#this was of course about feeling that people were grocery shopping too much during the pandemic beginning

[maddie-grove]

I wish more people could wrap their heads around “labor rights and a strong social safety net are important not just to the very poor, both on principle and because weakening those things means that more people end up in poverty” and “people at different socioeconomic levels have different experiences even if you disregard the very rich, and people can be viciously classist even if they don’t have all that much money themselves.” Also, if there could be a moratorium on “if you were really poor, you wouldn’t have/do [thing that varies a lot in expense depending on a million different factors].”

[yournightmary]

i need bsf!ellie whos secretly inlove with reader.. maybe even childhood bestfriend!ellie RAAAA i will preach the friends to lovers agenda till i die!

Bsf!Ellie HCs

content warning:: fem!reader, jealous!Ellie maybe?, modern!AU, mentions of drinking and smoking

AN:: Friends to lovers is so underrated.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ She’s the type of friend to jokingly call you her wife/girlfriend. Probably has your contact saved as ‘my wife💍’ or something similar.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ She’s always very cuddly and clingy. Cuddles you to sleep during sleepovers… that’s just what good friends do, right?

⇢ ˗ˏˋ She was such a loser when she was younger oh my gooddd. Her first kiss was you when you both decided to ‘practice’ kissing as friends. Totally did not feel butterflies in her stomach and her heart didn’t ache, what are you taking about?

⇢ ˗ˏˋ I can see her not really knowing that she was in love with you, you know what I mean? Like, she’d think that you’re just her platonic soulmate- that’s why she feels the best when she’s around you… and why she gets jealous whenever you start getting along with other people.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ Made the mistake of being jokingly flirty at first and then you mistook each and every one of her attempts as just her being her usual silly self.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ Buys you valentines gifts and says that that’s just what best friends do.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ Definitely the type of person to force herself to date someone just so she could take her mind off of you. She couldn’t.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ Maybe like a cat and mouse sort of situation. Like you’d get into a relationship with someone so she’d start looking too, but then once she gets into a relationship you’d break up yours. Am I making sense?

⇢ ˗ˏˋ Probably did some stupid shit just to impress you when you were younger. Always ended up with bruises and tons of scratches, maybe even detention or getting grounded.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ Jokes about you guys getting married if you don’t find anyone before turning 30. Then gets happy like an idiot when you agree.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ Slept over at your place so much when you were younger that your parents started giving her chores and inviting her to family vacations. When you got older it turned into her having her own drawer of clothes and helping you out with every single task you do. Going grocery shopping? She’ll tag along. You have to fill out some important paperwork somewhere? Yeah, she can come with you.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ I have a teeny tiny feeling that’s she’d try to sabotage your dates. You’d be at a restaurant with this new person you met and she’d call all panicked and upset about something, saying how you need to come see her right now. And you’re her best friend, so of course you’re muttering apologies to your date and leaving immediately.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ Most of the people that aren’t your friends think you’re dating. Then when you tell them you’re just friends they’re like ‘righhhhttt…’ (no one believes it)

⇢ ˗ˏˋ In high school she told people you already have a prom date (you didn’t) just so they wouldn’t ask you. Then she’d swoop in and say that you should go as friends, since you both didn’t have a date.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ She’d compare herself to all the people you’ve dated all the time. And if you’ve never been in a relationship she’d do the same with your crushes, celebrity or not.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ Loves to have multiple days sleepovers because it kind of feels like you’re a happy couple living together.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ FOR SURE would read articles like ‘How to tell if your best friend is in love with you’ when she was younger. Sprinkle in some ‘How to tell if someone’s gay’ if you’re feeling like it.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ Asked you to fake date in early high school because ‘some guy kept bothering her’ (he did not wtf)

⇢ ˗ˏˋ You were with her every time she did something for the first time. When she got her first period, when she first drove a car, when she first smoked and drunk alcohol, when she had her first kiss… maybe even more. That’s what best friends are for, am I right?

⇢ ˗ˏˋ She’d say she likes someone and when you asked about it she’d do the whole ‘You know this person really well’ thing OH MY GODDD.

I love women

[thisismeracing]

husband! mick hcs PLEASEE

husband!mick headcanon

warnings: tooth-rotting fluff; not proofread; mentions of pregnancy; mentions of sex; minors DNI!

Wears his wedding band PROUDLY! This man will make sure people see he has a ring on his finger and he will most likely find reasons to mention you, it doesn’t matter when. Talking about a traditional dish during race week? “oh my wife loves this!”. The weather? “my wife loves when it's sunny like this”. The flight? “my wife always gets sick in airplanes, but she loves flying anyway”. He will mention you and he will point out the fact that you're his WIFE because he just loves you so much and he loves the life you have together and the idea that you’re his wife, he takes this seriously;

Loves to cook you breakfast though he’s not that good at it, sometimes will burn a thing or two, and often you will find him watching youtube videos to learn to cook something new for you guys;

Mick will try and build furniture whenever you get a new one;

Loves grocery shopping, just strolling around checking things from your list and choosing between which one sounds better/tastier. He thinks it's therapeutic and even goes by himself when you’re too busy with work.

He memorizes all the important dates. Mick never forgot an anniversary or even the birthday of a relative you mentioned;

Your family adores him and so does his with you, so it’s not uncommon to gather everyone every possible time. It’s always a nice crowd and there's just so much love;

Your relatives will ask about babies of course, to which Mick will share a look with you before smiling and saying “soon”;

It’s rare when you fight, but when you do oooh- Mick won’t go to bed angry. You promised each other that, and you were tempted to break it, but then he was at the door with tear-stained cheeks telling you he was sorry and that you would talk in the morning, but you were still his favorite girl and he loved you. You cried too, said sorry, and ended up talking it through before going to bed.

When you suggest getting a new dog so Angie had company, he loves the idea, and for a couple of months you guys keep hinting at each other comments that suggested yet another company for you and the dogs (a baby);

The baby-making season is WILD. Mick will have you whenever and wherever you let him. It goes as far as quickies in bathrooms during parties or gatherings, and right before he races. It's so good and thrilling that at some point you're just having lots of sex without the worry of coming inside and fertilizing;

It does not take long though, just a couple of months and boom you’re having all the pregnancy symptoms;

Husband!mick will get 100000x more careful with you, always making sure you are feeling ok and that you’re safe. He will ask the doctor if you can fly around with him for races and once you get the clear he won’t leave your side if he doesn't have to. And he dreads when he has to leave;

Just overall a sweetheart and does everything and anything for his family.

taglist: @sachaa-ff @ferrariloverr @kenanlotus0 @mellowpizzapuppy @mickslover @dalsuwaha @formulakay3 @mishaandthebrits @iloveyou3000morgan @crimeshowjunkie @fdl305 @carojasmin2204 @chaoticevilbakugo

[morverenmaybewrites]

Hiya! First of all your blog’s interface is so cute i’m rolling on the floorrrrrrr

Second of all your writing is absolutely amazing, i’ve just finished reading “the pizza delivery girl’s survival guide to gotham city” and lemme tell u i can’t wait for the next chapter cause absolute gold-

I wanted to ask what your thoughts are on Jason and day-to-day life outside of costume. Like, dude HAS to go outside as himself at least every once in a while, out of pure necessity. How do you think he goes on about it?

Aw, thank you, I'm glad you like my blog interface and my fic. I think it depends on how much he's progressed in processing his trauma, to be honest!

I imagine when he first moved back in Gotham, he avoided going out as much as possible, for a multitude of reasons. First, because he was still reeling emotionally from Bruce enacting project Knightfall (aka faking his own death), he was recovering from the injuries he sustained during the events of Arkham Knight (and of course, the injuries he got from the Joker). Most importantly, he is adjusting to living in a city he once hated enough to want to destroy.

I feel like those first few weeks were painful for him. Every place is filled memories, and while not all of them are bad memories, they often feel too painful to revisit. He likely spent most of his time cooped up in a safehouse (which was established as something he makes no effort to make comfortable), only going out when he absolutely had to. Interacting with the city and its people as little as possible. While I don't think the Joker ever meant him to survive his torture, the amount of scars and physical injuries he bears means that a lot of his interactions bring a lot of (misplaced) guilt and shame. Did that shopkeep spend too long looking at his face, his scar? Maybe he'll pass by some hole-in-the-wall shop and remember that he and Dick and Barbara would cool down there after patrols. The ramen, he'll think, is surprisingly good. The owner is a smiling, heavyset man who insists that they never pay for their meals. Maybe he'll even take a single step toward the shop, only to remember that the scars on his hands make it so it's hard to hold cutlery without shaking. That there are days when it's physically painful to eat. And he'll shake his head and walk away.

But I think the more he interacts with PG in the story and the more he fixes his relationship with his family, the more he'll be able to interact with Gotham City. Maybe going to the grocery won't be treated like a military supply run. Maybe he'll look up from his carefully-curated list and realize a type of candy Barbara used to be obsessed with is back in stock now. Maybe he'll put it in his cart, and for the first time in a while, he doesn't have to think about what he did to her as the Arkham Knight. One day, he'll wake up before his alarm and remember that you used to talk about watching the sun rise over Gotham Bay. He'll take a long walk along the shoreline and watch the way the sky turns into soft shades of pink and orange, and he'll be surprised at the realization that there are still beautiful things in Gotham. Maybe your face will flash in his mind, and he'll think that perhaps he shouldn't be so surprised, after all. Maybe one day, after a long night of patrol, he'll pass by the ramen shop again and this time, he decides to stay. The only thing that has changed is the owner, who's gained weight and a few gray hairs, but his smile is still the same. He'll bring Jason's order without asking, and he'll insist that he doesn't have to pay for it. Eating doesn't hurt as much as he feared. In fact, some days, he can move his hands without feeling pain. This is one of the good days. Maybe on that good day, he'll be surprised to find that the ramen is still good. That he can think of the days he used to stay here with his family after patrols, exchanging combat tips and juicy bits of gossip. And this time, he's able to smile.

[tokyo-daaaamn-ji-gang]

If it’s possible could you do headcanons of mochizuki kanji if it hasn’t been asked before please

Of course! Here they are!

Refuses to fight girls and actively tried to avoid Senju during fights they were both in.

When he's grocery shopping he normally gets asked by people to reach things on the higher shelves, he always gets them what they need.

Has an arm wrestling club with Draken and Pah in the good timeline

Corn is actually a comfort food for him, he ate it a lot growing up

Would love to have a dog (also has a fondness for cats)

He frequently steps into fights that he feels are unfair like a group teaming up on one person (as long as they're not a target for his gang).

When he gets bored he looks for someone to fight

Loves festivals, especially the games at them

As a partner he's incredibly gentle, carefully holding your hand and placing soft kisses on you. He's very aware of his strength and careful with it.

Similarly to Pah and Mikey, Izana once fell asleep on Mochi

Doesn't like that he isn't a fast runner (mainly because Shion and the Haitani brother's sometimes tease him over it)

He didn't like his life in bonten much, it wasn't what he thought it would be like

In the good timeline, after he joined toman and realised Angry was scared of him, he tried to be friendlier towards him (usually by bringing him a drink to meetings)

He's very good with the kids in the future timeline, they love climbing all over him and how happy he is to play with them.

Very good at ball sports 

Growing up, his father was a police officer who often wasn't home and worked overtime. His mother was always kind to him and they were very close but she died when he was a kid, he ran away after that. 

One time he managed to catch a balloon a kid accidentally let go off before it got too high, he felt like a hero that day.

Likes cooking and will often share recipes with Kakucho 

Is very bad at keeping surprises from his partner, he just gets so excited to share gifts with them or tell them about his plans. 

Frequently carries his friends home on nights out when they get too drunk (Rindou is the most common)

[thatgoblin]

If I'm There

Summary: You hadn't seen or spoken to him in over a year, but now you have to track down your ex-husband over unpaid parking tickets. It was supposed to be easy, but seeing him with his new partner made it anything but.

Soulmates AU, Simon/Johnny/Reader

Warnings: so much angst, past child death, alcoholism, divorce, heavy stuff, but happy ending.

A/N: I'm not completely pleased with it, I don't feel very strong with Simon and Johnny’s characters in this, but posting anyways. It's part of a series I had written a while ago, but it works as a one shot too. Song is 'If I'm There' by Bad Omens.

“Riley! I got a job for you!” 

I looked up from the paperwork I had been doing, bored out of my mind before stuffing it into the file it had come in. 

“Yes! Farah, love of my life, light of my heart, tell me it’s a good one,” I said, walking over to get a look from her. 

“Seems you’re on the hunt for a blast from your past,” the dark haired woman said, handing me a file. “12 unpaid parking tickets and has not shown up to court.” I opened the file, wanting to throw it away immediately, but seeing the large bounty on it, I kept it. It wasn’t often that amount was put out on people for nonviolent crimes and I wasn’t about to pass up something so easy. “Also a second one. 4 unpaid speeding tickets, 3 failure to signal tickets, and 1 ticket for having a pet off leash. . . An emu.” Farah handed me another file and the bounty was just as much. 

“And a partridge in a pear tree,” I said with a snort. “Merry Christmas to me.”

“It’s April,” Farah said evenly before turning back to the computer. 

“Well, it’ll feel like Christmas when I turn these two idiots in,” I said, taking their addresses to shove into my back pocket in case my first plan didn’t work. “With a nice bonus for you too.”

“Oh happy days,” Farah said dryly. 

“You know, you could be a bit more cheery about life,” I said, folding the legal paperwork I needed before putting it into my jacket pocket. 

“I could, but then we’d be friends and we can’t have that,” Farah said, not looking back.

“Of course, we wouldn’t want that,” I said, grabbing my phone from my desk. “Alright, I’m off. Hold down the fort and don’t set it on fire. Again.”

“I make no promises,” Farah said as I walked out the door. Walking over to my car, I pulled out my phone to dial a number I had deleted from my phone over a year ago. As I sat in the car, a little voice in the back of my head told me to ignore this job. That it was inviting chaos and discourse back into my life after I had struggled to get some sort of peace. I had to see him at some point and it was probably easier to do it this way rather than during an awkward grocery store run in. Tapping the numbers was second nature and I didn’t even hesitate on a single digit. I held the phone to my ear as I coached myself to stay cool.

“Hello?” A man’s voice came over the line. I hadn’t heard it in nearly a year, but it still sounded the same. “Hello?”

“Hey. . . It’s me,” I said, swallowing back every urge that wanted to throw the phone into the street and speed away. “I really need to talk to someone. Are you free right now?” There was a sigh then silence. I thought he’d hung up on me, but a jostling noise told me he was still there.

“Sure, where do you want to meet?” He asked, his tone flat.

“Joe’s Coffee Shop? Half an hour?” I asked. I felt a little bad about tricking him, but then again I had bills to pay and he clearly was already done with me. So I didn’t feel too bad. 

“Okay, see you there,” he said before hanging up. 

There are scars that'll never ever show themselves

You get when you're left alone too long in Hell

The drive to the coffee shop was short thankfully and I was able to get a good parking spot to wrangle my targets into it. Hereford had its ups and downs, but the ups were that it really wasn’t as big as everyone thought. My ex and I had lived there for most of our adult lives before we split. Going our separate ways had meant chaos and disarray at first, but then I got my current job after a few months and it was something I could throw myself into. 

We stayed in this area because while it was on the west coast, it was also a close knit community of sorts. People knew each other, local places were more abundant than chains, it just felt like back home. At Joe’s, I pulled up to park on the street before getting out of my black sedan. 

Joe’s Coffee Shop was a local favorite with an outdoor patio. It was April and a sunny day so there were lots of people there sunbathing while sipping on iced coffees. Going in, I ordered one myself before picking a spot outside. Lazily sipping my drink, I pulled out my phone to check the time. I was never patient and even when I was early and he was on time, it had always got on my nerves. 

“Hey.” 

I looked up to see him standing there with that blank look he always had. Mostly hidden by his black face mask. It was the same one I made him that had the lower half of a skull printed onto it. He always wore a balaclava with a similar print, but walking around with that got him into trouble a lot. So, I made a face mask for him. I had taken the time to learn to sew and make patterns when I was not a crafty person. Seeing him still wearing it, I was thrown off my game.

“Hey Simon,” I said, standing up. Did I hug him? Shake hands? High five? Regret was filling my stomach as he stood there. We’d divorced over a year ago and hadn’t talked to each other since, but now his stupid unpaid parking tickets brought him back into my life.

We were supposed to be soulmates. We had the marks that everyone was born with. Everyone had a soulmate, people even had more than one at a time. It was supposed to mean we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, like some magical fairy tale that adults tell children. 

If you found your soulmate you would feel more deeply, be more in tune with the other, have this special bond that no one else could have with you. Simon and I had had that bond. 

But then we didn’t. 

Things changed and we lost the bond or it broke or something and we couldn’t hack it. So, we divorced. I covered my mark on my hand with a small black bar tattoo, but Simon didn’t. I hated that he still had it. Just three simple arrows in a row on his forearm. We were meant to be together, so say the powers that be, but we proved them wrong. Life wasn’t a fairy tale. 

“Everythin’ okay?” He asked, sitting across from me, shaking me from my thoughts.

“Yeah, just. . . Got lost for a second,” I said, sitting down as well. 

“Are you seein’ that counselor still?” He asked. I nodded, taking a deep breath. I wasn’t there to catch up, I was there to collect a bounty. “Good,” he said.

“The reason I called you to talk in person is that I have a question,” I said, pulling out the legal paperwork. 

“About what?” Simon asked with a frown.

“12 unpaid parking tickets? You have 12 unpaid parking tickets?” I asked as I shook my head at him, holding up the warrant.

“What about them?” He asked, narrowing his eyes at the papers. “How do you know about that?” 

“Because you’ve got a warrant out for your arrest,” I said. “And I’m here to take you in.”

“Jesus,” Simon groaned, rolling his eyes as he shook his head. “You’re a bounty hunter now?”

“Yup. I was going to turn yours down, but the money was too good to give to someone else,” I said with a snort. Simon pinched his nose as he stayed sitting.

“This is a joke, isn’t it? It’s a really bad joke,” he said, looking at me. “Just tell me it’s a joke.”

“Not a joke,” I said, showing my badge and permit. “You never paid the tickets or showed up to court.” 

“Fuck me,” Simon hissed. 

“Everythin’ okay, Simon?” A Scottish brogue said.

I turned to see another man with a mohawk and the brightest blue eyes I’d ever seen walk over with a pair of coffees in hand. Wait a second. 

“Don’t tell me, you’re Johnny MacTavish?” I asked, looking up at him. 

“Uh, I am,” the man said, frowning as he looked at me.

“Oh wow, this has got to be the luckiest break ever!” I said, laughing as I stood up. 

“Simon?” Johnny said, frowning.

“Easiest job I’ve ever had,” I said, pulling out the handcuffs from my belt.

“You’re not actually goin’ to take me in,” Simon said, tilting his head to look up at me. “This is just a heads up, right?”

“Oh no. I’m for real arresting you both right now,” I said. “Unpaid parking tickets, jay walking and traffic tickets, no shows in court, and a fucking emu? This is truly an April Christmas miracle.” 

“I’m still confused, Simon?” Johnny said, looking at the other man. 

“Wait, how do you two know each other?” I asked, realizing they had shown up together.

“Johnny, this my ex-wife,” Simon said as he stood up. “And this is my boyfriend, Johnny.”

I did not expect to feel that pang in my chest hit so hard. Of course he moved on. Why wouldn’t he? He had been the more grounded of us after the dust settled. I had no right to feel jealous or hurt by it. If he hadn’t been in trouble then I would have had no idea anyways. 

“Wait, so she’s the one-” Johnny started.

“Yes, she is the one,” Simon nodded. “Now, when you’re done havin’ a laugh, I have to go. We have plans. Can’t believe after almost a year of not talkin’ and avoidin’ each other this is how you choose to show up again.”

“Oh, uh, it was nice to meet you,” Johnny said, tentatively holding out his hand for me to take after setting his drinks down. Fuck this. I slapped a cuff onto Johnny who cried out in confusion as I easily turned him to get his other hand. 

“I wasn’t kidding,” I grunted as I handled Johnny, directing him to my car.

“Are you fucking’ kiddin’ me right now!?” Simon snapped. 

“Like I said, I have arrest warrants for both of you. You’re lucky I even told you that,” I snapped back at him. Opening the car door, I put Johnny in the back before shutting the door. Simon didn’t seem to think it was going to go far, instead choosing to get on the phone with someone. 

“Yes, hello?” He said before I ripped his phone from him to hang up. “What the hell!?”

“Simon, just let me cuff you so we can get this over with and we can move on with our lives,” I said. 

“What is wrong with you? Normal ex’s don’t arrest each other,” he said, as I was able to get the cuffs on him just as easily.

“Yeah, well, we’re not normal ex’s,” I said with a sigh, putting the cuffs extra tight on his wrists. “Now shut up and get in the car.” Dragging him to the other side, I pushed him in next to Johnny before getting in myself. 

“Are we being kidnapped?” Johnny asked as I pulled out onto the road.

“You’ve both have warrants out for your arrest because you two dumbasses didn’t pay tickets on time or show up to court,” I said. “5 years we were together and you never learned to pay the damn tickets.”

“I was goin’ to pay them,” Simon said with a huff. “I’ve been busy.”

“Uh huh,” I said, rolling my eyes at him. Johnny seemed to just be in a constant state of confusion, but kept quiet at least. The drive to the police station was shorand usually if there was more than one to book I would have other people with me, but given that those two weren’t going to really give me trouble, I didn’t worry too much. With both of them in cuffs and compliant, I was able to get them booked easily enough. 

“Hey, Riley,” the officer at the desk, Roach, called as Simon and Johnny were being taken to be processed. I paused in my get away, ready to run as far and fast as I could.

They tried to keep in the secrets that you wouldn't tell

But they just stripped you for parts you had to sell

“Yeah?” I said, walking back over. I could see Simon staring at me hard from the cubicle he was in with Johnny that was just a couple of meters away. No doubt he heard the officer call me back over, still using his last name.

“Just need you to sign a few things for us,” Roach said. 

“Alright fine, but it better be quick, I got a lunch date with a Blood Mary,” I said with a huff. 

“You never changed your name,” Simon said, looking at me with a frown. 

“Uh… No, no I did not,” I said, keeping my eyes on the papers in front of me. 

“Why didn’t you change your name?” He asked.

“Because it’s a bitch to file paperwork and I’ve already been writing it for nearly 5 years. I made it a habit,” I said, glancing at him.

“No, no, you were filin’ for divorce before you even brought it up to me. You filed everythin’ before sayin’ a word,” Simon pushed. “Why didn’t you change your name?”

“I swear to god, Simon,” I hissed, slamming the pen on the counter. The small police station should have been buzzing about with noise, but as Simon kept demanding, everything and everyone went quiet. 

“Just tell me why you didn’t change your last name,” he pushed. 

“Because I still love you, okay?!” I snapped, whirling to glare at him. “I still love you, but we are not good together and it’s one piece of us that I can have without trouble. So there, there’s your answer, in front of your new boyfriend, too.”

“Love,” Simon said with a sigh. 

“Don’t,” I said, cutting him off. “Anything else for me to sign?” I asked, turning back to glare at Roach. 

“Uh, no that’s it,” Roach said. I hadn’t meant to crumble so easily. I thought I was stronger than that, but seeing him again, with someone else. . . What was I supposed to do? We used to be so good together, but then everything happened and shit hit the fan. I couldn’t be as soft as I once was and I couldn’t let him back in. It wasn’t fair to him. Not after the shit I put him through. 

“Thanks,” I said, turning on my heel. Thankfully no one called after me again, letting me get to my car and drive home in peace. Getting home, I walked in to shut the door behind me. It was barely 2pm but there I was going right for the vodka in my freezer. I’d been sober almost four months, but seeing Simon. . . I couldn’t. It was supposed to be an easy grab and go, he’d get pissed and grouchy while I hauled his ass to jail. 

Then it turned into a sudden confession at the police station in front of everyone and their dog to see and hear. I hoped that was the last I’d seen of him for a while. If ever. 

Well, if I'm there to catch you when you fall

You'll have a friend down in Hell after all

Pulling a glass from my cupboard, I put a handful of ice in it before filling it with the liquor. I brought the glass to my lips, but paused. On the fridge was a magnet with a purple heart on it and the name ‘Dierdre’ in cursive letters. Staring at it, I held onto the drink as that ache brought back by Simon deepened. Like a scab reopening to become infected. The burning smell of the vodka was enough to pull me from scratching that open wound. Slowly, I set the glass down. That job was a mistake and I knew it the whole time. I thought maybe the money would soften any damage done or any hurt feelings, but it hadn’t done a damn thing.

Taking a deep breath as my mind threatened to unravel any second, I reached out to grab the bottle of vodka. Unscrewing the cap, I let it drop to the counter. The feel of the icy bottle in my hand helped pull me up from the warmth of depression that was pulling me into its arms. I tipped the bottle to watch the clear liquid pour into the sink, splashing and running down the drain. When the bottle was empty, I did the same to the drink I had made. 

Standing in silence, I let out a sigh before moving to my living room, leaving the empty bottle on the counter.

And if you're there to catch me when I fall

Then maybe Hell ain't so bad after all

I pulled off my boots and jacket, texting Farah that I had everything signed and turned in and that I was done for the day. Shutting my phone off, I moved to flop onto the couch after peeling off my tight jeans. My bra went flying behind me, letting me settle in the warm weather with my windows open. The apartment was modest as Simon had kept almost everything in the divorce. I didn’t want it, so I left the house and anything I didn’t readily need with him. It was for the best. I didn’t need much and it made for less stuff when I moved. 

Flipping on the TV, I turned it to good ol’ golf. I could put golf on at any time and it would put me in a dreamless sleep. That was what I needed. No dreams, no thoughts, no worries or wonders. Just the comfortable void that I could exist in without overwhelming feelings of any kind. In minutes I was passed out on the couch. 

Until someone pounded on my front door. 

Groggily, I looked around, confused as the sun had set and I was chilly in my underwear and tank top. Another loud knock came that had me glaring at the offending door. 

“I’m coming!” I yelled, going to the door. Beside it in a small side table, I hid a Glock for when unsolicited callers came to the door. It was registered and everything, but wasn’t kept completely legal considering it wasn’t locked up with the ammo separated. My previous job and being a bounty hunter didn’t exactly make for the safest of conditions and the bad guys wouldn’t wait for me to put in my combination to my safe. “Who is it?” I asked, hand on the gun hidden under the table top. 

“It’s Simon.” Quiet a moment, I scrunched my face in frustration while holding back the urge to tell him to fuck off.

“What do you want?” I asked, not letting him in or taking my hand off the gun. 

“I want to talk to you,” he said. I heard him shifting around, waiting for me to answer. The thought of climbing out my window crossed my mind, but he’d just follow right behind me. Sighing heavily, I took my hand from the gun before I unlocked the door to open it. “Thank. . . You,” he said, his eyes trailing down my body. “Well then.”

“I was napping,” I grumbled, stepping aside. “Besides you’ve seen more of that.” I pushed the door to shut it, but it stopped when Johnny popped in. “Excuse me?” I said, looking between the two. 

“We need to talk about earlier,” Simon said as Johnny walked in. “All three of us.”

“I don’t understand,” I groaned, scrubbing my face. “Why are both of you here?”

“Do you wanna put some pants on? We can turn around,” Johnny offered. I stared at him before looking to Simon. 

“Just go have a seat on the couch, Darlin’,” Simon said with a soft sigh, rubbing Johnny’s arm. My eye twitched at the gesture and nickname, but I stayed quiet. 

“I’ll be right back,” I said, going to the bedroom which was technically part of the living room. It had a partition set up to kind of offer a sense of it being a different room, but I didn’t try that hard. I grabbed a pair of sweatpants and hoodie to pull on before I rejoined the two men. Johnny sat on the couch, watching some show on TV that had come on during my nap while Simon was in the kitchen, holding the empty liquor bottle. 

I didn't want to believe how much you needed help

And I just left you to be all by yourself

“I thought you said you were goin’ to counselin’,” he said softly. 

“I am,” I said, taking the bottle from him to put in the recycling. “It was in the freezer from almost 6 months ago. I poured it out.”

“Are you bein’ honest with me?” Simon asked, looking at me. His dark eyes looked scared, worried, unsure. It was more than he gave me earlier that day at the coffee shop.

“I am,” I said. “Promise.”

“Good,” Simon said with a nod before motioning to the couch.

“So, what was it you two wanted to talk about?” I asked, pulling over a chair from my table as Simon sat next to Johnny. 

“Aren’t you curious how we found ye?” Johnny asked as I turned off the TV. 

“Not really. I know how you found me,” I said. “One of two options. Either you tracked me back through my phone records or you talked to my office manager, Farah. Who honestly should know better than to give my address out, but I assumed you pestered her enough that she caved.”

“Wow, she is good Simon,” Johnny said with a smile. 

“I told you,” Simon said with a chuckle. I felt a hint of heat in my cheeks. Simon told Johnny about me? About how I was good at seeing things others didn’t? “Sorry, I told him you used to be a private investigator and he thinks it’s the greatest thing.”

“I love all those detective movies where the police don’t believe the evidence, but that rogue investigator finds it all out and cracks the case!” Johnny said excitedly. It was almost annoying, but it was also sweet. I hadn’t felt excited, truly excited, like that in a long time and didn’t know if I ever could again.

“It was mostly catching people cheating on each other,” I said, rubbing my face. “Hate to break the dream for ya.”

“That’s not what Simon said,” Johnny said. It was Simon’s turn to get a bit red in the cheeks. 

“Oh really? What did he say?” I asked, crossing my legs as I leaned forward.

“Not why we’re here,” Simon said, covering Johnny’s mouth with his hand. 

“Then why are you here?” I asked, turning my attention to him. 

“We’re here to talk about us,” Simon said, motioning between me and him. 

“What’s there to talk about?” I asked, sitting back up to cross my arms over my chest. “We’re divorced. We gave it a shot and it didn’t work out.”

“No, we gave it a shot and you called it quits. I was willin’ to work it out,” Simon said with a sigh.

“Obviously you don’t want to anymore, you brought your boyfriend over,” I said, motioning to Johnny.

“Johnny, go ahead and show her,” Simon said, looking to the other. 

“Show me what?” I asked. Johnny glanced from me to Simon before he pulled up his shirt and pulled his pants down a bit. On his right hip was his soulmate mark. I swallowed hard, looking at it as tears pricked my eyes. It was the same as me and Simon’s. Three small arrows. “Well, good for you, you found a soulmate after I covered my mark,” I said. “You wanted to let me know you’d moved on completely and that I shouldn’t contact you again.”

“No, that’s not it,” Simon said as Johnny sat back down.

“Then what is it, Simon?” I snapped. “What do you want? I filed for divorce, I left you, I moved away from you, and the first time I called you in nearly a year is to arrest you, so you think that means anything?”

And now I wish I had seen that you weren't doing well

But I just came back to see how hard you fell

“You said at the station that you were still in love with me,” Simon said.

“No, I said I still loved you. There’s a difference. I’m not in love with you,” I said. It was mean and cruel, but I couldn’t let him think there was a chance we’d have a happily ever after. I was too much of a mess and barely managed to keep myself going most days as a functioning adult. 

“But you could be,” Johnny said. I narrowed my eyes at him, snarling almost, but he didn’t flinch. “You could fall back in love with him.”

“I. . . I am not the person I used to be, Simon,” I said, trying to swallow back tears. “I’m not the girl you fell in love with and I probably won’t ever be her again. I’m not who you want or need.” 

“Maybe Johnny’s right,” Simon said, scooting closer to me. “We’re both different people, but we could fall in love again.”

“It has been over a year, Simon,” I said. “You moved on with Johnny and I moved on. What is the point of us getting back together? We’re not good together.”

“No, we were,” Simon said. “We just lost each other when we lost Dierdre.”

“Don’t,” I snapped, close to losing it. “Don’t bring her into this.” 

Well, if I'm there to catch you when you fall

You'll have a friend down in Hell after all

“You shut down so hard and pushed me so far away when we lost her, Love,” Simon said, reaching out to touch my knee. I pulled away instantly like his touch burned me. I sat rigid in my seat as I refused to look at him. “We made mistakes and we fucked up. I fucked up. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there when you needed me.” His voice was catching, making it hard to steel myself, to keep myself in my self appointed isolation. “It’s not your fault and I don’t blame you for anythin’. The drinkin’, the lyin’, the fights, I don’t blame you. Neither of us were in the right. I. . . I never stopped lovin’ you. Even when I met Johnny, I still loved you just as much as I did before. I still do.”

I shook my head, feeling my shell crack as tears slid down my face. 

“You had a miscarriage, Love. We lost our baby girl and I thought I lost you too,” Simon choked out. We didn’t talk like this after we got home from the hospital. I had been seven months pregnant when something happened. There were sharp pains that I shouldn’t have had. Before we knew it I was in the hospital bleeding, hemorrhaging. The sac she was in didn’t develop right and it burst. By the time I was in delivery she was already gone. I barely made it out alive. 

“You’re not just one event in your Simon’s life,” Johnny said suddenly, making me flinch. “A loss of a child is one of the hardest emotional pains to endure and a lot of couples do divorce afterwards because it seems like the world has come down upon you. It’s okay to feel those feelings and work through them, but it seems that you didn’t want to or didn’t have the capacity at the time to work through it with Simon. These things take time and that may be what was needed. Time.”

“Johnny was my counselor for a while,” Simon said with a soft chuckle. I looked at him, seeing the tears running down his cheeks, his mask off. It was the first time I had seen his face since before the hospital visit. “Then for obvious reasons I started seein’ a different counselor.”

And if you're there to catch me when I fall

Then maybe Hell ain't so bad after all

“The heart wants what it wants,” Johnny said with a soft smile and a shrug. “All that aside, with everything Simon has told me, I couldn’t deny him of seeing you. He loves you too much and I love him. I want us to be happy and even if that means we have separate relationships with Simon or if you just want to be friends again, I am all for it. Being married and together for so long, as well as soulmates, makes for an intense relationship, but also one you can’t just forget and burn a bridge to with something like you guys. All I ask is that you consider it and we’ll work through it together.”

“I don’t know,” I said softly. “I don’t think I’m ready or ever will be ready.”

“Love,” Simon said, reaching out to grasp my hand that had gripped my knee tightly. “We don’t have to pick up where we left off. I just. . . I need you in my life. Please.” 

God, the feel of his hand around mine made me want to curl into a ball in his lap, let him rock me and hold me. It was so hard to keep myself in check. 

“So, this is about making yourself feel better?” I said, trying to make a wedge between us. He needed to leave and move on with Johnny. They could be happy together, adopt, get a dog. I was too broken and missing pieces. There was no way that I could go back to him, not because he had been the cause, but because I was certain I would only hurt him again when he saw how badly I was cracked. “I told you, Simon. I am not who I was when we met, let alone when we got married. This version of me is not someone who is the loving and caring partner that is soft and a safe place to land.”

Build me up or tear me down, I will never make a sound

Build me up or tear me down

“How about a reset?” Johnny said. I looked at him confused, unsure what he was getting at. “You wipe the slate clean, you start over. That means, you start out as friends again, move on from there. I find it helps couples that feel they can’t get over certain bumps in the road to have an imaginary reset button. It’s been a year since you two have been around each other, you’re obviously in different places in your lives, and you have changed. A reset would probably be the best thing for you two if you want to be around one another again.”

“So what, we just pretend nothing happened before now?” I asked with a scoff.

“No, you definitely don’t do that,” Johnny said. “You start fresh. You acknowledge that you both have a past, but you don’t work around it. You work with it.” 

“I’m on board for whatever you want,” Simon said. I took a deep breath, holding Simon’s hand without realizing it. 

Run a dagger through my chest, I believe it's for the best

Build me up or tear me down

“I can’t,” I said, pulling my hand away from him. “I just can’t.” That sucking pit in my chest that had snuck up on me was gasping to get more of me. 

“You don’t have to punish yourself for losing a child,” Johnny said. He had gone to his knees in front of me, making me see his face as he looked up at me. His words were spoken softly, but a force to pull me back from that place I was comfortable with. Where it was dark and lonely and it made sense to feel guilt. “You did everything you could to keep her safe and loved her so much. You were a good mum. It’s not your fault.”

All I could do was stare at him as he nodded, taking my shaky, clammy hands in his large, rough ones. I had manhandled him into cuffs earlier without hesitation, moving on instinct, and now I was in his calm, grounding grasp. “But-”

“It will never be your fault. There is no need to punish you for something that was not your doing. You deserve to be loved and have someone be there for you. This was not a failure on your part and never will be. You can let go of that weight. You’re not alone anymore and don’t have to be again.”

There are scars that'll never ever show themselves

You get when you're left alone too long in Hell

“Okay,” I choked out. “I. . . I want to try the reset thing.”

“We’ll go slow and easy,” Simon said. 

“I want to start as friends, with both you and Johnny,” I said looking from Simon to Johnny.

“That’s the most I would ask for,” Johnny said, a smile on his face. 

“Give me some time right now. I’ll text you later and we’ll go from there, okay?” I said, needing to remember to breathe.

They tried to keep in the secrets that you wouldn't tell

But they just stripped you for parts you had to sell

“Sounds good,” Simon said, a smile spreading across his face as well. Even though we got what we all wanted apparently, why was I the only one not smiling? Why did it feel like I wasn’t going to get what was promised? The only person dangling the carrot in front of me was myself and I knew the bitch would never let me have it if someone didn’t make her.

“I’m gonna give you two a minute, I’ll be out in the car,” Johnny said, getting up. He dropped a kiss to Simon’s head and waved to me before letting himself out. 

“What?” I said, looking at Simon as he stared me down.

“Do you really want to do this? To reset?” He asked. 

“If I didn’t, would I have said yes to it?” I asked, rolling my eyes, unable to keep from putting up my guards.

“No, but that doesn’t mean you’re lettin’ it all out there,” he said. 

“I just. . . I don’t know. I feel like I let two strangers into my apartment to emotionally bully me into a relationship that I am terrified of,” I said with a sigh. “I don’t know how to be or to act around you anymore.”

“It’s okay,” Simon said, taking my hand in his. It was warm and rough, just like always. “We’ll figure it out. I’ll give you all the time and space you want.”

“What if I don’t want space?” I blurted out. I had shut down after Dierdre, pushed everyone away, and made myself alone. Like Johnny had figured out, I was punishing myself for my daughter’s death. I did that to myself because it felt like the right thing to do at the time, but I didn’t want it anymore. Not when Simon wanted me back, but. . . 

“What do you mean?” Simon asked.

“I mean. . . I am so tired of being alone and I am so tired of pushing people away. I don’t care about the sex or kissing, I just don’t want to be alone again,” I said, managing to get it out before I broke down into sobs. 

And if you're there to catch me when I fall

Then maybe Hell ain't so bad after all

Simon didn’t let go of me. Slowly, he pulled me from my chair to set me in his lap. His long arms wrapped around me, holding me tight as I sobbed against him. 

It had been so long since I’d had that simple comfort that I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to go slow and stay home by myself. I wanted to go with Simon and Johnny and just stop being fucking alone. It was as if Simon was reading my mind as the back of my hand began to itch under my tattoo. 

“Why don’t you come home with us for a while?” Simon asked. “Don’t worry about anythin’, I’ll help you pack a bag and when you feel up to it, we’ll come back.”

Build me up or tear me down, I will never make a sound

Build me up or tear me down

“Okay,” I nodded, hiccuping from crying so hard. There was no fight left in me as he continued to hold me, only taking out his phone to text Johnny. A few more minutes and I walked with him like a child holding their parents hand to their bedroom where the monsters were. We packed a basic bag before I slid on shoes then grabbed my keys, phone, and wallet. With my place locked up, Simon led me out to the car where Johnny was waiting in the driver’s seat. He didn’t say a word or make any fuss as Simon got in the back with me to hold me as we drove back to their house. 

I knew Simon had sold our old house six months ago, getting another one down the street from it. It was a blessing because I would not be able to go back into that house. Brief flashes of how we had worked to make it ours, the decorations, furniture, the nursery ran through my mind. But instead of breaking down and having a drink, I nuzzled against Simon’s chest as his heavy arm kept me close.

Run a dagger through my chest, I believe it's for the best

Build me up or tear me down

Once there, I walked in holding Simon’s hand. Johnny didn’t seem surprised at all by any of it. In fact it was almost like he was expecting it. “Here’s some water and ibuprofen, you probably have a headache and are dehydrated,” he said as he handed me both items.

“Thanks,” I said, taking them. 

“If you’re hungry we can order something or you’re more than welcome to lay down or even take a shower, whatever you’d like,” Johnny said as he took my bag for me. Going down the hall and straight to their room. I knew it was their room because it had a huge bed I could see from the front. 

“I can sleep on the couch or the guest room,” I said, trying to back peddle from something I didn’t even realize was taking off so quickly.

“Don’t worry about,” Johnny said. “You’re probably touch starved and your soulmates haven’t been around in a year. It’ll create a tension of sorts, make you irritable, cause mood swings, depression, anxiety, general mental disarray. The best thing to do for it, if you can, is to be with your soulmates. That means you share the bed with us.”

“Us?” I said, my voice cracking.

If I'm there to catch you when you fall

You'll have a friend down in Hell after all

“Simon will sleep in the middle, don’t worry,” Johnny said as he walked to the closet to grab extra pillows and blankets. 

“I think I’ve just been bamboozled,” I mumbled. That little shit knew all along that I’d end up coming home with them. He probably knew about the tickets! Knew that I was a bounty hunter! I was going to have to keep my eye on him. 

“Probably,” Simon said with a chuckle. “He’s shifty like that. But, he is right. You’re probably touch starved, so you’re stayin’ in the same bed as us. Do you want to shower or anythin’?” 

“I just want to lay down. My head is killing me and I’m a bit overwhelmed,” I said.

“Fair enough, keep drinkin’ the water though,” Simon said as he led me to the bedroom. 

“Yes, Sir,” I said with a snort before taking a drink of the water.

“Oh, yeah, Simon is definitely, Sir,” Johnny said as he put the pillows and blankets on the bed for me. I couldn’t help but choke on my water. “Oh, too soon?”

And if you're there to catch me when I fall

Then maybe Hell ain't so bad after all

“I think she just needs to rest,” Simon said, patting me on the back. 

“Okay,” Johnny said with a shrug. “Here’s a wet cloth for ye too.” He handed me one for my eyes before walking out. 

“Here, you get settled,” Simon said, helping me get into the large, California King sized bed. “Need anything else?” 

If I'm there to catch you when you fall

You'll have a friend down in Hell after all

“No, I think I’m good,” I said, letting him drape the wet cloth over my forehead. 

“Alright. I’m gonna go take a shower then I’ll be in to lay down with you, okay?” He said.

“Okay,” I mumbled, already falling asleep. It didn’t take long for me to do just that, but I woke up later as Simon was sliding into bed. All the noises were gone from the usual household that was awake, telling me everyone was going to bed. I felt Simon lay on his back, making it easy for me to move to lay with my arm over his belly. What I didn’t expect was another arm to lay over mine. At first I wanted to pull away, but the longer I let it stay, the more it felt right.

And if you're there to catch me when I fall

Then maybe Hell ain't so bad after all

Masterlist

Taglist: @birdstoprey @sebbytheraccoon @pricescigar @alwaysshallow @sae1kie @sleepydang @lexi-zsy09 @ghostlywhiskey @ghosts-cyphera @poohkie90 @neothewitch @shadofireshinobi @sadslasher13 @0alk0msan @xaestheticalien

[hisokakissmeplz]

💋KISSES💋

Adulttrio

HISOKA

-He LOVES kisses like he loves them so much it's the first thing he does when he sees you.

-After his fights, during missions, when you guys wake up, when you guys fall asleep, when you are just watching TV. It doesn't matter where or when he just loves having his mouth pressed against yours.

-His kisses would be otherworldly too like he would just come up behind you and surprise you with the most passionate and loving kiss ever and leave you there breathless.

-He would absolutely dip you and kiss you so hard you see stars

-He so goes in for the super romantic stuff if you're his partner, like he is so glad to finally have someone who truly enjoys accompanying him that he just wants to spoil you and leave kisses all across you.

-I don't think he really has a favorite place to kiss you just anywhere he can get his lips is fine.

-If he had to pick a favorite it would probably be your lips, neck or shoulders. Something about the delicate skin against his mouth makes him feel electric.

-I think he would love small little chaste kisses on his mouth or cheek like when you walk past him on a mission and peck his lips or him kissing the side of your face if he has to squeeze by you.

-Although his favorite type of kiss is the long awaited make out session you both had been craving. The ones where your lips just kind of find each other and won't let go and he wraps his arms around you pulling you close and slipping in his tongue. Of course he'd pull away to let you breathe and start sucking and biting on your neck and jaw.

-omg just imagine

-Also PDA like serious PDA like he would try to make out with you in the middle of a grocery store if you'd let him.

ILLUMI

-Kind of the opposite about of Hisoka PDA, like I don't think he would like it to much.

-Unless it's like holding your hand or maybe like walking super close but he's not super comfortable about kissing in public.

-While that's said, I think he would love kiss in privacy like maybe he wouldn't even tell you how much he loves it but he does. Your kisses reassure him if your love and that you're with him.

-He loves when he's working on something and you come over and peck his lips real quick, he loves when you kiss him after waking up in the morning, he loves when you kiss him after he gives you the gift he picked out (It's the thing you saw while you guys were shopping that your eyes barley grazed but you wanted it so bad and he could tell) he absolutely adores your kisses.

-As for his favorite spot to kiss you I'd have to say your back and shoulders or maybe your nose.

-loves kissing your shoulders and back while he massages your back after a mission. He also loves the cute way you look at him almost in shock when he grabs your face gently and kisses your nose.

-He doesn't have much practice kissing people if any and Hisoka definitely makes fun of him for it but might help and give him advice on how to be more passionate or loving when you kiss somebody.

-Probably not super big on making out because he doesn't know how.

-Unless you taught him or he asked Hisoka the he would be all for it and always seek it for reassurance if you guys were having sex or something

-Either way you both love kisses in private and Illumi likes to feel comfortable enough to let loose a little.

CHROLLO

-A lot like Hisoka surprisingly.

-He's extremely passionate when he kisses you.

-Will absolutely cover your faces with his book if you kiss him in public although he loves little PDA.

-His favorite spot to kiss you? Your hands.

-Idk he would just love peppering your hands with light kisses.

-He's a gentleman after all and wants you to know you're his lady.

-If he felt like someone was looking at you to closely or for too long he would grab you by your hands and kiss you deeply. He would kiss you untill whoever had looked away out of embarrassment or jealousy or both. Or alternatively, he would kiss you and stare at them the entire time just glaring(That includes anyone in the troupe too)

-Would kiss you goodnight and have trouble sleeping if he forgot or something. His kisses would really be all that sexual or anything mostly just really loving kisses.

-Now when you guys were making out or something he would be super soft and gentle with you and made sure you could pull away of you needed to breath.

-Would whine and whimper when you guys kiss.

[decks-writing-blog]

Whatever the Fuck Benrey Is: Chapter Three: Feel Bad For Him

Chapter One: Never Stayed Dead

Previous Chapter: But You Owe Me

~

‘Sulky’ was the only way that could describe Benrey’s attitude. Short noncommittal answers were his only replies when Gordon asked him about this or that clothing item. And he didn’t say anything unprompted as he followed. He was utterly unhelpful in every way but he wasn’t being an active nuisance or wondering off again so it was preferable.

Gordon put up with it for as long as he could bear before giving up and just picking stuff out for Benrey without even bothering to ask. Probably because he was used to see Benrey in blue, he ended up picking out mostly blue and other cool coloured clothing. It would make the inhuman yellow he’d chosen for to put in his eyes pop but most people would likely assume he was wearing contacts. Anyone wearing such contacts would want them to stand out, thus making them less suspicious.

Blessedly after paying for everything, they were allowed into the changing rooms so they could spend the rest of their shopping trip in real clothing. Immediately Gordon felt better; he was clean, safe, and wearing proper clothing again at long last. And their group no longer stood out even a little, making the fear of anyone noticing them and asking too many questions much less potent.

As they set to grocery shopping, Benrey continued to sulk as he followed along at the back of the group. Apparently he was really upset about no one being willing to buy him a new PS3. As long as he was expressing that in sullenness and not trying to kill them though, Gordon didn’t care. Let the bastard be unhappy for once, he deserved it after all the misery he’d put Gordon through.

Without easy access to a fridge and the only means to cook anything being the microwave in the hotel’s cafeteria area, the kinds of food they could get were limited. But anything was better than living off of vending machine snacks and dead pigeon that was always undercooked in some places and burnt in others. Somehow though despite how much soda they’d drank during that same trip through hell, Gordon just barely managed to convince to not add it to the list here. They could spend their money how they wanted of course but packs of soda were always bulky and they had enough to carry already.

Luckily the walk back to the hotel wasn’t long even if it was uncomfortable carrying so many bags at the height of the day’s heat. Not so luckily though, upon inquiring at the front desk, there were no new rooms available. Gordon had to continue sharing with Benrey. Tempting as it was to complain to the receptionist or the rest of the Science Team again, he didn’t bother.

As soon as they were back in their room, Benrey dropped the bags Gordon had given him to carry and wondered over to flop face first down onto the bed. Ignoring him being the easiest thing to do, Gordon set to putting stuff away. Including Benrey’s clothing, not a job he should have to do but he wasn’t in the mood to start something. Their share of the groceries, he put some in the night stand, the rest he left put in a box next to it.

Once everything was put away, he sat in the chair and pulled the phone out of its cradle, resting it on his lap while he dialed. By some miracle he remembered his supervisor’s phone number after only a little bit of thought. As usual, because the asshole never picked up his phone, it inevitably went voice mail.

“Hey, if you’re not dead,” though there was a good chance he was, “it’s Gordon Freeman. As you probably know, stuff kinda exploded and went to hell during my last shift. So I’m calling because I don’t know if I technically still have a job at Black Mesa or not. So I’d like news on that as well as compensation since it was a workplace accident and all that. Also uh… I got a thing that I need help handling. I can’t talk about it over the phone because it’s sensitive company stuff,” and because Benrey, the exact thing he was talking about, was right there, “but it’s important. So get in touch soon.” He gave the hotel name and his room number before hanging up with a sigh.

Probably the guy was dead so he’d have to go further up the chain of command if he wanted any hope of getting confirmation on his job status, compensation for his suffering while on the job, and/or answers on what he was supposed to do with Benrey. Perhaps all the way up to Administrator Breen,himself. Normally he would’ve balked at such a thought but after everything he’d been through he’d run out of fucks to give.

Though the situation with the US military did make it a bit more complicated. They could threaten to turn him in if he tried to demand anything from the company. But then he could in turn threaten to spill the news of the incident to the public if they tried. Or heck, he’d taken part in plenty of top secret experiments even before this latest fiasco that he could threaten to reveal too. He didn’t currently have any proof of any of it – it had all been in his office or living space at the Black Mesa facility – but he could bluff and say he did. Perhaps he could even head down there to get that proof.

The thought of returning so soon sent a chill down his spine. But… it might be a smart idea. Everything should’ve calmed down by now both in terms of the aliens as well as the military. They could check to see if any of the possessions were salvageable and well, there might be survivors they could help. And if Gordon really did have to black mail the company to get them to compensate him and the rest of the team, having the means to actually do so before he even needed to threaten it would be helpful.

If they were going to go down there, the sooner, the better. … He didn’t want to though, not today. It was too soon, he needed some some time. Tomorrow would be better. If they heard nothing from Black Mesa by then, he’d talk to the others about renting a car and heading down there to see if there was anything to see. For now, he was done thinking about it.

Instead, he looked over at Benrey, still lying face down on the bed. It couldn’t possibly be comfortable but he didn’t seem inclined to move any time soon. “How long you planning to sulk for?” Talking to him might be a bad idea but the silence was too heavy.

Benrey’s response was so muffled by the pillow his face was pressed into, it was indecipherable. Gordon could just get up and leave him there, would be justified in doing so too, and go talk to the others instead. But Tommy had made a good point about all their fun stuff being gone or at least currently inaccessible. Fun stuff wasn’t necessary for survival but it was necessary for thriving and after everything they’d been through, fun distraction would not only be really damn nice but also much deserved.

Since starting college, Gordon hadn’t had as much time to play video games as he’d have liked. Getting hired at Black Mesa had given him a little more time since he lived and worked in the facility but he’d mostly been focused on work. They’d been working on some pretty cool projects after all… though they seemed less cool now. Getting lost in video games was more appealing of an concept than ever. And there were by far worse coping mechanisms he could be tempted to turn to if he resisted this one. Benrey being a gamer too meant he could kill two birds with one stone; fun distraction for himself and something to keep Benrey occupied and hopefully content enough to not cause more problems.

With a sigh, Gordon stood back up and put his shoes back on. “I’m about to head to the used game store, you wanna come with?”

For a moment it seemed Benrey hadn’t heard or wasn’t going to respond but after several seconds he twisted his neck to look up at Gordon. Far enough that it looked painful but he wasn’t human so he was probably fine. He opened his mouth but Gordon quickly cut him off before he could say something stupid.

“We’re getting an old, used, cheap console with old, used, cheap games, nothing new or expensive. I only got so much in savings. But I am willing to buy a couple games solely for you if it’ll keep you from being a nuisance and if you promise to behave. Understood?”

Benrey pushed himself up and was back to his feet in seconds. “Yeah, yeah, understood.”

“You promise to behave?”

“I promise to behave. Let’s go.” It was quick and Benrey was already starting for the door so it would have to be good enough for now.

~

Despite having made it clear that he was a Sony fanboy, Benrey was the one who suggested they get the Game Cube instead of the original Play Station because, “There’s more good games for it.” Which was true, the store’s selection of Game Cube games was almost twice as big as it’s Play Station section.

He was also the one to suggest they get multiplayer games. Gordon didn’t like the idea of playing games with him but after some thought he agreed that it was a good idea. Since they had to share the console, they were bound to end up fighting over it, having some games they could play together should mitigate that to some extent. Besides he did like the idea of occasionally playing with Tommy, Bubby, and Dr. Coomer if they desired to as well.

In all, the shopping trip was quick, easy, and Benrey was relatively well behaved the whole time. They walked away with a Game Cube, four controllers, two memory cards, a decent handful of games and three Beyblades from the toy box next to the cashier for less than a brand new PS3 would’ve cost. Gordon had checked to see if he could get Dr. Coomer a SNES and Super Punch Out but the latter wasn’t in stock so he put the idea on the shelf for later.

For now instead, during the walk back to the hotel he stopped by the 7/11 to get everyone their own two litter bottle of soda – all on brand, unlike the cheap stuff available at Black Mesa’s vending machines – and at Benrey’s suggestion a box of on brand candy too. It wasn’t much but he owed the Science Team his life so he wanted to do something at least kind of nice for them. Benrey got included solely because he was physically with Gordon at the time and well, he was feeling generous so why not?

“They got pizza too,” Benrey said as he bumped his shoulder into Gordon’s as he made his third and final trip to the counter – having only one real hand meant he couldn’t carry it all at once until it was bagged and Benrey’s arms were full with their game purchases, meaning he couldn’t help.

“Yeah, and?”

“Could get some… maybe?”

“What? No. Have you ever had 7/11 pizza?”

“Nope. This is my first time inside a real 7/11.”

Damn, another reminder that Benrey probably spent his whole life locked up inside Black Mesa. Gordon still refused to feel bad for him though. The world had been better and safer with Benrey contained. Now apparently it was Gordon’s job to prevent him from running amuck and causing untold chaos until he could get him to someone who could contain him again.

What were the pay rates for babysitting whatever the fuck Benrey was? Had to be pretty high, right? Between that and the compensation he was owed, he should be set for life. Maybe he really could retire and spend the rest of his life goofing off and playing video games online.

For now though, he finished putting the last of his purchase on the counter and said to Benrey, “Well, trust me, unless you’re high enough that you’re happy to eat literally anything, convenience store pizza is garbage. Like, it’s worse than frozen pizza.”

“Oh, no thanks then, frozen pizza’s pretty bad. It’s too cold and the plastic wrapping gets stuck your teeth, real uh… real awful. The cardboard ain’t bad but can’t save it.”

The cashier ringing everything up chuckled, clearly believing it to be a joke. Gordon wasn’t so sure. It was tempting to ask but he didn’t need to know and just laughed along instead because Benrey eating a frozen pizza straight out of the freezer, packaging and all, was a pretty funny mental image.

~

Upon returning to the hotel the first thing Gordon did was unload all the sodas and candy, much to the delight of the Science Team. Especially Tommy once the Beyblades were brought out for him too. Sunkist had apparently caught up and seemed excited too. Gordon would have to get her a bone or toy of some sort eventually. Which he would have to talk to Tommy about to ensure he got here something that wouldn’t be dangerous to her health if she had an allergy or whatever. That was for later though, for now he just wanted to go back to his own room and relax for a bit.

Even before Gordon was quite finished closing the door behind them, Benrey was off and starting to plug the Game Cube into the TV. Being an older console and an older TV, they were perfectly suited to each other. “Wanna play Melee?” Benrey asked as he turned towards Gordon, holding up the appropriate game box.

“Sure. Go easy on me though, I’m, uh, down a hand.” Later he was going to have to do some research on how difficult it would be to get or make a controller meant for use with a single hand.

“Of course, of course. Gotta go easy on the noobs otherwise they ain’t gonna wanna play anymore and then that’s no fun.”

Gordon could perhaps find reason to be annoyed with being called a noob but it had been a long time since he’d played the original Smash Bros back on the N64. Back when the Game Cube was new, he’d considered himself too cool for Nintendo. So this was his first time owning one and thus, he was a noob. Nothing wrong with that though.

***

Even when going as easy on Gordon as he could while still actively playing the game, beating him was almost trivial. Benrey had never even played Melee against real people before but Gordon took only slightly more effort to beat than the easy bots.

Normally Benrey would’ve teased him to hell and back for being so bad but he knew why Gordon was playing so poorly. Game Cube controllers were designed to be used with two hands. Gordon straddled his on his gun hand while awkwardly splaying his left hand over it. Technically he could press the buttons and move the analog stick at the same time but not with any degree of finesse.

If Benrey had known leading Gordon to the soldiers would result in him permanently losing a part of his body, he wouldn’t have done it. There was being bad because he’d been wronged – and so Gordon would pay more emotion-filled attention to him – and then there was his actions resulting in Gordon having only one functioning hand for the rest of his life.

“If humans don’t grow back cut off bits does that mean they also don’t, uh… come back when you kill them?” He eventually had to ask once he’d knocked Gordon down to his final stock for the third time.

“Nope. As a popular meme says, ‘people die when they are killed’. It’s permanent unless it’s the kind of thing a doctor can resuscitate someone from. That’s pretty rare though.”

“What about Bubby? He comes back when he dies and he’s human.” Or at least Benrey was pretty sure he counted as such.

“He does?”

“Bro, you saw him die at least like… twice, I think. He comes back.”

“Well… Bubby’s special. He was made in the lab so even if he is human, he’s got stuff going on that the rest of us don’t. Normal humans stay dead when they die and don’t grow back lost body parts. Heck, you injure us bad enough and we’ll be permanently fucked up because of it.”

“Damn. Your species don’t got much going on, huh?” And their little fight took on a whole new meaning. Benrey had thought they’d been mostly still chill even if they’d been actively trying to kill each other. But if death was permanent for humans that meant the nothingness between it and reformation would be permanent as well, right? Making trying to kill someone a much bigger deal than Benrey had thought.

“Hey, we got plenty going on, we’re just not immortal or whatever like… whatever the fuck you are. What even are you?”

Before answering, Benrey won the round. It was so easy it wasn’t as fun as it could’ve been. While the announcer claimed him the winner, he looked over at Gordon sitting on the chair next to him. “I’m not human.”

“Yes, we’ve established that but what are you?”

Benrey hadn’t considered that question in a long time and it had been even longer since he’d cared. “I don’t know.”

“What? How do you not know what you are?”

“Just don’t.” He was Benrey and he wasn’t human, what more mattered?

“They made you in the lab too, didn’t they?”

“Um… maybe. I’m not really sure. All I remember is the lab though so probably, I guess.”

Gordon was silent for a few seconds, his face full of thought before it scrunched up in sudden anger. “God fucking damn it!”

“Whoa bro, why you so angry?” Benrey wasn’t always great at telling what kinds of things would make people mad at him but he was pretty sure that that shouldn’t have. What did he know though? Sometimes people just got mad at him even when he didn’t intend for them to.

“I’m not… or I guess I am angry. But not at you and it doesn’t matter right now. Let’s just shut up and keep playing.” He turned his attention back onto the TV, pressing start to get them back to the character select screen.

After switching characters to Link – he had a sword so he was cool – Benrey rested his controller on his knee and bent his right arm around behind himself. Playing one handed was only fair, right?

Somehow Gordon didn’t seem to notice until he won the round and turned to look at Benrey again. Whatever he’d been going to say died on his lips and his eyes widened a bit surprise. “Oh, I guess that explains why you were playing so much worse suddenly. You don’t uh… don’t gotta do that for me.”

“Nah, beating you’s too easy, gotta even the playing field a bit to make it more fun.” And it had been more fun, certainly it meant he could put real effort in without it being a steamroll. He’d even lost that round, pretty handily too because Gordon had more one-handed practice at this than him, but it was only a matter of time before he got his mojo back. And then when he started winning again, he could tease Gordon for being bad.

“Oh, um… okay then, I ain’t gonna complain about that, thanks.” Gordon turned his attention back on the game and started the next round.

***

Gordon had been planning on not tolerating sharing the bed with Benrey again. He’d been intending to insist Benrey sleep on the floor or in one of the chairs. But then Benrey had inadvertently made Gordon feel bad for him. No wonder he was so fucked up and weird, he’d spent his entire life in the lab and didn’t even know if he was made in it or they’d just found him super young and kept him around to experiment on. Idiot didn’t even seem to understand how fucked up that was which just made it worse.

Bubby had a similar life story – though he at least seemed to understand that it was horrible to some degree – which largely had to do with why Gordon had forgiven him for his part in the betrayal. Just like he’d forgiven Dr. Coomer for the whole clones trying to kill him thing. Being part of or the product of an unethical science experiment was bound to result in acting out a little, being a little strange, and maybe not fully grasping the ethics and impact of one’s actions. And so Gordon should forgive Benrey too, shouldn’t he? He didn’t want to though.

And so after wrestling with the thought on and off for hours, reaching no conclusions, it was finally time to go to bed. He’d planned what he was going to say earlier at Target; ‘You’re sleeping on the floor tonight.’ A statement, not a request, brooking no room for argument. ‘You’re not human so you don’t need to sleep in a bed. Beds are for humans,’ if Benrey tried to argue. But even if he didn’t forgive and thus very much wanted to not share the bed with Benrey again, he did still feel bad. Bad enough that making Benrey sleep on the floor seemed too harsh and with no other options available, that meant sharing the bed again.

It was big enough for two people though, no cuddling or touching necessary if they stayed close enough to separate sides. Which would leave them close to the edges, perhaps more than Gordon preferred but not so close they’d for sure roll off. They were both full grown adults, they could handle sharing a bed without making it weird. But wait, Benrey wasn’t human so…

“You’re an adult, right?” Gordon asked as stepped out of the bathroom, wearing the pajamas he’d bought from himself earlier.

Benrey looked up from where he sat on the chair by the window. “Uh… why you asking?”

“Just you know, you’re not human so I figured maybe you’re in like a larval stage or something and you’re gonna one day make yourself a cocoon and transform into something more monstrous. Like how caterpillars turn into butterflies or whatever.” Or like he had in Xen but more permanent.

“Nah… I don’t think I can cocoon myself. Though I guess I’ve never thought about it before. I could try it.”

“I’d prefer if you didn’t. I mostly just want to know if you’re a child or adolescent version of whatever you are. I’ve been assuming you’re an adult this whole time but like, I don’t even know what you are and neither do you apparently so I could be wrong.”

“I’m full-grown. Or uh… full-grown in that sense. I can physically grow bigger, just don’t want to.” Great so he had no excuse for acting like an immature little brat at times. Except he still did because he’d been raised in a lab as a science experiment. Probably no one had ever bothered to try to teach him how to behave and thus even now as an adult he had no idea how to properly interact with others. That didn’t mean Gordon had to like him or forgive him but it was another good reason be the bigger man and not let Benrey get under his skin anymore. And so…

“Good, great. That means we can both be mature adults about his sharing a bed situation. There doesn’t have to be anything weird or uncomfortable about it. We were too tired to discuss or even think about it last night so let’s do this now. You sleep on one side of the bed and I sleep on the other and we don’t touch, got it? I request the side closest to the door.” That way if anything tried to attack through the window, he could make a run for the exit. Though, probably an attack was more likely from the door so maybe window side was better. It’d be easier to get cornered there though so actually…

“Oh, I thought you liked touching.”

Gordon flinched out of his thoughts as he looked over at Benrey again. “What made you think that?”

“You slept in the middle last night.” He stood to walk over and point to said middle. “Made it hard to join you without touching so I thought you did it on purpose ‘cause you wanted to touch.”

“No, I just wasn’t thinking.” That at least explained why they’d woken up so close. “Sorry, I guess. But we’re on the same page now though, right? No touching.”

“Lame bro, that sucks. But fine, whatever, no touching.” He genuinely sounded disappointed.

“Why is that lame?” And should Gordon really ask? It was too late now though, his bad tendency to speak before thinking coming back to bite him again.

“You’re warm. It feels nice.”

Oh, that wasn’t so bad. A bit weird but not anything super creepy like Gordon had feared. “All right, uh… good night then.” He turned off the lights and got into bed, staying just far enough way from the edge for there to be only little danger of rolling off in the middle of the night.

Chapter Four:

[tillystealeaves]

Y’all. On this day in history (1984), Metallica’s “Ride the Lightning” was released.

I… had some Eddie feels about it. I wrote this in an hour, so… hope y’all like it!

**************

July 27th, 1984

Eight weeks after Eddie Munson was supposed to graduate high school. He was supposed to have marched onto the stage, flipped off the faculty that hated him, and walked away- away from the school and the town and… away.

Eddie loved his Uncle Wayne and he knew that the older man never begrudged the fact that he’d had to make space in his small home and his quiet life for his nephew. But it was time, he knew. Time to give Wayne his space back. Time to go to a place where his surname didn’t make him universally disliked. A place where he wasn’t the biggest Freak most people had ever seen. A place where it was more understood and accepted that some people were different, were “freaks”, were metalheads… were queer.

He’d thought about Chicago a lot, dreaming of their music scene and their Pride Parades that had been held since 1970. But in the end, he’d settled on Indianapolis. Smaller, so Eddie wouldn’t get too overwhelmed with the jump from a tiny town. Closer, too, so he could visit Wayne more often.

But now none of that was happening, because Eddie had gone and failed high school. He was stuck in this awful town and Wayne was stuck with a kid he’d never planned to have- and a kid who turned out to be a failure at that.

Of course, Wayne hadn’t said that. He’d said the exact opposite, actually. That it wasn’t a big deal. That Eddie could go back next year and succeed- “and you’ll already know the answers to the pop quizzes, so that’ll help.” He’d bought Eddie a milkshake on what should have been graduation night and he’d mentioned more than once that it was nice to have an extra year of snow shoveler/ amateur chef (which was a generous way to say that Eddie had been known to experiment with how to keep the most affordable groceries taste more exciting)/ handyman’s assistant.

Still, Eddie felt guilty. His uncle had sacrificed so much for him and Eddie hadn’t managed to make anything of himself at all. Besides, he knew money was tight and him hanging around the trailer and going to high school full time yet again wouldn’t exactly make things easier for Wayne.

Not that Eddie brought much to the table during non-school months either. He’d tried to get a job around town, but most things that hire teens with no experience were customer service positions- waiters or retail- and he’d been told more than once that he’d be bad for business. He had also asked at all the local mechanic shops. Eddie loved cars and between his uncle’s friends and some old magazines had learned a decent amount about how to keep them in good working order. But apparently when your dad’s in jail for grand theft auto, people don’t want you around their cars. (Yet another thing that wouldn’t have been a problem in Indianapolis.)

Rick, the weird guy he bought weed from had offered him a job a few months back, but Eddie hadn’t given him an answer yet. Not that he had any moral stipulation against the use of certain substances, but Eddie had told himself from a young age that he would avoid the revolving prison door that was his father’s life. Besides, he couldn’t imagine how disappointed Wayne would be if he were charged with some kind of crime… so no. Not yet. He’d try to figure out something legit first.

But for now, he was stuck doing the same thing he’d done pretty much every day of this absolutely miserable summer. Get woken up by Wayne coming home, take a walk and chain-smoke until it got too hot, then sketch out future D&D campaigns until Wayne woke up and he could practice guitar.

Except when he got back to the trailer, Wayne had gone out. Tonight was Wayne’s night off, so Eddie assumed he’d gone out to run some errands after getting a few hours’ sleep. (Night Shift life sounded terrible, Eddie thought for the ten thousandth time since moving in with Wayne.) He shrugged and decided to take advantage of the extra guitar-appropriate time.

When Wayne did get back, Eddie hung his sweetheart on the wall and went to ask Wayne if he needed any help unloading anything. Wayne shook his head. “Just had to head over to the next town to grab a few things. Speaking of-“

He said it so casually, like an afterthought. Eddie had learned years ago that Wayne’s kindness was often like that. Unassuming. Eddie wondered if it had anything to do with how he’d acted when he first arrived at Wayne’s, how sure he’d been that kindness wasn’t something he should expect. Wayne had never directly addressed it; he just kept being kind anyway until Eddie finally learned that things were just going to be different at the trailer, and all in good ways.

Wayne tossed a small paper bag at Eddie. “Picked this up for you at that store you like.”

An electric chair floated in the middle of a blue background, with bolts of lightning descending from Metallica’s iconic logo to the chair. Eddie had seen the cover art before- it had been on a promo poster in that very same store that Eddie liked.

Today, July 27th, Metallica’s second studio album “Ride the Lightning” had released. And Eddie Munson had a copy in his hands.

He knew, of course, that Wayne hadn’t just picked it up during errands. To be sure to get it today, he had clearly preordered it. He’d known the date. Eddie didn’t think that he’d mentioned it- and even if he had said that Metallica had a new album coming out, he certainly wouldn’t have brought up the specific release date. If he was being honest with himself, he’d tried to forget it was coming out at all. He certainly couldn’t afford it and he absolutely wasn’t going to ask Wayne, who had given him everything and who he’d done nothing but let down.

But Wayne wasn’t looking at him at all like someone who felt let down. Wayne was smiling, clearly watching his nephew try not to bounce around with excitement. “Thank you!” Eddie exclaimed, running towards Wayne and hugging him while still not taking his eyes off the album. “Oh this is going to be so metal. I read that one song-“

And off he went, talking a mile a minute about something that Wayne only vaguely understood. But the older man smiled ever more brightly as he watched the never ending bundle of sparks that was his nephew light up his once-dreary home.

Hours later, Eddie sat in his room after listening to the entire album twice and was now trying to figure out the chord progression of “Creeping Death”. Wayne poked his head in the doorway and once again gave Eddie that smile that had made him feel so very safe over the years.

“So how long until you can play the whole thing?”

Eddie laughed. One day, he told himself, he’d get his degree and get far away from Hawkins. But this life that he had right here? This was more belonging and understanding than he would ever find in the most accepting city on the planet.

This was home.

[eldritchsurveys]

1188.

Do you feel bored with your life? >> I do sometimes. It's a very samey and uneventful existence, which I don't always hate (and in some ways, it's necessary for me), but I have a strong desire for novelty that is very difficult to satisfy when I basically do the same shit every day and rarely leave the house to do anything that's not grocery shopping or otherwise a practical errand. Who's someone you miss that you haven't talked to in years? >> Steven from the Streetwork drop-in. :(

Do you miss anyone who was mean to you in the past? >> Sure, because nostalgia doesn't discriminate anywhere near as well as it should.

How do you feel right now? >> Bored -- not in the "I have nothing to do" way, in the "I don't want to do any of the limited amount of things I can do right now" way. Novelty-starved, understimulated. Do you have severe withdrawals from medications? .

What's the most weight you've ever gained from a medication? .

Do you have a doctor you can trust? >> I do not.

What's the stupidest decision you ever made? .

What's the best thing that ever happened to you? .

How old were you the first time you encountered God? >> I think I was in my mid-twenties by the time I started having divine dalliances.

Have you ever been filled with the Holy Spirit? >> Not the one you're thinking of. And not nearly in the way you're thinking of it, either.

Have you ever had an encounter with the supernatural? >> Sure.

How many tattoos do you have, and what are they of? >> Three. The number XIX with a spider dangling from the "I", a Mannaz rune, and "scully, it's me" in typewriter font.

How do you get through hard times? >> By whatever means is available to me. It's not like I have much of a choice unless I'm going to commit suicide. So technically, whatever I do during a hard time is getting me through, even if it's just laying there and waiting for said hard times to pass.

What's the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced? >> Menstrual cramps.

What's the worst level of emotional pain you've ever experienced? >> I have very few experiences with extreme physical pain, hence my ability to choose one for the previous question. But I have way too many experiences with extreme emotional pain, so ranking is not possible here.

Have you ever been suicidal? >> Frequently.

Do you pray? If yes, to whom? >> I do not.

Do you ever feel lost and alone? >> Sure.

What was the last thing that made you angry? >> Whatever it was, I've forgotten it.

Have you ever been the victim of a crime? >> I was mugged for a shitty broken iPod Touch once. I'm assuming the muggers went home with their dubious spoils, while I went back to the shelter. That part is the real crime, in my opinion.

Is your life worse than you could have ever have imagined it to be? or is it better, or just what you expected? >> I had no expectations in the first place.

Are you married? >> I am.

Are you hurting in any way right now? >> I am not. Not consciously/actively, that is. What are you wearing? >> Old Navy joggers, undershirt, Duff's hoodie.

What was the last good book you read about? >> The last book I read was I Am An Executioner: Love Stories by Rajesh Parameswaran, and I loved it. It's a short-story collection of unconventional love stories, which already would have been my jam, but I also love stories that are distinctly from the author's cultural perspective.

What was the last flavor of tea you drank? >> Harney & Sons' Black Cask Bourbon variety. It's a blend that most notably has lapsang souchong, my favourite.

Do you feel like youtube's gotten boring lately? >> Not at all. There are certainly a lot of videos in styles that don't interest me, about things that don't interest me. But there are also many videos that do interest me, and I know how to find them.

What would you change about your hair if you could? . Are you jealous of anyone? >> Sure, there are several pretty big things that a lot of people have and I don't. And plenty of little things, of course.

Do you have a secret? >> I don't think so.

If you could tell anyone a secret right now, who would it be? . Do you miss someone that you blew it with? >> I do, but I think "blowing it" with them was probably for the best anyway. Is there a guy (or girl) you wish you hadn't screwed things up with? >> This reads to me as the same as the last question.

What was the best date you've ever been on? .

What's the last great song you discovered? >> Well, the last song that I added to my Liked Songs was Che Sia Vita O Morte by Keygen Church.

Do you prefer color or black and white? >> I don't have a preference.

Do you own a thermometer? >> I do not.

Has facebook gotten boring lately? >> I never thought Facebook was interesting to begin with. More like a utility, to me, than a place to have fun.

Do you feel free to post how you feel on facebook? >> I don't post on Facebook.

Which stereotype do you fit the most? .

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? >> Popeye's.

What is the most beautiful landscape you have ever seen? .

What is one place you have always wanted to visit? .

What was your favorite vacation you went on as a child? .

Who were your favorite celebrities as a child? >> Jimmy Stewart, Matt Damon, David Duchovny. Celine Dion. What was the first CD you bought? .

How old are you? >> 36. What year were you born? >> I mean, do the math.

Did you go to prom? >> I did.

Are you jealous of people who are ten years younger? >> If there's one thing I'm never jealous of, it's people's ages.

If you could rewind time ten years, would you? >> Absolutely not. What do you miss the most about your past? >> I miss being less self-conscious. Less... aware. Of a lot of things.

What is the last song you played on repeat? .

Do you own a CD player? >> I do not.

What hard thing are you going through right now, if applicable? >> Oh, the usual... At what time of day do you usually feel the most energetic? >> It really just depends on how well I've slept, how regulated I am, etc. But assuming all those other pieces are in place, I generally feel the most energy in the midmorning hours.

[pure-ablution]

How do you make and save money?

It’s mostly about increasing your income, and then reducing how much of that income you actually need to spend. This is what I do. Not all of it is technically allowed because of my university’s employment rules, but I haven’t run into trouble yet. It’s not always fun to live frugally, but it allows me to indulge in the things that matter to me.

Increasing income:

I receive a termly stipend as part of my scholarships, covering my rent and utilities and leaving me with a little money left over.

I work at least one shift at the student bar per week, and usually receive tips.

I do part-time paid internships during term-time, and full-time paid internships in most holidays.

I work for my university by taking shifts in the libraries, and working with admissions and outreach.

I offer myself for some compensated research trials and surveys at my uni.

I do online tutoring, mostly to foreign highschoolers whose parents are willing to pay a fortune for my university’s name.

I work freelance in translation services and proofreading in my native languages. This pays by the word.

I offer basic beauty services (waxing, eyebrows, etc.), styling and tailoring/mending services to students at a reduced rate compared to local salons and tailors.

I sell PDF copies of my notes and lecture transcripts to students on my course, and very occasionally write essays for a higher fee.

I babysit/pet-sit/house-sit for my professors, neighbours, and other local families I know.

I receive occasional cash prizes for competitions.

I have some music and poetry published, and receive a little bit of money regularly as royalties.

I sell clothes etc. on behalf of people who are too old or lazy to use online secondhand sites, and take a portion of the cost.

I sell a few printables and some of my embroidery and other handicrafts on Etsy.

I take on any little ‘odd job’ offered to me. Last week I was paid £25 as an extra in a student film production.

I have a few investments, and I withdraw portions of the interest already generated if I feel I need to.

My parents send me a small amount of money every month (something like £75) specifically for groceries.

Reducing outgoings:

All of my tuition is covered by my scholarships, plus a single airfare to and from home per year.

I get all my fish free from my neighbour, and I eat a lot of it.

I get all my milk free, in exchange for doing the eyebrows of the girl who runs the dairy near me.

I buy the rejected fruit and vegetables from the greengrocer’s at the end of the day for a discount.

I buy rice and beans in bulk from the international market a few miles from my house.

I cook everything from scratch at home. Most meals I make come out at less than a £1 spend per portion, because I buy in bulk.

I walk everywhere, and I have a Railcard for when I need to use the train.

I pirate books and movies, or use my university’s libraries. I never, ever pay for books.

I always shop in sales or usually secondhand, and I’m really good at using discount codes.

I don’t bother with fancy salons. I do most of my cosmetic work myself, or I go to independent aestheticians who work from their houses.

I get a friends’ discount with the dry cleaning shop I use, because it’s run by the local monastery and I know most of the monks there.

I don’t have any subscriptions or monthly payments to anything except magazines. My phone and laptop were bought outright for me as a part of my scholarship agreement, and I don’t have a car or any streaming services.

I have a black and white television (the licensing charge for B&W in the UK is significantly lower than colour).

I use a cashback app whenever I buy anything online. It’s only a small percentage, but it adds up over time.

I never buy alcohol. There are more than enough events with free drinks in a student city.

Saturday brunch was recently swapped to a homemade brunch, so now I no longer pay for any meals out at all.

Most of my cleaning products are homemade in the way my grandmother taught me. All you really need is bar soap, white vinegar, lemon juice and a cheap bottle of bleach in your cleaning kit.

I never, ever forget to use my student discount.

[chaussur-blog]

Fuck you! (English translation)

So this is a comic that i made during the summer 21 (and thought out during the year before). So it's a lil old but i'm still very proud of it! I made it with watercolors, on paper of about 17cm x 17 cm.

The original is in French so if you understand it, you can find it: here.

There's the transcription of the text at the bottom of each page in case my handwriting is a lil hard to understand (original is paper, it was made more to be read like that)

Anyhow, enjoy!

Right that moment, i felt like dying

This meant, that some things had to change

Name change : Elliott

Delete these 28 contacts? yes / no

Reorientation : sociology - economy

Hi. I am non-binary. If you can’t respect that, please go to hell xoxo. Some people, 98 [redacted]

That’s why I am here !

University ♡

red hair / unconditional love for crop tops / emo 4 ever / uncertain gender expression / new in town / side-cut

Well. This year will at least be interesting

This precise second, my world exploded

I saw \*this girl - person\*

hair!! / nice smile / hypnotizing eyes / heck of a style/ real cool piercings

… and huge gay vibes

I needed a way, a pretext to talk to them, quickly

Fortunately, the universe wasn’t relying on my subtle flirting skills (& it’s fair)

Hi, do you know where the classroom is ? For orientation

I know where that is! I’ll show you. By the way, I’m Antoine.

Nice to meet you! I’m Elliott!

Little by little, we became pretty close

Coming!

A little too close

Fuck no

of course i wanna have sex with them but i really fucked up i want to have a romantic relationship with them too and this is not what they’re gonna think fuck

of course ; but not like that

solution 1 : talk about it (that’s the right one) / solution 2 : flee

yes ; i’m an asshole

What the hell?

Hi! I can’t be your sexfriend! Sorry (yesterday was fun tho)

Jerk.

Nothing matters anymore!

I am stupid

2 missed calls

Living in a world so cold, wasting away / Living in a shell with no soul, since you’ve gone away / Living in a world so cold, counting the days / Since you’ve gone away from me

Those were bad times.

Do not sit

I found shelter in books

and I, in a whole lot of things

Lectures were really awkward

But I wanted to explain.

Elliott!

Why are you talking to me?

I’m sorry. Can we talk ?

No, not really.

I really / screwed up.

Now is high time for my best coping mechanism

Hi! I’m Alice / I’m Leo! What do you do? / I study sociology and economy. / Could you explain inflation to me? Where do the money disappear to? / Let’s dance instead.

Sure!

Using strangers / Destroying myself

Bottoms-up

Elliott… / I haven’t seen you around, I’m worried about you

Talk to me.

Please let me give you my notes

Hi.

I'm sorry you have to see that, / Antoine

Okay. So you’re obviously feeling too bad for me to help you. But I’ll support you.

Everything will be alright. / There are several steps.

But firstly, do you see your current situation as a problem? / …Yes. / Are you ready,

To try to improve it? / Yes. / You’re sure? / Yes. I’m sick of living like this.

Neat! That was step 1

Thanks, Antoine

Step 2 is to clean your flat and keep it tidy enough

doing the dishes is better than piling them in your bathtub / air is great / changing your sheets, too / getting rid of the harmful stuff

Step 3: restructuring your days and getting rid of your bad habits

Every day: / hydrate eat (3 times) / go out at least once / rest, sleep / go to class & study

Every week: / plan meals / laundry / grocery shopping / do sport

uninstall Webtoons, Twitter and Instagram. / sober of self-harm (2 days) / quit alcohol and smoking / do sport / study, but not too much / journal

But Antoine was very clear: / We’re friends. We’ll see if we can be more when you get better.

There was one step left, last but not least: going to therapy

It took me time and energy. But it was worth it.

Thank you. / No problem, Elliott

Of course, I had some trouble

But Antoine helped me each time I asked him.

Sorry / Progress isn’t linear

That’s rich, prick

I feel much better, so I’m going to ask Antoine out. Well, that’s the plan

stressed out / black dye / attempt at a fancy outfit

Knock knock

Oh hi Elliott ! Looking very smart today!

Er…

Hi… Last time, we did not communicate very well. So I’d like to ask you properly, would you go on a date (with me)?

Of course, Eliott. / Glad to know that you are still interested.

and this date,

was the first of many,

and many other rendez-vous.

Thanks, the universe

***

If you're here i would really love for you to tell me that you read it / what you thought about it so please don't hesitate to! I hearing about it 🥰

And also you can find some more drawings of them on my Instagram: here.

But yeah, thank you, i send you much love, take care of yourself :)

[audelulu]

Covid Killed My Career

I think about my life before Covid a lot and how different my goals and aspirations were. I was still in my 20s, pursuing a career in what I thought was something I could really succeed in. I worked on events (creating them and also working them), was traveling cross country and getting paid to do it, and I felt like I really had a future in whatever it was I wanted to do next.

I drifted away from working solely in the music industry and photography but I stayed in the entertainment world. I was on track to do a lot of great things. Of course, that was before Covid hit. My goals and wants out of life were different and the trauma I endured was far less.

During the peak of covid, I watched a lot of folks suffer. I sat every day wondering if my dad would come back ill or if I would need to call a lawyer to bail him out of jail because they were rounding up any folks who were "out past curfew". I watched as POC got harassed and people who looked like me get accused of causing Covid. I was terrified that I'd get attacked going grocery shopping, so I concealed myself. Back then, when people still wore masks, this helped in making sure people didn't know what I looked like. I spent a good two years having anxiety and panic attacks, watching each attack happen through social media and the news. I had to explain to my new job why I didnt feel comfortable going into their very tiny office. Of course, they hadn't even considered that aspect because they were all white.

I had to pivot my career. I left one toxic work place after the next. I needed to move out because my mental health was suffering staying in environments that continued to disregard my boundaries. At this point in time, the only thing I was concerned about was "I need to make money with a remote job and I need to move out." For a minute it was fine, then I got laid off because I "didn't fit the culture" aka I refused to go into the office and brought up issues/questions which unfortunately didn't go with the flow and I simply was not interested in constantly hanging out with my coworkers.

I'm now at a job that's tolerable. It's probably the best I'm going to have in this climate. Nobody masks really and I still have to go in 1-2 days a week but at least the commute isn't too far and they don't question where I work from. It's not ideal but it's okay for right now.

It's not safe for me to be traveling due to covid, racism, misogyny, etc. I just don't think sacrificing my health is worth that anymore. I'm watching my best friend die a slow death due to long covid. I have learned there is much more than hustle culture. I don't want to BE working but if I had to - I wish I could have continued pursuing my past life..before covid. I slowly watched people pull away because they wanted to go back living their normal lives. Even completely cut me off because they didn't want to hear about it anymore, or about human rights issues, or about how absolutely fucked we are or how society has given up on the disabled/immunocompromised community.

It's sad. But I mourn the career and life I could have had. The version of me that was different than what I am now. I think a lot of people may share in this notion. All this to say - none of this truly matters. A death to a career I would have had is small fry compared to what else is happening but it still makes me sad that it could have come to fruition if the world, our governments and the powers that be didn't fail us.

[hibernationsuit-remade]

Hey, Toby! -- Why were you named the way you were? Is there a special meaning behind your name (or middle name if applicable)?

Are you happy in your own skin? If you could change something about yourself, would you, and what would it be?

And Clara -- What's something you care desperately about? Something that you just couldn't live without?

And What's usually on your shopping list?

thank you!!!!

in character ask game

Toby:

Why were you named the way you were? Is there a special meaning behind your name (or middle name if applicable)?

"Hi there! That's a very funny question, because it was me who chose my name! It took me so long to find a name that I actually liked and that somehow suited me, that I was already starting to feel like it's impossible to find one. One morning I was reading a book during breakfast and saw this name, 'Tobias'. After thinking about it for a moment I realized it fit like a glove. Love it very much, never regretted choosing it."

"My middle name is the same as the one my parents gave me. It can be used as both feminine and masculine, so I don't mind. Never asked them why they chose it, or if there's any meaning behind it, but it does sound cool. Though, I've had enough of mermaid jokes."

Are you happy in your own skin? If you could change something about yourself, would you, and what would it be?

"I've already answered this a while ago, but yes! I mean, while there are many things I maybe don't like or don't enjoy, they're still part of me, so there's no really a reason to start changing them."

---

Klara:

What's something you care desperately about? Something that you just couldn't live without?

"I just can't start my mornings without reading the news first. Some people have told me many times that it's really not a good idea unless you want to get your mornings ruined by all the bad things, but I just really can't start my day without hearing what's happening in the world. It's very important, after all, especially when you're a specialist in sustainability, and work in a place where all kinds of information about the world is important."

"My favorite part though is finding some good, happy news and then telling them to Tobias once he gets out of bed. He's also something I can't see myself without. Just didn't want to say it as the first thing because that's too cliché, don't you think?"

What's usually on your shopping list?

"Small amount of groceries, we rarely cook. Can't tell who is worse at it. Mostly some fruits and vegetables, pasta, eggs and some other kind of protein. I've been loving different kind of nuts lately, and mushrooms! Then maybe something sweet, I tend to buy chocolate cookies whenever it's my turn to decide what to buy. Oh!!! And ice cream."

"Non food related things are bubble gum or those pastilles you're supposed to eat after meals. I sometimes tend to just simply eat them while working at home instead of getting snacks, so we run out quite fast. Then of course, whatever hygiene related thing we may be running out, notebooks, hair ties and socks. Have you seen how poor quality socks are nowadays? They get holes almost right away and it's so annoying. Oh and the notebooks? I tend to plan out everything and write so many notes that I might fill one notebook in less than a month. Oops."

[bitebitesnap]

What would either twin be like as a papa. With like a little mini me of them following them around?

h-how long have you been in here-

Ingo

He's unsure at first. Him? You want him? The subway man, the battle line boss-you want that as father to your children? Wouldn't you want someone more...deserving? He can barely keep his brother in line and you still want him to sire you?

Shut him up before he overthinks himself to death.

Though he hesitated your eagerness definitely gets him down the right path soon enough, muttering the filthiest things into your ears as you cum on his cock.

And it works. Months down the line he's a proud father of a little girl, her locks streaked with silver.

Somehow he's still a little nervous despite everything, but you can tell he's going to be fine. He holds her very closely as an infant, multitasking between helping you with the cooking and doing random chores all over the apartment.

Emmet being your neighbor helps keep his nerves in check. He doesn't have to bounce between worrying over his daughter and keeping Emmet from causing some kind of work riot-you laugh but it nearly happened when they were depot agents.

It quickly becomes apparent how much of a Daddy's girl she is once she's old enough to walk. She's around him so much you fear she won't be able to ever make it to kindergarten-which ends up becoming true, to your grief. Ingo is called to pacify the little girl and he even shows up in his uniform, something she's immediately taken to. He ends up leaving his hat with her because she took it and he couldn't bear to part her from it.

He ends up taking her to work a lot. She's fascinated by the trains- though not to the extent the twins are-but is more so enthralled by the way her father acts within the station. Everyone listens to what he has to say, how he can simply enter a conversation without so much as a 'hello' to enforce the strict rules of the station.

She gets so immersed by the command her father has that she interjects during a passenger complaint about how legendaries aren't allowed on the rails no matter how small so a Celibi counts as an infraction, though she cowers behind Ingo's leg the moment their attention is on her.

All Ingo does is glance back at the passenger with a blank stare, "Well? You heard the lady."

Emmet

Emmet isn't too sure about kids. Not because he doesn't want them, of course! It's just that....his face...his voice...

He's terrified that he might be too much, that his voice will be scary or that his face won't reflect his feelings. He could never imagine forcing a child to go through with having only one parent love them....are you sure?

Coax him gently, make him comfortable with the idea. He can handle the rest.

And he can definitely handle it-it doesn't take even a month before you've been thoroughly bred on every surface. Soon enough he's gifted with the smallest little boy, stark white hair plastered to his pale face.

Albino, that's what the doctor said. If he wasn't certain then the pink eyes would be evidence enough. He didn't even know they had albino genes in their family tree, let alone that he was a carrier. Drayden confirms it later when he calls him-apparently they have a distant cousin who's also albino. Who knew?

Don't tell him that his silver hair was probably a hint towards it, he'll deny it and say he's just special.

He may be afraid of how his face sits permanently in one expression, but even people who don't know him can see the sheer amount of love he has for his little boy. It's not so much in his face so much as his hands- he keeps his attention on him at all times. If you're going somewhere, he's going too. Grocery shopping? He's carrying the bags. To the theater? He's watching over your son while you go out-you want him to come with? He's sitting in the special booth for younger kids in the back.

He dotes on him so much the boy becomes attached to him like glue. You're never separating them, not without a lot of effort and tears at first. He's terribly shy, you come to know, partly because Emmet keeps doing all the talking for him.

He goes so far as to follow him to work-more accurately, Emmet carries him to the station and then refuses to put him down. At every given opportunity he's burying his face into the lapels of his uniform, sometimes with Emmet simply allowing him to hide under his coat against his chest.

There are the rare times when he lets the boy follow him on his own and many agents will argue those are the best. His stride shortens drastically, pace slowed to a near crawl as the boy hides beneath his coattail. It's not uncommon to find him simply standing near the rails completely stationary, his son close at hand with his little hands gripping his slacks while watching the train whip down the rails. His features are surprisingly placid, the smile on his face calm and natural. Until something happens that drags his attention away at least, then he's off at a pace with a white haired shadow at his heels.

Don't try to insult or interact with his boy if you're being difficult. He will punch you.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Christmas Shopping

My friends have told me that the working from home has really been doing me very obvious good. Which I entirely agree with. Just one minor problem with feeling better: it’s easier to forget that there are still limitations.

My mother finally gave me some ideas for things for the parentals for Christmas. I mean, their primary want was for me to not spend too much money, which was going to happen anyway. Seriously, all I wanted was some indications of what sorts of flavours they like so I could maybe make them things. And if my stepfather was actually good with consumables this year because last year was “EVERYONE got me food last year; please stop”. Apparently the ban on food for my stepfather has been lifted this year. So I finally found out that my mother’s into caramel these days and as for my stepfather ... well, we wanted something that they never get because my mother hates it but my stepfather likes it, so it essentially came down to peanut butter.

All of this? Necessitated a shopping trip. I needed to go out for pain meds and probably some antihistamines anyway--

Oh yeah, did I mention that I’ve now developed something called dyshidrotic ezcema on my hands - well, technically only on my right hand, which is really annoying - and now I have itchy, painful bumps along most of the fingers. The websites recommended antihistamines to help the itching, so I’m doing that. Still, this is my life. Yaaaaaaaaay.

--right, so,needed the big Sainsbury’s with its equally big pharmacy section and pharmacy counter. I knew it was going to be bad. I knew it was going to be crowded. But I was feeling pretty good so I thought, yeah, okay, I can handle this.

As I went through the various bits of shopping, I realised that this would henceforth be known as Mistake Number One. Because I was getting ingredients for two different types of fudge and cookies (I mean, okay, three-ingredient peanut butter cookies, but still), and meds, and a couple of gifts (my mother’s birthday is tomorrow, I’m meeting her for dinner on Tuesday, and I was going to just give her a keyring but there were these little unicorn-shaped Christmas tree lights and she collects unicorns and they were on sale so those are for her birthday and the resin keyring I made for her will be part of the Christmas present), and some kitchen essentials, and some groceries to tide me over during the holiday period. The expense of it was manageable. The weight? Oof. But I didn’t have that many options. I have no illusions that there’s going to be a grocery delivery slot available any time before the New Year.

So that was a not-very-fun hour or so. People standing indecisive in front of things I wanted and refusing to move. People parking their trolleys in the middle of the aisle. People shoving their carts around with their eyes on the shopping list on their phones instead of the people they were about to hit with their carts (seriously, one of them was going backwards while she did this). And then, of course, not only was the bus crowded but this one lady insisted on barging in front of me and taking up the priority seats so that I had to haul myself up onto one of the higher seats and precariously balance way too much shopping. And on top of all of that? It was raining. I mean, at least the temperature’s above freezing now. Just ... not very high above freezing. If it freezes overnight, we’re going to have a bigger black ice problem than we already do. Doesn’t look like it’s going to, though; in fact, looks like it’s going to go into the double digits by tomorrow, the temperature!

...I normally like it when it snows. Disability and this country’s horrific energy tariffs have broken me, apparently.

Anyway, point is that I Got Shit Done. I got:

Some Thess’ Kitchen Essentials, mostly enough fixings for tuna broccoli lemon pasta for quite some time (low on broccoli, but that was too much to contemplate so I’ll have to go out to one of the smaller grocery stores tomorrow) but also stuff like vegetable oil (FUCK that got expensive) and coffee

A chunk of lamb breast for roasting - probably Christmas Eve dinner - and some potatoes to have with it

The unicorn-shaped Christmas lights, and a box of sample-sized speciality liqueurs for Mum

Another box of the same speciality liqueurs because I found a recipe for microwave boozy fudge so I figure I’ll make her some salted caramel vodka fudge and I can have espresso martini fudge

Fixings for various types of fudge for both parentals and three-ingredient peanut butter cookies for David. This involved a fair bit of sugar, some eggs, two tins of sweetened condensed milk, butter, and the aforementioned peanut butter in a big damn jar

A couple of treats for me (gluten-free chocolate chip cookies, some gummy sweets, some cola)

Just imagine what that was like to lug home.

So yeah, I did a stupid thing and now I am paying for it. I feel accomplished, even if I do also feel in immense pain. Now I’m just going to sit and whimper for awhile. At least I won’t have to do quite that much again until the New Year, when there won’t be any particular reason to rush a grocery shop.