#this is a middle school relationship like

[yuuuhiii]

⌗ ﹙✿﹚ it all started with a kiss ⠀︵⠀⠀⊹⠀

includes : 9.2k words, jock!yuuji x reader, childhood friends to lovers, fluff, angst, smut so minors dni!, cursing, mutual pining, Yuuji is LOVEsick

a/n : This took a while for me to finish but I really hope you guys love it!!

Chatter is heard amongst the outdoors. The wind softly rustled the trees and grass. Your friends are in the cafeteria, confused about where you could have gone.

You're behind the school, where it’s a little dark, a little hidden, and quiet. However, you weren’t alone, a certain pink-haired boy had accompanied you. Why may you ask?

It all started with a reunion with your old childhood friend. Yuuji Itadori was your next-door neighbor. You both grew up together and were always stuck to the hip until middle school.

He had moved and even though both of you had went to the same school. You guys gradually faded away from each other's life. Busying yourself with your guy's own friendships and school.

That was until your freshman year when your mom invited him and his family for the holidays. Like anyone, it was awkward at first. Simple greetings and sheepish nods. When you got bored, you noticed he was too, so you invited him to your room.

You both were sitting on your bed. You crisscrossed as Yuuji was splayed out on his back. Finally breaking the ice, you both fell into a comfortable conversation. Reminiscing about events from your guy's childhood. Then it somehow led to your “love” life.

“I mean can we even call that a relationship?” He laughed, turning to look at you as you laughed along with him. Without much thought, he spoke his mind.

“So how was your first kiss?” He gazes up at you, his puppy eyes looking so full and curious. You smile, pulling your legs to your chest.

“I haven’t had it yet.” You giggle and he sits up.

“Hey! Me neither!” He points at himself, a laugh leaving him.

Silence fills your room but it’s in no way awkward. Until Yuuji’s words have your eyes widening.

“Would you wanna kiss me?” Your head snaps towards him and you’re flushing even more at the look he is giving you.

He wasn’t even fazed; his eyes were full of sincerity. However, your silence makes him backtrack.

“Sorry. That was probably weird huh?” He airily laughs, rubbing his neck. You blink, shoving your nervousness away, you speak up.

“Are you fine with me being your first kiss?” His eyes meet yours again, that same intense honest gaze. He nods his head with a small smile.

It honestly bothers you that he doesn’t look fazed at all. Only because you knew you were a flushing mess. Unbeknownst to you, his heart was hammering against his chest. He scoots closer to you; he’s staring at your lips and you’re staring in his eyes. You both are leaning closer and closer, your eyes slowly shutting.

That is until you hear your door open, and you both are shooting away from each other. A huge flush on both of your faces.

“There you two are! Come downstairs!” Your mom says as you both scatter out of your room.

After that failed attempt of sharing your guys first kiss, you’ve noticed him more around school. His bright smile always directed towards you with an excited wave too. That night in your room hasn’t left Yuuji’s mind since then. So that led you to where you were right now. It seems Yuuji was more nervous than that night in your room.

“Are you sure you wanna kiss me?” You look away and he perks up, nodding happily like an excited puppy.

You step closer to him and his hands lift up awkwardly, not knowing where to rest them. You quickly grasp them and he softly gasps.

As his lips were parted you rose on your tippy toes, your lips lightly touching his. Your hand softly caresses his cheek, and he gains more confidence. Resting a hand on the small of your back, pulling you closer to him.

The kiss was deepened, and you can feel Yuuji smile in the kiss. By the time you both pull away your hands are resting on his chest and his hands on your waist. Your blush mirrors his and he’s so giddy.

“I’d say that was a good first kiss. Definitely worth it.” He quips, he almost looks dazed, his eyes are lidded and soft. Lovesick was the only way you could describe it. You shove his chest playfully and he smiles brightly.

“I’m not joking!” He laughed.

But just like that, things went just to how they were before. Small waves and stolen glances. It didn't affect you as much, I mean at some point, you did feel like maybe he only used you for a kiss.

Yuuji was attractive and was that stereotypical dream boy, so it’s not like he didn’t have girls lined up.

Highschool was done in the blink of an eye and you were in college, already transferring to your four year. Life was going on fast, new relationships and new friendships, endings to old friendships, it was a lot. Now you were moving into an apartment and were excited to meet your roommate. Nobara Kugisaki was her name.

“You’re the talk of the campus.” She says as she helps you with your boxes and you give her a look.

“What does that mean?”

“Well, it’s a little odd that you transferred in the middle of the year so.”

“No one's ever heard of a gap year?”

“Right? Anyways wanna go study at the library in a bit? I know you have to go check out your new job.” You hum in reply.

Your head falls against the table with a groan.

“Nobara I don’t think I can continue.” She slumps as well.

“Me neither.” She rests her head on the table as well. Suddenly she’s sitting up, shaking the life out of you.

“What! What!” You yell and she slaps a hand over your mouth, pointing to the entrance of the library.

A group of boys walk in, and you’re struck with major nostalgia. You knew that pink fluff of hair from anywhere.

“Those are the basketball players! Major players in a different game if you know what I mean.” Nobara tuts and you roll your eyes.

Yet your eyes still follow Yuuji. She begins naming all of them and that eases your mind, it really was him.

“I know him.” You say calmly and she’s snapping her head between you and the guys.

“Huh? Which? Which one.” You nod your head towards the group.

“Yuuji. We were close when we were little.” Nobara awes.

“We were each other’s first kiss.” Nobara pauses.

“What!” She yells, turning heads from people around you guys. The librarian shushing you both. You even catch the attention from some of the guys.

“You were each other’s first kiss?!” She whisper yells.

“Yea. Who would’ve guessed he’d be a heartbreaker though, I thought he was too sweet for that.”

Nobara leans in, eyes shooting side to side. “I heard he got his heart broken. Heartbroken becomes the breakee.” She raises her brows and you laugh.

“I guess that makes sense.”

Now from the moment Yuuji walked in and heard Nobara’s screech he had his eyes glued on to you. You looked stunning, as if just laying his eyes on you made him want to take a big breath of air. That’s what you were, a breath of fresh air.

He knew it was you, of course it was, he’d never be able to forget you. He's stealing glances the whole time, so he doesn’t hear his friends plan about throwing a huge party.

“You listen'n?” His friend questions and Yuuji shakes his head.

“Ah, my bad.” He mutters, stealing another glance. Two of his other friends follow his trail of sight, turning back with a smug grin on their faces.

“Oh? You already got eyes on the new transfer?” They wiggle their brows.

“I don’t blame you, she’s fucking hot.”

One of them says and Yuuji frowns at their comment. Look, obviously they were only speaking the truth but just the thought of one of them pursuing you didn’t sit right with him. Solely because he knew they wouldn’t treat you right.

Yea, definitely.

He perks up when you get up with Nobara, your laugh striking his ears. At the same moment he smiles at the sound, you turn around, only to lock eyes with him, causing both of your eyes to widen. You send him a small smile and he feels his thoughts melt away.

“Hello?! Yuuji!”

“Y-Yea what?”

“You better be at the party dude.”

“Mhm.”

Start of a new week and you’re already at your new job. It wasn’t bad or good, you’d just say mediocre. Some days rush hour was a pain in the ass and other days you swore you saw a tumbleweed pass by.

Today was a tumbleweed kind of day. You stand there with your chin in the palm of your hand. You could wipe down the tables, mop the floors, take out the trash but you had already done that.

Right when a sigh leaves you, the bell chimes, signaling customers. You quickly stand up straight, a fake smile on your face. It almost falters when you see who had entered.

It’s Yuuji!

But with a girl stuck to his side, her hands gripping his bicep. His eyes widen at the sight of you as well.

“You know what I want right Yuu Yuu? I’m gonna grab us a table.” The girl squeaks, walking over to a booth. You almost cringe at her voice but you try not to let it get to you.

“Hi! What can I get you started with today?” You say optimistically. Yuuji is frozen and you shift on your feet.

“Let me know when you ready.” You nod your head while he shakes his.

“S-Sorry! I’m ready.” He gulps and you smile, taking his order.

“Your order will be right out.” You slightly bow and he hums, hovering for just a bit.

He returns back to the girl he came with and she's immediately talking his ear off however his mind is somewhere else, specifically on you.

Once you finished, you put their drinks on a tray and walk over to their booth. When you reach their table, you set his drink on the table however the girl reaches for hers. When you let go, you’re surprised to see it fall and spill everywhere. The girl throws her hands up, a displeased look on her face.

“What the fuck is your problem!” She yells standing up quickly. From the napkins you brought you try to help her, but she shoos you away.

“Get the fuck away from me, is it really that hard to just serve a drink?” She snaps and you bite your tongue, your eye twitching.

Within a moment she’s standing up, pushing the doors open as she left. You sigh and Yuuji is sat there, blinking. You rush to go grab rags, coming back and quickly placing them on the ground.

“Let me help.” Yuuji gets on his knees, and you’re shocked to see he’s still here. He tried to grab the rag from you, but you snatch it back.

“It’s ok, I got it. You’re not gonna go after her?” You stare up at him and he shrugs.

“Not really a point, she just wants to fuck me.” You deadpan at his words, and he covers his mouth.

“Sorry, that’s weird.” He awkwardly laughs and you stand up. He gets up and stays next to you as you wipe down the table. He admires you, your hair in a messy clip, little makeup on your features.

You hand him his drink and his fingers grace yours when takes it. You take his breath away without even trying. He’s sure you don’t know the effect you have on him and he’s glad you didn’t.

“I’ll see you around.” You mumble, walking behind the counter.

“Wait!” He yells and you turn around. “Are you coming to the party everyone’s talking about?” You blink and are confused on what party he’s even talking about.

“No?” He quickly pouts, resulting that of a kicked puppy.

“Why?” He practically whines.

“I wasn’t invited. I don’t know?” You wipe down the other tables.

“Well, I’m inviting you, come by! Bring your friends it’ll be fun!” He smiles and you can’t say no.

“I’ll see, parties aren’t my thing.” Right before he leaves, he turns around, sending you the softest and most bashful smile.

“You haven’t changed a bit.” It catches you off guard, but he’s gone in a flash, leaving you to ponder over his words.

When you reach back to your dorm Nobara already knew all about it.

“We’re going.” She shrugs and you hesitate.

“I don’t know…I might just stay here.”

“Didn’t Yuuji invite you?” She looks up from her phone and your brows rise.

“How do you know?” You say slowly.

“He told me. He’s so annoying, he’s pathetic really. Please! Please tell her to come!” She mimics and you laugh.

“That’s weird though, I haven’t talked to him in years.” You sigh, sitting on the stool at your guy's counter.

“He probably wants to catch up, if you know what I mean.” She makes obnoxiously loud kissing noises, and you roll your eyes.

“You’re so annoying, I’m going to bed.” You groan and she hollers.

“We’re going tomorrow you grandma!”

You meant it when you said parties weren’t your thing. Loud blaring music, colorful lights flashing, with a side of horny college kids grinding on each other. It's only been two weeks since you've transferred, and you didn't think coming to a party was going to be on your schedule.

Nobara is dragging you through the crowds of people while you're trying to balance your (her) heels and pull down your (her) dress. You finally reach an area with a good group of people.

"Hi, you guys this is my roomate." Nobara lightly pushes you in front of her. You glance around and nod.

"Uh, Hi." Nobara snorts and pulls you towards this green haired girl.

"Maki, can you get us shots please." Maki grins, seemingly pouring shots for everyone. After a meaningless countdown, you down your first shot. This was going to be a long night.

From across the room Yuuji has a beer in his hand. His brown eyes servicing the area, looking for someone in particular. As he takes another swig, a girl appears in front of him. He looks down at her and takes her in.

She had pretty long hair, her tits were about to spill out of her dress and her lips were glimmering.

"You're Yuuji right?" He nods, blinking at her. She pushes herself up against him and his breath hitches. Her hand is running against his bicep all the way up till the nape of his neck.

"You never answer any of my texts." She pouts, inching closer to him. Yuuji gulps because he knows where this will lead. Right before he continues, he glances up and there you are glowing.

You're wearing a white dress and heels. It makes his heart skip a beat, the way the light illuminates your face and your flushed cheeks. God he can't pull his eyes away. That's until he recognizes a guy towering over you, making his blood rush, maybe it was some of the alcohol too. He doesn't say anything to the girl that's on him, he just lightly moves her to the side.

Hakari Kinji, he was Yuuji's rival. He was from their rival school basketball team, everyone knew about them, at least one fight would break out when they played against each other. His question is why he's here and why he's talking to you.

"You're gorgeous. I'm guessing you don't got a boyfriend right? 'Heard you just transferred." He eyes you down and you gulp.

You feel cornered against this wall, he's big too. Thick muscles and at least six feet. You stumble on your words until you hear someone else speak.

"I thought I told you; you weren't welcome here."

Your eyes light up when you see Yuuji, but he looks scary. You've never seen this look on his face before, the way he stares this guy down it gave you chills.

"Yuuji! I was invited so you can go and get shitfaced drunk, you know embarrass yourself while you're at it." He grins moving to turn around, but Yuuji speaks again.

"Where's Kirara? I thought you told them you weren't gonna cheat anymore?" Hakari grabs Yuuji by the collar of his shirt, making him smirk.

"Keep Kirara out of your fucking mouth." Yuuji shoves him off of him, he quickly grabs your hand.

"Then leave her alone." He storms away until he reaches the backyard.

He huffs when you guys reach outside. It's a cold night so you quickly try to cover yourself. Yuuji looks down, his eyes perking up.

"Oh!" He frantically looks around. He spots a towel on a chair, as he sees there's a couple of people in the pool, he takes it.

"Here." He gently puts it over you. You gaze down at the towel and laugh. He blushes and laughs along with you.

"I'm really happy you came. I've been looking for you." He gazes at you, a soft smile rising to his face.

“Why? We haven’t talked in so long.” You mutter and he laughs.

“I know! But uh, you know I missed you.” You look at him, blinking in confusion and he clears his throat.

“You got quite the reputation around here.” You smirk and he grins.

“I know right, I’m the ace of our team.” He flexes his bicep.

“No, you’re a whore.” You laugh and he drops his arm.

“Oh.” He pursed his lips. You lean on him as you laugh and he smiles.

“You know it’s not really true, my friends are more of the sluts.” He plays with his hands.

“Not really true?” You quirk a brow.

“Well, you know, just some girls here and there.” He blushes.

“You get shy like a virgin.” You scoff and he sputters.

“W-What are you talking about!” He rubs his face.

“Always seeking that feeling huh.” You playfully roll your eyes.

You shiver and he catches this. He rests an arm around you, making you tense up.

“Sorry! Is this weird?” You shake your head and he nods.

“We can go back inside.” He says but you shake your head again.

“It’s too loud.” You sigh and he nods.

“So how’ve things been for you.” Then he gasps, tearing himself away from you.

“Oh my god! You don’t have a boyfriend right?” He looks mortified.

“No I don’t.” You giggle.

He lets out a relieved sigh and rests his arm around you again. You rest your head on his shoulder and Yuuji doesn’t know what’s gotten into him. He hasn’t felt this way since the last time you kissed him. Could he only feel like this when he was with you?

You hear a loud gasp from behind you guys, making you both turn around to see the culprit.

It’s a very drunk Nobara.

“No way! Get your slimy hands off her!” Nobara waddles towards you, pulling you off of him.

“Hey—What!” Yuuji pouts, reaching for you.

“Leave her alone! I won’t let you taint her.” She shoves your face in her chest, making you groan.

“Nobara, you’re drunk. Let me take you guy's back home.” She immediately lets you go.

“Can we get pizza.” She smirks and Yuuji sighs.

“Yes, we can get pizza.”

“Hooray!” She yells, linking arms with you both and exiting the party.

You all are back at your dorm, stuffed full of pizza as Nobara crashes on the couch. You finished resting the blanket over her and sigh.

“You look tired you should get some sleep.” Yuuji stares at you with his doe eyes. You laugh which makes him blink.

“You know even though you got taller and have muscles now. You still have that same puppy face.” You smile brightly and he blushes.

“Is that a good thing?” He breathily laughs.

“Yea, it is.” You whisper.

You don’t know when, but you guys are in each other's personal space, glancing in each other's eyes. You begin to lean in, but he stops you, almost letting out a whine.

“Fuck. You know I want too so bad but your drunk.” He caresses your face, his thumb gliding along your bottom lip. He licks his lips but huffs, placing a peck on your forehead.

“I’ll call you tomorrow, ok?” He goes to grab his stuff.

“With what number?” You smile.

He blinks.

“Right.” He whispers more to himself, walking back towards you and typing in his number.

“Get some sleep okay?” You nod, waving bye as he does the same. What were you two going do with each other.

A week had gone by and neither of you had mentioned what happened on the night of the party.

There was no need to right?

Nothing actually happened.

Yet many people did notice Yuuji seemed to walk around with an even brighter smile on his face.

“Dude who’s got you smiling like that.” One of his friends laugh as Yuuji taps away at his phone texting you.

“Helloooo?”

“Hm? What?” Yuuji blinks staring at his friends.

“You talking to another girl?” He asks.

“Nah she’s just a friend.” Yuuji mutters, texting you again.

“Wait a minute isn’t that the transfer?” One of his friends gazed over his shoulder.

“Hey!” He glared at him.

The guy whistles. “She’s an eye candy. Hey Yuuji let me know if she feels good, wouldn’t mind handling her.” He laughs, his other friends slapping him.

Yuuji clenches his fist. “Don’t even fucking think about it, she wouldn’t go for a guy like you.” Yuuji stands up, storming away.

“So much for just a friend.” They laugh.

Yuuji frowns as he walks away, he decides to give you a call, he knew you’d be able to calm him down.

“Hey! You got any classes right now?” He asks, chewing on his lip. You reply with a no, and he asks if he could stop by.

Knocks on your door get you up and away from the couch.

“Hey! I brought snacks I didn’t know what you wanted so I just grabbed a bunch of stuff—” He stops when he takes in your appearance.

You’re wearing a baggy shirt that covers your sleep shorts, your hair in a messy clip and your bare face looking pretty as ever. He gulps.

“Uh.” He stumbles, he stares at your thighs and then your eyes, realizing what he’s doing he snaps out of it.

You blink, opening the door wider. His ears and neck are flushed when he steps in.

“You can set them on the counter.” You walk over to the couch.

“O-Ok.” He mumbles. He removes his shoes and makes his way to sit next to you on the couch. He’s quieter now and it has you stealing glances at him.

“You good?” You pry, trying to find a tv show to kill time.

“Y-Yea! Mhm.” He chews on his lip. You narrow your eyes at him.

“Spit it out.” You say and he turns towards you.

“What?” He blinks frantically at you. You eye him up and down.

“You’re being weird.” You cross your arms and he’s avoiding your eyes.

“No, I’m—not.” He pouts and you smile. You nod and he huffs like a little kid.

“You’re just really beautiful and you make me nervous and I wanna kiss you.” He blurts out. You both stare at each other with wide eyes.

“Fuck.” He stands up.

“Fuck. I’m sorry. I should go.” Your thoughts are rushing and all bleeding into one.

“Yuuji.” You say before he can actually leave. He freezes his back still facing you.

“Come back over here.” He turns around, head hung low as he sits next to you. You sigh and he winces.

“Look. I don’t mind kissing you. I mean I’ve already done it once. But we have to have a serious talk about this, okay?” He stares at you and nods his head.

“Of course.” He smiles and you roll your eyes, smiling as well.

As the tv plays in the background, you scoot towards him. You rest your legs over his lap. Yuuji gulps, letting out a gasp of air. His hand hesitantly rests on your thigh as yours rest on his neck. He’s hot to the touch, making you smile.

“I didn’t know I had such an effect on you.” You giggle and he groans.

“Be quiet—” He lets out a surprised noise when your lips smash against his own. His eyes immediately fall shut and his lips move along with yours.

As your tongues dance along with each other, discovering one another’s mouths. His hands are getting desperate, grabbing at your thighs, your ass, anything really. You smirk against his lips and he whines. Shutting him up with another wet kiss.

“Y-You should totally come to my game.” He says in between kisses, completely dumbfounded with the way you kiss him so sweetly.

You were like poison, maybe even a drug and he was hooked. You pull away and he chases your lips, he pouts when you don’t kiss him back.

“Your game?” He nods eagerly.

“It's this Friday. I’d love to see you in the stands. With you in my jersey.” He rubs comforting circles along your thigh.

“With your jersey huh?” He nods again.

“Wouldn’t mind stealing a couple good luck kisses either.” He smiles excitedly. You hum, tapping your finger along his cheek.

“What are we then Yuuji.” You a raise a brow and he sits up, holding you close in his lap.

“Whatever you want us to be.” He kisses your cheek down to your neck.

“Not the right answer.” He pulls away, pouting.

“I’m not gonna be just another girl on your roaster.” You look at him sternly.

“You won’t be! I-I wanna, or I’d like to see where things go with you. I wanna make you mine.”

You blush at his words. You weren’t against it, Yuuji has always been a nice guy all around. He’s kind and caring, maybe even a little for his own good but that’s what you liked most about him. No matter what he always had a good heart and never changed.

“Prove it then. Show me you want me.” You smile and he does too.

"I will. I promise I will." His eyes look so full of light, sincerity swimming in them. You snort, pushing him away by his forehead.

You had to beg Nobara to tag along with you to the game.

"This was not how I wanted to spend my Friday night." She sighs as the gym roars in cheers and chants.

"I heard there's gonna be a party for the teams win." You say as your eyes follow Yuuji.

He played so swiftly, making baskets with ease. You found it funny, he had his own line of fan girls. They'd all fawn over him when he'd lift his shirt showcasing his abs just to wipe off sweat from his forehead.

"They already know they're gonna win?" Nobara snorts.

"Well, I mean they're winning by a lot. It's forty to sixteen." You both look at the scoreboard and wince.

"Yikes, yea there's no coming back from that."

It's halftime and Yuuji comes running to the bleachers. Nobara shoos you away and you playfully roll your eyes.

"Hey." He says breathlessly. You hand him his waterbottle and a towel, helping him wipe down all the sweat.

"Hi." You laugh and he smiles happily. You swear you can see a tail wagging behind him.

"You see all those baskets I made? They were all for you." He winks, waiting for your praise.

"Really? I didn't know with the way you'd point and wink at me." You laugh and he pouts.

"Was that lame?" He genuinely ponders.

"You're such a dork. It's cute." You smile and he laughs.

He pushes a strand of your hair behind your ear, pulling you into a kiss. It was supposed to be one, but he couldn't help himself, so he continuously kissed you.

"Yuuji." You mumble his name, and he sighs.

"Sorry, sorry. I can't help it." He caresses your face and you both smile.

For the rest of the half time, you guys are chatting up, when a girl sits next to Nobara.

"Are they dating?" Nobara side eyes the girl and continues to scroll on her phone.

"I haven't seen him in a while I didn't think he'd move on fast; he looks good." Nobara quirks a brow and finally decides to turn and see who was talking.

Her eyes widen.

"Yuko." She mumbles under her breath.

"Long time no see yea?" She smirks, her eyes running over your form.

"Why're you here?" Nobara grunts, a vein almost appearing on her forehead.

"Heard there was gonna be a party? Am I not welcome?" She pouts and Nobara rolls her eyes.

"No. You're not." She glares at her.

"You pain me, we were so close."

Nobara is growing hotter by the minute.

"Yea until you decided to cheat on Yuuji. Just get out of here and for the record he's moved on since you're apparently blind."

Yuko laughs, getting up. "We'll see about that." She whispers to herself.

Nobara clicks her tongue, watching as she recedes.

"What the fuck is she planning."

Yuuji had scored the winning point, well they were already winning but the last shot to seal the deal.

He doesn't even let his teammates cheer him on, he's running straight towards you. Kissing you with passion as he picks you up in his arms.

"I told you I'd win for you, I'm gonna shower real quick then we can head to the party."

Nobara had let you know she was going to go back to the dorm to get ready, so you waited by the locker room. A guy walks out with nothing, but a towel tied to him. You quickly look away and the guy laughs.

"Yuuji's in there, go say hi." You ignore him and Yuuji comes out at the exact same time. He scowls at the guy.

“Leave her alone.” He smiles right when sees you, his hand slips into the back pocket of your pants.

“Party time!” He cheers and you laugh.

When you guys arrive at the party he’s swept away (against his will) by his teammates. They wanted to celebrate since he shot the last winning basket. You immediately found Nobara and stook with her and Maki.

“So are you guys like dating?” Maki questions as she sips on her drink.

“Mm no, we’re talking. Things are going good so far, he’s always been sweet.” You smile, taking a sip of your drink but wincing at the taste. It was strong.

“Always?” She questions.

“Me and Yuuji go way back. We were next door neighbors.” Maki laughs but she meant well.

“That’s kinda cute.” Nobara laughs since Maki isn’t really one to call things cute.

Her smile fades when she sees who walks in through the doors. Yuko Ozawa. You don’t notice since you're chatting with Maki. But of course, the world hates Nobara and she walks right up to you guys.

“Hi you guys.” She’s smiles brightly. Such a gorgeous smile for such a two-faced person.

Maki glares at her.

“What the fuck is she doing here?” Nobara sighs and you look at her in confusion, only to find her already staring at you.

“Wow, you’re beautiful. I’d fall for you if I was Yuuji too.” She smirks and you tilt your head.

“You know…Yuuji?” You say hesitantly.

Listening to a girl about Yuuji’s experiences with him was not on your bucket list tonight.

“I’m his ex-girlfriend.” She holds out your hand and you stare at her as if she has two heads. She laughs as she puts her hand down.

“Why’re you still here?” Nobara narrows her eyes.

“I’m having such a fun time talking to…what’s your name?” You blink at her.

“Ugh whatever, you guys are boring.” She says as she steals your drink, chugs it, and walks away.

“She’s the one who broke Yuuji’s heart.” Nobara rubs her eyelids.

“That was a year ago though, he’s way happier now.” You hum lost in thought.

Speak of the devil, Yuuji comes stumbling towards you all.

“Pretty girl!” He throws his arms up, crushing you in a hug. He reeked of alcohol.

“Has Nobara been nice to you?” He smiles, leaning down to peck your lips.

“I’m always nice to her.” She scoffs and Yuuji laughs.

“Liar.” Nobara flips him off and he turns back to you.

“Are you having fun?” He carresses your cheek and you nod, your eyes distant.

“Good, I’m glad.” He leans down and kisses you again.

“I’m gonna use the restroom, can I sleep over?” He smiles charmingly and Nobara gags.

“Ew! No! I don’t wanna come back to you two fucking.” You blush and so does Yuuji.

“I-I’m just tired! I wanna sleep with her. W-Wait! Not like that! I mean—”

You peck his cheek.

“It’s fine, go pee and we’ll leave.” He hums at your words, kissing you with an exaggerated mwah and leaves.

As Yuuji walks to the restroom his heart soars. It honestly all feels like a dream to him. The both of you meeting once again and now he’s been given the chance to make you his. He has a dopey smile the whole time he’s in the restroom and out of it.

However, he hears a voice, one that he isn’t fond of like he used to be.

“Hey Yuu’.” He freezes in his tracks. His stomach drops and he turns around, his eye twitching.

It’s his ex-girlfriend, the girl he so confidently gave his heart to. Just for her to crush it into a million pieces. His breakup was harsh, he wasn’t himself for a year. He practically promised he’d never get so attached to a girl like that ever again.

Yet of course you came and changed that all for him. He was willing to give love one more chance if he knew it was with you. He gulps and she smiles.

“How’ve you been?” She says so sweetly, her words laced with venom. Yuuji turns around, powerwalking away but she grabs him.

“Yuu!” She weeps and Yuuji shuts his eyes closed.

“Listen to me please?” She stares up at him.

They’re glimmering but Yuuji knows they’re now dripping with malice intent. His breaths are short and uneven, he feels trapped within her grasp. Like a snake closing in on its prey.

“You know I never meant for any of this to happen. I wanted it to be you. I wanted us to work so bad.” Her lip jutters.

He places his hands on her shoulders to make space, staring at her with his aching eyes.

“Yuuji?” The both of them turn at the end of the hallway.

There you stand, with a confused look on your face, as the party lights flicker behind you. Yuko turns towards Yuuji, shoving her head in his neck and her hands gently on his head.

You sigh, turning around and leaving the scene. Leaving Yuuji to comprehend how bad this looks.

“You know me Yuuji, you’re the only one who knows me.” She caresses his face, and he breaks free from her grasp. His eyes are teary, and he runs a hand down his face.

“Don’t ever come back. Ever.” He runs a hand through his hair, leaving to go chase after you.

She grunts as he walks away, letting herself be consumed by the regret and guilt of her actions.

It seems Yuuji had forgotten about his car because he’s running all the way back to your apartment. It’s not like he could drive either way, he was intoxicated but that whole ordeal had really slapped some sense into him.

He’s panting in front of your door, frantically knocking. Nobara swings open the door with an unpleasant look.

“Oh, thank god, Nobara can I see—” She’s about to slam the door but Yuuji is quicker, holding out his hand.

“Please, I need to see her.”

Nobara grunts trying to push back but Yuuji is stronger. He makes it into the apartment and he's powerwalking to your room.

“Leave her alone!” She punches him and he winces. Since when did she know how to throw a good punch?

“C-Can we please talk.” He begs kneeling at your door and you huff from behind it. You crack open the door and Nobara gives you a look and you nod.

“I’m going with Maki.” She rolls her eyes.

The door closes and it’s only your small lamp that illuminates your faces. Yuuji is chewing at his lips, looking around your room. His jersey rested on your chair and you're in your pajamas.

“Say what you wanna say Yuuji.” You kick your feet, not glancing at him.

“It’s not what it looked like, I swear.” He pouts, your bed dipping when he sits next to you.

You pull yourself into a ball and he gets Deja vu. The first time he was in your room when you were both kids.

“Look Yuuji, if you’re not over her. I’m not gonna be your rebound.” You mumble against your knees. Yuuji swings towards you.

“No! No, you could never be. It's just, she caught me off guard. I didn’t think I’d see her again and just seeing her brought up all of the terrible feelings.” He looks at his lap, you glance at him and he’s messing with his hands.

“Exactly. If you’re not healed then—”

“It’s not that. I just really thought I’d never see her again. I told her to never come back. It’s like she always comes back when life is starting to genuinely feel good again you know?” He glances at you.

He moves your hair so he could see your face clearly, it’s a habit he’s grown to like.

“I don’t wanna dwell on her anymore, I’m over that and over her. I wanna be with you, only you.” He sighs.

You sigh as well, rubbing your eyes.

“I’m really tired Yuuji.” He nods.

“Shit you’re right I’m sorry.” He moves to stand up but you grab his hand.

“Stay.” You mumble and he blushes.

He takes off his shirt and his pants and shoes and you stare at him wide eyed. He halts and blinks at you.

“Um, I sleep like this. Let me put my—”

“Just get in bed Yuuji.”

“Right.” He shuts up.

He slips under your covers and at first, it’s a little awkward but then you rest yourself on his chest and his breath hitches. He’s frozen still and you smile.

“Your heart is beating really fast.” You drowsily say and he laughs lightly.

“S-Sorry.” He rests a hand behind his head and his other on your hip. He rubs soothing circles on your skin until he hears your soft breaths against his skin.

He smiles at your face, slowly and softly tracing your features. "I'd never hurt you. I promise." He whispers in your hair.

When you wake up, your flushed against Yuuji’s sturdy chest, his big arms wrapped around you securely. You move to turn around but he nuzzles his face into your hair.

“Mmm, five more minutes.” He grumbles, holding you tighter. You smile but of course all good things come to an end.

Nobara bursts through the door.

“Morning love birds!” She yells ripping open the curtains. You both groan and Yuuji pulls the covers over you both.

“Don’t wanna get up.” He mumbles and you smile.

“Let’s just stay in bed. Don’t wanna leave you.” He has you wrapped in his arms and legs like a koala.

Nobara scoffs, ripping the sheets off you both. Yuuji glares at her and the sun that shining bright down on him.

“Ugh, Nobara get out!” He whines and she grunts.

“This is my apartment! Go to yours!” He sucks his teeth, sitting up. He quickly holds his head.

“Shit, my head.” Your hand scratches his back and he lets out a gasp.

“You okay?” You mumble.

He turns to you and stares. Your hair is everywhere but you look so pretty. Your face is puffy but it makes your cheeks look bigger. He immediately smiles.

“God you’re so cute.” He leans down, prepping kisses on your face. You giggle and he wraps his arms around you.

Nobara sets a pill on your nightstand.

“Here, for your hangover. Im gonna go out to eat with everyone so if you wanna come get dressed.”

At the mention of food, Yuuji abruptly stands up. He wobbles a bit but downs the pill and starts putting on his pants.

“Let’s go eat yea? I’m hungry.” You nod and the three of you all leave.

After the talk you and Yuuji had you could feel your guys relationship was way stronger now. You were happy he was able to trust you with his feelings. That he was able to be vulnerable with you.

Today was the day, Yuuji was gonna pop the question finally. Time with you felt like years, even though it had only been a couple months. Yet Yuuji knew there was no reason to wait. He was sure about you the first night he promised you.

With a little help from Nobara and Megumi, they helped him set up a cute picnic. Your favorite flowers, favorite food, snacks. It was honestly a pretty view.

He has your eyes covered when he leads you to your small area. You gush over the scenery and he’s head over heels for your reaction.

“This is so cute Yuuji, I love it.” You shyly smile. He holds your hand gently as you both sit down.

“Not gonna lie Nobara and Megumi helped me a lot.” He laughs, rubbing his neck.

You peck his cheek and he gushes. Holding your face and he pecks you all over your face. He moves to lay down but stops.

“Oh! I-I almost forgot.” He sits up and pulls a box out of his pocket.

He seems nervous when he’s holding it, chewing at his lip. When he’s about to open it he drops it, scrambling to pick it up. You giggle and he flushes.

He pops it open and it’s an anklet with a Y, a small jewel heart next to it.

“Can I be your boyfriend?” He isn’t looking at you, his eyes are pointed at the ground and butterfly’s are flying in your stomach. Your hand reaches his cheek, making his eyes meet yours.

“Of course Yuuji.” You pull him in for a kiss and he places the box down again, deepening the kiss.

It’s a normal kiss but it’s long and sensual. All of your guys kisses were like this. Never rushed and quick. They’re meaningful and soft. Nothing has changed since the first time you guys kissed.

Your hands are on his chest and his are rested on your waist. When you both pull away, he gently rests your legs on his lap. He massages your calf as he clasps the anklet on your ankle.

“We’re matching!” He says as he pulls out a necklace that was hiding under his shirt. It’s your initial with a heart jewel next to it as well.

“You’re to cute.” You smile, pulling him into yet another kiss.

He gets lost in the kiss and with the way you kiss him. His hand is rubbing slowly on your thigh as you place your hand right below his jaw. He lets out a hum smiling into the kiss and pulling you closer till you’re on his lap. Your arms wrap around his neck and he sighs.

This is exactly where he wanted to be. In your arms and with your lips on his. Your makeout session goes on for quite awhile until the both of you pull away with puffy lips. Your lipgloss now all over his mouth.

“You practically ate my mouth.” You say as you help pack up the things. He gulps and laughs.

“I—can’t control myself around you.” He scratches at his cheek and he waits for you to grab the last of his things.

“I can’t either.” You say, pecking his cheek and walking to his car.

As Yuuji drives he lets you have aux and his thumb rubs at your thigh.

He’s so warm and your mind begins to trail off. Absentmindedly your thighs close and he looks at you.

“Sorry. Is that too far..?” He bites his lip but you shake your head.

“N-No! I’m just —thinking.” You nod and he smiles, giving your thigh a tight squeeze.

“Do you wanna come to my apartment?” He suggests and you hum.

When you both arrive, he sighs.

“Man I’m tired.” He pouts, resting on his couch and gestures for you to join him.

“All we did was makeout and you’re tired?” You laugh and his pout deepens.

“Hey! That takes a lot out of me y’know.” You snort.

“How?”

He’s about to answer but pauses then his face grows red.

“What?” You blink and he shakes his head.

“S’nothing.” He turns to turn on the tv and you narrow your eyes, scooting closer to him.

“Tell me.” You pry and he shakes his head. You peck his jaw and he swallows hard.

“Come on Yuuji, tell me.” You say with a little more whine in your tone.

“It’s just—I have to hold myself back.” He taps at his legs.

“How come?” You’re peppering kisses on his neck, his skin hot against your lips. He’s gonna go fucking insane.

“Because, well.” He stops himself again, standing up.

“It’s hot in here huh?” He awkwardly laughs and you giggle.

“It is, can I borrow some clothes?” You stand in front of him.

“Of course.” He smiles, grabbing your hand and leading him to your room.

perfect.

It was no secret, you knew Yuuji wanted to fuck you. No matter how slick he thought he was with his glances, you’ve noticed.

You didn’t mind giving him that extra push.

You sit on his bed as he rummages through his drawer. He turns around with a shirt and boxers in his hand.

“Here you can wear this.”

He places it on his bed. He takes off his shirt and you’re blessed with his toned back and arms. You stand up, undressing yourself as well.

“I’m gonna go—Oh.” He stops when he sees you’re in nothing but you're under garments.

He blushes quickly and covers his eyes.

"You should've told me you were gonna change in here!" He stammers, keeping his eyes covered.

You snicker and move close to him, taking his hands away from his face. His eyes are wide, raking over your form. He was always nervous around you and you loved it. You loved the effect you had on him.

"You're tired of holding back, aren't you?" You place his hands on your waist and he's huffing.

His hands are buzzing. Actually, his whole body is, all the blood rushing to his cock.

"You don't have to hold yourself back Yuuji." You slowly push him to sit down on his bed.

He looks up at you as you stand in front of him. Your small hands scratching the back of his head. His hands splay across the small of your back.

"A-Are you sure? I don't want you think we're rushing this." He's internally fighting his desires.

"If you're okay with it, then I'm ok with it." You peck his lips.

"Ok then." He whispers, letting his lips connect with yours.

He pulls you to sit on top of him. He's nothing but gentle with you, every one of his moves is careful, treating you like a porcelain doll.

He places pecks on your neck leading down to your collarbone. He nips at your skin, and you whine.

"Y-Yuuji." He continues to kiss your skin, his hands rubbing slowly against your ass.

"Fuck, you're so beautiful." He stutters in his movements.

His hands move to your bra straps, lightly sliding them off your shoulders.

"Is this ok?" He whispers along your ear and you nod.

His words and softness making you lightheaded. He unclasps your bra and let's it fall to the floor. One hand rests on your hip as he cups your breast with the other. He takes his time, licking and suck on your nipple.

Your moans filling his ears and only egging him on. You move your hips against his hard on. He groans with your breast still in his mouth, moving to the next one. He's stimulating you to good and he hadn't even touched you where you wanted him most.

"Yuuji please." You squeal and he smiles.

"Sorry, just wanna savor this as much as I can." He swiftly stands up with you in his arms, turning around and placing you on his bed.

He pulls back a bit to take you in. Your hair splayed out on his bed. Your eyes lidded and you're breathless with a cute flush on your face.

"S-Stop staring." You get shy, averting your eyes. He laughs, resting his elbows next to each side of your head.

"You're breathtaking you know that."

You blush and his necklace taps your chin. He leads kisses down your stomach, stopping right at your panties. He grabs your thighs, placing them on his shoulders. He places and leaves marks on your inner thighs.

You bite your lip, your hand moving into his hair. He licks your slit with through your panties . You moan loudly, pulling at his hair.

"Don't tease." You draw out and he slides your panties off.

"Fuck baby, you're dripping." He's drooling at the sight. His tongue flats out against your cunt and you gasp.

He doesn't waste a second, lapping at your juices and sucking your clit. He was a good kisser, of course he'd be good at eating you out.

He inserts his tongue in your hole, his nose rubbing your clit in the best way. You're squirming under him, a sob leaving you.

"S'good Yuuji." You moaning his name has him rutting against his mattress. He groans, the vibrations sending shivers down your body.

"I'm so close, keep going." You gasp out, your hands in his hair getting desperate.

You're practically shoving his face in your cunt and grinding yourself on his face. He could care less though, he had to keep repeating to himself not to come as you used his mouth. Your moans become louder and more frequent.

"Cum beautiful, let me taste you." His words muffled.

With a moan of his name, your back arches as he tongue fucks you through your high. You seep into his covers, your legs shaking and your breathless. He sucks the rest of your juices and he stands up, kicking his boxers off. He licks his lips and you whine at the sight. Only then do you look down at his cock. He's girthy and lenghty, a vein running down it.

"Y-You're big. I don't know if you'll fit." You look up at him however he smiles.

"Why do you think I prepped you, I'll go slow I promise." You nod and he kisses your cheek. He teasingly slides his dick against your slit, letting his member get covered with your slick.

"I'm gonna put it in okay?" You nod and he starts pushing his tip inside you. You throw your head back, moaning. You felt like you were getting split in half. He chews his lip, peppering kisses on your face.

"I know, I know baby. Just calm down." He feels terrible for hurting you that he just wanted to pull out.

"Do you want me to pull out? We don't have to do this." He pecks your lips but you shake your head.

"K-Keep going." You moan out so he does. The squelch that comes with him bottoming out has you both moaning.

"L-Let me know when to go okay?" You take a few deep breaths and you give him the green light.

His thrust are slow but you swear you feel him your stomach. With every thrust your sobbing. Guttural moans leaving the both of you.

"Oh f-fuck." Yuuji groans, throwing his head back. He grabs your legs resting them on his shoulder.

"I'm gonna go faster ok?" He groans and you moan back.

Before folding you in half he kisses your ankle, grinning at the anklet he gave you. He immediately sets a fast pace, abusing your cunt. Your moans fill the room, he was surely gonna get a complaint. He's deeper and deeper everytime his hips snap against yours. There's fat tears falling down your cheeks as he fucks you into the mattress.

"You're taking me so good." He moans out, his hips stuttering when you clench around him.

"Fuckkk, you're milking me baby, s-stop clencing I'm gonna cum." He huffs out, he wasn't going to hold out for long so he licks his fingers and starts rubbing at your clit.

"Yuuji!" You scream, your juices shooting out on his cock. Your ears are buzzing and your mind has gone to mush. Your body convulses as Yuuji finishes inside you.

"S-Shit." He breathes out, he drops your legs from his shoulders, doing his best to not put his weight on you.

"We made a mess." He laughs out, still out of breath. You laugh along with him, wincing when he pulls out.

"I'm gonna grab a towel." He pecks your lips.

You rest your arm on top of your eyes as you catch your breath. You jump when he wipes your cunt and thighs.

"Sorry. Did I hurt you?" He wipes more gently, and you hum a no.

"You didn't hurt me. I think that was the best orgasm I've ever had." He chuckles.

"I should've put a towel. I didn't think you were gonna squirt." He blurts out and you slap your hands on your face.

"Yuuji!" You whine.

"My bad! It's nothing to be embarrassed about! It was my first time being squirted on."

You whine again, shoving your face in his pillow. He lays down next to you, pulling you against him.

"Hey, don't be shy. I loved it." He kisses your shoulder, nuzzling his face in your hair.

"Yea but you didn't have to say it like that." You pout and he laughs, making your stomach flutter. You turn around and he smiles when you do but he perks up.

"Did you want a shirt? I can grab it real quick." You shake your head, scooting closer to him.

"No I just wanna cuddle with you." You shove your face under his chin and he smiles.

"I got so lucky." He says out loud.

"Do you think it was fate?" He rambles as he run his hands through your hair.

"Us?" You question and he hums.

"I mean, I like to think it was." He whispers. You smile, gushing at how cute he was.

"You do?"

"Yea, I'm really happy. You're like my angel." You pout at his words.

"You're so sweet Yuuji." You wrap your arms around his neck, and he smiles.

"You know what's funny." He says, placing a peck on your forehead.

"Hm?"

"It all started with a kiss."

You smile as you move to stare in his eyes. You kiss him, pulling away until your noses touched.

"Yea, it did."

© yuuuhiii 24 : don’t plagiarize, translate, or post my work on other platforms

[medusa-fem]

I know this is an odd post to make, but in case someone needs to hear it, rad fems have been in your shoes, and still chose to align with radical feminism.

I started wearing makeup and push up bras in middle school. I discovered bdsm in 9th grade and loved it, I based my identity in it. I've dated/slept with 8 different trans women, and my longest relationship was with a trans woman just a few years back. I identified as a trans man from 16 to 21, and started medically transitioning when I was 19. I used to look at porn every day because I didn't understand the harm it did, and I actually used to post sexual videos of myself online for praise and approval. I was so vehemently pro "sex work" that I would've pursued it as an income had I not been so aware of how it'd affect my future career.

I was radicalized when I realized how much all of these things were based on who I was trained to become by the patriarchy, or in reaction to trauma it had caused me. I slept with so many TIMs for the validation and to feel like a good person, I was into kink because I had been sexually assaulted since infancy and it felt like an escape from normal sex while still fulfilling the male fantasy, I was transitioning to escape all of the expectations put on me as a female who just couldn't be "woman" enough. My life has been ruled by the patriarchy, and opening my eyes to the amount of brain washing I went through, from Christianity as a kid all the way through being a queer teen on the internet made me a rad fem. We were just like you, and we still became radical feminists.

[aceistheplace86]

Ephemeral pt. 2

It had been almost a week and still no word from Stanford, you had never moved in with him so you had your home to reside in. You were a little upset that he had not been by, not even a phone call. You had thought you would run into him at the grocery store or just around town but you should’ve known better. You hardly saw him during your relationship, why would you now?

You were currently sitting on your couch catching up on one of your favorite TV series when your phone rings. You reach over and pick it up “Hello?”

“Hey” It was Stanley, and he sounded hesitant

“Oh hey Stan” You spoke slowly “Uhm. Why are you calling?”

He sighed heavily “I know what happened, and I’m sorry about my brother. He cares he just” He trails off “But he will come around y’know?”

You were quiet for a moment “You know, I wanted to be a teacher”  your voice soft, this being the first time you had brought this up to Stan.

“Really?” He sounded confused “I thought you were working with Ford, whatever science-y stuff he does”

You chuckled softly “I wanted to go to school for teaching, but Stanford said I was “too smart” to waste my talents on that. That my time would be better spent helping him with his research” You scoffed and shook your head “Not that he let me help that often, and then he started to shut me out”

“Why’d you listen to him?”

“I love him.”

Stan was quiet for a moment “I think you’d be a good teacher. You were always helpful to me when we were kids”

“You were always brilliant Stanley, it’s not your fault some people couldn’t see that” You had often helped Stan with school, you had always known he was smart. You saw how he and other kids were made to feel less than others, and you vowed never to be like that “I thought I would make a difference”

“You did to me” He reassured you “I mean, you made me feel smart when we were working on that portal” He was silent for a moment “I have to go, but hang in there okay? If you need me, you know where to find me”

“Thanks, Stan.”

-

You were now cleaning up the kitchen after making dinner. You were in the middle of clearing dishes when there was a knock on the door. Confused, you slowly made your way to the door not sure who would be over this late.

You peeked out the window and saw Stanford standing on the porch with his hands shoved in his pocket. You sighed but opened the door “Hey Ford” you said softly

He looked almost surprised that you answered the door “H-Hello Darling” He stuttered “I-I wanted to talk to you”

“About?” you raised your eyebrow but had not let him in yet.

“My Multiverse Echo Theory, states that there are many alternate realities” He starts.

“Goodbye Stanford” You go to shut the door, but he puts his hand out to stop you.

“Wait, please let me explain,” He says quickly, when you make no movements, he nods “As I was saying my Multiverse Echo Theory states that there are many alternate realities, meaning that there are tons of realities where you and I are together. There are some where we aren’t, of course, and there are some where we are just friends, or enemies, and some where we are in a relationship” He puts his hands in his pockets “I would like to believe that this is one of the realities where we belong together”

“It took you a week to come visit me” you stated.

He nodded. “I apologize for that. I believed, at the time, that you had wanted me to choose between my research and you” he said “And that, quite frankly, was not fair. I have always had a bit of a hard time with understanding people, it causes a lot of miscommunications and has left me quite lonely” He sighs “I don’t know when to stop, I can’t tell when people are mad at me or for what reason. I can’t tell when they're mad but will come back or when they’re just done” He hesitated “You and Stanley were always there for me, and always waited for me to understand. I appreciate that. Then I realized that you never wanted me to pick between you and my research, you just wanted me to divide my time equally”

You stared at him, not exactly sure where to begin. You knew he had a difficult time with others, but you were stuck on one single fact “You thought I was having you choose between our relationship and your research… and you picked your research”

“I’ve been working on this for years,” he says simply. “You don’t understand how much I’ve spent on this, or what it means to me. I have spent my whole life being labeled a freak, but here” he looks around “Gravity Falls, there are far weirder things than me”

You shook your head slowly “No Stanford. That’s what you don’t get. You think you’ve been searching for so long for a place to fit in, but Stan and I have been there for you since the beginning. We were there every time you pushed us out, and anytime you rambled on about finding a place to fit in, we stuck by you” You straighten your posture “I gave up my dreams to follow you here. Stan gave up any chance at a normal life to stick around, pay your mortgage, and try and bring you back. You couldn’t even thank him right off that bat. God, you don’t even understand it still now!”

He looked confused and straightened his glasses “Your dreams of being a teacher? No offense, but you could do better things than being a teacher”

“Will you stop it!” You exclaimed “I could do anything I wanted; I get it. I’m sorry you don’t think I’m “living up to my potential” but the thought of being a teacher was something that brought me joy. I loved being around kids and seeing their eyes light up when they figured out what they were struggling with” You continued, “I wanted to make a difference to even just one kid. That would have been enough for me”

He looked confused now; he opened his mouth and then closed it again for a moment. “I don’t understand, I was helping you”

“How?!” You could not understand where his logic was right now “You took me away from my family and my friends, you cut contact with the only other person who understood us, you convinced me that working with you was going to lead to better things. You didn’t even let me help you” You started “Then you got stuck in that portal. I thought I lost you. I didn’t know what I was going to do without you! I was scared, Stanford. I just wanted you back.”

“How do you think I felt? I was stuck in dimensions!” he countered

“This is not a competition!” You cried out “This is me trying to get you to see that you had people in your corner, and you kept knocking them down. You cut off your brother, then tried to kick him out when you returned. You ruined any chance Fiddleford had at marriage and years of being a father. You know he was the first one in his family to even go to college?”

“You leave him out of this” He snapped “At least he helped me more than you ever did with my research. You just kept pulling me from it!”

You opened your mouth to remind him that he never actually let you try to work with him, you didn’t get to build the portal or go over notes, all you did was take care of the home, and maybe get to hear his theories if he had time. But you realized this was a pointless fight. “Your Multiverse Echo Theory states that there are many other realities” You started “I keep trying to help you Ford, I let you hurt me time and again because I love you but I don’t think you love me as much as you say” You glanced down at the ground “I don’t think we can be saved in this reality.  Every good moment we have ever had only existed briefly. I can’t spend my life waiting around for those moments”

You step back inside your house “I wish you all the best in your research. I hope you achieve everything you’ve been missing. I really do”

And with that, you shut the door.

-

It took you a while but you got things back on track. You moved away from Gravity Falls, all the memories were too painful, and it hurt to even see Stanley, not that it was his fault. You reassured him that this was just something you had to do. You had gotten settled into a nice town in a nice apartment. You had started your new job teaching at a school, you started with elementary school, because you really did miss being around kids.

You were walking around the classroom as the kids worked on their morning bell work, when you noticed one kid, Jullian, had not been working but instead drawing. “Are you okay Jullian?” you asked him gently

“I don’t want to do this,” he says not looking up from his sketch

You look at his paper to see a pretty good sketch of a superhero “What are you drawing”

“Galactic Guardian,” he says simply “I like to draw, but I don’t like math” he showed you the drawing a little better “My sister knows math better than I do. and my dad tells my momma that I won’t ever figure it out” He spoke casually while shading in the character's costume “But no one gets mad at Galactic, he's good at everything”

You kneeled by his desk “This is a very good drawing St-Julian” You said softly “ Just like Galactic, you have strengths that can help you tackle anything, even math!”

Julian blinked “But I’m not a superhero in math.”

 “Maybe not yet. But remember how superheroes face challenges? They don’t give up, and they learn from every battle”

You point to a problem on his worksheet. “Let’s tackle this one together, step by step. If a superhero can face down a giant monster, I know you can face this math problem”

Jullian hesitated but then nodded, and you noticed a small flicker of determination igniting in him.

This is what you felt you had been missing. A place where those good moments were no longer few and far between.

// Tag list: @kawaii1369 @slay-thou-pookie @randombuddys @ppenisblog @doggosnoodles12 @velvetvulture

Thank you guys for reading! Let me know what else you would like to read! I am happy to take requests!

[lurkingshan]

Hellooo, do you have any recs for well written bls that also deliver on the romance front? My favorites that are both great shows and great love stories are Eighth sense, Old fashioned cupcake and I told the sunset about you ( the 2nd season is great but I dont f with cheating)...

Hello! I am interpreting your ask to mean you want bls that 1) are focused on a Big Love Story as their main purpose and 2) have strong writing that nails the romance, in particular. With that in mind, here's what I would recommend in addition to the ones you already listed, sorted into a few categories.

Dramatic and Swoony

La Pluie

Two soulmates (or are they?) meet, try to figure out their relationship, and decide whether they care what destiny has to say about it. Also features an equally swoony side couple romance. This show is Big Romance all around and very much in conversation with the genre.

I Feel You Linger in the Air

It doesn't get much more epic and swoony than this show about a modern gay man who gets sent back in time and falls in love with a young heir. This one has an asterisk next to the strong writing criteria because things get pretty wobbly in the final arc, but the romance stays strong throughout and it features some of the best bl romance scenes of all time.

Bad Buddy

It's gay Romeo and Juliet, but nobody dies (though importantly, someone does get shot). This one is tumblr famous for a reason!

Romantic Comedy

Cooking Crush

The sweetest romcom Off and Gun have ever made, with a simple love story between a med student and a chef. This show has some flaws--they let a drunk monkey take over the editing booth on a few episodes in the middle--but it's well written and the romance is great.

Cherry Magic Thailand

A remake of the Japanese original, this one shocked most of us by improving on an an already solid show. It's a fantastic romance, alternately funny and poignant and sweet as hell.

Semantic Error

The perfect bl romcom doesn't exis--

Light On Me

A high school love triangle where everyone is likable and the right boy gets the guy.

I Cannot Reach You

High school friends to lovers and done exactly right. This show is so goddamn charming and funny while still managing to get to the underlying angst of this trope. Perfection.

My School President

This one is all first love and high school shenanigans and a ton of original songs that will get stuck in your head.

Comforting and Cozy

Sing My Crush

Here's one for your constant rewatch list. A story of two best friends who love each other instantly but take awhile to make it explicitly romantic, as one of them is hurt and hiding and the other is oblivious yet somehow still devoted. You will love them.

Takara’s Treasure

This is a gentle love story between two lonely people who are exactly the right fit for each other but struggle with their own insecurities.

Our Dating Sim

A second chance romance for two high school friends who meet again as adults after a bad separation. Short and sweet with just the right touch of angst to burrow into your heart.

Angst Baby

At 25:00 in Akasaka

Two actors who first met in college are cast in a bl together, and the lines between their professional and private lives start to blur. This is a really beautiful and evocative show.

Wedding Plan

A gay man who is preparing to marry his lesbian best friend to protect themselves from their families falls in love with his wedding planner. It's a classic romance trope but this show does it so well, with an added layer of queer angst that really deepens the story.

My Beautiful Man

A high school story that centers on a psychologically complex relationship dynamic that will not become fully clear to you until the end (by design, the writing for this show is remarkable). It's not a traditional romance but it is a deeply moving one, and if you like it there's a sequel season and movie that are both also great.

Theory of Love

The messy angst-ridden friends to lovers drama we deserve. Don't skip the special episode, it's one of the rare cases where the special is actually crucial to the story and not just bonus fluff.

My Tooth Your Love

This one is romcom shaped but also deals a lot with trauma, so on balance it's more of an angsty romance. Warning for dentistry (which I recently learned is an issue for a lot of folks on here).

Gameboys 1 and 2

A pandemic-era romance that starts long distance before our boys can come together in real life. Definitely watch both seasons!

Jack O’ Frost

The only bl that has ever used the amnesia trope well. A romance gone wrong that gets an unexpected second chance after an accident forces a reset of their relationship. I found the themes of generosity and forgiveness in this one really moving.

Seven Days

This one is what it says on the tin--spend a week with two teenage boys as they try out dating each other. I really love the structure of this one, and the romance is well done.

[creativity-deficient]

Random Tweek Tweak hcs bc im thinking bout him yet again :)))

-Has an undiagnosed anxiety disorder, made worse by the increased use of Methamphetamine over the years and mistaken for adhd (canon/implied canon). He is also on the autism spectrum and has OCD

-Has mild Seborrheic dermatitis, a skin condition that causes red and flaky patches of skin and usually flares up due to stress. It starts mainly on his head/under his hair as a kid but worsens in his teens years. Also has dermatillomania (a skin picking disorder), as well. Both of these become a lot worse in his teen years, but do become a lot more manageable for him as an adult. Still however, he does have some faint scars from all the picking and scratching over the years.

-Small tubby lil guy :) (sorta?? implied canon??), below average in height and considerably pudgy compared to most of his peers (genetics/stress eating). Loses a lot of this weight in his teen years due to health issues, but does gain a lot of it back as an adult. Also has a pudgy baby face that he never quite grows out of, even as an adult.

-His eyes a blue hazel, a rare eye color

-Sometimes snaps and hums to calm himself down.

-Enjoys baking as a casual hobby, though he’s still an amateur and doesn’t know how to make much. (implied canon)

-Once joined every school club because he had an anxiety attack and couldn’t decide what to pick

-Habitual nail chewer, again something he usually does due to stress. Nails are very short and stubby because of this

-Bandages on his fingers due to burns, skin picking, and nail biting

-Chronic ice-chewer

-Never learns to tie his shoes. Kept tripping over his laces before finally taking them out. Untied laces to laceless shoes to crocs to socks with sandals to velcro shoes pipeline

-Also never learns to drive, too much stress. Forever in his passenger princess era ✨

-Lowkey a backseat driver, though not in a “know it all” type of way. He mostly just freaks out the entire time.

-Can not sleep in the car because he’s afraid the second he closes his eyes, they’ll crash.

-Doesn’t know much slang/internet lingo and has absolutely no idea what his peers are talking about half the time (pretends he does and usually just ends up looking stupid 😔)

-Has a fear of rubberhose cartoons, as well as those weird old stop motion Christmas movies (he just finds them unsettling)

-Told about the secret family recipe as a teenager by his father, and is reasonably freaked out about it. Is forced to keep his mouth shut about it and suffers through major withdrawals before his parents are eventually exposed and arrested for the distribution of meth/counts of child abuse. Spends most of his high school years in therapy and rehab, though it’s all made easier with Craig by his side

-He and Craig try breaking up their freshman year of high school, both of them feeling like they need to try new things for a bit. It lasts about a week before they get back together.

-TERRIFIED of scissors and refuses to let anyone come near him with them. Grows his hair out long as a teenager before finally caving in and shaving it off as a young adult. He now keeps it managed, but Craig is the only person he trusts to do so.

-Did once try to cut his own hair in middle school though, and he spent weeks looking like a train-wreck before finally letting his mom fix it.

-His relationship with his mom is considerably better than his relationship with his father, and though he never quite forgives her for what she’s done, the two of them are able to reach some sort of closure with each other in Tweek’s older age

[tj-is-down]

Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy (Tyler Owens x Reader)

Back again with another random fic for y'all. This is not proofread, so don't hate me!

Summary: Tyler and the reader have been on and off "together" for years now, keeping it secret. Until, suddenly, one of them decides they might want more.

Word count: ~2.1k

Warnings: None except some swearing, and reader is described femininely in this one.

Here’s the thing about Humble Creek: everybody knows everybody. A small town made up of just under five thousand, there was nothing that anybody could do in secret, because if one person knew, then it was just as if they’d taken a bullhorn and announced it to the entire town.

Which made Y/N’s life all the harder. See, she did have a secret, and although it hadn’t gotten out yet, its secrecy was held in the hands of a monster. A tyrant, a tool, a pain-in-the-ass douchebag with a cowboy hat and a Texas accent.

Tyler Owens.

Y/N had known he was trouble since they were kids. Growing up on rival ranches, they were destined to be enemies, and even more so, to blur the lines. Y/N had never trusted him. Not because their families were constantly fighting, as she believed everybody deserved their own chance to prove themself, but because he had fucked his up, royally. 

In elementary school, middle school, high school, Tyler was always the talk of the town. Always with a girl on his arm, Tyler was confident, and everybody else was just putty in his hands. Y/N told herself she didn’t understand what people saw in him. 

She lied.

It started in eighth grade, when Tyler showed up in a too-big tux and a bouquet of flowers he’d handpicked from his family’s garden.

“You wanna go to the dance?” He asked, grinning cockily. Even then he knew how to charm, before he even knew what charm was.

Y/N’s dad had said no, absolutely no way, but Y/N was in her rebellious phase and so this only pushed her to say yes. She went out right then, in her mud-stained t-shirt and jeans, and they’d walked to the school together at seven p.m. and walked home together at nine. He’d kissed her cheek goodnight and she’d wiped it off, embarrassed.

“You’re annoying, Owens.”

“And you’re pretty, L/N.”

On the next Monday he came to school with Cherry Lee.

Y/N tried to be mad. She tried to hate Tyler, to swear that she’d never talk to him or think about him or even look at him ever again. But two months later, when Tyler and Cherry broke up, he’d knocked on her door when he knew her parents weren’t home and, against her better judgment, she’d let him inside.

They’d been on-and-off “together” ever since.

Now, Tyler wasn’t single for long intervals, usually just a couple of weeks here and there, and he would never cheat, nor would Y/N let herself become a homewrecker (no matter how fragile the relationship), but when Tyler showed up on her doorstep, bouquet in hands and that look in his eyes, she knew she couldn’t say no. 

She was an adult now, but still, she couldn’t resist those eyes. Tyler had been single since before leaving for college, and when he came back it was like he’d never left. Sure, now he had a truck, a big name, a crew, and a YouTube channel, but he still had those eyes, and his family still had a garden with a never-ending supply of flowers.

He showed up on her door one morning, after her parents had left for church.

“Can I help you?” She asked, opening the door. As always, a t-shirt and jeans, dirty from the morning’s work on the farm.

“You’re not at church?”

“You knew I wouldn’t be.”

“Well, maybe the two and I can practice praying on our own? I think the first step is kneeling down; you wanna start?”

Y/N went to close the door, but Tyler’s hand reached out to prop it open.

“Come on, Darlin’,” he said, laying the accent on thick. “You want to go for a drive? I’ll buy you a coffee.”

“Hold the coffee,” she said, walking past him. “I’d rather not have anyone see us together.”

He grabbed her waist and stood behind her, kissing her neck. “We’ve been doing this for years, babe. No one’s gonna find out, I promise.”

She leaned her head towards him, breathing in the scent of firewood mixed with his cologne. He pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“You gettin’ sappy on me?” He asked. Though his voice was soft, she could feel his smirk.

“Nope.” She pulled out of his grasp and got into the passenger seat of his truck. “We going, or are you just gonna stand there looking all doe-eyed?”

“For you, I’d stand here all day, sweetheart.”

“Just get in the car, Romeo.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

*** 

They drove for a while, to the outskirts of town, when Tyler stopped the truck and leaned over. He kissed her lips, hard and slow, putting his hand on the back of her neck to pull her closer. She reciprocated, holding his bicep, moving her mouth in tandem with his and letting herself fall into him.

“Why are you being so love-y today?” She asked after they separated.

“I can’t show my girl some love?”

“Is that what I am? ‘Your girl’?”

He shrugged. “Is that so bad?”

“You’re annoying, Owens.” She pushed his shoulder.

He mock-pushed her back as he said, “You’re pretty, L/N.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Seriously, though, there is something I wanted to talk to you about—”

Y/N scoffed. “Are you about to ask me out?”

“Well, no, but—”

“Okay, good.”

“Would that be so bad of me?”

“Kinda.” Y/N breathed a laugh, but when she saw Tyler’s face, serious and a little upset, she stopped. “I mean, it’s not like we have the best thing going on here anyways, and I just don’t want to be—” She paused, about to say heartbroken, or used, or a placeholder for when you find someone better, but Tyler cut her off.

“Yeah, you’re right.” He started the truck, engine roaring to life. “It was dumb, nevermind. I’ll take you home.”

“Tyler, you know what I meant—”

“Yeah, yeah. We’re just messing around, right? That’s all this is, just messing around.”

He didn’t say another word on the ride home. 

He dropped her off, barely waiting for her to shut the truck door before he drove away.

***

Tyler didn’t answer any of Y/N’s calls or texts for the next few days. Y/N was upset, barely leaving her room checking her phone obsessively for any sign of Tyler Owens. She even started watching his YouTube channel, but there hadn’t been any uploads for over a month. Nothing on Instagram or Facebook, either.

Her mother yelled up the stairs to her one night, calling her down.

“That’s what you’re wearing?” Her mom said upon seeing Y/N.

“This is what I always wear. Why?” Y/N was suddenly self conscious, confused as to why her parents cared what she wore in the house.

“Tonight’s the fair,” her mother responded, attempting to jog her memory.

“You’re helping us run our booth?” Her father tried.

“Ah, shit,” Y/N mumbled, remembering. “Do I have to go? I totally forgot.”

“Of course you have to go!” Her father said. “We need the three of us there; it’s a family ranch, remember?”

“Besides,” her mother added. “The Owens’s will be there. We can’t let them get a leg up on us! If you’re not there, Tyler will be running the show for sure.”

“Well, maybe not,” her father said. “He’s doing the kissing booth, remember?”

“The what?” Y/N said. “Tyler’s doing a kissing booth?”

Her father nodded. “To raise funds for his family’s ranch. He and his whole ‘team’ will be there, whatever they’re called.”

Y/N paused for a moment, trying to wrap her head around it all. Was that what Tyler was trying to talk to her about the other day? The kissing booth? But why would it matter what Y/N thought about it?

Her mother ushered her up the stairs. “For Pete’s sake, change into something nice, and quickly!”

Oh, shit.

***

The Humble Creek Fair was bustling with energy. People from nearby towns came to see what it was all about, and it was always the most popular time of year.

Y/N sat at her family’s booth, eyes peeled for Tyler. She kept checking her phone to see if he’d answered, but when she didn’t get any notifications she decided to take matters into her own hands.

“I’m going for a walk,” she said to her parents.

They both nodded, and her father added, “Make sure to see how the Owens’ booth is doing. I want to make sure we’ll still be in business next year.”

Y/N looked around for the kissing booth, and when she saw a long line of women, she followed it to the front. She walked around to the back of the attraction, but didn’t see Tyler anywhere. It wasn’t until she’d nearly given up entirely when she heard a voice behind her.

“What are you wearing?”

She whisked around, coming face-to-face with Tyler, who was holding some sort of weird meat on a stick.

“What are you eating?”

“Pork leg, fried and marinated in pickle juice,” he said, shrugging. “I’m hoping it’ll make my breath smell bad so less people come up. Now, back to you.”

“What about me?”

“You’re wearing a dress. You never wear dresses. ‘Jeans and a t-shirt, that’s me,’” he says, doing a poor impression of her.

“I don’t sound like that.”

“Yes you do, but that’s besides the point. What’s your deal?”

Y/N shrugged uncomfortably. “I wanted to, I guess.”

Tyler looked at her dead-on. “You look nice, Y/N.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’ve been texting you for days. No response. But now that I’m here, all I get is, ‘I look nice’?” 

“What else do you want from me?”

“An answer, Tyler. What’s your deal? Why didn’t you tell me about the kissing booth?”

“I tried to, but then you came at me with all that ‘this is a bad idea’ crap, and I figured you didn’t want me to tell you. Or you didn’t care if I told you or not.”

“Okay, so—”

“Wait.” He stops her. “Do you care?”

Y/N kicks the ground. “If I did?”

“If you did,” he said, stepping closer to her. “I’d drop the pork leg and kiss you.”

“And if I don’t?”

“I’d eat the pork leg, and I’d kiss a bunch of people who aren’t you, and I’d feel like shit about it.” He took another step closer to her, nearly closing the gap between them. “Please say you care.”

“Ugh,” she scoffed. “You’re gonna make me say it? You can’t just, like, infer from the situation?”

“I’m really bad at inferring things,” he said, a cocky grin on his face. “So, I’m gonna need to hear you say it.”

“You’re annoying, Owens.”

“You’re pretty, L/N. Like, so pretty. But I do need to hear you say it, and I’m also gonna need you to—”

“I care, Tyler. Now shut up and kiss me, or I’m gonna take it back.”

“Can’t take it back, babe. It’s set in stone.”

In one fluid motion, he dropped the pork leg, grabbed Y/N by the waist with his other hand, and pulled her into a kiss. It was deep and passionate, not like any of the other times they’ve kissed. They kept it going for as long as they can, holding their breath until they couldn’t anymore, and then they pulled apart, gasping for air with their foreheads touching.

“Will you go out with me?” He asked her, still struggling for air. “Like, on a real date, not just driving in the truck?”

“I guess,” Y/N said, teasingly. “If I have to.”

“I mean, you don’t have to. But if you do, I’m gonna need you to wear this again.” He grabbed her and pulled her closer to him, if that’s even possible. “Because, if I’m being honest, L/N, this is the hottest I’ve ever seen you. Like, I didn’t think you could get hotter, but here we are. Speaking of, can we go? I really want to go somewhere with you. Like, privately.” He winked at her, and she scoffed, rolling her eyes again.

“Don’t you need to raise money for your farm?” She asked him, gesturing to the booth behind them.

“Fuck the farm,” he said. “Save a horse, ride a cowboy, yeah?”

“Fuck off,” she said, pulling him into another kiss.

“Seriously though, can we go?”

[clowncaraz]

Cattle Boy: Performing Masculinity Wrong

Original Medium version here.

Azriel Pierce is a cistrans mascfem Soulgirl who cannot be described as anything but a “Radical Gender Expansionist”.

...

When you are this thing, a cattle boy, they’ll put more weight on you — testing your durability. Seeing if you can handle masculinity and manhood present within it. If you wanted out, you were called emotional and a traitor. You are the meat they eat, you are the dairy they drink — the leather they wear.

...

Masculine World

Masculinity is not one overarching concept. Instead, it varies depending on how the culture views who and what gets to be masculine and how that is presented in language and time. To become a man and be declared a man is a specific form of growth that does not finish, that does not bloom, but grows like nails and vines. Manhood is consistently tried and put on display to criticize in a way that mocks itself.

To many, masculinity is to adhere to the common themes of ego, stubborness, strength, and breadwinning natures described as traits used by those “on top”. This form of masculinity is often called toxic or patriarchal masculinity because it upholds the patriarchy against men and women alike.

In those specific themes, you must always deny your association with womanhood and must listen to other men by ignoring the pleas of comfortability. You must also focus on asserting yourself into sexuality as the primary benefactor, your family life and trauma should not curse you, and your body must have no imperfections from past battles.

Anything other than this is a blight to masculinity and is to be questioned and mocked so that one may “experience” said growth (“Show me you’re a real man”).

If you do not have the ego, you cannot be a hero. If you are not stubborn, you cannot be deny responsibility. If you do not have strength, you are weak and feminine. And without making money, you are not valued.

Masculinity is vast, and yet we are stuck with the outlined attributes created and perpetrated by western standards spreading through our cultures. And because masculinity in the western world has always been related to being white, heterosexual, and Christian, being anyhting but these is effeminate and unvalued.

Masculinity that challenges male dominance, such as butchness or tomboyish attitudes, is seen as “ugly” in women and GNC/trans people. Said masculinity in these people are not valued, sought out, or recognized beyond lesbianism. Yet, even when said lesbianism allows masculinity, it is expected to still be apart or attached to a feminine figure or person who was born into “femaleness”.

Between The Two

I was born with a mullerian indication, meaning that I had indicators that helped in me being assigned female. I had a mullerian growth which resulted in being protomullerian — which are sex traits aligned with femaleness. XX chromosomes, enlarged breasts, wide hips, uterus and vulva, etc.

Being protomullerian had not caused me dysphoria until I hit puberty, in which I had begun to grow out these features that left me disgusted with my body. Since middle school, I have always been interested in being like the boys. I had an affinity for femininity or womanhood as if I was an outsider, a het boy. If I was smarter then, I’d realize that my attraction was being used against me by those around me.

Boys who saw me and my then girlfriend would gawk. It would be something that they had dreamed of. Two women, holding hands and laughing and being in love. They asked questions, they observed as if this was something taboo. Yet, I saw this as a young boy falling in love with a young girl. This was a heterosexual relationship. They were intruding.

I was always like the boys. I was the only mullerian outside of my mother in the family. My younger and older brothers were protowolffian — meaning they had sex traits aligned with maleness. I grew up the same way they did and had been allowed to be a tomboy.

Even when my neighbors were girls or I had friends in middle school who were just like me — mullerian — I did not refer to myself as being like them. I had ended up seeing myself entirely as this distinct concept from masculinity and femininity because I was never percieved as having both or any of it. They could call it androgynous, but that isn’t the right word for what I was dealing with from others.

When I reached high school, I noticed a lot of changes. I had gotten bigger, bulky and fat, but not exactly overweight. I tested out different names and learned a lot about how I felt regarding women and men. From the start, my presentation was lazy and I covered my body in jackets and hoodies. I dared not show my skin or my chest, and if I did, I was too fat to be feminine anyway. Hiding the fat, hiding the chest, hiding the hips — I tried to run away from my own skin in fear of being a woman because I sure was not a man and if I was not a man then I was a woman.

My friend group was full of white wolffian nerds and queer black women.

My earliest identity crisis regarding being transmasc had to have been during the discovery of plurality. In which I became aware that I was masculine because someone who snuck into my head had declared they were. I was outwardly plural in school, at home, and even with extended family — but I never shared our names. I had relations with the many people in my head as if they were physically there, and I felt pains along my body when they dug nails and cried into my skin. I felt it physically, and still often refer to myself as ‘We’ instead of ‘I’ when introducing myself online or to the public.

Self expression like that had caused the first rift. My da has always been traditional, and will never stop being so just because my ma is a little understanding of queer people.

Because I was masculine but not a man, I was not seen as entirely masculine but as butch. Butch is another word for masculine, but is seen used by lesbians and is now associated with them. I had called myself a lesbian for some time, which made me uncomfortable when a gay man in the plural system decided to control the body. I questioned a lot of my expression and sense of self, and definitely felt guilt for “appropriating manhood”.

I was expected to be feminine even if I was known as a stud/bulldyke. I completely distanced myself from femininity because I was never accepted as having it.

Black people like me, especially black women, have been called witches and “men” for showing inklings of their assertiveness and being ruthless towards those who seem to take them as a joke. From the start, people of african american descent were always seen as having hyper-masculine attributes — from our roots in slavery to our fashion and presentation. Black people like me never get to be feminine unless we are lighter, had thinner hair, short in stature, or were half-naked. So due to the fact that I never had any sisters, was called “grown” for being feminine, treated similarly by classmates, and looked with disgust because of my weight and race — I never obtained the connection to femininity and girlhood that I felt as though I wanted. I never had it and so I was never entirely a woman when I became an adult.

Breeding Bullock

I was not a woman because I was not feminine, but I had to be a woman so I could not be a man — and if I was masculine but not a man — then I was butch, a stud, or a bulldyke and not seen as a man or a woman.

My da once asked me why I had to be like a boy and why I couldn’t just be like my older cousin, who was a lesbian.

“Why can’t you just be like her?”

By then, I had severe body dysphoria regarding my breasts and my vulva. I felt beyond dirty, like a moldy rag. I felt as though my body was not supposed to be like this, and if it was, I was supposed to have a body that fit what I was — masculine.

I wasn’t allowed to be masculine though.

I stepped out of the house on day, into the backyard. It was summer, a nice peaceful summer. I had a white wife-beater on, with no bra. I was 16 or 17 at this time. My bottom was covered with shorts, sport shorts that fit boys in particular. I walked out to see what my parents were doing, which to no ones surprise, was smoking and fixing a broken tool. I walked out with shoes, intending to help them. This was routine. If I saw my da outside working on a car or his lawnmowers, I would go out and help him. That was the extent of my masculinity.

And he had told me, when I walked out with clothes on — with what my brothers had been wearing, with what HE had been wearing —

“You ain’t no boy.”

And that sunk in. I had enough. I went back inside, I sat on the bed. And I simply hugged myself. I had carried myself as a boy, questioned myself as a boy, present myself as if I was a boy — even if I knew that I had not entirely adopted the manhood and its labels. I still felt boyhood as a way that I was socialized, as a way I was raised, and as a way people treated me, until I no longer wasn’t when it was convient for others. I am always told what to wear, what not to wear — that sexual assault is the fault of the clothes not the hands that breached consent. And here, it was just another example.

Maybe, it was silly betting all of my emotions into being a boy.

But I had felt true freedom as a boy. As playing the role of a man, I felt true bliss. Yet, I did not have the same privileges to be arrogant and cocky and to be masculine as boys did and I still am not regarded as entirely seperate from the man and woman diachotomy. I was denied my womanhood because I never got to be a girl, but I also wasn’t allowed within manhood because I had been born into a body that wasn’t a boy.

Compared to a cis man like my da, he had already shown that he was capable of being everything a man was and more. There was no reason to teach his children how to be men — how to be masculine — when they were always expected to learn from other wolffian leaders in their environment. So instead of fixing bad behaviour that I had picked up as a result of only having masculine friends and wolffian influences, I used said toxic masculinity as a way to hide being a girl. People didn’t recognize I was one, others didn’t see me as anything but an enigma — between or stranger to what was the gender binary.

Masculinity, as a whole, can only be described by using vague experiences such as leadership or assertiveness. Even masculine black cis men will not have the same experiences as masculine white cis men, and those factors are specifically tied to how black men are seen as more masculine due to their race, the supposed links to violence, and racism. I will never share the same experiences with a masculine black cis man or a masculine white cis man because of how I was raised, and I will never have cis man privileges or the privileges of anyone born to fit into the patriarchy. That will never happen for me, and I have never expected it to..

I was just never raised as a girl, and was never in social spaces with women, and never interacted with them outside of how a heterosexual boy or a protector would — which created the confusion of how I was supposed to identify when people saw me this way and others saw me as the opposite. I was tied in the middle when there was no middle for me to start with.

For some ungodly reason, I was punished for being a boy when I was raised and treated as such due to hyper-masculinity. I was denied femininity and still am on the basis of my race and upbringing. So what was it? What was I?

The closest thing was being a butch. In AAVE, related terms were studs or bulldykes.

There seems to be a bit of a confusing way to use these terms, as butch has been used to mean masculine — but is something entirely different from both manhood and womanhood all together. To be butch is more than to be just a masculine lesbian, those are tomboy lesbians (I just call em’ tomms). To be butch is to be mature, to be the form of queer masculinity that isnt manhood and is tied to womanhood due to lesbianism, but not always functioning as women.

Even in lesbian spaces, due to not being feminine and because many believe masculinity equates manhood, butches are subsequently left out in fear of “men invading women spaces”. This belief has carried onto the fear of anyone who presents with queer masculinity — which is masculinity outside of the cis binary, and instead follows anything that is remotely distinct, nonbinary, xenic, trans, or nonhuman in a way. Lesbians who are freightened of butches have subsequently pushed butchphobia into queer spaces where phrases like “femmes and nonbinary people only spaces” actively tear down and rip into the community when it comes to housing, conversation, workplaces, safety, etc.

A woman being masculine, a butch, a stud, a bulldyke, a bulldagger, a stag — it was and still is regarded as disgusting to so many people.

I have had multiple similar experiences that studs have faced for being queer masculine, where our masculinity was tested by the use of introducing how we would react to physical violence by men and sometimes as a crude transphobic joke — by trans women. They would say that “even a trans woman would put us in our place”, and that men could fix us by corrective rape.

Recent events surrounding boxing, which made people around the world comment intersexist and transphobic things about a real person, choosing to attack her for the way she looks and the way she acts. People calling this woman “a transgender” in order to claim that she had been born with wolffian clusters. To claim she was a “man disguised as a woman”. That she won because she was “biologically stronger”.

At the height of that, I saw people advocating for the absolute harassment of queer masculinity, provoked by a boxing figure who could not by her nation and her religion — could never be transgender, and could never represent their country if she was. Said queer masculinity in this case was never even introduced, and yet it was caught in the intersexist crossfire to build upon the oppression and fear of masculinity in sports, in women spaces, in queer spaces, and much more. I had seen words written and said by queer people as a way to push masculinity down and perpetuate complete disgust towards butches.

Representation in lesbian spaces happen to be femme leaning, and in trans spaces those who seem to speak up the most are transfems. The majority of nonbinary people who are acknowledged are called “she/theys” and “theyfabs” as insults and slurs as a way to mock how they are all feminine in some way. All of these aspects tend to bleed into how there is testimony and genuine fear in many queermascs who deal with being erased because of how traditional queerness is often depicted — feminine.

Beef Cattle

Queer masculinity has always been a way to defy what traditional queerness looks like, intentionally or not.

In queer spaces, femininity is often seen as queerness itself because women who are feminine and not submissive are easily seen as lesbians. This isn’t just how men see a lot of assertive women, it is how cis lesbian women react to butches and studs. When they see a lesbian, they expect someone who is still presenting as a traditional woman or a fem. If not, then you must be adhering to “heteronormative rules” or relationships.

Since feminine men are seen as gay men or “fruity”, nonbinary people are always depicted as being mullerian, and feminine women are seen as gay women — queer as a label has been pictured to mean hyperfeminine. This is where we get into how the supression of masculinity is inherent in a community where queerness is always seen as feminine.

In lesbian spaces, androphobic lesbian women who hate trans women because of their “manhood” always cite their fears with masculinity as being from possibilities and never in the case of real queer mascs harming people. If you are a masculine trans woman, you are then treated even worse. This vilifying rhethoric is towards transmascs, masculine women, BIPOC lesbians, intersex lesbians, and multigender lesbians. In all of these cases, a Gold Star Lesbian — probably named after the reward a kindergartner gets when being the teacher’s pet, in this case when a lesbian outs and harasses other lesbians for gender identity and orientation to please cishetnormative society — would create strife and say that transmascs cannot be lesbians because of their manhood, or that they can be lesbians as long as they don’t transition and that they are perceieved as lesbians.

For me, I was described as masculine because it was easier to say that than queer masculine — and had never crossed my mind at that time that queermascs were being left out of the conversation to “better” the community.

With gay men, not all of them are feminine and many fit into traditional roles of masculinity that allows them to feel respected in outside situations that do not revolve around queerness. This is not a claim of them being privileged, it is a claim of masculine gay men being extremely underepresented because it is harder to clock them or to depict them as anything but “secure in their manhood”. Gay bears who are masculine are one example of this.

On the other hand, masculine gay women are punished for “wanting to be like men”, and are downplayed in their masculinity because its easier to clock them as gay. In the case for butches, if they fail to meet the standards of cis masculinity, that means that they are either pretending to be masculine all together or they “switched sides”, further giving rise to the idea that those connected to womanhood and are masculine in some way are able to use “AFAB privilege” to hide back into the closet.

For anyone who is not connected to womanhood, manhood, and are nonbinary, intersex, or agender, masculinity is a variable and a presentation used to address how they would feel if they were connected — because in this world, you are either cis masculine or subservient, where all femininity is seen as being apart of the subservient class alongside those presenting masculine wrong. If you do masculinity wrong, you are punished for it and are seen as submissive and weaker — regarded as a faggot and fairy.

Masculinity is said to reward others for their hard work to fit in, but I do not feel as though I was ever helped, as if I was ever aided in being who I was supposed to be. When I am called by name or by mention, my femininity is disregarded despite it being right next to my masculinity, my transness is always forgotten about when it came to discussions about trans issues, and I was always seen as this faker or poser in spaces that were supposed to help me and represent people like me. Not once have I ever been rewarded by cis men for being masculine, I have always been punished and I have always been told that my boyhood and my masculinity is a danger to queer people and white people alike.

I do not have the meat of a wolffian cis man, I do not have those parts that they have, but the other halves of me — breasts and vulva — are still on the market and are seen as ripe and for the picking because of how mature they are. These tits are strictly tied to me, and when I express slicing them off or getting rid of them, I am specifically targeted for not being “grateful” for the body that God gave me. When I express that my uterus is useless and that my clitoris should be four inches — that is when I am ungrateful and that is when I will “change my mind” about never having kids. When I speak out loud, an audience appears and tells me that I will regret the choice that I make because it will be irreversible damage. That is the point.

But the difference between a choice I have made and selling this body to someone else’s wishes is that when I finally make that choice, it is not okay to do so because it was not the “right parts” and the “right way” to remove my possession of them. I am supposed to bend to the wishes of others, and allow them to slaughter me. I am a feeder cattle who was raised for this meat to no longer be in my possession so that they may have enjoyment in eating me instead of me being able to take that choice. They slaughter me before I can make that choice.

To maintain forced femininity, queermascs (no matter their sex traits) must be bred to induce and support the narrative that we are confused little girls or mentally ill gender freaks.

Our masculinity is tried and tested because it is not viewed as real enough, and so I question those willing to call our struggle a privilege in times where queermascs are able to exist and not be seen, and said invisibility creates a veil between our community and our place in the world.

Draft Animal

What would one call this pressure? The outlined hate for queer masculinity by use of transphobic, butchphobic, intersexist, and exorsexist language against masculine people of those groups?

To put a label to the condescension, to the irrational screaming from TERFs claiming that queermascs have been deluded into being scary men, and how ugly we will become and how angry we will act when we begin T.

A mutilated body, a bald head, patchy and sweaty skin, to fear those results to the point of exaggerating what queermasculine people will ever look like in order to scare us from ever transitioning or being social. When queermasculine people exist, they are said to be “gender traitors” and are “failing the WOMEN” in the queer community because lesbians can “only be women”, and that gayness is a binary between two genders of the same presentation. A label that describes when queermasculine people are accused of being aggressive, of being evil, of being rapists and abusers because of our presentation and gender — when manhood is vilified as if we benefit from ever being tied to it.

What of a label for when people practice malgendering? A tactic used to gender someone correctly for the main purpose of painting their character as entirely representative of aspects of their gender, including blaming the patriarchy on trans men, calling trans women useless for their womanhood, referring to nonbinary as their pronouns only to mock them for it, treating xenics as other than living beings due to their gender or presentation.

When you are a draft animal, you are kept around in order to support the people who do not want you to be who you are. You work for them, you abide by them to satisfy their needs and their wishes. If your body is not entirely theirs, then they are told to give you away or put you down.

Your cargo is the weight of expression, upholding gender, and carrying the words from cis people who want you gone.

I am a draft animal, carrying masculinity on a cart, watching as the streets swirl and I am watched, gawked at, grabbed and pet at like I am from a zoo — like I am not in control. Like a child to be craddled, not as an adult who chose to transition and who chose to be comfortable in my own body. Because I was born mullerian, I am assumed to be weak and womanly and feminine even when I have been surrounded by black women who are feminine in all ways except disrespect. They are then called “ratchet” and “ghetto” and “rude” for asserting themselves as not to be messed with.

I have been protected by black women my entire life, my honor safeguarded by their power. The misogynoir within people’s hearts when they find a woman of color who is powerful… It boils. They begin to feel threatened, uncomfortable by the possibility that a woman like can treat you the same way you treat other women. But I see it from another point as someone who is percieved as a “strong black woman”, and that is realizing that the strength and the masks they put on are based entirely in trauma. Black women want peace, they do not WANT to fight, and yet everytime they are called to fight in place of people who cannot fight for themselves and they notice how tiring it is. I’ve noticed how tired I am of fulfilling that role.

Black men are ten times more likely to be killed and have their masculinity questioned because of racism. Patriarchal black men have decided that instead of putting that rage out against racism — patriarchal men come back to their community and force masculinity upon women they do not like. They traumatize families in the display of their masculinity that they feel never existed because they were never considered human to begin with — they are seen as draft animals. I do not believe black men want to fight, I believe that they have exhausted all of their other options though. And that the people who are supporting them most may be the same people they call “ghetto” the next day.

I was raised and protected by black women my entire life, and I do not doubt that one will be by my side when I am hurt. And so I do not use masculinity as a way to categorize who is capable of being hurt or not, I do not use my manhood as a way to control black women, I do not force my hands upon them and I do not put misogynoir back into my community because I FELT threatened at the moment.

To let that frustration out on people who have done nothing wrong is where the view of all forms of masculinity and the fear of it begins to arise.

Androphobia is the clinical fear of manhood and men. It can include wolffians to people percieved as men. These fears are real, and stem from repeated or second hand experiences of rape by men, sexual assualt, domestic abuse, familial violence, and consistent misogyny. It is a phobia, and many do not and will not heal from trauma that causes it.

Because it is a phobia, it is recognized as irrational even if trauma does cause it. This fear is sometimes used to drive home the phrases “kill all men” and “all men are pigs”. This is confusing men who uphold the patriarchy and men who cannot, will not, and have not benefitted from the patriarchy.

The identites caught in this are trans men, transmascs, queermascs, nonbinary men, genderfluid men, queer men, intersex men, etc. Transandrophobia is the fear of trans men and its subsequent prejudice against them, but even that word is still cooking alongside anti-transmasculinity and isomisogyny.

So what is the word to use?

If transandrophobia is for transmascs and trans men, transmisogyny for transfems and trans women, exorsexism for intersex, altersex, and nonbinary people, and butchphobia refers to those who are butch only.. what word would a masculine person use to describe how their queer masculinity is called “sodomy”, how queermascs are seen as fragile and weaker, how their masculinity is forced into femininity to present in the queer community, how this identity is attacked first compared to the rest of their gender — what do you call it when a woman’s masculinity is targeted? What is the word for when masculinity is deemed evil or oppressive? When you are called ugly for presenting as masculine and queer?

Lets try on some labels.

Cowhide Leather

To me, this problem is the reason why I feel as though my gender is complex and intrapersonal — it is why I do not find it easy to describe beyond existing alongside my body as if I am not of it’s grasp. My masculinity is me, but my femininity is this body, and I exist within the femininity that is this shape, that is these sex traits. When I walk outside, my masculinity and my ability to be like one of the boys is hindered because my masculinity is now acknowledged by passing — but is recognized to be lesser — and is seen as “fragile” or “fake”.

I can pass for a cis man, but everyone clocks that masculinity as being fabricated and from a source that is not “actually manhood”. They respect my pronouns, my gender, my identity — but in a way that subtly is used to figure out if I am a “real man” or not. Malgendering.

I do not believe I am exempt from transmisogyny or transandrophobia or exorsexism — and yet I believe that I am not experiencing any of them.

I am not being clocked and attacked for being “a man cosplaying a woman”, no one is afraid of me being a “confused little girl”, and no one is denying my identity and existence by use of surgery or the binary. I am not experiencing anything like this. But I am being questioned for my masculinity, I am being singled out for performing masculinity in conjuction with femininity, I am told that I am letting transmascs speak over transfems, I am told that I taint my femininity with my masculine self.

Queermasculine struggles are not less common, but they are invisible to both the community and outside society, resulting in people who are feminine and adjacent (transfems and flamboyant gay men) to be highly criticized for their femininity not being inferior. The struggles with transfemininity cross into the hate for queermasculinity.

As mentioned before, masculinity when failed is seen as fragile and effeminate. Trans women who are protowolffian have their masculinity ridiculed from the start and get “inferior femininity” forced upon them as a punishment for failing “superior masculinity”. This means that their reclaiming of femininity is not the same as a trans man claiming masculinity, as that said trans man would never be punished with masculinity but punished for attempting a false version of it. Trans men are not given the benefits of masculinity and trans women are forced into submissiveness. While transfems have that version of femininity that they must reclaim and rebuild so it does not service others and the patriarchy — transmascs have to claim their masculinity repeatedly because they are denied it in the first place for failing and are denied femininity because they are men.

Replace trans men with butches/studs, masculine gays, masculine intersex people, etc and you will see what I mean when I say that this is not just transmisogyny, transandrophobia, or exorsexism. This is a repeated way queermasculinity is seen, addressed, acknowledged, and gained in and out of the community. Masculine nonbinary people suffer from not having housing like butches do, their masculinity is seen as fake because they are nonbinary, and their struggles with representation in queer media is because of their masculinity.

I do not believe that misandry is an accurate term to describe this experience nor is it used outside of counterarguments against feminism. In other words, misandry is not a phenomenon that sprouted as a way to discuss how men belittle each other but as a way to counteract how women are treated by men and how to deflect that responsibility to destroy the patriarchy alongside others. Cis men are not demonized for being cis masculine or upholding the patriarchy in their communities, they are rewarded for doing so by being surrounded by other men who pride themselves on being superior, leading to consistent fighting and disapproval amongst what makes masculinity strong.

Cis masculinity is consistently fighting to prove that the masculinity they already have is able to be used against others, intentionally or not.

Queer masculinity is never being able to obtain masculinity that benefits their queerness and their queerness alone without having to accept femininity or the patriarchy.

We are not the same. And the struggles shown by the use of the word “misandry” obviously only counts for cismasculine people who have their masculininity ready to use.

Ever since I had joined conversations about transandrophobia, I have never once felt a deep connection to persue the term beyond declaring its existence and supporting those who theorize. I am not someone who is entirely sure that I even felt represented by the term, something to use and something to be used. I did not feel as though it could describe my experiences as someone who was not a man and did not have a connection to manhood outside of how I raised myself.

This disconnect had allowed me to find people who were like-minded in what I had been proposing; a term that refers to the invisibility, malgendering, and feminization of queer masculinity.

It is not the fear and subsequent discrimination of trans men, so it cannot be transandrophobia. It is not the sexism and hatred of trans women, so it cannot be transmisogyny. It is not the prejudice and erasure of nonbinary, intersex, and altersex people, so it is not exorsexism.

I have read work from different places to further aid me in this process of desconstructing what me and a wolfemic transfem have coined — Misabviriy.

Misabviriy, as it is disected, is the hate (mis-) for queer masculinity (ab- for “off” or “away”, viriy for “manhood, masculinity”).

Misabviriy and Superiority

The first point is that masculine individuals are being depicted as superior to women and above in any way as long as one performs the masculinity correctly, which gives incentive for said masculine individuals who are correctly masculine to use said performance in order to get rewarded. Then, because they are doing it correctly, there is the expectation that they must have a prize. If they do not get one, they feel as though they have been lied to and their masculinity is being threatened. Because queermascs are masculine and/or transition to masculinity, there is the assumption that they want said patriarchal power and are able to get it naturally without recoil or a fight.

Misabviriy and Invisibility

Due to the hypervisibility of queerfem individuals by queer media, transphobic outlets, and crude imagery, there is hyperinvisibility in queermascs. The interest in transfem bodies due to their sex traits, and the disinterest in transmasc bodies specifically come from the narrative that because queermascs and transmascs are either confused “little girls” or holding fragile masculinity, transfems and queerfems must be the predatory “grown men” and ugly women type who can’t date fragile mascs. To those following TERFism, queermasc people are hiding their real selves behind masculinity as a way to compensate for failing the patriarchy horribly, and are not the real culprit because they are being “groomed” and tricked into masculinity by being a tomboy or a butch. Said queermasc identity is then questioned until they are either shoved back into the closet, or they stop being masculine.

Misabviriy and Sex

Displays of misabviriy that revolve around sexualizing the sex traits of queermascs have been widely ignored in the community. Masculine intersex people have been told that they were not intersex, and that their masculinity could be changed with corrective rape. Butches get this treatment as well and often due to being lesbians and not being a woman “correctly”. Notable displays of it are with the “cuntboy” depiction where transmascs are reduced to their reproductive system, the “silent protector” type in butchphobia where a butch is deemed useful only in sex and when protectinf femmes, and the mystification of masculine nonbinary bodies when they are not visibly feminine. Queermascs who have vulvas are also expected to bottom in pornography and in relationships, leaving a hole of content and resources when it comes to topping after phalloplasty or with a tdick. In this area, queermascs have higher rates of suicide and the possibility to be sexually assaulted, and yet the only aid a queermasc will get is if they are feminine enough on the outside to hide it. Queermascs are also more likely to detransition or become feminine at the wishes of a cis or trans sexual partner, prioritizing the sexual partner’s pleasure with a sexual “tool” instead of a preference. Testosterone is a common transmasc form of HRT, and yet it is hard to be transsexual as a masc. Testosterone is a controlled substance, and no amount of market work around will help get it any easier for DIY HRT. The lack of queermascs and transmascs on T when they want to makes others believe we are still “women”, that we want to be feminine, and that once we get it we’ll be ugly. Some people, like intersex people with low T, could die without it. And yet, we still do not have it. I am not on T, but have been taking DIY DHEA, and it is because I know that I can only afford and find resources on DHEA.

Misabviriy and Malgendering

As mentioned before, malgendering is when validation of an identity is used only to be against said identity, usually for excusing violence or discrimination. Queermascs, especially transmascs, are positioned between being denied womanhood based on identity and being denied manhood for “choosing” it and doing it wrong. Malgendering is used to scare, to put fear into one for what they may face as the gender they transition to. While not exclusive to transmascs, malgendering is used against transmascs by wishes of harm, calling trans men the “men of the trans community”, and using correct pronouns and terminology to make a joke from said trans person. GNC women who embrace masculinity are targeted the same way, starting with many people using their masculinity as a way to validate their strength, only to use that affirmation to challenge them to a fight since they are “so strong”. It paints their targets as weak fragile women. The idea that queermascs are fragile and tainting their body with masculinity is used by Baeddels, Radfems, and TERFs who target trans men and call anyone else “collateral damage" for being in the way. In queer spaces, wolffian mascs and anyone who is remotely masculine regardless of gender are seen as dangerous because their ties to masculinity means that they apparently operate under the patriarchy and work for it. Queermascs, especially those who are trans men and intersex people, are more likely to be denied life saving treatments and gynaecologists due to their identity, and this denial can lead to death.

Misabviriy and Feminization

Queermascs such as masculine nonbinary people and butches have always been feminized by the outside world as a way to quell the disgust or discomfort with them being masculine. Separation of masculinity from their queer identity is a common occurrence in communities that are supposed to aid them in being who they are. As said before, queermasculinity and those who are of it are seen as confused little girls (the basis for ROGD) and predatory men due to their connection to masculinity that is “wrong”. Because of this, not only are queermascs the victim when first transitioning but are predators lurking to lure transness into innocent girls when they are post-transition and confident. From inside the community, many butches have faced being left out of media and out of the narrative when it came to lesbianism as they were slowly turned into guard dogs and sexual pleasure — focusing heavily on how a butch is “still a woman”, and the joke of “forgetting the bookbag” that is overused. Depictions of masculine women and queermascs are always in a way where their physical features “prove” them to be not actually masculine and that they are pretending to be masculine. Queermascs have also reported feeling extremely left out and lost in inclusive spaces that actively call out queer masculinity alongside patriarchal masculinity while uplifting patriarchal femininity that wishes to benefit from the patriarchy by pulling women and queer men down into terms like TIF, female brained, “woman bits”, and fake feminism that relies on bioessentialism (TME, TMA..) and gender wars (they ultimately do not earn benefits due to misogyny).

This isn’t to say that queer men and mascs cannot and can never uphold, take part in, or indulge ideas that agree with patriarchal masculinity. Misabviriy isn’t an excuse to be patriarchal. Queermascs can partake in it all they want, usually for protection under the guise that their manhood is cis passing, but there are no benefits for doing masculinity wrong and being perceived as the wrong version of masculinity when their hyperinvisibility wears off. Repowering is what I would call this — when queer people veil or mask their maginalized status to identify as cishet perisex people, regaining the power they lost over their identity when they transitioned or came out of the closet. Repowering is not when a trans person hides in the closet and pretends, or when they do not transition at all, because you do not gain power in the closet and only do so when using your former cishet identity as a mask for your true self to feed into horrible narratives and cycle queerphobic language/notions — intentionally or not.

I believe that anyone can practice repowering, including trans women who veil as men in order to gain the little bit of lost power that the patriarchy would give them by feeding into harmful sterotypes, tropes, and reuse intersexist, homophobic, or transphobic language to fit in. Privliege is a conditional concept that exists only when the perception of a queer person is not queer but cishet perisex. When a trans woman partakes in repowering, then is actually found out to be trans, they are no longer holding that privlege not because of their gender but because of their transness. Same with trans men, nonbinary people, intersex, butch, and other queer people.

Queer Masculinity Future

I have wishes for the future too. I have a life too, I have a world that I wish to see.

I don’t want to see infighting, I do not want the binary to persist, I do not want to bring forth a world where gender is valued through power and oppression — I wish for a world where gender is expanded beyond all limits until it no longer means anything. I wish for gender to no longer be biological, no longer social, not longer binary — I wish for gender to be intrapersonal. Something only you can affirm, something no one can take away from you even when you die, something that you work to prove for your pleasure, not anyone elses. I am a radical gender expansionist, and that means that these wishes will become my reality by any means necessary.

Labels will mean what they mean, but they will not be used to create or single out a group of people unless they have no experience. There should be no “oppression olympics” of trans communities, there should be no one speaking over lived experiences, there should be no one forcing each other to identify or creating terms used against groups of people who do not agree with your view. There should be nothing like that. And all of it seems to point directly at gender essentialism and gender wars. In order to punish the fires of them, we must quell it by personalizing gender instead of grouping gendered people into neat boxes.

I have fears that queer masculinity may not be present in the future.

I fear that our expression will be centered in the battle against cis masculinity, and if we do not speak about our struggles, then we are the object crushed under the heel of the foot. If feminism does not include men and the liberation of queer manhood, then it will not succeed in destroying the patriarchy for queer manhood is the number one enemy to the patriarchy. The patriarchy is afraid of us, afraid of what we are doing to their “daughters”, afraid of what our bodies would look like after transitioning, afraid of it all. They are scared, and we make them scared of our masculinity.

Feminism should include the liberation of queer manhood alongside womanhood, feminism should give us the right to speak alongside everyone, feminism should allow queermascs space to talk about how they are affected by the patriarchy. Feminism, I fear, should not exclude us.

I smile with joy at the displays of masculinity.

For that masculinity is what I would call queer masculinity, where the patriarchy dies at its teeth, at its claws. For queer masculinity will be at the forefront to the death of the patriarchy. I smile in joy when I see trans men binding and cutting their hair, grooming their beards, with free top surgery, with feminine figures, with masculine features, with long hair, with free breasts, with phallo or without, with manhood running in their blood, with their sex altered, with their sex unaltered.

I smile in joy when I see intersex men prancing for joy at their intersexness, when they are proud, when they love themselves, when they don’t need to bind, when they don’t need to be masculine, when they aren’t androgynous, when they are happy, when they fight IGM, when they are men and embrace manhood.

I smile when nonbinary mascs are fully masculine and do not back down for the pleasure of others.

I smile when multigender mascs are queer in every way, who embody all forms of presentations.

I smile in joy.

I have wishes for the future too. And those wishes should become reality, as we unshackle cattle boys from their prisons. Where the farms are dismantled, where the industry is brought down with their hooves, where the young are not slaughtered back into femininity, where we are not kicked when we are torn down, when we are not brutally pushed around for existing, where cattle boys are not starved, where cattle boys are not fattened for their meat.

Where the patriarchy and queer community stops claiming we are appropriating queerness and are dangerous.

Open Range Still Means Shackles

Between all of this, I do believe that my experiences and my troubles are painted here to be of priority to be solved in the future, where queer masculinity is not inherently dismissed as cishetnormative or oppressive.

Queermascs still live in a world where our oppression is seen as our fault, and that as cattle boys, we must suffer for the choice of being the oppressor.

I suffer independently to the patriarchy, whether or not it exists, other facts such as behavior in and out of communities, bio essentialism, and racism will still persist. But the centerpoint for all those thing happens to be the pleasure of the patriarchy. Destroying it, not just because it stands for oppression, but because it still keeps cattle boys in a roundup open range or not.

Further reading is linked in the Medium post, consider supporting Lunabelle and I on our queer journey.

[maddy-ferguson]

El and Will's characters get nothing being in a relationship with Mike. Idk why milvns think El breaking up with Mike and being an independent character would be bad for her when it is like one of the best things that will happen to her character. She is so lucky.

i don't feel like arguing because i'm obviously not gonna convince you of anything but i just wanna say that even if mike was the great boyfriend people thought seasons 1 and 2 set him up to be el still should never have been with him when she was coming out of a year of isolation and twelve years of abuse in the lab. it's literally a horror story like mike being one of the people to socialize her and her main introduction to the outside world is so gross her first boyfriend taught her the concept of privacy like ewww👎👎 it's a good story though. just not in the way mlvns think. and it would be gross even if mike had gone on to sign all his letter love, mike. and mlvn breaking up being good for el isn't even about el being independent in a girlboss she's better off not having a boyfriend ever because girls being single is feminism way it's about her identity being so tied to her relationship with mike because, again, he's the first person she formed an emotional bond with when she got out of the lab where she was abused constantly, and about her growing out of that relationship and having a sense of identity outside of it. it's so insane that people call you a misogynist for suggesting that she should have had other experiences before getting a boyfriend and just go well you can grow as a person while being in a relationship as if el had a normal upbringing when six months into their relationship she didn't even know what she liked! she didn't even know she was allowed to like things!!! besides being a hater what was hopper doing bro

[toonetowne]

GRRGRGRGR MUTANT MAYHEM APRILNARDO SAVE ME

[kiisaes]

koi food

[teaposee]

Where are my de-aging quirk accident fic lovers at… I love them so much

[shalom-iamcominghome]

I've seen the last '"g-d made you perfect" that I can handle, and it's led me to a realization about how I think of g-d.

I don't think we were made perfect. We were made human. And, if I'm honest, the only perfection in my mind is g-d, and that sense of perfection is what differentiates humans from g-d. If humans were as perfectly-made as g-d, I for one wouldn't see the point in following, believing, trusting, caring for, or loving g-d.

I guess for me, I see the ways in which humans alter the Way We Were Created that I really don't think it's right to speculate as to if there's a limit to altering our abilities or bodies. For instance, as a trans person, I've definitely been inundated with this idea that because g-d made my body "perfect" that I shouldn't alter it ever, but isn't that a dangerous precedent? Is it really so, that our bodies are magically made perfect, as g-d that to even tamper with the idea of change would be the same as cursing g-d? I really don't think that's compelling.

I love thinking about just how much g-d is placed into people, but I don't think it warrants restricting the ability to learn, create, grow, or change. Thank g-d that He created the ability to change!

[agendercryptidlev]

Shout out the complex relationship between trans men and their mothers one time because that shit can be crazy

[wholock-pottergleek]

my roman empire will always be kurtbastian. like the missed opportunity, we really could’ve had it all :(

[writeronartblock]

Listing fucked up shit that happened in BoBoiBoy, purely from memory (so details maybe fuzzy or I'm over-exaggerating):

1. At the start of the series, he literally got his powers at the age of like, 10. HE'S A BABY

2. The Second Tiers manifestations:

2.A. Halilintar got manifested after being seperated from the other elements and getting tortured via balloon poppings.

2.A.1. The fact that Adudu practically brainwashed him into joining his side after the fact.

2.A.2. Additionally, the fact that the massive drawback to BoBoiBoy's elemental split is the fact that he slowly loses his memories and gets amnesia? Fucked. Up.

2.B. Angin got upgraded to Taufan by getting DRUGGED via potion(?) enhanced cookies. Bro literally got into an acid trip and almost destroyed his town as he's promoting those cookies

2.C. Gempa manifested after having watched all of his friends NEARLY DIE and feeling helpless about the situation because he wasn't strong enough. DUDE–

3. The fact that Fire manifested as a STRESS COPING MECHANISM. OMG

4. Getting back to the getting drugged part, yeah, remember that episode when the gang got zapped by an emotion amplifier ray gun? It pretty much works the same way as the potion thing that happened Taufan

5. ONTO THE MOVIE, OH MY GOD THE MOVIE

5.A. Honestly, because of that, if there ever was like, a subplot, where Ochobot asks BoBoiBoy to take a rest and he refuses because of his crippling hero complex. I would get 'Nam flashbacks

6. To be honest I don't remember much about the movie actually, though I do vaguely remember that he got blasted into space and nearly froze to death? Or was that BBB Galaxy? Or both?

7. Fuck, wasn't he forced to fight Fang because of Kaizo and nearly died in the series finale?

8. For BBBG S1, I don't actually remember much aside from the season finale

9. Oh, but that timeloop episode got me tripped up like crazy. That is my NIGHTMARE scenario

10. And fuck, don't get me started on episode 14. Watching Hali show up again after so long was like watching an angel descend from heaven.

11. But the fact that he was flickering from his normal form to Hali in blinks and flashes, seeing him pushing himself to his absolute limit felt heartbreaking

12. Onto, BBB Movie 2

13. AAAAHHHHHH, THEY GOT SUCKED AWAY

14. BRO, WHEN I SAW SOLAR DISINTEGRATING INTO DUST I GOT SO WORRIED. LIKE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THE REST OF THEM, HE'S PART OF BOBOIBOY HIMSELF, WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S NOW GONE????

15. Near death counter gets added several times here, like it isn't high enough already

And this is where I'll stop, since I haven't started on BBB Galaxy S2 yet (the comics or the now animated BBB Sori)