#this was hilarious because this version of edward is. so awful

[watchingspnagain]

Rewatching A Very Supernatural Christmas

Welcome to “I Saw Sammy Ganking Pagan Gods: A Supernatural Rewatch Blog” with Lor and Mace!

 Up today, s3e8: A Very Supernatural Christmas

 Once upon a balmy Michigan December, something in a red suit is coming down chimneys and hauling people away. Sam and Dean are on bad Santa’s case, and while they’re at it, Dean is angling for a proper Christmas celebration while Sam is dragging his feet hard at the idea. They visit a sketchy Christmas wonderland, go caroling (they don’t know the words, bless them), and have a beautiful brother moment where they discuss why they each feel as they do about the coming holiday. (Spoiler alert: it’s because it’s gonna be Dean’s last Christmas.) Turns out pseudo-Krampus is a pair of pagan gods masquerading as a middle-aged couple named Edward and Madge, and after a hilarious (and disgusting) torture scene, the boys dispatch them with their own festive decorations. Throughout the episode are interspersed flashbacks to the Christmas when Sam learned the truth about why John is never around, Dean tried to create Christmas for his brother through theft, and Sam gave Dean the amulet that he now never takes off. The final scene of the episode sees present-day Sam giving Dean the best Christmas he can, complete with tree, presents, eggnog, and a football game on the TV while outside snow finally drifts down on Baby.

 Below is a log of our real-time reactions as we watched. Remember that there may be spoilers for any part of SPN’s 15-season run here. Note also that the nature of our conversation is adult and thus it may contain adult language and themes.

 [and we begin:]

 Lor:

 Christmas with the boys! bounces

Mace:

 YAAAAS!

 it looks like there’s a bowl of potatoes on the table

  Lor:

 HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  Mace:

 festive

  Lor:

 I was wondering what those were! Oranges?

  Mace:

 apples, I think?

  Lor:

 THE TITLE CARD

  Mace:

 YAS

 “up on the rooftop demon seeeeed"

 oooh, fix that collar, Sam

  Lor:

 mrrrrrg Dean in his suit and with his riiiiing

  Mace:

 YAS

  Lor:

 LOLOLOLOLOLOL

 LORD those suits are nicely tailored in the shoulders

  Mace:

 POPPED COLLAR

  Lor:

 YES

  Mace:

 YES

  Lor:

 DEAN you know you've watched Mary Poppins, stop it

  Mace:

 YEP

  Lor:

 "yeah, that's crazy." "yeah."

  Mace:

 HAHAHA

  Mace:

 SAM SAID LORE EVERYONE DRINK

  Lor:

 YAAAAS

  Mace:

 HE SAID IT AGAIN DRIIIINK

  Lor:

 "santa doesn't have a brother."

  Mace:

 snork

  Lor:

 chugs water

 "who's childhood are you talking about?"

oooooof

boys

  Mace:

 “not exactly hallmark memories” dude, those were the best memories Dean has

  Lor:

 YEP

 "a pony" SASSY BABY SAM

  Mace:

 YAS

learnt it from his brother!dad

  Lor:

 YES

 "because everywhere we go, they get sick of your face" haaaaahahahaha

  Mace:

 SNORK Jesus, Dean

  Lor:

 so perfectly twelve

  Mace:

 YES

  Lor:

 DRINK AGAIN

  Mace:

 LORE! DRINK!

HAHAHAHA

  Lor:

 LOLOLOLOLOL

  Mace:

 “we only came here to watch” HAHAHA

  Lor:

 Dean's little head shake

  Mace:

 “ew"

 HAHAHAHAHA

 Dean’s laugh!

  Lor:

 "thanks a lot, Dean. thanks for that"

 YES

  Lor:

 "that was Ripple"

  Mace:

 I love the parallels between adult boys and boy boys

  Lor:

 YES

 Sam drank all the coffee and then later in the flashback Dean gives Sammy the end of the cereal! I never picked up on that one before [Ed: that’s a different episode, of course. But still!]

  Mace:

 OMG YAS

 omg the bong

  Lor:

 "mr gung-ho christmas might have to blow away santa"

 YES

  Mace:

 YES

  Lor:

 THE SINGING

  Mace:

 “jingle my bells"

  Lor:

 LOLOLOLOLOLOL

  Mace:

 AND THEY DON’T KNOW THE WORDS

  Lor:

 THEY DON'T KNOW THE WORDS

  Mace:

 hilarious and tragic

  Lor:

 YEP

and then this immediate switch to the beautiful version of the song and the big Christmas living room set up

  Mace:

 and all these versions of the perfect christmas (both the houses where people get attacked and the pagan gods’ house) look beautiful but are awful, but then at the end Sam & Dean get an on-the-surface shitty christmas that is way more wholesome

 YES

  Lor:

 YESYESYES

 Dean's FACE when Sam asks about the wreath

  Mace:

 Dean’s confused face at the wreath question

YAS

  Lor:

 and he wants to try to back Sam up but he's got NOTHING

  Mace:

 YES

 my god those SUITS

  Lor:

 "I know. I was just testing you" pets him

 YES

 "that we're morons"

  Mace:

 oh Dean, your pants are on fire

 LORE! DRIIINK!!

  Lor:

 lolololololol

  Mace:

 SING IT, SAMMY

  Lor:

 "what will you tell me next? Easter bunny's Jewish?" hush, Dean, you love that Sam knows all these things

  Mace:

 YES

  Lor:

 "we were playing Jenga over at the Walshes the other night"

  Mace:

 “it was yummy”

 HAHAHAHA

  Lor:

 Dean playing on the thing where people are assuming they're gay, I cannot

  Mace:

 YEP

  Lor:

 "I sell a lot of wreaths, guys"

  Mace:

 SNORK

  Lor:

 "people pay a buttload for this crap"

  Mace:

 HAHAHA

  Lor:

 oh Dean

  Mace:

 yeah, and I love you Sam, but THINK. This is his last Christmas

  Lor:

 RIGHT?

bc Sam refuses to accept that, I think

  Mace:

 yeah

oh Sammy.

  Lor:

 the way Sam's voice breaks on "dead"

  Mace:

 BOYS. FRAUGHT

  Lor:

 YES

  Mace:

 YES

  Lor:

 the way they just sit there

  Mace:

 YEP

  Lor:

 is John's journal thinner than it is later? that's an awesome detail

  Mace:

 “are monsters real?” and the parallel to losing your Santa innocence

 it IS

  Lor:

 YES

  "we have the coolest dad in the world" oh, Dean

  Mace:

 yeeeeah

  Lor:

 oh baby Winchesters. it is exactly like that

  Mace:

 YEP

 Jesus, how did they grow up as functioning adults at all?!

  Lor:

 RIGHT?

it's because Dean is an astounding human

and Bobby

  Mace:

 YEP

 “oh fudge!”

  Lor:

 YES

 awww, Dean wants some peanut brittle

  Mace:

 aw, let him have some peanut brittle

  Lor:

 RIGHT?

 Sammy's always harshing Dean's desire to take sweets from strangers

  Mace:

 he IS

 stupid salads

  Lor:

 HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

 "see? plastic!"

I luff him

  Mace:

 snork!

 ewewewewew

  Lor:

 (don't lots of people have good locks on their interior basement doors? because there's likely a shitty door to the outside down there that doesn't lock good? or at all?)

  Mace:

 (hm. possibly?)

  Lor:

 see, if you comment on irrelevant things at length, you can not look at the ew

  Mace:

 HAHAHAHA

  Lor:

 stop hurting their heads! that's where all the knowledge and humor lives!

 "I guess we're dealing with mr and mrs god. nice to know"

  Mace:

 YES

  Lor:

 "don't get all wet"

I love these two

  Mace:

 YAS

  Lor:

"i guess we'll just have to cancel the sacrifice"

  Mace:

 HAHAHA

  Lor:

 they DO look darling. but hands off, Madge

  Mace:

 YAS

  Lor:

 "times have changed!"

 "this Jesus character"

  Mace:

“this Jesus character”

 YAS

  Lor:

 YES

  Mace:

 omg the WINK

  Lor:

 YES

 "oh my goodness me! someone owes a nickel to the swear jar"

  Mace:

 “I’LL FUDGING KILL YOU”

I LOVE HIM

  Lor:

 "if you fudging touch me again, I'll fudging kill ya!" "very good"

 YES

 NOPE

  Mace:

 NOPENOPENOPENOPE

  Lor:

 the fingernail NOPENOPENOPE

  Mace:

 CORRECT

oh god, I’m still cringing

  Lor:

 YEP

and it gets worse

TEETH

 "sweet Peter on a popsicle stick"

  Merry Christmas, Sam

  Mace:

 HAHAHA

 this is too soon. i’m having a tooth pulled in a couple of weeks

  Lor:

 "somebody gonna get that?" HIS COMEDIC TIMING JENSEN

 ooooooof

  Mace:

 YAS

  Lor:

 tsk tsk tsk, you left Winchesters unattended

  Mace:

 yep. big mistake

  Lor:

 YEP

 using all that "perfect" house stuff as weapons. the big hutch, the perfect tree

  Mace:

 they’re gonna be so sappy-sticky when they get home...

 YES

  Lor:

 YEP

they should pick up some baking soda on the way home

  Mace:

 yep

  Lor:

 Dean's like full body eye roll at Sam's "merry christmas"

  Mace:

 HAHAHA YES

 oh god, Dean.

 you’ve got too much on those little shoulders

  Lor:

 Dean as Santa Claus/Dean as father

 YOU DO

  Mace:

 YAS

  Lor:

 oh Dean. disappointed that the presents don't actually work for Sam

  Mace:

 YEP

 also, FUCK YOU, JOHN

  Lor:

 RIGHT?

 "no. no, that's for Dad" over the present

  Mace:

 YES

  Lor:

 Dean's not allowed to have things

  Mace:

 and Sam choosing Dean over John

  Lor:

 YES

  Mace:

 this right here is the pivotal moment for Sam

  Lor:

 and Dean still wearing it all these years later

 YES

  Mace:

 YAASSS

 omg their FACES

  Lor:

 SAM'S DECORATING

  Mace:

 Sam hopeful, Dean’s astonishment

  Lor:

 YES

the eggnog is too strong for him I can't

  Mace:

 YES

 Dean’s delight that he got presents

  Lor:

 YES

and Dean CARES if Sam is happy with those last-second presents

  Mace:

 and so does SAM I CANNOT

  Lor:

 YEP

  Mace:

 you can’t tell me that they don’t keep those silly presents FOREVER

  Lor:

 YEP

  Mace:

 oh god, they’re both about to cry

BOYS

  Lor:

 (I also love that Sam's presents to Dean are better than Dean's presents to Sam both in the present and the past)

 YES

  Mace:

 YES

  Lor:

 that face Dean makes with the drink

 THIS SHOOOOOOOT

  Mace:

 YES

  Lor:

 through the window. snow. lights. BABY IS WITH THEM

  Mace:

 YES

   Lor:

 such a good episode

[forevercloudnine]

new 52 riddlebat ship meme

(@heroes-etc picked me out a lot of questions and we’re still going. This set is from this ship meme.)

1. Who makes the first move and how?

Ostensibly it would be Edward, if putting together a subtext-laden citywide scavenger hunt that threatens the lives of hundreds counts as “making the first move.” But there’s a limit to how much deliberately obfuscating any expression of your feelings can be considered making any move at all. He also doesn’t seem to really know what he wants from Bruce — in “Alone,” he’s quick to say that he designed the puzzles to lead Batman to him on purpose, but doesn’t have an answer when questioned on what he wanted Batman to do other than catch him.

So even though Edward is technically the instigator here, he places the burden of actually doing something entirely on Batman. Which is difficult, because Riddler’s increased brutality in the New 52 makes him like the last possible version of the character Bruce would choose to pursue. BUT Scott Snyder made Batjokes practically text in this continuity, so obviously New 52 Bruce does not have a problem getting overly emotionally involved with supervillains who have unrealistically large body counts. In fact, the brutality may work to Edward’s advantage here; if he caused enough damage, maybe Bruce would kidnap him and keep him in the Batcave the way it was revealed he was keeping the Joker in Dark Days: The Casting #1. 

What could be more romantic than being imprisoned in the batcave? Well, probably a lot of things, really. But in this case, having a lot of quality time together in which Riddler is not actively murdering anyone is probably the only way that these two could work out what they have going on between them. 

Edward could also earn his way down there by figuring out Batman’s identity, which he’s clearly pretty close to in Batman Annual #4. There’s only so much mental distance between “Bruce Wayne is obsessed with the death of his parents and his drive for justice and revenge has led him to bring Batman into existence, making him responsible for everything Batman has ever done” and “Bruce Wayne IS Batman,” especially when Bruce Wayne does things like climb museum exhibits to leave through the skylight or pull off a trickshot that ruins Riddler’s whole evil plan directly in front of Edward’s face.

And if he DID figure it out, New 52 Riddler would probably be less courteous about its secrecy than Joker is. (Not that Joker is THAT polite about it, given that he keeps trying to use the information to either kill Bruce’s whole family, or... I don’t know... whatever he did with Wayne Enterprises in Joker War. Wait, is THAT why Bruce was keeping Joker in the Batcave in Rebirth?) 

So just to review, I am *checks notes* arguing that Bruce would instigate a romantic relationship by kidnapping Edward and imprisoning him against his will. Yes, that sounds about right for DC’s current continuity.

6. Who would they ask if they ever had a threesome?

If Riddler DOESN’T know Batman’s secret identity, then he would want to have a threesome with Bruce Wayne. Batman Annual #4 suggests that he might have already been a bit obsessed with Bruce even before suspecting his involvement with Batman, given that he talks about how watching Bruce in the tabloids growing up was everyone’s “favorite tv show” and reminisces about learning a lot of information about Bruce’s life that way, including stuff that wouldn’t have made it to the news, like Bruce anonymously setting his teacher’s yard on fire as a teenager.

It’s actually almost a Batman Forever vibe, or it would be if New 52 Edward wasn’t so much less endearing. Is his childhood fascination with Bruce part of why he got a job working for Bruce’s uncle at Wayne Enterprises as an adult, or was that just a happy accident in his preparations for Zero Year? Either way, he’s clearly obsessed with Bruce now, and he’s definitely under the impression that Batman knows him well. So as long as he didn’t know they were the same person, he would probably try to arrange a ménage à trois (wouldn’t that be awkward).

If he DID know they were the same person, then unfortunately Edward would definitely try and instigate a threesome with Joker. I’m not saying it would work, I’m just saying that all of the War of Jokes and Riddles reads like Edward trying to insert himself in the middle of Batjokes and getting rejected by both of them repeatedly.

Joker wasn’t interested the first time Riddler came on to him (or the second time, literally in the same office, Edward please learn how to read a room), so he probably wouldn’t go for it if Edward tried again. But if The War and Jokes and Riddles demonstrated anything, it’s that Edward doesn’t know how to take a hint, so he’d probably try again regardless. And then blame Bruce when it doesn’t work, probably. I always thought it was dumb when Riddler hyped up the oh-so-horrible thing that Batman did to him in the War of Jokes and Riddles in Batman #19, only for it to turn out that Bruce just, like... almost stabbed him.... but didn’t. After Riddler had ALREADY betrayed him.

But it makes more sense that Edward is being such a dramatic bitch if you’re instead interpreting “I still remember what he did” as just a summary of the conga line of rejection that Riddler received over the course of that arc from both sides of Batjokes.

(TWOJAR as helpfully summarized by @heroes-etc​)

11. What do they hide from one another?

I don’t think they can really hide anything from each other, actually. I mean there’s the obvious “Batman is hiding his secret identity” and “Riddler is hiding evil scheme of the week #39.” But Bruce is the “World’s Greatest Detective” as per usual, and Edward is actually not that far behind him in this continuity (even if his delusions can cause him to project and misinterpret his findings, i.e. assuming that Bruce purposefully went bankrupt so that Riddler and the other Arkhamites would have to live in Wayne Manor and be reminded of him every second of every day). Batman Annual #4 has a great example of this where Edward reveals that he knows about how Bruce tried to treat his paranoid vigilante compulsions with shock therapy when he was a teenager. No one but Alfred and the doctors know about that — and I’m just assuming that Alfred knew, it’s not something that was stated in Zero Year.

Bruce obviously solves pretty much every riddle that Edward puts in front of him, but he picks up on the stuff that Riddler is purposefully trying to obscure too. Whether he was researching Edward ahead of time (likely) or just so good at snap psychoanalysis he should have a job at Arkham (possible, Zero Year was written by Scott Snyder), his summary of Edward’s life during their first interaction as Batman and Riddler in Batman #31 is clearly too accurate for Edward’s comfort, as it ruins what had previously been excitement on Riddler’s part that Batman was still alive. 

So good luck to both of them at hiding absolutely anything from each other. The best they can hope for is if WHEN the other person finds what they’ve been hiding, they misinterpret either the information or the reason why it was hidden from them in the first place. Both of them are always willing to jump to the worst case scenario (which, given who they’re dealing with, fair enough), so I’m sure the resulting miscommunication would be both extremely entertaining and highly likely to lead to city-wide destruction.

27. Why do their friends get annoyed with them?

Does New 52 Riddler even have friends? He and Scarecrow claim to have respect for each other in Detective Comics ft. Scarecrow #23.3, but it’s in the context of Scarecrow lying and manipulating all the rogues in the lead up to Forever Evil, and it comes about three panels after Riddler passive aggressively mocks Jonathan’s childhood trauma at the hands of his “daddy.” (Rude, Edward. Rude and gross.)

If they are friends, then the reasons why Riddler dating Scarecrow’s arch nemesis would annoy Jonathan are pretty self-explanatory. Also Edward is clearly the kind of person who would taunt the rest of the Arkhamites with any privileges earned/information gleaned from getting closer to the Bat. When I was younger my mother would always warn me not to waste emotional energy on girls who ditch their friends to prioritize their relationship as soon as they get a new boyfriend. Well, Riddler is that girl.

Bruce’s friends and family obviously also have nearly infinite reasons to be annoyed with Bruce for dating a supervillain (shoutout to Duke Thomas, who was unfortunate enough to have Riddler’s Zero Year during the most formative time of his childhood), but Barbara Gordon would doubtlessly be more pissed than most. Riddler deciding that he’s in love with Batgirl out of the blue (despite them never having met before?) when he finds out that Batman’s marrying Catwoman was already irritating, but I can only imagine how much MORE annoying it would be in the context of Riddler later hooking up with Batman.

If Barbara ever found out about them hooking up, she would immediately have war flashbacks to Batman: Prelude to the Wedding pt. 3. She has a great memory so unfortunately she probably has perfect recall of having to spend an entire evening listening to a pre-recorded monologue of Riddler philosophizing about why he’s not bitter that Batman and Catwoman are getting married and how he’s still straight even though he’s never felt lasting attraction to a woman. And then she would rightfully go apeshit.

29. Why do they fall a little bit more in love?

Thinking of how this question could possibly be answered from Bruce’s perspective made me laugh out loud, which is probably not a good sign given that I’m 4/5 of the way through writing a ship meme for him and Edward. But Riddler is just. So much in the New 52. Okay, I’m taking it seriously now. WHY DOES HE FALL MORE IN LOVE. Well, the fastest way to Bruce’s heart (other than being an attractive woman with dark hair, green eyes, and ambiguous morals) is to assist him in his crusade against crime. While that doesn’t initially seem like something Edward would do (as we see in Batgirl vs. Riddler, he seems to think the key to romance is “mixtapes”), he does go out of his way to give Bruce information about a Gotham-wide criminal conspiracy in Batman Eternal #39. He doesn’t appreciate that Batman’s current opponent is actively trying to wear him down — he wants to fight the Bat at his best, when he can think clearly. So he gives Bruce information he needs to solve the mystery.

Edward seems to also be under the impression that this would endear him to Batman, because he gives Batman a series of riddles that lead Bruce right to him so that they can talk in person. And then gets very surprised when Bruce subsequently arrests him. You’re still a criminal, Edward. This is like the first favor you’ve ever done him. Do it a dozen more times and then MAYBE you’ll start getting the free passes he’s been handing out to Harley and Ivy. But Bruce DOES save him from an avalanche after this, even though in the past Bruce has left him to die out of apathy (The War of Jokes and Riddles) or actively tried to kill him (also The War of Jokes and Riddles). So Edward IS winning him over, just very, very slowly.

Riddler pretty obviously just enjoys having someone to talk to that he feels is “on his level.” Even though he’s already arranged for Bruce Wayne’s assassination by the first time they meet in Batman #39, he obviously enjoys conversing with someone who can and will unravel his riddles and double meanings, to the point that afterwards he musingly wishes that they’d have an opportunity to talk again. Obviously they do, but it’s no thanks to Riddler. You can just NOT assassinate someone if you think they’re hot, Edward.

It’s what seemingly endears him to Batman too (at least, until Bruce ruins the mood by calling him an attention whore in front of all of Gotham). Though it’s basically always bad news for him, Edward clearly enjoys any time that Bruce or Batman exhibits his intelligence. 

[meanscarletdeceiver]

*goes on anon so u dont hate me* .Edward The Really Useful Engine?

Nonny. Why.

Why.

You musta known this was like lobbing a grenade in my inbox, and you must be looking forward to a blithering rant.

Well, I am gonna give you everything you want.

Welcome to the absolute worst fucking episode of what is otherwise, for the standard-gauge boys at least, a perfectly respectable season.

Welcome to clearly-written-by-committee hell.

Welcome to EtRUE.

Warning, in case you haven't already guessed: I am going to continue to indulge in an absolutely unnecessary amount of swearing.

1. This redo of Edward's theme is so sad. We're 10 seconds in and I'm already depressed. The familiar melody tells my dopamine receptors to get ready for action!

But then there's no joy. Dopamine remains unproduced. This muddy, limping rendition actually makes my houseplants start to droop and wither and my dogs start to sigh.

2. Okay, one positive—the bit where we see James scowling and then at the end of the train a smiling Edward pushing from behind and wryly eying the camera as if to say "yeahhhh... he's in one of his Moods..." is actually pretty funny.

It's a sheet of tissue paper in the coming tsunami of awful, but hey. I'm a harsh grader. But I'm fair.

3. WHY. WHY. WHY ARE WE DOING ANOTHER FUCKING STORY ABOUT EVERYONE WRITING OFF EDWARD BECAUSE HE'S OLD.

WE'VE DONE THIS. WE'VE DONE THIS SO WELL THAT NO ONE WILL EVER BE ABLE TO MATCH 'OLD IRON' OR 'EXPLOIT' EVER AGAIN. THERE IS NO WAY TO WIN THIS GAME EVEN IF YOU ARE A COMPETENT WRITER.

WHICH CLEARLY WHOEVER THE HELL SIGNED OFF ON THIS SCRIPT WASN'T.

4. But #3 isn't even the worst point. If you needed that plot, if you really needed it... it could still work. You could have newbies to the island raise this issue again... if you really want to. You could have waited until next season, when the TVS starts adding (gasp!) BR Standards to the fleet. You could have brought back some of those diesel models that you've been underusing so criminally and actually done something with them.

What they DID do is to give this role of "hahaha, let's Mean Girls edward for the lolz" to... the fucking Big Three.

Guys, the Big Three can be stupid but they're not this stupid. They are not gonna set themselves up for yet another bloody round of Hand Edward a Chance to Humiliate Us Again on a Silver Platter.

And even if they WERE, this is just... sad. Even if we ignore RWS, even if we stipulate that TVS exists in one of those weird universes where time pretty much stands still, nevertheless... at some point if you're going to act like the cast are friends you have to! actually! LET THEM ALL BE FRIENDS!! Like, roasting each other is one thing, hell even complaining right in his earshot that your friend got the bloody special everyone wanted and can't even get it started is one thing, Vitriolic Best Buds is a whole tvtropes page, but essentially saying 'omg send him to the bloody scrapyard already,' fuck my life, CAN THE WRITERS NOT SEE HOW THIS IS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CATEGORY?

In fact even by the point of 'Exploit' the milder version of this trope was rather tired but we quite rightly don't even notice because that story slapped. Which (spoiler alert) this one doesn't. But the point here is that in the RWS the big three notably, after the 'Exploit,' never go down this road again. They found new bloody targets, like diesels and even (and this is hilarious) Thomas. I can understand why TVS couldn't really use the amazing content of "the big engines start making cracks about how old Thomas is" but seriously. This is just criminally unfair characterisation to the three of them on multiple levels.

Especially Gordon. In this season he's already been designated as the Stupid Ass rather too often even for him... but this is where it clearly goes over the top.

5.

.

..

...

YES HE BLOODY WELL DOES??????????????????????

6. Okay, fine. This is not a railway documentary I'm watching. Moving on.

But it is supposed to be an ensemble series.

So let's go back to that bit of dialogue, shall we? See if you can spot yet another characterisation problem here:

Gordon: Edward is a useless old steampot. He should be retired. Percy: But he doesn't have tyres???? Thomas: *laughing* RE-tired, Percy! 'Retired' means 'taken out of service.'

The idea that Gordon could be having a go at Edward and Thomas is just chillin', kicking his wheels and contentedly giving vocabulary lessons, beggars belief.

The source for this ep is not a magazine story. Even Andrew Brenner (derogatory) did this better, knowing that Thomas's reaction in this scenario would be to clap back at Gordon and immediately start thinking of ways to pay him out.

But here Thomas is just vibing.

(I hate to smear his great name, but sadly the writer credit for this episode is in fact David Mitton.

As said, I suspect the execs, realizing they had a "main character" who'd not actually been an MC in an episode for four seasons, got too involved in this script.)

6. While Thomas is off in la-la land, Percy takes this not-very-quiet whispering campaign against Edward to heart and frets about it to the point where his driver asks what's wrong. Then the driver goes to the Fat Controller and we have yet another WTF moment.

But before we get there, a note about this bit. Percy's concern for Edward is nice. They came so. close. to doing a good here.

Remember when Edward coached Percy on what a deputation was? And how (hilariously) the big engines then strong-armed Percy into (gasp) talking to the Fat Controller about their concerns?

I could have forgiven everything about this episode if they had been smart enough to have Percy decide to present himself to the Fat Controller as a depot-station and to ask that something be done. That would have been such a smart genuinely heartwarming callback.

But we don't do "smart" or "genuinely heartwarming" this episode. Also, we don't do much of "letting the engines have any actual agency" during this entire season.

So fuck us, I guess.

7. The Fat Controller's reaction to hearing that the big engines are talking shit about Edward is almost as unbelievable as Thomas's. "I shall attend to the matter immediately!"

... You will?

The engines shit-talk each other constantly and he's never once intervened. He's concerned about confusion and delay—he's never cared much about their manners towards each other.

But Jobes, it's Edward who never says a truly mean word, this is a clear-cut case of bullying.

So???? This isn't new!!!!!! Big engines have been running down Edward for the entire franchise so far!!!!! As I complained above!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, but fine. I can accept some explanations here. Maybe no one usually brings this stuff to his attention. Or maybe he's as sick of the "mwahaha Edward is so old and weak" trope as I am and he just snapped and decided he never wanted to have to deal with this shit ever again?

Fine.

So, what would a sane, normal man do? He could just go and scold the big engines, who adorably tend to turn into blushing little kittens when this dude who is one-sixth their height wags a finger at them. If that doesn't suffice, he could stick Gordon on banking for a while? Or just lock them in a shed with a projector showing 'Old Iron' on repeat for as many days as it takes for them to remember that their complaints are fucking idiotic?

No. He decides to show the big engines that they should stop complaining about their colleagues' services by... replacing Edward with Duck.

What. The actual. Hell.

8. Unsurprisingly, when the big engines hear this, they seem to feel themselves utterly vindicated. Edward has been replaced on banking, and by a significantly stronger engine.

Yeah, Topham. That'll show 'em.

9. As an intermission before the (in)glorious climax to this growing dumpster fire of a plot, FC sends Edward to... show Stepney how to run his branch line.

Yes, you read that right.

FC has finally acquired (so it seems?????) one engine who in fact has loads more experience than Edward and he's like "you know what, you should go show this youngster the ropes. i mean, you know those Terriers, famously incompetent at everything."

I. am going. to start. THROWING THINGS.

10. The scene where FC actually gives Edward these orders is utterly unnecessary. This lil' exchange could all have been paraphrased by the narrator, freeing up valuable and much-lacking screentime for the triumphant climax. However, I suppose it DID give Edward a chance to... say a line.

The titular character gets two lines in "his" entire episode.

Because this plot is more convoluted than the footpaths of Cairo. That's why.

So I take that back. The scene wasn't unnecessary. The story would have felt really stupid if Edward hadn't even properly appeared until the end...

Oh wait. The story feels really stupid anyway.

To give credit where credit is due, at least Edward is perfectly in-character. (Meaning he's damn near the only one in this episode who is.)

11. Here, meditate for a moment on a happier world where instead of this shitty story we instead got an episode about Edward and Stepney's time working together:

Would it have been a very quaint, low-stakes episode? Probably revolving around a slightly grumpy passenger or perhaps a sweet mummy bird making a nest in a coach's brakepipe or something else idyllic-ly Christopher Awdry-esque?

Yeah.

But it would have been wholesome and fresh and and it could not have possibly have been stupider than the episode we actually got.

This is actually the bit that makes me think that Mitton's original script got chopped up by a production committee acting like hacksaw-crazy mad doctors. Because it makes me wonder if that Mitton's primary goal in this whole episode was to establish that Stepney now has a branch line firmly on the Fat Controller's railway. It's unclear whether it is 'the bluebell line' and he's just retconning it to be part of the same railway as the rest of the cast or whether he's just quietly transferred Stepney so that they no longer need excuses to keep bringing him back.

Anyway I think this literally the most interesting aspect: just this random interlude where Mitton is establishing some Lore that he clearly wanted to use in future stories.

Too bad we never got them, and instead future writers decided to ignore the opening to use a lot more of Stepney in favor of just rewriting Big Engines Talking Shit About Eddie AGAIN.

12. In a very convenient scene, Duck is conveniently overwhelmed by the trucks as a convenient way to try to force the plot to move forward again.

In a better episode I would accept that Sometimes Things Just Happen, but I'm not feeling too tolerant after the last three minutes of torment.

DUCK? THE TRUCKS GETTING THE BETTER OF DUCK?

SINCE?

BLOODY?

WHEN?

Above: an engine who is about to sue David Mitton for libel

13. I will admit, I legitimately enjoy the trucks' taunting song. Is it incredibly stupid?

🎶🎶🎶 DUCK SHOULD PLAY WITH OTHER DUCKS COZ HE'S NO GOOD AT PULLING TRUCKS! 😆😆😆

Yes.

But it is the trucks, so their 2 seconds in the limelight at least feel 100% on-point.

14. Maybe when Gordon starts pushing Duck's train we'll get a call-back to 'Double Header' ("Get on, you!!!!")?

No?

It just feels like Gordon would have been cursing Duck out around now.

#LetGordonSayBother

15. Soooooo, for some reason... Edward is available to help? Instead of being on Stepney's branch?? He's just chilling at Wellsworth??? What, having a nap while Duck did his work????

*beat*

Sure. Fine...

Again giving credit where credit is due, at least when Edward is called to help get two stranded trains started again, we don't have to do any of the HiT/early!Brennaisance bullshit song-and-dance about 'ohhhhhhhh, but 😢 i don't know 🥺 if i'm 👉👈 strong enough to do that.. 😢. 😢'

Like I said, I will freely own Edward is 100% in-character throughout this terrible viewing experience. Classic RWS stuff ("I'll come and try!")

Too bad that, despite the title, he's essentially an ascended extra.

16. Okay, thus far the episode was just kind of a meandering mess of odd ideas. In the final minute here, it runs out of the road of Mediocre and vrooms over the cliff of Painfully Bad.

First of all, the big climax is a nothingburger, cinematically speaking. It's been implied heavily that this is difficult, but it's not shown.

One of the weaknesses throughout this season has been that—I don't know how to describe it—the models all seem to be in too short a gear? They start and they stop soooooo quickly that they seem like toys rather than engines. Get the fuck out of my face with But, hur dur dur, they ARE— No. A combination of taking the movements to and from a stop slowly, as well as great chuffing and braking sound effects, used to give these moments a verisimilitude that is sorely lacking here. It's been a problem throughout Season 6, and it becomes egregious in rescue scenes. It made Douglas rescuing Donald anti-climactic. And it makes this anticlimactic too.

Look at some of the great parallel scenes in seasons past. Henry's wheels locked up as Thomas pushes with all his might. Henry's wheelslip when he starts the Flying Kipper. Gordon's difficulty and heavy chuffing in rescuing Thomas from the mine.

Here Edward just ✨ l'arrives✨ and, quicker than you can say "c'mon, lads, let's get on with it!" he's already got "the strange train" moving.

I have a terrible suspicion that someone thought that the effortlessness would make the moment more impressive?

I have an equally terrible suspicion that someone got lazy and thought that they could make the scene Cool by all the rubbish surrounding it instead of by the moment itself?

17. Which brings us to All the Rubbish Surrounding It.

I think the idea for the end of this was meant to be slap Gordon around with a good ol'-fashioned Humiliation Conga Line. Which, legit. Trust me, after the season he's had, he's earned one and so have we.

But the writers didn't understand how to pull one off. It's supposed to be funny.

They went in for "earnest and preachy" instead... very different thing.

I cringed so fucking hard.

Give me "The Fat Controller pointed angrily at the clock" anyday.

(Speaking of whom, hope he palmed Stevie here a tenner after that lil' moment, as was surely pre-arranged...)

18.

Real True Transcription of Me Hissing at the Television:

Show???... don't tell??...

Show! Don't Tell!

SHOW!

DON'T!

TELL!!!

They're kids, David. Your target viewers are kids. This doesn't mean they're categorically idiots.

19. Okay, but at least they got the whole excessively morality-tale thing out of their system...

Fuckin' 'ell!

20.

It's a bad sign when a fucking internet parody author, who thought it would be a laugh to make a fanfic out of the series but have a lot more jokes about cigarettes, wee, and railway sex, was able to make the "apology scene" scene 10000% more emotionally compelling than it went down in canon.

Without even changing a word of the (shitty, shitty) dialogue.

But here we are, not in the warmth of Fandomland, but in cold hard reality. Yes, yes. We get it. Edward is ssooo self-effacing. Certainly he would never needle Gordon the Big Eng...

... oh. Wait.

21. Well, at least it's over. They can't possibly kick us in the 'nads again in the last 4 seconds—

The WHAT??

Wait.

THE PLAN??????

What a mind-screw right before we cut to the theme song, y'all. A reasonable viewer would have interpreted STH's "plan" as just... sending Edward somewhere else. A shitty plan, but at least not an actual plothole.

You mean to tell me, narrator, that the whole "Edward proved he was more reliable than Duck (DUCK!!!!!??????)" bit was according to STH's plan?

That. makes. no. bloody. sense!!!

STH figured the rigors of the job would make Duck stall out?

First of all, it seems shitty to set up Duck (totally fucking innocent in all this) as a goat.

But also this 'plan' is as unrealistic as it was unkind.

DUCK?

THE FUCKING GWR 5700??

NOTABLY WITH THIRTY YEARS' LESS WEAR AND A GOOD 10,000 LBF ON EDWARD????

I DON'T UNDERSTAND???????

I get Edward is Ol' Reliable himself, but the notion that if you sub in Duck sooner or later the engines will beg you for Edward back to help them is absolutely absurd.

At this point, I stomp furiously on this trashcan of an episode and then kick the resulting tin pancake as hard as I can. Hopefully it will get burned up in the ozone layer and never return to darken the face of this earth again.

22. Well, at least the TVS got it out of their system, promised that the conflict of Doubting Edward would be laid to rest, and will surely find new and better material for #2 going forwar—

OH

C'MONNNNNN!!!!

[night-unfurls-its-splendour]

NETFLIX PERSUASION LIVE REACTION

Okay, so far not so bad

*Anne drinks wine from the bottle, "single and thriving*... nevermind.

I say, What an oddly proportioned bed!

This is a lovely room... for, say a cottage.

Isn't the point of Anne that she doesn't have any hope of Wentworth? Isn't that what this whole thing is about?

Wait I'm sorry I didn't see what Mrs clay was saying there I was busy staring at her... wayward figure

Anne did you wake up in a daze that your put your blouse on the OUTSIDE of your dress?

I like these Crofts.

I wouldn't even mind the fourth wall breaking, if this dialogue was anything Anne Elliot would ever say.

Is that a shift?

If this was TRYING to be Tumblr Dialogue absurdist Jane Austen I would LOVE the empath line, but it's not trying to be that so I can't.

I'm struggling because I hate this scene of her with the wine bottle at the window but she's wearing a shift under those stays and that butters many parsnips for me.

Your hair is also suitability... appropriate *her hair looks like she just rolled out of bed*

That is... too big to be Uppercross Grange. This is as bad as the House Inflation in Emma.

Could we have cast someone [as Wentworth] who actually has a jaw please? Just once?

Oh look a brief glimpse of actual dialogue!

"Charles wanted to marry me first!" WHO IS THIS WINE AUNT?

Hilarious that Charles hasn't even like talked to Anne in this version?

I need to roll that back, because I must not have any occasion to miss this terrible dialogue -- my sister

*laughing at the blackbeard line*

This is not dance music

Wow do you have enough mascara on?

Oh I see she finally decided to put her hair up

Self-care! The words "self-care" just... *pounds chair arm* CAPPUCCINO! --my sister (fun-fact, the cappuccinos we know today were first known to exist IN ITALY, in the 1930's)

The height difference between Mary and Charles here is about the difference between Alice and Jasper in the Twilight books

This guy would make a better Edward Ferrars

Shifts but no bonnets...

The location cards on this movie out here in your face like the new covers for the Twilight books

What is with them and casting my sisters babies as Harvill? First Joseph Mawle now Edward Bluemel

Take a drink every time Anne takes a drink

Can we stop casting musicians as Austen heros?

"You've never had trouble speaking for yourself." Ummm

Ah yes schmoozing, prostrating oneself before the superiority of woman, very attractive

The only thing Henry Golding would be good for in my estimation is playing Sulu by that ship has sailed. He's too mustache twirly for anything else

I want Anne's green redingote

I just wanna say "hes a ten--I never trust a ten" has the same flavor as "my mother's oft repeated warning echoes in my ears: never trust a man who can dance" from Fifty Shades of Grey. Even if that line wasn't in the movie the association is enough to make me cackle like a fish wife.

I love how Anne always has a hangover in the morning

Richard E. Grant is just such a perfect Sir Walter

Okay for what this is, Dakota Johnson is actually doing a fine job

This is one of those Period dramas where all the awful characters are dressed impeccably well in things that you want to wear SO BADLY and the character you're supposed to "relate to" is dressed like a slovenly peasant, because the people making the film think that tasteful and intricate clothing is bougie and ostentatious. Like bitch you don't understand what ostentatious was in 1816.

The Octopussy speech... I... *downs whole glass of dry Vermouth*

Bitch what quiet dignity? You put jam on your lip!

I like everything about this version except for the leads, her costumes and the dialogue

He just does not cut a fine figure in his uniform. He's not dashing.

Is this concert in the daytime????

THOSE GLOVES ARE FISHNET

Why does that dress not fit

Put a feather in her hair and she'd look like a whore

Here we've all been bemoaning Dakota Johnson when the worst thing about this adaptation is what they've done to Wentworth.

I'm changing it from taking a drink every time Anne does to "every time Anne is a total wino"

Edward Bluemel is such a wonderful Harvill.

"The Universe" is invoked so many times here because we're allergic to religion

Bath Marathon? BATH MARATHON!

Guys the problem is I'm not moved at all. I feel nothing. At all.

What is this music?

Oh look a wedding! That's different

Why is Mr Elliot even in this version?

If he was a better Wentworth I would be really enjoying this wedding day sextant scene

My sister: *slurring because we've had a lot of prosecco* did she just wink.

Afterthoughts

Not Enough of the crofts

I'm VERY dissapointed that this petty bitch wino version of Anne didn't get to go off about Dick Musgrove. Which just proves that this is an adaptation of the Cliff Notes and not the actual book.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

While we're on the subject what do you think would have happened if it was Carlisle who came back after Bella's cliff diving? Maybe he happened to be closer to Forks or Alice was in another country and called him to go check on her (or whatever it was she hoped to accomplish by going to Forks) Would he nope out after seeing Bella's alive or would he stick around, become concerned about her wellbeing?

The post anon is referencing, where Rosalie comes back instead of Alice, things get hilarious and awkward. Edward never attempts suicide in Volterra.

So, Why Didn't Carlisle Come Back?

He didn't know.

For plot convenient reasons, he and Esme were out of the house at the time, and it was Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett by themselves.

Alice had her vision, heads down to Forks to see Bella's grave/catch the funeral, Rosalie decides to man up and tell Edward around the time that Alice reaches Forks.

(It probably takes her quite a few times to actually get a hold of Edward.)

I believe Carlisle is supposed to be absent from the time Alice gets the news until the Italy debacle is nearly over. He and Esme come back to everything on fire, Edward very likely to be executed for breaking the law in Volterra itself, and Edward having attempted suicide period.

By the time he gets there, it's known Bella's actually alive.

However, had he been home earlier, had he been there in the period where they thought Bella was in fact dead, I believe he would have travelled with Alice back to Forks.

Well, he would have tried to make the family come. This girl was important to Edward, important to their lives, of course they're showing up for the goddamn funeral.

Rosalie would throw a fit, Jasper would be an emotional wreck (likely feeling somehow complicit in all of this), Esme would be an emotional wreck for what this means for Edward, Emmett would be very awkward, and all in all Carlisle would wonder if, perhaps, he should have left the family at home.

Point being, Carlisle would absolutely have come back, but he probably would not have been alone.

But this is AU world, let's say he did.

Carlisle Returns Alone

His family is imploding, he leaves them behind, he'll tell them when the funeral is.

Alice doesn't come with him because Edward has to be told and Alice is the best one to do it. Alice really doesn't want to, but Carlisle insists, no, Edward has to know and best it comes from Alice who was her best friend.

And Rosalie, bless her heart, lacks the tact.

(Rosalie is mildly offended but agrees, probably best Alice does it).

So Carlisle returns alone, opens the door, "Oh, hello Bella."

Carlisle gets to awkwardly explain that, you see, Alice thought you had died. Neither he nor Bella have any explanation for this. Jake, meanwhile, wants Dr. Cullen out and is giving his "how dare you speech"

Unlike Rosalie, Carlisle sticks around and finds out the awful truth.

Bella is being hunted by vampires, the town of Forks is under siege by Victoria, and apparently the presence of vampires triggers the wolf transformation and so now half the Quileute tribe under the age of 18 is a shape shifter and it's all his family's fault.

Oh, and Bella did just attempt suicide, but isn't admitting it. She just likes jumping off cliffs now because, well, she might be hallucinating Edward? That's normal, right?

Carlisle goes to stand in a corner and breathe in a paper bag.

Carlisle goes into emergency mode.

He gives Bella the pep talk of a lifetime and explains why the family left and what they were trying to accomplish with this. He gets the not so good details of exactly how Edward broke up with her. He returns to breathing in a bag.

Then he gets the phone call.

Alice... may have fucked up.

Edward didn't take the news well, he's decided to kill himself in Volterra, and the only way to stop him is if Bella Swan shows up to stop him in person.

Carlisle speed dials Aro, Aro is delighted to hear from his old friend, except that the conversation is Carlisle's stressed screaming. Carlisle gives Aro the fast version: he's made a coven, his son is coming to ask for assisted suicide, he has a human girlfriend (yes, Carlisle knows, no he doesn't like it, THAT'S NOT THE POINT, ARO) Carlisle asks, for the love of god, stall Aro and Carlisle will be there as soon as he can (yes, with the human girlfriend).

Aro is delighted at the prospect of seeing Carlisle but also a little weirded out. Alright, Carlisle, he'll pretend to humor this Edward and stall him.

So, Aro does, and he does it with magnificence. The throne room is filled with incense, Aro is back in Myceenaen garb, and the only light is from candles. The ambiance is spectacular.

While the Volturi will not assist Edward's suicide, they will grant him a wish, should he pass through the Volturi's three trials. Only then will he be worthy of the highest and most ancient honors.

Edward eats this up. HE IS READY FOR HIS TRIALS.

The first is a trial of strength, he must wrestle Caius and win. Well, unfortunately, he loses. Aro tells Caius that he has to let Edward win, if he gets too frustrated, there's no telling what this kid will do. Caius refuses to lose to this punk.

Aro has to bribe him.

This continues up until Carlisle and Bella finally arrive.

Carlisle gets to witness the madness that is Aro and Edward playing chess in this room filled with incense and candles. Aro abruptly calls everything off and gives the three some privacy.

Carlisle has had the world's worst day and lays into Edward. Edward's processing Bella's alive, human, and that nothing is going his way. It's a giant mess.

Aro returns and goes, "So, onto the real trouble, Bella Swan is human."

Unfortunately, Alice isn't there with them, so Aro doesn't have his out. Aro concludes that Bella Swan will be turned in Italy, though she may leave afterwards with Carlisle and Edward.

As for this Victoria situation, well, Aro and associates will keep an eye on it.

Edward loses his shit. With Carlisle right there. Carlisle gets to witness Edward's Full Edward mental breakdown.

It's a disaster and the flight home from Volterra is the most awkward thing in the world.

However, because the law was enacted and Bella didn't return home human, Caius is much more appeased. He still doesn't like Carlisle, and certainly not Edward, but he's no longer concerned Aro lacks the will to enforce his own laws.

The plot of Eclipse and Breaking Dawn do not happen.

Bella and Edward likely do not end up together, as Edward is eaten alive by guilt at having been responsible for Bella now being a vampire. This makes Bella miserable, but such is life.

At least she's a Cullen now.

[thessaliah]

favorite and least favorite characters introduced by fgo?

Favorite list will be an image set later. But just the mobile game and not Arcade, my ten least favorite ones are (no particular order):

Scheherazade

Boudica

Koyanskaya

Beryl Gutt

Musashi Miyamoto

Fergus

Clytie Van Gogh

Artemis/Orion (Count as one ish)

Ranmaru X

Edward "Blackbeard" Teach

I tried not to put pseudos because those would fill this list with ease, since they are in most cases shallow versions of a beloved character and focused on new characters. There are of course unsympathetic bastards like Columbus, but I kinda like his unapologetic hateful portrayal so I can't say "I really hate this character." Here's why of those picks (has some spoilers for Avalon Le Fae):

One strong reason is disillusionment. I absolutely loved Boudica and Scheherazade as historical or semi-historical figures since childhood and their portrayal makes me spill tears of rage. I think I burned Boudica many times out of sheer anger when I rolled her because I couldn't bear her presence in my inventory. Only after two years, I stopped. But I ascended her last from all my Servants (I ascended all I had in JP server and left Boudica for last). That's how bad it burned me. It doesn't help I was looking forward before FGO to have those girls as Servants.

Next are characters with a particular idiotic concept and an awful execution: Ranmaru X (why was this even a thing? felt superfluous to the Guda Guda event, and I love Guda Guda cast and characters so much), Koyanskaya (it's so hilariously stupid, you don't know if they're pulling your leg when you read her real backstory), "Van Gogh" (nonsensical abomination. if had been Van Gogh sister or just genderbend Van Gogh, I wouldn't mind her but nope. I love her design, what a waste). The crazy background is risky, if you can't pull it off as Nasu did with Avalon Le Fae cast, don't try it and play safe!

Bland, offensive, or just eye-twitching portrayal even if I wasn't personally invested with those characters: Teach (he was fine in Okeanus and occasionally when he interacts with Drake, but that he was flanderized as an otaku lolicon makes me want to slap someone); Fergus (he's there in representation to all the males who got reduced to "horny loser who only moves and breaths with his libido" just as poor Fionn and David too, but Fergus got hit even worse); Artemis and Orion (their slapstick unit which is the best example of how normalized is to abuse a male character because is "funny." Crossing the line and making other people think that abuse is normal, gross. They are great in Atlantis, of course).

Personal distaste/negative emotions aka just flat out hate this character because of how it was portrayed and developed in the main story even if I was neutral/liked them in the beginning: Koyanskaya ( went to competent love to hate villain to try to woobify her unfairly with a conclusion that dragged other characters down with her. Vile), Beryl Gutt (like Koyan, had a lot of potential as a villain instead we got...something, huh. Wasn't woobified because he's a male and not a playable waifu, but his characterization lacked any interest when he's directly or partly responsible for the death of numerous actually interesting characters like Woodwose, Pepe, Kirschtaria and Baoban Sith), Musashi (god to think I liked her in her quest and Shimousa, she quickly developed into a Mary Sue. Her story should have ended in Shimousa instead of trying to shoehorn her in two Lostbelt chapters, in particular Olympus. She offered nothing but to hoard resources and story focus that other characters sorely needed ugh).

[ianthedisastrous]

13, 14, 15, 19, 20

What Muse(s) have you not seen the movie/show for?

We all know my obsession with Onward...sooo. But admittedly I have not seen most of Enchanted, sorry Edward. I watched parts of it years ago and never saw most of this movie. So, yeah, I should probably watch that at some point.

What type of Magick do you like the most? Do you have one?

I have to be biased and say sorcerers, of course. Do elves count too? Just so I can cover all my bases here.

What’s your proudest moment/accomplishment in BDRP?

Honestly, I think just coming back? I left due to some big medical issues and considered for a long time returning but kept talking myself out of it because I left. I didn't think it would be overly welcoming if I returned and I was hesitant. I'm glad I finally just decided to chance it because I was very wrong; I've made some incredible friendships here and I wouldn't have had any of that if I hadn't just pushed myself to return. I still consider it an accomplishment getting over my uncertainties.

Write some love for three Muns of your choice!

...oops. 4 instead of 3 but whatever.

Sammy! I guess that's probably the obvious but Sammy is one of my very best friends. Absolutely I am a huge fan of their intense devotion to researching, plotting and just overall strength in characterization that makes for some seriously interesting characters because it's amazing. But even more than that they're an outstanding person who makes me laugh, cry, rp-rage and brightens my days at their worst and makes me smile when I need to. I am constantly impressed by their perseverance in the rough spots in life, and honestly I feel like they constantly teach me something new in the way they tackle life. I can't imagine not having the support, rambling calls, movie nights, and just overall wonderful part of my life that is Sammy.

Jean! I've said before and still firmly stand by the fact that Jean is one of the most grounding people I've ever met. Funny, infinitely kind and just overall the type of person I know I can go to for insight when I'm faltering. You are a point of calm in the storm and encouragement I'm so grateful for. Thank you so much for just being there and being you; I admire so much about you as a person and am so intensely glad to have you as a friend.

Lauren! Solidarity in similar crazy lives! But of course more than that you're just outstanding. There's a kindness to Lauren that I always gravitate to, and a no-nonsense sort of strength I'm in awe of; I know I can always count on her in my corner. She's just flat out a great friend and constantly catches me off guard with witty humor at the best moments. And comparing crazy country kid problem stories really are some of the funniest times; at this point I'm entirely certain we have to be like long-lost cousins or something. Haha.

Lins! If anyone is a real life Wonder Woman I am certain it's Lins. She just flat out enchants me with her creativity and drive, her energy and just so much about her. I know whenever I'm down and just need to step back Lins will be there with kind words and eagerly distracting me with stories, ideas and all the good things. Thank you for taking the moment to reach out that became a friendship I hope lasts forever; you're amazing! But please no stealing armor from museums. Please. Lins.

Write some love for three Muses of your choice!

Pip! Charming drama child, oh how I adore Pip. If Ian had been in school with this boy he would have been a very different person; they're honestly so alike in some ways and Pip's boldness is something Ian admires so much. Sweet, brilliant Pip who knows far too much of life and cares so much more than people realize because of his wisdom. His stories are always so outstanding and stir so much emotion, every time, every word. Ian has already decided, Pip, you can't avoid it; he's just decided to big brother you.

Phineas! You outstanding wreck of a person. I love how dynamic Phineas is; he's so real and with that comes real flaws, real shortcomings and real reactions. I sometimes feel like he's the villain of his own story just by his own ambitions and I think that is outstanding; he's the best version of how messy life is when you're a teen. Ian may dislike you, for so many reasons, but I'm a big fan. And honestly the fact Ian can dislike someone with the bristled level he does Phineas still just endlessly amuses me.

Eric! Do you even know where you are? Thank you for being Ian's first experience with how horrifically frustrating feelings can be! Too sweet for his own good -except when he's out trying to murder mermaids evidently?- and too confusing for Ian to decide if he's fascinated or exhausted. Eric is so consistently hilariously in his own world and I love it, so much; I worry he's going to get distracted and wander into traffic one day. This unintentionally blunt, soft boy is just great, so great. Plus Sid's writing style with Eric is so pretty, so good, I always feel like I'm reading a Victorian novel.

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Wicker Man (2006)

Remakes - particularly horror film remakes - have a bad reputation but the 2006 version of The Wicker Man takes it to a whole new level. If you want quotable, memorable, laugh-out-loud hilarious, and utterly baffling, look no further. After seeing the 1973 original, I wondered what elements would be changed and updated by writer/director Neil LaBute. Seems he chose to take out everything which made the horror classic creepy and replace them with lots of bees, a conspiracy that makes no sense, and lines so bad no one could make them sound good.

Policeman Edward Malus (Nicholas Cage) receives a call for help from the fiancé who abandoned him years ago. The daughter he never knew he had has disappeared. Willow (Kate Beahan) believes her mother, Sister Summersisle (Ellen Burstyn) intends on sacrificing the girl as part of a strange harvest ritual.

This film's madness creeps up on you. At first, there appears to be potential. A mystery to be solved, an island full of weirdos. Malus is a nice guy. He’s forgiven his insane ex-fiance and is coming to help her. Immediately, things are creepy. The island's men are treated like servants, all of the little girls dress alike. Willow is so brainwashed or traumatized she’s hardly any help. Then, slowly, the movie begins tossing nonsense and bad dialogue your way. The further you get in, the more ridiculous it gets until you reach the jaw-droppingly awful conclusion.

A great “so bad it’s good” movie requires a story that’s interesting, but straightforward enough that your audience can interject with witty comments without missing too much of the plot. You need memorable, quotable scenes to turn into inside jokes afterward. You need bad dialogue, lousy performances, and ideally, noticeable mannerisms you can imitate. Unconvincing special effects are a nice bonus. The Wicker Man has it all. Willow’s dialogue is comprised entirely of half-finished sentences while officer Malus has lines so awful they're legendary. After this film, bees will never be the same. You'll find yourself compelled to scream “No, not the bees. NOT THE BEES! Ahhh! They’re in my eyes!” every time you see them. What kind of movie could hold that kind of power? A glorious catastrophe.

What this story is really about is the world’s stupidest police officer trapped in the most convoluted, hackneyed, “100 things should have gone wrong but none of them do” conspiracy. Try and write down every factor that should've compelled Malus to act differently than he does. It’s one of those movies where you can’t guess the ending because the ending makes no sense. Only a madman would be able to think as Labute does. As a special bonus, odds are that if you get this movie on Dvd, it will be a double-sided disc. One side theatrical cut, the other an “unrated cut with an ending too shocking for theatres. What you want to do is play the theatrical cut. While your guests are recovering from that glimpse of madness, you eject the disc, flip it around and play the ending of the unrated version. You thought it couldn't get worse? It just did.

I'd tell you all about my favorite parts but the less you know about The Wicker Man before going in, the better. Nicholas Cage is a gem. He delivers an extreme performance. Even when there's no dialogue, he's so eye-poppingly loony you'll be making dozens of computer gifs just so you can watch them on a loop and laugh. He's bad but proves himself a good actor. It takes a special kind of talent and dedication to be able to deliver this dialogue with a straight face. I love the remake of The Wicker Man; it’s one of my go-to movies that’s “so bad it’s good again”. (Theatrical and Unrated Cut on Dvd, May 9, 2015)

[eyreguide]

Thoughts on Jane Eyre (1961)

1961 adaptation of Jane Eyre (this is such a staged photo, there's no scene like this in the episode!)

There have been a handful of American hour long adaptations of Jane Eyre that were produced in the 40s/50s/60s for anthology television shows.  Three are generally available - one of them starred Charlton Heston as Rochester and another with Patrick MacNee (from the TV show The Avengers) as the brooding hero - and they are all interesting in their way, but there is another version that is only available to watch for free at the Paley museum in LA and NYC.  This one starred Sally Ann Howes and Zachary Scott.  It's one that I want to explore in this post because it's so interesting to me as an adaptation.  And in many ways I adore it.

I think of this post as a way for me to show that I can like Jane Eyre adaptations that change a lot of things from the book.  I'm not completely close-minded when it comes to liberties taken.  I do generally like for adaptations to be faithful, but if, in the event of time constraints, or catering to the audience, etc, there has to be some big changes, I still hope that those changes remain faithful to the story/characters/spirit of the original.  And in this TV version, I found that to be the case, which is very rare, especially with the changes they decided to make and the fact that it is only an hour long.

I'm going to list some of the changes made, and why I think they worked or why they just delighted me even if they don't exactly fit in with the story.  But first I should mention the usual with these hour long productions - Jane's childhood is always skipped, and generally the Rivers section is shortened or skipped.  I can live with that, since the main drama is with Jane and Rochester at Thornfield.  Production values are simple and no one cares to even approximate an English accent.  Oh well.  And now on to some of those liberties taken with the story:

Grace Poole as a suspicious character is immediately established

With some adaptations, Grace Poole is not a major character - but she does play a role in the plot of the novel because she is the red herring for the mysterious occurrences at Thornfield.  She gives Jane a reason to not wonder too much about who is behind the fires and attacks, even if it's unclear why Mr. Rochester doesn't get rid of Grace.  I liked that in this adaptation you see that Grace likes to drink (important to note), and also that she might like to creep about the house.  It's also great that a little bit of suspense is set up right in the beginning, because this version focuses on the romance between Jane and Rochester foremost, so that early bit of Gothic flavor is appreciated.

Jane meets Mr. Rochester in the library

Instead of a Hay Lane scene where Mr. Rochester almost runs Jane down on his horse, Jane goes to the library and Mr. Rochester startles her because he is sitting there in the gloom.  It's kind of hilarious because it is surprising for him to be there, and he's completely nonplussed by Jane and her reaction.  Sadly we don't get the poetic beauty of a fairy tale turned on it's head with Mr. Rochester riding in majestically on his horse to literally falling off, but with this scene, we get that Mr. Rochester is unsettling to Jane, he is established as morose and brooding, and just as it is in the book, the scene is not very romantic at all.

Mr. Rochester tells Jane there is a madwoman in the attic

I like this change, (and it's kind of a big one!) because it's realistic to me that Rochester would just tell Jane he has a mentally unsound "relative" up there, which is what I would think most of the servants in the house know.  It also serves to downplay Jane's naïveté when it comes to not questioning the secret Mr. Rochester is obviously keeping.  Especially when he is going to marry her, and he should share everything with her.  It's a change that makes sense.

There is a scene between Mr. Rochester, Jane and Blanche!

Alright, so Blanche is not a nice person, but in the book, we only have Jane's observations of her, and not really any dialogue between the two of them, so having a scene where Blanche is absolutely catty to Jane, and Jane gets her own back with a little zinger is the best.  Something that's not in the book, but something I totally wanted.  It went like this:

Blanche: "But governess aren't supposed to, are they Miss Eyre?  Fall in love I mean.  My Mama thought she would wield an immoral influence, so she packed her off.  Minus the tutor." Jane: "What a shame you never completed your education, Miss Ingram." Blanche: "You have a sharp tongue haven't you?  You must learn your place..." Rochester: "And your place is at the piano, my dear Blanche."

The scene also features Mr. Rochester more demanding in his wish for Jane to return to the party, and just generally seeming to prefer her company to Blanche, as Blanche is rather snippy. I have all kinds of love for this addition.  The subtext of the scene from the novel is brought out into an actual scene.

The proposal is wonderfully awkward

The proposal scene in the novel is especially fun to re-read (the first time you read it, I think you are caught up in the fact that Mr. Rochester is actually proposing now) but when you go over it a few more times, it's so clear just how much he's trying to push Jane into revealing her feelings.  And with this adaptation, you get a greater sense of that.  Mr. Rochester here, is so deliberately obtuse as he blatantly makes Jane think he is going to marry Blanche.  It's awful teasing, but funny in a way.  Especially when he makes the complete turnaround, and is all 'you're the one that I want.'  Jane's confusion is completely justified.  And the scene shifts into romantic very quickly, especially with this line of Rochester's:

"I don't ask you to love me, perhaps you know too much about me to love me now.  But I need you Jane, I need you to take my life and make it over.  The best and the worst of it.  If you will."

He's bares his soul to her, and it's beautiful.

St. John Rivers is a joke

This is not something I would generally like about the adaptation, because it is so far from the way St. John is written in the novel!  But he's so out of character in this, and so humorously unappealing, that it is funny, and he brings an unexpected lightness to the story after so much heartache.  St. John in this adaptation is rotund, balding, stuttering, over-effusive and I get the sense that when he's asking Jane to become a missionary and his wife, he's surprised that Jane actually considers it.  I mean, Jane acts like she seriously considers it, but the moment he leaves, she's like no way!  That's also hilarious to me.  I guess I like this change too, because I don't care for the character of St. John, so I'm not as attached to seeing him as he should be portrayed.  It's almost like with this change, St John's personality (in the book) matches the physicality of this adaptation's portrayal.  Someone so handsome and angelic-looking, shouldn't be so cold and dismissive.

Mr. Rochester and Jane's reunion is aggressive

Ah, the last scene!  In the novel Mr. Rochester is pretty broken down - I mean he's lost his sight, one hand, and the love of his life, so that's understandable.  And in the book his melancholy wins out over his pride.  But with this adaptation, Rochester has so much pride, he's angry that Jane's returned to him, because he feels like he doesn't have anything to offer her, and it's kind of adorable.  Jane's passive aggressive comments are also endearing to me.  Their relationship throughout the episode often featured verbal sparring, and it really comes out now.  Jane doesn't have patience for Mr. Rochester's pity party, and it's glorious.  Favorite line from Jane -

"I'm only sorry to see that you met disaster with such poor spirit."  

Me: *slow clap*

The Writing

Perhaps you may have noticed from the parts of the script I've quoted, that this adaptation takes some liberties with the original text. It's true, it absolutely does.  I think it uses very little of the dialogue from the book, but surprisingly the script is very good at capturing the tone and spirit of the novel - at least I think so.  And that makes it an interesting script for me, because something that is so changed and abridged still gives me the feels when it comes to the story.  There are a few moments in the episode that are emotionally powerful to me, where the script perfectly brings to life the romance and personality of Jane and Rochester.  There's this one from just after the fire in Rochester's room and Rochester is talking to Jane, commenting on how much good she's done for the place --

Rochester: "Joan of Arc come to raise the siege of Thornfield." Jane: "I'll do what I can sir, whatever I can." Rochester: [quietly and thoughtfully]  "I wonder if you could raise it."

Or this one after the attack on Mason, and Rochester is revealing more of his feelings to Jane --

Rochester: "Are you still my friend Jane, now that you know all this?" Jane: "I shall always be your friend, sir." Rochester: "Then I shall make one more confession.  You are my only friend."

To paraphrase Jane - who wouldn't melt at those words??  And Jane is so pessimistic about her feelings for Rochester.  This line is especially bittersweet in how it shows Jane’s lack of confidence in loving Rochester:

Jane: "I had come little by little to admit to myself that I loved him.  Though I knew if ever there was a hopeless love, it was mine for Edward Rochester."

There's also humor, as in Mr. Rochester's question when Jane returns in the end and finds him blind and lonely -

Rochester: "What brings you to Thornfield? On holiday visiting ancient monuments and ruins?"

What this adaptation manages to do astonishingly well is cut to the heart of the story and presents a dialogue that is true to the novel and the emotion, but in brevity.  For instance, instead of Mr. Rochester describing why he's not interested in Blanche during the proposal scene - in the novel he asks what love Blanche has for him and what happened when he caused the rumor to reach her that he was not rich, etc.  No, in this adaptation Rochester dismisses Blanche by calling her a "supercilious stick."  Come on, that's hilarious!  I don't know how this version can fail to delight anyone.

Conclusion

I've spent most of this post highlighting aspects of the script, but I should give lots of credit to the actors, especially Sally Ann Howes as Jane and Zachary Scott as Rochester.  Jane is "not such a rabbit" as Rochester calls her in the show, and it was refreshing to see a Jane who could hold her own verbally against Rochester.  Most adaptations struggle to show a strong Jane with an "inward fire".  I don't think Sally was the perfect Jane - there was still somewhat of a too submissive quality to her portrayal, but I think she did a creditable job and I enjoyed the touch of asperity she brought to the character.

Zachary Scott - well, I developed a great fondness for the actor because of this.  (I have since watched a bunch of his old films!)  I loved the brooding romantic quality he brought to Rochester.  He's rough, he's bitter, he's teasing, he's tender, he's almost perfect, and I found him very swoon-worthy.  And the way he would deliver some of those lines!  *fans self*  There's a moment too when Rochester abruptly moves closer to Jane and you just know he wants to kiss her, but he stops himself.  Perfection.  That exact moment of longing and restraint is the emotion I want from every Jane Eyre adaptation.  I want to say that even the soundtrack to this production is gorgeous - very romantic and pensive.

I can't believe I'm so obsessed with this version.  I can't believe it because there are so many adaptations of Jane Eyre out there, that I can own (and do), yet this one - now one of my top favorites - is unavailable!  I also feel sad that I can't share this version with everyone, because I truly feel that it would be a great introduction to the story if someone has not read it.  Err, if you don't mind TV production values from the Sixties.  And of course it would delight any fans of the novel.  All I can say is that if you have the opportunity to visit the Paley Museum, try to watch this in their library.  And if the copyright owner of the program happens to see this.... please make this for sale!!

And thank you, dear Reader, for getting through this long review! 

(Note: This is a re-post, with edits, of something I wrote on Bookish Whimsy a few years ago)

[fullmetalirin]

Fullmetal Alchemist OG vs. Brotherhood: Return to Resembool (OG 17, BH 06)

Resembool breather episode.

Fullmetal Alchemist Episode 17: "House of the Waiting Family"

The Elrics and Armstrong all return to Resembool, meeting up with Pinako, who agrees to repair Ed in three days time. While the Elrics recuperate, Armstrong assists Winry and Pinako in work. The Elrics later reminisce about their childhood while at their mother's tombstone. Al seems to worry about having fading memories, but Armstrong breaks the tension. A few days later, receiving his replacement arm and leg, Ed uses his alchemy to rebuild Al's armored body from the shattered remains. Afterwards, the brothers and Armstrong head back to Central to find Marcoh's research.

We open with Pinako staring into the sky.

Ed says he hasn't been back to Resembool since he left. How'd he get new limbs, then? He's clearly grown since he was 12, and his automail leg is longer since the flashback. Did Winry keep hopping over to Central to make him new limbs?

Winry is not wearing goggles while she works.

Pinako calls Ed short, and we have the same insult-fu scene from BH 02. Way more appropriate here.

Armstrong is hilarious.

Winry throws a wrench at Ed, similarly to the scene where he transmutes his automail in BH 02.

Al gets cartoon face when being admonished by Winry.

There's a flashback to 03 when Ed visits the grave, but his line about bringing Trisha back is different. I hate when shows do that.

Trisha's epitaph is illegible.

Winry nerds out over Ed's watch. When he refuses to give it to her, she tries flirting with Armstrong, who immediately runs away. LOL.

Armstrong breaks the door when he barges in.

Ed calls Winry an automail nerd, and she calls him a transmutation nerd as payback.

Ed has to be sat down on a bed to ride out the pain of the reattachment.

Winry brings up the possibility of the automail stunting Ed's growth, and says she made the new ones lighter to help.

Armstrong's bishie sparkles fall down when Ed isn't impressed by him. LOL.

Al says it "feels great" when the armor is fixed. I thought he couldn't feel anything?

Ed and Al spar again once they're fixed. Winry realizes the Ed left his watch inside. Hohoho.

When Winry opens the watch, she sees the inscription. I think this is the first time we've seen it in OG.

FMA Brotherhood Episode 6: "Road of Hope"

While Armstrong escorts Edward and Alphonse back to Resembool by train, he spots a man named Tim Marcoh, the "Crystal Alchemist", at a nearby stop. He explains that Marcoh was a state alchemist and doctor during the Ishval civil war, and conducted research on biological alchemy before disappearing at the end of the war. They talk to Marcoh and learn that he was researching the philosopher's stone but only succeeded in creating an incomplete version. At first refusing to share his knowledge with Edward, Marcoh eventually provides a clue to the location of his research data. After they reach Resembool, Winry Rockbell and her grandmother Pinako Rockbell start working on Edward's automail. After receiving his replacement arm and leg, Edward uses his alchemy to rebuild Alphonse's suit of armor from the shattered remains. Afterwards, the Elric brothers, along with Armstrong, head back to Central to look for Marcoh's research.

We open with Hughes seeing them off on the train. We cover why Armstrong is escorting them as protection, but nothing else from OG 16 – no bit with Scar finding out where they're going, no mention that they think Scar was Nina's killer, no "excuse the left-hand salute" line; and while we get the same bit with Ed taking offense at being called a child, we don't get Al saying he appreciates it. Ed also behaves much more normally, with no indication that he's depressed or affected by what he learned last episode.

Armstrong shouts out Marcoh's name in a public train station for everyone to hear, because he's an idiot.

We learn more explicitly that Marcoh was studying healing alchemy. Boy, he sure must feel like an idiot in this continuity where their next-door neighbors already had that figured out for centuries.

Armstrong doesn't seem to know what happened to Marcoh after the war. So Mustang didn't tell him?

Ed only wants to find him because he thinks he could know a way to restore their bodies.

Oh my god Armstrong is showing sketches of Marcoh to everyone in the city. Because it's not like there's a terrifying military dictatorship after him or anything.

The scene where they meet Marcoh plays out similarly, but it's played for comedy, with Marcoh actually firing but Ed dodging out of the way with a cartoony expression. Wow. Wow. A traumatized enabler of war crimes is so terrified of the idea the fascist finally found him he's desperate enough to shoot children? What a barrel of laughs!

And Armstrong convinces him to stand down by crushing him with a suit of armor, which is of course framed for comedy. What is tone.

Maybe it's just a translation difference, but Marcoh doesn't mention wanting to take his own life, just that "I could give my whole life and still not atone". That's a lot weaker.

Armstrong doesn't know what Marcoh was researching? WTF?

Marcoh shows them the Stone instead of Ed having to find it.

Ed pokes it, and we see that it's gel-like.

Marcoh says it's awful that Ed's a State Alchemist knowing what they did in the Ishbalan war. Ed says he knows but he has to do it anyway. He makes a really fancy metaphor.

Marcoh is impressed Ed transmuted Al's soul. So I guess that's a thing in the manga as well.

Marcoh just gives them an ominous warning about the research and throws them out. We get a similar thing where Ed says he knows he could have taken it, but he wants to do the right thing and not deprive the town of Marcoh's help. I dunno, this just feels token to me here. I liked how Ed admitted his younger self definitely would have taken the Stone in OG, and the fact that we directly see Marcoh helping the people makes Ed's decision feel more real. Show, don't tell.

Marcoh gives them directions to his library outright, and says he hopes not only that they'll figure out the truth but that they'll get their bodies back. Uh, so he hopes they'll use his research to kill a ton of people. Why. I also don't see why he can't just tell Ed everything now, when he's not under duress. This is like the worst of all possible worlds for this – not only does he have no reason to fear his research will be either destroyed or exploited and therefore no reason to tell anyone, he also has no reason to not spill all the beans if that's what he really wants.

Lust is waiting for Marcoh when he comes back. So I guess the torture's going to happen to him here too. How did she find him, though? I guess she was spying on Ed? Not like they were making a secret of it, so it wouldn't be hard.

Pinako calls Ed a "regular customer", so Ed probably did visit in this continuity.

There's a funny bit where Pinako says Ed's grown smaller. It's actually pretty good, I'm sad we didn't get it in OG.

Same bit with Winry hitting him with the wrench.

They show Winry the smashed automail and she freaks out. Slapstick where she punches Ed for wrecking it. She kicks Al too.

They explicitly show him attaching the spare, and there's a bit where he initially has trouble finding his balance. Nice detail.

No scene where Al convinces Ed to visit the grave, we just cut to him doing it.

The townspeople don't talk to Ed, just wave.

Pinako explains more about her relationship to the Elrics. Hoenheim was her drinking buddy, apparently.

Pinako tells Armstrong about Winry's parents' deaths and they commiserate over the evils of war.

This is where we learn the Elrics burned down their house. Pinako explains their reasoning, which I think is weaker than hearing it from their own mouths.

We get more shots of Winry working on the automail. Ed keeps harassing her and asking when it will be done.

Reattachment is only momentarily painful, and played for laughs.

Similar bit where Winry explains the new automail is weaker, but it's cut off. She just says she added more chrome to prevent rusting, nothing about the growth-stunting and all that.

Al's repair is a lot choppier.

They reuse the animation of Pinako blowing smoke a lot.

The brothers don't spar with Armstrong.

Winry reflects on how awful it is someone as young as Ed will be a weapon in the military.

Nothing about the watch.

Conclusion

I actually like the second half of the Brotherhood episode! The pacing feels fine, for once. Spending a whole episode on the Rockbell interlude maybe was a bit too much. OG could have easily merged 16 and 17 and probably come out the better for it. We miss out on a few things, but we gain a few other things too, and Brotherhood's additional comedy and lightheartedness is, for once, totally at home with this breather sequence. I feel like they're both viable alternatives with their own strengths, rather than any one being definitively better.

But the Marcoh side of things is absolutely awful. OG actually engaged with the horror implied by Marcoh being so desperate not to return. Marcoh was fully integrated into the narrative, not just a convenient plot device to be stumbled across. It took its own premise seriously. Brotherhood did not.

What I take away from this is that Brotherhood is perfectly capable of making a good breather episode when it wants to, and is maybe even better at it than OG, but it doesn’t understand how to do serious plots at all. It's really a shame it doesn't seem to understand where its strengths lie, and keeps rushing through the breather sections to spend more time on action. It's honestly kind of sad, like it doesn't trust its audience to stick with it through slow bits. Although, given that's the most common complaint about OG, perhaps it's justified.

[malvoliowithin]

Anne Neville and George?

Anne Neville:

Headcanon A:  realistic 

She’s very devout and prays for everyone, even her enemies and the people who make her life difficult. It’s hard, but she tries not to hold on to bitterness. She doesn’t think it does the world much good.

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

She likes to leave notes for Richard with insults on them, lest he forget during the day how much he sucks. He returns them in kind.

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

She knew Richard was going to kill her by the time he did, and she could have escaped, but by that point she didn’t want to. It was just too much of a risk, and for what? Having to start over with nothing, again? Throwing herself to the mercy of the unknown? Living life without her son? By then it was just pointless. 

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

In my AUWND she raises George and Isabel’s kids with them (it’s not quite an AUWND cause her son is still dead. Actually, heck, let’s have a version where he’s alive too and it’s really confusing as to which Edward they’re referring to ever.)

George of Clarence:

Headcanon A:  realistic

He likes to talk a big game about the glory of battle but actually hates it; he gets terrified before a fight and envies his brothers their bravery.

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

He will not stay in a room where he’s seen a spider. He’s slept in the hayloft before. Richard liked to inform him that there are probably hundreds of spiders in the hayloft alone.

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

He was in France when Edmund died, but he always felt guilty about that. He couldn’t have done anything, but still. It still played on his mind, that if he’d been there and if he’d known, maybe he could have warned Ed, or held Clifford off for a minute more, or something. Anything.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

Was unlikely friends with Henry VII. I mean, there was a lot of ‘if you try to steal my crown I’ll kill you’ on Henry’s part at first, but George never went for it, so they got on pretty well. 

[weliveourdream]

Hola everyone.

Today you’re finally going to hear all about two of the most special nights of my entire life – the two evenings/nights I got to see the one and only Edward Christopher Sheeran, my Ed, live. And yes, they were quite something and no, I’ll never forget them, ever.

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So, first of all, I need to say that Ed is seriously talented af and I still can’t believe that this really happened and that he’s a real human being. I mean, how can so much talent be trapped in such a small bean. That’s like so damn crazy. I was so in awe while watching him jump around the stage and sing and just to do his thing. And work with his guitar and his loop pedal. I mean, it’s so crazy that he literally produces the whole song live, right there in front of you, just with his voice, guitar and loop. So yes, the shows were freaking amazing. I sang and danced and laughed and cried and seriously had the best time of my life. I enjoyed every second to its fullest.

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Ed of course played all the hits, beginning the shows with Castle On The Hill, making everyone cry with Happier, making everyone dance with Sing and probably making everyone look pretty baffled with You Need Me I Don’t Need You, which he played last and which is still one of his coolest songs ever. That guy can rap, oh yes, he can. But apart from all of his amazing songs, there was one special song, one particular moment, that turned the show into something else for me. The best moment for me was when he started playing Tenerife Sea and I, obviously knowing the song from the very first beat to the very last note, started to cry because I was so in shock and so in love. I couldn’t help myself, I couldn’t even relax until it was over. I mean, I felt like I was dreaming. After watching the live version over and over and over again on YouTube and dreaming about hearing it live once but never quite believing it, because it’s such a rarity, I really got to hear it, live, in person, sung by the only guy I ever wanted to hear it from. I’m still so in shock. And oh my god, it was so damn beautiful. On the second night I got to relax a bit more and fully let myself fall into it and holy moly, if I could cuddle myself into it like it was a blanket, I’d never leave the place again, no joke. And it was just so damn special, even more so because Ed told everyone to be quiet and they actually went quiet and all you could hear was him and his voice. And honestly, that’s all I needed at that moment, because if someone can fill up a whole stadium, it’s Ed.

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Apart from that I loved that Ed was so talkative. I mean, he always likes good chat during his shows, I know that, but this time he was just so funny and cute and a bit cheeky, to be honest. At the very beginning he chatted a bit about his own manners while attending a concert and it was so damn hilarious, I loved it so much. I mean, he joked about himself dancing a bit weirdly and he even made fun about his appearance on Game Of Thrones. And all of that just made him even cuter and just so so so likable. I think it made everyone admire him even more. And god, I was laughing so hard, I was actually doubling over. The whole stadium was filled with laughter.

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And yeah, I just enjoyed being there so freaking much. Sharing the space with Ed after waiting for over a year and then actually being there. This is also why I was so glad and thankful that I chose to attend both concerts, because they were both so different. The first night was like the exciting, super emotional party where I was just so damn happy to be there. I was hyped up to the fullest, basically. And on the second night I got to really really enjoy it, because I knew what would happen. You know, the first over-the-top excitement wasn’t that strong anymore and I could relax and really focus on all the little details and let myself fall. I noticed so many things, like Ed’s tattoos and the way he handles his guitar. Suddenly it all became visible, it was there. And Ed was there and I was there and it all just made me so so happy. I’m just really so thankful that I got experience those two special nights. I’m still so in awe and I really can’t wait to see Ed again, although I already know that it will be quite the wait. If I could attend his concerts every day, I probably would. And maybe spice it up with some of Marty shows.

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So yeah guys, that happened last week and I still can’t fully believe it. God, I’m so happy. if any of you have been to his concerts too, please don’t hesitate to leave your thoughts down below. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Did I mention that I actually lost my voice after the second show? Like, it was gone, seriously. Which was the very first time that ever happened to me, but I guess it just meant that I completed the mission Ed gave us all, which was to sing as long and loudly as we could until we would loose our voices. So yeah, been there, done that.

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The crazy thing is, since Martys show at the end of July I’ve been basically living in my concert universe. Because after that one I got to see Ed twice and since then I’ve been to Sziget festival and today I’m actually attending a Justin Timberlake concert, which I’m ready so excited for. JT is truly one of those artists that I always wanted to see live. I mean, he’s JT, you just have to see him live once to experience it all. It’s a must. And I’m so glad I finally get to see it all live. Of course I’ll tell you guys all about it – Sziget, Budapest, JT and everything else. And until then I hope you enjoyed this post about my two nights with Ed. And yeah, as always, I hope you’re all doing good and wish you an awesome weekend. And, of course, thanks for reading. x

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Dreamy Nights Hola everyone. Today you're finally going to hear all about two of the most special nights of my entire life - the two evenings/nights I got to see the one and only Edward Christopher Sheeran, my Ed, live.

[hoynovoy]

'Younger's Best Author Parodies, From Quinn Tyler To Edward L.L. Moore

New York media has been the backdrop for what feels like millions of TV shows about women chasing their dreams. But so few get it right. (I’ll never forget the series in which a magazine editor berates a writer, “You didn’t even leave space in this story for ads!” Which, for the uninitiated, is something an editor would never be concerned with.) But despite Younger’s outlandish premise — a rom-com about a 40-year-old woman passing for 26 — it’s become perhaps the most authentic show ever about the world of book publishing. Through seven seasons, it’s delivered plots that lived and died by the peculiar inner workings of publishing — and managed to make dishy twists out of inside-baseball stuff like bulk sales and imprint/parent company dynamics. Don’t tell anyone who worked on my own novel, but the jargon I tossed off in conversation? Hilary Duff taught me all of it.

The best part of Younger’s evolution into an industry love letter is its prescient author characters, who always feel ripped from the splashiest book world conversations. See: this season’s Greta Thunberg dupe, played to yellow-slickered perfection by Nadia Alexander. “She has our favorite name from Season 7,” writer and executive producer Dottie Zicklin tells Bustle. “Füpa Grünhoff. Her name wouldn’t clear [with the show’s lawyers] until the umlauts were added!”

Füpa is just the latest in the show’s list of standout faux scribes, whose spot-on plotlines were in part the work of the show’s anonymous publishing consultant, who helped guide the staff on the industry’s trends and conversations. We still can’t reveal his or her identity, but we did get to talk to the consultant — along with Younger creator Darren Star, Dottie Zicklin, and fellow executive producer and writer Eric Zicklin — to get the stories behind how the show’s most iconic fake authors came to life.

Season 1: Jane Krakowski as Annabelle Bancroft

Bancroft, played with nightmare-diva energy by the 30 Rock star, was based on Sex and the City author Candace Bushnell. Star famously made the series based on that book, so an homage to Bushnell — in the form of Bancroft’s iconic scenester who spends her book launch party smoking indoors and fixating on the size of the crowd — felt like a safe place to start testing author parodies. “I thought Jane was hilarious playing [a version] of my friend Candace,” Star says. “She really made me laugh.” Writer and executive producer Eric Zicklin adds: “We loved her double-bounce off the glass door most of all.” (Bancroft runs into the door while chasing her coke dealer. Twice.)

Season 2: Kobi Libii as Rob Olive

This caricature of John Green — complete with a soulful leather necklace — hit just as I realized I was reading books about dying teen lovers almost exclusively. Libii is perfectly troubled and self-serious as the bestseller workshopping a Fault in Our Stars-style YA romance with Hilary Duff’s Kelsey at lunch. (Ever the brilliant brainstormer, it’s Kelsey who comes up with the idea for a hospice prom.) “We learned the term ‘sick lit,’ and the genre seemed natural for Millennial Press’ readers,” Dottie Zicklin says. “Trying to say John Green” — aka the author of Fault — “without using the words ‘John’ or ‘Green’ led to a great name.” Long live Rob Olive.

Season 2: Justine Lupe as Jade Winslow

With Lupe’s flaky influencer character, Younger dipped into the hazards of traditional publishing chasing Instagram sensations — Winslow gets a huge memoir advance, then fails to deliver a single page of work. (Liza has to cobble together a draft from the girl’s Instagram captions.) “The younger Younger writers brought up Cat Marnell as inspiration,” Eric Zicklin says. Marnell, a former beauty editor and socialite, wrote the smash 2017 memoir How to Murder Your Lifeabout her drug addiction and magazine-world adventures. “That story led Kelsey and Liza into learning about the balance between hype and substance.”

Season 2: Richard Masur as Edward L.L. Moore

Between his aggressive rascalling around the office and his misogyny, the show’s George R.R. Martin homage became its best work in terms of authentic publishing tension holding up plotlines. Martin’s Crown of Kings fantasy series is key to Empirical staying afloat, so he gets away with — well, not murder, but making Liza wear a fur bikini in Times Square might actually be worse? It takes Empirical far too long to do the right thing and drop the author. (Right around the time Moore debuted on the show, publishing was scrambling to reckon with its own legacy of harassment.) And when they do, Moore strikes back, outing Liza as the 40-something she is. The writers didn’t know when they started writing the character’s arc that he would unpin the show’s central secret. “We had no idea how instrumental he would become in exposing Liza,” Star says. “But Richard Masur was so hilarious that I wanted to bring him back and back and back.”

Season 3: Jay Wilkison as Colin McNichol

Remember the guy who asked Kelsey at the end of their first date to take a look at his novel? Or did you try to forget you ever heard the chilling invitation, “Come on in, I’ll print you out a copy”? Ah, the perils of being a single girl presiding over New York’s hottest imprint. Kelsey actually dates Colin for a while anyway — his 600-page epic turns out to be good, by her measure — but it doesn’t stop the character from feeling It-Boy insufferable all the way through his arc. (Which includes Netflix jumping on the option for his book, naturally.) As for the trend that inspired Colin? The big-money debut epic that seemed to dominate publishing years ago — see books that scored massive paydays like The Art of Fielding or City on Fire — has subsided somewhat. But Younger’s publishing consultant says it’s never really gone. “I think there was a moment where books like that were happening more often, but it could still happen,” the consultant says. “Everyone knows attention spans are shrinking, but people still want to find that ‘It Book’ of the year.”

Season 4: Kristin Chenoweth as Marylynne Keller

Younger’s first episode in the post-Trump era featured Chenoweth as a Kellyanne Conway sendup who declares the world post-facts and claims that “Truth is a four-letter word.” (When Charles corrects her math, saying truth has five letters, she purrs: “Not the way I spell it.”) One trillion bonus points to costume design for the jacket that mirrors Conway’s inauguration outfit. “Not to say the show was ahead of the culture,” Dottie Zicklin jokes, “but when the national conversation became about Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer cajoling the truth, we felt like we were already on that topic. Liza was living it from episode one.”

Season 5: Gina Gershon as Chrissie Hart

If you had Patti Smith’s Just Kids and Chrissie Hynde’s Reckless on your rockstar memoir shelf, you were so ready for this plotline starring Gershon in heavy bangs and week-old eyeliner. She plays Chrissie Hart, a famous singer whose memoir Charles and Liza chase to Shelter Island. (Obviously, Chrissie Hart doesn’t email drafts, because the internet is suspect.) The head of a major publisher personally retrieving a manuscript, messenger-style? Zany but plausible, the show’s consultant confirms. “If anyone’s ever worked on celebrity books, they are their own beasts — totally fun and awful and amazing,” the consultant says. “You know what you’re in for, and yet we can’t help ourselves because they sell and they’re glamorous to work on.”

Season 6: Willa Fitzgerald as Audrey Colbert

Fitzgerald, um, kills it in this tribute to wink-wink-did-I-murder-someone-or-not books. Her character goes around shopping a memoir meant to refute her villain status on a Serial-like podcast; she’s chaperoned by Michael Urie’s Redmond. (The only lit agent in New York, according to Younger, but would I want Urie sharing screen time? I would not.) Fitzgerald’s dead-eyed smize is what gives this character her hall of fame status. As Dottie Zicklin says, “Willa was able to give that staredown that says ‘beware’ and ‘I might have sex with you right now.’” Eventually, though, a press outcry kills the project — totally realistic, according to the show’s consultant. “If you are dealing with someone who the public believes to be guilty, or unworthy of a book deal, that can bring a major backlash,” the consultant says. “See Jonathan Mattingly or Josh Hawley — and, years ago, O.J. Simpson.” Yeah, remember If I Did It? Unlike Beaufort Books, the shop behind that one, Empirical eventually declined to publish Colbert’s book.

Season 6-7: Laura Benanti as Quinn Tyler

Quinn is the one Younger author who’s transcended cameo status. Once a Sheryl Sandberg parody in a wiggle dress, she’s become a prolonged meditation on the subject of women doing it all. “To us, the key to Quinn was understanding that she’s just as smart and successful and impulsive, and just as tone-deaf, as any male billionaire,” Eric Zicklin says. This season, Quinn becomes much more than a villain with an endless font of ice-queen comebacks — proof that Younger is well versed in publishing’s golden rule: Never judge a book by its cover.

Get More Dating Advice Here

[wazafam]

Warning: spoilers for Planet of the Symbiotes #2 are ahead. 

Godzilla and King Kong are some of the most iconic monsters in fiction, and their influence extended to Marvel Comics' American Kaiju in the King in Black storyline. In Planet of the Symbiotes #2, Marvel's version of Godzilla, American Kaiju, faced off against Knull's hordes of Grendel dragons in an epic showdown on par with King Kong and Godzilla. The issue was written by Marc Bernardin, with art by Kyle Hotz, colors by Rachelle Rosenberg, and letters by VC's Cory Petit. Not surprisingly, there were a couple nods to Kong and Godzilla in the issue that helped enrich a story surrounding one of Marvel's most under-appreciated characters.

American Kaiju teeters the line of parody, with everything from his backstory as a United States Army corporal named Todd Ziller (which sounds an awful lot like "Godzilla), to the American flag emblazoned on his chest, to his "YUUUUUU ESSSSSSS AYYYYY" battle cry. Given the amount of Marvel characters who represent some aspect about their country of origin, American Kaiju fits right in as a particularly dramatic expression of militaristic American patriotism.

Related: American Kaiju: The Captain America (Who Became Godzilla) Explained

As a character, American Kaiju is an homage to the Japanese kaiju, or giant monster, genre that has proliferated in film and comics for many decades. The first Godzilla film was released in 1954, and told the story of a giant lizard monster from the ocean who was awakened when the use of nuclear weapons during World War II disturbed his habitat. While Godzilla's significance can be interpreted in a number of ways, he can also be seen as the environment's response to the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki the decade before. All of this makes American Kaiju a meta-commentary on the kaiju genre itself.

Likewise, King Kong debuted in 1933 with his own self-titled feature film about a giant gorilla on the loose in the remote Skull Island. While Kong was a Hollywood invention, he was incorporated into Japanese Godzilla films in the 1960s, becoming a mainstay of the kaiju genre. Subsequent reboots of both Kong and Godzilla films within the past twenty-five years have indicated that the genre is alive and well in the minds of fans.

The progression of American Kaiju's fight against the symbiote dragons mirrored two key moments from Godzilla and King Kong media. The first is a reference to the 2014 Godzilla film, directed by Gareth Edwards. Towards the film's final act, a team led by Ford (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) parachutes down to San Francisco to recover a nuclear warhead that had been taken by a group of MUTOs (Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organism). This HALO jump scene is one of the most riveting parts of the film, as the camera follows from the perspective of the parachuters as they free fall past Godzilla himself.

Related: The Godzilla In Hell Comic Series Delivers On Its Epic Promise

In Planet of the Symbiotes #2, a parachuter falls in and lands on American Kaiju's back. And while she is there in order to administer Ziller an anti-serum to transform him back into human form, her presence harkens back to Edwards' film. Using the parachuter helps lend a sense of scale to American Kaiju as a character, which is then contrasted with Todd Ziller's normal human body after the anti-serum has taken effect.

Another Godzilla reference comes from a now frequently parodied scene from King Kong vs Godzilla (1962). Directed by Ishiro Honda, Kong and Godzilla were in the middle of a fight when the giant gorilla grabbed a tree and shoved it down Godzilla's throat like a piece of broccoli. Godzilla then lit the tree on fire with his breath and shot it back at Kong. In Planet of the Symbiotes #2, the fight doesn't have such a benign ending. Facing off against a two-headed symbiote dragon (perhaps in reference to 1964's Ghidorah, The Three-Headed Monster), American Kaiju took a spire from an amusement park ride and stabbed the dragon down the throat with it, killing his foe.

Related: Batman Once Fought Against The Universal Monsters

While the original Kong and Godzilla scene seems campy almost sixty years later, Planet of the Symbiotes has a more gruesome take on the same gesture that is fit for The King in Black. Considering the horrible ways that Marvel's heroes have died in the story thus far, the use of such a humorously bloodless reference hilariously contrasts with the violence depicted in the issue. The King in Black has been an emotionally strenuous journey, but it has not been without its moment so of humor.

The references in Planet of the Symbiotes #2 to these moments in Godzilla and Kong lore show how referential monster media often is. Every culture on Earth has its own monsters, and they have been used throughout the course of history to provide a level of consequence to human activity. Monsters have endured for so long because humans have always been both fascinated and terrified by beings they cannot control. The idea that readers can recognize these pieces from earlier Godzilla stories speaks to how frequently monster media is consumed, and how it forms a larger narrative tapestry that exists within the minds of cinema-goers and comic book fans today.

This is why American Kaiju has such a distinct parody angle, because he takes full advantage of the reader's existing monster knowledge. As a character, he only exists in relation to Godzilla, down to the fact that his private identity is the phonetic doppelganger, "Todd Ziller." The idea that the United States military willingly created a creature such as American Kaiju is hilarious, since so much of the Godzilla franchise is a cautionary tale against the use of overly powerful weapons. The references in Planet of the Symbiotes #2 thus call attention to this dynamic, exposing the contradictions that American Kaiju poses as not only a government-sponsored project, but also as a Marvel hero. Either way, the lessons he has taken from King Kong and Godzilla places him in a long line of fascinating giant monsters.

Next: Epic Godzilla Wheelchair Makes For An Awesome Kaiju Cosplay

The Iconic Kong and Godzilla Moments Marvel Parodies in King in Black from https://ift.tt/385WKwS

[babevogue]

Shows that made my 2017 better

So last year I made a list of shows that made my year better. Now I will say that 2016 was a FAR WORSE year than 2017 was for me. In 2016 I had academic pressure than was awful and I started a new school and all my friends ended up in different classes than me together, so that was fun. But then came 2017 and was all around just AWSOME and along with that awesome-ness came some amazing shows. Last year I just made a bullet list, but I thought that this year I should make some mini reviews, so here I go:

Fist off, my 2017 was dominated by animated shows/anime, so my eyes have really been opened to this amazing artform this year. HERE I GO:

 My hero Academia/Boku no hero Academia

What an awesome show. I watched this in November/December and I love the premise, characters and plot. It has really breathed some life into the superhero genre and is an all-together fun look at what it would be like if everyone in the world had different super-powers. It has stunning animation and the manga is also super-cool and goes in a great direction. Both the anime and manga is super-recommended.

 Favorite character(s): I love Todoroki, he is awesome (and I’m a slut for angsty backstory so…). Deku is great. Actually, can I just write every character here? except Mineta, fuck Mineta!

 Greatest qualities about the show: The character dynamics! The way the characters interact with each other is immaculate and they just fit together great. I also really like how each arc is structured and paced.

 Negatives: The girls are sometimes a little bit passive for my liking, and if there was an arc with Mineta dying I would not be mad.

Bojack Horseman

I binged this show and fell in love. What might just appear as just a wacky adult cartoon at first glance (and first couple of episodes) is actually a deep depiction of many modern-day topics and problematics such as depression, alcoholism, drug-use, sexuality, sex work, feminism, politics and of course life in Hollywoo(d). The human-like animals might be jarring at first, but it uses the character designs to its advantage with hilarious animal-puns and situations alongside making the show more lighthearted despite the shows heavy subject-matter.

 The show is about the horse Bojack who was a famous sitcom star in the `90s and his slump of a life post sitcom star life and his journey back to stardom. The blend between humor and chilling, haunting realism is amazing to watch unfold alongside clever and real character development that is beautiful to watch. Ironically the most aesthetically absurd looking show on this list has the most realistic story. Great social commentary disguised as a comedy.

 Favorite character(s): Everyone is flawed in Bojack Horseman, but the most interesting characters in this show for me are Bojack and Diane. So, I would say Diane is my favorite to observe.

 Greatest qualities about the show: The way it discusses social issues. Its stunning and thought-provoking.

 Negatives: It’s a little bit slow and odd in the beginning and some might find it a little too sad.

Rick and Morty

I discovered this show around Easter time and WOW! No show like any other on this list handles surrealism and absurdist comedy, parody and satire quite like Rick and Morty. The show about the scientist Rick and his grandson (with his grand-daughter Summer joining inn somtimes) Morty going on wacky space adventures. Ricks dick-ish nature contrasts Morty’s wide-eyed curiosity turned cynicism perfectly. The show has fun world building, alongside a great blend between one-off adventures and overarching plot. Visually the show is both stunning and disgusting making it an interesting aesthetic journey for the viewer. Funny, crazy and surprisingly deep at times. And btw watching Rick and Morty does not make you smarter nor require you to be a super-intellectual.

 Favorite character(s): Morty is always delightful.

 Greatest qualities about the show: Its really funny and has really great world building/concepts within the show.

 Negatives: It sometimes boards on a little to gross and has some growing pain in the start.

 This is kind of a shout-out to a second season of show from last year’s list so:

Stranger Things 2

Such a good “sequel”. I enjoyed every moment of the show (even the controversial Chicago episode). The characters developed, the plot developed, the new characters were amazing and tone and aesthetic from the first season was carefully preserved and used immaculately. The 80`s reference game was just as strong. For anyone who has lived under a rock the last year and a half the show (first season at least) is about the mysterious disappearance of middle-schooler Will Beyers. The year is 1983, location Hawkings, Indiana.

 Favorite character(s): Steve Harrington deserves the world in season 2. I also really like Mike.

 Greatest qualities about the show: Addicting story. SO BEAUTIFULLY SHOT! Amazing acting from everyone.

 Negatives: Ok, I lied the Chicago episodes stagnated the plot to some extent. I just don’t hate the episode as much as everyone else.

 And last but CERTANTLY not least:

 Ok so I’m cheating on this one I watched this show in January but I watched the first episode in December so I’m including it and also I’m so in love and I wanted to include it here rather than next year’s list because I want it fresh in my mind.

 Fullmetal Alchemist/Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

 So, this entry is technically 2 shows. One was created in 2003 based on a manga by the same name but diverges from the manga around the half-way point because it ran out of material to adapt and goes in its own direction. The other is from 2009 and is a straight adaption of the manga. This creates 2 shows with the same central characters, plot and starting points that diverges GREATLY from each other and they are both amazing!

 The plot goes like this; In a world where alchemy developed, you cannot create something with alchemy without having the materials that equals to what you want to make. Example: if you want to create a radio you need all the materials that make up that radio to create it. This is known as equivalent exchange and it cannot be broken.

 When the young brothers Edward and Alfonse Elric’s mother dies they try bring her back using alchemy. In the process Edward loses and arm and a leg while Alfonse loses his entire body and is only left with his soul which is now bonded to suit of armor. The brothers must seek out a way to find a way to get their bodies back.

 IT IS AMAZING! Both versions are amazing, but I slightly prefer the 2009 version also known as Brotherhood. It explores dark and philosophical themes and questions such as mass genocide, the life of the military, PTSD, fascism, war, politics, what is god/playing god, what is the price of a soul is, loss and most importantly daddy-issues.

 There is no end to how much this series deserves praise (mostly referring to Brotherhood here). From the way its gorgeously animated, to the pacing, the way it handles it subject matter and issues and has relatable characters. The character development is perfect, and the plot never meanders or goes into dead ends and concludes beautifully. Even the attention to details is impressive with examples such as the way it shows the characters physically aging and demonstrating where in timeline the scene takes place with subtle hair changes. Fullmetal Alchemist (brotherhood) is like watching someone pouring all the puzzle-pieces out on the table and watching someone cleverly and creatively putting them together, thus creating a magnificent art-piece in the in the process. I would also like to mention one of the most amazing aspects of both versions being the way female characters actions, traits, part in the plot, abilities and dialogue are some of the best female writing I have ever seen. Ironically enough in a work marked towards teenage boys.

Favorite character(s): Fullmetal Alchemist is the kind of show that I like to call having “parks and rec”-syndrome, where genually love everyone, however If I have to pick I might say Winry. I absolutly lover her and I think she is a great role model, hillarious and greatly written. 

Greatest qualities about the show: The way it deals with its subject-matter. And also everything else about the show, but especially that. 

Negatives: Nothing about the show, just a little girl and her dog that im a little tierd being meme-ed to death on reddit but also kinda laugh so im a little bit conflicted, but there is no negatives that I can think of. 

That was it, bye-bye 2017, I watched some fine televison in your year, and I hope to find some just as good in 2018. 

[falconlord5]

Dracula (1931) Analysis, Part 6

A heatwave moved right into town last week/she came from the island of Martinique/the can can she dances will make you fry/the can can is really the reason why/we're having a heat wave/a tropical heatwave/the temperature's rising/it isn't surprising...

Okay, that had nothing to do with Dracula (1931) or Dr. Abraham van Helsing. It does, however, have everything to do with the fact that it's finally hot enough to continue writing in this Godzilla-forsaken place!

So join me under the cut for the most famous doctor in all of vampire-dom!

Dr. Abraham van Helsing

If there's one character, aside from Drac himself, who has really broken out amongst the general audience it's Dr. Abraham van Helsing. Though, admittedly, he does tend to get the same kinds of weird interpretations that the rest of the cast get, too.

Why is this funny Dutch doctor so popular? Is it because he's the Funny Foreigner played straight? Is it because he's an eccentric, kooky mentor in the lines of other breakout characters like Albus Dumbledore, Yoda, and Gandalf? Is it because of his implied history, with the locked up wife and earlier conflicts with the bloodsucking undead?

It's probably a combination of all of those things. And, I'll argue, this movie had a great deal to do with the good doctor's on-going popularity.

We're first introduced to the good doctor in a scene that is oddly prescient to his introduction in Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992). In that film, van Helsing is introduced showing off to his students at a university class, displaying both his scientific acumen (although his description of syphilis and history is inaccurate), his eccentricities, the love his students have for him and his willingness to just abandon ship to aid another form student in the form of Jack Seward.

In Dracula (1931), Van Helsing's introduction is different, much more subdued, but no less effective. His very first lines are 'read, dummkopf, where I have marked.' And again, we instantly have this version of Van Helsing's character: tough, rude, foreign. That he says this just after looking up from a microscope establishes his scientific credentials. The passage that our unfortunate dummkopf reads gives us van Helsing's vampire hunting expertise. And the respect, nay, awe that the other doctors at the sanitorium have when talking to van Helsing, even when they're questioning him, shows us just how brilliant the good doctor is. Sort of like the insane list of titles after his name in the book (which is honestly impossible; dude has like fourteen doctorates!), but in visual and audio form.

I have a confession to make: this, along with Anthony Hopkins' version of the character in Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992) is my favourite adaptations of the character. While Anthony Hopkins' version captures the character's funnier aspects, like his weird sense of humour and general excitability, Edward Van Sloan (who, incidentally, actually is Dutch) gives van Helsing a much tougher edge. This is an experienced doctor, one who has dealt for too long with human stupidity and death, and is heavily implied to have fought vampires off before. It's a different take, and one that I don't find matches up all that well with literary!van Helsing, but I still think it's fantastic.

And a lot of that is due to Edward van Sloan's acting. Edward makes van Helsing almost as menacing as Drac himself, flipping between blunt rudeness and icy, obviously fake politeness. There's his physical acting, too, with his stiff hands lending a sort of creepiness to his gesticulations.

And then, most importantly, there are his scenes with Bela Lugosi's Dracula. Mel Brooks, by the way, does a hilarious send-up of this; where both he (Brooks) and Dracula (played by Canadian Leslie Nielson) constantly try to get in the last word.

And honestly? It's not that far from what goes on in this film. van Helsing and Dracula are constantly trying to one-up the other. From van Helsing's tricks (like the mirrored music box) to try and out Dracula, to Dracula flat out hypnotising (!) van Helsing. Fortunately for our heroes, van Helsing manages to shake Drac off.

But it's this really intense game of one-upmanship, powered by respectful, frozen malice. Drac, you can tell, respects and even admires van Helsing. At least as much as an inhuman monster can. Van Helsing, on the other, very clearly does not return the sentiment. Dracula, insofar as van Helsing is concerned, is nothing more than a dangerous pest to be eradicated. Van Helsing is respectful because he comes from that same old school world of absolute politeness and noblesse oblige, but not because he gives one shit about Dracula. And that really comes across in Edward van Sloan's acting: he's condescending as he confronts Dracula, lecturing the old monster on just how he'll beat him. It needs to be seen to be really understood, but trust me: the scenes between van Helsing and Drac are, hands down, the best in the movie.

That's it for today, folks. I hope to see you tomorrow!