cetoddle-archive · 1 year ago
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okay. no longer high off my ass from anesthesia but i am very tired
#they gave me a bunch of pain killers#just took some so hopefully they help#man#i do not remember that surgery at all#i remember the dr putting the iv in and saying okay you’re gonna feel really good in about ten seconds and i was like 10 seconds ??#and he said you’ll see wink. and then i remember thinking oh wow this does work that fast. and the nurse was saying something to me#and then i remember her helping me into the car#i do NOT remember the procedure at all holy shit#i think i mostly just cried the whole way home. not even about anything in particular i was just crying#and i could not get out of the car and my f*ther had to carry me up the front steps 💀#i literally couldn’t do it#and i sat in bed and then my mom took over#and before i got settled in i had to pee so she had to help me but i insisted i could do it myself#immediately wiped out and fell on the floor#so she had to help me 💀#and i couldn’t sit up on my own it was a real chaos show#then she went to pick up my meds and i kinda just stared at the wall for a while#which was about when the anesthesia started to wear off#im okay now#annoyed with all the blood in my mouth and super tired#but i feel okay#the dr and the nurses were so sweet it rlly made me feel better#they asked me what i was scared of for the procedure so i was honest and said i was scared i’d throw up and asphyxiate and die#and they were just like oh okay D: most people are scared of all the bleeding afterwards ..#and the dr was rlly excited when he put the iv in cause i have good veins#he said ��oh thank you for bringing me this’#i’ve never had an iv before it didn’t rlly hurt ! idk how i’m gonna get this medical tape off now but !#so everyone was right it really wasn’t that bad at all#once i’ve got all this bleeding under control it’s mostly just pain management and keeping my wounds cleaned#i’m so proud of myself i did my very first surgery!! and i was so brave !!
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syncrovoid-presents · 1 year ago
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YOU CAN HIT A TAG LIMIT??? My ramblings in the tags have been conquered and squashed by the 30 tag limit. How silly!
#syncrovoid.txt#delete later#maybe??#ANYWAYS if i continue the story it wouldn't make much sense so i will wrap it up by saying#sleep deprivation isnt actually rhat bad and you really have to work to get bad symptoms#anyways on a totally unrelated note i have to take 2 to 4 times the amount of pain killers or sedatives for the to start impacting me#when my wisdom teeth were removed (rude! they are mine haha!) i was given 3 sedatives and full legal dose laughing gas and i was like.#just there. in the room chilling. they did local anesthetics and i remember that whole thing moreso than the average day!#even though the sedatives were supposedly supposed to make you forget or hazy?#anyways near the end of the surgery my dad is walking in the hallway and opens the door but before he fully came in i was like#“hey dad!!” and waved. but when you are supposed to lay still with your mouth held open by tools and filled with blood you are NOT#supposed to sit up and welcome people in. and because my face was covered it was by the sound of his shoes?#i dont reember that bit as much but my dad told me it after and when i went for the follow up the dentist said he'd never been#jumpscared in such a situation by someone who should've been conked out#after the surgery i got up and the dentist gave me my teeth in a small bag (i kept it as a test to see if my memory would get messed up#since how often does that happen?) and i just walked away. freaked out a bunch of people though and my parents lol#anyways it is a joke for some people i know that i am simply Built Different. i think i am just too silly to contain by mortal rules <-#i joke in a very silly way!! i am soso sleep deprived right now#dhould i be saying any of this? is my typing making sense? my fingers are numb and my brain feels three shades ourple from forest deep teal#time to sleowly pass out and time travel! farewell all ye who read this! i hope ye have wondrous days ahead of you and a lovely life!!!#@:P
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strqyr · 2 years ago
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those two minutes of flashbacks gave me So Much to mull over and i don't think i'll ever be over it. i'm thriving with the strq lore crumbs.
the absolute love summer has for her daughters and husband, how you can feel it from her every action. the way she's leaving behind something of hers just in case, the pain and hesitation on her face when she has to face tai and lie to him, the final (for now) laugh they share... there's just so much warmth to summer, it's unreal.
and then it's all gone when she goes to meet raven; she's in a mission mode, she's not there to chit-chat, there's no friendly banter from her, she's got a job to do and she wants it done so she can return back home.
"i'll be back soon," she says to tai. her final words to him. "i know," tai says back, his answer resolute, leaving no doubt behind that he truly believes summer will be back. then, some 15 years forward, and you have yang talking about her arm that she lost, how she lost a part of herself: "a piece of me is gone. and it's never coming back." "you're right. it's not coming back." you have ruby sending a prerecorded message via amity, her admittance how they might not make it in atlas, and if that happens the rest of the world can't give up, because bringing everyone together is how they'll win—
and the message gets cut short, and all tai can say is "no! come back!" in the darkness of his living room.
can you believe how much weight there is behind those words? in a simple "come back"? this is an emotional gut punch ten times over and i swear if tai is not in vacuo to see his daughters come back i'm going to riot.
"and, uh... what about... you're just going to leave them?" "you're one to talk." "it's— you're better at that life. better than i was."
it's what, raven? not the same? not that simple? there's something about... how raven doesn't see her own departure as the same thing as what summer is currently doing. that there's a difference—one that summer does not know about—between their reasons, and my mind keeps going back to 1. that raven has most likely already met salem at least once at this point, 2. salem's method to ensure raven's cooperation is to threaten the survival of her people, and 3. "what does she have on you?", a question that did not fit lionheart's situation, so chances are it fits raven's.
also she gave that life a shot but unfortunately she was raised to be a killer by a bunch of bandits but she still wanted that life and i'm—
i'm putting these idiots into a blender. they cause me immeasurable emotional pain.
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doe-eyed-fool · 2 months ago
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Prey | Chapter Fifteen
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Alastor x Fem!Reader
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You were sat on the loveseat in the living room, eyes glued to your hands that rested on your lap, refusing to look anywhere near Alastor. Who was currently standing by the window, wiping his hands clean of any blood with a damp rag. Neither of you said a word since you entered the house. You had nothing to say to him. 
Well, no, actually you had plenty you wanted to say. To scream at him, more like. But the shock of what you just witnessed, hasn't fully worn off. And needless to say, you were more than just a little upset with Alastor. 
But that didn't stop him from talking to you. 
"Are you afraid of me, dearest?" 
You said nothing, still not taking your eyes off of your hands. 
Alastor set the rag down on a near by coffee table before taking a few steps your way. He stopped just before you, and you could get a glance at his shoes from where you were looking. Alastor didn't miss the way you tensed once he approached you. 
It gave him such an unpleasant feeling, seeing you like this. The way you looked at him, as if he were a monster. And he was. He knew that. He knew just how many people he's hurt, he's murdered in cold blood. But you were never going to be one of them. 
Alastor would have never put you in the place of those lesser men. You were a gift from heaven, a diamond in the rough, an angel amongst the scum. Why would he ever harm you? Why would he ever snuff out your light?
He wouldn't. And he needed you to know that.
"I'm sure you have a lot on your mind." Alastor spoke gently. "A lot of questions, no doubt." 
Still not looking at him, you finally speak. "You didn't answer my question from earlier. How long have you been doing this? How many people..." The words died on your lips, that same disgusted feeling creeping it's way back into you. 
You inhale and shut your eyes tight. "How many people did you kill?" It was painful just to ask such a question, to Alastor of all people. You thought you knew him, better than most people did. Turns out this entire time, you had fallen in love with a killer. 
"A while." Alastor answered. "And...a lot."
And he was doing it all behind your back.
"My father was the very first." That nearly made you look up from your lap, but you somehow managed to keep still. "Drowned him in the bayou. That night I made up the lie that he had run off with some harlot, and that he wouldn't be coming back. It broke my mama's heart but...she was better off without a man like that in her life." 
Your hands bunched up the fabric of your nightgown. "You've been doing this...for that long?" You mutter. Alastor's father left town well over ten years ago. Alastor had been murdering people without you knowing for all those years...
"Well, it's not like I have a tremendous head count." Alastor chuckled weakly. "No, after I killed my father, I thought I would never do it again after that. And I didn't, for almost a year I'd say. But, during that time those cravings started to drive me to the brink. And once I finally did it again...my mind finally settled." 
"When mama died...There was a break. A few years, I'd say. As you know, I didn't feel like doing much of anything." Alastor muttered. "I'm still grateful you somehow pulled me back, got me back on my feet. And still after, I thought it had stopped. But...as you can see, it hadn't."
"But Y/n...it didn't stop at murder, if we are being entirely truthful."
You didn't want to hear anymore of this. It was bad enough that the man you love was a murderer. What else could be worse? You didn't want to know, you weren't sure if you could take much more of this.
"As of recent, I've started to grow a taste for...the flesh of my victims. I was certain I had lost my mind all together after finding this out. After I tried it, and liked it, I was sure there was no sanity left in me. And maybe there isn't. I have no intentions on stopping."
Finally, you looked up at him. You felt sick. You were furious, you felt betrayed. The same lips that touched your own, were the very same that were stained with the blood of his countless victims. You brought a hand to your head, a choked sob left you. 
"Why?" 
It was all you could say, all you could think. And all Alastor could say was,
"Why not?"
Alastor kneeled down before you, taking your free hand with his. You didn't have any will to pull away. "I'll ask again...Are you afraid of me?" There was a hint of desperation in his voice. 
"Are you going to kill me too?" You ask sorrowfully. 
Alastor raised your hand to his lips, and for the first time, you felt disgust. "Never." Alastor mumbled against your palm. "I love you, Y/n."
You fell silent again, though your lack of reciprocation did not upset Alastor in the slightest. He understood. But he also feared what this will bring. You could not leave him, he really will go insane if you do. 
"I've always kept you safe, have I not? This changes nothing. I will continue to keep you safe, even from me. Though, that will never be a concern for either of us." Alastor cupped your face gently. "My love, my light. No harm will ever befall you, as long as I am here." He's done it plenty of times before, he can do it again.
"Just please...stay with me. I need you here with me. You're all I have..." 
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Was it guilt? Was that the reason you chose to do what you did? You could never look past the foul crimes Alastor has committed. You would never see him the same way ever again. You wanted to scream, you wanted to run as far away from him as possible. You did not want to continue being in a relationship with a cannibalistic serial killer.
And yet, you stayed. And because of that, you began to wonder just who had no sanity left. Alastor not only murdered people, but consumed their remains. And you did nothing. You never spoke a word of it to anyone after that night. You stayed with him. 
Alastor was a monster in every sense of the word. And yet. All you could think about was the Alastor you thought you knew. The one who cared for you, stuck with you through thick and thin, who loved you. 
You wanted him back. You wanted that Alastor back. Because he was not Alastor. He wasn't the man you fell for, he isn't the man you once knew. But then again, you never truly knew Alastor. 
You made one thing very clear before you made your decision. If Alastor really wanted to continue his...activities. You made him swear you'd never know when he was doing it. You didn't want to know about it, you didn't want to hear about it, you didn't want to see it. 
Just like when he'd go on his hunting trips. 
Alastor agreed to your terms, and for almost a month after that night, you never saw even a glimpse of what you saw then. Though, and maybe it was just your paranoia, you swore you could still smell that horrible stench, coming from up under the floorboards... 
Mimzy was quick to notice the slight change in your behavior. She knew Alastor almost as long as you have, she could tell when someone was faking a smile. She would always catch you crying after shows, in your dressing room. And she tried her best to offer some help, but if you did not tell her what was wrong, and you didn't, she couldn't do much of anything.
Needless to say, your relation ship with Alastor became more strained. You barely spoke to him, you didn't meet his eyes, you hardly ever let him touch you anymore. You even began sleeping back in the old guest room. 
And while it hurt Alastor, he could not be upset with anyone but himself. Deep down he always sort of knew, you'd find out. But he had hoped you'd only find out after he was gone. But that was a selfish wish. To die, only leaving his carnage behind for you to discover. Leaving you alone to deal with that, and alone with the tainted memory of who he once was. 
But was it any better to have you know while he was still here? You were miserable anyway. At least if he were dead, you would not have to wake up to see him everyday, a constant reminder of the lies he's told you for so many years. 
A constant reminder that you had fallen for a monster. A demon wearing human skin. 
Your cries were not hidden from his ears either. He'd walk past your room, to hear your sobs, and it broke his heart all over again. 
Alastor stepped into the bathroom and stared at his reflection in the mirror. He stared for what felt like hours, and the longer he looked, the longer his own face became more and more disgusting to look at. 
While he gained most of his mother's genes, sometimes if he looked hard enough, he could see some resemblance of his father. 
'You're better than he is.' He thought, brows furrowing. 'You hurt the woman you love, not with your hands or your words, no. But you've caused her more pain than any fist or insult could ever.' Alastor's hands tightened at the edge of the sink, so hard that he thought he might crack it.
'If you were half the decent man you pretend to be, you would let her go.' 
But he would not. He knew it was wrong, but Alastor could not bring himself to set you free. If you go, you might as well rip his heart out and take it with you. Not that he didn't deserve it. You truly were an angel. 
Staying for someone like him, simply because he begged you to. 
Suddenly, he heard footsteps walking past his bedroom door. He stepped out of the bathroom and briskly walked to the door and opened it. He watched as you start to descend the stairs. "Y/n?" Alastor asked, walking to the top of the stairs. "Are you going somewhere?"
You stopped half way down and look up at him with an icy glare, but underneath that hard stare, Alastor could see just how tired you looked Sleep wasn't easy for you anymore. "I am. Is that ok?" 
"It is." Alastor nods. "When will you be back?" 
"Later tonight. Mimzy wanted to see me for a while, she knows I'm... not feeling well." You say, turning back to look ahead. "It won't do any good, whatever she has planned to take my mind off things. And it's not exactly like I can tell her what's bothering me."
"Y/n..." 
You walk to the bottom of the stairs and head for the door. You didn't even say goodbye before stepping outside and shutting the door behind you, Alastor watching wordlessly as you go.
'You make her miserable. Completely and utterly miserable.'
"Shut up...I know that." Alastor put a hand to his head, he could already feel another headache  coming along. 
'Then why continue to keep her here?'
Alastor did not say a word, the headache already settling in. 
'You are selfish. I bet you rather kill her yourself, just to keep her from walking out on you.'
"Shut. Your. Mouth." Alastor said lowly. 
'But doesn't that sound nice? She'd be tied to you forever that way...especially if you...made her a part of you. Keep with you always...and her flesh would taste so divine-"
"Enough!" Alastor's fist met the wall harshly, he could feel blood forming on his knuckles from the impact. "Just shut your mouth, for five fucking seconds!" He panted, his head throbbing. 
It's not like Alastor has never thought of it. Once...maybe twice, did the thought ever cross his mind. Your skin, as flawless as it is, made Alastor's mind wonder to how beautiful was everything hidden underneath. Did the rest of your body taste as decadent as your lips when they graced his own?
But he swore he would never act on those thoughts, and damn it all, he meant it. He would keep you safe from whatever threatened to harm you. 
Even his own darkest desires...
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Tags-
@martinys-world
@sirens-and-moonflowers
@catticora
@millie-the-goth
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silverskye13 · 3 months ago
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uh. is it a bad idea to sleep with a wrist brace (or future knee/ankle braces i get) or is it fine as long as it's loose enough
(i currently have bloodwork in and i possibly have arthritis or smth along those lines, very very bad muscle and joint pain, daily in legs and occasionally in wrists, but it started with only wrists)(aka why i have wrist braces but nothing else)
tbh im just sending this to you because. i think you mentioned joint pain stuff. but if not you can ignore.
(Oh also im gonna try to get a cane if i can but we'll see. other achey tips,, very appreciated? im taking the supplements i should and everything, exercising, but unfortunately nothing's been getting better and ive been dealing with it since 15/16)
Oh jeez! I'm sorry that's something you're dealing with anon. Joint pain gets really intense. Unfortunately I can't help much. Most of my personal issues stem from tendonitis and carpel tunnel, which while they give similar pains, give them for different reasons than arthritis. Mine is stress from repetitive motions, yours [possibly?] isn't.
So! Blanket disclaimer here that I'm not a doctor and I never saw a physical therapist. Below are my personal anecdotes. If you've already seen a doc or physical therapist about your arthritis, I recommend asking them specifically about sleeping with a wrist/knee/leg brace before taking my advice.
I've personally slept with a wrist brace when my pain was at it's worst -- especially when I still needed to draw during the day, so keeping the brace on while working wasn't helpful. I toss and turn and contort a lot in my sleep, so the brace helped keep my wrist stable, and gave me some compression while my muscles were learning how to relax again.
I saw some relief after I've tried it, but if it's something you're experimenting with, I would do it cautiously. I've read online that some people don't think it's beneficial [mostly because, if the brace is too tight or you experience swelling at night, it can cut off blood flow and become painful or, in extreme cases, might damage nerves. This is, obviously, not a problem I've had. But given arthritis specifically involves swelling and inflammation, it's a caution you might want to keep in mind.]
If you're in the experimental stage, and it's an option you would like to try, I would start with your brace loose? When I tried it the first time with my wrist brace, I made sure I could still wiggle my wrist around pretty good [normally I kept it tight enough during the day that it was difficult to bend my wrist when it was on.] Just having the brace made me want to lay more still. I also experimented with sleeping on my side with a pillow under my elbow, so it stayed at a 90° angle, and my arm stayed more or less perfectly horizontal. It was difficult to sleep like that, but it helped me keep my arm in a position that didn't induce the same repetitive stress. If you want to check out this YouTube video here, the last option she goes through with all the pillows is what I used the most.
Otherwise, most of my pain regulation involves taking hot showers, doing regular [hourly, half hourly] stretches. Things like that. Because my pain is mostly tendonitis, generally speaking, rest and stretches does most of my help. Also taking specifically anti-inflammatory pain killers, like ibuprofen, because the stress pain comes from inflammation. Hot and cold compresses, sitting with the painful limbs elevated. I'm sure all things you've heard before, but they're worth recommending again just in case.
It's also worth mentioning this stuff isn't an overnight cure. When my tendonitis was at it's worst, starting the sleeping with a brace / propped up on a bunch of pillows / stretches / etc helped in a matter of 5-10 days, and if I stopped at any point during that time, the flare ups would resume. I remember getting really pissed when I [finally] figured out playing video games strained the same muscles, so the reason all my "resting" didn't help sometimes was because I was too dumb to actually rest. Now when I draw for a few days in a row and my shoulder starts burning, I stop what I'm doing and find a good TV show to disassociate to for the rest of the week.
I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. It sounds like your pain is worse than mine was, and I know mine made me miserable. I am wishing you so much luck with your coming tests! I hope they find the root cause of all this, and some more specialized folks can get involved to help you find relief. Stay safe anon.
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thebellearchives · 2 years ago
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𝐒𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐒
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~ Millions Knives ; Trigun Stampede
✧˚ · . S Y N O P S I S : the first time Million Knives lays eyes on you he isn’t amused… not until you open your eyes.
‧₊˚ c o n t e n t s : knives x killer!reader, fem!reader, angst, implied trauma, mentions of blood, murder and drugs, honestly very dramatic
‧₊˚ a / n : reader is just as fucked in the head as knives, this was inspired by Skins by The Haunting because it’s just SO Knives coded i swear, anyways don’t mind me i’m just living my best “i’ll burn the world with you” life ~ i might write a second part ???
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Knives’ icy blue eyes stared through the glass at your figure lying in the metal table at the other side. You were asleep, and you looked just like any other human to him. Squinting, he tried to figure out exactly what made you so important for the scientist next to him, but he couldn’t quite put a finger on it at plain sight.
“What is it”
“We caught this one by pure luck, she used to be a murderer, so we thought it would be worth the shot. Extraordinarily, she presented great resistance to the drug. Her body didn’t present any physical changes after the administration, but her physical resistance and healing capabilities reached levels similar to Double Fang. After testing her she did fall in a type of permanent slumber to recover her energy but-”
“Get to the point” Knives almost rolled his eyes.
“Right, yes, I thought you’d wanna talk to her-”
“Why would I wanna do that” the blond’s patience was starting to run out.
“She’s… interesting. I think you should see it for yourself” Knives slightly frowned and stared at the doctor with a hint of confusion mixed with curiosity.
He decided to not make any more comments as he followed the old man into the other room. William opened the door with a syringe on his hand, half filled with a clear liquid. The blond stood still next to William as he watched him inject the liquid in your neck, and then sat down in a metal chair when he left. It didn’t take you long to wake up, your eyes flung open as if an adrenaline rush had hit your bloodstream. Your dilated pupils darted towards him, and Knives’ attention was immediately caught. The aspect of your eyes and the way your stare stabbed through him gave off an aura of deranged compulsion. Interesting indeed.
“You must be Knives” your voice rang clear throughout the blinding white room.
“Yes” you slowly sit up, his eyes followed.
You didn’t know what you expected the man to look like, but you didn’t think you’d have him staring at you as if you were the most eye-catching experiment at the science fair. You straightened your back, taking note of how the muscles in your body didn’t feel like you had been knocked out for a while at all.
“What have you heard about me?” a slight frown appeared on his face, you noticed how his stare had gone from wonder to scrutiny.
“Not much. Just that you want everyone dead” you tinted your words with a slight mocking sarcasm.
“What are your thoughts on that?” his voice invited you to elaborate.
“I’m into it” shrugging, your eyes wandered through the room, not sure of what you were looking for.
“I want all humans gone. You understand that?” Knives spoke with a bit more authority than before, your stare went back to meet his “You’re human too.”
“Not anymore.” you smiled, eyes flickering to the metal table next to him, where strange liquids and a bunch of metal objects stained with blood remained untouched in loud silence.
His calm breathing was interrupted by a pause. He licked his lower lip, sight turning away from the table, trying to weigh in your words and calculate a response.
“What do you want?”
“The scientist said you’d shelter me as long as I did your dirty work. I can do that.”
He frowned again, this time in suspicion.
“That’s not what you want.”
You squinted your eyes. You had been through a lot of shit in the past few days inside of the white walls that held you now. Needles, drugs, pains, screams. But nothing compared to the years you had gone through outside, where people could be infinitely ruthless. You simply adapted, and yet you had been put a price on your head for defending yourself. So what did they want you to do? Do nothing as they left you for death? As they did everything they wanted to you and inflicted their pain pretending you were a punching bag? You were doing them a favour by getting rid of a couple individuals, really. Spilling blood in the streets joyously. Nothing like the feeling of revenge coursing through your body. Nothing like succumbing to nature, to the feeling of justice, hurt, blood running down your hands, debauchery. There were still so many things you wanted to feel.
“I want to kill them. You’ll let me take part in it, won’t you?” you leaned in towards him slowly, the way his iced eyes stared at yours felt like he had read everything he needed in them.
An almost undetectable smirk tugged from the corners of his lips.
“Sure.” he simply stood up and left the room.
You remained still for a couple of seconds, before jumping off to the floor. The cold that met your feet felt nice, and you tiptoed to the door, leaning with your back against the wall next to it. You heard William and Knives whispering to each other.
“I want eyes on her all day and night.”
“Sure thing, i’ll make sure to have someone to stay vigilant.”
“No” Knives paused for a second “send her to the piano room, I want to have her on sight myself.”
You smiled.
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gloomzombie · 6 months ago
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I'll Bury You For This
Pairings: Jeff the Killer X Male Reader
Warnings: Mentions of blood
Word Count: 4,244
Chapter 6: Don't Ask, Don't Tell
Ch. 1, Ch. 2, Ch. 3, Ch. 4, Ch. 5
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August 21. 3:05pm.
It gets to the point where my burning lungs won’t let me go any further. I slow down and stop, gasping for more and more air. My eyes are still watering- no Y/N, you’re still crying. It doesn’t help at all with trying to catch my breath. It sounds like I’m hyperventilating. 
I breathe heavily as I look around, trying so desperately to take in my surroundings. But, with the state I’m in, I could’ve been here a thousand times before and still wouldn't be able to figure out where I am. It’s as if my vision has gotten ten times worse; I can’t make out anything, no shapes of houses or other buildings, not even the shapes of what I’m sure are trees. 
I push forward and find it so difficult to walk, I trip after a few seconds. My face hits what I expected to be concrete, but instead leaves. So. Many. Leaves. When did I get back in the forest? I jolt back up, grabbing at the dirt underneath me. I look around and it’s not all blurry anymore. 
All around me are trees, tall and thin, but some are thicker. I get up and turn around to find the only building out here it seems. An abandoned house? I seem to find my footing and walk up to where the front door used to be. I hesitate. What am I even doing? It’s as if something is luring me to this place, but I don’t know what. 
Snap. I spin on my feet quickly, my eyes flitting around at the trees, only to find nothing. I don’t trust that for a second. I guess I’m going inside then. My shoes step on broken glass and twigs as I walk inside the small place. It doesn’t really look like a house, more like a shack. It doesn’t have a bathroom or even any bedrooms. All it has is a bunch of broken and worn down furniture and..is that a gun? 
I shake my head, bend down at the knees, and examine it closer. Well, it definitely is a gun. I wonder if it’s loaded. Wait, Y/N, you should be wondering why it’s even here or, more importantly, who it belongs to. I stand up straight. Where the hell am I? And who left this here? Crack. I swiftly turn my head, and, this time, catch a glimpse of a dark figure. “Who the hell are you?” I ask. My voice comes out less shaky than I expected. Not only does my throat burn from all the running and heavy breathing, but I’m also scared shitless.
“Who are you and where the fuck did you take me?” I speak louder this time, but no answer. I followed in the direction I saw the figure sneak from, and step out of the building. Whoever it was, it seems like I gave them enough time to leave. Dammit. Suddenly, the hair on my arms stood on end. I cross them together, but that doesn’t help. There’s an ear-splitting sound that fills my ears and, helplessly, I gaze around everywhere for the source but all there is are trees. Wait, was the building gone? That question gets thrown out of my head as the sound gets worse.
“Fuck!” I groan out in pain as it gets louder, and I clutch my ears. What the fuck is going on? Where am I? Why am I here? What is that sound? I try so hard to keep standing, but that becomes impossible. My knees buckle and I drop to the ground. “Ugh!” I can feel the tears stinging at my eyes as the sound gets even louder. I blink rapidly, not wanting to shut them. In the short time that I manage that, I make out a figure standing across from me in the small clearing. But it doesn’t look right. Too tall, far too thin. Am I seeing this correctly or am I going nuts? 
My heart beats so loud in my ears, loud enough to be heard just above the sound. All of this crashing sound leaves a ringing in my ears. My head is spinning, my vision is spotting. I’m fainting. I don’t want this to happen. Everything goes quiet, and that’s the second I know it’s happening. My head drops into the grass just as the tall figure gets closer.
?:??
My head is pounding when I wake up. I groan, but that makes it worse. It’s so bad I can feel it in my teeth. I open my eyes only to see grass. Am I still in the forest? I sit up slowly, and wince. I feel so sore. My ears are ringing slightly. I bring my hand up to my wet nose, and wipe whatever it is off. I look down at my hand and notice it’s blood on my fingers. Well, that’s a nice thought. My nose was bleeding, which is confusing because it never bleeds. I sigh and ignore the headache, gazing around to get a hint at where I am. 
I guess I’m not in the forest anymore, but just outside of it. There’s trees at the edge of the grass I’ve been laying on, but only there. It’s darker out now; the sun’s gone. How long was I out for? “Enough for me to be starving” I think as my stomach makes all kinds of noises. What time is it? My phone! I was out for so long, someone could’ve robbed me. I feel around my pockets and let out a sigh of relief as I find my phone and wallet in the back one. I take it out, and try to turn it on. “You've gotta be kidding..” It’s dead. Of course it is.
I groan, put the phone back in my pocket, and stand up. My legs feel like they’re on fire. How long did I run for today? I walk away from the forest. I don’t want to go back there. As I walk, I try to make out anything that could tell me exactly where I am. I stop squinting as I come across a picnic table. Is that..? Am I in the park from earlier? I get closer to it and as I do, I smell the strong scent of Xander’s cologne lingering at the bench. Xander. The memories from today come flooding back and I feel so sick about it. Why did I break his nose? For literally coming out to me? I groan into my hands. I feel like such an ass. 
But I also feel so fucking exhausted. Too exhausted to get caught up in shit from earlier. I huff and walk out of the park. I wish I could call someone to come pick me up because I sure as hell don’t feel like walking all the way home. I walk to the nearest gas station, and go inside. The air conditioning feels so heavenly against my sticky skin. I desperately need to shower when I get home. “Welcome,” I turn my head to the front. I nod to the sleepy cashier and turn to the aisles. 
I look through the rows of snacks and pick out a bag of cookies. I go to the back and take a bottle of water, then head back to the front. I place the stuff on the counter and the cashier lazily scans them. “Did you find everything okay?” He asks. “Yeah..hey, could you tell me what time it is?” I ask. He stares at me for a second, then takes his phone out. “7:48.” I nod, making sure my face doesn’t reflect my shock. I was knocked out for almost 5 hours?
“11.57.” I hand him the cash and tell him to keep the change. He seems pretty thankful he had one less thing to do. I open the water bottle as soon as I leave, chugging down about half of it. It soothes my throat a bit, so I feel safe to eat a little. I sit down on the concrete, open the bag of cookies, and eat a few. Now that I’ve relaxed a little, I can think about stuff. Mostly about how I have no clue what happened before I passed out. I remember eating, then punching Xander and running away. Then I was in the woods for some reason. I try to remember, but come up with nothing. My headache gets worse when I try and think about it too much, so I give up.
I finish my cookies and throw away the bag in the dumpster by the store. I sigh. How the hell am I supposed to get home? I ignore all the pain in my legs and chest as I make the walk back home. It’s a good thing I’ve been to this park enough to know the way home. It’s so hard to make myself put one foot in front of the other, but I manage it. I’m definitely skipping dinner; I’m way too tired to deal with that.
?:??
It takes at least an hour and a half to get back home, though I can’t be entirely sure since my phone is fucking dead. I huffed and picked up the pace a little as I finally made it to my street. As I’m walking, I feel that weird sense that I’m being watched. I keep walking, then quickly turn my head to look behind me. My heart sinks. This dude is entirely covered in..is that blood? It stains his white hoodie so easily. He’s got long, messy hair that drips blood on the pavement like water after a shower. I take in his build, his hair, and especially his face.
I couldn’t get a good enough look at it, as he almost immediately pounces on me. The wind is knocked out of my chest when my back hits the concrete, and I gasp. He leans over me, his face so close to mine. I can feel myself start to shake as I stare at him wide-eyed. The scariest thing about him isn’t even the jagged scars that carve into the skin of his cheeks, or all the blood that he’s absolutely drenched in. No, the scariest thing about him is the way he stares unblinkingly into my eyes. My breath catches as I feel the blade of what I assume is a knife against my throat. I didn’t even realize he was carrying one.
I breathe slow and shallow breaths, so terrified that I don’t dare try to do anything more. I just stare into his eyes. What’s taking him so long? If he’s going to kill me like he clearly has others, why hasn’t he done it yet? As I stare into those soulless eyes, I notice how blue they are. Ice blue. As soon as I think about the connection, he suddenly jerks up and off of me. I pick myself up as fast as I can, but he’s gone when I’m finally on my feet.
I ignore my burning lungs and sprint the rest of the way back home. My hands are shaking so bad as I unlock the door, quickly getting inside and locking it behind me. I breathe heavily as I make my way to the bathroom, ignoring John trying to get my attention. I shut the door behind me, lock it, and turn the light on. I stare at the boy in the mirror. Jesus fucking christ, I do look crazy.
My neck is bleeding, but it’s not terrible. I guess the knife sunk in a little; just the thought makes me shiver. My hair is all gross. What happened to it? I think back to just a minute ago..how his hair draped across my face…Oh no. Please don’t tell me. The tears continue to drip down my face slowly as I move my hands into my hair. My breathing turns ragged as soon as I feel it. It takes all of me to pull my hands back out. They shake as I will my eyes to look. I must sound hysterical as I breathe so harshly. Blood. There’s blood in my hair. But that’s not the worst part. I felt chunks. I don’t think as I strip my clothes off as fast as I can and turn the water on in the tub. I switch the damn thing to the showerhead and take off the last of my clothes. 
I jump in and scrub my hair furiously. The blood turns the water red, and the chunks of it take a lot of water to finally slip down the drain. I’m crying again, but I can’t really tell much because of the water from the showerhead. My face feels so numb, and I almost forget about the cut on my neck. My neck. Once the water runs clean again, I press my fingers lightly against it. I wince as I feel across the line. It’s not deep, so I don't have to worry about a bandage or anything. 
I take a washcloth and scrub my skin raw; then I do the same with my hair, shampooing it twice. I only stop the water and get out once I feel like I’m about to faint. I take a towel from under the sink and dry my hair, making sure I get the roots. Once I’m done with that, I wrap the towel around me and open the door, then speed walk to my room. “Hey!” John tries to stop me, but I close the door on him, locking it immediately. “Go away!” I scream. There’s silence behind the door, then I hear his footsteps as he walks away. 
I take the towel off and put some comfy clothes on. I groan and flop down on my bed. What the hell just happened? Today doesn’t feel real. At all. The more I think about it, the more it doesn’t make sense- but does at the same time? When he jumped off of me is when I thought about Jeff. I mean, I don’t know what his whole face looks like; but the hair, those eyes, his build..Is that why he acts like such an ass? I shake my head. No, it can’t be true; it can’t be him…but is it?
I breathe in and out slowly, trying to calm down my racing heartbeat, and run my fingers through my clean hair. As I think it over, it becomes increasingly obvious that it would make sense if it was him. Is that why he ran? Did he recognize me? I sigh and rest my hands on my face. If it was him and he did recognize me, maybe he wouldn't bother me anymore. Stop that Y/N, there's plenty of people with the same eye color as Jeff.
“Ugh!” I groan. My brain won’t ever shut up when I fucking want it to. I turn on my side and press the power button on my phone, wait for it to turn on, then go through all my notifications. Oh. I have a bunch of missed calls and messages from Xander, a few messages from John and Gage, and a missed call from Lily. Wow, I must be getting popular or some shit. I bite my lip and press on the notifications from Xander before I get the chance to decide against it. 
August 21. 3:21pm.
Xander: Y/N pls pls just talk to me
Xander: I didnt mean to overstep
Xander: I didnt know u even liked me like that, im sry
4:46pm.
Xander: Y/N pls
Xander: Y/NNNN
Xander: Im sorry for kissing u without permission
Xander: That was my fault, Im so sorry
Xander: Pls just talk to me
5:57pm.
Xander: Im sorry. Pls dont be mad at me. Ill give u space
I sigh, dropping to lay on my back again. I feel bad for punching him and running away. Why did I do that? That was such an asshole thing to do and so not like me. It could be that I’ve had so much social interaction this whole week, first school, then the fucking bar, Gage’s house, and then seeing Xander. Or maybe it was all the confusing “feelings” I’ve been having for Gage. I’m still not entirely sure how exactly I feel about him, but that’s what dating is for, right? I’m new to dating, of course, so I’m not entirely sure. 
I lay there, thinking about it for a good while. It would be easy to fall for Xander again, but is that really what I want? Gage is good for me. There’s always the chance that Xander could fall back into his old habits, and if I were with him, I could too. I think of the pros and cons, who is better for me. So far, the only pros with Xander would be that I already loved him once, and that’d make it easier to get over him because, well, I wouldn’t have to anymore. But, I’ve already started things with Gage and finally started feeling better about Xander. Well, now I’m gonna feel like shit about him all over again. 
I groan. I wish he never told me he liked me, or I never got drunk enough to have the confidence to kiss Gage. I’ve never had this problem before. I’ve never had “options” until now. That feels like such a weird thing to say, but what else is there to say about it? When I got with guys, they didn’t really like me, they just liked what I could do for them; so it was easy for me to not think much about who I slept with, because it was just that, not anything close to love.  I like Gage, but I loved Xander. This is all so confusing. I sit up and stretch. I pick up my phone again, and decide to go with the hardest choice; see what happens with Gage and tell Xander I need space.
August 27. 3:34pm.
“Do you think this one looks good?” Gage asks as he does a little twirl, showing off the skirt he’s trying on. I smile. “It looks adorable on you. I’m not really a skirt guy, but it suits you.” He faces me and covers his cheeks with the ends of his sweater sleeves. “Thanks, Y/N.” I push off the wall and walk up to him. I kiss his forehead and wrap my hands around his wrists. I pull his hands away from his face, and kiss his lips. He giggles before pushing me away. “Y/N, you know I can’t kiss you until the snake bites heal.” 
I smile widely. “I know, but I can’t help myself when you look so cute,” I pepper small kisses all over his face and he whines in protest. It’s been a week since I decided to try things out with him. It’s also been a week since I last spoke to Xander. He’s coming to school again, but we don’t talk. He’s given me the space I ask for, and I’m glad. It makes me feel better about my decision, and better about him. I still find myself feeling bad, but it was either him or Gage; either way someone’s feelings would be hurt. I have a reason to deny Xander, but I don’t have any real reason to deny Gage. 
Since last week, I’ve also made more of an effort to talk to Jeff. He’s not as terrible once you actually get him to keep talking to you- but that’s the problem; he talks to me for a maximum of 10 minutes straight, then tells me to fuck off, walks away, or just ignores me. I’ve found out a bit more about him now. He’s 19, he lives by himself, and apparently he’s bisexual. When I found that out, it was mostly a joke question. “Do you like anyone here?” I had asked, and I didn’t really mean it as a romantic question, more like if he actually had friends; but looking back at it, it really didn’t sound like that at all. He just blinked at me- he’s finally dropped that offended look, well mostly. “No. None of these bitches are worth my time. The dudes here aren’t either.” It caught me off guard at the time, because people don’t usually drop their sexuality that casually. But I guess it does match his character.
And now I’m shopping with Gage, at Hot Topic of all places. I haven’t been in months and he’s never been at all. It didn’t surprise me much, because he doesn’t really look like he would shop here. But, when I brought the idea up, he seemed excited about going. “I’ve seen so much cool stuff from there, and I mean, I do want to try out a new style,” He responded with a cute smile. I couldn’t resist it. The thought of seeing him in clothes that were more my style made me feel good. It was like seeing him in my own clothes. Well, minus the skirts. We’ve been on a few dates before this one, including getting piercings together. I suggested snake bites for him because I thought they’d look good on him (they do), and he said I should get a septum to match his; I wanted to get one for forever anyways.
“Think I should get it?” he asks, leaning his head against me. “Yeah, but I think you should get one of their knit sweaters to go with it.” I pull away. “The ones with the holes in it?” he asked, his face going all pink. I smirk. “Yeah, one of those.” We go back to the front, and he starts going through the rack of sweaters and jackets. “Is this the one you were talking about?” He asks, and his face is still all pink. “Yeah, wouldn’t it look awesome on you?” I hold the cropped sweater up against his chest, and I imagine him in it. He would look great in it. His face grows redder. “My whole chest would be out,” He whispers, averting his gaze. 
I laugh. “Yeah, that’s the point. But, you could wear something underneath it. Orrr,” I lean in and whisper in his ear. “You could wear it just for me.” I pull away and smile as he shudders. “W-well. I guess you’re right.” He takes the sweater from me and carries it to the counter with the skirt. 
5:23pm.
After the mall, we went to get something to eat. On the way back home, my phone starts going off in my lap. Gage glances at me for a second before his eyes go back to the road. I ignore every message and call, before I just turn the phone off. I stare out the window, listening to the London After Midnight playing through the speakers. “Are you not going to answer that?” I hear Gage ask. “No, I don’t plan on it.” I sigh. I don’t want him to ask about John, really. “Who is that? You always get a bunch of messages that you just..ignore.” I chew on my lip. Do I tell him? I guess I could now, he was gonna have to know sometime. “My dad,” I responded. I can hear my heartbeat thump thump in my ears. Why do I feel so nervous about this?
“Oh.” He says blankly. As I bite down on my lip, the metallic taste of blood meets my tongue. He’s silent for a few minutes. What is he thinking right now? God, he probably thinks I just hate my dad for no reason. I continue to chew on my lip despite the fact it’s burning. “Why do you ignore him?” I fold my hands and start kneading them together. I don’t like talking about this. “Uhm. That’s really personal, Gage,” I murmur. Why does he want to know so bad?
I turn to look at him. He’s gripping the steering wheel tightly, as if he’s upset. He’s got an expression on his face that I’ve never seen on him before. His jaw tight, his eyebrows furrowed, his lips pressed into a thin line. Is he mad at me?  “Whatever,” He responds coolly. I look away. Why is he so upset? Did I do something wrong?
“What are you doing, Y/N? Why don’t you want me going inside?” I squint my eyes, and stand in front of the door so he won’t try anything. “Like I said, that’s really personal, Gage.” He stares at me, and I stare back. What the hell is he thinking? He strides towards me, but I shove him away; it’s easy to, because he’s shorter than me. “Y/N. Answer my question. What are you doing in there that you don’t want me to see?” I look at him defensively. “What the fuck is up with you? I’m not doing anything. What do you think I’m doing?” I ask, walking up to him. He glares at me. “Whatever Y/N, don’t answer me. But there’s something off about this.” He turns to walk away, but at that moment, the door swings open.
When we get to my house, I get out and shut the door like I usually do. I started letting him drop me off on Tuesday. He had agreed to not get out of the car when I asked him not to, albeit acting very weird about it. But now, when I start walking up to the door, I hear his footsteps trailing behind me. My brows furrow and I turn on my heels. “What are you doing?” I ask. He stands there with his arms folded in front of him. He still looks mad.
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nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx · 8 months ago
Text
I was bored
I was lying in bed trying to read, I didn't particularly enjoy reading in English but Annabeth and Percy had been helping me and I didn't want that to go to waste. Then Annabeth walked in through the half open door, holding a pair of scissors.
"Finally someone to put me out of my misery." I mutter putting the book down,
"Nope, but I will be bringing that up to your therapist. I think it's time for a haircut Nico." She said smiling like a maniac,
"Oh fuck no." I say running past her and out the front door. My hair was in a braid down my back; I ran as fast as I could but I knew Annabeth was faster than me. I saw her chasing me, I could probably shadow travel away but when her minds set to something it's very hard to get her to give up. I honestly didn't care too much but why not add a bit of excitement into this. "Why the fuck are you doing this?"
"I'm bored."
"Go find someone else to annoy."
"Don't think I will Neeks." I flipped her off and continued running, she grabbed my wrist. I shadow traveled to the edge of the forest and ran towards the center, I was hoping to throw her off but she spotted me pretty quickly and ran after me. I should have been able to stay away with the lead I had but the shadow travel tired me out and Annie's fast. I was about to shadow travel away again, "You do realise if you pass out you can do whatever I want right?"
"Fuck you."
"Save that for Will." I blushed hard before shadow traveling back to my cabin, I knew I wouldn't be able to run properly after that, but I got away for a bit. "You aren't getting away that easy, Angel boy." She said walking through the door, I was honestly too tired to do anything.
"Fine, you win. But please don't fuck up too badly."
"You have such little faith in me, I'm offended."
"We both know that that is very reasonable."
"Shut up di Angelo." She quite literally pulled me into a chair and started brushing out my hair. "When's the last time you even cut it?"
"Like a month ago I think? Will cuts the ends, it terrifys him so it's always entertaining as fuck."
"You're a terrible person Nico." Annabeth laughed
"I am fully aware; what are you doing to my hair anyways?"
"I think it's time for a change."
"Oh no.... PLEASE don't dye my hair, I am never doing that shit again."
"Don't worry... but you are getting an undercut." I paused for a couple of seconds,
"Now you see the concept, I have no problem with but the thought of you doing that...."
"Oh shut up I can actually be accurate."
"Fine, I trust you." Annabeth sectioned my hair into two parts plaiting them separately, one around the bottom and edges, one on top.
"You ready?"
"I really don't care, honestly I just wanted to make this hard for you."
"Of course you did." The daughter of Athena said while cutting off the bottom braid before buzzing the now short hair, she threw the braid in front of me. "Well that was a lot of hair."
"No shit." I laughed before hitting Annabeth lightly in the shoulder, she started taking out the rest of my hair that was in a braid and brushing it out again.
"What do you think Will's gonna say?"
"He's not going to give a fuck let's be honest with ourselves."
"You seem so certain on that."
"He didn't care when I got twenty tattoo in one day, I mean he was concerned and gave me a bunch of pain killers and kept me in the infirmary for a day but that's unrelated. I doubt he's going to give two fucks about a haircut."
"I am not going to ask why you got twenty tattoos in one day." Annabeth started cutting the rest of my wavy, thick, black hair to just around my shoulders, layering it before adding some bangs, that were long enough for me to put behind my ears. "So thoughts?"
"I'd love to give them but there isn't a mirror here."
"That's irrelevant, I want to see Will's reaction."
"That's the whole reason you did this wasn't it?"
"Naaa, I was just really fucking bored." I laughed as I ran my fingers through my hair, it was so much shorter than I had, had it in years but was kind of nice. Honestly I also really wanted to see what Will would say, I didn't think he'd be judgemental or anything. But the thoughts always had to cross my mind, all the 'what ifs?' I push them out of my mind and tell Annabeth to wait for a minute so I can wash and properly do my hair. It took about a quarter of the time it used to but still that moment of time made me think of every possible reaction for Will to have, I decided to leave my hair out as we walk to the Apollo cabin. I knocked of the door and unsurprisingly Will answered it, he saw me and kind of froze, a bit shocked.
"So what do you think?" I muttered, Will pulled me closer to him and sunk into a kiss, he tasted like strawberries. He ran his fingers through my hair; he was warm always, smelling like rubbing alcohol mixed with roses and a sweet scent I could never really place. I wrapped my arms around his neck standing on my tiptoes to reach him, grabbing the ends of Will's short, curly, blonde hair. As we broke the kiss he leaned down and whispered,
"You look amazing my Angel." I blushed and that is when we realised Annabeth was recording the whole thing and was running off to cabin one to show Jason.
------------
Not a helpless chapter (sorry about that, the next chapters long and I haven't had time to write)
Pls give advice cuz I don't think the plot makes sense.
I don't know if I really like this ficlet, I started it in the middle of writing the Ariel chapter because I hated writing it so much I needed something to write that wasn't helpless.
I don't really like it but I feel like might as well post it.
I have a Angel Dust ficlet that I wrote a few weeks ago so comment if u want to see it
You will be getting Harry Potter, specifically marauders shit soon because I have far too many wolfstar ideas that I want to write that I haven't.
If you read my Wattpad stuff I promise I'll try to update Not All Hero's Have Happy Endings and if anyone wants (don't know who's reading it at this point cuz I've barely started) Mischief Managed, I was actually very excited when I started it but I think the style might change a lot cuz I started that like two years ago.
If you have any fandoms u want fics for I will try to write some, just comment.
The mystery in my mind is taking over, maybe the time is up. I will always be there with you, I promise I'll always be there.
Love,
-Siri
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lovefrombegonia · 2 months ago
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A Jinx of my mind and an Ekko of my soul
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This is going to be a long post about how one Jinx and one Ekko from the Netflix's Arcane made me feel, and basically gave me an existential crisis for a couple of days. This isn't an in-depth analysis, let me warn you. This is much more personal, this is deep in emotions...this is projection of another level. This is my excercise of self-discovery through fiction. It's an introspective excercise I love doing...and sometimes, when the writing is omega-level great...it shows me my darkest fears, and my greatest dreams.
THESE ARE ALL PERSONAL OPINIONS. Fair warning. Also, Spoiler Alerts.
Those who are familiar with my blog, knows that, typically, I would have deeply, deeply fallen in love with a character like Jinx. That's what happens with me and my problematic blorbos. Mad and psychotic killers with great character design is almost always a win-win for me. This is what I thought too, initially, as I started Arcane's first episode. She was a little girl who was physically not strong but was a mad genius who could make deadly bombs out of scraps. An engineer of chaos! And someone with family issues...boi oh boi, I was ready, willing and able to fall for her... But then gradually something unexpected started to happen. I started...disliking her. And you know, that should have started after she killed a bunch of people indiscriminately, right? But no...I think it started much earlier. I think it started with a break down that hit too close to home. It started when Powder was crying and screaming out of desperation and pain when she thought of herself as useless. Someone who couldn't even help save her sister and her friends. Her adoptive father. During that scene, I didn't hate Power. No...let me not be a coward with my feelings here. This is me, raw, vile, and naked. I did hate Powder during that scene. I hated her because that scene hit too close to home. I hated her because how many times, it was me who would cry hysterical, alone in my room, cursing myself, my incompetence, my weakness, I can't even count. It really speaks to the brilliance of Arcane's cast and crew that it just sparked those memories of my despair so cleanly. Then she tries to help her sister and gang with monkey bomb, and it turns out to just make things from bad to worse. The rational side of me sees this and understands that she could not have any idea that things would turn out like this. She was just a child and even an adult could have made those same mistakes. But the emotional side of me watched in horror and hopelessness as her decisions made with intentions to help her family, in the end hurt them so badly and irreversibly. This, too, hit too close to home. Reminding me of when my own decisions had hurt my family in the long run. The guilt and trauma of my failure never went away. Even if my family doesn't blame me, I blame myself. And then...things just went downhill with the rest of the episodes. Visually, Jinx is one of the coolest characters on the show. Her fighting style, her gadgetry, even her mania is shown with so much style and brilliance, it just scratches the aesthetic itch of mine perfectly. Technically, the character writing is fucking superb imo. None of her moments are wasted. Every drop of her tears and every smile, every gesture counts. None of it is wasted. Emotionally, I felt like I was watching a nightmare version of me on-screen. Everything that happened to her is what I fear happening to me. The psychosis. The break-downs. Choosing to follow the wrong person. Choosing validation over people who love me. It's why all her triumphs and victories felt so hollow. Even her most brilliant moment, when she unleashed the missile over the council...felt incredibly painful to me. In my eyes, this was the moment of Jinx's destruction. When Silco called her "perfect", it should have felt like finally getting the validation she needed but instead it felt like getting a stamp of approval to be self-destructive.
Let me be clear: I AM NOT SAYING THIS IS WHAT THE SHOW IS TRYING TO SAY. THIS POST IS ALL ABOUT HOW I FELT THROUGH JINX AS A CHARACTER. I don't want her stans to think that I am slandering her moments of victory and character arc. When I was watching Arcane, Jinx's journey didn't feel like her growing from Powder to Jinx FOR ME, even though I know that's what the writing is about. It felt like Jinx was showing how I could devolve because of my own manic thoughts, insecurities, painful memories and just my fucking depressing af mind that feels like it's trying to eat me away. I cannot express how similar it looked when I saw Jinx losing her mind in isolation. Cooking up scenarios that didn't happen. Or degrading all the memories of the past while catastrophizing. Her shooting the girl who looked like Vi. Her, being petrified by Vi abandoning her. Her, being as a birder by Silco or being abandoned/betrayed by him. Even though, I am an adult now, and I get why people that I love might walk away from me, the fear of it all still eats me from inside. I am afraid. I am despairing. It feels like I can't move on. What scares me even more is one day, meeting a Silco who might or might not genuinely love me but also validates my wish to just destroy everything and everyone around me. To watch the world burn. Because, yes, the thought of letting it all go, and fuck things up feel "cool" and "liberating" and "awesome" but the truth is...the ugly, painful truth is...even then. EVEN FUCKING THEN. INSIDE. I would still me the same miserable lonely fuck... Except this time, I would because the scared miserable lonely fuck who hurts others. It's a nightmare cycle. Jinx is that nightmare cycle. Jinx...Powder...this charming, exhilarating, dynamic character. She is truly an enigma of her own, isn't she. I love her because I can empathize with her suffering and choices. I hate her because I fear that I might end up like her. Jinx is my mirror that I want to look away from but I can't.
This experience of mine with a character is not unique to Jinx. What differs, is the INTENSITY of it all. She stays in my mind. I watch video analysis of her character but I couldn't bring myself to write much about her. It feels too close. Too... familiar. I have talked about the mirror but what about the echo of my conscience? Somehow still keeping me from turning downright mean and unkind?
A very special episode happened in the second half of Arcane. An episode called "Boy Savior". It started with one of the coolest music video intros I have ever seen. I think most of us, who aren't familiar with LoL lore, could still guess this was the return of the little boy, Ekko. He was bound to return, and he was going to be involved with the Fireflies. It wasn't the focus of the episodes but it was clear from a few scenes that, like Jinx, Ekko was also great with gadgetry. His little periscope and audio system he made? So smart and cute, might I add. What I wasn't expecting, is to strangely...be envious of this character. It's natural to admire someone like him. Who, even being in the worst situations, rose as a hero and inspiration for his people. To help the ones left behind in the grand scheme of main characters. But I was already become very attached to him. Not in a blorbos kind of way. Another third secret thing LOL OK, but seriously, I was starting to feel even protective of this character. And no, it isn't just because Ekko has the cool character design, and cool hover board thingie, or even the coolest animation style in the series...those helped! But weren't the key reason. It started with the final fight between Ekko and Jinx. It was highly stylized and paired with great bgm. The animation was popping off!! Damn! Did they deliver with this part of episode. Amidst of all that, my mind all of a sudden went: 'I will never forgive Jinx if she kills Ekko.' After I finished the episode, and was done with the rest of my daily routine, I wondered why I felt so strongly for him. Mind you, I didn't feel the same way when she came close to killing any of the other main characters. Not even Vi, even though, being an eldest sibling myself, I should have felt more kinship with her. But no...it was Ekko. But why? Why him? Why even feel envious of this character who got so much burden on his young shoulders, and he is not even a main character?! It all CLICKED right into place after I watched this video analysis of his character. I understood my envy and my protectiveness for him. It's because Ekko is the kind of character I want to be. This person who can help my family and loved ones in the present. Someone who uses whatever resources they have and the courage, skills and endurance they have to push forward, to bring to the ones they care about. This person who acknowledges their painful past but won't let that stop from becoming someone kind and brave. Someone who works through their loss and shortcomings to bring a brighter light home. He is not a perfect person. He isn't physically strong like Vi or has agency like Jayce or has the strongest morality like Caitlyn but he is still ENOUGH. He still helps in a way that truly matters, his existence matters. He is the strong, sturdy, life-giving tree in the midst of undercity's thick, suffocating atmosphere. He is...Ekko is just...simply beautiful. Just BEAUTIFUL and immaculate in a way no other character in Arcane season 1 is. He is a side character with much lesser screen time but he leaves me with such a deep impression. To me, Ekko is the character that reminds me of the echo of my own conscience soul, pushing me to be a better person than I was yesterday. He is the dream version of myself. And this is why it was hurting me to think of Jinx killing Ekko. Because my emotional side was interpreting it as my nightmare version killing the dream version of myself. My sub-conscious made the connection between Powder/Jinx and Ekko before I even realised.
I cannot praise the writers of Arcane enough to bring out such strong emotions in me. To invoke something so raw and visceral in me. To make me look into myself, to realise my fears and hopes. Almost all the characters in Arcane season 1 are amazing, nuanced, thought-provoking, and simply brilliant. And even among all these diamonds, Jinx and Ekko are so bright to stand out so uniquely... Ah...such beauty in fiction is rare. Be it hate or love. Fear or envy. I cherish them both very dearly.
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threshie · 5 months ago
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Bye-Bye Bras
It took decades, but I have finally officially decided to ditch bras for good. It sounds like a little thing, but it's SO freeing to be this comfortable while out and about, instead of shoving myself into the sensory discomfort that is a bra every time I step out of the house. I think it took discovering the autism to give myself permission to just not care if somebody may see the outline of nipples.
I don't really have anywhere else to ramble about this to the world, so my Tumblr gets to hear about it instead, LOL. I would literally make myself put a bra on if I set foot out of the house, even just to check the mail, and realized it had become part of masking. So far the only people who have seemed to care are a bunch of little old ladies giving me side-eye while grocery shopping, and I'm gonna prioritize my day to day comfort, not their two minutes of perceiving me ever.
Anyway, wheee, I've given myself permission to go braless and kicked the idea that that is inappropriate to the curb. I'm so comfy in my clothes while outside now that it feels like I'm still in my pajamas. Cripes.
I tried wearing double layers at first with a tank top as an undershirt. Overheated really bad, though. Then I got the guts to go out in only the tank top, and you know, the world did not end. Just this morning I realized, hey, my entire wardrobe is allowed to be worn braless, actually! I suppose the next big step will be shopping for clothes sans bra and buying things that look nice on me without a bra there at all, then not caring if I show up in photos with no bra, etc, etc.
I think I've got more sensory issues than I previously thought. When I tried to force myself to get back to wearing a bra daily, I just couldn't stand it. So this sounds silly, and like a small thing, but it's a big deal for me to allow myself to be this comfortable and be seen without the stupid bra, which I literally only wore as part of masking.
I'm lucky to have a small chest and find bra-free so comfy. I don't need support, and I don't need nipple covering, so I don't need the bra at all. Whoohoo!
I've been struggling with this for years, by the way. I tried wearing only yoga bras (made me sweat.) I tried sports bras (gave me killer neck and shoulder pain.) I tried stick-on nipple covers (looked worse under the shirt than the shape of my actual nipples.) Finally, I realized that I didn't want or need any of that stuff, I was just trying to accommodate my desire to not wear a bra at all in a way that was acceptable to others. And wearing no bra IS acceptable, actually. ♥
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discountdemonwarehouse · 13 days ago
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Kinktober 2024 - Softober - Scary Movies
It's short today, I'm feeling under the weather and not super inspired today.
BUT! You get Gabe and Vinnie trying to watch ghost hunting shows while suffering period cramps, interrupted by Terzo and Secondo who are critiquing things.
AO3 Link
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Keep reading below the cut! No smut today
        Everyone was having a pain day. Val was having a flare up in his bad leg, and Vinnie and Gabe were both dealing with bad period cramps. They had invited him to watch movies, but Val had declined, wanting nothing more than to stretch out in bed. “You should try the hot tub at the gym,” Vinnie told him. He grunted, shaking his head. “I don’t think so.” “I know you don’t like people, so if you’re awake anyways, go down at like 1:30a.m. Avoid the after-supper crowd though.” Val gave her a distasteful look. “Hey, just an idea. It’s in-ground, with steps, so you should be able to get in and out okay. Copia would probably happily go with you.” He sighed, wanting the conversation to stop. “Fine. I’ll think about it.” “Do you want me to send Swiss over with some special brownies?” Gabe offered. “No! Just–” He paused, collecting himself. “I just need to stretch out. But thank you for offering.” “Hope you feel better soon,” the other two offered almost simultaneously.
        Gabe and Vinnie ensconced themselves in Terzo’s papal apartment, with Vinnie dragging all the bedding onto the couch. “It’s clean, housekeeping switched all the bedding this morning,” she told Gabe, piling the pillows up. “So long as it wasn’t crusty I wasn’t too concerned,” he joked back. “What kind of snacks do we want? I can probably get Omega to get us a bunch of stuff if we make sure he gets some too.” “The usual. Popcorn, chips, candy, drinks…” Vinnie nodded, whipping out her phone to text Omega to ask nicely if he would help them out. “Oh, can’t forget the pain killers, hang on.” She retrieved stuff from the bathroom, setting it on the coffee table. “Okay, horror movies or ghost hunting videos?” Gabe asked, turning on the TV from his nest on the couch. “Maybe ghost hunting? I don’t think I want to have a jump scare happen and birth a jellyfish, you know?” “Birth a jellyfish?” “You know when you cough/sneeze/laugh/whatever on your period and then a bunch of stuff comes out?” “Ohhh right.” Gabe was thoughtful for a moment. “Yeah, okay, lame ghost hunting videos it is!”
        Omega dropped by later, bringing their snacks and checked on them both. “You know I could use some quintessence to help you out, right?” Both Vinnie and Gabe waved their hands dismissively. “This gives us the excuse to do nothing and watch shit. Feel free to join – but don’t touch our blankets.” “Yeah!” Gabe agreed. “Maybe another time,” Omega chuckled. “But I will take some of this licorice.” The ghoul headed out, and the other two settled back in to watch their choices. There was much laughing at the videos, either because funny things happened or because things were ridiculous, and also much jeering. They stuffed their faces with their snacks and rooted through the blankets and pillows in search of dropped popcorn or candy. At some point the apartment door opened and Terzo and Secondo stepped inside. “I told you they'd be together,” Secondo laughed. “I’m pretty sure Gabe sees more of Vinnie than I do, and I live with her.” Both Gabe and Vinnie glared over the couch, shushing the two men.
        The two Papas settled at the cafe set behind the living room, Terzo making drinks for both of them. “Do you want anything?” he called to the two on the couch. “Hot chocolate?” Vinnie asked, peering over the back of the couch. Terzo nodded, Vinnie poked Gabe with her foot. “You want a hot chocolate?” “Sure. Please. Thanks Papa Terzo.” “Yeah, thanks, Daddy.” Vinnie smirked as she saw Terzo’s eye twitch. “Keep that up and you’ll get nothing,” he grumbled. Vinnie grinned and turned back to the TV. In a few minutes, Terzo placed the mugs of hot chocolate on the table for them. “Ooo you found the marshmallows I stole from the kitchens!” “Vinnie! Stop stealing from the kitchens!” “I need enrichment!” she whined. Terzo groaned, walking away and waving a hand at her.
        The Emeritus brothers half listened to the shows their partners were watching. Eventually one episode sucked them in, and both men started critiquing the ritual being discussed and the Latin pronunciations, as well as correcting the information about a supposed demon being referenced. “No, no, that is definitely not who is in that house. They would never !” Secondo ranted. “They have better things to do than that – they might allow a lower ranking one to do it though.” Terzo made a noise of disagreement, “They run a pretty tight ship really.” The people in the video started reading a Latin inscription they found. “That’s now how you pronounce that, at all,” Terzo hissed in irritation. “They’re worried they’ll accidentally summon the demon if they say that, but all they’re going to do is confuse them!” Secondo chortled. Vinnie looked at Gabe. “Does he talk through all your shows?” Gabe sighed. “Yeah, sometimes.” Vinnie nodded, “Good to know it’s a family trait… Bastardos .” She turned. “SHUSH.” Both Papas responded in tandem, with a firm, “No.” “Ugh!” Vinnie flopped back on the couch, reaching for the remote to turn up the volume. “Rude.”
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luckyfinch · 8 months ago
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Chapter 8: Commercial Break!
click HERE for chapter one, story warnings, and other info
The low thumps of footsteps grew louder, echoing through the halls. It was tense, the air crackling with ticked energy as the commotion neared. 
A hand darted out, catching the hood of the running skeleton and pulling him into the cover of the opposite turning hall, a shadow casting over the two and hiding them from sight well enough that the skeleton’s assailant ran right by without a clue. 
The two figures remained still a beat. Two beats. Three. Then, satisfied they hadn’t been discovered, the runner pulled away to face his savior. 
“swap!” 
The bandanna-wearing monster violently shushed him, sockets narrowed though he wore a good natured smile. “Don’t Want Cross To Hear You, Do We?” 
Killer smiled back, head tilting in confusion. “right. why’d you grab me? y’know i was messin’ with crossy.”
“He Seemed Quite Unhappy!! What Sort Of Joke Did You Pull This Time?” 
Instead of the accusatory tone Killer had expected of his alternate, Swap spoke with a quiet buzz of excitement. 
“…i thought you didn’t like pranks.”
Swap laughed, sockets closing as he did. “I Don’t Like Bad Pranks.”
He couldn’t help but let his smirk drop a fraction. Not Papyrus. He turned his lightless eyes back to the other hall, where Cross had run off.
“i put a cardboard cutout of a cow on his bed.”
. . .
“KILLER! You Shouldn’t Use His Fears For A Prank, It Is Not Funny.”
…A little like Papyrus, even though he clearly was one of his alternates, he conceded. The reminders always left an odd, dull pang where his soul should be. 
“aww, why not? he can handle it.”
Swap groaned, clearly annoyed. “That’s Mean, Not Just A Prank. You Should Apologize.” 
—And that brings him to the present, where he stands in front of a glowering Cross with Swap a little behind the other. Fantastic. Swap gave him an encouraging (threatening) look, and Killer sighed.
“i am very, very sorry for putting a cutout of a cow in your room. it was… uhhhhh…” 
Cross stared at him, unimpressed. 
“…it wasss wrong of me to do. annndd.. iii…” 
Killer’s voice trailed off, squinting empty eyes at Swap over Cross’s shoulder. His hands were making an odd repetitive gesture, palms up and pulling his hands back toward himself and back again. What..? Oh! He was trying to help.
“—iiii.. want, you to- no, i want to forgive.. you? wait, wait- i want to t- to have- get- to earn yooouurrr .. for fuck’s sake swap, i don’t know what ‘ya want me to say!” Killer finally gave up, hands bunching into fists.
The monochrome monster turned his glare behind him, where Swap stood with his hands frozen mid-air. Sheepishly, he smiled, pulling his hands behind his back. Cross scoffed.
“Whatever. I forgive you… Asshole.” 
With that, Cross stalked off, hands in his pockets and his lower face hidden in his scarf. Killer let out a breath of relief that the painful conversation was over, finally, but was interrupted by Swap’s too happy smile and wide, squinting sockets. 
Oh, shit.
Killer teleported away in a blip, landing in Nightmare’s study much to the latter’s immediate annoyance. Killer clutched his metaphorical pearls, nervous sweat on his skull. Nightmare turned in his chair to face Killer, a brow raised and scowl on his face. The dark skeleton narrowed his eyes in slight concentration, which a moment later became confused as he zoned back in. 
“… Why is Swap ….. scheming??” 
Oh, shit.
*** 
Cyan boots stomped tiredly towards the kitchen, a frowning and slouched Swap dragging them along with each step. His gloves were gone, as well as most of his usual mesh-armor. All the skeleton wanted was a glass of cool—not cold—water, and to curl up in bed and hopefully ignore the nagging voice in his skull telling him to quit lazing about like his brother.
… His brother. Papyrus. Witty and good natured, with a knack for easing those around him and cheering him up. Oh, Swap missed his brother. On days like these, the memories hurt the most, and the prickly voice in his head sounded more like a certain paint-splashed monster than a cruel twist of his own monologue. 
Pushing into the kitchen, Swap paused to slump against the door 
way, sockets weary and head hanging as he tried to push away the memories he could never return to. 
Apparently too tired to have noticed the presence in the room, Swap now found himself held to a firm chest, large arms wrapped around him and a chin resting on the top of his skull. Subconsciously he sunk into the hold, the tall stature reminding him again of his younger brother, yet it was still so painfully different. 
Horror hummed deep in his throat. For a while, he simply stood there in the doorway holding Swap, letting the shorter soak up the closeness. 
After what felt like an eternity, Swap tried to force his tired bones to pull away from the comfort. Horror, on the other hand, seemed reluctant to let him go so soon. The taller skeleton lifted him from the ground with ease, keeping his arms wrapped around him until he was dropped into a chair at the table. Before he could protest a large skeletal hand patted him on the head, stunning him into silence. A kettle was placed on the stove, a somewhat comfortable silence falling over the kitchen as Horror went about, grabbing two small ceramic mugs and a little box from a cupboard Swap knew he would never be able to reach without climbing onto the counter. It was clearly a space only Horror used, and maybe Nightmare, if he were to use his extra appendages. 
The sudden whistle of the kettle pulled back his attention, and Horror quickly slid it off the heated stovetop. With practiced movements he went about dropping little packets into each cup and then slowly poured the steaming water over them. When a white mug was placed down in front of him, reading “Stab Happy,” with a little cartoon knife underneath, he noted that it was surely Killer’s usual cup of choice. The piping liquid inside was a yellow-green color. Tea. 
Horror slowly sat diagonal from him, his hands wrapped around his own cup of tea. Besides Swap’s whispered thank you there were no words spoken between them, the pair periodically sipping from their mugs and enjoying each other's company. 
The voice in his head was quiet for the rest of the day.
*** 
Swap sat, the damp grass not bothering him much as he directed his attention to his friend.
The dark oozing determination wasn’t as bad today, and Killer wiped at his under eyes with his sleeve. His grin felt flat, blank eyes staring down at Swap.
“The Stars Are Nice Tonight, Don’t You Think?”
A new sluggish wave of determination dripped from the other’s sockets, which he wiped at again with more aggression. “i don’t like stars.” 
He tilted his head, smile faltering. Something about Killer’s tone made him think he shouldn’t press further. Instead, he pushed himself up to his feet. 
“you think just ‘cause i’m a sans, means i gotta have all the same interests?” Killer continued, even though Swap hadn’t responded. His fists balled, shoulders subtly shaking. “well, you’re wrong. i’m not the same. i’m not. i- i-“
Killer cursed, hands flying to his face as he shook. 
“Killer..?” 
“fuck off!”
Swap stepped back, shocked by the outburst. Falling to his knees, the shaking skeleton hunched in on himself. When Swap tried to approach, hand outstretched in worry, a knife rushed past his skull, just barely missing him as he fell to the side. 
His concern doubled, and with it so did his annoyance. “KILLER! WHAT THE FUCK! What Was That For??”
The other froze, his single barely-there eyelight fizzling out in his left socket. He breathed heavily, leaning on one hand and on his ass, looking surprised.
The silence stretched on as they stared at each other, until Killer exhaled shakily and leaned forward. “… sorry. i don’t.. i don’t know where that came from.”
��..Are You Okay Now?”
“yeah.” He responded after a moment. 
Nightmare had told him about the ‘episodes’ that some of the team sometimes had. They could be short, like this one luckily was, or last even hours. Perhaps some sort of flashback? Swap wasn’t sure, but the actions lined up with what Nightmare had described to him; unawareness, a spacey-look, aggression; it seemed that he’d snapped out of whatever ‘it’ was before anything really happened. 
Killer offered him a hand to stand up, a hint of hesitation in his movements. Swap took it and pulled himself up. Then, as Killer tried to retract his hand, he pulled him into a hug. 
“I Know You Didn’t Mean That.” The blue-wearing monster said, voice dropping to a whisper as his grip tightened, “I’ll Avoid Mentioning, Uh, Stars, In The Future. But If You ever Try Throwing A Knife At Me Again Nightmare Will Have To Heal You.” 
“....okay.” 
*** 
“Oomf!” 
Swap slumped against the mat, sighing loudly. He’d been bested.
“Never let down your guard, even when your opponent is down.” 
Cross and Swap were sparring in the gym, and when Cross went limp under his hold, Swap had assumed victory. Clearly he was too soon to celebrate, as Cross immediately knocked him off and sent him practically flying. 
“Don’t sweat it, Swap,” he offered a hand, helping his friend to his feet. “This is why we’re practicing.”
“Hrmf.”
Summoning two dulled bones—he didn’t want to genuinely hurt his opponent—Swap darted to the side, winding up an arm and aiming a blow to Cross’ shoulder. Cross responded by jumping back, grabbing the outstretched wrist of Swap and twisting until he dropped the bone. 
Twisting with his arm, Swap dropped the other too, bracing himself with his back to Cross and grabbing the wrist apprehending him with his free hand, using the momentum to throw the monochrome monster over his shoulder in a swift move. Cross yelped, unprepared, as he was slammed onto the mat at his opponent’s feet. A cyan boot planted itself on his chest, one arm in the air and twisting at an uncomfortable angle.
Swap smiled brightly down at his friend. “Surrender now?”
Grumbling, he nodded, rubbing at his arm when it was released. Plopping down beside him Swap began to prod at Cross’ skull with joking jabs at his stance. He scoffed, a grin pulling at his features as he swatted at the hands.
***
A knife stabbed into the table, angry shouting from a certain tear-streaked skeleton following. 
“that’s bullshit!” 
“killer, shut the hell up.” Dust spat, “what’s the point in denying it?”
“fuck you, you musty psycho! it’s definitely me.”
Horror interrupted, “can we.. please.. jus’ eat, without.. th’ arguing?” 
“Of course not, did you forget who we’re eating with?” Cross muttered, skull resting against a palm as he leaned on the table. His other hand poked at his food.
Killer’s smile strained at the edges, fingers tightening around his embedded knife’s handle. “i wouldn’t be arguing if dust’d accept the truth.”
“kill yourself.”
“Dust, you can’t just say that anytime you disagr-“ Cross started.
“kill yourself.”
He deadpanned, eyes narrowed. “Dust-“
The quiet, repetitive thumping of Nightmare’s skull on the table continued, though nobody paid it mind. 
“Guys, Horror’s Getting Upset. Can’t You Save This Topic For Later?” 
“no.” Dust and Killer replied in unison, followed by a sharp glare at each other.
The hooded skeleton picked up his fork anyway, taking a bite from his dinner. “you need to accept ya aren’t his favorite.”
“wh- y- as if it could be you!” 
Horror took a calming breath, Swap patting him comfortingly on the arm as the bickering went on.
“could be.”
“could not!”
“I Doubt It’s EITHER Of You!”
Before either could respond, Nightmare finally raised his head, a suffering look on his skull and a tired frown. His voice was low and immediately shut both arguing skeletons up.
“Horror is my favorite. Does that make you happy to hear?”
The mentioned monster perked up, his single eyelight dilating in its socket. Killer’s expression dropped, whereas Dust simply shrugged and returned to his plate.
“but i do everything you ask! i’m the most loyal person here.”
When Dust muttered a sneer of “dog” under his breath Killer kicked him under the table. 
“Horror is quiet… and he cooks.”
Dust smirked at that, sending a pointed look to the determination-dripping skeleton beside him. With a yell, Dust was knocked out of his chair, plate knocking to the floor with him as Killer shoved him to the floor. The pair tumbled across the ground with a series of outraged insults and jeers, fists flying.
Watching the scene unfold—Nightmare angrily pushing away from the table, moving to tear Killer and Dust apart; Cross, jumping up with a huff to help, hands finding Dust’s hood; Horror, more distressed about the plate of food that had dropped than his screaming and hitting friends—Swap, despite everything, grinned exasperatedly, taking another bite of food.
It was still better than the Stars’. 
////
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bunnygirl678 · 8 months ago
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Okay team…
Going on a hiatus for all writing and for the most part tumblr, might still be some lurking and I’ll have my queue going butttttt
Had my first physical therapy session today, and it’s a lot worse than I was thinking it was, I have three sessions a week rn and have to completely change my set up
I now have to use a standing desk (I got an under desk treadmill to go with it! Gonna be back in marathon shape by year end my dudes), luckily no surgery is expected! Woooo
I might try to write some but between work and being on pain killers and muscle relaxers nothing I’m outputting is any good, I’m no bukowski… or Hemingway…. Or any of the other drunk writers lol
Really sad cause I had some fun stuff in the pipeline
Probably going to be a little rusty when I get back into it buttttt
I vibe with my therapist, an older dude who kept calling me sugar, made my southern ass feel at home lol, it was funny he was attempting to massage a bit but I kept inadvertently twitching he said my nerves are in high gear and asked how I’d been doing this for 3 week lmao (remember when I had pneumonia for 3 weeks and was effectively just ignoring it lmao see a pattern here)
I had my Pokemon backpack, and shoes, and a black Pokemon shirt and he was telling me his son was really into it, and I’m like cool cool thinking he’s talking about like a 6 year old, nope 23, I felt more comfortable after that, his son apparently just got back from Japan
He gave me a bunch of home work and told me baby steps, lol not something I’m good at
But he was really understanding of my work and the fact that I can’t just not work lol (ngl my company wouldn’t make it a month without me)
Idk my dudes I might be a bit high rn
Don’t expect anything exciting from me.
But feel free to shoot me messages on discord or dm here or ask for my email like it’s 2006, I might be a little high tho lol
I love you all, I’ll be here when I can, also don’t turn 30, those fuckers weren’t lying when they say your body starts falling apart!
I just have to be okay for Nashville cause my ass is going to see the Dresden dolls come hell or high water,
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scribe-awoken · 7 hours ago
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I just realized that this year is the 9-year anniversary of the time I pulled off an absolutely unhinged prank on Halloween so I might as well share this with y'all.
So the story starts 10 years ago on Halloween of 2014. I went trick-or-treating with some friends from my local library's anime club, and the night is fairly typical. We walked around town for a couple hours, a pair of twins in our group who live in town invited us to their place to inventory our candy and do some trades, the usual.
While we were going through what we got, we look at the big zip-lock bags of candy we got from one house we stopped at, and we notice that there's a pamphlet inside. One person in the group read his pamphlet out loud. It started off with a bunch of fun facts about bats, before going into a bunch of evangelical Christian screed at the end.
We all kinda rolled our eyes at it, but I had memorized which house it was that gave us those pamphlets, and I had a plan.
Fast forward to the following year. Halloween landed on the same day that our library's anime club held its meetings, so we were walking over after school when I lost my footing and sprained my ankle. Now, I am nothing if not committed to the bit, and I had no way of getting a ride home at that time anyways, so I sucked it up and limped the mile to the library, then limped another mile to the local McDonald's where everyone was meeting up.
So I'm spending most of the night limping around town in my shitty cereal killer costume (a hoodie with a bunch of mini cereal bags pinned to it, each of which had a plastic knife stabbed into it), when we finally get to the one house that gave us the pamphlets the prior year. I begged everyone to stop at that house, and they were like "you mean the one that gives out the weird religious pamphlets?"
I was like "Yeah, that's the one. Trust me, it'll be funny." It took some convincing, but eventually everyone agreed that they'd hang back and watch while I go up to the porch and go through with my plan.
So I limped up, one of the two old ladies at the porch took one of the zip-lock bags and shoved it into the huge Great Value corn flakes box I was using as my candy receptacle, and I immediately reached into the box, pulled out the bag, fished the pamplet out of the bag...
And took a big bite out of it.
At this point, I was not only in pain from having walked several miles on a sprained ankle, but also dealing with a mouthful of the glossy paper the pamphlets were printed on, which tasted absolutely awful, but it was absolutely worth it for the looks on their faces.
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the-brothers · 5 months ago
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Six - Nine Months
Nervously you entered the emergency entrance with Shanks in tow and scanned the waiting room for your brothers. They'd spotted you first and it only took seconds for Luffy to be wrapped around your legs.
Thatch was sitting across the room sweating over a clipboard while Ace sat quietly next to him. You scooped up your baby brother and made your way to them inspecting both of the little ones while addressing the eldest.
"How is he?"
Thatch glanced up looking more stressed than you'd ever seen him, "They are going to take him to the burn ward. He may need some grafts. They will know for sure soon."
"Grafts? How bad is it? What happened?" you sat in front of them with Luffy in your lap.
The brunette sighed and rubbed his hand over his face.
"The grill exploded in his face." Ace answered before Thatch could.
"Exploded?" you echoed in horror, a million horrible visuals flashing through your head.
"It's not how ever you're imagining," the brunette added with his face still burried in his palms, "the gas was on but the flame wouldn't ignite. When it did it blew out a fireball and Sabo was standing too close. It's my fault, I should have made sure he was out of the way."
"It wasn't your fault," you murmured as Luffy yawned resting his head on your shoulder.
"Accidents happen, and these guys are always all over the place." Shanks added.
"And Marco was home right? Having a first responder already there helped."
"Yeah, he's with him." Thach sighed.
"What did Pops say about it?"
Thatch paled and looked at his watch, "I haven't called him yet. It's two in the morning there."
"He won't care about the time. I still have a lot of minutes on the calling card he gave me." you passed Luffy to your boyfriend and stood, "I'll let him know."
"We'll come get you if the doctors come while you're out."
You nodded at your brother and headed back to the entrance while entering the information from your calling card and dialing your father.
"What happened lass?" Pops' groggy voice was already full of suspicion, "I'm assuming you know the time in London."
"There was an accident earlier with Sabo, we're all at the hospital now."
"Is he alright?" you could hear him fumbling around, "I can get the next available flight out."
"We don't know much right now, I wasn't home but the grill sort of blew up in his face. Thatch said he might need skin grafts."
"Blew up?!" Pops was extremely awake now stammering around his hotel room packing his bags.
"It was a build of of the propane. Marco was home thankfully but I don't know how much he could do."
"I'll be there as soon as I can lass, tell the boys I will see you all soon."
"I will. Be careful." with that you said your goodbyes and went back inside to wait things out with your brothers.
Not long after that Marco appeared and Shanks took his leave.
"He ended up not needing grafts but he'll be here for a few days to make sure his wounds don't get infected." the older blonde took a seat next to you, "We'll have a lot of after care to learn for him - yoi."
"How is he otherwise?" Thatch asked still quite stressed.
"Very lucky. He closed his eyes and didn't inhale, so it could have been much worse. They gave him a strong pain killer and sedative, so he's knocked out." Marco ran his hand through his hair, "He'll be in a private room soon. Either of us can stay with him but F/N, you should take the littles home -yoi."
"Shouldn't we all be here for him when he wakes up?"
Marco gave you a stern glance that you hated.
He was such a dad sometimes.
"These guys need to get actual rest and they won't let a bunch of minors just sleep in the waiting room - yoi."
"You take them," Thatch suggested, "I'll stay here around wait for Pops."
"He's coming home?"
"He said he was catching the first flight that he could." you answered.
"Well," Marco leaned down to scoop up a now sleeping Ace, "let's get these guys home and in bed."
Days passed and Sabo was released. His homecoming was quiet - per his request, but Thatch still made a huge meal of all the things he loved.
His left eye, shoulder and part of his chest were bandaged. His wavy locks had also been singed off. Every few hours his dressings had to be changed and drops had to be administered.
As he healed he was allowed to go bandage free to allow his wounds to air. He'd stayed home with Thatch doing assignments you picked up from his teacher when you picked Ace up from school. You began to worry about how reclusive he was becoming. It had been about two months and he was able to join in playtime outside in the snow but most times he refused. If you did manage to get him out he made sure to have a hat and scarf covering most of his face.
When you were home he clung to you.
After all the progress made in the last eight months it broke your heart to see him basically back at square one.
Christmas was coming, which for a kid who usually went without was a less exciting occasion. Every year on Christmas Eve your family threw the biggest party in town. Sabo had been fine at home where no one had to see him.  Now everyone would be there, in his new safe space, staring. Even worse most people knew of his accident and the last thing he wanted was pity.
"Your hair is growing again." you combed your fingers through your little brothers short waves as he leaned against you on the sofa.
"Not fast enough." he huffed.
"You don't have to grow it out ya know, it looks cute like this."
He scruched his nose at you, "I hate it like this."
"Ok, ok," you sighed not wanting to push him further.
"F/N?" you glanced down to meet his emerald gaze, "Do we have to go to the Christmas party?"
"I'm sure Pops won't force you if you aren't comfortable." you answered, "A lot of people want to meet you though, and they'll have gifts."
"Gifts?" he hummed, "but they don't know me."
"Yeah, but they are nice and know it's your first Christmas as a Newgate so it's like a welcoming and a Christmas gift." you explained, "Also, lots of them are rich so ya get cool stuff."
He let out a small chuckle as you shrugged, "Pops is rich too though, huh?"
"That's true," you laughed, "you brats will be even brattier after the holidays."
"You're a brat." he pushed your shoulder.
"No, I'm rubber and you're glue." you gently tapped his nose.
"So mature." he rolled his eyes and settled next to you again, "Maybe I'll go."
"It's alright if you change your mind or want to leave early too." you assured.
"I know." he nodded.
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dantakeyoman · 1 year ago
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𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐎𝐑 | 𝐫. 𝐳𝐨𝐫𝐨
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♡ 𝐫𝐨𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐚 𝐳𝐨𝐫𝐨 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦! 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫
♡ * "𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒂 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒂𝒔𝒔, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕? 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏. 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒎𝒆𝒂𝒏, 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒖𝒅, 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒑𝒖𝒏𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒔 𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒕 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒉𝒆𝒍𝒍, 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒅𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒔 𝒕𝒘𝒊𝒔𝒕, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒂𝒄𝒉𝒆, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒆 𝒉𝒐𝒕. …𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒊 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒌 𝒊 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒊𝒕." *
♡ 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐥𝐮𝐟𝐟, 𝐥𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬, 𝐬𝐦𝐮𝐭, 𝐠𝐨𝐫𝐞, 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐟𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐲, 𝐬𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐰𝐰𝐰𝐰 𝐛𝐮𝐫𝐧, 𝐞𝐭𝐜.
♡ * 𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒚 - 𝒑𝒐𝒗: 𝒖𝒓 𝒛𝒐𝒓𝒐'𝒔 𝒈𝒇 *
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𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍
"I guess you two finally get it. I just used you guys to get what I wanted. You were skilled enough to serve my needs, but boy, were you guys a bunch of suckers," Nami smirked.
"She had you guys completely fooled! It's no use. She's cold-blooded. She betrayed her family for money, so you really shouldn't feel too bad," Arlong heartily laughed.
Nami's eyes went wide, her expression turning sour before she snapped herself out of it.
"If I were you I would just admit defeat and try to forget the day you met her."
"I don't need to. Because I never saw anything in her to be trusted in the first place," Zoro started, smirking.
"If she turned out to be a serial killer, I wouldn't be surprised."
"Fine! Then why don't you just get the hell out of here. I'm tired of your face," Nami barked.
Zoro smirked and shot you a quick look before he pushed himself off the platform, falling into the water.
You knew what he was doing. 
You sat there and listened to the fishmen whisper to each other for a few moments before Nami dove in after him. 
She plopped him back up on the platform and panted, trying to catch her breath. 
"What do you think you're doing?" She asked in a low voice so the others couldn't hear.
"No, what do you think you're doing? You're really just a nice girl who can't watch one guy die. Why don't you quit pretending? " Zoro smirked, coughing a bit.
'That was a stupid stunt given his injuries, but effective.'
"And you might wanna jump in a little quicker next time. I thought I was dead."
"You bastard!" Nami exclaimed, stomping on Zoro's wound and making him howl in pain.
You winced as she hoisted him up.
"Try that again and I'll make sure you die!"
"Really?" Zoro chuckled.
"That's a lot of bandages. You must've been hurt pretty bad," Nami smirked.
"Actually I forgot my shirt. Grabbed these to cover up so you wouldn't get distracted," Zoro smirked.
You rolled your eyes at the joke and turned around as he got socked in the stomach.
'He deserved that one.'
"Tell me. What should we do with this guy?" Arlong asked as Nami walked back over to him.
"Lock him up. I'll take care of him when I have the time," Nami spat.
"Arlong, hey! Arlong!" The blue fishman from before exclaimed, running over.
"Yeah? Well, spit it out. What is it?" Arlong asked.
"Yes, sir. These two didn't come here alone. There was another long nosed, weird looking guy with them but he got away."
'Godammit, Usopp! You leave us for dead and still get spotted?!'
"I think he escaped into Cocoyashi village."
"Cocoyashi, uh? That's perfect. Now I have two reasons to go. It's time to go have some fun," Arlong smirked.
"Wait, what about the girl?!" One of the fishmen on the side called.
"I don't know. What do you think, Nami?" Arlong asked.
"Lock her up, too. Keep them separate," Nami ordered before walking off.
海賊狩
They threw you in this dungeon and slammed the door behind themselves.
They tied your wings so you couldn't fly away as well. 
You stood up and walked over to the window, shutting your eyes and concentrating on your breathing. 
"Secret Technique: God's Messenger," you whispered. 
One of your feathers pulled from my wing and flew next to your.
"Go find Usopp and lead him to safety," you ordered it.
It gave a little wiggle and was about to fly out the window when the fishmen burst into the room.
"Hey! She's signalling something!" One of them shouted.
"Go now!" you exclaimed and your feather took off
They grabbed you by your hair and dragged you out the cell.
海賊狩
They dragged you back out to where Arlong's "throne" is and threw you at his feet.
"So, you were trying to help your little friend escape, uh?" Arlong smirked as he pressed his foot on your back. Hard.
"And I'd do it again, you overgrown tuna," you spat.
He suddenly stabbed the ground right next to your face, but you didn't even bat an eye. 
"You are one of Zoro's crew. It's only natural for well-known bounty hunters to come after me," He started, moving the knife a few centimeters closer.
"Don't flatter yourself. We didn't come here for your briny ass," you rolled your eyes.
Just then, a fishman with really puckered lips kicked you in the stomach.
You coughed up some blood from how hard it was.
"Choo. Don't you dare disrespect our leader, you harlot," he spat.
"So...if I kill you...Zoro will show up," Arlong quizzically stated as he dragged the knife even closer.
"I doubt it. That guy hates my guts," you scoffed. 
"What I wanna know is how? How did he escape?" One of the fishmen with three ponytails asked.
"What do you mean?" Arlong asked back.
"What I mean is, someone let him escape," Ponytail answered, showing the sliced rope.
"I think that somebody has betrayed us. Perhaps it was Nami who let him in. So that bastard could take your head."
They all began talking at once about Nami possibly betraying the Arlong Pirates and you furrowed your brows.
'Is this true?' 
"Don't forget. Her chief skill is deception," Ponytail added.
"Enough of this! You should be ashamed, This is pure conjecture! " Nami shut down as she began walking toward you and Arlong.
"How dare you. You would call me a traitor. I swore I was a member of this group eight years ago. My loyalty...is shown with this tattoo."
"I'm sorry, Nami. It's natural for you to be upset. But you should know. I don't suspect you of anything treacherous, Nami. I trust you. After all, we've know each other for eight years. We're just...a little on edge right now. That's all," Arlong assured, standing up and putting his hands to her shoulders.
"Surely you can understand that. We need to focus on Zoro and his gang of bounty hunters."
"What's wrong, Nami? You're pale. You feelin' okay," Ponytail sarcastically asked.
"As for Birdie here, not even you can save her now. No. Not when she disrespected Arlong."
He pulled the knife out from the ground and tapped to tip to make sure it was still sharp.
"How long?! How long will I be suspected of betrayal?!" Nami demanded.
"You're too clever for your own good," Ponytail sighed.
"I'll have the amount Arlong and I agreed to soon. It doesn't make any sense for me to betray you now!" Nami stated.
"Amount they agreed to?" you asked yourself.
"I know. Eight years ago, you agreed to purchase Cocoyashi Village for 100 million berries. Heh. But I just can't figure it out. You love nothing. Except money. You betrayed your family and your village for it. So, why do you care for this village now?" Ponytail asked, slowly taping the blade on your neck, not hard enough to do any damage.
You didn't flinch.
"This puny little heap of houses. I though long and hard about it. Then I found this in your room."
He held up a map and all the color drained from Nami's face.
"This looks suspiciously like a treasure map. And it seems to be pointing to Cocoyashi village."
"I can't believe you have the nerve to go through my personal belongings. That's my map and it has nothing to do with you!" Nami exclaimed.
"So angry. Is there something on your mind?" Ponytail taunted.
"What is this?!" A squid looking fishman exclaimed from the water.
"Why are all these guys dead?! What happened?!"
"The pirate hunter Zoro did it. Why weren't you here Hatchi? Huh? This could've been prevented, had you been here!" Arlong glared.
"Of course it could've! Had I only been here! It's unforgivable!" Hatchi shouted
"We get it. You weren't here. So you don't know where he is, is that right?" Ponytail asked.
"Well, let me think about it. I saw one guy. Yeah, that's right. He was a slightly suspicious swordsman type," Hatchi started.
His eyes went wide.
"That's him!"
"You did see him, you idiot!" Ponytail shouted.
"So where did he go?" Lips asked.
"He told me he wanted to see Arlong, so I gave him a ride to Cocoyashi village," Hatchi answered.
"Excellent. That means we don't have any need to hurry. He's going to come straight to me," Arlong smirked.
'If Zoro's on his way, I gotta buy him some time.'
You were slowly reaching back to untie you wings when Nami slammed her staff into your face. 
Your nose began to bleed.
"Goddammit, Nami!" you groaned, shaking off the pain.
"You're the one getting in the way. This is what you get for messing with Arlong," Nami smirked.
You spat out a little blood from your mouth and stood up, standing off with the red-headed girl.
"Y'know, you've really disappointed me, Nami. I expected a little more razzle dazzle when it came to your betrayal," you started.
Her breath hitched.
"I knew it was only a matter of time before you betrayed us. Hell, you even flat out said that our alliance was gonna be a short term thing. But I figured that a burglar of your caliber would've pulled off something a little more flashy. Like come on now. The girl that hates pirates is a pirate? Shocker."
"Will you shut up?!" She gritted her teeth.
"The point of this wasn't to entertain, it was to get me my money, plain and simple. And I'm not about to let you and your friends ruin eight long years of hard work. So long, (y/n). It's just business. You understand." 
She took the knife from Ponytail and stared you down.
"I do," you sighed, standing up straight and leaving yourself open.
She quickly ran up to your and thrust the knife, only it didn't go through you, it went through her hand.
Your eyes went wide and you tried to play it up.
"There's a large fish in the water that can drag you to safety. You have to trust me," She whispered.
"I do," you nodded.
This little exchange with the Fishmen just filled in the blanks needed to understand what was going on.
Cocoyashi Village is being held for ransom by Arlong for 100 million berries and she is trying to save it, the reason still unclear.
But what you did know is that she doesn't want to hurt any of you, and only is doing so so the fishmen don't get suspicious.
She pulled out the knife and you grabbed the area where she "stabbed".
"Now go and die," She spat.
You slowly walked toward the water, before making yourself flop in it, losing your ability to move at all.
 海賊狩
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