#was this actually essential for me to know? no but the adhd won

[into-the-feniverse]

Fen Quirk Analysis: Brought to you by Izuku Midoriya 🧊

Most of this info is already documented in her ref sheets, and she has a pretty general run-of-the-mill “ice” quirk, but thought it’d be fun to illustrate and get into the science of it all

More elaboration (& rambling) under the cut:

——————

Fen’s quirk works by allowing her to extract the heat of whatever it is she’s touching, which often produces frost as a byproduct of the rapidly cooling surface temperature in relation to the air. Her fingers/hands act as conduits, allowing for the heat energy to transfer through her. As a side effect, while actively using her quirk those points of contact heat up/become hot to the touch, but only for however long she’s using her quirk for.

The heat she extracts travels through her body and gradually loses energy (due to her own internal temperature running fairly low) then gets released back into the air. However some of her own body heat also gets lost in the process, virtually making her into something like a heat vacuum.

The rate at which she cools also affects the effects of her quirk, in that the more rapidly she cools something, the hotter her contact points become and the more body heat she loses, putting her at high risk for frostbite and hypothermia. The temperature discrepancy also just causes general (to severe) discomfort.

Her quirk isn’t as effective in drier environments, as lower moisture content means less frost generation.

So ironically her quirk isn’t so much “frost” as it is heat transfer 🤔 and really frost is just a (very common) byproduct of her quirk lol

[lutawolf]

Stay By My Side Ep 6 soft D/s elements

This episode, Jiang Chi and Bu Xia hits some bumps. It's classic bumps, but it's unique to them, which is what makes it interesting.

So we start the episode with Bu Xia accusing Jiang Chi of causing their relationship to be misinterpreted. Right off, I heard people checking out with this scene. It didn't make sense to them, but I've been like this. My first kiss was actually a girl, initiated by me, and then I completely flipped my shit on myself. Sometimes there is just a war inside you that you have to fight. For me, it was society and for my daughter it was her own "normy expectations."

Jiang Chi is understandably confused. However, if you pay attention, this is where I really see Dom in him. He isn't in it for just the rewards, he is trying very hard to meet the needs of his skittish sub baby. Now, I will say that the D/s element are very soft, but they are still there. I often hear comments about D/s and age. Lifestyle is different from scene and many cultures, especially Asian, have a natural inclination towards a D/s aspect. I actually explain why this is, but I can't link it because assholes keep reporting my posts. *I can literally hear my daughter going, "Mom, your ADHD is showing, back on topic."* Sorry!

The interview cracked me up. Jiang Chi says yes, and Bu Xia says no. Guess who won? Bu Xia, looks at him but backs down. The way Jiang Chi looks at Bu Xia when he is talking is so cute. At this point, Jiang Chi just thinks that Bu Xia doesn't want everyone to know yet, and he is okay with that. He doesn't let Bu Xia say they aren't dating, but he doesn't confirm that they are either. Compromise.

Notice the clear and precise. "There is no misunderstanding. I meant what I said."

gif credit to ueasking

Bu Xia's dreams are telling him what he wants, but he isn't ready to deal with it yet. Him falling off the side of the bed is my favorite thing because, I think, we've all done it. 🤣🤣🤣

The more I watch, the more I think that Jiang Chi is playing the long game. He is too aware of Bu Xia's confusion and is too understanding of it, and yet at times he reels him in.

Jiang Chi has learned the best way to handle Bu Xia is with the reward system. "Help me with dishes/wait for me, and I'll bring you late night snacks."

Bu Xia is cute, but he clearly isn't ready for self reflection or owning his own responsibility. Notice how everything is all Jiang Chi's fault. Not that I don't do the exact same thing with my husband, but that's besides the point. I'm just stating the facts about Bu Xia. 😈

I honestly adore the basket ball team. Their teasing is light-hearted and meant to showcase an acceptance. Because everyone but Bu Xia can see it. He is a coconut.

This next scene is very D/s. The brat talks back to the team captain when told that he has to wash Jiang Chi's stuff. Captain immediately grabs Jiang Chi and puts him in front to handle the brat. Notice the firmness of Jiang Chi when addressing this. He isn't yelling, he isn't even being rude, but rather using a tone and logic to indicate this is a line. Bu Xia didn't even think of doing anything but accepting. And there is a that reward system again. Jiang Chi rubs Bu Xia's head, essentially saying, "Good Boy."

The hilarity of the water bottle scene after basket ball practice. Again, I love the basket ball team. The uniform washing scene that turned into let's see how wet we can get each other was impossibly cute. I don't want to hear the phrase "boys will be boys" unless we are talking about a scene like this. That's the kind of boys will be boys behavior that I can get behind.

The whole next scene is my everything. First, the explanation of the uniforms. Then the kiss. The wash clothe coming down to cover Bu Xia's eyes. The initial gentle kisses from Jiang Chi, to more once Bu Xia shows acceptance. Sighhhhh, it was so cute.

Now we are at the point where Bu Xia has got to be getting whip lash from his own brain. You can see his amusement and happiness at all the pictures "deadlock" (by the way, it took me forever to get the joke behind that. That it's their names. I'm so stupid.) Bu Xia is clearly pleased at Jiang Chi taking a secret picture of him. Then he sees the comments and it flips his switch. Now he is back to questioning himself.

And it's all downhill from there. His basket ball teammates are trying to gently push him in a direction. They push too much, though. Leading to a huge misunderstanding for Jiang Chi. Who in his feels pushed too hard. Causing us to end in angst. We have 10 episodes in total and this was only number 6!

Hope you guys enjoyed this! As always, thank you for taking the time to read. 💜💜💜

[skyloftian-nutcase]

So any advice to stay focused on basic tasks? I have currently untreated ADHD and as a result, have a lot of trouble focusing and remembering things. Not only is this really a pain for school (I forget any work I have to do or sometimes where my class is) but sometimes I will literally forget to eat or drink water (sometimes forgetting water for up to a day and a half and food for up to 3 days). I am looking to try medication to see if it helps soon but I keep forgetting to start the whole process so Anya device for how to remember stuff and stay focused?

I don't know how helpful I'll be, but I've been told I have ADHD so here's the ways I've managed over the years when I was in school:

I too forget due dates all the time, so I write them down. In a planner, on my phone, in a different planner, on a calendar, highlight them on the syllabus which is then placed in a pocket for the folder dedicated for that subject specifically. I used to carry a teacher's planner in my backpack, and since I took that backpack everywhere I went, I always had it with me. Put reminders on your phone. When you first get the syllabus, write down the important dates and put reminders on your phone immediately.

I used to keep boxes of protein bars and ramen and instant mac cups on a shelf in visible sight. Since I lived in a dorm that was essentially a closet, I could always see the food as a reminder. I would keep my water bottle on my desk, which was the only piece of furniture in the place where I could sit and do anything since all the furniture I had was a shelf, desk, bed, and dresser in one room. If you live in a bigger space, put snacks everywhere you usually hang out. My mom has a trick where she puts reading glasses in every single place of the house where she might be, so I recommend doing that with food and maybe even cups to remind you to drink. Also, you can set alarms on your phone! Like a daily reminder: Eat and hydrate!

As for the actual act of hunkering down and studying and being able to focus, I don't have a foolproof way, but what worked for me was this: I set up environments that were dynamic enough to keep me hyperfocused. What I mean by that is I get antsy sitting still for too long, so I would put on a playlist or a video game and just use the location ambience to help me feel like I was somewhere else. Whenever I would start getting antsy, I would move locations in the game or go to the next ambience video. And then boom! You've moved. Different setting, new environment, let's settle back in and study again. I also had multiple, multiple documents and tricks to motivate myself. When I was in grade school, it was Harry Potter. I would assigned Hogwarts houses to subjects and create a competition, and whichever subject I did the most work in won. I can go into more detail if you want, I'm about to do something similar tonight to get some work around the house and studying done. We can study together tonight if you want! :)

Lovelies who have ADHD, care to pitch in? Anon, make sure to read any reblogs/comments!

[bagog]

What On Earth Has Happened

Hey, no story here, no experiments. Just a play by play of an awful year in my life. Please don't reblog. Trying to just get it down in one place for people who care about me. Long, sob-story beneath the cut.

Air - 'Things are looking up!' I had started to drift a bit from tumblr. The porno purge came and a lot of my friends trickled off the platform after that. I went back to school, attempting to score myself a Masters degree in something that would pay enough to get me out of Student Debt. I was doing great, picking things up fast. I got a new job at a company doing pretty menial work, but the people I worked with were great conversationalists. The work didn't involve dealing with customers at all, paid well, and was small and accomplishable tasks. Essentially I was being prepped to take a better position at the place once I had my Masters. Covid happened, then. Earth - 'The Whole World Sucks Right Now' My company was "essential," so I continued going to work, now on weird schedules. The company I worked for was profiting off Covid, all the while making fun of it as an overblown conspiracy, even as their own epidemiologist urged them to take better precautions. Work became hard to swallow. Water - 'When your lowest place could be lower' The apartment I shared with my boyfriend flooded. The lowest place in any sewage system is typically the bathtub, such that if it backs up, it does so into that tub. Our lowest point is the toilet. So the apartment flooded. Three times. Roots growing through the sewage outflow meant that, often, you needed to wait a solid hour between toilet flushes, or else the toilet would back up with such gusto the sewage would slosh down the hallway and into the living room. We mopped many times. The problem was finally fixed 8 months later, necessitating our having to camp because our house had no water. Fire - 'To destroy all you've done' One afternoon, I smelled burning. Going to our bedroom, I found our shelf a column of flame. I could barely breathe for all the smoke, but I managed to grab a blanket and beat the fire out. On the other side of the room, the pages of the books upon another shelf had begun to crisp from the heat, the blinds on all the windows were warped. The whole apartment had been about to go up. I'm kinda scared of fire now. Heart - 'When moving is too much to ask' Personal health sorta hit a new low. Migraines kept me out of work for two full weeks. I have seasonal foot pain, I always assumed from hiking for a living in my 20s. Turns out it was gout, all the while. Gout is exceptionally painful: it's like a messy pile of razor blades in the ball of your foot every time you step down. At work, I could barely stand. Walking from my car to the door became something I needed to psyche myself up for. Not a lot can stop a gout flare-up once it's in full swing, so I just had to wait it out. For a month. Two. Some of the worst sustained pain I've been in. Little did I know that, in January, come the kidney stones. Kidney stones feel awful. Feel like total shit. Gout and kidney stones are comorbid--brought about as a result of the meds I take to help me focus. So any day I don't drink enough water is a day when my kidneys or my foot just starts aching. But going back to September of 2020... Homophobia - 'goddammit' Finally things are looking better. I'm limping quickly again. Then I am called into the HR office. I am told that two sexual harassment charges have been brought against me. I'm told that one individual has alleged that I, while in the restroom, used a reflective toilet brush to attempt to peep him under a stall wall. I did not do this. I do not understand--reflective toilet brush?? wtf. The second allegation: I just straight up looked over a stall at a guy. I didn't do this either. I'm asked to defend myself, I ask who or date or time of day. I am given nothing. I remark that I don't think I'm tall enough to see over the stall, and I do not understand about the toilet brush. Of the ten minutes of the meeting, I spend 8 of them trying to get my head around how a claim about a reflective toilet brush has me here. "Would you like us to go now to see if you're tall enough to see over the stall? If that would help your defense?" says the HR head. "Yes, I

would," says I. We did not go. I am told that the accusers have no reason to be collaborating, or to even know each other made a claim. This is bullshit, because it was a company of 80 people, and only a quarter of those employees used the restroom where my alleged harassment was to have taken place. Before I am dismissed from work for the day to go home and wait to find out if I'll be fired or not, I march into the HR office once more and say "I hope none of this is happening because I'm gay." The HR head looks positively offended. I got fired cuz I'm gay. Next day I got a call. They'd come to the "objective truth" (that phrase is burned in my mind), and were terminating me. Apparently they discounted the toilet brush rumor, after all. But they really honestly believed I looked over the stall at a dude. Nightmare - 'No Fear One Fear' Let me tell you something: this is a nightmare. This is my honest-to-god nightmare. I've been terrified of getting accused of something in a bathroom since I was 11 years old. I am incredibly self-conscious and careful in public restrooms. To be fired? From a place full of people I like? And all of them will think I'm a pervert. My boyfriend worked at the same place. He would now have to work there every day dealing with people looking at him and wondering what he must think of his boyfriend. That sent me on a spiral. I'm still out of work, almost a year later. It would have been the worst mental health crisis of my life if it wasn't for my boyfriend, my support network, and the meds I've finally been able to get ahold of. Oh, also. My two accusers? Were roommates. HR knew they were roommates. They basically collaborated on a story to get me fired. The story circulating around the place (I still have acquaintances I talk to working there) has dropped the reflective toilet brush entirely. I guess they thought it was too unbelievable. So anyway, the people who accused me are now telling a different set of events than what I was told. Absolute horse shit. Tried to go to my city's human right's council to see if my situation warranted further attention. I gave my side of the story--including tales of the straight manager who had had enough harassment charges brought against him that he was no longer allowed to meet female staff--which indicated I'd been treated differently and wrongly. My old job made an impassioned argument that the committee violated their First Amendment rights(?) ('Freedom of speech' is the biggie with the First Amendment, for people who cba re:USA). I won the vote!! But one member of the committee was missing. So there weren't enough people for the vote to pass. Dismissed. We took it to the EEOC to make an official federal complaint. Just a week ago, an agent of the US Government patiently explained to us that these laws are literally designed to fuck over the worker and protect the employer unless they are epically stupid, and unfortunately, mine had not been epically stupid. So there's nowhere to go, no recourse to be had. It's over, I guess. Family - 'How to sum it up quickly...' My family hit me with the old soft-disown. No more calls, no more communication. They think they are loving me by not having contact with me. By depriving me of my family, they hope it will make me realize that the path I'm on is destructive, and I'll return to them living an upright life. No. I'm living an upright life, now. And if my family can choose to throw me away, then they are not a family I choose. Then my dad hit me back two months later, absolutely gaslighting me and pretending we never had the disown conversation at all. Reality - 'I don't know who I am anymore' I have trouble knowing what's real, anymore. Every message my dad sends on the surface seems loving and supportive and plaintive. I feel I must be the one in the wrong. I got fired for bullshit reasons. It doesn't feel real. "My family can't possibly have ceased contact with me: that's one of those things I know can never happen!!" But that did happen. So what else that feels real, actually isn't? I do

mean to be so dramatic, and I won't apologize for it. But I truly do feel like my mind has been pretty thoroughly unseated by the last year. Whoever I am, I'm becoming someone different. More distilled, at very least. I've discovered a lot of things about myself: trauma that has likely led to a lot of my mental health problems. Discovered I actually have RAGING ADHD, and it has robber me of a lot of things I wanted to do, and now is sort of consuming me completely. I'm looking for help. Trying to get better. Here's hoping. Every bold point above could be its own book, for all my thoughts about them. But enough of that for now. Love you. Thanks for reading.

[literaphobe]

okay i’ll bite. what is mcyt and dream smp. like i know what they stand for but what exactly... is it.... is it actually good or just your latest hyperfixation AGSHJSJSKS

oh god beware this is long and also i technically wrote it as part of a tangent to another ask but i realized this response suited this question much better but it also makes references to that ask which i will answer right after this one

“what is minecraft youtube?” well any YouTube video that features minecraft is technically minecraft youtube. i specifically only care about like. dream + friends. i follow the ‘feral boys’ (dream george quackity sapnap karl) mostly? but if ur question is: what is dream known for? the answer is minecraft manhunt and dream smp

so what’s minecraft manhunt? to understand that, u need to understand that minecraft isn’t “just blocks” because it is a beatable game haha. u beat the game by killing the ender dragon and obviously there’s a lot of stuff u need to do to do that. but i won’t bore u w the details. “speedrunning minecraft” means u beat minecraft very fast. dream used to be the record holder for beating minecraft a few months ago. he no longer is but i won’t get into that. it’s an annoying discussion n literally no one cares. all i’ll say is if u really believe he cheated and that he wasn’t being targeted by people who have since been exposed for trying to frame him for saying slurs that he never said (amongst other stuff), then u literally hate neurodivergent people so much. that’s all!

so what is MANHUNT, specifically? basically, dream does a series where x number of people are HUNTING him down and trying to KILL him before he beats the game. if he dies even ONCE, he loses. he’s done this with one hunter (george), two (+sapnap), three (+badboyhalo), four (+antfrost), and now five hunters (+awesamdude)

the hunters have infinite lives, and a compass that leads them to where dream is at any given point in the game. dream is allowed to kill them as many times as he wants, as a form of self preservation

so what’s the allure to manhunt? essentially, it’s how dream plays the game. he’s incredibly skilled at pvp (fighting) and parkour (moving fast and agile that i can’t even begin to explain. u need to see this for urself. it’s even more impressive if u play the game) and “clutching” (how he saves himself from risky moves and all the absolutely CREATIVE ways he does it)

also all the traps he sets to kill the hunters since it’s hard to go up against multiple people no matter how good you are. and how QUICKLY he thinks. it’s amazing. people with adhd are amazing and dream is a PRIME example of that. it makes me less hateful of my adhd :) and more appreciative of my traits :)

how did he do this? lots of research, lots of practice, lots of training. dream used to be a really average minecraft player who had to beg GEORGE to go easy on him. now? george loses to dream even on 40/50 hearts (the usual is 10). dream poured his heart into making his videos, putting a creative spin and skillful spin to his content that had never really been seen/executed as well before. and so 1.5 years after he started actively making YouTube videos he has over 20 million subscribers. and I’m not kidding, that number could be 30 million in a few months from now. that’s how fast he’s growing

ok i got off topic. another great thing about manhunt is dream’s relationship w the HUNTERS. the hunters are friends who dream has known for many years, and also they come up with great plans to defeat him as well. in many ways, they can also be seen as the “underdogs” in manhunt, especially since dream won the 4 hunters series 3-2. anyway in manhunt, all of the players are in an open channel discord voice chat, so they can all hear each other talk, and also talk to each other. sometimes the hunters discuss strategies before the face off, or they dm ideas secretly in the game chat, or attempt to talk in code. but mostly dream can hear the things they say, and they can hear the things he says. it makes it so that they can attempt to trick each other, but they can also hear things that give them a leg up in the game. etc etc. the banter that goes on is like. BIG part of what makes manhunt fun to watch

and the editing...... it is very good and engaging n he chooses fun music :) the speedrun music is a meme by now but it still slaps unironically. he makes excellent choices n i am very entertained

OKAY. so what is dream smp?

(smp stands for Survival Multiplayer. aka: a lot of people play together in a world where u can die and monsters spawn. the dream part is because dream owns the server)

once upon a time, there were two best friends. their names were dream and george. they decided to play minecraft survival together, but they didn’t want to beat the game super fast this time. THIS was about having fun. they wanted to casually explore the world, build a house together, raise some animals, start a farm, etc! after a bit they started to add some of their other friends so more people could have fun with them. and then more people got added. and the dream smp started to include a roleplay aspect because they invited people who did roleplay on other servers

i won’t summarize the events for u. if u wanna know what HAPPENED plot wise, this dude evanmcgaming makes like. summaries that are low key documentaries. very well made, he includes clips from the actual lore streams when necessary! his channel is here and i’ll list the documentaries in order: first | second | third | fourth | fifth

and then this really cool 18 year old Filipino girl started animating events on the dream smp to look REALLY cool n it got so many views and her first animation was done on her PHONE w her FINGER and it made the people on dream smp go damn we need to step the FUCK up so that this girl can get better material for her animations. they are all huge fans of her. everyone is a huge fan of her. she’s called sad-ist, and so far there are 4 main animations: first | second | third | fourth

anyway now! dream smp is essentially what i would call gay planned theatre improv but the medium through which they perform is not a stage but on minecraft. there actually is WRITING involved in this, they script the series of events etc, but for the most part they don’t actively script dialogue afaik?

some truly AMAZING bits of dialogue has come out of the dream smp. the dream smp is basically. gamers transform into theatre kids before ur very eyes + some of these bitches WERE theatre kids and they’re showing it now!

it’s amazing watching the growth because a lot of them have improved leaps and bounds. one of the most notable improved actors is dream ❤️  yea im bringing him up ok because im RIGHT his acting used to just be him screaming but now he can give me chills. he’s very good n is the “main villain” on dream smp :)

and like. not only do we have people like sad-ist animating the smp we have members like quackity who include pre recorded elements in his lore streams to make it just. a truly incredible experience. quackity my beloved. i love him so much

[princeanxious]

The Royal Librarian- Chapter 1

Chapter 1- “The Road to Perfection is Destructive.”

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Ships: Future analogical, future sidelines royality, sidelines established dukeceit, background remile

Word Count: a little over 3k

Warnings For This Chapter: Virgil’s got anxiety and is a bit self depricating, brief mentions of panic attacks, Virgil stays up and works himself for so much longer and harder than is healthy for a normal person in one session, boi highkey overthinks a ton when he’s not occupied. Don’t work yourself for 24 hours straight like Virge does, it’s not good for you.

Minor notes on Virgil’s mental state in this fic: Virgil has ADHD(as reflected by my own life experience) that shows up in different ways here and there, and he suffers from RSD(Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) which drives Virgil’s need to be perfect or fail till he damn near collapses from exhaustion, which also just feeds into his chronic anxiety. Thats all for now!

Chapter one(you are here!)|Chapter two(coming soon!)

Bonus stuff:

-the Rough Library Layout

[[MORE]]

Quiet. Such a word was practically synonymous with Virgil’s existence. The young adult practically grew up in silence, sought quiet spaces out like a moth drawn to a flame. And like a deer spooked by a snapping branch, he often fled from loud groups larger than three. He had been a quiet child, content to lose himself in any book he could get his hands on, reading for hours in any quiet atmosphere he could find. Alone, and content because of it.

So it was really no surprise he picked up a local library apprenticeship when he’d turned fifteen, and was a well-versed and well-read librarian by age nineteen. He had his lifelong friend Patton to thank for making him apply alongside hundreds of others to the opening position of the Royal Astra Family’s castle Librarian position, a year later. And, to be fair? He’d only applied because he’d been sure his resume would never have been seen, let alone selected, if only to simply placate his best friend’s excited begging.

He didn’t account for Patton’s connections as the Royal Head Cook to shift that margine of possibility to reach at least being seen. Though Patton chalked it up to the fact that he’d always talked about Virgil around the royal family anyway, long before the position had needed a replacement. It seemed to be just Virgil’s luck that ‘Virgil’ just happened to be a very uncommon name.

The panic attack that followed after he received a letter that his resume had been selected alongside a select few others for further evaluation had been a rough one. Still, he held out hope that his perceived inexperienced youth would save him, the stress and responsibility of such a serious job couldn’t be trusted with some ambitious kid like him, could it?

And, besides, it’s not like Patton’s constant praises carried that much weight, right? That's just how Patton was, a personified ball of sunshine! It was why Virgil was never surprised to hear Patton mention the royal family and staff by name on accident, or mention a silly story involving them in private, he’d clearly become close to them as the Head Cook. Though, the more he thought about it, he realized that.. Well, it’s not like the royal family had known Patton as long as Virgil had. Patton could be too trusting, and tried to see good in everyone, and well, perhaps the royal family trusted his judge of character over just simple skills. And wasn’t it just peachy that Virgil was lifelong best friends with said ball of personified sunshine? (Not that he’d ever trade their friendship for the world, never. It was just Virgil’s problem that he could never seem to tell Patton no, huh?)

Eventually, a nerve wracking week passed before Virgil finally had his answer in the form of an acceptance letter hand-delivered and an accompanying uniform and granted permissions to traverse and move into the castle grounds, all ordered and signed by King Thomas himself.

Apparently, his suspicions over Patton’s influence had indeed won out.

Three days later, Virgil finds himself silently saying goodbye to the home he’d made on his own, not as terribly forlorn over the loss as he thought he’d be. The small cottage he’d been renting didn’t feel much like home to him, anyway, not like a library did. Still, there was a longing to hide from the large change crashing into his life, and thrice he’d hid under his covers and cursed his weak will against Patton’s puppy eye’d pout. Eventually though, he’d talked himself out of his panicked haze, just in time for his first shift the following day.

“I can’t believe I let Pat talk me into this.” The ravenette grumbled as he leaned to the side. Using his weight and momentum to shift the sliding ladder he was perched on, he slid closer to the next book he’d been reaching for.

“Become the castle’s new Librarian! It’ll be fun, he said! It’ll help sooth my anxiety to work with even more books and even less people, he said, the head cook who works with at least 20 other staff each hour to maintain a steady meal plan for the entire castle staff daily!” The little librarian huffed to himself, resignation seeping out with each controlled breath.

His first day hadn’t been an easy one, and though he hadn’t expected it to go smoothly, he certainly hadn’t expected it to become such a mess. It wasn’t his first time working as a librarian, but leave it to good ol’ Virgil to let life make his days as eventful as possible!

From the moment he woke to the time he had his lunch break, not that he would actually willingly take a break nor need one yet, the day had been.. busy, to put it lightly.

It’d been storming when he woke, and though he was on time to get ready and leave, he’d only realized that his umbrella had broken the month prior. It had left him to make a twenty minute dash in the pouring rain when he found no other options.

He was plenty grateful for a bathroom stationed just inside of the library building entrance, where he hurriedly rushed inside to change out of his soaked attire. He’d been smart enough to pack away his official Royal Librarian uniform into a water resistant bag with a few additional dry essentials, and let his common clothes get soaked instead.

In a short six and a half minutes, Virgil was changed and mostly dry, though there was little he could do about his damp hair aside from comb his fingers through it. With his wet clothes packed away, he made it into the library on time to begin his first very long shift.

He’d already been sworn into secrecy when it came to occasionally dealing with the royal family’s history and artifacts in the future, and with his first and hopefully one of very few ever meetings with King Thomas out of the way, he was officially the new Royal Librarian. And now, also the only. As he was told in no certain terms that the last had retired and fucked off into obscurity before anyone had realized that the library had been left in disorganized chaos.

The old coot had apparently made his own system for everything, and hadn't bothered to write any of it down. From sorting sections to assigning books to genres, none if it clear and often very, very unorganized.

Virgil’s first big task was to comb through the entire damn building and use a new system, one that made sense. He was to reorganize every book and every section, using the appropriate genres and sorting. This way the royal family could actually functionally use the library and not waste time sorting through chaos.

This was where Virgil found himself three hours later, on the verge of a minor mental breakdown as he’d just barely sorted an eighth of the books on the main library floor into the Dewey Decimal system.

He’d had plenty of empty tables at the beginning of his journey, and right now every single one had some few stacks of books on each, labeled accordingly. Aside from his muffled ranting and the pattering of rain, the library was relatively silent.

It was odd, being alone in such a gigantic library. It almost reminded him of home.

He paused for a brief moment, having set down the final few books taken from the bookshelf he’d been working on. He’d gone through just one row of 6 bookshelves, and had 7 rows left to go, and that was just barely counting putting books back in the previous shelves as he went. A whine left him as he realized just how long this project was going to take.

“Fucking fuck.”

Somewhere between the second row and the third, Patton had stopped by to check in on Virgil. He found him hard at work sorting the fiction section on the left side of the building, tables half forgotten as Virgil attached unobtrusive non-damaging number labels to each and every book. Stacks of books lay carefully placed on the floor against each shelf, seperated by label and lack of label.

“You already look so at home, Virge!” The head cook whisper-shouted, though the sentiment was not necessary as the only other being in the library was the librarian himself.

“Yeah yeah, hush you. I’m a bit too swamped for ‘I told you so’s at the moment. So, what's up?” Glancing up at the taller man, Virgil briefly noted a small package wrapped in cloth was held in his hands.

“Can you spare a minute to eat?” Patton giggled, but Virgil knew better. He’d known Patton since they were kids, it wasn’t a question. Or a decision to be made. With a sigh, he placed the book he was holding in its place before turning to the cheery cook. “Yeah, I can.”

“How’s the kitchen today?” He asked lightly, having eaten the light meal quickly in order to get back to sorting. Patton hadn’t commented, nor had he been shooed away when Virgil began sorting again. He contently sat out of the way to finish his own lunch, his original goal having been accomplished.

“Oh! It’s going great today, honestly. Not too many mishaps from the newbies today either, so that's a bonus! And well, you know, making mistakes is in human nature but, they’re learning so quickly, I’m so proud of them! They’ll be taking my place by fall, just you wait and see! And, well, Roman stopped by earlier to swipe some snacks for Prince Logan, his brother, and himself. You know, the usual.” Patton chuckled, and if Virgil had looked, he’d seen the besotted look Patton always had when he talked about the head knight of the prince, he’d seen it a hundred times and was bound to see it a hundred or so more.

“Oh, speaking of,” Virgil butted in playfully, “I’ll finally get a chance to meet this knight and shining armor you’ve been swooning over for over a year now, huh?”

He watched Patton’s freckled face flush bright red, sputtering and then coughing on his mouthful of food. Virgil just cackled delightedly, stepping over to give Patton a few hard pats on the back to be sure his friend didn’t choke.

He laughed again when Patton gave him a pout and a soft “You’re so mean to me, Virge!” Eventually Virgil was able to placate Patton with a gentle hug, and the cook was sunshine and smiles again.

A finished lunch break later had Virgil finally sending Patton off, back to the warm bustling kitchens in the main castle building while he moved on to the next portion of his task.

He quickly found the steady back and forth rythme soothing. Pick a few books up, put them away. Pull a few books out, sort it by number as per their section of genre, set it in the right place. It was a blessing to find that there was just enough of a consistency to the previous plan that he could find up to five to six books in the same category in a row, and each set of books could be similar in subject, usually ending up just one section away. Often was the wayward book that found itself out of place, though he had assumed that these were often books just placed back haphazardly considering their subject patterns.

Often the most scattered and random books had ended up being of a few select categories. Without fail, he found that it would end up being a book on Space and Astronomy and/or Mathematics, in-depth Anatomy of Plants and Animals, young adult Fantasy Adventure novels, or Horror novels. It was.. Sort of odd, how there had been no section for each and all of these books, and yet there were so many evenly scattered. Perhaps that had been on purpose then, not haphazardly placed. But why?

Too busy to think deeply about it, he designated spots fitting each book type, and decided he’d figure out what he’d do with the puzzle later.

It was 6 pm by the time he’d finished the fourth row, and Patton had stopped by briefly to check on his best friend. He watched Patton’s merry expression drop some, concern seeping in as he took in his best friend’s progress.

“It’s almost 6:30, Virgil. Have you had another break yet?” He asked, watching his best friend continue moving back and forth. “Aren’t you tired? It’s been a little under 12 hours at this point, kiddo.. dontcha think it’s time to call it for the day? I mean, you’re already halfway there!”

“Library hours, at least Librarian work hours, don’t end till 9. And yeah, I guess I’m a little tired? But I’m in the zone, Pat. You know how I get when I’m in The Zone. If I stop now, who knows how long it’ll take me to finish sorting the other half?” Virgil rambled, half distracted and still trying to keep a vice grip on his concentration. “And besides, King Thomas said he’d be checking in on me tomorrow.”

“But Virge, you know he doesn’t expect you to have it done in one day. Thomas isn’t like that! That’s why he gave you a whole week to settle in, so you could move into the Library’s living quarters-which you haven’t done yet, might I add!- and get the library situated.” Patton stood stiffly, knowing he was fighting a losing battle. Virgil was as stubborn as he himself was when his mind was made up.

“Look, Pat.. just, I’m sorry. You know I hate to worry you. I’ll try to stop at 10, go home and get some rest, and tomorrow i’ll move my stuff into my new home here. And, i’ll take a break from sorting for a few hours. Okay?” Virgil reached out, taking Patton’s hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze. He let Patton pull him into a tight hug, and didn’t resist when Patton briefly rubbed at his tense shoulders.

“Okay. Just, take care of yourself, Virge, okay? If I find out you stayed out an hour later than 11 pm, you’re gonna be in big trouble mister!” Patton giggled, lightening the mood the way he knew how.

“Yeah, yeah, hear ya loud and clear, Dad.” He watched Patton beam at the nickname, and moments later he watched Patton disappear behind the library’s main entrance door as his friend left him be, reassured. Virgil gave a heavy sigh, looking down guiltily at the stray book clutched in his hands.

“Let’s just hope ‘trouble’ just means a week of disappointed reprimands like last time…”

Hours later, Virgil’s head jerked up from his sorting as a father clock somewhere in the library dinged, signalling 10 o'clock. Biting his lip, he walked to the front doors and examined his options. He found he could lock the library from the inside, and pulled down the shutters. Briskly, he moved to cover each large window with their thick drapery, finding the adorning cloth thick enough to keep the low artificial light from seeping out. He dimmed the inner library lights so the library looked closed, but otherwise the building was still functioning from within.

Unless someone else had keys to the doors of the library, no one would know that the librarian was still stationed and working within. No one could see out, and more importantly, no one could see in. Which meant that Virgil was safe from Patton’s wrath if the Cook came to check on him, temporarily at least.

“Fuck, Patton’s gonna be so mad..” He muttered to himself, leaning against the librarian’s desk with a deep sigh. He’d briefly admired the beautiful desk earlier in the day, from the intricate carving to the beautiful dark mahogany. It would serve him well in the future, he hoped, after the thorough ‘grounding’ he knew he was going to get from Patton.

He shook his head to free his thoughts. There was no sense in getting in trouble and feeling guilty about it if he didn’t do anything to learn from in the first place. It was time to get back to work, and if he was lucky, he’d finish the main body of the library by the time his next shift started. Then, he could try and play it off, like nothing had ever happened, he’d just keep Patton out of the library till tomorrow to hide his finished work.

11 pm came and passed as he worked, and when he looked next at the clock, he found it was nearly 4 am. Tired but determined with only one row left, Virgil trekked on with a new vigor. All-nighters weren’t anything new to Virgil, not in the slightest. He was a creature of the night who rarely got a full night's rest to begin with. And sure, it was rare he worked his body so hard and for so long, but fixations were hard to break once in The Zone, it’s not like he could feel it past the hyperfixation haze.

Patton had often told him off for it when they were young, but as time passed they’d come to realize that’s just how Virgil was. Laying down did nothing to lure his mind to sleep on even the tiredest of nights if his insomnia had something to say about it. Better that he used the extra time to be productive, rather than spend 6 hours tossing and turning in bed, numbers and thoughts crowding in his head, and only getting up more restless than before. Patton often just tried to ease the aftermath if he could help it.

Sliding the last book into place was like sliding a final puzzle piece into a massive puzzle. The triumph of accomplishment had never felt so good, not like this.

Though, he quickly found himself aimless not 10 minutes later, seeking errors to fix and lost books to give a home. His brain wasn’t ready to let go of it’s fixation just yet, but as each second crawled by, he found himself recentering into the real world.

His body ached, and he was exhausted. His stomach gnawed at him weakly in hunger and his eyes watered from staring unblinkingly for so long. He eyed the chair behind the librarian’s desk, his desk now, he reminded himself.

“Screw it.. The Library’s sorted enough, I've got the rest of the week to make it perfect. A ten minute nap won’t hurt, right..?” He huffed to himself as he pulled the window curtains open one by one. Shuffling over to the main library doors, he unlocked them and raised the shutters. Soft morning sun rays fluttered into the connected windowed hallway just beyond the doors. He smiled at the tiny beauty of life, spotting the main library windows letting in the same comforting, dappled light.

Pulling his cloak tighter around himself, he plopped into the chair at his desk, finding it soft and comforting. Leaning forward, he rested his head on his arms, and under the fluttering morning light, succumbed to sleep’s gentle embrace.

Unknowing of the rude awakening that was soon to come.

Chapter two

[straighttohellbuddy]

for the questions- i wanna hear abt if u have OCs 🥺

quite literally far too many

i don't have any active OCs for any YouTube fics, and forgive me for not pulling out my 2014 British Vlogger OC, so i think im going to move on. most of my longer stuff is actually OC fics, so here's a VERY brief list of the ones that I think about at least once a week, or have actually finished their fic;

Tasha (TMR)

Won Hye-Sung (Mortal Kombat 2021)

Oh (6 Underground)

Aoibheal Cassidy (X-Men)

Connie Lee (Jumanji)

Mags (TDM)

Bambi Hall (The 100)

It Maria Stark (Marvel)

and OKAY HERE WE GO i write for classic rock, and my two biggest fics are for Queen and Motley Crue and there are gigantic worlds attached to both these gals

Keola 'Lola' Fields Gone - Motley Crue - run to paradise is her main story, it's currently at 100k, and ongoing, while the side-fics i've written bring the total to about 200k, including AUs. she's an absolute bastard, like the rest of the band, and i would die for her. she's poly and bi and has my heart. if you read her fic, please heed the warning in the tags.

she also has 4 kids who i think about far too often;

Jupiter Lee - nb musician in their own right, had a kind of rough childhood and is learning to deal with the trauma they've faced because of their parents lifestyles and is attempting to rebuild their relationship with their mother

Leo 'Seo' Sixx - professional skateboarder with ADHD who is legally blind. his face has only been seen by the public properly ONCE. very very chill dude.

Cerie Sixx - youtuber and psychology major who would absolutely be voted 'most likely to succeed', a real sweetheart.

Cyrus Sixx - Cerie's twin brother, chaos gremlin, professional bartender, amateur music producer. lives his life to antagonise jupiter.

and then, with Queen, we have My Queen Ash Clarke Mercury from ask your destiny to dance. 48k currently for the main fic 110k altogether. seamstress and art lover, she was essentially chased out of her home town in Scotland and came to England to get a fresh start, and goes on to work as Queen's costume designer. considers Freddie to be her brother, and is bi as fuck.

she also has 3 kids whom i would die for;

Astrid Taylor - five-foot-one smooth talking lesbian mechanic who moonlights as a stunt driver and lives her life in jean shorts and band t-shirts. an outrageous flirt who has a known habit of befriending pretty blonde male actors, which her siblings refer to as her 'harem of blonde boys', though it should be noted that it's not on purpose, she's not clout chasing, its just that their interest end up aligning, and she is unwaveringly loyal and would do anything for her friends.

Cate Taylor - middle child, has a masters in PR and works as Queen's social media coordinator. can speak 5 languages, has a young daughter named Claudia, and is a recovering alcoholic. used to be a lot wilder when she was younger.

Barney Sun-Taylor - the baby of the family who is also over six feet tall. he's an actor known for his bit-parts in film and television, and is arguably one of the most well connected people in the industry. he's married to a nb makeup artist, who works on films, but also has a youtube channel, Mickey Sun (their channel name is SunTeaMick). he also doesn't drink but he's very good at making cocktails.

i know this isn't yt related but i could literally infodump about Lola and/or Ash for hours i love them so much

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

I said I had a doctor appointment today, and that’s really only half true. It was a psychologist. Therapy.

And because my relationship with my emotions is Severely Fucked, and I’m experiencing A Lot of emotions but like, At a Distance right now (because of the health insurance nonsense), I told her that I was trying to connect with my emotions and like... stop feeling like I’m holding this huge part of myself at a distance?

I mercilessly suppressed and attempted to eliminate my emotions from the age of 8 years old until about 19. It was all self-directed and involves everything from Personal Taste to Constant Trauma to Nexus Weirdness, so I didn’t really get into Why with her, because I hardy get into Why in my own mirrorbook... but she made some suggestions.

And chief among them was writing them down.

So, I’ll try. To write about something, you have to.. let it be? Experience it? Know what you’re experiencing so you can figure out how to translate that experience into words? But I... can’t get over the part where I Mercilessly Side-Eye My Emotions.

I’m REALLY good at writing my THOUGHTS down. But feelings? What the fuck’s a feeling? How do you write about those? I can write at length about physical sensations, streams of consciousness, and Feelings But Vicariously, like through a character in fiction. But.... writing about my OWN emotions?

And I do mean reflexive, because the thing about reflexes is that they can be taught, honed, and trained into something Instinctive, even if it goes against the initial pre-training instincts. You practice something often enough and you get into the habit, and that habit becomes a reflex, something you do without thinking, immediately, automatically.

That’s how unwinding my emotions is. I feel something, I trained into myself the instinct to Shut It Down. Not just smothering it; not bottling it up. Literally convincing myself I didn’t feel it. I legitimately induced dissociation until the emotion calmed down. I would “coach” myself, talk myself down from it. I would analyze it to death, talk to myself in simultaneously self-soothing ways and convincing myself something didn’t matter enough to get upset over. I took the instinctive Anger and Sadness of a self-preservation instinct and turned it into detachment, training myself to defend myself with logic, rationale, and disinterest instead.

And I legitimately felt better for it, that’s the wild thing. I didn’t feel suppressed, I didn’t feel “the emotion building up”, I didn’t feel hurt or sad or frustrated. I felt... better.

But the thing is, I learned that in order to turn off my anger and fear and sadness, I had to turn off my joy and excitement and desire as well. I really do mean I tried to excavate ALL emotion from myself.

Though, when I was alone in my room, longing and sadness would trickle in, because... not to get all Teenaged Angst in here, but I felt like other people didn’t understand me. My stepmother constantly put me down for it. I would read a comic page about Raven angsting over Not Experiencing Emotion, and tears, unbidden, unforgiven, would prick my eyes, because gods, I knew what she meant, and I knew why it hurt.

Around age 16, I started feeling like I was almost forbidden this Essential Part of being human. It simply Wasn’t Safe for me to be emotional. I mourned, quietly, secretly, and briefly, that I didn’t understand how others would get so swept up in emotions that they’d cry, and then feel better for it afterwards. How they could just... feel something, and not fight themselves to manage it. Because this self-training was a constant struggle. Even after it became reflexive, my nature, between ADHD and PTSD and depression, is actually quite emotional. Quieting, soothing those parts of me that wanted to rage and sob my heart out and squeal with delight. Wouldn’t I look so foolish if I just burst into laughter and didn’t stop smiling all day? From such a high precipice of feeling, wouldn’t it hurt that much more when the stepmonster inevitably shot me down? And then, if I started crying, I’d never stop.

That was always the real danger: the emotions in me just wouldn’t stop. I’d learned that from a very, very young age. The real danger of feeling was the experience of the emotion itself, because if I let myself become emotional, it would feed into itself and grow so consuming that Nexus shit would go wild and it would suck me into a self-propagating vortex of nightmarish panic until I was so swept away that I’d lose myself.

So all emotion had to be monitored, limited, controlled. I still felt flickers of emotion, don’t get me wrong. But I never wallowed, rather hardened those emotions into icy determination. I trimmed the parts that got frostbitten away and turned my thoughts totally towards action. I mastered myself. I conquered my emotions. I disciplined my thoughts into feeding Betterment rather than Wallowing.

And there’s always a part of me that longs for the freedom to feel, to express that vortex. Controlling my emotions felt... right, but also wrong? Not like I was missing a part of myself, exactly, because the soothing and distancing still came from my own mind, and my desire to Live In Hard-Won Contentment Rather Than Pain was my choice, and that choice, that decision, became a force of nature. 

It wasn’t just for my sake, either. When I’m angry, I lash out. When I’m depressed, I’m inconsolable and drag others down. When I’m joyful, I’m reckless. (Not to mention, mirrorbook incidents. Weird shit happens when I get emotional, like REALLY weird shit.)

So... how do you unwind a habit that protected you, and others, for so long?

It’s... Emotions are strong, okay? They’re big. They’re scary. Especially in the past 5 years, there haven’t been a lot of Good ones. And the bad ones Hurt. I don’t want anything to do with them.

But logically, I know it’s healthier to let yourself experience emotions for awhile. Move through them. That’s what everyone in the org says. That’s what mindfulness says. That’s what behavioral treatment says.

But also logically, I know that the emotional stability I’ve trained into myself is sometimes necessary, to gather information and make good decisions. Like I have to do to pick a health insurance plan.

I feel like I have to hold my fear and sadness at arms’ length, or I’ll be crippled into indecision, and thus inaction.

I know myself too well to trust myself with Feeling an Emotion.

I don’t think I can afford the Struggle to Reel it In while trying to ~get acquainted~ with a Feeling right now.

But, gods.... Especially with the org stuff, my personal projects, my writing, I’ve been unearthing some of those deeply-buried Desires and Joys. With healing has come the washing up of old hurts. I’m tempted left and right to Feel Things, and make it personal, make it matter, make it last.

But though I kind of want to try easing myself into Knowing Emotions, I almost... don’t feel like I have the courage to face myself completely unrestrained.

I’ve been trying to get back in touch with my emotions for 5, maybe 7 years now. And every time I make progress, I feel like.... it’s almost like I get scared again. I fall back into the age-old habit of Undermining my own Feelings. 

I legitimately don’t know how else to deal with them.

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Hello,

So, it's funny because i was depressed right? and then as we all know the world kinda got scary, and now it's like i almost have a reason to feel validated in my feelings of hopelessness, which doesn't make me feel great, but does seem to kind of level me in this strange way.

I spend too much fucking time on reddit. I live in Portland, and basically i worked for this really extremely poorly run restaurant/brewery pub called Laurelwood. It's a long story, but the place has the worst management. Some of the people weren't like, bad people, but the way it was managed was really bad in ways i would have to spend hours explaining. They recently did a deal with Ninkasi a little over a year ago and now you can find their beer everywhere, and i guess if you are into beer most people seem to like it, so it's not really a diss on their alcohol itself though i am more of a hard liquor/hard cider fan and beer isn't typically my thing unless it's some desserty imperial stout. They expected a lot from their employees - and because of their poor management they also kind of let a lot of us get away with stuff. So we kind of, as employees created a very strong personal work ethic and friendship amongst one another in turn, we within reason broke rules and had a system of doing it to where we remained competent and managed ourselves, as our management was failing and self centered. If it wasn't the really cool friends i made there - some of the closest friends i have ever had and a ton of first time unique experiences - i learned a ton about myself and grew a lot in that position, i probably would have hated it. the owner was the kind of boomer who wanted to pull in hype of like, young trendy Portland kids, but they really made it look like a bad wannabe applebees and never really valued the fact that we were basically keeping the place open for him, so the aesthetic was kinda lazy and the demeanor between us and our top heavy upper management was pretty separated.

Anyway, since of course i worked in this field when the whole pandemic thing happened, I was naturally laid off. They didn't pay us. They sent us a message saying they just didn't have the money, and it's clear that they hoped to just, kinda, take the money they had left and bounce. The message was vague and demeaning, and everyone in the last three weeks is essentially working for nothing. So, one of the brewers, a pretty nice dude named Brandon that i didn't know too well, went on reddit and was respectful and clear, about how this really messed him up. They not only cannot pay us for the last two pay periods, but they also had a lot of their previous checks bounce. This on top of the financial collapse. To me, it's bad, but i sort of expect a lot of bad stuff now. I mean, this kind of collapse was a long time coming. I imagine it's going to take literally years for Portland to bounce back. I hear horror stories from long time Portlanders about how pretty decent people just became homeless during the recession of 2008, and i have a feeling this is going to be even worse. I feel like thus far in my life, though i've had a lot of really bad luck with relationships and family stuff, and sometimes my health, I've never had to really worry about something like this so directly impacting me. When 2008 happened, i was 19, I had never worked and lived with my parents on bare minimum, but my life had always been that way so i never felt that bad about it, though on retrospect it was kind of neglect. I lived in a factory town that had particular staples and products that never were that hit by the market crash, so that particular town in Idaho never saw a real drop in unemployment. I read about the collapse a lot, watched the Big Short and stuff, so i have my fairly strong opinions about it, but it's never actually caused me to go without. My mother is a nurse at a nursing home, and my father worked at a bullet factory. And like i said, i was relatively unaffected.

The message from Brandon took off, on reddit, thousands of people are seeing it and are disgusted, and they are being turned in for not paying us, because that is theft, that is illegal. I am willing to sign whatever documents neccesary when it comes down to it, if i don't get paid eventually. I was already personally very bad off, and i have this bitter realization that after the damage of this pandemic takes it's toll, I'm gonna have to struggle hard. I am not even mad at this point in a personal way. I just think companies need to know you don't fucking treat people this way. That the principle of the matter is that we are not just cogs for businesses to step on. We need to make the wealthy, even the vaguely wealthy people know that they need to appreciate fully those who work for them and under them, and when something bad happens, and they better intend on taking care of those people, or whatever their business model is is going to fail. It goes without saying that this pandemic has exposed a lot of what was already there. I think some people are naive enough to believe this corruption or this problem was unexpected. Lawmakers, and people who are privileged should have worked to make sure that hospitals had enough for the worst case scenario, and that there needs to be a safety net for people. None of these issues are new. I mean, it's not, at all. This is the rich doing the same old shit they have always done, and i imagine, trying so hard not to be pessimistic, but imagining just the same that this is only going to get worse. There are so many homeless drug addicted and mentally ill people in Portland already it's crazy. There was already rent that was impossible for full time employees to pay. It's funny because all these 'luxury suites' are being built throughout town in Portland, and i wonder now who they think is going to move in. Most of them were empty anyway. It's a mystery to me, because in a way it is classic gentrification the way they tore down old buildings and built these giant fancy expensive apartment buildings everywhere, but kind of weird because they were mostly empty. I mean, how could that have been worth it to investors or business owners?

I guess there is a lot I don't know about the stockmarket, banks, finance, housing and such, but it stands to reason that if you spend hundreds of millions to build something and nobody can afford to live there or pay your inflated rent, why are you bothering? I was told that a lot of these places were because of the Portland's population grew so much and these buildings were just now being built from people who had hoped to ride the 'rich Californian movers' era. The rent has just become kind of unmanageable. It's normal to live in a house with four or five people, all working full time just to maintain a single bedroom in a house of half-strangers. Meanwhile, studios that don't even come with a separate bedroom are nearly 2000 dollars, and things that should be there to help the homeless like tiny houses are marketed to rich minimalists who are so bored and guilt ridden by their own privilege they have to pretend to be quaint little peasants in order to feel unique in their own position, that they literally make it expensive to live in something not unlike a camper. But Portland is now just kind of at a steady growth. They came to late, and now with what's happened, what comes next.

Anyway, i am not leaving this city. I hated Idaho. It was a sad place for me, and i see a lot of beauty in Portland. I feel like i have a personal relationship with a good portion of the city. I tried to walk ten miles a day the first year i lived here. I lost a lot of weight here, fell in love here, I had a lot of meaningful experiences, met new people, gained new perspective. I've been afraid for my life here, drank more here, lost and found myself i mean, it's been an adventure in and of itself that becomes clearer to me now the more i have been here. I really do love Portland. It's sad but a lot of places i really loved and appreciated here in Portland won't be here anymore when this is over. A lot of small businesses i really appreciated. The kind of stuff that makes Portland really interesting, or reaching for something new. I hope that culture will crop up again, but we shall see.

I have a dry cough, and i wonder if i am catching Covid 19. My throat tingles a little, and I've already had two fever/colds in the last month, so something tells me this is it. Like a pregnant woman waiting to give birth or something. I am self quarantining. I'm a little nervous because a friend of a friend has a cousin in the FBI who has heard word from his superiors that they are considering the possibility of a full on quarantine, closing even the grocery stores. I didn't want to give in to early hysteria, like the toilet paper thing baffled me. I remember people getting really scared about Pigflu and Birdflu in the past years, but it didn't seem to really spread too far, though i did catch the Pigflu. My foodstamps refill on the 7th, so i hope if this does happen, they don't close by then. I just need to get in and get some bare essentials, because it now is looking like it might be smart to stock up now.

It's funny too, because i am not a homebody. I naturally am inclined to be depressed if i stay in one place too long. I have a somewhat mild case of ADHD, and i love to move, and i enjoy working. If i won the lottery, i'd still work in some fashion for 20 hours a week because i realize i don't feel satisfied living for myself. I like having a civilian duty, even if it's just cleaning off tables. I like feeling useful and connected to people. But i have a leg injury that's not going to heal on it's own, so walking has hurt me for the last eight months, and now this, and i have a health condition that makes it pretty easy for me to gain weight. So i am trapped in the house, snacking and trying to find things that make me laugh or inspire me. I did get inspired to start making paper mache masks. I think i can make the most of my quarantine time. I just hope they don't close the grocery stores before i get my money.

I am worried about both my parents. I have a lot of family, so it's not that unlikely i could lose someone to this virus. I am not concerned with myself that much. I could die, but the chances are relatively low. I am reading a lot of informed reddit posts, about the aftermath of this whole thing, and i'm a little bit nervous.

[avengers-nextgen]

First Day Of School

The discussion was brought up by Nathaniel who was already excited for when his niece finally had her first day of school. Granted, it was a while off, he was stoked to get the opportunity to be a cool uncle sending her off with a look of pride.

“Sometimes first days of school aren’t that great,” Scout noted.

“Awe, I thought you liked school,” Orion frowned.

“I do,” Scout admitted, “but my first day was a bad day.”

“What’d you do? Eat glue?” Penny asked, earning a glare from the book worm.

“No,” Scout shook his head, “I missed the bus and had to ride on Uncle Steve’s motorcycle to school. It messed up my hair so I looked like Albert Einstein which the other kids found funny. I wasn’t allowed in the book section without supervision, and then they refused to let me have peanut butter on my celery sticks because of nut alergies. I asked if anyone had nut alergies -they didn’t. Then I had to sit in the corner for being smart with the teacher. And because I wasn’t used to getting in trouble I cried which made the other kids laugh so I cried more.”

“Awe,” Orion pouted, “that actually does suck. Earth education is stupid.”

“Well what was space education like?” Penny asked out of curiosity.

“My first day of school entailed a nice relaxing space ship ride to the campus. There, we played hover hockey which is basically hover ball soccer. We had about two hours of play time a day and even in class it was fun. There were lots of hands on activities. Music was the best though,” Orion grinned.

“Shit, can I have that?” Penny asked.

“What about you? How was your first day?” Orion arched a brow.

“Well, I didn’t know I was dyslexic or that I had ADHD and neither did my parents,” Penny frowned, “so the teacher got pissed over my inability to sit still and not being able to find the desk with my name on it. I mean, I couldn’t really read, none of us could, but most kids could at least recognize their names. Anyways, my day was redeemed when I got to crack into the legos and build a full on replica of a double helix.”

“How does one do that?” Nathaniel snorted.

“With care,” Penny grinned. “Hey Arthur?!”

“Hmm?” The boy asked poking his head out from the kitchen.

“What was your and Chloe’s first day of school?”

“Oh,” Arthur smiled thinly as he made his way to the couch. “We cried our eyes out. The school thought it was best to separate us earlier rather than later. Chloe was absolutely pissed and threw such a large tantrum they had to call our mom to pick her up. “

“That’s actually adorable!” Penny gushed.

“They then moved her back into my class once mom took her to lunch and got her calmed down. Then she pretty much stayed by me and insisted no one mess with her sibling,” Arthur grinned. “I was just shy and nervous. I didn’t really interact with anyone and just hung out with her.”

“Seems stupid they’d seperate you,” Nathaniel shook his head.

“What about you though?” Penny asked looking accusingly at Nathaniel, “you have yet to tell us.”

“My first day of school included me throwing things all over the room from pencils to paper and trying to make baskets or hit fake targets. The principal had to have a talk with my dad because they considered me a threat to the other kids,” Nathaniel laughed. “It was great!”

“What about the others?”

“Why don’t we ask them?” Nathaniel smirked. With that in mind he and the others went knocking on everyone’s door. Curiosity had clearly won over and the stories were too good not to share.

“My first day of school....”James frowned tapping at his chin, “oh I remember now. Well, I got in trouble for climbing on things. I managed to get on top of a filing cabinet. Then, my teacher took issue with me sharpening my carrots with my teeth to make spear heads.”

“You did what?” Orion stammered.

“Hey, my mother thought it was funny,” James shrugged.

“That’s honestly hysterical,” Penny snickered. “What’d they do after that?”

“Essentially kicked me out,” James grinned slyly, “so I got extra summer vacation.”

“You sly dog,” Orion chuckled.

“Hey, just ask Alex what happened with her it’s even better,” James promised.

So they asked her.

“I dropped a set of scissors and I got worried that I’d lose them. When I couldn’t find them I may have picked up the desk with one hand and then managed to collect the scissors with my other. My teacher nearly had a heart attack,” Alex blushed.

“That’s amazing!” Sage cackled, “I would pay to see the look on your teacher’s face!”

“Well I didn’t know what I was doing,” Alex stammered, “I was little and I just wanted to make a picture during craft time.”

“It’s okay,” Sage laughed wiping at her tear filled eyes.

“What about you? You can’t make fun of me if you don’t share your first day,” Alex pouted.

“My first day was what you’d expect from me,” Sage smirked getting a gleam in her eyes, “I caught a lizard on the playground and set it loose in class. I named it Steve. They never found him. Then during lunch I used the spoon for my yougurt to launch raisins at kids. I also pulled a kids pants down after he said I was stupid for thinkig girls could throw. My mom was very unamused at first but when we got in the car she laughed. The school didn’t let me go back.”

“You named a lizard after my dad?” Alex snorted.

“I didn’t even know your dad at the time,” Sage rolled her eyes, “but it seemed fitting.”

“Are you saying my dad is scaly?”

“I mean,” Sage shrugged, “he could be I don’t know.”

“Shut up,” Alex laughed rolling back onto her bed.

“So, nothing about you has changed at all has it?” Arthur asked.

“No, not really.”

After a small lunch break, Nathaniel and his little gang moved on to Siyanda eager to see what the princess’ first day was like.

“I only growled like a cat at people because I didn’t want to be friends with anyone since they annoyed me. I also only ate sitting on the floor. I essentially made myself seem so weird no one wanted to talk to me just so I didn’t have to put up with other people. My parents were mortified,” she explained.

“The amount of commitment,” Scout whistled, “I should take notes.”

“Please don’t start growling like a giant cat,” Orion whined.

“It’s a joke,” Scout assured him.

The next story they heard was that of Fox’s. She showed up with miss matched socks, an inside out shirt, and syrup from waffles on her cheeks. She intimidated the other kids too much for them to actually talk to her and even the teachers weren’t sure what to make of her. While she seemed rather free spirited due to the interesting fashion choices, her eyes could kill.

Enzo, on the other hand, was extremely personable and nearly everyone liked him right away. The only ridiculous thing that happened was him trying to eat the macaroni for the macaroni necklaces his class was making. Apparently it doesn’t taste good.

As for Piper, she had to endure a bunch of odd looks and rapid fire questions. She came home and passed out asleep on the couch from sheer mental exhaustion. After that, Tony put her in a smaller, less overwhelming school.

“I guess as kids with super parents we just have really weird first days,” Penny decided.

“Thankfully Ellie has two very normal parents,” Nathaniel sighed.

“Yeah, but a weird ass uncle,” Arthur teased.

“Oh ha ha,” Nathaniel joked, snaking his arm around Arthur’s shoulders and giving him a good knuckle sandwich. “You remember that this weird uncle is still super cool.”

“Okay, Okay!” Arthur laughed, dropping to his knees to escape the assault. He laid their gasping for air while Nathaniel grinned like a cat.

“I love this family,” Penny sighed.

[shadownamehere]

Purchased My First Tarot Deck Yesterday

12/4/17

It’s a Rider-Waite Tarot Deck. Very official. Found it in the Metaphysics section of a Half-Price books by my home. Got it at a sweet $8.99, which, if you’re a mostly-online shopper, like me, is kind of a steal for a tarot deck.

It wasn’t my initial choice. There were a surprising amount of tarot decks at the bookstore. All of them in brand new condition, too. It was overwhelming, I’ll admit. But when hou have ADHD, like I do, life in general is overwhelming.

At first I was interested in this pretty Egyptian tarot deck, but it was kind of underwhelming, and I could tell when the cards were upside down, which I know isn’t a big deal, but I found it distracting regardless. Most of the other decks were various grades of quality, in terms of aesthetic.

Got the myriad (and I do not use that word flippantly) of choices just down to two: the Rider-Waite tarot deck & the Tarot of Marseilles. Both just similar, and distinct enough to be a difficult choice. One, a classic. The other, an older classic. I compared Major Arcana, and the Minor.

It was the Rider-Waite that won out after consulting my sister, ********, who’s essentially my good twin, who agreed. It really is quite a nice deck, and I find it especially fitting that it be my first tarot deck. Snagged a few books on different kinds spells on my way out, too.

Spent some time bonding with my tarot deck before using it. I shuffled it up, and then I organized each of the Major Arcana, focusing on their symbolism, and how each made me feel. I did the same thing with the Minor Arcana. Once I had organized all the cards, I shuffled them while doing some lightly focused meditation.

My best friend, ****, was the first person I did a tarot reading for. Ever. She arrived precisely as I was wrapping up bonding with my tarot deck. I’ll admit, the two of us were nervous about what to expect, but it helped that she’s a believer in cartomancy. The willing energy certainly emboldend us.

It was a simple Past, Present, Future reading. But I’ll tell you, the cards could have been more scary accurate. While my best friend and I delved into the readings results, and familiarized ourselves with the three cards, and their meanings, we were both visibly shaking. But in a, like, good way.

I was actually really pleased with how the reading turned out, as was my best friend. Energized by the first reading, **** asked for another kind of reading, to which I happily obliged. As her Future card had indicated some unexpected interactions with Love, we chose a love compatibility reading.

Again, the results were scary accurate, if not enlightening, and not in “Oh, you two are perfect, and your love is eternal” mumbo-jumbo. But legitimate, deep, symbolism erupted from the cards as we explored them, and I could tell it left **** with some good food-for-thought.

As for me, I was practically over the moon. I understand that tarot card readings can be inexact, but the reaction I’d garner was not what I had expected, especially for my first time. Filled me with excitement, wonder, curious, and utter belief that I was movig towards the proper path in my craft.

After two strong readings, I figured I’d not push my luck, and gave my tarot deck a rest. Figured there’d no harm in contining my bondinf rituals with the Rider-Waite, so I brought it along with **** and I as we hung out, and watched television. That night, I put the deck under my bed, and went to sleep.

This morning, when I awoke, I performed a simple weed ritual, meditating in a circle with a white candle, bowl of salt, and a small bowl of moon water I had charged during the Super Moon on 12/3, when the alignment was in my Sun Sign, Gemini. I left East corner of the circle empty, blowing smoke into the direction.

I held my hands while I meditated in the circle. Focusing on the spiritual effects of the marijuana, and on imprinting/charging my deck with my own magical energy. After about 30 minutes, I combined the elements, and closed the circle.

Three being my favorite number, and quite a powerful one at that. I felt the third use of my tarot deck would be optimal in discovering my Personal Signifier card. So, I proceeded to cut my deck, then split it into thirds, and then split it further.

I’ll admit at first I was afraid I was doing something wrong. As I closed my eyes, focusing on the different aspects of myself, it first, at least initially, I couldn’t feel any difference between the cut cards. Sweep aside doubt, however, I meditated further.

I won’t tell you I knew immediately which deck I was to drop my hand over. The sensation wasn’t overt. It was subtle. For me, it felt like an unconscious pulling. Something I was aware I knew, but that doubt clouded with second-guessing. It wasn’t a tingling exactly, but a very light warmth on the bottom of my palms.

Eventually I came down to my final two cards: Left & Right. I asked permission from the Rider-Waite to see my Personal Signifier, and flipped the Left card. Staring back at me were the Lovers, 6th card of the Major Arcana, representative of the zodiac sign, Gemini. My sign.

Delving into the strength, weaknesses, and symbolism of the card, I became overwhelmed, and got a little teary-eyes, which surprised me. I had doubts about the whole thing, as I’m sure most witchlings feel, but I stuck with it regardless, and I believe it paid off.

If a Major Arcanum signifier represents aspects & shades of yourself that are carved in stone for your entire lifetime, then I could do worse than the Lovers. The duality of the card just hit my soul to the core. As a genderfluid individual, I felt literal relief to see the Feminine & Masculine represented so equally. The symbolism really made sense with the paths I’d carved throughout my life. Also 6. 3+3. Coincidence or bizarre self-fulfillment?

They say skepticism within your craft is healthy, and I completely agree. But my magical interactions with the tarot have rejuvenated my energies and given me the real kick I was needing to hone & develop my craft.

More to come.

[modern-femme-fatale]

Answer all the questions 1-92

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? No thanks it was my gfs sister.
2. You talked to an ex today, correct? Nope.
3. Have you taken someones virginity? Yes.
4. Is trust a big issue for you? YES.
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? Yes, a bunch of my sorority sisters went down, and I get to see my baby tn💗
6. What are you 🙌 for? My gfs mom to stay strong, & loving myself fully.
7. What happened tonight? I was sick ☹️
8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? Honestly kinda 🤷🏻‍♀️
9. Is confidence cute? Confidence is hot.
10. What is the last beverage you had? Water lol 
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? 1
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Yes, most of my jeans, if not all are skinny jeans 
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Work and then prob write and go to bed, I know I live a very wild life...
14. What are you going to spend 💰 on next? Prob my beautiful girl. 
15. Are you going out with the last person you 😘? Yes 😊
16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? I will prob change in the next week, change/growth is so important.
17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? My girl, my mom, my best friend kate. 
18. The last time you felt broken? Two nights ago lmao
19. Have you had sex today? Not yet 😛❤️
20. Are you starting to realize anything? You never really know what someone's going through, you must always be kind. 
21. Are you in a good mood? Eh, I'm not feeling great.
22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? Yes, the first day I met my gf I wanted to skinny dip into the lake that apparently had a bunch.
23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? Yes.
24. What do you want right this second? My girl to be here already.
25. What would you say if the person you 😍/like 😘 another girl/boy? I would say we are over.
26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Kinda, I dyed it last year but it still has some ombré left.
27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you 😂? No way!!
28. What was the last thing that made you 😂? Honestly this is bad but I work at a grooming salon and both my doggie clients shat themselves today so bad (after I washed and blow dried them)and I was so grossed tf out so the best thing to do was laugh it off.
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? I miss my puppy who I had to put down, and my gf who's coming over later tn.
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Depends the severity of the circumstance.
31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? I don't like to hate anyone, it's not worth my energy. 
32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? Yes haha pretty sure my gf knows how I feel ab her.
33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? I try not to.
34. Listening to? The weekend (always)
35. Do you ever write in ✏️ anymore? Not really.
36. Do you know where the last person you 😘 is? Yes, my gfs sisters bfs place 
37. Do you believe 😍 at first sight? No I believe in the electricity between people.
38. Who did you last call? My gf.
39. Who was the last person you danced with? My friend jess.
40. Why did you 😘 the last person you 😘? Because she means the world to me and I love kissing her❣️
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? Lol not for a while! 
42. Did you hug/😘 one of your parents today? No, i live an hour and half from my moms💔
43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? I feel like my life is one big embarrassing story haha so probably..
44. Do you tan in the nude? Depends where I am tanning.
45. If you could, would you take back your last 😘? No, never. I can't wait to kiss her again actually.
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell 😴 last night? I tried to but I didn't feel good so I was up still.
47. Who was the last person to call you? My gf.
48. Do you sing in the 🚿? Sometimes🙃
49. Do you dance in the 🚗? A lot haha
50. Ever used a 🏹? Nopee
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Hmm prob over the summer for a woodsy shoot.
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Nah, but I'd prefer to watch something else.
53. Is Christmas stressful? It's both fun and stressful at the same time, the spending part can be stressful. 
54. Ever eat a pierogi? I make pierogis all the time!
55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple!
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A scientist 😂
57. Do you believe in ghosts? I believe in spirits that haven't moved on for whatever reason. 
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? ALL THE FRICKEN TIME🙄🙄
59. Take a vitamin daily? No I prob should though.
60. Wear slippers? Yes😄 I wear my hippo slippers a lot 
61. Wear a 🛀 robe? All the time, I could live in bath robes 
62. What do you wear to 🛏️? I'm either naked or wearing fuzzy pajamas or a sleep dress
63. First concert? Maroon5💗
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Target
65. Nike or Adidas? Nike
66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos
67. 🥜 or 🌻 seeds? Peanuts 
68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? Wildest dreams i guess, not a big Taylor fan.
69. Ever take dance lessons? Yeah I grew up dancing.
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Nopee, better be making that money thoo💸 jk lol
71. Can you curl your tongue? Yerp
72. Ever won a spelling 🐝? No lol 
73. Have you ever 😢 because you were so happy? Yes, ever since my girl. 
74. What is your favorite 📓? A stolen life by Jaycee Dugourd 
75. Do you study better with or without 🎶? Without I have such bad ADHD, squirrel!
76. Regularly burn incense? Nope I use candles and essential oil diffuser 
77. Ever been 😍? Yes, so in love w my girl.
78. Who would you like to 👀 in concert? The weekend again, Rihanna, drake, the weekend, Russ, post Malone, the weekend.
79. What was the last concert you saw? The weekend 😍
80. Hot tea or cold tea? Either, I love tea. 
81. Tea or coffee? Tea.
82. Favorite type of 🍪? Sugar cookie 
83. Can you swim well? Noo I really can't lmao
84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes. 
85. Are you patient? Not at all!
86. DJ or band, at a wedding? DJ
87. Ever won a contest? I don't remember. 
88. Ever have plastic surgery? No, I'm all natural😏 haha
89. Which are better black or green olives? Depends what kinda green olives.
90. Opinions on sex before marriage? Do it.
91. Best room for a fireplace? Living room.
92. Do you want to get married? I think so.