform new treatment/quarantine wards and hospitals quickly, and ensure no shortages of medical (and general) supplies.

To meet demands in dire conditions, this requires governments to think outside outside the box and be resourceful, transforming their current assets (even if lacking) into something usable. In Singapore, this means using the army to pack masks and supplies for the population. In Vietnam, it meant clothing factories switching gears to mass-produce affordable, safe cloth masks to make up for shortages. It could mean governments hiring airlines and restaurants to make food for people in quarantine, transforming army camps or hotels into quarantine wards, quickly finding ways to train new personnel or creating an online health reporting system for their citizens. Whatever the case, an emergency like this one requires governments to step up their game and respond faster.

D. 10 Recommendations for Reform Before The Next Pandemic

To get more onto the academic side of things, after the Ebola outbreak of 2014, the Harvard-LSHTM Independent Panel on Ebola came out with this report, outlining 10 reform recommendations to help deal with future pandemics. I feel like a lot of it is still relevant today and should be adopted by nations to tackle the COVID-19 situation. I will quickly summarize the report in bullet points below because it’s super long, but check it out for yourself if you have time:

Prevention:

Nations must invest domestically in their core capacities (strengthening healthcare system, education programs...) The global community should provide poorer countries with funding and help to invest in these capacities.

WHO should promote early reporting of epidemics. There should be financial incentives for countries that report early to 1) Help deal with the outbreak and 2) Compensate for economic losses.

Response:

WHO should create a Center for Outbreak Response with strong technical capacity, generous budgets and clear accountability lines.

WHO should create a transparent, politically protected Committee with the power of declaring public health emergencies (right now only the Director General can declare public health emergencies).

An independent UN Accountability Commission should be created to assess worldwide responses to major disease outbreaks.

Research and Development (R&D):

Rules/guidelines on operating during/between outbreaks should be developed to oversee efficient research and ensure access to the benefits of research.

Research funders should establish a worldwide R&D financing facility for outbreak-relevant drugs, vaccines, diagnostics, and non-pharmaceutical supplies.

Governing global system on prevention and response:

Create a Global Health Commission in the United Nations Security Council (UNSC).

WHO should focus scale back expansive activities and focus on it’s core functions. In outbreaks, focus on 1) helping nations improve core capacities 2) rapid early response and assessment of outbreaks (including potential emergency declarations) 3) establishing technical norms, standards, and guidance and 4) convening global community to set goals, mobilize resources, and negotiate rules.

WHO needs to reform to be more effective. Member states should be vocal about choosing a strong, competent leader.

Again, these recommendations were made after WHO’s response to the Ebola outbreak of 2014. Although COVID-19 will bring about many new difficulties not yet covered in this report, it’s still a valuable guide for how we can prepare for the worst. WHO has since carried out multiple reforms, and despite the severity of the situation, are responding faster this time round to provide the world with information to tackle the crisis. Looking at successes to contain the disease around the world, we know what works. If all countries could apply those measures responsibly, we can pull through.

5. Helpful Resources

Lastly, I’d like to share some resources I’ve found tremendously helpful in understanding this COVID-19 ordeal. Check them out when you have time!

First, the “Lessons from Ebola: Preventing the Next Pandemic” online course from Harvard University that I mentioned at the beginning. The course runs for 1 month and is totally free! I got a lot of valuable insight from it on international responses to major infectious outbreaks. Although only Ebola is talked about in specific, a lot of it can apply to other diseases too, and I highly recommend it for basic understanding.

For general information:

Vietnam’s COVID-19 website from the Ministry of Health

World Health Organization (WHO) COVID-19 Updates and General Information

Worldometer (COVID-19 case tracker)

Interactive Map showing global COVID-19 spread - Johns Hopkins CCSE

Interactive Map showing global COVID-19 spread - WHO (out of the 3 trackers, Worldometer usually updates fastest)

This one Mark Manson article on Individual vs. Systematic risks and other risks and biases of COVID-19

New York Times has good articles for US coverage, CNBC for worldwide-ish coverage, but Western media has a bias against China, so check out South China Morning Post for coverage from the East.

Ghen Co Vy - A Bop to Wash Your Hands to

Scientific Journals/Sciencey sources to track research reports. While normally many journals charge fees, recently all information regarding COVID-19 has been changed to open-access:

The Lancet’s COVID-19 Resource Center

Cell Press COVID-19 Resource Center

Elsevier COVID-19 Information Center

The BMJ

WHO COVID-19 Global Research Database

That’s all I can think off right now! I’ve linked most of my sources in the article, and will provide additional updates to information when I can. For now I hope this article was useful and helped you learn something new about the COVID-19 pandemic, no matter now big or small.

Depending on the situation, our days of self-quarantine can last anywhere from a few weeks to months. In that time, remember to stay vigilant and take necessary precautions to protect yourself and your community, but also stay calm because panicking won’t help. Eat and drink healthily, stay clean and safe, learn things and look out for others. Let’s conquer this virus together!

All statistics are of 25th March 2020 and prior.

#virus corona vũ hán #coronavirus #covid-19 #world health organization #education #social problems #socialdistancing #quarantine #sars cov 2 #eng #science #healthcare

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blackcoffeeandblankpagess · 5 years

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Some vulnerability for your Sunday morning

After a long chat with @runner-vs-theworld yesterday about how I am struggling™ right now I feel like it’s inauthentic not to talk about it more here. Idk part of me knows this is my space and I can post (or not) whatever I want, but I also know that I get a decent amount of messages from people saying they respect my openness or that I inspire them etc. and because of that it’s important to me to feel like I’m being honest. Also, I like to have this stuff for my own purposes to look back on.

Basically, last fall when I had my stress fracture I was in the best mental health mindset I had been in YEARS. I was doing zero in the way of exercise, literally not even walking because I was on crutches. I was going out to brunch every weekend, drinking beer with friends, eating cheese fries! doing things that used to cause so much anxiety and yeah there were times I felt freaked out but on the whole I felt good. I felt happy. I found myself in a relationship and half joked that if I had never gotten hurt that wouldn’t have happened and honestly I believe that is 100% true.

I set out to eat enough and get my period back and I did. I was so proud of myself and couldn’t wait to get back to running and training but doing it in a way that meant I was taking care of myself.

Ever since I’ve been ~healthy~ and allowed to workout again I have basically spiraled further and further down the crazy train. In the fall when I was eating more and moving less my body didn’t change (aside from maybe losing some muscle but I didn’t gain weight). At the time it was mind blowing, the idea that I could chill the fuck out, stop micromanaging, and nothing would change (I realize that it isn’t good to be afraid of that in the first place but let’s save that for another day). I realized that if eating more while doing less didn’t change my body then I DEFINITELY needed to eat a LOT more once I could workout again.

PLUS. I got a DEXA scan when I found out about the fracture and it showed osteopenia in the lumbar spine which is literally entirely a result of inadequate nutrition so I had actual scientific evidence to support me.

When I first got back to school in January and was able to walk around campus and workout a tiny bit I was on top of my shit and making a conscious effort to eat more and somewhere along the way I just..stopped.

Flash forward to this summer and I’ve been eating less than when I was injured, ramping up the running, going on long ass walks because of anxiety, doing 300 other gym things, not sleeping more than 5 hours a night, etc.

To put it simply, I’ve felt like a fucking mess.

When I ran my 10k last week I was so excited to be back out there pushing myself but a bigger part of me was terrified that at any moment my bones could break or something bad could happen because I KNOW I haven’t been taking care of myself. I KNOW something needs to change or I will get hurt again.

I think it’s easy to brush off little actions here and there that aren’t ~good~ with the idea that “I’ll do better tomorrow.” But guess what? It all adds up. You can fix your head and move on from this shit and feel better but the physical damage you’re doing? Eventually you’re going to hit the point of no return and screw yourself over for the future. When I got my stress fracture I was so pissed at my 16 year old self for not eating enough because it was the actions of 6 years ago (and now obviously) that contributed to that. And it is my actions today that are going to fuck me over in the future even if right now the consequences don’t feel “real.”

((this is a long ass post))

So anyway- on Friday, the day after my race, I called my mom freaking the fuck out because I felt anxious about taking an unplanned rest day but all I wanted was to rest, yet at the same time I felt like I might as well just go run so I would stop feeling anxious about it, etc. This has essentially been my approach to exercise for the past month. I have a plan and if I want to deviate from it, to do what ACTUALLY sounds good I end up stressing the fuck out and just going back to the plan because then I’ll “be less anxious” but actually I feel more anxious because shouldn’t I be moving in the way that I want to and the way that feels good???

So long story short (not really) my mom was like you need a break and now I’m taking a week off from formal exercise which if you’ve read this far you’re probably thinking “danielle! you’re a crazy person! that’s not enough!” but something is better than nothing ok.

Also, to go back to food, I have 100% not been eating enough and sometimes that’s intentional in the sense that I feel hungry but choose to ignore it because ~anxiety~ but a lot of the time I just don’t feel compelled to eat that extra snack, etc. etc. because I’ve just trained myself to be that way (not good). Basically what I’m trying to say is that I never set out with a goal to under eat, but as a result of my fucked up brain lately it has just been happening. And I think the under eating coupled with the compulsive exercise has just led my brain to crazy town.

So where are we now? Taking a break. I want to run because I genuinely do love running but right now everything feels forced. I want to run a half in the fall and a full in the spring and not be injured and train because I love it, but right now I am not doing myself any favors.

And eating more. According to the people closest to me I’ve lost weight in the past two months (unintentionally) and I have a gut feeling that even though I totally do not see myself accurately, my body is probably not where it should be. I need to take care of it. And that feels hard and everything feels tricky but I just have to keep pushing forward.

I’ve felt paralyzed with where to begin because there are so many different things to work on and I want to do it perfectly and solve everything and and and. But you reach a point where you just need to fricken start. So here I am, starting.

I know I’ll probably get comments or messages being like are you seeing a therapist/dietician/trying medication/etc. and while I appreciate the concern I have considered all of those things and am doing the things that I think are best rn. (however if you have just general advice or ideas I’ll gladly take it).

I feel like this makes it sound like I’m in a real bad spot and let me tell ya it’s not great but I’m okay. I’m really self aware and I know what I need to do and I’m working on it. There’s a lot of good in my life right now and a lot of reasons to be happy and I’m so grateful. But I wanted to acknowledge the struggles as well. So here they are.

If you read this whole thing damn you rock

#personalposts #recovery

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glassrain · 5 years

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Alright, so. Personal-ish story and Prayer Request.

There’s this little boy that I know, let’s call him Drew (not his real name), and he’s about 6 years old. I used to work with him on Wednesday nights at church, and he was one of the sweetest little boys you could ever meet. There’s a little girl about four years old that he would look after, holding her hand and playing with her and making sure to explain to others, “It’s okay if she isn’t talking right now - she’s shy.” Sharp as a tack. Had this smile that stretched across his entire face, big cheesy adorable grin that was so bright it could light up a dark room.

He stopped attending church a few months ago, despite the fact that his aunt and uncle (who he was living with) were both amazing people and very steady attenders. And so, I’m going to share a little bit of his story and request prayers for this sweet little boy.

Until his aunt and uncle took him in, Drew's childhood was terrible. This couple first took him in because a policeman found him and his father begging for money on the street - they didn’t have any food, and Drew was barefoot - and he was taken from his father and then was passed around by several family members who all ultimately gave him up because they found his too unreasonable to manage. His father had been unable to provide for Drew properly because he was mentally unstable, and unfit to take someone into his care. Drew’s mother was addicted to meth and also neglected him while she’d had custody, and there had been some fighting between the parents over Drew, to the point where on of his parents began referring to him by his middle name in order to hide him from the other parent. Drew had also stayed some time with his grandmother, who may have been physically abusive as well as neglectful.

Until he was taken in by this couple at my church, Drew had grown up on a steady stream of R-rated movies and M-rated video games. While I’d never heard it, he apparently swore quite heavily for a 6-year-old. He’d never been to school before.

This couple that I know wanted very much to help Drew when they stepped up and became his foster parents. But there were many, many complications that cropped up. The system, first and foremost. The system in Michigan is (from the report these people have given to me, though I’ll admit that I have no personal experience to call on) terrible. There was no urgency to put Drew in a good home, everything took very long to finally work its way through. Also, the courts were more interested in reuniting the original family unit then they were in placing Drew in a healthy, stable home. Which is absurd when you consider his original living conditions.

Also, being in the foster system, this older couple found themselves handcuffed in terms of punishments/dealing with his more physical reactions to his upbringing. Spankings were off the table, of course. They were also unable to restrain him properly (such as hugging him close so he can’t lash out) when he was reacting violently to circumstances he didn’t like. (I remember once my younger brother was supposed to babysit for an evening while this couple went out on a date. However, when Drew realized that they were going to leave, he began shouting and battering his head against a wall. Needless to say, they didn’t go out that night) They were allowed to give him time-outs or restrictions, but these punishments held very little effect on him. He wouldn’t stay in time-outs, and blatantly ignored restrictions on games or sweets, and again reacted violently when the matter was pressed, which these two were not allowed to respond to properly. Due to his status as a ward of the State there was very little this couple could do to enforce their rules.

They tried to look into Christian counseling for him. They’d found a counselor they liked and trusted, but that fell though and Drew couldn’t get the help he needed from her. I don’t remember all the details and explanations, but I do know that it once again had something to do with Drew’s status as a ward of the State.

Drew is such a good, sweet kid. He really is (or he was, last I saw of him, and I’m sure that hasn’t changed). But he started acting out at school. He’d grow physically violent with the other children. He’d threaten to kill the workers and staff. It got bad, very bad, until he was finally expelled. He also lashed out at his aunt and uncle, and even attempted to set the house on fire, perhaps to burn it down. Clearly, this child has developed a ton of unhealthy behaviors and mindsets, and is reacting to the abuses he suffered. It breaks my heart.

He also is street smart. Growing up the way he did, I’m not surprised. He knew how to lie to the social workers, he knew how to work the system to get what he wanted out of his guardians, to back them into corners.

The clincher came when the aunt’s health started failing, and they felt that they God was leading them to let him go.

Drew is back in the system, properly, and has home-hopped once or twice in the past few months - families who tried to take him in but found that they didn’t know how to properly handle the baggage he came with. Furthermore, while this couple at my church very much wants to keep seeing him, they are forbidden to for two weeks after he has been relocated, so visitations have been broken at best. At the moment, Drew is at a Methodist Boy’s Home, but one of his cousins is working to take him into her home right now.

Please, if you can, pray for Drew. He’s been through so much, and it’s not going to get any better any time soon if he can’t settle someplace and really begin to heal from everything he’s suffered through. All of this is terrible for him and he needs God’s protection, guidance and healing. So please, please pray for Drew.

#personal story #prayer request #important #Very important #please pray

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shorm · 5 years

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I made a Story about this, but honestly I want this to be something I can more easily look back on. This is about the worst parts of mental health, so... Be aware of that while reading. It probably won't be a super long one, though, so I apologize if the way it shows up on your feed doesn't block things you don't want to see/read about! Anyway. Again, for context because IG/FB don't always show things in the right order, let alone show everything, because of The Almighty Algorithm™: this week has been hell on me emotionally, and it's eating me up. There's more details in my last couple posts, but that's the very basic gist of it. I'm losing sleep over the amount of stress and anxiety I've had in the last week, and instead spending my nights mulling everything over and wishing for sleep, which isn't nearly as restful for some reason. (Okay, hopefully that's enough for things to be under a "read more"...) But the last couple hours, I've been trying to focus on the positives that I can see about this: I've grown a lot, as far as being able to deal with strong negative emotions. I'm still not very good at regulating them or moving past them, I'll be honest, but I jokingly said "I want to die" to a friend and it was (I promise) 100% a joke -- a pretty morbid one, obviously, but it's a thing. But honestly even a few years ago, it probably wouldn't have been a joke, at least partially. I spent pretty much the entirety of my teenaged years suicidal to some degree and tried to kill myself a half-dozen times before I finished high school; I'm not exactly a stranger to the feeling, and spending that long in that mindset makes it really easy to slip back into. And I haven't. 🤷‍♂️ I've grown. And other than a complete mental breakdown in 2018 (which is another post/story entirely) I can't think of the last time I was genuinely suicidal. So that's honestly a huge amount of growth for me -- I had thought I would be feeling it regularly for the rest of my life. So even though I'm not exactly doing *well* right now... I'm still kinda proud of myself. (at Windsor, Ontario) https://www.instagram.com/p/B9MM8ZDnaSW/?igshid=1xuow8hm73wx

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patientlywaiting4u · 6 years

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I have a male cousin that I used to be extremely close to. We used to be best friends growing up. However, he’s not someone that I want in my life anymore. We grew up and we’ve both changed over the years. He’s used to be really protective of my sisters and I…he still is…but when it comes to other women…he’s physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. I’ve never in my entire life befriended any female that he’s dated…because I can’t bring myself to smile in their faces and pretend like I don’t know what’s really going on with him and them. I’ve done this for years and in June I finally blocked him and haven’t had any type of communication with him, until I unblocked him today just to tell him off about how he treats the young lady that he is currently dating. She is 4 months pregnant with his baby. She had a major heart surgery before meeting him, so her life and pregnancy is high risk; and with knowing this he still physically, emotional and mentally abuses her and cheats on her.

For as long as I can remember he had been telling me and my family that he will change. He will be better. I’ve always believed him, but I don’t anymore. I’m not the females that are being abused by him, but I feel like myself and everyone else that continues to ignore how he treats women is a part of the problem…like we are the enablers in a way…because we know what’s happening and even though we talk to him about his behavior on a constant basis…talking only does so much. I feel like I owe it to the women that he’s abused to no longer be one of the females in his life that’s basically ignoring their hurt by having him in my life.

One of my older sisters was in an abusive relationship for over 7 years. Two of my closest friends are in abusive relationships right now. They have been in these relationships for the past nine years. They vent to me all the time. I’ve seen one of their faces bloody and bruised when she was 7 months pregnant with her daughter. I have been pleading with the both of them for the past nine years to leave and they have both gone back to their abusers after leaving many times. I look at them and I see the wrong choices that they are making. I advise them. I cry for them. I worry about them constantly. I pray for them. I get mad at them for staying. I don’t talk to or have any type of relationship with their boyfriends. But here in my own family…there’s a man that’s treating women like trash and I laugh with him, sit and joke and talk with him…and in June I decided I won’t do that anymore. I owe it to my friends and to the women that he dates to stand up to him in some way.

I’m not the women that he’s abusing. That doesn’t mean that how he treats other women doesn’t affect how I view him. I’m not being impacted directly…but I still see him as toxic and as someone that I don’t want in my life. It’s OK to cut people off…to have boundaries about what you will allow and not allow from them. One of my boundaries is I have no time nor patience for men that abuse women. I don’t want to be their friend. I don’t want to be someone that they confide in and come to for advice. I don’t want them in my personal space. I’m at a point in my life where I have no room for toxic people…or people that bring any sort of negative energy into my life. People can be toxic…even if they’re not hurting you directly and if you ever feel like their behavior towards other people is draining you…then never be afraid of walking away and ending your relationship with them.

I know it’s not easy for someone to leave an abuser, whether male or female. I know it’s not easy. I wish it was, but reality is that it’s not. My not talking to him and cutting him out of my life won’t change his behavior. He’ll continue to say that he’s sorry and that he will change. He’ll be nice to his girlfriend for a couple days or maybe even weeks this time, but then he’ll go back to being who he has always been…an abuser. She’ll believe that’s he’s changing, because of the nice words and better treatment. Then when he reverts she’ll question herself…blame herself…be mad at herself for going back to him…maybe she’ll leave again…and it’s my prayer that if she does it’ll be her real breaking point…when she doesn’t look back and doesn’t even consider going back.

When someone really loves you they won’t be doing anything to harm your mental, physical and emotional health. They won’t be negatively impacting the meaningful relationships in your life. If they are hurting these parts of your life…I hope you have the courage to walk away. I know some abused women. I know the stories of the abused women that are in my life. I’ve seen them bruised and bleeding…that doesn’t mean that I will ever truly understand what they are feeling or ever really understand why the stay. I don’t have any sort of power over their choices. I can’t give them my mindset…to feel how I feel about their abusers. As much as I want to…I can’t save any of them. The only control that I have is over who I allow or don’t allow into my life…so here’s to realizing that cutting off someone because they are protective of you…but harmful to other people…is not a bad thing…sometimes it’s the only thing that you can do…it won’t leave a mark…it won’t make much of a difference…but it’s still something to show that you care for the well-being of the people that they are hurting.

I had to do this with one of my female best friends as well, for abusing her elderly mother. The only difference is that I have a relationship with her mom and I try to check in on her from time to time. That friendship contributed to why my depression was so bad and cutting this friend off was one of the best things that I’ve ever done for my own mental health. How people can find it in themselves to hurt the people in their lives that they claim to love so much is something that I will never understand.

#domestic violence #physical abuse #mental abuse #emotional abuse #abusive relationship #abusive men #abusive women #stay strong #you deserve better #empathy #never be afraid of walking away #toxic people #negative energy

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just-ornstein · 6 years

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Update on Life

Hey guys, I think an explanation to what has been going on lately might be a good idea for a lot of you. I’ve been rather inactive on a lot of social media and sometimes it might have even felt to some of you people that I ignored you, which is far from what I want. So here are a few things I want to make clear so all of you get a bit of an insight in what has been keeping me busy lately!

Intern has lately been the top priority of my life. I’ve been working a lot, sometimes even overworking to get things done because I want to have some things finished for when the next intern takes over for me. My intern has been very pleased with me and my work and I will continue to do small tasks for them whenever they need a helping hand. Working in the game industry is a dream come true and I couldn’t have asked for anything better, but to get a job in this industry or heck, even an intern, you need to be at the top of your carrier. You need to be hard working, assertive, a good team worker, willing to do extra things and of course be very good at art. They’re fine if you still need to learn things, but they most definitely expect you to be very motivated and have at least basic skills with everything. Keeping up to with the game industry is A LOT of hard work, what you learned today is already old by tomorrow. Besides, I’m keeping in contact with a lot of the artists and writers from really big companies, because connections are very important and can be very useful as well. Sending them my work for feedback and getting plenty of feedback back can be very useful. Especially when the companies genuinely want to see you grow. My intern takes up almost my entire weeks and so does the work that comes with that which is: Connections with other people, sending letters for my second intern, asking for feedback, working on my portfolio, improving my art, long travel hours. And with this all together I’m only left with so much free time to spend, especially since in this 5 months, I only took 1,5 week off for myself. My summer break starts at the end of next week, so from then on out I’ll have more time to focus on some things. I still need to get some work done this and next week and besides that I need to hand in my essay next week as well, so eh, I need to do a lot of stuff for that too.

Due to most of this I’ve been focusing a lot on in real life stuff because it’s just so much more important. I got this wonderful opportunity to make from my hobby my work and I want to work as hard as I can to get there. Right now I have 3 companies who are interested in my in the second school year, next week I have another intake conversation, and as anxious as I am I’m also super excited because this is one of the biggest game companies of the Netherlands. The other two are smaller companies, but also very interesting. And I can’t wait to hear what they have to say so I can make a choice.

Besides that, the last couple of months haven’t been too good when it came to my mental health either. I won’t go to deep on about it because I don’t feel like this is the right place to do such thing but it got to a point where I even took other people in that feeling, not the right people for that matter. I started to talk less to my irl friends, to my partner, my family and I did some things that I deeply regretted. While they should have been the people to hear about that first. Eventually things went wrong, mistakes were made from all sides and everyone got hurt in the process. I felt like a mess for an entire week and things got especially bad, especially since nothing seemed to be going as planned either for a while. But due to this I started to focus on the things that really did matter, I became more active, I started to speak more to the people who are close to me, I started to work even harder than I already did. And as exhausted I am now and as much as I can’t wait for summer break, it was all worth it in the end. I learned some very important lessons and oddly enough... It worked. I don’t ask questions about everything anymore, neither do I take everything as personal anymore. Often I just stare at something, maybe it affects me for a couple of hours and then I move on. A bad taste can continue to remain in my mouth but often it’s fine.

Besides that, as much as I know it’s impossible, my head kept telling me that everyone should like me and due to that I tried to talk to every person that I met all the time. You can imagine how draining this can be, because no one can be friends with everyone. Most of these events made me realize that as well and to a big extend I just stopped caring. In the end we are all just people chatting behind a laptop, we will never get the same intimate friendships one can get with an irl person because we’ll never hear each others voices, see our faces, body language or be able to hug each other. It’s not impossible, and I do deeply care about a few of the people I met online, but those are a handful and most of them I’ve known for a while, long enough so we both understand how we work. I started to be less online where it’s not necessary and started to focus on the people and things that do truly matter, even more than before. And it worked to a great extend.

I don’t like to ignore people when they send me messages, but just know that when you send one and I do not reply for a while, I’m either very busy with focusing on these things or I’m just socially drained and need some time to think of something and sometimes I can’t. But I do always read the messages that I get!

Keeping a negative mindset is very easy compared to a positive mindset and it can be extremely draining to do so. But I noticed in the past few weeks that when you think positive, try positive things and work as hard as possible on improving yourself and sharing that positivity with people, you’ll get a lot more back for it, a lot more satisfaction as well. Those are some very important life lessons that I learned and I’m glad that I did sooner or later, because sometimes you have to get a serious wake up call to be able to do that... And I’m glad that, that happened to me when I was at the deepest point in what felt like an endless pit.

I’ve had an art trade running with @nightmaredaisy and @mamoon26 way longer than I wanted to work on things. But often things and stress just got to my head so I couldn’t really focus on my personal art because I already draw so much for my intern. But soon I’m done with my essay and my intern for this year and then summer break starts and I can finally put all my attention on those long awaited pieces of you two! I’m sorry that it took so long and just know that I didn’t forget about it, just a lot of these things have been going on lately that made it nearly impossible for me to focus. If you want to change the idea for the trade, you can still send me a pm, I don’t mind. If you want me to still do the same idea, I can do that as well! :)

For the people who read this entire text, thank you for listening haha.

#lizzy speaks #long post

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jswdmb1 · 4 years

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Lost?

“Just because I'm hurting

Doesn't mean I'm hurt

Doesn't mean I don't get what I deserved

No better and no worse”

- Coldplay

I have spent a fair amount of time coaching both my son and daughter on their various basketball and baseball teams. Every time that I have coached, I did it for one simple reason, which was that I absolutely love being involved with the sports being played. For me, the number one objective I had for myself was the same I had for the kids I was coaching – to have fun. I always would say to them that if it isn’t fun, then there is no real point in being here, and I really meant that. Of course, there are other goals we were trying to achieve. I always wanted to be a teacher first that would make sure I was a good custodian of the sport being played and that the kids learned the proper way to play the games. I also insisted that we all (coaches and players) exhibit the truest sense of sportsmanship (or sportswomanship) as possible and we respect the other team, the officials, and our own teammates no matter what the situation was on the court or the field. Finally, I always wanted to make sure that the kids learned the value of teamwork and always giving their best effort knowing they did all they could regardless of the results.

One goal we never discussed was the amount of wins we would have that season. There were a couple of reasons that I never brought it up. For starters, if the team did the things that I mentioned in the first paragraph, then talking about the number of wins we were going to have would be redundant. That metric would be determined by the pure talent level of the players, which is not something I or they could control. My only concern was that we gave our best effort, and if that happened the wins that we were going to achieve were already pre-determined. The second reason, which may be the most important, was that in the grand scheme of things the final record we would have that year would be pretty irrelevant. Often during the season, I would have no idea what our record was never mind remember it years later. I can tell you that the only thing the kids remembered was the friends they made on the team. If you polled any of them about a particular season, none of them would be able to tell you what the team’s final record was but I guarantee that they remembered a friend or two that they probably still had.

Now some of you reading this probably think that I am one of those participation trophy coaches who thinks everyone should be in first place at the end of the year. Well, guess again because I am just as competitive as anyone and I cannot stand the mindset that starts early in youth sports that everyone is a winner all the time. The reason why I hate it so much is not because I want to win all of the time, but instead because it avoids teaching kids the painful truth that losing is part of life. If we all get rewarded at the end of the season regardless of effort or results, what does that teach anyone? On top of that, it really doesn’t fool the kids one bit. They figure out very early on what the score is even if you are not keeping it. They understand when they have lost regardless of what kind of medal is handed to them when the game is over. For some kids, it is a tough reality to suffer a painful defeat, but every single one of them is better for it as there is no other way to learn how to win than to take some losses along the way and experience defeat firsthand.

So, what is the point in mentioning any of this? Well, there obviously is a very public case right now of someone losing a match-up fair-and-square and not handling it very well. If he were nine and on one of my teams, I might take him and the rest of the team out for an ice cream after the game to lick their wounds and bolster their morale for the next game. I would do this not out of sympathy but as an opportunity to let the loss sink in for the value it has as a lesson, but to then quickly shake it off and get up and ready for the next day. This is an important thing for kids to learn as 99.99% percent of us experience losses at many levels in life and we need to know how to properly react and move ahead for our own good and those of our teammates. As adults, it may not be teammates in the literal sense, but our teammates in life including our family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and everyone else we share this planet with. Because accepting a loss and learning what we can from it means that we don’t dwell on that loss which allows the wound to fester and become infected. And when that happens, everyone around us can suffer and the act of not letting go becomes one of petty selfishness that none of us have time for.

In this particular case (and if you don’t know who I am talking about, welcome back from your trip to Jupiter), it means more than just making people around you miserable while you sit and sulk. It means all of the work we have done over the past 230 years to build a system of democracy that allows free and fair elections to go on even during a pandemic can be ruined by one spoiled brat (and millions of idiots that believe his lies) who is taking his ball home and not letting anyone play with it. It means that people are going to die unnecessarily while COVID-19 spreads like wildfire as this same man continues to deny its existence (and unbelievably so do those same idiots that follow him even though many are dying themselves). It means that we all are subjected to continued pain and anguish just because one man never developed past the age of nine (in any sense of the word). If just once someone had taught this person how to lose before he entered the highest stakes game any of us have played our entire lives, just maybe we would be staring at a winter of hope instead of one of doom.

Unfortunately for the rest of us, we know losing all to well and none of it has been a game. We have lost jobs. We have lost our mental health. We have lost people we love. There are no more lessons for us to learn and we need some wins. We finally got one a couple of weeks ago and even that is proving to be a source of stress and anxiety that no one needs because of one big sore loser and a bunch of his petty followers. Whether you like his politics or not, it is hard to deny that Joe Biden is a man who knows how to come back from some very painful losses and win a few games. I used to tell people when I coached that the best experience their kids could get out of any sport season is to go .500. Win a few to gain confidence, lose a few to learn humility, and finish strong to put the lessons you learned from both together. If our lives right now are a sports season, we still need a few wins to get back up to .500. Let us have someone come in and coach us who will give it to us straight and teach us how to be resilient and get back on our feet. Fortunately, we get that wish in 65 days whether the other guy is done holding his breath or not. Unfortunately, many people don’t have that kind of time to wait. Here’s hoping that we can get him out of the way sooner than later so the healing of this country can begin both literally and figuratively. As soon as that happens, the ice cream is on me.

Peace,

Jim

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mysticdragon3md3 · 4 years

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reactions to Demon Slayer KNY ep3-6

9:28 PM 8/24/2020 Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba ep3

I have this terrible habit of avoiding good anime, even if I've seen enough clips or episodes to know I enjoy it. Or maybe because of that. I'm always so afraid of how terrible I'll feel, when watching the anime makes me so distracted, that my entire day is unproductive. Adn then there's the emotional investment in great characters and archetypes I know I'll love. That's just too much emotional exhaustion when I'm already dealing with anxiety/depression almost daily. It's why I pretty much abandoned all other genres besides iyashikei and slice of life, for the past 2 decades.

I used to LOOOOOOOOOVE the "demon slayer" subgenre. Devil Hunter Yohko, Phantom Quest Corp, Devil May Cry, Claymore, Bleach, etc. I loved martial arts anime too. Even before I got into online artist communities/spaces, and heard their encouragement philosophies about improving skill and focusing on one's own progression vs comparison to other, etc., I had heard it all already from martial arts anime. And I really needed it. I needed the Fighting Spirit themes of teh "demon slayer" genre too. Back when i was forced into costantly, daily socializing, my anxiety/depression was under so much more pressure. I needed to emmerse myself into those "Fighting Spirit" and "martial arts anime" mentalities to survive. And I'll admit it was addictive. So addictive, that I subconsciously distained my older brother's lamentations about being too tired for all that spiritual Fighting anymore. But now I'm also tired. I'm glad I can understand him now and no longer feel negatively towards someone I care about. But man, I'm just so tired of all this spiritual Fighting required to live. I'm tired of this "being alive" thing, that I'm just not cut-out for. Maybe these days, watching the "demon slayer" and "martial arts anime" genres, just make me tired. I don't have the energy for those Fights anymore, even vicariously.

9:36 PM 8/24/2020 Even right now, I'm getting too distracted. I have to stop watching. ;___; 8:28/23:40

. . .

4:39 AM 8/27/2020 Going to continue Kimetsu no Yaiba ep3.

I'll say it again. I'm too suspicious now, when soem Shonen protagonist advocates "bearing things in silence". Maybe I used to buy into that, that now it's just toxic masculinity to me. I used to be AAAAAALLLLLLLLLL about bearing everything in silence and being all "manly" about it. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm female-presenting, then the people around me, my family, probably wouldn't have constantly chided me to express my feelings more. Meanwhile, my linebacker brothers was avidly collecting romance genre manga, proudly loved cute things, and saying "fuck you" to anyone who would make fun of him for what he liked. So compared to my repression, who was the Stronger "man"? There I was, constantly afraid---afraid of showing my feelings, of anyone seeing me cry, of complaining when I was in physical pain, of "causing trouble" by asking for any help, of even telling my orthodontist that the new mouthpiece was jamming into the roof of my mouth everyday until there was a wire-shaped indentation---I was constantly afraid of sharing my feelings, or even letting anyoen know I liked romance, cute things, and anything emotionally vulnerable. I, with all my repression, was the one constantly afraid and thus Weak. My brother, was the Stronger man for not caring about that "manly" image. Meanwhile, I was sooooooo obsessed with attainting that "manly" image. It was a really stupid Weakness. So please excuse me, but nowadays I'm suspicious of "masculine" stories/protagonists who advocate for emotional repression.

5:13 AM 8/27/2020 Well, Crunchyroll crashed again. Should I go for a 3rd try at finishing ep3? Naw, it's too distracting. But I guess I'm still eating breakfast...I could watch some more.

Well, at least this guy recognizes that Tanjiro is worrying about him. Though, he was likely sarcastic. ~.~; As always, Compassion (and recognizing it as the greatest Strength) is my favorite story theme.

More of this "being a real man talk" is kind of grating on me for some reason. I wonder if I stopped watching as much Shonen anime as I used to, because I've out-grown those "be a real man" themes. I thought I was just leaning more towards the iyashikei genre this decade, because of my depression and anxiety. But maybe I've also recognized all the mental health experts saying that emotional repression is bad. But I still admire many traits that media says is "a real man". I wish I could regain some of the Strength I had back when I was trying so hard to be "manly"...Without the probably-bipolar suicidal depression every couple weeks, of course. Though, if I was suicidal, back when I was spiritally Fighting all the time, while I was ALL-IN on being "manly", it's probaby a sign that that way of life wasn't exactly great either. Time for a new one. Maybe I have moved on from loving the Shonen genre. ...Still love Claymore though. And the "battle anime" subgenre. More of that please.

5:34 AM 8/27/2020 Well, I finally finished ep3, after all this time.

I really wonder why I don't like Demon Slayer more. I should be EAGER to binge this series, have already finished it, and preordered the Nendoroids by now. But I'm just not that compelled. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????????????????????????? I really don't understand it. The protagonist is th earnest Compassionate type that I love. The art style and animation is beautiful. The story is the "demon hunter" and "battle anime" genres that I love. Why aren't I compelled to follow these characters more? What more do I need?

5:54 AM 8/27/2020 Well, I'm watching this series becasue some part of me still recognizes that I still love/need that Fighting Spirit of the Shonen genre. I may not want to return to that toxic masculine mindset that used to exaserbate my deprssion. But I don't want to watch ONLY iyashikei for the rest of my life. I may have outgrown binging nothing but Shonen anime, but the new path I need now should be a combination of the Shonen I use to watch and the iyashikei I watch now. That's why I'm still trying to watch more Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba.

. . .

5:40 PM 9/17/2020 Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba ep4

6:09 PM 9/17/2020 Well, that was good. REally felt something doing the battles. Which is exceptional because I was depressed most of yesterday and started this ep so apathetic. Being apathetic to stakes has been so common with me lately, that I've given up and just watched series with little to no stakes. Depression will do that. And anyway, that conflict-free iyashikei genre was soothing for my depression. But I knew I really needed to watch a Shonen series that could really touch me, get me motivated again. And KNY wasn't really compelling me to watch successive series. But after this episode's fight, I see what everyone had been glowing praise about for this series' sakuga fight scenes.

Anyway, I really liked how Tanjiro didn't run away from the big demon and instead prioritized saving that other examee. I also liked that he got angry for the dead student, still showing compassion for them, even though they were already dead.

Tanjiro's sense of smell and seeing the opening threads, and especially when he sensed the demon's arms coming to attack him from underground, really reminded me of Claymore. lol -----------------------------------------

. . .

6:14 PM 9/17/2020 ep5

I guess that big demon who got trapped by Urokodaki isn't dead yet if he's getting this flashback.

Aw, Tanjiro is showing compassion even to this demon. ;u; You know just the themes I like, KNY! ;u;!!! ...Wait. Am I gonna regret not buying all thos KNY Nendoroids?! ;O;!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Noooooooooooooooo!

His sense of smell is really becoming like an empathic power!

Is their rank getting engravee on their swords? Does that mean each time they change rank, their swords get re-engraved? Maybe rank changes don't happen often.

So are those girls just dolls?

I can't believe we're this far into the series of watching Tanjiro's sense of smell do amazing things, and he still doesn't know how to choose ore. It would be cool if it didn't matter which they chose, because the swordsman would give the sword teh appropriate power.

"Even my uniform is heavy". I know that feel. Then again, maybe it's one of those weighted clothes, like DBZ? lol

FAmily hugs. I guess Tanjiro and Nezuko are Urokodaki's kids now.

"Morphed Demon". That's the phrase.

Recovering by sleeping vs eating humans? Like I always said in college, when you can't eat, sleep; when you can't sleep, eat.

"Child of Brightness".

So are they saying the swords can kill demons because they absorb sunlight as ore?

Yeah, that's about right for 37. lol

I just realized I haven't watched a demon hunting series since Claymore. It's so weird to see a slayer get orders, without all the indifference to the villagers. lol

. . .

5:30 PM 9/19/2020 Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba ep6

Riiiiight...Black blade demon slayers dont' get far? No one knows much about them? We've consumed enough stories to know the characters with "unknown factors" are the ones with infinite potential to evolve and grow enormous power.

Nezuko is super cute, but it's so strange that she used to be a fully functioning person, and now she acts like a childish puppy. It's really tough to be a feminist but also love ingenues and cute regressive characters. x_x;

"Abducted"? Aren't they totally dead? If this story is setting up that the girls were kidnapped...What are the demons doing with them?

An uneven scent? Isn't that normal for intermittent killings happening over several days' time?

Like I've said, it's been a while since I've gotten into a demon hunting series, and the last one I was into was Claymore. But is this another series where they'll set up a character that turns out to be a demon disguised as a human or maybe even doesn't realize they're a demon? I hope Kazumi isn't a demon.

Only one type---No, one individual demon. Kibutsuji Mujan? Mibutsuji Muzan.

Oh, the demon is actually talking to Tanjiro.

Lose flavor? See? They're being eaten, not kidnapped. Though, that Muzan guy is probably kidnapping people.

Is that calmer of the demon trio played by NOBUTOSHI KANNA??????????????????????? *O*!!!!!!!!! <3

The montage merging the thoughs of Kazumi with Tanjiro's was a nice technique to show Tanjiro's sympathy.

Aw, man! The overlap of Nezuko's nostalgic perspecitve onto kazumi and this new girl is really effective! ;o;!!! Don't make me cry, KNY!

Aw, but it's not as effective to know she's protecting humans because Kurokodaki put a hypnosis suggestion on her! It's more heartfelt to know that she herself chooses to hold people dear and protect humans so that they don't suffer the way her and her family did! Then you'd know there's still something going on in her head, even though she's likely not going to speak for the rest of this series (until probably the end or a climax). Is Nezuko just going to be this blank, 2D, vessel for fighting, while distracting us from another underdeveloped female character, by being such a cute mascot that even I've falling for it????

#reactions #md3 watches demon slayer kimetsu no yaiba #md3watches

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creativeprocesses-blog1 · 5 years

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7/12/19 - Exercise: The Morning Pages

Whenever I venture down Glenmore Street, through the luscious nature of blooming flowers and bush that is Wellington’s Botanical Gardens, I am often overwhelmed by the stench of fertilizer. Tonnes of mud-brown pellets lie scattered amongst the nature, ready to absorb into the earth and roots, fertilizing it’s growth, it’s being; ready to create ethereal beauty. Before this happens, all you can smell is shit. Pure, uncensored, shit. The stench infiltrates the air like the pollution in Delhi, wafting up your nostrils whether or not you try your best not to breathe through it. Either way, the stench travels through your mouth into your lungs via the esophagus, the particles settling into the lining of your organs. Does this mean you too will flourish into something beautiful? Or simply rot from the inside out?

Whenever I wake up to the shrill sound of my alarm in the mornings, I jolt with a start and automatically feel annoyed. I lurch forward in the dark, hands frantically trying to find my shouting iPhone in the dark at the bottom of my bed, power surging through it from the charger attached to the wall. I stab the ‘snooze’ button with fury, collapsing back in bed and throwing my phone down next to me like a child who didn’t get their own way. 5:00 a.m. Who on earth sets their alarm for that ungodly hour?! Every morning I ask myself this question, and every morning I lie in bed in a half-asleep doze, awaiting the impending end of my ‘snooze’ time, an angel and devil on either side of me, trying to trick me into rolling and turning over for good. “You’re so tired” the devil whispers. “You deserve a lie in.” “You know that this is imperative to your mental health” replies the angel. “You know why you need to get up and go to a gym class and sweat away the emotions and toxins of yesterday - this is part of your preventative well-being plan. You know you have to. You know what will happen if you don’t”. Usually, the angel wins. Sometimes, though, it doesn’t, and I will always pay the price. Zombified, I will lurch into work with bags the size of half moons resting above my cheek bones, my brain like fog on a cloudy, windy day, mood somewhere in the depths of the ocean. It’s dangerous to let the devil win. He gets cocky if you pay too much attention to him.

Whenever I walk into my relatively new workplace, I feel a kind of churning in my stomach, a kind of impostor syndrome tingling through my veins. Who am I to be working in a government department, holding space for the pain and trauma of people who have been through some of the worst atrocities human beings can inflict upon another? I had a privileged upbringing. I cannot relate to their realities. I can empathize, sure. But I will never truly know what it feels like to be repeatedly raped by my father and have no one in my family believe me - then have the State place my own children with him when I’m considered too incapacitated to care for them; when really, I’ve just never been shown how to care. I will never truly know what it feels like to be in witness protection overseas because an entire gang wants me and my children dead because I told the police just how much they violated me. I will never truly know what it feels like to care for my younger siblings from the age of 7, because my mum is lying on the couch, high on Meth, foam dribbling from her mouth. Maybe I’m not meant to. Maybe I’m meant to hold space for these people, these beings that are simultaneous victims and perpetrators, and understand that it is so incredibly complex; that nothing ever happens in isolation. Maybe I’m meant to realize that often, the blueprint for trauma goes so far back in the family line that there is no beginning. Maybe I’m meant to understand that you can’t teach what you don’t know, and allow them to inflict their pain and anger and hurt on me, because they so desperately need someone to hear them, and actually listen. And maybe, just maybe, that will be enough.

None of the paragraphs necessarily relate to each other, but they all definitely relate to my current state of being on different levels. The first paragraph relates to my recent walk through the gardens to arrive at the cafe where I’m writing this. I noticed the stench right away, and it must have imprinted on my subconscious, as I walk through there everyday and become irrationally annoyed when it smells so awful, as it is one of my favourite places in Wellington. I adore being able to walk through there every day, and the overwhelming aroma somewhat ruins the magical experience of being surrounded by nature.

The second paragraph relates to my current state of being as I have really been struggling to get out of bed in the mornings as I’m so exhausted from everything I’m doing at the moment - but exercise first thing is an imperative part of my mental health plan, and is non-negotiable. At the moment, the devil has won a few times in the past couple of weeks, which triggers mental health episodes. I guess I wanted to express what I experience in the mornings as a way of trying to understand and process what goes through my head, and not allow it to hold power over me anymore.

The third paragraph was definitely the most pertinent in terms of my current state of being. I have really been struggling with my new job in terms of not being able to separate myself from other people’s trauma, and feeling like I’m not helping people as I’m giving them their information after the fact, rather than helping break the cycle before the trauma happens. This exercise really helped me see it in a different way, and I am going to try and approach work in this mindset.

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dudence-blog · 7 years

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Dear Dudence for 30 November 2017

It’s the penultimate day of the week. Friday Eve. Time to start warming up for the weekend. With a glass of wine in hand and a series of questions needing answers it’s on to the fun!

My 5-year-old daughter is the joy of my life. She is smart, funny, kind, and adorable—but she is a terrible singer! I mean, dogs will howl when she sings. But for some reason, she thinks she is a great singer and insists on doing it often and at the top of her lungs, which annoys me to no end.

Dear Breaking a 5-year old’ heart, this is my face as I read your letter: :-I I’m hoping you’re rereading this yourself and realizing you’re the villain in a children’s movie. All that being said, of course your five year old is a terrible singer. She’s 5. They’re terrible at everything. Have you ever seen them run? Ride a bike? Cook? Throw a football? Drive a car? They’re awful at all of them. You know why? Because they’re five. Do not, I repeat DO NOT stop your child from singing just because you think she’s a terrible singer. Teach her time and place for quiet time, and if she’s just too precocious maybe look into a children’s choir (your local church almost certainly has one).

My significant other and I have been together for a couple of years. When we met, I knew that he was in the poly scene, but he said that was not a necessity for him. I was curious about opening up the relationship but wanted us to build our relationship first. At this point, I feel like we have a strong foundation and am curious about opening things up. I have not had great experiences with nonexclusive relationships before and know that I have a strong jealous streak. However, I am also turned on by the idea of my partner being with someone else, although I wouldn’t want us to have full-blown relationships with other people.

Dear Happily considering an open relationship, I’m going to guess that “strong jealous streak” and “open relationship” are not quite mixing nitro and glycerin, but it’s a close enough approximation. That being said if it’s something you’re interested in, bring it up with your partner. Talk, talk some more, then talk some more, and if you’re both still down for it go and start banging other people to your heart’s, or wherever else’s, content. But, let’s go ahead and back up a bit. You mention that you’re turned on by the fantasy of your partner being with someone else. One, not every fantasy is meant to be experienced, nor will they live up to the hype. Two, “I get wet/hard in my nethers thinking about him with someone else” doesn’t necessarily need to be satisfied by both of you needing to seek out half-blown relationships with other people. Maybe just a threesome with a professional satisfies that particular itch? Remember, shop local this holiday season.

My stepmom has always had an odd habit of trying to co-opt my parents’ shared history to minimize my mother’s role. For example, someone will tell a story that happened in the ’80s, when my brother and I were toddlers, and my stepmom will remark on how she remembers or was present at that event, even though this was years before my parents broke up.

Dear Mom who, not to be that guy but how sure are you that something which happened before your parents broke up means it’s impossible your stepmom wasn’t around then? Nevermind. Not to defend an evil stepmother here, but “I don’t want my husband’s ex at family functions involving me, his current wife,” is not the most unreasonable request in the world. It would be great if we lived in a world where, even after divorce, all parties behaved respectfully towards each other. Also, if you were a toddler in the 80s you’re a grown-ass (wo)man now. You might just need to accept that your dad and his wife are just not going to be able to play nice with your mom, and stop trying to make it happen. You might not be being petty, but you’re certainly refusing to acknowledge the actual state of the relationship between your parents and their current spouses.

After my brother’s divorce, he doesn’t speak to his daughters (ages 16, 19, and 23). I have maintained a great relationship with my nieces. I feel that that their relationship with their father has nothing to do with me. I am supportive of all mature behavior, by anyone.

Dear Auntie in the Middle, I’d say keep on keeping on by being someone on their father’s side of the family the can reach out to. If you want to take some extra effort to keep the grandparents and grandchildren connected then arrange a time when the girls will call that the grandparents knoew to expect the call. “Hey mom, Daughter 2 would really just like to speak with you. She’s going to call you Sunday afternoon, please make sure your phone is on.” Also, there is no rule which says people can’t write. “Hey dad, you and Daughter 1 keep missing each other’s calls, could you shoot her an email? She’d really like to hear from y’all.”

My boyfriend’s family is all very abusive to each other, and in turn, it’s all he knows. He is a very sweet and loving person, but if even mildly agitated, he’ll call me names and scream at me that I’m crazy. Today he told me that he was breaking up with me and to get the fuck off his property or he would call the police, after pushing me out and slamming my arm in the door. Turns out, it was his mom’s birthday and I wasn’t invited, and he forgot when he invited me over and said we were going out tonight. He then texted me, acting very sweetly again, saying he just wanted me to leave and didn’t know how to make me leave, that he’s sorry, all that.

Dear Boyfriend’s Abusive Family, you know my expression from the mom who hates her child’s singing voice? Yeah, I’m giving you that face hoping you’ll hear what you’re saying. Your boyfriend is a monster and he’s going to seriously injure you. I get it, he’s from a terrible family and he’s acting the only way he knows how. He’s also going to put you in the hospital one day. The reason he’s a wonderful, caring person when he’s not a rage demon is because if he was such a creature all the time he wouldn’t get you to want to stay with him. Leave. Leave now.

I have been in a relationship with the same person my entire adult life (10 years). We’re all but engaged, and he wants very much to buy a house and settle down into a blissful future. It’s a beautiful dream, but I feel discontent, and there’s a big part of me that desperately wants to run away, drop 70 pounds, and sleep with other people. I want to sleep around and date and do all the things I missed out on, but I can’t bear to lose him.

Dear FOMO or something more serious, you could discover you’re half Amish and want to give rumsphringe a go. Much like Newdie I cannot predict the future. Unlike Newdie though I can give you one of two options how it’s going to go. 1, you’re going to break up with your long term boyfriend who satisfies you in all those dull, mundane ways which long-term partners satisfy each other and you’re going to find out that banging bunches of people you don’t know well and who don’t care that much about you isn’t all you thought it would be, that travel is actually kind of dull; sure it has its moments, but at the end of it you spent a lot of money to go someplace that wasn’t all it looked to be in the movies, and kind of smelled like pee (Hello Paris!), and at the end of it all you’re going to find your ex used the opportunity as well and enjoyed it. 2, you’re going to find that, now freed from your anchor of a boyfriend you shed that weight and it turns out you love banging hot guys and gals in hidden nooks and blind corners in all the places to which you travel. I know which outcome I’m going to bet on.

I have a co-worker who is very polite, fun to be around, and treats me with respect. The problem? My intuition is telling me that her kindness is fake and that I should be careful to trust her. I just have this feeling that I can’t trust her and that she will use our friendship against me. I have no evidence to back this mindset up, but it’s always in the back of my mind when I’m around her. How do I get past this?

Dear Deviance in my head, you don’t get past it. It’s work, not play group. You don’t trust them. Be professional, but they’re not your friend and you don’t need them to be to do your fucking job.

I am a middle-aged woman. The past year has been stressful: My husband retired due to disability. I gave up a part-time job to travel with him, but we ended up staying home. Our 20-year-old daughter had a mental health crisis, left college, and moved back home. We are in very good financial shape. We get along OK, although I find myself mediating arguments between the two of them.

Dear Rehab, several aspects of your life were unexpectedly turned on their head, and not for the better. Honestly, I felt like refreshing my drink just reading it. Being aware that you’re upping your alcohol intake and that you’re likely doing it in response to some stresses in your life is a good start. Instead of running off to find a program to control your suspected alcoholism, maybe you should first just try not drinking as much. Have your beer with dinner, and then stop. If that doesn’t work you might want to look into getting some help, but I’m having a hard time thinking you’re an alcoholic when you haven’t actually shown you’re not in control of your relationship with alcohol.

One of my good friends from high school recently came out to me as gay. We were part of a tight friend group—all cis men who graduated from high school about 10 years ago. He and I have remained friends, and since he came out to me, he has mentioned having boyfriends and dating men since at least early college, meaning he was in the closet (or at least not out to me) for a while now.

Dear Did I keep my friend in the closet, I have an acquaintance who files letters like your under the header “Dear World, how can I show the world how woke I am?”. You are being selfish, overthinking this, and are definitely trying to insert yourself into your friend’s relationship with his own sexualtiy. Also, it’s likely you and your other friends talking about masturbation and discussing porn with him made him gay because that is totally how that works. You should tell him that.

I love my boyfriend, “Stan,” and I see a future together. My only problem is how enmeshed his life is with his ex, “Sara.” Sara is gay and came out after she divorced Stan. They have a son together. Sara and her partner have three kids together. Stan got remarried but lost his wife to cancer. His stepdaughter is still in her final year of high school so she lives with him. Stan and his family go over to Sara’s all the time for dinner. Stan is the Little League coach for one of their kids and takes the other two camping and hiking. His son is in college, but Stan refers to Sara’s kids as his all the time! His stepdaughter calls them her “aunts” and “cousins.”

Dear Separate Lives, your boyfriend didn’t lose his wife to cancer, she died from it. Back to the letter. It’s good you feel like an ogre for resenting the positive and fulfilling relationship your boyfriend has with his son, his son’s half-siblings, and the daughter of his dead wife, because “ogrish” is one of the words I thought of while when I saw how this letter was going to go. The way you start this conversation would be to discuss how you view your future together. Maybe, just maybe, Stan doesn’t see the same future you do. The dude does have bad luck with wives afterall. Maybe he is looking forward to downsizing and letting the kids live their own lives when they’re older. You won’t know unless you ask. There’s nothing in your discussion with Stan that is guaranteed to start a fight. I mean, unless you go into it demanding he boot out his stepdaughter (she’s not his real daughter away) and get those disgusting lesbos away from y’all. If you do that then, yeah, it’s going to be a fight.

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checkyesifulikeme · 5 years

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okay wow so much has gone on over the past couple of days i’m still reeling in shock but it’s almost a blissful state of shock if that’s even possible LOL. first things first i’m feeling very anxious abt getting a new job, i’ve been unemployed for a little over a month now and my guilt is picking at my brain and heartstrings like those little fish that eat the dead skin off of the bottoms of ppl’s feet.

SO i’m definitely going to Saddle Up and apply to whatever coffee spots are hiring, although i know my chances of being hired will be much greater by the END of next month (graduation = university students quitting their jobs&going back home) but i can’t wait that long because i feel like the universe is fixing me with a judgmental glare. i haven’t taken time off of working since high school really so maybe i’m just a bit of a workaholic despite Hating mindless labor idk i feel guilty/useless very easily ok !!!!!! but it’s not as bleak as it sounds. i’ve actually had an amazing month being unemployed (my bday month!) and i’ve finally started my journey on bettering my mental health which is something i’ve continuously put on the back-burner my entire life. so this was long overdue. i believe the prozac has actually been helping a ton (it’s the same anti-depressant my mom is on N we’re very very very similar in our mental health so makes Cents). i’m still looking for a therapist and i’m on a waiting list for a second opinion from a different psychiatrist in my city (there r unfortunately very few psych doctors where i live) because the one i originally went to diagnosed me in a kind of alarming manner??? i questioned it immediately but everyone told me to just trust him but fr he diagnosed me based off of 1 appointment and my answers on a sheet of paper, not even bothering to ask me about any of my symptoms in depth at ALL and immediately prescribing 3 different medications idk i was super weirded out but at least i got a good anti-depressant out of it lmfao (i’m not taking the other 2, both of which are anti-psychotics that left me brain dead).

aside from the mental health stuff i’ve been feeling extremely elated and joyous about life lately. i’ve gotten back into reading (read an entire book in 3 days and i’ve gotten a little over halfway through the goldfinch which i began reading like 2 or more years ago by now lolll) which i’ve been meaning to do for years and years. i finished my first sewing project! gotten a lot better w/ maintaining a clean space, watering my plants on a schedule/much more efficiently than before (i don’t have to haul them all into the tub every time they need to be watered) and i’ve been a lot more in tune with my emotions and needs as well as the needs of those i love. one of the worst parts of my mental health is the chafing irritability i feel for no good reason and the erratic ebb and flow of my feelings but since being put on prozac i’ve felt like i have a healthier grasp of things which makes my heart burst with joy because much of my life i’ve spent living in a perpetually ‘muddled’ state. it’s nice.

on top of all this, last night by ex best friend texted me a longggg apology/explanation of why he disappeared from my life about ~4 months ago and it made me cry. he’s flying back from london and will be back on monday so i’m probably going to meet up w him and my sister sometime next week! i almost felt this coming but didn’t at all at the same time lol idk how to explain. i was extremely hurt losing him as well as my other ‘best friend’ at the time but since then i’d sort of deaded those emotions and pushed forward and i’ve actually been doing really well for myself even if it can be lonely at times. i still had my online friends who i cherish so so so dearly, my boyfriend and my family and have been focusing on just Me and my inner workings and habits and how i can be better to myself and those around me, more involved more present more vocal about my love for them. more open to sharing myself. sharing myself has always been one of my biggest road blocks because i am so debilitated by fear (of rejection of judgement of being fully Seen). but i’m trying to move past this. i really am. i think i can overcome this fear by utilizing the even stronger force inside of me that craves connection, craves being seen but even moreso seeing others too and allowing them to know that they are loved and heard and cared for and i am here to help. although me and this friend’s relationship has been literally all over the damn place i truly believe from the bottom of my heart that he is a loving person. he has been damaged but we all have. idk. forgiveness is beautiful to me and i just feel so deeply that re-connecting will only make our friendship that much stronger. with so many of my ex friends i do not feel this way. re-kindling does not feel needed or entirely possible, really. but i have met very few ppl so in tune with my mindset, we’re very very different and have lived through VERY different circumstances but our inner workings resonate, if that makes sense. and he brought that up in our conversation last night and it just brings tears to my eyes. he said something along the lines of “i just don’t want to lose a genuine connection with another person especially in a fucked up world like this because they truly are so rare.” and i agree. i connect w so many people in different ways, i think all of us do or have the capacity to at least, but that deep understanding and history and mutual growth and love is rare, i think. i don’t feel like i can fully explain it here and now but idk i’m just super emotional over this because like i said i had previously deaded the possibility of reconnection in my mind, largely because i no longer knew how my (previously) best friends saw me anymore or had potentially even seen me to begin with. but him reaching out allowed me to understand a little bit more and i am certainly not beyond forgiveness because GOD KNOWS i have not been a perfect person. none of us have. my boyfriend is apprehensive but i know it’s just out of his protectiveness over me and he’d never hinder my autonomy to chose where i go from here. and i understand. he’s the one who had to stay up with me countless nights while i cried and lost my mind and blew up his phone with texts about how worthless and angry i felt and beat myself up time and time again so believe me i understand. it’s going to be a process but i just know forgiveness is absolutely the right choice. part of this journey for me is listening to my heart and she wants to forgive. see and be seen. hear and be heard. love is all that matters to me at the end of the day and i am not going to deny it.

#THIS IS INCREDIBLY LONG LOOOL #i can never keep my thoughts concise and to the point ok the aries+pisces energy in my chart is too overwhelming for that sorry girls #m

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