#we do have tarot symbolism in my nightmares now so that's a new step in a direction

[saltedsolenoid]

they hate me for my costumeboy swag (the horrors are relentless and unending)

[practicalmagicintuitions]

SH general + general love reading

DISCLAIMER: If you will send me an Anon, I will answer in the same tone as your ask, opinion is written.

All information and statements made in this reading or any other post of mine are all alleged until proven to be fact and for entertainment purposes & usage only. All information stated is based on my intuition and my tarot cards. Opinion only. The readings have no intention to cause any harm to the individuals, people featured in it

I have to tell you I know nothing, absolutely nothing about SH. I haven’t seen him in anything. So it was a challenge for me, but I loved it. Therefore I cannot really answer questions about him which is not about this reading, but anyhow if you have questions or want to tell me something, go on! 

I used The Llewellyn Tarot by Anna-Marie Ferguson so we will have a few different cards potentially, I will describe those. 

General Past-Present-Future This part of the reading is everything, carrier, love, everything. 

Four of Pentacles, King of Cups rx

4 of P is about financial stability. investments it is also about hoarding being guarded, closed.

 I think in the past he was maybe unnecessarily worried about money and his number one goal was to establish himself financially. This caused that KofCrx situation where he didn’t really have the time or urge to have a meaningful deep relationship. Or even if he had he wasn’t acting really nurturing in it. He was turbulent, overwhelmed and guarded. Maybe he has a fear that women want only his resources, money, fame, or he thought he can only focus on one thing at the same time and he chose finances not emotions to focus on.

4ofP also means saving for a bigger thing. House, travel etc. With the rx Cups, it could mean work alcoholism in the past. As a father, partner etc this king could be moody or overly protective. But this King could be very kinky too. If this would be a future family reading I would say this could mean fertility problems.

4ofP sometimes comes up if someone's upbringing was lacking money, so hoarding, saving is important. This card also means someone has a belief in themselves. He has a clear vision of who he is, where his boundaries lie etc. This also could mean someone is a little bit of a control freak, likes orders or if their things are in order etc. This card also means (because of the closeness and guarded part) that someone is very private. He doesn’t like to share any part of his life

Present

The Magician.

His present is filled with creativity and goals he wants to manifest. He is a very independent thinker. confidence, self-rule, freedom is important to him. He is charming and has leadership qualities. I think he has a clear vision of what he wants and is working on it to make it a reality. Maybe he is spiritual, connected to his higher self or believes in God etc. The Magician has all of the symbols of the 4 suits, so I think he finally feels he has everything he wanted to take the next step, to create his dream future. Especially if he was hoarding in the past, so this is definitely a step up. 

Future

Seven of Swords, The Fool

I think with the 7ofSw he will release everything that holds him back. In this deck this card is more like acceptance, leaving something behind kind of acceptance. Accepting that we made some mistake that’s why we didn't have success in certain areas in the past ( I am getting that is more like about his private, love life) And with the Fool is a very new beginning

In this deck, this Fool is not some daydreamer who is wandering around and bumping into the Magician by accident. No, this Fool is quick, fast, knows what he wants, knows his goals.

It’s a pagan deck, and the Major Arcana is based on myths and legends of medieval Wales. This fool is Peredur (or Parsifal) who was one of the knights of the Round Table. Here he is only a “fool”. His mother was who advised him to seek Arthur and claim his knighthood. So he has a goal right at the start. His mom gave Peredur many pieces of advice one of them was he should seek the love of a fair, esteemed woman. So this maybe could be real-life advice he received from his mom or his family. 

Which led us to the relationship part of the reading. 

It was interesting to see that the relationship part was in tune with the general one. 

Past- Page of wands rx

In the past, he was unreliable, lazy. He was not ready for a real relationship but he always made excuses for it. He probably felt it is too much effort and he wanted to focus on his career. He was tense, he wanted to move all the time. Maybe physically maybe from relationship to relationship. He was a charmer who maybe spent the night with you but he wasn’t particularly enthusiastic in the morning. He was the “I have to run, I am late” guy. 

Present - The Star

This card is again, being calmer, after the storm (this card comes after the destruction of the Tower). Being one step closer to our goal. This is the realisation that purely earthy goods are not enough and we need a deep soul connection too. With a partner, with friends, family. It could mean he is involved with some type of charity work or social causes, maybe he could meet someone through it but I get more like a general vibe, maybe this type of work will help him to be more open, not that guarded. It is also peace, freedom, guiding star. For me, with the Magician above means that he is very aware of his presence and what he want to achieve in the future and he is hopeful about it. And again, the Fool in this deck is a very determined one. But the Star card itself is a long journey type of card, you need to be patient. But I think he knows this. And this is not just romantic love it is more universal love, that’s why this can be about charity. 

Future - Seven of wands rx

This card is warning you being too patient or doing nothing can be dangerous. So while he is on his patient and calm route with the Star this shows it has a flip side too. But I don’t think this is the strongest message here. What I am getting more and this is an overlooked meaning of this card, is that he will find new ways and approaches in a future relationship other than battling or confrontation or just sneak out from inconvenient situations. Especially, if we look back on his past with the PofWrx and with his general future card with the Fool. So he knows or will know he needs new ways. He is hopeful while trying to manifest that and make it a reality ( the Magician, the Star). He is ready to let go of his guarded way of life, the battling and let people in.

In general, I think at this moment he doesn’t really have anyone specific, maybe he is dating or seeing someone casually but what I get is that he is ready. In his soul in his mind, he is more familiar with the idea to have someone serious or give a chance to have a meaningful, serious relationship. And I think this is an amazing phase. This is the energy I got. So I feel from now on it is up to the circumstances and not to him, because he is ready. He has done the hard work, the most important one. And one law of the universe is we get back what we put out. So I think he has a good chance in the romantic field to receive back amazing things because he learned and done the work. 

I hope you enjoyed it, I know I overlooked a few things and it could have been 2 pages longer but I wanted to type it because I promised this a long time ago. I also had a little health problems in the last 2 weeks and on top of that I am refurbishing my house and this is a nightmare but I didn’t want to use those as an excuse. But the last 2 weeks was not calm for me, so I couldn’t do a longer reading. Hopefully, the next ones will be longer. 

I hope you enjoyed it.

Be blessed.

[pitiless-achilles-wept]

2020 Can Take My Hair, But Not My Hope

My hair started falling out on election night.

I thought at first it might be the anxiety, that I was literally pulling my hair out with worry over numbers I already knew were not going to be definitive before the night wore into morning but which I stayed up until 3:30am watching anyway. I tweeted rapidly, reassuring my jittery timeline that not only had we all known that the night would bring no results but that we had even expected Trump to lead in key states because of the greater number of mail-in ballots from urban areas that would largely count for Biden. We knew. We all knew. But we were all terrified, flashing back to 2016 and already dreading another four years of living life on high alert, in constant survival mode.

I posted a selfie with a tweet that read, "Could be the last presidential election I vote in (blah blah stage 4 cancer blah blah) and I wish it were better and clearer than this but it's a crucial privilege to have voted. Remember, whatever the outcome, the last thing they can take from you is your hope."

To me that last sentence has been a mantra for these years and for my treatment. I have consistently refused, despite overwhelmingly terrible odds, to lose hope. The story of Pandora's Box tells us that the very last thing left inside was Hope--that even once all the demons were out in the world there was that tiny, feathered creature left to hang on to. It hasn't been easy, but I am one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet (and if you doubt this just ask anyone who's ever fought me on anything!) and it has turned out to be a saving grace rather than an irritating personality trait. Feeling like the world was trying to take my hope away made me angry. And when I get angry I will fight back.

I know I'm not alone in feeling like we entered some kind of alternate nightmare timeline on election night 2016. To that point, despite periods of immense personal difficulty, nothing truly terrible had happened to me. Then, in short order, my marriage ended and I was diagnosed with and began being treated for a terminal illness, all against the backdrop of a regime so deliberately hateful that it was truly incomprehensible to me. Then, a global pandemic and national crisis swept away the small consolations I'd found in my new life with cancer. The temptation to feel hopeless was strong and I struggled with it, particularly in the isolation of quarantine. I'm struggling with it now, facing a winter of further lockdowns, social isolation, continued chemo, and the added indignity (and chilliness!) of not having any hair. But somehow the coincidence of my hair loss with election night seemed like a good omen for the future, if a sad thing for the present.

I heard the news that they had called Pennsylvania for Biden at a peaceful Airbnb in the Catskills after stepping out of a shower where lost hair in handfuls. It felt oddly like a sacrifice I had made personally. I joked about this with friends on the text chains that lit up and that (despite my promise to myself and my writing partner that we'd "go off the grid") I responded to immediately. Instant replies, with emojis and GIFs, participated in the fiction: "Thank you for your service!!!"; "We ALL appreciate your sacrifice!"; "Who among us would NOT give up their hair for no more Trump?". The feeling was real for me, though. It was as though the good news demanded some kind of karmic offering. You never get something for nothing, I thought, and really it was a small price to pay.

The rest of the weekend passed too quickly, with absorption in the novel I plan (madly, given that I also work full-time) to work on for "National Novel Writing Month" (NaNoWriMo), walks in the unseasonably warm woods, and nighttime drinks on the back deck under the stars, watching my hair blow off in fine strands and drift through the sodium porch light. My friend and I read tarot and both our layouts contained The Tower, the card for new beginnings from total annihilation, the moment of destruction in which (as the novel's title says) everything is illuminated. "This might sound dumb," he said, "but maybe yours is about your hair." It did not sound dumb.

[shaved heads, the 2020 election, and a couple pics under the cut]

There is probably no more iconic visual shorthand for cancer than hair loss. It happens because chemo agents target fast-proliferating cells, which tend to inhabit things that grow rapidly by nature (hair, fingernails), or that we need to replenish often (cells in the gut), as well as out-of-control cancer cells. But not all cancer treatments, not even all chemotherapies, cause hair loss. In my 20 months of being treated for cancer and my three previous treatments (four, if you count the surgery I had) nothing had yet affected my hair beyond a bit of thinning. This despite the fact that my first-ever treatment (Taxol) was widely known to cause hair loss for "everyone." I had been fortunate with this particular side effect in a narrow way that I have absolutely not been on a broader scale. "Maybe," I had let myself think, "I can have this one thing." The odds were in my favor too; only 38% of people in clinical trials being treated with Saci lost their hair. I liked the odds of being in the 62% who didn't. But--as we all felt deep in our gut while they counted votes in battleground states--odds aren't everything.

I had come to treat the "strength" of my hair as a kind of relative consolation (though as with everything cancer "strength," "weakness," and the rhetoric of battle have nothing to do with outcomes). I treasured still having it, not just out of vanity (though I have always loved my hair whatever length, style, or color it has been) but because it allowed me to pass among regular people as one of them. I had no visible markers of the illness that is killing me, concealed as first the tumor and then the scars were by my clothing. "You look wonderful," people would tell me, even when I suffered from stress fractures from nothing more than running or sneezing; muscle spasms in my shoulder and nerve death in my fingertips; nausea that I swallowed with swigs from my water bottle that just made me look all the more like a hydration-conscious athlete; and profound, constant, and debilitating fatigue. Invisible illness had its own perils but I would take them--take all of them at once if necessary!--if only I could keep my hair and look normal.

It was not to be. A part of me had known this, since a lifetime with metastatic cancer means a lifetime of treatments a solid proportion of which result in hair loss. But I had hoped. And I had liked the odds.

The hardest thing for me is having to give up this particular consolation before knowing whether or not my new treatment is also working on my cancer. Unfortunately, there really isn't a correlation between side effects like hair loss and effectiveness of treatment. If it is working then I will feel that--like the election to which I felt I had karmically contributed--it was all completely worth it. Yet, even in this best case scenario, there's a new reality for me which is that while I am on this treatment I will stay bald. When you are a chronic patient you hope for a treatment that will work well with manageable side effects. And if this treatment works--and if the other side effects are as ok-ish as they are now--then I will remain on it.

It's that future that I am furious about more than anything else. I want to continue to live my life, of course, but I don't want to have to do it bald! In part that is because I don't want to register to people constantly as an archetypal "cancer patient" when I know that I am so much more. It is also in part because I don't want to think of myself as being ill, and living every day having to disguise my absent hair will make that all the tougher. I have already noticed that I feel, physically, as though I am sicker because of my constantly shedding hair. How could I not, in some ways, when every move I make and every glance at myself (including in endless Zoom windows) shows me this highly visible change?

For that reason, I'm shaving my remaining hair tomorrow (Wednesday). It's a way to feel less disempowered--less like hair loss is happening to me--and wrest control of the situation back. I will try to find agreeable things about it: wigs, scarves, cozy caps, bright lipstick, statement earrings, and a general punk/Mad Max vibe that is appropriate to 2020. But I don't want anyone to think for a second that I find this agreeable, or even acceptable, or that I don't mind. I mind a whole hell of a lot. My hair was my consolation prize, my camouflage, my vanity, my folly, and my battle cry.

I dyed it purple when I was first diagnosed because I knew (or thought I knew) that I would be losing it soon. I didn't, and I came to cherish it as a symbol of my boldness in the face of circumstances trying to oppress me, to make me shrink, to tempt me to become invisible. I refused and used it to "shout" all the louder in response. Because of what it came to mean to me, I'm nearly as sad about losing the purple as I am about losing the hair itself. It both symbolized the weight I was carrying and also that I would not let that weight grind me down. It was my act of resistance and my sign resilience all at once.

I sent a text to my friends, explaining this and offering, as an idea, that I could "pass the purple" to them in some way, small or large. It would feel more like handing off a torch or a weight (or the One Ring) than anyone shaving their head in solidarity. (After all, if they did that it would just remind me as I watched theirs grow back that, in fact, our positions were very different.) You're welcome to do it if you'd like too, internet friends, with temporary or permanent dye or a wig or a headband or one of those terrible 90s hairwraps or whatever. But I don't require that anyone do it because I feel support from you all in myriad ways, all the time. (But if you do, please send me pictures!)

It's November 2020. The election is over and Joe Biden has won. I still have cancer and I'll be bald tomorrow. I hope it's a turning point, both personal and global, because it feels like one. We've given up a lot in the last four years and I cannot say that I feel in any way peaceful or accepting about having to give up yet one more thing. But in losing my hair I absolutely refuse to also give up my hope.

(On our walk we did also seem to find a version of The Tower, all that was left of an abandoned house)

[eclecticlanie]

Child Spirit claps back!

OK! SOOOO. A little back story first. I left my first husband 10 years ago. I left EVERYTHING with him except my daughter. I use to write novels (never published), songs, poems, draw all sorts of artwork, and my clothes were my life (I was particular about my fashion choices). I left everything: books, original artworks, basically my soul and identity. When I left I did not write or do any art ever again. I had to focus on being a first time mother, go to work full time, and school full time. I had a new identity that left no time or room for who I was from that day forward.

 My Hubs (2nd husband) produces Drum and Bass music and has since he was a teen. I support and help him as much as I can doing whatever I can (singing, speaking, picking out sounds, synths, etc; telling him to remove certain things that don’t work well, so on so forth). He has always taken music seriously and wanted to go much further than he has with it in the past but has held himself back due to fears of being in public eyes and what the media could do to him. Understandable. 

We decided recently to go for it-to take this to the next level if we could. In this process, Hubs decides I need to unpack that 10 years of exiling my talents. He bought me a notebook and now hounds me to speak to him so he can write or have me write my own songs and poems again. I say hounds but really he is trying to inspire me and find me a muse, there is no true negative connotation on it. I am just naturally pessimistic. Hubs is most definitely an optimist and before anyone asks, yes, sometimes it makes me sick (figuratively). In reality we balance each other extremely well. I never have had a more healthy relationship with anyone other than my mother in my life with the exception being Hubs. He is my everything, next to our kids. 

So that brings us to today. We, Hubs and I, are in the kitchen. I am cooking ground beef to make tacos on the stove. We were talking about how I don’t like my voice on recording but I do like it raw and natural and how I don’t understand why I feel I sound different on recording versus not recording. I then decide we need to discuss what we want to change and not to change if we happen to go next level with this music endeavor. As I leave the stove and go into the fridge (literally the fridge is next to the stove so it is only one step away) to make a glass of soda, I ask, “If we do go next level what do we want to stay the same and what do we want to have change?”

I turn around with the soda bottle in hand to go to the counter where my glass is waiting and Hubs is standing. I see a child standing next to him that isn’t mine with sandy brown or sandy blonde hair down to its cheeks. I’m not entirely sure which would better describe the kids hair. I assume it’s a non-binary child right off the bat. This child scares the shit out of me. It was not there prior to this moment. I never have seen this child before in my life and it is standing next to Hubs. I let out a short loud scream upon seeing this child and at this exact moment the child swings it’s hand and hits my Hubs glass of soda out of his own hands. The glass went up then hit the floor. It did not shatter, break, or crack. It was in one piece. Soda was on my upper and lower cabinets, on the floor and the side of the stove. The child was gone. Vanished. 

“What was that?” Hubs looked at me. 

“I don’t know why i screamed like that.” I tried to rationalize with myself, “It was a child.”

I pour myself a glass of soda and go back to cooking. Hubs and I discuss what just happened and didn’t continue the previous conversation we were trying to have about our possible future. We agree to invite the ghost upstairs to have a conversation via tarot after we eat dinner. Tacos took maybe another 3 minutes to cook and construct. We ate at the stove and the kids ate at the dining table. So a whole ten minutes maybe passed before we ran upstairs and grabbed my Nightmare Before Christmas Tarot Deck, pendulum, and pendulum board. 

I’m sitting on the bed and my back is killing me. This spirit is sucking my energy to stay present so I can receive it’s message. I start shuffling and right out of the gate cards are spilling.

The first five:

1. XIX The Sun: 

Directly from the guidebook: 

“When cloudy skies pass, the sun comes out, shining warmth and happiness on everyone’s lives. The excitement, renewed energy, and joy Jack experiences when he discovers Christmas Town perfectly embody the energy of the Sun tarot card. 

Upright: If you’ve been sad or troubled lately, the Sun is a sign you’re about to feel a very positive shift in your life. Use this rejuvenating energy to reconnect with good friends and enjoy yourself. There’s so much enthusiasm in this tarot card. It signifies a powerful time for inspired brainstorming.” 

Interpretation: I believe this represents both the child I seen and the situation. The child had no ill or negative feeling. It was a joyful and happy child. As for the situation, the Sun is calling me out on how I’m very negative and down on myself and that positive things are happening in my life. I need to start removing myself from being pessimistic and join ‘Team Optimistic’ by following through and doing as my Hubs has been pushing me to do. 

2. XVIII The Moon (Reversed):

Directly from the guidebook:

“Moonlight illuminates Jack in the graveyard as he reflects on his feelings. The moon represents a great lament, the subconscious, and intuition.”

“Reversed: In order to move forward, you need to be honest about your feelings, with yourself and others. Expressing yourself will life a weight off your chest and get you out of a melancholy headspace. The Sun is about to come out, and a new day will bring new possibilities.” 

Interpretation: I was in the process of expressing my feelings on my voice right before the glass was thrown. I was being negative and hurtful to myself. The child did not like it and that is why they hit the glass to gain attention and to give me this message thus “the sun is about to come out”. I will be enlightened by the other side as to their feelings rather than focus on my own. 

3. X of Needles:

Directly from the guidebook:

“Upright: X of Needles indicates something is coming to a painful ending. Whether this refers to a friendship, relationship, project, or job, you may be left with heavy emotions. Give yourself time to grieve, but trust that it’s for the best. Fresh beginnings are ahead!”

Interpretation: The 10 years I am unpacking is the means to an end. The hurt will end. I’ve hurt myself enough. My talents no longer need to be buried and not used. They are valid and need to be expressed. They will bleed and feel rushed because the flood gates are now open.

4. Queen of Needles:

Directly from the guidebook: 

“Upright: The Queen of Needles is intelligent, intellectual, and sensible. She takes time to make up her own mind and isn’t easily swayed by trends, fads, or popular opinion. Fair and practical, the Queen of Needles shouldn’t be underestimated. This card is a call to remember how strong you really are.” 

Interpretation: The child is 

5. III of Needles (Reversed): 

Directly from the guidebook:

“Reversed: III of Needles reversed symbolizes coming to terms with the past It’s time to pluck the needles out of your heart, and let it heal. Nurse your wounds and go forward.”

Interpretation: I need to let myself move forward and not punish myself. I need to allow my gifts to thrive and be of use in my life. 

I decided to use the Pendulum board a little bit to confirm everything I had seen. I asked the spirit if I was correct with the sandy brown-blonde hair color. The pendulum swung ‘yes’. I continued, “Definitely not a red head then.” The crystal swung ‘no.’ “Is there more you want to tell me?” ‘Yes.’ I picked up the cards and started shuffling again. Five more cards popped out. 

6. IX The Hermit:

Directly from the guidebook:

“The Hermit is a thoughtful, introverted figure who likes to spend his time ruminating alone--like the Creature Under the Stairs.

Upright: Now’s the time to get inspired by example and withdraw for some quiet alone time. The Hermit calls for reflection, so do a bit of soul-searching. Consider your current position, goals, and dreams. Remember your past, and learn from it so you can bring those lessons with you into a successful future.”

Interpretation: The child wants me to really look deep into myself and accept who I am. 

7. III The Empress (Reversed):

Directly from the guidebook:

“The Empress is a maternal, nurturing figure who enjoys self-indulgence and life’s creature comforts. Our Empress is the Corpse Mom, who is often seen leading her child on a leash.”

“Reversed: Are you being too hard on yourself? You may have been feeling self-critical lately, but beating yourself up about perceived failures and flaws won’t help. Be patient, and give yourself room to make mistakes--they’re learning opportunities.”

Interpretation: I couldn’t have interpreted this card any other way than as they described. I needed to stop bullying myself. The child seemed very adamant with this message.

8. IX of Needles (Reversed):

Directly from the guidebook:

“Reversed: Has your confidence been dealt a blow recently? If you’re feeling low, you may be your own biggest bully. Start focusing on your positive qualities instead of fixating on your perceived negative ones. A shift in perspective is what’s needed to get you out of despair.”

Interpretation: Again, I couldn’t have interpreted this card any differently. I need to get my head out of my ass.

9. VI of Needles:

Directly from the guidebook:

“VI of Needles usually indicates you’ve been through a difficult time. Have you recently been in conflict with someone or experienced an unexpected setback? It’s time to pick up the pieces and get on track again.”

Interpretation: I need to make peace with myself, pick up the pieces I left behind and put them where they belong in my life-not outside of it.

10. Queen of Candles (Reversed):

Directly from the guidebook: 

“Reversed: The reversed Queen of Candles lacks self-confidence. Have you been giving too much attention to the opinions of others? Don’t stifle your ideas and lose your voice. Make time for a bit of soul-searching, and express yourself. Don’t worry what others may think. You have so much to offer!”

Interpretation: Another hard one! All jokes aside, this child couldn’t have been more direct. I need to keep my opinion on myself out of the picture. I need to use my voice-literally. I need to see the value in me and gain confidence. 

I then started telling the spirit I really understood the first time around about their message. Hubs is half laughing at me that I got called out by a child ghost. I continue to state out loud that I understand I need to be nicer to myself and use my talents with the focus of the future in mind. I also state that my back is really starting to kill me and that i would like it to leave if it had nothing more to say. I start shuffling and what do you know... Five more cards...

11. XIIII Death (Reversed):

Directly from the guidebook: 

“Death is often a feared tarot card, but that’s just because its misunderstood. It’s a card of transformation and transition-beginnings and endings. Like the creaky, old gates in Halloween Town’s cemetery, the Death tarot card is a spooky symbol of change and transformation.”

“Reversed: Are you putting off a life-changing decision? Resisting change is impossible and will only cause harm in the long run. Letting go of the familiar can be tough, but trust that accepting transition will make way for positive, fresh beginnings.”

Interpretation: Clearly a change is coming. Whether it be my attitude about myself or how I manage my mental health? Only time will tell. 

12. IV of Needles (Reversed):

Directly from the guidebook:

“Reversed: Here, the restful energy of the IV of Needles card becomes static. Are you feeling stuck? Have you reached a plateau? It’s important to shake yourself out of your routine. When you take a different perspective, you’ll see you have all kinds of opportunities around you.”

Interpretation: I need to look outside of the box when I think about myself.

13. XIV Temperance (Reversed):

Directly from the guidebook:

“Like pouring magical potions into a cauldron, Temperance represents the act of combining different elements together in perfect harmony.”

“Reversed: If life is feeling hectic, it’s time to bring things back into balance. Pay attention to areas of your life that may be a little neglected. The recipe for success requires a pinch of self-reflection and a dash of Temperance. stir thoroughly, and enjoy.”

Interpretation: I need to balance my negativity with positivity. 

14. IV of Candles:

Directly from the guidebook:

“IV of Candles represents celebration. People are recognizing your accomplishments! You’re feeling stable, secure, and comfortable. Be proud of yourself and enjoy the attention, but remember there is still work to be done when the party’s over.”

Interpretation: Although, at our current status as a family, we are successful and doing decent for ourselves but, individually, we can always work and build our characters. 

15. III of Presents (Reversed): 

Directly from the guidebook:

“Reversed: Reversed, III of Presents represents an imbalance within a professional or financial collaboration. If you’re working with others on a project, make sure everyone’s doing their part. Disaster strikes when things become inequitable. Prioritizing teamwork will get you where you want to go.”

Interpretation: I need to be more open about my thoughts, opinions, hopes, fears, etc towards Hubs on this new adventure. 

With this I felt a lot of my back pain let up. I started to slip the cards back into the deck and shuffle them again just to give them an after reading cleanse. Hubs randomly states he was thinking about splurging on a cyber whip rave toy and then another two cards popped out. 

16. XX Judgement:

Directly from guidebook:

“We all have pivotal decisions to make in our lives. Will yours land you on the naughty list or the nice list?

Upright: Now isn’t the time to be hasty and impulsive. Consider your actions and choices carefully, and take time to think things through. Remember that all actions have reactions. Be sensible, and stay true to your conscience.”

Interpretation: The Childs leaving statement is to be mindful as well as ‘you do you’. Apparently, Party time is not on its list of things to do. I may have taken this a little condescendingly. This ghost doesn’t like to have fun. 

17. IV of Presents (Reversed):

Directly from the guidebook:

“Reversed: Is your relationship with money healthy? Is it getting you where you want to go? If not, it may be time to look over your budget and reevaluate your priorities. Make sure you’re not spending frivolously if your cash flow can’t support it right now.”

Interpretation: The spirit child was telling us to maybe not go out and buy a light up whip to dance with. No parties for you! Well... In our house, raves will persevere! GLOW STICKS OUT! RAVE ON! 

[jay-and-dean]

Je ne te mérite pas (I don’t deserve you) Chapter 1.

DeanxReader

Future warnings : Smut, Fluff, Angst, Violence.

Words : 2348

Summary : Dean and her can’t be together.If you ask Dean, he would list so many reasons : Her age, first. Not like she was a kid anymore, but he remerbers picking her from highschool not so long ago. Then Jody, damn, the girl is like a daughter to her, what kind of friend would he be ? He’d talk about her boyfriend and how he’s the opposite of himself. Of course he would expose how poisonous he is, how dangerous it is to be around him. He’d say he want to keep her away from nightmares… And he would conclude with certainly that she just won’t ever love him, why would she ?If you ask her, she just might whisper with a heartbreack in her voice : “I don’t deserve Dean Winchester”.What if they where wrong ?

Note : I’m french, and it is my first time writting in english, so, forgive the mistakes.

YourPov

 Oh shit. He’s here. You take a step back from the window, and your hand comes to your heart, like you still could protect it. Fuck fuckfuck… shit. You weren’t ready to see him, Jody didn’t tell you Sam and him were stopping by. You take a deep breath as you hear the doorbell ring. Nobody’s home but you, come on, you have to go open that damn door.

Even if you know his face by heart, it always strikes you how impressive he is, beautiful, sure, but it’s that charisma that always makes you shake, this depth in his eyes. 

“Hi Dean”

He smile and say something about “grown up” and “sweetheart”. And of course he is taking you in his arms, he always does. You try to hide your insane heartbeats by putting a hand between his chest and yours, and you take a deep inhale of his sent.

 Dean ‘sPov

 What happened?  She was a kid, I’m sure she was. Now look at her… It’s not like I hadn’t seen her in a long time, we had dinner with Jody, Alex and her two months ago.

She makes that face again, like she’s trying to hide something from us. Every time that look pass on her face, I have a flash of her eyes, the first time I saw them.

I can remember that cold look on her face when we found her, covered in scars, chained in the basement like a dog. She was 14 but it was impossible to guess her age, she could have been 10, she could have been 30. She’d been here for a while, all dirty and scrawny, almost wild… almost dead. That son of a bitch kept her for years, and, not like the others, she survived. Father Joey was his name; I can still see the face he made when I cut is throat.

This fanatic’s plan was too kidnap kids with abilities around the world, according to him : demonic, and to “rehabilitate” them, as he said he “raised them like is own children”… fucking psycho : each kid were tortured and psychologically abused, all of them died of starvation, infection, suicide or blood loss. Except her, tough girl.

My little friend only survived by suffocating her psychic powers(seemingly for good) to make him think there was hope in her salvation. He had taken her from France, when she was 9, killed her mother, treat her like a freak and carved religious symbols on her body for 5 years.

No wonder why she was so harsh and stern when she was a teen. When Jody took her, she had a really hard time with Y/n, not that she was insolent or ungrateful, she was just a loner, extremely independent, silent and she took no orders.I remember how uselessJody was feeling. She was always handling herself, coping, helping… but she was out when she wanted, back when she had decided. When she was 16 she started paying some of Jody’s bills, buying food and clothes, replacing broken things on the house, that’s when Jody found out she had taken a job in a coffee shop. When she was 18 she graduated with good grades and went to medical school. And there she is, my shy, strong and admirable little Y/n…

Well, not so little, she wears her 20 years like a crown. There is something in her eyes, like she has the ability to heal you, like she’s going to save your soul. I’m fond of this kid, and Jody is so proud of her.

 YourPov

 You’re making coffee and listening to the news Sam gives you, he standing beside you, tall and handsome as always. When did he get that presence ? It is like is he blossoming, he makes you think of a king. Maturity suits him.

“Are you not in school ?” Dean asks, making you slightly jump.

“It’s Sunday, I was studying… Traumatology.” You answer with a light smile you can’t hide. Damn, Dean must think I smile a lot… But it’s just the effect he has on you.

“Wow, sorry for you” he says taking a sip of coffee.

“Don’t be, that’s why I choose medical school…”

Sam sits and raise his eyebrows, “ you want to work in the E.R. ?” he asks.

You laugh faintly and sit in front of Sam, avoiding Dean’s eyes.

“No, Sam, that’s not why I went to med school you know… I just, I want to save as many people as I can… on hunts.”

Dean choke on his coffee and you stand up immediately.

“You okay Dean ?” you ask with concern.

He raises a hand and clear his throat, so you sit and smile at him, again…

“What do you mean, on hunt ?” he asks, his voice still hoarse.

You play with you mug, you knew Sam and Dean wouldn’t be thrilled about you hunting, Jody neither, that’s why you never told anyone you were already, for a long time. Sam looks at you, he knows, Sam always knows. Since you had that talk one night long ago, when he told you his story, the fear he always had to be a monster, and when you talked to him, for the first time of your life, about what Father Joey did to you and why.

“You thought I was going to be a doctor? Guys…” you says in a whisper.

“Yeah well, you have to !” Dean says with a disappointed tone that breaks your heart a bit more.

“No, I don’t have to do anything.”

 Dean’s Pov

 Here it comes, that coldness in her voice : “I don’t have to do anything”, she takes no orders, I know, she made that clear long ago, but… Come on, not her. She withdrew into herself again. Sam is the first to speak:

“Kid, what Dean means is you get to have a normal life.”

She closes her eyes like she was exasperated for a second and takes a deep breath. It hurts when she does that, because it reminds me how inaccessible she is, how secret and distant, how strong and determined, and how neither of us can truly reach her.

“Because you want a normal life doesn’t mean everybody wants it.” She explains calmly. “Ordinary is boring, I don’t fit in normal. Since I was born, I knew something was “not normal” with me. I was passionate with ghost, vampire and witch stories long before Father Joey found me. I was the strange kid, and I could walk through people’s dreams, I understood symbols and had dreams that sounded like prophesies…”

Wow, I was so wrong, that forced breath, it was her trying to open up to us, and she is. She never relate all of this to us, and I’m pretty sure she never told Jody either. I’m excited to know more of her, even if what she says is painful to hear. She continues :

“When he found me…” She inhales like her lungs were sore and it breaks my heart. “He showed me how dark the world could be, made me understand how it works and that I was supposed to be a part of it. My powers died…” Her voice shakes a little so she takes a sip of her coffee; neither Sam nor I dare to interrupt her. “But that doesn’t mean I’m useless. You know guys… I love tarot, and I’m pretty good at it, I know how to use arcana, runes… I’ve read every witchcraft books I found, theology, history of magic, of pagan myths and rituals… I even stole John’s journal for a week when I was a teen without you noticing it, and I memorized it entirely… I mean, I hunt, I have for a long time.” My mouth open but nothing comes out. “I love it. Everything that is not related with supernatural activities bore me to death...”

“Even Sasha?” Fuck! I said it out loud and she looks hurt.

Sasha is Y/n’s boyfriend. She never talk about him, Jody discovered herself, not like Y/n hid it, otherwise nobody would have found out, she just never mentioned him, like it was really no big deal. Jody thinks she loves Sasha a lot, because she heard her say in her dream once, that she was in love. He seems to be a good guy, I don’t know why I said it so aggressively…

Great Dean, you made her silent again. She smiles at me with that kind yet hurt smile of hers and get up to wash her hands, for no reasons.

 YourPov

 You have to turn your back on him to hide the brightness in your eyes. Dean can make you smile every two second, he can also make you break into tears with a word. And you sometimes hate him for that.

Sasha… What do they know about him ? Everybody thinks it’s a big deal to have him in your life. It’s really not, it’s an arrangement, nothing more. Sasha is in love with you since high school, who knows why… But you don’t love him, you never will, he knows that. You two are not a couple, you even have sex with other dudes, and that he knows also. He was your friend and when he declared his love, you told him that it was impossible. Then things got complicated… He was your only friend, you knew you should stay away from him, but then he told you he’d take what you'll let him. So you gave him what doesn’t really matters to you : your body, some of your diners, your movie nights… And made it really clear that he can’t have your heart and that your future is far away.

He’s the only one to know, the only one you’ve told about your love for Dean. He doesn’t know him, never will, but he knows.

_______

 You look at Sasha and put your hand on his sweaty torso, making him smile. Your heart beats so fast, but not because of him, as usual. You've never hid the truth to him, not even about the supernatural. And yet, here you are, lying to him ostensibly. "This guys you're gonna live with... the... the guy you love so much, he's not one of them, right ?". And you said no.

Maybe it was the negative form of his sentence, maybe it was the sadness and fear in his eyes, you were a coward and said no.

Then you took your clothes of. Like you do when you don't want to talk to him too much, like when he wants to know more about your childhood, more about the supernatural, when he tells you sweet love words, or when he asks about Dean. You take your clothes of and take his hands, you make him forget his questions to keep the answer for you. It isn't always enough, especially when it comes to Dean... But you have not much to say about him paradoxally, and you already used every words you could. You just love him so much it hurts, so much you know it will be forever.

That fucking lie is a bad one. Because it is the kind of lie you have to repeat all the time, the kind that multiply exponentially. You are going to live in the Winchesters bunker with them for weeks, see Dean on his territory, smell him everywhere, immerse yourself in his universe ; and it terrifies you. You can't even talk to your only friend.

You got up and put some music : Chopin's Spring Waltz.

"What is it Baby ?" Sasha asks.

"Don't call me that."

"You only listen this kind of music when you're sad." He says getting up, his perfect darkly tanned body on full display, his curly black hair falling on his model face.

"I'm just..."

You stop so he comes behind you and take you by the waist, kissing your shoulder.

"Are you thinking of him ?" He asks naturally, like he does sometimes during sex, making you think of Dean automatically. You've told him many times though : you never think about him during sex, or if you do, it means you're far away in your head. You just don't think of his hands being Sasha's, because it's not the right smell, the right eyes, the right voice... because nothing compares to Dean, you guess.

"Yes, I'm sorry." One lie is enough.

"Don't be..." he whispers dolefully, and he kisses you neck. "I'm gonna miss you so much. I can't wait for you to visit between hunts. Just be safe okay ?"

"I'm going to miss you to" This is the truth. "Being safe is why I'm going there. They are the two best hunters of the world, if I'm going to be one, Jody wants me to learn from the bests."

"I love you" he says.

"I know, stop saying it, it's awkward..." you break from his embrace, get dressed, and take your motorcycle helmet and gloves. He's still naked and watches you in awe.

"Text me Sash' !" You say closing the door.

 Dean's Pov

 She take her helmet of and her hair falls on her back like in the movies. She smiles at me like she always does and Sam takes her in his arms, but she looks at me with what seems to be apprehension.

Last night I dreamt of her, she was telling me how happy she was to live in the bunker for a while, she was all approachable and cheerful, her face readable, her arms open, a wide smile on her face, and it was so comforting...

She crosses her arms and make that shy, held in, smile disappear.

"Hi Dean, thank you for receiving me." She says without enthusiasm and my heart sinks a bit.

Why ? Why is her attitude toward me so important ? Why is it so essential that she smiles ? Her time here is going to be perturbing, I can guess that...  

[everly-kindred]

Eve’s Diary - Entry #52

Date: 7th of March, 2027

Dear Diary, 

Alright, I’ve procrastinated too long, and now I have far too much to catch you up on. So, no time like the present! 

Firstly, we had quidditch practice yesterday. Nate gave us a pep talk, and I was certain he was going to announce my removal from the team. Turns out, Cheryl is being removed as beater and Verity is taking her place. You can’t imagine how relieved I was! And Sam and Tal and… well, all of them were so encouraging, I ended up feeling a bit better by the time the meeting was over. Like a weight was lifted. 

I think the biggest thing that’s happened in the past two weeks (which is impressive because a LOT has happened) is a recent vision I had. It’s really hard to explain because… it seemed like it came from a different time? And it had the… well… he-who-shall-not-be-named in it… The dream was scary and I saw people die in it but I feel weird about it like… I don’t want to believe it was real? Like when I woke up, I felt like I had watched one of the muggle movies my dad likes… I wrote down what all I saw so I wouldn’t forget.

First I started out in an abandoned building, and it was storming outside (my dreams don’t normally have weather so this was an inclination that it was more than just a dream.) I had a really nice wand made by… some famous wizard wand maker who isn’t Olivander. His name started with a G, I think. I had a tattoo on my wrist - a skull with a snake. And it burned like I was holding my arm over a candle. I’m not sure what the symbol meant but I figure it has something to do with you-know-who. I think I might try to find some answers in a history book. 

Anyways, I was like… sneaking around this house. I was super tense. And I heard a sound like a snake rolling around on the floorboards, which I’m not sure is a sound I’ll forget any time soon. Down a hallway I saw three people around this figure. I remember one of them saying a name that sounded like ‘Crawl-lee’ and the voice greeted them as a friend. And then these really bright, red eyes stared at me from the darkness, and I thought I was going to die right there! 

There was this woman who looked positively mad. She had a mane of tangled hair and I swear her teeth were black. She whispered to the red-eyed figure to kill ‘him’ but then someone shouted for her to be quiet. And then that someone stepped into the light and… he didn’t even look like a person, truthfully! He didn’t have a nose and his skin was as pale as snow. He had no hair and he... Was the one with the red eyes. 

He had what looked like very expensive robes and I saw that his hands had long nails, and he had an odd looking wand… And then a large snake appeared next to him. Bigger than any snake I’ve ever seen! And it had the same red eyes as that… ‘man’ did. 

And then he started speaking to me. He called me a name that sounded like… Er-razz-mus and asked why I didn’t come when he called. And then ‘I’ started talking, though I suppose it wasn’t really me after all. I said that I was still loyal and could explain, but this… person with red eyes and a voice like ice didn’t seem to like that very much at all. Whoever I was portraying, they were very afraid.

Apparently whoever I was, used to be in contact with the head auror, I suppose double-crossing he-who-shall-not-be-named, and hid when he called for his followers. I tried to beg and reason, explaining I was scared. They talked for awhile, words I can’t remember, and then the snake-like-man he the man (whoever I was supposed to be) towards him, and it was like I wasn’t him anymore and I was instead watching, like a movie. 

The man had blue eyes, specifically, the same shade as Ruby’s. They reminded me a lot of him. Ultimately, however, whoever’s eyes I was looking through, was killed. ‘The reward for treachery is death.’ You-know-who told him.

I saw some other images. Blue eyes, specifically. Odd images of the ocean and the forest. Creepy images that sort of stick out more than anything, and sounds I can’t forget. Someone asked aloud if I… or whoever, was still faithful to the cause. What cause, I couldn’t say. I imagine it had to do with you-know-who. 

I remember… seeing Vikander, too. Him and others, sort of surrounded by this evil green magic. I saw a courtroom of some kind, and more blue eyes. And then I was inside of that courtroom, watching someone’s trial happening. Someone named… Ugh, I don’t know how to write these names. ‘Eee-gore’ or ‘Eye-gore.’ I forget. Anyways, he was a… death eater, and was giving names of other secret death eaters to avoid having to go to Azkaban. One of the names was a Mordushku… Ah-gron. I want to ask Ruby, because I don’t remember which one that is… I think I saw in the papers that he was the one who died recently? So he might be his guardian. I won’t ask him though. Seems like a sensitive topic. Maybe it means something, though. 

There were whisperings of power and gifts from another male voice, not the same one as he-who-shall-not-be-named.

And then the blue eyed man cast the killing curse at me, and I sort of… drifted. I was there but I wasn’t. And then the cold voice came back, and summoned his snake. ‘Nah-gee-knee,’ he called it. ‘Dinner,’ he said. And as the snake opened its mouth to swallow me whole… I woke up. 

I had trouble sleeping after that dream… or vision, I suppose. I wrote both of the headmistresses about it. I didn’t have any more nightmares after that, though. Well, for the most part, anyways. In divinations we had a sort of… meditation slumber party. We all came in our pajamas and Gall had turned the room into a giant blanket fort with stuffed animals and tents and pillows and blankets everywhere. Aures and I shared a tent. I didn’t really dream that night but there were… flashes of memories. Fires and burning. Rubble. Blue eyes again, I think? And I think there were dementors there, too...

But, aside from that, I’ve mostly been dreaming my usual dreams - though there have been an awful lot of frogs in my dreams lately. I’ll have to remember to ask Gallo what frogs mean. 

Eventually, Headmistress O’Keeffe wrote me back and then I met with Blightly. Blightly’s office is very much like a dollhouse, with victorian furniture and pink walls and curtains! We spoke about dollhouses a little, and then she showed me how to extract a memory. 

I put my wand to the tip of my forehead and thought very hard about the vision, and eventually pulled it out of my head for her. It looked like silvery clumpy strands of… sort of hair? Suspended in water. We put it in a vial so that she could know what I saw. I feel like she and O’Keeffe could deal with it far better than I could. 

There’s been a lot of whispering about the forest, and about some students apparently having gone into it. The castle doors have been closing very early now, because of it, which has made me feel more shut in than before. I suppose it’s just as well, though, spring isn’t quite here yet. 

There have been other strange things happening, too. Like… I saw Bonnie and Persephone fight! And I haven’t gotten to speak with either of them about what happened. Persephone slapped Bonnie and I watched and just felt so… powerless and small. I wanted to scream at them to stop. I absolutely hate fighting. 

There were some positive things, though, especially with classes and such. Last week’s Hufflepuff meeting, we all drew with giant crayons, and Priaulx announced that Roisin would be one of our new prefects. And she wanted us to do a random act of kindness in the castle. I’m sad I didn’t really think to do anything… But anyways, this past weekend though, we did tarot readings. I was so sleepy, I couldn’t focus. I do want to do a large tarot reading though, and get back into the habit of doing smaller, daily ones. I feel like it’s been awhile. 

One night, I went into the library, and I guess someone had cast limbo mist because I felt all floaty and clung to the door. Talula helped me down, but I didn’t realise it was real life at the time, and was talking about how I thought I was in a dream. Tal sort of played along and helped me by convincing me that if I did as she said, I’d save Christmas. It was very silly and I was… very embarrassed. 

One of our herbology classes, the pots were enchanted to talk, and one pot confessed it’s love to Tilly because she was kind to it, I suppose. It was very funny, I couldn’t stop laughing! And then in a different herbology class, we talked about this plant that sounded like ‘cowplant’ which I thought was a… well there’s a muggle video game in which there’s a thing called a cowplant which is like a big stalk with a cow’s head on the end, and it has a tongue that looks like cake and will use that to try to lure you into its mouth! Anyways, thankfully this was not that plant, and as far as anyone knows, that plant doesn’t exist in real life. 

And then in another herbology class, we dealt with two plants - niffler’s fancy, which we just looked at and admired (it’s a very pretty plant that looks like it’s made of copper) and puffapods, which we had to try to… milk the seeds out of? Anyways, I couldn’t do it delicately enough, so the seeds kept exploding on my hands and making flowers grow on them. Dracheblume gave us all our own bags of puffapod seeds since spring is coming and they’re sort of a harmless prank thing. I haven’t used mine yet - I’m saving them for the right moment! 

I met a very pretty (I didn’t tell him that, of course) gryffindor student named Misha Edwards. He has this really soft, long blonde hair, and I… think I just like it a lot when boys have long hair. And when girls have short hair! But yeah, he was very… hard to not look at, but I sort of had to force myself not to stare because staring is rude and I’d probably die on the spot if he thought I was some sort of weirdo stalker. 

Anyways, he seemed very nice. I think he’s a little older than me, probably a year or two above me. He seemed shy, too. I want to get to know him and be his friend, but I might have to be… less shy myself for that to happen. We’ll see! I hope he doesn’t think I’m just some dumb first year… 

I actually met him by bumping into him because I wasn’t paying attention! I knocked him over and lost my book. I think I was reading The Wind in the Willows but I don’t really remember… Anyways, I must stop losing track of myself! I’m all over the place right now… My mind feels all tangled up. Where was I…

Oh, right. I met him by bumping into him and knocking him over. Marigold ended up keeping me from falling down, but he went face first into the ground. It was horribly embarrassing. And then Talula showed up and we all went to Vikander’s Defense Against the Dark Arts class which he held in the long gallery that day. We all dueled! Misha and Talula dueled, and I dueled with Aures. It was my first duel, I think?! If I remember correctly. Anyways, she won once by lifting my wand out of my hand and over my head, and then I won afterwards doing the exact same thing. We did some other spells, of course, but that was what had ended our duel. 

Speaking of dueling, I joined the inter-house dueling club, and I got a new badge and uniform for it, too! So now I have three badges, and I… sort of want to keep joining clubs, just so I can keep collecting badges. And to ‘broaden my horizons’ of course, but still…

Anyways, in the dueling club, Talula and I dueled. She ended up winning, which is no surprise of course, but I was embarrassed anyhow. I want to get better… I need to improve my dueling skills, my spellcasting, and my seeking. I’m trying so hard but it just… isn’t enough. I wonder if this is how every first year feels. 

I think it was that same day that I had Care of Magical Creatures, and the professor had brought in Jarvies. One of the Jarvies made fun of a drawing I was working on, and was just so… mean about! And I got upset, which is dumb. The professor ended up keeping me after class to talk to me about it, and she sort of cheered me up a little. I’ve just been feeling so… hopeless lately. Like nothing I do is good. So I guess the Jarvey being mean to me was just the… straw that broke the thestral’s back. 

It just feels like there’s not enough time in the day to do all the things I want to do, and to improve my skills. What if I’m never good enough? I wish I didn’t have to sleep and could stay up all night instead of wasting those hours... 

There were some other things that actually motivated me, though, aside from Nate’s pep-talk. I spoke to Professor Reuter after Magical Theory, because we’ve been talking about wands, and he said that he believes it could be possible for a crystal wand to function as a real wand (though we had a small debate about what classifies as a wand - I argued that it’s a stick like object to channel your magic, so he told me that he agrees and that crystal wands would likely have to be specified as crystal wands specifically so as to avoid confusion from buyers) and that if I managed to do it, I’d be the first ever to create such a thing. I’ve been dreaming about a functional rose quartz wand since last year, as you know! 

And on the topic of making things, Aures and I were discussing noises we like and I had the idea of a music box that was enchanted to make any sound you wanted! If I could make those, I’d make music boxes that sound like… Well, I have a list. 

Clocks ticking, thunderstorms, swords drawn, windchimes, fire crackling, a babbling brook… Probably some others, too, if I sat down and really thought about it. But these are sounds I like, so I could make, like, a song out of these sounds and have a music box play it! Or the music box could play individual sounds, like the thunderstorm or the babbling brook. That’d be really nice to have in the dorms, I think. Sometimes it’s hard to sleep with other people in the room. 

Aures and I were also talking about our homes, and I was wondering what spring in my new home would be like. Spring in the Forest of Dreams… Is it like my old home, busy and loud, or is it quieter… more secluded? I’ll have to write dad and Genevieve to ask. Speaking of! She got three new rats to live with Venus, and apparently they’re all a happy, chaotic family. I can’t wait to meet the other rats when the semester ends! 

That is pretty much everything from the past couple weeks. My wrist hurts real bad and I only have a little bit of free time left before classes start. I might catch a quick nap in the common rooms. I’m already all showered and dressed. 

Much love, Everly

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Persona: The Nightmare Witch Chapter 1

When Nanako Dojima returns to Inaba after a year away, she learns that nightmares have been plaguing the town. Eventually, she finds herself thrown into an investigation to not only save the town, but her father as well. Set 10 years later. A story of bonds, the past and facing your fear.

Monday, April 10, 2021

Samaru City, train station.

It was the brink of dusk but the city showed no signs of rest. Pedestrians and cars buzzed left and right, either on their way home or venturing out for night life. Shielding her eyes from the intense orange glow of sun, Nanako Dojima shouldered her way through a busy sidewalk. A bit behind schedule but the teenage girl managed to catch a spot at the railway platform to wait for the next train.

"Did you hear about that big drug ring?"

"It's all over the damn news, how wouldn't I?"

Nanako lifted her gaze from her cellphone to overhear a conversation between two men in business suits.

"Imagine the loads of cash those guys are making..."

"H-hey, you're not trying to imply something, are you?"

"No. But honestly, money can solve a lot of your problems."

"Seriously, man? Is that what you really think?"

Right on queue, her awaited train slowly pulled up to the platform and the doors slid open. Nanako turned back to her phone and typed in a quick text message:

Dad-

Train just came. See you in a few!

Picking up her suitcase, Nanako joined the crowd to board the train and found a somewhat cramped spot in the corner. She turned her head to the window to gaze at the skyscrapers one last time before the doors closed shut. It only took several minutes before Nanako slowly dosed off.

When Nanako came to, she was standing to what appeared to be the interior of a limousine. The color blue literally emitted itself from the cushions of the seats to the lights on the ceiling.

Am I...dreaming?

Nanako turned her attention to the two figures that sat inside. A woman with elegant blond hair and in blue uniform, much similar to a flight attendant, sat cross legged. She gestured Nanako to have a seat across from them.

As she hesitantly sat down, Nanako couldn't keep her eyes off of the sharply contrasted figure next to the woman. His elbows sat on the table before him, chin rested on his folded hands and a nose that easily reached a foot long. His pointed ears reached to his bald head. The only thing that was normal about him was his black suit, similar to a butler.

"Welcome to the Velvet Room," the mysterious gentleman greeted, which jolted Nanako a bit. He paused, as if analyzing Nanako's thoughts.

"Why, we've been expecting you. For quite some time, I must say."

He paused again, studying Nanako thoroughly. He suddenly let out a chuckle. "My, you have a most unique destiny lying ahead of you."

Unique destiny? What's that supposed to mean? Actually, the better question is...who are these people?

"Let me introduce myself." The man looked up with unblinking eyes that fixated on her. "I'm Igor. I'm quite pleased to make your acquaintance."

He then gestured his hand to the woman next to him, "This is Margaret, my assistant. She is a resident of this place, like myself."

"Yes, welcome." Margaret smiled warmly.

"You see, this place exists between dream and reality, mind and matter," Igor continued. "Generally speaking, only those who have forged a contract can visit this room."

In a blink of an eye, a contract appeared before Igor.

"However, what I am speaking about is not a physical contract such as this." The contract vanished with a wave of his hand. "In actuality, you have a formed a promise in the past. To fulfill the promise, you will acquire my help to hone your unique ability."

Promise? Ability?

For some reason, Nanako found it hard to speak.

Suddenly, Igor swiped his hand over the table to reveal a set of tarot cards. Nanako leaned forward to get a better look. 21 cards laid before him, each with a symbol of what appeared to be double-sided mask.

"That's enough about the past. Let's take a look into your future, shall we?"

Igor flipped over one card to reveal its hidden side and analyzed it closely.

"Interesting. A star, in the upright position. I see renewed hope and fulfillment in the future but only if you endure the trials and tribulations that lie ahead of you." Igor proceeded to flip another card.

"A moon, also in the upright position. This card represents hesitation and mystery in the immediate future. Hmm…"

Nanako sat back in her seat, clinging onto his every word. Even if this was a dream, her subconscious must be telling her something, right? She read something about it in a book once. Although, Nanako couldn't possibly fathom why she would dream up this odd duo.

"In the upcoming days, you will encounter a great mystery, one that is deeply rooted to your past. You will then awaken a great power within you, after which you will return here."

Igor gestured around him, indicating the Velvet Room.

"There will be a great turning point in your destiny. Should the mystery go unsolved, you will have to face the consequences of a broken promise," He continued. "My duty is to provide assistance to ensure that does not happen."

Igor didn't falter his smile and Nanako felt a little uncomfortable under his stare. She felt like her mind was being analyzed and picked apart.

"We shall attend to the details another time. Until then, farewell…"

Then all went to black.

"Thank you for riding with us. In just a few moments, we'll reach our final stop at Yasogami station."

Nanako jolted awake at the sound of the intercom above her.

"Please prepare to exit," the conductor instructed over the intercom.

Nanako tried to re-collect herself, still shaken from her dream. It...was a dream right? For some reason, she was doubting herself. It was just so weird.

Nanako shook her head and reached over to the compartment above her for her bags. The view from the window was nothing but long, green hills illuminated by the moonlight.

"It's so beautiful," Nanako said to herself, feeling her heart clench at the sight of her home town once again. The city may be colorful and exciting, but nothing can take her breath away than the gentle quietness of Inaba. The image of her father suddenly flashed in her mind. She missed him so much.

The train had reached a full stop and she hurried toward the exit. Upon stepping onto the platform, Nanako looked behind her, curious to see anyone else exiting with her until she remembered that she was the only one heading for Inaba. Not that it surprised her, she knew very well that her hometown was desolate but had garnered quite a reputation in the last few years.

The urban legend of the 'Midnight Channel' and the creepy, unsettling fog that covered the town captured the attention of many paranormal enthusiasts. However, because she was at such a young age during that time, she couldn't quite understand the details of it all. All she knew was that the Midnight Channel disappeared one day and everything went back to normal. She figured the flood of visitors died down by now.

Shrugging, Nanako started to walk past the station. Now, where could her father be?

"Nanako!"

Nanako instantly smiled at the sight of her father standing under a streetlight and waving. She hurried to her father's arms and the two held together in a tight hug.

Ryotaro Dojima, Nanako's beloved father. Now that she noticed, he was still wearing his usual dark gray shirt with pulled up sleeves and red necktie, an outfit that she continuously told him to get rid of by now. Of course, when your father is a 24/7 working police detective, attire is the least thing that's on his mind.

"Can you do me a favor and stop growing so much," Dojima joked and loosened his grip to see her face clearly. Nanako didn't want to cry in front of him but she couldn't help feel her eyes water a bit. She felt that she had forgotten what her father's embrace was like.

"I've missed you so much, Daddy," Nanako said and pulled him into a hug once more, ignoring the fact that she hadn't called her father 'Daddy' in a long time. She let go of him and saw that someone was missing.

"Where's Yu?" Nanako asked.

"Back at the house, everyone's waiting for you." Dojima replied as he picked up Nanako's belongings. Suddenly, he stopped short and scratched behind his head. "Ah...I think I just ruined the surprise."

Nanako laughed. "You're bad at keeping secrets."

"Oh well," Dojima shrugged. "Let's get going. You can tell me all about your trip while we get there."

"Oh yeah! Can you believe there's not a single Junes in the city?" Nanako said as she followed her father to the car. Dojima chuckled, and replied, "It's probably because big city folks don't go to department stores for fun like we do here."

Inaba, Dojima Residence.

"Welcome back, Nanako-chan!"

Upon entering her home, Nanako was immediately greeted by all of her friends. Well, they were mostly friends of Yu, but she grew to consider them her friends too.

Chie, Yosuke, Yukiko, Kanji, and Teddie. Out of his costume of course.

"Nana-chan!" Teddie screamed in joy and ran up to her to give her a tight embrace.

"Hey, Teddie!" Nanako laughed and returned the hug.

"We've missed you bear-y much." His cheeks flushed red when he added, "And you're so beaut-"

"Hands off my daughter, bear," Dojima suddenly cut him off and gave him a cold stare.

"H-huh? But I'm not in my bear costume," Teddie protested which earned him an even colder stare from her father. Everyone in the room laughed at the ordeal and Nanako smiled warmly. She had no idea how good it was going to feel coming back.

"It's so nice to see you all again," Nanako said as she walked to the center of the room where everyone was sitting around the table. While her father took her bags to her room, Nanako surveyed her home. It was like nothing has even changed. Blue curtains draped over the backdoor and the retro-style TV still sat in the corner of their tiny home.

Suddenly, she felt a tug at the end of her dress and when she looked down, she met the hazel eyes of a four-year-old boy. The toddler was dressed in blue overalls with a green-striped shirt underneath. His other hand clenched tightly to a stuffed fox.

Nanako's eyes widened. He. Was. Adorable.

"Oh hey, you two haven't met, right?" Chie spoke up and went over to her son to ruffle his silver hair. "Koji, this is Nanako. She's your-uh, what would it be? Second-cousin?"

Nanako bent down to match Koji's line of sight and said, "I can be your Big Sis. Nice to meet you, Koji."

She held out her hand for a shake and after a blank stare from the boy, he reluctantly reached out to touch her hand.

"Aw, how cute!" Teddie squealed followed by a giggle from Yukiko. Chie smiled warmly and picked up her son in her arms to settle back near the table. Nanako straightened up, finding it hard to keep her eyes off the new member of her family. She found it endearing how he shared the same features as his father.

"You have one damn cute kid," Kanji commented as he watched Koji play with his stuffed fox on his mother's lap. Nanako's attention immediately shifted to Yosuke's laugh.

"Already wondering if you and Naoto's kid is gonna be just as cute, huh Kanji?" Yosuke teased while Teddie made smooching noises.

"What the hell man!" Kanji yelled, failing to mask the heat that scorched his cheeks in embarrassment. "Can't a guy just give a compliment without meaning anything behind it?"

"Oh, but it has so much meaning!" Teddie declared dramatically, "The meaning of love!"

Kanji only responded with clenched fists and threatened to throw Teddie out but it only resulted in more laughter.

"You guys better quit yelling, at least not when Koji is around," Chie huffed. Yukiko nodded in approval and said, "Chie is right. We should all take responsibility like her."

"Thanks, Yukiko!" Chie smiled brightly, narrowly missing Yosuke's snide remark, "You call that taking responsibility?"

Nanako simply smiled as she watched the group continue their endless teasing. She then noticed that someone was still missing.

Right then, the room stiffened at sound of the front door opening. It was none other but Yu Narukami. He stood at the doorway with grocery bags in his hands.

"Oh, you're back," Yu smiled.

"Big Bro!" Nanako rushed over to him to give him a hug, which happened so quickly that she might have knocked air out of him.

Yu chuckled, "That's odd. I don't remember you that tall." He returned the hug and Nanako felt slightly embarrassed for clinging onto him like a small child but at the same time, she didn't care. She was so happy to see him again.

Yu Narukami. Nanako's older cousin but she prefers to call him Big Bro. Aside from his black, framed glasses and white collar work shirt, Yu didn't look that much different than from his high school days. Alongside his same old appearance was his same old personality; cool and collected as Nanako always described him.

"Senpai! Glad to have ya back!" Kanji smiled, as if the previous situation hadn't happened. Once Yu was greeted by everyone, Nanako followed her cousin to the kitchen to help out with dinner.

"Man, I can't believe Yu actually tied the knot with Chie of all people," Yosuke said out loud which earned him a stern look from Chie.

Everyone was sitting around the table, eating dinner specially prepared by Yu. Nanako took another sip of her miso soup and took a moment to appreciate the herbal flavors on her taste buds. Without a doubt, it was delicious.

"What's that supposed to mean!" Chie pointed a finger at him. "At least I'm not the one who's been in a relationship with some nurse for five years and have yet to get married."

"Hey! She's just…y'know taking her time," Yosuke defended himself. Yu quickly interjected, "She has a point, Yosuke. What if something else is going on?"

"W-what do you mean?" Yosuke stuttered. "Whatever, it's personal. Besides, Kanji isn't married either and he's been with Naoto for as long as we can remember."

"Actually, we are married," Kanji said bluntly. Everyone responded with a resounded "WHAT".

"Married!" Chie said in surprise.

"Since when?" Yosuke asked, now standing up.

"Last month, actually," Kanji answered confidently and crossed his arms.

"Congratulations, Kanji-kun," Yukiko smiled, followed by Chie's remark, "How come you didn't invite us?"

"Eh, well," Kanji rubbed behind his head to ponder his next words carefully. "We didn't have a wedding. We're just married legally, y'know, making it official and all."

"I don't see a ring," Yu noted which instantly resulted in Kanji bolting straight up with a fisted fist.

"H-hey! It's none of your business!" Kanji said defensively.

"How is Naoto, anyway?" Yukiko asked.

"Busy," Kanji answered, "That's what'd you expect from being the head detective." Nanako sensed a bit of sadness in his voice. She hoped things were alright between the two. If there was anything that made Nanako instantly sad, it would be the bad ending of a relationship.

"She's in the middle of a big case right now. Heard of that international smuggling ring?"

"Oh yeah. I heard the drug can be dangerous," Chie said.

"Isn't that stuff illegal in Japan?" Yosuke sighed, "I've been so busy at work that I can't keep up with news lately."

"Well, you're right about that" Kanji confirmed. "There are smugglers trying to bring it here. And Naoto is after the bastards."

He sighed. "I don't see her much but if that's what she loves doing best, then I'm fine with it."

"Well, that's good to hear," Yu nodded. "That takes a lot of strength."

"Yeah," Chie agreed. "Just don't let her work herself too hard, okay?"

Kanji nodded and Yosuke gave him a pat on the back.

"I heard Rise-chan is working hard too," Yukiko piped in. Everyone agreed with a nod.

"She's still bear-rific on TV!" Teddie exclaimed, throwing his arms up in the air.

"Good thing her comeback went well. She should be off tour soon so she'll get a chance to visit us sometime," Yosuke said and added with a mischievous grin, "Maybe I should get her to play at Junes again?"

"And put together another performance from our lame-ass band? Not a chance, you won't catch me playing another instrument again," Kanji declared, which resulted in laughs all around the table.

"Youth these days…" Dojima muttered and took another sip of his drink.

Once Nanako finished her dinner, she decided to take a breather. The exhaustion from the train ride home had finally gotten to her. She excused herself and headed outside.

She settled down on the porch and glanced around her tiny backyard. Moonlight casted a glow on the grass and bushes that hugged around the fence. Her father's long sleeved shirts were fluttering in the breeze as they clung onto the clothes line.

I wonder how long he left those out to dry, she wondered. He probably forgot as usual. I'll bring them in before I head back inside.

She chuckled at the thought of her father washing his clothes, a mundane task she had been doing for so long. She brought her knees up to her chest, thinking about her father more.

Even now, she wasn't sure if leaving to the city was a good idea. The thought of leaving her father alone for a single year had held her back from even considering. Ever since her mother passed away, she had promised to her father that she'll take her place and never leave him.

Nanako sighed. Maybe this was a pointless dilemma to be worried about. After all, she's back now and she can attend the house as usual. As she was thinking this, she heard the glass door slide behind her.

"Hey, how's it going?"

Nanako looked up at Yu as he sat down next to her. The two looked up at the stars and felt the spring breeze pass.

"A lot," Nanako admitted, breaking the silence between them. She felt Yu turn to her with a concerned look and asked, "What's on your mind?"

Nanako didn't feel comfortable talking about her feelings about her trip and her father, at least not until it's all sorted out in her head. So she decided to bring up another topic that's been bugging her.

"It's kind of silly but…I'm kind of nervous about tomorrow," she explained. "I know it's only my second year of high school and I should be happy that I'm back in town…"

She paused for a moment before continuing. "…but I feel like I don't know how to start again. By now, everybody probably has their own group of friends to hang out with. I'm not sure if there's any room for me…" Nanako trailed off, avoiding Yu's eye contact.

"I wouldn't be too sure about that," Yu responded and looked behind him at the glass doors. Nanako also looked behind her to see everyone laughing around the table as Chie lifted Koji's arms to make kung fu gestures.

"You'll be surprised at how the closest of friends come to you when you least expect it," Yu continued and turned his attention back to Nanako. "You have a heart for people, Nanako. That alone is enough to make bonds with people that you'll trust."

Nanako smiled at his words and looked down at her hands resting on her lap. She knew she could count on her cousin to comfort her. "Thanks, Big Bro."

Yu nodded and stood up. "And besides. Marie said she'll make sure it won't rain tomorrow."

Nanako's eyes instantly lit up at the mention of the mystical weather woman on TV. "Wow, she must be a goddess right, Yu? To control the weather like that?"

Nanako was always amazed by the local celebrity, seemingly changing the weather by her will. She liked how positive she was on television every morning, motivating the residents of Inaba to push through their challenges and work towards their wishes every day.

Yu simply chuckled and held out his hand to help her up. Nanako was confused by his vague answer but reluctantly took his hand anyway. Suddenly, she felt a raindrop plop on her nose.

"Oh! The clothes!" Nanako rushed to the clothesline and plucked the pins from her father's shirts. She turned to her left to see Yu doing the same thing and she smiled.

The two hurried inside with laundry in their hands as rain began to pour.

It was the peak of midnight when Nanako twisted and turned in her bed sheets.

She was dreaming, she was sure of it.

Nanako had woken up in a strange place of nothing but surrounding fog. Even with not a single thing in sight, she could tell she was in Inaba by the outline of the buildings. She had been walking forward for what felt like several hours. She shivered and she rubbed her arms for any warmth. It was unnaturally cold.

Suddenly, a figure began to appear amidst the fog. Nanako could barely make out its form, but she knew it was human.

"Hello?" Nanako said in hesitation, reaching out to the figure. In that moment, the dark form turned and disappeared again.

"H-hey! Wait!" Nanako yelled and began to run. She charged through the fog, searching for anything. The figure reappeared again but this time, it was crouched with its back turned away from her.

Upon closer inspection, Nanako could see the crouching figure of a girl clad in Yasogami uniform and her hair, tied into a long braid, drooped along her back. The girl was shivering, possibly due to the cold. Eyebrows furrowed, Nanako reached her hand out when suddenly, the girl bolted up.

"Get away from me!" She yelled, facing Nanako. Her eyes looked glassy, as if she had been crying for a long time. The girl then ran off, despite Nanako's protests.

Who is she? What's going on? Nanako thought, feeling very confused.

Suddenly, an unknown voice whispered, "how curious. How did you manage to escape?"

"Huh?" Nanako spoke to the voice, unsure who she was speaking to exactly. "Are you keeping her trapped here?"

"A soul cannot trap another soul. Only the soul traps itself," the voice responded in an almost mocking manner. Nanako frowned. A silhouette appeared with crossed arms and had the form of a human, but it seemed to be wearing a white, robe garment.

"Hm, it seems that you are different from other humans. I wonder...have you been here before?" the unknown voice continued.

"Who are you?" Nanako asked in frustration. Is it so hard to ask for straight answers? The unknown voice only laughed and the fog seemed to grow thicker and thicker.

"I am the ruler of this domain." The voice then snickered, "humans can be so vulnerable. They become entrapped by their own fear." The voice said barely above a whisper, "Let's see you if you are any different, my special human."

That's when Nanako began to weave back and forth until she dropped onto her knees. She glanced up at the form, still disfigured by the fog, and whispered weakly, "W-what are you?"

The form stayed silent and without an answer, Nanako lost consciousness.

A/N: Thank you for reading the first chapter! Initially, I did not have the intention to publish this story. I've been writing this as a means of practicing my writing skills and character development.

With that said, this story will have Yu x Chie, Kanji x Naoto and Yosuke x OC character (although not majorly important and will be very little). In fact, because this story focuses on Nanako, there will be a lot of OCs, but please keep in mind that I took great care in imagining them and implementing them in this world. So, if none of these aspects appeal to you, then this fic may not be your cup of tea. Also, Persona Arena, Ultimax, Dancing All Night and Q will not be canon in this story. If you do choose to read this story, welcome aboard the journey!

~HarperLace