#who would of guess not wanting to be a parent might lead to you neglecting and not caring for your kids

[nugholas]

not me being emotionally attached to the worst alive person in this family this is so embarrassing

[furiousgoldfish]

I have a question: So like uh... how can you be sure if you are traumatized? My mind keeps swapping between thinking I'm traumatized and thinking I just had a slightly weird childhood and I'm simply over-reacting like I always do. Also second question that is more optional and you might not know: If your parents are unable to save you from an unfortunate circumstance like say... a sister that is violent loud and angry to both you and the parents.... and you often were in distress from say... a sister that would scream hit and punch and took all the parent attention to them and left you alone and hiding in your room... then could that lead to you growing up with the same effect of neglect? I'm guessing you would want a more clear picture of what happened to answer either one of these question so here it is: My sister was and is (but way more stable) mentally ill. I spent most of my years in elementary from 2nd and up living in a house with somebody who can harass, mock, and sometimes hurt me at any moment. She did mostly calm stuff like only say "retard" to me for a stretch of time that feels infinite because I was autistic, and almost punch me but stop and make fun of me getting scared. Very rarely she would go above and beyond by trying to drown me over a dipute and locking me in her room and refusing to let me out because I couldn't fix her computer. I adapted though, I pretty much avoided my sister as much as I can until recently when she calmed down. One thing I could never escape though was the yelling, the screaming, the crying. Every time my sister would have a mental breakdown, which was a whole, whole, whole lot, she was loud and sometimes violent about it. I was hardly ever in the middle of it, I usually just hid in my room while being forced to hear my sister's screams and my parents trying to get her to stop with as little force as possible. It's hard to describe the emotions, and I can try all I want to make you understand what this was like but I won't ever succeed so I'll stop. My sister also tried to kill herself a lot and been in and out of the mental hospital a whole lot so there is that too. Also my parents were amazing, don't worry. The worst thing about my parents is that my dad is a bit emotional but he usually didn't engage with my sister when he could get angry so it hardly came up in a bad way but he did escalate a lot of situations. My Mom was understanding and calm and didn't really fight back against my sister but like... in a good way, it's hard to describe without you knowing my sister. Sorry for the slop of words, I was thinking about like 2 other things at once while typing this and I don't have the energy to correct anything.

You can be sure you're traumatized if you have trauma symptoms. Trauma symptoms can range from feeling low self worth, fear and anxiety around people or specific circumstances and events, struggling with feeling normal around people, struggling with thoughts of self doubt, self hate, severe guilt and shame for everything that was done to you, or what happened, to the more recognizable ones: flashbacks, nightmares, emotional flashbacks, panic and anxiety attacks, losing control over emotions, not being able to regulate emotions at all, feeling unstable, desperate and terrified of the past and feeling low feelings or even complete despair about the future. It's also visible in struggling to have close relationships, feeling like you have to keep secrets, like nobody would love you if they truly knew you, feeling uncomfortable with people being near you or touching you (non-threateningly), running into isolation to keep yourself safe, or finding safety in substances, obsessions, addictions. Trauma can also manifest in development of disorders like eating disorders, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, ocd, depression. There's a lot of more subtle symptoms, you can check this list to see if any of this applies to you: Link.

It's often that traumatized people feel like they might be over-reacting, which is caused by the low self worth mentioned above; people who have normal self worth and are not self-conscious about how their emotions might inconvenience others, thus they don't stop to think if they're over-reacting, and take their feelings at face value. If a feeling is there, it's there for a reason, and the reason is unlikely to be something you made up. Sometimes what people will see as over-reacting is simply reacting to a trigger; even if you feel like your reaction was exaggerated, it's because something in your brain reacted to prior trauma and felt the need to evoke strong reaction so you would protect yourself against this event repeating, as it traumatized you in the past.

For example, if someone reacts with terror to a dog, we'd call it an over-reaction, but if you then find out they were bitten as a child and almost died, then terror is completely appropriate. It's like that with emotional trauma too, if something damaged you so badly as a kid you felt like you would never recover, your brain will react with terror or very strong emotions, to make sure you stay away and keep yourself protected. So it's really just a logical reaction, if you consider the past event and what it did to your life.

The circumstances you lived in as a child definitely warrant a lot of trauma. You describe your sister's presence as an 'unfortunate circumstance', but I don't see even one hint that your parents put actual effort in protecting you. Two adults are absolutely able to pay attention to more than one child at the time, and it sounds like you got completely neglected, and left to make your own conclusions to why that is. And you decided that parents cannot be at fault, because they couldn't do any better. I believe they could, because no child has deserved to be ignored and left to endure insults, slurs, screaming, yelling, punching, mocking, harassment and hurt at any moment, without any protection or care. Your parents were responsible for protecting you, and caring for you at any moment that you might have gotten hurt. It doesn't matter if they had 'a lot on their plate', because you are a human being they were responsible for protecting, and they failed you.

I can think of many things that could have been done differently to protect you, your sister could have been put in a place where she couldn't reach you, you could have been in a presence of a parent or a caretaker at all times to make sure nobody can hurt you, you could have been put in someone else's care as soon as it was obvious that your sister was hurting you, you could have been asked about it and comforted and a different solution could have been reached in order to make sure you live your childhood protected from all this.

Having one child that is a lot to manage does not mean you can now ignore all your other children and leave them to be hurt consistently because 'you cannot be bothered to pay attention to all of your kids' Also it sounds like instead of handling the child that was causing violence, they were escalating the situation and making it worse for you. Leaving one child to lash out at another is unacceptable, and it is both neglect and abuse. Protection from abuse is a part of what your parents are responsible for, and they failed you. And I can see you care so much for their good image, you're protecting them even as you're trying to talk about how they left you to fend for yourself in a world where you were harmed. Imagine if they felt that kind of compassion for you, and ran to protect you whenever you were alone with someone who was hurting you. You're showing more care for them in here, than they did for you in your childhood.

This had to be really hard for you to read, and I'm sorry for being so blunt. I'm not trying to tell you how you should see them, I'm just angry that you were put thru so much, and it didn't have to be like that. You know your situation better than I do, and if I'm completely wrong about everything, that's completely possible and you do not have to accept my opinion, your own is more important. I hope you're never left to fend for yourself in a world where others are likely to hurt you, that's not okay for a child to go thru, and it's painful and traumatic to an adult as well.

[bi-functional]

Bottom right sequence reads “and when I move out—,” —> “yes. I’m sorry. I l-… love you too. Thank you.”

Now with more art !

So all this reincarnation talk for @tswwwit ‘s masterpiece has me throwing My little familiar au idea in the rings but its no where near as sweet or interesting as @kitty-serenade ‘s but if you like angst, hear me out!

Imagine a Dipper reborn with The Mark and what are his parents supposed to do? They love him sooo much they can’t possibly let him enter the Real World and be taken away by some Vile Demon!

So… they just keep him inside. They shelter him. They manipulate him and put him down all to keep him cooped up and ‘Safe’.

They care about his well being enough but… well who wouldn’t want to be known as the parents who Won against Bill Cipher? Like imagine the worst rich people ever who can’t Possibly be abusive of neglectful cause they give their baby anything he wants! They’re such good parents! Bill won’t stand a chance!

Dipper’s so broken down and rubbed raw by the constant emotional abuse that he has No concept of what living a life for himself might look like. In his eyes, he’s been trapped living the life he’s expected to lead to make his parents happy but ultimately, apparently, he’s also promised to a demon a few years down the line.

Like think of the possibilities here. Dipper who doesn’t have any Real knowledge about what Bill is and why he’s coming, he only has the info his parents have given him about how Bill will control him and take him away to do his bidding and possibly even Torture him!

Think about a Dipper who’s so dissociated and detached from his life as he realizes that he’s simply not meant to live a life for himself and that’s something he’s Never going to get.

Then you throw in Bill, who’s going to show up and rescue his sapling from this fucked up weird emotional monstrosity of a place that just Reeks of despair only to find? Unlike all the other pinetree’s he’s come for these past centuries this one… is… compliant? And imagine Bill, being reminded of a Dipper just as unresponsive and depressed from the very first time they met only now he has No Idea what has caused such a huge break in character.

No matter how much pushing and prodding Bill gives, Dipper just doesn’t budge, waiting for the inevitable. And Bill is such a narcissist that he doesn’t realize that his speech pattern Also affects Dipper’s reactions. ‘Hey Sapling, I wanna explore the woods let’s go.’ ‘Pinetree I’m tellin’ ya, it’s not worth it let’s not even bother.’ He’s doing and suggesting things he knows Dipper would like and help cheer him up but… unwittingly taking any choice or input from Dipper away. Think of it as a learned don’t speak unless spoken to kinda trauma. Bill’s not doing anything wrong! He’s just… not getting any results.

It would be such a fun concept to play with in a really heartbreaking way. Imagine a Bill who’s finally relinquished his hate for the word love, who might on occasions let it slip just for a shock factor, uk for funsies, only to come across a Dipper who recoils at the very thought because he’s simply never seen it, and thinks something like that doesn’t get to people like him.

Imagine Bill, suave and rich with the universe at his fingertips offering Dipper love and glory and curiosity, only to find out that Dipper’s family had also showered him in ‘love’ and ‘riches’.

Like… imagine thinking Bill would just say well fuck it I guess I’ll wait for the memories to kick in and then live out the rest of this lifetime when it comes, cause he wouldn’t. Imagine a Bill so frustrated and angry tearing apart his realm for /anything/ that might give him a real direction to step forward cause all the usual things he has at his disposal aren’t gonna cut it this time.

Bill who begrudgingly starts asking the questions. Real Genuine Questions that usually tumble from his saplings mouth that he can give witty clapbacks to serve as banter. Dipper being the one to give the sarcastic and clipped remarks cause he’s so guarded against this unknown even though… maybe things aren’t that bad. He starts to unwind ever so slowly as Bill learns how to properly interact with him in a way that’s beneficial to both of them.

Just… Bill coming across a Dipper that’s been through the ringer in way’s Bill never anticipated. Even if he’s found Dipper alone or at wits end, he’s always had a fire and determination. He’s always had his spirit in tact. Bill being angry and upset about the reincarnation deal for the first time /ever/ cause he hates seeing that people hurt the one thing he loves in the entire multiverse and unraveled Dipper like a cheap sweater. Like the emotions and story you could weave for this that’s fundamentally about Love and Learning and never hesitating to do whatever’s possible to make things Work.

Like grgrgrg just a Bill who’s being faced with a Dipper who’s been abused but not in any way Bill’s encountered. Dipper who’s suffered abuse of the MIND. Which is Bill’s entire domain! The one thing in the universe that’s his fundamentally! And he has absolutely no power here. Bill who wants to reach in and fix and help for the First Time and struggling not only with his inability to do anything, but with the urge to help and fix in the first place. Bill who has to take care of Dipper the Human way and just grits through it cause dammit it’s worth it. Just man come on.

[littlesniggy]

DILF

Well....this seems to be innocent enough and if you have a problem with forced prost******** just don't read past the long long line of dots towards the end...it gets rather dark from then on :)

Warnings: 18+, ns.fw, dub.con, older man x younger woman

Pairing: Yakuza! Sakazuki x female reader

Word count: 2.5k

The first time you went to visit your friend’s house you were simply overwhelmed by the sheer luxury that had met you. Maybe you could’ve guessed by the fact that the entire property was surrounded by a huge wall, with an electric gate being the only way to access it (at least to your knowledge). The house was in a traditional Japanese style with a lot of wood, sliding doors and whatnot. And, of course, there had to be a koi pond and a small bridge leading over it. Your jaw had almost hit the floor. 

Your friend looked at you almost apologetically when she saw your shocked expression, mumbling something about her father working in real estate. Unbeknownst to you he was actually the head of one of the biggest yakuza groups in Japan. You only found this irrelevant fact out two years later. 

However, you have only met her father a couple of times but that alone was enough to scare you to death. His whole aura was practically screaming danger and the way he glared at you didn’t do anything to make you feel at ease. As far as you could tell he didn’t want you here. Though he never voiced anything like that (in front of you). 

It all started in your second year of high school.

It was a particularly hot summer evening and the cicadas were drowning out every noise coming from behind the big wall surrounding the property. You and your friend were sitting on the roof of the building, something her father always told her not to do but for some reason he never actually did anything about it. 

You two were watching the fireworks from afar, admiring the different colors and motives, gasping and oooh-ing and aaah-ing here and there and generally having a great time. The breeze playing with your hair from time to time felt refreshing to the otherwise humid air that surrounded you two and your clothes were sticking to your back, leaving darker spots on the fabric from the sweat.

While your friend was mesmerized by a set of golden fireworks exploding in short frequencies, your eyes caught a glimpse of something you had never dared to look at directly.

You didn’t know that her father was actually home for once so seeing him standing on the patio surprised you a little. You felt your heart start to beat in your chest a little faster than usual and your palms felt sweaty all of a sudden. You couldn’t help but be drawn to the sight of his bare upper body presenting itself to you.

You could see him from the side but this alone made your core start to ache for something you’ve never felt before. His arms and as far as you could see his chest and back were all covered in traditional tattoos, forming what might be the most perfect piece of art you’ve ever seen in your life. 

You swallowed hard when he slowly turned around to go back inside, revealing a muscular chest and abs you thought only movie stars had. You almost  fell off the roof trying to take another look at the dangerous man and were caught by your friend who looked at you funny for almost falling off. 

Since then, you simply couldn’t get rid of the images ghosting through your mind, your fantasy trying to push you further and further to imagine more and more things about him. Once, he walked by you while you were at your friend’s house and you were able to breathe in the cologne he was wearing. This memory was also added to your fantasies, along with his deep voice scolding his daughter for neglecting her studies. 

Late at night, when you parents were already asleep, you would slowly let your hand travel down your body, your eyes closed as you imagined it being his hands. You imagined how his strong and big hands grabbed you hard, his massive body hovering above you while his hips thrusted against you relentlessly. 

.

.

.

By the time you and your friend graduated high school you had fucked yourself on your fingers and various toys to the thought him making you cum over and over again. It was almost embarrassing if it wasn’t for your deep desire to be with him. 

Never once had you caught his attention other than being the annoying friend that was constantly over at his house and it made you feel frustrated.  

.

.

.

He wasn’t stupid. The first time he caught you staring at him, trying to be sneaky he could tell you were interested in him. Some might think it’s charming to be admired by some teenager but he didn’t. To him you were nothing more than some stupid brat that kept his daughter from studying. Once he even saw you snooping around and if he didn’t notice you staring at one of the family pictures of him, his daughter and his deceased wife he might’ve thought you were a spy or something like that.

But by the way you bit your lip while one finger absentmindedly traced his face on the picture changed his mind. You were no spy. You were simply a child having too much free time and too much fantasy. Plus, he wouldn’t waste any money to find out more about you. 

However, a lot of things changed when you had your 18th birthday and his daughter begged him to let her throw you a party here. Sakazuki was a strict man who never tolerated anyone talking back but he couldn’t deny his little girl when she looked at him with those big puppy eyes she got from her mother (plus she had a pretty good argument that it would be safer here than to celebrate anywhere else). 

He wasn’t there when everyone arrived, not being too fond of all the people in his house. He had some of his men watch the party and stand guard but other than that he left her and her friends alone. 

Once he got back, the party was still going. He didn’t like that his daughter was drinking alcohol but he also knew that she would do it either way so better here than anywhere else. He let his eyes wander over the drunk party guests before he planned to go to his office to finish some last work when someone bumped into him. 

He looked down and saw you, giggling like a little girl, a feint red on your cheeks as you slurred and apology. He huffed annoyed and wanted to walk past you but the alcohol in your body made you brave (or stupid). 

“Thank you for lettin’ me have my party here.” You said, looking up at him, vision blurry and unfocused. Again, the yakuza huffed and tried to shove you to the side but you wouldn’t let him. Annoyed, he grabbed you more harshly, his patience running thin as he tried to hold your hands in his while they were eager to touch you.

“Don’t touch me.” He barked, ready to slap you. God, how much he wished you were one of his subordinated. He could simply have you cut off one of your fingers or maybe kill you immediately. But civilians, especially young women, were off limits in this case. 

You were startled by his barked order and stood there for a moment like a deer in headlight. And as if something had clicked in your head that made you sober instantly, you stumbled away from him, fear written all over your face. 

It wouldn’t be the last time he would see you that night; when everyone had already left, your friend invited you to stay the night so you didn’t have to go home all by yourself or call a taxi, you couldn’t sleep and were instead standing on the patio where Sakazuki had once stood with his bare chest and muscular arms. 

Your arms were resting on the railing from the patio as you brain slowly sobered up. The air around you had cooled down a little and the cool breeze made the big t-shirt you were wearing flicker. You didn’t bother wearing pants, only your string was desperately trying to cover all the necessary private parts. 

His eyes were glued to your form, the T-shirt, yet big not big enough to cover your ass from his gaze. It must’ve been something primal that started to burn inside him as his eyes slowly moved over every inch of exposed skin, his mind picturing himself grabbing your thigh, lifting your leg up in the air and pushing his dick inside of you as you scream out into the night. How tight you would feel around him, squeezing him while he pounded away. 

The space in his pants became incredibly tight and he clenched his fists to release some tension but it didn’t work. How long has it been? He couldn’t remember. Plenty of opportunities but he was either too busy or said opportunity wanted x amount of money for her serviced. Sure, he could get them for free but why would he fuck someone who fucked others for a living? He had higher standards (not that an 18 year old girl that was his daughters best friend at that was that much better but at least you were no professional). And you would spread your legs willingly if he told you to.

You felt a cold shiver run over your body and you decided it was time to go back inside and finally get some rest. As you turned around you froze in your place as you saw the tall form standing not far from you in the doorframe leading to the inside. Your eyes were wide and grew even wider when realization hit that you weren’t dressed particularly modestly. Your hands grabbed the hem of your shirt and pulled it down embarrassed, your face beet red as you lowered your head shamefully. 

There was silence. A long silence. He didn’t seem to want to speak and you didn’t date to speak nor to move. The only way in was past the older man but you would need to get closer to him in order to actually pass him. 

Sakazuki watched you squirm in your place, your hands trying to cover your lower body parts. By pulling your shirt down you automatically revealed more of your chest and your bare breasts that were not covered by a bra anymore since you took it off before. The yakuza boss took in a deep but silent breath, internally still contemplating what to do even though he had made up his mind 95%.

The other 5% were added when your slowly looked up at him, uncertainty and anxiousness plastered all over your face. 

“Undress.” He heard himself order you. 

Another shiver ran down your spine, this time from anticipation. His harsh eyes watched you intently and you could feel that he expected you to oblige and do as he say. When you still hesitated, he crossed his arms in front of his big chest, a frown forming on his face. Your body convulsed at the sight for a moment before a burning desire exploded inside of you. 

Your hands now firmly grabbed the hem of your shirt and slowly started to pull it over your head and off before you shakily let it drop to the floor. Only in your string you stood in front of this much more mature man as his eyes hungrily roamed over your almost completely naked body. 

Your skin was tingling and your nipples were hard from arousal, your string beginning to get wetter and wetter the longer he stared at you. 

And then he started to move. One step at a time and with all the time in the world he came closer, uncrossing his arms on his way before he stopped in front of you, your breasts almost touching his body. 

“If you believe this will be anything more but a quick fuck you are mistaken.” He said, voice rumbling in his chest. You bit your lip and nod, the close proximity almost too much for you. Sakazuki growled and grabbed your chin with his hand harshly, forcing you to look up at him. “When I talk to you I expect an answer. Understood?” he hissed, his grip felt like it was trying to crush your face. 

“Understood, sir!” you press out, your heart was hammering in your chest from fear and excitement. The yakuza boss huffed at your response. His has was still gripping your face but now he was moving your head from side to side, examining your neck first with his eyes and then with his free hand. 

His palms were calloused (probably from working out a lot) but it left a nice sensation on your skin. In other circumstances you might’ve felt like some farm animal being inspected but right now you felt nothing but being desired by this man. 

Sakazuki’s let his finger trail down your collar bone to your breast, felt it in his hand for a moment before he squeezed tightly, forcing a gasp out of your mouth. Another huff from his side, this time amused. 

Your eyes were glued to his face as his lips turned upwards ever so slightly, making your heart skip a beat. 

“Get on your knees.”

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

You feel your body rock back and forth violently, forcing you back into reality, far away from this distant memory of the night that had changed everything. 

The man above you grunts like a dying pig, letting you know that he is close. Finally, you think as you let out an obviously fake moan, your nails clawing at his back as his thrusts become more erratic. 

When he’s gone you sit on the windowsill of the small room, a cigarette in between your lips as you look into the sky, wishing you could go back in time to this fatal night and undo everything. 

No matter how good he had made you feel, no matter how much you had craved his body, no matter how much money he had promised – you would rather jump off that patio from his house half naked and climb the stone wall than ever agree to be fucked by him on that same patio. But you can’t go back in time. You can’t get back what he has taken. You can’t get back to the life you used to have. And you can never cleanse off the dirt of all those men he had sold you to like the fucking whore you are. 

[gxldencity]

I GOT to learn more about Dolores!

@allyennah also asked this lmao

Full Name: María Dolores Adelaida Alvaros y Marasigan

Gender and Sexuality: bisexual (cis) woman

Pronouns: she/her

Ethnicity/Species: Half Drow/Half Human

Birthplace and Birthdate: 10th day of Ches 1464 in a small barangay (town) in Cupang, Sina Una :)

Guilty Pleasures: Kids. She would never have them and had nightmares about being a parent but she's fond of them on their own. Like she's so weak to kids. The one time she got utterly mad so far was when Kagha was threatening to imprison and torture a child (like...the eldritch powers truly came out when Dolores was intimidating her to spare the kid)

Phobias: spiders lmao. She would not last a day in her father's homeland in the Underdark. Kar'niss would be an interesting person to meet.

What They Would Be Famous For: She already is (in)famous in the islands of Sina Una for nearly destroying an entire town :).

What They Would Get Arrested For: Murder :) and bc of her pact (which IM still trying to figure out the full conditions) she has been almost arrested in every town she's been in but thanks to the "kind" mercy of the eldritch creature she has a situationship with, she almost always gets away.

OC You Ship Them With: None tbh :) she truly zoomed in at the one person who has been appreciative of her efforts this entire time and has planned out their life together lmao.

OC Most Likely To Murder Them:

Also none. If anything Dolores would probably adopt them.

Favorite Movie/Book Genre:

Comedic plays I'd say. Anything to make her laughs.

but okay okay assuming this in the modern day and they share the same media as we do, she'll be a Romance novel and movie lover! She's a perpetually tired eldest daughter. She'll love the escapism and unabashed joy of a good Romance novel. The Brown sisters trilogy by Talia Hibbert would be her favourite.

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche:

Same idea as the last question...assuming this is in the modern day and we share the same kind of media as they do then she generally won't be a fan of doorstopper books and incomprehensible movies. She can appreciate the artistry of them but that's it lol.

Talents and/or Powers:

Aside from the powers given to her by her patron, Dolores is good at weaving and has knitted shawls and scarves for the camp. (Withers is fond of the hat she made him)

She's also highly organized and good at most housework thanks to her parentification :)). Not that she likes doing them. She still hasn't cooked for the camp because she finds no joy in cooking.

Why Someone Might Love Them:

Dolores is fiercely loyal and wears her heart around her sleeve. She has a lot of love to give. She's also compassionate and a good listener, an open shoulder to cry on.

A lamplight left on in the darkness, leading them home...so to speak :)

Why Someone Might Hate Them:

She can be overbearing, thanks to her wanting to find fulfillment with being needed. It's like something that she clashed with nearly everyone in the party early on bc like...just bc they have problems doesn't mean she has to solve them or god forbid use her illithid powers to read their minds (Gale and Wyll did NOT like that at all). She can be nosy as well and it is something she struggled with Shadowheart at the initially as u know Shadowheart prefers to keep things a secret as part of her calling to Shar.

How They Change:

She learns that it's okay to be selfish from time to time and not to sacrifice herself constantly. She also learns to channel the deep-seated anger she had for her family into something more healing. Like finding peace doesn't necessarily mean forgiving and forgetting the person who has harmed you.

Why You Love Them:

Dolores is like...my answer to most eldest daughter stories I've encountered :)). They almost always are too fluffy and ends with the daughter forgiving and reconciling with her parents after years of neglect and/or abuse. And that is fine I guess but I hate how most of the narrative around eldest daughters is basically that.

Sometimes your parents are abusive and they suck ass. Sometimes siblings also perpetuate the same kind of abuse your parents and living in the same abusive environment does not excuse or forgive their actions. And it's totally okay to have a negative reaction to this, to be utterly pissed off and angry about your situation.

It's fine to be resentful and hate your family. If they didn't want to be hated then they could've spent the entire time you're alive not being...abusive.

And there is absolutely No Need to dress eldest daughter obligations as "a way to show love to the people she cares about." Fuck that lol. Dolores can love and want to care for her family without being forced to give up her freedom to care for her siblings bc her parents suck at being parents.

Without getting too deep into it, Dolores is the most personal OC I've ever made. Moreso than the Ryder twins who were already very personal OCs (but for a different time period in my life and a different set of trauma lmao). There are some parts in her backstory (which I shall eventually post) that are similar to things that happened to me irl. While my family isn't That bad compared to Dolores' own family, a lot of the feelings are still there lol.

[confluence-and-drift]

Ugh, so I've had a rather rough week mental health-wise, especially last night, just today I've spent the evening groggy with occasional bouts of vertigo, weirdly sweaty despite it being 17°C in the room and trouble stringing two thoughts together (a few minutes ago I forgot Kayoko BA's name, despite how I love Kayoko BA)...and that was what made me think "Hey wait, this isn't normal, wtf is wrong with me".

I better not be coming down with a fever.. I realise it's about 10ish so I should take my meds and....I hadn't taken yesterday's....O.O

Fuck. THAT is why I'm like this.

I've taken them now but I'm glad I'm not coming down with an illness. My immune system is kind of shit so it wasn't impossible, but a major symptom of me not taking my meds is "confusion", "sweating" and "vertigo". Yeah. Of course, I didn't realise due to that first one, but damn. Just waiting for it to kick in and my head to clear.

*sigh*, so why was I so out of it that I forgot to take my meds? Well, you see, today is Eid, and I'm meant to be around at my parents' as the brother I don't get along with wasn't there and they invited me. Just yesterday I had an argument with not just my Dad, which isn't too uncommon as he thinks being passive aggressive is a method of conflict avoidance and I think being passive aggressive is conflict escalation (maybe it's just the autism, but to me, not only am I being insulted to my face, but they're not even respecting me enough, nor being honourable (for lack of a better word) enough to say it to my face outright) and that often leads to conflict since my father can be exceptionally petty sometimes and has been raised in a culture where getting to his age automatically entitles you to unconditional respect whilst he's got to deal with a son who expresses respect only where it's due, though despite what he might think, I do respect him. I just also think he's a petty fool sometimes. If that sounds harsh, trust me, he thinks worse about me. To start with, he doesn't think mental illness or autism are real, and that I'm just conning the government into giving me money when I should be toiling all day whilst neglecting a family I have out of duty and expectation, like him at my age. On top of that, he thinks he's being a saint for talking civilly to me as he does, despite the occasional passive aggressive jibe, and doesn't appreciate it when I'm not full of gratitude for this.

But yeah...I doubt me not being there is too much of an issue, it's not like I would even have been invited if the More Respectable In Their Eyes child was going to show up (you know, the one that's an ableist social darwinist cunt that I don't get along with). Despite that, I do feel guilty that I've ruined a holiday that, whilst it doesn't really mean much to me, I mostly ignore it every year, I guess by nature I'm not someone who enjoys making other people upset. *sigh*

Ah well. Tomorrow I'm heading into Glasgow to meet up with a good friend of mine who's rarely in this part of the country, which was the main reason why I really really didn't want to be coming down with a fever. That at least gives me something to be looking forward to. For now I guess, going to check out today's anime and see if there's any new ones from this season that look good. New konosuba, for the lowbrow humour, new Date a Live, which is a series I first started watching after a massively tumultous period of my life so it's got a place in my heart , and I dunno, maybe one of the new ones will be good.

Anyways, if you're reading this, I hope you're doing well.

[litchihikxriclub]

ooh i've never heard of LHC before but it looks cool, i might be getting into a new fandom bc of your writing (again haha). anyway, i've got a meta/analysis question....how would you rank the kids in terms of who has the best/worst relationships with their family?

Yayyyy, another person joining us in the LHC pit! :D

No one here has had a very good childhood. Keikou is a disaster of rampant poverty, unsafe conditions, and parents who no doubt have to spend every waking moment working just to keep their kids fed and clothed. Even the most well-intentioned families on the list would end up at least a little neglectful just because they don't have the time or means to properly care for their children.

Also, disclaimer that a lot of them don't have explicitly mentioned family situations, so a good chunk of this is reading into their behavior/lifestyle for implications of how their home life might be.

. . .

"Best" Relationship

Tamiya — All around, Tamiya has by far the best relationship with his family of all of them. He has two parents who have his best interests in mind, a younger sister who he's close to, and a relatively stable situation overall. The inherent sacrifices and problems of their environment are still present, but at least his family is trying.

Kaneda — He mentions having an older mother who he "loves down to her wrinkly little fingers". My guess is that she's his only parent, and has both given her best effort to raise him and had to work herself half to death to do it. He also has an overall good relationship, but it's nowhere near as stable as Tamiya's family situation.

Dafu — In the same chapter of Bokura, he expresses fondness for his family as well. The lack of specific mentions (and his general loneliness levels) leads me to think that his home life is somewhat neglectful, but likely not on purpose. He probably has a "normal" household that doesn't have the time to pay much attention to him.

Kanon — We know next to nothing about her backstory. I get the feeling that she's better off than the boys, but how off her behavior is seems to hint at a highly sheltered childhood. I think her relationship with her family is overall decent, but her parents are the type of paranoid that means they've isolated her more than is healthy.

Yakobu — He also gives me "childhood neglect" vibes. My headcanon is that he's from a large family that's struggling to get by, and the sheer amount of kids to manage means that Yakobu had to stand out to get any attention. His relationship with his family isn't bad, exactly, but he definitely doesn't have a stable or reassuring home life.

Dentaku — Considering his single-minded focus on mathematics and his apparent lack of social skills or ability to form emotional connections, I see yet another neglect case here. It's likely that he's been encouraged to stick to only his academic skills (at the cost of a normal childhood) as that gives him some chance of a better future.

Raizou — All we see of his family is his dad, who's... well-intentioned, probably, but far from supportive or kind. I think he's a single father who's trying his best, but is also strict, harsh, and has very firm ideas of how his son is supposed to behave. He's also clearly one for physical discipline, which means Raizou is at least used to being hit.

Zera — And here, things take a massive turn for the worse! Zera absolutely despises his family, and the level of emotional neglect and abuse he's experienced is a lot of why he's Like That. He has divorced parents, abandonment issues from his father, and routine mistreatment from his mother. Zera knows he's not wanted.

Nico — We know he has the worst financial state of the kids, and his mother literally says "giving birth to you was the biggest mistake of my life" when he was in the hospital post-eye incident. And judging from his utter lack of self-esteem, it's not hard to guess he's grown up in an environment where his existence was treated like a burden.

Jaibo — Uhhhh... yeah. We know his dad is a doctor (and that Jaibo steals drugs and money from him), and Jaibo's everything hints at extreme sexual abuse. I don't think it's a stretch to assume he's had the most horrific childhood of the kids, and I can't imagine he has anything resembling a positive relationship with his father.

"Worst" Relationship

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello, thank you so much for your blog. You're the only source i trust when it comes to mbti. I don't know my type. I know I'm Fi-Te but not sure if I'm ESFP or ENFP.

I'm very imaginative but i guess is because of wanting life to be more interesting and at the moment I can't be very present oriented because i want my present to change and i can't right now (because of lack of financial independence - I know i need a job a job, I'm searching), so i just make up fake scenarios inside my head usually accompanied with great music.

Also I've realized that getting outside of my head is good for my mental health even if it's just going to the grocery store or watching netflix (I tend to stay at home, i still live with my parents and I don't want to go out alone without friends and my friends are usually unavailable).

So, can ESFPs have their head in the clouds and be imaginative just because they like it? I want to create stories (but writing is always boring so I don't do it) and i love learning history, psychology, philosophy and I like to learn about society but then we have to ask why do i do this things, like you said, and i think the answer is "because i like it and it's fun", so it is that Se-Ni? I don't want to stay in my head forever because I've done it many years already and I had enough, I want to live my life and to explore my freedom but ENFPs also want that so I'm confused.

Also it's strange to think I'm Si inf since it's a function you'll only use well way later in life (I'm 26) and I like to be careful sometimes and I have a lot of life-learned lessons and I would hate to make the same mistakes again because it would lead to more sadness and i had enough of it (i had severe depression for years at the past + self-loathing issues because of bullying at school and emotional neglected parents). I also like some past techniques because they work, if they don't then that's when we should think of something new.

So I might be ESFP even though not a stereotypical one because of childhood and environmental factors.

I tend to do what I like without thinking if it's a good decision of not because I just wanna do it, which includes A LOT of imagination but I'm getting tired of it because I want to go to new places and what's better than creating a great story is living one.

I can live outside of my head when my reality is one that I like but I'm using imagination as long as I can remember since I'm a little kid. I like to talk to people about ideas but I've changed a lot because i grew up and I've realized that not everything in life needs to be changed, you can just appreciate the great things you have now like music, photography, love, friendship, food and i want to do all the things i haven't done yet, like dating, going out at night, sleepovers, etc).

When on grip I tend to think about the stuff that hurted me or get paranoid about people hurting me, i guess my biggest grip episode was me on depression, because who wouldn't suffer in their own misery when everyone around me was horrible to me? I had therapy and i still do and it saved my life.

So what do you think? Am I ENFP or ESFP? I've read a lot of your Theory Guide but the only thing that helper my more was the Function Dynamics part because the Se-Ne and inf Si-Ni is confusing to me because for me it feels like I can be both types and i know there's only one. Ne dom makes a lot of sense but Si inf just doesn't.

I do take objects as how they are but I also like to use it to improve life (eg books are made of paper but books help with making new ideas written on paper which helps people improve their lives/all actions need words and ideas first). However I don't want to just to think in a better future without living in my present because it just seems like I'm running forever to catch a train I never can catch and I don't want to live my whole life wanting to search for something without filling fulfilled and satisfied. I do love physical sensations like food.

I'm also very spiritual, I like the idea I'm guided and loved by an superior source because I didn't have that growing up that much, my parents have a different love language than me but now that I'm older i tend to become more strategic and cold (Te tert kicking in). I forgive them, but i just wanted to tell you this for the reason of loving God and my spiritual journey.

Function stacks:

Ne: loves brainstorming, generate ideas, likes and needs new experiences for mental health/ Fi: learning to cope and deal with my intense feelings, prioritizing my desires, / Te: likes to resolve problems with tasks and values efficiency, knows to make sacrifices for a greater cause / Si: gets bored by mundane tasks or same-old things.

OR

Se: my main priority in life is happiness, pleasure and fun, i like to get the desire/thing now if i don't i get angry (eg finding stuff in my never ending bag) / Fi: learning to cope and deal with my intense feelings, prioritizing my desires, / Te: likes to resolve problems with tasks and values efficiency, knows to make sacrifices for a greater cause / Ni: I do want to have a meaningful life and want to be remembered, I also tend to have intuition moments (eg don't put detergent on same grocery bag as food cuz is dangerous).

Sorry about the silly examples but that's what I got. I hope this is not confusing.

Thank for your time! Happy holidays.

----------------------

First, your understanding of Se isn't very good or deep, which is why you're getting confused. This fact by itself is usually enough to indicate it isn't the dominant function, since people should naturally have a good and deep understanding of the dominant function, especially once they learn about it through function theory. Second, a lot if not all of the major struggles you experience are typical manifestations of N-S imbalance (not S-N imbalance). Therefore, I'd have to conclude that ENFP is by far the much better fit.

[canichangemyblogname]

Syril Karn is never going to realize he is expendable to the fascist power structure. He is never going to realize that he is replaceable and that he didn't matter. He desperately wants to be important. He desperately wants so bad to *seem* like he matters. That's why he tailored his suit. That's why he took on the case that- quite literally- blew up in his face.

And someone might argue, "He cannot see the galaxy beyond how he is impacted, right? But, look at Arvel Skeen or Lieutenant Gorn. Once someone they loved or they personally were affected by regressive or oppressive imperial policies, their love for the Empire dried up. What's to say Syril won't follow that same path? The theme of the episode was that everyone has their reasons for fighting, no matter how big or how small."

And, sure... I guess. Yes, Syril cannot see the galaxy beyond how he is impacted. Yes, the episode was about how everyone has their reasons for fighting. But, the episodes have been split between 3 story-lines. Cassian. Luthen & Mon Mothma (the "Coruscant" Story Line). Syril Karn. In the different story lines, we see different reasons for agitating for the end of the Empire, for being a moderate who operates within the system rather than working to dismantle it, and for fighting on behalf of the Empire.

Skeen started out never having any love for the Empire and Lieutenant Gorn had a love or community outside the Empire to fill that human need for a sense of significance or community. When both of them lost that love and acceptance-- seen in Skeen's brother and Gorn's significant other-- that love they had for these individuals turned against the empire. All those Rebels are motivated by love in their fight and we're slowly learning about the love that pushed them to take up arms against an entity that is cold and cruel; that destroys love and community.

But the only "acceptance" and "approval" Karn has ever received is from people who toe the ideological line; is from his "brothers" on the "front lines." Syril clearly comes from a household where he is very used to being torn down. Parental and communal approval and acceptance are very necessary for a child's development. But he grew up constantly fearing that his actions would deter parental love and approval. Children chisel and shape their personality and choices according to what they believe will result in approval and thus love and care from their parents.

There is literally nothing-- not even working for the Empire-- that will gain his mother's (her name is Eddy?) approval, as evidenced by her telling him that police work never suited him and the fact she never visited him (he had a guest room, so he was both waiting for her and doing well for himself). Syril never learned self-identity. He never learned "Who am I apart from an authority figure?" He never learned that his decisions are his own, only that they are made to gain the approval and favor of an authority figure. That first authority figure was his mother-- who no doubt used physical means to reinforce this hierarchy-- and the final authority figure is the Empire.

(Insert some commentary here about how parenting which is strict and stern and characterized by high demands and low responsiveness affects a child's willingness to acquiesce to dictatorial systems given it creates children who are socially inept, dependent, and unable to think on their own or think critically. They often have poor self-esteem and are poor judges of character.)

Do not mistake this as me saying that you should feel sorry for Syril or start treating him as some sympathetic and pathetic little meow-meow just because he grew up in a household were his parent's love was conditional. Being raised by emotionally immature or neglectful parents; even narcissistic parents, does not make kids fascists. His decisions are still his own. While his emotionally neglectful and overbearing and overly critical mother has lead him to seek approval elsewhere-- specifically in police work-- his decisions are still his own.

When he loses "everything" and has to return to an emotionally toxic environment and then day-in-and-day-out listen to his mother tear him down and disparage his choices and ridicule his "misfortune," he looks for an scapegoat for his anger; someone beside himself to blame his position on. It hurts to admit you were wrong and you failed, even though his internal monologue is probably something to the likes of: "useless, failure, pathetic, disappointment," on repeat. He's only ever been a disappointment and a failure to his mother, and now he's also one in the eyes of the Empire. So what is he going to try and do? Strive harder for their approval.

This is going to make him more dangerous. He is going to double down on his misguided sense of right and wrong. He is going to dig his heels in. This is going to solidify his ideology and his commitment to establishing order. His “misfortunes” are going to convince him of the absolute righteousness of his crusade. His ambition, dedication, and commitment to order and rules as well as a strict sense of right and wrong have thus far played an important part in him upholding an authoritarian regime. But now you can add a feeling of personally being slighted to the list. And he is going to continue to blame his “misfortune” on people who are less politically advantaged.

Who is he going to scapegoat? Cassian. The people of Ferrix. Anyone but himself and the system. He isn't going to blame the Empire for him being cast aside (by the Empire). He isn't going to blame himself for his own incompetence and lack of foresight or consideration for literally anyone else in the galaxy. Syril isn't going to blame his former employer or his men. He is going to primarily blame Cassian.

Cassian is Syril’s version of Skeen’s brother or Gorn’s lover.

He is never going to see himself as expendable to the authoritarian power structure because he *can't* be in his mind. He desperately needs to matter to someone because he has never mattered to anyone, and maybe, he thinks, maybe he can matter to "history," maybe he can matter to others by upholding the "rule of law" and "order in the galaxy."

The lighting in these scenes perfectly highlights this, too. It highlights his feelings of stagnation and dejection. And then note his action figurines in the background of that final shot of him. He was raised surrounded by "subtle" military and nationalistic messaging. Those were the "heroes" he grew up on.

In real life when you talk to anyone who joined the military or a police force, and even a "militia" (a right-wing terrorist group), you'll hear the men- often cis and straight and white- cite brotherhood, community, and a sense of feeling like they matter and have influence (power) as their reasons for joining. They believed they could "matter" to others by throwing their weight behind "law and order." They believed they could (and should) take society’s “fate” into their own hands. When these men get out of those militias, specifically, and start cult deconstruction (yes, they have cult mentalities), one of the predictors of relapse is feelings of isolation and loneliness. They need a feeling of community and acceptance to be secure enough to walk away and keep away. Syril does not and will never have that.

(DO NOT take this to mean that these people deserve some poor meow-meow sympathy or something. Please! They did objective harm to other people and should be held accountable for that and should answer for that. Their decisions are still their own. There is a difference between hate and oppression apology and understanding the psychology of the people who join and support these groups.)

###

I have never seen such an accurate portrayal of a working white family. Syril's relationship with his mother reminded me of my relationship with my mother. Down to the way they spoke to each other-- from her passive-aggressive insults to Syril's seemingly self-aware sarcastic jabs. During the pandemic, I was let go from my job and lost my housing, forcing me to move back in with my mother. Unlike Syril, I didn't scapegoat an immigrant for my troubles (again, having emotionally immature parents does not a fascist or bigot make). Nothing taught me that I was expendable to the capitalist class more than being literally discarded. Unlike Syril, I was a low wage worker who was working one of the only available jobs following graduating. Not a day went by where my mother didn't make passive-aggressive jabs about my lack of ambition or lack of prospects or disappointment, both while I was employed as a fast food worker and after I was laid off. ("You have no prospects." "I'll figure something out!" "I'll call your cousin. She got a job at that call center. Or maybe that family friend. See if she has any opening." <That was a daily conversation. And then once I secured myself a job, it was: "I got you this job. You're successful because of me.")

Also, contrast Syril's dynamic with his mother with Mon Mothma's dynamic with her child. In the wealthy white household, children are more props than anything. The parents are quite uninvolved and the children are often raised instead by a team of staff. In working white households, the children are seen as an extension of the parent. The parents are often more involved at least in terms of their children's activities and decisions (like what sports, what instruments, everything the child does is dictated by the parent). But in both families, it is all about outward appearance (See: Eddy's comments about Syril slouching and Leida's comment that Mon Mothma just wants to appear involved).

[hansonkim]

𝐖𝐄𝐋𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐀𝐏𝐓 #𝟏𝟏𝟎𝟓  .  .  .  𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝐊𝐈𝐌  🔑 📂

.  .  .  shot straight off the edge / guess the world’s flat after all

STATS  .  .  .  MUSINGS  .  .  .  VISAGE  .  .  .  HEADCANONS  .  .  .  SELF-PARAS  .  .  .  extended map.

🌦  «  teo yoo.  cis man.  he/him.  forty-two.  »  was  that  HANSON KIM  walking  through  the  doors  of  amorelux  ?  i  heard  they  just  moved  in  to  apartment  1105  from  COPENHAGEN  and  work  as  a/an  freelance cfo.  they  seem  meticulous  &  dutiful  but  don’t  get  on  their  bad  side  !  they  can  be  unmoving  &  critical  which  makes  sense  since  they’re  a  VIRGO.  you  know  they’re  home  when  you  see  a  flash  of  a fake birth certificate, a shelf dedicated to his pta awards, & a biometrically locked gun safe. — @amoreluxintro

+ meticulous, dutiful, persevering, hardworking, practical. - unmoving, critical, relentless, obstinate, bookbound.

— ↷  morgan.  23.  pst.  she/her .  .  .  cis bi korean woman.

trigger warnings: bullying, child abuse & neglect (implied), death, forced cultural assimilation, murder, pregnancy, violence, weapons (guns), xenophobia & racism (implied)

TLDR; hanson never knew his birth parents. instead, he grew up to be groomed as a killer. now, he’s a sleeper agent co-parenting with another agent he’s sharing a marriage certificate with, presenting a picture-perfect life without making current use of his espionage skillset.

CHAPTER I  .  .  .

as an infant, kim il-cheong was left on a doorstep underneath the metal awning looming over the entrance of a catholic orphanage in copenhagen, denmark. all that was left with him was a small, plush elephant and a piece of paper with his name written on it.

il-cheong was defined as an isolato early on, not finding much amusement in the other children’s cruel version of play. especially since he was an easy, foreign target. instead, he worked hard at his lessons, keeping his mind and hands busy with his lessons and frequent tree-climbing.

CHAPTER II  .  .  .

at seven years old, he was plucked out of the establishment by a rough, ragtag militia entity who wanted a malleable foot soldier.

after doing so, they imposed a new name on him — hanson gundersen. he never forgot his korean name. but he never said it again either, especially since his caregivers forbade it, wanting him to culturally assimilate as much as possible.

to further insulate his understanding of the world, they also lived on the mountainside and didn’t allow him to venture into the more urbanized parts of town.

under their tutelage, he was never instructed to kill. but he learned to dissemble and assemble weaponry, learned their parts and functions, and naturally absorbed the tricks of their trade through the books on their shelves and the power of his own observation.

he also often sat in vehicles as they performed night hits and raids when someone couldn’t be home to watch him. sometimes, he would be instructed to help clean up.

CHAPTER III  .  .  .

a german mercenary network was paid to retaliate for one of the militia’s attacks, leading to hanson’s third home in shambles and his first and final usage of the abode’s designated panic room. he also killed in self-defense, somehow shooting an intruder straight in the chin despite his shaky hands.

the assailants considered eliminating him, but his aim was clearly intentional, he was obviously malnourished, and he didn’t seem straightforwardly aggrieved.

they decided training him was a smarter alternative. after all, he clearly grew up only knowing duty — might as well channel that tendency while making him feel lucky to get three full-sized meals a day.

he was home-schooled at the director’s home, continuing his longstanding pattern of asociality. but at least he had a formal education. occasionally, they’d also instruct him to wander into town on his own. sometimes to perform errands, but mostly to learn how to perform a social persona. though he did have some friendly acquaintances and even friends within the network, his interactions with the outside world nearly always had utilitarian pretext.

CHAPTER IV  .  .  .

he was put out into the field as early as age 15, when he’d often be sent on overseas missions mostly set in the states. as a talented kid, hanson was inconspicuous but deadly, papers forged to put him in close proximity to high-ranking targets.

the most non-network based stability he obtained was his attendance at uc berkeley for another one of his long missions. there, he officially received a degree in accounting and statistics.

his dedication was instrumental to the growth of the network, especially since it was still quite small when he was first recruited.

CHAPTER V  .  .  .

after graduation, he was told to utilize and continue his trajectory as hanson kim.

specifically, he would have to embark on his most dedicated mission ever — marriage. with this endeavor, he’d be a sleeper agent donning on an impeccable white picket persona, hiding in plain sight until activated as an agent.

the network tasked him with finding someone to faux-date and eventually marry, handing him hundreds of files of women that other mercenary networks, including governmental organizations such as the cia, have been monitoring for recruitment.

decisive as ever, he definitively chose lyra lau, a first-year law student with high test scores, incredible aptitude, and a penchant for relentlessness. after befriending one of her friends and worming his way into a blind date, he offers her a job at dinner.

CHAPTER VI  .  .  .

surprisingly, it doesn’t take long for her to warm up to the prospect of marriage. perhaps it’s due to her intensely ambitious nature or a previous string of bad partners. or both.

he doesn’t question it. instead, they play their parts, performing their honeymoon phase as two lovebirds and even staging a big relationship crucible involving their concurrent post-grad educational tracks — her with law school, him with his accounting master’s program. they meet each other’s in-laws (phony ones, in his case) and eventually host a gorgeous yet intimate wedding ceremony.

soon after, lyra was offered a lucrative job in a manhattan-based firm, which functioned as a perfect excuse for a relatively fresh start in a new city.

upon their entrance into the big apple, they were activated for their first mission (at least as a married couple).

CHAPTER VII  .  .  .

a white picket family’s also usually incomplete without a tyke in tow. so after a few years of marriage, hanson and lyra used in vitro fertilization (ivf) to conceive a child. 

their mission was going smoothly for years, with their kid ingrid demonstrating inheritance of her parents’ intellectual prowess and lyra getting close to a senior partner position.

however, due to uncharacteristically bad intel, they were nearly compromised. before the absolute worst could happen, they were extracted from the mission in question. luckily, lyra was poached by a former colleague, who wanted to transfer her talents to a seattle-based firm within this time frame — and with the promise of senior partner.

so, their espionage higher-ups approved their move. mostly for the purpose of hiding, but also to keep an eye on the daughter of a high-ranking out-of-state official.

[fictional-character-whore]

CHAPTER 5

SUMMARY - Lydia Lupis had lived a terrible 14 years of life. She went to a school full of drug dealing thieves and gangs, lived in a shitty neighbourhood, had parents that didn't even give a shit about her to come home and a brother that treated her like absolute trash. The only half decent thing in her life was a stupid camp - Camp Rim of the World. Her brother Conrad gad a job there but instead of actually doing it, he just snogged any girl he could find, leaving Lydia to do his job for him. Lydia was never that much of a social person and usually spent most of her time at the camp either working or in her own cabin reading. Lydia expected these school holidays to be the same as every other, but what she didn't know was that these holidays were going to change her life. Aliens were taking over planet earth and after following three kids into the woods and meeting a strange boy, the fate of the world somehow rest in their hands. With her new found friends will they be able to save the world before humanity becomes extinct and will a curtain strange boy steal Lydia's heart or smash it into a million pieces?

WARNINGS - i wrote this story years ago so i can’t remember exactly what’s in this but let me know if i miss anything! swearing, mentions of abuse, mentions of parental neglect, mild violence and threatenings, use of weapons, blood?, mega freaking cringe read at your own risk lol

"Put down the gun Grizzly Queen and surrender yourself! If you do that, than we might let you live!"

The others held their hands up above their heads in surrender, dropping their helmets to the ground and as they had turned around to see who was behind them. When they realised that is was a military captain that had threatened my life, they stood in complete and utter shock.

"Woah, woah, woah! You can't kill her!" Dariush shouted bewildered.

"Yes we can kid. This young lady here is one of the most wanted gang leaders of LA," The military captain told him.

Shit, I guess the cat's out of the bag now.

The military and the FBI had been looking for me, my gang and my enemy gangs for years. A few years ago before I had even gotten into high school, the FBI had gotten intel from someone that my school was run by gangs and drug dealers and they've been searching for us for years. But they were all pretty trash at their jobs and we were much smarter than them so we managed to stay hidden and they've never found us. Well not until now at least.

They were mainly after the gang leaders but we were all very protective of our leaders. So every time they got a lead on our whereabouts or who our leader was, we made sure that when they came hunting for them, we would make sure that they would never catch them. We gave them false leads, we moved around every few day, never staying at one place for too long, we hid our leaders or chose new temporary ones, we even killed the soldiers and FBI agents if it came down to it even if we didn't want to. But we made sure that our leaders were safe and never in serious danger of our enemies, but right now didn't look too promising.

"That doesn't mean you can kill her!" Gabriel shouted.

"Guys just shut up. You're making it worse," I whispered to them, "let me handle this."

I straightened my posture to look taller and more powerful, "Do you really think that I'm just going to surrender myself to you this easily?!" I shouted to the captain with a smirk.

"I know you will," he stated confidently, "because if you won't, I don't think you want your little gang friends to see a bullet go through their leader's head," he threatened.

"Wait, we're no-" Dariush started but I silenced him, "Just go with it," I whispered to him.

"What makes you think I care about these kids?" I said giving him my full attention, "They aren't a part of my gang, I don't give two shits if they get eaten by aliens or not," I heard the others gasp at my words.

I didn't mean what I said but it was the only way to get them safe, but it hurt to know that the others were looking at me like they were, thinking that I had just betrayed and used them so I could stay alive. But this is how it needed to be if I was going to get us all out of this alive.

"Is that so?" the captain asked me and after a moment of consideration he signalled for the others to come over to their side, "Get over here kids. She's dangerous."

"That's an understatement," I said.

The others all walked over to the military soldiers, giving me sad and betrayed glances as they walked past me, but I just ignored them because if they were soft enough they would forgive me when I explain the situation to them later.

Once the others were put on a bus away from any harm, the real stuff started, "So are we gonna do this the easy way or the hard way?" I asked the military soldiers.

"You will surrender yourself and come with us to be executed," The military captain replied.

I sighed, "Guess it's the hard way."

I pulled the trigger and shot the captain, ducking as the military soldiers started shooting at me. I ran forward and shot two soldiers to my right while grabbing another gun from my arm holster and shooting three on my left. I rolled forward towards a large pile of a broken building that had fallen onto the street and ducked down behind it, I quickly grabbed a grenade from my bag and threw it over at the soldiers, hearing their cries to take cover as it exploded and killed presumably four soldiers. I then stood up and shot another seven soldiers, ran on top of the broken building and jumped off doing a back flip and shooting five soldiers and reloading both my guns before landing back on the ground.

"Come and get me mother fuckers!" I screamed at them and ran down a street to my right, hearing their boots slam on the concrete as they ran and the sound of their guns endlessly shooting at me. I turned down another street to my right and ran into a levelled car park. As I run up levels I occasionally shoot at the soldiers and duck behind cars for cover of speeding bullets. When I reach the third level I leaned over the railing and shot a few soldiers, almost getting shot in the process. I ran up another five levels, sweat ran down my entire body and the pain in my stomach was worsening with every step I took but pure willpower was the only thing keeping myself moving.

When I reached the top level of the car park I heard more explosions, the sound of screeching aliens as they ran around killing soldiers that were shooting desperately to try and save themselves from getting killed. I stopped and frantically looked out over the edge of the building to try and find the others location. When I finally spotted them I saw that they were running out of the bus that had been basically blown up and were frantically running around, trying to get away from the chaos and evil aliens.

"Shit," I swore and turned around when I heard the soldiers boots run up the ramp to my current car park level.

I looked out over the edge again and saw an alien jet flying downwards towards the street below me. It gave me an idea.

I quickly ran to the other side of the car park level and sprinted back to the edge, the soldiers shooting at me while doing so as they emerged from the level below. I got to the edge and jumped as far as I could screaming, "Holy Fuck!"

The alien jet was inches from me and as I fell my feet landed on the jet's wing and I quickly sprinted the rest of the length to the other wing as fast as I could, hoping that I didn't get myself killed. When I reached the end of the jet's wing I jumped crashing into a glass window of another building. I landed and did a commando roll onto the floor before getting to my feet and running back to the window looking at the soldiers that were standing at the edge of the car park building across from me. They stood there in awestruck shock at what I had done and as I panted heavily catching my breath, I put both hands up towards them, pointing the finger on both hands and yelling, "You'll never catch me you fucking cunts!"

I saw the soldiers copy my gesture and run back into the car park to run down and help their fellow soldiers in the fight. I then looked down at the street and saw that the others were turning down into an alleyway a few buildings down from me, heading away from the battle. They wouldn't get far before I caught up to them so I turned and ran further into the building and looked for some stairs to climb down. I got to a stairwell and jumped over the railings and sprinted down steps, getting closer and closer to the ground level going as fast as I could to get to them as quickly as I could. When I reached the last level I slammed open the building doors and continued to run towards the others on the street.

My head was aching, my lungs were burning, my stomach was in utter agony, and adrenaline was pumping though my veins. My legs were moving as fast as they could, weaving through trash on the streets and alleyways, my arms were swinging as I ran, occasionally shooting at stray soldiers or aliens. Even with my body going into exhaustion, my mind stayed wide awake, processing the situation and staying fully alert to my surroundings, but there was only one thought that ran through my head.

Find them.

I knew that I would be able to find them, quite easily in fact, but I was also scared that I wouldn't. I had to find them, because if I didn't, than my mind would cripple up and by heart would deflate. They were the closest thing I had to actually friends and I couldn't let that go. I just couldn't. Even though I said those things before, I didn't mean it, I just needed to get them to safety, and even though I fight with them all the time, they were petty fights that didn't even matter, but that's what you do with the people you're friends with right? You get along with each other and you fight with each other, but you always forgive each other because in the end you all know that you can't bare to stay mad at them. It's like that saying some people say, 'Forgive and Forget.'

Forgive and forget.

God, I hope they do because if they don't, I have no idea what I'll do.

As I ran past the alleyway that the others had gone into I could hear muffled shouts and screams from another alley further down the street. I was close.

I began to run even faster, making all the physical and mental feelings inside me grow to the extent were I was about to pass out, but I willed myself to keep going, because these kids were the only chance of happiness that I could possibly have and if I didn't have them, than I didn't have a chance at happiness.

I turned down the alleyway and heard their screaming get louder and clearer, and when I came out the other side I saw them running into another alleyway on the other side of the road. With the last of my energy I sprinted over to the alleyway and ran through it just as they were exiting it.

Just as I was about to call out to them and stop but I tripped on a broken piece of concrete that I hadn't seen, and stumbled past them, losing my balance and falling face first onto the road, making the others scream in fright at my sudden appearance.

"Lydia!" They all yell in unison once they realise that it was me.

Groaning I quickly get up and turn to face them, "Guys we need to keep moving, they're gonna catch us if we stop," I turn to start running again but stopped when Alex spoke.

"Why should we listen to you?"

"What?" I ask, already knowing where this is going.

"You said that you didn't care about us, so why should we listen to you?" Alex said.

"Look guys I'll explain everything once we get further away from here- just- please. Come on," I said begging them to wait until we were safe to stop and talk.

"You promise to tell us?" Alex said.

"I promise," You say looking straight into his eyes.

After a moment of consideration, they all start running towards me. I let out a relieved sigh and started running again, pain coursing through my entire body, but still forcing myself to keep on moving. As we all ran in a fear filled silence, thoughts and emotions were taking over my mind, making fear and nervousness fill my insides creating a nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach.

How the fuck was I going to tell them about what happened back there without revealing my entire life to them?! This was fucking ridiculous! I should have just run off without them when I had the fucking chance! But no, my brain and heart are ganging up on me with my emotions, making me feel stupid feelings that I never wanted, making everything more difficult that it needed to be.

Maybe I should have just let that military prick shoot me. If they shot me than they wouldn't have gotten any information about my gang because I'd be dead, but if I did die than the others would have been scarred for life, and I didn't want that to happen to them. But maybe it was because deep down I had this feeling that surfaced to my chest every now and then, that dug away at my chest, leaving a massive hole that had nothing to fill it with other than emotions and feelings. Feelings that made me want to end it all because throughout my childhood it has been growing because there hasn't been anything good about my life. The only thing in my life has been fear, sadness, pain, violence, responsibility and emptiness. Well there hasn't been anything else until the last few hours of my life.

These kids had all but managed to break down thousands of my walls that had been built throughout years and years of practice. I don't even understand how they managed to do it but they did, and I was partially greatful for it.

>*< >*< >*< Time Skip >*< >*< >*<

We had been running for what seemed like hours before we stopped. We had run down streets, highways, alleyways, dirt roads and now we were standing on a road next to a train yard and some old buildings.

It had gotten dark quickly, the sky was tinted pink and purple from the orange and yellows that the aliens had previously poisoned the sky with. From the position of the sun I would guess that was maybe five o'clock or something, so we didn't have much time before it became completely dark and I didn't want to wait around to see what kind of horrid alien creatures were waiting for us.

As we stopped in the middle of the deserted road and breathed heavily to gain back our breath that we had lost, we finally started talking.

"Oh shit!" Dariush said completely out of breath, "I told you that was a stupid idea. You idiots almost got me killed! I don't even want to be at summer camp. I should be in Cabo taking jelly shots from someone's ass cheeks!"

"Yeah, well at least you had somewhere else to go instead that stupid camp," I said in between breaths.

"What? You homeless or something?" Dariush asks me.

"Ha! I fucking wish," I say shutting him up.

"What do you think these things are after?" ZhenZhen asked the group.

"Food maybe," Alex responded, "It's possible their planet when dry and came to raid ours."

"What gives you that idea?" Dariush asks with a little less breathing in between each word.

"Nothing," Alex said, "It's the most common invasion movie plot."

"Maybe they're here to mind mates," ZhenZhen guessed, "That would explain the erotic rendezvous with Dariush earlier."

"If that's the case, Dariush ain't a single virgin anymore," I said slowly lowering myself to the ground and laying my exhausted body down on the cold road.

"First of all, I had sex before I told you guys that. And second, we do not speak of that incident," Dariush said to me.

"Whatever," I said closing my eyes and focused on my breathing and pain filled body.

"Let's just head North okay? To the desert," Dariush said, "get as far away from those things as we can get, alright?"

"There is no away from those things," ZhenZhen said.

"Besides, we'd be giving up humanities only hope at not going to extinction if we run away," I said opening my eyes again and looking up at Dariush, "Do you really want us to go extinct because you were too much of a coward to save us Dariush?"

Dariush didn't answer, he just looked down at his dirt shoes in shame, mumbling something to himself.

"Lydia and ZhenZhen are right," Alex said, "the only way we are going to survive is if we get this key to Dr Fielding.. It's what that soldier was gonna do."

"He died," Dariush stated, "And not just because Lydia shot him, but because an alien ship blew him up!"

"In my defense, he was going to kill me if I didn't kill him first," I said.

"Well he died anyway!" Dariush shouted at me but I was too tired to even give a fuck to glare at him, "Okay, look. If a bunch of badass marines can't get that key forty feet away without getting deep fried, what makes you think that we can get it forty miles?"

"We have to," Alex said standing up straight.

"What?" Dariush murmured as he turned to face Alex.

"It's on us now," Alex said, letting a short silence fill the air.

"Well, we're not going anywhere until we get some food," ZhenZhen said, "maybe even some sleep if we can."

"And I really need to stitch up my side again and probably do something with my face," I say gesturing to the half of my face that had been left on the road back in the city.

"Alright, alright fine," Dariush said and looked over to Gabriel, "What's up with Chico?"

We all suddenly looked over at Gabriel, only just realising that he hadn't spoken a single word throughout the whole conversation. I looked up at him and my heart almost broke in two at the sight I saw.

He was silently crying, his eyes were red and puffy, his cheeks were flushed and stained with tear tracks. He was looking out at the buildings further from the train yard with sadness and longing in his eyes and I couldn't help but wonder if this place had something to do with all the lies he's told us.

I sat up and touched his leg getting his attention, "Hey, what's wrong?"

He looked out over the buildings again and sniffled, "This is my street," He said, emotion lacing his voice.

"Great!" Alex yelled happily relieved, but not quite understanding that Gabriel was upset about something, "Can we go in your house?"

"It's my house but.." He sniffles again and sighs sadly and shaking his head slightly, "it's not my home... I haven't been totally honest with you guys..."

Everyone was looking at him now with sadness, compassion and confusion in their eyes as they waited for him to elaborate on the information that he just told them. Being the heartless monster I was, I personally was kind of excited because I'm hoping that he's gonna spill the beans on why he's told us so many lies, but I also was very concerned and worried about what I was going to hear next.

"I was in the mountains because.. I was in juvie.. and I escaped," he said looking at all of us, "So even if my mum is here.. she's not gonna wanna see me."

My heart instantly broke at his words and as we all fell silent, I shakily stood up and wrapped my arms around him, embracing him in a comforting hug. He didn't react instantly but after a second he slowly placed his arms around my waste and quietly cried into my shoulder. I rubbed gentle soothing circles into his back, trying as hard as I could to comfort him but probably failing miserably because when it comes to emotions I wasn't very good with them.

But it must have been working because he started to calm down. When he pulled away I gave him a small smile and rubbed his arm a little more. He smiled back a little and wiped the tears off his face.

"Come on man," Dariush said as ZhenZhen came and put a hand on his back and led him forward, which for some reason made anger burn inside me, but I brushed it off and followed them.

I walked behind the others as they all comforted Gabriel, observing and taking in our surroundings, looking for any signs of aliens, military soldiers or any other kind of dangerous threat. I was suddenly brought out of my observations when I heard the group laugh, I frowned and walked a little slower while crossing my arms, trying my best to block out the emotions rising inside of me. But then I saw something that really pissed me off.

ZhenZhen still had her hand on Gabriel's back.

My blood began to boil with anger and I scowled at the sight, clenching my jaw and curling my hands into tight fists. Why the fuck is she still touching him?! He doesn't need to be touched by her! Only I should be able to touch him!

I halted to a stop as I processed what my brain had just said to me. What the actual fuck is wrong with me?! Why would I think something like that! and more importantly, why the fuck am I getting angry at something so fucking stupid and pathetic as ZhenZhen being a good friend to Gabriel?! I mean it was ZhenZhen and she legit had her hand on his back for comfort, honestly, what the actual fuck is wrong with me?!

Before I could slap myself in the face for being a stupid idiot someone called out my name, "Lydia!"

I snapped my head upwards and saw that the others had stopped a few metres away and were calling out to me.

"You okay?" Dariush asked me.

I looked over at him and faked a smile, "Just peachy!" I say and start walking again.

As we all started walking again, I couldn't help but notice that ZhenZhen still had her fucking hand on Gabriel's back and I started mumbling curses and insults about ZhenZhen touching Gabriel and how I was being a stupid bitch.

We walked for another ten minutes and Gabriel led us through some old buildings and towards a large motel like building. It had a thick white concrete walls and was in the shape of a square and when we walked though the open gateway there was a large open grassed area with clothes lines lining a small and uneven brick pathway that went from one side of the clearing to the other. Each clothes line had white or pastel coloured bed sheets hanging on every single row, blowing in the windy air.

When we got a quarter of the way onto the pathway, a bright light shone down on us and the sound of an aircraft flew high in the sky above us. We all panicked and scrambled to hide under the white bed sheets. Once the aircraft had gone a safe distance away from us we quickly gathered back onto the pathway and panicked more.

"What was that?!" ZhenZhen shouted.

"Run!" Alex screamed.

"Where do we go?!" Dariush yelled.

"Follow me!" Gabriel shouted to us and we all ran after him down the rest of the brick path.

We ran along the edge of the buildings and running to one of the doors on the ground level. Gabriel opened the door to reveal a small apartment with furniture and rubbish thrown everywhere.

"Man we need to get my man Jacobi up in here," Dariush said when everyone had come inside.

"It's looters," Gabriel and I said in unison but I didn't bother looking back at him, I was too busy scanning the apartment.

I walked slowly around the apartment, taking in every detail. There was a small round table with four chairs and a small glass bowl of fruit sitting on top of it positioned to the left of the door, with a bookshelf full of ornaments, plants, photo frames and books sitting on its shelves against the wall to the right of the door. There were picture frames of paintings and photos hung up everywhere on all the walls, a small lounge room with a two seater couch with floral patterns covering the surface that sat against the left wall on there furthest side of an open doorway, and a matching recliner that had been tipped backward by the looters on the opposite wall. There was a small wooden coffee table in front of the couch with an empty bowl sitting on top and a brick fireplace sitting on the opposite wall facing the couch. There were plants in pots scattered around the rooms on stands and besides from all the rubbish and chaos that the looters had caused, it was a nice place. Small and comfortable, just how I liked.

"Alright, lets find something to eat," Dariush said and walked into the room on the left which was the kitchen, mumbling expensive sounding foods to himself as he raided the cupboards.

ZhenZhen went walking through a door on the right wall which I assumed was the bedrooms and maybe a bathroom. Alex and Gabriel stood in the main room looking around while I walked over to a window that was behind the small table near the door. I pulled aside the ripped curtains a looked out at the dark sky and grassed area, scanning for any signs of the aliens or military, only looking back to the others when Dariush came out of the kitchen with his arms full of food.

"Lets eat bitches," Dariush said.

They went to the middle of the main room and cleared away some of the rubbish on the floor so that they could sit down and eat. They sat in a circle, ZhenZhen, Alex, Dariush, and Gabriel, I sat at the table by the window with my medical box out, stitching up my side.

"You should come sit down here with us Lydia," Alex said to me, braking my concentration and accidentally making me stab myself with the needle.

I hissed and pulled out the needle, looking back to Alex, "I'll come over when I finish fixing my destroyed body," I smiled and went back to stitching up my wound. The others sighed and continued to eat.

It turns out that the technique of using just one long piece of suture to stitch up my wound was a shit idea. The knots had broken and it had slid through my skin while I was running, so I had to take it out and start all over again, but this time I was more exhausted, weak and dizzy from the major amount of blood I've lost, so I had to concentrate really hard to get it right.

I managed to get seven stitches in my wound before putting the bandages on and when I put away all the stuff for my stomach I grabbed out a few clean wipes and some band aids and bandages, but the only thing that I didn't have was a mirror.

I turned back to the group who were eating and talking quietly to each other and was about to ask Gabriel if he had a mirror when another aircraft flew over the building, sending a bright light through the window and onto me. I quickly ducked under the table to try and hide from the light. After a few more seconds the aircraft and it's search light had disappeared, and I came back out from under the table to see the others looking at me.

"Uhh.. Gabriel, do you have a mirror that I could use to fix my face," I say awkwardly.

"Yeah.. there's one in the bathroom. Go through the kitchen and there's a door next to the fridge," He said and took a bite of a sandwich.

"Thanks," I then follow his instructions and head into the kitchen, walked to the door and opened it to see a very small bathroom. There was a small shower in the furthest right corner and a sink and mirror opposite it, there was also another door next to the shower which was probably where the toilet was.

I closed the door and walked over in front of the sink and looked into the mirror at myself. Damn...

I look like shit.

My face was a ghostly pale white with sweat still running down my face, I had dark rings under my eyes and there was dust and dirt covering my whole face. My hair was a knotty mess and my right cheek and nose, was covered in red blood. My whole cheek and the top of my nose had a large chunk of flesh scrapped away and there were tiny rocks scattered within my cheek. The blood was slowly dripping down my face and down my neck where I saw that my clothes were covered in dust again.

"Well shit..." I mumbled to myself.

There wasn't much that I could do to my face accept clean it, get all the rocks out and maybe try and put a bandage on it but looking at the size of it I don't think I have a bandage big enough to cover the whole thing.

I sighed and grabbed a wipe and gently began dabbing at my tender face, wiping away the blood and dirt from the exposed flesh. Once I had wiped away most of the blood and dirt from my face I examined my skin. There were still tiny rocks wedged into the scrapped flesh and the scrape on my cheek was mainly on my lower cheek bone, it was way too big to put a bandage on but I could fit a band aid on my nose. I didn't bring any tweezers so I opened a small draw that I noticed was attached to the bottom of the sink and rummaged through its contents to try and find some, just when I was about to give up I saw a glint of silver metal at the very back of the draw and pulled out a small pair of tweezers. I then looked back at myself in the mirror and began carefully pulling the rocks out of my face. When I finished I grabbed a band aid from the supplies that I brought with me to the bathroom and carefully placed it on my nose.

Looking back at myself in the mirror I stared at myself. I was such an ugly person, an ugly looking person with an ugly personality. How did I let everything get this far? Why did I not just run away from my family when I had the chance to? I could have given myself a chance at a better childhood instead of becoming an outlawed gang leader and murderer. I could have lived a happier life with no horrible feelings inside me, eating away at my insides. I could have been a better person.

But I'm not, and I have to deal with the choices I've made and just get through this stage of my life until I either get killed or kill myself, because either option seemed to be a likely possibility right now.

I sighed and grabbed all my stuff, walked out of the bathroom. When I walked into the kitchen I could hear a whispered conversation between the others and being the curious cat that I am I stopped at the kitchen door way and listened to their conversation.

"If you say that I like her one more time I swear to god I will stab you in the throat!" Gabriel whisper shouted to someone in the group, most likely Dariush.

"You gonna stab me with the knife that your crush gave you, are you?" Dariush whispered.

"I don't have a crush on her!" Gabriel whisper shouted.

"Prove it then," Alex whispered.

"Prove what?" Gabriel whispered.

"That you don't like her," Alex whispered.

"And how do you want me to do that?" Gabriel asked.

"The next time she gets upset or something, don't comfort her," Dariush said.

"Sure, whatever," Gabriel replied.

I smirked, this was going to be fun.

I walked around the corner and went over to the table with the rest of my stuff still on it, pretending that I hadn't heard their conversation. I put the medical stuff back into the box and then but the box back into my bag. Just to be a teasing bitch, I then grabbed my guns that I had used earlier today from the holsters and reloaded them, placing them back to the holsters once I finished. I then turned around and walked over to the group who were eating in silence and side glancing at me every time they thought I wasn't looking.

I sat down in between Gabriel and ZhenZhen, feeling Gabriel tense up at my movements. I sat cross legged and looked down at the food that was on the floor. There was bread, peanut butter, butter, jam, mustard and a few other things that they used to make sandwiches. I grabbed to slices of bread and a butter knife, sticking it into the butter and spreading it on the bread, then sticking it into the peanut butter and spreading it on both slices before putting them together to make a peanut better sandwich. I took a large bite out of it and looked up at the others.

"So.. what's the tea?" I ask them.

They all look around at each other and start giggling. I laugh with them and take another bite out of my sandwich.

"Hey, how did you even end up in jail?" Dariush asked Gabriel, making everyone go quiet and look at Gabriel.

"My dad left.. when I was about ten," he started, "You know, I got a job as a bag boy at a grocery store my mum worked at, to you know.. help her with money. One time she steps away, and I took over the cash register..." He pauses and shakes his head a bit clearly a bit uncomfortable sharing this story, "I was helping a customer, and uh, he started to accuse me of stealing from him.. I guess I gave him the wrong change..." He paused again, seeming to be gathering a bit of courage to tell us the next bit, "I get numbers, like, muddled in my head sometimes, unless I see them written down. But he didn't believe me. And um.. I just... I lost it. So I decked him, and broke his nose. Mum got fired and.. they sent me away. She never came around to visit me once.."

I didn't know how to feel about this. A part of me wanted to feel sympathy for him and comfort him like a normal person would do but there was a bigger part of me, the part that I have grown to be, that made me pity him. I mean sure it was sad but it was nothing compared to what I've been through and I hate how I'm comparing myself to him because I know that it's a selfish but it was just the way I was and how I was taught to be.

So I just looked down and took another bite of my sandwich.

"You can't choose your family," ZhenZhen said, drawing everyone's attention to her, "But you can always make a new one."

I snickered at her words and almost spat out my mouthful of sandwich. The others looked at me like I was a fucking idiot and it just made me laugh even more, "That was the most stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

I started laughing more, holding my wound to lessen the pain that was coursing through me every time I laughed, "It makes no sense! You basically just said the same thing twice!"

"Well forgive me for trying to comfort him," ZhenZhen said crossing her arms clearly offended that I had made fun of her 'words of wisdom'.

"Why don't you tell us about why the military was going to kill you?" Alex said changing the subject.

I froze. I stopped laughing and stared at the ground, my expression turning grim. I looked around at everyone in the group hoping that they would change their minds about asking me about my past.

"Do you really want to know? Because once I tell you, there's a good chance that you'll think I'm worse than the aliens after," I ask them desperately.

"Tell us," ZhenZhen ordered me.

I sighed and threw my sandwich on the ground and looked down at my hands, "I didn't mean to hurt you guys with what I said when I was talking to that military soldier, I just had to get you guys out of the way so you wouldn't get hurt. You see.. That soldier wasn't lieing when he said that I was one of the most wanted gang leaders of LA.. My jacket," I said turning around and showing them the logo, "It's my gang jacket. The Grizzly Ghouls.. and they call me their grizzly queen, so that's why my bike had it painted on the side and the soldier referred to me as the Grizzle Queen... I've been hiding from the military and FBI for months, maybe years now and today was the closest that they've gotten to catching me. When they saw that you guys were with me they thought that you were a part of my gang and they would have killed you if you were so I.. I couldn't bear the thought that you guys would have been killed because of me and my past, so that's why I had to say those things about you.. and I'm sorry," I said looking around at each of their faces waiting for them to speak.

"What about that guy in the police station?" Alex asked me.

"He was.. he was a senior at my high school which is where my gang is from, including two other both equally dangerous gangs. Lou was a disgusting piece of shit that molestered the children at my school. He tricked almost every kid into thinking that he was their friend, getting so close to us that we shared some of the darkest shit with him. But he was never as friendly as he seemed to be... once you were within range of him he targeted you until he got what he wanted. And he did.. every single day... He raped and beat basically every single person at my school, every single day.. and you could always tell who he had done it to.. by they way they walked or their appearances or just by being in their presence. It was horrible... and when I was new to school, he got me too. I was his friend for maybe a month or two before... before he did it... One day after a gang trial that all the newbies have to do.. I was walking out of the school gates when he came up behind me and- and got me to follow him back into the school... He took me to the boys locker rooms and pushed me up against the lockers.. trapping me... An-and that when he raped me," tears started to fall down my face and I looked down at my hands that had curled into fists.

I sniffed, wiping away the tears from my face, "That piece of shit got what he deserved. And when I beat and eventually killed that motherfucker in that police station, it felt good to finally get revenge on him, and not just for me but for all the kids he raped and beat and killed... I don't regret it at all..."

When no one made an sign of moving or speaking I stood up and walked over to the door, "I'm going to do a perimeter check. I'll be back," I then walked out the door.

I walked out to the grassed area and sat down in the middle of it, laying down on my back and looking up at the stars in the poisoned sky.

"You fucking idiot," I whispered to myself, finally letting myself completely break down.

I sobbed loudly to myself, letting everything out, all the bottled up emotions and feelings that have been eating my from the inside out. All the loneliness and longing, all the pain and distraught, all the sadness and self hatred, all the anger and regret. I let all of it out until they were all gone and the only thing that I could feel was emptiness. And once the tears stopped running down my disgusting and sore face, I lay there with half closed eyelids and stared beyond the sky, deep in thought.

They hate you now. I thought

They're so disgusted by you that they don't give a rats ass that you're in pain.

They don't care about how much you've longed for the compassion and care that you've needed so badly.

You'll wake up in the morning and find that they're all gone.

That they've left you to rot from self hatred.

That they've left you to die.

You should do them a favour and jus-

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of footsteps walking across the grass towards me. I turned my head to my left and saw that it was Gabriel. I looked back up to the sky as he came and lay down beside me, also looking up at the sky.

After a moment of silence I couldn't bare it anymore, "Do you ever wish you could just start over again?"

"...sometimes..." He responded, "But even if I did.. it wouldn't change anything..."

"Why?"

"Because everything happens for a reason and even if we went back and tried to change the past, it wouldn't stop what happened, it would just change how it happened... We can't change the past, we can only live in the present."

I sighed as another silence filled the air.

"I don't think I can do this anymore..." I whispered.

"You don't think you can do what anymore?" He asks.

"Live.." I respond as I begin to cry again, "The only thing that has been given to me by living is pain and sadness... I don't want to be sad anymore.. I don't want to feel pain anymore.."

"You don't have to," Gabriel said, "Once this is all over, we can run away. We can run away from everything and live better lives."

"But.. but I can't.." I sob, "my gang needs me.. When I went into hiding, everything when to hell, there was nothing keeping them all at peace... I was the only thing keeping them at peace.. and I left them."

"You were trying to protect yourself. There is nothing wrong with that."

"There is when you're a monster like me."

"You're not a monster Lydia. You're just a girl that's had a crappy childhood. There's nothing wrong with wanting a break from all the chaos and to have a normal life for once."

"I wish i could have gone back and just run away from that place," I sighed.

"Well if you did, I wouldn't have met you" Gabriel spoke again turning his head to look at me.

I turned my head to look at him. His eyes were sparkling in the faintly coloured sky light, his hair a complete mess, the freckles on his face standing out more than usual and his lips looked softer than ever. He was completely perfect, but he wouldn't want someone as broken and ugly as me.

A stray tear fell from my eye and it rolled down my cheek to the grass, "W-what's so special about a broken girl like me?"

He turned on his side, grabbed my left hand and placed his other hand gently on my face, wiping away another tear and putting a strand of my messy hair behind my ear. He looked into my teary eyes and leaned in a little more, "Everything..."

He leaned in further and I met him half way. Our lips connected in a soft, slow kiss, our lips moving perfectly against one another and as I brought my other hand up and cupped his face we both pulled away for air. As we breathed softly, both looking into each others half closed eyes, it suddenly felt as if that hole in my chest was almost gone, like that one kiss had filled it back up and it felt so good because for once in my life I felt something other than sadness or despair.

I felt happiness.

I smiled and leaned again, making this kiss a little more passionate and deep. I put my hand into his hair and rolled onto my side to make it easier for him to kiss me. It felt as if fireworks were going off and the more I deepened the kiss the more they seemed to explode. Just when I was about to deepen the kiss a little more, someone cleared their throat, startling us to a stop.

We both looked over to see that Dariush, ZhenZhen and Alex were all standing at the edge of the grassed area near the apartment door that we were staying in. Dariush and ZhenZhen were smirking at us and Alex looking like he was going to throw up.

"If you love birds are finished snogging on the ground, could you come back inside so we can organise where we are all sleeping?" Dariush said crossing his arms.

"Y-you guys aren't going to make me leave?" I ask with a shaky voice.

"No, you were trying to protect us, I think we can forgive you for that," Alex said.

"Besides Gabriel wouldn't let us kick you out," Dariush added with a smirk making Gabriel's face flush red.

"Thanks," I said smiling and standing up.

I looked down at Gabriel who was blushing like crazy, and held a hand out for him to take. He looked up at me smiling and accepted my hand, I pulled him to his feet and we all walked back inside. Gabriel didn't let go of my hand, but I didn't mind, it felt good to have him around.

When we walked into the bedroom and saw that there was only two single beds, the boys all froze and looked at each other. I rolled my eyes knowing what they are thinking but not wanting to make too big of a deal about it, "I'll sleep on the couch."

I went to turn around and walk back to the couch when the boys started protesting.

"No, no, no, no, no!" they all shouted pushing me back into the room.

"Well, ZhenZhen and I are going to get changed," I say and walk towards a door on the other side of the room, "Sort it out yourselves."

I walk in with ZhenZhen and close the door, immediately hearing chatter between the three of them through the thin walls. I chuckled and looked at ZhenZhen who was changing into some red onesie thing.

"Are you going to get changed?" ZhenZhen asked me and I almost burst out laughing again.

"If you think for one second that I'm going to wear one of those, than you've got another thing coming," I said chuckling.

"So you're just going to sleep in your clothes?"

"I'd much rather sleep in this than that horrid thing."

"Okay, whatever."

I waited for ZhenZhen to get fully changed before asking her about the boys, "So.. do you think we should let at least let one of them share a bed with us or should we be bitches and make them all sleep on the couch or floor?"

"I think we should either share a bed ourselves, let two of them have the other and one of them sleep on the couch, or we can let one of them share a bed with us," she said.

"Hmm, okay. So if we let one of them sleep with us, would you pick Alex?" I ask crossing my arms over my chest, ginning.

"W-what?! N-no! No!" She said flustered.

"Oh okay so you won't mind if he sleeps with me?" I ask raising an eyebrow and ginning wider.

"No! I-I mean, I don't care! He can sleep with whoever he wants. I don't care," She said looking out the small window in the room and also crossing her arms.

"So we agree to let one of them share a bed with us?" I ask her smirking.

"Sure, whatever," She says and I open the door for her to walk out of the room.

When we walk out the boys instantly stop talking and look at us. I smile and pinch ZhenZhen's arm signalling to her that she had to tell them the little plan.

"One of you can sleep in a bed with each of us, the extra can sleep on the couch," she said, jumping over the first bed and climbing onto the second, closing her eyes and waiting for the boys to leave. I smile and sit cross legged at the head of the first bed as the boys race for the other room, frantically talking about what ZhenZhen had just said.

I chuckled as I listened in on their conversation, looking over at ZhenZhen, "They think that you meant that one of them could have sex with us," I said and burst out laughing.

"That's gross," she said not moving from her position on the bed.

"You won't be saying it's gross when you have someone's dick up your ass," I said and laugh harder as she fake gagged.

Suddenly the door opened the boys walked out and when I saw them I started laughing even harder than before, "H-holy Shit! Haha! You guys look utterly ridiculous!"

"Whatever," Dariush mumbled and walked out of the room to the couch.

Alex slowly starts making his way over to the second bed where ZhenZhen lay. I watch him lay down next to her and nervously fidget with the rubix cube in his hands before ZhenZhen grabbed one of his hands and pulled it down to lay on the bed in between them, whispering something that made him smile like a school girl who just got told that her crush liked her back.

Smooth, real smooth.

"Um, can I get in the bed?" Gabriel murmured from next to me.

I turned my head to face him, his face was red and he was rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

I scowled at him and said, "No."

His facial expression turned sad and I just laughed, "Get in."

I moved over to the edge of the bed and let him get comfy on the other side, I then shuffled closer to him, tangling our legs and bringing my back into contact with his broad chest. I grabbed his hands from behind and put them around my waste and to my chest.

"Good night Gabriel," I whispered.

He smiled back and hugged me closer to him, "Good night Lydia."

I then closed my eyes and fell into a dreamless sleep.

CHAPTER 1 - CHAPTER 2 - CHAPTER 3 - CHAPTER 4 - CHAPTER 5 - CHAPTER 6 

[niragixpsych]

This new prompt sounds really fun and I finally get to be the first (hopefully) to reply to one of these (yay me I guess.XD). So let's see:

Animals:

Bunny - This one's obviously related to the fact that people speculate Niragi is supposed to be the March Hare from Alice in Wonderland, but he do be cute like a bunny (and he probably has a sex drive like one too)

Tiger - Fierce and dangerous, that's for sure, but also majestic

Colors:

Black - Like the darkness of his soul I've noticed that most of his color pallet is black and in a way it suits him, kinda gives you the ominous vibe of mystery and intrigue he's certainly aiming for, but at the same time it's kinda drawing you in (it's hard to explain, but bear with me.XD)

Red - Oh, the color of both anger and fierce passion, this man could embody both really well depending on the context, if not both at the same time too.

Gold - I guess once you dig deep enough you might actually find something special underneath (I keep also on thinking about that line from Gasoline too since the song fits this man like a glove, y'know?)

Places:

You know these old and abandoned scary houses? - I'd say Niragi reminds me of one of those sometimes, since he's marked by many scars left by the harsh past that make him put on a very scary appearance to divert people from coming near him and he'd resigned himself to solitude. But thing is, just like with one of these houses, I feel that with the right amount of care and patience you could restore it to something beautiful. (Ah, I think my writer tendencies are coming back with these deep parallels, you'll have to excuse my old habits.XD)

Flowers (it might be odd to associate flowers with him, but I've got some stuff for this too since I found some prompt list with flower language, so I'mma use that for the meanings):

Red rose - Cause this man pricks you with his sharp thorns until he draws blood, but at the same time makes you love him passionately.

Calla lily - Beauty. This one's obvious: man is gorgeous, enough said.

Red columbine - Anxiety. Niragi surely suffers of some forms of anxiety if not PTSD from his past, since some of the symptoms of those are violent and very aggressive behavior in some cases.

Candytuff - Indifference. I hope it's no surprise to anyone that indifference is a trait that speaks Niragi, since it's easier to keep others away to get rid of any annoying presence.

Oak - Strength. Man is strong from all points of view, period.

Edelweiss - Courage and devotion. Again, I feel that if he were to open up to someone and accept them in his life as a friend or something more, he'd become very devoted to that person since they would have to mean something to him if he views them in that way.

Songs (I'll keep this short since I'm still working on a playlist for him):

I'd add here all the songs from your repertoire for Niragi, Gasoline having to take the lead in this one because the lyrics are deep and fit his complexity (thinking back to his manga version too). A misunderstood recluse. Oh, and also the "Love the way you lie" song fits the dynamic he'd prolly have in a relationship.

I hate everything about you by Three days Grace - He's volcanic, unpredictable and defines himself through hatred, so his love language would be scattered too by a back and forth between love and hate.

Animal by Three days Grace - Kinda self explanatory once you understand the lyrics.

Pain, again by Three days Grace - Relating to the fact he's a freaking masochist who'd rather inflict more hate from others and suffering just to feel alive.

Toxic by Britney Spears - Need I say more?XD

Criminal by Britney Spears - This is for all my fellas who love this man and have at least one ship with him.XD

I'm still here from Treasure Planet - I know, this song is related to parental neglect, but at the same time the lines about others not understanding you and wanting to change you to fit their standards make me think about how much he dislikes being told what to do and being sent "to therapy" by people around him. He just wants to be himself in a world that keeps on rejecting him.

Fifty shades by BoyEpic - Moving into sexy territory, hurah! This one's more for the perspective of a potential lover of his, since I'm sure as heck Niragi would be into some kinky stuff involving some form of hurting his partner.

Dirty mind by BoyEpic - Not much to say, just in relation to the fact I think he's into just enjoying some good sex not involving feelings.

Well, that's all I could remember for now. Phew, this was one heck of a ride.💀 Thanks for taking the patience to go through this!

~ Yours, The anon who keeps coming back no matter what

WHAT DO YOU ASSOCIATE MY MUSE WITH?

(( You're first and only one to send something in for this prompt/meme I'm not sure what it is to be honest.

If it comes to the animals - sex drive like a bunny is accurate if he has interest in someone, other than that it's just for passing the time and because they want it so bad -, colors and places I can see all of them too. And there are sure triggering things for him and he will always react differently to them. Also I'm not sure for my muse whether he is closer to anxiety or PTSD yet.

As for the songs Gasoline will always be one of my favorite songs for him. Toxic and Criminal by Britney Spears had me love because I think they fit for those that are into him. For the others I can see I why they fit in your eyes because of the vibe and the lyrics. Pain, again by Three days Grace I think I will add straight to my character inspo. Also maybe the Britney Spears ones just for the fun of it. I love the way you lie will stick too. I'm sure I will add more songs as I go. Still hanging on Wildfire a bit. lol But thank you for the other songs I will keep pondering over them.

[yuna-writes]

Normalcy in socialization

I'm not sure what's considered "normal" when it comes to socializing with other people. If there was one thing I noticed was normal to me but abnormal to other people is my ability to be alone for a very long time. It sort of goes into being an introvert, but when I was a teen I didn't realize the behaviors I found normal is considered unusual to other teens around my age.

When I was in college, I made a friend with another girl one time. We got along great and I thought we had a good chemistry in terms of being friends. So apparently I have the tendency to spend a long time alone, do my own thing where I like to spend more 'me time' so I would watch shows, read books, and draw independently for about weeks or even over a month being alone. When I tried to re-connect with the friend, she grew visibly upset and stopped talking to me. At that time, I was very confused why she was so dissatisfied with our friendship, but then I realize she probably went through various stages of emotions and wanted the presence and comfort of a friend...and well, I wasn't really present. It's really interesting too because I thought I did everything right in the relationship by being myself. Maybe I did nothing wrong technically, because some people can understand my need to be left alone. It doesn't mean I don't like them, but I have independent hobbies and interest I want to do on the side.

As an adult, I have to remind myself that normal people experience various moods such as being happy, sad, angry etc in a short span of time. My mood doesn't vary much so I like to be alone and chill. It does give the impression to other people that I seem disinterested but I am still interested in the friendship or relationship. I guess among the women I encountered, they would initiate small talk a lot and express or share their emotions on daily basis but I don't really do this because again, my mood doesn't vary much. Also, I'm pretty bad at small talk. The positive is that most people find me very chill and calming, the downside is I can't really relate to a lot of other people's experiences.

I heard among men, they can go for about weeks or months not talking to each other and then meet again as friends but still be in good terms. I studied this and their friendship is a bit different compared to girls and women where they focus more on activities and action based interest but don't really care so much expressing emotions. It's sort of like they would play a sport together, then forget about each other for several weeks or months, and then just show up and be best buds again and play the sport together. Meanwhile, among women, they focus a lot on emotional connection and paying attention to each other's ability to express empathy and being very present in their social circles. I guess socially, how I approach female friendships seems to lean toward how men form friendships. And well...it doesn't work out practically. I only met two female friends who can understand this, but mostly it's because they lead busy and independent lives and don't really need the attention. I wonder if it's true that female friendships largely have the tendency to focus on emotional connection, attentiveness to each other's feelings, and being compassionate to each other. It's just a theory for now.

Sometimes I wonder what I think is normal is based on how I was raised as well. And I wasn't really raised in a warm hearted and empathetic household. When you lived in a certain household and your parents treated you a certain way for many years, you start to normalize this in your brain and think those behaviors are normal. On other hand, other people might view it as neglect or disinterest. I still have the same qualities where I like to be left alone and pursue my interest on the side. But someone mentioned to me that maintaining friends requires a lot of work. I think I can say I can make friends easily, but maintaining them is nearly impossible. It's a lot of small talk, being emotional with each other, and helping each other through highs and lows. I get emotionally burnt out, but I'm unsure why either. It could be my introverted personality.

[thetiredking]

Satan was right (trigger warning lots of messed up stuff mentioned)

Without going on a long winded tangent about what got me thinking, I wanted to yell into the void about a reoccurring thought. Satan was right. The uncomfortable truth is that we live in a world of unspeakable horror. Most of us try not to think about it or are willfully ignorant about how bad it really is. Some of us attempt to comprehend some amount of it and find ourselves staring into the abyss, too jaded to look away. I have always had a bleeding heart to a fault. And thats not a humble brag, its a personality defect that has caused me no end of trouble. Always wanting to take people at their word and trust that people share my sense of morals and character. Always wanting to see the parts of a person I could empathize with. Getting hurt more times than I can count being too nice, too trusting or too forgiving. Its a condition I manage, but having such a trait and dealing with the consequences of everything in the last paragraph has left me bitter. My heart bleeds for people. People I am powerless to truely help. People who experience the worst that humanity has to offer. The worst, most hanus crimes you can imagine. On innocent adults, children, infants... So many of us are subjected to so much cruel and incomprehensibly evil trauma. And I try not to think about it. I try not to think about the children out there suffering. I can't save them. I know I can't and people tell me I can't, but that doesn't stop me from wishing I could.

This is where satan finally comes into the story. Satan offered god an alternative plan to gods own. One where souls would get to skip the trials of coming to earth and automatically get to enter heaven. There would be no questions of worthiness, you would just go right to heaven. God said no and sent us down here with the intention of making us live out lives on this planet where we would use our free will to choose to be saved and go to heaven by leading a christ like life. God sent us down here with the freedom to be a slave to our instincts, our cultures, our traumas, our vices, our worldly conditions, our mental health issues. On earth we are free to suffer. And millions of men, women, and especially children experience the unrelenting evils of war, poverty, crime, physical abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse. Men, women and children suffering from bigotry of all forms. Exploitation of all forms. Evil in all forms. Especially the hainus ones you try not to think about. Well as you might have guessed i'm not a fan of the western christianity I grew up around. But being raised around it has left me with various thoughts to content with. In these days where I have babies of my own, I can't help but look at the world for the fucked up place that it really is. To indulge in the delusion that life is a place like movies where you can live a totally normal life is a priveledge I don't think I can delude myself back into. And I think about how If I could send my babies straight to heaven without living a life on this godforsaken rock, i'd happily throw gods plan away and kneel before satan. My children are growing up in a world where child predators exist. Where they will be molded by regressive cultural norms and experience bigotry. I will do my best as a parent to guide them and protect them. But it's just me standing in the way of a world of evil and my babies. And I won't even always be able to protect them. It's scary to see the evil in the world. To think about how much messed up shit happenes every day. It's even scarier when you think about your kids living in the same world as it. But it's not just my kids my heart bleeds for. If I could save one child from neglect, or abandonment, or abuse with satans plan, i'd march with him on heaven. And I'd want to see those cut down who would send children to earth to suffer in the most horrific ways. Satan was right.

[be-gay-do-heists]

hello yall :) the holy month of elul started last night, which is typically a time for contemplation, so since it is impossible for me to stop thinking about leverage, i decided to write an essay. hope anyone interested in reading it enjoys, and that it makes at least a little sense!! spoilers for leverage redemption

-----

Leverage, Judaism, and “Doing the Work”: An Essay for Elul

When it comes to Elul and the approaching High Holidays, Leverage might seem like an odd topic to meditate on.

The TNT crime drama that ran from 2008-2012, and which released a new season this summer following its renewal, centers on a group of found-family thieves who help the victims of corporations and oligarchs (sometimes based on real-world examples), using wacky heists and cons to bring down the rich and powerful. In one episode, the team’s clients want to reclaim their father’s prized Glimt piece that had been stolen in the Shoah and never returned, but aside from this and the throwaway lines and jokes standard for most mainstream television, there’s not a ton textually Jewish about Leverage. However, despite this, I have found that the show has strong resonance among Jewish fans, and lots of potential for analysis along Jewish themes. This tends to focus on one character in particular: the group’s brilliant, pop culture-savvy, and personable hacker, Alec Hardison, played by the phenomenally talented Aldis Hodge.

I can’t remember when or where I first encountered a reading of Hardison as Jewish, but not only is this a somewhat popular interpretation, it doesn’t feel like that much of a leap. In the show itself, Hardison has a couple of the aforementioned throwaway lines that potentially point to him being Jewish, even if they’re only in service of that moment’s grift. It’s hard to point to what exactly makes reading Hardison as Jewish feel so natural. My first guess is the easy way Hardison fits into the traditional paradigms of Jewish masculinity explored by scholars such as Daniel Boyarin (2). Most of the time, the hacker is not portrayed as athletic or physical; he is usually the foil to the team’s more physically-adept characters like fighter Eliot, or thief Parker. Indeed, Hardison’s strength is mental, expressed not only through his computer wizardry but his passions for science, technology, music, popular media, as well as his studious research into whatever scenario the group might come up against. In spite of his self-identification as a “geek,” Hardison is nevertheless confident, emotionally sensitive, and secure in his masculinity. I would argue he is representative of the traditional Jewish masculine ideal, originating in the rabbinic period and solidified in medieval Europe, of the dedicated and thoughtful scholar (3). Another reason for popular readings of Hardison as Jewish may be the desire for more representation of Jews of color. Although mainstream American Jewish institutions are beginning to recognize the incredible diversity of Jews in the United States (4), and popular figures such as Tiffany Haddish are amplifying the experiences of non-white Jews, it is still difficult to find Jews of color represented in popular media. For those eager to see this kind of representation, then, interpreting Hardison, a black man who places himself tangential to Jewishness, in this way is a tempting avenue.

Regardless, all of the above remains fan interpretation, and there was little in the text of the show that seriously tied Judaism into Hardison’s identity. At least, until we got this beautiful speech from Hardison in the very first episode of the renewed show, directed at the character of Harry Wilson, a former corporate lawyer looking to atone for the injustice he was partner to throughout his career:

“In the Jewish faith, repentance, redemption, is a process. You can’t make restitution and then promise to change. You have to change first. Do the work, Harry. Then and only then can you begin to ask for forgiveness. [...] So this… this isn’t the win. It’s the start, Harry.”

I was floored to hear this speech, and thrilled that it explained the reboot’s title, Leverage: Redemption. Although not mentioned by its Hebrew name, teshuvah forms the whole basis for the new season. Teshuvah is the concept of repentance or atonement for the sins one has committed. Stemming from the root shuv/shuva, it carries the literal sense of “return.” In a spiritual context, this usually means a return to G-d, of finding one’s way back to holiness and by extension good favor in the eyes of the Divine. But equally important is restoring one’s relationships with fellow humans by repairing any hurt one has caused over the past year. This is of special significance in the holy month of Elul, leading into Rosh haShanah, the Yamim Noraim, and Yom Kippur, but one can undertake a journey of redemption at any point in time. That teshuvah is a journey is a vital message for Harry to hear; one job, one reparative act isn’t enough to overturn years of being on the wrong side of justice, to his chagrin. As the season progresses, we get to watch his path of teshuvah unfold, with all its frustrations and consequences. Harry grows into his role as a fixer, not only someone who can find jobs and marks for the team, but fixes what he has broken or harmed.

So why was Hardison the one to make this speech?

I do maintain that it does provide a stronger textual basis for reading Hardison as Jewish by implication (though the brief on-screen explanation for why he knows about teshuvah, that his foster-parent Nana raised a multi-faith household, is important in its own merit, and meshes well with his character traits of empathy and understanding for diverse experiences). However, beyond this, Hardison isn’t exactly an archetypical model for teshuvah. In the original series, he was the youngest character of the main ensemble, a hacking prodigy in the start of his adult career, with few mistakes or slights against others under his belt. In one flashback we see that his possibly first crime was stealing from the Bank of Iceland to pay off his Nana’s medical bills, and that his other early hacking exploits were in the service of fulfilling personal desires, with only those who could afford to pay the bill as targets. Indeed, in the middle of his speech, Hardison points to Eliot, the character with the most violent and gritty past who views his work with the Leverage team as atonement, for a prime example of ongoing teshuvah. So while no one is perfect and everyone has a reason for doing teshuvah, this question of why Hardison is the one to give this series-defining speech inspired me to look at his character choices and behavior, and see how they resonate with a different but interrelated Jewish principle, that of tikkun olam. 

Tikkun olam is literally translated as “repairing the world,” and can take many different forms, such as protecting the rights of vulnerable people in society, or giving tzedakah (5). In modern times, tikkun olam is often the rallying cry for Jewish social activists, particularly among environmentalists for whom literally restoring the health of the natural world is the key goal. Teshuvah and tikkun olam are intertwined (the former is the latter performed at an interpersonal level) and both hold a sense of fixing or repairing, but tikkun olam really revolves around a person feeling called to address an injustice that they may have not had a personal hand in creating. Hardison’s sense of a universal scale of justice which he has the power to help right on a global level and his newfound drive to do humanitarian work, picked up sometime after the end of the original series, make tikkun olam a central value for his character. This is why we get this nice bit of dialogue from Eliot to Hardison in the second episode of the reboot, when the latter’s outside efforts to organize international aid start distracting him from his work with the team: “Is [humanitarian work] a side gig? In our line of work, you’re one of the best. But in that line of work… you’re the only one, man.” The character who most exemplifies teshuvah reminds Hardison of his amazing ability to effect change for the better on a huge stage, to do some effective tikkun olam. It’s this acknowledgement of where Hardison can do the most good that prompts the character’s absence for the remainder of the episodes released thus far, turning his side gig into his main gig.

With this in mind, it will be interesting to see where Hardison’s arc for this season goes. Separated from the rest of the team, the hacker still has remarkable power to change the world, because it is, after all, the “age of the geek.” However, he is still one person. For all that both teshuvah and tikkun olam are individual responsibilities and require individual decision-making and effort, the latter especially relies on collective work to actually make things happen. Hardison leaving is better than trying to do humanitarian work and Leverage at the same time, but there’s only so long he can be the “only one” in the field before burning out. I’m reminded of one of the most famous (for good reason) maxims in Judaism:

It is not your duty to finish the work, but neither are you free to neglect it. (6)

Elul is traditionally a time for introspection and heeding the calls to repentance. After a year where it’s never been easier to feel powerless and drained by everything going on around us, I think it’s worth taking the time to examine what kind of work we are capable of in our own lives. Maybe it’s fixing the very recent and tangible hurts we’ve left behind, like Harry. Maybe it’s the little changes for the better that we make every day, motivated by our sense of responsibility, like Eliot. And maybe it’s the grueling challenge of major social change, like Hardison. And if any of this work gets too much, who can we fall back on for support and healing? Determining what needs repair, working on our own scale and where our efforts are most helpful, and thereby contributing to justice in realistic ways means that we can start the new year fresh, having contemplated in holiday fashion how we can be better agents in the world.

Shana tovah u’metukah and ketivah tovah to all (7), and may the work we do in the coming year be for good!

------

(1) Disclaimer: everybody’s fandom experiences are different, and this is just what I’ve picked up on in my short time watching and enjoying this show with others.

(2) See, for example, the introduction and first chapter of Boyarin’s book Unheroic Conduct: The Rise of Heterosexuality and the Invention of the Jewish Man (I especially recommend at least this portion if you are interested in queer theory and Judaic studies). There he explores the development of Jewish masculinity in direct opposition to Christian masculine standards.

(3) I might even go so far as to place Hardison well within the Jewish masculine ideal of Edelkayt, gentle and studious nobility (although I would hesitate to call him timid, another trait associated with Edelkayt). Boyarin explains that this scholarly, non-athletic model of man did not carry negative associations in the historical Jewish mindset, but was rather the height of attractiveness (Boyarin, 2, 51).

(4) Jews of color make up 20% of American Jews, according to statistics from Be’chol Lashon, and this number is projected to increase as American demographics continue to change: https://globaljews.org/about/mission/. 

(5) Tzedakah is commonly known as righteous charity. According to traditional authority Maimonides, it should be given anonymously and without embarrassment to the person in need, generous, and designed to help the recipient become self-sufficient.

(6) Rabbi Tarfon, Pirkei Avot, 2:16

(7) “A good and sweet year” and “a good inscription [in the Book of Life]”

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 302: As the Todoroki Turns

Previously on BnHA: 

Today on BnHA: We have a very fun chapter in which (1) Shouto grows up lonely on account of his parents being worried that his siblings will literally try to kill him, (2) Natsu and Fuyu grow up neglected on account of not being special and/or self-destructive enough to attract attention, (3) we get to revisit all of that exciting spousal abuse from chapter 39, and (4) Touya burns to death right on cue, pretty much exactly like we expected it to happen. Thankfully since this is a shounen manga, Horikoshi finds some hope in all this misery as the Todoroki family rallies together, with Shouto getting his long-overdue credit for being a perfect sweet angel who put up with all of this shit for sixteen years and somehow came out of it strong and kind and empathetic and determined. Anyway, so that flashback was a barrel of laughs. But now that it’s over, we can put all of that angst behind us, and move on to... well I guess, probably, more angst. Look, we’re short on variety at the moment. Bear with it.

ouch. we knew this was coming, but still

A+ parenting move there. “ho boy, our eldest just tried to murder our youngest, now what? hmm how about we isolate our youngest from all human contact”

though in their defense, we probably shouldn’t have expected this rabidly strength-obsessed fire man and his wife who was groomed since childhood to obey her family’s whims to have any idea of how to raise stable, well-adjusted offspring

SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS

this is a perfect example of Enji’s tragically self-revolving viewpoint right here. just because being a hero is your entire world doesn’t mean you can just excuse yourself from anything outside of that and act like it’s out of your control. “alas, all I care about is hero stuff and my son can’t be a hero, we are doomed to inhabit two different worlds” no you jackass, it’s called having more than one hobby?? figuring out how to spend some time with your son that doesn’t involve training?? the same exact thing you were telling him to do last week, while ignoring that you’ve never done that yourself in your life??

that said, yet again we have that complexity though because it’s obvious that Enji at least on some level is aware of his own flaws, even though he seems unwilling or unable to confront them. honestly, from what we’ve seen so far, Enji’s obsession with surpassing All Might might be more accurately called an addiction. he literally can’t let go of it even though he’s fully aware of how it’s slowly destroying his life. and so in the same way that a lifelong smoker or alcoholic might tell their child to stay away from cigarettes and booze, Enji tells Touya not to follow down the same path as him, even though he himself doesn’t know how to leave that path. so yes, it’s hypocritical as fuck, but there’s also an element of helplessness there as well because Enji literally doesn’t know how not to be like this

though all the same he sure could stand to put in more than just a token effort. but it is what it is, and we already know how much he’ll come to regret it

and meanwhile Baby Shouto has frozen his sleep bubble with his quirk lmao. so I guess his quirk did come in early. that’s a recipe for chaos right there

once again Shouto is ruining every single dramatic panel in this flashback

this was so dark and intense... and then I spotted the lil bubs in the corner. Horikoshi please control yourself

“some hero you are, running away” and then all of a sudden, “FIVE YEARS LATER” lol what. OKAY THEN

(ETA: love the confirmation that eight-year-old Natsu comes from the Iida school of puberty and is basically a fully grown man, and meanwhile Touya comes from the hobbit school of puberty and has been perpetually eight for the past five years.)

“HEY BIG BRO WANNA COME RECREATE AN ICONIC FLASHBACK SCENE WITH US. WE’VE GOT THE SOCCER BALL RIGHT HERE, BUT HURRY UP OR WE’LL BE TOO LATE FOR SHOUTO TO WALK ON BY AND STOP TO LOOK”

lol and that’s literally the next three panels. but Horikoshi did add this extra bit after Endeavor starts to drag Shouto away

seriously Enji what the hell did you expect was going to happen here. “Touya went nuts and tried to kill his little brother out of jealousy, so let’s make it clearer than ever that Shouto is the important child and all the other children are just rejects. this will definitely not make the problem 100x worse, and will surely lead to Touya giving up and living a happy life, having been emotionally abandoned by the person he admired more than anyone.” good for you pal you figured it all out. no need for that plan b, “we all just go to therapy”

anyway so he’s telling Shouto he can’t play because he needs more endurance training. and meanwhile Touya’s patented Todoroki Drama Genes are going through puberty as well

definitely the face of a happy, emotionally stable child who’s not still plotting to murder his younger brother in his sleep

“WELL ACTUALLY MAKESTE” lol I stand corrected??

apparently during the five year interim Touya actually stopped blaming Shouto and realized Enji was the one at fault. good for him! a bit inconsistent, given what we know happens later, but I assume we’ll get to that in good time

anyway. “yeah man I agree that dad sucks, but it’s the middle of the night and I’m only eight and you’ve been monologuing for the past two hours bro”

LMAO

the manga is making my jokes for me, only better. fine then

looks like someone’s still miffed about that disagreement he had with his baby sister back when she was like four

“Fuyu doesn’t get properly riled up like I want her to so ranting to her is annoying.” okay but having been in Fuyu’s shoes, it really is just a different way of coping, and I can guarantee she’s not as fine with the whole situation as Touya might think. but making your peace with something is often a decision that’s made for emotional self-preservation reasons. and I sure as hell don’t fault her for trying to shut out a situation that she had no control over, and trying to make the best of it, and scrape together as normal a childhood as she could manage

and now in Touya’s defense as well, that is of course easier said than done, and I’m sure if there was a “push this button and instantly get over all of the trauma in your life” switch readily available for Touya then he would have pushed it too. unfortunately it’s not always that simple

so now Rei is pleading with Touya not to go train up on his little emo hill again, but it doesn’t seem like much has changed since he was eight

I don’t think he gives two figs about being a hero; he just wants his father to look at him again with pride. fucking hell, stop doing this to me you damn Todorokis

guh, they keep telling him the same thing over and over again

even if we hadn’t already known he was gonna go melt his jawbone off soon, I wouldn’t have expected a line like that to go over well

yep. fuck

that Todoroki puberty angst, though. nothing else quite like it

“you have a part in this too, Mom” ooooooh man

okay but look, he’s not entirely wrong. like, I’m not saying any of this is Rei’s fault at all! she’s in an impossible situation where she’s afraid to stand up to Enji (who by this point has shown that he’s willing to physically attack her if things get too heated, which is terrifying), and doesn’t really have anywhere to turn for support. her parents aren’t helping much if at all, and Japan in general is just a terrible country to be in when you’re in a domestic abuse situation. everyone’s expected to put on a brave face and deal with their problems all on their own in private. Rei is basically completely isolated at this point, and she doesn’t know what else to do, and so she’s just trying to keep the situation as stable as possible for the kids

but on the other hand, “for the kids” is also where that argument starts to break down a bit, because at this point Shouto is also being physically abused by his father, and the other kids are continuing to be neglected (emotionally if not physically), as they have been for years. so the situation really isn’t stable at all for them. and as a kid, what you end up learning in that type of situation is that you can’t rely on either parent. not the abusive one, certainly, but also not the other one who can’t protect you from any of it. even if they love you and they’re trying, they’re just as helpless as you. Rei is struggling to deal with all of this with one hand tied behind her back, and I get it, and I’m not blaming her at all. but all the same, particularly given that she’s (understandably) putting almost all her focus on Shouto, the end result is that the other kids have basically been left to fend for themselves

so yeah! a shitty situation all around. and one of those cases where it’s not really anyone’s fault (aside from Enji’s), but I can understand the resentment Touya is feeling all the same. and I’m so glad Horikoshi is acknowledging this, because it’s something I probably would have been too uncomfortable to bring up otherwise. as it is it’s still an incredibly heavy subject, and one that I probably have too many personal feelings about

anyway, so once again the whole “we’ll try talking to him and then just shrug our shoulders when it doesn’t work” parenting strategy doesn’t really pan out for the Todoroki fam

sob this boy is Anakin Skywalkering before our very eyes. all that’s missing is AFO to come and start whispering in his ear. any minute now...

“anyway so then he got taller and his fire changed from red to blue”

guess we’re getting pretty close then huh. this is the part of the flashback that I really don’t want to see, but also unfortunately the part that I’m most curious about :/

oh for fuck’s --

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN IGNORING HIM FOR FIVE YEARS DIDN’T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM” sob. back to the drawing board I guess

I thought he got taller, why is he still only like a third of Enji’s height here

oh fuck me these are armor-piercing feels. this is the heavy artillery right here

ENJI I’M BEGGING YOU PLEASE STOP AND THINK FOR ONE MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE BEFORE DOING SOMETHING YOU’LL REGRET FOR THE REST OF ALL TIME. your child just told you that he still thinks beating All Might is the only thing you care about, and that he believes his existence is a mistake unless he finds some way of doing that for you. please stop for a moment to contemplate that and choose your next words with care and grace and oh who the hell am I kidding

-- OR WE COULD JUST BLAME REI

go on and blame everyone but yourself then!! that’s a great solution!! jesus christ man I know this is Endeavor at his literal worst but still this is fucking hard to watch

POOR BABY SHOUTO IS YELLING AT HIS DAD NOT TO HIT HIS MOMMY THIS LITTLE BRAVE BOY NEEDS SO MANY HUGS OH MY GOD

AND MEANWHILE THE OTHERS ARE HUDDLED IN THE NEXT ROOM TRYING NOT TO CRY AH FUCK

(ETA: Fuyu covering Natsu’s ears cuts RIGHT TO THE CORE OF ME. Horikoshi if you’re really not gonna get these kids some therapy then at least consider giving your readers some. what is this.)

you know it’s bad when you’re starting to think the part where the kid burns to death might actually be a less traumatic thing to cut to right now

holy shit, actual Rei thoughts

“I was the one who ultimately made that choice” well there we go, wonder if that’ll put that whole argument to bed at last. I doubt it, but you never know. actually who am I kidding it’s not gonna settle jack shit lol

oh thank god, they decided it was getting too intense and cut away back to the present to narrate this next (final?) part

get ready to cue up that Alicia Keys. THIS BOY IS ON FIREEEEEEE

yeah I think that’s one thing we can mostly all agree on. neither of them had any clue what the fuck they were doing pretty much at any point. though I will say that the hypocrisy of him being all “WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP HIM” followed by him IMMEDIATELY DOING THE EXACT SAME THING is a bit rich

(ETA: and he still has this problem, doesn’t he? he froze up when Ending snatched Natsuo, and again when Dabi was attacking Shouto. he’s so afraid of doing the wrong thing that he ends up not doing anything, which of course is exactly what led to Touya’s death. damn Enji I guess you’ve still got some additional character development to unlock.)

and of course neither of them could possibly have known how badly it was going to turn out. like, the consequences here were WAY disproportionate even for the shittiest of parenting. no one expects “I didn’t know how to talk to my son” to snowball into “my son burned to death and then somehow came back as a villain and murdered thirty people”

ohhhhhhhh fuck me

LITERALLY INCINERATED THE ENTIRE HILLSIDE. fuck. and I am so not ready for the scene of Enji finding the remains of his jawbone afterwards. at least we were spared anything super-graphic (for now at least)

I feel like the timeline here is off, btw?? wasn’t Touya’s death supposed to happen after Rei got hospitalized? this might be the first actual retcon of the entire flashback. although I think it makes more sense this way tbh

I do appreciate that ten years later Enji is finally reflecting on the fact that if he’d just given up his stupid obsession he could have stopped his family from crumbling apart. that probably sounds sarcastic as fuck, but it’s not. there are countless jerks out there who would have still managed to find a way to blame literally everyone and everything under the sun except for themselves. at least he finally figured out how to take responsibility, even if it came too late to stop his son from dying and being radicalized into a villain terrorist organization

and speaking of, it seems to me we’re missing a third and final part to this little tale of woe, and one which only Touya himself will be able to shed any light on. so we’ll see how that goes

oh man seeing the other kids blaming themselves even though none of it was their fault hits hard af. Rei wasn’t kidding when she said they’d been bearing that burden of guilt far longer than Enji

SHOUTO I SWEAR TO GOD IF THE NEXT PANEL IS YOU APOLOGIZING FOR BEING BORN, I WILL... WELL I’LL BE VERY SAD, I GUESS. SO DON’T DO IT

oh good he’s just being quiet. good. it absolutely is not your fault lil bean. it’s not theirs either, but feeling guilty about things that aren’t your fault is a time-honored shounen tradition

goddammit I braced myself for the angsty Shouto panel a page too early. gotta do it all over again now lol. okay here goes

;_;

well well well would you look at that

imagine that. talking things out with your child before they make a rash decision. looks like the Todorokis’ parenting skills are finally leveling up

OH MY GOD

holy shit. this is the most quintessential moment of father/son Todoroki bonding in the entire series. for me it even tops the “nice scar” scene lol. Enji sobbing at the fact that he still has a chance to set things right. and Shouto offering his hand in what is actually the most mature and selfless gesture I’ve ever seen, and being all “we’ll stop him together” to his dad who he hates, but also doesn’t really entirely hate anymore. and all of that is incredibly moving... BUT ALSO HE STILL REFUSES TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH HIM AND HE WOULD LIKE HIM TO STOP BEING SO FUCKING DRAMATIC ALREADY IF YOU DON’T MIND. “WHEN YOU’RE DONE CRYING...” fkjldsk

OH MY FUCKING LORD

(ETA: wouldn’t be a Todoroki drama fest if there wasn’t somebody listening in on the whole thing in secret just around the corner lmao.)

“you think we should have waited somewhere else?” “yeah, probably.” “are you feeling a lot of secondhand embarrassment too?” “god, you have no idea.” STFU HAWKS IT’S NOT EMBARASSING TO BE MOVED TO TEARS BY YOUR FAMILY ALL COMING TOGETHER IN YOUR DARKEST HOUR TO GIVE YOU HOPE THAT YOU PROBABLY DON’T DESERVE BUT ARE NONETHELESS INDESCRIBABLY GRATEFUL FOR

and anyway you chose these guys as your found family, bucko. too late to back out now. next time go get yourself adopted by the Iidas then

AND MEANWHILE NO WORD ON THE WHOLE “HOW DID A THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD SURVIVE A FIRE THAT COVERED HIS BODY WITH HORRIFIC SCARS AND MELTED HIS JAW OFF, AND HOW DID HE SOMEHOW THEN MANAGE TO GO INTO HIDING FOR TEN WHOLE YEARS, AND WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT INTERIM TO CHANGE HIS GOAL FROM ‘SURPASS ALL MIGHT TO IMPRESS MY DAD’ TO ‘KILL ALL HEROES TO MAKE MY DAD SUFFER’.” as if we don’t know the answer to that. but still, would it kill Horikoshi to just confirm AFO’s involvement in all of this already. at this point it’s basically just a formality

so here’s hoping next week we’ll either get that, or more Hawks action, or (DARE I EVEN SUGGEST, I’M AFRAID TO JINX IT) finally cut back to Bakugou and Deku and All Might omg. either way I’m hyped