#this is crowley's level of evil :D

[fuckyeahgoodomens]

[twelfth-dykector]

maybe maggie and/or nina are demons?

hiiii!

i've been rotating this in my mind for AGES and i need to talk about it, so welcome to my very unorganised ramblings :D

i've seen abit of stuff on this (there might be tons i just haven't noticed) but im rewatching good omens and it struck me as abit odd when aziraphale was reading the note from maggie about the rent and there was a specific bit where she spelt something wrong. i know that's very normal and i didn't think much of it until crowley said that demons can't spell; that just seems too specific to be a coincidence, especially as neil gaiman is an evil genius (lovingly).

another thing is how maggie reminds me abit of muriel's lack of knowledge about how humans talk, for example when she made the "stripperdeliveroogram" joke, (aswell as nina's "you must made that up" response). it just felt really forced, like maggie was testing the waters with making human-like jokes. however, i am autistic so these might actually be funny jokes im just not getting.

also, even though neil gaiman said the people who play maggie and nina being the same people who play the satantic nuns is just a coincidence, WRITERS LIE!!!! (at least i think it was him who said that, it might not be idk)

i am aware this is PAINFULLY surface level, i really wanna go on about how maggie and nina mirror aziraphale and crowley but im too tired to do that rn

thank you and well done if you got this far, i hope you have a lovely day :)

[alln64games]

Nightmare Creatures

NA release: November 1998

PAL release: N/A

NA release: N/A

Developer: Kalisto

Publisher: Activision

N64 Magazine Score: 57%

Nightmare Creatures is a port of an earlier PlayStation title that really is a bit too authentic of a port. When this was released on the N64, it already felt very dated and really needed improvements. It’s a horror slash-’em-up set in 1834 in London. You play as one of two characters, neither of which have any backstory, personality or dialogue in the game (if you want to know, it’s in the manual).

The story itself is told by little snippets of text at the start of each level that scrolls through part of the screen. On some levels, including the starting level, there are enemies at the start and they’ll attack you as this text scrolls past. The gist of it is that there’s an evil man called Crowley that runs away from you the entire game and a load of monsters in your way.

The controls of Nightmare Creatures are really poorly implemented tank controls, where you turn left and right to turn, forwards to go forwards and backward to go backwards. The camera makes matters worse as it’s usually behind your character, but tries to be at an angle for fights, and then some areas have their own camera angles – the first boss has a high up camera that really messes with your brain when trying to move.

To make matters worse, the game has platforming sections where missing a jump means instant death, as your character can’t swim, so water means instant death – apart from a few sections where the water is shallow and you have to walk through it (the shallow water looks no different from instant death water). This control scheme may have felt more natural on a D-pad (the original came out before the PS1 got analogue sticks), but it feels very wrong on an analogue stick.

The levels themselves are also mostly bland, and it’s easy to get lost due to everywhere looking the same, as well as the black “fog” to hide loading. They’re also mainly long corridors with a few optional areas and some hidden switches (many of which blend into the walls). Missing switches can also be very deadly, due to the “adrenaline bar”.

The manual explains that a virus is turning people into monsters, and the hero you play as is infective. Adrenaline keeps it at bay, and you keep this topped up by killing monsters. If you take too long before killing monsters, your health will start to drain. If you didn’t read the manual, then you’ll just start losing health with no warning (the mechanic isn’t explained in the game). This means that if you kill all the enemies but need to hint for a switch you missed, you’ll likely die multiple times. Supposedly this was a last minute addition to “fix” an issue where a player could potentially run past all the enemies.

I really can’t blame anyone for running past the enemies, either. The combat is tedious. The game lets you mix things up with lots of combos, items and spells to use, but combos rarely work and once you hit an enemy, their recoil means you can just mash the attack button until they die. That said, I did end up using cheats to see more of the game and I couldn’t defeat the final boss as you can only harm him with combos, and seemingly the basic B-B-B one doesn’t count.

The story in the manual paints a setting that could make for a really good game, but none of it is translated into the game.

The final nails in Nightmare Creatures’ coffin are the linearity of the gameplay, and the frequent instant death situations that result from the deficiencies of the camera, the control system, and the general design of the puzzles – thing you’re stepping in a puddle? Nope it’s a water-filled bottomless pit, and your character swims about as well as a puppy in a weighted sack.

- Martin Kitts, N64 Magazine #25

Remake or remaster?

I think a new game in a similar setting could be a nice idea. The Order 1886 did something similar (but with a more steampunk vibe).

Official Ways to get the game

There is no official way to get Nightmare Creatures

[ofpineapplesanddawns]

What about Aziraphale contemplating his past and who his memories belonged to, or if they are just idk fiction? With the help of their favourite aupportive alien, of course

Ready for Aziraphale to accept that his reality might be worse than he imagined? :D

Warning: anxiety attack, body horror for alien Crowley

On with the fic!

--

It happened suddenly.

It had been while Aziraphale and Crowley were laying on the floor of Crowley's room, listening to one of their playlists on their music player. Aziraphale remembered Crowley's stories about certain song choices, and how they had a playlist devoted to songs they associated with Aziraphale.

A song came up, from the Sound of Music, a musical that Aziraphale had told Crowley that he had hated since he was a child, and the little shit had thought it was funny to include it.

But as he heard Crowley snicker in their strange, hissy way, a thought came to him that had him tense up.

Had he really hated that musical when he was a child? Or had it been programmed into him when he was being developed?

He always tried to put aside the thoughts of... his reality, the fact that he wasn't human, he was an android. He had never been a human, at least... at least he never thought about it, what if he had been a human? What if his human consciousness had been uploaded into an android, based on his old, human face?

But... but was there really an Aziraphale Fell?

Aziraphale had, in the early days, when he first found out he was an android, when he was alone and thinking that Crowley was dead, torn apart or eaten... he had looked into his files. He had learned the truth of why he was on the mission, and how long he had been 'working' for the company.

Which was basically since his very first mission.

The very same mission where he had first met Crowley.

Fuck, that's as far back as the file had gone. At least, surface level-wise, but he had hacked. He had dug into the deeper files, but there wasn't much. He only learned more of the fact that he was property to the company he had worked for.

But that didn't explain much! It didn't tell him why he had memories of a long life, before his first job, before meeting Crowley! He remembered going to medical school, he remembered living with his rich, religious family and hating it because they wouldn't accept him for anything that they deemed low or disgusting in their eyes.

Aziraphale remembered developing a love for baking because he could be creative, he remembered so many books he had read and his family's private library where he would spend hours and hours reading. He remembered seeing the Sound of Music with his family several times for some stupid vintage Earth movie festival and hating it more and more each time he saw it!

Why did he remember these things when he only seemed to be around for a decade?

Why did he have over forty years of memories and yet only ten of them he could actually confirm were real?

What if there was a chance he had been Aziraphale before, the real Aziraphale, a human? Maybe there was a file somewhere in the system, maybe it was under a different name?

But does that mean that the original Aziraphale had died to be put into an android for whatever horrible plans the company had? O-or had he died and this was the only way for him to survive?

Did he lose his life for corporate evil? Or did he die and become a pawn because they saw an opportunity?

And then there's the idea that maybe everything was just fabricated, a made up backstory to just make him believe he was human, to never learn the truth. Cobbled together by whatever means to make a believable life.

Fuck.

Fuck.

None of these are great things to dwell on, they all have the same end results!

He's not a human!

He's not a human!

He's not real.

He's just metal and code and wires and

And

And

There's something above him.

There's something cool brushing against his cheek.

Something wet is wiped across his skin (synthetic skin).

Aziraphale stared at Crowley, who was growling. Not in anger, no, in sadness, worry, caution.

He thought Crowley tried to say something, language was so hard. They could use the communicator. It's hard to type on, but Crowley sometimes needs to use it. Aziraphale thought that he told them to use it, he couldn't understand them.

ANGEL.

The voice was stilted, electrical.

PANIC.

CROWLEY SCARED. ANGEL UPSET.

"I..." Aziraphale's voice was rough, and he finally registered that his chest fans were spinning too fast, his 'breathing' was rapid, and he felt too hot and worked up. "I'm sorry..." Was he crying? He could cry, yes, a weird feature for an android, but it made him seem human.

WHY PANIC.

He could see Crowley was no longer above him, when did that happen? They were sitting next to him, the music was off, and they were holding the communicator, tapping keys with their claw. He could see that, even with their lack of lips, they were frowning, they looked so scared.

"I... I'm questioning my life before our first mission together." He said so quietly. "Who... what was I before then? Was there a real Aziraphale, or was he just made up for this android...?"

Crowley looked at the device and sighed. ANGEL. IS. ANGEL.

Aziraphale looked at him, confused. Crowley then touched their own chest before typing again. CROWLEY. IS. CROWLEY.

ANGEL. IS. ANGEL.

Then they repeated it a few times, using the playback button, all while staring at him, using their free hand to touch his chest. Aziraphale was sure that Crowley was trying to tell him that no matter what, he was still Aziraphale. And while it didn't quite solve his horrible thoughts, it was... it was still so sweet that Crowley was trying to help.

And Crowley was right about themself too, even now, as the hybrid alien that they were, they were still as much Crowley as...

as he was Aziraphale.

He put his hand over Crowley's, intertwining their fingers. They sat there quietly, no one needing to say anything. Then Crowley's tail flicked over, hitting the music player, and Queen started to play. Something simple, something they both could enjoy, something that didn't make Aziraphale's mind wander.

--

This... was a lot, haha, but I enjoyed writing it.

[mlobsters]

supernatural s9e16 blade runners (w. brad buckner, eugenie ross-leming)

i don't read the episode descriptions on netflix even but i do pop over to the wiki to get the writer info and (this is so silly) i blur my eyes so i don't get more info than that (so silly!) but even super blurry i recognized the image that was in the wiki's episode page, finally getting to the mark of cain bubbling to the fore again

LOL i completely forgot that crowley was supposed to be out literally searching the bottom of the ocean for the blade

DEAN Yeah, but his ass is on the line, too. He goes missing for weeks on end without a peep? Well, not one that makes sense, anyway. Listen to this. CROWLEY Dean. Um... [indecipherable ramblings] SAM Wait a second. Did he...drunk-dial you?

laughed out loud, thanks guys

i understand logistically and whatever but crowley and his demon friend fucking while fully clothed basically, also silly :p

did i just see snooki in the credits?? okay. curious if i'll be able to recognize her

so heaven factions, hell factions (sub-subplot crowley being addicted to human blood because it makes him feel things), mark of cain and brother drama... it's enough slices! i just don't care.

i think the crowley stuff is interesting and fun, he's a good character when he's being tricksy (and dull when just evil) and mark sheppard is overflowing with charisma, so i can be down for stuff that revolves around him. but when we start getting scenes of his demon lady meeting up with abaddon's minion because hell double agents i'm t i r e d

(god i'm making another reference to once i ate a pie, but this dog is the most relatable)

okay, so it's snooki as snooki/nicole

i fully expected paris hilton's appearance to be not good and was pleasantly surprised. unfortunately, can't say the same for snooki

also is crowley feeling guilty for the dead people now post-dose

wonder if that got a bitchface note from the transcriber. very pointedly asked lol

SAM Hey. So...Cain said the First Blade was tossed in the deepest ocean, right? That's the Mariana Trench. Maybe Crowley found it, and it's a double-cross. DEAN That doesn't make sense. He wants me to power it up and kill the ginger. He set it up. SAM Okay. A-assuming he does show up with it, Crowley is only useful to us until we have the Blade. DEAN Yeah. So? SAM So...There's nothing stopping us from using it on him, right? DEAN Nothing at all.

oh but the moral quandary of his addiction and human-y feelings! and dean latches on to people and if you're family, all is forgiven; oh and demony things coming down the road for dean...

lol the awkward intervention where only 2 people showed up

exasperated parent vibes from sam and dean LOL

SAM What, are you knocking over blood banks?

--

DEAN Look at you. You're a mess. You know, we were counting on you. You let us down. SAM Your slimy followers were counting on you to kill Abaddon, and you let them down. DEAN The man with all the mojo -- Captain Evil. SAM Oh, it's pathetic. CROWLEY What is this? An intervention?

--

CROWLEY Poor Moose. It's always a little tricky keeping up, isn't it? SAM [looking up to find CROWLEY staring at him] What are you doing? CROWLEY I'm still a little tainted by humanity. Makes me sentimental. SAM Well, stop. CROWLEY You and I both know we shared a mo back in that church. And on some level, we are bonded.

SAM [exasperated] What is Crowley doing? DEAN looks around Stealing candy. SAM He is -- he's -- he's stealing candy.

i feel you sam, my kids make me feel the same way sometimes

dean lookin sharp in that suit. similar vein of the more casual dressy situation with the nice boots but really i think it's just it fits him more closely and he has a dark shirt ha

another microsoft surface product placement lol

DR. MCELROY "Compel"? And what might that involve?

all right

porn booze and comfy chair, quite the upgrade

oh my good god i do not care about this fucking magnus/cuthbert subplot. anything around the men of letters i rapidly lose interest. similar to the angel politics. demons and the boys apparently are about all i can get it up for

MAGNUS Dean, I am offering you the moon here -- to be part of the greatest collection of all time, to be young forever. Let me teach you my secrets. Hmm? Be my companion. I have to be honest with you, it has gotten lonely here over the years. DEAN When you were saying any of that, did it feel at all creepy? Yeah. I'm just gonna grab the Blade and go.

CROWLEY Who would have thunk it, eh, Moose -- you and me, same team, in the trenches. When this is over, we can get matching tattoos. SAM Just to be clear, Crowley, we are not on the same anything. By the way, since the place is warded, your powers are useless, which means you are useless, even more so than usual. CROWLEY You're gonna need another set of hands when you get in there, unless you have other volunteers in mind. SAM Thanks. Pass. CROWLEY If memory serves me, I'm the one who helped your brother find Cain so that we could find the Blade, so that Dean could receive the Mark. I'm the one who flushed that lout Gadreel out of your noggin. So, lately, big boy, I've seen more playing time than you.

the whole dean is "Not Moose" in crowley's phone, he's really focusing in on sam here

the awkward hunched over half inside the car rummaging through files is cracking me up

as much as i'm feeling blah about the MoL magnus thing, there is some spark from this dude being so creepy and collecting people/monsters/whatever and forcing dean to be part of the zoo collection

not sure how creepy magnus plans to keep mark of cain powered up hunter on a leash and doing his bidding

MAGNUS Hmm. Well, I'm not asking you for your cooperation. I'm just taking it.

oh. magical roofies. great. ugh.

trying to figure out who magnus guy reminds me of, young treat williams maybe

good food

oh, controlling dean via torturing sam, great.

i liked the sound design/score there for after dean killed creepy creeper where it had kind of a ringing over the music, whole blood / blade singing

well at least dean can't go on any killing sprees without the blade egging him on? not clear on how that works exactly now that he's held it and used it to kill somone

so is crowley fine now, no lasting effects from abruptly discontinuing his drug of choice?

no time for brotherly angst with all this hoopla

[thehollowwriter]

hi, i hope it's not too late, i just wanted to send you some questions for that ask game you reblogged! so, can i ask 🐾 and 🌹 for quinn and 🍄and 🦇 for finn, if that's okay? :D

OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING! IT REALLY MEANS A LOT! FEEL FREE TO ASK MORE

I've already done Riddle and Quinn (+ Finn) so you can find that here:

Thief solidarity

Ruggie doesn't have too much of an opinion on Quinn, but he is slightly intimidated by how aggressive and violent she can get. She is fully willing to stick a knife in your eye, he does not want to get involved. That aside, he does admire her sticky fingers and how efficient she is at stealing stuff. They rarely interact so he doesn't have much else to say.

Quinn, on the other hand, likes Ruggie despite not knowing him well. She thinks he's sly and street smart- both are admirable traits. Other than that, she doesn't think of him much. He's cool.

They have a mutual respect. They don't know each other that well and don't interact much, but if put together they will get along.

Quinn offered to take of the "Leona problem". Ruggie declined.

They're gay, your honour.

Jade finds Finn very interesting as well as cute, and has taken to manipulating what he can to spend time with him or see him more often. They get along very well. Finn is always willing to listen to Jade talk about his hobbies, which fills Jade with immeasurable joy. Finn's rarely seen menacing and sadistic side has just drawn in Jade all the more. And he's in the same club as Malleus Draconia? Colour him impressed. This eel is so in love and he doesn't even know it.

Finn adores Jade. Jade is quiet, respectful and level in his energy so that's an automatic win. Plus he's attractive, somewhat sadistic and mysterious? 10/10. Finn invites Jade for tea often and they will sit in the botanical gardens together when they have time. Jade listens to his ramblings about music, and he listens to Jade's ramblings about mushrooms. Finn has fallen hard.

They both get along great, are greatly intrigued by one another, and definitely exchange information they've learned about other students. They're both head over heels for each other, but haven't quite realised yet. Floyd is losing his damn mind watching them interact.

Evil x evil

Well now-

Crowley thinks Finn is an excellent student. Good grades, is not problematic mostly, is quiet, and respects his teachers. They've only closely interacted once, and Crowley refuses to admit that he was quite spooked by the sudden flash of twisted teeth...

Help, Finn hates Crowley. He's loud, obnoxious and overly prideful. The loudness is the worst. Finn is sensitive to noise and it hurts his ears. He avoids Crowley like the plague, and honestly holds MC in higher regard. At least they get stuff done.

Crowley likes Finn, Finn does not like Crowley. If Finn could, he'd eat his headmaster. But he never said that, be quiet.

....................................

Tagging: @adarkenedforest @honey-milk-depresso @cupids-chamber @cherrys-sweetness @sanctum-of-ramshackle

[wolverina2002]

Cats are creatures of Hell

Arwen meets an Angel. She is not impressed.

Oxford, 1913

The Cat knows he´s here. The being that caused her creation, that is responsible for her very existance. So now he can be bothered to come find her, after centuries of existance. First as all kinds of wild cats, always hunted for her fur, until she finally found her place.

She isn´t really an ordinary house cat, mind you, none of these boring british long- or shorthair mousers that live all around the university to hunt mice or rats. No, The Cat is a karakal. Creme-white, of course, because the Universe apperantly can´t be bothered to give her a more usefull coloring. So almost pure white it is, with black ears and the obligatory black circle on her forehead. A godsdamned halo. Because apperantly, an Angel is responsible for her existance on this tortured earth.

She should maybe be glad that it´s not a human or anything worse responsible for her creation, but honestly, right now, the whole world can go burn as long as it leaves her library alone. And as long as that Tolkien kid keeps coming around to pet her and sneak her treats.

But nooo, apperantly the Universe designed her to follow around an Angel. Granted, a very kind Angel - he´s talking to John and being very interested, so that´s a point in The Cat´s book - but still, an Angel. A feathered menace to society annoying everyone with their over-the-top holyness. The Cat has lived long enough - and has died in enough churches - to know that if that is how Angels influence humanity, it´d be better if they all staid in heaven. Stop placating people with small miracles and get on with the big issues!

Although, maybe she shouldn´t expect too much from this particular Angel. He doesn´t feel overwhelmingly powerfull, the kind of power that can stop wars. No, he feels like this library The Cat presides over. A safe haven, cozy and warm. Hm. Maybe this one is worth investigating.

~~~~~~

Aziraphale feels the eyes on him the moment he entered the oxford library. They´re not malicious, just judgemental. It takes him a while to discover the source of those eyes. An unusual cat, perched high on a shelf, with her black ears twitching as she stares at Aziraphale, green eyes glinting with both judgement and resignation. He waits for her to approach him, curious of what a so obviously not mere mortal cat could want from him. He isn´t sure where Crowley vanished to, and he hopes his friend acquointance hasn´t gotten into trouble.

Finally, the cat approaches him in a quiet moment and stares at him.

"So. What in the name of all that is unholy do I do with an Angel? A Principality no less. Jesus´ toenails and toothpick, do I look like a war-cat?"

Aziraphale finds himself blinking at this strange creature, looking at her on a more metaphysical level. No angelic or demonic aura, only the shimmering dance of sunlight and fire around her fur. Nothing evil, so to speak, only annoyance.

"And who are you, if I may ask?"

"Creature of fire and light, for some reason created through your presence and thus bound to you. God hopefully knows why, but I don´t."

Aziraphale blinks at that.

"Oh dear. I´m afraid this is quite fascinating, my dear. Could I convince you to accompany me to my bookshop?"

He gets a feeling of intense annoyance from the cat. If she were physically able, she´d roll her eyes.

"As polite as you asking is, Azi, I physically can´t refuse. You call, I come, apperantly."

"Still, it´d be rude to do so without your permission."

A feeling like a deep sigh filtered through the air as the cat angrily cleaned her tail.

"Fine. But there better be books, sunlight and food", the cat decrees like a queen, jumping off the table and trotting towards the door.

Aziraphale shakes his head and follows her. This will be interesting indeed.

[aziraphales-library]

Hello! May I ask if y'all have any recs on gayngel slowburns where how Crowley taking care of his plants his a metaphor for himself is a main theme? Thank you kindly if you do have them!

Hi! Here are some fics which explore the way Crowley treats his plants...

asterisk; worthy of love anyway by bacondoughnut (NR)

All of it started with the garden. Not The Garden, although it could be said that all of it started with The Garden. That was a longer story for a different time. No, all of started with Crowley's garden. The one he kept in his flat. Or rather, more specifically, Crowley's gardenia.

in which crowley projects onto his plants, aziraphale adores the plants, and drama and love confessions follow.

Unpack Your Heart by rattatatosk (G)

This-- what he did with the plants was something else. Something raw and festering and ugly. Exactly the sort of cruel, vicious behavior demons were known for. Unforgiveable, that's what I am, he'd said, and it was true, but it was only in moments like this that he really felt it. That he lashed out and knew he looked just as a demon should. Cruel. Malicious. Irredeemable.

(Crowley shouting at his plants isn't a good coping strategy, but it's the best one he has. And one he never intends to let Aziraphale find out about.

But no secret can last forever.)

Echoes by Usedtobehmc (G)

The way Crowley treats his plants seems very familiar to Aziraphale.

When the Levee Breaks by EdosianOrchids901 (T)

One of Crowley's "therapy" sessions of yelling at plants escalates into a panic attack, and Aziraphale realizes that his demon has been hiding his struggles. Aziraphale wants to help with both the immediate breakdown and Crowley's severely elevated stress levels, but will Crowley let him?

Taking care of plants, friends and other hobbies by giurochedadomani (G)

“I was not torturing them”, he highlights, flabbergasted at the idea before taking into account that being flabbergasted at the idea of torturing is very undemonic, which tightens the knot in his throat whose presence he's refused to acknowledge for the better part of the afternoon. “I was talking to them. Reminding them what’s expected of them”.

“Terrorizing them would be a much better way to describe it,” counters Aziraphale. “It’s no wonder why fear oozes from the room!”

--

Or, Aziraphale thought it was charming when he heard that Crowley talked to his plants, up until he discovers the exact nature of those conversations.

is that a spot? by GayDemonicDisaster (T)

There are many theories on why Crowley threatens, terrifies, and destroys his plants, but what if the reason is that he HAS to? When being a demon isn't just a job description but what you *are*, you have to do evil deeds and cause pain and distress, otherwise your demonic soul withers and you are harmed yourself. Crawly/Crowley finds out the hard way that he has to do evil. Ever the clever serpent, he works out a loophole to do so without harming humans like the other demons do.

For What of a Seed by cassieoh (T)

A plant grows, a plant dies, Aziraphale takes a wrong turn, and a few truths are revealed. The first of which is this; painful truths cannot be buried for they will sprout and flourish while one is busy having lunch and raising supposed devil-spawn. From this, each of our heroes takes a single lesson; Aziraphale learns that it is better to never bury truth in the first place and Crowley learns the altogether less palatable lesson that truths should be mulched into nothingness when one has the chance, lest they regrow.

I will leave it up to you, dear reader, to decide who is correct.

(aka: post-Apocalypse Crowley finally deals with the issues he's been ignoring for the last 6000 years)

- Mod D

[brother-hermes]

UNIVERSE OF ASIYAH (MAKING)

There are four Universes, Atzilut (Nearness), Beriyah (Creation), Yetzirah (Formation), and Asiyah (Making).

The prophets were able to see into Atzilut even though it was shrouded in the light of Beriyah. Ezekiel himself received his prophecy through Atzilut clothed in the light of Beriyah which was itself clothed in Yetzirah.

I know that sounds really really confusing but it merely means the prophets peered into the other realms of existence through a lense. See, the human mind never gazes directly upon the Glory of G-d. Normally Divine revelations come to humans through angels like Metatron or Akhteriel.

There are plenty of occultists who have gone mad while working through the various paths of Kabbalah. I've always believed that this happened because they were power hungry and had twisted desires in their heart but now I'm not so sure.

Rabbi Chaim Vital explained the practical kabbalah in a way I find incredibly interesting:

"From then on, people only made use of techniques involving the universe of Asiyah. since this is the lowest of the universes, it's angels have only a little good, and are mostly evil. Besides this, this is a level where good and evil are closely intertwined and it's very difficult to separate them. This does not bring any enlightenment since it's impossible to perceive good alone, and one's perception is therefore a combination of good and evil, truth and falsehood."

He then goes on to say:

"Besides this, it involves coercing angels with oaths against their will. These angels retaliate by enticing the individual, drawing them into evil ways until his soul is destroyed."

Now, I've studied quite a few grimoires, The Testament of Solomon being chief among them. In this text one finds specific instructions on binding certain spirits through use of angels from the higher realms.

Think of Edward Kelley for a moment. He was a good friend of John Dee and undoubtedly a very well mastered Quaballist. Now this man went absolutely mad deciphering the language of the angels, the famous Enochian Keys.

Could it be that he peered into what jewish mystics call Asiyah and fell prey to a nefarious being? If so, how many of the intentional blinds we find in Crowley's work or Fortunes were actually put their by them?

I say this because it never occurred to me to actually act on any of the teachings in the grimoires. I've always relied heavily on Ru'ahh to guide my higher self safely through the other realms. It puts a whole new spin on that "to dare" mantra.

Either way, I highly recommend speculative study and meditation before diving in the deep end of the pool. Just food for thought.

[kitcat-italica]

Headcanon/Theory about Crowley's hair:

The longer it is, the more relaxed he is. The shorter it is, the more stressed he is.

Let's break it down:

1. Eden:

Hair length: not just shoulder-length, but CURLY.

Stress level: Snek boi just got his new body! And his first job, which he didn't fuck up! Baby is ready to tempt and explore this brave new world! What could possibly go wrong!

2. The Ark:

Hair length: e v e n l o n g e r t h a n E d e n. Little braids in there. An absolute Glamour Look™

Stress level: honey was having a good day! Wandering around with God's chosen people, causing trouble, sipping date wine without a care in the world! Then he sees that gorgeous angel he talked to all those years ago and his day just got 1000% better! (Hello, Aziraphale!!!) Look how happy this demon is!

(Until he finds out the Ark is being built because the world's gonna flood. But he didn't know that when he was doing his weave that morning!)

3. Golgotha

Hair length: still long, but hidden behind her hood

Stress level: things are technically going well for Hell (the supposed Messiah is being executed), but she's pretty somber about it. The minute she leaves, honey is getting a stress haircut.

4. Rome

Hair length: SHORT. SHORT FOR THE FIRST TIME WE'VE SEEN. SHORT HAIR ALERT, IT HAS BEEN 0 DAYS SINCE OUR LAST STRESSED CROWLEY INCIDENT

Stress level: he's been disillusioned by humans after this long, and to top it all off, he's on assignment to corrupt Caligula. He's damn near close to burnout at this point. Someone give him some oysters and friendly banter pls

5. Wessex

Hair length: unknown. Fucking helmet.

Stress level: unknown. On one hand, he's camping with his ruffian friends making Dramatic Evil Speeches at whoever crosses their path. On the other hand, he'd rather stay home rather than do all this work for nothing. Plus, it's cold and damp. Ew.

6. Globe Theatre

Hair length: LONG AGAIN. LONG AND LUSCIOUS AND FLOWING. THE SORT OF GORGEOUS MANE THAT ANY MAN WOMAN NB FRIEND OR ANGEL WOULD WANT TO RUN THEIR FINGERS THROUGH. THE GOATEE DOESN'T EVEN DETRACT FROM THAT, AND THE FACT THAT HE IS SO HAPPY HE CAN EVEN LET HIS FACIAL HAIR GO I JUST—

Stress level: back to low! Babe is comfortable again! England's in a golden age, he's not seeing the horrors of the 14th century anymore! And perhaps most significantly, he's been seeing Aziraphale more often due to the Arrangement. Seeing your friend often reduces stress levels! Danger? Uncertainty? Stress? Who is she???

7. Bastille

Hair level: probably sort of long, but it's kept close from all those wig roll things

Stress level: I swear to Satan, angel, if you put your neck literally on the line just because you want to flirt with me in a prison cell, I will withhold crepes from you for an entire week—

8. Victorian England

Hair length: short again

Stress levels: high again. Sweetie is taking the threat to their relationship seriously now. He's got to ask for the equivalent of enriched uranium from his Best Friend, and then Best Friend says no. And they actually fight. Stressed demon is stressed :(

9. The Blitz

Hair length: short. Dapper, but short.

Stress level: It's WW2. He's got to walk over consecrated ground. The last time he saw Aziraphale, they had a pretty bad argument. Who wouldn't be stressed?

10. 1967

Hair length: slightly longer than the last time we saw him. Still relatively short by Crowley standards.

Stress level: Less than before, because 1. It's not WW2 anymore, and 2. He gets to plan a fun little heist! Being all sneaky, creating elaborate plans, looking like A Cool Mysterious Person! But, it's all so he can get holy water so he can protect himself from fellow demons, so life is not all demonic sunshine and rainbows.

11. Disco era

Hair length: still short by Crowley standards, but now we have THE MUSTACHE

Stress level: Honey is starting to just Let. Go. Gotta make a presentation to Hell? Who cares! Gotta move some markers across the field at night? Where's my Fuck Shit Up jacket! I'm gonna dance terribly with Hastur and Ligur with a giant pin in front of a Technicolor CGI backdrop, and everyone else just has to fucking DEAL WITH IT. Nothing can stop me now. I am ferocious. I am sex on legs. I am Tony With The Stache

12. 2008

Stress level: He's been having a good few decades. He's got his holy water insurance in a safe. He's got his intricate plans to fuck with London. He's got his best friend back. He's got an outfit that slays. He is living. His. Best. LIFE.

13. Nanny Ashtoreth

Hair length: getting down to his shoulders again! Baby is using conditioner daily, and it shows. He stops traffic with that bright red shine!

Hair length: pulled back and curled, but he lets it down when he reports to Hell.

Stress level: torn between confidence that the plan will work, and worry that it won't. Still, stress won't stop him from serving looks on a double-decker bus!

14. Armageddon Week

Hair length: short, but with its little floof on top.

Stress level: It's the end of the world we're talking about! He's gonna have to either hope his plan worked (it didn't), kill the kid to save the world (which he's not thrilled about), or fuck off the entire planet and leave behind the world he's fallen in love with (which...how sad is that?). This poor demon might as well change his name to Anthony S Crowley, because Stress is now his middle name :(

15. South Downs cottage

Hair length: DOWN TO HIS FUCKING WAIST, AND THERE'S NO STOPPING IT FROM THERE. HONEY HAS WEAVES AND BRAIDS IN IT LIKE A DAMN TAPESTRY

Stress level: He's got a quiet little retirement home by the sea. He gets to choose how to spread his brand of mischief. He gets to live with his best friend and love of his life!

Stress who? Never met her. He's too busy being So Goddamn Relaxed it should be illegal.

[nellie-elizabeth]

Supernatural: Despair (15x18)

I'm having an out of body experience, I cannot believe this. Last night was legitimately one of the weirdest nights of my life, and not just because of *gestures broadly* but also because of *gestures broadly* and myriad other small but still totally bizarre personal things coming at me from all angles... strap in, y'all, I've got some shit to say.

Cons:

We're gonna talk about it. Ohhhh, we're gonna talk about it. But let's start with some other shit before we get there.

So... are we ignoring "Dean was willing to let Jack sacrifice himself" or something? Like there was that moment with Sam and Dean where they talked about it, and Dean apologizes for pulling a gun on Sam, and Sam is like "oh it's okay Dean, no worries." But at the beginning of this episode, Dean seems to be just as worried for Jack, and as protective of him, as the others, with absolutely no acknowledgment of what happened in the last episode. This... should have mattered. There should have been some regrouping and some serious talks about this. Seriously.

The Thanos snap thing... guys, when Infinity War did it in 2018, it was kind of fun and shocking and cool, and we knew the deaths wouldn't be permanent but it was still wild to watch our heroes react to such an immense loss and then leave us all in limbo for a year. This... is not that. The sheer tone-deafness of having this episode contain a moment of domesticity for AU!Charlie and her cool egg-making girlfriend Stevie, only to have Stevie vanish... and then to end the episode with the biggest queer-bait/bury your gays moment imaginable... like...

Okay, sorry, no, saving the Destiel thing until I've sorted out the rest of this nonsense. The point is, seems pretty clear that the deaths in this episode (other than Cas') are temporary, and Supernatural already has the biggest power creep problem of any show I've ever seen... they really couldn't think of another way to up the stakes for the ending, other than doing the thing where everyone gets killed? Didn't... Crowley... already do this to them several seasons back? Am I hallucinating? There's nothing new under the sun with this show.

Why does this show introduce things and resolve them in a single episode? Like, big, huge things? We just figured out Death was trying to double-cross them, and now by the end she's dead? This show either limps along and does nothing, or speeds through plot stuff at lightning-speed. These last two episodes were big and dramatic and full of Plot but in a way where it all feels kind of unreal. Pacing issues like whoa.

And speaking of. Ahem. Okay. Let's... let's do this. I have some things about the Destiel scene that I'm going to put in the "pros" section below, and hopefully as you read on you'll understand why it's really hard for me to be black and white about it. If I had to, if I had to determine whether I am "happy" or "sad" or "grateful" or "angry" I'd say... sad and angry, 97%? Like? Let's dive in, here.

Setting aside the larger context, a couple of smaller notes:

Acting-wise, what the fuck was Jensen doing in this scene? Misha was acting his whole heart out and Jensen gave him nothing to play off of. I don't understand how Jensen accidentally played Dean so obviously in love with Cas all this time, and then in this moment, no-homo'd it so fucking hard. Even the stage directions in the script page that was floating around said that Dean didn't reciprocate. That's dumb, like, in a shipping sense it's disappointing, but also... Dean, what was your face doing while Cas gave his whole monologue about how amazing you are? What a great and loving man you are? Even if he hadn't ended the whole thing by saying "I love you" and then dying right in front of your eyes, surely you would have been feeling some kind of way about the whole situation?

Also, the scene was shot so awkwardly, there was too much space between them, and then Cas pushes Dean out of the way and he just sits there on the floor with Pikachu-face while The Empty opens up and takes Death and Cas away, making these weird shocked noises... Supernatural often has awkward pacing when dramatic things are happening in action scenes, where certain people have to stand still like it's not their turn on the initiative order in a D&D fight or something, and this was one of the more embarrassing and awkward examples of that.

Cas' deal with The Empty has not been brought up practically since it happened. Cas has been sidelined as a character a lot this season, the past couple seasons, really, but we had this hanging over our heads, right? When Cas says "I've figured it out, true happiness isn't in having, it's just in saying it", the moment doesn't really work on a character level, because we didn't get to see Cas do any of that figuring out. We didn't know he was curious about his true happiness, we didn't know it was an internal struggle/debate for him, wondering what it could be. A lot of Destiel people wanted it to be Dean confessing his love to Cas, and that being the true happiness... but of course that would never happen in a million years. Others thought it would be "yay we defeated the big evil, we can all be a happy family together," oh snap, I'm too happy, goodbye. Which would have been... weirdly anticlimactic, but at least would have made some level of narrative sense. This idea that telling Dean how he feels would bring Cas peace is... well, it's okay, it's fine in isolation, but there's no buildup to it, no tension to his moment of "realization."

And now to fry some bigger fish...

Let's forget about the fact that we never thought this would happen to begin with. Is it actually... worse that it did? Seriously, queer angel man confesses his love to stoic human man who stands there without making a single expression, and the act of confessing said love, knowing it's not reciprocated, knowing he won't get to be with Dean or even be near him ever again, is enough to make Castiel so truly happy that he's willing to die peacefully and forever, all in the act of saving Dean's life? Is that not... like... textbook homophobia? People toss around "bury your gays" a lot and I think what they're missing is that the trope doesn't automatically apply just because a queer character dies. It means a queer character dies because of their queerness, or they are revealed to be queer but can't get any measure of happiness and then they die immediately. This is textbook that. The act of confessing his GAY LOVE is what KILLED CAS. It's a one-to-one sequence of events. It's not a coincidence that Cas died right after saying this. Saying this is what made him die. That's... appalling. Truly, in a very real sense, it's appalling.

Another thing I haven't seen people talk about much is the manufactured nature of this sacrifice. We just found out Billie was going to turn on them at the end of the last episode. If Cas was going to die in a sacrifice-y way, did it have to happen now when Billie was basically just knocking on the door trying to get at Dean for a last-minute revenge thing, even though Billie was already at death's door? This was so contrived, like, can Cas not whoosh them away to somewhere else? Keep them running until Billie succumbs? I get that it wouldn't have been easy, and maybe Billie could have caught up to them anyway, but my point is, they manufactured this moment to be "the only way" that Dean could survive, making Cas' sacrifice so noble and necessary or whatever... but I was sitting there thinking there's got to be another way. If they'd wanted to write in another way, there could have been. The inevitability felt so very contrived. And, as mentioned, the impact of dying on this show has lost all meaning, so even Billie trying to kill Dean, squeezing his heart in his chest, did absolutely nothing for me. I knew he'd be fine, because there are two more episodes left. And if Cas hadn't been there to do what he did, Dean would still have been fine because he's Dean. Am I making any sense?

We have two more episodes left. I am... fairly confident Misha won't be in those episodes. All context, both within the show and without, points to that. I truly think that after all this time, he gets the only ending in the whole show that's unambiguously unsalvageable and tragic. We have a world where the afterlife exists and people can hang out there, but The Empty is a different beast, and this means Cas is... gone. Permanently. Like, his consciousness no longer exists, he's caput. They could bring him back from The Empty, in fact, they've already done it once... but if they decide not to, that's just... where we leave things, and that's brutal and unnecessarily grim. The other characters, even if we get an end-of-show TPK (which would be STUPID, more on that later), could at least have canon or implied-canon reunions in the afterlife. If we don't see Eileen again, we can get the implied ending of her coming back to life, or Sam dying and joining her in Heaven. Same with Charlie, with Charlie's new girlfriend, with Bobby, with Donna, with every other character that's died along the way, including Mary Winchester and OG Charlie, OG Bobby, whatever you want. The fact that Cas gets this, after everything, is truly the part I'm the most sad about, setting aside love confessions entirely.

So as I said, two more episodes. I'm worried that Cas dying is gonna get swallowed up with everyone dying and not get its due, thus making the confession completely isolated. Like, here you go, gays, have this one scene, which, in isolation is quite heartfelt from Cas' perspective, but can be carefully boxed up and not touched for the last two hours of the show. If they don't want to touch on how this would affect Dean specifically, they don't have to. He can be generally angsty and sad about Cas, but they could get away with never bringing it up again, and that is some grade-A level bullshit right there, my friends. At minimum, Dean needs to tell Sam about this. He probably won't, but he should, if the show has any sense of integrity left in its bones.

Ahem. Like I said, I have... lots of thoughts. More on Destiel later, but let's turn to the "Pros" section and talk about some other aspects of this incredibly crowded episode.

Pros:

Despite my issues with everything that didn't get resolved re: Dean letting Jack die, I did kind of like the "to somehow" scene, because it was a nice little breather for the brothers, it solidified them as being on the same side to the bitter end, that despite all the crazy shit they've been through, that they've put each other through, they'll have this as a bedrock at the end of the day. I'm not a brothers-only sort of fan, at all, in fact, I think a brothers-only ending betrays most of what's beautiful about this show in its good moments. But they are the stars, they are the protagonists, they should be the center of their own story, and I like it when we get check-ins like this, that shows how unshakable they are underneath all the other crap.

Charlie and Stevie... okay, cute that their names are like that, cute that Charlie said: "I liked the way she handled herself" and that's how they got together... eggs are cute, whatever... and if these deaths are impermanent, which... come on... they have to be, I do like that Charlie gets to have a girlfriend and be happy as a hunter and as someone's partner.

I liked the tense car ride with Sam texting Eileen, with Dean, Jack, and Cas all silent in the car with him... that was a nice moment of solidarity, all of them entirely on the same page about being there for Sam and helping Eileen however they could... even knowing the futility. What were they going to do when they got there? That was a great tension-building moment, in isolation, even though the deaths are likely temporary.

Cas and Jack's talk was good, I'll admit I've definitely been won over by Cas and Sam as Jack's dads... Dean too, once upon a time, but dude needs to do some groveling before he gets to be Dad again, seriously. It's nice that in the midst of all the chaos, there was a check-in moment. Jack is the embodiment of a lot of our end-game themes, here. He had a noble destiny to sacrifice himself, and then it fizzled out and didn't work, and now he's just left in the aftermath, not sure what to do with himself. It was important that Cas tell him that Jack is worthy of love and family, even if he's not "useful" in the way he thought he could be. Definitely nice to have that nailed in.

If we're following the Infinity War/Endgame line, the last two episodes will be majority Sam, Dean, and Jack, but at the last moment there will be a way to reverse it, and everyone else will come back in a moment of triumph. But probably not so much Castiel, which... well... see above complaints. The point is, seeing Charlie, Bobby, Donna, Eileen, etc. all burst forth for one final moment of glory could be really cool, if they manage to stick the landing with it. It'll be an incredibly manufactured sense of triumph and nostalgia, but it will probably work on me because it's been... guys, I don't know if you know this, but it's been kind of an emotional year. :)

I will say, working under the assumption that the dead characters will come back, I'm actually oddly... not mad about Donna dying. It was actually a legitimately shocking twist. A rule was set up: if a person had died before and been resurrected, or if a person was from another universe, they could be Thanos snapped by Billie. Makes sense. Sam and Dean are in danger because of all their deaths, Jack and Cas aren't safe for the same reason. Charlie, Bobby, Eileen... sure. But Donna should have been safe, given the parameters we started with.

And then Dean and Cas are confronting Billie, she says she's not killing anyone, we realize it must be Chuck... and then Donna, who isn't from another world, who has never died... GONE. I gasped.

And the hits kept coming... Billie is dying because Dean killed her with that small wound, and didn't even know it. That's another excellent twist. The past two episodes, back to back, have kept me on my toes about who to ultimately be afraid of. Chuck? Billie? The Empty? It's so much better than this slow march to Chuck vs. Sam and Dean that we've been getting all season, even if we do loop around to Chuck again as the final Big Bad.

The Empty is actually quite a complex, interesting idea for a villain, this entity that doesn't get involved in petty squabbles, doesn't have personal vendettas, but actually just wants to sleep and be left alone. Having Meg be the Empty's face here at the end is also a nice touch. I wish we could have had more of this, truthfully, and I'm curious how The Empty will play a role in how things shake out, if at all.

So... I want to go back to something I've been saying these past couple episodes, about how if this show has a grimdark ending, it will be a betrayal of everything they've set up. It will be so stupid that my anger will manifest in yet another round of hysterical giggles. What I suspect is that we'll get something peaceful, something where trauma will linger but people will get to start anew. Maybe Jack creates a new world outside of Chuck's power. Maybe Sam and Dean take over as God and the Darkness, as some people suggested, and Jack is the new Death. Maybe maybe maybe. Bottom line, I could be satisfied with the majority of this ending, and I can even (obliquely, reluctantly) understand that they wanted one final perma-death to really make the stakes feel higher. If they aren't killing off the Winchesters, that leaves Castiel. So what I'm saying in this paragraph is basically that I'm not guaranteed to despise the ending of this show yet. They could still get it right.

God, that sounds pretty bleak, doesn't it?

Before I end this, I want to talk about, as promised, the few Destiel-related points that I'd classify as "pros", albeit with a big asterisk.

First off, Misha clearly found the moment very cathartic, and he pulled out all the stops, and, in isolation, the confession was hella romantic and quite poignant. Without context, just reading these lines? "The one thing I want, it's something I know I can't have" and "because you cared, I cared. I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack, I cared about the whole world because of you..." like, that's some premium content, I won't lie. I also kind of enjoy the idea that Cas finds happiness in saying the words out loud, in being true to who he is. I hate a lot about what happened to Cas here, but if Cas' arc, in its totality, is about embracing humanity, and Dean is the anchor to that, this really does come full circle. He pulled Dean out of Hell, he saved him, he loved him, he'll die for him, and in accepting that love, that human love, he is finally at peace with who he is. Now, mind my comments above, I'm still not happy, but I can see how in one sense, this is narratively poignant. And if others are satisfied with it, I'm happy for them.

(Added bonus, while Jensen's acting was WACK for the majority of that scene, I did like the ending shot, the silence, him not answering Sam's call, crying silently into his hands. That was very nicely shot and acted, I thought.)

Secondly, and this isn't actually praise for the show, it's more a... meta experience? I have to say, the idea that Destiel became sort of canon, but in the most homophobic way possible, in the year 2020, while we're all still waiting for election results to come in is... one of the wildest, most hilarious things to ever have happened to me. I mean it, last night sitting alone in my house I kept cackling loudly to myself, in complete and utter disbelief. I saw Tumblr explode in a way that hasn't happened in years. I was transported back in time nearly a full decade, to the person I was when I started writing these reviews, or even before that, when I was new to Supernatural, new to the whole concept of being truly involved in a fandom.

Here's the thing... I never. Ever. EVER. Thought we would get any sort of textual confirmation. I thought at most, if they went for a happy ending for everyone, we'd get Dean and Cas as hunting partners, and we could all fill in the post-canon gaps. I once told my sister that I'd be happy with a one-sided love confession from Cas to Dean, because that part was practically canon before last night, and in a way, I am happy. I'm happy that this crazy thing actually happened, and if nothing else, all of those clowns can put away their makeup. I was never with them. I never believed, and there's this sliver of me that's happy to have been wrong. It's completely bogus how it happened, but the fact that we live in a reality where it happened is still kind of tripping me out in a major way. So I'm happy, I'm... flabbergasted, but I'm experiencing a very unique, unprecedented soup of emotions this morning and I never would have felt like this if Cas had died with a no homo parting.

And that's the thing, they let it be unambiguously about Dean, not just in that one moment, but all along, and that's really satisfying in a meta narrative sense that when everyone was reading it as "Castiel is in love with Dean," they were... correct. It doesn't really matter when they decided this, in last night's episode they made it crystal-clear that it wasn't a whim, wasn't a recent development, in-universe. This has been Cas' truth from very, very early on, his entire experience since meeting Dean has been shaped by him, he's loved him all this time. That... I don't know, it's absolutely bonkers that this is all we're going to get, but it does mean something, if you want to let it.

Welcome back to 2012, Tumblr. Last night was a wild ride, I won't deny.

I'm giving the episode a bad score, but I just want to say the Destiel scene gets a simultaneous infinity-out-of-ten and also zero-out-of-ten, imploding the multiverse instantly. That's where I'm at, folks. Insert gif of Chidi dropping Peeps into a big pot of chili. I'm gonna go take a nap.

6/10

[treasureoftheseas]

The Queen and The Pirate (Their First Year)

Sol watched on from behind a tree as Malleus practiced his magic, his chiseled features tensed up in concentration. In the few months since she had arrived at Night Raven the young lady had quickly noticed the stoic and powerful fae, and how even though they were both only in their first year, he was able to best many upperclassmen in training. Watching him entranced her, his beautiful raven colored hair, his pride in his abilities, his serious nature...

“Oh my, is the pirate potato ogling at Malleus again? How crude...”

Hearing the voice Sol quickly turned, unsheathing her sword and pointing it at the source of the voice. Vil Schönheit, a fellow first year, a Pomefiore dorm member, and an all around annoying guy. Pressing the tip of the sword close to his neck, Sol glared at him, “Mind your own business Vil, or do you want me to make your face even more unattractive.”

Vil only smirked, “Oh come now,” he pushed the tip of the sword down, “that kind of attitude will only drive Malleus away, after all he’s the type that would be into cute girls!”

A thorn-like feeling pricked her heart. It’s not as though Sol thought that she was cute; on the contrary, she knew that she wasn’t. But she learned at a young age that being “cute” was far less important than being alive. Hearing Vil say that the object of her affections would not like her for this sole reason made Sol feel something... strange.

Looking him in the eye, she sheathed her sword and frowned, “Shut it princess, at least I don’t need to wear a boatload of makeup.”

At this, Vil’s face became crimson red. A scowl covering his features, he angrily replied, “I am NOT a princess, I am a QUEEN,” he scoffed, “and for your information, I look stunning whether or not I wear makeup.”

Feeling her eye twitch, Sol decided to end the unpleasant conversation as soon as possible, “What are you even doing here Vil? Don’t you have anything better to do than speak to a “pirate potato” like me?”

Vil visibly calmed down, though his face was still scowling. Pulling out a piece of paper, he began to speak in an annoyed tone, “Unfortunately, I have been having some difficulties in fencing,” he sighed dramatically, “and Crowley said that I should give you... this.”

Careful not to touch her hand, Vil passed the paper over to her. Sol only rolled her eye at this, and turned her focus to what was written on the paper:

Miss Bucanero,

It has come to my attention that your classmate, Vil Schönheit, has had some trouble in regards to his fencing abilities. As such, I feel that it is necessary for him to be tutored by someone who is skilled in this field. Currently, you have the best scores in the entire school for this subject. Due to your prowess in this field, I have decided that you will begin tutoring Mr. Schönheit immediately, with you be awarded extra credit in return. Please take note that this task is non-negotiable, and failure to comply will result in you receiving a failing grade in fencing.

                                                                                   Sincerely,

                                                                                    Headmaster D. Crowley

Sol felt anger bubble up within her, but this only lasted for a moment. An idea had formed within her mind, and it was the kind of idea that she knew would get under Vil’s skin. Shifting her attention back to the prim Pomefiore student, she smirked, “Well I guess this means that you’re my pupil now,” she raised her right index finger, “on one condition.”

Looking exasperated, Vil looked down at her, “A condition? I believe the letter mentioned that if you refused to assist me, you would be given a failing grade. You are in no position to ask for something of me you little pirate potato.”

Eye filled with mischief, Sol gave her opinion on the matter, “It is true that the failing grade concerns me but... extra credit isn’t really enough of a reward in my opinion. So, I will tutor you, but in return,” she poked Vil in the chest, “you need to help me look ‘cuter.’”

Vil’s face contorted with disgust, “You CANNOT actually mean that... I mean if you were a Pomefiore member then maybe you would have the proper mindset for my beauty regime but,” he looked her up and down, “you only seem to care about two things: your sword, and Malleus.”

She couldn’t help but feel upset over the fact that Vil thought she only cared about her sword and Malleus, but his opinion of her gave her a way in, “If Malleus is one of the only things I care about, wouldn’t it make sense for me to try to become the kind of girl he would like?”

She didn’t actually mean this of course, the idea of changing herself so someone else would like her seemed ridiculous. But she had to say something to lure Vil in. And it worked.

Vil sighed, “Well I suppose I could do something about this,” he gestured towards her outfit, “mess, but we will have to make many adjustments to your current skincare routine. It’s all about the basics you know!”

Smiling, Sol watched as Vil turned to retrieve some of his beauty products from his dorm. If she had to babysit him, she was going to get back at him for all the times he called her a “pirate potato.” And what better way to obtain her vengeance than to make his “beautification” of her a living nightmare.

An evil glint in her eye, she walked back to the Hooksclave dorms. After all, she needed to prepare some equipment to teach Vil the art of the sword.

Two months passed, and during this time Vil greatly improved his sword wielding capabilities. Though at the beginning, he often gave himself minor injuries...

“HOW IN THE WORLD AM I SUPPOSED TO BALANCE THIS THING?!”

“Just stay calm and shift your weight a bit.”

“WAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!”

“Vil!”

And although she had vowed vengeance against the self-proclaimed “Queen,” overtime Sol began to enjoy their banter, not to mention some of Vil’s homemade beauty products...

“So all I have to do is leave this mask on for ten minutes and my skin will feel moisturized and healthy?”

“Why of course! But be aware that the mask could never help you attain my level of beauty.”

“Oh really? Then maybe if I were to use all of your products, I could become even more beautiful than you.”

“Wh-what? Sol, stop that... No, no, no, no, SOL, DON’T TAKE AWAY ALL OF MY PRECIOUS BABIES! IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO MAKE THEM!!!”

However, all things must come to an end. Their first year at Night Raven, and their excuse for spending time with each other, were no exceptions to this rule.

The soon-to-be second years walked into Vil’s dorm, with the scent of flowery, yet not overwhelming, perfume greeting them.

Vil strutted towards his massive walk-in closet, his proper voice ringing out, “As a thank you for helping me obtain an A in fencing, I have one final surprise for your ‘cute’ lessons. Just wait here while I get it from the closet!”

Sol could hear silent cursing and the rustling of fabric. Finally, she heard his voice say “aha” and Vil stepped out of the closet with the gift.

Standing in the center of the ornate room, Sol couldn’t believe what Vil had brought out. It was a beautiful indigo dress that had a single layer of lilac ruffle running diagonally at the bottom. Golden embroidery was stitched close to the ruffle in sweet, small patterns. Her eye widened, “Don’t tell me that this is my gift...”

The corners of his mouth lifting into a proud smile, Vil nodded, “That’s right! This is an original, one-of-a-kind piece that I made myself, and it was made solely for you!”

She gaped at the dress, “Vil... I don’t know what to say...”

He laughed and placed the dress in her hands, this time he didn’t bother to avoid making contact and their hands brushed against each other. “Oh, I almost forgot,” picking up what seemed to be a solid black piece of clothing from his golden vanity, Vil returned to her side, “This is an eyepatch that matches better with the dress than your current one! Now go change so I can see how you look!”

Shoving the eyepatch into her hands, he quickly guided her into his dressing room and shut the door before she could say a word. After being left alone in the spacious room, Sol began to dress herself. However, as soon as she finished, she couldn’t help but stare at herself in the full-length mirror next to her, “I look... good,” she smiled at her reflection, “But I still can’t believe that I became so focused on this dress, it was almost as if I had become...”

Entranced

Then it hit her, when was the last time she had thought about Malleus? The one she had been fixated on for so long. The one that had both power and pride. Had it been a few weeks?

But even so, thinking about him now did nothing to her heart.

“Why did that feeling stop?”

Two minutes later...

Sol stepped out of the dressing room, a light blush dusting her cheeks, she asked in a brusque tone, “So? How do I look?”

But Vil only stood there in awe, his eyes wide at the sight before him. Eventually, he gained enough composure to respond, “You look exquisite!” he paused, “Though I’m afraid I’ll have to apologize.”

A puzzled look on her face, Sol questioned him, “What for?”

He glanced to the floor, “Well you see, I promised to make you ‘cute,’ but instead I made you look beautiful. But I just could not let you settle for ‘cute’ when you had already become beautiful. So instead of a cute little dress, I made a long and beautiful one.”

Sol could feel her face warm up a bit, and with a small chuckle she responded, “You don’t need to apologize. If I’m being completely honest, I never meant to become cute anyways. Although,” she smiled brightly, “I did enjoy doing the whole beauty thing with you.”

Hearing this, Vil looked back at her, only to realize that he had forgotten about a vital piece of the outfit. Once again, he went up to his vanity, but this time he grabbed a small, royal purple box from one of its drawers. Standing in front of Sol, he smirked, “Alright, I want you to turn around and close your eyes! No peeking!”

“Okay, okay, I’m turning,” she said as she complied with his demands.

Opening the box, Vil pulled out a small golden choker that had a ruby attached to it. Placing it gently around her neck, he then hooked the clasp in the back. Guiding her to a mirror, he told her to open her eyes.

“A choker? Vil, it looks amazing.”

He smiled happily, “It does, but in the end it only enhances the beauty of its wearer.”

BA-DUMP

And at that sentence, the feeling that once belonged to Malleus returned to Sol’s heart.

Only this time, it belonged to a queen.

Okay, so this was VERY long, but it sums up their romance during their first year. I plan on doing two more (for their second and third years) sometime in the future. If you guys want a little fight scene or beauty scene that was touched on in this let me know in the comments or by reblogging.

Also here is something I made about a month and a half ago:

This is what the outfit is supposed to look like, Idk what the thing in her left hand is. Okay I’m tired now. Sleep here I come!

[banrionceallach]

Good Omens Crowley thoughts and headcanons

In no particular order

I just found out that the name Anthony can mean ‘praiseworthy’. Which, like, that’s fucking heartbreaking. I firmly believe that no matter how many times Anthony Janthony Crowley protests against being called nice or kind or good, that’s just a self-preservation instinct because if hell finds out he’s doing good he (and probably Aziraphale) would be in danger of getting destroyed. 

On a personal level I think he actually deeply appreciates being told that he’s good. Especially when it’s coming from Aziraphale. This is the guy who repeatedly mentioned that he didn’t mean to fall. Part of him misses Heaven (original flavour heaven with God present and communicating - not souless corporate heaven) quite desperately and wants to be told that he’s still worthy of it.

He was cast out for asking questions. This made him fall, as he says, doing a million light year freestyle dive into a pool of boiling sulphur. Nevertheless, throughout the show he continues to question God (show me a great plan! scene)

That bit where they’re watching Noah’s Ark and he questions Aziraphale: So, giving the mortals a flaming sword, how did that work out for you? To me there’s an underlying question there as well, viz. Did you get punished for disobedience? Did God throw you away too for not following orders or did They understand that you were just being kind, that you are good and caring? What did God think of your kindness? Are you like me now? Are you Fallen?

(The A/C shipper in me adds another unspoken question, which is : Do you need my help getting used to being Fallen? You’re still a kind anxious beautiful fusspot, you won’t do well in Hell they’ll hurt you. Do you need me to protect you? Let me protect you.)

Crowley really enjoys rescuing Aziraphale (from the guillotine, from the Nazis, turning up in a flaming car at the Armageddon and casually sauntering over while tossing Aziraphale a compliment) . Again, I think part of Crowley lives for validation and praise. Part of him wants to be the shining badass (arch?)angel coming to the rescue of his beloved. And when Aziraphale thanks him, he gets to feel that for a second. Yes. You are worthy, you are good, you never should have been cast out.

Shipper headcanon: I am convinced that Crowley has an entire daydream fantasy based around him rescuing Aziraphale from, Iet’s say demonic Nazis with guillotines. In the fantasy, after Aziraphale has been rescued he breathlessly confesses that he’s always loved Crowley and then they do one of those movie kisses where the hero bends the love-interest back as the impressed audience applauds.

He’s been coming back to this fantasy for 5000+ years. By 2019 it’s got quite specific details.

Personal AU ish Headcanon: Due to just not being that evil Crowley is actually immune to holy water. He just doesn’t know it. Possibly this something in a world where he used to be Raphael. Holy water won’t work on Archangels, even Fallen ones, especially not F-in-Evil fallen archangels like Crowley. For an evil Fallen archangel who’s into the whole do evil thing holy water burns like diluted acid, but can’t kill. For Crowley - it’s just water.

Crowley is actually good with kids. Aziraphale’s not terrible either. I think Warlock being kind of a dick is a combination of (a) Crowley and Aziraphale for all their influencing had positions as servants in the household not actual parents. (b) His mother might be okay (no evidence to the otherwise but she’s an ambassadors spouse so is probably very busy with work a lot of the time,) but I suspect that Mr I HAVE A MALE BOY SON Dowling at least probably dropped a pile of toxic masculinity into his kids impressionable head. (c) He’s 11. We’ve all been self-centred little shits when we were 11 (d)  His parents named him Warlock. I doubt that was fun on the playground. He probably deeply wants a name like John or Owen or Tom.

If they actually co-parented a kid together, that kid would probably be fine, if a little odd about religious stuff.

Crowley definitely pulled a fast one and saved lots of mesopotamian kids from the Flood, while Aziraphale quietly looked the other way. (What? The notorious Serpent Crawly interfered with the Almighty’s great Flood Plan? How ridiculous. If he was around I most certainly would have noticed!! Incidentally he prefers Crowley. Er - so I’ve heard. From . .  a demon I exorcised. Yes.)

Looking after 200+ kids until the waters receded meant that Crowley got a lot of experience with infants. He is ridiculously competent with small babies. Also he just likes them because the don’t know enough to be afraid of his eyes.

Funny HC: The Walk is genuinely because after 6000 years, this ridiculous dramatic Snek Man still can’t quite get the hang of legs.

Non Funny: it’s because of the curse God cast on him after he tempted A&E. Crawl on your belly and consume dust . . . .and if you don’t it’ll hurt. A Lot. Crowley has the angel equivelent of Scoliosis. His spine and hips are a mess in human form and he’s a regular on chronic pain management forums.

Coming across posts from kids with severe chronic pain makes him depressed and angry at God all over again.

[ineffably-in-love]

Good Omens Soundtrack: The “Lift Home?” Music Analysis

So, I’ve been way too deep into the Good Omens OST lately, and it’s a real shame that not every piece we hear in the show made it to the final soundtrack. One of the pieces most people miss is the romantic violin song that plays in Episode 3, when Crowley hands Aziraphale his unharmed books and bastard angel canonically realises he’s in fact in love with that demon thanks Michael Sheen.

I thought it would be fun to unpack this piece of music --- and even though Aziraphale and Crowley don’t have an explicit theme of their own, by now I firmly believe that this melody is Their Theme. Read my take on it under the cut :’)

First of all, a brief definition from Wikipedia on what a ‘motif’ is in music: “A motif is a short musical phrase, a [...] recurring figure, musical fragment or succession of notes that has some special importance in or is characteristic of a composition.”

With that outta the way, let’s dive into this.

So, this is basically the melody we’re hearing when Crowley hands Aziraphale the books:

But that’s not the first time we hear this melody. It first shows up in the Main Theme, after the A Minor and Major parts, that, as far as I’m concerned, are Hell and Heaven respectively. Or at least two different ideologies/ideas/fractions. This new little theme is still in A Major, but it’s not as elaborate as the melody from before. It’s playful, sure, but very simple and repetitive, maybe even to a point where it can get kind of annoying. It goes like this:

As you can see, both motifs start on an E --- the same note that the Main Theme (the first thing that plays in the intro) starts with. The melodies go down from there, to D sharp and C sharp respectively. But the little new motif takes a very different turn with C sharp, because C sharp is what distinguishes the sound of A Major from A Minor. It’s E - C sharp - F sharp. This new motif does not turn into A Minor, like the Main Theme did. It ends on a high A and stays A Major throughout.

That’s very interesting, and I kept wondering --- what does it mean? Why is there such a cut in our intro music? It’s a completely new theme. What kind of theme is this?

Whose theme could it be???

Crowley and Aziraphale, of course. This melody and the fact that it stays in A Major until the very end contain a lot of things they stand for: That they stay true to themselves and their Arrangement. That they share the same “origin key”, but turn it into something that’s solely their own. Their positive nature (we’re in Major, not Minor). But more on that later.

So when do we hear it in the show? The motif does not always play during vital turning points in the plot involving them (I’ve talked a bit about ‘Is That You?’ here), but I think it does play when something changes fundamentally about their relationship. Something personal. I’ve not actually counted all the times the motif is played in the show, but here are some instances as examples:

Crowley’s Lullaby: Sung in C Major, for David’s sake, maybe? Crowley and Aziraphale have thought of this *brilliant* idea to keep the Antichrist normal. They’re actually watching the wrong boy, but they don’t know that, so they’re very enthusiastic about it. but they’re actually being dumbasses Crowley sings to Warlock as “the evil fraction”, but it’s actually part of his and Aziraphale’s mutual plan, and as of right now, everything is going according to that plan.

It’s interesting that a variation of the Main Theme plays when they enter the scene as the Nanny and the Gardener. It’s the “representative tune”. But in that intimate moment, when Crowley is alone with the child he believes to be the Antichrist, he sings our motif, the little new one that sounds so simple and sweet, during the mission that might save his and Aziraphale’s precious Earth.

Before that, we’ve only heard the new theme briefly play when Mr Young names Adam after his birth in the hospital (in the key of C Major) and before Crowley tries calling Aziraphale. You might think that it is out of place here, but remember: The Antichrist is what will drive Crowley and Aziraphale for the next eleven years and make them work together -- even when they first think it’s all about Warlock.

We’re Not Killing Anybody: This is their break-up scene in Episode 3. Now we’ve changed to A Minor (E - C - F). We even get a bit from ‘Holy Water’ in here. But our motif begins when they start their break-up: “This is ridiculous, you are ridiculous”, showing how their relationship is changed by this conversation and by their different ideas about dealing with Armageddon. Showing how their past relationship is coming to a sad end. “It’s over!” Sob.

Bookshop’s ON Fire: An altered version (F - D - B flat - A - D), but it’s there. The motif goes up to B flat before it falls to A and D, showing Crowley’s great emotional distress and the destructive mania he drives himself into. Listen to the choir when he picks up the Nice and Accurate Prophecies, one book as a souvenir, the last thing that connects him to his angel now -- that’s our motif. Sobbb.

Requiem for A Bentley: Even more altered, distorted even (A - G sharp - C - B) --- The Bentley has accompanied them with the greatest loyalty, and their theme is showing here, too, if you listen closely to the strings at the end. The Bentley is gone, that’s how close they are to Armageddon. Everything’s a mess already, how much worse could it get?

End of This Story: We’re back! Well, sort of. Not A Major, but G Major, the key of the Them. One note below A. An only slightly altered version of our motif plays as Aziraphale believes the war is already won, believes that he and Crowley did it. It comes up again when he starts talking about the Beginning and how his husband was a wily old serpent and how he was technically on apple tree duty and---

All Change: They reverse their bodyswap and chatter happily on their bench in St James’s Park. We’re finally back on the old pattern in the key of A Major. After the motif, there’s a nice line cliché down to A [=harmony’s “going down” note by note in a very pleasant way; Queen used those a fair bit, e.g. in ‘Somebody To Love’] and then to E without resolving the tension that comes from this dominant of A Major. It only gets resolved in the piano version of Nightingale later on, which is written in A Major as well.

Okay. So far, so emotional the ugly sobbing. But, especially when watching Ep3, you might be asking yourself: Isn’t the “Lift Home” scene the first time in Crowley’s and Aziraphale’s mutual past when this motif plays?

The answer is yes.

Let’s revisit Episode 3 before the Blitz scene. At the Globe, when Aziraphale looks at Crowley, eyes begging him to make Hamlet a success using a miracle, an E plays quite prominently and you could think it would kick off our little motif. But it doesn’t; it somewhat changes into a sweet little downwards melody, ending in a happy little E Major chord (while showing Aziraphale’s sweet smile) before cutting to Paris. E Major is the dominant to A Major, as written above, and the dominant always means tension. Tension that, to our ears, feels like it needs to be resolved, ideally to the tonic, which in the case of E Major could be either A Minor or A Major. Now we don’t actually get that feeling right away, because the whole phrase is written in E Major, but keep it in mind still.

Because apart from the many times the Main Theme plays (e.g. when Crowley enters the church), I think that’s the closest we get to our little motif: The two of them bickering about their Arrangement and doing each other’s deeds, when suddenly Aziraphale wants Crowley to do something for him. Not for head offices, not for God, not even for poor Shakespeare, but for him. And when Crowley says yes, “my treat”, our angel gives him the most precious smile ever. Urgh.

The motif first plays in its proper form when Crowley hands Aziraphale the books and offers him a “lift home”. This is when Mr Sheen decided that Aziraphale would finally realise his love for Crowley, and the camera and music department support his acting rather strongly in that regard. As for the instruments, I believe it’s a violin playing the melody, with those cute recurring chimes sprinkled on top. The chimes play so often on this soundtrack I’d have to analyse their meaning/symbolism as well, oh God. Back to our scene with Aziraphale staring into the middle distance. Finally he’s on the same level as Crowley, who’s had it bad for 6,000 years already, and maybe Aziraphale even knows. I think that in this scene, Aziraphale not only realises his own love for Crowley, but he also realises that Crowley very much loves him as well, and has loved him for a damn long time already. That’s a big effin turning point for these two.

However, this would mean that the variation we hear in the Blitz is actually the original version of our motif! It’s a quiet tune that sounds like realisation, yearning and loving, and it’s written in A Major. It would mean that the times we hear it later on in the timeline (e.g. the Warlock lullaby or the happy ending) are actually an evolved version of Aziraphale’s love theme from the Blitz.

Let’s take a look at this early motif again:

It goes up to G sharp before falling onto F sharp. This kinda sounds like a sigh, doesn’t it? The second time around, the melody goes to G sharp once more, before falling down to E -- an even more longing sigh in here, a quickened heartbeat in the quavers there... At least that’s what I hear :’) Aziraphale’s heart is practically beating out of his chest here. That’s one brilliant way of musicalising the feeling of falling in love if you ask me. But the best part is that the music also conveys Aziraphale’s confusion about those feelings, his insecurity, because we do not get a resolution. We are in A Major but we end on E Major yet again.

Now, let’s look at the evolved version we hear in the intro once more:

The melody is much more refined by now, it’s steadier, quicker and overall more complete, mainly because we end on an A Major chord. We climb up from our E Major to a high A and the thing finally, finally resolves. Aziraphale and Crowley have come into their own, they are comfortable with their feelings and their mutual love for one another. It’s whimsical, playful and laid-back at the same time. This little motif is about them and them alone, it’s the signifier of their relationship, and it has turned into their Theme. In this regard, the omniscient intro has given us a fully developed theme since Ep1, and it has been evolved from Aziraphale’s little love motif.

So, if you ask me, this melody is as close as we get to a Theme for Crowley and Aziraphale. It’s more joyous than the Mystery Theme (which plays very prominently during their pep talk to Adam), mischievous even, but quiet and solitary when compared to the pompous Main Theme. It also lends itself to more serious tones when shifted in key, as seen above. But most important of all, it gives us a resolution after Aziraphale’s confusion in Ep3. Now we have a happy ending in fucking A Major, the key that is said to sound the most emotional, bright, proud and joyous; the key that closes the series with ‘A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square’.

Bach, famously one of the demons’ composers, once said that “the glorious heights of the light of A Major have only seldomly been really reached” by other keys in music. If that isn’t worth a Hallelujah then I don’t know what is;;

Thank you for reading!

[creaturedom]

Miscalculation (Part 2)

Hope you guys enjoy this as much as part one, cause it was just as fun to write~. Please remember to not reblog this outside of sneeze blogs and enjoy!

[Part One]

“What’s this now?”

“Please, it’s an emergency, you have to come quickly! I— I can’t explain much more than that, but please hurry over!”

That’s about as far as the conversation went today. Crowley was in the middle of a talk with his plants when he received a call from Aziraphale, all out of breath and more panicked than usual. As far as the demon could remember he was off at the Young’s home, but there shouldn’t have been any issues over there of all places.

“Bahh...” He leaned in real close to a quivering Ficus, his face contorting to into a snarl as hissed “Don’t think this the end of this conversation, nor have I forgotten your treason,” The others shook faster as his head snapped in their direction “AND INSPECTION’S NOT OVER FOR YOU LOT NEITHER!” Then, in a flash, the demon was gone. And in the Ficus’ pot, one more leaf fluttered down and lay beside its one fallen brother.

Now, Crowley had learned to take these “emergencies” a bit more seriously since the end of the world nonsense. Normally he would have loved a ride to the countryside, speeding in his beloved Bentley, but Aziraphale’s tone made him put that desire aside. Didn’t mean he didn’t have the right to be a tad wary of just how urgent this emergency seemed to be though. He appeared in the townsquare of Tadfield, both hands laying idol in his pockets as he looked around, eyebrows raised and lips puckered as if to ask ‘Where’s the fuss?’ But, there was nothing. People walking their dogs, little butterflies in the air, children giggling... Just as overbearingly perfect as Crowley could remember. That being said he took this time to take a stroll to Adam’s home, not necessarily angry with the angel, but a little bitter at the very least for the fast commute.

Didn’t take long to reach the overgrown home, Crowley squinting up at the doorway from the safety of the front gate to see the old scorched horseshoe still hanging proudly. “You’d think they’d take the damn thing down by now..” He muttered before cupping both hands at the sides of his mouth “Angel! M’here!” There was a distinct clatter from inside and it took a minute before he saw that familiar face. Or, rather, part of it.

It seemed he wrapped a white bandana around the lower half of his face, eyes a bit puffy as if he were crying, and he didn’t look quite as composed as usual. He still lit up though as the demon held out his arms out at his sides and raised his eyebrows “So? Where’s the fire, Angel?”

“Y-Yes- right this way-!” Aziraphale ducked into the house, about a minute of silence passing before he poked his head out again “Crowley..?” The demon couldn’t do much more than gesture to the horseshoe, shrugging his shoulders “Oh come now, isn’t that just for lower level evil? Please I...” He paused to scrub his eyes, but it didn’t seem like he was sobbing his eyes out “I really need your help in here!”

“Okay one, I think you missed the gangster trend by a couple decades, and two: that’s for all evil. I don’t make the rules, and the one kid who sometimes does is unfortunately unavailable, so unless you just tell me or bring it here...” He couldn’t help but smirk at the little frustrated crinkle of the angel’s nose under the thick bandana, and the small stamp of his foot. There was something so charming about him losing his temper, albeit in short bursts such as this. Nevertheless Aziraphale ducked into the home once more and eventually came out with Dog, who he did his best to hold at arms length out in front of him.

Crowley tilted his head at this as his mouth hung slightly open with a scowl. As far as he knew Aziraphale loved dogs, and didn’t seem to be bothered by this particular one before, so this whole thing was quite odd. When he was safely beyond the gate Aziraphale attempted to shove him at Crowley, who jumped but managed to hold out a hand to stop it “No, no way, I don’t want it’s hair on my suit.”

“Crowley please, just take him!”

“What’s your deal, I’m not holding the damn hellhound, you hold em!”

“I can’t- I—I neehhhhd t—to—!” His eyes were fluttering again as a few ragged breaths escaped. He wasn’t thinking clearly as he instinctively tucked Dog closer to his chest and turned his head to the side, a couple tears shedding with one more sharp gasp “HhIH’TSCHhhuu! Hah’tSCHhhu! Hih.. Hih...! G’TSCHXX!” Crowley blinked in surprise at the display, even winced at just how harsh and wet they sounded.

“Uh... Compromise..?” He managed to pluck Dog from Aziraphale’s grasp as two more painful sneezes tumbled out and placed him at their feet, clicking his tongue as an order for the hellhound to follow while the demon began leading the angel away from the house. He made sure to wrap an arm around the others shoulders while he grasped Aziraphale’s left shoulder to sort of brace him as they walked to a nearby bench. Crowley waited patiently for the next waist bending sneeze to strike before guiding the other to sit beside him. Only trouble was it seemed the hellhound insisted on sitting right between them, and worse still against the angel. The demon tried to command Dog to stay down, but after a few tries it seemed this wasn’t going to happen. “The fuck is with him?”

“Guhh, he’s followidg orders...” Aziraphale rasped, taking a moment to take off the bandana and blow his nose with a terrible gurgle. He sounded so stuffed up, and Crowley couldn’t recall the last time he’d seen him such a mess. The usual arm draped behind the back of the bench came up to rub Aziraphale’s back a bit more tenderly than usual until he was ready to speak “Adam commanded that he be good and stay as close to me as possible until he returned. And at first it was rather endearing, and he truly is a wonderful little dog, but s-soon I- hiiih- I-I came out like- like-!” He took in a few sharp gasps but right before the tickle could hit full force the demon had reached over and pinched his nose shut. It wasn’t the best feeling to lose such a big sneeze, but the angel shuttered with a sigh of relief and looked over to Crowley with a pitiful look in his red eyes.

“Like Rudolph, I get it.” He did smile at the other though when he pulled his hand back he wiped it on Aziraphale’s coat, which earned an exasperated sigh. “Oof, that is rough, isn’t it? I always figured the higher ups would do you in before anyone down here, but..”

“Crowley, be serious! I don’t know what to do, I’ve been like th... Nghh, this for hours, it won’t stop! I don’t understand, I’ve always been wonderful with dogs, they love me as much as I love them.”

“Buuut, this isn’t a dog.”

“I beg your pardon?” Crowley smiled and brought his hand up to brush a few curls back on Aziraphale’s head “Dog is only named after your favorite little things. He’s still a hellhound, bred in the very depths of hell where yours truly had to be, and therefore..”

“Th... Therefore..?”

“... Really? Nothing?” He sighed and crossed his legs “Aziraphale, think of the stupid phrase: Dog is just God spelled backwards. A dog is the creation of the big Miss upstairs, but a hellhound is made specifically by the devil himself... It makes sense that a regular dog wouldn’t cause all this to happen, but this unfortunately isn’t part of your lot.” This prompted him to at least pat Dog on the head, an amused smile painting his lips “Nooo no, he’s from my lot, no matter how good he’s become. That being said, we can conclude that..?” He looked over expectantly, only to find Aziraphale’s attention was snapped away.

He was just sitting there gasping, the bandana in hand and waiting for him to shove his bright red nose into it. It seemed no matter how wide his nostrils flared and how big a breath he sucked in that his face was stuck in a contorted state, and the sneeze would not break the surface. Crowley hated to see the other in such a state, but there was only one thing he could think to do to help “Sorry, Angel..” He leaned in to place a kiss on Aziraphale’s cheek before quickly snatching Dog and shoving him into the angel’s face. Both of them to let out a yelp of surprise, but Crowley kept the hellhound there until he saw the angel’s head bob back, mouth wide and nose scrunched tight, and yanked Dog out of the way just in time for Aziraphale to bury his face fully into the thick cloth.

“Hih’ptschh- hihtschh- dtSCHH- Huh’PTSCHH-!” Crowley wrapped both arms around him as he managed to take one shaken breath “G’TSSCHhhhh! Hah’tTSCHHhh! I-I can’t-dTSCchh! Can’t stohihHTSCHHHhh!” At least by now Dog had jumped off the bench, but Crowley stayed right where he was. He grimaced as sneeze after sneeze tumbled out, each time shaking his frame and tearing through his throat. He wasn’t sure how long the fit had managed to last, and truth be told it didn’t matter to Crowley. All he knew was that it took far too long to stop, and by the end of it Aziraphale was hanging limp in his arms.

Comfort really wasn’t his forte, but he held the other close, meeting each lingering hitching of breath with a stroke of that soft curly hair and insisting that he take his time to get it together. Eventually he managed to regain enough energy to blow his nose again and sit up, albeit quite unsteadily, and let his head hang back as he felt some breath return to his lungs “Oooh... Crowley, what am I going to do...?”

“Abandon it, come back to my place?” Aziraphale shot him a weary look “I’m serious! You’re allergic to the damn thing, how are you gonna take care of it if you end up like this each time, huh?” There was a pause between them, Aziraphale’s eyes shifting to that of a pleading look “... No- no no noo, no way, I refuse.”

“Crowley please...” he brought the bandana higher to cover a small cough and leaned against the demon’s chest. He could see the pink hue start to caress Crowley’s cheeks, and Aziraphale couldn’t help trying to nestle closer as exhaustion took hold. “I don’t know what to do, I promised he’d be safe in my care, I can’t hiih... Can’t let Adam down..” Again, a pause between the two. Crowley really, really hated being put into such a position, and so easily at that. His leg bounced in place a moment before his eyebrows raised once more and he patted the angel’s shoulder. “... Comprise, Angel.”

“What..?” He looked up blearily as the hiss of breaks caught his attention, rubbing his eyes with a dryer half of the bandana until he saw the words ‘London’ colorfully illuminated on a bus sign.

“Compromise.”

[Part Three]

[femvimes]

One of the central messages of Good Omens is that you can refuse destiny and be better than you ought to be. Adam saves the world by rejecting his power as the Antichrist, and Crowley and Aziraphales’ character arcs are all about being neither irredeemably evil or puritanically good, but something in between (human) that’s better. And get this – that’s one of the most important character themes Terry Pratchett wrote. Nearly all the main characters of the Discworld have rejected their destiny that was handed to them in some way.

Sam Vimes (my dad, my boy, my beloved) has something him that he calls the Beast. It’s the worst, violent side of him that rears its head when he wants to hurt the vilest criminals. But those criminals may be in his custody, and he’s a policeman, so he can’t hurt them. He keeps his beast on a chain. He rejects, too, his own past: alcoholic, cowardly captain of the Watch who was raised among the poorest of the poor and grew up being rained on face-down in the gutter. He becomes the second-most powerful man in the city, a devoted husband, and loving father. He wasn’t ever supposed to do this. But he did. He had help, from Vetinari, from Sybil, from Carrot, but the most important decisions he made was when he put aside the Beast and did what was right.

Granny Weatherwax, when she meets her sister in Witches Abroad, tells her that “I was supposed to be the bad one”. Her sister Lilith, who has been trying to be a Fairy Godmother (and is terrifyingly good at it) is evil, leaving Granny Weatherwax to be the good witch. And that? Is something that Esmerelda Weatherwax is not very good at. I’m reminded of another fictional witch, from Into the Woods, saying “I’m not good, I’m not nice, I’m just right”. Esme Weatherwax will save the world, not because she wants to, but out of spite. Because it’s her world, dammit, and no one else is looking after it. Her inheritance was to be the bad witch. The most famous wicked witch was her great-umpteenth grandmother. Yet she’s the most powerful force for good in the mountains. She’s not nice. But she’ll do what’s needed.

Tiffany Aching (SHE, the BABE) wants to be a witch more than anything. She doesn’t necessarily have natural magical talent. What she does have is an incredible work ethic, and a sense of responsibility and duty a mile wide. Granny Weatherwax tells her in I Shall Wear Midnight that she wasn’t supposed to be a witch, she was supposed to be a good cheesemaker, but she wanted to be a witch so badly that she convinces the world to make her one. Tiffany isn’t very good at the normal magic that other witches can do. She has some tricks up her sleeve that you might not necessarily call magic, just that—tricks. Magic isn’t the most important part of being a witch, which Tiffany understands much quicker than her peers. The most important parts are knowing people, and working hard. That’s why she and Granny Weatherwax understand each other so well: they’re both incredibly powerful while defying conventions of witchcraft.

Susan, when we first meet her, barely believes in magic. She lives on the Discworld, her grandfather is Death, and yet she doesn’t believe in magic. She’s basically the Heir to Death. And what does she do? Lies low by becoming a governess, and then a kindergarten teacher, because that’s what she wants. She uses her powers to save the world. But she’s annoyed about it every time.

Rincewind has all these prophecies about him, which he hates. He literally runs away from most of them. He’ll end up saving the day, under extreme duress. His problem is that he knows who he is, he’s just waiting for the rest of the world to figure it out. He wants to be left in peace, but pesky Destiny chases him across the Disc and back, trying to get him to save the world. He self-actualizes as early as the end of Sourcery. He tells Coin, who has up to this point been a villain, but is actually just a scared ten-year-old: “It's vital to remember who you really are. It's very important. It isn't a good idea to rely on other people or things to do it for you, you see. They always get it wrong.” And for the Discworld books, “who you really are” isn’t what people think you should be, it’s what you’ve made yourself into.

And then Carrot! Who rejects his capital-D Destiny as the King of Ankh-Morpork to be just an ordinary captain of the Watch, doing good where he can, and when he’s not doing good, learning how to become better. In most other series, the “rightful king” just…becomes king, usually after a big battle. Carrot doesn’t because Ankh-Morpork doesn’t need a king. It needs stability and space for clever people like Vimes and Moist and the Dearhearts and Mr. Pony to develop the city into something that works. He’s perhaps the most literal rejecter-of-Destiny that I can think of.

All these characters exist, on the surface level, because Discworld is satire, and satire is about subverting tropes and expectations. When you dig down, though, we see characters rejecting the easy thing to do in order to do the right thing. Like in Good Omens. It would just be easier for Crowley and Aziraphale to be straight up-and-down angel and demon, but they’re not. One of the most powerful moments in Good Omens upon rewatch, at least for me, is Adam on the cricket field. He rejects the powers of the Antichrist coming over him, through sheer force of will, because he wants to be a normal boy and have his friends back. It would have been easy for him to just give in, but he refuses. Like many characters that Terry Pratchett wrote, he is imperfect, but always striving to be better.