#what's the point in diagnoses now anyway when it's past the point of helping me

[watermelinoe]

pediatric circadian rhythm disorder is comorbid with autism and ocd. fascinating.

[purpurussy]

.

[dragonagitator]

House MD fans: You wake up in the PPTH ER in summer 2004. What you doing?

Scenario parameters:

All your memories of the show and the past 20 years are intact.

You are stuck there/then and cannot return to our universe/year.

You have nothing but the hospital gown on your back.

Questions:

So, what do you do?

How much would you tell House?

How would you get him to believe you?

Who else would you tell?

How much would you tell them?

Inspiration:

The author self-insert isekai fanfic "Intervention" by VivatRex (aka @acrownforaking). They've been writing it for the past 11+ years and are still updating. It's already nearly 300k words long despite only being up to the events of S02E15. I AM IN AWE.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this scenario ever since I read that fanfic a month ago. I'd love to discuss it with other House MD fans and hear what you would do.

(Apologies to the mutuals for the abrupt blog topic change. A new brainrot has taken hold.)

My short answer:

My long answers are below the cut.

So, what do you do?

My primary objective would be to enlist House in averting the pandemic.

My reasoning: If anyone can nip it in the bud before it gets out of Wuhan, I figure that a world-renowned genius doctor who is an infectious diseases specialist, speaks Mandarin, and now has a 15-year head start would have the best chance.

Difficulty level: Babysitting a narcissistic manchild with the self-preservation instincts of a toddler until the year 2020 so that he makes it there then alive, out of prison, and with his sanity, medical license, and professional reputation intact. To quote Quantum Leap, "Ohhhhhh boooooooy."

Strategy: I'm in the "I could fix him, but whatever's wrong with him is way funnier" camp, so I wouldn't try to change him (that always backfires anyway). Instead, I'd try to change his circumstances:

A stable romantic relationship would help, so I'd seduce him if I can (I'm not his type but a gal's gotta shoot her shot), try to get him together with Dominika earlier if I can't, and tell him how horribly his relationship with Cuddy ended so he knows better than to even start it.

Avert the shooting. Moriaty was a patient so his info is in the PPTH files. I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS. Or for a less murdery approach, try to get him arrested in April 2006 for violating New Jersey's strict gun laws.

Warn House about Tritter so he can switch patients with another clinic doctor.

Warn House to never get on a bus with Amber.

Tell Kutner I'm from the future and he's the only one who can prevent something horrible from happening (he's a Trekkie so he'll want to believe), then unfurl my big timeline poster and point at the "Kutner suicide early 2009" stickynote and ask him "so what's up with that, dude?"

Tell Wilson everything I can remember about his cancer -- he's an oncologist and thus can work backwards from there to figure out when to start checking for it so he can cut the tumor out while it's still just a tiny baby.

I would take a harm reduction approach to House's drug use, e.g., suggest that he try microdosing psilocybin and extend his liver's lifespan by substituting cannabis for some of his Vicodin and alcohol consumption.

Methods: Even though he doesn't have one for most of the show, House mentions a few times that he's entitled to hire an assistant, and I happen to be excellent at administrative work.

I think he'd be willing to hire me because working as his executive assistant / department secretary would position me to recognize patients as they come in so that I can discreetly pass along anything I remember, e.g., the kindergarten teacher has pork worms in her brain, ask the scientist in Antarctica to show you her feet, etc.

Meanwhile, I could lurk around the hospital preventing miscellaneous shit, e.g., get the gift shop volunteer from S01E04 to go home sick, ensure that the gunman from S05E09 is promptly admitted, diagnosed, and treated before he snaps and takes hostages, etc.

Possible sidequests:

Use my foreknowlege to get rich by milking online poker bonuses until the passage of the UIGEA in 2006, use my poker money to start flipping houses until 2007, get in on the "Big Short" in 2008, and set a Google Alert for "Bitcoin" so I can start mining/buying it from day one. Unfortunately, I haven't paid enough attention to individual stocks to play the market other than knowing that Amazon would be a good long-term buy & hold.

Use my riches to change the outcome of the 2016 election and try to steer the development of the internet and society in general in a slightly less stupid direction.

Send Pete Carroll a letter postdated just before the 2013 Superbowl telling him the outcome, then suggest for the final play of the 2014 Superbowl that the Seahawks try handing the ball off to Marshawn Lynch instead of throwing it because that throw will be intercepted. PRIORITIES.

How much would you tell House? How would you get him to believe you?

Your story about being from the future of an alternate universe in which House and everyone he knows are characters on a fictional TV show is already too batshit crazy to believe even without his kneejerk "everybody lies" skepticism. How would you differentiate yourself from all the patients who pull crazy stunts to try to get him to take their case?

My answer: For the "from the future" part, I'm hoping there's some sort of test that House could run to confirm that I was indeed vaccinated with a mRNA vaccine against the COVID-19/SARS-COV-2 virus. Given that neither of those things existed in 2004, that would be physical evidence that I'm not from around here now.

If producing physical evidence isn't possible, then I know that Vegetative State Guy from S03E15 is already a patient at PPTH because he'd been there for 10 years, so I'd find him and tell House about his son. I could also tell House enough about the cases from the first few episodes that I'm pretty sure he'd believe me by Christmas. I want in on Chinese food with Wilson.

I would wait until House accepted the "from the future" part before broaching the "fictional TV show" issue. Until then, "I watched a TV show about your life and cases" is a 100% true statement and it's not my fault if he assumes that show was a documentary. :)

Once he believed me, I'd tell him everything.

Who else would you tell? How much would you tell them?

There are people out there who would literally kill for your knowledge of the future, so going public or being too open about it seems highly risky.

My answer: I'd tell House, Wilson, and Chase right away. Kutner but not before Jan 2009. Maybe eventually Cuddy and the rest of the Diagnostics team if keeping my foreknowledge of the future from them proves too difficult.

House is the only one who gets to know everything. Everyone else is on a "need to know" basis.

I might also bring Bill Arnello (the brother/lawyer of the mob informant in S01E15 "Mob Rules") into the circle of trust because he could be a very useful resource for some of my sidequests, e.g., changing the outcome of the 2016 election far far far in advance and in the most direct way possible. (Hi, Secret Service! This is a purely hypothetical discussion about time travel and not at all indicative of any real criminal intent, pls do not pay me a visit, kthxbai.)

I think the only people I would tell the "fictional TV show" part to would be House, Wilson, and Chase, because there are things I need to warn them about that definitely wouldn't have been in a documentary. Like Chase needs to know that killing Diballa is 100% the right thing to do but he seriously needs to work on his OpSec. Everyone else gets the implied documentary lie of omission.

If I get caught knowing too much by random patients, I'll just claim to be psychic. Way more people believe in that than would believe in time travel.

What would you do?

[lesbian-cowpoke]

So I'm thinking about the symbolism associated with Mia Dearden's hair so here's me talking about it:

(Tw for the typical things associated with Mia, rape, child prostitution, drugs)

Okay. So the first time we see Mia, her hair is down.

And she's a child prostitute. Very unhappy, lots of trauma, ect ect.

And the first time we see her with a ponytail

She puts her hair up before standing up to her piece of shit pimp boyfriend.

The next time we see her hair down is when she's pissed at Ollie.

What's she mad at him for? Cheating on Dinah.

And after they hug it out Mia's hair is back in a ponytail.

Something I feel is important to point out is that even after she kills a guy, her hair is still in a ponytail.

But shortly after her hair is down again. Why?

Because she was diagnosed with HIV. Either from her prostitution or her doing meth.

And after she accepts her diagnosis, her hair is up again.

I will mention that the next time we sorta see her hair down is after she is blown up by Light/Merlyn and her hair is buzzed short. Once its long enough for her to tie it up, she does so. But all her hair being cut off could symbolize a couple things.

1: Rape. Her hair was forcibly taken from her via an explosion caused in part by Dr. Light, a rapist who rapes for power and to take things from people and to hurt. And Mia growing her hair out after that trauma could represent her healing.

2: Renewal. GA v3 can be split into 2 parts imo, pre Light explosion, and post Light explosion. Mia's hair being short symbolizes how far she has come since her introduction, how she has changed, ect ect.

I think its a little bit of both tbh.

After that, we se her hair down one more time.

After Red Hood brings up her past. Of prostitution and drugs. it clearly effects her, at least a little.

And after, her hair is in a ponytail again.

Mia's hair is deeply, deeply symbolic to her. It represents her past. It hold memories, a concept seen in many, many cultures. When something traumatic happens to her regarding sex, her hair is down. (Yes, that does include Ollie cheating on Dinah. It may not be as traumatic as the other things, but having a parent cheat on the other does cause a small amount of trauma. it is a Bad Sex Thing, and Mia's hair goes down when Bad Sex Things happen.)

Now, this does tend to be a GA v3 specific thing. But i think it maybe can be applied to other comics, if the writers are aware (and if you really like out there comic theories.)

Like at the DinahOllie wedding. Could her hair be half up half down because ponytails are informal? Probably. But maybe it could also symbolize something good, like half up means its a good marriage. Or maybe it symbolizes something bad, like the fact that it was an imposter Ollie.

Or Mia's new hair.

Her undercut. Maybe it means nothing but looking cool and helping differentiate her from Cissie (and Connor with his long hair lmao). Maybe it means she's a lesbian. Maybe it symbolizes something taken from her, what with her being missing from existence for a bit. The time she never got to live or something.

ANyways thats my long post about Mia's hair because she makes me feral oh my god the symbolism Mia Dearden I love you.

[zairene]

WELCOME TO THE PARTY. osamu dazai

* ˚ ✦ synopsis: you’ve perished and after being in a limitless abyss that seemed to have no end, you found yourself having a conversation with the underground’s grim reaper.

* ˚ ✦ genre: fic, 1k count !

* ˚ ✦ author’s note: this is honestly a really good prologue for a series.

after becoming a victim of reality’s corrupt fate of death, you were surprisingly calm. were you satisfied when you died? obviously not. dying young meant leaving everyone and everything you had ever loved behind and it was definitely a hard pill to swallow. however, you just knew it was coming. you were free of the pain you were constantly having to endure when living, and now that it has stopped, you finally achieved a level of peace you haven’t experienced before.

you had been suffering from a terminal illness, when doctors immediately diagnosed you and relayed the news that you were slowly dying, you didn’t know how to feel. seeing the tears of your loved ones did not help your conflicted emotions, they were handling it worse than you and you were the one dying. so when it came to the day you were expected to die, you were just ready for life to take you away and put you in whatever situation that lay for you in the afterlife.

and here you are now, walking in this abyss-like place where nothing but the color black was in your vision. you didn’t know how long you were walking or where you were heading towards—hell you could’ve been walking in circles this entire time—but you didn’t feel any sort of fatigue or have any sense of time. being dead was a lot more dull than you assumed it to be. either way, you had no choice.

“well hello there.”

a deep smooth voice called from behind you. you turned around to see a figure with a tall and lanky physique, his bandaged hands held an enormous scythe. is he here to finish me off? that was your initial thought when you saw the being. he soon lifted his hoodie to reveal his face. his eyes were a piercing black to the point where a simple stare could make any regular person think he could see their soul. in this case, he probably could.

his wavy brown hair was layered, but his hair in the back reached the nape of his neck. even for being dead, it looked like he took care of it quite well, you were kinda impressed. his smile was oddly soothing, but you could tell there were many tales to be told behind it.

“are you just here to tell me i’m dead? i think i’m aware.” you said.

“no, no darling. actually, you’re not dead. not yet anyways.” he saunters closer to you. “this is the void.”

“the what?”

“the void.” he raises his hand that is holding his scythe and places it behind him to lean on. you are stunned by the fact that thing could handle his entire body weight. “a place between life and death where i make your journey into the afterlife somewhat easier, to put it into simpler terms, i guess.” he paused, taking a look at you. his expression changed. “you poor thing, you look awfully young. i take it you haven’t handled the news well, hm?”

“yeah, dying young wasn’t really a part of my resolutions for the new year but here i am. and i handled it just fine, thank you.” you were not about to have him treat you like some charity case similar to anybody else that has met their end here. he smirks. “sassy one, aren’t ya?”

“if being sassy means i won’t put up with pity, then i might be the sassiest of them all.” you retorted.

“point taken.” he puts his hands up in defense. “here, walk with me. unless you wanna be here forever, then be my guest.” he walks past you, and you follow shortly not interested in the idea of being lost for the rest of eternity.

“i’m your friendly neighborhood grim reaper, and yes, just like the forms of entertainment the humans like to indulge in.” he says disgustingly. you noticed his disdain for mortal activities but you weren’t bothered to ask.

“so you’re here to take my soul?”

“incorrect and that’s honestly boring. think of the opportunity that lies ahead of you as a second life.”

“a second life?” you were intrigued.

“yes. a better version of humanity, that’s what many have said at least.”

“oh really? what makes them say that?”

“my, you are filled with questions. as expected but i’m afraid i can’t answer them all as i am a very busy man.” you rolled your eyes. “however, you can refer to our consultant at the underground once our conversation here is finished.”

he held his finger up. “and before you ask, i’ll explain.” you closed your mouth since you were gonna ask another question.

“the underground is the place you go to once you’re officially dead—i feel that part was obvious but it’s part of the speech i give everyone—a wonderland filled with people who are also in your situation. dead and confused. some have resided there longer than others, so they know their way around the place, but for people like you,” he points at you. “it’s a redemption of sorts. to live your life eternally without the fear it may end due to unfathomable circumstances or stupid things like old age.”

“so you’re saying that i’m living life again but infinitely and with no consequences?”

“correct! you’re a natural.” he continues. “but this doesn’t exclude you from having responsibilities of course. we all have jobs here and you still have to play your part, alive or not. now, are you ready?”

“yeah, sure.” you weren’t. you were still very hesitant about the whole thing but you didn’t want to continue to bombard the guy with questions. “well then,” after those words a red portal appeared in front of the both of you. you looked at the man’s face and he gave you another smile. “welcome to the party.”

and before you could even comprehend what he told you, you were pushed into the portal, unaware of where it would take you specifically but you most certainly had an idea.

(📦) — BUNGOU STRAY DOGS TAGLIST // @4nthonyyliving @4kh

(📝) — TAGLIST FORM :: sign to be apart of the taglist!

[olenvasynyt]

Does Azriel have a hero complex?

So I think a lot of SJM characters have a hero complex (Rhys and Aelin especially) but I want to talk about Az specifically because I think it is an essential part of his character.  

Now since barely get any POVs with Az we do not really know the inner workings of his mind and almost everything that we know about him is from other characters’ perspectives.  So this is all based on my interpretation of him and his actions, and not every action he makes is a result of a hero complex.  And I also don’t have a psychology degree or anything like that this is just for fun and a savior complex is not something you can diagnose anyway.  This is just a character analysis!  It’s fun.

Saving people

The basic definition of a hero complex is the constant need to save people.  Most people think of the knight and damsel in distress when a hero complex is mentioned, and this is true with Az: he has rescued Mor and Elain and Gwyn.  And rescuing people is of course part of it, but it’s a lot more intricate than just that; there are tons of other tendencies someone with a savior complex can have, and I personally think Az has tons of these tendencies.

2. very perceptive and sympathetic

A person with a hero complex is very perceptive and sympathetic.  They’re usually drawn to people who’ve had a lot of trauma.  They have a lot of empathy for others who are suffering.  They’re good at knowing what a person needs.  

You see this when he teaches Feyre to fly: he offers his backstory on how he learned and his love for the Nephelle philosophy to sympathize with her and this is actually the first time we hear Az talk a bit about his own past.  He is very sympathetic and perspective with Elain.  In ACOWAR he’s very quiet and courteous with her and offers to take her to see the garden.

I really like this quote: 

Page 334 of ACOWAR: It made sense, I supposed, that Azriel alone had listened to her.  The male who heard things others could not…Perhaps he too had suffered as Elain before he understood what gift he possessed.

3. Doing the dirty but necessary work

A person with a hero complex does the dirty but necessary work that most people don’t want to do.  I would argue that being the court torture-master is doing the dirty work.  And Rhys’ father used him and his shadow abilities when he was alive and high lord, and he is part of Rhys’ inner circle so he is important and he votes on things, etc, but he still does the dirty work, he does the spying and the torturing.

Quote on page 175 of ACOMAF: “It’s hard to tell with him—and he’d never tell me.  I’ve witnessed Cassian rip apart opponents and then puke his guts up once the carnage stopped, sometimes mourn over them.  But Azriel…Cassian tries, I try…but I think the only person who ever gets him to admit his feelings is Mor.  And that’s only when his infinite patience runs out.”

Cassian says Rhys’ father ”kept [Az] for himself as his personal shadowsinger—mostly for spying and dirty work.” 

And you can’t really tell if as likes this work but it is important.  

In ACOMAF page 288:  ”Does he mind what he does?  Not the spying, I mean.  What he did to the Attor today.” ”It’s hard to tell with him—and he’d never tell me.  I’ve witnessed Cassian rip apart opponents and then puke his guts up once the carnage stopped, sometimes mourn over them.  But Azriel…Cassian tries, I try…but I think the only person who ever gets him to admit his feelings is Mor.  And that’s only when his infinite patience runs out.”

4. Dismissing their own needs/pain, neglecting self-care

And that sort of brings me to my next point: 

They dismiss their own needs and continue to help others even if it negatively impacts them.  Not only does he keep secrets about his past, but he doesn’t like when people worry about him.

ACOMAF page 288: ”Are you worried about Az going to the mortal lands tomorrow?”  ”Of course I am.  But Azriel has infiltrated places far more harrowing than a few mortal courts.  He’d find my worrying insulting.”

He works really hard and that’s another huge thing with a savior / hero complex.  He works himself so hard to the point where his friends worry for him.

Page 376 ACOMAF: ”Getting Azriel to take any time for himself that didn’t involve work or training was nearly impossible.”

He often wants to go into battle even when he was injured.

Quote from ACOWAR page 610:  ”The argument with Rhys this morning had been swift and brutal: Azriel insisted he could fly—fight with they legions….Rhys refused…Azriel threatened to slip into shadow and fight anyway.  Rhys merely said that if he so much as tried, he’d chain him to a tree…It was only when Mor had begged him that he relented.”

5. Emotional and psychological burnout

And all of this leads to burnout which is a huge thing with Az.  He’s obviously very broody, and he suppresses his feelings, works really hard doing very laborious and traumatizing things and this leads to burnout.  We have evidence of this from not only his broodiness and quietness,

Page 293 of ACOMAF: Az gets back from the mortal realm, he’s described as needing to “return and assess…assess—and brood, it seemed, since Azriel had barely managed a polite hello to me before launching into sparring with Rhysand, his face grim and tight.” Used sparring to ”help work off his frustration”.

but physically too with the headaches that he gets.

Page 186 of ACOFAS:  “I had Madja make it for me.  It’s a powder to mix in with any drink…it’s for the headaches everyone always gives you.  Since you rub your temples too often.”

6. Low self-esteem, need for perfection

He doesn’t think he’s good enough, he doesn’t think his work is enough, he doesn’t think his ’heroic actions’ are enough.  You can see this with his spies; he wants his spying to be perfect to help people and help his High Lord. 

Page 376 ACOMAF: —the frustration of not being able to get his spies or himself into those courts took a toll on him.  The standards to which he held himself, [Mor] confided in me, bordered on sadistic. 

(this also contributes to the fact that he pushes himself too hard)

ACOMAF 205-206, Rhys says  ”I don’t trust this information, even with your sources…”  ”They can be trusted,” Azriel said with quiet steel, his scarred hands clenching at his leather-clad sides.  ”We aren’t taking risks where this is concerned,” Rhys merely said.  He held Azriel’s stare, and I could almost hear the silent words Rhys added, It is no judgement or reflection on you, Az.  Not at all. But Azriel yielded no tinge of emotion as he nodded, his hands unfurling. ”So what do we have planned?” Mor cut in—perhaps for Az’s sake.

Everyone understands he has low self esteem.

Page 256 ACOMAF: ”He set down his fork, blinking.  I might even called him self-conscious.”

And in ACOWAR Rhys says he doesn’t think he’s good enough for Mor.

Page 460 of ACOWAR:  Feyre: ”But—he loves her.  How can he sit idly by?” Rhys: ”He thinks she’s happier without him…he thinks he’s unworthy of her.”

I go back and forth between if he thinks he’s deserving of Elain or not, because this quote says he isn’t worthy,

ACOSF bonus chapter: “She looked up at him, her face so trusting and hopeful and open that he knew she had no idea that he had done unspeakable things that sullied his hands far beyond their  scars.  Such terrible things that it was a sacrilege for his fingers to skin, tainting her with his presence.  But he could have this. This one moment, and maybe a taste, and that would be it.”

but another quote in the bonus chapter implies so does think he’s worthy but I’ll talk about that later.

7. Guilt and overthinking

Az seems to often feel guilty when one of the plans goes wrong; he thinks he didn’t do as much as he could have.

Page 346 of ACOWAR:  ”Hybern had made its grand move at last.  And we had not anticipated it.  I knew Azriel would take the blame upon himself.  One look at the shadowsinger…told me he already did.”

He may have felt guilty for not reaching Cassian in time when he was gutted fighting that Hybern commander in ACOWAR

Page 543 of ACOWAR:  ”’By the time Az got there, he was down.’ Azriel’s face was stone-cold, even as his hazel eyes fixed unrelentingly upon that knitting wound.”

He might feel guilty for not helping Mor enough with Az, and he also feels guilty for keeping Rhys’ plan to let Keir into Velaris a secret.

Page 414 of ACOWAR:  "Whether [Mor] knew that though she’d tried to move past the bargain we’d made, the guilt of it still haunted Azriel, she didn’t let on.”

And when Eris calls More a slut, Az attacks him violently and Feyre has to call him off.  And I think this was a telling sign of his guilt:  

Page 429 of ACOWAR: 

”As Azriel turned his face toward me—The frozen rage rooted me to the spot.  But beneath it, I could almost see the images that haunted him: the hand Mor had yanked away, her weeping, distraught face as she had screamed at Rhys.”

He defends people to make up for his guilt, which sort of brings me to my next point:

8. Issues with overstepping boundaries and self-efficacy

I’m not talking about him kissing Elain in the bonus chapter and overstepping the boundaries of her mating bond with Lucien.  I’m talking about how a person with a hero complex oversteps and takes on other people’s responsibilities/problems.  With self-efficacy, a person with a hero complex might unintentionally undermine someone’s self-efficacy by not allowing them to face and overcome challenges on their own.

And he doesn’t do this all the time. In fact there are situations, specifically emotional situations that don’t pertain to him, that he walks away from and he goes ” That’s not my business.”

But you see this with Mor a lot, he is super defensive for Mor: when Eris calls her a slut during the High Lord’s meeting, he attacks him and chokes him out.  He jumps to her defense all the time even when she doesn’t ask for it.

He also refuses Elain’s offer to look for the Trove in ACOSF:

Page 311 of ACOSF: “We do not have the time to wait for Nesta to decide.  I say we approach Elain tomorrow.  Better to have both of them working on it.” Azriel stiffened, an outright sign of temper from him as he said quietly, “There is an innate darkness to the Dread Trove that Elain should not be exposed to.”

9. Fear of abandonment and rejection

And all of this pertaining to the hero complex, including overstepping boundaries, continuously helping, etc can be because of their fear of rejection.  A person with a savior complex fears being alone so they continuously help others to ensure their relationship continues.

Az actually tried to bring up his feelings for Mor after he rescues her from the Autumn court border and she leaves (talk about bad timing AZ) but I feel like Az hasn’t brought up his love for Mor because he fears rejection and also because of his low self-esteem.

Mor often has an argument with Rhys and he turns to Az to defend her and often he’s hesitant.  

Page 186 of ACOWAR:  Mor whipped her head to Azriel.  ”What do you think?”  The shadowsinger held her stare, his face unreadable.  Considering.  I tried not to hold my breath.  Defending the female he loved or siding with his High Lord…”It’s not my call to make.” ”That’s a bullshit answer,” Mor challenged.   ”I could have sworn hurt flickered in Azriel’s eyes, but he only shrugged.

You see this with his guilt that I brought up before with not doing enough to stop Hybern from attacking in ACOWAR, and his guilt over not telling Mor about their plan with Kier and Eris and letting Keir have access to Velaris.  

And this is an excellent quote:

Page 460 of ACOWAR:  ”There will come a day when Azriel has to decide if he is going to fight for her or let her go.  And it won’t be because some other male insults her or beds her.”

And he probably fears rejection from Elain.

10. A need for validation

Now another tendency a person with a savor complex can have is the need for validation, they want acknowledgment for the good things they’ve done, and this can lead to resentment if they are acknowledged.

And I don’t necessarily think this is Az, I feel like he would just say that helping is his job, being spymaster is his job, saving people is his job” but you can see in the bonus chapter of Silver Flames when Rhys asks him if he thinks he deserves Elain as a mate, he says ”I don’t think Lucien will be good enough for him” which in my opinion implies that Az thinks he is more heroic / more worthy of having Elain as a mate and sees Lucien as a coward.

ACOSF bonus chapter: “The Cauldron chose three sisters. Tell me how it's possible that my two brothers are with two of those sisters, yet the third was given to another.” “You believe you deserve to be her mate?"   “I think Lucien will never be good enough for her…”

There are obviously tons of other aspects of a hero complex beside a knight rescuing a damsel that I think apply to Az; he is a super traumatized and I think his hero complex / heroism in general is a result of that.

[ardenrabbit]

Hello!

A Long and Slow Recovery - are we past the halfway point? I am so excited to see how everything turns out. Did you do a lot of research to delve into Xie Lian’s experience with recovery? It’s very well written with regard to his mental and emotional struggles. Also , I just love how you write Hua Cheng and Xie Lian’s interactions.

Those Worthy of Following( new name change!) - I gushed about it in your comment section but need to emphasize how much I love that opening chapter with the dual between Hua Cheng and Xie Lian. And this dynamic, of Hua Cheng being the prince, and Xie Lian being the bodyguard, is A+++. Xie Lian is so calm and kind and powerful. He was so fierce about Hua Cheng not talking down about himself. Like,yes gege, please show your Hua Cheng how precious he is, haha. I ❤️ reading Xie Lian showing his protectiveness of Hua Cheng, even from the man himself. I’m also keen to see how Feng Xin and Mu Qing will take to Xie Lian in this verse too.

Is there anything else you can share about it that’s not spoilers? If not, that’s fine too!

Your writing is just delicious - a pleasure, something to savor and come back to again and again.

Thank you!

Omg thank you so much 💕😭💕 Your comments are always such a delight!! It's so validating and encouraging and I hope you know that!!

We are indeed past the halfway point in alasr! I honestly just kind of know what happens in a big blob with like half a dozen bullet points, so I don't have a final chapter count ready, but Chapter 20 is basically the start of the second half of the story. I originally thought the fic was gonna end at just about the New Year celebration, but it turns out his recovery is taking a lot longer than that, and his recovery isn't even the only one we're dealing with now, so I got ambitious. The premise also uh deserves a little more closure and resolution than that lol, so Arc 2 is gonna be a little higher stakes than we've had so far.

I'm so glad you're enjoying how I'm writing Xie Lian and his recovery! Haha I did research a variety of other conditions and disabilities and read accounts from people who have them, because that's just good research. Honestly, though, inspiration for the vast majority of Xie Lian's mental/emotional struggles have been sourced from firsthand experience :)

I'm mentally and physically disabled and have been my whole life, and I wasn't even diagnosed with anything (I was somehow just diagnosed with Teenager) until I hit rock bottom about it in adulthood. I've gotten to a better place with the mental stuff, but even though it's no longer an active threat to me, my bad days can still leave me nonverbal, disconnected from reality, and sometimes catatonic. The physical stuff has been getting worse over the years, and even though I can still walk independently with a cane when I leave the house (as long as I rest a lot), I still fall down just walking in my own home. I keep having to remember that my chronic pain and fatigue isn't normal, and I keep getting evidence that I'm worse than I thought. I've had to reorganize my life around all of it and I'm uh. Not taking it well lately lol.

So alasr is my self-therapy project. Xie Lian is going to get better and I'm not, and that still kind of pisses me off lol, but it's nice to vent and see someone else get a happy ending. So...yeah, at least writing alasr has helped distract me from my own pity party, and Xie Lian's anger, despair, guilt, and forced optimism are cathartic for me. It's not just about me, though; obviously I'm trying to stay in character for him and write in the context of his specific circumstances. But I guess I relate to sick fic stuff lol

Fully aware that that was a lot of oversharing 💜

But ANYWAY, AS FOR ✨ THOSE WORTHY OF FOLLOWING ✨ I'm so glad you're liking that one so far too!! I craaaaave protective badass Xie Lian and I needed a different brand of angst and drama from alasr for a while lol. I love writing violence tbh. I don't wanna spoil too much, but I definitely wanna confirm this:

TWOF is NOT a post-canon reincarnation fic. I'm personally not up for writing that kind of loss of all their canon experiences. And there are probably some really well-written takes on it! It's just not personally my speed. 😅 This one might seem like a post-canon reincarnation fic in the first couple chapters, but it'll make more sense soon.

It IS angst with a HAPPY ending, I promise!! What I'm planning right now gets really rather sad and it might seem hopeless at some point, but I promise, I'm confident in my plan to make it genuinely happy and fulfilling!

I'm exploring a trope about which I've had some general hangups, but I honestly enjoy taking tropes and tweaking them to my preferences. I think a lot of people can already guess what trope I'm talking about, which is fine with me! If it means the buildup and foreshadowing are working, I'm happy it fits!

What I'm panicking about with this wip is that I've convinced myself that I need to earn a doctorate in Tang Dynasty battle and siege tactics to write it credibly lmao. I spent three hours the other night researching ancient Chinese fire starters and the differences between Han and Tang era tea preparation (to little avail). This one is gonna take a lot of research for my own peace of mind but I hope it pays off!

Mu Qing and Feng Xin are gonna be okay!! Someone commented on ch2 that they liked that Mu Qing got hurt because they hate him and I'm like...I didn't think I'd framed that as a good thing..... 😅 That was something a Bad Guy did.......... 😅😅😅

Thank you so much for your kind comments and all of the fun engagement!! I'm truly so honored that you've enjoyed my writing so far! 💖💖💖

[makeitallmarvel]

SNOWFALL

Part 1

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

“James” you whispered in the dark. The caution and fear in your voice as you blindly searched for him.

“James” you tried again. It was miraculously silent. Your heart pounded so loud it was all you could hear through your ears until you heard him groaning slightly. Sweat poured from your glands dripping down your forehead as if you had suddenly become a fountain.

“Please tell me you’re alive.” You begged your voice breaking. The time to sound brave was far past and now you were left with raw emotion.

A hand reached out and grabbed you by the arm pulling you back at the same time another hand covered your mouth suppressing your scream. Your body tensed instinctually before calming itself once the familiar smell of Bucky reached your nose.

“It’s me” he barely breathed. You could tell he was in a fairly large amount of pain.

“I feel like I’m drowning” you rasped as you attempted to breathe. The breaths came short, shallow and painfully slow.

“It’s probably a collapsed lung” Bucky diagnosed as his hand held you up.

“You?” You wondered as the two of you crouched attempting to leave without any more combat.

“Stabbed in the thigh” he groaned, sounding completely irritated. The mission had gone to hell the moment your cover was blown.

“Where’s Steve?” You hurriedly whispered. Bucky signaled to be quiet with his finger as his brow furrowed. The hunter in him ignited as he crouched forward like a cat ignoring the searing pain in his thigh. He barely breathed as his eyes took in every sound and movement around you. He quickly pointed to the side then upwards indicating Steve was on the roof of the east entrance and that’s where you needed to get to.

Footsteps above you alerted you of the teams position. You counted quickly in your head and made out three operatives heading Steve’s way. You knew they wouldn’t stand a chance against him but you worried anyway. You worried about your whole team that way, it just came with the business. Bucky held you closely tightening his grip every once in a while when the pain got too bad for him. Your own pain you could barely feel you just wanted to make it to your bed tonight. Buckys breath on your neck made your heart rate hasten. He always did, anything he did caught your attention. But he would never know it, at least that’s how it felt to you.

After a few hundred feet your lungs met the cold winter air. Instantly a chill ran deep inside your bones as you tried to adjust to the weather. The darkness only adding to your chills. The gentle snowfall was the only sound that registered to your ears. The muffled pitter patter of the snowflakes hitting the ground played tricks on your senses. A quick but soft whistle broke through your wandering thoughts. Your head shot up to the roof to see Steve signaling to you. He was telling you to meet behind the tree line. That meant the coast was clear and you both had a safe path to the quinjet. Immediately Bucky started towards his ride home not letting you go too far from his grasp. Torturously you trudged through the bramble of branches on the ground. One caught a hold of your foot and caused your overtired body to fall straight to the ground. This was just adding to your list of bullshit for the night. Bucky instantly wrapped his strong hands around your arms causing your blood to race through every part of your body leaving you nearly breathless. He helped you to your feet. Your eyes locked and in that moment time seemed to slow all together. You know the whole cliche movie moment was playing behind your eyes as you took in your own reality. You couldn’t leave his gaze no matter how hard you tried to. He kept you there hypnotized.

“Are you ok?” He asked quickly as he shook his head slightly.

“Just barely” you answered truthfully just trying to assess yourself for a pulse. After many painful steps you were finally able to plop your exhausted body down on the bench.

“What the hell just happened?” Bucky heaved as he tried to recover from the nights activities.

[copperbadge]

hi, I just came across your grocery post on how your ADHD task coping mechanisms don’t align with performing the task while medicated. Do you have any thoughts/advice for adjusting to doing work/job tasks when your previous coping mechanisms don’t work while medicated? As someone who was diagnosed after I finished undergrad, my coping mechanisms for finishing schoolwork tasks are to intentionally trigger RSD to trick my brain into making the consequence of failing the task greater than my executive dysfunction. This is 1) not healthy for me and 2) difficult because Adderall softens my RSD and emotional dysregulation. So where unmedicated I would panic and make an entire presentation the night before it was due, my medicated self sits there anxious the night before my work presentation but still incapable of starting the work. I’d love to hear your ideas on this if you have a moment (no worries if not, have a great day either way)

I hope it's okay I posted this! My readership may also be able to offer suggestions. (Readers, remember to comment or reblog, as I don't post asks sent in response to other asks!)

So, as the kids say there's a bit to unpack here...I do have some coping mechanisms to offer, although I have a strong policy of "do what works for you" so if these aren't helpful, please don't feel as if you've somehow failed -- these are just what works for me. If they don't work for you, that may be a good jumping-off point for thinking about what would, but they simply won’t work for everyone. 

First, I want to say that while I'm not a psychiatrist or a doctor, it sounds like it's possibly an issue with the medication. If it's working well enough to help with your RSD but not well enough to help with the action paralysis you're describing, it could be you're on the wrong medication or the wrong dosage of it. So above all I would strongly recommend talking about this with your prescriber to see what they say. This may be as simple as a tweak to your prescription. My psych has me on 10mg immediate release at 8am and 1pm, but after discussing the rhythm of my day he has also given me permission to occasionally take 20mg at 8 and no second dose. 20mg is an option if I’m tired or struggling and gives me a little extra push to get stuff started and/or completed, and it helps a great deal, but it’s not always needed. 

As for solutions to the actual issue...so, I know that with ADHD it's often the case that once you start something, you may be able to focus deeply on it and bang it out very quickly, like you have been doing. Also can I say, using the RSD to kickstart the executive function is a wonderfully imaginative workaround but sounds super unpleasant to do, so I'm sorry you've had to do that. Anyway, I think people who are capable of doing this, of kicking into action and completing a very complicated task all at once, tend to think that's the only possible way to do it, because it’s the only way that has worked in the past. So I have two suggestions.

The first is to try and reframe the project as something you can work on before the last minute, now that you have medication helping your executive function along. You can try, for example, saying “I’d like to get some work done on this thing that’s due a week from now” and just see how far you get. This can be tricky and can lead to a lot of guilt if you can’t manage it, which I want to stress a lot of people can’t. But if you are capable of saying to yourself “I’m just going to work on this a little”, every time you do that, it gets slightly easier because you know you’re not starting from the beginning. I have sometimes set alarms to be like “Okay, I’ll take my meds at 9:30. At 10am, as they’re kicking in, the alarm will go off and I’ll work on the project a bit.” It could be that you are now capable of spreading the work out over time, but you haven’t been doing that simply because you’re so accustomed to being unable to. 

In some sense it’s a matter of identifying what the medication does for you and adjusting that to help you in your life. ADHD meds can have varying effects -- they can help you start stuff, they can help you focus, they can keep you from running around full of excess energy, but they don’t always do everything for every person. So if you know that your meds help you focus but don’t necessarily help you start on something, maybe you need someone to body-mirror you to help get started. If the meds calm you down, maybe use the calm time to set up your workspace and arrange everything so that it’s easier to get started later. Identify the changes the meds make and try to strategize around those changes. Like how without meds at the grocery store I have trouble finding things, whereas with meds I tend to get stalled out taking in all the information. So maybe I need to be at the tail end of a dosage period when I go, or maybe I need to make a list that includes BRANDS so that I’m not label-comparing, and tell myself I will not browse. Or give myself extra time so I can do those things! 

The second suggestion may be more helpful, but it too involves doing preliminary work early on. This is one I do when I have something I’m not feeling confident about, but you can do it about anything even if you WANT to do it but can’t seem to get going. 

As early as you can, set up some time to sit down and make a list of all the granular parts of a project, rather than doing the project itself. This isn't universal, some people stress out about lists, but it can ease the path towards starting if you think you don't have to do "a project" all at once. If you're making a power point presentation, your list may be something like

Open Powerpoint. Open prompt for presentation. Open research website or get out research books. Read research (just one!). Read research (another). Repeat until finished. Review and develop ideas for the presentation. Make an outline for what the presentation should be. Pick out a template for the slides. Begin entering text into slides.

Et cetera. I've found, and you may too, that once you've started making the list, or once you've gotten to step 3 or 4 of actually doing the list, you're on a roll and the rest comes naturally. Like, I can't do this fucking project! But....well, okay, I am capable of just....opening powerpoint. And once I've done that I can start knocking down the rest, a little at a time. I think it is very hard for people with ADHD to learn how to segment out work that they feel “goes together” over time, like we are always under the impression we have to do The Whole Thing Right Now. Learning to orchestrate smaller steps, with the help of medication, is one way to spread the work out. 

But yeah -- all of this is predicated on the idea that the medication can help you get started and focus enough to keep going. If it can’t do that, then the problem is not with you but with your meds. Learning how to observe your medications’ effects, and learning how to use those to your advantage, will be more helpful than any tips or tricks I can provide, in any case, but making sure they’re actually doing the job is first and foremost. 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hey sex witch,

So I’ve suffered from V Bad Periods since I was around 13(passing out, throwing up, the works) and have been on various hormonal for the past 15 years. It typically helps for a while, but sometimes stops working after a while or, with the Nuva ring I have now, works some months and not others.

My family has a loooong history of endometriosis, and my aunt and grandmother both had hysterectomies, so I brought it up as a possibility to my doc, and she said “everyone has some endometriosis, it’s not a reason you’re in pain”. When I asked to be examined for it anyway, she did some pressure tests with her fingers where she pressed spots and asked if it hurt (it did after a while but not like cramps, which I told her, just like discomfort cuz it sucked) and she told me that my uterus was “overreacting in preparation to nonexistent trauma” from past bad periods and to take some Tylenol a few days leading up to my period and maybe see a pelvic floor doc.

Am I wrong to feel super dismissed? I thought endometriosis was checked with an ultrasound, not fingers? Should I get a second opinion or am I overblowing it?

hey your doctor can meet me in the fucking pit, I'm so sorry you were treated this way

"everyone has endometriosis" is??? categorically untrue; only about 10-20% of people w/ a uterus are estimated to have endo, and if you do then it's absolutely something that you can reasonably expect to be causing pain and difficult periods. it's also known to run in families, which means it's ENTIRELY reasonable to suspect that you also have it and ask for help making sure.

and more to the point: if you have a patient who's been experiencing chronic, severe, life-altering pain for over a decade, chalking it up to overreacting is a dick move and frankly irresponsible medical care. if you don't think it's endo, great, but jesus christ you need to be working on a plan to help figure out what the fuck is going on, because "it's nothing" doesn't cut it when someone's passing out on the reg.

also re: ultrasounds: they aren't a way to definitively diagnose endo, but they can help locate cysts in your reproductive systems that a standard pelvic exam could miss. based on everything you've told me here, an ultrasound looking for reproductive anomalies is a very reasonable thing for you to be seeking.

genuinely fuck this doctor, please send me her address so I can fight her while you seek another opinion elsewhere.

[enberlight]

Does anyone know? Could my vitamin D & iron deficiency have caused the 20 years of crippling pain I had before taking a multivitamin +4k iu/day of D?

Without vitamins, I'm short of breath after minor daily activity, inflamed, aching to my BONES, stiff, and my colon is ON FIRE and, to be blunt, not cooperating.

But blood tests have NEVER spotted low iron & low D is "new" within the last 3 years. I've been trying to chase this down since 2000 ish, my energy took a nosedive after I tore my meniscus in 1998 and developed tendinitis after. And I've gradually been collecting more inflammatory issues since.

"Chronic Fatigue" was a new term around then and one they didn't want to diagnose me with, they just shrugged when I didn't line up perfectly with Rheumatoid Arthritis or Fibromyalgia. I ticked a lot of the boxes, but didn't go past the "threshold for diagnosis." They were just like, eat right and take your antidepressants.

That's never been enough. But going on a multivitamin (WITH IRON) seems to have been the tipping point. The high doses of D helped (50k iu/week wore off in 3 days, so I took 4k a day and WOW hi awake now), but I was still getting anemia and fatigue and constant soft tissue and tendon pain.

Those nearly disappeared until the doc took me off vitamins for surgery prep :\ Now OMG I'M ON FIRE AND STIFF AGAIN.

It would honestly be nice, in a way, if most of my chronic pain, inflammation, and fatigue turns out to be "you just need vitamins & sleep, let's fix your sinuses, here's a pill."

But it will be UNSATISFYING after a flare up & $$$$ bill

(uterus is still trying to kill me, the vitamins didn't tame it.)

For extra context, because who knows what counts? Maybe y'all do, the docs don't... Anyway. My fingernails have minor ridges along the length, and twist a bit (they look like broad side-bent shovels if I let them grow out). And I have tinnitis, chronic depression, anxiety, ADHD, possibly autistic and bipolar. And was super flexible til all this inflammation turned me into a board. (Not double jointed or anything though.) Just uh. Hi Chronic Illness Tumblr, you know more than Google. Help? XD Thyroid checks out fine, btw, but my liver and kidneys are sus.

[intersex-support]

I'm concerned I may have an intersex condition and I'm not sure where to go from here. Could I ask for some advice?

Essentially, I'm realizing that I... probably didn't complete puberty the first time. I'm afab, and I did get a growth spurt and body hair and start to grow breasts, but I never developed past what I'm now realizing was probably about stage 3 on the Tanner Scale. My breasts stayed small enough that I could easily pass as male without binding (I'm nonbinary) and I was never able to find a bra small enough to fit me. Overall I was kinda just built like a tall preteen, and frequently mistaken for one well into my 20s

I'm also diagnosed with presumed endometriosis and had extremely irregular and painful periods for my entire life. Birth control pills didn't fully fix it and depo shots just made it worse, but when my gyno put me on nexplanon about 9 months ago it stopped my period altogether. More than that though... I think I'm going through puberty again, at the age of 25. I started experiencing breast growth and female-pattern fat redistribution that's very similar to what my transfem friends are going through on HRT, and I realized... my medication is literally just progestin. I'm essentially on feminizing HRT as an afab person. And after 9 months on HRT I've finally progressed to what looks like stage 4 on the Tanner Scale and I'm getting closer to stage 5

I did some research on what could be happening when I first started noticing the changes and found out that recent studies have linked endometriosis to estrogen dominance (either an excess of estrogen or a deficiency of progesterone) and the symptoms of both estrogen dominance and low progesterone seemed to fit me. Since the changes started after I went on progestin-only medication I figured that was my answer, that I had low progesterone bc of my endometriosis and it stunted my development. But recently I was talking with an intersex blogger who pointed out that having hormone deficiencies so severe they interrupt puberty isn't common for endometriosis and it might be a symptom of an intersex condition, and they recommended for me to look into hypogonadotropic hypogonadism

I've been doing research on it and. It really seems to describe what I went through. The only things that don't really fit me are the short height and lack of period, but that may just be bc I had an incomplete puberty instead of an absent one. More specifically though I learned about Kallmann Syndrome, and I know it's relatively rare, especially in afab people, but a lot of the other symptoms seem to fit me. The first, notably, is that I've had hyposmia my entire life which is a defining feature of the condition. I also have spinal defects: scoliosis, hyperlordosis, and cervical kyphosis. I even have some unexplained motor control issues that I'm now concerned may be mild ataxia, like my lifelong constant hand tremors and a general "clumsiness" that makes it difficult for me to get my limbs to do what I want—both of which cause frequent issues for me

I really wanna get some solid answers but I'm... not sure where to go from here. Would getting my hormones checked be a logical next step? If it's specifically progesterone that's affected for me I'm not sure if the tests will be able to tell the difference between natural progesterone and synthetic progestin though, and I can't go off my medication bc my endo is so bad without it that I won't be able to work. Maybe that's not even the hormone they would need to check anyways though, maybe it would be GnRH? Idk, I'm just a little bit lost. I'm considering going to Planned Parenthood to ask about it (my current gyno has not been very forthcoming with information about my own condition) but I'm nervous about seeing them without knowing if it's something they can even help with and I'm also worried about going in with too much information and having a doctor dismiss me as having given myself a "google diagnosis" 😣

Any advice on the process of seeking a diagnosis? Or any other next steps in general?

Also—I keep having this nagging thought in the back of my head that says even if I do turn out to have a form of HH it wouldn't "matter" now that I'm on HRT and finishing puberty. Any opinions on this? Would I still "count" as intersex if that's the case? And what if I can't get a diagnosis?

Hi anon,

So sorry for the late answer. Hope you've been doing well.

It definitely makes sense to me that you would be looking into Kallmann Syndrome, especially since you have hyposmia and that really is such a key part of that condition. I agree with the other blogger that it's worth looking into why your puberty was disrupted/incomplete and regardless of whether it's Kallmann Syndrome, another intersex variation, or something else, that might be helpful information to have. And I totally get what you mean about it "not mattering" to get a diagnosis now that you're on HRT, and honestly, what is most important is your priorities and wishes in this process.

It is completely valid to want this information and search for a diagnosis, and to want an answer even though you've now found a treatment that works. If you decide at some point through the process that diagnosis is not a priority for you right now, that's okay too--what matters is that you are the authority here and that you have the right to feel whatever way you feel about it. The intersex community has such an incredible amount of variety--we all have so many different variations, different experiences, ways that symptoms show up or don't show up, and there's no "right" way to be intersex. All ways of being intersex are valuable and real ways that we're going to show up in our community.

The process of seeking a diagnosis can be kind of long and frustrating, but I'd say the first step would definitely be trying to get a referral to an endocrinologist or any doctor who is willing to run a full hormone panel on you, (generally this includes estrogen, testosterone, progesterone, FSH, LH, SHBG, and thyroid hormones). For Kallmann Syndrome, they would be looking for low estrogen, FSH, and LH levels. They would probably also run some other blood tests checking general blood chemistry levels to rule out any other causes. The next step for Kallmann diagnosis is sometimes an MRI to rule out any physical abnormalities on the pituitary gland. Finally, there is also molecular genetic testing for Kallmann that can help identify the specific genetic mutation, but the diagnosis can also be made without genetic testing or an MRI. Planned Parenthood might be a good first step, either to actually do the first set of labs or to provide you to a referral to a endocrinologist who would be willing to order the labs. It can definitely be really hard navigating doctors who are dismissive of our own self-knowledge and research, and I've found it can sometimes be more helpful to just explain your symptoms (lack of periods, lack of puberty) and ask for a full hormone panel rather than specifically telling the doctor that you want to test for Kallmann's.

Overall, just know that you absolutely aren't alone in this and that you are welcome to come back to the blog with any other questions or just to vent. It can be confusing and overwhelming trying to navigate the medical system, and you deserve support! Best of luck on this journey 💜

[glittertomb]

Very personal but important question(s?) regarding chronic health issues and disability

So I’ve had fibromyalgia and Gastroparesis for about a decade now, and I try my best to self-manage these issues (in addition to the expensive meds they give me that don’t really provide relief), but it becomes severely difficult for me to work a full schedule, particularly when my job drains me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I spend my days off in complete recovery mode, absolutely bed-ridden, afraid to do anything social or physical, because I risk going into a total Fibro meltdown. Which is a nightmare, but I’ll spare you the details.

I’ve been considering applying for partial disability because I think working 3 or 4 days instead of 5 or 6 would be much better for most humans, honestly, but particular for someone like me who deals with chronic nausea, discomfort, and pain on the daily. I’ve been putting it off for ages though because I know that disability can be very difficult to get and a horrible process and I can’t work myself up to it or afford a disability lawyer to help me. I tried being a little more aggressive this past summer and collected “documentation” on my fibromyalgia in the hope of preparing to submit it, and literally all of my documentation says “fibromyalgia?” because apparently none of my doctors believe me after years of testing and thousands of dollars of office visits trying to get this diagnosis. To be honest, using fibromyalgia as my reasoning for disability needs was a dead end anyway because lots of doctors still don’t believe it exists, so I doubt the government would find that a good reason either. And I really doubt they would take the Gastroparesis seriously either, even though both of these conditions are dehabilitating at times.

So one of my friends recommended I go through the avenue of my mental health issues. At different points of my life I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar, ocd, adhd, etc, and who knows what the real answer is, but she’s a mess. I’ve been realizing over the past couple years that I’m very likely autistic, and that would actually explain a lot of these things, but the past 6 months have been crazy, and even though I’ve been working a bunch, I’m poorer than ever because of the rising cost of everything, so I cannot afford to get a formal diagnosis yet. But I know that I told my most recent psychiatrist all these horror stories about my anxiety, so I decided to get done documentation for her too, and guess what? Generalized depression and mild anxiety. Girl, huh? (Tw: blood and dermatillomania coming up) I showed her evidence of scars on my hands from picking my hands every night til I bleed everywhere, I described how I get overwhelmed and cry at work several times a week and often fight back panic attacks at work and in my private life, I told her than I struggled to fall asleep and stay asleep and only got collectively about a few hours every night, I told her that I literally could not socialize without using alcohol as a crutch but I can no longer do that because of my digestive issues so I self-isolate, I told her that I struggle to maintain eye contact and panic when people give me eye contact… so many stories like these. Mild anxiety smdh

So that comes to my first question cause I guess I decided while writing this that I have a couple:

1) How do you, as a female-presenting person, get a diagnosis for severe anxiety? How wild do my stories have to be without accidentally committing myself?! I have an ex, amab, who basically pulled a john Mulaney and was like, “I get nervous on planes sometimes” and he legit got a prescription for Xanax or one of those other big ones, and another who is on a dose of gabapentin 5x the strength of mine because he gets social anxiety sometimes, so this is especially frustrating that I can’t even get a dang proper diagnosis on anything after ten+ years of therapy, doctors, tests, everything.

2) What is the process like for getting an autism diagnosis and are there cheaper routes you can go that would still be credible? I’ve exhausted my expenses from years of jobs not paying my worth combined with money poured down the drain trying to get any sort of help with my kaleidoscope of issues, and at this point I’m too broke and demotivated and burnt out to figure out a way forward.

3. Has anyone been able to get partial or full disability who would be willing to hold my hand through the steps and keep me motivated? I know it’s a huge ask but I honestly get so anxious even thinking about the process that I completely shut down. At the very least, maybe you could explain what worked for you or how you would approach it better next time? I just moved far away from my support group so I’m feeling alone and even a word of caution or encouragement would help.

I know I’m not really as connected to this community as I used to be, but I’m hoping someone will get to the end of this and even a kind word or a smidge of sympathy/empathy would be nice. And please do reach out if you have fibro because I don’t meet many and it would be nice to have friends who can relate. Thank you for listening! 💜💜💜

[omnitricks]

this is a bunch of nothing but i made it so im going to post it somewhere. but its for me first and foremost

and for your reading pleasure im going to post a bunch of shit under a readmore

okay so, if you know me, you know that i have some level of bipolar disorder. i was tentatively diagnosed by a therapist i went to when i was about 17, and while i never got that formal diagnosis tattooed onto my body, it, frankly, was kind of fucking obvious in retrospect.

i have talked.. a LOT. about how my teens were filled with a near constant level of homicidal anger. a lot of it was comprised of your standard teen loneliness, going through the wrong puberty, and maybe a sprinkling of childhood emotional abuse, but. whatever. you get it.

i am also autistic, which is fun. the two are.. 'comorbid,' or something, maybe thats the wrong term, but i dont care. nobody is reading this. anyway. basically this means whenever i do feel something, which isn't always, i feel it in a Fun and Unusual way. so far i have been able to cope with my fun and unusual emotions by rationalizing them, or like.. anthropomorphizing them, but in reverse. i dont know. i am angry a LOT, and i form that anger in my head as a smilodon. again, autistic. not the point.

but i've never really thought about what my bipolar disorder itself felt like in my brain. until, y'know, this. this inexplicable thing i can't get rid of but makes my life harder. you know how it is. but.. anyway. back to the near constant level of homicidal anger.

im not going to blame the myriad shitty things i did as a kid exclusively on my mental illnesses, and how poorly they were managed, but im confident i wouldn't have been nearly as bad had i gone to a proper psychiatrist. and gotten medicated, probably. but then again i probably would've done better with *no* mental help considering the first therapist my parents took me to essentially pushed me back into the closet for a few years. that was fun.

point is. i've come to terms with a lot in the past few years, but only recently have i been able to like.. help with it? i have a very supportive partner and she helps so much in calming me down. but its still, yknow, a mental illness that i have.

which is why it's so upsetting to me when people refer to intrusive thoughts and become upset with you if you talk about yours and they're not fun and innocent and quirky enough. people with intrusive thoughts about murder rise up. 'eww theres something wrong with you' WHAT DO YOU THINK MENTAL ILLNESS IS, *CORBYN.*

sorry to any corbyns in the crowd tonight i bet you're a great 17 year old trans boy who hangs out in your high school's library during lunch.

this is a lot of rambling. but like. point is. i have bipolar disorder and it makes living hard and i never feel properly 'safe' in my own home. because, though i know this isn't true, i feel as if i could at one random moment just snap and enter another one of those white-hot rage states where i do something ill regret for the rest of my life. you know?

but all in all, im a lot better than i was. im not great *now* but im a lot better too

[holkazmesice]

The thing is –⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

(about trauma, being hurt, having emotional damage, baggage, living with consequences of events out of your control)

nobody owes you healing the mistakes of other people or mending your past.

I see a lot of tumblrians in my feed sharing personal intense feelings regarding BPD or traumatic responses and mechanisms stemming from their (C)PTSD and other mental illnesses that resulted from being mistreated or hurt (many times repeatedly). I myself was officially diagnosed with BPD almost 15 years ago now, C-PTSD 4 years ago, OCD 3 years ago, AuDHD this year. I've been getting panic attacks since I was 6 years old, suffered from insomnia my whole life and when I get overloaded or triggered, I cannot leave my flat and tend to heavily dissociate (to the point of not remembering what I did for hours, sometimes days). I think this needs to be said prior to my stream of consciousness, just in case. I am coming out from a place of experience with my own (sometimes failed) attempts at recovery.

There is no one else who should "fix" what others caused. I wish there was. I wish somebody was made responsible, held accountable and had to treat you nicely and with regards to trauma you have been through. I wish somebody would allocate people who would willingly put up with bullshit trauma causes you to think, fixate on, obssess about, who would reassure you constantly, kept you company for all eternity and never lost patience with you, regardless of how irrational your behaviour got. I wish it was possible to employ a new person to be everything somebody else wasn't just because you are in pain and need to heal.

But trauma doesn't mandate special treatment. It can provide explanation for sometimes erratic behaviour, disturbing thought patterns, unhealthy coping mechanisms, trauma responses during unpleasant interactions; but opening up about your past doesn't warrant you a happy ending just because you've suffered enough. Nobody else in the world owes you that kind of attention. That's Hollywood poppycock, tear-jerking movie logic, Spielberg-crafted illusion of closure. Hundreds and hundreds of books written about how it should work in ideal world. But in reality, is it really fair to hold any human responsible for somebody else's fuck up and expect them to fix it?

I am not trying to discourage anybody from seeking help, opening up to their friends or family, searching for a person nice enough to stick around for, by no means. I am talking about the "I told you I was hurt/traumatised by somebody doing X and you did X anyway" logic, very common phenomenon, especially in BPD brains. Expecting people to stick around just because they know how much it hurts you when somebody leaves – well, that's just emotional blackmail, isn't it? Is it actually healing, having "somebody to stick around for once", if said somebody can't leave you out of obligation, guilt or worry you will hurt yourself if they do? Does it amend past trauma if they genuinely don't want to stick around, but feel like they don't have a choice? (And doesn't that kind of make you the toxic one now? Do you want to become potential trauma to somebody else, knowing how much effort it takes to rid yourself of it?)

If they don't want to stay, don't force them. Maybe instead heal a little bit through letting go of somebody consciously and out of your own volition. Take control over your life again, don't make yourself miserable and feel worthless because of "another one gone, everybody leaves me anyway". They are not neccessarily another one to prove the pattern, nor should any individual human bear such kind of power over your mental health. Your mind holds the pattern. Don't mash somebody in an algorithm if they don't compute, don't let your fears become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Break the cycle and stay conscious of tendencies to shift your traumatic perception into a reality. Others are not obliged to love you unconditionally. You should be.

[pastelaspirations]

How I beat sleep paralysis with the power of knowledge and my compulsive habit to research anything that I have the off chance to write about in a fic

DISCLAIMER: This is just how I beat it, people's experiences of sleep paralysis are different and some methods that may work for one person may not work for another.

Ya read the title correctly. I expect no one to read this, but I don't care. I must tell my story. In my special, niche way in that I can construct a story out of absolutely nothing with 5k words more than I needed to. So, come with me, as I recount the tale of how I successfully beat my first experience with sleep paralysis, armed with only the power of knowledge and my bad habit to extensively research anything that I might stick in a fic one day.

For some background; I have never had sleep paralysis before. Although, I have done lots of research into it in the past because I found it very interesting, not only from people's real accounts of it but from the ✧˖°.memes✧˖°. too. Your good ol' sleep paralysis demon memes. I also thought it might be interesting to write about one day! And because I pride myself on being... fairly accurate, I do a whole lot of research into things I may never actually write about because "what if one day I want to-"

So, I had a lot of prior knowledge to sleep paralysis, including what helped people wake up from it.

Additionally, I have insomnia. :D I haven't gone to a doctor to get it "officially" diagnosed, but I checked every box on the insomnia checklist. It's depressing, I know. I've had it for as long as I can remember. This is important to know as sleep disorders can increase your chances of experiencing sleep paralysis.

Insomnia makes my life very fun. Any sound or light can wake me up. Sleeping in a different bed prevents me from sleeping altogether. Being moved at all wakes me up. I wake up every time I need to toss over in bed, for example. So, just... it's g r e a t.

Anyway, this semester, two days of the week, I have to wake up at 6 in the morning in order to make it to an 8 o'clock class. It's bad. So, the night before, I take melatonin and at least try and go to bed early, all to attempt to combat my insomnia. However, my insomnia also likes giving me the problem of making it extremely difficult for me to fall asleep if I know I have to be somewhere in the morning. So, the days I need the sleep the most are ironically the days I get the least amount of sleep. :D

That said. The night before, I took melatonin and hit the sack relatively early. I also used a sleep mask just to block out any light in hopes that would help me sleep better.

Well, at one point, I think I was asleep? I am not sure. I felt like I was awake and just trying to sleep. Like, that weird, half-asleep daze, but you're still awake and not fully asleep. You get what I mean.

Suddenly, I feel all this movement and I hear all this sound. It's annoying, but I don't remove my sleep mask because I'm trying to sleep. Well, for some reason, I'm convinced my dog is on my lap, just tossing and turning trying to sleep.

Which is weird because he sleeps in my brother's room down the hall.

This does not concern me. I don't know why. I just ignore my "dog" as he's shuffling to get comfortable. He'll lie still eventually and then I'll be able to sleep. I just gotta wait it out.

Then. My bed starts jostling around even more. Now, I'm convinced my brother is in my bed. I DO NOT KNOW WHY, HIS ROOM IS DOWN THE HALL, WE DO NOT SHARE A BED. BUT I'M CONVINCED HE'S ON MY BED, FLOPPING AROUND AND EVEN OFF THE BED. JUST MAKING A WHOLE LOT OF NOISE AND SHAKING THE ENTIRE BED. BEING AWFUL.

This also does not concern me. For some freaking reason. You can see why I thought I was asleep now, huh?

I wanted to gripe at him. Tell him to knock it off, I've got to be up early in the morning and I'm trying to sleep.

But my voice wouldn't work.

I wasn't even alarmed, just thought that was weird. So, I just lay there, comprehending that, when my "brother" flopped off the bed. He then started banging around everything in the freaking room. He was being obnoxiously loud. Ridiculously loud. Banging on the walls, grabbing crap and throwing it around, he was deliberately trying to keep me from sleeping.

Now, I was ticked. I wanted to yell at him, tell him to KNOCK IT OFF. But still, my vocal folds wouldn't move. I couldn't speak even though my brain told myself to. I wasn't alarmed even now, all I thought was "Fine. If I can't tell you to shut up, I can sure as hell whack you-"

But my arm wouldn't move.

Now, I was concerned. I told my arms to move. I told my legs to move. Nothing moved. I told myself to scream. I remained silent. It was like the connection from my brain to my body had been completely severed.

My "brother" seemed to sense my irritation? Since he came stomping over and started violently shaking me in my bed. I couldn't fight back or scream, I was powerless. Then, he started pressing down on my chest. N o w, I was having a harder and harder time breathing.

All of this, mind you, I was experiencing completely blind because I couldn't remove my sleep mask.

I was beginning to freak out. Not only did I think I was going to die, but my brother.

My freaking brother is the butthead who's going take me out, what the hell. What kind of stupid Greek tragedy is this-

So, as I'm lying there, still blind with the sleep mask, freaking out and slightly annoyed at this is the way I'm going to die, a thought suddenly flashes through my head. Just one, singular thought.

"Oh! This is just sleep paralysis!"

I kid you not, that is literally what I thought.

Suddenly, all my fear evaporated. I was no longer scared. I just immediately went right into the tactic I read people who experienced sleep paralysis use to wake themselves up from it. I didn't even hesitate, just immediately jumped into it like I discovered a solution to a hard video game puzzle.

I focused all my attention on moving just one muscle. If I could move that one muscle, I could slowly work my way to other muscles, until I could move the whole limb or the rest of my face. So, I chose one eyelid. The one that would be peeking out from under the sleep mask if it were open.

I commanded and I commanded my eyelid to open. I willed it to open, the strongest I ever willed it to open before. Until finally, it snapped open. All of a sudden, all the shaking by my "brother" and all the sounds abruptly stopped. It was like nothing had happened, I was alone in my room.

So, I... just flopped over and went back to sleep. As fast as an insomniac can fall asleep anyway. I remember thinking "wow, that was a lot less scary than I thought it'd be."

AND LIKE. IT WAS. BUT BEFORE I KNEW WHAT IT WAS.

As soon as I realized, I wasn't scared anymore. It makes me wonder what would have happened if I didn't have the sleep mask on. Would I have seen an actual sleep paralysis demon?? I had the auditory and physical movement hallucinations. Who's to say I wouldn't have had a visual one too if I didn't have the sleep mask on?

But imagine that. Imagine you're a sleep paralysis demon, you've got all the power, until suddenly, your victim thinks in revelation, "Oh! You're just a sleep paralysis demon! I know what to do now! :D"

J u s t a sleep paralysis demon. Defeated by the power of knowledge and the off chance of being written about in a fic.