#tomorrow may be hard but it won't be long at least... but i should probably try to avoid naps through the day 💔 rip

[daz4i]

sat down to write all ages in my au, at different points of the story. now, that was very stupid of me. because. that was a lot of math. and so. i worked my brain too much and now it's awake. and I've got an alarm set for less than 5 hours from now. wish me luck

[beanzwrites]

Ruby Red

Diluc Ragnivindr x Female! Reader

Description: (Y/n) ends up breaking something as the new maid of the Dawn Winery and meets Master Diluc for the first time.

☄. *. ⋆☄. *. ⋆☄. *. ⋆☄. *. ⋆☄. *. ⋆☄. *. ⋆☄. *. ⋆☄. *. ⋆☄. *. ⋆☄. *. ⋆☄. *.

It wasn't necessarily hard work, but it was tedious. (Y/n) couldn't help but to dig at the puffy sleeves that framed her shoulders as the fabric seemed to irritate her skin. She wasn't trying to be disrespectful, and (Y/n) would visibly cringe every time Adelinde's gaze casted over her.

She was grateful, don't get her wrong. Without the mercy Adelinde gave her with no experience, (Y/n) would probably still be in the city of Mondstat looking for work. She just didn't feel like herself in the rounded dress that was given for this particular job. Why do you have to dress this way just to clean a rich man's house?

"(Y/n), dear. Did you hear me?" Adelinde's voice calls out. The other maids giggle quietly to themselves as it was clear (Y/n) was lost in her thoughts.

"I'm sorry. What did you say?" (Y/n) asks after clearing her throat awkwardly.

"Would you be alright with cleaning the upstairs while these two works down here? I will be sure to give you a schedule and check on you now and again."

It was clear that the other two were adamant to be together as they clung to each other's arms like schoolgirls. It honestly made (Y/n) sick to see their giddy expressions. "I suppose not."

"Wonderful. I will see you in your designated spots momentarily."

☄. *. ⋆☄. *. ⋆☄. *. ⋆☄. *. ⋆☄. *. ⋆☄. *. ⋆☄. *. ⋆☄. *. ⋆☄. *. ⋆☄. *. ⋆☄. *.

Irritation seeps from (Y/n)'s pores as she dusts away at the mantle above her. The money was worth it, but doing double the work with something she wasn't used to make her muscles ache. Apparently, one of the girls who was training alongside (Y/n) got sick. Why the other had to leave with her made no sense, but at least Adelinde offered to finish up with her. Not that (Y/n) would leave the older woman to do this work herself; she had nowhere else to go anyway.

The sun barely lit the wooden floors of the Dawn Winery, and the servants began to light candles before their leave for the night. (Y/n)'s limbs ache from a long day's use, tiredness clawing at her eyes. (Y/n) found it harder to stand on the tips of her toes as she reached over her head to swipe the feather down brush behind the vases that stood on the shelving.

Unfortunately, (Y/n) hit one of the glasses with the edge of her knuckles and it slipped off with a loud shatter. She could barely process what happened before fiery red filled her vision.

"Step back, you'll step in it." A monotone voice commands, "What are you even doing here so late? All servants are required to go home before sundown."

(Y/n) observes the man dressed in black for a moment before kneeling down beside him. "I can clean up after myself, thank you."

She can feel his gaze on her as his hands still over the broken pieces. "Excuse me?"

The man sounded more confused if anything, but the tone caused (Y/n) to grovel regardless. "I, um... all I mean is that it was my clumsiness that caused this, so I should be the one that cleans it. Hopefully, I won't get into too much trouble." The last part was more to herself, but it caused the man to chuckle. Ruby eyes greet her as she looks at him in surprise. "What's so funny?"

"The vase had nothing of value, do not worry."

"How do you know?"

"Master Diluc," Adelinde says from behind, "I see you've met the new maid in training."

(Y/n)'s whole body feels as though spikes of ice went through her skin as the man beside her stands.

"I hope your day has been well," Adelinde says with a bow.

"It was fine, thank you. If you wouldn't mind, Adelinde, could you catch one of the workers from outside to throw out this glass. I request that this woman be sent home for the night."

"Yes, Master Diluc," Adelinde responds before turning towards the girl. "You may go home now, dear. Come back bright and early tomorrow morning."

It felt like time stood as (Y/n) lifted herself from the ground. She made sure to keep her head low as she passed by the two, embarrassment warming her cheeks.

"Goodnight, miss Adelinde," (Y/n) manages out before quickly shutting the door.

Adelinde lets out a sigh as she takes the broom off the wall to collect the smaller pieces of broken glass into a pile. Diluc remains fixated on the front door, eyes narrowing intensely.

"Adelinde... who was that girl?" He mutters.

"That was (Y/n). I found her looking for work in the city. I thought we could use the extra help," the woman answers.

"Hm... (Y/n) who?"

"She only gave me her first, sir. I didn't ask any further questions, I'm afraid."

"Interesting..." Diluc responds shortly before turning to the stairs, "I bid you goodnight, Adelinde."

[manonamora-if]

May Check-In

This is a bit late, because I've been debugging the past two days.

So I bought Tropico 6 during the last Steam sale. If you haven't seen me posting for a while, blame by wish to be a benevolent dictator of a fake Caribbean island.

Onto the usual index:

Recap of last month’s progress

IF Events in the Next Month (I won't do this anymore)

Plan for the next month

Still long post under the break. If you want a mini version, head on over to itch.io as usual!

April Progress

From last month, what did we do:

Play more games: ✅

I started so good, finishing reviewing the SeedComp! entries, as well as the Revival Jam and had started on the Spring Thing... then I got distracted by the TALJ and Tropico... I also need to update @manonamora-if-reviews at some point... It's at least 100 reviews behind.

Finish the Code of Ch5✅ of Harcourt and edit the Ending Chapter ✅

YES! IT IS DONE! I have finally fixed those godamn doors in the maze that were giving me so much trouble. Also MelS has gotten my edits on all the Chapters/files (and was given extra comments because I also fixed some code in previous chapters). He is hard at work dying editing the missing text.

The only thing left for me is to: - add the maze visuals (map, book/letter formatting) - settle on a design for the final maze puzzle (need to so some research) - include the missing chapter/text (waiting for MelS)

Finish fixing The Roads Not Taken. Or An Eggcellent Preparation. Maybe the other parser too (it just needs a smidge of polish).

LOL... This is the shameful failure that is following me around, ringing that darn bell.

Should i give up on it? Maybe one day...

Complete the TALJ entry. ✅

I have been battling this one the whole morning trying to fix so many bugs. But I'm pretty happy about it. For one: it was actually tested by someone (not like last year). For two: it's actually an easy parser (like you can't lose!).

And the idea had been ringing in my head for so long, I had the prompt submitted to last SeedComp!.

But yeah, this had been happening for a while already. And even though it doesn't have the level of polish I had hopped (future me problem with updates), it is probably one of the better one I've made.

Anyway, play Lysidice and the Minotaur (I'll have an official post tomorrow). (and you can vote for it if you want...)

What else happened this month????

Well, the SeedComp! ended, so I had to deal with all the admin, and making the cool stickers for the different entries. That took quite a bit of time... but worth it! Some really cool entries this year, yet again!

Well, this is more of it's been done last month but released this month: Les lettres du Docteur Jeangille has been translated into English, for the Spring Thing (in the Main Garden, if you feel like voting for games). You can find the post there!

I've been also drafting some post-mortems, one for Jeangille and one for Lysidice. They should come out during the month, at some point.

:/ I have to update my website again now...

I wanted to do an entry in the Dialogue Jam, but my idea didn't pan out on time (too buggy for release). Or eer... cough cough... I had enough will power not to do it? Anyway, also I made the Really Bad IF Jam, which starts today!

What’s happening in May?

As mentioned at the start, I'm dropping this section from my check-in. First, it's buried deep in a wall of text, so no visibility (it should have been a separate post, oh well). If people actually check the events out, I'm sure it would be a miracle.

But mainly... a zine has popped up recently, specifically about IF called What's New in IF? (@if-whats-new), releasing weekly. Since it includes events, like the jams/comps/conferences I used to mention here (and it looks more sleek than a Tumblr post), I'll just leave them do all that hard work instead 😅

So yea... as long as the zine is happening, I'm out 😅 Well, I'll drop them links to my jams and stuff I see, because they seem to be looking for help in finding stuff.

The PLANtm for May

I'm playing Tropico, so I'm getting and will probably going to get less stuff done. Which is not a bad think. Breaks are important. Will I go on a break this month?

Probably should...

But if I don't, where's what I hope to do:

Play more games: On my juicy list I have: the Spring Thing, the newly released Dialogue Jam and TALJ, the Locus Jam and Really BAD IF is happening this month too (so more gameses!), and a few non-comp releases I've had my eye on.

Code Chapter 6/Endings: I need to wait for MelS for this, since he's editing my comments. I'll prob look for visuals for the puzzle in the meantime.

Fixing an older games. Instead of new, do something old.

Write the next Chapter/Scene of a WIP, because it would be good to actually do that. And make some actual progress at seeing stuff being done. (I want to write some Razac snippets....)

Let's have a boring month!

~

The 2024 To-Do List:

LOL, I've only done the website! :D

The hopefully maybe easy to handle To-Do:

fix the bugs in EDOC + overall the French version to match (waiting for Adventuron to get the French language)

fix the bugs of TRNT + find a way to add the missing pieces (giving up on the translation)

fixing the interface of LPM and the popups + check animal interactions

figure out the One-Button JavaScrip/jQuery issue...

edit the loading screens of the completed tiny games to include the program/format logo at least.

The 'Need a Bunch of Content to update but it's planned!' To-Do:

Update my website (bunch new title - also I don't think the logo clicky thing work...) + redo my itch page

Finish TTATEH (MelS dependent)

Finish Exquisite Cadaver (half-way mark by this summer - manif)

Finish P-Rix - Space Trucker (main path at least)

Update CRWL (it's been almost two years... I'm ashamed)

The Unlikely But it Would be Dope To-Do

Finish The Dinner as it was planned (and translate)

Finish In the Blink of an Eye as it was planned (and retranslate)

Finish The Rye in the Dark City

Fixing TTTT (at least fixing, maybe try adding some storylets)

And finally The 'It's impossible, but one can wish' TO-DO:

Remaster SPS IH (if I managed to start this after completing the rest... I'm going to eat a whole sheet cake).

Start the IFComp project (2025? Might end up being a ST?)

[mysteryshoptls]

SR Vil Schoenheit Lab Coat Personal Story: Part 2

"More accurate than any scale"

(Part 1) Part 2

[Heartslabyul Dorm – Kitchen]

Trey: Sorry to keep you waiting, Vil. Here's your herbal tea.

Vil: Thank you, Trey. …What a nice fragrance.

Trey: I also brought some cake, just in case. I just baked it today.

Vil: I can certainly see that it is something for you to be proud of. However, I'll refrain and simply have the herbal tea.

Vil: …Mm, it's delicious. Where did you get these tea leaves?

Trey: At the Mystery Shop. They seldomly get tea from this long-standing brand in stock, so.

Trey: If you like it, do you want to take some with you? I got a lot of it, and I feel like the flavor will fade before I can finish it all.

Vil: Then, I suppose I shall. Will you wrap it up for me later?

Trey: So… what were you saying earlier? What did Rook do?

Vil: It wasn't really anything. If I must tell you, I guess I'd just say that he just watches me too closely?

Vil: I guess it's more or less convenient that he can sense changes about me faster than I can.

Vil: But don't you think he's absolutely the worst to just ask me point blank if I've gained weight?

Vil: Honesty and lack of tact are two separate things. Perhaps he left his tact in the forest.

Trey: Ah… Yeah, he probably shouldn't have said it that way.

Trey: Rook's the type to say whatever's on his mind, for better or worse, so it's surprised me from time to time, too.

Vil: Hm. It should have been obvious, but I see he's like that during club, too.

Trey: Like, just the other day, he said that the experiment that our advisor set up for the club to do would be "boring as it is now"…

Trey: So, we ended up having to do a real complicated experiment. All the first years were pretty much unable to do anything at all.

Vil: I can definitely picture that happening.

Vil: And I'm sure you were there helping out those first years, weren't you?

Trey: I don't know how much help I was, but yeah, I guess.

Vil: So hard working, all the time…

Vil: Riddle is quite lucky that you're in Heartslabyul.

Trey: Eh?

Vil: It comes up during the Dorm Leader meetings from time to time, that you're an exceptional Vice Dorm Leader.

Trey: Oh, man… That's the first I'm hearing of it. Honestly, it's a little surprising.

Trey: I just don't want to lose my head, is all. I haven't done anything worth that much praise.

Vil: Don't be so modest. Accept the compliments when they're given to you.

Vil: Those who cannot see your true nature may be completely taken in by your humility.

Vil: Well, if that's the kind of impression you want to leave, that's fine, but… Generally, you'll come out worse for wear.

Trey: That's a bit harsh. But I'm sure you know what you're saying, especially since you're always in the public's judging eye.

Trey: I'll try to slightly change how I do things from now on.

Vil: Please do. That'll also make the one who complimented you feel better as well.

Vil: Besides, you won't pile on so much stress if you just let yourself be happy at least when you're receiving praise.

Vil: Especially since you're usually running around taking care of a spoiled little boy, after all.

Trey: Oh, it’s not like I'm stressing out over Riddle.

Vil: Well, okay. Whatever you say.

Trey: No, it's true. That's because I know the secret to not being stressed.

Vil: Oh, a secret? Now I'm curious.

Trey: Do you want to know?

Vil: Well, aren't you acting all high-and-mighty all of a sudden?

Trey: I'll only tell you once, so listen well.

Vil: Alright…

Trey: Don't skimp on the sweets, especially cake with a ton of fruit on it.

Vil: Ugh. You were putting on such airs, and I got so drawn in. …Heh.

Vil: Fine. I'll have one slice of your fruit cake.

Vil: I'll just have to increase how much I run tomorrow morning.

Trey: Maybe this isn't something I need to tell you, since you're a model, but…

Trey: I don't think a single cake slice will change your figure that much. You're already pretty thin, anyway.

Vil: I'd rather you say I'm "toned," not "thin."

Vil: However, Rook's sharp gaze is more accurate than any scale. And perhaps better than a mirror, as well.

Trey: Wow…

Vil: Mm, it's delicious. Trey, did your skills increase yet again?

Vil: If you ever lose your head to Riddle, come see me. I'll make you my dormitory's exclusive pastry chef.

Trey: I'll do my best so that doesn't happen.

Trey: I bet it'll be a lot of calorie counting if I had to make pastries over in Pomefiore.

Vil: And that would also be a good way to improve as well, now, wouldn't it?

(Part 1) Part 2

[tcfkag]

2024 and the Return of the To-Done List

So, after a year during which (a) our daughter ran full-speed (literally) into the trying two's, (b) I had multi-focal pneumonia that resulted in a week or two in the hospital (including a brief sojourn in the ICU), (c) I had bizarre, seemingly inexplicable seizures for the first time ever [which meant I couldn't drive for six months...right after we moved to a semi-"rural" town...for the northeast that is], (d) had an acute kidney injury, (e) had several bouts of unexplained pitting edema in my legs, (f) started a new job that I actually really like, even if there is a steep learning curve, and (g) lost my Mom after a long battle with mild to moderate dementia/Alzheimer's that then dropped off a cliff into end-stage dementia in less than six months (depending on how you count it), and (h) just generally felt like I was never managing my physical or mental health as well as I could or should be, I'm going to try to make some changes. These aren't resolutions because I truly think that New Year's resolutions just set you up to fail. Instead, I'd call them goals. Or, at least, hope that I want to support with action as much as I can. While still giving myself grace knowing that I can and probably will mess up along the way. But, the first step is that I'm going to try to bring back a kind of journaling-like activity (since I suck at journaling) that my old therapist recommended when I was feeling like this before. Each day I make a list, generally on Tumblr for at least a tiny modicum of peer pressure, and I just make a list of everything I've done that day. No matter how big or how small. As she put it "make it your base assumption that each day, you will do absolutely nothing, so you get credit for everything, even things as simple as showering. I frequently restart these lists when my depression and anxiety have gotten bad enough that I know I'm not taking care of myself, mentally and physically, so a big part of my goals are (a) to move more [in whatever form that takes], (b) eating healthier, and (c) to take care of several medical/dental appointments that I've been putting off for way too long. The beauty of the list is that, a lot of the time, I ended up doing stuff BECAUSE of the list. So that I won't be staring at an empty page as I try to make my list each year.

Things I'm proud of today...so far:

when we took Peanut to the trampoline park to burn off some of her "no daycare today suckers" energy and this time, I bought a jump pass for myself. I only made it ~30 minutes but it was a great work-out. 10/10 would recommend.

I took the dogs for the "long" trail walk out to the back of our property,

I did a core and flexibility routine this morning,

I decided to take one for the team and point out to my Uncle that the nostalgia he feels about Aunt Jemimah as a syrup mascot isn't as important as the company making money off the likeness of a woman who died 100 years ago who was used as a stand in for the generic idea of what an enslaved (or recently freed) Black woman did or should do, and (finally)

this one is a few days late, but not only did we drive 12+ hours to visit my in-laws for Christmas, but we also stopped in NJ in both directions to pick up Monotasker's Aunt who is 80-years-old, hard of hearing, and in the early stages of dementia or Alzheimer's and I didn't even lose my shit at a single person...even the ones who deserved it.

Happy New Years everyone!

"May the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows." (Jason Mraz) And even if the worst of your todays are the best of your tomorrows, I hope you can still find your way out and through by the light of the moon to guide you.

[irresistiibles]

beneath the cut is a far too long event starter/plot call! feel free to like this and i will come bother you on discord probably tomorrow. this is also a starter call, though i definitely tend to prefer plotting first you're welcome to just hop in and request things with that being said i'm working on clearing out a lot of my older threads. if you request two people we previously had a thread for i will probably drop the old one unless it is extremely plot heavy, and in general i am going to use the event as a way to clear out my older things that have been reaching an end.

amber: not too worried, but could definitely get it in her head that she should go out and play detective to help people and try to drag others into the nonsense as well

asami sato: she pays for a good security system and knows several different ways to defend herself. she's a little on edge just because it's yet another thing and she's tired, but is mostly feeling alright all things considered.

ciel phantomhive: also pays for good security and isn't letting himself stress out too much, or at least that's how he's coming off. will be pretty dismissive towards anyone that brings it up but potentially go looking for answers on his own.

starters (1/?): lizzie midford

columbina: she's amused more than anything i'm afraid. really, if you're going to kill someone she thinks you should do it with a bit more tact or care, but she's got morbid interests and could definitely be found looking for, or even tampering with evidence, more for amusement rather than answers though.

emily daivs: very unhappy and a little harsly paranoid about it. she's already worked way too hard to survive, she is not letting just some nobody in washington take her out. with that said she's going to be pretty careful around jsut about anyone. if she doesn't know you she doesn't trust you and she wants you at least five feet away from her at all times.

esther mckinnon: tired of these things happening, but not making too many changes in her life to be careful. she's going to text the family and try and make sure they're all good but beyond that she doesn't want to let some weirdness change her day to day life and make things unbearable. it's not that she doesn't care but she can't halt her life every two months when washington gets wild

starters (1/?): marlene mckinnon

gerard of greenleigh: anxious frog dad continues to be anxious, sort of. listen, murders aren't exactly new considering the life he was living back home, but still! everyone here is making it sound like a big deal so he feels like it's a big deal!! he is not investigating at all. he is trying to make sure ylfa and ros are safe and then just keep his nose out of it

starters (1/?): ylfa

glinda upland: honestly? she knows she is not the type to solve a murder. she is trying to stay out of it, and just not be lurking around alone. will drag people to do just about anything with her so that there's safety in numbers, but that's about it. she's not getting too worked up by it. she'll talk theories with some people but she won't be good at it and may just confuse everyone involved

starters (1/?): irina denali

gu zi: concerned for sure, but also doesn't know what he could actually do about it. checking in on the people he knows, but otherwise is trying to stay out of it and let the authorities handle it

inej ghafa: so many concerns. first and foremost she's looking out for her people, especially the unaware ones who might not be able to defend themselves as well. after that she's definitely doing a lot of lurking, trying to grab whatever information she can. she means well and will try and help people if it's ever needed, and is sort of looking into things, but from a much more quiet point of view. she's not throwing herself into it for everyone to see

starters (1/?) : jesper fahey

jin ling: tired! will threaten to fight if you seem weird even though he shouldn't! trying to keep track of seven thousand family members. not going anywhere without his dog who will attack on command. he's worked up but what else is new

starters (1/?): wei wuxian

lily evans: trying!! to stay out of it. she's nosy, and has a good sense of judgement, so she could wind up looking into things and being involved even though she knows it's not the smart thing to do, but her intention truly is to keep her distance and let the authorities handle it.

luo qingyang: another one who would like to avoid drama as much as possible. this isn't her problem, though she'll definitely be a little more defensive. carrying her sword around more than normal and will pull it out if it feels necessary, but not running around trying to solve and fucking mysteries.

madoka kaname: very stressed! wants to help but doesn't really know how. honestly she's mostly staying out of it but if you catch her near a murder sight or evidence she would be very easy to talk into investigating cause she wants to do the write thing

starters (1/?): homura akemi

mei nianqing: tired. looking for jun wu cause man is convinced he has something to do with all of this, but isn't doing a lot to actively solve or fix anything outside of that. this is a problem for younger people

nico di angelo: mostly uncaring. he doesn't think anyone's gonna come kill him and even if they do like ? cool he apparently comes right back. he's worried about his sisters but beyond that man is truly chilling with mcdonalds. life goes on.

nie huaisang: keeping up with the news but beyond that staying out of it. this is an art student, what the fuck is he supposed to do about it. if you approach him and he thinks you seem shady he will absolutely start screaming at the top of his lungs with zero remorse. he would rather be an annoying idiot than dead. can talk theory and be pretty smart about it if you make him focus long enough.

pearl: this is a human problem which means it's not her problem, though she also doesn't respect the cops and would tamper with evidence on the basis of like "i can definitely figure this out faster how has no one been caught yet." will investigate if she's around the area or someone asks her to but isn't going out of her way to do it

princess zelda: is this her problem? no. is zelda a nosy little know-it-all who will have a hard time completely staying away from it? absolutely yes. she knows it's not the smart thing but will keep trying to head around areas where bodies were found and look around. someone please either get her to relax or encourage the bad behavior.

shang qinghua: highkey staying out of it. this just is not his problem, and he's not investigating murders without any money being offered. honestly, he is not that worried. like he'll carry a knife with him in case but he's surprisingly good at surviving, and he doesn't consider himself particularly fun to murder. just don't sneak up on him for the next two weeks or you might wind up with an accidental stab wound

starters (1/?): qi yan

shi qingxuan: trying to stay out of it. a little worried that one of the two morally dubious people she's close to could be involved somehow but absolutely does not want to ask. qingxuan is head empty though and is relatively still way too trustworthy throughout this whole thing and would be way too easy to murder.

starters (1/?): ling wen

toph beifong: relatively unbothered. toph can take care of herself and knows that. confident she could body like anyone in washington if need be. if someone wants to play detective they'll take backup for fun, but isn't going to run in and do anything herself out of the blue.

starters: (2/?): ty lee, katara

victor nikiforov: another fool who is way too casual about the whole thing. sure there's murderers out there but he's still gonna go out and do his thing. why would they come after him? he's too handsom to be murdered. someone should probably attempt to talk some sense into him. he's not investigating, but if he comes across anything that feels weird he will post on instagram about it

yin yu: he's not investigating unless he's explicitly told to. he tries to be a good person, but he's pretty sure you don't need to jump into solving a murder to qualify for that. a little careful because he's the type to keep to quieter areas and the shadows and probably realizes that maybe he has to go out into crowds more until this is handled, but that's his biggest struggle. will tell people to chill and not run in and play hero if he has to

zagreus: speaking of running in and playing hero, this man absolutely would be like "alright, i have to lend and hand and solve things!" sticking his nose anywhere and everywhere, sharing theories with people, being way up in people's faces about getting things solved. he's annoying but he means well.

zhongli: another tired old man. he's trying to keep the people he cares about safe, especially since a lot (if not all) of them are young and reckless and he knows they're going to run head first into this stuff. he's not investigating, but does have a lot of knowledge and is happy to sit and talk theories with anyone who is.

starters (1/?): amelia shepherd

[tia-amorosa]

Sunset Died - Bunch Family (2)

At the hospital, Judy has an interesting conversation with Yumi. "I was at the town hall two days ago and handed in my Testament. "/"oh, I thought you would have done that a long time ago"/"no, when my son was still alive, I hadn't given it much thought. But now… It's important to me that Sam is well when I'm gone. I don't want him to end up in an orphanage or with the wrong people.“.

"and who did you have in mind instead? would you like to hand over guardianship to someone?"/ "yes,… things are going very well for the little one at the moment, Morgana and her husband are taking very good care of him…". Judy raised her eyebrows with a smile. "The two of them?"/ "mhm. And I really hope he'll be fine. Besides, I don't think it will be long before they have a family of their own." Judy had to smile a little. "my goodness, the things you notice, hnhn…".

"Well, it's unavoidable to hear something in this house that you shouldn't necessarily hear. But I very much hope that they will accept my wish"/ "I hope so… And if not, I'm sure we'll find another solution, you won't be alone, Sam"/ "I'd at least like to see my son's gravestone given a good place in the cemetery"/ "You will, I promise".

Later, while the children are busy with themselves and the wife is on her way home, Jack takes care of the garden. It's a miracle that the blast didn't tear the apple trees out of the ground. The ones he had planted before his children were born. "I might have to get rid of the weeds".

It's just after 8 p.m. when Judy arrives back home. And Jack is always happy when she's back. Since his accident, he has been concentrating more on his family and getting to know and appreciate his wife again. "it's good to have you home again".

"I always come home, Jack"/ "I know. But since this thing, I've just become a bit more sensitive. It's almost embarrassing… I'm actually in the military and I'm used to other things. I've seen comrades die… And friends here…"/ "And I'm still here. I need your help, Jack, or rather Morgana and Jamie".

They sat down together on the sofa. "What's wrong with them?"/ "There's nothing wrong with them, but they would like to expand their equipment for the infirmary. They found an intact X-ray machine in the cellar under the old hospital. But it doesn't work without electricity…"/ "mhm, that's logical, yes"…

"They would need a generator to get the thing running. and they would only ever switch it on when they really need it. After that, it's turned off again, to save gas, of course"/ "finding a generator isn't the hardest thing, but gas?"/ "maybe at the old gas station? It can't all have been burnt there"/ "no".

"It's been a while, there was a rumor that they had found an underground pipe through which the petrol was pumped out of the filling station and diverted"/ "and where to?"/ "The old warehouse,…they've probably already sold it all on the black market"/ "do you think? Maybe there are still some leftovers there…"/ "Nobody drives here by car anymore anyway".

"That doesn't have to mean anything, Jack. There's bound to be something else. Can't you check?"/ "hmm…"/ "Or ask Xander. He may have chosen the wrong side, but he's got his heart in the right place… He works there"/ "Well, you can't call it work either… OK, is there still time until tomorrow?"/ "Sure. I'll make us dinner now".

While Judy is preparing dinner, her son can come to her. "Couldn't Holly stay?"/ "No, she wanted to be a decent daughter and sleep between mommy and daddy again."/ "She's not really doing that?"/ "No, of course not,… What are you making?"/ "Cheese noodles"/ "with that disgusting milk powder? Oh man… Do you know what would be important here? A few cows"/ "and where should we get them?"/ "yeah… good question…".

The day draws to a close and night falls. Lisa managed to be home in time for dinner. She was supposed to be home earlier, but… As is the case with teenagers, they always find it hard to get away from each other.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

End of Part 2

@greenplumbboblover 💓

Poses by @poses-by-bee 🥰

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary141

2/2-3/2024

friday - saturday

i have sunday off, but i do work tomorrow.

somehow there's gonna be 17 birthday parties? fucked up and stupid.

i don't wanna talk about work too much, i hate doing that, but i'll say so far it's okay, it doesn't have to mean a lot as long as i don't make it mean a lot. i can let my mind go elsewhere.

today was really rough though, for other reasons, my gf and i got woken up by knocking on our neighbor's door, because her dog got out when she went to work, and thsi guy was like, you guys take the dog, wouldn't it be best, and then we had to, and my gf left, and i was here with this dog. i didn't mind it too much but it was so stressful, i couldn't go work on music or record because of it, i could only sit and read, and i finished wiseblood, but it made me think about how awful the world is, towards the middle of the book hazel motes is preaching, he says ""your conscience is a trick. it don't exist though you may think it does, and if you do think it does, you had best get it out in the open and kill it, because it's no more than your face in the mirror is or your shadow behind you. (...) if you don't hunt it down and kill it, it'll hunt you down and kill you." and then a lot of other stuff, hazel's desire to escape shame as a construct, to escape needing to be saved, and then to decide finally, to give himself over to penance entirely, paying for what but his existence, for having been in the first place, cursed with life. i was really overcome with this awful feeling, about how life should not be this bad, or how upsetting everything is lately, how i can't feel clean, i literally can't feel clean, i can't have that kind of peace, and there's all this stress and fear, and the world is just this bad, and i am cursed with life too, and i wish many things weren't how they are, and thoughts of penance and so on, it overwhelmed me, that life feels like punishment since the ending of last year basically, or december i guess. i cried very hard, the hardest in a very long time, maybe in years. i could not stop myself from wailing as i did it, and i can't even tell what hurt me so much. i thought about the dog, and if his owner had died, and how i was responsible for him now, and it was all so much, i am very weak i guess, but i kept crying for a while, longer than usual at least. 15 minutes maybe, during all of it, the dog was jumping at me, trying to cheer me up i guess, or help me not be in pain, is probably what he thought of it.

eventually before i had to leave, my gf came home, and she went to the office, and they let her bring the dog into the neighbor's place. this little dog gets out all the time, so it'll probably be something we deal with. it'll be really really irritating.

when i came home, something i thought about was how i don't have a key for the gate. i need to be let in. another reason this place won't feel like home. but i also thought, it's not like i need to be working actually, i can leave any time i want. it's a lower grade form of that cioran quote, about how knowing you can kill yourself any time you want makes you think, well i don't have to do it now, knowing is enough. it's also like his quote about how it's too late to kill yourself, because you've been already born. i think he's not that smart, but that stuff has stuck with me. that kind of thing is hard to shake, always, for me at least.

i quote it on the album i am working on in lyrics, but another similar quote is from tess of d'urbevilles by thomas hardy:

“Did you say the stars were worlds, Tess?" "Yes." "All like ours?" "I don't know, but I think so. They sometimes seem to be like the apples on our stubbard-tree. Most of them splendid and sound - a few blighted." "Which do we live on - a splendid one or a blighted one?" "A blighted one.”

i wonder if i've posted it before. i do think about it a lot. hardy is one of the authors i had to read in college that meant a lot to me, immediately. incredible author.

i guess what makes the quote special is that it singles us out, as uniquely awful, i don't know if i feel that's true or not. i guess not, there is no special emergency of earth, we're just in a regular tide, i guess what i've been thinking is it doesn't need to feel cursed, life, or it doesn't need to actually be cursed, the world could be not like this, if we weren't pitted against entropy, our blight is in our toiling against it, against time, everything else. the cybernetic hell and whatever.

there's points towards the end of wiseblood, of hazel's penance, his rituals of suffering, and the futility of them, not because he doesn't believe or something, but because he will never be rid of something, as deep as guts are, it's not shame, it's just guilt.

flannery's catholicism is really interesting, it makes me reflect on my upbringing, feeling haunted by it. she's certainly devout, where i am totally atheistic, at least i feel like i am. i guess i can't ever shake it entirely, i used to pray very seriously and fearfully, and there is a guilt at my center, about being, and doing things. every thing i did wrong was conferred unto me with lashes by my father, from his belt, most of what i did wrong, was things they did not understand. i think this is regular. but it's interesting to think about, that kind of ritual, beyond the discussions re: beltings on the ass or wherever creating sexual trauma in children, likely true in my experience, is that it leaves one with the feeling they need to pay physically, for wrongdoing. i should like to bleed for mistakes, sometimes, it seems like the only way to express something, but i don't think that's true.

crazy that this vid uses a man ray short for video footage. love this song though. fun way to cap off these ruminations. who says it's good to be alive, it ain't no good, it's a perpetual jive.

a coworker tonight asked if i smoke and drink, and i said no, i wondered if he thought i was like a religious freak, and i thought about clarifying, but i didn't, i wonder if i'll have to. one day. maybe.

also, that new silent hill game is so bad it's crazy, it's honestly a little unbelievable. can't wait for all the other awful things konami does.

thinking right now about this scene in jubilee, by derek jarman, where this older punk guy is talking to adam ant who just plays someone named kid, and quotes a richard hell song, saying he belongs to the blank generation, and adam ant is just kind of laughing. both of them end up dead, killed by cops, adam ant's character tried/briefly met success thru 'selling out' basically, strange movie, interestingly critical of punk, it's never wrong outright, or anything, i don't disagree with its observation of how punk failed into a kind of success, something defanged, or a way of defanging. so why do i still care so much about it. i dunno. it's been the kind of music i've listened to since i was younger, not the 70s stuff but everything i've liked is touched by it, in very obv ways.

obviously there's parts of it that managed to get out, do something else. interesting to think vivienne westwood was acknowledged by the queen positively though. i forget whatever she was made.

the defanging of the obvious expressions of punk is so tragic, though. there was this bar we lived close to, and now live farther from, that's like a punk place. i went crazy in there once and screamed i wanted to die and that everyone in there made me sick, and then i took a flash photo while leaving of people. when i said i wanted to die, people were like, yeahhhh. there was some loser with my gf and i and my friend, my friend and the loser both from the internet. i can't get too into that becuz that loser made me delete a piece of writing i did about my experience with them.

anyway, here's the photo i took then:

i think that guy is giving me the finger.

tomorrow, i will definitely do music tomorrow, and i'll be happy and stuff and whatever i think.

anyway i need to sleep soon so:

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

Good Girl, Bad Boy (Pt. 07 of 15)

Pairing: Billy Hargrove X Reader

Word count: 1.6 K

Summary: You're the extreme opposite of Billy Hargrove. The good girl, with perfect grades, the child every mother wants to have. And you don't want to have nothing to do with his kind. Ignoring Billy – and his constant, lingering stare – became an habit. But after you're put together for a special school program, you'll have no choice but to get along with him. And soon enough you'll find out that Billy is so much more than just Hawkins' bad boy.

<-Previous part (06)

Next part (08) ->

{Stranger Things Masterlist}

{Dacre Montgomery Masterlist}

×

Don't Go

Billy did threw the keychain away when he got home. It was on the trash can he has in his bedroom, beside the desk. It remained there, among a few school papers for half an hour before he took it again.

It went right back to it's previous place at the nightstand.

Billy is deliberately skipping class. It's the fourth day now, and he doesn't feel like he'll be returning tomorrow.

He leaves everyday at the same time he would for school, and returns after. But he drives to lonely places where he thinks he can run away from his own mind. But it is everywhere he goes.

She is everywhere he goes.

Billy Hargrove did considered going back to his old ways. He even managed to make his way to the phone, ready to call Stacy again. But when he picked up the phone, he caught himself halfway through her number. The number that belongs to the girl he can't stop thinking about. To the girl he can't ruin. Whose life he can't destroy.

She's too good for him, and he knows that. An angel, as stupid as it may sound coming from a asshole like him. Because that's what Billy thinks he is. He'd live a thousand lifetimes and never deserve (Y/N). Her smile, her laughter, her blushing cheeks. Her amazing, sweet scent, that shine in her eyes when she looks at him.

What does that even mean?

Billy is looking at Hawkins, parked on this cliff. (Y/N) would like it, and he wonders if she ever came here. Probably not, since the only people who know this place are those who come here for a hook up. There are a lot of places Billy would like to show her, some of them would take an hour drive through the woods, but it's worth it. He found them soon after getting into town, because he couldn't handle to stay still, so he drove. Pretty much as he's doing now, constantly running away from something that's inside of him.

Sighing, he pushes the car door close. At this time, he should be leaving school, going to her place as always. Today they'd go over the Biology class, if he's not mistaken. (Y/N) loves it, mostly when it's about animals. She loves birds. She didn't had to tell him that, he got it from the way she smiled as the teacher spoke.

These little things, the small details, as silly as they may be, are making him fall harder.

But he can't.

Well, he can.

But not her. Billy knows who he was. Or who he still is. So he knows what people will say about her. They'll call (Y/N) mean names, say she's just another of his sluts. And that's something he can't do, not to her.

But despite knowing this is the right thing to do, it hurts. It hurts that he has to step away from her, for good this time. Billy doesn't know how he'll live from now on without their daily meetings. Without her soft voice, her sweet scent inebriating him every damn time.

He has it bad.

It's only worse because he remembers it clearly, that day at that stupid parlor, how she said they could try. They could wait and see what happens.

That was a chance. A small one, that probably would lead to nothing, but still, a chance. Something he never thought he'd get. Not with (Y/N). But now, he won't even try anymore.

This might be love, he thinks. Putting someone else's well being before his own.

It's a hard thing to acknowledge, but when it's real, there's no way to run from it.

Sighing, Billy starts the car, putting the daisy keychain on the passenger seat. For a moment he sees her image, looking at him and smiling. On the next second, it's gone.

With a weight on his chest, he maneuvers the car, heading back to the hell on Earth he calls home.

“I don't know, Nan. He just... He disappeared. Like smoke in the air and I don't know why.” Sitting shotgun in Nancy's car, you let your heart out. Billy didn't show up at school last week, and not today either. It's been five days already, and he doesn't even answer your calls.

“You know Billy Hargrove, (Y/N). I'm not impressed with this sudden change and neither should you.”

“No, Nan...” Running a hand through your hair, you sigh. “Trust me, Billy... He's not like that. Not with me at least and I know what you'll say. That he lies to get girls but... I've seen how he treats them and so have you. He... He never yelled at me, or called me bad names, he...” You're defending him. The idiot fled with no explanation and still, you're defending him.

“(Y/N), I trust your judgment.” She stops by your place, turning her body towards you. “If what you're saying it true, go after him.”

“I–”

“Look, I get that you don't want to talk about it because you're scared of having feelings for the bad boy, and I'll wait until you're ready, but honestly, I think you know what you feel.”

Looking down at your hands, you blush. “I really like to be around him, Nancy.” Your voice is low and weak, as you admit it to her and to yourself at the same time. “And I miss him.”

“Don't call him, then. Go after him.” She touches your shoulder, smiling. “...Just don't let Steve know Billy is making you sad because you know he'll freak out.”

“God, no!” Giggling, you reach for your bag on the backseat. Steve looks out for you, even now, and it's good to know he has your back. But you definitely don't need the two guys having a fight over some misunderstanding. “Tell him I'm fine. Because I am. I'll... I'll fix things. And if Billy does want to stay away from me for whatever reason... I'll be alright.”

“Good luck and call me if you need anything.”

“I will. Thank you, Nan.” Giving her a hug, you step out of the car, heading inside. “Mom! I'm home!”

“Hi, darling!” She shouts from upstairs. Taking the chance, you run to the phone, quickly dialing Billy's number. It's not the first time you call, and whenever he picks up, you say ‘hello’ and the call is cut. It breaks your heart every time.

“Who's this?” A female voice answers, slightly pissed.

Relieved, you breathe out. “Hi, Max. It's (Y/N).”

“AKA the reason why the shitface has been locked in his bedroom like a jerk.” She speaks fast, and you furrow your eyebrows and giggle. “I think Billy is in love with you or something.”

“What?” Max says as if it's no big deal, as if she didn't made your heart start beating insanely fast, neck and cheeks heating up. “I-I don't think–”

“Billy never gets upset over a girl so...” Her voice fades, and you hear something in the back, wondering if it's Billy. “He has your keychain, by the way. A daisy flower.”

“Keychain?” You don't remember any keychains, so you just sigh, pacing around. “Max, can you do me a favor? I'm going there so don't let Billy go anywhere. And when I ring the door bell, let him answer it, please.”

“Alright. But don't take too long. Neil will be back around eight.”

“I'm going now. Thanks.” And you hang up, heading to the front door. “Mom, I'm going to get Billy!”

“Alright!” Good thing she doens't ask much questions, God bless her for that.

You try not to drive too fast, and you try to tell yourself this is no big deal. But you don't know what will happen. Preparing yourself for a heartbreak sounds good, so you decide to expect the worse.

So when you're parking on the sidewalk in front of Bill'y house, you know what you'll do. You'll put a finger on his face and ask what the hell he's thinking skipping class like that.

When you reach the front door, you realize you've never been here. Well, Billy did dropped his sister a few times before driving back to your place. And then, you're whole act drops. “Damn it.” Pressing the door bell, you wonder if you'd have enough time to just run back to the car and leave. There's a discussion inside the house, with Billy telling Max to get the door, and she refusing. You would have time to run, but you decide to be brave. So you stand your ground, pressing the bell again.

“Damn you, Maxine.” Billy groans, and on the next second the door is violently pulled open.

You freeze, watching as Billy's face drops. “Hi.” You mutter, looking down at your hands, blushing. You shouldn't be here. This is stupid. Whatever Billy said at Scoops Ahoy, it's over. But still, you want to try. To break through him, even if it means you'll be pushed further away. “C-can we talk?”

There's silence, several seconds of silence. And you curse yourself. Billy would never like you. He's the bad boy Nancy warns you about, that girls like you should avoid. Biting your lip, you feel your throat burning, tears wanting to make their way to your eyes.

“Nevermind, I shouldn't have come.” Pushing the words out, you turn on your heels to leave. But Billy grabs your arm, forcing you to stop. “Let go.” You beg, looking back at him. Your heart is breaking and you don't even know why. You just need to be away from Billy right now, and from all these feelings boiling inside you.

“No, please, just... Don't go.” His grip gets loose, and his hand slides from your forearm to your hand, and he holds it, pulling you inside. “Come in.”

Taking a deep breath, you weakly nod, letting him pull you into the house.

×

@multific @clockworkballerina @tina1938 @graciehams @moatsnow @all-the-stars-on-your-skin @captain039 @rebelemilu @vivian-likes-frogs @prettyinpunk85

[pedrosbrat]

Sorrow You Are My Light {Pero Tovar x Max Phillips x F!Reader}

CHAPTER I : Insomnia

AU - Vampire Hunters

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 4.9k

Warnings: Angst, Nightmares, Language, alcohol, yearning, violence (fight) , mention of murder, sword, blood …

Summary: You and Pero were united by fate in your youth due to a tragic event. You will seek revenge from the creature that caused your common suffering all your life without success... Until you cross paths with Max Philips, forcing you to form an alliance with an enemy to destroy a common foe...

Little Comment : Hi everyone, it’s my first series, I hope you will like it (if you see any mistakes let me know and I will correct it) - 1 chapter will be published every week, every Saturday⚔️ Enjoy!

Series Masterlist

1440- Transylvania

You have been travelling on horseback for a little more than two days now, with a weather changing from very hot to very rainy, and usually it doesn't bother you, at least not really, because Pero has the decency to take breaks, it has always been like that. But for the first time in decades of travelling together, he has refused to take any breaks, because he says you are close to the goal.

You can understand it, and you feel it too, but you would still like to be able to rest, not feeling your legs or even feeling your buttocks... You don't even know if you don't feel them anymore because of the total absence of sensation from sitting on your horse for this long, or if the pain you felt yesterday has taken over and has become a friend, and the only company you feel at this moment.

Because despite his presence, Pero is far too absorbed in the mission. This is nothing new, in fact, he has always been like this, only usually he has the good sense to admit that sleep is important for a good fight, as well as a somewhat adequate physical form...

"If we are attacked by a vampire now Pero I won't be able to fight". You say as you catch up to him slightly at a gallop. "Stop complaining," he says, slightly grumpier than his natural temperament, which is bound to be an effect of lack of sleep. "I'm not complaining, I'm just right! You know very well that the lack of rest will eventually kill us, if it is not the horses that die long before us! You say, slightly annoyed by his behaviour.

He stopped short, and turned to face you, grimacing, probably aching and exhausted, unconsciously proving your point: "If he runs away, he'll kill more people! You seem to forget what this thing is capable of!" "Forget?!" you say, widening your eyes, increasingly annoyed.

Vampires: demonic beings that have occupied the lands of your country since your childhood. At first, in your youth, their presence was only a myth, which some people described as mad swore they had seen, but as time went on, the world realised that it was all real. These decaying beings, who have no chance of finding the light again, their gaze completely absorbed in the darkness, surrounded by veins resembling the shade of smoke enveloping the sky and covering all traces of the sun. They are the shadows that will hide the light of all normal life since your youth... Since that night sixteen years ago...

You know that Pero can be stubborn, but he is not so deeply stubborn that he tries to pretend to anyone who doesn't know him, although he hides it quite well, he is a gentle man and a good man... Except when he really decides otherwise, as he has done for the last forty-eight hours. So you don't try to argue or have a simple debate with him on the subject, because you know very well what he's talking about and you don't want to talk about it... You've already had enough nightmares since you were a child, so you don't need that.

You gallop alone towards the big city, from where you are not so far now, determined to make a big turn, to let your horse rest, and to rest at the same time in a real bed, and not stones under a sheet for a pillow or an old tavern of the village where you were hunting.

It doesn't matter if he follows you or not, you're far too tired and suffering to care at the moment, and being a very good tracker, you know you'll be able to find him if only a few hours separate you from each other, and at least you'll be able to fight effectively if something happens.

⊱•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ •⊰

The city is not as jovial as it usually is. You don't know why, of course, but there's a sort of silent restlessness that mingles with an almost empty square, leaving a black shadow over all those little houses, like a feeling deep inside you that you can see floating over the city.

"Anything interesting in the sky Paloma?"

You turn, coming out of the thoughts that had completely absorbed you, to find that Pero is at your side, handing you a piece of cheese, which he must have bought at the entrance of the city, and that you grab without hesitation the rumbling belly for any substitute of food... His way of apologizing and telling you that you are right, even if he will never admit it out loud...

Pero will never admit it, but he doesn't like to see you turning your back on him. He likes your presence, even if he doesn't express it, he likes to see you smiling, annoying him, lecturing him. He likes the way you've been waddling around on your horse for the last few days, and he knows it's only because of the pain he's putting you through, and that he shouldn't like to see that, he feels a little bad about it at times.... But you are so beautiful... And that ass, God only knows how many times he's dreamed of it bouncing off him...

"Nothing special, just a bad feeling" you say, taking a bite of the end of your feeble dish, "...I don't really believe in feelings you know, but for once I have to give it to you..." he says, kicking the sides of his horse to start galloping "No we should let the king know we're back, maybe he'll explain what's going on.

You nod and follow him, speeding up in your turn, not missing the crosses on the front of each house, as well as some silver objects in front of the windows, which normally would have been looted by the small thieves of the city, but even they don't seem to want to touch them... You start to understand what is going on but don't go forward, hoping that the bad luck hasn't come to your place of living once again, where you and Tovar have decided to stay for more than two years now.

⊱•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ •⊰

The throne room which is usually decorated with berries on every table, and bright silk draperies falling from the chandeliers to the ceiling, adorning the sides of the windows are not present, leaving the room in a dullness and sadness that the king and queen usually do not like. But they don't seem to mind, in fact in this room where all the lords are gorging themselves and filling up, they think it is much more agitated than the atmosphere outside. An almost incomprehensible hubbub envelops the room, leaving the king before you, not uttering a word, eyes fixed on you, nodding towards a guard at the back of the room, leading to the inner corridors of the castle, a neutral look on his face, leaving his wife and lords to shout complaints and fears into every ear.

He stands up curtly as the others in the room don't take the decency to stop talking as they usually would, leaving the king to walk out the back door, with you on his heels.

"Where were you?!" He says before you can even close the door to the large hallway, "On the trail of one of them my king" Pero says, bowing his head slightly. "And?" Said the king as he placed his index finger and thumb on his nose, as if trying to relieve a headache. "We had a trail... But we got away from it because of me" you say as you look the king in the eye, not flinching, assuming that a disaster may be looming over the city because of you.

The king doesn't answer and starts pacing in front of you before continuing silently, in a calm and gentle manner that must have always been endowed with "It's nothing... I think you might have guessed it when you returned to the city, but one of them is attacking an area near here..." "And no one was AVAILABLE to stop it?... Dios mío..." says pero a little annoyed that everyone is waiting on you two. "Oh, there were many volunteers... But none came back."

You turn your gaze to Tovar understanding without him actually saying it, what the king is asking you. He nods and you do the same before turning to the king, "Where? Where did you send them?" you say, already beginning to think you're going to regret it, "The Singing Mountain... There was... If you had seen what happened there...".

He couldn't finish his sentence and squinted hard, as if to chase away painful memories buried behind his eyelids. "We've seen it all our lives," Pero said before bowing and walking out to cross the throne room. You do the same, "It will be dark soon, we can't leave now, it would be too dangerous. But at dawn we'll get started. You don't share any contact with him, out of royal respect, and simply turn on your heels to join Pero, already far away, probably thinking of a plan for tomorrow.

⊱•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ •⊰

Your little house is on the outskirts of the village, a little out of the way, not that you don't like the presence of other people, but you are simply used to living like this: just the two of you.

You had already tried to live in separate houses in the village when you arrived two years ago, but every night was cut short by panicked screams and the search for comforting warmth next to you, visions and nightmares that you hadn't had in years, memories that were buried in the depths of your mind, every moment and every night that you spent in Pero's arms.

And you know that it was the same for him, even if he never mentioned it. He didn't have to. The simple fact that he would leave his house at one end of town in the middle of the night to join you under the sheets without saying anything and just let you snuggle up to him as you have done since you were children. So, you drifted away from the villagers, refusing to attach yourself to anyone else, only needing each other, sleeping together to hunt and seek comfort from the demons that plague you both when night falls. And sometimes even sharing each other's presence you feel that you are missing something... It's weird, and you don't know what it is. You don't talk about it... But you both feel it as well...

After setting up silver dust, under foliage all around your home and bringing back some stew that an old lady gave you in the village, thanking you for protecting them, and drinking a large pint of beer that Pero had left out in the house, you both finish your well-deserved meal in silence, savouring every mouthful of stew with a deliciousness like you've never tasted before... Or maybe you're just so hungry that everything would seem like a delicacy right now.

The same goes for the bed, having obviously finished before Pero who always takes a second bite and calls you "paloma", which according to what he told you simply means that you don't eat much for someone who is always crying out for food, like a little bird. You quickly head for your room so that you can have a nice bath without being disturbed by his lack of patience who you know would be there asking you every thirty seconds if you were almost finished, wanting to take a bath as well. So you were able to enjoy it fully until the water cooled, letting your muscles relax from the tumultuous journey and the stress dissolve for a short moment you cherished.

"I heard people talking about this mountain when we first arrived..." says Pero from the bathroom, waking you from your near sleep, now lying on the bed "Mmmh..." you reply far too tired to utter a word. Eyes still closed, you sit up slightly, knowing that he won't stop there. "The villagers always said that the devil lived in his heart... I didn't really pay attention to it, since there was never a murder... At least until now.”

You open your eyes hearing his voice much closer than it was a few seconds ago, and the reason being that he is standing by the bed, with only a sheet around his hips, placing his weapons beside him as he always does before going to bed. And for your part you try to look away as you always do before going to bed. At least when you sleep in a bed with him. At first it was quite simple and automatic not to look at him when you were younger and when he is only "dressed" like that... But lately it has become quite difficult... It has become quite difficult to avoid the vision of his broad shoulders and that torso getting thinner and thinner towards his waist, that aqualine nose that you imagine between your legs, before placing kisses on it as on his perfect lips and this goddamn perfect little line on it... And that scar on his beautiful obsidian black puppy-dog eyes, even if you're almost sure he doesn't like it, that scar on his face...That scar gives him a crazy charm... And everytime it become impossible to avoid to look at the droplets falling from his deep chocolate curls, sliding down that nape of his neck that you wish you could mark with your lips, to end up around his pure silver cross, shining on his golden and bronze skin...

It's become so hard to ignore this man who's practically become a god under your hungry eyes, as hard as it is to ignore the coming arousal that you feel between your legs as you watch him walk around in his armor or the mere sight of the veins and muscles in his neck give you unholy thoughts...

You turn around and help yourself to your sheets, crossing your legs to try and forget what you'd like him to do to you in that room and bed right now, thinking about how you probably wouldn't have the energy for it, and you fall asleep quicker than you thought you would, already with your mind bent on what you might find on that mountain tomorrow...

Pero watches your body rise and fall slightly with every breath you take and exhale, as he has been doing every night for the past few years... Since he was old enough to understand that you were no longer just a friend to him, that he was no longer indifferent to your curves, that he would watch you come out of the bathroom out of the corner of his eye and bend over the bed to admire your buttocks that he always imagined grabbing tightly in his hands... But he never did and was content to watch you fall asleep with your back to him, now that he can no longer see you come out with a simple sheet around you, your hair wet and your skin steaming from the good bath he would have liked to share with you... He is only content to fall asleep following your breaths, wanting deep down, much more of his Paloma...

⊱•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ •⊰

You have galloped and walked all day to get to this cursed place, making you arrive around mid-day, when the sun begins its descent towards the west.

The forest is not dancing as usual, and the birds, being the reason why this mountain is called the singing mountain by their chirping, have seemingly disappeared singing no more from this cursed place under a river now red with blood. A putrid, foul smell that you can't miss is present on the scene. No bodies. Lots of blood.

"I've never seen this..."

You don't respond to his remark, but you know exactly what he is talking about. A river turned red with blood, accompanied by the smell of death, yet showing no sign of a body near the water or even in the forest you've just passed through.

Vampires kill, and abandon the corpse, having no interest in keeping the body, or if they really want a use for it, they transform the person, but in this case if, the smell of decomposing corpse and the river of blood should not be present at the scene.

"I don't like this Pero...".

He doesn't answer and just grunts before pulling out his sword and pushing you back slightly. You do the same and pull out your sword, never having doubted his ability to sense the presence of another being, other than the two of you. "It's not dark enough for it to be one," you say, watching carefully around you. "The king would never send his men out in the middle of the night," he says, passing you some silver powder. "How..."

You don't finish your sentence and freeze. Your hands tighten on the hilt of your sword, and you look into the shadows of the forest at the glowing yellow eye sockets. A man you can't make out is watching you without moving. Pero notices this too and pushes you behind him, instinctively as he does every time, even though he knows you can defend yourself, he never misses an opportunity to throw himself between you and the danger... And you will do the same for him when the opportunity arises.

"Come here!" he shouted with a smile, taunting this bloodsucking bastard, who for his part did not move a muscle. He's watching both you, and you're getting more and more worried, not understanding why he's not attacking you, as they all do. This is not a usual behaviour from them... What is going on here...

Your question evaporates as he evaporates, not approaching you, or attacking you. You tug lightly on Pero's arm, asking him to return to the horse. He didn't insist and followed you, sword in hand, running and climbing on the horses as fast as he could.

"What was that?!" you shouted at him at a gallop not far from him, who stopped dead in his tracks a few paces away from you "Pero what..." "I don't know!" he says, a growing frustration in his eyes that you know only too well, a look he gets when he is about to do something impulsive. "Pero you're not going back!" "He didn't attack us..." "That doesn't mean he won't next time! What's wrong with you?!" You say completely dumbfounded by your best friend, willing to risk his life to prove a point.

FUCK PERO!

You follow him in spite of yourself, knowing that you couldn't forgive yourself for leaving him to die alone in those woods, whether it was his choice or not.

A million thoughts go through your head as Pero is hit by something. You jump off your horse and swing your sword at a man in your path, a man who did not flinch at the shock of a galloping horse. You throw a sword at him which he quickly avoids and disappears again, but you know this kind of technique well, you have fought them all your life. You grab a dagger in your other hand and stand back-to-back with pero who has just straightened up.

"I told you we should have left," you say, more than a little frustrated by events that could have been avoided. "This is not the time." He says as he begins to fight the creature in front of you, moving far too quickly for you to anticipate any movement.

He's faster. Smarter than anything you've encountered before, and despite Pero's ability to inflict some cuts with his pure silver sword, the vampire doesn't give in. But it doesn't kill us for all that... A sentence that goes through your head thinking that it could kill you both in a few seconds if it really wanted to... No, this thing is looking for something...

You don't take any more chances and grab your powder and throw it at the thing, which is screaming in pain, looking at you with reddened eyes, sharp fangs and black veins around its eyes like you've never seen before... "PERO THE HORSES!". He thinks for half a second about killing this thing here and now, but sees the powder starting to dissipate and prefers not to risk both of you getting killed here and now... Not to risk YOUR death here and now which would ultimately be his fault...

You gallop off without looking back, not understanding what you just saw.

⊱•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ •⊰

"PERO WHAT DID YOU DO THERE?!" you say as you slam the door of the house and drop your weapons on the floor "You could have gotten us both killed! You saw what that thing did!" "It didn't kill us... Why?" he says as he sits down on one of the chairs calmly, too calm for what just happened "Is that really the only thing that bothers you about what just happened Pero?!" you say as you bang on the table.

He straightens up curtly and approaches you with a dark look in his eyes, "Aren't you even asking yourself that question? Don't you want to know why he left us alive? Why didn't he kill us or just jump down our throats and kill us like they all do? ¡Miénteme! LIE TO ME?! TRY LYING TO ME!" He says, banging on the table in turn.

You don't respond, knowing he's right, but you can't help it, impulsive behaviour like that could have killed you both. "I shouldn't have gone back there I know that Paloma... But I don't understand..." he says more calmly trying to apologize in his own way. You take him in your arms, understanding that he acted in incomprehension and panic "I also wonder Pero but don't ever do that again... He was smarter... Faster... And seems to control himself in front of living people... We never had to deal with that" you say holding him tighter, also needing a little comfort, adrenaline gradually coming down.

"She's right!"

You flinch and Pero pulls his sword straight out pushing you behind him, hearing a voice coming from your kitchen. Your eyes widen as you realise that the vampire you fought a few hours ago is the man in the room...

"Your powder has no effect on me, cuties... Should you have tried the wooden stakes?" he says, leaning slowly against one of the walls in front of you. "The wooden stakes are too big, a risk. You have to get too close and we're not stupid enough for that," Pero says dryly.

Those features... A protruding jaw, puppy dog eyes that dominate a fierce rage and that aquiline nose... You turn to Pero and move from him to this man, noticing that your friend, has similar features with this creature in front of you even if his hair is longer than pero, but he doesn't seem to really care or even notice it, it's actually the least of his concerns "Why are we still alive? "He says, putting his weapon on the table behind him, understanding that this creature does not intend to kill you, that if it really wanted to, it would not have bothered to let you go and then follow you and interrupt you... Or would have simply killed you in this forest.

He took a step closer but changed his mind when he saw that Pero was keeping a hand on one of his weapons. "Because I'm not the one you're looking for" says the vampire. Pero looked at you wide-eyed and started to laugh, a dark laugh, far from being amused by the situation. "Do you hear that? Now they're coming to our house to haggle," he said, jostling you slightly, still not making you smile.

You know that side of Pero. That unstable side that loses control of itself and doesn't know how to deal with the information and emotions it receives, which are far too numerous to process quickly enough for events that are far too unfamiliar to its eyes. And you don't blame him because you yourself don't know how to deal with it all. "I'm not happy about talking to you..." you say, trying not to play on each other's nerves. "...But you haven't killed us yet, so I'll give you a minute to explain what you want from us."

He stares at you for a few seconds, examining you from head to toe, not missing the look of disgust and hatred on your face. "You're looking for my creator... And I need you to kill him" he said, staring into your eyes, a teasing smile on his face, very sure of himself, yet very serious about the words he just said "Vampires are normally very attached to their creator, I think you're setting us up" you said, crossing your arms "She can't understand that if I wanted you dead you'd have been dead long ago!

He disappeared for a few seconds and found himself next to you, making you jump up and grab tovar's sword behind you to point it at him. He stared at the blade and ran his finger over it, causing smoke to billow from his skin, like at the end of a fire. "I'm not one of the little vampires you usually fight, which makes me... superior to what you're used to..." Tovar rolled his eyes and stepped in front of you, again, instinctively offering his body as a barrier to protect you, letting the man finish, always having a thought of skewering him at any moment "... I'm not dependent on him... At least not completely. But I don't serve him like all those vermin you hunt every day, who don't know how to control themselves or even think for themselves."

He loosens his last words with a more than visible disgust, arranging his clothes and slowly walking around the table without taking his eyes off you. "I don't depend on him. I'm not attached to him in any way... At least not emotionally... Physically it's something else: I can't kill him, not with my own hands." he says, staring deeply into the wood of the table, as if he could see his own reflection there.

"And you need us for that?!" Pero laughed a dark laugh like you've never heard, now less and less amused by the situation, knowing that he could launch himself at the thing in front of you at any moment. You grab him by the arm before he does something stupid and pull him away from the vampire "We should do it Pero." He widened his eyes and reached up to your face, grabbing your cheeks, as if to check that you hadn't been bewitched. You clapped his hands and told him you were fine before continuing, "If he leads us to his master..." "HE'S NOT MY MASTER!" he shouts from across the room letting you know that he can hear anything you say.

You look at Pero and let him know you'll explain the rest later by miming dust between your fingers, as you've done since you were little, before continuing "When he leads us to his MASTER, we can at least find out where he is and kill him! That's what we've wanted for weeks, Pero."

He's not thrilled. He realizes the danger you're going to face and knows that you've already faced a lot of such danger in your life... But he's not excited. He doesn't know if he can trust the information this thing has just given him, and if he should trust it at all. He doesn't want to have to trust it, and he can see in your eyes that you don't want to either... But he also understands that you have no choice after the king's request. So he lets his gaze shift from yours to the vampire's. "Okay. We leave tomorrow morning," he says, stepping around you and approaching the vampire, a more stern look on his face than he usually wears "... But if you were foolish enough to betray us, know this..." "... That you'll kill me?" he cuts Tovar off with a laugh and moves closer to him "And I'll let you do beautiful."

You chuckle and cross your arms and squint your eyes, amused "We already don't trust you..." "I know that sweetheart" "...BUT that's no reason to lie to us" you say, raising your voice, slightly annoyed by his condescending air.

He tries to get around Tovar, who won't let him pass, and shakes his head to let him know he's definitely not going to approach you. "Believe me..." he said as he put his gaze into yours, a serious, not amused gaze "... If I tell you I'd let you do it it's simply that I'd rather it be you than him."

He nodded to you, then to Tovar, and walked towards the front door.

"Oh, and I'd rather be Max Phillips than 'that thing'," he said as he closed the door behind him, leaving you and Tovar in a state of anxiety and nervousness the likes of which you hadn't had in a long time, leaving you both that night alive to the slightest background noise, the slightest shadow passing through the thin draperies of your windows...

•

Chapter 2

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[killyourpoet]

What to expect on 12th September? (NEET 2021)

Hey everybody, if you're appearing for the NEET 2021 exam this Sunday (12th September 2021), I've compiled a list of some important things you might want to keep in mind.

The National Entrance-cum-Eligibility Test (NEET) is the national medical entrance exam in India. It is the only gateway into all medical schools in the country. It is conducted annually around May, but due to the COVID-19 pandemic, it has been postponed to September in 2020 and 2021. This year, 1.6 million students will be appearing for the exam.

[This list is by no means exhaustive, I only speak from my experience and the advice of friends and teachers. Feel free to add anything I might have missed out!]

How to make the most of this last week before the exam?

Do not experiment with anything new. Doing so might disturb the delicate subconscious programming that your brain has undergone through all these months of studying and practicing. By experimentation, I mean anything other than the routine that you've built while solving question papers. If you're used to starting with Biology, then moving on to Chemistry and ending with Physics, do not attempt to spice up your 3 hours by indulging in adventure sports like staring with Physics first. This will end in disaster.

Look through all the important things at least once. I know, I know. That's 10 fat books in one week. But remember that this is not the first time you're reading it. Skim. When you catch on something you're not too familiar with, only then should you actually read.

NCERT = holy book. Idk if you've heard but actually reading the books prescribed by the examining body will most definitely give you an edge over someone who hasn't. I cannot stress this enough. They will LITERALLY take out things from the NCERT and slap that onto the paper and call it a day. Remember that the examiners have to cater to those who do not have access to / cannot afford any sort of study material other than the NCERT. While study guides can help you interpret the NCERT, they cannot substitute it.

Have a plan. It doesn't have to be grand or very detailed. Just clearly defining what you intend to do with your time will suffice.

Set your internal clock. Practice at least one exam a day from 2:00 pm to 5:00 pm IST because that's when the actual exam is held. You want to maximize concentration and attention at that time of the day.

Practice answering on OMR sheets. This year, because of COVID, all your mock tests were probably online. In that case, take a few hours to practice exams on the OMR. The time management on that is very different from online exams.

Eat well. Remember to drink plenty of water. Try to eat things that have come directly from the earth and onto your plate. I know it's hard and the anxiety is enough to make you under eat / overeat but messing up because of something as trivial as meal choices would kinda suck tbh. Please do not eat an entire large pizza all by yourself the day before the exam. Stay the hell away from carbonated drinks for at least this one week. I am begging you. You might not notice but they seriously mess with your head. Whole foods are the way 2 go babes

What to expect on the day of the examination?

The NTA will be releasing the admit cards 3 days before the exam. Your exam centre and time slot to show up will be mentioned on it. This is most probably done to (a) prevent unfair practices and (b) give students enough time to visit the centre.

Know your exam centre beforehand. If you're living with your parents who will be driving you to the centre, you could even ask them to visit the centre the day before just so you don't waste time searching for the centre on the day of the exam. Believe me, a lot of people have lost an entire year because of this.

The peeing. Listen. They'll allow you to go to the washroom in the middle of the exam, of course. But if you ask me, try to avoid getting up to pee. Try to time your water such that you wouldn't have to pee during the exam. Please make sure you pee right before the exam. Idk about you but the exam pee has always been a real problem for me and together with my anxiety, it has ruined a lot of exams. It also breaks your momentum and you'll have to re-orient yourself when you get back. NEET isn't like JEE - it's not about how smart you are, it's about how efficient and accurate you are, because that's what a doctor needs to be.

Eat a light, nutritious meal. Something that'll give you energy but isn't too hard to digest. You don't want to nod off during the exam. That would be highly inconvenient.

Be on time. If you don't turn up on time, no matter what, you will not be allowed inside. Again, a lot of people I know have messed up here.

Security check. You will be checked before entering the centre. Do not wear anything dark (black, dark blue, dark brown etc). Do not wear jeans or any tight clothes. All your clothes must fit loosely and they must be light. This is done to prevent people from sneaking in transmission devices. If you wear long sleeves, you will be asked to cut them then and there. Do not wear heavily embroidered clothes. Do not have any metal on you. Take off all jewelry at home. If you wear a bra, remember to wear a sports bra or one that doesn't have any metal hooks. You can't wear shoes - your feet must be visible. Wear flip-flops or thin sandals. People have been made to take off their shoes before and write the exam barefoot. They will provide a fresh mask at the centre and gloves. This time, due to COVID-19 restrictions, they will not be doing body pat frisking, they will not be checking your ears and mouth. There will be bluetooth jammers in the exam hall to prevent any transmissions and the entire exam will be videographed.

Stay calm. I know it looks like a high security airport check and you'll probably be scanned several times and subjected to several layers of screening but remember - this is done so that nobody has an unfair advantage over you. India has incredibly clever people, but sometimes for the wrong reasons.

While writing the exam:

Don't panic. If you see a question that looks hard do! not! panic! because we always know more than we think we do!! Wait a second, linger for a moment and the answer should come to you.

Know what to leave. If you aren't aiming to get a perfect 720/720 then you should leave time consuming questions and try to do as many questions you know as possible. If you are aiming for a perfect score, do the same but remember that you need to leave sufficient time at the end to come back to them.

Repeat. Remember - this is just another one of the hundreds of exams you've done. Follow the same strategy you're used to. Most definitely DO NOT experiment in the final exam.

Lastly, always remember that ur super cool and smart and amazing and one mistake won't define you. Your worth is inherent and not determined by an exam. Your timeline is very different from someone else's. This is not a race, it's about doing things right. Your physical and mental health are more important than anything else in life. Do your best today and try again tomorrow. And then the day after that.

If you have any questions, feel free to message me :))

Best of luck!!

— Svante

[tokyoghoose]

something that never was

pairing: daisuke kambe x reader

playlist: even if it's a lie - matt maltese*, a soulmate who wasn't meant to be - jessica benko, the less i know the better - tame impala, id rather go blind - beyonce ( cadillac records ), the house we never built - gabrielle aplin*, i cant make you love me - dave thomas junior, i go crazy - orla gartland, blow my brains out - tikkle me, hidden in the sand - tally hall

warnings: angst, mentions of cheating,

summary: the coldness he radiates gets the best of you, ultimately leading to the end.

announcements!

i dont really see daisuke cheating unless it was a misunderstanding or smth, but i liked the idea of this fic. Let me know what you think!

you can tell i didnt write this in a sitting lol. Im vv sorry if it's hard to follow!

feedback is welcome and appreciated! requests are open!

There's a warm body beside you, yet the bed feels cold. The arm around your waist feels almost as foreign as the face in front of you. It hurts to look at him, to feel him. It hurts to even be around him. He's so beautiful but he feels like half the man he once was. It's disheartening.

Maybe the saying, what you don't know can't hurt you is correct because you were feeling the repercussions right about now. Curiosity really did kill the cat, and at this point, you don't even know how to get satisfaction from it. How does one bring up cheating to their partner? Especially when the partner is like Daisuke.

He likes to brush things off without paying a price except for whatever was in his bank account, the type to hand you a card and say 'go get yourself something pretty.' And it wasn't like he was a bad lover, in fact, it was very easy to fall in love with him. He has a charm about him that's magnetic, one glance and suddenly it's impossible to look away. Or at least that was your experience.

With the final confirmation that closing your eyes will do nothing other than bringing pictures into your head, you turn your back to him and try and distance your body from his. It doesn't do anything to help when he pulls you closer subconsciously, except for maybe it makes you want to cry.

You'd confront him tomorrow, you decided.

If you need to.

———

The pace you set is leisure and if kt wasn't for the poor nail bed quickly coming to nothing, it'd seem like you weren't completely losing your head. It's all you can think about. Daisuke out with some girl—who you know for a fact isn't his sister, and who is all over him. He didn't even make a move to push her off! He hates that kind of attention so if he didn't object it, then he was asking for it. He wanted the girl on his side. In fact, for someone who insists the other person sits across from him at a restaurant- he looked quite comfortable with her nearly in his lap.

Maybe you're overthinking this, y/n.

The door clicks open and your ears strain to hear the sound of Daisuke's dress shoes. He's rather indulgent when it comes to dressing wear and the shoes were practically silent, even with the short heel on the back.

"I'm home." He says to no one particular, taking off his trenchcoat and hanging it on the rack beside the door. He stops his path to the bedroom when he sees you frozen in place and staring in the living room. He merely quirks a brow, going to take off his suit and tie.

Suddenly you can't speak and you have tunnel vision. It's unfair how calm he always looks—it's almost smug like he knows everything about you and more. Like he can read your mind and tell you your darkest thoughts and when you'll die because let's be honest, it'll probably be by his hand. Maybe you should back out now before you can say anything. Forget it all because what if you're mistaken? The more you think, the more weight is added onto your shoulders and the more it pushes you down, down further into the hole you want to crawl into. Maybe you should let it because all you want to do now is escape his piercing gaze. His eyes are studying you, taking in your form and the cogs in his brain are turning to find an explanation as to why you are standing there like a psychopath and not welcoming him home like you usually do.

You feel like you're drowning. Is the light getting dimmer? The black around your vision only seems to close in around Daisuke and you try to look anywhere else but his face. There's water in your ears, the popping of them only intensifies until you can feel it pounding into your head with faint static.

Am I going to pass out?

It's not until his hand comes down gently on your shoulder that the closing circle of vision widens out and suddenly all the imaginary water rushes from your ears. You glance down at his rings before back up him, barely catching the end of his words.

"Are you alright?"

He's never been one to beg, so you would have to answer now or he'll leave it be for the rest of the night and probably months after until you're like this again.

"I-can we talk?"

He eyes you suspiciously, narrowing his eyes and keeping his brow raised before nodding, slipping his tie off around his neck, folding it neatly into the palm of his hand. He gestures for you to start the conversation, going to the minibar curving around the kitchen and living area.

When you don't reply he urges you on, "Why so tense? Did something happen, darling?"

It'd seem like he didn't really care from how cold his voice was, but you've grown accustomed to the monotone to know that he truly is concerned for your health. He genuinely wants to know why you're acting so odd. It only makes this so much harder? You're wrong- you have to be. This must be a sick trick your brain has played on you. Or he must be playing some sick trick.

Anxiety settles itself into your gut and it seems like it won't leave anytime soon.

"Daisuke, are...- are you cheating on me?"

His eyebrows finally go lax but he doesn't look up from unbuttoning the cuffs of his white button-down. His fingers fidget at the buttons and instead of the previous loose form, his hand forms a fist.

"I- "

"Why—exactly, are you accusing me of this?"

His gaze sends chills down your spine. He's offended but he doesn't offer a defense. Suddenly your mouth is dry and you lose all your words? How exactly were you going to tell him you stumbled across him and some woman in a restaurant and practically stared them down for fifteen minutes.

You decide the bear it and swallow a lump that has formed in your throat.

"You were with a woman earlier this week snd well, the displays of affection that I saw were not very like you. You've been gone for long hours and even if you blamed it on the new job, Daisuke—you never tell me anything. Is she for a case? Are you using her for information? Go on, tell me about it. Give me a reason not to accuse you."

You regain your confidence but it falters when you meet his indifferent expression. You'd prefer it if he looked angry and the silence that fills the room is deafening and the tension suffocating.

"I can't tell you anything about our cases-"

"I'm your partner! What am I going to do? Rat you out to whoever is breaking the law? Why would I even how those connections, Daisuke?"

Daisuke inhales deeply through his nose like this whole conversation is a burden on him and you can't help but feel like a burden too. Was this relationship not worth the time to talk this out? One hand grips the bar and the other pinches the bridge of his nose.

"You aren't my partner, you're my fiance. My partner and I work together. So, no. I can't tell you about the cases."

You want to rip out your hair. This isn't about his stupid job or his stupid partner. This is about the dumb fucking restaurant and the dumb fucking woman who was hanging off him.

He can't actually be this dense!

"It's not about that! Either you aren't getting the point or you keep changing the subject because it's true!" Your voice rises in pitch, your confidence failing and turning more so into desperation. But you aren't crying yet. There are no tears and your eyes are dry and you absolutely refuse to cry in front of a Kambe.

It's like the beginning of your relationship all over again. A protective barrier around yourself so you don't get hurt and offended by his cold shoulder. Was it so bad to think you've moved on from that feeling? Why is it so difficult for him to just comfort you and push back those fears? Is he that emotionally stunted? You may not know much about his past and his family, but damn— at least you're trying to work through it with him. Can he put out a little more effort?

All he does is pour himself a glass. All he does... is pour himself a glass.

"You know what- forget it. If you're so entitled and so emotionally reserved that you can't even talk to me without a drink first, then I guess we'll talk about it another time—when you don't look like my voice gives you a headache."

Daisuke actually looks taken back by your words and you suddenly feel bad for hitting a sore spot. He may not have shown it often, but he doesn't particularly like not being able to show his true emotions; no matter the reason being.

"Y/N, wait.."

But you're back on adrenaline just as soon as he felt a drop, pushing past him to get to your coat. You just needed to calm down before you said something you'd truly regret. Words tended to stay in his mind much longer than they were intended to.

"I'm staying at my mother's. Don't call me, don't text me, don't come near me until you're ready to tell me what the hell you were doing with her. "

When he doesn't say anything more and you can practically hear the cogs in his head turn, you make your way out there door, making sure to slam it shut.

You slip on the coat angrily, slamming open the door without sparing him a glance but waiting for him to say something. Anything. Were you being too rash? You shake your head and scold yourself, mentally. You can't just turn around now, not after an outburst like that. He has to learn something from this.

Irrational or not, hopefully, his true colors would show.

[boomkloppthesoundofmyheart]

Carraville Fic AU

Title:  the heart and mind are the true lens of the camera

Summary: On the eve of his departure, Gary thinks about the people he will be leaving behind.

“Look and think before opening the shutter. The heart and mind are the true lens of the camera.”— Yousuf Karsh

Gary scanned his London bedroom. The room looked bare, all his belongings stowed away in boxes and suitcases. The only evidence left that he once lived there was his still neatly made bed, waiting to be slept on for one last night.

It was his last day in London, for God knows how long. Tomorrow he leaves for New York to start a new chapter in his life. Phil had moved there years ago and has been living a good life for himself as a lawyer.

Gary craved a new challenge, so he hit his brother up one day and asked if there was room for one more Neville in New York City. With help from his younger brother, he spent the last several months getting his Visa and law license set up in America. Now, everything is finalized and he is eager to leave.

Not to say that he wasn’t going to miss anything here. He'll miss the rest of his family. They were devastated when they found out he's leaving the country as well. But they came around to the idea when they reasoned at least Phil won't be alone anymore. He'll have his big brother with him again.

Then, there's his friends. He'll miss them terribly, too. He'll miss Scholesy throwing him one of his famous glares as he leaves crumbs all over their notes. He'll miss listening to Giggsy and Butty arguing over which evidence to present first.

And he'll miss Becks mothering him when he's worked too hard, making sure he takes a break because "you getting sick won't help our client, Gaz."

He'll miss all his friends.

A crash of pots and pans followed by a curse brings Gary out of his thoughts.

Except one probably.

He's kidding, of course. Gary will probably miss Jamie the most. He had been friends with him before he even met the rest of his friends at law school.

They had become an unlikely pair when Gary's family moved to Liverpool for his father's work when he was 15 years old. Being a Manc in Liverpool made it difficult to find friends. But one Scouser seemed up for the challenge. Ever since then, they had been inseparable.

When Gary moved down to London for law school, Jamie followed and established his photography business there.

Gary walks downstairs to the kitchen. "Everything alright here?"

"All good. Go relax or summat. I'll get dinner ready soon," Jamie waves him off.

"When will that be? I may be on my flight already and you'll still be here cooking."

"Fuck off." A middle finger was thrown at his direction before Jamie continues bustling around the kitchen.

Gary laughs as he makes himself scarce. He walks around their shared home, breathing in their small piece of London one last time.

He ended up in Jamie's home studio. The room was covered by Jamie's most prized photographs, images of both their families. It was Gary's favorite room in the whole house. Gary will never let Jamie know that. That will only stroke his ego more and he already gets that a lot from his clients.

He loves to work in the same room as Jamie. They don't need to speak to each other. They embrace the comfortable silence between them. Him and his paperwork on the couch. Jamie at his desk, eyes glued on the computer, jaw set. Moments surrounded by those photos and Jamie made Gary feel like they were teenagers again, just doing their homework at his place, their futures still ahead of them.

Now, he's about to leave his home away from home.

Gary is about to leave his friend that made leaving home easier in the first place.

The friend who didn't give it a second thought when Gary said, "Come with me."

He just told Gary, "I thought you'd never ask." His camera and clothes were packed soon after that and he was ready to follow Gary anywhere without any solid plans for his own future.

Gary walked over to Jamie's desk and sat in his chair. He rarely gets to see Jamie's portraits until it was done. He always makes sure that his computer was off. Today though, Jamie has left his screen unlocked, giving Gary free rein to go through his photographs.

He scrolls through different folders, each titled with his famous celebrity clients' names. He's seen most of them. What catches his eye was a folder that was just titled, "him."

Gary doubles click on the folder and was surprised to see tons of photos of him. Some of the pictures of him he was aware of. Sometimes he'd help Jamie test out the lighting in his studio before his clients come. 

There were photos of him taken as far back as to when they were teenagers.

The oldest photo in the file was of him, Phil, and Tracey. Jamie had just been gifted his first camera and given them the honor of being the first ones he took a picture of. He doesn't really know if he should believe Jamie. The Scouser was notorious for being the flatterer.

Others were candid photos of him.

There was a photo of him and Phil, watching a university football match. He remembers that night. Gary had invited him to come, but Jamie was late. Punctuality was not his strongest suit when they were younger; Gary pinned his tardiness to that. Now, he's seeing the real reason. Jamie had been busy taking pictures of him and Phil, enjoying the match.

He scrolls further down the folder. There's another photo of him with Phil. This time it was when they were interns in the same case. They were walking out the courthouse, looking defeated, well because they did lose their case. He had confided to Jamie the night before the verdict that he didn't think they were going to get their client acquitted. It was no surprise to see his friend waiting there, ready to take his mind off the case.

That's just how Jamie was. He knows when Gary needed him.

I wonder what it'll be like in New York without him. He shakes his head. I have Phil. I won't be alone.

Gary clicks on another photo. This one was more recent. It looked like it was taken from their backyard when they had his farewell party. He was clearly talking to someone, with who, he doesn't recall nor could he tell because he was the focus of the photographs.

He was so engrossed with the photos that he does not hear Jamie come into the room. Gary was only made aware of his presence when Jamie spoke.

"Me dad always said, 'If you want to learn what someone fears losing, watch what they photograph.'"

Gary spins in the chair around and finds Jamie standing a few steps behind him.

"I thought it was just some pretentious artist bullshit, but I always found meself taking pictures of you. I guess there's some truth to it," Jamie shrugs. "I guess I had been always afraid of losing you."

Gary blinked. For once in his life, he could not find his voice. Like he said, Jamie had always been a charmer, but he knows this time he is being sincere. Words were never Jamie's medium of art; he likes his photos to do the talking for him.

He gets up from the chair and stands just in front of Jamie. Gary places a hand on Jamie's cheek, which he immediately leans into. "You don't have to lose me, J."

"I don't know about that. We lost Phil to America. The lad loves it there," Jamie chuckles tearfully. "Always busy, too. We never see him on this side of the pond...I'm just scared you won't come back to us either."

Gary was never one for making promises he can't keep.

Jamie was right. Phil was always busy and rarely had the time to fly back home. He doesn't want to break any promises especially if it's ones with Jamie.

"I wish you would have stopped me or let me know how you felt. I would have stayed here for you; I wouldn't have even given America a single thought."

"That'd be selfish of me if I had stopped you. I would never hold you back from your dreams." Jamie takes Gary's hand between both his own and kissed it.

Gary steps closer to Jamie. "You're part of my dreams, too."

"Ask me then." Jamie presses his forehead against Gary's.

Gary didn't need to ask for clarifications. So he asks, or rather, demands like he did those years ago. "Come with me."

Jamie smirks. "I thought you'd never ask." Unlike last time, Jamie closes the gap between them and kisses Gary.

Gary smiles against Jamie's lips. Now, he won't have to wonder how New York will be without Jamie by his side.

[undercoverclover]

Land Or Sea

Part 2

Genre: Angst, Spice, Fluff...

Pairing: Lee x Ari

Word Count ≈ 6k total

Warnings: Mentions of Death

- My twist on The Little Mermaid for the Tell A Fairytale event hosted by @acewriters.

“Excuse me, miss?” I hear behind me. I scramble up, noticing a man standing on the beach.

“Yes?” I ask, fixing my dress so it lays properly at my knees.

“Who are you and how did you get here?” He asks, confused.

“I’m Ariel. I need to see Prince Lee at once!” I demand.

“I’m sorry ma’am but the Prince is deathly sick and unable to see anyone at this time.”

“I know he’s sick, that’s why I’ve come.”

“Oh. Right this way then.” He stutters, trying to make sure he’s doing the right thing.

I walk with him, stumbling over sand as I learn to navigate how legs are supposed to work.

“Are you okay?” He questions.

“Yes, it’s just a different feeling being on land than on the sea.”

“It is, and if you’ve not done it enough, it is difficult at first.” He smiles and I smile back.

We make it to the castle and I get an escort to the prince’s chambers. The butler, who was no older than Lee and almost as handsome with black hair and brown eyes but seemingly shy, opens the door. I see Lee laying in bed and he looks pale and very very sick. He manages to look at me and his eyes widen in surprise.

“Ari?” He gasps.

“You know her, sir?” He asks.

“Yes, yes of course. You may leave, Yoon.” He smiles and nods, lets me enter the room and closes the door.

I hurry to his side and sit on the bed, “Why didn’t you tell me you were sick the other night?” I say, sadly.

“I only felt a little bad. I’ve been sick for a while, Ari. It’s just gotten worse. Never mind about me, how are you here!?” He exclaims, looking down at my legs.

“Your fins are gone.” He says, touching my knee, before he realizes what he’s doing.

“You’re okay. I was shocked, too. My father helped me. I have two days to hopefully help you.” I smile, pushing some brown hair away from his eyes. I notice the stubble on his face and remember he’s always so clean shaven when I see him.

“This looks nice on you,” I smile, laying my hand on his cheek.

“Thank you, I’d have tried to shave if I’d have known you could get on land.” He chuckles, then coughs and coughs and coughs.

I start to feel worried and see a glass of water on his bedside table that I hand to him.

He takes a drink, “Thank you again. You know 2 days isn’t a very long time and I doubt there’s anything you could do to make me better. Though, I appreciate the thought.”

“Why do you think I can’t help you?”

“What’s wrong with me, it’s hard to fix and I’m okay, I’ve accepted what awaits me. I’d rather spend these 2 days talking to you.”

“Well, at least try something for me?” I ask, grabbing the bottle and handing it to him.

“Drink this, please?”

“What is it?” He asks.

“It’s a special medicine, even if it doesn’t cure you, it should make you feel better somewhat.” I smile. He takes it and drinks it all at once. The look on his face causes me to laugh.

“I never said it would taste good.”

“No, you did not and it tasted awful.” He grumbles.

I try to change topics, to allow the medicine time to take effect, “Mal has been a big help.”

“She has? I’m glad. Is she feeling better?” I know she’s been sick off and on as well.”

“She has. She found out the other day, they’re expecting a little one.” I smile, happily.

“No way! That’s awesome. I’m really happy for her.”

“I am too. River doesn’t know yet.” I chuckle and he smiles.

“That’s cute. I’d love to have kids one day. I fear that I won’t ever get to.” He says, frowning.

“You will. I know it.” I smile.

He chuckles, “Okay, I believe you.”

“Their love was forbidden at one time, you know?” I say.

“Who’s? River and Mal’s?” He asks and I nod.

“For one, the fact that Mal is older than River by a few years, they get looked down upon. Even though they pay their way on their own. But, River used to be a scientist at my father’s castle, he took an oath to serve him until he died. That meant no distractions. Once Mal had started and met him, he changed his mind. My father loves Mal, like a daughter, he always has. Even when we met, he took to her immediately. So when he found out that River had broken his oath and began to date Mal, he was furious. It was scary, to tell you the truth. I’d only seen him that mad a few times before.”

“So, what happened? I mean ultimately I know what happens...” He asks, looking slightly better from the medicine already.

“They kept seeing each other. My father saw how happy they were and eventually let River work for him but be with Mal as well. Then he got hurt and had to take time off, started to explore with me and here we are today. He’ll be able to start working again soon. My father won't allow him to do outside research until the doctor clears him” I smile.

“That’s great. I am so happy for them.” He smiles. I nod.

“What about you?” I ask, “Do you have anyone?”

“I only have the people here. I couldn’t ask for a better family, though it does get lonely.”

“I couldn’t imagine, I’m sorry.” I say, hugging him. He’s a little taken aback, but hugs me back.

There’s a knock at the door, “Sir, dinner is ready. Would you like me to bring it in here for you?” Yoon asks.

“No, I’ll come to the dining room. Come on, Ari.” He smiles, getting out of bed. Slowly standing, he grins and walks towards his friend and butler.

I follow behind him and make sure he’s not going to fall, though I probably couldn’t catch him.

We eat and continue talking like we had so many nights before. I start yawning and Lee realizes what time it is.

“It’s gotten late. We should head to bed.” He says, “I’ll show you to your room.”

He leads me to the other side of the castle and opens a door to a giant room that was full of fluffy pillows, white furniture and curtains and a giant king sized bed with blue satin sheets.

“You won’t be disturbed over here. All of the staff are on the other side of the house.” He states. It was beautiful, but my anxiety grew.

“This is great and absolutely stunning, but I don’t think I can sleep in here or at least by myself. This is my first time on land and at night. I’d be scared and nervous.”

“Okay,” he clears his throat, “Well- I mean- I could stay with you.”

“You would do that? I mean I know it would be odd, but I’ve never been on land before. I’m not used to it.”

“I would. It’s not like I don’t trust you. I do, you came here to help me.”

I smile and hug him, “Thank you.”

I was given some pajamas from one of the smaller staff and changed, happily. I wait for Lee to shower to freshen up and then he comes and lays next to me on the bed.

“Feel better?” I ask as he lays down.

“I do, thank you.” He smiles.

I place my hand on his cheek and smile at him.

He kisses my hand and I blush.

“Sorry.” He smiles, slightly embarrassed.

“No. It’s alright. I promise. It was nice.”

He smiles at me and I feel brave. I know I love him and I hope he feels the same.

I lean in and kiss his lips lightly. He freezes and I pull back.

“Sorry, I-” I begin, only to be met with his lips again. He pulls away only to bring them back almost immediately and smiling from ear to ear.

Everything happens fast and one thing leads to another. That’s not how I pictured my first time, but it will change my life forever.

I wake up early the next morning, light shining in from the window and my leg is draped over him. I cover up his body more than what it was and looking at his face, he looks pale again.

“Oh no.” I whisper.

“Oh no what?” he replies… I had no idea he could hear me.

“Nothing. Do you feel okay?” I ask, trying to hide the sadness.

“I feel about the same as before the medicine.”

“No, no, no. I have to go see my father.” I say getting up to find the right pajamas in the pile on the floor. I opt for my dress that had been washed last night.

“Ari, no. Come here.” He sighs.

“No, I can’t let you get sick.” I say, tears starting to form.

“Ariel.” He says my full name, grabbing my attention even more, “Come here, please.”

I slip the dress on and lay next to him again, curling into him.

“I will be okay. I’ve had this for years.”

“You promise?”

“I will try my best to get healthier.”

“Okay.” I pout, trying not to cry.

“Hey, hey don’t cry.”

I could only nod, but tears fell anyway.

“Hey, come on now. We only have until tomorrow night.” He smiles, sadness in his eyes, but brings his lips to mine once more. And once more it ends with him making love to me, which I never dreamed would happen once, let alone twice.

Spending the day between walking along the beach and in my bedroom talking about how things could be if I didn’t have to go home, we fall asleep before dinner.

I wake up in the middle of the night and walk down to the beach. To my surprise, Mal is there.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, surprised.

“Checking on you. I’ve been out here like an hour.”

“I’m fine. I promise. Kind of upset I have to go home today.” I complain.

“Really? Is he doing better?”

“He was… He woke up yesterday and looked really pale again.”

“Oh no.” She says, covering her mouth, “I’m so sorry, Ari. I hope it passes.”

“I hope so too. Now, you need to get home. River should be out here with you, it’s dark. Wait, did you tell him yet?”

“I did and he is. He’s scoping the area out, like a protective father to be.” She says sarcastically, I laugh.

“Okay, well get home. Tell dad I will see him soon.”

We wave goodbye and I wave to River as he pops his head up and we part ways.

I go back to the room and crawl up next to Lee.

When I wake up, I can tell he’s gotten worse again. He looks so much worse than yesterday or even when I got here. I don’t think he’s going to keep his promise, unless I go to the sea witch.

He wakes up and smiles at me, I kiss his lips and rest my forehead on his.

“I don’t want to leave.” I say.

“I know, but your family needs you.”

“But I need you.” I say, almost breaking.

“Don’t say that. You’re going to be just fine. I promise.”

“Can we stay here all day? Until it’s time for me to leave?” I ask.

“I couldn’t imagine a better day.”

I hug him tight and we spend the day being lazy until it was time for me to go.

Lee would not take no for an answer when it was time for me to meet my father, he walks down to the beach with me even though he is past the point of being weak.

“Ariel.” I hear from the water.

“Father!” I say, happy to see him.

“Hello my darling. And who is this?” He asks.

“I am Lee, sir.”

“Ah, you are the one who stole my daughters heart.” He says, smiling.

“I wish I could say that’s true, but I think she stole mine first.”

I blush and want to cry at the same time, “Sit down, Lee. You’re too weak to be out here.”

“I will go back in as soon as I know you’ve left safely.”

I begin to argue with him that he's still sick and won't get any healthier by thinking of me but I don't get very far. My father waits patiently until I give in and stop talking.

“Ariel, you may stay.” I whip my head around so fast.

“Wait, what?” I ask.

“I must tell you. He doesn’t have much time left. Maybe a year? But, his illness will take him sooner rather than later. I will come and get you both then.”

“Thank you father.” I say, going into the water, crying fountains but hugging him happily.

“My child, like I said before… You are very much like your mother. You’re strong and braver than even I. You risked it all for love and I cannot stand in the way of that. I will be back when you’re ready.”

“Sir?” I hear behind me. My father lifts his head to look at Lee.

“Yes, Lee?”

“Thank you for allowing this. I will forever be in your debt.”

“You take care of her and the rest of your family and we will call it even.” My father lifts his trident and swirls it, aiming it towards Lee.

After a moment, a light leaves the trident and makes its way towards Lee, “That gives you enough time.”

The change in Lee’s appearance was astounding. He stood up straighter and the paleness was gone. He smiles at me and nods at my father.

“Enough time for what?” I ask.

“You’ll know soon enough, my daughter. Be happy and I’ll see you soon. Mal and River can visit and change if they want to for 2 days at a time twice a month. At least up until she has the baby. So you may see them too.”

I smile, crying and hugging my father so tight, “You know about the baby?” I ask, realizing what he said.

“Dear, I’ve known from the very first week. That’s why she asked for days off lately. She’s a daughter to me, just as much as you are. I’d do anything for you 6.”

My father says goodbye and I watch him disappear under the water.

I turn and run to Lee, jumping into his arms, “Are you ready to go home?” He asks.

“Yes! A thousand times yes.” I smile.

---------------------------------

5 years later

“LeeHun! Come on! Your grandpa is waiting.” I yell up the stairs. Swimming into the kitchen, I place my 4 year old’s dinner on the table. Hearing tiny laughter coming from the stairs, the little brown haired, brown eyed boy appears in the kitchen a split second later.

“Mom! You fibbed! Grandpa isn’t here yet!” He grumbles, crossing his arms.

“No, but your aunt Mal and uncle Ri and Laynie will be soon. Grandpa will be here tonight, like always for movie night.” I smile, grabbing the little boy and holding him in my arms.

“Okay!” He smiles and claps.

“Now, go eat your dinner before Laynie gets here.” I smile and set him at his seat. He nods and digs in.

Lee gave me the greatest gift in the world before that year ended. He even got to name our son. I couldn’t deny him that. My father’s power had given us enough time to find out that one of those two times had resulted in LeeHun. Once Lee was gone, the staff all except Yoon, stayed in the castle and I brought Leehun back here. We go to visit them every month, have birthday parties there for him and here. They’re his family too. Yoon felt a responsibility, as he was the closest to Lee. He ended up meeting a really nice red head and got married about 2 years ago.

I will always love Lee and my heart still hurts after these years. The only thing I need is the memories and the family he had given to me. I couldn’t ask for a better life, except one where he is still here...

“Mommy, may I have mint chocolate ice cream after I finish my dinner?”

I smile and nod. Yeah, he’s just like his dad.

[viinchester]

I'll tag a few writers I can think of right now whose stuff I read daily so they'll know why I won't be active as much. It's not because I suddenly lost interest in your writing, I promise.😜

@stargazingfangirl18 @slothspaghettiwrites @angrythingstarlight @syntheticavenger @whisperlullaby @river-soul

I'm aware my blog's not really big and I only have like 100~ followers (which mostly consist of bots), but I wanted to still announce something for everyone who is interested.

From tomorrow, 31st March 2021, on, I'll be significantly less active on Tumblr and every other social media platform and I don't exactly know for how long. It may vary from 2 to 6 months or even more.

The reason for that is that I've finally been given a place in the mental health clinic that I've been waiting for since October of last year.

I'll explain my situation a little for those of you that want to know more. If you're not interested, you can just skip the next part until the divider.

TW: Mental Health

Ever since I was as young as 4 years old, I had a therapist or some support in similar form by my side because of problems in my family and social surroundings that affected my mental health pretty badly. I've had many different therapists and procedures done over the years and was diagnosed at age 11 with Severe Depression and Social Anxiety, as well as some not fully evolved traits of Autism. I've been working hard on myself all my life basically and it showed significant improvement over the years, but I still had my downs of course. After some.. rather unfortunate choices of mine regarding my views on whether I should even be allowed to continue living, I was admitted to a children clinic for mental health in 2015 and stayed there until 2016. The time I spent there and people I met helped me a lot in figuring out how to accept myself. When I left the clinic, I was provided with a social worker from the government who would visit me every week or so and take me places to work on my social anxiety and confronting my fears, as well as serving as a outlet to the situation I had going on with my family at home that I won't go into detail about. This social worker helped me a lot, I'll be forever thankful to them, even though I knew it was their job. Fast forward to 2019, a big year for me. I got a job and started working, like so many other people my age. In October 2019 I turned 18 and the government pressured me to lose my social worker, because I was an "adult" now. My problems and issues were nowhere near solved at that time, but I tried convincing myself that I would manage without any additional support. I couldn't even have a therapist because my work schedule didn't allow it, so I've been mentally on my own since then for the first time since I was 4 years old. Enter 2020, the most depressing year I've had so far. Inbetween Corona and my disfunctional family I could barely convince myself to get out of bed, and my mental health hit me straight in the face. It got so bad even my employer started to notice and my position at work was indefinitely threatened. My social anxiety crept up again and I felt like everyone was pitying me and laughing, so I stopped going to work, pretending to be sick and making excuses just to stay at home. Eventually, my mother (bless her heart, I owe her so much) intervented and forced me to face reality. She made me see that everything I've been working towards was hanging on a thin threat and that I needed to get myself together. I really tried, but nothing I did seemed to be enough and eventually I even started having very bad thoughts again, spiraling down the black hole I'd dug for myself. Thus, my mother convinced me to finally find help again in the form of a mental health clinic, seeing as it had helped me back in 2015/2016 too. Because of Corona the waiting time was longer than before, so I've been waiting since October of last year for a place there.

Now, I'm finally able to go there and because of that, I may not be online as much anymore.

I'll still try to be active at least once a day, reblogging posts and interacting as much as I can, but I probably won't be able to be here as much as I'd like to be.

I'm not sure how long this will take, they said it could be anywhere between 2 to 6 months or longer, so we'll see.

Thank you so much for any and all support, it means a lot to me and I hope I haven't annoyed anyone too much with my rambling, but I felt like I own the few mutuals and followers I have as well as the writers I read stories from daily an explanation for my sudden disappearance of sorts.

[xanderwithanx]

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.