#thought i was having a medical issue but no

[januaryembrs]

hot chocolate!

(last one i promise)

reader & spencer who aren’t exactly enemies but they’re def not friends but reader always double checks if spencer’s fbi vest is secured correctly which in return makes spencer check her over as well and they’re always like ‘stop checking up on me and worry about your own safety’ and it just happens every single time and they swear up and down that they dislike eachother deeply (they need to make out)

BANE OF MY EXISTENCE | Spencer Reid x reader

description: Spencer hates you, and you hate him, until it comes to protecting each other in the field

length: 0.7k

His fingers wound through the back of your vest as you made a move to dart past him, trailing after Hotch as you loaded your glock. 

You felt a yank at your neck, his obnoxiously long arms giving you a firm tug back with little to no effort, all but making you stumble backwards as he forced you to stop, and his fingers were at your hip, adjusting the strap before you could ask him just exactly what he was doing. 

“Wha- Reid, let go, my vest is fine,” You snapped, huffing when he ignored you, in the interest of fixing your belt, his brow turned down into a frown. 

“Don’t come crying to me when you get shot in abdomen and suddenly you’re bleeding out, and you lay there and thinking, dang if only the smart FBI would have told me to adjust my kevlar, and I’ll be right there to point and laugh and say I told you so,” He huffed, his fingers making light work of the fiddly strap, tightening it until he couldn’t see a single inch of your shirt to the point he heard your breathing constrict, but he thought he’d rather you be a little uncomfortable than shot. 

“I mean, if I’m laying bleeding out I won’t really have much to say other than, Reid, get medical, I think they hit something serious, please don’t come to my funeral, you were insufferable enough when I was living,” You said, allowing your body to be tugged back as he started on the other side, because there was no use fighting it when he got in those moods when he always needed to be right. 

He paused, his brain catching up to your words and he drew in a silent breath, wondering if the other side of your jacket needed tightening even more, or better yet, if there was any way Hotch would make you stay in the car as back up. 

Spencer yanked the strap with a vendetta, ignoring the way you whined it was too tight, and his lips pursed together. 

“Would you relax, I was clearly kidding,” You said, thinking his mood had come from your teasing, because you seemed to know exactly what to say to push every one of his buttons, “What I would probably be thinking however is if you’ll be able to flag down a medic with your shoelaces untied,”

His gaze snapped to his converse, and sure enough the double knot he relied on seemed to have failed him, and his strings were hazard material as they dragged along the pavement, already mucky where they’d probably been undone for hours. 

“Make sure you do them before we move in, I’m not carrying your bone head out of there if we start taking hits and you trip over your own feet,” You snipped, and he finally released you, immediately leaning down to fix his own issues, completely missing the way your eyes trailed down to make sure he did the loops tight enough because you were being serious when you said it would loathe you to be the one to carry him away from the danger, though probably not in the way he thought. 

He huffed, standing back to his full height and giving his feet a wiggle in their shoes to make sure they were comfortable, and he looked back at you where you were watching him carefully, catching the split second where something close to worry pooled in your eyes. 

It snapped back into your usual cold demeanour when you realised he was looking straight at you, and you whirled you keep your back to him, inspecting your loaded gun some more as a way to busy yourself. 

“Try not to miss, it doesn’t look good on the reports when I have to save your ass twice,” Spencer snarked, and he practically heard the scoff before you even gave it. 

“That was one time, Reid, and it was only cause I couldn’t see past your stupid fluffy hair. You’re a cop, Reid, not a poodle, you don't need that much volume,” You snapped back, the two of you squabbling the entire walk to the building, until Hotch separated you for the sake of his growing headache. 

He just wished you two would talk things out before he seriously considered Emily’s proposition of locking you in the broom closet together.

[ghettogirly]

[🕷️] 𝐀𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐎 𝐀𝐑𝐄𝐓𝐀𝐒 𝐀𝐒 𝐀 𝐁𝐎𝐘𝐅𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐃: 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐔𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐒!

authors note: please reblog and like so others can see! Hope you enjoy!!

[🕷️] 𝐐𝐔𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄:

🕷️ - He would be very keen on spending time together one on one especially during his time in the cartel where it’s unknown if there will be another tomorrow.

🕷️- I think he would love staying inside his villa with you and enjoying a nice home meal while watching a movie.

🕷️- He would love giving you self defence lessons and training you in the gym, especially since that’s his element. This man would have a whole training and diet plan already made for you.

🕷️- Armando would try take you out every now and then, maybe to go shopping or for a nice dinner just to give you a feeling of a relatively normal life. He wouldn’t do this often though, probably only doing this for anniversaries as he wouldn’t want to place you in any danger.

🕷️- He would enjoy coming back home after some business he had to handle whether that was securing a deal or carrying out an execution, to see you sleeping in your shared bed. This would give him a sense of security and also spend some quality time of sleeping together.

[🕷️] 𝐏𝐇𝐘𝐒𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐋 𝐓𝐎𝐔𝐂𝐇:

🕷️- He would not be someone to do public display of affection. The thought of someone seeing him be vulnerable with you would probably cause trouble.

🕷️- The only display of affection he would do would be longing stares at you if you walk past him, sneaky winks or he would hold your fingertips as you talk to him, making sure to hold eye contact with you.

🕷️- It would be a struggle at first to make him initiate affection as he grew up without parents. An incarcerated mother and a dad he grew up to hate? A whole lot of issues.

🕷️- However, he would eventually warm up to the idea.

🕷️-Behind closed doors, he would love wrapping his arms around you and hugging you as it gives him the satisfaction of protecting you.

🕷️- He would also love giving you slow, passionate kisses. (depending on his mood) The type to make you and him both, longing for more.

🕷️- however if he’s angry, you already know he’s going to be grabbing your face and forcing you into a heated, passionate kiss. His hands exploring your body as he releases his frustrations.

[🕷️] 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍:

🕷️- He would openly compliment your superficial things such as your clothes, hair or makeup.

🕷️- However, getting something beneath the surface level for him would be tough.

🕷️- He’s overly critical and cynical of the world, believing evil things happen to everyone and that you never really know someone’s true self.

🕷️- However, his perception quickly changed when he met you.

🕷️- You showed him something different, a breath of fresh air. He loved the way you carried yourself, holding yourself with grace but not hesitant to assert yourself.

🕷️- One day he would say, “I really admire your character baby.”

🕷️- You would look at him in shock, not hearing those words before and quite frankly caught off guard at his sensitive words. Nevertheless you would smile and reply, “I learnt it all from you.”

[🕷️] 𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐕𝐈𝐂𝐄

🕷️- This wouldn’t really be a big one for him.

🕷️- I believe he would expect you to be able to do things for yourself, he wouldn’t be able to care for you, himself and his cartel as well. He would get frustrated at your lack of ability to be able to care for yourself.

🕷️- However, if you ever get hurt or sick you can bet on it that he’s taking care of you.

🕷️- He wouldn’t let anyone help you, only him.

🕷️- He would change your dressings or help you take your medication. Even bring you soup for your sore throat.

🕷️- He would help clean up around the bedroom and help you do basic tasks again.

🕷️- He has maids for the rest, so what’s the point.

[🕷️] 𝐆𝐈𝐅𝐓 𝐆𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐆:

🕷️- Armando wouldn’t really get you surprise gifts, he would much prefer to give you money and allow you to buy your own.

🕷️- He would surprise you with an amount of cash and then you can buy what you want.

🕷️- Sometimes he’ll come back with a new necklace for you that has his initials or the name of his cartel, just to let other know that you’re claimed.

🕷️- If it was your birthday, you can bet the whole mansion would be decorated and there would be a private jet awaiting you, ready to take you on a holiday resort.

[velvetvexations]

in my opinion, the problem with transmisogyny exempt (tme) / transmisogyny affected (tma) as terms is that, in practice, it works backwards. it Assumes that only amab people who are mtf or mtx are transmisogyny affected, rather than simply being a term for anyone who can or does experience transmisogyny.

which causes issues Both because it became a new way to ask nonbinary people what's in their pants (the Same issue with how agab language can be used against nonbinary people)

And because these aren't the only groups that can experience transmisogyny. they're the Main groups of course (the ones the term is named after), but they aren't the Only ones.

there are afab intersex people who overtly experience transmisogyny because of the way that they look, some who consider themselves cis women and some who don't. there are multi-gender and genderfluid and agender people who medically transition and present in ways that aren't cleanly binary. who mix masculine and feminine traits in ways that get them interpreted as all sorts of things. there are trans men and trans masc who are gnc, before during and after medically transitioning, who will share traits with trans women.

and the argument in response to that is Usually something along the lines of "sure these groups Can experience transmisogyny, but it's Misdirected. they're not the Main Groups who experience transmisogyny so the term shouldn't be for them."

and the thing about that is ! we already Have the terms "transmisogyny" and "trans woman" and "trans fem." we Have words to talk about the issues that these groups of people face. so it confuses me that we've created a term that Specifically means "everyone who is affected by transmisogyny," that apparently Doesn't include Everyone Who Is Affected By Transmisogyny.

I feel like the term tma could be Useful as an all-inclusive term. to talk about the affect transmisogyny has on All people, without specifying any specific kind of person. but as is the only point I see it used for is cutting people Out of conversations.

the problem with "tma" is that it comes packaged with "tme." gender and sex and presentation and identity are Messy, people who are very different on paper often share spaces and experiences with each other. and being squeamish about that fact, about having to Share with people who are different from you, is often directly what leads to exclusionism.

bigots don't care if you're Really a trans woman or not, they just see someone who's visibly Other in a way they don't like and treat you accordingly. so to decide that a whole group of people is Exempt from being interpreted as a trans woman by a bigot misses the point.

straight people can be Affected by homophobia, whether that straight person is cis and perisex and allo or trans and intersex and aro/ace. and it doesn't hurt anyone to acknowledge that the same is true for transphobia and transmisogyny (or transandrophobia or exorsexism)

This is all really, really well said and you put a lot of thought into dissecting this inside and out, it's a really good analysis of why and how it doesn't work. I think ultimately it comes down to the fact that this vocabulary does not actually exist to solve any problems in the first place.

[ingydar-g-phan]

Happy birthday Dan. I found you at a very, very low point in my life. It’s funny, because that point was only a few months ago. March 3rd. March 3rd. Jesus Christ. I was dealing with severe bullying, depression, hopelessness, isolation, gender dysphoria (i have been out/socially transitioned for like 5 years), and most of all, loneliness. I had a circle of about 3 friends who i talked to regularly, but only 1 i even saw in person more than once per year. Then, two of those 3 people began having relationship issues and were on the verge of breaking up. I felt like i was a bother, a burden to their already existing issues. Every single day I’d walk into school, put my headphones on, and not talk to a single person. I’d read, sleep, listen to music, dissociate, and sleep some more throughout the day just to distract myself from everything. From class, from parents, from the outside, everything. I fully and truly believed everyone besides those 3 people hated me. They found me disgusting, annoying, taking up space, and simply didn’t want me there. I think that is true to an extent, but i don’t like how i was just letting that be how it is. My dad was genuinely hopeless, he told me to just ride it out and if i could try to be just a little bit normal-er, maybe i wouldn’t be ignored by every person every day. That didn’t work. Instead, i decided to do some self work. Or rather, my dad stopped intruding on my free time which allowed me to still be awake and do things i wanted to do in peace. I thought, “Dan and Phil….those two emo guys with the cat whiskers….i have such a vague memory of a friend mentioning them or scrolling across a post of them, who even are they?”. I typed into the YouTube search bar “Dan and Phil”. A gaming channel? Are these people streamers? Oh god (i did not know you were one of us 🏳️‍🌈….or british…..). I watched one video. Now, ACCORDING TO YOUTUBE HISTORY, i somehow watched What Dan And Phil Text Each Other 4 as my first video. Not even the gaming channel, i don’t know how this happened maybe YouTube is lying to me. Whatever. Ok so which ones Dan and which ones Phil? Why do they look SO different? They’re British? I started watching Dan and Phil edits on TikTok. Ok, i know who you are, i get the vibes. Oh, coming out timeline? Gaming channel timeline and hiatus? Reacting to PINOF? On March 13, i watched Basically I’m Gay and Coming Out To You. It took me an entire month from then to watch Why I Quit YouTube. By late April, i was in it. I was watching Dan or Phil every day. Before, during, and/or after school. Since then, I’ve purchased YWGTTN (limited edition signed updated paperback). It was 38 fucking dollars in USD but it was worth it. I also now own TATINOF and DAPGO, one of which is signed by Phil, i bought second hand. So yes, now this is my new thing. But you know what else? I was getting happier. I was going to more concerts. I was doing my schoolwork, or at least trying to. I was reading!!!! I’ve since finished The Secret History. I made a friend; reconnected with an old childhood friend and started eating lunch together and hanging out and having shared trauma dump sessions, and we are so so close now. My two friends broke up, but it’s ok. I’m best friends with one of them and he’s so much better off, and the other and i are still casual friends!! I value them both for the multiple years I’ve known them. I’ve taken family vacations and done religious holidays with genuine care while getting to reconnect with my family. I’ve very passionately finished acting in a musical that I’ve put so much care into for about 5 months. I’m graduating tomorrow!!! And me and my close friend will be going to a concert tomorrow night afterwards, and I’m going to have a great summer where i see my close friend who i haven’t seen IRL since March of 2023. I’m getting closer with my dad and seeing a new therapist. I am having medical problems as of right now, but i would 100% be lying in bed crying and skipping graduation had i not found a reason to enjoy my days.

Did i just take one sentence referencing Dan to write a whole autobiography on tumblr? Yes, but also no. Dan and Phil are real people. They really do rescue pigeons named Steve and getting 10 sauces for their pizza and say hi across the city with binoculars. But they also genuinely have an impact on people, and they see that, and they LIKE to see that. I don’t think Dan will see this post. But I’m making it anyway. For me.

I love Dan so much. I cried twice while watching We’re All Doomed in my kitchen. I have actively watched Dan and Phil videos while crying at school. Once, in my bedroom, i was having a panic attack. I had an overwhelming rush of thoughts around 10 or 11 at night about how worthless i am and how terrible everything was going. I opened my tiktok, and there was THE edit that saved me. It was a video of fetus Dan on YouNow talking about his dream home. And then it was cutting back and forth to the Phouse. Then, Dans hopeful monologue in Basically I’m Gay. Finally, Dans hopeful monologue in We’re All Doomed. All of this in a softly shaky screen with sad music behind it. I cried a lot. This aspect of my life means so much to me. I think about the Halloween 2023 baking video at least 5 times a day (and sister Daniel’s….uhm….legs…). I am still so mad i did not buy the satanic Craft shirts. I just rewatched Dans interview last year with Anthony Padilla just because of how goddamn much I’m obsessed with that angle of Dan with his cute chin and cheeks and fucking dimple. I think about Dans bluntness in his defined-self and truly feel inspired to be like him. I look at his change over the years, his comfortability in his body, seeing that his face and neck are shaped like my face and neck, and he’s fucking beautiful. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable in my weight if not for Dan Howell, and i mean that so insanely sincerely. I read Dans book whenever I’m feeling hopeless and need a soft sexy British man to tell me the scientific reasoning behind why i feel this way and to assure me he’s felt worse. I’m so serious when i say i cannot imagine a day of my life without Dan and Phil. I truly don’t understand how i lived before or how I’d expect to live without it. “Live”, in the sense of find a way of life, not as in “stay alive.” I can’t imagine a day without those big brown boba eyes and that cute dimple and mainly that calming voice that reminds me someone else has felt this way. That reminds me love is possible. That reminds me i have so much ahead of me, so much life and love and joy.

Phil’s birthday stream may be my favorite piece of Dan and Phil media, or at least one of them. I find it so comforting and wholesome and beautiful and hilarious. I have such high hopes for Dans birthday stream. Until then, I’ll be working on my long-awaited (still very very unfinished) 2009!Dan and Phil art piece within my art initiative (pinned on my profile) (just for funsies, no money or anything involved). I’m going to sit there at 3pm (my time) and watch with a huge smile on my face to see my amazing dads spend the time of their lives being sexy and old and happy and disgustingly homosexual while i just embrace all you’ve done for me.

Happy birthday Dan

@danielhowell

[idontknowreallywhy]

Resurface 27 - Resurrect

(Story so far)

I mentioned a bit of a rollercoaster before the end didn’t I…?

Sorry Allie…

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

Day seven of being dosed up on haloperidol and Virgil felt like a bear woken midway through hibernation by the smell of bacon. Everything but his stomach and that nagging sense of the world moving on outside without him was dragging him back towards blissful slumber. And yet he was SO VERY BORED of lying around doing nothing and that made him moody and petulant… in a drowsy, ineffective kind of way.

Grandma wouldn’t even let him have proper coffee, and no amount of the insipid-brown, barely-caffeinated dishwater he was given in its stead even touched the edges of the lethargy.

It was displeasing.

He’d had a couple of short holocall chats with a Dr George Clifford, highly recommended by Patricia who was consultant psychiatrist to half his family. Scott and Gordon were both keen he talk to Patricia herself, both clearly of the view the woman had Powers unavailable to the rest of humanity. John and Grandma were less convinced it would be appropriate. For Virgil’s part - the idea of talking about Scott to someone who Scott had actually properly talked to, who likely knew more about Scott than he ever would? Well it made his teeth itch.

Clifford seemed to know his stuff, however. He’d been unfazed by the sleepiness and unfinished sentences and had given emphatic reassurance as to Virgil’s prospects of a full recovery PROVIDED he addressed the issues that triggered both episodes. The conditional element made the reassurance hard to swallow, emphatic or otherwise, but he’d nodded and said he’d make a start.

When he was properly awake and able to form coherent sentences anyway. Which felt like it might be never the way this was going.

Scott had seemed to understand the caffeine-deprived rant about how the infirmary made him want to systematically remove his own skin and took pity. Eyeballing anyone who might possibly object (well, Grandma, and she just smiled knowingly) big brother had escorted Virgil slowly upstairs so he could at least be Ursus Iratus by the pool rather than stuck in the bowels of the earth.

It seemed to be working. The edges remained fuzzy and grey but the bright sunlight and the sound of the sea were bringing the majority of his brain back online. He began to wonder if, finally, he might be able to hold a train of thought long enough to have a half-decent conversation.

He glanced over at Scott who hurriedly switched on his trademark Encouraging Smile and tried to pretend the Troubled Eyebrows hadn’t been deployed in Virgil’s direction seconds before.

Virgil bit his lip and tried to hide the sigh. He certainly wasn’t ready for That Conversation yet. Nor was he entirely sure what it was going to be about… exactly… except that clearly Something had been said that he couldn’t remember and his brother was chewing it over like a starving coyote might keep returning to Grandma’s meatloaf surprise…

Selfishly, at the moment, Virgil didn’t really want to know. Well he did, in the same kind of morbid way one pokes at a wound. But he didn’t have the mental energy to know. Last time he’d been this sick he’d done something awful and his relationship with Dad hadn’t ever quite been the same afterwards. The idea that the same could happen with one of his brothers? If he even started to think about it a nausea roiled that he knew had nothing to do with the medication and everything to do with the what if he’d ruined everything?

Maybe if they left it long enough he’d never have to find out?

Ha. He snorted softly. As if Scott and his mental cyclone would ever let something he was worried about slide with time.

Virgil himself was possibly not a brilliant example of someone able to let the past stay in the past either.

Maybe it was genetic?

A distinctly Alan-flavoured screech of rage pierced the humidity of the afternoon and it seemed as if even the seabirds swooping over Mateo were silenced in shock.

Virgil and Scott looked at each other across the pool, the quirked eyebrows of amusement wavered simultaneously as a quieter voice drifted out from the kitchen, quieter but urgent, soft but tainted with panic:

“Breathe! Allie, please it’s ok… please, look just wait. Let me help… no, put it down! Let go, please you’re hurting…”

The first time Virgil was really aware he’d moved was when his shoulder collided painfully with Scott’s as they both tried to run through the narrow doorway at once. The reinforced glass continued to shudder with the echo of that mistake as they remembered how to work together, spun 90 degrees and sidestepped smoothly through into what seemed to be an entirely empty room.

The expected kerfuffle was strikingly absent - all was as it should be. All except for the bright yellow smoothie crawling across the counter top and the gleaming red spots splattered across the tiled floor.

“Alan?! Gordon?!” There was a fragile edge to the Commander’s voice that usually didn’t appear until many hours into an overwhelming Situation. The response came from low behind the kitchen island:

“Could do with a little help over here, Scotty…”

Gordon sounded pale.

That was enough to galvanise Virgil into action and firing on perhaps 3 out of four engines he took one barefooted step forward, noting absently how the floor sparkled brilliantly in the sunlight…

Scott yelped and pulled him backwards, nearly toppling the both of them.

“Glasssssssssssssss…”

The elongated hiss persisted as Scott’s mind raced for a solution and sidelined irrelevant concerns like finishing words.

“Stay.”

Even at full capacity Virgil couldn’t have disobeyed that tone of command.

Scott pressed Virgil’s shoulders down as if trying to ensure his feet were properly glued to the ground and then ducked back outside. A little mild cursing preempted the contents of the pool toy cupboard flying out on to the deck and within moments the two largest foam floats returned though the door, closely followed by his brother. The first quickly became a path to the far side of the counter and the other was flung to the floor only a split second before Scott’s knees landed on top of it with a strangled “ALLIE, WHAT THE HELL?!”

Virgil crawled along the mat as quickly as he could and peered over Scott’s shoulder to see Gordon, jaw set hard and his hands clamped around Alan’s wrists. Their baby brother, colourless and trembling clutched the jagged remains of a tumbler in his bloody fists. He looked up into Virgil’s face, gasped and whimpered:

“‘m so sorry, Virgil, I’m so so sorry.”

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[pommigranite]

pov you just finished watching one of @tapakah0's animatics and now you have to kinda just live in the world for the rest of your life and also draw like five different things but irrelevant

moving turtle drawings make heart hurty in the best way

tapa your work is superbly skillful, and please remember to take breaks and take care of yourself <3 (dont mess up your wrist like i did lol)

[rowrowronnie]

it would be quite funny if the blu medic was also their collective therapist

[mozzaremi]

[greyaugustuspoetry]

Young Blood

It broke through the flood gates

Bite your check and feel that pain

It builds up the damn down the way

Choke it down and shut it up

No one wants to hear your shame

It’s starting to explode?

That sucks just for you

Screw the cap back on right

Or you’ll scare away the view

Cry yourself to sleep little one

It’s the only time you can

And if that doesn’t console you

Go put your head in the sand

No one gives a fuck

Not even god

They made you this way

Didn’t they son?

Get on your knees

And start to scream

Grab at the stars

And see if they bleed

I’m sorry young blood but this is the truth of it all

So shut up and smile

Swallow all those pills

Because it tames the beast and keeps you still

Yeah no one gives a shit

Except for you and you alone

And maybe the man behind that heavy telephone

Don’t let this escape from that black hole

That lives in that malnourished gut

Everything is fine , fine, fine

That’s what you must tell them all

Because no matter if you let this go

There’s no room for it in the space outside your own

Do you think this is a game?

Because it never was to me

Life is a cycle

And we got stuck in it’s spree

There’s no space on that paper anymore

You ran out of pages

From the day you were three

That’s when the monsters started to breath

Get on your knees

And start to confide

In nothing at all

Because you know it’s all a lie

I’m sorry young blood but this is the truth of it all

So shut up and smile

Swallow all those pills

Because it tames the beast and keeps you still

-Grey Augustus

[pallanophblargh]

I think part of me expected this burnout would last a long time, but it’s drawing close to a year now. I have a strong reason to suspect medications are prolonging it. Granted: I have no intention of stopping medication, but I suspect I may need to make some changes. It’s been nice not to feel burning rage/crippling despair/panic most of the time, but I also miss being able to actually... act on things! Start things! Feel some semblance of motivation, as fleeting as it is. Mostly my reaction to prompts of any kind are “nah, don’t wanna” or “so what?” which isn’t terribly conducive to anything more than day to day life. (Y’all, I can’t even reliably plan my vacation and that’s pretty terrible.)

I’m saying this in part as a sort of explanation as to why I’ve been so slow to respond to anything, or post any art, or even re-open commissions this past year. I just... generally can’t make myself do anything that isn’t a part of my daily maintenance routine. Knowing that making art (even personal art) takes 3x times as long to complete is a standout reason I’ve been refusing to reopen commissions especially, since I’d be unwilling to make clients wait more than a few months for even something as simple as a sketch. People were patient enough with “Old Me,” I don’t think most would hold out for “New Me.”

Thankfully I’m speaking to my doctor tomorrow regarding my experiences on the current medication, and maybe I can find something that works a little better. I feel like I’ve been pretty fortunate so far, all things considered, and my side effects have been fairly mild. (Though I have suspicions it’s also thinning out my hair something fierce... probably time for supplements for that issue!)

Hopefully I’ll figure it out sooner rather than later? Either way, I’m learning to accept things as they are these days. 

[no-light-left-on]

at what point is it acceptable to start posting about my 2 million whaler children

[writterings]

shit man im going to england!!! im going to london in a few weeks!!!!!! fuck yeah!!!!!

[moeblob]

Hello! I'm here with ~another~ text post!

I unfortunately had assumed "ah yes, The Anxiety" has been my problem recently but in fact, no. It was The Depression! (or a combo, super likely!) Due to this, I will be taking a brief mental break from posting art here. The break may be three days, might be a week. Truly a mystery even to me.

I will be drawing daily so when I return I should have multiple pictures to show off which I will separate in posts by fandom. Drawing really helps calm me down unless I get to the point where it feels like a performance obligation which it currently feels like.

I appreciate your patience and I hope to be okay enough to be back soon.

(also, my ask box on this blog has been disabled until I return)

[jennifersbod]

my doctor, after hearing me talk about my extensive and well-documented history of insomnia and seeing my charts:

have you tried meditating with the help of these apps? (:

[jundream]

For the love of God I'm so sick of skinny people being like "oh don't take a picture of me i look fat and bloated and GROSS and I hate it!" Just say you don't want a photo. Stop explaining yourself. Please. For the love of god. Please do not open your mouth

[beanghostprincess]

Just thinking about the fact Sora died because of the poison she drink to save her kids, because she is gentle and kind. And her only son who the desesperate act work is as kind as her.

But the StrawHats don't know she did that, this is something he don't have the courage to tell. And they know even less that Sanji is ready to do the same.

He isn't pround of that, but he ends up discovering the poison she drink and even have the recipe of how to do it. Because the germa soldiers teached them this and others poisons.

And this little fact is like a silent threat, a thing that if the crew discovers this, would be attentive about anything he drinks until they're certainly he's not gonna do the same thing his mother did.

And when the StrawHats learn about this fact, the exactly thing he expected happens, he notice Chopper and Robin always near the kitchen with the excuse of how's there was calmer, Nami and Usopp start to do his drinks for him or always are looking him while he's doing it, the others does things too. And Sanji notices all of this.

It's needed months to calm the crew, but still after they stop, all of them always have this fear in the back of they're minds (Luffy even goes as far as asking Law to do a check up on Sanji the next time they meet), that he will do this, but they want to believe he will not. They really want to.

(Just a thought that come to my mind yesterday, and I wanted to share, y'know? Based on some headcanons)

Oh, damn. This honestly hits close to home and it's really interesting so I wanna talk about it. But, you know, it's a serious topic so:

TW // Suicide, poison, self-harm, depression, etc etc you know the drill about Sanji and his issues. I don't go deep, tho, so It's not THAT explicit but could be triggering.

I think that after WCI and Wano, they'd all be worried. Sanji has always been pretty self-sacrificing with everyone and he doesn't value his life in the slightest. He doesn't show signs at first of being actively suicidal but the way he treats his own life makes it clear that he gets into self-sabotaging situations to the point of it being considered self-harm or even passive suicidal behavior. He just- Doesn't care about dying because he puts others first all the time. He has been doing that forever and Skypiea is just one of the times he does that. But, y'know, they never notice that. At least not everyone. I think Zoro is the first to know because of Thriller Bark, honestly. That's one of the biggest signs imo. But then they're separated and it's not like they can talk about it. Then two years happen and uh, shit goes downhill after that because WCI is just utterly traumatizing for Sanji and Wano makes everything worse to the point of asking Zoro to kill him if he loses himself. And we always say that's really gay (because it is) but we ignore the whole point of Sanji genuinely asking somebody to kill him without any fucking hesitation. And he spends all of Wano having the biggest crisis of his life wondering if he's human enough or worthy of being in the crew and???? What the actual fuck. Anyway, I think the crew ends up finding out about everything and I don't believe Sanji is well mentally after all of this. I know they don't write it like this because things are happening and they have to go to Egghead, but I think Sanji would end up really fucked up after WCI and Wano to the point of being worrisome.

If they do find out about the poison thing and Sanj's suicidal thoughts (honestly, I don't know how they would even find out about it unless Reiju tells them or Sanji snaps and yells about that, but, y'know. The point is that they know and Sanji is getting worse) I think you're completely right and they'd be all over him. Because that's exactly what happens when somebody acts this way. They look after him to a suffocating extent and watch his steps. They take turns to watch him. They prepare his drinks. They even make up something so he doesn't have to be on night watch so he can sleep, because he's probably not sleeping either. Or eating well, for that matter, which is what makes them all worry even more in the first place.

And hear me out, because I think he would try to do it. Like- Commit, I mean. Not gonna get into the topic too deep but I think he'd try and I think it wouldn't work because somebody would help him right away and I think he'd try to play it off as a mistake and a misunderstanding, but everyone would know. And he'd just try to ignore their pep talks and interventions.

This is projecting from personal experience and everyone goes through these things differently, but God, I think he'd fucking hate it if they looked after him. Because he knows he won't do it again. At least he doesn't want to do it again. But everybody keeps looking after him like he's about to break at any moment and it's so damn annoying to not have any type of privacy because they think he's gonna off himself the second he's alone. And he gets why they're doing it and appreciates their efforts to look after him, but acting this way is not the answer to his problems. It's just asphyxiating and it isn't helping him get better. You know how the crew is, they're NOT subtle and careful with anything and they're just-- They have good intentions but it's suffocating and he can't handle it anymore.

And I think he'd snap. I actually want to write a fic about this if you let me use your idea (I will credit you, ofc) because I think it'd be great to make him snap at Nami, specifically, and then regret it completely.

Long story short because this is getting long: I think Brook and Robin would end up talking things out with him because they're the ones who understand him the most in this situation. He'd apologize to Nami but also everyone else would apologize too for acting this way, they were just worried and wanted to look after him. I think, after this, the only ones watching Sanji would be Brook and Robin and they'd do it carefully, supporting him and helping him get better. And the whole crew would be next to him along the way but doing it with less assertiveness and just gentler.

I think the concept of Sanji thinking about death so often is great because it adds depth to his character and it's not a crazy thought. I think it's pretty damn canon, actually. At least him being careless about his own life.