#what depression feels like

[unwelcome-ozian]

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

People I care about (PICA): “¿How is your day going? 🥰”

Me: “Fine”

PICA: “¿How’ve you been? 🥰”

Me: *well versed in making sure people don’t worry about me & finding new ways to reword things so they don’t suspect anything* “I lost my job but I can’t complain; it could be worse. I still managed to buy food because people sent help. I’m alright. 🤷‍♂️”

PICA: “¿Are you okay? 🥺”

Me: “¡Of course!”

Also me:

[Image ID: (1) a heart drawn in purple sharpie, coloured in, on the back of my right hand; (2) Purple sharpie hearts (6 below, 3 to the left side, 4 to the right side, 4 above), not coloured in, around written words & phrases: (top to bottom) “Loved”, “Worthy”, “Important”, “Enough”, “Not Too Much”, & “Valuable” (/end ID)]

~~~

For me, my depression manifests as “please don’t worry about me” & throwing my energy at helping other people. I am the therapist friend, the parent/dad or (genderless) mom friend, the trauma dumping ground, the person you can scream at all day long who will still try to talk you down from suicide. I am not the stereotypical, ‘😭🥺😓😞😔😟😕🙁☹️😣’ visibly not okay manifestation of depression (though those people are valid & I respect them). I am the ‘🙃😘🥰😁😅😂🤣🙂☺😊😇🤭😌😉😋🤪😎🥺🤐’ silent, invisible, I Know How It Feels To Feel Like Nothing And Don’t Want You To Feel That Way™, Please Talk To Me, I’m Here™, slipping under the radar until the moment someone catches me attempting manifestation of depression. I heavily identified with Robin Williams growing up, & I still do. I go undetected.

I go undetected. Because people expect you to self isolate, to cry out for help (especially to friends & family), to cry 😭, to be obvious. But I’ve been depressed for ~17 years (since we were 5), & I am not obvious.

Please please please, check on your happy friends. Your therapist friends. Your parent friends. The friends who seem put together & high achieving and “functional”. They may not have it all together as well as they seem to. Maybe no one ever listens to them, or people listen only to hurt them &/or leave. Maybe they throw themselves out there to help & protect everyone else because no one ever helped or protected them. Maybe they’re the ones who need help the most...but are used to never asking & going silent. Maybe they need someone - maybe they need you.

~Nico

(he/they; protector, co-host, TH, etc.)

[where-do]

[opalpeachh]

I’m alone.In the middle of the ocean.The ship is sinking and I don’t even have the energy to save myself.I reach for comforts to soften the blow and there are none left.Theyve floated off or been used in excess,far to quickly,far to often.I want to signal for help but I’m worried about being a burden.Im far away,I’m one person,maybe I’m not even worth saving.My thoughts are in a bad place.But I know it’s a sin against yourself,to not care if you drown.

[i-thesadtruth]

What Depression Actually Is

Depression is not always what people imagine them to be.

Sure, I sit on my bed and I cry a lot. And sure, I feel sad.

But it’s not just feeling sad.

Sometimes, it’s feeling empty, like there’s nothing in your body, and you’re just a shell. Sometimes, it’s feeling angry, confused, down, lonely, upset, tired, exhausted, stressed and just feeling the weight of the world on your little shoulders.

Sometimes, it’s sleeping the day away because you’re weirdly exhausted. Sometimes, it’s not sleeping at all.

Sometimes, it’s scraping your hair back into a messy bun on top of your head because you just cannot be bothered to wash it. Sometimes, it’s standing in the shower for an hour, just letting the water pour over you.

Sometimes, it’s ignoring everybody around you because you just cannot deal with interaction. Sometimes, it’s bugging them because you need reassurance they’re still there.

Sometimes, it’s difficult to remember how to smile and laugh. Sometimes, it’s non-stop smiling.

Sometimes, the smiles are genuine. Sometimes, the smiles are a lie.

You’re allowed to have good days, and you’re allowed to have bad days. You’re allowed to laugh with friends and family. You’re allowed to enjoy yourself. But you’re also allowed to cry it out. You’re allowed to sit on your bed and listen to the same song on repeat while sobbing into a tub of ice cream.

We can be having fun, and still have depression. Just because I’m away for the day and I smile for a photo does not mean that somewhere in my head there is not the black cloud which makes some days seem impossible to face.

Depression and anxiety come in different forms for everybody. But for me, this post kind of sums it up.

Sometimes I have motivation. Sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes I have great fun and laugh. Sometimes I cry a lot.

Sometimes I’m talkative and I love being around people. Sometimes I want to be left alone.

Sometimes I can jump out of bed and face the day. Sometimes I can’t even get the motivation to roll over, so facing the day seems impossible.

It’s complex, it’s confusing and it’s really, reallyannoying. But we’re dealing with it the best we can.

[amargiro]

bacotan malam (pagi) hari apanii -kutau grammar ancurz

[callmemrsdarling]

[what-depression-feels-like-blog1]

Depression feels like you're fine. You don't know any better. Then one day you wake up and you realize you're not okay.

[butmyplums]

12219

I want an adventure

I want to feel special

I want to feel needed

I want to finally feel like the main character

I want to change a world

Maybe not mine or yours but someone’s

I want to do something anything of value

I don’t want to be useless

I don’t want to be forgotten

I want to burn through the world like fire

I want to leave my mark

But I don’t want the smoke

I don’t want the ashes

I don’t want the pain

There’s already too much pain

I don’t want to cause more

I just want to help

I just want to feel alive

[joanthedwarf]

[chikkou]

i dont mean to sound like a doomer but personally i find it simultaneously interesting and terrifying to think of how the internet will evolve over the next 20 years. in the last 10 years alone it has gone from one of the most unifying and free spaces for the average person to an active tool of corporate and government surveillance. this platform that was once a safe haven for many people to speak freely is now an ad-ridden temporal booby trap that can go off at any time. the internet has been thoroughly decimated by the presence of venture capitalism, and i am concurrently saddened to watch this happen in real time, and curious to see what will eventually replace it as the go-to counterculture platform

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

Depression As Described By My Mom (an eloquent author, then confirmed by those who have felt it before)

My mom was describing depression to people who had never felt it, in front of people who had. This was how she put it:

[where-do]

[egberts]

learning too much about the world has made me so aware of so many things and my depression is amplified to a ridiculous degree. they're right when they say ignorance is bliss. at this point i'm worried i'm far too aware of the world and myself to ever live truly free again. it feels like legitimate shackles on my brain. i can't do anything without being aware of every aspect of it and i hyper-criticize everything that could be enjoyed, even if my immediate second thought is "but who cares i should enjoy my time here despite xyz" that thought is always based in "because we are all gonna die one day so stop worrying so much" which just triggers a further spiral into existentialism and now i'm stuck at the bottom of an unrelenting anxiety pit with no idea how to get back out

[yardsards]

sometimes you gotta do harmlessly impulsive shit, for your mental health. reminds you that you have free will.

[leqclerc]

Charles Leclerc being consoled by Sebastian Vettel in the media pen after the Monaco Grand Prix 2022