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littlelovelyspiderling · 1 year

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Meeting The Real You (Chapter 8)

Chapter 1 -- Chapter 2 -- Chapter 3 -- Chapter 4 -- Chapter 5 -- Chapter 6 -- Chapter 7 -- Chapter 8

word count: 24,958 (lordy 😳)

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Johnny burst through the balcony doors and barreled into Avengers Tower, panic clawing through his veins. Spider-Man dangled limply in his arms, beaten and bloody, barely clinging to consciousness.

“Help!” he cried at the top of his lungs. “W-we need help! Somebody—!”

“66th floor,” FRIDAY directed him from the ceiling. “The Avengers medical bay. Mr. Stark is already there waiting.”

“Right,” Johnny rasped. He rocketed into the ornate circle stairwell, nosediving past thirty-two stories, clutching the wounded hero like a treasured childhood toy. Once they’d reached the correct floor, he fumbled the door knob with shivering, blood-soaked fingers.

“Say something, Spidey,” Johnny pleaded, yanking it open and staggering inside. “Please. Let me know you’re alive.”

“S-still here,” the masked hero croaked. “M’alive.”

“Barely, by the looks of it.”

Johnny’s gaze jerked up to find Tony Stark standing in the center of the room: arms crossed, eyebrows scrunched, face twisted into a hard scowl. He wore a silken blue pajama set with bunny slippers and fuzzy pink socks. This would’ve made Johnny laugh, were the glare paired with them not so menacing. A hospital bed was assembled to his left alongside a tray of pointy medical tools.

Spider-Man’s droopy eye lenses widened. He lifted his head off Johnny’s chest weakly.

“Mr. Stark! This isn’t—”

“One rule,” Stark snapped. “You had one rule to follow while your aunt was away. No life-threatening injuries under my care. You promised me you could manage that. You insisted I had nothing to worry about. So imagine my surprise upon waking up to the vitals alarm from your suit blaring in my ear like an airhorn, warning me that you’d lost 24% of your body’s blood volume in the past eight minutes.”

Johnny licked his lips, glancing down at the young vigilante, who was floundering for words. It was somewhat refreshing to hear an adult speak to Spider-Man like the kid he was instead of the diabolical menace the public believed him to be. It was also a relief to have someone else acknowledge how serious Spidey’s wounds were, since the masked hero seemed incapable of accepting that fact.

Spider-Man faced away from Stark, wilting a little in Johnny’s arms. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. His fingers tightened around his wound. “We just—these thugs k-kidnapped a girl and this kid; we had to save them, but the bad guys had a lot more firepower than we expected, so we tried to—”

“Nope,” Tony interjected, holding up his finger. “I don’t want to hear it. Storm—on the bed. Now.”

“Okay,” Johnny answered stupidly. He rushed Spidey across the room and laid him on the sterile white sheets, guiding his head to the pillow as he slipped his hand out from under his knees. The masked hero whimpered from the movement, the spotless linens beneath him spattering red almost instantly. Stark peeled back the bloody fingers clamped fiercely to his side.

“Let me see,” he said. A beam shone from his glasses and scanned Spider-Man's body in a grid of blue light. One hand gently prodded the bullet wound while the other held onto Spidey’s, gripping it like a lifeline. Rows of data bubbled across the high-tech lenses he wore, making the lines in the Avenger’s face deepen.

“What happened to him?” Tony asked without looking up. It took Johnny a second to realize he was the one he was speaking to.

“Oh, uh—a bullet,” he said. He cleared his throat and tried again. “I mean—he was shot. A thug shot him.” His brain felt like it was marinating in molasses while his heart raced at a hundred miles an hour.

“He’s been burned,” Stark noted aloud. His eyes snapped to Johnny’s this time, dripping with daggers and question marks.

Johnny’s mouth went dry. “It wasn’t—I didn’t—it w-was an accident—”

“Get out,” Tony fumed, jerking his thumb towards the door. “I’ll deal with you later.”

Shock and guilt encased Johnny’s heart. He followed Iron Man around the foot of the hospital bed, hands trembling. “Wait! Mr. Stark! Please! I—I can help! I want to help!”

“Out!” he roared, whirling on him. “My blood pressure can only handle one irresponsible super teen at a time!” He shoved past Johnny, bunching up a cloth in his hands and pressing it hard into the vigilante’s wound. A pained yelp punched from Spidey’s chest. Johnny stood stone-stiff, vision blurred with tears, numb despair spreading through his limbs like ice.

“P-please let him stay,” Spider-Man grated out, eye lenses squeezed shut. “I want him here. It wasn’t his fault.”

Johnny turned towards him slowly. Warm droplets slipped down his cheeks and onto his neck. Stark’s bitter gaze stayed locked on Spidey’s wound a little while longer before hesitantly flickering back to Johnny. A moment passed, and his eyebrows gradually unfurled. With a sigh, the older superhero shook his head. The rage in his voice withered.

“Fine. But if you’re going to stay, you’re going to make yourself useful.”

Johnny joined him at Spider-Man’s bedside, nodding frantically, mopping away his tears. “Of course. Anything. Just tell me what to do.”

Reluctantly, Stark lifted the cloth away from Spidey’s abdomen. The wound was still bleeding, but only a fraction of the amount it had been before. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and released a weary huff.

“All right. Listen carefully, Mr. Storm. You’re going to focus on treating his other injuries while I take care of the gunshot wound. I’m going to run out real quick to grab an I.V. and suture kit from storage. While I’m gone, I need you to remove Spidey’s suit and gently clean his minor injuries. Don’t touch the bullet wound; just lightly sponge his cuts and burns to remove any excess debris. Understand?”

Johnny stared at him blankly, his frenzied mind struggling to process the request, a flush of heat prickling along the back of his neck. “You…I have to…take off his clothes?” he heard himself squeak.

“You can leave his mask and boxers on. Everything else has to go. We need access to all of his injuries in order to properly treat them.” Tony plucked a needle filled with clear liquid off the tray by Spidey’s side, gave the barrel a couple of flicks, then slid the point into the masked hero’s upper arm. A small whine escaped him, and Johnny had to look away. He’d always hated needles.

“This will dampen his pain and fight off potential infection,” Stark explained. “He may get a little drowsy and out of it as a result, but he cannot fall asleep right now. You have to make sure he stays awake until I've returned. It should start working almost instantly, so no dawdling.” He pointed to the bedside table as he jogged towards the elevator. “The sponge and wound wash are there on that tray. I want him prepped and cleaned by the time I’m back, all right? And have him keep putting pressure on his side.”

Johnny’s eyes dashed between Tony Stark and Spider-Man, frazzled and wide. “B-but—wait—Mr. Stark, I can’t—”

”No time to be squeamish, kid,” the Avenger called from inside the elevator, jabbing at the buttons on the wall. “Right now, Spidey’s safety is more important than his dignity. Don’t make me regret letting you stay! Strip and scrub, pronto!”

Then the doors slid together, Stark disappearing behind them, and the Human Torch was suddenly alone with the masked hero, jaw hanging open, face tinting pink, wondering how the hell he was going to complete the daunting task laid before him without spontaneously combusting.

“Oh, I’m in trouble,” he whispered.

“Johnny?”

At the sound of his frail call, the Human Torch spun back towards Spider-Man, swallowed, then hurried to his side.

“Yeah?” he stuttered out. “What’s up?”

“Where’d M-Mr. Stark go?”

Johnny blanched. “You didn’t hear him? He said he’s going to grab more medical supplies.”

The masked hero exhaled softly. “Oh. Okay.”

Johnny chewed his lip, eyes tracing anxious paths across the vigilante’s tattered costume.

“Are you all right?” Spider-Man asked groggily. “You look…stressed.”

Nervous laughter spilled from his lips. “Oh no, I’m fine. Not stressed at all. Why would I be stressed? Everything’s fine. It’s just—” A stone lodged in the flaming hero’s throat. “Did you hear what Tony asked me?”

The wounded teen shook his head slowly. Johnny breathed in deep, then rested a hand on Spider-Man’s chest.

“It’s gonna be okay. Everything’s going to be okay. We’re gonna help you, okay?”

“Okay,” Spidey murmured warily.

Johnny pinched the red fabric of his costume between his fingers. “B-but, um…I have to take this off of you to do that. You understand?”

Spider-Man tilted his head a little. “Take what off?” he asked.

“Your suit. Tony asked me to take off your suit. So we can treat your wounds properly. I have to take it off of you.”

The vigilante blinked sluggishly, his words still not registering. “My suit?” he mumbled. “W-what about my suit?”

Johnny groaned. This was taking too long. He couldn’t stall anymore. He had to get it over with. He gripped Spider-Man’s shoulder with one hand and pulled on the neck of his costume with the other.

“Spidey, I gotta—I’m sorry, but I’m gonna take this off now, okay?” He tugged at the fabric, but it was skin-tight, unmoving. There had to be a hidden zipper or clasp somewhere. The idea of scouring every inch of the webhead’s body in search of a way inside was enough to make him manic. Fortunately, it didn’t come to that.

“Press the spider symbol on his chest,” FRIDAY suggested.

Johnny gulped. “Oh. Okay. Thanks.” He followed her instructions, clicking the emblem in the center of his costumes. The masked hero’s suit puffed outwards suddenly, unraveling from his narrow build like a snake skin. The fabric hung loosely off his frame like it had grown four sizes too big in seconds.

Spider-Man looked down at himself in sleepy surprise. “Hey,” he pouted, raising his arm, the sleeve limp and floppy. “W-what gives?”

“I’m sorry,” Johnny repeated. He lifted Spidey’s back off the bed, leaning his weight into his chest, and started peeling the suit from his shoulders—first his left, then his right. Gradually, the vigilante’s eyes bugged wide—first from the pain, then in realization.

“Johnny?” he exclaimed. The Human Torch slipped the costume all the way off his fingers, revealing knuckles and nails and blistered palms. “W-wait. What are you doing?”

“I have to strip you down to get to your wounds,” he said again, embracing the chaos and humor of the situation. A bashful laugh escaped him. “Sorry I can’t buy you dinner first.”

Spider-Man’s neck went red. “You don’t...I can d-do it myself.”

“It’s all right. I gotcha. What are super awesome superhero besties for?” He smiled hesitantly at him, trying his best to be reassuring. These were very vulnerable and awkward circumstances for the webhead to be in. However embarrassing this was for Johnny, he knew Spider-Man had to be experiencing it ten times over. He didn’t want him to be ashamed. He wanted to make him feel safe and protected. He wanted him to know he could trust Johnny at his most exposed and defenseless.

“Well,” Spidey said a little while later, “at least you…m-made me breakfast.”

Johnny giggled, glad they were able to make light of the situation. He laid him back on the bed and moved his hands down to his torso.

“This next part might hurt,” he warned him. “Try to stay still, okay?” He grabbed hold of his blood-soaked suit, carefully peeling it away from the bullet wound. An ailing moan rose from his throat. Spider-Man tensed his muscles, pinching his eyes closed, digging his fingers into the mattress. It took a couple quick pulls to tear the fabric completely free. Johnny winced as hard as Spidey with every tug.

“Shit,” the masked hero gasped, sounding lightheaded.

“Sorry,” Johnny said earnestly. “Hard part’s over. Let’s shimmy the rest of this thing off, yeah?”

He raised his lower half off the bed and wiggled the remainder of his costume down his thighs, calves, and finally, his feet. He tried to think of it like the cars he used to work on with his dad. You had to open up the hood to fix any problems with the engine. That’s all his suit was—a layer Johnny had to peel back in order to do his job. And the body underneath was just a mechanism that needed fine tuning. Nothing more. If Johnny framed it like that, staying calm and collected didn’t sound so hard. Maybe he could get through this without flustering himself out of his mind after all.

Once the bloody suit was fully off him, Johnny tossed it aside, then turned to face his patient. In an instant, all the heat in his body rushed into his face. Spider-Man was draped languidly across the bed, breathing hard, right hand gripping his opposite side, wearing nothing but his mask and a pair of gray boxers. He was bruised and burned and scraped and bloodied. His skin was pallid from blood loss and glistening in sweat. He was carved like a demigod in ancient Greek marble—lean but muscular, with abdominal muscles Johnny couldn’t tear his eyes away from. He was a goddamn work of art. A vision from which he’d likely never recover. Insufferable and perfect. Blush broke across his flesh like hives.

“Jesus Christ,” Johnny coughed.

“It’s n-not as bad as it looks,” Spider-Man insisted, glancing at his palm. “Bleeding’s almost stopped.”

The Human Torch shook his head. “No, it’s just—my god, webhead. You’re hot.”

The masked hero looked up at him, shoulders tensing, his porcelain skin flushing scarlet.

“Huh!?”

Johnny wasn’t sure what possessed him to voice his monkey brain thoughts aloud, but he couldn’t back down now. He grinned, the flirt in him taking over, burning away all unwelcome coyness.

“You heard me. You’re hot. Like, really hot. You’ve been holding out on us, Webs. If New York knew what a shredded little heartthrob Spider-Man was, they’d be drooling all over you instead of hating your guts.”

The masked hero shot a glance at his abs, then shrunk his arms to his midsection defensively. If his face was anywhere close as red to his chest, the poor teen had to be blushing up a storm.

“You’re n-not funny,” he said in a mousy voice, avoiding Johnny’s gaze like it would turn him to stone.

“I’m not being funny,” Johnny continued mercilessly. “You’re the one who called yourself ‘the hottest Avenger.’ Now that you’ve proven it to be true, suddenly you’re gonna act all shy and try to deny it?” He wolf-whistled in awe, hands on his hips. “Hot damn, Spider-Man. Looks like I’ve got some competition in the teenage superhero modeling world. I should introduce you to my photographer. One shoot with her with a bod like that, and you’ll have all of New York eating out of the palm of your hand.”

“Johnny!” Spidey giggled sheepishly, burying his face in his hands. “This is already h-humiliating enough as is!”

“What’s humiliating about being New York’s friendly neighborhood eye candy?”

The young vigilante hid from him, shoulders hunched, skin rosy, groaning into his palms. Johnny grinned in triumph. At least the teasing was making him laugh, keeping him conscious.

“Sorry,” he snickered. “I’ll stop now.” He grabbed the sponge off the tray and dipped it in the tub of warm water, approaching him gingerly. “Only because I have to do this next.”

Johnny gave the sponge a squeeze, then held it to the bend of Spider-Man’s shoulder, just below his collarbone. Jagged cuts and scrapes overlapped with charred flesh—a bitter reminder of the Human Torch’s past mistakes. Beneath his skin, hard muscle rolled and stretched like waves, making Johnny hesitate, heartbeat thumping in his ears. He wrestled his feelings into submission. A tune up. An auto repair. That’s all this is. He reached out and began brushing the vigilante’s wounds with care, gently wiping away dirt and dried blood, making him peer through his fingers in surprise. His hand shot out suddenly and seized his wrist. Johnny flinched.

“I can…I can d-do this part,” he said, exhausted and desperate. “Please let me do this part.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Johnny said softly. “We’ll all be getting sponge baths when we’re crotchety old grandpas—well, if we make it that long. Look at it like a glimpse into your future.”

“F-future can wait,” he grated out, his grip unyielding. “Let me do it.”

Stung, but understanding, Johnny handed him the sponge. Spidey held it in his left hand while his right clasped the bullet wound. He ran the sponge over his chest without looking, movements torpid and ineffective, missing a lot of what needed to be cleaned. He brushed lazily at his arm, then paused, staring down at his feet. In his current position, he couldn’t reach the injuries on his legs or his back. With a determined huff, Spider-Man braced his palm against the bed, head hanging low, sputtering with effort. Johnny realized he was trying to sit up. He reached out to help him, but the masked hero fell back against the mattress before he could, gasping in pain, sweat speckling his skin, hand clutching his wound like a claw.

“Hey! Easy, webhead!” Johnny placed a palm on his chest to keep him from getting up again. Spider-Man panted raggedly, eyes slipping shut, head lolling against the pillow in defeat.

“I c-can’t do it,” he whimpered.

“Don’t worry about it,” Johnny assured him, despite knowing that from the start. He gently plucked the sponge from Spidey’s fingers. They looked so soft and pink and human. “You rest, and I’ll take care of this. Okay?”

The spider-themed hero gave a miserable whine in reply. Johnny re-wet the sponge, warming it a little in his fist, then went back to dabbing lightly at his skin. He blotted the wounds on his chest, arms, and shoulders, being as gentle as he could while making sure to brush them squeaky clean.

“I’m a useless blob,” Spidey bemoaned.

Johnny snickered. “A hot useless blob.”

Spider-Man blushed, fingers cinching around his side. “Stop,” he said, timid laughter reclaiming his voice. “This is like a horrible n-nightmare come to life.”

“How is this a nightmare? I’m pampering you. It’s like you’re a prince in a fancy day spa. Want me to put on some soothing zen music, my liege?”

“Being stripped and sponge-bathed against my will…is n-not my idea of pampering.”

Johnny carefully cleaned the deep cut spanning the length of his forearm. “Based on the insane amount of pornographic self-insert fanfiction I’ve read about myself, I think the entire world would disagree with you. Do you have any idea how many of my horny little fans out there dream of me doing something like this to them? You should count yourself lucky, Webs. You’re living out their wildest fantasies right now.”

Spider-Man laughed in spite of himself, clamping his palm over his eyes.

“This is not helping!”

“Just saying,” the Human Torch added with a shrug. “Your nightmare is everyone else’s pervy wet dream.”

“You’re twisted, you know that?”

“Hey, blame the fans, not me. They’re the raging horndogs with too much time and imagination on their hands.”

As he worked, Johnny talked at length about the hundreds of smutty stories he’d read about himself, delving into enough graphic details to kill a Victorian child. He talked to fill the air between them and distract them both from the glaring intimacy of what he was having to do. Johnny held the masked hero against his chest to wipe down his back, then returned him to the mattress like a precious baby deer. Despite his demonstrable embarrassment, Spider-Man cooperated throughout the entire mortifying process, doing his best to stay still.

That is, until Johnny brushed his ribs.

He planned to start with the right side of his rib cage first, steering clear of the gunshot wound, sponging the grime from his less lethal injuries. But the moment he touched him below his pectorals, he felt his body flinch beneath his fingers. Johnny grimaced, his playful tone faltering.

“Sorry. I’ll be more gentle.” He tried again, softer this time, but Spidey winced even harder, a sharp noise escaping him. He pinned his elbow to his side, blocking Johnny’s path. The Human Torch blinked in surprise.

“It’s fine,” Spider-Man insisted, voice shrill. “I’m n-not wounded there.”

Johnny snorted. “The way you’re covering yourself and jumping away from me says otherwise.”

He nudged at his arm with the sponge, but the masked hero wouldn’t budge. Johnny sighed.

“Come on, webhead. We’re halfway there. Just bear with me a little while longer.”

When he still didn’t move, Johnny narrowed his eyes, but decided it wasn’t worth the headache. He’d clean the rest of him for now and try his ribs again at the end. He swiped the sponge across his obnoxiously chiseled abdominals, which only had a small scratch underneath his belly button. Nothing too big or exceptionally painful.

And yet, the second the sponge made contact, the masked vigilante yelped and flinched. Johnny retreated in alarm.

“What is going on?” he exclaimed. “You were completely fine while I was cleaning your other wounds! Why is it hurting so much all of a sudden?”

Blush crawled up the young hero’s neck. “It’s not—it isn’t—” he stammered. He pinched his eyes closed with a groan. “It’s n-nothing, okay? You don’t have to scrub there! It’s fine!”

Johnny studied him dubiously, wrinkling his brow. He observed the way his arm was tucked protectively against his rib cage. If he wasn’t in pain, why was his touch making him leap and squeak? A memory resurfaced from the delicate archives of his mind: a moment between Spider-Man and Tony Stark from the power demos this morning. An exchange he’d deemed important. When Stark tasered his side then, the masked hero had made the same startled sound and assumed the same defensive position he did now.

A curious smile broke across Johnny’s face. Wordlessly, he scrubbed the sponge against Spider-Man’s tummy, intentionally aiming for an uninjured section and brushing a tad harder than before. A strangled sound sprung from the masked hero’s throat. He reached for the sponge exactly as Johnny had planned—leaving his rib cage open to attack. The Human Torch evaded his grip and shoved the sponge against the upper half of his ribs, scrubbing aggressively. The reaction he was hoping for happened instantaneously.

“EEP—!” Spidey squealed. He twisted and flailed, clamping his arm back to his side, struggling to protect himself and grapple with Johnny’s wrist at the same time. Bubbly giggles flooded out of him. “J-Jahanny! Ahagh! Wahait!”

“Ah-ha!” Johnny cheered. “Sensitive ribs! I knew it!” He wiggled the sponge as much as he could with his hand trapped beneath his elbow, beaming at the sound of the masked hero’s bright, adorable laughter. “I wasn’t hurting you! You’re just ticklish and too embarrassed to admit it!”

“Ahahow! Johnny!” Spider-Man grasped his injured side with both hands, arching his body away from his touch. “You’re h-hurting me nahow!”

Immediately, Johnny retracted his hand. “Oh god! Sorry!” Spider-Man sank into the bed, the strained giggles flitting from his chest gradually slowing down. “Bullet wound. Right. Laughing with a hole in your side probably isn’t fun, huh?”

He shook his head, trying to calm his breathing, airy laughter petering off. Johnny didn’t think he’d ever been more infatuated with a person than he was at that moment.

“My bad,” he chuckled. “In my defense, this is the best discovery I’ve made about you to date.” He bopped him on the nose and smirked. “Now I know Spider-Man’s weakness.”

The masked vigilante hunched his shoulders and stared off to the side. “Sh-shut up,” he giggled nervously, trying to brush him off. “Clearly my weakness is machine guns. And flash bombs. And magic tricks with…m-more than one step.”

“But mostly ticklish ribs,” Johnny retorted. He wiggled his fingers at him with an evil smile. “You’re lucky you’re injured right now, Spidey. I’d love to see how hard I could get you laughing when I don’t have to hold back. I can’t wait to use this against you after you’re all healed up. We’re gonna have a lot of fun later.”

To his unending delight, Spider-Man shrunk away from his spidering fingers with anxious, stifled giggles, holding one palm over his mouth while the other swatted feebly at Johnny’s hands. The Human Torch laughed right along with him.

“Holy shit. Are you kidding me? I’m not even touching you!” He swirled one finger above his torso threateningly. “Oh, you’re screwed, Itsy-Bitsy. You better watch your back. I’m gonna get you when you least expect it and make you regret being born so goddamn cute.”

“Johnny!” Spider-Man squeaked, laughter laced with pain. He grabbed Johnny’s hand and held it away from his midsection. “Please—! My sihide…!”

Johnny chuckled, brimming with endearment, wrapping Spidey’s hand in his own and giving it a pat. “Sorry. You’re wounded. I shouldn’t be teasing you.” He picked up the sponge and started carefully blotting his injuries again, moving down to his legs. “I’ll be nice,” he promised, shooting him a smug grin. “For now, anyway.”

Another way to make the webhead squirm added to his arsenal—this one in much more literal terms than the others. As an extra bonus, it also gleaned that sunny, irresistible laugh from Spider-Man’s lips. Johnny couldn’t be more pleased. This would serve him and his master plan well.

He could tell the unexpected tickle attack had severely flustered the poor webhead. He was skittish and jumpy, but trying his best not to show it. It was too adorable for words. Johnny forced himself to sponge his skin in the least tickly way possible, snickering at Spidey’s reflexive twitchiness. He’d have the chance to test the limits of this discovery real soon; but for now, Johnny wanted him to relax. Gradually, the masked hero’s obnoxiously pretty muscles uncoiled.

As Johnny squeegeed the last of his wounds, which only amounted to a couple road burns on his knees and shins, the young vigilante started to mumble something about the weather, clearly eager for a change in subject. But he was cut off by a chime from the elevator. The two teens glanced up as a very agitated Tony Stark came charging into the room, arms overflowing with bandages and burn cream packets and I.V. bags. Pill bottles full of pain meds toppled from the stack he held and bounced across the tile. He hurried to Spider-Man’s side, cursing like a sailor.

“Sorry. This place is a disaster right now. We just started transitioning our headquarters to the upstate facility. Half our medical supplies is already there, and what’s left on site is scattered around the tower like hidden clues for a goddamn scavenger hunt.”

Stark dumped the materials on the nearest table and gestured to Spider-Man with his chin. “All cleaned up?”

Johnny nodded, tossing the sponge back into the bucket. “Like a freshly polished Porsche. Right, webhead?” He side-eyed the injured hero playfully. “He didn’t make it easy, though.”

Tony assembled his tools on the mobile tray and rolled it around Spider-Man's bed, huffing amusedly. “Oh, yeah. He’s a squirmy one. I’ve never met another hero who could grit through bullet wounds and sutures no problem, but practically jumps onto the ceiling if something brushes his side.”

“Hey!” the masked vigilante protested. If he were a cat, Johnny imagined he’d be puffed into a flustered little fluff ball right now. “Can the mocking please wait until after I’m able to…k-kick both your asses again?”

Johnny and Stark laughed in unison, making Spider-Man grumble under his breath. The Human Torch grinned at the Avenger, thrilled by the idea that Iron Man enjoyed poking fun at Spidey as much as he did.

“I suppose that’s only fair,” Tony chuckled, flicking the teen’s temple. “But for the record, you’ve never been able to kick my ass.”

With careful movements, Stark lifted Spidey’s hand off his side and started mopping the blood from his bullet wound, causing the young hero to stiffen. While he worked on cleaning, sterilizing, and sewing up the worst of his injuries, Johnny was tasked with treating his burns and scrapes. He dabbed him with ointment and antibiotic cream, swabbed his scratches with alcohol, and fashioned the deeper gashes on his arms and back with bandages and butterfly tape. Spider-Man stayed surprisingly still and made very little noise the whole time—minus the occasional whimper.

“You’re lucky your body heals so fast,” Tony said, knotting off the last of his sutures. “A wound like this would put any regular person out of commission for the next few weeks.”

“How long do you think before I’m good as new?” Spider-Man asked, sleep weighing on his voice once again.

“No web-swinging for a minimum of three days. No crime-fighting for five. You’ll check in with me every morning until I deem you fully recovered. Got it?”

Stark helped the young hero sit upright, resting Spidey's upper body against his shoulder. All of his anger from before was gone, replaced instead by gentle attentiveness and paternal instinct. He bandaged both sides of his injury and wound his torso with gauze.

“Does that mean we can…keep this between us?” Spidey offered hesitantly. “Save May the emotional burden?”

The Avenger frowned, one eyebrow crawling towards his hairline. “I promised your aunt I’d tell her everything you’re up to—the good and the bad.”

“Well. I bent the rules a bit with the promise I made you,” he reminded him. “Maybe you should…follow my example? Stop being a total stick in the mud and try being cool and r-rebellious for a change?”

Stark scoffed. “You little shit. Jonah’s been right about you all along: you’re nothing but a conniving, irredeemable menace.” He hooked an arm around his neck and gave the teen hero a light noogie, making him giggle and squirm.

“Come on!” Spidey prodded him, wrestling free of his hold. “This will keep us both from looking bad.”

A defeated sigh slid from Tony’s lips. It seemed Johnny Storm wasn’t the only one wrapped around the webhead’s sticky little finger. “Fine,” the older superhero huffed. “If you don’t tell, I won’t tell. I don’t think either of us want to face the wrath of your aunt anytime soon.” Stark stuck a finger in Spider-Man’s chest before he could celebrate. “But if she finds out, you’re taking the fall. I knew nothing about this. You hid it from me. We clear?”

Spidey made an “O.K.” sign with his hand. “Crystal!”

Johnny chuckled, crossing his arms. “Remind me to never get on your aunt’s bad side. She sounds like quite the force to be reckoned with.”

Tony shuddered. “You have no idea.”

With a yawn, Spider-Man swung his legs off the hospital bed, his body a collage of stitches, band-aids, and butterfly tape. “Can I go to bed now?” he asked drowsily. “I’m spent.”

Stark stopped him from trying to stand with a hand on his shoulder. “Not on your own you’re not. And not without an I.V. drip. You lost a lot of blood today, kiddo. We gotta replenish your fluids.”

“But I’m feeling a lot better now,” he insisted, rubbing the side of his face. “Just tired.”

“You were shot through the stomach hardly two hours ago!” Johnny snapped, marching to stand in front of him. He pulled at the stained fabric of his costume. “The blood you got all over my suit isn’t even dry yet! You’re not walking anywhere by yourself!”

The masked hero stared at him, blinking bemusedly. Stark hinted a smile, then turned back to Spider-Man.

“Yeah. What he said.”

Spidey held out his hands in surrender. “All right! Geez! I’m not moving, see? Relax.”

“I’ll carry you,” Johnny and Tony said at the same time. The two heroes turned to each other sharply. An awkward couple of seconds passed before Johnny barked out a laugh and backed away, scratching his neck.

“Sorry, I just—you go ahead. I’ll, um—head to my room now. Pretty exhausted myself.” He held his fist out to Spider-Man, smiling softly. “Glad you’re feeling better, Webs. Get some rest, okay?”

The masked hero tapped his knuckles against his. “You too, Flame Brain. Thanks for the team-up. Sorry it kinda sucked.” He pinched the sleeve of Johnny’s blood-spattered costume. “Better clean this before your sister sees.”

Johnny winced. “Right. Good idea.”

Stark patted Johnny’s shoulder, making him look up in surprise. “You mind helping me set up his I.V. before you go?”

Johnny cringed at the thought of seeing more needles, but he’d promised to help however he could. Reluctantly, the Human Torch nodded.

“Sure.”

Stark walked towards the back of the room and motioned for him to follow. “Over here.”

Johnny joined him by the sinks as he strung a bag filled with liquid to a metal pole. They were far enough from Spider-Man that he likely couldn’t hear them speak—even with his super senses.

“What do you want me to do?” Johnny asked.

Tony wrapped the tube attached to the drip around the metal base. “I want,” he began, bending low to secure the chamber then popping back upright, “to thank you.”

Johnny narrowed his eyes. “Thank me?”

“For getting him here in mostly one piece,” Stark clarified. “He very well could’ve died if you hadn’t been there to fly him home.”

Johnny considered this, smiling hesitantly. Then he thought on it more, and lowered his gaze. “He would’ve been better off without me. I’m the one who burnt him in the first place.”

“I saw,” the Avenger stated. “In the baby monitor footage.”

Johnny frowned. “The what?”

“Nothing. The video from Spidey’s eye lenses. Inside joke. Don’t worry about it.” He tossed the untethered tubing over his shoulder. “Point is, I saw what happened. You made a mistake, but it wasn’t your fault. I know that now. I’m sorry I blamed you earlier.”

The Human Torch gripped his elbow and shrugged. “It’s okay.”

“I also saw you protect him from those police officers,” Stark added. Johnny lifted his wide eyes to meet his. “It’s nice to know he has someone else out there, standing up for him.”

A tangle of relief and bashfulness blanketed Johnny’s heart. He shot a glance at the wounded hero, who was starting to drift off in the hospital bed.

“It’s hard not to stand up for him once you get to know him,” he admitted. “And when you realize just how many people really don’t know him at all.”

Stark nodded thoughtfully, then crossed his arms against his chest. “So, then. You’re sure you’re up for this?”

Johnny tilted his head to the side. “Up for what?”

“Being a member of the Spider-Man Defense Squad.”

A dubious smile found his lips. “Is that a thing?” Johnny asked.

“Unofficially, but yes.” Tony rested a hand on his shoulder, his tone playfully melodramatic. “I have to warn you. It won’t be a walk in the park. Lots of people will hate you for it, and Spidey doesn’t make it easy—as I’m sure you’ve already experienced. He’s stubborn. Idealistic. Too compassionate and selfless for his own damn good. He sees everyone else’s pain and needs a thousand miles ahead of his own. He’ll drive himself into the ground before acknowledging his limits, or admitting he needs help. He’s an absolute pain in the ass to deal with, but a worthwhile one, in my opinion.”

Johnny giggled softly. “Sounds like I’ve got my work cut out for me.”

“I won’t hold it against you if you decline,” Tony added. “You know Spidey will put his life on the line to protect yours no matter what. But I figured I’d extend the offer and try to prepare you for what you’re getting into should you choose this daunting but noble path.”

The Human Torch held out his hand without hesitation. “It would be my honor,” he said.

Grinning, Stark gave his palm a firm shake. “All right, then. Welcome to the club.” When the billionaire released his hand, he gave the teenage superhero a speculative once-over. “I have to admit: when we first met, I wasn’t the biggest fan of yours. Reminded me a little too much of myself at sixteen: reckless, hotheaded, a tad self-obsessed. But I guess Spider-Man was right—maybe you’re not so bad after all.”

Johnny brightened. “Spidey talked to you about me?” he asked a touch too eagerly. He faltered, wanting to take it back, but the words were already out of his mouth.

“Only briefly,” Tony clarified. “But that’s all I needed. Anyone who the kid deems trustworthy is a good egg in my book.”

Sunshine lit him from the inside-out. “I’ll try not to let either of you down.”

Stark pushed his high-tech sunglasses up the bridge of his nose and clapped Johnny Storm on the back. “Get some rest, kid. You earned it.”

The seasoned Avenger trekked across the room with the I.V. in tow and slipped the needle into the back of Spider-Man’s hand. He grabbed a blanket from a basket in the corner then wrapped the sleepy superhero in it like a little spidery burrito as he lifted him into his arms. With one hand, he rolled the I.V. pole across the white tile; with the other, Stark held the wounded teenager close. He gave Johnny a smile and a nod on his way out before vanishing behind the elevator doors once again.

Alone in the empty medical bay, Johnny took a second to breathe. His mind was alive and buzzing, but his body was absolutely exhausted. He hadn’t realized how tired he was until now, when it was just him and his thoughts. The past twenty minutes had been an absolute rollercoaster of emotions. He could crawl into bed right now and be out in seconds.

Unfortunately, Johnny Storm had homework. He wouldn’t be able to rest until he'd hashed out phase one of his plan. Getting The World To Fall In Love With Spider-Man: A New Passion Project by the Human Torch. He had to approach this delicately, with patience and intention. Rebranding a disgraced superhero was not something he had any expertise in, yet he was confident he was up to the challenge. In every sense and from every angle, there was no one more deserving of people’s adoration.

Besides—it was high time Spider-Man entered his Reputation Era.

But first and foremost, he had to clean his suit. As Johnny strode into the stairwell, rolling his achy shoulder, he pulled out his phone, googling “how to get blood stains out of spandex fast” while trotting up to his room.

It was nearly noon by the time Peter’s eyes sluggishly blinked open. He was in his bedroom at Avengers Tower, sprawled carelessly across his king-sized mattress. The I.V. had been removed from his hand sometime in the night—or perhaps in the morning; he wasn’t sure. But the meds from the drip still clung to his brain, making his head fuzzy. When he shifted onto his side, dull, deep pain bloomed from his abdomen. He groaned into his pillow, tucking his limbs in close to his body.

“Hello, Peter,” FRIDAY greeted him from the ceiling. “My scans indicate you slept relatively well last night. How are you feeling this morning?”

Peter mumbled some half-conscious nonsense in reply, pulling the comforter over his head. He had no plans of getting up anytime soon. Dainty beams of sunlight streamed in from the gaps in his blinds.

“Johnny Storm left a gift at the door for you, by the way.”

Spider-Man’s eyes popped open instantly. He sat upright, heart somersaulting in his chest.

“W-what? He did? When?”

“About three hours ago. He asked that I not wake you when he dropped it off.”

Peter kicked the covers off his legs and crawled to the edge of the bed, easing his feet onto the floor. He stood cautiously, dizzying pain piercing through him. Light years better than last night’s agony, but still annoying. He was sore more than anything else. No longer teetering on the brink of death. He traversed the room with hesitant steps and pushed the door open, peeking outside.

Two objects were waiting on the floor in front of him. The first was a plate with a dome-shaped dish cover on top of it—like an expensive room service meal in a fancy hotel. The second was a basket with three things inside: a large Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, a bag of sour gummy worms, and a stuffed bear holding a card and a “Get Well Soon” balloon.

A thrill of warmth spurred from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. Peter glanced left and right, then quickly dragged the gifts into his room, locking the door behind him. He placed the dish on his side table and hopped back onto the bed with the goodie basket in his lap. He couldn’t stop himself from smiling like an idiot as he plucked the teddy bear from the pile of treats. He slipped the letter out from under its paws and held the toy close while gently peeling away the envelope.

The card inside looked like it was meant for a child: colorful and kiddie with cartoon Avengers scribbled on the front. He opened it up to find a message written in obscenely pretty handwriting:

Hope you’re feeling better, Webs! Here’s a little care package to lift your spirits and speed up the healing process :) I hope the sugary caramel abomination I ordered for you from Dunkin’ was made how you like. I also cooked some pesto pasta since I figured you wouldn’t be up until around lunch time, and because I found this great new recipe online. Please eat some of that before gorging yourself on candy and shitty coffee.

Take it easy!

XOXO -Johnny

Peter’s stomach flip-flopped and fluttered as he read the note again and again, honing in on that last line in particular.

XOXO. Hugs and kisses. Johnny.

He chewed his cheek, gazing at the collection of carefully selected presents scattered across his comforter. It was such a kind and thoughtful gesture. Too kind. Too thoughtful. Pasta sounded wonderful right about now, but the thought of eating made him queasy. His insides were too restless with excitement, too twisted with nausea, too jumbled with a third sensation he couldn’t quite place.

Maybe it was from the gunshot wound. Maybe it was something else.

Reeling, Peter fell back into the pillows, holding the card against his heart, staring at the ceiling fan until he could see the individual blades spinning round and round and round.

The events of yesterday played back in the young hero’s mind, returning to him in waves. Peter swinging through the city with the Human Torch by his side. The feelings he’d felt as they talked and laughed and fought together. The way Johnny looked as he soared above the city, brilliant as a shooting star, his body twisting and twirling within the billowing halo of fire. Those cobalt blue eyes flashing in his direction. Those moments of paralyzing intimacy that made Peter hold his breath. The embrace of his arms around his broken physical form. The compliments. The protectiveness. The generosity.

And the teasing. Jesus Christ. Peter had never met anyone so disarmingly good at flustering him, so fluent in rendering him crimson and tongue-tied. Nobody had ever had such a debilitating effect on him before. Within the five short days they’d known each other, Johnny Storm had successfully infiltrated every nook and crevice of his mind. When he was with him, he was nervous, scatterbrained, yet lit from within by colors he didn’t know existed. And when they were apart, he longed minute by minute for the return of that peculiar bashfulness, those exhilarating butterflies, that indescribable glow. It made one wonder…

What did it mean?

Why was he feeling this way?

What was happening to him?

You know.

Peter’s blurred vision suddenly snapped back into focus. Dread branched through his chest into his throat. He shut his eyes.

No. I don’t.

Yes. You do.

He could feel his pulse beating at the tips of his fingers. Blood surged through his veins like flood waters. He tried to tuck the feelings away like he always did—bury them somewhere deep enough that he’d never have to interrogate their significance. But this time, they were fighting him. He couldn’t push them down, couldn’t will them from his mind. They would not be ignored any longer.

I can’t, he protested hollowly. It—it can’t be that. It doesn’t make any sense.

But it’s the truth.

Peter wallowed in disbelief at the realization. His limbs were cold and numb. A panicked bird beat against his ribs where his heart was supposed to be. His lungs were starting to hurt inside his chest. Perhaps it was because he wasn’t breathing. Backhanded by clarity, he sucked in a gasp, eyes flying open.

“Oh no.”

Peter sat up rigidly, the letter slipping from his clammy fingers. Sudden electricity flashed through his cells; goosebumps prickled along his forearms. He groped frantically for his phone, punching in his passcode as fast as humanly possible and scrolling desperately through his contact list.

“Oh no, oh god, oh no, no, no.”

His body was heated to a million degrees yet somehow still freezing. The goofy image of his friend’s contact photo appeared before his eyes. He tapped the call button and pressed the phone to his ear, chewing his thumb nail while his knee bounced anxiously against the bed. Three generations lived and died before the familiar voice of his classmate finally came through.

“Hey, dude! What’s up?” Ned Leeds answered from the other end.

Peter hugged the “Get Well Soon” teddy bear so tight, the stuffing threatened to burst out of its head. “Ned?” he croaked into the speaker.

“Uh, yeah? This is in fact my number. Did you mean to call someone else?”

Spider-Man shook his head. “N-no, no. I just—” He swallowed, grappling to gather his erratic thoughts together, scratching at his scalp. “Can, um—can we meet somewhere? Like, now? I think I need to talk to you about something. I have pesto pasta and gummy worms.”

A beat passed before Ned spoke again. “Is that code for something that we’ve discussed before that I’ve completely forgotten about?” he asked hesitantly. “Is pesto, like—a bad guy’s nickname we came up with? Are you not able to speak freely right now? Oh god, what does gummy worms mean? That you’ve been captured by one of your enemies and they’re torturing you for information?”

Ned’s reply was so funny and unexpected, it helped jar him a little out of his existential meltdown. “What?” Peter stammered. “No, that’s not…I really do have pasta and gummy worms. I’m fine. Honest. Well—as far as not being kidnapped or actively tortured goes. I just…I really need to talk to someone, and I’ll bring food if you agree to meet up with me. You know, like, a bribe.”

Ned sighed in relief, then laughed. “Thank god. That would’ve been terrible if you were actually in danger. And embarrassing. Maybe we really should come up with a secret language or code word in case you ever find yourself in a situation like that.” He yelled something to his lola, feet stomping down the stairs. “Anyways—yeah, I can meet you somewhere. You know I would’ve said yes without the bribe, but I’ll never turn down a free meal. ”

Peter inhaled clipped breaths of relief. “Thanks, Ned. How about Washington Square Park? See yah in ten?”

“Sounds good. See yah there.”

Peter hung up the phone and launched himself out of bed, ignoring the daggers of pain in his side, desperate to keep his body in motion so his brain didn’t have the space to think. Being alone with his thoughts right now was out of the question. He couldn’t bear it. He had to keep himself distracted and moving until he could talk to Ned. Ned was his best friend. He’d promised to always be there for him, no matter what. This was the kind of thing best friends were supposed to be able to talk to each other about.

Right?

Peter stuffed his headphones into his ears and blasted the first Spotify playlist his thumb came into contact with. He threw on some clothes, nuked the pasta in his bedroom’s microwave, dumped it in a travel container with two sets of silverware, tossed everything into his backpack along with the gummy worms, and jogged out the door towards the elevator, slurping up nervous gulps of watered-down caramel iced coffee just to keep himself occupied, even though caffeine was the last thing he needed right now.

The elevator rose to his floor and split open like an egg. Peter moved to rush inside, but jumped back in surprise when someone stepped out at the same time. It startled him so much, he almost dropped his Dunkin’ Donuts cup.

“Whoa,” Stark exclaimed, raising his hands and chuckling a little. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare yah. I thought you were still in bed.”

Peter heaved shaky lungfuls of air. “It’s fine,” he stammered. “I just w-wasn’t expecting—it’s fine. I’m not wearing my mask, and I thought you were someone else.”

Immediately, Tony narrowed his eyes. “Are you all right?” he asked, stepping closer with a skeptical look on his face, reading him in an instant. “You seem...frazzled. Out of breath.”

Peter licked his lips and shook his head. There was only one person he felt even remotely prepared to have this conversation with. Mr. Stark hadn’t even been on his radar until this moment. In no way, shape, or form was he ready to talk to him about this yet. Not a chance. It was all too new and confusing. He felt like he didn’t even know himself anymore. He had to get out of here.

“I’m fine,” he insisted. He pulled the headphones out of his ears. “Just, er—late for lunch with Ned.”

“Your face is flushed,” Tony noted, placing the back of his hand against his forehead. “You sure you don’t have a fever?”

Peter swallowed. “Pretty sure,” he said stiffly. He flinched out of his reach. “Can I go now? I’m really late.”

“We need to change your bandages first,” Stark reminded him. He nudged him with his coffee mug, steering him back towards his room. “Come on, in here. Real quick. Then you can go.”

Screaming internally, Peter begrudgingly retraced his steps. He lifted his shirt on the way inside and started peeling the old bandage away from his torso.

“Jesus, kid. Slow down. You gotta be gentle while everything’s still healing.” Tony placed his cup on Peter’s bedside table and helped him unwind the rest of the gauze, carefully removing the bloodied dressing from the bullet wound. Peter shifted impatiently from foot to foot while his mentor tended to him, his mind hundreds of miles away from his injuries and this room.

“What’s that?” Stark asked, nodding towards the teddy bear on his bed while he worked. Peter followed his gaze to the stuffed animal and reddened.

“Oh, um…a gift,” he mumbled. “From, uh—from Johnny.” Just saying his name while in his current headspace was enough to pique his heart rate to dangerous velocities. He flexed his hands at his sides. “Are you almost done?”

“That was kind of him. He seems like a good kid. I think I had him pegged wrong before.” He blotted his stitches with disinfecting wipes and dressed the injury with fresh binding. “You two switched from bitter enemies to team-up buddies awfully quick, huh? I’m glad you were able to kiss and make up.”

Heat flashed through his body like a bolt of lightning. “W-why would you say that?” Peter choked out.

“Say what?” Tony replied, wrinkling his brow.

The teenager blinked, then lowered his gaze, running his palm across his forehead. “Nothing. Never mind. I gotta—I really need to go now.”

“Okay,” Stark said warily. He finished bandaging the injury on his torso and gave his side a light pat. “All done. Do you want any more pain meds before you leave?”

Peter gave a curt shake of his head. “Nope. I’m good. Thank you.” He jammed his headphones back into his ears and made a beeline for the door. But Tony caught him by the arm before he could escape, grip tight with concern.

“Hey. Kid. Look at me.”

Miserably, Peter turned to face him.

“Be honest, all right? You’re sure you’re okay?”

Nope. Negative. Absolutely not. He painted on his best attempt at an easygoing smile.

“Mm-hmm. Of course.”

“Because you’re acting kind of weird right now.”

He tensed his muscles against his hold. “I’m just really late,” Peter lied again. “And you’re sorta, y’know—making me even later by keeping me here.”

Slowly, Stark released his arm. His expression softened into something remorseful and grim. “I’m sorry I didn’t let you explain yourself last night,” he said. “I just—really hate it when you get hurt like that. I wish I could prevent it from ever happening. But I know that’s impossible, which frustrates the hell out of me. That doesn’t give me the right to be so hard on you.”

Peter’s fists unraveled at his sides. He met his mentor’s gaze, pricked with sudden guilt. Just enough to distract him from the hurricane of emotions currently raging in his head.

“I made you a promise and broke it,” he reminded him somberly. “You deserved to be mad at me.”

“It wasn’t a fair promise. Getting hurt in our line of work isn’t something you can always control. Especially when there’s hostages involved and the bad guys know your M.O.”

Peter winced. “You saw that?”

Tony nodded. “No denying it. They were armed to kill you specifically.”

The teen hero prodded at his bandages and shrugged. “Probably because I keep busting all their attempted kidnappings. This is the fifth human trafficking plot I’ve stopped in three months.”

“And you think they’ve all stemmed from the same organization?”

“I know they have.”

Stark pursed his lips and stroked his beard, releasing a slow, calculated breath. “Fisk?” he asked quietly.

Peter nodded.

“And you’ve seen the news?”

Spider-Man balled up his hands and glared at the ground. “It’s infuriating. I know this is all him. He’s the monster funding the trafficking ring and the drug cartel and probably hundreds of other awful things I don’t even know about.” He hung his head, puffing out a sigh. “But everyone’s too deep in his pocket. He covers all of his tracks and leaves zero loose ends. I can’t tie any of it directly back to him. And even if I could, it’s not like anyone would believe me.” Peter threw his hands up with a scoff. “Especially now that he’s gonna be the goddamn mayor.”

Stark laid a steadying hand on his shoulder. “I understand your frustration with all of this, kid. I really do. But you need to be careful.” He gestured to his gunshot wound. “This is the second time Fisk’s men have nearly taken you out. They’re expecting you to come after them at this point and preparing for it. Hell—maybe even orchestrating it. You’re lucky Johnny was there to catch them off guard and pull you out of that mess.”

With one word, Peter’s tumultuous quandary from earlier came crashing back over him like a sucker punch to the jaw. Feelings he wished he didn’t understand reignited somewhere in space between his guts and his heart. He opened and closed his mouth, warmth rising to the surface of his skin.

Stark studied him closely, giving his arm a small squeeze. “Is this what’s got you all riled up right now?” he asked. “Fisk’s operation, the campaign, all of it?”

Peter hesitated, the truth burning holes in the back of his throat, devouring his brain like a flesh-eating amoeba. Eventually, he nodded, grateful for the cop-out.

“Yes,” he answered reluctantly. “I—I guess it is.”

Tony grimaced, unconsciously cracking his knuckles—perhaps out of habit, or maybe because he felt like socking Kingpin in the balls.

“Well. The good thing about him running for mayor is that his life is about to become a lot more public. It won’t be as easy for him to get away with the things he used to now that he’s out in the limelight. Perhaps he’ll make a mistake, expose himself. Do your job for you.” Stark ruffled Peter’s hair. “Don’t stress yourself out over that douche canoe, all right? It’s not your job to fix every problem this city creates—especially those of the political variety. Just lay low for a little while, take some time to heal, and we’ll figure out how to deal with this once you’re better. Okay?”

Peter rubbed his sweaty palms on his jeans. “Okay,” he murmured, slowly backing away, pawing blindly for the doorknob. “I’m, um—I’m gonna go now, okay?”

The Avenger frowned, still noticeably puzzled by the kid’s odd behavior, but didn’t protest. “All right,” he said, wagging his finger in his direction. “No web-swinging. Understood? Get wherever you need to the old fashioned way: walking, taxi, or subway.”

Peter nodded fervently, eager to be free of his mentor’s scrupulous stare. “Got it. Yep. Thanks for, um—the bandages and the chat and stuff. Good talk. Uh-huh. You’re great. So cool. Love yah. Goodbye.” Then he sped out of the room, ears ablaze, kicking himself for whatever the hell that just was, trying to steel his nerves for the even scarier conversation ahead.

Tony watched Spider-Man leave with both eyebrows raised high, only to knit them back together suspiciously. He lifted his coffee cup off the bedside table and held it to his lips, taking a long, pensive sip.

“FRIDAY,” Stark called once Peter had left. “Any idea what in the fuck is actually going on with the kid right now?”

“I’m not sure, boss,” his A.I. responded. “He does seem more anxious than usual. His heart rate has been abnormally high since he woke up today.”

He downed the rest of his latte and drummed his fingers against the ceramic handle. “Keep an eye on him for me, would you? And fill me in on any possible causes you find. One thing’s for sure: he’s hiding something. And I do not enjoy being lied to.”

“Yes, boss.”

Peter had forgotten how much slower the rest of the world moved, imprisoned by gravity and dependent on a century-old public transportation system. He took for granted how much time web-swinging saved him— the roaring wind and pumping adrenaline driving all anxieties from his bones. Riding the subway left you simmering in your thoughts, fidgeting in place, trapped and twitchy and avoiding everyone’s prying gazes, fighting not to look as crazy as you felt.

Or maybe that was just him.

It would seem the universe had a vendetta against him that afternoon. Halfway through his trip across Manhattan, as he clung to a pole near the back of the subway car, he started noticing an uncanny theme to the songs Spotify was queuing up for him.

I've been watchin' you for some time

Can't stop starin' at those ocean eyes

Burning cities and napalm skies

Fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes

Your ocean eyes

He gripped the pole tighter. Skip.

Gleaming, twinkling

Eyes like sinking ships on waters

So inviting, I almost jump in

But I don't like a gold rush, gold rush

I don't like anticipatin' my face in a red flush

I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch

Everybody wants you

Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you—

Heat radiated off the teenager’s neck. Skip.

Johnny Angel, Johnny Angel, Johnny Angel—

“Ah!” Peter cried, tearing the headphones out of his ears. A couple passengers shot weird looks in his direction, but no one bothered to say anything. Stranger things had happened on New York public transit. Peter breathed in quick gulps, fighting to stay composed. He spent the remainder of the journey listening to the subway thunder and screech through the tunnels, pacing along the back wall of the car, daring not to play another goddamn song.

The torturous train ride gave Peter lots of time to think. Too much, in fact. By the time he spotted Ned sitting on a picnic blanket in the shade of a large oak tree, he was seriously beginning to question if he was making a mistake. If he should be doing this at all. If he should keep the truth bottled up inside where no one else would ever see it.

He didn’t have to tell him. He didn’t have to tell anyone. Things didn’t have to change. They could stay the same, so long as he kept his mouth shut.

“Peter!” Ned greeted him, waving cheerfully. Peter froze in place, panic swelling in his chest, second guessing every choice he’d ever made that had led him to this moment. Part of him wanted to whip around and sprint all the way back to Avengers Tower.

Instead, his feet pressed forward, carrying him across the lawn all the way to his friend’s side, as if they had minds of their own. Peter sat on Ned’s right, tucking his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around his legs.

“H-hey, Ned. Thanks for, um—for meeting me.”

“I’ve got good news!” Ned announced, grinning as wide as the Hudson. “I’m sure you’ll be happy to hear that I’ve finally found a buyer for my full set of limited edition Fantastic Four Funko Pops. I can’t wait to get those little bobble-headed assholes off my desk. Every time I look at them, all I can think about is how mean they’ve been to you! Even though it pains my collector’s heart to part with them, I won’t be caught dead owning merchandise from anyone who doesn’t support my superhero best friend—especially that dickhead Johnny Storm.”

Peter just stared at him, mouth falling open, blinking in disbelief. It took him a second to remember how to talk. “Oh my god,” he said, almost laughing at the realization. “We haven’t spoken since hanging out at Pop Star Boba, have we?”

“You mean the place that shitstain excuse for a superhero burnt down? Uh, yeah!”

Peter cupped his hands around his face, stifling an incredulous chuckle. “Right. Okay. So, about that…”

Ned craned his neck to try to see his friend’s expression. “What is it?” he asked.

Peter inhaled and exhaled slowly. “So, Johnny and I…” He forced his hands to drop from his cheeks onto his knees. “We’re actually kind of…friends now?”

Peter watched the excited twinkle gradually return to his friend’s eyes. “Really?” Ned said.

“Mm-hmm. We had the chance to really sit down and talk to each other a couple days ago, and we’ve been hanging out a lot ever since. He apologized for how he’s treated me, asked for my advice on being a superhero at our age, and from then on has only ever been kind and friendly.” He giggled to himself, thinking back through everything that had transpired between them in such a short amount of time. “He bought me a tarantula as an apology present.”

Ned blew a raspberry. “What? Aren’t you terrified of those things?”

Peter frowned at him. “No, I am not. I just—I’d rather not have one sleeping in the same room as me. They’re venomous. And hairy. And they’ve got those beady little eyes that follow you around no matter where you’re standing…” He shivered, then hunched his shoulders. “Anyway. We’re on a trial run right now. I’m trying to see if we can tolerate each other’s presence enough for me to keep him. Johnny said he’d take him if I can’t, though.”

“Yikes! Twenty bucks says you chicken out and give it back.”

“Wow. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Ned.”

Ned wrinkled his brow. “All right, so, he gave you a gift that you clearly hate. What else has he done to make up for being a jerk?”

Peter rested his chin on top of his arms, a fresh flood of warmth moving through him. “A lot, actually. Did you know he’s a really good cook? He made me the biggest, most insanely delicious breakfast the morning after our chat. He’s also the one who made the pasta I brought. Here—let me get it out.”

Ned lit up. “You’re telling me I’m about to eat something the Human Torch touched? I’m allowed to be excited about this, right? Since we’re both agreeing we’re fans of his again?”

“Yes,” Peter chuckled. “Be excited as you want.”

Ned rubbed his palms together eagerly. “Oh man, wait ‘til my lola hears about this! She’s gonna be so jealous!”

Peter lifted the tupperware out of his backpack and popped the lid off. He handed Ned a fork and placed the pasta on the blanket between them. They each assembled the perfect first bite and shoved it into their mouths at the same time. In unison, the two friends melted.

“Oh my god,” Peter mumbled.

“Holy shit,” Ned concurred.

“This might be the best pesto I’ve ever eaten,” Peter decided, heaving another portion into his face.

“Stuff that,” Ned laughed over a second forkful. “This is the best anything I’ve ever eaten, period.” He poked at the veggies and seafood scattered between the pasta noodles. “Are there fucking scallops in here? Jesus Christ. That guy is fancy as hell, man.”

“You see now why I was so quick to forgive him?” Peter chuckled.

Ned nodded zealously. “Shit, dude. I’d marry that man if he made this for me.”

Peter choked on his next bite, coughing and sputtering and pounding his fist against his chest. Ned laughed boisterously.

“It’s no fair that on top of being a superhero, he’s also an amazing cook, crazy famous, filthy rich, and insanely hot. I mean—leave some for the rest of us, am I right?” He nibbled at a pine nut on the end of his fork, eyes narrowed in thought. “I wonder what it feels like to be god’s favorite.”

When Peter didn’t answer, Ned shot a glance at his friend. He looked distant and anxious—limbs bunched in close, cheeks dusted pink, gaze locked rigidly in front of him. Ned tilted his head to the side, smile faltering.

“This is good, right?” he asked hesitantly. “I mean, that you guys are getting along?”

Peter turned to face him, breath hitching, breaking out of his trance. “Y-yeah,” he replied after a long pause. “Of course.”

“Because you seem…I don’t know. Scared, maybe? Worried?” He scooted a little closer to him, chewing seriously. “Do you think he’s got some kind of ulterior motive or something? That there’s a reason he’s suddenly being so nice?”

Peter hugged his knees a little tighter to his chest. “No. I don’t think so. I mean—I hope not.”

“Because you know I’m still your guy in the chair. If you suspect any foul play, I can program bots to flood his phone with robocalls about extra strength erectile dysfunction medication and premature male pattern baldness. I’ve done it before. You remember our psycho 7th grade history teacher Mr. Warren?”

Peter chuckled skittishly. “I don’t think that’ll be necessary. I truly believe he’s a genuinely nice guy who was just going through a really tough time when we first met.” He licked the last globs of whipped cream off his Dunkin’ Donuts straw then set the cup aside. “We teamed up last night to stop some men from abducting two kids. I got pretty badly hurt, and the cops were looking to arrest me. Unlike Spider-Man, the Fantastic Four have a good work rapport with the NYPD. I didn’t want Johnny jeopardizing that by defending me. I told him I could get back on my own so he wouldn’t have to ruin his team’s relationship with them for my sake.” A hesitant smile touched his lips. “But…he stayed. He stood up for me in front of all of them and put his life and reputation on the line to protect me. Then he flew me back to the tower and stayed awake to help Mr. Stark patch my wounds. And when I got up this morning, he’d left a ‘Get Well Soon’ basket outside my door.”

Ned listened to him speak with an awed, fixated expression, like a preschooler watching a puppet show. Then his face scrunched into a scowl. “Aw, dammit! This bastard is really gunning for my spot as Spider-Man’s best friend! How the hell am I supposed to compete with that?” He clasped his hands in front of his chest and gave Peter his biggest puppy dog eyes. “Please don’t replace me! Being besties with a superhero is the only cool thing I’ve ever accomplished in life! I can make ‘Get Well Soon’ baskets! I can stand up to shitty police officers! Just say the word!”

“Ned!” Peter exclaimed with a laugh, gripping him firmly by the shoulders. “I’m not replacing you. No one could ever replace you. You’ll always be my number one bestest friend. Promise.”

“Good,” Ned growled, crossing his arms and legs tautly. He stabbed at the pasta and jammed the fork in his mouth. As he chewed and swallowed bitterly, he punched the air in frustration. “Fuck, that’s amazing! Ugh! I hate this guy! But also love him! Can you introduce us? Pretty please?”

“That’s the thing,” Peter said, biting his lip. “He hasn’t met Peter Parker yet. Right now, he only knows me as Spider-Man.”

“Oh, nice. Take that, Johnny Storm. I know Spider-Man better than you.”

Peter stared across the field of fluttering butterflies, laughing picnickers, and dancing wildflowers. Sunlight filtered through the leaves above them, painting the grass in shimmering, golden patterns. Across the lawn, parents and their children sat in a circle around a man playing a guitar, singing “I’m A Little Teapot” while miming out the words. It was such a beautiful day. All he wanted to do was sit here with his best friend and simply enjoy it. But he was too distracted by his entire understanding of himself and his life and his future crumbling around him like the walls of Troy.

“Are you planning to tell him your real identity?” Ned asked.

Peter’s throat tightened. “No. I don’t know. Probably not.”

“Okay.” Ned twirled his fork between his fingers before spearing another helping of pesto. “Was that all you wanted to talk to me about? Your new bestie Johnny?”

Peter picked at the grass beneath his feet, the world weighing on his shoulders. His emotions in that moment were difficult to define. It wasn’t like these feelings he was wrestling with were something he was taught to see as evil or shameful or wrong. He knew and loved loads of people who existed this way and never once batted an eye. But not him. Not Peter Parker. This wasn’t supposed to happen to him. Never in a million years had he expected to find himself in his current position. This was something other people were and lived as and dealt with. Not him. This wasn’t him.

Was it?

Perhaps sharing the truth would make this all seem smaller, simpler; less suffocating and all-consuming. All he knew was that he couldn’t let it stew inside him any longer. He needed a confidant, a second opinion, a heart that cared about and knew his own. He needed his friend.

But how would he find the words?

“Peter?” Ned prompted him. The teenage hero met his classmate’s gaze. He realized he’d been sitting in silence for quite some time.

“There’s…something else,” he heard himself say, barely above a whisper.

“Okay,” Ned replied.

Every nerve in his body was set on end, buzzing like magnets of equal charge crammed together beneath his skin. I guess this is happening, he thought meekly. He forced his lips to keep moving, knowing they’d fail him if he let them stop.

“I think I might like someone,” he blurted out, cheeks burning like embers, heart hammering through his chest. He pinched his eyes shut and pressed his forehead against his knees. “But...I don’t know how to tell for sure.”

A massive smile broke across the entirety of Ned’s face. He nudged him with his shoulder, beaming as bright as the sun. “Oh yeah?” he chirped eagerly. “That’s exciting! Piping hot chisme alert! Spidey’s got a brand new crush!”

Peter shook his head without looking up, blushing from end to end. “I might not, though,” he retorted shrilly. “M-maybe my mind’s just playing tricks on me. My brain feels like mashed potatoes right now. I’m all mixed up.”

“What makes you say that?” Ned asked.

Peter dug his fingers into his arms. “They’re just…not the kind of person I normally like,” he stated delicately. He drove the heels of his shoes into the soft soil beneath the picnic blanket. “I don’t know.”

“I think it’s pretty easy to distinguish when you like somebody versus when you don’t,” his friend snickered. Peter peered at him timidly from behind his knees.

“What do you mean?”

Ned laid back against the ground, threading his fingers on top of his stomach as he stared into the canopy of green above them. “Well,” he mused, “how does this person make you feel?”

Peter cupped his palms around his elbows, scratching nervously at the backs of his arms. The simplest question, cursed with the most impossibly unsimple answer. How did Johnny Storm make him feel? He could probably fill entire libraries with poems and sonnets and prose trying to capture it, and it still wouldn’t be enough. Birds trilled from the treetops overhead.

“Like a moron,” he decided with a bleak laugh. He watched a ladybug crawl to the top of a bright yellow dandelion. “But also…important. Like maybe I’m worth more than I think.”

“And how do you feel about them?”

Peter grimaced, then sighed. “Like I’m not really worth their time,” he admitted. “I know that’s a bit contradictory, but…yeah. I enjoy being around them, don’t get me wrong. But whenever we’re hanging out, I’m constantly nagged by the sense that they have better things to be doing, more important people to be with. Like—out of everyone you could be talking to right now, why me?”

Ned pursed his lips disapprovingly. “I’m upset that you think that way, but I guess I can relate.” He fished the gummy worms out of Peter’s backpack and tore the bag open, offering him first dibs. “I suppose both of those are things you could feel for a friend or a crush.”

Peter grabbed a handful and tossed a few into his mouth, sour deliciousness bathing his tongue, a spark of hope flickering in his chest. “You see my dilemma, then?”

Ned waved dismissively. “All right—new plan.” He made a box with his fingers and held it in front of his eye. “Picture the person you’re talking about right now in your mind.”

Reluctantly, Peter closed his eyes. It took a moment, but the image gradually came to him: Johnny’s captivating face staring back at him inside his head. All mischievous smiles and strawberry blonde locks and freckle-splashed cheeks.

“You got it?” Ned asked.

“Yeah,” Peter said, squirming in place a little. “Now what?”

“Do you think they’re pretty?”

Fire blossomed at the base of his neck. “W-what?” Peter squeaked, caught off guard.

“Are they attractive? Do you like the way they look? Would you like to hold their hand? Do you want to kiss them?”

With the truth staring him directly in the face, Peter could deny it no longer. His eyes popped open as his heart sloshed into his gut. “Shit,” he rasped. He flopped back against the earth, limbs sprawled across the picnic blanket, gazing helplessly into the patchwork of criss-crossing branches overhead. “I have a crush on Johnny Storm.”

“Wait—what?” Ned exclaimed, shooting upright. Peter covered his face with his hands and groaned. “That’s who you’ve been talking about this whole time? You’re telling me you’ve got the hots for the Human fucking Torch? Holy shit, dude!”

“Ned!” Peter yelped, slapping a palm over his friend’s mouth, immediately drowning in terror and regret. “Quit screaming about it! This is a best-friends-only type of secret, okay? No one else can know!”

Ned pried his hand from his lips, giddy with giggles. “I’m sorry! I promise I won’t tell! It’s just—” Glee sparkled in his eyes. “—sooo cute! And unexpected! How long have you known?”

Peter whimpered feebly, smothering himself with his arms. “I don’t know! This is all so new and confusing to me. I have no idea how to feel about it, or what it really even means...”

Ned tapped his chin with his index finger. “Well. Do you still like girls?”

Stars danced across the backs of his eyelid as Peter picked his brain for an answer. “I…I think so,” he murmured hesitantly, dazed by the volume of thoughts and feelings churning around in his body.

“But you like boys, too?”

He didn’t want to say it. Saying it made it real. It confirmed all those tiny moments of interest and attraction he’d felt growing up, but absolutely refused to investigate—which had increased exponentially over the past couple of years. It turned this into a tangible piece of himself he was finally going to have to acknowledge and face. Another label that othered him, setting him apart from the rest of the world.

But there was no point in resisting now. And he was tired of lying to himself.

Peter pushed up onto his elbows. “I guess I do,” he said solemnly. “I guess…I have. I just never wanted to admit it.”

Ned smiled at him. “In that case, that probably means you’re bisexual.”

Peter glanced at his friend, eyes wide, jaw tight.

“Or pansexual. That’s an option, too. I think it’s one of those situations where being one of them means you’re also the other, but not everyone is both. Right?”

He’d heard these terms a thousand times over, but had never associated them with himself until now. They bounced around inside his skull like grasshoppers, animated with new meaning.

“Y’know, you’re taking this a lot better than I am,” Peter observed warily, almost offended.

Ned giggled. “What—would you rather I be shocked and horrified? I can pretend to be, if that’d make you feel better.”

Peter squeezed his eyes shut. “No, I just…I don’t know. I figured you’d be surprised, at least. I’m still only barely beginning to come to terms with it myself.”

“Of course I’m surprised,” Ned assured him. “And I’m happy you trust me enough to share something like this with me.” Ned hinted a cautious smile. “But I’m also, like…not that surprised.”

Peter turned towards him, scrunching up his brow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Ned shrugged and smirked. “I’m just saying. Being your best friend and all…there’s been some hints. Y’know, here and there.”

Peter crinkled his nose. “Define hints, Ned.”

Ned rolled his eyes. “Peter, come on. I’ve seen your For You page. No exclusively straight individual watches that many Joe Burrow fan cams.”

Peter’s ears went scarlet. “What? That doesn’t—I’m not—I just—I like—sport.”

“Really? You ‘like sport’?”

“Y-yeah. Totally. I have a very deep appreciation for the complex strategy of the game.”

“Oh yeah? What position does he play?”

Peter swallowed. “Um…runner back? No, wait—defensive end? Those are positions, right?”

“Nope. Not even close. How about what team he’s on?”

Peter huffed. “I’m trying to be vulnerable with you right now, and you’re bullying me. I do not appreciate being victimized in my tender, fragile state.”

Ned cackled, slapping his knee. “The TikTok algorithm doesn’t lie, my friend. I didn’t even mention how often I’ve caught you liking Johnny Storm thirst traps.” He threw him a sinister grin. “Which, looking back, makes a lot more sense now.”

Bone-deep embarrassment radiated through him, but he tried his best not to give his friend the satisfaction. He buried his face in his hands, laughing sheepishly.

“I’m having a terrible time right now; I hope you know that.”

“Also, what kind of straight guy designs their superhero costume to be that tight? Oh, and another thing—”

“All right! I get it! It was glaringly obvious to everyone except me! Thanks, Ned!”

Ned chuckled. “I don’t know about glaringly obvious. I doubt anyone who hangs out with you less than I do has any idea.”

Peter watched a plane wink through the gaps in the boughs and leaves above them. “Do you think May knows?” he asked gingerly.

Ned tore a gummy worm in half with his teeth. “I’m not sure. I mean—she probably knows you better than anyone. So maybe.”

Something cold snaked between Peter’s lungs.

“But if she doesn’t, I’m positive it wouldn’t change how she felt about you at all,” Ned added quickly. “She loves you more than anything.”

Peter was grateful he couldn’t argue with him. He gnawed his inner lip.

What about Mr. Stark? What would he think?

Now he was lumped with a second enormous secret to keep under wraps. It was almost humorous. Perhaps Peter Parker was a more complicated individual than he gave himself credit for.

“But anyways,” Ned continued, laying on his stomach with his chin perched on his palms, kicking his feet in the air and grinning like a loon. “I need all the juicy deets on how this adorable crush of yours came to be. When did the feelings start? Do you think he likes you back? How are you planning on telling him?”

Peter clammed up, heat bleeding across his skin. “I’m not…I don’t…” he stammered. The young hero licked his lips, throat tight, then faced away from him dejectedly. “I’m not telling him. No way. Half the world has a crush on him, and we’ve only just become close in the past couple of days. It’d be weird and selfish of me to mess that up by burdening him with my stupid emotions. Hundreds of people confess their undying affection for him every day; it’s nothing special, and not worth bringing up.”

“Is making you breakfast and the most delicious pasta in the world and leaving you ‘Get Well Soon’ gifts after rushing your injured self to safety not special too?” Ned countered, leaning in close. He poked at Peter’s ribs, making the superhero jerk sideways and giggle. “Face it, Parker: the mutual pining between you two couldn’t be more obvious.”

“It’s nohot like that!” Peter insisted, shoving him away. Ned tumbled backwards onto the blanket with a laugh. “That’s just how Johnny is, okay? He’s thoughtful and generous with everyone. It’s why so many people like him so much.”

“Other than the fact that he’s an absolute hottie?” Ned snickered. Peter’s cheeks burned like fire as his friend’s choice of phrase unearthed a memory from the night before. Spider-Man sprawled weakly across the hospital bed as Johnny tended to his battered, half-naked form, his touch soft and gentle while his words struck like arrows, relentlessly teasing him about how cute and shredded and hot he was. In the moment, Peter thought he might erupt from the inside out. Thinking back to it now, the threat persisted.

Peter forced his brain to recalibrate, grounding himself with a wobbly breath. “Johnny doesn’t even like guys,” he reminded them both.

“Who says?” Ned retorted.

“Everyone! I mean—there’s no evidence proving otherwise!”

“But he’s so whimsical!” Ned protested. “He’s rocked a full face of makeup for some of his photo shoots! He wore a corset and platform heels to the Met Gala this year!”

“None of those things make you gay, Ned!” Peter shot back. “Dating other guys does! Which, as far as anyone’s aware, he never has.”

“Maybe he’s a baby gay,” Ned suggested. “You know—like you. Maybe he’s only just beginning to recognize and embrace that side of himself.”

Peter scratched and tugged at his messy tangle of curls. “Johnny is a very open person,” he insisted exasperatedly. “He’s confident, outspoken, and not great at lying. I don’t think he’d try to hide something like this. I doubt he even could. Besides—he’s always being photographed running between events with some girl hanging off his arm.” He winced, realizing how shallow and jealous that sounded, but stuck with it nonetheless.

“You of all people should know how unreliable tabloids can be,” Ned pointed out. “Johnny Storm’s strength is that he appeals to the masses. Being openly anything except hot and charming and straight could hurt his image. Maybe his PR team doesn’t want him risking that. Or maybe Johnny’s just not ready to share his sexuality with the world.”

Peter slipped a cheerless forkful of pasta between his lips. “Whether he is or isn’t doesn’t matter,” he stated. “I’m not telling him. I want us to stay friends, and this could ruin that.” He stared at his shoes with a gloomy haze over his eyes. “I’ll just have to find a way to…get over it. Keep it a secret.” He lifted his shoulders listlessly. “Lucky for me, I’m good at those.”

“I don’t know,” Ned said, hooking an arm around Peter’s neck. “You’ve been bitten by the lovebug pretty bad, my friend. You sure you’re gonna be able to resist those dreamy eyes and flaming biceps cooking you meals and giving you presents and whisking you off your feet?”

“You’re a dick,” Peter giggled, shrugging him off. “And yes, I think I can manage.”

“At least tell me what you like the most about him,” Ned pried. He picked a flower from the lawn and held it out to him dramatically. “How did the Human Torch manage to capture your tender, spidery heart?”

Peter rolled his eyes, taking the flower in his hand and twirling it between his thumb and forefinger. His expression softened a little, a comforting warmth glazing over him. “Johnny…kind of amazes me,” he said. “He’s so sure of himself. He’s not ashamed of who he is, and he’s not afraid of openly expressing his emotions. He’ll give you his honest opinion about everything—often unprompted, which can get annoying—without any diluting or sugarcoating. But it’s never to be rude; he just understands the value of healthy communication. He’ll call you out on your shit because he cares, not because he’s mean. And when he’s proven wrong or makes a mistake, he admits it wholeheartedly and takes ownership of the consequences. All of his confidence is genuine, which has made me realize just how phony mine is. I’m good at putting on a mask and faking it, like an actor playing a role. But it’s all just for show; none of it’s actually real.”

Absentmindedly, Peter began plucking the petals from the stem one by one, letting them drop from his fingertips and fall into his lap like tiny, spiraling feathers. “He’s also very attentive to detail,” he went on. “He’ll remember little things you said you liked in passing and just—get them, or make them for you. For no reason. He makes people feel noticed and special. The media likes to paint him as a bit of an airheaded jock, but it’s not true. He’s thoughtful and sensitive. And despite being so famous, he stands up for what he believes is right—even when his fans or teammates or allies disagree. When he cares about something, he cares so much. He has a very rare, very delicate heart. He’s funny, too—and way too good at poking fun.”

Ned elbowed Peter in the side, jarring him out of his lovey-dovey rambling. “And he’s hot. Right? Come on. I need to hear you say it.”

With a huff, Peter threw up his hands in defeat. “Fine. And hot. Stupidly, ridiculously hot.” The teenage superhero smiled to himself. “But mostly pretty. Like…so pretty. He’s got these long, fluffy eyelashes you can only see up close and this little pink scar just above his eyebrow that kind of looks like the square root symbol but flipped upside down and facing backwards and don’t even get me started on those adorable goddamn freckles of his or the fact that he smells like lavender and coffee beans and some other third thing I’m probably too poor to recognize but smells fucking amazing and oh my god I am so not straight.”

Ned cracked up, wrapping his friend in a big bear hug as Peter dropped his face into his hands, moaning in dismay. “I know it must be hard to still be actively processing your gay awakening in real time, but I hope you understand how entertaining it is to watch,” Ned giggled.

“How am I going to do this…?” Peter whimpered into his palms. His eyes snapped up to Ned’s, wide and panicky. “W-what if he figures it out on his own?”

Ned smiled delicately, rubbing Peter’s back. “Would that really be such a bad thing?” he ventured to say.

“It’d be the worst thing.”

“Oh, please. Don’t be so dramatic. Again: what if he likes you back?”

Peter shook his head, crippled by uncertainty. “How could anyone like someone if they don’t even know what they look like?”

“Blind people fall in love every day, Peter. Quit being insensitive.”

“Oh my god. You know what I mean. For this kind of situation—where everyone’s used to seeing each other before developing feelings.”

Ned punched him in the arm, making his friend recoil. “Come on. You’re so likable. You’ve got a great personality and a very toned little butt—which that suit of yours does a marvelous job of highlighting, might I add. Johnny does not need to see your face to know how lucky he’d be to date you.”

Peter flopped onto his side and whined like a wounded puppy. “It’s hopeless, Ned. My perfect ass isn’t enough.” He curled into a fetal position, bunching his eyes closed. “Why are we even talking about this anymore? I’m not ready to show him who I really am, and we don’t even know if he likes guys. I’m just driving myself insane at this point.”

Ned’s face suddenly lit up like the Fourth of July. He grabbed Peter’s shoulder and gave it a violent shake, grinning from ear to ear. “OMG! Genius idea alert!”

“Ouch! Dude! That’s the side I got shot on! It’s still healing!”

“You were shot?” Ned sputtered, hands springing back. Then he shrugged. “Oh, whatever. I’m sure you’ll be fine. Anyways—I think I know how to fix your Johnny Storm heartsick conundrum.”

“I’m terrified to hear where you’re going with this,” Peter admitted.

Ned whipped out his phone and pounded his thumbs against the keyboard. “I wasn’t originally gonna go to this because I thought we’d canceled Mr. Storm, but now that you’re crushing on him instead, we have to be there!” He flipped the phone towards Peter, bouncing on his knees with excitement. “Look! Johnny is having a fan meet-and-greet event!”

Peter squinted at the screen. How Ned managed to stare at a phone set to full brightness all day long was beyond him. “Okay?” he said, still puzzled. “How is this gonna fix anything?”

Ned narrowed his eyes, turning the screen back to himself. “All right—so maybe it won’t fix everything,” he conceded. “But it would give you a chance to meet Johnny as yourself and see how he’d react to the real you.”

Peter frowned, tilting his head to the side. “I kinda already did that,” he reminded him. “I confronted him as Peter Parker after he set fire to Pop Star Boba, remember?”

“Oh. Right. Well—how did he react to you then? Probably not too nicely, huh?”

Peter blushed, wrapping his arms around his legs. “He, um…kind of called me ‘pretty boy’?” he squeaked. Then he immediately retreated. “B-but I don’t really think—”

“What? Are you shitting me right now?” Ned grabbed his wrists, cutting off all circulation to his hands. “Oh, we are so going! You two have to see each other again! You need a proper reunion!”

“Johnny flirts with everyone!” Peter said skittishly. “It doesn’t mean anything!”

“Now you’re just being a little bitch,” Ned snapped. He released him from his death grip and tapped wildly at his phone screen, sticking his tongue out in concentration. “We’re going, and that’s final. Me to get my Funko Pops signed, and you to see Johnny as Peter again. Oh shit! That reminds me! I gotta tell my buyer the deal’s off.”

“I don’t know what you’re expecting to happen,” Peter mumbled. “I doubt he’ll even remember me.”

Ned waved dismissively. “Shut your face hole. I’m trying to find the date for this thing. The screenshot I took cut off the bottom of the poster.”

Peter sighed, snapping the lid back onto the tupperware. “You only get, like, five seconds with the celebrities doing those things, anyway. I doubt it’ll be enough time to make it worth—”

“Shut up.”

Peter shot a glance at him, gawking in disbelief. “Jesus, all right! No need to be an asshole about it! I’m just saying—”

“No, Peter—shut up.” He shoved his phone in front of his eyes. “Look! You’re trending right now!”

Peter blinked in surprise, then nudged the screen out of his face, heaving an irritated sigh. “Oh, great. What scathing, baseless lies is Jonah pushing about me this time?”

“It’s not Jonah,” Ned insisted, scrolling frantically through his feed. “I think Johnny talked about you in his interview on the Today Show this morning.”

A tremor shot through Peter’s skeleton. “Wait—what?” He flew to Ned’s side, eyes glued to the screen. “Where? What did he say?”

“Here’s the video,” Ned said, clicking the “play” button. It started with a wide shot showing everyone involved in the interview: two hosts, and every member of the Fantastic Four. Peter’s pulse climbed as he watched the conversation unfold.

“Okay—this one is for all of you,” the bubbly news anchor announced. “Obviously you four are me and Savannah’s favorite superheroes; that goes without saying. But I have to know: outside of this team, who are each of your favorite superheroes?”

“Let’s start with you, Mr. Grimm,” the other host chirped.

Ben grunted, dwarfing everyone in the room, the water bottle in his hand looking comically small. “The Hulk,” he said gruffly, man-spreading to keep from crushing the fancy coffee table between his knees. “He and I got a lot in common, yah know? He paved the way for me to accept myself after the accident and start using my powers to help people. And he proved that one guy can in fact be the brains and the brawns.”

The hosts and the crowd applauded approvingly. The camera switched to showing all of the Fantastic Four. Johnny lounged regally in his chair, left leg crossed over his right, one finger pressed along the side of his temple. He wore sharp plaid pants with a satin short-sleeve button-up and a pair of Doc Martens. His hair was all gelled up except for one delinquent strand dangling rebelliously in front of his eyes. He looked positively divine. He had a wry grin on his face, as if thinking of a snarky remark to make in response to Ben’s last statement. But if he was, he kept it to himself.

“How about you, Dr. Richards?”

Reed chuckled shyly. “All right, I know this might not be the most original answer. But Tony Stark has always been a major inspiration of mine. The man wasn’t born a superhero; he made himself into one using the power of his mind and the technology at his disposal. I’ve always admired his remarkable intelligence.”

More applause. Nervousness crawled across Peter’s skin like ants.

“Dr. Storm?”

“Captain Marvel. I mean—what an icon, right? Her strength and bravery is literally out of this world. So many young girls look up to her and recognize their own power because of her. I’d be lucky to be half the superhero she is one day.”

Everything around him had fallen away. All that remained was the tiny rectangular video screen flickering before Peter's eyes and the little talking heads chittering back and forth. The hosts turned to the Human Torch expectantly.

“And you, Johnny? I’m sure everyone watching is eager to hear their favorite superhero’s favorite superhero.”

Laughter bubbled from the audience. The teenager smiled, a daring gleam in his eye.

“Oh, that’s an easy one,” he said without hesitating. “Spider-Man.”

A few sharp gasps cut through the silence that immediately swept the entire studio. The two hosts blinked, jaws slightly hung. Ned pinched Peter’s arm, squealing with excitement. Sue’s head whipped towards Johnny so fast, she easily could’ve snapped her own neck.

“Wow!” the older host eventually exclaimed, clapping her hands together with an awkward laugh. “Really? Spider-Man?”

“That’s right,” Johnny said.

“Now there’s a bold choice,” the other host chimed in, flashing the camera a nervous grin. “You do know that most of New York doesn’t see Spider-Man as a hero, right? A lot of people believe he does more harm than good.”

“And I respectfully disagree,” Johnny replied.

“Johnny…” Sue warned him, the veins in her neck throbbing beneath her skin.

“Well,” the older host continued hesitantly, “I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say I’m dying to know: what makes Spider-Man your favorite?”

“His uncompromising selflessness,” Johnny answered immediately, voice level and direct. “Spidey battles crime and saves lives without asking for a single thing in return. He protects the people of this city because he’s a good person—plain and simple. He cares more about helping others than wealth or fame or anyone else’s opinion of him. Despite all the terrible lies the world spreads about him, he still does everything in his power to defend it. And I find that incredibly noble.”

Peter's heart did cartwheels inside his chest. One second, he was swooning over Johnny’s heartfelt compliments. The next, he was bristling with panic. He didn’t know what to do or what to think.

“You sound pretty confident in your endorsement of our resident wall-crawler,” the younger host noted. “May I ask what brought you to this conclusion? What made you decide that Spider-Man might be a hero after all?”

Johnny interlaced his fingers together and placed them against his knee. “A lot of things,” he responded. “But the moment that really sealed the deal was when I teamed up with him yesterday to stop a group of thugs from kidnapping some kids, and watched him take a bullet to protect one of them.”

Murmurs of surprise and doubt rumbled from the audience. The other members of the Fantastic Four exchanged pointed glances. The older host pressed a hand to her chest in shock.

“Goodness! Is he all right?” she asked.

“He’ll be okay,” Johnny assured them. “He’s tough. But he doesn’t deserve all the hate this city throws at him. Spider-Man is a prime example of a true, authentic hero.”

The other host turned to face the audience. “Well, you heard it here first, folks: Spider-Man’s got Johnny Storm’s stamp of approval. Perhaps the web-slinger isn’t a menace after all.”

“Up next, the Fantastic Four take on our superhero cupcake decorating challenge. Who do you think has what it takes to win it all? Stay tuned to find out!”

Then the video ended, replaced by an ad for vegan protein powder that probably tasted like dog food.

“Holy shit,” Peter whispered, sitting back on his heels.

“Holy shit!” Ned cried.

“Why would he do that?” he asked bewilderedly, gripping his head in his hands. “Sue is going to skin him alive!”

“Duh! Because he loooves you!”

“Ned!” Peter yelped, ears burning. “Not the time!”

“It’s the only explanation!”

“I—I have to go,” Peter stammered, cramming the gummy worms and leftover pasta into his backpack. He slung the bag over his shoulder, moving to leave, thoughts spiraling, but Ned hopped to his feet.

“Wait!” he called after him. “There’s something else.”

Peter turned around, wired with enough anxious energy to power every building in the Bronx. “Now what?” he groaned.

“Johnny got into a Twitter fight with some fans of his shortly after the interview aired,” Ned explained, thumbs flying. “They went back and forth for a bit arguing about you, and then…” His fingers slowed as he frowned at his phone screen. A couple seconds later, Ned bit his lip, fighting back laughter.

“What?” Peter said, squeezing the life out of his backpack straps. “What is it?”

Giggles slipped through Ned’s defenses. Peter ran to his friend’s side and snatched the phone out of his hand. As his eyes absorbed the image on the screen, blush exploded across his face.

to all of you who still believe #spider-man is a menace, the caption read, i need you to know that THIS is what that dumbass wears to sleep at night. diabolical, right?

Below the cut was the photo Johnny had taken of Peter yesterday morning, wearing his Spider-Man mask, his oversized “I Survived My Trip to New York” T-shirt, and his bright pink Hello Kitty pajama pants. He had the knuckles of one hand pressed against his left eye lens, kneading sleepily at his face. He was absolutely drowning in his clothes and looked way younger than Spider-Man usually did compared to the typical pictures shared of him online.

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“He didn’t,” Peter croaked, cupping his palm over his mouth. “Oh my god! He posted that photo of me? He wasn’t supposed to share that!”

Ned cackled hysterically. “At least he’s standing up for you! Maybe this will make people stop hating you so much! I mean—how could anyone hate you after seeing you in that outfit?”

“I have to find him,” Peter said, voice brittle. He handed the phone back to Ned. “I have to—shit! I don’t even have his number!”

“Ooh! Perfect opportunity for you to ask for his digits, then!” Ned’s expression shifted when he saw the look on his friend’s face. “We’re excited about this, right? I mean—your crush is voicing his support for you on live TV! You’re not, like, freaking out right now, are you?”

Peter shook his head, sweaty and frazzled. “I don’t know. I mean…kinda?” He heaved his backpack higher up on his shoulders. “I—I’m gonna go now. Thanks for meeting up with me on such short notice. We’ll talk more later, okay?”

“Hold on! Peter!” his friend yelled behind him. But Peter didn’t stop. He raced out of the park and cleared a couple of blocks before flinging himself into the first deserted alleyway he happened across, shooting wild glances over his shoulder as he stripped out of his street clothes and threw on his Spider-Man suit—the extra one Stark had made for him that wasn’t currently torn to pieces and soaked in blood.

Once he was in costume, Peter leapt off the ground and buoyed into the street, carrying himself towards Avenger Tower on frantic lines of webbing. It wasn’t until his side started throbbing like the devil that he remembered he wasn’t supposed to be web-swinging right now, but by then he was almost halfway to his destination and had no plans of slowing down.

When he finally arrived at the imposing skyscraper, Peter dropped onto the tower’s extended balcony in the center of the helicopter pad, gripping his wound with a groan.

“FRIDAY!” Spider-Man grated out breathlessly. “Where’s Johnny?”

“Peter Parker!” the A.I. scolded him. “What do you think you’re doing? Mr. Stark gave you specific instructions to limit your physical activity and refrain from—”

“I know! I forgot! I’m sorry, okay?” He forced himself to stand up straight, grimacing behind his mask. “Please just tell me where he is.”

With an aggravated huff, FRIDAY begrudgingly complied. “On the roof,” she stated. “Just be careful climbing up there so you don’t tear through your stitches even more.”

Peter exhaled in relief, grateful he wasn’t far. “Thank you,” he said. Then he scaled the short stretch of wall leading to the roof, which sat between the two extravagant panels fanning out from the top of the tower. There was no access to it from inside; the only way to reach it was by flying or climbing, which meant it was a relatively sequestered space.

Spider-Man hopped over the crown of the tower, panting weakly, hugging his midsection. He hoped FRIDAY wasn’t planning to tell Stark about his freshly popped sutures, or how he’d gone about ripping them. Tendrils of pain lanced through his side like shark’s teeth.

“Johnny?” he wheezed, lifting his head. “You here? I, uh, need to talk to you about—”

Whatever words he was about to say next got lodged somewhere in the back of his throat. Peter froze in place at the sight before him, inhaling sharply, pulse revving into overdrive.

Johnny stood with his back facing him, shirtless and barefoot, hands gripping the pull-up bar Stark had installed for himself back before the Avengers were even a thing. Other decades-old workout equipment littered the rooftop—scuffed and rusted from years of exposure to the elements, but still relatively functional. It looked like Johnny had been bouncing between the different stations before Peter had arrived, testing out the various weights and machines. But right now, he was focused on his arms and back.

Coincidentally, so were Peter’s eyes.

Again and again, Johnny raised his chest above the bar, then lowered himself back down with controlled, precise movements. The muscles in his back powered through each motion in the most beautifully mesmerizing way, rippling and coiling and pinching together fluidly. He puffed out quick breaths between each rep, sunlight gilding the curve of his biceps.

When he finished his set, Johnny dropped to the floor and snatched a water bottle off the bench, tipping it back with the nozzle between his lips. Tiny streams trickled from the sides of his mouth and slipped down his neck. The world suddenly dipped into slow motion, the outline of Johnny’s body glowing with supernatural light, the edges of Peter’s vision tinting pink. Jesus, he was pretty. Heartbreakingly so. He forgot for a moment why he’d scrambled here in such a rush in the first place. Was it for something important? Or was it just to admire how lovely Johnny’s muscles looked in the afternoon sunshine?

Dear god. How did he ever convince himself this was anything other than a big, fat crush?

Johnny turned towards him, pouring water over his head, letting it spill down his face and chest and soak into his hair. He ran his fingers through his scalp, slicking back dripping strands of reddish-gold. Sweat-damp skin gleamed and glistened like a dewy spring morning; exertion painted his face in rosy, splotchy colors. He pulled out the towel he had tucked into his waistband and swiped it across the back of his neck. As he dried his hair, his eyes flickered up to meet his, electrified by the summer sun.

“Wah!” Johnny shrieked in alarm, tiny flames erupting from his shoulders. Peter shrieked back, startled out of his infatuated stupor.

“Gah! I—uh—shit—sorry!” Peter whirled away from him, covering his eyes with his palms, struck with realization that he’d been caught red handed ogling Johnny like a goddamn weirdo.

Johnny squinted in his direction, shielding his eyes from the sun. “Spidey?” he said, pulling an Airpod out of his ear. “Is that you?”

“Yes,” Peter answered, voice shriveled with embarrassment. “Sorry for scaring you. FRIDAY told me you were up here.” He spoke without turning around or uncovering his eyes.

Johnny jogged across the rooftop to meet him, scoffing in amusement. “Why are you hiding your face like that?”

Timidly, Peter peered at him over his shoulder. “Sorry, I thought you were—I don’t know. Working out in private or something? I didn’t mean to intrude.”

The Human Torch giggled. “Dude, I had to strip you down to your underwear yesterday. If I got to see you in all your nakey, shredded glory, the least I can do is return the favor.”

Peter laughed awkwardly, hands fidgeting at his sides. This boy was going to be the death of him.

“Besides,” Johnny continued, tossing the towel over his shoulder. “I don’t care about people seeing me like this. I’m not up here to hide from anyone, if that’s what you’re thinking.” He frowned. “Well…except for my sister.”

Spider-Man breathed in slowly. Right. The interview. The Twitter posts. That’s why I’m here. Focus, Peter.

“She’s gotta be so pissed off,” Peter started to say. “Why the hell would you—?”

“Did you get my present?” Johnny interrupted him, flashing the most adorable, bright-eyed smile. The excitement on his face was so sweet and disarming, Peter found his own lips curling upwards.

“Yes,” he said after a moment. He stared off to the side, blushing and smiling and scratching the back of his head. “That was…really kind of you.”

“Did you like the pasta?” he asked eagerly. Peter slapped himself in the forehead.

“Did I like it? Holy shit, man! That was the most insanely delicious thing ever! How’d you even make that?”

Johnny laid a dramatic hand across his chest. “It’s an art,” he said, pretentious as ever. Now that he was standing right in front of him, Peter could see the hundreds of tiny freckles speckling not just his limbs and face, but his torso as well. They decorated his skin the way a pointillist dotted a canvas or constellations adorned the cosmos. Peter thought it would be fun to trace the paths between them with his finger.

Whoa. Okay. Reel it in there, Pete. Even after accepting these feelings for what they truly meant, intrusive thoughts like that were still gonna take his baby bi brain some getting used to. He felt like a foreigner in his own body: thinking and desiring things completely out of his control. Things he knew he’d never be able to act on, which only made him want them more.

“It’s good to see you on your feet again,” Johnny said, pointing to his side. “How’s your injury doing? You’ve been taking it easy today, right? No web-swinging?”

Peter blinked, struggling to anchor his wistful thoughts. “Uh…sure,” he stammered. He jerked his eyes back up to Johnny’s face, then gave his head a quick shake. God, he was distracting. “Anyways, um—I wanted to talk to you about—”

“The Today interview?” he finished for him. A wily playfulness entered his expression. “You saw it, right?”

Spider-Man gave an incredulous huff. “Why would you do that?” he asked helplessly. “What on earth were you thinking? Are you trying to make everyone hate you?”

“I was asked a question, and I told the truth,” Johnny answered simply. “I didn’t go into it with any sort of agenda. It just happened.”

“Johnny,” Peter snapped. “Please, just—listen to me, okay?” He hunched his shoulders and balled his hands into fists. “I don’t care what people think about Spider-Man. I’ve told you before; It doesn’t matter. But I know you care what people think about the Human Torch. Their support is really important to you, and I don’t want you falling out of their favor. If you keep this up, you’re going to regret ever meeting me.” He rubbed at his aching side, voice sinking. “You really—you have to stop, okay? Please.”

The look that shuddered across Johnny’s face wasn’t what Peter was expecting, and also maimed his heart a little bit. After a beat, the Human Torch scoffed.

“Hold up—are you mad at me for telling people to stop treating you like shit?”

Peter winced. “No. I’m not mad at you. I mean—I am slightly pissed that you posted that photo of me from yesterday after I asked you not to, but…”

“You said ‘I’d better not see that on The Daily Bugle’,” Johnny pointed out. “You never said anything about Twitter.”

“Well, the Bugle retweeted it, so now it technically is on there.”

“And that’s probably the most flattering photo they’ve ever shared of you,” Johnny countered. “You wanna know what they were talking about before I posted that or did the interview? The Bugle was trying to make everyone believe that you were the one who kidnapped that kid yesterday! Not Fisk’s men! Oh—but thank god Johnny Storm was there to pry the poor tike from Spider-Man’s evil clutches! What a hero! They had poorly photoshopped pictures to back up their story and everything!” Johnny stepped closer to him, jabbing his finger into his chest. “But I stopped them. I told the truth, and they were forced to retract their lies. Now everyone will know they can’t be trusted, and you can start to clear your name.” Wisps of smoke trailed off his shoulders and dissipated into the sky. “But you’re mad about that? I don’t understand. I thought you’d be grateful!”

Even though they were in the middle of a semi-heated disagreement, Peter had to take a second to acknowledge the way Johnny’s powers reacted to his emotions, and how devastatingly cute it was. When he was startled, little fires flared out of him in every direction, punctuating his shock in the most hilarious fashion. When he was frustrated, his head and shoulders smoked like a grouchy, overworked radiator, making his irritation all the more obvious. He wondered if positive emotions could trigger his powers in ways Peter hadn’t witnessed yet. If so, he hoped he’d have the chance to see it.

Peter lowered his gaze skittishly. “I am grateful,” he insisted. “Really. I’m just—I wish you would listen to what I’m saying, instead of going off and doing things like this without my input. That’s all.”

Gradually, the smoke stream rising from Johnny’s skin eased to a halt. His face fell, twisted with guilt.

“Fine,” Johnny stated. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have posted the picture without asking you. I’m sorry about that.” He met his gaze reluctantly. “It’s just…people share photos of you all the time trying to tear you apart. I only wanted to challenge them by showing how cute and likable the real you is.”

Peter’s cheeks flushed. Cute? Likable? Was that really how Johnny saw him? But in what context? A cute and likable friend? Who the hell described their platonic companions like that? Only someone as blatantly honest as Johnny Storm, he supposed. Johnny spoke his mind without ever considering how his words might be misinterpreted or used against him. It was as admirable as it was reckless.

“And to be fair, I knew if I asked you, you would’ve said no,” Johnny added with a hesitant smile. “You’re too cautious, webhead. You’d rather let the world shit all over you than give anyone the chance to defend you and change their minds.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “Me? Cautious? You’re kidding, right? You mind running that little observation by Mr. Stark? I don’t think anyone has ever used that word to describe me.”

“All right,” Johnny corrected himself. “Scared, then. You’re too scared to let anyone stand up for you.”

Peter scoffed. “Uh—yeah?” he said, forcing a bitter laugh. “Obviously I’m scared! Scared that you’ll mangle your perfect reputation to try to save my shitty one for no reason! I’ve told you a hundred times, Johnny! It’s not worth it!”

The Human Torch scowled at him, throwing his hands in the air. “What kind of asshole do you take me for?” he retorted. “You really expect me to sit by and do nothing while people praise me in one breath and bash you in the next? That’s not how friendship works, moron! That’s not what friends do! Real friends stick up for each other no matter what!”

Peter stared at him, stunned silent, touched by his loyalty but still thoroughly annoyed. Poor, sweet Johnny was too damn sentimental for his own good. Why couldn’t he understand that Peter was just trying to protect him from meeting the same miserable fate as Spider-Man? He kneaded at his temple, trying to decide how to properly phrase this.

“I know you have the best intentions, Johnny. You’re a really good person and a really great friend. So I’m asking you, as a friend, to please let this go. Okay? For both of our sakes.”

Fresh smoke ballooned from the teen’s adorably freckled shoulders. After a moment, Johnny crossed his arms, scrunching his face into a knot of hard lines.

“You’re telling me if the roles were reversed and I was the one the world was hating on and lying about, you’d be perfectly fine holding your tongue and just letting it happen? You seriously believe that’d be the right thing to do?”

Peter grimaced, hugging himself around the middle. “N-no. Of course not. It’s just—it’s different, okay?”

“How?” Johnny shot back. “How is it different?”

Peter shrunk a little, grasping for a reply. “It—it just is.”

“Because you’re the one who’s getting fucked over? Not someone else?”

Spider-Man’s eyes went wide. “What? No, that’s not—I’m not—”

“‘Cuz if any other person was going through what you’re going through right now, that’d be wrong, right? Their friends should stick up for them? But you, on the other hand—oh, no. You can take it. You’re tough. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. It’s not worth anyone’s time. Getting crucified by the press on a daily basis for crimes you didn’t commit is just a silly little occupational hazard for Spidey and Spidey alone to deal with. Anyone who thinks otherwise should just fuck right off and mind their business. Am I understanding you correctly?”

A disquieting sensation Peter had come to know well settled in the pit of his stomach. A discomfort Johnny did a miraculously unnerving job of inflicting him with on a regular basis. The shame of having your insecurities named aloud and brought to light. The feeling of someone carving you open and pulling out your guts and peering inside you like a dissected frog.

Numb, Peter pushed past him. A wounded spider trapped between the edge of a skyscraper and an accusatory matchstick did not sound like a scenario that ended well. He could feel Johnny’s eyes boring into the back of his neck as he stopped a few paces away from him, fists clenched.

“I’m just trying to protect you,” Peter mumbled sullenly.

“And I’m trying to protect you!” Johnny shouted back. “You work so hard to protect everybody around you, but you brush off anyone who tries to return the favor. Why can’t you let someone protect you for a change?”

Peter set his jaw and shook his head. “You can protect me in other ways,” he insisted, turning to face him. “You already have. But not like this. I’m telling you; you’re not going to change their minds.”

“Not if you don’t give me the chance to try,” Johnny replied. “And not if you don’t let the world get to know the real you.” He stood his ground, eyes sharp with resolve, flames licking off the tips of his collarbones. “I don’t care if you don’t think you’re worth it, Spidey. Because I do.”

Something hot and spiky slithered through his entrails, tearing him up inside. His tongue was tacky and tasted like lead. Whiplashed with emotion, Peter sat against the ground, pinning his knees to his chest, swallowing thickly. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t look at him.

Johnny studied him in silence. His features had softened, but he still looked upset. He retracted his flames and walked over to him, kneeling by his side. They sat that way without speaking for nearly a full minute.

“You wanna know what I think?” Johnny said eventually. Peter scratched at the bandages beneath his suit, frowning at the concrete.

“Not really,” he admitted.

Johnny ignored him. “I think part of you likes the fact everyone hates you. I think you think you deserve it somehow.”

Needles pricked at his skin. Peter thought they’d reached the point in their argument where gentle, reassuring Johnny would rear his head, tell him everything was okay, and the vicious assault on his ethos would finally come to an end.

Apparently not.

“You think their hatred is some penance you have to endure for your past mistakes,” Johnny continued venomously. “Part of you believes there’s some truth to what they say when they call you monster or traitor or menace. So why stop them?” Johnny pulled a protein bar out of his pocket and tore off the shiny packaging, shrugging his shoulders as he took a big bite. “And hey, maybe it makes things easier for you. After all, you can’t disappoint people who don’t have any faith in you to begin with.”

Peter had lost his voice somewhere in the depths of his lungs. When he finally managed to find it, his words came out weak and small.

“That’s not true,” he said feebly.

Johnny raised an eyebrow at him. “Oh, yeah? Then what is the truth, Webs? ‘Cuz if you really didn’t care what others thought about you, you wouldn’t be so wigged out by the idea that maybe—just maybe—people might actually like you if you gave them the chance.”

Peter blinked, sudden tears stinging in the corners of his eyes. He was grateful Johnny couldn’t see them through his mask, but it was impossible to hide the tremble in his voice.

“I’m not scared of people liking me,” he said quietly. He gripped the sleeves of his costume in his fists and hung his head. “I mean—maybe I am. A tiny bit. But…” He released a shivery breath, throat dry, heart heavy. “I’m scared that I’ll let them get to know me, that they’ll finally start to see me as I am, but then…they still won’t like me. M-maybe they’ll just hate me even more than before.” He choked back a sob, turning to Johnny helplessly. “What then?”

Peter was surprised to find Johnny’s face red and puffy and drenched in tears, gazing back at him with the saddest, wettest eyes in the world. The sight was so unexpected, he almost laughed.

“Johnny?” Peter said, chuckling lightly. “Why are you crying?”

“Because!” Johnny sniffled, wiping at his tear-stained cheeks. “Anytime someone else starts crying, I start crying, too. It’s just how I am, okay?”

Peter giggled, crossing his arms on top of his knees. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he teased him. “I’m not crying at all. Not one bit.”

“Shut up!” Johnny laughed through his tears, punching him in the leg. “Don’t lie. You totally are.” He wrapped his arms around Peter’s bicep and laid his head on his shoulder, making the masked hero stiffen. “And in the completely impossible scenario that everyone still doesn’t like you after all this, then you’ll have me. I’ll like you. And I’ll tell all your haters they can kiss my flaming ass.”

Spider-Man tried to laugh with him, but it came out shrill and forced. He sat very still, the skin Johnny was touching feeling warm and tingly beneath the fabric of his suit. He couldn’t decide if he wanted to shove him away or lean into his embrace. The choice left him breathless and paralyzed.

“But that’s not going to happen,” the Human Torch assured him, raising his head and digging his phone out of his pocket. “My fans are going to love you. In fact, some of them already do! Look!” He held the screen up for both of them to see and scrolled through the top posts mentioning Spider-Man. “Now that I’ve endorsed you, loads of people are coming out of the woodworks to do the same. People who always supported you, but were hesitant to talk about it since you’ve always been so unpopular.” He pointed between the many different tweets, reading a few aloud. “‘I never really understood all the Spider-Man hate tbh. Dude saved my best friend from a group of muggers last year. Seems like a decent guy.’

“‘During my spring break trip to NYC, Spidey spotted me and my friends struggling to navigate SoHo and swung down just to give us directions. I think Johnny is right about him. Not very menace-like.’

“‘This is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Need more Spider-Man in Hello Kitty pajamas content ASAP @flameonf4.’”

Peter giggled lightly. “What about that one?” he said, tapping the bottom of the screen. “‘Throwing away all of my kids’ Human Torch action figures this morning. What a waste. #spidermanisamenace.’”

Johnny scowled. “Oh. Well—”

“And this one? ‘Johnny, honey, sweetheart, why are you supporting that problematic asshole? Make better decisions, baby boy.’”

“Okay, but—”

“And this! ‘The only real hero here is whoever pumped that spider freak full of lead. Next time, go for the headshot.’”

“Jesus, all right! So maybe not everyone’s convinced just yet.” Johnny dropped his phone into his lap and gave Peter’s arm a reassuring squeeze. “But they will! More of them, anyway. All you have to do is let me work my magic and know that I have your best interests at heart. Can you do that for me? Please? I promise you won’t regret it.”

Peter swallowed, every argument and protest dying on his tongue as the Human Torch gazed back at him, eager and expecting. How could he say no to that face? To that smile? To those eyes? Those ocean eyes. Those eyes like sinking ships on waters, so inviting, he almost jumped—

Oh, fuck you, Billie Eilish and Taylor Swift.

“What exactly would this agreement entail?” Peter asked nervously. “You posting more embarrassing photos of me in my pajamas?”

“First of all, that photo was not embarrassing,” Johnny insisted. “It was cute! And it won over more people than my speech on the Today Show ever could. It showed a side of Spider-Man most people have never gotten to see—you as a cute little sleepyhead breaking gender barriers with your affinity for Hello Kitty.”

Peter laughed shyly. “I don’t know if ‘cute’ is the adjective I want the general public associating with Spider-Man,” he confessed.

“Would you prefer ‘evil’ instead? Or ‘putridly deplorable’? How about ‘demonstrably dangerous and untrustworthy’?”

Peter hunched his shoulders. “Dangerous sounds kinda cool.”

“I’m trying to introduce you to the world as you are, not invent a new online personality for you. And what you are is cute, funny, and charmingly awkward, so that’s how you’ll be presented. Not cool and dangerous. That’s my job.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “More like brutally honest and bossy.”

Johnny snickered. “How do you want the world to see you, then? How would you like to rebrand yourself to the citizens of NYC?”

Peter thought on it for a moment, scraping his heels against the gritty concrete rooftop, gazing across the jagged sea of buildings as they curved into the horizon.

“Just…someone they can depend on. Someone who’s here to help.” He met his eye with a hesitant smile. “You know…friendly neighborhood Spider-Man and all that.”

Johnny mirrored his grin, clapping him on the back. “Then friendly neighborhood Spider-Man it is.” He poked him in the cheek with his finger. “But also cute and funny and awkward Spider-Man, ‘cuz you’re gonna continue being that no matter what.”

Peter swatted his hand away with a giggle. “What’s your plan for all this? What are you expecting me to do that’ll somehow make people hate me less?”

Johnny hopped to his feet with his phone in his hands, tapping at the screen with his back facing Peter. “You, my darling, spidery compadre, are tasked with the perilous endeavor of simply being yourself. Leave everything else to me.”

Peter frowned. “Yeah, that’s not reassuring at all.”

“You trust me, right?” Johnny asked, glancing at him over his shoulder. Peter chuckled lightly, scrunching up his nose.

“To a certain extent,” he conceded.

Johnny cracked a smile. “Do you trust that I’d never do anything to intentionally cause you harm?”

Peter gripped his knees a little tighter, cheeks warm and heart weightless. He rested his chin on top of his arms and stared at his feet.

“Yes,” he decided. “When we first met—no. You wanted to fry me like a tater tot. But now I do.”

Johnny nodded. “Good.” Then he held up his phone like he was taking a selfie. “‘Cuz it’s time to start phase two of my plan.”

Peter blinked obliviously. “Which means…?”

“Going live with you on TikTok, of course.” He faced the camera away from Peter and waved into the lens. “Hey guys! I know I haven’t done this in a while, but today felt like a very livestream-worthy Friday after all of the drama that went down, and I wanted to clear a few things up.”

Peter rolled his eyes, not buying his bit in the slightest. “Ha-ha, very funny,” he deadpanned. He pulled his own phone out of his backpack to check his notifications, and felt his body take a screenshot when he spotted the most recent ping.

flameonf4 is live on TikTok! - 1m ago

“What?” Peter yelped, flying to his feet. He turned towards Johnny sharply. “Wait—you’re actually—?”

“First of all,” Johnny carried on, flashing the camera one of his irresistibly winning smiles, “yes, Spider-Man and I actually know each other, and yes, we're actually friends. I wouldn’t make shit up like that just for funsies.” A sparkle entered the teen hero’s eye. “In fact, Spidey and I are actually hanging out right now. See?” He spun on his heels so both he and Spider-Man were in frame, grinning exuberantly. “Say hi, webhead!”

Peter tensed in alarm, startled bashfulness seizing his throat. “Oh,” he stuttered, shrinking into himself a little. This was not where he’d anticipated this conversation going. He scratched at his neck and gave a small wave, feeling nervous and a tad bit silly. “Um…hi?”

Johnny cackled. “Don’t mind him; he can get a little camera shy. Poor guy. You know how it is.”

Peter reddened. Spider-Man had never really done any interviews or press junkets or things like this before. It wasn’t his style. He preferred sticking to actual superhero stuff and steering clear of the controversy constantly hanging over his name. He’d tried to film a few promotional videos for F.E.A.S.T. after May shoved a script into his hands and dragged him in front of a green screen, but every take was so stale and robotic, they abandoned the entire project and just made cardboard cutouts of the wallcrawler with encouraging speech bubbles above his head. Peter had always been anxious about putting himself out there in that way—worried he might accidentally reveal something that could jeopardize his secret identity. The closest thing he’d ever done to anything like this was filming those little video diaries he used to make back when he’d been recruited by Stark to fight Steve Rogers in Germany. But he’d never shown them to anyone except Ned.

Unfortunately for him, keeping a low profile wasn’t going so hot for his reputation. If he really wanted the people of New York to trust him, it was clear he had to be a little more accessible; follow Johnny’s example. Not to a ‘T,’ but enough that there was content out there featuring him other than smear ads made exclusively by underpaid Bugle interns.

He had very little faith that any of this would make anyone hate him less. But he’d never know if he didn’t try.

So, Peter took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, stood up straight, and painted on his best, most confident, totally-not-freaking-out face.

“I am not camera-shy,” he lied, clearing his throat as he inched a couple steps closer to the screen. “You just...y'know! Caught me off guard! I didn’t know we were doing this. I would’ve prepped some jokes, polished my eye lenses, maybe taken a rain check on that half a gallon of pasta I ate before squeezing into this suit and introducing myself to millions of your fans.”

Johnny giggled, which helped ground him a bit. “There’s only about six thousand people watching at the moment,” he corrected him. “Not millions. But it’s climbing by the second.” Johnny bopped him on the nose in that obnoxiously patronizing way he always did. “And don’t worry; you look great.”

“Still,” Peter pouted. He turned to address the phone camera. “Did you all know how amazing he is at cooking? ‘Cuz I sure didn’t. Ever since his team’s been staying at Avengers Tower, he keeps waking up at, like, 4 a.m. every morning and making all this fancy food that I have no choice but to stuff my face with ‘cuz it’s so damn good, and I absolutely hate him for it.”

Johnny scoffed. “For the record, if you all couldn’t tell, Spider-Man is a scrawny little beanpole who could absolutely stand to gain a few pounds.” Johnny made a grab for his rib cage, grinning mischievously, but Peter anticipated the attack and jerked away from his pinching fingers.

“Hey!” Peter exclaimed, hugging himself around the middle. Johnny laughed brightly.

“I mean, look at you! You can count all twenty-four of your ribs clear through your suit! How do you not break into pieces getting tossed around by bad guys all the time? I’m just trying to put a little meat on your bones.”

Peter gave him a playful shove. “Not all of us can be beefcake Speedo models eating eight thousand grams of protein per meal, Torchy.”

The two of them cackled together, and for an instant, Peter forgot about the livestream and the thousands of people watching. Right now, it was just the pair of them bickering and being idiots as usual.

“There’s, like, a ton of questions piling in for you, by the way,” Johnny noted. He scrolled through the exponentially growing list of comments. “A lot of people are asking for you to prove you’re the real Spider-Man.”

Peter tilted his head to the side and tapped his chin with his thumb. “Huh. How do I do that?”

“I don’t know. Climb a wall? Shoot some webs?” Johnny’s face lit up. “Ooh! Do a flip! People love flips.”

Peter snickered. “If you say so,” he said. He retreated a few paces away from Johnny and executed a clean and simple backflip, striking a little pose as he stuck the landing. Johnny snapped his fingers in applause as Spider-Man offered the camera a bow. He smiled, straightening his spine, then doubled over again with a hiss, gripping his side in his hands.

“What’s wrong?” Johnny asked. Then his eyes flashed wide. “Oh shit! Your bullet wound! I completely forgot!”

“M-me too,” Peter grated out, groaning at the ground. “Shit. Shouldn’t have done that. Really bad idea. Uugh…”

“Sorry, Webs,” Johnny chuckled reluctantly. He faced the camera, blowing a tuft of hair out of his eyes. “For those of you who aren’t aware, Spidey got shot yesterday by a bunch of slimy Russian-sounding assholes who were trying to kidnap some kiddos. We stopped them, but they really did a number on our friendly neighborhood webhead.” Johnny leered into the lens, summoning fire to his fingers. “So if any of you douchebags are watching this—especially that crooked bastard Wilson Fisk—please know you’ve made enemies for life, and we’re coming for your entire evil operation.”

Sudden panic slugged Peter in the gut. With a gasp, he lunged forward, reaching around Johnny’s head from behind and clamping both palms over the Human Torch’s mouth.

“Shh! Johnny!” he cried in alarm. “You can’t say that on here!”

Johnny sputtered muffled curses into his hands, clawing at Peter’s wrists until his lips were free. “Blech! Dude! Get your sticky spider fingers off my mouth! Yuck!” He knocked his shoulder against his chest with a sly grin. “And don’t shush me! I’ll bash that guy as much as I want! He’s the reason you nearly died yesterday.” To Peter's horror, Johnny jabbed his index finger into his phone’s camera and added: “Which is why you absolutely should not vote for him to be mayor of New York. If you’re a true fan of mine, pick another candidate. Literally anyone else. Don’t let him win. Dude sucks majorly.”

Frantic, Peter shot a web-line from his wrist and ripped the phone right out Johnny’s hands, covering the microphone with his thumb.

“Hey!” Johnny cried, whirling on him. “What the hell was that for?”

“Listen to me!” Peter sputtered desperately. “You cannot talk shit about Fisk on here or in interviews or anywhere else! It’s too dangerous! Fisk does not mess around with these kinds of things. He doesn’t care who you are. He’ll send people after you. I’ve seen him do it. He’ll kill you to keep you silent, or worse.”

Johnny scoffed, placing his hands on his hips. “If Fisk is truly as horrible as you’re making him out to be, we can’t just sit by and let him become mayor! Someone that corrupt needs to be exposed and imprisoned, not raking in donations on his campaign trail for the most powerful political office in the city!”

“I know!” Peter insisted. “And I promise I’m going to stop him. We’re going to stop him. But we have to be smart about it, all right? You don’t know what he’s capable of.”

Johnny glowered, snatching his phone back. “You’re no fun,” he grumbled. Peter winced slightly. Johnny had no comprehension of the bear he was currently poking. He had to make sure he didn’t pull anything like that ever again. He never should've mentioned Fisk to him in the first place.

Johnny combed his fingers through his hair, cracked his neck, then grinned back into the camera. “Sorry about that—technical difficulties. Where were we again? Oh, that’s right: I had a very important mission to charge all of you with—my friends, my fans, and anyone else who sees this.”

Johnny swiveled so that both he and Peter were in frame again. “Spidey here doesn’t believe there’s any point in trying to convince you guys he’s not actually the evil menace that news outlets and Internet blogs and the Bugle claim him to be. He thinks his image has been so thoroughly raked through the mud, there’s no chance the people of this city will ever stop hating him. He’s accepted that despite all of the good he does for the world and how much he sacrifices to protect others, he will always be seen as a villain.”

Red-hot blush roared across Peter’s skin. Rarely did Spider-Man ever find himself speechless, but Johnny always managed to rattle every thought from his skull with his chaotic and spontaneous way with words. He let out a laugh, clumsy and incredulous, kneading his fingers into his upper arm as he glanced between Johnny and the phone screen.

“It’s, um—it’s really not that serious, guys,” Peter tried to add meekly. He nudged the Human Torch in the back. “Johnny, you don’t have to—”

“You see what I’m dealing with?” Johnny huffed, gesturing to Peter aggressively. “Poor little Spider-Man’s self-esteem is shot thanks to J. Jonah Jameson and the Bugle and all the other media channels who’ve been bullying him nonstop for the past two years. It’s heartbreaking! Maybe he’s okay with things continuing on this way, but I’m not. Both Spidey and the people of this city deserve to know the truth.”

Johnny laid his palm against his chest with a gentle smile, skin glowing in the summer sun. “So this is my call to action: I’m challenging all of you out there who have been personally saved or helped by Spider-Man to share your stories with the world. No wild fabrications you saw online, no outlandish gossip you heard through the rumor mill. Only experiences that you yourself or someone you’re close to went through where the webhead was involved. Any photos or videos to back up your testimonies would be awesome as well. Let’s flood social media with real stories about Spider-Man to drown out the haters and give our friendly neighborhood hero the love he deserves.”

Reactions and comments began pouring in like crazy, blocking out half the screen. The number of viewers had jumped from 6K to well over thirty thousand. Peter's insides felt queasy yet warm. No one had ever vouched for his character to this degree before. No one had ever fought so hard on his behalf for the entire world to see. Even if it didn’t change a single person’s mind, he’d never stop appreciating him for trying. Even though their friendship would never grow into something more, he found himself falling for him harder than ever before. He didn’t think that was possible.

“Sound good?” Johnny asked the viewers cheerfully. Peter studied his face intently, followed the sharp line of his jaw with his eyes. His feelings for him were dancing circles around his head, practically oozing out of his skin.

What if he figured it out?

What if everyone figured it out?

“What are all of you jabbering on about now?” Johnny continued with a chuckle, holding the screen close to his face. “‘Johnny’s amazing, Johnny’s the best, thank you very much, blah blah blah…” His eyebrows stitched together as his lips arched into a frown. “Wait—‘Spidey’s hurt’? ‘Spider-Man’s bleeding’?” He jerked his head towards Peter. “Why are you saying—wah! Shit! They’re right, Webs! Your wound!”

Peter blinked, gaze dropping to his torso. He was surprised to find the left side of his abdomen stained and sticky and soaked through with blood once again.

“Oh,” Peter said, poking at the dark spot, his fingers coming away wet. “Whoopsies. Guess I really did pop my stitches with that backflip, huh?” The masked hero gave an awkward laugh. What he thought were butterflies fluttering inside him were actually just talons of pain probing the flesh beneath his rib cage.

“Dammit. My fault. Let’s get you back to the med bay.” With a sharpened sense of urgency, Johnny threw a wave to his fans on the livestream. “Thanks for the heads up, folks! I gotta take this guy to get cleaned up. Don’t forget your assignment! I wanna hear all your Spidey stories. And be sure to tag me! Love you!”

After peppering the camera with kisses, Johnny ended the live and hurried to Peter’s side, looping an arm around his midsection. “Sorry, webhead. Come on—let’s go find Tony. I’ll take the blame for this one.”

Johnny’s hand was strong and steadying where it held him at the waist. Peter cupped his palm against his injury, grasping for the right words to fully encapsulate his gratitude.

“Thank you, Johnny,” he said quietly. He met his gaze and bit the inside of his cheek. “You’re, um…you’re a really good friend.”

A soft blush dusted across Johnny’s freckled face. Today he smelled like salty sweat mixed with the fading aroma of whatever cologne he’d put on this morning. The scent reminded Peter of cherry blossoms, as did the pink color tinting his cheeks and ears. Then there was that other smell—the one Johnny’s skin seemed to breathe—lingering beneath it all. The thing Peter couldn’t put a name to, but made him want to sniff him like an overpriced Bath & Body Works candle. Part of him hoped he never figured out its true origin. In his mind, it was Johnny’s smell; not perfume, not some fancy organic moisturizer from Morocco only celebrities like the Human Torch could afford. It was just him. Him and him alone.

He wondered what he smelled like. Probably dollar store shower gel and swampy armpits.

“Don’t sweat it,” Johnny assured him, sounding a little shy. He gave his torso a squeeze. “I told you I had a plan, didn’t I?”

“I don’t think anyone’s ever done something like that for me,” Peter admitted.

To his surprise, the blush in Johnny’s cheeks spread down to his chest and across both collarbones, ultimately spanning over half of his upper body. His skin was practically glowing pink. The Human Torch laughed sheepishly, avoiding his gaze, and Peter half expected him to burst into flame.

“Well—they should’ve,” Johnny said eventually, voice cracking slightly. “You deserve it.”

Peter hinted a smile. “Your hair is smoking,” he observed.

“What?” Johnny squeaked, clawing wildly at his scalp. “No it’s not!”

Spider-Man broke into a laugh, then hugged his aching wound with a grimace. “It’s cute how your fire powers respond to whatever you’re feeling,” he said.

Johnny exhaled sourly, crossing his arms and narrowing his eyes. “Oh yeah?” he said, feigning smugness. “And what exactly are you assuming I’m feeling right now?”

A small chill shivered down the young hero's spine. Peter knew what he wanted him to be feeling right now. The same as me, his heart implored. Crushing head-over-heels like a helpless little schoolgirl.

But he knew he was kidding himself. Johnny was Johnny. And he was…well, himself. Nothing. Nobody.

“Like you just tanked your credibility even further by featuring me on your page,” he chuckled. But the words tumbled hollowly off his tongue.

Johnny rolled his eyes. “For fuck’s sake, Webs. Enough with the self deprecation already.” His face lifted into a smile, beaming with blinding confidence. “Just you wait. Soon the world won’t be able to get enough of you. You’ll see.”

Peter eyed the phone in Johnny's hand. “You really think this’ll work?” he said, hunching his shoulders timidly. “What if people only have bad stories to share about me?”

“It’ll work,” Johnny insisted, patting him on the back. “You’ve helped too many people for it not to work. And if it doesn’t, don’t worry; I’ve got plenty more tricks up my sleeve. This is only phase 2 of a very extensive and highly sophisticated marketing strategy, my friend. We’ve barely even scratched the surface. The real fun is still to come; I can promise you that.”

Peter chuckled, wrinkling his nose. “Wonderful. I couldn’t be more terrified.”

Without warning, Johnny bent down and scooped Peter right off the rooftop and into his arms, making the masked vigilante squeal in surprise. He flailed a little on reflex, unintentionally catching himself with a hand against Johnny's shirtless chest.

“Johnny!” Peter exclaimed, startled, squeaky giggles spilling from his lips. “W-what are you doing?”

“You can’t get down from here without climbing or jumping or exerting yourself in some other way that could tear your stitches even more,” Johnny explained, smirking triumphantly. “Guess I’ll just have to carry your helpless little spider butt all the way to the medical bay—again. Darn. What a bummer. Oh well. If I must.”

“Just fly me down to the balcony,” Peter stammered skittishly, biting back a smile. Johnny’s heart beat faintly against his fingertips, quickening his own pulse to a frenetic, fluttering thing. “I can, y'know. Walk from there.”

Johnny shrugged. “Nah. Your safety is my number one priority. This guarantees you making it to Stark without injuring yourself further. You clearly can’t be trusted with your own well-being.” The Human Torch lit the parts of himself that weren’t touching Peter on fire and lifted the pair of them off the ground. “Besides. Carrying a shrimpy little superhero like yourself is the perfect cool down for my workout today.”

Peter blushed, hyper-aware of every inch of Johnny's skin that was flush with his own, every rock-solid muscle supporting his narrow frame. He crossed his arms firmly against his chest.

“Eat shit,” he laughed, voice nervous and shrill. “You know I could lift you over my head and chuck you like a tennis ball if I felt like it.”

Johnny’s eyes twinkled. “Ooh. I want to be chucked! Okay, how about this: you let me carry you to the med bay now, and once you’re fully healed, you can pick me up and chuck me around with your crazy super strength as much as you like. Deal?”

Peter giggled some more, feeling silly and bashful and overwhelmed by his closeness. But equally happy and safe. He smiled up at him with a sigh.

“Fine. Deal.”

As Johnny toted him inside Avengers Tower, teasing him relentlessly as he always did, calling him his favorite little damsel, his pretty little princess, Peter’s heart refused to settle. The flush in cheeks only grew more intense with every second longer Johnny held him in his arms. It was clear these feelings were not going away. They were only getting worse. Keeping them hidden was beginning to feel like swimming against the current of a raging river with a deadly waterfall looming in the distance—something he could battle through and fight with every ounce of his willpower, but inevitably ended with him barreling headfirst down the unforgiving drop.

Why was he like this? Why couldn’t he just be happy being friends with him? Why did his greedy little heart have to demand more?

Whenever he thought he was doing a pretty decent job keeping this crush under wraps, Johnny had to go and pull something like this: advocating for him to the entire world, cradling him like something precious and fragile, then assaulting him with his playful words and that hypnotizingly beautiful smile.

At this point, Peter wasn’t just hiding his feelings from Johnny. Now, he hiding them from him along with the millions of people who followed him online. Not to mention, Mr. Stark, Susan Storm, and all the rest of their teammates.

As his eyes danced across the lovely contours of Johnny’s face, Peter swallowed, a monstrous dread rising inside him.

Oh, I’m in trouble.

#spider-man #spideytorch #peter parker x johnny storm #peter parker #spiderman fanfiction #johnny storm #my writing #bi peter parker #fantastic 4 #fantastic four #enemies to lovers #irondad #lots of taylor swift references in honor of eras tour

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cosmicjoke · 3 years

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No Regrets: Chapter by Chapter Analysis:

1. Preface to my analysis

Okay, so, since I’ve reached the end of every published volume of SnK so far, and have to wait until October to read the last volume, I thought I’d re-read “No Regrets” and delve into some analyzation of this story, chapter by chapter.

One thing I want to start out by saying, before I get into the details, is that I think “No Regrets” is a vital demonstration of how Levi has always cared about people, and always fought for them.

One misrepresentation I sometimes see regarding Levi’s and Erwin’s relationship is when people claim that Erwin was the one to teach Levi to fight for something bigger than himself, or to fight for others. The thing is, “No Regrets” clearly demonstrates that Levi already had a strong foundation of caring for others, and fighting for others, before Erwin himself ever had any major influence over him, and I plan on getting into all the examples of that within the story and breaking them down.

First, though, there’s an important quote from Isayama from the joint interview he did with the artist for “No Regrets”, Hikaru Sugura, in which he says about Levi, in response to the question of how he pictured Levi’s internal feelings of going from a “thug” to a “soldier”, “It’s that he found a place to make the most of what he could do, or rather, his own special abilities. Underground, where it was all he could do to stay alive, he had to live for that, but then he started to form relationships and began to feel that he could do things for others. And that’s why he first went above ground...”

This is a hugely important quote from Isayama, because he flat out says that, even before Levi came to the surface, he’d already formed bonds with people, and already began to feel like there was something bigger than himself that he could fight for, that he could “do for others”. Isayama also says here that Underground, “It was all he could do to stay alive”, which signifies with great clarity the struggle someone would have, even someone with Levi’s great strength, of surviving and making it from one day to the next in a place like the Underground. So, for Levi, it must have already been a terrible burden, simply trying to take care of himself, and live for himself. But then he meets Furlan and Isabel, and he becomes friends with them, and despite the doubtless added burden to his own existence of having two other people relying so heavily on him for their own survival, he takes that burden onto himself, and does so with willingness and responsibility. Isayama says that “It’s that he found a place to make the most of what he could do, or rather, his own special abilities.”. Erwin didn’t instill in Levi a sense of responsibility for others, or the idea of fighting for someone other than himself. Levi already had that, had already DONE that. What Erwin did for Levi was show him the path towards maximizing the impact he could have, showing him how he could use his abilities to help the MOST number of people, not just a few people. Erwin showed Levi that he could have a significant impact on the world, that he could fight for actual, positive change for all people. Another important part of that quote from Isayama is when he says “And that’s why he first went above ground...”, because it tells us what Levi’s initial drive and intention for going to the surface was, and that was to help give Isabel and Furlan a better life. He trusted in Furlan’s plans, and went along with them, because it was what Furlan and Isabel had both expressed to Levi that they wanted to do and to have. Even here, Levi is fighting for the dreams of others.

I’ve recently read the visual novel of “No Regrets”, and while it had some good parts, it also very much underdeveloped and even at times outright misinterpreted Levi’s character in some really key ways, casting him as someone so hell bent on getting revenge on Erwin, that he is blinded to the safety of Isabel and Furlan, pressing on with his plans to kill Erwin at their expense. The worst part about this, I thought, was how it reduced the pivotal moment in which Levi chooses to go after Erwin and leave Furlan and Isabel behind to an impulsive, snap decision, in which Levi puts no thought or real consideration into it. He doesn’t struggle at all in choosing how he does, doesn’t agonize over what he thinks is the right choice, because in that moment, there isn’t even the consideration of another option, he isn’t even making a choice, really, just reacting, which entirely defeats the purpose of Levi’s character motif throughout the main series, which is that he can never know for sure what decision is the right one until after he chooses, but that he has to try and make one he feels is right, and that no matter what, he can’t allow himself to dwell on it with regret afterwards. This gets corrected in the manga big time, as do several other instances of Levi’s characterization, and I’m going to go over it in more detail when I get to that final chapter. But the choice Levi makes in the manga is much, much more nuanced, considered, and multifaceted. Here, he had laid out in his head two, distinct options, and he weighs and balances them against one another in a high pressure situation, before deciding on the one he thinks is best. He doesn’t just leave his friends, thinking only of Erwin and revenge. He’s thinking of ALL of them, and of every factor leading up to that point, and that struggle for Levi is what ends up having the affect of ultimately forming his later philosophy of never allowing himself certainty in anything, but also allowing himself leniency in whatever he chooses, knowing that he can’t be so hard on himself for the outcome, whatever it may be, that he isn’t able to move on from it, or use it to keep pushing forward and learn, so that he can do better next time. It’s important that Levi’s choice in “No Regrets” is actually presented as one made with his full consciousness, one that was a fully thought out one on his part, which is why I really disliked the way it was portrayed in the visual novel, and why I’m glad they corrected it in the manga, which is the canonically accepted version of the story either way. Because it’s a vital moment in Levi’s character development, with him learning that even when he tries his best to choose right, even when he considers every factor and every, conceivable outcome, even when he does what he thinks, in the moment, is best, it won’t always turn out that way, it won’t always turn out good, or favorably. He won’t always win. He won’t always be able to save everyone. It’s a huge moment of character growth for Levi, who makes a well thought out and considered decision, and it still results in his two, best friends getting killed. It teaches Levi that he can never have full control of any situation, no matter how hard he tries, and that, in turn, gives Levi a kind of freedom in simple acceptance. It lifts a burden from his shoulders, even as he experiences enormous grief and loss.

Anyway, I’m going to be reading the first chapter of “No Regrets” later tonight, and will give my more detailed observations in a separate post. Thanks for reading, as always guys!

2. Chapter 1: The Wings of Freedom

Okay, so here we go! Chapter 1 of “No Regrets”!

There’s a few things I want to point out about this chapter, because both visually and textually, we get a lot of information about the Underground and Levi, and his relationship with Isabel and Furlan. So I’ll just go through it.

The first thing that really caught my attention for this chapter was the opening page, which is a retrospective shot of Levi after he’s joined the SC, thinking about how he can’t ever know what the results of his choices are going to be. He says here “I trusted in my own strength... I trusted in the decisions of comrades who had earned my faith...” And this quote from Levi is really important in later understanding why he makes the choice he does, at the end. He says he trusted in the decisions of comrades who had earned his faith, and that tells us that Levi believes in Furlan and Isabel, that he believes in their strength and their capability, that he believes in them enough to let them choose for themselves and trust in their judgement. We’ll obviously delve more into this as it becomes more relevant to the story. But moving on...

The next thing to catch my attention is the panels of the Underground we see. These are probably the best shots of this place we get in the whole series, as it really depicts a place that is totally run down and dilapidated, with buildings falling apart and crumbling in disrepair, filth ridden streets with literal sewage water coming out of drain pipes, and a actual cave cover overhead, complete with stalactites, blocking out all sunlight except for few and far between pockets which break through holes in the rock ceiling. The most telling panels though are the ones which depict the violence and poverty of the place. We see a panel of a homeless man passed out on the street, painfully thin looking, and under him, two men in a fight, one beating the other violently. And the next panel shows us a little girl, sitting barefoot on the ground between two men who have just blown each other’s brains out with guns. Truly, this is a violent, dark, poverty-stricken place that breeds crime and depravation. The pages before this say that BECAUSE of the splendor of the Capital city above the Underground, this place exists, and that’s accurate. Because of the excesses and decadence of the rich and well off above these people rejected by society, that means fewer resources for the less fortunate. It’s truly tragic.

Alright, now I just want to move on to some small, but telling moments here while Levi and the others are being chased by Erwin and his crew.

When Isabel is bragging about how the MP’s never learn, referring to how they’ll never be able to catch their gang, she asks Levi if what she said was cool. Levi tells her “Don’t be stupid.” This might seem like Levi just blowing her off, but the way I read it, it seems more to me like Levi is warning her not to be cocky, not to be over confident, because that’s the kind of thing that can get you killed, or caught. Big Bro indeed! We also see how mindful Levi is here as a leader, when he tells them they can’t afford to lead the soldiers following them straight to their hideout, and clearly they have a plan in place for just this sort of thing.

More importantly, Levi is fast to realize these aren’t ordinary soldiers after them, which shows his great instincts, but what’s really interesting is his internal thoughts here. His logic is telling him regular MP’s wouldn’t work this hard to catch them, and that their skill with the ODM means they must be SC. But Levi doesn’t really believe it which, given what we later find out about the deal with Lobov, and Lobov warning them of Erwin’s plans, tells us that Levi never really believed the SC would come after them. He’s clearly surprised here.

Further, after informing Isabel and Furlan and confirming his suspicions, he tells Furlan that he’s got no intention of getting mixed up with “these guys”. This tells us Levi never wanted to go through with Furlan’s plans, never wanted to join the SC, never wanted anything to do with any of it. There’s further evidenced in this very chapter, which I’ll get to in a moment. But it tells us a lot about the dubious feelings Levi had from the start, and how he probably would have simply been happiest to stay in the Underground with his friends, even though it was a hard life.

Alright, so, this next part is a big deal, and it’s an overlooked detail which speaks volumes about the kind of person Levi is. I didn’t even notice this the first time I read it, so I want to talk about it. Levi separates from Isabel and Furlan, and takes Erwin and Mike on a wild chase through the back alley’s and narrow passages of the slums. He really tries to give them the run around here, until he flips over a door, into another area. What’s really important here is Levi’s dialog. He says first “... Lost ‘em, huh?” And then he says, “That got a little crazy... I hope... none of them crashed.” This is kind of amazing. Levi is showing actual concern for the two soldiers who’d just attempted to catch him and his friends, who were doggedly pursuing them with obviously bad intentions of some kind. And Levi, after having to resort to some serious ODM skills to shake them, says he hopes that none of them crashed. He doesn’t want Erwin or Mike to get hurt, he just wants to get away from them. Considering he doesn’t know either of them at this point, they’re just nameless, faceless military dogs trying to mess things up for him, that shows remarkable character.

Of course, things go downhill from there, when Mike crashes through the door and tackles him. All bets are off then, because Levi’s life is now in danger, and when that happens, he’ll resort to physical force. Still, he only throws Mike off of him and once again attempts to get away, only for it to be Erwin who swoops down and cuts Levi’s cables. This was actually really dangerous. Given Levi’s momentum and position, he crashes hard into a nearby wall before falling to the ground. So we already see some of that ruthlessness from Erwin here. Of course, that spurs Levi into violence himself. I have no doubt that when Levi lunges for Erwin and knocks his blade away, bringing his knife to his neck, he truly intended to kill him in that moment. Levi’s compassion for these soldiers can only go so far, considering the desperation of his own circumstances. If Mike hadn’t been there to stop it, I think Levi probably would have ripped Erwin’s jugular right out, and that would have been that, lol. And then, it’s important to note too WHY Levi stops. Not because Mike was able to physically restrain him, but because he tells Levi to look around himself, directing his attention to the fact that Furlan and Isabel have been caught. That immediately stays Levi’s hand, and once again, we’re shown how Levi puts the wellbeing of his friends above himself. He could have ditched Furlan and Isabel right then and there and escaped on his own. Instead, he allows himself to be restrained and cuffed. He refuses to abandon them.

Now the next scene is hugely important to a lot of stuff.

Erwin’s got Levi and his friends down on their knees, in the sewage, questioning them about their ODM skills, and the three of them stay silent, obviously defiant. We really get a good look at Erwin’s abilities as a manipulator here.

He’s pulling the whole good cop/bad cop routine on Levi, when he tells him “I’d like to avoid any rough treatment if I can” before looking to Mike in a clear signal for Mike to pretty damn violently tear Levi’s head back by his hair before smashing his face into the sewage on the ground. And this really IS sewage. It’s not mud. If you look at the panels, we see this brown muck coming out of drain pips attached to the surrounding buildings. This water is probably, literally, dirty with feces, and Erwin has Mike put Levi’s face in this and hold it there. Now let’s remember something important about Levi. He’s a clean freak. He obviously cares deeply about keeping both himself and his environment clean. Erwin couldn’t know this about him at the time, but nobody of course would be happy about having their face shoved into literal shit. But for Levi, I can only imagine this had to be tantamount to a kind of torture. Erwin keeps questioning him, looking down at him without any kind of emotion, and Levi remains stubbornly silent, despite how awful this must truly be for him. We get a close up of Levi’s eye in one of the panels, paralleled with Erwin’s own, and Levi’s expression really strikes me as one of awful humiliation. He goes from looking up at Erwin in rage, to looking away, staring straight ahead, while Erwin keeps looking down at him.

Still, Levi says nothing, and it’s Isabel who finally cracks, telling Erwin that they didn’t learn to use ODM from anyone, with Furlan further explaining that they taught themselves as a means of survival. He remarks that “anyone who doesn’t know what sewage tastes like couldn’t understand!”. Clearly, both of them are really upset to see this being done to Levi, and I have to imagine it’s at least in part because they know how awful an experience this has to be for him, given that they know how much he desires to stay clean. Their shocked expressions when Mike first pushes Levi’s face into the sewage says as much too.

But still, Levi remains silent as Erwin then demands to know Levi’s name. What Mike does to Levi in the next panel is even worse. He pushes his face into the sewage and holds him there until Levi literally starts to choke in it, for long enough that, when he finally does pull him up, Levi is gasping for breath. I really don’t see people talk enough about this scene, but, well...

It’s a torture scene. Erwin is ordering Mike to torture Levi here. It may not be the most extreme form of torture, it isn’t the type of physical violence we typically think of when we think of torture, but that’s what it is. It’s causing Levi both physical and mental degradation, as well as physical distress.

Even with this though, Levi’s still silent and refuses to answer Erwin at all.

It’s only when Erwin literally threatens the lives of Furlan and Isabel that he finally talks. This is such an important detail. Levi was willing to take what to him must have been truly horrific treatment, but as soon as Erwin gives the signal to the other two Scouts who have hold of his friends, we see Levi’s expression shift from defiant rage to wide eyed fear as they put their blades to Furlan’s and Isabel’s throats.

Finally Levi talks, calling Erwin a “bastard”, to which Erwin simply asks him again what his name is, and after a slight hesitation, Levi finally gives it.

I think this entire scene is vital in understanding WHY Levi was so violently pissed at Erwin, to the point of wanting to kill him.

I think it’s a combination of both the humiliation and torture he puts Levi through here, and, worse still, the fact that he threatens Isabel and Furlan’s lives. Levi already feels looked down upon by Erwin here, he already feels humiliated and embarrassed and as though he’s being treated like he’s worthless, because Erwin IS treating him like that here. All while Erwin stands there, expressionless, making statements like he doesn’t want to have to use any rough treatment, etc... while at the same time ordering Mike to do just that. Already, Erwin is sending Levi the message that he’s a liar and a manipulator who thinks nothing of putting another human being’s face in shit. And then, to top that off, he shows Levi that he’s willing to hurt, maybe even kill, his two friends to get what he wants.

Is it any wonder Levi hated Erwin as much as he did at the beginning? After a lifetime in the Underground where, from the time of his birth, he had to deal with him and those he cares about being treated like worthless trash. It would be a miracle if Levi DIDN’T want to kill Erwin at this point. To have to then submit to him willingly, after all of that, must have been beyond humiliating for him.

Erwin continues to be manipulative here too, when after Levi gives his name, Erwin’s attitude suddenly shifts, and he smiles at Levi and gets down on one knee with him, in the filth, his entire demeanor seeming to shift into an abruptly friendly one as he offers his deal to Levi. Again, that whole good cop/bad cop thing. At the same time, he continues to threaten Levi by telling him if he refuses his offer, he’ll hand them all over to the MP’s and that, given their crimes, they shouldn’t expect to be treated with any kind of decency. What’s kind of funny about this statement from Erwin is that up until now, Erwin and Mike have done anything but treat Levi decently.

Okay, one more important point to make about this chapter, and it goes back to what I said earlier about Levi not wanting anything to do with the SC, and how that tells us Levi really didn’t want to go through with Furlan’s plans.

After Erwin makes his offer, we see Levi look over at Furlan, who’s giving him an intent look, and in the next panel, we see an almost surprised, or astonished look on Levi’s face, like he can’t believe Furlan is asking him to do this, before he grits his teeth in obvious frustration, and then accepts Erwin’s offer to join the SC. What this tells us is that Levi only takes Erwin’s offer because Furlan wanted him to. Because this was all part of Furlan’s plan, to go through with Lobov’s commission, to get caught by the SC, etc... It’s clear Levi never wanted this, and he’s upset at having to do it. But the fact he agrees after looking over at Furlan and seeing him implore Levi with his eyes tells us, once again, that Levi is willing to sacrifice his own desires for the desires of others. That being his two friends.

For them, he’ll join the Survey Corps, even as every one of his instincts is probably screaming at him that this is a bad idea.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the first chapter of “No Regrets”. There’s a lot more to unpack in this manga than I think people realize. I hope whoever took the time to read my long ass post found it at least a little worth while. I’ll be moving on to chapter two next!

3. Chapter 2: One Arrow

Alright, so onto chapter 2 of “No Regrets”.

I want to talk a little about these opening panels, when Levi, Furlan and Isabel are being driven to HQ by carriage. They seem unimportant, but I think they’re actually really important in understanding Levi’s psychology going into this new situation they’re all in.

We see the interior of the carriage, with Levi and the other two, along with an escort from the SC. Furlan and Isabel are both looking out the window of the carriage, and in particular, Isabel seems incredibly excited and in awe of the passing view. She’s stood up, with her face pressed to the window. And in the next panel, we see her looking at a little girl with her mother, dressed nicely and holding a doll. This really encapsulates everything Isabel herself has probably never had. A reliable mother to take care of her, fancy clothes and toys to play with. Essentially, an actual childhood. We see Isabel’s face in the window, and her mouth is open in wonder, her eyes wide. Like she can’t believe what she’s seeing. It emphasizes the depravation and lack of privilege she’s endured all her life. Meanwhile, by contrast, Levi sits there with his head bowed down, ignoring the passing scenery, looking deeply unhappy, even depressed. When he does look up though, he sees Isabel looking out the window, and on the close up shot of him, he’s got an almost thoughtful expression, if still extremely dour. No doubt, Levi is feeling uneasy and uncertain about the situation they’ve all gotten themselves into here, but I’m also sure that he’s unable to ignore the bubbling over excitement of Isabel, her obvious joy in being, at last, on the surface. I’ll get more into this later in the post, when we see Levi really considering his friends and their dreams, and how it influences and dictates his own decisions.

But first lets talk a little about Erwin and his role in all of this.

Now at the time this series came out, Erwin’s actual, motivating reasons for doing what he does weren’t yet known, so it’s interesting to read into his actions in this story with that context. I have no doubt that Erwin really DOES care about humanity, and wants to fight for it, and its salvation. But as we come to learn from the main series, he places his own dream of proving his father right about the existence of human’s beyond the walls above what’s best for humanity, and it puts his actions in this story into an interesting, if harsher light.

No doubt, Erwin is a master manipulator. He plays both sides expertly against the middle in this story, and I’ll get more into it by the end, when his actual plan is revealed to Levi. But what I don’t see often discussed is how, exactly, Erwin got all the parts moving in the direction he wanted, to obtain a specific outcome, and how he pretty ruthlessly uses so many people as pawns to do so. It’s obvious from the context of what we later learn in the story that Erwin first spread a rumor about having evidence against Lovof stealing funds in order to force him into tipping his hand by trying to make a preemptive move. What I see people miss all the time, or at least, fail to discuss, is how Erwin also, at the same time, made it public knowledge within the Capital, that he would be going after a group of thugs in the Underground who had shown exceptional skill using ODM gear, and that he would be making contact with them as soon as possible to try and enlist them into military service, and how Erwin made these plans public specifically to encourage Lobov into seeking out Levi and his friends for the exact purpose of both implicating Lobov in a crime, and gaining Levi’s and his friends strength for the SC. One, by hiring a group of criminals to steal from Erwin and attempt to assassinate him, so he could use that as leverage in case he wasn’t able to obtain proof of Lobov’s further criminal activities, thus having two means of getting rid of one of the SC’s biggest threats, and at the same time, also manage to score for the SC the exceptional skill of Levi and his friends through forced enlistment. He even says to Zackely at one point “I intend to make use of anyone who has even the smallest potential during this expedition.”. Erwin manipulated and had control of this entire scenario from the start, and from behind these scenes moved all of these people exactly how he wanted to, to achieve his goals. That’s pretty impressive, but also pretty scary. Well, I’ll talk more about all of that when we get to it later on.

Back to Levi and his friends though.

We see them arrive at the SC HQ, and a really important conversation happens between Levi and Furlan.

Furlan seems like he’s almost bitten off more than he can chew here, beginning to express his concern to Levi about what joining the SC actually means, before Levi cuts him off, telling him he’s got no intention of enlisting, and that he only agreed to come along so that he could get closer to Erwin and then kill him. I think Levi genuinely felt murderous towards Erwin at this point, and really means what he says here, at least about killing him. Though given the end of chapter 1, with the significant look shared between Levi and Furlan, and Levi’s begrudging acceptance of Erwin’s offer, it’s obvious that Levi also agreed to come because that’s what Furlan wanted him to do, to give them the opportunity they needed. Levi’s just feeling incredibly emotional here, I think, with the way Erwin treated all of them hot on his mind. Furlan tries to implore Levi to forget about killing Erwin, that it isn’t necessary anymore because of his own plan, and the almost certainty that Lobov and his people won’t ever try to make contact with them again. He tells Levi, if he just listens to him and follows his plan, “I know it’ll work. Trust me, Levi.” Furlan asking him to trust him pulls a meaningful look from Levi, seeming to break through Levi’s angry insistence on killing Erwin. This is where the manga improved on Levi’s characterization and motivation by leaps and bounds over the visual novel, because in the next few panels, we see Levi walking away, with Furlan calling after him, concerned, but we get to see Levi’s inner thoughts, and he’s remembering specifically Furlan insisting to him that “one day, we’ll get outta this trash heap and live up above.” We see Levi thinking about Furlan’s hopes and dreams in these panels, and he has a saddened, and guilt-ridden look on his face, like he feels bad about having dismissed Furlan’s plans back there in favor of his own plans for revenge. We didn’t get any of this in the visual novel, instead the text there making Levi look like he refused to consider anyones position but his own in this whole situation. But here, Levi is clearly concerned with and considering Furlan’s desires.

We go into a flashback then, with Furlan explaining to Levi his plans, telling him that “nothing’s gone according to plan... But with you here we’ll really be able to raise hell.” Furlan’s trying to explain to Levi that since he now has Levi’s strength to rely on, they can actually get something done once they get into the Survey Corps. It almost seems like Furlan’s been planning on trying something like this, or at least, had some sort of loose plan about getting to the surface, even before he met Levi. It’s obviously something he’s been dreaming about for a long time.

Then Isabel comes back, and she’s been roughed up and assaulted, and we learn from Furlan asking her if she went to see those “low-life scumbags again?” that this has obviously happened to her before, that she’s been associating with some bad people and it’s gotten her hurt. She denies it and lies about having just tripped, but clearly neither Levi or Furlan are buying that. Levi asks Isabel what happened to her hair, and Isabel reacts badly, running away and hiding in her room. We get a close up of Levi holding a knife in his hands, foreshadowing his own intentions. Later that night, Furlan hears Isabel crying in her room, and her chanting to herself over and over that she’s going to “kill you”, presumably meaning the men that hurt her earlier. Furlan stands there lamenting that he thinks both Levi and Isabel are going “mad”, and that all they can think about is dragging everyone else down to where they are. He’s obviously terrified that he’s going to lose both his friends to the savagery and ruthlessness of the Underground, that both of them are going to end up becoming lost to their own anger and pain. He starts to say “That’s why I...” before Levi suddenly comes back in, holding a bloody knife, clearly having returned from exacting revenge on the men who hurt Isabel. Furlan asks Levi “Did you kill them...?”, and Levi doesn’t answer, but we see a completely resigned, even sad look on his face. This of course is the world Levi comes from. It’s the world he was raised in. A world of kill or be killed. Levi must have figured, if he didn’t go out and kill those men that had hurt Isabel now, then someday, they would end up going too far with her, and kill her instead. But Furlan clearly doesn’t understand, and doesn’t relate to that kind of mindset, despite coming from the Underground too. Of course, Furlan wasn’t raised by Kenny the Ripper either. This is how Levi was taught to deal with his problems, and Furlan can only see him spiraling into an abyss from which he fears Levi won’t return.

We cut back to the present then, and Levi is sitting up on the roof of the SC HQ, again remembering Furlan’s words about “This is our chance. Trust me.”. Getting to the surface and finding better lives for themselves is Furlan’s dream. The fact that Levi keeps remembering it, keeps remembering Furlan insisting and pushing the idea of the possibility of living on the surface, shows that this is probably something he would talk about all the time with Levi, trying to get him to agree to it, to believe in it. Once again, Levi is contemplating the hopes and dreams of his friends. We get another close up of him holding a knife, and it represents, I think, his struggle between his desire for revenge against Erwin, and his desire to help Furlan realize what, to Levi, is probably an unrealistic goal.

We then get Furlan and Isabel joining Levi, commenting on how beautiful the night sky is, and asking Levi how he could keep it to himself. Levi snips testily at Furlan that him and Isabel are so loud, that he’d be too irritated to get any killing done, and then Furlan looking clearly unsettled by the remark. But it’s obvious, given the context of the previous panels of Levi’s thinking about Furlan’s dream, that Levi is just being peevish and saying things out of frustration and confusion. He doesn’t really mean what he says here. He’s taking his frustration out on Furlan by saying what he knows will upset him the most. What this also tells us is that Levi is very much aware of how bothered Furlan is by Levi’s willingness to kill. He isn’t at all oblivious to it, and given his resigned, saddened expression after coming back from killing the men who assaulted Isabel, I would say Levi even understands Furlan’s dismay. That’s a glimpse at Levi’s famous compassion.

The next panels show the three of them bonding, sitting together and admiring the night sky. Isabel asks Levi if the stars are as pretty as where he used to live. I’m just going to chalk the mistake in continuity here up to this manga coming out before, I believe, Levi’s backstory of being born in a brothel in the Underground was established by Isayama. Regardless of this mistake, this is an important moment between the three of them. You can see the awe and wonder they all feel, looking up and seeing the sky fully for what has to be the first time in all their lives. Remember, all three of them have lived literally underground their entire lives, with little to no sunlight, stagnant, stale air, hideously unclean living conditions, etc... It must be overwhelming to them , just to see nature in all its splendor like that. It’s after sharing this moment together that Levi tells Furlan that he’s decided he won’t kill Erwin for now. He looks at him and says “I’m going to trust you.”. And Furlan smiles at him, clearly happy and relieved. This scene is really important, because we’re seeing Levi choose Furlan’s dream over his own desire for revenge. We see Levi place Furlan’s desires over his own, which is totally in line with how Levi is in the main AoT storyline. He decides his revenge can wait, that it’s not as important as helping Furlan achieve his goals. What’s particularly remarkable about this, I think, is that it doesn’t appear that Levi ever dreamed of going to the surface himself, and likely that he never even considered it a possibility. So just like Levi fights, later on, for a world without fear and violence, for humanity’s salvation, even as all his life experiences tell him it likely isn’t possible, we see the Levi doing the same here, deciding to fight for his friend’s dream, even as to him, it seems unrealistic. It’s obviously a pivotal moment too, when Levi tells him he’s going to trust him, because this ties in hugely with the theme which applies so much to Levi throughout the whole series, of never knowing if it’s better to rely on himself solely, to trust himself, or to trust and rely on his friends and their capabilities. Levi chooses, here, to trust in his friends, and that will obviously have it’s own ramifications down the line. Again, this is an area in which the manga improves radically over the visual novel, which had no instances whatsoever of Levi struggling with the question of the choices we make, which is absurd, since it’s one of the driving factors behind who Levi is, and how he ultimately came to see the world as he does. It was precisely this struggle between choices, between trying to choose correctly, giving so much thought and effort to our choices, and still sometimes coming out wrong, that shaped Levi into being able to accept his lack of control and instead of regretting it, using it to keep fighting.

4. Chapter 3: ... Of Revolution

Okay, so on to chapter 3 of “No Regrets”!

I’ve got a few observations, so I’ll just delve in.

First thing, and once again, I found this a huge improvement over the visual novel, but we get more insight here into the reason Erwin was so intent on recruiting Levi. During the scene in which he’s arguing with the other squad leaders about letting a group of “criminals” into their organization, Erwin pushes back against the other scouts deriding Levi and his friends. I really loved Erwin’s line here, where he says “You’re right. These people had no training. They did not earn wings from us. They grew their own, out of necessity.” This shows us that Erwin has a grasp and an appreciation for the hardship Levi and his friends faced while growing up, while most of the other SC leaders and even regular recruits can only look down on them and see them as gutter trash. This shows Erwin’s own scope of vision, his ability to look past a person’s upbringing and background and not make judgments about them based on that. More telling still is his comment about how “those wings will play a part in revolutionizing this organization.”. He wanted Levi’s skills in particular because he knew having someone like Levi around, with exceptional ability, would shift the way they all fight Titans. He was, as always, looking for ways to increase the effectiveness of the SC, and was willing to do whatever he could, and through any means necessary, to ensure it.

The next thing that caught my attention is the glare Levi and Erwin share during the trio’s introduction to the rest of the soldiers. Erwin’s right in front of Levi, standing there, reminding him of his anger and humiliation no doubt, and I think that leads directly into and impacts the next scene, when Flagon shows them their sleeping arrangements. Levi’s already no doubt irritated by having to see Erwin again, and then Flagon makes his frankly deeply disparaging remark about Levi and his friends having spent their whole lives living in a trash heap, implying that they’re filthy gutter trash, and so surely are incapable of keeping themselves and their environment clean. Levi, understandably, reacts badly to this, and gets in Flagon’s face, asking him what he just said, before Furlan intervenes. When you consider the way Erwin already made Levi feel so humiliated and Levi’s subsequent anger at it, then having to see Erwin again not long before this scene, and hearing Flagon just callously make an accusation like that must have only infuriated Levi more. I think, once again, the manga is doing an infinitely better job of portraying the tension, then, that’s starting to form between Levi and Furlan. Furlan scolds Levi after Flagon leaves, almost talking down to him when he says “Didn’t I tell you not to cause trouble?!”. Almost like he’s talking to some misbehaving little kid. Levi’s expression in the following panel says a lot, I think. Levi looks almost chastised, like he knows he’s upset Furlan, before he tries to explain himself, asking Furlan “Didn’t you hear how he talked about us? Like shit calling shit dirty.”. It’s really interesting what this says about the power dynamic in their relationship. Levi is ostensibly the leader of their group, but Furlan’s acting, in a lot of ways, like he’s the one in charge and he expects Levi to fall in line. Clearly, he’s not afraid of scolding Levi, or challenging him. All of Furlan’s insistence that they lay low and not do anything to draw attention to themselves must only be chaffing though at Levi’s already heated feelings about the kind of treatment they’re receiving, how they’re being talked down to, etc... It must be galling to him, to see Furlan not seeming to care that they’re all being so deeply disrespected. But he still continues to defer to Furlan, and agree to go along with his plan for now, though he makes his displeasure known by calling it a pain in the ass.

But seeing Erwin, and then being treated the way they were by Flagon, seems to have rekindled Levi’s desire to take his revenge, and he reminds Furlan that he’ll continue to go along with his plan, but that he’s still going to kill Erwin. Once again, we see Levi being pulled in two different directions. He’s giving priority to Furlan’s plans and wishes, but he’s still thinking about getting Erwin back. He’s annoyed that they weren’t assigned to Erwin’s squad, probably because it means it’s going to limit their contact, giving him less opportunities to kill him. Another line that I think signifies Lev’s annoyance at Furlan and how, well, dismissive he is of Levi’s own feelings, is after he tells them they have to clean the area around their beds before leaving for training, and in response to Isabel’s protests, he says “You wouldn’t want me to cause trouble, would you?”. He’s throwing Furlan’s words back in his face here, and it seems clear to me that Levi is frustrated and doesn’t appreciate the way Furlan’s been talking to him, or how little consideration for his own wishes he’s shown. There’s a lot of tension there.

Another really important scene is the one in the training yard, so I’ll got through it here.

Particularly when Isabel is talking to the Scout helping her with horse riding, and they get to talking about life in the Underground, and then Levi. What Isabel says, and the visual of the panel here, is particularly powerful. She says “It got so I thought I was gonna die. But life’s a little better since Levi saved me from that.”. And we see in the panel Levi lifting Isabels’ head up, obviously checking if she’s alive. There’s all these people, collapsed around her, and the fact that Levi is checking to see if she’s alive is interesting, because it makes me think this is something Levi would regularly do. That he would check to see if anyone was alive when he came across people collapsed in the streets. It’s probably not unusual to come across dead bodies in the Underground, and for someone like Levi, who’s lived there all his life, he’s no doubt seen plenty. The fact he checks Isabel shows a lack of callousness towards the sight, which is incredible, to not become uncaring or apathetic towards suffering, even when you’re surrounded by it your whole life. It’s a highly unusual quality to have, but of course, it makes perfect sense for Levi, who’s so full of compassion.

Nevertheless, it would have been simpler for him to just keep moving and ignore her, but instead he stopped, and when he discovered she was still alive, he took her in and gave her food and shelter and a home. She would have died otherwise. Levi had no obligation towards her, he had no, really good reason to do something so selfless, and yet, he did. And this truly is remarkable, especially when you consider the kind of cut throat world Levi grew up in, the kind of ruthless people he’d encountered, and even lived with, like Kenny, all his life.

Then there’s Furlan’s discussion with another soldier, and his story about Levi. The most interesting thing Furlan says here is how, after his own friends turned on him, he’s followed Levi ever since. And then he says “Though it might be problematic making him any kind of leader!”. It’s interesting what this reveals to us about Levi. People want to follow him because he’s so strong, but Levi himself has no desire for power, or control over others. People willingly attach themselves to him, because they think Levi can protect them, but Levi isn’t any kind of natural leader. So we know Levi was more or less forced into the role of leader by way of others seeking him out and assigning him that role. What’s interesting about this is how it, once again, reveals the kind of person Levi is. He could easily have rejected all of these people and abandoned them. One thing we know is that Levi didn’t need any help surviving on his own in the Underground. But instead Levi allows them to stay with him and willingly offers his help and protection, and though it’s probably more of a pain and a nuisance to him than anything else. It shows that Levi’s never been able to turn away from those seeking his help.

Which leads nicely into the next scene.

I’ve talked about this scene before, and how disappointed I was that they didn’t include it in the OVA. This also wasn’t included in the visual novel, which is, once more, just another way in which the manga is superior.

Flagon is once again criticizing Levi for holding his blades “wrong”, telling him he’s going to end up getting killed outside the walls. And then the training exercise begins, and we see one of the other soldiers trying to compete with Levi, and growing increasingly incensed and annoyed at Levi’s prowess. He thinks “These vagrants with no knowledge as soldiers...” and then “I trained half to death, and these criminals think they’re better?!”. What’s interesting is to see that while this soldier is fuming internally over Levi’s perceived slight of him, glaring at him angrily, Levi clearly hasn’t even taken notice of him. This isn’t a competition to Levi at all. He’s just there to do the exercises. He’s staring straight ahead, blank faced as always.

Now what happens next is once more hugely revealing as to Levi’s character. The infuriated soldier decides he’s not going to accept that Levi’s better than him, and so he intentionally pushes off of a tree and cuts Levi off mid-flight. What struck me about this is how incredibly dangerous it was. Levi’s going, presumably, full speed, through this obstacle course, and this dude, out of petty jealousy, cuts him off by flying right in front of and past him, forcing Levi to pull back and change direction. A stunt like this could have easily resulted in serious injury for Levi, or even death, if he weren’t as gifted as he is. To top it off, this soldier then brags about it, calling out to Levi “Don’t get left behind!”. Of course, his arrogance leads to immediate disaster, as the soldier that went through the course before lost one of their blades in the dummy Titan, and this dude’s flying towards it at top speed, with no way to stop himself or change direction in time. He’s about to be impaled by a blade. Considering the danger he’s just placed Levi in, then, it truly is a testament to Levi’s goodness, that he launches off the tree he’s stopped on, racing ahead and slicing the stray blade free before the other soldier can make contact, resulting in him harmlessly crashing into the pad, instead of dying. This really shows how Levi’s first instinct is always to help others. Even when others have just not only treated him badly, but even endangered his life. He doesn’t owe this soldier anything, and by all rights should be extremely pissed at him for his petty display before. But instead Levi just automatically reacts to his life being threatened by saving the man. He doesn’t even scold him afterward or express anger, just flies off and continues the course.

What makes this whole thing kind of sad is both the soldier’s and Flagon’s reaction to this. The soldier is still angry and upset over Levi’s superior ability, wondering how he can be so fast, not even sparring a thought of appreciation for him just saving his life. And then Flagon grudgingly admits to Levi’s fighting prowess, but continues to doubt him and his ability to stay disciplined. Even after saving one of his own men’s lives, he still continues to look down on Levi. That’s pretty messed up. Levi glares back at him after, as if to say “Who’s the one who’s going to get people killed out there?”. Levi saved a soldiers life, while Flagon could only sit and watch. It’s interesting too how this, tragically, foreshadows what’s to come though, with Levi not being able to save the people he cares the most about. But we’ll get into that when we get there.

Also, just gotta mention also the way Levi reacts to Isabel’s getting upset after he bonks her in the head and calls her stupid. He looks surprised when she starts crying, and it’s clear he didn’t mean to actually hurt her feelings, and it’s just really sweet, the way he rubs her head after. He obviously felt bad.

5. Chapter 4: Proof

Alright, just a few things to say about chapter 4 of “No Regrets”.

One thing that I love that was in the manga that, once again, wasn’t in the visual novel, was Levi’s reaction as they ride out from Shinganshina, as well as Furlan’s and Isabel’s. This kind of internal exploration of these characters who had never been to the surface, who had spent their whole lives in darkness, getting to see the sky for the first time, was something that was entirely absent from the visual novel, and it’s one of its biggest weaknesses. But here, we see Levi looking up at the stone structure of the wall gate, and for a moment, he imagines the ceiling of the Underground, before they emerge out into the open and the full view of the sky appears for the first time. Levi squints up at the glaring sun, and we see an expression of genuine awe and amazement on his face, as well as Furlan and Isabel. This is the first time any of them have experienced anything like this, and the overwhelming beauty of it for them is wonderfully visualized here. The way Levi goes from seeing the claustrophobia and imprisonment of the Underground, and how that opens up into a clear, blue, ending sky, really symbolizes him experiencing for the first time in his life a kind of freedom he’s never before had. And there’s something incredibly moving, but also incredibly tragic about that.

Now another point I want to address, where the manga and anime both differ from the visual novel, in a really vital way, is how here, we see Furlan lamenting that they’ve left the walls, saying “This is terrible. I never meant to leave the walls. If we’d followed the plan, we would have grabbed them and snuck away by now!”. This shows that they’ve been looking for the documents in vain for several months now, and still have yet to find them. Furlan’s plan had obviously originally been to find them and then get out of dodge, but because they weren’t able, they ended up having to wait around longer, until the time came for the expedition. Now how this is presented in the visual novel really struck me as horrifically out of character for Levi. In the novel, it’s explained that the reason they haven’t left is because Levi kept insisting that he had to kill Erwin, refusing to leave until he could do so, and if not for that, Furlan would have forgotten about the documents and simply had them all desert the SC, back to the Underground. Levi intentionally ignoring the safety of his friends for revenge on Erwin really goes against everything we know about him from canon, and was a pretty glaring detail, so I’m glad they nixed that here. There’s no mention of Levi forcing them to stay because of his need for revenge, but rather an implication that none of them were willing to leave until they got the documents. They took this a step further in the OVA even, with that one scene in which Levi argues with Furlan and Isabel, insisting that if it comes to them having to leave the walls, he’s going to go alone, and he wants them to stay behind. This really is an important distinction to make in Levi’s characterization. We know he always places the safety of his comrades above all else, if he can, and tries his best to keep them alive. And the whole reason he agreed to Furlan’s plan in the first place was because he wanted to help Furlan’s and Isabel’s dream of living up above come true. He would never purposefully endanger their lives, or so thoughtlessly dismiss their safety. This is something which gets further corrected later in the story, too, when Levi makes his fateful choice, and I’ll get more into it there as well. One detail though is how Levi tells Furlan not to worry, that he’ll “do something about the Titans.”. Levi clearly believes in his own strength, and believes it will be enough to protect his friends at this point, which goes back to the theme of him struggling to know which is better to rely on, oneself, or ones comrades. Here, he’s relying on himself to protect them. He asks Furlan “Don’t you trust me?”. He’s reminding Furlan that he’s never let him down before, and he promises he won’t now either.

We see Furlan later finding that full trust again, when Levi engages with the abnormal titan, and sees his fearlessness, giving him his own strength to fight. It speaks volumes about the kind of camaraderie shared between all three of them, that they’re able to work so smoothly and effectively together the first time any of them have ever fought a Titan, and how deeply Furlan and Isabel trust Levi to get them through any dangerous situation, as they willingly follow him into battle.

6. Chapter 5: Hearts

Alright, onto chapter 5 of “No Regrets” and then I’ll do the last three chapters tomorrow.

The first thing I took note of was how after everyone gets to the castle ruins, Levi reminds Furlan and Isabel that they’re still outside the walls, and that anything could happen, so they should “stay sharp.”. Once again we see Levi being concerned with the safety of his friends, remind them not to put their guards down. This leads into the next scene, where Furlan remarks that he never thought they’d be able to stop a titan so easily, and reaffirms his faith in Levi’s strength by saying as long as Levi’s with them, they’ll survive somehow. Levi responds to this with some self-doubt, which is really interesting and will tie into some other observations I’ve made about this chapter, later on. He says if there’s more than one of those abnormal titans, he’s not so sure they’ll be alright. Clearly, he’s concerned for the wellbeing of his friends while they’re on the outside like this. He doesn’t feel totally confident.

He then asks Furlan if he’s sure Erwin’s brought the documents with him outside the Walls, which tells us that they’ve obviously had previous discussions about this, that it was a group decision between them, of the necessity of leaving the walls in order to get close enough to Erwin to get the papers. Furlan says he made sure, talking about how he searched Erwin’s office top to bottom, observing that he found a bunch of unrelated documents, and in particular, a locked drawer which he found suspicious. Now what I find interesting here is Furlan’s internal thoughts, because I think he realized Erwin’s intentions already, but he dismissed his suspicions based on them seeming unlikely to him. But in his memory, he thinks, when he sees the locked drawer, that it’s almost like it was made to be searched, and upon opening it, he finds plenty of secret looking documents, but not the ones they need. He then wonders if Erwin is trying to tell him that they’re not there. What’s so interesting about this is just how deep is shows Erwin’s manipulation of this situation actually goes, and how many steps ahead he actually is. We saw in chapter 3 how Erwin was standing at his office window, observing Furlan, which tells us that he was always aware that Furlan was going to try and find the documents, which in turn lead to Erwin arranging his office to nudge Furlan in the right direction, of thinking the documents aren’t anywhere at HQ. Furlan picks up on this possibility, that Erwin is in fact manipulating them, wondering to himself if Erwin WANTS him to think he has the papers on him, giving him the “run around”, but he dismisses the thought out of hand a moment later. What this tells me is just how in control Erwin is here, and it made me think that it’s possible Erwin influenced Furlan’s thinking in this direction, to assuming Erwin had the papers with him, as a means of keeping him, Levi and Isabel there in the military longer, delaying their escape, so that he could intentionally force them outside the walls on an expedition, so he could see what they were actually capable of. At the end of chapter 4, after seeing Levi take down that abnormal titan, he observes to himself, “So your wings are the real thing, after all, Levi.”. This is just speculation on my part, but given what a masterful manipulator Erwin really is, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was his plan the whole time, knowing Levi and his friends wouldn’t and couldn’t leave until they had the documents.

Alright, next observation. It’s kind of funny how, after laying out his plan to search Erwin’s bags with Isabel, and asking Levi to guard the passageway Erwin went down with Shadis, and to stop him if he started to come back before they were finished, Levi’s first assumption is that he should start a fight with Erwin, lol.

More interesting is when Furlan says to Levi “Don’t kill him, even by accident. After all, if we lose an officer outside the walls, we’ll be in trouble, too.”. Because it tells us that they weren’t ever planning on killing Erwin outside of the walls when they went out on expedition. The goal was to try and find the documents, and hoping going beyond the walls would yield an opportunity to do so. This is another, vital change from the visual novel. In that, Levi is still obsessing over killing Erwin, over any consideration for the original plan, ranting even that he’s going to make Erwin get down on his knees and beg for his life before killing him, and that just struck me as wildly out of character for him. They wisely took out that entire piece of dialog here, and instead we lead into a scene of Levi guarding the passageway, and remembering the whole reason for why he agreed to come to the surface in the first place. We go into a flashback of Lovof’s messenger making contact with Levi and the others, propositioning them with Lovof’s commission. What’s really important in this scene is Levi’s initial reaction to the proposal. He’s immediately skeptical and disbelieving, and doesn’t want anything to do with it. He tells the messenger so, and tells him “Go back up there and I’ll pretend I didn’t hear anything.”. Levi shows great instincts here, sensing the danger present for him and his friends, and outright rejects any association. It’s Furlan, then, who steps in and shows interest in the deal, calling the messenger back. Levi’s clearly confused, but yields to Furlan’s look, and Furlan proceeds to tell the messenger that they’ll have to think about it, but that they’re interested. Levi’s clearly not happy about this, and once the messenger leaves, he begins to protest, but Furlan cuts him off and starts to lay out his plan to tail the messenger to find out who his employer is. Isabel expresses disbelief that Furlan actually means to go through with this plan, and Furlan again brings up the dream of making it out of the Underground, talking about how rare a chance it is, to actually live in the Capital, obviously trying to entice both Levi and Isabel with the notion. Levi points out that even if they get the documents, it’ll just lead to them being Lovof’s next targets, and Furlan responds with his plan to blackmail Lovof instead. Levi’s still dubious on this idea, asking Furlan if he really thinks “those pigs will care about a threat from the Underground?”, and Furlan responds that it’s worth a shot. He then implores Levi and Isabel again, saying “Come on, you two, don’t you want to make it up there?”, and we cut back to Levi in the present, contemplating Furlan’s words. Again, we see Levi thinking long and hard on Furlan’s dreams here, over any thoughts he has of Erwin or revenge. He’s prioritizing Furlan’s wishes over his own still, thoughts occupied by what his friend wants.

Now, this leads into a really interesting and meaningful encounter with Erwin.

Well, the first thing I notice in the exchange is when Erwin calls Levi’s friends his “subordinates”, and Levi responds with “They’re not my subordinates…”. This tells us so much about how he views himself in relation to Furlan and Isabel. He doesn’t see himself as their leader. He doesn’t want to control them. He just sees himself as their friend, and protector.

Now the conversation between Levi and Erwin gets really interesting when Erwin starts talking about having seen Levi take down the abnormal titan from earlier, and he observes that with a natural like Levi around, the others must feel safer. Levi looks at Erwin with wide eyes, before responding to him that the reason he was able to figure out how to fight that titan before was because he watched how it moved as it ate another soldier. I think Levi’s feelings of guilt here are pretty obvious. He feels bad for having watched another soldier die, and using his observations while watching to figure out how to kill the titan. It’s like he’s arguing with Erwin here, telling him the others shouldn’t feel safer with him around, that they shouldn’t rely on him. Levi is showing doubt in himself here, again, just like earlier when he pushed back again Furlan’s claims that as long as he’s with them, they’ll be safe. Interestingly, it’s Erwin who essentially tells Levi here that he shouldn’t feel guilty, that the SC is built on those types of sacrifices, and that as long as they’re fighting to take back the world for humanity, none of the soldiers there would feel regret for dedicating themselves to such a cause. I think this is actually the start of the turning point in how Levi views Erwin. He looks at him here with an almost astonished expression, like he’s seeing Erwin in a sudden, new light. Like he’s starting to doubt his own, initial impressions of him, and wonder if maybe he wasn’t totally right. But before he can think on it further, Isabel shows up and calls him away.

Levi then learns that Furlan and Isabel weren’t able to find the documents, essentially confirming that if they’re anywhere, they have to be on Erwin’s person, which leads to the inevitability of having to kill him if they want to get their hands on the papers. Levi’s find with this, because it’s what he wants to do anyway, even as Furlan shows continued apprehension.

And then we get the scene with Hange.

It’s pretty funny that Levi was about to gut Hange, for real, when he thought she had overheard their conversation. It tells us how far he’s willing to go though to protect his friends.

Still, this whole scene is actually pretty moving, in its way. Because Hange is really the first person to express genuine gratitude towards Levi and his friends, and treat them as genuine equals, to which we see Isabel in particular respond after seemingly being unimpressed. Even Levi seems stunned, muttering out “thanks”, like he doesn’t know what else to say as Hange heaps praise on them. It’s also funny how Furlan has to remind Levi to “be nice.”. Poor Levi just doesn’t know how to socialize.

But the important part of this scene is when Hange points out how everyone there is wanting to know how Levi was able to take down a titan so easily, drawing their attention, and Levi’s in particular, to the other soldiers watching them. Hange affirms what Erwin had said to Levi earlier, about how his presence there made the others feel safer, when she says “You’ve given them hope that humans don’t have to lose to the titans if we fight correctly.”. And we see here, I think, the first seeds being planted in Levi’s mind that he might be able to do more, that he might be able to actually help these people. He’s been told as much twice in quick succession. I think this is where Levi starts to get the idea for the first time that he might have found somewhere where he belongs. We’ll get more into this next chapter, when I talk about his conversation with Isabel. But for now, after Hange asks him again if he has any advice, he tells them he just has his own way of doing things, and he can’t teach it to anybody. When she tries to insist, he blows her off and looks away.

Furlan asks Levi, after Hange leaves, what the big deal is in just showing them some simple trick, and Levi says he doesn’t want to be responsible for the loves of anyone other than you two. This is really important, because it again tells us a lot about Levi’s psychology here. He doesn’t want to teach these people how to fight because he doesn’t want to be responsible for them getting hurt or killed. Just as he expressed discomfort earlier with what Erwin said, and his own sense of guilt over how he figured out how to fight the titan, Levi really seems to me like he’s afraid here of failing to protect others, and actually harbors deep doubts about his own ability to do so. So even as we know people tend to flock around Levi and follow him in the belief he can protect them, Levi himself is afraid that he isn’t strong enough to help them the way they want him to. It’s indicative of someone who’s experienced deep loss in their life, which we know Levi has at this point. Someone who’s afraid of making attachments because he doesn’t want to have to experience the pain of that loss ever again. And it shows a painful insecurity in Levi. He wants to help people, but he doesn’t want to end up failing them, or doing something which could lead to them getting hurt or killed. He doesn’t want to be responsible for their lives, because he’s afraid he can’t be.

Furlan tells him not to be so dramatic, and Levi doesn’t say anything in return, but we see a resigned, saddened look on his face, like he knows Furlan wouldn’t understand if he tried to explain how he feels.

Then we get Isabel’s comment about not understanding trying to take back the world for humanity, but her starting to realize the Scouts genuinely believe in what they’re doing. We see Levi’s silence again in response, but this one is more contemplative. He himself is starting to realize the same as Isabel. That these people really believe in what they’re saying. And again we go back to the first seeds of a sense of belonging starting to develop in Levi, even before his big moment with Erwin at the end. He’s starting to sense that maybe he’s found a place where he belongs, where he can actually use his abilities in a way that could make an actual difference in the world. It’s subconscious at this point, but Levi is starting to get that sense I think.

7. Chapter 6: Living Creatures

Okay, onto chapter 6 of “No Regrets”!

So the first thing I want to jump into here is, once again, something which the manga vastly improved on over the visual novel, and that was the scene following the flashback to Levi and his friends learning about the long-distance scouting formation before the expedition, and then Flagon’s instructions to them in the present. I don’t think this scene was even included in the visual novel, but it’s indispensable in understanding Levi’s mindset going into the fateful final act.

Isabel gets carried away by Flagon’s speech, and ends up saluting, expressing genuine enthusiasm for the SC’s cause, before realizing what she’s done and turning around, seeing Levi and Furlan looking back at her in silence. Furlan looks unimpressed, while Levi wears his usual stoic expression. You can’t tell one way or the other what he’s thinking, which is why the next scene is so hugely important, because we get a look into his inner thoughts.

I saw another person say not long ago that in this scene, Isabel expresses a desire to join the SC, and Levi blows her off and ignores her, only thinking about his revenge on Erwin, and to that person, I would like to ask ‘What scene were you reading?’, because that’s pretty much the opposite of what happens here. This scene reveals so much about Levi’s own, inner conflict, and how he’s beginning HIMSELF to understand and even sympathize with the cause of the SC, and the soldiers who have dedicated themselves to it. Let’s dissect it here a bit.

The scene takes place at night, before they ride out again, and Levi is sitting up with Furlan and Isabel, and he’s thinking quietly to himself. The first thing he’s recalling in his contemplation here is Sairam’s words, asking Levi if he knows how many elite soldiers have been eaten by Titans. This plainly shows Levi’s growing concern for Furlan and Isabel. The longer they spend outside the walls, the higher the risk of something going wrong, and that’s a worry that’s heavy on Levi’s mind here.

He then remembers, in quick succession, all these various interactions and the words of different people throughout his short time up here on the surface. He recalls Sairam hurling insults at him and his friends, calling them punks, and then Hange’s opposite words of encouragement and appreciation, telling them they’ve given everyone hope. He recalls Furlan’s words, telling Levi that with him there, they’ll really be able to raise hell, and then Isabel’s words, pointing out that the SC soldiers really believe their cause is worth dying for. Finally, Levi recalls Flagon’s degrading words, about how Levi and his friends have spent their whole lives in a trash heap, implying they’ll never amount to anything more than garbage, and last, he recalls Erwin’s words, how he’d seen the desire to kill in Levi during their first encounter.

All of this is hugely important to understanding Levi’s psychology, I think, and understanding his feelings of conflict and confusion, and how it ultimately plays into him making the choice he does. For Sairam’s and Flagon’s words, it’s the assumption people have made about Levi all his life, that he’s nothing but a worthless criminal who can’t do anything good for anyone, and Levi’s struggle to overcome that perception that people have of him. In contrast to that, Hange’s words are sending Levi the opposite message, that he isn’t just a worthless criminal, but someone who can actually contribute something positive and important to other people’s lives. He’s someone who can inspire hope. Something Levi’s always secretly wished he could do. And then there’s Furlan’s words, serving as a confirmation to Hange’s, in which he expresses his reliance on Levi to help make his own dreams come true, and Levi seeing himself in that role, of taking care of these two people whom he loves. And there’s Isabel’s words, a clear admiration and astonishment at the realization that these soldiers really believe in a cause bigger than themselves.

We see all of Levi’s greater hopes, his desire and wish to help other people, coming into conflict here with the way he’s been treated all his life by others, as a worthless, good for nothing criminal, and how that treatment has forced him to become the very thing they accuse him of being, someone ready and willing to kill, someone ready to commit crimes, etc… It’s Levi’s pride and anger battling with his deeper desire to protect and help others. The thing his life and his environment has FORCED him to become, against his truer nature. This is such a vital, important scene, and once again, the manga succeeds in explaining and revealing Levi’s complexity as a character, whereas the visual novel just flat out butchered it.

Now getting back to Levi’s interaction with Isabel in this scene, and the woeful misinterpretation I saw another person make one time.

Furlan is talking about how, given the complexity of the formation, they won’t be able to break ranks without being spotted, and he suggests they should just wait until they’re back behind the walls before trying to steal the documents again. Levi points out that if all three of them leave, then yeah, they’ll likely be spotted, and gives no further opinion. Already, Levi is thinking that maybe he could go after Erwin and the documents alone, thinking of taking the entire burden of the operation on himself, carrying the hopes and dreams of all of them on his shoulders alone, (which is why he later calls himself conceited and proud, having relied on his own strength entirely, instead of his friends too, ending in failure, which in turn goes back to the very beginning, with Levi’s statement about never knowing what the better option is, to rely on oneself, or on their comrades). But anyway, he doesn’t protest or try to counter Furlan when he says they should just focus on getting back alive. Isabel expresses agreement, and then says she knows the documents are important, but she also doesn’t want to get in the way of the SC and what they’re trying to do. Now here’s where the conversation gets really important in, once more, understanding Levi’s psychology.

He and Furlan look over at her, and while Levi stays silent, Furlan gets annoyed, chastising Isabel for seeming to suddenly care about the other soldiers, accusing her of only caring because Hange’s cookies were good. Furlan clearly doesn’t understand Isabel’s sentiments here, he doesn’t get why she suddenly seems concerned. He’s still focused on their own goals, and that’s all that matters to him. But Isabel begins to explain that it’s just that she’s starting to understand why the SC goes out beyond the walls, and likens it to how they felt living in the Underground, wanting to escape to the world above. She’s saying she understands that sense of being trapped, of being imprisoned, and the longing for freedom. And then she talks about seeing lots of her friends dying underground, while dreaming of making it “up there.”, and how seeing that made her feel like she HAD to get up there. It’s like Isabel is saying here that her dream to make it to the surface was strengthened by the dreams of others who never got to realize it for themselves, and that she wanted to make it to the surface, more than anything, as a way of giving the dreams of those who had died without realizing them, meaning. By making it to the surface FOR THEM. She starts to try and explain what she means, saying ‘It’s…” before Levi suddenly speaks for the first time since her monologue, saying “It’s like leaving the walls behind to kill the Titans…”

This is such a huge moment. Because contrary to what I saw this one person claim once, Levi is acknowledging Isabel’s feelings, and expressing empathy with them. He’s telling Isabel here that he understands what she means, because he feels it too. This desire to fight for freedom as a way to give meaning to the suffering of those who couldn’t escape their imprisonment. Levi, rather than ignoring or blowing Isabel off here, is relating to her. Her feelings are his own. Isabel smiles dreamily and says “Yeah.” Because Levi put her thoughts into words. She then keeps talking to Levi, starting to ramble about what she wants to do when they get to live in the Capital, how fun she thinks it would be to steal from all the “rich pigs” and use their money to buy useless junk, before she falls asleep.

Furlan then kind of bursts this bubble of reverie that Isabel and Levi have fallen into, and what he says here is, again, so important. He says “I’ve got to revise our plan. We’ll need to steal the documents before you and she start seriously talking about dedicating your hearts, or whatever.” Furlan’s perceived how Levi’s own feelings are beginning to match up with Isabel’s, how he’s starting to feel drawn to and sympathetic towards the SC’s cause, and he’s worried, because that’s not what they’re supposed to be there for. They’re supposed to be there to steal the documents so they can get a chance to live in the Capital. This is Furlan’s dream, ultimately, and he doesn’t want to lose sight of it to some unrealistic ideal. What’s so interesting here is the contrast between Levi and Furlan. While Levi is so quiet and reserved and hard to read, he’s actually showing himself to be more of the dreamer of the two, while Furlan is much more practical and less prone to fanciful, ideal notions like helping people beyond their own means.

We get one last shot of Levi gazing at Isable, thoughtfully. He’s still thinking about her words.

Alright, then comes the next big scene, with all of them outside again, to try Erwin’s new formation. We see, again, Levi’s gradually shifting opinion of Erwin already, when he remarks that Erwin’s idea is “brilliant”, once he sees how it works, expressing genuine admiration for it and Erwin’s mind. Levi still hates Erwin, and want to kill him, but we already see this desire in him starting to crack and come apart, replaced by an almost astonished curiosity instead. Like he isn’t sure what Erwin is, but he’s impressed, in spite of himself.

Then the storm comes and everything starts to fall apart.

Another, massive and vital change here in the manga from the visual novel is Levi’s reaction to the sudden storm. In the visual novel, Levi’s first and only response to it is that he can use it as cover to go after and kill Erwin, sparing no thought to the safety of his friends, or the other people in his squad. It was another instance in which I thought Levi’s characterization in the novel was just horribly butchered, and so once again, I was so glad to see them correct it here. Levi’s first response, after he, Furlan and Isabel start to lose contact with Flagon and the others, is to scream at his friends to not get separated. He's only worried about them in this moment, and wants to make sure they don’t lose contact with each other. He isn’t thinking at all about leaving them here yet. Just this small addition completely changes Levi’s motivations and priorities, leading into the fateful choice, and it’s immeasurably better characterization for him then what was presented in the visual novel. I’ll get more into it with the next chapter. So until then, thanks again for reading.

8. Chapter 7: Those Three

Okay, onto chapter 7 of “No Regrets”, and there’s really no need for me to say that this is by far the most heartbreaking chapter. I think, perhaps, the most tragic part of it all is that Levi made the choice that he did because he was actually trying to protect everyone. Now I’m going to break his choice down and get into the details of that, so let’s just dive right in.

First off, I want to talk a little about, once more, the pivotal contrasts between the way Levi’s choice is presented here in the manga, and how it was presented in the visual novel, and why, like everything the manga’s done so far, it’s an immeasurable improvement in the manga.

Basically, the way Levi’s choice in the visual novel plays out doesn’t in any way relate to his later philosophy which serves as the driving force behind Levi’s character in the main SnK series, while the way his choice plays out in the manga relates to it completely.

In the visual novel, it isn’t even really a choice at all. There isn’t any consideration or struggle for Levi to choose one way or the other. Levi acts purely on impulse, and as I stated in my analysis for chapter 6, he reacts to the sudden storm by wanting to use it as cover so he can go and kill Erwin. That’s it. That’s his sole motivation for leaving his friends behind. He puts no thought into it, he doesn’t consider the ramifications, he doesn’t seemingly care about anything at all except killing Erwin, and to hell with the consequences. Again, this is so wildly out of character for Levi, that I could hardly believe it while I was reading it. To make matters worse, when Furlan tries arguing with him and tries to convince him to stay, the writing directly contradicts its earlier statement that Levi didn’t consider Furlan and Isabel to be his subordinates by having him snap back at Furlan that he’s (meaning Levi) the one who decides, almost rubbing his higher rank in their social interactions in Furlan’s face, before just riding off without another thought. It’s just awful characterization. And, as I said, completely severs any relation of Levi’s actions here to the philosophy he later develops and adheres to so strongly in the main series, indeed, the philosophy that he lives by and which governs his actions, the philosophy that serves as his character motif. It turns it into a decision made purely through emotion, a purely selfish and thoughtless act taken, and indeed, the only lesson Levi would be able to take from that sort of impulsive decision making would be that he should put more thought into his actions in the future, because if he does that, then this sort of thing won’t happen again.

But that’s not the lesson Levi learns, and that’s not the foundation of his philosophy.

Levi’s entire philosophy revolves around him understanding and accepting that he can never know the outcome of any given choice he makes until after the fact, no matter how much effort and thought he puts into trying to make the right one, and finding a kind of freedom in relinquishing that control. It is absolutely vital, then, in order for Levi’s choice in “No Regrets” to mean anything, and for it to in any way relate to the philosophy which governs him later, for it to have been a well thought out and deeply considered choice, and that’s exactly what it’s presented as in the manga.

Now I want to break his choice down here panel by panel to get into why.

First of all, the first key difference between the manga and visual novel, is here in the manga, Furlan is the one who first points out that the situation for them is bad, because in this weather, it’s likely Erwin will get eaten by a Titan, and if that happens, they won’t be able to get the papers they’ve been after this whole time. Levi isn’t shown even THINKING about any of that up to this point. He’s only shown concern for Furlan and Isabel, wanting to make sure they stay together, and sticking himself by their sides. Furlan goes on to say here that in order to take the papers, they’re going to have to head to the center of the formation. Furlan’s the one who brings the entire subject of Erwin and the documents up here, not Levi, and this is a huge and important difference.

They hear Flagon fire the sound grenade, and realize he and Sairam aren’t far off. Furlan says they might be able to join them somehow, but then he hesitates, and says “but… Levi.”

Furlan is looking to Levi here and asking him to make a decision for their group. Do they go off together and try to get to Erwin before he gets eaten by a Titan and they lose their final opportunity to get the documents they need, or do they go and join Flagon. Furlan puts the responsibility onto Levi’s shoulders here.

Now here’s where things get really complex, and we see how truly nuanced, considered, and thought out Levi’s choice really was, and ultimately, then, why it turning out to be the wrong choice is so deeply tragic.

Furlan and Isabel both are looking at Levi, waiting for him to choose, and we get to see Levi’s internal thoughts.

The first thing he thinks in this situation is to weigh the worth of the lives of his squad and his friends against his own, and this is so exactly like Levi, and once more shows infinitely better characterization of him than what was done in the visual novel. Levi thinks here “If the three of us go, the team we leave behind will be shorthanded.” This is literally Levi showing private concern for the lives of Flagon and Sairam, knowing that if he takes Isabel and Furlan with him, those two’s chances of survival out in this weather diminish drastically. He then thinks “If I go alone, there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to find them again.” He’s considering his own chances of survival here, if he strikes out on his own. He knows that if he does, his own chances of getting killed increase. So here we see Levi struggling with whether to prioritize the lives of his squad, or himself. Ultimately, he decides to prioritize the lives of his squad. And I’ll get more into that in a moment.

But Levi continues to struggle. He tells himself “Which is it? Pick one.”, as the storm worsens around him. He’s agonizing over it. And then he closes his eyes, and he thinks of Isabel, remembers her saluting Flagon from the night before, and the understanding for the SC’s cause that she expressed, and how he himself understood it, and her sympathy, even her empathy with how they felt, saying she didn’t want to get in their way, meaning she didn’t want to compromise their mission. Levi himself has been developing an attachment to these soldiers, and an admiration and understanding of their dedication, seeing how like his own desire to fight for and protect the lives of others it is. To leave Flagon and Sairam to their fate and unprotected, then, would be both a betrayal to Isabel’s feelings and wishes, and his own. Levi doesn’t want to be the cause of Flagon’s and Saiyam’s deaths by taking Isabel and Furlan with him and leaving them by themselves. Also, in remembering the way Isabel saluted Flagon and her enthusiasm for the SC’s dedication, Levi must also have realized, if he took Isabel with him to steal from and kill Erwin, it would destroy any future chance she might have of ever joining the SC again, if that was something she wanted. To take her with him would implicate her in his crimes and rob her of that possible future.

Levi then thinks of Furlan and Isabel in the Underground, looking at him, and Furlan explaining to him his plans, his hopes and dreams of using this new found opportunity to make it to the world above and make for themselves better lives. He’s remembering Furlan, and Furlan’s reliance on him to make that dream come true. Remember how Furlan told Levi “With you here, we’ll really be able to raise hell.”. His plan always hinged on having Levi’s strength and ability in order to succeed. Levi knows, then, if he chooses to not go after Erwin then and there, and get the documents from him, Furlan’s dreams will be dashed, and Levi will have failed to help make them come true. And Levi has gone along with Furlan’s plans up to this point, against his own, better judgment, specifically because he wanted to help realize Furlan’s dream, to make it a reality. To abandon it now, after all of that, must have seemed unacceptable to Levi.

And then Levi remembers Erwin, standing over him in the Underground, superior and smug, callous and uncaring for how he’s disrupted and threatened the lives of Levi and his friends. He remembers his anger at Erwin, his feeling of humiliation and rage.

And it’s this memory, finally, after all the others, after considering the lives of Flagon and Sairam, after considering Isabel’s wishes, and Furlan’s dream, that tips the scale for Levi in deciding that he has to go alone after Erwin. It’s the weight of all those factors, the fear of letting Flagon and Sairam die, the fear of letting Furlan and Isabel down, on top of Levi’s own pain and anger, that decides it for him. If he doesn’t go after Erwin alone, if he takes Furlan and Isabel with him, Flagon and Sairam will probably die, and both Furlan and Isabel will be implicated in the crime of theft and murder. If he stays with Isabel and Furlan to join up with Flagon and Sairam, then Furlan’s and Isabel’s dreams likely go out the window.

This is no snap decision on Levi’s part. It’s a deeply considered, thought out and in many ways selfless choice he makes. And, again, that’s really what makes it so horribly tragic. Levi was really TRYING to do the right thing here, was genuinely acting in a way he thought was for the best, for all parties involved. He gave just as much, really MORE consideration to Furlan and Isabel and Flagon and Sairam than he did to himself. It was the combined weight of the interests of all the other people involved that pushes Levi towards the choice he makes, and his desire for vengeance on Erwin is just the final straw which tips the scale in that direction, not the one and only deciding factor. It is, from all angles of consideration, the best choice to make.

So Levi tells them he’s going alone, and tells Furlan and Isabel to join up with Flagon. He says he’ll get the documents, that’s the FIRST thing he’s going to do. Not kill Erwin. It’s the documents Levi is prioritizing here. And since he’s going after Erwin to get the documents anyway, he’ll also, he says, be the one to kill him. In Levi’s view, he’s being presented with a chance here to succeed in all their goals. In Levi’s view, this must be a win/win situation if he can find Erwin and do what needs to be done.

Furlan starts to protest, before Isabel cuts him off and says she’s going with Levi too, and Levi asks her, if she comes with him, who does she think is more likely to die, just him, or Flagon and Sairam. He’s reminding her here of her desire to not get in the way of the SC soldiers, of her sympathy and empathy towards them, and is imploring her to realize that going with him will leave Flagon and Sairam vulnerable. He’s telling Isabel that he can take care of himself, more than those two can. He says, specifically, If the four of you stay together, it’ll raise their chances of survival.”. He knows it’s dangerous to strike out on his own in this kind of weather, but he knows it increases his squad’s chances of survival if he does. Levi makes the decision here to place the lives of Flagon and Sairam over his own, and to support Isabel’s own feelings in the process.

And then Furlan begins to protest again, telling Levi to keep his cool and think, trying to explain that if he just waits a little while, the fog might clear up. He’s clearly afraid that if Levi goes out there on his own, he’ll get killed.

Levi asks Furlan then if he’s saying the Titans will wait until then, reminding Furlan that each moment they fail to act and go after Erwin, is another moment in which Erwin could get eaten, and risks Furlan’s dream being destroyed.

Furlan continues to protest, trying to impress on Levi how dangerous it is, to act alone, and Levi shouts back that he heard Furlan already, before insisting that he can do this by himself. And then he screams at Furlan “Trust me!!”. He’s putting the same request on Furlan that Furlan before put on Levi, asking for his trust, asking for his belief. Furlan may be ready to give up on his dream for the sake of Levi’s safety, but Levi isn’t ready to give up on Furlan’s dream for the same.

They glare at each other, and then Furlan asks “Is that an order, Levi?”, and Levi’s reaction to that question speaks volumes.

He looks shocked at it, his expression one of clear surprise and confusion.

He then asks “An order…?” like he doesn’t understand why Furlan would even ask something like that, before saying “Why does it have to come to that? I’m just… The two of you…”

This is in such sharp contrast to the way they had Levi acting in the visual novel and is, once more, infinitely superior.

It shows so plainly that Levi doesn’t want to be considered Furlan’s and Isabel’s leader, he doesn’t want to be treated as their leader. He only wants to be their friend, and for them to see him as their friend, and as someone they can depend and rely upon to always care about them and their dreams, as someone who will always fight for them and their dreams. He says “The two of you…” before trailing off, like he doesn’t know how to express any of that. But that’s what Levi is trying to say, he just doesn’t know how, as usual. He’s bad at expressing himself. He’s trying to tell Furlan that he’s going after Erwin because he’s trying to still make their dreams come true, he’s trying to support them and protect them and ensure that this entire situation they’ve gotten themselves into isn’t in vain. Levi’s expression as he looks back at Furlan here is heartbreakingly earnest. He looks open and vulnerable, as if imploring Furlan to understand.

And Furlan looks back, and finally realizes what Levi is trying to tell him. And when he realizes it, he smiles, and laughs. Because he realizes Levi is doing this for him, and for Isabel, and for Flagon and Sairam, even. He realizes Levi truly means well here, and has made the choice he has after deep thought and consideration. That this isn’t an impulsive or hotheaded choice, that he IS thinking clearly. Levi is confused by his reaction, and Furlan keeps laughing along with Isabel, before telling Levi “Fine. I’ll trust you.”, giving Levi the same regard Levi before showed him before, in agreeing to follow Furlan’s plan. Furlan chooses to trust in Levi’s decision making, chooses to trust in Levi’s own plan now. And then he tells Levi not to die, and Isabel tells him to make sure he comes back. They’re scared for him, but they’re choosing to trust him.

We get a significant panel then, as Furlan and Isabel fall back from him, and Levi looks back at them, as if still uncertain in his choice, despite all the thought he put into it. He’s still filled with self-doubt, even as Furlan had just moments before expressed belief in him. Like he thinks there’s something he must be missing, even though he’s sure he thought out every possible scenario and reason for choosing as he did.

What’s important too, in understanding Levi’s choice, is that it never once occurs to him that Furlan and Isabel could die. He thinks Flagon and Sairam potentially will, if they all leave them behind, and he thinks he himself might, if he strikes out on his own. But he never thinks it a possibility that Furlan and Isabel could. He chooses then, in that moment, to also trust in the strength of his friends. He shows absolute belief in Furlan’s and Isabel’s strength, to the point that he believes Flagon and Sairam need them, more than he does. It isn’t even a thought Levi can entertain, that him choosing to leave will put Isabel and Furlan’s lives in danger. With all the consideration he does, all the thought he puts into making the right choice, it simply isn’t conceivable to him, that his friends could die. If he had thought that a possibility, if such a scenario had occurred to him, he never would have left. He genuinely believed, if all four of them stuck together, they would be alright, even if he himself wasn’t.

A few others points of note in this chapter.

When Isabel and Furlan meet up with Flagon and Sairam again, and Sairam asks if Levi is dead, Isabel reacts violently, screaming “Of course he isn’t!! Levi will come back. Bet on it!”. This emphasizes, in a truly heartbreaking way, Isabel’s own faith in Levi, and her need to believe he’ll be alright. She insists that Levi will come back, and this builds off of Isabel’s continued refrain throughout the story of how Levi is “the strongest”, both below and above. Levi is Isabel’s hero, and she clings to his perceived strength in this moment, needing to believe in it to comfort herself over his safety.

This runs parallel then to Levi coming upon the butchered squad from the first rank, and his horrified realization that there are at least four Titans that did this, and that they’re heading back the way Levi came from, meaning right for Isabel and Furlan and Flagon and Sairam. He immediately turns around and tries in a frantic dash to make it back in time, thinking desperately to himself that there’s too many Titans, and they’ll be overwhelmed. And then he comes upon the sight of Sairam being eaten, and he cries out for Furlan and Isabel.

Truly the most heartbreaking part about this entire scene is how Levi tries so desperately to make it to his friends in time, but how he just simply isn’t near enough too, and can only watch, then, as they die. For Levi, who’s entire identity revolves around wanting to help others, to protect others, his own helplessness in this situation must be truly horrific for him. And especially, his own helplessness in watching the two people that mean the most in the world to him get eaten alive.

Another truly heartbreaking moment here is how Isabel decides, in Levi’s absence, that she’s going to take on his role as protector, and save everyone. How Isabel’s admiration and hero worship of Levi is, indirectly, what gets her killed here. She wants to be just like him, and in trying to be like him, she ends up dying. All of this happens in front of Levi. He has to watch Isabel die while trying to do the thing he’s made himself responsible for, which is protecting the lives of others. And the way she starts to call out for him, right before the Titan’s jaws close around her, is truly gut wrenching. Levi’s expression here is one of such utter horror and shock too, before it turns to sudden, murderous rage, and he tries once more to close the distance and make it in time, only to have to watch both Flagon, and then Furlan both get eaten too.

Levi thinks to himself, as Furlan’s being lifted to the Titan’s mouth “I’m going to end up letting everyone die.” Before screaming out Furlan’s name. Levi is already blaming himself, already feeling the abject weight of his failure. This is the moment when he realizes his choice was the wrong one.

Furlan, in one of the saddest moments of all, finally sees Levi and, as if to say ‘it’s okay. This isn’t your fault’, waves to him in acknowledgment.

Maybe most cruel of all is how Levi, even in the face of his overwhelming fear and horror and self-hatred, clings desperately to hope, still trying with everything he has to make it in time to save at least one of his friends. He thinks to himself “Come on, make it in time!!”, and only to make it more tragic still, he almost DOES make it in time, just barely a moment too late as he slices off the hand of the Titan that had been holding Furlan. Levi misses saving Furlan’s life by mere moments. It’s truly the definition of tragic, and beyond traumatizing.

9. Chapter 8: Choices

Alright, and now I’ve reached the final chapter of “No Regrets”, so let’s just dive right in!

There really is so much more to unpack from this story than I think people realize.

Firstly, just a few, truly devastating observations I want to talk about.

The first one being how, even after Furlan gets swallowed by the Titan, Levi still believes he can save him. The fact that he cuts the Titan open from the chest down to his sternum, and free’s Furlan’s arm, and the panels which show Levi reaching out for his hand and ripping him from the Titan’s stomach is just… so heartbreaking. The way too that he gently carry’s him back to the ground and lays him out, only to discover that his entire lower half is gone, and he’s dead, just the level of trauma you know this must be causing Levi is immense, and beyond tragic. This is one of only two, true friends in his life, and he’s so desperate to have been able to save him, that he clings on to the possibility to the bitter end, until he’s forced to face the bleak reality. Levi’s devastation is really brilliantly depicted in how he wobbles, as if his knees are weak, when he stands back up.

And then of course comes Levi’s rage, and how he takes it out on the Titans, expressing his grief and pain in the only way he knows how, through violence.

But maybe the most heartbreaking moment here comes once he’s through killing every Titan there, and he starts to stumble away, and his foot comes into contact with Isabel’s severed head. This is, once more, another area in which the manga improved hugely over the visual novel.

Levi’s reaction here is just… the most heartbreaking thing ever. The way he stares when he realizes he’s looking at Isabel’s head, and then falls to his knees, his overwhelming grief here is just so beautifully depicted in these panels, as he reaches out a hand to cover her eyes, and then slides them closed, in an attempt to give her some sort of dignity in death. The way he can’t even look at her, just doubled over in his grief, just killed me to see. It’s so unspeakably sad, and conveys to us readers the true depth of Levi’s despair, I think.

And then we move on from this horrific grief, to the climactic moment of the story, when Levi and Erwin again come together, and we see Levi’s overwhelming rage. Again, this entire scene was a massive improvement over the visual novel. Well, for starters, in the visual novel, they had Levi cut Erwin’s horse down to bring him to the ground, and again, that’s just so out of character. Luckily, they fixed that here too, with Levi simply leaping up and dragging Erwin off his horse.

These panels really are amazing too is showing Levi’s intense rage, as he warns Mike to back the hell off, and brings his blade to Erwin’s neck.

What’s really interesting here is what Levi says.

After the struggle of the choice he made, before Furlan and Isabel were killed, after giving so much consideration and choosing based largely on their own dreams and wishes, Levi tells Erwin here “I’m going to kill you, you bastard. That’s why I’m here.”. And Erwin responds, after studying Levi a moment, “So they… all died? I see.”. Erwin gleans here, both from Levi’s words and expression, that his friends have died, and what he says indicates that he knows the only reason Levi hasn’t tried to kill him before now is because Furlan’s and Isabel’s own well being and their own dreams were the only thing holding Levi back. Levi made no attempt on Erwin’s life before because he was placing Furlan’s and Isabel’s wishes above his own, but now that they’re gone, there’s nothing to keep Levi from acting out his revenge.

This is also where we get Erwin’s full reveal of just how in control of this entire situation he’s been this whole time, and how he manipulated every player and outcome to his desires.

This really isn’t something I see get discussed a whole lot when talking about Levi’s relationship with Erwin, and how it started out. But, unquestionably, Erwin used Levi and his friends against their consent, to achieve his own ends. He set the whole thing up, from first spreading rumors about having some sort of evidence against Lovof’s embezzlement, to then spreading the information that he was looking to recruit Levi and his friends from the Underground, thereby giving Lovof the very idea of going to them to obtain his own proof of the evidence’s existence, while simultaneously leading Erwin to the definitive proof he sought by following the messenger Lovof sent and intercepting him. At the same time, giving Erwin a means of throwing Lovof off by using Levi, Furlan and Isabel for cover. It really is incredibly impressive, but also heartbreaking, the way Erwin used Levi and his friends to his own ends, but of course, perfectly in character for Erwin too, willing to do whatever it takes to achieve his goals. It begs certain questions though about the equality between Erwin and Levi, at least at the start of their relationship. Erwin clearly had the control and power in this situation, and though clearly he never meant for Furlan and Isabel to die, still, his decision to rope Levi and them into his plans to catch Lovof and also to gain their strength and skill for the SC, did lead indirectly to their deaths. Surely, if Erwin had never meddled in their lives, and used them as tools, they would have all still been alive in the Underground.

But of course, this leads into a really interesting clash, then, between Levi and Erwin, and where we see Erwin win Levi over to his cause. This is, as is becoming a redundant theme of my analysis here, a giant improvement over the visual novel. There, it makes it seems as if Levi decides to follow Erwin only because Erwin has something Levi lacks, and until he can figure out what that something is, he won’t be able to “defeat him”, implying that Levi is still somehow obsessed with beating Erwin in some way. Like he isn’t joining Erwin to fight for his dream of a better world, but because he wants to figure out what Erwin has that he doesn’t, so he can become superior, or whatever. But here, in the manga, Levi’s reasons for deciding to follow Erwin are much more complex, and tied in with his own personal drive of wanting to help and save others, and into his relationship with Furlan and Isabel.

Levi tells him “It wasn’t worth throwing away their lives! They were nothing but pawns in your worthless game. Well, you lose.”, right before he means to take Erwin’s head off.

What’s interesting here is Erwin’s response. He doesn’t try to deny to Levi that he used Furlan and Isabel and Levi himself as pawns. He doesn’t argue, or try to defend himself on that front. What he takes issue with is Levi calling the reasons for it a “worthless game”.

Erwin’s entire speech to Levi here really builds off of the feelings Levi had already started to develop, about feeling like he had maybe found a place to belong, where he could maximize the good he could do. This wasn’t yet a fully formed idea in Levi’s head, up to this point, but the seeds of it had started to form.

Erwin asks Levi who’s responsible for killing his friends. He asks if it was him, if it was Levi, and then he asks if he really thought that if they had come together to attack Erwin, that they would have made it out alive.

This is what Levi is beating himself up over, of course. The belief that he made the wrong decision, in leaving Furlan and Isabel behind, thinking to himself if they hadn’t split up, they would still be alive. He blames himself for how he came to that decision, and starts to say as much to Erwin here, saying it was his conceit and his pride that was to blame, no doubt thinking of how it was his memory of Erwin and the humiliation he caused Levi that was the final tipping point which decided him in favor of going after Erwin himself, and also how he simply convinced himself that he would be able to shoulder all of the responsibility himself in such a dire situation, remembering how he told Furlan “I can do it by myself!” so insistently, asking him to trust him, to trust essentially in Levi’s strength. To Levi, in this moment, his own strength must have seemed worthless suddenly, his belief in it leading to nothing but abject failure. But then Erwin cuts him off and says, emphatically that, no, it was the Titans who killed them, before beginning to talk about how little they know about the Titans, and how if they continue to remain ignorant like that, they’ll never win against them. He tells Levi to look around himself, and points out how, for as far as the eye can see, there are no walls, and then suggests that, in all that open space, there might be something they can find to free humanity from its despair and imprisonment. And then he reminds Levi that there are people who want to stop this from this from happening, only concerned with their own profits and losses, content to stay where danger can’t reach them. He shows sympathy, saying it’s understandable why they feel that way, because they’ve been blinded by the walls for a hundred years, and can’t see past their own survival.

And then he asks Levi if his eyes have remained clouded too. He’s asking Levi here if he only knows how to live for himself, and if he’ll kill him and return to the Underground to continue to do so, after losing the two people he cared most about in this world.

But of course, Levi’s already learned how to live for people other than himself. That was his whole reason for coming to the Surface in the first place. In support and dedication to the hopes and dreams of his friends. Levi’s eyes HAVEN’T been clouded, he’s already discovered and embraced what it means to give your life for others, already able to see past his own benefit.

Erwin reminds Levi of that here, and tells him they won’t give up on going outside the walls, before asking Levi to fight with the Survey Corps, telling him “Humanity needs your skill!!”. He reminds Levi, even after the loss of the two people whom he had been living for up to that point, that he can continue to live for others still, that he can still fight for the hopes and dreams of others, and that he doesn’t have to return to the life of isolation and loneliness and futility that he once lived, that he doesn’t have to return to simply surviving, or fighting only to survive. He’s reminding Levi that his life can mean more than that, just like he realized when he became friends with Isabel and Furlan. That his life can have purpose, and that, if he lends his strength to the SC, he can do more even than help a few people. He can, in fact, help all of humanity.

The following panels show Levi coming to this realization. He remembers Furlan and Isabel at his sides as they rode out into the open for the first time, into the first, true sense of freedom they had ever known, and their shared awe and wonder at the sight. And Levi is realizing here, just as he had fought for his friends dreams of freedom, and of a better, more hopeful life, he can continue to fight for the same, only for everybody, for all people. He can make the most of his abilities, and help the most people, by staying in the SC and fighting at Erwin’s side, fighting for Erwin’s vision of something beyond the walls, of a kind of salvation for humanity.

What Erwin gives Levi here, really, the thing Erwin gives Levi that he before lacked, is a sense of hope. A belief in his own ability to make a meaningful, positive impact on the lives of others. It’s like Erwin’s own belief in that hope for humanity’s salvation is so strong, that Levi finds himself able to believe in it too, and he decides then and there that, for the sake of that hope, for the sake of the vision of something better, Levi will stay by Erwin’s side. Because it’s what Levi’s always wanted to do, to fight for the hopes and dreams of others, to fight to make the lives of other people better, and Erwin has shown him the way to do so. He shows Levi that Furlan and Isabel didn’t die for a “worthless game”, but for the sake of all human kind, and that’s why Levi is able to let go of his anger towards Erwin and follow him. And that really feeds into Levi’s need, later on, for every soldier’s death to carry meaning. If he can believe Furlan and Isabel died for a truly important reason, he can accept it and cope with his grief. Like Isabel expressed herself before, these people genuinely believe their cause is worth dying for, and Erwin reminds Levi of this again.

So he forgets his anger and pain, and chooses instead to follow Erwin, and dedicate himself to the cause of humanity’s salvation.

The final panels of the manga are incredibly moving, with Levi slowing down behind Erwin and Mike, and glancing back one last time to where he lost his two, best friends, before looking away and riding on, as the sun shines through the clouds. Like one, final acknowledgment of their lives together, and the sacrifice they made, before committing himself fully to his new life ahead.

10. Prologue

Just a small note on the prologue. It opens up with Furlan and Isabel and Levi sitting beneath the only, real source of sunlight in the Underground, watching the birds in the sky. Isabel wonders where they’re going, and Furlan answers “Far away... They can fly even beyond the walls. To Places we couldn’t go eve with those machines.” Isabel smiles, and says “Got that right! Just you wait! I’ll go with you someday.”, while Levi looks up into the sky, silent. This is only further proof of how Furlan and Isabel both expressed their dream of someday making it on the surface, of achieving freedom from the prison of the Underground, and how Levi would sit and listen to them say things like this. We see shots of just how grim and harsh the Underground really is here, with people lying passed out and sick in the streets, the pervasive, overwhelming darkness, and just overall depressing atmosphere. It’s the kind of place that, clearly, robs people of their will to live. Of any kind of hope. It’s important to note that Levi himself never expresses any such dream, or desire. He never voices that he wants to make it to the surface. This is Furlan’s and Isabel’s dream, their hope, and Levi hears it from them seemingly often. Probably, because of how hard his life has been, Levi’s never even considered it a real possibility, and so never even entertained the idea of it becoming real. But for Furlan and Isabel, he was willing to try. He went to the surface for them, to try and make their dream a reality.

#shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #No Regrets #acwnr #a choice with no regrets #Levi Ackerman #Furlan Church #Isabel Magnolia #Erwin Smith #snk analysis #meta #thoughts

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