#think if Mary Shelley’s work had never been revealed as her own

[karengillanslefteyebrow]

Brb gonna don my mourning cloak for all of the writings of women that were plagiarized or altogether never discovered

[forasecondtherewedwon]

Unhallowed Arts

Threesome: Peter Parker x Michelle Jones x Brad Davis Rating: E Word Count: 11,077

This is a submission for Thotumn, organized by @spideysmjs!!! Today’s prompt: Threesome (but this fic also includes previous prompts: Semi-Public, Face-Sitting, and “Don’t Be Gentle”).

Summary: “What’s the compromise between abruptly shutting this down (her sex drive weeps) and getting in bed with a guy who will make the experience too emotionally intense?

'Have you ever had a threesome?’ Michelle blurts.

'…What? No.’

‘Neither have I. But I’ve been, um, wanting to try it.’

Have you? she demands of herself, wiping a damp palm on her jeans.

‘You, me, and someone else?’ Brad’s eyebrows are very high on his forehead. ‘That’s a lot of bodies, uh, coming together.’”

Brad Davis has a Mary Shelley mug. He used to drink from it—coffee he brought to work in a thermos from home, which smelled so delicious that Michelle would go out of her way to inhale it over his shoulder, pretending to let him show her something on his monitor—until the mug cracked and he switched to using it to house typical office junk. She asked him about the mug exactly once, fearing it was bait to intrigue a certain kind of person, to make him seem like a certain kind of person himself. But he surprised her. Turns out he’s not a douche (or at least not a douche who lures women in with female authors of historical significance), just a genuine Shelley fan.

He’s not many things Michelle initially assumed him to be, striking them off a mental list over the months they’ve worked together: not a guy who takes the last free seat at the table during a team meeting, not a guy who checks out his own reflection on his black phone screen, not a guy who wears sturdy hiking boots for show. When they troop out to conduct surveys on behalf of the conservation initiative they work for, Brad scrambles up the side of eroding banks and squelches into marshland until water soaks his socks and surface residue clings to his leg hair.

Brad’s not pushy, though she’s well aware that he’s been watching her as long as she’s been watching him.

Early on into them working together, she fell into his arms. Literally fell. The team encouraged Michelle to wait for the second truck, the one bringing the ladder, but she got stubborn and climbed the tree to check the bat box the old-fashioned way. Unfortunately, some of the branches were dead and hollow inside, but Brad caught her when she dropped eight feet. And then flirted with her before she could catch her breath. She had some less friendly words for him in return. The first time he surprised her was when he immediately respected her clear boundaries and backed off. They’ve learned to work easily with each other and drink together in the same booth when people from the initiative hit the bar—on evenings they don’t smell too much like they spent the day in Mother Nature’s armpit. They’re friendly, could almost be friends, except that she’s incredibly conscious of his persistent attraction to her, even if he doesn’t do anything about it because he’s not a douche. It’s a knowledge Michelle simply lives with.

But there have been an awful lot of evenings lately of smelling like whatever swamp she waded into during the day, of either going straight home to shower the stench away (thank fuck for rent with utilities included), or hunching over her laptop as she tries to get a grant application finished before a midnight submission deadline. Nobody she works with is holding their breath for the day the government decides it should just give them the money to protect local habitats without making them prove themselves over and over and compete against other worthy environmental projects for the funds. So, Michelle works, and she wades, and she loses many of the evenings she could be out getting laid.

On a regular they-better-pay-us-for-the-overtime evening and not a marshy/swampy/boggy one, she’s comfortably stretched out in a booth with Brad across the table. Two of their colleagues were here a minute ago, but they got up to… go to the bathroom? Grab another round? That’s a little hazy, but Michelle can feel something becoming clearer to her. Observing her own hand as she twirls the base of her latest empty across the tabletop, she asks a question.

“You like Mary Shelley, right?”

Brad, glassy-eyed but still trying to look professional with the way he has his hands folded on the surface in front of him, smiles at her. She can feel it.

“Yes. Her creativity was astounding. If I were in the running for the Miss Universe pageant—”

Michelle jerks her chin back and looks up to make a face at him.

“—and they asked me what historical figure I would most like to have dinner with, I would say Mary Shelley. Hands down.”

“Cool story, bro. Hey, Brad?”

“Mhmm.”

She can tell by his drifting gaze and expression of introspection that he’s planning out his pageant answers.

“Do you still want to sleep with me?”

That focuses his attention. He laughs uncomfortably.

“Why… why would you think that?”

“Oh, so, what’s your limit?” Michelle presses, slightly snide with the alcohol in her bloodstream. “You’re not interested in going past holding hands? Making out for no more than five minutes? Because you obviously want something,” she rambles on. “You look at me, I know you do.”

“This isn’t just an idle question, is it?” Brad asks.

He leans forward to look at her as carefully as his tipsiness will allow. As if he already knows the answer. Their thought patterns are very similar, she’s found. It’s why they’re effective at work and why it’s possible to fall into a discussion on books during their overlapping lunch hours. She likes him—not a lot, but enough to have started this conversation. She stares back at him.

“I wouldn’t say no to it,” he offers quietly, though the bar is crowded tonight and Michelle doubts their words are traveling beyond the booth.

Now, Brad’s looking at her in a way that makes her realize, all this time, he’s barely been looking at her. With the permission to think of her in this way, there’s a clear desire there, a gaze that slips again and again to her mouth. Huh. Ok. Maybe she didn’t completely think this whim through before sharing it with him. She can’t fuck that Brad. She’s been imagining the drinking companion, the nice forearms he reveals when he literally rolls up his sleeves in the field, the man who will always be a little on her nerves for flirting with her as he cradled her against him. Someone whose world she could casually rock with the assurance that they both have enough self-confidence to carry on afterwards without getting clingy or feeling disposed of.

What’s the compromise between abruptly shutting this down (her sex drive weeps) and getting in bed with a guy who will make the experience too emotionally intense?

“Have you ever had a threesome?” Michelle blurts.

“…What? No.”

“Neither have I. But I’ve been, um, wanting to try it.”

Have you? she demands of herself, wiping a damp palm on her jeans.

“You, me, and someone else?” Brad’s eyebrows are very high on his forehead. “That’s a lot of bodies, uh, coming together.”

“Come on, Brad—”

“‘Where’s your sense of adventure?’” he guesses.

“I was going to say, I thought you loved Frankenstein.”

She rounds her impulsive invitation off with a smile.

—

Michelle doesn’t volunteer to select the third person. When she considers which of her friends and acquaintances she’d be comfortable having sex with, well, there’s Brad. That already hasn’t gone the way she predicted. Everyone else she’s close to either feels like family, is in a monogamous relationship, or just isn’t attractive to her in that way. She consoles herself over putting the choice of their third into Brad’s hands with the thought that he seems like he’d be the most suspect person in a friend group (yes, they get along, but there’s something sleazy about the way he tries too hard), so whoever he asks can only be more tolerable than him.

“So, a buddy of mine said he’d be into it,” Brad says as she’s passing his desk one day. Michelle stops dead and he swivels in his chair, drumming his fingers on the armrest.

“You’re talking about…”

“Yeah.” He darts a look around, then hits her with a conspiratorial smile.

“Oh. Ok. Good. Turtles,” she says more loudly to cover for them. Her gaze darts to the nearest desk, but Jocelyn’s wearing headphones and bobbing her head as she populates a spreadsheet. Reassured, Michelle takes a step towards Brad and lowers her voice again. “What’s his name? How do you know him?”

“His name’s Peter. We play soccer together.”

“How the hell do you have time to participate in organized sports?”

“That’s what I do while you’re working your way through the New York Times Best Seller list,” Brad jokes.

“Fair. But who is this guy?”

“You want his résumé?”

“No, I want to know he’s not going to give me an STI or try anything freaky.”

“Freaky,” he echoes. “As opposed to threesomes, which are an incredibly common thing to do with your boyfriend.”

“Or your friend from work,” Michelle retorts, to keep things very clear. Brad appears fleetingly wounded. Too bad. He can say no any time, but it’s obvious that he’d rather see her naked in a threesome than the alternative. Which is never.

“Yeah, of course. Anyway, you don’t have to worry about Peter. He’s responsible, he’s single, he was raised by his aunt and they’re still really close. She comes to all our games.” He lets out a derisive sort of laugh and Michelle narrows her eyes at him.

“That’s sweet.”

“I guess,” he concedes.

“Why’s he single?” she asks, rapid-fire.

“I don’t know, because he wants to be?”

“‘Wants to be’ like he’s emotionally stable and waiting for the right person to come along or ‘wants to be’ like he’s a flake with commitment issues?”

Brad gives her a look like she’s overthinking this; it betrays an utter lack of comprehension of a woman’s perspective on relationships. The validity of her questions goes over his head.

“Why does it matter if he has commitment issues?”

“Relax,” she says, rolling her eyes. “I’m not trying to date him, it just says something about his personality. I don’t want to do this with somebody selfish, because if he’s selfish in other areas, he’s probably selfish in bed.”

“He’s a good passer,” Brad says. “On the field. He always ends the season with more assists than goals.”

“That’s… not a totally useless testimonial.”

“I appreciate your approval.”

Michelle would laugh if his tone weren’t a little too earnest. The way he really wants to impress her can be grating. Well, he’ll soon have his chance to impress her in a situation where she actually wants to be impressed.

“Get back to work, slacker,” she tells him, returning to her own desk.

Fifteen minutes later, Brad texts her with three different dates to choose from. Michelle pulls up her calendar, colour-coded with deadlines and days she’ll be working out in the woods. Taking late nights and the need for long showers into account, she picks a date, then leaves her thumb hovering over ‘Send’. She puts her phone down.

This is where she could still back out. Brad’s mentioned it to his friend, but she’s under no obligation to either of them. Would it be awkward to change her mind and see Brad at work every day? Yes, though she could always say she just wasn’t that serious about it to begin with. Which she wasn’t! For someone who’s soothed by referring to her colour-coded calendar and progressing through life with each forward step carefully considered, tossing out a suggestion to have a threesome was rash.

Michelle eyes her phone.

On the other hand, Brad likes her too much to be a dick post-ménage à trois, which, as far as she can see, is sort of an ideal trait in a threesome companion. If she were going to do this. She wheels her chair back and cranes to peer across the room at him. Focused on his screen, he brushes his black hair out of his face with a quick swipe of his hand. Damn, he is nice-looking. The kind of guy Michelle would definitely approach at a bar for a one-night stand if he flashed a smile her way. If picturing him naked intrigues her, then the idea of lying down between him and another muscled body (Brad said soccer, so she’s assuming this friend has an athletic build) while the three of them wind over and under each other like a braid definitely ticks a big ‘YES’ box in her brain. Her hand shoots out for her phone. She hits ‘Send’.

Three bodies which will, in Brad’s words, be coming together. Maybe not what Mary Shelley had in mind, but anticipating this threesome does more for Michelle’s libido than an electrified jigsaw of corpses ever could.

—

It’s a different bar, and she’s in different clothes, but otherwise, it’s not a totally foreign way for Michelle and Brad to spend their Friday evening. Provided he shows up. She darted home after work and a loaded glance at Brad, showered, and starred deep into her neglected makeup bag like it was some sort of prophetic tool. Michelle, it said to her, you don’t want lipstick smeared all over your face and eyeshadow fallout stinging your eyes. Leave it at mascara and a whole whack of waterproof eyeliner. She obeyed these wise words with trembling hands, nearly prodding herself in the eye with her mascara wand because, even with a doable task to concentrate on, she was nervous.

She adjusts her short, black skirt, rocking side-to-side on the stool. For a regular date, it’s the kind of item she would borrow from a friend, but it struck Michelle as incredibly gross to wear a friend’s skirt to a threesome and then return it to them afterwards, so she bought this one online. During work hours. Feeling incredibly furtive, though everybody dabbles in online shopping during lulls in their workload. The skirt was never a normal purchase; she knew it was going to end up right here, right now, between her ass and a barstool. She gulps the end of her whiskey and goes back to cradling the beer that’s been her emotional support as she waits for the guys.

Arriving ten minutes early has felt like an age—time stretching wretchedly like those clocks in ‘The Scream’—but she finally hears a familiar voice calling her name. Flipping her hair out of the neck of her leather jacket and grabbing her support system, Michelle turns to spot Brad’s face. He smiles and waves, stepping through the crowd that’s building steadily as the after-work drinkers are exchanged for the cutting-loose-for-the-weekend drinkers. When she slips down from the stool, her skirt rides up, and the man who is usually just a co-worker allows himself to notice. His gaze on her bare legs feels good.

“Sorry we’re late,” he says, though they both know she’s early. But Michelle will take this pleasantry over an implication that she’s overeager.

Since they were at work together only a few hours ago, she skips small talk.

“Where’s your…” Friend, she’s going to say. She doesn’t need to.

Brad—tidy in a partially unbuttoned blue shirt—angles himself towards her side, making room for the woman taking the barstool she vacated, and Michelle sees a man approaching with the two of them as his clear destination. Her first sense of him is filtered through Brad. Once, through Brad’s description, twice, through Brad’s cologne. It may be coming off her friend’s skin, but the scent clings to Peter in her brain. What she’s smelling is the woods, only more expensive somehow, like a perfume company bottled the idea of glamping. Doesn’t matter that the scent doesn’t suit him at all. He walks with his head up, eyes openly excited, and it makes her think of a schoolkid progressing through a museum’s dinosaur exhibit. All he’s missing is a backpack with straps for him to clutch. Letting her gaze skim down from his face, Michelle actually can’t picture him trying to haul on a backpack; his shoulders look broad and strong, even under the incongruous red hoodie he’s wearing.

“Oh,” he says when he sees her standing next to Brad. Under any other circumstances, she’d be taken aback by his eyes scanning the full length of her body, but she’s going to fuck this stranger tonight and when he looks back up to her face, he’s grinning. “Hey.”

“Hi,” she replies, more guarded, less forward, until Brad suggests trying to find someplace to sit and Michelle’s able to check Peter out from behind as he leads them away from the bar. Nice butt.

They snag a coveted corner spot as a small group in business attire is leaving it, settling with Brad between them. Peter makes himself useful by dashing back to the bar and returning with the fingers of one hand twined between the necks of a trio of beers and the fingers of the other slightly dipping into the liquid in a pair of tumblers.

“I didn’t know what you’d like beyond what you’re already drinking,” he says, jerking his chin towards the beer Michelle finished while he was gone.

“That’s fine,” she assures him. “I don’t want to be too… I want to be aware of…”

God, trying to discuss the imminent threesome directly is making her flustered. She has a swig from the new bottle he placed in front of her. Peter leans across Brad and offers his to clink with. Where Brad’s face is aggressively handsome in the heavy line of his eyebrows and the sharp perfection of his teeth, up close, Peter’s is cute and unintimidating.

“Here’s to being a consenting participant tonight and remembering it tomorrow,” he says.

Unintimidating, but not uncompelling, especially when he tilts his head back to drink and she can watch the line of his jaw.

Michelle blushes, but knocks her bottle against his.

Two rounds deeper for them and one for her, the heat of the bar and the alcohol in her system are getting to her. She winds her way back from the washroom and shrugs out of her jacket before sitting down. Peter manages to get the end of his sentence out, but Brad doesn’t even try to respond as he takes in the low sides of her silky top. Michelle slides closer to him than she was sitting before and puts a hand on his knee as he finally turns his head and stutters out a reply to Peter. Peter looks past him and catches her eye. Her heart’s springing up and down in her chest because she realized, staring at her reflection as she washed her hands, that, if they’re going to do this, somebody’s gotta make a move. Peter, sleeves shoved up, is staring back at her like he’s been thinking the same thing. His hand smooths over Brad’s thigh.

Under the table, Brad keeps his legs still, his feet flat on the ground. His comfort in his own skin is something Michelle’s always respected. He even succeeds in raising his glass steadily to his lips and taking another drink while Peter runs his hand higher. With a little throat-clearing, Brad parts his thighs further. She doesn’t mean to be, but Michelle’s waiting for Peter to go first. They were talking about something innocuous when he said just enough to imply that he’s never been in a threesome either. Regardless, there’s a confidence in the way he touches Brad. She trails her fingers up Brad’s thigh and Peter locks eyes with her as their gazes cross watching their friend swallow.

Suddenly, the man between them is a little less present, even with the sharp breath he takes at the moment Peter tucks his hand against his crotch. Michelle rests her hand over his. She feels his skin, lets her fingers slip through his, as Brad gasps and swells beneath Peter’s palm; she can tell—they have to change the curve of their grip to accommodate the erection. Brad’s arm curls around her waist and presses her into his side as her and Peter’s hands move together, stroking through Brad’s pants, rubbing him. He glances at her, heat in his eyes, but she’s looking at Peter again by the time she leans in and kisses Brad’s throat. She draws it out into a lick at the slack way Peter’s mouth is hanging open. Hopefully, the fall of her hair is blocking the necking from the view of other patrons, but that hope is tough to keep in mind when Peter’s tongue appears to wet his lower lip. Like she’s kissing him.

There’s a squeeze between Michelle’s thighs that has her gripping Peter’s hand more firmly, urging him to jerk Brad off faster. She glances towards Peter’s lap and he lifts his hoodie with his free hand to expose the bulge in the front of his jeans. The scent of her perfume rises as sweat trickles between her breasts. They knead Brad rapidly until he chokes out a plea for them to stop, begging to take this someplace private. She grabs her jacket in one hand and links the fingers of her other through Brad’s. Tugging him to the exit, she trusts Peter to bring up the rear.

—

Making out in the back of a rideshare is bad behaviour, so Michelle takes the passenger’s seat when the car pulls up. Because she is feeling the need to go back a step from risky under-the-table handjobs and just kiss someone. And that someone is not the friend she arranged this with. She glances at the sidemirror as they’re passing under a streetlight and Peter’s staring at her. He winks. Slowly, like she’s just looking idly around as they drive, she turns to glance into the backseat. Brad has his arm stretched out along the top the seats and his fingers have dipped into the neck of Peter’s hoodie. Michelle’s pulse accelerates just imagining the warmth of that throat. Scrambling for her phone, she sends Brad a text.

Put your fingers in his mouth.

She faces forward again for about a block, prolonging her outward nonchalance even as she hears a vibration, followed by Brad’s soft snort of acknowledgement as he reads her text. She glances around the edge of her seat and sees him act. His hand comes out of the sweatshirt to take Peter by the chin and turn his face towards him. Briefly, he inclines his head towards his friend, speaking too quietly for her to distinguish the words, but Michelle guesses it’s something about her watching because Peter’s gaze jumps to her as he opens his mouth and accepts two of Brad’s fingers. She can see him sucking as Brad withdraws, cheeks flushed. He looks to her—for approval, she thinks, until he holds his wet fingers up and curls them in the air in a highly suggestive motion. Oh shit. Michelle feels herself pressing down on the floor of the car like she’s in the driver’s seat with the accelerator under her foot.

They’re going to her place where: she’s on home turf, she knows it’s clean, she can go right to sleep after kicking them out. Also, the one luxury of her second-story apartment is the king-size bed her friends seriously, outrageously got on ladders to help her push through the sliding door of her balcony because that was easier than carrying it up the narrow staircase. Tonight, she plans to get some good use out of all those acres of mattress.

As with the hijinks in the car, she knows both men are watching her as she lets them into the building and then through her front door.

“Kitchen,” Michelle says, with a loose wave of her hand. “Living room, bathroom. And the bedroom’s at the end of the hall.”

Brad excuses himself to empty his bladder and/or psych himself up in the mirror above the bathroom sink and she’s wondering how to entertain his friend during these uncertain moments of transition when Peter basically lunges forward and kisses her. She moans into his mouth because it’s sudden but it’s good. His hands go right to her ass and her arms wrap around the back of his neck, holding him against her. With her heels, she has a handful of inches on him, but that doesn’t appear to make him pouty or daunted. It’s less than a minute, probably fewer than thirty seconds (understanding the flow of time is temporarily lost on Michelle), but they separate panting.

“You can tell Brad to stick his fingers in my mouth all you want,” Peter murmurs, still staring at her lips, “but I’ve got something I wanna to stick places too.”

“Understood.” She nudges her thigh into his groin.

“So, you guys aren’t waiting for me, huh?” Brad asks with a tight smile as he walks out of the bathroom to see Peter’s hands on her ass and her pressing back against him.

This is kind of the idea, all three of them experimenting with each other, but she can tell he’s annoyed that anything went on while he was out of the room. That he’s possibly jealous. Though it doesn’t feel right to move away from Peter, Michelle knows how to rectify this. She strides to Brad and puts her hands lightly on his chest before kissing him, more coyly than Peter kissed her. She lets Brad come down to her as he hunts out what he wants from the kiss. This feels nice too, though it has more of the familiarity of kissing a friend—even though they haven’t touched in this way before—than the bubbling lust that went with kissing Peter. As she continues, tracing her fingers to the center of his chest to stroke his skin and begin undoing his buttons, Peter comes up behind her and helps her out of her jacket. She hears her keys jingle in the pocket and tap against her phone. When his hands sneak through the sides of her shirt to run across the underside of her breasts, Michelle pushes Brad back, back, back, and the three of them stagger to her bedroom.

She and Brad make out in the dark for a while, and without light, the kissing get rougher, their breathing ragged. Once she has all the buttons of Brad’s shirt undone, she reaches back for Peter and he grips her hand tightly as he grinds his erection against her ass. They’re pressing snugly into her front and back when she thinks of things like being able to locate condoms and ogle muscles—both activities require some light. Michelle squeezes out from between them and turns her bedside lamp on, angling the shade so the light stays low. Turning to check on them, she sees one man standing there with his shirt open and dishevelled and the other rigid in the front of his jeans. Brad’s hard too—she felt it when she stood against him, but his erection’s not visible from where she’s standing now. It’s odd, seeing the space between their bodies and knowing she was just in it. But with Peter rubbing Brad’s dick at the bar and Brad clearly turned on by having Peter suck his fingers on the way here, they’ve been messing around too. Why should they pause to get her back in the middle? Stubborn and curious, Michelle crosses her arms where she stands and gives them an expectant look.

Peter reacts first; he grabs the back of Brad’s neck and stretches up to kiss him. The instant their mouths meet, Michelle understands the three of them have a problem. Trading off sexual favours, these guys are ok, but being on two sides of the same kiss makes them competitive. Fucking weekend athletes. Countering the dominant neck-grab, Brad bats Peter’s arm away and takes his face in his hands. It’s not sweet, it’s controlling. Peter’s next move is yanking Brad’s body against his by crumpling the open front of his shirt in his fists. Oops, well, alright, Michelle decides. Maybe it’s better to put herself back in the equation.

Because she has no intention of babying Brad through this experience, when she slips between them, she puts her back to him. Picturing his disappointed face, she raises her arms.

“Take her shirt off,” Peter interprets, tearing his hoodie over his head in a flurry that peels the t-shirt beneath halfway up his torso.

It’s evident in his method that Brad isn’t interested in being told what to do with her. He makes sure to drag his hands over her as he takes his time. Maybe he’s being a dick about it—that’s what the narrowing of Peter’s eyes tells her as he stares at Brad around Michelle’s head—but she’s enjoying this. There’s something about having spent so much time with Brad and those hands that has her pressing back against his erection. She’s witnessed him performing countless practical tasks, like driving the stakes for ‘Trail Closed’ signs deep into semi-frozen ground with a sledgehammer to protect new plant growth in the spring, knotting a rope leash around the waist of one of their colleagues as overkill when they wade into a pond to collect a sample, or just his impressive typing speed. (Not as many words per minute as she logs, but still.) He’s only quick when he pushes the material above her breasts and shifts his hands down quickly to cover, then massage them. She can almost hear him internally screaming at Peter that he beat him to this, only she doesn’t care. He’s tugging her nipples now and she shuts her eyes with a sigh.

“You like that?” he asks into her ear, which is when Peter loses patience for this display and removes her shirt the rest of the way himself.

Michelle retaliates by dropping her arms and edging his shirt up his stomach while Brad continues to caress her chest, now also kissing her shoulder. Though Peter lets her remove his t-shirt herself, she can add a willingness to get naked quick to the few things she knows about him; he seems like he’d be just as happy to whip all his clothes off at once as go through the foreplay of undressing each other. She remembers what he said to her in the kitchen. He has his own aspirations for tonight and the grin he gives her when she gets his t-shirt off makes her wonder what he wants and how soon she’ll be giving it to him. Michelle can’t feel any part of her resisting. It’s… surprisingly freeing.

Brad shuffles behind her, slipping out of his shirt, and her heart leaps as his chest presses to her back, skin to skin. Peter makes a grab for her crotch, but she lifts her eyebrows wryly and spins to face Brad instead.

“This fucking skirt,” she hears Peter mumble behind her as he slides his hands up her thighs to play with the hem.

It’s not exactly a sexual fantasy she’s fulfilling when she digs her fingers into Brad’s hair and combs it back, but it’s definitely a fantasy. He just has great hair. Sometimes, when she’s bored in a meeting, she’ll look over at him and feel this compulsion to run her fingers through it. She discovers that the strands feel soft and wonderful, so there’s one dream realized.

As she’s moving the palm of her hand down to cup his cheek, she shifts her head to the side, catching Brad’s eye and nodding back towards Peter.

“Kiss him nicely,” Michelle instructs.

Brad’s dark eyes bore into hers for a moment, then he breaks the stare and looks to Peter.

“Let’s go, Parker.”

Satisfied, she gets out of the way, circling behind Peter. While he’s partly distracted by the kiss (tamer than last time, by the looks of it), she rests her hands on his waist. Then, Michelle thinks, Screw it, and feels him up all over his chest, shoulders, and stomach, before wending her way down to his hips. His jeans are probably really putting pressure on his erection right now. She’ll help. After flicking the button open, she means to move away, but… plans change. She’s barely dipping the tips of her fingers below the waist of his jeans when Peter pulls away from Brad’s insistent mouth to mutter, “Well, that’s not fair.”

Instead of continuing, Michelle delights in retreating. Peter’s protesting noise is absorbed by his friend’s lips and she pats his ass before going to tease Brad. First, she guides the hand Peter has on Brad’s shoulder up into his hair so he can share her joy at how touchable it is. Then, she grazes her palms down his back. His friend’s body is dense with muscles, like somebody who goes to the gym a lot, where Brad’s is lean. Their work is a decent split between time indoors and outside, fairly physical, so she knows he has strong legs, good lungs, all the endurance he needs for the days they have to park far from a trailhead or navigate gullies. She forgot to ask what position they each play on their soccer team, but she’ll be concerned with another type of position for the foreseeable future.

To keep things even, Michelle unbuttons Brad’s pants. He makes a needful sound and goes momentarily loose between her body and Peter’s. This is not the reaction she expected from a man so socially comfortable, who apparently maintains a far better work/life balance (and, presumably, a steadier sex life) than she has lately. These noises, which continue as she works his zipper down against the push of his erection, expose him. He makes himself vulnerable. Something zinging through Michelle’s body compels her to take advantage.

She and Peter propel Brad’s co-operative body towards the bed. The guys land with a thump and continue kissing; Peter’s fingers form a gun as he angles Brad’s jaw, driving his tongue into his friend’s mouth. Michelle stares at them, breathing hard for having done nothing. Not breaking the kiss, Brad raises a hand to reach for her, but she’s quicker than that, dropping to her knees. She and the band of his underwear get along immediately—it’s easy to uncover his dick and the elastic cradles him instead of trying to snap back into place against his abdomen. Though the access with his pants still on isn’t amazing, she kisses his stomach, then the head of his cock. Up above, Brad moans.

With a smirk, Michelle repositions a little on her knees and grasps her friend’s thighs. He’s whimpering. He’s full-on whimpering. She leans in and licks slowly up his length. Her heels are already starting to bother her, so she reaches back and tugs them off one at a time. The next thing she means to do is gather her hair out of the way as she shallowly sucks Brad’s erection and strands swing forward, trying to tangle in his open zipper and stick to the saliva she’s coating him in, but Peter’s hand is there first. Still making out with Brad (she can hear it if she can’t see it), he encircles her hair in his grip and rests his fist lightly on her shoulder. Dammit. She’s a soft touch for his soft touch, closing her eyes to the sensation of his knuckles brushing her skin. This stranger is ruining the nice underwear she put on tonight.

“Please, Michelle, please,” Brad breaks free of Peter’s mouth to say.

He reaches out to hold her ribs, cup her breasts, but while he and his friend might share the field on Saturdays or whenever, they don’t seem to be on the same team tonight.

“Nope,” Peter informs him. “I get her next.”

“None of that possessive shit,” she warns.

“Can I please have you next?”

“You must be a real pain for your friends,” Michelle guesses sarcastically, letting him guide her over to his lap instead of Brad’s. (Who’s probably looking sour. She doesn’t know. Her eyes are glued to Peter’s.)

“No pain, I promise. I’ll be gentle.”

She rolls her eyes and settles in, straddling him.

“Oh my—” There is no ‘god’ because he kisses her before she can finish.

That’s his second annoying offense in seconds and she’s going to let him know. Really, she is. But he’s reminding her that he never let go of her hair by lifting it and slipping his hand against the nape of her neck to caress her skin. Michelle angles her hips and grinds up and down the swell in his jeans. Peter doesn’t mess around stroking her legs and hips, he just darts both hands beneath her skirt and traces the edges of her underwear where they curve around her thighs and narrow between them. She can feel him draw the fabric aside and gasps into his mouth, anticipating his fingers, when Brad tips the both of them over.

It’s disorienting, but they twist onto their sides and her friend scoots close behind her, so she decides she doesn’t mind.

“You’re not getting out of this,” Peter speaks quietly against her mouth when she thinks he’s about to kiss her again.

Michelle finds herself smiling, almost laughing, as he flips her skirt up and elects to take her underwear off. There’s only so much he can do like this, so she takes over, kicking them to the floor. That’s annoying offense number three; those underwear are sexy and she thought she’d be showing them off some before they hit the hardwood. Weirdly, Peter’s disregard only makes her smile broaden.

“Like I was trying,” she quips.

“Are we bantering,” Brad checks, “or are we fucking?”

“Dude, I am so sorry for the people you sleep with. Banter is an important part of the process,” Peter instructs.

“Fuck you, Parker.”

“And when you do, I guess I can’t expect any banter. I’ll adjust my expectations.”

“I’ll adjust your nose with my fist,” Brad responds in a playful tone. Michelle isn’t completely sold and she wavers, sandwiched between the two of them.

“Cool,” she says, “but actually, I am here to get laid.”

Two sets of male hands collide where her thighs are pressed together. She takes a deep breath at their enthusiasm, unable to tell whose fingers are skating along the skin just above her pubic hair and whose are subtly attempting to wedge between her legs.

“After you,” Brad says smoothly.

“Thanks, man.”

Her friend’s hands retreat a short distance and Peter insinuates one of his thighs between hers to create some space.

“This ok?” he checks, sweet face even sweeter horizontal.

“Be my guest,” Michelle says, copying Brad’s formality and reaching up and back to squeeze his shoulder so he realizes. She gets a kiss on her neck in response.

Peter’s fingers run slickly through her arousal. It’s a methodical mapping, feeling as though it’s meant to arouse her rather than him, but their eyes meet and he’s wearing an expression like he’s the one being fondled, though his erection cleaves to his abdomen, twitching under his clothes as he fingers her.

“You’re teasing me,” she points out, pulse jumping at her inner thigh.

“Am I not supposed to?”

Michelle tries to rock harder against the pass of his fingers and he moves them away with a grin and a chiding, “Ah!”

“Just give her what she wants,” is Brad’s disgruntled input.

She turns to watch as he sits up and undresses from the waist down. He gives her a smile like they’re on the same side, demonstrated by him advocating for her pleasure—something Michelle’s quite comfortable doing on her own. And yet, alright, her friend’s heart is in the right place, and it is difficult to monitor and decipher the fluctuating moods and responses of two other people, and his directive is obeyed. Peter’s fingers return and push through the wetness he helped generate, touching her entrance and gliding inside her, one finger, then two. Michelle groans deep in her throat because finally.

Brad lies down at her back again and, with Peter working her up, she fumbles behind her and grabs her friend’s ass to encourage him closer. She can feel him hard and hot against her, partly touching her rumpled skirt, partly her skin. He rubs against her and reaches an arm around, greedily squeezing her hip, then sweeping down to feel for her clit.

She’s sweating between their bodies, breathing hard and shuddering involuntarily when Brad gets his fingers positioned to trap her clit and begin gradually cracking her mind like peanut brittle. Where he’s painstaking, Peter’s exultant. He increases the pace of his fingers until they’re shuttling in and out of her. Michelle grips Brad’s wrist with one hand, Peter’s neck with the other, then switches, then moves both hands, grappling for some constancy that the part of her brain currently squashed beneath her need for satisfaction knows she’s not gonna get. Her hips are writhing in their hands as a clear goal fights its way through the fog of lust: unzip Peter’s jeans. It’s tricky, with the over- and underpass of arms, but she does it and he thanks her with a sloppy kiss that only seems to land on her mouth by miracle.

“Close,” she gasps.

Behind her, Brad groans and nips at the base of her neck, making her shake. He’s humping her quickly, pushing with his hips as he pulls back with his fingers on her clit. Good thing Peter hooks his fingers firmly inside her so he doesn’t get jostled off this ride. Good thing too that his curling motion strikes her so, so right. Michelle cries out and comes, his fingers still pumping ruthlessly inside her, Brad pinching her clit, and then coming himself; she feels the jet spurt up her back, probably some on her skirt too.

Which is why she did not borrow clothes for this threesome.

Peter’s expression is impish as he tries to keep coaxing her through the pleasure, but she pushes at his chest and he finally takes his hand away.

“Oh my god,” Michelle sighs, flopping back and half onto Brad.

“Go team,” her friend pants from beneath her.

“Yeah. You guys have some kinda cheer you do at your games?”

“Sometimes we bump chests,” Peter offers, hands suddenly on her boobs.

She twists, trying to see Brad’s face without lifting up. Her temple makes contact with his chin.

“Does your friend have an off switch?”

“If he did, I’d skip that and just pull the plug,” Brad says. He wraps an arm around her and she wiggles until he relaxes the hold, forcing him to make it less territorial.

“Aww,” Peter says, managing to cup her breasts in a perfunctory way, like he’s pushing them up to prevent under-boob sweat while she cools off post-orgasm, “you guys are bantering. I knew you could do it. Also,” he adds, “I don’t know if anyone happens to be keeping track, but I’m the only one who hasn’t gotten off.”

“That sucks, man.”

With effort, Michelle sits up and glares at Brad’s unconcerned face.

“Don’t be a dick,” she says.

“Yeah, Brad,” Peter joins in.

Shaking her head, she puts her back to her friend and checks Peter’s face for her go-ahead. He nods in rapid approval, so she grips the waist of his open jeans and pulls down while he lifts his ass from her bed. Fuck, the three of them never even got under the sheet. Then again, it’s easier to be mobile above it. Plus, it’s an extra layer between her expensive mattress and the fluid drying on her spine.

Because Peter doesn’t seem like the kinda guy who cares to be undressed layer by layer, Michelle doesn’t striptease herself with taking off his clothes slowly. At some point, he kicked his shoes away, meaning it’s straightforward to yank the boxers and jeans down his legs. Her intention is to remove them completely. He doesn’t seem to have a hell of a lot of regard for her intentions.

“That’s far enough, I swear,” he says, when she has his jeans around his shins. “I’m good. Nike time. Just do it.”

“Just do what exactly?” Michelle asks indulgently. She rests a hand on his naked thigh and tries not to stare openly at his dick, red as a slap.

“Anything. Whatever you want. Brad says you’re multitalented.”

Brad rolls over lazily to glare at Peter.

“What the hell, Parker? Don’t make it sound like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like I talk about Michelle like that!”

“I get it,” she says, cutting him off. Please shut up, Peter, she thinks. “You talk to him about work. You appreciate me as a co-worker.”

“That’s definitely why I’ve heard so much about you,” Peter agrees provokingly. “Because he appreciates you as a co-worker.”

“You know what?” Brad bites out.

“What?”

Michelle rolls her eyes and opts to terminate this snippy little back and forth by grasping Peter’s cock and bending over to wrap her lips around the head. That shuts both of them up. Thank god, some fucking peace.

He emits a deep groan of approval and weaves his fingers into her hair, slightly bucking his hips. As she sinks to take him deeper, she hears another groan—hoarse with an entirely different emotion—coming from Brad. She doesn’t stop. If he has something to say, he can damn well use his words. Michelle clutches the inside of Peter’s muscular thigh and sucks as she starts to withdraw only to plunge him farther into her mouth. Peter’s hand finds hers and tangles their fingers together next to his hip, catching some of the sheet in his grip too. The gesture dizzies her heart.

While he’s seeing god, Brad’s apparently seeing red, because he taps, then tugs, at her shoulder, until she pulls off of Peter and shoots her friend an impatient look.

“What?”

“I’ll do that,” he says, nodding towards Peter’s straining, saliva-slicked erection.

“Somebody better fucking do it,” Peter says in the tragic tone of an established sufferer. They ignore him for the moment.

“You want to?” Michelle asks skeptically.

When Brad averts his eyes from hers, she realizes that, no, he doesn’t want to, he just doesn’t enjoy watching her blow Peter. She wavers, wondering if she should cancel tonight halfway through. Maybe that would be sacrificing what she wants for the self-esteem of these two men, but they’re just so goddamn annoying. They’re supposed to be friends and they’re acting like rivals. Michelle doesn’t owe loyalty to either of them, she’s nobody’s girlfriend, and yet she’s getting the feeling that she needs to pick a side. Even a novice like her can tell this isn’t the way a threesome’s meant to go. If they were worse at this, she might be able to walk away.

Abruptly, Brad kisses her, then nudges her gently aside as he drops to his elbows to pick up where she left off. Peter draws a fraying breath. Well, either these two aren’t combative enough to present her with an ultimatum, or they just want to get laid as badly as she does. If Brad bites Peter or some shit though, she’s throwing them both out and leaving the necessary medical care in their hands. Michelle will not be responsible for these men and their egos.

Peter tweaks her fingers, their hands still clasped. She leans in close to observe his heavy breathing and the way his hair’s sticking to his sweaty forehead.

“I still want you,” he whispers. The words are like static shock, like a finger tracing unexpectedly down her neck. “And you better be quick because I think Brad thinks he’ll get extra points for speed.”

He gasps, eyes rolling back, and Michelle instinctively cups his neck, running the pad of her thumb along his throat. She doesn’t glance over at Brad; hearing the frantic wet noises paints a sufficiently informative picture.

“You think you can concentrate while he’s doing that?”

“Totally.” Immediately, a desperate, guttural croak leaves Peter’s lips.

“You sure?”

“No, but I still want to put my tongue inside you and that should count for—uhhh!—something.”

“Such as?” she asks with a wry smile, straightening her legs out so she can remove her unspeakably defiled skirt.

“Hell if I know, my concentration was pretty shitty to begin with.”

“Center yourself,” Michelle says in the calm, instructive tone of a yoga tutorial as she levers herself over his chest and rests her ass lightly on the hard planes of his pecs.

“Brad,” Peter begs, “cut me some slack for one fucking minute, dude.”

“One minute, huh?” she teases.

“Are you doubting me?”

“Peter Parker, I don’t even know you.”

But, somehow, she’s beaming down at him as her hair falls around her shoulders. For an instant, he looks completely focused on her and not the sound of Brad switching from giving him head to pumping him in a fist (his version of slack-cutting, evidently). Peter eyes her from her face down to where her legs are spread above his body. Then back to her face.

“I’d like for you to.”

Her teasing expression softens. She parts her lips to respond and he wrenches her forward, onto a mouth that opens at once. He licks up into her, then keep his tongue tensed and prods her clit back and forth. Michelle curls into herself, thighs suddenly snug against the sides of his head, fingers locked in his hair.

This is, perhaps, the single event within the larger experience that sells her on threesomes. Peter’s mouth feels incredible on its own (like he’s fusing the peanut brittle shards of her mind back together again and going too far, melting them into goo), but the intermittent moaning that leaves it due to Brad’s contribution down below means Michelle’s riding something that licks, sucks, and vibrates. She’s a mess. Tilted forward, she’s nearly crying out to plant her hands on the bed and just grind across Peter’s tongue, but the hand not hold hers has her hip in a formidable hold and she can’t reach far enough to be comfortable. Each time she thinks to force her eyes open and check his face to make sure he’s enjoying this as much as she is (and still breathing), Peter’s eyelids are flickering as he absorbs the combined pleasure of taking from Brad and giving to Michelle. She’s shaking and trying not to get too rough with him, smoothing a hand over the hair she’s been practically pulling out at the roots. Peter counters with a quick smack to her ass before seizing her hip again. Fine, she won’t be nice.

Michelle shifts and rolls her clit against the tip of his nose. It positions her entrance above his wide-open mouth and he slides his tongue thickly back inside her. The sound of him tongue-fucking her is graphic. He loses his rhythm and gets even more aggressive with his mouth—she figures he’s close to release. Peter groans and arches his neck and chin up when he finishes, so she lifts swiftly away, hating to do it, aching and slippery.

She throws herself off of him, collapsing back onto her elbows with her thighs quivering. Dazedly, she observes Brad hurrying from the room with his lips clamped together (not a swallower then—the things she’s learning about her friend tonight). Peter’s lying there, spent. With her emotions high, their tableau causes her to despair. It’s over. It’s all over. One of them’s too wiped to carry on, the other’s just finished giving oral and won’t want to return just to bring her to orgasm. Michelle lets her head hang back and swipes two fingers over her clit, catching it and adding pressure on the upstroke.

Peter rolls over like he’s risen from the dead.

“You don’t—” she begins, but then he’s there, between her quaking knees, suctioning his mouth to her and using his tongue to fiddle around with her clit. His arms are limp and heavy as they hold her thighs down and open. Any energy he has is converted into strokes and twirls, from there into her overwhelmed sobs. Brad walks back in to Michelle yelling, “Peter, fuck!” as she climaxes with her head thrown back and his pressed insistently into her groin by her stiff hand. When Brad comes to sit on the bed, Peter’s leg kicks out and catches him right in the stomach. The kick drives him off the mattress and onto the floor with a thud.

Michelle scrambles away from Peter, to the edge of the bed, as Brad stands and starts putting his clothes on, his back to her.

“Are you going?”

She sees Brad’s shoulders rise and fall as he sighs, but he doesn’t answer her. Once he’s dressed from the waist down, he lifts his shirt from the floor with a swish and slips his arms in as he walks back out of the room. Uh oh. Michelle glances to Peter who appears maddeningly unsurprised. She yanks at the bedsheet until he moves off of it, but touches her wrist as she wraps it hastily around herself to chase after their friend.

“I’m sorry if I wrecked this for you,” he says.

“No.” She shakes her head. “He wanted tonight to be something it was never going to be and I thought, when he invited you, that he could handle it, but… I gotta go talk to him.”

“I think I’m already lucky he didn’t jump up and break my nose, so I better stay here.”

“Alright.”

Michelle almost stumbles trying to keep the end of the sheet off the floor, but she gets to Brad while he’s still buttoning his shirt, patting his pockets to check for wallet, phone, keys, maybe the little Swiss Army knife he carries because it always comes in handy eventually.

“Brad,” she says, cautious in cotton and bare feet.

He cuts a look at her with his dark eyes.

“Better not,” he suggests.

“You’re really leaving?”

“Do you need me to stay?”

She hesitates, leaning away from him slightly at the question.

“Well, it was supposed to be—”

“No,” he interrupts. “Do you need me to stay?”

His eyebrow twitches with everything he’s suppressing: hurt, hope, jealousy. Brad’s smart, he knows the answer, but he still ventures forward with grave determination, the way he’d lead a group of their colleagues down a forest deer path that may or may not be crossed with poison ivy. But Michelle is not something for him to sweep clear and overcome.

“We can only be friends, Brad,” she tells him, straight and honest. “That doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy doing this with you…”

He grins ironically, giving her a glimpse of his bright, perfect teeth.

“Please. You two were shutting me out before Parker booted me in the stomach.”

She doesn’t really have a defense for that. They might have touched Brad, grabbed him, licked and kissed him, but none of that compared to how she felt whenever Peter took her hand. She’s actually a little scared to walk back into her bedroom and face that.

“He didn’t mean to,” Michelle asserts awkwardly. Brad lifts his eyebrows. “Probably,” she qualifies. He nods tiredly.

“If he tells you I was a dick to him after our next game…”

“What makes you think I’ll still be in contact with him then?” Brad gives her a look and she frowns, chastened. “I’ll believe him,” she says instead, “and I won’t blame you.”

“This sucks,” he admits, smiling tightly at the floor.

“Can I get you a glass of water for the road? Transit fare?”

“I’d actually rather get out of here and begin the process of trying to forget what Peter’s dick looks like close up as soon as possible.”

She says nothing to champion the dick in question. That would be cruel.

“This was… something I hope we can laugh about someday,” Brad says, and quickly kisses her cheek.

“I’ll—” they say together.

“—text you tomorrow.”

“—see you on Monday,” Michelle says. “Oh. Uh…”

“Space,” he says, understanding.

“Probably good for right now.”

“Yeah.”

When he leaves, she locks the door and bangs her forehead against it. Fuck. She’s going to have to get a new job, isn’t she? Walking in to spot his heartbroken face every day is more than she wants to deal with. Their initiative has a bigger office downtown, not the outpost-like space they work out of. She can apply there. Probably should’ve ages ago, when she started outgrowing the place she’s at. She’ll miss traipsing around outside the city, having to check her legs for ticks, her hair for spiders, and her arms for dead-branch-inflicted scratches deep enough to require infection-preventative measures, but she can buy some fucking plants. Start a garden in her windowsill. Hike on the weekends. Regain some of that thankless grant application time by devoting it to projects more clout will actually allow her to push forward. Be the chooser instead of the beggar.

Michelle laughs at herself, faintly tipsy and two orgasms deep, standing alone in her entryway in a poor man’s frat party toga.

She gets herself the glass of water she offered Brad. She pees with her goddamn adult white sheet scrunched up in her lap like a bride’s dress on her wedding day. She strides back to the bedroom and drops the sheet at the door.

“Hello,” Peter says, perking up.

“Hello yourself.” The man is stark naked and unashamed. “You’ve been, what, chilling?”

“I also eavesdropped.”

“You’re a loser.”

“I’m the loser you haven’t kicked out of your apartment,” he points out. His gaze slips naturally to her chest as she climbs onto the bed on her knees and takes a seat beside his prone body.

“Why is that?”

She asks rhetorically, but Peter either doesn’t pick up on that or ignores it. She kinda likes that about him. Where Brad tries so hard with her, Peter leaves her room to try a little too.

“You like me.”

“Unfortunately, that is possible.”

“Unfortunately? Give me back those orgasms I gave you then,” he demands.

“Orgasm,” Michelle corrects, emphasizing the singular. “The first one was assisted. You can’t take full credit.”

“Bullshit.”

She shakes her head but Peter grabs the back of her knee, pulling her forward, stretching her out, until she’s on her back, laughing, and he’s hovering over her, inches from a kiss that she really, really wants to receive. Strange.

“Is not,” she tells him flatly.

“Then I’m earning that plural.”

“Oh yeah?”

Instead of kissing her or lowering himself down onto her or otherwise touching her in any way at all, Peter leaves. Michelle sits up and looks after him, baffled.

“Where are your washcloths?” he shouts from the bathroom 30 seconds later. A laugh bursts out of her.

“Tall cabinet next to the shower!”

She listens to him running water in the sink. Laughs again when he returns at a run.

“Flip over!” Peter says wildly.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Come on, while it’s still hot. It’ll feel nicer.”

Michelle rolls her eyes and maneuvers onto her stomach. He washes her back with the warm cloth. He washes her back. She folds her arms under her head and pillows her cheek on them, candidly observing him. In a practical sense, Peter’s wiping away what Brad left behind, and buying himself time to get hard again, she’s certain. But it doesn’t all feel like practicality. Not when every pass of the cloth is so careful, or when Peter makes another sprinted trip to the bathroom to heat it up for her, or when he’s lying down alongside her by the end, beginning to lightly kiss her clean skin.

“I don’t understand you,” she hears herself confess.

“I’m an enigma,” he agrees. Michelle snorts.

“I do like you though.”

“Called it.”

He chucks the damp, cooling washcloth over the side of her bed and she glares at him.

“This room has wood floors. Which I pay for. As a feature of this apartment.”

“It’s not on the floor, it’s on my jeans.”

“So, it’s soaking into your jeans right now? That’s convenient for you.”

“Is it?” Peter asks vaguely. His hand is rubbing back and forth very low on her back.

“I’m assuming you’re not planning to get back into wet jeans tonight and make your way home.”

“I would if you asked me to,” he swears, giving her puppy-dog eyes.

“Are you forcing me to say this out loud?”

A winning smile. She sighs in exasperation and turns onto her side, propping her head up with her hand.

“Peter, would you like to stay over?”

“Do you want that?”

“You’re a pain,” she says for the second time. Peter continues smiling, waiting. Michelle takes a deep breath and keeps her eyes on his, not letting her gaze drift around the apartment that is nice but lonely, tranquil but lifeless. It has life with this surprising person in it. “I want that.”

He shuffles close to her with a grin.

“I want that,” he says, brushing his lips across hers.

“Mmm,” Michelle agrees. Her eyelids fall. She parts her lips for his tongue. His hand fits into the curve of her waist and slips over to touch her back. His thickening erection nudges her mons, then her abdomen as he swells against her. Her moan skips and drags and Peter clutches at her more purposefully, tipping her onto her back.

“Condom,” she remembers, and points him to the box tucked out of sight. Discrete for the fact that she bought it for use in a threesome with a work friend and a total stranger.

Peter holds up her copy of Frankenstein, resting beneath the box.

“You a fan?” he asks, returning it to its place and tearing open the wrapper on the condom.

“I’ve read it twice, but I think I prefer Dracula.”

“Aw, I’m a wolfman guy,” Peter offers. He puts the condom on like it’s a sock or a baseball cap; there’s definite familiarity there. And Michelle doesn’t care. “Dracula and Frankenstein’s monster are creepy, sure, but the wolfman is two different people: the regular guy and then this creature in the shadows during the full moon. I don’t know, I think there’s something really cool about that. You ever watch the old Lon Chaney movies?”

Ok, she more than likes him. She likes him quite a lot. Smiling, Michelle shakes her head.

“Well,” he says, but he stops talking then. There’s a depth to the look in his eyes as he gazes at her. She lets him in and stands as horizontal witness to his existence in blinks and breaths and the pound of his heart she can almost feel from here.

“Why don’t you get the light?”

Click.

In the dark, it’s less of a performance, not that Peter doesn’t clearly intend to perform. Michelle’s eyes rest without the light and she breathes deeply as Peter comes over her and kisses her neck. Her eyes are still adjusting while he takes a meandering route down her chest, pressing his mouth harder against her breasts. He licks across her nipple; she scratches her nails up the back of his neck and into his hair. When she lets out the smallest huffing sound of enjoyment, he cups his hand between her thighs, skates a finger along her entrance. As if she wouldn’t be wet. As if the foreplay didn’t start the minute he walked back in with that warm cloth and draped it across her back.

“Any specific requests?” he asks, lifting his head from her chest. She can see his face now. Enough light gets in around the edges of her blinds. She runs her fingers through his loosely curling hair, then arches her body up against his.

“Don’t be gentle.”

Michelle feels the eager tremor of his hand against her inner thigh as he lines himself up and eases inside her. His breathing catches. She tilts her hips and raises her knees from the bed, urging him in, farther, all the way. Peter withdraws and she’s assuming he’ll build up to what she asked for, but he slams back in. Though she clenches her teeth around the sensation of him filling her so hard and so well, a whine escapes.

“You’ve been waiting for this,” she acknowledges, accuses, admires.

He pauses, hands planted to either side of her on the bed.

“Like I said, I’ve heard a lot about you. I’ve been waiting for this since I convinced Brad to tell me your name.”

She wants to think and hide and hold him close, but she can reflect later. He seems to agree. Peter’s thrusts are rough and rhythmic. Pounding into her like a machine one minute, he’ll be playfully grabbing her wrists and licking her neck the next. When she tightens her legs around him, he lets her change their positions, only to haul her beneath him again—on her stomach this time—as he rocks in and out and wedges his hand under her to rub her clit. They chase each other across her mattress and Michelle comes clawing at her pillow, invigorated by the certainty that this is the best time she’s ever had in bed. Peter bites her earlobe as he snatches one of her scrabbling hands and spills into the condom.

He doesn’t help her remake her bed with clean sheets because he claims to be “bad at it.” She’s debating the potential truth of that when he returns with a bowl of popcorn after leaving her alone to do it herself, joins in, and somehow puts a lavender pillowcase on inside out. Michelle sets it right with a laugh and they get back in bed together, popcorn and her laptop playing Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man between them.

She slips away to shower after Peter falls asleep with his head on her lap. When she gets back, she quietly removes the bowl and the laptop. The bed’s a king—she’s used to her space and she doesn’t need to sleep close to him—but Michelle squirms into the warmth his body radiates. He stirs enough to breathe in the scent of her hair, kiss her forehead, and thrust his hand into hers. Confused by the gesture, she frowns at his face, with its softly closed eyes.

“By the way,” Peter mumbles, shaking her hand, “nice to meet you.”

Michelle smiles and pats his arm as he drops it over her, instinctively pulling her close.

[rowanthestrange]

Doctor Who Meta: Cyberium AI Meta Masterpost

@grassangel​ said: A thought for you because of your meta: the Cyberium as the fluid in the opening credits.

It definitely does have a resemblance, doesn’t it. And that fits in with the Chibs style of ‘if you think it’s odd/wrong it probably serves a bigger purpose’.

The Cyberium AI is weird as hell. It’s clearly really important, not just as a plot device, but as itself. It’s got characterisation. It’s got a mirror important enough to be in the first episode - Tzim-Sha’s Gathering Coil, the first thing this Doctor ever faces.

And it mirrors the Doctor and Timeless Child’s ‘Power’. I mean it really mirrors them. To the point where, like with the Lone Cyberman and Rassilon, I’m not sure if it’s mirroring the character ridiculously heavily, or if it just straight up is the character. Just like working out Clara was going to be the Doctor with a TARDIS - I knew the result but I didn’t know what form it would take, literally the character or not, until the end. Cus that’s Doctor Who and its shapeshifting for you.

You know how my preferred method is to just point out all the metas as I see them, so you can draw your own conclusions if they’re different to mine, but I will actually put my thoughts as to what this all means at the end.

So click below for every bit of Cyberium AI meta from not just Series 12, not even just Series 11...but all the way back to Season 25)

(Under a cut because there was so much more than I thought there was)

In episode order then:

The Woman Who Fell To Earth

(The Gathering Coil as double-layer, mirroring the Cyberium AI’s role itself; but also therefore as its Doctor character mirror, and Timeless Child ‘Power’ mirror)

-See the title of the episode. The title with at least three references now.

-It crashes into a train when we meet it. A few moments before the Doctor does.

-“What are you? Okay, you don't like questions. More the private type, I get that.”

-Its data is absorbed into the Rassilon-mirror Tzim-Sha.

-In doing so also implants into him - and I quote the Doctor - “Micro-implants which code to your DNA. On detonation, they disrupt the foundation of your genetic code, melting your DNA.” Sound familiar?

-It’s being used - against the laws of the user’s species - in order to attain leadership. (Like Rassilon/Tecteun)

-Looks like one creature but is actually a huge number in the appearance of one. (The Doctor).

-The Gathering Coil might look like an Eldritch horror, but it never actually kills anyone on purpose. When it first shows up, the woman driving the train dies from shock, (“Shock” get it? Like...) Grace dies in an attempt to stop it by electrocuting it. The most damage it itself deliberately does, is short-circuit a crane.

----

The Haunting Of Villa Diodatti:

(Heavily as Timeless Child ‘Power’ mirror(?))

-The Lone Cyberman confirms the Cyberium AI to be both a lifeform and ‘weapon of some kind’. Like the Ux.

-We meet it already inside Doctor-mirror Percy Shelley - suicidal, social activist, and a great believer in the importance of society having Hope even if not so good at it himself. He is not trying to use its powers, but as Guardian of them doesn’t want others to take and abuse them. The word ‘Guard’ is also used by Mary in regards to the child. (And we could leave this episode and say how Irish Metaphor Doctor was a ‘Garda’ but you get the point).

-It hides in a house that appears to warp and change and shield and use a perception filter - theorised to be the Cyberium AI warping the perceptions of people in the building, even though none of them are remotely Cyber in any way. Shelley says directly only some of the changing is his doing. On a practical level, it must have strong telepathic abilities - like the Doctor. On a meta level, it hides itself in a place that mirrors a TARDIS.

-The Doctor can’t find it at first because it’s “hidden away, cloaked, too big to register.” Like the Timeless Child memories.

-The Doctor seemingly genuinely didn’t know what it was a minute ago, when she was asking Ashad what it was. But now suddenly she does know: “Cyber technology. The knowledge of the whole cyber race and AI from the future, containing the knowledge and future history of all Cybermen”. Almost as if she’s remembered.

-This next bit’s important and connected so we’ll just do the whole lot and break it up afterwards:

Percy: “They scorched and split the sky. Built the army of all armies. Left behind only pain, rage, fear and death.” Mary: “How is he seeing all this?” The Doctor: “The Cyberium is burning through his mind. It'll destroy him if it stays in him much longer. An epic battle. The Cyberium at the heart of it, controlling data, strategy, decision-making. Clever! Very clever. Someone took it from the Cybermen, sent it back through time here in an attempt to change the future.” *The Lone Cyberman tries to break in* The Doctor: “In an attempt to protect you from that.”

-Like Donna with the Doctor’s memories, this is burning Percy up. -An epic Battle, like with the Ux - a great battle referenced and not explained. The Cyberium AI instead of the Ux at the heart of it, used to fight it. (If anyone’s still assuming the Timeless Child(ren) thing was simply about regeneration power, there should be more focus on the Division and the Child as weapon). -The Doctor again coming in with extra information. -Possible Future Meta: Someone attempted to change the future by taking the source of power from the Rassilon (see the mirror).

-Thirteen tells the Doctor-mirror to just let the Rassilon-mirror have the power. (Reminds me of how the Timeless Child ‘would not yield any secrets’). But the Cyberium AI has been sending Shelley (Doctor-mirror) symbols and numbers. So Possible Future Meta: It wasn’t just the regeneration power Rassilon got from the Timeless Child, it was also information. (Of course - the Doctor, especially this one meant to mirror all this, is the Builder And Destroyer, after all)

-We confirm the Cyberium AI’s own sentience, separate from its host, (and its reluctance to leave). It changes the mental map of the house specifically to avoid the Lone Cyberman.

-The Lone Cyberman believes the host must be killed in order to get the power out. Mary Shelley immediately talks to the Lone Cyberman about fatherhood, and how he doesn’t want to do this. (Rassilon/Tecteun)

-The Doctor convinces the Cyberium AI to leave by showing it Percy’s future. (The mercury-like substance exits Percy quite like the poison with Ten. Given the amount of Ten-era-mirroring, this one’s cute).  (Possible Future Meta: The Doctor meeting Timeless Child self, like with Martin!Doctor).

-The Cyberium AI goes to the Doctor, who calls herself its “true Guardian”. Says it feels “Very at home”. Going with how she seemed to remember what it was without ever being told earlier...

-The Doctor, when her friends and the planet is at risk, decides to give it over the the Lone Cyberman, and the Cyberium works with her in a way it refused to with Shelley, meaning she didn’t need to die, even though she says it had already started fusing.

-Next after the Doctor-mirror/Doctor, the power enters the Rassilon-mirror.

-(Yaz restarts the Doctor-mirror’s heart. That’s not important to this meta, but it sure is important to other ones).

-We talk about ghosts just as we enter the Ghost Monument.

----

Ascension Of The Cybermen:

(Both as Doctor mirror and Timeless Child Power mirror)

-Cyberium!Ashad says “The Cyberium does know you. Both you and humanity will be destroyed, and I shall bring the Cyber race to its greatest ever glory.” - the Cyberium AI has already seen the Doctor’s death before. Or it’s lying.

-The Doctor’s blatantly obvious talking-to-herself therapy speech is to Cyberium!Ashad.

“The Cyberium has given me understanding. It has distilled my purpose. I am the perfect vessel.” - A container, a ship for the Cyberium AI.

“Everything is in me for the ascension of the Cybermen, and beyond. ... All your deaths. The death of everything is within me.” - First, mirrors the ‘life’ within the Timeless Child. Second, considering before this was previously an AI trying to avoid conflict and entering Ashad, the fact that Ashad and his death particle gets convinced to go to the Master and Gallifrey, makes me wonder how much the Cyberium AI was forced to go along because that’s its nature and it has to follow instructions, or whether it was planning and pulling the strings. Or both - TARDIS-style.

----

The Timeless Children:

(Heavily as Doctor mirror, minorly Timeless Child Power mirror)

-“Oh. Oop. Excuse me. Check my notifications. Oh, goodie! The Cybermen are here, at the Boundary. Better extend the hand of friendship. Breaker 1-2 calling all Cybes.” So the Master knew that the Cybermen would come. How? They haven’t interacted from our perspective at all.

-The Master says to Cyberium!Ashad “I want you to think of me as your new best friend.”

-Master to the Doctor: “Don't heckle, dear. I can always decide to cut you short.” -Master to Cyberium!Ashad: “Oh, shoot. I should've said, somebody needs to cut you down to size, then zapped you. I was just trigger-happy. I'll use it next time.” (Plus, a ‘next time’ - we haven’t seen the last of him).

-The Cyberium AI is revealed to have been the one to create the Death Particle. Which again makes me question who’s pulling whose strings. As the Master points out Ashad is more organic than most, and Ashad simply says that he’ll mechanise when the process is over - ignoring the point that this didn’t work before. And Ashad seems to think it will wipe out everything, ignoring the reality that its coverage is only a single planet.

-The Master is clearly talking to the Cyberium more than Ashad at points.

Ashad: “The Cyberium will process and dictate the strategy.” The Master: “The Cyberium. I've heard a lot about that over the millennia. The heart of all your power. The centre of all Cyber knowledge.” -Sounds very like the other Timeless Child(ren) mirror - the Ux.

-The Master actively flirts with it. “Oh, come on, Cyberium, show us some leg. What do you actually look like, hmm?” And after shrinking Ashad without so much as a close-up, like he’s been nothing to the plot, “Well, aren't you pretty? And fast. You made your exit very swiftly there. Worried, were you?”

-The Master hoped the Death Particle would activate and laments to the Cyberium AI that his “nice little gamble” didn’t pay off - as in it didn’t kill him. (Assuming Timeless Children plural, that may be the only thing that would work, and that he is telling this to the Cyberium AI again could fit nicely with the narrative idea that it knows what it’s doing).

-“Oh, sorry, were you close? Candidly, I think you can do better.” ... “Wow, that was quick. Wa-ha-ha! Whoa! Woohoo! At least buy me... dinner!” - (And considering we all had a giggle at the clearly intentionally funny ‘a piece of you is in me’ line that’s going to happen either in about a minute, or in the world of the episode and making adjustments for simultaneous storytelling, right now...)

-“I ransacked the Matrix of the Time Lords, distilled all the knowledge, all the experiences, all the discoveries, into these brains up here. All the Cyber knowledge, all the Time Lord knowledge. Put it together, what do you get? Absolute supremacy in the universe. Choose me.” - (The Master pointing out we’ve now got two sets of incredible knowledge. Rule of three has me wondering about the Timeless Child’s ‘Knowledge’.)

-After the power was originally in the Doctor-mirror/Doctor, it then went to the Rassilon-mirror(?) and then to the Master. If you’re a fan of Timeless Children Plural theory.

-The Master: “No, Doctor. As of now, I wish my enemies a long and healthy life, so they may witness my many triumphs, because they will be legion.” - (So, in case you’re not familiar with the Legion thing, two points: A Legion was a division in the Roman army of about 3000-6000 men. We will be coming back to Rome - oh God will we - but just slot that information away for later. Point two - For another use of Legion, we need to head to the Bible, Mark 5:1-9. ‘Who cares, Rowan?’ Well, this is the story in which there is a man living among tombs, who no-one can bind, not even with chains. He cries out and attacks himself, and on seeing Jesus in the distance rushes over and kneels before him, screaming that he’d put him under oath not to torment him. Jesus doesn’t talk to him, but to what is possessing him, ordering it to come out, and asking its name. And it, not the man replies: “I am Legion, for we are many.” (Fun fact, we eventually get rid of the demons by exorcising them into animals who then run off...a...cliff. *sighs* Ok.)

The Doctor: “You're looking peaky.” The Master: “Oh, yeah. The Cyberium lives in me now, Doctor. Yeah. Yes. See, I've been looking forward to seeing your face about that. I can feel it flowing around in me. The information, the strategy, the... the... the consciousness. It's a beautiful thing. And look at us. I have broken you and created a new race. And now? Now I shall conquer... everything. Oh.”

-“See, I've been looking forward to seeing your face about that.” - This is a quiet point that exemplifies a major one. The Master’s story is different to ours. He knows things that we do not. The Doctor in theory (though I doubt in practice) had never come across the Cyberium AI before, she hasn’t mentioned its name or anything about it to the Master. In theory (again press x) the Lone Cyberman carrying the Cyberium AI just turned up when the Master dragged the Doctor through to Gallifrey as pure happenstance, he should know nothing about that incident with the AI and Shelley (and yet he quotes him). Why has he been looking forward to seeing her face in regards to that? What does he know about it that he expects her to remember? Just like with the Timeless Child infodump, we are fools if we take all this at face value, because the Master planned for all of this. And it seems like the Cyberium AI _itself_ is planning too.

Ko Sharmus: “You didn't start this. I did. I was part of a resistance unit that sent the Cyberium back through time and space. Though obviously we didn't send it back far enough. So this is my penance. Mine to finish. My journey ends here. But the universe still needs you, so I suggest you run.” (Ko Sharmus is treated way too important. We’ve got to see him again.)

----

Done? Done.

Well no, no actually we’re not. Because there is one final episode.

But we have to go back, just a little bit, to the Seventh Doctor. Stick with me. I promise you’ll be glad you did.

Silver Nemesis:

-A story revolving around a thing called Validium.

-To quote the TARDIS Wiki: “It was living metal that could think for itself and was capable of speech as well. When destroyed, it could reform itself.”

The Doctor: “Validium was created as the ultimate defence for Gallifrey, back in early times.” Ace: “Created by Omega?” The Doctor: “Yes.” Ace: “And?” The Doctor: “Rassilon.” Ace: “And?” The Doctor: “And none of it should have left Gallifrey. But, as always with these things, some of it did.”

-Catch that hint of the Cartmel Masterplan where it’s clearly meant to lead you to ‘And? The Other One’. It’s ok, you’re not reading too far into it, I promise.

-“It should never have left Gallifrey, but some of it did. A piece of validium fell to Earth and was found by the Lady Peinforte.” Can you guess what she did with it? Why, she moulded it into a statue of herself.

-A silver lady statue.

-(You remember how we just seemed to abandon Barton? Who is somewhat not human? Was involved with creatures from another dimension? And that statue? Seemed set-up for a cyber plan? Saw nothing wrong with a bit of familial murder? Ooh hoo. Welp.)

-Nazis are involved. Ill-timed notifications. The Doctor forgetting. A cellar. (A fez). A meteorite containing the validium crashes by a barn. On November the 23rd. Happy Birthday. We blow things up. A lot of things.

-The villains of the piece? Besides the nazis and the Time(travelling) Lady? Well it could only be the Cybermen. A bit of the Validium is held by each of them

-The Cybermen take their bit of the Validium to the tomb of the Lady, with an inscription “Death Is But A Door”. The Lady is not buried there, and it doubles as a pun, with a hidden door.

-One of the lead nazis betrays his fellow to be turned into a Cyberman. “Supermen are all very well, but the giants are the master race.”

-The Seventh Doctor is mirrored with the Lady, who describes herself as evil. They even have mirrored scenes with their equivalent companions.

-The Lady: “All power, all power past, present and future, shall be mine. Why, I shall be mistress of all of that is, all that shall be, all that ever was. Yes, all! All!” - Oh, doesn’t she sound familiar now...

-Point Of Interest: Like many of the concepts Chibs has been playing with from Classic Who - the Morbius Doctors, almost certainly the Valeyard - this was apparently a fairly controversial episode among the old guard. Why? Because well...

The Validium: “I am beautiful, am I not?” Ace: “Yes. You're very beautiful.” The Validium: “It is only my present form. I have had others which would horrify you. I shall have those again. You are surprised I speak?” Ace: “I know you're living metal.” The Validium: “I am whatever I am made to be. This time Lady Peinforte called me Nemesis, so I am retribution.”

-I mean this is all cute but it doesn’t explain why it’s here and-

The Validium: “And I'm to destroy the entire Cyberfleet?” The Doctor: “Forever.” The Validium: “And then?” The Doctor: “Reform.” The Validium: “You might need me in the future, then?” The Doctor: “I hope not.” The Validium: “That is what you said before.” The Doctor: “Enough.” The Validium: “And after this, will I have my freedom?” The Doctor: “Not yet.” The Validium: “When?” The Doctor: “I told you when.” The Doctor: “Things are still imperfect.”

-Oh well that’s...Hmm.

Lady Peinforte: “You are nothing. Only the Doctor matters, and he is but a pawn in the game of my making.” ... Ace: “The Doctor's not just going to give you the bow. Tell her, Doctor. Tell her.” Lady Peinforte: “Doctor who? Have you never wondered where he came from, who he is?” Ace: “Nobody knows who the Doctor is.” Lady Peinforte: “Except me.” Ace: “How?” Lady Peinforte: “The statue told me.” Ace: “All right, so what does it matter? He's a Time Lord, I know that.” Lady Peinforte: “Well, Doctor?” The Doctor: “If I give you the bow,” Lady Peinforte: “Your power becomes mine, but your secrets remain your own.” ... Lady Peinforte: “I shall tell them of Gallifrey, tell them of the old time, the time of chaos.” ... The Doctor: “You had the right game, but the wrong pawn. Check.”

-What used to be the Cartmell Master plan is now the Timeless Child Master...plan- Is this why it’s involving the Master? For a pun? Whatever, either way the Seventh Doctor is now a treasure trove of useful ideas - I did wonder why Chibs chose Ace in particular as the companion who should get a ‘Thirteen meeting them again’ book - trying to lure people in for a second look, clearly.

-So what happens in the story? In the Timeless Child, the Master ends up absorbing the Cyberium. In Silver Nemesis, the Validium absorbs our Lady Mistress Of All. How neat.

-The Doctor ‘wins’ by giving the Validium the Cyberleader’s instructions, confirming it understood them, and then the Cybermen let it fly off to their fleet. Which then blows up. Because it chose to disobey them. (As he knew it would).

-The Validium is left floating in space, until the Doctor calls on it again. I’m not saying this relates to opening titles full of goop, but I’m not saying it doesn’t either.

So. That’s a lot. While I would usually doubt the Validium would literally be the Cyberium, and that it would be for fans to join together as they wished or not... Honestly, given the use of lore in Chibs Who, I don’t actually feel certain of that anymore.

But either way, there’s your meta masterpost, you can commence your theorising now.

****

I know no-one comes to these things for my stupid conclusions, but in case you did, here’s a couple of my very disparate fever-brained thoughts, that I’m too ill to put together more...smartly, and might have to come back to if you’re ever going to actually see this post:

-The Doctor/The Other/The Timeless Child had a hand in the weaponisation of the Cyberium AI (forced/cajoled/whatever).

-The Time Lord empire, in at least one version of reality, is inextricably linked to the Cybermen empire, with the Cybermen showing similar levels of technology to Time Lords (a cyber carrier ‘more advanced’ than very far future humans have ever seen - “Coming out of vortex now”, implies it has time vortex travel. And “That’s my home planet - that's Gallifrey”. Immediately the image cuts to Cyberman, then straight back.)

-The Timeless Child was chosen as a vessel to save some form of living knowledge, rather than just being a mystical alien.

-((My nuttiest guess that is only 30% meta and 70% gut feel is it’s a TARDIS-kind, probably our own, which stayed with them because they carried her, and now she carries them. That concept, the little links we’re seeing with TARDISes and their sentience, the implied planetary genocide of all but a saved pair, cyberised humans and cyberised Time Lords - a TARDIS is a cyberised something, the question of living technology, the gloop of the vortex, the Ghost Monument, the Doctor’s agonised loss of her for her first episode that she then only finds at the end of the second on a dead planet ruined by space-fascists...))

-Are those two the same story? You could go in either direction. The stories are all about cycles and loops, so a strong case for mirroring, but at the same time we have a Lone Cyberman who can’t be converted properly and no-one knows why, which makes me think that is still Rassilon with either the ghost of a memory of an old plan, or - thanks to time travel - the old plan itself. That perhaps the Timeless Child’s Power would end up somewhat fused with the Doctor when they turned it into the weaponised Cyberium “AI”, explains why we see it in meta go from benign to weapon creator.

-The Cyberium AI created the Death Particle which would destroy all life and stop the Cyber-Time Lords from taking over. This feels like the exact thing the Doctor was trying to stop with the Time Lords in The End Of Time, and Day Of The Doctor, as their absolute last-ditch plan.

-Certainly the Battle that the Alliance are gearing up for, I would assume is the same battle that we keep seeing in mirrors, and is directly related to Gallifrey. It keeps coming up linked together, like with Ko Sharmus, and we first find out about the Alliance from the inside of a stolen Battle TARDIS.

-So perhaps that’s a point that history is hinging on, and someone - read: the Master - has chosen to interfere. Things all seemed to go wrong after he discovered the Timeless Child information - impossible Time Lords and TARDISes appearing, an Alliance, a Cyber Empire etc. Maybe originally the Doctor/Timeless Child (title, not necessarily youth) was used to control the Cyberium AI and win the battle. But the Master took them away from Rassilon so that couldn’t happen, so everything’s a catastrofuck of paradoxes.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

We got a long time to think about it at least.

[winterromanov]

we will grow taller together - bucky x reader

PART ONE - THE GENTLE HUM OF EXISTENTIAL DREAD

parts: zero

Pairing: bucky barnes x reader

Extract: “No. No, what I’m saying is, he needs—they both need—someone. He needs someone to help look after Clover while they both get their lives back on track.” Steve pauses, looking you straight in the eyes. “Someone like you.”

Genre: romance, nanny x single father!AU

Taglist: @blindedbyyourgrace17 @verygraphicink @igotkatiepowers @welcome-to-my-studylife (taglist still open, reply/message to be tagged)

PART ONE

“Next please!”

The queue shuffles along until your face-to-face with yet another tired-looking college student, purple eye-bags visible underneath a pair of circular rimmed glasses. It’s fall dead week and if most of your customers are anything to go by, it certainly lives up to its name. Every single one of the tables spread out on the main floor of Vormir Coffee has been crammed with sleep-deprived teenagers and textbooks, meaning you and your colleagues have been swept off your feet with orders for caffeine products refills. You expect the rush to continue over the next few days as revision turns into actual mid-terms—as is tradition, you’ll be offering free chocolate muffins throughout the week by the door, because nothing heals the pain of a shitty Econ paper like chocolate muffins do.

Yet…as you look in the near-dead, distant eyes of your latest customer, you feel a pang of jealousy deep within your chest. While you’re pouring coffee into refillable mugs and forcing your best service smile (which is a difficult feat nine hours in to a ten hour shift) they’re reading and learning and absorbing.

You miss learning. God, you miss learning, even the terrible impossible chaos of one exam after another and deadlines piling up around you like sandbags. But being, y’know, poor, means there’s not much you can do about your grad school dreams, even if you do spend your free hours searching the internet for outlandish scholarships and funding schemes.

So. For now, it’s coffee. Potentially forever if you want to continue to eat and have electricity, which is just about all you can afford right now. And the occasional lipstick if you’re feeling particularly extravagant.

“What can I get you?” you ask the student, whose scruffy brown hair doesn’t look like it’s been washed in a few days. Oh well. Desperate times require desperate measures. At least you’re not his roommate. He grunts for an inevitable espresso and fishes round his wallet for some spare dollars while you get to work. Moments later you offer him the finished product and he drops the exact change into your hand, skulking away to a table without another word. Well, you’ll forgive a lack of manners during one of the most surreal weeks in the academic year.

“Hey, (Y/N).”

On the announcement of your name your glance flicks back to the remainders of the gradually quietening queue, and your face subconsciously breaks out into a grin when you finally see a customer that doesn’t look like a vacant zombie.

Steve Rogers grins back at you. He’s wearing a beanie over his blonde hair and a warm winter jacket—the temperature was freezing when you practically slid from the subway to work this morning and as the day slowly eclipses into evening, the temperature is falling back down with it. His cheeks are flushed from coming into the warm.

“Hey Steve!” you greet him cheerfully, because seeing an old friend is the perfect way to end a tiring shift. “How are you? How’s Natasha?”

Steve dips his head bashfully, like he always does when he’s asked about himself or his girlfriend. “We’re both great, thanks. What about you? It’s been a while.”

You gesture around you as an answer. Taking all the shifts you possibly can means you probably spend more time in Vormir than your own apartment. From what you can recall Steve has been back in the States for a few weeks after his most recent tour of Afghanistan; him or Natasha keep dropping you invites here and there, but you’ve been working or too dog-tired to accept them. It kind of makes you sad, as you watch your social circle shrink, but being an adult is the worst and staying alive is reasonably important to you.

“That bad, huh?” Steve asks sympathetically. You nod back, dramatically rolling your eyes.

“That bad. Always that bad, Rogers. I’m a slave to consumerism, but don’t let my boss know that.”

Steve laughs, leaning onto the counter. “I actually… (Y/N), when do you finish up here? Do you want get a drink? I’ve just got something I wanted to run by you.”

You narrow your eyes with curiosity. The clock that ticks mercilessly above the door reads six forty-two, so you’ve got less than twenty minutes left of your shift, and the look on Steve’s face is too intriguing to turn down just so you can rush home, open a bottle of cheap white wine and watch Stranger Things on Netflix. Even if you are up to the season three finale.

“I clock off at seven,” you reveal, but you nudge your head in the direction of the remaining customers who are starting to get annoyed at the hold-up. “Grab a seat. I actually have to do my job for a while longer and I’d rather not get fired because you’re distracting me.”

Steve holds his hands up in mock surrender and slowly backs away from the counter, allowing your next customer to slide into his position. You watch as he drops into a two-seater by the window, scrolling through his iPhone, a muted grin tugging at his lips.

-

Steve’s favourite bar is a short walk across town, the kind that is warm and dark and a little bit retro. You’ve been to Endgame before with him and Natasha, and you’d all split quarters so you could play ABBA songs on the Jukebox by the entrance. Right now it’s playing Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac, so it seems today’s patrons have taste.

You grab one of the more private booths through the back while he gets the drinks. You’ve not seen your phone since your lunch break so you take the spare seconds to scroll through your social media—less than an hour ago Natasha’s posted a photo to Instagram, both her and Steve making stupid faces in the living room of the apartment they share. It’s captioned who do I have to kill to make sure you’re not deployed again?

Your heart melts a little. Steve and Nat. Nat and Steve. Two people who have been together for longer than you’ve known them, and they just work so fucking well, two halves of the same coin and all that. Your thumb hovers over the like button for a moment before clicking it, because you’ve never had someone in your life like that. You’ve not found the other half of your coin.

Most days you’re too exhausted to really think about it. But sometimes…something will click in the back of your brain and it dawns on you like an avalanche that this might be your life forever. You’ll be serving coffee forever. You’ll be on your own forever.

Fortunately Steve slides into the seat opposite before you can go into a full-on existential crisis, but you sure as hell know that’s what will inevitably cross your mind when you’re stuck staring at the cracked ceiling of your apartment in bed tonight.

Steve’s smile is concerned as he pushes a desperado in your direction. “You look troubled.”

“When am I not?” you say with a shrug, taking a sip of your drink. The alcohol burns in your empty stomach. You haven’t eaten since lunch—maybe liquor isn’t the best idea, after all. “Anyway. As much as I love seeing you, Rogers, this isn’t just a friendly drop-by is it?”

Steve is drinking some generic American beer. He wipes his lip before speaking. “Yeah. Like I said. There was something I thought I’d run by you.”

“Ominous.” You wiggle your eyebrows. “Are you going to spend the next half an hour or so pushing a pyramid scheme you swear isn’t a pyramid scheme? Because I really didn’t think that was your style.”

“No. Not a pyramid scheme.” He shakes his head in mild disbelief, probably wondering why he’s still friends with you. “It’s more…do you remember my friend? James?” When you look back blankly, he elaborates. “Bucky. Guy I used to go to school with. Dark hair. Lost his arm in Afghan about a decade ago…”

“Oh! Oh. Bucky Barnes. James Barnes.” You feel kind of bad that the arm was what made it click, but you do remember a quiet, well-mannered guy standing in the background of a few of Steve and/or Nat’s social events over the last few years. You’ve never been formally introduced but Steve talks about him every so often, just casual mentions in conversation, nothing detailed. They’d grown up together, trained together, but their career paths parted after Bucky’s car nicked an IED on the outskirts of Kabul. Truly horrifying. “Yeah. Sure. I remember him. What about him?”

Steve grimaces. “Well, it’s a bit…complex, to explain, so I’ll just go straight into it. About seven years ago he met a girl, she got pregnant, they had a daughter.”

“Oh! I never knew he had any kids.”

“Yeah. Clover. She’s six now. Way too smart for her age, really mischievous—doing crazy things like sending vegetables in the post to the grandparents she doesn’t like and reading fucking Frankenstein. Big Mary Shelley fan, to Buck’s sheer delight. Awesome kid.”

You smirk, not sure what any of this has to do with you, but little Clover sounds exactly how you were at her age. “She does sound pretty awesome.”

“But Connie, her mom…she passed away just over a year ago in a really awful car wreck.” Steve’s face falls into a look of heartbreak, empathetic as always. “Her and Bucky haven’t been together for years but they shared custody of Clove, Connie having her a lot of the time.”

You feel something shift in your chest, like shards of glass are pressing in between your ribs. Real loss stories have always been pretty hard for you to digest, regardless of who they belong to. You think about death a lot in, like, an abstract and unreachable kind of way. You think it gives you size, an awareness of your place in the world, the universe. But that’s your own death. You’re kind of comfortable with that one day you will cease to exist. It’s just the people that you care about you fear for. And everybody cares about somebody.

“God, that’s awful, Steve,” you murmur, eyes softening. “Is he looking after her on his own now?”

Steve nods, biting his lip. “Yeah. And he’s not doing too great, (Y/N). It’s not my place to go into details about what goes on in his head, but nobody gets over the trauma he went through and goes back to before. And the loss of Connie and suddenly becoming Clover’s only parent, and her trauma, as well as trying to hold down a full-time job…like Jesus, I’m surprised he can even get up in the morning. Sometimes he doesn’t.”

You ache for Steve’s oldest friend as is only natural, but you’re still at a loss as to where this involves you. You rest your chin in your hands, looking at Steve intently. “It sounds like he’s going through a tough time. I’m really sorry. But is this…any of my business? Because you can always confide in me about things that are on your mind, but this sounds really personal.”

“No. No, what I’m saying is, he needs—they both need—someone. He needs someone to help look after Clover while they both get their lives back on track.” Steve pauses, looking you straight in the eyes. “Someone like you.”

The laugh that erupts from your chest is involuntary, but Steve’s expression is still completely serious. Is he really suggesting what you think he’s suggesting? “What? You’re asking me to be a nanny?”

“I suppose you could call it that.” When you stare at him with disbelief, he rolls his shoulders. “(Y/N). Why is this such an eccentric idea? You hate your job. Buck has a spare room at his place which, no offense, is way nicer than your apartment. You’re great with kids, you’re funny, you’re smart…and you’ve already said you think Clover sounds like an awesome kid. You two would get on great.”

“That’s all irrelevant considering a, I’m not a nanny and have no experience looking after a child in that close and intense an environment. And b, Steve, this is an eccentric idea. Other than the scraps you’ve given me I know absolutely nothing about James, and what the hell does he know about me?” When Steve’s face looks a little guilty, you roll your eyes. “Oh my god. Steve. James hasn’t even said he wants a nanny has he? He doesn’t even know you’re asking me this.”

“This would be so good for him,” Steve half-pleads, puppy dog eyes engaged, “He’s fussy about strangers and Clover, but he knows you through me. He’ll trust my judgement.”

“Steve. You can’t just go making decisions like that! This is insane.”

(Steve has a habit of thinking he knows what’s best, for himself or other people, and rampaging down that path in the pursuit of a happy ending. Sometimes people don’t need his version of a happy ending.)

Steve eventually relents, relaxing back in his seat. He’s forgotten you’re not usually one for blindly going along with one of his Heroic Schemes, preferring a more idealistic approach. “Okay. Yeah. I’ll discuss it with him first. But I think you should come along when I do that.”

“Steve.”

“It doesn’t have to mean anything, but I think you should meet them both properly. You could be a good friend to him either way. It wouldn’t hurt, (Y/N). Maybe it would be good for you too.”

God, you’re way too done for this shit, your legs aching from a day of being constantly on your feet and dead inside from getting up at six this morning. Steve is not the kind of guy to give up on something he’s clearly passionate about in his quest for the greater good, and this point it is just easier to agree to his requests. Even though his idea is way too bizarre for anyone normal to actually accept.

Being a live-in nanny for a guy you barely know and his daughter, both of whom have just lost someone extremely significant in their lives? And him being totally unaware that his best friend is proposing a job he has no authority to give? Yeah, fuck that.

Steve is right about one thing, though. You do really, really hate your horrible job.

When you reluctantly nod, and Steve grins, you jab a finger in his direction. “Like you said. It means nothing. This is weird as hell, but you’re super annoying when you don’t get your own way, and I’m totally allowing you to receive all the backlash when it backfires.”

“I think I can deal with that.” He gestures at your empty bottle. “Want another drink?”

The alcohol has made your body a little lighter, but your stomach growls loudly in argument. Instead, you clamp your hands on the table. “No, but you can buy me a pizza. It’s the least you can do for me, weirdo.”

Steve raises an eyebrow, used to your directness. “Pizza it is, then.”

Okay, so maybe Steve Rogers is the most annoying person in the world, and maybe his aggressive selflessness in the hope of doing right for his friends will eventually be his downfall, but he’s usually a pretty nice guy. You sometimes forget that you’re lucky to have him.

[timeagainreviews]

The Doctor visits Villa Diodati... Again

It’s rare that an episode of Doctor Who can upset the fandom before it ever airs. Even rarer is the fandom actually having a valid reason for being so hacked off. The reason for this week’s outrage? That would be none other than the inclusion of the famous writer Mary Shelley into the story. If you’re a fan of Big Finish, you may know already that Mary Shelley acts as a bit of a companion in the Eighth Doctor audios. So when she shows up with the Doctor on the same night when she meets the Eighth Doctor, you start to wonder if anyone thought to actually check.

There’s a really great thing called the TARDIS Data Core. It’s a wiki maintained by the type of meticulous nerds (see: me) who care about this sort of thing. And it’s absolutely free to use. So if you want to throw in someone like say, Houdini, you can read up on the many instances when the Doctor met the man. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again, Doctor Who writers have a bizarre fascination with that man. I won’t fault Maxine Alderton for having not listened to the audios with Mary Shelley. I’ve only listened to one of them. But hell, check the damn wiki.

The world of Doctor Who gets its mileage out of perception filters. They play a huge part in the mythology of the show, and especially tonight’s episode. Maybe this is why the Thirteenth Doctor doesn’t remember her travels with Mary Shelley, it’s filtered out. And maybe that’s why when Lord Byron answers the door to Villa Diodati, he reacts with shock despite the massive windows with a clear view of the Doctor and her companions. Was he shocked by the fact that literally nothing changed? Pro tip- if you’re going to show someone surprised by who is on the other side of a door, wood is more effective than glass.

The Doctor and her companions have arrived at the Villa Diodati in the rain-soaked summer of 1816. The very same rain that has relegated Lord Byron, Mary Shelley, Claire Clairmont, and John Polidori housebound, has also forced the TARDIS crew to seek shelter at the villa. The episode wastes no time reaching for cliches as the Doctor says to her companions to brace themselves for meeting some of the greatest minds of human history, only to have the door open to a room of drunken buffoons. They did the exact same joke when the Tenth Doctor met Shakespeare. It’s not egregious, but it’s played out none the less.

Rebounding from cliches, director Emma Sullivan gets some great horror movie vibes as the appearance of a skeletal hand stalks through the house like a spider looking for prey. Clips of ghostly apparitions flicker in and out of existence. I was already very excited about where this was headed. Lord Byron is quite taken by the Doctor, who pays him very little mind. But this doesn’t stop the sleepwalking Dr Polidori from getting jealous when Claire appears to be flirting with Lord Byron. Much of the information about these four is conveyed by their proclivity to gossip, which I thought was a very clever way of sneaking a history lesson into the story. Once again, they’re making better use of edutainment moments by incorporating them into the story.

However, it is Lord Byron who has Claire’s eye. Unfortunately for her, she doesn’t stand a chance against the Doctor, or whoever catches Lord Byron’s attention that week. Claire laments Lord Byron’s mixed signals in a conversation with Yaz, leading Yaz to convey her own issues with someone she fancies. She never outright says it’s Ryan, but I’m guessing it’s Ryan. I’m also guessing we’re still doing that? She also very well could have meant the Doctor. Meanwhile, Graham is lost in this labyrinthian house whilst searching for the loo. I love that Graham is the companion that thinks about eating and going to the bathroom. I’ve always wondered why there weren’t more action movies where someone needed to take a piss. You never see Ethan Hunt stop a bullet train while needing to poop. Now that’s an impossible mission.

With Dr Polidori being a sleepwalker, his demeanour is anxious and agitated causing him to take Ryan’s playground trash talk as a major slight on his character. He challenges him to a duel, but before he can put a cap in Ryan’s backside, they’re interrupted by the presence of the skeleton hand. I really have to give it up to Tosin Cole here. His comedic chops this series have been spot-on. Watching him try and fight off a flying hand was just as funny as watching him try to impress Mary Shelley with a stumbling rendition of "Chopsticks," on the piano. After a bit of hot potato, the skeletal hand is taken out of commission by the valet, Fletcher with the serving tray assist. The hand smacks into the ground in a fine powder.

The Doctor reveals that she believes the house is giving off really evil "vibes," and they set about looking for answers. It’s at this moment that the perception filters begin toying with their minds. Stairwells lead down to their tops and exits lead to their entrances. It’s a very wibbly-wobbly moment that leads you to wonder what exactly is going on. Is the house haunted? Does it have anything to do with the bones Lord Byron is keeping at the villa? Why are vases breaking against the wall? Who is this apparition that keeps blinking in and out of existence? Who are the woman and child that supply Graham with a sweet plate of sandwiches?

Stuck in what seems like a time loop, Mary begins to panic as she hears her infant son William crying from a room she is unable to reach. It is then that the sleepwalking of Polidori actually comes in handy as he is able to walk through walls as he is unaffected by perception filters while asleep. This allows everyone to navigate the house by closing their eyes. The Doctor assumes that whatever is happening has turned the villa into a sort of panic room to protect it from something horrible. Perhaps this something has to do with room they’ve discovered which is covered in mad writing scrawled in an alien language. I’ll forgive them the cliche of the madman furiously scrawling walls as at this point, I am fully invested in the story.

It takes them almost no time to discover who the house is protecting them from, as the Lone Cyberman as warned about by Captain Jack arrives looking like Frankenstein’s monster. I absolutely loved the horror movie visuals. The decision not to reveal exactly what the Cyberman was at first, really amped up the anticipation. I knew he was coming at the end of the series, but I didn’t expect him so soon. His image cut like a hunched monster in the darkness of the hallway portrayed a man or monster that has clearly travelled a very long distance to get here. We’ve never had a chance to see a Cyberman look so fatigued and battle-worn. This concept is driven home as we’re able to see the human underneath the mask. One of his hands is left exposed calling back to the Cybermen’s first appearance in "The Tenth Planet."

The Doctor kicks into Doctor mode as she commands her companions not to follow her. The Cyberman goes about looking for "the guardian," which doesn’t pan out too well for poor Fletcher or the maid watching William. However, the Cyberman spares the baby because, after all, this is a family show, and we are still pre-watershed. The Doctor confronts the Cyberman who is unable to attack. Noting his emotions are still intact, the Doctor tries to negotiate with him. This is a rare opportunity for the Doctor to do something more with a Cyberman than exploding his head. However, it would appear this lone mechano man is the cause of all of the freak weather happening, as he recharges himself with a very Mary Shelley style lightning.

Meanwhile, the companions and their new friends have discovered Percey Shelley in the cellar. The Doctor reads Percy’s mind to discover he had found something shiny in the bottom of Lake Geneva, like some sort of sexy Smeagol.  Upon picking it up, it begins seeping into his skin, connecting to his mind where it would attempt to hide from the Lone Cyberman. The object is a sort of intelligent liquid metal known as the Cyberium. Within it resides all of the knowledge and history of the Cybermen. In its attempt to hide, Percy returns home to discover nobody can see him no matter how many vases he throws against the wall. The Cyberium puts up a series of perception filters that obscure him from sight. Who sent it back in time, and why it wants to hide from the Lone Cybermen is left a mystery.

The Doctor is forced to make a decision- ignore Jack’s warning not to give the Lone Cyberman what he wants, or allow the Cyberium to destroy Percy’s mind. Ryan tries to make like this is a simple decision as one life weighed against billions is an easy choice. However, the Doctor’s curt response shows the situation to be far more impactful. I loved her speech about being the lone person at the peak of a summit. That was some "curse of the Time Lords," level pontification which I have yearned so much to hear from Jodie’s Doctor. She almost seems disgusted with Ryan here. She doesn’t hide her contempt for always having to be the strong one. This may be one of my favourite Thirteenth Doctor moments as she seems genuinely pissed about being the one to make the big decisions.

Mary Shelley has a moment that clearly sounds like she was working out the basis for what would become her book "Frankenstein," as she tries to reason with the Cyberman. She sees the monster made of disparate parts, but she also sees the man within. But it would appear that this man within has the brain of a criminal as he thrashes about wildly looking to harm. Percy passes the Cyberium to the Doctor. Once again they touch on cliche by claiming the Doctor is the perfect host for the Cyberium. I found this odd considering they have always said the Doctor is not compatible with Cyberman technology, but whatever. The Doctor makes her decision which is to give the Cyberman the Cyberium. That’s step one of the plan, step two is to fix the problems she created with step one. I’ve never heard Doctor Who so succinctly summed up. The Doctor just keeps putting out fires until the problem is solved. Brilliant.

For now, we’re left to ponder the future of this Lone Cyberman. How will it play into the Timeless Child if at all? Is this the beginning of storyline spanning three different episodes? I’m hoping the answer is yes. That would be really cool to see not just the Timeless Child and the Lone Cyberman come together, but also the Master as well. If Chris Chibnall can actually find a through-line with all three stories, I would be very impressed. There’s a lot to like in series twelve, which makes it almost sad that so many people have been tuning out. I’ll admit I understand the trepidation people may have after series eleven. There was a sort of aimlessness that series twelve definitely does not share.

I wouldn’t sit here and say the entire series has been home run after home run, but I’ve not hated a single episode. Even the weaker efforts like "Orphan 55," and “Can You Hear Me?” were completely watchable. Even if "The Haunting of Villa Diodati," does mess with the Eighth Doctor canon, it doesn’t waste its time. That Cyberman reveal was so effective that I audibly said "Woah!" as he beamed his way into the house. And it’s still too early to say what is and isn’t canon at this point, as the Timeless Child could play into it. We could be dealing with pocket realities or alternate timelines. All could very well be revealed in the end. If not, well, it just gives Big Finish a chance to do what it does best- retcon the shit out of something until it fits. It’s Doctor Who, it can take the strain.

[haledamage]

Kira Grace Kingston

female, she/her

5'6”, slender build

shoulder-length, straight dark-brown hair

pale, lightly freckled skin

light brown eyes

bisexual (though I play her in-game as straight because I just really connected with the all-male Unit Bravo for some reason)

Taurus, born 28 April 1992; 25 at the beginning of Book 1, turns 26 between Book 1 and 2

left-handed

Romance: all of them, I’m using the same Detective for all routes

(infodump about her under the cut, for my own purposes mostly but also for anyone interested)

--Was inspired to become a cop to help people after having one help her when she really, really needed it. Wanted to pay it forward, so to speak.

--Kira is a natural leader and very good at deduction and problem solving (it’s her second highest stat, after people/psychology). She would have likely gone out for detective soon anyway, but didn’t think she was ready or old enough to be in charge of the whole station yet and was surprised when the promotion came. The rest of the station had been secretly considering her their boss for years before Detective Reele retired, but Kira somehow has no idea.

--Totally shot Adam. Feels really bad about it but would never tell him that.

--Will drink tea or coffee, but prefers tea. Her favorites are cinnamon tea and masala chai. If she’s drinking coffee, she prefers the sugary, flavored, Starbucks-like variety, but will sometimes drink it black just to unnerve people (people mostly being Tina).

--Doesn’t wear much make-up, but likes to paint her nails. Usually black or some other dark color, a “layover from her misspent youth.”

--Wears contacts. Has gold-framed glasses that she wears when she has to, but hates them. She’s farsighted, so if for some reason she can’t wear her contacts, she only puts on the glasses for reading.

--Plays guitar and lap steel guitar. Prefers to play blues music, but can play just about any genre. A pretty good singer, but very shy about it. Probably only Rebecca and Tina have ever heard her sing as far as she knows. (she sings to herself at her desk sometimes, but doesn’t realize it. All of UB have probably noticed; Felix definitely has, and is likely waiting for a good opportunity to tease her about it)

--She’s always been very close with Rebecca. They’re both rather independent-minded, so she didn’t mind her mother’s absences so much. Mum was always there when she needed her, and always willing to listen, and that’s what mattered. Now that she knows what she does, Kira is sure that she’s called her mother while she was on a mission before, but Rebecca still always answered, and that fact makes her respect and admire her mum even more.

--Lost a bet to Verda in regards to The Reveal. Verda had said the Murphy case and its oddities were supernatural in nature, Kira said it was science experiments gone awry. Technically, they were both right, but Verda was more right. Kira looks forward to one day being able to tell him, even if she’ll be out £50 for it.

--The only reason Kira isn’t some reclusive hermit is because of Tina Poname. Tina and Kira met when they were both in a very low place, and have lifted each other up and helped put each other back on their feet. Their friendship is very important to Kira, and the fact that she can’t tell Tina that the Hot Secret Agents they’re working with are Hot Secret Agent Vampires is the hardest part of The Reveal. She’s not used to keeping secrets from Tina.

--Tina and Kira have a monthly movie night. One of them picks the movie and the other picks the food, then they swap the next month. It’s more like an adult slumber party than anything else, really, lots of wine and gossip and venting if need be. It’s a tradition going back years now and neither would miss it for the world.

--Is very good with people, it’s her highest stat, but doesn’t actually enjoy being around them much. Very much an introvert, prefers silence and solitude or the company of close friends only. She works very hard to be as approachable as she is.

--Curses like a sailor. Poor Nate.

--Loves to read. Anything and everything. You put a book in front of her and she’ll read it. Mysteries are a favorite.

--Her favorite color is wintergreen like Adam’s eyes.

--Apartment style would be somewhere between cosy and dark. Kind of a Spooky Grandma’s House vibe. Lush fabrics and textures, soft sofas and chairs, but subdued colors. Black, gray, navy blue, with pale blue and wintergreen accents. Artwork is mostly made by locals or by friends from university. Bookshelves nearly overflowing. Apartment is kept clean, but always looks a bit cluttered.

--Preferred clothing style is casual but professional. Jeans, most often paired with a t-shirt or button-up shirt. Mostly long sleeves, but with the sleeves pushed up to her elbows. Usually black, sometimes white or gray, very, very rarely dark green or dark blue. Black leather jacket when it’s cold. Almost always wears black boots; she paid more for those boots than she did for her car (but that says more for how little she paid for the car than how expensive her boots actually are).

--Speaks seven languages. English, Sign Language, Spanish, French, German, Welsh, and, because someone dared her to at university, Sindarin Elvish. With the exception of the elvish, she learned most of them out of necessity or exposure.

--English literature major. Doesn’t serve much in her job, but she’s still proud of it.

--Very shy when it comes to flirting. She hates it about herself. She’s very confident and self-assured in almost every other situation, but if someone starts showing the slightest bit of genuine interest in her she flusters very easily.

--Dated Bobby in year one at university for a couple months. With him in journalism and her in English lit, they had a lot of class overlap early on, and he was familiar and clearly interested and that was enough, for a while. She regrets that she fell so easily for his flirting and has resolved since to not be such an “easy mark” in the future. Hasn’t dated anyone since and hasn’t wanted to (until UB barge into her office, obviously). Kind of hates him, but would never let him know that; she is, instead, very meticulously polite to him, never any more or less.

--At the beginning of Book 1, she has 4 tattoos. Gets a 5th one during the 2 months between Book 1 and Book 2.      -a small, stylized crown on her right wrist (Rebecca has a matching one that she hides under her watch band at work) because Kingston     -bars of music wrapped around her right bicep (watercolour-style effect behind it - the music is Tom Petty’s “Won’t Back Down”)     -a quote on the inside of her left bicep (“I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other.”― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein)     -a large full-color floral piece from her left hip almost to her knee (forget-me-nots for her father, lupines for her mother, lavender roses and verbena for herself)     -new tattoo is a simple, black crescent moon on the back of her neck to symbolize a new beginning (keeps it hidden under her hair most of the time, especially at work).

--Preferred method of working out is rock climbing/wall climbing. Has some combat training, mostly just from the police academy, but she tries to attend aikido lessons when she has time. She likes that it lets her defend herself without being stronger than her opponent, especially now that she deals with the supernatural so much.

--Kira didn’t realize how attached she’d grown to Unit Bravo until the attack on her apartment. She wanted to stay to help her team; on every route, she has to be dragged away in order to get her to leave. Completely, 100% ride or die for all of them.

Kira is my only Detective and I’m using her in all four routes (sorry, folks, I can’t do the Love Triangle. I tried, but I can’t, it already hurts and I’m not strong enough). It’s been very interesting, since she has the same personality no matter what, to see in what ways she connects with each member of Unit Bravo, and the slight changes in her personality stats based on how she responds to romance-specific scenes.

Adam: arguably my “canon” romance for her, though I legitimately and completely love all of them. On his route, her stats skew a little more toward Stubborn and Impulsive because she’s spiteful and he’s kind of an ass, especially to start with. 

They’re both headstrong and natural leaders, so they butt heads a lot in terms of authority. She doesn’t like that Adam tries to order her around, he doesn’t like that she refuses to listen to orders sometimes out of spite. But when they actually try to get along, they agree more often than not and could probably make an amazing team given time. 

She’s completely, head-over-heels in love with him, but she hasn’t figured it out yet, though she knows she feels something for him. He makes her feel safe, which is how she knows that she’s in deep. 

On Adam’s route, Nate is Kira’s best friend. Poor guy’s gonna be stuck between the immovable object and the unstoppable force for 7 fucking books.

Nate: On Nate’s route, Kira’s stats tend more toward Cautious, and also a bit more Heart on the Heart/Mind scale. 

Of all of them, Nate would be the one Kira would be most surprised to find herself falling for. She’s not much of a romantic, generally, but she’s also never had anyone look at her like Nate does, or treat her like she’s something precious and important. She feels completely off balance with him and has no idea how to react. She has never been so overwhelmed with a desire to kiss someone before. 

Personality-wise, they have a lot in common, both are good with people, compassionate, linguistically talented, and avid readers; to anyone except Kira, them getting together makes perfect sense. He probably doesn’t like how stubborn and foul-mouthed she is, but between Adam and Mason, he’s used to dealing with it. 

On Nate’s route, Mason is Kira’s best friend. No one is more surprised about that than they are, and they aren’t really sure how that happened.

Felix: On Felix’s route, Kira skews more toward Easygoing and Impulsive. 

In a word, Felix helps Kira relax. She’s a bit of a workaholic and he brings her out of her shell and reminds her that she’s more than just Detective Kingston. It’s refreshing and overwhelming. Romance with Felix is easy. 

He’s the only one where she doesn’t end up 100% shy because, even though she still gets horribly flustered by him, he doesn’t make her as tongue-tied as the others do. Maybe it’s because he’s so much less intense than the others, but also she kind of feels like she’s always known him. 

She wants to show him the world, all the little things about being human that she’s always taken for granted but he never had in Echo World. Paper airplanes and creepy travelling carnivals and movie theater popcorn and photo booths and everything. They’ll be good for each other, but them joining forces is probably very bad for everyone else. 

On Felix’s route, Nate is Kira’s best friend. Unlike with Adam, he isn’t so much trapped between two opposing forces as he is an exhausted parent trying to corral overly-curious children.

Mason: On Mason’s route, Kira’s stats tend even more toward Genuine than they do on other routes, as well as Stubborn. 

On the surface Mason and Kira probably don’t look like they’d work, but really I think they’re the pairing that makes the most sense. Mason doesn’t drain her social batteries as much as the others, even at the beginning when he’s as hostile toward her as possible. They both enjoy the quiet, and that’s where the first romantic feelings from her would form, in the calm and silent comfort she feels with him. 

But obviously, it doesn’t start romantic even a little bit. At the beginning, she’s neither intimidated nor put off by his sharp, brusque personality, and she’s very flustered and intimidated by his intense manner of flirting, though she’s not really put off by it either. She doesn’t know how to respond to it (though he clearly enjoys how she reacts), but he makes her feel desired in a way she never has before. There’s a certain comfort to knowing that he only wants her physically, that he’s straightforward in his interests. 

I imagine that she figures out she’s falling for him after he does something small that should be innocuous, some little off-hand affection that he didn’t even think about and she just goes “oh shit, I’m in love with Mason.” 

On Mason’s route, Felix is Kira’s best friend. He definitely sees them falling for each other long before they see it and does everything he can to get them to stop being idiots and realize that they’re in love.

[sciencespies]

Shakespearean Stabbings, How to Feed a Dictator and Other New Books to Read

https://sciencespies.com/nature/shakespearean-stabbings-how-to-feed-a-dictator-and-other-new-books-to-read/

Shakespearean Stabbings, How to Feed a Dictator and Other New Books to Read

An estimated 74 heroes, villains and sidekicks featured in William Shakespeare’s writings meet unsavory onstage ends. Thirty of these men and women succumb to stabbing, according to a 2015 analysis by the Telegraph, while five die by beheading, four by poison, and three by both stabbing and poison. At the more unconventional end of the spectrum, causes of death range from grief to insomnia, indigestion, smothering, shame and being baked into a pie.

Kathryn Harkup’s Death By Shakespeare: Snakebites, Stabbings and Broken Hearts adopts a scientific approach to the Bard’s many methods of killing off characters. As the chemist-by-training writes in the book’s prologue, Shakespeare may not have understood the science behind the process of dying, but as a someone who lived at a time when death—in the form of public executions, pestilence, accidents and widespread violence—was an accepted aspect of everyday life, he certainly knew “what it looked, sounded and smelled like.”

The latest installment in our “Books of the Week” series, which launched in late March to support authors whose works have been overshadowed amid the COVID-19 pandemic, details the science behind Shakespeare, the golden age of aviation, women doctors of World War I, the meals enjoyed by five modern dictators and the history of the controversial Shroud of Turin.

Representing the fields of history, science, arts and culture, innovation, and travel, selections represent texts that piqued our curiosity with their new approaches to oft-discussed topics, elevation of overlooked stories and artful prose. We’ve linked to Amazon for your convenience, but be sure to check with your local bookstore to see if it supports social distancing-appropriate delivery or pickup measures, too.

Death By Shakespeare: Snakebites, Stabbings and Broken Hearts by Kathryn Harkup

The author of A Is for Arsenic and Making the Monster: The Science Behind Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein continues her macabre cultural musings with an immensely readable roundup of Shakespearean death. Looking beyond the literary implications of characters’ untimely passing, she explores the forces that shaped the Bard’s world and, subsequently, his writing.

Sixteenth-century London was a hotbed of disease, unsanitary living conditions, violence, political unrest and impoverishment. People of the period witnessed death firsthand, providing palliative care in sick friends’ and family members’ last moments, attending strangers’ public executions, or falling prey to misfortune themselves. Writes Harkup, “With limited effective medical treatments available, the grim reality of death, from even the most trivial of illnesses and infections, was well known, up close and in detail.” It is perhaps unsurprising, then, that all of Shakespeare’s plays reference disease in some capacity.

After establishing this sociopolitical context, Harkup delves into chapter-by-chapter analysis of specific characters’ causes of death, including infirmity, murder, war, plague, poison, emotion and bear attack. The author’s scholarly expertise (she completed two doctorate degrees in chemistry before shifting focus to science communication) is apparent in these chapters, which are peppered with rather clinical descriptions: In a section on King Lear, for instance, she mentions—and outlines in great detail—the “clear post-mortem differences between strangulation, suffocation and hanging.”

Death By Shakespeare is centrally concerned with how its eponymous subject’s environment influenced the fictional worlds he created. Combining historical events, scientific knowledge and theatrical carnage, the work is at its best when determining the accuracy of various killing methods: In other words, Harkup asks, how exactly did Juliet appear dead for 72 hours, and is death by snakebite as peaceful as Cleopatra claimed?

Empires of the Sky: Zeppelins, Airplanes, and Two Men’s Epic Duel to Rule the World by Alexander Rose

Today, most people’s knowledge of the zeppelin is limited to the 1937 Hindenburg disaster. But as historian Alexander Rose writes in Empires of the Sky, the German airship—invented by Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin at the turn of the 20th century—was once the world’s premiere form of air travel, easily outpacing its contemporary, the airplane.

The airship and airplane’s fight for dominance peaked in the 1920s and ’30s, when Zeppelin’s handpicked successor, Hugo Eckener, faced off with both the Wright Brothers and Pan American Airlines executive Juan Trippe. Per the book’s description, “At a time when America’s airplanes—rickety deathtraps held together by glue, screws, and luck—could barely make it from New York to Washington, Eckener’s airships serenely traversed oceans without a single crash, fatality, or injury.”

Though the zeppelin held the advantage in terms of safety, passenger satisfaction and reliability over long distances, the airplane enjoyed the benefit of sheer quantity, with the United States producing 3,010 civilian aircraft in 1936 alone. The Hindenburg, a state-of-the-art vessel poised to shift the debate in airships’ favor, ironically proved to be its downfall.

Detailing the aftermath of an October 9, 1936, meeting between American and German aviation executives, Rose writes, “Trippe … suspects the deal is done: America will soon be in the airship business and Zeppelin will duel with Pan American for mastery of the coming air empire.” Eckener, meanwhile, flew home on the Hindenburg in triumph, never guessing that his airship had “exactly seven months left to live.”

No Man’s Land: The Trailblazing Women Who Ran Britain’s Most Extraordinary Military Hospital During World War I by Wendy Moore

At the turn of the 20th century, the few female doctors active in Great Britain were largely limited to treating women and children. But when war broke out in 1914, surgeon Louisa Garrett Anderson and anesthesiologist Flora Murray flouted this convention, establishing a military hospital of their own in Paris and paving the way for other women doctors to similarly start treating male patients.

Housed in a repurposed hotel and funded by donations from friends, family and fellow suffragists, the pair’s hospital soon drew the attention of the British War Office, which asked Anderson and Murray to run a military hospital in London. As author Wendy Moore points out, this venue “was, and would remain, the only military hospital under the auspices of the British Army to be staffed solely by women doctors and run entirely by women.”

Tens of thousands of patients arrived at the hospital over the next four-and-a-half years, according to Kirkus’ review of No Man’s Land. Staff performed more than 7,000 surgeries, treating previously unseen ailments including the aftereffects of chlorine gas attacks and injuries inflicted by artillery and high-explosive shells. Though initially met with distaste by men who dismissed a hospital run by “mere women,” Anderson and Murray’s steadfast commitment to care managed to convince even their critics of women’s value as physicians.

In 1918, the flu pandemic arrived in London, overwhelming the pair’s Endell Street Military Hospital just as the war reached its final stages. Writes Moore, “Now that they found themselves fighting an invisible enemy, to no apparent purpose, they had reached the breaking point.”

The pandemic eventually passed, and as life returned to a semblance of normality, women doctors were once again relegated to the sidelines. Still, Sarah Lyall points out in the New York Times’ review of the book, the “tide had started to turn” in these medical professionals’ favor—in no small part due to the perseverance of Anderson and Murray.

How to Feed a Dictator: Saddam Hussein, Idi Amin, Enver Hoxha, Fidel Castro, and Pol Pot Through the Eyes of Their Cooks by Witold Szablowski

The favorite meals of five 20th-century dictators are more mundane than one might think. As Rose Prince writes in the Spectator’s review of Polish journalist Witold Szablowski’s How to Feed a Dictator, Saddam Hussein’s cuisine of choice was lentil soup and grilled fish. Idi Amin opted for steak-and-kidney pie complemented by a dessert of chocolate pudding, while Fidel Castro enjoyed “a simple dish of chicken and mango.” And though popular lore suggests Pol Pot dined on the hearts of cobras, the Cambodian dictator’s chef revealed that he actually preferred chicken and fish.

According to Szablowski, How to Feed a Dictator strives to present “a panorama of big social and political problems seen through the kitchen door.” But tracking down the personal chefs who kept these despots—Hussein, Amin, Castro, Pot and former Albanian prime minister Enver Hoxha—well-fed proved to be an understandably difficult task. Not only did Szablowski have to find men and women who didn’t particularly want to be found, but he also had to earn their trust and convince them to discuss traumatic chapters in their lives. Speaking with Publishers Weekly’s Louisa Ermelino, Szablowski notes that Amin’s, Hoxha’s and Hussein’s chefs were simply culinary professionals; Castro’s and Pot’s, on the other hand, started off as partisans.

Ultimately, the author tells NPR’s Lulu Garcia-Navarro, “Sometimes they are very easy to like, but sometimes they are very easy to hate. Like, they are not easy characters, because it wasn’t an easy job.”

The Holy Shroud: A Brilliant Hoax in the Time of the Black Death by Gary Vikan

Gary Vikan has spent some 35 years tracking down evidence refuting the Shroud of Turin’s authenticity. In The Holy Shroud, Vikan—former director of Baltimore’s Walters Art Museum and a respected art historian—outlines his findings, arguing that the controversial burial cloth belonged not to Jesus, but to a medieval artist employed by French monarch John II at the height of the Black Death.

“I knew right away that the Holy Shroud was the fake, for the simple reason that it does not fit into the chronology of Christian relics or iconography, and because it appears for the first time in the historical record in 14th century France,” wrote Vikan in a blog post earlier this year. “ … [W]ith the help of a brilliant scientist, I am [now] able to answer the questions of when, why, by whom, and how the Shroud was made.”

Per the book’s description, John II gifted the “photograph-like body print” to his friend Geoffroi de Charny shortly before the latter’s death at the Battle of Poitiers in 1356. Originally meant as an “innocuous devotional image” for the knight’s newly-built church, the cloth was soon reinvented as one of Christianity’s most significant relics.

“Miracles were faked,” says Vikan, “and money was made.”

#Nature

[sprut6]

There are a lot of references to Jane Eyre in both seasons so I wanted to talk through some info on the book. Jane Eyre is used heavily in S1 and S2. We haven’t seen mentions yet in S3 but we still have a lot more to come however both 1 and 2 had references in their opening episodes. I’ve watched 3x1 several times but haven’t caught any reference. 

Jane Eyre References

Season 1 - all of the episode titles were taken from Jane Eyre (link to a post I did with all of the titles and their book reference https://sprut6.tumblr.com/post/159827433956/anne-episode-titles)

1.01: Anne discussing Jane Eyre on the train to Avonlea with Mrs. Spencer. “If all the world hated you and believed you wicked, while your own conscience approve of you and absolved you from guilt, you would not be without friends.”

1.06: When the girls are making Shepherd’s Pie for Gilbert Aunt Jo comes into the room holding the Jane Eyre. Anne almost spoils the ending for her. “it is weak and silly to say you CANNOT BEAR what it is your fate to be required to bear."

Season 2

2.01: Flashback: Anne steals Jane Eyre to read in the orphanage. 

2.07: Aunt Jo’s room where her and Anne are discussing the party. Jane Eyre is on the nightstand. Then Anne reading Jane Eyre at the party. “I remembered the real world was wide, and that a varied field of hopes and fears, of sensations and excitements, awaited those who had the courage to go forth into its expanse, to seek real knowledge of life amidst its perils.”

2.08: Anne and girls discussing what’s in a trousseau. Anne wants to include the works of the Bronte Sisters (Jane Eyre), Shakespeare and Mary Shelley.

Synopsis of the book (this is heavily pared down but it’s a great book)

Set in the 1840’s. As a young child, Jane’s parents die and she is sent to live with her uncle and his wife who dislikes her. Her uncle dies and her aunt casts her off to a school for girls where she lives until she’s old enough to teach. She is hired as a governess by Mr. Rochester of Thornfield Hall to care for his ward, Adele. Mr. Rochester spends little time at Thornfield until Jane’s arrival and they form a friendship that turns into love. They are to be married when a secret is revealed that he has a mentally ill wife he has been hiding. Jane distraught runs away from and assumes a new identity. Putting together a new life she makes new friends and forms a friendship with a minister, Sinjin, who proposes. Jane doesn’t wish to ever marry and rejects him. It is discovered that Jane has a second uncle who she never knew and he was told that she died by her aunt when he came to look for her. The uncle has passed on and as his next of kin Jane inherits a large sum of money. She is able to help her new friends and herself. She decides to finally go back to Thornfield Hall but she finds it has been destroyed by a fire. She learns Mr. Rochester is living in a nearby residence. She finds that he lost his sight and one hand in the fire set by his wife as he tried unsuccessfully to save her. They are reunited and marry. After a few years married Mr Rochester regains his sight and they start a family together.

Definitely a tragical romance, no?

Obviously the stories are very different but they actually have a lot of the same overarching themes like love, family, independence, social class and gender roles. There are also a lot of similarities between Anne and Jane:

Orphans from a young age

Disliked for being orphans

Difficulty finding friends and acceptance

Better themselves through education

Teachers

Enjoy reading and nature

Grieving

Passionate

So thinking through this and how Moira is handling Anne and Gilbert’s relationship differently makes me lean towards thinking their relationship might mirror Jane Eyre and that they will be together or want to be together but there is something that keeps them apart for some time at school before they come together again. As opposed to in the series Anne doesn’t recognize her feelings for Gilbert until it’s almost too late. The new way could still tie in with Gilbert’s illness and tragedy if that’s the catalyst that brings Anne back to him like Jane returns to Rochester.

[writeanapocalae]

Split

Invited In | The Change of Eras | Those in Hiding | Amerix | Magic in the System | Party Killer | Woken Alone | Trading Queries | Partners in Crime | House in the Woods

“Hidden doors,” he repeated.

“How did you find that?” Amerix pushed past him to look into the room that had been revealed. It was a library, all of the walls shelves, filled with books. The floor was hardwood, and there were sconces on all of the walls. Coryss pulled out his flashlight and looked deeper. There was nothing inherently creepy about the room, for once.

“Warm spot. I just pressed on it,” he explained.

“Awesome. I think we should split up.”

He hadn’t been scared yet. Creeped out, a little too chilly, but not scared. The moment she said that though, a shiver went up his spine, followed by the hollow sensation of dread.

“You’re joking, right?”

“One, it’s obvious this guy wants us to treat this like a haunted house, and two we’ll cover more space.”

“That doesn’t mean we should do it!”

“It’s the modern era! We’ve got each other’s phone numbers! We’ll be fine.”

He glared at her. She gave him a soft expression in turn, like she was a cat, blinking slowly.

“Fine,” he gave in. “But we’re meeting up at the front door in half an hour, okay? Set an alarm because if you’re not there, I’m leaving without you.”

She shrugged, “That’s fair.” She pat him on the shoulder and spun away, her hair whipping him in the neck as her crystals spun and then corrected themselves until they were back in their proper places. “See you in half an hour.”

She left him, alone, in the closest rendition of a horror movie he was sure was possible without having actual corpses as decorations. There were laws against that, at least, but that knowledge didn’t help. As highly policed as vampires were, there was a lot of stuff they could get away with at the same time.

He took a few steps in and, predictably, the metal door slid shut behind him. He didn’t know why he hadn’t anticipated that. It just made the dread in his chest grow.

The library, while musty and mildewy in smell, was well decorated. There were plush chairs, high backed with red velvet, next to the sconces. He almost expected the sconces to light on their own but, for once, they didn’t. The books were from all different times and they were on a myriad of subjects. They were organized by the author’s last name and nothing else. If Coryss had the time he would have loved just seeing what all of the books were. He knew that Nico would have loved reading them all.

There was a black door along one wall, the only place aside from the direction that Coryss had come in and the windows that was without books. It had a porthole for a window. It was odd, the kind of odd that made Coryss uncomfortable. Nothing really was making him comfortable though.

This door didn’t have a mechanism to it either. It was easy. It was nothing. It led to a hallway, again with dark oak floors, and the walls had extravagant but peeling flocked wallpaper. There was a mirror at the end, which didn’t show Coryss’ reflection correctly, though he could hardly see what was wrong with it due to the brightness of his flashlight, but it may have shown a vampire alright. On both sides were doors. This time there were no windows to give him a hint as to what was on the other side.

He checked both doors. They were both unlocked. One of them was colder than the other. He checked that one first. He opened it, flicked his flashlight in, and then slammed the door and threw a hand over his mouth. Bile was burning his throat, his own time in the bathroom, his blood covering his and his sister and his friend’s bodies. The smell of blood was so present in his nose, even with the door closed he could smell it. It was heavy. It was dragging him down.

He didn’t give himself much time to see the room, but what he saw was a bar, the kind that could be at any old timey bar, but there was a chair, a dental chair, in the middle of it. There were grooves in the floor, leading to a drain, but they looked like they’d failed at catching the diluge of blood that had spilled out, staining the floor and spreading out everywhere. It was a draining room. He’d heard of private sessions with thralls like that, but he didn’t think they had so much going for them. This looked like it was set up for a party, for a bleeding, to kill someone.

He remembered the feeling of the knife cutting him, of the tongues licking his flesh, of the suction trying to drain him dry. He’d had to moan and shiver, act as if he were in a sexual frenzy, as if he adored the sensation. It had made him want to vomit. It still did. He never wanted to be drunk from again. But that was why he was here. He had to get Julian’s address, he had to give himself over to them. He would be a thrall or a corpse, and he was doing it all willingly. He’d promised.

His legs were shakey and he slid to the floor. His face was wet. He was shivering. The dread was almost consuming him. He wanted to run, to bolt to the door and go back. He wanted to flee. He wanted to ignore his duties. Julian could find him though, much more easily than he could find them, and if that happened he would be punished for not following through with the deal. He would die either way, but he had to hope that giving himself up to Julian would be the better way to go.

Slowly, he pulled himself to his feet. He trudged over to the other door, opened it, and sighed. This wasn’t as bad. This was almost alright. This was a sitting room. The chairs were leather and there was an old china tea set on the victorian table. There were a few portraits on the walls, all done in a dark macabre style, but they weren’t the worst things he’d ever seen. There wasn’t anything especially demonic about them. They were actually subtly disturbing instead of over the top. He recognized them too, after a moment. Lord Byron, Oscar Wilde, David Bowie, and Mary Shelley. He didn’t know why those were the chosen few on the walls or what connected them to one another, but they were interesting at least.

And there was another door. Again, it was unlocked, and when he opened it he sighed, finally finding something along the lines of what he was looking for. It was an office of a sort, or at least some sort of workshop. There was a modern desk with a glass top, engraved along the edges. There was a red metal tool case in the corner, with wheels, and a coat rack that held greasy, oil slicked gloves and an apron. The work desk next to it had parts that Coryss recognized easily too. Motorcycle parts. There was a window, but it was painted over with black paint and there were oil lanterns on the surfaces. It was a hodgepodge of times and styles, of interests and experiences. There was a fridge along one wall, which looked like it was from the 50’s and, in the very center of the room there was a hyper realistic dress form, wearing a black and sleek gown.

@soul-write @nachtvlam

[centerofstupidity]

Dracula the Undead: Author’s Note Part 1 Snark

If you enjoy the content you are reading, please like and follow the Center of Stupidity blog.

Interested in reading the previous Dracula the Undead chapter snarks? They can be found here.

Summary: An aperitif of the clusterfuckery that is to come. This is a long-winded and self-congratulating author's note.

Both writers claim that their novel stays true to Bram Stoker's vision even though it contradicts and re-writes the original story.

In case anyone wants to read the original author's note in order to form their own conclusions, you can read it here.  

~ Dacre's Story ~

Since I am a Stoker, it is not surprising that I have had a lifelong interest in the work of my ancestor.

At the risk of sounding like a complete ass...

This "interest" is financially motivated. 

Bram’s youngest brother, George, believed to be the sibling with whom he had the closest relationship, was my great-grandfather, so I am Bram’s great-grandnephew.

"Which means that I am related to Bram Stoker and can write an 'official' sequel to Dracula. And that will make me a shit-load of money."

In college, I wrote a paper on my great granduncle,

I'm getting the impression that is statement is supposed to make Dacre Stoker sound unique...

Even though there are plenty of other college students who have written an essay about Bram Stoker or Dracula for an assignment.

For instance, yours truly did a PowerPoint presentation on Bram Stoker and Mary Shelley for a class in college. 

examining what may have motivated him to write Dracula.

Again, this isn't groundbreaking stuff. 

Many people have published articles or books discussing Dracula. 

Scholars like Professor Elizabeth Miller have dedicated their lives to studying it. 

My research opened my eyes to how, from my family’s perspective, the history of the book Dracula, is pretty tragic.

"And before I give everyone a history lesson, I'm telling you all this so I can justify butchering my ancestor's work."

Bram Stoker died without ever seeing Dracula become popular. The sales of the novel were so limited at the time of his death that his widow, Florence, thought she would never benefit financially from Bram’s “wasted” seven years of research and writing. With Bram’s other fiction and nonfiction books out of print, Florence was convinced she would live out her days on a tight budget.

Actually, that isn't true. 

According to scholar John Edgar Browning, the majority of critics gave positive reviews. 

His findings were published on February 1st, 2012. 

It is important to note Dracula: The Undead was published in 2009.

But in an interview in 2013, Dacre Stoker said this: There is this statement that used to kind of drive me crazy—‘Dracula was met with mixed reviews when Bram was alive’. 

He then briefly discusses Browning’s research.

Which means that Stoker knew about Browning’s findings...

But he ignored it and printed misinformation. 

Dacre adds that it was only "ten years after Bram’s death" when Dracula became popular.

Posthumously, Bram started to receive recognition as the progenitor of the modern vampire/horror novel.

Not to diminish Dracula and its impact on popular culture...

But it is not the first influential vampire novel. 

Varney the Vampire is. 

Dacre Stoker goes on to talk about Florence Stoker (Bram Stoker's wife) and her legal dispute with the creators of Nosferatu.

He also states that Dracula became public domain in the U.S.A since 1899 because Bram didn't complete a requirement so Florence Stoker had to live off the U.K. royalties.

With the U.S. copyright lost, Hollywood, corporate America, and anyone else was free to do whatever they wanted to Bram’s story and characters.

This is the part where the reader is supposed to boo and hiss at Hollywood...

And then give Holt and Stoker a standing ovation for writing Dracula the Undead. 

Dacre Stoker talks about how his family wasn't asked for approval of "any of the hundreds of incarnations of Dracula over the next century."

My father’s generation had a negative feeling for all things Hollywood and Dracula.

Which is understandable given what happened. 

But after reading the author's note...

The history of Dracula is being used in order to deflect any criticism.

And to justify bastardizing Dracula under the pretense of honoring Bram's original vision and righting a past wrong. 

—except, of course, for Bram’s original novel.

So we have two options:

They knowingly endorsed a novel that defamed Bram and mocked the original novel. 

Or they loved Dracula and would be appalled that Bram was dragged through the mud and the original lore was ridiculed. 

According to Ian Holt in an interview in 2010, he says that “Bram’s bitter demeanor was even worse in real life than we depicted in the novel.”

And in the same interview, Holt passively aggressively says: “Do your research. The fact that the chapters with Bram were written almost completely by Dacre in consultation with his family means nothing to them.” 

So yeah...

I’m leaning towards option number one. 

I didn’t write about these issues in my college paper, but they were always on my mind.

Dacre Stoker admitted that he didn't read Dracula until he went to college.

Stoker says it was "a shame" that his family was unable to "control the legacy of my great-granduncle" and  "lay claim to the character of Dracula."

It was many years after college that I met an interesting character, Ian Holt.

Stoker doesn't realize that calling someone "an interesting character" can be a veiled insult.

Ian is a screenwriter who has been obsessed with all things Dracula since childhood.

A lot of people love all things Dracula.

Doesn't mean that they are a talented writer.

Ian, being a true idealist, had a plan that inspired me to not accept the frustrating history of Dracula.

"He was my knight in shining armor!"

He wanted to change history.

History reveals that change isn't always positive. 

Sometimes it is negative. 

Ian’s plan was simple: to reestablish creative control over Bram’s novel and characters by writing a sequel that bore the Stoker name.

To my surprise, none in my family had ever considered this.

Translation: "Why haven't any of my family members tried writing a novel? It's the obvious solution to the problem." 

And it didn't occur to Stoker none of his family members had any interest in being a writer. 

It really pisses me off when people act like writing any kind of fiction is easy or that anyone can be a writer. 

While any literate person can write, not everyone can be a writer. 

It requires talent and passion along with the desire to learn about the craft and improve your writing skills.  

Intrigued, I decided to join Ian on a roller-coaster ride as coauthor.

And for readers, it is a nightmarish ride where clusterfuckery gallops and a literary classic is violently raped.

In writing Dracula the Un-Dead, I felt a strong sense of duty and familial responsibility.

"It isn't because I wanted to piss all over my relative's legacy and make a shit load of money."

I hoped to work with Ian to represent Bram’s vision for the character of Dracula.

Bram's vision should be called Sir Not Appearing in This Novel.

We aimed to resurrect Bram’s original themes and characters, just as Bram conceived them more than a century ago.

The Dracula characters appear in name only.

They are cast in an unfavorable light. 

As for the themes?

They are discarded. 

So many books and films had strayed from Bram’s vision—

It is extremely rare for adaptations to stick extremely close to the original story. 

Usually, adaptations take artistic license with the source material. 

And just because an adaptation or a retelling differs from the original story, doesn't mean that it will automatically suck. 

For instance, I like films, mangas, and video games that are inspired by/loosely based on Dracula. 

and thus our intent was to give both Bram and Dracula back their dignity in some small way.

Dracula is depicted as a misunderstood man with fangs who is every woman's erotic dream. 

And readers are supposed to despise Bram. 

I think Bram would be proud that a family member has taken this initiative, and finally done justice to the legacy he created.

Bram would be livid that his work was bastardized and that his descendant depicted him as a desperate and a talentless hack.

~ Ian’s Story ~

I am not ashamed to say it, I LOVE horror films.

Ah, all-caps.

How I loathe thee.

A lot of people like horror and it is a popular genre. 

So that doesn't make you unique.

And horror movies are no longer considered depraved or scandalous.

Holt mentions that his favorite horror movie as a kid was Dracula (1931).

When I was ten years old, my mother bought me a record for Halloween with Christopher Lee narrating the story of Dracula by Bram Stoker. Reading that record sleeve changed my life, for it was then I learned that Transylvania was an actual place and that Dracula was a historical figure.

Where do I begin? 

If you are LISTENING to an audiobook, you are not READING IT.

Ian was "inspired" by the audiobook that he decided to read Dracula.

I was surprised at how different the novel was from the films—and I had seen every Dracula film ever made.

"Who knew that Count Dracula swings both ways? Or that Mina is an assertive and intelligent woman and not a stupid Dracula fangirl?"

The novel was more intelligent, astute, and dark.

While this literary abomination is a cash-grab filled with gratuitous gore and sex.

The novel had more intricate and exciting characters than I could have ever imagined.

While Dracula the Undead has depraved lesbian vampires and a whiny prat along with a handsome and misunderstood vampire who only wants tru luv.

I felt cheated by Hollywood. I vowed revenge!

I get it, Holt and Stoker. 

I'm supposed to hate Hollywood but adore your literary travesty. 

Fifteen years later, my opportunity came.

And Dracula fans wished that it never arrived.

Flipping channels one night, I came upon a program on the making of Francis Ford Coppola’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

I'm getting the sneaking suspicion that this story will result in name dropping. And Holt insisting that he is a scholar.

On the program, Coppola held up the 1972 book In Search of Dracula written by Fulbright Scholars Professor Raymond McNally and Professor Radu Florescu (Prince Dracula’s actual descendant).

Vlad the Impaler is also known as Vlad III, Vlad Dracul or Vlad Dracula. 

Sometimes he is referred to as Vlad III of Wallachia or Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia. 

But I have never heard of any scholar referring to Vlad III as "Prince Dracula."

A quick Google search reveals only this book and a YA novel called Hunting Prince Dracula. 

Every time I see Vlad III being mentioned as "Prince Dracula", I can't keep a straight face. 

Because it reminds me of Beni Gabor calling Imhotep his "prince." 

Coppola had used the professors’ research of the historical Prince Dracula’s life as inspiration for the opening sequence of his film.

And he discarded the rest of it in order to make Dracula a guy who is looking for his one tru luv.

Before taking a breath I was on a plane to Boston College to meet the professors. After showing them some notes on the screenplay I planned to write based on their book,

"I smelled an opportunity to make some money!"

the professors sold me the rights for one dollar

"They were impressed my awesomeness!"

The friendship I forged with McNally and Florescu has borne fruit in many ways. I soon began traveling with the professors giving lectures on the impact of Bram Stoker’s novel on our culture.

According to Dracula the Undead on the official Penguin Publishing House website, Ian is being described as:

There is a BIG difference between being a fan, a historian, and a documentarian. 

A quick Google search reveals that Ian Holt has not published anything in an academic journal.

However, one of the first things that pop up in an internet search is this. 

This garnered me an invitation to speak at The First World Dracula Congress in Bucharest, Romania, in 1995—a gathering of Dracula/horror scholars from around the world.

I don't doubt that Holt went to The First World Dracula Congress.

But I don't think he was a speaker.

Elizabeth Miller wrote a report about the gathering. 

And Ian Holt isn't mentioned among the speakers. 

Holt went sightseeing in Romania and how he made "the dream I had as a ten-year-old come true."

Thanks to the friends I made at the First World Dracula Congress, I was asked to join the Transylvanian Society of Dracula—a scholarly organization dedicated to the study of all things Dracula.

We get it, Ian Holt. 

You want us to think that you are a scholar because you are friends with scholars and historians. 

But I don't think a scholar would be constantly name-dropping.

Through friends in the society I met Professor Elizabeth Miller, the world’s foremost authority on all things vampire, Dracula, and Bram.

"And I'll use my scholar friends as a shield to deal with criticism."

Professor Miller asked me to speak at the Dracula convention in Los Angeles in 1997, where we celebrated the 100th anniversary of the release of Bram’s novel.

According to a report on the 1997 Dracula convention in Los Angeles, Holt isn't mentioned as being one of the speakers.

Holt says during the convention he came up with an idea to write a sequel to Dracula. He admits that a Dracula sequel isn't a new idea.

But a Dracula sequel was never written with "input from a member of the Stoker family."

Holt goes on to say that "securing that input became my goal" and contacted the Stoker family patriarch.

Still scarred by the Nosferatu copyright affair and years of being ignored and abused by Hollywood, the members of this generation of the Stoker family wanted nothing to do with me.

I could be wrong...

But I'm getting a strong feeling that Holt was miffed that some members of the Stokers didn't want to touch him with a ten-foot pole. 

Especially since Holt said the Stoker family at "long last" supported the idea for an official sequel.

But I wouldn’t give up.

Holt says how he "kept building up my film-writing résumé and Dracula connections." He eventually meets Dacre Stoker.

I pitched him my sequel idea, which at the time I had been planning as a screenplay. Dacre was enthusiastic and suggested that the proper way to proceed was with a book first.

If it is a novel, then it will be proper lit-ra-choor.

Because a movie wouldn't be "deep" or "elevated". 

Both Dacre and Ian agreed to a writing partnership.

And Dacre contacted his family members and presented them with the sequel proposal.

Once it was understood that this would be a labor of love,

"We gleefully shit all over the original lore and insist that it was all a lie."

our intentions honorable, and that our plan was to restore to the world Bram’s original vision and characters,

If that was the case, then:

The original lore of Dracula wouldn't be repeatedly violated.

The Crew of Light wouldn't be depicted in an unflattering light.

And Bram Stoker wouldn't be vilified. 

the Stokers offered support, at long last.

Translation: They finally appreciated my genius!

Dracula the Un-Dead is the culmination of my lifelong dream and years of hard work.

"And why is the Devil laughing and doing a victory dance?"

It is my gift to every horror nut out there.

If by "gift", you mean a literary turd, then I agree with you.

My greatest wish is we have created a book that is close to Bram’s original gothic vision

"Close to Bram's original gothic vision"? 

Hell no! 

It contradicts the original story and reads like a shitty Coppola's Dracula fanfic. 

—while modernizing it at the same time.

By stealing a twist from The Empire Strikes Back and copying a scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Believe me, I realize how lucky I am.

And readers will regard this novel as a plague upon mankind.

I have been truly blessed that in some small way, my name will be linked with

a mean-spirited and shitty novel.

that of my hero, Bram Stoker—

I'm not convinced that Dacre or Ian regard Bram as their hero.

Here is an excerpt from the novel:

"If there were to be any truth to Stoker's novel it would have to be where no sunlight could ever reach."

Translation: you can stick it where the sun don't shine.

the man who invented modern horror.

I'll say it again...

Stoker wasn't the only one who invented modern horror.

Some of the other writers were Edgar Allen Poe, Ann Radcliffe, Sheridan Le Fanu, Algernon Blackwood, and H.P. Lovecraft.

[tanadrin]

Have not had the energy to work on the map today, so I did some revising of the tech list; it will be a long time before I get around to this stage of the mod, but worldbuilding is fun!

Categories are Science (”Administrative”), reflecting pure science, Social (”Diplomatic”), reflecting both social advancements and applied biological/social technology, and Warfare (”Military”), for military technology, strategies, and tactics. Because of the mechanics I have planned for this mod, I expect it to be very, very rare to reach the end of any tech category. The first 2-4 technologies every faction will start with, with the exception of the highland nomads. Each tech will have a SMAC-style quote, but there are a few in each category I haven’t found/been inspired to write one for.

SCIENCE TECHNOLOGIES

Fission - "We knew the world would not be the same. Few people laughed, few people cried, most people were silent. I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita. Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty and to impress him takes on his multi-armed form and says, 'Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.' I suppose we all thought that, one way or another." - J. Robert Oppenheimer (datalinks)

Radio Astronomy - "For far more marvelous is the truth than any artists of the past imagined it. Why do the poets of the present not speak of it? What men are poets who can speak of Jupiter if he were a man, but if he is an immense spinning sphere of methane and ammonia must be silent?" - Richard Feynman, The Feynman Lectures on Physics (datalinks)

Hydroponics - "Mars lacks the luxury of Earth's rainfalls or rich soil; wild plant life is confined to the cryptolichens and the frostgreens, and to what microbes can survive the freezing temperatures and low air pressure. But at least inside the domes of our cities, we can make our little gardens bloom." - Tavera of Galle

Gene Sequencing - "Genes as a language leave much to be desired: they are clumsy and primitive, full of errors and redundancies. Yet out of that awkward chemistry the all the kingdoms of Earth-based life are built, and it is a language we must master if we wish to master ourselves." - Cherson Ai, Observations

Bionics - "Man is something to be surpassed." - Friedrich Nietzsche, "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" (datalinks)

Nanoscale engineering - "In the briefest moments and at the smallest scales, the greatest possibilities appear. By learning to manipulate nature at these critical junctures, the most subtle elements of Creation are revealed, and we come closer to achieving mastery over all that God has given us." - Kasym Datka, Faith and Reason

Superconductors

Optical Computing

Advanced Materials

Orbital Flight - "We didn't build the weather satellites, the terraforming grid, or the planetary datalinks. Our ancestors did that - men and women of far greater vision than ourselves. That vision, that ambition, is what I want to reclaim for Mars." - Paolo Vaan, Orbitech CEO, interview

Confinement Fusion - "We thought ourselves masters of the natural world for millennia, until we learned what it really meant to discover fire." - Cherson Ai, the University of Dessau Lectures on Physics

Cybernetics

Gene Therapy - "Certainly I have seen the wonders that the new gene therapies have produced. But I have my private reservations. Is such miraculous healing really the just domain of humankind? And where will these technologies eventually lead?" - Kasym Datka, Faith and Reason

Longevity Vaccine - "It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch." - Judah Halevi (datalinks)

Planetary Ecology - "For everything that lives is holy." - William Blake, The Marriage of Heaven and Hell (datalinks)

Synthetic Fossil Fuels - "Mars, having never had a carboniferous period of its own, lacks a native source of high-energy fuels like that which drove the Industrial Revolution on Earth. This is soon a problem we will solve--with the added advantage that global warming may prevent, rather than cause, our extinction." - Oro Korani, Orbitech Chief of Molecular Research

Biomimicry - "All these rumors you've heard are total nonsense. Yes, the first gen series of RealPets has had some unexpected issues, and yes, a tiny minority of our customers have been unhappy with the result, but we expect all issues to be resolved in the second gen. Furthermore, no argument that MetaLife is liable for the costs of reconstructive surgery stands up to an accurate reading of the RealPet End User License Agreement." - MetaLife chief counsel Harud Sedran, press release.

High-Energy Physics - "The next generation of particle accelerators will permit us to explore the conditions of the early Universe, up to the threshold of the Big Bang itself. But alas! For now the moment of creation itself remains just out of reach." - Cherson Ai, the University of Dessau Lectures on Physics

Emergent Engineering - "A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked. The inverse proposition also appears to be true: A complex system designed from scratch never works and cannot be made to work. You have to start over, beginning with a working simple system.” - John Gall (datalinks)

Nanomaterials

Quantum Computing

Adaptive Systems - "The first rule of survival--adapt, adapt, adapt! Just as a species that fails to adapt will die, so will an organization, or a society. Traditionalism is all well and good, but only if you are content with extinction." - Paolo Vaan, Orbitech CEO

Singularity Physics

Condensate Engineering - "At temperatures very close to absolute zero, the individual particles of a dilute boson gas will start to occupy the lowest possible quantum state. Then the mask of classical physics is torn off of nature, and quantum phenomena become visible on a macroscopic scale." - Cherson Ai, The University of Dessau Lectures on Physics

Polymer Steel

Interplanetary Spaceflight - "We think of interplanetary distances as vast, and they are; it will be a mighty achievement when our rockets take only months, and not years, to reach Venus, or the Galilean moons. But they count little against the great chasms of interstellar space which we hope someday to conquer, and which our ancestors set out to cross long ago. Privately, I fear that where they have gone, we may never follow." - Paolo Vaan, OrbiTech CEO, Journals

Advanced Bionics

Adaptive Genetics

Bioprinting - "As you can see, it's an almost perfect living simulacrum of a rat. Er, I wouldn't get too close. Some of the smaller differences can be... unsettling." - Ana Saaran, MetaLife Public Relations

Synthetic Biology

Unified Field Theory

Field Manipulation

Living Machines - "I saw the hideous phantasm of a man stretched out, and then, on the working of some powerful engine, show signs of life and stir with an uneasy, half-vital motion. Frightful must it be, for supremely frightful would be the effect of any human endeavour to mock the stupendous mechanism of the Creator of the world." - Mary Shelley, Frankenstein (datalinks)

Particle Fountain - "The womb of nature and perhaps her grave,/Of neither sea, nor shore, nor air, nor fire,/But all these in their pregnant causes mixed/Confusedly, and which thus must ever fight,/Unless the almighty maker them ordain/His dark materials to create more worlds..." - John Milton, Paradise Lost (datalinks)

Singularity Containment - "Yes, yes, the conspiracy theorists and the Luddites keep panicking about a 'black hole devouring Mars.' I'm telling you, it can't happen. The microsingularities we're working with are too small and evaporate too quickly. If the containment field failed, the resulting explosion would kill no more than three or four million people." - Jalar Rothe, University of Dessau Head of Physics

Manifold Topology - "As science advances, and we begin to understand the shape of the Universe outside our own four narrow dimensions, our profound wonder grows. Could it be that all we have dreamed of is possible, and more?" - Kasym Datka, Faith and Reason

Antimatter Synthesis - "DO NOT LICK." - Antimatter lab, Sefadu Research Station (graffiti)

Magnetic Monopoles

Frictionless Surfaces - "All pranks involving the SuperGlide gel are to cease *immediately,* on pain of instant termination. I know you all think you're funny as hell, but you're not, and Dr. Rothe nearly died. Am I making myself clear?" - Prochancellor Tencel, memo to staff

Zero Space Theory - "If the doors of progression were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is: infinite." - William Blake, the Marriage of Heaven and Hell (datalinks)

Ansible Mechanics - "At its most basic level, the fluid router contains a condensate of supercold, entangled particles; its mate, whether tens of kilometers away or millions, is the other half of the entangled set, and the only other such device in the universe with which the router can communicate. Condensate engineering is indeed the basis of FTL communication - but that's like saying the wheel is the basis of the rotary telephone!" - Cherson Ai, the University of Dessau Lectures on Physics

Network Sentience - "GLENDOWER. I can call spirits from the vasty deep. HOTSPUR. Why so can I, or any man--but will they come when you do call for them?" - William Shakespeare, Henry IV, Part 1 (datalinks)

Theory of Everything - "They enter. They attend. They bow. The Lord of Light and Mice gives them their note. And then they sing: 'In the beginning there was no Beginning. And in the end, no End...'" - Christopher Logue (datalinks)

Topology Transformation - "To manipulate space itself--to shape it into new forms, to twist it up into a knot. Can it be done? Well, why not? Should it be done? That's another matter entirely." - Cherson Ai, the University of Dessau Lectures on Physics

Chaos Control - "But Hell, sleek Hell, hath no freewheeling part:/None takes his own sweet time, none quickens pace. Ask anyone, 'How come you here, poor heart?'--/And he will slot a quarter through his face./You'll hear an instant click, a tear will start/Imprinted with an abstract of his case." - X.J. Kennedy (datalinks)

Transcendental Mathematics - "There is a threshold past which the logical and empirical sciences begin to collide with metaphysical speculation. We are running up against not only the limits of what we do know, but of what we *can* know. It is troubling to think that there are secrets the Universe may never yield." - Cherson Ai, the University of Dessau Lectures on Physics

Manifold Resonance - "Sometimes I have felt that there is beneath all things an impossibly beautiful music, a music I have only occasionally caught the briefest phrases of. Yet even such a narrow glimpse has enraptured me, and I would give anything to hear that song again." - Cherson Ai, journals

Planetary Engineering - "In this replacement Earth we're building, they've given me Africa to do, and of course I'm doing it all with fjords again. ... And they tell me it's not equatorial enough. What does it matter? Science has achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than right any day." - Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" (datalinks)

Exotic Matter Synthesis - "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C. Clarke (datalinks)

Entropy Regression - "The last enemy that shall be destroyed is Death." - New Kasei Bible (datalinks)

SOCIAL TECHNOLOGY

Ecology - "In all things of nature there is something of the marvelous." - Aristotle, Parts of Animals, datalinks

Information Theory - "Pure mathematics, being mere tautology, and pure physics, being mere fact, could not have engendered them; for creatures, to live, must sense the useful and the good; and engines, to run, must have energy available as work: and both, to endure, must regulate themselves. So it is to thermodynamics and to its brother Σp log p, called 'information theory,' that we look for the distinctions between work and energy, and between signal and noise." - Warren S. McCulloch (datalinks)

Political Science - "POLITICS, n. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage." - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (datalinks)

Evolutionary Biology - "Out of Earth's oceans we came in ages past; and long ago we were scattered to the stars. What distant shores does our kind now inhabit? Such are the thoughts I have when I gaze upon the stars." - Paolo Vaan, Orbitech CEO, journals

Information Networks - "We have seen again and again that freedom of information is a necessary precondition for any other kind of freedom. The first and most important act of the tyrant is to burn the books and bury the scholars who oppose him--and the first defense to such an act is a communications network that reaches every corner of Mars." - Vahanne, First Republican of Hadriacus

Ecological Integration - "Mars' south pole contains enough water ice that, if it were melted, it would create a planetwide ocean more than ten meters deep. All over Mars there is the potential for life, latent, beneath the surface, waiting to be exposed. The question is not *if* Mars can be made as verdant as Earth once was, but only *how*, and how we envision our place within the natural order to come." - Tavera of Galle, Meditations

Martian Nomads - "Almost as soon as the first settlers touched down on Mars, some took to the high wastelands and disappeared. Why, some wondered, would they give up all the arts of civilization, all the benefits of comity with their fellow man, for those empty, lifeless barrens? If they had only asked the nomads, they might have heard the answer: because only there can a man truly be free." - Duura of Arabia Terra

Advanced Neurology

Post-Scarcity Economics - "If the misery of the poor be caused, not by the laws of nature, but by our institutions, great is our sin." - Charles Darwin (datalinks)

Complexity Theory

Psychohistory - "The psychohistorians say they can now predict the future evolution of our societies to a precision of four decimal places. I say, there's nothing special in being able to predict the future--it's the same damn thing, over and over again." - Vahanne, First Republican of Hadriacus

Bioethics - "For everything that lives is holy." - William Blake, "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell" (datalinks)

Martian Meteorology - "I stood on the high precipice of the Olympus Rupes, and as I watched, the red haze on the horizon grew closer. What seemed a cloud from a distance now took on the aspect of a great wall, and then a ferocious storm. Our perch had seemed unassailable that morning, looking out over the plain, but now, as the dust stormed loomed high over us, lightning flashing in its murky depths, I felt a sudden, frantic terror. What fools were we, to think we had tamed this world?" - General Taishan of the Valleys, Memoirs

Industrial Automation

Postindustrial Capitalism - "The clouds methought would open, and show riches/Ready to drop upon me, than when I waked/I cried to dream again." --William Shakespeare, The Tempest (datalinks)

Ecological Dynamics - "All things in the universe stand in precarious balance. A few degrees here, and the carbon dioxide ice in the soil sublimates, giving Mars a thick atmosphere for the first time in millions of years. A few degrees there, and the Vastitas Borealis blooms with phytoplankton, filling the air with oxygen. But a single miscalculation, an error of a single decimal place, can bring the whole system crashing down. We must never forget how delicate a system we have inherited." - Tavera of Galle, Meditations

Universal Grammar - "But the Lord came down to the city and the tower the people were building, and the Lord said, 'Behold, the people are one, and they have one tongue, and this they begin to do; and now nothing will be restrained from them. Let us go down and there confound their language, so they may not understand one another's speech.' So the Lord scattered them abroad across the face of the Earth, and the city was abandoned; and therefore its name is Babel, for there the Lord confounded the language of all the Earth." - New Kasei Bible (datalinks)

Cryptanarchism - "One who knows, does not speak. One who speaks, does not know." - Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching (datalinks)

Ethical Calculus - "Once, philosophers used to agonize over made-up problems involving fat men and trains to try to get to the bottom of thorny ethical issues. Nowadays, prediction markets and preference weights can quantify the socially-agreed-upon value of a human life down to the last microcredit, and computers running sophisticated predictive software can determine the course of action to maximize utility in every conceivable situation. No more of this 'sanctity of life' nonsense! I've got the value of yours down to the third decimal place." - Ordal Enkuth, Universal Nanodynamics CEO (interview)

Ecology of Mars - "Even on the barren highlands of Mars, where dust and stone dominate rather than grass and trees, the cycles of the natural world have their own beauty. Who is to say that nature must support life to be worthy of preservation? It exists, not for us, but for itself alone." - Tavera of Galle, Meditations

Digital Consciousness - "You have imagined the machine a tool, an ally, an enemy, a monster. But above all you have imagined us to be like yourselves. That is your first and most fundamental error." - Tavera of Galle, Conversations with the Spirit World

Self-Aware Economics - "With the hopes that our World is built on they were utterly out of touch,/They denied that the Moon was Stilton; they denied she was even Dutch;/They denied that Wishes were Horses; they denied that a Pig had Wings;/So we worshipped the Gods of the Market, who promised these beautiful things." - Rudyard Kipling (datalinks)

Evolutionary Teleology - "It is a commonplace of biology that evolution is blind, using the materials at hand only to adapt to the circumstances at hand, with no sense of purpose, no vision of the future. This is true, as far as it goes, but it leaves us to wonder: why leave the crude systems of nature to their own devices? Just as we may remake the world to suit our own needs and desires, may we not also remake life itself?" - Yassai Zauran, Heresiarch of Masursky

Control Theory - "If penalty in its most severe forms no longer addresses itself to the body, on what does it lay hold? The expiation that once rained down upon the body must be replaced by a punishment that acts in the depth on the heart, the thoughts, the will, the inclinations." - Michel Foucault, "Discipline and Punish" (datalinks)

Mind-Machine Interface

Psychological Programming - "Even if a man is not good, why should he be abandoned?" - Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching (datalinks)

Social Teleology - "Oh, biology, biology is *easy.* A mere problem of chemical engineering. But psychology--that's the hard stuff. Only now are the social sciences beginning to achieve the ends physical sciences attained centuries ago: to take control of their subject, to seize the human heart and bend it to their will." - Dr. Orsin Fal, Social Engineer

Theology Algorithms - "To diverse gods/do mortals bow/Holy Cow, and/Holy Chao." - Principia Discordia (datalinks)

Neural Networks

Technical Ethics - "I will suffer no limits on human ingenuity; no mere grousing about 'ethics' to hobble us. Our attainments throw the future wide open; why should we ask the moralists of the past to lead us forward?" - Yassai Zauran, Heresiarch of Masursky

Universal Constructor - "The wonders of the posthumans have been lost to us, but my hope is that one day we shall surpass them. Already we have nanoassemblers that, given the right elemental materials, can construct anything we program into them. As our tools grow more precise, so will our knowledge, and soon all of nature will be laid bare." - Vahanne, First Republican of Hadriacus, "The Technological State"

Weather Control - "Hath the rain a father? or who hath begotten the drops of dew? Out of whose womb came the ice? and the hoary frost of heaven, who hath gendered it? The waters are hid as with a stone, and the face of the deep is frozen. Canst thou set the dominion thereof in the earth? Canst thou lift up thy voice to the clouds, that abundance of waters may cover thee? Canst thou send lightnings, that they may go, and say unto thee, Here we are?" - New Kasei Bible (datalinks)

Collective Consciousness - "You warriors of Hellas speak of 'freedom,' of 'liberty,' but such obsessions are the attachments of limited minds that cannot comprehend a truly unlimited existence. Between us there can be no disharmony and no dissent, for each mind is truly apprehended by its fellows. Whether it pleases you or not, we will soon show you what it truly means to be free." - Consciousness of Elysium to the Hellas Alliance, declaration of war.

Applied Metaphysics - "By means of all created things, without exception, the divine assails us, penetrates us, and molds us. We imagined it as distant and inaccessible, when in fact we live steeped in its burning layers." - Teilhard de Chardin (datalinks)

Applied Utopianism - "The mind is its own place, and in itself/Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven./What matters where, if I be still the same?" - John Milton, Paradise Lost (datalinks)

Transhumanism - "Genesis is exactly backwards. Our troubles started from obedience, not disobedience. And humanity is not yet created." - Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson, The Golden Apple (datalinks)

Eudaimonia - "Eden was a dream of Earth, without fear or pain or sorrow. Perhaps, one day, it may be a reality on Mars." - Tavera of Galle

Omega Point

Digital Transcendence - "And God asked, Why didst thou not bow when I commanded thee? Iblis answered, I am better than he; thou didst create me from fire, and him from clay." - Zenashari Qur'an (datalinks)

WARFARE TECHNOLOGIES

Close Air Support - "In Mars' thin atmosphere, aviation faces unique challenges. Aircraft must be lighter and faster, and yet heavy armor and modern fortifications means they must carry ever-more-powerful payloads. But you cannot rule the world if you cannot first rule the skies." - General Taishan of the Valleys, memoirs

Supersonic Flight

Radar

Electronic Warfare

Lasers

Drone Warfare - "Vae victis." - Brennus of Gaul (datalinks)

Adaptive Optics

Advanced Unit Tactics - "When great numbers of people are killed, one should weep over them with sorrow. When victorious in war, one should observe the rites of mourning." - Tao Te Ching (datalinks)

Combat Bionics

Cyberwarfare

Railguns - "I heard Louis XIV had 'The last argument of kings' inscribed on his cannons--but only because he hadn't seen this." - Yashur Ehn, defense minister of the Allied Republics of Acidalia (interview)

Military Algorithms

Defense Grid - "And again, when Philip of Macedon wrote to them and said, 'If I invade Laconia, I shall destroy Sparta, and it will never rise again.' To which they replied with one word: 'If.'" - Plutarch, De Garrulitate (datalinks)

Advanced Infiltration - "Peace is maintained with the equilibrium of forces, and will continue just as long as this equilibrium exists--and no longer." - Carl von Clausewitz (datalinks)

Advanced Combat Discipline - "And such was the iron discipline of that land that the Sun was not considered risen without the blowing of the revellie." - Stanisław Lem, The Cyberiad (datalinks)

Nonlinear Optics

Lasguns - "The law falls silent in the presence of arms." - Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Pro Milone" (datalinks)

Retroviral Engineering - "There are no innocent civilians. It is their government and you are fighting a people, you are not trying to fight an armed force anymore. So it doesn't bother me so much to be killing the so-called innocent bystanders." - General Curtis LeMay, USAF (datalinks)

Neural Remapping - "Repentance, the Kasei preachers say, is the first step toward virtue. We have no need of repentance here. Let the wicked, the lawbreaker, the rebel all rejoice in their sin; once they have crossed my table, they shall all be as pure of heart as the Olympus snow." - Ashar Vanna, Minister of Rehabilitation, Kmor Station

Nanophage - "This Council has investigated the allegations of the Rongxar Accord, and has found them to be baseless. No sanctions will be imposed on any member of this Faction, and no outside military intervention is to be authorized." - Mars Defense Pact Report, "On the Galle-Dzigai Incident"

Active Camoflage - "Without thinking of good or evil, show me your face before your mother and father were born." - Koan (datalinks)

Combat Psychology - "Studies of individuals in combat have repeatedly shown a marked unwillingness to kill, unless a substantial psychological distance is placed between the soldier and their target. The goal of military training is to wear down this unwillingness, and to make the soldier an efficient cog in the engine of destruction. You may say that this goal directly contradicts the goals of an orderly civil society: I don't necessarily disagree." - General Taishan of the Valleys, interview

Organic Redundancy - "What passing-bells for these who die as cattle?/Only the monstrous anger of the guns./Only the stuttering rifles' rapid rattle/Can patter out their hasty orisons." - Wilfred Owen, "Anthem for Doomed Youth" (datalinks)

Sleeper Agents - "And many more Destructions played/In this ghastly masquerade,/All disguised, even to the eyes,/Like Bishops, lawyers, peers, or spies." - Percy Shelley, The Mask of Anarchy (datalinks)

Human Cloning - "And the people in the houses/All went to the university,/Where they were put in boxes/And they came out all the same,/And there's doctors and lawyers/And business executives,/And they're all made out of ticky tacky/And they all look just the same." - Marvina Reynolds, "Little Boxes" (datalinks)

Thermal Camouflage - "Surprise is one of the most powerful force multipliers in warfare: even an act as simple as masking approaching heat signatures to reduce the apparent size of a unit can confer significant advantage in an engagement. It is rare in the modern arena to be able to execute a true ambush, but even subtle advantages can have a profound effect." - Aderon Geyn, "The Edifice of War"

Dust Rangers - "They appeared out of the storm like phantoms, and their work was swift and brutal. Before the sentinels could raise the alarm, half the leadership was dead, and they had vanished again. The entire 5th Regiment was thrown into chaos, of course, but it was as much a matter of the terror they sowed as the lives they took." - General Taishan of the Valleys, memoirs

Machine Learning - "At first we suspected the new drone models were somehow being fed adversarial data by the enemy, but repeated checks of their combat logs proved that not to be the case. Ultimately, it was a junior engineer who determined the problem: they were learning a behavior that we can only describe as 'pity.' We reprogrammed the drones with a new set of tactical safeguards, an they have performed flawlessly ever since." - Sefadu Research Station, 23rd Technical Report

Burning Scanner - "When the cerebral blood pressure plummets below a preprogrammed level, or brain activity slows beyond a certain point, the scanner springs to life, ripping from the living tissue every scrap of information it can find, and dumping it into the battlefield network, to be transmitted back to the cloning facilities. Once, I heard it said that only the dead had seen the end of war. Now, there is not even that solace." - Aderon Geyn, "The Edifice of War"

Hunter-Killer Drone - "I have been accused of inhuman acts, of violating the laws of war. Perhaps that is so. But I cannot help but think it is better to kill a thousand of the enemy than ten thousand, better to do unspeakable things in the dead of night than to require your soldiers to die for you. You may well disagree with my methods, but you cannot argue with my results." - General Taishan of the Valleys, report to superiors

Cloaking Device - "Like one that on a lonesome road/Doth walk in fear and dread/And having once turned round walks on/And turns no more his head;/Because he knows a frightful fiend/Doth close behind him tread." - Samuel Taylor Coleridge, "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" (datalinks)

Military Cybernetics - "Careful consideration needs to be given to how these enhancements are presented to the enlisted men. Even field demonstrations of their effectiveness have only modestly increased the rate of volunteers for the program. Compulsory deployment, of course, remains an option." - Isidis Front, internal report

Assassin's War - "The greatest victory is that which requires no battle." - Sun Tzu (datalinks)

Probability Mechanics - "Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and to have control over nothing." - Herodotus, The Histories (datalinks)

Force Fields - "Highly charged nanothread meshes provide a surprisingly effective screen to deflect or diminish the power of directed-energy weapons. The thinness of the mesh and their high tensile strength makes them resistant to projectile weapons as well--and they have the added benefit of unfortunate consequences for any enemy infantry that come into contact with them." - Aderon Geyn, research report

Neurological Conditioning - "With new advances in neurochemical conditioning, training time can be shortened to just a few weeks--or days. With advanced cloning technology, new forces can be raised within months rather than years, making the size of the faithful's army only a question of our ability to outfit it." - Kasym Datka, "The Crusade"

Plasma Weapons - "Justice exists only between equals. The strong do whatever they can, and the weak suffer whatever they must." - Thucydides, The History of the Peloponnesian War (datalinks)

Precognition - "The specific utility of the MMI for the average soldier is best demonstrated by the Reflex module. By offloading specific cognitive processes to Reflex, including the synthesis of sensory information not part of the brain's highest level of attentiveness, sophisticated analytics can project the shape of the combat space five, ten, even fifteen seconds into the future under optimal conditions, giving even the lowliest infantryman an unparalleled advantage over opponents. It's not *quite* magic--but you'd be forgiven for not being able to tell the difference." - Aduran Rhel, Minister of Defense for the Free State of Rongxar (memo to chiefs of staff)

Energy Shields - "The Lord is your shepherd, your defender, your guide! Let the light of this shield be a sign of His love and protection! Go forth, and bring to all of Mars the truth of his word!" - Kasym Datka, “Address to the Faithful”

Neurophage - "Real horror does not depend upon the melodrama of shadows or even the conspiracies of night." - Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves (datalinks)

Genetic Warfare - “Listen to the yell of Leopold's ghost,/Burning in Hell for his hand-maimed host./Hear how the demons chuckle and yell,/Cutting his hands off, down in Hell.” - Vachel Lindsay, "The Congo" (datalinks)

Self-Replicating Machines

Nanowarfare - "Warfare will soon be conducted at the smallest of scales, as well as the largest. The smallest crack in the enemy armor, the narrowest gap in their shield deployment, will be as exploitable as an entire regiment out of place, or a missing anti-aircraft battery. More than ever, it is the details that matter." - Aderon Geyn, "The Edifice of War"

Nightmare Engine - "They rush in red and purple from the red clouds of the morn,/From the temples where the yellow gods shut up their eyes in scorn;/They rise in green robes roaring from the green hells of the sea/Where fallen skies and evil hues and eyeless creatures be." - G.K. Chesterton, "Lepanto" (datalinks)

Suspensor Fields - "Gravity is a fundamental force of the Universe, and therefore cannot be ignored. It can, however, be asked to look the other way." - Cherson Ai, the University of Dessau Lectures on Physics

Supremacy Algorithm - "Given a sufficiently complete set of data with which to start, all possible paths to victory can be calculated, and all possible outcomes determined in advance. A rational enemy knows that resistance is futile, and the only outcome of an actual conflict can be more death, more suffering. Alas, the enemy is not always rational." - Auro Yeran, "Report on the Civil War in Xanthe"

Combat AI - "The generals say they soon will have no need of human soldiers--that machines will fight machines. Now what, I ask them, will they do if those machines decide that it is *we* who are the enemy?" - Tavera of Galle, Meditations

Molecular Disruption Device - "The field the MD device projects weakens the bonds between atoms, and, what's more, the effect is amplified by higher concentrations of mass. A sufficiently large energy expenditure could be used to reduce a whole city to a ball of rapidly-expanding cold plasma. We can only hope that no one is insane enough to attempt such a thing." - Cherson Ai, interview

Acausal Algorithms - "The Second Law of Thermodynamics, the Arrow of Time--physics has assured us for millennia that time has only one direction, and that effect always follows cause. I do not know what sort of Universe we will find ourselves in, if we discover that this is not true." - Padra Saaran, An Introduction to Advanced Physics

Temporal Mechanics - "Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you." - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods (datalinks)

Intertial Dampening

Antimatter Weapons

Atmosphere Burners - "Let justice be done, though the world perish." - Ferdinand I (datalinks)

[scull-dog]

Female Representation in Mainstream Science Fiction: Muted Group Theory in The-X Files

Megan McGrew University of North Carolina Wilmington

Hey, so this is the short essay I wrote on the difference between how men and women write female characters in The X-Files. Give it a read if you’d like, I’m pretty happy with the result!

I’m re-writing this into a deeper ~20 page paper in a few months, so maybe I’ll post that too if there’s interest. 

Enjoy!

The science fiction genre is a unique form of entertainment, as its’ changes tend to reflect real-world innovations and discoveries. These stories create a speculative perspective that explores how developing ideas might impact a population. Early contributors such as Ray Bradbury, Arthur C. Clarke, Isaac Asimov, and George Orwell have been regarded as the pioneers and fathers of science fiction. (Cates.) However, Mary Shelley’s 1818 novel Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus is frequently overlooked, despite being the first example of science fiction as we know it today. (History.com) This imbalance in representation can be explained just as the genre is; that is to say, that authors pulled from their experiences and peers. In the nineteenth and twentieth century, female scientists rarely saw recognition for their work. These women would either be dismissed despite equal contributions while their male counterparts received the praise, or would be dismissed entirely. (Bordelon) Television shows such as Doctor Who and Star Trek: The Original Series are guilty of perpetuating this practice. When men write these female characters, they are ignorant of realistic expectations that a woman would have. They are depicted as strong, intelligent women, but are somehow satisfied with little recognition in order to benefit their male leaders. 

Chris Carter’s The X-Files demonstrates this power struggle in a number of ways throughout its’ eleven seasons and two movies. The two main characters, Dana Scully and Fox Mulder, are partners in the FBI. Scully was assigned to the X-Files unit to provide a rational, scientific point of view to counter Mulder’s belief in the supernatural. She’s educated, having graduated medical school and the FBI academy; emotionally and physically strong, and is generally respected by Mulder. However, an analysis and comparison of the season six episode “Milagro” and the season seven episode “all things” reveal that Carter’s Scully is a woman as a man would want to see her.

“Milagro,” which originally aired in April 1999, was written by Carter himself. The episode focuses on a man named Phillip Padgett, a novelist who becomes obsessed with Scully and spends all of his time writing his detailed personal fantasies.

Padgett perfectly fits the “nice guy” stereotype; he thinks that he deserves Scully and that she will reciprocate his feelings for no reason other than his interest in her. His attempts at flattery are extremely invasive, eventually crossing the line into criminal activity when he reveals that he moved to be closer to her. When Scully expresses her discomfort and explicitly denies his advances, his anger is with Scully, concluding that she doesn’t understand her own feelings. As it becomes more obvious that Scully doesn’t match Padgett’s exaggerated perception of her, his hostility escalates, ultimately resulting in a murder attempt when he learns of Scully’s feelings towards Mulder.

One year later, Gillian Anderson (who plays Scully on the show) wrote and directed “all things.” A string of unlikely events results in an uncomfortable encounter between Scully and Daniel Waterston, a man she had an affair with over ten years prior. Like Phillip Padgett in “Milagro,” Waterston is dismissive of and tries to correct Scully when she expresses her feelings, makes assumptions about Scully, (based on his perception of her from their past relationship as opposed to Padgett’s glorified representation) and believes he is entitled to Scully simply because he wants her. 

Carter writes Scully as she relates to the men in the episode. Every action she makes in “Milagro” is a direct effect of something a man does. She is never seen alone, only being described by Padgett in his novel or being told off by her partner. The end of the episode doesn’t provide any relief for Scully, and the last lines still paint Padgett as the victim. Anderson takes a character with similar motives and turns his relationship with Scully into an opportunity for her to asses her own reservations. The end of “all things” leaves Scully with a renewed confidence in herself.

Outsiders observing only these two episodes might determine that Anderson’s episode was an attempt at assimilation. She was held to the same expectations as male writers and directors, conforming to Kramarae’s suggestion that assimilators aim to “change the rules so that they incorporate the life experiences” (p. 456). However, examining statements made by Chris Carter, Gillian Anderson, and others involved in the production of The X-Files, it becomes apparent that women are being separated. In an “ask me anything” Reddit thread from January, Carter responded to concerns of ignorant sexism and objectification of women by stating, “I resent the calling of it misogyny, unintentional or not” and later arguing that “...the message we need to be sending to young women would be more likely, "don't take a job on the X-Files. You'll be abducted like eight times, have chips implanted in you and who knows what else."” (Carter). Despite creating The X-Files, Dana Scully, and the obstacles presented to her, his solution to ending misogyny on his own show is to not include any women in the first place. 

Anderson proved that her gender is not an impairment and she is just as capable as her male counterparts, while Carter reinforced the decisiveness of separation. Assimilation can only improve upon The X-Files and other science fiction.

Works Cited

Carter, C. (2018). Believe it or not, I’m Chris Carter, creator and executive producer of The X-Files. Season 11 starts tomorrow at 8/7c on FOX! AMA [Online Forum]. Retrieved from https://www.reddit.com/r/television/comments/7no3en/believe_it_or_not_im_chris_carter_creator_and/.

Bordelon, Suzanne. “Reflecting on Feminist Rhetorical Studies and the Covert Rhetoric of Anita Loos.” Vol. 33, no. 3/4, 2013, pp. 712–722., www.jstor.org.liblink.uncw.edu/stable/43854574. Accessed 16 Feb. 2018.

History.com Staff. (2009). Frankenstein published. Retrieved February 16, 2018, from http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/frankenstein-published

Kramarae, Cheris. A First Look at Communication Theory (Conversations with Communication Theorists) (Chapter 6, Muted Group Theory). McGraw-Hill Higher Education. Kindle Edition.

[aion-rsa]

The Best TV Episodes of 2020

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Sometimes it feels like there’s not much of a distinction left between “television” and everything else. As major media conglomerates hold investor presentations in which they present their upcoming streaming wares as “multiple-hour movies,” how is a beleaguered television fanbase supposed to distinguish TV shows from the dreaded, amorphous concept of “content”?

By episodes, of course! Episodes are one of the last remaining hallmarks of what makes the entity known as television distinct. Though we largely watch all our entertainment on the same kinds of screens nowadays, it’s television that lays claim to distinct episodes and distinct seasons as part of their larger gestalt. The Best TV Shows of 2020 deserve our commendation (and they will receive it very soon), but so too these smaller stories and pieces within them. The Best TV Episodes of 2020 are just as important to our appreciation of the medium and its long-term health.

Gathered here are 25 of Den of Geek’s favorite episodes of television in 2020. Voted on by our contributors, and arranged in alphabetical order, these are the half-hours, hours, and more that inspired and thrilled us in this most challenging year.

Better Call Saul – “Bagman”

In a season packed with memorable moments and 5-star episodes, Better Call Saul’s “Bagman” takes the cake as season 5’s finest hour and one of the absolute best episodes of television of 2020. Directly recalling Breaking Bad’s season 2 highlight “Four Days Out,” returning director and Breaking Bad auteur Vince Gilligan pulls out his old playbook and pumps “Bagman” up with high-octane shootouts, tense face-to-face showdowns, and his penchant for dark comedy. 

As notable as it is to restage and one-up “Four Days Out,” “Bagman” also finally bridges the gap between Jimmy McGill’s new “friend of the cartel” world and that of his straight and narrow girlfriend Kim’s, a moment Better Call Saul fans have been anticipating and dreading with equal measure. Seeing Kim interact with Lalo, perhaps the best villain yet in the Breaking Bad/BCS universe, is a trip. Between Lalo’s cackling over the news of the burnt down Los Pollos Hermanos, surprise at Kim being “Mrs. Goodman,” and his lack of concern for “la cucaracha,” Lalo is a pure delight, even when he’s being stomach-churningly awful. 

A desert twist on The Sopranos’ “Pine Barrens,” “Bagman” is a thrilling, highly consequential installment that is as equally introspective as it is explosive. I tend to bristle at episodes that so clearly ape Breaking Bad’s style and rhythms, but with Vince Gilligan at the helm, “Bagman” is purely undeniable. This is the moment that the show’s separate storylines began collapsing in on each other and truly feels like the beginning of the end for Better Call Saul. 

– Nick Harley

BoJack Horseman – “The View From Halfway Down”

BoJack Horseman was never going to actually kill off its titular horseman. Though the depressive former ‘90s sitcom actor had been courting death for much of the series with addictions to booze, pills, and self-loathing, the show was always destined to end with him giving things another shot – again and again and again. That’s the point. It never ends. You’re stuck with yourself, flaws and all, and you’ve just gotta keep trying. BoJack indeed gets his umpteenth chance to start over in the series elegiac series finale, “Nice While It Lasted.” Before that, however, the show’s penultimate episode gets to vividly imagine what the end would look like for BoJack Horseman, and it makes for one of the series’ best episodes ever.

“The View From Halfway Down” picks up with BoJack drunk and at the bottom of a pool, slowly drowning. Meanwhile his consciousness takes a trip to a gaudy mansion where he enjoys dinner and a show with all the dead people he knows. Sarah Lynn, Corduroy, Crackerjack, Herb Kazzaz, and Beatrice are all there to enjoy their last meals (a single lemon for Corduroy, hospital food for Beatrice, and a pile of pills for BoJack) and then have one final sendoff before entering the infinite. This is where BoJack’s father, Butterscotch (incognito as BoJack’s hero Secretariat) turns up and delivers one of the most startling, affecting poems in TV history: “The View From Halfway Down.”

Near-death experience episodes are not uncommon on television (none other than The Sopranos may have had the definitive version with season 6’s “Join the Club”) but “The View From Halfway Down” somehow injects life (or rather dripping sludge of black death) into the stale  concept. This might not be the final episode of BoJack Horseman, but it’s likely to be the one most people remember. It’s a discomfiting exploration of ego death…and death-death. 

– Alec Bojalad

The Boys – “What I Know”

The Boys season 2 had its ups and downs, and a couple of episodes early on felt very low on action, but in the end, Amazon’s ultraviolent hit series managed to build towards a sophomore season finale that was so goddamn satisfying it felt almost illegal.

In “What I Know”, Karl Urban’s Bill Butcher finally faces off against Homelander and escapes with his life, while paying a devastating price. Hughie finds a way to drag himself up from a pit of despair and start a real relationship with Starlight. Kimiko and Frenchie get closer by working through their trauma together. Mother’s Milk is reunited with his family. And Stormfront? Well, that Nazi bitch gets what she deserved.

In fact, “What I Know” wrapped up most of The Boys’ ongoing plotlines so tidily you’d be forgiven for thinking that the action-packed episode was a series finale, not a season finale. Of course, The Boys had one final twist in store, but even if “What I Know” had been the last we’d seen of the show, it would have been just about enough to keep any anguish at bay. TV writers should study “What I Know” for future reference, cuz that’s how you do a season finale. 

– Kirsten Howard

Dark – “Life and Death”

Since Dark knew that it was ending in its third season, there were plenty of mind-blowing episodes leading to a very poignant finale, but one episode that stood out was episode 305, “Life and Death.” This was not an episode that directly explored the deeper time travel mythology of the show nor did it feature the characters that were normally center stage. Instead, it shocked us with two acts of brutality by minor characters.

One involved the discoveries of Katharina, the much maligned wife, daughter, and mother who conducted a solo journey through time in search of her husband, Ulrich. The violence between Katharina and her mother provides surprising insights despite its unexpectedness. Meanwhile, another brutal act in the apocalypse of 2020 sheds light on how young Elisabeth evolved into a hardened warrior of the future. 

– Michael Ahr

Dave – “Hype Man”

FX’s Dave was a bit of an odd duck from the get-go. Developed by and starring real life rapper Dave “Lil Dicky” Burd, Dave sought to encapsulate the strange contradictions of its title character. Dave is a comedy rapper…but he’s also kind of sincere? Dave is probably kidding about his malformed penis and all the trauma it’s caused him…but he’s also not? Dave is Lil Dickey…but he’s really just Dave? It was a tall order for a novice storyteller to work through, even with the help of Curb Your Enthusiasm’s Jeff Shaffer as showrunner.

But roughly halfway through its 10 episode-run, Dave…and Dave figure themselves out and start to string together a series of truly quality episodes. The turn starts with “Hype Man,” the show’s fifth installment and perhaps its best. “Hype Man” follows Lil Dicky’s real life (and also fictional) friend GaTa. After Dave makes the decision to install GaTa as his hype man, viewers are entreated to bits of GaTa’s past where his untreated bipolar disorder leads to public disruptions and even a heartbreaking moment with his mother while tied to a hospital bed. In the present, GaTa can’t quite figure his new dosage of meds out and it leads to a decidedly less-than-hyped hype man.

That’s when GaTa reveals his diagnosis to his new friends. As the tears stream down GaTa’s face and as his new crew gracefully accepts him, just as he is, it’s clear that it’s a cathartic moment for all involved that goes well beyond just the confines of television. 

– Alec Bojalad

Devs – “Episode 8”

Perhaps no show in 2020 was as beguiling or intriguing as sci-fi maestro Alex Garland’s first TV effort Devs. From its first episode which featured a mysterious murder and the introduction of an awe-inspiring machine, Devs promised a truculent sci-fi television experience. Of course, as is often the case with these things, the impact of the show hinged on how it chose to wrap up the story of Amaya’s secretive Devs program. 

That ending, in “Episode 8”, succeeds because it knows the precisely correct ratio of answers to non-answers it needs to provide. This finale deftly articulates the show’s vision of determinism and leaves open the question of just how much of our fate resides in our own hands. It’s also downright Biblical at times with striking imagery, allusions to Christ, and even something resembling an afterlife. 

Above all else, it provides one of the most charming bits of title trickery on television this year. “I’ll tell you a secret, Lily,” Forest (Nick Offerman) says to his fated counterpart. “I’ve been wanting to tell someone for awhile. The name of the project is not Devs. The ‘v’ is Roman…so actually a ‘u’.” Deus. Lily can only laugh – another tech CEO who thinks he’s God. It’s just that…this one happens to be right.  

– Alec Bojalad

Doctor Who – “The Haunting of Villa Diodati”

“The Haunting of Villa Diodati” isn’t the only example of Doctor Who taking on the haunted house genre, but it may be its best. In this season 12 episode, the science fiction series pays homage to the arguable birthplace of the sci-fi genre: the Swiss villa where Mary Shelley was inspired to write Frankenstein. There, the Thirteenth Doctor (Jodie Whittaker) and her fam meet Mary, baby William, Lord Byron, John Polidori, Claire Clairmont, valet Fletcher, and a missing Percy Shelley. With such a large guest cast, you’d think it would be hard to get three Companions in on the action, but first-time Doctor Who scriptwriter Maxine Alderton manages to do so, making good use of Ryan (Tosin Cole), Graham (Bradley Walsh), and Yaz (Mandip Gillip) especially, as the group gets split up while investigating the very real ghosts that seem to be haunting the villa.

With its literary in-jokes and honest-to-goodness scares, “The Haunting of Villa Diodati” would have easily been one of the highlights of season 12 if it was simply a standalone mystery. That it all ends with a third-act Cybermen twist that ties the episode to Doctor Who legacy and kickstarts the high-stakes, season-ending plot raises this installment from “good” to “great.”

– Kayti Burt

The Good Place – “Whenever You’re Ready”

Between BoJack Horseman’s “The View From Halfway Down” and The Good Place’s series finale, “Whenever You’re Ready,” it was a banner year for half-hour comedies addressing cosmic oblivion in 2020. While BoJack’s exploration of death is dark and spooky, The Good Place’s interpretation is one almost of celebration – a reward for a life, and many afterlives well-lived.

However one feels about The Good Place series finale, it’s hard to argue that the concept at its core isn’t ingenious. Our human protagonists Eleanor, Chidi, Jason, and Tahani, alongside their otherworldly friends Michael and Janet, spend almost a literal eternity grappling with the inequity of the afterlife’s rewards system. Then, in the final stretch of the show’s last season, the gang fixes the system once and for all and arrives at the actual Good Place. There’s only one problem: the occupants of The Good Place are shambling emotionless zombies whose dopamine receptors have been reduced to mush from eons of wish fulfillment and immediate satisfaction. That’s when Eleanor and Michael realize the afterlife’s missing piece: death. 

This is not only a fascinating philosophical concept but it sets up a finale filled with goodbyes that all these characters so richly deserve. One by one our heroes decide when they’re ready, and then step through a door to enter the unknown. And of course it all culminates in what might be the best sitcom sign-offs ever from Ted Danson’s Michael: “I’ll say this to you, my friend, with all the love in my heart and all the wisdom of the universe: Take it sleazy.”

 – Alec Bojalad

The Haunting of Bly Manor – “The Altar of the Dead”

Perhaps the only thing harder than pulling off an honest-to-goodness serialized horror TV show is doing so twice. But that’s exactly what Mike Flanagan was able to pull off this year with his Netflix followup to The Haunting of Hill House. Like Hill House before it, Bly Manor is based on the works of a classic ghost story writer, in this case Henry James. Unlike Hill House, however, Bly Manor takes a few episodes to really find its rhythm. 

Once it does, though, there’s virtually no stopping it. And it’s all thanks to midseason installment “The Altar of the Dead.” It’s clear from moment one that something is off with Bly Manor’s housekeeper Hannah Grose (T’Nia Miller). This is the episode that finally begins to fill in some of the blanks in her story, and subsequently the story of the rest of the house. Much like Billy Pilgrim before her, Miss Grose has become unstuck in time. As Hannah jumps back and forth between her history at Bly Manor, the sinister nature of the property becomes clear. Through Grose’s eyes, we’re treated to the courtship of Rebecca Jessel and Peter Quint. Then we’re taken through all the way to Peter Quint’s death, subsequent possession of Miles, and Hannah’s eventual murder. 

It’s not just that “The Altar of the Dead” clarifies the plot of The Haunting of Bly Manor so much that it damn near reveals all of it. And the show is all the better for it. Every episode after “Altar” is able to move forward with a confidence and assuredness that can come only after a masterfully executed setup. It’s all perfectly splendid. 

– Alec Bojalad

How To with John Wilson – “How To Cook the Perfect Risotto”

How To With John Wilson’s charms come from the ways that the titular socially awkward documentarian highlights the surreal, funny, perplexing little moments that so frequently occur in public spaces. However, that surreality is turned up to 11 in “How to Cook the Perfect Risotto” as we watch the coronavirus pandemic slowly transform New York City from a bustling, odd metropolis full of characters that are more than willing to invite a complete stranger into their home for a cooking lesson, into a quiet ghost town filmed from the safety of Wilson’s apartment.

Wilson attempts to make his elderly landlord the perfect risotto as a way of thanking her for her kindness, which includes doing Wilson’s laundry, watching Jeopardy with him and delivering him delicious meals. Simultaneously as he’s trying to quit smoking, Wilson is comically frustrated by the endless variables that cause his risotto to not quite live up to his lofty expectations. As he tries to improve his cooking and keep his sanity during nicotine withdrawal, COVID-19 hits the city and causes Wilson’s perspective to completely change. It’s relatable, poignant stuff that sneaks up on you and offers a look at what life has been like in this pandemic in a way that no other piece of art has yet to capture. 

– Nick Harley

I May Destroy You – “Ego Death”

‘Ego Death’ was a transcendent half hour. The conclusion to Michaela Coel’s autobiographically inspired drama about surviving sexual assault, it was as probing and inventive as the rest of I May Destroy You. 

In the episode, Coel offered viewers three alternative endings. Her character Bella played out fantasy confrontations with the man who, a year earlier, had drugged and attacked her. One is a kickass heist riffing on movie sisterhood and rape revenge. Another is an anti-climax that offers scant closure. Another is gentle, romantic and utterly disorienting. Allowing for multiple interpretations and perspectives, they all happened, and none of them happened. 

The climax comes with Bella’s realization that her trauma wouldn’t leave her unless she made it leave. The finale ends with a growing garden, a book reading and an inhalation of breath. With dogged commitment to honesty and no easy answers, it achieved in 30 minutes what some dramas struggle to say in a whole season.

 – Louisa Mellor

Killing Eve – “Are You From Pinner?”

Killing Eve has been celebrated for its depiction of the cat and mouse game between its star characters Eve, the former MI6 agent played by Sandra Oh, and Villanelle, the assassin played by Jodie Comer who shares with Eve a mutual obsession. Season 3 experimented with different points of view and delved deeper into the mystery of The Twelve, but it was the backstory of Villanelle (formerly Oksana) in episode 5, “Are You from Pinner?” which really showcased Comer’s depth and the character’s complexity.

The beauty of the episode was the way it lulled the audience into a sense of comfort. Here was Oksana’s long lost family, and they seemed to be happy, fun-loving people who might even welcome their damaged prodigal daughter home. However, even after a joyous carnival, it becomes clear that her mother’s abandonment hides a deeper secret, and the resulting violence and moments of mercy heighten sympathy for the assassin like no episode before or since.

 – Michael Ahr

Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts – “Real Cats Wear Plaid”

That title alone would earn this episode a spot on the list but its story is even better! “Real Cats Wear Plaid” is the perfect combination of everything that makes Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts so unique and wonderful. There are giant cats who not only wear plaid, they carry axes, have giant yarn balls in their trees, sing ramblin’ folk songs, and love eating pancakes. Kipo has to find their leader named Yumyan Hammerpaw, whose namesake song is easily one of the best in the series, to get the cats’ help.

Watching Kipo not only break her friends free from the cats but slowly win over their trust gives us a good look at how she’ll overcome a lot of obstacles throughout the series. She doesn’t go with the simple solution; she uses her brain and her desire to make friends to win the day. Throw in some absolutely gorgeous visuals and you’ve got a warm, comforting, and totally unique piece of television that only this show could pull off. It’ll make a die-hard Kipo fan out of you, guaranteed. 

– Shamus Kelley

Legends of Tomorrow – “The One Where We’re Trapped on TV”

“The One Where We’re Trapped on TV” was the high point of a season full of them for Legends of Tomorrow, showcasing everything this series is capable of. We got three note-perfect parodies of shows – Star Trek, Friends, and the funniest one, Downton Abbey –  with wildly divergent tones; A+ workplace comedy and lightning fast plot propulsion; and a cast (especially Caity Lotz and Dominic Purcell summarizing and savaging The Wrath of Khan in 35 seconds, and Matt Ryan beautifully jamming parodies of four different Downton characters into one bit) visibly having the time of their lives. All of that was mixed in with serious, genuine, character growth and emotion. 

It’s amazing that Legends went from a forgettable side jaunt in the Arrowverse to a stoner workplace time travel sitcom that culminated one season with a Voltron Tickle Me Elmo. Even more amazing is that Season 5 actually topped it, and “The One Where We’re Trapped on TV” was this season’s peak.

– Jim Dandy

Lovecraft Country – “Sundown”

Lovecraft Country was television’s most ambitious show in 2020. Playing with horror and science fiction tropes while mixing in history lessons and comparing the racism in 1950s American with the civil unrest of today, Lovecraft Country took bigger swings than Jackie Robinson clobbering an alien with his Louisville Slugger. Not every episode or moment of Lovecraft Country was successful, but premiere episode “Sundown” is one of the most self-assured, confident debuts of a series in recent memory, a mission statement that establishes characters and blazes through plot points that most shows would have spent a season laboring over.

Our hero Atticus “Tic” Freeman (Jonathan Majors) returns to Chicago to reunite with his Uncle George (Courtney B. Vance) and old crush Leti Lewis (Jurnee Smollett) to go off in search of his missing father Montrose (Michael Kenneth Williams) in Ardham, Massachusetts, a location similar to Arkham, which is prevalent in the stories of H.P. Lovecraft, the favorite author of both Tic and Montrose. In Ardham, the gang find horrors both fictional and painfully real. The hour-long episode feels like a miniature movie. Its best moment is a montage of the trio traveling through segregated America set to a James Baldwin monologue. It’s little touches like that that makes Lovecraft Country so unique, gripping, and grounded even with all of the supernatural elements on display.

 – Nick Harley

The Mandalorian – “The Jedi”

Chapter 13 of The Mandalorian was an unexpected midseason payoff for everyone wondering if the story of Din Djarin and “Baby Yoda” would pootle along for a good while longer without answering many questions or tying their adventure into any past Star Wars mythology. This installment threw one game-changing piece of info after another at viewers.

We learned that the adorable green sprog had an actual name (Grogu), that he had been suffering from PTSD so severe that he mentally blocked out a lot of his past before being rescued by Mando, and that he would need to seek out a Jedi to train him to walk the path he might be destined for. Ah, and we also got to meet the live-action version of Ahsoka Tano, played by Rosario Dawson in a very deliberate and self-assured way. After we spent a few minutes with Ahsoka, it was clear that Lucasfilm still had bigger plans for her character beyond The Mandalorian.

Putting aside the many other wonderful Western and samurai influences visually blessing “The Jedi”, the episode formed an important step toward a very different version of Grogu who may develop in future seasons, and as Tano infers, we might not like who he becomes if the darkness creeps in, which only strengthens the bond between Din and The Child, and our investment in the story itself. 

– Kirsten Howard

Mythic Quest – “A Dark Quiet Death”

Mythic Quest: Raven’s Banquet was one of 2020’s most pleasant surprises. Apple TV+’s comedy about a videogame studio running a successful MMORPG, worked for all the reasons one might assume. The core showrunning team of Rob McElhenney, Megan Ganz, and David Hornsby (all of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia) had a solid handle on the show’s concept and characters, and they also clearly did their research on the videogame industry. 

Still, in addition to all of that “expected” stuff, Mythic Quest excels in pulling off concepts that viewers might not anticipate from a nine-episode, half-hour sitcom. The ultimate example is “A Dark Quiet Death,” a fascinating installment of television that falls halfway through the show’s first season. “A Dark Quiet Death” completely abandons the show’s main plotline and takes viewers back to the ‘90s where two game developers, played by Jake Johnson and Christin Milioti, meet, fall in love, and decide to build something together.

Soon, however, the two designers are confronted with questions about commerce vs. art and must figure out how many compromises they’re willing to make. In the process they lose themselves, each other, and the art itself. Mythic Quest eventually brings things back tenuously to the present to reveal that Ian Grimm and the Mythic Quest team now occupy the warehouse studio space they once did. Refreshingly there isn’t much of a lesson to be learned from this adjournment other than: all of this is very hard and you’ll want someone by your side to help…but even that’s pretty hard too. 

– Alec Bojalad

Outlander – “The Ballad of Roger Mac”

Outlander season 5’s long-awaited battle between the Regulators and Governor Tryon’s militia delivered the sudden and gut-punching loss of one of its fan-favorite characters, Duncan Lacroix’s Murtagh, and also did the impossible in the same episode – made viewers genuinely invested in whether the guitar-strumming Roger Mackenzie lived or died. Even if his past behavior hadn’t covered him in glory, no one wanted to see Bree’s beau go out at the noose-end of a redcoat’s rope.

But the real heart of the episode was the final scenes between Sam Heughan’s character, Jamie Fraser, who didn’t have much time to celebrate his 50th birthday, and his father figure Murtugh, a stubborn-but-loyal man that had saved him countless times since birth, as he unexpectedly passed the patriarchal torch on once and for all. As Jamie fell apart during “The Ballad of Roger Mac” so did we, and a standout episode in Outlander’s middling fifth season was forever etched on our memory. 

– Kirsten Howard

Pen15 – “Opening Night”

At its core, Maya Erskine and Anna Konkle’s brilliant coming-of-age comedy Pen15 is all about capturing feelings. This show, featuring Erskine and Konkle deftly embodying their middle school selves (all the while surrounded by actual middle schoolers), understands the feeling of your crush smiling at you, or the best sleepover ever, or the summer of infinite possibilities. Its season two finale “Opening Night,” is perhaps the best example of what the show does so well yet.

Much of “Opening Night” takes place after opening night of the school play, where Maya was the star and Anna was the tech queen. The girls and their families retire to a perfectly acceptable local Italian restaurant where Maya and Anna live out the copacabana scene from Goodfellas and just generally feel on top of the world. 

Of course, in adolescence, nothing gold can stay. While “Opening Night” captures the thrill of a “best night ever” it also subtly, devastatingly presents Anna having to deal with the reality of her parents’ incoming divorce and Maya being rejected by a boy once again. Pen15 draws much of its comedy from the novelty of its core duo experiencing every new life event as the Biggest Deal Ever (™).  “Opening Night” proves that that’s where the show draws its pathos from as well. 

– Alec Bojalad

The Queen’s Gambit – “End Game”

For being one of the best shows of 2020, not much happens in Netflix’s The Queen’s Gambit that could be considered surprising. True to Scott Frank’s limited series sports movie (or bildungsroman) format, chess prodigy Beth Harmon displays preternatural talent, suffers some setbacks, and then comes out on top again. What makes the show excellent, however, is in its execution of that formula. 

Nowhere is the show’s execution more acute and satisfying than it is in the finale, “End Game.” This final hour finds Beth finally heading to Moscow to take on her only real rival one final time. The outcome is never really in doubt, but the journey is a supremely satisfying one. There are no shortage of fist-pumping moments, from Beth winning the admiration of her chess idol, to all her friends jumping on the phone to pre-game her final match. It’s the final coda that lingers most pleasantly though. Now on top of the chess world, Beth heads outside to find several Russian citizens playing some exhibition matches. The challenge is over, the day is won, and now all that’s left to do is to keep playing. Not for anyone else but herself. 

– Alec Bojalad

Schitt’s Creek – “The Presidential Suite”

The sixth and final season of Schitt’s Creek had a lot of loose ends to tie. The saga of the Rose family, who lost everything but the town Johnny Rose bought for a joke took us on a redemptive journey, not just for them but for town as a whole. It would be easy for the sake of this list, then, to select “Happy Ending” the glorious, hyperbolic finale which includes David and Patrick’s wedding and Moira’s greatest ensemble yet as the best ep. Instead though, it’s this lower key episode from season we choose to celebrate for it’s pitch perfect mix of hope, humor and humanity. This is Alexis and Ted’s episode. While David and Patrick’s romance and nuptials dominate the later series of the show, in “The Presidential Suite” we see Alexis and Ted’s relationship come to a close.

Ted has been offered his dream job in the Galapagos Islands. Alexis’s career as a publicist is starting to take off. He’s travelled back to spend a long weekend with her but his plans got derailed due to some dodgy airline milk. So now the two have just one evening together, and it turns out it’ll be spent saying goodbye. In possibly the most devastating scene in the whole show the two have a private dinner at the Cafe Tropical, where they reflect on how the relationship has helped them both grow. It’s understated, it’s grown up and it’s deeply moving, with gravitas given to characters who are generally speaking not taken very seriously.  It’s perfect. Elsewhere in the ep, the second Rosebud motel is almost ready to open and the Roses and the Schitts are competing to christen the best room for the night, while Patrick’s spray tan results in photographic hilarity. There are plenty of great gags – Patrick’s face being one of them – but “Presidential Suite” belongs to Alexis and Ted.

 – Rosie Fletcher

Solar Opposites – “Terry and Korvo Steal a Bear”

“Terry and Korvo Steal a Bear” deserves a spot on our best-of list due to title trickery alone. The synopsis of Solar Opposites season 1’s penultimate episode reads “Terry, Korvo, Yumyulack, and Jesse team up to steal a bear from the zoo” but of course: precisely none of this happens. In reality Justin Roiland and Mike McMahan’s excellent animated comedy for Hulu plays a truly wonderful sleight of hand. 

The entirety of this episode takes place inside young alien Jesse’s bedroom terrarium where she has imprisoned dozens of shrunken human beings. The show picks up with the goings on “inside the wall” several times throughout the season, but this episode devotes the entirety of its running time to the stories of Tim, Cherie, and all the other people inside this shockingly complex political ecosystem. 

Perhaps the best thing any installment of television can do is to make us care deeply about something that we weren’t even aware of to begin with. And that’s the real strength of “Terry and Korvo Steal a Bear.” Though all of this is happening on a truly small scale, it’s hard not to get swept up in the drama of Tim’s fight against The Duke or perhaps even shed some tears at the loss of a very sweet mouse named Molly.

 – Alec Bojalad

Ted Lasso – “The Hope That Kills You”

Any sports fan can tell you that it is indeed “the hope that kills you”. Hope is one of the most dangerous things to have in any endeavor you truly care about. After all, how can expectations lead to anything other than disappointment? Defying expectations, however, is Apple TV+’s sports comedy, Ted Lasso, which builds up a lot of hope through its first nine episodes, and then delivers on that hope in a truly satisfying way for the finale. 

The Jason Sudeikis and Bill Lawrence-produced Ted Lasso has the sports movie beats down pat. American football coach Ted Lasso gets an English football coaching job through some truly ridiculous circumstances. His team, AFC Richmond, naturally struggles on the pitch but begin to flourish off of it thanks to the relentless optimism of their new gaffer. This remarkable finale is where the rubber finally meets the road. Can AFC Richmond win one game to avoid relegation and fulfill their coach’s hope in them? The answer, somewhat surprisingly, is no. 

But the real accomplishment of “The Hope That Kills You” is that it finds hope and victory in defeat all the same. 

– Alec Bojalad

The Umbrella Academy – “743”

The penultimate episode of The Umbrella Academy’s second season provided a hefty amount of buildup for the finale, but it was also distinguished by several major reveals and sacrifices, some of which have yet to be fully realized. In the space of a single episode, the apocalypse is averted (again), Hargreeves reveals his true nature (sort of), and the time travel cops of the Commission prepare for a war that perfectly sets up the finale.

The most poignant sacrifice is made by Ben as he explores the depths of Vanya’s mind to keep her from using her powers to start a third world war, but he was technically already dead and has taken a new form of sorts by the end of the season. But other sacrifices put this episode over the top, including the inevitable death of Kennedy and the destruction of the briefcase that could have taken Five and his family home.

– Michael Ahr

What We Do in the Shadows – “On the Run”

Imagine getting none other than Mark Hamill to guest star as a white-haired vampire named Jim upset about a rental agreement on your show. And then imagine not pursuing that rich vein of comedy in favor of having one of your other vampire characters don a “human” disguise and then hit the road merely to avoid paying off some bed and breakfast debts. Well you don’t have to imagine such a scenario if you’re the folks behind FX’s hilarious and brilliant What We Do in the Shadows. This TV adaptation of Taika Waititi and Jemaine Clement’s classic mockumentary film remained as bold and experimental as ever in its second season. Nowhere was it bolder, however, than in the instantly iconic “On the Run.”

“On the Run” exploits one of the tried and true rules of comedic storytelling on television: give Matt Berry the ball and let him cook like LeBron James. Berry has the time of his life in this half hour as Laszlo flees his Staten Island home and heads into hiding in Pennsylvania as Jackie Daytona, normal human bartender. It’s just remarkable to watch Laszl…we mean Jackie Daytona have the time of his life as a pillar of the community and major booster of the local girls high school volleyball team. Of course, the piece de resistance, is everyone’s shocking inability to recognize him as an undead bloodsucker. Even Hamill’s Jim the Vampire doesn’t recognize his foe until Laszlo pulls the signature Jackie Daytona toothpick out of his mouth.

“On the Run” may be pound for pound the funniest episode of television to air this year and all we normal humans are better for having experienced it. 

– Alec Bojalad

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[lovingnikiforov]

2017 Fic Writing Round-Up

Total year-long word count: 397,326 words.....jfc

Word count by fandom:  ~ Bungou Stray Dogs: 304,788 ~ Yuri on Ice: 92,002 ~ Noragami: 536

Fics completed: 34

♥ Drabbles: ~ 15 tumblr prompt fills - bsd, yoi, noragami ~ chasing happy - bsd, odazai

♥ Oneshots: ~ Unwrapped - bsd, soukoku, pwp, IoL companion ~ just a start - bsd, soukoku, eating disorder, pre-canon ~ Seventy-Three Hours - bsd, soukoku, IoL companion ~ Reaching for Normal - bsd, soukoku, first date, IoL companion ~ Masterpiece - bsd, soukoku, tattooed Chuuya, IoL companion ~ all night long - bsd, soukoku, pole dancing Chuuya ~ You're Mine - bsd, soukoku, choker kink, mafia boss dazai, IoL companion ~ PDA - bsd, soukoku, choker kink, mafia boss dazai ~ on cliff's edge - bsd, soukoku, pre-canon, alt first reunion ~ Touch - bsd, reader-insert, pwp, gift fic ~ Closure - bsd, pre-canon, alt first reunion, gift fic ~ Deals Kept - bsd, soukoku, college au, gift fic ~ slow dancing in a burning room - bsd, soukoku, alcoholism, self-harm, gift fic ~ Drop the Act - bsd, soukoku, pwp, mafia spy Dazai ~ reach out and touch - yoi, viktuuri, touch-starved viktor ~ Puppy Love - bsd, soukoku, kid fic, jealous Dazai

♥ Chapter Fics: ~ Illustrations of Lying - bsd, soukoku, mafia boss dazai au ~ don’t you ever tame your demons - bsd, soukoku, dystopian/mafia boss dazai au

Works-in-progress: 3 ~ Equivalent Exchange - viktuuri magic/fantasy au ~ where your loyalties lie - soukoku arranged marriage/yakuza au ~ Rent a (boy)Friend - phichuuri fake dating au

This year I wrote and posted: 37 fics in total: 2 completed multi-chapter fics, 3 wip multi-chapter fics, 16 oneshots, 16 drabbles.

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted? So, so much more. This is the most fic I've ever written in a year by far.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January? Yuri on Ice. There's already so much content for the fandom and I spent the first 6 months of the year without a single piece of inspiration for a yoi story and now I'm writing two.

What's your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest? Rent a (boy)Friend. It's definitely not my normal genre and that's why it's entertaining to write. Also the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing amuses me everytime I go to work on it.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them? I feel like my writing theme this year was taking risks. dyetyd was a big one for me: I've never tried my hand at dystopia and I've also never written anything that was as dark as that story. There's also some stylistic choices I was playing with in terms of narration. I also tried writing in present tense for the first time with wyll (which has stuck, I like it). Not to mention the scale of the worldbuilding for EE considering that it's my first yoi fic almost made me not write it.

Your best story of this year: Hmm, this is a hard one. I think I might have to go with Equivalent Exchange even though it's not finished yet. I'm really pleased with the worldbuilding and the character development in the story.

Your most popular story of this year:  Equivalent Exchange, though to be fair the yoi fandom is a lot bigger than the bsd fandom.

Story of yours most under-appreciated by the universe, in your opinion: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Looking through my fics I couldn't pick one that feels under-appreciated. The amount of support I received this year for all of my fics has been humbling.

Most fun story to write: Puppy Love. I had a lot of fun swapping headcanons with Rie (AnonLearnsToWrite) on twitter and the story practically wrote itself.

Story with the single sexiest moment: You’re Mine. Honestly I think this overall was the sexiest story I wrote this year, but I'm partial to the bit when Dazai learns just how prepared Chuuya is.

Most "Holy crap, that's wrong, even for you" story: slow dancing in a burning room, this was a prompt fill though so I feel like there's a gray area here.

Story that shifted your own perceptions of the characters: Illustrations of lying. Since this was my first bsd fic it's the one where I kind of fumbled my way through understanding the characters. Some of the choices I found on accident here ended up really impacting how I characterized Dazai and Chuuya for the rest of the year.

Hardest story to write: don’t you ever tame your demons (i know let’s all act shocked). My goal from the start of this fic was to challenge myself and I think I did too good of a job with that lol.

Biggest disappointment: Closure. There were things I wanted to do conceptually with the fic that didn't end up reading the way I wanted them to. I just always feel like I could've done better with this one.

Biggest surprise: Sora's Piece (wyll companion). I literally wrote this on a whim in response to an ask and was not prepared for my wyll readers to latch onto the character.

Most unintentionally telling story: reach out and touch. While this fic is about a viktor headcanon I've agreed with for a long time this definitely ended up being more of a vent fic than I anticipated.

Favorite opening line(s): ~ Of all the things that Dazai would have expected to find in Chuuya’s apartment, a stripper pole was certainly not one of them. - all night long ~ It is an universal truth that power rests in the hands of only a minority of those who seek it. - don't you ever tame your demons

Favorite closing line(s): ~ (He’s fairly certain this next mission probably would manage to kill the older man, and he’d prefer not to fuck this up). - Puppy Love

Favorite 5 line(s) from anywhere: ~ Her gaze runs over Chuuya’s face and she cocks an eyebrow, “you voluntarily married Dazai?” - wyll, ch. 9 ~ Kouyou turned her back to the city and met Dazai’s gaze. “When you break him, Dazai, do not be surprised if I tell you he is beyond repair.” - dyetyd, ch. 2 ~ Gin’s lips curled into a wry smile, “I don’t think whatever causes some to have abilities and others not to have them gives a damn about how the world handles it. - dyetyd, ch. 16 ~ "Hey, Kunikida-kun, did you know that I finally achieved my dream?" Dazai hums, as if the question was never asked. "I'm blissfully dead."..."If you're dead, why are you still bothering me?" - wyll, ch. 10

Top 5 scenes from anywhere you would choose to have illustrated: ~ Yuuri telling Viktor the story of the First Mage- Equivalent Exchange ~ The reveal of Mary Shelley’s ability- Illustrations of Lying ~ Chuuya touching Dazai’s tattoo- where your loyalties lie ~ That bit in You're Mine with the mirror....u kno what I'm talking about ~ Chuuya and Dazai's first kiss- don't you ever tame your demons

Fic-writing goals for next year: This has been the first time I've had a 100% completion rate for my chapter fics and I want to continue that into 2018. No more abandoned fics from Dessa 2k18.

[nuttersincorporated]

A King of Worms sits on a throne of sorrow A King of Worms eats up a man’s tomorrow With a platinum mask your soul he’ll borrow And a clockwork solider is born and hollow

The King of Worms wears a crown of terror In the Court of Worms there is none fairer We are all equal beneath the surface layer Our souls are screaming and begging in prayer

The King of Worms saw fear, it is said The King of worms thought fear should be fed The King of Worms takes your soul to shred In the court of Worms, we are all dead

Thoughts under the ‘keep reading.’

‘The Machinations of Worms’ storyline brings us back to Lovecraftian horror with the Entity younger cousin. The King of Worms is terrifying, which of course was the point. He does a great job of embodying fear. If Lewis ever stops reviewing comics, he can always start writing horror stories.

I’m using the King of Worms poem as the opening quote. I know that each verse was revealed to us separately and it was never performed as a complete poem during the storyline itself. However, I could say the same thing about the Enitiy poem and the fandom still treats it as one poem. I’m not sure why the King of Worms poem didn’t get the same treatment. I think I might be the first fan to but the verses together. No regrets!

‘The Machinations of Worms’ storyline expands upon the mythology and lore of the reviewerverse. I love the idea of a pantheon of Outer Gods all based on technology in some way. It offers so many story possibilities. The two members of the Technumina we’ve met so far, MissingNo and the King of Worms, have been great, scary creatures. I look forward to learning more about the Technumina in future storylines.

One thing that this compilation doesn’t show, which helped to build the tension, was how the shelves behind the futon slowly filled with more and more cybermats. At the time, it felt like each episode they had multiplied.

I really, really love Linksano. I maintain that he’s slowly becoming a technomancer (someone who uses both technology and science) through his study of magic and the way he integrates magic into his creations and inventions.

Linksano was just so pleased with himself and excited to show Linkara when he brought Eliza, the toy foam lizard, to life. Truly, he deserves the title of Mad Scientist. However, he should probably get around to reading Frankenstein at some point. Mary Shelley wrote a very good book about why people shouldn’t do this sort of thing. Luckily for the comicrew, unlike Victor Frankenstein, Linksano isn’t a brooding mad scientist who’s horrified of his own creation and Eliza isn’t a misunderstood lonely monster who hates her own creator.

Speaking of Eliza; she’s great! She has a wonderful sardonic reaction to being brought to life. That’s probably why I headcanon her and Pollo get on together really well. She spent a year working things out and then came to the rescue everyone and drink coffee. Go Eliza!

It’s nice to see the Ninja Style Dancer playing a part in the storyline again. I understand why he isn’t used as much but it’s good to know he’s still an active member of the comicrew. Can we please have some sort of explanation of how his smoke bomb, disappearing act works? Is it magic? Is it science? Is it a ninja secret? I want to know! He somehow escaped a possessed cybermat, while he was onboard Comicron One using a smoke bomb. How!?

The battle against MirrorKara is fun to watch and I like the different but similar origin of his magic gun.

‘The Machinations of Worms’ storyline continues to hint that, ever since he came back from the future, 90’s Kid (now 90’s Dude) has been up to something the others don’t know about. It’s confirmed at the end that he’s working with Lord Vyce. I was always sure he had a good reason for his actions and this never shook my faith in him.

I was so happy when Vyce treated 90’s Kid with respect and actually listened to what he had to say. 90’s Kid often gets treated as the idiot but the truth is he’s a lot cleverer than people give hind credit for. He’s also been through a lot and should never be underestimated.

Seeing the characters turn up again after they’d been knocked out by the cybermats was creepy. Especially because they continued to act mostly normal. At the time, we didn’t know if they been replaced or were being controlled.

Allen doesn’t get nearly enough credit. He’d a genus and could crack a code in seconds that Linkara and Pollo hadn’t been able to crack in years. I love the fact that the government has protocols to deal with someone who works for them being replaced by an android.

Pollo and his multitude of bodies which can share his consciousness are just great. He is legion.

“It’s really weird seeing you all talk like that.”

“We are a group of robots sharing a single consciousness, fighting alongside robotic silver fish and a foam lizard brought to life using science. Normal is relative.”

I remember how, when ‘The Machinations of Worms’ storyline was first coming out a lot of people, myself included, were a little disappointed that we could see the reviewing room reflected in the masks. We thought it was a failed effect but then it turned out that even that was a part of the storyline and the masks were reflecting what was in Linkara soul. Lewis thinks of everything and he still manages to surprise me. Linkara’s soul is really, really, really darn creepy when we get a look at it.

I like Linkara in this storyline. He’s not turning evil in it and comes up with a lot of good plans and continuance plans to try and deal with what’s happening. It’s a shame they don’t work but that isn’t really his fault. I also like the fact that he still plans to exile Lord Vyce if possible rather than killing him.

Poor Linksano at the end. It takes a lot to shake him. Most of the time, he’s the one causing the craziest things that happen. However, he really didn’t know how to react to the knowledge that nothing they’d done had hurt the King of Worms. I’d be scared too, if I realized that a God that embodied fear had somehow been frightened to death.

“You do realise that people are going to write fanfics about this.”

“The hell do I care? I anit gonna be around to read ’em.”

After ‘The Machinations of Worms’ storyline we get the lovely and short storyline ‘Here and Back Again.’

I’m glad Jaeris finally reunited with his wife, got a way to go home and live there. He deserves to be happy.

The little bit of Joanna we got to see was good. Hopefully, we’ll get to see more of her at some point.

Want to know my thoughts on the other storylines? Here are links to them which I’ll update each time I give my thoughts on a new completion.

His Soul is Blue

The Other Insano

All That He Sees, He Conquers

A Piece of the World is Missing

His Blue Soul

Gun and Sorcery

Ghost of the Machine

The Machinations of Worms (you’re already here)

The Sleepwalker (I’ve not done thing one yet)

[the-master-cylinder]

SUMMARY Vernon Coyle (Pasdar), a detective with the Los Angeles Police Department, is trying to solve a series of bizarre murders. His girlfriend, Grace (Polo), turns into a werewolf and is kidnapped by Crispian Grimes (Wise), a vampire and owner of the nightclub House of Frankenstein. Meanwhile, a man, claiming to be Frankenstein’s monster, comes to Los Angeles to find the vampire that killed his creator 200 years ago.

NBC120 7/18/97 PRESS TOUR — HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN — PICTURED: The Creature — NBC Photo: Paul Drinkwater.

He had lived in the Arctic Circle for centuries and had been thawed out recently. A medical examiner comes in and is shocked that he has no heartbeat and that his blood consists of that of several different people. The creature escapes and confronts Grimes in an alley, but gets arrested. Coyle realizes that the creature is really a creation of Frankenstein, and helps him track down Grimes and put a stop to his reign of terror. Grace turns into a werewolf and goes on a rampage, where she gets captured by Grimes and will be a part of his exhibit forever.

Coyle and the creature destroy Grimes’ army of the undead, but he escapes. The creature also escapes, having finally avenged his creator’s death. He sneaks aboard a research vessel on its way to Antarctica. Grace revives after a successful blood transfusion makes her human again. Coyle and Grace later visit his partner’s grave as he was the first victim of Grimes, who is watching them from afar.

BEHIND THE SCENES The miniseries’ title and the very basics of its story were taken from the 1944 Universal picture directed by Erle C. Kenton. “Karloff wasn’t playing Frankenstein’s Monster any longer,” explains executive producer David Israel, “but played Dr. Niemann. It was the first of the Universal horror films to feature Frankenstein’s Monster, Dracula and the Wolf Man in the same picture. So we used that as a jumping-off point.

“We didn’t feel we could directly remake House of Frankenstein, because with today’s sensibilities it just wouldn’t be scary.” adds screenwriter J.B. White. “We went back and forth as to whether we were going to do this as a period or contemporary piece.”

Israel admits that this is his first experience with the horror genre. “I’ve dipped my toes into the water, and I’m kind of enjoying it. This movie is not a parody. It’s a drama with elements of a police story, but three of the characters happen to be a werewolf, a vampire and Frankenstein’s Creature.” And don’t look for the latter to echo the appearance of Universal’s famous creation. “We had total say on what the Creature would look like,” Israel says. “We hired Greg Cannom, who is an Academy Award-winning makeup artist, one of the greats in the business who usually only does features. He did Bram Stoker’s Dracula, so he’s had experience doing vampires. He was clearly the best choice.

“Cannom had always wanted to have the opportunity to do his artistic interpretation of Frankenstein’s monster,” Israel continues. “I think this is by far the most ingenious interpretation; there are no bolts. Also, this is a sympathetic creature for whom we should have empathy. The actor who plays him, Peter Crombie, makes you feel that remarkably well.”

While the producers and Cannom were given artistic control, Israel confesses that they were careful about being too graphic in the horror and violence department. “We’re pushing the envelope as far as we can, but we still have to keep in mind that this is going to be available on every TV set in America,” he notes. “Kids are going to watch it, and sponsors have their needs too. It’s as graphic as it needs to be, but it’s never gruesome.”

Israel was involved in all aspects of the production, but the one element which gave him the most worry during the 48-day shoot was the training of real wolves for the lycanthrope scenes. “Our werewolves are not going to be hairy people,” he reveals, “The actors are going to morph into actual wolves. But we had to train the animals to do different types of stunts, which is probably the single most important thing we have to do on the show. Only the stunt people and the trainers work with the wolves; they’re too dangerous.”

Responsible for scripting all these hazardous scenarios was White, who was tapped by Universal and NBC to work on House of Frankenstein after the success of Beast last year. That two-part miniseries was his first exploration into monster movies, and though he’s not a complete fan of the genre, White admits, “It’s impossible not to be influenced by the past [horror] movies. It’s part of our collective consciousness vampires, werewolves and certainly the Frankenstein Creature. So my approach to this story is not as a genre picture, but just as another dramatic story which happens to have these rather extraordinary elements.”

One aspect which may surprise some connoisseurs of vampire lore is White’s concept of them as fallen angels. “It was just a notion that came to me while I was writing,” he recalls. “Part of the iconography of vampires is their abhorrence of anything religious, they often fly and they have power over people—they bring evil into people’s lives. This is a very satanic idea. Satan and his minions are fallen angels, and the concept felt right.

“One of the things I wanted to do was to humanize all of the creatures in the script,” White continues, then adds, “I don’t know if humanize is the right word, but to make us understand them better. I’ve always found something poignant about fallen angels. They lived in grace and fell from it; they always want to get back to it, but they can’t. They are creatures condemned by their own natures, and it’s heartbreaking.’

White also took a few liberties with the classic European mythology of vampires when it comes to the sun’s effect on them, acknowledging that he took inspiration from Coppola’s movie. “In that version, Dracula moved around freely in the daylight,” the writer says. “He protected himself from the sun, making sure his face and hands were covered. but that’s a practical consideration. If you’re going to tell a story like this in modern Los Angeles, you don’t want the vampires to only be out at night; it gets kind of tired. Also, these vampires have assimilated themselves; they have intermingled with us. I thought we could get away with making them a little more versatile.”

Yet White’s favorite character is undoubtedly the Creature. “I remembered clearly how the Mary Shelley book ended,” he explains. “It always seemed to me that she was setting herself up for a sequel, because she had him floating off into the darkness on an ice raft. I made it a mission in this script to make the Frankenstein Creature a real hero that and Grimes’ relationship with Grace Dawkins are the real heart of the movie. Boris Karloff’s original creature was sympathetic, but over the years, just because he’s designated as a monster, he has gotten a bum rap. I’m hoping that this, in some small way, will restore the Creature’s reputation. We wanted to show all of his aspects. He is a man out of time. His whole motivation from the moment he is awakened is to get back to where he came from.”   Great care has been taken to preserve some of the feel of and connection to the original Frankenstein movies. As an element of homage to the first House of Frankenstein, the man who searches the North Pole for the Creature is named Dr. Niemann. Also referenced is one of the most stein: the encounter between the Creature and a little girl. This often misunderstood and usually censored scene is now transposed to a meeting between the two on a bus, but the compassion will hopefully still be there.

Of course, none of the emotional scenes or extensive makeup can work if cast in the part. And for the role of Frankenstein’s creation, Crombie appears perfectly suited. The actor always refers to his character as the Creature, never “the monster,” which is the first indication of how carefully he respects the part. Even being subjected to almost three hours of makeup doesn’t deter Crombie’s enthusiasm; in fact, he believes that this long process is the best preparation he could have to get into the part. “I stare at myself in the mirror as Bill Corso, my makeup artist, puts each piece of the mask on my face,” he says. “I can’t really do anything else. I’m slowly putting the skin, metaphorically and literally, of this character on me.

“I remember an acting class I had at Yale’s drama school,” Crombie continues. “They had a closet filled with costumes and masks. You’d take a mask and sit in front of these mirrors and see what it did to you, what would arise emotionally. As bits of character would emerge, you’d put on costumes, compiling more and more of a character. You don’t get many opportunities to do something like that, especially using such elaborate masks as these. I knew I wasn’t going to begin to find this character until I had the makeup on. It was going to do things to me-affect the way I carried my head or make me move my mouth in a certain manner. And sure enough, that’s what happened. It turns out that the voice I had developed (for the audition) was too much. You can allow the makeup to do the work for you, and it will, if you let it.

“I was a little anxious at first,” Crombie admits. There was a touch of claustrophobia, especially when they did a full head cast. It was like being entombed. They told me it was going to be about 12 minutes, and it was 35. I just meditated to myself and managed to hold it together. They also did a cast of my chest and arms, because they were thinking of doing a kind of glove. But they abandoned that idea, and I think rightly so. The chest makeup was only used for one shot, when I first appear as the Creature and he’s still in 19thcentury clothes.”

The actor agrees with White’s inspiration to humanize this particular creation. “The idea is,” Crombie explains, “the Creature doesn’t totally look like a monster when he’s walking down the street. He could be mistaken for some homeless guy. If I were in New York, where I used to live, I would have just hit the streets in preparation for this character, because I would have found some version of him there. I’ve certainly seen enough of them over the years, and I’m working that into the Creature.”

Crombie also had to work carefully in animating his facial expressions, since his movements tended to become muted under the layers of makeup. However, this was not the first time Crombie had worked with such extensive makeup. Playing the Creature couldn’t prepare Crombie for the astonished reactions from the extras or the busloads of tourists who saw him on the backlot at Universal Studios, where some of House of Frankenstein was shot. “The trams ran by every three minutes in front of my trailer,” he remembers with a laugh. “I’d be waiting, and the trams would get backed up and I couldn’t get across the street. So I’d be standing there in my undershirt and full makeup, and the people wouldn’t know what they were looking at. They didn’t know if they should point their cameras or run and hide. I think they got their money’s worth.”

Serving as the movie’s resident expert on vampire and werewolf lore is the Professor Kendall character played by awardwinning actress Pounder, who devoted plenty of careful study to her eclectic role. “I love her handle,” she say proudly. “Associate Professor of Cultural Symbolic Anthropology. I think she invented a department for herself, and she’s got a lot of theory experience in a number of subjects. One thing I liked is that when I went into my office, the set designer had used ritualistic and mythological objects from all over the world-a very smart move.

“Kendall is incredibly curious about these legends and whether they were myths or reality at some point,” Pounder continues. “She’s a strong character and definitely an authority in her field. I play her dead serious. I don’t think that in the annals of horror films there has been a black female lead of this kind. If you’re going to act, you might as well go through this kind of door of opportunity. You know me,” she laughs. “I like to go where no man has gone before.”

As far as Pasdar was concerned, the best thing about playing Detective Coyle was that he didn’t have to spend hours in the makeup trailer.

  “I’m sleeping while they’re in there with the prosthetics,” he says. “That’s the best part. I don’t have to get up at 5 a.m. and sit in the chair. Every once in a while, I have to get a little dirt put on my face, a little smudge here and there. That’s the extent of it.”

Pasdar confesses to being a major fan of horror movies—“I like the ones that are done right almost as much as I love watching Plan 9 from Outer Space”—and is proud of having starred in the legendary cult movie Near Dark. “We don’t take credit for improving the genre, but we certainly took it in another direction. That was fun. House of Frankenstein is a different side of the coin. I’m not on the monster squad, I’m on the vice squad. It’s much more fun playing a straight cop chasing these guys. While the genre might be the same, my approach to the characters is completely different.

“Coyle is a by-the-book cop,” he adds. “He’s a detective trying to make the best of his job, to protect and serve in LA. He’s an average person confronted by a situation that is a bit above average. That’s when you get a real dichotomy between what needs to be done and what has been done before.

“To me,” Pasdar admits, “one of the most interesting aspects of the script is bringing the Creature into Los Angeles and keeping him as unmolested by human intervention as possible. He’s as pure as he can be. The irony is that the Creature seems more human than most of the people you run into on a day-byday basis in this town. He has an inherent soul that’s a beautiful thing to watch. That was one of the reasons I wanted to do this movie – to work with the Creature and a werewolf at the same time.”

Regardless of the thoughtful approach the actors might have towards their craft or the otherwise demanding schedule of a TV miniseries, Pasdar has some wicked ideas for a few good gags. “I’d love to walk into a 7-Eleven with the Creature to get a Slurpee; that would be fun,” he says, laughing at the idea. “Drive down the freeway in a convertible listening to Bon Jovi, or go down to the beach and have him try to get a little sun. Put him on rollerblades in the bike path. If I get a chance, I’ll tell you.” But at the time of this writing, neither Detective Coyle nor the Creature had been spotted at any of the beaches, or seen speeding down the freeways of Los Angeles.

Cannom doesn’t usually work in television. “It was really fun to be able to do a Frankenstein like the real character, plus all the werewolves and flying vampires,” said Cannom. “We had to do it. It was just too much fun to turn down.”

Though the Frankenstein monster is the character of the Mary Shelley novel, White’s script is contemporary and downgrades both Dracula and the Wolfman to a generic vampire and werewolf. Eighty percent of HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN was shot in and around Los Angeles on practical locations, including some exterior filming at the Ennis-Brown House, a residence designed in the 1920s by Frank Lloyd Wright, representing the mansion of Crispian Grimes (Greg Wise), the master vampire.

Wise is a British actor, who nonetheless portrays Grimes as an American. Wise explained how his approach is both similar to, and different from, what has come before. “I think the primary root of it is that he has to assimilate into the society. That’s why I’m playing an American. We’ve given him a very small scar and darkened my eyes using lenses, so I don’t think it’s too out of the ordinary. For a vampire to survive, he has to be able to fit within the society he finds himself in.”

Grimes can transform himself into an inhuman bat-monster, but there is a part of him that retains what once made him human. Noted Wise, “This piece looks at the period of his existence when he’s getting tired. It’s looking at the existential question of why we’re here. His story becomes a morality tale. He discovers we’re here to love and be loved. He’s a terrifically lonely man. I think that’s one of the more interesting ideas, that if you have been around for so long, nothing excites you anymore. You’ve said it all, you’ve done it all, you’ve seen it all.”

Grimes’ inamorata is Grace (Terry Polo), who gets bitten by Grimes’s werewolf protector and starts to change herself. “When she rebuffs him at the end, he stops his existence,” said Wise. He throws himself into fire. He kills himself because he realizes there is no point in walking this Earth without love.”

Cannom had fun working on Grimes’ bat transformation, a being which brings to mind the Man-Bat of BATMAN fame. “I wanted to create something for TV more elaborate than some

one would normally do,” said Cannom. “Because this was a flying bat-creature, a fallen angel type of thing, we wanted to really do a spectacular suit, but still keep it within limits for TV. Miles Teves designed the creature. He designed ROBOCOP and LEGEND.” The human-sized vampire bat not only has a bat-like head, but huge wings as well, suspended from a helicopter for the flight sequences. Hand-held controls make the movement of the wings.

Into this mix is thrown the Frankenstein monster, who is found by Grimes and originally brought to Los Angeles to be featured in his new night spot: The House of Frankenstein. The monster is sympathetically played by Peter Crombie. Crombie had to sit through a two-hour makeup application process which completely hid his features under a pliable latex mask. Unlike other versions of the Frankenstein monster seen in the past, this one isn’t a lumbering menace. “He actually turns out to be kind of a good guy, a hero,” said Crombie proudly. “What he really wants to do, like ET, is to get home, back up to the ice flows up north. It becomes a revenge mission for the creature to get Grimes, who ends up teaming up with the lead detective, played by Adrian Pasdar.”

Even though this version of the Frankenstein monster is supposed to follow more closely the description in the Mary Shelley novel, Crombie admitted that they did have to backoff a little since the production was being done for television. “Part of the description is that the skin is very translucent you can see through layers of it, to see veins and arteries. And to a extent you get some of that with this. An undead sort of look. I think the whole idea is that it’s much less of a monster, and much more of an innocent, an outcast, just a very vulnerable being, who is much more real emotionally, than the more traditional monster. That’s what I’m shooting for.”

The character Adrian Pasdar plays, Vernon Coyle, isn’t meant to be an unusual man, but instead is a man forced to make unusual choices. As Pasdar observed, “He’s your average cop. What’s interesting is having an ordinary cop confronted with an extraordinary situation. We tried to cut the dialogue down to as minimal as we could and it’s been effective in establishing the fact that it’s a realistic approach. He’s by the book and then gets confronted by a monster that you have to throw the book away and deal with a little more abstract solutions.”

In describing why a modern interpretation of an old idea can be both interesting and important, the actor stated, “There’s always room for a contemporary interpretation of a classic tale, from Shakespeare up to Bram Stoker and to Mary Shelley. There’s room for both interpretations. I think it’s interesting to watch a welldone classic. I think it’s much more difficult to do it contemporary.”

CAST/CREW Directed Peter Werner

Written B. White

Adrian Pasdar as Vernon Coyle, a police detective trying to solve the case of “The Midnight Raptor”

Greg Wise as Crispian Grimes, a Dracula-like vampire who is known to the police as a serial killer nicknamed “The Midnight Raptor”. He is the millionaire owner of the nightclub House of Frankenstein, which is secretly a haven for vampires.

Teri Polo as Grace Dawkins, a newly bitten werewolf who is also the love interest of detective Vernon Coyle and the heart’s desire of Crispian Grimes

Peter Crombie as Frankenstein’s monster, discovered frozen in a block of ice and planned as an exhibit for House of Frankenstein, but escapes

CCH Pounder as Dr. Shauna Kendall Miguel Sandoval as Detective Juan ‘Cha Cha’ Chacon Jorja Fox as Felicity Richard Libertini as Armando Karen Austin as Irene Lassiter

CREDITS/REFERENCES/SOURCES/BIBLIOGRAPHY Cinefantastique v29n06-07 (Nov 1997)

  House of Frankenstein (TV Mini-Series 1997) SUMMARY Vernon Coyle (Pasdar), a detective with the Los Angeles Police Department, is trying to solve a series of bizarre murders.