#this is what it feels like having gone to med school on the internet

[bandedbulbussnarfblat]

I had to ask my mom for money today. And ask my brother if we can transfer all the bills to his name, bc my mind feels like swiss cheese, and I just don't think I can manage it rn. We usually go halfsies on bills, but it's my bank account everything is under. So I was constantly having to put cash in the bank, then go online to pay bills, and I just can't. I can't handle it. I go back to my psychiatrist tomorrow, not that it fucking matters. I've been seeing her over a decade and I'm still fucked up. She prescribed me meds that made me worse. Like, the side effects were awful. And I've had to stop taking other meds before bc of the side effects. it all just feels so hopeless. i thought i was getting better for awhile, but that didn't last. I thought the TMS was gonna fix me, but now instead of sad I just fell scared all the time and that's so much worse. I can handle sad. I've been dealing with it my whole life. I was a sad, lonely kid. Then I made friends and it helped, but I was still depressed as a teenager. I was suicidal by 16; I literally only stayed alive through high school and college bc I had people that loved me who would feel bad if I was gone. Then there kept being reasons to put off, like my bff getting married and wanting me to be the maid of honor, and how I couldn't do it during her honeymoon bc that would kill the mood. And then my other best friend got married, then pregnant, and I couldn't do it then, bc what if the shock triggered a miscarriage or something? I've lived the first 25 years of my life just waiting to die. And the anxiety has always, always been there. The adhd too, and sometimes i hate my parents for not getting me the help i needed, just bc one doctor said i didn't have it after the school suggested testing. There was no actual testing, he dismissed it out of hand as my behavior just 'kids being kids'. He probably didn't believe adhd existed, bc he was old af and set in his ways. And kept prescribing meds that were no longer being made, bc the FDA found them unsafe. so i've always been fucked up. since i was a kid i felt like there was this wall of glass between me and the rest of the world. i could look inside and I could see it and hear it, but I never felt part of it. Like I was something else, this other thing that couldn't connect. And it's never went away. I still don't understand all of these unspoken rules everyone picks up on. I've spent so long, trying to contort myself into something not normal, but acceptable. Something people could love. So I default to being polite, and using the 'right' answers to get by. And keeping everyone at an arm's length. Bc the social anxiety I get from just having to talk to another person who isn't one of my people is so bad that I'll start shaking while talking to them, and become more and more uncomfortable until it's finally over and I go in the bathroom and cry. I don't know how to be vulnerable around people unless they already know and love me, or I'm on the internet where there's no connection to my government name, and no one i know irl will ever see it.

[apictureofelizabethdarcy]

Y'all. I might be a little emotional tonight due to the overlap of post-period blues and being very very sick, but like... I am so excited for this new wave of PJO love. Because those books meant and continue to mean so damn much to me.

When I was 10 years old, I my dad bought the boxed set of the first four for me from a Scholastic book order. The last Olympian hadn't come out yet - it came out a month later. My dad chose it for me because it had Greek mythology, and I was going through a mythology phase at the time. I didn't know what he ordered, because he filled out the forms and sealed the envelope after my brother and I went to bed, and I took them to school the next day like a dutiful kid. When they came in, I had no idea what to expect, but I ended up devouring them. Because they made me feel seen in a way I never had before.

TW: adults not being assholes about neurodiversity, brief mentions of sexual harrassment and bullying, brief vague mention of self-harm, death of a loved one

You need to understand that at this time, I was your stereotypical "gifted" kid - undiagnosed dyslexic autistic with OCD and ADHD comorbidities. We lived in a super tiny rural town (like 16 people in my graduating class tiny) with very limited internet access (I had dial-up until I was 13) and virtually no support for my needs even if I had been diagnosed. The first time I had a meltdown from sensory overload, I couldn't stop crying and went catatonic - rather than being comforting, my teacher grabbed me by the shoulders and condescendingly asked if I'd "gone off my meds or something" and told me to pull it together. I also hit puberty super early, and was being sexually harrassed daily because of it, and nobody did anything about it. Not my teachers, not the principal, no one. When I told my parents, I was accused of being "melodramatic" and "overreacting." I learned pretty early that adults couldn't be trusted.

And then came Percy Jackson. And for the first time, I had a character like me - a nerd who played trading card games, who loved being in the water, who had ADHD and dyslexia. Who talked back and defended himself against the adults who talked down to him. And the whole story was about not being like your parents, about fighting for a better and more just world. A character who was powerful and funny and tough and whose disabilities were a part of his super power, not something to be overcome. And I fell in love with the series as a whole.

Like head over heels in love. It was embarrassing, actually. When I would lie awake at night, I would pretend that my parents weren't my real parents and that I was actually a child of Hermes who hadn't been claimed. I became obsessed with Ethan Nakamura - or at least, the self-indulgent, angst-and-lore fuelled fic version of him I created in my head. I started writing my diary entries pretending that I was Nico di Angelo. One of my first eer fanfics was just Clarisse and Percy talking and bonding over having shitty families, and her apologizing. It was VERY important to me that Clarisse be forgiveable back then. I sought out PerNico fanart when I was at the local library after school, and tried to create my own myth-o-magic cards but gave up when I couldn't figure out how to draw a manticore.

And then House of Hades came out two months before I turned 14. I borrowed my friend Axel's copy because I couldn't afford it, and oh boy did that hit me. I was going through a religious phase at the time but I was also coming into my bisexuality, and that caused a major personal crisis. So the scene with Cupid hit me really, really hard in a not good way. I remember sitting in my living room with my parents and brother while they watched Big Bang Theory, and I had to close the book and go to my room. I couldn't read for three days after that. But it also solidified my obsession with these books. 😅 A lot of other bad shit happened that year, to the point I started self-harming, and the PJO fandom provided comfort and community and distraction.

I spent the summer between eighth and ninth grade writing cringey Solangelo fic in which Will was a chronically barefoot Texas boy who got his first kiss playing truth or dare with Charlie Beckendorf. He liked Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift, and they had their first dance to "Thinking Out Loud" while Lee played guitar by the fire. I set the wallpaper of my first ever cell phone to Nico fanart that I had to photograph because I didn't have internet access to download it. I played Paola Bennet's "Soldatino" on loop when I was having a bad day and pulled multiple all-nighters on my worst nights drawing PJO fanart.

Sword of Summer released my freshman year of high school. I borrowed a copy from an older boy I was hanging out with - I think his name was Michael? our friendship didn't last, but I'm grateful anway, because that book did. I had only been identifying as gender fluid for 9 months when that book came out, and my coming out was far from ideal. Meeting Alex was the coolest thing that could have happened to me. AND (s)he helped me to bond with my niece, who was 12 years old and already so much more aware than I had been at her age. I called her Magnus and she called me Alex - until we got the point in the book where they started dating.

And the summer after high school was super traumatic. I spent my summer helping my grandfather take care of my grandmother while on home hospice. It was emotionally draining, because this woman had as big a hand in raising me as my mother, but as the end got closer, she got mean and then violent. I was watching her die in slow motion, and it fucked me up big time. But during our moments of quiet, when she would be asleep and my grandfather was out in the garden, I would read Trials of Apollo, and even though those books hurt so deeply, it helped break me out of my numbness, and provided some great laughs along the way.

And when I got to college, the Riordanverse was one of the first things that helped me bond with the people who would become some of my best friends! I'll never forget sitting at the Rachel Carson dining room debating the phylogeny of sandwiches and discussing Red Pyramid with Sage and Kailtyn. I even tried (unsuccessfully) to make us Camp Halfblood T-shirts for candlenights one year. 😅

I know there are parts of the books that are problematic. But I also love this fandom so, so much, and I am so glad that it was able to touch so many of us. I still lay awake dreaming of Camp Halfblood. Of capture the flag and the rock wall of death, of blue coca cola and jelly beans. I buy blue Takis whenever I see them because they remind me of Percy. I can't drive past our local dam without snickering over the "dam snackbar." I know how much this series meant to my little queer neurodivergent heart, and I am really excited for the younger generation who may be discovering this world for the first time.

[qvirkycrxxtvre]

I’ve decided whilst tripping balls on mushrooms this evening that I will be posting here a tad more.

What it is, is I keep a diary on my notes app on my phone, but I’m deciding to just like, move it. Here.

I say this because I feel like it’s such a waste to live the life I live and it to be told to no one. I know I have this conclusion bc I have dead relatives that didn’t have the literacy to document their stories and I remember my family asking me to listen to these terribly scary familial stories in hopes I would do something good with them, make some kind of art. I won’t.

I don’t talk to my family anymore.

Pause rephrase

I’m not telling you my name, but I want whoever reads this to know this blog will contain the incredibly intimate thoughts of a mentally unwell woman. Me.

I need help, and I’m sure I’ll get there. Hold on I need to restart again

I need it to be known my Husband is a good man, who is coping with a very traumatized wife. My life has always been very interesting and I guess I feel an upswing to that coming soon again. I was one of those who grew up chronically online and had unrestricted internet access starting at the age of 6 maybe, but I still had access even at 3

$€£¥

Sorry okay back back back Maybe I’ll make a notation yup let’s do $€£¥ to notate whenever my ADHD brings me away from my writing so if the thought is incomplete but it’s still in the entry, that’s what happened.

I uh. Used to have a very very public diary. Multiple. Some way more public than others. I don’t really value privacy, my Husband is doing his best to teach me these things like what’s okay and what’s expected but like

It’s fucked okay anyways I think I gave the disclaimers I needed

Fuck the world building I just need to recap all the shit that went down, ugh I can feel it in my guts that I’m supposed to go write a scathing yelp review but no I, I wanna write it in my diary ya feel me? Maybe if I don’t write terribly, I can copy paste lmfao okay sorry back back back

Or actually does it matter? I can’t remember okay yes okay hold

Yes so that notation worthy pause was me reminiscing on our night so so hard that I felt the need to message my friend about the night but then I remembered I literally am starting a diary as a coping mechanism to get the crazy things I need to say out of me without disturbing my life via messaging actual friends or my Husband to start crazy stuff when I really just need a place to vent.

$€£¥

Sorry, see this is why we don’t have Hemingway ass writers modern day. I’m telling you, if I could focus long enough to tell you my adventures it would be like The Sun Also Rises ahhh it’s always interesting starting a public diary bc it’s like damn I have to introduce myself kind of like not really, I talk about myself and rehash my life on a daily basis so I guess whatever one doesn’t know about me, you can find out in a few days when I get to it.

My brain is literally so Wattpad (where I once had a public diary) that I’m trying to title this project to a degree. Eh,it’ll come in time.

Ugh. I took my meds and when they kick in I’ll go to bed and I’ll still haven’t told anyone about tonight ahhhh

You need to understand that I’m considerably slow processing speed wise but like when given the time to get there, I have a lot of mind.

Anyways. Okay I think I’m finally not tripping balls.

My Husband is asleep in bed next to me. We got home not too long ago- it’s 12:48PM- put the baby to bed, ate our pizza burgers joyously.

$€£¥

See okay cool now I can just tell it here

God so, there was obviously a time before I was married. I still have friends from that time period.

I currently play DnD on a weekly basis with my Husband, my middle school best friend, anddd

our DM. We jokingly call him Daddy Master because of a typo my Friend made in the group chat.

But god, if she only knew.

I keep getting distracted writing on here because obviously, I want to tell her something.

It’s “What I wouldn’t do to have gone home with Daddy Master tonight”

I hate knowing there was a time when that could have been what happened.

We had some dumb pizza and beer issues tonight and honestly, he handled it. It’s so fucked, I loved a masculine man. I love someone taking lead. I love someone driven to protect. Ugh, and his car was so so clean

So, we ordered food right? But it never came. It was some bullshit. So two hours later, Daddy Master in the front seat, my Friend in shotgun, me behind Daddy Master and my Husband behind my friend

Okay see pause and go back again, the reason calling this guy Daddy Master is extra funny to me, is because I literally used to go to this man when I was younger to get my fill of DD/lg play (it was a trade, I had to do feet stuff for him idk) and like this was all on a friends level because like

Like how I mentioned previously, I don’t entirely understand privacy and something that comes in tandem with that is I also didn’t understand boundaries and what was for people in relationships vs family vs friends of that makes sense.

Anyways. Uh, my Friend doesn’t know how I know our DM. My Husband knows to an extent. That we met on tinder. Same place I met my Husband, years later.

What the fuck was I trying to say

Oh

God I just, my husband isn’t… sexy when he’s mad. He’s effeminate, in like a whimper/panic stutter frustration way, but then also he’s… he’s prone to hit… things…

But Daddy Master? Bruh.

$€£¥

Sorry. Okay I need like a 4th person pronoun that isn’t “Chat” that I can reliably say to address the readers or else Bruh and bro (my default words) are going to be everywhere here

Dearest Reader. DeRe. Boy if that don’t look like someone making fun of John Deer products in the sponagar voice

Ugh

Anyways, I think I WILL make content on here. A mixed media diary. I used to do comic strip diaries at one point. I won’t take it that far but def anticipate some soundgasm audios attached here and there

I want to tell people things but I feel the meds kicking in, and it’s so late at night.

I’m going to go listen to some audios and jill off now. Ugh. I’ll become a better writer as this goes, I’m sure

Goodnight 1:24AM

05202024

[somian-audere]

ENTRY XXXIII

Of New Years and New Fears

Happy new year, everyone.

            The holidays had been surprisingly kind to me, got to meet up with a few relatives and for once it wasn’t a complete pain in my behind save for one event that I’ll save for later. Went swimming with two of my cousins. The two were in elementary school, one was in the sixth grade and the other was in fourth grade, I believe? The details got a bit muddled since I was just quietly enjoying my time in the inadequately short swimming pool.

Look, I love swimming okay? It's one of the few cardiovascular exercises that don't make me sweat so much...on the account that I'm already wet from the start.

Back on topic, my cousins were an interesting pair of lads.

            Reminded me of how I was back when I was their age albeit I’d like to believe I was much better behaved than they were. After all, I had to maintain my rank as the ‘most behaved student’ AKA the student that didn’t talk much. Throwaway awards aside, the two had a surprisingly morbid and weird sense of shared humor. Granted, I’m pretty sure everyone’s gone through their hyper edgy, dark humor phase. I knew I did.  I won’t delve into it since a ton of the jokes they said would’ve gotten them canceled on this corner of the internet, besides they’re kids, they’ll figure it out eventually, right?

Yeah, I know, cousin of the year.

            But hey, I’m not their parents, go sue me. I’m not about to lecture kids on why their jokes are offensive, not while I’m laughing along with them. What can I say? My sense of humor is juvenile.

Besides that,

            A ton of my relatives pointed out how big I was getting. Admittedly I’m not sure whether to take that as an insult or a complement, because I had been bulking up thanks to my work-out routine. Another factor to consider is the fact that I have also been getting heavier due to my recent medication. Turns out I had hyperthyroidism, so I had to take meds which may have been contributing to my recent density increase. Truth be told, my body has been getting a bit heavier for my liking and even though my thyroid hormones are reaching normal levels, my sweat levels are still off the charts.

Perhaps I should try a healthier diet for the year.

            But I swear to God, each time I try my family always ends up with more food than we know how to deal with after the holidays and then I have to deal with a ton of the leftovers! I’m never going to get rid of my beer belly at this point.

So that’s two resolutions for the year: Be healthy, and be less sweaty.

            Two things that I have struggled with for years, we’re off to a great start.

Speaking of things that I’ve struggled with.

            This year, I intend to stop pursuing something that’s a bit more personal. A last shot at something before I try something new. I have a plan A and B for it, but the chances of both plans failing are at an all time high. I’m…not sure what I can do if I fail at both things but doing both of them feels like the safest option.

I can’t go into depth about the two plans but I guess I can talk about them discreetly enough.

Plan A.

            I’ve been trying at this one for years. Each attempt has only resulted in marginal improvements, it’s good but not enough—the story of my life summed up in a single statement. I’m not even motivated to try all that much this time, even after months of ‘preparing’ for it. If I succeed in this matter, it feels like I’ll end up in the same place I did months ago. I can’t…I can’t go through that again. But if I fail, then I let a ton of people down. Is that a fair price? My pain for the satisfaction of others?

Plan B.

            This one’s a more recent endeavor—it’s a solid option if I succeed in it given my current circumstances. Scary thing about it is I have no clue as to how it might end up in a few years’ time. I still have debts to pay for the next few years and I’m not sure if it’ll be able to cover that. Furthermore, I have already tried for this and absolutely fumbled the bag. I’m willing to try again for it, if that’s what it takes.

I have never been one for gambling.

            And yet my life has the need to raise the stakes anyways. If you’re afraid that I’m betting my life on two very flimsy options then know that I have a third less concrete but equally flimsy option along the way.

…

Contrary to what everyone knows about me, I am not a very smart person.

            I have no clue what to do with the rest of my life now. And all I can do is come up with elaborate plans to tide the coming storm—trying to find a way to give myself more time to figure things out. But I never do.

And I guess that’s probably the last resolution for this year: Figure things out.

Let’s all have a great 2024.

[pretendstoread]

first...second...second first

it's funny that every time i think about writing i never really know what to say. i don't remember making this account in 2018, or writing for the first time on here. i've gone back and forth between journaling--where to do it, if it's even helping me--and there's a strong chance that i'll move on from this just like the other journals and modes of expression.

i've just been kinda uninspired. i fear that i wasnt born to be an artist. i dont think i Do enough. i dont really photograph. nothing really inspires me anymore. i'm kinda worried that new york's tap has run dry, but i dont think it's effective to blame the city i live in instead of myself. this has been a problem of mine for years now. why is it so hard to express yourself?!! i feel like i have a lot in me and yet no way to show for it. i dont know if i have a good work life balance. i dont know if thats even the problem? it's just.....so easy to do nothing....? but it doesnt make me happy??? but i keep doing nothign anyway??? maybe THIS is the first step to that. there's a bit of ego in making this. like. diary public. though i dont really think anyone will see it (and i don't care (but i will tag this anyway and maybe check if it gets any notes)). but i dont mean it to be egotistical.

i am a product of post internet use. i grew up expressing myself online. i was on facebook in fifth grade, tumblr in middle school, wattpad/ao3 and stan twitter in high school, art school in college, and back on twitter as a young adult. there has never been a point where i wasn't trying to put myself out there somehow, to be seen and shared and agreed with or admired or congratulated or impressed by. this pressure To Be Seen at 24 feels the most strong. the strongest ever felt. everywhere all the time i see and am told that i have so much time and that 20s are just the beginning. but it doesnt feel that way at all. it LOOMS over me. life shouldnt be Established but it should be.....Impressive? thats the second time i used impressive in this post so thats some subconscious thing going on there. But much of life right now is waking up, going to work, hating work, coming home, sitting on the couch until it's time for bed (which i either fall asleep right there or lazily flop into bed--and consequently miss taking my antianxiety meds), and then i wake up all over again. there's nothing to really show for. i don't feel like an interesting person. i dont feel like i do enough for myself. i guess i have a fear that i will be in this cycle for so long that one day it's 20 years later and nothings reallllllly changed. like. fundamentally.

i cannot think that far ahead. i have no ten year plan, 5 year, one year, 6 months...but i will be a fucking doomer about myself every chance i get. it's, of course, easier to catastrophize in the moment. lower expectations = less chance of disappointment! i think it's also interesting that the only things i really journal about are negative thoughts. wtf is that about. i'm not even necessarily unhappy right now.

things that make me feel Happy:

having enough food in the house that i can make something without having to go out or order in

laying in the sun on the beach after getting bodied by waves

creme soda

when i'm wearing a dress and dont care about my underwear showing (i like to spread! im sitting knees up at my desk right now!!)

catching someone i like looking at me (does it mean anything extra if they're drinking something at the same time....? and they don't break eye contact...?)

customizable internet--the past now....i remember when tumblr was a WEBSITE more than an APP. we must free ourselves from The Profile.

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

256 of 2023

What states have you been to in the past year?:

None. Never been to any state in my life.

Have you ever sleepwalked?:

Not that I know of.

What year was your house built?:

Probably somewhere in the 18th century.

Do you feel like you have more in common with men or with women?:

Men as I’m one of them, but I can’t fully identify with the stereptype of a man, probably because I’m gay lol.

What’s your favorite superhero movie?:

Superheroes suck, and so do movies. In my opinion at least.

Do you want children? Why/why not?:

No, I don’t ant to be responsible for yet another human being.

Do you have any credit card debt?

No, I don’t even have a credit card. My husband does, though, but it’s small.

Have you ever been really late for work because you slept past your alarm?:

No, I always get up when my alarm rings.

Are you good at reading people?:

Nope. I never know what they’re thinking.

Who do you go to for relationship advice?:

Nancy or Stephanie. They’re both more experienced than me, and it’s sometimes good to see things from a woman’s perspective.

What was your favorite way to spend a summer day as a kid?:

Outside, playing with our friends. We were damn creative :D

What’s the longest you’ve worked without a day off?:

Half a year, we have mandatory breaks at summer.

Have you ever been scammed?:

I get spam emails and text messages trying to get money from my bank account, but I’m not an idiot. They still keep trying, though.

Do you know anyone who works in the tech industry in Silicon Valley?:

What is Silicon Valley even?

Do you wear eyeliner?:

No, I don’t. Hardcore goth phase is over, and long gone with the wind.

Did you ever take a personal finance class in school?:

European education sydtems don’t work the same as American. Our classes are mandatory.

Where were you the last time you kissed someone?:

In bed.

How’s your mental health? Are you feeling well?:

I have anxiety, take meds for it, and it’s getting better, but not 100% yet.

Do you struggle with acne?:

No, I don’t. Never was, honestly. I must be one of these lucky guys.

Did you have a Xanga page back in the pre-Myspace days?:

Never had either of these.

Around what year did you start using the internet, anyways?:

2005, I think.

Do you have any uncommon interests or hobbies?:

Yes, anything radio-related. Ham radio, signal identification, number stations and such.

What’s something that would make you incredibly happy right now?:

Going to visit my parents.

What did you do for your 16th birthday?:

Nothing. 16 is not a milestone here.

What temperature do you keep your thermostat set at in the winter?:

20°C.

Have you ever been to the Caribbean?:

No, I haven’t.

Have you ever fostered an animal?:

Do my cats count?

What did you have for breakfast this morning?:

Yogurt and some fruit.

What’s your favorite form of exercise?:

Walking.

Have you ever drank so much that you passed out?:

Boring question.

[one-real-imonkey]

*sticks head into your askbox* Tell me about your Coruscant Guard AU? 👉👈

Ok, so, the Guard deserve love, and respect, and lots of hugs.

They don’t get nearly enough.

The Guard are extremely isolated from the rest of the GAR. In far to many ways. It’s not just the distance, it’s that they’re never on the front lines.

The rest of the army think they’re paper pushers, that they never see any danger, that they’re weak and cowards.

None of it’s true. Sure they have a lot of paperwork, sure they aren’t fighting the droids, but they deal with all sorts of other threats not to mention the Senators themselves.

They’re constantly dehumanised and abused verbally and physically and threatened, it’s actually worse for them than on any of the front lines. Just in different ways. The few vode who transfer into the Guard are horrified.

No one outside has any idea what their vode go through.

They don’t have a Jedi to go to, they don’t have other units to rely on, they don’t have any escape and they cannot be transferred. All they can do it look after each other and do everything they can to stay alive and keep each other alive.

The GAR think they’re weak for how often they end up in the med bay for one reason or another. They don’t know about the abuse, the beatings they’re not allowed to defend themselves against, they don’t know that Fix made it mandatory to come in after shift if you were tased because the shocks can be bad for the heart (they don’t know the vode in the CG can be tased) they don’t know that the CMO can override when rations are cut so vode can eat. Some of the senators would forget they put the sanction on and not take it off, others didn’t care. It was a loophole, but it saved them from starving to death.

None of the Guard like putting the other vode from the GAR into the drunk tank, in fact at first they try not to, but when their own siblings are the ones yelling abuse at them and throwing things at them and acting out, something in the CG collectively snapped.

If they weren’t going to act like Vode, they weren’t going to be treated like Vode. They weren’t going to be protected the way the Guard have to protect each other.

It ended up being just another divide that isolated them further.

Palpatine planned on it, but he had no idea it would be so effective. He barely even had to use the chips to use members of the Guard to start conflicts or his Sith influence to create an aura of hostility between the Guard and the rest of the GAR. He still does both, of course, but even without that the gaps were forming.

The Sith influence hangs heavy on Coruscant. The clones who are rarely there can barely feel it, same with the Jedi, but the ones under it are weighed down by it without knowing. And it amplifies conflict and splits and divides, sows chaos. Batches are supposed to stick together no matter where they get posted, but the ones in the Guard are almost always cut off and left behind. The Jedi can’t feel it because they’ve been slowly stewing in it for about 700 years.

Because they’re so isolated, cut off from their other vode across the galaxy, they bond even more tightly to one another.

No matter how awful things get, they always have each other. There’s always someone there to give a hug and to listen or talk to. To bandage your wounds and keep the nightmares at bay. Because that’s what siblings do, even if the rest of their siblings have forgotten that and left them behind.

Their culture can differ from the rest of the GAR, not just from isolation but the heavy Coruscant influence. They managed to get ahold of a load of Coruscant reality TV and baking shows and all sorts, they use common phrases that the other clones don’t know because they aren’t exposed to it. That and slang including the teenager slang and memes and jokes.

The first time a group of teens heading home from school overheard a couple of clones making jokes using a meme while on patrol they choked on laughs and one fell of the curb.

They’re also willing to mangle the jokes to make kids laugh, teens too, sometimes. They help out on the lower levels with childcare and youth centres and even some of the nurseries and schools as volunteers, and helping the kids when they’re scared or upset or need it is their pleasure. The kids love them too, because they play and have fun in a way a lot of grownups don’t. (And I’m sure that has nothing to do with their being 8-14 and children at heart even if they were forced to grow up at twice the age and be soldiers. Nothing at all.) People are grateful for them.

In fact they’re actually building a defence on the lower levels, a group of people who are starting to value at the very least the Guard and loathe every new bruise they have. A lot of these people feel abandoned by the Senate and upper classes, the same people they know are abusing and enslaving the CG. A lot of these people are Freed former slaves, more than a few know what abuse looks like. They can’t do much to help the Guard, but they do what they can. It’s greatly appreciated.

The vode hold singing competitions in the barracks, every single one of them had to learn how to dance, for duty and for fun. Not disco dancing but formal. In case they’re asked for a gala instead of being asked to stand motionless against the wall like ornaments. Or just to take the piss of senators in their free time.

They manage to get the things they need to bake and sew and find creative outlets. They read and watch movies and play sports. There are upsides to being grounded.

They have dancing competitions and singing competitions of their own, pools for contestants as everyone picks who they want to win, vode trying to recreate the dance routines. They learn internet dances and social media trends. A few of those get out and go viral on the Star Wars version of TikTok or Insta or whatever.

A lot of their messing around is filmed, most of it, and while the internet trends are put out harmlessly, the other stuff is kept filed away. Even those would often revive concerned comments about the bruises, but they’d usually be brushed off as combat injuries for soldiers. A lot of it goes out with the abuse footage Hound releases. To humanise the Vode at the same time as exposing the crimes.

The first people to stand up and share their own stories and claim their defence of the CG were some of the people on the lower levels. Then Freed slaves and planets like Naboo and Alderaan and Rhyloth.

Of course, the day the footage goes out it’s also seen by the Jedi and the rest of the GAR. They’re horrified. They had no idea.

The Guard know they didn’t know, the Guard are willing to forgive, but the gaps take time to heal. It’s a good thing Palpatine is gone, the war is over, and they have the time to do just that.

———

Thanks for the ask. This was fun and I love this AU.

:-) Inbox is always open.

[shianhygge-imagines]

Playing the Game {Devil May Cry} x {Among Us}

AN: So, I’ve been playing a lot of Among Us in my down time. My old coworkers from Uniqlo (haven’t worked with them for around a year and a half now, love them to bits though) have been inviting me to play full games. And because everyone else seems to really love the Among Us content on Tumblr now, I figured, why not? It’s easy enough to write something for it.

So, anyways, this is actually a one-shot instead of a headcanon. And there are technically no pairings. Reader was written Gender Neutral as well.

If you like the content I create, please consider donating to my Ko-fi! Please help me feed my tea addiction!

|Masterlist Link|

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27th September - 04:58pm - Devil May Cry

It’s a miracle that everyone happened to be in the same place at the same time when Patty barged into Devil May Cry with a cart full of laptops. Dante had gone to hide as soon as his Patty senses tingled, practically pulling off an acrobatic feat just to get to the second floor in time. Curious as to what the young lady wanted, you put your book down and stood to help the blonde mortal with her burden.

“It’s good to see you, Patty. Dante’s currently expelling his stomach lining in the bathroom.” From behind you, both Vergil and Nero snorted at your comment while V quirked a brow at your antics. “Were you looking for him?”

“Yeah! I found a new game we call all play!” Patty lifted a small laptop, presenting it to you. “We can all play it if we have enough players… but um… I can wait until Dante’s out of the bathroom. Is he okay?”

Taking the laptop, you waved nonchalantly with a grin. “Oh, he’ll be fine. It was just a week old pizza. He’ll be down once he’s done! Until then, take a seat at his desk!” You take your seat between Vergil and V on one of the couches, opening up the laptop to glance blankly at the only desktop icon on the screen, then at the bar at the bottom showing that was connected to the internet already. “Is the game called ‘Among Us’?”

Patty nods with a hum, opening her own personal laptop up. “It’s an online multiplayer game. You play as a space crew, walking around the map completing tasks in the form of mini games. All crew members have to complete their tasks to win the game.”

“There’s a catch, isn’t there?” Nero scoffed, peering over your shoulder at the computer screen when you opened up the game. Kyrie and Nico also joined him in taking a peek.

“Yeah! Each game has anywhere from one to three imposters.” Patty informed, nodding her head as she explained, beyond ecstatic that you were seemingly interested in playing. “The imposters look like crew members, but their job is to sabotage or kill the crew, preventing the crew members from winning. Imposters have a little menu that they can use to turn off lights, or shut doors. They also have an advantage of being able to enter vents to escape an area. Imposters win when they’ve cut down crew member number enough. To weed out the Imposters, crew members can report any bodies they find or press the emergency button on the map once per player to have a meeting. From there, players can present evidence of a player being innocent or guilty of being an Imposter, and the crew can vote whoever they think is ‘Sus’ or suspicious off the ship.”

“So it’s a game of skillful assassination and deceit.” Vergil summarized, now slightly interested in participating.

“Perhaps a bit of patience and being able to read others.” V interjected, closing his book to shoot a judgmental expression at Vergil… one that the elder Sparda twin gladly returned with a haughty smirk. It’s nice to know that even if V was once a part of Vergil, they still feel disdain towards one another.

Patty thinks for a moment, her blue eyes observing your group by the couch for a moment before nodding, “Yeah, I guess it is! Gotta be careful though, because Imposters can self report their kill… but they also have a kill countdown… but even if a crew mate is killed, they can still roam the map completing their tasks as ghosts. Obviously though, if you die, you can’t tip off who the Imposter is to people who are alive. Once Dante’s back, we’ll have a few practice rounds before doing an official round.”

“Count us in.” All heads in the downstairs area turned as Dante descended the stairs, Lady and Trish behind him. “Bunch of hunters like us? It’ll be a piece of cake.”

Official Round Start

When the first official game started, you were all seated in various locations of Devil May Cry’s first floor, laptops in your laps and noise cancelling headphones on. The front door was locked, sign flipped to read ‘CLOSED’ so that nobody interrupted the series of unfortunate events unfolding within the shop.

There were ten players in total: You (Purple), Dante (Red), Vergil (Blue), Nero (White), Kyrie (Cyan), Nico (Green), V (Black), Trish (Yellow), Lady (Orange), and Patty (Pink).

When the countdown finished, and your screen went black, you schooled your face until it was carefully blank. Well, well… this will be fun. You decide when the screen informs you that you and Kyrie are the Imposters. Discreetly, you and Kyrie glance up to look around the room before winking at one another and directing your eyes back down to the computer screen.

The map that Patty had chosen was the Skeld with two short tasks, two normal tasks, and one long task.

Starting off in the Cafeteria, you moved down to Admin, following as Vergil, Dante, and Nico went to do their tasks in the room while you sat at wires, watching until one of them moved. Walking out just as the task bar went up, you headed down and right until you were in Shields.

You watched as Nico and V passed you before moving up towards Weapons, where you saw Trish downloading files. Quickly, you walked behind her and clicked the Kill button before venting, popping up in Navigation just as Kyrie knocked out the lights.

Deciding to take the risk, you went into the other vent in Navigation and popped out at Shields again, moving out of that hallway to Storage, pretending to empty out the trash just as Vergil passed you by with Dante at his tail, making deliberate and erratic movements. Just as you are about to Sabotage Comms, a meeting is called, and you notice that V was killed along with Trish. Shrugging, you take off your headphones with everyone else.

“VERGIL’S SUS!” Dante pointed at Vergil with a grin.

You could practically see Vergil’s last thread of patience snap, “If anyone’s suspicious, it was you!”

“Kyrie and I found V’s body in the Cafeteria right after the lights were fixed.” Nero announced, interrupting his father and uncle to look at V, who just sighed heavily and took out a book, refusing to make any facial expressions to help the Crew… and ignoring the superior stare that Vergil aimed at him. Well, this is going to get tiring really quick, isn’t it. You deadpan at their interactions, hoping that they would just warm up to one another already.

“Well, I can account for Lady, Dante, and Y/N.” Vergil sighed, lips thinning in displeasure that they were two down already. “Lady was already fixing lights, and Y/N was coming from the east side to do the garbage… Dante has been following me the entire game.”

“Did anyone happen to see where Trish’s body was? Or where she headed off to from the start?” You asked.

“Trish headed to MedBay while Kyrie and I went to the Engine and Reactor.” Nero piped up, “I didn’t see her for the rest of the round.”

“Okay…” Lady mumbled before her heterochromatic eyes landed on Patty, who jolted from the older woman’s intense stare. “Patty, where were you?”

Patty paused to think, “When the alarm was sounded, I was with Nico in Security.”

“Can confirm!” Nico nodded with a ‘humph.’

“But before that, I went to Weapons to shoot asteroids, looped back into Cafeteria to go down to Storage to do a task there. I was just behind Y/N as they headed off to the right side… and then I went left into the Lower Engine before meeting up with Nico.” Patty concluded.

“Are we going to vote this round?” Vergil wondered, eyes fixed upon the timer countdown. “Or should we skip?”

“Hold on, Vergil.” Lady raised a hand before continuing to stare down Patty. “So you were the last one in the Cafeteria?”

“Um… that I know of?” Patty raised a brow, “But that was like at the beginning of the round.”

“So, you could have killed V at the very beginning.” Lady’s eyes narrowed, “That’s a bit suspicious.”

“So… voting out Patty?” Nico asked, seemingly convinced. “We could wait, but…”

“I voted already.” Lady chimed.

“Done.” Vergil confirmed.

“Well, if we’re sure…” Nero shrugged.

“Wait! That’s jumping wayyyy too into conclusions!” Patty protested. “There were a lot of people near the Cafeteria. They could have done it during the black out.”

“Nah, a lot of us were accounted for.” Dante clicked his tongue before turning to look at Patty. “Sorry, Patty.”

You and Kyrie had already voted. The only one who didn’t vote for Patty had been Nico.

Patty screamed in frustration before falling silent, “You all suck!”

Patty has been ejected.

“Nico, why didn’t you vote?” Nero questioned his mechanic, “You’re the one who asked to vote Patty out.”

“Sus-pi-cious~~~” Lady sang quickly before you all put your headphones back on.

The next round, you watched as Vergil, Dante, and Lady headed off to the right side before dancing back and forth in front of Nico and Kyrie, asking them wordlessly to follow you to the MedBay. When Kyrie followed me, Nero followed after her.

Once all four of you were in the MedBay, you pretended to complete a task while Nico got a med-scan. Almost all at once, you Sabotaged the MedBay doors as well as O2 within a few seconds before you and Kyrie got a double kill, getting Nico and Nero both at once. Both of you took the vent into Security before killing the Lights, walking down together to Electrical, where you turned the lights back on. Just as you were about to exit the room with Kyrie, you two encounter Dante, Vergil, and Lady.

Noticing that the cooldown had ended for the Kill button, you clicked on it, watching as your character stabbed Vergil’s in the back with a knife. It seemed that Kyrie had the same idea, as Dante was dead once the animation was over.

The screen went black and you and Kyrie cheered, throwing ‘air-fives’ at each other from across the room.

Everyone took their headphones off, shocked as their eyes trained upon you and Kyrie.

“What… the hell.” Nico muttered.

“I TOLD YOU GUYS IT WASN’T ME!” Patty screamed at everyone in the room, slumping in her seat and pouting.

“That was scarily efficient.” Dante groaned, staring at you and Kyrie with a new light.

Nero groaned and buried his face in his hands, “I knew there was something odd going on when we lost one another by the upper engine when the lights went out.”

“Hehe.” Kyrie laughed sheepishly, patting Nero on the shoulder. “Oops?”

“Y/N! I trusted you!” Nico wailed, looking as if cartoon tears would be streaming down her face if possible.

Raising a single hand up, you grinned and made the sign for ‘Victory.’ “I guess you guys just can’t underestimate us, then!”

“Another round.” Vergil demanded, glaring at you with a challenge in his eyes. “If I’m Imposter, you won’t be able to escape me. And if you’re the Imposter… then you won’t get the drop on me twice.”

You all grinned, and clicked on the ‘play again’ button. “Challenge accepted.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[dyketubbo]

vent under the readmore bc its too much for tags and too long + triggering to just let be out in the open. its about, you guessed it, the same shit as always. qpr 3m3raldduo discourse my beloved, youve been treating me so well /s

sighs. love seeing a post that i agree with just to look at ops tags and realize theyre fucking vaguing me and taking my words out of context. not to be dramatic but i would literally prefer being fucking dead if it meant i could stop being peoples controversial talking point. i know people might see this and just go "ohh you should take a break/go outside if criticism is effecting you that much :/" but at this point its just legit people fucking insulting me and talking behind my back and bringing shit up that i just want to let die by now.

ive been taking breaks, ive gone outside 50 goddamn times just today, ive tried to read books, ive tried to be social, ive taken care of myself as best as i can but this shit legit makes me want to just fucking kill myself so i dont have to see this anymore.

in all seriousness, and im sorry to be public about this, i feel like im genuinely having one of the worst relapses of my life because of this. im starting to feel how i did when i was being abused but this time instead of an abuser its strangers on the internet talking about me and somehow that just feels worse. and this time im actually fucking trying to get better, ive taken my meds, im trying to treat myself, im trying to distract myself and im trying to take a step back and do what makes me happy but every single day since that fucking post ive seen someone talk shit about me and it all comes crashing down again. i was actually fucking happy for once, i genuinely thought itd be okay, but now im just. suicidal again.

its all fucking reset. im so tired of being hated. i hate knowing that theres people talking about me right now. theres people talking about me. theres people insulting me, theres people who hate me, who are genuinely having fucking discourse because of me. god, theyre fucking watching me. people i dont know, people i cant know, theyre watching me, talking about me, theres genuinely people who could be searching for my fucking information right now and theres nothing i can do to stop them.

and in the end im just going to look like a whiny bitch trying to guilttrip people and play the victim. i hate this, i hate myself and i hate all the people who are making me feel this way. i just want to fucking end it, man. anything to just get them to stop.

at this point i doubt even deleting or apologizing would be enough. its not like i could be genuine about it. im just, tired. my delusions are starting to come true in front of my very eyes. im right to be paranoid, im finding evidence that i was right all along to be scared, to feel unsafe. and even if i leave, there will always be people talking about me, because itll still be around. it really does just feel like suicide is the only option so i can escape this shit because real life isnt any goddamn better, my family sucks, i only turned 16 last year and covids still a thing so its not like i can drive or move out or anything, schools a fucking nightmare, i dont have any irl friends because everyone my age is racist, queerphobic, ableist, or all of the above, and i cant tell everything to my therapist because i dont want to risk upsetting the peace at home right now. at this point its just like, shit, give them something to talk about, yknow? go out in a big burst and then be nothing for the rest of existence. i dont have any plans, nor anything to do it with, so im not in any danger. i just, want to. god, i really really want to.

[literaphobe]

Im so sorry...is your sister a minor

yeah she’s 17. i really don’t blame her it just sucks. anyway i think i needed to work through this but its also way too long so 

lol like that was supposed to be my birthday gift but it has now become a romantic getaway for a man and his gf (who is 18 years younger than him) and my sister and one of her friends. at like. one of the most expensive hotels in the country. the same man who guilted me into giving private tutoring to 8 students at a time while i was a student because he apparently is super poor and has no money and no job. (i started tutoring for extra money and to just. have a job. because he has also given me shit about that before too. if i don’t have a job i’m like a useless baby child who he can never trust to be responsible for her own life. turns out that was just a load of bullshit to trap me. and yeah i was teaching 8-9 students at some point and i think i was like telling him hey i don’t know if this is a good idea. its a little crazy. and he was like no u should keep doing it. its money u should just earn it. we aren’t doing great financially and at some point we might need ur help paying for ur sister’s tutoring classes. and so i did and it hurt me SO much last semester. + covid but also. it was tutoring mostly lmao) 

anyway i just. the thought of everything made me cry a lot in the shower lol. like that. quiet cry where u are sobbing uncontrollably but u have to mute it as much as possible so that ur mother who’s washing dishes in the kitchen doesn’t hear it

today we had some ikea furniture delivered. and i was assembling it. and my mom told me “when we were married i was always the one putting together the IKEA furniture. ur dad would always get frustrated and give up” and then in the shower i realized that’s exactly how my dad treats me lmao. i am.... his ikea furniture

so like. i can actually trace the most recent incident of abuse i faced from him back to when. i allowed him to “help” me with my university degree transfer issues. u know. because i couldn’t do the coding degree he pressured me into doing. and wanted to do something else (i could’ve gone to my uni open house w my friends. who ended up entering the arts faculty. and i WANTED to do psychology in the arts faculty too. but my dad and his gf were there. and they just. told me if i did that i would have no future and no job prospects when i graduated. which is SO fucking funny because both of them individually. their grades were super fucking shit and they were never good enough to get into the school that i did. so they had no fucking business telling me what i should or shouldn’t do. but i didn’t know that because they lied to me. my dad lied to me about so many things to scare me into thinking i couldn’t do anything. and at this point in my life. they were still monitoring my internet usage. and there were restrictions set on my phone. mere. months. before i was meant to be a university student. even getting restrictions off my phone was a big fight i had to have. i bought my own laptop with money i made from this f&b job because i knew if i waited for them to get one for me i would be waiting forever. and i was just so fucking scared of them so i got a. ‘practical’ degree. and then slid off my adhd meds because even that felt like part of the trap they kept me in for years) 

i decided i wanted to do linguistics and become a linguistics major but my school wasn’t letting me. and it had been a year. so i let him and my mom get involved. which i had SUCH a bad feeling about. an awful awful bad feeling. i was right lmao. i should’ve known his involvement wouldn’t have done shit and would also. set me up for yet another Major Traumatic Incident. which i have spent the entirety of 2020 trying to avoid. do you know how stressful and tiring it feels to just like. every moment around ur own father is u just trying to walk on eggshells praying and hoping that nothing bad will happen. i tried so hard and it fell apart in the end anyway. he couldn’t fix this problem so he took it out on me

my school essentially texted us back saying “we get a shit load of transfer requests every year, even from students from other schools. ur grades from the classes u took aren’t good enough to justify a transfer” and like they were right. i had been off my meds. various things in life had happened. my commute situation wasn’t helping matters either (to and from was 2 hours each) and it has just. not been great. grandad passed away like 2 weeks ago or something at that point. which. may have been an underlying cause for the situation. or maybe he was always going to blow up at me and get violent and crazy. idk

anyway. i guess u could say it is ‘my fault’ for cutting off contact w my father n not speaking to him. but also. he threatened to throw me into a mental institute. and also. violently refused to let me leave the house so he could keep yelling at me. he physically would not let me. i yelled at him to just let me go but he implied that he would actually hurt me if i tried to get past him again. and he said all sorts of shit like he can be crazy too and he can be crazier than me which is something he’s said before. what triggered me to leave was. ok so in the beginning he was giving me the same thing he has yelled at me about over the years. i am super super fucking smart but i waste it all away on purpose and refuse to get my shit together and that’s somehow a personal attack on him. i can’t remember most of it by now. but anyway. i was tearing up and keeping absolutely quiet just waiting for it to be over so i could leave and go to another room. but then he started to. yell at me for crying. its so fucking ironic and weird because in a separate previous incident i was complaining about my school and how much it all was. and i was barely raising my voice but he was like woah woah stop being so emotional!!! as if he doesn’t regularly scream and shout and punch walls or whatever the fuck over the SMALLEST bullshit. anyway. he started to scold me for crying. and then he said ‘if you go out in the future and get a job are you going to cry like this too when ur boss scolds you? or are you acting like this because i’m family and you think its okay?’ as if. i have never had a job. as if i have never had to deal with a boss. bro i swear to fucking god. i am dead to most things now because of him. he can’t do shit. but. in the moment i found this so ridiculous and just SO fucking stupid that i left. i had had enough. i started laughing and i walked out and went to grab my bag so i could go. i didn’t. get very far obviously. and when my dad started threatening me i genuinely thought i was going to die. he was so angry and deranged that i thought he was going to murder me. my heart was going just. so so so fast. even tho i was just standing there. and i told him he was terrifying me (to which he said “GOOD”) and i just NEEDED to get out of this situation and get some space (to which he said “NO” repeatedly). he refused to admit that he would use actual violence to prevent me from leaving the house. he told me he would NEVER let me leave. which was fucking ridiculous. i stay at his house. 2 days out of the fucking week. he literally shoved me backwards so hard when i was trying to leave and he wanted to stop me. he also refused to admit that he used violence or was planning to use violence. i tried to point out this flaw in his logic to him. i said ur going to hurt me. he said no. i said ok then if ur not going to hurt me then let me walk past you and leave the house. he also said no again. and then our cousins rang the door at some point. so then he started to come to his senses. he was like. ‘the reason i don’t want to let you leave is because i’m afraid you’ll hurt yourself.’ which was so fucking stupid. i have NEVER threatened to hurt myself in front of him. i have never shared ANY thoughts of self harm in front of him. he’s the one who would get into massive fights w his dad and threaten to jump out of the window in anger (and i don’t even mean when he was younger. he would fight with his 93 year old dad. fucking stupid bitch). i made this clear to him that i was never ever planning on hurting myself. and then he said fine and let me leave. meaning i had to answer the door to my cousins in tears while he got to walk back to his room and lock himself in

he also. at some point during this argument, told me there would be consequences to me leaving. i guess i know those consequences now lmao. and like. i went home to my moms house. my cousins walked me there. i still haven’t told them. idk if my dad told them. my dad texted me to gaslight me. said that when he said he was going to put me in a mental hospital he meant it as a friendly suggestion because of ‘the state i was in’. and that it ‘wasn’t meant as a threat’ and like. oof. healthy suggestions aren’t meant to be yelled. anyway. i might be texting him. just to inform him about developments and to like. i guess set boundaries maybe. idk. i can’t carry on like this. i hate him and am terrified of him but. cutting him out of my life is basically inviting ostracism from his side of the family. and it’s putting so much stress on me. so. lol

[extemporaneousmusings]

2020 reflections below

To be honest, 2020 has been the best year I’ve had since 2016. Obviously on a global scale it has been absolutely devastating, and there are aspects of my life that were significantly impacted by the pandemic—I had to leave Greece suddenly in March, several months earlier than anticipated, and in doing so lost some crucial time that I was supposed to have spent with the physical materials of my dissertation—but on a personal level this year has been the most stable and comfortable I’ve been since my accident in 2017. I was not dealing with a massive physical or mental health crisis, or the immediate aftermaths of either of those things, and that is something I do not take lightly.

I spent the first 3 months of the year hiking across Greece, basically. It was really tough—I was pretty depressed, although my meds had just been boosted so I was feeling better than I had in fall of 2019, and obviously missing Ian and Macy was not an easy thing to sit with—but I did it! I had literally planned my entire life for the past 5 years around this time in Greece, and even though we didn’t completely finish the program and the scheduled trips, I still accomplished what I set out to do: I was able to do the hikes and got to explore the country that I love. After my accident, my sole goal was to be able to get my ankle to a place where I could do the program. It was really fucking hard, and there’s still so much more work I can do on my ankle (which is a source of deep resentment for me, something I’m working on) but at the end of the day, I got myself to a place where I could, with some difficulty, do this really physically strenuous thing that had been such a major goal of mine for years. I got to travel the Greek countryside and see hundreds of archaeological sites in a way that is basically impossible unless you’re doing it with the American School. Mentally I was not as present as I would have liked to be, which is something I think I’ll always regret, but I gave it all I had, mentally and physically. Even if I am hazy on a lot of the details, I’ll remember the exultant physical sensations of reaching a peak and taking in the view below, the sweet succulent taste of oranges in the height of their season, plucked straight off the tree, searching every museum for my pots, pushing myself physically to the limit every day but still being able to wake up and do it again the next, trying regional cuisine from across the country, and the camaraderie that all of us built together on that bus and on those hikes. And of course, the saving grace and defining point of the school year for me was spending time with Ev. He already was one of my best friends, so the opportunity to go on this adventure together was so exciting, but he really kept me sane, made me laugh with his stupid fucking jokes, stayed in the back of the pack with me when I was having especially bad ankle days, and our companionship brought me so much joy and support. It’s very likely that we’ll never live in the same place together again, and I will always cherish the time we had together this past year.

My life since returning to Cincy in March has been very stable and consistent. Except for having to TA on campus on Friday’s during the fall, we’ve both just been at home. E’s been out of a job the whole time, but we are very lucky that (bc Cincy is so affordable) just my grad student salary has been able to financially support us. Money is tight, all my savings are gone after Macy’s surgery in July, but we are very lucky to have support systems to rely upon should we need to (fingers crossed we won’t), and that for now, just my income alone can pay all of the bills so that Ian does not have to be on the front lines at the bar, physically interacting with everyone who is still comfortable and selfish enough to be out partying during a global pandemic.

The biggest joy for me of this year was getting to spend 8 beautiful months with Macy. We had her for 3 months before I left for Greece last September, but I feel so blessed to have had more time with the three of us as a family this year, and to spend so much uninterrupted time with her because we were just in the apartment all of the time. I’ve written what seems like a lot about losing her, so I’m not really going to dwell on it, but despite her death I am still so happy to have had the time with her that I did, and to have loved and been so loved in return. I’m hopeful that I can build a relationship with Lulu like I had with Macy, and that as she settles in and settles down, and becomes secure in this new home, that our new family of three can thrive. Another element to this is the fact that basically our only physical socialization with friends came from going on dog walks, mainly with S&D. Since March we’ve seen them almost weekly and it’s been such a good routine and way to see them safely. We’ll all be getting more of a workout with Lulu, though. She’s much more intense about walks than Macy was.

When I first got back from Greece, I needed to just luxuriate in being home, and shortly after that I fell into the hockey rabbit hole. Which has been lovely, truly! I had been feeling a bit stagnant fandom wise, and it was so nice to have a whole new world opened to me, and to see a bunch of my mutuals all going through the process simultaneously was so fun. I still haven’t written anything, and I’m definitely not as involved as a lot of people, but I’ve never been someone who is super funny in quippy posts or makes a lot of connections quickly. But I’ve really been enjoying it, and I’m hoping that in 2021 I’ll be able to post some fic and make some more friends. My ephemeral relationships with people on tumblr have been important to me for many years, but I definitely have appreciated it the most this past year. Tumblr is a really big part of my life, and I love interacting with people/when people interact with my personal posts. It’s nice to have found a little pocket of the internet where I am safe and comfortable and around people I genuinely like.

Getting into hockey did divert my attention from my mental health, and the ways it was impacting my work, for a solid two months, though. I very much used it as a crutch to avoid some bigger issues that needed my focus, which I was diverting to think about big men fucking each other. In August I started seeing a therapist again. We had worked together briefly after my manic episode, because my old therapist had gotten a new job so she took me on for like a month before I left for Greece, and working with her again has been so helpful. I am so fortunate to have healthcare through grad school that makes going to therapy extremely affordable. It’s seriously been a saving grace for me. By working on my mental health consistently I have brought myself to a better, more stable and comfortable place than I’ve been in in years, and I feel empowered to continue on this path to keep accumulating skills and mental fortitude to help me in the future.

As a result of my consistent work on my mental heath, I’ve also been able to develop a much better, healthier relationship with work/my research more specifically. This summer I was in a place where I felt like it was impossible for me to write my proposal, let alone an actual dissertation, but I did write my proposal! And I’ve been building up routines and stamina and now feel like I actually can get this PhD. Which is great. I know it’s not going to be easy, and that I have a lot of difficulty ahead of me still, but I feel very confident in my ideas, and I am so much better equipped to handle things than before.

So yeah, I think that’s pretty much it. For 2021, I want to just keep going in the path that I’ve been forging for myself. The next things I’ll be focusing on are more intentionally working with my ankle, to try and alleviate the somewhat antagonistic relationship I have with it, and to feel more physically capable. I think that re-integrating yoga into my life will be big here, it’s been really helpful for me before, but I’ve let it slip, and then we’ll see what else I can do to help with this. I also want to continue to reinforce a work routine that suits me and maintain/adjust it when I (almost certainly) make the move back to Athens in September. And finally, I really want to post some TK/Patty fic! I have some ideas, some word docs, some (imo) well-selected lyrics for titles, and I just need to dig in a little more and try and unclench my mental knot of perfectionism, as I’ve been learning to ease it with regards to work stuff.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #474

“nothing flashed before my eyes  /  no pretty angels, no bright lights  /  all i saw was the devil’s soul, & it looked a hell a lot like my own”

Who are you most nervous about introducing potential significant others to? My dad. He can be a challenge. He says whatever comes to his mind the moment he thinks it, and it's not always nice. What is the most exciting thing about your life right now? My relationship, honestly. It feels like the one thing that's going right, but I'm concerned if I don't take care of the things that aren't going so well, that they will creep into my relationship and start breaking it down, ex. not having a job. What was the most important non-academic thing you learned in high school? To just keep pushing and not give up on life, and that it is full of phases, be them good, bad, or bland. Have you ever had a job that deeply affected your personal life? How so and do you still work there? No. Do you have a “one who got away”? I don't feel like that anymore. If you were in a supoerhero movie, would you be the hero or the villain? Because I like to help people, I'd like to be the hero, BUT villains are waaaay cooler. If you found a mouse in your house, would you be frightened? Frightened, no. I LOVE mice. I'd of course be startled and concerned about it getting into food, but I'd just calmly find a way to get it outside. Have you ever tried to perform magic tricks? I used to LOVE getting those little magic kits when the Scholastic fair came around! I had I want to say three and was pretty good at a lot of tricks in them. Can you do more with a yo-yo than just "go up and down"? No. What is one form of technology that you wouldn't be able to live without? The Internet for sure. Did you get an allowance, growing up? Why or why not? No. An allowance for three daughters was something my parents couldn't afford. Would you rather go to a water park or an amusement park? Why? An amusement park. They're more exciting to me, and somehow water parks seem dirtier with all the little kids and just alksdjlfa;wjke What is one instrument you wouldn't mind learning how to play? The violin. What's the longest amount of time you've had to wait in line for something? Probably something at Disney World as a kid, idr. What is something that you would like to learn more about? I ALWAYS want to learn more and more about meerkats. What is something that one of your family member collects? Mom collects owl stuff. Have you ever moved to a new school before? If so, how did it feel? No, except obviously when transferring from certain age ranges, like elementary to middle school. Have you ever legitimately forgotten to do homework? Yes, at least once in middle school. I felt SO awful and had to go outside of the classroom to do it while they were reviewing the work. Do you enjoy autumn leaves or spring flowers more? Why? I really, really like both. Each are just very pretty in their own right. Depending on where you live, why might a day of school get canceled? Hurricanes or like the mere chance of a centimeter of snow. At least once, we've even had such a severe heat advisory that school was called off. If you could meet any fictional character from a book, who would it be? Can dragons be real? 'Cuz then I wanna meet Clay from Wings of Fire if we could talk, lol. He's so wise and I'm sure would have great knowledge to share about looking at my life from new perspectives. What are some common places that people tour when they come to your city? Um, people do NOT tour this city. It's trash. What's one food that you did not enjoy as a child, but do as an adult? I'm not sure. How would having no electricity affect your daily routine? Everything would change, given I'm always on the computer. Would you rather have a mermaid tail, a fairy's wings or a unicorn's horn? Fairy wings, for sure. What is an animal that you'd like to have as a pet but it's not allowed? I wish SO badly that opossums were domesticated animals, alsdkjfkaljwe. I say enough that I do want to rescue/foster one, though, but I would obviously need a license for that. I would absolutely never just snag one from the wild. What are some things that you do to make the world a better place? We recycle here, don't dare to litter, and I always try to be a decent person that spreads love and hope to other people. Has the last person you had sex with ever had sex with someone besides you? Yes. What’s your favorite store at your mall? rue21, I suppose. We have a small mall. Have you ever done a workout DVD? Oh my actual god, this is a THROWBACK. When we were really little, my sister had a BARBIE workout DVD that we watched sometimes. Who usually takes out the trash in your family? Usually Mom, but sometimes me. What song are you currently obsessed with? Absolutely "Bath Salts" by Highly Suspect, ahhhhh- When you go fishing, do you make someone else get the fish off the hook? When I used to go fishing, my dad would always unhook the fish. Do you take any prescription meds? A lot. What happens if you don’t take them? I very rarely forget to take my medicine, but when I do, I experience anxiety and my tremors get worse. Who was the last person you dreamt about? I don't remember. Do you prefer your tea sweetened or unsweetened? I hate tea in any way. How often do you honk your horn? I don't really drive, so. I'd be very hesitant to though because I wouldn't wanna piss someone off. Do you have any children? If so, names and ages? That's a hard pass from me, bro. Have your parents ever witnessed you doing something inappropriate? What? No. Did you get babysat a lot as a kid? I don't remember how frequently, but we did have a babysitter. Both my parents had jobs. If you were the principal of a school, what would you do differently? Actually pay fucking attention to bullying and do shit about it. Are you doing anything fun tomorrow? "Fun?" Don't know her. What is something you'd like to receive as a housewarming gift? I dunno. How old were you when you first experienced the effects of puberty? I don't remember. What is your least favorite holiday, and why? St. Patrick's Day because I worry about getting pinched, lol. Pinching even very lightly is surprisingly painful for me. What were some outdoor games you played as a child? Hide-and-seek was my favorite, then my sisters and I made games for on the trampoline and in the pool, etc. Did you accompany your parents on "Take Your Child to Work" Day? I never remember doing that, no. Are cemeteries peaceful to you, or do they freak you out? They're humbling, more than anything. A reminder of how equal we are and that we all end up the same. It's a nudge to cherish life while you have it. Which ancient civilization would you be interested in learning more about? My favorite is Ancient Egyptian. Do you have better long-term memory or short-term memory? Long-term. My short-term memory is absolutely frighteningly horrid. What was the last situation that made you cry? Describe. I was very frustrated with just life in general and how horribly I'm failing at it. Which forest animal would you be most afraid to encounter? A bear, probably. Do you believe in anything supernatural? (ie: spirits, etc) Yeah, like said spirits. Has anyone close to you ever gone to war? No. Have you ever experienced altitude sickness? No. Is there anything, any event, you wish you could remember more clearly? I don't know right now. Have you ever rubbed anyone’s feet? EW you couldn't pay me to. If you had to get advice from someone of the opposite sex, who would you go to? My boyfriend. What was the last new food/drink that you tried? I recently tried jalapeno-stuffed grilled chicken, and a couple days ago I tried this orange/strawberry V8 my mom bought. It was noooot good, which I figured it wouldn't be. That's not a good mix. Have you had a good day today or was yesterday better? Today was fucking awful, and yesterday wasn't exactly peachy either. Have you ever played Sudoku? Yeah, I enjoy it well enough. Do you ever take surveys for money? No; I once signed up for a site like that though because my mom used to do that, but I literally qualified for no surveys with how inexperienced I was and still am with grown-up stuff. Do you like Barbie or Bratz better? I don't have an opinion, and I didn't really as a kid, either. Do you prefer purple or green grapes? I go back and forth, but either way, it has to be a crisp grape or it's just gross. Who was the last person that made you laugh? I was watching a John Wolfe video. Where does your best friend live? Illinois. Who did you last confide in? Girt. Does your car have an alarm? Mom's doesn't. Where was your mom born? New York. What can always make you feel better no matter what? If I'm being completely realistic, nothing. Not every single tactic is fail-proof, especially these days. What is something you’ll never eat again? Why? Crab legs came to mind first. They are SO mushy and just gross. What is currently happening that is scaring you? My life, bro. Have you ever found a stranger’s note somewhere? If so, what did it say? I mean maybe at some point accidentally? I don't remember a specific occurrence.

[cavehags]

most/least likely lost characters to have taken a gender studies course

oh so sorry i left this sitting so long ❤ this is a good one

juliet clearly has taken several, and can quote seminal feminist essays or argue a stance on an old debate if pressed. while she doesn’t have any buddies to talk about feminism with on the island (except for the pregnant patients she killed. oops!), she probably doesn’t have to do much force-feeding to get sawyer to read something fairly digestible like the feminine mystique or something; in fact she probably did force it down his throat when they were living in the 70s and he needed to brush up on the era-appropriate texts of the day. but she had to help him sound out all the hard words like "patriarchy” so it just wasn’t the same :(

ben took one. his final paper was frankly sociopathic. the less said about it, the better

rose and bernard absolutely know their herstory and have little debates amongst themselves about who was right etc. these debates often end with bernard respectfully conceding, as is required by feminism

i waffled on this, but sayid probably at least took a class on feminist policy. he’s not a huge fan of theory (what a snooze) but he was very interested in discussions of how to practically build a better world for women

eko absoutely would have, had he gone to college. missed opportunity for juliet and rose to teach a class :(

during desmond’s campaign to win charles widmore over, i feel like he got as far as enrolling in night school, and he was going to take a gender studies class as his social studies distro requirement but the course packet was kinda expensive so he decided to take a boat ride instead

hurley didn’t go to college but you know, once he’s jacob and he can presumably use the internet from the communications station, what’s stopping him from taking online classes? honestly ben probably urges him to. value of education and all

daniel simply must have taken a gender studies class at oxford because it is the only way he met his beard hag girlfriend

sun definitely didn’t have time, as she was living the busy life of a weirdo art history major who loaded up on econ electives so she could threaten her dad someday

jin, sawyer, claire, charlie and kate all didn’t go to college and would never have picked gender studies from the catalog anyway. of the five of them, sawyer is the only one who reads books so he’s marginally ahead of the others in terms of #educatinghimself 

jack certainly has not, and he slept through the parts of med school where they tell you not to belittle and lie to your female patients to boot

locke says “females” as a noun so what do you think.

[esperantoauthor]

Pandemic Mental Health Check-In

Thanks for starting this check-in, @snarkyhag. Thanks to @20xbetterthanu, @gleefulpoppet, and @gorgxoxus for tagging me 💕 

I actually started filling this out right when you all were tagging me but, uh, it was honestly getting me down so I put it aside. So, I know I post ranty things on here sometimes but I mostly try to keep this a happy and upbeat place, because that is how I like it! But this got kind of real when I was filling it out so I’m going to stick it under a cut in case you just want to keep the happy tumblr vibes going and scroll on past.

How is everyone holding up?  

On the one hand, I feel like I have adapted to the situation and found my “new normal.” On the other hand, I have become a complete hermit, my job is way less enjoyable, I have now postponed my wedding twice, and none of this has been good for my mental health. I’m trying to live one day at a time and when I focus on that, I do alright...when I take a step back and think about things big picture it can all start to seem pretty grim. 

At the beginning of the pandemic, I was much more concerned about protecting those around me than getting sick myself. After seeing a friend my age be sick for months (she has been sick since April and still has not recovered) and finally get classified with “long-haul covid” and reading the multitude of articles about young healthy people ending up with long-term health complications after recovering from covid including mild cognitive impairment (it sounds cuter when they just say “foggy brain” but that is what that means i take it very seriously) I am now genuinely afraid for myself as well as others.

Then we have the political situations in the U.S. right now which has just been one devastating news story after another.

What are you doing to keep healthy?

Other than following the pandemic precautions, honestly not much. My job switched from being one where I was on my feet all day to a desk job and the only structured exercise I had (Pilates at the gym twice a week with a friend) isn’t available. I lack the willpower/motivation/know-how to get an at-home exercise routine going. Living in an apartment without much open floorspace definitely doesn’t help; I don’t even really have room to exercise freely on a yoga mat let alone set-up a stationary bike or something. We live in the a big city so going for walks is unappealing because there are people everywhere which means being vigilant and general covid anxiety. I guess we eat healthy-ish...it's not amazing but we do okay. I’m more focused on my mental health than my physical health right now, I guess. I’m taking my meds, having virtual visits with my therapist, and using my strategies.

Are you working, not working, working from home?

I am working from home, thanks to my request for work accommodations being approved (thank you ADA!). Our school closed (originally for one week) in late March and then never reopened so I have been working from home since then with very little time off. I worked part-time in the summer mostly because I knew that with quarantine in place it would be bad for my mental health to have no built-in structure and just sit at home all day. I didn’t realize that applying for disability accommodations to work from home was something I would qualify for (I got the impression it was only if you had a medical condition that made you more susceptible to covid-19 not for mental health conditions that are exacerbated by covid-19). Thankfully, it turned out that it WAS an option and I got it approved before students started school. Figuring out how to do “parallel” instruction (teaching to in-person and remote students at the same time) has been a big learning curve and I haven’t had to do a formal evaluation over zoom yet, but I’m figuring things out. If I hadn’t been approved to work from home I honestly think I would have quit. 

Anyone caring for kids or elders?

Thankfully, no. It’s just me, my fiance (who is healthy), and my tortoise. Sometimes I help out my brother by keeping my nephew occupied on facetime so he can have a work meeting or something.

What was you best/worst day?

My worst day was the day after George Floyd’s murder. I was obviously very upset and sad about what happened, but it also became the trigger point for me finally processing all of my grief about the multitude of death cause by the pandemic as a whole. Work was basically me zooming with kids and then sobbing during my prep time. I cried pretty much the whole day. I think because I was so focused on figuring out how to do remote teaching and just the day-to-day challenges, I hadn’t really had a moment to just fully mourn how many people had been and were dying. And then this amongst all of that, when people were fighting for their lives on ventilators, we had this completely senseless and avoidable death and it kind of pushed me over the edge. 

What inspires you?

People inspire me. People with their big hearts and their big ideas. People saving lives in our hospitals and desperately searching for treatments in their labs. People taking to the streets and fighting for their rights. Anyone who is fighting for a better tomorrow inspires me.

Are you taking up hobbies?

I started a needlepoint of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I should really finish that. Does making tumblr memes and oven charts count as a hobby?

What kind of content helps keep the joy on your dash?

Cute Klaine/Glee shit! Hilarious shitposting! People liveblogging my fic on tumblr ( 👀 @20xbetterthanu)! Watching @spookyklaine‘s reactions to my oven charts. @kurthummeldeservesbetter‘s lovely blog awards because they were just so positive!

Has life gone back to “normal” where you are

NOPE! Thankfully the Illinois governor takes the pandemic seriously so while things have started to open up a bit, it is definitely not normal. We are the level where some people are eating outdoors at restaurants. Me and my fiance are personally still in full quarantine mode where we do not leave the apartment except for essential items like groceries. We have done a handful of socially distanced hangouts where we sit six feet from our friends in their backyard and drink the stuff we brought with us. Also just today, I saw on the news that Chicago is getting additional covid-19 mitigations because the numbers are spiking again.

What are you doing for fun?

Well I made a tumblr, so that happened! Writing and reading fic, doing gleewatch, playing stardew valley, watching TV with my fiance. 

My big “fun” thing is that I started a weekly trivia game played over zoom with IRL friends that has been running since April or May. We started out with trivia videos a comedian I like made and now we make our own questions. I didn’t even really like trivia before this but it has become a very fun thing and my main social interaction that isn’t work or on the internet. We laugh a lot and it is a good time!

[astoryofej]

Hello 👋🏻

if you’re new here (or even if you’re not),

Hi 🙋🏼‍♀️ I’m EJ

I’m a second year grad student in physiology with hopeful plans of going to med school. I’ll be applying next cycle, meaning summer 2021 with hopes of matriculating in 2022. If that cycle doesn’t work out, I’ll just keep applying.

In the med school world, I’m what’s referred to as a non-traditional applicant because I’ve been out of undergrad for several years and have worked, gone back to school, rather than applying my senior year to start immediately after. And also, because I had a shit undergrad GPA and just need literally everything else to show that I’m serious about medicine. 🙃

I want to be a pediatrician, and am also interested in community and public health, cardiology (which is a fairly new interest), oncology (the OG love), space physiology (I have another pipe dream of being an astronaut), and a whole host of other things because I’ll likely be in academia for my entire life 😅

Some random/personal facts:

I have a partner, and we’re coming up on 7 years together. We’re currently long distance, and have been for a while. He and I are both very family oriented, and also relentlessly independent so we work well together as a LDR, but we’re hoping that that can change soon.

I’m from North Carolina, born and raised, still live here, and hope to stay here for the time being. I have all of my grandparents still (well, except granddaddy but he’s been gone for 15 years), and I hope to stay around for as long as they’re around, if I’m able to.

But I’m so so so open to going literally anywhere else as well. My top med schools are in-state but I’d loveeeeeee Ireland as an option, too.

I love sports, all of them. I’m from NC, so college basketball is a big deal for me (and if you know anything about college basketball in North Carolina, no, I don’t like either of those two blue schools).

I’m very passionate about my alma mater, and it’s where I’m also at for grad school. So if you’re looking at NC for school/science/what have you, feel free to ask about my school!

The top of my (mobile/app) profile says welcome to my trash can, which is true, because this is where I’m the most me and I’ll post/reblog whatever it is I want to. This blog has no aesthetic because I’ve been around for a long (longgggg) time, and I don’t think it’s necessary to put myself into an aesthetic box 🤷🏼‍♀️

I love Christmas. Absolutely love it. I start decoration November 1. This year, my tree went up on Election Day because I needed an outlet for my anxiety and stress.

I’m also a runner, and a writer, though most of my writing never sees the light of day (meaning I hardly ever post it up here). Maybe one day.

I inhale fanfiction. And I love fandom, but I don’t have time for the fandom drama nonsense. Because like I said, I’ve been around for a long time, fandom wars wear me out.

Please, please, please feel free to send me asks, messages, tag me in anything. Internet friends are my best friends.

Happy holidays, friends 🤗

[flameontheotherside]

The Beginnings Part 2

I grew up religious. As a child I loved God and reading the Bible. I remember playing church with my dolls and stuffed animals. I would preach and lead every to a song and everything with my twin brother. I loved it! Over the years my faith changed and I leaned more atheist then agnostic when my intuitive abilities started to get more frequent. I needed answers for what was happening to me. So in high school I started becoming interested in past lives and soul mates.

When I was 11 I started to miss a home I never been to and someone who I had never seen. All I knew about the guy was that he wasn't in florida. So at an appropriate age I was allowed to have long distance boyfriends. When I was introduced with the internet, I became interested in online communities, made several of my own; learned to code and run fully operational websites. In my previous career I did marketing and used those tools for my non-profit organizations.

A psychic predicted his death.

I spoke with one on a podcast just a few months before his death. He said, "I'm so sorrynfor your loss. Just know there's nothing you could have done." I didn't know what he was talking about but I found myself in my closet crying my eyes out. This was about a year after the letter to who I was hoping would find me, coincidentally written on Erik's birthday. So I collapsed and felt completely lost but I still had hope.

7 or 8 years later a psychic told me that I should talk to Erik. For years after his death I felt him around me. Always positive, protective, nice...so I never bothered to worry about it. But to talk with him? Why? How? I thought doing that was bad. I didn't want to attract demons.

So I prepared after doing research.

I saw a lot of stories about spirit boards and how dangerous they can be. I took no chances. I lit sage, cleaned my crystals and prepared for the right attitude. Even turned off the fan just in case. So that my pendulum would work. Even made sure to write scripture on my boards. I've had a pendulum for years, just never seriously used it. Someone, an acquaintance gave me one months before Erik died. She was also a witch and psychic.

With everything in its place and prepared, I respectfully and carefully started the process. I was terrified and with a notebook I documented everything he said. He didn't want to scare me but I was already scared so when he responded, I realized pendulums do work. It was slow and frequently I'd stop to write. Unfortunately all of my notebooks and journals were tossed when my ex flew off to his parents. While I was in the hospital.

Erik started as a spirit guide and a friend. He would ask me questions about things happening in my life at the time and offer advice. Over time, my pendulum started to move faster. It took a couple of years to get to telepathy and generally it was worth it.

He didn't tell me he was my twin flame for about a month.

And I didn't write in this blog until another month after. I needed to be sure about what I was doing. Thought that telling a few people was okay but I realize that was probably the dumbest thing I could have done so early in the situation. I was actually hoping to get some help. Only felt gasslighted.

When he told me he said "I'm your Twin Flame! You know this!"

I felt confused. I thought it was stupid years ago. But I remembered the feelings I would get at night when I was falling asleep that this invisible force was me in a deep way. I scraped that away as some kind of fantasy and never thought about it until what Erik said. For that short period of time back when I started feeling him I was falling in love with him. I even bought my first guitar. Reality punched me in the face when my bf at the time was having a drinking problem. A lot happened in 2012.

So when Erik said that we were twin flames I looked at what twin flames were again without judgement or snarky comments on the blogs and information I earlier deemed to be bullshit. I remembered my oracle cards would tell me about a twin flame relationship. It never made sense to me at the time. Then of course years back told me I would become a channeler and tarot card reader. Didn't believe it then either. Now I realize that even back then, my personal readings were pretty accurate.

I had to rewire my beliefs and be open the possibility that this was my path.

I always knew it would eventually find me but not this way. Much like I knew from the birthday letter Erik would find me but not this way. When I was younger (6 or 7) I predicted that I would need thick glasses and medications. I didn't know I would be bipolar but knew the meds wasnt for physical stuff.

Because I'm bipolar and take medications I had to really think about all possibilities. I could be on a crazy manic trip. I was worried that I was doing something stupid or something evil in some way. Some times I came close to assuming I must be crazy. But every time I do, I'm reminded in some way that this is real no matter how I tried to apply logic. Without my meds, I cant concentrate. Without concentration, my intuitive abilities are gone.

I've been on many medications.

Over the years about 20 different kinds and I notice I was feeling Erik when I was medicated. I stopped feeling Erik in 2012. I started meds and therapy fall of 2016. I wasn't medicated for four years because my bf's family at the time wasn't supportive about it. From fall 2016 to spring 2017 the dreams were happening more frequently. I started talking to Erik spring 2017.

I wasn't medicated for a while at the start of this year because of insurance and from then to when I started again, I was able to hear Erik and use my pendulum but it was very very hard. I was kind of happy to be "normal" but to not be able to talk to him when I needed to was just nearly impossible. It started to scare me. I realized that not just for my sanity but also sprititually, I really do need my medications. My hopes of being medication free we dashed as my work performance also began to suffer and the fog in my head got thicker. I didn't feel myself and it was noticeable.

🥰😘 Good night!