#this is the layer of her character i’m not seeing people get and it’s sad

[purgatorily]

everybody seems to comprehend tashi loving tennis the most which is good BUT. i don’t see anyone getting that tashi also loves THROUGH tennis. it’s how she connects to people. when she tries to coach patrick in college she’s not condescending to him, she’s reaching out. and yes, she coaches art to play through him, but their marriage lasts because she’s able to shape her relationship through the language she knows best. it’s the ultimate form of connection and understanding to her, and it hurts her when the people she loves reject her form of reciprocating that love. words will never be enough for her—she wants to play.

[crazyk-imagine]

Misunderstandings and New Found Love

Pairing: Paul Lahote x Hybrid!reader

Characters: Sam Uley, Hybrid!reader, Emily Young, Edward Cullen, Rosalie Hale, Esme Cullen, Carlisle Cullen, Victoria, Jared Cameron, Paul Lahote, Leah Clearwater, Seth Clearwater, Jacob Black, Embry Call, Quil Ateara V, Bella Swan (briefly mentioned)

Warnings: The science in here makes total sense, angst, fluff, happy ending, the ending might be quick but there's time skips people, characters might be ooc but idc, twilight tings, Sam and Emily being iconic, cursing, reader uses last name when they're mad, Jared's the comedic relief, Paul and reader have a past

Word Count: 4,800

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You look up, ready to help the most recent customer who walked in; only to find the one person you didn’t. You hold back the urge to roll your eyes. “How can I help you, sir?”

“I’m not here to ask.”

“Then why are you here,” you hiss at him.

"I'm just... checking on you.”

“Checking on me? Did you check on me when my dad died or when my mom left and died in the accident because as I recall, Uley, you didn’t. So, I’m going to kindly ask that you get whatever you need and leave.”

“Have we really come to this?”

“Yes,” you nod, grabbing the next order and setting it in front of one of your regulars before walking back to him. “Ever since you all… changed, things have been tense."

"Why are you here?”

“You know why.”

“No one-"

“You have no idea what anyone thinks or the looks they give me.” You take a deep breath, trying not to let him know how much it affects you. “I just- I want it to stop. I’m tired of them all staring at me like I’m a monster. As if this isn’t enough,” you mumble the last part under your breath.

His shoulders sag, not realizing anything that’s going on in your life. “You should come by the res tomorrow.”

Before you can try and argue with him as he rearranges the bags so he can have a better grip on them.

“No one but Em and I will be there.”

“They’re going to know I was there.”

“They won’t know it was you specifically and besides, I’m their alpha.”

“Way to use your title for your own gain.”

“It got you to smile. Thanks for the food.”

-

You shake your head, knowing it’s a bad idea even though you’re sitting in their makeshift driveway.

Sam’s warmth emanates through the door. “You coming in?”

“You gonna put on a shirt.”

“I will if you come in.”

“That sounds like blackmail.”

“Just-”

“Sam, quit standing in front of her door. She can’t get out if you’re just standing there.”

“Yeah, Sam.”

He narrows his eyes and steps back. “You really want to make fun of the alpha?”

“Yeah, I really do.”

“Alright, you two.”

You snicker when the man beside you lowers his head, looking like a sad puppy.

“It’s nice to see you again. How are you?”

You shrug, officially feeling more awkward than ever.

“You can talk to us, you know. We always cared about you.”

“That’s nice of you to say, Emily. But I don’t think anyone in town would agree with you.”

“Good thing I’m not like everyone else.”

You lower your head as the scent of one of her infamous muffins hits your sensitive nose.

“I’m sure you’re hungry after being up for a while.”

You shrug.

“So, what brings you here?”

“Your heater came into the diner, again and basically begged me to come over.”

Sam rolls his eyes. “You’re one to talk.”

“Why do you think I’m in layers?”

“A sign of self-torture.”

“Sam-”

“I can’t pretend that they’re not hiding themselves from the world after everything that’s happened.”

“Thanks for never changing and I’ll take that as my cue to leave.” You move to get off the stool.

“No, you’re not. Sam, stop bringing up things they’re not ready to talk about.”

“Fine.”

She hands you a mug of hot cocoa, knowing it’s your favorite to have around the holidays.

“What… do you guys know?” You tap the rim of the mug, watching the steam disappear.

“Only that you shifted,” he answers after the couple share a look with one another.

“Everyone thinks I shifted in the car, right?”

“Not everyone.”

“What do you think happened?” You ask, lifting your head.

"A cold one was nearby.”

You nod, “yeah. She,” you shake your head, feeling your body start to shake.

"You don’t have to talk about it.”

You give her a soft smile.

“She decided to leave because it was too much and left me a note, not even bothering to apologize and it- it pissed me off. I shifted and then ran after her, only to find one of them going after her and… took care of it.”

“You weren’t in the car?”

You shake your head, wiping your cheeks. "No."

"Why does everyone think you were?”

“I pulled her out and-” You cover your face.

“Do you remember who it was?”

“It was some redhead, I think. She definitely wasn’t happy with me.”

“What do you mean?”

You shrug, not wanting to worry them.

After talking for a few hours, you know it’s time to leave.

“What? No," Emily whines.

"Em, they don’t like me, and I’d rather not be glared at while you try and take care of everyone.”

“I still don’t want you to leave.”

“I do.” You grab your stuff and grab your bag before pausing. “Thank you for listening.”

“Always,” the woman smiles. “We’ll see you again, okay.”

-

You kept in touch but didn’t go back to their home for a while, not until you were dragged back by Sam but we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves.

-

You knew what was happening and watched from a distance, never letting the cold ones or the other wolves know of your presence.

The alpha was the only one who knew you were there.

You didn’t tell him you’d be nearby in case they needed an extra body because they thought you were a murderer.

A couple of the newborns sneaked into the woods to try and escape but never got far enough with you there.

Body parts were flying around so no one questioned anything when more came their way.

Then you turned around and noticed one of them aiming for Leah, before Jake could even try to intervene, you did; barely batting an eye when they stared in your direction.

You shoved her out of the way and took care of the newborn before anyone could get hurt, shocking everyone but Sam, who grabbed your arm and pulled you to the side. “What was that?”

“I saved someone from your pack before they could get hurt, what’s it look like?”

“Don’t take that attitude with me.”

“Try and control me, watch what happens.”

He growls your name.

“I needed this.”

The mind reader is beside you two, trying to calm everyone down. “She’s the reason, isn’t she?”

You glance at him from the corner of your eye. “Yeah, so this felt like I could save someone and get my own revenge.”

“She, did it?”

You scoff, snatching your arm out of his grasp. “Don’t act like you didn’t know. You knew the moment I told you.”

He tries to defend himself but you’re not having any of it. “I ask one thing of you, vegetarian.”

He raises his brow.

“I lite her.” You pull up your sleeve, he notices the bite on your arm but doesn’t comment on it (yet).

You take the torch from the blonde and stare into the red head’s eyes for a second, “hopefully you’re not tortured too bad in hell.”

You glance at the other cold ones and raise a brow. “If you guys die, you’re definitely not going where that bitch is. You know better and have worked on redeeming yourselves.”

They glance at one another, not expecting you to hear that.

You rip your sleeves and make a quick wrap for the human. “Wrap this around your arm, it should help until you can get the proper bandaging."

She blinks owlishly, “oh- uh- thanks?”

“Don’t mention it.”

-

“Who do you think you are?” She gets in your face.

“You better move before you do something you’re going to regret, Leah.”

“Oh, yeah. That’s rich coming from the murderer.”

You scoff through your nose and grab her by the collar of her shirt, her eyes widen not expecting this to get physical but doesn’t back down. “Say that again when I’m the one who saved your ass. You have no idea what happened that day, so you need to shut your mouth.”

Sam stands behind you, waiting to see what happens because he knows that you know better than to fight someone.

“Keep your pack in check, Uley.”

“Where are you going?”

“Somewhere I won’t get pissed off.”

-

You start to head into the woods when the mind reader stands in front of you.

“Did she do that?”

You don’t need to look down to figure out what he’s talking about. “That’s why neither you nor the others can smell me. I hide it.”

“They don’t know, do they?”

“Not about this, only Sam and his girl know about the red head's involvement. I only shared so you’d know.”

“That was kind of you to share even when you didn’t need to.”

“Yeah, I get it. I’m frickin’ amazing, can I go now?”

He steps aside. “You should stay with them.”

“How can I do that when they don’t trust me?”

“Make them.”

“It’s not easy, Cullen.”

“If you can do it with their alpha, you can tell the others.”

You roll your eyes, “get your girl checked out before she gets an infection.”

He heads back over towards Bella.

-

“Did you see her arms?” The human asks.

He nods. “They don’t know.”

“Know what?”

“Of Victoria’s involvement in the worst day of her life.”

Esme and Jasper’s shoulders sag, unable to imagine what you went through.

“And it’s still alive?” Rosalie chimes in.

“She'll become hybrid.”

The Cullens raise their brows.

-

Sam orders everyone to go back to Emily’s and hopes you do the same after seeing your arms.

You roll your eyes and answer his call. “Unavailable, please leave a message after I hang up."

“Cute, get to Emily’s.”

“You can’t make me.”

You can hear the couple arguing over who should be the one to talk to you.

“Please come over. We have a lot to talk about.”

You sigh, “do they still think I did it?"

"You can change their minds.”

“That’s so much work,” you groan.

“Please. I haven’t seen you in a few weeks and I know you barely know your way around a kitchen.”

“I’m better than you think.”

-

You stand on the porch, knowing it's going to be hell the moment you step inside.

“You’re going to put a hole in their porch the longer you stay out there,” Paul jokes, earning a chuckle from almost all of his pack mates.

You open the door and ignore their gazes as Emily pulls you into a hug.

“I’m glad you’re okay.” She pulls back and checks over your eyes stopping on your arms. Her worried eyes land on your face. “Did she-”

You glance at the pack from the corner of your eye, sensing their stares.

Sam stands beside you, placing a hand on your back as he shares a stare with his fiancée. “Sit down with the others while I finish up dinner.”

He guides you to sit but the uncomfortableness emanating from them makes you aim for the couch. "You're sitting at the table.”

“Sam-”

“A pack sits together.”

Paul and Jared scoff. “As if they’re part of the pack. Not after what happened,” the former says.

You tense up, closing your eyes so as to not lose your cool.

“Don’t talk about it,” Emily tells them.

“How are we supposed to ignore the fact-”

You growl, eyes changing colors; you can’t turn around. “Ignore the fact that my mother died, and I almost did, at the hands of that red headed bitch no less.”

Emily says your name.

“Sorry, Em. I know cursing is basically forbidden in here but that was me being nice.”

You push yourself off the couch. “This was a bad idea.” You try to pass the pack when one of them sticks their foot out, you kick it with too much strength, irking the hot head.

You open the door and nearly fall, the doorway being the only reason you’re still standing.

“Hey, hey,” Sam started freaking out. “What’s going on?”

You run towards the railing and throw up.

“Why is it- are throwing up-” He stops himself when he sees the color. “What did you do?”

“I’m dying lone wolf. What does it look like?”

“I told you-”

“They hate me. It was never going to happen.”

He picks you up and brings you back inside. “Call Carlisle and ask him what we can do?”

Paul makes another snide comment and you’re losing it.

You get away from the alpha and grab the wolf’s shoulders, shoving him into the wall, not at all making eye contact with him until you hold him in place, with the black bile dripping down your chin.

“Listen here, Lahote and listen well. I will not take any more of your smartass comments. I am still a person with the same issues as yours just a little extra, but your comments stop now. I am tired of everyone thinking I did it. You want to know what happened. That red head came into town and my mom decided enough was enough, she packed a bag and was getting ready to leave. I shifted, found her about to eat my mom and wound-up getting bit only to find that she did go for my mom and held her till her last breath. Then as they hauled her away, I found the scars and realized what happened. Someone spread some rumors and here we are. You want to say anything else?”

He shakes his head, letting out a deep breath.

"Holy shit!" Jared says as soon as your body sways.

Leah, the closest to you, grabs you before you could fall. "We need to take her to a hospital."

"She won't go but maybe the imprint will help?"

"Holy shit!"

"Shut up, Jared," Embry takes initiative and reaches over to punch his pack brother's shoulder. "Shut up man. You're not helping."

The one who can't stop repeating himself rolls his eyes. "You can't tell me I'm the only ones whose mind was blown with everything we just learned."

"You're not but you can shut up."

"Take her to the guest room while I call-"

"No!" Paul stays where he is, debating on leaving now so as not to hurt you anymore than he already has.

The sight of his imprint half dead in Leah's arms and the jokes he made while trying to trip you make him realize he's an even bigger idiot than he thought. "Don't call the leech doctor."

"What are we supposed to do? Let them slowly die when we know there's someone who could have saved them?"

The hot head wants to growl at his alpha but doesn't because he doesn't want to lose it faster than he wants, he's having a hard time trying to calm himself as it is.

"He's here."

Carlisle smiles, "Alice had a vision and sent me over as soon as she could."

"We appreciate it."

"What's going on with our patient?"

Everyone tells them what they know and have seen.

"I see. There is a likely possibility that the venom is working through their system and hasn't quite mixed yet."

"What does that mean? They have to die in order to live?" Paul chimes in.

"It may also have to do with the fact that they haven't shifted as often as you and are not part of a pack. Lone shifters have a hard enough time trying to survive on their own but mixing in the venom, is well-"

"A death sentence just waiting to happen," Sam finishes for him.

The doctor doesn’t want to tell him he's right and knows his silence is enough.

"Is there anything we can do?"

"Continue to make sure they are comfortable and let nature heal them."

"So, your solution is to let them die?!"

"Get him out of here," Sam orders Jared, Embry, Leah, and Quil.

They drag him out so the two can continue their conversation.

-

"I know you just imprinted but you need to calm down, dude," Jared tells him.

Paul continues to shake, unsure of anything he's feeling right now.

On the one hand he has someone to love and protect but on the other hand, he has to try even harder to control himself otherwise he's going to lose it.

He's also upset because he was acting like such a dick to his imprint and even though he never thought he'd find them; he definitely didn't want this to be his first impression. "How am I supposed to calm down when everyone's solution is to let them die?"

With Jared blocking his way in, he can easily get in his face.

"How would you feel if this was happening with Kim, huh? Tell me that."

His friend's face hardens, "don't talk about her."

"Then don't try and talk about mine like you know something."

They stare at each other, their chests heaving with each heavy breath they take.

"Great, now that we've had our macho match, can we go for a run? As much as I want to make it up to them, I don't want to be here any longer when we can't apologize," Embry interrupts.

The two shake their heads and head into the woods so they can phase and be free to run wherever they want.

-

"How can we help them?" Sam asks the doctor.

"I'm going to be honest with you, Sam. This is a little out of my jurisdiction, but I will do all that I can to help anyway, I can."

The alpha nods, "I appreciate it."

"I believe now their transition will be complete within the next few days."

"What brought this on?"

"It was only a matter of time before it hit, and I think the adrenaline and stress of the battle speeded things up." He glances back at the alpha who stares at your body with much concern. "May I ask, how close you are to the lone shifter?"

"Before everything happened, we were close. I always thought of them as my younger sibling but then everything happened, and I stopped talking to them because I was concerned for their safety and didn't want to hurt them."

The doctor can tell by the look on the shifter’s face that he's still disappointed in himself. "You did all you could and allowing my assistance is more than they could ask for."

"How long will it take?"

"My guess is, they'll be ready by tomorrow."

"So soon?"

"Their shifter DNA is altering the venom and their genetics. Now that they're resting, they've been able to heal themselves."

He notices the expression on Sam's face. "Let's give them privacy. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day."

-

Emily and Sam hug one another, unsure of what to think; they never wanted this for you, and they feel terrible because they can't help you.

"The boys should be back soon, yeah?"

He nods. "Hopefully Paul's calmed down."

"I think this is going to be a hard time for him."

"Yeah, I know," the alpha sighs.

The boys and Leah make it back to their home and sit at the table. "What are we going to do?"

"We have to wait."

"Did you two know?" Leah asks.

"They told us what happened, but we didn't know she bit her," Sam tells her. "We knew they were hiding something, but we didn't expect this."

"You should have told us," Paul grumbles while snacking on a muffin.

"You didn't even like them until you imprinted," Jake points out.

"I'm not the one on trial here."

The young wolf scoffs, "you should be."

The hot head stands up, pushing the chair back. "You want to take this outside?"

"Maybe I do."

"Alright, you two, that's enough."

They back down at the voice of the alpha, although it takes Jake a few more seconds before he sits down where he was. "You two need to stop it. We've got enough to deal with right now."

After an hour, most of the pack leaves; some to do their patrol shift, others to spend time with their family.

"Do you want to stay in the room with them?" Emily asks, noticing the longing he directs at the door.

He doesn't want to say it out loud and nods.

"I'll tell Sam when he gets back, you can go in but be careful, okay?"

"Do you think they'll forgive me?"

She nods, remembering her and Sam's minor falling out after his episode. "It'll take time."

He sighs and the door inches open, he hesitates to move.

The sight of you almost lifeless and thinking he hates you, kills him.

Why didn’t anyone tell them they’d get so sappy?

He doesn’t know whether he likes it or not as he takes a seat by the bed. His eyes trail over your face, taking in every inch of you.

If he was the artsy type, he’d definitely paint you. He doesn’t know when he fell asleep but waking up to the sun rising was annoying, just because he was one with nature doesn’t mean he needs it to be his alarm clock.

He rubs his eyes, trying to remember everything that happened last night and glances down at you.

You moved in your sleep, the hand practically reaching for him, warms his heart.

He grabs it, wanting you to be comfortable and not wake up with achy joints.

Your eyes move and he doesn’t realize it. It’s hard to open your eyes but you manage to do it, only to find the hothead holding your hand.

You freeze and his eyes trail up your arm, staring into yours.

“You like me now?” Your voice cracks after not having used it in a while.

He shakes his head and reaches for the glass Emily left, inching closer and closer to your face.

You grab it from him after pushing yourself up, back resting against the headboard. “What happened?”

“You died.”

You blink your eyes rapidly, trying to understand what he just said. “I’m sorry?”

“The venom from the bite was killing you and the fact that you barely shift… didn’t help.”

“So, now I’m both?”

“I think so.”

You set the cup down and push sheets off your heating body.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“Leaving,” you grumble.

He pushes himself out of the chair and grabs your wrists, stopping you. “No, you’re not.”

“You don’t own me.”

“The imprint bond says otherwise.”

You snatch your wrists out of his grasp, “no, the bond is basically saying we’re soulmates and you don’t own me.”

You make it out of the door and into the hallway before it clicks. “We’re imprints?!”

“I think they’re awake,” Jared comments and shoves a piece of bacon into his mouth.

Embry smacks the back of his head.

“No, no, no.” You stand before the woman you go to for everything. “Tell me it’s not true.”

The corners of her lips twitch.

You snatch a sausage and munch on it. “This is not right.”

“Thanks, sweetheart. I feel the love.”

You purse your lips and glare at him. “You’re the one that was being a dick yesterday and now because of the bond, you want to be my prince charming.”

“I never said that.”

“You’re acting like it.” You sit on the couch before any of them realize where you are going. Your head plops against the back of the couch. “Why am I so damn emotional?”

A warm hand rests against your knee; you lift your head and find those damn attractive eyes that have always captivated you. “You went through a big change which has altered a part of you.”

“I didn’t want this,” you sniff.

He nods, “I know but w- you’re going to get through it.”

“You weren’t nearly half as nice as this before you shifted.”

“Sweetheart, I was nicer to you than most people.”

“It’s true,” Jared and Quil chime in.

“No one asked you two.”

They stare at you with wide eyes and raised brows as if this had proven their point.

“If you’ll let me, I’ll be there for you.”

You stare at him, gulping at his words. “How do I know you mean that, and you aren’t just saying that, so I don’t eat half the town?”

“We,” he clears his throat. “We came up with an alternative if you wound up being more of a leech- cold one, more of a cold one.”

“Am I going to eat a bunny?”

“Or a squirrel,” Jared jokes, earning no amused faces in return. “You all need a new sense of humor,” he mumbles, crossing his arms.

“How do you feel?” Sam asks.

“Like I’m on an emotional roller coaster.”

“Are you hungry?”

“I’m always hungry for Em’s food.”

Paul guides you to the table so you all can eat.

“Should we call the doc?” Embry wonders out loud.

“Don’t need to,” your imprint grumbles.

You run to the door, opening it. “I smell bunny.”

He chuckles, “it was the only thing we had.”

“Do I have to?”

“It will help with the urges.”

“There’s only one urge I have, and I don’t like it.”

“What?” Seth asks.

“Nobody tell him,” says Quil.

“Come on, don’t be like that.”

“I think it would be wise if you took this. We don’t know the severity of your condition yet.”

“I’m fine. Just trying to wrap my head around the fact that no one hates me.”

“We’re totally sorry, by the way,” Embry adds. “Ow!”

“Not my fault, man,” Jared raises his hands.

The two start to brawl, leaving Sam to try and stop it while Carlisle talks to you and Paul, explaining how you should be careful and thanking you for your assistance.

-

“I know I was a jerk to you but,” he glances over to Emily and Sam. “Would you ever consider accepting my apology and going out with me?”

“Give me a few days to adjust and then if I think I’m well enough, ask me again.”

“Hey, man. It wasn’t a no, alright,” Seth holds his hand up for a high five.

The hothead shoves the kid to the side, following you so he can sit in the open chair to your left.

Emily pours you a drink and sits down so you all can eat.

-

A few days later and you’re feeling better, still adjusting to everyone’s new attitude towards you.

You stick with more human meals than the animal blood the Cullen’s shared with you, not wanting to rely on it.

Things with Paul are still interesting.

He’s slowly worming his way back into your heart. “You want to go on patrol with me?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be with Quil?”

“He wanted to switch.”

You stare at him with a deadpan expression. “Did you threaten him?”

He raises his hands. “I did nothing.”

“Sure, you did,” you chuckle. “Come on,” you call out.

“Where are you going?”

“We have to patrol.”

He stares at your bare back. “This reminds me of when I first took you out.”

“You barely asked me out and then kept me in your backseat after school.”

“I wanted you to stay warm.”

“Oh, is that what they call it?” You ask with mischief in your eyes.

He nods, pulling you back into him by your waist; his chin resting on your shoulder. “I actually kept you there so no one else would see you.”

“Wha-”

“Didn’t want them seeing the hottie in my car and think they could get with you.”

“What a gentleman,” you tell him with a dry tone.

He shrugs, chuckling under his breath, “I try.”

“Are you serious?”

“About what?”

You run behind a tree and shift, waiting for him to catch up; it doesn’t take him long.

“About what?”

“Not wanting anyone to ask me out.”

“Why would I lie about that?”

“To get in my pants?”

“I was already getting with you.”

“I wouldn’t be so cocky. You’re still in the early stages of this relationship.”

“So, we’re in a relationship?”

“I never said that.”

He nudges you with his snout. “You did, don’t deny it.”

“I’m denying nothing. You need your hearing checked.”

“I think I heard you just fine.”

-

You roll your eyes and speed up, racing to meet the others; you meet Leah, Embry, and Jared.

The two former run to you and tackle you, playing around with you while Jared goes for Paul.

All of you run back to Emily’s when Sam calls you all back.

The air flowing through your fur is amazing, not to mention the fact that you’re getting to know your imprint, slowly but surely falling for him. 

[soobrat]

fuck up my life; hjs

milestone celebration masterlist

˗ˏˋ🎧´ˎ˗ pairing; han jisung x afab!reader

˗ˏˋ🎧´ˎ˗ words; 14.8k

˗ˏˋ🎧´ˎ˗ genre; angst, smut, fluff

˗ˏˋ🎧´ˎ˗ warnings; descriptions of pain inflicted by extreme cold, SLOOOOW burn, mentions of extramarital affairs, cunnilingus, PIV, passionate sex, multiple reader orgasms, unprotected sex (leave me alone)

↻ ◁ || ▷ : Two things: my insistence on using Loona members means there is a character named Hyunjin in a skz fic who isn't skz Hyunjin. I was going to change it but I feel like it's not that hard. She's a girl, she's not Hwang Hyunjin, it's that simple Also, this is a fic that references a real place with a real culture and real people. NOTHING I write in this fic reflects how I feel about the people who live in Jeju or how Jeju actually is. It is COMPLETELY fictional and had nothing to do with anything I've witnessed about Jeju. (and yeah I changed up the little banner, I liked the idea of a little moodboard.)

act iii ➻ run

Winter 2025

“To the bride!” 

To say the group sat in front of Jisung were rowdy would be an understatement. They shout and laugh, effusing over the lucky couple’s merriment. Your husband looks to you, drowning in layers of white fabric, and raises his glass. The group doesn’t even try to be contained to their booth, spilling out of their seats onto the floor only to pile back up into the booth again. A waitress comes over and stammers a request for you guys to pipe down. None of you listen, in fact, you look over at the waitress with a twinkle in your eye as you gather her hands to her confusion.

“I’m a married woman now.” You say dreamily. As the cheering from your crowd gets louder, the waitress retracts her hands and retreats through an “Employees Only” door. Jisung clenches his glass, his eyes dead set on your figure. What he did to Jiwoo was for her sake, but it was also for you. Yet here you are. You’d rather traumatize yet another sad sap than just wait for him. Jisung is flogged with bitterness against his better judgment. He should know better than to accept this as reality, but his heart won’t listen to his head.

“We’re going to have to ask you all to leave.” A man speaks to Jisung’s right. He keeps his eyes on you. 

“Seriously?! It’s my wedding day!” You cry out, hoping the manager or whoever will understand how much heartbreak he’s causing you. 

“You guys are disrupting the other patrons. If you don’t leave, I’ll have to call the police.” The man remains calm, even offering these punks courtesy by lowering his voice. Jisung’s eyelids twitch, his eyes burning with his insistence to keep them on you.

“Sir, have you never had fun? Let loose? Sometimes rules are stifling, you know. Maybe you just haven’t met the right people to–”

The glass he’s been clenching is launched to the ground before the motion is even registered in his mind. Red drains from his vision as in one swing, all his frustration is emptied. He assumes everyone is looking at him, but he only sees you. Or… not you.

The woman looks shocked, a little scared. Suddenly not so enthused about her rowdy marriage celebration. Jisung is finally unclenched from his fixation, looking around the room at the confused and shocked faces. His hand dives into his pockets, pulling a couple withered bills coated in something. He drops them on the table haphazardly, rushing from his table and out of the door.

He slides in his car and slams the door shut. Heaving, he settles back into his chair. He knew that wasn’t you. He does this every fucking time. He swallows hard, his hands clumsily jam the key into the ignition.

He pulls into the complex’s parking lot and opens the sun visor. His key ring drops into his lap but his attention lingers on his reflection and what the couple and their group must’ve seen. His patchy facial hair, the turbulent mop on his head, eyes red with irritation surrounded by dark circles. Not much has changed, he thinks, despite a year passing.

Spring 2024

“What was the occasion?” The consignment shop owner asks absentmindedly, glancing at Jisung after he doesn’t get an answer. Jisung gapes at him, brushing his sweaty palms off on his pants. 

“A lot of men sell their suits after their weddings,” he starts again, rubbing the material of the suit between his fingers, “women are a little more sentimental about this stuff–”

“How much? Um, h-how much for it?” Jisung interrupts the owner’s chuckling. The owner looks up again, this time he seems to take in Jisung’s disheveled appearance and his agitated state. He doesn’t comment on the obvious, just offers Jisung a tight smile.

“This was tailored to you, correct?”

Jisung exhales tightly, rubbing his forehead. He didn’t even think about that. “Yeah, but–”

“Then I’m sorry, it’ll slice the price down.”

Jisung lets out a heavy sigh, the stress making him want to lay on the floor and yell. 

“I think… maybe around one thousand.”

“One thousand?” Jisung’s mood immediately flips. Both men look at each other, puzzled. 

“This is designer, right? Cucinelli?” The owner asks like he’s confused why he even has to.

“I-I don’t…” He didn’t buy it. His father in law did. “I’ll take it.”

The owner beams, looking happy to have such a nice piece for sale. “Would you like it in cash?”

0:00 ───|────── 0:00

He counts the cash as he thinks over his plan once more. He has more than enough for the ticket. When he gets there… maybe he’ll stay at a motel? Is it a walkable city? He can hear Jiwoo now, scolding him for not planning this out. He could have gone about this all in a different way. It doesn’t matter. And Jiwoo… she’ll be hurt now, but she’ll be better off this way. And he’ll figure it out. He has to.

“Next!” 

Jisung’s eyes dart up to the person behind the desk before gathering his cash. “Yes um, one way to… Jeju?”

“Sir. The next train from here to Jeju doesn’t come until tomorrow.” She responds in vexed monotone. The look on the employee’s face expresses exactly what Jisung is thinking. But wondering why he didn’t look this up beforehand won’t change the fact that he still has to wait. 

“O-of course! I’ll um…” Jisung gives up on trying to look less stupid and skitters away. As he shuts the door to his motel room behind him, a strong fear that he’ll be staying there forever crops up. He shakes it away for now. He can’t think that way for the sake of his sanity. 

The next morning he comes back to the train station with his tail tucked between his legs. 

“The next train will come at noon.” This employee was much more chipper as she delivered bad news. Jisung sighs, having gotten up at 6 am for no reason. It’s not like he was sleeping much anyway. He can brazenly blame his lack of sleep for his lack of preparation yet again, but the twisting in his stomach didn’t lie. He sits on the many wooden benches that resembled pews in the waiting area. Even sitting on them was eerily familiar. His body curves over, making it harder for his older self like always with the way he contorts his spine. Before he can examine his watch, he catches a glimpse of his warped appearance around the metal frame. It holds him, the warping doing nothing to hide how tired he looked. He’ll have to shave soon. Does he have a razor?

He’s ruining his life.

The thought booms, shaking him. Jisung bites down hard on his lip. No matter how much he tries to distract himself, the feeling won’t go away. 

“Train to Daegu?” A worker taps Jisung’s shoulder and jolts him awake. Jisung makes groggy noises, frazzled as he glances around before shaking his head. “If you’re taking the train to Daegu, start heading to track seven now!” The worker yells as he walks past the benches. Jisung hadn’t even noticed himself go to sleep.

He glances at his watch again. 10:35. Great. He readjusts against the solid wood before crossing his arms. 

“Train to Jeju?” The worker jolts Jisung awake once again. Once he gains his barings, he hurriedly gathers his duffle bag full of haphazardly purchased clothing. “Head to track 8, sir.” The worker nods at him before continuing down the walkway. 

As Jisung ventures between the trains he keeps seeing Jiwoo’s face. One of the train’s horns blows, making him jump. Even as he boards the train and makes his way to his seat, he sees that face she made when he looked back. The sheer horror and disbelief. He clenches his fists against his legs. No. It’s what needed to happen. Getting married would have been no better. His lengthy sigh is only a facade of relaxation. He shuts his eyes and leans back.

0:00 ───|────── 0:00

Winter 2025

Being in a fresh place with fresh faces, it would be better for you. That was the plan, at least. This house is perfect. The architecture is gorgeous, everything you dreamed about. That didn’t change the fact that it was a reminder. Nothing about the soothing sound of the waves crashing against the shore eased the sting. You explain all of this to your psychologist.

“That makes sense to me. Of course you’d still feel that way.” says Dr. Ha Sooyoung, who was surprised but intrigued to hear you weren’t married or engaged. Usually people who live there either immediately settle down or hightail it out of there according to her. Her telling you this worried you, you wondered if she was unequipped to handle such a trainwreck. You were hilariously wrong. “Who should we start with today?” She looks up at you, smiling to prompt you to answer. You still hesitate, knowing she doesn’t frame it this way to embarrass you. It still does.

“J-Jisung.” You want to disappear as soon as his name leaves your mouth. You bite your lip to keep it from quivering. 

“Okay.” There is no hint of a foul disposition in her voice. She smiles pleasantly. “I noticed we don’t talk about Minho as much.”

You shake off your self-pity and nod. “I feel better about him, I think.”

“I think that was thanks to you. Your last words to him were very thoughtful and mature.” She gives you props, seeming genuinely impressed. You nod more emphatically. 

“I find that I mostly want to know if he’s doing alright. I know he’s out now, but I try not to overstep. I just… I really hope he isn’t blaming himself.” You undercut your worry with a dry laugh. You wince, wondering why you feel like you have to filter your emotions around her after all this time.

“From what I understand, Minho really cares about you. I don’t think it’s just contained to romance or labels. He saw you, a person, at your absolute lowest and didn’t like what he saw. You said that when you brought it up he didn’t like it, right?” You confirm, letting Sooyoung take you for a ride through her thought process. It used to make you nervous, always thinking she was going to call you a piece of shit. At least you know better now.

“I bet it’s because it was a hard thing for him to see and think about. But I can guarantee you coming into that visitation area and calmly letting him go helped immensely. He doesn’t have to worry if you’re okay anymore. I think it’s time you stop worrying as well.”

You settle into the plush armchair across from her, feeling wrapped in a blanket of serenity. You smile at Sooyoung, the blanket slipping once you remember something.

“Sooyoung, will you be honest with me?”

“Always. What is it?”

“If I go back to Jisung… would that be cruel to Minho?” You almost don’t want to look at her, but you do. You can tell by the look on her face that she isn’t going to sugar coat it.

“I’ll ask you a question. How would you describe the state of you and Minho’s relationship?”

You laugh unintentionally, catching yourself shortly after and covering your mouth. “I’d say that’s long over.” You express after calming.

“Well, it has been about two years so I think that’s a natural take away. I’d say you two are at the position where maybe each other’s decisions shouldn’t bother the other too much.”

You decide to sleep on that. The nightmare you have that night makes you think sleeping on it might’ve been a bad idea. Once you finally rip yourself from your unconscious you whip out your phone. You instinctively text her at this point, letting her know that at least this time you did manage to fall asleep.

Ha Sooyoung: That’s great to hear. Try to get some more rest, watch something that’ll make you feel better. Text me in the morning.

You’ve deduced that that’s her nice way of telling you to stop texting her at 2 am. You imagine that it’s times like this people would recommend a diary. You throw on a kdrama, yet another decision that ends up screwing you. The kdrama you chose was one about a wife who takes her husband for granted and ends up regretting it upon hearing about her declining health. Your brain rewards you with a hazy dream where you’re bedridden and completely paralyzed. Watching everyone in your life slip away. You force yourself awake once more and decide to start your day at 7 am.

Waking up early was never your thing. You have passed on many employment opportunities based on how early they wake you. So in theory you’d be pissed you were pulling yourself from the comfort of your bed to make breakfast. But Sooyoung has taught you the importance of positive thinking. You used to think that was bullshit that people who didn’t have problems claimed was life changing. You have noticed a difference, though. 

Even when a couple pieces of eggshell fall into the pan and you burn yourself trying to get it, it doesn’t get to you. You smile to yourself once you notice. You take time with your breakfast bagel, savoring it. You grimace once you find the shells, but it doesn’t make the sandwich taste worse. You sigh, enjoying the brief serenity despite knowing it was going to expire. The nightmares still haunt you. It’s as if your brain doesn’t realize they’re not real yet. You sit with them like Sooyoung would want you to. Is this your mind expressing that you’re regretful? Obviously you are, there’s nothing more you can do now. You’ve spoken to Minho and Jiwoo and said your piece. You were a little unstable when Jiwoo contacted you, but what you said was true. Dwelling on it is only going to make it worse.

You’re already alone, anyway.

The final piece that you swallow is far too big. It climbs slowly down your throat, hurting the entire way down. You beat at your chest as if it’ll help, clenching your face hard. 

Just a minor setback, you think as you pick out your outfit for work. You found a stunning boutique in Jeju-si at the end of last year. You originally planned to go there to shop but saw they were hiring. They don’t give you a dress code, so you grab your favorite shirt. It defaulted to your favorite after you sold most of your clothing for extra cash. It’s a baby blue cashmere sweater. The beaded neckline and buttons on each sleeve were aesthetically pleasing, but the thickness and quality fabric made it ideal for the cold weather. You immediately feel soothed as you smooth your hands down the soft fabric.

As you stride down the sidewalk, you can’t help feeling extra cozy in your coat and scarf. You enter the boutique with a genuine smile. The usual patrons were young couples, old couples, and half of a couple looking for a gift. This would be the first time since working here that you saw a group of women your age. They looked like they shopped here, in fact you think you recognize a couple of them. Their vibe screamed polished but ultra-feminine. As they coast from rack to rack you become a fly on the wall. You listen as close as you can, spectating their movements and chatter. For a moment you imagine yourself with them, laughing derisively at the thought.

When they finish they make their way to the front. You notice one of the women staring at your shirt. Suddenly self-conscious, you tug and pull at it as if your actions will make it imperceptible. 

“Your shirt…” The woman speaks, slightly taller than the others. After she gets her fill she switches her attention to your face, priming a question. You swallow hard, wishing you could teleport out of there.

“Where did you get it? It’s gorgeous!” The women around her make comments and noises in agreement. Suddenly shifting back to your previous content, you smile wide. 

“I–! Um… I believe it was Khaite?” Again you’re met with rousing praise. 

“How beautiful! I don’t mean to be weird, but can I feel? I heard Khaite is popular for their cashmeres.” The woman speaks again, one of her friends seconding the request. You shrug as if you’re not absolutely loving the attention. You extend both arms and the woman reaches out before retracting her hand. She looks at you apologetically. 

“I feel like I should introduce myself first. I’m Hyunjin,” she starts before pointing to each person around her, “this is Kahei, Gowon, Jinsoul, and Yerim.” They greet you as each of their names are called. You greet them back, offering your name despite not being prompted to. You feel desperate suddenly, like you’re being met with a prime opportunity. Hyunjin returns to your sweater, brushing her fingers against the fabric. Gowon joins in, both of them remarking on the quality in shock. You can’t help beaming. How could you when the only consistent interactions you have are ones you pay for or are being paid for. Also, you feel like you’re finally hitting it off with everyone who hated you in high school.

The girls brief you that– as long as you’re okay with it– they like to have their first meeting with a new friend at said friend’s place. You agree, making a mental note to storm through your house like the Tasmanian devil to get it spotless. You throw on the outfit you hurriedly picked out at your store before looking in your mirror. The dress itself is lovely, of course, but looking at it on you makes you sick. Looking at yourself at all in the mirror does. All you see is every moment of preparation to inflict pain on someone who did nothing but love you. You shake the thought away, ears perking up at the sound of knocking on the door.

You take a few deep breaths, hoping it will offset the nausea. You plaster on a brave face as you open the door. The girls greet you excitedly before admiring your home. Gowon especially, who enters the home a lot more enthusiastically than the others. In a feat you thought impossible, Gowon’s eyes get larger. 

“I can’t believe it! This is the house! Me and my husband were just looking at this before it was sold. What are the odds?”

“Really?” You remark, matching her disbelief. “That’s crazy. Shocking odds, I’m sure.” You and her laugh. Each girl twirls around to get a good look at the house and your pride hides a deeper emotion that you push down.

“Oh! Please, have a seat! Make yourselves at home.” You urge as you guide them to your living room.

“Don’t mind if I do.” Gowon wiggles her eyebrows at you, hinting at something else. You stare at her for a moment as it hits you. You’re not sure what you’re escaping from quite yet, but your mind shouts desperately that this is your way out.

As the women settle in you notice something. “Where are my manners? I didn’t even check if you guys were hungry. I’m not much of a cook but we could order something.” You say frantically as you wipe your sweaty palms off on your dress. The girls look at each other, some announcing that they’re not hungry and others that they could eat.

“Anything you guys have in mind?” You ask as you take out your phone.

“Hmmm, I’ve been craving Chinese.” Jinsoul offers. Your thumbs freeze over your phone. The other girls agree, even the ones who said they weren’t hungry. So you place everyone’s order including yours. The one that you had offhandedly mentioned to Jisung. The one that he had ready for you before you ran out. Once the food is delivered and is set out on your dining room table it really sets in. You know what Sooyoung told you, but that doesn’t make you feel any better at this moment. You can’t look back at that memory. Especially not with the regret you’re feeling.

“So anyway, tell us about yourself.” Kahei diverges from the conversation topic you weren’t paying attention to. The girls turn their attention accordingly, tuning in to the grand story they seem to be expecting. 

“Yeah… tell us why you look like you’re always whimsically reminiscing about your husband who’s lost at sea.” Hyunjin raises her eyebrows like she knows you know exactly what she’s talking about. You choke out a squawk of a laugh in shock.

“Wh… what?!” You shout with a tinge of fear. You subconsciously cross your arms over your chest to prevent from telling on yourself anymore. The girls break up about the entire display, falling over the counter. You can’t help but genuinely laugh yourself, and you actually know why it’s funny.

“No um,” you gather yourself, eyebrows tightening at the fact that you’re going to admit any part of this, “I just… I’ve been eyeing this house for a while. Alone.” You bail out despite tacking that on at the end and making yourself suspicious.

“So no husband lost at sea.” Hyunjin playfully confirms while pointing at you with narrowed eyes.

“No.” You quickly reply. You laugh nervously amongst the sea of genuine giggles, eyeing everyone to monitor what else you might’ve let on.

0:00 ───|────── 0:00

“On saturday, he ate through one piece of chocolate cake–” Heejin freezes when someone knocks on the door. She looks at Mihee excitedly, causing Mihee to gasp. “I wonder who that is!”

Heejin grunts as she raises Mihee off her lap and sets her on the ground. She hurries to the door, opening it to confirm that both of her suspicions are correct. There he is, his hands too full to turn the doorknob. 

“Ji-Ji!!” Mihee exclaims as she runs to him. Jisung laughs awkwardly as she hugs his waist.

“Hello.”

Heejin rolls her eyes at the awkward display before prying Mihee off him. “Alright, go sit back down and wait for mommy.”

“Did you bring ice cream?” Mihee asks, already whining. 

“Hey! What did I tell you about asking him for things when I already said no?” Heejin maintains her firmness despite her daughter’s pouting. “Go sit by the couch, come on.” 

Jisung watches in awe as Heejin guides her daughter back to the floor by the couch. She never seems too harsh or too soft when it comes to Mihee. It’s like she always knows exactly what to say and what to do. He imagines Jiwoo would be the same as a mother. Maybe parenting that good comes with being a good person. 

He sets the groceries on the counter, releasing his grasp on them slowly as something distracts him. He moves to the stove, shocked by how shiny it looks suddenly.

“I cleaned it.” Heejin says from right behind him. He jolts and turns to face her. His shock morphs to slight disappointment. 

“I told you I’d handle that when I got home.”

“And I told you you didn’t have to. Wasn’t cleaning the rest of the house enough?” She asks rhetorically as she starts putting away the groceries. He just closes his mouth, knowing he’s not going to stop her. If it was up to him, she wouldn’t have to worry about anything but taking care of her daughter. It’s the least he could do.

Summer 2024

If he just focuses on one task it’ll be less overwhelming. He needs a new ID. For a new ID, he needs proof of address. For proof of address, he needs to find a place to live instead of couchsurfing. To find a place to live to acquire important documents, the landlords require said documents. He clenches his steering wheel, waiting for a hit. He stares at the app as if one will come faster.

A knock on his window scares him. He looks at the owner of the restaurant who’s parking lot he’s in.

“I told you you can’t sleep here!”

Exasperated, Jisung rolls down his window. “I’m not! I’m just–”

“Get out of here before I call the police!”

Jisung grits at the owner as they walk away before starting his engine. Maybe driving around will help him find someone. Surely enough, the rideshare app rings out. He hurriedly accepts the request, stabilizing his poorly hoisted up phone.

When he pulls up, a woman and man stumble in. He eyes them in the mirror, knowing just by the look of them that they aren’t going to tip. He begrudgingly starts the engine.

0:00 ───|────── 0:00

Jisung drives aimlessly through the city as if something will just jump out at him. He can’t find a couch to sleep on tonight and his eyelids are getting heavy. He pulls into the first parking lot he sees. He’ll just get a little shut eye while the parking lot’s still full. It’s either that or causing a car accident. He wakes up to a stiff back and the sun in his eyes. He blinks away the burning sensation, catching a glimpse of someone unlocking the building he’s parked out front of. They glance in his direction and Jisung prepares to be shouted at. However, the older man just smiles stiffly and waves at him. Jisung hesitantly waves back. He checks his phone to see what time it is. The cheap screen is useless in even the smallest amount of sun so he cups his hand above it. 12:33 pm.

He steps out of his car, stretching until all the joints that locked up were sufficiently popped. He happens to catch a glimpse of the sign when he cracks open his eyelids. He’s parked outside of a bar, and judging by the owner flipping the sign, one that opens relatively early. Curious, he steps into the establishment. It has the stereotypical pool table, the bar, and a few places to sit and eat. It has that cozy, rustic feel that most modern bars try to replicate. Jisung hesitantly sits at the bar.

“Um, thank you.” Jisung says sheepishly. The owner cocks an eyebrow at him.

“What? You sleeping out there? You’re not bothering me. Just don’t park in my spot.” His bluntness makes Jisung reconsider his approach. “Can I help you?” He’s mixing a little impatience in now and Jisung immediately takes the hint.

“S-somaek. Please. Sir.”

The man grunts before grabbing a bottle and a can from under the bar. He slides both to him. “Nine dollars.”

“Oh sir, I don’t plan on drinking this whole thing. Can I just have a glass–”

“Nine dollars.”

Jisung sits for a moment, wondering if he should leave and never come back. Then he’d risk losing a solid place to sleep. Jisung presents his card to which the man presents a small Square terminal. He takes his drinks and a glass to a table in the corner of the bar. One bottle and can turn to three by the time patrons come and go. He finds himself comforted by the chaotic environment. As he gains more of a buzz he feels himself levitating. He sees you as his eyes flutter closed.

Day and night he spends his time at the bar. The owner seems less annoyed now that he’s a paying regular. People come and go, clouding his brain satisfyingly with the noise. Some even bump into him, apologizing despite his indifference. Fall comes as his health declines. For once the owner protests his presence, complaining about the smell. He physically kicks Jisung out, sending him tumbling out the door. 

“Fuck you, I don’t care about you anyway.” Jisung mumbles an incoherent slosh of words as he kicks at the ground. The action sends him tumbling back to the ground. 

“You okay?” Jisung looks up after being questioned by a gruff male voice. Above him he only sees you. It’s a confusing, inconsistent mess of what he still remembers, but it’s enough for him to act on it. He stands up shakily, clenching your shoulders that don’t feel like your shoulders. He calls out your name.

“I’ve been looking for you, I came here for you!” He says happily. You shake him off, remarking to someone behind you that he’s “totally out of it”. You and your friends leave and he shambles after you. He miscalculates his steps and falls especially hard. He cradles his knee, rolling around on the floor. It’s okay, he can still sleep here. He still has a place to sleep. He opens his back door and splays out onto the seats, his feet dangling out of the car. With his face squished against the seats he calls out to you again.

“Come find me...”

0:00 ───|────── 0:00

Jisung groans when he feels his body move. His head is pounding and he can see the sunlight through his eyelids. He groans again, this one more akin to a whine. He notices his body is still moving around. Then he feels a hand that’s not his patting against his upper leg. He jolts upright, the action sending a bolt of blinding pain through his brain. When his vision finally focuses, he sees two men rummaging around in his car. One leaning over the driver’s seat and carding through his center console and the other right beside him, reaching for the floor. Jisung shouts out in shock. The man in the front looks over at him, cursing before retreating out the door and slamming it. While he’s staring at him, he notices the other is especially close. He turns to see him closing in on Jisung. He screams in horror and shields his face. The man reaches past him and grabs his duffle bag before fleeing. That doesn’t stop Jisung from flashing back to his assault, trembling as he slips out of the backseat and scrambles into the front. He drops his keys, reaching for them urgently before shoving them into the ignition. He glances at the suspicious onlookers keeping a watchful eye on him. He floors it, swinging haphazardly out of the parking lot. All their faces are vivid in his mind as he speeds down the street.

Images of Minho’s enraged eyes as he pummeled Jisung distract him. Cars honk as they pass his swerving vehicle. He eventually decides to park near a bus stop, slipping from his car and staggering onto the sidewalk. The first thing his eyes catch when he looks up is a sign on a utility pole.

“Single mother looking for a roommate.You’ll have access to the living room futon and all the amenities. $50 a month. Contact me at xxx-3894 or come to the Bayview apartments and ask for Heejin.”

Jisung laughs at himself. Just his luck that he’d see this when he needed it the most. It’s like someone is playing a cruel joke, daring him to nearly get killed again. He takes it as a challenge, gritting his teeth. ‘I’m not afraid to die’, he thinks as he hops back into his car. A piece of shit like him should be able to handle at least this much. Pain throbs right behind his eyes as he types the apartment name into his phone. He has tunnel vision the entire trip there, strutting through the doors and immediately losing his confidence. A burly man sits behind the counter. 

“Yes?”

Jisung is met with that familiar impatience.

“There was an ad for a roommate…” Jisung finds it hard to think after months of letting his brain rot.

“You’re looking for Heejin.” He states as if to remind him. Jisung nods, swallowing when he notices his mouth feels like cotton. The man moves from behind the desk. “Alright, hands up.” He says as he approaches Jisung. Jisung stammers and looks at him in confusion, leading to the man raising his arms for him. Oh god, he was actually going to die. He feels tears prickle his eyes, anger and frustration filling him at the sensation. Why did he even care? It’s not like he deserved to live. The man pats him down before giving Jisung a hardy “Alright”.

Jisung looks up at him expectantly. 

“Third floor, room 308.”

As he exited the elevator, Jisung kept thinking of every horror movie he’s ever seen where they lure some idiot into a secluded area and torture him for their amusement. He watches as insects crawl out from tears in the yellowed wallpaper. Everything is screaming at him to turn around but for what? So he can find another bar to drink himself into an early grave? Is life the way it is so worth living that he should fear dying? Despite that, his fist shakes as he raises it toward the door. He grits his teeth so hard he feels like they’ll crack under the pressure. He lowers his hand, cursing himself for his cowardice.

The door opens anyway and he flinches before looking up. Before him is a woman around his age with short hair, carrying a toddler. The toddler is crying loudly and the mother looks very disheveled. Not as much as him, but still enough for it to be noticeable.

“Please! Come in!” She sounds friendly despite her clear exhaustion.

He doesn’t know what would’ve happened to him if he didn’t find her and Mihee that day. She insisted on the low price to stay there. If only she knew who she was being so gracious to.

Heejin stumbles across a small container of ice cream and scoffs. She presents it to him, her cocked eyebrow suggesting she already has an idea why it’s there, but is still asking for an explanation. Only the beginning of a sound leaves Jisung before he’s huffing through his nose in defeat. 

“Could you give it to her? I don’t know… like if she does something good? Say it was a surprise from you.” Jisung supplies to a disinterested Heejin. 

“You’re just like my mother! What’s the point of being firm and putting my foot down if all she learns is to ask the right person?!” Heejin rants, exasperated as she tosses the ice cream back into the bag.

“I know, you’re right. I just couldn’t help it. You can have it. Eat it after she falls asleep or something.” Jisung falls even deeper into defeat as he sighs and closes his eyes. Heejin examines him quietly.

“No.” Jisung opens his eyes for clarification, only to be met with Heejin’s annoyed exhaustion. “You’re going to give it to her after she follows my instructions without talking back. You’re going to tell her that’s why she can have it, and to not ask for things I’ve already said no to anymore.” Heejin reaches for the ice cream again and shoves it into Jisung’s chest. He clutches it as she continues. 

“Maybe she’ll listen if you say it.” Judging by the look on her face, she means exactly what’s implied. Jisung’s brain churns with turmoil. That little girl shouldn’t get used to trusting someone like him. He’s trying his best to minimize his interactions with her but it’s impossible. 

“That is a good idea actually. You’re so good at stuff like that.” Jisung says sheepishly. 

“And maybe this way you can practice interacting with her without treating her like an active grenade.”

Her words shock a strangled noise out of Jisung. “Like a what?!”

“Don’t play dumb with me. Every time she hugs you your arms hover in the air like a confused bird. And don’t even get me started on the way you talk to her. Kids are easy to talk to if you try.” The more Jisung stammers defensively the more potent her knowing look gets.

“Fine,” Jisung huffs, “ but it’s not easy. Maybe this stuff comes easily to people like you.”

“People like who? Parents? You know anyone can become a parent, right? You don’t magically become a child whisperer as soon as you become one. And please don’t tell me it’s because I’m a woman–”

“No!” Jisung protests loudly, slightly annoyed at her assumption. “It’s just… some people are born to help. Others are born to hurt.”

Heejin watches in awe as Jisung stews in palpable self disgust.

“Do you think I assume Mihee teleports into her bed after we doze off on the couch?” Is what Heejin settles on to summarize her thoughts. She doesn’t even let him respond, just leaving him to put the rest of the groceries away like she knows he wants her to.

0:00 ───|────── 0:00

Book club, pilates, mani/pedis, brunch. These are things you only heard of people doing. Mostly from girls in school and after school who would give you a dirty look if you showed interest. Now you were doing all of it with girls who looked just like them. They didn’t even have to tell you about their extensive morning and night routines. You don’t get skin and hair that flawless without hard work. 

“How about you?” Hyunjin says after calling your name. While you were admiring their perfect grooming they must have been talking about their personal lives again. You guess that because they’ve been trying to get you to open up about yours. Not many people move here without having family here or leaving soon after. It’s only natural that they’re curious. 

“What about me?” You frame it as you being humble, as if there’s nothing much to say. Meanwhile you actually didn’t hear her. 

“Oh come on. There has to be some interesting story there.” Hyunjin urges, playfully suspicious of your mysterious backstory. You wonder for a moment if you should tell them your current house is one you fantasized about moving to with your ex. That would give them something juicy to chew on for months. But then you’d be framing yourself as a heartbroken damsel, not a homewrecking monster. And you’re definitely not ready to tell the truth.

“I always thought Jeju was beautiful, and I couldn’t pass up such a beautiful home.” You explain, the girls nodding in agreement. Especially Gowon, and you know exactly what she’s going to say. 

“I’m just saying! Let me know if you ever decide to sell that puppy.” She raises her eyebrows at you as if she’s tempting you. She is. You give her a smile, hoping it comes across that you’re considering it. You’ve never been to a country club so you take the time to look around. The architecture is beautiful, you expect nothing less for such an affluent part of town. The warm browns of the wooden floors and paneled ceiling as well as the beige walls give it a very cozy feeling. The slant to the ceiling, however, gives it a modern edge. Being this far up, the windows offer a gorgeous view of the skyline and the ocean.

The country club isn't the only mainstay of the group. Hyunjin’s house was as well. You were well acquainted with her son, Seojun. He was a fresh toddler, exemplified by the turbulent wobble in his stride. Her husband, Jeongin, is someone you’re not as acquainted with. He seemed charismatic and has great bone structure. You could tell immediately that Hyunjin was in good hands. Initially, that is.

Hyunjin’s long hair tucked back by a thick, white headband with the exception of her straight across bangs exemplified her preppy look. It��s why you thought the two paired perfectly together. Jeongin is one sweater tied around his shoulders away from looking like a stereotypical man from the 50s. His perfectly styled hair made him resemble Ken, a perfect to match for his Barbie. This is the exact thought process when he stepped into the kitchen where you were straggling behind, cleaning your glass. You smile at him, it comes naturally as his uncanny resemblance to the doll amuses you. 

“What brings you to this town?” He asks, seemingly bewildered by your choice. You sigh, almost complaining about answering this question so many times, but the smile still on your face doesn’t lie. This is the least problematic problem to have. 

“It’s a beautiful place, isn’t it?” You remark wistfully. Jeongin agrees, exaggerating each step he takes closer to you. 

“It’s a pretty empty place. You get to know everyone, settle down, and then boom!” You nearly drop your glass upon discovering he’s right next to you. So close he’s pressing against you. “Someone drop-dead-gorgeous moves to town.” He looks at you pointedly, his eyes dipping lower causing you to actually drop the glass, the pieces flying all over the sink basin.

“Woah! Be careful doll.” He reaches for your hand but you jerk it away. He looks at you, offended. You return the look right back. 

“What did you say?” You mean the question literally, to double check what you heard, and as a way to encourage some critical thinking. You barely know this man. Hyunjin was one of the first genuine friends you met here who pulled you out of your rut. 

“Geez. Don’t be so serious. I was just kidding!” He throws his hands up, surrendering from your grilling. Kahei rushes in and he flees just as fast.

“Are you okay?” She looks over the sink and then at your hands that are shaking. You nod dumbly. “Are you okay?” She asks again, skeptical of your previous answer.

“Jeongin just flirted with me.” You find the words flying from you before you can control it, disbelief coating them. Kahei looks at you sympathetically before rubbing your back. 

“Yeah… you just gotta ignore him when he does that.”

You look up at Kahei, not sure whether the shock, confusion, or indignation was showing on your face. So many emotions and thoughts flow through you that end up voicing one aloud. 

“A-are you guys sleeping with him?”

Kahei backs up from you, her looking affronted this time. “Excuse me?!”

“I-I’m sorry! That came out wrong, I didn’t–”

“If anyone did that, or does that in the future,” the pointed look she gives you feels like a searing hot iron branding your flesh, “they should be ashamed of themselves.” Her voice laps at you as she shoots you a sharp glare. She leaves shortly after, leaving you to grapple alone. As you walk out of the kitchen, completely forgetting about the shards of glass you left in the sink, everything around you is muffled and blurry. Hyunjin asks you something but your eyes are trained on the ground. What have you done?

Hyunjin shouts your name and jolts you to reality against your will. You look at all the married women before you. All married except you. You look at Kahei who is still staring daggers into you. If she told Hyunjin, that would be it. You’re the only bachelorette there and Kahei is her best friend of many years. Of course she’d see you as the scheming harlot there to steal all their husbands. The worst part was that you had to seriously consider if you did flirt back. You know deep down that you didn’t, but you keep replaying the interaction to see if maybe you made a face and led him on.

“I-I have to go.” You gather your things as the girls protest. As soon as you breach the doorway, tears pour down your face. You cover your mouth to contain the sob that spills from you. You walk as far as you can but barely make it to the bus stop before you fully break down. You turn away from the onlookers as the sobs rattle you. Of course this didn’t work out. Why would it?

The girls message you in the group chat and privately as an attempt to get through. You don’t even get your hopes up. They probably just miss gathering at your beautiful home. They can have it. You can’t take it anymore. You text Gowon and let her know you’re accepting her offer.

0:00 ───|────── 0:00

Other than smelling like the sea and his hands being numb from the cold, Jisung can’t complain about being a fisherman. He could focus on his thoughts since his coworkers didn’t speak to him much. Everyone just minded their own business and got the job done. Jisung pulls the buoy line up from the water, coiling the line right by his feet. His supervisor gives him a pat on his shoulder, signaling that this is the last thing he needs to do before he clocks out. Jisung just nods, appreciative that no one tries to yell over the noise of the wind and the boat. They just communicate with gestures and nods. 

As soon as Jisung walks through the door he’s only thinking of a hot shower.

“Ji-Ji!” 

But immediately upon hearing Mihee’s voice, his stress alleviates slightly. He gives her a soft smile, dropping it when she runs up for a hug. He stops her with a cautionary “woah”.

“S-sorry Mihee. Ji-Ji stinks.” He defaults back to that stupid awkward laugh. She frowns and walks back to where her mother emerges. 

“Still.” She doesn’t even frame it as a question, knowing the answer from his bird arms. He hurriedly drops them once he realizes. She shrugs.

“You’ll get there.”

“You don’t know that.” Jisung corrects immediately. “You don’t know me.” His words offer a challenge. In a few seconds, Jisung can make her regret putting faith in him. Possibly regret ever letting him into her house. Jisung attempts to swallow the lump that forms in his throat.

Heejin picks up on that same look from when they were putting away groceries. She breathes a laugh. “Unless you’re some sort of axe murderer or child predator, I promise you I’m not worried about you being around Mihee.”

The confidence in her voice unnerves him. The back of his mind screams at him to tell her because she deserves to know. 

“I cheated on my… ex-fiancee multiple times with the same woman. I even got off on the fact that it would crush her if she found out. I urged her to go on a trip with her friends when she just wanted to stay with me, all so I could invite over the other woman. She even called me during the trip because she missed me so much but I told her to stay. While I was inside someone else for a whole month she thought I was looking out for her wellbeing, I was actively destroying it for pleasure. The kicker is that she wasn’t even my fiancee yet. I let her propose to me, plan the wedding, fantasize about our future, and even walk down the aisle while I was thinking of the very same woman I moved to Jeju for.” Jisung pours his heart as if he was begging Heejin to vilify him. His eyes are pleading her, but not the same way his words do. He can tell that he’s letting it bleed through that he doesn’t want what he’s asking for. He shakes it away and continues.

“Jisung.”

“I left her at the altar. I embarrassed her in front of both our families on a day that was supposed to be the best day of her life. I just disappeared.”

“Jisung–”

“She screamed out for me–”

“Jisung!” Heejin snaps insistently, finally stopping his never-ending confessional. She huffs, seeming to prepare herself for something.

“You know, I gave birth to Mihee after finally breaking up with my husband. We fought all the time during my pregnancy, to the point where I thought the stress might harm Mihee. You can’t really blame my ex, though. He had sustained an injury from his job and his doctor suggested he abstain from any strenuous activity. It was so serious he wasn’t allowed to have sex for months.” She stresses the word as if to mock her younger, impatient self. It dawns on Jisung slowly but surely. His eyes don’t widen because he’s shocked by what she did, but that she did them.

“You could understand his anger now when he realized he wasn’t seeing things and there was– in fact– a baby bump protruding from his loving wife. Even worse is when she tried to gaslight him. Telling him she was just bloated and was seeing a doctor about it. Then the bump got larger, and he saw a tiny foot distend the skin of her stomach. I think what baffles me the most looking back was that I was so angry at him. So angry that I fought him in court for custody of the baby I wasn’t even sure I wanted. Well I won that fight thanks to the prejudice of the judge. He gave me a stern look and lectured me like he was my father, saying that now I had to stop screwing around and live the destined life of a woman. The entire trial my lawyer and the judge boasted about how amazing it would be for a child to have a parent who had a natural impulse to nurture. But I didn’t. My ex knew that, which is why he fought. After the verdict I didn’t hear from him for a few days. I was panicking every time Mihee cried, wondering why the nurturing instinct I was supposed to have wasn’t kicking in. Then he called me and I was so relieved, ready to do whatever it took to get rid of Mihee. But he absolutely let me have it. Said he was an idiot for trying to remain tethered to me in any way, that losing custody was like dodging a bullet. There was genuine relief and joy in his voice.” Heejin reminisces sarcastically, topping it off with a theatrical, wistful sigh. She gives him an emphatic look, like she was encouraging him to continue his confessions. Jisung looks lost and confused. 

“Heejin… you’re a great mother…” He says as if trying to rationalize what he just heard.

“Exactly!” She says excitedly, pointing at him. Jisung shakes his head as her point fails to compute. “I didn’t even know what to do after that. I was heartbroken, because despite my poor decisions and us getting married at eighteen like so many idiots from our hometown, I did love him. The guilt was strong. So strong that I couldn’t tell if the depression was from postpartum or the guilt. Then Mihee cried again one night and it just… clicked. I can’t do right by my ex-husband, but I could do right by her.” The hidden bitterness and pain finally surface as her lip quivers. She shakes her head and looks at the floor. She laughs before looking up again, a tear slipping from her eye. 

“Thanks a lot, Jisung.” She says playfully, wiping her eyes with her sleeve.

“I-I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be sorry. Hug my daughter back, asshole.” She slaps the back of his head before retreating into her daughter’s room. Jisung stares at the closed door with the most pitiful feeling of hope curdling in his stomach.

0:00 ───|────── 0:00

Kahei Hey.

Kahei We’re going to meet at the country club cafe. We were hoping you would come.

They must really like this house, you think, laughing derisively at your own joke. You chew on your lip after the humor of your distraction dries up. Did they tell Hyunjin? Is this some sort of intervention or group confrontation? You want to employ the healthy thought exercises you’ve learned but you keep replaying that moment after you walked out of the kitchen. The face that Kahei made inspired no confidence that you were going to be forgiven. You want to just sell the house to Gowon privately and high tail it out of there. You weren’t sure where you were going to go yet but you had to go somewhere.

You release a lengthy sigh, knowing where you needed to go.

“I think selling the house is a good idea.” Sooyoung informs you, her voice plain like it always is. Nothing for you to cling onto or stretch out of proportion. 

“Really?” 

Sooyoung lets a little amusement at your shock slip but nods through it. “I’d say you’ve been there long enough to know whether or not it’s a net positive or net negative. If it’s pulling you down, cut it off. Makes sense, right?”

“Yeah.” You’re surprised by how simple that was. “Huh.” You express, slightly satisfied. Slightly.

“So. Is there anything else you wanted to chat about today?” Now is when Sooyoung hints at an ulterior motive. You guys have been talking for long enough that she knows when you’re hiding something and that she can safely call you out on it. You could play stupid or delay your response, but that’s only drawing out the inevitable. You’re paying to be here, dammit. You grit and bear it, catching Sooyoung up with your split from the group.

“Did you flirt with Jeongin?” Sooyoung says the quiet part out loud and it catches you off guard. There’s an attentive look in her eyes that illustrates clearly that you have nothing to be worried about. The answer comes surprisingly easy despite the gargantuan unease tearing your stomach apart. 

“No, but–”

“Then you didn’t do it.” Sooyoung interrupts you for the first time in any of your meetings. She releases a hefty breath in relief before continuing. “I’m sorry I sprung that question on you like that, but I had a good feeling you didn’t do it. I promise I wouldn’t have asked you that in an accusing way. But you see now why you shouldn’t be worried.”

“I… I’m just– I feel sorry for Hyunjin, okay?!” You stress not only to her but to people not present in the room. 

“That’s very clear in my eyes. You may not have told Hyunjin what was going on, but you didn’t smile in her face knowing what was happening behind the scenes. If you have any fears that you’re walking into a confrontation of any sort, don’t. You should be the only person entering that cafe without a guilty conscience. And why is that?” This meeting with your psychologist turned into a pep talk suddenly. You feel slightly overwhelmed but you push through it.

“Because… I never deceived Hyunjin or purposely hid things from her.”

“That’s exactly right! You don’t need to go, especially if it will cause unnecessary stress and turmoil. But I think this is a good opportunity to stick up for yourself. And it may even be an opportunity to get your friend group back.”

You shoot her a confused look that makes her laugh.

“I don’t think it’s too late to mend things. If they’re really your friends, they’ll be able to handle you setting the record straight without getting offended. Plus, didn’t you say you enjoyed hanging out with them?”

“I really enjoyed it. It was like I was in a Hallmark movie.” You admit dreamily and partially in humiliation. Sooyoung laughs again and this time you join her. She stops for a moment and gives you a pointed, passionate look.

“You deserve happiness.”

That sentiment and the look in her eyes strikes something in you. You swallow hard, attempting to push down the large lump crawling up your throat. Your lips tremble and you look to the ground. You want to believe her. Every time you walk into this room, you want to believe her. You know it’s not going to be that easy, but damn it feels good to have someone rooting for you.

Through a tightened throat, you look up and thank Sooyoung.

0:00 ───|────── 0:00

Jisung’s supervisor pats him on the shoulder as he pulls on his coverall over his clothes. He looks over at him for clarity on the strangely-timed gesture. His supervisor clears his throat but it’s still gravelly beyond belief.

“We’ll be headed over to a well-off area to fulfill a large order today. The people there are spooked easily, so the customer warned us to not trail off too far if we dock.” He pats Jisung again as if to punctuate his sentence. Jisung nods as if he wasn’t already staring at the older man’s back. Jisung had forgotten what he said as fast as he said it. He doesn’t wander far from the harbor anyway.

As Jisung casts the buoy line, he looks out at the view. He can already tell they’ve arrived by the architecture and tourist-friendly attractions. Namely the pleasantly designed walls to welcome incoming boats. He has to guess what each cute little shop and building is, being this far away. Eventually they sail toward a residential area. His hands freeze and loosen on the rope, causing a chunk of it to zip straight into the water. Someone yelling his name only slightly alerts him. He drops the rope and they continue to yell. The crashing waves drown them out and alert Jisung to how bad his idea is. 

Jisung looks from the water to the houses again and spots it. The rock pattern around the edge of the property is identical. The dark wood and gray bricks, the distant twinkle of fairy lights, how it looks in the snow. In a split second he goes from stepping up onto the bow of the boat to hitting the ice cold water. His body immediately tenses up from the cold but he pushes through it. His hands slice through the turbulent water as he swims like his life depends on it. Halfway there, the majority of his body is numb to the point that he can only tell his body is following his brain’s command to swim because he can see himself closing in.

He reaches for a pile of rocks leading up to the edge of your house and clenches onto one. Feeling nothing from the numbness, he slips off from it. He tries again, gritting and yelling as he pushes through the pain. He clenches onto each rock as he painfully pulls his body up. By the time his hand slaps down on the wall surrounding your yard his fingers feel like they will pop off. He eventually drapes himself over the wall, falling over onto your snow-covered grass. He grunts desperately as he pulls himself up, shambling toward the house. He walks past the window, the one he saw so vividly in his dream. He sees the fireplace that matches the listing and his dream. He stares at it as his body feels like it’s chilling to rigidity. He finally pulls himself away at no sign of you. He knocks on the door, each strike feeling like it’s crushing his bones. He doesn’t know if he’s crying from the excruciating pain or from the anticipation of finally seeing you but it pours out of him. He sobs until drool drips from his numb lips.

A woman with large eyes opens the door before hiding behind her husband.

“Hey pal, what’re you doing here?!” The man booms. Jisung’s brain pounds behind his skull and his heartbeat slows. His head lolls over his shoulders and his eyes flutter close just before the world tilts.

0:00 ───|────── 0:00

“Mr. Han? Can you hear me, Mr. Han?”

Oh no… he’s having a nightmare. But why about this? The last thing he needs is to be back here. He hears a woman’s voice he expects to be Jiwoo panicking, but he doesn’t recognize it. Who the hell is that?

“Oh dear god. Is he going to die??” The woman asks urgently.

“No honey, they said he’ll be alright.”

Jisung blinks his eyes open, all of his senses overwhelmed by the sudden realization that he’s conscious. The relief he feels that he’s not stuck in a nightmare is brief. The bright lights above him and the feeling of the stiff mattress beneath him brings back all the emotions from being hospitalized for his concussion.

“Where are my things?” Jisung asks weakly.

“Thank god!” He looks over to see the large-eyed woman from the house sighing in relief. The house he thought was yours. He really did move here for no reason…

“They’re here in this bag, but I highly recommend you stay for another day–”

Jisung swipes the bag from the doctor’s hand and leaps from the bed. From the taxi ride home to the freezing walk up to his apartment, many people try to get his attention. The driver asks him if he’s okay, passersby ask if they should call for help, the burly man at the front desk of the complex hurls many bewildered questions at him. They all watch him walk by emotionlessly, bare feet padding on the snow, concrete, dirty carpet. When the elevator dings looks out into the empty hallway with beads of tears hanging over his bottom lids. He pads out onto the poorly adhered sheet of matted carpet down to his apartment. 

Heejin hears the door open and Mihee yell “Ji-Ji!” so she doesn’t feel the need to turn away from the stove.

“Hey Jisung, could you do me a big favor and help me clean the kitchen after this? Dinner’s almost ready.” She carefully starts to roll the egg. Jisung hasn’t answered but she needs complete concentration to do this.

“I know you’ll offer to do the whole thing yourself but…” She laughs, her smile fading slightly once she realizes Mihee is quiet as well. She swiftly kills the fire and flips around. The scene she witnesses makes her cover her mouth. Mihee nuzzles into Jisung’s shoulder as he holds her even tighter in his arms. Her tiny legs wrap around him as best as they can. They both soak up the long awaited hug in silence.

0:00 ───|────── 0:00

“I did all of this to myself.” Jisung admits weakly after explaining everything (including why he’s in a hospital gown) to Heejin. They both slouch on the couch, full from the food and exhausted from the day. Heejin looks over at him, the beer in his hand mirroring hers.

“So then it’ll be all the more satisfying when you fix it yourself.” She offers.

“Fix it how.” He laughs derisively. “In an attempt to lessen my ex’s pain, I probably tripled it. And the person I hurt her for is nowhere to be found.” He states the obvious in hopes she will understand his predicament.

“Are those the only aspects to your life?” Heejin asks carefully. “You’re suspended, but you said you liked your job, right?”

Jisung groans, very aware of where this is going.

“And you care about Mihee.” She adds with a more serious tone to her voice. “And she really loves you. You better not let down my baby girl.” She scolds. Jisung nods obediently, knowing she’s not joking at all. She sighs and rests her head on the back of the couch. 

“It takes time. It’s going to be lonely. It’s been three years since Mihee was born and I've only just made friends. Speaking of which, you should come with me.” She looks over at him, pleading with him to hear her out despite the look on his face.

“Some of them are young mothers just like me, which is exciting!”

“And why you should go alone. I’ll look after Mihee here.” Jisung brushes her off.

“No! They invited me to this crazy nice place, you might love it! There will be other things to do there and we’ll get in for free!”

Jisung groans and melts back onto the couch.

“When is it.” He asks regrettably, making Heejin squeal.

0:00 ───|────── 0:00

You readjust your bag and coat for the eightieth time outside the doors. You have to go in there like you mean business. Express that you don’t take back what you did, but you really would like to be friends again if they’re up to it. You sigh through your peaking anxiety. How the fuck were you going to balance that tone? You’re not a politician. You inhale sharply before pushing the doors open.

“Over here!” Kahei immediately yells for you. You look over to see her beckoning you over and the other girls waving. You walk over to get a closer look and to confirm what you initially observed. Hyunjin is nowhere to be seen.

“What…” All of the worst case scenarios swirl through your mind as you look between them. Should you even be here?

“Please, sit.” Kahei asks tenderly. The slightly melancholic air to the room suddenly makes your stomach drop. You sit nonetheless, because the unknown is frustrating. 

“Hyunjin hasn’t officially left the friend group, let’s just get that out of the way.” Gowon points out with both her hands lowered to the table. Kahei confirms before looking back to you. She says your name empathetically before laying her hand over yours. You feel like throwing up. 

“We all told Hyunjin about Jeongin,” Kahei starts and you swear the room is turning slightly, “that he flirted with all of us. We should’ve done this a long time ago. It is truly shameful that it took someone who hasn’t even known Hyunjin that long for us to realize how wrong we were. That shows just how much you care, and Hyunjin wanted us to thank you for her.”

You untense your shoulder and finally fully settle into your chair. “So, she’s just taking a break, or–” You ask as you look between them.

“Yes.” Gowon interjects. “And rightfully so, she’s probably processing a lot right now.” The others nod. You start nodding too, failing to stop the tears from streaming down your cheeks.

“She is. She really is.” You blubber through your tears. The girls coo, standing to come over and wrap their arms around you. You hide your face, correctly anticipating that your cries were about to get ugly. Their embraces feel so healing, though. Each pat and rub to your back and arms soothes you. You recover as quickly as you can, grabbing a napkin from the dispenser on the table and dabbing away your tears. You sniffle, looking at all of them gratefully. The overwhelming urge to apologize is consuming you but you fight it.

“I’m really happy to be back.” You beam.

0:00 ───|────── 0:00

“I guess it does look nice.” Jisung admits with a small smile. Heejin says a small “See?” before entering the building. He doesn’t even notice her and Mihee being long gone as he takes in the huge building. Once he does he gasps and scrambles to follow them. He looks around at the architecture. The slanted ceiling is a really cool addition, he thinks. He hears someone call out Heejin’s name and his attention lags behind again. A cafe in a country club… Heejin just made some rich friends it seems. He looks over finally at said rich friends.

Jisung can faintly hear one of them tell Heejin that she’s right on time. Each of them take turns shaking her hand and greeting her. Including a hallucination. She looks like you, she sounds like you, she gives a name that matches yours. She’s looking at him. You’re approaching him. He panics and runs back out of the doors. He breathes heavily, trying to stop his heart from exploding. He rests his hands over it as his breaths become louder, until they transition into soft cries. 

“Jisung?!” You say, moving closer to him. He looks up at you with intense, watery eyes and you back up suddenly.”J-Jisung, are you okay?” You ask with a heaviness he can’t quite grasp. You look like you’ll cry with him. Through your anguished joy at seeing him, you look great. You look healthy, well dressed and groomed. You’ve been here for less time than Heejin but you’re already shacked up with a group of rich friends. You’re thriving.

“I-I don’t even know where to start…” You say, confused at his intense stare. Jisung does.

“Were you in Incheon?” He hisses, straightening up to look you in the eyes. You’re shocked by the accusation laced within his words.

“Minho was in jail and I felt responsible. He did this because of me, I had to apologize–”

“I was the victim!” Jisung shouts against his better judgment. Hurt flashes on your face split second but he can’t stop. So many thoughts flip through his brain and he doesn’t think through any one of them. Your confusion doubles by this point.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t–”

“I got a concussion and hypothermia– f-fuck I’ve lost my goddamn mind looking for you!” He explains, desperate, angry, and crazed. Sadness overtakes him as he continues. “But none of that is even close to the emotional turmoil I went through without you. I know you don’t care about me– your own words– but do you not care about what you did to Minho?” He asks moronically. The words leave him and he immediately wants to apologize and beg for your forgiveness. But that want is far too distant. His anger is so close.

“Excuse me?!” You finally match his volume.

“If you did and it was still tearing you up, did you go and solve it on your own? With some other asshole while I suffered alone? You were the only thing that kept me sane and you left! You knew me and Jiwoo weren’t going to work out, why… why didn’t you wait?!” He pleads, flinching at the quick laugh you let out. A glossy sheen slowly envelops your eyes as you shake your head at him.

“Wait for what, Jisung?”

“Don’t act like you don’t remember.” Jisung closes in on you, lowering his volume but not his intensity. “We were the only ones who understood each other. The only people we could turn to and you–”

“It’s time to move past that, Jisung.”

Your unexpected answer, delivered in a delicate whisper, stomped out all the drive and anger he had. “Wh-what–”

“We’ve paid for what we did. It’s evident by all the burnt bridges from our past. Why we’re both here, miles away. I can’t keep relying on excuses for my behavior.” The twinkle of pain in his eyes softens you. For the first time in two years, you see Jisung. You can’t help reaching up and cupping both his cheeks. He huffs, more tears pouring from his eyes.

“I have to grow, Jisung.” 

He clenches his eyes shut, crying harder. “You can grow too–”

Jisung shakes his face away and your heart falls. “That’s easy for you to say. Your life is all sunshine and rainbows.” He replies bitterly. You scoff at his incorrect assumption.

“The whole reason I’m here is because I almost did something stupid that landed me in a psych ward. D’you really think I wasn’t suffering, too?” You ask as you drop your hands from his face. “When I first got here, I couldn’t get through an entire day without breaking down. I couldn’t even turn to mindless sex because I was scared. And I only wanted you.” You look down, ashamed at your admission. 

“I felt like– I still feel like I’m not a functional human and that everywhere I go I ruin lives. I feel that way because of you, Jisung.” 

Jisung takes the opportunity to be affronted by an accusation now. “Because of me?!”

“Yes!” You reply incredulously before laughing bitterly. “I’ve been abandoned my whole life. Either because someone dies or I push them away. I almost prefer that my parents died, because at least then I wouldn’t have to live with them choosing not to be in my life because I was a sad excuse of a person. I kept pushing Minho, testing him to see if he’d leave. And when he did… I thought for a moment things could be okay. Why?” Jisung realizes before you say it, closing his eyes regrettably. 

“Because I had you!” You shout. You laugh pathetically at your next thought. “I thought maybe witnessing the worst moment of my life would make you realize how much I needed you. And then you would smile on the phone while your girlfriend gushes about how excited she was to come home and be with you again.”

Jisung wanted to protest, wanted to tell you that he still cared about you and wanted to see you. But looking at the hurt in your eyes flashed him back to the day you walked out. The way he couldn’t find an answer when you asked him what he would do if Jiwoo put two and two together. The answer wasn’t obvious at that moment, but he knew the moment Jiwoo proposed that the answer was run to you.

“So if anyone should be grilling the other about being abandoned, it should be me.” You say, looking exhausted. Jisung feels utterly horrible. He finally finds you and this is what he does to you? You sniffle, wiping your eyes.

“But Jisung, I’m past that. I’m still fighting my demons but I won’t let them take control this time.” Your smile is a thin veil over your pain. 

“Do you want to get coffee?”

You both agree that you want to speak to each other alone, so you’re both nursing paper cups of instant coffee back at your motel.

“So you were living in that house?”

“The one I showed you?” You ask and he nods. You look around before nodding back. Jisung sighs, wondering if he should tell you just how he got hypothermia.

“Did you like it?” He asks, keeping his eyes on you.

“No.” You admit, solemnly shaking your head. “It turned out to be a bad choice.” 

“Seems like we’ve both got plenty of those to go around.” You both laugh at yourselves. As you settle into a brief silence, you remember what you saw posted to Jiwoo’s Facebook page last year.

“It seems like a lot of people were angry at you on Jiwoo’s page.” You bring up hesitantly. Jisung groans.

“Please. I do not want to talk about that.” Jisung strains. You look over at him and he dodges your gaze. You rest a hand on his knee.

“As soon as I saw you standing in the cafe, I wanted to crumble and just melt into your arms. Tell you all my shameless thoughts no one else would be willing to hear. Like the fact that my friend’s husband who made a move on me was objectively attractive and charming. And the fact that you wouldn’t even flinch would be comforting. But I don’t need my psychologist any more to tell me that that’s not healthy.” 

He finally meets your eyes. Hesitantly, but he still does it. His heart grows heavier as he finally realizes that Minho was right. He did ruin you. You made each other complacent. After Heejin confided in him, he wondered if the right thing to do then was to marry Jiwoo. That didn’t feel like the answer and he knows now that it wasn’t. It was for you both to do right by each other. The consequences of each other’s actions.

“I regret it.” Jisung starts. “Every single day the look on her face haunts me. If I wasn't a monster before, I was definitely a monster for leaving her at the altar.”

“Honestly I was shocked to learn that’s what you did. You’re right, I didn’t think you guys would work, but I thought maybe you’d get divorced after years of an unhappy marriage.” You reflect thoughtfully despite your harsh words. 

“That’s precisely what I was trying to avoid.” Jisung side eyes you playfully. 

“I mean, it’s good you cut it off before that, but you could’ve done it any other way. And maybe a liiiiittle sooner.”

“When? The night you left?” He inquires genuinely after brief amusement.

“Maybe not. Mostly because I think you should’ve done it out of respect for her and not to pursue me.” You note as you stare into your coffee. “But also because I feel like we needed the journey it took to get here.”

Jisung snorts. “I beg to differ. But I get what you mean.” You both chuckle lightly. “What um… what did you say to Minho when you visited him?” He asks, silently wondering just how reconciled you two are.

“I told him he was allowed to hate me but he shouldn’t hate himself.”

“It sounds like you guys wrapped that up neatly.” Jisung deduces while nodding his head.

“Now I would beg to differ.” You start, amused, “He was in jail. The worst part is that he exhibited signs that he would become violent on my behalf and I ignored them.”

“Has he assaulted someone before?” Jisung asks in disbelief. You nod slowly, finally deciding to take a sip of your coffee. You grimace at the bitter taste.

“His best friend.” You smack your lips before looking over at Jisung who is wincing. He makes a long hissing noise that feels like rubbing salt in the wound. However, after a little time, you feel lighter somehow. Acknowledging it won’t make it disappear, but nothing will. You take another sip.

“Is that your girlfriend? …Your kid?” It’s your turn to be nosy. You peek over at him and he laughs. 

“No, I haven’t been here for three years.” He stops laughing as he realizes the other component of that question. “And no. I don’t have a girlfriend.” He states, suddenly nervous as your eyes meet. 

“Are you? In a relationship?” Jisung sips his coffee before you stand up with a smile. You grab his cup to join yours, setting both on the tv stand. You sit back on the bed, closer this time. You grab the hand nearest to yours, slotting your fingers under his palm. 

“No.” You reply softly. He slides his hand to wrap his fingers around your thumb. You wrap yours over the back of his hand.

“If we’re going to do this…” He starts and you feel yourself getting excited. Your eyes flicker down to his lips, realizing you’ve been wanting to kiss him since you entered the motel. “Taking care of each other…” He clarifies. You say a soft “Oh” in realization before squeezing his hand. 

“We should be upfront with each other. What do we want? I’ll go first, I want to take things slow.” He says and you deflate a little. “How about you?”

“Um, right now?” You don’t notice that you’re bouncing your leg until he laughs at you and places his other hand on it.

“No, going forward.”

“Oh! Well… honestly as long as I’m with you, it doesn’t matter.” You answer honestly though impatiently. 

“Yeah?” He confirms quietly and you nod. “And right now?” His voice is hushed, dropping in pitch suddenly. Your eyes lower to his lips and his tongue peeks out between them. You give into the urge, leaning in before he makes an admonishing noise. He lets go of your hand to hold you by your shoulders. 

“No?” You say in the most heartbreaking disappointed voice. He laughs again, he can’t help it. He bites his lip before speaking.

“Lay down.”

You excitedly lay back onto the bed, awaiting further instruction. He slowly moves to your side, his cold hand sliding under your shirt and cardigan. You gasp in surprise, closing your eyes. 

“What about this is taking it slow?” He tsks, moving his hand back down and reversing his progress toward your breasts. You whimper, his hands on your skin igniting a feeling you haven’t felt in ages. His hand keeps moving until it breaches the band of your pants. You gasp excitedly as he dips a finger between your folds. 

“Oh my god…” He remarks his shock. His finger sinks deeper into the sea of your arousal. He removes his hand and quickly moves it to his lips. He savors the taste, his eyes fluttering shut. You hum a turbulent moan, clenches your thighs tight. He moves back to your legs, situating in between them before baring your lower half. He discards the garments carelessly in favor of your exposed core. He plants a kiss or two, however many it took before you started to groan in frustration. 

He suckles at your folds, encouraging your clit out. Once it’s free he wraps his lips around it. His lips smack wetly before releasing. He licks up your folds, gathering the bud back into his mouth. The friction he provides with his wet tongue and mouth has you lifting from the bed. You grunt at the tight tugging sensation in your stomach. Jisung switches to a rapid flicking of his tongue that sends you falling back to the bed. You suppress your writhing, feeling a strong fear of disrupting the pleasure. Your repeat short, gasped moans as you watch him.

His hunger grows as he guides you to your high. He slurps at your clit until you’re mewling a warning. You finally let yourself writhe as your first orgasm dawns on you.

“F-fuck I need to fuck you.” Jisung growls against your mound.

Jisung shoves his jeans and underwear down, his cock flopping upon being freed. He grabs the underside of your thighs and pushes your legs back before moving to your arms. He slowly urges them over your head as he heaves above you. “‘m gonna fill you up.” He breaths, his eyes tracing absent-mindedly over your features. You hum pleasantly at the action. 

He slides his legs forward and his tip hits your mound. You jolt in surprise and excitement. Jisung mirrors your drunken smile as he slides in. Your smile fades as your jaw drops open. 

“It’s been so long–” You sob, your legs dropping over his shoulders. “N-need it…”

Pleased, Jisung hums and grabs your hips. He starts slow and shallow, testing the waters, remembering how good you feel. You’re flooding around him, squeezing every time he breaches into new depths. Upon bottoming out your head drops to the bed, your hands splaying out against the headboard. You choke out a moan that sounds like it’s being forced from you.

“God, fuck!”

He finally starts smacking his hips toward you and you frantically cheer him on with crazed chanted yes’s. Jolts of electricity run up from his abdomen to his throat and out his mouth through an urgent groan. He leans down over you, his breath hitting your face before he kisses you. You can feel how hungry he is, not aware that you’re returning the same amount of hunger.

He pulls out and sinks back between your legs before you can process what had happened. He immediately starts lapping at your hardened clit like a madman. Your anguished moan is cut off as he eases three fingers into you. He sounds and feels desperate. His movements are frantic and he can’t stop moaning and humming against you. His saliva mixed with your arousal drips down to your asshole in a thick glob. Not that you can dwell on it much. Not when his tongue is moving so quickly and expertly against you. You can’t help thanking any high power that would listen that you decided to hear the girls out today. He thrusts his fingers inside you faster as he switches to sucking your clit with an obscenely loud noise. He uses his tongue to rub long strokes against your clit. 

You reach down and tug at his hair so hard you think you’ll rip some of it out. You’re both whimpering like puppies in heat. The entire bottom half of his face is practically submerged into your mound. You buck up into him as another orgasm rattles you. You release his hair to fist the comforter with a deep groan.

Jisung crawls back up to position his cock at your entrance. He kneels right over your hips, making it so he can drop his cock inside you with lethal force. He starts with an accelerated speed that has you squealing desperate pleas. His balls slap at your asshole, making the already lewd sound of your wetness even more disgusting. You both sound like crazed animals as you claw and grab at each other. One of his hands haphazardly grasps at your breast to anchor himself. 

A sudden wave of euphoria overcomes you as you recognize his telltale signs he’s close to cumming. He seems to notice something too, reaching down to wrap both his hands around your throat. As he squeezes you rocketed to your orgasm, your cunt spasming around his throbbing cock. He pumps his cum deep inside you, bottoming out two, three, four more times until he’s completely empty. 

It’s like a ray of sunshine cascades over the both of you as he pushes back inside and lays over you. He rolls you both onto your sides, pulling you close like he doesn’t plan on letting you leave.

0:00 ───|────── 0:00

As you observe Jisung across the room, you wonder silently if he knows he bites his knuckles when he’s nervous. He paces, visibly frustrated by the limitations of the small space. He flips and walks to the other wall, the phone in his hand now facing you. The dingy lights of the motel room fail to illuminate him as well as the sun that has long since set. Despite that, you still catch his eyes widening.

“H-hi! Um… is Jiwoo available?” After a very brief break, his knuckles are brought back up to reckon with his teeth. “Right, I’m an… old friend. I moved away– alright! Thank you.” Jisung is excited before the anxiety takes back the reins. He switches to his cuticles, needing something to tear at. Your stomach is twisting for him. 

He glances over at you for the first time since he agreed to do this. The terrified look in his eye makes you want to snatch the phone away and hold him, but instead you give him an encouraging smile. You nod and he nods back. 

“Hello? Ah… yeah. This is Jisung.” He flinches at what you presume to be an increase in volume. “I-I know. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“I am!” He responds desperately after a momentary pause. “But you don’t have to believe me. I was a coward… so I just wanted to do the right thing and give you closure.”

Jisung chews on his lip before his eyelids involuntarily close, almost like he was bracing himself for something and hated that he was. But as his mouth drops open and a look of hurt confusion twists his features. A tear rolls down Jisung’s cheek amidst the silence. 

“I am okay.” He assures her in slight disbelief only for him to laugh dryly seconds later. “That’s fair. I’d tell me to go fuck myself, too.”

Jisung shuffles and looks down at his feet. “And is he your boyfriend?”

You wince at how that sounds, only for Jisung to be immediately briefed on that fact. “N-no I didn’t mean it like that!” Jisung sighs, dropping his defensiveness. 

“You’re right. I was pretending to care about you. I was cruel.”

Jisung freezes suddenly, his face partially obstructed by shadow. “It was after we moved in together. I realized how different we were, but I wouldn’t let myself believe it. I wanted to change for you… or at least that’s what I told myself.” Jisung answers honestly despite sounding like he wants to do anything but. 

“I guess I thought being with you would make me less of an idiot. But me being an idiot was no excuse for what I did, Jiwoo. And I’m sorry.” He whispers as if he’s lost all his strength. It resurfaces momentarily as he tries to stop Jiwoo but then he takes the phone away from his ear.

After giving him some time, you turn to him. He faces vaguely in your direction, seeming ashamed of the tears threatening to spill. 

“Sh-she hung up–” Jisung starts only to get choked up. His head droops and you push off of the bed. You hurry to him and wrap your arms around him. His cries are quiet, just brief heavy breaths here and there. You rub his back. A few minutes of rocking back and forth encourages him to break the silence.

“I don’t want to leave.” He states weakly. 

“You can sleep here tonight, but I agree about taking it slow.” You pull back to look into his saddened eyes. You cup his cheek and he’s finally able to indulge in the tender gesture. You smile.

“We have time.”

end of act iii

skz masterlist

milestone celebration masterlist

[pixl-place]

as much as i have personal beef with nora for the way she does not gaf about the foxes or their trauma (this is a joke pls don’t come for me) i am honestly looking forward to the rest of the tsc trilogy to maybe redeem her for that, possibly positioning those books as a, sort of, foil to the main series. one thing i feel like people really don’t get about the main series is how deeply rooted in the trauma of its characters it is. like some of them are going through actively depicted trauma throughout the series. i think that’s another reason why there’s such a clear divide between the upper classmen and the monsters, because the upper classmen are already in the process of healing from or at least bettering themselves a little bit in terms of their trauma. the only time the monsters are even remotely close to that is andrew and aaron going to sessions with bee. for the most part, they’re actively going through events that are traumatic. the series is not about them healing, which is why i think a lot of the fandom becomes so divided about characterization, we are not necessary seeing them for their true selves, we are seeing them through the lens of unhealthy coping mechanisms and layers of pain. but back to my original point about tsc it really centers the idea of healing in a way that (don’t even get my started on the extra content 🙄) the foxes never get to experience in their books. i’ve seen a lot of people be like oh yeah i can’t wait for more angst, and yes, there’s no easy way to heal from trauma, it is extremely rough so there will undoubtedly be angst moments from jean and maybe even jeremy if we find out what’s up with him. but i think a really key thing to talk about is that the sadness is a jumping point for happiness and healing. like the romance aspect of the story is important because we are seeing them heal together and actually get good things ! sure it’s important that they do reflect on that trauma which will means that trauma is present in the books (angst hours) but i do really like that tsc is tame and “boring”, that they get boba and coffee, and get to live like normal college kids despite it all. i would really love more of the fandom to embrace that for the foxes too tbh. again with all love to her, i think nora accidentally built them into a trauma prison and it would be nice to see all of the characters escaping out of that.

tldr: i’m sick of people only liking this series for its sucky shit cause i would like to see characters healing depicted in media !! (esp to this quite accurate degree)

[valewritessss]

WHAT CABIN DO YOU THINK THE KOTLC CHARACTERS WOULD BE IN??

OKAY OKAY OKAY IVE BEEN READY FOR THIS ONE

Sophie- photographic memory is giving me Athena child, but she very well could be something else. It’s hard to tell when we’re talking about ability-based bc she has so many. Out of all the characters she’s the one I struggle the most with to assign a cabin

Dex- Hephaestus for obvious reasons, but also because Leo in hoo talks about being left out a lot and the fact that Dex gets less page time than Silveny says lots about that

Biana and Fitz- I think Fitz and Biana would both be Aphrodite kids bc a) they’re siblings so it makes sense for them to be the same cabin and b) it’s constantly mentioned how beautiful they are. I honestly think all of the Vackers would be. If any of them had charmspeak it would definitely be Alvar and maybe Fitz, which would give chance for such good Fitz rage. And like I said in my other post, Biana is a prime example of what the Aphrodite cabin would be like if written correctly and not just handed the “femininity makes me weak” role. She slays literally and figuratively.

Keefe- APOLLO APOLLO APOLLO (not just bc he’s blond just think about it really think about it) I want to explain but I can’t form the words so just think about it plsss

Marella- abilities would make her Hephaestus for sure, some of her personality traits would make her Aphrodite, but i don’t think she’d be a demigod I’d think she’d join the hunters of Artemis. OR OR OR she’s a child of Hephaestus and joins then joins the hunters (I forgot that was an option for a second)

Tam- so I looked into it and child of Hecate seems pretty good? I mean darkness and his ability with shadows is kind of eerie-like, and perfectly fit with Hecate. Also, the ability to control the mist sounds like a Tam thing

Linh- well, we’re all thinking it right? Poseidon. But less of the raging storm more of the gentle ocean waves kissing your feet and occasionally the raging storms. Like a touch of sadness and sorrow but easy to see the beauty in it so it’s not scary. Idk if that made sense Im spewing words here.

Wylie- I was thinking maybe Athena because he sees reason, you know? And I read Kotlc a very long time ago so I don’t remember much about him. He had that studious vibe to him idk. I’m going purely based off of feels rn😭

Stina- Nemesis. Okay okay, here me out. Girly holds her grudges, she’s a little mean, but she doesn’t let that stop her from helping Silveny whatever the motive may be. And if we’re thinking story wise, it’s like Ethan Nakamura if you squint but it’s there I can’t explain it. Seems bad, can be bad, but she’s proof that it’s never 100% bad, people have layers, like an onion

Maruca- Ares, and the reason is because she’s pretty bluntly honest, and she’s hella determined. Ares kids are mostly seen to be very frank, and that fits her perfectly. And her determination is a trait we can see in Clarisse(most of the time in the form of stubbornness, ahem, refusing to fight) but ofc in their world everything is sunshine and rainbows so determination, not stuborness. In all seriousness I mean determination because it fits her more than stubbornness but they’re similar traits. Idk I’m getting off topic

Those were all the characters I could think of at the top of my head and if you disagree with any let me know I just did these for fun nothing serious

I would love it if anyone wants to send me characters that I didn’t do and ill give them a cabin😊

[ineffable-sideburns]

In this post, I'm going to tie numerous observations on screen together to make a single season 3 prediction

it relies on this premise, which i'm about to build a case for:

the way the characters interact with the story is informed by the mythical/historical figures they are directly and indirectly coded as, but it’s not always in the way you’d expect, and some characters are coded in more than one way. we can still use these relationships as Clues to postulate where the story might go and how the characters will interact with one another.

this is by no means exhaustive, obviously. i’ve seen people say that Crowley is coded as Jesus, Aziraphale as Mary, and numerous other figures. i’m just pointing out some things i’ve noticed that I haven’t seen brought up as often.

we’ll start with Crowley, then go on to Sandalphon and Saraqael, then Gabriel, then Aziraphale. yes, it'll all lead up to something and i chose these characters in this order for a reason.

Crowley

so we obviously know he’s coded as Ashtoreth when he dresses up as Nanny Ashtoreth in season 1. yes, we will note that in the book, it’s very vaguely implied that Crowley and Aziraphale both hired Ashtoreth and Francis

in season 2, when trying to get the deets on bae, Beelzebub offers Crowley a “hefty” promotion and then later tells him “you could be a duke of hell".

in researching Beelzebub, at some point I found out about Milton's Unholy Trinity in Paradise Lost, which includes Lucifer, Beelzebub, and Astaroth as the first heirarchy in Hell, and which has (seemingly) lent that idea to demonology in general.

Astaroth is often referred to as the "Great Duke of Hell."

so now with season 2, Crowley has been coded in the show as both the feminine and masculine demons derived from the eastern goddess Astarte.

note: coded != Crowley is literally Astaroth/Ashtoreth. it means we can infer things about the story through the coding

the obvious would be him becoming a duke of Hell somehow in season 3. i personally am not convinced the story will take that route, and it would be sad to see him end up back in hell. this coding is the least compelling for me. it could just be a Milton reference, or maybe, since at this point in season 2, we don’t know why Beelzebub wants Gabriel, this could be a Clue that Beelzebub was sincere. maybe it just shows how powerful Crowley could have been if he’d accepted the deal. or maybe it just adds weight to parallel the decision Aziraphale makes later when offered his own position of power. people have analyzed Crowley and Ashtoreth/Astarte before, and the book/show discrepancy is always brought up, so i'm ignoring that and just addressing the added layer of Astaroth coding. anyway, let's move on to the more interesting observations.

Sandalphon and Saraqael

i’m doing these two together because i’ve found what i believe to be a major connection between them based on Neil’s answer to this ask, a shared trait their mythical figures have, and Saraqael’s actions in the show.

when Sandalphon is introduced in season 1, we learn that he was smiting and turning people into salt during Sodom and Gomorrah. then we see the direct connection Saraqael has with Sandalphon at the end of season 2, when Michael asks her to turn Maggie and Nina into salt pillars and her hand flys up.

but that’s not secret, is it?

you know what is, though?

the fact that she immediately recognizes Metatron in his human form, looks scared shitless for multiple shots, and then proceeds to act like it never happened when he starts addressing all the angels. she doesn’t let anyone know that she recognized him.

do check out this post by @most-normal-eccles-cake-ignorer with more shots and analysis of her reaction to Metatron.

still don’t believe me and think that reaction is nothing?

well, let me tell you something both the mythical figures Sandalphon and Saraqael have in common.

they both saw Metatron in his human form.

according to one source, Sandalphon was Metatron’s twin brother, and Sandalphon, like Metatron, was originally human.

in the book of 2 Enoch, Sariel/Saraqael was one of the angels who brought Enoch (human!Metatron) to Heaven.

if Sandalphon had been in that room at that moment, he’d also be secretly recognizing Metatron.

obligatory: remember what I said at the beginning of this post? we are using this coding to analyze the story and how the characters interact with it and eachother. you don’t believe that Sandalphon or Metatron were literally human at one point in GO? that’s fine. i’m just giving a reason why the author may have chosen Saraqael and Sandalphon to serve the same purpose in this scene

it isn’t crazy to think that a lot of the historical lore was used to inform the characters, and if you think it is, at least read about Gabriel first.

Gabriel

Gabriel is being coded…as the actual archangel (fucking) Gabriel. (and as Lord Jim from the novel of the same name by Joseph Conrad - the book Aziraphale glances at before choosing to call Gabriel Jim. but you can google the plot of Lord Jim and how it relates to Gabriel on your own time. it’s too much to get into right now.)

Gabriel is an archangel with the power to announce God’s will to mankind. He is associated with messages, vision, telecommunications, and revelation…

…and in the Bible he announces the birth of John the Baptist, and later, Jesus.

30 And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God.

31 And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name JESUS

Luke 1:30-31

"hey Sithis dude you will not believe this… God now grants that you may conceive seven more children…yippe!!”

let’s get back to that thing about him delivering messages and revelation though.

Gabriel starts off season 2 carrying a box to the book shop (that we think was empty but later find out had a fly in it as well as a message scrawled on the bottom about where his memory is)

he also tells Aziraphale that something terrible was going to happen to him so he had to give him something. you can take that as being the fly, and consciously it probably was, but throughout season 2 Gabriel is unconsciously and unintentionally giving other people messages.

ex.

technically, a message “delivered” (dropped) by Gabriel, found by Muriel

after Crowley not-so-nicely commands Gabriel to remember, Jimbriel says, in a voice that shifts to sound like God’s voice, “I remember when the morning stars sang together and all the angels of God shouted for joy." Crowley recognizes this as what God said to Job, and then another flashback of Job begins.

later, during another vision caused by Crowley mentioning the word tempest: "There will come a tempest then darkness and great storms and the dead will leave their graves and walk the earth once more, and there will be great lamentations... every day it's getting closer."

in the Hebrew Bible, Gabriel appears to the prophet Daniel, and explains his prophetic visions. in Good Omens though, Jim IS the prophet having prophetic visions through Gabriel.

when in the book shop with Aziraphale, Jimbriel starts to hum every day, which is what causes Aziraphale to search down the pub with the jukebox playing that song on repeat. we know from what Terry and Neil have said about every day that it’s the song of the apocalypse, but none of the characters know that, Gabriel included.

what does a song do?

each message the archangel of (fucking) messages delivers is unconscious. not how you’d expect him to live up to his name, right? of course, if they are actually God’s messages, it makes sense that they’re useless, vauge, and well, ineffable. one last thing: spiritually, Gabriel’s messages and prophecies are often believed to be delivered through dreams (or in other words, the unconscious)

edit: this post by @noneorother actually inspired me to look at the mythology of archangel Gabriel, so it’s crucial you check it out. i’ve also seen a post somewhere that posits Gabriel shouldn’t even have some of the memories that go by really quickly before the flashbacks of him and Beelzebub, but i lost the link to it.

edit II: just wanted to add this post by @drconstellation, which analyzes the symbols coded into Jimbriel's clothing.

Aziraphale

it’s hard to ignore the fact that Aziraphale’s name is similar to Raphael, and that we’re missing an archangel Raphael. i’ll link some analysis on the meaning of Aziraphale’s name and share a quote from Terry, but this has all been said before. i want to look at who Raphael is mythologically to see if there’s similarities in Aziraphale’s character, and i also want to see if we can find out the relationship between Gabriel and Aziraphale, and why the latter was a suitable replacement.

Terry said about the name's origin:

"It was made up but... er... from real ingredients. [The name] Aziraphale could be shoved in a list of 'real' angels and would fit right in..."

For instance, Islam recognizes the Archangels Jibril, Mikhail, Azrael (see also the annotation for p. 9 of Reaper Man ), and Israfel (the subject of Edgar Allan Poe's well-known poem of the same name), whereas from Christianity we get such names as Raphael, Gabriel, Michael, and Uriel.

the excerpt above was taken from here

NOW that that’s out of the way, who is archangel Raphael, the mythical figure?

Raphael’s name means “god heals.” it’s believed he helps people heal and overcome their struggles spiritually, physically, and mentally, and that he protects people on their journeys. he’s also considered to be the angel of joy, love, marriage, matchmaking, and travels.

as an example, in the Book of Tobit, God sends Raphael on a journey with a man named Tobias so that he can meet and woo his future wife. Raphael is also sent to heal her and Tobias’s blind, ageing father.

all the people and things i can count just off the top of my head that Aziraphale has healed or protected:

Anathema (healed)

Anathema’s bike (healed)

the dove he accidentally killed (technically healed by Crowley in the book)

Jimbriel (literally tells Jim he promised he would protect him)

Maggie and Nina when the demons enter the bookshop (tells them he will protect them)

bonus: in a scene cut from season 1, he stops a baby’s stroller from crashing

…and one he couldn’t:

collection of gifs of Aziraphale being full of joy:

you just have to look at Aziraphale smiling, especially at Crowley...

...to know that he represents joy and lo--

oh, but wait, he’s known for hooking people up, right? in case you forgot: Maggie and Nina va voom? originally his idea

similarly to the book of Tobit story I mentioned earlier, who did Aziraphale protect on his journey to meeting his beloved?

remember: the characters don't know they're being coded as anything and they don't know what kind of story they're in, so while Aziraphale didn't know he was going to be reuniting two lovers when he protected Jim, he played the role Neil made for him. it doesn't matter that he didn't know in the same way that it doesn't matter that Crowley could have (potentially) been powerful, or in the same way that it doesn't matter that Gabriel's messages were delivered unconsciously.

one more thing. Raphael heals people spiritually, physically, and mentally, right?

so is it any surprise that Aziraphale thinks he can heal the *ahem* spiritual corruption in Heaven?

we're going to tinfoil hat theory-land now ya'll, but I swear all of these observations are leading up to something cohesive...

Why did Aziraphale replace Gabriel?

i'll spare you all the long theories about Metatron's reasons, although i quite like the idea that Metatron was listening in ever since Aziraphale opened the portal to discorporate the demons attacking the bookshop, and he saw Aziraphale use his halo to declare war in order to protect Maggie and Nina. this shows Metatron that when pushed into a corner, or when it means protecting someone, he can force Aziraphale's hand...even to war.

But can we find a link between Gabriel and Raphael mythically to explain it instead?

if you've made it this far, you know i've got an answer for you. i withheld one detail about Gabriel earlier. in Christianity, he is often associated with blowing the trumpet at the end times to announce Judgment Day.

"okay, so?"

well, do you remember the quote from Terry and the excerpt from lspace I mentioned earlier? when mentioning the origins of Aziraphale's name, the excerpt mentions both angels in Islam and Christianity. the counterpart to Raphael in Islam, is Israfil/Israfel...

who blows the trumpet to signal the Day of Judgment.

"but Aziraphale wouldn't do that!"

he wouldn't intentionally do it. he's not a villain.

you remember who didn't intend to start the apocalypse in season 1, but who was there and given a role to play, regardless of whether he wanted to?

…the one who said no to heaven and hell and refused to be their pawn this time around when offered powerful positions by both?

Aziraphale, after nuking some demons with his halo, with painful foreshadowing: "I think I may have just started a war."

obligatory reiteration: the way the character-coding manifests is not literal, and it isn't always in the way you'd expect. there may be no literal trumpet. but i'm just pointing out the potential symmetry with season 1 in it being Aziraphale who "starts" apocalypse II.

one last thing: Raphael protects people on journeys, and helps them overcome their struggles — but now Aziraphale is on his own journey, and he will have to overcome his own moral struggles (ironically what Crowley helped him with)…alone.

[lady-clouves]

My genuine thoughts on episode one of House Of the Dragon, involving the Greens.

First off, Mysaria. Even with how fast paced I felt like the whole episode was one of the things I really enjoyed was how they changed Blood & Cheese. Since we found out about how much she cares about the small folk and especially their children I was very curious about how they would handle her being complicit in Jaehaerys death. And them changing it from her being the one to directly give the order to Blood & Cheese and instead making her the one who gives the connection to Daemon is a welcomed change. With watching small clips of the next episode I’m anxiously waiting to see what they’ll do with her character next.

While on the topic of Blood & cheese I gotta say I did in fact cry. It’s definitely not as gruesome as it was in the books but nevertheless it was still brutal. Now instead of choosing between two sons Helaena is forced to watch as her two children sleep peacefully as she is forced to tell 🩸&🧀 which child is Jaehaerys. This also leads me to the question on how they’re going to include Maelor if he’s going to exist at all, as well as how they’re going to navigate Helaena’s grief.

Now my most anticipated; Alicole. Genuinely was a little shocked by how the first time I see her she is quite literally in the middle of having getting eaten out by Criston Cole. And while I think that season one had some build up there personally just wasn’t enough for me to see that happen and be like “yes, this is totally normal”. Now I’m not gonna be one of those people who bring up the whole duty and sacrifice line, because honestly she did both and now she’s free of those obligations. But what’s most importantly the Alicole sex scene where Helaena walks in; I think it wasn’t needed but I can see how it’ll add a layer of guilt to both Alicent and Criston.

Criston and the Kings Guard need to get it together right now because first you let a Prince get maimed and now you let one get murdered (the kings heir no less) in their sleep with their mother, The QUEEN, and their sister in the room!!!

Aegon was…surprising a little amusing. He definitely added a layer of humor to what is a sad episode and it definitely let his character shine through. He’s a humorous guy who understands to some degree that if he wants any type of support he needs to have the small folk of Kings Landing on his side. So….round of applause to King of the small folk everybody!?

My baby Jaehaerys you and your antics will be missed. May you rest in peace with the knowledge your dad went murderous after you died.

Overall, the Greens had quite a bit going on and I do believe show runners were trying to make up for a lot of wasted time in season one by cramming it all into one episode. The whole episode felt like a rushed soap opera to me but the visuals were great this season.

[capobegone]

What I think Kny Character’s Spiritual Realms would look like

Alright, we all remember the spiritual realms of Kyojuro and the Kamaboko crew:

I was thinking about these the other day, and it got me wondering: if Enmu somehow had a way to get into the mind of the other main figures of the Demon Slayer Corps…what would their spiritual realms look like??

And this is what I came up with!

Kagaya: just a giant, epic library. His spiritual core would be a Regina music box, if you’ve ever seen one of those. Like the core would be the disc itself. I have no explanation for this other than it would be sick as hell. The guardian would be his childhood self before he became Oyakata-sama, like in the lil kimono and everything. I think he’s the type to have some level of awareness over his own consciousness, so it would make sense to have a manifestation of himself.

Gyoumei: Mountain clearing with bigass, thunderous waterfalls. Kind of like where they did his Hashira Training! His spiritual core would be inside of a humble little temple. Protected by big stone statues.

Muichiro: Essentially a bit of a void. Very foggy and nearly impossible to navigate. However, I believe that his spiritual core would actually be nice, probably in a little pocket of peaceful forest among the fog. I think it would be a nice autumn forest, like his childhood home. Because his true self is essentially lost in his subconscious, I think that would be reflected in his spiritual core. Maybe a manifestation of himself as a child—or maybe of Yuichiro instead? Who’s to say?

Giyuu: I think his spiritual realm would be unexpectedly pleasant. A nice lake like the ones on Mt Sagiri, maybe in early spring. His spiritual core would be protected by Sabito. Not necessarily Sabito’s actual spirit, but a manifestation of him that Giyuu holds dear to his heart and soul.

Shinobu: Shinobu’s spiritual realm would probably be quite a sad place. I would imagine some rubble and calamity due to all of the anger she represses in there. However, there would also be beauty in the wreckage. Little butterflies, medicinal plants, etc. I could see her spiritual core as being quite strong, seeing as she is one of the best at holding herself together and hiding her true emotions out of all the Hashira.

Obanai: I think his spiritual core would be very gentle. Under all the layers of awful self loathing and “cursed blood”, he’s really just a boy who wants to be loved. I do think it would be pretty well guarded, though—my first instinct is big dark forest, although I’m not totally sure why. Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s got a giant serpent in there to protect it. (Bonus: Kaburamaru’s spiritual realm is probably a peaceful little tree, like the one that he and bestie Obanai hang out in for Pillar meetings. I think he would like to drape himself over the branches if he could.)

Mitsuri: Cherry trees. Absolutely 100% cherry trees. Like, you know that scene in season 2 where Kagaya is talking to Tengen and his wives by the cherry tree with that pretty bridge? Yeah, just like that. I think Mitsuri’s would be similar to Tanjiro’s in that it doesn’t have anything guarding it. She has so much love to give to everyone, and is so willing to trust other people, that I really think her spiritual realm would be very joyous and open to visitors!

Tengen: Big time fireworks. Super flashy. Would probably give any intruder a seizure from all of the unbridled flamboyance, which serves as protection on its own. I’m getting nighttime city summer festival from him, but bumped up about ten notches.

Sanemi: His outer realm would be TERRIFYING. I feel like his feral ass would be like Zenitsu and manifest in his own subconscious to torment any intruders. My gut says mountain setting, terrible weather, being hunted by an enraged Wind Pillar. Yikes. At his very core, though, I think there would be a little pocket of light. This is where he stores all of his love for his brother and lost family, which he never allows to see the light of day.

Nezuko: I wonder if hers would be different because she’s a demon? Based off all of her interpretations of the world in relation to her lost family, I think that her spiritual core would be similar to her childhood home in the mountains. Perhaps her human consciousness would reside there, hidden away in the subconscious realm like Muichiro.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve got for now!! Let me know if I forgot any of your favs or if y’all have any ideas because I wanna hear them✨

[70swizards]

remus hcs i’m begging

your wish is my command

my remus hcs :)

he’s hyperlexic, he learned to read and talk really really young by copying sounds around him (echolalia) and associating them to the written language

he’s trans :((( it’s one of the many reasons he and reg bonded so well in like third / fourth year (in an au where canon is… well… nothing)

has the worst daddy issues on the planet, like idk but if my dad locked me in a freezer every for hours durinf my most vulnerable nights i’d definitely feel the same-

he wears armbands starting third year and Never takes them off, his excuse being “it’s a fashion statement”

lowk needs glasses but will never fucking admit it or get his eyes checked, he's always Squinting while reading and ends up getting headaches

refuses pain meds because he's built tolerance and is afraid to for other meds

his eyes display so much emotion, and they're often covered by his hair (cute little sandy ringlets) the moment he's sad or embarrassed or uncomfortable you can tell by his eyes

so insecure of his scars he's constantly trying to hide them

when he gets the big scars across his face in fourth year, he stops looking at people while talking, he always finds a way to seem busy or distracted, but he just can't get himself to keep looking, he can't let them stare

his hugs were just as warm as those fucking jumpers he always had on. he Hates physical touch, mostly from trauma, but if you're a close friend and manage to get a hug from him you will become an addict.

he will never buy anything his size, always larger. even if he's constantly wearing a binder, he doesn't think its enough. in summer its oversized tees and armbands, in winter its jumpers

so unnecessarily sarcastic it's hilarious. he will Always have a retort ready, count on it

he's constantly biting his lips and making them bleed, and it gets far worse when he's anxious

uses baby perfume (zwitsal) so he always just smells clean and soapy rather than a signature cologne scent (because transphobic parents and he couldn't ever get himself to put on "feminine" scents, he's cry for hours and have to shower, but could never get cologne, so... middle ground)

he drinks his coffee with so much milk and sugar you quesrion if you could even count it as coffee at that point

adores drinking tea before bed, a habit he built after effie woukd make him her chamomile tea for his stomach aches when he’d stay over in the summer, and irs just so much better in the winter

has so many freckles, like everywhere. thehre so concentrated on his shoulders

cant see himself ever ruining a book by bending its pages and breaking the spine (yes he annotates and people think he’s writing down incredibly intellectual things when most his annotations are just him calling characters gay) but is disappointed when his books don’t look worn out when he’s done reading them

is Always wearing socks, you’ll never catch this man without them, and Yes he sleeps in socks

always wearing a million layers, he gets cold so fast irs hilarious

okay that’s enough for now but i coukd go on forvever istg, so sorry for the late response bht thank you for sending something in! <3

[realclemhours]

Hi alright take another ramble because I watched the newest episode of the Game Grumps Danganronpa V3 playthrough and this is more of just an introspective dive into my feelings about this trial since I read through some comments and I wanna get my feelings out there.

Idk spoilers for V3 trial one under the cut

Okay so as I said above I both read the comments for the latest episode of the Grumps Playthrough and watched their reactions, and that made me realize that this trial is pretty polarizing and I 100% get why.

The clues leading up to the twist and the murder itself are sloppy and kind of confusing. It’s such a left turn because after you play for this character, who is the first mainline girl Danganronpa protag btw, for only one chapter with seemingly no indication she is now suddenly the murderer you guys have been looking for the whole time. To add insult to injury, the new protagonist is now the guy sidekick, so yeah not great.

However- despite all it’s misses, despite how I know this trial is objectively sloppy, I still really get into Chapter 1 of V3. Even knowing what was coming and seeing Dan and Arin’s rightful confusion in live time, I still felt dread leading up to the reveal. I felt genuine dread and sadness to a sloppy twist I knew was coming, and I think that’s because despite all of V3’s many many many flaws I’m invested in Kaede and Shuichi as characters.

I’m invested in watching a protagonist slowly being lead into the very game she swore against out of desperation to save everyone. I’m invested in Shuichi’s trauma and him slowly picking up on the fact the Kaede did it, but being unable to say anything for the longest time due to how much he cares about her and his trauma. I’m invested in how despite Kaede going into a death march she still has a class trial in one last attempt to save everyone and how she uses her final moments to build up Shuichi’s confidence for his own sake and for the sake of the survival of everyone else. I’m invested in them both breaking down crying blaming themselves. I’m invested in how Kaede in her final moments pushes on her will to save everyone onto Shuichi, not realizing how intense a final wish like that could be and how he struggles with it for the rest of the game. And I’m invested in that final goodbye in Kaede’s lab, with Claire De Lune playing in the back as he mourns the loss of someone who, despite only knowing her for a few days, changed his life.

V3 trial 1 has a very strong emotional core. I think it’s the strongest one out of the whole franchise tbh (that doesn’t equal best btw I think V3 trial 4 or 5 are objectively better), but a lot of that gets muddied with an upsetting twist and a confusing murder, so I get why a lot of people don’t like this trial. However, I really love this trial even after all these years and going through the Danganronpa series again and realizing I find a lot of it mid.

That’s kinda how I feel about V3 as a whole honestly. It’s an objectively bad game with sloppy writing, a lot of filler dialogue, and some gross problematic stuff. I would never recommend this game to anyone in a million years, yet under layers and layers and layers and layers of hot garbage, there’s some moments that really do shine to me. Not for everyone, but for me they do.

That’s why I love V3 Chapter 1 and V3 as a whole so much, despite everything. It made me captivated with a handful of characters and moments even if the overall quality was bad. Growing up is realizing that not everything you like is of good quality and that’s okay. “My Class Trial Our Class Trial”, and by extension V3 as a whole, just so happened to be the media to make me realize that.

[jackwhiteprophetic]

My controversial 9-1-1 opinion is that Buck is one of the least interesting characters on the show. Don’t get me wrong, he is complex and interesting but the type of character he is and oftentimes reduced to (sunshine golden retriever boy, abandonment issues, humour to cope and uses false confidence and cockiness to hide the fact he’s deeply insecure) is common and you can find at least one character in almost any media who pretty much matches that description. Usually those characters are also a fandom favourite and you can never escape them.

The clear favouritism for Buck in the fandom also undermines a lot of the incredible things this show has done for representation. “Omg the white guy kissed another white guy! This is revolutionary and the greatest thing to happen on the show!” (Ik I’m simplifying it).

That’s cool, personally I think one of the greatest things to happen on the show is the representation of an abusive relationship and how that trauma impacts a person for years and isn’t fixed in a night after finding the perfect guy. I also think representing postpartum depression was also quite revolutionary and made my mum feel comfortable enough to open up to me about how she had postpartum depression after my sister was born. Like my mum is 50 years old and this silly firefighter show made her feel seen. THAT’S what representation is for.

Regarding LGBTQ+ representation, I think the HAPPILY MARRIED BLACK LESBIAN COUPLE WITH CHILDREN (Mara we’re getting you home) is something never seen in mainstream media, firstly because there are hardly any sapphic relationships and secondly because those sapphic relationships hardly include women of colour.

This is an ensemble and I feel like a lot of people forget that. I’m also still annoyed that when Buck was confirmed bisexual, major article companies acted like this was the first time 9-1-1 had established 1) a queer character and 2) a queer couple.

Henren ran so BT could stumble around and fall flat on its face.

Interesting... We definitely share some of the same views on things, but I do find Buck really interesting as a character now!!! I find Buck and Eddie soooo interesting mainly because I have read probably millions of words of character study on them. Also when I first watched I didn't find Buck suuuper interesting up until the saviour baby arc, which adds so many layers of complexity to his behaviour across all seasons!!!

I really hope there is a greater focus on Maddie next season!!!! Also I think one of the major flaws with S7, because it was written very quickly and they knew they would have to move scenes across episodes is that they didn't really mix storylines massively, so it wasn't very cohesive and we didn't really get to see the 118 as a whole family properly. The pairings we had were Buck and Eddie, Henren and Madney and Bobby and Athena, and that was kind of consistent throughout. Next season I'm really hoping that they can switch up dynamics at least for a few storylines, BC I miss when we would see scenes of like Buck and Chim, or Athena and Hen, which they stopped doing as much once Bathena happened, because they no longer needed Hen as a link between Athena and the 118. WHICH IS SO SAD! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

ALSO SORRY THIS ISNT VERY WELL STRUCTURED BUT CAN THEY LET HENREN BE HAPPY PLEASE!!!! Kind of sick of their storylines being "oh no someone is threatening our family" because it just paints their family as unstable and they don't deserve that!!! I want silly storylines PLEASE!

But yes the centering of Buck (and sometimes the other guy who I will not name BC I don't wanna piss ppl off) by SOME people in the fandom ANGERS ME GREATLY. ESPECIALLY with the whole Gerrard thing, where the comments on the IG post were FLOODED with people talking about Tommy (named him here oh well). And people talking about how everyone is gonna defend Buck because if Gerrard even looks at Buck they're gonna throw hands! I'M SORRY WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU MORE DEFENSIVE OVER BUCK THAN CHIMNEY OR HEN, WHO HAVE ALREADY BOTH BEEN TARGETED AND HARASSED AND BULLIED BY GERRARD? WHY ARE YOU MORE DEFENSIVE OVER TOMMY THAN CHIM OR HEN? It fucking disgusts me. The way that Tommy literally was introduced in S2 as a PLOT DEVICE to show how 'bystanders' (he was barely a bystander, more an active participant) in workplace racism and bullying are still so fucking dangerous and disgusting and wrong. And he was so fucking disgusting to both Hen and Chim, bear in mind they have a fucking dangerous job, if CHIM had been in that building Tommy would have absolutely left him to die. WORKPLACE RACISM IN LIFE OR DEATH JOBS LEADS TO PEOPLE BEING FUCKING LEFT TO DIE. And people are more defensive over Tommy being potentially harassed by Gerrard and than they ever were over Hen or Chim. As a white person I am so fucking sorry, this fandom has not lately been a safe space for pocs and the fucking lengths people go to to justify both the character and the actor are so fucking strange. White queer people should do fucking better than this. It is the bare fucking minimum to not be racist or not have been publicly racist in the past. Why not ask for a better fucking standard? ALSO with the actor, if you're trying to fucking argue that he's not like that any more, SHOW ME that he is a fucking anti racist and that he is fucking defending minority groups and that he understands the weight of his actions. SHOW ME how he understands his privilege and uses his platform and the money he is given to donate to and fund the protection of these groups. It is fucking sickening that people have decided they can defend or ignore or tolerate this man and it DISGUSTS ME that they have happily created an environment where people can't feel fucking safe or supported or heard.

The focus on that character is so fucking weird given the lack of screen time he has had, I'm really gonna stop talking about him at all soon because it gives him way too much weight. But it's disgusting. The way some people have to find a way to write Eddie and Chris out of Buck's life and rewrite over canon to bring more focus onto this man astounds me.

As a (lesbian? Idk not currently sure but kinda) queer person, Henren are such beautiful representation and I love them so much and ALSO the foundation of the whole show is basically found family. If you want to only focus on Buck then that's fine I guess, but it is literally written into canon that the family around him mean FUCKING EVERYTHING TO HIM so it's weird that people barely fucking look at it at all.

Anyway sorry I greatly appreciated your message and idk if all of this is related or relevant and it is not well structured but I was just feeling ranty and was inspired by you! I love you and I hope you have a brilliant day!

[acewithobsessions]

Headcanon ask game yayyy I love it!

I’m thinking what if Thomas went back to his parents’ house to tell his dad and mom he was leaving Britain forever to live with his partner in America. Because he knew he would never see them alive again. Although he very much knew his father would deny him once more, he just hoped maybe in his father’s twilight years, he would finally accept who his son was.

In my mind, Thomas really craved his father’s approval more than anything. That was projected to Carson since Downton became his home. But all was rooted in his father. So he wanted to have this one last chance to turn things around. Because Thomas knew that this was the only way he could truly accept himself, no matter what others think of him now.

I think when you watch Thomas’ expressions, even when he was invited back to be the butler, or when he smiled at Guy after he resigned, you can still see there was a glimpse of sadness behind his eyes. Maybe that was why.

So, do you think Thomas and his father could be reconciled with each other? And how about his mother? I think she would be more accepting (or perhaps she didn’t really care much idk)? Somehow I got the idea that Thomas was the only boy in the Barrow family so it mattered more to his father. Anyway, please tell me what you think <3

Oh man YES!!!!! (For some reason, as soon as you said it, I pictured the scene from les mis where Marius asks his dad for permission to marry Cosette??)

That part about Carson? Yes, PREACH. I love love love it when people pick up on this. It's one of the most fascinating bits of his character, imo.

Ok so in my personal headcanon, the reason he started work a bit later than was typical (he did this right??) is because his mother died, meaning there was no longer any sense of security at home. (Also because from what I remember, he talks about her in the past tense.) But if she were still alive, that adds even more layers to the whole thing. I'll have to set aside half an hour of my usual pacing to think about this lol

I'd imagine he shows up to their house kind of stiff, with a sort of "f*ck it" attitude. Guy's not there. He understands that this is something Thomas has to do by himself, and Thomas wasn't exactly eager to let him meet his parents, either.

There's no small talk -- he barely even comes inside. He just finds his parents and deadpans, "I'm leaving."

"What?" his mother asks, a little bit breathless.

"I'm leaving," he repeats. "I've got a beau and I'm going to America with him."

There's a familiar flash of anger across his father's face, but he looks so tired that it swallows it right up. He stands up and leaves. For a second, Thomas wonders if he's found ways to keep his thunderstorm inside, to stop it from raging and having the lightning strike others. He wonders if it makes a difference. It doesn't, he decides, but all the same, it's good to know.

(He wonders if he knows just how much the storm can hurt you when it is stuck inside.)

His mother asks him questions until she is satisfied. She doesn't approve, he knows that. But she knows her son is happy, and maybe enough of her cares that her disapproval isn't the most important thing to her anymore.

He finds his father leaning over the table, staring into space. He starts into his pre-prepared spiel - I'm sorry if I've disappointed you, this is who I am, blah blah etc - but his father cuts him off.

"I'm not happy for you." He still won't look up. "But truth be told, I don't think I'd have been happy for you if you'd settled down like the rest of us. I don't think I'd have been happy with anyone." Finally, finally, he looks up. They have the same eyes. How has Thomas never noticed this before? "You survived me. I guess that's as close to close as we're going to get."

Is he high? Maybe he's drunk. He looks sober enough, but Thomas can't connect this person with the image of his father he has in his mind.

Thomas leaves without feeling as though anything's been accomplished, but nothing got worse. Pick your battles and all that. Just as he's leaving, he thinks that maybe, maybe, his father's storm has blown itself out.

Ough, sorry, I wasn't actually trying to write anything. Anyways, all in all, I'd absolutely love to see this kinda thing, whether it goes horribly or not. (Tbh, I think his dad being so articulate in this iteration points to how he's been thinking about this for a while. Which is probably optimistic. So this is one of the better situations...)

Tysm for the ask!! Wonderful idea :D

[royalsweetteaa]

This is a sad thought but what about a HC where y/n catches the men crying? How will they respond? :(

NOOOO please this will break my heart but I’m kind of craving some angst so…I guess I want my heart broken. What I’m kind of gathering is they were lowkey trying to ‘hide themselves’ from reader while crying so I’ll write their reactions of being caught as they’re high on sad emotions.

Pairing: cevans characters x gf!reader

Ransom Drysdale

Ransom would turn his face away, hoping you hadn’t noticed anything different about him, but he quickly realizes you had seen him and he would let out a shaky sigh. “Fuck,…you weren’t supposed to see me like this..” He says while chuckling, but it’s forced as he’s just feeling very awkward about the situation, on top of his sadness. He hasn’t shown his vulnerability to anyone since he was a child, so it takes a lot to swallow his pride and accept he has been caught, - though he doesn’t mind as much as expected since it’s only you, his girl, who’s witnessing him in such a vulnerable state. He’d still play off relaxed and carefree to cover up his internal breakdown.

Johnny Storm

Johnny would be like a deer in headlights, and deny he was crying, saying something in the lines of; “-I’m fine! Hahah, I’m not crying, I just…I had something in my eye and…” his voice is choked before he can complete his sentence and he swallows a sob as his fake smile fades, facing with the fact that he had been caught being vulnerable. “Shit…this is embarrassing. I’m not supposed to cry,…I..- I’m a hero for fuck’s sake.” He’ll say, more tears spilling than he can wipe off. He isn’t good at hiding his emotions - just like his excitement and pride, his sadness isn’t easy to cover up when it hits hard.

Steve Rogers

Steve wouldn’t intentionally hide his sorrow away from you. It would be more like he had in a moment of thinking while alone started crying as something bugs him, and if you show up while that happens, he’ll be straight up honest about it. “It’s just one of those days…don’t worry about it, my love. I’ll be…I’ll be fine.” Steve explains reassuringly, not wanting to get into the details yet as he’s letting the tears fall. He doesn’t have a shaky nor hoarse voice, - the tears are the only proof he’s in a sad mood. He’s very composed, but that doesn’t level down his sorrow compared to the others.

Jake Jensen

Jake would be embarrassed if caught while shedding tears but he would be the first one to seek your comfort. First thing he would do when he realizes you’re in his presence is to do a double take before he stands up, slowly walks over to you and hugging you tightly, only if you’ll allow him to. “I’m feeling so fucking down and…fuck, I thought I could contain it but I can’t anymore…” He’ll admit, feeling weak but he knows he’s safe being vulnerable with you.

Bryce Langley

Bryce would be defensive once he realizes he’s caught in a moment of his sorrow, but not in a mean way. “Nothing’s wrong,….I want to be alone.” He would simply say, at loss of other words as he feels another layer of emotion beyond sadness; shame. He doesn’t express his unhappiness much, and he’s usually the one to be so upbeat and make people feel better. So when he’s seen like this even in front of his girlfriend for the first time, it’s as if he feels like he’s failed her of keeping that usual positive persona.

Andy Barber & Ari Levinson

Andy and Ari would respond to you catching them crying somewhat similar. They would first take note of your worried face and they would wipe their faces dry as they respond something in the lines of, “Sorry sweetie, don’t mean to worry you. My thoughts are kind of running at the moment and…well, this is a result of that…”, wanting to reassure you there’s no ‘catastrophe’ going on. They’re aware they don’t cry often, and they can imagine your mind wandering when you catch them in such a state. While they only moments ago were feeling upset about something, their concern is moved over to you, which may be the reason why they don’t find themselves crying much anyway. The times they do cry though is when they feel very vulnerable, but not too vulnerable to hide their feelings away from you.

Bonus: You would of course in response of all these comfort them like the good girlfriend you are, and they would appreciate that very much (some probably not in the heat of the moment *cough cough* Ransom & Bryce *cough cough* but in the end they certainly would)!

Hearts & Reblogs are very appreciated! <3

[sizzleissues]

Thoughts on conformation and recreation

Going to put heavy spoilers and theory stuff under a cut but just starting off saying I liked it. I do feel negative about certain aspects but I’m 90% certain that was intended. We’re supposed to be going ‘wait a minute’ about this ending.

The action was amazing and the animation gorgeous in parts. I really like BugNoire’s design.

Overall it didn’t disappoint me which I feel is the only thing and ending shouldn’t do. You can happy, mad, sad etc. about an ending but those emotions are most of the time intentional. But if it comes with disappointment then something has gone wrong. (Excluding minor stuff)

Anyway time to get specific

I love the mystery we still have with all that happened. I think it’s concluded what needed to end and left us with questions to answer in the following two seasons.

Are we supposed to think this was a ‘good/happy’ ending?

What’s up with Gimmi?

Will Marinette tell Adrien/ will Adrien find out and how will it impact both of them?

Is it Emilie or Amelie?

Who the heck visited Lila at the end?

What’s going to happen next?

Those are the questions I see people asking and trying to answer. None of those questions feel unanswerable and it’s plenty of fodder for speculation and fics in the coming year as we wait for season 6. I do want to know whether the special is pre or post season 5 because that will definitely affect things. I can’t see the reveal happening in a special but it’s certainly something to think about.

I think what made the finale special is the many layers it has, things that at first viewing you might miss. For example I saw someone in the last hour point out Marinette quite literally had a nightmare about what would happen if she reacted harshly (aka killed that motherfucker gabe) towards Monarch. Even though Marinette is shown to be an empathetic character and would probably try to talk it out anyway if she saw victory through it, that nightmare definitely pushed her to be more trusting.

In a way it worked. I believe that Gabriel’s wish was to trade his life for Nathalie’s and be able to join Emile. Marinette’s passion sort of proved to him that there were people who cared about Adrien still around even though he’d run out of time by the time he’d realised that neither Emile or Adrien wanted this.

He’s still a villain, he died a villain but that minor change of heart (as he said to Gimmi for his desire to simply read his heart) ensured Adrien would have Nathalie as a parental figure, maybe even bringing Amelie over to take more active care in her nephew and the freedom to be with Marinette, a girl who proved in Gabriel’s last moments that she would love Adrien no matter what. He’s still a villain in that his narcism demanded Marinette not to reveal the truth, remade the world to praise him for his sacrifice and probably a whole bunch of other issues that will unravel in season 6.

(In terms of him and Emile ascending, I don’t believe Gabriel got to go to ‘heaven’ or dragged Emile down to ‘hell’. He just got to be with her and got to have a peaceful death where they can be buried side by side. He isn’t getting an eternal reward for this.)

((If turns out to be Emile alive we’ll just have to see))

Whatever happened, there is obviously something wrong with this new world. It goes against all the motifs set up in previous episodes. I agree with the consensus that we are not supposed to feel entirely good about this ending. Uneasy for the future, nervous for Adrienette, curious about how it’ll unfold.

My feelings about the finale will probably change with season 6 coming out.

(Istg if when Lila-moth is taken down it’s not both Adrien and Marinette I will scream. Let them defeat her together. I get why they couldn’t be together for Gabriel, Adrien would still freak (especially with the nightmares) and he’s still under Gabriel’s control. I’d hoped they’d make it work but I think all the previous reveals/endings proved they couldn’t both take him down. Adrien would be made too fragile and Gabriel is difficult to reason with. I think the only thing that made him a little bit more able to listen to reason was because he was dying so the wish would have had to fix that too etc.)

[1000dactyls]

i want to consume your art into my very soul by the way. it’s amazing and you draw them so well!!!

also yeah i love seeing your headcannons and ideas about trans astrid because i feel like we don’t get that a lot in the fandom. it’s very interesting to see how you perceive astrid’s growth as a character from building herself into the most fearsome warrior of her generation and that all being torn down, and how she finally has her girlhood but doesn’t know what to do with it

anyway ty for reading this rambly ask!!

hello i am so sorry for having this sit in my inbox for so long!!!! I really wanted to think of a good response to this ;___; it means a lot that you enjoy my art and how i draw them. I’m still working on aligning the dragon riders’ younger teen selves to how they appear in httyd2, i think, but hopefully drawing more of them will mean that their shape language also begins to come naturally to me…. I HOPE……….

i think trans astrid having 3 fics on ao3 is hugely a shame and the lack of it in the fandom makes me so sad. not that i think a lot of astrid characterizations are the best, anyways… astrid is one of those characters that i think is hard to nail down, in part because canon itself doesn’t really know what to do with her — is she the girl that the hero gets? is she the heart of the team? is she a girlboss? is she a damsel? the series kind of loses itself here trying to answer these questions. but i think the most compelling and consistent narrative about astrid is her coming of age: how she navigates being a member of a community shaped overwhelmingly by loss now faced with sudden abundance

and i think trans astrid in specific is one of the most fun lens you could explore that arc through, in part because you get to explore the httyd-verse with questions like “how are queer people who are not the child of the chief of berk treated” (not that berk, in my head, cares all that much for what bits you’re born with). but if astrid’s most consistent piece of core characterization is her finding her way to adulthood when she hasn’t quite fleshed out what childhood means to her, then giving another layer to her finding out what exactly “girlhood” means in all senses of the word can only be a fruitful experience.

at least, that’s the way i view it! especially since astrid is so much the it girl on berk — except berk’s it girl can’t cook and puts on smudgy dark eye makeup and wears skirts that seem impossible to sit in and reaches up to touch the clouds that always seemed impossible to reach. so in some ways, astrid’s figured out bits and pieces of what girlhood means to her. now she just has to figure out the rest of it

[zepskies]

I am so happy to see your posts about Dark Angel! I love that show so much, it’s definitely one of my all time favorites, and I’m glad to see you’re enjoying it.

I was wondering what your thought are so far and who your favorite characters are if you don’t mind answering (for me Alec is definitely my number 1 but I really love Zack, Joshua, Original Cindy, and Sketchy for sure.)

Also I was wondering if you’ve seen season 2 episode 11 (The Berrisford Agenda specifically) what you thought of it? If not, I’d love the hear your thoughts when you do watch it:)

Hey lovely!!

Yesss I'm midway through season 2 of Dark Angel and I love this show. I wonder why it was cancelled. The writing was strong enough, the world is so interesting, the cast is great...maybe it just didn't have a broad enough audience at the time.

There were a couple of sci-fi shows like this that got cut too soon in the early 2000s (like Almost Human with Karl Urban and Michael Ealy).

My thoughts so far are that despite the relative simplicity of Max's "everyday" life as a Jam Pony messenger with her ragtag group of friends, this is a big show in a decaying dystopian world -- with interesting (and often horrific) elements of human experimentation, childhood trauma and indoctrination, and a struggle for transgenics like Max and Alec to form emotional connections because of that trauma (their training). It's very Winter Soldier-esque in a way.

And then with Joshua's character, they reinforce in season 2 one of the central themes of the whole show: people are confused by (and afraid of) what they don't understand. It leads Max and other transgenics to hide in plain sight. To try to live "normal" lives while trying not to expose themselves to the curiosity and the potential scorn of the world -- as well as the people trying to hunt them down; there's that too.

But similar to the show Being Human (also of the early-mid 2000s), what does it mean to be normal in society? Especially in this fallen, eat-or-be-eaten world after the Pulse.

My favorite characters:

The entire cast is awesome, but these characters really have my heart for real:

Alec

I mean duh. 🤣 But not just because it's baby Jensen. Alec's character is complex. He's cocky and endlessly flirtatious. (His brother/sister-like bickering with Max is hilarious.) He's highly intelligent and adaptive to change, due to his genetics and training, but because of that cockiness he can also be reckless. It gets him into some "unforeseen situations" that Max has to pull him out of.

But I literally just watched 2.11 "The Barrisford Agenda" last night, and I wept like a little bitch. 😭💔 Not only did we get Meghan Ory guest starring as his first love (she would later guest star on SPN and was Little Red Riding Hood/Ruby on OUAT)...

We also got the layers peeled back on this guy, to reveal just how deeply Manticore fucked with his mind. Rachel, along with her father, was his mission. His first undercover job.

He falls in love with her, despite the fact that he doesn't understand why she's got his head all turned around, cutting through the training in his head that insists he needs to fulfill his mission. (And that alone is so damn sad.)

He realizes too late that he wants to save her (and her father). But without giving too much away for those that haven't seen it, the scene near the end in the hospital room absolutely gutted me.

"I didn't understand. I didn't understand...how much I loved you."

Max

Played by the lovely Jessica Alba. I love to see a fellow Latina at work! 💅🏽

She's a badass. But she also learns how to fight for more than just herself. And how to actually face and deal with her trauma and start to help others (like Alec) do the same.

Original Cindy

Another lovely badass who I would lay down my life for! She's funny, unapologetically herself, and she has Max's back, come whatever, while still keeping her honest.

Joshua

My heart breaks for Joshua. He's so delightfully weird, childlike at times, while deeply insightful in others.

He longs to belong to the outside world, knowing he can't, without risking exposure to his transgenic friends. He discovers he's an artist! And he's a protector and a lovely friend. As a character says to him, "You're too good for us."

I can't wait to finish the back-half of season 2, though I also don't want it to end!! 😭 But in typical me fashion, my mind is already buzzing with a couple of story ideas for Alec x Reader. 🤣