#which is a combination of 1) me not reading the lyrics to follow along

[sheshanty]

temporarily overcome with the need to know what italian power metal band Great Master thinks of gay people

[kiarabanetmi]

“Poison” and how it speaks to all types of abuse

Hi there! I’m posting again. This is a small analysis/commentary on how the song Poison from Hazbin Hotel describes not just sexual and drug abuse, but other types of abuse as well. If you haven’t seen Hazbin Hotel or haven’t heard the song, I’ve put a link to the song below. Even if you don’t watch the show the song is amazing and I highly recommend it. Note: this is not the official episode music video, which is triggering to people, this is the before episode release version.

I also made another post earlier on my opinions on episode 4 of Hazbin Hotel. Give it a read!

Ok, so I’m going to cover some very specific lines and moments in the song. The majority of my analysis focuses on verse two and the the final verse.

This song at its core is about abuse. Angel Dust’s type of abuse is a combination of largely S/A along with physical and verbal Abuse by his pimp Valentino. But if you analyze these lyrics, this song speaks to all types of abuse and abuse victims and/or survivors, except for a few lines that are highly specific depending on situations. I’m going to focus on how this song can speak to domestic abuse victims, myself specifically. If you do not feel comfortable hearing about the following triggers then please scroll on and have a good day. You have been warned.

So context before I get into this: I was raised with a mentally ill parent as well as victim of my other parent’s former Fiance who also verbally and emotionally abused but the two of us. My mentally ill parent suffers from untreated unconventional borderline personality disorder, known as BPD. My other parent’s ex Fiance suffers from grandiose narcissistic personality disorder, known as NPD. I am no longer in contact with the ex Fiance and have no plans to see them ever again. However, I am still suffering from my parent with BPD, specifically over the holiday. We had a major fight because they believe my other parent is truly the abuser in their reality and by taking their side, I was starting to abuse them as well. This has caused me to (at least temporarily) cut off the unhealthy parent and live with the other one full time. And the unhealthy parent is a master at verbal, emotional and psychological manipulation.

Now getting onto the actual song:

Whenever I listen to the back half of verse 1 into the first chorus, I really relate to the lyrics through personal experience. It starts at the following line:

“I shoulda known that this would happen,

“I shoulda known it when I looked into your red-hot eyes

“Spewin’ all your red hot lies”

Now let’s go back to the lyrics and how it relates to me. As part of their BPD, this is especially true, and true for those who are involved with family/spouses/loved ones who are verbally and emotionally abusive. I believe any person who has different under an abuser will relate to this simple like. At some point we know the pattern, we know the signs for when we “fucked up” as it were. And we know at some point, consciously or unconsciously, that our abuser is lying.

“What’s the worst part of this hell?

“I can only blame myself.”

This line can be relatable depending on the type abuse you suffer from. In Angel’s case, he signed his soul away (literally) to his abuser. In a way I do that with my abuser every time I choose to go see them and enter that unhealthy environment. The problem for me personally is that BPD does have patterns but I find myself surprised and shocked by them. Know that now I am doing research to try and learn how to properly deal with family members with BPD, but that personality disorder does not excuse the abuse I suffer from t I’ll his parent. Mental illness is NOT an excuse for inflicting abuse, even if it’s as complex or rarely treated like BPD. But every time I go back into that environment I can only blame myself for entering that hell willingly again. Because despite the pain I know they will inflict upon me at some point, I still love my abuser. I imagine this is a similar mindset to what other victims of domestic abuse feel as well. We walk back to our abusers, usually choosing to because we still love our abuser and hope they’ll change and this time they’re telling the truth.

But that’s usually not the case.

“Cause I know you’re poison,

“You’re feeding me poison

“Addicted to this feeling I can’t help but swallow up your poison

“I made my choice and

“Every night I’m living like there’s no tomorrow.”

In my situation I relate to this line INCREDIBLY hard. It’s not just my unstable parent who is abusive. That side of my family has a long cycle of generational abuse that I am trying to break away from. But because I grew up in that situation, despite now knowing how bad and unhealthy it is, it’s what I’m used to. And unfortunately, I am used to or addicted to that chaos. For the past few months I have lived with my healthier parent and during that time, I have developed a non-chaotic, healthy lifestyle. Growing up everything was constantly shifting and changing based on the needs/wants of my unhealthy parent, since I was predominantly in their custody in my youth. Because of this, I grew up used to that chaos, considering it normal and fine, until I was shown another alternative by my other parent when they filed for custody and finally got rid of their own abusive fiancé. But because of the way I grew up, I became used to the chaos, and every time I go back to visit my abusive parent, I run the risk of falling under their spell. And unfortunately, more often than not, I do fall for it. And when I do fall for it, I fall into survival mode once again. This means that in a sense I’m “living like there’s no tomorrow”, like Angel. I don’t think about the consequences of anything other than escalating the situation, of making sure I make it out of there without some sort of fight or confrontation.

“I got so good at being untrue,

“I got so good at telling you what you want to hear,

“I disassociate disappear”

When I enter this survival mode, as I’m sure many other abuse victims and survivors do, I tend to lose myself for a time. I become someone else in order to be who my abuser wants me to be. In my personal case, I end up regressing to a smaller helpless child (not literally, but my body language does, as an unhealthy form of self soothing, being untrue and becoming who they want me to be: someone they control. I tell them what they want to hear, usually that they are right or that their pain is valid and nothing is their fault because they are the victim (which in my parent’s case of BPD is a reality that they ACTUALLY believe). Half the time when my abuser parent is tearing into me or trying to make me feel guilty or into he the bad guy (with depressingly frequent success rates), I tend to enter a sort of humble stage. I disassociate until it’s my turn to speak. I disappear for a while until it’s safe to come back out and say or do something. And when I do disassociate it’s awful. I lose small chunks of time. This has not happened yet outside of these instances of interaction with my abuser, thank goodness, but it is still dangerous to disassociate too often. I’m sure survivors of all types of abuse have disassociated at least once in their time with their abuser.

“So far beyond difficult to resist another gulp.”

Since I grew up so used to this behavior and pattern, it is like fighting my own nature to try to stand up and not fall for the lies. It’s so hard because I still love my abuser but because of their illness and their refusal to acknowledge it or seek real treatment this pattern is unending. It’s hard to resist swallowing down the poison they force in my face and flood me with. In my case, unlike Angel, my form of poison is in a pool, slowly raising towards my mouth, and I struggle not to get it not. And I imaging that’s what most other victims of abuse also feel like. That physical, emotional, sexual, psychological abuse is a poison that if left unchecked or stayed near to long will eventually kill us, either minor abuser’s action or our own.(Note, at the end of this post I have posted links the contact information of various services to help people in these situations, at least for those in the United States). Angel’s situation is also like that too, but he’s also drugged and forced to take poison by Valentino.

“My story’s going to end with me dead from your poison.”

This line hit me hardest out of everything in the song. During the latest fight with my parent, they tore into me overall and so brutally that for the first time in my life, I truly contemplated suicide as a better alternative. The verbal and mental poison they fed me for so long overwhelmed me and I felt myself wanting to die from it. I am not suicidal now, but it was an overwhelming feeling of pain, hopelessness, feeling trapped with no escape (at one point literally when I threatened to go drinking and they blocked the door, which is a tricky situation). If I hadn’t gotten out of then not already had the support system in place that I spend years setting up and learning to build, I may not be making this post right now. And there’s thousands of others like me who are still stuck in that pool of poison, but have already choked too much and succumbed to it. Never forget them.

“Poison, I’m sick of the poison,

“Im filling up my glass but it’s always hollow

“Full of poison, I’m sick of the poison,

“Wish I had something to live for tomorrow.”

And like Angel here, I’m sick of the poison as well, and every other abuse victim of any type can relate to this. At some point nothing helps anymore when you are stuck in the situation long enough. There’s no escape, and everything is hollow. There was a time when I was like this as well. My abuser had isolated me from nearly everyone else in my life save for my healthy parent, and it nearly broke me. But I found a reason to live for tomorrow at the time.

And I hope you can too. If you are reading this and relate to my story, or you heard this song and related to it in some way, then please know you are not alone. This song is not just a bop, it’s a real look at the kind of a severely abused victim that we don’t always see.

If you or your loved one are being by abused in some way, you are not alone. Here are some resources if you are in danger and need to call for help:

The Suicide Hotline: 988

The National Domestic Abuse Hotline:

The National Sexual Assault Hotline:

Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Parents

[thedroneranger]

Just Can't Take It

Jake "Hangman" Seresin

Précis: Part 2 of I Can Make It. Night 1 was a family friendly affair, but Night 2, alone in a cabin...

Note: This is a follow-up shot for a fic written for @notroosterbradshaw’s #hello december playlist challenge. Song is One More Sleep by Leona Lewis—fic title pulled from lyrics. Can be read as a standalone or as a companion to I Can Make It.

Special shout out to @cherrycola27 for encouraging me to follow up the sweet I Can Make It with some spice. 😉

Warnings: 18+ only, smut.

Word count: 2.5k

Jake did his best to keep you in bed Christmas morning, but you lured him downstairs for breakfast with your family with the promise of breakfast (you) in bed every morning at the cabin. 

You arrived during the late morning, and then spent the afternoon shoveling so you could reach the front door. You and Jake were the first visitors of the season and this had been the biggest snowfall thus far. 

Once inside, Jake focused on building a fire while you stocked supplies. Then you made lunch while Jake prepared warm drinks spiked with top-shelf whiskey your father gifted him. 

The fire was doing its best to warm the cabin, but a chill still hung in the air. You huddled together on the overstuffed sofa with a pile of blankets and sipped hot toddies. Still unable to shake the chill, you shedded your clothing so your shared body heat had a better chance to warm you.

Drinks abandoned on the nearest end table, you and Jake lay on the couch. You tucked between his legs with your back against his chest and a faded quilt wrapped around you both. Underneath, Jake’s knuckles lazily skimmed along your thighs and hips. Your temple rested against his cheek, and every so often he would turn to press a kiss to it.

His steady breathing was almost enough to lull you to sleep. However, you kept fighting, not wanting to miss a moment with him. Finally, you succumbed to the combination of fire warmth, Jake’s body heat and his loving caresses.

Hours later, you woke up alone on the couch still swathed in the faded quilt you had shared with Jake earlier. It was dark outside, but the fire bathed the cabin in a warm glow. Sitting up and wiping the sleep from your eyes, you could see Jake’s silhouette highlighted by the flames of the fire as he stoked it. 

Soaking in all his angles and edges, you watched him in silence. Finally, he turned and noticed you were awake. “Hey, sleeping beauty.” He paired the greeting with his radiant smile. Sans shirt, he had pulled on sweatpants that hung low on his waist, highlighting his Adonis belt.

The fire had finally chased the chill from the cabin and the heat made the air thick. Pushing yourself up from the couch, you let the quilt pool around you on the floor. Wearing just your bra and panties, you headed for your suitcase and pulled out your favorite oversized chunky knit sweater. 

Pulling it over your head, you padded toward the kitchen where Jake was refreshing your drinks. You wrapped an arm around his waist and ducked under his arm. He made room for you as he garnished the mugs with lemon slices. His free hand crept under the hem of your sweater, resting on your hip.

You pressed a kiss to the underside of his jaw, snagged a mug off the counter and slipped out of his grasp. Looking over your shoulder, you found Jake trailing you to the couch. Sipping your toddy, you sank into the sofa. He mirrored your actions.

Your drink was almost gone, when you reached across Jake to rest it on the table beside the couch. Then, you climbed into his lap, facing him and placing his cup beside yours. His hands came to rest on the tops of your thighs, while your fingers laced behind his neck. One of your thumbs traced his jaw, which you felt clench under your touch. “I still can’t believe you’re here.” Your eyes searched his face. 

The corners of his mouth pulled into a closed-lip smile and he let his hands rest on your backside. “I’m here, and I’m all yours,” he replied. A small gasp fell from your lips when he palmed your ass to pull you closer. Then, one hand shifted to the small of your back, while the other crept up under your sweater to expertly unfasten your bra, and then hugged your ribcage to pull you as close as possible.

You unraveled yourself from him, pulling your arms into your sweater to shed your bra. Poking your arms back through your sleeves, you dropped the undergarment to the floor. You shifted to the side of his lap and hooked your arm over his shoulder, letting your elbow rest against his back. Your other hand found a home on his neck—your nails skimming across the delicate skin, and then your palm coming to rest on the side, so your thumb could graze the column of his throat. Jake hummed so you felt the vibrations.

The flat of your tongue stamped his bottom lip, and then you pulled back. Jake chased you, looking for a full kiss. Finally, you gave in, pressing your lips to his while applying light pressure to his neck. He groaned and parted his lips to allow your tongue into his mouth. “You’re such a tease,” Jake stated as you pulled away again. 

He patted your butt and, begrudgingly, you slipped off his lap onto the couch. He stood and began to gather the blankets and pillows you’d been using. Curiously, you watched as he threw them all on the floor in front of the fireplace. Once you realized what he was doing, you walked over to help. 

Before you knew what was happening, he wrapped his arm around your thigh and hauled you down. You tumbled gently into the nest of bedding with his hand cradling your head. You stared at him as he knelt on all fours over you.

Your gaze dropped—his sweatpants did nothing to hide his hard-on. You moved so your knee grazed him. He grunted, which caused you to smile and do it again. “Honey…” his southern drawl was thick. 

Leaning up, you peppered kisses on his chest. Your teeth sank into the fleshy top of his peck. Then, you moved further south to capture one of his nipples. Lazily, your tongue swirled around it, and then you gently tugged with your teeth.

Jake growled and tangled a hand in your hair, pulling your head back so he could return the favor on your neck. You moaned as he pressed hot wet kisses to it. He only untangled his hand from your hair to get you out of your sweater. You giggled and helped him to ensure your garment kept its shape. 

Being with you for the first time in almost a year had Jake taking his time. His gaze raked over every inch of your body and his hands explored all your curves. You leaned into his touches and gave soft whimpers. Jake trailed kisses along your chest and stomach. His thumbs hooked in the sides of your panties and pulled them down as he continued his kiss parade along your legs. Once your panties were off, he quickly ridded himself of his sweats and boxer briefs. 

Jake dropped to his elbows and captured your lips with his. Your arms snaked around his shoulders, your nails sinking into his flesh. In response, his teeth sank into your lower lip and his hips dropped so his weight pinned you to the floor. You rested your heels on the small of his back, enjoying his heaviness.

His mouth moved to your neck, and you felt his teeth sink into your flesh. Your nails dug deeper into his shoulders and he groaned. You arched into him and combed a hand through his hair, letting your nails massage his scalp. He pulled back so you could look at each other. Your hand slid down the back of his head and rested on his neck—you let your nails sink in a little.

Jake lifted himself off you, which made you groan in disappointment. He snagged a couple pillows and tapped your hips, which you rose for him to situate them underneath. Then, he lowered himself between your legs, keeping eye contact with you as he kissed the insides of your thighs. You groaned again, this time slightly frustrated his mouth was everywhere except where you were dripping. 

You knew what he wanted, so you gave him a nod of permission. Putting his mouth to your cleft, he let saliva drip down your clit, and then he blew on it to heighten the sensation. You fisted the blankets and tried to keep from bucking your hips. He smirked at your reaction and went back to kissing your thighs. 

Looking for revenge, you closed your legs around his head. He smiled and ran his hands from the hinge of your hips to your kneecaps. Gently, he splayed your legs open. “My favorite earmuffs.” You gasped when you felt his teeth nip your thigh. Enjoying your response, he did it again and again. You would definitely be purple tomorrow.

Finally, his mouth was on your soaking core, and the sounds that left your mouth egged him to keep going. To put you over the edge, he laved his tongue back and forth from your clit to your entrance. Then his tongue delved into you before repeating the same motions in the opposite direction. Jake kept his mouth on your bundle of swollen nerves, sucking as your orgasm crashed through you. You sat up slightly and used his hair as reins while you rode your pleasure wave. 

Once it was over, you laid back and he climbed up to press his lips to yours so you could taste yourself. While you made out, you licking your arousal off his face, you could feel how hard he was each time his length bumped you. 

Distracted by your tongue, Jake barely noticed he was now underneath you. You scooted so his cock was between his stomach and your slick folds. His hands lazily rested on your thighs as you rocked back and forth along his length. He closed his eyes and sighed. A small smile graced your lips as you watched him. After a few minutes, you used a hand to seamlessly guide him into you. 

Thanks to the fire warmth, a sheen of sweat covered you both and made it easier for your bodies to glide against one another. You ground your hips into him as you leaned forward and steadied yourself with your hands on his chest. He watched you through hooded eyes, occasionally peering down to where your bodies connected. “Like fucking velvet,” he gushed. One hand on your hip, the other laid against your soft stomach. You watched him as his thumb swirled circles around your belly button. 

“What are you thinking?” You had an idea but wanted to hear it from him.

Jake moved his head so he was looking directly at you. “Let’s make a mini-you,” he suggested.

You smiled at the way he phrased it. “What if I want a mini-you?” You kept eye contact but slowed your movements. 

He shrugged. “We can make two.”

“Would a mini increase the odds that you always come home?” you asked cheekily. 

His signature smile appeared as the hand on your stomach sank lower so his thumb could swirl circles on your clit. You shuddered and leaned into his hand, closing your eyes and enjoying yourself. 

“You’re reason enough, honey.” He swapped the pad of his thumb for the knuckle, and you whimpered at the sensation change. “But, a mini would be a cherry on top,” he replied with some twang. He knew his accent drove you wild—you nearly came just from his voice.

You were ready to fall apart on his cock, but held yourself together. Your forearms met his chest as you leaned so you were face-to-face. Jake’s hands toured the curve of your back, and then one came to rest on your ass while the other settled at the nape of your neck. 

“Well…” Jake’s eyes widened and his grip on your neck involuntarily tightened. “I had my IUD removed right after you left.” Relief washed over Jake’s face. “I wanted to be ready because I was hoping we would get started on making minis when you got back.”

Jake managed to flip you over so you were back underneath him, nestled into the blanket pile. You swiped a couple loose hairs off his forehead and brought your hand to rest on the back of his neck. “Next time you come home, let’s make it to me and our child.” You leaned up and kissed his forehead. 

He responded by capturing your lips as you pulled back. You draped your arms around his neck and wrapped your legs around his waist as he began to roll his hips into you. Then, you pressed your lips to your favorite spot below his ear. He growled, which made you clench around him. His head dropped, and his teeth sank into the soft spot between your neck and shoulder. You snarled and dragged your nails down his back.

You lovingly battered and bruised each other. You might have to stay a couple extra days at the cabin so your bruises and bites could heal. Jake’s ego wouldn’t allow him to finish before making you come at least one more time. Jake was one of few men in your lifetime that made you come with simultaneous penetration and clitoral stimulation. His no-fail method was angling his hips back to hit your g-spot with each thrust and laving attention on your swollen clit with a free hand—his calloused fingers felt electric.

Jake took advantage of you shuddering around him and found a rhythm for his own release. You dug your heels into the dimples of Jake’s ass as he came. He laid his body weight on you, tucking his face in the crook of your neck as he finished. Basking in the warmth of the fire, he soaked while you trailed your fingers around his scalp. 

A smile pulled your lips as Jake pressed kisses behind your jaw. You grumbled as he pushed himself off you—you hated the emptiness. “C’mon.” He held your hands to pull you to your feet. Together, you shuffled to the bathroom to clean up.

Jake hand bathed you with a warm washcloth. He thoroughly inspected his handiwork, including fingering his cum back into you when the first drop dribbled down your thigh. Once you were both clean, he carried you bridalstyle to the bed. He tossed your sweater at you while he put on sweatpants. Then he positioned a pillow about where your hips would lay on the bed. 

You settled into the bed, and Jake snuggled you into his side so you were under his arm. Turning into him as much as he allowed—he was adamant your hips stay up on the pillow—you kissed his bare chest, and then rested your cheek on it. He kissed the top of your head, and his fingers ghosted the nape of your neck.

“Round 2 of mini making tomorrow?” he asked. 

You smiled. “Right after breakfast in bed.” You playfully sank your teeth into his chest. 

His laughter was soothing. “I might have to have a midnight snack if you don’t knock it off.”

“I’ll be a good girl,” you replied. He laughed again while he stroked your hair. Eventually, Jake’s fingers stopped moving and his breathing told you he was asleep. Still worried everything was a dream, you fought to stay awake.

When you finally nodded off, you were already dreaming of Jake between your legs—he loved breakfast first thing in the morning.

[linskywords]

Taylor Swift Meets Hockey RPF: A 2022 Advent Calendar

Hello friends. I’m so excited to announce the advent calendar you never knew you wanted: the countdown of the 25 ficciest Taylor Swift songs, specifically as they apply to hockey RPF!

We’ve long been aware here in the fic community that Ms. Swift’s lyrics provide excellent titles. But just how ficcy are her songs, really? I’ve set out to answer that question via an extremely scientific* ranking project that combines three things I love dearly: hockey RPF, Taylor Swift songs, and making ranked lists of things.

*It was not even a little bit scientific

If you share any of these interests, you may be asking the following questions:

Q. I’m so excited! But what does this advent calendar actually consist of?

A. What a good question. Every day I’ll do a write-up of one of the songs, starting with the least ficcy of the 25 on 12/1 and getting ficcier each day up until Christmas, when the ficciness will reach its peak and we’ll explode with the joy of repressed men pining for each other.

Q. Are you actually going to write a story for each song?

A. Hahaha no. But I am going to pick a pairing that I think fits the song the best and say a little about how their story would go, and if I get intrigued enough by any of it I might write the story eventually.

Q. You’re going to let us know which song lyrics you’d use to title the story, though, right?

A. Of course.

Q. How can I keep track of these posts?

A. This post will act as a master post as soon as I’ve started the countdown.

Q. How about a playlist so we can listen along?

A. I got you right here! It’s empty now, and I’ll add songs as soon as they’re revealed.

Q. But wait! There’s so much variety in fanfiction, even just within hockey RPF. What does “ficciest” actually mean?

A. The ficciness of each song has been determined via the extremely objective method of me thinking about it really, really hard. I’m not aiming for all of fandom here; my frame of reference is men’s hockey RPF, specifically slash, specifically the kinds of stories I most enjoy reading/writing.

Q. Isn’t that kind of arbitrary?

A. Shhhhhh.

Q. Okay but that means pining is going to be front and center, right?

A. Absolutely it does.

Q.  So…you actually went through all of Taylor Swift’s discography for this?

A. Let’s just say my Spotify Wrapped is a little extreme this year.

Q. Aside from screwing your Spotify stats all to hell, did you come across any trends in the ficciness of her music that you’d like to share with us?

A. I’m so glad you asked! As part of determining the top 25, I rated every Taylor Swift song in her 10 studio albums (Taylor’s Version where available) on a scale of 0-10 for applicability to hockey RPF. Her albums ranked as follows:

Reputation (2017): 4.79 average ficciness rating

Lover (2019): 4.39

Taylor Swift (2006): 4

Speak Now (2010): 3.88

Red (2012): 3.55

Folklore (2020): 3.41

Fearless (2008): 3.4

Midnights (2022): 3.3

Evermore (2020): 3

1989 (2014): 2.77

Honestly I was pretty surprised by how this shook out. I expected ficciness to be at its peak in her first few albums, but nope. It was reasonably high at the start, and it did decline as she transitioned from country to pop with 1989, but then it shot up to new heights in Reputation and Lover. These are, not coincidentally, the two albums she wrote during and just after the start of her relationship with her current partner. This makes sense to me: the pining of the early albums is all well and good, but there are also a lot of songs about breakups, which did not do well in the ficciness ratings. After Lover, things went a little more as expected: the ficciness leveled off again, and her three most recent albums all ended up in the bottom half. Here's a fancy graph of the results:

That said, averages don’t tell you everything. Her first album is less ficcy than Lover on average but does far better in the top 25. Folklore is above Fearless by average rating, but it only has one song in the top 25 versus Fearless’s four. In fact, there were three albums that had only one song make it in, and 1989, least ficcy of them all, managed to squeak in twice. So “average ficciness” and “number of extremely ficcy songs” turned out to be very different stats.

Q. That's fun. Do you have any more charts?

A. I sure do! Here's one I made of how many songs came in at each rating from 1-10:

Basically, there were a lot of songs that weren't ficcy even a little bit, declining in number towards the mediocrely ficcy at 5. Then the count started going up again with songs that had enough ficcy content to be considered but maybe didn't quite hit the nail on the head. There were only a few songs that were real bullseyes.

When it came to narrowing things down, everything 7 and above got further consideration. About half the 7s made it, and almost all the 8s (there were a few I left out for various reasons). All the 9s and 10s got in.

Q. You’ve infected my brain with this, and now I’m curious how you’d rate this one song of hers I’m thinking about.

A. Shoot me an ask! If it isn’t in the top 25 I’ll answer with the ficciness rating I gave it and why.

Q. Thank you, this was exactly the extremely niche advent calendar I was hoping for this year.

A. Universal appeal, that’s my goal!

Day One: Speak Now Day Two: Blank Space Day Three: Sparks Fly Day Four: Girl at Home Day Five: Come Back...Be Here Day Six: 22 Day Seven: Breathe Day Eight: Willow Day Nine: Cruel Summer Day Ten: Long Live Day Eleven: I Know Places Day Twelve: I Think He Knows Day Thirteen: Snow On The Beach Day Fourteen: Peace Day Fifteen: Call It What You Want Day Sixteen: Fearless Day Seventeen: Untouchable Day Eighteen: I'm Only Me When I'm With You Day Nineteen: Invisible Day Twenty: Gorgeous Day Twenty-One: Dress Day Twenty-Two: Treacherous Day Twenty-Three: Teardrops On My Guitar Day Twenty-Four: I'd Lie Day Twenty-Five: You Belong With Me

[lyricsofravensong]

The beat of a longing heart

• Jake x MC • hurt/comfort, fluff • ~ 1 675 words + a chat•

• request by Anon:  hey, i don't know how to start this ask but... well i got the news that my favorite drummer has passed away and i can't deal with it without thinking about jake comforting MC... i think this is weird and I must be mixing things up, but it's a comforting thought...you are my favorite writer on tumblr out of all the blogs and i am always happy to read your works so if you are accepting requests could you please write something about jake and mc? thank you😢❤️

• Your evening was supposed to be a sad song until the end, but then an unexpected melody appears from the rain.

A/N: Here it finally is! 🌠 Thank you for the request dear anon, I hope you're doing well. 💕 Sorry again for being so slow! 😖

I wasn't sure if you wished for a chat or a written story, so I combined them a little. :) I was really struggling with the editing but this is the best I can offer at the moment and I don't want to make you wait any longer. I hope so much I'm not letting you down and this story gives you the comfort you were missing. 💚

And thank you @dreamer-writer-fangirl for the encouragement! ❤

When you're happy, the beat of the music resonates with your cheerful heart; it dances and flutters in every corner of your body, making you feel powerful and alive.

When you're sad, the lyrics of the songs portray the pain your heart is aching with; they poke and stroke every inch of your bleeding soul, challenging and healing.

The song of your evening starts with a heavy sigh escaping from your lungs. Disappointment burns in your throat, but you swallow it down painfully. It's not Jake's fault that the theme of your day had been nothing but a repeating chorus of a sad song, and it seems like the evening is going to continue the manner. But you can't deny that the absence of his presence is one note more to the chord of your grief.

Rain sets the tune by hitting the roof with a sound that's reaching the rumbling measures of a thunderstorm. The ambience of it is making you even more anxious.

The beat comes in as a pulse of your longing heart, echoing in every cell of your body. Your mind is helplessly out of tune and can't keep up with the racing tempo.

You give up on tears as the rain makes a crescendo that covers the voice of your sobbing. Your thoughts are a swirling mess of unsettling beats, counting every person there is for you to miss. A wave of sorrow floods over your soul and the pouring rain invades your brain until your tears turn to raindrops. 

You cry for a long time and the static rhythm of the rain is like a stereo to your feelings.

At first, the careful knocking on the door gets lost in the mixed concert of percussion going on in your head. When it comes again stronger, you sit up slowly. You have no intention of answering it, a single glance at your tear-stained face in the mirror confirms that. You're sure that the intruder will give up quickly since who in their right mind would be outside in that weather. The doorbell rings once and is followed by the uplifting tone of your phone receiving a message. 

Your heartbeat drops tragically as you read the text Jake had sent.

Tension builds up as you hurry to the door without a second glance at the mirror. The beat of your heart drums in your ears when you yank the door open. And then - every sound goes silent. 

There's Jake, standing in the rain outside your door. His black hair is dripping wet as well as his hoodie of the same color. In contrast to them, he's holding a white plastic bag in his hand, phone in the other. Your eyes meet his and you stare at each other equally shocked. The shaken expression on Jake's face indicates that you look as awful as you felt a second ago. 

"I can't stop the rain, but… here I am. Ready to hold you," Jake says and a hint of embarrassment appears on his face. You follow his every move as he puts his phone in the pocket of his hoodie and then - trying to figure out what to do with his freed hand - runs his fingers through his wet hair. 

"I hope you're not bothered by me intruding like this," he mumbles awkwardly, making a shy glance towards you.

Words get caught in your throat and come out pitifully feeble, "Or course not, but… how?" Your voice breaks and you have to gasp for breath. "How? Why?"

There's a clear twitch on Jake's face by the tearful sound of your voice. For a minute he looks almost panicked as he struggles to find the next words.

"I was getting this when you texted me." He lifts the plastic bag so you can see the logo of a nearby Chinese restaurant. "Rain offers some cover so it's safer for me to be out. I was so insanely worried about you that my legs just carried me here."

Your mind is gradually catching up with the new tempo of this turn of events. Another wave of tears is blurring your eyes and you slap a hand over your mouth to cover the weird grin spreading on your face.

"And I'm glad they did," Jake continues, pulling the corner of his lips into a sympathetic smile. "I'd hate to think of you being alone like that."

You shake your head in disbelief at this unexpected change of key in the earlier flatness of your emotions. You let out a trembling breath. A new verse in the song of your evening starts when you sprint out in the rain and throw yourself into Jake's arms. You bury your face into his chest and let out the forceful sobs. Jake drops the bag on the ground and wraps his arms tightly around you. 

The drumming of the rain fades to the background as you stand in its shower, crying the whole record of your sorrows over Jake. He listens to it quietly and doesn’t let go even when you raise your hand to wipe your nose on your sleeve. Gradually your weeps quiet down along with the rain which is throwing the last separate drops on your already damped clothes. You rest your head on Jake’s shoulder and squeeze the back of his hoodie. 

“Have I ever told you why I like the rain?” his voice asks softly beside your ear. 

“No,” you sniffle. “I don’t believe you have.”

“I like it because it reminds me of you.”

“Why is that?” You raise your head to look at Jake’s face, forcing him to loosen his grip which he fixes by resting his hands behind your lower back. 

“It was pouring when I contacted you for the first time,” he smiles. “That was the day my life changed. For me, rain symbolizes the unpredictability of life. I feel like anything is possible on a rainy day.”

“That’s something you just proved to be true,” you laugh and brush a strand of hair aside from his forehead. Jake stares at your face with such intensity that you suddenly become very aware of your swollen eyes and runny nose. You blush and lower your head.

“I’m sorry about crying so much. I know I look hideous.”

Jake sets his hand gently on your cheek, making you look up at his face again as he examines yours even closer. 

“No, you’re still fascinating.” His whisper makes your heart sing with emotions you have never heard so vividly before. 

“My face is all swollen and full of tears…” you splutter in loss of words. 

Jake’s smile only widens and he wipes your cheeks tenderly with his fingers. “They’re just raindrops.”

You chuckle, “Then you can stop the rain after all.”

Tears of the sky are still dripping from the trees and corners of the roof all around you. They form an uneven rhythm of a harmony you’re now hearing differently; not as an echo of your pain, but more as a ballad for sadness.

But sadness is not the theme of your feelings anymore when you share the Chinese with Jake on the couch in your living room. No food has ever tasted so delicious as this slightly soaked and chill portion of noodles eaten straight from the container, taking turns of using the one pair of chopsticks Jake had with him.

The second verse of your evening is composed from comfort. After the food is finished and Jake’s drenched hoodie is drying on the back rest, you lean against his shoulder and slowly give lyrics for your sadness by telling him all about your previous distress. His t-shirt is wet too, but you forget it when his arm wraps around you, pulling you closer to his side. 

Jake's presence is a lot like music; without saying much he still makes you feel understood and healed. His comfort is mainly instrumental but filled with so many soothing nuances of warm touches and thoughtful nods. He is the melody your evening missed. He is the lyrics for your love and the stereo for your desire; resonating stronger than the drumming of the rain. He makes you believe that just like music, your feelings are also made to be shared with your loved ones. And as you let your head fall to his lap and turn on your back to meet the softness of his eyes, you realize that this one you love very much. 

Rain starts a new solo on the roof with full force as the song of this evening comes to the bridge. Jake bends down to you, his intention written clear on his face. Still he stops hesitantly right above your mouth, pausing the music just before the beat drops. But your heart is singing and you hit the play by reaching your hand behind his head and pulling him down to your lips. The kiss launches a full symphony inside you and every note makes you yearn for more. 

On a short rest between kisses you caress Jake’s cheek and say, “Now I hope it will never stop raining.”

“I thought you hated it,” Jake points out. 

“Not anymore,” you mumble while your attention is drawn to the way Jake’s mouth forms the words he speaks and how his lips are tuning into an amused smile. 

“What made you change your mind?” he asks. 

“No one in their right mind would go outside in that weather, so you have to wait here until the rain is over.” 

When you're in love, music understands your every feeling; the fluttering happiness, the aching yearning, and the healing comfort. All the lyrics tell the story of the two of you, of every smile and tear you’ve had. 

A perfect harmony is formed when two beats of two longning hearts meet each other in a beautiful duet. 

This song of your evening does not end yet, the music of your hearts continues beating in the calming dusk of a rainy day.

_____________________

It was actually raining every time I wrote this. 🤭☔

[the-bau-quinjet]

And I confess, babe

Part 6 of In Breakable Heaven!

Summary: Feelings are confessed... sort of.

Warnings: none 

Word count: ~2400

“There’s something I haven’t been completely honest about.” You blurted out taking a break from cleaning. It had been a few months since Halloween, and you and Spencer have hung out whenever possible, but never calling anything a date. You had both gotten pretty busy with the holidays, but still made time. He is basically your best friend, but you want more than that. You just aren’t sure he feels the same way. 

Spencer turned from where he was reading on the couch immediately mirroring the nervous expression he could see on your face. “What is it? You know you can tell me anything. That’s what friends are for.” Ugh, friends. This is so confusing. As he walked up to you, you thought you noticed a glimmer of hope in his eyes, but you brush it off. You need to focus.

You have never told any of your friends about this. It’s almost like you were living two lives and all the sudden you wanted them to merge. Well, really you just wanted an excuse to sing love songs to the man standing in front of you without completely freaking him out. “You know how much I love Taylor Swift, right?” You could see the confusion growing on his face 

“Um, yeah. That’s not exactly a secret…” he chuckles as he searches for the truth in your eyes. 

“Well, um... I kind of... well… it’s not really a big deal, but I… you see…”

 “Y/N, just tell me. I promise not to freak out.” He interrupted, the confusion evident on his face.

“Okay, just… I’m inaTaylorSwiftcoverband…” You blurt, the words rushing from your mouth. You cover your face with your hands. Of course, boy genius understood the mess of a sentence you just said, realization slowly dawning on him.

 “Y/N, why were you so nervous to tell me?” He sounded shocked. “You know I would support you no matter what. When’s your next show? I would love to go see you perform.” The sincerity in his voice made tears well up in your eyes. 

You rushed to hug him as you said “I don’t know why I was so nervous. I guess people can be really harsh when you are a Taylor Swift fan. Nobody takes you seriously, ya know? I started the band because her music made me better at conveying my emotions. It was actually a kind of therapy for me at first, but then I fell in love with performing. I actually wanted to tell you so I could invite you, and the rest of the team, to my next show. It’s Saturday night.”

 He ran his hands up and down your back before pulling away to look you in the eyes. “I will be there.” He said, matter-of-factly. 

“Yay!” You were practically jumping with joy that the conversation went well. It felt kind of stupid to be so worried over other people’s perception of your music interests, but you’ve always been self-conscious of being the “weird” girl. It made even the smallest decision so hard for you. “I want you to invite the rest of the team, but keep it a surprise. I haven’t told Penelope, and I’ve known her 2 years longer than you.” He laughed as you realized how comfortable you must have felt with Spencer to be inviting him and his friends to see you perform. Usually the only way you made it through was knowing there was nobody in the audience that would recognize you enough to make fun of you. But, it was time for a change. You have always been proud of your accomplishments, and the people you called your friends should be a part of that.

 “You should know there’s always a theme to the show. I like to tell a story with her songs, pulling from all the albums helps make it more cohesive.” You wanted him to be a little bit prepared for what you had planned. 

“What’s the story for this show?” Spencer asked, curiosity brewing in his mind. 

“Well Doc, I’m afraid that’s a secret. You’ll have to wait and see.” Spencer kept pestering you to find out the theme, but you refused to tell him. Finally, he returned to reading as you cleaned the rest of your apartment.

--

 Saturday came much faster than you were expecting. The nerves you felt kept growing as you tried to finalize the set list you would be performing in just a few hours. The stories you usually tell don’t normally rely so heavily on your own life experiences. But, that’s why you fell in love with Taylor’s music in the first place. The songs are so relatable. It’s incredible how well she can convey emotions and stories with her lyrics. Plus, this is your chance to tell Spencer how you feel without having too much pressure. If he doesn’t say anything about the obvious theme, you could just pretend you made up the story for the audience. It would be fine. No pressure at all.

 The hours until your show drifted away as you got ready and arrived at the venue. You were actually playing in an auditorium instead of a bar for the first time in a few months. The night had been heavily marketed for couples since Valentine’s day is next week, but you knew your friends would all be there to support you. Going over the set list with the band, they knew exactly what mood you were going for. It was clear there were three sections to the night: 1) the break up, drawing heavily on your experience with Drew, 2) moving on from the failed relationship as you form a new crush, possibly on an incredibly hot doctor, and 3) where you wanted this new relationship to go. That storyline is what made the marketing so good. Couples could come and just be in love, relating the music to their own lives. Plus, people were itching for something to do since no real artists were touring in DC right now.

 You glance out at the audience as the lights flicker, indicating only a few minutes until show time. You find Spencer and the rest of the crew, barring Hotch and Rossi, easily as you put them in the front row. You wanted to be able to see their faces, or completely look over their heads. It all depends on the expression of the one and only Spencer Reid.

 “Hello, and welcome to the show!” You try to hide the nerves. You’ve done this plenty of times, but knowing who is in the audience is taking a toll. “In case you didn’t know, with every show I do, I try to tell a story. Usually, it is based on a movie or a book, but today I am trying something a little bit new. No book, no movie, just a story. It’s got three parts to it. Part one sucks.” You laugh along with the audience. “It’s about a breakup and learning to move on. So let’s get started!”

 You immediately jump into the first song Babe. Technically it features Taylor Swift, but she wrote it so it counts. Plus, it is the perfect song to describe your feelings to finding Drew cheating on you, and she did write it.

 This is the last time I’ll ever call you Babe.

 “Now, I know how hard it can be to get over someone who you’ve been with a long time. Especially when combined with the pain of them cheating on you. This next song describes that mentality of recognizing that someone won’t change because you want them to. Sometimes, the best thing to do is cry and scream and move on.” The instrumental to You’re Not Sorry begins to play as you calm you’re nerves.

 This is the last straw. Don’t wanna hurt anymore. And you can tell me that you’re sorry, but I don’t believe you baby like I did before. You’re not sorry. No, no, no no.

 “I know, I know. No more sad songs! After you break up with someone, it can be pretty hard to not miss what you had. But eventually, you’ll get to a point where when they call you in the middle of the night, all you have to say is We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together. Like ever.”

 You make it through the next song without a hitch. The crowd is clearly enjoying the show, which is actually helping with your nerves. You’ve glanced at your friends a few times, but nothing that lingers. You’re not quite mentally prepared to look at Spencer yet.

 “With every breakup, there is some amount of time afterward where you can’t help but think about them. No matter how badly it ended, there is at least a day. It could slowly fade out or it could just disappear one day, like magic. Either way, this song is how I personally feel once that window of time ends.”

 I forgot that you existed. It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it‘s just indifference.

 This song really helped turn the mood around. Everybody is dancing and singing, clearly enjoying themselves. As the song ends, your nerves return a bit. This is the scary part.

 “And with that, we move on to part 2! As the saying goes, the best way to get over him is to get under someone else. Well, that’s not exactly where this is going, but it follows the same general logic.” The instrumental to Enchanted has already started as you finish the intro “Meeting someone who helps take your mind off the bad by making new memories.”

 All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you. This night is sparkling, don’t you let it go. I’m wonderstruck, blushing all the way home.

 This is the first song you are singing directly to Spencer, even if you can’t even look at him. You glance at every other member of the BAU, but you just can’t bring yourself to admit it to him. Not yet.

 Please don’t be in love with someone else. Please don’t have somebody waiting on you.

 You can feel the sting in your throat that comes from thinking of Spencer being with someone else, finally making you look at him. He seems happy. He’s not dancing as much as everyone else, but he is swaying. You count it as a win.

 “Now, I’m not saying the only way to get over a breakup is a new relationship. Sometimes, you just need a friend.” You clear your throat to go right into the next song.

 Wanna hang out? Yeah, sounds like fun. Video games, you pass me a note. Sleeping in tents. It’s nice to have a friend.

 This is where it’s supposed to be obvious who you are singing to. None of your newly formed friends really know the extent of your relationship with Spencer. But, you’ve convinced him to try a lot of new things. It started small, with hiking, but eventually you got him to agree to a short camping trip over a long weekend. It was freezing since it was November, but you just cuddled together around the fire. That is what makes this so nerve wracking. You are terrified of messing up your friendship.

 “Friends are the best resource post breakup. They always know how to put a smile on my face, no matter what I’m upset about. You could go so far as to say I’m Only Me When I’m With You.” You laugh at the corny joke, knowing that’s the next song you’re singing. “To be completely honest, this is kind of a story of the past few months of my life. I had a pretty bad breakup, but I met some new friends who really helped me through it. It’s nice to be completely honest about yourself with someone else.”

 I don’t try to hide my tears, my secrets, or my deepest fears. And through it all, nobody gets me like you do.

 “Now, we move onto the third and final part of the show. We’ve covered the past and the present, so all that’s left is the future! The future is unknown, which is kinda of scary when you think about it. So, it can really help to have someone who makes you feel Fearless.” So many lyrics make you want to stare at Spencer.

 I wanna ask you dance right there, in the middle of the parking lot.

-

Run your hands through your hair, absentmindedly making me want you.

-

And I don’t know why, but with you I’d dance in a storm in my best dress, fearless.

-

You’ve decided against looking at Spencer and the rest of the profilers. If you make eye contact you know they would 100% be able to see right through you. Just two more songs to get through. You don’t even pause to talk before the next song is playing.

 Cause all I know is you said, “Hello” and your eyes look like coming home.

 You’ve spent so long thinking about Spencer and his perfect freaking eyes that you subconsciously glance at him right then. The second you realize, you look away again, missing the look of complete adoration on his face.

 And meet me there tonight and let me know that it’s not all in my mind.

 “Alrighty folks, I’ve got one more song for you. You probably could’ve guessed it by now, part 3 is about a future relationship, one I’m not currently in. But that’s the thing about the future, you never really know what it holds.” This is where shit goes a little bit sideways. You didn’t plan on changing the lyrics. Most of the profilers seem to miss it, not recognizing that you switched one very crucial word in the song. The one profiler that notices the mistake has spent the last four months listening to every Taylor Swift song ever written because he’s spent so much time with you, and you are always listening to something.

 Dark jeans and your converse, look at you. Oh damn, never seen that color blue.

 Oh damn is right. You somehow manage to make it through the rest of the song, but now Spencer knows you were singing to him. You can’t decide if you’re glad it’s out there or if you are going to puke the second you run off stage.

 “Delicate is about the beginnings of a romance. It’s that point where you are scared any sudden movements will shatter everything you’ve built so far.” You take one final deep breathe. “It’s about admitting your feelings because you can’t move forward without taking the next step. That’s what the future is all about. Thank you all for coming, goodnight!” And with that, you left.

 tag list:

@mac99martin​ @goldeng1rl8​ @eevee0722 @l0ve-0f-my-life @haylaansmi @dinonuggets15 @laurakirsten0502 @green-intervention @burnin-passion @takeyourleap-of-faith @secretpickleprofessordean @awkwardnesshabitat @loveheathens @fan-girl-97

[twink-frank]

hi i’ve noticed the pencey prep gay conversation going on over on @awsugar and i have spent lots of time dissecting pencey prep lyrics and subjecting nathan @faggot-frank to my deranged ramblings so Here is my pencey prep super ultra mega gay lyrical analysis masterpost. it’s very long so its all under the cut but i will include a TL;DR for those who dont wanna read paragraphs of my deranged ramblings: Pencey prep uses lots of themes of: heartbreak, forbidden love, keeping love a secret, and toxic relationships. which none of that is gay on its own but combined with them almost never using gender indicators in their songs and the “nail in the coffin song” of 8th grade it ends up being a very Fruity Album.

I will be going through heart break in stereo in order and pointing out which lyrics and elements of certain songs jump out to me as Super Mega Gay and then summarizing my conclusions at the end <3

1 ) PS Don't Write

PS don't write is about leaving a toxic relationship, it has notes of moving on and leaving someone behind. "packed up all my shit / stole back all my tapes / left your spare key under the mat / this is not a joke / you'd better learn to take a hint / 'cause i'm not coming back / maybe you'll understand / when you're waking up alone / in a cold and empty bed." it has no gender indicators or pronouns which is the case in a lot of pencey prep songs, and something i'll bring up quite a bit. it also has general "coming of age" themes, something common in lots of pencey prep songs. which Yeah apply to straight people to but read in this context combined with future evidence can be pretty Fuckin Gay. "somewhere along the line / i found a hidden strength / i didn't know i had / standing on my own / cutting all the strings / that you used to control / surprise surprise / i am long gone / if you thought you could hold me down / by holding me up / you were wrong / you don't call the shots anymore." not to say only gay people can find inner strength and the room to love themselves but combined with other context it is a really poignant message about accepting yourself for who you are.

2) Yesterday

Yesterday is very repetitive and has a lot less to analyze, but the constant themes of wanting to "run away" strike me as very Fruity. once again, not saying gay people are the only people who can want to run away or escape from something But Combined With Other Context. and once again a song with no gender indicators, doesnt specify who the speaker is running away with or what they are running away from. just that they want to Leave. "i wanna run with you / i don't care what we do / gotta get out of this place / because it feels like yesterday." also saying "it feels like yesterday" could mean that the town feels backwards or old timey in its beliefs, implying homophobia. how the speaker wants to run away from an old fashioned town.

3) Don Quixote

i'm going to bring up the cultural significance of this title and literary reference first. Don Quixote is a classical novel by Cervantes which is about a crazy dude who thinks he's a knight, and goes on weird adventures with his best friend. It's typically used as a symbol of following your dreams and breaking free from what people expect of you. In the context of the song its used as a symbol of following your dreams with Someone. once again this someone is given no gender indicators. "you say it's not worth it / been burned too many times / if your spine's receding / you can borrow some of mine / don't go and quit right now / cause i'd follow you through hell." "you say so many things / and not a word of it was true / if you're still in that state of mind / i'd still vacation inside of you / cause i think you're worth every minute / and every dime that i spend / i'd spend all my time fighting dragons / just to keep you alive and talking." it's about wanting to spend time with someone, wanting to be with them no matter what. and its also about how this person feels unreachable, like being with them would be a fairytail but the speaker Still Reaches for it. "your imaginations running wild / round your deceptive heart / this is my crusade / and you're the unreachable star / but i'm reaching." talking about this person being unreachable and unattainble. which isnt gay By Itself  but again combined with the other context. FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

4) 10 Rings

another breakup song once again with no gender indicators, are you guys sensing a theme here? anyways this song is about someone cutting you off and then coming back suddenly wanting to talk again after breaking your heart. it has a sense of forbidden love, like this person Told the speaker they cant be together for Whatever Reason ;] and is now trying to come back and repair their mistake when the speaker is already hurt and reeling. "learn to live with decisions you make / i learned things from the break i can't forget / catch you doing drive-bys at 1 AM / it must kill you to know we can't be friends." "end of the summer you cut me off / i cut you out all the pictures i have." which this Isnt Gay By Itself. but bringing that phrase back with other context this is such a uniquely gay experience. being in love with someone and they cut you off Because theyre weirded out by that and then they try to come back, convince you it meant nothing.

5) The Secret Goldfish

my FAVORITE pencey song. this one has a lot. it's another breakup song about heartbreak and loss and im not even gonna dwell on the no gender indicators because yall see the theme now. it has themes of heartbreak and losing someone who is very close to you and having to let go of them and having to accept that this person cant be yours and you cant be with them. "land of the lost / i found myself in nothing / this time, promises broken find me / clutching to you for something / something that you're not / believing in what you say / it makes me lie awake at night / the truth, the truth is not what scares me / it's why you have to lie / all the time." here we see these themes of having to let someone go because they just Aren't The Same as you. "clutching to you for something / something that you're not." maybe like chasing after a straight boy and getting rejected? also the repetition of "heartbreak is forever" when you're young and gay losing that first person you felt some kind of love and attraction to can feel like the end of the world and can be a huge deal because of the lack of representation and guidance young gays get. and the themes of nothing lasting forever, the fact that gay people never get promised eternal love the same way straight people do.

6) 8th Grade

this song is the nail in penceys fucking coffin honestly. the rest of these songs have a lot of plausible deniability, just vague enough to maybe Not Be Gay. but framed in the context of 8th grade they all start to get a lil fruity. Im just gonna go through lyric by lyric for this one. "caught staring again / like a deer in the headlights / when you can't move fast enough / i take a hit for the team / pretty girl is blushing / i can't tell if she's disgusted / laughter starts to swell / someone gets the joke." this kid was staring at some cute boy ass and got caught and everyone is laughing at him for being gay. the "pretty girl" here is what most people think he's staring at but with the rest of the song it's obvious she's not the one he's looking at. "bells ring, i make my escape / helps a little, but doesn't save / beat downs a common thing / with us every day / maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools / so maybe i like the abuse / or maybe i just like you." literally This is the nail in penceys fucking coffin. "maybe i like the abuse or maybe i just like you." this kid purposefully takes beatings from his bully who is Obviously male if you take into context the next verse. because he Likes Him. "maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools" literally willingly taking beatings from his bully bc he has a crush. "another confrontation / you've got something to prove / your girl can't tell how tough you are / when you beat me up in the boys room." this just confirms that the subject of the song is a boy, and a tough macho boy with something to prove. maybe also hiding his own internalized homophobia through bullying? "well i made a big mistake / but i can't help who i like / this may not cost my life / but i am branded forever lame." LITERALLY ITS RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. "can't help who i like" "branded forever lame" do i even need to fucking explain this oh my god. he got outed as gay, he Can't Help Who He Likes and is now branded forever as "the gay kid." the rest of the song is general "im gonna get back at my bully" stuff but literally THIS. THIS is the song that brands all penceys other very vague songs as 100% verified super mega ultra gay.

7) 19

this song has a lot less, and is more about internal struggle than anything. but it is the only song with a "she" pronoun in it. but there is one thing i wanna mention. "I scream out loud / but no one hears a sound / i take my life with lack of sleep / i believe the things i feel / the things i see are fooling only me." this song is about not believing what the world shows you, believing what you think is true in your heart and what You feel. not what anyone else tells you. which is a gay experience. believing in yourself and your heart and your feelings, believing theyre right and theyre true and valid. Also this song has a significance in coming right after 8th grade on the album, going from being 13 to 19, from being unsure in your feelings and angry about the people who dont like you to lost and hopeless but somewhat grounded in yourself.

8) Trying To Escape The Inevitable

this song is about an abusive and toxic relationship, knowing you Need to escape it but being so infatuated with the person you literally cant. “i have this reoccurring dream / you make it hard for me to breathe / i gave you everything i could / i gave up everything i owned / and when you smile it’s not for me / you offer little sympathy / your grasp so far exceeds your reach / i wake up, this is not a dream.” “i have this reoccuring dream / where you admit that you’re not happy / i know that you will never leave / you’re here just to torment me.” which like again this isnt an exclusively gay experience but it is very interesting when framed that way. in that gay people are way more likely to throw themselves into abusive and toxic relationships because they dont feel like they can get anybody else. the repetition of “i know i should run” makes it seem like the speaker Knows he should get out but he just Cant because what if he never finds love again? and the little reprise in the middle “i have a new dream / and everything is perfect / the sky is pink, yellow, green, blue, and orange / and all the past has been forgotten / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and i fell into your trap.” implying that even if he escapes, even in his dreams he still falls for this person because he feels like he cant have anything else.

9) Lloyd Dobbler

another love song about wanting to have someone but not being able to because of Unspecified Forbidden Reasons. “why are you so far away / even when you’re standing next to me? / your eyes give you away / telling secrets your mouht don’t feel like talking.” falling in love with someone, maybe sensing that they like you too. that they Are Like You and that they have a Secret they dont want to vocalize. do i even need to explain it at this point? and in the chorus “That I’ll be your lloyd dobbler / with a boom box out in the street / and i’ll be there if you need someone / even if he isn’t me.” saying you’ll be there for someone even if that person isn’t you, also the use of Pronouns which is big for pencey prep. which yes the use of “even if he isnt me” could imply a straight girl ooorrr....Fruit Behavior. also this line “There’s a norman rockewll painting / of two kids sitting on a bench / it reminds me of all the stupid things / i’d like for us to share, but i dont care.” normal rockwell is a painter that paints traditionally “american” scenes. like the american ideal, that maybe he wants with this person. but he knows he cant have, but its stupid and domestic and he wants it but he Cant Have It because of FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

10) Florida Plates

another of my favorite pencey songs, and this one brings back those tragic “love but we cant have it” themes, except with a more somber tone. instead of being angry or resentful or spiteful in the face of adversity. its an Acceptance, of what they had and how good it was and how it just Cant Last. “kiss a mouth to open eyes / stall one last moment before goodbye / drive in different cars in different directions / never write all the letters full of good words, better intentions / it’s for the best although we don’t know it / paper words will cheapen the moments we shared / it’s better if i say nothing at all.” it’s about knowing you have to leave someone, even if having them in the moment is great they Can’t Stay and you can’t even talk or write about the moments you had. which do i even need to explain it at this point? forbidden love, not being able to have each other, not even being able to Talk about it. its a secret, and painful one but its beautiful while you have it. Conclusion alright!!! thank you so so much if you read all the way through that i Know it was long i Know it was a lot of repetition but i wanted to make my point. pencey prep has very big gay themes in their music. with forbidden love, letting go, heartbreak, keeping secrets, toxic realtionships. which none of it is gay on its own but in the context of: almost none of the songs having clear gender indicators and always speaking really vaguely about the subject and Eight Grade the “nail in the coffin song” you can see my point thank you and goodnight.

[hello-alonso]

The Battle Between Light and Darkness

To start off, I can almost guarantee you that anyone reading this has never heard of this composer. His name is Pratanallis and has a very small following, which is insane because of the quality of his work. He is based in Japan and that itself has its cons, especially for his popularity and recognition, these types of songs would not make it into Western countries on the sole basis that they are sung in Japanese. Pratanallis has been working in the music industry since 2006, making and assisting in several music projects. The genre that he specializes in is symphonic metal/rock and melodic music. The guitar solos in these songs are actually insane and I can’t get enough of them. I really wanted to showcase one of his works to another audience, one that would probably never have heard of him if it wasn’t for this post. In 2019, he released his album, “Holy Fragments” (Album Link if you want to listen along) https://open.spotify.com/album/5eLCKpiL4o7oMVrgLQka3Z?si=4eKdjlp9QcqcB4O0P406Fg&dl_branch=1.

Now, unlike most songs that you would probably hear, this whole album tells a story, and it isn’t about love like most songs are, it is about a journey. There are 11 songs in the album and all of the songs in it contribute to tell this story. In the read more section of this post, Here are the translation to each song if you’d like to listen and be able to understand what they’re saying. Either way, you can still feel the energy from the singers and tempo of the music. Now, imagine you’re sleeping and you wake up from a dream. That’s basically how the first song, Crimson Moonlight goes. It has no vocals and it is made to create the feeling that you’re in a tranquil state of mind. Every song after this is where the fun begins though.

In the second song, Menina Eris, the tempo and vibe immediately change. In terms of the story, you have been woken up from the dream to a sudden realization. That realization being that you are trapped in an isolated world where darkness rains over you. You get a glimpse of an angel, but she strays away and now you are all alone. You are stuck in this lost world and have no idea where to go. 

This is where I will point out two characters throughout the album. The first one is called Sphillia, and in this case she is the angel and savior throughout the album. She tries to save you from the darkness that spreads throughout the world.

On the other hand, there is Mare, whos name translates, according to Wikipedia as a, “malicious entity in Germanic and Slavic folklore that rides on people's chests while they sleep, bringing on nightmares”. Similarly, that’s exactly what she’s doing throughout the story of the album. She may look cute in the picture, but she certainly doesn’t want to do anything cute.

In the next song, Déjà Vu, the fast rock tempo continues and is consistent throughout the track. The story behind this song is the continuation of a loss of hope, where you see the old world you once lived in, but it’s trapped in darkness. The déjà vu you have is from the world you once knew, except it has been completely changed. You stray even farther from the exit and continue in this isolated world. 

Now, for my favorite song in the album. This is also the most popular song based off of Spotify streams, Braking Down (not a typo). This is where Sphillia, the angel and Mare, the evil, are shown and they leave you indecisive on what route you want to take. To fight for good or evil. The next song, Compassion, is similar to the last one where you are not yet ready to choose what to do. The melody feels as if the vocals are Sphillia and the instrumental part of the song is Mare, both very distinct melodies, one rough, and one calm and soothing.

After Compassion, follows the only other song without vocals, Fragment of Tears, This song feels as though you are crying throughout this world you were put in. The melody is made from a pipe organ, which gives it an eerie medieval vibe. Upon ending, the song translates to Justynusty instantly, which changes the tempo back to 100 immediately. This song is where the action commences. Where Sphillia and Mare start to battle each other for control of the world. In this song they are referred to as White and Black wings. Towards the beginning of the song are the lyrics, 

“A deep darkness laughs scornfully tainted by your deceit and it’s reach corrupts everything it is out to tear it all apart”.

This refers to Mare trying to control the world and corrupt everything. Sphillia eventually emerges and starts to try and stop the evil. She eventually puts and end to the madness and peace is restored. 

“Vanquishing the darkness as they flutter the white wings spread out with a singing voice that makes the skies tremble raining down a light of bliss as the beast that consumes the light is born engulfing the land in darkness”.

The next song of the album is With You. Sphillia has beaten Mare and now the world is at peace once again. The tempo is slow and calming throughout. The white wings prevail over the black wings. 

Right after With You, just like in a movie, Mare is back in the next song, Girl’s Seraph. Out of all of the songs, while listening to the album, this is the one that got me confused and intrigued. The song started off calm, until a few seconds in. The melody was the roughest out of all the songs in the album and the bpm was probably well over 200. The first set of lyrics in the song are,

“Now, angel of the eight day time to flap those black-stained wings embrace the deep darkness grant us benevolence, Seraph Maiden.”

The darkness, Mare, is back. She comes back even stronger and ready to attack you and Sphillia. The song continues with the rough melody signifying that they are battling each other. What ultimately destroys the evil is a combination of the sun and Sphillia, they both combine together to destroy all of the darkness Mare has spread throughout the world. The world is saved once again.

Following this chain of events is Holy Fragments. This is the point where you realize that everything that just happened was all a dream. You wake up and start to feel upset that you can’t continue helping the world alongside the angel, so you just dismiss it and try to feel joyful over the memories you made in that dream. To conclude the album, My Happiness is played. The meaning behind this song is that you feel happy and grateful over the life you have. The tempo of this song feels like you could be in a flower field. The piano and violin help make this a calming and emotional song. This world that does not have evil or darkness, you simply feel free and contempt about your surroundings. No darkness engulfs you, there is light all around you. 

Before actually taking an in depth listen to this album, I only knew two songs and of course I didn’t look up the translation. Upon actually listening to the album from start to finish, I have a much greater appreciation for Pratanallis. His beautiful melodies and storytelling throughout the album captivated me all the way through. With only ~2,000 streams on Spotify, I am very sad that he doesn’t have a bigger audience. 

The symphonic instruments used in the album along with the fast tempos really got me into the songs. Even without knowing what the lyrics mean, you can still feel when the song is about something rough and scary or when happiness is attained. I know a lot of people won’t like this genre of music, but if you like rock and metal, I highly recommend checking out his other albums if you enjoyed this one. I hope to have opened your eyes to some music you might not have heard of before  :) 

Translation to the Album!!

https://supergenial.tumblr.com/post/634283455677661184/translation-lyrics-holy-fragments-by-pratanallis

Pratanallis’s Website: https://www.pratanallis.net/

Images for Both Mare and Sphillia: https://www.pratanallis.net/

Information on Pratanallis: metal-archives.com/bands/Pratanallis/3540454256

Spotify Album link: https://open.spotify.com/album/5eLCKpiL4o7oMVrgLQka3Z?si=twsId9ZFR6CffJsu68hqlg&dl_branch=1

Menina Eris YouTube link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYg91YftU2U

Braking Down YouTube link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2ggIOL5Vv8

Wikipedia Definition of Mare: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mare_(folklore)

Pipe Organ Demonstration Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHNLdHe8uxY

Angel Peace on Earth Image: https://www.pinotspalette.com/gilbert/event/198261

Evil Angel Image: https://www.goodfon.com/wallpaper/darren-benton-by-darren-benton-angel-of-death-dark-horror-de.html

[theboywiththecuckooclockheart]

A few moments from “Jack and the Cuckoo-Clock” that don’t make sense unless you’ve read the book

One of my favorite things about the movie version of Jack and the Cuckoo-Clock Heart is how they take Malzieu’s striking metaphors and vivid descriptions and turn them into seemingly ordinary moments that the characters don’t even seem to question. However, if you haven’t read the original novel, some of those moments might leave you more confused than intrigued. Not only that, but some of the details in the movie might seem to come out of nowhere without additional context.

Full disclosure, I will be sharing some characters and details from the novel that do not appear in the movie and while they aren’t spoilers, per say, if you would like to read them for yourself first I recommend that you do.

1. “Do you often sprout Italian ice cream cones?”

If you’ve seen the movie, you know what I’m talking about:

This interesting sight only lasts for a few seconds, and the “Italian ice cream cones” are gone once the camera pans around Jack. The presence of the purple swirls is only addressed by the characters in two lines, where Jack asks “Do often sprout Italian ice cream cones?” and Miss Acacia replies, “Only if I snack on spaghetti after midnight.” That little exchange is kind of funny in and of itself, but its origin in the novel is slightly less innocent.

In the book, when Jack first sees Miss Acacia singing in the town square, he thinks, “Her breasts resemble two meringues so exquisitely baked it would be rude not to eat them on the spot.” First of all, yikes. Second of all, double yikes when you realize these characters are both canonically ten years old. But, what I’m more curious about is how we go from “meringues” in the novel to “Italian cream cones” in the movie. 

When I think of French meringues, I think of crunchy and airy baked egg whites that I can’t imagine would survive holding ice cream. But, after some culinary sleuthing, I think the connection is made regarding the ice cream itself, particularly Italian meringue ice cream, which is the combination of Italian meringue and chilled whipped cream.

Clearly, the novel is 100% not for children, in this and other ways, but I think the adaptation of this moment in the movie is quite interesting, and perhaps may have struck French audiences a bit less shockingly.

2. Méliès’ hospital cart

When Jack visits Georges Méliès’ studio, he learns all about the illusionist’s lost love and the endless inventions he created to try to impress her. During the visit, Méliès explains, “One day, I was at a loose end so I chopped up two of her shelves and I fixed them to some wheels that I’d found on a cart from a hospital so that we could go gliding together in the moonlight.” I always find the delivery of that line to be rather comical; the way he brushes off the words “from a hospital” as if that won’t provoke any questions or concern.

But, readers of the novel know a bit more about who this mysterious fiancée of his was. Her name is Jehanne d’Ancy, and her presence in the original novel is actually quite important. Without saying too much about the alternate plot line of the book, she was a nurse that Méliès met at some point in his past, which very plainly explains the hospital cart.

During my research I was shocked and excited to discover that there may be even more to Méliès’ lost love. We all know that Georges Méliès was a real person, and it so happens that a French film actress by the name of Jehanne d’alcy [1] was the real Méliès’ second wife from 1925 until his death in 1938 [2]. That historical connection probably made me more excited than it should have, but there you go.

3. Brigitte Heim

If you were able to follow along with the wild and rapid lyrics of “King of the Ghost Train”, you may have picked up the line “When I went on the ghost train I met this old girl called ‘Brigitte Heim’...”. When I watched the movie for the first time, I didn’t even register that Jack said a name in that line and it never once dawned on me to turn on the closed captions to figure out what he said.

Of course, within the context of the lyrics of the song you can probably infer that the woman Jack met who “is scarier than the ghost train”, as the song goes, was the woman who literally emerged from a coffin when he first approached the fair attraction. I don’t think her name was ever mentioned directly outside of the song, except for the end credits, but the second time I watched the movie after having read the novel, I actually picked up on what he said in the song and it all made sense.

Also, the repeated theme in the song of paying for breakage or any other inconvenience as well as the lyric “Pay pay pay pay always pay” makes a bit more sense knowing how obsessed the Brigitte Heim in the novel was about profits, a character trait that wasn’t so heavily emphasized in the movie.

There are many, many more examples of the imagery, metaphors, and remarkable descriptions from the book making their way into the movie, but for the sake of keeping at least a few things for first-time readers and watchers to discover, I am not going to list them all out here.

I highly recommend, of course, that one reads the novel and watches the movie (and listens to the album, too) to get the full effect of the story and to truly appreciate the wild world of Jack and the Cuckoo-Clock Heart.

_____________

All images and quotes are from the film Jack and Cuckoo-Clock Heart and the original novel by Mathias Malzieu.

Image credits:

Italian ice cream cones: Malzieu, Mathias and Stéphane Berla, directors. Jack and the Cuckoo-Clock Heart. 2013.

Brigitte Heim: https://www.allocine.fr/film/fichefilm-134061/photos/detail/?cmediafile=21072582

Sources:

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jehanne_D%27Alcy

[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Georges_M%C3%A9li%C3%A8s

[jinruihokankeikaku]

Reviewing My Top 40 Most-Played Songs: January 1 - July 2, 2021 (Part 1 of 5, #40-#33 & #16)

40. “Chesapeake” by Better Oblivion Community Center (2019) “Even though there’s no one around You broke a leg and the house came down....” I’ve listened to this whole album A Lot these past few months. It’s good music, better lyricism, and superlative acting. I’m always impressed by a concept album that doesn’t market itself as such, and this....is that. I might be just a bit biased as someone who was already a pretty big fan of both Phoebe Bridgers and Connor Oberst, but the fact that their first collaborative effort as BOCC manages to match or exceed most of their individual works speaks well of their “stage chemistry”, so to speak. While I shan’t to speculate on the private lives of the performers, I will go so far as to say that Bridgers’ and Oberst’s portrayals of their respective characters on this album is engaging and compelling storytelling with a remarkable level of pathos and verisimilitude. And I mean they really sell it - I don’t think it’s overstating this album’s case to compare it to the Mountain Goats’ Tallahassee (2002) or Stars’ Set Yourself on Fire (2004) in terms of its synthesis of deeply humanistic romance-cum-psychodrama and witty, listenable indie-pop. This track especially stands out as an authentic and heartwarming/heartwrenching number about the way the distance between us and those we hold most dear can shift at a moment’s notice, with Phoebe Bridgers’ vocal performance especially standing out as one of the most authentically emotional in her catalogue.

39. “Televangelist” by Julien Baker (2017) “Am I a masochist, screaming televangelist? Clutching my crucifix of white noise and static, All my prayers are just apologies.... Hold out a flare, ‘til you come for me.... Do I turn into light if I burn alive?” When I first heard the above passage, the song’s final chorus, I’m pretty sure I immediately rewound the track just so I could confirm what I had just heard.  has already been said by many critics, Julien Baker is a really good lyricist. This song’s portrayal of the angst associated with finding and questioning faith, trying to perform and trying not to, and interrogating the relationship between the factions of oneself that are one’s body, mind, and soul is....strikingly raw even in plaintext, and made all the more powerful by Baker’s impassioned line delivery and the track’s sparse musical arrangement. It’s rare that a song has an impact on me that is so immediate and so lasting. My personal feelings about the song notwithstanding, I think there’s something to be said for this particular number’s universalising character, also. Who among us hasn’t interrogated their own desires and motivations, as Baker’s narrator does here? And more to the point, who among us hasn’t done that again after hearing this song?

38. “The Bagman’s Gambit” by The Decemberists (2005) “And from my ten-floor tenement, where once our bodies lay How I long to hear you say, ‘No, they’ll never catch me now.... No they’ll never catch me.... No they cannot catch me now.’” This song is over 16 years old now, but it’s a song I’ve only come to fully appreciate this year. I have mixed feelings about The Decemberists’ discography as a whole - often, I think, Colin Meloy is a bit too clever for his band’s own good, and his band is too damn good for some of his lyrics. That said, this song is a masterclass in lyrical storytelling - explicating only what the narrator needs to say, and implying just enough for the listener to infer what the narrator hasn’t the wherewithal to say. That, combined with the number’s Neutral Milk Hotel-esque bridge, its anti-folk aesthetic, and the sincerity with which Meloy portrays the lovesick, doomed, and (presumably) closeted Cold War-era DC beaurocrat, combine to make a song that I feel entirely comfortable calling the band’s magnum opus. If you haven’t heard it in a while, I recommend giving it another spin; it holds up just fine.

37. “Guitar Hero” by Amanda Palmer (2008) “So what’s the use of going outside? It’s so depressing when people die in real life. I’d rather pick up right where we left, Making out to Faces of Death...” Alright. I’m not going to comment on the authorial intent behind this song and its subject matter, nor am I going to try to defend some of the language Palmer uses in its lyrics. I am Well Aware that my fave is problematic. But this is the song that gave us the line, “And I could save you, baby, but it isn’t worth my time,” which, frankly, is enough to make it a gem in my book. All of my comments here are based on my initial experience of a given song and the reasons I spent so much time listening to it. When I first heard this song, I heard it as a commentary on a dysfunctional-but-addictive relationship and the comparable destrudo-ific lure of rockstardom. And as far as that interpretation goes? It’s right effective. If you ask me.

#36 & #16 “Chinese Satellite” by Phoebe Bridgers & “Chinese Satellite (Copycat Killer Version) by Phoebe Bridgers and Rob Moose (2020) “...but you know I’d stand on a corner, embarrassed, with a picket sign If it meant I would see you when I die. Sometimes, when I can’t sleep It’s just a matter of time before I’m hearing things; Swore I could hear you, through the walls... But that’s impossible.)” It’s hard for me to talk about this song, which is something of a comment on how much it’s influenced me. The number of mornings I’ve spent “walking around in circles” to this song is more than I could count. An awful lot has been said about Phoebe Bridgers and her songwriting in this past year, so it’s hard for me to say anything here that’s not already been said, but with regard to this song in particular, I’d like to point out the way the narrator ambiguates the nature of their loneliness by proceeding the line “...you know how I hate to be alone.” with “I want to believe; but then, I look at the sky and I feel nothing...”, suggesting a spiritual element to a song, which element is later reinforced by both the above quotation “...but you know I’d stand on a corner....) and references to the narrator’s subject having been “...screaming at the evangelicals”. These touches, along with the urgency with which Bridgers portrays the simple vignette of her narrator “walking around in circles, pretending to be [her]self”, make for a pop song that’s both catchy enough to hum along to, and thought-provoking enough to make a listener pause in mid-stride.

#35. “Plea” by Say Anything (ft. Kenny Vasoli and Hayley Williams) (2007) “If you should go, right now (I slit this cut in the black, expanding sky...) If you should go, right now (The rain bleeds out, before my jaded eyes...) If you should go, right now (I slit this cut in the black, expanding sky...) To live without your love.... I don’t know how.” “Plea” is remarkably lacking in lyrical density, relative to both In Defense of the Genre (the album from whence it came) and to Max Bemis’ body of work in general. This isn’t a bad thing - its simplicity (along with the fact that it features two of aughties pop-punk’s superluminaries on top of Bemis’ own singing and songwriting) makes it stand out on the album as a deeply human longing, and, well....a plea. When Hayley Williams sings, “Make me believe you mean this!” over Bemis’ plaintive bridge-cum-”prayer”, the listener is compelled to follow along - to not only suspend one’s disbelief with regard to the content of the song, but to believe in the sincerity of the song and its creators. It’s easy and myopic to read of Bemis and his band’s work as pretentious or affected, but songs like “Plea” debunk this notion easily, by displaying a level of candour and vulnerability that is all-too-rare in The Genre At Large.

#34. “137″ by Brand New (2017) “Before the Garden, when you were all alone, You made the atom. Was that some inside joke? Open the gates, and then conceal the path, ‘Let’s load the gun and see how long they last.’?” There was a period of about two between my discovering this song, in the first half of 2018, and my writing this today, during which I couldn’t listen to this song at all. Setting aside the complicated relationship many (current and former) fans of Brand New have with Jesse Lacey’s body of work, this song is heavy enough to discourage frequent or casual listening in its own right, as its narrator comes to terms with the impending end of their life (and everyone else’s) in an apocalyptic nuclear war. It’s grim, and unlike much of Lacey’s lyricism, it contains little in the way of comic relief, romantic sentimentality, or typical Third-Wave-Emo melodrama. Instead, its narrator’s sardonic, singsong meditations reverberate against guitar riffs that repeat their melody through a glass, darkly, and garbled fragments of radio or telephonic messages (ostensibly from the narrator or others in his situation). It’s by no means easy listening, and it could be argued that it’s too “grimdark” for its own good, but even so, it’s a triumph of modern rock that manages to stand out even amidst so many similarly distinctive cuts from Science Fiction.

#33. “Dark in Here” by the Mountain Goats (2021) “Did you leave your house in order, when you came for me? Is this really where you meant to be? Just beyond your limits, find a new frontier; I live in the darkness. It’s dark in here.” Not since 2015′s “Werewolf Gimmick” has John Darnielle portrayed so effectively so intimidating a narrator. As the Mountain Goats have surged in popularity lately (especially here on tumblr), there’s been a proportionate surge of critics calling John Darnielle’s songwriting “predictable”,and there is some truth to that allegation. However, I would argue that in the context of the Mountain Goats’ oeuvre as a whole, their consistency in form is more of a strength than a weakness, especially given the diversity of subjects about whom (or from whose perspective) Darnielle chooses to write. In “Dark in Here” (the title track of what is at time of writing their most recent album), Darnielle portrays an eternally headstrong fugitive, renegade, or partisan, hunkering down amidst a stockpile of ammunition in preparation for a last stand against his pursuers. Another artist might’ve delivered the song’s bitter jabs and desperate threats with more aggression, but JD’s increasingly measured and uncharacteristically stable intonation on this track lend the lyrics an aura of menace without which the listener mightn’’t have found them credible. “Dark in Here”, undoubtedly, sounds like a Mountain Goats song. That’s not a bad thing.

[kaylorrehabcenter]

Gold Rush and Happiness are Sisters

Gather round everyone and witness the clown try to prove that Taylor Swift wrote songs about a married (now pregnant) woman in the year of our lord 2020.

Also this is a seven page doc in my google docs so like. Get a cup of tea and some popcorn.

Ok full disclosure this is…..mostly me clowning. Like seriously. Don’t take my words as the word of God, this is just my interpretation and how I listen to the songs. And as a (former? Idk man) Kaylor I’m going to want to make these songs about my ship. Acknowledge your biases kids.

Also like. I change my mind a lot, but for a while this theory that Gold Rush and Happiness are connected has been stuck in my head and I wanted to write it down and post it in case anyone else got something out of this.

If you read my last post on Gold Rush (here!) you’ll know I don’t think of it as a happy song. To elaborate further- I think it’s Taylor catching herself looking back on Karlie/that time in her life (Because I think Karlie is emblematic of the 1989 era for Taylor and is thus tied to the pain that came out of that, along with her ties to the masters heist) and reminding herself it wasn’t good and ended for a reason.

“Gleaming, twinkling/eyes like sinking ships on waters/so inviting, I almost jump in”

“But I don’t like a gold rush” 

The sinking ship line makes me laugh. I like to think it’s Taylor saying she’s literally sunk our (dead) ship, but that’s mostly regressing to 2015 tumblr humur.

To the actual analysis, she almost jumps into these waters, maybe it’s literal (don’t text your ex kids, write a bop like closure instead) or maybe it’s more metaphorical. She almost allows herself to think the good times were the only times. Maybe there’s a desire to move back to nyc, capture the magic that she may have felt during the era. 

“I don’t like that flying feels like falling till the bone crush”

But that’s the thing. It feels like flying at the time, but it isn’t a feeling that can last. These relationships built on temporary promises (we’re assuming here Taylor was a side thing for Karlie, not that serious and built not to last, even if there were genuine romantic feelings on both sides, which I think there were to some level) won’t last, and will hurt when they do end. At least, this one did.

“Everyone wonders what it would be like to love you”

Everybody wants who she’s singing about and is imagining what it would be like to be with them, they think it would be a fairytale. Hell, Taylor probably thought their relationship would be a fairytale against her better judgement. Karlie is a celebrity and a model no less, yes she has other things going for her (Koding and investments), her brand and her success in the fashion world depends to some degree people desiring and fantasizing about her.

“I don’t like that anyone would die to feel your touch”

The funny thing about that, Taylor’s the only one who knows the pain of that relationship, of being a side thing and never committed to. It’s draining. It's difficult. She isn’t allowing herself to jump into those waters.

“I see me padding across your wooden floor/with my Eagles t shirt hanging on the door”

I point out this line mostly because it feels like a Delicate call back (Echoes of your footsteps on the stairs). Am I reaching though? Probably. Also as someone with parents about the same age as Taylor’s (give or take ten years), I like the Eagles reference. Stream Hotel California for clear skin <3

“At dinner parties, I call you out on your contrarian shit”

Taylor was the first person to call Karlie out on her “I’ve tried!!” bullshit, how cute. <3

Besides this line being very iconic, it also shows to me that Taylor’s been frustrated with Kar even when she was busy giving her heart eyes. She’s a frustrating person to be around even when you are “turning her life into folklore”.

“What must it be like to grow up that beautiful?/With your hair falling into place like dominoes”

Damn that’s a gay couples lines you got there Tay. Wonder if you’re wondering what it must’ve been like for Kar to grow up in the model industry, and all of the pressure and exhilaration that entails. From a male’s perspective ofc.

I also take the dominoes line to be Taylor saying what must’ve it been like to have this easy idyllic childhood. Maybe Taylor is the first time Karlie’s been with a girl outside of a hookup and didn’t have to go through the pain of realizing she was into women until later in life. (Not that that’s not painful, it’s just different, and allows you to have a perfectly straight childhood/teenagerhood)

“And the coastal town we wandered 'round had nеver seen a love as pure as it/And thеn it fades into the gray of my day-old tea/'Cause it could never be”

Maybe this relationship never existed in the way she thought at all. You know Carrie Fischer’s character in When Harry Met Sally and how until she meets the right guy, she spends the whole movie insisting that whatever married guy she’s seeing really loves her!! And he’s gonna leave his wife for her!! That’s what these two songs make me think about, waking up and realizing they were never going to leave their wife, you were projecting this whole story onto someone else, but that doesn’t mean there was no value in what happened.

“And the coastal town we never found will never see a love as pure as it/'Cause it fades into the gray of my day-old tea/'Cause it will never be”

The coastal town seems an obvious Rhode Island reference, to get more specific it reminds me of when Josh and Karlie visited Taylor at her Rhode Island home in 2014 and Josh looks peeved as hell. 1, 2 Also if I remember correctly, enty has a blind where he says there was a huge fight between Josh and Taylor which ended in Taylor not wanting to be around him again. Just interesting to note. (And if anyone has the receipt, please send it my way!)

Taylor may have been projecting this fairytale narrative at the time of being able to make it work, of being friends with Josh even but it didn’t work and the fairytale is left to be folklore, never made real.

The outro is the same as the intro to the song, implying to me that while she’s telling herself it was bad, you weren’t happy, she’s still catching herself missing it and what she had with Karlie. She left a part of her back in New York see, and she can’t stop her mind from retracing old footsteps.

Now, onto how I think Happiness and how I think it connects. I’m about to audition for the national team in the reaching Olympics. Wish me luck. :)

A bit of a preamble though, I don’t take this song ~super~ literally. Depending on what day of the week it is I think it’s probably her divorcee rpg simulator or her closing the book on her ex situationship gf on her own terms ~in a straight way~. So not to discredit this whole ass post but. Take with a grain of salt.

“Honey, when I'm above the trees/I see this for what it is”

See that bold bit? That’s the main connective tissue between these songs. She’s finally woken up and now that she’s this far removed from the relationship she sees what it was. To add to the pain of it all, this is especially potent if you wonder if Karlie gaslit Tay into thinking this wasn’t a big deal, they were just fucking around when Karlie has literal Softest Love Song You Are In Love dedicated to her.

“But now I'm right down in it, all the years I've given/Is just shit we're dividin' up”

This seems to me to be a masters heist reference. Karlie since Lover, is musically tied to this event in Taylor’s life, it’s what I think is keeping Tay from making a clean break from her so to speak. 

“Showed you all of my hiding spots/I was dancing when the music stopped”

This seems to be a Rep era/dwoht reference. Yes, Taylor constantly references dancing, but the hiding spots (loved you in secret! you had turned my bed into a sacred oasis!) combined with the dancing when the music stopped (I'd kiss you as the lights went out! Swaying as the room burned down!) brings out the full kaylor clown in me. 

“There'll be happiness after you/But there was happiness because of you/Both of these things can be true”

This is probably some of the most gut wrenching lyrics Taylor’s ever written. Damn, imagine having that written about you. Anyway, the point here is the thesis of this whole damn post. Gold Rush is Taylor catching herself daydreaming about the happy parts, and reminding herself about the bad to make her snap out of it. Happiness is her coming to terms that both parts of that relationship were true. Things aren’t that simple. 

“Haunted by the look in my eyes/That would've loved you for a lifetime/Leave it all behind”

This feels very Cruel Summer doesn’t it? “I love you ain’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?” These lines make this relationship read as two things to me. One, it was very one sided, and Taylor/the narrator, was obviously left behind at the end of it when she was heavily invested into making this work. And 2, it was doomed from the beginning. Again. Big cruel summer energy here.

Or it’s a divorcee rpg simulator 3000. Now with extra glamour and opportunities to dramatically drink wine in dressing gowns.

I don’t have a lot to say about the second verse of the song that. Karlie has a nice smile, Gatsby reference, dig at whoever the next person to take Taylor’s place as a side fling (or a dig at Josh, or a baby reference since that’s what the Gatsby line refers to). The only other thing worthy of note for this post is the line following the Gatsby reference.

“No, I didn't mean that/Sorry, I can't see facts through all of my fury”

 is the next line, where she regrets what she just said and admits to saying overly harsh things and overlooking the truth of the matter when she’s angry, which to me feels like a big Afterglow/Me! reference.

“There'll be happiness after me/But there was happiness because of me/Both of these things, I believe”

I think a lot of what Taylor’s doing emotionally in the chorus is legitimizing this relationship for herself. Yeah, Josh and Karlie will have a happy life in Florida with Ivanka and them, but Taylor also made Karlie happy too and she doesn’t want Karlie to forget it. 

It reminds me of the way she talks about August, that she genuinely loves James/Karlie, and thinks they have something. But she’s just the pit stop on the commitment highway, and the depth of her feelings for the other person will never be acknowledged. It’s exhausting you know?

“In our history, across our great divide”

“Guilty, guilty reaching out across the sea/That you put between you and me”

Nothing to see here, just a nifty parallel. Karlie doesn’t want wrinkles in her new life see.

“There is a glorious sunrise/Dappled with the flickers of light/From the dress I wore at midnight, leave it all behind/And there is happiness”

This bit (which has some of my favorite imagery in this whole dang album!!!) reminds me of the end of the Wildest Dreams mv where she runs out to the car with the lover following her after the big charade of pretending not to care as much as she does, while knowing you aren’t the one that got picked.

Interestingly, if you look at the shot of the four characters together near the end, the outfits parallel the ones worn by Kar, Tay, and Josh at the 2014 Met Gala. This was of course the one where Tay and Kar got ready together and Karlie proceeded to spend the night with Josh and where Tay just looks. Miserable. (see here!)

The line also parallels Wildest Dreams lyrically.

“Say you'll remember me standing in a nice dress/Staring at the sunset, babe”

Which you know. Worth noting.

The last line (And there is happiness) seems to point to there being happiness in leaving the bad situation just as much as there was happiness in the situation. It’s Time to Go anyone?

“I can't make it go away by making you a villain/I guess it's the price I paid for seven years in Heaven”

A series of thoughts. One, I love the first line where Taylor acknowledges anger isn’t going to make it better. There’s only so much being angry in this situation will do, and it’s not like Taylor’s record is clean here either. (I mean I assume. We know she went psycho on the phone anyway)

Two. Seven years in heaven is both a play on a famous game/turn of phrase (Seven minutes in heaven) but one of the more bold references to Karlie in her whole damn discography. Do I think they’ve been together for seven years straight? Not really. But do I think Taylor saw an opportunity and jumped on it? Yep. 

“And I pulled your body into mine/Every goddamn night, now I get fake niceties”

No thoughts head empty this line is a sucker punch and I love it. If anyone needs me I’ll be watching her perform ikywt on the vsfs and crying to yail.

“All you want from me now is the green light of forgiveness”

Oh look! Another Gatsby reference. Or Taylor calling Karlie out on profiting off of her association with Tay after they clearly did not end on good terms. (Folklore themed maternity shoot anyone?) I mean, whatever floats your boat. 

A bit on the green light metaphor from Gatsby, because it’s worth noting even if I don’t have much more to say on it here.

“Situated at the end of Daisy’s East Egg dock and barely visible from Gatsby’s West Egg lawn, the green light represents Gatsby’s hopes and dreams for the future. Gatsby associates it with Daisy, and in Chapter 1 he reaches toward it in the darkness as a guiding light to lead him to his goal.”

Yes I copied that from Spark Notes. No I am not sorry. I have an exam tomorrow and I’m writing about a dead ship on a dead social media website. Sometimes we do what we must do.

I love the ending of this song, I really really do, it feels like taking in a breath of air and finally feeling free of the weight you’re carrying. It feels like a final goodbye, like Tay’s getting closure on her own terms and I truly love that for her. Bb’s stepping out into the daylight. <3 

There is happiness

In our history, across our great divide

There is a glorious sunrise

Dappled with the flickers of light

From the dress I wore at midnight, leave it all behind

Oh, leave it all behind

Leave it all behind

And there is happiness

So, what was this whole seven page post for then? 

Gold Rush and Happiness being connected has been a theory rattling around in my brain for forever and I’ve wanted to write it down for just as long. The tldr of it all is pretty simple, Gold Rush is about her reminiscing about the good parts of Kaylor, and pulling herself out of it, reminding herself it was bad and bad for her. Happiness is her legitimizing the relationship, and moving on while acknowledging there was bad and good in their story. It just took me seven goddamn pages to articulate that.

If you’ve reached the end of this. Damn. Thanks. Go get a snack or something, you deserve it after reading this.

[taekooktimeline]

May 5, 2020

Taekook go on vlive together!! Almost as soon as the vlive starts, Tae jokingly says - while looking at Jk - “we can’t be friends”. Jk laughs and they continue the introduction. This sudden comment was made out of context - a “funny” way to complete Jk’s sentence, but with no apparent explanation for the chosen words - therefore we view it as an inside joke between the two that even caught Jk by surprise, letting out a small “huh?” before laughing right away. There’s a possibility Tae was alluding to the fact that they had to play along the lie of “being awkward as a result of drifting apart” and they both found it quite hilarious, probably due to the absurdity. They try to seem distant throughout the vlive (which they succeeded on judging by the general fandom thinking they looked awkward) but there is underlying humor coupled with some comical acting & slip-ups.

(Timestamp 0:37)

We can view the previous scene as Tae interacting with Jk’s sentence but it’s still made out of the blue. Jk said “we are kids today” because he got stuck on his words. He was supposed to say what Tae said after his joke: “우리 오늘 어린이날” = Today is children’s day.

This is what Jk said instead:

And Tae added “친구 안될” = “Can’t be friends” or what you see below if we take it as a single sentence (Tae ending Jk’s):

While it seems like the meaning of the combined sentence is directed towards “children”, it’s interesting that Tae’s first thought was “to not be friends” and took the opportunity to speak up as if it was swirling around in his mind. Remember they weren’t talking about anything at that moment, there is nothing within the rest of the video that could explain the joke and he adores children. If the narrative about them being precious friends that lost their deep bond & were now starting to feel awkward was true then Tae wouldn’t be joking about such a topic, or so we think, especially 3 weeks prior to the filming of the televised “reconnecting talk” that aired in September within Ep 6 of “In The Soop”). As said earlier, it seems like they find it humorous. Moving on.

They briefly hold hands. Tae offers his hand out of nowhere and Jk holds it with passion/force - as if he needed it - accidentally making them both hit the table.

(Timestamp 1:25) 

Jk frowns as he tries not to laugh while asking Tae what he has been up to lately - because he already knows.

They end up cracking up anyways before Tae could even answer.

(Timestamp 1:33)

Tae says he once mentioned he was taking online courses.

Jk lets out a little chuckle and asks how it’s going.

Tae reveals he only studied for 4 days because that was the length of a course.

Jk knows what he’s doing when he asks if there weren’t any more courses to complete. Tae confirms there were many but it was difficult. Jk laughs some more, seeming like this was the reason he let out that first little chuckle - because he knew how it ended.

After the slight teasing he empathizes with Tae and normalizes it by stating that studying is not easy at all.

(Timestamp 2:35)

Less than 4 minutes after the vlive starts, Jk loudly yells “Taekook!” After reading it in the comment section. Jk says “Taekook” a total of 4 times in this specific moment, while Tae says it once for now. They say the name without discomfort. Despite the concept of the vlive Jk didn’t hide his excitement upon reading taekooker’s chants - reacting fast and sincerely to them.

(Timestamp 3:55)

Tae cutely asks Jk if he looks like a chicken. Jk agrees.

Jk smiles about it a couple seconds later and proceeds to quitely copy Tae’s words: “a chicken”. He must find him endearing.

(Timestamp 9:05)

Jk explains he had a dream in which he fought with Jin over his pants. Tae recalls & plays out a similar scene from the movie “Time to Hunt”.

Jk chuckles quite soundly.

He then reacts by copying a line from the drama “Itaewon Class” which Tae wrote & sang an OST for. He uses the right voice to say: “it’s fun”.

Tae laughs with a big smile.

(Timestamp 10:43)

In the second instance of saying “Taekook”, Tae is the one to initiate this time. He says it twice and Jk says it once this time. Again, they say it casually without appearing bothered by the name.

(Timestamp 12:15) 

Tae is savage and plays a song that talks about wanting a vacation. He dances & says it’s a message for their boss. Jk smiles.  As you can see Tae likes shady comments which falls in line with the initial “we can’t be friends” joke.

(Timestamp 18:25)

Tae starts telling the story of how he wrote a song for his Dad as a Parents’ Day gift.

Although Tae made it clear that he had already given the song to his dad, Jk makes a point to overly ask about it.

Tae is confused and asks Jk if he didn’t already know. It seems like Tae told him before.

Jk presses his lips

then frowns & gives Tae a pointed look without muttering a word.

Jk is also keeps pressing his lips in an irritated manner. He can’t say what he wants to say. Tae understands and tries to backtrack by saying he told someone else - not Jk. Tae momentarily forgot he was supposed to act like they weren’t close.

You can see & hear how Tae sulks.

Jk keeps that irritated face for a little longer. It’s probably due to the frustration of having to act rather than the slip-up.

He presses his lips once more before moving on.

(Timestamp 25:12)

Tae and Jk talk about the series “Itaewon Class” briefly (remember, Tae wrote the OST “Sweet Night” for this series).

Jk repeats the prior line “it’s fun”

Tae feels comfortable enough around Jk that he briefly acts out a skit, deepening his voice as he quotes the show.

(Timestamp 26:43-27:30)

Tae forgets one of his BT21 character’s names and asks Jk who remembers right away.

(Timestamp 29:18)

Tae is bothered by his long bangs and Jk  is hypnotized as he looks at him.

Jk breaks out of it after blinking in excess as he softly suggests he should trim them.

(Timestamp 31:36)

Jk is once again hypnotized.

His gaze follows Tae as the latter talks with staff and moves through the room.

He forces himself to look away quite ungracefully as if he catched himself with his guard down.

(Timestamp 32:21)

There’s a funny moment where Tae pretends to get mad at Jk for using the  glue gun arguing army might get hurt.

(Timestamp 32:52)

Continuation of the above ordeal.

(Timestamp 37:14)

A request in the comments asks Jk to sing Lauv’s “Never Not.”

Tae asks Jk if he has sung it before.

Then does an unnatural “ohooo” as a reaction.

Tae - still being a jokester - asks Jk to sing the Parents’ Day version as if he sang to his dad. Since it’s a romantic song Jk looks at him weirdly and they laugh together.

Tae uses a soft and honeyed tone to request.(Timestamp 40:24; 41:27 for his soft voice). 

Tae says he can’t believe Jk covered this song that he loves so much (acting surprised?).

(Timestamp 41:44)

Jungkook says he received the “Never Not” instrumental some time ago but couldn’t cover it until now for “some reasons”. Not sure about the relevancy of this but it sounds strange.

(Timestamp 41:55)

Tae plays the song and Taekook get playful in dancing and singing.

(Timestamp of when Tae begins playing the song is at about 42:55; all above moments from part 1 - http://www.vlive.tv/video/189674)

The vlive disconnects so they start a second video. Part two of the vlive picks up where the first left off, with Taekook covering “Never Not” for a second time shortly after the start of the video. It appears staff may have told Taekook to sing again based on where their eyes are when they ask why they’re playing the song again. They’re told it’s due to the disconnection of the first vlive.

They play the song while singing and dancing together.

(Timestamp 1:37-3:14)

Tae abruptly stops the vlive by saying “hey hey, whoa whoa, calm down”. Jk doesn’t seem at all surprised by the sudden stopping of the music. He even repeats “calm down”. He doesn’t ask “why?” or appear confused.

(Timestamp 3:15-3:26)

This has led to speculation that there was an agreement for the song to be stopped at a certain point. Taekookers have pointed out the song played for exactly 1 minute and 23 seconds (123 theory). Based on Tae checking his phone before stopping Jk, stopping the song mid-sentence, and Jk’s unsurprised face/reaction to the abrupt stop of the music, it’s an interesting theory, but it’s one the reader must consider for themselves. Tae goes to check the phone at 1:21:

And ends it at 1:23:

(Screenshots from Peachlesslyyy - who goes into more detail in her analysis here - https://youtu.be/_28tA7MHKT8, timestamp starting at 2:52)

Jk and Tae both compliment each other. Tae discusses his hair and Jk chimes up that Tae looks best in everything. 

To which Tae replies that it’s nice to hear that from Jk, who looks best in everything.

Jk chuckles in embarrassment. They both give fake playful laughs after, Tae’s being very loud as if they were playing with someone.

(Timestamp 5:11-5:31)

They’re asked to make a heart. They make individual hearts then make one together.

(Timestamp 7:34)

Tae says sorry for being late and explains it was the traffic’s fault. Jk says he could have predicted the traffic jam  but then confesses he is often late & isn’t one to talk. They start talking playfully. Jk laughs.

Jk doubts it with a little “oh?”

Tae defends himself using the soft honeyed voice and rising head movements. Jk lets him win.

(Timestamp 5:34)

Tae reads out “Kiss” from the comments and plays dumb (subs censored the actual word & replaced it with “cass”). He then proceeds to sing a song with the lyrics “kiss me”. Jk is suddenly very interested in the screen. Tae also sings part of an additional love song and talks about his english level. All of this makes it obvious that the word he read was the English word “kiss” that a taekooker wrote.

(Timestamp 12:12)

For a third time, Tae and Jk say the name “Taekook”. Tae reads off the comment “Taekook forever” and Jk says in a sing-song voice “foreverrr”. Again, they seem happy to say the name “Taekook” which, keep in mind, they’re not obligated to say.

(Timestamp 15:15)

Speculation - why, when Tae’s comment clearly says “Taekook forever” does the subtitle have it as “V and Jungkook forever”? Is it part of hinting in a subtle but psychological way - BH wanting, in essence, to show Tae and Jk as people separate from their ship? By utilizing their names instead of their ship name, it does show them as real people instead of just a ship. They mention “Taekook” in two other occasions before this but the subtitle isn’t changed, only for this final one. 

Tae and Jk say comments in different languages. Tae asks Jk to say “I love you” to Swedish ARMY. At first Jk says it in Korean, but Tae asks him to say it in English, which Jk then does.

After saying “I love you” in English, Jk looks back at Tae briefly.

(Timestamp 17:58-18:07). 

Tae asked Jk if his experimental hairstyle looked good on him a total of 5 times and Jk always reassured him.

(Timestamp 23:00)

Jk asks Tae to say some last words and there is this moment of exchange of looks and smiles.

(Timestamp 24:30)

Jk brings up the awkwardness of the vlive for the 3rd time. He reasons it’s the lack of habit - which is probably true - but we wonder if he was also saying it to follow through with the plan of giving the viewer a certain impression.

Tae agrees with Jk.

Jk then stares at Tae.

He scans Tae’s face a bit & they silently lock eyes for a moment (which honestly comes off as a tender moment).

Jk breaks eye contact and lightly laughs when Tae ends the moment with a small  “내” = “yeah”, probably finding him cute.

(Timestamp 25:27)

Tae asks if he can give a spoiler, and it appears he’s asking in regards to the upcoming personal album BTS plans to release in Oct. We can base this on him briefly mentioning Yoongi spoiling things about the upcoming album, and then Tae asks if he can say what Jimin’s role is, to which Jk whispers “say it”.

Tae still looks at Jk for reassurance despite receiving approval from staff.

Jk delicately prods him on (extremely softly).

Instead, Tae makes an interesting comment and says he is going to have a meeting after the vlive about what his image will be for ARMY (since Tae’s role for the album is being the visual director).

Jk laughs and scrunches up his nose at the change of heart -

(Timestamp 26:07)

Jk mentions he usually doesn’t dream about his group members.

Tae looks down (in both senses) and makes a sound with his mouth. This causes Jk to check up on him.

Jk then finds it necessary to justify it by softly saying it's because they always spend time together.

(Timestamp 27:20 - all moments above are part 2- http://www.vlive.tv/video/189708)

They started the vlive with a gap between them, and ended close together:

Taekook/vkook trend worldwide after this vlive and smash records. At one point, it had 2 million tweets. 

Notable stats that show Taekook support is strong: 10M views on Vlive combined, over 500 million hearts on vlive, 1 million tweets in real time and counting, 1 million likes on the seleca within 3 hours, #1 trending topic worldwide, in the US, and in multiple countries AFTER ONLY BEING ON THE VLIVE FOR 15 MINUTES. They trended at #1 for almost 4 hours. They still trended in the day at the #5-6 position. Multiple names trended – Taekook, KOOKV and VKOOK being examples. Dispatch posts the selca on their Instagram. Dispatxh did NOT post any other vlive seleca, only Taekook’s. 14 hours after the two vlives were posted, they had a combined 16.4 million views and over 830 million hearts. 

Seleca: 

(https://twitter.com/bts_twt/status/1257577057862610951?s=21)

The vlive and seleca were iconic enough for Dispatch and other media outlets, like metro, to cover it.        

(metro link: https://twitter.com/metro_ents/status/1257594769229975552?s=21)

  Fun fact!

Funny fact - Vpick on taekook vlive: subtitle 😂🙈🤐🥴

[morethanmuses]

Ten Women Inclusive Bands To Check Out This International Women’s Day.

This list is for those of you who want to discover some more modern, punk/alternative bands with women at the helm! Here are ten of our picks (in no particular order).

1. Meet Me @ The Altar

Formed remotely in 2015 after the girls met online, Edith Johnson (vocals), Téa Campbell (guitar) and Ada Juarez (drums) recently signed to Fueled By Ramen after gaining attention online in 2020. They are teasing new music in follow up to their 2019 EP ‘Bigger Than Me’ and their 2020 singles ‘May The Odds Be In Your Favor’ and ‘Garden’. They offer some much needed representation for black and brown girls in the more mainstream alternative scene and hopefully they will help open the door to more recognition for WOC in these genres.

Spotify

Our favourite track(s): Beyond My Control, Tyranny, Garden, May The Odds Be In Your Favour, Caught In The Middle (Paramore cover).

2. Stand Atlantic

While they have been a band in some form since 2012, Australia’s Stand Atlantic began going by the name in 2014. They’ve gained steady momentum since releasing their debut EP ‘Sidewinder’ in 2017, touring with the likes of New Found Glory and State Champs, quickly making a name for themselves in their own right. Their relatable, down to earth approach to social media has helped garner them a faithful fanbase, along with the stellar debut album ‘Skinny Dipping’ (2018) and sophomore album ‘Pink Elephant’ (2020).

Spotify

Our favourite track(s): Push, Lost My Cool, Hate Me (Sometimes), Drink To Drown, Your Graduation (Modern Baseball cover), Righteous (Juice WRLD cover).

3. Meg & Dia

Sisters Meg (guitar) and Dia (vocals) Frampton have been playing music together since they were children. In 2004, they began writing original music together under the name Meg & Dia. They released their debut acoustic album ‘Our Home Is Gone’ in 2005. They reworked some of these tracks for their album ‘Something Real’, having recruited a full band to fill out their sound. They enjoyed popularity on MySpace, especially with their single ‘Monster’, and consequently played Warped Tour in 2006. Over the years they have explored many genres within their music, combining rock with folk, indie, and most recently pop. After a break in 2012 in which Dia pursued her solo career, she was a contestant on (and almost won) The Voice US. In 2019, the girls reformed to play the final Warped Tour, and released their fifth album ‘happysad’.

Spotify

Our favourite track(s): Monster, Inside My Head, Dreams Like Oceans, The Broken Ones (Dia Frampton solo), Teenagers.

4. Sonic Boom Six

Fronted by Laila Khan (Laila K) and Paul Barnes (Barney Boom) Sonic Boom Six formed in 2002 in Manchester, UK. Blending punk, ska, grime and hip hop with lyrics focusing on social commentary to challenge issues such as racism and sexism. Known for their energetic live shows, the band has a strong underground following, and have played festivals such as 2000 trees and Warped Tour. Their single ‘For The Kids Of The Multiculture’ was featured in the video game ‘The Sims 3′ expansion pack ‘Showtime’.

Spotify

Our favourite track(s): Monkey See Monkey Do, While You Were Sleeping, Meanwhile Back In The Real World, Virus, From the Fire to the Frying Pan.

5. Hot Milk

Another export of Manchester, Hot Milk began releasing music in 2019 with their debut EP ‘Are You Feeling Alive?’. Fronted by Hannah Mee and Jim Shaw, who both share vocal and guitar duties, they don’t want to be confined to any one genre and prefer having the freedom to write whatever they feel like. They have supported the likes of Foo Fighters, as well as playing Download, Slam Dunk and Reading & Leeds festivals. Mee has also spoken openly about her sexuality, and is currently in a relationship with Bonnie of Stand Atlantic.

Spotify

Our favourite track(s): June Gloom, Candy Coated Lie$, Awful Ever After, California’s Burning.

6. The Skints

Formed in 2004 in London, The Skints are a reggae punk (or ‘tropical punk’ as they describe themselves) band. Vocal duties are often traded between multi-instrumentalist Marcia Richards, guitarist Joshua Waters Rudge and drummer Jamie Kyriakides. Marcia will keep audiences guessing what new instrument she might play from song to song. Onstage - on top of vocals - she plays guitar, keyboards, sampler, melodica, flute and alto saxophone. Their fourth studio album ‘Swimming Lessons’ (2019) reached number one on the Billboard reggae chart. The band have played with the likes of You Me At Six, Mayday Parade and NOFX. They have never signed with a major label, prefering one-time licensing with independent labels in order to retain creative control over their music.

Spotify

Our favourite track(s): Just Can’t Take No More, Where Did You Go?, Let’s Stay Together - Live at Electric Brixton (Al Green cover), Learning to Swim.

7. Courage My Love / Softcult

Courage My Love are a Canadian band formed in 2009 by twin sisters Mercedes (vocals, guitar) and Phoenix (drums) Arn-Horn and joined by Brandon Lockwood (bass) in 2013. Early releases were pop punk/alternative rock, but the band has transitioned to a more synthpop sound on later releases. Their EP ‘Becoming’ was nominated for Breakthrough Group of the Year at the JUNO Awards. They later re-released ‘Becoming’ as a full album in 2015. Phoenix self-produced their latest EP ‘Spectra’. During 2020, Mercedes and Phoenix began making music under the side project ‘Softcult’ which has a grungier sound.

Spotify

Our favourite track(s): Kerosene, You Don’t Know How, Stereo, Original, Everybody’s Lonely, Another Bish (Softcult).

8. Mint Green

Mint Green are an indie/punk band from Boston. Founded by frontwoman Ronnica and drummer Daniel, the pair are joined by bassist Tiffany and guitarist Brandon. They released their debut EP ‘Growth’ in 2016 and continue to grow a dedicated fanbase through their live shows and outspoken social media presence.

Spotify

Bandcamp

Our favourite track(s): Take Care, Callie, Changing, Motion Sickness (Phoebe Bridgers cover), Adore You (Harry Styles cover).

9. Pinkshift

Baltimore based Pinkshift began releasing music in 2020 and have quickly gained popularity. Inspired by 90s grunge and 2000s pop punk, they pull from various individual influences and combine them with their shared love of angsty rock. The band consists of Ashrita Kumar (vocals), Paul Vallejo (guitar), Myron Houngbedji (drums) and Erich Weinroth (bass).

Spotify

Our favourite track(s): Rainwalk, Toro, On Thin Ice, i’m gonna tell my therapist on you.

10. Forever Emerald

Forever Emerald are a pop rock band from Los Angeles. The band consists of vocalist Devin Papadol, guitarist Brodie Higgs and bassist Tay Fischer. They released their debut EP ‘Safer Space’ in 2019, and while lockdown may have stopped them from touring, they have continued to provide fans with livestream gigs and teasers from the studio where they’re working on new music.

Spotify

Our favourite track(s): Candy, Safer Space, So Sure.

[astudyinfreewill]

Something Wicked This Way Comes: or, the Rising Dark in Ronan’s Arc

as some of you may know because i never shut up about witch!adam i’ve been convinced for a while now that adam would go darkside in the dreamer trilogy. what i did not predict however, was that ronan is probably headed down a dark path himself. i thought the basic premise of the trilogy would have ronan in danger from both the nightwash and the zed hunters (which obviously still applies; he is very much in danger from those things), and adam striking some sort of dark bargain in an attempt to protect him. but after reading cdth, i think things might be about to take a more sinister turn.

so here are some thoughts i’ve been poring over, under a cut for length. what can you expect? well, there’s rambling! there’s bullet points! there are lyrics-inspired section headings! (we have fun around here.)

let’s start with the obvious, shall we?

1. “The Sandman, He Comes”

so...bryde.

we don’t know much about bryde - who or what he is, how he’s able to infiltrate ronan’s dreams, whether he can do it to other dreamers too, why he didn’t want to reveal himself, what’s his agenda - but what we do know is that ronan trusted him very, very fast. suspiciously fast, in fact. fast enough that adam remarks on it in chapter 39: “earlier today you had a gun on me. i’m just asking you give him the same shake as me”.

to clarify: in the previous chapter, ronan was shaken enough to hold a gun to adam, the love of his life, and not lower it even when he feels reasonably sure it’s him; yet it never occurs to him in the book to question bryde or his motives. when adam says he wants scry to try and get more info on him, ronan seems almost annoyed by adam’s wariness (ronan narrowed his eyes. “don’t gimme that look, ronan”) to which adam replies, understandably, that it’s only fair ronan holds a complete stranger to the same safety standards as his own boyfriend, at least.

but why shouldn’t ronan trust bryde (apart from the fact that he has no information about him whatsoever)? well, bryde’s behaviour is pretty damn shady, and extremely reminiscent of the ways that a cult leader might try to recruit people to his cause. @deerlovelylily​ discussed it very eloquently in this post, but just to recap:

bryde is able to access ronan’s dreams at will, including interacting with objects from them: he had the hoverboard at the end, and he knew exactly what was on the stomach of the murder crabs. (@streghe​ had a very clever suggestion that there’s a nonzero chance bryde actually caused the crabs to manifest in the dorm, since ronan barely saw them in the dream; why would bryde do that? well, to make sure ronan was cut off from adam, his real life support system and, coincidentally, a psychic who doesn’t trust bryde)

there is considerable evidence that he can access ronan’s memories/other parts of his subconscious as well, since he knows a lot more about his waking life than he should, constantly referencing people and events from it (as well as obviously knowing where ronan is/what he’s up to, which is very stalkerish in itself)

bryde uses this knowledge to manipulate and influence ronan through the words of people in ronan’s life. in ch. 58 he asks ronan “are you going to be quiet?”, which we know from trk is what niall used to say to the brothers before telling them a story. in ch. 43, he talks about the “emotional costs” of saving someone’s life, mirroring almost exactly the words of warning adam had told ronan in ch. 33 (“there’s such thing as an emotional cost”). adam was warning ronan about trusting bryde too easily, and we know ronan values adam’s opinion; by repeating adam’s words to him bryde is pulling a see, i can’t possibly have shady motives, because i am acknowledging the same risk adam warned you about.

that’s far from the only manipulative thing bryde does. his behaviour constantly alternates between praising ronan, guilting him, taunting him, and ordering him about.

in ch. 43 he tells ronan he’s “the most expensive thing he’s ever saved”, reinforcing the idea that A) ronan is special, B) bryde cares about him, and C) it cost him a lot to save ronan so ronan should feel grateful/guilty/indebted to him. he does this knowing full well that ronan isn’t going to doubt his motives for saving him, because ronan himself - brave boy that he is - has just told him he would save a dreamer without any questions asked.

bryde never shows himself to ronan until the very end, which has the combined effects of keeping him in the dark/at a disadvantage, and making him more intrigued by bryde’s mystery; at the same time, he constantly asks ronan to prove himself and earn the dubious privilege of finally meeting him (“next box”)

bryde promises things that he knows ronan wants: first and foremost, understanding of his dreamer powers; second, a community, by hooking him up with other dreamers (ronan’s been asking what am i, why isn’t there anyone like me, am i the only one? for a long time); last but not least, he heavily hints that he can free dreams from their dreamers, something ronan is desperate to do in order to give matthew his freedom

on more than one occasion, bryde gives ronan direct orders: “scrub [the word ‘real’] from your vocabulary”; “i don’t want you to think this ever again: it was just a dream”. and ronan obeys him, or is at least very affected by it. where he at first questioned whether his dreams of bryde were real, now he questions reality (e.g. holding a gun to his very real boyfriend and asking himself what is real?); in ch. 24 he thinks about the words just a dream and how bryde “had forbidden him from ever saying them again”. since when does ronan follow orders? who is bryde to “forbid” him to do anything?

bryde constantly deploys examples Us VS Them rhetoric, creating a schism between dreamers and humanity, magic and humanity. we know (and bryde probably knows) ronan has always struggled with not feeling human and not knowing what he is; that he deeply wants to be able to fit into the real world. what bryde is effectively saying is no, you’re not human, in fact humans and magic are enemies, and the real world is not for you... unless you can shape it to your will. 

to me, bryde’s spiels sound very... dreamer-supremacist, for lack of a better term. at the moment, dreamers are oppressed by the moderators, so they’re right to rebel; but there’s an emphasis on dreamers being more powerful than anyone else, and what they could do with that power. it kind of reminds me of magneto re: mutants in the marvel universe. and i think that is the direction he’s headed in: separate ronan from his human family and escalate the conflict between humans and dreamers much further than simple self-defense from the moderators.

there’s plenty of reasons to be mistrustful (if not outright skeeved the fuck out), right? so why does ronan trust bryde? well, several reasons.

2. “On The Right Side Of Rock Bottom” 

ronan is at the lowest that he’s been since tdt. it’s better and worse at the same time -- in a way, it’s worse because it’s better. in tdt, ronan was deeply in denial about himself and the things he wanted; now he knows what he wants (a happy life with adam) and can’t go after it, trapped at the barns. in tdt, ronan was suicidal; now he wants to live, and so of course his life is threatened on all sides, internally by the nightwash, externally by the moderators. 

through all of trc, one of ronan’s main goals was to return to the barns, feeling like his key to happiness was in his childhood home. but as it turns out (and as i suspected all along), being stuck alone and isolated on a dream farm surrounded by eerie sleeping things and a handful of incredibly traumatic memories of his dead parents isn’t as fulfilling as ronan imagined. to make things worse, he’s created a security system for the barns that causes him to relive his fears and traumas over and over (ronan for the love of God, why would you dream something like that). his brothers live in DC, which is close, but not that close -- and though he’s mending fences with declan, they still are somewhat at odds. his best friends, gansey and blue, are travelling the country with henry, and we know from the opal story ronan misses them and feels left behind. at the start of cdth he tries to escape by following adam to cambridge -- and that immediately goes pear-shaped, whether by accident or, as said above, by sabotage.

now ronan is truly alone, cut off from visiting adam, living with the guilt of wrecking his dorm and the self-loathing following the fact that adam had to tell people he’s, essentially, an unstable drunk (the place he actually was at in tdt). it feels like the progress has been erased. this is the first time since tdt ronan has hit rock bottom, and cdth tells us he sinks into depression, staying in bed for days, not showering or changing, eating expired food. he thinks of a life trapped at the barns alone doing nothing, and feels understandably suffocated. all the more so because it feels like everyone else is moving on - declan has his own life, gansey/blue/henry have their adventures, and adam... well, adam is growing up, which ronan feels he himself can’t do. this comes up at several points in the book: in ch. 5 ronan doesn’t recognize adam, noting he’s “growing from something beaten down into whoever he was supposed to be”, but finds it ridiculous that adam doesn’t recognize him because he’s still the same: “adam was changing; ronan couldn’t.” later, in ch.23, he notes that he often dreams of adam as older/more adult, while ronan himself is stuck in arrested development.

essentially: ronan is stuck. so of course, any lead that comes up - whether that’s mór ó corra, the new fenian, hennessy, or bryde, is going to make him reckless and ready to risk everything, because anything is better than being buried alive at the barns.

3. “Guilty, On the Run, And I Know What I Have Done”

remember how i said ronan hits rock bottom at the start of the book? well, it’s time to grab a shovel and keep digging, because then there’s the matthew thing. 

so... we learn very early on in the book (in case we didn’t already know from trc) that ronan feels deeply torn about his dreaming. he loves to create, but feels guilty about creating life, because that feels like an act of hubris against God to him. and he feels especially guilty about creating matthew, because that means A) that matthew’s safety and life depend on ronan’s, and B) that matthew essentially has no free will, something that’s very important to catholic morals.

the moment matthew figures out he’s a dream-thing, and calls ronan out on lying to him, ronan is dropped into a fiery pit of shame, guilt, and self-loathing (and we already know that all of ronan’s emotions which are not happiness manifest as anger). he remains despondent even in dreams, and essentially, refuses to deal with matthew’s hurt and disappointment. which on one hand is justified, because he has ~Dramatic Dreamer Developments~ happening; but on the other hand, he’s essentially avoiding responsibility towards his brother, lashing out at declan in needlessly mean ways when declan tries to get him to be there for matthew (“dad’s working, sweetie”... really?). it’s a kind of pettiness that ronan hasn’t displayed in a while, and it speaks to me of his own restlessness and self-loathing more than anything.

we already know ronan feels alone, frustrated, isolated, scared, trapped -- now he also feels guilty on top of it all, and it just redoubles his determination to free matthew (something bryde has hinted he can do, knowing the power it would have on ronan). this is ronan at his worst, and we see it not just in how dismissive he is of declan, but in how he treats hennessy in chapter 67. he wants hennessy to dream up the lace, so he can show her how to stop dreaming of it (which in itself is dangerous, since lindenmere can manifest dreams, and in fact it ends up almost killing hennessy). but he gets absolutely furious when hennessy can’t dream properly -- because she’s, you know, kind of stuck on the slightly traumatic memory of witnessing her mom killing herself in front of her. it’s something you’d expect ronan to have sympathy for, seeing as he’s witnessed both of his parents’ violent deaths. instead, he’s impatient, snappy, insisting hennessy isn’t trying hard enough -- and downright cruel, shooting hennessy’s clone before her eyes, then trying to force her to shoot herself (especially relevant when you remember the church scene in bllb, and how shaken ronan was at having to kill a copy of himself).

this new ronan, it seems, has reached rock bottom and then some, and he’s got no time for empathy anymore. we see this in the metaphor of lindenmere, a darker, scarier, more dangerous version of cabeswater (i.e. trc ronan), because “dangerous things can protect themselves”. we see this once again at the end, when he assumes his sundogs have torn someone apart limb from limb and he feels absolutely no regret, only rage. yes, matthew was in danger... but kavinsky also tried to kill matthew in tdt, and ronan still didn’t feel like he could kill kavinsky in cold blood. this is a new, darker ronan, brought to this point by desperation. he reminds me a lot of anakin in the prequel star wars movies (i know, i know...) and how he let his fear lead him to the dark side by trusting a powerful, shady mentor that he should never have trusted. how does it go? “fear leads to anger, anger leads to hatred, hatred leads to suffering.” and suffering leads to - or maybe is the dark side.

4.“Holding Out For A Hero”

still, you might say, why is ronan falling for bryde’s manipulation so easily? can he not see through it? how can he trust someone he doesn’t know, someone who refuses to be upfront with him? someone his psychic boyfriend with an uncanny character judging skills is understandably wary of?

in short... ronan needs a hero. 

or well, he needs a father, and those things are the same to him. ronan idolised niall, and he’s missed him terribly ever since niall diad. he missed him badly enough that he wanted to die for a very long time. now he’s coming to terms with the fact niall isn’t coming back, and not just that, but it turns out that niall might not be everything ronan thought he was (ronan hasn’t fully realised it yet, but he’ll get there; he’s starting to put the pieces together, from what declan and other people tell him of niall).

but if he accepts that niall’s gone, and worse, that niall wasn’t the infallible hero ronan thought he was... who has he got left to guide him? niall wasn’t just his father, either, but he was the only dreamer ronan knew for the longest time (the only other one was kavinsky, who sexually assaulted him and tried to kill his brother, so... not a great example) and yet he didn’t give ronan any guidance. and ronan needs dreamer guidance right now, with the nightwash threatening to kill him at every step.

enter bryde, promising all that and more. bryde’s not only a dreamer, he comes across like the alpha dreamer, ancient and powerful and all-knowing. he promises ronan tantalising answers, and even more importantly than that, he promises him community -- other people like him, so he won’t feel alone, so he won’t feel like a freak or an abomination; it has not yet occurred to ronan that (as maggie said in her video explaining the art/creation metaphor of the series) not all dreamers are equal: they don’t share the same skills or motives. 

ronan is desperate for what bryde is promising, for that kind of guidance in his life. all throughout the book, there is a lot of talk of heroes: ronan was raised on stories of the irish heroes of old, who accomplished amazing feats even though they were held back by geasa (magical weaknesses like his nightwash). ronan constantly thinks of these folk stories, while excluding himself from it (“ronan was no hero, but he knew fucking right from fucking wrong”). and how does he describe bryde when he finally sees him in ch. 79? yep, you guessed it: 

“he looked like a man who didn’t have to posture, who knew his strength. he looked like a man who didn’t lose his temper very easily. he looked, ronan thought, like a hero.”

ronan -- who is always posturing, who doesn’t know his own strength, who loses his temper very easily, who doesn’t think he’s a hero -- sees bryde as everything he’s not. and he’s willing to show him the same faith and devotion he once showed niall, because he needs a hero, a father, a teacher.

but i don’t think bryde is going to be the hero. i think ronan is going to be. there’s some early foreshadowing of this with ronan being depicted as “a gallant irish hero of old” while he kills the crabs (more posturing, really) but actually, we’ve known this all the way since trk, with niall asking declan to make sure that “ronan was the name of the hero, not the spear”; dreamers are weapons, but they don’t have to be. being a hero, ultimately, is about knowing fucking right from fucking wrong. and i believe ronan does.

but before he gets to be the hero, he’ll have to be the spear. and right now? he’s a spear in bryde’s hand. 

we know a dreamer is supposedly going to bring about the apocalypse through fire; we know ronan and fire have always been associated; we know bryde hates the modern world and would like to reboot it; we know bryde has selected ronan as his chosen one, for whatever reason.

when you connect the dots, they spell a whole lot of trouble.

[millennial-star-gazer]

Tantric Flames: Chapter: 9

Tantric Flames

Nalu lovefest 2019 Prompts: Magic, Worship, Reckless , Forbidden and Cravings (All Implied)

Genres: Romance, Humor, New Adult Fanfiction

Pairing:Nalu (Natsu x Lucy)

Rating: M for language, steamy and mature adult sexual content (all consensual) in these and future chapters. Reader Direction is advised.(You've been warned!)

Summary: One look, one smouldering hooded gaze, one word, one fiery kiss, one magnetizing touch was all he needed for her to completely unravel at his mercy alone, succumbing to the sinful temptation of her inhibitions, his love, his feral passion, his raw, insatiable desires, his "Tantric Flames". Originally an Submission for Nalulovefest 2017 (on previous accounts) in which Natsu gives his mate a tantric massage-after much persuasion- she won't soon forget when it turns into so much more. Also previously featured in Nalu lovefest 2018 (on current accounts) , as well as Nalu Week 2017, Nalu Fluff Week and Nalu lovefest 2017 (as stated) with first three chapters on my previous celestialgeekmage accounts . Chapter 7 was also an entry for nalu week 2019 and Chapter 8 for Nalu Lovefest 2019. ( Nalu-centric) (Slight Au).

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Chapter 9: Tempted by A Tantric Touch

A/N: Hey guys, it's your girl Millennial StarGazer! This time I'm returning with another long-awaited installment of Tantric Flames. Once again, a major thanks to and koodos to @bmarvels, @mannyegb, @animezing-fandoms/princess-starry-night, and @allie-and-her-fandoms for helping me edit and further develop this chapter! Now without further ado, here's the story-enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fairytail which belongs to the one and only Hiro-sensei instead!

(Note: Scroll down pas the keep reading button/ cut for the designated links, legend and actual chapter.  The tagging feature and keep reading button might not show up or fully work on the desktop site but should function just fine on the app and mobile version.

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1. Tantric Flames

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Chapter: 9          (Next Chapter ) (Coming Soon)

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Legend:

Italic: Song Lyrics/Quotes (or flashback dialogue)

Bold: First Person Thoughts

Bolded Italics: Empathized Word(s)

Bolded Italics (Within and Outside Bracket) including for author's side notes also known as (A/N:) within brackets (though none for side-notes in this chapter ).

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"You run your fingers over every part of my body and tease me with your touch".

(Source Unknown)

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Oh God, those love bites. So many love bites that decorated the blonde's creamy skin like jewels; far too numerous to count that always sent a red-hot line fire rippling through her nerves with with every nip, every suck; each every and stroke of Natsu's velvet tongue. Plus, he's usually doing other things at the same time. Racy images of the couple's steamy moments together from the last soak flooded Lucy's mind.

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Flashback

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The celestial mage's back arching of its own accord into Natsu's touch from robust hands cupping her breast; Blazing digits kneading the twin peaks in time with lips sucking along Lucy's pulse with so much skill that she couldn't help the heady moan that escaped her throat.

"Ya feel that, Luce?" Nastu growled in his princess's ear, the dark undercurrent of his territorial voice pulling a tingly shiver from her. "My marks all over that perfect body of yours— and not just the permanent one when you swore your heart to me . All of those are symbols of my essence, my claim, my love. That you belong to me and me alone. My mate and queen, forever and always. And those sounds you're makin'? Hot as hell."

Pretty sure, dude leaves marks on me as his way of announcing to the world I'm off limits as his mate. Explains why he's always quick to leave a fresh one in its place even after I cover them— not that I'm complaining. Plus, it's not only for his benefit but mine. It's great that he knows how much I love receiving hickeys and gets off from it.

Seriously, what more could I ask for?

Not to mention how lovely it always was to unwind with Natsu after each bath. The wizard was often keen in his offer to dry the blonde's damp hair with a towel or fire-magic-powered steam; from her perch on his lap or between his legs. 

Much more relaxing than using a hair dryer if you ask me.

 The dragonslayer would sometimes even hum or sing a familiar tune from days past in that appealing, gravelly baritone of his; would usually lull the already-zen mage into the world of dreams when combined with the sooth dual sensation of fingers combing through her hair, .

"I tell you, I tell you, the dragonborn comes ..."

Anyother guild member who might be eavesdropping, however, would often be quick to lightheartedly goad the blonde mage ( much to her chargin). Natsu no doubt would find this hilarious of course; which would serve for Lucy's cheeks to flush an even deeper shade of crimson than she already was.

"Say Luce, is that a blush I see?" he once crooned, a teasing edge to his words; though the affectionate mirth sparkling in his eyes warmed her heart just a little. "Aw, is my girl a little embarrassed? That's okay though— makes ya all the more adorable and endearing than you already are. You want me to make it all better? Cuz I can! Got plenty of kisses! Come on, you know you want some which I'm more than happy to give. God I love ya' so much, you know that?"

It's amazing really... Lucy ruminated in fond awe. How Natsu can switch between the different roles and sides to him with relative ease. From Romantic and tender to dominant, playful and affectionate; then back again on top of everything else all seemingly at the drop of a hat. All an innate part of his overall nature I guess— essentially what makes up who he is. Some people may find this a bit confusing to keep up with— but I don't. Just makes him all the more complex.

Though those people would also be right when they say that the dude still has a devious streak, she couldn't help but add with wry smirk. Even with me, though never with malicious intent. German suplex, non-stop tickling, dumping me in a tub of freezing cold water during one of our baths— too many pranks to count really. At least he's always quick to follow up with plenty of affection ever since we became an item— can't complain about that."

"You ready to get started Lucy?" Natsu's keen voice broke through Lucy's reverie.

"You know it!" The celestial mage chirped, unable to mask the pure enthusiasm in her voice; earning an amused chuckle from the dragon wizard . "Can't wait. I take it you'll be hoarding me for the rest of the afternoon?"

"Mhmm" Came his content hum in response." That really a bad thing, though?"

"No, definitely not."

"I figured. Why don't we get you up on that massage bed?"

"Sure thing!"

A buzz of anticipation was practically thrumming in Lucy's blood from such tantalizing implications of his words; the stunt Natsu pulled next , though— that was what really shot a thrilling jolt up her spine.

"Let's finish what we started later, yeah?"

The dragonslayer's proposal was punctuated by a light tap on the summoner's ass for good measure,; which resulted in a delighted squeal.

"O-okay!" was said female's response in the form of a breathy giggle.

"Let me get you that towel while I'm at it."

"Sure— thanks."

"My pleasure."

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A Few Minutes Later

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"Ugh...do me a huge favor and burn this towel. Will ya?"

Lucy couldn't help but let out an audible groan along with the heat rising in her cheeks. Good god was the particularly moist spot on the white towel a truly mortifying sight to behold. Basically tell-tale remnants of liquid arousal that had been wiped clean from her legs just moments before.

Mavis only knows what would happen if Levy or Cana noticed during laundry duty.

" Okay... why though?" Natsu questioned, brows drawing together in mild confusion. "As in why do you want me to?"

"Guild Laundry day" came Lucy's automatic reply."That's why."

"Not following ya.' Natsu blinked owlishly in uncomprehension.

"Levy…..and Cana….." Lucy supplied, a finger twirling an errant strand of blonde hair in :a self-conscious display." "I... uh.."

"Still don't know what you mean here, Luce."

"It's their turn to do laundry duty." She attempted to break down what was apparently such an abstract concept into simpler terms; not able to help the aggravation rising in the back of her mind.

"Yeah? So?"

"They'll probably see the moist stain on the towel." Lucy clarified, forcing her voice to remain level.

"I see— don't see the problem though."

"Think about who'll most likely be with them ."

"Gajeel and Laxus but…...ahh—"

Realization dawned on Natsu's face. "I get it now. What you're saying is that they'll probably catch a whiff of your arousal? "

"Well, the lingering remnants of the scent anyway. Seriously though?" he tacked on, lifting a questioning brow."That's what you're worried about?"

"Yeah... I am," Lucy admitted, nerves leaking into her voice. "Aren't you?"

"Not really, no." Natsu gave a shrug of his shoulders—seemingly unfazed.

"Why's that?" Lucy couldn't help but shoot him a puzzled glance. 

"Cuz it'll show everyone how much I rocked your world." Natsu replied, flashing his mate a cheeky grin. " And what's not to love about that?"

"Pervert — of course you'd say that!" Lucy screeched, skin flushing a deep shade of crimson.

"That's me!"

"Ugh, still don't know what to do about the moist spot— those four are never gonna let me live it down."

"You know if you're that worried, I could always use my tongue to clean ya up instead." Natsu drawled with a lazy smirk that set her heart all pit-patter .

"And of course, you'd suggest that," Lucy quipped with a slight roll of her eyes. "Did I mention how much of a horn dragon you are? "

"Yeah, but only for a certain gorgeous blonde of mine and she loves it."

"Oh, she does, huh?" Lucy raised a challenging brow.

"Yep. Don't bother trying to deny it, Luce".

"Ugh fine... you're right. I do. Seriously, you and your colossal ego though."

"Why, thank you! If you're impressed by that, you'd really should see my co—"

The rest of Natsu's words were cut off by Lucy's hand swatting him with a pillow which was met with a snicker.

"Pervert" Lucy deadpanned with another eye roll. "By way, you would've found yourself in the proverbial dog house if you actually meant the other kind of 'fighting earlier."

Only for Natsu's face to instantly fall in response to her statement.

"What?" Natsu objected, gaping at her with wide eyes. " And deprive me of the chance to wake up to your beautiful face each morning for that long?!"

"Yep." Lucy gave a nod by way of reply.

"But why? You know that's not the type of fightin' I met!"

"Well yeah, I know that now. But not earlier when you originally brought up. Just be glad that you didn't bail on our date earlier."

"I didn't though! And never would— honest Luce!" Natsu's voice lifted into a petulant whine.

"Hmm.. Okay, good to know. " Lucy responded, raising her hands to placate him. "Though you'll have to be without me for a few days anyway.

"Wait, seriously?" Natsu faltered , bewildered panic flashing in his eyes. . "Come on! What is it this time?"

"Camping retreat in the woods next week that Cana, Mira, Lisanna, and Erza are organizing— ladies only."

"W-ha?" Natsu continued to sputter, his poor brain no doubt short circuiting by now." But Elfman said that it was open to anyone who's free to go!"

"Really? Lucy mused in thoughtful interest. "That's not what I heard... huh."

"What am I supposed to do without you?"

"How about something fun with the guys? Should be nice, right?"

"Yeah, but so is spending time with you Lucy! It's always more fun when we're together like you said."

"And I don't disagree. Doesn't change anything though. The trip's still happening."

"Didn't say it wasn't but it'd still suck here without you! Natsu moaned, that desperate sense of longing bleeding into his voice. " I'd miss ya' too much! So would our little buddy! Can't we tag along? Maybe Even share an air mattress in a decent-sized tent? I'd gladly help set up and keep you cozy in my arms at night."

"What about Happy?" Lucy questioned, intrigued by his suggestion. His offer does sound really tempting.

"Obviously he'd share the tent with us but would have his own sleeping bag and could hang with Wendy and Carla whenever we wanted alone time. Plus there are all these cool spots I could take you to on nature hikes!."

"Sounds great."

"Course it is! So whaddya say? You onboard?" Natsu wheedled, flashing her what could only be described as the most flawless puppy eyes she'd ever seen.

"Aw that's really tempting and" Lucy gushed, heart contracting at the adorable pout he was throwing in too. Normally I'd say yes"— but it'll have to wait. Thank you though! I'd love to take you up on that offer another day."

"Oh come on— please I wanna go!" Natsu huffed,stamping his foot as if he were a child pitching a fit over being denied a coveted toy- quite an amusing display to say the least.

"Not this time I'm afraid. Sorry, them's the brakes."

"Lucyyyyyyyyy!" Natsu whined again, dragging the syllables of her name with such melodrama that she finally decided to let him off the hook

" Jeez.. enough with the dramatics already. " Lucy yielded with an exasperated groan, You can still come— the trip is for everyone. I was only kidding after all."

Said confession was met with a noise of stunned dimsay from from the pyro.

"Wait... so ya' mean to tell me that this was a joke?! he muttered, voice coming out with a small pinch of disbelief. "You were pulling my leg the entire time?"

"Yep— consider it payback for me making think you were gonna ditch earlier."

"That's why? That's not nice, Luce— not very nice at all." Natsu grumbled, though not with any real heat.

"Oh yeah, what are you gonna do about it?" Lucy baited, a daring lilt to her words.

" Oh —- wouldn't you like to know?" Natsu rumbled, eyes sparking in a such a calculating way that it sent a electrifying chill down Lucy's spine.

"I would— ngh! Nastuuuu!"

The rest of what Lucy was attempting to say Lucy's words were cut off by the lighting- fast sweep of Natsu's velvet tongue up her thighs . Not to mention that electric high-voltage jolt of ecstasy flooding her veins.

"There! that should show ya!" Natsu let out a cackle of glee. " Not to ever play dirty tricks on a dragon I mean. Guess you're not gonna need that towel after all, huh Lucy?"

"My God..."

"Yeah, I know . Just that amazing with my tongue, I guess. Natsu purred, voice laced with am indecorous promise "Plus, hearing ya' scream my name like that just gave me another hard-on that I'd love for you to see .. "

"Jeez … of course it'd would . and no real shocker that you would say something like that."

"Yep- you know me so well, Luce. and it's not like you're complain' anyway. Want me to prove it?"

" Maybe.. But God- you're such a pompous ass, you know that?"

"Yeah but all part of my charm, sweetheart."

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A/N: And that's Chapter 9 folks! My apologies for the delay by the way! I originally wanted to post this much sooner but got hit with writer's block after getting a somewhat stumped on a particular segment of this chapter. I've also been with my other ongoing fanfics, WIPs and responsibilities among other things in my life . That all aside, at least this chapter was finally posted! Now please feel free to do me a solid and let me know what you think by leaving a comment/ review! Stay tuned for Chapter 10 too! Oh and please feel free to check out the rest of my writing which can be found above, on my profiles and in master post if reading this on tumblr. All right, that's pretty much all I have to say for now! Thanks to all my mutuals/friends, readers and followers for their continuous support over the years! (Corresponding links for the master of my writing and profiles can be found above, in the navigation bar of the desktop and bio if reading this on tumblr.) Until next time-take care!

[mjmnorwood]

[I.D. A header image of two pencils on a yellow background, with title reading ‘Authorial Voice’. End I.D.]

Authorial voice is incredibly hard to define. It’s different to character voice and it’s different to style (both of which can change between an author’s works). I think of it is a fingerprint; the particular feel of the text that clues you in as to who the writer is. In this post I’ll give three examples of authors who I think have distinctive voices, then look at some of the elements that make up authorial voice. Fingers crossed it will be helpful for developing your own!

Example 1: Terry Pratchett

      It is said that the gods play games with the lives of men. But what games, and why, and the identities of the actual pawns, and what the game is, and what the rules are—who knows?       Best not to speculate.       Thunder rolled...       It rolled a six.

- Guards! Guards!

Pratchett is one of my favourite authors and it’s no surprise he made this list because he has an incredibly distinctive voice. No matter what book of his you pick up, you instantly know you’re reading Pratchett. His voice is gloriously witty, making use of wordplay and puns. It can also be dramatic and evocative (and these dramatic and evocative passages often lead to yet more wordplay). He always writes with an undercurrent of anger at injustices. I think Pratchett is a great author to read if you’re looking to see how an author’s voice develops. His early works like The Carpet People, even the first couple of Discworld books, have inklings of his distinctive voice, but it shines through so much more strongly in later books, as he writes with more and more confidence.

Example 2: Lois McMaster Bujold

      “Well, let me...” His hand stroked her hair gently, then desperately wrapped itself in a shimmering coil; they kissed again.       “Uh, sir?” Lieutenant Illyan, coming up the path, cleared his throat noisily. “Had you forgotten the staff conference?”       Vorkosigan put her from him with a sigh. “No, Lieutenant. I haven’t forgotten.”       “May I congratulate you, sir?” He smiled.       “No, Lieutenant.”       He unsmiled. “I—don’t understand, sir.”       “That’s quite all right, Lieutenant.”

- Shards of Honour

Some context for the exchange above: Cordelia, the MC, and Vorkosigan are in love, but after a long discussion they have decided they can’t be together due to irreconcilable differences between their home planets. Illyan mistakes their parting kiss for Cordelia accepting a marriage proposal.

Bujold is another favourite of mine, and her voice is completely different to Pratchett. Whereas Pratchett will often digress to add details or make jokes, Bujold is very to-the-point. Her writing is incredibly easy to read. It tells you exactly what you need to know and no more (if she waxes lyrical about something, you can be sure there’s a very good reason). I think the use of ‘unsmiled’ in the example above shows off her voice very well. Technically, it’s not a real word, but it perfectly conveys the abrupt change of expression that comes with Illyan’s confusion. She could have written something like ‘his smile fell away’, but it just wouldn’t pack the same punch.

Example 3: Susanna Clarke

Some years ago there was in the city of York a society of magicians. They met upon the third Wednesday of every month and read each other long, dull papers upon the history of English magic.       They were gentleman-magicians, which is to say they had never harmed any one by magic—nor ever done any one the slightest good. In fact, to own the truth, not one of these magicians had ever cast the smallest spell, nor by magic caused one leaf to tremble upon a tree, made one mote of dust to alter its course or changed a single hair upon any one’s head. But, with this one minor reservation, they enjoyed a reputation as some of the wisest and most magical gentlemen in Yorkshire.

- Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell

Every time I pick up JS&MN (or its companion short story collection, The Ladies of Grace Adieu) I know I’m in for a treat, voice-wise. The long, rambling sentences, the archaic word choice, even sometimes deliberate misspellings of words, all combine to create a very unique voice. There’s a quiet, reserved sort of wit about it, never out-and-out jokes, but small things that make you smile. Clarke’s writing is also a good example of how the line between voice and style can blur. Since she hasn’t published anything that isn’t set in the JS&MN universe, it can be hard to tell what is her voice and what are stylistic choices to capture the milieu of the setting. The stories in The Ladies of Grace Adieu show a lot of variation in style, though (for example one is written as a diary, one like a fairytale), and her voice stays consistent through all of them—the word choice, tendency to long sentences, and that quiet wit are all the same.

Some elements of authorial voice

Vocabulary and word choice. Do you favour simple or complex language?

Sentence length and structure. Do your sentences tend toward the extended, or are they more short and snappy? (Note: varying sentences is important for flow and pacing, it’s just the overall trend towards long or short that I mean here).

The balance of dialogue and description. What occurs more in your writing, beautiful word-pictures or interesting conversations?

Use of literary devices. Do metaphors, similes and the like crop up a lot in your work, or is the narrative more sparse?

Paragraph use. Long and rambly or lots of breaks?

Story focus. Character? Plot? Worldbuilding? A mixture?

+ a whole host of other factors it’s difficult to summarise neatly (tone, stylistic choices etc...)

When it comes to developing your own voice, I honestly can’t say much more than write. Write a lot. You can’t really force voice; it doesn’t have shortcuts, you just have to see where your writing takes you. My one tip is that after you’ve written a lot, look over your work with a critical eye for some of the things mentioned above, and you’ll start to spot parts of your voice. Even though my voice is still very much in development, I’ve started to spot some patterns. I tend to use more dialogue than description, and have short paragraphs. I compared some of my work to a friend’s and noticed how different they looked on the page. Mine was broken up, whereas theirs had long paragraphs of description. I also tend not to use very advanced vocab, so when I do use a fancy word, you notice. Spotting elements of voice in your writing can help you decide what you like, and what you want to put more work into developing.

One final thing: if you don’t have a very distinctive voice, don’t stress about it! It will develop over time, and anyway, there are plenty of writers out there who don’t have very unique voices, but still write amazing, successful stories.

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