#time will tell if it brings any new blood into dls

[nascentwaves]

Nothing of importance was really announced at the WCS last night, unless you're an avid DLs player I guess. Ah well, there's still hope for a new singleplayer game to pop up in the next few months I suppose.

[swiftfootedachilles]

@mickeysgaymom OK SO WELCOME TO TODAYS INSTALLMENT OF ACHILLES THE PLAYWRIGHT. THE GANG FAKES A DEATH AGAIN!! this is long so under the cut it goes!!

one of the disappointments for me regarding s10&11 is that they totally dropped mickeys cartel storyline. like the only time its even alluded to is when mickeys being racist (toward the Mexican family living with the Gallaghers & him throwing a fucking tortilla on the ground to "make it look like Mexicans" robbed the bike shop...) but i cant imagine a drug cartel not even trying to track down someone that rolled on them. so yes i think it makes sense for mickey to fake his own death to lose some heat. obviously this would be similar to the frank plotline in s1e6&7. sorry if that sounds like ~recycling stories~ believe it or not different characters can experience the same things.

so anyway this would definitely need to be a lot more planned out and involving more people than s1. the cops would definitely need to be in on it. cue everyones fav corrupt cop: tony!!! yes i would 1000% bring tony back for this storyline. we need more than just rookie cop/bartender carl, and i imagine tony could be easily persuaded (bribed) to help out some old friends. i imagine hed gone up in rank since we last saw him in s6, which makes his cooperation even more important.

ok. phase 1: the plan. stage a murder scene somewhere mickey usually isnt at (it would be pretty odd if mickey got murdered in their apartment and then he showed back up a month later.) tony finds ian and breaks the news. im very sorry mr gallagher but i need you to come with me. theyve found a body in the Cap Sauers Holding Nature Preserve and we'd like you to come with us to identify the body. sorry ian but mickey knows youre a bad actor and didnt tell you ahead of him that his plan to get the cartel off his back included faking his death because the body cam footage wouldnt be believable at all!! bring ian and the rest of the immediate family to the precinct to meet a disguised mickey in the basement and get the dl on whats going on give statements

sorry for scaring you! i love you! no i couldnt have told you, mr play what cool, you wouldve blown the whole plan immediately! dont ask where i got the cadaver from! btw tell liam and carl i owe them big time

the story. some old friend of terrys heard the milkovich queer was moving back to the southside and wasnt too happy. him and his buddies grabbed mickey while he was walking to the L, drove him to a secluded area, and shot him with a pistol+silencer. liam an anonymous eyewitness called in the kidnapping this morning from a payphone. sandy's old fling a UIC criminology student was jogging in the reserve when she saw a shoe and what she believed to be fresh drag marks in the wet grass off the walking path. she followed it to find a gruesome scene. carl's old partner was one of the first on the scene and recognized him from the alibi. blah blah blah okay time to start phase 2.

phase 2: the funeral. this would be the most similar to s1, except with a cadaver instead of raw meat. the wake could be at the gallagher house like before (if they still own it) or they could p easily pay off a small funeral home to hold a little service. as silly funny goofy it would be to see mickey pretend to be dead like frank did, i imagine that if any cartel members did come, theyd want proof. it would be pretty suspicious if they went to cut off an ear and the body started gushing blood, so cadaver lookalike it is! makeup and maybe even prosthetics to make the body look believable. in my head, i imagine a scene of a couple cartel members coming to "pay their respects" only to find a closed casket wake. they try to "get one last look at our uhh old friend from jail" but the mourning family doesnt want to see mickeys injuries (they're scared shitless that mandy and debbies collective makeup skills arent believable enough) until a fight breaks out and the cartel guys knock over the casket. to their surprise, out rolls mickey milkovich with a hole in his head! awkward silence. debbies award winning acting skills save the day by leading the gallaghers and (very few) milkoviches in getting upset, crying and yelling at the men for "ruining a beautiful service to remember a beautiful man!!" the cartel guys awkwardly put "mickey" back in the casket and reset the scene, whispering in Spanish to each other, bickering about what the fuck they're gonna do now, before one of them decides to quickly cut off an ear, shoving it in his pocket, and closing the casket. they apologize and are forced out of the funeral home by a wave of screeching and kinda-shittily-fake-sobbing gallagher-milkoviches. the guys get their hands on crime scene photos and the body cam footage and decide yeah this bitch is dead. they have the body cremated and scattered in "mickeys favorite place" the lake for obvious reasons

phase 3: cleaning up the tracks. dont tell anyone who doesnt need to know. and DEFINITELY dont tell anyone who cant keep their mouths fucking shut. keep funeral VERY lowkey. if the wrong person hears about mickeys death and then sees him walking around totally alive later, things will get MESSY. no obituary in the paper, nothing posted on social media. take this shit to the GRAVE. NOBODY can know of this fake death plot.

as for the murder part of this? doesnt even go to trial. the idiot cops cant find the perps. just another example of negligent pigs unable to do their job. mickeys just gotta lay low and should probably finally get that last name changed. personally i love the idea of gallavich having a hyphenated last name but i think for the sake of mickeys safety, he should just drop the milkovich altogether.

ok thats pretty much it. end of episode. bye

[bigbadripley]

Chapter 13 - The Way

Marc Spector/Steven Grant x Female!OC

Summary: Marc never expected to see his childhood friend Simone ever again. To Simone, Marc may as well have been dead. However, when Simone met Steven 15 years after Marc disappeared, she couldn’t help but notice how familiar he was.

⚠️ 18+ | 2kish Words | Third-person omniscient | Dark?fic/Fluff? | AU/AT |

Warnings: Heavy language, OC with religious trauma, childhood trauma, sexual trauma, the effects of this in adulthood, smut mention, blood mention, established relationship, maybe some typos,  **Fluff is not my strong suit but these guys need a quick break before the coming chapters ;)

A/N: I update warnings with each chapter. Only proceed if you can handle the themes included in the warnings. I wrote this entirely as a trauma dump.

Minors DNI, DL;DR, if I miss a warning, please let me know.

Chapter list 

"It's the way you walk, the way you talk, babe It's the way you love, the way you fuck, the way It's the way you are, you're a star, babe" -"The Way" by Kehlani

 It's incredible how the world can skew the perception of your own thoughts and memories. How you can grow up being told by everyone in your life that you're a liar or misremembering details of events and, in turn, develop a sort of imposter syndrome. 

This was the case for Simone. She had spent her life surrounded by nonbelievers and manipulated to the point where she didn't fully accept if she remembered things correctly or not. In the grand scheme of things, this was both a blessing and a curse.

She brushed off Jake the Taximan as one of these events where she thought something happened, and it didn't happen exactly how she felt it did. While in that taxi, she was positive that that man had shared a face and body with her companion. Thinking back, she assumed she was just drunk and exhausted. 

As time passed, it became more apparent that this had to be the case. The more time Simone spent with Marc and Steven, the more she swatted the idea away like a fly buzzing in her ears. She knew she would sound crazy bringing up the taxi driver, who may or may not have looked like Marc if he spoke fluent Spanish from New York, so she dismissed the thought entirely. 

In the circumstance of Marc and Steven, however, they were none the wiser to Jake the Taximan and would have never assumed he was the cause of their blackouts and lost time unless Simone brought it up first. They kept those events to themselves still, afraid of how she may react, and began to keep up with them when they were the most frequent to make any crucial plans during those times. 

This meant Monday nights, Friday nights, and Saturday mornings were all Simone's.  

On this particular Tuesday morning, her alarm blasted from under her pillow, telling her to get up and ready for work. Just as she was awoken by it, Steven took the liberty of silencing it before she could get to it. 

"What a beautiful day to take sick leave." He said sleepily. Simone snickered,

"Yeah, right, and postpone all of my appointments out for the rest of the week and keep me in the office longer. Not a chance." She responded sarcastically. 

Steven groggily propped himself up on his elbow and admired her as she stretched her body, head pushed back into the pillow with arms extended above her, breasts fully exposed. He checked the time on her phone again, knowing she had an extra 10 minutes to laze around before she had to rush and get ready. He took advantage. 

"Let's start your day off right then, yeah?" He spoke as he pulled the covers over his head and snaked down her body. It was her turn for morning oral, but they didn't typically do this on work days. This fact did little to cause her to protest. 

 Once the morning escapades concluded, Simone was left with only enough time to brush her teeth and take a quick shower to freshen up before dressing and giving them a kisses goodbye.

The commute to work was shorter from Marc and Steven's place, so she arrived at the office with nearly 3 minutes to spare before her first appointment. She got her coffee pot started and glanced at the whiteboard calendar above it, feeling nauseated at the big red circle smack in the middle of the month as always before her eyes drifted to a sticky note in the corner that read:

Call Maxine.

Simone decided she would do that during her lunch break. 

After Simone left for work, Steven and Marc began to argue over the urgency of telling her about their lost time. Steven was pro-tell, and Marc was anti-tell, at least for now, as he would defend. 

"I want her around just as much as you do, but what if she's here one night, and we black out? If this is anything like those times before..." He trailed off, assuming the worst. The thought brought back the times when he would suddenly snap back to reality surrounded by ravaged bodies covered in blood. He feared that same fate for Simone.

Marc knew the risk, but if he lost Moni again, he feared he would lose his mind along with her. Steven was confused over why Marc was suddenly the less rational one. How he could sit back and keep this to himself was beyond him, seeing as Marc's always been more protective. 

"We can't assume that. We have this thing pretty well figured out. We just have to stick to it." Marc popped back in to say. "Besides, when was the last time we had a situation like that?" 

"Cairo, I know. We can't hide it forever, though, Marc! She will find out eventually." 

"Then we need to get this figured out first. You saw how weirded out she was when it was just you and me. I won't lose her again."

 Later in the evening, after a more thorough shower than the one from that morning, Simone put on her lounging clothes and enjoyed having the apartment to herself until she eventually broke and went back to see her best boys. From there, she got comfortable, ate dinner with them, and had a spike in creativity that led to her pulling out a notepad and scribbling words like she used to.

"I'm surprised you didn't become a writer to some degree," Marc told her, leaning down to reach over her shoulder and place kisses behind her ear. "Though, I'm not surprised that you're a doctor either. Shocked it's for the brain and not the body." he finished, sitting beside her. Simone looked up from the pad,

"Why do you say that?"

"Because you were always fascinated with human anatomy." He said, eyes grazing over the words she had written down so far. It was just as he remembered: comparing intimacy to silk sheets and body parts to candy. Simone smirked, 

"It's called having an unhealthy relationship with your body, others' body, and sex. Growing up, being told you can't even think about those things because they're bad. Leads to being tempted and damn near obsessed but feeling guilty about actually doing it and staying a virgin until you're 21 years old." She explained it as it was explained to her before, long ago, by other people who experienced the same.

"I guess you really only know that because you're a head doctor," Marc pointed out, assuming she learned that from her studies. The conversation begged another question that had been on his mind. "So, uh, who had the pleasure?" 

"Pardon?"

"Who took your virginity? I've been curious."

Simone was amused by the question, realizing it never came up in conversation. She'd told him about her exes and experiences, but her first time was never something she thought to explain. In fact, she imagined the affair would probably cause him to ask questions she didn't know the answers to. Still, she trucked on. 

"My roommate in uni, actually. Her name was Trina." She said, doing her best to hold back the rouge that demanded to rise to her cheeks. Marc's eyes widened, 

"Simone Alejandra Fredrick, I had no idea you swung that way." He gasped in disbelief. 

"I didn't know if I did at the time, actually. Trina did, and she had a very similar experience as me with her family and got me into a support group she was in for it. Essentially, it was for the sake of helping me out of the mindset that these things were bad. She made me comfortable." Simone explained. 

Marc got the answer he wanted in a completely different way than he had pictured. He was comforted by the knowledge that she could handle things her way and figure herself out away from the things that wanted to harm her. 

Simone interrupted his thoughts. "I showed you mine; you show me yours." 

"I was 19, in the Army. Her name was Sarah, and that's all I remember." Marc explained with a shrug. Simone met his shrug with her own, thinking about how well he kept her in his mind, not the unknown Sarah. 

"We're two very different people now, huh?" She asked, knowing the obvious answer. Marc didn't have to reply, but he took her free hand into his. He wanted to bring up everything happening and realized that there may not be a better opportunity than right then. 

"There's something I've been meaning to tell you."

"What's that?" She asked, keeping her eyes on his face. Marc felt the words on his tongue and knew how easy it would be just to say it-

I've been losing time and blacking out. I need your help. 

But they held onto his teeth, refusing to move like sticky caramel candy. He pictured her bright eyes suddenly melting into disappointment or fear, and he just couldn't do it. What came out instead seemed easier to explain. 

"It's about Chicago. I was at that bar you went to, specifically sitting at the bar. You touched my back and called me handsome. I was too chickenshit to say anything." He blurted, trying to make it seem like a big deal. The nervous thumping of his heart disappeared once he had the wrong confession out into the open.

You nearly had it, mate. Fuck. Steven thought as he watched behind the eyes.

"Oh my god, I knew it! Ericka said I was losing my damn mind!" Simone exclaimed excitedly, pulling her hand from his and thinking back to the time and how she believed it all wrong. This made her question what other things may have been brushed off or second-guessed throughout her life, but Marc spoke back up.

"Speaking of, since when did you hang out with Ericka?" 

"Baby, after you left, Ericka was the only person who treated me like a human being. Then we got into some trouble and were separated, but that's a whole other story."

"Tell me about it."

Simone took the time to explain all the mischief she got up to with Ericka before being sent to her uncle's house. Much of what she explained surprised Marc, as he didn't know Moni to get up to much of the stuff she did after he left. She was always a bit rebellious but clearly held back what she wanted to do in his presence. He was always a good boy, after all. 

 Tuesday nights were not Simone nights. She always went back home until Friday night, but this time, she stayed a little later than intended and fell asleep with them. Marc and Steven made the mistake of letting her. 

Simone was startled awake by a shuffling in the dark of the flat. She felt around the other side of the bed, searching for the other body that was meant to be there but felt nothing. She sat up, and as her eyes adjusted in the dark, she saw him putting on clothes.

"Marc?" She asked the shadow, wondering why he would be up this late. He pivoted around to face her as he buttoned his pants and cocked his head,

"You really gotta stop calling me that, Chi-town."

[energonbunny]

VENOM 2 SPOILERS READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

I got to see V2 today and here are some of my very Important notes:

-During an argument about what V can eat, Eddie responds that the two chickens they have in their apartment have brains and Venom goes “I MOST PASSIONATELY DISAGREE!”

-Venom also refuses to eat the chickens because they’re “friends” with each other

-The tire swing is there for Venom to bite when he gets really mad

-The holes in the ceiling are from 1. V+E chilling on the couch in the Venom suit and standing up and punching a hole through the ceiling with their head 2. Venom shoving Eddie into the ceiling

-Eddie literally grabs on to Venom’s goo and manhandles him. Venom allows this to an extent

-Venom grooms Eddie on their way to see Anne

-”Eddie, I apologize I cannot mend the heart” and then two seconds later “Must pull up your big boy pants and suck it up”

-so Eddie is still going around talking to himself and doesn’t even really bother too much with explaining it or hiding it

-This convo: Venom: YOU SUCK Eddie: *walks into the prison and to the guard stand* You suck! Guard Lady: Excuse me?! Eddie: ... Yeah, I don’t have an explanation for that

-”This is a ME thing and not a WE thing“ (which unless is in the comic I think is just a fanon thing? so that’s great)

-Eddie and Venom are arguing so Venom forces Eddie to just type ‘dik dik dik dik dik’ on his computer

-Eddie lying on the floor after chasing Venom out of him and smiling because Peace but then he hears smashing and yelling and looks out the window to see Venom destroying his bike lmao

-”SAYONARA” venom yells as he flicks Eddie off with an extended arm out of the new meat suit he hitched to

-”What would Venom do?” Eddie asks himself when he finds out Cletus has gotten out. I need #WWVD to start trending

-During the festival a woman in a mask says “Hello, gorgeous” to V and he responds “Sorry, no, not my type!”

-So during the festival there is a lady singing the song VENOM up on a stage and Venom literally hears his name called and looks dead at her as she keeps repeating the word and he thinks she’s calling him up to the stage. Like... that’s why he fucking goes up there lmao he thinks she’s inviting him up there

-Venom takes the mic from her and stands there for a few seconds and goes “Oh, shit...” because he doesn’t know what to say lmao

-What he says during his little speech at the very beginning literally makes it sound like Eddie has made him keep their relationship on the DL because they’re gay and in the closet and the crowd is appropriately horrified

-”I wish you could have seen me tonight, Eddie” MY HEART

-Eddie takes the chickens and abandons them in like a fountain area?? For some reason?? And has like a “you know this would have never worked out” moment with them, obviously in place of a missing Venom

-So Cletus gives Frances a warning before he reveals Carnage because he doesn’t want her to get scared and C+C bring out some tentacles and Frances goes “That is SO hot!” and honestly same girlie same

-We have actual confirmation that Venom did not need to tongue-fuck Eddie’s throat to go back to him after riding in Anne. In this movie Anne and Eddie hug and Venom transfers over! No kiss needed. Hell, I don’t think there was even any bare skin contact. I’m thriving

-This convo: Eddie: Looks like we’re going to a wedding Venom: Will there be canapes? Eddie: You bet your ass!

-A combined Venom+Eddie enter the church to confront Cletus and Frances. Cletus+Carnage combine and we get this winning conversation: Carnage: There you are! Death to you, Father! The priest that was kidnapped to marry C+F: NOOOOO Carnage: Not you, Father... *points to Venom* You, Father!

-Venom sees Carnage and immediately nopes out, leaving just Eddie. Carnage for some reason then does the same, leaving Cletus and Eddie just staring at each other. Eddie hits a new stage of grief as he tries to get Venom to come out again

-”OH YEAH” this is like the second koolaid man moment Venom has

-Venom and Eddie going in to fight Cletus and Carnage: Venom: Time to die! Eddie: That’s the spirit! Venom: I mean us, we are going to die!

-Venom and Eddie speaking in unison: TOGETHER WE ARE THE LETHAL PROTECTOR

-Just learning in general that Venom loves the idea of being a superhero and wants a superhero name very badly

-Dan and Anne forming like a pillar type thing for Venom to go into so he could then go out of them in time to beat Eddie to the bottom of the church floor and save him

-Eddie and Cletus having a Moment: Cletus: I wanted your friendship. Eddie: I’m sorry, Cletus. Venom, taking over again: FUCK THIS GUY *eats his head*

-Venom tells Dan to take care and then tells Eddie they didn’t really need him and he didn’t really help lmao

-The cop somehow has a symbiote?? Or idk Frances’ powers? I didn’t see him take in any blood so I am very confused but okay

-Eddie takes Venom to the park where he like left the chickens to have a Deep Talk and THE CHICKENS ARE STILL THERE?? It’s been at least a day if not more and by all appearances they’ve not left the grassy area

-Eddie goes to say “We are Venom” and Venom yells over him when he hits the “Ve” part

-Okay the ending has them on a beach. Like literally on a beach. Sitting on the sand watching the sunset together.

-VENOM HAS ENCAPSULATED EDDIE’S FEET AND IS WIGGLING HIS TOES IN THE SAND

-Venom quotes something that basically says ‘the people you love’ Eddie: Did you just say you love me? Venom: Uhm...

-Eddie making V very happy when V asks where they’ll go: Eddie: Anywhere that needs a lethal protector, I suppose Venom: OH YOU REALLY MEANT IT

-Venom’s head comes out of Eddie’s body and like the last shot is them both looking into the sunset

-There is a after credits sneak peak thing and it starts with a Spanish telenovela/soap and Venom is super into it

-This brought up by the stupid Spanish soap: Venom: We all have a past, Eddie Eddie: Are you hiding something from me???

-okay so technically Venom does say ILU first but Eddie I think shows it first because he puts aside what little hope he was clinging to of a Normal Life and staying on the Down Low so they’d be safe so he could instead travel around with Venom protecting people and making his symbiote happy

-like yeah we get that little scene where Venom makes Eddie breakfast but I think it’s partially because Anne said to take care of him and Venom is not the Best At It yet but he tries bless him

[everything-laito]

I know you mostly do analyses, but do you have any particularly unique headcanons about Laito? It can be anything, strange, obscure, sad, funny... I'm just curious to know some of the ideas you have about him, regardless of if they are actually backed by canon or not. Sorry if this question is maybe a bit too general. But I figured since you spend a lot of time analyzing him, you probably have a ton of ideas people haven't asked about. So here's your chance! I wanna know!

OOOOO omg thanks so much for giving me this opportunity, anon!!! It means a lot that you wanna know my thoughts like this! I have some crack headcanons and some legitimate ones, and some in between! 

When/if I have more that I make or remember, I’ll reblog this to add on probably too! 

Corn’s headcanons under the cut! (One is NSFW so just a warning)

- I’ve always found this interesting, but there doesn’t seem to be modern technology in the Sakamaki mansion. The only thing modern I’ve seen in any DL scene was probably Kino’s phone in Lost Eden and in some Tokutens. Considering Laito is a dork and loves crossword puzzles and plays darts and billiards, I love to imagine that he doesn’t know how to work around modern technology. Sure he’s smart as hell but I just love thinking about him being a boomer when it comes to that stuff hgalsdkjf 

- Idk if this is counts as a (crack) headcanon or not, but you’d have to be really careful to bring Laito on a picnic date or something. It would be really cute, but he doesn’t like bugs. But man I find his fear of bugs kinda cute not gonna lie hehe.

- I believe I have mentioned that I have a headcanon that he’d be a theater kid. Another anon also mentioned this a while back too, and I freaking LOVE that idea oh my god; here’s the original post developing on that too!

- Kinda another crack headcanon but we know Laito isn’t afraid of feminine things like he straight up has an entire closet of women’s clothing; I don’t think he clarified if it’s for himself or his partners _(:3 」∠)_ but he wore the Alice costume,,,, so I also think he has other ““feminine”” interests. Like I really wanna see him read Shoujo manga. I don’t think that would be ooc at all imo LOL

- Laito and Kou can do makeup; Kou more than Laito, but again. Laito has a cosplay/roleplay closet. Come on. We know he goes full into stuff.

- Which again all of this supports the Laito being a theater kid headcanon LOL! I also think he’d try to dress up Ayato (and maybe Kanato?) when they were kids aakdjsdjj

- I guess this is another crack headcanon cuz I love Laito’s dorky nature but I think he full on has a dictionary in his room somewhere for crossword puzzles when he can’t think of a word, just in case.

- I wanna think that he was already was afraid of spiders when he was a kid but it got worse when Ayato kept pranking him with bugs or telling Laito horror stories related to bugs lol

- As for the NSFW side of things that I haven’t seen mentioned before; I think he’s into some form of somnophilia akdkskjdsj but again he likes it when they resist. But kinda like a spider, his “prey” would wake up in the middle of whatever he was doing to them and he’d get his high off of them resisting then when it’s too late oops. However I don’t rly think of NSFW hcs too often

- I feel like some of the new girls (or maybe some boys heh) at school initially had a crush on him but then was deterred by other girls who were like “no don’t” (LOL now that I realize it, similar shit happened in college; I was one of the girls who was warning the freshmen)

- going off of that I think he (and probably every other diaboy going to that school) has a secret fan club. Kou’s is obviously the biggest but I definitely think there’s a group of girls (and maybe a boy or two) that don’t heed the Laito warnings. Maybe they put little letters in his locker or something. Regardless he’d know who they are after a short period of time. Would he do something? Probably not, he could get caught if he made any of them his actual vampire shenanigans victim. But subtlety tease them??? Maybe some more??? Oh you fuckin bet.

- After his first wave of feeling his true emotions (like in MB ecstasy) he didn’t know how to truly express them. So I think he’d definitely play the piano a lot afterwards. Is it a distraction or expressing himself? Or both? And did I get inspired by the DL fic, “The Days That’ll Never Come?” Yes. Yes I did. I also think that he writes his own songs. Some with lyrics, some without, but man, I think he could freeform like a mad lad. Since song lyrics are pretty much poetry, I think he has some poems lying around here and there. But poor thing doesn’t know how to properly take care of himself emotionally ;(

-This was confirmed in one of those 4 Koma manga for More,More Blood, but it came to no surprise that Laito went through stuff in the attic for blackmail on all his brothers lmaoooooo what a fucking troll I love this man. Going off of that he’d definitely pull pranks with Ayato. And some on Ayato lol.

- basically yeah I view Laito as a deep, artistic, internally depressed dork. Sure he’s into some sexual stuff obviously but I like talking about how he’s like/how he might be like when there’s not a sacrifice in the house :) I love talking about his dorky side too much tho omg

I think that’s all I could think of for now! Lol this took me a couple of weeks to compile haha, but thanks again for giving me the opportunity, anon! If I think of any more I’ll definitely add them :)

Have a lovely day!

~ Corn

[porschekittisawasds]

simply cannot believe i made a supernatural fic rec list in the year 2020 but here we are

When Worlds Collide

When Zachariah dies, the illusions he’s created die with him.  But before they collapse completely, sometimes they collide. That’s how Castiel goes from cradling Dean Winchester’s broken body one moment, to finding himself face to face with Dean Smith in the next.

note: basically endverse!cas’s world collapses right after endverse!dean is killed by lucifer and he gets thrown into the it’s a terrible life verse. drama and love and a whole lot of fuckery ensue. it’s tagged as major character death but it’s not really

Broadway Musical

This is the day that marked the Holy and Blessed Union of Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle.

The merging of prominent bloodlines is always a grand occurrence, but breeding pedigree hunter families like Winchester and Harvelle is something to be rejoiced. It is also something to be meticulously planned, which thankfully the Host is very good at.

note: an AU where dean and jo are destined to fall in love and have two sons who will bring on the apocalypse and be the vessels for michael and lucifer. only problem is cupid’s arrows don’t make them fall in love with each other and heaven promptly starts freaking the fuck out so cas slips into a vessel and tries to do some matchmaking to get the whole end of the world thing back on track. it’s tagged as unrepentant crack and that pretty much sums it up, but it’s also a very funny and enjoyable read

a turn of the earth

Dean’s your typical half-orphaned, monster-killing 22-year-old until a trenchcoated stranger crashes into his back windshield one September night, claiming he’s an angel that knows him from the future and that he’s on the run.

Frigging fantastic.

note: listen i LOVE a good time travel fic

How (thanks to Gabriel) Dean and Castiel (accidentally) raised each other (and Sam)

In which, Gabriel meddles with the time line and Castiel becomes Dean's angel rather sooner than intended.

note: after lucifer stabs gabriel in hammer of the gods, gabriel uses his very last bit of grace to travel back to the beginning of time and decree castiel the angel of thursdays and dean winchester. fast forward a few eons and castiel hears mary’s dying cry. he shows up too late to save her, but he decides that a human life is very short in the grand scheme of things so he can play guardian angel to dean (and by extension sam) while also fulfilling his duties to heaven. not only is this pretty much my favorite supernatural fic, it’s also one of my favorite fics in general

The Shattered One

When it struck Castiel, he was in mid-flight. It dropped him out of the sky like a sparrow buffeted by gale-force winds. Castiel set down the first place he could find. He ended up standing in a field in Switzerland, swaying on his feet and staring down at his body, dazed by what it had just done.

note: okay so listen. this is tagged as mpreg but that’s kind of a stretch imo. it’s not like... mpreg mpreg in the sense that it deals with angel reproduction and has nothing to do with sex or pregnancy. angel reproduction goes like this: a section of an angel’s grace will suddenly and randomly break off and begin to grow on it’s own. after a certain period of time, another angel has to offer a piece of their grace and the two pieces will combine to form a new angel. that new angel is a fully developed, fully functional angel and is considered a new brother/sister instead of an offspring.

cas’s grace shatters which means he’s fucked because this takes place in season 5 after he’s defied heaven. no other angel will offer up a piece of their grace so his own is basically going to rip itself apart, killing him in the process. when dean and sam find out cas is going to die, dean offers up part of his soul in place of another angel’s grace. what results is a new angel that has just enough human in it that it takes the shape of a human baby and sends pretty much all of their lives into a tailspin.

ALSO just a heads up this is definitely more pre-destiel despite the relationship tag. there’s a sequel where im pretty sure they do get together but i haven’t read it so i cant’s say for sure.

Kiss You When It’s Dangerous

When his partner Uriel, betrays him, Federal Agent Castiel Novak is saved from becoming a ritual sacrifice by brothers Dean and Sam Winchester.

note: FBI!cas gets thrown headfirst into the supernatural. tagged as major character death, but again it’s not really

My Roots Take Flight

After forty years in Hell, Dean’s more than willing to accept the offer: become a guardian angel and earn his freedom. But his new ward seems destined to hunt alongside Sam, and there are secrets in Heaven that the angels don’t want found out. Dean’s going to have to choose between his duty and the people he loves- and to work out just where Castiel fits in.

note: season 4 au where dean is an angel and cas is a human except it’s way more complicated than that

Peace and Good Luck To All Men

Christmas in the Milton household was difficult enough without the added complication of guests- and if Luke and Gabriel placing bets on who can get with Sam first wasn’t bad enough, then Cas developing a ridiculous crush on his sister’s boyfriend definitely is. 

note: the one where michael, lucifer luke, gabriel, anna and cas are all human siblings but michael and lucifer luke are still trying to kill each other, gabriel is still Like That and cas is still super into dean which is pretty inconvenient considering he’s with anna.

Asunder

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. (Matthew 19:6) 

note: it’s been a very long time since i read this, but from what i remember it’s an AU where they’re all human and dean brings his friend/co-worker cas as his “date” to sam and ruby’s wedding for moral support. when sam was in college, he met ruby and they started using drugs together. after several failed attempts at helping him get clean, dean eventually cut sam off and it’s been years since they’ve spoken. even though sam and ruby are now both sober, dean blames ruby for everything that happened and the only reason he’s even going to the wedding is because bobby and ellen basically force him to. again, it’s been years and years since i read this so i can’t remember a lot of the details, but i do know that despite this being a dean/cas fic a lot of the focus is dean rebuilding his relationship with sam and that’s what i remember really liking about it.

Hanged, Drawn, and Quartered

Death brings Sam back — sort of.

note: a general fic involving only sam and dean. sam’s soul is so damaged from its time in the cage that when death brings it back, it shatters into pieces and so does sam. like literally. there’s four different sams now, each representing a distinctive part of his personality. sounds cracky but it’s actually surprisingly angsty and focuses on how the sams and dean are adjusting to their new reality and each other

Point Pleasant

(okay so this fic was deleted but i’m putting in on here anyway because the author has since turned it into a novel and had it published. im sure old pdfs of the fic are floating around but i highly recommend reading the novel version. if you know it was based on a destiel fic then it’s really easy to see those influences in the writing and the characters but it can stand up on it’s own. also!!!! it has pretty much the coolest take on the mothman’s origin story that i’ve ever heard.)

Ben Wisehart (Dean Winchester) grew up in the idyllic town of Point Pleasant, West Virginia. An early encounter with the supernatural shaped his worldview and served as the catalyst for his career as a bestselling horror writer. Thirteen years after abandoning his home, Ben returns to the town to investigate the apparent reemergence of the terrifying creature responsible for his childhood nightmares. In Point Pleasant, Ben is confronted not only by the town’s resident monster, the Mothman, but also by his former best friend, Sheriff Nicholas Nolan (Cas Novak). Together, Ben and Nicholas (Dean and Cas) uncover the mystery of the monster in the woods and discover that the ghosts that haunt us are sometimes made of flesh and blood. And sometimes, they lead us home.

Sympathy for the Devil (and Dean Winchester)

this is not so much a rec as it is a request.

basically an au version of season 5 (and kind of the whole series really). when god cast lucifer out of heaven, he tore out his grace. lucifer’s grace was put into the cage, but lucifer himself fell to earth and spent thousands and thousands of years reincarnating as a human. his latest reincarnation? dean winchester. so when sam opens the cage, lucifer’s grace is released and dean realizes that he’s lucifer. part of him still kind of wants to start the apocalypse but the other part of him has a whole new appreciation for humanity considering he now remembers every human life he’s ever lived. it’s made more complicated by the fact that dean (/lucifer) doesn’t really want to tell anyone that he’s apparently the devil so he has to keep his now angel status on the dl and also because despite heaven wanting the apocalypse to start, michael went missing from heaven shortly after lucifer was cast out and no one has any idea where he’s at.

this fic was deleted, but if anyone happens to have a pdf copy let me know. i would be highly appreciative!

[dindjarriiin]

din djarin || spaceboy.

Request: Love your writing!! Can you write an imagine where the reader is kidnapped by some Empire sympathizers and used as bait to catch Mando and the child? They hurt her/try to get information out of her but Mando saves her and then bandages her up? Super fluffy and awesome? Thank you so much!

-

The metallic taste of blood filled ___’s mouth. She spat the crimson tar onto the cement floor in distaste, a weak chuckle leaving her dry lips as her head lolled back. “I gotta say,” She began, a light smirk on her face as she schemed. “You got a mean right hook.” Another punch to her stomach made her groan and lurch forward in the chair. The metal keeping her bound in said infernal chair was beginning to cut into her skin, the edges too clean and too sharp. “’s that all you got?” Blood shot out of her nose in a gruesome fashion as the fist slammed against her face.

“Your sarcastic wit will soon run thin, bounty hunter.” The cloaked man had yet to reveal his face, stood in the corner of the room amongst the shade and shadow. “At least by the time Rax is done with you.” Despite the dim lighting, ___ could see the yellow of his teeth as he grinned, even from where she was bound.

“Look, how many times have I gotta tell you? I don’t know anything about a Chil-” Rax knuckles collided with ___’s face yet again. The right side of her face had gone numb, but the hard blow didn’t make her head spin any less. “I’m telling you, you got the wrong gal.” Her voice was much weaker this time as her eyes trailed up and tried to look at the figure. 

“You have been seen with the Mandalorian and the Child on numerous occasions, bounty hunter. Do not try to deny your...involvement.” The crude smirk on his face was just visible, making a shiver run down ___’s spine. She gulped, leaning back into her chair once more as the cloaked figure began to pace in the shadows. “Our sources are never wrong. So you will tell me where the Child and that hunk of metal is or I will gut you like the feral beast you are.”

___ shook her head, a defiant smirk on her face as she looked into his soul. She didn’t need to see him to feel his surprise at her resilience. Blood trickled down her forehead, her lip split and bleeding too. One side of her face had already begun to swell, a nasty green colour beginning to flourish across her cheekbone; she looked like hell, yet still, she managed to hold her head up high. “I ain’t tellin’ you shit, old man.”

The cloaked figure appeared to let out a hum in what could only be described as faux-surprise. “I expected as much...” He sighed, readjusting his cloak. “Rax, do what you must. The Mandalorian will be here soon. Whether she remains alive or not, I do not care. It is not her that I want.” The figure began to leave the dilapidated room, the realization of the situation suddenly dawning on ___.

“Wait! Please! D-Don’t hurt him!” She cried out, arms tugging on the metal restraints. “Please.”

“Ah, so you do know him?” The figure turned, one shaft of light from a hole in the roof shining down on his face. ___’s face paled. Of course. She should have known that voice.

“You...” She whispered, eyes trained on him intently as she swallowed her fear. “What do you want from it, huh? It’s just a kid.” The Client laughed, humoured by her questioning.

“Why is it that you bounty hunters simply cannot just keep your mouths shut?” The Client asked mockingly, eyes squinting down at ___ with assured malice which she could feel from her chair. It seemed to pierce into her skin and sting her insides sharply. 

“He isn’t going to come after me, you know?” ___ called out as The Client turned once more to leave. “He’s got no idea where I am.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure of that, dear.” The Client taunted. The sudden distant sound of gunfire only made his grin widen. “It appears he is as stupid as I thought.”

“Look, there are other ways we can sort this out, just don’t hurt him h-”

“Your Mandalorian broke the code and stole what was mine. And for that, he will pay with his life.” He hissed, spit flying from his mouth. “As will you...” The Client left without another word, leaving ___ alone in the room with the looming Rax, who smiled down at her in excitement as he cracked his knuckles.

-

Din was panicked. He hadn’t felt this panicked since his last gunfight which nearly ended up with him dead. A cold sweat had formed on his forehead, his heavy breathing fogging up his visor. Where was she? The Child remained in his ship, sleeping in his cot as Din traversed through the busy market on the seventh level of the Underworld. ‘I’m going to the market.’ she had told him with a smile. ‘I think it’s time for a new blaster. I won’t be long.’

It had been two hours. The Underworld itself was a dangerous place, but Din knew ___ could handle a simple pickpocket or drunkard. A feeling in his gut told him something bad had happened.

Pushing through multiple bodies in the dimly lit level, he finally noticed a stall adorned with numerous weapons; blasters, staffs, blades. A lone Clawdite manned it, trying to entice as many customers as he could, though was often met with disinterest. Din, however, flocked to his call immediately.

“You. Have you served a woman recently? Human. ___ hair and ___ eyes?” Din asked almost desperately, though luckily his helmet softened his desperation. The Clawdite seemed to think for a moment, hand on its scaly chin as he pondered.

“Oh, why yes I have! After a DL-44 she was, haggled me down to a measly 700 credits too! The gall on that one, but I must say she was very convincing, she would have had me head if-”

“Do you know where she went?” Din interjected, already tired of the incessant rambling of the merchant.

“Well, as a matter of fact I do...But it will cost ya!” He exclaimed with a grin. Din rolled his eyes before deciding that he didn’t really have any other choice. He could be roaming this place for hours before he found her.

“What’s your price?” He asked through gritted teeth.

The Clawdite pretended to think for a moment, humming to himself before almost leaping over the counter as he pointed to Mando’s waist. “That blaster on ya belt.” Din subconsciously touched it, frowning at the thought of parting with it. There was nothing particularly grand about the blaster itself, in fact, it was quite a poor model. But what made it so special was the fact that ___ had given it to him.

“This blaster?” His question was met with an enthusiastic nod. “And you’ll tell me where she went?” The Clawdite nodded once more, holding his hand out with desperate excitement. “Fine.” Din grumbled, placing the blaster into his hand. The Clawdite exclaimed in glee, jumping on the spot as he admired the metal object. “Hey- you said you’d tell me where she went.” 

“Oh, yes!” The Clawdite pulled his gaze from the blaster for a moment to look at Din. “There were a few stormtroopers and a mean lookin’ Barabel. Snatched her right up. Caught wind of them talkin’ about a client after they knocked her out.”

“And you didn’t stop them?”

“It’s the Underworld, m’boy. Kidnappin’ and the likes are just a part of livin’ down ‘ere.” The Clawdite dismissed, attention falling back onto his new blaster. “That’s all I can tell you I’m afraid.” 

Din let out a growl, kicking the stand in anger as thoughts of what The Client would do to her filled his mind. He couldn’t let anything happen to her. Not now. With newfound determination, he made his way back to his ship, and set course for the place where it all started.

-

“So, Rax...You’re a merc I take it?” ___ began to rattle off nervously, attempting to buy herself some time. She prayed to the Maker that it wasn’t Din out there making all that racket. The remnants of the Empire were sneaky. They had snatched her when she was alone, far from Din and the Child. A simple refuel gone to shit in a matter of seconds; one minute she was walking down the markets of Coruscant, the next she was bound to a metal chair and being beaten by a half-wit. 

“No more talking.” Rax growled out, edging closer to her. “Now you bleed-”

“Hey, wow, Rax. Let’s just think about this, okay?” She smiled shakily up at the tall Barabel who had already poised his fist ready to lay another punch on her. Her hands felt around the edge of the cuffs for anything, fingers finally settling on a screw which wiggled under her grip. Idiots, she thought. “You’re a merc, right? Which means you can be bought?” Rax’s head tilted at this, ___’s eager smile and talk of credits distracting him for the time being.

“Empire pays me good.” He snapped out of his intrigue for a moment, punching ___ round the face yet again. Her tongue traced her bleeding lip, blood beginning to drip down onto her shirt. Her patience was running thin, but her fingers couldn’t work any faster as she tried to unscrew the damned screw. The sound of gunfire drew nearer.

“But there is no Empire, Rax. Not anymore. You know that.” She spoke to the reptile as if he were a child, but somehow she knew this was the way to get through to him. “The Empire have nothing, and The Client,” ___ laughed. “He’s not got enough credits for the clothes on his back let alone your paycheck.” Rax frowned at this, the grey scales of his brow contorting. “They are gonna cut you off, Rax. And you’ll be left...with nothing.”

Rax thought for a moment; long and hard. But something stirred within him. “You lie!” He roared, bringing his fists up above his head, ready to smash down onto to ___’s skull. But before he could lay the lethal blow, ___ felt the cuffs detach from the chair, allowing her to leap from her seat and onto the floor.

It took Rax a moment to realize he hadn’t just squashed ___ into thin air, giving her time to leap onto her feet, all the while her hands remained bound behind her back. The Barabel was overcome with a newfound rage as he looked at the woman before him, hot air almost steaming out of his nostrils. ___’s eyes widened as he plucked a dagger from his thigh, blade twinkling in the shaft of light. “Now, now, Rax... Let’s not do anything- rash!” ___  managed to dodge the first swipe, leaping on her tiptoes to the other corner of the room. “Rax, calm down...” 

“Stop talking!” Rax yelled, pure rage in his eyes as he bounded towards ___. Thinking on her feet, ___ ran partially along the wall, pushing off just as Rax charged at her and kicking him in the face. She breathed out as he fell to the floor, but her face quickly fell as he stumbled back up again. 

“Oh, shit-” Her grumble was cut off as Rax swung his dagger violently, ___ bending almost backwards as she tried to avoid it. At one point her foot caught a loose rock, making her lose her balance. In the time it took her to regain it, Rax had taken a swipe and caught her cheek, the searing pain making her grunt. “Did I ever tell you how dumb the name Rax is?” She hissed, thoroughly pissed now. 

The insult only fueled Rax’s rage more, and she only just managed to roll out of the way of his fury. “Stop moving!” His voice tore through the walls as he threw the dagger in anger.

___ yelled out in pain as it lodged itself into her shoulder. She looked down at the hilt and then back to Rax, who seemed to admire his aim with smugness. Glaring at the Barabel, ___ took the leather-wrapped hilt in between her teeth, pulling it out in one swift tug. A strained groan left her mouth as the sensation rippled through her, but she kept her focus. Her tongue manoeuvred the dagger so that it faced forward, her teeth clenching down hard. “Come on, big boy.” She spat, words muffled slightly by the weapon in her mouth.

Rax seemed shocked, eyes wide as he processed her words before he returned to his natural pissed mindset. With a low grunt, Rax started to charge towards ___ who stood her ground, waiting until he was only a few feet in front of her before swinging her leg around, boot smashing into the side of his head.

He fell to the ground with a discombobulated groan, head dizzy. In the time it took him to process what was going on, ___ had straddled him. "W-Wha- ah!" Rax yelled as ___ brought the dagger down into his eye, pushing with her mouth until his body fell limp.

The sound of a blaster hitting the ground made her head snap up, eyes falling on none other than the Mandalorian. "Din," She beamed, shakily standing up and running over to him. Din caught her in his arms, holding her to his chest as he basked in her being. "Din, you shouldn' have come. It's a trap." She breathed out, energy depleted entirely as the pain from her injuries finally began to surface.

Din took notice of the slight slur of her words and gripped her arms, pulling her back so he could take in her injuries. His gloved hand ghosted over the cut on her left cheek, his other hand gently caressing the bruised and swollen right side. Blood had crusted in her hair, a lone trickle which had dropped down the side of her head now brown as it dried. His thumb traced her lip, still bleeding. He wouldn't have noticed the wound on her shoulder if it weren't for the red which seeped into the white of her shirt. "You're hurt."

He knew how dumb that sounded, but it's all he could fathom. ___ chuckled, relishing in his tender touch. "You should see the other guy." Oh, I have, he wanted to say. But no words came out. He just smiled in relief behind his visor as he took in the sight of her, as beaten and dishevelled as she may be. A soft silence fell over them as they took a minute to take in each other, the fact that they both stood alive being quite a miracle. The sound of distant yelling, however, brought them from their admiring. ___ turned, flashing her conjoined hands to Din, fingers wiggling for emphasis. “Get me outta these things, huh, spaceboy?”

Din got to work immediately; fiddling with his micro-probe until the cuffs dropped loose from her wrists and onto the floor. ___ smiled up at him, taking in her newfound mobility before throwing her arms around his broad shoulders, this time able to hug him back. Her head nestled within the crook of his helmet and shoulder only momentarily before Din pulled -albeit reluctantly- away. “Come on, we should be able to get back to the ship without them seeing us.” He poked his head out the door, scanning the carnage outside the small hut they were currently in. ___ was quick to follow until she skidded to a halt in front of him. “___, what are you doing?” 

“My blaster,” She exclaimed, returning back to Rax’s body which lay dormant on the floor. With a heave, she managed to roll the mass over, fishing out her DL-44 from the back of his trousers. “Aha!”

Din wouldn’t admit that he found the action incredibly endearing, instead, he masked it with an impatient wave of his hand, beckoning her over. “We need to hurry before they get reinforcements.”

“It’s the shitstains of the Empire, they don’t have reinforcements.” ___ scoffed, walking straight past Din and out into the open. Din stood still, watching in disbelief as she turned the corner, only for her to casually return in a matter of seconds. “Okay, so they have reinforcements...” 

-

“Ow! Ow! Ow! Easy on the stabbing there, Din.” She hissed as Din pulled the needle through her skin for the fourth time. “You know maybe if you took the gloves off it would be easier?”

Din sighed, head tilting in a way that ___ knew he was raising his eyebrow at her. She returned his gaze with an eyebrow raise of her own, the usual battle of stubbornness commencing. As usual, ___ won. Din slipped off his gloves, placing them neatly next to the med box before picking up the needle again. ___ was silent this time as he stitched up her cheek with much more ease and practice. “You’re burning holes into my head, ___.” Din said without even glancing away from the needle and thread.

___ hummed, not particularly ashamed in being caught staring; it was just his visor after all. She liked to imagine what he looked like. She had a vague idea, from what he had told her. That, and she had traced every inch of his face with both her fingers and her lips. She just couldn’t help but picture it; morphing each time she glanced away into another form. Her favourite was the image of him she imagined fleetingly; dark hair and darker eyes. “I like it when you take your gloves off.” She said softly, still looking straight into him. “Your hands are the only part of you I can touch without closing my eyes.” Her smile was gentle, but also sad. Din knew she didn’t resent him for his religion. She supported him in every way, but he knew how hard it was for her not to look him in the eye, not when he had that privilege himself. He longed for her to look into his eyes and see the way he looked at her, with so much love and adoration...not that he would ever admit to that. 

He snipped the thread after finishing up the stitch, putting the scissors and needle down onto the table next to them both. He watched her for a moment, staring right back at her before his bare hand reached up to her bruised cheek. She relished in his touch, cancelling out the light pain the pressure caused and closed her eyes, but only for a moment. They opened when he brought his other hand up to wipe away the dried blood from her nose and lip, tenderly dabbing the areas with a damp cloth, all whilst keeping his hand on her cheek.  After a few moments of peace, Din awkwardly muttered: “...you should get some grog on that cut.”

___ groaned dramatically, standing up from her chair and hauling herself to the other side of the ship where the cot hovered. “Way to ruin the moment, spaceboy.” She teased, smirking to herself as Din quickly put away the medical supplies in a flurry. He always reached the point where it was too much and his rational thoughts and senses flew out the window and into the vast nothing of space. ___ did that to him. “How’s the kid been, anyway?” She said, changing the subject so he wouldn’t get too embarrassed. The cot opened with a hiss to reveal the sleeping creature, blissfully unaware of the shameless (on ___’s end, at least) flirting going on outside the steel doors between his parents. 

“He’s been asleep the whole day,” Din informed her from across the ship as he placed the medkit back in its rightful place. “good thing too, he would’ve been a handful if he realized you were missing.” ___’s finger traced the soft green skin gently as a warm smile graced her face. Din watched in awe at her tenderness towards the green baby, and found a smile of his own reaching his face. “___,” Her head instinctively turned, but it immediately whipped back as she noticed his hands on the bottom of his helmet, ready to take it off. He didn’t need to tell her to close her eyes, she knew, even before the hiss his helmet made when he took it off, or the clunk that echoed as he placed it on the table. Even before his footsteps slowly made their way towards her and the baby, and even before his bare hand lightly touched her neatly bandaged shoulder. 

He guided her to face him by lightly gripping her chin, entirely at his mercy as she turned away from the baby. She could feel the heat from his breath, her hands instinctively moving to cup his cheeks, basking in the warmth of flesh beneath her fingertips. Soft tendrils of hair tickled her fingers as she moved her hands down and to the back of his neck. “What’s my prognostic, doc?”

Her jest made Din chuckle, a glorious sound that wasn’t masked by his visor. It was a warm sound, not the robotic jargon that usually came out, and ___ could feel it against her chest. “I’d say you’ve had one helluva ass-kicking; busted lip, busted nose, stab wound on the shoulder and cheek,” he listed teasingly, enjoying the laugh that escaped ___’s lips. “But I think you’ll pull through.” He said, much softer this time. ___ wanted to open her eyes, to be able to see the warm smile that adorned his face as he looked down at her. But for now, she could settle for the softness of his lips as they met hers, mindful of her cut. 

His hands tightened around her waist, pulling her closer to his chest as hers wrapped around his neck entirely so that their bodies were as close as they could possibly be. Din allowed the kiss to deepen, the affection being lacking as of late due to the influx of near-death experiences and quick getaways. He only pulled away when he could feel himself getting lost, a groan leaving his mouth as ___ traced his lip with her tongue and pulled on the hair at the nape of his neck. “Thanks for saving me back there, spaceboy.” She whispered against his lips, foreheads touching each other. 

Din laughed quietly, smile wide as he pressed another kiss to her lips. “Seems to me that you didn’t need saving.” ___ shrugged her shoulders, acting coy as she debated his reply.

“Mmm...Maybe,” Din shook his head at her antics with a grin. “But it sure as hell beat bein’ stuck out there alone.” She sighed in content as she rested her head against his chest, Din’s chin settling on the top of her head as they held each other close. “Besides, these scars will make me look badass.” Din breathed out a laugh into her hair. “Hey! Don’t laugh at me! I killed a Barabel with, might I add, my hands bound!” She protested, pulling away so she could frown up at him, eyes still closed which only made the situation more humorous to Din. “I tell ya, the things I put up with for you, spaceboy...”

[agentwallflower]

Supernova 16

Bad news, I didn’t get any writing done!

Good news, I’m halfway through 16! Let the good times keep rolling... until I run out. Then I’m in trouble.

Anyway, life sucks. I am a bad caregiver and an even worse student of the arts. All I want to do is sleep, but there are pants that need washing and cans that need cleaning. Please let me sleep...

Good news though, I finished editing my other novel. Now it’s time to let my readers read it to tell me what I did wrong and the countless things that need fixing. Can’t you tell I’m thrilled?

...

Right. Anyway, next chapter goes up February 6. I’m going to go sit down until I have to get dinner ready. Then I gotta get laundry ready... and then I can do my homework. This is why I don’t want kids.

Thanks for reading, see you in two weeks!

“I already told you, you're not getting my damn helmet off.”

“But you might have-”

“If a psychic doesn't know their own brain, we got bigger problems. It’s staying on.”

It was bad enough that they'd made him take his damn clothes off.  Angel had done his best, but cracked ribs were cracked ribs that needed x-rays. Among other things, that had meant shrugging out of his binder. It had been made easier by the fact the damn thing ripped in two when he tried to shuffle it off.

Guess he'd need another one... good thing he had all that overtime from working with Andy.

“I'll come in with the form stating you turned down an MRI.” there was a chill to the tech’s – nurse? Fuck if he knew right then – voice as they turned to leave the room. “Don't try to move, we still need to suture your wounds.”

Yeah, he had a lovely case of road rash that was going to need some serious antibiotic lotion, and his back was kind of fucked up. He had seen it in the mirror – looked kind of burned to him. No doubt it was going to leave some kind of nasty scar when it finished healing. Oh well, it was where nobody would see it.

Unlike his old facial ones. Pro-tip for young heroes: wear a mask before learning to fly. Birds are nasty.

“God, it's good to hear you snark at somebody.”

A comfortingly annoying voice buzzed in his ear. Scanner's link was open still, had been when the nurse had come in with the crazy idea of getting his helmet off. They had been going over the footage while waiting to hear about Ember and PT. From the sounds of things, everyone was going to make a full recovery. That was the important part, though if it took too long they might need outside help.

God, he hoped it wasn’t going to come to that. The Toledo Union was asshole city, and don't even get him started on Pittsburgh... he may not have liked football, but tossing them a 'go birds' just to make them froth at the mouth was worth it.

“Good to be able to do it.” He adjusted his helmet. “So, what's the damage?”

Keys clicked in his ear. “PT's got a nasty concussion, but that's nothing new for her. Don't know if she'll make it to the synagogue this weekend, but I think her rabbi will understand. Ember's completely lucid, so whatever Blasto did to her wore off. They're still doing a brain scan anyway, though. Apparently, they can do those with disguises on now.”

There was a note of teasing to the tech's voice that made Angel roll his eyes as he leaned back in the hospital bed, waiting for someone to tell him when he could go the fuck home. No doubt the attack was all over the news now, even at the late hour. How could it not, when one of their own had turned on them and nearly gotten half the city killed?

Maybe that was why he hadn't pulled his punches with that rock. Asshole.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. A cloth one's a little different from my setup.” He sighed in relief at the report. “Well, that means we'll only be down two. I'm no HR expert, but I think Richter's fired.”

He should've been on fire, but that was a different matter entirely. Oh well, once Ember and PT were better, they could handle that. He hadn't been around much anyway, so him going to jail for being an asshole – and you know, threatening to kill a bunch of people and almost getting away with it – didn't cramp their style too badly.

At least the overtime would pay for his GRE scores. He really needed to get his math percentile up if he wanted a shot at grad school.

“That's putting it mildly.” Scanner's tone shifted. Maybe it was the exhaustion talking, but they sounded softer the next time they spoke. “By the way, I appreciated the jerk ex comment but let's keep it on the DL around Andy. She doesn't need to know.”

Angel nodded – oww, big mistake. He might not have a concussion, but the overuse of his powers had given him one hell of a headache.  That was enough to make him close his eyes as he bumped the back of his dirty helmet against the bed frame.

“Mum's the word, Scan.” He frowned. “Where is she anyway?”

There was a pause in the typing. Scanner didn't say anything for a good couple minutes, causing Angel's blood to run cold. Despite his pounding headache and the sudden urge to throw up, he sat straight up in his temporary bed.

“Scanner, where is Andy?”

“Paladin's got her in one of those rooms they use to tell people their grandma didn't make it. The FBI's en route now to pick her up.”

His feet hit the floor – oww. “Damn it, Scan, give me a location. We can't let them get her!”

Images flashed through his mind, stolen from the psychic he had thrown down with days prior. His imagination ran wild with it, showing off steel tables and knives sharp enough to cut through rocky surfaces. It made his stomach churn as his battered brain tried to come up with a way out.

“I'm two blocks from the hospital now. Paladin asked me to bring the book.”

Angel stopped moving. Time stopped too. The only thing that convinced him that the universe was still spinning was that his heart was beating. He was alive, but right then the only thing he could focus on was the thought of the book.

“You're serious?”

“Sounds like it's our only option. She's on the third floor and we need a witness so get there ASAP.”

ASAP was a little hard when he was under observation, but Angel didn't care. He made a grab for his pants, head spinning as he pulled them on over his hospital gown. At least he wasn't attached to an IV as he booked it out of the room, a nurse yelling in the background.

If Scanner was bringing the Book, it was as serious as he thought.

---

Though it was her first time in the hospital, Andy already knew she didn't like them very much.

“You've caused quite a stir on Twitter. People already like you.”

Uncle Leo was in the chair next to her, absent-mindedly scrolling his phone. The case was covered in pictures of his family – a present for his last birthday. With his brain he didn't need it, but it wasn't like they had ever really covered how much they knew about his pre-cancer days. It had never really been her business to question what they knew about him anyway.

Normally, Andy would have been dying to get a glance at the internet, especially if nobody was going to be monitoring her. But she stayed there in her chair, flexing her fists back and forth. She could still feel the power radiating from her core, making the air shimmer. At least she wasn't giving off heat, though – that might've made the old man uncomfortable.

She had done it.

“Mom's not coming, is she?”

Honestly, the alien wasn't sure why she was even asking. Once her mother made up her mind, she didn't change it. Their final words had probably been just that, especially after Twitter had gotten a hold of it. If the internet knew about her, that probably broke just about every rule they had set for her from the time she had first emerged.

Leo's eyebrows knitted as he put his phone aside. His warm hand found hers, squeezing gently more so he didn't break anything. For humans, that was probably a comforting gesture. Thanks to the lack of skin, it didn't really do much for her, but it was the thought that counted in the end.

“I tried to call her... she hung up on me.” He frowned. “I'm sorry, but I think she meant it.”

How was she supposed to feel during a moment like this?

“Andy?”

She supposed she should have been upset really. After all, her mother had finally broken and abandoned her like she had always threatened to when things got difficult. In a way, it was amazing she had stuck it out for almost 21 years. Had she had money to put on it, Andy would've bet after the divorce for sure. In a way, she was surprised she had lasted so long.  Could you congratulate a parent for not giving up on you until you were over 20?

So… maybe she wasn’t all that upset when it came to her case. Really, she was worried about the ones she had left behind. After all, Amanda was going to take it out on someone eventually. Her oldest sister was the prime target for sure, but Jen was still just a few doors down. That thought made her core bubble up as she sat there, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It wasn’t that either, though…

Despite everything... Andy had to admit her biggest feeling was that of relief. Threats of turning her over to the lab – or worse – for bad behavior no longer hung over her head. If Amanda was washing her hands of her, then in a way she was free. Of course, that kind of made her property of the federal government... but that wasn't the first time either. Now that she was bigger, maybe she could go toe to toe with them if they tried anything funny.

Or hell, they might just turn her over to Sakamoto. She could handle her.

“Are you alright?”

Uncle Leo's words brought Andy back down to earth. She wasn't sure how long she had been out, but the man looked concerned. She shook her head, more for his benefit than her own, and shrugged her spiky shoulders in the universal sign of 'beats the hell out of me' before sitting back.

“I mean... everyone's ok, right?” She shrugged again, as if it would tease more emotions out of her molten core. “And I managed to get two shots off. I guess I can be happy about that?”

The psychic nodded. “But you're worried. I can't say I blame you. You did the right thing... though the FBI might disagree.”

Had she been human, this was where Andy would have snorted. “That's putting it mildly. I bet they’re on their way to get the custody pissing match started.”

With her... she supposed ex-mother? Out of the way, that left the feds and the lab. Talk about ugly – she would've winced at the thought if she was capable of doing it. While they whipped it out and measured, she was left in limbo. Luckily for her, that was nothing new either. Being an alien made her all kinds of flexible.

Bear Paw or... wherever the FBI wanted to keep her. She had so many lovely options.

“About that...” There was a light in the man's eyes. “You know, you did a good job out there. A little rough, but... you have promise. And we're down a man now that Richter is going to be doing hard time.”

Andy's head picked up. “Wait... you're not serious, are you?”

Leo smiled, and for a brief moment she saw someone who had long since retired to old newsreels and still pictures archived in the annals of history. It made her sit up a little straighter in her seat as her core began to bubble with what could only have been anticipation.

“We both know it was going to come down to this eventually, Andromeda.” Another smile. He never used her full name. “You're too much like Cassiopeia, including hating when I use your entire name.”

Her core bubbled again. “Can you even do that? I mean... I'm not human. Isn’t that the basic requirement of joining up?”

“It wasn't when we had Nova. Besides, who’s going to know if we don’t tell them?”

Right... she forgot sometimes about that sometimes. If Nova had hidden it… maybe she could too.

Before Andy could answer, someone knocked on the door. Leo stood to cross the room and opened it without a sound. On the other side stood Scanner, breathing hard as if they had wheeled at top speeds to get there. In their lap was a large book, bound in dark leather that gave it the feel of an ancient tome. This they handed off to her quasi uncle as they wheeled to the side, finally putting on the breaks.

“We better hurry, I blocked the elevator on some assholes in suits as I got up here.” They looked towards the window. “Is that SR?”

The psychic appeared as well, still wearing a hospital gown and motorcycle helmet. He slid in behind Scanner – at least he was wearing pants under his gown. At least he nodded to the room as he made no excuses for his weird attire.

“I'm with Scan, they're gonna be on my ass for breaking out soon.”

Leo shook his head, but he was smiling. “Not exactly what I expected for the two witnesses, but you're right. Time is of the essence. Even Scanner cannot stop an elevator forever.”

Andy felt the air in the room shift as the attention turned to her. This was probably where humans would have swallowed past anxiety or felt their hearts pound in anticipation. All she had was the bubbling of her core as she stood, dwarfing the room.

Her uncle was wrong, of course. She had never expected this day to come, not even in her wildest dreams or in the faded time before she was truly conscious of her situation. Yet the fact it was actually there still pressed down heavily as the man approached her, book in hand.

She had seen it once when she was a small child, though she forgot the circumstances of the visit that had caused it. It was a heavy looking book, bound with the Union's logo. Normally, it was kept at the base, given what was written inside.

After all... you kinda needed to keep the record of secret identities, well, a secret. It was probably the only book she could think of that didn’t have a digital copy. Sometimes, it was good to be analog.

And now it was her time to join them.

“Andromeda Nobel.” The old man’s voice had more energy in it than she had heard since his diagnosis. He held out the book and walked to an empty space in the room. She met him halfway, placing her hand on the cover like she had seen others do on TV. Maybe if they hadn't been rushing to beat the FBI, they would've done it too. Oh well, she had started this at 3 AM so maybe it was apt. “Do you swear to protect the people of Bear Paw?”

“I do.”

Outside, she could hear the elevator dinging. The agents were coming – they had a lock on the room. The door rattled violently, but Sky Rider's visor glowed as he held it firm. Someone was pounding on the wood now.

Leo remained unflapped. “Do you swear to use your powers for good and never evil?”

The words came from her mouth without thinking. “I do.”

“And no matter what, do you promise to uphold the ideals of heroism, bravery, and service both in and out of your secret identity?”

Andy didn't even need to think of this one. She nodded, almost knocking her chin to her chest. “I do.”

The rattling was getting stronger now. Sweat was starting to drip from under Sky Rider's helmet as he held the lock as hard as he could. Even Scanner was gearing up now, a glowing drone appearing to reinforce the fragile joints that kept the door to the wall. Both of them were giving it their all, even though one of them was still technically a patient.

Clearly, doing dumb shit was a point of pride here. If that wasn’t a sign she’d fit in, Andy didn’t know what was.

Leo's voice was stronger now. “Then, given the current leader is going through a medical workup, I use my power as the retired head of the Bear Paw Union to officially swear you in. You will now take up the mask and title to protect the city...”

His voice faltered. “We can add the superhero name later, unless you figured one out on the way over.”

Got one? Of course she had one. Andy had held it ever since she had first felt the power in her hands. Maybe it was a little cliché, but it felt right to her as she nodded towards the old man. She removed her hand, clenching her fist as she did.

“Call me Supernova.”

After all, she was Nova's kid in a roundabout way. If anyone got to mess with the title, she had the right.

“Supernova, eh? Never expected you to be one for a succession title, but I can't say it doesn't fit.” He smiled, and there was something wistful there as he nodded. “Then, welcome to the Union, Supernova. Serve it well.”

The door slammed open and Sky Rider was knocked on his ass as two agents in dark suits appeared in the room. As the psychic on the floor groaned at his bruised ass and ego combo, they entered, gunning for her.

Well… apparently it was time to test if the Union’s rule about active duty kept her from getting taken in. Talk about having one hell of a proving ground.

---

Want to support my snack pile so I get through art class alive? I have a Ko-Fi!

[carlatsukinamistolemyhamsandwich]

DL Soulmate AU Headcanons-Carla Tsukinami

For some reason this post took me forever to finish but it’s finally done OTL

Setup: Set in a universe where everyone has a soulmate and there are various different connections between soulmates. Vampires (and Founders) have been known to have human soulmates. Generally the connection between a vampire/founder and their soulmate will not kick in until their soulmate is born and will fade after their soulmate dies. It considered unusual for a vampire to meet, let alone be with, their human soulmate. For these headcanons, you’re in the same position as Yui. You get sent to the Sakamakis as a sacrificial bride and you have some special property that makes you valuable to the Tsukinamis too (whether you want to imagine that you’ve got Cordelia’s heart or some other reason you can come up with is up to you).

Carla Connection with soulmate: your soulmate’s name is tattooed on your wrist. - You were born with the name 月浪カルラ inked on your wrist. As a young child you didn’t understand the meaning behind the markings, until your parents explained that it was your connection to your soulmate, only it was written in another language. After a little research, you learned that the name was written in Japanese and it translated to Carla Tsukinami. 

- It didn’t take long for you to realize it was a rather unusual name and as soon as you became aware of the world of social media, you started searching for your soulmate. However no matter how much you tried, you could find neither hide nor hair of them, an oddity in the modern digital age. Although frustrated, you didn’t give up and decided to study Japanese, pleased at even the slightest bit closer it might bring you to your other half.

- When you were offered an opportunity to stay in Japan as part of your studies, you immediately accepted, positive that you would encounter your soulmate while you were there.

- What you certainly weren’t expecting, however, was for your accommodation to be the home of six sadistic vampires. Your phone was destroyed in the first few hours of your stay and, no matter how much you tried, you couldn’t contact anyone from back home. Suddenly, it seemed much more likely that you would meet only a tragic fate here, rather than your soulmate. After all, your captors were vampires, it wasn’t like your soulmate could do much to help you even if you managed to find them.

- While the founders were still trapped in Pandemonium, Carla awoke one day to find a name scrawled on his wrist. He knew what it was instantly but there were no new founders, his race was dying out, which meant it could only belong to a member of one of the sub-races or, worse still, a human. For a heart-breaking moment he’d stared at that name, the characters a dark stain on his pale skin. But it was ultimately of no consequence. Even if he weren’t trapped within the very castle he’d been raised in, for a founder in his position to fraternize with a member of a lower race was shameful. And with his father on his death bed, Carla would soon become king.  Just as he had done so many times before, he locked whatever feelings that name may have evoked deep inside himself. They would serve no useful purpose and were therefore meaningless.

- And then Giesbach passed, and Carla was left with the miserable reality that his once proud race had been reduced to only himself and his younger brother. But soon after his father’s death, Carla discovered that they may be able to break the seal that had kept them trapped for hundreds of years on the night of the upcoming lunar eclipse.

- Once free, while Shin longed for revenge against Karl Heinz, Carla knew that their first priority had to be strengthening their bloodline. It did not take long to learn of a certain human woman who possessed founder blood and had been sent to live with the sons of the vampire king.

- By the time the night of the lunar eclipse arrived, you’d been with the Sakamaki brothers for months and it had taken its toll on you. You’d taken to staying at school for as many hours as you possibly could, for while you weren’t exactly safe, it still felt better than drifting through the large, cold mansion. It was when you were studying in the library that you saw him; a tall pale man with long white hair and the most incredible gold eyes. You couldn’t say what compelled you to approach him, but you did and when he introduced himself you felt your heart stop dead.

Carla Tsukinami, your soulmate, was standing right in front of you. There were so many thoughts running through your head that you didn’t know where to start. He sniffed the air and frowned, as though he’d detected some foulness in the air.

“The scent of those vampires is even worse than I’d suspected. Your blood is of no use in this state.”

Blood? Vampires? You froze. It couldn’t be. The soulmate you’d spent all these years dreaming of couldn’t be another one of the creatures who had left your body covered in scars. Then he lowered his scarf, and you caught sight of the wicked fangs in his mouth.

- You couldn’t believe it, and so you blindly accused Carla of being a vampire, desperate for him to deny it, to tell you that he was human, the same as you. But he didn’t, instead a cold rage filled his eyes and it made your blood turn to ice in your veins. Before you knew where you were, his cold hand was tight around your throat and he hissed into your ear that he was not a vampire, but something far greater and comparing him to one of those lowlifes was an insult. You struggled but his grip was firm and soon your consciousness faded.

- You awoke in a foreign, albeit nicely decorated room, with phantom hands still wrapped around your throat. Despair coiled around you like a snake, you’d met your soulmate and he’d turned out to be another one of the demons you’d been tormented by for months. He hadn’t even bothered to ask for your name. And as you clutched the bandage you’d used to try to keep his name concealed from the Sakamakis, you concluded you didn’t particularly want to tell him either. 

- Purifying your blood was taking longer than Carla would like but, aside from your outburst in that first meeting, at least you were docile enough. It seemed your spirit had already been broken by the vampires, even if the thought of receiving their leftovers made Carla feel sick. 

- One night, as he was removing the last remaining traces of filth from your blood, Carla caught sight of the bandage tightly wrapped around your wrist. He’d noticed it before, but humans were easily injured so it had seemed of little importance. It was only then, however, that he realized he’d never seen you without it. The name printed in the same place on his own wrist, hidden by his sleeve, began to burn. He froze. 

“Your name.”

You only blinked up at him with a dazed expression, eyes struggling to focus.

“What is your name?” Carla repeated, the words coming out as something close to a growl.

This time they seemed to get through to you and the way you tensed underneath him was telling enough. In swift movement, he ripped the dressing from you and was met with his own name scrawled in inky black across your skin. 

It changed both everything and nothing at the same time. His duties and goals were still the same, he still had to prioritize his position before any of his own feelings. And yet you were here, right in front of him, when he’d dismissed any chance that he’d ever meet you at all. 

“You knew,” he breathed, cold fingers trailing along your neck. You flinched at the contact, the scent of your fear heavy in the air. Carla took hold of your chin and you were forced to gaze into his piercing golden eyes. “From now on, woman, you will deny me nothing. Never forget-” his other hand stroked over the skin of your wrist “-everything you are belonged to me since the day you were born.” Your vision swam as the blood loss ran its course and as darkness blanketed over you, the last thing you felt was a pair of cool lips against your own. 

I’ve also done a set of these for Shin. If you want me to do these for any of the other characters then feel free to let me know ^^

[authenticaussie]

for the spell character's name: A, C, E and S, A, B, O

A: What are/were this character’s best subjects in school?

He’s really good with his hands! So shop class/woodwork were his favourites - he can make like. So many things??? He’s pretty talented at making Something out of Basically Nothing. Twine and a stick fishing-rod boy sorta shtick. Also I really like the idea that he’s good at chemistry/science. Even if he’s not great at like, memorising formulas, he’s still good at…remembering how things work together? And he’s pretty clever, just practically clever, not theoretically clever. 

…Doesn’t stop him from doing shit like letting luffy water-ski on him tho.

C: Can they swim well?

Yeah!! He grew up watching over Lu, who was shit, so he got good at swimming. Also, it’s fun. After he gets his DF he doesn’t necessarily miss swimming as much as he misses floating. And he doesn’t forget that he can’t swim, moreso his first instinct is save sibling and it takes physical effort to hold himself back.  

E: How are they with children?

TERRIFIED. Oh I have so many thoughts of Ace around kids. Okay so like first of all, I’d like it known that he’s really really good with kids. Sometimes he’s a bit stupid with them (see: that one time he just kinda. Chucked a child tree-top height and then almost dropped them because he didn’t expect them to scream and flail in the air), but overall he is super good with kids. 

But this is matched by: he’s so fucking scared of fucking them up. And other people’s kids?? Where he’s the dorky older brother, the grinning supportive uncle, where he’s got clear rules and he Knows he doesn’t have to deal with them for more than an hour, where even if they cry there’s probably a parent on hand, or it’s not on him to be responsible for this tiny child– he’s fine with that, and it’s still a little nerve-wracking, but he can Deal, and he actually likes kids. He likes kids a lot. 

He could just thinks he could never have his own. The thought of having his own kids is fuckin’ scary. He doesn’t want to fuck them up, or hurt them, or abandon them, he’s not a good dad, he won’t ever be a good dad, like– this boy is so so afraid of having his own kids. He would love lovelovelove a child, love to be a dad like Whitebeard was to him, he would smother that child in his affection, he would be an amazing dad. But there is absolutely no way he would be comfortable having a kid. If his s/o mentioned it he’d probably shut down or get really panicky, or try and turn the conversation around into something else, like, a million potential ways to get out of having that convo. ‘Cause he’s really scared he’d hurt a kid like his dad hurt him. 

So he’s super awesome with kids and anyone who knows him well can see that he’d be an awesome dad and he’d really like his own kids but unless he was either a) completely blank-face thrown into it or b) had heaps of support from his S/O, he’d try and find the baby somewhere else to live, like with Whitebeard or Makino or someone he trusted. Because he doesn’t trust himself to be a good dad. 

S: How stealthy are they?

super stealth. he’s ninja man extraordinaire at sneaking into things.

But like. keeping things on the DL?? fuck no snickers. He found and read Koala’s diary once - (it was an accident, she’d tried to disguise it as info for the army bc most people don’t actually read reports snickers and Sabo was like Oh I haven’t Read This I Probably Should and by the time he was like wait this feels like a diary he was already about a month in) - and was So Bad at keeping his new knowledge secret that he gave up and ‘fessed to it. 

Conversely I also 100% see him as Best Lie Child but only bc nobody expects him to be able to lie. And he never sounds like he’s lying, he’s drawling and sarcastic and keeps close enough to the truth that unless you know what the truth actually is you’d never pick it up. And even then he may get you to question it. 

A: What are/were this character’s best subjects in school?

Writing. English, technically, but mainly writing; he’s good with his words, and it was basically the only subject that interested him. If he’s interested he’ll work at it. If it’s necessary, if he needs it, if he is the one who decides he needs it, he’ll pour himself into doing something until he’s amazing at it, and he decided he wanted to tell stories and so he did. Sabo is…one of those kinda frustrating people who, if they chose to be good at something, seems to just…automatically be good at it?? Especially if it’s cerebral. But there’s also a lot of time where he pours himself into getting better than just good, and he seems to have Lots of things he’s Really Amazing At that just come from him being clever and good at figuring stuff out. 

So. English. And probably PE.

B: Do they have any allergies?

….yes. I’ve just decided. mainly bc I have a cold and I want sabo to suffer now, too that he gets hay fever. It is the worst thing ever. He hATES it. And? The real kicker??? For a long while he didn’t realise he had it. As a child he grew up on the revo army base, which was desert and dust and yeah the dust would make him choke and grumble sometimes but it wasn’t pollen, and then his first few missions out were somehow not spring islands, and then he’s seventeen and snot is pouring out of his nose and he’s basically crying, his eyes are watering so bad, and he can’t breathe bc of all the freakin’ pollen in the air (flower festival + spring island = bad) and for a red hot second everybody thinks he’s been poisoned but one of the crew who’s with them is just like 

“oh. Allergies.” and gives him some medicine and tea and pulls out their stash of mint-smelling tissues so sabo can blow his nose.

Sabo, to this day, still claims he was poisoned (but he keeps antihistamines on him now, and double-checks missions that may lead to spring islands.) 

O: What would it take to break them, inside and out?

wow. sure, okay. 

Okay.

Well first of all Sabo is– yeah, really strong, he went through a Lot and he’s been….in a lot of bad situations, I feel?? And he still has the drive and power and commitment to keep going and keep fighting for the revolution. Losing Ace…really fucked him up, but I feel part of that was like, gaining back his best friend and brother in the exact same moment he lost him/didn’t know Luffy was alive. He had all of his bad memories and all of his good memories come back at the same time that he learned his Most Trusted Person died. S’not great. 

And I bring that up just bc I feel like…losing luffy (before the end of the series/the revolution was over) would fuck him up but I don’t think it’d break him. Like he’d be distraught and hurting but. You have to carry on. There is time for mourning later. There are people to save and wars to end and without anybody to stay alive for he’s vicious and brutal (but then again when was he not?)

I feel like. It’d be really hard to break Sabo when/if he still had the CauseTM. To quote lucky, “it’s the personal stuff that has the power to break him, but it’s the mission that keeps him going”, so you 100% have to figure out a way to tie both of them together and snap ‘em at the same time.

After the revolution was done? If the revolution was done and they lost - he’d still be going, still be fighting - but god forbid the revolution was done and they won. They won with losses, they won with blood, he’s missing the people he cared about, but he steps up to do his duty, to keep working, and then they tell him they don’t need him anymore. 

And Luffy didn’t last longer than Roger did, when he claimed the one piece, so Sabo doesn’t even have family left. He doesn’t have the cause he’d dedicated his life to, he doesn’t have his family, he tries to do good and keep fighting even without the Army at his side, but people are afraid of him, he keeps fucking stuff up, he tries to help but in the latter years the only thing he was good at was fighting, and he never- he never learnt how to take care of himself. That was Koala’s job, and Hack’s job, and Luffy’s job, to poke and prod him into letting himself be a person instead of a martyr, a revolutionary, and he doesn’t have them anymore.

I feel like, to break Sabo, you’d have to systematically strip him of the things that he feels provides worth. Strip him of his title as brother, strip him of the title of revolutionary, say there are no more causes to fight for, and watch him try and live in a world at peace.  

Alternatively, enough times in a no-win scenario would make him pretty jaded and cruel, and I don’t necessarily know if it’d break him unless it was….a thousand times in a no-win, and then you added something else, someone else important to him - Luffy, who comes in and has passion and makes him believe again, who fights to the last breath and then takes his last breath - and Sabo…almost expects Luffy to come back in the next loop but. He doesn’t. 

I feel like knowing finality would really fuck him up. 

[the-madame21]

In the Heart of the Storm

Sooooo I wanted to do some raunchy little Karlheinz smut but it ended up into this dark angsty oneshot instead lol. Also I guess I have a new DL OC woops XD Meet Ananke Krone, the original First Blood Demon. She can see the future and manipulate time, and she’s stronger than Karlheinz. I guess the vibe I was going for here was star-crossed lovers lol. Enjoy!

Karlheinz threw open the door, shocked to find nothing in her room. The balcony doors had been left open, the curtains rolling in the gentle breeze of the rising sun. He stepped towards it, glancing over at the large bed that seemed untouched, reaching out to bring the curtains towards his nose.

It still smelled like her. And this balcony still looked over the rolling mountains, and the sun still shone through the leftmost corner.

“I knew you’d come, today.”

He let the curtain slip from between his fingers, Karlheinz turning to meet a golden gaze framed by silver locks. Like a grey sky caught alive by lightning. How long had it been, since he’d heard that siren’s song of a voice?

“I assumed you would,” he returned, fingering the curtains again. “No storm for me?”

“You’ve yet to excite me,” she declared.

Karlheinz smiled, stepping up to her. “Is that a new dress?” He took it between his fingers, the fabric thin against his palm.

“About two centuries old. You’d know if you came more often.”

“You know precisely why I can’t,” he whispered, placing his hand over her slim stomach. She inhaled, straightening, her eyes finally meeting his own. A shadow fell over the room, and Karlheinz knew the sun had slipped between the clouds. She gripped at his wrist, finally releasing her breath, “Don’t speak of such taboos—”

“But the thought excites you, doesn’t it? Bearing a child that would destroy everything,” he dropped his lips to her ear, “until there’s nothing left in this world but us.”

“It’d destroy us as well,” she replied coldly, her eyes starting to glow.

Karlheinz had always quite liked the way those golden eyes glowed. “Ah,” he smiled, brushing his knuckles against her cheek, “are you seeing it now?”

She blinked rapidly, a faint smile spreading along her lips. “Destruction. And agony. A future without an ounce of hope.”

“So beautifully depressing,” he murmured, breath fanning over her red lips. “There’s nothing beautiful in it,” she returned, sucking in his breath and batting her lashes once more.

“There’s beauty in you,”  he said, and finally, he kissed her. A soft press of his lips to hers. “Naturally, there’d be beauty in that child. Even if they do bring an end to it all.”

“Two centuries we’re kept apart,” she scoffed, voice small and eyes shining with tears, the sky grower darker and darker, “and you come to me with talk of the end, and nothing more than a chaste kiss to my parched lips?”

“Is that not enough to please you, my love?”

Lightning flashed, and Karlheinz counted the almost comical length of time before the thunder finally rolled. “Not in the least,” her lips trembled.

“Then command me,” he breathed, wrapping one arm around her waist, his other hand bringing her palm up to his lips. “For I am, and always will be, your humble servant.”

“How many women have you coaxed with such sweet words?”

“How many men have you entranced with those bewitching eyes?”

Gold flashed again, a soft drizzle beginning to patter on the balcony behind them. She smiled, “Two centuries is a long time, Karlheinz.”

He cupped her face, “Far too long.” This kiss was not nearly as humble as the last, thunder rolling one more time as the rain got stronger. He lifted her easily, as though she weighed nothing, and Karlheinz reveled in the way she gasped into his mouth, her delicately cold fingers stretched out across his cheeks.

Carrying her to the bed, and then draping her carefully across it, he drank in the sight of her, let the sound of rain drown out any other thoughts that weren’t her. “Karlheinz,” she purred, not quite panting, but her chest rising and falling just the same, the fabric tight against her skin.

“Yes, my love?”  Already, he was lowering his lips to her chest, peppering kisses over the soft mounds of her breasts.

“I like this dress,” she fingered through his hair, long nails titillating his scalp. He licked along her collarbone, nibbling without piercing the skin.

“And yet you wore it, today.”

“I wanted you to see it.”

Again, he kissed the tops of her breasts, before pulling away, so that he might gaze upon her. “It looks lovely on you, my dear.”

“Do you mean it?”

He kissed her, tongue rolling over her lips, silently asking for permission to bite. “To you, I’ve never lied.”

Her hands were on his cheeks again, sharp nails poking at his skin, “Because you can’t.”

Sliding his hands down her waist he chuckled, rising over the bumps of her curves to squeeze at her thighs. “Might I ruin this dress of yours?”

“Two centuries I’ve waited for you to see it, and now you’ll ruin it with nothing more than a tired glance.”

He entwined his fingers with hers, bringing them up to kiss, and to tug at her skin with his fangs, “Patience has never been my virtue.”

“Have you anything you can call a virtue? Lord Karlheinz Sakamaki, Demon Tyrant of the Underworld?”

He stared into her eyes, feeling the sting of her words and the truth that they held, the ever present truth that she held, because she was truth, and lie, and virtue and vice, and everything that fell in between.

“Yes,” he answered. “I’m looking at her.”

The sky darkened, and the rain stopped. Because she wept instead.

“To be so beautiful when you cry,” Karlheinz smiled, wiping her tears, “you should have been born an angel.”

“What difference is there between angels and demons,” she scoffed, blinking them away. “You should have been born a mortal.”

“You’d curse me with such a fate?”

“I’d bless myself with that fate. Having to watch you destroy everything I’ve built—”

“You know I must. You know more than anyone—”

“Do not attempt to tell me what I do and do not know. Since we last parted—”

“Scold me as you wish, my love, but do not deny me what we’ve both waited so long for.”

Golden eyes sharpened, the rain hard and sudden outside as she lifted her hands to his face, her eyes practically flashing as she spoke, “Come.”

Karlheinz lowered himself on top of her once more, so that she could kiss him, and drink from his lips.

Her bite would always, and forever be, the only thing sharp enough to provide him with pain.

She drank, and she kissed, and she folded her legs over his, the fabric of her dress tangling with his robes. When she’d had her fill, she pulled away with a satisfied sigh, and the rain outside began to pour.

“As decadent as ever.”

“My love,” Karlheinz squeezed at her sides, dragging his hands back up to her breasts, “might I indulge—”

“Karlheinz,” she placed her hand over his, pressing down against her chest, “Enough. You’ve my permission.”

He tore at the front of her dress, ripping it all the way down to her belly button, finally able to suck on her supple breasts, biting down with aching fangs. She laughed, and lightning struck, Karlheinz counting, one, two, three, four beats before the thunder hit—biting again, and again the lightning flashed, one, two, three beats—and he tore what was left of the dress, spreading her legs and tearing at the front of his own robes.

“I’ve missed you—“

Thunder shook the room and she silenced him with her mouth, digging her nails into the back of his neck as she pulled him in, gasping as he rubbed against her, skin sliding over skin and lips falling prey to desperate fangs.

“Give me all of you,” she bid, sliding her hands over his shoulders, helping him discard what was left of their disheveled clothing.

“As you wish, my love,” Karlheinz groaned, rubbing himself against her, gasping into her mouth and feeling himself start to drown, “as you wish.”

With a bite to her neck he entered her, and she screamed, lightning and thunder clapping all around them, the rain pouring so hard he wondered if these old castle walls would be enough to withstand it.

For a moment, he wondered if he’d be enough to withstand her.

To have such heat from skin so cold—he’d never understood it—would never understand, the rain pounding in his ears and the pleasure swimming in his stomach.

Two hundred years, and not a thing had changed. She was eternal.

With measured softness he bit into her neck again, watching the blood drip down her pale skin, staining it red.

Again, she laughed.

She’d always loved his bites. Because he was the only one brave enough to do so. Because they stung in the most delicious way, and because her blood now ran through his veins.

Her darling beloved.

“Karlheinz,” she called, entrapping him in another kiss, taking blood from his tongue, licking it tenderly in soft apology, “call my name.”

“Ananke,” she swallowed his words, tightening her legs around him as he spoke. “Ananke,” he repeated, slowly falling prisoner to a strong, golden gaze.

…

He’d always loved the way those eyes glazed over, shining from the remnants of their pleasure.

“You need to stop this, Karlheinz.”

The rain continued outside, soft and lulling, like a hushed melody only they could hear.

“It’s the only way,” he replied, gently, brushing her hair back behind her ear.

Her eyes flashed, and they were no longer in her room, his robes on as usual, a simple dress covering her own form. He smiled, “Where are we?”

She sat up, slowly, as though the room itself were unfamiliar to her, heading towards the window to look down below. “The moment that child is born, you won’t ever see me again.”

He followed her, hugging her from behind, so that he, too, could gaze down into what looked to be a garden. “We’ve eons before that occurs.”

“An eon is not as long as you’d like it to be.”

From down beneath them, a young girl emerged, blonde and beautiful, stumbling over herself while she tended to the roses. “Ah,” Karlheinz exhaled, “that’s her.”

“There are other ways, Karlheinz,” Ananke whispered, and he tightened his hold on her hands. “You and I both know there isn’t.”

“You’ll die,” she said, with the knowledge of one who knew.

“That is my fate,” he kissed her cheek.

“Then what is mine?”

“To ensure I die at the precise moment.”

She scoffed, looking down at the garden before she waved her hand, dispelling the enchantment, the room once again her own.

The rain outside continued.

“With her blood, your sons will be strong enough to kill you.”

“Which one, however, has yet to be decided.”

“It is up to that girl to decide. Whichever son is chosen, it won’t matter. The result is still the same.”

“My death,” Karlheinz affirmed, “and the salvation of everything you’ve created.”

“Everything I’ve created…” she repeated, the rain starting to pour, her palm falling over her stomach.

“Ananke,” he took her wrists, kissing the top of her head. “If you wish for it…”

She laughed, and lightning flashed, the First Blood shaking her head. “The destruction of everything for one, selfish wish…” she pushed him away, tucking her hair back behind her ear. “Go,” she instructed. “Your wives are waiting.”

This time, it was Karlheinz who chuckled, “I’ve at least another seven centuries before I meet them—”

“And it’ll be at least ten more before it’s safe for us to meet again,” she kissed his cheek. “Go.”

“Won’t you clear the skies for my journey home?” he cupped her face, stealing another kiss.

She shook her head, “This is your punishment.”

“Then I’ll graciously accept it.”

“Karlheinz,” she exhaled, placing her hand over his, kissing the bottom of his palm, “I’ll have a new dress, next you see me. Please look forward to it.”

“My love,” he smiled, pressing their heads together, “there will be nothing else I wait for.”

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

WARNING: this is a sad post disguised with humor. Long and sad. My apologies for any tears you shed, any heartstrings that are pulled.

TL:DR at the bottom

Long ago, in an ancient time known as 2008, i journeyed to our local animal shelter looking for a murderous fluff ball, known as a cat. In order to make my way to the delightful little critters, I had to cross an open yard space that was fenced in so that dogs could frolic. As I crossed (slowly because i clearly needed to pet all the dogs, it was obviously the task i had to fight my way through to reach the cats), the beautiful creature pictured above trotted up to me, slamming her face into my leg. As I pet her, i noticed her bunny-like tail wiggling furiously. A shelter employee walked by, so i asked him about her and so i learned of her backstory:

Her name was Sarah. She was a poorly bred Australian Shepherd, as some absolute dumbshit had decided to breed two merle Aussie Shepherds together. Now any breeder (and even most non-breeders) have the good sense to know that you always breed merle colored dogs of any breed with a different coat color because there are a great many genetic risk factors that will adversely effect the pups resulting from that union. Sarah was one such pup. She was born entirely deaf, completely blind in her right eye (the one surrounded by white fur), and seemed to be able to see shadows out of the left but couldn't entirely see out of it. This made for a high energy, very intelligent working breed dog that was nearly untrainable due to her disabilities. It was these factors that had caused this beautiful baby to be surrendered to the shelter 5 times in the two years she had been alive. She was scheduled to be put down the next day as she was 'unadoptable'.

I couldn't let that happen, so I ended my quest for a cat, and brought her home for my father instead. The above pictures were from the first 9 months we had her. She was mischievous and incredibly nosey. She was definitely a challenge compared to a dog with all of its senses in tact. We essentially baby proofed the house, installed a doggie door to the backyard, & took her on loads of walks. We spent time with her to learn her quirks and preferences (like that you don't sneak up on her blind side to pet her because she will bite you, or that she will try to heard anyone under 4 ft tall by nipping them). She was a wonderful dog if you were willing to put in the work.

About a year after the adoption, my dad came home to find her barely concious, shaking in the yard. He immediately hoisted her into the care & rushed to her vet. After loads of testing, the vet discovered that she had experienced a massive seizure followed by a multitude of tiny seizures. They couldn't tell exactly how many. The vet told us that we could attempt to control them with medication, but at best she probably had 2 years left and that she'd never be her old spunky self, that she wouldn't behave like a dog at all because there was a very high chance she was brain damaged from the seizures. He said putting her down was a good option, but we didn't want to give up without a fight. So we started meditating the seizures (with monthly bloodwork) and working with her to give her a sense of normalcy and let her know we weren't giving up on her. We did the right thing because...

within about a year and a half, she was a dog again. A few things had changed permanently thought. She no longer vocalized at all (unless you rubbed her ears a certain way, the she made a deep moaning growl sound that let you know you were petting her ears properly), no longer licked anyone, was much more calm, and had put on some weight. We tried putting her on a diet per the vet's recommendation, but when we did she began to eat her poo, so we gave that up after about a week. She still loved pets, waited for my dad to get home by watching for the shadow of his car pulling in through the small gaps in the back fence, hit you with her face when she wanted attention, lived for walks, and was always very interested in what the people were eating.

7 months ago, I moved back in with my dad due to my declining health & an abusive (now ex) boyfriend (that's a can of worms that I'll open at a later date). I had put my service dog in the care of the lady who was my home aide at the time because Sarah was no longer dog friendly. She became my constant companion, looking out for me in that way dogs do when they can tell you aren't well. She only ever left my side to go outside, greet my dad, go for walks, eat, or go to the bathroom. She had begun having hip problems, so she wasn't allowed upstairs anymore (much like myself). We even had a nigh time routine. I would turn off my living room light, start steeping my bedtime tea, then take her for a short night walk, & give her a cookie as I finished making my tea. Then when my tea & reading was done, there was a 30 minute bedtime pet session, I'd get into bed, and she'd snuggle up in her bed. Then it got harder and harder for her to get up. A few days ago, she started having small seizures again.

Which brings us to today. The pictures above are from a few days ago. My beautiful girl would have been 10 in February. But this morning I woke up to hear her coughing, gasping, and gagging. I sat with her, petting her, as I called my dad at work. She was struggling to breathe. We took her to the vet immediately (well, as immediately as possible since it took us about 20 minutes to get her off the floor and into the car). The vet said it sounded like fluid in her lungs. She had a very high fever & really high blood pressure. They said even if they could figure that out & get it under control, they wouldn't be able to get the seizures under control again or help her with her legs because the front ones were starting to give as well. So we had to make the impossible decision to have her put down so that she wasn't in pain anymore. We sat and pet her, talking to her despite the fact that she couldn't hear a word, until she went to sleep. During the consult with the vet, my father's voice started to crack. I could tell I needed to be stoic & be there for him, so I was & reassured him that it was the right thing to do, that she wouldn't be suffering any more. By the end, he was sobbing. I'd never seen my father break down like this. Not even after his 4th wife passed (yes, you read that correctly FOURTH WIFE, but that's a story for another time). As we left, he tried to thank the staff because she's been at the same vet's office since we got her 8 years ago, but he couldn't get the words out. Instead he asked for pen and paper and wrote them a note (later he wrote an email).

Knowing how my father handles unpleasant matters, including grief, I knew he'd go back to work to distract himself and I offered to take care of cleaning out all her things. He dropped me off at home, and I sobbed as I gathered up all her old bones and toys that were beyond use. I gathered her beds, blankets, unused toys, and unused cookies & biscuits, called my grandma with the news and had her take me to the animal shelter we adopted her from so I could donate it all. When he got home, he thanked me for taking care of it all. I could see him breaking again (after all, his best friend wasn't here to greet him today), so I ordered pizza and ordered him to plant himself on my couch so we could watch silly shows and eat junk. He seemed ok, as long as he was distracted. Tomorrow, after my doctor, I may take him to play Pokemon Go. More distractions.

So there you have it. The beautiful tale of Sarah Hall, the blind deaf epileptic rescue Aussie. We made those last 8 yrs count & she made those last 8 yrs undoubtedly brighter. RIP Bunny Butt. ♡

TL;DL: rescued a deaf & visually impaired dog who was on death row, 8 yrs pass & today her reign as queen of our home and hearts has ended.

[thesoupoftheafternoon]

6.5ish years T, 5.5ish years post top

Updating because of a surprise revelation regarding my dose & how it relates to my mental health. Also because I haven't posted on this for two years!

First off, general changes. Dose stuff at the end. (TL;DR dose stuff--by accident I lowered my dose by .1 mL and despite never having felt much of a difference mood-wise from changing my dose before, I feel fucking great and actually happy for the first time in a while! Surprise, your levels should also take into account your age and you shouldn't use the same reference range for the whole time you're on T!)

Under cut--this is mad long. [And cw for mental health talk including v mild suicide ideation, also alcohol/drugs]

T stuff:

I posted pretty much the same thing last time, but I'll reiterate that the vast majority of these changes are basically subtle things that no one else notices and that probably have more to do with just getting older/diet/exercise than being on T. My facial hair range is exactly the same as it was two years ago (literally just ‘stache and chin directly below the mouth) which checks out based on my dad/my entire family. I shave about once a week. Happy trail a little bit happier, lil more arm hair, lil more leg hair. Haven't been checking super closely but I think I have more hair around my butthole. Dick size is the same. Appetite has dropped a bunch--I can't scarf down food the way I used to. I’m read as male all the time, haven’t been misgendered based on my appearance since like 2013. 120-125ish pounds.

Chest stuff: (I had keyhole btw)

Nipple sensation is back, I repeat, nipple sensation is BACK! They're healthy and super perky, which I used to be kinda insecure about since they stick out a bit, but also like, who gives a shit? I would say they feel about 90% as sensitive as they were before surgery, and after a bit of touching they do start feeling a little less sensitive, but they never go completely numb. I'd say they've been at this level of sensation since early 2017. Left nipple is more sensitive than my right. My right nipple used to kinda bulge outward on the bottom but I guess the scar tissue has broken down somewhat since it's lying a lot flatter these days. The numb chest patches are smaller and way less numb and it takes less pressure for them to register touch. Drain scars look kinda like bug bite scars. Under-areola scars are very hidden, basically invisible. 

Lower surgery??

It’s on my mind but it’s always been a little on my mind. It’s not a priority. A hysto/oopho may be in order someday. But I’ve been thinking about what I want my junk to look like and be like as I get older, and whether my current setup and how I relate to it is going to be sustainable. I genuinely don’t know whether I would rather get metoidioplasty or phalloplasty. There’s a lot more thinking to be done. 

Dose stuff: 

I started T in 2012 with .5 injections every other week. With 200 mg/mL that averages out to 50 mg of T per week, although I'm sure my levels were different from someone on a weekly schedule. Around the 2.5 year mark my bloodwork came back saying I had super low T. I upped my dose to .5 every week, so 100 mg/week (which is famously a pretty common dose, there's even some trans merch company called .5cc.) Over the next year or two (I really don't remember exactly when) my bloodwork showed me now at very high T levels, nearly and in some cases exceeding the upper threshold of my doctors' reference ranges, so I lowered my dose to .4 and then to .3 mL/week, or 80 and then 60 mg/week. Of course I worried about T aromatizing into E, but my doctor at the time didn't test my blood for estradiol until I had already reduced my dose down to .4, and said my E levels were fine (I don't remember the exact number.) 

Even at 60 mg/week my T levels were still high. I and my doctors chalked it up to the fact that I work out a lot and/or maybe my body was just like that The general consensus was that "if your period isn't coming back, your E levels are fine," usually followed with some question like “how are you feeling on this dose?” or “are you feeling good?”

And what I kinda knew then then, but what’s even clearer to me now, is that I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA. My I-guess-it’s-anxiety, my on-and-off idk-if-it's-depression, my garbage sleep cycle, my self-doubt and second-guessing and skewed perspectives, have all been around in some form or another, so it's very hard for me to parse out what I'm even Really Feeling sometimes, never mind what might be causing that feeling. For the last several years if I felt bad I would usually conclude one of the following:

I feel bad because I’m actually a shitty person and feeling bad is natural for how bad and awful a person I am.

I feel bad because the world is fucked and society is crumbling and feeling bad is natural for how literally everything we love will be swallowed by the sea and/or be salted and burned in worldwide conflict.

Which is obviously not conducive to trying to figure out any other external factors or triggers for my shitty mental health!!

Plus it’s not like I was exactly excited to have less testosterone in my body. I was genuinely nervous that lowering my dose lower than .3 a week would just be an experiment that wouldn’t do anything except make me less buff and maybe even bring back my period. And I’d always been a little skeptical about the extent of hormonal effects on mood. T certainly affected my mood positively when I started, that was an obvious cause/effect, but I figured (and still do think) that had SO much more to do with finally being seen as a guy and having a masculine body than any sort of direct T-on-brain action. I did notice some increased irritability, but it wasn't much, and also I was still 16 lol. I noticed changes over the course of months or years--never within the course of a week. I can’t relate at all to folks who talk about spikes or troughs in their levels or getting a rush or feeling low based on where they were in their shot cycle. So I'd always tell doctors that I felt fine on whatever dose I was on because, well...I guess I felt fine!!

For the last several months--maybe the last year and a half, tbh--my mental health has been pretty bad. Over the course of any given day, the things I felt were generally limited to annoyance, panic, self-pity, drunk, stoned, and horny, and usually in that order. And that's a relative statement, because I'm pretty functional and haven't ever hit clinical levels of whatever, have always been able to find enjoyment in some things and get endorphins from exercise and complete necessary tasks on time, but hey, if you're reading this and feel like it's normal to constantly have "I hate myself, I fucking suck, why don't I just die" churning around in your head even if you're "not going to act on it," or that it's normal to drink and smoke weed until you basically pass out 6 days out of 7, or that it's normal to feel convinced every bit of positive affirmation you're getting is out of pity, Honey You've Got A Big Storm Coming. Like, again, considering how shit awful our current sociopolitical climate (and also the literal Earth's climate) are, it's no surprise I felt these were understandable feelings, and like, I guess they kind of were? But just because a feeling is understandable doesn't mean it's a good thing that I'm having it. Which seems remarkably obvious in hindsight!

Anyway, about a month ago I underestimated how much was left in my vial and had to do a .2 mL shot instead of .3. That's 40 mg for that week: even lower of a dose than when I started T. As the week went on I noticed I actually felt consistently happy: not just "someone's giving me attention," not just "nihilistic fun," not just "I guess the things I'm looking at right now are pretty," but actually satisfied, content, grounded, having emotions that felt like they came FROM ME. 

And since I’m always one to consider alternative explanations, there’s plenty of other factors that might have led to this improved mood. When I lowered my dose, I had just gotten accepted to two new jobs. I’d met up with friends I hadn’t seen in a while. But it’s not as though before I lowered my dose I never felt happy. It just never stuck around. These days I’m able to retain a positive emotion beyond the precipitating event and not just have the same boring self-hating thoughts over and over again. Which is huge!! I feel like I’ve really broken the thought cycle that’s defined much of my thinking for the last few years. So many of my emotions have been about my emotions, and a big part of why I felt so awful was feeling so helpless against these thoughts, and understanding completely deep down that it was irrational, that it really didn’t make any sense for me to feel this awful. That of course tapped horribly into my endless guilt complex and fed it and it just went on and on. 

I haven’t gotten my levels tested again yet--that’ll happen later this month. (My doctor knows and is cool with this reduced dose.) I’m especially interested to see where my estradiol will be at. My T will probably be more reasonable for someone my age--I feel like my crazy 1000+ ng/dL T levels were okay when I was like 19-20 but now that I’m a whole 23 years old (yo!!!) it makes sense they should be a little lower. I’m not a doctor, though--but then again, real ass certified doctors have made hashes of my medical care in the past, so I’m comfortable trusting myself a little on this one. 

General life update and thoughts on being trans in this world:

I’m much more relaxed and much more okay with being trans these days. Comes with being a lot more sure about myself and who I am, which is a continuous process and one that was happening even before I lowered my dose and was suddenly way less depressed. While I still get hives at the thought of anyone outing me without my permission, I’m a lot more comfortable outing myself to people, even large groups of people, even folks who I might not really know. I’ve come to appreciate the parts of me that are definitely and absolutely because I am trans or that reveal I am trans, and the connections I can make with people by sharing those parts of me.

I’m not sure I’d say I have a career at this point, but definitely most of the work I’m doing these days is in social justice, non-profit, LGBTQ-related, activist work. My resume more or less outs me as at the very least a deeply committed trans ally, lol. I think growing up and realizing I was trans I hated the thought that it would define who I was and what I did. I didn’t want to touch activism or trans spaces in general with a trillion-foot pole. 

I’ve since gotten over myself and like...let myself enjoy things, I guess? I really do find nonprofit work super rewarding and I finally admitted to myself I fucking love chilling with other trans people and talking about trans shit and that I do love, if not the fact that I And My Body Am Trans, the existence of community and the thoughts and ideas that we share. And a lot of the time I do like my body. And I’m kinda ready for this newfound happiness to stop feeling so fresh and exciting, because I know it’s a bit weird and inappropriate to be talking about how happy I am that I feel great when, again, The World’s Some Shit Right Now. 

But I think in general--not just about being trans--I’m letting myself feel the happiness that I have, with so much less guilt and shame. I always knew intellectually but am finally putting into practice the fact that simply denying myself happiness or feeling bad that I feel happy doesn’t bring happiness to folks who don’t have it. 

that’s it for now ! 

[wdwqrfawes]

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[bhuwank]

TESTING THE HEART

Heart care has become an industry. A number of heart institutes are being opened every day worth crores of rupees, in one or the other part of the country. The main aim of these institutions is to make money by performing as many bypass surgeries or angioplasties, because these operations only can earn astronomical amount of money. Estimations of Rs. 3 Lacs to Rs. 5 Lacs for one such operation are not uncommon. Some of the hospitals still perform these operations for as low as 65000, if they are in a small city like Coimbatore or Varanasi!

In these hospitals, necessary and unnecessary investigations or tests are also performed as a secondary source of revenue. Every cardiologist sends for a battery of investigations. Blood samples are drawn several times from the patients in a day in these hospitals. Many of these investigations are also done for the outdoor (OPD) patients also. The other day one of my patients told me that for tests only he has spent about Rs, 50000 in a heart hospital and then told him to bring another 3 lacs for the angioplasty. Mostly these patients are not explained what these tests are, why were they necessary and what are the interpretations.

In this issue we thought we should inform our readers about some of the investigations that are possible for a heart patient and their meanings. Some of the tests are almost compulsory to perform in a suspected heart patient or a confirmed heart patient. Some of them are to be performed on special occasions. In this issue we shall find out about some of the tests, in whom they should be done and what the results would mean.

Another disturbing thing that I found in heart hospitals is that they perform another battery of tests, which may be only necessary in case patient wants to opt for an operation and they prescribe these tests without telling the patients that they are performing these tests to prepare for the heart operation. These tests are HIV tests, Hepatitis test, X ray chest, Total blood count and differential count, kidney function tests, liver function tests, Blood grouping and serum Electrolytes. Most of these tests have no bearing with the treatment of heart disease, do not perform the most needed lipid profile test, which will inform the patient about the cause of the disease.

Angiography is the most invasive of all the tests described in the this issue but the results are unreliable and approximate. I do not recommend this test mostly. It should be done only when the patient is very keen to undergo bypass surgery or angioplasty.

THE BLOOD TESTS

Lipid Profile

The lipid profile is a group of tests that are often ordered together to determine risk of coronary heart disease. The tests that make up a lipid profile are tests that have been shown to be good indicators of whether someone is likely to have a heart attack or stroke caused by blockage of blood vessels (hardening of the arteries).

The lipid profile includes total cholesterol, HDL-cholesterol (often called good cholesterol), LDL cholesterol (often called bad cholesterol) and triglycerides. Sometimes the report will include additional calculated values such as HDL/ Cholesterol ratio or a risk score based on lipid profile results, age, sex, and other risk factors.

The lipid profile is used to guide providers in deciding how a person at risk should be treated. The results of the lipid profile are considered along with other known risk factors of heart disease to develop a plan of treatment and follow-up.

Blood Glucose

Blood glucose is the correct and scientific term. But in colloquial language people, even the doctors , use the term “blood sugar” for blood glucose. A conventional sugar test would mean testing for fasting and post prandial (PP) i.e. after meal. A good control would mean a fasting sugar of less than 100 mg/dl and a PP sugar of 140 mg/dl.

Serum Glycosylated Haemoglobin

Blood glucose estimation on a particular date can only tell about the control of diabetes on that date. But there is a blood test, which can instantly give us an idea about control of blood glucose over the past three months. This test can help in avoiding frequent blood testing and needle pricking. This test is called glycosylated haemoglobin (HbA1C). In a normal person with normal blood sugar the reading is about 6%. A diabetic with the worst of control will have a reading of about 12%. Saaol expects a figure of 7% or below. The principal behind the test is that it measures the glucose tagged haemoglobin percentage in blood. Haemoglobin (Hb) is produced in our body continuously. But on the day the blood glucose is high the haemoglobin would get tagged with glucose. Thus, the increase in the high glucose period will be associated with higher glycosylated haemoglobin.

Cardiac Enzymes

Cardiac Enzymes  are protein molecules released into the blood stream from heart muscle damaged by a blocked artery. This is known as a heart attack. When someone is admitted to the hospital with a  clear cut heart attack, these enzymes are measured to get an idea  of how much muscle was damaged.

Many people are admitted to the hospital with apparent heart symptoms but other tests such as the ECG are inconclusive about whether a heart attack (i.e. damage to the heart muscle) actually occurred. In these cases, the cardiac enzymes are used to determine if this was a heart attack as opposed to a bad episode of angina or perhaps symptoms unrelated to the heart altogether.

The enzymes most commonly measured these days are creatine phosphokinase (CPK) (also known as creatine kinase (CK)) and Troponin.

These enzymes have a characteristic rise and fall pattern after a heart attack. It may take 4 hours or more after the onset of symptoms for the test to become abnormal and upto 24 hours for the level to peak. Consequently, blood test are taken from the patient several times. A normal blood test upon arrival in the emergency room does not mean a heart attack has not occurred. Eventually, the levels in the blood fall back to normal.

Troponin T&I

These are contractile proteins of the myofibril (heart muscle). The cardiac isoforms are very specific for cardiac injury and are not present in serum from healthy people. Troponin I is the form frequently assessed. There is new form (Troponin L) which may be detected earlier.

Rises 4-6 hours after injury

Peaks in 12-16 hours stays elevated for up to 10 days.

Electrocardiogram (ECG)

The ECG is the most commonly performed cardiac test. This is because the ECG is a useful screening tool for a variety of cardiac abnormalities; ECG machines are readily available in medical facilities; and the test is simple to perform, risk free and inexpensive.

How is the ECG performed?

The patient lies on an examination table, and 10 electrodes (or leads) are attached to the patients arms, legs and chest.

The electrodes detect the electrical impulses generated by the heart, and transmit them to the ECG machine.  The ECG machine produces a graph (the ECG tracing) of those cardiac electrical impulses. The electrodes are then removed. The test takes less than 5 minutes to perform.

What information can be gained from the ECG?

From the ECG tracing, the following information can be determined:

·         The heart rate

·         The heart rhythm

·         Whether there are “conduction abnormalities” (abnormalities in how the electrical impulse spreads across the heart).

·         Whether there has been a prior heart attack

·         Whether there may be coronary artery disease

·         Whether the heart muscle has become abnormally thickened.

All of these features are potentially important. If the ECG indicates a heart attack or possible coronary artery disease, further testing is often done to completely define the nature of the problem and decide on the optimal therapy.

 The Echocardiogram

The echocardiogram is an extremely useful test for studying the heart’s anatomy. It is non-invasive and entirely safe, and when interpreted by well-trained cardiologists, is very accurate.

How is the echocardiogram performed?

The patient lies   on a bed or examination table, and the echo technician places a transducer (a device that resembles a computer mouse) over the chest wall. The transducer is moved back and forth across the chest wall, collecting several “views” of the heart.

The Stress Test

Some forms of cardiac disease are easily missed when the patient is at rest, because at rest the patient’s physical examination and ECG are often entirely normal. In these cases, cardiac abnormalities may become apparent only when the heart is asked to perform at increased workloads.

The stress test is used to evaluate the heart and vascular system during exercise. It helps to answer two general questions: 1) Is there occult underlying heart disease that only becomes apparent when the heart is stressed by exercise? 2) If there is underlying heart disease, how severe is it?

How is a stress test performed?

The patient is attached to an ECG machine, and a blood pressure cuff is placed on one arm. Sometimes a clothespin-like sensor is attached to the finger to measure the amount of oxygen in the blood. After a baseline ECG is obtained, the patient begins to perform a low level of exercise , either by walking on a treadmill, or pedaling a stationary bicycle. The exercise is “graded”- that is every three minutes, the level of exercise is increased. At each stage of exercise the pulse, blood pressure and ECG are recorded, along with any symptoms the patient may be experiencing.

With a “maximal” stress test, the level of exercise is gradually increased until the patient cannot keep up any longer because of fatigue, or until symptoms (chest pain, shortness of breath, or lightheadedness) prevent further exercise, or until changes on the ECG indicate a cardiac problem. Maximal stress tests should be performed when the goal is to diagnose the presence or absence of coronary artery disease.

After the test, the patient remains monitored until any symptoms disappear, and until the pulse, blood pressure and ECG return to baseline.

 Hope you liked this article!

This article is written by Dr. Bimal Chajjer (Heart Care Specialist)  

[gfiedlerbi214]

Unit 8

Cardiovascular Disease, Social Determinants of Health, Violence, and Global Health

How much/what do you already know about this topic?  What are you interested in learning about/initial questions.

I did not have much prior knowledge to cardiovascular disease. I am familiar of its’ many determinants and how it affects those that contract it. I do wonder if it affects certain populations more often and more severely than others. 

Go through the lecture.  For each item, take general notes.  What facts seem important to know?

Cardiovascular Disease

While often thought of as the same thing, heart disease and cardiovascular disease are different, involving different parts of your body.

Heart disease refers only to diseases of the heart and the blood vessel system within the heart.

Cardiovascular disease refers to diseases of the heart and diseases of the blood vessel system (arteries, capillaries, veins) within a person's entire body, such as the brain, legs, and lungs. "Cardio" refers to the heart and "vascular" refers to the blood vessel system.

Hypertension (High Blood Pressure) 

Arteriosclerosis (Hardening of the arteries)

Cerebrovascular Issues (stroke, TIA, etc)

Many health behaviors increase the risk of cardiovascular disease. These include:

Tobacco Use: Smokers have twice the risk of heart attack as nonsmokers. One-fifth of the annual 1,000,000 deaths from CVD are attributable to smoking. Surveillance data indicate that an estimated 1,000,000 young people become "regular" smokers each year.

Lack of Physical Activity: People who are sedentary have twice the risk of heart disease as those who are physically active. Despite these risks, America remains a predominantly sedentary society. Surveys show that more than half of American adults do not practice the recommended level of physical activity, and more than one-fourth are completely sedentary.

Poor Nutrition: Between 20% and 30% of the nation’s adults (some 58 million people) are obese and thus have a higher risk for heart disease, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and other chronic diseases and conditions such as diabetes. Only 27% of women and 19% of men report eating the recommended five servings of fruits and vegetables each day.

Bad Cholesterol: Proper ranges of cholesterol are also important in the prevention of heart attack or stroke. A fatty diet may actually trigger production of a blood-clot and contributes to atherosclerosis.  Cholesterol comes in two main varieties: low-density lipoprotein (LDL) and high-density lipoprotein (HDL).  LDL is often called the "bad" kind of cholesterol; in contrast, HDL is known as the "good" cholesterol and is believed to sweep cholesterol off of artery walls, thus acting in protection.  If a person has a total cholesterol of 200 mg/dL and an HDL cholesterol of 40 mg/dL, the total/HDL cholesterol ratio is 5:1. The goal is to keep this ratio below 5:1, with the ideal being below 3.5:1.

Social Determinants of Health

Health experience and opportunities for good health are not universal.  Depending on where you live, and what societal concerns you face, you may have vastly different health outcomes than someone living elsewhere.  We call these things "social determinants of health".

Health Disparities and Health Equity

Health disparities. Preventable differences in the burden of disease, injury, violence or opportunities to achieve optimal health that are experienced by socially disadvantaged populations. These are closely linked with social, economic and/or environmental differences.

Health equity. "Everyone has a fair and just opportunity to be as healthy as possible. This requires removing obstacles to health such as poverty, discrimination, and their consequences, including powerlessness and lack of access to good jobs with fair pay, quality education and housing, safe environments, and health care." (Robert Wood Johnson Foundation)

Violence

Violence is now recognized as a public health problem, but not long ago, the words "violence" and "health" rarely appeared in the same sentences.  

In the early 20th Century, infectious diseases were at the top of all threat and mortality lists.  

But beginning in the mid 20th Century, science began to discover vaccines, treatments and sometimes even cures for many diseases.  As those conditions became less prevalent, accidents and injuries began to move up the list.

Accidents and injuries are largely preventable--to the great frustration of public health workers.  

Violence is often a contributor, which is why we have been studying it and looking for new interventions for prevention.  

While anyone's health can be compromised by acts of violence, we're beginning to understand that children are the most vulnerable--and carry these experiences into the rest of their lives.

Global Health

Just as health issues affect different populations in America differently, health can vary widely by country.  

The World Health Organization was established to track health in countries around the world, and to look at issues that cross geographic borders. 

Thousands of organizations around the world are working to prevent illness and premature death.

What was the point of the videos? What are a few things I learned on the websites, and might the site be useful in the future? What questions do these resources bring up?  If you were telling someone else about this class, what would you share from this unit.

The video above along with the other supplemental videos in the cardiovascular section of the lecture are meant to breakdown the symptoms and steps taken while undergoing specific conditions. 

The video above describes what health disparities are.

All videos and websites were effective resources towards furthering my personal education of the topics. They will be important resources for anyone else that plans on taking this course. It does bring up questions about public policy and how our communities will continue to determine how to treat cases of violence amongst individuals.

As/after you engage in the Discussion: Can you summarize the question and the conclusions you and your classmates found? How do you feel about the issue now?

The discussion instructs us to answer along with the supplemental video:

Do you think gun violence should be treated as a public health concern (like we do diseases)?  Basically we're asking you to agree or disagree with the video and state why.  If you bring in additional facts, please cite your sources.

What are the biggest obstacles to tackling gun violence?  What are some myths that may be driving the gun debate off-course?  Are there other things that contribute to injury or death (not guns) that we could use as a reference for improving the public's health? Again, cite any information that comes from anywhere outside of your own brain.

My discussion response:

“Based on the number of gun related tragedies that have been circulating across the globe, I believe it is fair to say gun violence should be treated as a public health concern. A public health concern deals with an entire population, and unfortunately gun violence has found its’ way affecting large masses of people both directly and indirectly. It’s the combination of intentional violence and accidents that create such a complicated debate.  An unfortunately, it also includes those affected by mental illness- The greatest of pandemics. It’s difficult because through one perspective you would like to see federal regulation or laws regarding guns due to the horrible violence that we hear about on the news- Yet at the same time some may feel it’s important that we govern our personal safety and ensuring the government is not infringing on our second amendment rights. I feel as if there are external factors like mental health that correlate to these rises in gun violence. For some situations, by targeting the mental health finds itself as a huge factor towards choices behind gun violence. All of which hopefully can positively affect the overall public health. Generally, I feel everyone has the intentions of keeping the public health safe. I feel like one of the biggest obstacles tackling gun violence is the preservation of people’s freedom. Many do not believe this idea. But to me, there is a sense of responsibility that comes with properly owning a gun and I for one feel safer knowing I may own one to protect myself and my family. I also believe one of the biggest myths driving the gun-debate of course is the idea that there is some form of necessity behind having ownership of a gun.”

Peer response:

“I would like to add that sometimes people bring the argument of 2nd Amendment.  Just because you make it harder to get guns doesn’t mean your Second Amendment is being taken away. The person buying the gun should have to go through mental health screenings to see if they’re stable enough to handle guns. He/she should then be required to go every six months to retake mental health exams. It should be harder to get guns or certain attachments. They should be required to take a class to make sure they know how to handle guns. People complain that the government is trying to mess with the Second Amendment, which it really isn’t. People just need to grow up and deal with the fact that some folks may not be stable or knowledgeable enough to own a gun. The world is safer that way.”

The classmate that responded to me had a similar viewpoint in that he too supported the second amendment aspect of the argument. What stood out about their response is their point regarding mental health screenings [prior to gun purchases. I feel like there would be a lot of good and bad to this idea. Bad especially. I find it a form of infringement on second amendment rights. 

After you complete the Homework: What did you learn? What do you want to know more about?

My takeaway from completing the assignment helped provide a better understanding to the severity of Cardiovascular Disease. It’s extremely common amongst different populations. I chose to research CVD amongst women. I also learned about the public health statistics of the Philippines. The Philippines has many areas that are high in poverty. I was curious as to the health issues that bear onto the people of this island. I have family on my mother’s side that still live in the Philippines. I found it helpful to understand the health issues that may possibly be experienced by my family members. 

After you complete the Project: How was the experience? Any take-aways?

The biggest takeaway from the research project was the amount of information I was exposed to. The topic was clogged milk ducts leading into the breast infection known as mastitis. Because I had my own experience with this condition, it was the initial reason as to what prompted myself to choose the topic. I feel as if I can conquer the next time I feel as if there is blockage within my own milk supply as I continue my own breastfeeding journey.

General reflection on the unit--is there anything that feels important that you didn't mention above?  If you had free time, what topics might you want to look into further?

I felt as if the topics discussed in the last unit were appropriate topics to wrap up the course of Personal and Community Health. Social determinants of health, violence, and one of the most prevalent health conditions that affects thousands. If I had free time, I would research more into the various Cardiovascular Diseases and conditions that affect women so that I may be able to prepare myself or my female peers and loved ones.