#this has been in my heart rent free for months. can anybody fucking hear me

[cute-pluto]

(Jaiden and Bagz conversation in Dapper and Pomme's house at Bagz')

J: I think thats the one part that I want, I want my memories back.

B: Yeah, I think out memories are the key of everything on this island to be honest.

J: Yeah, but I'm also kind of like... for me, I'm kind of like do I even want my memories back if I truly was on the side of the federation, yknow. Like was I a bad person before?

B: Do you feel you were? You could have been like the theory I have with Cucucurcho; like working for the federation but not very consciously, you know?

J: Yeah, I could have been a little brainwashed or manipulated. But still-

(They both get distracted by the chat and don't finish their thoughts)

-jaiden 5:12:45, 10/07/2023

[apollosgiftofprophecy]

What made you fall in love with Copollo and how can we angst this with Hypollo?

I had to marinate this in my head for a bit haha

First - What Made Me Love Copollo?

I don't know if I have the words for it, but I shall try! XD

First of all, I do love me some of that simple, satisfying ships that make you smile - ie, Percabeth - but -

But. But.

There's something about those toxic relationships that are so interesting.

And Copollo has an especially interesting dynamic - Commodus is the more toxic one, but Apollo's the one with all the power. Usually it's only one person with both those things but it's split between them (and note: I said Commodus was the more toxic one - Apollo was also toxic. he was enabling Commodus.)

So the dynamic is one reason. But I also just...love their story.

They relate to each other on a level rarely reached. They had a genuine relationship that was more than carnal, or even just affectionate. They loved each other, and I do think Commodus had just as much of an effect on Apollo as Daphne and Hyacinthus did.

I mean come on.

Apollo gets nervous around trees because of Daphne = Apollo doesn't like water because of Commodus.

Apollo describes Hyacinthus as perfect = Apollo has thought of Commodus as perfect.

It's all right there^^^^

And with Apollo, it's like he's caught in this "I can fix him" / "he can make me worse" mindset.

With Commodus, he's been seeking validation his whole life and clings to Apollo's when it's given to him - and his sanity spirals when he looses it.

They're that perfect mix of "match made in heaven" and "match made in hell". They would have worked but they also could not.

It's just. such a tragedy. which FITS because ya know, Greek Tragedy TM ;)

AND OF COURSE THEIR INTERACTIONS ARNUMNUMNUM!!!!!

How they're so very casual with each other in that flashback. Apollo's bouncing grapes off Commodus's nose for crying out loud THEY'RE IN LOVE YOUR HONOR-!

And then. In ToA. urhhhhhh it's so good. Commodus is That Ex with a picture of his ex on a dartboard. SERIOUSLY. and he THROWS KNIVES AT IT.

LIKE COME ON HOW MUCH MORE JILTED EX CAN YOU GET?

"dear heart", anybody? DEAR HEART? REMEMBER THAT?! I DO!!! LIVES RENT-FREE IN MY HEAD!!!!!

also the two innuendos in TDP and TTT are so good like come on Rick you know what you did there

and then. their final scene together. it's just. ARGHURHMMRM

Apollo reminisces on how he used to hold Commodus's hands with love. Commodus is so fucking eager to take a shot at him. Apollo screams him to death like omfg and the last thing - the last thing - Commodus hears is Apollo's pent-up heartbreak.

May I emphasize Apollo's pent-up heartbreak. HIS HEARTBREAK OVER THE LAST FEW MONTHS YES BUT ALSO HIS LIFETIME. WHICH MEANS COMMODUS IS LITERALLY GIVEN A FACE-FULL OF PROOF THAT APOLLO STILL CARED FOR HIM.

Two people in love, and their love going so wrong when one betrays the other - killing them! - and the other is suddenly hellbent on revenge?

It's all about that lovers to enemies, everybody. Enemies to lovers is good and all but what about loves to enemies.

It's so good armnumnum.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE THEM OKAY I LOVE THESE BISEXUAL BITCHES MJHYJUFGH

inhale

exhale

i'm good now. ahem inspects ask angst it with Hyapollo now, eh?

Let's see here...

Well for one Commodus is 100% jealous of Hyacinthus. Like sorry I'm not moving from this hill I will die on this hill you will have to climb up this hill and drag me off it kicking and crying and screaming and clawing you. I'm not moving. crosses arms and sits down pouting

Meanwhile, in the Hyacinthus department, I think Hya would just...not really care? Or well, he'd care about how Apollo took the whole arc but he wouldn't be like "oh no he moved on :(" about it (Poly Apollo is canon y'all i don't make the rules!). more like "bitch you think I give a shit about you?" at Commodus. "YOU'RE NOT WORTH MY TIME!"

I also find it funny if it's this:

this hasn't really turned out as angst but the comedic potential is too good lmao XD

[bssaz97]

“Call Me Back Part 3”

*Wallwood, The Next Day*

Young Woman: Mister Denver, you have a vista or here to see you. They say they’re Beacon Officials.

Denver: Oh! Send them in please!

As the mayor’s receptionist opens the door two figures walk in. One is a older woman with whitening platinum hair and piercing emerald green eyes. The other is a young looking man with black hair, a tan complexion, and hazel eyes. Denver recognizes this as Headmistress Glynda Goodwitch and her assistant Oscar Pine from the newly reopened Beacon Academy. Standing up from his desk, Denver goes to greet the two visitors.

Denver: Ms. Goodwitch, it is a pleasure to see you in my humble village. How may I be of service to you.

Glynda: Thank you Mayor Denver for having us, I only wish it was under better circumstances.

Denver: Yes...I’ve been told about the investigation about the whereabouts of Mr. Arc. If there’s anything I can be of service to you, ask away!

Oscar: We’ve been told about the disappearance by a friend of ours, I’m sure you remember Ruby Rose calling you yesterday morning.

Denver: Oh yes, I remember that conversation very well, it’s honestly been on my mind for sometime. I’ve talked to Mr. Arc very briefly but he seemed very dedicated to his fiancé, she was all he ever talked about.

Glynda: If we may Mayor, would be able to remember any places that Jaune Arc was lodging at during his stay at the village, places he went, and people he may have talked to while in Wallwood?

Denver: Well I could give you the address of where he was staying but for who he talked to, you will need to ask around I’m afraid.

Glynda: That should start our investigation well enough. Thank you Mayor Denver we appreciate your cooperation.

Denver: My pleasure Ms. Goodwitch! I hope you are able to find him.

Both Goodwitch and Oscar leave the mayor’s office and make their way outside. After being given the address of Jaune’s lodging they go to the local inn and ask the owner for permission to investigate the room. Once the owner agreed they make their way up to the room assigned to Jaune during his stay and opened the door. As they expected the room was cleaned up and everything looked presentable for when new guests come to rent the room.

Glynda: Drat! Just as I thought they cleaned the room of any evidence by now.

Oscar: Not necessarily. (Walk to the middle of the room)

Glynda: Oscar, the room has probably been changed much to often for you to pick up anything from here.

Oscar:(Looks back at her) You’re probably right but I still need to give it a shot.

Oscar inhales briefly while closing his eyes, reaches behind him to grab the same old cane passed down to him by his predecessor for safekeeping. He raises it a few inches off the floor, then once the exhales he brings his cane down. Doing sends a green glow around the room for a brief moment, then recedes back to Oscar as he opens his eyes. He turns back to Goodwitch with a frown on his face.

Glynda: What did you see?

Oscar: Nothing to help our investigation, or help us find Jaune quicker.

Glynda:(Breathes in then out) Oscar, I know that this may be hard for you to hear but...I don’t think we’ll be finding Jaune Arc-.

Oscar: We will find him, I’m certain of it. I was able to sense where he was planning to go, the only problem was he would have to go along the Woodland Trail passage.

Glynda: I see. So it seems like we will need a larger search party than just the two of us.

Oscar: Nothing to fear though, I just contacted Penny awhile ago, said she was willing to help us out with eyes in the sky.

Glynda: ...Hmph.(Smiles) Sometimes I forget that you have a thousand year old mind inside that head of yours. Always thinking ahead.

Oscar: I try my best.

Glynda: Well come along, we’ll have better chance of finding him when we have daylight.

Oscar: Yes mam.

*Few hours later*

The group of hunters, volunteers, and a flying maiden spend a good part of the day looking for any trace of the missing Jaune Arc. Many were friends of his and Ruby; like Lie Ren, Nora, Blake and Sun. Other volunteer included some of the villagers of Wallwood who had volunteered to help with the search. The light of day was starting to disappear, as was many’s hope of finding any indication of where the blonde knight may have went. Oscar usual optimism was starting to fade into worry. They had search almost every part of this path and they couldn’t find anything. As we was getting a bit frantic in his search, he heard a noise from above. Upon looking up Oscar sees Penny descending to the ground.

Oscar: Please tell me you found something Penny.

Penny: (Struggles to look at his eyes) I...I did....But I’m afraid you won’t like it.

Oscar felt a dark feeling in his stomach and hope it wasn’t what he thought it was. Soon after Oscar told the group over comms that Penny something and soon began to follow after as she leads the way. The feeling in Oscar’s stomach starts to grow as he starts noticing the forest around them begin to look more... battle scarred. Eventually they follow Penny as she leads them to an opening in the forest...there truly was no words to describe what he was seeing.

Around them the entire scenery was cleared, but not from natural causes. There was a familiar smell in the air of battle. Trees knocked over or cut down, patches of ground where areas were scorched, and a very ominous crater. How could anybody have missed this, this clearing was very near Wallwood so why didn’t anyone take notice of fighting.

Sun: Gods. It looks like a war zone here.

Blake: How did nobody notice this, there’s no way that people didn’t hear this happen.

Oscar: We can ask those questions later, right now we need to see if Jaune was a part of this struggle or not.

Penny: Oscar...this isn’t why I brought you here.

Oscar: What?

Penny signaled him to follow him and once the go behind one of the trees in the middle of the clearing. Oscar sees Goodwitch standing there, with her glasses off and wiping her eyes with her free hand. They make brief eye contact and Oscar follows where she was looking at before....and wished he hadn’t.

Oscar:(Backs away) No...no, no, no, no, no... (Covers his mouth)

Glynda:(Walk over time her assistant and places her hand on his shoulder) I truly am sorry. I...I wanted to be weong too.

Glynda walks away from him as Oscar tries to process this as best he could but all that was coming to his head were memories. Cherished memories of his younger years when he first met team RNJR, Yang, Weiss and Qrow, how they began their journey to stopping a plot to destroy mankind. Many of these memories have Ruby and Jaune as focal points, the two being role models for him and soon became greater friends he could ever hope to gain. However, right now, he was staring at what was essentially the lifeless corpse of someone he had grown to call a brother. There were so many emotions coming over him, pain, anguish, sadness, anger, and all these things made him want to empty his stomach.

Oscar feel something taking his hand and looks down to see a black gloved hand encompassing his own. He looks at the owner and sees Penny with a almost misty eyed looking expression. She tightened her hold of his hand.

Penny: I’m sorry for your loss.

‘Loss’...it was at those words that he truly began to feel dread. It wasn’t just him that will suffer from this revelation. He can overhear Glynda giving the news to the rest of the group, and he could hear Nora practically struggling to get past Goodwitch’s semblance to see her fearless leader. It hurts his heart to hear Nora began breaking down into sobs as she tries to deny what she had been told. Once freed, Oscar can hear Ren taking hold of Nora as she crumbles on the ground. The others not much better, understandable as they knew Jaune longer and felt crushing grief as even Yang gave way to tears. It was then that a crushing truth that hadn’t occurred to him yet. ‘Ruby.’ Her fiancé was dead... how could he face her after she practically begged him and the others to find him and bring Jaune back to her. From this Oscar began groaning within himself and he too starts to give way to tears. Not only or his loss, but everyone’s. Especially Ruby.

*Two Month Later*

Ruby woke up from her slumber, once again to see a empty space in her bed, something she still found hard to grasp. Just two months ago she attended the funeral of her fiancé Jaune Arc. She had no words to describe the crushing pain she felt that day, only that it didn’t go away. A lot of her friends and family came to attend. Jaune’s family was there too, but she didn’t have the strength or the courage to face them. She didn’t feel she had any right to face them, feeling too grieved and ashamed of facing his parents. Saphron and Terra gave her their condolences, which was nice but honestly it didn’t make her feel much better.

How was she to supposed to get better after this. This wasn’t the first time she had a death of someone close to her; her mother, Phyrra, Maria. But honestly this felt much heavier blow. Be a after her mom, Jaune was the one fill her life with so much love and she wanted to spend every moment of it with him. But now he was gone....she was alone again.

Ruby: Why...why him...(Crying)

*Knock! Knock! Knock!*

Yang: Rubes? You awake?

Ruby didn’t respond just continued to cry into her pillow. Much too grieved to give her sister a response. However, Yang took this as a sign to enter and once she came in she saw the state of her sister, Yang looked down and sighed. Once Yang makes her way over to the bed she nudges Ruby’s elbow.

Ruby: Go away....

Yang: Rubes you gotta get up and do your exercises, you’ve been laying down for weeks on end.

Ruby: (Pushes her head closer to the pillow) Please just leave me be...

Yang: Look I know you really don’t want to but you got to get up, it’s not good to stay just sitting here while you’re in you last trimester. The doctor said so.

Ruby: The doctor can go fuck herself.

Yang was taken aback at Ruby’s plain unfazed use of a swear, as she almost rarely, if she ever used one.

Yang: Ruby....

Ruby: Yang please I... I’ll come out in a bit...just....leave me be...I don’t feel like doing anything right now.

Yang: ....Ok. Ok, I’ll be waiting down stairs for you ok. Just be there whenever you’re ready.

Yang walk away from the door and steps to the side where she could see Ruby remain unmoved on the bed. She knew that she wouldn’t go on much longer than this. Ruby needed someone to help her through her grief, but her inexperience witb this sort of matter, Yang knew there was only one person to help her sister out.

*The Next Day*

Ruby was sitting on the couch with a plate of crackers and pickles of all things, she’ll never understand why she craved them now but she didn’t care. Her hair had grown down to past her shoulders and was mostly unkempt. She was watching another rerun on the Holo-TV when she heard a noise.

*Knock! Knock! Knock!*

Ruby: Yaaaaaang! Can you get the door!

Yang:(From the Kitchen) I’m making your next meal sis! Sorry but you’re gonna have to get the door at some point! Besides you’re closer.

Ruby:(Groans) Fiiiiiinnneee! But for the record, I’m the one carrying two babies in me you know! So don’t blame me if I need to get my legs massaged again!

Yang looked in the corner of her eye to watch as Ruby stood gently up to stand on her feet and walked towards the door. Yang hid her smile, phase one was complete. Now she just needs to count on phase two to work.

Ruby walks towards the door at a moderate pace while holding the wall and makes it to the door slightly out of breath. Secretly cursing Yang for making her walk her all the way over to the door. She opens the door and to her surprise she sees someone who she hasn’t seen for a good few weeks.

Ruby: Dad?

Taiyang: Hey Sweetie, hope you don’t mind your old man dropping in do you?

Ruby: N-no, not at all come on in.

The two make their way inside her home and find themselves in the living room where Ruby originally found herself in, the only exception was her dad was there. For a few moments neither of them said anything, just comfortable with the normal silence.

Taiyang:(Clears Throat) Well it looks like you have a nice place around here. I know I don’t come by to often. Not since, well you know.

Ruby:(Looks down) Mmmph.

Taiyang: I see you decided to grow your hair out?

Ruby: Oh yeah, I don’t...haven’t had time to go out of the house lately. (Coughs) Would you like some water or anything Dad?

Taiyang: Sure if you’re offering.

As if she read their minds, Yang came to the living room and brought them two glasses of water.

Yang: Here you go! (Leaves to go back to the kitchen)

Taiyang: Thanks my little sun dragon!~

Ruby:(Giggles lightly) You know she hates that you still call her that.

Taiyang: Well I’m her father so I can still call her whatever I please. Doesn’t matter if she’s grown or not!

Ruby:(Giggles) ...So what’s this visit about?

Taiyang: What? Do I need a reason to see my baby girl as she’s about to have babies of her own.

Ruby: So there’s isn’t a particular reason why you’re stopping by.

Taiyang:(Scratching his neck) Well I didn’t say that....How are you holding up?

Ruby:(Breathes in) Fine. I’m as good as I can be. (Avoids looking at him)

Taiyang:(Tries to look at her face) You know sweetheart, you never were a good liar.

Ruby:(Stiffens) So...what if I’m lying. Is it so wrong to hide what I’m truly feeling...

Taiyang: No, no! Of course not. I understand why you’re feeling this way.

Ruby:(Looks at him critically) Do you? Do you really Dad?

Taiyang: ...More than you know.

Ruby holds her breath, in that moment she saw in her father something she hadn’t seen in awhile. Understanding.

Taiyang: Ruby...When I first lost your mother, I felt like I was stuck in place. Like I wasn’t living reality anymore and I was stuck in a dream that I never would wake up from. I didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere because I was afraid I would have to face the fact that...she was gone and never coming back. I have a feeling that you’re going through something similar right now.

Ruby: I.... I-It’s so hard to just...do anything anymore. Everytime I look at my scroll I feel like I want to pass out. I...was so angry when he didn’t call back... I-I ‘sniff’ what if I-I’m the reason he...I was trying so hard to talk to him that I didn’t even consider that he may have been in danger... I let myself be so stupid and think that he was the bad guy in that instance that I didn’t even bother to check up sooner on how he was doing! I-I killed him Dad! I didn’t call anyone until it was too late and now HE’S GONE BECAUSE OF ME!

Ruby brought her hands to her face, to cover her face as she wept intensely. Immediately Taiyang hugs his daughter into his embrace. Whispering sweet nothings to her, doing his best to comfort his grieving daughter. After nearly twenty minutes of crying Ruby had began to calm down or as calm as she could. Once she does, Taiyang takes his baby girl’s face in his hands and so she could see him for what he’s going to say.

Taiyang: Listen to me sweetheart, you are not to blame for what happened. You didn’t know and no one could have known what would happen. It is not your fault! I know it’s a hard thing to do but you need to have mercy on yourself.

Ruby: I don’t know how...it feels like in a deep abyss that I can’t crawl out of...I-I can’t do this on my own.

Taiyang: Ruby, you are never gonna be alone. You have me, Yang, and all of your friends who are here for you. They know you’re in deep pain but you have to let them help you to heal, even if it feels painful to bring up those hard moments.

Ruby: ‘Sniff’ Is...is this feeling ever going to go away?

Taiyang: That’s the thing about grief sweetheart...it never fully goes away. In time it lessens but at some points it’ll come back at full force. It’s something you are going to be battling for a long time. So...do you want to start fighting back?

Ruby: ....Yes.

Taiyang places a piece a paper in her hand that looks aged but still readable.

Ruby: What’s this?

Taiyang: Something I wrote down to help me during my tough days. I think you may need it more right now more than I ever did.

Ruby holds the piece of paper close to her and hugs her dad tightly, which he reciprocates.

Ruby: Thank you Dad.... I really needed that.

Taiyang: Anytime my little bud.

Ruby smiles she looks to read the message and she reads it out loud.

Ruby: “I forgive myself, I forgive my weakness, I forgive my my actions. I am prone to mistakes, I am not perfect, I’m only human. It is ok to feel sad, but I do not let my sorrow consume me. I am strong not for my strength, but to admit my weakness. But most importantly... I still love myself...as those who have loved me” ‘Sniff’ You wrote all this?

Taiyang: To be fair I did read a lot of books while you two were younger so I had time to make a summary of it.

Ruby:(Giggles) You’re such a dork!

Taiyang: Hey I’m your dad, it’s my job to be a dork at times. (Places his hand on her left shoulder) Anytime you feel the need to cry or talk things out, my door is always going to be open to you.

Ruby: Thanks Dad....hey did you spill some water on me when you hugged me from before?

Taiyang:(Looks to see his water glass on the table) Um...no? Why?...oh. Oh! Oh my gods Ruby I think your water just broke! Yang Ruby’s water broke we need to get her to the Hospital!

Yang: Wait really?! Shit! I’ll get the car ready!

Ruby: What?! (Looks down to see a large wet area in her sweat pants) Oh god! It’s happening right now?! I’m not ready!

Taiyang: I’m sorry little bud, but I don’t think those babies are going to wait. Come on just take my hand and we’ll get you there soon.

Ruby:(Following her Dad) Oh! I just got out of my funk!

-End of Part 3; will be concluded in Part 4 -

*Please don’t hate me! Another cliffhanger see you next time!*

[steebrogurz]

Into Pieces

Request: Can I request an angsty fic with Steve Rogers where he breaks up with reader for her sake. And then returns a few years later but now she is too hurt and is not ready to take him back?? Or rather not willing to let anybody close to her at all??

warnings: 100% grade A homegrown angst, blood,  word count: 2195

a/n: i’m so sorry this took so long I started school again so I don’t have a lot of time to write anymore :( but I promise I will get to each and every request you lovely people send me!!! you can send me a request here :)

You woke up in the middle of the night warm in your bed with Steve’s arms around your waist holding you close. You let out a content sigh as you snuggled further into his muscled chest before realizing how dry your throat was. After another sigh of annoyance you pulled yourself free from his arms, careful not to wake him, and made your way down the hall of your apartment to get a glass of water. Bleary eyed and without turning on any lights you entered your kitchen and filled a glass with water, you turned around bringing the glass to your lips when you felt the weight of another body push you against the wall. You felt the sharp edge of a knife pressed against your throat and a gloved hand covered your mouth muffling any sound you might have made and a low voice sounded from behind the black tactical mask.  

“Don’t make a sound and I’ll let you live.” 

You let out a muffled whimper and glanced down the hall towards your room where Steve still slept and your mind raced through what you could do without getting yourself killed. Suddenly the glass slipped from your hand and shattered sending glass and water across the floor. 

“Shit,” the man muttered to himself momentarily distracted by the shards of glass surrounding you. You acted fast, knocking the knife away from you and running as fast as you could down the hall. The glass sliced your feet as you ran but you didn’t get too far before the man’s arm was around you pulling you back. You screamed as the knife was plunged into your side and you fell to the floor. You were losing consciousness as quickly as you were losing blood and the last thing you remember was Steve gently picking you up. 

You drifted in and out of consciousness as you lay in the hospital bed, you could hear someone talking next to you but you couldn’t make out what they were saying. When you finally woke up you slowly looked around the room but didn’t see anyone.

“Steve?” You called out, maybe he stepped out to get coffee or something. The door opened and you turned to see the doctor stepping into the room. Your face fell as he started talking and you learned that you had been here for two days, beyond that you couldn’t focus on what he was saying, you only had one thought running through your mind. Where was Steve? 

You were given your clothes and belongings and the first thing you did was pull out your phone to call him. It went straight to voicemail and your stomach dropped, did something happen to him back at the apartment? You called Bucky next and was sent to voicemail again. Did he have to leave on a mission? You got dressed and slowly made your way to the front of the hospital as you dialed one last person.

“Y/N?” Natasha answered the phone after the third ring and you sighed in relief.

“Thank God! Nat, do you know where Steve is?” you asked stepping through the doors. “They discharged me at the hospital but he isn’t answering his phone.”

There was a pause on the other end. “He was here but he left a few hours ago, I think he said he left you a note at your apartment.” 

“Oh… ok thanks,” you sighed again, if he was on a mission that would explain why he and Bucky weren't answering their phones. You looked around the parking lot trying to figure out what you were going to do.

“Are you okay? Do you need me to drive you home?” Natasha asked but you shook your head.

“No I’ll be fine, thanks though.” You hung up and ordered an Uber to come pick you up. You couldn't help the worry that was gnawing at your insides as you got closer to your apartment. Something felt off but you couldn't quite figure out what it was. Even though Nat told you that he had left you a note at home you thought that Steve would at least have someone waiting for you when you woke up if he couldn't be there himself. The walk from the car to you apartment was a blur as your head swirled with thoughts and unjustified fears. 

You took a deep breath to steady yourself before unlocking the door and stepping inside. Your eyes immediately found the spot in the kitchen where you were stabbed and you shivered at the memory. It had been cleaned up since then and if it wasn't for the stitches and bandage at your side it was as if it hadn't happened at all. You found the note next, a folded sheet of paper sat on the counter with you name on the front written in Steve's slanted handwriting. You smiled at the sight of it and flipped it open but your smile quickly faded as you read the short paragraph. 

Y/N,

There's no easy way to tell you this but I think it's best if we break up. I'm really sorry that you have to find out this way but I couldn't wait for you wake up. That man was there for me and you almost died because of it, so you'll be safer if we aren't together. I changed the lock and stocked the fridge and pantry with food so you don't have to worry about groceries while you heal. Rent has been paid up for the next six months. Please don't try to contact me or any of the team it'll only make things worse for both of us.

Wishing you well,

Steve

Tears streamed down your face as sorrow, anger, and pain coursed through you. You crumpled the note and immediately called Steve again. Just like before it went straight to voicemail but this time you didn't hang up. 

"What the fuck!" You yelled into your phone as the tears continued to fall. "You're breaking up with me with a note you left while I was in the fucking hospital? I can't believe this shit-ahh!" You turned around too quickly and felt your stitches pull against your skin. You pressed a hand to your side and took in a deep breath through your nose to try to calm yourself. "Have a great life Steve, you deserve it." You hung up and sank to the floor crying into your hands as you heart broke into pieces.

Two years later

The jingle of keys sounded at the door and you looked over from your spot on the couch to see your roommate walk through the door. 

"I met the perfect guy for you!" She exclaimed as soon as she was through the door. 

"And hi to you too," a smile tugged at the corners of you lips at her excitement. 

"Y/N, he's perfect! He's tall, hot, and he's funny!" 

"Wanda I don't want to go out with anyone. I can’t-”

“I know, your ex dumped you while you were in the hospital. But that was two years ago Y/N. It’s time you get back out there and get some dick!” She grunted and humped the air in front of you before joining you on the couch. “Come on Y/N, Jonah would be perfect for you.” she placed her hands on either side of your head squishing your cheeks a little bit and forced you to look at her.

“Wait wait wait, his name is Jonah!” you pulled your face out of her grasp failing to suppress the giggles that took over. “That has to be a joke!” You laughed. “I have never known anyone named Jonah to be tall, hot, or funny,” you counted them on your fingers when suddenly there was a knock on your door. You paused your laughter to get up and moved towards your door. “I told you that I don’t want to date anyone, and there’s a good chance I never will again. My ex completely shattered my heart when he left, I was in the hospital recovering from a stab wound when he packed up his shit and left with nothing but a shitty note left on the counter.” 

You had pieced yourself back together over the past two years but there were still cracks left in your heart that you were certain would never heal. Steve had taken a piece with him when he left and no other man would be able to fill. Even now talking about it with Wanda, your chest clenched and you had to swallow the lump that formed in your throat. 

You stepped up to the door and when you opened it you found yourself staring into the sad, blue eyes of Steve Rogers. Your mind went blank for a second as it processed the barrage of emotions that hit you. 

“Hi,” he said after a few seconds of silence, a small nervous smile graced his lips and you set a frown onto yours. 

“No.” You said firmly and closed the door before he could say anything else. The air seemed to thicken and you found yourself struggling to breathe. “Oh god, this can’t be happening, why is he here?” you walked back to sit on the couch and pressed your palms to your eyes.

“Y/N?” You heard through the door and he knocked again.

“Is that him? Your ex?” Wanda looked between you and the door, and you nodded. "You never told me your ex was Captain freaking America!" You glared at her as if to say Not now, and her grin faded. "Sorry, do you want me to get rid of him?”

You shook your head and took a deep breath, this was your problem and you needed to deal with it. “I’ll finally be able to tell him everything I couldn’t when he left me.” you marched up to the door and wrenched it open, you could feel the tears start to well up in your eyes but you fought them back. He was NOT going to see you cry! “What do you want?” you asked glaring at him.

“Can we talk?” 

“Now you want to talk? After two years. Two fucking years Steve!” Your body shook with rage and pain, the memories of waking up alone in the hospital and finding his note was slowly tearing down the wall you built around your heart, leaving it vulnerable once again.

“What I did was terrible, I know that, but I was trying to protect you.” Steve hung his head in shame. “Can I come in?” he looked up at you with hope in his eyes. Did he think he could just come back here after two years and you’d take him back with open arms?!

“No.” You quickly pulled your purse from the counter beside you and stepped out into the hall. “Let’s take a walk,” you said brushing past him towards the elevator. 

Neither of you spoke until you were outside and when you stepped out into the cool autumn air you immediately regretted not bringing a sweater with you. "Why are you here Steve?" You asked crossing your arms across your chest.

"I'm really sorry about what happened-"

"You mean when you broke up with me with a fucking note?!"

He nodded, "yeah, that. Look, I just want you to know that I never stopped thinking about you. Leaving you was a mistake." 

You let out a harsh laugh. “Really? Because I barely thought about you at all.” You could feel the tears spring up again so you turned your back on him so that he wouldn’t see. You didn’t have a destination in mind but you started walking anyway, you needed to move to distract yourself from the pain that was resurfacing. "You don't get to do this." You whispered as you stormed away from him.

"What?" Steve chased after you. "What did you say?" He dodged around people to get back to you.

"You don't get to do this!" You shouted wheeling around to face him again and he stopped short as soon as he saw your tear streaked cheeks. "You don't get to come back here saying things like that when it was you who ending things! Do you know how hard it was for me to wake up alone in that hospital and then to come home to find that you had moved out and left only a note to explain everything?!" You sniffled and wiped your nose before continuing. "You ruined me, Steve, but you know what? I can live without you, I don't need you anymore." 

With one last glance up into his pleading eyes you pushed him out of the way and began your walk back to your building. You heard him call after you and it took everything in your power not to turn back. So you kept walking, with tears streaming down your cheeks and you arms crossed over your chest as if to protect your shattered heart, but you would heal. You did it before and, with Wanda's help, you would do it again. 

a/n: please reblog to spread my work and let me know what you think of it I love hearing your thoughts and it means a lot to me :)

tags: @oliviawestbay

[andromeda---galaxy]

a love that endures

Lukas’s voice cuts into the darkness. “What if we stay in a hotel?”

 Philip snorts, fluffing his pillow up a little bit more behind his head. “Why would we pay for a room when we can stay for free in one of two different places?”

 Lukas sighs and shifts closer behind him, the mattress squeaking. “Don’t you feel like a kid when we stay there? And they treat us like kids? We’re not kids, Philip, we live on our own and have a dog we keep care of and we have sex all the time.”

 Philip closes his eyes, shaking his head and trying not to smile. He doesn’t know what Lukas considers an adult, but it’s goddamn hilarious that he thinks the amount of sex they have has anything to do with it. “Do you really want to stay in a hotel?”

 “Maybe.”

 “There are like five hotels in Tivoli. Not even.”

“I bet they’re very…quaint,” Lukas says. He starts picking at something on the back of Philip’s shirt, scratching at the spot. Philip hums, pressing back into him. “Your back still hurting?” Lukas asks, digging his thumb into the spot.

 It feels so good but Philip reels in any sexual noises he might be tempted to make, because he’s goddamn exhausted. Classes this term have been ridiculous, and he was shooting a wedding all day today. Lukas came along, which was nice, but the bride encouraged them to get in on every dance. It was amazing, so much fun, but it definitely contributed to how tired he is right now. “Yeah,” he says, simply.

 “Want me to put some icy-hot on it?” Lukas asks, still massaging the spot.

 “No, don’t get up,” Philip says. He reaches back and takes Lukas’s hand, tugging his arm around him. “Let’s go to sleep, babe. The vow renewal isn’t for a month still and we have midterms and shit to focus on.”

 “Okay,” Lukas breathes, but Philip can tell a dejected tone when he hears one. Lukas leans in and presses a string of kisses to Philip’s neck. Philip closes his eyes and enjoys it, content to fall asleep exactly like this. Lukas settles his head down on the pillow and Philip is just beginning to drift off when Lukas speaks again. “Philip.”

 Philip can’t help but smile a little bit. “Yes?”

 “I wanna stay in a hotel,” he whispers.

 “Lukas, Izzy probably won’t even be able to stay with us in those hotels,” Philip says. “Do you wanna leave her with your dad or something?”

 “No…” Lukas trails off.

 “Babe, maybe when—maybe—” And the next sentence that almost comes out of his mouth is maybe when we get married but that’s jumping too far ahead. He knows Lukas wants to get married at home, because he’s said it before. But he doesn’t know if he wants to be separate the night before. He doesn’t know if he wants to be together but at one of their places. And he gets a little dizzy thinking about their wedding. He knew it was gonna crop up the closer they got to this vow renewal of Helen and Gabe’s, but every time he thinks about it he feels a little bit sick. Not because he doesn’t want it, the fucking opposite—he wants it so bad his whole soul aches, and he’s afraid that if he thinks about it too hard the dream will shatter, and everything will fall apart.

 “This time we should just stay at your dad’s,” Philip says, finally. “And, uh—another time, when we go there, maybe we’ll leave Izzy with one of them and get a hotel. Okay?”

 “Okay,” Lukas says, leaning in and kissing his cheek. “I’ll let you sleep now, little sleepyhead.”

 Philip snorts. “Thank you.”

 “Dream of me on the dance floor,” Lukas whispers in his ear.

 “Oh yeah,” Philip says, closing his eyes and smiling to himself. “Why wouldn’t I? That’s the stuff dreams are made of.”

 “You know it.”

 ~

 They get through midterms unscathed and make it to spring break, finally. They take Izzy to the dog park for one last jaunt before they rent the car and head to Tivoli. Lukas teases Philip, asking him if he wants to drive, but Philip has no real interest in being anything but the navigator for this journey. He passed the test and got his license a little while back, but he can’t say he exactly likes driving.

 Philip looks back at Izzy, who is nestled in about ten blankets and pillows in the back seat. They didn’t want to put her in a carrier, but they were still worried about her peeing on the seats. She’s sleeping and Philip takes another picture of her with his phone, smiling to himself.

 “Who all is gonna be at this?” Lukas asks.

 Philip sits back, facing forward again and sinking down into the seat. “Not sure. A couple of their friends. Tony. That FBI lady. Your dad.”

 “Right.” Lukas sets his jaw and nods, staring out the road. “Where are they doing it?”

 “Uh, by the big tree outside the barn, I think,” Philip says.

 “Do they need somebody to like—I don’t know, like a priest or something?”

 Philip realizes that he hasn’t been asking enough questions. “You nervous or something?” he asks, the corner of his mouth quirking up.

 “No,” Lukas says, but he says it in that strange roundabout way that makes Philip think that he actually is nervous. “I mean—I just hope there’s like—I don’t want anybody there to like, judge us or say something shitty.”

 Philip shakes his head. “No way,” he says. “All their friends know about me, know that we’re together. It’s fine. Definitely not the place.”

 Lukas looks over at him and his face is already relaxing. “Good,” he says.

 “You okay now?” Philip asks, raising his eyebrows.

 “I just hope I don’t look stupid wearing a tie,” Lukas says.

 “You look great wearing a tie,” Philip says, giving him a sultry look.

 “I swear to God,” Lukas says, laughing and shaking his head. “If you goddamn tease me throughout this thing I’m gonna kill you later.”

 “Kill me how?” Philip asks, maintaining his heavy-lidded expression.

 “Not with sex,” Lukas says. “Hey, can I have a bite of my sandwich?”

 Philip has it in his lap. He pulls the wrapping back and holds it in front of Lukas’s mouth, watching him take a big bite. “More?” he asks, and Lukas nods. Philip clicks his tongue, pulling the paper back a little more. “You’re gonna choke,” he says, as Lukas takes another bite.

 Lukas chuckles a little bit, muffled around his chewing. “I’ll be fine,” he says, his mouth full.

 ~

 They stay at Bo’s so they can let Helen and Gabe have their little romantic deal with this whole thing, and when they get there he’s standing on the porch waiting for them.

 “Hey, you two,” Bo says, as he approaches the car. “Where’s that little dog?”

 “Right back there,” Philip says, getting out of the passenger side. When he walks around Bo claps him on the shoulder, looking at him appreciatively, and Philip doesn’t forget to thank his lucky stars for how far they’ve come. Lukas opens the back door and has to bar Izzy’s way so she doesn’t leap out onto the ground.

 “Well look at that, she’s so big now,” Bo says, reaching down to pat her head.

 “Humongous,” Lukas says, laughing and taking hold of her leash.

 “Lemme get your bags…”

 Philip writes out a text to Gabe and Helen, letting them know they got here safe.

 “We’ve only got a few things,” Lukas says, watching his dad walk around to the back and open the door. Lukas makes eye contact with Philip. “Anything going on tonight?”

 “Think we’re heading into town for dinner,” Philip says, and when Bo walks back around with their bags he nods at them.

 “Think they want the three of us and the dog over there tomorrow a little bit ahead of time, so we can get things going,” Bo says.

 “And the dog?” Lukas snorts. “Is she gonna be a part of this?”

 “Might have heard something about putting flowers in her hair,” Bo says, laughing a little bit.

 Philip’s mind briefly betrays him and he thinks maybe she should be our ring bearer when the time comes and he blinks to himself, trying not to blush.

 ~

 They go out for pizza since they’re gonna have a big dinner at home tomorrow night, and Lukas keeps squeezing Philip’s knee under the table, taking the teasing crown from him for the night.

 “Who all is gonna be there tomorrow?” Lukas asks, looking up at Helen, his hand still locked around Philip’s leg. Philip shakes his head because Lukas already asked him this in the car, but he keeps quiet.

 “Probably about fifteen or so people, including us,” Helen says, taking a bite of her slice. “Nothing massive. Some friends, Tony, Kamilah, Gabe’s parents—”

 “Oh, I’ve never met them,” Lukas says, looking at Gabe.

 “They’re in their later years, but they still know how to tear up the dance floor,” Gabe says, and Lukas laughs, looking at Philip.

 “That’s awesome,” Lukas says.

 “Yes,” Helen says, smiling. “My mother wasn’t able to make the journey but I’m sure we’ll get a phone call right in the middle of the ceremony.”

 Philip hasn’t ever met Helen’s mother but he did speak to her on the phone once, and he could tell where Helen gets her fierceness from.

 “Speaking of, uh—Philip,” Helen says, leaning forward and resting her elbows on the table. “We probably should have asked you this beforehand, but—” She looks at Gabe and Philip feels his heart make a little leap.

 “What is it?” Philip asks.

 “Philip,” Gabe says. “It’s just a renewal, it’s not a legal ceremony, so for the officiant we can have whoever we want. And we want it to be you.”

 Philip stares at them, then looks over at Bo to make sure it’s actually a real thing, that he’s really hearing this. Bo smiles warmly at him, nodding, and then Philip looks at Lukas, where his own emotions are mirrored. He looks at Helen and Gabe again. “Why—why would you want—want me?” he asks, his voice wavering.

 Helen narrows her eyes a little bit and laughs. “You’re our kid. You were our number one choice.”

 Philip chuckles a little bit, tears springing to his eyes. His throat goes tight and he rubs his hand over his chest.

 “So what do you say?” Gabe asks.

 Lukas grabs his hand under the table and weaves their fingers together.

 “Yeah, of course I will,” Philip says, and they all erupt in a little celebration. He smiles so hard he feels like his face is gonna break.

 “Thank God,” Gabe says, laughing.

 “They actually thought you were gonna turn them down,” Bo says. “They’ve been waffling back and forth about it for a week or more.”

 “Oh my God,” Philip says. “You guys didn’t have to be scared to ask me! I’m just worried I’ll mess it up.”

 “No, you won’t,” Helen says, shaking her head. “We’ll probably mess up our own crap, but we’ll see. You can say whatever you want to say but we found a little script online if you wanna do a take on that.”

 “Okay,” Philip says, grinning. He clears his throat and wipes his eyes, feels Lukas lean in and kiss him on the forehead.

 “We also wanted to ask something else, sort of…a plan for the future,” Helen says.

 “This is an eventful dinner,” Lukas says, happily.

 “How are the swimming lessons going?” Bo asks, looking back and forth between them.

 “I wouldn’t exactly call them lessons,” Lukas says, exchanging a look with Philip. “But he can, uh—swim out into the middle of the pool as long as I’m close by, right Philip?”

 “Yeah,” Philip says. “And I went in the deep end once and I didn’t die.”

 Lukas snorts. “He’s better than he gives himself credit for. He can float and tread water and swim pretty good. A lot better than never wanting to get into the water.”

 Bo looks at Helen and Gabe and they have a little silent conversation that makes both Philip and Lukas narrow their eyes.

 “So would—” Helen starts, holding her hands out. “Would a…a cruise be fine? This isn’t the Titanic, it’s not, uh—well it’d be in the summer so icebergs wouldn’t exactly be an issue. And we wouldn’t be going in water where they’d be anyway. But…yeah. I don’t know why I even mentioned that.”

 Gabe snorts, dipping his head into his hands.

 “What?” she says, slapping him on the shoulder.

 “A cruise?” Philip asks. “Isn’t that ridiculously expensive?”

 “Well,” Gabe says, laughing at Bo. “Well, this guy—”

 They turn to look at Bo, and Philip can feel Lukas tightening his grip on his hand a little bit.

 Bo smiles wide. “We were out to dinner and they were having a raffle for a family cruise and I—I got lucky.”

 Lukas scoffs. “You won a cruise?” he half-yells. “And you didn’t tell me? What the hell?”

 Helen and Gabe share a look that Philip doesn’t miss, but then they both hone in on him and he tries to suppress a smile at how excited they look.

 “Lukas,” Bo says, smiling too. “It just happened, days ago.”

 “So!” Lukas says, looking at Philip and shaking his head. “If that was us I would have texted you immediately.”

 “Philip, do you think you’d be alright surrounded by all that water?” Helen asks.

 “We’re all gonna go?” Philip asks. “He said family cruise.”

 Bo gestures to the table and clasps his hands together. “That’s what this is,” he says.

 Philip’s heart does another little flip at that and he shifts his lips a bit, nodding.

 “It was enough tickets for all of us, yeah,” Gabe says, glancing at Bo and clearing his throat a little bit. “You think you’d be okay?” he asks, focusing on Philip again.

 Lukas looks down at him and Philip can tell he’s still trying to be mad, but he’s clearly excited at the prospect of a cruise. “You’d be fine, right babe?” he asks. “It’d be like…being on an island. A moving island. And you’d be with me the whole time.”

 “We thought it would be fun,” Helen says, smiling softly. And Philip knows how much she deserves some fun, so he nods. He pretty much plans to be plastered to Lukas’s side the whole time, especially when they’re on the upper deck. “Really?” Helen asks, grinning.

 “Yeah,” Philip says. He looks at Lukas. “You think we could leave Iz with Angela?”

 “Yeah, I’m sure it’d be fine,” Lukas says. “How long is it?”

 “A week,” Bo says. “Would that be too long?”

 “She’d be sad,” Philip says. “But she might be distracted by her cousins, so I’m sure it’d be okay. We’d probably get a bunch of photos and videos every day.”

 “So is this a yes?” Gabe asks, taking a bite of his pizza.

 “Would probably be fun,” Lukas says, shrugging a little bit. “They always have all kinds of shit to do on cruises.”

 Philip smiles, and he can imagine a lot of it is romantic shit. Another thing he can add to the list of events he never thought he’d get to participate in with Lukas. He can imagine watching the sunset with him on the deck. Having their own cabin. “Yes,” he says. “Definitely, we’re in.”

 “That’s great,” Bo says, nodding, and he seems to deflate in what looks like relief. “Perfect.”

 “You’re really excited about this, huh?” Lukas asks, looking at his dad.

 “Yeah,” Bo says. “You could say that.”

 ~

 Lukas throws Izzy’s squirrel toy into the little space between the hay bales and she skids through them, kicking up dust. Philip is on the ground, scrolling through the internet to try and find out what the hell he should say as officiant.

 “Stop worrying so much about it,” Lukas says, patting Izzy’s side when she rushes back. He throws the toy again and she huffs, chasing after it. “There’s hardly gonna be anybody there and they all know you.”

 “Even worse that they know me,” Philip says. “I can’t mess it up because I can’t do that to Helen and Gabe.”

 “You’re not gonna mess it up,” Lukas says. Izzy races back to him and he picks her up, spinning around with her. “You’re gonna be perfect because you’re always perfect.” He puts Izzy back down and she yanks the toy up from the ground, running back into the hay bales with it.

 Philip smiles softly and looks Lukas up and down to make himself feel better.

 Lukas turns around and grins at him. “Just say whatever you think is best, about their love or whatever, how they’ve helped you, then prompt them to do their vows and say something about kissing and then it’s over! We all clap, everybody’s happy.”

 Philip snorts, shaking his head. “You sound like you’ve got it all figured out.”

 “Of course I do,” Lukas says, holding his head high and smiling. He walks over and flops down beside Philip, patting the ground in front of them. Izzy sprints over like something is chasing her and jumps into Lukas’s lap, turning around twice like a cat before resting her chin on Lukas’s knee. Philip reaches out and scratches behind her ears, watching her blink slowly. Lukas leans his head on Philip’s shoulder, nuzzling into his neck. “Can’t wait to see you in your cute fucking outfit.”

 “Same,” Philip says, resting his head on top of Lukas’s. “Whenever you wear that button up shirt I get all hot and bothered.”

 “I always make you hot and bothered.”

 Philip raises his eyebrows. “Yeah. But I’m doing something important tomorrow so I’m not even gonna look at you.”

 Lukas straightens up and Philip tries not to laugh. He leans in, cupping Philip’s face in his hands. “Oh, you better look at me,” he whispers, kissing Philip’s cheek. “You better look at every inch of me.”

 “Every inch, huh?” Philip asks, closing his eyes as Lukas’s mouth starts tracking down.

 “Every time I blink. Every time I wave at you. Every time I stuff my mouth with too much potato salad.”

 Philip snorts. “Every time? I won’t be able to look at anybody else as soon as the food comes out.”

 “That’s the idea,” Lukas says, laughing.

 ~

 Helen keeps texting him the next morning not to be nervous, which somehow makes him even more nervous. He’d looked at their script and pretty much has an idea of what he wants to say. He knows this isn’t a legal ceremony but they’ve done so much for him that he’s terrified of letting them down. He knows his life wouldn’t be anything without Helen and Gabe, literally, in Helen’s case. He doesn’t want to get up there and go blank and fuck it up like an idiot.

 “Stop,” Lukas says, suddenly standing close to him in front of the mirror. He pokes Philip in the stomach and Philip laughs, trying to wrench away before Lukas grabs him and pulls him in close.

 “You stop,” Philip says, twisting a little bit in Lukas’s arms but already feeling safer there. “You’re gonna rumple me.”

 They’re both already dressed, in dress shirts and ties and the nice pants they bought almost a year ago that have been gathering dust in the back of their closet.

 “I’m gonna rumple your brain to make you stop freaking out,” Lukas says, kissing his forehead and rubbing his hands up and down Philip’s back. “It’s about that time, we’ve already got Izzy in the car.”

 “Gimme a kiss,” Philip says, tipping his face up.

 Lukas hums a little and slots their mouths together, kissing him soft and sweet. It sends waves of warmth through Philip’s body and he tries to think about the cruise, about the date they’ve got planned in Central Park next week.

 He thinks about the word Family. Thinks about his mom and how proud she would be of him.

 “Okay,” he says against Lukas’s lips. “Let’s go.”

 ~

 The sky is an ominous color, gray with streaks of weak light streaming through the clouds. Philip is relieved that everyone isn’t really dressed up, even though Helen looks incredible in her simple blue dress. She has a matching bow to put around Izzy’s neck and insists that Lukas keeps her close during the whole thing, which Lukas in turn insists that he didn’t need to be told in the first place.

 Philip talks to Gabe’s parents for about twenty minutes straight, and apparently Gabe has been sending them his pictures and they think he’s good enough to be a professional. They try to get him to up his rates to a couple thousand per event, which sends him into hysterics, barely able to even conceive of such a thing. They each hug him for a long time and tell him they’re proud of him, and he tries not to cry and mess up Gabe’s mother’s purple shawl.

 They help Helen set up the chairs under the tree and Tony decides to help them too. He hinders a lot more than he helps, acting like a few more inches between seats is absolutely necessary and nothing will go right if he doesn’t correct their mistake. Izzy bites his shoe a little and Philip has never been more proud of their little dog daughter.

 “Tony,” Lukas says, with an exaggerated sigh.

 “What?” Tony exclaims. “I just feel like boss lady could have had more flowers.”

 “It isn’t a wedding,” Lukas says, his arm stretching out as Izzy tries to get at Tony again before he steps back just out of reach. “It’s a renewal.”

 “Uh huh, uh huh,” Tony says, narrowing his eyes at them.

 “Nothing about it is legal,” Philip says. “Because they’re already legally married.”

 “So it’s just an excuse to have a party?” Tony asks.

 “You’re not invited to our wedding,” Lukas says, giving him a look.

 Philip snorts, that familiar tightening in his stomach presenting itself just as it does whenever he so much as thinks about their wedding. They’re not even engaged, and yet it’s so natural and easy to talk about. He’ll never get over it.

 “Fine,” Tony says. “I wouldn’t know what the hell to get y’all as a gift anyhow. You just about get each other everything you could want.”

 “Yeah right,” Lukas says, scoffing and looking at Philip. “We need plenty of things that we just don’t want to buy. Like new pots and pans. An ironing board. An iron.”

 “Jesus Christ,” Philip says, laughing.

 “Real domestic,” Tony says, looking them up and down. “You need a couple aprons too?”

 “Tony, if we had a backyard, I’d be asking for a grill and a kiss the cook apron,” Lukas says, and Philip laughs again because he can’t tell what the hell kind of tone Lukas is using or what he’s trying to prove.

 “Philip, come here,” Helen’s voice says, from a little bit away.

 Philip nods, looking at Lukas.

 “I got this,” Lukas says, tugging Philip in and pressing a quick kiss to his lips. “Just text me if I need to get anything going.”

 “Okay,” Philip says, smiling at him and reaching down to pat Izzy on the back. He walks over to where Helen and Gabe are standing, briefly glancing back at the congregation of people hanging around the tree. Bo is off talking to Kamilah and some other tall dark-haired woman, there’s a group of Helen’s out of town friends all laughing pretty loudly, and Gabe’s parents are wandering over to Lukas to pet the dog.

 Helen motions for him to walk faster.

 “What’s wrong?” Philip asks, when he reaches her. “We running late? Do we need to start?”

 “Not quite yet,” Gabe says.

 “We were just talking and there’s something we wanted to discuss with you, but you can’t tell Lukas about it.”

 Philip lets out a whine before he can really think about it. “Oh no. No, I can’t…I can’t handle that.”

 “You sure?” Helen asks, exchanging a look with Gabe.

 “I…Lukas knows…well, we don’t really have secrets anymore,” he thinks, his mind running wild. “And if you told me I would inevitably tell him, which would be betraying you. And if I didn’t tell him it’d mean I’d be keeping something from him. I’d be betraying him.”

 “How do you know it’s about him?” Helen asks, crossing her arms over her chest.

 “Well isn’t it?” Philip asks.

 Helen and Gabe look at each other again.

 “Oh my God,” Philip says, covering his eyes. “You guys are gonna drive me insane. Don’t tell me. I can’t keep a secret from him.”

 “Alright,” Helen says, though she sounds slightly disappointed.

 Philip can’t imagine what the hell they’re talking about and he already knows he’s gonna tell Lukas about this conversation. He can’t even imagine not. Gabe laughs a little bit and Philip looks back up at them. “Should I text him to get them all in order?” Philip asks.

 “Yeah,” Helen says, smiling at him. “You’re gonna walk down the aisle with us.”

 Philip is momentarily distracted from the strange secret hanging in the air, and he smiles back.

 ~

 He keeps trying to focus on Lukas’s face so he doesn’t lose his damn mind. Everyone is looking at them, him, Helen and Gabe, and Philip knows he’s got to start talking, like immediately. Tony is taking a video and Lukas has Philip’s camera and Philip sighs, swallowing hard.

 “I’ve never seen a couple more in love than Helen and Gabe,” Philip says, his voice only cracking a little bit. “You can feel it all around you when you’re in the same room as them, can tell they’re this unbreakable unit running on a different wavelength than the rest of the world. They’re the kind of people that made me believe in soulmates.”

 He looks up at Lukas and sees him take a picture, smiling wide.

 “They took me into their family and, uh—most people here know it wasn’t easy. That there were—circumstances beyond everybody’s control that made it one of the more difficult foster son integrating into a home situations.” He smiles softly and they smile back, adoration in Helen’s eyes. It’s the same look his mom used to give him, and Philip has a lump in his throat. “But they never—they never gave up on me. They tried harder and harder each day to make me feel like I belonged here, to make me feel loved when I needed it most. They are—they are my parents, and they’re an incredible example of love, a beautiful representation of what everyone should strive for.” His voice breaks a little bit again and he laughs, shaking his head and wiping his eyes. “I am so—so lucky to have them.”

 Helen steps forward and kisses him on the cheek and Gabe moves in to hug them both, and Philip can hear all kinds of cameras going off.

 They step back and they’re both wiping their eyes too.

 “So,” Philip says, grinning. “I know you both have some words for each other…”

 “We just wanted to keep it simple,” Helen says, glancing out at the crowd and then back at Gabe. “You know what you mean to me. You know you make me stronger every single day, and bring out the brightness that sometimes feels…out of reach. You make me laugh harder than I ever thought I could, and you’re always raising that bar, constantly. You’re the love of my life.” She reaches out and takes Gabe’s hands.

 “You’re the love of my life,” Gabe repeats, the two of them smiling. “You’re everything to me. The most beautiful woman in the world, exuding strength well beyond anything I could ever give you. I’m eternally grateful my path crossed yours, babe. There’s nothing I love more than waking up to your face every day.”

 They start to move in to kiss each other and Philip stops being emotional for a second to step forward, holding his arm between them. “Hey, hey, hey!” he says. “Not quite yet.”

 Everyone laughs and Lukas’s is loudest, so beautiful and melodious.

 Philip clears his throat. He remembers repeating his speech to Lukas the night before, and tries to get his heart to chill out. “You exchanged rings when you got married and you still wear those rings today as a symbol of your love. You’ve renewed your vows that you made on that day, and you’ve symbolized that renewal with the words you spoke to each other today. This is the kind of love that endures,” he says, looking up to meet Lukas’s eyes. “The kind of love so strong that it lights up every room that you’re in together. So please, now you can celebrate this renewal of vows with a kiss.”

 They close the distance between them quickly, kissing longer than Philip has ever seen before. Everyone claps and he joins in too, Izzy yipping and dancing around at Lukas’s feet.

 ~

 It doesn’t take long for the rain to start. Even though the signs were all there it still takes their group by surprise, and because Tony is the only one wearing a jacket he quickly rips it off and holds it over Helen’s head. They run over to the barn where the food and tables are set up, and somehow they manage not to get too wet. It’s falling in sheets, splattering a little bit inside the barn doors.

 Philip looks around and remembers Lukas’s words at Christmas before last. Knows that he wants to get married in here.

 “The potato salad, babe,” Lukas says, tugging on Philip’s hand as Tony turns on the music.

 “Right, I need to keep close watch,” Philip says. They walk over to the table and Lukas slips his arm around Philip’s waist, Izzy tugging at his other arm, clearly associating barns with play since last night.

 “You did so good,” Lukas says, getting in line behind Helen’s friend Diane and the dark-haired woman he doesn’t know. “You were amazing, baby.”

 “Yeah right,” Philip says, his cheeks coloring. “Keeping the happy couple from kissing when they want to. If anyone tried that with us you’d probably knock their arm away.”

 “Just keeping the ceremony on track,” Lukas says, laughing.

 They reach the edge of the table and just as Lukas is reaching for two plates Izzy yanks him away, and Philip’s heart nearly jumps out of his throat when he sees her leash slip out from around Lukas’s wrist.

 “Shit!” Lukas yells, watching her disappear through the barn door.

 Philip is all panic, the two of them taking off after her. Philip can vaguely hear Helen yelling his name but he can’t stop, and as soon as they’re out from underneath the shelter of the barn they’re completely soaked. He’s heard about dogs running away before, running and running until they’re goddamn gone and that won’t happen to their dog, no way, no how, absolutely not—

 “Izzy!” Lukas yells. “Izzy, stop!”

 “Hey!” Philip adds. “Stop, girl, stop!”

 Lukas is running faster than him and the ground is so wet that Philip can barely keep his footing, sinking down into every step. He can still see her, rushing, and he has no idea what the hell she’s running for or chasing or if she saw a chicken or some shit in the corner of her vision but he wishes she’d just stop—

 Lukas reaches out and Philip can hardly see, the rain is falling so hard, but he does see Lukas’s tall, imposing form collapse to the ground, right into a particularly muddy patch of grass. Philip can’t stop his feet, he’s going too quick, and he trips over Lukas’s legs and goes down right next to him. He’s about to cry, so terrified Izzy is gone, but when he looks up he sees that Lukas managed to grab onto her leash. She’s sitting there, panting and soaked to the bone, and tip-toes over to where they are and starts licking at their foreheads.

 “Izzy,” Lukas groans. “You—are a bad dog. A very bad dog.”

 Philip looks over at Lukas and sees there’s mud all in his hair. All over his shirt. Caked on his face. Philip looks down at his own body and yeah, same situation. Even worse.

 They’re both covered in mud.

 ~

 Philip can hear Helen’s voice outside the bathroom door, the only other sounds their dripping and Izzy’s panting.

 “Just get in the shower with your clothes on, put the dog in there too, and don’t mess around, just remember there are a bunch of people just a few steps away. And we’d rather have all three of you back at the party. Get clean, put the new clothes on and come back. That’s it!”

 “Okay,” Philip says, smiling up at Lukas. He hears Helen walk down the hallway.

 Lukas sighs to himself. “I can’t believe I let her go,” he says, looking down at Izzy.

 “Don’t blame yourself,” Philip says. “She saw something and she ran. It’s never happened to us before.”

 “Yeah and it should never happen,” Lukas says. “If she tries to run I’m supposed to face smash into the ground in order to hold onto her.”

 “I mean, you got the face smash part right,” Philip says, reaching up and picking some muddy grass out of Lukas’s hair. He pinches his cheek and Lukas sighs, watching him move over and turn on the water.

 “We need to get you obedience lessons,” Lukas says, reaching down and ruffling Izzy’s ears. “Yes we do. You cannot run from daddies. That is not allowed.”

 Philip snorts, feeling the water warm up. “Okay, let’s just—do this,” he says.

 Lukas picks her up, her little body wriggling around as the three of them step into the shower and close the door.

 “This is like prom,” Lukas says, sitting Izzy down on the ceramic. “Except for…non-naked shower. But we’re all wet in our nicer clothes.”

 Philip turns around, his clothes getting more and more soaked with each passing second. “I’d rather it was a naked shower,” he says. He eases Lukas’s head forward until the water runs through his hair, and he works out the grass and the mud best as he can. Izzy looks up at them, confused.

 “We’ll get naked once the mud is off the clothes,” Lukas says. “And we can wash this one and put her outside in the bathroom.” He quickly pulls Philip under the water and starts brushing his shoulders off, smoothing his hand over his butt a lot more than he needs to.

 Philip snorts. “She’d bark at us. You remember that time.”

 “She always barks at us because she’s bad,” Lukas says, picking her up again and holding her between them under the water. She blinks, groaning a little bit. “They still have that dog shampoo from last time?” Lukas asks.

 Philip looks down at the shelf and sees it sitting there. “Yep, just where we left it.”

 “Nice,” Lukas says. He looks at Philip and grins widely, laughing. “We look really stupid,” he says.

 “I think you look sexy,” Philip says, leaning in to press a peck to his lips. “I guess you get one too,” he says to Izzy, kissing the top of her head. “Even though you’re bad.”

 They wash Izzy and Philip gets out of the shower briefly to dry her off, making her a little pile of towels by the door. He strips off his clothes and leaves them in a wet heap outside the shower, lacking the mud they came in with. When he gets back into the shower he sees Lukas is down to his pants, and he helps him out of them, depositing everything outside and closing the door again once they’re both naked.

 Izzy starts barking.

 Lukas grabs Philip by his hips and pulls him in so they’re flush together. “She’s so bad,” he whispers, nipping lightly at Philip’s mouth. “Terrible child.”

 “Of course she is, she’s ours,” Philip says.

 Lukas slides his hands around until they’re pressing against the small of Philip’s back and he kisses him deep, until Philip’s stomach nearly turns in on himself and his knees go weak.

 “We have to get back…” Philip breathes, clinging to Lukas’s shoulders.

 “I was thinking about some things,” Lukas whispers. “In that barn. Before the dog escaped.”

 “Yeah?” Philip asks, his eyelids heavy.

 “Yeah, like where our decorations and lights would go—where we’d actually say our vows…I have so much I wanna say to you…”

 “Not yet,” Philip says, pressing two fingers to Lukas’s mouth.

 “Oh, soon,” Lukas says, kissing Philip’s cheek. “Definitely soon.”

 “Hey!” Helen’s voice yells, and they both jump when she starts banging on the door. “Hurry up in there!”

 Izzy starts barking at her too.

 “Alright,” Lukas whispers, grinning, and he looks so gorgeous with the water clinging to his eyelashes, the little bruise on his forehead from where he fell. Philip grabs his neck and tilts his head down so he can kiss it, letting his lips linger there.

 “I guess we gotta get back to the party,” Philip says. “And the cake.”

 “Lemme just hold you for a second here,” Lukas says, tugging him closer. “Just a second.”

 It’s a familiar line, a familiar action. Lukas always wants to hold him for a second, just a second, like a moment alone with Philip is always necessary before they interact with other people, even if those people are their family. Philip chuckles and nods, wrapping his arms around Lukas’s shoulders. He kisses his neck and closes his eyes, the world narrowing down to the water, their silly dog barking, and Lukas’s arms around him.

[omgnsfwisnsfw-blog]

NSFW #03: Not Like You

“Say hey, EWC Faithful! Welcome to beautiful sunny California! Check it out, we saved so much cash on the way here that we splurged and rented us a beach house!” “And I’m sleeping on the couch.” The camera swiveled around momentarily to focus on a neat little cottage on the beach with a teal paint job and pink trim that boasted one bedroom, one bathroom, a common room, a kitchen, and a back deck (and an adorable, if perhaps slightly overdone, mermaid-based decor theme). A cute little place, really, even if the presence of three people relegated one to the fold-out. Still, a small private stretch of beach was included, and that’s what was arguably the most important part. After lingering a second on the house, the camera swooped back around to focus on NSFW themselves, both smartly clad in swim trunks and NSFW tank tops, sunglasses, and in Bishop’s case, swim floaties. Their noses were coated in Zinka sunscreen, orange and green respectively. There was a sandwich board planted in the sand before them, but it was covered up by a official new, hot for the summer, NSFW beach towel. “I told him he didn’t fuckin’ have to, but he insisted. THAT is the kind of stand-up fuckin’ guy your TV Champion is, Faithful. Eat your hearts out.” “It would be unforward of me considering.” “Yeah I know, but the couch’s a fold out and we TOTALLY coulda… anyway. We ain’t talkin’ bout the ever-lively TV Championship scene today. Today, we are gonna start off by talkin’ a little bit about our beloved Tag Team division in general. And we even made a nice clear visual aid.” Grabbing the towel- only $15.99 plus S&H, order now and get a free pair of NSFW arm floaties AND a set of five fidget spinners!- Mike whipped it off in a dramatic flourish, revealing its bold text to the world. The camera lingered long enough for it to be easily read. Finally pulling back to them, Mike planted the phone onto a tripod and backed up, standing as always at her partner’s right hand side, arms folded and a small smirk on her face. John tapped his fingers on top of the wooden board. “We share this with our colleagues with only the intention of inspiration. But maybe being called to the carpet evokes different king of feeling.” John looked over to Mike with a fond expression as if saying ‘Take it from here.’ “If this pisses you guys off? Good. Maybe it’ll light a goddamn fire under your asses. We said from the moment we came here that we wanna spark a revolution. A fuckin’ Renaissance. Bring this division back from the dead. WORK WITH US, PEOPLE. We want to make this division worth seeing. Shit, we want our tag division to be SO good that we get butts in seats just to see us.” She made a circular gesture, indicating she meant ‘us’ as a collective, the tag division entire, before dropping her hand back to her side and sighing. “Come on, guys. Cooperate.” The TV champ nodded in agreement. “Last week was the epitome of what the tag team division should be. Two teams. Lutter. Kross. Mike and I still think you’re a poor judge of character. But Kross and you showed just how deep your convictions lie. You are professional wrestling through and through, and NSFW was wrong. Let’s bring about this Renaissance together.” Mike grinned widely, bouncing back on the heels of her bare feet slightly. “Y’know, there’s this country song that goes ‘Lovin’ You Is Fun’. Well, Nos, I gotta say thatFightin’ You Is Fun, and I really hope we get to do it again sometime.” “But that was last week. The new Assistant General Manager has a sense of humor seemingly...” His voice trailed off. He seemed lost in thought or he lost what he was about to say. “And...there are no rules this time.” Mike looked up at him, her brow furrowing in mild concern. She didn’t say anything, but her expression was clearly asking if he was alright. “And... our opponents, no strangers to each other are…complicit…” “They’re a couple of crazy fucks, is what they are. I mean, Church, what do you even make of, as that cranky-ass lazy dickhole Bennet would say, these sons-a-bitches? I mean, I’m pretty sure at least one of them is seriously fuckin’ unhinged.” John looked at her again, this time with an expression Mike had actually not seen in months at least in relation to professional wrestling. “They seem nice.” Holding up a finger, Mike walked over to the phone and turned the camera off for the time being, and turning back to their partner, finally gave voice to their concern. “Bud, are you okay? You haven’t said that in ages and you seem kinda… I dunno. Off? Talk to me. Tell me what’s up.” John took off his shades and looked directly at them. “I don’t know what you mean.” Mike took theirs off as well, looking back at him with a bit of a frown, shaking their head. “That ain’t gonna work, Church. I know you too good by now.” John averted his eyes from her gaze. “Well.” “And when’s the last time you corrected my goddamn grammar? Look. Real fucking talk. We’re supposed to trust each other. If there’s a problem I wanna help, you KNOW that. So. Please. If something’s wrong, would you please tell me? We’ll work it out. We can do anything.” Mike comes closer, reaching out and resting a hand on his arm. They were allowed to do this now (a level of mutual comfort they felt more grateful for than they could say) but they knew it’d get him to focus on them. They looked up, dark green eyes almost pleading with him to be open with them. John sighed. “I’m not like you. Mike. I told you that I’d uphold the integrity of this sport by staying in the bounds of the rules. But I’m not David. I’m not Natalie. But it looks good. It looks like I’m taking a stand.” And he shook his head. He struggled to find his words and Mike lightly squeezed his forearm. “But it’s something you don’t say for public consumption. Because it’s like chum in the water. I’m no righteous defender of the sport. I’m...afraid. Afraid of the mindset it takes to go beyond what has been given to me.” John raised brought up hands, palms facing towards him. “That fear makes me a coward. Unable to act. Confirming the criticisms. Getting in your way. Causing you harm. Last time this came up, I watched you stagger about afterwards unable to tell me what state we were in. That was my inaction. My cowardice.” Mike listened. They may have the reputation of a loudmouth, but whenever John spoke, Mike always gave him their full attention, no matter what else they may be doing. They listened until he was finished. Then they wrapped her arms around him, squeezing and staying there a moment before stepping back. “Don’t ever say that. You are not a coward, John, you hear me? You’re… shit. You’re the most fucking noble, upright person I’ve ever met. Anything that happens to me, don’t blame yourself for that. I get myself in a shitton of trouble on my own. So yeah. You’re not like anybody else. So what? I LIKE that you aren’t like me. I like that you’re like you. And if you don’t want to use weapons? You don’t have to. I’m hardcore enough for both of us.” They gave a slightly wavering little ‘heh’, probably to lighten the mood a bit. “Besides. You’ve bent the rules a little before. In Oakland.” He shuffled his feet in the sand. “I don’t remember such a thing.” His tone was coy. So perhaps a good sign. “You did though. You jumped off the top. It was fuckin’ awesome. I’ll show you later but it was totally sweet.” “Just kind of in the moment. Never did that before.” “You should do that kind of thing more often, y’know, if you feel okay with it. Hell, maybe in this match. You don’t gotta break the rules if you don’t want, but maybe you could do stuff like that. Skirt ‘em a little, you know? And leave the fuckin’ screaming murder shit to me.” John nodded, smiling faintly but earnestly. Mike smiled back, glanced toward the camera and, with a gesture of approval on their partner’s part, resumed recording. “Woo! Sorry about the weird cut there, Faithful, minor tech difficulties.” “Actually I forgot my line.” “We have lines?” She snickered, tucking a windblown strand of hair back under her Mets cap. “Anyway. Our competition this week. Young Sinatra and Anthony Grunge. One would be crooner and one guy crazier than a sack full of rabid goddamn ferrets.” “I don’t think this Sinatra sings at all.” “He don’t? Aw, that sucks, I wanted to hear him do ‘AIn’t That A Kick In The Head.’” “He is however another Messiah.” Mike shook her head, tisking in obvious disappointment. “Now, this is a real fuckin’ shame. See, this Young Sinatra guy ain’t unknown to us. He came into our FighterTalk thread and said how big of a fan he was, and I was like, ‘awww, what a sweet kid!’ Then I heard him talk. And holy fucking christ he’s ANOTHER one of these anti-hardcore crusaders with a God complex. Who probably thinks I’m some kind of abomination unto the holy ring or whatever. Listen up, Lil’ Blue Eyes. I don’t go waving this around cuz believe it or not I got an ounce of humbleness in me about it, but do you know who taught me? Harley Fucking Race, the King himself. And if that ain’t pure enough a pedigree to satisfy your uppity fuckin’ sensibilities, I don’t know what is. So I will do whatever the shit I want in this match and if you got somethin’ to say to me about it? Keep your fuckin’ mouth shut or me an’ my Louisville Slugger’ll shut it for you.” Her grin had gained a somewhat rabid quality. John’s mouth was slightly agape at the outburst, but he felt the truth in this words and quickly stepped in line with a reaffirming nod. “That’s… right. Mike and me had hopes for you. Would you believe that David Scott, of all people, enjoys riding Space Mountain? That guy?” Mike blinked and tried (and failed) to say something a few times, obviously trying not to fall over and roll into the Pacific in a fit of laughter. “What? What did I say?” “Nothing! Nothing, keep going, you’re good.” She held a hand up to her face, barely concealing a ‘Woooo!’ John shook his head and continued. “You and me. We share something in common. In the physical sense. We’re on the outside looking in. However, you’re representing that division in an ironic fashion. I assure you that this match will be anything but make-believe. Leave your moralizing at the curtain. You don’t do what you do because you’re taking a grand stance against depravity. You have no real aspirations to make any changes that benefit anyone but yourself. You want to remake the world in your image. Your opposition is not the Madison brothers. It is not any other‘team’ in our division.” John stepped forward and looked directly in the camera as opposed to his normal past the camera gaze.. “You will stand face to face with the constant of the tag team division. Understand this. What you will say and what you will assume of us will be what we’ve heard since day one. You will try to pick us apart. You will try to drive a wedge in our partnership by playing to simple human nature. If you do that: you don’t get us.” “So. With Snooty No Hardcore Guy addressed, let’s move on, shall we? Anthony Grunge. Now here we got a complete opposite dude. No classy classic piano tickling and smooth crooning here, now we got a raw, smashmouth, in your face cat from right here in L.A., so he’s gonna have a nice hometown advantage going on. Which is very cool. Problem is, like I noted before… this guy is absolutely fucking nuts.” “That unpredictability has perhaps brought him unpredictable results. It would be arrogant of us to be so dismissive of a man who’s proclivities lead him to have discussions with a cactus. This man gives everything no matter the circumstances and I know that he will not be intimidated to the ones he has been given here. Mike. Two months ago we stood before Collateral Damage, an unknown entity, and in their hearts they knew that a team with no experience would never have a chance against them. We cannot make the same mistake that they did.” Mike nodded. She knew better as well. “You’re good, Grunge. And you KNOW you’re good. You showed everybody just how good you fucking were, us included. And y’know what? You may be a crazy SOB, but nobody ever called me the picture’a sanity neither. I like the cut of your jib, dude. You proved to a stuck up purist like Sinatra that you can do it traditional, but now? You’re gonna be in the ring with ME. And I wanna see what you got. Turn up the crazy and bring it hard, cuz I’ve wanted to face someone like you since I fuckin’ got here.” John stood back beside his partner and for a second appearance in a row, he wrapped his arm around Mike’s shoulders. “But despite the non-standard rules of this match, two men who are ideologically opposed will be forced to work together against one team. We are not the tag team champions. We have defeated the tag team champions. And we are not the number one contenders but we don’t haphazardly cost each other matches either.” “They ain’t just ‘ideologically opposed’, bud. They outright fuckin’ HATE each other. And that? That above everything else, the skill and the snootiness and the hardcore and the crazy, is what’s gonna get us the win here. Cuz Church and me? We love each other. We’ve gone up and down the road, done everything together, we train together all the time. We know each other in an’ out, back an’ frontways. Our sync is perfect. I bet he even knows what I’m thinking right now.” She made a show of putting on a ‘hard thinking’ expression. “No electric toothbrush.” “If all goes well, partner. If all goes well.” Mike looked up at the cottage, perhaps at someone just visible through the window, and grins slyly. “So. Grunge, Sinatra, we will see you on Monday. If you don’t kill each other first. As for us? We’ve worked our butts off and now it’s time for some play. Cuz what’s the point of coming all the way to the beach and Not Surfing the Fucking Waves?” Beaming, she yanked a pair of boogie boards out of the sand, handing her partner one. There’s also a third, but it stays put. Waving, she strode over to the phone and ended the recording. Soon as the stuff from their promo was stashed away- the tripod, the sandwich board, the excess of self-branded merch- NSFW was joined by the third person sharing their little beachside cottage for their two weeks in California. Mike found it happily ironic. They had left her at her house on one end of the country only to join her on the other side. It was like a rainbow with a pot of gold at both ends. As the Southern Belle stepped out onto the deck and joined her friends on the sand, Mike couldn’t help but give her an appreciative look over- she looked damn good in a bikini and, as with her ring gear, coral was absolutely Natalie’s color. But she didn’t spend too long ogling: whipping off her tank top to reveal a flesh tone swim top underneath, she grabbed her board and, hollering for her friends to follow, ran into the sea full tilt. It’d been far too long since either Mike or John had seen the ocean, and they were reveling in it. It was Natalie that came back to shore first, dropping her boogie board onto the sand before taking a seat on it. A couple weeks of recovery time had done wonders for her condition, the bruises along her ribs and backs mostly gone. She was still healing, though, and the combination of salt water and sun on her skin felt like it was helping matters. Or maybe that was just the company talking. A short time passed before she’s joined by Mike, who plops her board next to Natalie’s and sits down as well, a smile on her face. The constant breeze smelled fresh and salty, and the sun was beginning to come down, glittering on the ocean. “I’m so freakin’ glad you came, Miss Natalie. You… heh. You look a lot better. Not that you looked bad before or nothin’! Just, y’know. Less banged up. Like you feel better.” Knocking her wet bangs out of her face, she looked over to the other woman with as sweet a smile as the rough brawler could possibly manage. Returning that smile, the blond nodded. “I do feel better, thanks. Don’t tell him I said so, but Mister Morgan was right in that I needed to take it easy for a couple of weeks.” That smile turned into a playful sort of grin as Natalie leaned over, nudging Mike’s shoulder with her own. A third boogie board plopped itself beside them. John, soaking wet, disheveled, and short of breath, plopped down as well. “I don’t think I’ll be doing that again.” “Aw, really? I could do that all day. I feel like a mermaid. A badass mermaid with a freakin’ shark tail and awesome tattoos. I’d ask if we could move here if I didn’t like our house so much. And if it wouldn’t put us clear on the other side of the country from you, Miss Nat.” She laughed, curling her toes in the sand. The ocean was starting to take on the pink and orange hues of the sky. “And when he says ‘take it easy’, does he mean, like, no strenuous activity? At all? None?” That smile was getting awfully cheeky… though at least this time, the blond was prepared to fire back. “If he did, do you think I would’ve packed my swimsuit?” “Mmm, point. A’course, if you’re allowed to go swimming and boarding…” That smile only got more coy. John looked past Mike in the middle and right at Natalie. “I don’t think that’s the kind of strenuous activity that they are talking about.” “Well clearly--wait. ‘They’?” Leaning forward a little, the Southern Belle looked at both members of NSFW with a brow raised. “Forgive me, but I’m a little confused. Why did you call Mike ‘they’?” His reply was direct. “Because that is who Mike is, Natalie.” Mike, for her part, froze. Her grip dug into the sides of her board, leaving impressions in the foam. Her heart started pounding, and the pleasantly warm evening suddenly felt ice cold.Oh god. Please don’t let it happen again. I couldn’t handle it if it did. Don’t freak out. Please don’t freak out… “I… understand, I think.” Leaning over, Natalie’s head rested on Mike’s shoulder, a sandy arm looping around the small of their back before she continued. “I mean, if you’ve got your preferences that’s fine… and I’ll do my best to use them. But it doesn’t really matter to me, y’know? So long as you’re you, Mike.” “R...really? You don’t think it’s weird? I mean nobody knows but… but John. I’m. I’m not really a girl, b-but I’m not a guy a’neither…” “You’re Mike.” “And really, wanting to be called ‘they’ is normal compared to the one guy I used to wrestle with that insisted that he was really a giant albino lizard like Godzilla, or the Cult of Yorlik… or, well, most of my time in Hardkore World.” There was a quiet pause for just a moment. And then, Mike laughed. It was not only a response to hearing something funny, but a sound of pure relief. They lean their cheek against Natalie’s wet hair, arm curling around her back in turn. However, their other hand reaches in the other direction, wrapping around her partner’s wrist. The closest they could get to holding his hand. “Hey. Just so you know? You guys are the fucking best.”

[violetsystems]

#personal

I met up with my mom at the train yesterday and hung out for her birthday in my neighborhood for Day of the Dead.  She turned 69 and has been letting her hair grow out white.  She looks very pretty these days and seemed really happy to be taking pictures of the parade with her kindle.  I grew up dancing with her to old disco records and sometimes I can tell you it was torture.  I literally had to learn dance steps over and over by rote so she could practice for dancing in the club with my dad.  There was some famous song in Spanish that was not Despacito playing from a open trunk in the procession.  She would bounce around every once and awhile.  I remember she was really into this band when we all visited Jamaica together when I was twelve.  I was less than enthused back then.  Now it’s nice to see everything just kind of fit in place in the open here.  Like I’m not hiding some dark secret somewhere.  I never was.  People just like to talk shit about people like they have nothing better to do.  I go out and shop for groceries like anybody else.  I ran into Beau Wanzer in the supermercado.  We talked about how we played Vancouver together awhile back.  I hung out in Richmond.  I told him I felt Richmond was the closest I could get to China legally and that I really loved China.  That’s no lie.  I was in the elevator the other day and somebody was talking about socialism.  I just outright said I was communist.  Maybe it was the other way around.  Either way it was in context of knowing the drill sometimes.  I often like to quote the Joker when he says we live in a society.  I actually don’t know if the joker said that or if it was a meme.  After a run this week I passed by some asshole reciting lines as the Joker in some monologue on the street at seven am.  Insult to injury, he went on to explain that he was not the Joker.  The nerve of that asshole.  Chicago is free enough to do that I guess.  But I live in a community.  And the many onion layers of those communities that trust me enough to be myself have their own expectations of me.  Some of them are realistic.  Some of them cross the line.  Some of them I stomach because nobody is resisting.  But privacy is something I’ve always held the line with.  Because the grim truth is the only person who knows what’s going on with me most of the time is me.  And sometimes even then I have no clue.  How is that even safe?  For me it generally isn’t in some situations and I have no choice but to act accordingly to make it so.  And for me it’s to not react and walk away.  Everybody wants to get a reaction out of you these days for sure.  The truth is you get a reaction from me.  Almost every week.  

For some people closest to my heart, you get a reaction from me instantly.  And for some people who don’t even care enough to understand I’m a human being, you get nothing but static.  To quote a fading undercover shirt I bought in Tokyo years ago at this point “We like noise. It’s our choice.”  How that static or noise is created for myself the last few years has been through street wear.  I’ve lived to see enough iterations of it and amassed quite a large collection of Japanese centric pieces.  I wear them out.  Literally.  Until they crack, lose their context, fall out of fashion and back into it again.  Undercover is one of the worst and cruelest jokes for me.  I often reference that Daul Kim was the first person to call out Jun for lack of casting diversity.  Everybody knows I care very deeply about Daul from a sociopolitical and feminist perspective.  She is still a strong voice thanks to the internet and places like this.  Years ago I saw somebody I admired and was inspired by that ended her life too soon.  Always fighting something.  Always feeling alone in the process.  That to me was a sign of resistance that I did not understand.  I used her as an anchor to understand Korea in a very different way.  It led me on my travels to meet people and hear their suggestions of what I should pay attention to.  It was a long and often arduous journey.  Starting in the basement of the comfort women museum in Seoul and ending somewhere lost in a Day of the Dead parade with very little changing.  The statements are always there.  Maybe the person saying them changes a bit.  But people still don’t listen.  They still don’t want to believe.  They still don’t want to let you speak for yourself.  Because it contradicts things and brings up the delicate balance between exploitation and making an artistic statement about the real problem.  It all follows me around like a ghost sometimes.  Like I’m a curry stained container that took a joke way too far.  Or maybe I’m just a very genuine and focused person that has been abused day in and day out for a series of months.  Years maybe.  Just like some of the women I most admire and am inspired by to be something better for myself.  Better for them.  Better for everyone.  But definitely not a victim.  I’m not really a victim anymore.  To tell the truth I don’t think anybody really knows what I am anymore.  My mom said my apartment was starting to look like a real adult lived there.  She then proceeded to point out exactly how many magic cards I had collected since we last spoke.  I told her I needed to amass a strong army to fight the coming darkness.  Which makes me sound like some type of legendary Warlock from the Underworld growing vines in my kitchen to protect what I hold dear.

It’s not satire or performance anymore that I do actually care.  It’s also not a far stretch to understand that not too many people are capable of caring about me.  Circumstances being as extraordinary as they are and the powers I resist seamlessly day to day without much of a yawn I also don’t see myself caving in or stopping anytime soon.  That’s the grim reality people start to see when the cold creeps in.  That I’ve survived so many winters alone at this point that I’ve become the living embodiment of Kurt Russell in the Thing.  This apartment filled with plants is my sole outpost.  I’ve really been happy focusing on stuff I planted years ago now indoors.  I get to see the cycle up close and personal in my kitchen with the occasional house centipede challenging my view.  I can get anywhere in the city by train in a moment’s notice.  I took the train home the other day to drop off the rent.  I ran into the same people on the way back.  Sometimes that’s fate.  Sometimes that’s fucked up.  Either way this is Chicago.  I live in America.  I keep myself free.  I stay accountable and apparently sometimes people like to feel what it’s like to be around it in public.  So much so that I don’t know that I feel all that out of place flying to New York on a Saturday and visiting all the places I haven’t been to in ages.  Then fly back home on a Sunday evening and head back to work on a Monday like nothing ever happened.  Maybe even Monday morning.  I’ve done it before.  A couple of times.  And I still have thirty six vacation days left that I have no idea how or where to spend until next July.  If I can just survive whatever alien invasion exists just out of reach.  Where you don’t know who is friend or foe.  I don’t know that I actually care too much these days.  It’s easy enough to tell in my dash.  I don’t have a lot of existential dread other than what gets reflected here.  People seem to not mind too terribly.  I wake up every day and do it over again.  I still think just as much if not more about you.   I know it’s all sort of obtuse.  All I know is being consistent has patterns to it much like visions.  Wherever my mood has been trending all the winter is going to do is amplify the warmth of it.  I’ll spend most of it watching things grow in the window of my kitchen.  I’ll also spend a good portion of it in my down fit nike jacket from Switzerland.  All wrapped up like a present.  Air tight and solid as fuck.  <3 Tim

[beautifullybrokensblog-blog]

Life Imatating art. Im a warrior. Dont get it wrong i have survived, but im not a survivor IM A WARRIOR!

#evenMorriganwascrushbylove, #homewreckerthisallyou #owie

  Are you proud of Who You Are. Do you like Who You Are. I don’t know how you could! I couldn’t like somebody  who purposely hurts children and ruins their homes. I couldn’t like someone who would knowingly cause pain 4 no reason other then she had a ache in her crotch. Did it make you feel accomplished or strong, 2 get your hands on my husband. Real strength is in doing what’s right. Strong women get their own man,  not act like sneaky whoring holes that cant understand right from wrong. How do you sleep at night I ask because my children can’t they keep having nightmares about a divorce or if I leave.   You took their security way.  Shame on you curse you they dont deserve someone like you taking there home and family from them on a whim, how alful. You put them through this only because you want to see if you could, just some game to you, a challenge but its nothing, you dont even really cared about anyone. you have destroyed seven people my family is shattered your affair with my husband has stripped my home of joy so I asked you are you proud? it doesn’t seem right that you get to smile well my adult children worry about a mother that seems empty anymore they watch me fight for so long just to live now i wish i hadnt.  Why did you walk in and take what little bit of joy and hope and happiness I had. Take the pride of family and make it a joke. You took form him to my husband, he lost the respect, lost the trust of his children wife nieghbors church.  You stole from the children the sleep and carefree youth,   the younger two keep having nightmares since this happened they’re afraid if I leave or we get divorced what will happen to them,they  remember what it was like before me and they know what it’s been like   up until now the short lived happiness of family and wholeness and none of us are sure we can do that anymore and here’s a really screwed-up thing if you cared about him you would have thought about these things you would have thought about the fact that if I don’t pay the rent and I’m not here if I leave my husband he will lose this house because he cannot even afford the rent on his income  muchless add electrinity Child Care  food xcetera.   I on the other hand would be just fine my monthly annuity would go up by $450 my medical would be reinstated at full free and I have family here now. I am heartbroken I truly have lost everything I love my family but you don’t care about that you just wanted to get laid. I want you to fully understand the situation you caused the selfishness of your actions I hope someday that you feel the anguish of having to go on while  simultaneously know that the happiness  the joy and the trust, everything you believed has dissolved just suddenly gone. because some girl walked into your life ripped your family like you did mine. I hope that you have to hit your knees like I do and that you pray you wont wake up the next morning  because these nothing worth the pain you gonna feel.  and I hope you feel the crushing despair of waking up the next morning and knowing you’re still there and the situation still exist and then the other woman still exist but she’s smiling and you’ve got  no smiles only uncertainty there is no choices left really, cant leave without children lossing everything, dont want stay anymore because now there is nothing to stay for. And you cant just get over it and forgive because you nolonger have a heart to forgive with.  I hope you have to come to a decision for sake of the children because without you they won’t have a home they won’t have their care because you’re the only mother they’ve ever had and see it’s a little different than other children because these kids have already gone through being abandoned these kids have already been shipped from foster home to foster home.  and while your head spins and you can’t think straight and all you hear is your own silent screaming inside. you have to paste on a smile and you have to do day-to-day life and you have to see doctors and therapist and help your children and you have to pretend everything’s okay even though you’re dead inside. The love you felt is fire that only burns you tourtures you.  they emptiness were your faith in love and husband were  is now dark cold ugly  impossising and swallows all hope all of  you like black whole devoring your soul .And the pain spreads he looses frieds and his family, then three verry good people who called him dad nolonger can look at him with out shame and anger. we are all stuck in a Time Loop of endless imploding doom what gives you the right to be so flippent with other people lives and well being.  You devastated me in a way ( I have to give you credit because you did to me but cancer couldn’t, being raped couldn’t, losing family couldn’t) your actions brought me to my knees your actions have taken form my kids their sense of values our sense of family their belief in wedding vows loyalty and honesty. you ruined the respect for their father and you’ve left them wondering if relationships never work. If anybody is ever faithful because I mean Dad couldn’t do it,  oh but I did and there witnessed to what i got for it.   All I can do is think about the whole situation over and over and there is no going backwards no matter what I do there’s no fixing it it’s just too smashed up. One of the things I thought of since my husband wasn’t exactly faithful honest or trustworthy wasn’t exactly respectful of our marriage. Maybe he wasn’t completely honest with you either about me. So I introduce myself I am the woman the wife the mother you so casually took all hope from. the ones whose foundest memories are now only painful I am his wife we have been for 8 years you probably don’t know. But when I met him he had nowhere to live is children were in foster care and about to be adopted out his oldest son had already been adopted . He was struggling to get sober, he had court issues and fines and a record. but I fell in love so I gave him a place to live with me and my children in my home and I filed all the paperwork with the courts to get his kids back I took him to all of his DUI classes & parenting classes, anger management things that he had to do for the courts. I took him for his drug testing I got him his Sr 29 I paid for his alcohol classes and I made sure that he was able to go through with every hoop CPS through at him. and then together we went back to court with CPS and we got custody now something you should know is his little daughter Mia and Andrew had been in the foster care system being bounced around for almost 1&½ yrs at that point they were only 33mo and six when I brought them home.  It was hard those first 6 years I was the sole provider. So he could do all the things that the courts and CPS wanted him to do. Then there was his criminal history he was unable to get a job so I got all the paperwork and I wrote his dissertation for his judge and I got a lawyer to stand in court with him so he had an opportunity actually talk to the judge and I expunged his record. now he has been working for just over a year. And this last month March was the first month in 8 years that my husband’s pay any rent we split it.  he has contributed to electric bill twice in 8 years. so you see I keep the roof over our heads and his children I keep the power on I get them to school I take them to doctors to therapy I do the all the homework I clean the whole house, he doesn’t do housework at least never has I do the laundry I watch the children this is my day. I get up at 5:30 I have half hour to make coffee take a shower and come to life before I wake up the kids they get on a school bus at 6:30 then I clean the house I start whatever laundry check to see what bills need to be paid or what appointments need to be kept and then my husband rolls out of bed at 10 I drop him off at work we leave here at 11:30 I get back home at 12:30 I now have two hours to clean other people’s toilets to subsidize our income so I can put food on the table because at 2:30 somebody has to be here to get Andrew off the bus because if you don’t know Andrew is physically and mentally disabled and he requires 24/7 care it does not go to regular school he’s in a day program Mia gets home at 4:30 usually I’ve gotten Andrews homework done by then I know it’s time to Mia. Next I have to make dinner so it can be served at 6:30 cuz one of the things with Andrew is autism and he has to have a schedule thats consistent or it throws him into episode he also has ADHD and oppositional Defiance disorder which means that any day the school can call me to come pick him up because he’s not getting along. if im not here what happens to them.  I can make it with out him I do have my annuity from the cancer.  A long fought lawsuit after years ago the government put a magnesium plant at the bottom of the hill we lived on. my mother, father, three Sisters two brothers and my grandmother have all died from cancer I am sole Survivor after 12 surgerys so I get paid every month a breakup of award from the lawsuit that’s what Shawn lives off my misfortunes. I have to stay up and get him after work, and am expected to have time together while he unwinds after work im lucky if i get more than 4 hrs a sleep a day. I havent had a day with out his kids in yrs.  I was home with his kids, paying his way, loosing my medical care while him and his kid get free medical through state, because the kids are not my bio.  so i nolonger have depents and his income is held against me but i get no bennifits or bills paid from him no it gose to his games and nights out with friends, and fucking around with you. You two get drunk and go dancing at the bar, and full around in front of all my nieghbors.  He gets pulled over and gose to jail for dui and i get all your fucked off inappropriate sex text to him.  So for all my doing “the right thing” for being his rock and wife in every sense possible.  Along comes you and 1000’s of dollars in fines and court fees and impound fees. As it is he only sees his kids while they are awke for 8 hrs wk after school on Thursday and Friday. The rest of the time hes asleep when there leaving for school and they’re already asleep when he gets home.  But you two can go out on the town?  I have only been out with my husband with out his kids 3 x in 6 yrs.  How dare you how dare both of you.  That is some shady shit, you two did to this family so dirty AND YOU HAD NO RIGHT OR REASON TOO. If there is any justice in this world i hope it finds you. I hope you get a taste of my life. I hope you get cancer, i hope you get so sick and your teath fall out from it the chemo and the puking. I home the treatment robes your bones of strenght and you get degenerate disc disease and loose use of different extremities all the time with no warning,. and you get to feel the pain of neuropathy from having a stroke. Be cause your so physically over extended and exhausted from doing it all for your family.  And I hope you fall madley deeply in love with some that you would do everything for them and you get to be a mom but to kid that are his not yours and then i hope someone like you comes along and and suduces your husband and it ruins everything and you have to hold those kids why they cry and beg you make it work cause there scared to death of the life had before you, and everyone including that other woman knows, if you go thats exactly were they will be.  So you really cant do any thing but struggle to breath and cry and hurt in ways no one ever should.  And i want you know i mean really understand what a selfish awful person you are. i want you to beg for death like i do because of you.  The only difference between us then will be you will have deserved it.

Amy cannday and your little check out friend now the world knows what you are