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This project began as an indirect response to a few negative tweets in the days following the Valentine's Day Destiel wedding. During such time that “certain sources” chose to speak against the impromptu "wedding" and state that the direction of the show never included sexuality or romance. Since this argument has sparked a bit of discourse as to the validity of Dean Winchester and Castiel's relationship and sexualities, I began this edit as an exploration of observations throughout the entire 15 season run of the series. (That's not to say that Sam does not also have his own impactful romances throughout the show -he does have several notable ones- but in his case they are never debated upon or erased.)

There are three complete edits linked below. The differences are explained in their descriptions. (I also recommend downloading for best quality rather than simply watching in the browser, but it’s your choice)

BiDeanEdit: (Click here to download)

Runtime: 18:04:44

File Size: 10.0 GB (10,741,415,805 bytes)

Series long compilation edit (in sequence) of Dean Winchester and Castiel’s relationships and intended expressions of their sexualities (ie interest in both genders). This edit focuses on their relationship as it develops with one another, their other notable relationships (DeanxBenny, CasxMeg, DeanxLisa, etc), and the framework around their sexualities with small scenes of expression (ie Dean in ‘Playthings’ or ‘Everybody Hates Hitler’, or early seasons Dean & his transgressions with women, or Cas in ‘Caged Heat’)

BiDeanMLMEdit: (Click here to download)

Runtime: 14:40:57

File Size: 8.05 GB (8,649,798,685 bytes)

Series long compilation edit (in sequence) of Dean Winchester and Castiel’s relationships and intended expressions of their sexualities. This one is the same as the last but with only MLM content (Otherwise referred to as ‘only the gay parts’). We focus on this more repressed side of their sexuality and see these clues laid out altogether in one fluid edit (these examples are also available in the previous edit, however are just not aligned beside any heterosexual content). DeanxCrowley, DeanxBenny, DeanxLee, DeanxCas, etc.

DestielOnlyEdit: (Click here to download)

Runtime: 13:08:49

File Size: 7.17 GB (7,709,560,696 bytes)

Series long compilation edit (in sequence) of only Destiel related content. The same as the above edit, just simplified even more to only focus on Dean and Cas’ relationship over the years.

Keep reading below to find my full analysis of the complete edit regarding these guys sexualities, relationships, and the parallels we can draw.

To understand why it is that so many queer fans of Supernatural and other similar shows read queerness in characters and their relationships, we should look at the hays code established in 1930. At this time this certain code was established to monitor what was allowed to be depicted outright on film. Within the margins of what was to be stifled, was homosexuality. As such, filmmakers had to plant “queer-coded” seeds into the writing and subtext so that queer audiences watching could interpret these characters and relationships in this manner without the words and actions stating so outright. (At this time homosexuality could be depicted on film as long as said gay character was either a villain, caricature, or met an untimely end- feeding into the blossoming of the kill-your-gays trope. But that’s another topic for a later time.)

As film changed over the years and times became more accepting of lgbt characters portrayals on screen outside of simple coding, this did not make the code obsolete. Queer-coding and queer-baiting are often used in media in present day as a way to pull in viewership. Networks are able to garner the best of both worlds, in a sense. They can draw in heterosexual audiences that may not want to watch queer media, whilst also drawing in queer audiences by coding some characters and relationships just enough to pull those viewers in. This works simply because there is such a lack of queer representation in most media that we’ll take what we can get.

This is where Supernatural comes in. There is a reason that Supernatural and thus “Destiel” is known by some as “The Great American Queerbait.” This twelve years long gay slow-burn between one overly masculine character and his awkward angel best friend did not begin with the intention of romance or baiting, as many of these things generally don’t. However, once fans realized the chemistry between these two particular actors and characters, it became something blatantly written into the show. Sometimes jokingly, other times as legitimate moments of emotional intimacy between two characters. So to say that the show’s direction never included sexuality or romance is, to put it bluntly, bullshit. Just because something is not written in clear and concise wording right in your face, does not mean that it is nonexistent and that the writers did not know what they were writing into the show. (Not even to mention the actual love confession in 15x18, but I digress).

We know very well that queer content has been written subtextually into media for the better part of seventy years. It is a language in media just as much as lighting is a language, just as much as certain camera angles, color design in costumes or set decor, and music design are languages. All of these, outside of the simple words said on screen, make up our media and these characters and our shows. Tv is a world of color, not black and white.

[[ further readings on the above topics: X X X X X ]]

I decided upon this full edit encompassing both the female and male aspects of Dean Winchester and Castiel’s relationships & sexualities because oftentimes when we’re looking into potentially queer characters we tend to focus on the same sex attraction and neglect the opposite sex attraction. Both are very important to acknowledge and compare, if at the very least to view where they may overcompensate, where toxic masculinity may come into play, compulsory heterosexuality, trauma responses, etc. Sometimes what a character doesn’t do is just as important to interpret as what they do do.

For instance, Dean Winchester. If we are to operate under the assumption that he is bisexual, any repression we witness throughout the series as to his male attraction is likely to be a result of his difficult upbringing, similar to most queer identifying people with childhood trauma. His father is a marine, the picture of manliness in which Dean himself blatantly embodies in an effort to impress and make his father proud in any way he can. Dean is already unlikely to seek out activities in any aspect of life of which might make John look at him in a different light (ie, in an every day setting, even simply watching Finding Dory- this is not something S1 Dean would have admitted to liking, but we see Dean in later seasons standing up for himself and his appreciation for it).

Is it perhaps for this reason that we see Dean as an overly blatant and flirty ladies man in season 1 when John is still alive, while this side of him steadily declines as the series continues? It even becomes established in season 3- in light of Dean’s fears surrounding going to Hell, he enters an attitude for coping that Sam recognizes- hypermasculinity, promiscuity, deflection. Heightening the idea that this caricature of himself that he embodies is a mask that he wears in order to cope with something else. He is donning the image he assumes others think he should fit into. Sam calls him out on this through the years, and eventually this becomes something we see in him less and less as he feels more comfortable simply being himself.

If we take into account the time of which this first season is filmed, this is 2005, a time where gay jokes were still funny and an overcompensating character was a joke attached to it. We see Dean built up in these first couple of seasons through this lens of jokes about a hyper-masculine character being mistaken for gay, however instead of this building up the masculinity to encourage a raging heterosexual characterization, this overcompensation is exactly what inadvertently sows the seeds of queer-coding. To queer watchers this reads as a deeply repressed character with childhood trauma who overcompensates when faced with observations of gayness and uses hypermasculinity to counteract these accusations.

It is through circumstances such as “Bugs” in S1 or “Playthings” in S2 that we first see these ‘jokes.’ The brothers are mistaken as a gay couple. Dean being the more “masculine’ of the two characters has a blatant reaction to these situations (Overcompensating), and Sam’s lack of a reaction is what solidifies his own straightness all the more. Neither brother is homophobic (this becomes established as time goes on) so why would either have a problem with this mistake? Sam wouldn’t care because he’s clearly not gay- in fact, he usually just laughs it off. Dean would care because he wonders what about him looks gay? Do other people see it too? Do they know? What’s wrong with him?

We also see another blatant example of this type of freakout in season 8. “Everybody Hates Hitler.”

(Images: “Playthings” S2xE11)

(Image below: S8 “Everybody Hates Hilter”)

We frame these situations in early seasons around girl of the week scenarios and brief bar flirtations. Have to make it clear that our manly straight character looks as manly and straight as possible. Dean is also in his 20s, he’s more carefree/not as traumatized yet, and he is a sexual man so he does sleep around quite a bit. What is notable, however, is how much this drops off in later seasons. As time goes on Dean seeks out less and less the fleeting encounters of one night stands, in favor of genuine connections- even if he himself frequently doubts his own ability to ever have a settle-down type of relationship or life. Lisa is the only long-term female romantic relationship Dean ever has throughout the series run, and this tentatively begins in season 5 and ends in season 6.

Dean and Lisa’s relationship is founded more in a dream of something that Dean wants to be rather than who he actually is. Although he loves her, their bond is made through trauma and their relationship overall is reminiscent of a soldier who returned home from war with heavy PTSD and begins to burden the family that he will come to realize he doesn’t quite fit within anymore.

Outside of this, his closest relationships from thereon out are between Benny, and Castiel.

Let’s start with Benny. Throughout season 8 Benny is framed as an ex and his relationship with Dean directly parallels Sam and Amelia’s. Both brothers must confront their relationships with their ‘significant others’ and decide whether to cut them off or proceed. Both brothers found these people under circumstances in which they did not get along with them at first but were pushed together. Another person comes in the middle of their relationship (Amelia’s husband for Sam, or Cas/Sam for Benny). The brothers each resent the other’s significant other or the circumstances surrounding the relationship. Sam hates Benny because he is a vampire and Sam does not understand why Dean continually trusts him (which is a circumstance inherently queer-coded in itself for comparability to an unaccepting family). Dean does not care for Amelia simply for the fact that Sam chose her over looking for him in purgatory.

Other instances we see parallels between Sam’s romances and Dean’s:

“Sex and Violence” S4 siren: Nick(Siren)/Dean parallel to Sam/Dr Lady

Season 4: Ruby/Sam and Cas/Dean teamup parallels

S1 Dean pulling Sam from the fire away from Jess vs S12 Sam pulling Dean away from Cas who may die approaching Lucifer to fight

Season 8: Dean/Benny vs Sam/Amelia. Dean and Benny, since they’re essentially going through a breakup, are directly paralleled to Sam and Amelia and their breakup. See “Larp and the Real Girl” for Charlie and Dean’s conversation about Sam’s recent breakup and Charlie picking up on the fact that Dean might also be going through one.

1x05 vs 8x07: Sam seeing Jessica on the sidewalk as they drive down the street vs Dean seeing Cas on the side of the road as he drives down the street

S11: Perhaps this one can be interpreted loosely and not necessarily romantic (esp on Sam’s end), but “O’ Brother Where Art Thou” both brothers are drawn to forces they actively fight against being drawn to. SamxLucifer and DeanxAmara.

S11: “Beyond the Mat” not a relationship but with crushes/infatuations. Dean with Gunner Lawless and Sam with Rio.

S15: Cas telling Dean that “We Are” real. vs Eileen being unsure what’s real and Sam kissing her and saying “I know that was real.”

S15: “The Trap” Dean loses all hope following the death of their friends and primarily Cas. Sam loses hope after Eileen’s death. Directly paralleled in the episode. (We also see Sam lose Eileen in 15x18, where Dean also loses Cas)

Additional parallels between Dean/Cas with anyone else:

Season 9/10: Cain/Colette vs Dean/Cas. “She only asked for one thing. To stop.” vs Cas asking Dean to “Stop”. Both circumstances referring to the Mark of Cain.

S12 “Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets” Lily (human)/Isham (angel) vs Dean (human)/ Cas (angel)

Led Zeppelin: This music means something within John/Mary’s relationship, which Dean directly acknowledges in 12x01 with Mary. We find out Dean has gifted Cas a mixtape of his “Top 13 Zepp Traxx” in 12x19. (the implications of Dean having made a mixtape for Cas, being its own point in a different discussion)

When Lucifer contacts a person to try and get them to open up to him, he uses their dead lover as a ploy. SamxJess, NickxSarah, VincexJen, DeanxCas - 15x19 when Lucifer calls Dean using Cas’ voice.

The parallels of unreciprocated love/infatuation. DeanxCrowley and CasxHannah. Dean likes Crowley but clearly not the way that Crowley likes Dean. Cas likes Hannah like a friend or sister, but she keeps putting the moves on him for awhile and he appears deeply uncomfortable and has to shoot her down more than once.

Parallels between Dean’s own relationships:

Dean in “Let it Bleed” torturing demons to find the location of Lisa and Ben vs Dean in Purgatory torturing monsters to find the location of Cas “The angel”

“The Rapture” opens in Dean’s dream which Cas visits and says he’s in trouble and gives Dean an address to go to immediately. “The Song Remains The Same” opens in Dean’s dream which Anna visits and says she’s in trouble and gives Dean an address to go to immediately.

S6 Dean dodging calls from Lisa vs S12 Dean dodging Cas at the beginning of “Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets” (notable also how Sam treats both circumstances the same)

S11: “Into the Mystic” 11x11 Mildred tells Dean the key to living a long and happy life is to follow your heart. Later in the season “All in the Family” 11x21 When Casifer is still captured by Amara, she puts her hand to Cas’ heart and is able to connect with Dean to contact him. Hinting at the link between Cas and Dean’s “hearts.”

Not necessarily a parallel but an observation. 7x01 when Cas is loaded up on God juice, and Dean has given up but Sam hasn’t and wants to talk to ‘the guy’, Dean says, “He’s not a guy, he’s God.” But in 11x18 Dean refuses to give up on Cas and let him continue to be possessed. Sam keeps speaking about Cas like he’s just a vessel and Dean says, “It? It’s not an it, Sam. It’s Cas.” Mostly this shows the development of their relationship and Dean’s willingness to continue to fight for him.

Dean’s dream world with Pamela in S14, she says to Dean “How come you only want what you can’t have?” and in S15 during Cas’ confession scene he says to Dean, “The one thing I want, is something I know I can’t have.”

Before we delve into Dean and Castiel specifically, let’s explore a few more things regarding Dean.

Let’s start with Cassie. This is Dean’s first romantic relationship we see on the show, and is arguably his first love. What is notable about her is her characterization and Dean in relation to her. We haven’t seen him in a relationship before, and thus this is the baseline to which we can draw how he is in this type of vulnerable state.

We see here that he is drawn to strong individuals. Cassie is a very strong willed character and can hold her own. She has a boldness about her. Dean appreciates that. We see similar in his next framed love interest: Jo Harvelle. Jo is another strong character, and though Dean sees her more as someone he needs to protect because she doesn’t have as much experience under her belt, he respects her intellect and strong will all the same. They connect through a love for hunting and mutual daddy issues. Personally, this is a relationship I view more as a little sister dynamic in a similar vein to Dean and Charlie, however this pairing is still worth noting because as it was written it was intended to potentially flourish into a romantic relationship. This did not pan out, though the seeds are still there.

Next up is Anna. Again daddy issues are a solid connection these two hold, and while this relationship is more of a one-night-stand than anything else, there are still important points to be taken from this encounter. The first is just how much Dean cares. We don’t see very many sex scenes with Dean throughout the series, but of the ones we do see, it is apparent that he is a gentle and tender man. He cares. About even a single night with a woman. (Cassie, Anna, Lydia ’The Slice Girls”) This is a contrast to Dean’s general persona of the masculine straight promiscuous lady’s man. He has all the bravado of a man who ‘loves em and leaves em’, but in reality that is not who he is. This is another example of the faces Dean wears in front of certain people (and what he thinks they expect of him), and the person he is once he lets that mask fall.

It may be important to note as well that Anna, (it is rumored) was originally meant to be more to Dean than this simple one night stand and connection. She was intended to become a romantic interest but, as it turned out, Dean and Cas had more chemistry so the arc that Anna was meant to follow was instead given to Castiel.

It is another year until the apocalypse comes along, Sam dies, and Dean falls back into Lisa’s lap. While Lisa is another strong-willed woman who rolls with the punches, her lifestyle deviates from Dean’s usual romantic interests simply because of her offering of a normal life outside of everything he’s usually known. A life with her is dipping his toe into a life he could have had if he didn’t hold the weight of the world on his shoulders and hunt the things that go bump in the night.

This is Dean’s last “official” relationship of the series. After putting Lisa and Ben in danger by being someone that he cares about, Dean accepts that he’s simply not a guy that can have a normal life or a normal family. He cares about people and they get hurt. This is a weight he holds on his shoulders for the remainder of the show. He loves someone, or more accurately, they love him, and they’ll get hurt. End of story. It doesn’t help that immediately following this, Castiel “dies” too.

Maybe it’s Lisa, maybe it’s Cas. Maybe it’s a combination of the two at this point in time, but Dean is never again the same when it comes to relationships after these events at the end of season 6. He becomes more cautious, tries to keep people an arm’s length away, and we even begin to see less and less promiscuity and flirting with miscellaneous women from this point on.

Let’s talk about Castiel.

Although Dean has had various queer-coded moments throughout the beginning of the series and up to Castiel’s entrance in season 4, his minimal relationships up to this point have all been with women. Simply exploring the evolution of this relationship from Dean’s side of the picture, Dean doesn’t start to truly warm up to Castiel until perhaps the end of season 4. He begins the season unsure of the angel, perhaps even a bit afraid of him, before the two garner a sort of mutual respect as Dean begins to see that there’s more to him than simply an agent of heaven.

They’re friends in season 5. The quirky, strange angel that doesn’t understand social cues, stands too close, stares too much, and says things like “we’re making it up as we go” and “tonight you’re my little bitch.” He’s a far cry from the ethereal entity that showed up in Bobby’s kitchen just a year ago and threatened to toss Dean back into Hell. What really turns the curve, however, is “The End.”

5 years in the future in the midst of an apocalyptic war, Cas is still around. He’s human and he’s stuck by Dean’s side through it all, even though this Dean is just a shadow of his former self. Then again, so is this Cas. But still, they stuck together. Dean isn’t used to that. He has very few people that have stuck by him for this many years. Could probably count them all on one hand at this point. Bobby and Sam at the top of the list. Everyone else either dies or leaves. And in this future, Bobby and Sam are dead, but Cas is still there.

Dean has abandonment issues. His mother died when he was four, his dad was in and out emotionally and physically his entire upbringing, Sam left for Stanford the first chance he got. He’s got strings of dead friends and lost relationships surely in tow for years at this point, and half the time Dean has become accustomed to pushing people away before they have a chance to push him away first. (Ie Cassie, Lisa, often even Sam too at times). Cas won’t make these issues any better during their run together, but up to this point Cas hasn’t let him down. The simple fact that in this one future universe Cas had stuck by him, I’m sure that makes a big difference to Dean and actually may be imperative for their relationship going forward and the trust that forms between them.

Something that becomes a large part of their relationship is Cas and Dean’s ability to have conversations with just their eyes. This is a shorthand that Dean is known to have with Sam on occasion, especially during times of combat. It takes a certain amount of intimacy and knowledge of the other person to be able to have a shorthand like this. The first instance we see this between them is quite possibly “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester,” when Dean convinces Cas that they can save the town. We see it again in the ‘beautiful room’ when Cas slams Dean up against the wall and Dean seems to understand what’s happening. Another instance, “The Song Remains the Same.” In a way, it’s a locking of eyes that just seems to say “trust me,” and they do.

Sam wonders if Anna may be right. If killing him and scattering the pieces will stop this whole Lucifer vessel business. Sam asks Cas, Cas looks to Dean, they share a look, and Cas shuts Sam down. In all likelihood that plan could have worked, but Cas wouldn’t do that Dean. He wouldn’t do it to Sam either but at this point he’ll do anything at all for Dean.

If we take a moment to consider Dean and Cas’ relationship here, it is unlike any of Dean’s previous ones. Dean never has this same kind of shorthand with any of his other relationships, save for possibly Benny to a certain extent. Cas is an odd guy, and Dean frequently describes him as such, but he finds it endearing (if “Free to be You and Me” is any indication this early in their relationship). The previous women in his life all had the same thing in common, that they’re strong willed, brave, and don’t put up with Dean’s shit when he’s being a shit. Cas does fit all this criteria, but he’s also someone that Dean has a hard time reading. Cas is so literal sometimes that Dean can’t tell what’s literal, what’s deadpan, and what’s just Cas’ personality as an angel. But at the end of the day, simply put, he likes him and he trusts him. Getting Dean Winchester’s full trust as quickly as Cas gets it is an anomaly all on its own.

Dean’s female relationships are fairly surface level. They’re easy and fairly uncomplicated. Boy likes girl, girl likes boy. Girl gets mad at boy, relationship ends. Easy. Expected. His relationship with Cas isn’t easy. But the big endgame relationships seldom are. There’s blood, loss of trust, rebuilding, and there’s a pull that at the end of the day always brings them back to one another no matter how incredibly messy things get.

And boy do things get messy. If we touch back into the end of season 6 where things end with Lisa and blow up with Cas, Dean is at an all time low in the relationship department.

Dean takes Cas’ betrayal hard. Breakups are one thing. Leaving Lisa was expected. It was bound to happen eventually. Dean always knew that somewhere inside. He mourns leaving them, but knows it’s for the best. But with Cas’ betrayal at working with Crowley, he’s devastated all over again.

Dean never expects his relationships to last forever, but again there’s a choice few people in his life he lets take up space on the list of those who might stick around. Bobby, Sam, Cas. I don’t think Lisa was ever on this list, as much as Dean wishes he could tell himself she and Ben were. But they weren’t. That relationship was a ticking time bomb. And when they nearly die because of his life and the creatures surrounding him every day, that’s the end of it.

Fast forward, season 7 is a time of mourning. He’s lost Lisa and Ben, he gets Cas back for all of 30 minutes before losing him all over again and never being able to repair that relationship. But he keeps the trenchcoat. Fishes it out of the lake, bundles it up, and keeps it in the back of every single car that he and Sam drive that year.

Dean doesn’t keep mementos. Not of Cassie, not of Jo, Not of Anna, or even Lisa and Ben. No pictures, no items, just memories. You know what he does keep? He keeps his dad’s leather jacket, Bobby’s flask, pictures of he and Sam and his mom. Is keeping the trenchcoat in the back of the car for a year similar to those familial keepsakes? Maybe. But it’s also more than that. It’s covered in blood and lake water, and I’m sure Dean would explain it away that Cas was family and that’s why he kept the coat. Probably even believes that too.

Then we have purgatory.

Dean prays to Cas every night. He could get out of that place just on his own, but he stays there for months in full combat just to look for the angel and get him out with him.

“First we find the angel”

“Cas, we’re gettin’ out of here. We’re going home.”

“Cas, buddy, I need you.”

“Let me bottom line it for you. I’m not leaving here without you. Understand?”

“Cas, we’re gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.”

“It’s gonna work. Nobody gets left behind.”

When we meet Benny, Dean’s only other primary male pairing of consequence, he is not trusted. This team-up is one of strategy and a mutual goal only- at least at first. Dean and Benny fight well side by side, but the trust only runs so far. That is, until during one particular fight with leviathans in which Cas nearly bites it, Benny saves the angel’s life. This is the main turning point for Dean’s entire trust in Benny from here on out.

“Benny has never let me down.” Dean says later to Sam. And he never did. He saved Cas, got Dean out of purgatory, and then later on he gets himself sent back to purgatory just so he can help Dean’s brother get out of there.

Dean and Benny’s relationship was “pure” in purgatory. They didn’t have to worry as much about the fact that Benny was a vampire and Dean was a hunter, they were just brothers in arms who earned one another’s trust, respect and love. There’s no way you let a man kill you and send you to purgatory to save his brother if you don’t love him.

Their relationship once they broke out of purgatory is where things began to sour, not because of anything either of them did to the other, but more the space they let grow. Regular Earth was different from purgatory and these men had to go back to their roles and say sayonara. “What happened in purgatory stayed in purgatory” and all that. Benny was a vampire and Dean was a hunter. That kind of thing mattered here despite the fact that they did care for one another.

Dean and Benny’s tumultuous relationship in relation to the people in Dean’s life could be reminiscent of a queer experience in itself. A lack of acceptance from Sam, Bobby, Martin- Dean’s family. Not because of who Benny was, but what he was. Pair this with the already established fact that Amelia and Sam were a direct parallel to Dean and Benny, Season 8 has been one of the most blatantly queer-coded seasons as of yet.

Which brings us to “Goodbye Stranger.” It is established early on this season that Dean feels that there’s something wrong with Cas, something off about him. The fact that they don’t know how he popped out of purgatory is just one part of it. It’s in the way he acts, how spacey he is, the fact that he doesn’t answer Dean’s prayers. “I always come when you call.” Cas once said. And he did. Until now.

This is another aspect of their relationship which is simply there and not spoken about much- similar to their staring and eye communication thing they do. Dean started their relationship unable to read all of Cas’ quirks very well and unsure of the guy. Now, he’s fluent in the language of Cas. He knows by tone of voice, by shiftiness, by his expressions- when something is up. Maybe he started paying more attention after the whole Rafael situation until he could read Cas like the back of his hand, or maybe he just started paying attention just to pay attention.

He’s known something is wrong for months while Cas has been under Naomi’s control. Just the same as years later, he knows something is up when Lucifer is taking a ride in Cas’ body. And he knows in 12x15 just by the way Cas speaks on the phone that something is off with him.

They come upon the angel tablet in the crypt, and Dean does fight back when Cas starts in on him, but he spends even more energy trying to get Cas to come back to him and fight whatever force has him under control. He never once stopped to think that this was just Cas. “This isn’t you! Fight this!” Dean would repeat over and over as Cas beats him nearly to death.

There was a moment he certainly thought that Cas would kill him, and it seemed like he was more bothered by the fact that it was Cas that would do it more so than the thought of dying.

Cas breaks through the mind control, heals Dean. Then he leaves. So, again, Cas leaves. He keeps doing that to Dean. I stated before that Dean’s abandonment issues come into play in this relationship, but unlike at the beginning where Dean saw a future that Cas stays in, this Cas keeps coming and going. This makes it difficult for Dean to trust him fully, to rely on him. But the fact of the matter is that he does still trust him completely, and that’s what bothers Dean.

When Cas does come back again, collapsed and bloody in the middle of the street, Dean puts up a wall. He’s hurt and he’s tired. He doesn’t want to trust him as much as he does and he definitely doesn’t want him to keep coming and going without a thought. (What’s interesting to note here, though, is Dean’s change in character as this occurs through the years. Because while here he may simply give Cas the cold shoulder and not talk much about his hurt in this situation, we see later on in 12x19 after Dean has been fretting for days about where Cas has gone off to, and Cas finally does return, he voices his side of things. “With everything that’s going on, you can’t just go dark like that. We didn’t know what happened to you. We were worried, that’s not okay.”)

Naomi hits the nail on the head when she visits Dean after Castiel disappears and she notices Dean still hasn’t warded the boat against angels. It is moments like these that we realize just how much everyone else around these two also notice their chemistry and their deep devotion to one another, always seeming to fall back to one another.

“I think you have me confused with the other angel. You know, the one in the dirty trenchcoat who’s in love with you.” - Balthazar S6

“The stench of that impala is all over your overcoat, angel.” - Crowley S6

“Castiel? Oh, he’s not here. See, he has this weakness. He likes you.” -Uriel S4

(to Dean) “Go ask him, he was your boyfriend first.” - Meg S7

“I have tiptoed through all your little tulips. Your memories, your little feelings, yes. I know what you hate. I know who you love, what you fear.” - The Empty S13

“And then after a rousing speech, his true weakness is revealed. He’s in love... with humanity.” - Metatron S9

“I’m sorry, did you just say that you lost a Winchester? Because, one, that’s... interesting. And, two, how is it that you lost Dean? I thought the two of you were joined at the... you know, everything.” - Kipling S14

“And for what again? Oh, that’s right, to save Dean Winchester. That was your goal, right? I mean, you drape yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was about saving one human, right? Well, guess what? He’s dead, too.” - Metatron S9

“Don’t lose it all over one man.” - Hannah S9

“The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell he was lost!” - Hester S7

“Oh, sweet. Almost anything. Castiel? He’s dead. All the way dead. Because of you.” - Miriam S13

“And then you’d kill the angel, Castiel. Now that one, that I suspect would hurt something awful.” - Cain S10

“He should know this- Lucifer, his favorite, isn’t doing so well. Say nothing of the vessel, your friend Castiel.” - Amara S11

“I’m gonna cure you of your human weakness, the same way I cured my own. By cutting it out.” - Isham S12

Bonus: Dean to Sam about Garth’s baby Castiel- Dean: “This Cas keeps looking at me weird.” Sam: “So kinda like the real Cas.”

It is time and again that opposing forces recognize the relationship between Dean and Castiel, and it’s commented on and used against them frequently.

As we move forward to the angels falling and human Castiel, this season opens up with dean in the hospital with a very ill Sam. The first thing he does before contacting anyone else is pray to Castiel. There’s a moment in 9x03 where Castiel walks into a church and speaks with a woman there. He expresses his lack of faith and she says, “I guess that’s why we pray. You need something stronger than yourself.” Dean never prayed until he started praying to Cas. He prayed to Cas during the apocalypse, in purgatory, when Sam was sick during the trials, now in this hospital. Dean might not have faith in God, but he does in Cas.

Castiel is human, and while Dean tears apart the grid trying to find him while angels are on Cas’ ass, he still watches him die, then has to kick him from the safety of the bunker the very same day. Up until this point, Cas has been a genuine part of their family regardless of their squabbles over the past months, but kicking him from the bunker damages that. Once the reasoning comes to light, however, Cas is forgiving immediately. He’d forgiven Dean even before that. That’s one thing about Cas that Dean never seems to get over either. Dean can get angry and take things out on him, kick him from the bunker, make stupid decisions and nearly kill himself, holler at him, blame him, but Cas comes back every time. He forgives him every time. It’s already overwhelming when Sam does this, but the ease at which Castiel consistently forgives Dean is a lot.

Dean gets the Mark of Cain. It’s a means to an end, he says. When he becomes a demon as a result, this is when his relationship with Crowley is deepened. This relationship is an interesting one because it’s essentially an unrequited example. Dean likes Crowley, and when he’s a demon he has a good time, but Crowley’s feelings appear to go much deeper- even if he tries not to show it.

It is very possible that Dean and Crowley’s relationship is a formation more as a result of a joke than anything else- where the writers are concerned. But whether that was the intention or not, this is a relationship that continues to affect Crowley’s actions towards Dean for the rest of the series. He doesn’t let Dean kill innocents as he’s a demon, he saves Castiel from certain death as his grace drains, he gives Sam the information to find Dean so he can be cured, and he aids in getting the mark removed from Dean even as Sam attempts to kill him in the process. In return, Dean gives Crowley the benefit of the doubt more often, and they share a sort of mutual respect. What differs here, however, from Dean’s relationships with Benny or Castiel, is Dean’s actions. It is clear that Dean doesn’t feel as deeply as Crowley does, so this is an interesting relationship to compare side by side with the others.

Not only this, but DeanxCrowley in these first few episodes can be seen as a parallel with CasxHannah. Two unreciprocated relationships which do not last long in this particular phase, but do result in a friendship within these pairings as time goes on.

Still with the Mark of Cain, Dean and Cain have a few things in common. Cain had said that his wife, Colette, before she died had asked him to stop. Stop the killing. It’s several months after that that Dean is going off the rails and Cas, behind Dean as he’s walking away, asks Dean to stop. He nearly kills Cas then, almost fulfilling Cain’s words just weeks earlier: “And then you’ll kill the angel, Castiel. And that, I suspect, would hurt something awful.” This is a direct romantic parallel written into the show.

When the darkness is released, Amara and Dean are immediately drawn to one another through some sort of connection as a remnant of the mark. This relationship is another interesting one, because it ties in to true desire and consent. Dean is drawn to her, yes, and she is sold as a sort of potential love interest this season, but Dean himself doesn’t want anything to do with her. He’s hypnotized when he’s around her, but as soon as he’s away this energy dissipates.

So in light of this storyline let’s talk about consent and the sexualization of Dean Winchester for a second, shall we?

Dean is an often highly sexualized individual. He plays along more in his younger days, but the older he gets the more frustrated he becomes with the whole situation. I’m sure there are more but here are some tentative examples (This is also something that happens to Sam a decent amount as well.):

Wendy at the psych ward in “Sam, Interrupted” kisses Dean

Pamela touching Dean’s inner thigh in “Lazarus Rising”

Ezra in “Time After Time” kisses Dean without consent

Gets turned into a vampire because he’s “pretty”

Pamela in “Dark Side of the Moon” kisses Dean

Almost becomes a vessel for Sandy’s mate in “The Thing” because she “enjoys looking at his face”

Amara kisses Dean in “O’ Brother Where Art Thou”

Mildred gropes Dean’s leg in “Into the Mystic” and continually makes advances even tho he’s uncomfortable.

Random girl slaps Dean’s ass in “The Last Call”

Ellie in S8 wants to sleep with Dean and even kisses him randomly

Meg kisses Dean as he’s being held against his will in “Sympathy for the Devil”

Granted, there aren’t a plethora of examples, but it’s still a lot and it is interesting to see how often Dean has been sexualized for someone else’s pleasure. It is bound to work into his characterization as well, and his sense of self-worth. He’s often described as the pretty one of the brothers, and seeing as he is the more promiscuous of the two, it is assumed that he welcomes all of or most of the attention that comes his way.

It is for this reason in particular that the situation with Amara is bothersome to me. Not only is Dean taken advantage of physically, but his mind is essentially hypnotized whenever she is near, not giving him total control over his actions or desires. Amara is in part meant to be sold as a romantic interest, but throughout the season Dean continually expresses his discontent. He’s even ashamed to admit these feelings to Sam and Cas, even though he knows it isn’t his fault he still feels responsible. (Which, if we think about it, this is could be a queer allegory too. The lack of choice, feeling shame, etc.)

What is notable, however, is the day that they attempt to capture Lucifer and speak to Cas to get him to expel Lucifer from his body. Amara makes a surprise appearance and captures Lucifer/Cas herself. Dean yells to Cas. This catches Amara’s attention and appears to confuse her, and even Lucifer, seeing as when Dean is around her he’s meant to have eyes for just her because of their “bond”. His link to Castiel appears to be stronger, however.

Amara uses this connection between Cas and Dean when she wishes to contact Dean, simply by placing her hand over Castiel’s heart. She says to Dean, “If you should cross paths, if (god) should reach out to you, he should know this - Lucifer, his favorite, isn’t doing so well. Say nothing of the vessel, your friend Castiel.”

If we backtrack a moment, Dean finding out that Castiel is possessed in the first place is a very emotional time for Dean. He doesn’t want to accept that Cas would make such a decision, put himself in that kind of danger, and choose to leave once again. Sam, the arguably more rational thinker at this current time, tries to rationalize that Cas may not come back willingly since he chose to let Lucifer in. “Not possible.” Dean says. It’s simply not possible that Cas doesn’t want to come back to them. It’s not something he can accept.

The next several episodes are begun with Dean either losing sleep trying to figure out what to do about Cas, or simply moping about. Sam has to comfort him each time. This is notable behavior as well, because Dean isn’t often one to wear his heart on his sleeve this frequently. Certainly he has his moments, but much of the time when he’s distressed he simply buries it all down and puts up a front. He doesn’t do that here. In fact, once they do begin to put together a plan with Crowley, Sam thinks they should still utilize Lucifer in the fight against Amara but thinks it’s foolish to move him into a new vessel.

((I actually counted up the mopey Dean scenes- between finding out Cas is possessed, to getting Cas back.))

There are four convos with Sam (multiple episodes) where Sam has to comfort Dean and say something along the lines of “we’ll get him back.” (Just as an aside, I don’t think there has ever been a scene in the series where Dean comforted Sam about Cas, it’s always Sam having to comfort a freaking out Dean)

Then, of course, there’s the scene where Dean comforts a victim and she says “I watched the man I love die. There’s no normal after that.”

There’s the “It’s not an ‘it,’ Sam. It’s Cas.” scene.

There’s Dean trying to get through to Cas when they capture Lucifer.

There’s the Dean yelling “Cas?” to Casifer when Amara is in the room.

There’s two more scenes where Sam comforts Dean again.

There’s “The Chitters” episode with the gay hunter couple. (This isn’t a direct relation, but more of an honorable mention because it seems abstractly relevant)

Amara connecting to Dean through Cas’ heart.

Dean freaking out about making it to Cas in time and again talking to Sam about it.

Dean asking “what about Cas?” as they’re planning the attack with God against Amara.

Someone has said once that you can tell that Dean is in love with Cas because Sam isn’t. It’s in moments like this that this becomes readily apparent. Yes, Sam cares about Cas, of course. But it’s just different than the way that Dean cares about Cas. When Dean cares about certain people, this love weaves into the very fabric of his being and he just feels it so completely and overwhelmingly, he can’t simply not fight for it.

“Dean, it’s a strong vessel, it’s held Cas for years, and we know what he’s been through.” Sam says.

“It? It’s not an ‘it,’ Sam. It’s Cas.”

Dean appears almost shocked that these words would pass through Sam’s mouth. He’s confused that Sam wouldn’t fight for Cas just as much as Dean would. The type of love they each have for the angel is just different. Visually, action-wise, reaction-wise. This conversation in “Hell’s Angel” highlights that.

You know what else highlights it? The fact that when they do trap Lucifer, it’s only Dean who gets through to Cas and talks to him to get him to come back and expel Lucifer. It’s Cas only seeking Dean’s forgiveness in S7 when putting the souls back in Purgatory. It’s Dean in S6 being the only one to defend Cas in “The Man Who Would Be King.” It’s Dean later in that same episode being the one to get through to Cas in the circle of holy fire. It’s “I did it, all of it, for you.” It’s Dean carrying around that trenchcoat for a year and mourning when Sam doesn’t. It’s Bobby checking in on Dean mourning Cas, but doesn’t check in with Sam about it. It’s Sam pulling Dean out of the apocalypse world in season 12 as Dean screams for Cas and physically fights against Sam to get to Cas. It’s Sam seeing Cas dead on the ground minutes later, but still able to walk away while Dean is frozen in place, frozen in shock. It’s Dean being the only one to wrap up Cas’ dead body. It’s Sam always having to reassure Dean that Cas is probably fine, whenever he goes missing for a little while. It’s Dean hardly able to function in S13 with this encompassing grief over Cas’ death and yelling “It got him dead! Now you might be able to forget about that, but I can’t.” It’s S15 when Rowena tells Dean and Cas to fix their quarrel before it’s too late, and later Dean in purgatory not sure of it is too late as he’s praying for Cas to be okay and crying against a tree.

Sam’s reactions are important to take into account. Sam cares, yes, but Cas isn’t as wholly encompassing in his life as he is in Dean’s. If anything else is to prove that, it’s the way that Dean grieves (I mean, if you were to put Sam in Dean’s place in 15x09 in Purgatory and their fight, there’s no way that Sam would react this extremely).

There are three different points to highlight Dean’s grief. The first is season 7 with the trenchcoat, which we’ve already talked about. The second is when Cas is possessed by Lucifer, which we have covered as well. The most damning, however, is Dean’s season 13 grief arc following Cas’ death. Dean also loses his mother during this time and a few other friends, but considering how he reacts when Cas comes back, a great amount of this grief has to do with Cas. Dean completely loses hope and faith in anything at all during this time. He hates Jack for giving Cas false hope and getting him killed. He doesn’t believe in their mission anymore. He doesn’t believe anything matters at all. “Right now, I don’t believe in a damn thing.” Dean admits to Sam. When Cas comes back from the dead, however, he pulls a complete 180. He has hope again. He has faith. And all of it begins with Cas.

Lastly, Dean never hooks up with anyone again after Castiel’s final resurrection. We can go through an outline of the steady decline of Dean’s hookups and relations outside of Cas as the decade goes, but during this three year window specifically, Dean’s only pairing is Cas. Sure, he might flirt with someone every now and again, but this never goes anywhere. (Arguably the person he flirts with the most in any episode in these final three seasons is Daphne, but idk if that even counts much considering she is a cartoon.) And as Pamela says once in Rocky’s bar: “Besides, you don’t want me. You just like to flirt. I’m psychic so I kinda know.” And that was just in Dean’s head anyways so it’s probably even more true than had Pamela actually said it herself.

When Jack comes in the picture in season 13, and Castiel comes back from the dead, this makeshift little family is formed. All three men act as father figures to this half-angel kid at different capacities, and amongst this dynamic another is formed a bit further between Dean and Cas. They’ve already been acting a bit as an old married couple in recent years (Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets, anyone?) but this co-parenting scenario they’ve found themselves in has solidified this dynamic all the more as they collaborate on the issues that arise with Jack. In “Lebanon” when John Winchester comes back for a brief period, John even says to Dean that he’d hoped he would get a family someday and get out of hunting and such. Dean replies, “I have a family.” Sam, Cas, and Jack are his family. Cas has been family for a long time, but here and now Dean just isn’t looking for anything else or anything normal. He’s happy with himself and the people he’s surrounded by. He’s not looking for anything else or anyone else.

For a change of perspective, let’s check out Castiel’s relationships over the years.

Unlike Dean, Castiel’s queerness and interest in Dean has been officially canonized. We can speculate all we want on the legitimacy of Dean’s love for Cas, but we can speak in certainties about Castiel. Castiel is in love with Dean Winchester. Speculation can come in when we consider, just how long has this love existed for him? Let’s start from the beginning.

Right off the bat when we meet Castiel, he’s a semi-emotionless soldier of heaven who works under strict orders and doesn’t have much free-will. Dean begins to change this. We can see even in their first couple encounters that Castiel is interested in Dean- in what he has to say, intrigue in the fact that Dean talks back to the angels (despite that these angels are unkillable beings and could smite him on the spot), the fact that he’s snarky and brave and questions everything. Where Uriel finds Dean annoying and blasphemous, Castiel finds the back-talk fascinating. Dean’s words impact Cas, and it’s not long before he starts to have doubts about Heaven. Following these orders blindly and unquestioningly starts to seem foolish when Dean puts things in a different perspective.

Even after Cas undergoes what some have funnily dubbed “conversion therapy” in “The Rapture” (when Cas had finally decided on going against Heaven and to help Dean stop the apocalypse) it’s still not enough to stop him completely. A bit more time with Dean and he’s convinced yet again to help this one human man stop the apocalypse with his brother. He even dies for him and this new mission of his.

Castiel throughout this first season is interesting because we see firsthand his struggle to understand beginning to feel emotions and accept thinking for himself. “For the first time, I feel...” He says to Anna. He wants her to tell him what to do. He wants orders because that’s all he knows, and he doesn’t understand why suddenly he cares. It hurts him to send Dean in to torture Alastair. It hurts him even later when in the beautiful room Dean dismisses him with a “What do you care, you’re already dead. We’re done.”

It’s possible that in these first several months, or even these first couple seasons, that Castiel follows Dean around and does as he asks because he’s allotted Dean as the new being he serves. Because serving is what he knows. But it’s also through this that he begins caring more and more. He learns more how to express certain emotions, he learns more about humanity, he learns more about what is important in life and what is worth fighting for. As Cas will admit himself 12 years later, “Ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell... Knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack... I cared about the whole world because of you.”

We start to see sprinkles of this especially throughout season 5 as Cas begins to come to terms with caring and adopting Dean’s mindset to care. Consider Sam for a moment. He and Cas don’t necessarily get along a lot and mostly just tolerate one another in these early days. However, as we see in “Abandon All Hope” when Castiel is captured by Lucifer, Cas gets visually upset at the concept of Lucifer taking Sam as his vessel. “You are not taking Sam Winchester. I won’t let you.”

Sam and Cas don’t have much of a relationship at this point, but Cas cares because Dean does. In “The Song Remains the Same” not long later, he even refers to Sam as his friend.

By the time S6 rolls around Castiel is in the midst of a civil war in heaven entirely because he has adopted the Winchester’s all encompassing mindset on the importance of free-will. Castiel is making his own choices, and he does everything he can to protect the Winchesters from harm as he does so. He decides not to seek out Dean’s help while he’s raking leaves because Dean had already sacrificed too much in Castiel’s eyes. He raises Sam from perdition because he feels it the right thing to do. He re-sinks the Titanic to keep the boys from being killed by Fate.

Personally, I think Castiel has been slowly falling in love with Dean this entire time, he’s just not aware what this feeling is. But this becomes even more plausible to me when we get Castiel’s perspective in “The Man Who Would Be King.” Cas cares what Bobby and Sam think of him, sure, but all he focuses on is Dean. Dean’s happiness and ensuring he not sacrifice more. Dean’s loyalty even as Cas seems to be guilty. Dean’s words when they capture Cas in holy fire.

The problem is, their relationship this season is also rocky. Cas seems to think that he’s merely a tool at the Winchester’s disposal and not much else. But he doesn’t mind because he cares about them so much, so what do his feelings matter? He sees himself as their protector. Their guardian angel. A role he’s fine with filling regardless of how they feel in return.

But when things get bad, Dean says to him “Next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family. You are like a brother to me. So if I’m asking you not to do something... You’ve gotta trust me, man.” and Cas seems genuinely surprised at this admission. Emotional, even.

As time goes on, Castiel’s actions nearly primarily revolve around Dean

After Cas realizes his error and is sending the purgatory souls back to their place, he tells Dean repeatedly that he’ll find some way to redeem himself to him. That’s the most important thing to him then.

When Cas smites the demons outside of the mental hospital in 7x17, all of his flashes of memories coming back were memories of Dean.

Partially to aid Sam and partially to redeem himself to Dean, Cas takes on Sam’s Hell brain in the asylum and goes crazy.

Cas runs in purgatory to keep the leviathans away from Dean.

Cas breaks out of Naomi’s mind control/brainwashing because of his feelings for Dean.

Let’s talk about that final bullet point for a moment. The Naomi chapter is damning in “Goodbye Stranger.” It isn’t copies of both Sam and Dean that Naomi trains Castiel to kill hundreds upon hundreds of times. No, it’s ONLY clones of Dean.

“What broke the connection?” Dean will ask after Castiel heals him in the crypt and takes control back over his mind. “I don’t know.” Cas will say. It wasn’t the angel tablet. That may have unwound the last of Naomi’s control over him, yes, but he’d dropped that angel blade before that. It was Dean that broke that connection. Even if this remains unsaid, it doesn’t make it any less true. Maybe Castiel starts to have an understanding of what his feelings are and what they mean here, but he won’t be truly sure until he soon becomes human.

Before we get there, though, we’ll take a brief pause to explore Cas’ heterosexual explorations and connections.

First is Meg. Cas’ relationship with Meg is born of sexual exploration more than anything else at its conception. He’d just been watching porn in his downtime and when Meg kisses him, he goes with it enthusiastically. Later, he seems to have a certain infatuation with her in his “crazy” state, and seems to trust her perhaps simply because she had been watching over him in the institution.

This is interesting because in his “crazy” state, Cas is a lot more raw and unfiltered and optimistic than he ever has been before. He compliments her, is concerned with her safety, and trusts her. On the contrary, with Dean, Cas is a lot more hesitant and even fearful when talking about certain subjects with him because of his past failings. He tries to keep the peace without directly getting involved because his direct involvement in the past had failed them all so spectacularly.

He and Meg continue to have a sort of connection whenever they cross paths until her demise the next season, and he still holds a respect for her years later, continuing to use her nickname for him “Clarence” as an alias at various times.

When Castiel becomes human in S9, he’s a bit lost and overwhelmed. April takes him in for the night. Although this is a short-lived romance considering she tortures and kills him the next day, for a brief enough time Cas starts to become acquainted with human romance and sexual desire. He loses his virginity to her. It is estimated by some that this is merely sexual experimentation on the part of a very confused newly human Cas, and others have used this to say that Cas is not gay but pan or bi. The conclusion in any regard, in my opinion, is purely up to the viewer.

If I’m to offer my opinion, however, seeing as he has shown interest in both sexes, though remains unlabeled, I consider him simply an unlabeled queer person. Sexual identity and orientation has never seemed to matter much to Castiel, so I don’t see why it should matter to me. He loves who he loves, simple as that.

When we get to Hannah, she provides an interesting foil to Castiel for a time, and an emphasizing expression on just how much he’s changed since his introduction to Earth and the Winchesters. Where Castiel has been open to a plethora of new emotions and experiences through the years which have made him a bit more human than angel at times, Hannah is still new to humanity and the range and movement of emotions that come with it. Just how little she seems to understand proves how much Castiel has grown and does understand by comparison.

As such, he seems to pick up on the fact that Hannah has an attachment to him that appears to be forming into a romantic or sexual interest. He gently turns her down multiple times, not expressing interest in her behavior although he does respect her greatly as a person. Though this relationship isn’t considered romantic from Castiel’s perspective, its unrequited nature again is a good parallel to Dean and Crowley’s relationship at this same time. Angel x Angel and Demon x Demon. Both one sided.

Now, let’s get back to Dean.

Up to the point that Castiel turns human, for however brief a time, he finally gets a look behind the curtain of human emotion. Now, we all know that Cas is in love with Dean already here- and probably has been for some time. Years, even- but it’s my personal belief that during this time turning human is when he actually realizes it and understands where these emotions come from.

Maybe it’s the heartbreak of Dean kicking him from the bunker, maybe it’s seeing Dean again when he shows up in line at the Gas n Sip, or maybe it’s somewhere in between when he sees two people on the street looking at each other and realizes “oh, that’s love. I know what that is. I felt that, too.” And every moment from then on he realizes what that feeling was in his chest when he looked at Dean for a little too long, or why it hurt so much to see the pain in Dean’s eyes at something Cas had done, or why hearing Dean’s prayers to him just felt different than they did with Sam’s. Why everything that he’d done since he rebelled from heaven was in the name of doing the right thing, muddled alongside doing the right thing for Dean. Caring because of Dean. Caring for Dean.

It’s during this time when he realizes what these feelings are, that he also must come to terms with the fact that they’re unreciprocated (or as he believes, anyway). This is for two reasons. The first, he still believes at this time that Dean kicked him from the bunker just because. And the second, if there’s anything that Cas took to heart from Dean’s example as strongly as the concept of free-will, it’s self-loathing. He doesn’t see himself worthy of love. Dean doesn’t see himself worthy of love either. They’re both messy piles of self-loathing that breeds into a blindness to the depth of care they hold for one another.

Now that we’re on the topic of self-loathing, this leads into Castiel and his decision to become Lucifer’s vessel in season 11. Much like Dean, Cas has a consistent issue with seeing his own personal self-worth, so when the opportunity comes along to “be of service to the fight” and become Lucifer’s vessel, he takes it on easily. He considers himself expendable, and he won’t see just how much Dean struggles with this fact while he’s possessed. In fact, Cas never knows just how much Dean struggles with his absence at all, which is just one of the many divides between the two of them that could easily be resolved with communication, if either were ever good at that.

Once Lucifer is shoved from Cas’ body, however, Dean makes a point to let Cas know just how important he is in his life. He’s said Cas was family before, but that was before the falling out at the end of season 6. Dean makes it clear that he and Sam both consider Cas family, once again, during a ride in Baby. “You’re our brother, Cas. I want you to know that.”

Now, here, simultaneous heartbreak and love occur. Because while Cas is likely very much in love with Dean here, and very much aware of it, to hear that Dean simply thinks of him as a brother must ache a bit. However, we’re also talking about Dean Winchester, and for him to call someone a brother is an immense depth of love, probably the most the man is even capable of. Dean never says the words “I love you” to anyone, so this is about the closest anyone could get. Cas knows this, he’s well-versed in the ways of Dean Winchester by now. So, while it aches, his heart is also full.

Comparable to:

“We need you, Cas. I need you.” 8x17

“We’re gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.” 8x05

“Don’t make me lose you, too.” 7x23

“Don’t do anything stupid”

The entire purgatory confession/apology prayer in 15x09

Cas returns this love just hours later, offering to go with Dean to die taking out Amara.

If we jump forward to the divorce arc of season 14-15, we can hit upon the next great heartbreak of Castiel’s sad little love life. While the Winchester brothers, Castiel, and Jack have all become a family unit, Castiel never wants to lose that. But two things happen. First, Cas’ deal with The Empty is made, and somewhere along the line, silently, he becomes aware that allowing himself to be happy, and that happiness, somehow involves Dean. The second thing that happens is Jack kills Mary Winchester, and Dean says Castiel is dead to him.

So, The Empty won’t take him, but his family is broken apart. Castiel never gives up on a single family member, though. That’s the thing about Cas. The same way he consistently forgives Dean for all his behaviors over the years, he never loses faith in anyone in this family. And when they come to reunite, he’s happy simply in appreciating any and all time they have together, however brief.

Then, in true Castiel fashion, he sacrifices himself for Dean Winchester in 15x18.

Their relationship has always left things unsaid, but I don’t think there’s ever been a question on whether Dean loves Cas or Cas loves Dean even if they don’t talk about it. You can’t look at Cas and Dean’s faces seeing each other again for the first time in weeks at the end of “The Last Call” and say that there wasn’t love and heartbreak there. On some level I think that Cas knew that Dean loved him back, but Dean was so buried in trauma at that point that it might take him years more to realize what he actually felt and what he needed. But Cas is such a selfless lover that he was absolutely 100% fine with just being around Dean for the rest of his life, even if he never got a chance to tell him how much he genuinely cared for him, and never got that reciprocation back. Castiel’s love for Dean is so pure and selfless it’s overwhelming to even consider, but for someone like Dean it would be a hundred times harder to accept or even fathom someone caring about him as much as Cas does.

So Castiel never pushes Dean further, never suggests, barely even touches him. The only liberties Cas takes are small touches to heal him (even though he doesn’t need to touch a person to heal them), a few small hugs through the years, just sharing comfortable space inside the impala, small moments watching Dean’s favorite movies with him, or sharing a moment over beers in the kitchen. And Cas’ happiness was in telling Dean how much he loved him likely because then maybe Dean would actually see how much he was worth. Cas wanted Dean to know how much he loved him and how he viewed him, because Dean deserved to love himself and was worthy of it.

The five types of love languages are as follows:

Words of affirmation

Physical touch

Gift giving

Acts of Service

Quality Time

One of the reasons Dean and Cas miss the mark with one another so often could simply come down to love languages. A lot of the time, what a person needs in love language is often what they also give. I don’t think this is the case where these two are concerned, though. They’re both so sacrificial that it’s difficult for them to accept this in return, even though this is what they each offer to the other and anyone else around them.

Both Cas and Dean’s giving love language is “acts of service” which translates into sacrificial actions much of the time, though it can also be more domestic than that as well. It’s Dean grabbing an extra beer for Cas or making food, or it’s Cas healing Dean without any prompting, Cas loading up on pie and beer at the Gas n Sip when Dean’s mad at him.

What they each need, however, is different. Dean needs “quality time.” He needs his people close, he needs them to answer calls, and he needs to know where they are. This clearly ties in to his abandonment issues, and it hurts his relationship with Cas significantly when the angel just keeps leaving, or disappears without answering his phone for days at a time. And when he dies, obviously. He always comes back, though. And half the time when he’s gone it’s because he’s trying to get a win for Dean against whatever issue the team is facing at the time.

What Cas needs, best I can tell, is “words of affirmation.” Cas has a consistent problem with thinking that he’s worth less than he is, and is less important to the people around him than he is. Dean obviously has this issue, too, but with Cas it’s somehow infinitely worse, if that’s even possible. Frequently, what he needs to get him going in low points is a few words from Dean or encouragement in general. To name a few:

“Maybe to fix it.” 7x17

“I’d rather have you, cursed or not.” 7x23, Cas then goes with Dean to find and kill Dick Roman

“I’m not leaving here without you.” S8 in purgatory when Cas wanted Dean to leave him behind but Dean was having none of it.

“You’re our brother, Cas.” 11x23, after Cas was possessed by Lucifer and thought he was expendable.

Over time, Dean does get a bit more vocal with Cas about issues he’s having or just with encouraging words as well. Cas, too, sticks around a lot more. They’re not perfect but they do begin to grow and work with one another in these later years to give one another what they need most to see how much the other is loved.

In conclusion, there is a significant amount of romance and sexuality written into this show, and simply interpreted as well. And that’s the thing, when a queer person says that they interpreted a certain piece of media as queer, it’s not up to someone else to say that they can’t, or shouldn’t, or that they’re interpreting something wrong. That’s the thing about media, it can have so many different interpretations and meanings to so many different people.

It’s my personal interpretation to see the queerness embedded in the text here. Maybe it’s not there for another person, and that’s cool too, just don’t tell me how I should see it. The fact is that it was written into the show to be interpreted, and interpret is what we did.

I’d love to hear any feedback that others may have regarding this. Any other theories, different interpretations, things I may have missed. I hope you enjoy the edits, and the endings I put together for them. We all need a little bit of happiness after that ending, so I hope it leaves you with a lighter heart. :)

Much love,

Taylor

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semi-imaginary-place · 3 years

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wonder egg priority

ep1: if we are already in the surrealist bullshit, what’s the rest of the show going to be like? I do not trust egg man. there more blood than i was expecting. I feel bad for Ai’s mom imagine you daughter isn’t coping well with her only friend’s suicide and one morning she’s injured and bleeding out on the kitchen floor. what money is she buying the eggs with

ep2: I’ve been thinking this but... is this actually a magical girl show? i dont trust egg man all the more. some dude finding girls at their most vulnerable and having them pay him for a chance to save someone they care about seems really... wow this show is brightly colored and the songs are cheerful but it deserves an M rating. ah her ended up in the hospital again. is it me just coming off of watching evangelion or is there some underlying hostility and tension between the abuse and bullying cases to acca’s comments

ep3: ok that thigh animation was a little weird but i am loving the cast. i want this series to do well to its characters and themes, but it probably wont. that’s 2 episodes “baa-san” has been used as an insult and i really am not for ageism nor the after-the-age-of-x-women-arent-valuable-anymore trope. but i do love seeing girls save girls

ep4: damn. thats 3 girls is less than 1 episode that have fallen in love with momo. that could be a little overwhelming to go through. ok. yeah. no. the men and women are different species thing is tired bullshit. why are the two misogyny bros running the show. this is a monster of the week format show.

ep5: rika does have a point. these girls aren’t responsible for those deaths, and its unfair that the burden of saving them falls on our cast

ep7: we got a rika episode. yeah this show goes some Real places from sexual assault, to compensated dating, to self harm. I’m glad we have these characters but especially Neiru. Female anime characters often fall into two sterotypes, loud and more assertive, and quiet, shy and meed (like the gymnastics girl), so we rarely get female characters like Neiru who are quiet but also decisive and confident. mmm i wonder if the show will address how the root of a lot of these girls problems are misogyny and how they are in a vulnerable position.

ep9: oh plot time. i hope they don’t oversimplify mental illness.

ep10: ok the “you must have many questions” and cut to the girls furiously texting because momo got a date is a great joke. so i feel bad for momo but also GOALS!! imagine attracting non heterosexuals ONLY! ahahahaha. I want that! what the hell was that at the end. ok backing up we actually got a trans dude. having a dude that's transgender is like finding a cryptid in the anime world. transmen are basically nonexistent in anime so i will take what crumbs I can get, though if he's male, what is doing in a space stated to be for females. (my guess is that the creator's default latent transphobia that we all have is showing though ie. they didn't think through the implications. the fact that kaoru has the most graphic and extreme trauma doesn't sit well with me). also, where as in the US where the progressive thing is women being feminine and powerful (countering connotations of masculinity=power) , in japan the progressive thing is women being non-feminine and powerful (ex: utena) since women only being powerful when they are feminine is used as a tool to oppress women. Momo herself is a girl with nonstandard gender expression who also seems to be questioning her gender identify, playing around and testing gender expression (momotaro/etc.) to see what fits, which is very healthy. so momoe could be trans, or might not be. Like many 14 year olds I don't think she quite knows herself. I think she's trying to reconcile the gender expression she is comfortable with with the gender norms presented to her by society and I don't know in the end what conclusion momo with draw. sometimes things are ambiguous, there no one box we are destined to be in. but the inclusion of this type of character who is genderqueer (in the broader sense) in a tv anime is a hopeful step in the right direction for the industry. ok back to the ending watching you pet be murdered, eaten, and then forced to eat your pet is traumatizing. why would you do this to momo.

#wonder egg priority #wep

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pergaias · 4 years

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excerpts from books i’ll never write ; ii

the varying lengths of these excerpts mess with me and my perfectionism istf - some are long, like this one, others are short, but hey - all of them lead to the same place. nowhere.

this is the entire first chapter of a story that i will never finish so um - enjoy ?

title: checkmate word count: 3030

CHAPTER ONE

1.1 ‘YOU THINK YOU’RE FUNNY, RIGHT?’

“VENETIA VERNE, INTERN FOR The White Knight Herald.”

Venetia Verne was done. Done with her job-- being a reporter only sounded fun in theory-- done with her outfit-- what in the world was she thinking-- and of course, done with Octavia Tyrell.

Tavi. Her buttercup.

Venetia was pretty sure her eyes were so swollen that her cry-fest would be painfully obvious, and was also pretty much positive that she looked like a wreck.

Not even the fancy perfume she stole from Octavia last night would mask the smell of abject heartbreak.

Seventeen years old but acting twenty-three, Venetia always prided herself for being mature, collected, and a total bitch.

Of course, the bitch part was usually used affectionately-- Tavi had always called her you bitch! as an endearment, just like the way Venetia used to squeeze her hand and whisper buttercup.

Seventeen years old, but acting twelve when it came to breakups.

“Right this way, Miss Verne,” a female assistant led her across the hall, and Venetia surreptitiously straightened her skirt out. She had chosen a dove-colored skirt and a very vintage white blouse-- vintage chic had always been her style, even though Tavi always pushed for her to look more preppy-glam.

As if. Octavia managed to look like Elle Woods but black-and-white. Venetia was stuck as a Forties poster ad.

“Thank you,” Venetia tried for a smile, but it came out vaguely grimace-like. Had she spent all night crying? Possibly. Was she tired of life, the universe, and everything? Also possibly.

For the record, the answer was not forty-two. Screw the flying dolphins and their musical number about fish.

The assistant nodded, her hair in a bun so tight that Venetia’s scalp sympathized. “Our director is quite excited to meet you, Miss Verne-- he says you’re the best in your generation, and our boss at the Herald has never been more excited about a high school prospect-- you must be doing something right.”

Venetia tried for another smile, but this one looked like a leer. The assistant smiled sympathetically, her heels clicking rhythmically against the tiled floor of the building. She was probably tired of everything, too-- the office had the feel of a morgue.

As Venetia trailed behind her, her mind kept wandering to Tavi’s coily dark hair, her rich laugh, the way her brown eyes caught the light and turned to gold. Tavi’s lips on the other boy’s, her hands reaching up his shirt--

Venetia broke off. Octavia didn’t know she saw-- to Octavia, everything was still all well and good. Of course, Tavi was used to having everything she wanted. Spoiled, rich, princess bastard--

“We’re here, sweetie,” the assistant motioned to an imposing-looking door, a slightly condescending note to her voice.

“I appreciate the concern, but it’s Venetia, love.” Venetia allowed herself a smirk at the now-shellshocked assistant before opening the door herself.

Venetia Verne had no interest in being polite or heterosexual.

“Hi, Dad,” Venetia deadpanned, plopping down in front of the central feature of the office-- a heavy, fancy desk-- and all but putting her feet up. Today was just punch after punch after punch-- of course, Venetia could have rescheduled, but all that bitch energy had to go somewhere, right?

“Venetia.” Cyprian Jung looked no different from the day he divorced her mother, choosing a career and a fancy business conglomerate instead of a wife and tenacious daughter.

Let’s face it. Venetia was still just a little bit bitter. Just a little.

“Hi. Venetia Verne, intern for the White Knight Herald.” Venetia kept her coy smile, putting emphasis on her mother’s surname. “My final high school project involves me reporting on the crimes of--”

“You’re reporting on the crimes of the White Queen?” her father’s face snapped up, dark hair and hawkish nose and slanted eyes the color of pond scum.

“Yes,” Venetia said primly, her eyes narrowing.

“Venetia, sweetheart,”

“Don’t sweetheart me.”

“Venetia.”

“Venetia what, Father?”

“Venetia, do you know why I let you interview me?” Cyprian sighed, stroking his nonexistent beard with two fingers. Like, if he actually had one, Venetia was so going to pull an Aang-and-Firelord-Ozai and yank him down by the stupid goatee.

Think calm thoughts, Ven. Less violent, more… Passive-aggressive? Put salt in his coffee instead of sugar?

“Because, like you said. I’m the best of my generation.” Venetia’s gray-green eyes glittered. “And as we both know, the pen is greater than the sword.”

“What do you need to know?”

ON CYPRIAN JUNG

AS HARD AS IT may be to believe, Cyprian Jung wasn’t always a douche CEO and The Worst Father of the Year.

Once upon a time, Cyprian might have been Venetia’s favorite person in the world-- but Venetia always skips over that information, and more often than not, likes to pretend that her father didn’t exist.

Because being raised by a single badass mother sounded a lot cooler than “yeah, my dad decided that his business was a better child than I was, lolol”

But when an new upstart reporter’s article landed on his desk one drizzly Monday morning, Cyprian was shocked to realize that his very gay, very disappointing daughter was the one who wrote it.

Now, we can go two directions here. We can say that Cyprian was so proud and so moved by his daughter’s shrewd reporting skills and her article, or we can say that Cyprian saw something in his daughter that he realized he could exploit, like any good, cunning businessman.

Venetia Verne, who looked-- and acted-- nothing like her father (who seemingly embodied every single fucking Asian stereotype-- how did he even do that?) was proud that she was her mother's daughter.

She hated every resemblance she had with Cyprian, of which she unfortunately had a multitude.

And here comes the plot twist: Cyprian Jung, even though he seemed like he didn’t care for his daughter at all, did.

That was why he called her into his office on an unnaturally-bright Saturday, the day after Venetia and her girlfriend went to a Friday night house party and Venetia stumbled in on her girlfriend in the middle of a hot make-out sesh with a boy.

And before Venetia turned to her mother for advice on her problem, and before she decided to become who she wanted to be for herself, her father would do one good thing for her.

And it would be the only good thing that Venetia would ever, grudgingly, accept that he did.

1.2 ‘CALLING ME DRUNK WHEN IT’S TOO LATE AT NIGHT’

VENETIA CAME BACK FROM her interview with her father a little satisfied and a little angry.

Satisfied because she had the outline for her next article all set out and ready to go-- complete with quotes from her father about the White Queen-- and angry for two reasons.

One, because her father really thought that way? Screw him.

And two, because Venetia had always gone to lunch on Saturdays with Octavia at their favorite boba shop, munching on Taiwanese food and complaining about how difficult ‘life-ing’ was. Octavia had always managed to make Cyprian (and her own father’s) bigoted ideals about feminism (and gay culture, honestly) seem funny.

Venetia pressed her lips into a tighter line as she finally got out of her father’s ice-cold office building and onto the street, where the motion and movement of the city slowed, if not stilled, her thoughts.

Her flat shoes dragged against the gritty pavement as Venetia trudged towards, actually, Venetia didn’t know where she was going. She just kept walking, her bag over her shoulder and one hand brushing against the folds of her skirt.

Venetia hated not having purpose. Saturdays were hard because those were the days that lacked the most schedule-- school days had school, with designated wake-up and go-the-fuck-to-sleep times. Saturdays were full of freedom, and Venetia Verne didn’t know what to do with it.

So she continued walking, wishing that she had something to do. There was always lunch with Tavi to look forward to, or thrift shopping if she wanted. She could walk around the city aimlessly, or she could go home and mope around--

In her bag, her phone buzzed insistently. Only one person ever texted and didn’t call-- Tavi.

Tears burned the backs of Venetia’s eyes, and a lump formed in her throat. Octavia was probably calling wondering why she wasn’t at the shop yet, knowing about her girlfriend’s affinity for punctuality and structure.

Octavia was just going to ignore it.

She didn’t confess to a fuming-but-hiding-it Venetia last night that she had cheated, nor had she acted any differently. With her cheerful I love you, bitch and her insistent flirting with anyone who spared her an appreciative glance but her fake assurances that she was Venetia’s and Venetia’s alone.

Venetia’s fingers tightened around the material of her skirt, twisting the fabric until she was positive the texture would be printed onto her fingers. Her calculating eyes swept over the people around her, dresses in shades of black and white and navy. All business suits or pencil skirts.

Her phone buzzed again, and Venetia ignored it further.

If Octavia was going to ignore the elephant in the room, Venetia sure as hell wasn’t going to point it out. She remembered the way her stomach had dropped when she pushed the door open looking for her jacket, the way that outrage pulsed through her veins, tempered by shattering disappointment.

If Venetia had marched in and screamed at Octavia, what would it have changed? Tavi was used to getting everything she wanted.

So Venetia had gently shut the door and crashed into a different-- thankfully unoccupied room-- and splashed her face with the coldest tap water she could get, staring directly at the bathroom light so she wouldn’t cry.

Venetia hated crying, hated showing any form of vulnerability. Because Venetia Verne was a sphynx, carved out of stone. Her father had always called her Sphynx, because when she was upset she tended to not show it.

Well, Venetia’s resting bitch face was downright legendary.

If Venetia had said something, what would it have changed? Octavia, skillful with words, would have laughed and said that her girlfriend was drunk, or sleep-deprived, or both.

And Venetia knew that she herself would have believed it.

Octavia could paint pictures with words in a way that Venetia had never seen before-- and her mother was a supervillain.

And that was the other reason why she was angry.

Because her mother was the White Queen, and her father’s opinion made her blood boil.

It really puts opinions into perspective when people are ignorant: if you uploaded a picture of yourself to an internet forum-- not saying that it was yourself-- and asked people to describe it, what would they say?

Venetia’s phone kept buzzing.

Her fist kept clenching.

And the spiral-- no, noose-- of her thoughts tightened.

1.3 ‘TELLING ME TRUTHS THAT YOU KNOW ARE LIES’

“OKAY, AM I ALLOWED to be done with this?” Venetia fumed to her secondary best friend Gray, who Venetia was positive was sick of her. She only came running over to the mild Australian boy when she lost another of her friends, and ditching him once she made a new one. If Venetia wasn’t such a heartless bitch, she would have felt bad for the way she treated him.

“Yes, you are,” Gray said patiently, trailing meekly behind her.

“Well, good,” Venetia snapped, storming through the halls of the local high school.

The rest of her dreary Saturday had come and gone in a whirl of anger-grief-bitching-stress eating, and Sunday the same.

“Hey, Ashie!” Venetia was in a seriously pissy mood, and decided then and there that she was going to call everyone by obnoxious nicknames only that day. Asheton Shore, who adamantly went by Shore, was her first victim.

“It’s Shore!” the boy bellowed.

Behind her, Venetia heard Gray scurry behind a wall of imposing-looking seniors. “Ashie,” Venetia drawled, walking closer to him. Her skirt swished with each step she took-- while Asheton Shore’s close companion Maeren Sepia liked vintage too, Venetia always secretly knew that her style was better.

“Fruck,” Shore muttered-- no, it was Ashie, Venetia told herself firmly.

“Come on, Venetia.” Gray was back, his eyes shifting around nervously as he carefully took her by the arm and steered her away.

“Damn it,” Venetia hissed, digging her fingers into the material of her skirt.

“Okay, I know you’re--” Gray cringed, “bitching about the whole Octavia thing, but--”

“You can say the word bitch, Gray.”

“I don’t want to call you a bitch, Ven.”

“Oh my fucking god, Gray. When you think of the word bitch you should think of my face.”

“I don’t like cursing.”

“Fuck that.”

“I don’t like you.”

“Right back at you, Gray.”

“You’re such a bitch.”

“Thanks.”

Venetia huffed; Gray bit his lip, sighing. Yes, he was very much done with Venetia and her bullshit. Venetia herself was done with Venetia and her bullshit.

Like Ashie, Gray went exclusively by his last name. Then again, when you had a name like Devlin-Tibereus, you wanted to purge that name from your memory. And ‘Asheton’ didn’t even seem so bad if you had the misfortune of being named Devlin-Tiberius Gray-- the Second.

And no, Venetia was not allowed to call him Take Two.

“Come on, we’re going to be late to class.” Gray was tugging at her sleeve insistently. Sometimes Venetia thought of him as an insistent-yet-adorable puppy, the kind that was a total sweetheart until they gave up and peed on your carpet.

“I wanna ditch,” muttered Venetia, who was very acutely aware that Octavia would be attending the same class.

And even though Venetia spent a weekend moping around mooching off of Octavia’s Netflix and eating half-melted ice cream, ghosting Octavia when she tried to call, and doing everything except think about Octavia-- which was a form of thinking about it-- she wasn’t ready to face her.

At all.

Gray blew out a breath-- yes, he was very, very sick of her already.

“Let’s ditch.” Gray said suddenly, planting his feet and nearly throwing Venetia off-balance.

Venetia gaped. “Where the fuck is Gray and what did you do with him, Take Two?”

“I am not take two! Ven, how many times do I have to tell you? Come on, let’s ditch.”

“You’re finally speaking sense, Gray.” Venetia patted his back appreciatively as they blew past the classroom they were supposed to be in and towards the exit. “About time.”

Gray smiled, flashing his elusive dimples. “No shit.”

1.4 ‘YEAH, YOU THINK YOU’RE FUNNY, RIGHT?’

“SO,” VENETIA SAID LAMELY, her feet dragging against the dusty pavement as she and Gray trudged away from the school, casting furtive looks over their shoulders to make sure that they weren’t being followed. “How’s Teddy? Do people still get to call her Taffy?”

“Taffy’s fine,” Gray said, and didn’t elaborate. Venetia didn’t press-- she knew she was already pressing her luck with her friend-- if Gray could even call her that-- by dragging him with her.

Teddy-- or Theodosia-Amélie Frances Gray-- was Gray’s little sister, who was affectionately called ‘Taffy’ by her close friends and family. Venetia wasn’t sure if she fell in that category, but like most only children, she had a fascination with siblings.

Like how both Gray and Teddy had the same smile and mousy hair and dimples, but they shared different things with their parents, like how Gray and his mother had the same nose but Teddy had the same pattern of freckles across her cheeks.

“That’s nice. Where do you want to go, coffee?” Venetia asked, and suddenly laughed. Out here there was no Octavia, no pressure, no teachers breathing down her neck as she struggled through trigonometry.

Gray’s elusive dimples flashed. “Coffee sounds nice-- as does the idea of ditching, honestly-- and you can rant to me about Octavia. You know, you shouldn’t call her Octavia or Tavi. What about Tyrell?”

“Why shouldn’t I call her Octavia?” Venetia asked, bemused.

“I don’t know!” Gray grinned. “Maybe… I don’t know, Octavia sounds too nice. I’d say ‘call her a bitch’--”

“But I’m the bitch.” Venetia finished, mirroring Gray’s grin. She and Gray always clicked-- no matter how Venetia abandoned him or pushed him aside for her other friends-- not that she had any, which was the irony of it-- Gray was always waiting with his remarks and banter and coffee-fueled highs.

“Exactly.”

“I really am a bitch, you know. Makes you wonder how Buttercup-- I mean Tavi-- I mean Tyrell-- fell for me in the first place.”

“Eh, probably the bitchiness itself.”

“True, true.”

Gray grinned again. “I missed you-- which probably is the wrong thing to say, but hey-- Taffy tattles on me for swearing all the time, while you swear just as much--”

“More. I swear more than you, Tibe.” Venetia smirked and quirked an eyebrow, and Gray sighed.

“I’m never going to win that argument, am I?” he asked, half smiling.

Venetia winked-- or tried to, since she couldn’t wink to save her life-- and nudged Gray’s shoulder with her own. “Never, Take Two.”

“You know, I can call you Veni Vidi Vici.”

Venetia scowled. “My mother really had something against me naming me Venetia Lavinia, didn’t she? Veni Vinny Verne, I mean, seriously?”

Gray smiled, flashing his dimples again. “Someone’s in good spirits.”

“Just drink your damn coffee, Gray.”

“Just let us get to the damn coffee shop, Verne,” Gray mimicked her tone, his wavy hair bouncing as he walked.

“You’re almost as annoying as,” Venetia paused to snap her fingers, “whatshisname Lock. Lochlan Ryals-- don’t some people call him Cinnamon?”

“Lock?” Gray asked, his eyes lighting up. “That’s a compliment.”

“Well, I sure didn’t mean it that way,” Venetia said dryly, her eyes trained on the coffee shop that was coming into clearer view.

“Well, time to order coffee black as my soul,” Venetia said brightly, swinging the door open and following Gray inside.

“Yeah, right,” he muttered, but he was smiling.

“I’m hilarious,” Venetia deadpanned, tossing her pin-straight hair.

“You really do think you’re funny.”

Venetia smirked. “Yep, I think I’m funny, right?”

#cece writes #checkmate #songfic #excerpts from books i'll never write #circa august 2020 😌#this was supposed to tie into wifey's book LOVE-PROOF #but neither project ended up really happening lmfao

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granddaughterogg · 4 years

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I got tagged by @strifesbitch, so here are my ten favourite nonexistent dudes (who aren’t Horsemen for a change) in no particular order.

1. Toshinori Yagi AKA All Might from Boku No Hero Academia

This man has two identities: one of them is a consummate superhero, a jolly, muscly giant with a thunder of a laughter. The other is a sickly, aging, painfully dorky man who looks like he was made of driftwood. The latter pays dearly for the former’s act of selfless bravery. I fell in love for him after two episodes and I never looked back.

2. Ginko from Mushishi

Ginko’s job description falls somewhere between a witch doctor and a paranormal investigator. He travels endlessly through the poetic landscape of early twentieth century Japan. Always on the go, because the tiny, insect-like creatures woven from primordial magic - the titular Mushi - amass around him wherever he stays in one place for too long, and that is bad for other people. He is a quiet man who possesses arcane knowledge and uses it to help others, or sometimes just to explain the fate that has befallen them. Smokes like a chimney. Snarky, but not in your face about it. What’s not to love?

3. Snake Plissken from Escape from New York and Escape from Los Angeles

A tough-as-nails action hero from the eighties. They don’t make them like this anymore and for a good reason. Snake’s vitriolic sense of humour, his aggressive lack of deference towards idiots in charge and mind-blowingly narrow ass rocked my world back when I was a young’un. He taught me that you don’t have to be tall to be awesome. What you need is Attitude.

4. Michael Wincott in The Crow

Y’all know it is him who gave Death his voice, right? The script name of this character is Top Dollar, but no one cares or uses it anyway. I was a wee pre-teen when I saw this movie. Saw this man in his posh gothic regalia sauntering around, piercing people with swords, equal parts charming and obnoxious - and I realized what it means to be heterosexual. A man with a voice like gravel and a face which possessed a rare, brutal, incoherent kind of beauty. (By which I mean all my then-friends thought that he Ugly As Fuck and I’m being weird.)

5. Mr. Kaji from Neon Genesis Evangelion

The world around him was going to hell, but Ryoji Kaji always could spare a moment for romance. Dude got this kind of a bittersweet knowing smile which I think Strife has, too. He’d present himself to the world as a lewd goof, but there was unbridled sadness and commendable stoicism on the inside. Talk about a package.

6. Jotaro Kujo from Stardust Crusaders

Everyone here knows this guy, right? Built like a fridge. A quirky sense of style. Possibly autistic. His creator modeled him after Clint Eastwood’s Man With No Name - the ultimate Cool Guy of white folks’ cinema - which is why he is so tall and remains unmoved by most of the crazy shit happening around him. Jotaro came into my life late - just last year or the year before that? - but he taught me something important. You can bottle up your anger and put it away for later use when it will be needed most. It’s a skill worth obtaining, ora.

7. Joseph Joestar from Battle Tendency and Stardust Crusaders

Jotaro’s grandfather. Used to look a lot like him, but his approach to life couldn’t have been more different. This JoJo is an irresponsible, charming, hyper ball of horniness and unfounded optimism. His two time tested strategies for defeating villains include shit-talking them to death or NIGERUNDAYOOO!!! (which means hauling ass.) His grandpa iteration has a massive sugar daddy energy. Also, he cheated on his long-suffering wife while being in his sixties and unwittingly created another JoJo.

8. Artemy Burakh from both Pathologic and Pathologic 2

This man is made of opposites, one leg stuck in the mysticism of his tribal heritage, another - in the outside world of logic, reason and science. He doesn’t feel at home in either of them. People of the Russian steppe town struck by this supernatural plague call him the Ripper, yet he is the one who will save them from total oblivion. His brand of snark got this melancholy at the core, which I feel is very Russian. He kills marauders with a knife, yet is soft towards orphaned children. A surgeon by trade, he can and will hold your heart in the palm of his hand.

Okay, it’s late and I’m all out of dudes. Let’s stop at 8. Not gonna burden anyone with a tag. Feel free to join in on the fun.

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karazrel · 4 years

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i know the worst case scenario for this kara/william thing is a wash and repeat of every other failed relationship on the show where they’ll shove it down our throats for a season and a half then scrap it when everyone from the audience to critics hate it but like. am i strong enough to do this for the third time in a row... can i really sit through kara telling william she’s supergirl cause she doesn’t want to keep secrets from people she ~loves~.... can I suffer through another year of forced heterosexuality and nonexistent chemistry... am i strong enough

#every day is just: i will keep watching sg. no i wont. yes i will because i wont ❤️#anyway if theyre together by the end of s5 and im still watching this show you all have permission to beat my ass til i acquire better taste #i talk

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petekaos · 4 years

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hi so ive been studying thai cultures of sexuality and gender for my (kind of not really) college thesis and obviously my research had been little limited because of the lack of english papers on the subject (so !! if you're thai and LGBT+ PLS correct me) but one thing that i've been wrestling with in criticisms of this show is how people have rallied against wife/husband discourse because it feels like a very Eurocentric look at how people express their sexualities. (And +

this comes from someone who hates top/bottom + wife/husband gendering myself!) Thai conceptions of gender/sexuality don’t really fit into the categories of LGBT(+) as easily as believed, especially since the terms people used can often differ based on the sexuality and gender of WHO they’re attracted to and also on the presentation of gender rather than what people feel they are! +

(Also the word phet means both gender AND sexuality, meaning there is not often a distinction between gender/sexuality and boy can you tell I have nothing to do with my time) Which is oh my god confusing but to give an example, when gay was first introduced as an identity marker people began to refer to themselves as “gay kings” v “gay queens” based on which dude was the sexually receptive partner. +

Lesbians are also gendered in a similar format: “tom” tends to refer to butch lesbians (and can sometimes be seen as part of the overarching kathoey third gender) and “dee” refers to femme lesbians. To clarify, I am Indian-American and therefore would solidly punch someone in the face if they tried to classify me and my (nonexistent lol) partner as the “wife” v “husband,” +

especially when the roles you take in bed become an essential part of how you communicate your identity within the gay community. In the states, you can call yourself a lesbian without having to qualify how butch or how much of a top you are, in Thailand the words themselves inherently hold that connotation. Not saying its right, but there is cultural precedent that I think is interesting to explore in asking WHY this trope is so common. +

I know there have been certain shows that have had characters say that they are bi/gay (ie. Mean’s character from UWMA, Ohm’s character from HCTM) but these are not words that originated from Thailand itself, they are loan words from English. That’s not to say they’re invalid in any aspect, but that DOES say that while people who do fall into gay/bi categories may have existed, there was little/no direct translation for these words in thai until the 1960s. +

When gender and sexuality are not considered distinct categories but are rather all lumped under the term “phet,” it is therefore Hard in Thailand to lump people together as ie. Bi without having an additional sex and gender qualifier in the term. “Seua bai” (which means bi tiger and wtf why is that SO cool) refers to /masculine/ bi men, but seau bai are also not seen as completely male because, +

again, seau bai as a phet implies that they are not 100% phu chai - male - which really only refers to heterosexual men. SO while I would love to see tine/sarawat say that they are bi/gay, I’d also equally love for them to express that they are bi/gay with terms inherent to thai, bc I think that offers a really interesting perspective to int fans (and straight thai fans who are unaware) on how gender/sexuality can be different in other cultures. +

They could also offer criticism on these terms if they feel too narrow, which would be really valuable coming from thai writers/producers themselves. Anyway I thought this would be good food for thought, and if LGBT+ thai people have different perceptions PLEASE talk about it if you feel comfortable bc your experiences and knowledge are very valuable and appreciated! Hope this was interesting, sorry for all the spam! i love ur blog rahul -bear

ah thank you so much for this! i have been wondering about this as well recently as more east asians have been speaking up about sexuality and gender in their cultures and how that doesn’t coincide with how westerners express their sexuality and gender. i mean, there are terms that overlap (in indian culture, we have some of those as well, but then we also have hijra and thirunangai and thirunambi in tamil culture) but there are some words exclusive to thai culture specifically. this was great food for thought and i’ll be more careful in the future when it comes to expressing my thoughts on terms for sexuality in bl shows.

i think it would be really interesting to see these terms used and criticised, if need be, by actual thai lgbt writers and producers. it would be nice to see more of thai culture paid homage to in shows like these and to see the search for labels or terms that fit oneself, i know that has been hard for me personally considering english terms as well. the way we perceive gender and sexuality tends to be very eurocentric and sometimes we need to realise that we need to see things through a different lens and the influence of culture and society on the reason why a lot of these characters don’t use fixed english loan words to describe themselves. this was a super interesting read, thank you! i should have educated myself on it earlier as i got more into this fanbase, but thank you so much for coming along and providing us this information :’)

furthermore i think it would be interesting, as you said, to get input from actual lgbt thai people on this! so if you are lgbt and thai, feel free to send me an ask talking about your experiences and journey with terms and labels, both thai and english, if you feel the want to. y’all always have a platform here with me and i will try my best to provide my insight as well if asked or needed, be respectful, and listen! your knowledge and inputs are very much appreciated, especially when it comes to shows like these and the sometimes unfair criticism they get from people with a western-centric point of view.

thank you once again, my friend!

#super interesting read !! thank u for opening my eyes to this even when you didn't need to #bearsippingtea #rahul answers #ref #asian tag #mlm tag

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halictus-writer · 4 years

Text

Welcome to Seattle (Ch. 2 of 5)

The next week went by smoothly. Remus had gotten into a familiar routine with his new job, and became more friendly with his colleagues who also wrote for the newspaper. He had always had a tough exoskeleton, but it didn’t take too long to become comfortable enough to let some of his walls down for a few select coworkers. In stark contrast to his friends from college, these coworkers did not press him for details about his dating-- or as James more bluntly put it, sex-- life. In any case, both were nonexistent.

*James changed the name of the chat to “Operation get Remus laid”*

James: Alright, here we go. Remus, are you ready to read some wisdom coming from yours truly?

*Remus removed James from the chat*

The truth was, Remus wasn’t opposed to getting back out there. The only drawback was that he didn’t know how to get back out there. His relationship with his ex had started organically, with little effort on Remus’s part. And being in a serious relationship for so long had saved him from having to learn how to flirt and casually date new people.

*Lily changed the name of the chat to “Help Remus get back out there, if he wants to”*

*Lily added James to the chat*

James: Alright Remus, you’ve had a chance to get all settled down in your new place, but now it is time to wake up and smell the coffee

Lily: What James means, Remus, is that we think you should maybe try to re-enter the dating scene. Only if you feel ready, of course.

Remus: is this an intervention?

Lily: no

James: yes

Dorcas: ooh are we voting? Marlene is driving so she can’t text but we both vote yes

James: Remus. My son. Fruit of my loins. You are a total catch. It is time for you to take your beautiful face out from behind those sad Jane Austen novels I know you’re rereading every night and get your freak on

Remus: I appreciate your investment in my sex life, I really do, but I think I’m doing fine.

Remus: also you’re not my dad. I’m older than you by five months

James: Oh really? Let’s play a game where you say True or False to each statement I make.

Remus: Fine. But only until my lunch break ends

James: Here’s the first one: My name is Remus Lupin

Remus: ...true

James: My favorite food is chocolate.

Remus: true

James: The most recent time I had sex was within the last 2 months

*Remus removed James from the chat*

Remus spent the rest of his lunch break walking through Pike Place Market. He loved the lively atmosphere of the place, and mentally mapped out the places he would like to spend more time in, in the future. No longer constrained by a vacation schedule, he can see as many shops and stores in Seattle as he would like.

He also sent pictures of the most interesting areas to the friend group via Snapchat. Having multiple avenues of communication proved to be very helpful for a group of people as prone to theatrics as they were. Any arguments or disagreements could stay in whatever platform they originated in, and if people were (temporarily) removed from that platform, they would still have access to another. This unspoken agreement allowed the group to plan James and Lily’s upcoming visit on Snapchat, while Remus kept up his faux-anger at James’s nosiness in the messages app. Remus knew he would tell them everything when he saw them in person, but being ambushed with the topic on a Tuesday while he was at work was not his preferred arena.

***

Saturday morning found the group reunited at a breakfast nook within the Market. Remus sat next to Lily in one booth, opposite Dorcas and Marlene, while James sat in a wooden chair on one end. Remus appreciated that his friends made sure their seating configuration didn’t highlight his own status as the fifth wheel.

After catching up on everyone’s lives, and many pointed glances directed at James from customers who evidently didn’t want to hear the piercing falsetto James used when reenacting conversations with Lily’s sister, the conversation found its way back to Remus’s dating life.

“Remus, you’re a catch and a half. It’s been a few months since your relationship ended, and it may be time to get back out there.” Lily started.

“It’s true,” Marlene added, nodding, “if I weren’t dating Dorcas I would be all over you and your wool cardigan. Almost makes me forget I’m a lesbian.” She laughed as she dodged a light flick from Dorcas.

“If you were a woman I’d totally sleep with you.” James said sincerely.

“Uh oh, misogynistic comment tax!” Dorcas swept in and took a piece of bacon from his plate before dividing it between Lily and herself. “For the vegetarian,” she made a half bow gesture from her seat as she presented Marlene with a liberated strawberry.

“Um, thank you for the votes of confidence, I think,” Remus began. “I appreciate it, I really do, well maybe not what James said, but I’ll admit defeat. I have been thinking about getting back into the dating scene.”

“A-ha!” James shouted, gesturing his final piece of bacon towards Remus. “The man is smelling the coffee. I can see it, he’s smelling it.”

“But,” Remus said softly, hoping that his reduced volume would subtly encourage James to be quieter as well, “I don’t really know how to meet people. I mean, we’re not in school anymore.”

“It isn’t easy, but you are in a much bigger city now,” Lily reasoned, “so theoretically your dating pool is much larger.”

“And there’s all kinds of designated queer spaces here!” James added. “You can go to gay bars and stuff, right?”

“I would pay to see Remus at a gay nightclub,” Marlene said, laughing.

“I would pay to see Remus awake past nine PM,” Dorcas said, “and not because you’re finishing a book.”

“Okay, okay, thanks everybody. I appreciate it.” Remus said flatly.

“Alright, let’s reel it in. Point is, you can meet people organically here, and we’ll support you.” Lily said. After she gave pointed looks around the table, the others nodded, although James was still smiling. “We can switch the topic now, but you better plan on keeping us updated on all your dating endeavors.”

James continued to smile mischievously, and added “And all of your casual sex endeavors. I need to know the exact starting date of your post-breakup hoe-phase. Get on the dating apps! You’d be a beast on there.”

“No.” Remus and Lily said in unison.

Lily continued, “I think you’ll have better luck meeting people organically. Dating apps can be creepy.”

When Dorcas finally changed the topic by prompting Marlene to tell the story of the cat she swore was taking the bus by itself last week, Remus sighed in relief.

***

A few days after James and Lily’s visit, Remus and Dorcas met for coffee before work. Once they had gotten their iced coffees, and in Remus’s case, a giant brownie (he hadn’t been to the Italian restaurant in a few days, so it was well-earned), Dorcas began a monologue that could hold its own against one of James’s.

"Alright. We love James and Lily. We love their beautiful, heterosexual, suburban lives. I am in awe of their enchanting, heterosexual love story, and how they met heterosexually and organically in their Communications class, and how it must have been meant to be when James was late to class and took the only available seat, next to our heterosexual princess.”

Remus laughed in silence, trying not to choke on a bite of brownie.

“Their heterosexual hearts are in the right place. Their heterosexual advice is kindly meant. And yet!” Dorcas announced, punctuating with one pointer finger, “you’re gay!”

Remus, having just finished swallowing the brownie and mistakenly taken a sip of coffee, struggled to not spit it out.

“Dating apps can be weird, of course, but it’s so much easier to meet other queer people there, and not worry as much about hoping the person you flirt with isn’t going to be offended by your existence.”

“Fair point,” Remus said, consciously not eating or drinking until Dorcas was finished.

“Until they open an LGBTQ+ bookstore coffee shop combo, which they totally should, and you would totally thrive in, you should get on Tinder."

Somehow Remus blushed at that, despite being a twenty-six year-old man who has dated before.

Dorcas called him on his blush, and laughed. “You are the most wholesome person I know, it’s too adorable. I won’t make you talk about it in public if it’s embarrassing, but just consider it.”

Remus agreed to do so, but secretly considered the pros and cons of staying single forever. Making a dating profile sounded anxiety-inducing.

***

When Remus walked through the doors of the Italian restaurant for the third time, he instantly felt a little better, as if his brain was already beginning to associate the place with the healing effects of the pizza he would soon be eating.

He had been feeling a little down this afternoon, with his thoughts often gravitating back towards his ex. He considered reaching out to one of his friends, since he knew they would be more than happy to talk him through it, but decided that a little alone time would do him good. Besides, he hadn’t eaten margherita pizza in over a week. It was time to indulge.

Looking up from his booth, he was momentarily surprised to find Sirius standing right in front of him, ready to take his order. Sirius hadn’t been working during Remus’s most recent visit, and Remus tried not to stare at the wavy pieces of hair framing his face, the rest tied back in place. Realizing that Sirius had spoken, Remus tried to regain composure.

“Hi, um, sorry, what was that?” So much for composure, Remus thought.

Sirius smiled warmly, holding eye contact. “You’re good. I just asked what I can get started for you today.” He added a little gesture to the pen and notepad he was holding.

“Oh, um, one small margherita pizza, please. And some water would be great, too.”

“Coming right up!” Sirius announced, and turned towards the kitchen. Remus pointedly looked away from the view, reminding himself that he was here to feel sad, not lustful. But, then again, maybe the latter would help him get over the former. Either way, his spirits were already lifting.

When Sirius returned carrying a beautifully steaming pizza, Remus was ready to devour it. He was also ready to speak words to Sirius like a normal person, having mentally rehearsed “Thank you, this looks great.” a hundred times.

“Thanks, you look great!” Remus expressed, looking at Sirius. His blush immediately materialized. “Wait, oh god. Sorry–”

Sirius laughed, “No worries! People tell me ‘you too’ when I tell them to enjoy their food, like, at least once a shift. You’re in good company.”

Remus smiled and felt a little more relaxed. “Thanks.”

Sirius shuffled for a second, looking like he had more to say, before saying “Well, enjoy your pizza!”

“You too!” Remus said, in mock sincerity. They both laughed.

***

When Sirius brought the check, he also dropped off a piece of tiramisu. “It’s for you!” He said, smiling and already walking away, as Remus tried to protest.

Remus ate about forty percent of the cake, mentally focusing intensely on the next plot point in his novel. Eventually, the soggy texture overpowered his desire to appear grateful for the free dessert, and he left the restaurant quietly when Sirius stepped back into the kitchen, away from sight.

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kadeuhq · 4 years

Photo

Accepted — Yi Ujin

♥ Yi Ujin aka. Khaos looks like Lee Soo Hyuk (Actor) ♥ He was born April, 1867; making him 153 years old but he appears 32 ♥ This Concubi is Heterosexual and a Jack of Hearts ♥ He is the owner of The Golden Faerie Strip Club

Biography

The product of an incubus father and a demon mother, Ujin had received mixed reactions upon his birth from his parents. A father who reveled in the fact that his bloodline would be continued through to another incubus, and a mother who was filled with disappointment that she wasn’t going to be bringing a prized demon offspring home.

It was a courtship without love thus no complaints arose from Ujin’s mother when ten years later his father deigned it necessary to move realms to Kadeu, his motive being wanting to prey on their demise. She let them go but the woman refused to join them on their venture, her interests already being met right where she was and following an incubus child was not worth that sacrifice. For some this may have become a defining moment in their life but the fact that his mother didn’t want him had rolled off Ujin like water on a duck’s back, he actually related to his mother’s selfish motives.

Black ink rose to the surface on the boy’s wrist within days of arriving in Kadeu. The “J” marked on his wrist didn’t mean much to Ujin when he had first noticed it, he’d already seen the very same ranking on his father’s wrist. From the beginning the rankings hadn’t impacted Ujin’s life like it probably should have, it certainly didn’t seem to do much to his father at all. As Ujin was a high ranker himself without ever going higher or lower he did not face adversary or understand what it could be like to suffer as those low rankers did. Not that he cared to know either, they always seemed so miserable.

No great expectations were placed upon young Ujin’s shoulders, the world was his for the taking. Upon growing up he firmly chose to remain in the Hearts faction which his father had raised him in. There was no better-suited faction for someone like Ujin. Wealth and self-gain were two things that he was a strong believer in.

Swayed by lust, it only made sense that his place of business would be the same. Tasting the product was one of the many perks of running his own strip club, his dancers were elite and did well to satiate the incubus’ appetite for their mana. Low to mid-class fae being the most common of the scantily clad employees, the bar had earned its name the Golden Faerie and created its own little niche clientele. That was not all that the club was known for, Ujin had gained a reputation for savagely punishing the patrons that went too far with his dancers… all while laughing as he does it.

Over time the incubus has gained himself a nasty reputation for chopping the appendages which the patrons used to touch his staff, mostly just fingers and hands but there has been some more gnarly parts in the mix as well. That should have ruined his business however it made exotic dancers want to work for him for protection at the price of satisfying their new boss, and for the public, the danger only added to the allure.

Ujin only has one rule; don’t fuck with what’s his.

Personality

Lips laced with satirical humour, Ujin’s wandering hands were always in the pursuit of finding a willing warm body to spend a night or two with. Caring about little but money and women, he is a very carefree individual with a destructive nature.

No matter the rank, faction, or species of an individual, he would be cordial until the stakes were laid out. More often than not if he was crossing paths with someone it was because he either wanted something from them or they wanted something from him. He simply could never say no to a good deal thus high ranks or low ranks, he treated both quite similarly in nature. However once one has done something perceived as wrong towards Ujin, his attitude can turn ugly fast and play some of the nastiest tricks a person can think of.

His feelings on the factions are practically nonexistent, nothing really matters to him unless he was directly affected by it. Regardless, he supposed that occasionally he felt that the whole ordeal was quite amusing but it was gradually becoming background noise. Ujin is growing impatient because tensions have been rising in the hierarchy so he has been anticipating there will be an uproar between the factions soon.

Congratulations Bea your app has been accepted and your personalized plot drop will be sent to you soon.

Please follow and welcome @ujin-khaos to Kadeu!

#accepted;#follow;

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fictionalplagueproductions · 4 years

Text

If The World Was Ending

Part 2 - It Didn’t Scare Me

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Story Summary: Gavin is on the hunt for his missing android when the U.S. Government announces the end of the world. The end of his world. A world without his precious Nines.

Chapter Summary: Connor has managed to escape the clutches of android genocide, but Gavin isn't sure if the same can be said for Nines.

Pairing: Reed900 (Gavin Reed x RK900)

Rating: Explicit

Notes:

Based on the song “If the World Was Ending” by JP Saxe and Julia Michaels.

Short Three-Part Story (so I can channel this desire to make Reed900 come alive)

The progress of Gavin’s relationship with Nines was practically nonexistent. Between a man who refused to admit to his faults and an android built without social protocols, it was near impossible to get anything to happen. Not to mention, android prejudice was becoming a real threat for androids and their sympathizers.

Jim Crow laws had nothing on the division that androids were undergoing now, being collected and forced into the entire state of Michigan, that is. The government called it a “remedial period” in order to adjust to android integration and develop the proper rights specific to robotic sentients. Humans were allowed to stay if they elected to; some left, most begrudgingly stayed due to the inconvenience of moving.

There had been a few brave souls to come out about their relationships with the opposing species during this time. Gavin and Nines weren’t one of them. Rather, Gavin had not been. Although fresh into deviation, Nines was willfully blind to the hatred that people inflicted upon androids (despite the illegality of it). He had been prepared to tell the entire precinct the day they first kissed but didn’t per Gavin’s request.

He wasn’t ready.

Setting aside political excuses, Gavin was his own relationship inhibitor. Commencing these romantic interests with Nines was refuting the false exterior he had displayed for so long. Coming out to the world would create problems he was dead set on carrying with him to the grave. He had upkept a heterosexual reputation for so long, he wasn’t sure how to be anything else around his family and coworkers without embarrassing himself by mocking silly stereotypes. It didn’t help that Gavin was notorious for being against androids – what insults would he be subject to if they all knew?

As anyone might guess, there was hardly a “honeymoon phase” for the private couple. What they considered “dates” would have been any ordinary lunch break or sleepover for the typical person. It’s not that they didn’t enjoy the time they spent together, but it was always anti-climactic and never much contributed to the progression of their relationship.

For several months, doubt stacked against them.

It became second nature to squabble with one another when they crossed paths merely to maintain utmost confidentiality. They had both agreed the effectiveness of this plan; it was the safest preventative measure to anyone discovering the truth. And besides, the feelings of hate for each other would always subside by the end of the day. As soon as the pair stepped into Gavin’s rust-bucket-on-wheels, Nines’ attitude melted like nothing offensive had transpired from his mouth in the last twelve hours.

Gavin could forget for a while. Especially when Nines stared at him in that special way… that pleading, merciful stare which signified he was about to kiss him. Yes, he could forget entirely.

Until one day he couldn’t: a day in which he had found himself lying on Hank Anderson’s living room sofa.

“You don’t have to sit all the way over there, you know? They’ll be out of town for the entire weekend,” Nines had said. “I have their GPS locations, too, in case any plans have been changed.”

Gavin believed his android. That’s not why he distanced himself. “I know,” he mumbled, slaving his eyes to the television.

Nines was silent for several minutes. “I don’t want to do this anymore,” came his contingent response.

The heartbeat indicating Gavin’s pressing existence quickened under the flatline of words. He was sure Nines could and had picked up on it. “Do what?” he snapped back, though his misleading disruptive tone did not match the building fear within him.

“I don’t want to keep pretending.” The android pierced him with a sharp glare. “I don’t like hating you. I was programmed to be emotionless in spite of personifying assimilations. Do you know how difficult it is to override such programs and to express emotions anyway? To feel emotions? Wasting my energy on an action that I have no desire to perform is exhaustive and it confuses my ability to love you.”

Gavin sputtered, “Did you just say ‘lo-’.”

“Please Gavin,” interrupted Nines. He was undeniably aggravated. “It’s put distance between us. I know I have little knowledge and experiences with ‘dating’, but I know that it’s typical to have a common goal of becoming familiar with a chosen partner and sharing such feelings with one another. As far as we’re concerned, we’ve hardly done anything of the sort. I mean, look at you, you’re sitting all the way over there…” Despite the stolidity in his demeanors, his voice cracked for the very first time Gavin had ever witnessed. “…and I want you over here.”

Gavin was no sympathy-cryer, but it was becoming apparent how little credit he gave Nines. He swallowed the building tears down to speak. “I…uh…I didn’t know you were feeling all of this.”

Nines scowled. “I may not be well-versed in the ways of acting the part of ‘boyfriend’, but I thought it was an obvious concept that lovers should want to enjoy their time with each other. I had hoped that this weekend we might have the opportunity to overcome some barriers, that you might be able to tell me you’re ready. I….I… never thought I would be the one stupidly pining over an emotional skin-sack to make some sort of romantic gesture.” He was raising his voice now. “I felt closer to you when you actually hated me before any of this.”

Gavin sunk into the cushions, absorbing the uncertainty his android was exuding all of a sudden. How had he not realized? Nines had always appeared so self-assured about everything. How was he supposed to have realized? His voice relinquished an untrying defeat, “I-I’m sorry. Fuck, I don’t know what to do. I’ve always been so terrible…”

“At relationships or in general?” asked Nines, though his facial expression did not indicate a cynical undertone.

“Both,” he heaved. “Nines?”

“Hm?”

Gavin shifted uncomfortably under the burden of his thoughts. “Do you…ahem…uh, love me?”

“Of course, I do.” The android rolled his eyes as if the answer was an obvious one. “What’s this all been about if not for love?”

A growing pause erupted between them, then was broken by the anguished man. “H-How long?”

Nines, all of a sudden, seemed to comprehend the weight of his words and moved his lips apprehensively before speaking their contents. “Some time ago, I suppose. It wasn’t a concept I understood well until Connor pressed me to study and indulge in human culture. For a long time, until then, you were just Detective Reed. And then…”

He slowed to a stop, now staring through Gavin as if recalling the memory. His menacing ring spun red and Gavin half-expected for the android to blow a gasket at the bunched skin forming along his forehead. “…You told me to ‘go fuck myself’ for the one-hundred-and-twentieth time after I had informed you that patching my wounds with bandages and alcohol was futile. Your profane terms, I then realized, came from an endearing place… I found myself considering your actions, thereafter, studying you more than I typically would another human. It eventually led to my affections for you. Why do you ask?”

Gavin, himself, remembered that alarming day like it had happened just yesterday. It was the day he, too, realized he had grown to not regret the android’s presence. “The bullet didn’t hit a biocomponent, Detective Reed,” Nines had groaned. In that moment, the simulated pain erupting from his partner’s movements embodied that of a true human. It was more than convincing, so much so that Gavin was still very much convinced to this day that he was, in fact, human.

“That-That is a big word, Nines. It’s…not just ‘like’. It’s a complicated word.” He couldn’t bring himself to say it again. It was a word that burned his tongue every time it bugged up his throat; a humiliating form of gutting your innards and displaying them to the world.

His android considered this for a moment. “Love is described in several different ways, existing dependently on the perception of a person and what they value in another. I value your stubborn loyalty, Gavin, and the way you stupidly care for my wellbeing.” Another pause. “Do you love me, Gavin?”

That damned word roared through Gavin’s head, stirring in disbelief that someone had the ability to say it so confidently; and to have someone so perfect say it to him… Could he say it back? Could he even push the syllable through his lips? As bitter as it tasted, his response was not a matter of knowing the answer, but rather recognizing the consequences that accompanied his candor.

Could he say it?

“Yeah,” he exhaled, then corrected with a stronger “yes.” An immediate blush flushed from his ears to his toes. What an idiot, he had thought to himself immediately. Somehow, the admittance attracted more humility.

Nines smiled but made haste in his following words: “I’ve been an obedient android for most of my short life,” he spoke rigidly. “Now, I have to demand of you that things change if our relationship is to advance into more intimate parameters. You may have some time to figure out how you desire to go about it, but I require it to be within the next thirty days.” Regardless of his human’s wandering eyes, Nines coerced them to land safely on his own. “I love you, Gavin,” he said firmly, lulling into a softer tone. “I love you and I want more than this silly scheme you’re trying to conduct.”

“It’s not that eas-” Gavin tried, quickly cut off by his partner.

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear a single word you say when you’re sitting all the way over there!”

The android smirked, knowing his partner was fully aware of his keen hearing abilities. Bullheadedly, Gavin remained glued to his spot. “Okay,” hummed Nines, shifting onto all fours and crawling overtop of his human’s sprawled body. He slipped a palm underneath the awaiting man’s chin and flickered a glance to his lips. “You know I always get my way, why do you beset me to this tactic every time?”

Gavin turned away, forcing himself not to fall for the android’s seductive touch.

“That’s never worked either.” Nines fixed the man’s gaze back onto him with a gentle press against his cheek. “Gavin? I’m not asking. I may be android, but my deviancy is as untame as your own human chaos. And you’re not alone. I will help you through this.”

Gavin bit at his lip, still attempting to avoid eye contact but ultimately unable to resist the reflective pools pouring infirmity into him. “All right,” he breathed. “I-I’ll do it.”

It was the right answer. Nines had never been the greatest at reading into signs, but he was sure now – without the aid of dubious internet forums – that he should kiss this man that he loved. And he reminded this man that he loved him as he planted his lips gently onto his taut skin. Afterwards, Nines leaned back, gazing at his boyfriend expectantly. “I love you, too,” said he finally, cracking a genuine smile for possibly the first time in days.

Clearly satisfied, Nines hooked around Gavin’s jawline and dove down to meet him hungrily, asking now for a more invigorating stimulation. He shivered when fingers snaked through his synthetic locks, returning the intimate gesture.

Making out was about as far as they had ever gone. Keeping things a secret on top of their natural boundaries made for uneventful cock-blocks. But after everything that had ensued, Gavin was ready to take it to the next level.

Everyone would know about them by the end of the week, anyway; he would tell them all. Nines, the “socially inept” android wanted to be his boyfriend publicly. How could Gavin say no to such requests when his partner had already overcome a great feat himself? It was his turn, now.

Shit, Nines loved him.

From below, he slipped a clutching hand beneath the android’s indigo turtleneck and sunk fingernails into plastic skin that felt so real. Nines copied the action from on top of him. They were mostly motionless save for their conjoined mouths, and the lack of bodily movement didn’t concern Gavin at first. But when his android let a grunt slip, there was no restraining the leg that mounted over Nines’ ass and the upward thrust that grew Gavin to the vastness of his length. He wasn’t sure if Nines knew how to properly reciprocate, though Gavin was more than happy to continue to oblige in the repetitive movements.

The body became stiff above him and it fell in response. Not quite what he was expecting.

Nines then dropped into dead weight altogether, halting Gavin’s accelerating speed. “I don’t know what you want.”

“What do you mean?” asked Gavin. He thought it had been more than obvious what he was trying to segue into. After the bathroom incident, Gavin had ignorantly assumed all androids were capable of “doing it”. Had he been wrong? “Can you not-?”

“I can perform sexual actions, if that’s what you mean. It’s just, I’m not yet equipped.”

“Oh.” His wonder did not end there, curious as to how the part would attach and what was in place of the regular male form. Gavin imagined a bare Ken Doll, nakedly plastic in all its glory, sporting a mere bulge with no real appendage to put on display. The fickle state his android appeared to be in, however, told him tonight wasn’t the night to pry about such curiosities. “That’s okay, I was feeling tired anyways. Let’s just finish this movie.”

The android hesitated before sliding off of him and positioning himself along the edge of the couch, allowing himself to be encompassed by Gavin’s smaller yet protective frame. Although Gavin had hoped for more after exchanging such heavy vows, having his boyfriend back in his arms was satisfying enough. He fastened himself tightly around Nines like he would dissipate into thin air and rested a chin neatly over his blue LED.

Moments passed, then it flickered red. “Gavin? I’m still aroused, you know? After all, endorphins – human and android – aren’t produced in the genitalia.”

“What’re you trying to say?”

“I’m saying,” continued Nines with a growing devious grin, “that just because one of us doesn’t have the part, doesn’t mean we can’t still have a pleasing night.” The android looked over his shoulder at his human, feeling a lump beginning to swell against his backside.

Gavin felt his breath go hot as Nines shifted to face him, his expression spoiled with desire.

They had sex for the very first time on Hank Anderson’s couch.

A week later, Gavin was regretting the memory. Not because it wasn’t a pleasant one – in fact, it was so pleasant that, despite the harrowing circumstances, a warmth built in his groin when Connor invited him to take a seat in the exact spot that Nines had been bent over for him. But the feeling did not last long, soon replaced by a pang of melancholy.

Where was Nines now and why wasn’t he with Connor?

“I thought you knew?” asked the RK800. “He was with you last night when they broke the news…” He sat across from Gavin on the love seat.

“W-What? No he wasn’t-.”

Connor dismissed him with a wave of his hand. “Nines isn’t that sneaky. Even in my stasis, I could hear him fumbling with the doorknob. ‘Faster, stronger, and more resilient’, sure, but not a single drop of stealth thirium in him,” he snickered as a side-note. “He also hates lying, so he had a shaky alibi at best when I questioned his whereabouts. I was able to eventually put two-and-two together when your bickering increased excessively, assisted by no considerable motive.” Through a heavy frown, the older android managed to yank a line into the end where his lips met and grinned at the reddening man. “Did I crack the case, Detective?”

Gavin moaned, “I didn’t come here to play games. Look, even if all that were true – which I’m not saying it is – I just want to know where he is.” Desperation edged into his voice. “O-Or to know that he’s safe.”

“I wish I could say that he is. He…He left a few hours ago.”

“What?” Gavin nearly jumped out of his seat. “Where did he go? It’s not safe for him out there right now!”

“I know that. He chose to leave on his own accord. We share many qualities, but while hiding out here, he came to this strange conclusion that androids weren’t meant to coexist with humans. He thinks androids are the reason the country has become divided.” After every word that fell from Connor’s mouth, Gavin’s hope strained like a game of Jenga; a slow removal, piece-by-piece, that would inevitably lead to a thundering tumble. “He said it was for the best that everything was happening the way it was…”

“Spit it out already, Tin Can. Where’d he go?”

Connor choked on his final sentence, somehow appearing shocked by the words ghosting in his throat. “Nines turned himself into the nearest camp.”

In all his years of detective work, Gavin would never have suspected an android such as Nines to act as a martyr for his entire race. No, scratch that; this wasn’t a martyr. How could that be so if Nines was against his own kind?

“Why didn’t you stop him?” Gavin entered into a growl, targeting Connor now. The android seemed torn up about it as much as he was, but his was the only face he could put forth blame.

“I tried, Gavin, but you know Nines as well as I do, if not better. When his mind is made up…well, I guess you guys really made quite the match.”

“Yeah…” was all he could manage in response. Images of a Nines stripped of all of his human clothing and skin pulsed afront the detective’s own eyes. Fear rung his heart like a punching bag. It was enough to cause him to lose his breath, enticing a sharp black movement across his sights, and suddenly the world was but a dream.

He woke up to Connor placing ice cubes over his wrists and speaking to him softly. “Nines loved you, you know? It was obvious to both Hank and I. Hank wasn’t too thrilled about it…but Nines seemed much happier for a long time after we figured it out. And really… how can we be mad when you showed him what makes deviation so remarkable? What makes… being human so remarkable?”

Gavin shot up from the floor, pushing the android’s helping hands out of the way. “Iye needta go find ‘im.” The older RK did not follow him out the door – he couldn’t have stopped him, anyway.

Nines was out there somewhere.

He wasn’t dead yet.

Gavin could feel it.

Even when he traversed the local camps that had already been put up in the last ten hours without any sign of the broad android, Gavin pushed on.

He pushed on, assuring himself that Nines was still present in this world.

Nines was here.

He had to be.

He had to be, didn’t he? After all, androids were built to endure for much longer than the fragile human life. It was humans that grew determinately, breaking back down into simple compounds and returning to the earth after just a few decades. Nines was supposed to watch him grow old.

No, Nines was not supposed to be the one to die.

Nines deserved to live more than any one of them, android or human.

It wasn’t supposed to be him.

When, finally, the sun was set far beyond its mantle, Gavin had to call it a night. And furthermore, painfully accept the mortality of his partner, of his boyfriend.

It wasn’t a fair conclusion. Androids were sentenced to death because the U.S. government couldn’t handle the thought of losing another source of enslavement. As selfish as Gavin was to journey only to save his android, his mind had developed change over just a few short months. It was hard to deny their sentience, since denying it would have meant that Gavin was falling for a toaster.

No, it was unfair and there was nothing he could do.

Nines was gone. The one good thing that had entered his life was gone.

And there was nothing he could do.

Anger boiled through his fingertips as he went to climb out of his car.

There was nothing he could do.

Gavin tossed his backpack onto the concrete ledge to retrieve later and faced the open car door. He clenched a fist around the handle and slammed it shut. Then he opened it again, shoving the damned metal with two hands now back into place. He did this several times, hastening his pace until he was sure the metal had forged a new crater.

Nines was gone.

Gavin thumped his head against the roof and angled an arm around himself protectively. That’s when the sobbing commenced. A few hot tears first burned in his sockets procured from the heat of the moment, then subsequently melted into a downpour of bitter release. Saltwater oozed past his cheeks, mingling with the slimy discharge that leaked from his nose, and adhering further down to the drool that he lacked even the simplest of strength to swallow.

With each internal repetition of his own mantra, he slammed his head harder into the rusted metal:

“He’s gone.”

Thump.

“He’s gone.”

Thump.

And there was nothing he could do.

Nothing.

Not a single goddamn thing.

Time was a mere subjective entity to the broken man. It wasn’t until the chilling air exhausted his exoskeleton of numbness that he realized his tears ducts were emptied and his feet ached for cushion. Gavin drudged up the staircase to his apartment, stumbling over every step and dragging his pack by the tips of two fingers. It reminded him of all the times he had needed Nines’ assistance through his drunken stupors. His now lost ability to climb during these muddled states came as a surprise to Gavin; he had become more dependent on the android than expected.

Eventually, Gavin achieved his minor plight, falling against his apartment door and gripping the handle for balance. It took several heaves to catch his breath and a few extra beats in between for courage before he could bind the lock with its respective key; a distinguishable challenge on its own through the bubble beginning to well from his bottom eyelids. When the door swung open, Gavin could do nothing more than to stumble inside and accept the turmoil his heart revved within him.

As he went to kick the door shut, however, a movement startled his quakes into stillness and he called out into the darkness. “Who’s there?”

Heavy stepping erupted from his room and Gavin was quick to reach for his concealed carry. Slowly, the light above him crawled along the body of a man with hands raised in surrender. A red circular blink raised high among the shadow identified him before the light could touch his face.

“Gavin,” lamented a voice, just above a whisper. Bright grey eyes reflected under the aged fluorescence, glimmering wistfully at him.

The bubbles swishing in Gavin’s sights finally popped, spilling over and singing his raw skin. His hands separated from each other and the gun went slack at his side, him ogling the floor while doing so – refusing to believe the illusion set in front of him. Then, without any preamble, he recoiled his arm and tossed the firearm recklessly into the wall beside of Nines.

The android did not move.

“You fuck-fucking shithead!”

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artificialqueens · 4 years

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losing all my cool (branjie, oneshot) - holtzmanns

Here's a oneshot full of headassery to tide you all over until the next multichap. Thank you all SO much for all the support that you send my way both on AO3 and here about my fics. It makes me so happy and really motivates me to keep writing more. So, this exists because of you, in a way.

Writ is the bestest beta and friend and cheerleader in the world and I love them. Also the title of this fic is from Cool by Dua Lipa.

NOTE: The mug bit at the end - you'll know when you reach it - is inspired by a scene in a ghostbusters fanfic that I read years ago. So. Just wanted to make it clear that I can't take credit for that idea. That being said, enjoy!

Brooke Lynn Hytes is a lesbian. A premium cut, 100% Canadian beef hunk of lesbian, and everyone knows it.

Brooke wouldn’t necessarily say that it’s a big factor of her personality, per se. She just makes sure that it’s abundantly clear for any potential ladies around her to catch on. Plus, she fucking rocks a good beanie, oversized shirt, jeans, and docs combo and really, who wouldn’t know it from looking at her? Having a flashing neon sign above her head reading ‘GAY’ would probably be a little bit more subtle.

Despite the blatant display of her sexual orientation, it’s been awhile since Brooke has dated anyone seriously - a year and a half, to be exact. The time since has been a lament of Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, swiping right and left but not really ever clicking with anyone. Going out to the village but not really seeing anyone past a second date, because none of them really feel right.

Who would have thought that the dating scene in the city would have such slim pickings after awhile? Brooke feels like she’s wading through the same bunch of faces that she’s already seen before, way too many girls that have dated her exes or are her exes and really, she’s tired of it.

It’s a hard dilemma to explain to her friends, too, all of them either in long term relationships and happy or straight and having a way easier time finding guys for themselves. They don’t get the lesbian dating struggle.

“These apps are so dry. I’m going to be seventy years old and attending aquafit classes before someone pops up who’s going to actually catch my interest.” Brooke doesn’t mean for her words to come out in a muffled groan, but it’s hard for them not to when her face is buried in her hands.

“Aw, don’t be like that, B.” A’keria’s sympathetic hand reaches out to pat her shoulder, and it’s a little comforting, but not that much, not when A’keria’s other hand is busy texting her man. “You’re a catch.”

“I know I am. Problem is, I can’t find anyone else who is too.” Brooke shoves a forkful of pad thai in her mouth as she shrugs.

They really did all luck out, working in the same plaza. Brooke loves being able to catch up with the friends she’s made over lunch, Nina coming over from her bakery and Monique and Monet from their boutique and A’keria, Silky, and Vanessa from their salon. Having food options never hurts, either.

Brooke hears a snort as she takes a sip of her water, and looks up to see Vanessa rolling her eyes across from her, shaking her head.

“What?”

“You are so full of yourself, miss thing.”

Brooke shrugs, sprinkling more peanuts over her food. “I know my worth. A little bit of self confidence never hurts anyone.”

“Apparently, it hurts your dating life.” Vanessa grins, raising an eyebrow, and Brooke can’t help but pout.

“Hey! You don’t get the struggle. It’s harder when you date girls.”

It’s true. Straight people have it better. Straight people can pick each other up off the street, in the line for Starbucks. Straight people never have to wonder about if someone they’re into is also like them, if they’re even remotely interested. Straight people never have to look for smoke signals from potential people to date as clues. So Brooke’s not saying that Vanessa hasn’t been through it like she has when it comes to dating, but she’s also not not saying it.

Besides, Vanessa’s taking a break from dating, anyway. At least, that’s what she’d told their group after she’d broken up with her last boyfriend a few months ago. That she needs to go back and find herself or something.

Vanessa, though, seems unperturbed as she clacks her acrylic nails on the table. “Is it, now? Tell me, Brooke. Tell me about your struggle being a lady Casanova.”

“Okay, now you’re just making fun of me.” Brooke sniffs, leaning back in her chair.

It’s fine, really. She’ll find a girl eventually.

Maybe before she’s seventy.

If Brooke is the world’s most obvious lesbian, Vanessa is the world’s most incognito bisexual.

To most people, at least. Sure, Silky and A’keria know that Vanessa had dated some girls back in college, that her Tinder is set to both guys and girls. But everyone else?

Vanessa hasn’t seen the point of revealing it yet. What’s the rush, if she’s not dating a girl anyway?

Nor is she dating a guy right now either, but that’s beside the point.

Vanessa gets how she’s perceived. Face always beat, hair always styled, an aesthetic that’s femme as hell. Long ass nails, because why wouldn’t she get acrylics if she’s not getting coochie anytime soon? She looks good, but she also understands why she has had to be the one to hit on girls in the past, rather than the other way around. Because they always think that she’s a heterosexual.

And here Brooke is, doing the same thing. Not that Vanessa is interested in her - she needs a little bit more time with herself before dating again, especially after the drama of her last boyfriend. All she needs in bed is her rabbit toy, and it gives more pleasure than she’s gotten from her last two partners put together.

But she knows how Brooke sees her - straight, because Brooke’s playing into her own stereotypes about how girls interested in other girls look, how they act. Brooke would be the last person to guess that Vanessa’s bisexual, that she enjoys going down on a girl just as much as she does. Brooke, sweet lumberjack Brooke in her ripped jeans and her plaid as if she’s about to go chop a tree down with her nonexistent biceps. Classic lesbian, practically begging to be messed with.

And Vanessa has an idea. It comes to her as she’s walking back to the salon with Silky and A’keria after their lunch break, their friend group dispersing towards their respective businesses around the plaza. Vanessa finds it hilarious that Brooke’s a ballet teacher, going over releves and arabesques while looking like she can’t lift her own leg over her own head in those jeans. Though Vanessa knows she can, from one too many drunk nights out when Brooke’s old ballet dancer persona shines through as they stumble from the bars.

“You’re gonna what now?” Silky’s brows are furrowed, her eyes slightly squinting - partly from the sun, partly because she doesn’t seem to be following Vanessa’s train of thought.

Vanessa pats her arm as they swing open the salon doors once more. “I’m gonna confuse the shit out of Brooke. Shove all of her sapphic stereotypes up her ass.”

“As if she wouldn’t like that.” A’keria snorts, and Vanessa groans.

“Nasty. Point is, bitch has no clue I’m into ladies too. So, it’s time for me to get in her head. Make her reconsider how she sees other people.”

“How you gonna do that? Hytes is sharp. She’ll figure out something stupid in no time.”

Silky has a point. How can Vanessa fool Brooke in a way that won’t make her figure out what exactly is going on?

Except Vanessa, despite her normal state of being a bull in a china shop, does know subtlety, especially when it comes to displaying signals.

Which means she knows just how to get under Brooke’s skin.

The beanie from the top shelf of Vanessa’s dresser feels weird on her head the next morning. It’s one that she hasn’t pulled out since her college days when she had been trying to figure out her personal style and what suited her. Vanessa’s not mad at it, though, as she looks in the mirror. She’s still curled her hair and she’s still wearing heels but the button down she’s wearing with her sleeves rolled up is miles away from her normal aesthetic.

Not that she doesn’t rock it.

“Phase one, ladies.” Vanessa strides into the salon with a swing in her step, a coffee in each hand. Her first client isn’t coming in for another forty five minutes, but she’s here early for a reason.

“One of those for me?” Silky holds a hand out but Vanessa’s quick to lift the cup high in the air, out of her grasp.

“No can do. This one’s for someone in that dance studio four doors down. You know exactly who.”

Brooke’s fiddling with her phone, swiping through songs that play on the overhead speakers as the dancers in her studio warm up on the hardwood floor. Vanessa has to hold back a flinch at the way the dancers bend in half, pull their legs up higher than they ever naturally should be.

“Morning, Brooke!” Vanessa’s voice is faux cheerful, a smile on her face to hide the way she already wants to crack up.

“Morn!” Brooke’s none the wiser as she puts her phone down on the speaker system, turns around to face Vanessa before she pauses, eyes wide.

Bingo.

Vanessa can feel Brooke’s eyes trail up and down her frame as she hands Brooke her coffee. “You good? Looking a little spaced out there.”

“What? Yeah, I’m good.” Brooke sputters, taking a sip of her coffee to mask it but Vanessa catches it, of course she does. “What’s the coffee for?”

“Oh, no reason.” Vanessa shrugs, leaning against the wall. “Just thought I’d grab one for you, that’s all.”

“That’s, uh-very nice of you.” Brooke’s eyes are still as wide as saucers, and Vanessa has to hold back a snicker, because she’s so easy. “I like the beanie. Never seen you in one before.”

“Yeah?” Vanessa reaches up, fiddles with it, as if she hasn’t noticed it today at all. “Found this old thing in my closet and my hair was a mess this morning. Figured I’d bring it back, y’know?”

Sure, it’s a lie. Vanessa’s hair is meticulously styled as always, but Brooke doesn’t need to know that.

“Sure.” Brooke pauses on her words before continuing. “That shirt, too. It’s a nice one.”

Vanessa crosses her arms, the rolled up sleeves along her forearms showing off the simple black watch on her wrist. “Yeah? Didn’t think you ever liked what I wear. Or that you ever paid attention to my outfits. But it’s nice to know that you do.”

Checkmate.

Vanessa turns on her heels towards the door before Brooke gets to say another word, turning back towards Brooke as she’s about to step out. Brooke’s eyes are still on her, a crease in her brows, and Vanessa has never wanted to crack up harder.

“See you at lunch, Brooke.”

Lunch feels like it’s hours away, and it doesn’t stop V from fiddling with excitement throughout her morning appointments. The moment she gets to drop her styling shears and comb on her table is a relief, because it means that it’s time to execute the next part of her plan.

A’keria had originally made a face this morning when Vanessa had roped her into it, but Vanessa knows that she’s going to come through. Because A’keria is reliable like that.

Vanessa’s halfway through her dynamite rolls, but she feels like she has to scarf them down before the shenanigans unfold. She can’t focus on the conversations being held at their table, even though Monique’s story about their ridiculous customer from the morning is pretty funny. Especially because Brooke keeps peeking over at her while she picks at her tempura, which Vanessa catches because Brooke’s never been this quiet during their daily lunches before, so lost in thought with her brow furrowed.

Vanessa nudges A’keria beside her, their little signal. A’keria sighs a little before nodding, reaching for her phone, dialing Vanessa’s number. Just as they’ve planned.

Vanessa has to keep a snicker from getting out as Pussy Is God by King Princess starts blaring from her phone, because what better ringtone to choose for a scheme like this? Brooke’s head snaps up almost immediately, her eyes darting around the table to look for the source, and Vanessa takes the opportunity to stand up, hold out her phone.

“Gotta take this one, guys. I’ll be back, though!”

Vanessa has to try her hardest to not turn back, not peek at Brooke’s expression as she heads for the hallway with the sushi restaurant’s bathrooms, where she can answer A’keria’s fake call. “Thanks, bitch! I owe you one.”

“You really fucking do-”

Vanessa hangs up before A’keria’s done her sentence, and she can’t resist doing a twirl in front of the bathroom mirror, almost wanting to pat herself on the back. Because everything is unfolding exactly as planned.

She touches up her lipstick, dusts some more highlighter on her cheeks because she’s in front of a mirror, anyway, waiting for the time to pass. She watches the minutes tick by on her watch, and it’s hard, really, not to run outside right away, to see what Brooke’s face looks like at this very moment.

Kiki: what u got massive diarrhea in there or some shit

Kiki: come out already

Okay, maybe Vanessa should be waiting less than fifteen minutes.

It’s worth it, though, when she traipses out, sits right back down across from Brooke at the table, especially when Brooke’s face has about a million questions written across it.

“Sorry for leaving like that.” Vanessa holds out her phone, shrugs as she picks up her chopsticks once more. “Call from my ex, they’re in town. Wanted to catch up.”

“Oh?” Brooke’s face perks up in the most predictable way, and it’s exactly what Vanessa wants. Excellent.

Vanessa’s as cool as a cucumber on the outside, though. Quite an actress.

“Mhm.” Vanessa nods, grabbing an edamame bean as she does. “Think I’m gonna make plans with them for later this week. Our breakup was pretty chill.”

Brooke leans forward in her seat, ever so slightly. Just as she should. “What happened with you two?”

“We were just better off as friends.” Vanessa shrugs. “One of those people you still vibe with, y’know?”

“Sure…” Brooke trails off, tilting her head ever so slightly. “What did you say their name was again?”

“I didn’t.” Vanessa grins before standing up, tapping her watch with her other hand. “Though it’s almost one. Lunch is over, y’all.”

The corresponding groans echoing from the table, mostly from Monet, are worth it when Vanessa peeks at Brooke’s gobsmacked face.

She loves throwing her for a loop.

Brooke’s going to go insane. She really is. It feels like she’s in an alternate universe, where things are just not quite right, or maybe she’s been blind this whole time to it until now, but-

There’s something up with Vanessa.

It had started simple enough to be a coincidence. Vanessa in a button down shirt and a beanie. Sure, not her usual style, but we all experiment now and then. But then Vanessa’s ringtone had blared and it had been a fucking King Princess song, and she’d talked about an ex when she usually never does. Brooke had been listening, she really had, to see if she had been talking about a guy because, well…Vanessa’s straight, right?

But Brooke hadn’t been able to tell, and she’s still not sure. Because from how vague Vanessa was, she could have easily been talking about a girl or a nonbinary ex, for all that Brooke knows. But would Vanessa date someone who’s not a guy?

Brooke has no idea, and the mystery is killing her. Because Vanessa’s not gay. She can’t be. Can she?

Brooke needs to find out.

It’s a little while before Brooke sees Vanessa again, mostly because she has brainstorming lunch meetings with Detox before her friend begins to work on her dancers’ costumes before their spring showcase. It’s only for a few days, but Brooke feels like she’s going nuts, like she needs to investigate more or she’s going to lose it.

Detox notices, from the way her eyebrows are raised as she sits across from Brooke at her makeshift office in the studio. “Got ants in your pants, or something?”

“Detox.” Brooke rests her elbows on the table, leans forward slightly. “How good is your gaydar?”

“Gaydar isn’t a thing, dumbass. Straight people invented that.” Detox snorts. “If it was real, I’d be way better at hitting on the gay girls instead of the straight ones.”

“You just have a type, and that type is ‘not interested,’ apparently.” Brooke winks at Detox when her eyebrows raise. “Don’t forget, I was there all throughout undergrad when you’d cry in the bathroom after another straight girl turned you down.”

“Undergrad was traumatic. Don’t remind me.” Detox shudders, before holding out her hand. “I won in the end, though.”

Brooke fakes gagging upon seeing Detox’s shiny bling on her ring finger, as if she doesn’t want a girl for herself, too. “Don’t remind me. We know you’re married.”

“You’re just jealous of how cute we are. Now tell me, which girl has gotten your panties in a tizzy?”

“Tizzy-no, she hasn’t gotten them in a tizzy. Gross.” Brooke makes a face. “It’s one of the girls in the salon over there. I thought I had her figured out, but…”

“But now your signals are crossed?” Detox looks delighted, a little too delighted, by Brooke’s plight.

“But now my signals are crossed.” Brooke sighs, leans her cheek on her hand. “What straight girl likes King Princess?”

Detox shrugs. “I dunno. She’s getting kinda mainstream now, isn’t she? I swear I heard her play on the radio once. I think you gotta keep investigating, Sherlock Holmes. Find out more.”

Brooke gets her chance to do just that when Nina texts their group chat to make a plan for drinks after work on a Friday afternoon. She’s never said yes faster because she knows Vanessa is going to come, which means that Brooke will have the chance to dig a little deeper.

The bar that they choose is blaring tunes on their overhead speakers, making it hard for Brooke to hear anything aside from the bass of the latest top forty song, but she leans in nonetheless over the table Because Nina is bringing up plans for Pride this year, and Brooke’s especially interested in the answers of one specific person.

Vanessa’s wearing Doc Martens and the sight had been disconcerting when they’d walked into the bar, because Brooke’s never seen her without heels. The plaid shirt tied around her waist is taunting Brooke, confusing her even more because it’s the type of shirt that Brooke herself would wear. She’d never thought that she’d have anything in common with Vanessa’s style in the past, though evidently, her closet has some exceptions.

“I’m thinking we can hit up Garage and O’Grady’s for sure. Crews is going to be too busy during Pride, it’s packed to the brim on a good day.” Nina has her notes app open as she makes their itinerary, and it almost makes Brooke want to crack up, how organized she is.

“What about The Drink? Shouldn’t be as crowded there, either.”

Brooke’s head pops up from her appetizer of mozzarella sticks to see who’s given the suggestion of one of her favourite venues - it’s not A’keria, who’s on her phone, not Monique or Monet, who’d both disappeared to the bathroom together ages ago. It’s Vanessa, leaning forward expectantly to peek at the list on Nina’s phone, and Brooke feels like she’s about to do a spit take.

How has Vanessa heard of The Drink? Brooke would get it if Vanessa’s heard of the popular gay bars in the village, the one that straight people tend to go to more often than not, but The Drink?

“You’ve been there before?” Brooke can’t help but internally curse at herself when the words slip out of her mouth but she can’t help it, because she’s more confused than ever.

Vanessa’s eyes are sparkling just a little too much, and it’s making Brooke’s head hurt, just a little. “One of my fave spots. Why, wanna go there sometime, B?”

Brooke doesn’t miss the way Silky snickers into her nachos, and she has to run her fingers through her hair, rub her temples a bit to clear her head. “I’ve been there plenty.”

“I’m sure you have, but that wasn’t my question.” Vanessa raises an eyebrow as she takes a sip of her drink.

Brooke pauses, because she can’t understand what Vanessa means with her statement, unless…

“Wait, are you asking me out?”

“You wish.”

And Vanessa’s winking at her, turning towards Silky and A’keria, and Brooke’s going to go grey, really, if everything keeps going on like this.

Vanessa’s having fun. Way too much fun. Enough that she’s going to be laughing about it for weeks, because getting under Brooke’s skin has never been so entertaining.

Brooke is lost. Dazed and confused. Vanessa’s plan is working out perfectly, because Brooke already seems to have been turned on her head, not quite sure what is going on anymore. Vanessa almost wants to take pity on her, reveal her ruse, that no shit she’s also into women. But it’s fun watching Brooke struggle a little bit as she tries to figure it out.

When Monique texts their group chat a day later that it’s been too long and she needs to go out before she absolutely loses her mind, Vanessa jumps to say yes. Because she knows Brooke’s going to come too, and she can pull another fast one on her.

Kameron’s quick to agree when Vanessa texts her about it, saying yes before even hearing the full story, but calling Vanessa nonetheless.

“You want me to-”

“Help me pull a stunt on my pal. Just be at the club around eleven tonight.”

“You’re a crazy bitch, and I love it.” Kameron’s laughing into the phone, and Vanessa knows she has her intrigued. “I’ll be there.”

Vanessa’s back in an off the shoulder top and tight skirt for their night out, because sure, they’re going to a lesbian bar, but a part of her has missed her own style. Besides, she’s not trying to pick up anybody tonight, anyway. She’s just trying to get the attention of one specific person.

A’keria and Silky slam their shot glasses down at the bar, and if this were any other night, Vanessa would join them, even though she’s the lightweight of the group. But she’s keeping her eyes peeled, listening to Nina and Brooke talk about their current Netflix obsession as she waits for Kameron to show up and set her plan in motion.

Kameron sits herself down at the end of the bar, and the way she chugs from her beer bottle, muscles flexing, is already making girls turn towards her, trying to bat their eyes at her.

Vanessa knows that Kameron’s more than whipped for her girlfriend, Asia, that she doesn’t really have eyes for anybody else. Which makes the way she pretends to check Vanessa out hilarious, with a smile cast towards her that must have worked well on Asia back in the day. Vanessa wastes no time in winking back, and by the time the bartender slides a drink to her (‘compliments of the lady at the end of the bar’) Vanessa’s already slid off her barstool, meandering over to where Kameron is sitting.

“So who’s the one you’re trying to get the attention of?” Kameron’s grinning as she sips her beer, and Vanessa can’t help but make a face at her wording.

“I’m not trying to get her attention. That makes it sound like I’m into her.” Vanessa scoffs, before taking a sip of her gin and tonic. “Just trying to teach her a bit of a lesson.”

“Sounds like a lot of effort to put in just to teach someone a lesson.” Kameron lifts her chin slightly, gestures to where Vanessa’s friends are sitting. “Is it the blonde?”

“I can’t turn around and look right now, but - yes, it’s the blonde.” Vanessa wants to fidget on her chair, turn around and see Brooke’s reaction for herself. “Why, what’s she doing?”

“She looks kinda pressed. You’ve definitely gotten her attention, alright.”

“Really?” Vanessa leans in closer to Kameron, trying to see if she can decipher what Brooke is up to from Kameron’s reactions. “How so?”

“Looking like she wants to come over here and give me a talking-to.” Kameron snorts. “Think you’ve made her jealous.”

“Jealous, huh?” Not Vanessa’s initial intention but…she’s not mad about it.

Brooke’s used to getting every girl she wants. Maybe this will be a change for her.

“I’ve missed you and your weird schemes, V.” Kameron clinks the neck of her bottle with Vanessa’s glass. “How’s the salon?”

“Good. We still all miss you, though.” Vanessa pouts, crossing her arms.

Kameron raises her eyebrows. “It’s been three years since I’ve worked there with you guys.”

“And yet no replacement employee has ever been the same.” Vanessa gives her best dramatic sigh, and it has the intention of making Kameron crack up. “How’s Asia doing?”

The telltale smile that rises on Kameron’s face at the mention of Asia is heartwarming, Vanessa can’t deny it. “She’s good. Currently watching Jeopardy reruns and she’d told me not to wake her up when I get home.”

“You guys are the cutest. I want me a girl like that.” Vanessa sighs, almost wistfully. It really has been awhile since she’s had a girlfriend, and she’s never had a relationship as adorably hilarious as Kameron and Asia with their bickering.

“Yesterday we started fighting over the proper way to pronounce ‘caramel,’ and I almost had to sleep on the couch.” Kameron’s deadpan voice makes Vanessa giggle, because the sight is so easy to picture. “But pause that conversation. Your girl’s walking over.”

“She’s not-”

“Hey Vanessa, everything okay?”

Vanessa spins on her stool to face Brooke, and Kameron plays her part by edging ever so slightly closer to her. Not quite with her arm around her, but enough to catch Brooke’s notice.

“Everything’s great.” Vanessa’s voice is chipper than usual, and she doesn’t miss how Kameron holds in a snort. So much for acting.

“Cool. Just checking.” Brooke looks like she’s on edge, like she’s biting her lip to keep herself from saying something.

Vanessa slides off the barstool with her drink in hand, trying to ignore the fact that she loses a couple inches off her height when she does despite the heels. “That being said, we’re pretty much wrapping up. Talk to you later, Kam?”

“See you around, V.” Kameron winks, winks, and Vanessa really does have to applaud her dedication towards acting the part.

Brooke follows behind Vanessa as they walk back towards their friends. Vanessa looks up at her as they weave through the crowds, tugs on her hand so that she doesn’t lose her. She plops back down on her original stool and Brooke sits down beside her, looking a little grumpy for a night out.

“Kam’s nice, isn’t she?” Vanessa watches Brooke’s face closely as she asks the question, sees the way she scowls.

“Sure.” Brooke grunts. “Do you guys know each other?”

“Nope.” Vanessa pops her lips on the final ‘p’. “She bought me a drink, so I went to talk to her. Turned down her offer to dance, though.”

Brooke looks up from her drink, her curiosity getting the better of her. “Because you weren’t interested?”

Vanessa shrugs. “Nah. Because my feet are tired in these heels.”

“Oh.”

“Wouldn’t say she’s my type, though.” Vanessa keeps her voice as light as possible, leans forward in her seat.

“No?” Brooke’s breath looks like it hitches in her throat, and Vanessa can’t help but tuck a lock of hair behind her own ear, drum her fingers on the tabletop.

“Nah. I like blondes, not redheads.”

The noise that Brooke makes as Vanessa walks away to join A’keria and Silky’s conversation is worth it.

The only thing worse than Brooke’s pounding headache from her hangover is the way she can still absolutely remember everything from last night.

She feels stupid, she really does. What made her go up to Vanessa like that? They’re friends, she’s not into her like that. Not when Vanessa doesn’t even like g-

Brooke doesn’t know anymore.

Her brain feels like it’s being pulled into a million directions, and Silky and A’keria had been no help, telling her ‘we’d know if Vanessa was gay, wouldn’t we? She’s our friend’ and ‘I dunno B, better go to the source yourself,’ and now, Brooke has no idea at all what to believe anymore.

Silky and A’keria wouldn’t steer her wrong, would they? But that redhead had clearly been flirting with Vanessa, and Brooke’s not sure why it had bothered her, really, but still. Brooke had only gone over to see if Vanessa was okay, if she was in a situation she didn’t want to be in, but Vanessa had been plenty enjoying herself. Maybe Vanessa had thought the redhead was being friendly.

But it’s too much for her brain to untangle during her late morning class, the blaring of the music over the speakers hardly a distraction from the way Brooke just wants to go back to bed. She can’t even imagine moving like her dancers are doing so on the floor, trying to twirl herself around. She needs more coffee.

The end of the class can’t come soon enough, and by the time the dancers are cooling down, stretching, Brooke’s heading for the Keurig machine in her office to fill up her cup again. The first sip burns her tongue and she yelps as she steps back into the studio, grumbling to herself as the dancers leave one by one.

Running a class on a Saturday at 11 a.m. had been a mistake.

Brooke doesn’t get to focus much on her scheduling shortcomings, though, when the door opens, the jingle of the chain making Brooke’s head snap up.

Of course Vanessa still looks put together the morning after a night out.

Vanessa pauses once she reaches Brooke, taking in her appearance. Brooke knows it’s nothing to write home about - her button down, her leggings, her ‘say hey if you’re gay’ mug that she’s clutching to like a lifeline - but hey, not everyone is capable of putting a full face of makeup on after getting hammered the night before.

Vanessa has a smile on her lips that Brooke doesn’t really understand, one that her brain isn’t working enough to decipher anyway. But then Vanessa sits down beside her, casts an eye to her mug.

“Hey.”

Brooke makes a face. Why is Vanessa being so weird in the morning? “Hi?”

Wait. Hold on.

Brooke can feel her jaw drop just as Vanessa begins to crack up, pointing to her mug. “You take a long time to realize things, y’know that?”

“But…what…how?” Brooke’s looking down at her mug, looking up at Vanessa, and Vanessa’s just said hey which means-

“Bi, not gay. But close enough.” Vanessa has a shit eating grin on her face but Brooke can’t really unpack it now, anyway, because her brain is just…mush.

“Wait…so you’re not straight?” Brooke needs another sip of her coffee, maybe another cup, because she’s not quite sure if she’s still asleep or not, because maybe she’s still dreaming, maybe the entire week of Vanessa acting strange has been a dream-

But Vanessa rolls her eyes. “No, dumbass. And when did I ever tell you that I was?”

“But you had a boyfriend-”

“Bisexuals exist, y’know.” Vanessa’s raising an eyebrow, and Brooke gives her a sheepish smile, because she absolutely has a point. “That’s what happens when you assume things about people.”

“Wait. That explains-”

“The outfits, the King Princess?” Vanessa snickers, and she really does look happy with herself. “Thought I could teach you a little something about not always following stereotypes.”

“Okay, but A’keria and Silky-” Brooke pauses, remembering their words. “They’d say they’d know if you were gay.”

Vanessa shrugs. “They didn’t lie. They’d know if I was, wouldn’t they?”

Brooke frowns when Vanessa cracks up, because it had been a play on words, sure, but absolutely made Brooke believe something else. “That’s fucking sneaky.”

“Sorry, B.” Vanessa’s the one looking a little sheepish now, scooting a little bit closer, and Brooke’s never really noticed how good her perfume smells, really. “Didn’t mean to deceive you. I mean, I did, but y’know.”

“I can’t even be mad, it was clever.” It’s true. Brooke’s lowkey impressed that Vanessa’s pulled it off, that she’s been duped to the high heavens and it makes her wonder if anyone else from their friend group had known. “Was anyone else in on it?”

Vanessa shrugs. “A’keria and Silky helped a bit, no one else from our friend group. Kameron did, though.”

Brooke pauses, remembering the redhead. “So wait…that chick. You knew her?”

“Kameron’s an old friend who is happily taken.” Vanessa winks at Brooke as she says the words and Brooke’s not sure why her heart feels a little bit lighter after the admission, but it does.

“Oh.”

“You look pleased to hear that.” Vanessa’s looking at her with an expression that is knowing, way too knowing, and Brooke scoffs.

“I’m happy for her happiness, that’s all.” It’s a flimsy excuse, one that Vanessa appears to see through right away, from the way that she scoots a little closer, resting a hand on Brooke’s leg. “But y’know, you did pull quite a fast one. You’re lucky my feelings aren’t hurt.”

Vanessa snorts. “What, would you want something in consolation?”

Brooke shrugs, looking at Vanessa properly. She sees the way Vanessa’s eyes are sparkling, the way there’s a smile threatening to light up her face that she’s trying to hold back.

So Brooke may as well try.

“Going on a date with me would help to soothe this wound, for sure.” Brooke gives Vanessa a fake pout, puts her hand on top of Vanessa’s. “Y’know, to make sure I’m okay and all that.”

“Just to make sure you’re okay, huh? No other reason?”

“Oh, I can think of plenty of reasons.” Brooke can’t help the cheekiness that pushes through, the charm (or lack thereof) that never seems to fail with the ladies. And it seems to work with Vanessa, who’s rolling her eyes but nodding her assent.

“Well. Fair’s only fair, I suppose I can out of the goodness of my heart.”

“The goodness of your heart, hm? As if you haven’t been flirting with me for the last week.”

Vanessa gasps. “I have not!”

Brooke grins, because now that she thinks back to it, it’s all beginning to make sense. “You totally were. You’ve been trying to get my attention this whole time.”

“As if.” Vanessa crosses her arms, and the pout on her lips somehow makes Brooke want to kiss her.

“So you don’t want to go on that date, then?” Brooke’s barely gotten the words out before Vanessa’s sputtering again.

“I didn’t say that.”

“Thought so.” Brooke grabs Vanessa’s hand, tugs her closer until she can see the gloss on Vanessa’s lips, the highlighter sparkling along her cheekbones.

“Shut up.” Vanessa’s lips are upturned as she says it, as her eyes drag down to Brooke’s lips. “I’ll pick you up at eight.”

With that, Vanessa stands up, turns on her heels to leave the studio. Brooke can’t help but watch the view as she leaves, shaking her head.

She has no idea what she’s getting herself into with Vanessa, but she’d be lying by saying that she isn’t completely ready for it.

#rpdr fanfiction #branjie #brooke lynn hytes #vanessa vanjie mateo #lesbian au #holtzmanns

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