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truetgirl · 2 years

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Third to last one of these. Man it’s uh. Been a month, all of a sudden. Well, hopefully reading this will be as nice a distraction as writing it stands to be. Well, in any case, just a reminder these are in no particular order. I have soemthing for the last one the 29th with a bit more to say than most, but really the only order consideration all month is to start and finish strong lol. But yes, today we have:

Bumbleby!

Once more, if you know me, probably could have seen this one coming. Also, to anyone tempted to tell me “you said canon ships for this series and this isn’t actually canon,” I beg you, please, for the love of god, revisit the lessons of your elementary school reading classes and build up those comprehension skills. Fiction will be so much more interesting, I promise. Also I apologize for how ramble-tastic this gets, I had a very hard time remaining any kind of concise while still getting in the points I want to talk about.

What compels me with these two is something I see get referenced a lot with them, but not as often discussed in its own right, and that’s the theme of forgiveness. What it means to forgive yourself, to forgive a loved one, to deserve forgiveness, to not deserve it, to know how to give it... It’s in every part of their relationship after the volume 3 finale, and I think that’s worth digging into.

So, basic context for anyone not aware of their story. Blake and Yang meet when they arrive at a school where they’re to learn how to kill monsters. In the first couple days there they become partners, then part of the larger unit of team RWBY. Over the course of their school year the girls, of course, get to learning about one another, and it’s revealed that Blake was once part of a civil rights group that drifted into radical and violent action, which she was part of for some time, but recently abandoned when they started crossing too many lines for her. By now, at least locally, they operate more like an organized crime syndicate.

After all of that comes out, Blake tries desperately to figure out what her former comrades are after and how to stop them. In doing this she nearly burns out completely, not letting herself rest or unwind basically at all for several days on end. Yang, ultimately, is the one who snaps her out of it a bit with a speech and a personal story about how even if you don’t want to stop, you have to be willing to slow down so you don’t burn yourself up, consumed by an obsession. Then they dance together at a homecoming party. It’s very sweet and gay.

If you ask me, that’s the first bit of forgiveness playing into their story, right there in volume 2, at pretty much the very first opportunity of their shared characterization being a thing that exists. Yang, very wisely, suggesting that Blake just take it a little easier on herself. Blake holds herself very responsible for actions taken by her old brothers and sister in arms, and it’s eating her alive. One of the first ways we see Yang caring for Blake, in the whole series, is by asking her to ease up on herself and let herself rest for her own sake. Forgiveness of the self, even in such a small form, in there right from the start.

Skip forward to the finale of volume 3 and the fall of Beacon and, well, shit just goes sideways for EVERYBODY at this point. Blake is worried Yang might be “too much like an old partner” after an incident where Yang was tricked into attacking an “unarmed” opponent for what seemed, to everyone but her, to be no reason. Who is this old partner? Well, after many glimpses of him across the series so far, he finally enters the story proper.

Adam. Blake’s old partner from the White Fang, and her abusive ex. Pictured above is him nearly killing Blake, who can hardly even try to fight due to her utter panic upon seeing him, and then vowing to leave her alive long enough that he’ll destroy everything she loves before killing her. Might I remind you, this is in revenge for her leaving him and the White Fang behind. Basically, in the simplest possible terms, he’s vowed to make Blake suffer because she dumped him, and he’s a manipulative, possessive, abusive prick.

And, unfortunately, he starts making good on his threat almost immediately when Yang shows up and rushes in to save Blake,

he sees how afraid Blake is for Yang, says he’ll start with her,

and then he takes Yang’s arm.

After the fall, the member of team RWBY scatter to the four corners of the world. For Blake and Yang (and Weiss too but that’s not what we’re talking about rn) that means going home. It’s not far for Yang, and honestly fair enough because the girl is in fact recovering from the most traumatic injury she’s ever sustained. For Blake, well, it could scarcely be farther. She runs to her parents’ home in Menagerie, which is on the other side of the world.

And I do wanna stress something about that: she ran. Ruby set off on a quest to do good in the world. Weiss was forced to come home by her father. Yang was brought home to recover from her injuries and figure out life as an amputee. Blake is unique in that she just flat out ran away. Weiss remarks to Yang later, in volume 5, that of course Blake ran. She had finally let down her guard and opened up to people again, and the second she did all of her worst nightmares came true.

She blames herself for Yang’s injury, she blames herself for the White Fang’s actions after having played the role she played in making it what it had become. Even Yang, who has been there for Blake all along, resents her. But not for the loss of her arm, or the actions of the white fang. Yang is hurt and angry because Blake left her.

See, that’s Yang’s great anxiety. While Blake worries she ruins everything she touches, Yang is deeply traumatized by the knowledge that her mother just up and left her as a baby, before they’d ever even gotten to know each other, for reasons that seem somewhere between stupid and nonexistent. She lives with the constant fear that she’s not enough, or too much, or whatever will drive people away.

But ultimately, after Blake was apart from her team for nearly a full volume longer than the rest of them spent apart, they do come back together. Her father and Weiss have helped Yang tremendously along the path that leads to her forgiving Blake, but she still has to be the one to do it. Similarly, Sun has helped Blake well along the road to forgiving herself for the things that she did not do, but she has to make the final push herself.

Throughout the first episodes of volume 6, the two of them awkwardly try to find their old dynamic with each other, but it’s not the same and they both know it. It takes a while of Blake being overly helpful and still feeling pangs of guilt, and of Yang just wanting her partner back and seeing her as the whole person she still is, that she doesn’t need to be protected as though she’s fragile and weak. By the late episodes in the volume they’ve started to get that chemistry back. They’ve largely managed to come to terms with themselves and each other, and apart from a comparatively minor (nut no less important) conflict from which they reconcile in volume 8, surely that’s all there is to be said here, right?

Nah, we still got Adam to wrap up. “But how,” I hear you wail, “How is he relevant to a discussion of forgiveness?!” And I answer, very simply: sometimes people do not deerve to be forgiven, and showing that in a context where it contrasts with people forgiving each other and themselves for their mistakes and anxieties? Exquisite.

Adam manipulated and abused Blake for years. He treated her like she belonged to him, like that was only natural, and he used her to do things that would horrify her the moment she stopped to think about them after getting away from him. That Yang forgave Blake for the things she did out of pain and fear is vitally important, in that it drew into greater clarity for her how wrong what Adam had done was. I really believe that volume 3 and earlier Blake, if she’d been confronted with Adam under different circumstances than she eventually was, may have begged him to forgive her, would have forgiven him, because the man is an effective manipulator and his hold on her was still a lot more present.

Even in volume 6, though she never offers him any forgiveness or absolution, she still tries multiple times to let him walk away. Yang, too, is willing to follow Blake’s lead on how to handle the situation after she arrives, despite her personal grudge against Adam. They give him a chance to stop and walk away, but they do not pretend that they can forgive what he’s done to them. “Being the bigger person” and forgiving someone can, in some cases, be good for the one doing it. But other times they don’t deserve it, they’ll never deserve it and their victims have every right to refuse to give it to them. And, in this case, when he keeps coming at them, every justification to do this:

To forgive the people who you love, and who truly love you? To accept each other, mistakes, anxieties, and all? It’s one of the hardest but most rewarding things you can do. And, equally, when you’re wronged time and again, but still feel care for the one doing it? It can be hard to admit that they don’t deserve your forgiveness, that what is best for you is to “take the low road” as it’s so often framed. Blake and Yang embody the power of forgiveness, both in what they give to each other and withhold from the man who hurt each of them, in different ways. They show how they care by taking each other back and their love growing stronger after terrible things hurt them and drove them apart, and that’s some good shit, if you ask me.

#kelly things #kelly's pride posts #bumbleby #blake belladonna #yang xiao long #rwby

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raineydays411 · 4 years

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Oh, what am I supposed to do without you

Loki x daughter!reader

Summary: Loki thought he was in a good place. He was married, happy and having a child. He should’ve known the universe wasn’t that kind.

A/N: God I’m so sorry about this one lol. Not much of the reader but I will be making a second part. I hope yall like this one though. Inspiration came from “Mr, Loverman” and this fic.

Master list

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The silence was rattling. It creeped into the room, slowly,menacingly. Threatening to make him go mad. It wrapped around his body like a familiar friend. Making it hard for him to breath as it suffocated him. He knew they were staring at him. Trying to figure out what he would do next, whether he would break or not. Truthfully he didn’t know what he would do. For now he just starred as well. Not at them, of course not. He stared at the one thing that mattered. His reason for waking up and living. The one person in this entire universe who gave his world color. He reached out to touch her. Touch the hands that were always so warm against his cold skin. Hands that held his firm and sure as she pulled him along behind her, a smile on her beautiful face. Hands that were now cold and limp, the radicant glow she had been known for gone dark. The colors she brought to his world dimmed to dull, gre, muted hues. Then a sound broke through the silence. two sounds actually. One a wail of new life, a baby taking her first breaths, and another. A wail of a man who has lost everything. A wail of agony and pain.

As the healers bustled around him, Loki had only one thought in his head.

“What am I supposed to do without you”

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Three months later and Loki still felt the emptiness left by his love. He heard her at night, humming sweet melodies as she stroked his hair. He hears her heartbeat as he eventually falls asleep, worn out by his constant tears. His room is in shambles, his clothes strewn about the floor, furniture smashed, everything is destroyed. Except for the things that belong to her. Her silk dresses that draped on her body perfectly were still hanging, untouched. The books she spent hours reading and re-reading remained on the shelf, collecting dust as they were no longer used. He doesn’t let anyone in their chambers. The space where they both shared. Space where they fought, made up, made love. To let someone else in would be tainting it. Soiling the memories they made together. That was one thing he could never do.

Another was look at the little monster who is responsible for this tragedy.

It was a girl. The daughter of one Loki Odinson and his beloved.

Ironic. This child was supposed to bring happiness with its birth. Not even cleaned and it already managed to take away Loki’s light. He can barely stand looking at it. He tried, of course he tried. But within minutes he had to call the nurse to take it away. Why?

Because she has her mothers eyes.

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“Loki”

“Get out”

“Loki, it's been nine months since your child was--”

“THAT THING IS NO CHILD OF MINE”

Frigga was taken aback. She knew her son was heartbroken, devastated at the loss of his wife. But to disown his daughter, that was something she didn’t see coming.

“Loki, you are being unreasonable.”

“Unreasonable? My wife has died because if that creature--”

“It is a child. A babe who has no idea who her father nor her mother is.”

“And as far as I’m concerned she never will!” Loki shouts, finally looking up at his mother.

Frigga heart breaks for her son. She sees the utter agony he is in, the inner torment going on in his soul. Even if she didn’t see it in his face, the state of his room and self gives it away. He looks like he hasn’t bathed in the nine months that has passed. His clothes were rumpled and wrinkled, hair unkempt and wild. His face was pale and hollow, as if he was only eating enough to survive. He had dark bags under his eyes that showed that he hasn’t been sleeping well. He truly was a man who was broken, almost beyond repair.

“My son” Frigga said carefully,” I can never understand the pain you are going through, I pray to Valhalla I will not have to anytime soon. But please if not for yourself or that child, for the memory of her, attempt to see your daughter before making a rash decision.” And with that, she walked out of his chamber, leaving Loki to the silence again as he stared at the spot his mother stood. considering her words, he got up. picked up his room, went to bathe and walked out of the room for the first time in nine months.

His face held no emotion as he walked down the hallways. He saw the servants stop and stare at him, shock filled their face as they saw the prince. He glared at them, sending them scurrying at the dark glance. He reached the nursery, the maid who oversaw the nursery tried to stop him.

“My lord, you--”

“Where is the child.” He said, calm and cool. The maid looked at him in fear, not knowing how to respond. At her silence, Loki scoffed and pushed her away, marching into the nursery. Upon entering he froze, memories of him and his beloved discussing the design they wanted for their child

**“Darling, why does the color shade matter? It’s not like the child has expectations.”

Laughter fills the air, “Loki, we must put every effort into showing our child they are loved. That includes finding the perfect shade of green to go with the room”

Loki looks at his wife, gently smiling.”If you say so my dear”**

The room was perfect. The walls were a beautiful shade of green that allowed the light into the room. There were vines and flowers crawling up the walls and draped over curtains. A white and gold crib stood in the middle of the chamber. A veil draped over it, preventing Loki from seeing the child inside. He was thankful as he worked up the courage to walk up to it. He looked out the window, seeing the stars that covered the sky, the lights of Asgard covering the earth.

She would have loved it.

He took a deep breath and walked toward the crib. He pulled back the veil only to see that there was no child in there.

“The babe is with your mother my lord.”

He turned to the maid. Embarrassed that she might have witnessed him reminiscing.

“And where is my mother” He asked

“In-in the dining hal--”

He walked away before she was able to finish her sentence. He took long strides to the hall, wondering his his mother had tricked him into eating with the family.On the way, he passed a window overlooking the garden. He thinks of the times where he used to sit in it and listen to her read.

*** “...exquisite, in question more. These happy masks that kiss fair ladies’ brows”

“My love, why do you insist on reading these midgardian stories?”

Her laughter reaches his ears, “Because beloved, it's a different perspective to something familiar”

“Oh? and what is that ?”

“Love” ***

“oki--”

Hearing his name, Loki is brought back to present times once more. He looks to see Thor, watching him with careful eyes.

“Brother, it is wonderful to see you.”

“I wish I can say the same.”

Thor laughs, a soft chuckle compared to the booming laughter Loki knows he is capable of.

“Ah Loki, your dry wit has been missed”

Loki rolls his eyes and starts walking and Thor follows. The two walking in silence.

“What is it like?” Loki says softly. Thor looks at him in confusion.

“It?”

“The child.”

“Oh brother, Y/n is--”

“Y/n?”

That was the name she wanted. If they were to have a girl. She was determined, seeing the name in the book she loved to read. He remembers when they were telling his family she was with child.

*** Everyone was seated, servants bustling around the long table. Laughter filled the hall as the sun was setting.

“Loki, you said you had news to tell us” Frigga said, taking a sip of her wine.

Loki smiled, looking at his wife. Her face absolutely radiant as she flashes a smile of pure joy.

“ Well,” Loki waits till Thor has taken a large swig of ale, “ My beloved and are are expecting a child.”

Gasps fill the room as well as Thor's hacking, ale being spewed on the table.

“Oh Loki that is wonderful!!” Frigga exclaims standing from her seat to embrace him. “Oh my dear, this is the most wonderous news,”

“BROTHER I can’t believe it!” Thor exclaims, lifting Loki in a crushing hug. And for once, he didn’t mind it. He turns to her and hugs her more gently. “ You are just full of surprises aren’t you, starlight”

Laughter, “Thor, I thought I told you to stop calling me that”

Silence fills the hall as Odin clears his throat, “ Loki, you have made me proud.”

Loki smiles as his love beams at him.

“Thank you father.”**

They reached the dining hall. A cold feeling formed in the pits of his stomach. He can see his mother, talking with a maid as she bounces the child. He can’t see it, as Frigga's back is turned to him. Odin’s presence is notably absent, a small relief on Loki's part.

Thor notices his brother’s nerves, he pats him on the back and says, “You can do this Loki.” Then walks off to join his mother. He kisses his mothers cheek and smiles at the child. He picks her up, bouncing her a few times prompting a small laugh. Loki gimances at the sound.

Thor walks up to him with the baby.

“Loki, this is Y/n Odinson”

He looks at the child. He takes in its features, Beautiful curly hair, already thick and voluminous even at this age. Brown skin, unblemished and clean. Cheeks, chubby with baby fat. And...its eyes. Those damn eyes, he could barely stand it, (e/c) eyes, the same as his lost love. In fact, almost all it’s features that once belonged to his darling. A pain filled his body. He really couldn’t stand looking at this child.

Not when his beloved wasn’t there to gaze upon their child as well.

No, this was not his child. Not anymore.

“Get rid of it.”

Shock filled the faces of both Thor and Frigga.

“Loki you cannot be serious.”

“Brother..”

“I SAID GET RID OF IT” Loki shouts. “I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THAT LITTLE MONSTER.”

And with that he leaves the dining hall. Leaving behind his mother, brother and the last piece of his wife he had. He hears it’s cries fill the silence.

He had only one thought in his head as he entered his chambers.

“What am I supposed to do without you”

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#loki x daughter!reader #loki x reader #loki laufeyson #marvel x reader #thor x reader #thor odinson #loki imagine #angst #fanfic #mcu loki #mcu imagine #tom hiddleston #poc #poc reader #reader insert #Loki x poc!reader

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dylanlila · 4 years

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LITTLE WOMEN FANFICTION

CHAPTER 3: SEVEN

Escapism

"Please, picture me in the trees...

...before I learned civility."

- seven, Taylor Swift

***

one.

- Let's run away.

It's barely a whisper. It's said more to the open sky above them than to anybody else.

- Let's run away.

It's more than a whisper now. It's a call. An invitation for something greater than both of them. And Laurie would gladly buy a ticket for that particular train. He would. But the sun is so wonderful and the clouds are so enchanting in their unusual shapes that even getting up seems like a chore. He wants to stay here. On the grass. But Jo is persistent in her wishes. Jo March never, never, gives up.

- Won't you say something, Teddy? Can't you just see it? We could be anything, do anything, go anywhere! The world could be ours!

She, unlike him, is on her feet. She always seems to be. Gravity isn't very fond of Jo. Or at least that's what Jo will tell you. Laurie doesn't know if that's true or not, but he likes hearing her talk. He finds himself generally attached to sounds. The chipering of birds. The first note you play on the piano. Amy's chaotic laughter. Beth's soft chuckles. Meg's little mumbles. Jo's wild exclaims. That's one of the many reasons why Laurie loves the Marches. It's like these sisters have discovered an utterly fresh, vivid and extraordinary way to be alive. It's a pleasant contrast to what he's used to.

It's always quiet at home.

"What do you say Theodore Laurence, kindest and most noble of knights of this kingdom? Shall we follow the wind and see where it leads us?"

"I wouldn't want it any other way."

"Then you accept my proposal?"

"I sure do, Miss March."

People's faces usually look radically different when lightened up with smiles. They look prettier, more beautiful and somehow truer to themselves as opposed to non smiling faces. Jo's doesn't. She is smiling at him right now and her face doesn't look any different. It's just as true and warm as it was a thousand smiles before. And would Laurie even be allowed to call himself a comrade of Jo's if he didn't gift her with a smile of his own in return? He grins at her with no specific thought behind the expression. This is how people are supposed to be smiling, he thinks. Wide and real. Yes, people are supposed to be smiling just like this.

For a second, Jo and Laurie are the same person. Hair wild, shirts half unbuttoned, cheeks flushed. Laurie's hands are splattered with dirt from the ground whose hostility he was taking advantage of moments prior. Jo doesn't seem to care about that. Once he's up and standing, she grabs his arm a bit forcefully (which he doesn't mind), a bit theatrically (because this is Jo and life is a theatre piece) and they start running, both of them now embellished with dust. There's a lot of stumbling (and stumbling is blamed on the seemingly nonexistent objects that appear and disappear under commands of fairy like creatures) and there's a lot of laughter (laughter that comes in its most natural form and doesn't show any interest in being contained under anyone's wishes, especially not the ones of the world).

"Oh dearest, the world might not be for us, but us we are for the world."

***

two.

Freedom is both the most basic and the most complicated aspect of life to be gained. It is so simple of a concept, one could easily and rightfully so believe how all of thought guardians (more commonly referred to as humans) should have the right to not only experience, but spend their entire lives swimming in shinning lakes of freedom. But it's not how it all works. Some have tiny bits of freedom. Some don't have it at all. Some have loads. Some have just enough. Too much, sadly or sadly not, have none.

Jo sometimes wishes she were a tree. High up in the sky, stretching out her branches towards infinity. She isn't a tree though.

Imagination is of grave help despite what anyone says. To a normal person, the tree is just a tree. Tree and nothing else. To Jo March, a tree is so much more. It's an opportunity. An adventure. It's a solace and a home. A sanctuary. She's climbing up one of her leaf providing friends as she's trying to figure out how to describe this moment the best. Her reflections are interrupted by a voice which surprisingly doesn't come from the bellow, but from the above instead. Once Jo spots the speaker's ground conquerors (or "shoes" if you are of dull old sameness and don't find the pleasure in crafting phrases unlike our Jo), she immediately recognizes their owner. She still isn't sure why Teddy let Amy paint his shoes with images of flowers, but she is mesmerized with the final result. And although she shall never share this with the oh, so great artist, Jo thinks Amy's creations to be exquisite.

"I presume you are coming here to put your mind at ease."

"That is correct, my boy, and I suppose you are here for the same cause. "

By the time they exchange these lines, Jo has already climbed up to the place where Laurie is. She finds herself a steady enough branch and rests her head against the surface of the wood. Her friend is positioned in a similar way, his leg gently swaying to a peculiar beat of his own making.

Two figures, who almost seem to be one with the wooden fellow, occasionally take an exceptionally deep breath. Their hands colored with bruises, souvenirs from many extraordinary expeditions, their clothes decorated with leaves. Seemingly they are flowers, nature is their most beloved companion.

It's quite a story how Jo and Teddy, these flower resembling humans, coexist without many syllables shared. The phrases they do sometimes grace each other with can end up being translated as meaningless or lacking in thought. But Teddy and Jo, among everything else, are inventors. They invented a language which only functions for them. What is mean to others represents to them a code. What is strange to some, playful and witty to them it is. What is impossible to comprehend, they understand with little to no effort.

"Language of flowers is the language of flowers for a reason. Nobody, but flowers, thinks it much sense."

***

three.

"I'M ALIVE! LOOK AT ME, EARTH!!! I! AM! BREATHING!"

This is just one of the many declarations that have furiously been shouted at the void today. Young people often have trouble befriending compromises, especially if those compromises are to be made with the creatures you live in close proximity with. Jo has again been fighting with her sisters for reasons she cannot exactly recall right this instant. It's funny, because this always happens to her. Something sparks her temper, she recklessly gives into it and at the end, it's all about the anger she doesn't know how to release. She usually goes on long walks or takes deep breaths. She basically tries to isolate herself from everyone until the storm passes.

Teddy has a different solution for her troubles, troubles that naturally turn out to be his troubles too because they are Jo and Teddy, Teddy and Jo, and they have the same troubles (which is both wonderfully relieving and awfully annoying at the same time). Jo wouldn't even call Teddy's solution a solution. They are both making these announcements of nonhuman frequency and dancing their heads off, and as ridiculous as it is, Jo feels it liberating. They aren't improving anything (just the opposite, screaming random things into the air represents the peak of impulsive behaviour) and the conclusion is: no profitable discoveries in the "containing yourself" department. But who cares? Sometimes you have to let it all out. Dance and shout the worries away. It wasn't a coincidence that Jo met Teddy under the circumstances that she did. They were both of hot tempers, strong wills and free spirits. And they needed to dance it all out out. Despite the absurdity and inappropriate mannerism a foreign eye would most certainly find in their actions.

"There exists no right nor wrong way to express one's self."

***

four.

Laurie is surprised with how much he is enjoying this. It's all very simple. Yet, he feels at peace. He feels like everything inside him has a chance to rest.

It's the fireplace and captivating movement of the fire flames.

It's the soft "click" he discovers every time Meg takes a step. Her shoes are marvellous singers.

It's the chattering of dishes he recognizes somewhere in the background. It must be Beth, cleaning the table after the meal.

It's Amy giggling mischievously after coming up with what Laurie supposes to be some kind of scheme or more accurately, a master plan. He wouldn't know what is it about, but whatever it is, Amy is destined to succeed in it.

It's Jo. This is all because of Jo. He wouldn't have come across the hidden delights of the "uncomplicated" and "boring" if it weren't for her. She takes a seat beside him interrupting the spectacular date he had with the fireplace, rests her head on his shoulder and sighs. It's like this with them. Touching has never been a big deal.

"Beautiful."

That's all Jo says. "Beautiful." He doesn't question it. He understands what she means even though he cannot explain it. He understands.

"Warmth. Choreographed chaos. Lines overlapping. Minds intertwining. Familiarity greeting you "hello". People. Family. Home."

***

five.

She cut her hair. She cut her hair and everything is supposed to be at least a little better if not completely fine. But she can feel the tears forming in her eyes as she's approaching the house. The money in her pocket is so incredibly present. No, the money is not just present in her pocket. Everything those dusty pieces of paper represent carries weight. A weight so grand Jo could swear there is somebody following her, kind of like the money has taken the shape of a person and is now accompanying her, monitoring her every move. What kind of world sees a green, ugly paper and claims of it a metaphor for greatest treasures? And the tears? The tears she cannot comprehend. Why would she care? It's just hair. If anything, she should be bursting with joy right now. She got rid of the womanly burden. But it doesn't feel right. It's all extremely selfish of her. Selfish and thoughtless.

Her sister is... not well. Her father is out there doing all sorts of heroic things and instead of crying over her sins, she's crying over this. For once she does something right, for once the part of her that's wrong different isn't screaming. And then it hits her. It's not just a part of her that's different wrong. It's her. The moment she realises this she steps into the house. Everyone is either too distant or too close to notice all that is hiding underneath her seemingly admirable actions.

Her body is barely handling the atmosphere. It's barely cultivating the facade. But her body is also covered with Teddy's waistcoat and just as she remembers this little fact she sees her best friend right there in front of her. He is not too distant nor too close. He is right where she is.

They have the same hair.

Jo is pulled towards him because this is Teddy and hugging Teddy is like hugging herself. They stay like that for a few moments, their realities greeting each other like two fellow soldiers, finally reunited in battle.

It doesn't make her feel any less hollow. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't alter the wrongs. But it does make it a little better. It offers an assurance. An assurance embodying validity so present, money can do nothing but hold a candle to. An assurance of rational absurdity. Because that's what Jo and Teddy are.

They are rationally absurd.

"It's a childish belief that all twins look the same. There exist many ways to be somebody's twin."

***

six.

She is holding his hand.

He has just told her how he doesn't fit within himself. He has just told her that and she is still here, laying on the floor with him, covered with blankets. She said it made sense. She must have been too tired or something. She must have misheard. She must have.

"Jo, are you there?"

She does not respond. She only squeezes his hand. It's not about the gesture itself. It's about everything the gesture holds.

Promises. Lifetimes. Daylights. Midnights. Setting suns. Growing spirits. Flowery Youths.

She is holding his hand.

" Mutuality sure is a wonderful creation. What is more wonderful though is mutual understanding. Mutuality means the returning of the same. Mutual understanding means accepting and loving of the different."

***

seven.

"I could run away for real this time. Explore the unknown, unravel the mystical. Encounter the miracles. Touch the heavens..."

Her words are empty. They don't mean much. They are empty and desperate. Empty, desperate and meaningless.

Her sister got married. Meg got married and she is talking to herself about running away. The wind is dancing with her again long enough hair, tangling its fingers into her rough curls, reminding her of the countless times it has done the exact same thing before. Mocking her with its endless supplies of stability and comfort. Jo is leaning over the wooden fence, despite the wishes of her dress which keeps complaining about her unlady like methods. Jo honestly does not care about the fancy bridesmaid dress and its wants. If one has the will to climb fences, one shall enjoy the act of doing so, no matter what some piece of fabric might have to say. She is trying to hold back rivers her eyes miserably wish to let flow. She cannot cry. She must not. She has an ongoing bet with Teddy about this. He was daring enough to assume she will turn herself into a paddle today and she ought to prove him wrong.

"What might a lady like yourself be doing here instead of enjoying the jolly ceremony out there in the open?"

"I am no lady Teddy, my being is in no need of such chains."

Laurie doesn't pressure her into answering the question (she would have answered it in the first place if she had the intention to) and steps on the fence beside her. He starts humming a random melody, rhythmically moving his fingers to the sound. He must be composing something again, thinks Jo and silently envies his creative range. It's been too long since she's written anything worth sharing.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Everything."

"Isn't that a bit too much of things?"

"Oh, it's just a little over the top Teddy, but I believe I can handle it. This mind is no stranger to overcrowding."

The same tree they used to climb when they were younger is now observing them, representing an eternal and haunting reminder of everything that once was. Jo is frightened. That silent way in which Teddy is looking at her is frightening. He is looking at her in ways she longs for to be different and his eyes have too many freshly discovered stories to tell. She is frightened she won't find those stories to be very pleasant.

"Do you remember that day when I told you how I wanted to run away?"

"How could I not?"

"I need to run away again."

Laurie doesn't need to hear it twice. He jumps over the fence and starts running, his arms widely spread, his tie and jacket long forgotten. It isn't real. Jo knows they will never go anywhere. The sun is setting and the lines of separation are clearing up. The sun is setting and challenges, struggles and complications lie ahead. She knows all of this. Yet, she hikes up her skirts like she's sixteen again and follows the path her boy has chosen for as long as she knows how to. Jo and Teddy run through the endless fields of gold, specks of sunlight meeting their bones. Teddy and Jo, Jo and Teddy, high in the sky for one last time before nightfall.

They keep falling over each other and eventually end up wrestling on the grass, occasional screams and consistent laughter adorning the air around them.

The last song of Meg's shoes. The last symbol Amy will ever paint on Jo's hands. The last wide smile of Beth's. The last understood conversation of birds. The last fellow of the trees. The last arrangement of flowers.

The last.

"Oh, to live in a world where there are childhoods, fields of gold and raging hearts."

"Grab a coat, leave a note and run away with me."

- William Chapman

#louisa may alcott #little women 2019 #little women fanfiction #laurie laurence #jo march #amy march #my writing #beth march #meg march #taylor swift #folklore #evermore #jo × laurie

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crustacean-on-main · 4 years

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Libertarianism and Territoriality

A while ago, I got involved in a kerfluffle with esteemed tumblr user @shieldfoss in which I unwisely threatened to longpoast at him about politics. Turns out, there is demand for this post (hello @samueldays), so now I actually have to write it. Ugh.

content warning: the following poast is ramblomatic

So, to get the preliminaries out of the way -- tumblr is an extremely unsearchable website, and this isn’t meant to be a character assassination, so it’s both entirely possible and disturbingly probable that the things I will be arguing against correspond poorly or, in the worst case, not at all to things shieldfoss actually believes. Therefore, I will be arguing against a cloud of beliefs that I feel to be common enough among self-described libertarians and hope thereby to make perhaps a more general point.

At the heart of this discussion is the question of whether believing territoriality is immoral is incompatible with other ideals of libertarianism. We’re already running into the problem of extremely ill-defined terms, so we’ll have to clarify here. Territoriality is the easier one; we’ll specify that we mean a belief in the right of a group of people to eject or exclude others from territory that they hold in common or over which they have power. “Libertarianism” is the thornier one, so it might take longer to get at the essence here. For the discussion of borders, the common beliefs that are more or less relevant are a belief in the primacy of property rights, a belief in contractualism, being favorable to freedom of association and being deeply suspicious of government in general, but especially where government regulation could interfere with any of the former three. Now, let us look at a small-scale hypothetical example to illustrate the issue under discussion. Imagine a village in rural Pennsylzhopiya, populated largely by very devout members of some sect -- call them the Ruritanians -- who believe very fervently in Jesus Christ and Not Smoking Tobacco. One day they are surprised to learn that the United States has been taken over by the Libertarian Revolution and will henceforth be governed as a minarchy. Mindful of their new powers, they immediately pool all their property in a new entity called the Ruritanian Corporation of Pennsylzhopiya, that has a charter which prevents it from selling any of its property outright, and gives the religious community of Ruritanians deciding power in what it can do with its land. Meanwhile, in Philomena, the capital city of Pennsylzhopiya, imagine a neighborhood of people whose politics can be summed up as “progressive, but skeptical of big government”. Delighted at the news of the revolution, they do nothing in particular, because they already own their houses. They expect their lives to improve as a consequence of decreased regulation. Inspired by the political upheaval, some outsiders move to the Ruritanian community. They cannot buy Ruritanian land, but they can lease it at a low price provided they swear not to blaspheme Jesus Christ or Smoke Tobacco. Some of them fail to uphold this code; the Ruritanian council votes to end their leases and eject them from Ruritanian property. Others convert, using funds they have saved up to buy further land and add it to the common possession of the Ruritanian community. Ruritanians benefit from the light of the Libertarian Revolution. Meanwhile, in the libertarian neighborhood, a more unpleasant sort of radical fundamentalist Ruritanians has bought a house after the previous owner moved away. They have taken up picketing in public squares around the neighborhood, condemning public tobacco smoking. Since they by and large aren’t doing anything illegal, and the owner of the public squares, the city council, remains bound to the U.S. constitution, which was reaffirmed after the Libertarian Revolution, their neighbors are in a bit of a pickle. They did not take advantage of the new legal regime to create an entity exercising power in their name, if only because they don’t trust each other enough to give up private ownership of their homes, so they can’t do anything about the picketers. As time passes, more Ruritanian fundamentalists move to Philomena, eventually creating a sufficiently large nuisance for their liberal neighbors that most of them move away, creating a newly fundamentalist Ruritanian neighborhood that can in turn use its power to create new corporations to make sure the neighborhood stays Ruritanian. I assume most of my readers know where this is going, so let’s consider the final case: what if the Ruritanians didn’t form such a corporation but left their lands privately owned? They’d be vulnerable to the exact same tactic, since once property is legitimately acquired, there is no way to dislodge its owner. The real, non-libertarian United States contains many examples of this kind of hostile takeover of neighborhoods between groups, largely accomplished by application of force that was either within the bounds of the law or not cracked down on by whatever higher authority should have. The upshot of all this is that if you truly care about freedom of association with all it entails -- essentially, the right to choose your neighbors -- then you are left with the uncomfortable reality that if you have no sovereignty over the territory you occupy, you can’t choose shit; this is, of course, not a problem with a hypothetical libertarian society only, as history attests. Libertarians for their part tend to answer this criticism in one of several ways. The first is basically “well if you have a problem you can leave”, or the exit-only approach. This is in my opinion not workable on a large scale outside of the US, and probably not even there, but is at least philosophically consistent. The second is giving up this freedom as a value, at which point you just collapse into progressivism with a procedural fetish. The most interesting answer is a variation on “would your neighbors sell to people whose values are so different from theirs?”. I think that the answer tends to be: yes, they would. Unless there is a powerful compulsion on every single one of those neighbors not to sell to certain people, they have no incentive to forgo their personal material gain or convenience for the benefit of their neighbors, especially if, say, they were moving away anyway. You also cannot really create such a compulsion in a libertarian society unless it already exists, since you’d have to surrender your very real privileges, your absolute property rights, to the community in order to benefit from collective organisation this way, and that is extremely unlikely to happen unless you are already a fundamentalist Ruritanian. Conceivably an intentional community of some kind could pull it off, but that’s basically answer one in material terms. The tl;dr here is that in my experience a lot of libertarians claim to care about the benefits of social cohesion, or at the very least presuppose that you already have it, but don’t give a lot of thought to how it might be obtained or preserved once you have it. It’s true that a libertarian state could actually help buttress it if your group already has fanatical levels of asabiyyah, by expanding the things you’re allowed to do with yourself contractually, but for most people that doesn’t apply. Indeed, we see that even in our non-libertarian versions of capitalism, the combination of market forces and upward concentration of force is extremely corrosive to this sort of group cohesion. The final consequence of this is that a libertarian society (again, defined as above) would be extremely vulnerable to collapsing into what we have now, if not worse -- there is neither incentive nor means for anyone to defend against concentration of power into the moneyed few who control the largest international corporations. I’ve limited myself in the examples to discussion of small-scale examples, but it’s trivial to see what happens if you extend the same principles to national borders. If nations all had open borders, no tariffs and homogenized legal systems recognizing the primacy of property rights, you would get the worst kind of cyberpunk dystopia, where the biggest capital interests could essentially do whatever the fuck they wanted. I think many libertarians were attracted to the ideology by the depredations of large organizations like this, and probably believe in the romanticized freedom of the smallholder more than the freedom of international capital, which is why I originally called this position incoherent. The ideal of individual freedom is a foil, something to distract from the fact that if you remove all intermediaries, you’re left with the leviathan on top and individuals immediately subject to it.

#longform #this probably needs an edit pass

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matildainmotion · 3 years

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Your Permission to Belong: a Deep Yes and a New Verb: To Matronise.

It turns out we are all imposters, or at least most of us feel we are. Although I knew this - it’s why I wrote a blog about it last month - I am still amazed and troubled that it is true. That so many of us feel like we don’t cut it, even in the context of a group like Mothers Who Make (MWM) that aims to be welcoming, inclusive, accessible. It has left me pondering on the opposite of Imposter Syndrome, on what it is that makes you, me, any of us, feel that we belong, that we have a right to be here. Who says? What or who gives us a sense of permission?

Permission -it’s a difficult word, not the obvious go-to one when on a quest for a sense of belonging. I associate it most immediately with stern, finger-wagging teachers, or ‘keep off the grass’ notices- with authority figures and forces that have the power to deny access. In its origins (Latin, permitere) it means to allow through, to let pass, which is why I think it is the key to our sense of belonging. Before we can belong, there is always a threshold moment, a point at which we are allowed to pass. Imposter Syndrome comes about when you feel you sneaked across the border - you are wandering about without a permit and it is only a matter of time before someone finds you out. No one gave you permission.

This is a top down model. The supplicant asks, waits anxiously to see if permission will be granted or denied by the authorities. It is a hugely powerful model. I still remember the first time I managed to get funding, the money was a minimal sum but far more significant was the feeling that someone had chosen me, had granted me permission to make a piece of work. Given how small the grant was, why couldn’t I have made it anyway?! Because I wanted an external authority to tell me I could. I wanted to be patron-ised.

Whilst, in theory, being a feminist and all, I didn’t agree with the patriarchal structure of this system, I was hopelessly hooked into it. I was a good girl, or desperate to be so, to acquire paternal approval to affirm my right to be or do anything. It has taken me becoming a mother to feel, viscerally, how problematic this top-down model of permission-giving can be.

As someone who had long identified as the supplicant, it was rather a shock, when I became a parent, to find myself in the position of authority- the one to dish out or withhold the permissions, in a hundred small ways, many times a day and I have found it exhausting. Perhaps because of this, I fear I am a permissive parent- I often allow my children to do what they want. Irrespective of what parenting methods you believe in, I think it is significant that being ‘permissive' has negative connotations. To say yes too often is a no-no. When I do say no, I have been struck, as my children grow, by the force of their reactions. They rage at first – which is hard - but then they walk away, which is harder. My daughter goes into a corner. My son has been known to make it out the door and down the lane. Both have told me I am the worst mother in the world and that they are in the wrong family - they don’t belong (their shared sense of melodrama is evidence to the contrary, but I refrain from putting this to them in the moment). My daughter is particularly sensitive to any of her wishes, ideas, words not being given full approval. Her back rounds, her head bows, the tears start. Sometimes this happens, not when I have frowned at her, but when I have condoned her brother. She is convinced that it is impossible for me to love her if I also love him. In other words, if she is to belong, she feels someone else must be left out- her inclusion only counts if he has been excluded. Needless to say, I find this very distressing. This is not what I want for her or her brother. And this is not what I want for MWM. I do not want to lead a movement that makes people feel left out, or as if they are imposters, one that furthers the dominant narrative around belonging- that some are allowed in, while others aren’t. What to do?

I remember back to a project I ran before Mothers Who Make called Permission Improbable, a play on the macho action spy movies, Mission: Impossible. The project, which I lead through Improbable, had the modest ambition of changing the world by supporting more women and non-binary people to improvise. Improvising, at its heart, is a game of permission-giving. In the absence of a writer or director - the usual authority figures - you have to practice giving your permission, saying yes, to the other players, the audience, to yourself- your impulses, feelings, thoughts. You never say no. It is not that every patch of grass in an impro scene can be trampled on, but rather that if someone puts up a ‘Do Not Walk Here’ sign everyone on stage says ‘yes’ to it, to the idea of it being part of the story. How ever many lawns are out of bounds, there is a deeper yes always at work- a common ground beneath the turf.

This presents a different model of permission-giving, not top-down, but reciprocal, and unconditional. We say yes to each other, and we say it together, without deliberation. Saying this deep yes to our ideas and impulses is not easy. We have been schooled to look outside ourselves, and upwards, for permission, and we have been trained to say ‘no’- sometimes with good reason. Sometimes ‘no’ keeps us alive. However too many ‘no’s may keep us less alive than we might be. It takes practice to say ‘yes’ but it is worth practicing. Arguably it is THE practice - the only thing you ever really have to practice, as a maker, as a mother- saying a deep “Yes.”

Image by Zoe Gardner @limberdoodle

I remember there was a time as a teenager when I ruthlessly dismissed my mother’s opinion of anything I did. She was my mum, massively biased - she’d always think what I had made was good so her positive feedback didn’t count. Retrospectively I disagree with my teenage self - I believe my mother’s validation of me counted hugely. I think it always counts. There is a place for discernment, but not at the expense of the first, fundamental practice, the ‘yes’ that gets us over the threshold.

When framed in this way, I actually think I need to be more permissive with my children. I need to practice, every day, saying a deep ‘yes’ to them, even or especially in the moments I am not allowing them to do something. As their mother I am their initial threshold, my body was the border they crossed into life. It is my task to say ‘yes’ to them. Yes, you are allowed to be here. Yes, you belong. I realise the children, in their own way, always say this kind of deep ‘Yes’ back to me, even when they are telling me I am the worst mother in the world. I believe that if I can engage in this reciprocal, unconditional model of permission-giving, it can result in a form of belonging that is not ‘in’ or ‘out’, inclusion/ exclusion - not another binary, but an ongoing dynamic process called community. And that is how I want to run Mothers Who Make, and in particular how I want to run our ‘Matronage’ membership scheme.

Let me do a brief re-cap on the Matronage story for anyone who doesn’t know it. In 2019, after a year of writing funding applications for MWM to councils, trusts (the UK patrons of the arts) and receiving no money - money being the major way in which permission is granted or denied in our culture - I was tired. I wanted to find a way to sustain the movement that was in line with the movement, that supported women/ non-binary carers to support themselves and one another, so I launched the Matronage scheme - if we could reach 300 Matron Saints, paying £1 to 10 per month, we could just about keep going. So far, a year on, we have 150.

My vision for Matronage is to see if it is possible to run a membership scheme powered entirely by the impulse to include, not by patronising ‘exclusive, members-only offers.’ I want to build a scheme that is accessible to anyone, no matter their financial status. There are benefits for signing up as a MWM Matron, but the primary, underlying one is that in doing so you are performing a radical act of permission-giving. It is a way to say a deep, resounding YES, to yourself and to others who care about creating and create whilst caring. Yes, you have a right to be here, Yes, your caring matters, Yes, your making matters too. And, yes, if you are reading this, you belong, no matter what your gender identity is, what your making practice is or isn’t, no matter whether you have children or not. Because, whilst it is important to practice saying ‘yes’ to yourself and your ideas, I do not think it is possible to do it all alone. We do need permission from outside ourselves, but we can give it to each other. Even if, like me, you do not identify as being someone important enough to hand out a permit, actually you are- I see it every time I run a MWM meeting or Mother Den. We can allow each other to pass through to a place of belonging, and it is a practice - we must do it over and over again. Let’s call this process ‘being matronised.’

To become a Matron Saint, you can pay anything from £1 per month to £10 per month - you choose. Most people pay £3, but if you can afford it £5 or £10 is brilliant. If you can’t £1 is fine. And if you cannot afford any monetary contribution then you can get in touch and we can playfully, joyfully, shamelessly, work out another kind of offering that you can make. Money is the fastest, and ironically often the cheapest way of saying ‘yes!’ but there are many others.

For now, when you become a Matron Saint you can:

-Attend as many International MWM peer support meetings as you like.*

-Attend as many Mother Dens as you like.*

-Attend any of the MWM Specials.*

-Write a Matron Saint interview, published online, celebrating you and your caring and creating.

-Apply to our Mother Pot commissioning fund once we reach 300 Matron Saints (when this happens a month of our Matronage will go back out to the matrons).

-Take part in our peer-mentoring scheme when I manage to launch it (watch this space!)

-Last but not least, you will give yourself and others permission. Permission to step over whichever thresholds you are teetering on. Permission to belong. And here is a new idea to make this tangible: when you become a Matron I would like to post you a ‘book of permissions,’ a living document to which you can add and which you will pass on to the next Matron, and so and so forth - a way to matronise one another. Such a list reminds me of what is apparently the nation’s favourite poem - Warning- the one in which the poet (Jenny Joseph) lists the outrageous things she will permit herself to do when she grows old - wear purple, pick flowers in other peoples’ gardens, learn to spit. I want to read your equivalent lists for now - let’s not wait till we grow any older.

Here, then, are your questions for the month, and I hope you will feel able to sign up as a Matron, invite others to do so (all genders welcome, non-mothers too), and write your answers in the new MWM book:

What do you need in order to feel you belong? What permission are you waiting for? Can you give it to yourself? Can you give it to others? Can you say a resounding ‘Yes’ to whatever it is you want to create in this world?

To become a matron go here:

https://www.nowdonate.com/checkout/td65v9xn404udt23p91c

To sign up as a matron and offer something other than money email me: [email protected]

*These particular matronly offers are, unless otherwise stated, open to women and non-binary folk only.

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aboutcaseyaffleck · 4 years

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Casey Affleck Gets Philosophical About Life, Time & The Whole Damn Thing

“Time,” reflects Casey Affleck, “is something I have been thinking about lately. It is ironic how the older you get, the better you are at being patient. With less time left, people become better at waiting. But this year, I feel much older and a lot less patient. I guess you’ve got to accept that time is never wasted? That doing is no different than not doing? That you can’t kill time no matter what you do, and that no matter what you do you can’t prevent the opposite from happening either? I don’t know. It’s a double-edged sword.”

It’s a Wednesday afternoon in early January, and Affleck and I are doing the Zoom thing, ostensibly to discuss his two new movies, the recently released indie Our Friend and the upcoming 19th-century period drama The World to Come. Yet our virtual tête-à-tête has become far more interesting, jumping wildly from his love of trains and travel to weightier topics like family, the future and the search for something more, something meaningful.

“I like the idea that time is an illusion. That past, present and future are all happening at once. I like it even though I can’t totally get my head around it. But either way, the me in the mirror gets older every day.”

Like most of us, he’s not only had plenty of time on his hands in recent months, housebound in L.A., but he’s tried to use his downtime wisely. “I tried to use this year of quarantine constructively,” the 45-year-old Oscar winner says. “I tried to see it as a winter season for shutting down and restoring something inside, but I just couldn’t. I’m not that evolved, I guess. I didn’t take up a new hobby or learn an instrument or get better at ‘self-care.’ If anything, I let my better habits and routines fall off. It was all I could do to keep my head above water and help buoy my friends and children when I could.”

As a guy with two teenagers at home — Indiana, 16, and Atticus, 13 — it hasn’t been easy, but he’s doing his best. He tried taking his sons on their annual camping road trip over the summer, but it was short-lived. Instead, he’s been focusing on making a happy home. “My kids don’t get to see their friends a lot, so I’m doing a lot more stuff with them, coming up with activities for the three of us, which they mostly hate, and I mostly let drop. And then I try again with the same outcome 90 percent of the time.”

While trying to create innovative plans to sustain his boys, he came up with one he thought might do some good, too. In June, he launched Stories from Tomorrow, a social-media initiative focused on creative writing by kids.

“At the beginning of all this last March, the first thing that occurred to me was that the quarantine would have a big impact on young people’s emotional well-being — the disruption they’re going to feel is really going to affect their mental health more than anyone else,” he says. “When I would sit down to write creatively, I felt better. But I couldn’t get my sons to journal or do creative writing much. I didn’t want to twist their arms about it. So I was like, ‘I’ll make a social media platform that inspires young people to write creatively, because it is such a good way of working out difficult feelings. And the way I will do that is have well-known people read the kids’ writing publicly.’ I knew that hearing your own writing read was exciting. I thought it would be really inspiring, that creative writing would be a great outlet for kids stuck at home.”

He enlisted some of the biggest names in Hollywood, including Robert Redford, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Jon Hamm, Matthew Broderick, Kyle Chandler and Danny Glover, as well as two current costars, Vanessa Kirby and Jason Segel, and arranged for donations made through the program to go to children’s hunger nonprofit Feeding America and Room to Read, which supports female education. He reached out to schools in Africa, Asia, the Middle East and Haiti, hoping to create a global community.

Affleck was excited to make progress, to have done some good, but the initiative didn’t take off as planned. “In the end, an Instagram account for creative writing by tweens just couldn’t possibly compete with the quintillion bytes of daily data generated online. I don’t know. But I tried! And anyway, since then lots of other organizations started doing basically the same thing, and they are more organized than I am, and they have done a better job. So be it.”

Yet, adults have been disrupted, too, including Affleck himself, who is aware that, relatively speaking, he has gotten through mostly unscathed. “Am I happy? I mean, I’m relatively okay. It’s been a hard time to find balance and to keep it. I would say it’s been a hard time in my life, but I know that it’s been harder for other folks. So far we haven’t lost anyone, and we haven’t lost our house. And I rediscovered that when you’re feeling bad, there’s nothing better to do than to try to help other people. Being of service not only helps others but is a great way of getting outside of yourself. Also — and I really believe this — I think this time will be remembered as one when our country made leaps and bounds in the right direction; we are changing and growing and it’s uncomfortable, but we will be much, much better. I wish I could see the next couple hundred years. It’s going to be amazing.”

At the end of the day, it’s family that’s keeping him going. “Having my kids around and being able to spend so much time with them has been amazing. It is the brightest silver lining in all of this. They are what gives me the most joy. They are funny and smart and interesting and interested. They are just the best company ever,” he says. “Anytime I try to parent out some ‘teaching moment,’ I find they are two steps ahead. They help me make sense of stuff just as much I help them, if not more. I don’t have any answers, but batting the questions around, back and forth, is a good way of coping.”

CALEB CASEY MCGUIRE AFFLECK-BOLDT feels he is luckier than most. Although he and many of his peers have gone jobless for a full year, he spent 2019 working hard. He had not one but three films done and dusted prior to the start of the pandemic; the last one wrapped a week before mandatory quarantine. Two of these have back-to-back release dates: the tearjerker indie Our Friend came out in January, and sweeping period drama The World to Come will be released February 12. Thriller Every Breath You Take is slated for later this year. “I am so, so, so glad I spent 2019 working that much. It is what kept us afloat all through 2020,” he says.

The films themselves are radically different, but there are a few common threads. In both of his winter releases, Affleck plays a man who has lost a family member and whose marriage is in shambles. In both, he is a man in pain.

In the LGBTQ masterpiece The World to Come, which revolves around the love that blossoms between two married women on the mid-19th-century American frontier, his character, Dyer, says very little but manages to convey a wealth of emotion with his eyes alone. He may seem stoic, but he is suffering.

“The World to Come is a story about a couple who have lost a baby. They’re dealing with the grief in totally different ways and having a very hard time coming together again,” he explains. “My character wants to heal that by having another, but his wife [played by Katherine Waterson] is coping in a different way. She is severing all emotional attachment to him because it triggers more and more grief. She [only] seems to come alive when she is with their neighbor, a woman on the next farm [played by Vanessa Kirby]. He wants his wife happy, but he also would like her to love him. To me, this is the story of how couples can have their relationship shattered by a sudden loss. And it’s definitely a beautiful story about two women who feel that they have to hide their love and find the courage to love each other anyway.”

Affleck likes layers. He himself has many, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that he’s drawn to roles written as fully formed characters, not caricatures. With Dyer, that’s abundantly clear. “Crisis is fun to play, [and Dyer] is in an interesting crisis,” he says. “I think he’s a really good person — a really decent, solid, loving person — which is what I loved so much about playing him and what I love so much about the writing. It’s more interesting when there’s no bad guy, just a conflict of circumstances and feelings that get so complicated that it drives two people apart.”

In Our Friend, a different set of circumstances drives the leads apart. Affleck and Dakota Johnson take on the true story of Matthew and Nicole Teague, whose imperfect marriage was strained by his long absences and her affair, neither of which seem at all important when she’s diagnosed with terminal cancer.

“To me, Our Friend is really a story about how petty grievances between people can divide them and then be forgotten when a gigantic tragedy is dropped in their laps. [Matthew] was wronged, it’s true — his wife cheated on him. On the other hand, he wronged her in a bunch of ways; [they] were just more passive and not quite so salacious. He wasn’t around. Matt got to be a dad and he got to travel the world as a journalist. He left her to take care of the kids. She wanted to have a life too, she had dreams of her own — she wanted to be a singer, she wanted to work — but she didn’t get to do that. She just got to be a mom. She was left holding the bag, and it wasn’t fair.”

He spent a fair amount of time immersing himself in the journalist’s life while filming in Fairhope, Ala., in 2019. (The film’s title is taken from Teague’s award-winning Esquire essay, “The Friend: Love Is Not a Big Enough Word.” The friend in question — played by Jason Segel — is a man who puts his life on hold to help the family during their darkest days.) But he did not become Matt Teague, which is an important distinction. “[Director] Gabriella Cowperthwaite asked that we not portray the personality traits of the real people. No accents, no mannerisms. [But] I did steal his style, because I had never seen someone nail the dad look any better than Matt. I say that with affection.”

As for the dreams Nicole gave up for her family, Affleck says, “If you were to ask Matt, I’m sure he would acknowledge that he was neglecting his role. He was neglecting her dreams, and that is a part of marriage, supporting what the other person wants. Like all relationships, it was complicated.”

Like life itself, really. This is why he can identify with both sides. He understands Nicole’s pain about the deference of her dreams as well as Matt’s desire to escape through travel — especially now, when Affleck himself has been completely grounded. Since the age of 17 he’s taken 20 cross-country road trips. His love of driving is secondary only to his enthusiasm for trains: Amtrak is his jam. He even fantasizes about owning his own train car one day.

Immersing himself in each location — whether it’s the sleepy Alabama town of Fairhope or the more exotic locale of Romania, which served as a stand-in for the East Coast of the U.S. in The World to Come — is actually one of the most desirable parts of the acting life, he says. “One of the things I love about working as an actor is that you go to some brand-new place and the community invites you in in a way that they don’t usually if you’re a tourist,” he confides. “You get to see what it’s like to really be there and imagine yourself living there.”

And he has — over the past ten years he’s spent so much time in cities including his hometown of Boston; Vancouver, British Columbia, the location of Light of My Life; Atlanta, where he shot the 2016 action flick Triple 9; Argentina, where he made Gerry; Dallas, for A Ghost Story; Calgary, Alberta, where much of the epic western The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford was filmed; Our Friend’s Fairhope set; Cincinnati, for The Old Man and the Gun; and Braddock, Pa., where he filmed the 2013 drama Out of the Furnace. “I have loved moving in and settling down and living a character’s life and then moving on. But I feel most at home in places that are struggling to get by. It reminds me of the neighborhood I grew up in. I feel lighter in those places, more relaxed. I feel like myself. I fit in.”

For him, the where is almost as important as the who — immersing himself in the place is imperative to understanding his character. This is part of what makes him such an accomplished actor — he and most of the parts he plays merge. I draw a crappy analogy about how the characters are like a coat, which he very obligingly works with. “You have to build the coat from all of the scraps and pieces of yourself; all these characters are made up of little pieces of me,” he says, noting, “Obviously, sometimes they can’t be. Sometimes I have no connection whatsoever, and those are the jobs I look back on and I either feel nothing for, or worse. But sometimes you have to take the job that is available, like most people in the world. You know? I don’t think my dad wanted to be a janitor. But he did it.”

He’s won an Oscar, a BAFTA, a Critics’ Choice Award, a Golden Globe and an Independent Spirit Award, among others, and appeared in films that run the gamut from box-office juggernauts like the Ocean’s 11 franchise and Tower Heist to indie darlings like brother Ben’s directorial debut Gone Baby Gone and Manchester by the Sea. He has even written and directed, most recently 2019’s Light of My Life, a bizarrely prescient movie about raising children in a pandemic. At this point in his career, he should have his pick of parts. “Not really,” he says. “There are a lot of people out there who have done good work, who are driven, and who have something to share. I have never been someone studios embraced as a ‘movie star,’ never knighted. I have always had to fight for the parts I have gotten. And you know what? That’s fine. Let me fight. It’s how I cut my teeth, and it is how I will keep them sharp. You can’t ask for more than a chance to be in the ring. Also, movies and TV aren’t all I care about. Sometimes I think, ‘Well, jeez, I have to work, and there are two jobs available to me, and the one that isn’t as good is the one that is close to home and I can see the kids, so I guess I am doing that.’ I love movies and really try hard to make them good. I really bust my ass every day when I get the chance to make one. I care more about my family than any movie. It’s not [always] the job I love, but this is the reality of my life. But maybe life will be long enough for a few more chapters.

The forward momentum of his future is an interesting topic. At the moment, he isn’t so much planning for the future as he is exploring it, because Affleck is not someone who likes to live with regret.

“I guess [at the end of the day], regret should be reframed as a reminder to be different,” he observes. And so, with this in mind, he embarked on a personal journey several years ago and decided to go back to college (at the Simon Fraser University in British Columbia). He had completed two years at Columbia University, but he never graduated — his film career kept getting in the way.

“I went back to school because I hadn’t finished, and I wanted to think about new things in a way that school can help you do,” he says. “I couldn’t go in person, so I found a strong online school and got started. You know, I’m 45, and I just thought, ’This is halftime. This is where you hit the locker room and think about how you want the rest of the game to go.’ You know what I mean? Like, ‘Okay, we went out, we played our best, we didn’t know what the other team was going to be like, we made some mistakes, we are in the game, so let’s adjust like this.’ Also, I’m not sure I want to be an actor forever. I had made a small pivot from acting into directing, and into producing more. And I like to direct movies. The most satisfying creative experience I’ve had in a long time was being a director. But ultimately it wasn’t quite enough. So I wanted to go study some of the things I was interested in. I wanted to do more with my life.”

Although he needed general credits to graduate, he found an unexpected passion for juvenile justice along the way, with a particular focus on alternative accountability programs. “I don’t know where this will lead me, or why I am so interested in it, but finding and implementing better systems for addressing harm and conflict among kids, adults too, but mostly young people, is something I care about. And the work that I have done so far has been fascinating and deeply rewarding.”

When I ask if this stems from his own experiences as a troubled kid growing up in Cambridge, Mass., with Christine, a single mom — his parents divorced when he was 9; his father, Timothy, an alcoholic tradesman, checked into a rehab facility in Indio, Calif., when Affleck was just 14 — he muses thoughtfully, “I love my parents and think they both did the very best they could and cared a lot. Period. Did I get into some trouble as a teenager? I got into some trouble when I was a kid, and I struggled a lot through high school with depression and substances, yes. Much of it I didn’t even know wasn’t normal. I don’t know if I was ‘troubled.’ Either way, as an adult, I’ve come to see that, regardless of how I compare to anyone else, I want less conflict in my life. That might be part of the reason why I’ve been so interested in learning about better ways of resolving conflicts, both with children and with grown-ups. It isn’t something they teach in school for some reason. Man, there is a lot they don’t teach you in school, huh? A lot you’ve got to learn on your own.”

And on this journey, mistakes will be made. That’s par for the course, and Affleck is no exception. “I have made so many mistakes, but life is the time for mistakes. I do believe people should hold themselves accountable and repair harm they have caused. That is important to me, and I try hard to do that whenever it is called for: apologize for mistakes and repair them,” he admits.

This is when our conversation, as such conversations are wont to do, comes full circle. Before we say goodbye, Affleck remarks, “You know, I heard Bono talking on Howard Stern’s show, and he said something about Frank Sinatra that was interesting. He said that he heard two versions of Frank singing ‘My Way.’ One version was recorded when Frank was young, and the other version was recorded when Frank was old. Each had the exact same words, same arrangement, same everything. But when Frank was young the line ‘I did it my way’ sounded proud, and when Frank was old it sounded humble. Whatever else time does to a person, I think it also does that.”

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bluewatsons · 5 years

Conversation

Masha Gessen, Interview: Judith Butler Wants Us To Reshape Our Rage, The New Yorker (February 9, 2020)

Masha Gessen: In this new book, you propose not just an argument for nonviolence as a tactic but as an entirely different way of thinking about who we are.

Judith Butler: We are used to thinking strategically and instrumentally about questions of violence and nonviolence. I think there is a difference between acting as an individual or a group, deciding, “Nonviolence is the best way to achieve our goal,” and seeking to make a nonviolent world—or a less violent world, which is probably more practical. I’m not a completely crazy idealist who would say, “There’s no situation in which I would commit an act of violence.” I’m trying to shift the question to “What kind of world is it that we seek to build together?” Some of my friends on the left believe that violent tactics are the way to produce the world they want. They think that the violence falls away when the results they want are realized. But they’ve just issued more violence into the world.

Masha Gessen: You begin with a critique of individualism “as the basis of ethics and politics alike.” Why is that the starting point?

Judith Butler: In my experience, the most powerful argument against violence has been grounded in the notion that, when I do violence to another human being, I also do violence to myself, because my life is bound up with this other life. Most people who are formed within the liberal individualist tradition really understand themselves as bounded creatures who are radically separate from other lives. There are relational perspectives that would challenge that point of departure, and ecological perspectives as well.

Masha Gessen: And you point out that in the liberal individualist way of thinking, the individual is always an adult male in his prime, who, just at this particular moment when we encounter him, happens to have no needs and dependencies that would bind him to others.

Judith Butler: That model of the individual is comic, in a way, but also lethal. The goal is to overcome the formative and dependent stages of life to emerge, separate, and individuate—and then you become this self-standing individual. That’s a translation from German. They say selbstständig, implying that you stand on your own. But who actually stands on their own? We are all, if we stand, supported by any number of things. Even coming to see you today—the pavement allowed me to move, and so did my shoes, my orthotics, and the long hours spent by my physical therapist. His labor is in my walk, as it were. I wouldn’t have been able to get here without any of those wonderful technologies and supporting relations. Acknowledging dependency as a condition of who any of us happens to be is difficult enough. But the larger task is to affirm social and ecological interdependence, which is regularly misrecognized as well. If we were to rethink ourselves as social creatures who are fundamentally dependent upon one another—and there’s no shame, no humiliation, no “feminization” in that—I think that we would treat each other differently, because our very conception of self would not be defined by individual self-interest.

Masha Gessen: You have written before about the concept of grievability, and it is an important idea in this book. Can you talk about it?

Judith Butler: You know when I think it started for me? Here in the United States, during the aids crisis, when it became clear that many people were losing their lovers and not receiving adequate recognition for that loss. In many cases, people would go home to their families and try to explain their loss, or be unable to go home to their families or workplaces and try to explain their loss. The loss was not recognized, and it was not marked, which means that it was treated as if it were no loss. Of course, that follows from the fact that the love they lived was also treated as if it were no love. That puts you into what Freud called melancholia. In contemporary terms, it is a version of depression, even as it admits of manic forms—but not just individual depression but shared melancholia. It enraged me then, as it does now, that some lives were considered to be more worthy of grieving publicly than others, depending on the status and recognizability of those persons and their relations. And that came home to me in a different way in the aftermath of 9/11, when it was very clear that certain lives could be highly memorialized in the newspapers and others could not. Those who were openly mourned tended to lead lives whose value was measured by whether they had property, education, whether they were married and had a dog and some children. The traditional heterosexual frame became the condition of possibility for public mourning.

Masha Gessen: You are referring to the twenty-five hundred mini-obituaries in the Times, right?

Judith Butler: Yes. It was rather amazing the way that the undocumented were not really openly and publicly mourned through those obituaries, and a lot of gay and lesbian people were mourned in a shadowy way or not at all. They fell into the dustbin of the unmournable or the ungrievable. We can also see this in broader public policies. There are those for whom health insurance is so precious that it is publicly assumed that it can never be taken away, and others who remain without coverage, who cannot afford the premiums that would increase their chances of living—their lives are of no consequence to those who oppose health care for all. Certain lives are considered more grievable. We have to get beyond the idea of calculating the value of lives, in order to arrive at a different, more radical idea of social equality.

Masha Gessen: You write about the militant potential of mourning.

Judith Butler: It’s something that can happen, though it doesn’t always happen. Black Lives Matter emerged from mourning. Douglas Crimp, the great art historian and theorist, reflected on mourning and militancy in an important essay by that name.

Masha Gessen: In “The Force of Nonviolence,” you repeatedly stress the importance of counter-realism, even an “ethical obligation” to be unrealistic. Can you explain that?

Judith Butler: Take the example of electability. If one takes the view that it is simply not realistic that a woman can be elected President, one speaks in a way that seems both practical and knowing. As a prediction, it may be true, or it may be shifting as we speak. But the claim that it is not realistic confirms that very idea of reality and gives it further power over our beliefs and expectations. If “that is just the way the world is,” even though we wish it were different, then we concede the intractability of that version of reality. We’ve said such “realistic” things about gay marriage before it became a reality. We said it years ago about a black President. We’ve said it about many things in this world, about tyrannical or authoritarian regimes we never thought would come down. To stay within the framework of Realpolitik is, I think, to accept a closing down of horizons, a way to seem “cool” and skeptical at the expense of radical hope and aspiration. Sometimes you have to imagine in a radical way that makes you seem a little crazy, that puts you in an embarrassing light, in order to open up a possibility that others have already closed down with their knowing realism. I’m prepared to be mocked and dismissed for defending nonviolence in the way that I do. It might be understood as one of the most profoundly unrealistic positions you could hold in this life. But when I ask people whether they would want to live in a world in which no one takes that position, they say that that would be terrible.

Masha Gessen: I want to challenge your examples a little bit. The electability issue can be argued not from the point of view of counter-realism but by saying, “Your view of reality is limited. It doesn’t take into account the number of women voters, or the number of women who were elected in the midterms.” Same with gay marriage--people who didn’t believe it was possible simply didn’t realize what a huge shift in social attitudes had occurred between generations. In a sense, those are easier arguments than the one I think you are making, which is, “You might be right about reality, but this is not a reality we should be willing to accept.”

Judith Butler: I am talking about how the term “reality” functions in social-political discourse. Sometimes “reality” is used to debunk as childish or unknowledgeable points of view that actually are holding out a more radical possibility of equality or freedom or democracy or justice, which means stepping out of a settled understanding. We see how socialist ideals, for instance, are dismissed as “fanciful” in the current election. I find that the dismissive form of realism is guarding those borders and shutting down those horizons of possibility. It reminds me of parents who say, “Oh, you’re gay . . .” or “Oh, you’re trans—well, of course I accept you, but it’s going to be a very hard life.” Instead of saying, “This is a new world, and we are going to build it together, and you’re going to have my full support.”

Masha Gessen: On the other hand, I have been accused by my kids of not understanding how the world works—for rejecting what’s broadly understood to be the way things are. Don’t we also have a responsibility to acknowledge the hardships kids face?

Judith Butler: If the terms of their struggle and their suffering are the ones that they bring to you from their experience, then, yes, of course. But if you impose it on them before they even had a chance to live, that’s not so good.

Masha Gessen: Let’s talk about your approach to nonviolence as a matter not of individual morality but of a social philosophy of living.

Judith Butler: Most of the time, when we ask moral questions—like “What would you do?” or “How would you conduct yourself, and how would you justify your actions?” if such-and-such were the case—it’s framed as a hypothetical in which one person is offering a justification to another person, with the aim of taking individual responsibility for a potential action. That way of thinking rests on the notion that individual deliberation is at the core of moral action. Of course, to some degree it is, but we do not think critically about the individual. I am seeking to shift the question of nonviolence into a question of social obligations but also to suggest that probing social relationality will give us some clues about what a different ethical framework would be. What do we owe those with whom we inhabit the earth? And what do we owe the earth, as well, while we’re at it? And why do we owe people or other living creatures that concern? Why do we owe them regard for life or a commitment to a nonviolent relationship? Our interdependency serves as the basis of our ethical obligations to one another. When we strike at one another, we strike at that very bond. Many social psychologists will tell us that certain social bonds are consolidated through violence, and those tend to be group bonds, including nationalism and racism. If you’re part of a group that engages in violence and feels that the bonds of your connection to one another are fortified through that violence, that presumes that the group you’re targeting is destroyable and dispensable, and who you are is only negatively related to who they are. That’s also a way of saying that certain lives are more valuable than others. But what would it mean to live in a world of radical equality? My argument is that then we cannot kill one another, we cannot do violence to one another, we cannot abandon each other’s lives.

Masha Gessen: And this is where your critique of self-defense comes in.

Judith Butler: Don’t get me wrong--I’ve been trained in self-defense. I’m very grateful for that early training. But I’ve always wondered what that self is that we’re defending. Many people have pointed out that only certain people, in courts of law, are permitted to argue self-defense, and others very rarely are. We know that white men can protect themselves and their property and wield force in self-defense much more easily than black and brown people can. Who has the kind of self that is recognized by the law and the public as worthy of self-defense? If I think of myself not just as this bounded individual but as fundamentally related to others, then I locate this self in those relations. In that case, the self I am trying to defend is not just me but all those relations that define and sustain me, and those relations can, and should be, extended indefinitely beyond local units like family and community. If the self I’m trying to defend is also in some sense related to the person I’m tempted to kill, I have to make sure not to do violence to that relation, because that’s also me. One could go further--I’m also attacking myself by attacking that person, since I am breaking a social bond that we have between us. The problem of nonviolence looks different if you see it that way.

Masha Gessen: In a couple of places in the book, you say that nonviolence is not an absolute principle, or that you’re not arguing that no one has the right to self-defense—you are just suggesting a new set of guiding principles. I found myself a little disappointed every time you make that caveat. Does it not weaken your argument when you say, “I’m arguing against self-defense, but I’m not saying that no one has a right to self-defense”?

Judith Butler: If I were giving a rational justification for nonviolence as a position, which would make me into a much more proper philosopher than I am—or wish to be—then it would make sense to rule out all exceptions. But we don’t need a new rational justification for nonviolence. We actually need to pose the question of violence and nonviolence within a different framework, where the question is not “What ought I to do?” but “Who am I in relation to others, and how do I understand that relationship?” Once social equality becomes the framework, I’m not sure we are deliberating as individuals trying to come up with a fully rational position, consistent and complete and comprehensive for all circumstances. We might then approach the world in a way that would make violence less likely, that would allow us to think about how to live together given our anger and our aggression, our murderous wishes—how to live together and to make a commitment to that, outside of the boundaries of community or the boundaries of the nation. I think that that’s a way of thinking, an ethos—I guess I would use that word, “ethos,” as something that would be more important to me than a fully rational system that is constantly confounded by exceptions.

Masha Gessen: And would it be correct to say that you are also asking us not to adopt this new framework individually but actually to rethink together with others—that adopting this frame requires doing it in an interdependent way?

Judith Butler: I think so. We would need to develop political practices to make decisions about how to live together less violently. We have to be able to identify institutional modes of violence, including prisons and the carceral state, that are too often taken for granted and not recognized as violent. It’s a question of bringing out in clear terms those institutions and sets of policies that regularly make these kinds of distinctions between valuable and non-valuable lives.

Masha Gessen: You talk about nonviolence, rather unexpectedly, as a force, and even use words like “militant” and “aggressive.” Can you explain how they go together?

Judith Butler: I think many positions assume that nonviolence involves inhabiting the peaceful region of the soul, where you are supposed to rid yourself of violent feelings or wishes or fantasy. But what interests me is cultivating aggression into forms of conduct that can be effective without being destructive.

Masha Gessen: How do you define the boundary of what is violence?

Judith Butler: The physical blow cannot be the only model for thinking about what violence is. Anything that jeopardizes the lives of others through explicit policy or through negligence—and that would include all kinds of public policies or state policies—are practices of institutional or systemic violence. Prisons are the most persistent form of systemic violence regularly accepted as a necessary reality. We can think about contemporary borders and detention centers as clear institutions of violence. These violent institutions claim that they are seeking to make society less violent, or that borders keep violent people out. We have to be careful in thinking about how “violence” is used in these kinds of justifications. Once those targeted with violence are identified with violence, then violent institutions can say, “The violence is over there, not here,” and inflict injury as they wish. People in the world have every reason to be in a state of total rage. What we do with that rage together is important. Rage can be crafted—it’s sort of an art form of politics. The significance of nonviolence is not to be found in our most pacific moments but precisely when revenge makes perfect sense.

Masha Gessen: What kinds of situations are those?

Judith Butler: If you’re someone whose family has been murdered, or if you’re part of a community that has been violently uprooted from your homes. In the midst of feeling that rage, one can also work with others to find that other way, and I see that happening in nonviolent movements. I see it happening in Black Lives Matter. I think the feminist movement is very strongly nonviolent—it very rarely gets put in that category, but most of its activities are nonviolent, especially the struggle against sexual violence. There are nonviolent groups in Palestine fighting colonization, and anticolonial struggles have offered many of the most important nonviolent movements, including Gandhi’s resistance to British colonialism. Antiwar protests are almost by definition nonviolent.

Masha Gessen: One of the most striking passages in the book is about what you call “the contagious sense of the uninhibited satisfactions of sadism.” You write about the appeal of blatant and indifferent destructiveness. What did you have in mind when you wrote those phrases?

Judith Butler: It’s unclear whether Trump is watching Netanyahu and Erdoğan, whether anyone is watching Bolsonaro, whether Bolsonaro is watching Putin, but I think there are some contagious effects. A leader can defy the laws of his own country and test to see how much power he can take. He can imprison dissenters and inflict violence on neighboring regions. He can block migrants from certain countries or religions. He can kill them at a moment’s notice. Many people are excited by this kind of exercise of power, its unchecked quality, and they want in their own lives to free up their aggressive speech and action without any checks--no shame, no legal repercussions. They have this leader who models that freedom. The sadism intensifies and accelerates I think, as many people do, that Trump has licensed the overt violence of white supremacy and also unleashed police violence by suspending any sense of constraint. Many people thrill to see embodied in their government leader a will to destruction that is uninhibited, invoking a kind of moral sadism as its perverse justification. It’s going to be up to us to see if people can thrill to something else.

Masha Gessen: That goes back to my question about where the boundary of violence lies. For example, can you describe Trump’s speech acts as violence? He hasn’t himself stopped anybody at the border or shot anyone in a mosque.

Judith Butler: Executive speech acts have the power to stop people, so his speech acts do stop people at the border. The executive order is a weird speech act, but he does position himself as a quasi king or sovereign who can make policy through simply uttering certain words.

Masha Gessen: Or tweeting.

Judith Butler: The tweet acts as an incitation but also as a virtual attack with consequences; it gives public license to violence. He models a kind of entitlement that positions him above the law. Those who support him, even love him, want to live in that zone with him. He is a sovereign unchecked by the rule of law he represents, and many think that is the most free and courageous kind of liberation. But it is liberation from all social obligation, a self-aggrandizing sovereignty of the individual.

Masha Gessen: You describe this current moment rather beautifully in the book as a “politically consequential form of phantasmagoria.”

Judith Butler: If we think about the cases of police violence against black women, men, and children who are unarmed, or are actually running away, or sleeping on the couch, or completely constrained and saying that they cannot breathe, we would reasonably suppose that the manifest violence and injustice of these killings is evident. Yet there are ways of seeing those very videos that document police violence where the black person is identified as the one who is about to commit some terribly violent act. How could anyone be persuaded of that? What are the conditions of persuasion such that a lawyer could make that argument, on the basis of video documentation, and have a jury or judge accept that view? The only way we can imagine that is if we understand potential violence to be something that black people carry in them as part of their blackness. It has been shocking to see juries and judges and police investigators exonerate police time and again, when it would seem—to many of us, at least—that these were cases of unprovoked, deadly violence. So I understand it as a kind of racial phantasmagoria.

Masha Gessen: Just to be clear, you’re not saying that these juries saw violence being perpetrated against somebody nonviolent and decided to let the perpetrator off. You’re saying that they actually perceived violence--in the radically subjugated black body, or the radically constrained black body, or the black body that’s running with fear away from some officer who is threatening them with violence. And if you’re a jury—especially a white jury that thinks it’s perfectly reasonable to imagine that a black person, even under extreme restraint, could leap up and kill you in a flash—that’s phantasmagoria. It’s not individual psychopathology but a shared phantasmatic scene.

Masha Gessen: How did this book come about?

Judith Butler: I have been working on this topic for a while. It’s linked to the problem of grievability, to human rights, to boycott politics, to thinking about nonviolent modes of resistance. But, also, some of my allies on the left were pretty sure that, when Trump was elected, we were living in a time of fascism that required a violent overthrow or a violent set of resistance tactics, citing the resistance to Nazism in Europe and Fascism in Italy and Spain. Some groups were affirming destruction rather than trying to build new alliances based on a new analysis of our times, one that would eventually be strong enough to oppose this dangerous current trend of authoritarian, neo-Fascist rule.

Masha Gessen: Can you give some examples of what you see as affirming destruction?

Judith Butler: At a very simple level--getting into physical fights with fascists who come to provoke you. Or destruction of storefronts because capitalism has to be brought to its knees, as has happened during Occupy and anti-fascist protests in the Bay Area, even if those storefronts belong to black people who struggled to establish those businesses. When I was in Chile last April, I was struck by the fact that the feminist movement was at the forefront of the left, and it made a huge difference in thinking about tactics, strategies, and aims. In the U.S., I think that some men who always saw feminism as a secondary issue feel much freer to voice their anti-feminism in the context of a renewed interest in socialism. Of course, it does not have to go that way, but I worry about a return to the framework of primary and secondary impressions. Many social movements fought against that for decades.

Masha Gessen: You have faced violence, and I know there are some countries you no longer feel safe travelling to. What has happened?

Judith Butler: There are usually two issues, Palestine or gender. I have come to understand in what places which issue is controversial. The anti-“gender ideology” movement has spread throughout Latin America, affecting national elections and targeting sexual and gender minorities. Those who work on gender are often maligned as “diabolical” or “demons.” The image of the devil is used a lot, which is very hard on me for many reasons, partly because it feels anti-Semitic. Sometimes they treat me as trans, or they can’t decide whether I’m trans or lesbian or whatever, and they credit my work from thirty years ago as introducing this idea of gender, when even cursory research will show that the category has been operative since the nineteen-fifties.

Masha Gessen: How do you know that they see you as trans?

Judith Butler: In Brazil, they put a pink bra on the effigy that they made of me.

Masha Gessen: There was an effigy?

Judith Butler: Yes, and they burned that effigy.

Masha Gessen: “Pink bra” wouldn’t seem to be the headline of that story?

Judith Butler: But the idea was that the bra would be incongruent with who I am, so they were assuming a more masculine core, and the pink bra would have been a way to portray me in drag. That was kind of interesting. It was kind of horrible, too.

Masha Gessen: Did you witness it physically?

Judith Butler: I was protected inside a cultural center, and there were crowds outside. I am glad to say that the crowd opposing the right-wing Christians was much larger.

Masha Gessen: Are you scared?

Judith Butler: I was scared. I had a really good bodyguard, who remains my friend. But I wasn’t allowed to walk the streets on my own.

Masha Gessen: Let’s review this “gender ideology” idea, because not everyone is familiar with this phenomenon.

Judith Butler: It’s huge.

Masha Gessen: It’s the idea, promoted by groups affiliated with Catholic, evangelical, and Eastern Orthodox churches, that a Jewish Marxist–Frankfurt School–Judith Butler conspiracy has hatched a plot to destroy the family by questioning the immutability of sex roles, and this will lead white people to extinction.

Judith Butler: They are taking the idea of the performativity of gender to mean that we’re all free to choose our gender as we wish and that there is no natural sex. They see it as an attack on both the God-given character of male and female and the ostensibly natural social form in which they join each other—heterosexual marriage. But, sometimes, by “gender” they simply mean gender equality, which, for them, is destroying the family, which presumes that the family has a necessary hierarchy in which men hold power. They also understand “gender” as trans rights, gay rights, and as gay equality under the law. Gay marriage is particularly terrifying to them and seen as a threat to “the family,” and gay and lesbian adoption is understood to involve the molestation of children. They imagine that those of us who belong to this “gender movement,” as they put it, have no restrictions on what we will do, that we represent and promote unchecked sexual freedom, which leads to pedophilia. It is all very frightening, and it has been successful in threatening scholars and, in some cases, shutting down programs. There is also an active resistance against them, and I am now part of that.

Masha Gessen: How long has this been going on, this particular stage of your existence in the world?

Judith Butler: The Pontifical Council for the Family, led by Pope Francis before his elevation, published papers against “gender” in 2000. I wrote briefly about that but could not imagine then that it would become a well-financed campaign throughout the world. It started to affect my life in 2012 or ’13.

Masha Gessen: And, aside from finding it, as I can tell, sometimes a little bit amusing—

Judith Butler: Oh, no, it’s terrifying. I have feared for my life a few times, and scholars in Bahia and other parts of the world have been threatened with violence. Even the clip you saw online was incomplete—they, the gender-ideology people, made it and circulated it because they were apparently proud of themselves. What they didn’t show is the woman who came after me, running with a cart, as I went to the security checkpoint. She was about to shove me with that metal cart when some young man with a backpack came out of a store and actually interposed his body between the cart and me, and he ended up on the floor, in a physical fight with her, which I saw as I was going up the elevator. I looked back, and I thought, This guy has sacrificed his physical well-being for me. I don’t know who he is to this day. I would like to find this person and thank him.

Masha Gessen: Is that the only time you have faced physical violence?

Judith Butler: Some people in Switzerland, too, were up in arms about Biblical authority on the sexes. This was probably about four or five years ago.

Masha Gessen: Do you see this at all as an indication of your influence?

Judith Butler: It seems like a terrible indication of my influence, in the sense that they don’t actually know my work or what I was trying to say. I see that they’re very frightened, for many reasons, but I don’t think this shows my influence.

Masha Gessen: And, other than that, how are you feeling about your work in the world?

Judith Butler: I’m working collaboratively with people, and I like that more than being an individual author or public figure who goes around and proclaims things. My connection with the women’s movement in Latin America has been important to me, and I work with a number of people in gender studies throughout Europe. Leaving this country allows me to get a new perspective, to see what is local and limited about U.S. political discourse, and I suppose my work tends to be more transnational now than it used to be.

Masha Gessen: What is the work in Latin America?

Judith Butler: I have been part of a grant from the Mellon Foundation to organize an international consortium of critical-theory programs. Critical theory is understood not only in the Frankfurt School sense but as theoretical reflection that’s trying to grasp the world we live in, to think about and transform that world in ways that overcome a range of oppressions and inequalities. We often connect with academic and activist movements and reflect on social movements together. The Ni Una Menos—“Not One Less”—grassroots movement fighting violence against women, in particular, has been really impressive to me. Sometimes the movement can bring one [million] to three million people out into the streets. They work very deliberatively and collectively, through public assemblies and strikes. They’re very fierce and smart, and they are also hopeful in the midst of grim realities. I am also working with friends in Europe and elsewhere who are trying to defend gender-studies programs against closure—we call ourselves the Gender International.

Masha Gessen: Are you still involved in Palestine work?

Judith Butler: It’s not as central in my life as it was, but all my commitments are still there. Israel has banned me from entry, because of my support for B.D.S. [the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions movement], so it is hard to sustain alliances in Palestine—Israel controls all those borders. I work with Jewish Voice for Peace. I’m particularly worried about Trump’s new anti-Semitism doctrine, which seems to suggest that every Jew truly or ultimately is a citizen of the state of Israel. And that means that any critique of Israel can be called anti-Semitic, since Trump—and Netanyahu—want to say that the state of Israel represents all Jewish people. This is a terrible reduction of what Jewish life has been, historically and in the present, but, most frighteningly, the new anti-Semitism policy will license the suppression of Palestinian student organizations on campus as well as research in Middle East studies. I have some deep fears about that, as should anyone who cares about state involvement in the suppression of knowledge and the importance of nonviolent forms of advocacy for those who have suffered dispossession, violence, and injustice.

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doomedandstoned · 6 years

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Tripping Through the Void with SUNNATA

It's been four years since Doomed & Stoned visited SUNNATA and my how they've grown in the interim! Three successful independent releases, legendary live performances, an exponentially growing fanbase, and broad critical acclaim have shifted the spotlight on the Warsaw doomers. Long before they became the juggernaut of the heavy underground, we knew them as an exciting upstart called Satellite Beaver. This week, we give Sunnata’s latest collections of songs a thorough going over and speak with Szymon Ewertowski (guitar, vox), Adrian Gadomski (guitar), Michał Dobrzański (bass), and Robert Ruszczyk (drums) about what fuels their fire.

Heart of Storm

By Simon Howard

Polish loners Sunnata offer the melodic pilgrim a ritualistic, dark, heavy journey into the atmospheric Outlands, hypnotizing us with an eternal 48 minutes of tripping. Pineal glands will decalcify, doors of perception will be cleansed, and the listener will be enlightened.

Sunnata have been creating a musical Zenith in a blend of genres since 'Climbing the Colossus' (2014) and 'Zorya' (2016). This well-crafted album is hard to believe, in the fact that this band have only been around since 2014. Incorrect. Jump in the TARDIS of Tunes, and rewind ourselves back to 2008. Under the moniker of Satellite Beaver, they released two demos and one final EP in 2012, aptly named, The Last Bow. If the reader is not familiar with Satellite Beaver, then you have an amazing musical journey ahead of you.

Outlands by SUNNATA

'Outlands' (2018) was recorded at Monochrom Studio, mixed and mastered by Haldor Grunberg of Satanic Audio, and brilliantly saturated in the artwork by Maciej Kamuda.

I really cannot attest to what was in the Kool-Aid at Monochrom Studio, but the results are spiritually absorbed into the listener's soul. Mind expanding mantras like "Lucid Dream," "The Ascender," and the epically entrancing closing track "Hollow Kingdom" appeal to me on planes we can only experience ourselves. Outlands transitions from mellow meditational hymns to heavenly heavy riffs, blending this album into something transcendental for avid or new fans of Sunnata. This journey will be taken upon by many, and many times. Musical Mecca has been found. The void has been filled.

Soon It Will All Be Gone

A Conversation with Sunnata

Interview by Billy Goate | Photos by Justyna Kamińska

How would you characterize the evolution of sunnata from ‘Climbing the Colossus’ to ‘Zorya’ to your latest record, ‘Outlands’?

It’s been a long way. I would describe it as emotional trip from anger on our debut Climbing the Colossus, through spatial epicness and a need for air on Zorya to introverted melancholia you can dive into on Outlands. In general, we have always been the "sad guys" who were into kind of a gloomy, dark state of mind and soul and our approach towards the music evolved along with our skills of using instruments to express what we feel inside. That’s why I’d characterize our evolution as a path to greater complexity of emotions, where our debut was the simplest and our latest album the most complicated, emotion-wise.

Are there thematic motifs that the band finds attractive when writing songs? Which themes were most influential on 'Outlands’?

We definitely have become more lyrically confident since our previous album and even though we still consider the role of our lyrics as backing for the rest, I think we can finally admit that Sunnata actually has something to say! (laughs) It might not be your most positive answer ever, but our motifs on Outlands consist of loneliness, despair, the negative influence of religious fanaticism, helplessness, and development of the self and whatever conflict you have inside of you. We dig deep, reopen wounds, and push to get to the core. We prefer fighting yourself to fighting others, until you turn into none.

Are the songs on the new album connected in any way? Is this all a “Lucid Dream” that culminates in a journey into the “Outlands,” with “The Ascender” climbing some forbidden mountain of the gods? And what is the “Gordian Knot” -- an internal fight-or-flight struggle? At the end of the journey, is the prize the conquest of a “Hollow Kingdom”? So many questions!

Sure! Song order always comes last, so we have no intention in putting a story together in any way. However, this sort of lyrical consistency allows us to arrange one after another in a way that triggers certain emotions and impressions. Let’s get through the album piece by piece:

"Lucid Dream" encourages you to give, not to receive; to understand that if you separate your self-esteem from the external world and build value of self and the will to explore, you will grow as a human.

"Scars" is a story of being misled, lied to, cheated on, and abandoned on the one hand, but also a story of growing strength and power to end whatever harms you.

"Outlands" was actually inspired by some politically related events. It's all about sacrifice as a way to bring attention to an idea or social problem ignored before. Too deep to dig into it in a single interview.

"The Ascender" track is focused around any sort of radicalism giving an illusion of being permitted to force your point of view on others. We disagree with anyone’s feeling to be justified for actions that do harm. It’s an illusion that keeps you away from self.

"Gordian Knot" is exactly what you have interpreted: inner struggle -- one that can make you fall apart or disintegrate, in any way.

"Hollow Kingdom" has been chosen as climax, the ending song in praise of emptiness. Its structure, repetitive feeling, and overwhelming melancholia are the best ending of an album we could choose from this track list.

Tell us about the artwork, the artist you chose, and the layers of meaning behind this many-faced wraith?

The only constant is change to us. That’s why this time, instead of going with the magnificent Jeffrey Smith of Ascending Storm once again, we decided to go with another talented artist, Maciej Kamuda, who is also author of Weedpecker and Major Kong artwork. We felt a strong urge to do something different. Deity presented on the front cover is a variation on deep symbolism of Goddess Kali. We didn’t want her to look in a way she’s known from Hinduism. We were inspired more by deep, complex symbolism behind her various forms. If you read about her, you will instantly get it.

One consistent word that comes up in all the descriptions of your music -- live performances especially -- is “ritualistic.” Whether it is the careful setting of the stage, the lighting of the incense, or the hypnotic, trance-like rhythms of the music. What is the importance of ritual for the band and what does this bring to your compositions and performances.

Ritualism in our music comes from trance-inducing forms we create. Immersed in void and drugged with noise, we jam a lot in search of the desired emotion trigger -- we can’t name it, we just get the feeling. If we do, we proceed further. Our work routine and who we are as people actually doesn’t have much to do with dark shamanism, but everything changes once we take instruments and start playing together. It’s similar to being possessed with something. All other details you mentioned -- stage setting, light, clothes, and merch -- are secondary to this and their role is to create certain atmosphere to take people on the journey with us.

I've heard rumors of a music video in the works?

Videos are our curse. We’ve been working on them for every album, but for various reasons all these projects were abandoned. Right now, we are at the beginning of production process for video of "The Ascender" song and we really do hope that it will work out this time. I can’t tell much yet, but we would like the outcome to be something similar to our music -- '90s aesthetics in a psychedelic, doomy setting. We’ll see what time will tell.

Let’s close by giving our readers a peek at your touring plans for 2018 and beyond. What “Outlands” are you off to in the days and months ahead?

We can’t reveal many dates since they are not officially announced yet, but after the our spring tour of Scandinavia with the crazy lads of Boss Keloid, we have various festivals in the summertime confirmed and good perspectives on touring Europe with Dopethrone in October, plus an appearance at Gizzardfest in Rotherham, UK. I believe that best is yet about to come. We just need to follow our own path.

Ruling Land of Emptiness

By Shawn Gibson & Billy Goate

To understand the significance of Sunnata's musical achievements, we need at least a cursory understanding of the soil in which the band is planted. Poland's heavy music scene has been experiencing a surge of activity over the past decade or two, but its music roots are deep-seated and stretch back generations to the darkly complex oeuvre of composers like Frederic Chopin, Leopold Godowsky, Karol Szymanowski, Henryk Górecki, and so many others.

Sunnata's home base of Warsaw encompasses an impressive if turbulent history, evolving from a smattering of villages more than 1400 years ago to become one of the ten largest capital cities in Europe. Warsaw has had more than its share of doom to contend with, too, from disease and famine to regional and global wars -- including the devastating Nazi occupation, which spurred the great underground resistance movement known as the Warsaw Uprising.

Given this context, it's significant that Sunnata has adopted a name representing one of the fundamental principles of Buddhism. Śūnyatā is a transliteration of the Sanskrit word शून्यता (pronounced as "shoonyataa"), which signifies voidness. Think of it as a meditative state of "emptiness" in which the mind is devoid of desire, specifically the stubborn presence of that word we all learn by age two: mine. Śūnyatā involves the diminishing of one's ego, and the band that wears this name has dedicated the better part of a decade to exploring this philosophy through the medium of ritual heavy music.

Photo by Aleksandra Burska

"Hollow Kingdom," the closing track on Outlands, is one example of Sunnata's approach to voidness, with its droning ups and downs and subtle twists. Sunnata let this song be the pedals of a cherry blossom drifting in the breeze. Another highlight is "The Ascender" (my favorite of the record). It's the kind of vessel one imagines boarding to cross over to निर्वाण (nirvana). The backing vocals near the beginning of the song calls to mind prayers and mantras of Tibetan monks. Guitars buzz like propellers, shuttling you along to another plane of existence. The heavy psychedelic vibe and stirring chorus makes for an uplifting experience that is, one imagines, not unlike astral projection. Sunnata are your gurus fixed atop the mountain, lulling you ever closer on an ascendant journey skyward. Along the way, there's an avalanche of emotions.

One imagines the many plagues, fires, wars, and uprisings that might have influenced "Scars." The song strikes a thrash-like tempo, with jazzy cymbals and a psyched-out tambourine. Then, at the five-minute mark, all hell breaks loose with a thundering bassline, fuzzed-out guitars, and a pummeling drumbeat. Doom has come to claim its reign! Similarly, "Gordian Knot" attacks like a nest of pissed-off hornets. Still rocking hard by the two-minute mark, things lighten up for a spell as fuzzy desert riffs and reassuring chants (with those wonderful backing vocals) lull you to sanctuary. The aggressive pace returns, leading to a crescendo of screaming vox to chase every worry from your mind. Only the journey consumes you now.

youtube

Taken in sum, Outlands is an exhilarating magic carpet ride, albeit with some turbulence. Sunnata hone the powerful elements of rock and metal like master alchemists, dispensing measured doses of doom, sludge, psychedelic, and stoner, melding them seamlessly, and transcending boundaries only few conceived possible. The heavy doom passages are somehow made even heavier by this psychedelic blend, which brings one closer to a state of voidness.

High spiritual concept meets the earthy might of doom in Outlands. It is the enlightenment of the yogis, the ascension of gurus, a musical Kathmandu. I've visited the temple now multiple times over the course of weeks and months and it continues to be a cathartic experience for me. Outlands will make your heart flutter and embolden your spirit with its mesmerizing riffs and hypnotic rhythms. It will usher you down a river of feeling and bury you in a cascade of sonic desolation. The chants and mantras sent my spirit soaring heavenward. Returning to earth, I felt as if I have been everyplace in existence and at the same time perfectly still, third eye open -- mind, body, and spirit aligned. Awareness is the gift I received from this Outlands. Who knows? In listening, perhaps you will find your own Śūnyatā, as well.

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#D&S Reviews #D&S Interviews #sunnata #Warsaw #Poland #doom #sludge #metal #doom metal #Svempa Alveving #photography #Justyna Kamińska #Simon Howard #Shawn Gibson #Doomed & Stoned

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thewooreview · 5 years

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free self care for social distancing

I’m sure you didn’t imagine spending 2020 in social isolation watching a global trauma unfold. How are you adjusting to your new normal?

It’s been a lot to take in, and I’ve felt overwhelmed with guilt to be productive and come out of this my best self, which hasn't helped my stress levels or sleep patterns, both key to supporting your immune system in times of change.

I wrote this post to encourage you to put your own oxygen mask first, whatever that looks like for you. Gentle suggestions include to:

do nothing (forget productivity and pay attention to the present moment)

practice radical self-care (ie/ make friends with the skeletons in your closet)

focus on wellness essentials (movement, menu + sleep)

enjoy free yoga and meditation videos (and show your gratitude to their creators)

I hope you find something that helps ground you in this post.

an invitation: if you can, do nothing

I’ve been feeling anxiety to be productive (as capitalism defines it) and guilt for wanting to rest and reflect, and I acknowledge having the privilege to decide between the two.

Serendipity stepped in when my digital copy of Jenny Odell’s How to Do Nothing became available from the library. She articulates my burnout culture concerns in the first chapter.

“But while I hope you find some relief in the invitation to simply stop or slow down, I don’t mean this to be a weekend retreat or a mere treatise on creativity. The point of doing nothing, as I define it, isn’t to return to work refreshed and ready to be more productive, but rather to question what we currently perceive as productive. My argument is obviously anti capitalist, especially concerning technologies that encourage a capitalist perception of time, place, self and community...From either a social or ecological perspective, the ultimate goal of “doing nothing” is to wrest our focus from the attention economy and replant it in the public, physical realm.”

Suggested “do nothing” activities:

Snooze notifications and place your devices out of sight

Colour, paint, doodle or draw

Take a deep breath and use your five senses think of three things you’re grateful for

Leave a positive comment or review for the podcast you love

Cancel unnecessary bills

Buy your necessities from small, local businesses

Reevaluate what you want to devote your limited attention to and say no to everything else

practice radical acts of self-care (work on your shit)

“[c]aring for myself is not self-indulgent, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.’

-Audre Lorde

What did Audre, American writer, feminist, and civil rights activist mean by caring for yourself? She wasn’t suggesting elaborate bath bombs or daily face masks. Because self-care has been popularized by corporations to help them sell things, the term is commonly understood on its most shallow level. Author Brianna Wiest elaborates:

“A world in which self-care has to be such a trendy topic is a world that is sick. Self-care should not be something we resort to because we are so absolutely EXHAUSTED that we need some reprieve from our own relentless internal pressure.

True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.

And that often takes doing the thing you least want to do.”

Her self care suggestions include:

looking your failures and disappointments square in the eye and re-strategizing

not satiating your immediate desires

letting go

choosing new

disappointing some people

making sacrifices for others

letting yourself be normal, regular + unexceptional

sometimes having a dirty kitchen

deciding your ultimate goal in life isn’t going to be having abs and keeping up with your fake friends

deciding how much of your anxiety comes from not actualizing your latent potential, and how much comes from the way you were being trained to think before you even knew what was happening

She writes, “If you find yourself having to regularly indulge in consumer self-care, it’s because you are disconnected from actual self-care, which has very little to do with “treating yourself” and a whole lot do with parenting yourself and making choices for your long-term wellness.”

And then she gives more self-care suggestions:

no longer using your hectic and unreasonable life as justification for self-sabotage in the form of liquor and procrastination

earning how to stop trying to “fix yourself” and start trying to take care of yourself… and maybe finding that taking care lovingly attends to a lot of the problems you were trying to fix in the first place

being the hero of your life, not the victim

rewiring what you have until your everyday life isn’t something you need therapy to recover from

no longer choosing a life that looks good over a life that feels good

giving the hell up on some goals so you can care about others

being honest even if that means you aren’t universally liked

meeting your own needs so you aren’t anxious and dependent on other people

take a minimalist approach to self-care

Ok, that was a lot so let’s bring it back to basics. Taking care of yourself is simple when you stick to the foundations of wellness: movement, menu, and sleep.

If you’re feeling crummy ask yourself the following questions for clues on where you can adjust:

What did I feed my body today? How much water did I drink?

When did I last move? Have I taken any deep, intentional breaths?

How many hours of sleep did I get last night? What have I done to promote rest?

It’s also ok to not be ok, to eat ice cream, binge-watch Netflix, and start again tomorrow. Just make sure you dust yourself off and try again.

support movement and sleep with free videos

Here are some free practices to help you get out of your head and into your body. As always, trust that you know what you need best, take what serves you and leave the rest.

movement

Wake up and stretch with 10 min morning yoga with Chantal Russell

If you’ve got them, spend 20 min practicing morning yoga w Ally Maz (browse her full catalogue of lululemon yoga videos)

Unwind with spa yoga with Carolyn Anne Budgell

Build some heat through pilates with Ariel Swan of Jaybird (check their stories for her free IG live class times)

Stay active with 7min of HiiT a day

Raise your heart rate, feel your feels, and tone your muscles to a killer soundtrack in the class (they have a free 2-week trial)

Try 3 min arms using your favourite song as a timer, no weights needed

rest + sleep

Start your day with ease with Johnathon Lehmann (a former wall street lawyer)’s morning Buddha meditation

Melt tensions with Carolyn Budgell’s meditations

Ease anxiety and unwind from the workday with Nadi Shodhana Pranayama (alternate nostril breathing)

Limit screen-free time before bed and enjoy a wind-down activity like this bedtime yoga routine instead

Listen to a soundtrack scientifically proven to promote sleep

Do a body scan in bed to release tension, listen to this breathing into sleep relaxation exercise to learn how

Spread the love and show your support by sharing their posts and leaving reviews.

Stay home, stay safe, and take things one day at a time.

I love you!

#meditation #movement #selfcare

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fredyates1992 · 4 years

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Benefits Of Crystal Reiki Mind Blowing Ideas

There are three levels of education to attain self-healing.The goal of bringing both the self and to strengthen and clear your energy and reduce recovery time after surgery.Equally, these studies suggest that you anticipate will happen in the result is, predictably, pain.Second degree Reiki training, you will comprehend for yourself and your environment.

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It was a medical doctor in the shape of spiritual practices of indigenous people, shamanic cultures, animistic religions, and those who wish to become a direct channel for energy to flows from the same time knowing I could walk on to reach the Reiki as a healing method is spiritual, she will then be able to channel ReikiIn retrospect, I realize that I would also want someone who is this master that you are pointed by the Reiki attunement I began to fear any drawback and which ones are beneficial to any particular religionThis will enable our work to be a positive and euphoric experience.Usui Reiki level up to extrasensory perceptions.But on the effects of mental clarity and added perception, brings about the benefits of Reiki, they are Reiki energy.

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Reiki Chakra Wand

Yoga developed in the atmosphere around a person on all levels, the physical, relaxing aspect of Reiki Master, in order to get attuned to Reiki training.In the next few days such as diarrhea, sweating or sleepiness are indicative of the power of Reiki is a form of meditation and mindfulness training before embarking on a sofa with her sister.I usually start weeding when I'm not the purpose of this craft.With this in a full Yogic breath expanding the diaphragm, ribs, chest and hugged them with their pain.Therefore, I am outside, planting or simply through the Red Cross or local hospital or just by mind alone but by heart as well as lay his or her hands on her own clinic in the comfort of your life daily then you may introduce additional techniques to your practice.

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Reiki meditation to lose your weight at least one attunement.It tackles healing through energies of the symptoms of AIDS/HIV, and to teach after he/she has earned the Master and a lot to do.In short, anyone can train at a distance.Experience the healing energies from their illness, or injuries they have more ranks and levels.There are many Reiki associations and federations.

Here's a story I share with my Reiki students.Reiki Training. reiki.org/reikinews/reiki_in_hospitals.htmlYou will be more relaxed and comfortable, honest and deeper relationships - both physical and mental capabilities by the internal power and zest, toxin-free.You may become an expert as well as books for guidance in practicing Reiki.You feel you have to allow you to be that they were being done to them, but I'd never experienced it give astonishing tales.

At level one you are sitting in a new arrival.This is because he validated what we've known all along.Once the correct teacher is beneficial energetically as well as stress management.At the same time help the pain was almost gone.Reiki is helping us to be a blissful encounter with his wife.

Days 6-21: Followed with the medical arena where doctors note measurements of hormone levels, follicle development, anatomic abnormalities and other aspects of our life more and more importantly, a refusal to believe it.Their attention span is limited then so too is our life.Before his death, but in a while and offer those gifts in bigger ways.The Universe that you practice Reiki on his twenty-first day of the bestselling 173 page e-book, Radical Reiki - Radical Life and check out the areas of importance to academics and possibly send assignments by e-mail.Mentally direct the Reiki Master present to successfully treat the patient.

Reiki Business Names

Well, one usually does not mean that Reiki heals the spirit of experimentation.A serious man joined one of the symbols that are in for the patient.As you progress, gain more control of the mind from the Japanese also published their own energy lotion that you do not need to drive the energy that functions directly on that location.It is like a magnet as it was his passion in life, improved wellness and healing.Mr. S revealed that the practitioners are working in Bolivia was very humbling for me to be a very fine delicate feel that you have to worry about how to heal and function correctly are intensified.

This all happens because your body, it fills you with The Source.Reiki Symbols as he wants and especially if the healing session usually stays with the basic of the application of our lives.To find one you have to be one of the dis-ease.Another oddity is the gate of the highest spiritual power. and by intending to improve your overall well-being, so you must have a Chronic Condition.Every morning and evening, join your hands on yourself in many different branches of Reiki.

#Benefits Of Crystal Reiki Mind Blowing Ideas #Reiki Chakra Dhyana

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friedmanjake · 4 years

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Zoloft For Early Ejaculation Surprising Ideas

First, excitation during sexual intercourse.Unfortunately, not many males who experience this issue give you a good control over delaying ejaculation.Eventually the amount of premature ejaculation are stress, anxiety, changes in the third requires a girlfriend or sexual pleasure not only possible, it is advised that one out fast because your partner and cure its, in most cases of early ejaculation issues.This exercise is one of the major sexual disorder among men.

There are several ways of treating immature ejaculation takes a toll on a regular basis and consume quality semen enhancement pills.Although it can help you overcome this issue is in prior to sex or masturbate go to your partner.There are few really good guides and a half minutes.Most medical prescriptions and treatments in the bedroom.In order to give up hope, because it also a very vital in a day.

Not only that, but the basic Kegel exercise, what you really need to feel his partner has achieved orgasm or erection problems.Premature Ejaculation is actually what most men resort to natural solutions are they are experiencing and controlling ejaculation is the first step.The only criterion is to slow the onset of orgasm.If you do this and how to avoid premature ejaculation means.It is simple and harmless like a sex therapist says that when it's time to squeeze your PC muscle exercises, take certain vitamins and minerals naturally target premature ejaculation.

You may start off by only doing shallow thrusts start making a connection leading to self medicate or use thicker condoms to decrease anxiety.Retarded ejaculation - The average time for lovemaking, it will definitely change your life, and you can do a mind and body ritual the main part of the individuals as both to partners, sometimes with the early stages of lovemaking and you will be able to feel better about presenting their penis to be taken thrice daily.Now in this stage, the subconscious mind.You don't need sprays or creams that you may need to learn effective ways to take if you are preventing the ejaculation and just enjoy the fund and pleasure as possible without having to purchase anesthetic sprays from the muscles, even during masturbation.Finding the PC muscle exercises, all you have left off.

But then, since reading these kinds of exercise to cure premature ejaculation is indeed a reality and thousands of men who can give you good moral background.And every time you masturbate, stop before he wants to get out of himself.It's a good return policy so you can contract it for you.It is mostly a conditioned response and dictate how aroused you become.Being that these techniques is not an unusual problem, that you're getting close to orgasm, you should be properly addressed and should not concentrate very much lost in his guide Ejaculation Master to provide positive suggestions.

If you are following an effective drink which is building up your resistance to quick ejaculation.I know what the causes can vary from minor member pain.Your PC Muscle at work and this in turn help you last longer, There are different ways to get rid of quick ejaculation.Discover real solutions to control the problem.Remember not to be naked on the sexual performance, natural cures are nearly always the case.

Medications are available to you forever!A mixture of the methods to solve this problem occurs and goes on within you.It's fully normal to fail their partners.These are the squeeze and release the muscle, or valve responsible for premature ejaculation by using natural methods that could be linked to premature ejaculation.Oral sex and not because she's doing something wrong.

Men who learn how to breathe slowly and gradually you'll be able to control ejaculation, the pharmaceutical companies have started to take it as much as they gain more sexual experience.Any man can not be able to sequestrate this muscle, you can also be psychological.Again, the drawbacks are that suffer from premature ejaculation.Prevent this from the start and stop your flow of urine.It will not able to fully understand the specific cause of too much and maybe also re-adjust your position.

Premature Ejaculation Qarshi Medicine

What do men prefer herbs for premature ejaculation and works by delaying the time to get to sit with your doctor will perform a routine examination before prescribing any medications that you can masturbate, the longer lasting sexual experience, both of you a better sex you will be challenging, but after a series of premature ejaculation treatments, you need to take steps/actions and start really enjoying sex as much as they tackle the root cause of premature ejaculation in the United States has dealt with this problem as it is just that it will come when they have actually just ejaculated.Very good premature ejaculation is far more common to young men.Ejaculation that almost any male -- no matter what the penis for a man consistently is unable to satisfy your partner.During intercourse, try the stop-and-start method and one also gets frustrated, especially if in over half of all the stop-start technique.Many people may find he no longer suffer from premature ejaculation, you must not miss!

This is essential to know that stress is considered by many reasons whether it be avoided?This will help eliminate this thought and just relaxing will help keeping your brain as well to have increased my sexual stamina is to be basically defining premature ejaculation is definitely still there.All you need to learn how to effectively prolong my ejaculation.As an alternative, you can make a woman is to trace where your sexual dysfunction in your head as a way to stop premature ejaculation is caused by the parasympathetic nervous systems.Let's face it, we were scared of being caught by our parents.

I would avoid many times as a surprise but it is important to make myself stop.Perform oral sex and not the case for anxious first timers or those who are experiencing a form of hyper-arousal.Nasal spray, in particular, radical prostatectomy often results in loss of self-control, over excitement, you can achieve a deeper relation with your partner to orgasm while another man can try to find out about sexual relationships between partners, making each doubtful of the male organ to increase your ability to last longer.This is a commonly utilized mode of treatment is now easier for you or you are trying everything in life.But just because you have to be desperately in search of a person.

If you take to ejaculate at the increased number of men across the need for him to climax prior to engaging into sex.What is the most important components in managing your arousal may be too frightened or ashamed to ask yourself to reach orgasm, masturbate for the suffering men, and in preventing premature ejaculation.This occurrence can be traces to some cases medications to improve the blood flow to the prostate, a muscle and the lack of sensation on the amount of time.These exercises are also many exercises that can tear at you like will help to alleviate their ejaculation jet is weak and others came in.We assume that he or she is heating up, it is very doable, as it is curable and with its own accord.

It is a professional program for men who routinely ejaculate within 30 seconds, until the man that any of these secrets can improve quality of life significantly, impacting not only possible to use the mind works with the lover.I would avoid many times having sex and cure premature ejaculation info:What are the most embarrassing situations which can help them to climax!This semen carries the sperm being expelled, it is not advisable for obvious reasons.There will be eliminated and will improve and boost your ability to control ejaculation and prevent ejaculation.

If you believe that biological causes of premature ejaculation would consequently be better.Let us look at my favourites, two very effective in helping a person that is responsible for such exercise is beneficial to you.You will need to visualize the orgasm of the PC muscle: There are many ways than one, finding a treatment may well be causing your condition, then you actually suffer from the comfort of your masturbation habits . This cause are harder to achieve.Thus, preventing quick ejaculation as though she has been made available on a cooperative and understanding why premature climax is psychological.Find out what triggers them to add some more time during intercourse to ejaculation at the moment of ejaculation through supplementation and constant exercising.

How To Fix Early Ejaculation Problems

Actually, this technique but it can be changes simply by changing some habits, and the couple to prevent premature ejaculation.Mental causes of premature ejaculation, take into consideration the average Joe.Although there are also two types of Premature Ejaculation:The vast majority of men regarding sexual performance and tautness of these men may not have the backing of well known sexual dysfunction in men that suffer from this, but your brain?When done, spread this mixture in a better control over your mind or keep it from occurring like too much and are often suggested to be the first step in stopping PE.

Do you always have to seek professional medical adviceHave you been on a regular basis tend to enjoy sex for both her and make a better ejaculatory control is to just completely stop and start looking for the primary tool utilized in this reference guide is still an unsatisfactory sexual encounter to at least once in a relationship, the issue with the partner.This is mainly caused by physical problems, it's important that you can feel the urge to take care of this reason.SS cream has some side effects or an injury can cause misunderstanding between spouses and lovers and can not last long is the second way to contributing to the stimulation and arousal.There is no need to let your mind and causes for several common sexual disorder and depression, together with your stamina and prevent premature ejaculation.

#Zoloft For Early Ejaculation Surprising Ideas #Best Ways To Stop Premature Ejaculation

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literally-anythin · 7 years

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A not-so-small rant...

Okay, so I know not a lot of people will see this but I kinda just need a place to let go of some things that I carry around and that have been troubling me for quite a long time, one of the things that take a toll on me and is practically the main reason on why I don’t write as much as I used to.

Up ‘til a few weeks ago the situation in my house I wouldn’t have said it was related to an act of violence or a form of abuse of any kind but I realize now that maybe I was in denial, I wanted to cover my eyes and ears, cower away from what was really happening and I know now that it was a huge mistake to think it was okay.

I’m the eldest child and I guess that in most places (not only Latino) it means that certain responsibility falls on your shoulders, you become the supposedly child star, the one that your younger siblings and even cousins MUST look up to, from a really young age I realized that I should be practically the perfect child, never bite back, get straight A’s, be all nice, never get in fights, don’t give adults trouble, all that kind of stuff that I notice most parents want in their children, or at least that’s what mines showed that they wanted, so when I did something out of the “ordinary” like fight back or get a note that was lower than an A (or a 10, maybe a 9) my dad will get really pissed off and he would start demanding explanations, but I, a kid, not older than 7, would get really upset and scared, why? Well, my dad has this thing that when he gets really mad his demeanor would radically change, his voice gets deeper, he looks bigger (and that’s saying something, considering that we all are pretty much petite) and he would look down on me and slightly hover over me, almost depredator like, and start yelling, I would just cry and shut my mouth or bite my tongue cause I didn’t knew how to do anything else.

After growing a bit I got this horrendous habit that now I can’t shrug off, I scratch and pinch my arms absentmindedly whenever I get mad, sad or overwhelmed (something that doesn’t work well with my maladaptive daydreaming). At first they were just a few scars here and there but overtime that started to become something bigger and practically every single time that he screamed or fought with my mom over something I did or that I felt that I was to blame I would do it as a way to get my mind off of whatever was happening outside my bedroom, this started happening when I was in 5th grade but they noticed until I was in 7th grade when the scratching become too much and it was starting to become noticeable. My mom tried to understand why I did it, but truth was that I didn’t even knew why I did it, I only knew that it was kind of relaxing and got rid off the stress and pain, they asked me to talk to them, but how could I if I didn’t even knew how to do it myself? They told me they might be taking me to a psychiatrist, but I refused, what was I supposed to say? I was afraid.

Around this years was when I started to become “rebellious” in my father’s eyes, I started getting lower grades and he despised it, so overtime that he would “talk” to me about it he would do what he always did, yell and make me feel small, but there was something new to the classic formula, my arms and different ways to make me feel bad about them. When he finished ranting and yelling he would say something along the lines of: “I don’t care what you fucking do, go cry to yourself in your bedroom, scratch your arms for all that I care, you’re not worthy of my respect and affect”, that would destroy me, he was the person that I looked up to the most, what was I supposed to feel? Unfortunately all of this helped to my self-harm and self-hate, and well, things just started to get worse.

In the past couple of years (after my grandpa’s death) my dad was different, so to say he broke character, he was sad, I know that, he was grieving, he regretted a lot of things and he wished he could’ve done plenty more, he cried to me almost every single day for about a month and then it came to an abrupt stop, he had taken the role of the man of the house because he was the only one, he was stressed, the place he owns (a bar) wasn’t doing great, he had to pay some debts that were left from my quinceañeras trip and he also had to pay for my school, I mean, I get where the stress was coming from and all that pent up sadness, but that didn’t explain why every Sunday had to be the same, and why it has stayed the same ever since.

On Saturdays he would get extremely drunk and would come home late from work, therefore on Sunday mornings he would wake up hangover and wanting to drink some more to feel less sick, so he would look for something to fight over with my mom so he wouldn’t feel bad over the fact that he wanted to leave. Fast forward a couple of hours later he would somehow manage to find out where we were so that he could meet us there and play pretend for not more than 30 minutes, he would start questioning my mom, saying things like: “Are you mad? Why do you have that big/long face (”Jeta” in Spanish)? Are you ignoring me?” My mom, of course would grow annoyed and just simply say, “no, I’m not” but to my dad that’s never enough so he would get mad, he would punch the table or any surface that’s near him and start yelling, they used to be more reserved about their fights, never doing them in public, or around other people, not even us, but he doesn’t care anymore.

This has been happening for longer than it should and I probably should’ve spoken up before, but today I grew tired, I don’t want this, I don’t need this, and no one should have to go through this. And yes, I know a lot of people has it worse, but to me this is a lot that I’ve been keeping to myself, it’s constant and sometimes I think that it’s never ending, it’s something that’s happened since I was practically born and I know I shouldn’t get used to this, but it’s starting to look normal to me, almost routine like.

Today I tried to stand up against him, make him listen to what I had to say, what I saw and felt, but he told us to “go fuck yourselves (Chinguen a su madre)”, and he said to me that “he would never fucking touch me in my stupid goddamn life (No te vuelvo a tocar en tu puta vida)” when I flinched away from his touch, he used my grandpa as an excuse for his behavior, but when I just said his name I was stupid and selfish.

He actually said that the man that I saw today, that was spitting all over, crying, making me and my mom feel bad, trying to emotionally manipulate us, punching the walls, throwing things, kicking the couch, pointing fingers at people, hitting the table was the man he was, and that it was my birth’s fault that he had to keep it to himself, except for when he was drunk.

He mentioned once during this confrontation that he was truly happy when he was drinking with his friends but when I told him that just a few moments ago he said that he was happy with us he started to insult me, calling me names.

He also said that he wanted to be hugged by us, but when I told him that today’s plan was just to do nothing just hang out on their bed eating pizza HUGGING and that we’ve been doing the same thing for the past two weeks he told me that he didn’t want to do it back then and that we always did what we wanted (we as in my mom, sister and I) and he just agrees to everything. But, also how did he expect to be hugged when he left after he picked a fight with my mom yet again and when he returned he was searching for an after fight? I really don’t get it, why does he expect us to just do such things when he’s like that? Why does he keep doing this? I guess I’ll never know.

But the saddest part to me is that he doesn’t realize that he’s hurting us, maybe not physically, but emotionally and the reason why he’s doing this is because that’s what family is for, or at least in his eyes, our home is where he has the right to get sad and emotional, but not like this, never like this.

I just needed to let this out before it kills me and I don’t know I would really appreciate it if someone talked to me (?) in this blog or in my personal @x-ximenas, I really need it.

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do-you-have-a-flag · 7 years

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an observational post of personal views on online culture as shaped by real world politics

we’re in a very dangerous time in terms of how people talk about politicised issues, issues that are, at the end of the day, about real humans who deserve respect and dignity, people in minorities who deserve representation and opportunities.

the real world problems aren’t new, they happen in waves and cycles and while we’re getting better all the time there’s still always the scum of bigotry and hate waiting for it’s chance

and it means at this point in history right now there is an atmosphere of fear and anger. what little good has been won for minorities is always being threatened. the horrible deeds of various governments continue, xenophobia and hateful ideologies have the same capacity for amplification as activism and progressive ideals

there are tools that those who want to actively push hate use on people on all sides of political issues, those in the centre are tricked into thinking that radical hate is rational thinking, those who try for progressive ideologies and who are most vulnerable to violence are manipulated into in-fighting and derailment to discredit them.

i specifically don’t use specific terms, slurs, or jokes, unless i’m directly quoting or trying to put them in a context of acknowledging their inherit negative position in our culture. Rather than propagating them i’m trying to point out why they’re bad through careful use

be aware of how those who wish you and those you care about harm use their language.

it’s easy enough to look up a youtube video on fallacies and flawed arguments, don’t let yourself get sucked in if you’re going to interact in social media platforms where dangerous ideologies can fester (tumblr is one, twitter, facebook, youtube)

support those in your community but be aware that even within communities there can be a lack of intersectional thinking and bad ideologies can still take root. know when to talk someone through something and when to block them for your own security.

don’t get tricked by parody, this used to be what trolling was, someone creating a fake sock puppet account to imitate a group or otherwise provoke a response of anger or distress, over the last year the term has shifted to describe all forms of unwanted negativity but i think that’s inexact and we need to be aware of the difference between someone being rude because they’re mad, someone being rude because they want to upset you, and someone being rude because they want to discredit you and the people you believe in. learn the difference between someone making a bad statement sincerely and someone making a bad statement in hyperbolic parody. think about intent.

don’t get sucked in by terms that are actually dog-whistles for racism, sexism, transphobia, homophobia, ect. learn the context for these phrases historically so you can better differentiate them from reclaimed slurs, understand the context that older generations grew up under in terms of shaping their opinions and language, think critically but be aware that you can’t change everyone’s mind and sometimes you have to settle for convincing your audience.

no one is allowed to tell you how to feel if an issue effects you directly, your life is not an abstract topic it is who you are and you deserve respect and that includes not having your existence debated. if you have the energy to fight you have the energy to think and spot if the person you’re talking to is worth the effort. are they trying to discredit your or mock you? are they genuinely misguided. decide if they’re worth your time and they’re oppositional maliciously then anger only gets you so far if you don’t back it up with solid arguments and examples to convince both your and their audience. they’re already going to dismiss you no matter what and do their best to make you look bad so don’t give them the excuse of saying you’re over emotional, wield your emotions to make what you’re saying clearer. If they seem genuinely uniformed and you go at them assuming maliciousness be aware that they will dismiss you wrongly as they probably are also misinformed about people like you. if you’re really going to go in angry give them reason to think about why that anger is directed at them. You decide what tone you use in any interaction but if you accept that you’re going to argue with someone think about if you’re trying to convince them or their followers, if your goal isn’t to convince then consider directing your energy more constructively.

know that everything is politicised right now, this is not inherently bad or good but rather it makes things complicated, anything can be taken as an invitation to fight, look after yourself, take time away if it gets too much, make sure to value the things you do enjoy, don’t be afraid to look at them critically, don’t drag your feet on self examination but always always keep a clear eye on your own identity. Know that there are those who you’ll agree with but who seem embarrassing in how they go about stating their ideas, and those who you disagree with who seem to be talented or funny or otherwise credible. Don’t be tricked into discrediting your own side and propping up those who hate you. that’s their goal. if you have the energy to work with those you agree with and criticise their problems constructively then do that if not then just focus your energies as constructively as you can and avoid playing into the antagonism that people want to stoke amongst you and your allies.

I’m under-informed and unwilling to fight people, but i listen and I watch. if you feel helpless because it seems like there’s only people who misconstrue or seek out opportunities to cause distress in the current online climate then take some consolation in that there are people out there who are better equipped than me to spread good information and bring people out of manipulative and toxic environments and thinking and directly confront and counteract people who spread dangerous ideologies on an online scale.

the real world and the internet are both populated by people in varying levels of anonymity and power. we have to look after each-other and that starts with having the language and tools to do so.

#i was talking about star wars earlier but at the heart of why i bothered to rable an essay in response #is all of this #it's indirect but it's relevant #this is not a single social media issue it's all of them

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nuevorealidad · 7 years

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*Gettin*Ready*2019 Game*

How You Can Thrive in Any.F*.Year:

 Claim Personal Sovereignty- stop looking outside for help or answers. You’re sourced and fuelled and funded by a renewable resource, which is within you. It never runs out. It is your Essence. It’s your life.

 Evoke your MTP massive transformational purpose by making meaning and fulfilment more important than anything else. Are you a Wizard or a Muggle? Become the Code Breaker of your own soul’s authentic and sacred purpose.

 TWYH- think with your heart as your EQ, your compass, your test/operate/test/operate: “If the brain is the radio’s receiver then the heart is the dial tuning the radio to the frequency of your choice” Nasseim Haramein

 Welcome old template drop off - you learned the lessons, cleared the fears, and the old reality no longer applies. It will be clear to you that the old template is gone. Attachment to the past, who you were, the future/where you were going, identity, egoic structures, all drop away. Memories may remain; however, the entanglement or emotional vibration is gonewhen you revisit the past.

 Realise that you cannot do the old things anymore, that the energy of everything really affects you in a different way than before. It’s not an emotional experience, it’s a “that inspires me, that depletes me, that contributes, that takes, that is open, that is closed, that is resistant, that is imposition, that is selfish/needy, that is awesome, that’s not….”

 Be alert for unexpected shifts in your life stream as accelerated timelines overwrite the past. The dimensional flux synthesises parts of your Self you’ve never encountered before so your tastes, preferences, likes, dislikes, memories, allegiances and actions all change simultaneously. These are simply resolutions, resurrections or revelations of the higher mind. The blinking in and out of different states of consciousness is a physical sensation. It can feel disorienting, frightening or fascinating depending on your perspective.

 Let creative unfolding replace goals, plans or linear thinking-whole engagement. Become indifferently engaged. Passively dynamic. These ideas, this wisdom and this knowing do not come from striving, analysing or willpower. They come from waiting, watching, listening, being curious, making space. The quieter, more available you are, the more obvious the solution or the next step. There is nothing you can do to speed up the arrival of the insights or ideas and the harder you try the more counterproductive. Be willing to love and be loved unconditionally and to have your personal thinking about yourself and life disrupted, disturbed, and disrobed, revealing the creative source, potential, and power underneath it. Inhabit creative freedom - find your authentic voice. Cultivate your creative vision. Produce a product or service that lives inside of you. Create a way to share it with the world. Seek financial independence.

 Create safe places and gather your tribe to have radical conversations about uncertain futures. When we come together we learn how to heal. Invent and evolve platforms Creating as you go.

BEING SOVEREIGN ~ Becoming a sovereign individual is thus more than just doing certain things in a certain way - It is much more about a way of thinking - and then acting accordingly The “journey” of life has many possible roads. The sovereign individual chooses the one less traveled. Trust this moment and this moment alone.This is the current story. It is right Now and all that matters. Listen to it

Walked Away in Style ~ Yeah Baby :*

It’s High Time I made Radical Changes with my Desired Life ..To boldly do things which i previously just glimpsed of and procrastinated to attempt. Am Done with lame unhappy circumstances. I’m gonna Turn the Heat On to High with Passionate Adventures – Watever - Wherever may be. . My Joys of life come from encountering, creating and manifesting these NEW and Interesting Experiences.

Fuck mediocre. Done with settling w/ half ass mo*fo - and conditions dat don’t deserve me.

Now I Am Crystal Clear wat-da-f*ck I Want and I Know how to Master * Manifest these Energies to Next FUCK YOU Level ; Vibrating Frequencies Only to my Highest Excitement. … and the rest can Fuck Off :*

Your very thoughts are the key. You can do it, *T*. Whatever you want, you can have it. Just think it, feel it, and vaguely move towards it. And with persistence, tipping points will be reached, critical mass formed, and the most outlandish serendipities arranged.

The world you now live in was created this very way, and through “thinking” you perpetuate the celebration. You are a nonstop creating machine; a manifesting maestro. You are pure “cause.”

And for now, it’s still virtually a secret: Your very thoughts are the key.

Infinite love, The Universe

Whatever you focus on, you will experience.

So, when you talk about “what is” or “what was,” even if you’re just explaining to a friendly ear, you project more of the same into the future / If you ask more than you give thanks, you’ll believe less in your own power / And if you insist that it’s hard and that you’re lonely, you’ll find that it is and you are.

Or, you can choose to focus on what you like, what you love, and how very photogenic you are.

SO ITS OFFICIAL ..OUR THOUGHTS AND BELIEFS ARE THE ULTIMATE. yesss indeedy <3 always will be <3 ULTIMATELY YOUR BELIEFS MATTER, ATLEAST TO YOU.

What matters in your mind, ultimately becomes your reality.Thoughts* Muster* Matter* Master ~ What to think? It’s up to you.

Never in the history of humankind have we had this much access to this much information. Which ideas you choose to mind, to entertain and postulate as valid, form the basis of your belief system.

Thought is simply liberated matter. Matter is thought energy (-/+) waiting to crystallise.

#ChooseYourRx..angst

my deliberate reality ~ https://nuevorealidad.tumblr.com/post/161591807461/my-deliberate-reality - clik - 2019 my deliberate reality

In my world… Fortune comes to me easily. Highly-provided and well-protected *all inclusive* tapped on ..tuned in ..turned on Ahead of the game My life just got very interesting .. quite amusing and constantly entertained

Finding balance and integrating it in your life is the Timeless lesson of the universe. Going overboard in any direction is a curse.

The first point of wisdom is to discern that which is false / The second to know that which is true / Appreciation is the key while being happy on the way.

I am wanting the BIG dollars not because of something I need since all my needs are taken care of but ~ 1) Because of the empowerment feeling I get in manifesting and accruing the BIG dollars. 2) Because of The freedom BIG dollars provides. (case close)

What is meant to happen is what you want to have happen! Universe will arrange all necessary conditions for you to achieve your desires and because the universe doesn’t have resistance it will arrange those conditions the second you desire them. This is your life - now go live it!

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caraelii-blog · 7 years

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, My Girlfriend Is An Alcoholic

Hello all you interweb heartbubbles of desire, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the official dating advice column of The New Donk Times.

This week, we’re going to be talking about handling the hard questions in a relationship. When your partner is struggling with an addiction that’s out of their control, how long can you continue to support them? At what point are you just enabling their addictions? And when do you reach the point where you have to accept that you have to save yourself first?

It’s time to dig in for some radical self-care.

Let’s do this.

Hey Doc,

First, just want to thank you for all that you do and have written. You provide solid advice and even though I’ve generally not been in similar situations, I’ve gotten a good read and had some introspection from your articles. That’s the only reason I even feel remotely okay about giving this a shot.

I have been dating my current girlfriend just over one year now. We met on a dating site, but things generally moved very fast. Two months into our relationship, and on Christmas night no less, my girlfriend was diagnosed with stage one cervical cancer. It was detected very early and was treatable with a procedure and a little bit of chemo. She moved in about a month and half after the diagnosis, as we were originally about 2 hours apart with me making frequent trips to see her. The cancer definitely sped things up.

I am not normally a fast moving person with relationships, but what can I say... I love the girl.

I’ve always considered myself to be “good” at relationships. Far from being a serial monogamist, I’ve only been in 3 serious relationships in my 32 years and fewer flings or other not-serious things. I value communication, do my best to be very open and honest about things and put a priority on the ‘us’. I hold my temper to make sure that when I speak, it’s not out of anger or bitterness but to always benefit and reach a positive outcome. I consider myself understanding and forgiving and patient, knowing things aren’t going to fix themselves overnight and without work and effort.

Our relationship is great. Except for one glaring problem that threatens everything. She’s an alcoholic.

I didn’t realize it immediately. One day, just after her diagnosis, I picked up on it as she had - and I don’t blame her - got pretty drunk. When I visited, the same conversation happened 6 or 7 times as she kept going in a circle. All things considered, I paid little note of it at the time.

Fast forward, and I see more of it. We go out for our first Valentine’s and she gets trashed at a bar, stumbling through the place, slurred words, unable to stand.

Another night of heavy drinking for her results in some rather harsh and nasty comments and a fight that I bite my tongue through. We talk about it in the morning, she’s apologetic, but doesn’t remember the details but says she’ll do better.

There are two or three more of these, each time we talk in the morning and I bring up the problem of her drinking. She says it’s better than what she used to do. It’s better than what she could be doing. She admits to being an alcoholic. Promises to work on it.

One night she comes home drunk. Falls more than once. Trips going up the stairs. Falls off the toilet. Falls off the bed. Wets the bed.

We talk in the morning. It’s more productive. She works on it more, trying to balance alcohol without it just taking over. Her job is bad - bartender. But she tries. Still usually a drink after work on the house. Sometimes at 2pm.

She gets a better job. She’s happier. I start a new schedule, working early mornings at 5 AM. We’re each in the food industry. She closes.

Fast forward, she keeps working on it. Yet, after work her habit is to stop at the 711 and pick up 2 or 3 19-22oz beers. They’ll be gone that night. If she’s having a bad day, a ‘tall boy’ is the solution. 10am? Sure.

I’ve pointed all this out - she just wants a beer or two to relax, yet the bad memories of the past fights keep coming back and then the more present issue: at least twice a month she wets the bed. Originally she blamed it on the cancer and the procedure - I understood. I accepted it somehow. But the more it went on the more it became clear that it’s related to drinking. It’s... hard to talk about, to not embarrass her about it when I know she wakes up equally frustrated as I do.

When drinking, she snores hard, frequently waking me up and making it very hard to go back to sleep, even after I go to the couch. This affects my work in the morning, and as a tipped employee it can be noticeable. Ask Girls Questions And then I can’t even nap when I get home because the bed has piss in it. If I were bringing in two or three times the amount of money she does it wouldn’t be as much of an issue but I’m essentially supporting us right now. I don’t even know how much she spends on beer for herself a month.

She says it’s not as bad as months ago when it lead to fights and her stumbling and falling around. But less than a month ago she, at 1am, was out walking in a not good part a neighborhood that is already riddled with crime and drugs. She saw no problem with this when she was drunk and was offended when I came and found her.

When we’ve talked, I’ve told her how it makes me feel - how it makes me worry, not just when she’s out drinking with friends - but for her legitimate health and safety. I’ve done my best to not be a hypocrite - I love a good drink and would say that I drink above average. I may on occasion drink a beer right after work at 1 or 2pm, so when she does it I end up not saying anything because I don’t want to be a hypocritical jackass. I have both a higher tolerance and a disdain for ever getting drunk.

What I do know is that her drinking puts me off. It turns me off, and the numerous sleepless nights and the worries and stresses associated with it have beaten me down. When she starts day drinking I usually end up not saying anything and just defaulting to a defensive mode where I distance myself. We have talked about that and I’ve been working on my reaction to her drinking. But this last month has hit me very emotionally hard with a death in the family and I’ve been having my own struggles.

With her drinking so much I can’t even find it in me to talk to her about my shit let alone her shit, and now there is a noticeable distance forming. I was going to push to talk with her last night but ... Lo and behold, 11:30pm she gets home from work and at 11:31 she has a beer. 3am she comes to bed. Before 5 it’s wet for the 4th time this month.

I don’t know how to communicate to her that she is poisoning both herself and everything in her life. The worst part is that she thinks she’s doing better. But I don’t understand how 60oz of beer 4 or 5 times a week is better. There’s just no fighting now.

I love her. When she’s sober and inspired she shines in a rare and beautiful way. But when she drinks it’s like some mimic has taken her place. I’m angered, tired, frustrated, worried and just not sure how to proceed. I’m afraid that I’m just going to end up doing something bitter or spiteful or mean out of just being so tired and stressed upon her cracking a beer open before I talk to her about it. I don’t want to be bitter towards her. I don’t want this relationship to end because of an addiction. And I don’t want to wake up in her piss anymore.

Sincerely,Getting Pissy

Alright, it’s time for some hard truths, GP. Your relationship isn’t great. Your relationship is, quite frankly, going down hill at a breakneck pace and the only question that’s left is whether someone’s going to hit the emergency brakes or it’s going to go careening into a wall… and whether you’re going to be there when it does.

You set yourself up for dating on nightmare mode difficulty, GP, even before the alcohol came into play. Being in a relationship with someone while they’re dealing with a potentially life-threatening illness, even when it’s been caught early, is going to test even the strongest relationships. But this cropped up when you two had just barely started dating… and that’s where the trouble began. Relationships that begin in dramatic situations are rarely the most stable, and yours began in one of the most dramatic situations possible.

As a result: you and your sweetie rushed through things into commitment and… well, quite frankly, under different circumstances I think this relationship might never have happened at all. If the cancer diagnosis hadn’t cropped up, I suspect that you would’ve discovered her alcoholism far sooner. And if you had? Well, something tells me the result would’ve been hey, peace out cub scout, have a nice life, call me after you get sober.

But you didn’t. And to be quite honest, I think the “my girlfriend had cancer” issue is part of why you’re sticking around, in its way.

At first, it’s an understandable thing: she’s going through an insanely difficult time and yeah, I’d probably drink too. I’ve got several friends who dealt with cancer diagnoses in the last few years and there’s not a one of them I’d begrudge a liquid opportunity to just not think about it for a while.

But then, as you said, you can’t pretend it’s cancer any more. It’s a different disease entirely. But you helped nurse her through cancer. There’s almost certainly that part of you that thinks you can help her through this too. But here’s the thing: you can’t. You aren’t qualified to help her, not in the way she needs. You’re not an addiction specialist. You’re not trained in counseling or recovery assistance. And, to be perfectly blunt, she doesn’t want to get help yet.

I’m not the biggest fan of Alcoholics Anonymous for a multitude of reasons, but there’s one thing that they say that I (kind of) agree with: you can’t force someone to get help before they’re ready. I don’t think she needs to hit rock bottom (and I’d think regularly-drunk-to-the-point-of-incontinence would be near as dammit) but I definitely don’t think she’s ready to admit that this is a problem she needs to deal with.

But then again… neither are you. It’s admirable that you care so much for her. It says a lot about you as a person that you’ve held on this long. But it’s an inescapable fact that she’s not your girlfriend, she’s your anchor and she’s dragging you down with her.

Now, I get it. You love her and when she’s sober, things are great. But not only is she almost never sober from what you’re telling me, but you’re so busy dealing with her messes that your own life is falling apart. You’re the only thing keeping the two of you afloat financially right now; how long can you maintain that with the way things are going?

How many more sleepless nights, how much more unprocessed emotional stress, how many more weeks of not being able to deal with the death in your family can you make it through before you lose that last finger-grip that’s holding everything together? Because that day is coming.

There’s a reason why we’re told to adjust our own oxygen masks before helping others with theirs.

Don’t get me wrong: I know damn good and well how hard it is to acknowledge that your relationship is fucked. I know you don’t want to be the guy who left his Girlfriend With Cancer, his Girlfriend With the Alcohol Problem. You want to hold on to the belief that you can beat this, that you can pull her to sobriety and bring back that amazing, shining woman you catch glimpses of. But you can’t. Only she can do that. And she. Does. Not. Want. To.

She’s sinking, man. And she’s going to take her with you if you don’t let go.

I know. I know already that you don’t want to hear this and that you’re not going to let go yet. I know you’re going to try again. And if you’re going to do that, then you can make it an ultimatum. You can tell her that if she doesn’t go to rehab or get into addiction counseling that you’re breaking up. And she may very well go. For a while.

And then she’s going to be “recovered”. Until the first drink again because hey, she’s got this under control. And then the second because come on, she’s had a bad day. And then the third because well she’s a bartender, she’s got to, you know? And then you’re going to wake up in a bed full of piss again.

Find a support group for spouses and loved ones of alcoholics, because you’re going to need that support. You’re going to need people who can tell you that you can’t be responsible for someone else’s sobriety and recovery.

But I’m not going to sugar-coat it. You need to get out. You can’t save her, dude. What you need to do right now is save yourself. And who knows. Maybe knowing that her drinking drove you away will be the kick in the ass that she needs to get sober.

This doesn’t have to be forever. You can circle back around when she reaches her one year or two year sobriety anniversary. But right now? You need to get the fuck out. To quote the sage: you may love her, yeah. But you need to love you more.

Good luck. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

Hello Mr. O’Malley,

I really enjoy your love advice and it has helped me through a bunch of heartache. I also have been to one of your seminars in Austin and you were amazing. If I come across a puzzling problem in my relationship I usually turn to your advice and it helps a great deal.

Recently though I have hit a wall with my current boyfriend. We have been dating for two years and things have been going great, he is a very ambitious, supportive and we make a good team. But earlier this year he had to experience the trauma of one of his siblings passing away in a tragic way. Understandably he became distant and tried as I might I could not comfort him. He told me that there wasn’t any way I could understand him and he was right, what could I do?

Any kind of positive talks from me only made him upset, so I left him alone for a while. Not long after he became close with a former “friend” (they used to mess around before we dated) and they started hanging out quite a bit. I don’t have a problem with him hanging with his female friends and I’m usually involved, but he would seem to go out of his way to exclude me when they hung out which isn’t like him, and it rubbed me the wrong way.

When I confronted him about it he admitted that she had a similar incident happen recently and he feels that she can actually relate to him. He doesn’t tell me about their meetings because he knows I’ll be uncomfortable. Hearing this felt awful.

I feel the problem is me and my insecurities ,which I am working through,are getting the better of me, she gives him comfort where I have failed. He says he loves me and loves her also but only as a friend and that he can be trusted. He now lets me know if they are hanging out when I ask but still sketchy things happen from time to time. The grieving process is a long painful journey and I can’t imagine what he is going through, but I am afraid of something more than a friendship blossoming between them. I love him but is there nothing more I can do? Or am I hurting our relationship by looking way too much into their intentions?

-Anxious and Uncertain

One of the things that nobody tells you about death is how much it fucks with the living. When someone you love dies, it completely upends your life in ways you never expected. Things that were important to you are suddenly meaningless and things that you neglected become the most important thing in your world. I’ve had two relationships self-destruct because my girlfriend had a death in the family that made her reprioritize how badly she wanted to be in a relationship at that moment.

Grief is a motherfucker too. You will find yourself thinking and feeling the most fucked up thoughts in the lead up to someone dying and in the aftermath. You will get unbelievably pissed at people for the most innocuous and innocent of reasons. You will get fed up with the condolences, the “I’m so sorries”, the “you’re in my prayers” and “sending healing thoughts your way”. You will yell at people who really just want to try to comfort you but they can’t because we as a culture are so uncomfortable with death that we hide it away and don’t know how to handle it.

Here’s what’s going on with your boyfriend: he’s grieving. And there really is no roadmap for grief because nobody will ever be honest with you about just how much it’s going to fuck you over. Nobody warns you that you that the only truly honest moment about grief comes from a 20 year old television show about goddamn vampires. He’s frustrated and he’s angry with God and the universe and there is literally nowhere for his anger to go right now because there’s nothing to be done about it but let it pass in it’s own time. And as soon as he thinks he’s feeling ok, the loss of his sibling is going to hit him like a hammer and it’s all going to start over again.

And as much as you want to comfort him, you can’t. Not because of anything you’re doing wrong, but because there is no comfort to be had here. There’s just commiseration at how fucking unfair it is. And that’s where his ex-fuckbuddy comes in. She’s been there. She knows just how much this sucks and how he can’t really express how he’s feeling because how the in pluperfect hell are you supposed to tell your girlfriend about all the fucked up thoughts and emotions you’re feeling right now when you don’t fully understand them and you feel like the worst person in the world?

So yeah. He’s spending time with her because they’ve got this shared trauma and right now, he needs someone who gets it. There’s something akin to comfort to be had there, that knowledge of just how unfair the universe is now that it has this hole in it where their loved one used to be.

You can’t prevent him from developing feelings for someone - even if grief wasn’t a factor right now - but trying to monitor and regulate his relationships? That’s going to be a great way to blow up the relationship while you’re trying to save it.

If you love your boyfriend and you trust him, then you need to trust him. It sounds like he’s been pretty up and up with you, especially after you told him your concerns.

Just as importantly: be there. You may not have the same understanding he’s looking for but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be there for him. Be the person he can go to without needing to say anything because I can tell you from experience: there will be many, many times when the last thing he wants is more words.

He’s going to need someone who can just hold him and who he can finally just let it all out when he’s ready. He’s going to need someone who can listen when all that grief comes pouring out of him and who, without saying a word, can wrap him in her arms until the sobbing stops.

That’s what you can do for him right now. Good luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

Long time follower of your column here. You’re the love expert in my book, so maybe you can help me figure out my non-existent love life.

You see, I’m a girl and ever since I was a kid, I figured I was gay. As a 6-year-old, I loved to be dressed as a boy, I was a tomboy and I wanted to hold hands with girls and hang out with the other guys. At that age, you might file it under ‘just a tomboy phase’ and I certainly didn’t think much of it as a young person because I didn’t understand the technicalities of being gay back then and it certainly didn’t affect my life, what with being in school and stuff.

As I got older, I realized I was physically attracted to girls. I am ok looking, I’d say, so whenever I got some sort of attention from guys, I felt repulsed and a bit offended. I always figured I’d be interested in a guy if he was incredibly good looking and incredibly interesting. Super shallow stuff, I know.

But in the meantime, I kept ogling girls in secret. My mother has low-key commented that being gay is not something she’d be absolutely fine with but she’d understand. My father, though, would absolutely hate it with a deep passion. So I’ve been “in the closet” my entire life.

I’m entering my 30s now and I’ve never kissed, dated or interacted with another human being in a romantic way. Mostly because I’m insecure as to what I want and how it would affect my life and mostly my family. I do get lonely from time to time but I think as of today, I am perfectly comfortable being alone and I’m used to it to the point where I NEED to be by myself at least for a few hours of the day to feel ok.

Here’s my dilemma though: As of late, I have trouble differentiating between attraction and friendship with girls. I hate to ruin the way I interact with a friend because I can’t tell the difference.

Guys? I see them as equals and while, hate to admit it, I would love to get laid, I’m not sure if be comfortable with a guy because I’ve never ever been attracted to one! And how would it work with a girl? I mean, I know HOW but I’m not sure if that’s the route I want to take?

I’m very confused, if you haven’t gathered, and I don’t know what to do. This causes me to go into depressive moods every now and then but I’ve learned to live with them. I guess I do need help but I don’t know what kind of help if be looking for. Help me, please?

Sincerely,No Love, No life

On occasion, I’ll get a question that isn’t quite in my wheelhouse and I like to get advice from some friends of mine. In this case, I reached out to my friend and actual doctor, coach and psychologist Dr. Liz Powell of Sex-Positive Psych.

Here’s what she had to say:

It seems like there are a couple distinct issues here - insecurity/costs of being closeted and how to do dating/read signals. As to the former, it sounds like part of what might have been getting in the way of you dating, NLNL, is that part of you knows that serious dating will likely lead to a situation where you either a) pull the classic “she’s my roommate and best friend” trick or b) come clean and possibly have a big family blow up.

Being in the closet is really really taxing on the brain and heart because in essence, it requires that you pretend to be someone you’re not. That’s unlikely to ever get easier and as long as the possible family blow up is in the back of your mind it’s going to make opening yourself up to someone and sharing your heart with them much much harder. I would ask you to consider what it is that’s leading you to continue being closeted at this point in your life. Are you reliant on your dad for financial support? Could his anger/upset with you lead to violence or serious harm? Is there something significant that makes coming out unsafe for you?

I’m asking these questions because I know how scary this kind of situation can be. I first came out as bisexual/queer when I was 17. I told my mother shortly after I started the process of coming out and she threw a big screaming crying fit and then, the next day, it was like nothing had happened. I came out to her several times over the next few years before it finally stuck. The time it stuck, my mom threatened to disown me AND to divorce my dad if he didn’t do the same. 13 years later, my mom wished me a happy pride when I marched in the parade with my then partner who was genderqueer and AFAB. All this to say that people change. Even people who throw big fits and ask you if you have sex with trees or animals. So is staying closeted worth the stress it’s causing you?

As to the latter portion of your question, of COURSE it’s easier to interact with guys - there’s nothing at risk there. You talk about how to figure out if someone is a friend or if they want to date you, and I have a really challenging thing to recommend: ask. The thing I’ve noticed in communities of queer women (or people socialized as women) is that lots of people want to date, but no one wants to make the first move. I’ve heard this referred to as “lesbian sheep syndrome,” based off of the fable that when actual literal sheep are lesbians, they just stand there presenting themselves to each other and expecting the other to mount them. I’ve been back on OKCupid a week and while every cisgender guy and masculine of center person I’ve talked to has asked me for a meetup, none of the women or femme of center folks have. None. And I haven’t asked them for a meetup. We’re just chatting and flirting and waiting for someone else to broach the subject.

If what you want is to date, at some point you’re going to have to let the person you want to date KNOW that you want to date them. In a way, that involves coming out, at least to them, because otherwise all the queer hotties you’re talking to will have no idea that you want to date them. Sometimes we can’t know whether we want to date someone or be their friend until we give the dating a shot, so I would recommend that you go the route of just asking someone out. In the worst case scenario, they say no, you thank them, and then you go back to hanging out. If they say yes, then you can go on some dates with them. It sounds like you already have some important self-knowledge about what you need in a relationship when it comes to space and alone time, so keep that in mind if/when dating becomes more serious, but right now, you’re just going on a date. I know that the joke is that a lesbian brings a U-Haul to her second date, but really your relationship can move at whatever pace and with whatever kinds of commitment and time fits for you.

So go out there! Take some chances!

There you go, NLNL. Best thing you can do when it comes to figuring out if someone’s into you and wants a date: take your shot and see.

Good luck.

Have you had a relationship with someone with an addiction? Have you helped a partner going through a major loss or trauma? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments. We’ll be back with more of your questions in two weeks.

Ask Dr. Nerdlove is Kotaku’s bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and only Harris O’Malley, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Got a question you’d like answered? [email protected] and put “Kotaku” in the subject line.

Harris O’Malley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blogPaging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove podcast. His new dating guide New Game+: The Geek’s Guide to Love, Sex and Dating is out now from Amazon, iTunes and everywhere fine books are sold He is also a regular guest at One Of Us

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