#when i'm less tired and somehow even more neurodivergent

[based--ball]

they hop!

(July 4th, 2023)

[xecutivecucumber]

Executive Cucumber's thoughts on the Bad Batch episode 3×08 (spoilers after the cut)

Forgive me if these thoughts are less coherent than usually, I'm pretty freaking tired atm. Thoughts are as much in order as I can manage.

Firstly, this episode was a much needed, lower emotionally charged break from the last...seven episodes of the season. The thing about stories is that they can't be running at warp 9 the entire time. It will burn your audience out. Heck, I'm at a lower energy, transitiatory part of my long fic. So yeah, this episode didn't cause the emotional damage and stress that the last 7 did, but that's a good thing.

Omega has the neurodivergent ✨️leg jiggle✨️

Poor dear needs a hug and for someone to free the Tantiss clones.

PHEE MY QUEEN

Crosshair's face when Omega says 'liberator of ancient wonders' I love him.

Okay, I know that a lot of people are upset about Phee not being more emotional about Tech. I've got a few thoughts on that. My expectations going into the scene with her was that she wasn't going to be mentioning Tech. So when she did, I was really happy. She doesn't need to bring him up in the conversation, but she does.

So let's dive a little deeper into this. There are only two people who have brought up Tech without any prompting so far: Echo and Phee. Omega only mentions him when it's a direct answer to Crosshair's question. Hunter, Crosshair, and Wrecker have not mentioned him once by name. Now, I think this is because Echo and Phee have both known loss and know better how to handle it. The rest of the Batch hasn't, before Tech. We have watched practically all of Echo's loss, but not Phee's. However, we know that Pabu is a place for refugees, which Phee likely is. She's lost at least a home, if not family and friends. Add on top of that Phee is just in general a world wide person, and I think we can assume that she's someone who's got a more healthy way of processing grief than our emotionally stunted soldiers.

Something that you do with people that you've loved and lost is remember them. That's what I see Phee doing here. She's managed to process her grief in the last 4 months, and she's keeping the memory of someone she cared about alive by mentioning him in conversation.

So yeah. I liked that scene and it warmed my Tech/Phee loving heart.

Anyways,

Oooooh Fennec!!!

I love Crosshair not knowing anything but it also makes me sad.

Hunter: try to get Crosshair to get his hand looked at

Omega: what do you mean 'try'

Thoughts on Crosshair and Omega scenes:

What did my poor boy go through????

Poor man is probably resisting the idea that it's in his head because he already HAD a thing in his head that ruined his life

Omega: you don't like anything

Crosshair: true

Your honor I would die for them. Also I find his 'true' to be a little sad (and adorable)

OMG THEY'RE MEDITATING (and they have somehow stolen YET ANOTHER thing from my fic, this time before I've even gotten past the concept stage)

Omega: you missed a lot

Crosshair: I know

He's thinking of Tech in that moment.

Oh my gosh her hand on his and how he lets her move his hand THEY ARE TRYING TO KILL ME.

The Bad Batch says take care of your mental

Thoughts about Space Everglades:

I really loved Wrecker this episode. He really got to shine. He has the most banter with Fennec, he gets to do his demo thing, he freaking curb stomps space alligators, and he's the MVP in getting the bug man. It was really nice. Also, 'YOU HEARD ME!!!!' Let Wrecker go feral.

Bro, I really liked the bar music. I like seeing more of the music that plays in universe.

Wrecker and Hunter are definitely having flashbacks to Cid this entire episode. Except Fennec gives them more intel.

Fennec is a delight as always.

My prediction to who she's selling them out to? Ventress. And I don't think Ventress' intentions are bad.

So yeah, a solid episode! I'm honestly probably going to leave a lot of the star wars subreddits just to avoid everyone and their dog complaining about filler. Which this was NOT.

And as the next episode is called the Harbinger, I feel like this might be one of our last breaths before the plunge and everything goes sideways.

Oh, and in case you forgot. Tech lives ❤️

[lennsart]

what is the autism fic about?

this is starting to feel like bullying-WHOSE FEELINGS ARE ETTING HURT???

and b*tch are you okay, is someone having a breakdown in there omg FEED ME

Ooooo you really sniped two of my most dark fics out of the three you chose 😂

I've already answered about "This is starting to feel like bullying" so I'll answer for the other two !

Let's start with the softer one :

- The Autism fic

"The Autism fic" is about... What's in the title ! lmao

It is also one of the Legend-centric one, but everyone has an important role and will get their moment to shine :)

Directly from my notes :

"Everyone is autistic 🎉

Legend has been raised to hide and mask it, and is ""conditionned"" to think it's rude to let autistic traits show

So at first most of the Links are like "wow, what an asshole"

[...]

Time and Wars are going full parents mode, they want everyone to feel comfortable in the group, so they try to protect them from ableism... which Legend does without knowing what it is

So they don't get along well

Actually it's like :

Know they are autistic and what it means :

- Warriors (spent a lot of time researching trauma response and the way the brain worked after the war (firstly to help his friends))

- Time (learned the terms during the war)

- Four (not the exact word, but he knows about neurodivergence)

Know they are "different" :

- Hyrule

- Sky

- Legend

Never really thought about it :

- Twilight (when he was a rancher it perfectly met his needs (I'm sure petting goats when you're overwhelmed is like THE remedy) and afterwards, some people were rude in castletown but he thought it was because he was a villager)

- Wind (is seen as a hyperactive and curious kid but not really more)

Wild is special because he knows, but also think it's because of the 100 years sleep thing ? And who cares, he saved the world and spend most of his time alone anyway."

I have the story planned out and a few scenes written, but it's mostly ideas and random scenes, it's far from being done (and not the wip I'm working on right now !)

Basically, in the downfall timeline people get more scared of difference and intolerant (maybe even because the fallen hero was autistic and they're like "well look how that turned out", but it's... A pretty sad idea). So Legend has been raised to hide it, and have constently been told that the way he acted (stimming, questionning social cues and stuff) was rude, unproper, and more importantly, dangerous for him.

I'll put the beginning here, because it summarize the whole thing pretty well, but I'm sorry for the length of this answer zhehhzehbhbezhez

Snippet :

"Apparently, the weirdness was a hero thing. 

Legend was quite puzzled upon this discovery. He had thought his whole life that the weird was a 'him' thing, and a bad one. That what was natural to him was very rude and that he needed to change it.

[...]

He was used to conceal.

He was used to act, smile and look in the eyes and laugh with everyone else. He was used to control, checking every few minutes if his hands were still and quiet. He was used to pretend to be like everyone else, and to be able to release those barriers when he was home, to collapse for an hour or so in his room, in the dark and under his covers.

Somehow, when he traveled during quests, he got surprised to note that he was less tired from a day of walking and exploring than from a day in town. Somehow he felt more like himself when he was alone on the road and bouncing on his feet when he saw a fun animal that he had never seen before.

Somehow, he had associated that feeling with travels.

And he was quickly understanding, as he spent time with other heroes, that he should have associated it with being alone.

He couldn't rest. Well, no, he could rest, they slept on the road and they didn't overwork themselves, but he couldn't rest like he did at home. 

Because everyone would see, and it wasn't because they had some of the weird that they would accept all of his.

The first few days, he managed. He had met the heroes while in a bad mood, and didn't bother to force any smile he didn't want to. They categorized him as grumpy, and not only was that fair, "grumpy" was an incredibly easier role to act on than "agreeable".

(Probably because it was less polite, but... It was a bit late to be, and they didn't seem to mind too much.)

But after a while, it started to wear him out.

He joked less and mocked more. He was more tired and thus less considerate. He didn't manage his tone as well, nor his facial expressions.

He played with his rings a lot (which was an acceptable way to let out some steam, he had found out while observing adults in town, but only as long as it didn't become obsessive). He felt frustrating needs to just gesticulate nonsensically until his body felt less stiff, less foreign, more... Right.

He didn't feel right, was what it was.

And he resented the other heroes for not making any effort."

- Bitch are u okay

I want to clarify one thing : when a wip have a funny title, most of the time they are speaking to me !

"This is starting to feel like bullying" meant bullying towards Legend, that I kept writing whump about.

So the question "bitch are u okay" is directed towards ME, and the answer is no :D (at least when I started writing this)

This is legit the heaviest wip I worked on :)

To put it simply, Legend is depressed, very much so, and Dark Link feeds off the heroes' negative feelings. This doesn't mix well as you can guess !

The first part of the fic would be a descent to hell. Poor Lege is already struggling, and the more he tries to make an effort and do things, the more he feels like he messes up. So why try at all ?

I think I have written about darker themes, but the fact that this is often Legend's POV makes it kind of... Hard to read, in a way ?

I only write on this wip when I'm either in a good mood and know it won't affect me, or when I struggle and need to vent, no in-between because then it would make me feel down.

And, yeah, Legend is having a breakdown in this one. A big one 😅

But what is important to me is that the second part of the fic is about healing. It's about how having a good support system helps, how healing isn't linear but progress is always progress. It's not just a vent fic, I want Lege to get better, dammit !

The thing is, I like "healing" as a theme for my fictions, and the next long fic I plan on posting also speaks about this (with a twist). I just don't know if I should fuse those two fics (but I'll lose some of what makes them special in both cases) or if I should just assume that I'm always writing the same stories in different fonts 😆

I don't have a big snippet for this one, but just to set the tone, it starts like this :

" It's just one of those days.

Legend wakes up, barely opens his eyes, and suddenly, existing is too hard.

Getting up and eating and talking with friends sounds like torture. Having to wait for the night to be able to curl up under his covers is already an ordeal, and for Nayru's sake he's not even out of his bedroll yet. "

(I'm sorry for the length of this post oh my god now THAT is rambling)

[koffeinvergiftung]

Tips for studying as a struggling adult

I often see tips for studying and building routines, but they often help me for only a day or two, but never long run. Most of them are also oriented towards students, and the schedule won't work if you have a full time job while studying.

Note: I am neurodivergent (AuDHD), and have been struggling with mental and physical health for most of my student years, to the point where I had to drop out of University to focus on myself. These tips will be a mixture of what has helped me in high school, and what helps me now.

1. Having a routine is good, but missing your 'checklist' is not the end of the world

Having a full time job means there is a 'must do' every day, no matter what other plans I might have. What I usually do is try to work my study plans around my work schedule.

Morning shift: I come home around 1.30, so at around 3 I will start with revision, or new lecture (depending on the day). During revision, I will take a break after every 'section' (for example: vocab practice - break - sentence practice - break - revision review). If I'm starting a new lecture, I will usually take a break every 45 minutes, to mimic the classroom schedule I had when I was in school. Usually I will do my Duolingo lecture on the to, during my break, or before bed.

Afternoon shift: I try to wake up around 9, and I do my Duolingo practice while having breakfast. After that I do my revision/new lecture, and I try to study until at least 11-11.30. After work I will do some more revision, and get ready for bed.

I always spend my evenings on call with my partner, so I will also use that time to ask for help with grammar or pronunciation.

This routine helps me, BUT, there will always be days when I don't feel like doing anything, especially is work has been extra tiring that day. Then I will just do my Duolingo daily quests, and if I'm feeling like it, some vocab review.

It's okay to not be okay, if you feel like you need a break, please take some time for yourself. There is always tomorrow, or even next week. Go easy on yourself ♡

2. Make your free time count

With work and studying, it's easy to forget about your hobbies and social life. To avoid the burnout, try to fine some time every day to do what you enjoy (drawing, reading, gaming etc.) Even if you spend more time on your hobbies than studying, that's okay.

Another thing I do is take a few minutes every say to tidy up around my room. Somehow ( no idea how), trash such as papers quickly acclimate in my room, so if I don't deal with trash on a daily basis, it eventually turns into a depression room. And those are nearly impossible to deal with for me.

Make sure to keep in touch with your friends, too! I try to go out at least once a week, and sometimes turn that coffee into a study session. Those often help me stay focused, and we also talk about the material while studying.

3. Mental health matters more than your studies

I often see posts that romanticise 'working until you drop', sleep deprivation, caffeine overdose and similar. Please, please, PLEASE, take care of yourself! I used to be that way in high school, and sure, passing my classes with an A, felt amazing, but you know what didn't? Suffering a complete burnout, mental breakdown, and major issues with physical health, all withing less than six months. All due to overworking myself in highschool, all due to not taking care of myself. Remember, you can always retake the exam, or redo a year; you cannot redo your life.

When I'm feeling a burnout coming, I make sure to take a day or two just for myself; no studying, to revision, just me and myself. On those days you can do whatever makes you feel happy, relaxed and content. I usually watch a few episodes of a show, spend some time playing video games, and spend some time outside. Especially if it's a nice day outside, try to catch a few rays of sunshine every day, and especially if you're not feeling well (don't forget to wear sun protection!)

These are the tips that help me now, but most of these I couldn't really implement while I was in high school. I will do another post on how I studied before (over 5 years ago 🫣), and how I raised my grades. I'm also planning on writing (and maybe illustrating) about the way I study now, including taking notes and revising.

[crimeronan]

hi thank you! no worries if it’s a short answer or if you don’t have an answer. basically i had a session with a psychologist and from what i told her of my symptoms she brought up bipolar. i know it might be possible i have cyclothymia, but I also have adhd (which i know is often misdiagnosed as bipolar) so I’m concerned i might somehow be creating a problem i don’t have or just confused. i have always had issues with paranoia, mood swings, and some low-ish empathy, which i always assumed was the adhd or ocd or just. symptoms, since ofc diagnosed arent boxes and all that. I just feel reluctant to pay for another session, since i’m wary of therapy and even warier of wasting my money and there have been nothing wrong at all and i’m just being dramatic & could just handle my symptoms with willpower like i always have. i know something has been feeling Wrong for a while, like a little less than a year ? but I just don’t know. I suppose I’m asking if it’s worth asking? If I’m functional and things aren’t clear, should I just leave well enough alone?

my response here might be slightly different from mainstream advice -- what i'm SUPPOSED to tell you is that you should seek diagnosis and therapy at all costs, because therapy fixes everything. however given my famed struggles with medical and psychiatric bias, i will instead give a slightly more nuanced:

i think if you're at a point of feeling Wrong then you're also probably at a point of needing something to change, just for quality of life purposes. for me personally it's dangerous to be without my bipolar medication, but that's not true for Every bipolar person.

it's true that your symptoms could be related to other neurodivergencies given the overlap between things and the imperfectness of psychiatry itself -- but it's ALSO true that sometimes we downplay our own symptoms and things that feel Bad. MOST of the time when i or people i know have said "i think i'm just making up a problem i don't have," you do in fact have a problem. it might not turn out to be the same problem you originally thought it was! but it sure is there

i think it would be worthwhile to look at online forums and subreddits for people with bipolar and see if anyone's experiences resonate; i also think there's a lot of self-learning that can be done by studying other people's coping mechanisms and thought processes. this is a big part of how i've DIYed my own symptom management

i think that if you feel another session would be helpful then you should do it. i think it's perfectly acceptable to do your own online research and thinking before you decide. and if you're not clicking with the first psychologist i would INSIST on reading reviews of practitioners and scheduling with one who has positive reviews from bipolar and adhd patients (and who takes your insurance, if you're american). cause a decent healthcare practitioner can make the difference between a stressful tiring traumatizing experience and a very validating worthwhile good one that's great for your quality of life.

best of luck!

[mogai-sunflowers]

I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS SO MUCH. I am an autistic person and honestly, I felt like an idiot for many years for not being able to understand most things. Like, it's hard to research, I know the basics but everyone seems to know everything and I feel like I don't even have the right to have an opinion on the subject because I literally don't know every detail of it, EXCEPTIONALLY political.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! like i've seen so many people be blatantly fucking ableist and acting like intensely academic political posts are just automatically easy to understand. i try so hard to understand nuanced social dynamics surrounding things like gender, race, disability, i try SO HARD!!! but i get it wrong so much because i genuinely can't understand many things that most people understand. i never mean to offend anyone or anything but come on, people need to understand that you don't have to be good at language, social cues, socializing, or political stuff to still give a crap about social justice. i'm absolutely terrified of ever mentioning my autism in relation to this because i'm sure i'd get a hundred messages telling me i'm weaponizing my neurodivergence to avoid accountability but the thing is, whenever i make a mistake, sometimes it IS because of my autism! autistic people are allowed to make mistakes and discuss why they made it being their autism. it's not inherently wrong to bring up connections between mistakes you've made and the way they were impacted by your autism. i would never be like "omg i'm incapable of doing anything wrong because im autistic so if you criticize me ur ableist" and i feel like that's how people see autistics. we're either perfect at everything and beyond criticism, or we're babies who just use our autism to avoid accountability. and don't get me wrong, that's something people do. there are absolutely white autistics who use their autism to avoid accountability for being racist, cis/straight autistics who use their autism to avoid accountability for being queerphobic, etc. but that doesn't mean that it's always for that reason. there have been times when i've said something inappropriate race and queer-wise because i didn't understand a particular social context that is literally impossible for me to understand. i apologized for what i said/did, but people were angrier at the fact that i didn't understand a social norm than they were at the fact that i acted inappropriately. it shows that people care so much more about the aesthetics of social justice than about actually giving a fuck about the people they claim to support.

another thing that drives me up a wall is when someone offers a public apology for something they did, and literally everyone breaks down every part of the apology to try and "prove" that the person didn't mean it and was just trying to escape being called out. because literally all of that seemingly sound "analysis" is literally just "did they say the right thing for this social situation" which is literally fucking hard and sometimes impossible for neurodivergent and specifically autistic people. social justice has been my biggest passion since i was literally 5 but somehow i feel less valuable and like a horrible person just because i don't always know how to express it and it's so tiring to feel like i don't belong in a place that is supposed to care about me. other things factor into it too, like i feel isolated from social justice spaces because of my queerness and body too, but a lot of it is my autism that makes it so hard. also the way so many social justice posts are like. long ass posts with no tldrs is like. fucking impossible for me to read but then people are like "you can't even read a post this proves you don't care about people" i fucking hate it. sorry for ranting anon i just feel you so much. if you ever need any help understanding something or need support or to rant or anything i'm always here, cuz this is seriously frustrating. but i can promise you that you're not bad for not understanding some things. you deserve to feel free in having your own opinions and beliefs and no one should feel they have the right to make you feel any different.

TLDR: Not everyone understands social nuances as easily as others. Not everyone has the ability to always discern what is appropriate for every social context. Autistic people can bring up their autism and how it impacts them without it being them trying to escape accountability. Autism is not shameful, and these things are natural, not bad. We still deserve love and acceptance in leftist spaces. Please respect us.

[sonarpup]

mental health writing 10/10/21 4pm

CW: Mental health stuff, obv. Nothing too specific.

Somehow introspection recently feels like wading through blood

Water

Mud

Thoughts carried by the wake, dragged under

Millimeters

Minutes

Miles from where they should be

Surfacing in the wrong places

Times

Relating to the wrong people

The wrong thoughts

Confusing associations

Unshakable no matter how long I seem to wait

It feels like this wading; no,

Swimming

Drowning

Struggling

Yet it isn't that difficult to continue

My body feels... aside

A tired shell

Unharmed, yet sore all the same

Another body wades through my mind

Tries to piece things together, but the pieces only ever float, always to be pushed apart and away by the motion

Some things feel like they cause a heatwave

The surface of the water

The mud

The blood

Heating

Maybe drying

Maybe cooking

Like an electric blanket left on too long

By someone drifting to sleep

Dreaming

Hoping

Wishing for warmth once more

Or like my dark clothes

Soaked in the summer sun of my youth

Sitting considering my thoughts

Trying to remember

Or to relate

Or to recognize

The things that might be wrong

Unhealthy

Incorrect

Damaging

Destructive

Manipulative (of others? Or of myself)

Mindless, harmless, innocuous thoughts

Though who gets to determine that?

Is it innocuous to consider the things I do?

To imagine the events I sometimes think of

Not quite hoping, but considering the thought of hoping

---

Are they wrong?

A thing I should feel guilt for?

They're never something I can act on

But it feels wrong all the same

A deep poison

Do I lie to myself?

That empathy is the primary goal I have?

That connection is the primary thing I seek?

That intimacy is my lone ambition?

I wish to grow close to people

I try as hard as I can to aid them

I try as hard as I can to avoid harm

I try so hard

Do I try hard enough?

Is it that I need to do more?

Or would that simply make failure so much worse?

Is it that I need to care less?

Closing myself off never seems to work

Yet

It sometimes feels like avoiding that harm is impossible

My head is a mess

Odds are this is seen by few others

If any others

That's probably for the best

Half art

Half crash

Dissociated yet so very present

Hurting, suffering, struggling

Yet feeling little beyond this struggle against the contents of my head.

Things I've not discussed before

Or have, but long ago

Things that have become background

That seem natural

Inherent

Is it neurodivergence that causes my view to be the way it is?

Mental illness?

Is it who I am?

Or my trauma?

Am I distinct from that?

Or are some of these inherent to me?

The way in which I view closeness seems so distant from the way others do

The way I view myself is distinct, too

I'm considered sweet

Kind

Caring

Loving

And yet, never enough

Or, often, too much

Simultaneously causing harm, for a lack of care

And caring too much to avoid being harmed in turn

Intent is the thing I always tell myself

But negligence is just as harmful

It can hurt just as much

Maybe even more

But when I can't recall the pain I've caused

When I'm not conscious of it, unaware

It feels all too easy, with no intent, to lose track

To cause it again

And things collapse

There is no moment in which I am not thinking of those around me

No moment where I am not thinking of someone's

Face

Touch

Embrace

Yet those thoughts, after harm, become... not quite tainted

But concerned

In a way I can't explain

If I express my own hurt

Will they disappear

I want them to remain

But I need to express the way I've been made to feel

It seems unavoidable

This failure

This collapse

When the simplest thing can cause so much pain

In relating my mood to my doctor

And the struggle in recognizing my dysfunction

I described gunpowder

Wet gunpowder can withstand a spark. Maybe several. Maybe open flame, briefly.

Dry gunpowder takes little to set alight.

It's gone in a flash, an explosion.

Sometimes my gunpowder is wet

Kept that way, by reassurances, or by confidence

Maybe warranted, maybe not.

But sometimes it dries out

And an innocuous spark

A stray ember

Falls

Everything is gone in a flash

And the smoke obscures everything

Including the offending match