#tw: reference to drug abuse

[schrijverr]

Old Wounds May Scar, but They Never Stop Hurting

Mike used to be in the Army before he ran into Harvey. He doesn’t like talking about what he saw back then or the injuries he suffered. However, when they prevent him from getting up, Harvey steps in and helps him, not only with the pain, but also in getting better accessibility at work.

AKA I give Mike chronic pain, cane swag and shit on the US Military and healthcare for 13k words.

@flawsome4ever I hope this is what you expected, sorry for the length, but this prompt gripped me by the throat and inspired me!

On AO3.

Ships: none

Warnings: The US Army, the US healthcare system, war, mentions of old injuries and death, chronic pain, interalized ableism, trauma, reference to drug addiction.

~~~~~~~~~~

In hindsight Harvey will wonder how it took him this long to notice and then he’ll look at Mike’s thin figure and fail again to see a soldier in there. However, sometimes when Mike levels his eyes at him, he wonders how anyone could ever miss it.

Yet, Harvey consoles his bruised ego about people reading with the fact that there were some things that he picked up. Despite the fact that they didn’t click until later.

When they first meet, Harvey notes the calloused hand that shakes his. He shakes a lot of hands. He shakes the hands of the powerful, of the wealthy, of the desk job workers, the business men. And especially today, he has shaken a lot of lawyer hands already, much to his dismay.

All the hands today have been soft, with too much product to keep them like that. Except for these, who lack the grooming and appearances that is part of this world. They instead speak of work, actual hard work that requires more effort than what your average Harvard gradate does. These hands, combined with the wink from Donna, make him look twice at the kid, who just entered his interview room.

The second thing Harvey notices, is Mike’s walk.

This takes him a few times. There isn’t anything extremely particular about it, just a good confident walk, like so many have in the business world. Yet it is odd on Mike, who he met during a drug run and has seemingly never owned a suit in his life past prom.

Because when Mike walks, he walks with confidence. It is almost like he walks to a drum beat only he can hear, with his shoulders upright and his face forwards. He is still clumsy from time to time, but Harvey has also noticed how he plays it up when that paralegal girl, Rachel he thinks her name is, is around. And he mostly seems to have butterfingers. Because his posture is immaculate.

Harvey is grateful for it when he does notice. He has been worried about being found out ever since he hired the kid. Mike still has a lot to learn about being a lawyer and all the things that come with going to law school. But a good posture takes a while to ingrain and he appreciates that it is one less worry on his list.

Another thing Harvey has never truly noticed, but in hindsight is something his subconscious noted, is how Mike sits facing the door.

They rarely sit together, but Harvey notices that Mike doesn’t sit down unless there is a seat facing the door. He would rather pace the area, picking up items that don’t belong to him, flip through vinyls or lean against desks.

In the conference room, he prefers it if they sit facing the firm, telling Harvey it is because the skyline behind them is intimidating and that way they can see Jessica coming if they’re doing something she said they shouldn’t.

It says a lot about Harvey as a person that the second reason is the most convincing.

Even in his cubicle, which is located alongside a passageway, he ensures he never has a blind spot. At first, Harvey thinks it is just childishness that has Mike spinning in his chair like it’s a theme park ride. However, after a bit of reflection, he realizes that it is to follow people as they pass. To spin towards the elevators as they arrive, bringing strangers, and ensuring that no movement slips past him.

And then there are the things Harvey chalked up to being from a poorer background. Again, he found the kid on a drug run, it isn’t a weird assumption that he would have a few leftover habits from that time.

For example, Mike will eat anything. Sure, he may look at some things with suspicion, but if he gets it and it is presented as food, he will eat it. And Mike eats fast.

Harvey has watched in amazement as a burger disappeares in seconds, as he tries not to think of whatever made him eat like it was the first time in days and someone might take it away if he doesn’t hurry.

Besides that, he has also discovered that Mike carries a knife with him at all times. He discovers that when a package arrives while they’re late in the office. It’s the files they subpoenaed and the other side is trying to make it difficult for them to access them.

He himself has a letter opener, something Mike had laughed at when he first saw it, but now is useful, or so he thinks. However, the opposition has really taped the box shut and the delicate knife is struggling with getting through.

After watching him for a few moments, Mike rolls his eyes and pushes him aside. From his pocket, he produces a sturdy pocket knife and deftly cuts through the tape, removing a few staples in the process as well. Once done he cheekily grins: “There you go.”

“Why the hell do you have that?” Harvey asks, not even bothering to be grateful they can access the evidence now.

“Because it is useful,” Mike informs him, looking a bit confused.

“If the police even suspects that you’re carrying that for unlawful purposes, they can arrest you, you know that, right?” Harvey says.

“Relax,” Mike assures him. “It’s under four inches, thus allowed and on top of that, I have been carrying this since I met you and you’ve never noticed. And opening boxes isn’t really unlawful, now is it?” Then he shrugs, “Besides, it could have been worse, I used to carry a switchblade.”

“You what?” Harvey exclaims.

“I said used to, I don’t do it anymore. I’m not stupid,” Mike tells him and in that second Harvey doesn’t even think to remember that active US Army personnel is allowed to carry a switchblade in the state of New York.

“Just don’t be an idiot,” Harvey says, for lack of something better to say.

“Never,” Mike grins, before grabbing a stack of papers out the box. “Now, lets find what these sons of bitches are hiding.”

At the end of the night, Mike has found the discrepancy. After handing it to Harvey he rubs his back and shoulder, grimaces for a moment, before collapsing against the desk and immediately falling asleep, so that he can catch as many hours as possible. Which is coincidentally another thing Harvey has noted, but never thought much about.

Mike can sleep anywhere at anytime.

It’s a skill many associates have to learn through trial and error as they struggle with the workload they never thought could be bigger than college exams. Harvey remembers being them. Remembers walking through the hallways, desperately wanting to sleep, but an uncomfortable chair and hard desk preventing him.

He still sees them walking around like he used to do and wondered how Mike would fare. It has been a while since the kid was in college after all.

However, he needn’t have worried, because Mike sleeps instantly and wakes up just as easily, ready and alert. Though, he always stretches and groans afterwards, scowling more than on other days, something Harvey can understand, shuddering as he thinks back on the many nights he used his desk as pillow.

Donna has made up all sorts of stories about why that is, the next one sadder than the last, but Harvey always just rolls his eyes. There might be truth to it, but with what Mike lets slip, he has never truly been on the streets. Privately, he thinks it’s because he needed to keep an eye on his grandmother and this was the way to cope with that.

But even without all that, it isn’t particularly odd that Mike sleeps well even on the floor of the file room, or slumped against a desk. Associates work hard. They work until they’re exhausted and then a few hours more. Harvey would be more concerned if he never saw Mike sleep. And as long as he is functional, Harvey doesn’t care much about Mike’s sleeping habits.

So, yeah, all the signs were there. Harvey knows that in hindsight. But they were all scattered throughout their interactions and Harvey isn’t knowledgeable enough about ex-Army personnel habits to put the pieces together.

Therefore, Harvey finds out that Mike used to be a soldier by complete accident and to his complete surprise on an innocuous Tuesday.

General Curtis, an older gentleman, who has been collaborating with private security for a few years now as liaison. He is still active in the Army, but when he is in Harvey’s office, the man knows he’s not there on the military’s behalf, but on the company’s that Pearson Hardman represents.

Not that it matters much to Harvey on whose behalf he is there, as long as the client pays. Besides, he likes General Curtis. He knows what he wants, is friendly enough and lets Harvey do his job with minimal interference. Mostly content if he can return with a good deal.

So, he warmly welcomes General Curtis and is discussing what needs to be done for an upcoming deal to run smoothly when Mike enters, looking a bit disheveled as always and carrying a file. “I have the McCuffins file,” he says, not yet spotting General Curtis.

When he does spot the General in full military uniform, his eyes grow wide. For a second, Harvey thinks it’s the uniform that makes Mike try to be respectful as he salutes the man.

Even as he greets him with: “General Curtis, sir,” Harvey faintly thinks he must have seen the man in Harvey’s files before.

It’s not until General Curtis salutes back and Mike falls into a parade position as General Curtis returns, “Corporal Ross? You work here, son?” That Harvey begins to realize what is happening right in front of his eyes.

“Sir, yes, sir,” Mike responds as Harvey watches with surprised fascination. Behind his eyes all the aforementioned puzzle pieces start to click together as the words ‘Corporal Ross’ ring around his head on a loop.

“It’s good to see you on your feet again, Corporal,” General Curtis smiles as if seeing an old friend when saying that.

“Sir, thank you, sir,” Mike nods in response, tensing slightly.

On his face in an expression Harvey doesn’t know. He knows the cheeky grin Mike wears, the serious expression as he argues, the smug face when they win, the disbelieving one when Harvey does something he could never.

However, now his face is blank. It’s an odd expression. Like he is a doll, a toy soldier with only this expression carved on. Not at all the expressive Mike he knows. It is a weird thing to witness. It feels wrong.

Meanwhile, General Curtis slaps Mike left shoulder hard enough to make him wince. Then he grins: “None of that formal military stuff. Neither of us are here for the Military. Harvey here is helping the company I’m a liaison for in a deal. You two work together?”

“Sir- Yes. I’m his associate,” Mike informs him. “I do the paperwork. Still climbing my way up here, sir.”

“Well,” General Curtis laughs, “knowing you, you’ll be there in no time.”

“Thank you, sir,” Mike replies, not sounding like he means it and Harvey wonders why he is underselling himself to General Curtis and why he looks uncomfortable. Mad, even.

And it’s not just the stiff politeness that is so unusual on the kid, it’s the way his back is ramrod straight, the way he is trying to end the conversation, the way he is showing any emotions. The whole interaction is creeping Harvey out.

“While I appreciate this reunion, Mike has a lot of work to get back to and we have a lot to discuss,” he cuts in before General Curtis can react.

“Of course,” General Curtis says jovially. “I hope to run into you again, son.”

“Sir,” Mike salutes again, dropping off the files and briskly walking away in that manner Harvey has always known and can now suddenly place.

It hasn’t hit him before, but it is now. Mike used to be Military. Mike is a veteran. Mike knows General Curtis. Mike was a Corporal.

The whole thing is swirling through his head as he quickly gets through his meeting with General Curtis. He is slightly off kilter the entire time, but enough of a professional that General Curtis doesn’t notice. And before he knows it, he is saying goodbye and falling into his chair.

It’s hard to connect skinny, fishbone, ex-drug addict, difficulty with authority Mike with the image of a soldier. Yet here Harvey is, attempting to reconcile the two.

He wonders what happened to the kid.

He sits in his office staring for long enough that Donna comes in. She looks a bit uncertain, something she rarely does, before she takes a breath and sits down as she says: “That was certainly something.”

“Did Mike look off to you?” Harvey asks, not really reacting to the statement that was more meant as an icebreaker than something that needed a reply.

“Stiff as a board and the most un-Mike I have ever seen him?” Donna ask rhetorically. “Yeah, he did. If you don’t go to talk to him, I’m calling down there to say you asked for him. Don’t stop trusting your gut now.”

“Yeah,” Harvey nods absentmindedly, before blinking the world back into focus and nodding: “Yeah, I’m going.”

He gets up and walks down to the cube farm. Another thing he subconsciously noticed now pops out to him again as he watches Mike twirl to face the door right as he walks through it. The only one there, who notices his arrival.

Their eyes meet and Mike’s immediately flit back to the pages in front of him, ignoring Harvey’s presence, despite the fact that he would usually jump up in hopes he could get to leave and do something more fun than research or paperwork with Harvey.

Slightly on guard, Harvey makes his way over to Mike’s cubicle. He leans on the edge of Mike’s desk as he always does, attempting casual. “So,” he starts, “you never told me that before.”

“And I don’t see how it is relevant for you to know,” Mike shoots back, not looking up. “Now, Louis is already giving me shit for the paperwork I put off to get you that McCuffins file, so if you have nothing to discuss except for my previous employment, then I’m going to ask you to leave. I am busy.”

For a second, Harvey looks at Mike flabbergasted. He isn’t used to rejection in general, but even more so from Mike, who has rarely rejected him this bluntly. “Mike,” he starts.

“No,” Mike cuts him off, finally looking up. “I’m serious, Harvey. I don’t want to talk about it and you have no leg to stand on in asking me. So, for both our sake, leave it alone.”

“I just wanted to-”

Again Harvey doesn’t get to finish his sentence as Mike interrupts again: “If you’re doing that thanking for your service crap, shut up. And don’t mention this to anyone, I mean it.”

“I won’t,” Harvey promises.

“Thanks.”

“But, I wanted to say, if you ever need to talk, I’m here,” Harvey says, ignoring the surprised and confused look Mike is giving him. Anything is better than the emotionless guy he saw in his office, besides he likes keeping the kid on his toes. “Or, you know, I can do something.”

“Oh, uh, I- I might,” Mike says awkwardly.

They share a nod, before Harvey walks away. He gets a few steps before he stops and turns around, asking: “Not even Donna?”

Mike rolls his eyes and says: “Like I didn’t already assume Donna would find out. It’s impossible for her not to know when you’re concerned. I half-assumed she wired you and was listening in at this point.”

Harvey snorts, then truly leaves. It’s good to see that Mike is still his Mike, he is just touchy about this topic. Though Harvey doesn’t know why.

When he relays the conversation to Donna, she shares his confused concern. However when she suggests digging with her Military contacts, he shuts her down. It is against his nature to do so and he explains: “You didn’t see him, Donna. I have never seen him like that. He really doesn’t want us digging and he is right that we wouldn't have known if it weren’t for this. Unless it starts to interfere with work, we’ll keep out of it.”

Grudgingly Donna agrees muttering: “I hate having to say you’re right to encourage your emotional development.” Something he pretends not to hear.

And for a few weeks that was that.

The first time he returns to Harvey’s office, he eyes the both of them suspiciously with unfamiliar calculating eyes. When there seems to be nothing to require a reaction, he carries on like it’s any other day without a word.

Harvey tries to forget it and that mostly works. His eyes are opened, however, and from time to time he’ll spot the habits he noticed before and will be reminded of the fact that Mike used fight in the Army. Used to be part of something that has rendered him unable or unwilling to speak about what he did back then.

It is hard to fight his curiosity, something he has never before had to do. When General Curtis comes by again to work out the last details and to sign, Mike is coincidentally busy.

As Harvey covers for his associate he wants to ask about the kid’s service time so badly, but doesn’t.

He has just about accepted that he will never learn more about Mike’s Military time.

Maybe if he becomes even closer with the kid, he thinks for a moment, but they’re about as close as they can get with Mike calling him whenever he pleases, if he has found what they need and Harvey dropping by unannounced, if he needs something from Mike. The late nights at the office, the movie references, the secrets that bind them.

So, yeah, unlikely, or so he thinks.

That assumption is challenged, because his phone starts ringing at an hour that is inhuman and causes him to want to murder whoever is other side. “Harvey Specter, this better be important,” he grouches into the phone. He’s not even ready for his 7 AM run yet.

“Hi, Harvey,” Mike sounds sheepish, but something else is tinting his voice, which sets Harvey on edge.

“Mike?” he asks. “What’s wrong?”

“Well, I wanna preface this by saying that I can usually handle this and I know that I am technicality fine,” Mike starts, doing nothing to calm Harvey’s nerves. “But I don’t think I’m making it to work today and I need you to fight Louis for me, because I have a ton of work that I have to give him today, but it’s lying here on my coffee table, so I won’t be able to do that.”

Harvey is now fully awake and his head is filled with question marks. His primary worry is the fact that Mike can’t make it to work and decides to focus on that for the moment as he says: “Are you okay? What do you mean can’t make it to work?”

He hears Mike sigh and mutter something about knowing it wouldn't be this easy. Then he speaks to Harvey again: “To be frank, I’m lying in my bed and I’m pretty sure that if I were to move I would start crying.”

That is one of the most worrying things he has heard, so – arguably, correctly concerned – he asks: “What happened? Are you hurt?”

“I mean, you could say that,” Mike says and now that he knows what it is, he can place the pain that laces his voice.

“What?” Harvey will later argue that his voice was not shrill, thank you very much.

“Oh, yeah, okay, that can sound wrong, wait,” Mike tells him. “I’m fine now, just old pains. They don’t tell you that when you sign up for the Army, but some of that shit hurts and never leaves.”

It’s only when Mike says Army that Harvey realizes what is going on. Old pains are haunting Mike, apparently to the point where he can’t get out of bed and the fucking idiot is more worried about Louis’ work instead of his own well being.

“I’ll be there in 30,” he says.

“Huh? No!” Mike replies. “Why? I’m fine. I told you I’m fine. I just need today. Come on, man.”

“Yeah, you told me a lot of thing,” Harvey says, wanting to get angry, but managing to think today through, before switching to a tactic that has worked for him in the past. Lying. “But Jessica is on my ass for that thing with Louis last week and if Louis even sniffs something is off, he is running to her to convince her to punish me. So, here’s what is going to happen, I’m not fighting him for you today, instead I’m getting the work from you and you can deal.”

Mike is quiet for a moment, then grudgingly agrees: “Sure. Whatever.”

“Alright,” Harvey nods. “I have the keys, be there in 30.” Then hangs up.

He gets dressed in the first clothes he pulls out of his closet. Him being him, that means he is wearing a full suit, though he isn’t bothering with all the buttons or the tie, so he looks a lot more rumpled than usual.

Ray isn’t on duty yet, since it is so early, so he hails a cab and pays extra for the driver to break a few laws. Exactly 30 minutes later he is rolling up to Mike’s shitty apartment building, where the elevator has never been in working order and he takes the steps two at a time.

Harvey is pretty sure he has never looked more like a mess when he lets himself into Mike’s apartment, sweaty and breathing heavy.

The apartment is the biggest question mark to Harvey, who always thought that Military personnel were neat and organized. Meanwhile Mike’s apartment can best be compared to a hurricane and the kid in question is never without a button missing or his hair disheveled.

But he barely gives it a thought now, quickly making his way to the bed in the back of the room to ensure with his own eyes that Mike is alright. Well, as alright as he can be.

Mike is half asleep when he gets there. One eye is watching him, but his gaze isn’t as alert as it usually is and his hair looks even more messier than normal. He is wrapped up in multiple blankets, his phone on the pillow next to him. Tiredly, he croaks: “Heyyy,” failing at casual.

“Hi,” Harvey humors him anyway. “You look like shit.”

“Thanks,” Mike rolls his eyes goodnaturedly. Then causally comments one of the most horrifying things ever. “You get multiple shots in the back once and your body never lets you forget it.”

“What?” Harvey isn’t ashamed to admit he choked on those words.

At that point Mike seems to realize what he has admitted and cringes sheepishly, as he softly tries: “It’s not that bad?”

“Mike…” Harvey starts.

“The paperwork!” Mike cuts him off with forced cheer, trying to sit up to hand it over, only to groan in agony before collapsing back onto the bed with a choked: “Fuck.”

“Mike,” Harvey repeats, this time with concern as he hover around the bed, unsure of what he can do to help.

“I’m fine,” Mike exclaims in an obvious lie. “Just moved wrong.”

“Mike…” Harvey is starting to feel like a broken record.

“Don’t worry,” Mike fails to assure him. “It’s usually not like this, I promise. Just the rain and cold that hate me.”

“Just stay down,” Harvey orders.

And Mike groans: “Don’t have to tell me twice,” as he burrows back into the comforter.

“Thank fuck,” Harvey mutters to himself, uncomfortable with seeing Mike in pain and being unable to do anything. He looks around, slowly realizing he has no clue where to start. So, he just asks Mike: “Alright, what do you need?”

“A glass of water?” Mike replies, almost unsure if Harvey will actually help. Like he isn’t used to that.

Harvey tries not to think about it.

He gets the water, wrinkling his nose at the dirty dishes, before he remembers his own associate apartment with a shudder. Returning he wants to hand Mike the water, but the kid can’t drink lying down. “We’re going to need to get you into at least a semi-seated position.”

Again Mike groans, before his eyes widen a bit and he assures Harvey: “I promise I’m usually not this whiny. I swear.”

It makes Harvey wonder who told Mike he was being whiny about being shot in the back and the feeling of wanting to strangle someone comes to mind. “Mike, you got shot in the back, I would be milking this for pity and service, calm down.”

“Sorry,” Mike says sheepishly.

“Now, come on. Think that if I pull you’ll live through the momentary agony?” Harvey asks and after Mike’s nod, he pulls him up into a sitting position, rearranging his pillows so Mike can flop back slightly more upright.

“Thanks, dude,” Mike says. “Having to lie all day, or for however long this lasts, would have sucked.”

“Don’t call me dude,” Harvey replies, unable to react to the genuine thanks about just basic and minor help.

“Whatever dude,” Mike snipes cheekily, though Harvey gets the uncomfortable feeling Mike knows that he cares.

Harvey just levels him a look that does nothing anymore as he gives him the glass and orders him to drink. With the request for water, he realizes Mike is probably not in the state to get food for himself either. So, he leaves the kid on his bed and starts rummaging around in his kitchen.

Mike follows his movements with a confused look as he sips his drink. After a moment, he says: “I know my house is a mess, but the paperwork for Louis isn’t in my cupboard. It’s on the coffee table.” He looks to the coffee table in question, which looks like a bureaucratic war zone. “Well, somewhere on there.”

For a moment Harvey tries to comprehend that his associate is truly that stupid. Then he just sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose and turns back to what he was doing.

“What?” Mike asks confusedly after a moment.

Again, Harvey levels him a look, but this time he explains: “I’m getting you food, idiot. You’re not and that’s understandable, but if you starve I have to do your paperwork. Or find a new associate, which I already hated the first time around.”

“Oh,” Mike says, sounding touched, but also unsure of what to with that emotion. He follows Harvey’s movement a little longer, then asks: “But what about Louis?”

“I can still take it, but first food,” Harvey replies. “I haven’t eaten either yet.”

“Ah, I see,” Mike says, getting back to safer ground for both of them. “All of this is just a trick to steal my food. I see you.”

“No, my evil plans to steal your stale bread and two eggs, down the drain,” Harvey deadpans, unearthing oil and salt to cook the eggs with.

Mike snorts and turns back to his water, picking up his phone with slow movements and checking his messages. Harvey keeps an eye on him as he cooks the eggs. He looks comfortable, but the twinges here and there give away that he is in pain. It makes Harvey wonder how many times he didn’t say anything. How many times Harvey didn’t notice. How many times he was alone in bed, unable to make food or grab a glass of water and just suffering.

He quickly texts Ray that there is no need to pick him up today, but that he might need him later, before plating the eggs as he contemplates whether to text Donna.

On one hand, she would want to know and cares enough about Mike to be concerned about this. On the other hand, it isn’t his place and he is pretty sure Mike doesn’t want her to know. In the end, he decides to save making the decision for later and hands Mike his plate. Sitting down on the foot of the bed with his own, since the couch has been overtaken by laundry.

They eat in silence, but it isn’t uncomfortable.

As they eat, Harvey tries to make a plan of action for the rest of the day. He needs to find out to what extend this is affecting Mike and how to take that into account, maybe clean a bit because Harvey doesn’t think he could live like this. Then he also needs make sure Mike is comfortable today and won’t get any shit at work without telling people about this, whose business it absolutely isn’t.

“So,” he starts after another moment. “Does this happen often?”

Mike gives him a calculating look, before he swallows his bite and shrugs, wincing at the movement: “Depends. It hurts often, kind of comes with the territory, but to this extend is rare. I can usually function just fine.”

“Would you have ever told me without the paperwork for Louis hanging over you?” Harvey asks then, biting the bullets one by one.

At the question, Mike doesn’t meet his eyes. “I don’t know. Probably not. It’s not really something I like to bother people with.”

“Bother?” Harvey repeats, unable to stop himself.

“Harvey,” Mike says in a ‘lets be serious here’-tone. “You had to haul me up and make me food, it is a chore to know this, because people feel guilty. Especially since it’s old Army pain. They feel this need to help. Hell, even you, a known uncaring bastard felt the need to do it. I don’t want to push that on people. Besides, it’s not even that bad most of the time.”

It’s the first time he has heard Mike speak about the Army freely and it breaks his heart. Feeling the need to set the record straight, he says: “Mike, stop. Yeah, it’s a little work, but it’s not like you have any control over this. I don’t feel guilty or whatever other emotion you’ll try to pin on me. Believe it or not, I consider you a friend and I don’t mind lending a hand, if you need it. And right now, you just happen to need it.”

If he were to go off Mike’s look, he would think he has grown an extra head. It is as if he has never heard anything like that before.

“Goddammit,” he sighs. “Mike, just accept that this is a thing that is happening. I don’t mind and it is all fine, alright.”

“You- You don’t mind?” Mike asks, like he still isn’t sure.

“I don’t,” Harvey repeats, forcefully. “I have never done anything I don’t want to and I’m not starting now.”

That luckily seems to be something Mike can believe.

“But, just so you know, you can just walk away,” Mike feels the urge to emphasize anyway.

“Okay, I’ll remember that,” Harvey says, not feeling like fighting Mike more on this, since it is apparently not going anywhere anytime soon. There are more important things to focus on. “Now, when this happens, what do you usually do?”

“Just lie in bed,” Mike answers. “If I feel like it I’ll get some water and easy snacks to pile around me. And a hot water bottle. Then I might read or sleep more. But that’s just if it gets like this, most of the time I’m fine and I just try to go on about my day best I can.”

Harvey restrains himself from getting angry at the injustice of it all and the fact that Mike is trying to undersell this, instead choosing to get up. “Where is the hot water bottle?”

Despite all he has said to him, Mike still looks surprised as he tells Harvey. Something Harvey also tries to ignore.

He makes the hot water bottle and checks the time. It’s 8 AM. Technically work starts at 9 AM, something Harvey tends to ignore in favor of showing up whenever he wants, while Mike is usually there at this time (or so he has been told, he’s never really there to check).

However, Louis gets to the office strictly at 9 AM and he is not showing up early just to hand Louis of all people his paperwork. He’ll hand it to him sometime in the morning, he resolves.

With that decision made, he goes to hand Mike the hot water bottle. Mike takes it and puts it over his left shoulder, groaning as he twists to get there. He is still wrapped in his blanket and has an oversized shirt on to sleep in. With the hot water bottle in place he settles back into his pillow kingdom, the grimace slowly fading from his face.

Again Harvey wants to ask what exactly happened, because all he has now are bullets and rain and cold. But he knows better.

So instead he walks around the messy apartment and finds a stack of books, the top one bookmarked indicating this is the stack Mike is working through.

He had once commented on Mike’s messy desk and he explained that he worked with stacks, bookmarking the top thing of the ‘to be read’-stack as he worked his way down and having the done-stack face down, because he basically flipped the through the stack like a book. If you just happened to work on five cases, things got out of hand easily.

Harvey sets them down on the nightstand, then notes how far Mike will have to stretch to grab them, the probable reason he keeps his phone in his bed, just in case something like today happens. So, he takes the top three books and deposits them on the bed instead.

Mike sends him a grateful little look, then takes the top book and starts reading, though to Harvey it will always look like he’s barely scanning it. Mike’s brain always amazes him.

He takes a moment to look at Mike, a kid who has become like a brother to him, someone to protect and guide, and it hits him how small the chances were of them ever meeting, of him even considering hiring Mike. How he almost never ended up in this place with the brilliant, kind and genuine kid.

After the moment has passed, he takes the dirty breakfast plates and brings them to the kitchen. In the background Mike calls out: “Just leave them near the sink. I’ll do the dishes later.”

Harvey takes a look at the sink and concludes that Mike must have been saying that to himself for quite a while, because it is piled high. It’s gross and honestly, Harvey would rather just do the dishes than have to look at them all day. So, he starts to run the tab.

From his place on the bed, Mike hears and yells: “I’m serious, Harvey. Just leave the dishes, I can do them just fine.”

“Mike, these dishes are gross and I have literally nothing better to do,” Harvey calls back. “I never have to do my dishes, because I have a goddamn dishwasher. It’s not the biggest punishment.”

“But it is a punishment,” Mike argues. “So, just leave them. It’s fine, I swear.”

“Just read your damn books, Mike,” Harvey says, proceeding to ignore any other protest Mike makes after that.

When he is done, he leans against the door and asks: “I thought Military personnel is thought to be neat,” not really expecting an answer.

“It is almost like I had five years to redevelop all the bad I habits I already had,” Mike tells him with an amused brow raise. “I’m a messy person by nature. The Army took that from me, I just took it back.”

Harvey is surprised to have gotten such a straightforward answer to his Army question. The end phrasing strikes him as odd, but Mike has turned back to his book already, obviously done with the conversation.

By now it’s a quarter past nine. He’s been at Mike’s for about two hours and done as much as he could to get Mike comfortable. It might be time to deliver on the reason he is ever there in the first place and go bring Louis his goddamn paperwork. Mike should be fine for the time that takes.

So, he starts sorting through the paperwork filled coffee table, trying to recall Mike’s complaining about the case Louis was demanding his help on.

In the end he finds three thick yet completed briefs, which came in yesterday according the date, but have all been clearly proofed in Mike’s handwriting. He holds them up to Mike and asks: “These the paperwork Louis needs?” while texting Ray.

“Yeah,” Mike says. “You going?”

“You look comfortable enough,” Harvey shrugs in explanation.

“Thanks for all this, by the way,” Mike smiles. “I really appreciate it. I’ll likely be able to come in tomorrow, so don’t worry.”

“Wait,” Harvey says, hearing the goodbye, “you do realize I’m coming back after, right?”

“What? Why?” Mike frowns in a confused manner.

For a moment all Harvey can do is look disbelieving at him. He forcefully reminds himself that Mike seems to have no clue what the words ‘taking care of’ mean. Not that he has said them out loud, because he is still Harvey Specter.

He pinches the bridge of his nose, before saying: “Mike, I said, I’m going to lend a hand, if you need it and unless you can make me believe you couldn't use one for the rest of the day, I’m coming back here and you can’t stop me.”

“This is weird, like you’re threatening me with help,” Mike says, for lack of better response, since anything else is pushing the boundaries of emotional displays that have grown between them.

“Alright, I’ll see you in an hour and half or so,” Harvey nods satisfied. “I’m also picking up stuff for me to work on, so Donna is probably going to ask…” the unasked question of how much he can tell her silently tacked on.

“You can just tell her, but I would appreciate if you didn’t mention the shooting thing, or the fact that I’m too much of a dramatic little bitch to get out of bed,” Mike says. “But I think her knowing will help in fighting Louis when I come back to work,” he grins at that and he is right that having Donna’s protection is the best methods against Louis.

Still, Harvey can’t let the wording pass without comment. So, he says: “I won’t, but I don’t really think you’re being a ‘dramatic little bitch.’ Anything else?”

Mike raises a brow, but doesn’t respond to the comment, instead tentatively saying: “I have some briefs you asked for on my desk? I can work on those from here.”

Harvey gives him an assessing look, asking: “You’ll be okay doing that?”

“I’ll be fine,” Mike tells him in a tone that screams ‘stop mother-hening me,’ which is foreign in being directed at Harvey. “I can read just fine, briefs is reading.”

“You’ll also be writing,” Harvey points out, ever the lawyer.

“And I’ll be writing,” Mike concedes. “But my bad shoulder is on the left and I’m right-handed, so – like I said – I’ll be fine.”

After one last look, Harvey believes him and leaves the apartment, sliding into the car that is waiting for him downstairs. Ray asks if everything is alright and Harvey assures him that Mike is okay, just not feeling very well, without giving away any details.

During the drive he finally does the last of his buttons and ties his tie. He is going to look like always and ignore how he is bringing Louis his paperwork, like he’s some sort of delivery boy. He has left his mail room days behind him, please and thank you.

30 minutes later and he is strolling into the cube farm like he owns it. The associates there stare for a second, before pretending to be working really hard. He spots a few glancing at Mike’s empty desk with sick glee in their eyes. They probably think he is here for Mike and that the kid is about to be punished for not showing up.

Harvey finds joy in casually strolling up to Mike’s desk like he expected this (which he did) and taking a stack of briefs bookmarked and right side up. He puts them in his briefcase, taking out the work for Louis, because if he knows the man, he’ll be there any moment.

Louis doesn’t disappoint and indeed comes walking in, already demanding to know where Mike is and what Harvey is doing there, because unlike other people, Louis works hard and needs the briefs that were supposed to be done today.

Casually Harvey waits until Louis is done with his tirade, before smirking and holding out the requested files. “I’m not here to mess up your little schedule, Louis. Not enough fun, honestly. Here, your briefs.”

“Huh?” Louis takes them, his face filled with confusion. “Why do you have these?”

“To give to you,” Harvey answers, like this is a normal thing and Louis is weird for how he is reacting.

“I can see that, Harvey,” Louis snaps. “Why are you delivering Mike’s paperwork?”

“Because I have commandeered him for today, since he is my associate after all,” Harvey pulls something out of his ass. “I’m pretty sure he’s running around like a headless chicken collecting all I need right now, but because Mike care about whatever the fuck you do for some godforsaken reason, he asked me to make sure you got this.”

“And you just did it?” Louis asks, rightfully suspicious.

“I am a man of many mysteries and layers, Louis,” Harvey tells him condescendingly. “You wouldn't get it and that’s okay. Now, I have actual work to do.” And with that he turns around and walks away.

As he does, Louis yells after him: “Don’t think I won’t find out what you’re planning, Harvey! And I am the most mysterious man there is. You don’t even know the depths I have. I’m like the Grand Canyon.”

Then the elevator doors close behind him and he’s off to the fiftieth floor.

Donna is sitting at her desk when he arrives, diligently typing away. Something that ceases the moment he gets there as she asks him: “Where is Mike? He didn’t bring me my morning coffee like he usually does,” as if she is an interrogator.

“Home,” Harvey answers, knowing there will be follow up questions.

“Home?” Donna repeats. “Why? Is he alright?”

“He is technically fine, but old Army injuries are acting up, so he can’t really come in today,” he explains. “I’m picking up some paperwork for us to do, so I can keep an eye on him and ensure that he doesn’t do anything idiotic.”

“Old Army injuries?” Donna asks.

“He asked me not to say,” he tells her apologetically.

“I should go, I can help,” she says, already reaching for her stuff.

“Don’t,” Harvey stops her and she sends him a look. “He already hates that I’m there and thinks I’m being dramatic. He’s barely talking to me. It’s pretty worrying, not going to lie. At this point he is more likely to yell at you if you show up. Besides, I need you here to keep Jessica and Louis off our backs.”

Donna clearly doesn’t like that reply, but gives in. She never passes a chance to bully Louis. So, she sighs: “Alright. What is the story.”

“You’re the best,” Harvey grins.

“I know.”

“Anyway, I told Jessica nothing and she might not even notice that neither me or Mike have shown up today. However, I gave Louis some of the briefs Mike has done for him and he asked why the hell I was doing that,” Harvey explains. “So, I said that Mike was running errands around the city for me and I am just that nice.”

“Tsk, like he’ll believe that,” Donna snorts.

“Exactly,” Harvey agrees. “So, he might come asking questions or go to Jessica. I need you to mollify him and keep me updated on whatever bullshit you feed him.”

“And if Jessica comes asking?” Donna inquires.

“If you can convince her of the same bullshit as Louis, try that and I’ll deal with the fallout. Otherwise just tell her to call me.”

“Alright.”

“Thank you, Donna.”

“Of course,” she smiles kindly. “Now grab you paperwork and go help your boy.”

He wants to protest the moniker, but is reminded of the scene of this morning when Mike was reading and how content he felt. Suddenly he feels incapable of protesting it, so he just ignores it and goes to collect some of his own paperwork.

Then he bids Donna farewell, promising to tell her if anything happens, before leaving again. He sighs when back in the car, glad to leave the place behind him, despite the fact it feels more like home than his own condo.

Half an hour later, he is again laboring up the steps, wondering why Mike hasn’t tried to fight his landlord over this neglect, especially since the kid apparently does this while carrying his bike each day.

When he finally makes it, he unlocks the door and is immediately greeted by a loud thump and a groan. His heart beats with worry and he hurries to the bedroom, calling Mike’s name.

In the bedroom, Mike is lying curled onto his side, clutching his hip and shoulder as he groans again. Next to him on the floor are the books Harvey left there. He looks fine, beyond the obvious and relief fills Harvey’s bones.

“Holy hell, Mike,” he breathes. “You fucking scared me. What an earth were you even trying to do?”

Mike looks up pitifully and answers: “I just wanted to go to the bathroom. Ugh, I knew I shouldn’t have shoved my cane in the back of my closet.”

“Cane?” Harvey exclaims, unable to hide the shock at the revelation.

“Oh, yeah,” Mike replies, waving a hand vaguely. “They gave me one. I should probably use it more, but Trevor always said it made me look like a grandfather and the stares are fucking uncomfortable.”

Harvey tries to process that this is a thing (the urge to strangle Trevor is familiar and back in full force) as he asks: “Do you want me to grab it?”

“Can’t hurt, but if you don’t mind helping me hobble to the bathroom, it’s up to you,” Mike answers, pushing himself into a seated position with his right arm, wincing as he does.

The blankets are now pooled around him and Harvey can see that his is in dressed in nothing but a shirt and trunks. He stretches and Harvey can spot a nasty scar on his left shoulder when the wide sleeve slides down. Mike groans and they can hear bones crack.

With that done, he rubs his eyes, before looking at Harvey, who offers a hand and says: “I don’t know how long it’ll take to find it.”

“Smart,” Mike nods. “I have to go really bad.”

Harvey gets on his right side to avoid agitating the scared shoulder on the left, letting Mike sling an arm around him, before hauling him to his feet. As he does, he notices there is also a scar on Mike’s right hip that snakes out from under his trunks. But he doesn’t comment on it.

As they go, Mike makes small pained noises that make Harvey want to fight someone. He also apologizes a few times to Harvey for being an inconvenience, as well as comment how fucking embarrassing this is.

While Harvey can understand being embarrassed about being helped to the bathroom, he shrugs it off. He also shuts the inconvenience thing down real fast.

Mike pees. He waits outside. Then they make the track back to the bed. Harvey can’t help, but peek at the nasty looking scars, continually picturing Mike bleeding out somewhere. An irrational fear grips him as he thinks of Mike not making it.

Of course, Mike notices it, but neither brings it up just yet. Harvey just hands him the paperwork and tells him about what went down at the office as he digs through the closet for the cane.

“Maybe I should have tried to hold on to a bit of that cleanness,” Mike comments as he watches Harvey dig further and further, the ground around him now filled with all the other crap he had stuffed in there haphazardly.

“Why didn’t you?” Harvey asks, seeing an opening and remembering the odd phrasing from earlier that morning.

He can feel Mike’s eyes burn into his back, but he doesn’t stop looking for the cane, content to wait for a reply and already prepared to never get one.

“Like I said, I’m a messy person,” Mike’s voice comes from behind, surprisingly answering. “In the Army you’re supposed to be a cog in a bigger machine. There is no room to be a person, to be anything but what they need you to be. They forced me to be this clean person, they changed me and when I got back, I tried to find who I was again. And I am just a messy person.”

“You talk about it like the Army did something to you,” Harvey comments idly, mulling over the words.

“And?” Mike sounds defensive.

“Nothing,” Harvey shrugs. “Most soldiers talk about the brotherhood, how they miss it, how it taught them things. Not used to hearing anyone be so bitter about it.”

Mike snorts: “That’s because they really try to push that narrative to find new recruits. Anyone being critical is quickly shut down or doesn’t make it.”

“Doesn’t make it?” Harvey asks, as he triumphantly pulls the cane from the closet, finally facing Mike again as he holds it.

The kid smiles and shakes his head, taking it and placing it next to his bed. The way he handles it looks familiar and Harvey again wonders what happened to him and if he’ll get an answer or if Mike has shared enough for today.

“Yeah, doesn’t make it,” Mike surprises him by answering when he’s done. He looks right at him and says: “I saw you watching.” Harvey looks guilty at that. “It’s alright, I get it. But I’m one of the lucky ones. We were hit by a spray of bullets, three got me. My shoulder, my back and my hip. I got an honorable medical discharge and they shipped me back to the US where I got the care I needed for the lowest cost, before they threw me on the streets and told me to figure it out. That is being lucky, Harvey.”

Harvey is quiet as he listens. He never served, never even thought of it, just blindly listened to whatever he heard from people who didn’t serve either. What Mike is telling him is all news to him and he wonders how he never knew.

“I had just received three heavy blows to places that were already damaged by always carrying a heavy pack around,” Mike continues. “I had no college degree, since I joined after I was kicked out, because there was nowhere else for me to go. What could I do? Nothing. They don’t tell you that you’re done when you leave the Army.”

At this point it’s less an answer to Harvey’s question and more a rant. It sounds like it has been trapped inside Mike for a long time, so Harvey doesn’t interrupt.

“I was constantly in pain and with my record before the Army, no doctor was willing to prescribe me painkillers, so I turned back to drugs. I couldn't work and was too weak to care for Grammy, so I spiraled back into criminal activity again. The Army doesn’t get anyone back on their feet, they just take and spit people out. They destroyed my future more than drugs and cheating did,” Mike says, breathing heavily.

In the back of his mind, Harvey feels guilty about taking Mike’s one pain relief when he started working for Pearson Hardman. However, he also knows that weed was keeping Mike chained down in his shitty situation.

Still, he resolves to ask how Mike manages his pain now.

“Hell, I can’t walk through a metal detector normally anymore,” Mike rant on, “because they just sewed the bullets back in order to get bleeding to stop enough to drag me out of there. Though, not before digging around in them with a knife, making sure the scaring would be horrible, as they decided to fuck it to save time and my life. And, now, if they try to get them out, they might paralyze me for life. Not to mention all the mental bullshit that comes with it.”

“And I have to live with the fact that I’m one of the lucky ones,” he is bordering on hysteria now and Harvey isn’t sure if he should intervene.

His fists are clenched and he is shaking slightly. Tentatively, Harvey sits down next to him, putting a hand on the back of his neck as he softly says: “…Mike.”

“I used to have really bad nightmares when I just came back,” Mike confesses softly. “I remember everything I saw out there in vivid detail. I hoped the weed would dim them, but it never did.” He chuckles bitterly. “I still have them actually, I just don’t wake up screaming anymore, because I have become so desensitized to them. It’s just a part of my life now. Part of me.”

At the soft, broken tone Harvey can’t take it anymore and carefully pulls Mike into a side hug. He pretends not to feel the tears slowly staining his suit.

“Sorry,” Mike sniffles after a while.

“Please stop apologizing for the most reasonable reactions and things you can’t control,” Harvey tells him gently. “I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through, it’s okay to be upset. Hell, to be traumatized.”

“Ah, so-, uhm,” Mike clears his throat. “Thank you. You don’t have to do this, but I’m glad you’re here. I didn’t expect today to be this much. It’s been a while since it was this bad, I guess all sorts of things came to the front.”

“It’s no issue at all,” Harvey says, nearly admitting how glad he is Mike didn’t hide this from him and that he can be here for him.

Mike doesn’t really reply to that, just leans further into Harvey’s side and wipes his eyes. “It’s hard to explain how bad it was. But no one cares about you out there and no one cares when you get back. You see the worst shit and then you just have to report for duty the next day like nothing happened. Like you didn’t try and fail to hold the blood of your friend inside him hours before. Like you don’t want to go curl up into a ball, cry and go home.”

“Is that the reason you don’t like General Curtis?” Harvey asks, remembering the dislike that radiated off Mike, hidden under that impassive mask, while the General seemed friendly.

At that Mike snorts bitterly and pulls back a bit as he explains: “When I knew him, he was Sargent Curtis. Friendly, but sneaky. I’m a Corporal, I was a team leader, but I reported to him. He took pride in me being under him, since I was bright and he could take credit for my successes, without having to take the risks.”

Harvey is just starting to think that sounds a bit like him, when Mike says: “He was kind of like the anti-you. Pretended to care then stabbed you in the back without teaching you a thing.

That earns Mike a raised brow, since not many would describe Harvey as the opposite of that, but Mike ignores that and moves on: “Anyway, we had just come back from one of the shittiest missions to date. We were all exhausted, so I told my men to take the evening, while I went to check up on the wounded. Maybe write a few letters to widows or now childless mothers.”

A part of Harvey doesn’t want to know how this story ends and his heart breaks for Mike, who has lived it.

“The next morning, I stumble back to camp and Sargent Curtis is in my face screaming about why my platoon didn’t show up for evening drills,” Mike continues. “I had just returned from the medical tent. Two of the three wounded didn’t make it through the night. I had held their hands the entire night and promised them that they would be okay. That they would go home soon.”

Mike stares unseeingly at the ground. “I decided then, the whole Military could choke and I would never sign up for another tour. However, a week later that decision was made for me. I will never forget that fucking asshole. I wonder whose coattail he rode to General.”

“Fuck. Mike,” Harvey breathes after a second.

“I’m fine now,” Mike assures him, giving him a crooked smile that is only half believable. Then he clears his throat and blinks. “Wow, I just really dumped that all on you.”

“You looked like you needed it,” Harvey says, adding, “And I’m the guy you tell, remember?”

That gets a laugh out of Mike, which makes Harvey prouder than it has the right to. Mike softly elbows him and rolls his eyes. “Alright, Mr. Lawyer-man. Just hand me my paperwork. I need a distraction right now.”

“Course,” Harvey agrees, having pushed more than enough for today.

The rest of the day passes slowly, but companionably. Harvey puts the stuff back in the closet in a more organized manner and gets lunch at some point. He also organizes Mike’s coffee table and rearranges the mess on the couch, so that he can comfortably work there.

It’s about half past 3 that Harvey’s phone rings. Donna’s face smiles up from the screen and he picks up with a smooth: “Hello, Donna. What’s up?”

“I’m trying to keep your line busy, since Jessica was just here and she is probably on her way to her office to interrogate you,” Donna informs him.

“Louis didn’t believe you?” he asks.

“No, he did, she just happened to hear what I fed Louis and didn’t believe that,” Donna says. “She asked me what was really going on and I told her you weren’t really out on a free day, but finalizing the paperwork for a deal for the company of Louis’ sister and didn’t want him to know.”

“Let me guess, she didn’t think I would be that considerate.”

“Bingo,” Donna agrees. “So I hope you have something to tell her, because I’m sure she’ll be able to find you otherwise. By the way, how is Mike doing?”

Harvey glances at Mike, who sends him a questioning brow. He is still in bed with the hot water bottle now on his hip, surrounded by paperwork, marker behind his ear. “He is good,” he tells Donna. “We’ll come up with something.”

“Alright, bye,” Donna says. “I’m off to call Jessica and stall her to give you time.” Then she hangs up with a click.

“What did Donna need?” he asks.

“Jessica can call any moment, because she didn’t believe our excuses for not being in today,” Harvey answers, getting up and walking back over to Mike. “What are we telling her?”

“We can say I’m just sick?” Mike offers.

“Wouldn’t work, she knows I hate being sick and avoid sick people like my life depends on it. If you were contagious, I wouldn’t be here,” Harvey shakes his head, falling down on the bed as he shoots the idea down.

“So now what?” Mike asks.

Harvey has another option, but he doesn’t know how it will be received. Carefully he suggests: “We can also just tell her the truth. We’re lawyers, she knows the anti-discrimination laws, you’re entitled to sick days and aid.”

“And what about you, huh,” Mike challenges, not shooting the idea down, but also not pleased with it at all.

“I’m doing my work and ensuring you can still do yours in these circumstances,” Harvey says. “She also doesn’t really care if I work from home, though working in office is better for our image, handier and better for if we have walk-ins. I still did my part.”

“No,” Mike shakes his head. “I’m not going to tell Jessica I’m not in, because my bones just hurt a little bit. She already doesn’t like me very much, I’m not giving her more reasons to think I’m a whiny little bitch.”

“I asked you to stop with calling yourself a whiny little bitch,” Harvey reminds him. “You have an actual medical condition that is not a moral failing. She’ll understand and then you can discuss accessibility aid.”

Mike scowls: “I don’t need accessibility aid.”

Harvey sighs. “Why not?”

“Everyone there already thinks you’re giving me special treatment and I have been functioning fine until now,” Mike says. “If I randomly show up with a cane or get help, everyone will have questions and I don’t need the extra shit. I get enough already.”

“If that happens you can file a discrimination lawsuit,” Harvey points out. “I’ll represent you, pro-bono.”

“No,” Mike says.

“What are you going to do then?” Harvey asks. He doesn’t want to force Mike, but he also doesn’t get it. “How are you managing now. You said yourself you should use the cane more and weed isn’t really an option to cope anymore. Are you just going to swallow a bunch of Tylenol and keep your fingers crossed?”

“I’ve become immune to Tylenol,” Mike shrugs. “So, I’ll just deal like I’ve always done and I’ll be fine.”

“And if a day like this rolls around again?”

“I’ll call in sick,” Mike says. “I should have done that today, honestly. It was my plan after calling you, but I thought that counted. Next time, I’m calling Donna.”

“Oh, yeah, because Donna will let you get away with being miserable like this,” Harvey points out the flawed logic.

“Dammit, Harvey, why are you pushing me here?” Mike explodes.

“All I’m wondering is if all this can be lessened or even prevented, if you tell Jessica,” Harvey replies. “If you had a good chair, if you could get a moment to stretch, if you could use your cane, would the chances of having a day this bad be lower? I know you don’t want to tell anyone and you don’t have to. You know they’re legally not allowed to ask you. Throw title 1 of the ADA in their faces and try to give less fucks.”

“People don’t really tend to believe it’s this bad,” Mike points out softly.

“Jesus, Mike, you got shot. Multiple times. The bullets are still in you,” Harvey says. “It’s pretty hard to deny. Just tell me, if it would help.”

Mike is quiet for a moment, then he shrugs: “I guess, the strain would be less. It might help, but these things are unpredictable.”

“Alright,” Harvey nods. “Look, all I’m saying here is tell Jessica. You don’t have to do anything more with it, but think about it for a minute.”

It’s quiet, then Harvey’s phone starts ringing again, this time Jessica’s severe eyes stare judgmentally at them and Harvey says: “Make that a second.”

“Wait. What are you going to say?” Mike asks, stressed out.

“We’ll see,” Harvey replies cheerfully, before picking up. “Hello, Jessica. What can I do for you today?”

“Harvey.” How Jessica can say so much with just his name, he’ll never know.

“That is me, yes,” he says anyway, instead of being serious. As he stalls, he makes a few inquiring faces at Mike, who is still thinking, brows pinched.

“You know why I am calling you,” she tells him.

“Probably, but before I confess to something you don’t know yet, remind me?” Harvey answers.

“I have become aware that you and your little minion, Mike, aren’t in the office today,” Jessica informs him. “Now, this would be only mildly worrying, if you didn’t have Donna lying straight to my face. So, what the hell are you doing out there, Harvey?”

“Nothing, I swear,” he says, feeling a bit like a boy called to the principal’s office

“Harvey, this is not a time to play games with me,” Jessica tells him sternly. “I let a lot of the shit you do slide, but there are still rules that need to be followed and I can’t have you drag Mike out of work for your little escapades. People talk, Harvey, you know this. What am I supposed to say if the partners start asking why I’m letting you and your associate have days off without explanation?”

“Yes, Jessica, I know,” Harvey agrees, turning serious. She is not amused in any way and now is not the time to be cocky or cute with her.

“So, I’m asking you again,” she says. “Where the hell are you?”

And for this first time in a long time, Harvey flounders. While he has an opinion on what Mike should do, he’s not just telling Jessica when Mike said no. However, she needs some sort of explanation and if he lies to her now and she finds out, he is done for.

He opens and closes his mouth a few times, waving his hand around as if it will give him inspiration.

Mike has been sitting next to him, listening as he attemps to cover for Mike. He has heard everything, but has also taken the time to think about what has been said. So, when Harvey runs aground, he plucks the phone out of his hands and puts on his most chipper voice as he greets: “Hi, Jessica, how are you today?”

It isn’t often that he hears that tone, but surprised, Jessica answers: “Mike? Why are you here?”

“I thought you knew Harvey and I were in the same location,” Mike shoots back.

“Are you toying with me, kid?” And when Jessica says it, it doesn’t sound as fond as when Harvey does. “Why isn’t Harvey answering?”

“Because Harvey was about to lie for me, even though he didn’t want to,” Mike tells her honestly, hoping the switch in tone will throw her off enough to prevent her anger.

“What?”

Ah, success!

“He is in my apartment,” Mike confesses. “I didn’t want him to tell you, because I don’t like talking about it, but he is right in that as my employer you should probably know.”

Jessica sounds like she is preparing for the worst as she asks what the hell they’re doing and Mike suddenly realizes how that might sound. He smartly chooses to ignore it.

“I used to be in the Military,” he says quickly, trying to get it over with as fast as possible. “I did three tours in Afghanistan and was honorably discharged after I got shot in the back. Today the neglect I’ve put my body through caught up and put me out of commission. Harvey came to bring me my paperwork and ensure I was alright.”

The line is quiet. Mike has done the impossible and rendered Jessica speechless for a moment as he processes all he has just said.

“That is- Ahum- Thank you for your service,” she says and Harvey sees Mike wrinkle his nose in disgust at the thanks.

“No problem,” is what he awkwardly replies.

“You said the issues were caused by neglect, has this anything to do with work conditions?” she then goes on in a businesslike manner, immediately trying to barricade herself in legally in case of a later lawsuit about the accessibility of Pearson Hardman.

“I- uh,” Mike fumbles, not yet prepared for this part of the conversation.

Harvey sends him a questioning, concerned look and Mike smiles at him, before turning back to the phone.

“Overall the work conditions have not directly impaired me. At the moment, I’m in a dialogue with Harvey on how to improve my work area. The only thing I would currently note is the atmosphere in the cube farm.” As he talks he chooses his words carefully and Harvey listens in with pride at how far Mike has come lawyer-wise.

“How so?” Jessica asks him and Harvey can picture her sitting there perfectly.

“While I get the hazing culture, it has discouraged me from using my cane,” Mike explains. “It helps lessen the strain. However, I’m sure that right now it would get missing sometime during the day or it will be broken. Not to mention the verbal abuse.”

“I’ll see what I can do about that,” Jessica says. “When you’re able to come in, please head to my office so that we can discuss this further. Bring your discharge papers and doctor’s notes, since we do need to see some proof. And tell Harvey to report what you two agree on surrounding this.”

“Certainly,” Mike promises. “And thank you for your understanding.”

“Of course,” Jessica replies. “We at Pearson Hardman promote a diverse and accepting work environment.”

Mike bites his lip to keep himself from laughing at the obvious sales line and says his goodbyes before hanging up. Then he sags into himself, the anxiety suddenly leaving him.

“Are you okay?” Harvey asks.

“Yeah,” Mike smiles. “That was just really stressful and scary, but she was nicer about it then expected.”

“Jessica is a black woman at the top of a multi-million law firm,” Harvey points out. “She has been diversity points and knows how shitty it is to not be seen as human beyond that. She has been pushing more diversity and less discrimination ever since she became name partner, but not in that corporate way you so often see.”

“Well, it’s appreciated,” Mike says. “Now I just have to figure out how I’m going to face the entire firm and its ridicule.”

“That’s not going to happen,” Harvey assures him and the brow he gets back tells him all he needs to know about what Mike thinks of that. He amends his answer slightly to: “Well, it might, but now you have me, Donna and Jessica backing you. And Louis, because Louis wants to lick Jessica’s boots at every moment.”

Mike considers that for a moment. “Alright, yeah. But it might still happen, before they can get reprimanded, or whatever. And that will suck.”

There isn’t much Harvey can do about it and that does, indeed, sucks. So, he wracks his brain for a moment, then offers: “You can work in my office the first few days, until the word has spread.”

“Thanks, Harvey,” Mike smiles. “But I think I’m passing. Your couch is nice, but working on it is killing for my back. I’ll just have to deal, I suppose. But I am keeping you to that offer, should it be necessary.”

“Alright,” Harvey nods and they shake on it. Then he says: “We should probably have that dialogue about how to improve your work conditions now.”

“Come on, man, that’s not necessary,” Mike tries to play it off. “I just came up with that so that I could hang up on Jessica as fast as possible. It’s fine, I swear.”

“And I thought it was a good idea,” Harvey raises a challenging brow. “In fact, I have already suggested a few things like a better chair and stretch room. If you tell me what would help, then I can say to what extend that can be arranged and then we can leave the subject be.”

“I hate it when you go all lawyer on me, did I ever tell you that?” Mike complains and Harvey just grins victoriously.

“So?”

For a moment, Mike is stubbornly silent, then he gives in. “I mean, a better chair would be nice, I guess. One with better back support and wheels so I don’t have to get up for every little thing. And if I didn’t have to continuously run around to bring people my finished paperwork, but that can’t always be helped, so whatever. Like I said, I’m fine most of the time. Hell, most people don’t even notice.”

Harvey guiltily counts himself among those people as he thinks for a second. “A chair should be no problem. And if you call, me and Donna can collect my paperwork, which is most of your workload. Louis is the other half, so that will depend on him, but maybe we can ask that paralegal-” “Rachel,” “Yes, Rachel, if she can take your work if she has the time.”

“I don’t know about that, Harvey. She already hates that associates and partners treat her like a secretary,” Mike shakes his head. “I would feel bad asking her.”

“She is your friend, right?” Harvey asks and Mike nods. So, Harvey says: “Well, then she might make an exception for you. Otherwise you can ask one of the associates, because Louis and Norma aren’t going to. Though, you never know.”

“Keep it as a backup option should Louis be shit?” Mike suggest.

“Sure,” Harvey agrees. “Anything else?”

“Not that I can think of,” Mike says.

“Alright. Then I’m calling Donna, so she can get on that and because she has probably been dying to know what’s happening ever since Jessica left her desk.” And Mike snorts at that as Harvey starts to dial Donna.

He was right about her curiosity, because she pounces the moment she picks up. Dutifully Harvey relays everything to her, ending in her promising that Louis will be collecting his own paperwork one way or another.

The rest of the day passes by peacefully. Mike’s body decides to be kinder and Mike can use the cane to get to the bathroom on his own when he needs it again. Harvey does a few groceries, claiming he just wants to cook for a change, but also getting Mike a few basics.

They eat at the small table Mike has and talk about upcoming cases. When it’s time to leave, Mike stays seated and tells Harvey he would normally walk him to the door, but you know…

“Mike, you live in a broom closet, you can be anywhere and still have walked someone to the door,” Harvey informs him when he says that.

“Shut up.” Mike sticks his middle finger up at him, but he is smiling again, so Harvey counts it as a win anyway.

At the door he hesitates again, then asks: “You sure, you’re gonna be alright?”

“I’m not made of porcelain, Harvey,” Mike rolls his eyes. “I had a bad day, that’s it. Tomorrow I’ll probably take a cab to work instead of my bike. That’s the worst of it.”

“Okay, but if you can’t come in tomorrow, call me,” Harvey is mollified, but makes Mike promise anyway.

“I will,” Mike says. “Now shoo. I need my beauty sleep.”

“Alright, alright.” And with that Harvey finally leaves, wondering how his day ended up like this and reflecting how much he didn’t mind. How much he missed being needed for a change.

He gets a lot of people asking for his help, of course, but this protective caring feeling is something he only knows from Markus, who hasn’t asked him for anything except money in years. It’s kinda nice. Makes him realize how much his friendship with Mike means to him and how badly he wants to hold onto it.

Harvey promises himself to have Mike’s back no matter what. Vows to ensure the kid is alright. To deal with whoever gives him even the slightest grain of shit.

So, the next day he gets in early. As if she has read his mind, Donna is there as well. He greets her and asks after developments.

“Louis will have a kid named Harold collect Mike’s paperwork and the chair got delivered yesterday in the late afternoon,” she informs him.

“How did you manage that?” Harvey asks, impressed.

“I have my contacts,” she shrugs nonchalantly. “What about Mike? Hear anything from him yet?”

“No, nothing so far.”

“If he keeps his usually schedule, he should get in at any moment,” Donna says after checking her watch.

“Jessica told him to report to her immediately, but perhaps he’s dropping his bag off at his desk first,” Harvey tells her, watching the hallway intently.

At 8 AM exactly, Mike steps off the elevator. His suit is done up neater than Harvey has seen it before, as if it’s an armor. His satchel is thrown over his right shoulder and he is leaning on his cane. On his face he’s wearing a confident grin that Harvey can see is partially fake. In his other hand he has a coffee carrier with three coffees in it.

He casually makes his way to Donna’s desk and sets down the coffee carrier. He hands her order, before giving Harvey his as he says: “I thought you would be here already.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Harvey asks as he takes a sip. Exactly how he likes it.

Mike drinks his own and grins. “Nothing, just that you can never deny you care again and I will be using this knowledge against you.”

“Don’t you have a meeting with Jessica to get to?” Harvey says, not denying what Mike says, but also not acknowledging it. He has an image to maintain after all.

“Wow,” Mike snorts, taking a sip. Then he explains: “I’m drinking my coffee first. I usually do that while I walk, but my hands were full.”

“How are you feeling?” Donna asks and Harvey is gratefully she does. If he had done it, it would have sounded overbearing or like he wanted to coddle Mike after his explicit wish not to, but he is curious about the answer and Donna is close enough to it, yet uninvolved enough, to be able to ask him.

“I’m fine, Donna. Thank you,” he answers with a kind smile. “I had forgotten how much this thing helped until I used it again.”

“It makes you look very refined,” Donna tells him with a smile of her own. “And don’t worry about Louis, he was offering to be your assistant when I was done with him.”

Mike laughs at the mental image. “What would the world do without you, Donna?”

“Crash and burn probably,” Donna replies in that serious yet cheeky way only she can pull off successfully.

“Probably, yeah,” Mike agrees. Then downs the rest of his coffee, before saying: “Well, I’m off to Jessica then. Wish me luck.”

“You’re going to be fine,” Donna assures him.

“Yeah, that,” Harvey agrees.

Mike takes a deep breath, straightening his shoulders as he hypes himself up. For a moment, Harvey can see the soldier clearly as he imagines all the muscle bulk Mike must have lost to his injury and drug addiction that was caused by it.

Then Mike walks away, the tapping of the cane announcing his arrival. He looks like a proper lawyer on a mission and Harvey can’t be more proud of the man his kid is becoming.

~~

A/N:

I feel so guilty abt my chronic pain (which, granted, is less bad than Mike’s) and I feel so dramatic, so welcome to the ~projection hours~

Harvey: *shows up and helps Mike even though he didn’t have to and is known not to*

Also Harvey: What if Mike notices I care?

Mike: *is so confused by said care*

Harvey: Nvm, I must tell this idiot I care

While writing this fic, I realizes that you would never know that Louis is one of my fave characters in the show. He just always gets the short end of the stick in my writing for some reason?? (that is in character though, lmao, poor Louis)

And remember kids, hate the US Military, be compassionate for the veterans who are ground up and used by the machine of war. My other PSA is, someone’s medical history is no one’s business except their own :)

(@liar-or-lawyer bc you asked to be tagged)

[adamprrishcycle]

Here is Kavinsky’s POV of the 4th of July as promised! It’s a year old but I’ve been through and tidied it up a bit so I hope you like itttt (and sad things in general)

Tagging @ottobean and @allywrites360

[hannah-the-small]

~* HAZBIN VERSE *~

Name: { Gritt } Age: { 24 }

Headcanon singing voice: x

{History}: Gritt is the eldest twin, born in a comfortable suburban home in Greed. His mother and father were controlling, abusive and manipulative. They restricted things from his friends, to his diet and his appearance, even planning his whole life. His younger twin Patch was his best friend, and together when their parents couldn’t care less, he and Patch would sneak out and cause chaos or try and sneak into Loo loo Land. His role was to become part of the family marketing business, marry a young wealthy imp named Angela and have five kids. Their home was filled with shouting, infidelity, violence, and to Gritt and Patch? It was normal. During an unfortunate incident, Patch was disowned and thrown to the curb, leaving Gritt alone in his parents hold. The abuse ramped up, and at 14 he snapped. His backtalk cost him. Beaten, horns broken, and locked and bound in the basement Gritt made his plans. Gnawing through his bonds he managed to slip out through the basement window and fled. He left Greed and headed for Pride, spending most of his time homeless. at 16 he met Frank, a crocodile demon who introduced him to drink and drugs. Gritt was universally disliked, with good reason. Isolated, depressed, broke, Gritt was at the end of his rope. After hitting his big break however, he’s become one of the most sought after talents in Hell.

{Personality}: Laid back and occasionally irritable. Won’t want to be your friend straight off the bat, but give him enough time and he’ll let you in to his circle to an extent. Easily flustered with sexual or genuine compliments.

{Skills}: Writes his own music and lyrics for G-FORCE, good with animals and brilliant with mechanics.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

⛑ for kauri?

⛑ - Some tender first-aid got this for Chris, too, and I think we should have some Chris and Kauri time

-

CW: Kauri's Poor Life Choices, drug use, bandaging referenced domestic violence, Kauri's Total Lack of Self-Esteem, accidental whump

Takes place during Chris's time at Nat's safehouse, probably before the end of the second year

"There we go." Kauri soothes, holding Chris's wrist with gentle fingertips just barely touching freckled skin. He wraps the gauze carefully, letting it unroll from its spool even as he tightens it over the gauze pad pressed to the cut. "There, it's okay, Chris. You're okay."

"I just, I, I, I just wanted to, to, to help with dinner-" Chris's face is ruddy with tears, shiny with the tracks drying as he rubs viciously at them with the back of his other hand. Red hair falls over his eyes, growing out by now but not long enough that he'll consent to a haircut yet. He sways to one side, then stops himself, but his hand starts to move, then, rubbing over the seam of his jeans along the outside of his thigh, back and forth, back and forth, seeking the comfort of the rough texture and the thread.

"It's okay," Kauri repeats. "It's okay."

"It's, it's, I'm, I'm so stupid, I can't even c-cut up a bell p-p-p-pepper-"

"You're not stupid." Kauri's eyes are sparkling a little more than they should, his smile is slightly hazy, but Chris doesn't ask what he's on and Kauri doesn't volunteer the information. He had shown up on the front step like this, beautiful and a little scary. "You were just surprised, that's all."

Chris sniffs, hard, rocking forward and back when Kauri lets go of his arm, looking down at the bandage haphazardly applied. Then he looks up at Kauri, slightly sidelong, not quite looking at his eyes. "You, um. Are you okay?"

"Me?" Kauri tips his head to the side, smiling and sunny. Brilliant and sparkling, and he's so high he can barely stand on his own. Antoni is taking a shower, and other than Krista and Ant, Chris is alone in the house, everyone else is out. Krista will fuss and Antoni will press his lips together but no one will tell Kauri to stop. "Of course I am. Why do you ask?"

Chris hesitates, then reaches his uninjured hand up to graze his thumb over Kauri's cheekbone. "You, you, you have a black eye."

Kauri pulls away abruptly, pushing himself to his feet, turning as if to hide the smear of bruising Chris had already noticed. There are more bruises around one wrist. "You're not the only one who's stupid sometimes, Chris."

Chris swallows the pain - he knows Kauri doesn't mean it, not about Chris, even if he always means it when he says it about himself - and stays where he is, swaying side to side. "Did your boyfriend hurt you?"

Kauri laughs, bitter and brittle as glass. "I don't have a boyfriend. Just some guy. Some... just some guy."

"Did he, he, he, um, did he give you-"

Kauri's head whips back to him and Chris swallows the end of his question.

"It's not important," Kauri says, flat. He runs a hand back through the wild tangle of black curls. There's fingernail polish on his nails, black to match, and the leather bracelet that hides his number is buckled so tight it must be painful, too.

There's a speaker playing music off a playlist that Jake made for Chris of all the songs he's mentioned liking since he came here. The song switches, a softly strumming acoustic guitar creating a wistful, pulsing beat with an electric melody over the top before the drums kick in.

I walked through the door with you, the air was cold but something about it felt like home somehow-

Kauri pauses. "I know this song."

"Yeah. Jake, um. Jake says not to to to to tell you. That he has this album. I don't know, um, what it is, but-"

"I do." Kauri throws his head back in laughter that's so sharp and loud it makes Chris jump, his heart skipping a beat. Then Kauri turns and looks at Chris, holding out his hands. He leans over, grinning, but it's a rictus, not an expression. "Jake's sentimental, he just likes to pretend he isn't. Dance with me, Chris."

"... what?"

Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze-

"Dance! I want to dance. Come here." Kauri moves and takes his hand even though Chris hasn't moved yet, pulls him so close their bodies are pressed together and Chris shivers. Kauri's face is an inch away from his or less. His breath is warm against Chris's cheek.

"Kauri... we, we, we aren't supposed to-"

"I'm not going to kiss you, Chris, I just want to dance."

"... okay. I, I, I can do that."

He's scared of Kauri, a little, when he shows up like this. Too scared to say no.

"Good." Kauri slides arms around him. He moves Chris's arms up around his shoulders, and Chris feels the heat coming off of him like a furnace as they sway to the music. Kauri lays his head on Chris's shoulder even though Chris is shorter than he is or maybe they're the same height. His wrist aches, but Chris bites his lip against the pain. He can't pull away.

He isn't made to be able to pull away.

It'll be fine.

Kauri would never hurt him.

And I might be okay but I'm not fine at all-

Kauri's hair tickles his neck for a while, prickles and irritates where Chris's collar once was, but he never says anything. He lets Kauri lead their slight, soft movements to the beat, feels his own pulse beat not quite in time with the song.

At some point, he feels a shudder go through Kauri. The older man's shoulders are shaking. His breath hitches, soft as a whisper, but Chris knows that sound. He's made it himself, so many times. Chris pulls him even more tightly against him, telling himself to be brave. "Kauri-"

"Don't." Kauri's voice is tight.

And you call me up again just to break me like a promise, so casually cruel in the name of being honest-

"Kauri, please-"

"I said don't, Chris. I don't want to talk about it."

I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here cause I remember it all too well-

"Kauri, what, what, what's wrong-"

Kauri's hands press to Chris's shoulder blades, fingernails digging in. The kitchen light buzzes overhead, a sound Chris can hear but no one else can, apparently. Except Kauri, sometimes.

"I'm so stupid, that's what," Kauri whispers, lips moving against Chris's neck, his earlobe. "Not you, you're great, but I'm... I'm so fucking stupid, Chris. Why did I think I could go? Why did I try to start over?"

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it... I'd like to be my old self again but I'm still trying to find it-

"What?"

"They're all him," Kauri says, voice low. "In the end. Everyone just ends up being him all over again. I think they're going to be different, and then they're not, and why do I keep trying?"

'Cause there we are again when I loved you so-

Kauri pulls away, violently, sending Chris stumbling back until he backs into a chair and trips over the legs, crashing to the ground, landing on his injured wrist with a soft cry.

Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known-

Kauri's eyes widen and he leans forward to offer Chris his hand, only for the younger man to flinch away from him instinctively. Kauri freezes, blue eyes wide, no longer hazy.

The guilt in them is glittering, crystal-clear.

"Oh, shit. Chris, I'm sorry-... it was an accident, I didn't mean to-" He freezes, hearing his own words, and Chris watches Kauri's heart shatter as he hears himself saying what's been said to him already, a thousand times before, by people who have hurt him.

"What happened?" Krista is in the doorway, ponytail skimming her shoulders. "Oh, Chris, oh no-"

"Oh, god," Kauri whispers, and backs up. "Oh my god-"

Antoni is right behind Krista, the two of them moving to Chris, who is curling up around himself, looking down at the ground, shaking his head back and forth. He's not listening to them.

But he can hear Kauri's intake of breath, watching.

Antoni turns to look over his shoulder. "What happened, Kauri?"

"I-... I was just-... we were dancing and I-"

"What happened to your eye?" Antoni's eyebrows furrow. "Oh, Kasha, no."

Kauri's jaw works, his chin goes up, and he turns without a word and walks out the front door, slamming it behind him.

"Kasha, wait-..." Antoni takes in a deep breath "Take Chris back to Jake's room," Antoni says softly, meeting Krista's eyes over Chris's head. "I will go after Kauri."

"After Kauri," Krista echoes, but nods, and helps Chris stand. The music has changed, Chris hates the new song even though it's been his favorite. It's too happy, and there can't be happy music over a moment like this.

Antoni goes out the door, leaving Krista and Chris alone in the kitchen.

Chris hears him call Kauri's name, already faint, and knows that Kauri is running-

Antoni is running after him.

"Call Jake," Chris whispers. "We, we, we should call Jake."

"Call Jake. Um, I think he's... with his girlfriend, with Addie-..."

"I want Jake."

Krista swallows and nods. "I want Jake, too."

-

@burtlederp @finder-of-rings @endless-whump @astrobly @thefancydoughnut @newandfiguringitout @doveotions @pretty-face-breaker @gonna-feel-that-tomorrow @boxboysandotherwhump @oops-its-whump @cubeswhump @whump-tr0pes @downriver914 @whumptywhumpdump @whumpiary @orchidscript @nonsensical-whump @outofangband @eatyourdamnpears @hackles-up @grizzlie70 @mylifeisonthebookshelf @keeper-of-all-the-random-things @canniboylism

[cardinal-contest-king]

uh. i was not in trouble.

the bad news is that somehow, that guy is under the impression I'm supposed to be his kid. that. certainly explains a few things.

what do i do about this. am i supposed to just. play along? i mean. i'm kinda left in a fatherless void right now anyways.

but. i don't wanna trade one that beat me for one that tortures me.

I would also like to mention this is the same fucker who kidnapped me back at the hospital. the same creepy weirdo nurse who was uncomfortably friendly... and then drugged me.

WHAT the FUCK do I DO? Do I fucking GO WITH THAT?

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

i want to kill myself

im not going to, but mom says i should write my feelings out. says itll help me feel better

and. i mean. i know its worked before. i have this whole thing to prove it

see even just tryping that much helped a little. at least enough that ny urges are back in the harm territory and not in yhe kill territory. which isnt great. but. yknow. ill take what i can get? i guess?

i dont know anymore. it feels like theres this gaping hole in my chest, and everything i have and everything i am is just pouring and pouring and pouring out of it until there is nothing. i dont want to be nothing.

but maybe it would be easier than this

i hardly got out of bed today. i didnt get dressed, i only ate because my brother was so gracious as to bring me a bowl of canned chicken noodle soup. he put a little rosemary in it, "to make it fancy," he said. it wasnt perfection, but it was the best goddamn soup i had ever tasted in that moment. he used the last clean bowl for it. its his favourite too, a kirby themed ramen bowl with holes for chopsticks and everything.

chicken noodle isnt even my favourite soup. fi think its just. how loved i felt? when he carried that bowl into our cramped little room from our cramped little living room.

i was standing like. an hour ago? and he asked me to try to clean a bowl for him. (he does all the household chores, save for dishes. we both hate them, but i can barely do shit else, so one really shitty chore is better than a mountain of decent ones)

i took one look at our sink, so full of dirty shit you can hardly see the faucet, and i tyrned around and let myself fall limp, face first on my bed.

i put the blanket over my feet, so that if he came in he wouldnt have to see them (even the thought of feet disgusts him, i think)

he did come in, but i dont think he realized how hard it had been for me to even do that. i think all he saw was a whiny, ungrateful, pathetic mound of flesh under a blanket. someone so useless it couldnt even clean a single bowl for him without falling apart.

i heard him clean his own bowl. i have never felt so guilty for doing absolutely fucking nothing.

he already puts up with so much shit from me. im a drug addicted, mentally unstable, sorry excuse for a person.im trying, god im trying so fucking hard, but every day is harder than the last, it seems.

still. he deserves better than this.i dont know why he bothers.

... i keep finding myself scratching my cat scratches from earlier today. it stings. i feel like i deserve it.

i know thats not true. but honestly? scratching at my hand and wrist is better than actually doing something, right? its just a sting on fresh skin. no blood, no fresh wounds. just the pain thats already there. just poking at my bruises so i feel something other than this crushing despair

god. i cant believe i said that. i mean thats a totally normal thing to say in a crisis. ive just soiled my mind with references and medias and now i cant be normal about anything haha

anyway

uh

yeah.

...

i still hate myself. but. i guess this helped me stop crying as much? i dont know. i dont know anything anymore

thats not true

i know my wrist hurts. like a cat scratch, it stings on the back, mostly because thats what it was, at first. from where both my cats claws and my own found themselves digging into my skin, i can feel a bump when i glide my finger over it. and every time the pain gets too dull, too quiet, i let my nail return to its little groove and pull, just for a moment.

i know my heart hurts. like i have been carved open, my contents unceremoniously dumped on the floor. my blood spills out on the floor over my organs and my thoughts, and as i try to clean it up the lead in my veins says stop. and so i lay there, on the ground, next to the contents of the person i have become. it is all blackened by tar and resin.

i know that every breath i have taken today has felt like a chore. like slogging out of bed at 5:45 in the morning to get ready for school, knowing i wont learn shit because all my energy will be focused on holding myself together, or at least keeping myself from shattering altogether. ill just slog through another page of the textbook, wondering why i bothered when i couldve just stayed home.

i know i am loved. even if i dont feel it. even if i dont deserve it.

i know i never had a choice in any of this

...

i know that. for now. ill keep dragging myself out of bed. keep breathing. scratch my wrist so i dont cut it.

and maybe tomorrow ill apologize to everyone whos had to put up with me

{16/11/2023}

[trio-of-chaos]

✖ - a repressed memory

WARNING

THIS POST CONTAINS THE FOLLOWING

CHILD ABUSE. MEDICAL EQUIPMENT. MENTION OF BLOOD. DRUGS.

[start of memory]

Amy, 8 years old, sitting in a dark, empty room. Nothing there but a hospital bed and the little girl wearing a patient gown.

Audrey appears from the shadows. Gloves on her hands and a syringe with a yellow liquid inside it.

Amy stares at the woman. Tears already rolling down her eyes, but no words come out of her mouth.

Audrey approaches and with no hesitation, injects the substance on Amy's arm.

Amy's pupils start to dilate, she starts to bounce her leg and a big smile appears in her face. She laughs, then cries, then screams, begging for help.

Audrey stands there, staring at her daughter. She smiles.

It feels good when it starts, right?

Amy doesn't answer. She just keeps crying.

You can thank your father after I'm done with you. He got the best deal for such a tiny ammount.

MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!

Audrey slaps her daughter, throwing the poor kid to the ground.

Amy tries getting up, blood dripping from her nose.

That's better. Now, get back on the bed. I'm not done with you.

[end of memory]

[jsabspinkhorsepro123]

The Angel Of Death ("Thrasher" 's Story)

AN- Please know that this, though being a backstory, will be a bit of a spoiler for both the original Long Live Nock, and especially for the eventual new version. As Thrasher is a major character in both, and this will make a lot of this boy’s story parts less surprising. Also, reading the warnings will give spoilers as well (but trust me when I say, you WILL likely want to read them as this story gets very very dark) so please be aware of that.

Also, I had a lot of technical issues on this, including not being able to upload the font I made for this to Tumblr so instead just taking pics, a video in this for some reason I could not crop correctly-

I refuse to work on this anymore so it is what it is lol.

Other than Copper, this is my most anticipated backstory. He has undergone a hell of a lot of character development since his first introduction, so much that honestly he is pretty much not even the same character.

Be aware, I consider his backstory the darkest out of everyone’s, so this is not for the faint of heart. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A shape shouted in an olden language, that was long supposed to be forgotten to all but the ancient sage’s.

10 Pure’s in white robes stood around a table, the sound of screaming clear as they chanted. For hours they had been doing this, as a lady huffed and pushed.

As the cry of a baby filled their ears, their chanting stopped as they rejoiced, the green hair and skin like emeralds to them. The father stepped up, grinning as he held onto his wife’s hand. Small black dove wings were curled around the baby as they spread a vial of blood upon his head.

“Welcome to the world… our little angel of death.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   The young kid looked around his small room, sighing weakly. His name, Razor, son to the most loyal followers of the cult leader ; to [ , Cruci and Laplace.

 He had been training constantly for years for… what he didn’t know. His parents just wouldn’t tell him. He hadn’t been able to go to school, wasn’t allowed to see other shapes not in the cult, and was constantly being forced to his limits. When he peeked over the fence and saw the kids playing and laughing, he couldn’t help but feel envious.

He didn’t understand why he was so different…

At 7 years old he was brought to meet the leader of the cult… Lady Marlene.

She looked at him with a look he couldn’t decipher, being just a bit younger than his parents. The look, he didn’t like, he didn’t know why- “Ah, my loyal followers, how goes the training?” “Wonderful my queen, we thought it was finally time for Razor to meet you.”

The lady’s eyes traveled across him, making the young one shiver uncomfortably. “Perfect. I would like time to check on his training, his holiness, and deliver his first… rune.”

They both bowed to say of course, lightly pushing Razor forward. He didn’t understand what that all meant, and he was terrified to find out. Why, he didn’t know. He slowly took her hand, though not wanting to, her leading him into what seemed like a bedroom fit for royalty.

“You should feel honored my dear, not everybody gets the chance to be this close to me.” “… U-Um… o-ok?” He didn’t know what to say, but with her expression very lightly 'souring he was sure he didn’t say it right. “You don’t understand what your future entails do you? You stupid kid~”

Her grip tightened right before Razor attempted to step back, him whimpering lightly. “I-I’m sorry- please let g-” He let out a cry as her hand collided with his face, the grip keeping him from falling. “YOU are destined to be my King, that means you have to get used to me.” The words made him fearful. King? She also sounded, angry, and there was a tone he didn’t understand nor like.

“Now, we have a major thing to do.” She walked into the closet, grabbing a strange box. When she opened it, his heart started beating quickly, seeing multiple strange metal symbols. “I think your old enough to be known as mine~”

He didn’t know how long he was in that room, screaming as the metal sizzled around his skin, in pain, crying and horrified as she did things he didn’t understand.

When he woke up again, his left leg felt like it had been through a house fire. He cried, trying to call out for his parents.

…. No one answered. He was left alone, with a new fate written out for his eyes to see.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Less than 3 years later, on his birthday he slowly opened his eyes, hearing the pitter patter of footsteps coming up the stairs. Today would be the day, he was supposed to find a hero’s tattoo somewhere. He couldn’t help but be excited, which hero would he be? Water, Earth, Nature, Sky? He heard his door open, him quickly sitting up in bed.

“My dear, are you ready to see your fate?” Razor nodded, heading to the mirror.

 None on his face or neck, so he lifted up his shirt. Nothing, next he checked his legs.

… There was nothing. No tattoo… His parents didn’t take it well. They lost it, blaming him, saying he must’ve done something wrong. He cried out begs and sorries as he was beat into a bloody mess. When they finally left to tell the cult the news, his room was ruined, his body bloody , and his spirit broke.

He did something wrong… Like always. It always seemed to be his fault. He wished he knew what to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Breaking news.

The 1st known hero, Copper and his family has gone missing, along with his boyfriend Aero. If you have any information, please contact General Loga.

The headline of the newspaper was super surprising for Razor, especially since he hadn’t seen his parents in a couple of days. He tried again looking around for the two, shooting up hearing the door open. He walked over, his face paling seeing them covered in blood. “Razor. Grab a backpack and fill it with the essentials, now.”

Their tone scared him, but he did what he was told. He overheard them talking, making it clear to him they were the reason the Earth hero had gone missing. They had tried to kill him the usual way heroes were killed, ridding of all their reasons of living, and their hope.

… But he was still alive. Something was different. His heart beat quickened at the thought, but he had no time to think as they forced him out the door. They walked through the streets, his jacket keeping him hidden from the world. He cried as they suddenly threw him into an alley, his head smashing into the ground.

“Now, your real training begins.” Was what he heard as he slowly tried to get back up. When he looked up… they were both gone.

“…Mom…? Dad?” No answer made his heart pound, as he again called out for them, close to crying. He had never been outside on his own, or anywhere other than his backyard, training grounds and the cult place. It smelled horrible, was filled with creepy sounds, and felt cold-

With no one answering, he curled into the corner, sniffling his hands wrapped around himself.

Real training.. he was scared to find out what that meant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Razor had been walking throughout the forest for days, feeling more and more hungry and thirsty. A cigarette in hand to keep him calm, he smoked anxiously wondering what he was supposed to do. He had no idea why he was out here… but he sure knew he was getting weaker and weaker. His legs were feeling like they were made of lead,

Unsurprisingly, it wasn’t long before he collapsed, his vision weak. Before he passed out, he looked up, noticing someone staring down at him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Razor sure wasn’t expecting to wake up warm and comfortable, but it was a nice feeling. He slowly opened his eyes, growing confused. He was in a bed in a house he didn’t know… And he could smell food near him.

The house though, smelled strange. And was rather od and beat up.

“Hey kid, glad to see your awake.” He quickly looked over, seeing the older shape that he passed out to. He lightly backed up, before being calmed down by them. “It’s ok, not gonna hurt ya. My name’s Deviance… I’m sure your hungry.” He slowly ate, feeling himself relax, it being strangely really good.

“Where… am I?” “Let’s, call it an abandoned house for now-

… I was called to find you by your parents… You don’t deserve to have to go through this kid.”

Razor didn’t know what to say to that, tensing as the other wrapped their arms around him. It didn’t take long after he realized it was just a hug to bury into it, trying to register all that had happened.

After a few days of getting his strength back, he was shown around his, apparently new home. It seemed to be, well simply a crack house- But… despite that title strangely, the shapes inside seemed nice. They all said hi, them playing around while they worked… it was better than anywhere he had been.

Now he had his own bedroom again… but he was still sure it didn’t mean any big difference between what was waiting for him when the cult wanted him. He wasn’t ready for more pain and training… but he didn’t have much of a choice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Come him being 15, his body was almost fully covered in runes, he had became the leader of the crack house now that Deviance was old and “retired”. Well, kind of, the other still ran everything mainly-

Razor now though, had found about the horrors and wonders of addition, becoming an alcoholic, drug addict, and nicotine addict. He loved being able to feel numb, though he did things he never remembered or wanted to do while the poison rushed through his veins. Seeing Copper though, that was the biggest shock of the past year. Him, Klay and Swarm had been the ones to see him, apparently they beat him silly after he knocked one of his teeth out. Luckily their healer, Shaku was easily able to fix it, still hurt though-

He found himself walking through the forest late at night, per usual, smoking his 5th cigarette today. He was interrupted by his train of thought though… by a soft meow.

He looked around in shock, a cat? Even if it was a cat based shape, that sure as hell wasn’t common. He quickly began looking around, the meow sounded so young. The meowing luckily was easily able to find… and it lead him to the smallest and most beautiful white kitten.

“Heya sweetheart…” The pained meow hurt his heart, slowly leaning down as they limped over. Seemed to be a girl, no collar, so most likely no owner… He carefully picked them up, beginning to walk home. Once they were healed, he softly cleaned them, their purrs making him feel so happy. “I’m going to need to give you a name sweetheart…” They meowed happily curled up on his lap, him smiling as she purred.

“… I got it. Snowball?” “Meow!” He laughed as they nuzzled and licked his cheek, him petting her. “Snowball it is.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sound of chanting was clear as he covered his ears, shaking in pain and general exhaustion. He had finished his last rune… but that wasn’t why he was terrified. He knew what was happening outside of the cell he was in, the corruption. They were praying for the corrupteds to be dealt with. He was terrified of not knowing whether his family (Not the piece of shit mom and dad he had, he hadn’t seen them since they abandoned him) and little kitten were ok, not knowing what was happening outside the stone walls he was stuck in.

He heard footsteps approach him, each step making him terrified. He knew those footsteps. And he knew damn well what they brought with them.

“Ah my King~ Glad they have finally finished painting your body~” He tried desperately to back away, his heart beating quickly. Marlene’s hand grabbed his chin, fingernails digging into his skin as she ran her other hand across his cheek. He hated this.  He hated being so… helpless to her. So easily controlled…

As her hands travelled down, tears ran down his face, knowing there was nothing he could do to stop this.

He could feel his hope fading, it obvious to him that his fate would be everything he didn’t want for himself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next 8 years passed by in a blur, his addictions the only thing keeping him sane. He didn’t know what he did in those moments he didn’t remember, he didn’t know he was attacking Fresh, he hadn’t known he beat up Copper as a desperate trying to pass the blame he felt for himself. All he knew was the few moments he wasn’t drunk or on drugs, of misery and pain, exhaustion, and emptiness.

Now though… He was in front of a King. Nock, the king of corrupteds in the forest. His stare was deadly, his stance and energy filled with so much menace and hatred he felt it could rival the Corrupted Lords.

“HoW AbOUt WE hAVe A LiTTlE ChAT?~” ‘Does he think I’m dumb??’ He said, well what any smart shape would, no way while quickly walking away. But… they said something that immediately made him stop.

“i MaY HaVE a WAy TO hELp YOuR “PrOBlEM”.” He quickly looked over, the look on his face… He knew it was dumb.

But god was he desperate to change his fate. To have his own life. So, he slowly nodded, following the other. They sat down at a table, Nock offering a drink. He knew it probably was dumb to drink, but with his alcohol tolerance he doubted one drink of anything could get him drunk. So he acceoted.

… All it took was one sip.

And Nock had him wrapped around his finger, corrupting him to his will.

“aNGeL Of DEaTH, I HAvE ChANgED yOUr FAtE. NoW…

YoU WiLLbE KnOWn AS cRUsADeR.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AN- And it’s finished! This is the last backstory I had planned, next will be… the remake of Long Live Nock. I’m really glad to finally have been able to tell these stories, also there probably will be some extras for these two backstories posted later.

Hope you all enjoyed!

(Also I will be posting an extras post for the two stories-)

[artificialqueens]

Masters of the Scene, Chapter 15 (Bitney Parent Trap AU) - Veronica

A/N: Thank you as always to my amazing beta @tumble4rpdr for being an angel on earth. 

Click here for prequels and previous chapters, or here if you’d rather read on AO3. 

Chapter Summary: After coming home from Great Adventure with the kids, Bianca has a rough night.

***

When Bianca pushed open the door to her hotel room, she was relieved to see the softly glowing light from the bedside lamp, and Fame sitting on the bed, scrolling through social media. She wasn’t sure what she expected instead, but it was a good sign that she was there, lounging in a pair of yoga pants and a loose, comfy top. So she seemed to be settled in. Another good sign. 

“Hi,” Bianca breathed, careful not to come in too aggressive as she stepped inside and put her purse down. “How are you feeling?” 

“Much better, thanks.” Fame turned to her with a smile, and Bianca grinned back. 

Everything seemed alright. This was good. She took another breath. 

“Did the kids have fun?” Fame asked, and Bianca listened carefully for any note of sarcasm, but found none. 

“Yeah.” Bianca sat down gingerly on the bed. “Any day when they’re riding roller coasters is a good day for them. It used to be the only way I could get them to stop bickering. That’s how the tradition of coming here started.” 

Fame nodded, then asked, “Did they tell you who’s who yet?” 

“No. But I have a pretty good idea. I think.” Bianca inched closer, sliding her fingers up Fame’s arm, watching for the telltale shiver. “Are you hungry?” 

“No, I ate.” She gestured to some room service trays piled up next to the bed, letting Bianca pull her closer for a gentle kiss. “Had a very relaxing evening.” 

“I hope you charged it to the room.” 

“Of course,” Fame giggled, rolling over onto her back and pulling Bianca with her. 

She gazed up at Bianca, a soft expression in her eyes, and Bianca felt the knot in her stomach begin to unravel, finally. 

“I’m sorry that today was so…” she shook her head, unsure how to continue. 

“It’s okay. I guess I’m not really prepared for motherhood.” 

“You don’t have to be,” Bianca said, cupping her cheek with one hand. 

“I’m kidding.” 

“I know, but I’m not. I’m not marrying you because my kids need a third mom. I’m marrying you because I love you. And…” 

“And…?” 

“And you’re beautiful,” Bianca said, kissing her jaw, “and funny,” she went on, placing another kiss just below her ear, whispering, “and a fucking class act.” 

Fame laughed—a real laugh, warming up Bianca’s insides. 

“You think so?” she asked, fluttering her lashes. 

“Absolutely,” Bianca told her. She bent down, brushing a soft kiss against Fame’s lips, which deepened as Fame wound her hands around her neck. 

She felt Fame sigh against her mouth, and pulled her closer, mouth traveling lower to brush kisses down her jaw once again. This was what they’d been missing—after the engagement party, they’d both been too tense and wound up to even kiss. 

Bianca had been well aware that Courtney was in the guest room right on the other side of the wall—hyper-aware, to the point where she felt inexplicably guilty about doing anything that would make even the softest noise. And then last night, she’d been too exhausted to start anything, and it was possible that Fame was simply feeling neglected. 

The way she responded, though, told Bianca that this was what she’d been waiting for. She let out a whimper as Bianca licked her pulse point, sucking gently. Just as her body arched up, there was some insistent pounding on their door. 

The two sprang apart, panting, and Bianca rubbed her eyes. 

“Shit!” 

Fame groaned, letting out a frustrated sigh before telling her, “They’re your kids.” 

“I know, I know.” Bianca hauled herself up from the bed and opened the door, where Adore and Danny were bouncing on the balls of their feet, waving an iPad in the air. “Uh, can I help you?” 

“Mum says it’s not too late! She can FaceTime now!” Danny cried excitedly. 

Bianca had sent them off to their rooms 10 minutes ago, insisting that it was too late to try Courtney and they would see her tomorrow anyway. Of course they hadn’t listened. Both kids came barreling into the room and flung themselves onto the bed with Fame. 

“Okay, well, that’s great, but, can’t you do it from your own room? We’re trying to have some…alone time.”

“Ew. Why are you telling us that?” Adore asked, a horrified look on her face. 

Danny wore an equally disgusted expression as he turned to Fame, almost accusatory. For her own part, Fame seemed like she couldn’t decide whether to commit hara-kiri or strangle Bianca for her lack of discretion. 

Bianca pinched the bridge of her nose. “I just don’t understand why you need to call from here? This minute?”

“Because! You promised that we’d have family FaceTimes every week!” Adore insisted. 

“Yeah, you both did,” Danny said, nodding. “And we’d like some evidence of follow through.”

“Yeah. That. So you have to be on!” 

Bianca looked at Fame over the kids’ heads, shrugging helplessly. “I’m sorry. I did tell them that we’d FaceTime her, but I thought it would be earlier, and then—” 

“It’s fine,” Fame said, rising from the bed. “Do your…um, family thing. I was about to go get ready for bed anyway. Can’t forget to moisturize.” She finished with a slightly tense smile. 

“See? Perfect timing.” Danny said. He took the iPad from Adore, sitting down cross-legged and opening FaceTime. Adore, meanwhile, was already looking quite comfortable, leaning back against a mountain of pillows in the exact spot where Bianca had been planning to get laid less than a minute earlier. 

Bianca reached out and took hold of Fame’s wrist, catching her before she entered the bathroom. “Are you sure?” she asked softly. 

“I’m sure,” Fame murmured back, kissing her on the cheek, letting her lips linger, a mildly warning note in her voice as she added, “Just don’t take too terribly long.”

Bianca smiled and gave her a grateful nod, then released her. She took a breath and walked back to the bed, where the kids had already started calling, waiting for Courtney to pick up. 

“Mum! Hi!” Danny cried, waving at the screen. 

“Hello my darlings!”

“Look what we got for you!” Adore held up the Wonder Woman apron and a pair of Bugs Bunny socks. 

“Aww, my favorite superhero and my favorite nonbinary cartoon character?!” Courtney exclaimed. “Thank you, guys!” 

“We tried to get Marvin the Martian for Mama, but-” 

“Because she hates the planet and all people-” 

“But she was all grumpy about it.” 

“Shut up!” Bianca cut in, interrupting the kids’ overlapping chatter. 

Danny laughed and beckoned her forward, moving over to make space between himself and Adore. She crawled in between them and settled down, letting Danny place the iPad on a pillow in her lap. Courtney was curled up on one of her lounge chairs on the deck, a blanket over her shoulders, glass of wine in her hand. When she noticed Bianca, she gave a little wave. 

“Hi. How was your day, Courtney?” 

She figured this was what the kids really wanted—to see her and Courtney interact in a civil and friendly way. Otherwise, they’d have just called her from their own room like she’d suggested multiple times. 

“My day was lovely, thanks!” Courtney said, smiling brightly. “I went to the beach, finished three books-” 

“Three books!” Adore laughed, pointing at Bianca, “You could never.” 

“What do you mean?! I read!” Bianca said, crossing her arms. 

“You pretend to read,” Danny offered, patting her on the arm. 

Bianca opened her mouth to defend herself, but then saw that both of the kids were giggling, and Courtney too. (Although she, at least, had the courtesy to cover her mouth and try not to be so obvious about it, unlike her traitorous rat children.) Bianca shut her mouth again with a good natured eye roll. She’d let them have this one. 

Changing the subject, Bianca peered closer at the screen. “Hey, is that my wine?”

“Yeah…” Courtney raised her glass, adding, “Thank you?” 

Bianca scoffed, pretending to be annoyed. “I hope you’re planning to replace it!” 

“No, I wasn’t. I didn’t think you’d miss it; there were about a gazillion bottles in there,” she said with a shrug, taking another sip.  

Bianca made a face, imitating Courtney’s accent to the further delight of the kids. “Norrre, I wasn’t! You had a gazillion bottles, you alcoholic wanker!” 

“That wasn’t bad!” Danny giggled. He settled against Bianca’s shoulder.  

“Yeah, pretty good actually!” Courtney laughed. “Have you been practicing?” 

“Norrrrre…” Bianca smirked to herself as Adore burst out laughing once again. 

“Well…cheers, mate!” Courtney raised her glass, taking a large sip. 

“Listen, bitch-”

“Oooooh,” the kids started, and Courtney giggled. 

“Oh, fine, just all gang up on me! Whatever!” Bianca crossed her arms, pretending to be mad, hamming it up while the rest of them continued to laugh. There were few things Bianca loved more than making people she loved laugh—people she loved like her kids, of course. 

Fame appeared in the bathroom doorway, and Bianca gave her a little wave, mouthing ‘2 minutes.’ She nodded and disappeared back into the bathroom. 

“I hope you weren’t grumpy like that all day,” Courtney said pointedly, taking another sip of wine. That was when Bianca first noticed the subtlest slur in her voice, and a smile began to pull at her lips. 

“For your information, I was a delight!” Bianca retorted, nudging Adore with her elbow. “Tell her.” 

“Oh yeah. Little Miss Sunshine,” Adore said, nodding. 

Bianca put an arm around her, and Adore snuggled into her side. 

Courtney laughed, which turned into a hiccup, making her slap her hand over her mouth. 

“Wow. How many bottles of my wine have you had, there, ma’am?” Bianca teased. 

“This is the first!” Courtney held up the bottle, showing that it was still half full. “I only had two glasses, officer, I swear! I’m not drunk, just a little…a little loose.”

“Loose is Australian for ‘alcoholic,’” Bianca told Danny, who grinned up at her. 

“It is not!” Courtney laughed again, eyes sparkling, slapping the table beside the lounge chair. “This is slander! I will not stand for it!” 

“Whatever you say, wine thief,” Bianca teased, and Courtney shook her head. 

Fame cleared her throat, drying her hands on a towel, brow slightly furrowed. Shit. Bianca shifted uncomfortably, unsure how long she’d been standing there, when her attention was pulled by Adore stifling a yawn. She looked down, noticing how sleepy both kids seemed—Danny’s head felt heavy on her shoulder. Courtney seemed to notice at the same time she did. 

“You guys must have had a very long, very fun day, huh?” Courtney asked. 

“Mmhmm.”

“Yeah…and we gotta get up bright and early tomorrow, get on the road as soon as possible.” Bianca kissed the top of Danny’s head. “So we should probably say goodnight.” 

The kids both protested weakly, barely putting up a fight—a sign of how tired they actually were. 

“Just a few more minutes…” Adore said, even as she struggled to keep her eyes open. 

“Come on. You both need sleep and Mum probably wants to steal some more of my wine in peace,” Bianca said, giving Courtney a wink. 

“I do not-” 

“Say goodnight, Courtney,” Bianca instructed.  

“Goodnight Courtney,” she sang, giggling, backing down from another round of bickering. She must have been tired too. “I’ll see you tomorrow, alright my loves?” 

“Okay, Mum. ‘Night.” 

“Love you, Mum.” 

“I love you more!” Courtney called, blowing kisses at the camera.

“Love you the most!” 

“Love you times infinity!” 

“Yeah yeah yeah…love love love,” Bianca mocked, giving a good-natured eye roll, hanging up to the sound of Courtney’s delighted laughter, then ushering the kids off to bed. 

She followed them across the hall, just to make sure that they actually brushed their teeth and got under the covers this time. 

When she got back to her own room, Fame was leaning against the wall with a strange look on her face. Her stomach dropped a bit and she swallowed. 

“Is everything okay?” Bianca asked. It was a stupid question. She could tell that it wasn’t okay. She should have just kept her big fucking mouth shut. 

Fame didn’t say anything, just crossed her arms, narrowing her eyes slightly. 

“What? Tell me.” Bianca was honestly an idiot. 

“I just…wonder if you hear yourself. See yourself.” Fame’s voice was eerily calm, voice flat and clear. 

“What do you mean?” 

“When you talk to her.” 

“I…what are you trying to say?” Bianca asked, crossing her own arms. 

Fame let out a long, slow breath, as if she was doing everything in her power not to lunge forward and strangle Bianca with her bare hands. 

“I’m saying…I’m asking…if you still have feelings for your ex wife,” Fame said, enunciating each word as if she was speaking to someone with extremely limited mental faculties. 

“What? No,” Bianca said, quickly. Too quickly. 

Her heart began to pound, stomach twisting into a knot. This was a conversation she’d been absolutely dreading since the second Courtney walked into that fucking party in that fucking dress. Why hadn’t she just told her to get the fuck out, right away? Why had she entertained, even for a minute, the idea that she could have a normal relationship with her ex, like a normal person? She wasn’t normal, they weren’t normal, and they never would be. 

“Are you sure about that?” Fame asked, watching her closely.

“Yes! I mean no! I mean…” Bianca groaned, frustrated, unsure if she was going to throw up, burst into tears, or both. “Honestly, it doesn’t fucking matter, either way-” 

“What do you mean it doesn’t matter?” Fame cut in sharply. 

“Because, she doesn’t have feelings for me. So…what?! Why are you glaring at me like that?!” 

Fame shook her head slowly. “I think I should go,” she said, voice sadly resigned. 

“What? Why?” 

“Because!” Fame cried, finally showing some emotion as she threw up her hands. “I deserve better than to be some second-place prize! You can’t even give me the respect of lying convincingly!” 

Bianca closed her eyes, feeling the blood rush to her cheeks. This was a nightmare. The nightmare. She could feel her last shot at happiness slipping through her fingers. 

“You’re getting this all wrong. Or-or I’m saying it wrong. Things have been over with her for a very long time, okay? We were a fucking disaster together. So feelings, no feelings…it’s a non-issue-” 

“It’s a non-issue for you! Because you’re not the one who has to watch it.” Fame shook her head. “I…you should fucking look in the mirror sometime, when you talk to her. It’s like…I…I don’t know, but you don’t look at me like that.” 

“Isn’t that a good thing? That I don’t look at you the same way?” Bianca asked hopefully. 

“Bianca…” Fame had a note in her voice that said that playing innocent or dumb would not be tolerated in this conversation. 

Bianca swallowed, and it did nothing to soothe her dry, cracked thoat. “Look…until this summer, we literally hadn’t spoken since we split up, even on the phone. After that, it was like…almost a year just through the lawyers, which fucking expensive and took years to pay off, and then just emails, and then the occasional text if someone had chicken pox or a broken wrist and…” 

She heaved a sigh. 

“Maybe I haven’t found the right balance yet, of how to strike the right tone, you know? I can work on that. Please, just bear with me. Please-” Bianca’s voice broke. 

Fame seemed to be taking a moment to collect herself, staring at the ceiling. When she spoke again, it was in a low, measured voice. 

“Bianca. It’s not about your tone-” 

“Okay, then, then I’ll just go back to emails. It’s worked for this many years, so. Just tell me what you want!” She sounded crazy. Pathetic. She knew that. 

“You think I’m going to tell you not to speak to the mother of your children? What kind of monster do you think I am?” Fame asked, shaking her head in disbelief. She looked offended, actually, that Bianca would assume that of her. 

“Well, then what? What can I do? What am I doing wrong?” 

“Nothing! That’s the point, you’re not doing anything wrong-” 

“Then why are we fighting?” Bianca asked. 

“Because?! How can I marry a woman who’s still in love with her ex?!” 

Bianca opened her mouth, then closed it. Both of them let the words hang in the air for a few minutes. Fame was the one who spoke first. 

“Look, I’m sorry…It’s just…so obvious that you have things to resolve with her, and-”

“I’m not in love with her,” Bianca insisted weakly, looking away. “I’m just…I…I just…it’s complicated.” She sat down heavily on the bed. 

“Yeah. Right.” 

Bianca bit her lip, her eyes burning with tears. When she finally managed to look up at Fame, they’d begun slipping down her cheeks against her will. Her words came out more bitter and angry than she intended, like a sullen child. 

“So what you’re saying is, since she doesn’t love me anymore, then, I just…don’t deserve love? Forever? Is that it?” 

Fame’s brow furrowed, and she sat next to her, shaking her head. She placed a hand on Bianca’s shoulder. A gesture of comfort, like one might give to a niece or nephew. Which, given the way Bianca was behaving, seemed appropriate. 

“No. Of course not, that’s not what I’m saying.” 

“That’s what it sounds like.” 

“Of course you deserve love,” Fame said, and Bianca didn’t miss the slightly condescending eye roll she gave, although she seemed to do her best to suppress it. “I just…think maybe you have to…work a little harder to get over her before you propose again.” 

Bianca wiped her eyes. When she removed her hands, she realized that Fame had placed her ring on the comforter. 

“So then…you’re really done?” 

“Yeah,” she said. Her voice was soft, but her tone didn’t leave any room for debate. Her mind was made up.  

“Okay,” Bianca said hoarsely, nodding slightly. “I just thought…I mean this is our first real fight. How are you so sure?” 

“Look…I’ve thought about this a lot. And it’s not just you, not just her. I think…you know, the way I grew up, my parents never put us first. They loved other things way too much, like partying and drugs and-”

“Fame…” Bianca reached for her hand. 

 “I’m not looking for pity right now. I’m just trying to be honest.” Fame’s voice had completely lost its usual measured perfection, the carefully considered words and stage actor diction. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“I know. And look…maybe it’s selfish, I dunno, but think I need to be with someone who’s gonna make me their number one. And you…you’re never gonna be able to do that.” She gave a rueful, dry chuckle, saying, “You have way too many other number ones already.” 

Bianca looked down again, wiping more tears. “I do love you.” 

“I know that too,” Fame said, touching her cheek. “I never doubted that.” 

She let Bianca pull her closer for a soft kiss, then rested their foreheads together. 

“So…can’t we…figure this out?” Bianca whispered.  

“I don’t think so,” Fame said, rising from the bed. 

“But you can’t leave now,” she implored, giving it one final shot. 

“Why not?” 

“Because it’s late, and we’re in the middle of East Bumfuck New Jersey. Can’t you just stay the night, and we’ll talk in the morning?”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Fame told her, slinging her purse over her shoulder. “Besides, we’re only an hour from the city. I can figure it out. I’m a very resourceful woman.” She opened the closet. 

“But-” 

It was only then when Bianca noticed that her bags were fully packed, ready to go, from what had to be a world-record speed-packing job while she was tucking the kids in. Not only that, but her shoes were on, and had been the whole time. She must have made up her mind before this conversation even began. Bianca didn’t know whether that made her feel better or worse. 

She bit her lip, watching as Fame pulled all three pieces of matching Louis Vuitton luggage from the closet and then turned around. 

“Tell the kids…um, thanks for the boat ride,” Fame said, giving her a sad smile. 

Bianca nodded, finally defeated. “Sure.” 

“I hope…I hope things work out for you,” she said. “Because you do deserve love. So much.” 

“Thanks,” she said. “And you deserve to be number one.” 

“I know.” Fame smiled again, walking back to give her one last kiss, this time against her forehead, brushing away a few of the residual tears with her fingertips. “Goodbye, Bianca.”

“Bye, Fame.”

[aresnotthegod]

starter for: @drjuliasato

location: ocean crest apartments

"If it isn't my favorite doctor and neighbor. Getting back from a shift?" Ares asked, blowing out some smoke as he spoke. He wasn't really a guy for cigarettes. He'd smoked pot for the most part back in NYC, with the occasional cigarette laced in between. That hadn't changed much in Aurora Bay, but sometimes, especially after a long day, he found himself craving them.

Even though a doctor probably wouldn't approve. "We haven't chatted in a while. How are you doing, doc? Feel like doing some catching up over a burger and fries?"

[rainbowgothdisaster]

ive been angry recently and that anger is manifesting in bad ideas like: "unblock ur abuser and send her a message explaining the worst things she did"

which is a bad idea bcuz why would i do that theres no point

bcuz when she broke up with me she said that i had crossed her boundaries, which while true and is something ive worked on (part of it was my polyamorous ass not understanding certain things, part of it was weird but i guess valid, part of it was my manic episode) definitely doesnt compare to throwing and breaking shit while knowing my trauma and refusing to help ground me afterward or getting me high so i would be in the mood to fuck her or manipulating me to participate in kinks i thought were fucking disgusting (as in morally these kinks are gross) or openly shaming ppl for being apart of different religions (including me and my past attempts to practice witchcraft) or her forcing me to be more masculine bcuz she thought gender nonconformity was transphobic

[chaoticace2005]

Reasons the Mothman should die, collectively written by the residents of the Hazbin Hotel:

Coding for Characters: Vaggie, Charlie, Pentious, Alastor, Niffty, Husk, pretty much everyone

TW: References to abuse

He’s holding back Angel’s progress. (Vaggie, is killing really necessary?) (I am concerned about going after a Vee)

I’m hungry (ALASTOR!)

Ms. Angel gets nervous when on the phone with him.

His coat is tacky.

He’s a bug! And bugs must be DESTROYED!

So Angel stops feeling like he has to be so damn fake. This is getting on my fucking nerves.

HE LICKED CHARLIE!!! (Vaggie, wait it’s okay.)

Color scheme sucks. Purple AND red?!

He makes Angel sad, NOBODY should make Angel sad.

Those obnoxious glasses just make him look stupid.

He’s a manipulative, abusive prick.

ANGEL DIDN'T KNOW BOUNDARIES WERE A THING?!?!?!?!?!? (Honestly that explains a lot.)

NOBODY deserves to be in an abusive relationship.

Too many arms. Nobody needs that many. (...Angel has that many?) (Well maybe he shouldn't.)

Ms. Angel keeps coming home all messy!!

He’s ruining hearts for everyone. Me and Angel already have enough. At least those are on our bodies, what’s his excuse?

Hearts should not even be ASSOCIATED with Valentino, THIS IS NOT LOVE.

I can do without all the sexual depravity. While I am in Hell this is NOT one of the reasons.

If I have to hear that ringtone one more damn time-

The Eggies found some of his films. They should never be exposed to such horrors. Now I have to explain what “a sex” is.

Makes picture shows that are a disgrace to the idea of “entertainment.”

He’s making a bad name for Uncle Ozzie. This is NOT “lust.”

So we don’t have to listen to another one of Angel’s pornos. (Agreed, it’s quite horrifying!!)

So Ms. Angel isn’t tired when she gets home and can save the kinky stuff for then :) (Niff, really?)

So the kid stops coming home with bruises and cuts that I fix up at 3 am. (Husk, what the fuck?)

Because what the FUCK Valentino?

He keeps forcing Angel to do drugs. (HE WHAT?! Like crack??) (That but also I’m pretty sure whatever comes out of him is an aphrodisiac.)

I want to use his antenna as a backscratcher

Has that whole red color thing going on. Only I am allowed to wear red :) (Al, your text isn’t even red.) (My what?)

What is up with his red spit and smoke? Seriously disgusting.

The red stuff from him may be what allows Velvette to create her “Love Potions” which funds Vax’s stupid endeavors (Do you mean Vox?) (Who?)

FOR MY COLLECTION :D (…yeah okay.)

Really is making a bad name for Overlords. And not in the fun way.

Angel’s shown trauma signs of abuse in our meetings. Im pretty sure it’s Valentino.

Make a doll out of his fur so I have a main villain for roach puppet shows!!!

His only purpose is to keep Veks occupied but considering Vixen’s inane attempts to catch my attention it isn’t working.

So Angel can have his soul and he and Husk can run off into the sunset together like in a fanfiction!!! (Ah, yes that would be nice.) (WE WHAT?!) (Oh Husker, denial doesn’t suit you.)

So Angel can get a good boyfriend THAT’S NOT ME to stop these bullshit allegations.

So Angel can admit his feelings to Husker because our cat surely isn’t going to be the first to do it. (ALASTOR I SWEAR TO GOD!)

Who knows how many other people he’s abusing.

Seems to give Vicks confidence. He has enough of that as is. It much more fun to destroy him.

He makes Angel sad which makes Cherri sad!

HE HIT ANGEL!!!

Called my dear Rosie an "old hag" NOBODY CALLS ROSIE AN OLD HAG.

Angel is a good friend and deserves so much better.

I’ve forgotten what moths taste like.

He keeps trying to get Angel to move out :(

Told the kid he had to lose weight. What the actual FUCK. (Ill kill him.)

He’s annoying and looks quite stupid. How has this not been added yet?!

He’s making a bad name for Spanish speakers everywhere. (Yeah it’s embarrassing.) (Wait… what?)

He’s making a bad name for pansexuals everywhere.

He’s making a bad name for wing-holders everywhere. (HE HAS FUCKING WINGS?!) (Oh, yeah, I didn’t tell you?)

Too tall. This is ridiculous.

Won’t admit he’s blind so he’s become even more of a public safety hazard.

If I get one more transmission of him and Box commiting lascivious acts someone will be eaten. I don’t care who. What the purpose of these are I don’t know. Advertisement? (I think it’s to make you jealous boss.) (Ha! Jealous of what? Mediocre sex with a pathetic excuse for a businessman with a TV as a head?)

Because Angel deserves fucking better.

[pupcuck]

ROTTEN LUCK !

ft. leon s. kennedy x fem!reader

tags. smut, kidnapping, leon is like mentally gone icl, references to past assault and trauma, non-con, manipulation, suicidal thoughts/reference to an attempt, general leon self destructive behaviour, physical abuse, power dynamics, throatfucking, choking, breath play, somno, 1 instance of drugging, unmentioned age gap, anal, he puts duct tape on your pussy ok just once promise it’s not bad, religious references, 1 mention of vomit and piss not in a sexual way, slight misogyny, panic attack

tumblr has started to remove fics that use tw non-con, tw incest and any nsfw tags in general. for this reason, as i’d like my fic to appear in the tags so i can have the same reach as other authors, please understand that this fic contains dark content under the cut. reading this comes at your own risk.

anyway, please ignore typos :3 rbs and feedback is very appreciated :3 my medical knowledge sucks, so keep in mind that all of this is off LMFAO crossposted to ao3 (user clitkiss)

two

Lucky. Leon hates that word. He wasn’t lucky to get out of Raccoon City, he was just barely capable, you have to be unlucky to get into that situation in the first place. You’re a lucky guy, Redfield had told him once, Chris not Claire. Claire isn’t daft. And Leon wonders what is so lucky about him. He’s forty-six and all he’s got is his trusty Matilda, his mother’s old Bible, and a failing liver. His luck is preordained by God and it’s a total sham.

Leon Kennedy’s the one who showed up to drill sessions smelling like sweat and cock. Kennedy’s the one that rolls over onto his front and takes it like a good doggy. Kennedy’s green behind the ears, pretty in the face, and that don’t fare well in a boot camp full of men twice his size. Kennedy’s the one brushing shoulders with the President, got the USA’s most prized dick in his mouth and everyone knows that he wouldn’t dare bite down. Golden boy Leon fucking Scott Kennedy would just go ahead and use his tongue to clean up Graham’s ballsack. And you’re calling that lucky? Bullshit.

The DSO’s modus operandi is strikingly similar to that of the BSAA. He is but a cog in a well oiled machine. There’s one difference, not a dog tag to his name. If he dies, then he’ll die nameless, and he’ll be cremated by something nuclear, and it’ll all be for nothing. Ain’t that just the luckiest thing you’ve ever heard?

He has tried to kill himself once or twice or thrice. He lost count after the fifth. The gun jammed once, a bad joke. Left Matilda rendered useless. Was meant to be him, not her. And if Leon’s being honest, every day is an avid attempt, as in the drinking and praying his liver gives out. Once he managed to get halfway there. Doesn’t remember a lot. Just blood. Lots of blood. Why couldn’t you be quiet about your grief, Leon? Claire’s expression had asked, how I am, how Chris is, how Jill is.

‘Cause he couldn’t. He had to go ahead and splatter his grief all over the linoleum floor. Maybe then someone would find him, and they’d mourn him, and they’d feel sorry for him ‘cause he’d pitied himself enough. Leon told her a joke, yapping away like one of those butterscotch lapdogs. Claire said that in South Korea you’re allowed to snip a dog's vocal cords to stop them from barking. Lucky I’m not in South Korea then. She handed him an orange prescription bottle with his name scrawled on it, and that was that. They didn’t speak for a few months.

Once upon a time Sherry needed him, now he needs her more. Needs her to laugh at his jokes, she’s the only one that does. And he needs her to tell him, I love you, Leon. She’s the only one that says that. No one puts up with him like Sherry does. She puts up with him in the way most women do their fathers. Love their dads unconditionally and nothing can ever fix that. Terrible illness that is. So, yeah, Leon Scott Kennedy is far from lucky. Lonely? Oh, for sure. God. He’s so lonely he feels sorry for himself. That’s one thing Leon has always been good at though. Lending himself a shoulder ‘cause no one else will.

His fingers brush yours in the record store. The hairs on the back of his neck stand. Jesus. Is it getting that bad? Leon’s been without a fuck for a few months and he’s already itching. That’s a new low. When Leon looks up to catch sight of who made his dick swell with their fingertips, he catches your eye briefly. A mousy little thing. Easily spooked it seems by the nervous smile you give him.

You’re on the phone, I don’t know what he likes anymore, dad, yeah—I’m trying to find it—Yes, I know who sang Sex and Candy, dad, Kurt Cobain right? Is that the one he likes? Dumbass. No, I’m not wrong, could you put mom on the phone—Hi mom, yes, I know he’s my brother, mom—Ever since he turned fifteen he stopped talking to me properly—I don’t know what she thinks, mom—

A mommy, daddy, a brother, a sister too he assumes. You’re what they call lucky. Nasty undertone you’re using with your parents. If Leon’s mom was still around he’d talk to her so sweet. She’d tell him to pray and Leon wouldn’t resist. Alright, Ma, Ave Maria, gratia plena, Dominus Tecum— then his voice would trail off, and he’d pretend to mouth the rest of the hymn ‘cause he remembers fuck all.

He wants to knock you around. Shake you till your brains scramble. Wants you to flinch even when he’s being nice. Leon’s nostrils flare when you raise your voice in the slightest, even if it’s playful, it’s plain rude. How dare you? He can’t even begin to fathom how incredibly lucky you are. The thought crosses Leon’s mind once, twice, thrice. Just how suicide did that day back in September. If you can kidnap the President’s daughter from her bustling college campus, throw her over your shoulder like salt, why can’t you kidnap Miss Nobody from a street corner in D.C?

Your figure is distinguished by a single, flickering street lamp. He sees your shadow. Recognises the silhouette by the shapely legs and how your belted coat flares out to create a dramatic hourglass, Leon’s got a good eye for detail. Oh, it’s kinda sexy watching you in the spotlight, like a makeshift cabaret show, go on babe, bust out the flapper dress, he knows his stuff, he read Gatsby back in high school. He listens out for the tap of your heeled boots, click-clack, click-clack, there you are, you don’t even know what’s about to happen, do you? And it really is that easy. Just like throwin’ salt over your shoulder.

Temazepam, loprazolam, lormetazepam, diazepam, nitrazepam. Some melatonin too. Magnesium’s supposed to help with insomnia. How’s he supposed to know what your body reacts to best? Leon’s not your fuckin’ GP. Chloroform does the trick for everyone. Should’ve invited you out for drinks and roofied you instead.

Leon had gone for an old-fashioned method, listen, he was desperate. He doesn’t usually resort to such bruteish tactics unlike the older Redfield, not that Chris would use a morsel of his strength to harm a lady, but it had to be done. Yes, he choked you out. No, he’s not proud of it. He’s actually pretty disappointed in his lack of preparation. Oh, cut yourself some slack, Kennedy, it’s your first time kidnapping someone, and it was a heat of the moment type thing. To Leon’s dismay, that doesn’t last long, duh, he should know better.

While you regain sluggish consciousness on his couch, Leon’s tearing through his kitchen cabinets for anything to settle you down. Ah. That’s right. Ketamine. Ain’t it horse tranquilliser? What’s that doing here? Honestly, he’s got to stop raiding the infirmary for all they’ve got. A high enough dosage will knock you out for sure. If it kills you, then so be it. Beer for guys, wine for the ladies, and Ketamine for random sluts he picks up on street corners.

You’re blinking to clear your hazy vision, feeling around your crushed windpipe to assess the damage, he leans over you like a nurse from hell. The needle breaks your skin easily, so tender, before you have the chance to kick up a fuss, your eyelids turn to lead and close like a toy babydoll’s do when you lean them back.

Fifteen to twenty minutes, google says. Leon gets down to business, strips you of your clothing, takes you to his room, throws you on the king-sized bed that’s warmed only by him. He kept your panties on. They’re light blue and sensible briefs. A buzzer rings out in his head, bzzzt, boring. A million bitches in D.C. and he picked out the most vanilla one. Just his Kennedy luck ain’t it.

One minute. Leon presses his nose to the fabric of your panties, sniffs like a pig does in its trough, isn’t that just the sweetest smell? Fresh cunt. He licks up the print of your pussy, tongue landing on the hardness of your clit.

Five minutes. With your panties soaked with Leon’s spit, he decides to move ‘em to the side, and he groans in delight when he parts your cushioned lips to find that you’re stickier than toffee pudding, drooly cunt reactive to the pads of his fingers, to the tip of his tongue. He pushes back the hood of your bud, gives it a kiss, then another.

Ten minutes. He’s opened you up, gaped you around three thick fingers, Jesus, you’re so tight. It’s like your cunt’s vacuum sealed. Leon’s fingers prod at the squishy opening of your cervix, his thumb circles your clit, presses down like a button and he’s rewarded with another gush of slick. Beer on tap.

You rouse from your forced slumber at fourteen minutes. Huh. He’ll have to up the dosage next time. “Hi there, sleepin’ beauty.” Leon says in a rather cloying voice, amping up the sweetness when in reality he is less than fond of you. The lucky girl. He strokes your head soothingly, hovers over you to keep you in place. The panic sets in almost immediately, flailing limbs, asinine attempts at sentences that crawl up your throat and spill over. Who are you, get off me, get off me, please. What did I do? I’m sorry, please, let me go, let me go, please, I’ll do anything. Albeit your words are slurred, Leon chooses not to hear you.

“Aintcha just the sweetest thing?” He cups your cheeks, gaze so gentle it’s disarming. “I opened you up, didn’t wanna break ya, just wanted you to wake up before we got it on, I’m a real gentleman, you see.” Before he rapes you, he makes sure to ask: you got a rubber by any chance, sweetheart? Oh, and you don’t like that, you really don’t. ‘Cause your face falls fast like a drop tower ride.

The chance to scream is lost on you when he shoves his fingers in your mouth, pushes them down your burning throat till you choke and drool in an unflattering manner. Your jaw is too lax to clamp down on him. Leon takes this opportunity to smear his leaky, fat tip over your folds, pushes past the barriers of resistance and slides into your pre-gaped cunt. Lucky bitch. Lucky fucking bitch. Getting yourself a piece of Leon S. Kennedy’s dick. He reserves that for only the finest ladies, aka any girl that has a nice set of tits and dark hair, greying roots are a new preference.

He’s fully sheathed inside of you, head rubbing painfully against your cervix. Bruising it from the look of discomfort on your face as you make stupid-sounding noises around his fingers. “Fuck, yeah, that hits the spot.” When’s the last time Leon had his way with a girl, wanton fucking, pulling hair, slapping— they all want it soft and sappy these days. And so did he up until a certain point. Up until he tried to kill himself maybe. Something must’ve flipped in his brain, now he’s overcome with the need to mess your pretty face up.

Leon’s forehead presses to your clammy one, your sweat is salty on his tongue when he kisses your cheek. Slightly sour scent, ugh, what’s he saying? Acting like he’s a fear-smelling B.O.W or some shit. Fuck off, Kennedy. His hips aim upwards when your body shifts due to the thrashing you’re doing, with each thrust he bottoms out with a wet squelch, rolls his hips into you at a force that knocks any chance of breath out of you.

“If you were a good girl,” Leon smiles, all teeth. They glint in the muddy darkness of his room, black-out curtains drawn so not even the moon gets to see what he’s doing to you, “then I’d be fuckin’ you real slow, real nice, rub that little clit till you came.” Your wrists are both cuffed within his grip, pinned over your head as he drives into you, as if his intention is to tear straight through you.

The heat in his gut uncoils, but he’s timed himself well enough, pulls out ‘cause god forbid he knocked you up. Knowing Leon’s luck he’d manage it. Then he puts his cock in your mouth, “I got some pliers out back.” He says in warning as he jerks the shaft and your lips hesitantly close around the tip when he gives you a mean look. Total lie by the way, no matter how abnormal Leon is he does not own a pair of tooth-pulling pliers. Shoots his load down your throat, you splutter and push at his abdomen to get him off.

He pulls out in his own time, lays beside you. All of his chakras are aligned. Apparently there’s seven, but Leon’s only got two. And they’re entirely dependent on whether he’s sucked and fucked till he’s thoroughly satisfied. By god he is. Benedicta tu in mulieribus, Et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Iesus. That’s the rest of it right. He remembers now. You might just be his saving grace, Lucky Girl. His very own Sancta Maria, Mater dei. Damn, you hear that, ma? Leon’s got it down to a T. Maybe some more pussy will get him singing out the rest of the prayer. He can get rid of that statuette on the mantle, swap it out with you.

He doesn't get a word out by the time you’re vomiting a vile mixture of acidic yellow and his seed down the front of your chest. Retching as you choke on the gift he’d given you.

Leon takes you to the bathroom, forces you into the shower cubicle as he sprays you down, not even waiting for the water to go warm. “Dry yourself off,” he gestures mildly to where there’s a few towels stored.

You don’t come back out of the bathroom for five minutes, then ten, then twenty. Don’t even answer when he knocks. Goddammit, Leon. Leave your kidnap victim alone in the room with all the razors, why don’t you? Fucking idiot. When he opens the door, you’re huddled in the corner by the toilet, dry heaving into the bowl and sitting in a puddle of your own piss. Stupid fucking baby. Is this what kids are like these days? When he was your age he made it out of Raccoon City alive, and no one made it out of there. No one lived to tell that story. And you’re here pissing your pants ‘cause he’s given you a nice, hard fucking? He pimp slaps you so hard your teeth clatter.

It takes two weeks for his Lucky Girl to be broken in. Not as long as he expected, so he’s pleased. And when Leon’s pleased, he’s nice. So today you get some screen time. You’re curled into his side, the way a baby bird does under its mother’s wing, squinting at his sixty-five inch TV, egregious really, who needs a screen that big? He’s flipping periodically through the channels whenever an ad break comes on. The 7.45PM news is on. He settles on that and you watch mindlessly, no objections.

The speech blurs like white noise to him, Leon’s not focused until your picture pops up on screen, and he just turns to you with this shit-eating grin. Graduation cap and robe on, all dolled up as you make eyes at him through the screen.

“Baby,” he grins wolfishly, ruffles your hair in a teasing manner, “you look so damn cute there!” Leon watches bright-eyed, suddenly enthralled, they list your name, your height, your weight, all stuff he actually didn’t know ‘bout you. Never bothered to ask. You don’t need a name, you’re just his Lucky Girl. “Don’t like the red lip on you,” he comments flippantly, “A red lip is for whores, don’t you think, baby?”

He was right. You got a daddy, a mommy, a brother and a sister. You’ve got it all. Lucky fucking Girl. A broken sob is torn from your throat, jagged and scratchy as you fling yourself halfway across the room, on your knees as you put your grubby fingers all over his shiny screen. Leon lets you. He finds it hilarious actually. Who’d you think you are? Carol Anne from Poltergeist? Like you’re gonna get sucked into the screen, crawling out the other end like Sadako, back into your daddy’s arms.

Our daughter—My girl, she had her whole life ahead of her—My sister wouldn’t do this—She was so excited to move on after graduation—She’s not the type to run away—My daughter—My sister—Our sister—

Your mother is a mess, barely able to get words out with the way she’s blubbering. “She’s layin’ it on a bit thick, don’t you think, babe?” Leon picks up his beer from the side table, slightly heated under the burn of the lamp. “You look like your daddy, cry pretty like your mama though.”

You stare at him horrified. Jaw hanging open as if it’s unhinged, not in the way a snake does when ready to swallow its prey whole. More in the way of a screaming corpse. When the rigor mortis has worn off, secondary flaccidity sets in, and the mandible drops open. Jeez, tough crowd tonight it seems. Don’t make him sew your mouth up, Lucky Girl. Leon wouldn’t dare, that mouth, that throat is precious to him.

CCTV footage plays on the screen, another sob racks your brittle frame, you didn’t know it was him that day, Leon realises. “Oh, baby, that’s where we met, ain’t that funny?” A blurry image of you on the phone, prattling away to your family like the Lucky Girl you are, he’s just out of shot.

We miss her—Please, if you know anything, if you find anything—Please—

“God, let me get my phone, darling, they look so upset I can’t stand it. I might have to call them up and turn myself in. Give ‘em an early Christmas gift, don’t you think?” If Leon went missing, who would look for him? Hunnigan with all her sharp edges, or Claire with her unwilling loyalty to him? Lucky Bitch. It’s making his temper flare, that’s enough TV time for today.

The screen fades out, goes black when he switches it off. “No, no, no,” you chant, “no, no, no, no, please, please—“

“I’m disappointed in you, baby.” Leon says honestly, sips his beer and laughs mirthlessly. “I thought you’d started to like me.”

You’re not listening, too busy fitting on the rug, grasping at the screen as if you can pluck your family out of it and reunite with them on his living room floor. Leon did think you were getting used to him though. Family’s family, blood is thicker than water. Cum is also thicker than water. And that’s what he’s pumped down your throat nightly in hopes of it clogging up your brain, so you think of nothing but him. Those dogs in South Korea, the ones Claire told him about, he’s got his own special method to take care of your vocal cords. No snipping, no surgery needed. Just the throat training method.

“C’mere, lucky girl.” He clicks his tongue as if he’s calling out for a dog. You lay unmoving, rocking back and forth, whispering to yourself like a crazy person. Bit creepy. Leon stands, he grabs you by the hair and drags you to sit at his feet near the couch. Simple and effective. Backhands you for good luck. He needs it. “Stop your cryin’ I’m getting sick of it.” Leon says, brows wrinkled as he lowers his sweats, brings your head down to rest on his thigh. Your tear-stained cheeks turn him on, the doleful eyes, runny nose. It’s hot. His sad little girl.

“Suck it.” Leon taps the tip against your pouty lips, swollen from his earlier kisses, coats them in his pearly pre, “I won’t ask twice, sweetheart.” You open your mouth, take him like clockwork. He don’t like that attitude. So he pushes your head down on his cock, watches your throat bob, uncomfortably full. Leon pinches your nose, listens to how you panic so nice around a mouthful of dick, gagging in a way you never have before. Not a gag that indicates inexperience, but one that is full of sheer terror, nails leaving red marks on his thighs as you drag them down his skin. Ouch. He’s gotta trim those down.

“You get it now, babe?” Leon hums, he lets you off this time, “Do what I say and it’ll be fine, yeah?”

“Yes, yes, yes, Leon,” you nod furiously through gulps of air, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry.” Fuck. Another one of your panic attacks. He’s not got the patience to deal with this. “I won’t—“ A wheeze, “ I won’t do it—“ A croak, “I won’t do it again.” You’ve learned to handle yourself. Rub your chest with your right hand, stare at the ceiling till you calm down. Leon’s dick is still rock hard. Ready to crack open a walnut.

“Good girl,” he nods, “then get on with it.”

There is nothing you’ve done in particular to set Leon off. He’s just had a bad day. Hunnigan’s senses are much too acute, she thought something was off with him. That put him on edge. So he’s like a ticking time bomb. Just waiting for you to make one wrong move. And you do. You say no to him, pleadingly so, shaking your head as you look at him with your fairytale fawn eyes. Meekly admit that you’re sore and achy and it hurts.

“That’s not your decision to make, sweetheart.” Leon informs you, he grabs a roll of duct tape from the kitchen, nicks at the edge with his teeth and tears a strip off. You bristle, completely still, a thousand thoughts running through that pea-sized brain of yours. “But I’ll be nice today, been waitin’ to fuck your ass anyway.” He puts the strip on your cunt, over your chubby lips to hold them together, it feels strange and icky. The last thing Leon wants to see is blood. He sees enough of that daily. So he’s generous when it comes to prep, busts out the cherry-flavoured lube today, squirts a decent amount on his fingers, cock, and your tighter hole.

You squirm, he watches the unreadable expression on your face carefully, the rise and fall of your chest. You’re nervous, but you’re wet, and that makes his chest swell in pride. Lucky Girl finally gets it. One finger slips past the ring of tight muscle, Ora pro nobis peccatoribus, nunc, there’s one last line he’s missing. It’ll come to him. Two fingers in, he scissors you open, spits on it just ‘cause it turns him on to see it run down your crack.

That’s enough, Leon thinks when he fits the third. He wants to make it hurt a little. Wants to feel like a big, strong man. He sits back on his knees, flips you over onto your front, he likes you this way. Just takes you in, how your tits hang low, brushing against the mattress when Leon presses a hand down on your back to keep you from arching. He takes his dick in hand and in he goes, easier than he thought. He wonders if you can cum just like this, with his dick pounding your ass.

He fucks like an animal, you gasp and yelp below him, unable to handle it as his hips smack against yours. The duct tape is starting to peel ‘cause your pussy is fucking soaked. That alone makes his balls tighten as he turns you back over to do damage control, and ‘cause he wants to see your face while he fucks. You look like you’re lovin’ it. Alright. So you’re an anal slut. Got it. He pushes back into your ass, groans when you clench around him, the duct tape peeling at the corners, he can’t handle it. Et in hora mortis nostrae. Leon’s mind blanks when he cums, fills your ass and his limp cock slips out. Shit. A-fucking-men. That’s right, he remembers. That’s how you end a prayer.

You don’t cum. He tears the duct tape off clean. You let out a loud ‘Ow, Leon!’ and frown at him. Beads of arousal stick to the piece of tape, your pussy is pulsing, walls fluttering around nothing. Leon kisses your swollen clit, rubs it steadily till you cream on his tongue, sweeter than molasses his Lucky Girl is.

“Leon?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“I love you.” You tell him shyly, gaze at him with this dumb fucking smile on your dollface that makes his heart squeeze. God, he’s gotta keep you around, his lucky charm.

[peachdues]

Phantasmagoria (Part III)

Tell Me to Stop (Sanemi’s Version)

Sanemi x F!Reader • Modern AU • NSFW

A/N: read the fucking warnings before you report.

Massive TW: grief • loss of a parent • canon character death • drug and alcohol abuse • panic • references to previous attempted S/A • violence between characters • more descriptions of Douma getting his ass kicked (still deserved) • situation requiring a hospital

CW: 25k words. MDNI. explicit sexual content ahead • multiple creampies • oral (f! and m!receiving) • face sitting • swearing • angst with a good ending • non-sexual intimacy

Oh boy. It’s done.

This one is super personal to me, so I really hope you guys enjoy. Thank you for showing this story your love, I adore you all.

Without further ado!

Sanemi’s Playlist

PART ONE • PART TWO

(Sanemi’s POV)

The Party on 52nd Street

Sanemi couldn’t bring himself to say that he regretted how he’d ended up in handcuffs. Sure, his knuckles were bruised to shit and covered in blood that was and was not his, but at least his face was still a hell of a lot prettier than the sniveling, cowardly asshole curled onto his side on the gravel outside his house.

Granted, the severe swelling of Douma’s face was because of Sanemi, but truthfully, he thought it was an improvement. By the time Sanemi had been yanked off of the barely conscious, campus-resident creep, those freakish, multi-colored eyes had been so blackened and swollen, it was a wonder that Douma had even been able to see the cops swarming his living room at all. 

Sanemi knew the only reason his ass wasn’t being thrown into the back of the police cruiser waiting out behind Douma’s hell den was because Tengen had been the one to escort him out. And, because the local police had been itching to bust Douma for his little drug operation for months, Douma had been hauled out as well, handcuffed for good measure (and for insult) by Tengen.

It also helped that Douma was a dumbass, who’d sent the incriminating photos of his assault on Y/N to the groupchat that included all three of Tengen’s partners. Once he was sure they were safely out of view of spectators and witnesses giving statements to the other responding officers inside, Tengen took care to slam the greasy asshole to the ground, getting a few good kicks in as Douma curled pathetically against the asphalt. 

“I will sue your ass,” Douma wheezed as he struggled to catch his breath. Through the purple black swells of his eye sockets, Sanemi could just make out the sliver of jewel-toned irises as they glared in his direction. “The whore fucking wanted it rough.”

Sanemi lunged for the cowering bastard where he lay, ready to stomp the fucker’s face in once and for all, but Tengen roughly threw him back against the side of his cruiser before he could.

“He’s trying to rile you up. Don’t fall for his shit,” Tengen’s magenta eyes were full of warning as he held Sanemi back. “He was stupid enough to send proof of the assault; ain’t no way in hell anyone buys that it was consensual.”

But Sanemi could only see red, the image of Y/N’s tear-streaked and terrified face burned permanently into his brain, worse than any scar that he bore on his skin.

“I don’t give a fuck, it’s working,” Sanemi snarled, struggling against Tengen’s iron-clad grip on him. “I want him fucking dead.”

“Y/N needs you not to be in prison. Don’t you two have something goin’ on?” Tengen shot back hotly. The young cop’s words stilled Sanemi’s struggle against the police cruiser, his fury deflating slightly.

As Kyojuro’s car had jumped the curb in front of the house, both boys agreed to split up once inside the house. Kyojuro was tasked with retrieving Y/N from wherever Akaza had hid her, because Sanemi had viciously vowed that he would be the one dealing with Douma.

And so, he had.

Party attendants had taken one look at Sanemi’s stony face as he’d made his way through the house to the main living room and parted, not wanting to be caught in the crossfire of the violence promised in his eyes.

He’d found Douma, standing back near the speakers that crackled with some out-of-date, heavy bass music, laughing like he hadn’t a care in the world. Those monstrous eyes had met Sanemi’s for only a split second, but the delighted malice they beheld was enough to make Sanemi want nothing more than to make the monster bleed.

Douma’s answering smile had been brief, unable to withstand the smash of his fist as the enraged Sanemi knocked him to the ground and lunged to pin him down.

Kyojuro’s car was long gone by the time Sanemi and Douma had been dragged out of that party house of horrors by Tengen in handcuffs, Sanemi smirking at the way Tengen kicked at the whimpering bastard’s feet every few steps. But that meant that Sanemi had no idea how Y/N was even doing – or whether she’d sustained more serious injuries than what Douma had shown off.

He didn’t want to think about what else might have happened in that room. If he did, Douma would surely not survive the impending ride to the police station.

Sanemi knew, however, that Tengen was right, however much it pissed him off. Y/N was the priority here, not him or his righteous, violent fury. He would restrain himself – for her. Nonetheless, Sanemi felt a rush of gratitude for the young cop, who, despite cautioning Sanemi away from ripping the cretin apart once and for all, spat directly on Douma’s bruised, bleeding face.

Half an hour later, and Sanemi was being escorted by his friend through the familiar sliding doors of the police station. It took only five minutes of him speaking with two other detectives before he was strolling leisurely back out of the station and into the small parking lot with Tengen, who offered to drive him back to his apartment.

All it had taken was for Sanemi to whip out his phone to show them the picture Douma had sent of Y/N around for them to agree that the benefit of letting Sanemi go outweighed the burden of booking him; besides, the baggies of Wisteria they’d found on the famous party-thrower meant they’d caught the larger fish anyways.

If it weren’t for the looming threat that Douma had perhaps inflicted far more harm upon Y/N, Sanemi almost would have felt good striding out of the busy police station, but the fact that she might be with Kyojuro at a hospital somewhere, in need of treatment, sat in his gut like an icy stone, tempered only by the murderous rage he still felt.

In his stewing, Sanemi almost didn’t realize that Tengen was speaking to him.

“Look, I’m not sayin’ I don’t get your reasoning. I do,” Tengen said lowly, pausing near his cruiser to face Sanemi, though his eyes scanned the parking lot to ensure unwanted ears weren’t listening in. “Frankly, if I didn’t have my job to worry about, I woulda let you keep going. He deserved it.”

“But I don’t wanna see you falling back into old habits.” The young cop sighed, clapping Sanemi on the back. “You’ve been doing so well.”

Sanemi grimaced. “I’m not,” he bit out darkly. “This wasn’t about me. It was about her.”

Tengen eyed him incredulously but sighed. “It’d do you good to remember that. You can’t work things out with her if I’m haulin’ your ass to prison.”

Sanemi didn’t have the heart to tell him he’d long since fucked up any chances of working things out with Y/N.

----------

“This is the third time you’ve been brought in this month,” the young cop chastised him, crossing an ankle over his knee as he folded his massive arms across his broad chest. “And we’re only two weeks into December.”

Sanemi grimaced as he shifted in the dingy metal seat, his wrists going numb behind his back as the metal of the handcuffs around his wrists dug into his skin. He scrunched his nose, trying to stifle the drop of blood sliding down from his nostril before it could reach his mouth, though without much success.

He was growing more agitated as he waited on his best friend to come collect him – yet again, from the Ubayashiki police station, but Kyojuro had yet to show.

“Listen – Shinazugawa, is it?” The cop had a peculiar shade of silver hair, and a cursory glance-over by Sanemi revealed that he had an apparent penchant for fuschia eyeliner, an almost perfect match to the hue of the discerning eyes which watched him. “You’re a student at Ubaya-U, right?”

Sanemi only nodded, ducking his head down to avoid holding the officer’s gaze for too long, lest he see how dead the nineteen-year-old truly felt.

“My name’s Uzui – Tengen Uzui -- I graudated last year,” the man called Uzui said, somewhat proudly. “So I know you’re a smart kid, but you can’t keep getting hauled in like this. You’ve got too much goin’ for ya.”

Sanemi finally made a sound. “I got nothin’ going for me,” he scoffed, finally lifting his eyes to meet Uzui’s stern face. “Spare me the ‘you’re better than this,’ crap.”

Uzui only rolled his eyes. “Look, kid, whatever happened to you before you got here, you’ve gotta deal with it – but not like this.” Sanemi opened his mouth to snap back, but the young cop paid him no mind, only continuing his lecture. “I’m not gonna ask, because frankly, I don’t care that much. But I know a good kid when I see one, and I don’t think you want to live this way.”

Uzui sighed. “Surely you’ve got someone in your life you wanna do right by? A parent, or a girl, maybe?”

Sanemi’s already sour mood dampened even further. He was about to bite out that no, he had no one, when Kyojuro finally pushed through the doors of the police station, amber eyes scanning the intake area until they narrowed in on him.

And he looked tired. So goddamn tired, that for once, Sanemi felt something other than the numbness he’d felt slowly swallowing him whole over the last three months.

He felt guilty; he’d forgotten, that while he may not have cared about his own stupid actions affected himself, he did care about how they impacted his best friend. Sanemi’s only friend, really, though that was entirely his own fault.

But Sanemi’s guilt could not stop him from checking back out as Kyojuro walked over and spoke in a hushed voice with Uzui, both tossing concerning glances his direction every few minutes. Before he knew it, Uzui was standing and unlocking the handcuffs from around Sanemi’s wrists, the latter’s shoulders relaxing as his arms were released from behind his back.

“I’m letting you off with a warning, but with a condition” Uzui said simply, tossing the handcuffs back onto his desk. The young cop produced a small, white card from his pocket and pressed it into Sanemi’s hand. “I want you checking in with me every couple of weeks. We can do it here, or wherever you want – but it ain’t optional.” Uzui smiled wryly at the baffled look on Sanemi’s face. “Think of it as an unofficial probation. Until you settle down a bit.”

Uzui parted with a shake of Kyojuro’s hand and a wink at Sanemi before sauntering off down one of the adjacent hallways abutting the intake area, leaving the two boys behind.

Sanemi shoved his sore hands into his pockets, barely noticing the stinging in his bleeding knuckles as they chafed against the fabric of his pants.

“I can’t keep doing this for you, Sanemi,” Kyojuro’s voice said quietly from beside him, and Sanemi’s head snapped over to his friend. “You’re destroying yourself. I can’t just sit by and watch it.”

Deep down, Sanemi knew his friend was right, and he was a little afraid that he risked losing the fiery blonde for good, just as he apparently had lost his other best friend, though, it wasn’t like she’d been around after…after he died.

But if Sanemi lost Kyojuro for good, he’d truly have no one left, and so, he fingered the card that Uzui had given him as it sat in his pocket, and resolved he would try; if not for himself, then for the last person on earth who still gave a shit about him.

-----

 Later, the nineteen-year-old managed to stumble his way back to his dorm and he collapsed in his bed, not bothering to nurse his bleeding nose or even change out of his dirty, rumpled clothes. His knuckles stung and his body ached from the scuffle, but he found that he much preferred the throb of the bruises blooming across his body to the deep numbness he felt in his heart.

As he began to slip into a dreamless slumber, a pair of pretty eyes and a sparkling smile that had once filled him with so much warmth flashed through Sanemi’s mind. If he concentrated hard enough, he thought he could just recall the sound of her laugh, though it had been months since he’d last heard it.

He frowned as he tossed and turned in his bed, desperate to throw out thoughts of her, because she tended to disrupt his sleep and to make him feel even lower than he already knew himself to be.

And he didn’t want to think about what Y/N would say if she could see him now.

Though, Sanemi supposed, that would assume she would give enough of a shit about him to have an opinion on him at all.

He winced at the thought, so callous and bitter. He didn’t truly mean to be so cruel to her, even in his thoughts; he knew she didn’t deserve it. Sanemi knew it was his fault things had gotten as bad as they were between them – knew it was because of his piss-poor reaction to her admittedly badly-timed love confession that had driven her away.

After Genya’s death, Sanemi hadn’t much of a heart left that he could claim, but he’d known that whatever of it remained surely belonged to her, just as he always had. So, he’d tried to reach out after his brother’s funeral, during one of those rare moments of clarity when he wasn’t just existing on autopilot, detached from the world around him, but she’d never responded.

Her silence had been slowly needling him to death by a thousand sharp pricks to what remained of his pitiful heart, threatening to whittle it away entirely.

Sanemi imagined himself a pendulum that couldn’t decide whether he was angrier at himself or at her; forever swinging between his shame for lashing out the way he had at the train station and anger with Y/N for thinking his reaction had anything to do with her at all.

He’d never imagined himself worthy of Y/N – his best friend, so beautiful and intelligent and kind-hearted, even though he’d been so stupidly in love with her since they were small children. He’d always been too rough, too scarred, too…much. But he’d hoped, no matter how foolishly so, that perhaps one day, he’d work himself up to being worthy of her, be the reason she smiled and laughed and loved.

But, as Sanemi felt his stomach squeeze uncomfortably at the memory of her tear-streaked face, staring at the platform before the train he’d boarded, he was reminded that one couldn’t be worthy of the person they loved if they insisted on shattering their heart like a piece of glass.

-----

In the absence of semi-regular beatdowns, Sanemi had found other ways of distracting himself from the gnawing pit of despair and loneliness that was swallowing him whole, day by day. At the start of the spring semester, he’d finally hooked up with a girl in his mathematics seminar, and then began sleeping with another a month later. For months, he’d alternated between the two, thankful that neither of them had been interested in pursuing what he could not give them. And he’d enjoyed himself, because yeah, sex felt fucking good, but at the end of each affair, he hadn’t been able to shake the way his stomach clenched with the deep-seated disgust and oily squeeze of guilt.

Guilt, because he’d felt like he’d betrayed her, which was ridiculous considering she wasn’t his even if he’d always been hers; even if he knew, deep in his soul, that he always would be.

-----

A few nights later, he was out grabbing dinner on campus with Mitsuri and Obanai, the two lovebirds happily holding hands the entire evening, when they passed Shinobu crossing the green, ignoring her roommate’s kind greeting.

Though, Sanemi reasoned, she’d likely been trying to avoid having to make eye contact with them, so as to conceal her new black eye. While Sanemi would never raise a hand to a woman himself, that hadn’t stopped him from feeling a small bit of satisfaction at the memory of Makio stalking right up to the petite pharmacology student and nailing her square in the face.

In retrospect, Sanemi didn’t know if it was fair to blame Shinobu for Douma’s actions, but it was clear Makio did. Given the general iciness of the group toward the young woman who’d garnered a reputation for dealing Wisteria around campus, it seemed as though the others did, too.

He’d decided to withhold his feelings towards Y/N’s roommate until she, herself, indicated how she wanted to approach their friendship. It was her call to make, given that she was the one who’d been the target of Douma’s retribution.

Not that Sanemi would know of Y/N’s thoughts on the matter anytime soon; they hadn’t spoken since that morning in his kitchen, and she’d not returned any of his texts or calls in the days since the incident at the party. He knew she likely needed her space, so after the third straight day of no response, he resolved to give it to her.

It was hard to accept her radio silence, because it sent him right back to that feeling he’d had last year when he’d been urgently trying to find her after he’d learned her mother had died, and he feared she would disappear yet again. However, the group was set to go to Tengen’s family’s lake house that weekend for one last summer hoorah before classes began once more, and Kyojuro had already confirmed that Y/N was planning on going.

All of them were, except for Shinobu and Giyuu, according to Mitsuri that night as they ate too-greasy food at their campus grill. The pinkette sheepishly admitted she’d spoken with her roommate the night prior, and both agreed it was probably for the best that she stay behind, especially since Y/N was going. The pair of friends, though they lived together, hadn’t spoken since the Douma incident, either. Giyuu wouldn’t have gone without Shinobu anyways, but he was already out of town visiting his sister and her new husband.

So, Sanemi was left to anxiously anticipate the upcoming weekend. The thought of being at the Uzui lake house with Y/N filled him with both longing and dread, especially because he simply did not know the extent of the harm she’d suffered at the hands of Douma.

He’d known that she and Kyo had talked and worked things out – but Sanemi knew his friend wouldn’t divulge details without her permission, so Sanemi hadn’t tried to ask, wanting to respect both of his best friends’ boundaries.

The not knowing, however, was slowly eating him alive; he’d wanted to kill Douma that night, and truthfully, he thought he still might, if the opportunity presented itself.

Not that he was one to claim moral superiority over the bastard; not when he’d spent the better part of the last two years as one of the direct causes of Y/N’s emotional pain.

-----

“It’s Mrs. Y/L/N – she … she died. Last week. The funeral was yesterday.”

-----

Kyojuro’s words split Sanemi’s heart clean in half. There had only been one other time in Sanemi’s life when he’d felt the earth beneath his feet split open and swallow him whole, and that had been when his foster mother called him to tell him his little brother was lying in a morgue with a bullet hole in his chest.

But Sanemi found himself free-falling back into the earth’s molten center, and he couldn’t help but think he deserved to burn away inside its fire, because he’d failed yet again to be there for someone he loved.

Tears burned in his eyes as memories of Y/N’s mother flashed vividly through his mind, a slideshow of kindness and love that he’d been so grateful to receive from the young mother in the wake of his parents’ deaths.

For the first few weeks following the Shinazugawa boys’ discharge from the hospital, Mrs. Y/L/N had been a stand-in mother to them both, and they’d clung to her like dew on grass, craving her motherly comfort and assurance in the wake of the violent collision which had killed most of their family.

She’d been the one to apply ointment on his and Genya’s scars every night, her hands so warm and gentle to make up for the light sting of the medicated salve as she dabbed it delicately against their skin. She’d been the one to make their bag lunches for school, always making sure to pack extra for his younger brother, who never seemed to be full no matter how much he ate.

And now, she was gone. And he hadn’t even known she was ill.

That night, Sanemi sat on the floor of his shower and cried.

He cried, because his still-mending heart had been re-broken with the news of the death of the closest thing he’d had to a second mother.

He cried, because he’d failed to be there for someone he loved yet again, and Y/N had shouldered the death of her mother and the burden of planning a funeral without her two childhood best friends to lean on, and that wasn’t fair.

But even through his tears, Sanemi felt his resolve harden. He’d failed to be there for his brother when he needed him most; he’d failed to be a decent friend to Kyojuro, in the months following the younger boy’s death as he reeled from the pain of the loss. But he would not fail again; he swore he would find her and be there for her going forward. He would track her down, and he knew she might curse at and rebel against any offer of help, but he wouldn’t balk; he’d do anything, be anything for her, if it meant ensuring she wouldn’t fall into the infinite void of despair and grief that he had.

And maybe, just maybe, he’d prove himself worthy of being her friend once more.

-----

The Uzui family’s summer house was a sprawling manor that abutted a pristine, turquoise lagoon of a private lake, complete with a secluded beach area and a large section quartered off for bonfires, should the group of college-aged guests decide they were sober enough to light it.

The house itself was three levels, with a basement and a half-loft. The considerable size of the estate meant, plus the fact that several of them would be sharing rooms with their partners – Hinatsuru, Makio and Suma all sharing one with Tengen, and Obanai and Mitsuri sharing another – meant that Kyojuro, Sanemi, and Y/N each got their own private guest room.

Sanemi had no interest in being anywhere near the room with Tengen and his three, equally loud partners once they all retired for bed later that evening, and so, he’d claimed the room on the first floor, located just down the hall from the grand kitchen, decked out in new, state-of-the-art stainless-steel appliances and marbled countertops. Kyojuro and Y/N had both taken separate rooms on the second floor, apparently sure they wouldn’t be bothered by the sounds that were sure to emanate from their host’s room until the wee hours of the morning.

They’d arrived only an hour earlier, barely setting down their bags before everyone began to change into their swimsuits to head for the sun-warmed water before nightfall, the girls eager to work on their tans. Now, as Sanemi strolled alongside the sandy shore of the lake, only Y/N remained on land, lounging out on one of the luxurious beach chairs the Uzuis had installed in a finished seating area about fifty feet from where he stood, gazing out at the group’s newest couple as they splashed in the water.

A pang of jealousy reverberated through his chest as Sanemi watched Y/N’s pink best friend giggle in the arms of her new boyfriend as he swung her around in the shallow of the lake.

Ever since Obanai had finally confessed his feelings – and his fears – to Mitsuri, the two of them had been joined at the hip, the dark-haired boy's eyes perpetually clouded in bliss every time the vibrant girl fluttered her eyelashes at him or pressed against him to whisper softly in his ear before kissing his cheek.

-----

“If you can’t be honest with her, you’re going to lose her,” Sanemi said quietly as the two men stood at the bar, both nursing sodas as they watched the objects of their heart’s desire dance wildly and carefree on the Kizuki dance floor.

Obanai looked over at him, his eyes full of the kind of pain that he’d come to know far too well over the last few years. “Maybe it’s for the best,” he said quietly. “I’m not good enough for her – I don’t want to hurt her.”

Sanemi felt like he was talking to a mirror. “You’re already hurting her,” he took a sip of his ginger ale, though he hardly tasted it. “Cause you’re breaking her heart by staying away.”

The tortured boy’s misery was palpable as he looked back to where Mitsuri danced, lively and carefree.

“You’ll regret it as long as you live if you don’t tell her now.” In his mind, he saw only Y/N’s face as she transformed from the smiling girl of his memory to the cold, numb woman of his present. “Trust me.”

-----

He was happy for them, truly; but he couldn’t deny feeling a little jealous of the couple. After all, they both got to be with the person they loved.

Sanemi knew he had no one to blame but himself, but still; he wished he hadn’t fucked it all up with Y/N.

When Sanemi discovered the speckle of blood on his sheets the morning after he’d first brought Y/N home, he’d barely made it to his bathroom before throwing up.

It was too grotesque – the thought that the Wisteria had made him lose control so badly that he’d made Y/N bleed was too much for him to bear.

But the reality had been far worse than a simple case of lost control under the influence of an experimental drug and alcohol.

Far, far worse.

-----

(Three weeks earlier)

“Oh please, we all fuck each other here,” Mitsuri laughed, and Sanemi rolled his eyes.

The pretty, bubbly girl was unshaken by Sanemi’s terse rejection of her offer to join her and Obanai in the back of Tengen’s Volkswagen van for a “good time.” Though, whether her unflappability was from the drink she nursed in her hand or from an unshakeable confidence, developed over a lifetime of being beautiful and adored, he couldn’t say.

“Well, actually,” the pinkette chewed on her lip for a moment, in thought. “I guess that’s not totally true. Y/N didn’t sleep with anyone until you, Shinazugawa.”

Sanemi’s hand, which had been reaching for his plastic cup full of water, froze mid-air.

“What.” His voice was hard, monotone.

The pink-haired girl was oblivious as she laughed. “Yeah, that’s why Makio called you ‘The Cherry Popper,’ that one night - since, y’know, you were Y/N’s first.”

Sanemi felt his vision tunnel, his heartbeat loud in his ears as it thudded uncomfortably against his chest. Something pressed against his lungs, making it difficult for him to breathe as the weight of Mitsuri’s confession settled over him.

All this time, he thought he’d simply been too rough with Y/N, under the influence of that cursed Wisteria.

But this was worse.

He’d assumed Y/N had already lost her virginity when they slept together. She’d had no hesitance in stripping him of his clothes, had begged him to go hard, and fast.

But now, as Sanemi’s breath came rough, he’d wondered if he’d misinterpreted her screams of pleasure — had they been cries of discomfort?’

Or her nails digging into his back — he’d assumed they were to spur him on, to beg him to go faster, but what if she’d been clawing at him to slow down? To stop?

If he’d known, he’d never would’ve done it — not like that, not when he was so blitzed out of his mind that he couldn’t make sure she received the kindness and gentleness she deserved.

It should’ve been special; she should have known how special she was to him. Instead, he’d fucked her no differently than any other hookup he’d had.

Was he no better than his father?

He’d been so elated that she’d responded to his kiss with enthusiasm, that admittedly, he’d lost his ability to reason. He’d pined for her for so long — years really — that the moment her lips had met his, all rational thought had flown from his head. And his heart had nearly stopped in his chest when she insisted that they keep going, when she’d laid back against his sheets and told him she needed him.

He’d hoped she would’ve felt some of the happiness he had, when she awoke the following morning; he’d hoped that he’d be able to make her breakfast, and then the two of them could talk and he could apologize for every stupid thing he’d done over the last two years. Maybe she would’ve forgiven him. But he’d gone and fucked that all up.

Because when he awoke, all that was left of her was her blood on his sheets.

-----

(Y/N’s POV)

Y/N watched her friends sprint into the shallow of the turquoise lake with a small bit of envy. She wanted, so very badly, to join them, but she’d miscalculated the coverage that her swimsuit afforded her, and to her horror, she’d realized that the mark Douma’d left on her would be on full display the moment she removed the oversized button-down she’d used as a cover-up.

“Y/N! C’mon!” Mitsuri entreated her as her head popped back up from under the surface of the water, her hair tinged a dark pink from the water.

Absentmindedly, her hand raised to the spot where Douma had soiled her and rubbed, the slight pain from her stimulation of the still-healing wound forcing her to remain in the present instead of back in that blasted, dark bedroom.

“I think I’ll work on my tan for now!” Y/N called back, plastering a wide, fake smile on her face to assuage any worry. Not that she needed to, because before Mitsuri could question her further, Obanai snuck up from beneath her and raised her out of the water on his shoulders, the pinkette laugh-screaming as she flailed about to keep herself upright.

A crunch of gravel next to her caused her to tense, because she knew that all of her other friends were accounted for, splashing about in the serene crystal of the lake.

All of them, except for him.

Sanemi said nothing to her as he drew up next to her, though he maintained a respectful distance. He too, watched their friends laugh and play in the water for a moment, his hands shoved in the pockets of his red swim trunks.

Y/N tried to be sneaky as she allowed her eyes to roam the sculpted plains of his exposed torso, marveling at the muscle that seemed to be carved from stone. Since the summer, he’d gained a bit of a tan, his skin now a lustrous nutty gold, that, against the white blonde of his hair, created an attractive contrast that made her mouth water.

God, he was beautiful; it pissed her off.

The tension between them was electric, as neither wanted to be the first to break the silence growing ever louder between them.

“No one will stare, y’know,” Sanemi caved first, though he did not tear his eyes away from where they were fixed resolutely on the horizon beyond the lake. “They all want you to feel comfortable, so they won’t look.”

Y/N was about to snippily ask him why he was butting in on her business, even though her irritation was because he’d read her mood so easily – too damn easily, for that matter. She tilted her head up, readying her venom, but before she could bite, the words died on her tongue.

Sanemi’s tan hadn’t been able to obscure the scars of varying lengths and thickness which crossed his chest, forearms, and half of his face; if anything, his sun-kissed skin only made the silvery, jagged slashes stand out.

As she’d looked up at her former friend, she was reminded that he knew exactly how she felt at that moment – had felt that insecurity, every day, since they were eleven and a drunk driver had slammed into his parent’s station wagon, killing everyone but him and Genya.

I don’t care if you have scars! She’d told him, once. I’ve always thought you were…were..pretty!

She winced at the memory, but painful and intrusive though it was, she still couldn’t find it within her to throw his attempt at reassurance back in his face. Y/N’s heart might have been a lowly, misshapen, shriveled lump, but she still had one.

And besides, she wouldn’t lie to herself; his words had soothed some of her anxieties, damn him.

“Thanks,” she said softly, and she gave him a small, tentative half-smile. She hated the look of hope that flickered to life in his eyes at the sight.

She hated the guilt that sunk into her gut even more.

-----

It was late and she was restless.

Most of the house had already retired for the night; Tengen had disappeared with his three girls, and Obanai and Mitsuri had snuck away back to her guest room, giggling softly, as the pair had been unable to keep their wandering, eager hands to themselves.

Y/N stayed up a little longer with Kyojuro, laughing and talking about everything and nothing as Sanemi lingered awkwardly by the shore of the sprawling lake that sat before the Uzui family’s handsome summer home. By the time Kyojuro had yawned, the moon hung high in the sky, and even the chirping night cicadas had long fallen silent.

She’d hoped that returning to her own guest room – located on second floor of the Uzui home – would trick her brain into thinking she too, was tired; but hours later, she’d realized, grimly, that she’d not be enjoying such luck.

And so, she’d found herself braced over the pristine kitchen sink in the Uzuis’ kitchen, unable to shake the incessant nag of sleeplessness that prickled under her skin.She’d thought herself alone, until a noise over by the entryway caught her attention, her eyes flashing over to see who’d joined her in her restlessness.

Y/N’s stomach roiled at the sight of Sanemi standing there, shifting his weight from foot to foot, as though he too, would rather be anywhere but there at that moment.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I couldn’t sleep.”

Y/N shook her head, busying herself with dumping out her water glass and rinsing it out. “Neither could I, I guess.” An awkward pause ensued, only disrupted by the squeak of the faucet as Y/N wrenched it off to towel off her drinking glass.

“I tried calling you – last week,” Sanemi said carefully, leaning against the door jam, his arms folding loosely across his chest. “But I never got an answer.”

Y/N chewed on her lip, wincing slightly. She didn't want to admit that she hadn’t really returned anyone’s calls, but that was because she’d spent the majority of the week hunched over her toilet, alternating between dripping with sweat and half-freezing to death as she weathered through the brutal withdrawal from Wisteria.

She wasn’t ashamed per se – but admitting she’d gone through withdrawal meant admitting that she’d become reliant enough on it to have a physical reaction to cutting herself off from it, and that meant admitting she was weak.

“I was…dealing with a lot,” she decided after a moment. She realized that she was oddly grateful that Douma’s assault on her had been the catalyst for her stopping her Wisteria misuse, given that it gave her away around talking about the pitiful way she’d spent the last seven days.

Besides, it wasn’t like it was a lie; between puking her guts out, she’d spent a lot of time replaying the events that had led her to Douma’s bedroom, terrified and crying.

“A-and are you – you okay?” He stuttered, fidgeting with the drawstring of his sleep pants, twisting it nervously around his finger.

Y/N exhaled but gave him a half-smile that was almost genuine. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

Sanemi continued to shift nervously in the door, as though he wanted to ask her something else, but was warring with whether he should.

Ultimately, he decided to risk it. “Did he -“ Sanemi’s eyes screwed shut, and when he opened them again, he was fixed on a point over her shoulder, as though the question on his tongue was too much for him to risk meeting her eyes.

“Did he… hurt you,” Sanemi hesitated, his voice quieting to a whisper so soft, Y/N had to strain to hear it. “In a way I can’t see?”

Y/N’s eyes widened, her gaze softening as the weight of his question settled. “No, Sanemi, he didn’t. I promise.”

Her hand jumped absentmindedly to the faded mark where Douma had bit her and rubbed. “He wanted to, that much was clear, but Hakuji…Hakuji came just in time.”

Sanemi’s shoulders curled inward as he relaxed, and to Y/N’s heartache, she saw him nearly shaking under the weight of his unshed tears. “I’m sorry — I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.”

Y/N’s eyes hardened, and she let out a sardonic laugh. “That’s what you’re sorry for?”

She shook her head. “Why in the world would you have expected to have been there, Sanemi? You weren’t there any other time I needed you.”

“That’s not-“

“Too bad that’s the only thing you’re apologizing for,” Y/N sighed. “If only you would be sorry for the pain you’ve caused me, not for someone else hurting me.”

Sanemi’s gaze was hard, if not a little weary as he considered her words. “Okay Y/N, you’re right. It’s past time for us to do this,” he walked to the door that led out to the patio area, a little away from the house. He looked back to her, and in response to the eyebrow she had raised in question, he exhaled. “We’ve gotta have it out.”

Y/N did not move from her spot, standing with her back to the stovetop burners, merely crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at him, her hip jutting out. “I’m not going anywhere. If you want to do this, we can do it right here.”

“Fine,” Sanemi bit, voice stony as he folded his arms across his chest, matching her stance. “Then go ahead.”

Y/N merely raised an eyebrow at him, keeping her mouth clamped tightly shut. She refused to let him order her around, to let him goad her into being vulnerable after two years of nothing from him.

Sanemi watched her expectantly for a moment before sighing. “I guess I’ll start,” and he rubbed at his tired eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me it was your first time? That night?”

To Y/N’s shock, Sanemi looked genuinely upset, and she despised the way it made her ache. For all her attempts to keep him forever at arm’s length despite her need for him, the first sign of his pain was enough to make her want to fall to her knees.

But she kept her face neutral, disinterested. “Why does it matter?”

“Because I-,” Sanemi hesitated, his fingers curling against his palms, hands forming fists. “You should’ve told me.”

This conversation was nearly impossible to have sober, and for a brief moment, Y/N craved the sweet oblivion of flashing neon lights and pounding music and purple pills.

“It was none of your business,” Y/N decided, fingers toying with the ends of her hair as she avoided his gaze. “It was my decision.”

Sanemi opened his mouth as though to argue with her, but she cut him off. “God, this is so like you, isn’t it?”

Her fists clenched, and the anger she’d so carefully kept tucked away inside her began to bubble over. “Is it some weird male possessive thing? You fucked me, so now you think you have some kind of claim to me?”

“I care about you, you idiot, and I thought I’d hurt you,” Sanemi replied hotly. “If I’d’ve known, I wouldn’t have done it at all.”

“It’s not about you caring for me,” Y/N snapped. “Admit it — you feel entitled to me.” You’ve always felt entitled to my affections, ever since we were kids.”

Her leg began to bounce with her irritation. “You’d get huffy if I showed the slightest bit of affection to any other boy — don’t try to deny it. You’d cross your arms and get all broody and it fooled no one.”

Y/N laughed, though it was without humor. “You’re a possessive, jealous asshole, who keeps me around because I stoke your ego. You can’t tell me you never thought, not even once, that I had feelings for you.” Y/N’s eyes burned with angry tears.

“Of course I thought it,” Sanemi shot back. “You think I was that fucking blind?” He cracked his knuckles, an anxious tic he’d had since they were small. “You think I didn’t see the way you looked at me, like I was your goddamn favorite person? How could I ignore that?”

Sanemi shook his head. “Did you ever stop to think, for one moment, that maybe I didn’t say shit because I knew — have always known — that I’m not fuckin’ good enough for you? You’ve always been the smartest out of the three of us, Y/N — but did that thought ever cross that pretty head of yours?”

“That’s such a bullshit fucking reason,” Y/N said, exasperated. “Spare me the ‘I’m not good enough for you’ crap, Sanemi. This isn’t a fucking novel,” Y/N ground her toe into the expensive, stone tile of the Uzui’s kitchen floor in frustration. “Because for all your talk, nothing changes the very simple fact that you cut me off like it was fucking nothing. Like I was nothing.”

Sanemi’s jaw went slack as he gaped at her. “Is that how you remember it?”

-----

“Though, I guess it would’ve been hard to know it was you, anyways.”

-----

(Nine Months Earlier)

As he lazily strolled to his next class, Sanemi’s eyes casually roamed amongst the faces of fellow students as they brushed by him, heading in the opposite direction, when something caught his attention. Or rather, someone.

That someone was a wisp of a person, hunched over and curled into themselves like a wounded animal. From the cursory glance he gave them, Sanemi could see that the student was one, a girl, around his age, and two, looked as though she was about to blow away in the brisk, November wind.

He almost passed her without another thought, when her eyes lifted briefly and collided with his, and Sanemi felt his stomach drop, though he couldn’t explain why. Perhaps the flip in his gut had to do with the deep-set shadows beneath the girl’s glassy eyes, or the heavy hollow of her cheeks, as if she’d not known rest or a decent meal for months.

As quickly as her eyes met his, they lowered again, and the girl brushed past him. Sanemi kept walking for a few steps, content to let all memory of the girl fall into the recesses of his mind.

But her eyes. Something about her eyes made his mind snag, pulled at something in his chest that urged him to stop, turn around, and go back to her.

He stopped; he stopped, in the middle of the crosswalk, though the light was quickly ticking down the seconds he had to finish crossing the busy intersection, because he knew those eyes, even if, to his horror, he hadn’t recognized the face, so worn and thin under the crushing weight of her grief.

He knew those eyes, because he’d spent his entire life loving them.

Sanemi whipped around, eyes frantically scanning the dissipating crowd of students in search of her once more. Though his next class was in the opposite direction, he sprinted back across the street to where she’d been walking, calling her name as he darted in and around scowling students, annoyed at the panic-stricken man calling a name that wasn’t theirs.

He felt the burn of his frustrated and desperate tears begin to sting his eyes as he realized, to his torment, that Y/N had evaded him once more, vanishing like smoke in the wind.

Sanemi felt the familiar howl of crippling, raging despair gathering like a violent sea wave in the midst of a storm within him rearing its ugly head to smash him to bits against the rocky shore of his anguish at the realization that Y/N hadn’t just lost her mother.

She’d been suffering. For months.

And he hadn’t known; hadn’t been there for her to lean on, to make sure that she wasn’t bearing the entirety of the weight of a sick parent by herself, only a nineteen-year-old girl. So stuck in his own grief over Genya he’d been that he hadn’t known the depths of Y/N’s endless distress.

He’d abandoned her, and now, the woman he loved was a shell of her former self; a living ghost, forever out of his reach despite always haunting the corners of his shredded heart.

Any thought of his upcoming class faded from his mind as he began to stumble towards Kyojuro’s apartment, desperate to share the news with someone, anyone, who would understand the depth of his despair, and Sanemi broke down into tears.

-----

“And where have you been hidin’ all this time?”

“I’ve been right here.”

“Nah, you haven’t.”

-----

(Six Months Earlier)

“It’s been months, Sanemi, and we haven’t caught so much as a whisper of her,” Kyojuro’s voice was heavy with resignation as the blonde looked pleadingly at his best friend.

The muscles in Sanemi’s forearms flexed as his grip on his phone tightened while he fiddled with it. “We haven’t looked everywhere – have we tried the Pillars?” Sanemi began searching the address for the nearby apartment complex where over two-thirds of the Ubaya-U upperclassmen student body resided.

Kyojuro shook his head. “The Pillars house over two thousand units – we can’t just start going door to door. We’d look insane.”

But the silver-haired man didn’t reply as his eyes narrowed at his screen. “I’ll bet most of the students are in the same building – most residents don’t wanna put up with a bunch of noisy, drunk college kids.”

Kyojuro only looked at his friend in pity. “Maybe she doesn’t want to be found, Sanemi. Not by us, at least.”

Sanemi finally looked up from his screen and cringed at the docility in his friend’s eyes. “What do you suggest we do, Kyo?” He tossed his phone on his kitchen table in annoyance. “Just give up? D’you really think it’s best to just leave her by herself?”

“You don’t know for certain whether she is alone, though,” Kyojuro countered. “She might’ve found her own group here. Maybe she already has support. Maybe she doesn’t need us anymore.”

Kyojuro’s words hit something soft within him that he hadn’t realized had been left unguarded. For deep down, one of Sanemi’s many fears had always been that Y/N would one day outgrow him, though he’d always maintained that he wouldn’t hold her back should the day come.

But that wasn’t what happened; Sanemi had checked out after Genya’s death, and had only snapped back into reality a few weeks before the news of Mrs. Y/L/N’s passing had reached his ears, threatening to send him back to that dark, lonely island amidst the never-ending sea of his grief.

All he wanted was to make sure Y/N hadn’t been marooned on her own isle. As long as she had someone, then Sanemi could accept that he’d fucked over any chance he’d had of remaining in her life, in any capacity.

But until then…

“We don’t know for sure,” Sanemi said hoarsely, leaning back in his kitchen chair, the worn wood creaking slightly under his weight. “And until we do, I ain’t risking her being left alone to deal with this.”

Kyojuro looked at him with such pity and sorrow that it made him want to squirm. Refusing to meet his friend’s fiery, discerning gaze, Sanemi reached to pluck his phone from the table once more, scrolling through his phone contacts list, scanning the names.

“D’you think she might still be in contact with her old roommate?” He asked though it was more of a rhetorical question, given that he’d already begun drafting a message. “I’ve gotta catch my train here in an hour – but we could always try texting her.”

-----

“D’you really think I didn’t try to find you?”

-----

(Three Months Earlier)

“Three – you’re dating three women?” Sanemi asked, equal parts stunned and impressed.

The suave, silver-haired man nodded, a dreamy grin spreading wide across his handsome face. “Sure am,” Tengen produced a sleek black phone from the pocket of his joggers, and opened his social media profile to search a username. “Suma, Makio, and Hinatsuru. They’re all seniors at Ubaya-U, and roommates.” Tengen wiggled his eyebrows. “Which makes life very convenient for me,”

Sanemi met Kyojuro’s ochre stare as Tengen scrolled, as though waiting for his friend to call bullshit on the young detective’s brag, but the blonde only nodded.

“Hold on, they all went out with a few friends the other night, and I think Suma uploaded a pic with all of ‘em,” Tengen’s eyes narrowed in on what Sanemi assumed was the girl’s profile, scanning. “Aha! Here,” he held his phone out for the two boys to inspect, a proud, smug smile etched into his handsome face.

The photo was of five girls, three of whom Tengen identified as “his girls.” One of the remaining smiles was that which belonged to a girl with curious pink and green hair, wearing what could only be described as rave attire, given that most of her considerable body was exposed, even under the dim light of the club. As for the remaining girl --.

Sanemi’s stomach dropped as he looked closer at the image on Tengen’s phone. For there, sandwiched between the pink girl and one of Tengen’s partners, was the girl who’d held Sanemi’s heart since the day they’d met in preschool.

Y/N.

Only, she didn’t look like herself, not really. The sultry smile she gave the camera didn’t quite reach her eyes, which held that hollow, deadened look of someone who’d long since lost their will to live; who’d long since stopped caring they had.

Sanemi was only able to tear his eyes away from the image of Y/N’s frozen not-smile when Kyojuro pressed his elbow into his gut. He looked back to Tengen, who watched him with an odd expression, and sheepishly, Sanemi realized he’d snatched the phone right from the young detective’s hand.

“Sorry,” he muttered, handing Tengen back his cell. “I’m just surprised. It’s been a minute since we last saw her.”

“Who?” Tengen frowned, looking back at the photo, before recognition lit his eyes. “Oh! You mean Y/L/N? You two know her?”

Sanemi found it difficult to speak, so Kyojuro answered for him. “We grew up together back home. We haven’t really seen or heard from her in a while,”

Tengen hummed disinterestedly, apparently aloof to the way Kyo’s voice had cracked. “I’ve met her a few times – Suma dotes on her.” He smiled as he clicked off his phone, leaning back in the booth. “She’s been over to the girls’ place a few times before, and she seems pretty cool; kind of a party girl, though.”

Sanemi gaped at him, finally finding his voice. “She’s a what?”

Tengen shrugged. “Yeah, one time I met up with their friend group at one of the clubs downtown – the Kizuki Lounge, I think? – anyways, she and Makio decided to have a drink-off, and it ended with my ass having to carry them both out to the car and drive ‘em home.” He chuckled, shaking his head at the memory. “They argued the whole drive back about who won.”

Both Kyojuro and Sanemi sat in dumb silence as the silver-haired man leaned in, his voice lower than it had been. “One of their friends – she wasn’t in that picture just now – but apparently she’s some sort of chemistry whiz. Made a new drug that’s like ecstasy, but lasts longer and has an easier come down.” A conspiratorial smile spread across his face, a devious light in his eyes as he whispered, “The girls swear it helped give them the most intense orgasms of their life. I kinda wanna try it out for myself.”

Tengen leaned back and winked. “Are either of you interested? Even if you don’t want it, you should try hitting up the Kizuki every now and again. Most of Ubaya-U’s student body goes to party there during the summer, and they tend to offer decent deals on drinks.”

Sanemi had frequented bars, but never clubs, and Kyojuro rarely found himself in either. However, if Tengen’s comments about Y/N were to be believed, it was more than likely she was a regular patron of the local joint. She’d managed to evade every other attempt to get in touch with her, but perhaps meeting her on her turf would give him the opening he’d been desperately holding out for.

And Sanemi wasn’t about to waste the opportunity to find out.

He took a swig of his coffee before setting it down, meeting Tengen’s stare evenly, though he fought to conceal the way his hands trembled. “What are you doing this Friday?”

-----

“I looked for you – everywhere, I looked for you.” Sanemi promised, his voice trembling as he pled with her. “Y/N, I knew what you were going through – I know what it’s like --,” his eyes begged her to just listen, but she couldn’t, not when she’d spent so long staying so silent.

“You have no idea!” Y/N burst, and for the first time in two years, she spoke of the night her world had ended, even though for everyone else, it kept spinning.

“I was alone when she died! It was just me in that hospital room,” Her tears flowed in a steady stream down her face, though her voice remained steady and sharp. “I was moving her hand over my hair because I knew I would never again get to feel her stroke my head whenever I was sad or stressed. It was so fucking late, and I was so tired, but I felt something shift, and I looked at her and watched her take her last fucking breath, Sanemi!”

Y/N ‘s hands wrung in her grief. “I had to call the nursing attendant and tell them – even though I could barely speak, I had to tell them my Mama stopped breathing.”  As she spoke, she saw only the image of her mother in that damn bed, still and pale, and her mother but no longer.

“And do you know what happened next? They told me I needed to leave and sign fucking paperwork,” She laughed, derisively, though she only cried harder. “I had to sign fucking release forms and then they just – told me goodnight. I walked to my car. Alone. I drove home. Alone. Without her.”

“I was with you when you found out about Genya – we made sure you weren’t alone! But me? Who was there for me?” Y/N was sobbing into her hands, her shoulders shaking with the weight of all the bitter loneliness she’d been forced to endure over the last two years. “Where were you?”

“Y/N, I get it, I do –,” Sanemi began but Y/N shook her head.

“No, Sanemi, you don’t understand!” Her voice was no longer angry, but pleading, begging him – anyone – to understand just how much she’d been struggling and for how long. “Every night when I close my eyes, I see her, lying there. I hear the beep of her oxygen monitor going haywire because she wasn’t breathing, and I see her take her final breath. Every night, over and over, and I just want it to stop.”

Y/N slumped back against the kitchen counter, exhausted and defeated. “You asked me where I’ve been the last two years, and you were right – I haven’t been here; because I’m still there –in that hospital room. I never left.”

Her sobs finally quieted beneath the press of her hand to her mouth as she tried to stifle the hysterical way her breath struggled to catch. “And I don’t think I will ever leave. It’s been two years, Sanemi, and I’m still sitting there, right where I lost everything.”

“So yeah, I was desperate for an escape. Because, that next day, I woke up, and for some reason, morning, still came, even though my Mom would never again see another sunrise, and even though my world had been obliterated,” Y/N’s voice quieted to a near whisper, her voice hoarse from her tears. “And everybody else just moved on. I wanted to pretend that I had, too, even if only for a little while.”

“I was alone,” Y/N cried softly into her hands. “I’m still alone.”

When Sanemi spoke, his voice was rough and cracked. “I know I left you alone then,” but for some reason, his validation didn’t soothe her the way it had with Kyojuro. “But you’re not alone now – I tried, so hard, Y/N, to find you and make sure you were okay, and I failed,” His eyes shone with his own unshed tears. “I refuse to leave you alone, now. I know that probably pisses you off, but I can’t – I can’t leave you, not when I know --,”

“It’s too late,” Y/N interjected, lifting her head up to meet his eyes. “You can’t just waltz back into my life and decide you care now, not after all this time.”

“It was never about me not caring,” Sanemi sat down in the seat opposite from her, his head braced between his hands as his fingers tugged at his hair in frustration. “I don’t get why you can’t understand that.”

She gaped at him. “You stopped talking to me because I said I was in love with you – I fully understand that it was piss-poor fucking timing on my part, but you tossed me aside like garbage.”

Sanemi’s head snapped up, his eyes wide. “You think that’s why I stopped talking to you?” And suddenly, devastation pulled at his face as his shoulders sagged. “Y/N – that was never the reason --,”

“What other reason was there, Sanemi?” Her tears had dried, but the gnawing ache in her chest only deepened at the look of his despair, because, angry as she was with him, she would never wish him to be in as much pain as he appeared to be in right then. “Even if you weren’t really that angry, it doesn’t change the fact that you stopped speaking to me because of it,”

“Y/N – that’s not –,” Sanemi began, but Y/N wanted no part of it, and she could tell they were only gearing up for another fight. She opened her mouth, ready to unleash all of her acidic, biting remarks about how comfortable Sanemi had been to use her, knowing that she was probably still in love with him, when he spoke once more.

“You aren’t the only one who has been grieving.” Sanemi’s words hit her with a force that knocked the breath from her lungs, and the fight from her blood.

“I lost the last person I could call ‘family,’ too, Y/N.” Sanemi spoke with a brokenness that she knew only she recognized as grief – boundless and all-consuming. “I failed as your friend, that’s true,” Sanemi’s voice quieted to a whisper. “But I failed as a brother, first.”

-----

(November, 2 months after Genya’s death)

Sanemi laughed as the enraged bar patron’s fist slammed into his nose. The blow wasn’t hard enough to break the bone, given his intoxication, but it was enough for Sanemi to taste the blood as it dripped into his mouth.

“You’re fucking crazy,” the man spat, stumbling slightly.

Sanemi’s grin only widened. “I bet your wife would like some crazy in her life. You look as dull as a sack of shi-,” his taunt was cut off as the man landed another sharp to his gut, the breath wheezing out of him as Sanemi felt something inside him crack.

Probably another rib, he groused, gritting his teeth slightly. Just down the darkened alley, Sanemi could see people slowing down, watching as the balding drunkard threw lazy and disjointed punches at the bloodied, laughing man, and he knew it was only a matter of time before the cops were called. And Sanemi, to his annoyance, had promised Kyojuro he would try to stop needing the blonde to bail his ass out of jail every other week. He hadn’t known why he’d made such an inane promise to his best friend in the first place; it wasn’t as if he mattered.

Because the days following Genya’s death had blurred into weeks, which bled into months. For Sanemi, life became marked by the amount of time that had passed since he’d become the only Shinazugawa left on earth.

Since he’d last been someone’s brother.

Two days. Twenty-three. A month. Four months. Nine. A year.

Life post-Genya was a series of blurs; droplets of water on a page that smeared ink into something vaguely recognizable, but ultimately rendered useless.

Just like him.

For so long, his identity had revolved around being Genya’s big brother — his Aniki, as the boy had affectionately called him.

Could one still be an older sibling when they had no sibling left?

Genya had been Sanemi’s pride and joy. He’d been eager to get settled into college, to get his own place so Genya wouldn’t have to share a bunk bed with other kids the state had squeezed into their foster home. He’d lined up jobs to ensure he could buy Genya whatever food he wanted, whenever he wanted it, because Genya was always hungry, and their foster parents had never seemed to have enough to go around.

But then, Genya had wound up dead, and Sanemi hadn’t even been there to protect him. What kind of big brother was he, if he couldn’t even be counted on to be there when his little brother needed him the most?

He didn’t even get to say goodbye. He’d left his brother only a couple of weeks prior, with a promise to come and visit him as soon as he could. Genya had tried his hardest to stifle his tears, but despite his brother’s somewhat hardened appearance, thanks to the scar that cut across his face, Sanemi knew Genya was a sensitive boy, prone to wearing his heart on his sleeve. So the elder Shinazugawa had pulled his brother in tight, ruffled his hair, and told him he’d see him soon.

It had been a lie; the next time Sanemi saw Genya, the fourteen-year-old was a body on a metal table, awaiting Sanemi’s approval to be sent to a funeral home for burial preparations.

And so, the days passed in one, monotonous, never-ending cycle. Wake up; stare at the ceiling; force himself to eat, shower, and go to class. Then, Sanemi would grab his fake ID, head to a bar, take a few shots of some burning, acidic liquid, and then identify the meanest, biggest thug in the joint and pick a fight. He’d let himself get beaten to a bloody pulp and then he’d limp his way home, barely making it to his bed before passing out in the sweet stupefaction of oblivion.

Occasionally, he’d wonder why on earth he was the one who was left alive; why fate had demanded Genya’s life and not his, because Genya had so much more to offer the world than he did.

After all, Genya hadn’t even picked the fight between the two boys from their old foster home, and he’d still ended up dead.

The time never seemed to stop even though his little brother’s heart had; and with each passing day, Sanemi felt himself growing number and number. As the pulsing ache between Sanemi’s ribs dulled, he mused that, with every moment that passed, he was growing closer to becoming just like the little brother who now slept six feet under the frozen ground of the cemetery plot that also now housed their parents and other siblings.

Nothing more than a corpse.

If only it had been him.

It should have been him.

-----

“After Genya died I —,” Sanemi hesitated. “I wasn’t a good person, Y/N. You didn’t need to see me like that.” He ran a hand down his face, his weariness a heavy shadow beneath his eyes. “I’m honestly surprised Kyo stuck through it as long as he did.”

“I fucked up, I know that.” He admitted, his eyes shining with his own unshed tears. “I was an asshole to you, and I could’ve done more,”

Sanemi’s voice dropped to a whisper. “But I needed you, too. And you vanished. You told me you loved me and then you vanished. And it was like losing another person I loved all over again, and I’d barely started mourning Genya.”

Y/N felt her stomach drop to the floor and her vision tunnel. The weight of Sanemi’s words slammed into her with cataclysmic force, and she shot out a steadying hand against the counter to keep her knees from buckling.

She remembered now, the point at which she’d fucked it all up; and he was right.

Y/N had felt abandoned by her friends, but she’d forgotten that it was she who distanced herself from Sanemi first; that she’d done so to protect her own stupid pride and heartache after his apparent rejection of her love. She’d evaded him first, because she’d assumed that was what he wanted, even though he’d tried texting her once. She’d neglected to consider that perhaps, his ignorance of her hadn’t anything to do with his anger that she’d dared to confess; that perhaps, his neglect of her had been part of a general disconnect from the world, in the wake of it taking yet another person he loved away.

At the time, Y/N hadn’t understood what it meant to grieve; hadn’t been able to comprehend the ways in which it could engulf someone like a wildfire before they could ever see the smoke.  

He’s dealing with a lot right now, Kyojuro had told her, sternly. But perhaps Kyojuro’s admonition hadn’t been that at all; perhaps it had been a tired, desperate effort to remind her that Sanemi’s introversion from the world had nothing to do with her at all.

“I’m sorry,” Y/N gasped, her hands shaking. “I didn’t realize – I just knew I felt alone. All I wanted was you, Sanemi. I didn’t care how. I just wanted my friend.” This time, Y/N did not try and steady her voice as the tears welled up in her eyes. “I needed you — I needed my ‘Nemi. But you weren’t there – I-I didn’t think-,”

“I promise you, I wanted to make it right. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did at the train station,” Sanemi gave a great sniff, lifting his head to meet her eyes. “When I snapped out of it, I tried so hard to find you by then, it was too late; you were gone,” His tears fell fast and hot down his face. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Y/N.”

“I failed you; I know that --,”

But the girl shook her head, collapsing back against the kitchen counter. “We failed each other.” She wiped her cheeks, her arms winding tight around her middle as she tried to hold herself together even though the weight of the words that followed threatened to tear her apart at the seam for good. “And I don’t know how to fix this – how to fix us.”

Sanemi leaned back against the table, opposite her. “Maybe we can’t…maybe we can never go back to the way things were.”

Even as he said it, Y/N’s heart seized. She knew he was right, but she wanted so very badly to believe he was wrong; wanted to believe there was still a them to salvage.

“That doesn’t change how I feel about us,” Sanemi continued. “And that doesn’t mean we can't try to make something new.”

His words, so brutally honest and yet hopeful, tugged at the bleeding, mangled pieces of her heart. For the first time since they’d reunited, Y/N felt as though she could finally see him – all of him – and he broke her heart, and not for the reasons she thought he had before. The remnants of her heart ached for him because he looked just as broken and lost as she was, and she realized that perhaps, they hadn’t meant to hurt one another. Perhaps, they’d both been merely victims of their own grief.

All Y/N knew was that she was tired, so very tired of running from him, especially when he’d always been inevitable. And she wanted, more than anything, to ease some of the burden that she’d failed to notice he’d been struggling to carry, too consumed by her own grief and pain and rage.

Sanemi’s stare was weary as she slid off the counter and approached him timidly, hesitating just once before winding her arms around his neck and kissing him, gently.

She kissed him because she did not know what else she could do at that moment. There were no words she could say, no promises she could offer him, other than this small act of physical comfort.

Sanemi kissed her back, soft, though the hand on her face felt more like an effort to restrain himself from going any further. Y/N’s suspicions were confirmed when he broke away from her lips, panting slightly, and moved when she tried to reconnect them.

He pressed his forehead against hers. “I don’t think it’s a good idea,” he murmured, apologetically. “We’re both all worked up.”

Y/N opened her eyes and peered up at him, nodding. He was right; of course, he was right, but his rejection stung anyways.

He must have sensed it, for he pressed his lips tightly against her forehead, his thumb stroking her cheek. “Let’s just take some time, okay?”

Her lips trembled with the effort to keep herself from crying once more, but she nodded, nonetheless. Briefly, Sanemi’s lips brushed her forehead once more, before he pulled away, and silently retreated to his bedroom, leaving Y/N in the dim light of the kitchen.

-----

The next day and a half passed without event, and Y/N was grateful for it. She’d managed to smile and laugh with Mitsuri and Kyojuro, and goofed around with Tengen’s beautiful girlfriends, but her heart remained heavy in her chest.

Though, it wasn’t an unwelcome weight, even if it made her uncomfortable at times. The fallout from hers and Sanemi’s talk two nights earlier had been both the final knife to her blackening heart and its bandage, and she’d been left to work through the complex tapestry of her feelings towards the man who’d held her heart before she’d even known she’d given it to him.

Such thoughts, however, had not quieted. It was just after midnight when Y/N gave up on trying to sleep. The house was too large and too quiet, and it made the thoughts in her head all the louder and sleep all the more evasive.

With a sigh, she kicked free of her blankets and rose, padding out of her temporary bedroom and into the dark, silent hall of the Uzui lake house. Trust that Tengen, of all people, would come from a family that not only had a summer house, but one large enough that each of her friends had been afforded their own private bedroom for their short weekend.

Clad in only a pair of black boy-shorts and a matching, cropped tank, Y/N clandestinely made her way down towards the large staircase which led to the first floor, but paused before beginning her descent, as she remembered that Sanemi’s room was on the first floor – just before the kitchen.

He’d wanted space, and she’d given it to him. Over the last two days, the pair hardly spoke to one another except for, when necessary, by virtue of the group’s activities under the sun. It hadn’t been out of any malice or anger, not like before. Rather, it seemed that their mutual avoidance of one another had been born out of a curious shyness that had bloomed between them, as both worked through the snarled tangles of their hearts.

If she went to the kitchen, as planned, there was a chance she’d wake him, and even if every fiber of her body missed him, the last thing she wanted was to be the cause of his loss of sleep – at least, more so than she’d apparently already had been.

On the other hand, she was thirsty, and there was a restlessness buzzing beneath her skin that would not quiet, that hadn’t quieted since she’d given up those treacherous lilac pills.

Y/N decided to take her chances, resolving not to turn on any of the stair lights or the light in the kitchen, instead navigating only by the dim light of her phone as she eased her way down the polished wood stairs. She held her breath as she slipped past the door that led to Sanemi’s room, as though the very sound would risk disturbing the handsome man slumbering within.

Once in the kitchen, Y/N blindly felt around for the cupboard containing sparkling glasses and managed to fill one with water without making a great deal of sound. Using the light of her phone screen, she managed to hop up onto the cool, marbled countertop and leaned back against the cabinets as she nursed her drink.

For the last two nights, sleep had evaded Y/N because of the way Sanemi’s words had played, over and over her head, a never-ending tape that showcased her own selfishness on a loop.

You aren’t the only one who has been grieving, he’d told her, brokenly.

He was right, and she was horrible.

For as long as she could remember, Y/N had always feared being selfish. She didn’t know where the deep-seated aversion to looking after he own self-interest had come from, but it was one that was so deeply ingrained within her that she’d long since stopped trying to overcome it. Instead, she’d found herself always trying to do the best for other people, desperately trying not to put herself over her loved ones, for fear they would leave her the instant she did.

When she’d found out her mother was going to die, she’d been left by the doctor to break the devastating news as her beloved mother lay in that hospital bed, fighting so hard to keep her oxygen levels up so that she could get out. Her mother had been asking Y/N to describe all of the autumnal decorations she’d seen go up in town, as though the prospect of seeing fake leaf garlands and pumpkins would be enough to make her lungs work properly once more.

For as long as she lived, she would never forget the broken disbelief in her mother’s eyes as Y/N had tearfully told her she would not live to see the end of the week.

“I thought I had more time,” her mother had wheezed, brokenly, clasping Y/N’s hand as tightly as she could with her dwindling strength.

She’d looked so scared, so lost, and what had Y/N done?

Y/N had cried; sobbed and had been utterly unable to stop. Her mother had needed comfort, and she hadn’t been able to toughen up and stop crying.

I’m sorry, Mama, she’d bawled, I can’t stop crying, I’m so sorry.

Her mother, with tears in her own eyes, had only shaken her head. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

As though it were her fault she was dying; as though Y/N didn’t know that if death were a matter of will, her mother would be here, on earth, with her still.  

In her mother’s most desperate moment, Y/N had been utterly incapable of providing comfort, instead needing to be comforted, like the child she’d been. It was despicable; she was despicable.

To her horror, she’d been nothing but selfish. So, so very selfish, for being unable to check her emotions when it mattered most. And her mother had barely been conscious after that final conversation, which meant Y/N hadn’t been able to apologize for making her mother comfort her in her hour of greatest need. But Y/N had added that great regret to the list of things that would likely haunt her for the rest of her life, hopeful that maybe its presence on her list of regret would serve as a warning for her in the future.

It hadn’t; because Y/N had fallen right back into the sticky trap of her own selfishness and had failed to account for all the ways in which Sanemi had been suffering, right alongside her.

Worse, she’d relished his suffering because she’d thought she’d been the cause of it, and it had felt so damn good to finally get him back for the two years of hell she’d endured, never realizing that he’d been burning, too.

They’d been victims of a shitty hand dealt to them both, but too young and too stupid to be able to see the world outside of their own heads. And now, she had no idea where things stood between them.

Deep in thought, Y/N did not sense the shift in the air that signaled another was stirring until the kitchen light flipped on, and Y/N’s head shot up to see the person she’d most wanted to both see and avoid.

Sanemi looked just as surprised to see her, perched on the kitchen counter. His hand still lingered on the light switch, and his eyes were wide. He seemed to realize he’d been staring, and he quickly looked down to his feet, the faintest trace of red crossing his cheeks.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Couldn’t sleep.”

Y/N huffed a watery chuckle, wiping quickly at the tears that clung to her cheeks. “Neither could I – just a little restless, I guess.”

There was so much she wanted to say, and yet, she couldn’t think of a single word to speak, as he continued to hover by the light switch, uncertainty turning his muscles rigid. An awkward silence ensued as Y/N gave a great sniff and tried, but failed, to fake an ‘everything is fine’ smile.

Not that she would’ve been able to fool him anyway, but still, she mused, it would’ve been nice to try.

“I’m sorry – I’ll go back to my room,” She put her water glass down by her side and braced her hands against the edge of the counter to hop down, but remembered that she was still only in her underwear. It was foolish, she knew, to feel suddenly self-conscious being so exposed in front of him, given that Sanemi had spent the entire summer exploring every nook and cranny of her body with his mouth and hands, but the emotions of the weekend still weighed heavily on her – made her feel vulnerable.

Especially under the microscope of his burning stare.

Sanemi didn’t respond, nor did he comment on her failure to move off the counter. Instead, he only continued to watch her as she wiped at her cheeks, that fathomless heat and longing and hurt in his stare.

“I’ve always hated seeing you cry,” he finally murmured, and Y/N was surprised to see that he had inched closer to where she sat, perched on the kitchen counter.

A door was opening, and Y/N found herself wondering if she should walk through it or remain here, where the line between them was tenuous, but a line nonetheless; safe, and capable of being enforced, if she needed to run.

Y/N recalled a conversation they’d had about Mitsuri and Obanai before the pair had begun dating – back when they, too, had been chained to their own doubts of the other’s sincerity.

They should let themselves try, he’d quietly insisted.

She’d rebuked his words, only to find herself eat crow later; Mitsuri and Obanai had let themselves try, and now they were together, mending and growing as one instead of as two.

Maybe they could try, too.

“But why?” Y/N pressed, because though she’d decided at that moment to walk through that door with no reservations, she still wanted to hear him say it; wanted an explanation, after all these months.

“You know why,” was his only reply, his voice growing hoarse as he drew up within an arm’s reach of her.

Y/N shook her head again, but Sanemi did not stop; his hands boxed her in on the counter, one thick forearm coming to brace on either side of the kitchen counter, thumbs just grazing her thighs.

“You know why,” he insisted.

Y/N finally lifted her eyes to his, the last wavering thread of her resolve dissolving as she beheld the timid, pleading sincerity in his stare.

She exhaled, softly, but she did not move away from him.

“Then show me.”

She’d never seen Sanemi look so shy as he lifted one hand to cup her delicately under the chin. As he leaned in close, Y/N felt a curious tingle in her stomach that only grew in its intensity as his lips – so warm and soft – brushed against hers.

It was butterflies, Y/N realized as her eyes closed, that she’d felt fluttering in her stomach as Sanemi kissed her, because it was everything their first kiss should have been. It was not rough and sticky from mixed drinks and being pressed against dirty club walls in the dark, like the act itself was a shameful secret driven only by lust.

It was gentle, and soft, like the first fall of snowflakes against her cheeks. It was warm like a summer breeze, gently messing the tendrils of her hair against her bare shoulders, as it caressed her skin and promised precious moments of levity and of peace.

Sanemi’s lips moved against hers, still so gentle, and Y/N felt not just the love she’d come to accept he held for her, but also his hope, as tentative and uncertain and yet as eager, as a newborn fawn taking its first shaking steps in the spring.

It was everything; he was everything.

Their kiss grew more heated as they both grew more desperate to consume one another, the desire to make up for all the time lost between them morphing into a base need, as though their minds knew they needed the other to help put themselves back together again; to make themselves whole.

Sanemi’s hands found the sliver of skin exposed between the top of her underwear and the bottom of her tank top, and Y/N moaned, her legs wrapping around his hips to lock her closer to him as she let Sanemi engulf her in his strong, sturdy arms.

He lifted her effortlessly from the counter, his lips never leaving hers, and he began to walk them toward his bedroom. As Y/N’s legs wrapped eagerly around his waist, and her fingers tightened their grip in his hair, she found herself grateful that his room was just around the corner.

His tongue danced slowly with hers as he nudged the door to his room open with his foot and blindly pushed it shut once they were safely inside.

Sanemi’s lips dropped to her neck as he carried her to his bed, laying her out beneath him as his hands skimmed under her tank top, rough fingertips gliding up the sides of her bare waist until his palms rested against her breasts, rolling the mounds between his hands until she was moaning into his mouth, her wetness gathering quickly in her underwear as Sanemi pressed his groin against hers and rolled.

He made quick work of discarding her sleeping top, his mouth closing around one of her nipples as he gave it a hard suck, his hand cupping the other to roll her stiffening nipple between his fingers with a surety that had her whining and tugging at his hair, begging him for more.

Y/N’s fingers clawed at his back, eager to tear his t-shirt from his back so that her hands could greedily roam the stony ridges of his back, his chest. Sanemi groaned as she raked her nails across his shoulders, and he nipped her breast in response for making his way down to where her underwear struggled to conceal her arousal from him.

His tongue grazed over the thin scrap of fabric that separated her bare cunt from his waiting mouth and he groaned, his fingers digging into the sides of her thighs. “I can taste you through your damn panties,” he growled, his eyes dark as they lifted up to her face, flushed bright pink as she watched him slowly drag his tongue up her clothed slit. “Are you that needy for me already, baby?”

Sanemi withdrew himself from between her legs, and Y/N thought she’d fall apart at the loss of his warmth above her. Any protestations she had bubbling in her throat, however, died, as Sanemi shoved his sweatpants down his legs, his thick length springing forth and bouncing against his navel.

No matter how many times she’d seen it, the sight of his cock, long and with considerable girth, with a pretty, mushroom-like tip that grew an angry red the longer he went without stimulation, never failed to make her mouth go dry.

“Let me take care of you, sweet girl,” he cooed, slowly kneeling before where she laid sprawled on his bed as his hands smoothed up her thighs to the bottom of her underwear. Gently, his fingers curled under the fabric and began to slide them down the length of her legs, until he’d pulled them away from her feet.

Before he returned to her, he balled the discarded cloth in his hand and brought it to his nose, eyes closing as he inhaled deeply the scent of her arousal, a soft growl reverberating from the back of his throat as he opened his eyes, amethyst irises full of heady want for her.

“Fuck, I’ve missed that,” he said quietly, his movements slow, teasing, as he knelt on the bed, the mattress dipping under his weight, as he settled between her thighs.

Y/N huffed a shaky laugh. “It’s been two weeks, you nymphomaniac,” though she nearly gulped at way his eyes darkened as he exhaled softly along her glistening, throbbing core.  

Sanemi sat back from her, eyes roaming her bare body as he considered her words. “You’re right, it’s been two weeks,” he said evenly, as his hands slide under backside, lifting her up to work himself under her until she was perched on his abdomen, its rocky ridges brushing deliciously against her bare folds.

“W-what are you -!” Y/N’s question was cut off as Sanemi’s broad, warm hands gripped under her thighs and hauled her up his torso, bringing her to hover just above his face as he settled beneath her.

“It’s been too long,” Sanemi grunted, his voice like gravel with his desire. “I need this. I need you.”

His strength had always greatly outmatched her own, but Y/N did not try to struggle as he lowered her bare cunt onto his mouth, his hands braced on her hips as he pushed her full weight down onto his face, groaning loudly as her essence enveloped him.

Sanemi’s head had spent a great deal of time between her thighs since the start of the summer, and yet this was somehow far more intimate.

Intimate, because she was utterly helpless as he held her throbbing core flush against his face, his arms caged tightly around her thighs, prohibiting her from moving away even if she’d wanted to do so, as he devoured her.

From beneath her, Sanemi let out a deep groan as his tongue sank between her folds and began lapping at her. Sanemi’s expert tongue wove in and out of her folds, periodically grazing over her entrance with such teasing fervor that Y/N felt her lower abdominal muscles seize, and she could not stop her hips as she began to grind into his mouth, her head tossed back.

A sharp prick against her inner thigh had Y/N’s eyes flying open as she looked down, surprised to see Sanemi licking the inside of her thigh where he’d nipped her. Even in the dark, Y/N could see the moonlight reflecting off his lavender irises he held her gaze, the hands around her thighs tightening and Sanemi slid his hot, silken tongue into her opening.

Y/N’s responding moan was loud, wanton, her head falling back as her hips ground down into his mouth as she began to ride his tongue. Below her, Sanemi groaned, his laps and sucks at her most sensitive area growing louder as he greedily slurped her juices.

Y/N began to feel that coil deep in her stomach grow tighter as her clit began to pulse and throb against Sanemi’s relentless tongue and lips. One hand slid under her to play with her entrance, his rough fingers circling her opening, sliding into her until his first knuckle before withdrawing, teasing her as her hips bucked wildly against his face, as she grew more desperate for him to fill her.

“Sanemi – p-please,” Y/N begged as his deft fingers avoided sinking into her spasming heat once more, a small scream of frustration tearing from her throat as he continued to tease her.

Though her white-haired lover was prone to continue teasing her, the grip around her thighs tightened as Sanemi pressed her harder against his face, his tongue thrusting in and out of her as his teeth grazed her aching bead over and over. Y/N’s cries grew louder, closer together, as the rough stubble of his jaw scraped against her sensitive flesh.

It was too much; with a sharp cry, Y/N’s thighs seized around Sanemi’s head as she felt a rush of her juices gush out of her, coating his face. The vibrations from Sanemi’s groans of satisfaction intensified the ripple of pleasure that rocked through her, and Y/N could not stop herself from grinding even harder against him in a desperate attempt to prolong her release.

Y/N fought to keep herself upright as she bucked against his face, but the sensation had become too much, and she found herself falling back against his legs. Sanemi didn’t seem to mind, his arms remaining tightly locked around her lower hips as he continued to rock his face against her core, her thighs shuddering around his head at the scrape of his stubbled jaw against her heated, sensitive flesh.

She turned her head and was surprised to see how close Sanemi’s cock was to her face, standing thick and tall as it bounced proudly against his abdomen with every flex of his stomach muscles and thighs as he continued to eat her out like she was his final meal.

Y/N’s lips went dry as her eyes took in the leaking, red tip of him, so demanding and eager, and yet he’d been utterly content to ignore his own need in favor of satisfying hers.

She struggled against his iron-like grip on her hips, trying desperately to turn so she could take him fully into her mouth, but he was too lost in her cunt to realize she wasn’t trying to get away; she wanted him, wanted to pleasure him as must as he insisted on pleasing her.

“Sanemi,” she whined, trying to turn once more, but his arms only tightened around her, a growl of warning reverberating from his chest.

Straining, Y/N leaned as close as she could to his aching cock and stuck her tongue out, just managing to graze the side of it before she had to pull away.

It was enough. At the first caress of her wet tongue against him, she felt Sanemi freeze beneath her, his tongue momentarily pausing mid-thrust into her core as he realized what she was trying to do.

“Fuck this,” he muttered, finally tearing himself away from her lovingly abused cunt and throwing her off him to the side, her breasts bouncing as she settled against the mattress. “I need you – now.”  

Sanemi covered her body with his own, her legs falling to the side with practiced ease as she accommodated his hips. Despite his gruff words, Sanemi bent down to kiss her softly, his lips warm and gentle, as one hand rose to caress her cheek. Y/N locked her arms around his neck, happily sighing into his mouth as his tongue slid between her lips to stroke hers, each caress making the fire in her lower belly burn hotter and more urgent.

Sanemi shifted, keeping one hand on her face as the other moved to grip him at his base, aligning himself with her entrance. His eyes flitted back up to hers one more time, seeking her permission, and it made Y/N’s heart seize. Even after more than two months of sleeping with her, he still insisted on ensuring he had her approval.

Had she been able to form a coherent sentence, she would have begged him to take her, but she’d long since lost her ability to speak thanks to Sanemi’s skilled hands and mouth, and so, she only rolled her hips towards his impatiently, whimpering with her need.

Sanemi groaned in response and the hot, flared tip of his aching cock pushed into her. Ordinarily, Sanemi took his time working his way inside her, given his considerable size and girth; but, thanks to the way he’d insisted she ride his face, Y/N’s core had become impossibly slick that Sanemi sunk into her molten heat in a single, fluid motion, not stopping until his base was pressed flush against hers.

A hitched breath blew past Sanemi’s lips as he buried his face into the crook of his neck. He locked one arm around her upper back, the other encircling her thigh to hold her open for him as he began to rock into her, sloppily and hurried, as though he were getting lost in the feeling of her tight, soaking heat as she clenched around him.

“S-Sanemi!” Y/N gasped, her fingers burying themselves into the pale cornsilk of his hair as she tugged, eliciting a deep groan from the Adonis that ground into her from above with abandon.

Y/N’s hips moved of their own accord as she desperately sought to meet his frenzied thrusts, circling and pushing against him as Sanemi’s cock hit that spot within her that made her toes curl and her stomach dip. She was as wanton and desperate as he was, though the harder she moved against him, the more needy she became.

She needed him to be closer; so much closer.

“’Nemi,” she cried, begging him though she did not know what she begged for, as she moved her hands from his hair to rake her nails down his back, needing him to do something, anything to bring her closer -.

Sanemi locked a steely arm around her middle and in one fluid motion, flipped them, bringing Y/N atop him.

Both groaned in unison as the new position allowed Sanemi to reach even deeper within her, and Y/N felt nearly intoxicated by the sensation of being filled and stretched to her limit. Sanemi’s hands braced at her waist as he began to help her roll her hips against his, his head falling back as his eyes fell shut in bliss, a deep moan falling from his mouth.

Tears stung Y/N’s eyes as she ground against him because she understood what his actions meant even if he’d not uttered a word.

Sanemi Shinazugawa said he’d never let anyone ride him.

But he wanted to be hers.

So, with an unfamiliar yet welcome warmth spreading through her chest, Y/N began move, her hips softly rolling and grinding against his as she braced her hands against his rocky abdomen, fingers digging in slightly as she tilted her head back and moaned his name, loud and unrestrained.

“Nemi,” Y/N gasped, her hips rising and falling and grinding against him with a fervor beyond her control, as she could not get enough of how it felt to fuck herself on him. “Am I — ah — doing this right?”

A loud groan from deep in Sanemi’s chest was her only answer, as her lover lifted his head from where it’d been thrown back against his pillow as he basked in the feeling of Y/N’s silky cavern milking him for all he was worth.

 “Baby, I don’t think you could do wrong if you tried,” he grunted, his voice trembling with his unbounded desire.

She was inclined to agree, because god, even after months of being fucked by him, none of those previous encounters could compare to the way he was making her feel right then, his warm, sturdy hands braced on her hips as he helped guide her up and down his hot, steely length, the room filling with the sound of their skin clapping as she bounced and ground against him.

Y/N’s hands found his at her waist and she pulled them away, in favor of tightly interlocking their fingers as she increased her pace, bringing herself up off his cock before dropping her hips back down again for a needy grind, her walls fluttering around him with each push and pull against him.

She fell forward slightly, pressing the back of his hands down into the mattress and holding them there, just over his head, their fingers tightly interlocked together. She shifted, so that she could brace a little of her weight into him, pressing them even harder into the soft bed as she increased her pace, rolling into him faster as she circled her hips around him.

With his hands pinned above his head, and his eyes squeezed tightly shut as a needy moan echoed from his throat, Y/N swore she’d never seen sight more beautiful than that of Sanemi completely at her mercy.

“I want to finish like this,” Sanemi’s voice had an uncharacteristic desperation in it that bordered on begging, he threw his head back harder against his pillow, the tendons in his neck tensing as he groaned unrestrainedly for her. “Please, Y/N –,”

She only ground down against him harder, his pleas choking off in his throat as his fingers dug harder into her hips. “Sh-i-it,” Sanemi groaned out, his hips thrusting wildly up into her, so lost in just how deep he could reach within her vice-like, silky heat.

Guided by pure instinct, Y/N released his hands and sat up, her own drifting behind her as she began to fondle his swollen, heavy balls while she continued the relentless pull and drop of her hips up and down his throbbing cock.

“Fuck!” Sanemi bucked harshly up into her, his head pressing harder against the pillow beneath him as the muscles in his neck strained, his eyes falling shut in his bliss. One of his hands found its way to her lower abdomen, pressing down slightly so she could feel him pressing against the front wall of her core, Y/N’s voice cracking as she moaned. His other hand lowered to where they were connected, and he began to swirl his thumb around her aching clit, his ministrations causing the walls of her cunt to pulse and constrict around him as her end neared.

Y/N’s thighs began to burn with exhaustion as she bounced up and down his cock, but she could not stop, not until she reached the dizzying height of her pleasure that was quickly coming on the harder she rode him.

Sanemi, however, appeared to sense her growing tiredness. “C’mere,” he said gruffly, one hand lifting to cup her face as the other shifted to press against the small of her back, guiding her to lay flush against him as he claimed her mouth with his own and began to thrust up into her, holding her securely against him.

Y/N groaned into his mouth, as their new position allowed Sanemi to hit a spot within that had her seeing stars as he kept her crushed against him, his tongue dancing languidly with hers. The hand on her lower back moved so that his arm could wrap around her waist and embrace her, as his other hand moved from her jaw to brush a lock of hair back that had fallen in front of her face.

“N-Nemi,” Y/N whimpered, her hips beyond her control as they dropped and rolled and ground against him, in desperate search of her release.

“I know, sweetheart. I know,” Sanemi’s voice was raspy, his arm tightening on her waist in a poor effort at restraint. “I feel it, too.”

Sanemi began thrusting up into her spasming cunt, a renewed string of curses falling from his mouth as the messy sound of Y/N’s honeyed core filled the room. Y/N felt herself begin to tighten around him, the thighs trembling against either side of his waist as she slammed herself back onto him, her cries growing louder as Sanemi brought her closer to her peak. His hips began to lose rhythm as he wildly jutted into her. Y/N’s eyes were squeezed shut as she began to babble, alternating between cries of his name and nearly incoherent pleas for more.

Sanemi’s hand found hers and brought it up against his chest, holding it tightly as his other arm cinched around her waist. “Let go for me, baby,” his voice was hoarse as he leaned up slightly to brush a kiss against her lips.

One, strong grind of her hips later, Y/N shattered around him, her inner walls seizing him like a vice as she tipped her head back and wailed for him, so pretty and so completely undone by him that she did not think she could ever be put back together and be wholly her own, without his touch forever imprinted on her skin, or upon her heart.

She knew, at that moment, as Sanemi’s grunts turned into loud, unrestrained moans as he bucked wildly into her, that running from him had always been futile, because she’d only ever been running in circles, only to find herself as she was then, right back on her knees before him, utterly his.

The difference was, she realized as he gave one last mighty push of his hips up into her still-spasming core, his seed shooting into her with blinding force, as a strangled shout-cry tore from his throat and his fingers seized around hers against his chest, that he’d been running in the same circle, too, just in the opposite direction. But now they’d run out of track to tread, and he’d smacked right into her, knocking both of them off their axes, stumbling and spinning together until they’d finally hit the ground, with only each other to face and nowhere else to run; and she was tired of running, anyways.

Because she knew, as Sanemi’s hips finally stilled against hers and she collapsed against his chest and he on the bed, leaking cock still nestled between her legs, that she loved him.

She loved him.

She loved him.

-----

Neither of them spoke for a long while, both panting hard as they caught their breaths.

“You said you think I’m possessive — maybe I am,” Sanemi said after a long moment, as the two came down from their mutual highs. “But it’s because I want to be yours. I’ve always been yours.”

He paused before continuing, his arms around her tightening. But when he spoke again, his voice was perceptibly softer, more timid, as though afraid of her rejection. “And I want you to be mine, too.” 

Let him into your heart, and he will gladly give you his.

Y/N’s hand found his at her waist, and gently, she removed it. As she brushed her lips over the calloused pads, always so soft whenever they touched her, she lifted her gaze to his.

“You are mine,” she repeated softly, before moving his hand to press against the valley between her breasts, where her heart beat strong against her sternum. “And this has always belonged to you.”

Sanemi’s cheeks burned red as he bent to graze her lips with his, his hand still pressed against her chest. So innocent and chaste was the kiss that it was easy to forget that his cock remained buried within her, his seed still gathering on the sheets beneath them as it trickled from her.

Sanemi’s thumb stroked the skin of her sternum absentmindedly. “What comes next, Y/N?” He murmured, his eyes tracing over the features of her face as she rested her cheek against his bicep. “What do you want this to be – what would make you happiest?”

Y/N thought for a moment and weighed all of the emotions that had sat heavily in her chest for the past two days – the past two years – untangling each knot and snarl that had formed to obstruct the heart of her true desire.

When she spoke, her voice was as soft as a feather.

“I want to be with you. I’ve only ever wanted to be with you. That hasn’t changed.”

Sanemi’s eyes widened with a hope she knew he’d not dare let himself feel ever since their fateful reunion at the Kizuki. “So you’ll stay? With me?”

Y/N’s answering smile was wide as she leaned up to brush a gentle kiss against his lips. “Yes, ‘Nemi. I will stay.”

And for the first time in two years, Y/N felt just as hopeful as him.

“Can I kiss you again?” Sanemi breathed, staring down at her in awe, as though he could not believe that she was real, despite having just had her in the most real way he could have.

Y/N didn’t answer, instead raising her lips to his, as she threaded her fingers through his hair to hold him close to her. Sanemi responded with a soft groan and pressed himself into her. His cock began to twitch to life within her once more as her tongue slid into his eager mouth, gliding alongside his own.

She moaned into his mouth as he began to roll into her, her legs falling to the side to accommodate his body as he settled himself between her thighs. But Sanemi’s warm, rough hands slid underneath her backside and shifted her to lay on her side next to him, her chest pressed flush against his as he began to rock gently into her.

Y/N lifted her leg so that it wrapped around his hips, and Sanemi groaned, one of his steel-like arms wrapping under her upper thigh to hold it in place. “That’s my girl,” he murmured, his lips trailing along the underside of her jaw and down her throat. “Just focus on me, baby.”

The hand of the arm gripping her thigh moved to splay across her backside, pushing her against him as he rolled into her. A cracked moan broke from her throat as Sanemi began to massage her cheek in time with the slow, languid pump of his cock into her, the walls of her cunt tightening around him.

They continued to rock into one another like that, softly groaning and gasping every time Sanemi’s hips stuttered against hers, or every time Y/N’s nails sunk harder into the muscular slope of his back, so lost in the feel of the other’s body that Y/N was sure she did not know where she ended, and he began.

“Sanemi,” she cried, because the feeling of him this close, of him being this gentle, was so overwhelming to her because it was more than just fucking. This was them, raw, and unguarded, moving imperfectly against one another and letting their bodies speak in the words their mouths had not.

“It’s okay, baby, I’m here. I’m right here,” he promised, his lips brushing against hers once, twice. His arm tightened around where it gripped her upper thigh, hand splayed across her backside, as he rocked harder into her, both of their ends rapidly approaching. “I’ve got you.”

Y/N pressed her lips desperately against his, needing him to soothe the ache that grew in her core as she drew near the summit of her pleasure. She hitched her leg higher up on his hip to allow him to push deeper into her, and her eyes rolled into the back of her head as she felt Sanemi’s balls begin to tap against the curve of her backside as he picked up his speed.

“Come with me,” Sanemi grit out, his brow pinched as he stifled another groan. Y/N chased a bead of sweat as it rolled down his neck, mewling in agreement as she tugged him closer, pressing her chest flush against his.

“I’m close – fuck, I’m close,” Sanemi gasped, his lips crashing down against hers, his teeth tugging at her lip before he pulled away. “Are you?”

Y/N nodded desperately, as a long, high-pitched whine tore from her throat. “I wanna cum – ah – Sanemi, please, I want to cum.”

Sanemi’s hurried thrusts up into her melted into rutting, as his thick length hardly slid out of her sopping and spent heat. “Eyes on me, baby,” he managed, his fingers digging into the plush of her ass as he began to twitch inside her – a sure sign he was mere seconds from his peak.

With great effort, Y/N opened her eyes and met those violet eyes that she loved so dearly, and Y/N’s climax slammed into her with a force that had her crying out. She was the rough, coarse wave that crashed and broke around the steady rock that was Sanemi.

His free hand fumbled for hers, bringing it close against his chest, fingers tightly locked together. Her eyes still locked with his, Sanemi’s soft grunts turned to loud, wanton moans, his thrusts sloppy and jerky, as he came in time with Y/N, filling her with his hot, thick seed until it spilled over where they were connected, staining the sheets beneath them.

Sanemi did not stop pumping into her, could not, as he continued to unload within her, the hand on her ass locking her against him as his hips finally stilled against her with a final, strained cry of her name.

He collapsed against her, his full weight bearing down on her as they struggled to catch their breath. After a few moments, Sanemi shifted like he was going to pull out of her and away, but Y/N whined in protest.

“’Nemi,” Y/N panted, her arms locking around his back and holding him to her as she circled her hips against his, Sanemi hissing as she began to overstimulate him. “Please, can we stay like this for just a little longer?”

She hardly recognized the breathy, needy tone with which she spoke. For so long, she’d denied herself of any intimacy with him that extended beyond allowing him to cum in her, always pulling away and fumbling for her clothes the second his climax ended. But now, Y/N could not bear the thought of tearing herself away from him, because she belonged to him, and he finally belonged to her.

Sanemi’s hands dug into her waist as his head dropped into the crook of her shoulder to bury his face into her skin. She felt him inhale deeply, as though she was the air he needed to breath, and he nodded, apparently unable to form any words as he came down from his high.

After a few, quiet moments, the air around them only occasionally disturbed by the sound of their breathing, Sanemi answered her. “I will always want you to stay.”

-----

Y/N did not remember the last time she’d slept more peacefully than she did that night wrapped in Sanemi’s arms.

When the bright light of the sun finally broke through the gossamer-like curtains hung on the guest room window, Y/N sleepily blinked herself awake, turning to bury her face into the mattress to hide away from the bright, unrelenting light of morning. But what lay beneath her cheek was not the feather-plush soft of the luxurious mattresses the Uzuis had in every room of their summer home; it was rocky, hard muscle covered by warm, scar-speckled skin that made up the man she loved with every fiber of her being.

Sanemi groaned as he felt her face press against his upper abdomen, his hand raising to caress up her spine as he drew his other arm over his eyes to block out the sun. “’S too early,” he protested, drawing a light chuckle from Y/N.

“We have to leave soon,” she whispered, pressing a kiss against the rigid plane of his abdomen before trailing her lips down to where his cock was already beginning to stir. “Let’s at least enjoy the morning.”

Sanemi did not protest as she ducked beneath the covers to take him into her mouth, sighing happily as his hands softly stroked her hair while she bobbed up and down his length. Sanemi, however, was too impatient to feel Y/N’s walls around him once more, and lasted only a minute before he tugged her up his torso and sank her down onto him, his face buried into her neck as his teeth bit into the sensitive skin of her throat.

Y/N spent the remainder of their morning fucking herself once more on Sanemi’s stiff length, relishing the way his broad hands slid under her thighs as she rode him to lift them up so he could watch himself thrust up into her, admiring the way his cock glistened with the pleasure he helped to give her.

A couple of hours later, the group of friends loaded up their respective cars, Tengen and Obanai grumbling under the bright light of day as both fought of their mutual hangovers from the previous night’s inhibitions.

Though Y/N was set to ride with Mitsuri and Sanemi with the boys, neither of them could conceal the small, contented smiles they bore as they loaded their bags into the trunks of their cars, the pair occasionally sneaking a furtive glance at the other, smiles only broadening as their eyes met.

Just before Y/N opened the passenger door of Mitsuri’s vintage Volkswagen, she felt a pair of fingers, rough yet warm and familiar, brush shyly against her own.

“Text me when you guys get back, okay?” Sanemi murmured. On the other side of the car, Mitsuri’s jaw fell open, and her jade eyes gleamed with poorly-concealed excitement.

Y/N closed her hand around his and jerked him down, muffling his grunt of surprise as her lips met his. “I will.” She said as she released him, Sanemi’s cheeks turning pink as he grinned back at her. His hand closed around hers where it rested on the door handle of Mitsuri’s car, and pulled it open, holding it for her as she turned and lowered herself into the passenger seat.

Mitsuri practically tripped over herself as she scrambled into the driver’s seat, though she restrained herself from squealing until the door was shut safely behind her. Keys turning in the ignition, the pink-haired girl turned to her best friend, nearly vibrating with excitement.

“Tell me everything. Now.”

Y/N laughed as the pinkette pulled out of the manicured driveway of the Uzuis’ lake house, and she began to fill her friend in on everything that had changed between her and her childhood best friend.

-----

The lightness that Y/N felt leaving the lake house lasted the entire drive back home with Mitsuri in the latter’s car, her chest feeling full and warm as the two scream-sang along to every song on Mitsuri’s playlist.

The sun was nearly setting by the time the pinkette parked her car in front of their apartment building, the pair having stopped to grab sushi for dinner for themselves. As the two exited Mitsuri’s car, Y/N noted Shinobu’s small, purple sports car parked at the far end of the lot and smiled to herself, knowing her friend was home, where they could talk. As they’d picked up their to-go order from the sushi restaurant down the street, Y/N had made the last-minute decision to grab one of Shinobu’s favorite rolls, having resolved to talk to her other roommate and work things out between them.

Not that there was truly anything for them to work out – Y/N had concluded she didn’t blame her friend for what had happened; Y/N had made her own choices, as had Douma.

The pair of best friends giggled as they walked up the steps to their apartment, takeout bags in hand, ready for a night of relaxing on the couch with sushi, some facemasks, and trashy reality television. Y/N’s key unlocked the front door, which swung open to a darkened apartment. Her fingers flipped the kitchen light on and the sushi bag in her hands dropped to the floor.

For there, sprawled on the linoleum by the kitchen counter in a puddle of her own vomit and blood, was Shinobu.

She wasn’t moving; it was hard to tell if she was breathing.

Everything seemed to slow down and speed up all at once. One moment, the two young women were laughing and talking as they returned from a life-changing weekend at the lake, and the next, Mitsuri was screaming while Y/N heard nothing but the strong roar of panic echoing in her ears. 

“Call an ambulance!” Y/N managed to bite out at her hyperventilating friend as she dropped to her knees beside her unconscious roommate, her hands shaking as she tried to feel for a pulse. “Mitsuri!”

As the pinkette scrambled for her phone, Y/N took note of the odd violet hue of Shinobu’s vomit and the sickly-sweet scent of flowers and synthetic fruit.

With trembling hands, Y/N brushed back a strand of her friend’s inky-violet hair that had fallen in front of her face. There, mixed within the dried blood beneath Shinobu’s nostrils, was the faintest trace of lilac.

Wisteria.

Over the roaring in her ears, Y/N vaguely heard Mitsuri crying into the phone with the emergency dispatch operator.

“She’s twenty,” Mitsuri sobbed. “We don’t know what happened, but it might’ve been an overdose. But there’s blood, too.”

Her pink-haired friend was right; there was an alarming amount of blood, dark and sticky, that had pooled beneath Shinobu’s head. Y/N suspected she’d hit her head on the edge of the counter, either because she’d tripped or because she’d passed out and hadn’t been able to catch herself, but Y/N couldn’t tell where the wound was, and she was too afraid to risk moving her friend’s head and worsening her injuries.

“Is she breathing?” It took a moment for Y/N to register that Mitsuri’s question was directed at her. “Y/N is she breathing?” 

“I don’t know,” she whispered, “I don’t know, Mitsuri.” And, because she was panicked and scared, and utterly useless, Y/N began to cry. “I can’t tell; my hands won’t stop shaking.”

“I can’t tell.”

-----

Half an hour later, Y/N stood against the wall of the small waiting area in the emergency room, leg bouncing in agitation and anxiety. Beside her, Mitsuri sat with her head in her hands as the two waited for any news as to their friend’s condition.

The outer doors to the emergency room slid open and the girls were joined by Hinatsuru, Makio, and Suma, the latter of whom was crying softly to herself. A few moments later, Obanai arrived, face severe, aiming straight for the pinkette as he crouched before her, covering the hands she had buried in her hair with his own and pressing a kiss to the crown of her head. 

The waiting room had become too crowded for Y/N’s frazzled nerves to handle. She tore herself from the wall against which she had been fixed, opting instead to pace the hallway between the waiting area and the main hospital. Makio may have called her name, but the roaring in Y/N’s head had become too loud, the jitter under her skin too incessant, for her to remain still in the waiting room a second longer. 

Y/N finally exhausted herself enough to slump back against the wall, the passing sounds and beeps of the hospital only faint echoes in her ears. But then there were thunderous footsteps walking quickly toward her, and Y/N’s eyes lifted just in time to see Sanemi’s stormy face as he reached for her. 

He crushed her against him, one hand buried in her hair as his other arm wrapped around her waist, holding her to him as though he needed to assure himself that she was real and there, and not the one getting her stomach pumped on the other side of the sealed emergency room doors. 

His lips pressed hard against the top of her head, Sanemi inhaling deeply before pulling back from her, his hand rising to cup beneath Y/N’s jaw so he could tilt her face up toward him, those lilac eyes scanning her frantically for any sign of external injury.

“I didn’t know,” he said hoarsely against the crown of her head as he pulled her back against him. “Tengen called -- only said an ambulance was being sent to your apartment – that a twenty-year-old woman had overdosed.” 

Y/N shook her head against his chest, breathing in his comforting scent and allowing it to still the jitters crawling beneath her skin. “I haven’t used in a week, Sanemi.” 

Her – boyfriend? paramour? exhaled shakily, his arms tightening around her. “I was scared. After last night, I-” Sanemi swallowed thickly. “I was worried you regretted it.” 

Y/N closed her eyes as she let herself melt against his stabilizing warmth. “Not you,” she murmured, “Never you.”

-----

An hour later, Y/N stood in her kitchen, chest heaving as she looked at the wreckage of Shinobu’s bender scattered around her.

There was an empty bottle of peach vodka lying on its side on the floor. Lilac residue was smeared on the kitchen counter, likely the result of Shinobu having snorted it the night before. A puddle of her vomit, streaked with purple, still lingered where the petite woman had lost consciousness. 

Sanemi came around the kitchen counter, his hand resting at the small of Y/N’s back as he guided her away from the cabinet below. He bent to pull out a bottle of bleach and a roll of paper towels, as well as a pair of cleaning gloves that he pulled over his scarred, callused hands, and he set to work scrubbing at the floor. 

Y/N watched him for a long moment before she moved to begin rounding up all of the bottles of liquor and wine that had been stashed in their apartment. One by one, she dumped their contents into the sink and chucked the empty containers into the garbage.

Next, Y/N gathered up all traces of Shinobu’s Wisteria from their various stash spots around the apartment. It had taken her a while to hunt through pharmacology student’s room, given that the young woman had become rather adept at squirreling away those poisonous little pills. Over the course of an hour, Y/N had managed to locate every little baggie and loose pill shoved under her friend’s mattress, tucked into her sock drawer, and slotted between pages of textbooks she’d never opened. 

She’d stood over the toilet where she’d flushed them for a long while after the last of those lilac devils had swirled down the drain. It was not until a pair of warm, comforting arms encircled her from behind that Y/N was aware of the tears slipping hot and fast down her cheeks. 

Sanemi pressed a soft kiss into the back of her neck as she cried, allowing her to press her face into his muscled forearm until her sobs had quieted, before he turned her around. He’d kept one hand on her shoulder as he leaned to tug her shower curtain open and turn the water on, before returning to her. Slowly, and with more gentleness than Y/N thought she deserved, Sanemi began to undress her, chucking her vomit and sweat-stained clothes into her laundry bin before helping her into the shower.

Y/N stood numbly under the hot spray of the water as she waited, the sounds of Sanemi’s belt and pants hitting the cold tile of the floor before he parted the curtain and stepped into the bathtub with her. 

The moment he’d re-oriented the shower curtain to close them in, Y/N melted against him. Sanemi’s hands came to her waist, gently turning her so that her back was to him, as though he knew she was losing the battle against the weariness that had seeped into her bones. His arms locked tightly around her, he guided them to sit on the floor of the bathtub. He situated Y/N between his legs, her back resting against his chest. One arm was wrapped around her upper shoulders, holding her to him, as the other wound around her waist from behind, gripping her hand in his. His lips found the juncture between her shoulder and neck, brushing softly against her wet skin once before he buried his face there and held her, as the hot water beat down upon them. 

They stayed like that until Y/N could no longer tell whether the water on her face was from her tears or the spray of the shower nozzle above. 

Only after the water had begun to cool and their fingers had turned wrinkled did Sanemi help her stand, reaching behind her to shut the shower off. 

Sanemi stepped out first, grabbing a towel from where it hung on the back of her bathroom door, to secure around his waist. He then produced two more from Y/N’s bathroom closet – her two fluffiest – and held them under his arm as he used his free hand to help Y/N out of her shower to stand on her bathmat.

Had she’d any tears left, Y/N was certain they would have been shed as Sanemi gently toweled her hair and body try before he scooped her up and carried her to her bedroom.

Sanemi set her carefully on the edge of her bed before leaving to return to her bathroom once more. Y/N’s eyes were fixed blankly on the carpeted floor of her room, her mind blank and that howling numbness that had become her constant companion over the last two months threatening to swallow her whole once more. She barely registered Sanemi’s return to her room until he, in all of his shower-dampened glory, knelt at her feet, with a bottle of her favorite lotion in hand.

Wordlessly, Sanemi pumped some of the lotion into his hand and began to gently massage it into her skin, starting at her feet and working his way up her legs. Once he’d reached the tops of her thighs, he repeated the action once more, carefully taking the time to ensure that he worked the lotion on every part of her body. With every stroke of his hand against her skin, Sanemi chased away that encroaching numbness, replacing it with the warmth of his adoration and love for her.

“Have you eaten today?” Sanemi’s voice broke the comfortable silence that had settled over them.

Y/N shook her head. “But I’m not hungry – really,” She urged as Sanemi opened his mouth in protest. “Can we just – just lay here?” She patted the soft down of her bed, motioning for him to join her.

Sanemi nodded, rising to turn towards her dresser to pull out a pair of underwear for her and digging out a pair of briefs of his that he’d let her borrow as pair of shorts after one of their earlier trysts.

Once both had pulled their respective pairs of underwear on, Sanemi squeezed himself into the small crevice between her twin bed and her bedroom wall and held out his arm in an invitation that Y/N did not hesitate to accept.

She curled against his bare chest, warm against her own naked skin, and wrapped her arms around him, holding him close as she sighed deeply, inhaling his scent and allowing it to wash over her, and still her mind.

Sanemi’s hands absentmindedly stroked her hair, his lips periodically pressing against her hairline as she began to doze in his arms. Just before the exhaustion commanded her to fall into sleep’s embrace, she spoke.

“I meant what I said earlier – I haven’t used Wisteria in over a week. I stopped drinking. I’m done, Sanemi. I swear it.”

Her face was pressed against his pectoral, so she did not see the tears of quiet, exhausted relief that filled his eyes as he pressed his lips against her forehead once more. “I know. Kyo mentioned on the way back that you’d been dealing with withdrawal for the last week. That it was why you weren’t answering your phone.”

Sanemi’s arms tightened around her as she began to drift off. “I’m proud of you, Y/N.” And then, he added in a voice so quiet that she almost didn’t hear it before sleep’s sweet lull pulled her under. “Thank you for choosing to stay.”

-----

She slept soundly through the night once more, until Sanemi awoke her in the early hours of the morning with his head between her legs, Y/N gaining consciousness just in time to come on his tongue. In the throes of her climax, Sanemi replaced its position at her entrance with his fingers as he dragged it up her messy folds so he could suckle at her clit.

Sleepily, Y/N clawed at his back, an impatient demand for more falling in the form of a whine from her lips, and Sanemi complied. He turned her onto her stomach and his cock found its way between her thighs as he began to fuck her from behind, his hips setting a leisurely pace as they slapped against her ass, Y/N’s soft moans only growing in their vibrato as he brought her to orgasm yet again, his warmth flooding her shortly after as he sighed her name.

They remained in bed for another few hours, talking and holding one another, trading lazy kisses and gentle caresses because they could not get enough of touching each other like they were right then – soft and meaningful, because Y/N and Sanemi were now a them, rather than two people who alternated running from the other.

Sanemi, it seemed, especially couldn’t keep his hands off her, which she found amusing, given that as children, Y/N was always the one who initiated any kind of affection with him, though she suspected that his begrudging acceptance of it had really been a front to conceal his true feelings.

His hand was smoothing up and down her bare thigh as she stroked his hair, his eyelids fluttering shut against her touch, when his phone rang from its place on her nightstand.  Groaning, Sanemi blindly felt for the buzzing device, answering it only with a grunt as he kept his eyes locked on her, his hand still gliding up and down her shin.

His brow furrowed in seriousness, and he nodded, as though whomever was on the other end could actually see him, before he muttered a soft, “thanks, man,” and clicked the phone off, tossing it back onto her covers.

“That was Iguro. Shinobu is awake, and they’re allowing visitors.” His eyes were full of a quiet concern as he regarded her gently. “Are you okay to go right now?”

Y/N was already making her way out of bed, nodding. Of course she was okay to go – she needed to go, needed to assure for herself that her friend was awake and knew she was supported.

She dressed quickly, donning only a matching black workout set and sneakers before pulling a jacket over her bare shoulders. Sanemi merely tugged on the clothes he'd worn the day before.

“I’ll stop at my place on the way back,” he added, a faint blush coloring his cheeks. “If you want me to stay again tonight, that is,”

Y/N turned away so he wouldn’t see the small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth as she quieted a laugh, so as not to make him feel embarrassed. “I want you to stay.”

Sanemi drove them, though he kept his hand firmly locked around hers the entire ride. Ever since they’d began their physical relationship back at the start of the summer, she’d been adamant that she wouldn’t allow herself to accept any affection from him if he didn’t have his cock buried inside of her while he gave it. It seemed too risky at the time, as though allowing him to care for her would blur some line she insisted had already been drawn, even though she’d been the one to hold the stick marking the ground.

Now, in hindsight, she couldn’t believe she’d denied herself of his intimacy for so long – not when it felt this good to have his steadying, grounding warmth wrapped firmly around her hand, his thumb running over her knuckles as he smoothly worked the steering wheel with his free hand.

This -- whatever this was. It was good.

-----

By the time Sanemi drove them back to her apartment, the evening sky was beginning to shift from a pale blue to a creamy orange, the sun beginning its descent towards sleep for the night.

Y/N, herself, felt an exhaustion so heavy, she wondered whether it had infiltrated the marrow of her bones. Her head ached slightly after a solid hour of crying with Shinobu, the latter offering apology after apology as Y/N held her trembling form close, shushing her with assurances that she’d never blamed the pixie-like girl for what Douma had chosen to do just a few weeks earlier.

Shinobu had confessed she hadn’t been trying to harm herself – not really, anyways. Rather, she’d been so overcome by her guilt and self-loathing that she’d stopped keeping track of just how much alcohol she’d been drinking or how much of her accursed Wisteria she’d been ingesting. The cut on the side of her forehead truly hadn’t been that deep, but it had been the result of a fall she couldn’t break, just as Y/N expected.

Y/N had sat, curled beside her roommate and dear friend, for another couple of hours, until Giyuu materialized in the doorway, deep-set shadows under his eyes and breathing hard, as he took in Shinobu’s vulnerable form, hooked up to various hospital machines, with a thick bandage wrapped around her head.

Y/N had quietly untangled herself from her friend and quietly exited the room, patting Giyuu’s shoulder as she passed him, though the ravenette did not acknowledge her, far too focused on his crying girlfriend as he wrapped her in his arms and held her tightly against his chest.

As they’d walked back to his car, Sanemi told her that Giyuu had driven straight through the night from his sister’s the moment he’d received word of Shinobu’s condition, too frantic to be by her side to even stop for food or rest.

Sanemi swung by his apartment, as he promised, and emerged a few minutes later with a bag full of his clothes and toiletries before he drove the rest of the short drive back to her shared apartment with Mitsuri and Shinobu. Her best friend, however, had decided to stay over at Obanai’s, and given that her other roommate was unlikely to be discharged before the following day, Y/N and Sanemi had her apartment to themselves once again.

After a dinner of vegetable omlettes, prepared by Sanemi, the pair fell back into Y/N’s tiny twin bed, both exhausted from the excitement and stress of the previous four days. Y/N, in particular, had felt more emotionally zapped than she had in a long while, having spent the majority of the holiday weekend crying for one reason or another, and wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of her evening wrapped securely in Sanemi’s arms as she listened to his heartbeat lull her to sleep.

She’d stripped herself of her clothes, leaving herself in only her thong, as she pressed herself against Sanemi’s bare chest. Sanemi, however, could sense her weariness, and so they did no more than kiss every now and then, both merely content to simply hold the other and bask in their shared warmth.

“Thank you for being here for me – yesterday and today,” Y/N murmured quietly, her lips grazing his collarbone.

Sanemi’s fingers brushed under her chin as he tilted her face up to meet her eyes. “I told you already, I’m all in. Whatever it is you want from me, I’ll be it.”

Y/N smiled wryly at him as her eyes roamed his face in consideration. “So, does that mean we’re official? Are we boyfriend-girlfriend?”

His responding smirk made her thighs squeeze together as he leaned in close to her face. “You can call me whatever you want, baby,” he kissed her nose before lowering his lips to hers, though he held back, teasingly. “And for however long as you want.”

She giggled as he kissed her and it felt like coming home, and Y/N couldn’t remember the last time she felt like she’d had one of those.

He broke away from her after a moment, hand coming to a rest against the side of her head while his thumb stroked her cheek, a profundity creeping into his eyes.

“I love you, Y/N. With all my heart.”

Y/N thought her heart would fly out of her chest as Sanemi repeated the words she’d uttered to him nearly two years prior. She thought hearing them would cause her to clam up, that they would send her careening back to the dark, lonely hole she’d spent the last half of her university experience trying desperately to claw out of, but they did not.

Instead, Sanemi’s words – her words – mended something within her that she’d long thought to have been irreparably broken. There was no emptiness left in her, no gnawing wound; it had been healed by him and his earnestness, and she only felt her love for him. Love that made her feel pretty, soft, and new, mending her broken heart with its golden light.

“I never stopped loving you,” Y/N’s voice grew thick with the tears that filled her eyes. “Please know that. No matter how mad I was, no matter how low I felt, I always knew I loved you – and I still do.”

Sanemi’s answering grin was so beautiful, so bright, that she wondered why she’d waited so long after making up to say it. His smile made her feel as though she could soar through the sky, breathless and wild and free.

Once upon a time, she’d believed love was pretty; she imagined it would be soft, pink, and shiny and make her feel warm and pretty in return.

Then, as an adult, she realized that love was pretty, but not in the way she’d imagined it would be when she listened to stories of princesses and their knights as a little girl. Love was a blur of many hues, some soft and bright, but some dark and harsh too, melding together to create a kaleidoscope of light and shadows. And it was because of this phantasmagoria of joy and pain and laughter and sadness that love was so beautiful, and so worth fighting for, because in the end, finding herself in the arms of the only person she’d ever loved outweighed any of the heartache which preceded it, and it would be worth whatever heartache was sure to come.

Because loving Sanemi Shinazugawa was worth it all.

EPILOGUE – 2 months later

The sun was golden and bright and the air as crisp as an apple as the couple de-boarded their train at the small station in their hometown, hands clasped tightly together. The blazing heat of summer had quickly given way to October, and the autumn harvest brought with it a new tiding of ruby and ochre yellow leaves.

Y/N was grateful for the loose sweater she’d worn — stolen from Sanemi’s dresser one day several weeks earlier when she’d insisted she needed his scent to take back to her apartment with her, to help her get through the first wave of reading and papers she’d been slammed with. Initially, Sanemi had protested with a grumbled “fuck off,” as she’d tried to lay claim to his favorite sweater.

He’d change his tune rather quickly, however, when his girlfriend then donned the garment whilst giving him what he later called “the best head of his life.” And so, the worn, dark gray sweater had remained safely in Y/N’s care.

As the train doors slid shut behind them, Y/N took a deep, steadying breath, mentally preparing herself for the reason they’d risen early that Saturday morning to return to their sleepy hometown.

The gentle squeeze of Sanemi’s hand around hers as he brought their interlocked fingers to his mouth for a sweet kiss, helped abate some of her nerves and grounded her.

“You ready?” He murmured, his eyes warm and so full of love and concern for the woman beside him that Y/N felt her heart lurch.

She smiled at him, softly, and rose on her toes to press a chaste kiss against his lips. “I’m ready.”

The advantage of living in a small town — no more than a village, really — was that nearly everything was within walking distance, as long as one did not mind a few steep hills here and there. And so, the couple set off from their town’s small train station, towards the grocer to pick up flowers — two bouquets, one for each grave that marked the final resting spot for their loved ones.

Autumnal arrangements in hand, the pair walked in a comfortable silence up the hill leading to the cemetery.

“Genya’s with the rest of my family,” Sanemi said quietly as they passed the iron-gated entrance that gave way to the sprawl of headstones that lined the grassy hilltop. “They’re just over here.”

Y/N nodded, squeezing Sanemi’s hand in assurance as her boyfriend led her up a small trail to a row of graves gathered beneath an old willow tree.

When Sanemi had shared with her that he made this bi-weekly sojourn to visit and lay flowers on the graves of his family, Y/N had cried. She’d held him tightly, offering a litany of apologies for not being there for him more, for the fact he’d been doing it alone.

He wouldn’t hear of it, insisting that she hadn’t anything to apologize for, which only made her cry harder.

A hush fell over the pair as they drew up upon the Shinazugawa family graves, Y/N’s heart breaking a little more as her eyes scanned each name, the life spans etched into the stones far too short.

Wordlessly, Sanemi plucked a flower from the bouquet he carried and laid one at the base of each gravestone, repeating the process until no more flowers remained. Once the last flower was placed, just over Genya’s grave, Sanemi straightened, gripping Y/N’s hand tightly in his own as his other lifted to wipe at his eyes.

“He’d be over the moon, ya know, that we’re finally together,” Sanemi murmured, his voice hoarse with his grief, nodding at the last stone bearing the name of his beloved brother. “He used to give me all kinds of shit for not making a move sooner.”

“He always was wise beyond his years,” Y/N sniffed quietly, her own tears slipping freely down her cheeks. “He used to pester me about it, too – would always ask if I was single, and if I said ‘yes,’ he’d mention that you were also single.” She huffed a watery laugh as the image of the boy’s smiling face flashed through her memory. “Though, I think he did it more so to tease me, because I’d always turn as red as a tomato whenever he’d mention it.”

Sanemi smiled softly as he squeezed her hand. “It’s a family trait, I s’ppose.”

The couple remained at the site of Sanemi’s family’s graves for a little while longer, the last living Shinazugawa tucking his girlfriend tightly into his side as he held her close, her warmth helping to keep him anchored here, to life, rather than wishing he slumbered beneath the hardening ground with his family.

Eventually, they agreed to make their way toward the other grave that had drawn them there, Y/N taking a deep, steadying breath as she prepared herself to visit her mother’s final resting place for the first time since her death.

“I think the map said she’s over this way,” Y/N nodded at a small, winding path that led down a gentle hill to the south of the Shinazugawa plot. “I remember I wanted her over there by the walnut tree – she loved them in the autumn.”

Sanemi nodded and let her lead the way, her fingers clutching tightly around the bouquet in her hands as she drew nearer to the tree which marked her mother’s plot, her stomach twisting with anticipation.

Because she knew, the moment her eyes settled on the stone with her mother’s name and dates of birth and death, that reality would hit her all over again; but she persisted, for the sake of her mother, who’d loved her more than anything.

“Mr. Shinazugawa!” A voice called, and both looked over to see the old cemetery caretaker waving in greeting as the pair made their way towards the section where Y/N’s mother rest.

“Good morning, Mr. Urokodaki,” Sanemi answered, nodding respectfully in greeting. “I can’t believe they have you working on the weekends.”

The grandfatherly caretaker chuckled. “Only the departed sleep; I do not.” He shifted the rake he was holding from one hand to another as he wiped his brow.  “It’s been a few weeks since I last saw you!”

“School has kept me busy, sir.” Sanemi’s hand around hers squeezed and Y/N smiled softly.

“Well, I had a feeling I’d be seeing you soon, so I went ahead and cleared any leaves off Mrs. Y/L/N’s grave for you – and I took the liberty of clearing out the flowers you brought last time.”

Y/N’s breath died in her throat as she looked between the old man and her boyfriend, her eyes wide.

Mr. Urokodaki appeared to mistake her shock for confusion. “He’s such a kind lad, your friend!” The old man smiled warmly at Sanemi, before continuing his explanation to her. “He brings flowers not just for his family, but for a woman he knew growing up – like clockwork, every two weeks, for the last year. That’s why I was worried when he didn’t show up last week!”

Sanemi chuckled softly. “I’m back to the regular schedule now, sir!” And he bid the old caretaker farewell. He turned back to his girlfriend, but froze at the expression on her face, mouth slightly open and eyes as round as saucers.

“Y-you, you’ve b-been,” she stuttered, her eyes welling with tears as she began to shake.

Sanemi hesitantly reached for her, brushing her hair back behind her ear. “I’m sorry. I know I should’ve asked, first, but we weren’t talking yet, and I wanted to make sure --,” Sanemi’s explanation was cut off with a small mmph! as Y/N grabbed him by the collar of his jacket and hauled his mouth down to hers.

After a long moment, she broke away. “T-this whole time, ‘Nemi — you —,” Y/N could hardly speak through her tears. Sanemi’s arms wound tightly around her waist, locking her to him as she buried her face into his neck.

Her boyfriend’s lips found her side of her head and he smiled softly into her hair. “Tch, idiot,” he said, affectionately. “I told you already — there hasn’t been a single moment that’s gone by that I haven’t loved you.”

“And I loved her, too.” He added quietly after a moment.

Sanemi’s words only served to make her cry harder, her arms tightening around his neck as she poured every ounce of her love and gratitude into the force with which she hugged him tightly against her.

Y/N couldn’t stop herself from peppering his face with kisses, as Sanemi’s smile stretched wide across his face. The brilliance of his happiness was nearly blinding, but Y/N knew she would never desire to look away from it – from him.

Y/N pulled back to study his face, her hand coming to rest against the side that bore his scars, her thumb gently stroking the one that crossed his nose. “I love you,” she whispered. The tears still shone in her eyes, but beneath them lay a fierce sincerity. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

His lilac irises glimmered with his own emotion at her words, and his hand reached to intertwine with hers once more, the other lifting to brush the last, errant tear that escaped down her cheek.

“C’mon,” he said thickly after a moment, “Don’t wanna keep your Ma waiting.”

Cries. Thanks for reading!

[l1tw1ck]

Otherwise I'd have something more simple (?) for headcanons.

Imagine Kazuha, Ayato, Kaveh and Cyno as rapists/creeps. What would their go-to methods to prey on their victim be? As in, do they just pounce on sight, stalk them for a while or manipulate them?

(Idk how that works with requesting headcanons, I randomly picked these four, but if you have ideas for another character or only one of them, I'd like to hear them too, but you can also just... Ignore this, if this is bullshit)

-⛩️

Inside the Brain of a Creeper (not a minecraft reference)

bottom: Kaveh, Cyno, Kazuha, Ayato x top!gn reader

CW: Non-Con, Stalking, Just overall dark stuff

Kaveh

tw: non-con, manipulation, drugging, stockholm syndrome

♡ He would definitely go for the manipulation route and use his charms to woo you

♡ He'd get you comfortable with him and make sure you see only the best parts of him

♡ He plans to make you only have eyes for him. And by that, he means that he wants to be the only person you ever see

♡ He'll shower you with all the love he has, which is a lot, and make you fall for him

♡ Then, he'll invite you over to his house for dinner. He did a lot of not so great things to get his own house. He couldn't pull this off with Al Haitham as his roomate

♡ Unbeknownst to you, he drugged your food

♡ Once you pass out, he'll take you down to the basement and tie you up

♡ He'll keep you drugged constantly so your brain is more susceptible to his manipulation

♡ He'll whisper sweet words into your ear as he uses your body

♡ With the way he treats you, it's impossible for you to see him as a bad person

♡ And once you finally accept him and your new life, he'll allow you access to the rest of the house. You deserve to experience it, he bought it for you after all

"I love you." Kaveh sits on your lap, peppering you with kisses. You look at him hazily. You're barely there. You don't even remember your life before all this. "I love you too.." You murmur.

Cyno

cw: non-con, yandere, stalking

♡ He would stalk you, learn your routines, your schedule, your likes, your dislikes, etc. He'll learn everything he needs to know before approaching you

♡ Of course he'll occasionally visit you while you're gone or asleep. He might watch you sleep, give you oral, or masturbate to the sound of your heart beating

♡ He'll convince you that you coincidentally met someone who's practically your other half, someone who likes everything you like

♡ You'll grow to like him platonically and trust him. You'd never suspect that he'd do anything to you

♡ He'll weed out anybody who he deems a threat to you or your relationship. Anyone who crushes on you will be crushed

♡ He'll even steal your phone and distance you from all your friends so the only person you talk to is him

♡ Since your friends have mysteriously started to ghost you, you decided to spend more time with Cyno

♡ It's hard for him to keep his composure when he's around you. It's just so nice to be in your presence, to feel your warmth and smell you.

♡ After a while, everyone turned against the two of you. It became you and Cyno against the world, at least that's what he says

♡ You ended up falling for him. He's the only person who sees you for you and with the increased amount of closeness between you two, it was inevitable

♡ Once you confess, Cyno can't hold back anymore. He kisses you and strips you without even asking for permission. he doesn't listen to a word you say, he doesn't care if you want it or not. He's waited so long and now that you love him, there's nothing stopping him from doing this

"I love you too." Cyno grins. His expression gives you chills. You feel like a rabbit in the jaws of a wolf. He spent a long time watching you and he's finally taking his meal. He's so much stronger than you, you can't escape. You just have to let it happen.

Ayato

cw: non-con, oral, asphyxiation, abuse

♡ He fell for you at first sight and knew he had to have you. He was willing to do anything to get you

♡ He ruined your life. He fired you from your job and prevented you from getting any work. You had no one to turn to and he took advantage of that

♡ He offered you a job and you were so desperate that you agreed without question

♡ You thought everything would get better for you from then on. He allowed you to move into the estate since you lost your apartment and the pay was amazing

♡ He tricked you into thinking you were going to be his personal assistant. Little did you know, you wouldn't be assisting him with work

♡ He'd force you to eat him out and prevent you from moving away. You'd have to make him come twice in order to breathe again

♡ You'd become his stress reliever. His little toy to use as he pleases. Whatever he wants, you give it to him

♡ He loves having power over you and gets off on it.

♡ He likes to hurt you both physically and mentally. He'll slowly break your spirit and make you completely submissive

♡ He loves seeing the look of fear in your eyes when you do something he doesn't like. The expressions you make are almost enough to stop him from punishing you. Almost

Ayato tightens his grip around your throat. You slap his wrists desperately, rapidly losing air. "Beg for it." He grins. "Ple- please-" You struggle to speak with your throat constricted. "Ayato- stop, please- please-" Tears fall down your cheeks. He lets go of your throat, allowing you to breathe again. "What do you say?"

"Thank you- thank you so much.."

Kazuha

cw: yandere, murder

♡ He likes to stalk you. He enjoys just watching you live your life from a distance and likes to borrow a few things of yours from time to time

♡ He used to be content with just "watching over you" but then you decided to start looking for a partner

♡ He couldn't handle the idea of you loving, touching, and especially fucking someone other than him. He can't let anyone take you away from him

♡ He managed to steal your phone and figure out the password you use for your dating app. Whenever you plan to meet up with someone, they end up dead before the date

♡ You thought you kept getting stood up or ghosted and eventually gave up on it all

♡ After that, Kazuha decided he needed to claim you

♡ He'd sneak into your room while you're fast asleep and very slowly remove your clothes. He'd take a moment to admire you first since he's never seen you naked up close

♡ Then he'd finally do it. He'd kiss you and finally learn how the inside of your mouth feels. He could probably get off just by tongue kissing you

♡ And once he's semi satisfied with kissing you, he'd get naked as well and finally have sex with the love of his life

♡ On an inconsistent schedule, Kazuha would come and try out all the things he wanted to do with you. Of course some things require your consent but he'll get that to happen eventually

♡ You'd never be able to identify him and no matter how hard you try to prevent him from seeing you again, he'd always find a way to break in

♡ At some point you just gave in and let it happen. It felt good and it's not like he was going to hurt you anyway

♡ The look on Kazuha's face was almost creepy when you finally stopped fighting him

♡ A few nights after that, he decided to sleepover instead of leave like he always does. He hugged you as the two of you fell asleep and you even let him make you breakfast

♡ You're not sure why, but there's something stopping you from reporting him to the police

♡ You don't really know how it all happened but you ended up dating and Kazuha moved in with you

You wake up to Kazuha masturbating on top of your previously sleeping body. The look on his face sends chills down your spine. Even despite all you've been through with him, you're still scared of him. At least to a degree. It's clear he'd never hurt you but god the things he does are terrifying

[carolmunson]

baby, as if | flashbacks pt. 2

welcome back to the jungle, babes. baby as if: masterlist (read with caution.)

welcome to the second part of the flashbacks. here we see what happened, where the sour parts began. here, we semi-answer the questions for why he's like that. tw: 18+ (21+ preferred), p in v sex, drug use, references to violence, active violence (domestic and non-domestic), references to gun violence, references to violence with a switchblade, references to club going/getting lapdances, established couple arguing, verbal abuse, psychological abuse/gaslighting, screaming matches, etc. dead dove, do not eat. for a more extensive list of trigger warnings please look at the master list.

5 Years Ago

“Oh, fuck that’s it,” Eddie huffs, sweat making the underside of his hair curlier than normal against his neck, “Ride it juss – mmm, shit, just like that.” 

“S’good?” you whine out, eyes glassy and begging for a morsel of his praise. You both still had your clothes on, panties pushed to the side under your diner dress, jeans shoved down part way while he leaned back on the driver’s seat of the van – parked hidden away beyond the trees outside the diner parking lot. Your lunch break spent sucking him in between your thighs.

“Mmmfuckyes,” he hisses out, voice gravelly and deep, “Always so good, sweetheart. Fuck, this pussy’s all mine, isn’it?” 

“All yours,” you yelp while his palm comes down in a loud crack on the side of your ass, “S’yours.” “That’s right, s’all mine,” he whines, eyes rolling while your hips slap against his pelvis. His hips stutter upwards and still, fingertips sinking into your skin where he grabs you, “Shitshitshitshitshit.” “Ooh yes, cum for me, cum for me,” you gasp, riding him through his orgasm, only slightly lucid from your own moments before. He grins at your encouragement, brows pinching in the ecstasy of his aftershocks before he pulls you in to kiss him while you both come down. 

“Fuh-hu-hu-uck, I love you,” he whispers while he catches his breath, “I love you so much.” 

“I love you, too,” you smile into his neck, pressing yourself flush against his chest to hold him tighter. 

His palm grazes your back, a soft hum pouring from his chest before he presses a kiss to your shoulder, “You gotta get a new dress for the diner soon, honey. This one’s a little tight, don’t you think?” 

“You callin’ me fat, Ed?” you ask, abruptly leaning back from him. 

He laughs, shaking his head, “No sweetheart, not at all. M’just sayin’ it’s showing you off a little more than I’d like it to.”

“How else am I gonna get tips, handsome?” you wink. He lets his eyes roam over your for a moment.

He shrugs with the cock of his head, “When you’re right, you’re right, I guess.” 

Eddie leans in to kiss you again, one rough hand comes up to cup your cheek, “If things keep goin’ how they’re goin’ you won’t even need to work at the diner anymore, sweetheart.” 

“Yeah?” you mumble against his lips. 

“Yeah, I’ll be takin’ good care’a you,” he smirks, mouth pressing against your cheek, your jaw, your neck, “Keep you at home with a couple babies, far the fuck away from Indiana.” 

“Oh, I gotta stay home with the babies?” you giggle, “I can’t be an award winning journalist while you’re home with the kids?” 

“I can do that,” he laughs, nuzzling against your skin, “Be a stay at home dad, watch you be great.” You give each other a few more kisses – soft and gentle, “I’ll see you at ten, kay?” “Okay,” you whisper against his lips, crawling off of him over the console and getting in the passenger's seat so he can drive you back into the parking lot. You touch up your make up in the mirror while he watches, lower lip tucking between his teeth. “You’re too pretty,” he scolds, “Who said you could look so pretty like that?” “Shut up,” you laugh, dabbing your chapstick on with your finger. You give him a final peck on the cheek before getting out of the van altogether, “See you later.” 

Time ticks on at the diner and it’s a quiet night besides of the corner booths of your regular construction guys. You always take your time with them because they tip the best right after payday and even if you hate to admit it – they’re a little funny. They’re cute, too.

The grease and oil on their clothes smells like Eddie after a shift at the garage, smells like your dad’s coveralls. It’s what you expect men to smell like these days, never scrunching your nose the way some of the women do who walk by. “Who do you think’s winning Smackdown this season?” Bryan asks you in front of the guys. “Bry, you ask me something about WWE every time you’re here and every time I gotta tell you I have no clue what you’re talkin’ about,” you laugh, writing out the check and slipping it onto the table. “We gotta educate ya, girl,” the guys chime in, “Maybe one of these nights we can have the remote and put it on. We’ll tell you all about it.” “Over my boss’s dead body,” you roll your eyes, “No rush on the check fellas, let me know if you need anything else.” They always hang around late but you never mind too much, they don’t ask a lot and they never get too rowdy now matter how many beers they clear. Bryan and his closer work buddies have been coming around here since long before you were working behind the counter. He knows your birthday and you know his, you met his mom a couple of times, his grandparents twice. His daddy left when he was a kid, but his papa basically raised him. 

The bell on the door clinks and you can smell the acrid tobacco from the Camel’s Eddie smoked when the air whooshes in with him. He smiles at you, soft pink lips splitting his face when he sees you behind the shiney linoleum. Ten o’clock on the dot. You pour him a cup of coffee when he sits on the stool across from you. “How long you think it’s gonna take to close up tonight?” he asks, tossing a glance over at the group in the corner booths. His brows raise slightly before he brings his attention back to you: the smear of your mascara under your eyes, the slight dampness at your hairline – too pretty. “Should be ready to hit the road around eleven,” you pass him a couple of creamers and a sugar packet which he always ignores. Sandra tries not to get mad when you flirt instead of closing up.

He leans up on the stool, lips pulling in for a smooch. You oblige him every time, never realizing all the reasons he does it. He wants those boys to know you aren't on the market, well taken care of by a man with his budding reputation. Eddie Munson wasn't really someone you wanted to get on the bad side of, at least that's what people were saying in town under their chitters of day to day gossip. His posture stiffens when the guys get up to pay about a half hour later, when they make jokes with you, when they imply they'll see you tomorrow. Eddie's jaw clenches and releases, rolling his shoulders when they file outside to smoke their end of night cigarettes.

"Busy night?" he asks once the bell stops dinging. "A little," you shrug, you walk around the counter to clean up their table; smiling to see they've stacked everything together to make it easier to carry. "Good tips?" he asks. You nod, patting your apron while you disappear in the back, letting Peter know that was the last of the dishes. Eddie catches you when you reappear, closing in on a slow kiss. "Thought about you all day," he smiles, "Your dad was pissed, I dropped a wrench twice under the hood of some new customer's car." "Don't test him," you tease, "He's a hard ass." "I'm his favorite," he winks, "Gonna be his son one day, right? He can't hate me now." You start to count out the register, catching his eye in between the change of bills -- he winks each time, making your heart race. But your smile falls when you see his phone start to buzz on the table.

“Don’t get all pouty, it could just be Gare,” he says when he catches your change in expression. The soft breath out of his nose tells you enough. “M’sorry baby, I gotta go,” he says, one foot already hitting the white and black tile below him, “Big move over by Rick’s and they need extra support.” 

He leans over the counter again to give you a kiss, but your frown is evident. "How am I gonna get home, Ed?" you ask softly. "Aw, honey," he pouts, voice stuffy with baby talk, "M'so mean, huh? Why don't you call your dad? He'll come get you. Unless you wanna wait for me. I’ll be back in – I dunno, two hours tops. Come back a few G’s richer than I was before." "I'm not waiting around outside the diner until one in the morning," you sigh, reaching for your phone in your apron, "I'll figure something out." Your frustration is evident.

“C'mon, look'it me," he says softly, smiling when he meets your eye, "I’ll get you somethin’ pretty tomorrow." He leans forward to kiss you again – short little pecks, “Whatever.” Kiss. “You.” Kiss. “Want.” Kiss. “Don’t make this a regular thing,” you warn, crossing your arms and trying not to smile after the kissy assault. He nods, leaning in again to kiss you on the mouth more seriously than before. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” he says, gathering his keys and bouncing up off the stool, "Text me when you get home. I love you." “I know, handsome,” you nod.. He blushes at the name, you know it’s his favorite – he never really thought he was handsome before you came around to remind him all the time.

“Hey,” he pouts at you from the door, “Say it back.”  "I love you, too," you sing song, leaning on your elbow on the clean counter top. That's how it's been -- always with a promise of something pretty, of something new, of something he wants to see you in, to smell you in, to kiss you in. New shoes, new dress, new mascara, new lip gloss, new, new, new. But you were starting to miss the old Eddie who didn’t have to be on call all the time. Eddie, who'd be excited to see Beau at the shop, who wasn’t too tired from being with Rick and the boys, from making deals all night – from pushing bricks in different states.

When 11 hits you make your way out of the diner, your dad didn't answer your call -- both your parents and Beau fast asleep by now. You light a cigarette, seeing the headlights of a car turn on in the dark parking lot headed your way. "Hey, where's your man?" Bryan says from the driver's side, another friend in the passenger. "Had somethin' to do," you shrug, flicking your ash into the bush behind you. "I can give you a ride, if you want."

You weren't in any position to say no to a ride.

A few weeks pass and Eddie hasn't been able to drive you home from the diner at all these days. Date nights coming in a little farther and few in between. Even Beau had been asking where he'd been lately. But tonight it was just the two of you, back pack filled for a night over at his place. Movies snuggled up on his couch, two different kinds of pizza and the cinnasticks you liked so much -- extra iceing. You could barely stop smiling during your mid-shift, giggling at every text message, every smiley he sent your way.

You jump at the harsh sound of the horn outside, expecting him to come in and give your mom a hug like he usually does. He's idling outside of your family's house, knee bouncing and fingers tapping on the steering wheel. Hair tied up, bangs curly and over flowing on his forehead, damp with sweat. 

“Is that Ed, honey?” she calls from the kitchen, organizing pins back in her trusty tackle box of hair fixins that she keeps in the cabinets closer to her hair cutting chair.

“Yeah!” you yell back, shoving some essentials in your purse before running toward the door, “Um, I’ll probably see you tomorrow!” 

“Okay, tell him I said hi!” she offera while you head outside. He flashes his high beams at you, honking the horn again while you squint under the harsh bright lights. Your keys jingle in your hand while your sneakers sink into the mud from the summer rain, hurrying to open the door. 

“Hi handsome,” you smile, but he doesn’t look happy to see you, “You okay?” 

“Babe, what’re you wearing?” he asks while he looks you over, “We’re goin’ to the club.” 

You look him over, blackest black slim fit slacks, shoes shined, leather jacket newly conditioned while all the hardware glinted back at you in the light above him. You look down at your sweatshirt and jean shorts, your dirty sneakers, “Oh, um, I can go change.” 

He sighs, big and heavy, leaning his head back on the headrest,  “We don’t have time, I gotta meet Rick beforehand.” 

“You didn’t – you didn’t tell me. I thought we were just going to yours tonight,” you say, hoisting yourself into the passengers seat, “So don’t act all – I don’t know – fuckin’ exasperated with me for not dressin’ up.” 

He takes a deep breath through his mouth and out through his nose, eyes closing and fingers tightening on the wheel while you click your seatbelt into place, “M’not exasperated with you. But now I gotta leave you at Rick’s ‘cause I’m not gonna be late for this play just cause you don’t read your texts.”

Your furrow your brows at him, his tone feels clipped, sharpened – he was tense like a stretched elastic, waiting to snap, “You didn’t text me.” 

“Yes I did,” he huffs, pulling out of the driveway and onto the street, “Why don’t you check?” 

You do, even going as far to open your text conversation, his last message from the last hour in his shift: see u in two hours, qt :)

“It’s just from when you texted me from work,” you say, turning the screen toward him, “See?” 

He scans it, knee bouncing, fingers drumming, he swipes his hand under his bangs to push away the sweat, “You have bad service or something? Did you delete it?” 

“No, babe, I think you just didn’t press send,” you laugh lightly, “Unless you got some other bitches you were supposed to meet tonight.” 

His head had never whipped so fast around, “Why would you say somethin’ like that, hm?” he snaps, “What’s wrong with you?” 

“Ed, babe,” you say softly, “You serious? I was joking. It was just a slip up, I’ll hang at Rick’s.” 

“Well it’s not funny,” he says, leg bouncing so fast it shakes the van at the red light you’re stopped at, “I don’t like that shit.” 

Your heart sinks, watching the whites of his knuckles flex and relax on the wheel. Your suspicions might be right about why he was acting like this tonight, “You gonna kiss me hello, or no, Munson?” 

His shoulders slump, turning to you to lean in for a kiss, but you catch his eyes in the streetlights – pupils blown to block out his pretty brown irises. Your brows pinch and you reach out to hold his chin in your hand. 

“Wait – are you -- are you fucking tweaking right now?” you ask, the anger present on your face. 

“Stop it,” he sighs, rolling his eyes and dragging his face out of your grip to look back on the road, “I had a little blow, m’not tweaking.” 

“So you’re gonna do this play all revved up? Thought you weren’t ever gonna touch your own stash,” you snap. Eddie wasn’t innocent and you weren’t either, but he was always – always adamant on not touching what he sells. 

“I’ve been awake for two days,” he boredly explains, raising his voice to drown out your disappointment, “I needed a boost.”

He grabs your hand from your lap, pulling your knuckles up to his mouth to kiss them, “Don’t be mad, please?” 

“I’m not mad you just…you don’t have the right personality to be playing around with that shit,” You huff, savoring the feeling of his soft lips on your fingers. 

“M’not playing around with it, it was just for a boost,” he pleads in a whine. You stay glaring at the windshield while his thumb caresses your hand. 

“Baby…” he says sweetly, casting his hook, “Don’t be mad, baby girl. I’m sorry.”

Line. Sinker. You try not to grin but can’t help it, warmth pools through your body when he talks to you like that. He presses a kiss to your fingertips this time. 

“Do you love me?” he asks.  “Unfortunately,” you groan sarcastically. 

“I love you more,” he says, keeping your hand with his on his lap, “Love you the most.” 

You get to Rick's, hand in hand with your boyfriend while he guides you inside. To anyone else it would look like a party but the group was too small, it's what Eddie would call a gathering. He says his hellos and you say yours before Ed finds the man of the hour in the corner with Steve Harrington -- budding favorite dealer amongst Indiana's elite. "Harrington," Eddie nods, his arm skating around your waist. They nod at eachother mid conversation, you both wave. You try not to listen to whatever they're talking about, not wanting to get caught up in the stress. The smoke in the air burns your eyes against the neon pink light fixtures burning on the wall. You wonder where Rick ordered these one's from -- or stole them. Something. "Alright baby, I'm gonna head out with the guys but I'll be around later, alright? I'll come get you," he promises, pressing kisses on your cheek that offer you whispers of his cologne. It's not too long before a joint is perched between your lips, hearing the revs of cars and Steve's motorcycle outside, all headed to he same place. But Eddie didn't show up -- popped up two days later with a cross tattoo on one of his knuckles -- fresh. His eyes were dark, under eyes darker -- tense and overwhelmed -- but much richer than he was two days before. Not showing up became regular. Countless texts and calls of: ‘Sorry baby, things are running late.’ ‘Sorry baby, have to run some plays for Rick.’

‘Sorry baby, gotta go to Michigan with some of the guys.’

'Sorry baby, I'm just so tired.'

Bryan drove you home every shift for two months, ever since Eddie stopped coming by. Started spending his nights at clubs and bars to deal, ignoring your calls and texts for days on end.

You let Bryan start kissing you goodbye.

Four and a Half Years Ago

Eddie got another cross tattoo a month after his first, hunkering down and laying low for a while, especially now that his daddy was out of jail. No one liked Mack Munson the way they liked his son, not the same criminal he was. Mack did crime for sport, how far can you go? How many people can you hurt? How many envelopes can you push until you've pushed too many? He's normally out for a few months before he's back in again, but that's easy when you've got no where to go.

Eddie was different -- making a name for himself in all the right ways. Oh, a kid at the park's bike got stolen? Eddie got him a new one. Wayne's car broke down? He covered the cost to fix it. Mrs. Costner couldn't pay her heating bill? Don't worry, Eddie will be there with the cash before you can say 'hypothermia.' Even the cops were starting to let him slide if he could spare a few pills, a few ounces, a few dollars. It felt good to be bad if he could get some good out of it. Not that he was telling you anything, this was through the grapevine. Checking your phone to some of your friends with pictures of him at the club. 'This your man?'

Maybe.

He'd come see you sometimes at the diner, fresh and clean, nails shined and silver shinier. Eddie would look at you with those love sick eyes, watching you work in the overhead light. Your smile, your laugh, the way you hold one hand on your hip while you pour coffee. His phone would buzz and then he'd leave, sometimes without saying goodbye.

Your boyfriend, the ghost. Sex felt different when he offered it, he seemed distracted. You could've sworn you saw a girl's name pop up on the screen when he had a call come in but he'd flip it over before you were sure. Forehead to forehead, panting while he held your face in place to look at him. I love you, I love you, I love you. It was hollow, the dark blackness of his oversized pupils daring you to not say it back. You always did. How could you not?

Bryan was different -- he was long car rides and shared doughnuts. He always let you play your favotite songs on the radio. You weren't walking on egg shells, he liked when you bantered with his friends. There wasn't an underlying dread beneath every interaction the way it had become with Ed.

And Bryan's pupils always stayed the same size.

You aren't expecting to see Eddie's van outside the diner when you finish up your mid-day shift. The fall weather turned the sun down hours ago, but the night was still young and abuzz with life. You'd planned on going out since you had the weekened off, but it seemed like Eddie had different ideas for you.

He shoved the diner door open, looking disheveled and out touch, reeking of cigarettes he chainsmoked before he got in. "You done for the night?" he asks while you come around the corner of the counter with your jacket on. "Yeah, um -- why're you here? You didn't text me," you ask quietly, following him out into the crisp air. You wave your goodbyes through the newly repaired window to a dissapointed Sandra -- even if Eddie paid for the fix, she still didn't like that boy.

"We're goin' for a ride," he mumbles, "Gotta talk to you about somethin'."

You heart sinks and then hammers when you get in the passengers seat of the van. Fear floods through your veins, even overpowering your disappointment when you see a lipgloss in his cup holder that you know doesn't belong to you.

You take the moment that he's distracted from a phonecall with Gareth to text Bryan that you won't need a ride, shoving the phone in your pocket where he can't see. Eddie takes you to the lake where you both used to sit in talk in the summers when you were first getting to know each other. This visit didn't feel friendly in the same way, this time you knew he wasn't going to awkwardly reach for your hand or fumble over his wors like he used to.

“So you fucked some other guy?” he asks, flicking his cigarette into the lake, “You cheated on me?” 

“I – Eddie -- we've barely been seeing each other. You've been dodging for months,” you explain, “I thought we were done.” 

“Did I say that? Did I break up with you?” he snaps, “Cause I’m pretty sure your dad still thinks I’m your boyfriend. Pretty sure all the guys still think I’m your boyfriend. And now I look fuckin’ stupid ‘cause you’re goin’ around with some asshole.” 

You shook your head no, feeling his anger radiate off of him, so quick to find it these days, “M’not goin’ around with someone. We aren’t like, together or anything. He took me on a few dates, he drives me home, we kissed, we–” 

“You fucked him,” he spits, “And I know you did cause you can’t fuckin’ look me in the eyes. You at least owe me that much.” 

You reluctantly make eye contact with him, your reflection shining back in his wet angry gaze. You take a deep breath through your nose and out through your mouth shakily, “Yeah, I fucked him. At least he’s fucking around for me to fuck.” 

“Oh, s’that what this is?” he scoffs, “Not getting enough attention? God for-fuckin’-bid huh? God forbid I got shit to take care of so I can help out my uncle and get ‘im set up in an apartment. God forbid I start movin’ up the ranks so I can start making some more cash. And-and-and god fuckin’ forbid I take some different shifts at the garage so I can sleep in a little after being up all night tryna not get busted by Hopper and his fuckin’ pig brigade. So sorry I wasn’t comin’ home to you with flowers every night, I had to take care of some other shit. I mean Jesus Christ do you ever think about anyone but yourself?” 

Your eyes meet the earth again, watching the way your calves flexed and unflexed, the crease and re-crease of your sneakers. 

“You’ve been at the club, Ed,” you murmur quietly, “So you’re not so innocent either.” 

“At the club?!” he balks, “You mean sellin’ drugs at the club?” 

Your eyes burn with tears because he’s not hearing you, “You’re n-not just selling at the club. The girls’ve been showing me p-pictures. You’ve been hooking up there long before I started seeing Bryan.” 

He lights another cigarette, letting the smoke billow out into your face, “So his name’s Bryan, huh? Okay.” 

He takes a step toward you, sticks and wet grass crunching under his boots, “And what’s so great about Bryan, baby?” 

You swallow thickly, suddenly aware of his looming presence, how big he can make himself seem when he’s angry. He takes another crunching step towards you, only a foot between the ends of your sneakers and the tips of his Docs. You feel the smoke of his next drag kiss your face again, hear his arms cross over his t-shirt. 

“You forget how to talk, princess?” he bites. You shake your head no, matching his posture by crossing your arms over your chest. The straps of your tank top bite at your shoulders uner your jacket when you do, your bra straps pulling along with them. 

“He cares,” you say quietly, “He’s not…he’s not giving me up to go, I don’t know, have strippers dance on him so he can make a buck at a bar.” 

“He cares? Is that what you call it?” Eddie laughs bitterly, “So it wasn’t me caring about you when you’d call me every night from your dorm? Not me helpin’ watch your little brother when you needed to take an extra shift or two? Helping your mom with her errands? It’s not me caring when we’d drive out to the dunes cause you wanted to put your toes in the sand – you know how much money I lost that day?” 

Your eyes pool with tears when you remember that day, he’d tossed his phone in the trunk. Nothin’s as important as bein’ with my girl, baby.

“Buying you a new TV for Beau so he can play video games in his room and not bother your dad? Fuck, takin’ your dad out to lunch so we can talk about the future I want with you? But I don’t fuckin’ care? Askin’ him your ring size but I don’t fuckin’ care?!” his voice raises with every sentence. 

You wince when he shouts, not expecting the anger to be so explosive. His pupils are blown, but that was starting to become more expected than before.  He shakes his head, "You know what, babe? You're right. I don't fuckin' care. I don't fuckin' need you." Eddie tosses his cigarette to his feet, stomping it out. "Plenty of other pussy to keep me occupied, right?" he asks, head tilting when he looks at you, "Since that's who I am, huh? Didn't bother to ask me if I was fuckin' around did you?"

"S'not like you'd tell me the truth," you argue back quietly, voice meek while you hold back your tears. "Pffft," he scoffs, "Better watch that attitude on you, girl. You're gonna run that mouth to the wrong person one day. Not every guy is like me."

He crunches back toward the van, lingering his eyes on you while he stands at the open door on the drivers side. His face is pale in the light of the moon, eyes aching for you to say something. Almost yearning before he hardens again. "Bryan can pick you up, right?"

Four-ish/Three-ish Years Ago

Bry asked you to be his girlfriend two weeks after your fight with Eddie. Pulled out all the stops with that union money; good dinners, nights out on the town, all the boys knew how to do was drink beer and party. You finally started to understand WWE in a way you weren't sure you were supposed to, but it was as fun as it was ridiculous. Boys nights became boys nights plus you, the crowd favorite. Pulled in for soft kisses on football Sundays and baseball games, borrowed jackets if it got chilly. Eddie never let you wear his jacket. After a month you were sure that you'd made the right decision. The soft way he looked at you, his sandy hair, the callouses on his hands from a hard day of work. He was a good boy, good enough that Sandra made sure to give them discounts every time him and his friends came in. You only thought about Eddie when you'd run into him or that crew in town, cigarette between his full lips and a snarl to match.

Eddie didn't like to be made a fool of the way you'd made a fool of him. After another month, you barely thought about him anymore -- you had other things to worry about.

Bliss has its costs.

The first time Bryan hit you it was a blip in time, followed by a water fall of apologies. Before you noticed how much beer he was backing when he was out with the guys, why he started off so nice. You never saw him after he got too drunk -- angry and ruddy in the face. Stumbling into his apartment where you'd be there waiting for him. He stopped liking it when you'd joke around with his friends. He stopped liking it when you'd come to boys nights. He stopped letting you listen to your favorite songs in the car.

But when he was good, he was so, so good.

When he was bad, he was horrid.

Eventually, your parents noticed that you stopped coming around. You never showed up at the shop, stopped bringing Beau to and from camp and school. Your mama never saw you, you hardly came home. Your daddy would text you in the morning and ask if you’d be in the diner that night to get a glimpse of you. Bryan would snatch your phone at every incessant call.

“Why do your folks wanna talk to you all the time?” he’d ask, “Did you tell ‘em you wanna leave?” 

You got so many bouquets over the next five months you could open a flower shop or a funeral service. Either way, they were more often than not. The 'sorry's' never stopped coming and the bruising started to match. You went through concealer like the diner went through cooking grease -- opting to start wearing readers to work to detract from the caked up product on your cheeks, by your lips, on your throat. But no matter how bad it got your heart would soar at his smile, at his gentle touch, at the softness of his kiss. You knew now why it was so hard for all those other women to leave.

You started hearing stories about Eddie -- more erratic than he was before but somehow more beloved around his part of town. A violent type of Robinhood that you didn't want to cross. Gareth came by the diner one night when you had finally gone in, sitting across from you with a smile while you caught up on a slow Tuesday. Told you all about it, about him, about what was new with the guys. It felt nice, like old times -- a fondness in your chest blooming when you watched him leave.

Two days later, your phone buzzed in the darkness of Bryan's apartment -- RESTRICTED popping up on the screen. You didn't have to guess who it was; Gareth wasn't coming in for a late dinner. He was doing rounds. He was keeping tabs on you.

Bryan had passed out on the couch hours ago, the deep steadiness of his snoring echoing through the living room. You reach for your phone, tip-toeing to the back porch while you consider denying the call -- but you know he'll just keep calling. He hates being left in the dark.

You answer shakily, “Hello?” 

“Where are you?” you hear him ask in a low voice, menacing, “Sandra told me what’s goin’ on. Where are you? Now.” 

“Nothing’s goin’ on, Ed,” you say quietly.

“If nothings goin’ on then why’re you whisperin’, hm? You keepin’ quiet for what?” he challenges, “Are you at his house?” 

“I’m not telling you where I am.” “You think I won’t find you? I got eyes all over this place,” his laughs, “You don’t think if I tell Sandra I’m comin’ to save your ass she won’t give me your schedule?” 

“There’s a reason she doesn’t give it out to you,” you hiss, “It’s literally illegal. Can you stop your fuckin’ hero shit? You think you’re any better?”

“Hero shit?” he growls, “Your mama keeps calling me crying on the phone asking if I’d seen or heard from you at all. Your daddy hasn’t slept in days thinking maybe this asshole finally snapped your fuckin’ neck. You keep skippin’ out on shifts at the diner and you wanna shit on me for tryna help? Fuck outta here.” 

“I’m fine,” you say through gritted teeth, “Stop. Calling.” 

“And yeah, sweetheart, I do think I’m better,” his voice raises, blaring through the receiver, “When’d you ever hear that I’m beating on the bitches I take home? Who am I beating on? Don’t make shit up just ‘cause you wanna be stubborn.” 

"Fuck off," you hiss. "Why did Gareth tell me you got bruisin' everywhere, hm? Why did Sandra stop me the other night at Melvald's to tell me to call you? I know she doesn't like me, so it must be serious -- right?" he challenges.

"I have it under control," you growl. "Yeah?" his voice lilts, argumentative and ready to go, "Well fu--" "Who're you talkin' to?"

Bryan takes your phone before you can answer.

When you show up to your shift the next day Sandra can barely recognize you, tears welling up in her eyes when you come in the door.

You do your best not to meet her gaze, simply nodding when she asks 'Was it him?'

You woke up late, knowing you couldn't miss another day or the owner would fire you -- already on probation for all the work you've missed. Didn't have a chance to shower let alone do your makeup, not that you could bare to touch some of it.

The morning is slow, she let's you sit in the back and cry it out to Paul while he flips burgers and flap jacks on the grill. You prep, chopping up whatever he could have you chop, anything to keep you back with him unless Bryan thought it was a good time to show up with his buddies.

He passes you a lemonade and two Advil at noon, winking in the way grandfather's do when they know you've had a bad day.

"Here ya go, sugar," he smiles. You smile back, igorning the sting of the tear in your lip reopening at the gesture.

"Thanks, Paul."

The bell dings during another slow period and you smell Camels before you catch a familiar whiff of Creed Aventus.

"She's in the back," you hear Sandra mutter through the server window.

“Oh, girl, what did he do to you?” You know that smoky voice anywhere, it pours like ice down your back. “You can’t be here,” you shake your head, stepping away while he steps closer to you.

“Hey, look,” he starts with his hands up, soft and gentle, “Look, look. Sandra called me, I’m just coming to pick you up.” 

“I have to be here,” you assure, “I can't leave early, he's gonna know.” “That’s fine,” Eddie shrugs, “I’ll tell him you’re comin’ with me.” 

You shake your head no, “It’s fine Ed, I can handle this. Please just go home.” 

“I’m not doin’ this with you,” he shakes his head in response, gruffer this time, “This isn’t for me. Your folks, they – they miss you. Beau misses you. Asks me if I’ve seen you every time he’s at the shop. I can’t be lyin’ to Beau like that. Don’t you miss him? Don’t you miss your folks?” 

Your lower lip wobbles when you think about Beau, all the basketball games you missed for his youth league. The voicemails of him begging you to come.

"C'mon, Sandra said it's okay if you dip out early," he says, ecouraging you with caution -- like you're a feral cat about to run away, "Come with me, I'll take you back to his so we can get your stuff." "Eddie please," you beg, "Please don't get involved -- he'll get the cops on your back I --" "I'm not worried about cops," he chuckles, a knowing smirk flickering on his lips, "Get your jacket, come get in the van." "I can't..." you urge again, throat tight with a threatening cry. You turn around, back to your chopping, drowning out the blood pumping in your ears with the beat of the knife.

"You can, c'mon." You ignore him, feeling his eyes on you, narrowing down to burn holes in the back of your skull. He doesn't have the same patience he used to. You hear his soft sigh, the cross and uncross of his leather jacket, the tinkling of his chains and hardware.

"Baby..."

The dam breaks as his smooth honey voice; it had been so long since someone had called you that. Said it like that, so low and pretty, like he means it. You let out a choked sob when you feel his palm slide over your back and around your shoulder.

"Oh, baby, baby, come here," he whispers, pulling you into him while you fall apart. Tears streaming over the bruises on your cheek bone, the tear in your lip, over your jaw.

"Let's go get your stuff, okay?" he asks, rubbing your back against the polyester of your work dress -- you got a new one in a size too big when Bryan said he didn't like how your old one fit, "Come on, let's go get in my car."

"Prince of the trailer park," Bryan grits toward Ed when he knocks on the door, "To what do I owe this white trash surprise?" "Comin' to get her stuff," he respons nonchalantly, "You gonna let me in or what?"

"Her stuff?" Bryan asks, sick smirk sliding over his face, bleary eyes peering into the van parked by the sidewalk. "What's she tellin' you?" he asks, arms crossed over his white tee, freckled arms flashing against the fabric.

"Nothin'," Ed shakes his head, "Just comin' to get her stuff." Bryan takes a step forward and that's all it takes to get Ed ready to go, arm out to keep his distance, to keep himself between your boyfriend and the van.

“I’m not playin’ around today, man,” Eddie warns, “Let me go grab her stuff and this doesn’t have to be a problem.” 

“Problem? You’re ninety pounds soakin’ wet,” Bryan laughs, his couple inches on Eddie helping to bore over him, “What’s she telling you?” 

“She hasn’t had to tell me anything,” Ed repeats, “S’all over her face. You’re all over her fuckin’ face man, now let me in the door before I do something you don’t like.” 

Bryan lunges, but he’s not quick enough, the soft click of a gun cocking puts him back at attention. “My uncle did two tours, Bry, you think I don’t know my way around a trigger?” Eddie smirks. You watch from the van, horrified, heart racing when you see the black metal gleam in broad daylight. Ignoring Eddie’s demands to stay in the car you throw open the door and run to the sidewalk. 

“What the fuck, Ed?” you rasp out, voice heavy with your earlier cry, “Put that shit away.” 

Bryan catches your eye, looking at you with a fuming rage, “This is all you, huh?” 

“No, it’s not – I didn’t say anything,” you plead up at him, “I promise.” 

“Listen pal,” Eddie continues, another step forward while his heavy boot finds its way over the door frame, “We can make this real easy if you let me.” 

They bark at each other like rabid dogs when the doors close behind the three of you, a barrage of insults from Bryan’s liquor soaked mouth. You grit your teeth, jaw tight while you decide what’s worth it to keep and what’s not. Your eyes glaze over with tears and the whirl of the place around you. 

When did Eddie start carrying a gun? 

When you’ve fit as much as you can in your duffle you make your way towards the door; hearing Eddie’s low growl of the threat when Bryan makes it way over to you. 

“If you think for one second you’re gonna see or hear from her again then I promise you, you are sorely mistaken,” he mutters, the scrape of metal on metal rings in your ears when his rings slide over the short barrel. 

“If I remember correctly, you’re not around too to find out are you?” Bryan bites back. 

Eddie chuckles smugly, a tight pulled smile across his face with his dimples deep on his cheeks, “I got eyes on every corner, chief. Don’t test me.”

“We’ll see about that, huh Munson?” Bryan nods, eyes settling on Eddie’s knuckles – another fresh cross tattoo blazoned across pale skin. 

“We won’t see about shit,” Eddie nods back, “I always keep my promises.”

He takes you to his place -- his uncle in a nice little apartment in the city now so the trailer's his. It looks the part, new repairs and updates the other people in the park couldn't believe when he started making them. You fret and worry the whole way there, not looking at him once for the ride, not even a thank you.

"He won't come to mine," Eddie soothes in the car, "I got a friend outside your folks place, too."

"Mhm," you nod, watching the town woosh by while he presses on the gas, two turns and it's just trees lining the street.

"You're okay," he says when he pulls in, hopping out to open your door from the otherside, "C'mere."

You follow him in, collapsing on his bed the moment you make it into his room. His sheets are fresh, they smell like him on his side, pillow laced with a few strands of his wavy hair.

"You know you're the only one I ever let in my bed," he says softly, kicking his boots off in line with his other shoes. "Hmm," you hum, too despondent to reply.

"Scooch," he mumbles, warm palm pushing gently at your arm. You make room for him, hearing his jacket slide off and his belt get undone. If it was a year and some change ago the sound would've sent your reeling with need, now it just sounds hollow.

He slides in next to you, encouraging you to flip over so he can see you. You haven't looked in those soft brown eyes in a while, it almost hurts. His brows furrow and then soften, yearning the way they did before he left you by the lake.

"You hurtin'?" he asks, hand reaching up to run over your hair, "Can I get you something?"

"I took some Advil at work," you answer, the ache at a dull thud in your face. Exhaustion starts to overtake you while you sink into his mattress, the first time you've felt safe in months.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asks, thumb sliding feather light over the bruise on your cheek bone.

"Didn't want you to be right," you croak out. "Sounds like you," you smiles back. He comes in closer, arm snaking around you like he used to.

"I missed you," he whispers, "All the time."

Your eyes water, "Don't...don't do that."

"Baby, I'm being honest," he urges, "Couldn't stop thinking about you."

"You don't mean that," you sniffle, your heart sinking while he pours out more confessions.

"Of course I mean it," he says, looking at you with desperation behind his gaze. He leans in slow, warm lips brushing yours, careful not to press to hard on the swollen corner of yours. You relent, letting him kiss you, letting his hands roam over your waist and push you in from between your shoulder blades.

"Didn't you miss me?" he asks. The pit in your stomach knows that you didn't -- you didn't miss him breaking off dates, you didn't miss the ignored calls, you didn't miss him fucking off for who knows how long. You didn't miss finding lipgloss in his car, hair strands that weren't yours.

But you missed this. The way it feels to be told that you're the only one allowed in his bed. The only one he sends someone to keep tabs on. The only one he misses.

You nod, your body moving this time to get close to him.

"I'd never hurt you like that," he mumbles against your lips, "Not my baby. Not my girl."

He holds your eyes in his when he puts you gently on your back, gingerly pulling off your diner dress. He presses kisses down your neck, across your chest.

"Let me make you feel special," he says down at you, light shining behind his head like a halo, "Let me show you how special you are."

He still knows your body like he wrote the schematics for it, pulling soft needy moans out of you like a never ending string of chords he's always known how to play. You almost forget the thumping pain in your head, peppered in gentle kisses at every wince. 'I love you' weighing heavy on his tongue when he keeps eye contact, but never passing his lips. Never passing yours. Maybe neither of you have to say it.

You both settle afterwards, two rounds have pushed you past the point of exhaustion -- fast sleep in his arms after a bottle of water and two more Advil out of the palm of his hand.

You wake up in darkness, a sea of dark blue and black with a soft green glow of his side table clock. A little past midnight.

Your head pounds, dehydrated from all the crying. You search for your phone in the blankets -- noticing the bed next to you is empty while doing so. You peer over the mattress, no light coming in from under the door.

"Ed?" you call out, but no one responds. You sigh, finally finding your phone somwhere under your hip. Your inner thighs ache from having his hips slam into them hours before, hips in their full extension while he pushed into you deeper and deeper.

274 missed calls. All from Bryan.

Your blood runs cold, looking out the window to see Eddie's van missing. A car you don't recognize sits a trailer away, humming with muffled music, a shadowed figure inside behind a cloud of smoke. A gentle moment of ease flits through you -- at least someone was looking out.

i just woke up, where are you? who's the guy outside?

You wait for a bit, going through your socials to make sure Bryan is blocked on everything. You delete all the messages, not bothering to read them so your fear doesn't spike again.

Your phone buzzes.

i'm out.

You swallow, hoping he's not making good on any promises -- not after that show earlier this afternoon. But you don't have to wonder past the next scroll on Instagram.

Grainy with a filter is a photo posted 45 minutes ago from a friend of a friend, a bottle girl at the club that all the boys love the most. With two girls on each thigh there sits Eddie in a VIP back room, laughing at someone in the background -- whiskey neat in one hand, cigarette in the other. The caption makes your heart hammer --

'our king on his throne. ♡'