#this is the saddest thing I’ve ever drawn

[smolbean-17]

First Hello & Last Goodbye

[mirabritart]

I think I’ve offhandedly mentioned before that the “freckles” on Peter’s face aren’t actually freckles (he’s not born with any) but are actually scars left from the times that Acererak disintegrated and resurrected him.

Here’s how he got all 13.

[m0us34rt]

I’m doing, like a 3 part art assignment about grief and WOW is this fucking depressing… lol

[inquirenorth]

The saddest thing is I didn’t just draw this once. No, this is the second edition of the dumbest thing I’ve ever drawn lol

[sheabuttahwrites]

i can’t be the only one really wanting to cry about this….this is so disgusting and disappointing it’s crazy. and then it’s also scary. how you can be drawn in and grow to love someone just by how charismatic they are and by how they speak about certain things, then you find out that’s not them at all. i’m praying for the victim and i hope he gets the help he needs. if any more information comes out about him doing anything else, this will be one of the most unexpected, saddest downfalls ever.

it’s a sad situation. i’ve shed quite a few tears myself.

[lindyloosims]

Elena sunk her fangs in deeper as she drank my blood, it was different now that I was no longer alive...

...it wasn’t painful...it was kind of erotic...I snapped out of it, what the fuck was I doing? I was Hallie’s! Why was I messing around with Elena? There had only ever been Hallie, no other girl even came on my radar, none of them made me feel the way Hallie did...until now! Hallie! I flooded my mind with images of her, smiling and laughing and telling me she loved me...suddenly I was in the driver’s seat again!

“Okay that’s enough, you think you’re so smart, don’t you mother?” That last word almost got stuck in my throat! “You think you have control over me? That I’ll come running every time you call?”

I bit into her thumb as her blood trickled onto my tongue, it didn’t taste as sweet as human blood, so now I understood that her drinking from me was just another way for her to be in control of me! To keep me in my place like a good little progeny, fuck that!

“You wanna know what’s the saddest thing in all of this?”

“Wh-no!” She stammered, she had the power? Yeah right!

“I do feel drawn to you, I do feel our connection and I’d be lying to you and myself if I said I didn’t feel desire when I look at you...”

“...but that’s only because you turned me! Hallie made me feel all of those things by just being in my world, by just dancing at my aunt and uncle’s wedding! There she was, on the dance floor shining like a beacon, calling to me, at six years old! I’ve loved her since that day and nothing, not even you and your gorgeous eyes and your curves, are gonna stop me from loving her...from getting her back from that monster!”

“Shawn, you’ll die before you do!” There was panic in her voice, despite me telling her that she was nothing compared to my Hallie, she was scared for me!

“Goodbye Elena!”

“You’re making a huge mistake!”

“The only mistake I made was coming back here and allowing you to get in my head! It won’t happen again, your control over me is broken!”

“WAIT!” She called to me, I could hear her sobbing, “He will kill us both! Please don’t do this darling, she is lost to you, when will you accept that?”

“I’d rather die than live a lifetime with you thinking what if, what could have been! You made your bed Elena, I suggest you go and lie in it!” Her cries had no effect on me, I still found her enticing but one thought of Hallie and it was kept at bay! I was going to get my Hals back...or die trying!

<Previous_Next>

[ledenews]

Jason Burge: He Didn’t Always Have That Beard

He does like a good t-shirt and he’s not opposed to ugly Christmas sweaters. He roots for WVU, likes to fish, kayak, work on cars, and ride his Harley. And he likes taking pictures of all of it, and of everything else for that matter, because it’s the  He’s good at it, too, because he has an eye for a certain angle and a different perspective, and the vision of his version most often comes from the sound everything makes simultaneously and individually. It’s that ever-changing symphony performed by an everyday orchestra that, when it all finally melts into harmony, pauses him to take his usual listen. That's when, almost always without fail, he chuckles at it all. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Jason Burge. Jason and his brother, Chad, have been close since the two were kids growing up in Cameron. What is it about music? Music is something I've leaned on my whole life. It can transport you to distant places, calm your nerves, energize you, and evoke a wide range of emotions. Despite my attempts, I've discovered I'm just not wired for playing music myself, but there's nothing quite like hearing it emanate from speakers, especially in a live setting. Growing up, I sailed the seas with Jimmy Buffett, experienced moments of profound enlightenment and heartache through lyrics and the strumming of guitars. Most of my happiest memories and even my saddest moments have been accompanied by music. During times of depression and distress, it's been the one constant that has gotten me through. What songwriter’s lyrics have impacted you the most? Can there really be just one? I'll refrain from delving into the Garcia-Hunter vs. Barlow-Weir argument and let that debate play out in the universe, all while hoping that the music never stops. While I can't pinpoint the exact moment I became a Deadhead, I owe much of my musical journey to my parents and a couple uncles that were literal rock stars to me growing up.  They exposed me to a diverse array of genres. From Mom's classics by Buddy Holly, Sam Cooke, Bill Withers and Patsy Cline, to Dad's rock anthems of CCR and Led Zeppelin, Willie and Waylon, The Band. And then one day Dad dropped the needle on Funkadelic's "Maggot Brain" album, and it sort of funked me up for life. Flea and the Chili Peppers followed that with those same bass lines. As for songwriters, I'm drawn to the styles of Amos Lee and The Avett Brothers, whose lyrics shaped a few rough times. There are those guys that started this conversation though, and they will forever be truckin’ through my brain. Locally, that Adrian Niles guy will make you stop and try to figure out the universe if you let him. Jason and his father, Cliff, have worked on all things musical for many years. If you ever prepared dinner for your favorite person on the planet, what would that dinner be? It would likely involve steaks on the grill, accompanied by linguine Alfredo and a side of green beans—though I admit, my dietary habits leave much to be desired. What is the best kayak course you have discovered in the Wheeling area? I'm a big fan of Big Wheeling Creek. When the conditions are right, it offers a serene and relaxing journey down lazy waters, with a few exciting stops along the way and a generally great vibe. Unfortunately, the fluctuating water levels in recent years have made it either too raging or too low to be passable often. Burge loves his Harley and rides as often as possible here in the valley region. Is silence a sound? Silence can be the loudest presence on Earth, overwhelming and leaving me feeling deafened. That's why, for me, music is a constant companion—it fills the void and shuts it off! Read the full article

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

332 of 2023

♰ I'm a fly that’s trapped in a web but I'm thinking that my spider's dead ♰

Created by chasingghosts

Do you ever get groceries delivered to your house?

No, I’ve never used that option. I’m  not even sure if they do it here.

What was the last job interview you went to where you didn't get the job? Do you think the interview went well or not?

I don’t even remember lol. Must have been over 15 years ago. I’ve been employed even during studying in the university, and I’ve been working in my current company for 9+ years.

Are you the kind of person who can wake up with one alarm or do you need several?

I wake up even before.

What's your favourite pasta shape?

Penne. It’s always good.

What position is your body in right now? Sitting, laying, standing?

Just sat down on the couch after doing things in the kitchen.

Do you have any plans for the upcoming weekend?

Yeah, doing groceries and then going on vacation.

What's one of the saddest movies you've ever seen?

I’m not interested in movies.

Has a movie ever made you cry?

No, I don’t

If you have a pet, where are they right now?

Both are taking a nap on their cat tree. For once they’re not arguing :P

What's the last dessert you ate?

Does a milkshake count?

Do you experience deja vu often?

NNot that often, but happens sometimes.

Are there any rooms in your house that you don't go into every day?

Yeah, the room thaat belongs to my husband’s son.

Did you own many videos or DVDs when you were a kid?

Not that many. I’ve grown up in times of VHS tapes, though. It was beautiful.

What was the last physical pain you experienced?

Migraine.

Have you ever fed an animal at the zoo? Which ones?

I don’t remember, I was in the zoo only once in my life and I was 2 years old then.

Do you use Fahrenheit or Celsius? Do you know both or just one?

The whole Europe uses Celsius, and so does my country, by logic. I can’t even convert to F, it’s too abstract to me, just like imperial units.

Can you do a handstand? When was the last time you tried?

My left hand is affected with monoparesis. I wouldn’t manage to do it even if I wanted, I’d rather fall and injure myself.

Do people misunderstand you?

Less than before, but in general, yes.

What year will you/did you turn 30?

In 2020.

Have you ever worked or lived in a high rise building?

No, never.

Who are some of your favourite actors?

I don’t really care.

Do you hate it when musical artists make music for way too long and kinda ruin the legacy they'd originally built for themselves?

No, what’s there to hate? And what’s there to ruin in the first place?

Is there anything that's been bothering you emotionally lately?

Yeah, one certain guy. I know him, yet I don’t. I see him at the train station sometimes, but I don’t even know his name. He’s so intriguing and I’m strangely drawn to him.

What was the last store you shopped at?

Albert Heijn.

What time did you wake up today? Was that earlier or later than usual?

It was more or less around the normal time for me, 7:00.

Have you ever been to a parade? What for?

No, I haven’t.

When you exercise, do you do anything to entertain yourself like listen to music or watch TV?

Watch TV, usually.

Do you ever read other people's survey answers?

Yeah, because people are interesting.

What app on your phone do you use the most?

Spotify. And camera, of course :P

Does your current city differ from your hometown in terms of weather?

Not much. My hometown is usually a bit more windy because it’s placed by the coast.

Have you ever been engaged?

Yeah, once.

What can you hear right now?

A soap opera in TV.

Do you know anyone who is terminally ill?

I knew someone who died of cancer, if that counts.

What was your first best friend's name and where did you meet them? Are you still in touch with them?

A girl named Martina and no, she moved out in 1996 and I’ve never heard from her anymore. We met in kindergarten.

What's your favourite fruit?

Strawberry and cherry.

Do you have nice views from your house?

Pff no. The other side of the street and an ugly backyard lol.

What was the last album you listened to?

I never listen to the whole albums.

How often do you get paid?

Twice a month when at work, once a month while on a sick leave.

Do you own any cool or interesting mugs?

Yep. I have one with djent music genre, one with the logo of my company, and one with a skull.

If you had to start a university course next week, what do you think you'd like to study?

I’d continue with my 2nd degree, the standard Dutch language.

[themelancholyhill]

I’m better today all thanks to the food you made me🥰 it is pretty silly that we have an ocean and several continents between us. I like that i have friends around the world but the saddest thing about that is that it’s likely we will never meet face to face. I will never get to experience you sitting with me, sharing a meal, seeing your face light up and laugh when i tell you something funny. I will never get to hug you when you tell me about Ray in person. I will never see your culture up close and personal. All of this is on the other side of the coin of an internet friendship. It makes me wonder why i even do it, make long distance friends i mean. Sometimes souls find each other and connect even through all the man-made things that are between us. But it feels so incomplete to me, like how can i say that we’re truly friends? How can i when i’ve never, and likely won’t, meet you in person?

I saw some of your reblogs about friendships today. The universe, when it tries to tell me something, it always conveys its message in this way. Very discreetly, hoping i won’t notice. But i notice everything, i wish i didn’t.

I haven’t dm’d M after what happened. He made a couple posts in between that time and i, as an ever supportive friend, liked and commented an emoji on one of his posts, to which he commented back another emoji. I don’t know what this means. I didn’t want to explain to him why i felt talking about what he wants out of this friendship was necessary, because maybe i shouldn’t meddle in what the universe has in store for us as friends, that we were never meant to be close friends but just casual friends. One of the things he taught me is that people show love differently. And he and i are so different it would be hilarious if it wasn’t so heartbreaking.

I also don’t want to explain because everytime i do i come off like a crazy person. I feel too much, i care too much, i do not take friendships lightly. And i know it is because of all these traits within me that past friendships dissolved like cotton candy left out in a rainstorm.

I keep telling myself just because i’ve met a person via the internet and have cultivated a friendship in this manner doesn’t mean this friendship is any less important or meaningful than a real life one. But sometimes i also think the opposite. Maybe i put too much hope in people when i should go about it with less intention and effort. Maybe it’s too unfathomable to think of being close friends with someone on the other side of the world, someone who you’ll likely never meet. However short my time or your time or his time or our time is on here, all i want is to strive to make it worth knowing someone, to make their presence meaningful in my life, as brief as it may be.

V✖️

The bond between us is inexplicable. I met an online friend 5 years ago who refers to us as ‘kindred spirits’. She told me that she was drawn to my hobbies and centers of interests and she sees herself in me, being both hopeless romantics. I know that having an online friendship is tricky because of the possibility of never meeting in person, but let me assure you that I hold online friendship the highest regards, especially when it’s very special. I could’ve not tagged you in those reblogs, for I’m sure that they’d speak to you regardless; but I felt the necessity to tag you as if we were silently conversing!

As for M, based on experience, minimal reactions are a sign for a friendship, not to end, but to become more distant (idk if this is true, but it’s my perspective). I love the way you talked about what M had taught you; “people show love differently.” what a brilliant way to show gratitude towards your friendship with him. Speaking of friendships, it’s not a question of going about it with less/more intention and effort, but I must admit that it’s frustrating to see how much our effort go to waste sometimes. I was thinking the other day and I wondered if we could have some sorta indication that would help us with the amount of love we give someone, like, we’d have a sign telling us if someone is worth or not the effort we intend to put on them… idk if this makes any sense though!

"to strive to make it worth knowing someone, to make their presence meaningful in my life, as brief as it may be.” resonates with me a lot! I believe in making a friendship worth the ride by cultivating memories and noticing small details, it might be one sided as in only one of the two will take time to remember everything, but it doesn’t matter tbh! I have collected a handful of memories with Ray, and allow me to share with you my favorite one! We were on campus and we met by pure chance. I had my phone with me and offered to make him listen to a couple of songs. What hit me the most was that, unlike other people to whom I show music, he stood next to me and listened to the songs from start to finish. I wasn’t expecting to see him behave this way and it was (still is) heartwarming to me. I remember him telling that he enjoyed the songs, but even if he didn’t, I wouldn’t mind it because of the way he was listening to them. I’m not sure why I included this here, but I just love writing/talking about him, which gives meaning to my friendship we share even though it doesn’t feel like it anymore.

[para-ix4]

18/7/22

Anusheh benis wedding is this week/end. I’ve been like using this moment as a reason to not do it and now that it’ll be soon over I have no clue what to look forward to. I’m getting a tattoo soon that will be several stars on my rib all drawn by people in my life- so that if I die I’ll have them all with me in the end. It’s so hard to live passively when I can’t stop thinking about ending everything to be honest. I’ve never felt that my happiness has ever been continuous. Shahiqs sister is really sweet and kind and she’s just like me two years ago. I cant stop listening to the playlist simon made me. It is the saddest thing in the world I can’t believe my first love was that terrible and messy and incredible and warm and I wish he was still here not him that he is now but the he that he was when we first met. The one that complemented me every second and gave me books and sent me his writing the one that laid under the covers with me on my eighteenth the one that giggled with my little brother the one who was there every night over the phone as I slept but hes gone and he won’t ever come back. I’ve lost all hope but I can’t admit it to anyone my brother is leaving for Europe my mother is so sad my little brother is in his own world I don’t think it would be too bad if I left. I hate being by myself but that’s how life is and I know I’ll get used to it again but when will that be I don’t think I can take my thoughts anymore. I remember when he used to show me songs over the phone and I would play shitty rap for him to listen to. Nothing hurts as much as grieving the loss of someone who’s still alive. He is probably still with her and I can’t fathom if they are sharing smiles and how he looks at her when she says funny things. I’m losing my mind I think I’m finally manic as well which wasn’t too unexpected. I need to buy a diary. I am so unhappy I am so disappointed in myself I don’t like who I am I don’t see anything for myself there is nothing in the future it is all so Grey

[waltnut]

Hey!! Do you have any more lore ideas of the demon bros in their level 3/4 states? Your last post was really interesting!! :)

I do have some that’s kinda dark? Maybe even kind of NSFW-ish? I’m not sure how you’d categorize it but here it is anyway.

I’ve had this idea of when the “heat season” comes around and what is needed to be done to protect MC. This is in no way what I think happens EVERY TIME heat season comes around just an idea that I had in my head for a concept. I’ve read many wonderful Headcanons for the heat seasons for the brothers and they are all way more thought out than this lol.

The idea is that for MC’s protection, it has been tasked to keep the brothers locked up in their room or a specific location until the heat has passed. The scenario is that this is the first time MC has been there for it and Barbatos is explaining to them and showing them what is needed to be done. There are seals in every room to keep them from breaking out, for example. The seals are made for that specific demon and do not affect MC or other demons. Most of them are in Level 4 during this time but will phase into Level 3 to try to manipulate MC into letting their guard down. Each demon is given something to keep the desire at bay. If they stop receiving these things they will go into a rage.

Assume they are in Level 4 unless stated. This is specifically the brothers...Read more below.

Lucifer - Locked in his room

Mc is not allowed even on the same floor as Lucifer during this time. It is said his power and influence can affect a large radius and should you get too close, you will feel unconsciously drawn to him or where he is.

There is a seal on his door to keep him in.

You will hear nothing behind his door, it is as if no one is home.

He stalks around in his room in Level 4, with all his lights off. Ashamed of himself and his lack of control.

If he knows MC is close, or if he can no longer resist, he is able to project illusions of this form throughout the house to Lure MC or scare MC into heading closer to him. You would see these out of the corner of your eye, or red eyes in the shadows of a silhouette of a giant goat man.

Should MC enter his room, the seal does not react to humans and opening the door does not break the seal, MC will be stuck in here until it’s over. Have fun dealing with a scary goat demon in the dark.

Music is needed to keep him calm. If no music is played he will use his illusions more to terrorize others on the outside and become violent if approaching his physical form.

Mammon - Locked away in his room, in a secret cellar type room that is accessible only through his room. It’ll

To get to him, there is a door in the back of his room, that only appears for this season, magic or something. It leads down a spiral staircase where the walls are stone and you come to a large stone room that is lit by conches and it’s filled with gold and treasure and the like. It’s a dragon’s den. And it’s separated by a wall of decorative bars keeping MC on one side and the dragon on the other.

The seal is on the bars and touching the bars would repel him. But MC can touch them and stick a hand through.

He lays on his treasure and gold objects which will stick to his leathery parts on his wings and the underside of his tail and belly.

Nests of treasures, tapestry and fancy rugs are also used as paddings for his nests. There are items from ancient times, which you could only assume he’s had for centuries and his hoard has only grown since then.

If MC enters this chamber he will transform to level 3 and offer his treasures to them. He will also pout and guilt to keep MC there with him.

Treasure is given to him every hour to keep him happy. He transforms back into level 4 in a fit and will destroy his piles of treasures out of anger and upset if they choose to leave him.

If MC chooses to stay, he will dress them in his treasures and make nests for them.

Leviathan - Sealed in his large aquarium tank. Did you think it was built for the fishes?

The only light source comes from the fish tank and TVs. You can see a giant dark mass inside the tank wrapping around everything inside. It has pulsating glowing orange orbs on its form.

There are Tv’s set up in front of the glass. A lot of them. All of them are anime. There are also a lot of plushies floating in the water. To keep him company, Barbatos would say. These objects keep him calm.

If MC approaches he will turn into Level 3 and press himself against the glass with the most sad eyes. He will use words to manipulate MC into feeling guilty for him being alone and to stay there with him and watch all the shows.

If you stay too long in this room you will hear an eerie whale type song in the back of your mind. It seems to make you dizzy and makes you want to stay with him. Maybe you just might jump in the water. Who needs to breathe anyway? He probably has a solution for that.

If MC chooses to leave he will turn back into Level 4 sea monster and wail the saddest deep sea song and slam his huge body against the glass. Hopefully it stays in tact.

Satan - Locked in his room.

A green glowing wall seal separates the door area from the rest of his room. It has a shimmering flame affect but you can see through it.

His room is trashed. Books ripped to shreds, book cases fallen over, small flecks of green flame and ash are scattered on the piles.

He remains in Level 4 even if MC is in the room. And he is not nice. He is mean. He will scream and yell and swear profanities at them, and especially Barbatos since Barbatos will not let Mc go alone. He will say down right terrible things out of anger and frustration.

If MC expresses any type of upset, it’s possible Satan might notice. If he does, he will lower his voice and approach. He will apologize and begin to try to convince Mc to stay with him and read all the books.

If he is refused he will slam on the sealed wall furiously and monstrous screaming continues. His flames in his body are strong and bright.

Books are given to him every half hour as well as audiobooks of plays from every language to keep him calm.

Asmodeus - Sealed in his room, but an altered version of reality.

His room is separated by a clear glass wall with an invisible seal. On the other side there are mirrors everywhere. It’s like a fun house with how they are not in any uniform pattern. Some are cracked and broken.

There is pillows and blankets and a giant bed where there isn’t mirrors.

The mirrors are used to keep his morale low, showing his reflection in his level 4 state causes a depression to keep him from wanting to pursue others, as he is the avatar of Lust and is the most insatiable during this season.

If MC is in the room, he will actually scream and refuse for them to see him. If MC can convince for Asmodeus to show himself, he will come close to the glass barrier and black tear lines would be streaming down his face.

He will show himself in Level 3 to them to convince MC to stay and keep him company. Something about wanting to see them from every angle with all these mirrors?

If refused he will start to break the mirrors around him. The magically repair themselves eventually.

Other demons like succubi/incubi are sent to him to keep his appetite lower. But he will always prefer MC over them.

Beelzebub - Locked in a giant meat freezer storage near the kitchen.

It’s very cold in here, and there are animal carcasses hanging from meat hooks everywhere. Even things you never seen before. It’s a large cold room with tile.

Bars separate you from the monster in the middle of the room. He sits on a pile of meat and flesh, sounds of tearing can be heard. But also the raffling of chains. The bars are not enough to hold him. There are seals on the bars and metal cuffs attached to his wrists and ankles.

Steam can be seen coming off the monster form Beelzebub.

Once MC enters, he will come launch himself towards them but the chains catch him and hold him away. Barbatos will allow MC to throw him some meat but to use a rod to stick it through, like some zoo keeper feeding a lion.

It was said they didn’t start using the chains until one time he broke out and went on a feeding spree. I won’t get into details about that.

He speaks in very few words. “Closer.” Or “Stay.” are usually what he’ll snort at MC. He stares at them, licking his lips. You don’t know if it’s lust or hunger or both.

He doesn’t put up much a fuss if MC leaves, as the food is enough to occupy him.

Food fed to him by the hundreds is needed to keep him from raging.

Belphegor - Locked back up in the attic.

There is a wall of black smoke/fog that hides the rest of the room. It has light flecks off white in them, like stars.

Red eyes stare at you from inside the fog. They disappear and reappear somewhere else.

Barbatos tells you to not touch the smoke. Do not. Ever. Touch the smoke.

Level 3 arms of Belphie can reach out from the smoke to grab you.

His voice is soft and sweet but his words are not. He tells you he is always with you when you sleep. He can see your dreams. He is in them. It’s the way he says these things that are unsettling.

He can disperse the fog enough to show himself to you. He can change the fog to look like space and galaxies to entice MC to want to stay and experience it.

He will guilt trip MC, saying they’re the reason he’s here and they owe him. They need to make it up to him. He can forgive them if they stay.

If he is refused, a wave of tiredness will wash over MC. Barbatos must always accompany them and he is able to take them away before anything happens.

Incense smoke is needed to keep him calm and sedated.

Now you may be thinking...What about Barbatos?? Isn’t he affected by the season?? To that he replies...

“Oh yes, but my constitution is much stronger than the rest.”

Then perhaps you may be wondering about Lord Diavolo. To which he replies...

“It’s best you don’t set foot in the castle. Better yet, just stay in here in the house, where it’s much safer.”

[katstarry]

you never knew

wanda maximoff x reader

masterlist ☆

this doesn’t really fit with the timeline but for the sake of this, let’s act like it does! 😁

warnings: unrequited love, sad ending?

summary: reader feels overwhelmed about her feelings towards wanda and moves out.

took forever & kinda rushed, hope you like it though! i just wanted to post something :)

i would rather not go back to the old house, too many memories there

the decision was made—you were going to be moving out the compound soon. for the time being no one else on the team knows besides tony.

you had told tony that you wanted to move out because you wanted to have some time on your own for a while. after years of nonstop fighting and chaos, you wanted a small break. he agreed, although reluctantly, but you reassured him that in emergencies you were always available and ready.

even though the excuse you had made to leave the compound was somewhat true, it wasn’t the main reason you wanted to go.

it was just too painful. watching her be with him. although you’ve gotten used to it by now, literal years have passed by. yet your feelings always remained the same for wanda.

here began all my dreams, the saddest thing i’ve ever seen

you remember the day she was properly introduced to the team, being absolutely mesmerized by her.

although at first being cautious around her, days passed by and the more you got to know her the more you felt drawn.

days became weeks, and the weeks became months.

each moment spent with wanda felt absolutely amazing, the more you were with her the more your admiration and fondness grew.

soon it became too much to bare.

at the beginning you decided to ignore it, thinking it’s just a small crush that would go away. and you were so wrong.

realizing that it was definitely much more than just a small crush after seeing her get closer to vision and the feeling being unbearable.

months passed by then. months of complete agony as you were just a best friend to her. months of hearing how much she enjoyed her dates with vision.

you should be happy. if you loved her, you should be happy, right?

years pass by now. everything has remained the same yet it all changed so much.

slowly, wanda and you had grown apart.

she was left confused and hurt as she realized her best friend, her confidant, and other half had slipped away from her grasp.

she didn’t know what had went wrong, she didn’t know what to do. but, she had vision. right?

you didn’t mean for it to go as far as it had. you just wanted a bit of space for yourself. it started as you stopped attending gatherings, going out on your own, and locking yourself in your room. the only time most would see you was during missions or conferences.

after years of having your company, your absence stood out to everyone. soon they all became worried. had something happened they didn’t know of? or had they stepped out of line and not realized? no one knew, no one had seen you since the last mission as you went straight to your room as they had gotten home.

it was until the next morning when they finally saw you sitting at the table for breakfast after months of not attending.

“y/n! good morning.” steve gave you a genuine smile, which you retuned as you took a bite from the toast you had made.

he walked over to you and sat down on the chair beside your own as he finished making his own breakfast.

you were now awkwardly sitting, thinking it would be rude to get up and leave as he just sat down to eat.

so you were now fidgeting with your hands which were on your lap. thinking about how to break the news of your departure to the rest of the team soon.

you hadn’t realized how steve had already finished his breakfast, and was now looking at you worriedly until he broke you out of your trance. hearing him sigh, you turned to look at him.

“okay, what’s up? talk to me.”

you froze, feeling caught. not knowing what to say, you stumbled over your words.

“uh- what do you mean? nothing has been going on.” avoiding his attempt to eye contact.

“really? that’s the best you’ve got?”

finally looking over at him, he had that look. you know, the one with his eyebrows raised and arms crossed.

“y/n, the whole team feels it. how could we not? it’s like you don’t even live here anymore. we barely see you, everyone misses you. so what’s going on?”

letting out a sigh of your own, rubbing your temples, and resting your elbows on the table, you decided to break the news to him first.

“i decided to move out.” you weren’t sure if he had heard you, the words coming out quiet and shakier than you intended them to be.

but he did, and he was shocked, dumbfounded even. out of all things that was the last he would have thought coming from you.

“oh.”

oh shit. you shouldn’t of had done this, not now. what were you thinking—

“well.. i mean. it’s up to you, y’know? i mean- well, yeah. uh.. can i ask why?”

okay never mind then, maybe it wouldn’t go so bad.

after giving him the same excuse you had old tony, he was supportive. of course he was, he’s steve.

“do the rest know?” he asked after.

“mmm, no. not yet. i was thinking about how i was going to break the news to them, i’m not so sure how to.”

the conversation was cut short soon after, since the others were now walking into the kitchen.

sam, bucky, tony, bruce, nat, vision, and wanda.

they were coming back from their morning workout, which today you didn’t attend, because today was the day you were leaving.

suddenly you felt nauseous, anxiousness creeping in now since they were all in the same room. your stomach churning as tension built up, which you were pretty sure was only you who feeling it, and your arms became sweaty.

not looking up, you listened as they all made their own food and sat themselves at the table.

“y/n! nice to see you here this morning, where were you at?” sam gave you a pat on the shoulder as he sat on the other free seat at your side.

“i-, ” before you got the chance to answer, tony beat you to it. unfortunately.

“gave her today off, since y’know, she’s leaving.” suddenly it got quiet.

tony still oblivious to the tension that now everyone felt, bit into a cracker he picked up.

as he turned around he was met with everyone asking you questions. now he realized that he fucked up.

“what does he mean by you leaving?!”

“y/n! you’re leaving?!”

“what!?”

“when are you leaving?”

“leaving as in a trip or-”

he decided to intervene as he watched them all bombard you with questions that he provoked.

“okay guys! GUYS!” everyone turned to look at him expectantly now.

“uhh..” he turned to look at you now for help.

you sighed, now or never. “what tony meant to say was that.. i’m leaving. as in, moving out today. i didn’t want to say it like this, and i also meant to bring it up much earlier than this, but.. well.. yeah.”

after explaining for the third time, and everyone supporting you. you felt relief for the first time in years for having the best people surrounding you. almost missing how vision hugged wanda as she looked at you with a small smile.

and you never knew, how much i really liked you, because i never even told you, oh and i meant to

later in the afternoon, you were all packed and ready to go, suitcases waiting by the entrance door.

everyone met in the living room to say goodbye.

some sitting on the couches and others standing, everyone talking to one another as if one of their beloved friend and family wasn’t leaving. deciding it was better to have a piece of normality before you left.

two hours before your plane left, and the tension was there again, but it was different now. it wasn’t awkward and it wasn’t bad.

you stood up, and everyone else did as well. suddenly you were being tackled, everyone group hugging you. laughing, they let go of you after some minutes passed by.

one by one, they all individually said their goodbyes.

until it was only her left, wanda.

“hey.” she walked up to you as the others gave you some privacy and walked into the kitchen.

“hey.” the way she still had an affect on you made you realize how much you’ll actually miss her presence, even though you both hadn’t had a proper conversation in a long time.

you felt your heart speed up and cheeks flush. you still looked at her with the same admiration you always had, just for her.

“so.. you’re leaving.” she looked down to her shoes and back up to you.

“yeah i guess i am, look wanda- i-” you weren’t sure what came over you, nearly confessing. but you didn’t, it wouldn’t of had been right to just say that and leave.

taking in a deep breath you continued, “wanda. i’m really sorry about what happened between us. i shouldn’t of had ever just- disappeared like the way that i did, i’m very sorry. but i promise you, there wasn’t a day i didn’t regret it. i just.. wasn’t sure how to approach you with it? on how to fix things.” you let out a sigh of relief, of finally confessing some things.

“i feel the exact same way, y/n.” you realized now, looking back up at her, how she had unshed tears in her eyes now.

suddenly she was right in-front of you, her body against yours as she firmly hugged you. her arms around your neck and you made your hands wrap around her waist, just like all those other times before during your friendship. that’s all it ever was.

“i’lo come back someday, okay?”

“okay.”

with one last hug, you left.

are you still there or have you moved away?

about a year has passed now.

living on your own wasn’t as bad as you had thought it would be.

it was peaceful, free.

just yourself to worry about.

everything was good, you even kept contact with wanda. messaging and calling each other to catch up in each other’s lives.

but everything had been turned upside down so suddenly once again.

shortly after your departure from the team, they had disbanded.

now, you got a call from tony who was in need of help.

it was an emergency, as you kept yourself updated with the news as much as you could after you moved out in your own, this was a bigger threat.

everything had gone eerily silent. as you all looked around yourselves ready for anything to happen.

you were kneeled beside wanda as she was over visions unmoving body when you saw people around you become dust.

shaking, you grabbed into wand as hand, as she gripped into yours as well.

that’s when you saw steve look at you with terrified eyes, and that was when you knew.

looking down at your arm which was holding onto wanda’s, it’s now non-existent. looking over back to her, she had the same look as when she saw vision die right in-front of her.

the last thing you saw was her reaching for you.

i would love to go back to the old house, but i never will

suddenly you were back. in the field, it looked different. the grass was taller and there were more trees.

an orange-yellow circle appearing in front of you, with the sight of a man you’ve never seen before comes into view asking for your help.

he didn’t have enough time to explain everything fully, but you knew you could trust him once he mentioned thanos and the rest of your friends; the avengers.

you were still in shock, but you took his hand anyway and now you were here, in a large field, many people surrounding you on all sides.

hundreds of the same orange circles open with more people joining the fight.

and there you saw them, your friends. you saw her.

her eyes and hands glowing red, you could see the anger that was built up, ready to unleash the moment the fight starts.

she was still beautiful as ever.

but there was no time for old feelings to resurface, you didn’t know how long time has passed, you didn’t even know if she was also dusted.

but by the looks of some of your friends compared to the last time you saw them—which wasn’t so long ago for you— you could tell it actually has been a very long time.

steve then gave the signal, and everyone ran towards thanos’ army.

you had no time to comprehend everything that’s occurring properly, but your mind just focused on the task at hand: defeating the enemy.

you were just running towards the creatures and trying your best to defend yourself.

not having any superpowers kind of sucked at times like these, only carrying weapons. but you made it through.

on a moment where you were catching your breath, hands on your knees, it happened suddenly.

a painful sensation filled your chest, spreading all over. making you double over and fall to the ground.

you finally looked down and saw the knife sticking out from your lower half, blood flowing out.

panicked, you tried to call for help but realized it would be useless as everyone else was too busy.

vision getting blurry, your breath was ragged, you felt someone kneel on your side.

trying to catch your breath, you moved your head slightly to the side to see who it was, only to see red hair and tearful eyes. a sight you’ve seen before, right before you were dusted. a sight you wished you wouldn’t have to see again.

you tried to keep your eyes open as she took your face into her one of her hands, the other using her magic trying to pull out the weapon that stabbed you.

“y/n. y/n, stay with me okay?” her voice was the same, she looked the same. “i can’t lose you too.”you gently smiled as you looked at her, one of your hands coming up, shaking, as you grabbed the one she held on your face.

you couldn’t respond, so you just reassured her with your actions. tears of your own forming in your eyes, you hated to see her cry. especially if it was over you.

you didn’t want to say goodbye to her, not like this.

“i’ll be okay.” you could barely get the words out, voice in a whisper and raspy, but she heard you.

“wanda.. you mean a lot to me, okay? so much.”

you used the remaining strength to tighten your grip on her hand, both of you now crying.

“stop. don’t talk like that, you’ll be fine, you’ll be alright, alright? but you mean so much to me too.”

you smiled again, you hated this. why couldn’t you have been more careful? why did you let your guard down? this could’ve all been avoided.

“i love you.” you said it so gently, a soft whisper, voice wavering, you’re not even sure she actually did hear it.

and you never knew. because all you felt after was your body going limp, the feeling of peace and darkness enveloping your senses. once again the sight of her being the last you see. you’re leaving her for the third time, but this time for good.

i never will.

[tsarisfanfiction]

Post Trauma Sentence Starters

“We can talk through the door” with Scott & Virgil

Silent Door

Fandom: Thunderbirds Rating: Teen Genre: Angst Characters: Virgil, Scott

Well, I’ve managed to write four brothers so far today, so let’s see if I can get the full house, shall we?  This doesn’t sound like a particularly happy prompt, oops.

Still, let’s see what happens.  Muse has some vague ideas but nothing concrete.

Okay, so this is short, but it’s also a sequel of sorts to this prompt fic I did a while back, where the Hood mind-controlled Virgil into almost killing Scott, before Virgil managed to break free.

The angst is strong in this one.

Post-Trauma Sentence Starters

The knock was quiet.  “Virgil?”  The call of his name was even quieter.  Soft, gentle, and full of pain.  It sounded wrong.

He didn’t acknowledge it.  Maybe if he didn’t, his brother would go away and leave him in peace.

“I know you’re in there.”  Scott’s voice was resigned.  “Please, Virgil.”  Raw.  Raw and vulnerable in the way his eldest brother so rarely let show.  It hurt, and the fact that this was all his fault just made it worse.

He stayed silent.

“Let me in?”  It was a plea.  Desperation coloured Scott’s voice but all Virgil could think of was his brother falling limp against him, the feeling of his fragile, breakable neck in the crook of his elbow, and the way his grip kept tightening, tightening, while Scott struggled to get free.

He was sat on the floor of his bedroom, back pressed against the door and his knees drawn up to his chest.  Around him was carnage.  Sketchbooks littered the carpet, loose pages strewn about between the ones still held by bindings.  Crumpled paper.  Pencils.  Paints.

He’d given up trying to channel what had happened through art.  Music had failed, too, and leaving his room had only promised an unavoidable encounter with the brother he’d almost killed.

That brother was still the other side of the door.  Virgil felt it move, slightly, as though Scott was attempting to open it.  There was a sigh, quiet and sad and encompassing so many emotions he couldn’t possibly name them all.

“Okay,” big brother said, and Virgil could imagine him standing against the door, one hand splayed out on the surface while his forehead pressed against it.  “We can talk through the door, if that’s what you want.  Just, please, Virgil.  Talk to me.”

His hands balled into fists, nails biting his palms, but he couldn’t say anything.  There was nothing to say.  He’d nearly - so nearly - killed Scott with his bare hands.  Nothing could possibly erase that.

“Virgil.”  Scott was begging.  “Virgil, you saved me.  It wasn’t your fault.  He wanted me dead and you didn’t let him kill me.  You stopped him, Virgil.”

Not soon enough.  Not until Scott was slumped against him, overpowered and unable to defend himself.  Not until he’d had the breath choked from him by Virgil’s own strength.  The knowledge that he could do that, let alone that he’d done it, made Virgil feel like he was the one suffocating.

Watching Scott pass out, knowing that he wouldn’t stop until there was no more life in his beloved big brother, was the worst thing Virgil had ever experienced.

“You were stronger than him,” Scott continued after several long moments of silence.  “You didn’t let him win then.  Don’t let him win now.”  His voice had a tremble in it, and that just made Virgil feel worse, because Scott was always strong, always unshakeable, but now he just seemed so fragile.

Breakable.

Virgil had never been more aware of his raw strength.

“I need you, Virgil.”  Scott didn’t stop talking, too stubborn to realise that Virgil didn’t want to hear him, didn’t want to hear the way his brother’s heart was breaking a little more with every word.  “You’re my best friend, my brother, and I can’t do this without you, so please, talk to me.”

He couldn’t.  Not even when there was a muffled sob from the other side of the door.  Not when Scott whispered his name again, a breathy whimper.

Not when Scott gave one last wail of a plea before finally seeming to understand that Virgil wouldn’t, couldn’t face him, now or ever, and the saddest footfalls Virgil had ever heard dragged down the hallway.

Left alone, with nothing but the carnage of his failed art for company, he buried his head in his arms and cried.

[viennesebooknerd]

Thoughts about “A Little Life”

Okay, so before i started reading the book, i didn’t knew what i would let myself in for. I mean, i knew of course the generel public opinion about it -  all the claims that it’s the saddest book ever and that it would make you feel emotions you didn’t even knew you had. But I’ve read a lot of sad and even depressing books throughout my life, so i didn’t think it would be a challenge for me to read this. But oh boy, it was. 

To be quite frank, I still don’t know if i liked the book or not. I mean I did like parts of it, for sure. But overall my feelings are quite mixed. But let’s start at the beginning.

The book sets in with a pretty strong beginning. You get to know four college friends - JB, Malcom, Jude and Willem-  each one with their own individual dreams, struggles and passions, trying to set foot in the real adult world. What i felt most drawn to in the first chapters was the friendship between the four protagonists, especially, because  there aren`t enough books about deep and intimate adult friendships in general. I loved the fact that none of them were in a romantic relationship with each other and that they still cared so much about each other despite of that. Also you’re able to catch a glimpse at life in New York City, which i can’t claim to be realistic or not because I’ve never been there. but it felt pretty real - from the housing situations, to the struggle with money and maintaining onesself in a city where everyone tries to stand out as much as they can in order to survive in the artistic industry.

At some point though, the author stops describing everbodys day-to-day-life in their perspective and focusses almost solely on Jude, a disabled man with an abusive past who suffers from severe PTSD, who turns out to be the actual main character. Quite franky, i have no idea why she did that. Why would you build up four different characteres, if only one of them is actually relevant for the story? And thats how i felt most of the time: That mostly, reocurring characters where only mentionend if they served a direct purpse to the story or to Jude. Especially Malcom became that much of a sidecharacter that i started to question why he was invented at all. And i think it’s a shame, because the characters were unbelievably well written, and there was definetly a lot of potential in exploring their lives, their pasts and especially their friendship, that was simply unfulfilled.

The part  i struggled most with was actually the one in which Jude became the maincharacter. Of course all four characters have had some struggles throughout their lives, but Judes past was by far the most horrendous thing I’ve ever read in a book that is supposed to resemble real life. And I’m not saying that it was unrealistic, because unfortunately, i dare say that a lot of people are abused atrouciously everday, everwhere on this planet. But what really made it hard to read was the fact that not only where most parts of his past and also present described in a pretty graphic way, which at times became too much for me, but also that the descriptions represented approximately 70 % of the rest of the book. You were basically reading an endless infernal cycle of Jude hurting himself in any way imaginable mixed with flashbacks to a past filled with abuse, child molestation and prostitution. I honestly don’t even know if I would have read the book knowing that it was absolutely gruesome for most of the time. A trigger warning would have definetly been appropriate, as it had not only left me traumatized but also kinda triggered my depression. I can’t of course claim that this is the author fault, as art doesn’t have to comply to any rules or to audience (at least not in my opinion) but still, I’m left with the question why she would want to write a book that seemingly only serves the purpouse of hurting and traumatizing it’s readers at a certain point. 

However, I also need to point out that i loved Hanya Yanagiharas style of writing. It’s obvious that she is an extremly gifted storyteller, form the way she captures the beauty and also tragedy of interpersonal relationships of any kind to the way she makes you truly care about each character deeply. Furthermore, her descriptions of mental illness and other problems the characters go through (like drug abuse, toxic codependent relationships and loosing one’s child) are not only accurately done, but also empathically written. A Little Life definetly makes you feel something in a lot of it’s chapters, which is mostly achieved through the authors exceptional writing. 

There are still a lot of things left that should be discussed. Maybe I’ll write a part 2. But all in all, I still don’t know how I feel about  A Little Life. But I’m pretty sure it’s going to haunt me for a long time.

[jeyneofpoole]

Hey here’s the saddest thing I’ve ever drawn

[herbalinz-of-yesteryear]

So i guess I’m temporarily back from a hiatus.

For more than three months I’ve been having stomach acid reflux and losing my appetite, which was highly unusual; I live for food. Had two courses of prilosac treatment and things have not gotten better. Finally able to get an appointment this Tuesday, got my blood drawn, also tested for H.Pylori and turned out to be negative. Now I’m being referred to a gastroenterologist for further examination, possibly (at least) a scope 🙃

Felt really down and didn’t want to cook so we went to a restaurant, and got the saddest looking Squirrel fish ever in my life (;_;) When we got to the car, I realized I forgot to put the refilled hand sanitizer bottle back so no hs. But at least we just got our boosters shots.

Just, wish life would have a ceasefire from throwing poops at me 💩