today, my coworkers’ refusal to see me as a man put one of our patients in a position where they felt unsafe for the third time. i’ve been at this job for less than two months total. i don’t even care about getting misgendered anymore, i just want the people we’re supposed to be taking care of to feel comfortable around me.
i work at a hospital where we have to supervise our patients in a lot of vulnerable situations. there are safeguarding rules in place for certain things that male employees aren’t allowed to be present for when it comes to female patients. and yet, the people training me and telling me what to do have repeatedly put me in situations where i’ve been forced to do things that the female patients aren’t comfortable with me doing. and because they have repeatedly failed to teach me the rules for doing my job as a man, i have no way of knowing when i’m crossing one of those lines unless one of the patients tells me.
i’ve had to watch a victim of SA stare at me in abject terror as my coworkers asked her to strip naked with me still in the room. it took several minutes for her to even be able to speak enough to ask if i could leave the room. i found out after that she broke down crying the moment i walked out. my biggest regret is that i didn’t realize what was happening fast enough to leave before she ever had to say something, because she shouldn’t have had to say it. i never should’ve been allowed in the room in the first place, because that’s not something male employees are supposed to be present for. but i didn’t know that yet, because i was training and i thought surely, they wouldn’t train me to do something that directly violated their own safeguarding rules. that moment was the first time, and it’s haunted me ever since, but it wasn’t the last time. not only did it happen for the third time today — it almost happened for the fourth, and would have if someone hadn’t spoken up to say they should pick someone else. i care for these people so deeply, it’s why i took this job, and i’m so tired of hearing the fear in their voices when they have to ask me not to do something i never should’ve been told to do.
i’m very used to the personal discomfort of being misgendered. i willingly deal with it a lot at work as well as in other situations, not because i’m in the closet (at this point in my medical transition that would be impossible), but because it’s such a frequent occurrence with my coworkers that we would never get anything done if i took the time to correct them every time. but to see it get to the point of causing such visceral discomfort in other people? people i’m supposed to be taking care of and keeping safe? that’s something else entirely, and i’m fucking exhausted.
and after all of that, some of them still look at me like i have two heads when they tell me what to do and i say “i can’t do that, only female employees can” because i’m learning now. clearly i’m already seen as a man by our patients, but my coworkers would still rather put them in an unsafe situation than just train me as a man.
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💦☁️🛏️ harringrove please!
BUILD-A-BLURB ASK MEME
PAIRING: BILLY X STEVE
PROMPTS: 💦 sleeping together for the first time, ☁️ enemies to lovers, 🛏 only one bed
It’s a punishment of some sort. Steve’s sure of it.
Biblical level.
Penance or whatever. He stopped going to church when he was eleven. Steve wonders if that’s the reason Billy Hargrove is currently standing the other side of a bed that looks too narrow to properly classify as a double and glaring at it like it just offended his mother.
As if a guy like that has a mother.
“Fuck this.”
Billy’s pointing at the faded bedspread. And, yeah. Steve kind of has to agree. He kicks at the wooden frame himself and frowns.
Coach put them in the smallest room. Said the motel they were staying at overnight had overbooked and, well. Billy and Steve were the only pair. The only two, ‘cause Tommy H is currently laid up in bed back home with a fever. Dropped out last minute and Steve sort of hates him for it.
Sort of really hates him for it because Billy’s talking again. Voice too loud in the small room.
“This is the goddamn worst, you know that? Indiana fuckin’ sucks.”
Steve sighs. Flops down onto the bed, ancient springs creaking as the mattress bounces half heartedly.
“Feel free to leave at, like, any time.” He says around a yawn. Props himself up on his elbows and gives Billy a look. Smiles sweetly as he speaks. “In fact. I’ll pack your bags for you. Deal?”
“Shut the hell up, Harrington.”
Steve lets himself fall back again. He rubs a hand over his face and realises how beat he is from the journey. “You first, dickhead.”
“Jerkoff.”
“…Bitch.”
Billy spins around. Stupid pointy earring swinging with the movement. He glares at Steve. “Better not start feeling me up in the night.”
“Can you shut the fuck up? Like, is that possible? Do you have an off button? Or are you always set to asshole?”
Billy doesn’t reply. Just grabs his bag and heads for the bathroom. Shuts the door with a bang that has the light fittings rattling.
Steve’s eyes droop as he hears the shower turn on.
He wakes to Billy standing over him. Dripping water and skin flushed from the heat. Steve groans and rubs his eyes. Bats at Billy and tells him to jus’ go’way.
Billy pinches his side. Hard. Steve yelps. Jumps up and shoves at Billy.
“What is your issue, man?”
“Your dumbass was taking up the whole bed.”
Steve shoves at Billy again. Cranky from the lack of sleep, irritable and wound up. And Billy’s got that stupid look on his face. Smirk tugging at his mouth and eyes mean.
Steve hates him.
“I hate you.”
Billy’s mouth twists. Turns down. Steve almost feels bad. Almost.
He’s not sure who swings first but he ends up back on the bed, nose bloody and making a mess of the little pink and yellow flowers beneath him. Billy’s breathing is ragged to match Steve’s as he sits, perched on top. A leg either side of Steve’s waist.
Steve’s still in his t shirt and sweatpants and Billy’s- in his briefs. Has been since he got out of the shower.
He’s also hard.
Steve is too.
And, like-
Fuck penance. This is the full on rapture.
Steve stares at Billy’s pendant and Mother Mary stares right back. Accusing. He drags his eyes up. Billy’s pupils are blown and Steve has to fight to see any blue and-
Steve puts a hand on Billy’s thigh. Tucks his index finger just under the hem and waits for Billy to make his move.
The next punch never comes.
Billy ends up under Steve, this time.
He’s making these low, punched out noises as Steve rolls his hips like he’s fucking Billy through three layers of fabric. He shoves a hand beneath Billy’s waistband. Wraps it around him and has to tamp down a noise of his own at the feeling.
Billy’s fingers are digging into his shoulders and Steve thinks they’re gonna leave a mark. Hopes they do, for some reason. He’s got his face buried in Billy’s neck, curls tickling as he mouths at the spot under Billy’s ear, tugs at that stupid fucking earring with his teeth.
Steve hates him.
Sort of doesn’t hate him, either, though.
Wants to see what other noises he can draw out of Billy Hargrove.
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