#this is a lot to put oneself through just to meet the guy you hope is the one!!

[rainymoodlet]

Kiss Me in Komorebi+ 🌸

[ Settling In… ]

For more context as to what Dan and Eoin are speaking about here, check out Kay’s amazing application for our beloved rockstar.

I also love that these poses apparently reveal the base mesh of Dan’s suit jacket being a regular shirt, fhdhfj

Part 6.c of 6 🌹

@foxsimthings

[aobakukkii]

✬Bokuto Relationship Headcanons✬

Bokuto x Gender Neutral Reader

(+small male reader bonus part at the end because the guys deserve it)

✬

Just really fluffy stuff for you and best boy

✬✬✬✬✬✬✬✬✬✬✬✬✬✬✬✬✬✬✬✬✬✬

- Having someone like Bokuto as your partner will be an incredibly rewarding experience, if you are willing to adapt to his antics. He actively seeks out fun, excitement and chances to grow and expects you to be his personal portable power bank on his journey. For him, one must always try to become the most ideal version of oneself and this also involves moving someone out of their comfort zone because boy does not like feeling restrained. He picks up cues on how to handle people extremely well and makes sure that both of you feel happy and secure on your path. Most of the time Bokuto radiates positive energy and hype, so his s/o really does not have to worry and just put faith into his skills.

- Bokuto likes to express his feelings through physical affection. He is awfully touchy with people he is close with and his s/o gets to feel it double. Bokuto is build for the greatest of cuddles and hugs and he just finds it so easy and convenient to hold his s/o close or touch any given part of their body throughout the day to say “I love you and I deeply care about you”, although his s/o could always ask him to say it out loud and he would shower them with sweet-nothings and compliments.

In return, he wants his s/o to accept his affection, return it in their way and finally their attention. He’s not per se the most jealous person (only to a certain extent) and completely understand that sometimes people need their alone time, but he’s self-absorbed to a degree that he wants and needs to be the center of your love and attention at least a little bit everyday. Otherwise he can become really whiny. To stop him just do something (in his eyes) really cute and everything is forgiven.

- One word that Bokuto does not know of is shame. He wants to show off and attention and this has an impact on how he displays PDA when you don’t stop him. He prides himself a lot on having the best s/o ever and sadly won’t accept nothing as an option because he can’t help himself. He is fine with keeping it on a low level like holding hands, leaning onto each other or throwing his arm around your shoulder, but if you let him go as he pleases him he may just make you sit on his lap or pick you up and spin you around once you guys meet.

- Contrary to what some might think, Bokuto does appreciates relaxed dates to recharge. The most common quality time with him is chilling at one of your places after work/university/school and just play video games or binge shows. However daily responsibilities won’t stop him from dragging you out at night for some “late-night adventures” like getting some food and/or taking a walk and talking about random stuff while appreciating the privacy and beauty of the dark so hopefully you’re into that as well.

He regularly checks for new or popular spots in and around town for you guys to visit on your days off. A popular restaurant, local sightseeing spots, an interesting exhibition, any amusement park (probably his favorite date spot) or some escape room, he wants to see them all. He also really loves to travel to near and far with you and take cheesy, but cute, couple selfies. However his schedule sadly limits his abilities to do so often besides local stuff and short trips.

- When you guys are apart, especially for a longer period of time, he quite literally trashes your phone with the amount of notifications and videos he sends you throughout the day. He begs you to install Snapchat (if you don’t already have it) and vlogs you his training, things you might find interesting and bad jokes in hopes of making you smile. Speaking of bad jokes, expect a lot of memes for another cheap laugh. If you’re somewhat responsible you should not produce content at a similar rate (you both need to get something done after all), but as long as you reply ever so often you make his day.

- In a relationship with Bokuto, you will receive a lot of support but also have to give a lot of support. He feels like it’s his responsibility to bring you back up and make you feel special and that’s exactly what he needs in return. He is without a doubt resilient and some kisses, hugs and compliments can get him back on track most of the time, but he couldn’t handle if the person he trusts the most does not have his back or rejects him when he needs them.

Nevertheless, his style of love involves a lot of spoiling his s/o rotten and if he gets spoiled in return, you should be well prepared for possible hardships.

- Have I mentioned that he is perfect if you take care of him? He won’t have a problem with including you in his friend-circle (his teammates and you have a lot of passive contact through his vlogs anyway) or inserting himself into yours. He’s ready to indulge in interests you might have as long as he can spend some time with you. It’s pretty easy to get him hooked onto something as long as you love it.

- It’s really important for him that try to cheer him on during his games and that you are active enough to play at least a bit of volleyball with him (not like you could keep up with him otherwise). He’s a patient teacher, but you will probably learn the most about being a setter for countless demonstrations of his straights. If you already play volleyball at any level really, he’s even more satisfied. The experience of playing with you is one of the biggest confidence boosts he can get for his games and he's determined to use the techniques he showed you to win! Another big boost is to wear his merch or even better his spare training clothes (or option 3: both) when you attend the games in person. Show others that you're his #1 fan!

✬

Fanboy BONUS~

Warning: Suggestive, but nothing graphic

- If you guys speak English (don’t worry, he passed his English exams), expect him to use surprisingly creative yet lame bro pick-up lines. You just know that he practices those with Kuroo.

- Remember the show off part? With a boyfriend he adds an “own the haters” attitude on top of it. When gushing about you, he can’t stop saying how HIS BOYFRIEND is the most fantastic thing in existence.  He’s maybe a bit overbearing sometimes, but his motivation is just so pure that barely anyone minds.

- He’s a top, deal with it. You can learn it the easy or the hard way, but he will assert it in your relationship in any way he wants.

[plant-flwrs]

christmas parties // draco malfoy

masterlist!

a/n: my christmas draco fic! i hope you guys like it! next up is george and then i have some wintery fic ideas for harry, ron, and hermione, among others ;) that should be out fairly soon if this motivation stays with me!! i’m honestly just happy to have some ideas back in me and to be able to post for you guys again <3 

(also, female implied reader in this one)

summary: You help Draco through his nerves about one of his parents’ Christmas parties.

(2.3k)

--------

There were some benefits of being a wealthy pureblood. For obvious reasons, but the only one you cared about was Draco Malfoy. 

Growing up with secret societies and odd loyalties sent you into a world of mistrust and anxiety. You never knew what was right and what was wrong, and you certainly knew you couldn’t always trust adults. 

The children you grew up with in this world were never one to share their secrets or trust, you included, but you lucked out. You met Draco Malfoy.

Once Draco realized he couldn’t treat you the way he treated others, he was at a loss with what to do with all the love he felt for you. He had never had someone so loving in his life, and he wanted to do anything he could to show you he loved you just as much. So, he opened himself up to you.

You saw it happening slowly over time. The moments he would confidently take your hand in the hall, the small amounts of public affection he found himself doing, the kindness he afforded others. You had changed him.

You had changed him into the person who could look at you with glassy eyes, clutching a tie in his hands with white knuckles, pleading you to attend his parents’ Christmas Ball with him.

You had been invited, your family had been invited. But what Draco wanted from you was something else. He wanted you on his arm. He wanted you to not leave his side. He wanted you to protect him. You swelled.

At some point, he had stumbled over to his bed, much too large for five people, let alone one teenage boy, and hung his head. His white hair fell over his forehead, blocking most of his face from you. The tie he held tightly just a moment ago was now falling from his limp hands. 

You moved over to him, crouching so you could see his face beneath his overgrown hair-no doubt his mother would want it cut soon- and placed your hands on his knees gently.

“I know it’s a lot to ask-” 

“No, no it’s not- of course I’ll go with you.”

Draco’s eyes finally met yours, and the moisture in them had trailed down his cheeks. Draco didn’t cry when he was angry or sad, he only cried when he was debilitatingly anxious. You lifted your warm palms to his cold and wet cheeks, letting your hands soothe away his tears.

He leaned down slowly as if he was afraid you were going to move away and fell into your shoulder. His head turned so his face was pressed against your neck and you could feel his breathing slow and his heart calm.

“It’s in a few hours,” he said, meeting your eye with a guilty expression, “I could ask mother to send for a dress back home, or if you’d like I’m sure she would have something you could wear.”

“Whatever you think is best,” you said soothingly, hoping he wouldn’t get worked up again about a detail as small as your dress.

Draco had decided to ask his mother for something for you to wear, which you were silently grateful for. Narcissa always liked you, and you always thought she had the most beautiful dresses. 

“Do you like blue, dear?” she asked you as you followed her into one of the many rooms in their house, one that seemed to be her closet.

“Yes,” you answered politely, finding yourself wanting to please her like any other child in your situation would. She was your boyfriend’s mother, but she was also a very prominent member of a very notorious family. She had standing in society with a husband who provoked fear in many, but her signature Black family eyes lingered on you as if she didn’t care about any of that. She looked happy.

“Ah,” she plucked a silky and fluid dress from a rack full of expensive dresses, handing it to you as if it were something as simple as a t-shirt, “this is the one.”

“Thank you,” you said, looking between her and the dress with wide eyes.

“Don’t tell Draco this,” she mock-whispered to you, leaning in with a smirk threatening her tight lips, “I had hoped he would ask you to this Ball. I bought that dress for him to give to you.”

Your eyes somehow widened and you closed your mouth when you realized your jaw had dropped. You swallowed heavily, trying to remember the years of wealth and poise that had been trained into your blood since you were born.

“That is-” you faltered, wanting to give in and throw your arms around her neck and wish her a merry Christmas, “-that’s incredibly kind. Thank you.”

You hoped your loosened smile showed her your true feelings, and she looked as though it had. She ducked her head for a moment, as if she was being watched and needed to compose herself, and gave you a wide smile. Her teeth were showing, and your eyes widened at the foreign look of happiness on her face. She was back to a tightlipped smile though, leaving you alone in the room and closing the door so you could get dressed. 

You folded your clothes, replacing them with the dress that must have been the most expensive thing you had ever worn. You were no stranger to wealth, but this was an entirely new sensation; you felt royal.

A house elf collected you, and once it opened the door, you heard the party in full swing. Draco waited at the top of the stairs, his back stiff and his jaw set. He had his finest robes on, making the already lavish robes he had worn when he took you to the Yule Ball look like nothing. Granted, you were also wearing something that couldn’t even compare to your Yule Ball dress. 

The elf left you once you met Draco, his eyes finding yours with a familiar urgency. He was still nervous. You smiled kindly as the elf continued down the hallway, knowing Draco wouldn’t say a word until you were both alone. The elf turned the corner, and Draco put his hands on your hips as if he was steadying himself. You put your hands over his, reminding him he was steady.

“You look-” Draco seemed to relax for a moment, taking a step towards you and making careful notion to not step on the dress, “-you look amazing. Truly, you look beautiful.”

You knew Draco had more he wanted to say, but couldn’t. You smiled softly at him, lifting one of your hands to fall on the collar of his robes. You straightened it gently, biting your bottom lip. 

“You look very handsome,” Draco flushed at your soft voice, his head falling foreword in a relieved laugh that sounded like a puff of air forcing itself from his lungs.

“Yeah?” he looked up at you, bringing his hands from your waist to the back of your neck.

His cold hands splayed across your neck, tucking under your hair and pressing into the back of your scalp. You gasped at the feeling, leaning closer to Draco. Your lips were closer, less than inches apart.

“Yeah,” you sighed, realizing Draco was closing the distance.

It was brief, like Draco only needed to remember you were real and not something he had made up, but it still made your head spin. You broke apart, the air between you warmer than the rest of the house.

Descending down the stairs, you straightened your back and stiffened all the right parts of yourself, knowing exactly how to survive one of these parties. The more Draco softened to you, it seemed he softened to the rest of the world. You were able to put up your mask around these people, but easily slid it off when needed. Draco didn’t have the same flexibility yet. So, you helped him. You adorned your tight-lipped smile and unnerving eyes, giving cold looks to strangers and intimidating looks to people you knew. It was how these people worked. You hated it, but you had to admit you were one of them.

You were on Draco’s arm the whole night, though sometimes it felt he was on yours. You took the hard questions about school, the sneers at the mention of Dumbledore and any other house besides Slytherin. You talked politics in a way that would be approved of and didn’t cast a second glance at the house elves serving food and drinks. You could tell Draco was itching to whisper them a ‘thank you’; it warmed your heart dangerously.

Eventually, Narcissa and Lucius found you both, as if they were checking that you and Draco were staying in your place.

“Draco,” Lucius sneered, though his lip relaxed when his eyes glanced over at you. “Y/n,” he said coldly.

Lucius had yet to fully approve of you, and you could tell you confused him. He saw you at social functions and knew you were just like any other pureblood, just as cruel, but he also saw your effect on his son. Draco avoided his gaze, his eyes cast downwards at your linked arms. You jostled him subtly, unnoticed by his parents, like a reminder you were still there. 

“Hello, Mr. Malfoy,” you said sweetly with the same cold eyes, no sign of warmth or happiness that would usually be there.

“Are you two having fun?” Narcissa asked, leaning forward to the both of you.

The question was unexpected, making Lucius and Draco look at her in surprise. Her eyes stayed on you though, the corners of her lips turned up in the slightest.

“I think we are, yes,” you said, looking at Draco with a small smile.

“We are,” Draco agreed, his tone dull but his eyes bright as he looked back at you. 

“I hope you’re mingling. It’s rude to stay to oneself at a party,” Lucius said calmly with a threatening tone, an eyebrow quirked as if he awaited his son’s smile to drop.

It didn’t, and he looked his father in the eyes, “We are, mingling, I mean.” Draco said confidently.

You noticed Narcissa’s smile grow the smallest bit. You wondered then how similar you were to her. Perhaps she had the same warmth you did, underneath the pureblood exterior. Maybe Draco was more willing to your warmth than Lucius seemed to be to hers.

“Good,” Lucius mumbled, walking away with his staff by his side.

“You two can sneak away early if you’d like. I know how boring these parties can get,” Narcissa whispered to you, ignoring her son’s rapidly softening face. 

You only smiled knowingly at her, hoping once again it communicated all that you couldn’t say at a party like this. She nodded and walked away, following her husband.

“That was-” you turned to Draco, smiling wider at his incredibly relaxed face, “-that wasn’t bad.”

Draco gave you a curt nod as if he hadn’t wanted to say much about it. You squeezed his arm comfortingly, pulling him along to another group of people to mingle with. 

Eventually, Draco’s mother’s words seemed to sink into him. He was pulling you away from the crowd, and you could see him trying to hide a wide grin. 

He lead you to the large French doors that gave way to the garden, not hesitating as he pushed them open. The cold winter was harsh against your exposed skin, and Draco looked worried when he heard you wince. He smiled again though, upon seeing your clutching at your arms, and slid his coat from his shoulders. He wrapped you in it, which you accepted gratefully, and looked admiringly at him in the white billowy shirt he wore underneath. 

His pale skin was bright under the moonlight, making his hair seem even more silver than blonde. His shirt complimented his skin too, bringing out the olive undertones. He wrapped an arm around your waist, bringing you closer to him. For once, he oozed warmth and you latched onto it, curling into his side as he walked you out into the garden.

You stopped at the center of it all, where a large Christmas tree had been planted. It was decorated with tinsel and ribbons and large glass ornaments. The colors varied from silver to green and black, a true Slytherin tree. You smiled at it, admiring the colors and swelling with house pride.

“Thank you for coming tonight,” Draco whispered from beside you, his arm wrapping somehow tighter around you.

“I had a nice time,” you whispered back, tilting your head up and settling it on his shoulder.

“You’re good at these things,” Draco said thoughtfully, his hand tucking itself underneath the jacket on you and resting his hand on the bare skin of your arm, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You’d probably be miserable,” you joked, smiling.

Draco looked down at you with a funny expression you couldn’t read, but it looked sincere, “Yeah, I would be.”

You breathed deeply, realizing you could hear the music from inside. It was a slow classical song, similar to the ones that had been playing all night. Draco moved you so you were chest to chest, pulling one of your hands to rest on his shoulder while the other stayed in his. His free hand went to your waist, still under the jacket, and he began to move you both.

You danced, basked in the subtle light coming from inside with reflections from the glass ornaments and the tinsel reflecting onto you both. Draco had a flash of green across his face, and you saw a sliver of silver across your arm. 

He moved you slowly, holding you close to him. Your cheek rested against his chest, breathing him in and relishing his warmth.

“Happy Christmas, Draco,” you whispered, looking up at him.

“Happy Christmas, my love,” he whispered, his mouth moving against your forehead as he placed a sweet kiss there. 

[crispyapplepies]

AkuRoku Defense pt 2

Axel and Roxas’s ship has had one of the most bizarre fandom journey’s i have ever come to witness. It has gone from being one of the most popular ships maybe ever, to being dead cancelled over a supposed age gap and I find that completely unfair, especially when it speaks to so many innocent people who emotionally depend on the ship, (yes innocent includes the spicy people because art literally is not a crime). So its time to defend it.

Brief Review on Nobodies vs Aging

First of all, l already explained in part 1 what the Nobodies Don’t Age thing means but I’ll go over it again briefly, since it can be confusing, though also many people seem to demand their hands be held rather than use their imaginations to understand. Even so, here’s the short version just for a review:

-A person in KH is made of a heart, body, and soul.

-The body reflects the heart in KH. (See: replica bodies taking on the appearance of the heart that’s inside them). 

-A nobody lacks a heart, making them just a body and soul. They’re advanced zombies of sorts.

Nobodies do not age because they have no heart for the body to reflect. This is why they won’t change until they form one. Change includes age

-Ergo, you can imagine any age you like for Axel to be nobodied, cuz he was frozen at that age and did not change for 10 years. Not until he met Roxas. 

We’ll come back to this again later.

Axel Loves Roxas Canonically

Second of all, Axel loves Roxas and you are allowed to interpret that as platonic, familial, or romantic, I don’t care as long as you’re not forcing that idea on others like the ship police. That said, people are allowed to explore how romantic this love potentially is. 

And what you might like to know is that the canon is even open to this. Axel’s love for Roxas is canonically expressed, and if you would like, you can even interpret that love as romantic. See below:

We are going to look at the japanese translation because AS ALWAYS good old SENA is here for the straights and erases the gay, like clockwork. 

In English, Axel says this:

Axel: I wanted to see Roxas. He...was the only one I liked... He made me feel...like I had a heart. It's kind of...funny... You make me feel...the same...

Axel’s line here in Japanese:

Axel: I wanted to see Roxas... I loved him. Being with him... it made me feel like I had a heart. I feel it from you, too... the same kind of....

You may notice that as romantic as the line “he made me feel like I had a heart” sounds, the original can be read as wAY gooier, specifically cuz of this word:

好き: "suki"

Now here’s the thing. Japanese is a pretty vague language which is why context is so important for these things, as well as what you say, and what you don’t say. 

“Suki” is a very key word here because it is often used in romantic confession scenes.

(I have no idea what this panel is from, I apologize lol) 

It CAN mean something casual, like “I love video games”, but considering Axel is saying this with his dying breath, I don’t think we should be treating it as some hyperbole. He is referring to a person and it is meaningful. However. It is still a word with plausible deniability. Japanese has several words for love, “ai” for example being one of the most inarguable means of referring to romantic love. So choosing “suki” still leaves room for the homophobes to disregard it as something not romantic. Which makes it objectively inconclusive. Here is the thing though… they specifically chose that word, suki, a word which IS so often used in a romantic context in many anime and manga. 

They also chose to use that word rather than something objectively platonic. Which means you also cannot conclude Axel did NOT mean it romantically. Given his devotion to Roxas, and the fact that they chose this word of all words for him to say… I’m personally going to assume it’s romantic. You are free not to interpret it that way. But I am because I am considering the fact that they did not choose something strictly platonic. 

(My translator friend actually freaked out when I showed her this, she’s translated and seen enough confession scenes to know what connotations that particular word comes with lol). 

If you’ve read my queer coding doc, you may recall I also go over how this is one of the most important tricks with queer coding. You write something that CAN be viewed as queer but with plausible deniability for straight people to ignore it. It’s a means of protecting oneself and the text from homophobic oppression. It is a legitimate practice. So even though it can be denied as a queer text, it can also very very well be viewed as a definite queer text. We are choosing to queer it here. It is not as explicit as it could be, but it is still very bold, suggestive coding considering the homophobic world we live in, and especially with KH2 being released in 2004. 

“But Age Gap!” (ughhhhh)

We’re back to this cuz I also finally have the Japanese version of that infamous page in the Day’s novel to look at.  

I hope you’ll forgive me if I get a little bit salty but I don’t like to repeat myself lol so I’m gonna try to keep this section short and to the point.

In this interview with Nomura, he expresses that nobodies do not age, and they exist as they were at the time of becoming a nobody. He then suggests Xemnas seems 30 ish.

Now I truly do not care to hold your hand through the process of thinking creatively because you should be using your own imagination, if you have one, to think critically and creatively about what this idea means.

Kingdom Hearts is a FANTASY game. Nobodies are a FANTASY concept. They can break ALL the rules about real life that you want them to. But I will go ahead and explain this for you even though I’ve already done it many times, in this very document even and in other meta posts.

The body reflects the heart. Nobodies are frozen as they are from the moment they are “born”, which is to say the moment they are created. Glorified zombies. They aren’t going to age unless they form a heart. Why does Xemnas look 30? He has a heart! Or he was formed 10 years after TerraNort defected. You tell me. Why did Ienzo age? I dunno, you tell me! Either he formed a heart and didn’t know it, (he’s passionate about his work, he loves Ansem the Wise, any number of things could’ve made him form a new heart), or he was nobodied later in life. Axel is frozen at whatever age he was when he was nobodied, all the while Ienzo could’ve been nobodied 10 years later. It’s a fantasy, and these are fantasy rules. That scenario can happen. YOU decide. Until the canon tells us for sure, your imaginations can run wild with explanations. Even if the canon does tell us, you can still imagine whatever you want for your own headcanons. Freedom is amazing, it’s salty and sweet. 

Now let’s talk about that annoying page in the Days novel people keep shoving in my face.

This one right here. The official english translation is this:

That’s not the worst translation I’ve seen them put out there. But let’s look closer at the Japanese:

 Here, Axel says he thinks Roxas is about 10 years separate from himself, but things like age don't exist for nobodies.

Already that’s making a lot more sense to me for nobodies since we are told nobodies do not age. As such Axel speaking like he is 10 years older would feels almost contradictory when he has no heart and cannot change. 

This wording is important. Recall me saying that Japanese is very vague so all of the context matters. No one is denying that 10 years passed between Birth By Sleep and Axel meeting Roxas. However. Nobodies don’t age.

(please dont make me explain that a third time in this essay alone)

The Japanese and English both express that age does not apply to nobodies, (as discussed above^^^^) and the Japanese furthers this with its wording. They have 10 years of separation between Axel being nobodied, and Roxas existing.  

Axel saying in English that Roxas is simply 10 years younger than himself is rather misleading considering the ambiguity of the original. I can’t fault the translators too much for not understanding this nobody concept so well because it is obviously confusing. However, I do not think Axel was saying Roxas is literally, in real life human somebody terms, 10 literal physical years younger than him. He is expressing that he became a nobody 10 years ago whereas this guy became a nobody very recently, and it shows with how little he can even function right now. A zombie who has been wandering around with no heart for 10 years meets a fresh zombie wandering around with no heart for 1 day. 

I know antis are gonna use it against us no matter what, but at least know that akuroku is not inherently pedophilia nor is it inherently an adult/minor ship.

In many of our headcanons, Axel was frozen at age 18 or 19, with Roxas being 16. Absolutely no one is required to view them with a big age gap because imagination is free and you literally have no right to police it, but also because the canon expresses these nobodies as beings outside of the realm of age. They do not operate under real life rules or somebody rules. Think of Steven Universe where Rose was thousands of years old but only “grew up” as a person when she fell in love with Greg, a human in his 20s-30s who asked her to consider other people’s feelings. Consider the mind of a nobody as a state of Neverland. You aren’t gonna age unless you step out of it and change. Mature. Isn’t it sad that Axel did not feel like he had a heart until Roxas? No wonder people ship it!

Coding is Obvious

Finally I wanna conclude on a simple thought. This interview right here? I’d be curious what the original Japanese actually says lol but the english translation of it says that romantic akuroku was not Nomura’s intent. 

Here’s the thing though. If you know anything about queer coding, you know that using romantic coding between 2 male characters is signaling something. It is not something you should ignore. It would not be there if the characters were meant to be viewed as objectively straight. And for something “unintentional”... there sure is a lot of coding at work here.

From Axel pinning Roxas down and asking him to come home in a very sexually suggestive pose,

to watching the sunset in sheer bliss together just enjoying the peace of reunion,

to watching the sunset together while talking about what LOVE is, specifICALLY romantic love,

To this. And I already told you what this was in Japanese.

I’m not saying Nomura lied…

But I am saying that a whole staff worked together to create these games, and it is very difficult for me to believe that no one thought to say “these characters appear to be romantic, let us change the scene to be more platonic” if the characters were not meant to be romantically suggestive. 

Tl;Dr I wanna live in the timeline where people let you ship akuroku lol

[ferie-anon]

(●’◡’●)ﾉ hey, I hope you could look at my signs and see which member in NCT (any sub unit) would you ship me with? My placements are: aries sun & mercury, aquarius moon, saggitarius rising, capricorn mars, and pisces venus:)) Thanks!💗

(Your moodboard)

Alrighty, aries sun with aquarius moon, so I see you are someone with strong opinions and stubborn of your own beliefs/views. Probably rlly active, physically and mentally, your thought process and randomness is always intriguing and inspiring for others. With aries mercury, you adhere genuine thoughts, honesty, and expect loyalty just as you are loyal and there for those you care about. With pisces venus, you are sweet, self-less in love, and it is quite balanced with your aries energy that you choose to give your all, and heart to those you trust. Also that emoji in your ask desc, is literally uwu your placements make for someone genuine/authentic, and you also desire/value those same things back. Your aquarius moon with sag rising, kinda makes you pretty easygoing/the impression, idk wut it is but you seem someone who is able to cheer up or bring light to others, aquarius moons are actually pretty funny imo, they rlly got this thing going on where ppl be loving them and they don’t even know who these ppl. With sag rising, I feel you may be pretty active irl in some aspect, maybe hanging out with friends? Or going somewhere/doing any activities. Your complexion/impression may be glowy/healthy, in the sense, or physically. Lastly, your capricorn mars pairs well with your pisces venus and everything imo, with capricorn mars you hold yourself to a certain set of work ethic of consistency, carry and are aware of the responsibility, and you also show through care of others by taking care of them in a way, capricorn mars are lowkey smoothly quiet when aiding someone. I appreciate capricorn mars grounding/consistent nature becuz you guys are always getting something done or mostly.

Your match in Nct is.... Johnny!

Johnny here has an aquarius sun with a gemini moon! Fun in many different ways and every type of moment with Johnny is quite not the typical norm, something that will always be unrestricting and free but mentally stimulating. (Well in Nct, not the norm seems often there lol) With double air in the big 3, his sun in aquarius makes him someone who is quietly resilient yet engaging and a bit distant from his true personal feelings to new ppl, as aquariuses open up once they feel like they’re comfortable with sharing their true emotions with someone they care and trust enough. After all, there’s many aspects and layers of Johnny from wut we have seen, his variety moments, then his serious and lowkey intimidating moments as he is one of the eldest, and him with his members, playing along with them and talking with them personally. Johnny has a lot of meme moments, or rather memes insert in many video compilation of nct, it’s either iconic or just very “johnny” of him in terms of thinking, but remains memorable in nct content which can show of aquarius innovation and making new statements(moments/events). His gemini moon makes him share his intellect of moving through his thoughts quickly, at times making him quite reflexive verbally and etc, and him being random at times becuz gemini moons are the type of brains that will go through so many ideas and thoughts that wut u see may be only a fraction or part of their wittiness and intellect. The first meeting of a scenario, would be the first day at campus/college or uni. Though you heard or thought you heard some screeches that were similar to a parrot, and spotted the noise coming from a tall boy who was chilling and fooling around with his friend group. 'Hmm wut was that lol', you chuckled to yourself as you rush to the entrance realizing you're nearly late.

(Johnny explaining the term “oh daddy” is iconic and so awkwardly hilarious in context)

Johnny's moon is in gemini, and these natives are logical, ends up attempting to rationalize emotions through why they feel this way, however they appear distant emotionally or rather not be upfront with taking of their emotions till someone close, as with their playful and spontaneous they are deep down emotionally vulnerable and caring of others but shown in a rather lighthearted and communicative way. Displayed, Johnny on camera and all doesn't seem to publically display or make known of his emotional moments and etc, and that despite being one of the oldest, they still care a lot and face other emotional conflicts innerly thought they don't display as much as they're seen as dependable and taking care of others as the oldest ones. With your aquarius moon, you both are similar in that your emotional needs and feelings aren’t directly channeled or displayed at first. With aqua moon, as they rather open up eventually to the one they find trust and closeness with, new ppl/acquaintances coming into the life may not get to fully grasp your emotional sense of thoughts and may only be able to get the notion of your somewhat detached nature/closed off to ones you have yet to trust or be close to. Both of you guys are inquisitive and observant, however aquarius moon are observant like self aware of the final outcome or contribute to the big picture of all the details they intake. While gemini moons notice detailed things and small tidbits and things that comes through their mind. You both will be able to grow more open and navigate through the emotional space and company of each other with the similarities and with some differences regarding your thinkings, it will be a good development of new perspectives for each other. The communication will be very expanded upon, both being active mentally-wise and bonding together will bring new topics/ease at expressing oneself.

His mercury is in aquarius. Aha, these ppl communicate in a very intriguing, funny/expressive way that isn’t typically boring in a way. Either fromt eh way they speak or present their explanation, there’s something that is expressively creative or genius-like in the out of norm examples or speech they draw out. Becuz they think from different approaches to explaining the issue or concept, they’re good at making “sense” in some form, and others being persuaded at times and seeing a different perspective with their logic. So combined with Johnny’s gemini moon, the creative juices of humor and words with his aquarius mercury makes him quite the fun and mentally stimulating conversationer, at one point he’s basically enlightening u with deep social issues topics and talking about thoughts, then springing up a new topic about ten being scared of fruits and coming up with theories and jokes (or he’s gonna switch the topic again lol). With your aries mercury, u would enjoy his active perspectives and logic, mostly u would challenge it with ur own opinion and perspective and u guys were talk extensively on it, tho it may lead to banter mainly u attempting to stand by ur point for some topics, and sometimes u both would be laughing it off during a convo becuz u both thought it was funny and agreed with each other. Spontaneity and intellect in the mix is an enjoyable rollercoaster ride lol.

He has venus in capricorn~ Cue Johnny explaining the term “oh daddy”, cuz he himself is lowkey one- jkjk on the pg rated side, there’s a sense of security and trust that comes with reliability of each other here, where Johnny would like to be able to provide that sense of secureness, whether emotionally, or “materially”, that ties with the bond and connection that is made and also initiates and desires stability. Johnny wouldn’t be very upfront regarding his affections and physical displayment of love or feelings, but it would be inherently noticed by you eventually, you may be a bit oblivious at first like “..? Oh he did something thoughtful becuz of me”. (Mark cheerleading in the audience: “oh dude he’s flirting”) Your pisces venus would give words of affirmations and selfless help and attentiveness at him, it may just be watching and wandering around him as you guys talk or eat. And he would also notice, tho similarly he may be a bit oblivious but probs realize quicker, ‘oh that’s why u said that-‘. I feel like you would initiate physical touch/skinship to express yourself, it may be subtle like hand holding or just playing around with his sleeve or hand. Johnny would be smiling softly inside, he would have a sliight lift of the corners of his lips in reaction to wut ur doing, cuz he wanna play it cool/he’s “totally not paying attention to wut ur doing”. Cute vibes yall.

Lastly, Johnny has mars in leo. Yuh, get into it, lol Johnny definitely is ambitious and also driven/puts it into action of it. The passion these placement exhibit and hold within their emotional desires and channel it through to get the success/outcome that they work for, Johnny is very talented in many aspects. Dancing and with a focus of the things they love, like for johnny being an idol, performing, interacting with fans international and in korea, and having a good time all through becuz that’s wut their heart is at. A focus/motivation that pushes through from their heart’s ambitious passion. (That probs didn’t make sense lol) Anyways paired with your capricorn mars, yall are power duo in this aspect of working till you meet ur goal/get that bag lol. In all seriousness, you both are ambitious, and where the amount of hard work lies is evident in both of yall. I would say leo mars are more reactive regarding their ambitions and dreams, linked to it in a firey manner or expression, like they’re charging through to it. Whereas your capricorn mars may be more pragmatic about the process but also charging through to meet ends of the goal. Though his leo mars does opposite your aquarius moon, the attraction drawn through each others difference in manners and execution is enough to create a expansion of new perspectives for each other as u guys spend more time. In the end u both will be able to understand each others own initiation and process of thinking and action, and the team work and work ethic together will be formidable to others ahaha.

Overall, it’s very interactive, fun, and a learning and experiencing relationship that is also calming in some aspects. The talkative couple, that would even say weird shit conversationally lol and everyone would not bat an eye becuz it’s “normal”. Goofing around and then being very close to each other that u both are comfortable in that aspect, so expressing your feelings to each other and dates would be cute and fun learning and experiencing from each other and hardships that you both face together to pull each other up for the better, very mutually caring. Yall are memey couple combined with intellectual sense of wisdom and care, and also power in focus of ur own passions and ambitions. The vibes you both exude together ->🍓✨🐠☀️🦭💅💞👯‍♀️📽 🍧 👜

[worlds-smallestviolin]

Mother

Masamune x MC

genre: angst/fluff

word count:2208

summary: retelling of Masamune’s love’s union gacha story from MC’s POV

a/n: It always bothers me how MC just decides to stay in past without care about her family, so for stories sake let’s assume Sasuke went back to the future.

           With everyone asleep, Aoba was a quiet place; quite a contrast compared to how loud and lively it was during the day (it is Masamune’s castle, after all). Having changed into my sleeping robe, I was sitting on the futon, waiting for my lover to join me ( I’d say to sleep, dear reader, but we both know that would be a lie.).And my handsome Masamune was still at his desk, working despite the late hour. He may be a wild tiger, but he took his responsibility as a head of the clan very seriously. He did everything he could to make life easier for the people of Oshu. And I’m not just talking about him going to war or battling demons of paperwork. I mean little things as well, like cooking a meal for his men on patrol, or writting letters to his vassals to thank them or simply talk about what’s been going on lately. “You shouldn’t write in the dark. It’s bad for you’re eye.”, I broke the silence hoping to convince him to put down the brush for tonight. “I know, I know. I’ll be done in a second. You just wait for me like a good kitten”, he said, raising his head to flash me a smile that made my heart skip a beat or two. “Meow!”, My god, I’m such a dork. I hugged my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth. Masamune returned his attention to the letter he was writing, and again silence settled in.

Having nothing else to do but wait, I soon got lost in my own thoughts. Some time has passed since I started living here in Aoba. It still surprises me how quickly I’ve gotten used to the life here. Masamune encouraged my worked as a seamstress. He had a room prepared for me, where I could sketch and make clothes; I already had a few clients. He would often keep my drawings to hang on the wall, always repeating how much he loved my art. I’ve made friends with maids, and Kojuro and guys were always there to lend a helping hand. I spent my free time with Masamune, getting into all sort of adventures, and sometimes troubles. We would go for a ride, or a walk around town, we ate delicious food, we cooked together, we laughed and we made love. All in all, life was good. I remember how nervous I was in the days before we left Azuchi, worrying if I would be accepted in Oshu as I was among Oda. Not to mention that I’m still not completely used to the life in Sengoku period. Yes, things are great so far. But from time to time, I can’t help giving voice to my old insecurities. What happens if this doesn’t work out? The picture of my parants forms in my mind, only to slowly morph into that of Masamune and I. And their insults and shouts fall from our lips, that so far know only sweet kisses and sweet nothings. No, I don’t want to think of that.

I quickly try to banish those thoughts back into the dark corners of my mind. Luckly for me, a voice calls from outside our room. “Pardon me for the intrusion this late at night, my lord. There is a letter from Lady Yoshihime.” Masamune receives the letter and tells both man to get some rest. Once we are alone again, I couldn’t help voicing my curiosity: “Who’s Lady Yoshihime?” “My mother.”, he says, and something about his indifferent voice makes me feel uneasy. “I’ve noticed she doesn’t live in the castle with us…”The first day I came here they held a feast to celebrate Masamune’s return and my arrival, where Masamune introduced me to a lot of people that are important to him. You’d think that his mother would be among them. “She poisoned me when I was young. There’s messy politics with her side of the family, so it seemed best we live apart.”, he said it as if he was informing me about the weather outside.“I’m sorry, WHAT?” I misheard that, right? He did not just say his mother tried to have him killed. I stared at him, trying to process what he just told me. “It’s not that strange. When it comes to the succession of a clan, things often get ugly. With the loss of my eye, she must have thought I wasn’t fit to be the head of the Date and decided to take matters into her own hands.” Shock quickly turned into anger. She tried to kill her own child because of something that wasn’t his fault, something he couldn’t change. For a moment, I thought of my own mother, who believed motherhood to be the most sacred and joyous role a woman could have, who loved and supported unconditionally and would give up anything and everything for her children. I could not imagine how difficult it must have been for Masamune, being sick and losing your eye. And the one person who was supposed to love him more than anyone betrays him like that. My heart filled with sorrow. It must have shown on my face, because Masamune tried to reassure me with a smile: “I barely remember it. Must not have been that bad, or I wouldn’t have forgotten, right? If I let it trouble me, I wouldn’t be fit to be a lord, and that would only prove my mother right.” His words reminded me of what Master Kosai told me about Masamune. “One who would stand above others must be most strict with oneself. They must work as hard as their hardest workers and be always deserving of the praise their station affords them. Their pain they must learn to bear with on their own, for they will at times be alone. Those were the lessons I instilled in that young child. He survived by embracing what I taught him. So much that he no longer needs to ‘act’ to be the ideal leader from his lessons. But our nature is unchanging. In the deepest part of Masamune’s heart that injured young child remains.

Having read the letter, Masamune joined me on the futon. Smile on his face, he patted my head. But for a moment, a mere second, I saw something in the depth of his eye. You never tamed you’re demons, Masamune, you just kept them on a leash. And the wounds of heart are never quick to heal. You could try to ignore them, you might even forget them. But they remain there somewhere, waiting for a chance to overwhelm you. And if you cannot entrust them to anyone else, at least entrust them to me. So I pulled him down to bed with me, holding him close to my chest, his cheek resting against my breast. I run my fingers softly through his hair. “I want you to listen carefully to what I’m about to say. I love you, so you don’t ever have to hide how you feel when you’re around me. You’re not my lord, Masamune. You’re the man I love; a fun guy who acts all cool but has the most adorable blush, the one who can kiss my heart into a full stop and then restart it with a touch, someone who always protects me and encourages me. And I will always be here for you. So leave the perfect leader outside this room, and just be my Masamune.” He tried to protest but, I wouldn’t let him. Then he turned his face from me, and for a moment I thought he might cry. But after a while he met my eyes again. “I’ll try.”, he said with a smile. I guess old habits die hard. “That’s a start.” I kissed his forehead and continued running my fingers through his hair. Eventually I felt him relax as he drifted to sleep. But my brain was too busy for that. I was angry at Lady Yoshihime, I was sad for Masamune. And in the stillness of the night, my mind wandered to that dark corner again. I was afraid.

Hearing about Masamune’s mother made me think about my own parents. I knew they must be worried about me. Sasuke promised to deliver my letter. Hopefully, that will ease their hearts. It wouldn’t be the first time I disappeared of the radar. They were good parents, for the most part. Well, when it comes to my father, the best I can say is that he tried. He never failed to tell me he loved me. I never once doubted it. But he wasn’t the easiest man to get along with. He had his opinions and his expectations, and those were set in stone. Being his eldest child, the bar was set especially high for me. He worked two jobs to save money for my education. And though he never understood my passion for fashion, he supported me, so long as he didn’t have to listen to me talk about it. He never raised his hands on us, but his anger was something to be feared. My mother, on the other hand was a saint. I’ve never heard her raise her voice. No matter what troubled her, she always wore a smile. She was the one who took care of us when we were sick, fed us, helped us do homework or study for exam, attended every parents meeting, every school play… She was there to listen to us for hours and comfort us. She was there for every tear and every smile.

But as good as they were in their roles as parents, they were the worst couple I’ve ever seen. I could count the times I remember seeing them being affectionate towards each other on the fingers of my hands, if those hands were in a terrible accident and were missing a few fingers. Instead, there were fights and shouting, and then days of them ignoring each other, and us walking on eggshells around them. They would act more affectionate towards me and my brother, as if they were competing for our love. And it was always about something small and insignificant, a misplaced item or misheard word. It always ended with the ‘talk’ where my father would insist they just forget and move on. There were never any apologies, they never talked things through.

My parents didn’t marry for love, or at least if they did it was quickly spent. They did their best not to let their fights affect the kids. My childhood was for the most part a happy one. But the older I got, the more I noticed the cracks that began to show. They were not happy, although they stubbornly maintained that illusion. What makes someone choose to stay and live a life next to a person that makes them miserable? Why don’t you just leave him? I heard my aunt say to my mum one time. I do it for my children. I could never leave them. They are my everything. Maybe that was the moment when the fear was born, squeezing my heart each time she smiled. I was causing her pain just by being, a cage to a bird who otherwise could simply fly away. And I started to wonder if one day I too will be like that. “Mom, I love you. But I don’t want to become you.”, I said on the night before my cousin’s wedding, when the conversation inevitably turned into wedding talk, and I tell her I don’t ever want to marry. I see a heart breaking in those eyes. A single shard of glass melts and runs down her cheek; on its way, leaves my heart bleeding as well. Still she smiles: ” So long as you’re happy, I’ll be happy too.”.

The sky is still pale yellow-blue. I stared at the eye of a calm sea, and I felt calm as well; last night’s shadows fleeing before the morning light. Or maybe it’s Masamune’s touch that chases them away. He was always good at that, erasing my insecurities. Though I now know he was plagued by them too. Both of us are with hidden corners in our hearts, echoing with the words “You’re not good enough.” A doubt dwells in the back of the mind; his slumbers deep within, mine lingers just beneath the skin. Still I believe we’ll be alright. “ I want you’re face to be the first thing I see in the morning. Whether we’re at war, or everything is peaceful. I want that tomorrow, and the day after, and forever more.”, he brushed his finger along my cheek. I knew it won’t always be easy, I knew many things will try to break us apart. Still I believed in us. Whatever we might face, with you by my side, I was confident enough. “ My love for you will never change, Masamune.” He drew me to his chest, I felt his tears touch my head. The beating of his heart told me they were not tears of sorrow. I remained quietly in his arms, as another tear slides down my cheek. Mother, I’m happy now.    

[restlessmaknae]

measure of life

“I wish I could have your will-power,” she mentioned almost in awe, and in that moment, Luda understood that they would never get it. Never.

♦ Characters: uni student!Jin x uni student!OC (Luda)

♦ Genre: psychological, drama, angst, slice of life

♦ Words: 14k

♦ Warning: this story will be about the OC’s eating disorder - specifically anorexia - evolving and her fight with it, so even though there are no numbers mentioned here, eating disorder habits (calorie counting, weighing oneself, hiding in baggy clothes, lying etc) will be mentioned, so please, if you are easily triggered by the topic, do not read the story!

♦ A/N: Although there are fictional parts, a lot of scenes are inspired by my own life since I’ve also been dealing with anorexia myself, but I’ve been in recovery for three years and I’m better than ever! Therefore, I felt like I could do justice to my journey only if I finished writing this story that I started when I was diagnosed. If you or anyone suffer from an eating disorder, please, reach out for help! It will get better, I promise! My ask box is also always open! 💖

When you look in the mirror, who do you see? What do you see? Fat? What about your waistline? Is it correct? Do you think it should look like this? Do you think you should look like this?

They always say that you are not enough. You are not skinny enough. To be precise, you are not skinny. Who has ever told you that you are? No one? That’s right. That’s because nobody would like to lie to you. They would rather let it slide because they don’t want to hurt you.

Are you okay with that? Are you okay with how do you look? No? Then, change! After all, Jaejun even left you because you weren’t skinny. Or at least, not as skinny as your best friend. Or ex-best friend. 

Comparing, hah? What a nasty word! Still, it hurts, doesn’t it? You always knew that she was skinnier than you, she was always more beautiful than you and she was even praised for her pretty features. People even begged her to eat more when you just sat there staring blankly at your empty plate and wondered why nobody had asked you to do the same. Apparently, you never needed those extra calories because everyone knew that you would get fat. They were the ones who couldn’t. There were always people like your best friend who couldn’t gain a single pound even if they ate three times more than you. Not to mention that they could casually eat fatty, unhealthy food while you did your best to avoid it as much as possible. The result couldn’t be seen on you though.

Still, you are the one who’s not enough and you are the one who never once heard in her life that she’s skinny. You try to shrug it off and claim that it’s okay. You are okay with that. But it sucks, right? It does. Every single damn time when she’s munching away on her triple chocolate muffins while you are eating a single apple. Every single time a boy turns around to look at her, totally ignoring your presence. Every single time your friends whine that ’Please, Eunbi, eat more. You are so skinny!’ or ’Please, eat a lot. It won’t hurt, you need it.’ 

It’s like an invisible bullet through your heart. Every single time they fire at you and you can’t help but get weaker and weaker. You grow to hate yourself, your body, your weight. Everything that is you. Because that seems to be your only flaw now; you are a good student, people think that you have the perfect family, and you have never failed anything in your life. You are only flawed when it comes to your appearance.

Now, put an end to this! Change! It shouldn’t be that hard, right? Everyone’s dieting now, you can do it, too. You are strong enough, you can endure it. In the end, you will surely get what you want. Melt that fat and be the one who people call skinny! Dare to wear girly and not baggy clothes. Months from now on, you shouldn’t be afraid to show your figure to the world. You can do it, you can achieve it!

“Yes! I can do it,” she said to the figure in the mirror, frowning constantly at the sight. All she could see was fat, fat and fat. Her thighs were big, her waistline was something that she wouldn’t dare to look at and her cheeks were puffy. She looked at her reflection again, hoping that the picture would change, the flaws would fade away.

Unfortunately, they didn’t. Unbeknownst to her, it was all in her head, the seed of the growing disease was inside of her. It started with her vision. What she saw was not real, yet she believed that it was real.

“I have to do it,” she claimed confidently, throwing one last flinch at that so-called fat body of hers and left the room.

It was the day when it all started. When Choi Luda decided to listen to the intriguing voice in her head and follow its lead. It was a first-class ticket to the Hell of self-hatred.

You are not enough. I need someone better. You know… someone funnier, more easy-going, someone who doesn’t have such a low self-esteem. I know that you don’t do it to irritate others but honestly… after a while, it can get pretty annoying.

Jaejun’s words were still running through her head when she was on the way back to her apartment, resting her head on the cold glass of the window. It was only an hour ago when the boy confessed that he wanted to break up with her and left her at the restaurant where they had previously decided to meet up. She foresaw that something was fishy when they didn’t even order anything and the words had already slipped out of Jaejun’s mouth:

“We need to talk, Luda,” he announced after clearing his throat to get her attention and that’s how all it started. She didn’t know how long he talked but she knew that he completely broke her heart. Not once, not twice, multiple times.

It started with the fact that he found it annoying that she always refused to go to a fast-food restaurant when he asked her out. It wasn’t because she hated fast food – at that time, she could still stand the thought of eating a burger and chips – but she was fond of old school dates with watching movies at each other’s flats, going to the amusement park, having a picnic outside, going hiking together or merely having lunch at a decent restaurant, not Burger King. Was it really too much to ask? All Jaejun had always wanted to do was to go to a fast food restaurant where they couldn’t even hear each other properly.

On top of that, he blamed her because she wasn’t as lovely as Ara - her best friend. Obviously, she had seen that those two had a thing but she wouldn’t like to admit it. She would have felt more pitiful, she would have felt like she was being used. Jaejun needed her to get closer to Ara. Now, she saw it like how it was, not how she wanted it to be. And it hurt. It hurt as if a poisoned arrow had been sent to her heart, slowly and mercilessly encouraging the disease to spread through her veins and destroy her body.

And then again, she wasn’t enough. She dread those words because it would mean that she failed. All she did was to please others, to meet others’ expectations. She began to lose herself in the midst of trying to be perfect but she didn’t care until others approved of her – her friends, her family, her boyfriend, the professors and the society. She became a perfectionist, someone who feared making mistakes and was terrified to let people down.

You are not enough.

Another teardrop was making its way down her cheeks as she was sobbing silently in the back of the bus. It was past 9pm and she was the only passenger. Not like she would stop wiping if someone showed up but she felt like she was safe. The silence and the monotonous swing of the vehicle was somewhat soothing for her frazzled nerves. Yet, the tears seemed to have no end. She cried, cried and cried some more until a young man suddenly handed her a tissue.

“Is there something wrong?”

The gentle male voice asked and startled Luda who was absent-mindedly looking out of the window. She hadn’t even taken notice of the new passenger as she hadn’t had for that. She tried to pick herself up but to no avail. She was too broken for the time being.

No was what she tried to say but she couldn’t bring herself to lie. She was already fed up with lies, she didn’t want to become a lying machine herself.

“My...” She stuttered in between sobs and didn’t even manage to end her sentence. It was too sorrowful to say it out loud. She felt like if she told someone about the break-up, it would eventually become real and she would need to accept the fact and never broach up the topic again. However, she wasn’t over it, she still couldn’t let go of Jaejun’s words. They were haunting her, whispering creepily into her ears, grabbing her by the wrist and dragging her to the dark hole of self-hatred.

“I-I was actually...” She made an attempt to confess to the stranger but failed miserably. Instead, she burst into tears again.

The teardrops were searing, leaving sorrowful scars on her pale skin, placing poisonous kisses on her rosy cheeks. She wanted to wash away all the memories they had shared with Jaejun but she also felt pitiful at the same time. Was it really worth it to cry over such a guy like Lim Jaejun? Was he really worth it? Were those 11 months that they had spent together worthy of her pearl-like tears? She didn’t know, therefore she felt even more awful.

It got better only when the male started patting her back and gently prompted her to lean onto his shoulder. In the beginning, she protested a bit, fidgeting in her seat to make a decision but after a couple more sad teardrops, she decided to give in. At first, the whole situation felt peculiar – she was crying her eyes out in the arms of another man after an hour of her break-up – but after a while, she found the presence of the guy prominently reassuring and his touch undoubtedly fond.

So she just let it all out. She let the pain take over her and her pride to bury itself with her worried thoughts concerning the cosiness of their scene. The more she stayed in his arms, the less she felt the need to cry. It felt like a safe haven to her. He felt like a safe haven to her.

Her wounds seemed to heal a bit, her mind was less tangled than before as her thoughts weren’t screaming as loudly as they had done so before the young man showed up. She felt at ease for the first time in the last couple of hours and it was all thanks to his assistance. If it weren’t for him, she would have cried the whole way back to her flat.

Speaking of the bus journey itself, they were slowly approaching her final destination and the thought made her come back to her senses. As it crossed her mind, she immediately pulled back from him, a bit ashamed because of the fact that she had just revealed her weak self to a total stranger.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry,” she apologised in an instant and busied herself with wiping off the imaginable dust from her jeans. “I’ve just made your shirt all wet. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have−”

“No, no, it’s totally okay,” the handsome stranger cut her off and boosted a friendly smile to set her at ease. “When one needs someone to lean on, I am more than happy to be that someone. It would get worse if you didn’t let it out, so don’t be ashamed,” he stated gently, his soft, honey-like voice sending pleasant chills running down her spine. 

She couldn’t help but feel guilty at the immediate reaction of her body. He was a stranger after all. His presence shouldn’t have done odd things to the state of her heart the day her boyfriend just dumped her! It wasn’t right.

“But it’s so weird. I don’t even know you.”

“Everyone starts out as strangers, right?” He shrugged it off with the most reassuring smile that she had ever seen in her life. Her shoulders slumped. Unwarily, a smile casted on her face as well.

“Right.” Luda nodded coyly.

The next few seconds were spent in awkward silence, both of them stealing glances when the other wasn’t aware of being watched. Neither of them knew what to say or do until the handsome stranger finally broke the silence.

“By the way, I’m Kim Seokjin. But you can just call me Jin,” he introduced himself as he reached his hand out and she took it without hesitation. She had to admit that his grip was firm yet gentle. His touch was searing yet tempting. She found herself staring at their hands, examining the obvious difference between their sizes. The boy’s hand was so much larger than hers and his fingers were also longer. They looked like the fingers of an artist or at least someone who had constantly worked on something using his hands. She pondered for a thought what he could possibly be doing.

“Choi Luda,” she did the same, bobbing her head and removing her hand from his. “And thank you for−”

“Being your crying pillow?” Jin raised his eyebrow in question, his eyes hinting at his amusement. “Anytime,” he offered voluntarily, making both of them astonished at his remark.

Yet, she soon found herself laughing at his cute comment. It was the first time she laughed that day and it felt like the weight was finally lifted off of her chest. She was finally able to breathe. Her head wasn’t full of negative thoughts. That one monologue wasn’t playing in her head like a broken tape record. No. It was her, the sound of her pleased laughter and his breathtaking smile. 

“Now you are laughing at me. Why? I was totally serious!” He acted like he was hurt but she could detect the playfulness in his voice. A moment later, her theory proved right as he also let himself laugh with her. “Just kidding, I’m happy that you can smile now,” he noted smoothly, making her blush like a teenage girl. It was weird to hear something like this from a stranger but it made her heart leap a bit.

Unfortunately, the bus came to a halt and it was already her stop, so she needed to get off. The doors flew open and she didn’t have time to say a proper goodbye even though she wanted to say so many things to Jin. She was utterly thankful for him being there for her despite the fact that she didn’t even tell him that she was under the weather because her boyfriend had broken up with her. Nonetheless, he – quite literally – offered a shoulder to lean on, helping her until she was able to smile again. There was so much to be thankful for, yet the time was ticking.

“Uh, that’s my stop, I need to get off.” Luda jumped from her seat in an instant and swiftly made her way to the door. “Thank you so much, Jin! I hope we’ll see each other in the future!” She hollered before the doors closed behind her. 

She pouted a bit as she turned around and the vehicle was already moving but it was immediately replaced by a smile when she caught sight of the handsome stranger who was grinning widely and waving in her direction. Before the bus totally disappeared from her sight, she swore that she had seen a flying kiss from him.

What a day!

There was one thing she hated even more than the fact that she needed to attend her lectures at the university. It was the fact that most likely, she would bump into her best friend. Or ex-best friend. Who knew actually?

Jaejun had dumped her on Friday and here she was in her tiny room the following Monday with tangled thoughts and still no calls from Ara. Did she really think that it should be the way she tells her that Jaejun was interested in her and they actually broke up because of her? She doubted that Ara had no idea what was going on. Even if she really didn’t know, she should have called her to ask her about it, offer that she would listen to her rumblings or suggest watching a romantic movie and cursing all males who were living on this planet.

That’s what they used to do when they had still been best friends. They had been close ever since Luda’s family had moved next door when they had both been little kids. As Ara had been the only girl who had been her age in the neighbourhood, they had had no chance but to play together and the afternoons spent together at the playground had eventually grown into friendship. Ever since the day Ara had been forced to bring cookie to welcome the new neighbours and Luda had been the one to open the door for her, they had been inseparable. High school hadn’t been an obstacle either, they had been just as close – if not closer – as they used to be during their teenage years.

Then, university had come. Two years ago, they had both been accepted at the Seoul National University, therefore they had had to move to the capital. As they couldn’t find a flat which would be able to accommodate both of them, they had to be separated for the first time in their lives. They couldn’t even speak as much as they wanted to since Ara had started studying Korean History while Luda had started studying English Literature. Their time schedules had been different but she wouldn’t say that they had drifted apart. Their relationship had risen to a higher level, a more mature one. It had been a healthy change, an essential one. It hadn’t been until she had started dating Jaejun that things had also started to change between the two girls.

She shook her head fervently at the thought. She didn’t want to think about it. Her mind was already twisted, it was like a living monster. There was that tiny voice in her head that tried its best to persuade her that she wasn’t enough and that’s why people left her. That voice was born when the words had slipped through Jaejun’s mouth.

After that, there was no turning back, it was a constant companion. Although only a weekend passed, it came back again and again. It didn’t win over her, not yet. But whenever she saw a kissing couple on the streets, a flower that she used to get from Jaejun or his favourite fast food place where he hang out most of the time, she couldn’t help but feel worthless.

She couldn’t even bring herself to eat, the thought was sometimes so loud that she even lost her appetite. Other times, she would eat a delicious strawberry cupcake, just to forget about him. At that time, she was still in control of herself, her food and her life. The voice was born but it was still a baby.

“I hate Monday mornings,” she murmured under her breath as she made her way to the bathroom.

“You are not alone with that,” a raspy voice hollered from the opposite room. It was Luda’s flatmate – Inna – who was an early bird, even when she didn’t need to get up early for her classes. She was one year older than her and the flat that she rented was actually Inna’s father’s. They got on pretty well, although they didn’t talk a lot.

“Good to hear that,” she commented and a chuckle made its way past her lips as she stepped into the bathroom.

It took her 20 minutes to get changed and be ready to face the inevitable. She grabbed some baked goods – her favourite handmade, buttery croissants - and a cup of hot chocolate on her way to the university, making sure that she would get enough energy until lunch. She had decided to cut back on her snack time previously between breakfasts and lunch because she didn’t have the time to eat them due to her busy schedule. Plus, she convinced herself that it was only a habit that she started when she was still a secondary school student, so she wouldn’t need those extra calories anymore. But breakfast was breakfast and she adored croissants, she couldn’t imagine her mornings without some pastry accompanied by a hot drink. 

Of course, as time went by, it all changed.

“Luda, can we talk?”

The voice that she didn’t want to hear actually called her name. At first, she assumed that it was all in her head but when she turned around to look for its owner, she almost literally bumped into Ara.

“I’m sorry, I’m a bit busy now,” she made an attempt to excuse herself because the thought of having a chat with Ara made her stomach churn with worry. “Can’t we talk a bit later?” she motioned with a forced smile plastered on her face but actually, she didn’t want to talk to her. Not then, not later, not ever. If she really wanted to talk to her, she should have called her already.

“Okay.” The other girl nodded in submission and her reaction caught her off-guard. Was it that easy to get rid of her? “How about we grab something at Starbucks later? They say they have a new cheesecake that you can’t miss out on,” she chattered gleefully as if there hadn’t been a single thing that she should be ashamed of.

Luda felt a need to outright laugh at her but instead, she was merely disgusted. How could she have ever spent time with a girl like Ara? How could she have ever see her as someone kind, caring and sympathetic? Her so-called best friend couldn’t even see that she wanted nothing more than to evaporate and never see her pretty face again.

“Actually, I have−”

“I’ll see you at 5 then. At our usual table.” Ara winked at her and swiftly scampered away before Luda could even have the chance to protest. A huff of air left her nose in disbelief. She couldn’t believe that Ara was so blind. So adamant. So annoying.

So perfect. So flawless. So pretty. So skinny.

Small wonder how she could find herself in the closest Starbucks an hour later, waiting for Ara to arrive. She impatiently looked at the clock but she immediately wished that she didn’t. 20 minutes had passed since her best friend should have arrived and she was nowhere in sight. Not to mention that the seconds passed by more and more slowly and she was already fed up with waiting. After all, she wasn’t the one who wanted this conversation and now she was the one who was there? What kind of absurd situation she had gotten herself into?

As soon as she made up her mind and stood up, Ara beamingly plunked herself down in the seat in front of her.

“Sorry, I’m late, I know. I’ve just had a talk with one of the guys at campus and−” she explained hurriedly, using large gestures to indicate her truth. Luda didn’t feel like listening to her excuse, so she cut her off.

“Was it Jaejun?”

“What?” Ara’s eyes widened in surprise but her astonishment slowly turned into something else. It was fear.

“I asked if that guy was Jaejun.”

“Uhm, well,” she hesitated, scratching the back of her neck sheepishly, a bit torn between the idea of lying to her best friend or telling her truth, even though she was perfectly aware of the fact that it would her hurt, if not breaking her heart. “Yeah, it was him,” she admitted ashamedly. She averted her eyes elsewhere but Luda’s face because she couldn’t bear the apparent disappointment showing on her face.

“Of course.” She couldn’t help but scoff. “Who else would it be?” Luda muttered but her best friend could still hear it perfectly well. She didn’t care anymore, it wasn’t like she didn’t have the right to be angry at her.

“I wanted to tell you, Luda. I really wanted to but I just couldn’t find the appropriate time to say it. It’s not something that I should tell you in the middle of the busy corridors.”

“You’re right. It’s not,” she agreed fervently. She had to remind herself again and again to keep her composure in check and never show her real feelings. Never say her real thoughts out loud, the ones that were kept in the deepest forests of her heart, nourished by the voice in her head. They were raw and merciless. They were already tearing her apart. “But you had the weekend for that. I bet you knew that we broke up with Jaejun on Friday, so you should have given me a call by now. Yet, you didn’t,” she pointed it out in a small voice.

“I know and I’m sorry. I really am. But… you know, it’s not an easy thing to talk about,” Ara admitted bashfully, her words barely audible.

Luda wanted to laugh scornfully, but she couldn’t. She wouldn’t. After all, she had never showed her proper feelings not to hurt anyone, so how could this time be any different? She felt the need to punch a wall though. Hearing that it wasn’t an easy thing to talk about was the biggest lie she had ever heard. Ara used to handle situations like this so well. Even when she had kissed Luda’s first boyfriend while they were hads till been dating, she had confessed to her the moment it had happened. She hadn’t even blinked, she hadn’t even hesitated. So, what exactly had changed since then?

“We didn’t mean to fall in love,” her best friend protested. She bit her lower lip, a habit that she still couldn’t get rid of when she was embarrassed despite her overflowing confidence. “It just… somehow happened on the way.”

“It just somehow happened?” Luda repeated, not believing her ears. What nonsense was she babbling about? Falling in love with your best friend’s boyfriend can just happen on the way? Rubbish! “Since when did you two have a thing? Since the party at Taehyung’s?” she raised her eyebrows in question, the rage underlying behind her actions.

Ara gulped. She wasn’t ready for such hardships. She thought that it would go smoothly, Luda being as sympathetic as ever, and she wouldn’t have to worry about the consequences of falling in love with Jaejun. It seemed that it wasn’t as easy as she had initially planned.

“Yeah, actually, it was then when we first realised that we like each other and we wanted to tell you. I swear.”

“It was already a month ago!” Luda croaked, her voice a bit raspy. “If you had said something then, it wouldn’t hurt so much now. Maybe you could have actually saved me from Jaejun’s horrible comparing.”

“I’m sorry. I know he thinks that I’m a goddess or something but I didn’t ask him to compare you to me,” Ara emphasised the fact but to no avail. Her best friend merely rolled her eyes at her and huffed furiously. She decided that it was enough for her. If Luda was playing dirty, so would she. She assumed that the epitome of goodness and purity would also forget her sin and let her get away with it – like she always did before – but it turned out that things were different now. Maybe Luda grew up after all. “And you have to admit that it’s pretty childish to get so worked up about his words. He said the mere facts. I can’t do anything about the fact that we are different in so many ways. Like I’m outgoing or skinny and you’re not.”

The sentence was left hanging in the air for a moment. Luda would swear that she heard her heart breaking into dozens of pieces. She was already bleeding on the battlefield, why would Ara make things even more painful?

“I’ve had enough,” Luda mumbled under her nose hastily and rose from her seat but Ara emulated her reaction in an instant.

“I didn’t mean that you are fat. You are at a normal weight and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just that you always take it to heart when people comment on your appearance and I think you shouldn’t.”

Although it wasn’t meant to be rude, she felt like a bullet was sent to her heart. That’s what you wanted to hear, right? You are at a normal weight. But doesn’t normal equal fat? What do you think so? Doesn’t it sound like an insult to you? It was supposed to be a reassurance, so why do you think of it as something bad? Because you know she’s lying. She always did, you just pretended to believe them. After all, it’s still better to believe in lies than in nothing, right?

Luda needed a few moments to regain her composure and act as calm as possible. Her parents had always told her that it was better to remain composed even during arguments, so she tried her best to live up to their words.

“I don’t want to see you again,” Luda announced as she gritted her teeth in annoyance. She didn’t care that people took notice of her behaviour and threw looks at her. It wasn’t her who was the best guy in this story, and no matter how much her best friend wanted to make her stay by grabbing onto her wrist, she yanked her hand away from Ara’s. She really didn’t want to see her again.

When she stepped out of the busy place, the air felt suffocating. She felt like she was drowning and waves were crashing above her head. She couldn’t do anything to help her to the surface. She was already meters beneath the reality and she constantly got further and further away from help. Who was still there to save her?

I am here. And I will never leave your side. I promise that.

We’ve only just gotten started.

The days were slower and the nights were longer than Luda would have liked it. She was constantly in a war, both with the people in her life and both with her own feelings. 

Deep down, she could understand why Jaejun had dumped her to choose Miss Perfect Park Ara over her. Really, she could. Ara was the epitome of flawlessness; she was skinny and pretty, she had a great sense of humour, she was so talkative that she could easily chat with anyone for hours, not to mention her bubbly and free personality. Everyone seemed to like her, she pulled people closer like a magnet. She fancied going out, she was literally a social butterfly but her heart always belonged to those who were the closest to her. In a nutshell, she was perfect.

Compared to her, what was she? A waste of space, to say the least. She was never as outgoing as her best friend, she rather enjoyed quiet nights spent at home with a cup of hot chocolate and a good book. She never considered herself funny, nor talkative. She wasn’t skinny either and to make matters worse, everyone made sure to emphasise that fact, too. She was certain that she wasn’t pretty and it didn’t even help when she replaced her glasses with contact lenses. Not to mention that she had tiny little freckles on her face and she had a scar on her chin which was still visible, even though she got it when she had been only 5. In a nutshell, she was the total opposite of Ara.

You were never enough. It’s time to change it. Now, you can be enough. Just lose some pounds and you’ll see it. You’ll feel better and people will like you. You will be more confident and you will start loving yourself. Trust me, I will help you.

She trusted that voice in her head. If she was able to prove herself that she was better than this, she would certainly be happier. After all, when someone is happy with herself, others will be happy when they are around her, right?

With that thought in mind, it wasn’t hard to make a change. She joined a gym near her flat and went there twice a week to do some fat-burning exercises. At university, she attended aerobics classes that she enjoyed whole-heartedly but she assumed that it wouldn’t be enough. Plus, those hours at the gym with sweating and pushing herself to her limits helped to distract her for a while. No more Jaejun, no more Ara. Just her mind and her body. The voice even encouraged her and it was kind of motivating. She did something for herself to help to move on and she truly enjoyed it. She took care of herself and her health, it was about nothing else at that time. She wanted to lose a couple of pounds but it was only an acceptable choice, not a life-threatening one.

It was after another exhausting session at the gym when she bumped into her handsome stranger again. She was sitting on the same bus, at the same spot, with different days behind her but with the same old feelings: hopelessness, loneliness and void. Although only two weeks passed, she was already trapped in a cage. Of course, without her or anyone else knowing. It was still a healthy way to approach heartbreak and major changes in life. It wasn’t an obsession. Not yet.

She was totally immersed into her thoughts when someone sat down beside her and started talking to her.

“Same bus, same time,” the voice called out and she had no choice but to turn her head to see who it was. Even without looking at him, she would have guessed that it was Jin, although they had met only once. He had a characteristically warm and soothing voice, she could easily identify it from thousands of other ones.

“Oh, Jin!” Luda’s eyes lit up brightly when their eyes met and Seokjin couldn’t even be happier. “It’s so good to see you. How are you?” she inquired curiously, her weariness from before totally disappearing thanks to the mere presence of the boy.

“I’m fine, thank you. And you?”

“I’m okay, thanks,” she stated with a radiant smile on her face. She felt so much better now that someone was beside her and that someone was Kim Seokjin himself. Last time, he had done so much for her, she wanted to properly thank him but didn’t have the chance since she had to get off before him. Now, it seemed that it was fate that they could meet again, therefore she didn’t want to let her chance slip away.

“Are you really okay?” Jin’s grin vanished in an instant and his expression became solemn again. His honey-like voice was laced with worry, his toffee-brown eyes filled with millions of shining stars, the ones that were her source of reassurance. They were sparkling, bathing in his affectionate and pouring her with love. Every time she looked into them, she felt like she was at a safe haven. He was her safe haven.

“Yes, really.” She nodded with an honest yet tired smile. During the last two weeks, she had been thinking a lot about her life and her choices – let it be her relationships, career goals and important milestones – and although she still wasn’t 100% over the break-up and the quarrel with Ara, she made a significant progress. 

“Are you sure?” Jin suspiciously raised an eyebrow at her and not even a hint of mockery was present in his diamond-like orbs. “You can tell me if something’s wrong,” he offered gently, making her wonder how a guy like him could be real.

He wasn’t her relative, nor a friend, he was basically a nobody to her. Yet, he still kept in mind that last time she had been under the weather and wanted to make sure that she was better now. Her heart leaped a bit thanks to his thoughtfulness.

“Yes, I’m totally sure.” Luda nodded more and more fervently until Jin finally seemed convinced. Then, she shook her head in disbelief but couldn’t hide a smile that was creeping onto her face. 

Seokjin was a literal angel for remembering the fact that she had been utterly devastated the last time they had met. Not all boys would act the same as him after such a first encounter but he was different. He didn’t even know that Jaejun had dumped her but he still offered to be her crying pillow. She couldn’t express how thankful she really was.

“But I couldn’t properly say thank you last time, so let me say it now.”

“No, no, you don’t have to,” the young man immediately cut her off but she would have lied if she had said that she wasn’t prepared for a similar reaction.

“No, really, I would like to say a massive thank you because you helped me a lot. I was going through a pretty hard time and you could cheer me up, so I’m really thankful,” Luda said it anyway because she was just too adamant to already give up. She was fed up with hiding her emotions and not saying out loud what she really wanted to say. After all, that was what partly led to her relationships falling apart. The other reason was that she was blind; she couldn’t see the signs in time. To be precise, she didn’t want to see the signs. “Is there a way that I can pay you back?”

“Oh no, you really don’t have to.” Jin shook his head. “I was happy that I could be there. It would have been a shame to let anyone sob silently in the back of the bus,” he casually confessed, making her totally baffled. She felt her cheeks heating up a bit and she would swear that her face was tinted pink, if not scarlet-red.

“Still, I feel like I have to thank you somehow,” she played the headstrong little girl who wouldn’t give up for the world but she really wanted to do something for him. Maybe they won’t meet again and she would feel just as ashamed as she did after they had first encountered. She had to seize the opportunity now. “I insist. Let me buy you a coffee or something. Then, you can leave me if you want but please, let me do it for you.”

She almost pleaded and Seokjin must have felt sorry for her because he gave in only a blink of an eye.

“Okay, I’m in. I can’t say no to such a great offer.” Jin clapped his hands in excitement and an enthusiastic grin was making its way onto his face. He was naturally attractive but when he smiled like that… oh no, Luda had a hard time keeping her composure in check. “One of my friends actually has a café just around the corner if you wish to give it a try,” he suggested and she couldn’t have anything against his idea. She mentally patted her shoulder because she had decided to take a bath at the gym’s bathroom before he bumped into Jin and didn’t want to get home to get changed. Now, it would be embarrassing to go out with her in her casual training clothes and sweaty body.

As there was really nothing that she could come up with, she gave him a thumbs-up and they headed to the café of Seokjin’s friend’s.

The Hope Café was a pretty, cosy place with lots of radiant colours, the walls decorated with breathtaking pictures from all around the world, classical jazz music playing in the background and grinning waiters and waitresses running back and forth.

At first, Luda was actually taken aback. It was nothing like the good old Starbucks with its highly modernised facilities, that typical green and brown interior design and annoyed stuff who were angry when someone wasn’t speaking loud enough. It was different yet refreshing. It felt a bit like home.

“Oh, Jin! You finally brought your girlfriend! How lovely!”

A joyful male voice hollered from behind the cash register and started walking towards them. He was a guy at around their age with average height, a casual, boy-next-door look and a happy vibe. She had never seen such a wide smile before, he smiled like he didn’t have any problems and everything was fine and unicorns still existed. He seemed so at ease.

Upon hearing his remark, she couldn’t cover up her bafflement. What? Did he just mention the word ‘girlfriend’? Oh no, he might have mistaken her for someone else! Even if it would mean that Seokjin had a girlfriend, she still wanted to clarify herself but Jin was faster than her.

“Actually, she’s not my girlfriend,” the young man explained with an apologetic smile while his friend pouted a bit, his smile wavering.

“You usually don’t bring girls here, so I thought that maybe, you finally got one for yourself,” he explained with sad puppy eyes but clapped his hands in the next moment. “Never mind, I’m happy that you decided to bring her here and I will make sure to keep her entertained.” He playfully winked at her, the russet-brown haired guy merely rolling his eyes in response. “I’m Jung Hoseok, by the way. I’m Jin’s friend and flatmate,” he turned to face Luda and offered a handshake. She took it without hesitation and made an attempt to give an introduction without making a fool out of herself.

“I’m Choi Luda. I’m−” she started speaking but closed her mouth shut when she realised that she had no idea how to define their relationship. They weren’t even friends, maybe not even acquaintances. But then, what were they?

“We met a few weeks ago on the bus when I tried to console her because she seriously looked like she needed company. Today, we also bumped into each other when we took the same bus and she wanted to thank me for what I had done last time, so she wanted to get me a coffee. Then, I mentioned visiting your café and she said yes.”

“You are at the best place for hot drinks, I can guarantee that!” Hoseok announced gleefully, making a casually passing by customer slightly jump in surprise. “We have the best ones in Seoul and we have such a wide range, I’m certain that your jaw will drop at the sight of our menu. Here, just take a look!” He shove a menu into her hands and while searching through all the drinks and snacks mentioned on the paper, Luda came to realise that Hoseok was right. 

They indeed had a wide range of goodies offered. They even had their own unique and quite creative names – like the hot chocolate made from white chocolate and topped with whipped cream and nuts called as the Lovely White Cloud or the triple-chocolate brownie with vanilla ice cream called as the Chocolate Monster and his Sweet Vanilla – that she couldn’t help but boost a smile at such an extraordinary concept.

“So, what do you want?” Hoseok inquired after a minute or so of her examining the menu, the tiny voice in her head reminding her of the calories in those sweet desserts and drinks.

You need to work out tomorrow to compensate for your little cheating. Even though it’s only once in a while, you still can’t let go of control. You just can’t. If you do, you know you will be more miserable. If you hadn’t let things go in their way, you wouldn’t have gotten yourself into this horrible situation. Not letting go of control is the key.

“Ladies first!” Seokjin immediately flashed a smile and looked at her patiently, although she assumed that he had already tried all of the different variations since it was his friend’s café.

“Then, I would like to have a cup of Caramel Dream with the Strawberry&Lemon Rendez-vous,” she decided, trying to shake the unwanted thoughts off and focusing on the present instead of worrying about what would happen to her body if she drank and ate all she had ordered before.

A moment later, Jin also gave his order, and so Hoseok disappeared like he hadn’t even been there in the first place and they sat down at a window-table. Seokjin was a real gentleman, not only did he help her with her coat and put both of their clothes on the coat rack but he also pulled out her chair before seating himself. And they weren’t even in a fancy restaurant but a cosy café!

“Hoseok seems like a nice guy,” Luda commented after thanking him for his kindness because she was still taken aback by the fact that Jung Hoseok was literally a ray of sunshine. She had never met anyone like him before.

“He’s a great guy. Small wonder he’s my friend.”

“How did you two meet?” she asked curiously, resting her elbows on the table and chin in her hands. The russet-brown haired guy was more than happy to answer her question and slowly, without them realising, their conversation went on and on. 

As time went by, it wasn’t a nervous tip-toeing anymore and they didn’t only talk about the cliché topics that people bring up on their second encounter. But of course, they talked about hobbies, friends, family and studies as well. Luda’s jaw dropped when she actually learned that Seokjin was studying Art History and he wished to be either a curator or a teacher. In his free time, he loved to do sketches and little drawings but he made sure to let her know that he wasn’t good, he merely enjoyed it. She asked him to let her see at least one of his works and she whined until he didn’t give in.

The more they talked, the better she could suppress that little voice in her head. At first, it was screaming at her when her strawberry-lemon cheesecake and caramel-flavoured hot chocolate arrived but she ignored it. She had such a fun time with Seokjin that she totally forgot about the voice’s warning and she could fully enjoy herself. The guy was a fun and lovable companion, she laughed so much and it was for real. She didn’t have to force a smile, neither pretend to be interested because she was obviously interested. There was still so much she wanted to know about him!

Sadly, the hours flew by so quickly that it was already time to go home. Seokjin insisted on taking her home but she needed to do some grocery shopping, so she had to say no to his offer.

“Maybe next time,” she tried to cheer him up with a reassuring smile as they were walking down the streets to his bus stop. The stars in the boy’s toffee-brown eyes immediately lit up.

“So, is there a next time?” He raised his eyebrows in question, his tone a bit cautious. Luda tried her best to hide her embarrassment because she didn’t intend to be obvious, the words just slipped out of her mouth. Nevertheless, there was no use of crying over spilled milk, the words already said out loud.

“I guess.”

“Great!” Seokjin slightly jumped in delight and his adorable reaction triggered a joyful laugh from her, quietly leaving her rosy-coloured lips. “How about next Friday?” he inquired excitedly. She was pretty sure that she didn’t have anything scheduled for next Friday, so she agreed but they exchanged numbers just to make sure.

“Then, I’ll see you next Friday,” Seokjin waved as he was hopping on the bus and Luda happily waved back.

“Next Friday,” she repeated and watched as his bus was getting further and further away. As a goodbye present, she got another flying kiss from him. From that moment on, he couldn’t stop smiling until her way back to her flat.

The good feelings went away quickly, and no matter how hard Luda tried, she couldn’t forget about that piece of cake and that hot chocolate. She thought that she shouldn’t have let herself indulge in treats like this because if she did so once, then how many would follow? When would she be able to stop? Maybe others could do it, but she couldn’t. She needed to take control over her life, she needed to take control over herself or else the world would take control over her, and she would never ever let that happen again.

So she listened to the voice in her head, telling her to cut back here and there, her grocery list reducing when she next went to buy food for herself and her thoughts more and more occupied with food and exercising and calories. She started tracking the calories she consumed - both edible and drinkable forms -, so that it could give her a sense of control, so that she could feel like she could monitor what was going on in her life.

It did actually give her a sense of satisfaction, to know exactly what and how much she consumed, and she felt happy, content, joyful even because she thought that it could work. The voice in her head prompted her, motivated her to keep going, so eventually when she went to meet Jin the next Friday, she only drank a cup of hot tea, telling him that she had eaten before, so she was fine. He seemed to believe her, and it was just so easy to get away with it, she felt almost thrilled.

Besides, Jin was a lovely guy. He was very understanding, had a sense of humour she had definitely needed since her break-up and drifting apart from Ara too, and he always had such funny stories to tell, it was insane. She listened to his stories attentively, genuinely smiling and laughing along with him, the fact that she was skipping out on her lunch long forgotten. He was a good company, he could even make her forget about not eating, and it was alright.

She couldn’t quite know what to expect from that encounter though because she wasn’t sure that she could be interesting enough for Jin, so that he would want to meet her again, but eventually, he did so, and they agreed that they would meet again next time when both of their schedules would allow them to do so. As both of them were diligent university students at different universities and having different majors, they were bound to have clashing schedules, but they made it work and stayed in contact through messaging each other.

She had to admit that his food pictures were a bit triggering though, but she tried to go with usual lines such as ‘looks good’ and ‘hope you enjoy your food’ instead of commenting what they contained and how much calories he would consume by eating those. Eventually, she found herself looking up labels for the ingredients and nutrition lists and she looked up countless websites, searching for the best possible combinations of food that could help her by eating less.

Apart from going to the gym, looking up such facts took up most of her time, so she didn’t have more time to spend on her hobbies because she needed to study as well and work on assignments. She didn’t care though; as long as she could make sure that she was aware what she was doing to her body, it would be alright. It would be just a phase anyway, right?

The voice didn’t leave her. In fact, it became stronger and stronger as time went by, becoming her only friend after Ara had messed up their friendship so badly. Luda couldn’t tell whether she was glad or disappointed that the other girl didn’t even try to contact her after she had told her that she wouldn’t want to see her again, but it was how it was nevertheless, and losing a childhood best friend so abruptly definitely had its impact on her. She started feeling suffocated around strangers, always seeking out what flaws they could point out in her, and always questioning their motives. She didn’t want to fall into the same trap she had done so with Ara and Jaejun, but it meant that she didn’t even want to let anyone close to her. At least, not so soon.

The seed of doubt had been planted in her when it came to Jin as well, but they had already agreed on a time and a place for their next encounter, so she didn’t want to let him down, and she wanted to see if it would work out with her situation because Jin was really a great guy, and she couldn’t help but think that he was being genuine whenever he was around her, but she couldn’t tell anymore. She had thought the same about Ara and Jaejun as well, and look where she ended up at.

However, meeting Jin was really like the highlight of her day and the weeks behind her, the constant anxiousness and doubtful thoughts burying her joy and making her wary of meeting others. Though with Jin, it was almost easy to forget about her hardships because they could talk about so many things including her not so good relationship with her parents, the perks of sharing his flat with someone else, his newfound love for cooking or even just the bookstores she liked visiting in Seoul. They didn’t talk only about university, and it made her feel like so much more than just someone who wanted to be a straight A student to prove everyone that she was worthy and that she was a good person.

On the other hand, he picked up the fact that she hadn’t ordered any food, only a glass of still water and inquired the reason behind it. Luda tried to put on her best, most convincing smile when she spoke up.

“I’m not hungry.” She shook her head, lying, so that he wouldn’t ask about her way of eating. He probably wouldn’t understand anyway. It was just her and the voice. They were the ones knowing what it was about.

“Are you okay?” Jin kept insisting though, his mesmerizing, toffee-brown eyes searching for confirmation in her own orbs. She almost felt bad for telling him a fib when he looked like that. When he looked like he really cared about her. “You look a bit pale and sick. Are you coming down with something?” he inquired gently, even lowering his voice as if it could be a secret, but she just shrugged off his question. She had lost weight, but it was alright. She was doing well, she thought that she was the healthiest she had ever been.

“Oh, it’s just usual uni stress,” she reasoned casually, and while it was partly true, it was also partly a lie. The university workload did contribute to her perfectionism acting up even more, but she was managing well so far, she had performed really well on her tests and presentations so far, so she got it. But it needed to stay the same, so that she would feel okay.

“Okay, then. Let me know though if anything’s up. I may not be as good of a listener as my psychologist friend, but I’m here to listen if it’s about anything,” Jin chattered, his shoulders slumping in ease. He probably believed her words from the way he looked back at her, and even though she was thankful, she didn’t know if it was a good thing.

So even if he emptied his plate and mug and she left the empty glass of the still water on the table, he didn’t seem to want to pressure the topic anymore, and she was glad. She almost felt like as if she had been caught when she hadn’t been doing anything wrong in the first place.

Or at least, she didn’t think so, and that was the worst out of all; that she was no longer herself and she was no longer able to tell what was good and bad for her.

Weeks went by and then a month and then another month, and Luda found herself finding excuses to meet Jin because even just the thought of going out and feeling the pressure to eat the foods with unknown calories scared her so much that she would not only stick to her own safe foods that she knew the calories of, but she wouldn’t go to her favourite bakery either or go to group work meetings when it took place at a bar or restaurant, and she wouldn’t go out and eat because food was there, and she needed to know what and when and how much she would eat, so she could keep track of it alongside her weight.

It slowly became like a habit; weighing herself in the morning and at night, and sometimes during the day when she felt like she needed to and the voice prompted her to do so. She always had a mixed reaction whenever she saw the numbers on the scale because she might have been losing weight, but she never felt like it was enough or it was good. If it went up, then she would cut back even more, but even if the number went down, she would cut back as well. Because it was kind of satisfying to see how her efforts paid off, and how she really got it under control. She might not be able to control anything else from her own family to her ex-boyfriend or best friend, but she could control this. And it felt good.

The more time passed, the less she could exercise though because after failing a test, something in her broke, and she decided to spend the time in the gym on studying, so that she wouldn’t fall behind and end with a bad grade. She couldn’t afford to do so, she just couldn’t! She was a straight A student! What would her parents think? Would they compare her to Ara again? Would they compare her to her little sister again? What would her teachers think? She was better than this, she was so much better.

So having more time to spend on studying, she actually had more time to think about food because it really became constant; thinking about what and when and how much to eat. It was always going through her head, reminding her of her goals, and when she felt hungry between her planned meal times, she tried to suppress her hunger by drinking huge amounts of water or chewing bubble gums.

What was interesting though that now that Jin couldn’t even see her, it was only her flatmate - Inna - who could see her from time to time and inquire about her well-being. Though after listening to her worrying questions twice, Luda started hiding her body in baggy clothes, so that no one could see if she had gained or lost weight, only her and that ugly, judging mirror in her room that laughed at her every single night when all she could still see was fat. Would it ever be enough? The image looking back from the mirror?

As much as Inna was kind, Luda couldn’t appreciate her acts, not anymore.

“Look what I’ve found in the store today!” Inna announced as she entered their flat and Luda was just passing by with a glass of water in her hands. Again. She didn’t know anymore how much she had already drank, but probably not enough for the way she could still not suppress her hunger.

The girl then proceeded to show her the little bottled liquid with a wide smile.

“Your favourite brand! I know you’ve said a while ago that you couldn’t find it, but now I found it at this corner store not far from my uni,” Inna explained beamingly, and she reached out the bottle to Luda, watching as she hesitantly took it.

“Thank you, but you shouldn’t have done so,” she remarked with a forced smile. She wanted to tell her that she wouldn’t drink the chocolate milk anyway because it wouldn’t fit into her daily calories and food rules, but Inna’s wide smile stopped her from saying anything like that.

“Oh come on! You immediately came to my mind when I saw this, so drink it well!” Her flatmate suggested kindly before disappearing into the kitchen to pack out the other groceries she had gotten from the store.

Luda looked at the bottle in her hands, her heart wanting to drink it so desperately and her stomach even grumbling at the sight, but she couldn’t do it, not when the voice said otherwise. It wasn’t part of her plans, she couldn’t consume it, it would mess up everything, and then she would be out of control yet again. She couldn’t do so. Not anymore.

So she retreated into her room, closed the door behind her and put the glass of water on her table and threw the bottle of choco milk into her trash bin. She had to get rid of it as soon as possible.

Winter arrived quickly and with that, the snowy and windy weather became more and more prominent, forcing Luda to dress as warmly as possible, but the cold didn’t seem to go away. No matter how many layers she wore or if she had the heat on or not, she was cold. Always. Looking down at her bluish fingers and the remains of bloody patches reminding her of how the skin had come off there before, she told herself that it must have been because it was a particularly extreme winter, and she had always been a bit sensitive to cold, so maybe it was just worse this time.

She could put up with it, she tried to do so. The voice told her that she was strong enough for that, so she pulled through, applied body lotion and hand creams ever so frequently, but they didn’t seem to help a lot. Not as much as she had thought so, but it was fine, she reassured herself, hoping for the winter season to go away quickly.

Soon, the cold didn’t seem that outstanding anymore. It had become a part of her very much long and very much uneventful days. The same happened day by day; going to lectures, studying, measuring food, writing down calories, stepping on the scale to weigh herself, drinking excessive amount of water to suppress her hunger, and waiting for the day to end, so that she could go to sleep even if it meant tossing and turning in bed most of the time. She sometimes woke up in the middle of the night, feeling ravenous, and she sometimes couldn’t even close her eyes. The daylight had become just as much of a nightmare as her nights, sheddings of hair on her pillow welcoming her every single morning.

She convinced herself though that she was doing okay, she was exercising well despite being more and more out of breath whenever she wanted to exercise or even just walking the stairs, and she was eating foods that were said to be healthy, she just controlled what she ate. She didn’t care how much she needed to lie or how many occasions she needed to turn down if it meant that she could stick to her own routine and be in control of her actions.

Seokjin also inquired if she wanted to meet up before Christmas, and Luda didn’t know why, but she was so frustrated at how he still tried to cling onto her. She couldn’t get it, he was just too good and too perfect for her, why would someone like him want to spend time with someone like her?

“Sorry. I haven’t told you, but the day you met me, I was crying because my boyfriend  broke up with me. I need time and space to move on and focus on myself. Please, understand.”

It was her way of saying that she had no idea why he would want to meet her again and to separate him from herself because that wouldn’t end well anyway. She didn’t trust others as much as before, but she didn’t know if she could even trust herself anymore. What had changed though? Life had been so cruel to her, she had it altogether, and then everything had fallen apart.

“I’m sorry to hear that. Of course, I’ll let you have your space and time. You can reach out to me anytime you want to though. I’m here if you just need someone to talk to,” said Jin through a message, and no matter how kind it seemed, Luda didn’t want to reply to it anymore. She just wanted to put everything in the past, and live day by day, obeying the rules of the voice in her head.

Inna was the only one who seemed genuinely worried about her, and who asked if she was feeling okay, but Luda had already become accustomed to lying people and convincing them that she was already over Jaejun and doing well. She was eating, she said, it was just the stress, she said. She couldn’t tell them how overwhelming it was if she couldn’t do what the voice told her to do so, how much she felt out of control. She couldn’t, she couldn’t let it happen again. She couldn’t disappoint others and herself. She needed to be strong.

However, with her semester over and the excuse to go home during the short winter break, she was almost obligated to go home between her semesters, and she couldn’t have been more frustrated.

She had never been on good terms with her family, they had always expected so much of her and belittled her efforts, and no matter how much she tried to live up to their expectations, she had never gotten genuine feedback. It was expected of you, her parents said, show a good example to your little sister, they said. When she had messed up something (anything), then came the questions why and how it could have happened.  

She always looked up to her parents and she was always grateful for what they had given her, but they had never been there for her emotionally, and she felt so alone even if they were around her. She had always tried to deny it, telling everyone just how much of a loving family she had, but they had never really listened to her, all the attention went to her little sister, and she was just expected to do well.

So to be controlled by them in another way - them telling her what to eat -, she felt out of control again, and it showed. She barely left her room saying that she needed to take care of something for her next semester which was a blatant lie, but they wouldn’t care anyway as long as she had gotten good grades and they could show her off as an example of their perfect parenting.

Only meal times were a struggle this way, but they were literal hell. She didn’t eat carbs, so she left out the side dishes and noodles they had prepared and indeed opted for the vegetables and other garnishes, hoping that they wouldn’t notice, having perfectly mastered the art of cutting her food into little pieces, drinking a lot between bites and eating slowly, so that it would seem like she took a long time to eat because she had eaten a lot. Usually, it had worked.

However, this time, her mother couldn’t let it go.

“Why are you picking on your food?” The woman looked at her after basically monitoring what she had been doing, just because she had no other topic to focus on because Luda’s little sister wasn’t talkative this time either. She was preparing for her senior year exams diligently, and the closer the date was, the more after school activities she had, so she was more tired than usually.

Luda took in a deep breath and answered without even thinking of telling them the truth. The lie slipped through as easily as if it would have been the truth. She almost believed it herself.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Is it because of Jaejun? Do you want to appeal to him by not eating?” Her father asked firmly, making her furrow her eyebrows in question. Really? That was the first question he could have asked? Doing it to appeal to a boy? Her ex-boyfriend out of all? It had already been difficult for her to tell her family the truth, but to take advantage of her honesty this way?

“Do you think I’m that kind of girl?” Luda scoffed, her voice raised due to the frustration that was slowly building up from the inside, yet her mother was ever so quick to tell her off for raising her voice at his father.

“Luda! It was just a simple question,” she tried to reason, giving her daughter a side-glance that she took with a frown. It had always been like this; if they threw offensive remarks at her and she told her own opinion or dared to show her feelings, they would get defensive and blame her for hurting them or blame her for overreacting. On the other hand, if she tried to play it save, suddenly she was ungrateful and neutral. She had never been enough. Never.

“No, I don’t want to appeal to him or anyone,” Luda said, but what she really wanted to say was that she just wanted to have control over her life. They wouldn’t understand that though. Every single time she had been just a tiny bit sad or disappointed, they had told her to cheer up and just relax. They had never been there to listen to her worries unlike they had done so with her little sister. Because her little sister had always cried to get their attention, and it had been enough for them to listen to her. 

“You aren’t eating dinner either, mom,” Luda pointed out with an edge to her words, but her mother shrugged it off. Like everything.

“I heard it’s not good for the body,” she reasoned, almost as obviously lying as one could be, but everyone seemed to drop the topic for her mother’s sake because they knew she had never been confident in her body, and started asking Luda about her studies instead.

It was always like this; if there was nothing else to talk about, came her studies. Not the way she was feeling, not how scared or happy or content she was with how the semester had gone or if she had been looking forward to the next one. It had always been about those results and classes excluding her emotions, and that hurt the most. It felt like silently screaming whenever she was beside them and didn’t say a thing about what was going on inside.

That dinner went by horribly slowly, but even that was better than when her little sister had pointed out her weight loss when she had accidentally opened the door on Luda when she had been in the bathroom and told their parents, her mother’s only comment being:

“I wish I could have your will-power,” she mentioned almost in awe, and in that moment, Luda understood that they would never get it. Never.

Even those few days she had spent at home had been enough to make her restrict even more and compensate for eating with her family and eating those foods she hadn’t been familiar with. Going back to weighing herself and tracking her calories were more crucial than ever before, and with the new semester starting, it became like a project to her to keep pushing, to keep up with it.

She didn’t care that she isolated herself from people, she didn’t care that she was always feeling cold despite winter turning into spring and spring turning into summer, having trouble sleeping, having a huge set of rigid rules when it came to foods and she was obsessively trying to follow those, she didn’t care her period hadn’t come for months, she didn’t care her hair was falling out, her nails were brittle, her skin was dry and bloody patches covered the surface because she convinced herself that she was the healthiest she had ever been. She didn’t care about the symptoms even if they were there because she thought that they were just temporary and had nothing to do with the way she was eating.

She kept going with whatever the voice wanted from her even though it didn’t feel like a friend anymore. If anything, it was an abusive one. An authoritative one. Nothing was ever enough for the voice either, but then again, when had she been ever enough for people? That voice was just another voice she couldn’t please, so she kept trying and trying until that voice seemed to have won.

Luda didn’t know how it happened, once she felt a bit dizzy while walking from her room to the bathroom and she felt her legs going weak and darkness embracing her and then the next thing she saw was light and blinding lamps, white walls and a doctor in a gown beside her. He kept asking her questions after saying that her pulse was dangerously low, and whenever she didn’t want to answer, Inna was there to answer what she knew of.

Luda kind of figured out that she must have fainted and it had been Inna who had called the ambulance, but she didn’t understand why was she still there, so she let Inna speak, and when the food topic came up, Luda was quick to protest.

“No, I eat, really. I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been,” she tried to reason, but the doctor shook his head.

“A lot of eating disorder patients say so and end up in a hospital because they fainted from the lack of food,” he enlightened her firmly, his words truly shaking her. She glanced at Inna as well, but she only gave her a bitter smile in return. Did she believe the doctor’s words? “Eating disorders are deadly, and with your pulse, it’s a surprise you have never fainted, and it’s a miracle that your heart is still beating,” the man added neutrally, and if anything, this kind of information shook her to the core even more.

Luda tried to process what she had heard, but she couldn’t. She just couldn’t accept it. It was ridiculous. She was alive and well, wasn’t she? She was doing well, she was eating, her heart was still beating, why would she die? Why would her pulse be low? But then again, why did she feel so ashamed? As if a secret of hers had been revealed? This complexity was giving her a headache, a painful one, a really painful one. She felt like she was splitted between the voice in her head and her own voice. It was the first time she felt like this ever since that voice had been born.

“No, I don’t have an eating disorder.” She shook her head fervently, that voice in her head screaming, yelling angrily at her for ever getting there, for ever getting a doctor question what she was doing. It was angry this time, and even though it had become more and more angry lately, Luda had never felt so afraid and so ashamed at the same time. Could they… could they be right?

“I’m fine,” she continued repeating herself until the tears started flooding and she had no more strength to obey the voice, letting Inna give her a hug and tell her that she would be there for her. The voice continued screaming and blaming and pointing its finger at her, making her cry out loud even more.

She lost, she knew it. The voice had always been stronger than her, and she had lost against it.

In fact, she had been losing ever since it had been born.

Everything happened so fast after the realization; a proper eating disorder specialist was assigned to her at the hospital, they ran some more health checks on her and gave her the diagnosis with guidelines for outpatient care because otherwise she would need to go inpatient and no matter what, she felt like she couldn’t give up on her studies. She was given nutritional advice and a meal plan, she was given a psychologist’s contact as well, her first appointment already settled, and by the time she left the hospital, she felt so weak and exhausted that she just wanted to sleep, but she couldn’t.

Inna was there to remind her that she should eat, and despite the fact that it was extremely difficult with that voice in her head screaming at her, she realized that she didn’t want to die. No. It had never been about wanting to die although by the end she had really felt like dying, she just wouldn’t admit it. She had felt so alone, and at least that voice had been there for her to comfort her, and it had really felt like it had become a friend. Until it hadn’t.

But no, she didn’t want to die. She might not have had a loving family or lots of friends or anything, but she still had dreams and things she wanted to accomplish, and just the thought of dying… it scared her. It scared her more than she would admit, so even if she was eating through tears, she did eat dinner that night, followed by a night of reading upon eating disorders and hers specifically - anorexia nervosa.

She indeed found articles about anorexia sufferers dying from their symptoms because their organs had stopped working properly and their hearts had stopped. It was so terrifying that Luda found herself crying again; a constant reaction ever since she had been told that she might have an eating disorder, and she had to realize that she had been holding back these tears all these time. She had never once cried ever since her break-up with Jaejun almost a year before, and it had come back all at once. She had convinced herself that she was fine and that she was doing well when really, she had never been sicker in her life, and people hadn’t even noticed. Her mother had even said that she had wished she could have her will-power, one horrible family encounter following another horrible one after that specific time.

She cried herself to sleep that night, hating the fact that things had gotten so out of control when she had been so convinced that she had been in control of her life, and hating herself, her life and that fucking voice in her head that made her feel like she couldn’t stop, but at least, she now knew that it was a problem, and if she wanted to live, she had to go against that voice.

Oh, how she wished it would have been that easy to just think that she could do it and then do it, but no. The first few days were okay, but then came the guilt and then restricting again, and then came the guilt for not eating well and then the cycle went on, eventually interrupted by the therapy sessions that did seem to help actually. At first, she was so damn scared to speak up and she just wanted to shrug it off, saying that she was doing better, she didn’t need help, but then the psychologist asked about her feelings, her real feelings, she asked about her relationships and family and childhood memories, and Luda once again had to realize that she had been deceiving herself all along.

That she had indeed never had the emotional support she had needed when she had been growing up, and that it showed in her low self-esteem, self-hatred and distorted body image. That she had always tried to suppress her feelings even when her boyfriend had dumped her and when her best friend hadn’t even wanted to confess to what had happened with Jaejun. She had tried so hard to always put others first that she had lost herself all along, her feelings buried under the pressure and her need to please others and to not hurt them, yet again triggered by what her parents had taught her, especially in relation to her younger sister.

Then again, that comparison with her younger sister and Luda not being the favourite child also came to surface, and she had never cried more than during that specific therapy session, finally seeing the situation for what it was and not just brushing it off, saying that it didn’t hurt her. Because it did, it always did. She just didn’t want to seem like an ungrateful child because she got a roof above her head, her parents paid for her tuition fees and they were doing well financially, so she couldn't have complained about those, but the emotional part… It had been lacking all along, and no matter how much she yearned for it, no matter how much she had tried to please her parents, she had always been pushed to the side as the second child.

“Eating disorders can manifest in many forms, but a lot of patients are actually silently struggling and yearning for love, acceptance and control, the people around them just wouldn’t notice or understand,” her psychologist told her when Luda apologized for crying, and the middle-aged woman tried to do everything in her power to make her feel better by telling her that it was okay to cry and what she was feeling was completely understandable.

“They never noticed. My mom even said that she wished she could have my will-power,” she admitted between sobs, getting the words out feeling a bit deliberating. She had never dared to say anything bad about her parents to others, but it felt like a wall had been broken down, and then many others followed.

The interesting thing about therapy was that after a while, Luda started getting more and more memories back as they were talking about certain topics, and it was odd, but her psychologist told her that those were the so-called repressed memories that might have been buried in the back of her mind because of the idea that her parents were perfect and that they had always been there for her when in reality they hadn’t been and these memories unlocked some hidden parts of her mind and of her hurt. Therefore, coming to terms with such situations definitely helped her to move on with her recovery, and therapy seemed useful.

Although just like with everything, there were always good and bad ones. In the beginning, there were a lot more bad days than good days, but it was because she knew that what she had been doing was wrong, and she hadn’t known before how to go against the voice, so she needed to learn it now. Not suppressing her emotions was also difficult because it was emotionally very much draining to realize just how many emotions she could feel and how overwhelming they could be.

Inna also became a great support to her, and even though Luda needed to be the one to save herself, she needed to be the one to pick up the food and eat it and deal with the emotions afterwards, having someone who had seen her at the worst, yet stayed by her side and tried to understand her was so reassuring because she knew she wasn’t alone.

“You know, I may not understand what you are going through, but anorexia is a serious mental illness, and it’s not an extreme diet like others say. So really, I’m so proud of you, and I’m always here if you need someone. Never ever think that you’re a burden,” Inna told her once when Luda was doubting why she had stayed by her side, and she gave her a thankful smile in return, but it wasn’t enough to show her gratitude. But she was trying. “I’m glad to see you smile again,” she added with a smile herself, and even though this wasn’t even a compliment, Luda felt like it was, and she felt almost teary hearing her words.

Some people seemed to be able to get why even smiling was a big thing.

Many relapses happened afterwards, and it didn’t help either that Luda’s parents didn’t think that it was more than an extreme diet and kept asking about her weight and kept telling her not to go to therapy because she didn’t have big enough of a problem, but she couldn’t care anymore. She put herself first and still pulled through with it because she knew how much she needed any help she could get and she knew it was about so much more than just food.

However, there was one person who actually came back into her life, and she was taken aback when she received a message from him, but when Jin asked if she was doing well, she found herself telling him about her mental health struggles, and told him that if he could wait a bit more, she would come out of it better Then, as someone who had a psychologist friend, Jin tried his best to support her even through messages, and eventually, they met up at the Hope Café again after Jin had asked her dozens of times if it was alright for her to eat out and whether she would feel uncomfortable.

She did feel a bit uncomfortable, but she knew that if she didn’t give it a try, the voice would win, and she didn’t want that, so she gritted her teeth, met the young man and let herself be fully concentrated on what he said instead of what she was eating.

“I’ve tried to ask my friend and look up what to say to someone with an eating disorder when they are eating, so I just want to say I’m really proud of you, every bite must be difficult for you, yet you are here, and you keep trying. That must require such strength and bravery on your part. You are the real fighter here,” Jin mentioned totally seriously, and Luda found herself absolutely speechless.

It was one thing that Inna who had taken her to the hospital after her fainting said similar things, but someone from whom she had isolated herself, someone who could have easily forgotten about her and someone who had never been forced to ask his psychologist friend or look up what eating disorders were about did so… It was truly heartwarming.

“Thank you, Jin. Really. I-I…” She tried to find the words to say, but she had no idea if words could portray what she was feeling. “Not everyone would take the time to look up such things, so I’m more than thankful.”

It might not have been easy to be around him and to believe that he was genuine, but she tried her best, and the more time passed, the more she realized that he was as genuine and understanding as one could be. Opening up to someone was always difficult, even more so with her struggles, but as time went by, she realized that it wasn’t a weakness to lean on others and others didn’t find her a burden when she was talking about her worries and hardships, and that some people would really just be there for her even if they weren’t family.

Though not until she actually learned to love herself, could she believe that others could love her, but after that, it became a bit easier to be around people and to be in her own skin. She also had to realize that life couldn’t be measured in numbers or expectations or others’ opinions or academic achievements, but in smiles, laughter, dreams, hopes and in the genuine love of people who were there for her including herself.

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Sk8 2 - 8 | Kemono Jihen 2 - 3 | Wave!! 2 - 5 | Back Arrow 3 - 6

Sk8 2

What’s with the filter over the recap?

These dance moves are cool (a derpy kind of cool)…but I’m seeing them all with the volume off (due to background noise), so I’ll have to find out what the audio is like later. Update: Rude-Alpha! Someone I actually do know!

I was worried about Truck-kun causing another Isekai Incident ™ there…phew…*wipes sweat off brow*

Is Langa…left-handed, perhaps? Or are left-handers not necessarily better with their left foot?

Langa’s mother’s so funny! It’s rare to see a mother who isn’t dead or just not talked about in anime.

Why is it that parody Sailor Moon transformations always happen with the buffest dudes possible…? That’s why it’s rare to get something like Boueibu, where it takes itself (semi-)seriously.

Lately, the urban aesthetic is cool. HypMic, Akudama, IWGP and now this…

Langa is 17. *takes notes on eligible bachelors, LOL*

“A huge family only embarrasses you.” – *nods*

I see! Although I don’t know anything about skateboarding, I can relate to him when he’s fixing a board up for Langa because I can see it’s Reki using his passion for a friend.

Oh, that’s why they call it Sk8 the Infinity…!

I keep calling it “wiping out” in my head when I watch…I’m no surfer, but I guess I’m more used to surfing lingo.

Hitori piledriver = piledriver by oneself ( I guess…?).

Sk8 3

I’ve never heard of this Takuma Nagatsuka (voice of Miya Chinen). He sounds like Kohei Amasaki…

Hmm…normally skateboarders wear protective gear, right? Couldn’t Langa have gotten some of that (now that I think of it)?

I guess this is also Reki’s pride as a board mechanic on the line here…never saw it that way until I thought about it like that.

I think I remember reading a comment once about Bakugo and Midoriya from BnHA – about how Bakugo seemed sluggish in his progress because he’d been training his Quirk from day 1, while Midoriya was trying to catch up. I think Chinen is in a similar situation.

I think what Chinen has is stability, above all others.

There’s a piece of paper in the back that has “supoort” (sic) written on it.

Chinen’s not…“smiling with his eyes”, you call it. In retail, you learn how to smile with the eyes even when it’s fake.

Kemono Jihen 2

Inari? Like the fox shrine?

So Shiki is a spider-guy and…what is Akira? I’ve heard whispers he’s a yukiotoko, but I don’t know at this point in time.

Kabane’s kinda short, LOL, even in comparison to Akira.

Shiki is definitely Bakugo, Spider Version…LOL.

Oh, BnHA came out in 2014 and Kemono Jihen in 2016 (manga).

Oh, that drip apparatus. I’ve only ever seen it in real life, I think – my dad uses one for his coffee.

Kemono Jihen 3

…hmm, I don’t think I’ve seen much set in Shinjuku. I think there’s Mayonaka Occult Koumuin, part of HypMic…and that might be it.

I laughed at “small meeting room”.

Apparently “biddy bait”, according to Urban Dictionary, is meant to mean “a lure for hot women”. I don’t particularly like Urban Dictionary, because the editors who make these definitions are clearly biased in some way or another while writing their definitions, unlike an actual dictionary.

Aw, come on! Why is it fire from the tail?! Fire from the mouth like a dragon is cooler!

Kabane’s getting ahead of himself! (LOL)

Just noticed Kon’s hoodie has a design that says FOX, but the X is inside the O.

…thank goodness for Shiki’s hand…

Akira’s been a bit of dead weight recently, so I hope he gets developed soon.

Back Arrow 3

I wonder if Shu Bi is asexual and/or aromantic…?

“…inherited the spirit of the former sheriff…” – That’s Atlee’s job…oh wait. It’s about the undies again…

This is fishy…this whole “paradise is beyond the canyon” thing.

Ooh, I get the feeling Shu Bi and Arrow will either come to blows with each other or fight on the same side…

Sk8 4

I wonder if episode 8 will look weird in the titles…? I mean, it will be “Sk8 8”…

I would think Reki’s straightforward emotions would be spiky shapes.

I knew women were something objectified by S, but…Langa, the deuteragonist? That’s new.

It just hit me: This would be so good with a dub…!

*Langa casually eats 10 burgers* - LOL.

“This has gotta be way too late!”

So now an anime character has stolen a motorcycle…LOL.

Back Arrow 4

The title of this episode seems to be “Is Today Yesterday’s Tomorrow?”, the service’s title that I’ve got in front of me is “Does Genius Come When Least Expected?”

This map reminds me of +Anima’s continent.

I seem to remember Boueibu was constructed as half an episode of idle talking, half fighting. Why do I bring this up? Because Back Arrow seems to be constructed similarly, episode-wise.

The reason I like the hot-blooded mech series and not the serious ones…is stupid things (<- I mean that affectionately) like Shu Bi pulling out a phone in a world like this.

What’s with the shot of Elsha’s butt…? I know it seems somewhat justified, considering the position her Briheight’s in…but the leery angle is a bit annoying.

…I keep thinking Bit will get a Briheight one day and he’ll be like Zenitsu – powerful only when he doesn’t know it.

Shin Fusui, right? “Ren Sin” kinda makes sense, given we didn’t know any better, but so does “Ren Shin”…Sin as a first name though…? Anyways, it’s Shin Fusui, Kei Suiitsu, Nen Kasei and Ko Chisen. Their names match their elements.

I never realised how skimpy Kei’s outfit was until she was without her Briheight on the ground…eesh, women and their skimpy outfits in this universe…

Wave!! 2

I’m going to differentiate this anime from the other Wave (Wave, Listen to Me) with 2 exclamation marks…also, I’m not able to mark this episode down until 4 episodes have gone, or until AniList makes a TV entry for this. Update: AniList did eventually make an entry for the TV version (i.e. the version I'm working off) of this anime.

Nalu was playing an invisible ukulele even in the bath, LOL.

I noticed Masaki keeps his corgi between his legs so that the dog doesn’t run away. That’s probably only a thing dog owners do, because I don’t think anyone inexperienced with pets would know if they could do such a thing.

Why do I get the feeling the symbol on one of Masaki’s shoulders is (meant to be) Rip Curl…?

I read some of the 4koma for this series (found on the website) and…Sho’s so cute, envying this ‘warm family”. Nalu still has his ukulele, even at the dining table, LOL.

LOL, random rainbow. Every time I read subs about Masaki extolling surfing, I’m reminded of what I call “translator’s high”. It’s the feeling of working under deadlines and being inspired to churn out a high-quality release.

…well, this is a surfing anime. I should have known this would talk about places that get lots of hot weather and big waves (like Australia) because Joel Parkinson is from Tweed Heads, Sydney.

Who’s Jojo Pardinen?

Why does Masaki call Tanaka “Murphy”?

Wave!! 3

Oh, so that man is Masaki’s dad…Right.

The real spirit of characters is shown after they’re defeated…that’s my thoughts, anyway.

I know what a repechage is…in fact, I learnt about that through the FP and M manga.

Oh! It’s “Nalu”, but written “Naru”.

Wave!! 4

Is there a 3rd place in these competitions?

Wait, so the guy in the pink shirt is Masaki’s dad, but then the Hawaiian shirt dude owns the shop. Am I right on this now…?

There is a magical girl called Sally, IIRC, and the description does match.

LOL, I like how the teacher is so indecisive.

Back Arrow 5

Shu Bi’s so pretty…I had my eyes on him from the beginning and now that’s paying me back tenfold.

I wonder if Shu will ever get a Briheight…? (I wanna see it!)

Back Arrow 6

Pretty boy farms!!! It sounds like abuse in a sense, but it also sounds like a dream (?!)

Bit reminds me of Sousuke (Classicaloid).

Oh, so the funky gold hat-thing with the purple ribbon is what the head diviner wears.

LOL wut…his name is “Bruh”? *tries to hide stupid smirk on face*

Wait, if it’s a pretty boy farm, how do you produce new pretty boys without women…? *scratches head*

Question: What is Gote’s conviction?

Wave!! 5

Kadomatsu (the bamboo), huh? Must be New Year’s. Likewise, the bush warbler (uguisu) means it’s spring.

Sk8 5

Milk, straight from the carton…*sigh* Boys… Update: (This is referring to how guys are typically shown chugging straight from the carton. As you can tell from the comment, I don't particularly like it.)

I like how suddenly, all the barriers come down for these guys, even though Kaoru said at one point they shouldn’t be coming down.

Battle of Ganryujima.

Sk8 6

…this woman Reki has the hots for is going to be a dude…that’s normally how this joke works.

Oh well, that was also a funny moment.

“Dangerous stuff is forbidden.”

Hiromi in a swimsuit is…vaguely disturbing.

Kamata? Y’mean, she has the word for “scythe” in her name and she’s a “mantis woman”? Makes sense.

Even on their day off, the Sk8 crew are fun to be with.

Sk8 7

Whoa! Straight to the OP!

…I’m suddenly scared. What if Langa’s mother gets put in danger…? (Like in Kanon.)

Sk8 8

I want Langa to punch Adam. In the face. Now!

…is Snake…Ainosuke’s butler? I can sort of guess from the hair…and the matching theme [of Adam, Eve and the snake in paradise]…

It is the butler!

[flannel-kind-2-0]

Hopeful Friends, Ch. 1, A Day

(I’ve posted this to different platforms, don’t worry)

Eridan/Reader fanfic

The soft chirping of birds combined with the rays of sunlight practically shining directly onto your face made you stir, face scrunching up into a snarl as it ripped you from your dream. One eye cracked open only for you to wince, blinding white light flooding your senses. Hissing, you rolled over, facing away from the window and towards the door. Faintly, you could hear your upstairs neighbours already living, making their day. The ones just beyond the wall near your feet were already arguing in a playful way. With soft, shallow breaths you attempted to lull yourself back into the realm of unconsciousness which you yearned for. However the warmth of the sun against your back prodded you in an annoying way, attempting to awaken you. Muttering a curse, you made your own attempt in pleading with the sun, wishing for five more minutes. Which surprisingly worked as you suddenly felt the heat retreat, you were now in the clear for a little more time for sleeping. 

Until your alarm clock went off.

Your eyes flew open, eyebrows knitted together as you promptly slapped the device on your nightstand. The world just isn’t on your side today, is it? Pushing yourself up in bed, pulling the warm covers off your body but remaining seated. And you stretched, raising your arms above your head hearing the satisfying ‘pop’ of your stiff joints thanks to your deep slumber you were so rudely roused from by mother nature. 

Swinging your legs out from the covers, placing your feet against the cold, wood flooring which you hissed once more at. Extending your legs a little farther you made contact with the circular rug and brought yourself to stand. Why haven’t you brought the rug closer to the bed before? 

Quickly you found your socks from yesterday and slipped them on. This was only temporary, you wouldn’t wear them all day! That would be disgusting! Day two of sweaty feet and other junk collecting on it!? Yuck! But they would allow you to travel to your dresser which was surrounded by cold flooring. And that's what you’re going to use them for! 

Moving through the pale colored room you made it to the pale colored, sandal wood dresser that was actually rather large, meeting the middle of your chest in height. You pulled out your new outfit and quickly changed, exchanging old socks with new ones. When you were finished you scooped up the old clothing from yesterday and brought them to your hamper, noting that it was already half way full as you then exited the room, making your way for your bathroom. Sighing at the mop of (H/C) hair which you were greeted with almost immediately after entering the cramped space. You brought your (Brush/comb/pick?) to your hair, taming the mane one tangle and snarl at a time. 

After you were done with that endeavor you pulled yourself out of the bathroom, passing the empty bedroom, noting that you still needed a new roommate, and making your way to the main room. The single large window with pulled black and white curtains was to your right, along with the whole ‘living room’ area. To your right was the kitchen and entrance to your apartment. You noted how messy the living room was, all of your art supplies everywhere across a thick, paint smeared canvas tarp. 

You brought your ass into the kitchen, pulling open your fridge only to view a -almost- empty box which you sighed at. Another chore to add to your list. There was one thing that caught your eye however. A pack of vanilla yogurt which you snatched immediately, shutting the fridge and pulling a spoon out of the drawer. Leaning against the counter as you opened the container, you began to eat.

[10 minute time skip]

You were sitting in front of your easel, sketching a fern onto the paper of your sketchbook along with other types of plants. You found this part of your day peaceful, and the pile of sketchbooks behind you would say the exact same thing. However the paintings that leaned against the wall would tell you that you deserved more than the recognition of this small town even if you were lucky for it. All for sale, even this piece. A pack for a man in town that had commissioned you. You believe his name is Samuel. He asked for all of these nature paintings which he offered to pay you nearly triple your usual rates, and you didn’t pass that up. 

Turning your head at the sketch with narrowed eyes, you began to wonder if this was even how a fern looked. With a swift movement you looked out your window, viewing the ferns that sat just beyond the glass and then back at the white sheet. It looks off, but you’re not sure where it looks off at. How the hell do other artists do this shit? Saying ‘Help me, I can’t draw the other eye’. Fuck the other eye. Help me draw this stupid plant! The unneeded groan that passed your lips as you leaned back after finishing the last segment of the leaf was enough to tell the plants outside that you are done with their over simplicity mixed with complications. 

Carefully pulling the paper from the book you transported it to your binder for the ride into town. Standing up, binder in hand you went to pick up the other three canvases. Passing your kitchenette and exiting through the hall. 

When you made it to the parking lot, you immediately began to make your way to the pre-owned blue 1998 Ford Ranger. Your head turned to the beach which laid only a couple hundred feet away. Eyes scanning the expanse of yellow and blue until they landed on what you were looking for. The high-blood troll that seemed to patrol the expanse of beach almost everyday. You clicked your tongue, setting the paintings into the bed of your truck, before putting the binder into the front passenger seat only to resume looking out at this highblood. It seemed almost like he was watching you too, but you weren’t sure, but you looked away in case. Staring is rude after all. Even if you’re watching someone who’s kind of being creepy in their own way. 

You’ve had your run-ins with this guy before. Eridan Ampora is his name and you’ve learned that he was a little bit of a-eh- asshole. A pompous one at that. But he does look lonely out there. You’ve never seen him with another person, Troll or human- not even his own kin. Looking at your phone you checked the time, thirty minutes was what you had left. 

Pocketing the device once more you started down the sidewalk, approaching the beach. A soft tug pulling at the rational part of your mind saying that this probably wasn’t a good idea, approaching the cape clad troll. However you treaded onward. (F/C) converse colliding with the grey cement until they met grass littered with pebbles and sand. From this distance you could see that he was actually watching you. However you couldn’t really see his face. 

As soon as your foot met the border of sand he seemed to puff up, attempting to seem more intimidating. “Oi! Landdwweller!” He yelled as he began his own approach, feet moving much faster than your own were only moments prior. You stopped yourself at the border, allowing him to approach, and when he was only ten feet away he stopped and you could see him again. 

Narrowed eyes behind thick rimmed glasses, Angled eyebrows furrowed together with pursed lips, high cheekbones with hollow cheeks. He looked like something out of a Tim Burton movie, minus the huge eyes and skinny neck. 

“Wwhat are you doin here, landdwweller?” He spoke lowly, obviously angry that you had even attempted to step onto the sand even after your previous encounter. Faintly you twitched, wondering for a moment why you even came over her only to remember that he looked lonely. So that’s what you replied with, telling him your observation short handedly. 

And you watched his face contort the slightest into more of a shocked feature rather than the angry one you had been used to now. His lips pulled apart before shutting again, hesitant, “Is that all '' was all he said and you nodded, quirked an eyebrow at this new behavior. Without a word he raised a ringed hand, waving you off which you just looked at for a moment before turning around, going to return to your vehicle. 

Well that was an adventure, now onto the clientele. 

---

After a five or so minute drive through town you found yourself at your destination, ‘The Lazy Bean’ Café. You quickly found your parking spot and pulled into it, putting the blue beast into park. It had become second nature for people to steer clear of this spot, after all, who would want to take the infamous (L/N)’s parking spot?! Nobody would, dummy. Leaning over you grabbed the binder before hopping out of the truck, your converse hitting the asphalt with a soft ‘thud’. You made your way into the store and were instantly greeted with the friendly and welcoming smell of fresh coffee and baked goods. You found yourself smiling softly at familiar faces of trolls and humans who were talking to one another, or ones who were just sitting there taking up the wi-fi. 

You stepped forward to the register, looking at one of your familiars, Kankri Vantas.He was currently facing away from you, talking to the taller barista “sup Kankri, How’re you doing?” You watched him jump, turning around quickly with wide eyes. “Goodness!- Oh, it’s only you (Y/N).” He had placed a hand over his chest, “Although I find your actions highly triggering, I do hope you learn that sneaking up on oneself can be a highly disturbing thing to experience!” he huffed, closing his eyes for a moment as you chuckled. A small lecture by Kankri, “Sorry Kankri, It’s a bit difficult to make yourself known when you just, well, want to enjoy the atmosphere” you smiled at the older troll who seemed to take your words into account. Nodding with a ‘note taken’ before stopping, waiting for your input. “Have you seen someone by the name of- um- Samuel? I believe that was his name, it’s somethi-” “Sammy? You vwanna talk to Sam?” The other Barista, another Ampora, this one going by Cronus, interrupted you. Peering around Kankri, smiling at you with shark like teeth. “Cronus!” Kankri turned to the taller troll, “How many times must we go over this? Interrupting people could either trigger or offend people!” The shorter troll popped a hip out, arms folding over his chest as he scolded the violet blood. 

“Sorry Kan, I’ll try harder to- uh- recognize triggers?” He raised his hand in an oath style, eyebrows pulled together as a smile rested on his lips. “That’s Kankri, Cronus” He continued to scold the taller male who was chuckling lowly. You sucked a breath in, “Yo, guys.” the two looked at you, “Still looking for Samuel here” you added. Cronus lowered his arms, looking at you, “vwell, Chief. I sawv him earlier in a booth in the back, not sure if he’s here or not nowv but, eh, he might” he smiled, shrugging his shoulders. You gave your goodbyes and then made your way to the back, listening to Kankri’s ramblings to Cronus.

---

As you pulled back up to your apartment building the sun was beginning its descent on the horizon. You rested your head against the steering wheel, eyes peering over to the binder which held four more full sized commissions from Samuel. 

Hopping out of the vehicle you couldn’t help but look out past the lined up cars, viewing the sun against the waters. It looked fucking radical, the red-orange-yellow hue that eventually mixed with blue creating a brilliant shade of purple. Soon you’d be able to see the stars from your living room window. 

You leaned up against the metal frame of the cab, not even noticing the troll from earlier shout at you from the border. You were mesmerized, eyes fixated on it like a moth with a lamp. How the fuck did mother nature do it? You certainly could mix paints together but this was different, providing light and warmth unlike a painting. Fuck you nature, you may be beautiful but you’re an asshole. “Landdwweller!” pinks and purples are so hard to grasp not to mention blend together without one overpowering the other. How can it be so easy for nature. I know it’s our atmosphere-oh.

You froze as you realized that Eridan was at the hood of your truck, only two or three feet away from you. The same expression from earlier was written along his face and you blinked at it. “Um, hi?” You smiled lightly. “Wwhy do you care if I’m lonely.” his eyes seemed to narrow further, and you could’ve sworn that he leaned in a little. You felt your body react in its own way by taking a step back which you played off as moving to the bed of your truck to pull out the paper bags full of groceries. “Excuse me?” was all you could find yourself saying as he showed himself at the other side of the bed. 

“You heard me, I knoww you did” he scoffed which you chose to ignore as you let out a low hum. “I’m not sure,” You grabbed both of the bags, holding them against your sides, “I suppose it’s because I don’t think anybody should be lonely.” you gave him a look which made his features soften once more into something different. 

The ‘really’ that left him sounded snarky. He practically followed you up to the door of the hall, watching as you fiddled with your keys. You had sighed, “Yes, really” You jammed the key into the lock, “No one deserves to be alone” turning the key you pulled it open, stopping it with your foot. “Now,” you huffed, looking at him, “I’m sorry but I’ve gotta put these away and then sleep. Could we continue this tomorrow?” You watched as he crossed his arms, eyebrows raising over the frames a little bit. 

“Fin” he muttered as you turned your attention back to the door, shuffling through it. And you looked back to him, smiling softly, “thanks dude” and with that you turned, hearing the door click shut behind you. 

[shibalen]

[1/3] Hi~ May I pls request a Magi + KnY romantic male matchup? I'm a 5'0 hetero fem. I love to draw & sing especially! (I sing opera & I wanna be a voice teacher) I often take endless pics of the sunset and sea bc it's so pretty. I dislike bossy ppl. Quirk: I have a red birthmark on my arm shaped like Alaska lol! To strangers, I'm quiet, shy, friendly, and kind of a loner bc I'm rlly awkward (plus I value my time alone) I easily open up to funny ppl tho.

[2/3] In private, I'm more chill, funny & playful, especially w/ family. I can joke around them a lot. I have a short temper but I forgive just as quickly. I tend to smile or laugh a lot if I'm feeling embarrassed, sometimes I feel stupid for doing so :( I can be hard on myself yet I feel it's necessary to improve. I'm an appreciative person so I'll say thank you like 1000 times lol! I like to be straightforward in relationships even tho I still may be shy. I highly value family & honesty.

[3/3] I'd prefer a s/o who is family-oriented, devoted & genuine. It'd be great if they have a sense of humor too! I'd be the type to sing softly to my s/o while we're alone and close together. Maybe try to lull them to sleep, hehe! Thank you so much! Sorry it was so long, please take your time! I appreciate your hard work! Stay safe and healthy!! (*´︶`*)ﾉ"=͟͟͞͞♡

♡︎ matchup for @ne-nene-ne

bonjour! omg we sound so much alike? idk maybe it's just me? hehe

anyhowdies, thank you for your patience and popping up in my notifications so often! here is your mauchup~

|| magi: i match you with . . .

koumei ren

• since Koumei is not fond of loud and lively people, he would love all of your qualities! you're quiet but still easy to get along with, playful but value family as much as he. someone as well-balanced is a good match for him.

• he completely understands the habit of being hard on oneself. i feel like he's like that as well (hence all those hours of work) while he can appreciate your need to improve, he never fails to check up on you, ensuring you're not being overly critical of yourself.

• you wish he could do the same for himself because the words 'enough sleep' and 'self care' do not apparently belong into this man's vocabulary. you gotta gently remind him to eat and take a bath.

• also pls lull him to sleep, he needs it. all those late nights planning military strategies have done their part so your heavenly voice is the only thing that can put him at ease.

• you can just be talking and he already finds himself relaxing.

• he's eternally grateful to you for coming into his life ♡︎

• Komei is incredibly devoted and would never dream of betraying you. if he comes back late, know he was not out doing anything unfaithful but once again got emerged in planning tactics.

• he knows you get angry at him sometimes for it so he will try to make it up to you by any means!

• your first meeting was at an arranged marriage. your arranged marriage. it was something neither of you wanted at first and honestly it was pretty awkward with both of you being more reserved (ーー;)

• it wasn't until you bumped into each other in the drawing room that you began talking about your shared interests and growing closer.

• since then drawing became reserved for spending quality time together and relaxing.

• Koumei got a tad insecure though when he realised he had fallen in love with you although you were already married. he knew he was inferior when it came to appearances and quite sloppy in mannerisms compared to his brothers, poor thing.

• thankfully you caught onto that quite quickly and reassured him you loved him just the way he was ♡( ◡‿◡ )

• for someone so smart Koumei had no idea what to do except stand there with butterflies in his stomach and heart warming up so much the heat reached to his cheeks.

• he may appear like a gentleman, but once you've gotten past that layer you'll find out he has quite the sense of humor.

• you can joke around with him all you want as long as it's about nothing too inappropriate. you should also expect some light-hearted teasing, hehe

• i'm sorry to say this but occasionally your height will be targeted, he can't help but rest his hand on your head. it's cute, it's vulnerable, it's free real estate!

• if you get annoyed by this he'll just feign innocence . . .

• "could you stop using me as your armrest?"

• "armrest? what are you talking about? i am simply expressing my love for you through physical affection, my dear :)"

• more than teasing though, Koumei likes complimenting you. he will ruffle your hair affectionately, tell you what a good job you've done, how pretty you you look. you might think it's just flattery but rest assured all of these come from his heart!

• look no further because Koumei will use his status to show you the most beautiful sceneries in Kou.

• sunsets from high towers, a wide view of the ocean from imperial ships. when you've got a bit more time he'll carry you through the skies at twilight with his djin equip.

• sneaky bastard might just do a few stunts to have you cling onto him tighter (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

• he prefers staying indoors during his free time so he'd be more than happy to listen to you practice opera singing.

• sometimes he goes outside to feed pidgeons and invites you along. those are such peaceful moments when you can talk about your worries or just admire how nice the weather is.

• Koumei lowkey prays you won't get into fights with Kouen or Kouha because they're both really bossy and you have a short temper.

• but because family is important for them as well, you'll learn to get by. he's so happy.

• though when will you start to think about having your own family? that's a question for later date because at the moment all Koumei wants is to live a happy, comfortable life with you ♡︎

runner up: Alibaba Saluja

⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

|| kimetsu no yaiba: i match you with . . .

tanjirō kamado

• you guys have such matching sweetheart energies that i had to put you together!

• you also have the same values of family and honesty which makes your relationship all the stronger. you both respect each other and there is nothing but trust in your communication.

• your first meeting happened when you were teamed up together for a mission along with Zenitsu and Inosuke. Zenitsu immediately, of course, got googly eyed for you and feral boy Inosuke wanted to fight you.

• you started feeling awkward with so much going on but Tanjirō quickly got them to give you space.

• he approached you so kindly, understanding you were shy in this new situation.

• it took little time for you to open up to the Kamaboko gang, seeing as how bizarre they are, but Tanjirō was special from the beginning. needless to say, he was curious about you as well |ω-o)

• you two hit it off so well and continued to hang out after the mission. he never pressured you to talk and his patience felt almost godsent. with every new bit he learnt about you Tanjirō found himself becoming more and more enamoured with you.

• he finds your playful yet relaxed mannerisms so pleasant. you're like his sanctuary whenever he needs a break from the restless world around him. he knows he can tell you everything and anything and you'll listen.

• Tanjirō absolutely loves pampering you! you're such a lovely person that all he wants is to make sure you receive back all the positivity that you spread around.

• he won't judge you for your short temper, i mean he's friends with Inosuke after all. he'll only ever look at you with sweet, loving eyes.

• if you do have a small argument, you both end up apologising a million times and laughing cause neither of you will stop saying sorry. it's the cutest thing.

• Tanjirō is a bit on the serious side, and it's canon that he's insecure about the trait. it would be so wholesome if you taught him how to loosen up and joke around!

• he'd be clumsy at it at first but gradually get the hang of it.

• his jokes would still be so bad, poor child. you think it's really adorable though and laugh anyway ♡︎

• that proud twinkle in his eyes when he sees he succeeded making you smile is just— asdfghjk so full of love

• will assure you there is never anything wrong with laughing or smiling. your laugh is one of the most beautiful sounds to him so be prepared for a lot of silly jokes.

• please teach this boy to draw, i'm begging

• you and Nezuko are basically like siblings already. Tanjirō's heart swells every time he finds you with Nezuko, braiding her hair, singing to her or even simply giving her headpats.

• it's during times like those especially that he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life together with you.

• won't not brag about it aloud but Tanjirō likes he's the only person that get to hear you sing (aside from Nezuko) it's like your little secret, something that's reserved for him alone

• Zenitsu always grits his teeth seeing what lovebirds you are. though you were both a little shy about it at first, there is almost always some physical affection between you: hand holding, leaning against each other, cute, fluttering kisses.

• his favourite places to kiss you are your forehead and lips. he may get a bit flustered if you do it to him though but that's because he's so happy ♡︎

• !sharing cool scar/birthmark stories!

• "see, it looks like Alaska!"

• ". . . what's an Alaska? is it an animal?"

• "no, it's a land, silly. a very faraway land."

• "oh, i see! we should go there together some day. it'll be great!"

• your dates include many walks and picnics in the forest. he wants to show you all the best views of sunsets and oceans there are!

• i know this sounds corny but Tanjirō will 100% gaze at you instead while you're admiring the scenery. your reaction is just so precious and you look absolutely stunning in the soft light. you can't really blame him for being smitten ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

• he will remind you every day how dear you are to him. with daily but meaningful displays of affection, Tanjirō lets you know he will never leave your side ♡︎

runner up: Kyōjuro Rengoku

i hope you enjoyed! i admit i haven't seen magi in ages so i don't know how well it turned out ㆆ﹏ㆆ but thank you for the kind wishes, and make sure to take time off to breathe ♡︎

[thecrystalquill]

Love/Hate

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x Slytherin!Reader 

Warnings: None

Summary: Draco and (Y/N) hate each other; it’s easier for Draco to hate than to love. But when push comes to shove, a little love might be just what they need. 

A/N: Chapter 5 is uuuup!! Thanks for your patience guys, I appreciate it. I’ve been super packed down with college lately, but hopefully not for long; so I should be able to get back to writing more frequently. Anyway, I hope it’ll be worth the wait. 

Masterlist           Series Masterlist

Chapter 5 

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

The Hogwarts Express shook slightly as it left the station; people were rushing about to find a compartment, and Draco simply rolled his eyes and shut their compartment door.

“Do they all really need to be so loud?” Theodore commented, putting his feet up on the seat opposite him. “I mean, I get it, first day back after the holidays and all, but still – it’s annoying.”

“You’re annoying,” mumbled Blaise under his breath, getting a side glare from Nott.

“You’re both annoying,” said Draco, glancing out of the window to see nothing but a blur of greenery; the sooner they got to Hogwarts, the better – he couldn’t wait to unpack his things and go to bed.

The winter holidays seemed to have come to an end quite quickly, as they often did, and the new year had come. A time to improve oneself; a fresh start. Draco had never really been one to make any resolutions for the coming year, he found them to be rather pointless, a flimsy promise made in a whim that was far too easily broken or forgotten; every year came and went and nothing ever changed, Draco was still himself and so was everyone else, they were still bogged down with work, and they still had very little time for resolutions to be followed through – so what was the point? Draco didn’t particularly feel any different, and he certainly wouldn’t be having any fresh starts, but he did know how he should be trying to improve himself; he knew he should try to be better, even in little ways; he knew he should probably try to be a little kinder, even if towards his friends; he knew he should try to be less of an arse; but sometimes he just couldn’t seem to help it; sometimes it was just too tempting – too easy. And he’s been acting a certain way for so long that it just became natural, and it was harder for him to do something without considering how it would affect his reputation. But still, every year when someone would ask for his resolution, he would give the same arrogant answer: ‘What would I need to improve? I’m perfect.’

After a while of being stuck in his own thoughts, Draco was brought back into the room by the sound of the door being slid open, revealing an elderly woman pushing along a cart full of sweets. “Anything from the trolley?” She asked, then stepped back a little as Crabbe and Goyle sprung to their feet and fished their pockets for whatever money they could find, then ordering anything they could think of – which was quite a lot, especially considering that they’d be having a massive meal when they arrive at the castle. “No dear, I said it’s one Galleon, nine Sickles, and twenty-three Knuts – not one Galleon, two sickles, and thirty-nine Knuts.”

“No, Goyle – there’s seventeen Sickles in a Galleon, you twit! How don’t you know that?”

“No don’t- that’s still wrong- why don’t- for Merlin’s sake just give the woman a Galleon and ten Sickles, alright? Then you’ll get two-hundred and sixty-seven back.”

“Godrick! Because there’s twenty-nine Knuts in a Sickle! How’re you this dim?—"

Honestly, Draco couldn’t believe he had friends as thick as those two sometimes. While they made a ridiculous commotion trying to get Goyle to pay the correct amount of money (Merlin only knows how badly Crabbe was doing), Draco excused himself to go and ‘stretch his legs’. Paying for a small box of Fudge Flies as he passed.

He wandered the train for a while, wrapping his robes around himself a little tighter whenever he felt a chilling draft from outside. He wasn’t going anywhere in particular, really, and he certainly wasn’t planning on finding someone. The thing is, Draco had always had certain ‘standards’ to be met when considering making a friend, something he had learnt from his father at a young age. But now, years later, Draco found that it had made him a little bit… lonely, perhaps. The people he had left behind in his compartment were his closest friends, but one couldn’t reasonably have just four friends (only two intelligent enough to hold a worthy conversation), could they? His friends had to meet some requirements: pure-blooded, Slytherins, at least a little bit pompous, and useful. Now, Crabbe and Goyle may have not been very useful in the traditional sense of the word, far from it really, but they were willing to follow him about and respect his every opinion and follow through with every demand – which was actually rather of an ego-boost for him. They were like his own little minions. Of course, there were other people that would fit into these standards, but in reality, Draco found most people to be intolerable or boring at best – and that just wouldn’t be worth his efforts. However, over the years, Draco had found someone that was… not quite a friend, but rather more of a confidant. Someone that offered a little support or a listening ear when he needed it, or even just the simple need for another’s presence.

Without having consciously knowing it, Draco had managed to find their compartment quite quickly and gently tapped his knuckles on the window.

“Come in.” Responded a soft voice, as he opened the door. She was staring out of the window with a hazy dream-like expression on her face, and held a book to her chest, seeming quite content. Her light hair was tied to the side with a bright purple ribbon, allowing her waves to fall over the shoulder of her favourite pink jacket. And she was wearing a very bold yellow skirt with a light pink jumper, and very stripy tights. It was an odd outfit for sure, but he was sure she was the only person that could suit it. “Hello Draco,” she smiled.

He nodded. “Hi Luna,” Draco wasn’t sure why he had come here, to be honest, but she didn’t ask. They sat quietly for a while, just enjoying each other’s company. It was moments like this that made him wish that his friends could be this way; quiet; peaceful. He needed more moments like this, with other people. If only his friends were so understanding and less chaotic.

“Wrackspurts,” she spoke up after a while.

Draco looked up in confusion, furrowing his brows in her direction. “I’m sorry?” He asked, not understanding what she meant at all.

Turning to face him, Luna tapped the colourful Spectrespects sitting on her nose, having only put them on a minute ago. “Wrackspurts,” she repeated, staring intently in his direction, “you’re surrounded by them. All around your head.” She explained, if that was the right word.

“Oh…” He mumbled, still a little confused by her statement; what was he supposed to do with that information?

“What is it?”

“What?”

“What’s bothering you?" She asked delicately, tilting her head to the side. She always seemed so calm, Draco admired that about her.

Shaking his head slightly, Draco slouched forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “I don’t know…” he sighed. “Nothing, I suppose. I’m not sure.” Perhaps it was that he was bored of his friends, perhaps it was that he wanted them too; perhaps it was just the left over boredom from the winter break, or maybe he was just tired. Whatever it was, he didn’t know what to do about it.

There was another comfortable silence as the two sat thinking. Luna had gone back to watching the early January snow fall past the window and tracing the fern-like frost patterns on the glass with her nail, while Draco sat resting his chin on his hand as he pondered. You know…” she began again, “Wrackspurts can be dispelled by thinking positive thoughts.”

Draco was sure she just loved confusing him. “Like what?” He asked half-heartedly.

She shrugged. “Something that makes you happy, something good.”

He thought for a moment, about what would make him happy. What would make him happy? Teasing Longbottom usually made him laugh, right? No, that wasn’t good enough; what would make him happy? Himself? “I dunno, going to bed sounds good right now?” He offered with little effort, but the subtle change in Luna’s expression made it obvious that she wanted him to try harder. He rolled his eyes lightly in faux mockery. “Alright… erm… going to bed with a book, a good book, and a hot chocolate. Better?” She nodded lightly and he held back a smirk, feeling just a bit proud of himself. “Well what about you?” He encouraged, gesturing to her with the hand that once supported his head.

She thought for a moment, smiling wistfully. “Candyfloss from fairs, proper ones that are still warm,” she answered sweetly, and he couldn’t help but agree. Then she smirked slightly and whispered under her breath, “Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens…”

Tags:

@kaibie​

@salmonoctopus​

@thefandomzoneisdangerous​

@combative5sos​

@puppetofyourdreams​

@accio-perseus​

[If anyone else wants to be tagged or if I’ve missed anyone please let me know]

[robin-the-enby]

Treasure of all War boys p.1

Pairing: Nux x OC

Summary: A girl is allowed to join the war boys after catching Immortan Joe's attention. After taking the time to get to know who they really are, she makes it her goal to make their lives at least a bit better.

Warnings: injury description, suicidal intentions

A/N: I'm just wondering why haven't I watched it sooner, I'm probably the only person active in this dead fandom (please guys out there, I need to know I'm not alone) So, this is basically just a backstory for my OC and her relationship with Nux. He deserved better, let's face it.

Gifs found on Google

* * * * *

She didn't know her name, where she was, how long she had been here. She didn't remember her parents, who they were, what they looked like or their names. It was all useless information, because they weren't here now and so they couldn't help her with her only goal. Survival.

Making a life for oneself in the desert was not at all easy. But luck was on her side it seemed.

After wandering mindlessly through the desert for many nights, she found a wreck, of what, she didn't know. It wasn't a big wreck, but it would provide shelter from the storms. Nothing was worse than storms. Tornados, flying sand, strong wind, thunder and lightning, death and destruction everywhere, accompanied by great noise. She decided to make it her hideout, over time she improved it bit by bit, she brought in an old, moldy mattress and found herself a rusty old knife that she stole from a corpse.

Her hideout was near a road, so she waited for cars to appear and as foolish as it was, she tried to stop them and trade water for a place to sleep. Luck was on her side again, because nobody had ever tried to harm her and often felt sorry enough for her to give her a few gulps of the fresh liquid. But never ever had anyone taken up her offer of a roof above their head.

She knew why, but didn't mind it much herself. Being surrounded by two-headed lizards her whole life, or rather what she remembered from it, her mutation felt almost normal to her. Even though she could see why a third eye would throw someone off.

Most of the time, she didn't even know it was there, It's not like it was a functional eye. It was just an eyeball, no pupil, eyelashes or eyebrow and it was completely numb to pain. She wasn't even sure it blinked.

Times were becoming hard, harder than before, hard like times before she found her precious hideout.

No cars have passed this part of the road and she was becoming weaker and weaker. Her body, in an attempt to save itself, shut down as many functions as possible, just to keep the heart beating.

But she knew it wasn't enough.

After a particularly harsh storm, which nearly scared the life out of her and which made quite a few holes in her hideout, the roar of car engines could be heard. Her heart skipped a beat, both from fright and excitement. Cars meant people, people meant water.

But people could also mean danger.

And that was something she couldn't risk in her weak state. So she gathered all her strength, gripped her rusty knife and crawled through one of the holes out of her hideout and quickly hid behind it. She planned on observing the situation and then acting.

The first warning sign was all the battle gear and weapons that basically made those cars. The second was that they pulled up by her hideout, she felt her chest tighten and adrenaline start pumping through her. And the third, final part that told her, screamed at her the word DANGER, was their appearance.

After what could have been seconds, her precious hideout was swarmed by young men and older boys. They looked very intimidating to her, white skin with dark patterns, bald heads, covered in scars with feral eyes and scruffy voices, they couldn't mean anything but danger.

On the other hand, food has been scarce, water non existent, she needed to get out of here and this might be her only chance.

Her mind, so young and naive, came up with a seemingly great idea. Stealthily, careful not to make any sound, she climbed under on of their armored cars. Luckily for her, there were places she could squeeze her her feet into and tubes she could hold onto. They would give her a ride, they just wouldn't know about it. And when she'd decide she wants to get off, she'll just let go.

Yeah, because that would work.

The moment they gained speed, she realized she was screwed. Panic settled in, but not only for this reason. The longer they went, the hotter the tubes she was holding were.

The pain was quickly becoming unbearable. She wanted to scream, but the fear of being found was stronger, so she could only cry silently.

It seemed like eternity before they stopped. Tho whole ride she had her eyes closed and teeth gritted, barely keeping quiet. Her feet and palms felt like she was on fire. Never in her life has she felt greater agony.

She opened her eyes, just a little bit, as if it would aid her in not being seen. The light seemed brighter than in her hideout. The car was on some sort of metal ramp, waiting for something. Thousands of people surrounded the ramp, trying to get on, but were held back by the ghost looking men.

With a jerk, the ramp started rising, much to her surprise. From her view, she saw heavy boots of the scary men and dirty mutated hands of the people trying to climb on. The heavy boots stomped on the hands, everyone was yelling, it was becoming too much and she was getting lightheaded.

The journey up wasn't really long, but the sudden change in light that came right after made her disoriented. It seemed like all the light suddenly dissapeared and darkness swallowed the world around her.

Her mind was in overdrive. It felt like all the pain had transfered from her limbs to her head, making her dizzy. Because of all the pain, she couldn't keep track of where the car was going. She was weak, panicking, lightheaded and disoriented, only a few steps before fainting.

A quiet gasp could be heard and she whipped her head in the direction of it. A small, bald head, with wide eyes was staring at her with shock written all over its face. A small boy, very similar to the older ghostly boys, was peeking under the car.

For a very awkward while, they just stared at each other, until the boy jerked. He was probably just scolded, because he dissapeared from her vision in a lightning speed. That didn't last long, because in no time, there wasn't just one, but two heads looking under the car.

It was in that moment that she felt something new, something different. All of a sudden, she felt energized, her body screamed at her what are you waiting for? Go!

With one mighty tug, in which she put a force so great she never knew where she had gotten in that moment, she ripped her limbs from the car a bolted from under it.

She didn't know where she was running. She just was. She didn't have the strength to think rationally, or at all. Her body focused everything on survival, like so many times before and shut her mind into a dark cell of adrenaline.

The only thing she could see were possible paths between the sea of white skinned, bald boys and the only thing she could hear were the yells and rapid footsteps of those chasing after her, which only resulted in her body producing more adrenaline.

For a while she thought she might even succeed, but just as she was getting her hopes up, she tripped.

One of the war boys not involved in the chase stuck his foot out and successfully tripped the little girl. She fell to the ground and the only thing she managed to do before blacking out was to roll on her back and with hooded gaze take one look at numerous people crouched down all around her.

Nobody ever told her how long was she out, she just woke up in a strange place. It was a cave and it was full of war boys, but unlike the other place she's seen here, these boys were sitting or laying down on stone benches, connected to people hanging upside down from the ceiling.

Her hands and feet were covered in bandages and she felt exhausted. Later on she found out the place was called the Organic mechanic's shop, it was a place where sick war boys that couldn't do war were being healed by a person called Organic mechanic, a strange man that creeped her out a little. He was a bit rough and it seemed like his mouth didn't have any filter, for he said everything that came to his mind, but she never had any problems with him.

It took a while and a lot of a strange cream the Organic mechanic made for her, but her palms and feet scarred without any complications and she was oficially healed. Before she even had the time to ask what was going to happen to her now, two war boys came over, hooked their arms under her armpits and started dragging her somewhere.

For a while she tried to struggle, but nothing happened, so she listened to her survival instinct and focused on where they were going and tried to remember the way.

They dragged her into a room, where there were three men waiting already. The first was a disgusting man, old and worn down by illnesses and the two behind him weren't any better, one couldn't breathe without a mask, much like the blonde one, and the other looked like a bearded baby.

She didn't understand at first, but the older she got, the more she realized how important meeting Immortan Joe and his sons was to her. But it went well, he was intrigued by her quick wit, and fortunately her third eye prevented her from becoming a wife. But the Immortan knew that casting her out would be a loss and so he let her stay, not that she tried to achieve that, but she was to become a war boy.

And that's how the torture began.

The war boys hierarchy was tough and climbing to the top hard. She started as a war pup. First they took her to a war boy, who shaved her head and caked a mixture of white clay and water on her skin. Then he dipped his fingers in what looked like motor oil and grease and smudged it around all her eyes. Then they took what little clothing she had and gave her shorts made from a rough fabric and bandaged her chest to cover her still underdeveloped breasts. Lastly, she was given a name. For her speed, quick thinking and wit they named her Weasle.

War pups, on the very bottom of the hierarchy, were taught to become war boys. The hard way. There was no teaching theory and then practice. You had to learn while working, because the war boys had to be ready at all times and there were loads and loads of work to do. From learning to fight, fixing cars, to helping tend to the sick or injured war boys and helping pulling up vehicles back from raiding and scavenging.

For any mistake they were bullied and beaten, so they wouldn't do it again. It was cruel, but it worked and Weasel was lucky that she was a quick learner.

The only time she got to rest was night. In the evening they all went to one big cave, war boys and pups alike, and slept there, huddled cuddled together to prevent the cold from reaching them. It was at times like these Weasel got to think about her life.

She wasn't happy. She ached all the time and the pain never stopped. Sometimes she thought that being dead would be much better than this. She worked hard for becoming a war boy, but what would it bring her? War boys bullied each other the same as they bullied the pups. Everybody, even they themselves knew that they were all very ill and would die much sooner than full lives. And nobody took them seriously, nobody ever treated her like her life mattered. She was sick of it all.

Tonight would be the night she'd end it all, she decided. She found a small window some time ago, big enough to climb through it. If she jumped from there nobody would care, she was just a face in the crowd. Just a number, a small wheel in the big machine that was Citadel. Yes, a machine. Human slaves producing, producing children, producing milk, producing warriors and god forbid if somebody didn't produce as much as they were supposed to.

Her small feet pattered through the nearly pitch black hallways, so silent were they that her footsteps sounded to her like thunder during the mighty storms. She shuddered at the memory. Storms were still the scariest thing, scarier than any war boy or pup. And nobody offered comfort when they came, because nobody probably even knew the word comfort.

Another pair of footsteps could be heard, created by feet similar to hers, they were running, running towards her and before she could even blink, she felt her body being tackled down.

She fell harshly on her stomach, hitting her chin on the hard stone. The other pup, because who else could it be, straddled her back and she could feel his smug grin as he watched her feeble attempts at getting from under him.

"And where do you think you're sneaking off to, huh?" he asked cockily. He flipped her on her back, his eyes going wide and his jaw dropping when he saw who exactly he caught. "It's none of your business!" Weasel snarled at him and thrashed wildly in his hold, so wildly in fact, he had trouble to keep her under him.

"You're...You're The Weasel!" he exclaimed, in awe. She scoffed and rolled her eyes, but stilled "Yeah, so?" "You're the one who sneaked in under one of the cars!" he jumped off her and grabbed one of her arms to take a look at the burn scars on her palms.

Watching this kid inspect the reminder of her injury with sparkling eyes ignited something warm inside her. Her eyes softened and she let him silently marvel over her scars.

After a few minutes, she broke her arm out of his hold "Right, I have places to be." and got up to walk away. He watched her for a few seconds, but quickly got up too and soon he caught up to her.

"What places?" he turned his head cutely to the side. She pondered quietly on how to answer him. "To see the stars." she decided and he didn't press the subject, content with the answer he got.

The rest of the way they walked silently, side by side. Coming to the window, first to climb out was Weasel, the pup right after her.

Turns out there's a small ledge outside, wide just enough to sit on. They sat, side by side, Weasel looking at the stars and the pup looking at Weasel. "Y'know, I never got your name." she said without taking her gaze away from the night sky. "It's Nux." the boy said, turning his head upwards, mimicking Weasel.

"What was it like?" he asked quietly "Riding a car." "It hurt. I haven't felt a pain greater than that." she whispered, bowing her head to look at her scars and he whipped his head to her with a shocked expression and a near silent wow escaping his lips.

They sat for another few minutes, when she felt another wave of hopelesness wash over her and she knew it was time.

Slowly,

shakilly,

she stood up,

Nux's gaze following her. "Be careful or you'll fall." he warned her softly. "I want to." she told him, tired of fighting and trying to forget how everything hurt.

Nux looked shocked, once again "What, why?" he asked with an unbelievable tone. Weasel shrugged "Everything hurts. I don't have a reason to live." she told him simply.

He frowned "That's stupid." Before she could get mad at him, Nux continued "How are you going to get to Valhalla then?"

Now it was her turn to be shocked "The what?" she asked, quirking her eyebrow, looking straight into his beautiful blue eyes. "Did nobody tell you?" At this she shook her head, confused.

Nux took a deep breath "The older war boys told me. We fight for the Immortan, because we are half lives. If we die historic on the Fury road, we spray chrome on our mouth, so we can enter Valhalla, where our half life is cured and we can live happily forever in the afterlife." he told her in one go.

Weasel frowned. She didn't want to die for old Joe. He didn't look like a saviour, she didn't trust him, why would she when he treated everyone the way he did? Nux caught her frown and asked "You don't want to get to Valhalla?"

"I don't want to die for Joe." Weasel said firmly. "Why?? Have you seen him? He's Immortan, the man who grabbed the sun!" Nux praised him, making a triangle from his hands. "Yes, I've seen him!" Weasel snapoed at him. The pup's eyes lit up like two little explosions "Really?? What's he like?" he asked excitedly.

"Illness ridden and he stinks." the girl said and stuck her tongue out at Nux. He giggled, thinking it was a joke "You're funny Weasel."

As the seconds ticked by, she realized something. Even though she didn't understand half the things Nux said about Valhalla, he called himself and everyone else a half life. She knew what that meant and he must've known too.

That could only mean he knew he was going to die, that they trained him to die. But Valhalla gave him comfort, just like to all war boys. And that was sad.

Just then, she didn't feel hatred towards war boys and war pups anymore, but sympathy. They craved the same thing she did- hope.

In that moment, she decided she wants to help them. If everyone wanted to treat them like they meant nothing, she wasn't going to. She was going to show them that their lives mattered, that they were the ones who Citadel stood on. That without them, everything would turn to ashes.

"Right, you convinced me." she told Nux and turned to climb back inside, the boy following closely behind.

As they walked back to the big cave to sleep again, she asked him "How did you know who I am?" Nux snickered "Everyone knows who you are. Being the only girl 'n all. Well, 'cept for Furiosa." and shrugged.

Furiosa was the only other girl that Weasel knew joined the war boys. She tried to befriend her, but seeing the look of disgust she sent Weasel's way made her want to throw up. So she just nodded and continued to walk silently.

At the entrance of the cave she grabbed Nux's hand, the first tiny part of her big plan already in action. "Can I stay with you?" she asked shyly, expecting to get kicked or punched for being soft, but he only nodded with a smile "At least we won't be cold."

[shemakesmusic-uk]

Getting to Know...

Gaeya.

With a sound reminiscent of early Björk, Gaeya’s music marries the sounds of the natural world with immersive sonic paintings; landscapes formed from analogue synths and deep-rooted Nordic frequencies which provide the backing for vocals that seek to inspire sustainability and focus for a better world.

Inline with her mindful musical messaging, Gaeya also hosts the podcast tellUs, which focuses on sharing new ideas and solutions for the on-going issues mankind is facing from the results of long term misuse of the planet, its resources and its beings.

Gaeya has an unrelenting desire to affect change, underpinned by a profound respect for the planet and delivers this through the medium of beautifully captivating music. She is a truly exciting artist and is set to make a bold mark with the unique insightful message running through her debut EP Awakening which is out today.

We had a chat with Gaeya all about the EP, what she's been up to, her creative process and more. Read the Q&A below.

Hi Gaeya! How have you been?

"I’ve been good thank you. I know for many people 2020 has been a very different year but for me who lives out on a farm in the countryside, life has not been very different except for not playing any live shows in a long time. Which I miss a lot!

"Instead, I’ve spent most of my time creating. Working on new songs, which are now released, and tried to spend time in nature as much as possible."

You've just released your debut EP Awakening. What is the record about and what does it mean to you? What do you hope listeners will take away from it?

"Awakening for me is almost like a reflection on how it can be to wake up to a new perspective in life. To let ourselves go through the struggles and realise that we always have a choice of how we want to view different situations in life. Using challenging times as an opportunity to grow.

"The first track of the EP called ‘Contact’ is about the connection to oneself, to establish the link to yourself and your heart. Practice listening to our own “gut feeling”, accepting all aspects of ourselves and start to be conscious about our actions.

"The second one is ‘Truth’, which comes when you start to get connected to yourself. With this song, I hope people can feel energised to follow their own truth knowing that they have all they need inside. When we then start expressing our truth we do it with a humble heart and without judgment towards others.

"The middle songs ‘Aureola’ and ‘Micro Orbits’ I see like the development we can feel while learning something new and when we come to understand who we are and what we want in life. We can then start to set intentions of how we would like our lives or the world to look like. To fill our heart and mind with our dearest visions to help manifest a better world and from there change can occur. When we then let go of the things in life that no longer serve us, we open up new space for new opportunities and beauty to enter our life. Once we realise this potential awakening occurs.

"I hope that people can feel supported with this EP knowing that in any time of hard feelings or troubles we are never alone. And knowing that even those hard times will pass and in the end, make us grow if we let it."

Let's go back to the beginning for a moment.. What led you to make music? Who were you influenced by growing up?

"For as long as I can remember and what people have told me it’s always been music and singing for me and the most natural way for me to communicate. I started out very young to work with music. I’ve moved around in a wide range of genres with classical music and musical theatre through a long time of my early years. I always had an interest in getting to know my voice as much as possible and therefore I’ve never been afraid to try out new styles. So, in the end, I worked with jazz, hard rock, country and traditional folk music to name a few. So I guess the influence is as wide as that haha.

"But my love for nature and the sounds in the forest inspired me early on to want to combine the two. Though it wasn’t until later that the sound really started to shape new forms when spending a lot of time in native communities around the world and finding new ways of using my voice.

"To name someone that has influenced me from my childhood I guess is probably Sting. To mix styles and especially world music and traditional music with contemporary has always given me a lot of stimulants and kick-started my creativity. More recently an artist that I also felt inspiring is the Norwegian Aurora. She is a young artist with really beautiful songwriting skills."

Please take us through your songwriting/creative process.

"I write music with Anders Rane my producer and co-pilot. Usually we start with Anders having some chords and a nice riff and we just flow together. I like to be in “the zone” when I create and therefore most of the time the songs come more or less in one piece when we are improvising. I like the feeling of just letting go and letting the song write itself without me trying to tangle it. With both melody and lyrics.

"Sometimes it is like our song ‘Truth’ where the whole song came in one piece in the first run.

"But there are other times when it comes in pieces and my job gets to be putting the puzzle together into something that is flowing. When the song is written Anders put’s his magic into it and creates beautiful productions, I love to be in the production working too but he is really the one who makes magic happen."

Finally, what are your plans for this year? Will you be continuing your tellUs podcast?

"The plan is to continue our work with new music. Alongside the Awakening EP we’ve also created an acoustic EP called Awakening Reborn, which I long to release soon too.

"One thing I really hope to do soon is to start playing live shows at both festivals and with our Tipi Tour. I feel like I can’t wait to see people again, sharing music and fun together physically.

"TellUs will definitely continue during this year and we will bring in more international guests talking about sustainability in different forms. Bringing up some exciting projects that are taking place around the world. My plan is also to make some shorter episodes, where I will hand over some hands-on tips and tricks of how we can live more sustainably in our own lives and what kind of effect some things have on both ourselves and the environment.

"We’ve had some really lovely guests last year with deep insights into nature and I really looking forward to sharing more of those meetings with you guys during this year."

Awakening is out now.

[insanityclause]

[NOTE: BroadwayWorld's fabulous photographer Walter McBride captures images of the Broadway stars profiled in our monthly column in a special photo shoot. Check out the pics of Charlie Cox throughout the feature!]

Congratulations on the great success of this production! I imagine that there are things about a Pinter work that create unique challenges for an actor, beginning with his signature pauses. How difficult was it to not only learn the dialogue of the play, but also to incorporate these pauses into your performance?

So yes, Harold famously writes in his pauses and silences and they exist I think in all of his plays. And the thing is that one should really adhere to them because really Harold was a poet, he writes poetry as much as he writes prose. And so what you discover is that if you adhere to the pauses and the silences, he will be showing you the musical rhythm of the scene and he's helping you make sense of the scene. And that's really, really fascinating. So it's actually not difficult at all because I think Harold is so brilliant, the pauses make sense. Most of the time you don't have to learn them, they are also your instinct. There were so many times we would discover that the instinct was to pause, and sure enough there it was, written in the script. It was actually quite revealing. So it was not as difficult as you would think. If it was written, it almost always made complete sense when you were rehearsing it.

So then you're not actually thinking about it during the performance.

No, certainly not anymore. We did do a few line runs early on in rehearsals where someone would say "pause" and "silence" where they existed just to help us remember where they were and where they weren't. But I really don't remember that being a particularly challenging learning process. It all happened quite organically.

Another challenge with this play is the fact that you are on stage during the entire performance. Even if your character is not technically in the scene, he remains on stage as an observer. Did [Director] Jamie Lloyd give you specific direction for those moments, or was that left up to your own interpretation?

No actually Jamie was quite forensic about that. We talked a lot about the fact that while they're not in the scene, they're alive in spirit. The thinking behind it is, the majority of the scenes take place between two characters, but in each of those scenes, they talk about the third entity, the other one, the one who is not present. And the idea being is that the two characters in the scene, whether it be Jerry and Emma, Robert and Jerry, Robert and Emma, these characters are in some ways haunted by the presence of the other character. And that's very prominent towards the end of the play, in the scenes with my character and Zawe's character, where the guilt is mounting and they talk about Robert and they almost see him in their mind's eye. And of course from an audience point of view he is there, looking at them. It's almost like a ghost - you know, like they're being haunted. And that was Jamie Lloyd, our director's idea, and I think it was a brilliant one. To my knowledge this play hasn't been done that way before but I heard a lot of people say that they can't imagine it being done any other way now.

The other challenge of course is, Pinter's characters tend to drink a lot of alcohol during the play and of course there's no opportunity to relieve oneself during the course of the show. So while most of my day revolves around making sure that I'm hydrated, after 4 pm, I make sure to not take any liquids in!

Well that's one challenge that didn't occur to me! I wanted to talk about Jerry's journey in this story which, unlike a typical play, occurs in reverse order. What unique challenges does that create for you as an actor?

That's an interesting question actually. There's a couple of things that spring to mind. The first one is that I feel that the Jerry we meet at the beginning of the play, which is of course the end of the story, I don't think he would ever behave the way the Jerry at the beginning of the story behaves. Meaning that I think we should first meet a man as the play begins who, from the experience that we are about to witness going backwards in time, now has a sadness about him, now has a world-weariness about him, there is loss of innocence, there is a sense that life has kind of humbled him a little bit and the dreams and the hopes and the aspirations that he had when he was younger have slightly been crushed. And while he still puts on a brave face and he has great charisma and is enjoyable to be around, he has come from a place of such romanticism and greatness and excitement. So from an acting point of view, I want Jerry at the end of the play, the beginning of this story, to feel more youthful, to appear to have a great sense of reckless excitement and romanticism. And so when he declares his undying love to Emma, hopefully it shouldn't feel too cynical and too duplicitous, although of course that is the nature of it. It also comes from an almost child-like experience of great profound love, and of course that's what Pinter does brilliantly; he stipulates that Jerry is drunk so it's only with the added help of alcohol lubrication that allows him to say what he says, which is what sparks off this entire chain of events. So one of the challenges during the course of the ninety minutes is just to slowly appear or seem to grow more youthful, more energetic as we go back in time. And as you said, since you can't leave the stage, you can't achieve that with the help of makeup or anything like that.

Do you think people view Jerry as the villain of the story?

You know, when I read the play for the first time, I remember thinking the great challenge for my character and for this play to work, is that Jerry has to be likable. If any one of the three of us are considered "the baddie", if any one of the three characters kind of becomes the one who's to blame, then I don't think the play works. And again what Harold does brilliantly is, he makes them all flawed. So during the course of the play you learn that all three of them have their problems and their faults. And I think the character with whom you kind of sympathize with shifts throughout the play. First you meet this couple who are in love and they have this something special and obviously there's a nostalgia and a sadness and they're meeting up at the end of an affair. And then you realize that actually the affair was with the guy's best friend and this woman's husband and you think, 'well that's not very nice!' And then you meet Robert, who is of course the victim of this betrayal, but then you learn that he has potentially been hitting his wife and so your sympathy shifts once again. And ultimately what you come to learn is that they are three flawed characters, all three love each other very much, and they've misplaced the experience of this love which has led to great pain, and ultimately to the separation of all three of them.

So my hope is that Jerry is not seen as the villain. What I tried to do with Jerry is make him as sympathetic and as likable as possible. And I believe the way you do that is, while you can't change what he does and what he says, you must make the audience believe that he does love Emma, but also believe that he loves Robert as well, and that he is as distraught with the ruin of his friendship as he is from the ruin of the affair.

And along those lines, there is such great chemistry on stage among you and Tom and Zawe. Was that something that was there from the very beginning?

Well I knew Tom a little bit, Tom and Zawe knew each other a little bit, me and Zawe did not know each other, but yes, it's a combination of Jamie being clever and kind of really bringing us together. From day one we got very, very lucky. And a lot of credit goes to Tom as well who has kind of insisted, in a loving way, that we warm up together, that we behave as a unit when in the theater. So we regularly go out to dinner, we regularly chat, we're all in a WhatsApp Group, we warm up everyday together on the stage as a threesome. And I have never done that before and I found it to be immensely helpful. We've all become very close, and we even have a bit of a dance we do before the show sometimes to get us all going. And I have to say this, I feel very, very lucky because I would not like to do this play if there was some bad energy between any of the three of us, I think it would be really uncomfortable.

Do you find that New York audiences are reacting any differently to the play than the London audiences?

I think they are slightly more lively actually, which was surprising. I had wondered if some of the humor was very English, so much so that it might be lost on New York audiences, because Harold Pinter and the characters are so, you know... English. But no I have not found that to be the case at all. We've found that the audiences are very lively and enjoy it and laugh and cry in all the right places. I do think what has helped with that is the amount of international television and movies. You know everyone in America has seen Downton Abbey, so everyone is very familiar with Englishness and all that, so I do think that helps.

The play was written in 1978. Why do you think the story still seems so relevant in today's times?

I think in the same way when you go through a break-up you suddenly become excruciatingly aware that every movie and every song seems to have been written about lost love, found love, it's in everyone's lives. Everyone has had an experience of loving someone deeply and those first few weeks and months, and sometimes the heartbreak and reconnection, and it's such a powerful emotion. When we were still in the rehearsal room I remember talking about how we have to remember that when you feel that kind of love you often behave in a way that resembles madness, craziness, it really drives people to lunacy. And this is a play about love. It's called 'Betrayal' because it's about the consequences of love when one's intentions are clouded by other things. But it could just as easily been called 'Love' in my mind.

It's so unique that the entire cast is making their Broadway debut in this production. What has that experience been like?

You know funny enough it kind of took the individuality out of it, which I think is a great thing. It made us feel like we are Broadway debuting. And you know the producers and the director, it's their Broadway debut as well. And it's the debut for Eddie Arnold, who is the wonderful actor who plays the waiter and he is fabulous. You know we always joke that it's so frustrating that he's on stage for such a short time and yet he gets the biggest laughs of the night! So he has obviously become as much a part of the family as anyone, so that's been fantastic. So yes, it feels like we're all here, kind of like Brits on Broadway, very honored to be here. I feel very, very welcomed and everyone's just been so kind and generous. And I just feel like I'm living the dream really, just too lucky for words.

So it sounds like you'd be happy to return one day in the near future.

Oh my gosh, yes - one hundred percent!

BroadwayWorld congratulates Charlie Cox on his Broadway debut in Betrayal. Cox was the lead in Netflix/Marvel series "Daredevil" and was most recently seen in the film "King of Thieves." In 2014 the actor starred opposite Eddie Redmayne and Felicity Jones in Working Title's "The Theory of Everything." He also portrayed the Irish enforcer Owen Sleater in the HBO series "Boardwalk Empire." In 2016, Cox starred in Manhattan Theatre Club's production of Nick Payne's play INCOGNITO, for which he was nominated for a Lucille Lortel Award.

[d6official]

Day6 Talk Putting Themselves Into New 'The Book of Us: Gravity' EP

It’s been over half a year since Day6released December’s Remember Us, the second half of their Youth album series. Preceded by that June's Shoot Me, the five-member Korean pop band spent the duology exploring topics revolving around the titular theme, but now they’re ready to move on. Today (July 15), the act dropped their new EP The Book of Us: Gravity, a six-track album that spends it time ruminating on ideas of how one interacts with oneself and the world around them, and how each individual writes the story of their own life.

Ahead of the release of The Book of Us: Gravity, bassist-vocalist Young K, who served as sole lyricist on all but one track of the album, and guitarist-vocalist Jae spoke with Billboard over the phone from Seoul to discuss what it meant to them to make their return with such heavy themes even while keeping the overall sound full of enthusiasm and jaunty excitement.

Billboard: How do you guys feel ahead about the album’s release? It’s been seven months since your last new music, and this is your first album of 2019.  

Young K: Ever since 2017, because of the Every Day6 project, we were releasing two songs a month. So we were used to putting out albums very frequently, and having shows every time.

Jae: It’s been a while since we had this much time in between our releases, but we definitely want to hype you guys up a little bit because we’ve been gone but we’ve been plotting. We’ve been in the studio, just working out and trying to make an album that’s sufficient for the long term that we’ve been gone. And we’re pretty happy with the byproduct so I think it’s going to be a good album.

You were pushing out content so frequently with the Every Day6 project, so in comparison this must have been a lot more relaxed. Was there any effect on your creative process versus what you were doing then compared to now?

Young K: We were kind of rushed with the time [for Every Day6] but always had to put out our best, so we were, of course, stressed. This time we had more time but that also gave us a different kind of stress because we wanted to give out something we haven’t been giving out and something that could top the ones that we already put out. We’ve been preparing. We actually wrote more than the ones that are being released.

We only picked the songs that are the best. We didn’t, actually. The company did it. [Laughs]

Jae: Yeah, we have a lot of songs. Regarding feeling different from Every Day6, it does and it doesn’t. We always are songwriting, so it’s kind of like Every Day6 but not in that big format. [Laughs] The grind! We had a lot of fun with it. It is stress, but it’s a good kind of stress.

How do you manage that? You’re writing your own music, you’re working on your own stuff, but then you have to deal with the management of JYP Entertainment and what they expect you to put out.

Jae: Being at JYP, there are certain things that they look for in songs and I feel like we’re starting to come to an understanding of what that is. We always try to incorporate those elements into our music as well. But in general, I guess, everyone likes good music so I feel like if it’s something lyrically that you can connect with, that’s an important point. The melody sounding a little bit fresh. I just feel like good music is what makes it.

Listening to it, The Book of Us: Gravity has a bit more of an upbeat style than some of your past releases. What would you say is the inspiration behind this album?

Young K: The one before was the Youth series, so we talked about how people near our age grow up and how they are living. But in this album, we wanted to focus more on human relationships, how they interact with one another. Basically, the inspiration, of course, came from the life that I have been -- we have been living. But also, everyday conversations, how people live, how they talk, the expressions they have on their faces. Basically everything that we experienced in our life could become an inspiration.

The album is called The Book of Us and the single “Time of Our Life” features a lot of literary references. What’s the meaning behind this?

Young K: I guess the book means a life. It’s a story we write down as we live. Our title song “Time of Our Life,” in Korean it means “So That It Becomes One of the Pages” (“한 페이지가 될 수 있게”). So when we put out this song, and when we’re all singing it together at the concerts or when you’re listening to this song, I hope that this song can become one of your pages, a moment in your life, your book. The Book of Us. Everyone.

So the song is both about love and also an inspirational message you want fans to take away, “I want this song to be part of your life”?

Young K: Yeah, exactly.

What do you want people to know about the music video?

Jae: All music videos are different, but I think this one is particularly different because we took a little more of a fun approach to a lot of the scenes. You’ll see us do a lot of fun and silly stuff that we don’t normally do in our music videos, and I think that’ll be a little bit refreshing for the people that have been with us on this journey.

Why is the album subtitled Gravity?

Young K: Out of human relationships, we focused on the beginning. I guess because it’s a new beginning. Gravity means that we’re being pulled towards one another.

Jae: That kind of emotion and anxiety and positive stress that you get when meeting new people, where romantically or not. At the beginning of anything, the beginning of a relationship, whether it’s romantically or with a coworker or with a friend or with someone you’ve just met on the street, it all starts with this Korean word “설레임” (seol-le-im). I don’t know how to explain that.

Young K: It’s not “설레임.”

Jae: Oh, “설렘” (seol-lem). It’s “설렘.” Sorry, “설레임” is an ice cream.

Young K: It’s like the emotion…

Jae: Excitement!

Google says it’s “flutter.”

Young K: I guess flutter could work...

Jae: Basically, our album this time we did want to focus a little bit more on the positive things, at the beginning.

Is Gravity going to be the first of a series, since you’re talking about it being a beginning?

Jae: To be honest, I don’t know if anyone can answer that question. But… I don’t know. Possibly? Maybe, maybe not. I’m not sure. We just like making music.

There are five other tracks on the album. What do you want people to take away from The Book of Us: Gravity as a whole?

Young K: One of the messages that we did want to give out was that, in order to start a healthy relationship with somebody else we feel like we need to know who you are first. You need to know yourself first, so there are some songs giving out that message. For example, there’s a song called “For Me.” In the beginning, the song talks about, “Who are you? I want to get to know you.” But actually, it’s to the person standing in the mirror. From now on, I’m going to get to know you. I’m going to try harder to be closer to you, even though I’ve been next to you longer than anyone in this life. So that’s why it’s called “For Me.” And there’s a song called “Cover.” In Korean, it’s called “포장” (po-jang), which is like “packaging.” Throughout my life, I’ve been covering up who I am to be better, to look better. But as time went by, the cover started to get worn out, and you’re starting to see who I am. I feel like, we feel like, everyone goes through this kind of thinking, the idea that we always need to do something or be someone else in order to be better, to satisfy other people. But who you are inside is more important, I guess.

Do you feel you’ve uncovered what the packaging used to be covering up?

Young K: Yes, and no. Because that’s the song that I co-wrote with [rhythm guitarist-vocalist] Sungjin. We both talked about this idea. It can also happen for everyday life. For example, business. You want to look more professional, or you feel like you need to talk more [using] difficult words. For example, right now. I want to talk more fluently, but I don’t know much vocabulary. And also coming from the idea of “Young K” because I felt like I needed this Young K character to be the person who stands on the stage, and be somebody I’m not. I feel like I made that because I want to become better at my craft, better as a person in general. I want people to see that better, cooler person. I’m working towards that.

You want people to see that person, but does that mean you’re still covering up your self?

Young K: I’m not really covering it up, but at the same time I’m filling up the things that’s inside the packaging. While having this cover, making something that’s inside the cover become better.

Jae: Evolving in the cover.

Jae, what are some songs on the album you particularly feel you put yourself into that you want people to take note of?

Jae: I’m not saying it because it’s our title song but I really appreciate “One Page” [“Time of Our Life”] because it’s interesting. When we’re choosing the songs, there’s a system, right? We had like 15-20 songs we wrote from this album plus other songs we wrote before. We were giving rankings, like top three, that we thought would be a good fit on the album. It was really weird because I never really thought about that song too much after writing it, but after listening to all the songs the next day I would just be thinking about that one song. It was really weird. But it has a weird pull that it has on the listener.

Young K: Gravity!

Jae: Gravity! It was really strange, but I really feel that people will enjoy the song.

Day6 changed up its style a little bit on this album, with a lot brighter sounds and more vibrant synths than some of your prior releases. Was that intentional?

Jae: Definitely. We’re always working towards progressing ourselves, whether it’s towards a change in a different genre, or different sources or different sounds. We’re always looking for change, positive change.

Where do look to inspiration from as you continue to develop as artists?

Jae: I feel like we draw different kinds of inspiration for every song. If you listen to our title and then “How to Love,” they’re both vibrant and they’re both very positive, but they’re different kinds of positive. One's a little groovier, a little bit more of that brass, while the other is a bit more pop rock, punk rock. I guess specifically speaking, when we were writing “Page [Time of Our Life],” I was thinking of a more Fall Out Boy kind of feel would be nice on a song.

Young K: Everyday life would be the biggest inspiration. Basically we wanted to write about how people live their lives, any feelings that they would get from anything.

What do you hope people will feel like when listening to the album?

Jae: We say this a lot, but we really hope that people will vibe with it. Really feel the kind of emotions that we’re putting into it. Like I said previously, something that we work on lyrically is that they’re situations or emotions that you can feel in everyday life. We just want you to live those emotions with us because we’re living it with you.

We’re running out of time, but is there anything else you want people to know about the release of The Book of Us: Gravity or your upcoming world tour that it precedes?

Jae: We’re really sorry that it took so long for us to comeback, but we really wanted to comeback with an album that satisfies our curiosity with music as well as would satisfy everybody else’s.

It’s only been seven months, which is relatively short for musicians outside of the K-pop industry where things are much more fast-paced. But it doesn’t seem that long, especially since you were putting out that much content over the past few years. Do you really feel you need to be sorry?

Jae: I think so. [Laughs.] I think so, because being an artist you have a responsibility to put out music and let people hear the emotions that you feel. Once you take upon this mantle, you kind of accept that. That you’re being very honest and open with your audience. And we are a little bit sorry that we couldn’t express what we were feeling in our everyday lives a little bit faster. But we wanted to get it right. That’s what took a little bit of time. Oh, and for our tour! We’re super excited. Super ready. I hope everyone is ready to have fun and have a good night. When you come to our show, make sure to bring all the stress, all the hardships, all the bad emotions that you’ve been feeling in your everyday life. Bring those, we’re going to settle those.

© Billboard

[idio-cies]

Tine and Anxiety

How are people feeling? Knowing that tomorrow is the last episode of this beautiful series? Sad? Excited? Don’t want it to be over? Same

Welp, this may or may not hurt when reading and probably won’t be my last meta/analysis on this series. Anyways... This is a long post folks, so make sure you are sitting comfortably.

I am almost certain that Tine accentuates some kind of anxiety.

I don’t like diagnosing people, but this is just something that I deeply relate Tine with. As a person who has CFS/ME with depression and anxiety, who also has a best friend with severe anxiety, my mum and sister also having depression as well as having many other friends with mental health issues revolving around anxiety and/or depression and doing a lot research both on anxiety and depression. I know the ins and outs of these mental illnesses. I will not go into further detail because as I am trying by hardest to not sound like an obnoxious twat whilst writing this.

I came across this article so I could check that I was right about relationship anxiety which Tine does express. This is pretty self-explanatory so you can read at your own leisure if you wish, but as a brief summary relationship anxiety most likely comes out of previous bad relationships, low self-esteem an attachemnt style one has grown up with in childhood (honestly this is another thing entirely, I talk a little bit about this here), but also relies on knowing oneself, having good communication etc.It just screams out here.

I need to clear things up as well before I really start getting in deep. It is correct that every human being has self-doubt, it is intrinsic to the human psyche, there is no doubt about it, unless you are self-righteous or have learnt that you are loved and you can love yourself a healthy amount, then good for you! This video is a good summary of how disliking oneself is natural human response

Now, where anxiety related to Tine comes in is the fact that he ruminates, he worries excessively and his automatic response to things going wrong he places on himself, and just in general has such a deep lack of self-worth and self-love that all you wanna do is cuddle him all day. This takes it further than what a normal human beings response is. 

Tine obsesses, and as a result makes him spiral and becomes unwell. Rumination is both a feature of Anxiety and depression. This is where things get tricky because Depression and Anxiety work hand in hand, with some traits crossing over (such as rumination), you can also have panic attacks with depression as well. The reason why I think it is anxiety is because of how things morphed with Tine, how he worried himself to be literally sick on more than one occasion

and it looks like he does the same this week. You can see the IV and how he is laying 

and he doesn’t to eat

This is not “normal human behaviour”. Worrying so much it makes you ill is one thing (see article here), but actively avoiding food is another thing. It’s another response people have when they are under extreme stress, though people can also over eat.

My analysis of “Escape” supports rumination.

There is no category that I will place him. I will leave this article here for people to go through if they are interested (I’m sorry, I know this is a lot of links, I just want to prove what I’m saying). 

so, when we meet Tine he seems like this ball of energy, he comes across as self-righteous with his Mr Chic facade

But that’s the thing: it’s a facade, it’s a coping mechanism, which shields him. I wouldn’t say that this is a classic example of anxiety as anyone can put up a front to hide all sorts of things. I know that I used to have facades or personalities I use in front of people.

Anyway, this Mr. Chic persona was all that, a persona, he took refuge in it. Which is why we see the comeback of it in ep 9 as he was experiencing some stage fright mixed with a heck of a lot of self-doubt and stress, which Green had identified was a coping mechanism!!!!

This front was used in order to block himself from being hurt, from rejection and from life in general, as well as of course criticism. His friends aren’t the brightest bunch, though evidently Fong (bless his heart) is very emotionally intelligent and let us know that they were aware of Tine and how he self-imposes on himself, has to prove his worth etc

This explains why he was so fatalistic in ep 11

Because he is still putting himself on trial and their relationship

It was legit after the tree got trodden on it all went wrong 

Poor Nuisance Tree... RIP

Anyway, but as friends do, they tease each other, which is ultimately something that Tine is afraid of. He doesn’t like the teasing. Based on my perspective of teasing, I bite back with teasing, but it may be because it’s because I am sensitive about it. Tine by no means has my temper, so it doesn’t surprise me if he is effected and is scared to be teased because in all actuality, he is sensitive about those topics. 

Next, he gets obsessed. People noticed about not moving on from Sarawat, there are a few explanations. 1. they needed it for Sarawat’s popularity to broadcast it 2. I bet you Tine got intrigued 3. potentially, he got obsessed with the idea. Tine was adamant to “get rid of Green” this in of itself was an obsession and no fucking wonder it backfired. Some, “normal, healthy” people I’m sure would’ve moved on, but oh no, not this dumbass quartet

Which is another thing. He is heavily influenced by his friends. Naturally, a person listen and adapt their thinking to their peers, but some don’t and are adamant in their thoughts. What gets me here is that Tine practically doesn’t allow himself to think for himself very much. I mean, it’s natural to go to friends for advice, but he was always very quick to go “yeah you’re right”. He is too easily swayed by what his friends tell him or their philosophies. Go look at episode 8 1/4 6:50 onwards. He concludes so quickly... Though I guess in this round, he felt it was right.

As soon as he sees one “fit” per se, that is it, which is apt as he is always been on the search for “the one”

(It will not surprise me if this series does full circle, and has Tine going to Sarawat once more as Sarawat did all of the chasing after this... kinda)

Tine can make up his mind very quickly once he sees fit. The only time he has really made sense and not listened to his friends fully was when he realised he loved Sarawat, and he went hell for leather on proving himself in episode 9. 

Tine had to prove himself in order to be worthy of Sarawat to love him, he thought he had failed, but Sarawat showed him a different perspective. Sarawat is very good at comforting Tine and showing him a new perspective... 

Sarawat is so good in this scene, because he tells Tine (in their little hypothetical language) that it is up to Tine is in control (which he felt he wasn’t), that Sarawat won’t pressure him, and that he is enough just as he is. That he doesn’t need to prove himself.

To a degree he helps every time, but as I have said before, if Tine is anything like me, those affirmations are useless after a couple hours max.

This post and also this one are really good at explaining Sarawat, and my perception of the last episode, so please also give those a read because I don’t want to repeat and make this even longer than it is! I do not blame Sarawat, and understand that it is human to make mistakes, which is also why I am making this post, because Tine is also wrong and is not helping their relationship or himself!!!

The time when he did believe in them was during episode 10 with Type in the house... it was extraordinary

Sorry I love Sarawat’s reaction to this

It’s like “Okay, you got it, why you gotta be so cute tho” 

Then the next week it goes downhill again and he believes that he is the one causing everything to go wrong (ahem, look at the first article)

He puts all the blame on himself... But Sarawat was always there to tell him that it was okay, that he was there with him, never got angry, just gave him smiles and headpats galore while looking at him with all the love in the world

I had to add in the “lets go to bed” bit here 

because I feel like it’s under appreciated. Sarawat was continuously telling Tine “we can look for it later, lets focus on this for now” and did a little nod. He was trying to help Tine not feel so bad, he recognised it and tried to give him comfort. He tried setting an agenda, so that Tine didn’t need to be overwhelmed with processing too many things if that makes any sense? He cares a lot and knew it was bothering him. It didn’t work as Tine was riddled with guilt, so he wasn’t satiated by it unfortunately, but this trip really did churn everything up :/ 

It’s just super hard to get Tine to feel alright in himself, but Sarawat is so lovely about it all. He loves Tine so much, so this week is going to hurt so bad when Tine tries to break things off as it is just going to be so difficult to make sure Tine is secure in himself and the relationship... I better stop

The fact that this is the state Tine puts himself in, again and again screams anxiety to me. The facade kept things up for a while, but I would not be surprised if this is how he went through life for quite some time. Plus the fact that Type also shows this need for a facade by trying to be a perfectionist is very interesting as well. 

Of course, I can be wrong in all of this. Please don’t hold me to it, but as a person who profoundly resonates with Tine, and would consider myself to be well versed in anxiety, I think that Tine most likely does have a form of anxiety. He just takes “self-doubt” to the next level. 

As always I am welcome to discussion! Credits to those blogs with the posts I linked to! 

Thank you for reading, I hope you guys are all staying safe, and I look forward to tomorrows episode ^-^ 

I am so not ready to let it go 😭😭