#why do I do the most detailed drawings on the worst quality paper

[not-that-debonair]

their dynamic is everything

[click for better quality]

[tejjyinc]

Tips for Improving As Built Drawings

While as-builts occasionally fall short, there are things you can do to prevent that from happening with your project. Check out the tips to enhance your as built drawings. 

Setting Up for Success at Preconstruction - Avoid making the same error that daily thousands of novice home builders do. One of the worst mistakes you can make is to put off thinking about your as built plan until the very end of the project. Why? This is because every modification made requires you to dig down data and information, which takes a lot of time and work. Instead, prepare the project for as-built success before the beginning of construction. Establish a central location where all information about adjustments made during construction may be found. So, it better to use software for generating a simple digital drawing of the blueprints and update it each time a change is made. 

 Establish As-Builts as Standard Operating Procedure - As-builts shouldn't be ignored, but they also shouldn't be viewed as an additional or an afterthought. They have to be an integral element of your business's procedures at all times. Your team will hone your as-built drawing techniques with practice. 

Use Comprehensive Project Data: As-built drawings are not the place for guesswork or estimation. These drawings must be extremely precise and minutely detailed. If so, creating yet another erroneous drawing of your idea is merely a waste of time. But where do you find such accurate and thorough project data? Use the proper equipment. Laser scanning equipment, for instance, can swiftly collect precise measurements to take into account any changes between the blueprints and the finished product. 

Secure cloud storage for key data points: What if you lost all of that data as a result of a system flaw, a user error, or a compatibility issue? A single error might cost you hundreds of dollars. 

Incorporate High-Quality Photos – You may be familiar with the proverb “a picture is worth a thousand words,” but do you realize how many data points an image may add to an as-built drawing? Here is a tip: It's far in excess of a thousand. Wherever possible and applicable, attach pictures to highlight changes reflected in the as-built drawings. If you lose data or need to rework your as-builts, these pictures can help users understand flat data and can also save you time, money, and frustration. 

Aim for fluidity In-Building - Building drawings were once thought regarded as relatively definitive in the days of ink and paper. But even back then, the most progressive home builders knew that as-builts were only useful up until the next alteration was made to the structure. The as-builts were outdated the moment the first nail was driven to begin a restoration. True, structures alter regularly. Owners receive suggestions for enhancements and put them into practice; they might even make minor adjustments themselves. “Why should I be worried with as built drawings if they get out of date so quickly?” you may be asking. That's understandable, but there is a straightforward response. Your as-built drawings ought to be dynamic records. They must, therefore, be adaptable and able to alter throughout time. That probably indicates that your as-builts will need to be digital in the modern world. For instance, a set of as-built drawings prepared with house design software that can be promptly updated each time a change is made to the building and kept in the cloud. 

Think about Presentation: Your as-builts serve as a window into your business. If they appear worn-out, so do you. Therefore, you must ensure that your as-builts appear fantastic. They ought to be appealing, well-designed, and not overstuffed with text, notes, or sloppy handwriting. 

As-built drawings are an essential component of professional services provided by architects, builders, and designers. These records demonstrate that the work was done correctly, stop disagreements, save time, and guard against problems during further upgrades or upkeep. They are therefore necessary, and your clients will anticipate them. However, you are not required to spend days completing an as-built drawing for your most recent assignment. And to accomplish it digitally, you don't need to understand CAD. Instead, you can use BIM, which is user-friendly and full of features and enables you to produce detailed drawings in a matter of hours rather than days. This allows you to complete tasks more quickly and saves time. That is just what your profit margin requires. To get the best as built drawings, contact Tejjy Inc BIM as built company in USA at 202-465-4830 or info@tejjy.com. 

[ghostofstudentspast]

Obligatory (series)

Draco Malfoy x Pureblood!Reader

Here’s a little teaser for a series I’m working on! Let me know if you’re interested in it and/or want me to add you to it’s tag list 💕

Love, June 🍀

“Mama I don’t wanna go,” you whined as your mother brushed your hair softly and pulled it back into two little braids.

“Darling you can’t do this every time, you know your father hates it when you complain.” She tied two green ribbons at the end of your braids.

“I don’t understand why I can’t just go play with Daphne instead!” you crossed your little arms and huffed.

You were born to one of the most powerful pureblood families in the wizarding world. Destined to perform great magic, or so your father always said. You were being raised as the perfect little lady. Don’t speak up unless spoken to, never slouch, elbows off the table, no running in the gardens, no sticking out your tongue at the cat.

But the worst part of all was the Malfoys. Your parents were always quick to form connections with other powerful families but they were intent on you spending quality time with the little Malfoy heir. Your families would throw private dinner parties where you could practice your table manners. Elbows off the table, napkin on your lap, never stuff your face.

Then your respective fathers would retreat to the drawing room, where they’d share whiskey and cigars. Your mothers would chaperone a sort of play date. Except you didn’t like Draco and Draco didn’t like you. You’d sit awkwardly, reading or drawing while he’d play with his mini broom or pester the house elves. The more your parents forced you together, the more you were annoyed by each other.

Your fourth year of Hogwarts really set things off though. You’d been noticing boys for years but now boys finally started to notice you. This included Draco, who suddenly started showing off a lot more around you. Hexing Hufflepuffs, verbally sparring with the Potter kid and boasting about his achievements. In private, he’d challenge you to games of wizard chess and never let you live down your losses, whereas when he lost he threw a fit.

You were in a constant race with him over grades. Never quite being good enough to beat out Granger, you had to fight over second and third, each seeking approval from their parents.

This was how you spent every summer, trying to earn your fathers approval by sitting through dinners. You’d play polite with Malfoy if that meant praise from your own family. That is, until you found the contract papers detailing your future engagement. Papers stating that once you and Draco were of age, you would be engaged. Security of a pureblood lineage and fortune. Your betrothal sealed with wax.

Now, you just had to figure out how to get out of it.

[chibi-mushroom]

Just as a heads up, I wanted to add a disclaimer. This story is not necessarily canon to my AU's canon. I'm a long way off from these two getting to interact and I still have some things to think through. I also need to decide if Namine's backstory is going to stay the same or if I'm changing it slightly. So please bear with me and enjoy!

It was a warmer morning in Skyhold and for once there hadn't been a lot of snow. Riku and Ava were checking the Inquisition's mail when he heard the smaller girl chuckling a little to herself. He didn't know that he liked the smirk that filled her face.

"Did you get a love letter or something?" Riku inquired.

"Not at all. In fact, I think Namine's going to have quite the headache when she sees it."

"What is it?"

"Oh just another letter from Lord Odin in Kirkwall."

Riku rolled his eyes. Usually Namine handled all of the correspondence between the Inquisition and the noble class. After all, she had a knack for working with nobles, despite coming from a poor Antivan trading family herself. Still, this was the third letter this month from the man. Lea never liked to talk about Kirkwall even though he was a viscount there. Surely Namine would have told him if Odin had been reporting trouble, wouldn't she?

"He's been writing a lot recently. Is everything ok in Kirkwall?"

"As terrible as it's always been." Ava shook her head. "Listen, I have a job for you to do today."

"A job? But I promised Sora and Ephemer we'd-"

Suddenly Riku felt a very sharp point at his neck. He knew without looking that Ava had unleashed one of her daggers with the fancy waves on the hilt. She was good with a bow, but he had personally seen her be absolutely deadly with her daggers. The smirk that had been on her face once was now gone, but she still looked amused. He wondered what she looked like under that fox mask, and whether her eyes shone with good or ill intent.

"Ask Strelitzia to take you to the greenhouse and pick Namine a nice big bouquet of flowers." She instructed.

"You want me to…?"

The dagger pushed a little deeper into his throat. She hadn't broken skin yet, but the blade was really the only thing he could pay attention to.

"Pick the girl some flowers. I'm sure she would be grateful for them."

The bard removed her dagger and beamed at him. She was dangerous alright. He was relieved she was on their side, although there were days he had questioned even that. As she sauntered away with the letter from Lord Ordin, Riku rubbed the spot where the dagger had been just moments before. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see none other than Sora himself.

"So, I guess we gotta take a rain check, huh little boss?"

"I told you to stop calling me that." Riku brushed the Qun's** hand off. "It's Riku."

"Force of habit. No more difficult to stop than Lea and his nicknames."

"I guess. So, what's going on with the ambassador? Ava certainly seems quite amused."

"Namine's got a letter from Lord Odin in Kirkwall. Again. So I'm supposed to go get flowers for her for some reason." Riku sighed. "You have a good idea about how women work; what's all this about?"

"Dunno, I'm not in on the war table conversations." Sora shook his head. "Hey, I've got an idea. I'll go visit Namine and see what's up. That way you can stop being shy and tell her how you feel."

Riku sputtered, trying to argue about the way he felt. They had gotten close, but it was out of a need, not a want, right? The sky was tearing apart and they still needed to find out about so many loose ends that hadn't been resolved yet. Besides, he had no idea how Namine even felt about him. It would make meetings at the war table much more awkward if he couldn't even look at the ambassador.

"I'll take your inability to speak as a yes then. Don't worry buddy, old Sora will figure out exactly what's going on with the woman of your dreams." Sora clapped him on the back.

Sora left behind a still sputtering Riku as he hurried over to the ambassador's door. Ava had just left and Sora took a moment to listen in at the door. He didn't know Namine as well as he probably should have; she was usually working on something at her desk while he was out with his chargers**. She seemed super sweet though, and harmless enough.

He did have to admit that his horns made it hard to actually get his ear to the door, but he managed to hear the faint sound of vellum being shredded while Namine muttered something. There was a movement. She must have been tossing the vellum into the trash. More steps- walking back no doubt. The room was silent now as far as he could tell, although knowing Namine, she was likely writing out some forced and overly polite response. It was how all nobles tended to write. He waited a moment and then knocked on the door.

"Come in." She replied.

"Hope I didn't catch you at a bad time or anything." Sora entered.

"No, just writing a response to a noble in Kirkwall. After that I have a few personal responses to send out. One of which is to my parents. They've been mailing me nonstop since your chargers swooped in and kidnapped my sister on her wedding day."

With a chuckle to himself, Sora crossed his arms over his chest. He recalled how Noctis had asked him for help to rescue his beloved Lunafreya from having to marry a man from some wealthy Antivan family. The chargers had been a little less….formal than they could have, running in while the ceremony was going. But the look of relief that crossed over the bride's face when she saw Noctis made it all worth it. They had even gotten a chantry** brother to marry them in a small but intimate ceremony a few days later.

"That's right; it was a lot of fun. Hard to believe it was only a couple of months ago." Sora smirked.

"No Sora, it wasn't fun. Swooping is bad."** Namine sighed. "It's been a headache just trying to reassure both sides that the other will come around eventually."

She paused.

"Although I'm happy for her. She smiles so much now, and I know that's because of Noctis and the other chargers."

"That's what we do. Brighten the world one smile at a time."

Namine held her tongue. Luna got off easy. Although her parents were fuming, her potential groom found someone to replace Luna rather quickly. The marriage was supposed to help the Montilyet family work their way back into being able to trade in Orlais again. If it hadn't been for that rival family… She breathed out a sigh. There was no way to turn back time. She just hoped when it came time for her own nuptials that she could avoid the worst.

Sora leaned in satisfaction on the table where she worked. Most of the tables here were quite sturdy- none as steady as the table closest to the commander's quarters, of course. But then, that table was hardly ever used for writing these days, it seemed. At least once he had heard some sort of magic being made between the templar commander and their apothecary- but he was just getting off on a tangent. Namine had eyed him as if to ask what he was there for.

"Why don't you give this Odin guy what he wants?" Sora asked, hoping to draw out what was in the letter and change the subject.

"Give him- Sora, this is politics. You can't just give people what they want at face value. There are usually strings attached. Things go wrong when you simply ask for what you want."

"Someone smuggling some ancient book out of Kirkwall again?"**

Namine tilted her head, unsure if she were supposed to understand what he was referring to. He waved off her confusion, looking over her desk. There, sitting on the top of a pile of papers was a letter written in very fine ink. There was a green wax seal on the envelope that held a picture of a lotus. The ink itself was also of a high quality. The letters didn't have an occasional blot from the way it came out of the pen. Someone had spent a lot of money on the supplies for this letter.

"Nevermind." Sora shook his head. "So, this one of your responses?"

One glance at the pile of papers told her exactly what he was referring to. She raced to cover them up, a slight blush on her face from embarrassment. He didn't need to know details of the Montilyet household. He had already learned of her parent's reaction to the scandal that was Luna's wedding. Seeing how everything happened there would likely cause extra precautions when it came her turn for matrimony. She was a caged bird with no hope of escape.

"Hey, sorry, I swear I was just trying to lighten the mood. I know you're frustrated about that Lord in Kirkwall." Sora softened his voice when he saw the way her face fell.

"If you must know, his name is Naveen. He lives in Tevinter and he's the son of a very prominent magister." Namine spoke just above a whisper.

"Is he helping the Inquisition?" Sora looked at her with a cocked eyebrow.

"Not….exactly." Namine responded.

She gripped the letter harder and her hands began to shake while she bit on her lower lip. It was just like her to ruin everything. Sora could likely understand everything now. It wasn't her place to tell about Naveen, and yet there they were. The Qun likely hadn't meant to see the letter, Namine hoped. Sora didn't seem to be the kind to snoop. Still, she hadn't told anyone about this yet and needed a chance to vent a little. The letters were coming more often and Naveen had been speaking more frankly of his heart in them. Whether that was sincere or flattery she had no idea. Namine quickly moved to the entrance. Before closing the solid door, she checked the hallway to see if anyone was coming.

"Hey, I didn't mean anything by it. Sorry, Namine." Sora pouted.

"No, please, it might be better this way." she wrung her hands together. "But anything we say can't leave this room."

"What's going on, Namine?"

"Promise me you won't laugh."

"On my honor as a Qunari"

Namine took a deep breath before sitting down and replacing the now crinkled up letter from Naveen. She wasn't looking at him, but instead at the hands she had neatly folded in her lap. Without realizing it, she was biting her lips again. Slowly, she looked up at Sora who was waiting patiently to hear what it was that she needed to get out of her system. Even if he couldn't tell Riku about the letter, he could at least assure his friend that Namine would be alright.

"Had you ever heard of the Montilyet family before you met me?"

"Well, not really, but I was also pretty busy doing jobs all over for the longest time." Sora shrugged. "Why?"

"Well, a long time ago, our family owned hundreds of naval ships. We protected merchants leaving and coming into Antivan waters. After a scandal, we lost nearly everything and had to settle being small scale Ferelden merchants. We get by, but I can tell my parents miss it." Namine explained. "Then when I was younger, I made some choices I'd rather not talk about before being invited to come join the inquisition."

"But…"

"But in all of this commotion trying to set my family up, I guess...I sort of lost who I am….and what I care for. Now there are important decisions to be made and I'm just expected to sit still and look pretty."

Sora nodded, understanding what it was she was trying to say. She continued on about how she had met Ava when she was younger and learned about the ways of the bard from her. Although Namine was slim on the details, she did mention how much of that training now helped her avoid having to pick up a weapon again. Still, all of that had come to naught, as she still had no leads as to where to find the contracts that would help regain their trade ability. There was a wistfulness that came from her voice; it wasn't about the trade at all, even though she hadn't said it straight out.

"I may not know what path will be best for you, but I do know this: you just keep on trying and you'll reach your goal."

"Do you really think so?" Namine asked.

"Of course!" Sora stood, placing a foot on the seat of his chair. "For the Inquisition!"

She looked at him with confusion. What on earth was he doing? Sora looked down at her in the hopes he could rally her to join him. When he looked down and saw that she didn't understand what he was doing, he held his hand out for her to pull him onto the chair next to him.

"For the Montilyets!"

He placed one foot from the chair to her table. She followed his lead and scrambled onto the table afterward. With more confidence, she repeated her own family name. There was something about Sora and his rallying cry that made her want to believe that she could restore the trade abilities before she would have to face her future.

"For Namine!" Sora raised a fist into the air.

She raised a fist as well, although she kept silent this time. A small smile played on her lips. Maybe there was hope after all. Odin would give up trying to marry off one of his daughters to Riku, and Namine would find a way for her family to trade again. There was hope, there was work to be done-

There were still papers covering her desk.

Subconsciously she had stepped back to get down from where she was standing. It was sort of silly how they were standing on the table, no matter how old and sturdy it might be. Besides, Sora never seemed to wear shirts, even into battle. Instead, he opted for the Qunari vitaar, which was a poison that was fatal if it touched anyone who hadn't been born into the Qun. He wasn't wearing any now, but Namine became aware of just how close they had been standing by the strong smell of the soap he applied to get it off afterward. He didn't want to risk Kairi touching it by accident.

It was the strangest thing. Somehow she felt like she had begun falling in slow motion. As she stepped back there had been a knock at the door. Something registered in her mind that someone had entered the room, and something dropped to the floor. She gave a yelp and closed her eyes, expecting to hit the floor.

But she never did.

Instead, the scent of firewood and smoke crossed her senses and she could feel a strong pair of arms around her, holding her up. She hadn't even fallen very far. When she opened her eyes, she saw the Inquisitor. Her cheeks went crimson and she looked back to Sora who was smirking like a cat.

"Did...I interrupt something?" Riku asked.

"No, not at all." Sora hopped off the table. He picked up the bouquet and turned around before taking a step out the door. "Saving these for anyone?"

"Actually, those are for Namine." Riku responded.

"Aww, what a kindly gesture. You'll have to let her go at some point if you want to give them to her. Unless you *wanted* to hold her this long. Here, I'll leave them here for you both to enjoy." Sora put them down and then headed down the hall a short distance so he could still hear what was happening.

Riku nearly dropped Namine upon hearing that, but after catching her again, he carefully let her down. She wasn't quite ready to stand on her own, so she placed a hand on his arm to steady herself.

So that was the result of so much violence. She thought, which caused her to only glow more red.

"H-here. Ava suggested I bring these over for you. They're from the greenhouse." Riku handed her the bouquet.

"Thank you. I-I'll have to send her my thanks as well."

There was silence for a moment.

"Is everything okay? Ava said you might get aggravated by that letter from Kirkwall." Riku inquired.

"Yeah, it was just another noble. With you being the leader of one of the most influential groups in Thedas**, it only makes sense that everyone wants you to marry their children, but I figured you'd want to focus on the rift for now."

He stared blankly at her as if he didn't quite understand what she had said. Namine looked away and bit her lip again. Maybe she should have just said something to him when she got the first letter. She had learned a lot from her past, but nothing like this was covered in her training. She wasn't sure if she even *should* be feeling anything in this particular moment.

"Namine I-"

Riku was interrupted when Kairi ran into the room, Sora attempting to stop her.

"I heard a scream. Is everything ok in here?"

"It's fine! Nothing going on!" Riku blushed.

"I was just trying to reach something and Riku caught my fall!"

Both spoke at the same time in a rushed voice that Kairi knew as being a lie, but with the way they were blushing and how Sora had been trying to stop her, she automatically understood what was going on to some extent. When she smirked the same way Sora had only a short time ago, the Inquisitor and the ambassador looked to realize that she hadn't let go of his arm since he put her down. Quickly they slid apart, blush laying heavily on their cheeks.

"Sure, sure." Kairi chuckled, now dragging Sora out of the room.

When they had closed the door behind them and walked a short way away, Kairi slipped her hand into Sora's.

"Let's sweeten the pot on our bet, shall we? An extra fifty gold goes to the winner if they get together before the empress's ball at the Winter Palace."

"My dear," Sora smiled as he squeezed her hand "I think you have a deal."

Okay, notes time!

So if you saw my picture for Sokai week, you'll have an idea of what Sora is supposed to look like. For those who haven't played Dragon Age, the Qun or Qunari is both a type of people who are born with horns on their heads (with a few very rare exceptions) and the religious lifestyle they lead. They're super interesting and I love learning about them.

Sora's chargers are his best friends/band of fighters. In this particular au it consists of Mulan, Noctis and the Chocobros.

The Chantry is the major church of the world, and it kind of controls the templars who keep the mages from letting demons possess them. Long story short, a lot of people have lost confidence in the Chantry in telling them the truth and doing the right thing.

For those of you who have played Dragon Age Origins, the 'swooping is bad' line should be very familiar to you. I laugh so hard at it with every playthrough that I was practically contractually obligated to include it.

Can't say too much about the book getting smuggled out of Kirkwall, as that goes into spoiler territory. But just know that the Qun tried asking for their book back and someone ended up dead. (in canon. Not sure what I'll be doing in the au yet, haha)

Thedas is the name for the world in Dragon Age.

[margridarnauds]

Your "Grace O'Malley" tag is extremely gratifying--it's so nice to see actual scholarship. So with that in mind: Have you read Morgan Llwelyn's novel, and if so, what do you have to say on it?

Hi! Thank you so much! I’m glad you like it; it can feel a little bit like I’m shouting into the wind, given that Gráinne is one of my more niche focuses. I still kind of want to do something that actually looks at the EVIDENCE, but I digress.

Morgan Llewelyn….I have mixed feelings about. I last really looked into this book when I was toying with doing my undergrad Capstone Thesis on Donal O’Flaherty, about….4 years ago, now. Time really does fly. So, I forced myself into a refresher, just to remind myself what I missed. 

[warning for references to rape, incest, and some of the most Cursed™ lines I’ve ever been forced to read in my life, and that’s including the zombie blowjob scene.]

Final Verdict: 2.5/5 - DEFINITELY not the worst retelling of Gráinne’s life (I’ve seen....Things), but also not the best, either, and with some very, very glaring flaws that make it impossible for me to really enjoy. 

My main take away from it is that…as far as its depiction of Gráinne, it did about as well as its source material. I can tell, looking at it and reading it, that she really looked hard at Anne Chambers’ book. Which is unfortunate because, as I’ve made……………relatively clear over the years, I think that it’s very, deeply flawed. And, unfortunately, Llewlyn stuck rather close to the book, leaving in things like Donal’s “murder" of Walter Fada Burke (if the patronymic don’t fit, you’ve got to acquit), Sexist™ Incompetent™ Donal™, and…..Hugh de Lacy, which, in my personal opinion, owe more to Chambers lack of critical reading of her own sources than they do to the historical record. ESPECIALLY Hugh de Lacy because…the name. Very odd that one of the major Anglo-Norman officials should share a name with Gráinne Ní Mháille’s boytoy. Very odd. Especially given that the pattern of “Love interest of Gráinne’s killed off/Gráinne seeks revenge” is VERY similar to what we hear of the Defense of Hen’s Castle. Almost as if they come from the same story.

This also leads us to the scene where Donal tries to rape Gráinne in her sleep which, honestly, I loathe with every fibre of my being. Nope, nope. Hate it. Hate. It. Oh, God, I forgot about the references to Donal!Incest. Why is this a mini-genre of Gráinne Ní Mháille historical fiction. Why. I can think of at least…..2-3 books that do this. Why God. Why. 

Lest anyone think that this is the Donal fangirl in me jumping out, in general, I feel like Llewelyn’s treatment of most of the characters is ultimately paper-thin. Richard Burke is also given this treatment and, while I wouldn’t REALLY expect a sympathetic Richard Bingham (nor would I particularly want one - I’ve spent a lot of quality time reading his complaints and cackling), even HE’S done a disservice. 

On a technical level, I don’t REALLY like how she handles the timeline, it jumps around a little too much for my taste. We’re treated to constant flashbacks with little warning, including ones that could have been just as easily folded into the timeline proper. And, while Llewelyn has a rich, descriptive style, she also writes an, honestly, impressive number of lines that will haunt me for all the wrong reasons. I’ve detailed a lot of them under the readmore, but some highlights: 

She had gazed in wonder at the child—his perfect ears and fingers, the miniature penis that would eventually become a mighty rod for transmitting further life.” This is, I’m sure, what every mother thinks when she sees her newborn son’s penis for the first time. Why. Why God. Why. Why. Why.

Okay, another candidate for Cursed Lines: "Richard noted the high color in her cheeks, and saw how her nipples stood out strongly under the soft fabric of her gown.” If this were a male author, I would be-Nah, it’s still bad. It’s just bad writing, I’m sorry. In general, I found that she massively sexed up Gráinne’s life, for no real reason that I can tell except for that it felt almost like she felt like it was necessary to prove that Gráinne was a Real Woman™? There’s a very....odd way that her sex life is treated, and it grates on me. We have to deal with Donal, Richard, Huw(uwu), Philip Sydney, and Tigernan, all in the course of one book and, honestly, I don’t really CARE about Gráinne’s sexcapades, and they’re generally written with so little development or feeling, even and especially in the case of her GREAT LOVE HUW, that I found myself actively groaning. My take on Gráinne, at least the Gráinne that I know in the sources, is almost asexual. I don’t deny that she had sex. She obviously did. (FOUR CHILDREN.) And I think that she might very well have enjoyed it. (Not that there’s enough evidence to KNOW.) But I also think that she was a profoundly pragmatic woman who didn’t fixate on it that much. Again, I could be wrong! When we have as little as we have to go on as we do with her, it’s impossible to know! But I just do not see her as jumping into bed with guys that often, especially not in cases where there was no clear benefit. There’s this...trend, where Gráinne HAS to have a love interest, in every major adaptation of her life, because it’s almost like people are afraid to have her without the anchor of sex and romance. (For what it’s worth - I do think, simply because of the amount of time that they spent together + the fact that they did have at least three children with one another, that Donal was probably her favorite of her two spouses. I don’t KNOW this, because I can’t. The evidence isn’t there. I don’t know whether they loved one another, whether it was a great romance, whether the sex was good, or even if it was just a mild affection, but I do lean towards him, even if I can’t say that he was the Great Love of Her Life™. I think they complimented one another’s lifestyles quite nicely, and that’s all that I can really give.) 

Llewelyn also has a very, very obvious bias against Catholicism that ultimately makes me wonder whether she ever meant to engage with 16th century Ireland on its own terms. As an atheist in Celtic Studies....look, I can GET having many, many mixed feelings about Catholicism, but it WAS the religion of the land at the time. If you want to have ANY understanding of the people and what was going through their minds, you have to try to engage with them on their own terms. I’m not in any hurry to convert to Catholicism, but I do try to consider life through the eyes of medieval and early modern Catholics when I’m analyzing sources made in that time. And trying to separate it off from the Good Pagan Times, to the point of creating a 16th century druid woman to voice your opinions on free love/organized religion/etc. is just going to get you into disaster. (Though Evleen did give us one female character who is a friend to Gráinne, so...victory?) Bonus, by the way, for the Evil Priest who schemes against Gráinne and is fucking boys on the side. (It seems like they’re of age, at least?) We’re told that he has reasons for what he does, but it comes as a bit of a last minute attempt at creating the illusion of a three dimensional character. I feel like Llewelyn, ultimately, should have stuck to Pre-Patristic times. I shudder at what she would do with, say, the Mythological Cycle, I don’t particularly want her touching my baby (if she touched Bres in particular, I would probably cry) because, at this point, I don’t trust her with ANY medieval materials (mainly because they’ve all been CONTAMINATED by CATHOLIC HANDS, oh NO), but I feel like it’s where her heart truly is. 

IF she’d stuck with pre-Patristic sources, we wouldn’t have to deal with 16th century characters thinking things like: " He would go in the style of his warrior ancestors, fearless in the face of death; the ancient, pagan Gaels had known death was only a brief incident in the ongoing flow of life, a transitory happening of little importance.” Admittedly, Llewelyn herself SEEMS to realize this, as she has him cross himself afterwards, but I really, really don’t think it would be the sort of thing to cross a man’s mind in the Early Modern Period. There was very little evidence for reincarnation that was that explicit (One of the papers that I did was on the existence of reincarnation in Pre-Christian Ireland, so I actually CAN speak on this one with some degree of confidence - My ultimate findings were that it probably did exist in some form, but the evidence makes it hard at times to draw definite conclusions), and I’m not sold that they would…understand it as reincarnation, as SUCH. We can look at what, say, Julius Caesar wrote about the druids’ beliefs and apply them to medieval Irish texts, but a man living in 16th century Ireland wouldn’t necessarily have the same luxury, especially since relatively few figures are given reincarnation narratives. It’s like…she’s applying the Mythological Cycle, but she momentarily forgets that these characters wouldn’t have VIEWED the Mythological Cycle like we would have, and it’s rather jarring. No one else might pick up on that, because this is my field. This is the ONE THING I can be pedantic on.

Now! There are some things I actually do like! Outside of Chambers’ questionable grasp of historical interpretation and the resulting taint, I can tell that Llewlyn did have a solid grasp of the FEEL of Early Modern Ireland. As I noted above, she’s a very fine author, the kind I honestly ENVY as a historical fiction writer, the type that is so confident and descriptive that, even when she’s wrong, which is often, I find myself reaching for the sources just to make sure. Her descriptions are vivid and visceral, pulling me immediately into the FEEL of Ireland in the 16th century, a way of life on the verge of collapse. 

When she isn’t being descriptive in all the wrong ways as detailed above. I do feel, for whatever it’s worth, that as someone with the background in this material that I have, I was kind of doomed from the get-go. I THINK that for someone who isn’t a Celticist (in training), it would be much, much more enjoyable, BECAUSE she is so confident in her style and her way of evoking the mood that it wouldn’t really stick out. I happen to be both blessed and cursed in that regard. 

 It’s clear, as well, that she has a grasp on the literature of the time - References to the things like the first Gaels coming from Spain make my heart SING with joy because it’s a very clear allusion to Lebor Gabála Érenn and the Mythological Cycle, which is my specialty, and there are plenty of times that I can tell you EXACTLY what sources she had to hand while she was typing on a section. It’s just a pity to me that she seems to try so hard to toss it all away in order to bifurcate Early Modern Irish society into Pagan VS Catholic, since she fundamentally did betray her own sources there. And, unfortunately, the way she tends to show her research is about as subtle as a blunt nail, in a very “As you know” manner: See:  “I have heard the brehons chanting the laws governing fosterage, describing every article of clothing that must be furnished a child and every detail of the training the child is to be given.” Like, yes, the law texts record this, but I can’t really see someone from the 16th century SAYING it that bluntly, you know? Also, I’m not really sold that they would be chanting it out loud as a ritual thing, rather that a lot of the law tracts are in a simple Question/Answer format because it would have, presumably, made it simpler for the Brehons THEMSELVES to remember that way.

I do like that Llewlyn’s Gráinne…she’s attractive, yes, but she’s not conventionally attractive, and she’s explicitly said to be big and tall as a man. I feel like a lot of pop cultural depictions of Gráinne want to make her dainty and beautiful, despite living in an incredibly harsh, stressful environment. I think that her outfit’s a little too much “Modern pirate”-y for my taste, but I’ll allow it because, tbh, it looks really, really badass and, whatever clothing Gráinne would have worn, we probably wouldn’t have really recognized it as “Pirate-like”, since our vision of pirates in the modern day is mainly an early 18th century one. I do appreciate that Gráinne has that hard, pragmatic edge that I respect in the Gráinne that we read about in the State Papers and in Bingham’s recollections - a very matter of fact, no nonsense woman who would do whatever it took to survive. Though I do think that she probably didn’t really spend that much time thinking about Elizabeth. It seems slightly unrealistic to me that, knowing how pragmatic Gráinne was, that she would really, really concern herself that much with Elizabeth, especially when she would have had powerful women like Iníon Dubh closer to home. There are some really nice, poignant moments as well that the hard edge masks, like the moment where she asks after a piece of hair that sent on to her son Owen. When Gráinne is in her natural element, having fun on the open sea, taking vengeance, and getting to be angry and proud and fierce, as well as the moments where she shows a softer side....those are the moments that make it for me. But then we’re back to the sex and romance, to the point where the book is literally divided by which man she’s screwing at the time. 

Also, despite wanting to LOATHE Tigernan, as an OC love interest of Gráinne’s, I did find myself warming to him, as he has a nice, laid-back dynamic with Gráinne built on trust and filled with plenty of banter. Next to her, he is probably the single best developed character in the book, though, unfortunately, he does get it through a ton of space devoted to his thoughts, his pining for Gráinne, and his intense jealousy for the many times she chooses someone else over him (mainly because he never tells her he loves her and then he feels like she owes him for what he does for her - yes, there are some Nice Guy tendencies here, but, honestly, after about the second or third time this happened, I was very pro-Tigernan running away and finding a better gig for himself.) No, besides being Catholic and lower class, we don’t really have that MUCH on him outside of being Gráinne’s first mate, but, honestly....that’s still more characterization than the others get, and, at least as of Chapter 24, he hasn’t done anything TOO atrocious. 

My PETTIEST of bitching/impromptu liveblog beneath the cut: 

A VERY pedantic thing: Llewelyn says, multiple times, that the English would anglicize her name “Grace”. In reality, no one in Early Modern England did that, it came much, much later. In all the Letters of State, she’s referred to as “Grany” or a variation of that name - An English attempt at “Gráinne.” That’s also why you’ll notice that I tend to refer to her as Gráinne here - It was the name she was known by in her own time, it was the name her contemporaries called her, and so it’s the name I call her.

"He wore a full and drooping mustache in the old Gaelic style, though otherwise he was cleanshaven.” Again. MINOR nitpicking. The Gauls were the ones who, traditionally, we associate with the droopy mustaches. In the sagas, beards are given a TON of prominence, to the point of being the marker of being a man. So. Odd choice on Tigernan’s part there. I know that Llewelyn didn’t intend to write him as a 16th century Irish coxcomb, but…well.

"He realized he had made a bad mistake in referring to her peculiar relationship with her husband. He had been in the castle at Bunowen himself; he had seen with his own eyes that Grania’s belongings were taken to one bedchamber, and Donal O Flaherty’s were put in another. Many might speculate in private about the arrangement, but only a fool would have mentioned it to her face.” As I’ve mentioned before, I really, really don’t think this relationship was as loveless as it’s generally portrayed as. I don’t know whether they were PASSIONATELY in love (and unlike a certain biographer, I won’t try to fill in what I don’t know with what I WANT her to have had), maybe they simply got on, but they did have three LIVING children. And I underline “living” because there were likely more. “Likely more” means that they probably did regularly share a bed, at least as much so as their respective schedules allowed.

“Aye, and didn’t she put her children out to fostering before they could stand? A woman’s not usually that anxious to get away from her children that she takes to the sea to avoid them.” Given that fosterage could begin VERY early, I really, really don’t think anyone would have questioned this at all. Gaelic Ireland, simply put, often didn’t have our own conception of the nuclear family, and this was generously provided for in the law codes. Fosterage was useful as a way of maintaining ties between both neighboring families and, most especially, between kings and their vassals, with vassals often fostering kings’ sons. (That way, if the king should die with multiple possible heirs, it means that the kids have people backing them for the kingship.)

"I think that husband of hers had been crying poverty so loud and long he made her deaf to everything else” - Not to be #TeamDonal on main, but the facts as they’re recorded tend to have a strong pro-Donal bias. Take the words of his 17th century relative, Ruari O’Flaherty: "Of all the western O'Flaherties, Donel an chogaidh , although not the chieftain, was the most powerful and opulent.” Most. Powerful. And. Opulent. Yeah, Donal wasn’t crying poverty to anyone. Could he have been lying through his teeth? Maybe. Who knows? But this is ONE thing we have on Donal’s personality, recorded not too long after he died, by a historian who would have had close access to O’Flaherty sources. I believe him. And, I’d even be willing to commit the ultimate heresy and say that Donal’s success was not due entirely to his wife.

She does use the proper terms in a few places! Such as “rechtaire” for “steward”. (Io stem, masculine.)

“You are a noble Irishwoman, you go to no man’s bed unless you want to.” COMPLICATED. Arranged marriages were definitely the norm, and, in the legends, we get to see the unfortunate downsides of what happens when a woman is coerced into a marriage she doesn’t want, generally by an older man, while she is generally pining over a younger one. I wouldn’t say it was something that people LIKED, the fact that this entire genre exists is a pretty good example of people being like “DON’T DO THIS SHIT”, but I can’t say it didn’t happen. Examples of this include Fingal Rónáin, Tóraigheacht Dhiarmada agus Ghráinne, Longes mac n-Uislenn, Aided Con Roí, etc. I would not say that it was considered to be an IDEAL, it was something that was definitely warned against, but it could, in theory, happen. It wasn’t necessarily a legal form of marriage, but it was a form of marriage. 

"Shorter than Cuchullain or Brian Boru,” PETTIEST of pettiest bitch complaints, but Cú Chulainn is generally described as short. I know, I know, not what she’s going for. But still. Let me be a petty bitch on this one thing.

“Times have changed,” he said impatiently. “Those are archaic luxuries, and luxury has worn thin here. Perhaps in Umhall there is still leisure for sitting around listening to bards, but it takes every resource I can command just to maintain my territory against those who constantly nibble at my borders.” MOST. OPULENT. AND. POWERFUL. Okay, but one thing that she does get right, and is right to emphasize, is the importance of the bard - chieftain relationship. This was really, really one of the key relationships in a chieftain’s life, to the extent where one of the privileges of the chief ollaimh was the right to sleep with the king in his bed. And yes, it was EXACTLY as homoerotic as it sounds. For a chieftain to not keep a bard - It’s actually a really, really stupid move on Donal’s part, not just for the sake of tradition, but because…who’s going to be there to remember him and keep his memory alive? Who’s going to write praise poems for him (and for Gráinne! The chieftain’s wife was often celebrated in verse.)

"Grania had brought a handsome marriage portion with her, her own property under the Brehon law, for a woman of her rank must be able to stand on equal footing with her husband.” Accurate - Gráinne would have, most likely, been a cétmuinter, or chief wife, under the law, and her union to Donal would have been a union of equal contribution. (Donal also might or might not have owed her a “Thank you for your virginity!” Present on their wedding night.)

 “The priests are right in giving husbands authority over their wives,” he had shouted at her then, while she pleaded to be allowed to keep her babies with her longer. “The old Gaelic way gave women too much freedom altogether, and you are a fine example of the folly of that custom.” Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now. This is just….GAR. GAR. Or, as Llewlyn likes to say every five seconds…*Dar Dia*. Suffice it to say, the question of how much freedom post-Christianity Ireland had for women VS Pre-Christian Ireland is an endlessly long topic that has to begin with how we define “freedom” and, specifically, which women get it. (Sucks to be a slave girl no matter what.) But also, while women definitely DID have power (EVEN POST-CHRISTIANITY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH)…that doesn’t mean that it was that COMMON, or that post-Christianity radically changed how (un)common it was. This is just…too blunt, too much of a caricature, and also happens to be insanely, insanely anachronistic. (Also: What would a 16th century chieftain really KNOW of the Old Gaelic Way? He would know about women like Medb, yeah, and he would probably see her as evil and uppity, depending on which stories he’d read - Though as a Connachtman, he would probably be inclined towards being on her side. But that doesn’t mean he would have really thought “Oh, yeah, pre-Christianity, women had SO MUCH power.” Lawlessness and chaos tend to be features of pre-Christian Ireland in the medieval writings, but I wouldn’t really say that liberated women….were? Especially because in those same writings you have women like Emer who, while distinct in their characterization, are still very much proper and chaste women who keep to the house.)

“I warn you, Grania—you will accede to me in this or I will send you back to Clew bay and denounce you throughout Connaught for a lack of womanly graces. Is that what you want, to be sent home rejected with your shortcomings shouted from the hills?”

           “Who would believe such charges?” she had demanded to know, outraged at his unfairness.” 

I’m just going to say it now: She could sue him SO MUCH in a proper Brehon court if she could get some witnesses to say that they heard him talking shit without cause. So. So much. So. Much. Donal would be losing a solid chunk of his goods. Though I will point out that, technically, since Gráinne isn’t sleeping with him, she isn’t doing her proper duties as a wife, laid out by the Brehon laws, and so, yeah, he could probably have a case against her. (For what it’s worth: If he was refusing to sleep with her, she could ALSO divorce him, with him explicitly being at fault and having to pay up. It was equal opportunity, in that sense.)

The Brehon law keeps being called “pagan” and…no. No non noon no. It had its origins in pre-Christian Ireland, likely, and that’s why a ton of legal scholars, with a few noted exceptions, tend to be strongly Nativist, but that doesn’t mean that, by Gráinne’s time, it hadn’t been more or less adapted into Christian marriage in Ireland, albeit sometimes semi-awkwardly. (For example: Polygamy was allowed, but the law very much privileged the rights of chief wives, including their right to toss their husbands out on their ear for taking in a woman over their head.) There’s this odd obsession in the book with Brehon Law =/= Christian Law, and that’s definitely not the case. You wouldn’t have had two marriage ceremonies, one under the church and one under the Brehon Law, because the Brehon Law would apply no matter WHAT. It’d be like forcing a couple to undergo a ceremony after their official wedding where a bunch of lawyers read out of a law book to them. It just wouldn’t happen.

“The Augustinian monks of Umhall, who taught me history in my childhood, explained that when the Romans left England and that land sank into barbarism, it was missionaries from Ireland who took God’s words to the British tribes and taught them to read and write.

          “Perhaps they hate us, Donal, for being a more ancient and educated race. Perhaps they mean to drag us down by treating us as savages until we do not remember ever having been anything else. And along the way they can take our land from us with a clear conscience because we are only savages and deserve no better.”

On one hand, it DOES capture that note of PRIDE that tends to be there, loud and clear, in the texts, especially, say, Auraicept na n-Éces, which claims that Irish is a perfectly formed language, made from all the best bits of the Tower of Babel’s languages. (And….well….”The land of saints and scholars”. Ireland WAS a hotspot of monastic activity.) And, honestly, I support showing off the literary side of Ireland, since it doesn’t get discussed enough. That being said, no monk in his right mind would have said that it Irish missionaries civilized Britain. Why? Because Patrick came from Britain. Or, rather, Britannia, more accurately. He wasn’t an Englishman, not in the modern sense, he would probably be Welsh today, but he was from a monastic, educated family (despite claiming his Latin was poor in his Confessio, it’s actually quite good - Patrick was a MASTER at using humility as a rhetorical device).        

"Grania slept naked. She liked her skin to breathe as she slept, not encumbered with a gown that would twist and bind.” “And then Gráinne froze her ass off because the nights in Ireland, even in the warm heat of summer, are cold and bitter as a Norseman’s frozen tit, if there were, in fact, any Norsemen in Ireland in the 16th century, and frequently require multiple blankets + a solid duvet. Gráinne then died of pneumonia several weeks later, making for a very short book.” Also. Again. If this were a male author. I would have committed a murder at this point.  

Reference to saffron dye - NICE. This was really a staple of the clothing, for both men and women, to the extent that it features a LOT in accounts of Ireland at this time.

“By the paps of Danu!” No one. In 16th century Ireland. Would have shouted out “By the paps of Danu!” “By the Washington Monument!” “By the Lincoln Memorial!” “By the stunning cliffs of Oregon!” Sounds rather silly, doesn’t it? (Though if you WANTED to start shouting “BY THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL!” Well. I’m not here to stop you.)

"She was small for a Gaelic woman, and pale, a tiny wraithlike creature who exuded a contradictory air of resilient strength.” I’m not going to say that Chambers is WRONG, because, of course, Irish women come in a variety of shapes and sizes. You know, like people everywhere. But I WILL say that, during my time here, it’s the only time in my life that I’ve felt at home, because, for the first time in my life, I’m not short. Also, I want it on the record that now, whenever I see her, I’m picturing the little old woman who sits in on research seminars and who has the entire department scared shitless. Tiny, but MIGHTY.

"Her only ornament was a triskele of silver in an ancient pattern, suspended upon her flat bosom by a leather thong.” The Triskele is a Neolithic symbol used through the Iron Age, DEFINITELY not in use, in Ireland, by the Early Modern Period.

"“Evleen Ni Brien-“ That would be “Ní Bhriain” in modern Irish. Normally, I wouldn’t be THIS nitpicky, but hey, if you’re patting yourself on the back for the research you did and then can’t be bothered to put in a fada + the proper possessive form of “Brian”. I also don’t THINK that the “Ní” form had been adopted yet, I’m fairly certain that’s modern, so it would, more properly, be Evleen iníon Bhriain. Though, since it emphasizes that she’s from the Dál Cais and the O’Briens are predominately associated with them, I’m going to GUESS the proper form would involve her father’s name. It would be “Evleen iníon *possessive form of father’s first name* Uí Briain”.

"He had only heard whispers of such people, but enough tales still abounded concerning them to make them readily identifiable—even if this one did claim the noble name O Brien.” You know, in Reign, when you have a bunch of druids dancing in the forest and everyone was like “That’s fucking ridiculous!” Yeah. Yeah. That’s exactly how I feel right now. Druids DID last for some time in Ireland after Christianity, but not INTO THE 16TH CENTURY.

"“Of course not. But neither can I forget that it was the strictures of that faith which kept me bound in marriage to a man I learned to despise.” Divorce was still a thing. There was no problem, in theory, with getting married at a fully Catholic altar and then dumping them for getting jiggy with the serving girls a few years down the line. Llewelyn’s misunderstanding of the relationship that the Church and the Brehon laws BOTH played in the lives of people (SHOCKINGLY ENOUGH, the Catholic Church was NOT seen as pure evil by every day people at the time, who had to flee into the arms of the Brehons for comfort from Mother Church. Note that I’m saying this as a confirmed and strong atheist.)

Can I just say that the scene where Gráinne’s feeling up Hugh (the OC) in his sleep would be MUCH creepier if the genders were reversed?

"But he was not the man he had always been. He was some different person here.” Wow, the sex must be REALLY good!

"set in violet shadows that spoke of wonderfully sleepless nights.” Why is it that when I stay up doing an all-nighter, I end up looking like a raccoon going through its emo phase, but when Gráinne tumbles some random dude for a little while, she gets “violet shadows?” It’s not right, I tell you.

"“Was your marriage so bad, Grania, that you have turned your back on your own womanhood forever?” GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Well. Now I know where The Pirate Queen gets its “Your ultimate worth as a woman and happiness in life is decided by whether or not you have a dick in you” philosophy. I wish I hadn’t known. But now I do.

“That’s the way it is with men,” he said. “They touch us. For the feel of strong arms around her and a solid chest to lean her head upon, a woman will put up with a lot of misery. It’s the curse of our skin to be hungry for the feel of a man’s skin.” GAAAAAAAAH. GAH.

"God the benevolent patriarch promises us rewards in the next world if we’re willing to sacrifice in this one. But maybe I don’t believe in patriarchs anymore.” Totally a thing that the real Gráinne Ní Mháille would have thought. Because women, in general, in the 16th century had the terminology to make these critiques in this exact way.

" If one satisfaction was snatched from her she would find another; if she lost love she would embrace hate, and glory in it.” Oh, god, not THIS motivation for a female character, please. Gráinne Ní Mháille was a hell raiser from birth, there’s no reason to think that, because she lost her boytoy, that really radically altered her life path.

“I wonder if Tigernan thinks you and I are damned,” she asked her husband. “We were wed in no chapel.” Given that there were nine degrees of marriage under the law, of varying types of legality, I doubt it.

Yay, exactly what this book needed: More sex!

I’ll be real: Richard Bingham playing Weddingcrashers at Margaret’s wedding only to nearly get his ass handed to him by two members of Gráinne’s family is truly an #Iconic moment. 10/10, if the rest of the book was like this I could die a happy woman.

"It was not an Irish face, but the eyes were unforgettable.” ….what is an “Irish face?” Especially post-Norman invasion? What does an Irish face look like?

“There are rumors he gained his inheritance by murder, and it is said outright that he and his mother between them drove his first wife into her grave.” Yay, the return of the Oedipus complex! My favorite thing in this book!

"Grania herself slept alone in a tiny walled guest chamber above, but she was aware of Richard sleeping in the same house. A strong man, sleeping naked in a bed … .

How people change, she thought to herself with amusement. This is definitely not the same Grania whom Donal an Chogaidh knew.” 

Yay, MORE sex! MY FAVORITE THING. IN THE WORLD. BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS WHEN I READ THE LIFE OF GRÁINNE NÍ MHÁILLE?"**MORE SEX**.”

" If Richard took her at all, he must take her under the old Gaelic concept of “marriage for one year certain” to see if they suited one another.” Ah, yes, the old Gaelic concept of marriage that mysteriously shows up in no legal texts, legends, or genealogical tracts. A very authentic Gaelic tradition, very old, much wow. (For what it’s worth….the Telltown marriages are as close as this comes, but the thing that makes them stand out is that everyone KNEW they were the oddballs.)

"According to pagan custom—which still lived in uneasy truce with Christianity in many parts of Ireland—there were ten degrees of marriage, all the way from a union between propertied partners of equal rank to union by abduction or the mating of the mad. From any of the ten a child could result, and the brehons therefore had allowed for every child’s rights to be recognized by the social order. No human containing an immortal spirit could be illegitimate.” The astonishing thing is that it’s very, very obvious that she read Cáin Lanamna for this…and then proceeded to not apply it to any other time except for when it was necessary.

"How can I be Grania if there is no Tigernan at my shoulder?” Yes, because we all know that the thing that really defined Gráinne Ní Mháille was, in fact, the men in her life.

"Evleen smiled. “At least it isn’t fettered with Christian chains,” she said. “You were wise.”” Oh, God help me. There’s no way to have a marriage in Early Modern Ireland not “fettered with Christian chains” because Christianity IS the religion of the people.

Remember when Gráinne was described as “More than master’s mate” to Richard Burke, implying a union that was mutually respectful? Yeah, me neither. I’m so glad he’s a one dimensional sexist with mommy issues. That’s such a new, innovative take on their relationship. I LOVE to see it. (Note: I’m saying this as someone who HATED Chambers’ blatant shipping in her biography, but hey. I can’t deny what the first hand evidence says. Unlike Chambers.)

" I’ll get the O Lee—he’s our ship’s physician, and at least he can-“ Unless the chieftain of the O’Lee family moonlights as a ship’s doctor, you wouldn’t call him The O’Lee. Just say “I’ll get Aidan O’Lee.” Or, even, “I’ll get the ship’s leech!”

“TAKE THIS FROM UNCONSECRATED HANDS.” I won’t say that all’s forgiven because, I’ll be honest, I really, really hate this novel at this point, but you know what? This forgives at least some of this novel’s sins. One of my favorite tales about her being brought to life on page by a very talented author does make for a high point, between this and Gráinne avenging the boytoy.

Okay, I’ll be real: The O’Donnell and Gráinne boasting about their respective kids is really, really cute, and I accept it because my very first exposure to Early Modern Ireland was “The Fighting Prince of Donegal.”

The O’Donnell talking shit about English poetry is…..very accurate to the time and the mood. My personal favorite genre of Early Modern Irish poetry is probably “The English aren’t shit.”

"Black Hugh nodded. Grania stood up, and Philip Sidney rose with her, as smoothly as if they were joined at the hip. Tigernan uttered a strangled curse. The sasanach was taking hold of Grania’s arm as if she were an old woman and he were a blackthorn stick for her to lean upon! Was that some English custom, insulting the strength of women? Or did he mean to grab her and make off with her?” Honestly, for once, Tigernan is a #Mood.

"But when Philip’s hands moved over her body, Grania discovered that all human landscapes have a certain similarity. She knew his touch as male, and hungry, and when she returned it in kind she felt a familiar rising response that flattered her and made her eager for more. Within the bed they did not seem to be foreigner and Gael. They were just man and woman, enjoying each other.” I ENDURED THE SEX SCENE WITH PHILIP FUCKING SYDNEY. SO THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS TO.

And, just like with Richard, no one can match up to Wonderful Boytoy Huw.

"She prances along the seaways as if she had a man’s balls, John, and by the bright blue eyes of God, it should be my hand that grabs those balls of hers and crushes them.”” Oh, GOD, I THOUGHT THAT THE PIRATE QUEEN’S MOST INFAMOUS LINE WAS JUST BAD LYRIC WRITING. I DIDN’T KNOW THEY TOOK IT *FROM THE NOVEL*. WHY, MORGAN LLEWELYN. WHY.

Look, I’ve made it to Chapter 24. There are 32 in total. I COULD read the rest of the way, since I want to see how poorly the treatment of Elizabeth is going to be (I’d be very shocked if there isn’t some variation of Not Like Other Girls involved), but also: I do not care at this point. I might pick it up again, but also: A bitch is tired. And illiterate. Perhaps, if I’m ever feeling brave, I’ll take on the last eight chapters, but for now: I’m calling it. 

[ofmythsandmadness]

i need a favour - two.

PART TWO - don’t call me baby. or, klaus always knows how to make things a little bit more tense, even without meaning to (but no one can ever hate him for it)

WORD COUNT: 3000 or so. PREVIOUS PART(s): part one

A/N: i was surprised at honestly the good response? i wasn’t considering anyone liking it, but i’m glad. i’ve got a little series tag list going on for those who requested to be updated on this - if you want to be added, just ask and I can do that :) I’m updating this at three in the morning, because I didn’t have much inspo for finishing it til now? if it’s badly written and honestly, i feel that with the ending, i’m super sorry. but on another note, there’ll be more parts if I can get my shit together, at least a couple more chapters because i want to have a proper growth session (yee haw, buckle up i guess). I’m still getting used to writing x reader things, I don’t normally even read them, but this is pretty fun and it’s something I can do. and i’m happy people enjoy reading it. (sorry for the super long a/n.)

FOR MOST, IT WOULD BE STRANGE TO SEE a teacher smiling as they went through a stack of to-be papers. Frowns, or grumblings were more common, only covered by a constant reaching for more coffee to keep them alert. But for Y/N and her creative writing class, it was nothing unusual. She largely favoured the course to teaching AP English, and most of the time enjoyed reading what the students came up with. The prompts were fun and the followup even better - no matter the spelling and grammar mistakes, the students were not without creativity. If she was being honest, it might just be the greatest opportunity a young teacher in her position could get. And she was not without appreciation for that.

The prompt that week perhaps made her marking job even more entertaining. She asked them to tell her about their childhood hero, and a large portion of the class had chosen to write about the infamous ��Umbrella Academy’. Even if they were on the younger age and only saw the group in the later years, more than half of her students still fawned and gushed about the super-beings. The one in hand just then particularly favoured a certain Number Two - citing him as their first childhood crush, someone that their small self quite adored.

She snorted at their shy confession. If only they knew Diego like she did - maybe the mask and knives would not be so attractive.

Just before she could turn to the next page, her phone lit up and she had to place the red pen down. The number was not recognised by her phone, but she hardly spared a thought on that, sighing before bringing the device to her ear. “Hello, Y/N Y/L/N here.”

“Well, don’t you sound professional.”

Speak of the devil. She fought back a smile. “You really have to get your own phone, you know.”

“Why, so you can get even more excited it’s me?”

“No. So I know not to answer.”

“Ouch. You’d say that to the love of your life?”

Y/N transferred the phone to her other ear, pressing it into her next and jaw as she fixed her piles. “Okay, hold on. Thought you were my fake boyfriend, not ‘the love of my life’. Did I miss that in our agreement?”

“Ain’t that the same thing?”

“No,” she shot back. There was no point elaborating, she knew he was joking - and yet for some reason, the casual question did sting a little. She quickly brushed the thought away, though, and continued. “Why are you calling me? I’m working.”

“I’m calling on your break, aren’t I?”

“Sure, but you’re interrupting my paper-grading.”

She could practically see the teasing smirk on his face, imagining him leaning against the telephone booth with the device pressed up to his ear. Trying to be stupidly suave. What she wouldn’t give to trip him up. “Sorry to interrupt that, I didn’t know you were having such a great time.”

“Well, I’ll have you know I-” she cut herself short as the door swung open. Her frown quickly shifted to a polite smile and Y/N gestured for the student to come in, motioning silently to her phone. She turned back with a lower voice and new sense of urgency. “Do you need something, Diego, or are you just calling to tease me?”

“C’mon, don’t flatter yourself.”

“I’m about three seconds from hanging up-”

“-okay, sure. I do have a question.”

She shifted in her seat, sparing another glance to the waiting student just to make sure she was still there. The girl stood patiently - well, in the sense of trying her very best to pick up on just what the conversation was without being obvious. Y/N smiled a little at that.

“What is it, then?”

“They’re moving dinner to Sunday. Can you make that?”

Y/N did not have to rack her brain to know her answer. “Yeah, probably. I’ll have to bump all my plans around, but I guess I can make it work.”

“Oh, right. Cause you have so much going on.”

“Screw off, Diego, ‘else I might just be too busy to show up to dinner.”

He sobered up then, though he did force an exaggerated sigh. “Fine. Thanks.”

“Uh-huh. We can talk later about details but-” she shot another glance the girl’s way, gesturing she would just be one more minute, “-I have to actually go. Okay?”

He laughed softly into the phone. “Sure. See you, sweetheart.”

“Bye, loser - and don’t call me that!”

He hung up with nothing more as a response, leaving Y/N to sigh and slam the phone back down to her desk. She smiled apologetically at the teen. “Sorry about that, Trish.”

“Oh, no worries,” the girl grinned. The smile was sly - a look only a curious high schooler knew best. “Everything all good?”

“Oh, n...yes, yeah.” Guess she had to go along with the teasing remark - not that Trisha had been sent as a spy by the Hargreeves siblings, trying to test the validity of their very not real relationship. But it did not hurt to push the narrative. “Yeah, that’s just my...uh...boyfriend. Confirming plans, no big deal.”

Trish’s smile grew larger. “Sounds cute.”

How someone could sound cute, especially when she had not even heard him actually speak, Y/N could not say. But she just laughed it off, played the part she had dealt herself. “Yeah, he’s...great. But anyways, how can I help you?”

||

AT THE FIRST KNOCK, Y/N was throwing the door open, rubbing at her eyes so she could take in the situation properly. Her eyes flitted down Diego, scanning frantically for any wounds or issues that would need serious work, or just any sign in his face of what could be an urgent matter. There was no bloody giveaways on his clothes this time, though, and his face was warped into strangely, a stiff grin, instead of a look of pain.

“Well, at least you used the door this time,” she sighed, opening it wider so he could come in. She stiffened, though, as he moved closer than normally, brushing her into a one-armed hug before pulling away. Y/N’s mouth fell open to question the embrace, but fortunately her eyes fell on the answer before she could be made a fool. “Oh. Oh. Hi, Klaus...?”

“Long story,” Diego mumbled into her ear, disguising the whisper with a kiss to her temple. She tried to focus only on the word and not how the strange shiver shot down her back at his touch, no matter how she felt. “Picked him up, he wouldn’t leave me alone and I really didn’t want him wasted up somewhere bad.”

She only nodded in response and turned her arms to Klaus, wrapping him up in a hug. He felt warmer than he had the last time they hung out - a bit more meat seemed to be on his bones, too, though he was still a willowy, langly man. A somewhat sober nature did suit him.

“My darling Y/N - congratulations!”

“Congr-”

“-you managed to do the impossible - and oh! How happy I am to welcome you to our crazy family!”

Oh, right. That.

“I always had a feeling that there was something between the two of you, but I never knew that the day would come where you’d actually admit it..” Klaus’ arms slung easily around both Diego and Y/N, drawing them close to him with a ferocity neither expected. Their heads very nearly knocked together, before Diego could wriggle out of the hold. “My dear little Y/N, tying down this grumpy asshole.”

She laughed semi-nervously. “Guess that’s me, yeah.”

“You two always looked good together, so adorable,” he continued, letting them go without a second thought. Luckily, he missed her glare to her supposed boyfriend, as well as the mouthed apology, too wrapped up in his own thoughts. “And between all the pining looks and - well, I don’t think anyone should be surprised you two finally decided to bump uglies!”

If there was any water in her mouth, Y/N would have done a classic spit take right then and there. As it were, she could just choke on air and attempt to keep her exposure in the face of a bold-face lie. 

Fortunately, Diego was there to swoop in - somewhat. “I did not pick you up so you could badger Y/N about our sex life, Klaus. Say your shit or get out.” He sank into her couch and Y/N did not miss the flash of pain across his face - there was something wrong. She could already feel the frown of concern forming.

“You’re the one who forced me into your car.”

“Yeah, well,” he shot back through gritted teeth, “you were gonna get yourself killed, dumbass.”

“So now I can’t go anywhere without a babysitter, simply because of a slight issue in the past?”

“You are a recovering add-”

“-the details don’t matter, Diego,” Klaus muttered, only flinching the slightest bit under Diego’s withering stare. “And it’s not my fault everyone’s now so busy with their lives. I mean, you do really show up at the worst of times, just to bust me and not to catch up on all that quality ‘bro’ time we missed out on!”

Y/N gently pushed him forward and into a seat before moving onto Diego. She fished out the little aid kit kept under the kitchen sink and sank into the couch beside him. “Show me what’s wrong. And Klaus, what about Luther? Allison?”

“Both too far,” he whined back.

“Okay...stop squirming Di...uh, don’t you have Five?”

“Five can’t legally do anything except for like, drive. And even then, is he even old enough to have a license yet?” He paused for dramatics, only to sigh when neither gave much response. “I just worry for that boy, I can’t be the only one questioning this.”

“Vanya, then.”

Klaus shook his head once more. “I love the girl, but sometimes, a bit too dry for me. We don’t have the same tastes, and I’m afraid I might be tone-deaf. Severely so. Incurably so, darling.”

“Aw, Klaus.” She poked at Diego’s side, sticking her tongue out when he tried to push her away. “Shirt up, let me see how bad it is.”

He rolled his eyes. “S’barely a scratch. Let it be.”

“C’mon, I don’t want it getting infected, let me see!” She poked again, forcing him to lift the shirt up and reveal the nasty scratch. He still fought her hands away, even when she was obviously going to win the fight. She swatted his calloused fingers off, however, and inspected the wound despite his protests.

Diego was just about to shoot another insult her way, eyes a-flashing in that sly, tired way that only came out in the wee hours, when they were both cut off.

“Oh, don’t tell me I’m going to be interrupting a moment here?”

Immediately Y/N felt herself stiffen and everything feel a little bit colder. She could not lift her gaze from his wound, too anxious to look and see how Diego was reacting to the comment.

“I can leave, if that’s wanted? I understand the whole new couple thing, believe me. Been there, done that, and I’m always ready to try and start that over again tonight!”

She bit back a groan.

In all the fuss of getting them in and dealing with Diego, she had hardly spared a thought to the night ahead. Sure, she had realised it was going to be awkward every time a Hargreeve mentioned their ‘relationship’, but not like this - not where she would be left stammering, trying to defend herself to one of her closest friends. Not even defend, but...well, she was not sure what she was supposed to be trying to do. Aside from not combust from all the hot blood rushing straight to her face.

And all she had wanted was to sleep.

But there was no way she would kick either or both of them out, not in their states. Diego would end up staying anyways just like he always did, grumbling as she fussed over him - and she would not just kick Klaus out like that. She adored the both of them and had made a promise. 

So, Y/N sucked in a breath and forced a gentle smile. “You’re not interrupting anything, hush.”

“Oh, I don’t mi-”

“-you wanna stay a while, Klaus? I have a feeling Diego’s not gonna be moving, and I don’t want you wand’ring the streets alone in your state.”

Diego’s eyes immediately shot to her, but she ignored the pointed stare.

“Oh, I’d hate to intrude on your relaxation session. Truly, I’ll just go!”

Gross, Klaus, she mused to herself - the guy was injured, for hell’s sake. “Seriously, you’re not. Please, just stay. There’s plenty a’room and I had nothing going on, anyways.” Aside from sleep - but that had been thrown out the window the second the pair had shown up, anyways.

A smile broke out on Klaus’ face and he shot up, moving to awkwardly hug Diego’s shoulder - much to the man’s chagrin. “I don’t know how you managed to convince her to like a prick like you. She’s an angel - you’re an angel, Y/N really.”

“You’re too sweet, but seriously, I don’t mind the company,” she grinned, swatting Klaus’ hands away. Hers were pressed against Diego’s torso, trying to wipe away the blood already drying around the wound. It, luckily, was not too bad- though serious enough to need serious attention. “Make yourself comfortable, just please don’t touch the booze!”

As his brother’s laugh floated away, Diego groaned. “Can’t we kick him out?”

“The more the merrier,” she sang back, ignoring the glare shot her way. “C’mon, I promise I’ll make it up to you later, baby.”

Diego did not bother to even try and hide him flipping her off. If anything, he brandished the action proudly. She just grinned back, trying to fight back her beating heart and flushed cheeks. She just had to deal with this - it was what she agreed to and it was just them. She hung out with the two of them for years and years. The only difference now was that she and Diego were supposed to be ‘bumping uglies’, but she could deal with Klaus’ comments.

Right?

||

“YOU COULD TRY AND BE A LITTLE NICER,” she said, swatting at him with a towel. “He is your brother.”

Diego rolled his eyes. “He’s an asshole, is what he is.”

“Why, he interrupted our quote-on-quote ‘alone time’?”

“No,” he grumbled, “but I didn’t really come here to put on a show.”

Y/N wanted desperately to then ask, ‘well why did you come’, but the words just would not come out. Instead, she just shook her head and played along with ignoring the implication. “C’mon, dummy. Would you rather we kicked him out and left him to do...well, whatever Klaus does? That wouldn’t be good.”

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. Y/N watched as he absent-mindedly stroked the silvery scar carved into his head, a motion she thought probably was not even intentional. “I know. I know. S’why I brought him here.”

“So…”

“...all I’m saying is, I didn’t expect to have ‘im here all night.”

She shot him a teasing smile before twisting away, reaching up towards her top cupboards. Her fingers grazed the wood but could not quite reach the glasses pushed to the far back. How had she reached them before? 

“If you wanted to just hang out with me, Diego, you could’a just said. I mean, I get it. I am irresistible and adorable in every which way.”

“I agree. You are super irritating and annoying.”

“Oh, wow, those are some big words!” Y/N gritted her teeth, stretching as far as she could forward to grab the glass - but ended up just sinking back to her toes with a sigh. “You been reading that dictionary I bought you?”

“You really just carry that teacher voice around wherever you go, don’t you,” he grinned. With ease, he reached up and brought down the glass she had been reaching for, earning a muttered ‘thanks’. “And for your information, I don’t even know where that thing is.”

“Liar.”

“Not kidding.” 

“You lost my heartfelt gift to you?”

“Nah, I probably used it as target practice.”

She rolled her eyes, even if he could not see her face when focused on her hands. She poured a little more than halfway, pausing before shrugging and bringing it up to her lips. Still turned away, she swallowed. “You’re maybe the most insufferable boyfriend I’ve ever had, you know.”

“Oh, come on. That can’t be true.”

“No, I mean that. I don’t normally date people who bicker with me and lose my hard thought-out gifts like that. Assholes like you.”

“Yeah? What about Ty?”

“What about him?”

“He was an asshole.”

Y/N shrugged and focused her gaze on the cupboards opposite her. Better that than his face, right then. “Sure he was. But I think he took care and kept the presents I gave him. I mean, ‘til shit hit the fan, but still. They were appreciated.”

“You’re really comparing me to one of the biggest dicks because I didn’t value your joke gift?”

At that, she chuckled and finally looked his way. One glass of wine down and her sense of smart humour was already fleeing fast. “Can’t compare what I don’t know, can I? Though, he, he was packing, I will tell you that.”

That did not even make much sense, but her messily dirty joke still took a jab his way. Immediately, Diego’s face fell into a look of disgust - though, funnily enough, his cheeks shone red in the dim kitchen light - and Y/N could not keep her laughter in. 

“Sorry, that didn’t even make any sense...”

“You’re gross,” he grinned back, shaking his head in fake disgust. “Don’t know what I see in you.”

She giggled mercilessly at him, ignoring his mumbles to keep quiet, caught up in the adorable face he made.

Wait, she interrupted, not adorable. Not in the adorable nature as - well, it was cute, but like in a little kid sort of way. Yeah. Was that a better way to look at it? She was not sure, but it still left her sobering up pretty quickly.

Her eyes fell down to the counter, tracing the swirls of wood before lifting once more. A low hum left her lips. “Nah, you’re right. He sucked. And you do too, don’t get me wrong, but not as much as Ty, or Todd. Or - pretty much all of them.”

“Well, I’m flattered.”

She grinned, but it was softer, weaker as she sipped her second glass. “Sure. Not like it’s much of a competition - I don’t think I have very good taste, sadly.”

“Sure you do,” Diego shot back, bending to pick out a bottle from the fridge. He leaned against the counter across from her, eyes slightly squinted as he took her in. “I mean, you’re dating me.”

“Ha, ha. This - this is a business arrangement, darling, not a relationship. And I didn’t even choose to be in this!”

“Well shit, tell me how you really feel, Y/L/N!”

“I mean nothin’ against you, ‘course,” she hummed. Why was she feeling awkward, all of a sudden? “It’s just not the same as actually having someone who genuinely cares about me - in the like, romantic sense.”

Diego nodded somewhat solemnly at that. “Mm. Sorry, I think?”

“Eh, don’t be. I agreed to this. And I still appreciate you, even if you aren’t interested in me past what benefits you.”

Her words were supposed to come out teasingly, a joke in the most bitter, light-hearted sense, but that was not the case. Instead, they came out all wobbly and unsure, like she had been biting them back but could not hold onto the feeling any longer. Which, was not really the case, she was not desperate for a hand to hold and certainly not from him - but she could not change the words said.

His eyes averted and hers softened, half from embarrassment and half unconsciously at the face he had pulled. She pulled away from the counter. “You still hungry? I can get you something.”

“Nah, I should - get him home.”

Y/N glanced back at Klaus’ silhouette, sound asleep and slightly snoring on the couch. “I think he’s okay, Diego.”

“Yeah, but it’s late. You’ve got work tomorrow and I got shit to get to.”

“Do you have to get to it?”

His smile was tired, like he was barely holding back a sad secret behind the pretty grin. Honestly, with a look like that? He was already half out the door and there was no point to arguing. “Who else is gonna keep this city from burnin’ down?”

She did not bother to argue with him - there was no point to giving him logical points, because he just deflected them all. Diego Hargreeves was a lot of things, but reasonable, he rarely could claim. At least not when it came to his own wellbeing.

Instead, Y/N just leant back and watched as Diego moved to his brother and in surprising tenderness, woke him up. It was rare to see him so gentle, but also a sign that made her smile - no matter what the man said, he truly loved his siblings. Especially Klaus.

“Hey, Diego?”

The man stopped, holding a half-asleep Klaus carefully upright in her doorway. She fought back the urge to smile at his lolling head.  “Yeah?”

“Be safe.”

“Sure-”

“-no, I mean that,” she interrupted, “truly. You’re too reckless sometimes and it’s gonna get you killed.”

Diego grinned. “Aww. You gettin’ soft on me, Y/N?”

“Shut up,” she grumbled, trying to will her face to not heat up at the accusation. “I’d just rather not have to pretend to cry at your funeral and play the grieving girlfriend role.”

“Ha. Love you too, baby.”

Y/N did not bother to throw any comeback after his retreating figure. She was too shaken by the way those four words had left his lips - sure, they were sarcastic, but they still sat heavy on her tongue as she silent repeated them. They made her feel weird, tingly in a sense she could not quite understand.

The door slammed shut, and she let her forehead fall after it, resting on the cool wind with fists at her side and questions swirling in her mind. Maybe she could do with another glass and miss out on attempting to sleep - not like she ever could after nights like this.

She sighed and made a mental note, one she knew she was going to forget in minutes, to yell at him about calling her baby again. 

TAGLIST: @rangotangomango @fandomsandmore394 @thatkidofwarandpeace @antoouu (let me know if i missed you/you wanna be added)

[0poole]

Why I don’t really like anime

Alright well here’s one that’s pure “who tf asked” energy but it’s something I’ve legitimately been thinking about. Most of these are just me trying to organize how I think. I try to keep away from this general aura of saying I don’t like something completely unprompted, but my brother is a massive anime fan so I’m around anime a lot more than anything else I’m not into.

Obviously I’m gonna have to preface this with the whole spiel. People can do and enjoy literally anything they want so long as it doesn’t hurt other people. Apart from that, this is just me putting thoughts onto paper and shouting them out into the void pretending people on the internet care or even will hear in the first place. And, apart from THAT, I’m also saying I just don’t like it, not that it’s “bad.” Anyone saying something as expansive as anime can be universally “bad” is objectively an idiot who doesn’t know how things work. Also, I’m not trying to cover my bases as if I expect anime fans to hound me like people stereotypically assume they would, I’ll always cover my bases when saying things like this to catch literally anyone and make the undertones of what I’m actually saying perfectly clear to everyone.

And similar to that, absolutely none of this stems from the less affectionate stereotypes of anime fans. Let it be known that I’ve been a part of various fandoms, including My Little Pony, Steven Universe, Undertale, and probably some others that have just-kinda-bad to horrible stereotypes put on them because of the true weirdos in the fandom who act seriously out of turn. I know the feeling of being lumped in with those unfortunately remarkable people as if this giant group acts basically in the same way/agrees with the same actions. Plus, anime has grown so far beyond the “nerd culture” that I feel like it’s more normal to like at least a little anime than to not like it at all, so people that suggest all anime fans are weirdos are the weird ones.

    But yeah, over time I’ve definitely felt a full bias against anime for some reason. Obviously some fit into my interests and get into my mind when I had an anime phase (like anyone), as I’ll mention, but for the most part if something is brought up as “anime” I just lose all interest in watching it. I feel like in terms of my overall biases, there are only three types of series: Non-anime animation, Anime, and Live action. For some reason, live action series are even worse in the bias chart than anime. I literally can’t muster up even the slightest interest in a live action series, while I can at least sometimes get behind the idea of an anime (and it’s a whole different can of worms for movies/other forms).

    The reason why I say “non-anime” animation instead of “western” animation is because it really doesn’t have to do with place of origin at all. Also, calling stuff “western” kind of excludes non-Japanese eastern countries that don’t produce anime, like Russia and India. For me, the question is just anime compared to all other types of animation. Aside from the objectively bad art styles of course.

That really just gets troubling with the true definition of “anime,” though, but as far as I care to define it it’s entirely revolving around the art and animation style, and maybe various other stylistic things as well. It’s one of those “hard to define it, but you can usually spot one when you see it” sort of things. But, I feel like even though “anime” might literally just mean “Japanese animation” in general, I feel like there are Japanese animations that could not be “anime.” For example, the big one being anything by Studio Ghibli. It honestly could or could not be anime, but the fact that there is a debate suggests that there’s more to anime than it just being Japanese. If it’s not origin, then basically all of it rests on the style itself. Especially since so many people start off trying to draw “anime style” (like I did), and since some things have been called “French anime” (a term which honestly gets me infinitely more into an idea for some reason, I guess it being “French” reverses the negative bias from “anime”). Then of course it gets into murky water, though, like are Teen Titans (the original) or Avatar: The Last Airbender anime? It’s obviously something that doesn’t have a clear definition and it sucks. But, it’s easier for me to talk about if it’s limited to the art style, because that’s pretty much my main gripe with the whole thing.

I could also just not even remotely know what I’m talking about but just go with it.

If it had to be limited to a single sentence, the main reason why I don’t like anime is that it feels like 90% of it looks extremely similar to one another. See a few paragraphs down for the major exceptions, because there’s always exceptions. Also I’m sure someone somewhere is trying to pull out the “Calarts style” argument here and honestly nothing inoffensive pisses me off more than that and I’m gonna for sure make a separate rant on that some day. Obviously “western” animation isn’t the saving grace either, but it feels closer in general.

It may be one of those things that is supposed to be more functional, of course. I’d have to imagine it’s much more writing-focused, because, if I were an executive at an animation company, I could definitely get sold on a story much more easily if it followed very similar artistic practices that have been used by so many other companies/groups. Plus, for the audience, it’s probably easier to enjoy a story when you are pretty sure you’re going to be into the art style of the show by default. I’d have to imagine that’s why there are so many different anime (animes? Consider it a fish/fishes type thing) out there. For the most part, too, it seems like the vast majority of it is animated simply, with the higher detail and budget being saved for the big events. I’ll never say it’s not a reasonable thing to exist. It just sucks when the one thing made to be so universal is the one thing you don’t like. 

But I’m definitely realizing I care about the visual of an animation more than the story. Definitely, a few years ago, I went full stereotypical writer, and cared so much more about the story itself than how things looked, but I definitely have changed from that. I’m much more likely to enjoy a story that’s pretty simple and easygoing that’s told in amazing animation than a highly detailed and complex story that’s told in pretty simple and easygoing animation. I mean, apart from that, I definitely don’t like the idea of a story’s complexity being one of its selling points, but that’s beside the point. Also, not to suggest all anime are “simply animated.” Exceptions are everywhere.

I’m the type of person who can enjoy something by “turning my brain off,” if you want to discredit the value of simplistic stories. Plus, now that I’m starting to try and make animations of my own, whenever I see some crazy good animation I’m halfway between “The animators are legends for putting in the massive legwork of making that” and “The animators are legends for making so impossibly good and high quality.” It also boggles my mind a bit when I see an overly detailed anime character/mech/whatever move. Someone had to animate that.

And then there’s one specific gripe that’s basically exactly that, but distilled into its purest form, and that’s how practically all young male protagonists in a mostly realistic setting in anime look like actual doppelgangers with each other. But, again, that’s a product of japanese society being less racially diverse overall compared to the Americas, so obviously the archetypal male is going to look much more average compared to what I’m used to. Just because there’s a reason doesn’t mean I have to like it, though. And, obviously, a lot of anime doesn’t have this issue, especially with the slightly less prevalent idea of “anime protagonist hair” of the past. Plus, girl characters don’t really seem to have this issue, and lord knows anime girls are a big thing. And, even worse for my case, it’s the same issue I have with the Calarts argument: The protagonists are supposed to look more average/approachable, while the side characters and environment can go the extra design-distance. I will say though that if an anime features the main character who looks just like that one archetype, I just can’t like it at all. It’s too plain. Same goes for when characters attend a school, and their “main” outfit is just their school uniform. Obviously practically all schools in Japan have uniforms, but it’s just so boring from a character design prospective. 

Another big part of the style that I don’t like is just the level of detail anime characters/things often have. The worst part of this is always, ALWAYS the hair. It always looks so greasy and stringy, and it just makes me feel gross looking at it for too long. I don’t even care what color it is. Something a little less universal are the more fantastical side of outfits some characters wear some of the time. Obviously some outfits just go too far with detail, or maybe try too hard for a specific look that it thwarts the design as a whole. It’s kind of hard to say that without having specific examples, but I’ll always prefer bigger shapes and relative simplicity over the level of detail most anime characters have. Same goes for items too. 

One thing that’s very easy to avoid on the larger scale, but still pretty prominent and a thing I genuinely hate, is how much more sexualized things are in anime. Like I said, it’s pretty easy to avoid sexualization because you can usually tell from the get-go where it’s at its worst, but even in other cases it feels like it creeps in even in the best shows. Trust me, though, I’ll never not admit to being horny, but when I sit down to engage in a genuine story I’m not even joking when I say that there is practically no situation where I want sex to be involved. Romance can be on-and-off, but specifically sexual elements just really throw me off of taking a story seriously, even when it’s actually incorporated into the greater themes and ideas of the story. I don’t know why I’m so averse to it, but I am. But, really, this is more of a writing thing than a visual thing usually. I swear to god, whenever my brother shows me an anime (my family would be completely disconnected from anime without him), there is like a 70-80% chance some female character is going to call a male character a “pervert” (or whatever the untranslated word they use is) and have it play off like a casual joke/remark. That shit actually makes me want to die. It doesn’t even matter whether or not they’re actually being a pervert, the mere mention of the remote idea genuinely pisses me off to no end.

Even though it’s just barely relevant, the way they always draw people with blood shooting out of their nose when they see lewd things makes me feel uncomfortable too. I’m not sure what anime originated that trend, because it sure as hell can’t be a thing from real life. That just doesn’t happen on the scale it happens in anime. Plus, it can’t feel good. 

Strangely enough, one of the main things that doesn’t put me off is having to watch with subtitles. For one, if there’s any culture whose animation I enjoy inherently more by default, it’s French animation, so I still deal with it outside of anime. And, even when I understand the language being spoken, I still like watching with subtitles just so I never mishear or misunderstand something. But, also, I’m actually completely on the “sub” side of the age-old-and-probably-ignored-nowadays-but-i’m-behind-the-times “Dubs vs Subs” debate. For some reason, it is extremely hard for me to look at an anime with a very plainly english voice over top of it. It just doesn’t feel right, almost ever. Some get it right of course, but the general state of dubs is pretty low compared to just reading text with the default emotions behind them. It sounds kind of counterintuitive, because I can’t exactly admire the animation as much if I’m reading text, but I feel like I’ve watched and written enough (even though it doesn’t exactly take much to find this skill) to realize what the general effect of a scene is, and when I do, I can usually watch the actual animation itself instead of reading the text. Like with French stuff, I can pick up very few words that repeat and match them to the subtitles to learn just the slightest bit of another language. I actually took a French language class in high school though, so it’s much easier then…

And one thing that I actually wish non-anime did was make different intro sequences/songs for different seasons/sections of the story. Even though some classic cartoon intros are so insanely classic that it’s hard to want to get something else, I can imagine that, for the most part, the alternative intros could be just as good. I guess it’s because we have so many more episodic shows, so the same intro could reasonably apply to the whole show as if it’s practically the same thing over its entire course, unlike anime which are more structured and progress with each season. I just want more music.

Of course different anime differ in levels between these, with some being major problems in some areas and being completely fine in others. I really don’t like going super in-depth about things I hate though, so let’s just skip that.

But the only rule without an exception is the rule that states “everything has an exception,” so there are a few anime that I actually like, or ones that I respect from afar. I did have an anime nerd phase in my past, although it wasn’t super intense or long lived, but in that period a few anime did sneak into my radar and I still like them, mostly because I can’t help but love the nostalgia. 

The one that kinda doesn’t count is the Pokemon anime. I like it because it’s Pokemon and I love Pokemon. Plus, it’s based on literally the most profitable gaming franchise ever, so it’s not like a fringe indie series. I will say that I actually really like the artistic direction they’ve taken for both the series and the official artwork/design as a whole. The Sun and Moon series looked pretty cute but maybe took it a bit too far, but the current series has a great balance of the clean, expressiveness of the Sun and Moon series but the solid-ness of the series before it. Apart from that, though, it’s one of those things I only still watch out of obligation, and for the rare good moments. I just love watching Pokemon exist, you know? Since I’ve watched so much of it already, and don’t have too much else to watch on a weekly basis, there’s no reason not to just put on the newest episode. It’s funny, though, because I normally like the dub of the anime more than the sub, but since the Sun and Moon series upped Ash’s expressiveness up to 10 it felt like his old dub voice actress didn’t quite match him anymore. Since I had no impression on what his original japanese voice sounded like, it was easy to start watching the subbed version and apply his new traits onto that voice. Either way, watching the subbed version means I can watch further into the series, and can’t get spoiled on things that’ll happen weeks/months down the line in the dub. As I said, it’s pretty normal nowadays to be into anime, meaning so many more people are following the Japanese episode release times and posting about it ASAP.

One that’s pretty expected is One Punch Man, which I watched once I heard someone explain it as “a parody of anime,” or something to that effect. The greatest thing about parodies is that they can be enjoyed both by those who love the thing being riffed on, and those that don’t. So, I watched it, and loved it. Me thinking about it like a parody also let me pass by the usual gripes I had with anime as a whole, like over-the-top crazy strong villains explaining so much out in the open, only to get one-shot by Saitama. And, the more obvious parody elements, such as Saitama becoming so strong just by exercising a lot, and just being a generally understated guy who just kinda is around. Pairing him with Genos, the more stereotypical anime powerhouse protagonist, is a great choice. For the animation, they even go super hard on the battles partially, I’d have to guess, because it still is just cool, but also to juxtapose how relatively simple Saitama is. There’s even some great character designs in there, like I remember this one single-episode side villain who was like a silhouette girl (?) with sharp teeth and long, seaweed-like hair that I loved the most. There’s also that second-in-command henchman guy under the main season 1 villain who looked sort of octopus-like, and I think had a crazy stupid name. I even liked the second season, which I guess most people didn’t like as much? It might’ve not been the highest of highs but I didn’t hate too much of it. 

One of the weirder examples is Attack on Titan because of the artstyle. For some reason, it feels like the characters of AoT are drawn and designed so well that they can look anime, realistic, and just barely cartoonic at the same time, creating diverse and impressionable characters without having to resort to the crazy stuff like colored hair and weird clothes. Plus, this lends extremely well to the overall atmosphere of the show, which of course is more grim in a slightly more realistic setting, but with the occasional guise of happiness some scenes have. It can be everything at once. But, of course, I only realized that after watching it, and the main selling point was actually how interesting and unique the story was, while remaining, at first, pretty simplistic all things considered. I just loved dudes with giant swords jet boosting up to a shambling giant and slicing the back of their neck. Compared to most anime, it was so specifically designed, instead of having a lot of detail put into everything to have the uniqueness. The Scout uniform is basically iconic at this point, while remaining pretty straightforward and, even better, completely unrevealing. Even when you hear the idea of an “anime sword” you also kind of think of something super flamboyant and complex, while the Scouts’ swords are also pretty simple, but very recognizable, basically being a rectangle, and also being replaceable. The whole device they use to get around is also so simple, yet so cool, and relatively reasonable. From a writing perspective, it’s also really good to have all main characters be on practically the same playing field in terms of abilities (aside from, you know, Erin) so each knows their full limitations, and you don’t learn anything out of the blue in the midst of battle. Even better, it’s a type of power you have to be genuinely skilled with, not like how most stories pull the “you’re inherently powerful you just need to release it!” sort of deal (Again, Erin).

I am kinda falling out of interest with the story as it progresses, though, but it’s entirely not the creators’ faults. Part of the appeal initially was how mysteriously cool and terrifying the Titans were, and why everything in this world was the way it was. Like with pretty much everything going on for long periods of time, the explanation had to come eventually, and it never is quite as good as you thought it’d be. Now that I know exactly why everything is the way it is, a lot of the magic kind of dissipated. Plus, that subplot of the false royalty of their kingdom and all the politics of that got very Star Wars Prequels with me. I didn’t come for that stuff. I am still a bit in that “I’m obligated to watch it since I’ve watched so much already” camp, so if they ever continue the series I’ll get back in. I’m definitely not at all the manga type, though. I don’t really like long form comics as a whole, and my eyes genuinely hurt looking at most manga because it seems they don’t use different shades of grey as much as they should. It’s all black and white, and my eyes can’t stand it. It’s the digital age, dammit. Leave the old style behind.

Even though I already said it’s on the verge of being anime and even though It’s all movies (I think?) you gotta admit Studio Ghibli stuff is just impossibly magical. I can only actively remember seeing like 3 of them (Spirited Away, My Neighbor Totoro, and Ponyo) but I would actually sell my soul to keep these movies in existence. I’m highly considering watching Kiki’s Delivery Service next because I think it’s on some streaming service my family has, where I can literally just watch it whenever with no fuss. They all fall into that kind of foreign fantasy genre that I love to all hell, because the “usual” for western fantasy has gotten impossibly stale and I actually kind of hate it now. Literally whenever any kind of story is a fantasy story, but with fantastical elements coming from some culture that isn’t the norm for fantasy, I can’t help but love it. Even though I’m talking more about the high fantasy genre, I can still love Ghibli stuff for being so adorably casual and local, making it feel so much more like every little thing they show you exists in some magical recess in the real world. The artstyle also has that kind of feel, where it’s cute in that weird-looking way. Plus, it’s a movie, so there’s a more solid stream of higher quality animation, instead of the more necessarily efficient series. Also also, I would die for Chihiro. That’s all.

For the stuff I don’t actively engage with as much, you can’t not mention the big Shonen Jump names, like One Piece, Naruto, and the one I interacted with the most, Yu Gi Oh. I’ve watched all three of those to some extent at some point in my life, but they didn’t really stay too much. 

One Piece has another remarkable artstyle, being so weird and quirky and large-faced with everything. I can also appreciate the fantastical pirate elements, as well as the very unique superpowers of Luffy, and the rest of the Devil Fruit powers. I would totally try watching again if it didn’t have over 900 goddamn episodes. That’s the problem with watching super popular stuff like that, it goes on forever, and it’s so hard to make that commitment. Either way, I think that one guy with the cigarette/lollipop was a walking “pervert” joke so I don’t miss it too much. I also honestly think a non-episodic series that goes over like 200-something episodes can’t possibly have a truly balanced and engaging story all throughout.

Naruto also had that “High fantasy of another culture” appeal to it, and is probably the most classic anime that isn’t Dragonball (which I personally am not really into at all, never was). I don’t really have too much to say about it, but I did really like the Wii game I had where it was a fighter with all the characters. I haven’t checked, but I’m pretty sure Naruto’s just like One Piece in that there are too many episodes to make the commitment and I think Naruto might even have a worse problem with “Pervert” jokes, but I don’t remember exactly.

Yu Gi Oh, on the other hand, is actually still sort of my jam. The recent stuff, whether it’s the cards or the series, is completely beyond me, and looks like the true anime BS that I don’t like, but the OG Yu Gi Oh stuff was awesome. I still know how to play the card game, at least with the earlier, simpler rules and card effects. I don’t even know how to play the Pokemon card game, and Pokemon’s one of my favorite things ever. I wish we still had those pre-made decks sorted so I could just play really quickly with those to regain my idea for strategy, and then make an original deck of the hundreds of hundreds of cards we have lying around. It’d be fun for no other reason than nostalgia. The video games are probably a good place to start, and I still have that old PC one where it was split into multiple versions for like Yugi, Kaiba, and Joey I think. I had the Yugi one, and last time I tried I actually had trouble beating him. There’s a semi-decent multiplayer one I have on Steam right now but it’s one of those things where I could either play that, or just… not, and continue life as normal. I might try it out again, but I already feel like I’m wasting my day. Oh my god, then Dungeon Dice Monsters on Gameboy Advance? Who needs anything else for that plane ride, am I right? I think there’s even those semi-story based RPGs on the Gameboy too that I should probably try out again. There’s just so much goodness.

And I haven’t even talked about the anime yet. Definitely the more meme-able of the classic anime, and I can definitely appreciate it for that. It was pretty weird in its own way. Especially with Yugi himself having what might just be the most insane and nonsensical hair style of all of anime. But, even then, I actually think it’s my all-time favorite, and I kinda love it. I have no idea why I do, but I do. I couldn’t even conceive of how to draw it from anything other than the front view. I also seriously appreciate when a character’s main icon/representation is something unique, and the Dark Magician is such an insanely cool character for just being some random dude on a card. Even apart from that, the Millenium Puzzle looks really cool, as does pretty much anything with an Egyptian flair to it. Then, we got the man, the legend, Joey Wheeler, who would not have been the same with any other voice actor. I stand by the fact that Tea and Tristan should’ve been fused into a hot-headed tomboy though, you really could’ve done without them both separately. Kaiba is also a classic anime antagonist/antihero, and he’s pretty lovable for it. Such great characters for something that really didn’t need them at all. I definitely have more nostalgia for the card/video game overall, but the anime definitely has an impression of its own. 

There’s also Zatch Bell, which I only know about in full because of that one Billiam video. I did have some vague idea of what Zatch Bell was, but only because we got those cool little books to hold the cards in. Honestly though the average character design in the show kinda sucks considering the fantastical elements are kind of cool. The only reason why I’m bringing it up at all is because I think Zatch’s design might be my all-time favorite character design in any anime property ever. His hair does still look pretty greasy, sure, but overall he has a very simple and clear design, and even though I’d definitely redesign him to look more puppet-like, the only reason why I see him as a puppet is because of the lines going down his cheeks. Those lines might be one of my all-time favorite single character design details for some reason. He also has a giant bow around his neck, and that plus the wide dress seriously makes him feel like a character I’d design (mostly because I have a character with somewhat the same details) minus the uber-generic anime boy protagonist sidekick.

For the list of anime I haven’t engaged with at all yet but can respect from afar, the shortest one I can describe is that one with that skeleton guy who has that average job and it’s animated very plainly, almost like a more western adult animation. You know, that one who got the meme with the subtitle of “Thanks, but reconsider!!!” with him looking all average but also anime-shocked at the same time. I can appreciate the deviation from pretty much every norm for sure.

For the more popular stuff, probably the second most likely for me to watch is My Hero Academia. The artstyle is just varied enough to make it feel better. Sometimes the hero outfits get a little weird, but most of the time they’re alright. What I’m really here for is the base character designs under them. Deku is an amazing average protagonist character design, who definitely looks average but still unique enough to not look boring. Designs like that are hard to come by, because it’s so much easier to use more over-the-top unique elements to make the main character unique. Doing more with less is always preferable though. I could list off all the characters and all, but beyond Deku I really would just be saying things like “The guy who looks like a crow or whatever.” Except for Tsuyu. Tsuyu is best girl, and if you don’t draw her mouth wide enough I’ll be sorely disappointed in you. I think there isn’t a single character I love more from a property I don’t engage with at all. To be honest, I don’t think there’s a serious chance for me really wanting to get into it, though, mainly because I’m intimidated by that little shitstain with the weird latex ball mohawk. As I’ve heard, he’s the walking “pervert” joke type. Could be wrong. I hope so.

The most likely is another Academia, that being Little Witch Academia. It looks adorable as all hell, and the fantasy elements look classically fun, being a sort of bubbly spin on the more generic Harry Potter-type stuff you might imagine for a witch/wizard school. I’ve heard that any Studio Trigger series is animated very well, but somewhat lacking in the story department, but as I said before I can very easily enjoy a simple story with great animation in front of it, so it really seems super up my alley. Plus, it’s just like, ON Netflix. I could literally just boot it up any second and start watching. 

I usually try to organize these paragraphs/lists in ascending order of interest, but I gotta break that for something that’s super half-and-half, and sort of the one that triggered me to want to finally write down all this junk. Madoka Magica is occasionally really cool, with the absurd and bizarre imagery of each Witch and Labyrinth, and I seriously love that part. But… Then it turns to the characters, which I honestly hate looking at multiple times more than the average anime character. Maybe it was somehow intentional, but their faces seriously look like those drawn by kids just starting out trying to draw anime, but just barely adjusted to look more polished for the sake of decency. I’m also not really into the story, being this massive juxtaposition of cutesy little magical girl antics and hellish demonic nonsense and brutal events. Trust me, I’m not the one to shy away from intense, adult stuff in animation, but I feel like the two extremes are almost too far apart from each other to really get into. That, and the magical girl dresses they each transform into was the specific inspiration for me mentioning designs that feel like they’re too set on doing one thing that it hinders their overall design. The yellow girl’s dress looks pretty cool though, since she has those weird poofy shoulder things, another character design trait I love. I just had to mention it because of how crazy interesting the Witches and Labyrinths are. 

I just remembered Sailor Moon existed as I was writing that, and I’m not insanely opposed to looking into it. It might fight with Dragonball for the title of most classic anime ever. It also looks kind of cutesy-fun, which I can enjoy, but I definitely would expect it being a bit old to be its downfall. The artstyle alone gives me some vicarious nostalgia, even though I’ve never engaged with anything styled like it (and honestly believe it’s objectively worse than the anime style that’s more common nowadays). People as a whole seem to be nostalgic about it, so it’s kind of hard not to also feel it a little bit. As I said, though, I do kinda hate it compared to modern stuff. Same thing applies to Dragonball and really anything of Toryiama’s work. I can see the nostalgia from other people, but I just don’t like it.

I’m sure there are others that are just barely being forgotten about, but you get the point.

So yeah, that’s basically why I hate anime except I talk more about the anime I do like instead of hating on it as a whole. Believe it or not, when I like animation, I truly do like it, regardless of whatever form it is. But still, anime as a whole is not at all my thing. Feed me my generic Disney Channel “Calarts” SJW shlock instead. 

[hopefulfestivaltastemaker]

September 13, 2020

My weekly roundup of things I am working on. Topics include wildfires, exotic energy sources, speculative energy sources, the Biden housing plan, and creative outlets.

Wildfires in Oregon

Oregon, along with the rest of the West Coast, has been in the news for devastating wildfires that are still ongoing. This is certainly the worst I have experienced, much worse that the 2017 fires in California. Both Oregon and California are having their worst seasons on record.

In Oregon, it started last Monday, when a strong (and unseasonably early) east wind came over an already dry state, drying the air further and spreading fires rapidly. The Portland metro area experienced sporadic bad air quality on Monday and Tuesday, and it has been consistently bad since Wednesday. Today is no noticeable improvement. The weather forecast is for clouds on Monday and some rain on Tuesday, which should finally bring about some improvement.

So far there have been dozens of deaths in the West and several dozen more people unaccounted for and significant property damage. My guess is that most of the damage will be harder to see: the impact of the poor air quality on people who are already vulnerable. These events bring about yet more disruption in a region that has already been reeling from the pandemic, economic hardship, and civil unrest.

I made a facetious remark on Twitter about solar radiation management, but I really have been struck at how much the weather has cooled down. The temperature is at least 20 degrees (F) cooler than it should have been, due to soot particles reflecting sunlight. In my neighborhood, the light-sensitive streetlights are on during the day. I can look directly at the Sun without hurting my eyes. Needless to say, I will need to be convinced that any solar radiation management scheme will not significantly harm air quality before I will believe it’s a good idea.

If anyone is actually reading this, I would implore you not to use the fires merely as a talking point for your pet climate policy. This is something that irritates me greatly. In the immediate term, we need relief and a stronger firefighting force. In the medium term, we need better forest management practices. Greenhouse gas mitigation helps only marginally in the long term. Don’t try to tell me that building a bike lane in New York City is the solution we in the West are looking for. Once the fires are extinguished, most climate activists will lose interest in our land use needs and move on to the next disaster.

Exotic Energy Sources

This week I added an Exotic Energy section to Urban Cruise Ship. I had been considering this for a long time, and I went ahead and did it mainly because I have been stuck on some harder projects and wanted to do something relatively easy. There are no graphics planned, as I don’t see the topic as important enough to justify assigning more work to our graphics guy, but there are a few interesting things.

One recurring scheme is various ways to capture piezoelectricity, which is generated through pressure on a surface, such as when people walk over a plate or cars drive over it. One study in Australia found that with more advanced generators, an educational building at Macquarie University might recover 0.5% of its electricity usage by installing generators at high traffic points. With technology that was current at the time of the study, it’s probably more like 0.06%.

As for roadways, I cited several studies that report levelized costs of electricity in the range of multiple dollars per kilowatt-hour (wholesale prices tend to be in the range of 3-6 cents/kWh and retail on the order of 10 cents). The exception was a California study that reported 8-20 cents/kWh, which as far as I can tell is just an uncritical repetition of claims from the vendor. Also not discussed is the fact the source of energy is kinetic energy from cars, so unless the car is braking, the generators are stealing energy from motorists. We might as well be using diesel generators then.

If I were to make a guess, the pilot project is little more than California burning several million dollars on a patently unworkable scheme because of some marketing by a shady vendor. I’m all for trying bold ideas that are not guaranteed to succeed, but one must draw the line at ideas that clearly won’t succeed or where basic feasibility questions haven’t even been asked.

Biomechanical energy harvesting is an idea that got a bit of hype a few years ago, but now few people seem to still be interested. Making some extremely generous assumptions, I estimated that it would have a theoretical of about 1 exajoule per year, or about 0.2% of primary energy supply. More medium-case assumptions would cut that by at least a factor of five. Plus that doesn’t account for extra exertion required by the person or embodied energy in the devices.

There are probably some niche use cases for piezoelectric generators and biomechanical systems, such as low power distributed sensors and personal electronics respectively.

I even commented on the power from rainfall paper earlier in the year, an idea too silly to take seriously.

Speculative Energy Sources

But even with the above we’re not done. I decided to venture into the realm of speculative physics.

In quantum physics, even a system with zero temperature must have some latent energy due to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. This has been termed the zero point. So naturally that leads people to speculate that zero point energy could be harvested for useful purposes. The near-consensus seems to be that this is impossible, that it must violate thermodynamics somehow, though I found it surprisingly difficult to find a rigorous explanation of why this is the case. This paper from 2019 is all I found, and even then, it only rules out two of three proposed ZPE extraction methods based on thermodynamic principles. Incidentally, the authors hold a patent on the third method and claim there is inconclusive evidence that it works.

Additionally, there is the NASA Eagleworks project to use the quantum vacuum to develop a spacecraft that can operate without onboard propellant.

There is a lot of interesting physics here that I don’t understand. I was expecting to write a short, dismissive comment for the website, but it would seem that ZPE is a legitimate area of scientific research. Maybe this will actually work for energy production someday. But there is no solid evidence yet, and any claims of a currently working ZPE device can be safely rejected.

Some other ideas that pop up, based in speculative physics, including hydrinos, neutrinos, quark fusion, and the ever popular perpetual motion machine. At least neutrinos and quark fusion are legitimate physics, but as far as useful energy production goes, these are all pathological ideas. I’ll add more as I see them. I briefly covered cold fusion a while ago on the Fusion page.

I expect that when the site is finally done, of the many things people could fairly accuse me of, not being comprehensive will not be one of them.

The Biden Housing Plan

Evidently I am a few weeks late, but the Biden-Harris campaign has a housing plan. The tl;dr is that there might be a few good things here, but I’m not too impressed.

When it comes to housing affordability, the principle I’ve tried to reiterate over and over again is that it comes down to supply. If there are 1,000,000 people who want to live in a city with a zoned capacity for 800,000, then 200,000 people will not be able to live there. It doesn’t matter if you impose rent control, eviction moratoria, inclusionary zoning rules, offer Section 8 or other subsidies, or whatever. As long as the supply is fixed, all these do is change the rationing mechanism from price to something else. Which, it must be acknowledged, is often the intent.

Traditionally, the federal government has a limited role in zoning. That could change of course; the federal government today has major roles in many areas where it previously had a limited or no role. As it is now, I see two plausible hooks for federal involvement in the near term. The first is the Fair Housing Act, where it can be argued fairly convincingly that zoning rules have disparate impact on protected groups, and in some cases intentional impact; and the second is to tie zoning reform to federal Community Development Block Grants or transportation funding, where reform is a matter of insuring that federal spending is actually used effectively.

The Biden plan calls for reinstatement of the Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which while imperfect, I think is better than what the Trump Administration decided to go with, which is nothing. As for the second, I momentarily got my hopes up when I saw that they were promoting legislation to do just that. But upon reading the details of the HOME Act (which was introduced last year but I was unfamiliar with until now), I see that the list of measures the bill calls for to promote “inclusive land use” are wide-ranging, and only some of them can reasonably be expected to increase the housing supply. It could be a good piece of legislation, but much rides on the implementation. Zoning reform advocates at the state level routinely underestimate the creativity that municipalities will show in evading the intent of their laws.

Anyway, there is a lot of other stuff here on racial discrimination, energy efficiency, and the Davis-Bacon Act (which probably makes housing less affordable by running up construction costs), but I won’t belabor the issues. All in all, it’s a plan that reflects the set Democratic interests pretty well, has a lot of stuff in it, and would do little to achieve broad-based housing affordability.

Creative Outlets

Like many people, I have been continuing to struggle with a variety of stressful circumstances. I took more time than usual this week on some creative projects, which has helped.

The newest one I am calling Project Epsilon, which for now is a maze generator. I’ve long had a fascination with generative content, and I would like to see how far the concept can be taken, but for now it is really just for fun. It is not deployed, but someone knowledgeable with Python and Flask in particular can download and run it fairly easily. Not that there is much to see yet. All it does it let the user input a few parameters and make a maze.

The other is Repair the Cosmos, which is deployed but hasn’t been updated publicly in a long time, despite considerable local activity. This is an incremental game that is meant to tell the story of humanity from the Paleolithic to the far future. I started it in January and have been working very intermittently since then, but I finally have a burst of creativity going for the first time in months. I still expect at least a few weeks before the next update, and I can only go for so long before I start feeling guilty about not doing real work.

[duhragonball]

[FIC] Green Christmas (Luffa Annual 1)

Normal Brain: Write a Coffee Shop AU

Big Brain: With my own OC’s

Galaxy Brain: Set it in Japan to make it harder.

Cosmic Brain: Also, it’s a Christmas story.

Disclaimer: This story features characters and concepts based on Dragon Ball, which is a trademark of Bird Studio/Shueisha and Toei Animation.   This is an unauthorized work, and no profit is being made on this work by me. This story is copyright of me. Download if you like, but please don’t archive it without my permission. Don’t be shy.

Continuity Note: About 1000 years before the events of Dragon Ball Z.   This story is set on a Monday.

[December 23, 2019.   Kiyosu, Japan.]

There was a very light drizzle outside.   It didn't snow often in Kiyosu, and when it did, it usually happened in February, not December.  

"It's a shame, y'know?   This is a romantic time of year.    Just once, it'd be nice to have a White Christmas without having to head out to Shirakawago or someplace up north."

Yamcha was a regular at the Emerald Eye Cafe.   He liked to chat while he paid for his order.   Every year around Christmas, he would wax poetic about the lack of snowfall in the Aichi Prefecture, and speak idly about someday taking a trip to a ski resort in Hokkaido.   Zatte didn't know if he would ever make the trip.    She only knew that he visited her store nearly every day, and she suspected that he enjoyed talking about snow and travel than the actual experience.      He had a large iced milk coffee and a potato salad sandwich, which came to 1260 yen.  

Zatte never minded the lack of snow.   It meant one less obstacle to the day-to-day routine.   She didn't know how people got along in snowy parts of the world, and she wasn't terribly interested in finding out.    Christmas was Christmas whether it snowed or not.    The sound system in the cafe was playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony for the fourth time that day, and she had been selling Christmas cakes for the better part of the month.   Half of her customers spoke excitedly of their plans for the holiday, and the absence of snow didn't seem to discourage any of them.   And then there was her "favorite" tradition of the season.    

"... might call her up tonight and see if she wants to check out the lights downtown.   You know, keep it casual.    How about you?   You got any big plans for Christmas?"  

Zatte shook her head.    "Maybe," she said.   She had learned a long time ago that this was the best way to keep conversations short.    Yamcha might have had unlimited time to talk, but she needed to head back to the kitchen at some point.     Answering "no" only invited a polite argument.   "Come on... I'm sure a young lady like yourself must have something to do on Christmas!" and so on.    Answering "yes" was a lie, and it only invited the other person to press for details that didn't exist.    

"Maybe, huh?"   Yamcha replied.    He finally fished the money out of his wallet and laid it on the counter.    "Well, that's better than nothing, after all.    Hang in there."    

"Out of 1500 yen, 240 yen and your receipt," Zatte said, handing him a few coins and a slip of paper.    

"Radical.    Well, I'll get out of your hair," Yamcha said.   "Thanks!"

She relaxed a bit when he left the store.    Truthfully, he was one of the best customers--courteous, patient, and easy to please.   Outside of work, he was probably an okay person to hang out with, if you liked hanging out with middle-aged civil servants.       But in a customer service setting, life was all about getting the clients' orders filled and getting them on their way with as little fuss as possible.    Zatte didn't think of herself as an introvert, but working retail seemed to have a funny way of making her feel like one for a few hours.

She supposed that it would be kind of fun to be chummy with the regulars, but the fact was that she had too many responsibilities behind the counter.    She had to count the money later.   The tables would need to be wiped down.     Fresh muffins had to go on the display.    The cook would probably need help, sooner or later.    The customers saw this place as her home, and she was a hostess providing companionship in addition to food and a place to relax.    That was the business model, of course, but it was still a business.  

She chided herself for feeling grumpy, but decided that she had at least kept an even keel through the morning.  The key was to accept the bad moods when they came, so long as she put on a pleasant face for the customers.   They had their own lives and their own problems, after all.    It wasn't fair to them--or profitable for her-- to burden them with her own troubles.    

*******

Two hours later, she was reminded of one of those troubles.    

"You haven't seen Roshi at all today, have you?"  

A shiver ran down Zatte's spine at the name.   "Not today, why?"    

Krillin took his latte from her and shrugged slightly.    "Well, let's just say I need to talk to him about something," he said evenly.   Krillin was a police officer, which tended to inform statements like these, but he still felt a need to be as discreet as possible.    

"Did something happen?" Zatte asked.    

"Hey, you've gotten really good at making pictures with the foam," Krillin said.   He pointed at the surface of his drink.   "It looks just like that guy from One Piece."

"Thanks," Zatte said.   "I'm still trying to get the hang of it, but luckily he's not too tough to draw.   He's good practice."    

"I oughta watch that show sometime," Krillin said.    "Everyone at the station keeps saying I sound like the guy, but I don't even know anything about it.    What's his name?   'Luffa' or something.    No, hold on, that was the girl who used to be your cook, wasn't it?"  

"Uh, yeah," Zatte said.    She was sorely tempted to use "maybe", but that seemed kind of pointless here.    Luffa was something of a legend at the Emerald Eye.    Even if Krillin hadn't remembered her name, he would still know her reputation, so there was no point pretending she didn't exist.    

"Whatever happened to her, anyway?" Krillin asked.    He took a sip of his latte and added: "Nothing against the new guy, but she made the best danishes.   And that egg salad!    Boy, I could go for some of that right about now."  

"Would you like me to get you--?" Zatte started to ask, but Krillin shook his head.    

"Nah, it just wouldn't be the same," he said.    "Something about the spices.   Paprika, I think.    Better to live with the memories."    

"Understood," Zatte said, though she really didn't understand at all.  

"Anyway, I'll be around for a little while, but if you see Roshi later, let me know, all right?   And... don't tell him I said anything."  

"Of course," Zatte said.   As Krillin turned and went to his usual seat, Zatte wondered what sort of trouble that man had gotten into this time.    It was always something with him.   She wanted to believe that this time would be different, but somehow he always managed to get away with his bad behavior.    

Later, as luck would have it, Roshi did stumble into the cafe.   "Well hell-oooooooo, nurse!" he crooned as he staggered to the counter.    The stench of alcohol on his breath was unmistakable.    Public drinking was legal in Japan, though Roshi seemed to consider this license to make an ass of himself whenever he pleased.  

"Can I help you?" Zatte said, struggling to maintain her composure.  

"Well, you see," Roshi said with a mischievous grin, "It's my nose.    It's awfully cold this time of year, and I was hoping I could... heh-heh-heh... warm it up."

Zatte looked toward Krillin's seat, ready and eager to call out to him.    But it was empty.    Had he already left?  

"Now I know this is a coffee shop and all, but I don't think hot beverages will do the trick here.    No, sir.   I was thinking more along the lines of..." He held up his hands to pantomime the act of shoving his face into a pair of large breasts.   Then he started smiling, like he had just suggested the most brilliant idea, ever.

Zatte wasn't sure that what she felt for this man qualified as hate, or pity, or revulsion.    She only knew that he was a pathetic old man, who seemed to think his crudeness was quaint, or charming in some way.   He was sorely mistaken, and she wanted him out of the store, permanently.    Did that mean she wanted him dead?    The thought of this worried Zatte, more for her own sake than for his.    

"Sir, if you want something, you'll need to place an order," she said through clenched teeth.   Below the countertop, her right hand clenched into a fist.

"Oh, well in that case," Roshi said, "I'd like to buy a pair of... heh-heh-heh... panties please!   Used ones, of course!"    

Zatte wanted him dead.   If that reflected negatively on her character, then so be it.    If Roshi had a heart attack and died right in front of her, she was sure she would feel relieved instead of sad.   It wasn't even the harassment so much as the fact that he used the same five or six lines every time he came into the store.   He wants to "puff-puff", he wants someone's panties, he wants to have coffee in the ladies' restroom, he wants to take showers with any woman in the store, and so on.   Roshi embodied the absolute worst qualities of customers.   He seemed to thrive on the power of going into shops and forcing cashiers and waitstaff to listen to his crude and pointless jabber, precisely because they had little choice but to put up with it.  

And then, just as Roshi was telling the one about putting his grimy hands on someone's buttocks, Krillin stepped out of the men's room.    "Oh, there you are," he said as he noticed Roshi at the counter.    

"Eh?   Krillin?    What are you doing here?" Roshi asked.    His jovial tone was suddenly gone.  He almost sounded sober.    Almost.

"We got another complaint about you," Krillin said with a sigh.   "That maid cafe you keep messing around with."

"Th-that was just a joke!" Roshi protested.    "Can't an old man have a bit of harmless fun anymore?"

"That girl you were picking on didn't think it was so harmless," Krillin grumbled.   "Look, I have to take you down to the station."

"What?   You can't do that!"   He tried to run out the door, but Krillin caught up to him before he could get there.  

"Just settle down," Krillin said.     "Don't make this any more difficult than it already is."

This only made Roshi even more difficult than he already was.    Eventually, Krillin managed to get the handcuffs on him, and he frog-marched Roshi out the door.   By the time they left, everyone in the shop was staring.     With Krillin and Roshi now gone, that left them no one to look at but Zatte.    

"Uh, sorry for the disturbance," she said awkwardly.    She wasn't sure how to feel about what had just happened, but she hoped that this meant Roshi wouldn't be back for a long time.   That should have made her feel more at ease, but somehow she felt more tense than before.

*******

More than anything, Zatte just wanted some normal customers.    She was starting to miss Yamcha, but then Tien entered the store, and she felt a sense of relief.    Of all of her regulars, he was one of the easiest to deal with.    

"Hello," he said evenly.  

"How can I help you, sir?"  she asked pleasantly.    

He gestured to the smaller man who had followed him into the store.   Zatte had never seen a little person before, but she was pretty sure this man was small enough to qualify as one.    

"This is my brother, Chiaotzu," he explained.   "I've been showing him around while he's in town."  

"Pleased to make your acquaintance," she said with a slight bow.  

Chiaotzu did not move.    

"I get my coffee here after work," Tien said to him.    "Black, please.    No sugar."

"Of course," Zatte said.    "And for your brother?"

"Ice cream cafe au lait," Chiaotzu said after a pregnant pause.   He never blinked.   He just stared at Zatte as though gazing into her soul.    

"Certainly.   Your total is 1140 yen."

They paid and she brought the drinks to their table a few minutes later.    Zatte forgot about them after that, until she happened to look up while counting the money in the register.   Chiaotzu was still staring at her.   His expression was completely neutral.    

What made it even stranger was how normally Tien behaved by contrast.    He was facing away from Zatte, but he was moving his head and arms like anyone having a normal conversation.    If he even noticed Chiaotzu staring past him, he didn't seem to care.  

She tried to ignore him, but this proved more difficult than she imagined.    Every time she happened to glance in his direction, there he was, still staring, never moving.    The cup in front of him was already empty.    At some point he must have drank his au lait, but Zatte had no idea when that could have happened.    

What was it about his eyes?   Those bottomless, pitiless eyes?   Looking at them just made her realize how pale his complexion was, like one of those stories about a vampire secretly living among humans.   She was grateful for the next few customers who came in, as they gave her something else to think about, if only for a few minutes at a time.    

She turned away from the counter to tidy up her workspace, and when she looked around again, he was suddenly standing there, glaring at her through the display glass.  

"Orange cranberry muffins," Chiaotzu said.  

"Huh?" Zatte said, trying to hide how much he had startled her.  

He pressed his face up to the glass.   By this time of day, the display case was nearly empty, as the demand for baked goods was too low to justify making more.  "Do you still sell them?   Or did you just run out?"  Chiaotzu asked.    

"Um, we stopped selling them," Zatte said.    "We, uh, changed cooks a while ago.    So we changed the menu.   I'm sorry."

Chiaotzu never took his eyes off her, and after a long pause, he finally uttered: "Oh.   That's too bad."

"There you are," Tien said as he walked up to the counter.    "Come on, Chiaotzu, we need to get going."

Chiaotzu turned and followed him out the door, and Zatte was never so grateful to see the back of someone's head.    He was bald, so she half expected a second pair of eyes to be there waiting for her.   Instead, he turned back toward her, just as he stepped through the door.  

"Thanks for the coffee," he said, though his expression looked more like he should be accusing Zatte of desecrating his own empty grave.

When he was finally gone, she glanced down at the display case.    Luffa used to restock it herself, multiple times a day.    It was a welcome distraction from the rigors of the day, even though she only popped out of the kitchen for a minute or two.   She would have whispered something like "Get a load of that guy," to her, and they would have shared a quiet chuckle over it.  

But Luffa was gone, and the new cook was fine, even if he wasn't quite as good, or fast, or popular with the customers.    It made the workday slower, but Zatte was determined not to let that get in her way.    She considered herself a survivor, someone who could adapt and endure anything life threw at her.    All that mattered was getting through the day and closing up the shop, and then getting through tomorrow, and the day after, and so on.    She didn't need Luffa, or anyone else to do that.  

At least, that was what she told herself.  

*******

Keda usually got home from school by 3:45 P.M.   Today, she returned an hour early.    Zatte wanted to know why, but there were too many customers for her to ask, and Keda walked straight through the swinging gate at the counter, and into the door that led to the upstairs apartment where they lived.  

Ten minutes later, she came back down, having swapped her school uniform for a blue "Emerald Eye" apron.   Under that, she wore one of her collection of T-shirts commemorating various professional wrestlers.   This one said "NIGHTMARE ANGELS" in English, with the words "KNEE THE ELITE" in smaller text.    Zatte was grateful that the apron kept the customers from seeing the entire shirt, and she hoped most of them didn't know enough English to be able to read it and wonder what it meant.    She was pretty sure Keda would try to explain it if someone asked, but no one did, and Zatte was grateful for this as well.    

"Need some help?" Keda asked.  

"Why are you out of school so early?" Zatte asked as she finished handing someone their change.    

"They let us out early," Keda said.   "It's the Emperor's Birthday."  

"Not anymore," Zatte said.   "The Emperor abdicated, remember?   The new Emperor's birthday won't be until February."

"Well, we convinced the school that it wasn't fair," Keda said with a shrug.   "I mean, December 23rd is a good place for a holiday, isn't it?    Right before Christmas.    The new Emperor can't help being born in February, but it's not right that we don't have an Emperor's Birthday holiday in 2019.   It just seems disrespectful, doesn't it?   So the student council talked it over with the faculty, and we agreed to let out two hours early as a compromise."

"Why can't you just say you cut classes like all the other kids?" Zatte grumbled.  

"Because that's not what happened," Keda said.   "Can I help it if the President of the Student Council likes my ideas?    Can I help it if the faculty is really open to suggestions?"  

She picked up a small cup and put less than fifty milliliters of hazelnut coffee in it from the dispenser behind the cash register.   Keda smelled it, but decided it was too hot to drink.    This was part of her after-school ritual.  

"I wish you'd stop doing that," Zatte said.    

"Everyone says it's an acquired taste," Keda said.    "I'm almost twelve, Zatte.   In a few years, boys are gonna want to take me to coffee shops.    I mean, not this one, that'd be kind of awkward.   Getting waited on by your own sister.    But a coffee shop, and I need to be ready to drink coffee by then."  

"Now if only I could get you to put that kind of dedication into your schoolwork," Zatte said.    

"Oh, I've got that under control," Keda said.    "You see my grades, right?   I've got a high school picked out and everything.    But none of that matters if a boy buys me a coffee and I start gagging at the first sip."

As she said this, Keda decided her drink was cool enough, and she carefully raised it to her lips.    She winced, but managed to swallow it, though the face she made indicated that it was an unpleasant achievement.    "Ugh.   Okay... okay... I'm getting there."

"Why would you want to go on a coffee date anyway?" Zatte asked.   "Just tell a boy that you work at a cafe and you'd rather see a movie instead."  

"That's the beauty of it!" Keda explained.   "If he takes me to a coffee shop, it's like I'm on my own turf.    It gives me the advantage.   I can say all sorts of things during the date, like how they get the caffeine out of decaf, or how the cappuccino machine works.    They'll think I'm super-sophisticated that way.   If I'm at a movie I'm totally out of my element.   You really need to read more  Sun Tzu, Zatte."  

"Sun Tzu?"   Zatte asked, bewildered.   "Are you trying to date a boy or kill him?"

"Never mind me," Keda said.    "I'll bet you're excited today."  

"About what?" Zatte asked.  

"About Luffa, dummy," Keda said.  

"Luffa who?" Zatte grumbled.   "You mean our ex-cook who walked out on us and barely ever stops by?"

"Oh, come on," Keda said.    "You know how busy she is, and she's on the road constantly."    

"And now that she just happens to be in the area, I'm supposed to be giddy about it?"    Zatte asked.    "It's not like she's coming to see me, Keda.   You're her biggest fan."  

"Come on, you miss her too," Keda said.   "She's your best friend."

"No, she's not," Zatte said.   "I mean, of course she's my friend, but not like... Don't you have homework to do?"

"Nope," Keda said.    

"Then shouldn't you be watching your show?"   Zatte asked.    

"It doesn't start until five," Keda said.  

"All right then, go bus some tables," Zatte said, and then tossed a washcloth at her.   Keda nodded with a shrug and then headed off to begin her assignment.

*******

Exactly two hours and fifteen minutes later, Keda had vanished from the shop.    Zatte was never sure if she was doing a good job raising her little sister.   It often felt like Keda was raising herself, and acting out just enough to make Zatte feel like she was involved in the process.    The girl was extremely smart for her age, and she helped out with the cafe, so it seemed unfair to criticize her for being nosy or presumptuous.   It was hard to tell whether she was being too strict on Keda or not strict enough.  

No, Keda wasn't what had her on edge.    It was Luffa.  Zatte did miss her, but not in a way she particularly cared to admit to anyone else.   And with Luffa away from the cafe, essentially out of their lives, it seemed pointless to admit anything now.   Better to go on like it hadn't mattered.   Better to be strong and independent, and hope that everyone accepted the image of Zatte as an independent, responsible shopkeeper.   It wasn't always a satisfying life, but at least it was her own, and it couldn't be taken away by someone when they moved on to other things.  

As much as she appreciated the new cook, she had to suppress a certain resentment towards him.   It wasn't his fault that he didn't have the same level of culinary talent.    Or that he didn't have that same wild look in his eye.    Or that the apron didn't frame the small of his back the right way.   Or (let's face it) that he was a 'he.'   So Zatte was never sure if she was too hard on the guy, or if she was too easy on him because she was trying not to be too hard on him.   Now that she thought about it, she had the same trouble with Luffa back in the day, for completely opposite reasons.  

It was distracting and depressing, and she wasn't sure how she would feel about it, and she just wanted some work to do so she could think about something else.  

*******

Gradually, more customers came into the store as offices started to close for the evening.   It always struck Zatte as odd that people would want coffee so late in the day, but she supposed that they were all trying to fight off the tiredness from the workday, even if it cost them a few hours of sleep later in the night.  

By 8:00 P.M., Zatte had convinced herself that she had nearly forgotten about whats-her-name, and she had settled into a steady routine of taking orders, making change, and handing out drinks.    Then a middle-aged couple threw off the entire rhythm.  The wife had been very concise with her order, but her husband was holding up the line while he tried to decide what he wanted.  

"Now, lemme see here," he said as he looked at the menu and thoughtfully rubbed his chin with his thumb.   "Oh, you've got pork fillet cutlets?   I'll take two of them, and.... the egg sandwich... and... hmmm.   Wow, you've got chili dogs?   That's awesome!   Three chili dogs, please!"

"Um... will there be anything else?"   Zatte asked, unsure if she really wanted to know.   His wife seemed to feel the same way.  

"Goku, you'll never be able to eat all of that," she groaned.  

"Sure I will!" he insisted.   "I had a light lunch today, so..."

The look on his wife's face suggested that this was not even remotely true.     Zatte decided it was better to just ring them up and get their money before she could talk him out of it.  

"It will take some time to prepare all of this, you understand," Zatte said to Goku.  

"Aw, don't worry about that," Goku said.    "Take as long as you need.   Me 'n' Chi-Chi will be so busy playing with the rabbits that we probably won't even notice!"

"Rabbits?" Zatte asked.    

"Where do ya keep those guys, anyway?" Goku asked.    He began looking around in every direction, which made all of the cowlicks in his hair that much harder to ignore.   "Oh, crap, we forgot to order lettuce so we'd have somethin' to feed 'em!"

Chi-Chi's face began to turn red, and Zatte finally began to understand what he was talking about.

"Sir," Zatte said, "This isn't a rabbit cafe."

"It's not?" Goku asked.   "Well, you've at least got a cat or something, right?"

"No, we just serve coffee and food."

"Goku, we talked about this on the way here..." Chi-Chi grumbled.

Goku crossed his arms and lowered his head, and it was hard to tell if he was pouting or contemplating his predicament.   "Darn.   Well, you still got chili dogs.   I guess that'll just have to do."

"I... apologize for the inconvenience," Zatte said.   She had never meant that sentence less than she did in this moment.  

*******

Ten minutes later, Keda was downstairs in the shop again, sitting at one of the booths and scribbling notes while she read from a textbook.    When asked, she would insist that this wasn't homework that had been assigned, and she was simply working ahead in anticipation of future assignments.   Zatte was too exasperated with this explanation to dispute it.   By now, business had slowed down considerably, with only a few stragglers coming in for quick to-go orders.    At one of the tables, Goku was still finishing the feast he had ordered while his wife played a game on her phone and tried not to look too embarrassed.  Finally, the couple got up to leave, and as they did, the doors swung open, and someone else entered the shop.

"Luffa!" Keda shouted.    She practically jumped out of the booth and ran up to meet her.  

"Hey, kid!" Luffa replied.   She had been holding a gym bag, but dropped it so she could return Keda's embrace.    

Zatte had been unloading the dishwasher when Luffa entered, and she looked over to see her.   Luffa was wearing a pair of zubaz--baggy gym pants with a zebra-striped pattern--and a satin jacket with a steakhouse logo printed on the front.    There was a smear of green around her lips, and even her teeth had a green stain on them.    Once, Luffa had worn her hair long, but now it was cut very short and seemed to stand on end.    And she had colored it an unnatural shade of yellow, far more vivid than blonde.  

"You beat Ribrianne!"  Keda said excitedly.    "That puts your score up to 10 points!"

"Hey, don't sound so surprised," Luffa said.  

"I thought she had you near the end," Keda said.   "You looked like you were nearly out of it, and then you reversed that suplex into a head-scissors... how did you do that?"

Luffa puffed out her chest and jabbed her sternum with her thumb.    "What do you mean how?    I'm the Golden Ace, aren't I?"

"Well yeah," Keda said, "but you lost to Hop last week."

Luffa grimaced like she had accidentally swallowed a bug.   "She cheated.    That doesn't count."

"Well, the tournament rules say it does count, but now that you've got ten points, you've got a strong chance of winning.   There's still some tiebreaker scenarios to consider, but personally I like your chances."

"Ugh," Luffa said.   "I'm glad you can make sense of the scores.   You know, these round-robin tournaments are great, right until you have to figure out whether you're winning or losing.   Is Kale still in the running, or did she get eliminated?"

Keda pointed to a group of armchairs at one corner of the cafe.    "Come on," she said, "I'll walk you through the scenarios."  

Luffa followed her, waving to Zatte as she passed by.   As she did this, she nearly bumped into Goku as he and his wife were on their way to the door.   They exchanged a look, and for a split second, Zatte was worried that it might become awkward.   Luffa almost looked like she was sizing him up for a fight.    She couldn't read Goku at all, but she assumed he was mostly intrigued by her loud costume.    

For some reason, the sound system in the store was playing a metal cover of "Carol of the Bells".    Zatte didn't know how that had gotten added to the holiday playlist.  

"Cool hair!" Goku finally said.  

"Hey, thanks," Luffa said.    

And then they went their separate ways.    

The music system abruptly switched to "Here Comes Santa Claus," perhaps the most tension-free Christmas song of all.

"Now then," Luffa said to Keda as she collapsed into one of the armchairs.    "Let's get down to business."

Keda was tapping a notepad with a pen, looking more like Luffa's accountant than a young fan.    "Right, well, obviously, if you can win all of your next matches, you'll be a shoo-in to win the tournament.   But even if you lose two more, there's still a chance of squeaking by.    The only thing I'm worried about is you tying with Hop."

"She cheated," Luffa grumbled.    

"It doesn't matter," Keda said.  "If you both tie on points, she wins the tiebreaker, since she has a win over you.   But if Ribrianne beats her, that'll set up a possible four-way tie with Videl.   Then you'd win, because you'd have the best record among the four of you."

"Sounds like I should just win the rest of my matches," Luffa said after digesting what Keda had said.  

"Just promise me you'll stay in the ring when you face Sorrel," Keda pleaded.   "She always tricks her opponents into getting counted out, and I know how much you like to fight in the crowd."

"What I like," Luffa said with a sadistic grin, "is having the referee out of my way.    If Sorrel thinks a twenty-count will save her from me, then she's already lost."

"But if you get counted out, you could lose the tournament!" Keda protested.    "Then you won't get a shot at the All-Pacific Championship!"

"Hah!   If someone like Sorrel can beat me," Luffa said, "then I don't deserve the title.    It's that simple.   Besides, she's not the only one with a trick up her sleeve."   She pointed at her mouth, which had smears of green dye around it.    

"When are you gonna teach me how to do the poison mist?" Keda asked.  

"I keep telling you, kid," Luffa said, "it's a sacred technique.    I can't just teach it to anybody."

Zatte approached them and cleared her throat to get their attention.    "Sorry to interrupt this strategy conference, but I thought the 'Golden Ace' might be hungry."     She held up a chicken salad sandwich and a to-go cup of coffee, which Luffa accepted with relish.  

"You're a lifesaver," Luffa said with a smile.  "I haven't eaten since before the show started."

"You'd think SPARKING! could afford catering for their events," Zatte said.    

"They do," Luffa said as she unwrapped the sandwich.   "I just don't like to eat so close to bell time.     Makes me nervous.   Too many stories out there about guys pooping their pants during matches."  

"Ewwww!" Keda said.  "Really?"  

"I've never run into it myself," Luffa said, "but you hear about it.    I almost threw up during a match, so I believe it."

"Was it because you swallowed posion mist?" Keda asked.  

"Huh?  Oh, no way," Luffa said with her mouth full.    "I... well, I built up an immunity to that a long time ago."

Keda began scratching her chin thoughtfully.   "Immunity... so that's it."

"What do I owe you?" Luffa asked Zatte.    

"It's on the house," Zatte replied.    

"Oh, come on," Luffa said, "I'm making halfway decent money these days."  

Zatte pointed at Luffa's yellow-and-black striped pants.     "Then why are you dressed like you're doing your laundry?"  

"Hey, these are high fashion in my line of work," Luffa said with a smile.    She propped her black boots on the ottoman in front of the armchair.    There was an image of a playing card printed on the sides of each boot.     "Check it out," she said.    "They liked my match in Osaka so much that they paid me a little extra, and I used it to get these babies.    I can afford to live it up at the Emerald Eye Cafe."

"Don't worry about it.   Half my regulars keep asking if you'll ever come back to the kitchen," Zatte said.    "You did such a good job while you were here that I'm still making money off of it now."    

"How's the new guy working out?" Luffa asked, glancing toward the general direction of the kitchen.

"He's fine," Zatte said.   "He's not as good as you, but who could be?"

"You know, that's what I think about you," Luffa said as she took a swig of her coffee.    "I mean, there's a cafe near the dojo.   It's just not the same."

"Right."  

"Yeah."  

There was a long silence, and then Keda nudged Luffa in the arm.    "Hey, do you really think you can beat Kale next Saturday?" she asked.    

"Are you saying I can't?"   Luffa asked in a haughty tone.    

"I'm just saying you can't take her lightly," Keda said.    "That running knee she does is nothing to sneeze at."  

"Running knee," Luffa scoffed.   "Let me tell you what I'll do about that running knee..."

"I need to get back to the register," Zatte said, though she doubted anyone was listening.    

*******

Closing time at the Emerald Eye wasn't for another hour, but the kitchen shut down at nine.   The cook was saying his goodbyes to Zatte before leaving, when he happened to notice Luffa and Keda chatting.    

"Is she some kind of celebrity?" he asked.  

"Huh?  No, that's Luffa," Zatte said.    

"Oh.  What's with the hair?" he asked.    "She looks like a pop idol."

"She's a professional wrestler," Zatte explained.   "She quit working here to go work for the SPARKING! promotion.   They did a show tonight in Okazaki, so she came by to visit."

"Huh.   I thought she became a famous chef or something like that."

"No, as good a cook as she is, she only worked her to make ends meet until she could break into the business," Zatte said.   "And she's done pretty well.   I read on the internet that they're planning to make her the next All-Pacific Champion."

"I thought you have to win the championship in a match," he said.  

Zatte turned and gave him a dirty look.   "It's fake," she said.   "They decide who wins and loses ahead of time."

"Oh!   Right," he said.   "I guess it's like getting a promotion at an office job, then.   You must be happy for her."

"I don't know that it matters," Zatte said.    "This is the first time she's come back since she left.    If Keda wasn't such a big fan of this stuff, she probably wouldn't even bother.   She's moved on.   I heard she's dating some referee there.    She's got a whole new life on the road now."

"Well, I'd go over and pay my respects, but my parents are pretty upset that I haven't called home in a while, so..."  

Zatte nodded and waved.  "Yeah, sure.   See you tomorrow, Trunks."

Less than five seconds after he had walked out the door, a man walked in and asked for Christmas cake.    Zatte stifled a groan and explained that the kitchen was closed for the night.    This was spelled out on the cafe's front door, but no one ever really read that as they walked in.    

*******

At 10 P.M. Zatte switched the sign in the window to "CLOSED", and began turning off several of the lights in the store, until only the section above the armchairs was illuminated.    The Christmas lights on the trees outside were easier to see this way, and they lent a pinkish, purplish tint to the inside of the cafe.    Finally, Zatte walked over to Luffa's chair and took a bottle of soda out of her apron.    She slung the apron over the chair opposite Luffa's, then collapsed into it with a heavy sigh.    

"Long day?" Luffa asked.   It wasn't until she saw her up close that Zatte noticed how tired Luffa looked.   Keda had gone to bed a half-hour earlier, leaving Luffa by herself.   She looked like she wanted to fall asleep in the chair, but was too excited from the day's events.

"I've had worse," Zatte said, "but that was back when I had you on the staff."    

"Well, I'm off for a few days," Luffa said.    "I could give you guys a hand."

"Tempting," Zatte said.   "Keda would be thrilled, but I couldn't impose on you like that.     You've probably got plans for Christmas Eve."

"Not really," Luffa said.   "That's why I came here.    I've been touring for so long that I'm not really sure what to do with this much free time."

There was a hiss as Zatte opened the bottle on her soda, and she raised an eyebrow at Luffa's words.    "I thought you and that referee..."

Luffa looked confused for a moment, then she threw back her head and laughed.    "No, no, no," she finally said.    "That was an angle.   Part of a storyline to make people think I had an unfair advantage.    It was kind of dumb, but sometimes you gotta do what the office wants to show 'em you're a team player."

"Oh," Zatte said, somewhat embarrassed.   "Well, it looked so convincing..."

"Well that's the idea," Luffa said.   "Wait, have you been watching my matches?   I thought you didn't go for that stuff."

"Well, Keda watches them all the time anyway," Zatte explained.    "And she's got that subscription to the on-demand service on the internet.    It's about the only time we get to see you anymore, you know?   Even if it's while you're spitting green stuff all over people."

"Keda asked me to teach her how to do the poison mist," Luffa said.   "I told her I couldn't, because the recipe for the poison is too dangerous.  Merry Christmas."

"Thanks," Zatte said.   She glanced around at the walls, imagining what they would look like with green food coloring on every surface.  "When are you gonna tell her the truth about all that stuff, anyway?"

"What, that it's fake?" Luffa asked with a smile.   "I dunno, she's still pretty young.   I'll tell her next year."

"That's what you said last year," Zatte said.   "I'd do it myself, but she wouldn't believe me.    She's a smart kid, you know.   Sooner or later, she'll figure it out on her own, and that might be kind of awkward for you."

Luffa settled back in her chair and looked down at the empty cup in her hands.    "I don't know, it's cool to have someone I know who believes it's all real," she said.   "I'll have to give that up eventually, but it's tough to let go.    You saw how excited she was when I came in."

"Yeah..." Zatte said.   She took a swig from her soda and propped her feet up on the ottoman that lay between their chairs, so that their ankles alternated in an orderly row across the cushion.

"So are you really winning the title?"  Zatte asked after a long pause.   In spite of Luffa's exhaustion, her eyes lit up at the question.

"Keep it under your hat," Luffa said, lowering her voice as though worried someone might overhear, "but maybe.    That show's six weeks out, and a lot could change before then.    If someone gets injured or something, they might have to call an audible and change the card around.    But they definitely want to put the title on me at some point."   She held up both hands and crossed her fingers for emphasis.

"That's great," Zatte said.   "I mean, it is, right?   If the matches are predetermined, does the championship even matter?"

"Oh, it's a big honor," Luffa said, visibly excited at the chance to explain it.  "I mean, it's a secondary belt, and SPARKING! isn't that big a promotion, but still.   It's kind of like an actor winning an award.    The people in charge are saying they think I'm good enough to deserve that spot on the show.    I mean, two years ago I was still helping the crew put the ring together.    I still can't believe it."

"I can," Zatte said.   "You always put everything you have into whatever you do.   I always saw it when you worked here, so it doesn't shock me that other people can see it in you now."

"I've missed this place,"  Luffa said wistfully.    "That's the only trouble with being on tour so much.    I don't get to cook as often.     I saw a place selling Christmas cakes on the way here and you've probably been selling them all month without me..."

"Well, if you really want to," Zatte said, "you could give us a hand in the kitchen tomorrow.   I mean, if you really didn't have any other plans for Christmas Eve..."

"Nope, I got nothing," Luffa said.    "What about you?   Keda and I could keep an eye on the place so you can leave early."  

"We're closing early anyway," Zatte said.   "Business usually drops off pretty sharply on Christmas Eve night, so we might as well.   Besides, I can't have you waiting tables with that crazy hair.    You'd scare the customers."

"Huh?   Oh, right," Luffa said.   "You know, I've been wearing it like this for so long I'd gotten used to it.    You don't like my look?"

"It's just... very bright," Zatte said.    "It's not so bad up close, when I can see your face better, but it almost doesn't look like real hair.    It looks rough, like hay."

"It's really not," Luffa said.   She tugged on some of it to demonstrate.   "I don't even put much stuff in it to make it stick up like it does.     Here, feel this."  

Zatte shrugged and moved to the seat beside Luffa's, where she reached for the same part of her hair that Luffa was holding.   Their fingers brushed against each other, and neither of them seemed entirely sure how to react to the sensation.  

"Huh..." Zatte said as she gently touched Luffa's head.    "That's not at all what I expected."  

"Yeah," Luffa said, somewhat awkwardly.   "It's not so different from that red streak you've got in your hair, I bet."

She reached out for the side of Zatte's bob, and rubbed a strand of it between her fingers.   "Why are you blushing?" Luffa asked.    

"Oh... uh, I probably stood up too quickly," Zatte said.    

"Oh..."

They heard someone outside walking past the storefront, and suddenly became very self-conscious of holding onto each other's hair, so they quickly let go, and looked away from each other.    

"So uh..." Luffa said.    "If you're not doing anything tomorrow night..."

"I mean, I've got a reservation at Kentucky Fried Chicken, but that's it, really," Zatte said.    "Keda talked me into it.    Said I ought to do something, even if I was alone.   But if you wanted to come along..."

"Sure," Luffa said.    "I haven't had KFC in ages.    And you know, it'd give me a chance to see the lights around town."    

"They've got a new thing at the mall," Zatte said.    "Well, not new new.   It was there last year, but you wouldn't have seen it then."

"That sounds fine," Luffa said.   "Yeah."

*******

Behind the front counter, Keda observed her sister and Luffa through the glass of the display case.    It wasn't an ideal vantage, and she could barely hear what they were saying, but it was enough for her to get the gist of things, and so far things looked promising.  

There were still a lot of things that could go wrong.   Long distance relationships were always a challenge, and the professional wrestling business wasn't exactly known for fidelity, but these were factors Keda couldn't control,  and at some point it would be up to the two of them to make things work as best they could.    It was enough that Keda had gotten them to this point-- studying Luffa's tour schedule, playing the eager fan, and providing Luffa a useful excuse to visit right before a romantic holiday.    Really, the only thing she had been worried about was that the two women would have seen through Keda's "wrestling-is-real" act, but they were grown-ups, and they didn't know an eleven-year-old from an seven-year-old, not when you really got down to it.

Keda noticed Zatte reaching for Luffa's hair a second time, and decided that was her cue to withdraw.   She was playing matchmaker, not spying on them, after all.     Besides, Keda would have to rest up for tomorrow so she could help out in the store tomorrow, in order to make sure neither of them were too tired for their date.    

Quietly, Keda made her way back to the door that led to their second-story apartment.     As she  ascended the stair, she imagined how great things would be next Christmas, with a SPARKING! All-Pacific Champion in the family.    Maybe then, finally, Luffa would teach her how to spit Poison Mist.

[THE END]  

[tomasorban]

THE ZODIAC: CANCER THE CRAB

Date of Rulership: 22nd June-23rd July; Polarity: Negative, female; Quality: Cardinal; Ruling planet: Moon; Element: Water; Body part: Heart, Lungs, and stomach; Colour: Silvery Grey; Gemstone: Pearl; Metal: Silver.

In the signs thus far examined, we have seen the formative energies of life achieve expression through different mediums: initially through the spontaneity and impulsive carnal drives of Aries; then through the aesthetic kaleidoscope of meandering Taurus; and finally the subdivision of vital force under the command of Gemini which enabled an innovative, evolutionary leap of consciousness. The latter’s propensity to concurrently exist in material and ethereal worlds also made sentient an intermediary realm in which the physical and spiritual mingled. Many would understand this intermediary plane to be the unrestrained world of imagination, intuition, thinking, memory, and emotion. It binds spirit to the body, and the emancipating dialogue that ensues between the two as a result engenders far-reaching repercussions for both. It invariably shapes the bundle of psychological habits and impulses that each of us calls self. It is the god Proteus and the nymph Thetis; a primordial ocean of acute shape-shifting awareness. Sometimes one might find themselves trapped in a kaleidoscopic labyrinth of geometrical contours or in shapeless clouds. At other times, one might see a sequence of rhythms or sounds, hear colourful objects, and taste backward or previously unseen locomotion. At other times still, one can be overwhelmed or possessed by anxiety, fear, titillation, love, or relaxation one minute, and riddled by a complete absence of emotion the next. At some point it might be apparent that everything in existence comprises the skin of a gargantuan cosmic animal and at other points all created matter might appear to be discarnate and autonomous entities that simply inhabit the same cosmic space. Polarities can coalesce under a singular experience and thinking processes are transposed to concentrated levels that elude comprehension on the physical plane. Nothing is ever controlled or mediated; there is just a perpetual waxing and waning of thoughts and ideas that explode onto the sands of consciousness one minute and dry up the next. Time becomes a helium balloon, expanding as to spur the perception that a plethora of daylong activities have been squeezed into the space of a few minutes and then shrinking as to flush out the space of a day in two seconds. In this realm, the personal can become impersonal very quickly and barriers deemed impenetrable in the physical world are breached at will.

Gemini’s severe allergies to the emotional faucet rendered it somewhat superficial, insensitive, and impotent to the depth of experience, an anomaly which is corrected with the inauguration of the Cancerian archetype. Because the formative energies of Cancer originate from this intermediary realm of being which connects the physical and spiritual, it acquaints humans with their individual souls but also with the anima mundi, the cosmic soul of Mother Nature which unites all creatures irrespective of size or complexity. A newborn inclination to look inward for nirvana underpins the fundamental Gnostic adage of this archetype, namely that the external environment, the mechanical world into which we are born, appears to be an exotic synthesis of indifferent and insensitive elements that cannot offer inner harmony or fulfilment to spiritually-orientated humanity. The only hope for the human condition, according to Cancer, is to turn on the emotional faucets of the psychic plane and let the cold and hot water form a sensitive current that incite a sense of meaning and purpose and drive the impersonal spirit or life force through the tumultuous waters of life until it is again time to reunite with the paradisal state of perfection in maternal unconsciousness.

“Folks, life’s all about being feelings,” says Cancer. “Feelings and sandcastles, my friends! I like to build mine with all sorts of implements, usually down by the seashore. If I don’t use sand and water its paint and pastels, and sometimes I even use pen and writing paper. I create them with my vivid imagination and decide who or what is going to be living inside. I decide upon fates and lifespans and transcribe the romantic events that will unravel within its high walls. Sadly, there comes a time when the incoming tide levels and sucks them back into the pit of the ocean’s stomach. I understand the tides, the coming and going of primordial energies, and the cycles of the cosmos like no other which is why I build my houses strong. Strength equals domestic stability and tranquillity, something everyone wants! I use the sturdiest things available–sticks, stones, metals, bits of detritus from the seabed–to insulate my soft and squishy parts from Mother Nature’s wrath and Man’s acidic and unbecoming temperament. As a humanitarian, I’m always willing to share my space with an appropriate other, especially if that other is a poor, helpless soul in need of smothering or mothering.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m tactile and love affection. I’ll also admit that I do have too much of the moon and the sea in me; my moods can go from black, to low, to white, to high, and to crescent shape in the space of about a microsecond. I can be volatile that way, but I more than make up for it with my talent for story-telling, my attention to detail, and my emotional rapport. I can also be timid and shy, but once you’ve gained my trust and extricated me from my crabby shell you’ll feel like you’ve known me for years! Once I’m out you’ll have to be rather gentle with me; I’m not particularly fond of prying eyes or confrontation, verbal or otherwise, so I will often sidestep around these. If this is not possible or plausible I’ll just thrust my big old pincers out and threaten to dice the adversary up into little pieces. You should also know that I’m a fiercely faithful friend, and my concern for the welfare of others can often be mistaken for clinginess and co-dependence. My soul is dark like rocks of obsidian, and deeper than the Mariana trench in the Pacific Ocean. Just like these qualities strike night terrors in those individuals not quite attuned to their inner selves, so too does it nurture my own worst nightmare–the fear that I might be deserted to my own devices and have to face life alone.”

Cancer is undoubtedly the first sign to actively work through the mimetic bank of the collective unconscious, drawing upon cosmic archetypes like the tribal brother or sister, love, the heroic journey, utopian societies like the legendary Atlantis, and the struggle between seemingly disembodied forces of good and evil to create its own narratives, real or imagined. Souls incarnating through the stars of this zodiacal constellation more often than not exhibit melancholia, sentimentalist romanticism, and a longing to recapture the locus classicus of Golden Ages bygone. The latter is most likely due to the fact that Cancerians retain prenatal memories of the paradisal perfection within the womb, and hence looking backward into the past is also examining a longwinded path that meanders further and further from union with the divine.  Their deep connection to the supranormal and creative powers of the greater subconscious mind and its intuitive faction, as well as a heartfelt obsession with the subtler and intimate details of our psychological makeup makes them the true hub of the arts. It is no coincidence that souls born under the aegis of Cancer tend to be artists, writers, musicians, and poets. The unconscious willpower or drive of a Cancerian soul is second to none.

Lamentably, Cancer’s derivation from an imaginative plane experienced through the electrical power of primordial ebbs and flows without the aid of a transistor isn’t all milk and honey. Cancerians are notorious for letting the intellectual throne of their personal kingdoms be usurped by emotion, and we all know what happens when unchecked emotions are given prominence over wisdom and intellect: problems and worries multiply and quickly distort our perceptions of the outside world so that everyone appears dishonest, deceptive, potentially threatening, and narcissistic. Emotionally disturbed Cancerians usually repress their feelings for prolonged periods, letting grievances and resentments simmer and become pressurised deep in the confines of their unconscious until these can no longer be contained. When the tempestuous eruption finally comes to pass, the rock-melting intensity of the sonic blast can be so potent as to incinerate, alter, or disfigure relationships permanently. This is one of just many reasons why Cancerians are introverts, choosing to traffic in relationships that are highly unlikely to balloon into melodramatic love affairs or force them into encounters with their own shadows.  

Like Aries, Taurus and Gemini, there are also two symbols associated with Cancer the Crab. The first of these, the animal totem, evokes the primary psychic composition of all beings born under this zodiacal sign; deriving from and dwelling in the element of water, crabs are tranquil, expressive and passive in their habits. The existence of a shell denotes a self-absorbed proclivity towards domestication, introversion, emotional vulnerability, and cultivation of the soul’s imaginative realm. In embarking in a cross-cultural and historical examination, we find that the ubiquitous expression of this archetype has altered in time. For some of the prehistoric cultures, Cancer was represented as a crayfish. Moving into historic times, the ancient Egyptians imagined the constellation as an embodiment of the morning sun–Khephera –whose totemic animal was the scarab beetle. The modern image associated with this archetype was inherited from Babylonian or Chaldean astrology, the latter also influencing the iconography used by the Persian and Hellenistic peoples. The fixed stars associated with this constellation were deemed of utmost importance given that they delineated the seat of an ethereal Great Mother Goddess from which all life in the cosmos had sprung forth. Two ancient calendars, the Egyptian and the Mayan, further illuminate Cancer’s importance as an archetypal indicator of cosmic beginnings and endings: the ancient Egyptians, ascribed prominence to it as the home in which almighty Sirius, the mediating star of the wheel of heaven, rose heliacally to herald the New Year; and the Mayans prophesized that an alignment of the planets within Cancer would spur an act of un-creation and spell the end of the universe. In Roman myth, the goddess Juno fashioned Cancer and placed her in the starry heavens to serve as a cosmic chronometer and reverse the forward-moving cycle of creation when she finally felt that the process of becoming would be of no further benefit to mortals and immortals alike.

The second symbol, an astrological shorthand for the zodiacal sign, shows two identical figures whose arrangement discloses polar opposition. In Gemini this image of duality symbolizes a conunctionis or marriage of opposites, but in Cancer it draws attention to the insuperable psychic tides that are inherent in the nature of this archetype and demonstrated by the gravitational forces and see-saw interfaces imposed upon the earth by its mediating planet, the moon. The two spirals pertaining to each figure may be interpreted in a variety of ways; either as a pair of breasts, symbols of fecundity and divine providence, or as two spermatozoa whose conjunction generates the miracle of life. Both are connected to creation and both recall the feminine element of water as the great cosmic womb through which evolutionary life processes take root. Naturally this sign is intimately connected to physical conception and birth, as well as the psychological dependence of the developing ego on the uroboric Self. Hence, the symbol also serves as a memory cue for those primordial moments of happiness, fundamental unity, oneness, and paradisal perfection experienced in the womb before birth, along with the sadness and loss that comes from being separated from the maternal realm of unconsciousness.

[cutiecrates]

Cutie Reviews: Yume Twins Oct 18

This month, the magazine features an article on Nyanpire, and this is the months Yume Prize:

Besides Pokemon, we also got some adorable Marumofubiyori items, fitting in with the prizes from the months contest.

Nyanpire Clear File

Besides Hello Kitty, Nyanpire is another asian kitty I’ve always been crazy over; and who better to celebrate Halloween with? Especially when you have 3 cute designs!

I never really have much to say about clear files (and now is no exception) but I love how decorative it is, and I like the idea of of having one that suits the holiday, so if you did use these you could swap out another one for it if you wanted.

Like the file I previously reviewed- this one is pretty bent from being shoved into a box. But as I’ve noticed the last one has straightened up nicely and I’m pretty sure this one will too. Although out of the 3 I think this one was the worst in terms of out of box shape.

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

I initially didn’t plan on rating this as I didn’t have very much to say about it. But as I mentioned above, I feel like the out of box plays an important factor on these files. Maybe I’m just being nitpicky but I don’t really like the idea of using it while it’s so bent. It can be fixed no problem so it’s not a big deal- but I kind of wish the boxes were more... suited for items like these?

Also, the plastic wrapping on it was a real pain to pull off, I had to tear it apart and it annoyed me because I wanted to keep it in one piece to re-use.

Spirited Away Origami Set

Our next item is this fun set of origami papers, with an included tutorial on how to make an origami ghost like the one I made here. In the set there are 4 different papers (and I only just now realized that instead of the 4th paper I put in the packs cover image... the 4th paper is the black one on the bottom left-hand corner).

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

I was a little conflicted over how to rate this one, because I think origami is pretty fun and it’s a nice way to relax after a long day or in those stressful times. The paper feels really nice and I love how detailed each one is, it’s pretty rare for me to ever see any that isn’t just plain or textured paper.

But at the same time, my little issue is that I actually am not very crazy about this paper either. I really like the cute pastel block one, but I’m not a huge fan of this movie so I feel like I’m unable to fully appreciate it. Like, I don’t see myself using it very often unless I want plain paper or really wanted to make origami and didn’t have anything else... I also kind of feel bad using the paper because of the designs.

I’m an odd duck, I know.

Cute Cat Paw Gloves

These are purrrfect if you want to dress up as a kitty for Halloween~

They also make comfortable gloves if your hands feel a bit chilly to provide enough heat without entirely making them uncomfortable. They also just make a really cute fashion accessory.

They were available in black, white, and pink (and possibly more colors). There is also a yarn string you can loop through them to keep them connected.

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

As I already own a black pair I honestly would have loved to have gotten either white or pink, but I don’t hate these either. Out of all 3 pairs I have (the other color is grey btw, I got them from another box a year or two ago), I have to say that somehow these are the most comfortable pair I own. I really like wearing these whenever my fingers begin to freeze up, which happens kind of often.

Although they do tend to hinder things like using the laptop and typing...

If you would like to own a pair of these for yourself, I know there’s a handful of websites that sell these.

Kawaii Rabbit Plush

Our next item is this kawaii bunny rabbit; who I put like this this or the picture because from other angles it was kind of hard to get a good view of the details. The rabbit comes in several varieties, including this one, a pink one with a bow, a white lop-ear with a bow, white with black ears and paws, brown with white markings, and grey with white markings.

I kinda wish I got the pink one but I really like this one too. I’m not sure if she has a name so I’ll be calling her Marshmallow for now.

(also on a humorous note, they have “buttons” like pompompurrin)

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

The plush is one of those marshmallow squishy plush that you can squeeze and pull, the material is very soft. I love the little details like the pom-pom mouth and blushed cheeks.

I also really like the large variety offered with these; I like the idea of friends each being able to have their own variant, it would be perfect for role play as a magical girl or something :3 Each one has its own personality.

Ghibli Cup

This is our next item, an adorable plastic cup featuring 2 of Studio Ghibli’s really popular movies, an orange Totoro cup and a yellow Jiji from Kiki’s Delivery service cup.

If you’ve been a long-time sub subscriber you might recall a smaller Totoro cup I got like this several months/a year ago back. They’re probably by the same company or something because the drawing style of the Totoro one matches mine.

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

I know they’re just cups, but I really like these types. they’re so adorable and fun to use. I like using cutesy plastic cups like this when I’m not in the mood for something fancy like glass. My mood often changes.

I also like that you could use these for other things, like as a rinse cup, decoration, holding pencils/stationery or other small items, plus these would be suitable for children who might just be learning how to use a cup. You can do a lot with it without worry it’ll break.

Pokemon Hand Towel Set

Set items are pretty rare, and who doesn’t love adorable Pokemon home products~?

These sets of hand towels include 2 variations. Both feature one of pikachu an eevee (who each have 2 different designs), but the third could either be Gengar or Mimikyu! I love them both so I’d have been happy with either one x3

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

So as I said, it’s rare for us to get a set of anything so it’s already pretty nice because of that. I also think the designs are really nice, and because of it being a set you could share these if you wanted :D which is always nice.

If I had anything negative to say it’d be the fact that they have visible holes from where the little plastic bits held them together. But they’re not that bad.

♡ Cutie Ranking ♡

Content - 5 out of 5. I really liked what we got! I’m a little on the fence with the Origami paper, but I don’t hate it. We got a nice variety of items we don’t often get, minus the stuffed animal anyway.

Quality - 4 out of 5. Everything is fine, but the booklet mentions that there were bonus Nyanpire stickers for Halloween that I don’t remember getting. I don’t know if it was a last-second change in decision to not include it, or if I actually was skipped. I can’t remember if I wrote them an Email about it or not. So for possibly forgetting an item I’m marking them down for quality control.

Price - ???? out of 5. I’m not really sure how I feel about it this month. I kind of want to say no, I don’t think these are items all together worth 30-35 dollars, but because of the name brands I could see why they might be.

Theme: 5 out of 5. I feel like the items are sort of a play on the theme. Like Pokemon, which are Pocket Monsters, Nyanpire is a spooky-cute series, the rabbits are meant to resemble the magic aspect as familiars/pets owned by magical beings, cat paws for costumes, Jiji is a black cat... you see where I’m going with this?

Total Rank: 8 out of 10. I really liked the box, and I like how they kinda played with the theme rather than directly aim for it. But at the same time I kind of get tired of these mainstream brands showing up in these boxes; as much as I love Pokemon and Totoro, a break would be nice.

♡ Cutie Scale ♡

1. Rabbit Plush - With the variants possible to collect and it’s charming texture and appearance, I was definitely in love with my little Marshmallow~

2. Pokemon Hand Towel Set - I like how each one has a different design/Pokemon, although I kind of wish they had made a little more variety. There’s tons of Pokemon they could have used!

3. Nyanpire File - This is perfect for the Nyanpire lovers, Halloween, kitty lovers, and goths (or if you’re like me the loli-goths x3). It makes me happy to look at~

4. Ghibli Cup - I’m so happy I got the Jiji one x3 I love kitties, plus I wasn’t too crazy about the vibrant orange Totoro cup- but I like how they both fit the fall/summer season.

5. Cat Paw Gloves - I love how they look and feel, but as I already said I have multiple pairs of them so by now the same black paws are getting a little stale...

6. Spirited Away Origami - It’s not cute, like at all. But I do like the designs on them. Alrighty, that’ll be doing it for this review. I hope you enjoyed yourself, feel free to send me a message if you have any questions about the box or various box brands I order from ;3 next up I’ll be doing the Gacha Gacha crate I just got the other day, then I’ll be returning to our regular scheduled boxes. Until next time, stay cute!

[thesportssoundoff]

“Do I need to even?” UFC 229 Preview

Joey

September 30th

Oh boy oh boy. We've somehow someway made it here and I feel like we deserve some credit here. If you've survived 90% of 2018 then you've earned this one. If you survived UFC 228, UFC 224, the messy FS1 cards ravaged by injury and waking up early for Asian FP cards? You've earned this one. We've got a very solid card with matching lightweight fights of the highest quality. The co-main event pits Anthony Pettis vs the returning Tony Ferguson in one of the best LW fights you could put together for action quality while the main event is the best fight. Period. Conor McGregor is truly underrated at this point in his career; a dominant fighter who has one blemish on his record which he avenged. He is a genuine two weight class champion (lack of defenses be damned) with wins over the likes of Chad Mendes, Jose Aldo, Max Holloway, Eddie Alvarez and Dustin Poirier. Khabib Nurmagomedov's resume speaks for itself; undefeated in the UFC expanding beyond six years now with wins over some really good competition in Michael Johnson, Al Iaquinta and Edson Barboza. It's the striker vs grappler match up and the man with the one hitter quitter vs an endless torrent of takedowns and ground and pound. There's very few fights ever I'm as excited about as this one.  Those two fights on their own? Pretty good. The rest of the card? Pretty decent actually! The UFC absolutely took perhaps a step too many in loading up this show. Being honest, the sixth best fight on this card (Michelle Waterson vs Felice Herrig) could've headlined the Moncton FS1 show. Let's just have a damn good time here and enjoy THIS one for once.

Debuts:  Jalin Turner

Fight Changes/Injury Cancellations: 0

Headliners (fighters who have either main evented or co-main evented shows in the UFC): 13 (Conor McGregor, Tony Ferguson, Khabib Nurmagomedov, Anthony Pettis, Felice Herrig, Michelle Waterson, Ovince St. Preux, Alexander Volkov, Gray Maynard, Derrick Lewis,  Sergio Pettis, Yana Kunitskaya, Ryan LaFlare)

Fighters On Losing Streaks in the UFC:

Fighters On Winning Streaks in the UFC: (Conor McGregor, Tony Ferguson, Khabib Nurmagomedov, Derrick Lewis, Sean O'Malley, Alexander Volkov, Vicente Luque, Jussier Formiga, Jose Quinonez, Scott Holtzman, Alan Patrick)

Main Card Record Since Jan 1st 2016 (in the UFC):  37-13

Conor McGregor- 2-1 Khabib Nurmagomedov- 4-0 Tony Ferguson- 3-0 Anthony Pettis- 3-4 Ovince St. Preux- 5-4 Dominick Reyes- 3-0 Derrick Lewis- 7-1 (!) Alexander Volkov- 4-0 Michelle Waterson- 2-2 Felice Herrig- 4-1

Divisional Breakdown:

Lightweight- 4 Women's bantamweight- 2 Welterweight- 2 Bantamweight- 1 (?) Women's strawweight- 1 Flyweight- 1 Heavyweight-1 Light Heavyweight- 1

Too Low- Vicente Luque vs Jalin Turner

Most of this card is honestly fine and I get why Michelle Waterson is on the main card. Having said that, I think that fight is a bit too....blegh (on paper) for a show like this. I'd use Waterson vs Herrig to try and draw some eyeballs to this FS1 slate and instead push a guaranteed burner in Turner vs Luque. Vicente Luque has finished every one of his wins and he's taken decision losses vs stalling wrestler types. At the same time, Jalin Turner had some of the freakiest striking chops on the second DWTCS run. This should be a superb striking battle.

Too High Up- Aspen Ladd vs Tanya Evinger

Ehhh......I don't know if this is going to be a fight worthy of having on FS1. Ladd still seems really raw and we haven't seen Evinger in over a year in a lopsided loss vs Cyborg. This is Fight Pass quality. Waterson vs Herrig on the PPV isn't great shakes BUT both have fan bases that will probably-ish tune in. Probably. Not that this card should NEED any of that.

Stat Monitor for 2018:

Debuting Fighters (Current number: 27-32-1):  Jalin Turner

Short Notice Fighters (Current number: 26-19):  

Second Fight (Current number: 34-27): Aspen Ladd, Tonya Evinger, Yanit Kunitskaya

Cage Corrosion (Current number: 19-28):  Conor McGregor, Gray Maynard, Tonya Evinger (If this show happens a day later, Tony Ferguson)

Undefeated Fighters (Current number: 26-21-1): Khabib Nurmagomedov Aspen Ladd, Dominick Reyes

Keeping An Eye On But Not Really:

The UFC Win Check Test The records of fighters who have 4 or more UFC fights (or three full calendar years in the organization) but 0 wins against people still in the UFC:  

Twenty Precarious Ponderings

(We're doing TWENTY for a show like this, y'all. In truth, I just wanted to talk more and more about Khabib and Conor)

1- I just don't have enough time or energy to detail ALL of the intricacies of this lightweight title fight. The simplistic view is "wrestler vs striker" but that belittles the things both guys do so so so so well that in turn makes them special. Has Khabib Nurmagomedov ever faced a guy with Conor's length and timing? Even if we acknowledge that Conor McGregor is basically a one armed fighter (Conor's left hand is the best singular weapon in MMA), he has not just insane timing on it but the ability to throw it whenever he wants. One of the concepts of baseball is that "He throws hard!" eventually isn't enough and you need something off-speed to shake it off. Conor's different in that he can probably throw his left from any angle with any sort of heat and any sort of pacing offset by his kicks and his jab. Conversely Khabib "as a wrestler" is just a really unfair attempt to simplify a very good all around fighter. His control is A+, he threatens with submissions enough to keep fighters honest on the ground and he has a tremendous understanding of chaining attempts together with different techniques. How often do you see Khabib Nurmagomedov get stuck (look at Eryk Anders vs Thiago Santos) or forced to make a bad shot (look at some of Josh Koscheck's prime for desperation TDs)? On the feet, Khabib doesn't have a wealth of weaponry but he has a good jab and dude just seems to hit hard.

2- One of the things AntiCool speaks of so much that I truly believe in is fighters being unwilling to concede a single measure in fights where they need to pull off the upset. He uses Alexander Gustafsson vs Jon Jones and Daniel Cormier as good examples of a fighter who doesn't give up any avenue of the fight where they felt they couldn't win. The reason I bring this up is because I genuinely believe Conor McGregor is ballsy enough to believe he can absolutely if he has to compete with Khabib on the ground. I bet he believes that even if it's not the gameplan.

3- Jose Aldo and Khabib have some similarities in their dominance. Both were so neutralizing that they completely shut down fighters at the base of their respective games and forced them to adapt, often times doing that while basically sleepwalking through fights. That said, they also are similar in their relative levels of inactivity heading into the Conor fights. Conor McGregor and Khabib fought on the same card in 2016 and since that point? Khabib's fought just twice. Not exactly blazing a track of activity probably compounded by Khabib taking time off for Ramadan. Also both Aldo and Khabib were known as cold calculated fighters who were surgical but never emotional. That changed vs McGregor for Aldo----soooo is Khabib going to come out emotional?

4- What are the odds of a double retirement after this fight?

5- Does this PPV find a way to crack the 2 million buy mark?

6- One of the weirder thing is how assured we are of Khabib's dominance while also acknowledging how so-so his resume is overall. We've seen Conor's resume at 145 lbs and while his resume at 155 lbs is thin, it IS worth noting that he dominated Eddie Alvarez in his one foray there. Conversely Khabib's resume is really just two guys unless you take a ton out of the Al Iaquinta fight (it didn't show me anything about him from a skills POV but it showed me everything I need to know about his mental toughness as an athlete). There's a lot more we need to know about Khabib than there is to figure out about Conor.

7- Tony Ferguson is one of my favorite fighters and in a lot of ways, the El Cucuy stuff writes itself. Tony Ferguson (like Yoel Romero and the Diaz Brothers) has this unique borderline inhuman ability to outweird the world's weirdest spot. He lives the weirdest life, chases the weirdest thrills and could only exist in a sport like this one. Ferguson's 2017 was a mess; a complete collapse of a fight with Khabib, an eventual interim title win vs Kevin Lee leading to a 2018 where a blown out knee seemed set to rob him of his 2018. Because he's Tony Ferguson, he's out here fighting Anthony Pettis in October. Whether Ferguson can still do the things that made him special (be funky, awkward, outhustle dudes in key positions, challenge with submissions from any situation, throw a variety of kicks from any situation) after a bad knee injury and another year on the wrong side of 30 remains to be seen. I'm left to hope so since a winning Tony Ferguson is a fun Tony Ferguson.

8- Anthony Pettis has been pretty bad for the majority of the last three years but perhaps things are going to turn around now. Pettis' second round win over Michael Chiesa felt like a combination of some of the best of Anthony Pettis (quick counter striking, aggressive and opportunistic grappling) with some of his worst of Anthony Pettis. The road has been rough for Showtime but we're talking about a Tony Ferguson who is coming off a knee surgery and pushing 35. If there was EVER a chance for Anthony Pettis to figure this out, THIS is the guy to do it against.

9- Could Pettis beating Ferguson jump him over the winner of Nate/Poirier?

10- I know some of my fellas on here might disagree with the idea of OSP vs Dominick Reyes but at this point, I'm with it. There's not a long list of guys at 205 lbs who can act as the buffer between "proven to be good" and "ready to be great" so it falls on OSP. Reyes is arguably the most unique prospect at 205 lbs and this is without question an aggressive step up. It is worth pointing out that OSP was losing before he won vs Tyson Pedro and so they might be gambling on a decline. For me, I'm mostly concerned that Reyes is going to be shellshocked by the difference in strength between he and OSP.

11- Speaking of too soon, allow me to present to you Aspen Ladd vs Tonya Evinger!

12- I feel as though a big problem with Michelle Waterson is her inability to handle strength at the POA vs bigger fighters, a natural issue since everyone at 115 lbs is bigger tha her. Not sure why the idea of her vs Felice Herrig seemed appealing to the UFC. I could not think of a WORSE match up for her.

13- Dude let's talk right quick about Anthony Pettis' last ten fights including T-Ferg:

Tony Ferguson Michael Chiesa Dustin Poirier Jim Miller Max Holloway Charles Oliveira Edson Barboza Eddie Alvarez Rafael Dos Anjos Gilbert Melendez

I mean the WORST fighter in that grouping is who? Gil Melendez? I think we could argue Gil is at least average right? Oliveira and Chiesa are solid fighters and Barboza is a great kickboxer at least. Jim Miller?

14- Kudos to Gray Maynard still out here being relevant after being written off as cooked back in 2013. Your fav could never.

15- Even if it's just an exciting throw together brawl? Vicente Luque vs Jalin Turner is going to be exceptionally violent.

16- Is Aspen Ladd our best chance at finding a relevant exciting new 135 lber?

17- Very few divisions ever truly need an interim title---but this Volkov vs Lewis fight COULD have been an interim title fight. Put it this way, DC vs Brock is scheduled tentatively for post February 2019, right? What's the likelihood that the winner of that fight fights again? Brock probably dips out, DC probably retires and so then you're left with....anybody? This card doesn't need a second card BUT if the UFC title picture is in a messy state of being in 2019, we could just go and look back at this fight.

18- Sergio Pettis vs Jussier Formiga was a title contender fight then Cejudo went and ruined everything for them. It's still a fantastic fight at a division that's got some juice in it and I for one am excited to see if Pettis can put together what he did well against a prolific spoiler in Formiga.

19- You can't tell me this is the first time Nik Lentz and Gray Maynard have fought one another. I refuse to buy into such a lie.

20- It's been a long time since we've had a fight like THIS. Not since July of 2017 if you wanna stretch it that far with DC vs Jones II. Enjoy this. These are special moments.

[coffincoffer]

Black Sheep Characters: Anatoly

Basic

First name: Anatoly

Surname: Monroe

Middle name: James

Nicknames: Tolya

Date of birth: December 13th    

Age: 20

Physical Appearance

Height: 6”2’

Weight:

Hair: Black, shaved.

Eyes: Sharp, intelligent, accusatory. Blue color.

Distinguishing facial features: Chiseled jaw, feline eyes.

Facial feature most prominent: Cheekbones.

Bodily feature most prominent: His muscles.

Skin: Pale, rough, scarred, and tattooed. Four black bands on each lower arm.

Hands: Strong, kind of boney, and scarred.

Scars: Left lower lip, right eyebrow, knuckles on both hands, long one on his right side by his hip.

Birthmarks: None.

Physical handicaps: None.

Type of clothes: All black, ripped jeans, wife beaters, combat boots.

How do they wear their clothes: Thrown on, kind of ruffled.

What are their feet like: Combat boots, work boots.

Race / Ethnicity: Caucasian, part Russian.

Personality

Words or phrases they overuse: He likes to say shitfuck a lot and when he wants to deflect a question, he shoots out random facts.

Optimistic or pessimistic: Very much pessimistic but will surprise people when he is optimistic.

Ever put on airs: No,

What makes them laugh out loud: When people surprise him in big ways. Other than that, he just smirks a lot.

Display affection: He’s not a touchy-feely kind of person so he will be touchy-feely with them.

Mental Handicaps: Depression and he runs away at the small sign someone is going to do him wrong or will do him wrong. This stems from his parents abandoning him.

Want to be seen by others: He doesn’t care about what other people think about him.

See themselves: A rebellious, tough young adult that doesn’t give two shits about much.

Seen by others: Dangerous, feral, looks for fights.

Strongest character trait: Moral character.

Weakest character trait: Runs at the moment he suspects someone is going to do him wrong.

Competitive: Only when it comes to racing.

Make snap judgments or take time to consider: Makes snap judgments but takes time to consider with serious details.

React to praise: A little boastful but brushes it off.

React to criticism: Completely ignores it like he didn’t even hear it or will flip them off.

Greatest fear: Learning about his parents and why they abandoned him.

Biggest secrets: He’s pretty open and doesn’t like to keep secrets, thinking that he’ll owe people if he does.

Their philosophy of life: Cigarettes, Vodka, and Ink.

Last time they cried: 12th birthday when he learned he was adopted by Dom and the Monroe family.

Haunts them: Who his parents are.

They stand up for: His friends, family, and the weaker.

Who they quote: George Orwell, himself, other obscure references.

Indoorsy or outdoorsy: A mix of both.

Sinful little habit: Picking fights, and a copious amount of Vodka.

Sense they most rely on: Smell.

They treat people better than them: He doesn’t let them see his insecurities and acts like he’s just like them.

They treat people worse than them: He doesn’t believe anyone his worse than him.

Quality they most value in a friend: Trust.

They consider an overrated virtue: Valiance.

If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be: Nothing, he thinks he’s fucking perfect.

Obsession: Reading weird facts.

 Friends and Family

Family big or small: It’s about a medium size and the only real family members are Dom and Sergey.

Consist of: Dom, the father figure, Sergey, the brother, Jamison, the clown, and Rac, the stern.

Perception of family: Pretty bad but Dom and Sergey are slowly changing it.

Siblings: Sergey is his older adoptive brother.

Describe their best friend: Trea is always there for him and forces him to do things he would never admit.

Ideal best friend: Doesn’t really have one, they just have to be loyal and trustworthy.

Describe their other friends: Trea is really his only friend, he just plays nice with some other people.

Describe their acquaintances: He doesn’t like having acquaintances, “They can’t be trusted”.

Any pets: A 150lb German Sheppard named Saint.

 Past and Future

Like as a baby: Adventurous, faster learner than everyone else.

As a child: Rambunctious, trouble-maker.

Grow up rich or poor: In the middle, Dom owns his own tattoo parlor and Sergey owns his own bookstore.

Grow up nurtured or neglected: Very much nurtured but learning of being adopted made things harder for him.

Most offensive thing they ever said: He says a lot of random curse word sentences.

Greatest achievement: Admission to college.

First kiss like: Hasn’t had a serious one yet, only ones from when he was a kid and kisses either Dom or Sergey.

Worst thing they did to someone they loved: Nothing, he would never hurt someone who loved him because he cherishes them.

Ambitions: Get his license to become a tattoo artist.

Advice would they give their younger self: Nothing.

Smells that remind them of their childhood: Old and new books, cigarette smoke, warm dinners, and ink.

Childhood ambition: Grow up to become like Dom.

Best childhood memory: All the time he spent with Dom and Sergey.

Worst childhood memory: Learning he was adopted.

Imaginary childhood friend: A blob shadow that lurked under his bed and protected him from Mr. Sandman.

The last time they were crushed with disappointment: When he learned about the adoption.

Past act they are most ashamed of: None.

Past act they are most proud of: Getting into college.

Anyone ever saved their life: Sergey saved him when he was a kid from almost drowning in a pool.

Strongest childhood memory: Every Sunday him, Dom, and Sergey had picnics for lunch.

 Love

Believe in love at first sight: Hell no.

In a relationship: “With my hand” as he likes to say.

Behave in a relationship: He doesn’t really know how since he’s never had one.

Last have sex: Never.

Sort of sex they have done: None.

Ever been in love: Nope.

Ever had their heart broken: Not by a lover, when he learned he wasn’t Dom’s real kid and Sergey ’s biological brother.

 Conflict

Respond to a threat: With fists and cutting words.

Most likely to fight with their fists or their tongue: Both, his tongue while using his fists.

Kryptonite: Trea and family.

Could only save one thing from their burning house, what would it be: His sketchbook.

Perceive strangers: Cautiously and like they’re dangerous.

Love to hate: Everyone and everything.

Phobias: Heights.

Choice of weapon: Brass knuckles, karambit.

Person do they most despise: His parents.

Ever been bullied or teased: Once, he beat those kids up.

Go when they’re angry: He drives around on his bike, usually at night or will sit in the tattoo shop just watching everyone.

Enemies: Calvin Goose and his two friends.

Why: They get into fights all the time.

 Work, Education, and Hobbies

Think about their current job: He loves it; he works at the front desk of Sergey’s bookstore.

Hobbies: Drawing, fighting, basketball, reading.

Educational background: Graduated high school and is attending college.

Work experience/occupation: Bookstore and sometimes the front desk at the tattoo parlor.

 Favorites

Favorite animal: German Sheppard.

Animal they dislike the most: Cockroaches.

Place they would most like to visit: Russia or Ireland.

Most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen:     Falling Haven Sunrises.

Favorite song: A lot of rock and dubstep.

Music, art, reading preferred:

Favorite color: White.

Password: NumbNuts666

Favorite food: Pizza.

Favorite work of art: Anything Dom creates.

Favorite artist: Dom and Sergey.

Favorite day of the week: Saturday.

 Possessions

In their fridge: Everyday things.

On their bedside table: Phone,     keys, clock, lamp.

In their car: He drives a     motorcycle.

In their purse or wallet: Debit card, credit card, and a few other things.

In their pockets: Phone, keys, cigarettes, lighter, wallet.

Most treasured possession: Saint and his adoption papers.

 Spirituality

Character’s guardian angel: Sam Cassian.

Believe in the afterlife: Agnostic.

They think of religion: “You do you, I don’t care”.

What they think heaven is: A boring place for losers.

They think hell is: A place he ’s probably going.

Superstitious: He lives in a town mostly populated by Supernatural beings.

Like to be reincarnated as: A dog.

Like to die: In no pain.

Character’s spirit animal: A guard dog.

 Values

Worst thing that can be done to a     person: Break their mind and will.

View of ‘freedom’: Doing whatever he wants that’s somewhat within the law.

Last lie: He lied to Trea about getting along with Ada and Erin.

View of lying: Do it only when necessary or if to deflect a situation.

Last make a promise: To Trea, promising that he won’t lie to himself.

Keep or break their last promise: Oh, definitely break.

 Daily life

Eating habits: He eats whatever he wants.

Any allergies: Normal allergies.

Describe their home: He and his family live in the apartment above the tattoo shop.

Minimalist or a clutter hoarder: Everything is clean except for his studio, which is a complete disaster.

Do first thing on a weekday morning: Shower before either going to school or work.

Do on a Sunday afternoon: Usually playing basketball with Trea or lounging at the tattoo shop.

Do on a Friday night: Out roaming the streets, either people watching or looking for a fight.

Soft drink of choice: Root Beer.

Alcoholic drink of choice: Vodka.

 Miscellaneous

Character archetype: Rebel.

Their hero: Dom, and later on, Erin.

Dress up as for Halloween: Original Mad Max or the Trapper from Dead by Daylight.

Comfortable with technology: Yes, but not a guru.

Could save one person: Probably Erin, since that’s what he tries to do.

Call one person for help: Dom.

Favorite proverb: Doesn’t have one.

Greatest extravagance: His motorcycle.

Greatest regret: Doesn’t have any.

Perception of redemption: Hates the idea.

Won the lottery: He wouldn’t do anything differently, probably donate it.

Favorite fairytale: Dracula, even though it’s not a fairy tale.

Fairytale they hate: Anyone with a happy ending.

Believe in happy endings: No, he despises them.

Their idea of perfect happiness: Doesn’t believe in it.

Ask a fortune teller: Is David Bowie jamming it up with Michael Jackson in heaven?

Could travel through time: He’d go to ancient Rome to watch the Colosseum fights.

Sport they excel at: Basketball and MMA.

Sport they suck at: Soccer.

[n0velust]

2007

When I received the message from a stranger on Myspace, I assumed I was being punk’d.

I heard you get sleep paralysis. So do I. Can we talk about it?

The account that sent the message supposedly belonged to a girl named Rose, but her profile was sketchy. She only had one friend. There were only two photos of her, good quality, not your basic selfies, although they weren’t professional either.

She was a blonde with bangs, her hair cut just above her shoulders. Her eyes were bright and the color of sea foam. There was an angelic quality to her. This was not the first time I had seen her face before, I was sure of that, but I couldn’t place where I reconized her from. It bothered me. Not that I believed the girl in the pictures was the one who actually sent me the message. Someone was messing with me. Someone who wanted me to reveal my weaknesses so they could use them against me.

I had only spoken of my sleep paralysis once in a public setting- a group counseling session all the way back in middle school. Sara, this redhead whom I had my eye on since the moment I first saw her, mentioned having it first in this session. We talked back and forth about it for a minute before our councilor called the meeting back into order. Sara had wanted to know more about my episodes. We met up one day, but she didn’t like that I believed sleep paralysis was a mere medical condition as opposed to a supernatural phenomenon. She committed suicide just a few months after that.

I knew better than to give this troll the time of day, but it was a lonely summer night. Besides, my curiosity had been piqued.

Cute pix but they ain’t urs, I wrote back. Maybe next time add more friends and write an About Me, so it doesn’t look like you just created the account two minutes ago.

              She replied in a matter of minutes. Aww you think I’m cute?? (: lol it’s a new profile. I can send you another pic if you want.

              Alright but draw a dick on your forehead so I know it’s really you, I typed back with a smug grin on my face. Checkmate. Since they wanted to act like a dickhead.

I got up and searched my dark room, my computer screen being my only source of light, for my bottle of vodka. I usually put it somewhere inconspicuous in case my cousin, Jessica, or Aunt Marilyn barged in on me. It’s neck was sticking out from under my pillow. I took several long gulps that warmed my stomach.

I didn’t expect a reply from that account but when I looked back to the screen, endorphins kicked in when I saw the one new message notification. No way. Bad Photoshop?

              A grainy picture probably taken a flip phone, but it was her. She held her hair back out of her face, on her forehead she dawned the crudely drawn penis. A goofy smile.

Can we talk now? she asked in a separate message. I’d like this to be interview style. Can I call you to save us both time?

              Out of pure boredom, I sent her my number. A few short seconds later, my phone rang. We got past awkward introductions.

              “You do look familiar,” I admitted. “Do you go to Apponequet?”

              “No, I go to Bishop Stang.”

              “A Catholic school girl, huh?”

“I have come into your job at Burger Daze, maybe that’s why you recognize me. That’s where I overheard some kids talking about you and the fact that you had sleep paralysis.”

              “Who?”

              “I didn’t ask them their names. I just eavesdropped on their conversation,” she giggled. “To be clear, I know who you are. Not just from seeing you at your job. You’re practically famous!”

              Famous people have fans, I didn’t even have friends. The main reason having to do with my local legend status in the small community of Freetown, Massachusetts. When you witness your father’s murder as a child, then go missing in the state forest for a week, and the media outlets paste your photo all over town, people rarely forget.

              “Maybe I’ll give you an autograph sometimes,” I replied dryly.

              “A piece of paper with your handwriting on it? That’d be great. I could use it to cast a love spell on you,” she said with a smile in her voice.

              “Look, is this supposed to be a joke or-“ My amusement was wearing thin.

              “No joke, Raiden. When I heard those people talking about you, I couldn’t believe it. I haven’t met another living person who’s had sleep paralysis. And for me it’s been especially bad lately so I took it as a sign that I must reach out to you.”

              “Well now you have, so what do you want?”

              “Tell me, do you hallucinate during?”

              “Most people do. Your body puts itself in a state of paralysis, so you don’t act out your dreams. The hallucinations occur because your mind is still in a dream state.”

              “Thanks for educating me on the subject as if I haven’t already extensively researched it myself. I’ll take that as a ‘yes’ then?”

              “Yes.”

              “And what sorts of things do you see?”

              “People who suffer from sleep paralysis tend to see the same things, shadow people and such. Which makes sense because the room is dark and there are a lot of shadows.”

I was so used to only talking about this with therapists that I couldn’t help but parrot the things they told me.

              “What about the old hag though? Lots of people report seeing the detailed image of an old woman, usually wearing a veil, who sits on their chests. She’s not a shadow. Explain why that’s common sighting.”

I paced the room, thinking of an explanation but fell short.

              “Have you seen the old hag?” I reflected her question back.

              “I asked you what you saw first.”

              “Yes, it’s one of the worst apparitions. She starts off as a beautiful woman and then morphs. Total succubus situation, it’s awful.”

              “Sounds like the scene in The Shining. That part really freaked me out as a kid.”

              “I haven’t seen it.” Or any horror movie for that matter.

              “The original is better than the remake although Stephen King wouldn’t agree- anyway so, shadow people, the old hag, anything else?"

I hesitated, stumbling over my words. There was something else. Something Sara mentioned seeing too. Something that she claimed the more energy you gave to, the more powerful it got.

“I’ve seen something coming out of the wall. It’s like it comes from another dimension,” Rose went on, since I was at a loss for words. “It’s three dimensional too, not like a shadow. Unlike the other sleep paralysis villains, it can physically touch. It puts its hand over my head. Local indigenous tribes have something similar in their folklore, expect it comes out of trees instead of walls. They call it a Wuagamortchi. Have you ever seen it or heard of it?”

My throat ran dry, so I went back to my bottle and took another drink. There’s no way she could be messing with me. I’ve only spoken of this particular entity to Sara and one of my psychologists. Sara named this entity ‘Wally”. As a kid, I called it the Gatekeeper.

              “Yes,” I admitted. “I’ve seen it since I was a kid.”

“Can you describe your experiences?” Rose asked. Her voice was too cheery for the conversation we were having.

“No. I’d rather not. Sorry, I’m kind of freaking out right now. You’re not the first person to come into my life asking me about this shit. This girl I used to know, Sara, she saw the wog-thing, whatever you called it, too.”

“Really?” Rose asked enthusiastically. “Do you have Sara’s number? I’d love to talk to her too.”

“She committed suicide, about four years ago. I felt…guilty about it. You’re reminding me for her right now. That’s why my mind is a mess.”

“Why do you feel guilty?”

“Because she came to me for help so she would feel less alone. Her view on it was even darker than yours. She thought that actual demons were after her, that they wanted to make her hurt herself and other people. I dismissed her after she said all that, told her it was in her head. The ultimate betrayal, in her eyes, was when I told her boyfriend, James, that she needed help. She never spoke to me again. Her paranoia was what led her to take her life.”

“I mean, you reached out to her boyfriend about your concerns. It sounds to me like you did try to help her.”

I shook my head. “I could have done more for her. I could have been more empathetic.”

“I get it.” Finally her voice had some emotion behind it. Before she sounded like some robotic customer service representative. “My mother committed suicide and I feel like I should have done things differently too. The shrink I see says I shouldn’t blame myself but it’s hard not to.”  Rose let out a sigh and pulled herself back together. “How often do you experience SP?”

              It took me a moment to follow her train of thought. She dropped a bomb on me and then swept right passed it.

“A few times a week lately. I’ll go months without an episode, then it will become more frequent for a while. It has to do with stress,” I told her.

              “Have you found anything that helps to reduce episodes?”

              “Drinking.” I held my bottle up in a cheers to myself. I sat on my bed, leaning up against the wall with a pillow behind me.

              “Alcohol? Does that really help?”

              “No, not really. I wouldn’t recommend it. It helped at first but now it just makes me not care as much that it’s happening.”

              “Hmm. I smoke weed at night for the same reason.” She paused for a moment, “have you ever smoked before?”

              “Once.” With Sara. God, everything that came out of this girl’s mouth reminded me of Sara.

              We stayed up talking for hours after that, getting to know each other. Rose told me that she had recently found her mother’s diary, where she described her own instances of sleep paralysis. While Rose did believe it was paranormal and I didn’t, we came to the agreement that there was a link between sleep paralysis and mental health issues- depression, anxiety, PTSD. It all went hand in hand.

              I listened to Rose talk about her out of body experiences, how she had been training herself to detach her soul from her body during sleep paralysis and shoot energy balls as her interdimensional intruders. She told me about how her and her mother to share the same dreams and that she would astral project to the astral plane, hoping to find he mother there so she could say goodbye one last time. She said she wanted me to astral project with her, so we could be together, but I said I’d rather just take her out on a date. Her ramblings were nonsensical, yet she spoke them with such conviction that I wanted to believe.

              Rose said that since it was summer she had been waiting until sunrise to let herself sleep. We stayed up until then talking. When we finally did go to sleep we left our phones beside us on speaker, so if something did happen to one or both of us, the other person would be on the line. It was the first night in weeks I had slept without having a nightmare or an episode of sleep paralysis.

              We texted each other all that next day, then at night we spoke on the phone for hours on end. This went on for a few days. By the end of the first night, I was already hounding her about meeting up. she invited me to meet her at this house party she was attending on Friday night.

              Thanks to our late-night chats, not only was I sleeping better but I had also stopped drinking. I wanted to be coherent in our conversations. I wanted her to think that I was smart and funny, not some loser teenage alcoholic. But- before going to meet her at this party in Fall River, a half an hour drive away, I did have a little liquid courage to calm my nerves.

              When I pulled up to the house and parked along the street, she was out on the driveway waiting for me. She wore cut-off shorts and a black crop top, and a light jacket over it, despite it being the middle of July and eighty degrees outside. Over her shoulders, she wore a mini black backpack.

Despite her heavy make-up, she was still gorgeous. Even more so in person. Slim build but great legs. Her friend Genesis was starting next to her, holding her hand. Genesis taller than Rose but not my much. Her hair was clearly bleached blonde and fell in tight, corkscrew curls. She was dressed in a similar outfit. They were staring at my car and whispering among themselves. When I got out, Rose let out a squeal that I could hear from all the way over where I was standing.

Rose looked terrified, her eyes as wide as saucers. She had never even had a first kiss before and while I wanted to rush over and give that to her, what I wanted more was for her to feel comfortable.

              “Hi Raiden,” Genesis called on Rose’s behalf as I approached them.

              “That’s Genna,” Rose said, still clutching her friend’s hand. I could barely hear her.

              “I know. I recognize her as your only Myspace friend.”

              When I got up to them, it struck me how much I towered over them. A though occurred, what if she’s lying about her age? But I pushed it back to the far corners of my mind. Rose told me she was fifteen, sixteen on November 27th. My birthday was exactly a month after hers, I’d be turning eighteen. Our age difference wasn’t too bad. She had mentioned on the phone that she was petite.

              Genna pealed Rose’s hand off of hers and shoved her in my direction before turning her back and walking away. Rose watched her friend go before turning to me. I stood still like I was offering food to a timid deer. Where was the bold girl whom I had spoken to over the phone?

              Suddenly she was running towards me. She leapt up and I caught her in my arms. She wrapped her legs around my waist and initiated the first kiss. I let her have a little peck then tilted my head back farther. She groaned, her fingernails pricking the back of my neck. Our noses brushed before we kissed again. I melted into it. 

              I put her back down and we looked each other over.

              “I’ve never been to a house party before,” I said, to break the ice.

              “I don’t really like these types of parties,” she confessed.

              “Why are we here then?”

              “It just so happens that this party is only a couple blocks away from where a dear old friend of mine lives. I couldn’t miss the opportunity to pay him a visit.”

              Him? Confusion, jealousy, rage bubbled up in my chest.

              “You can come with me,” she clarified. “I want you to.” She batted her eyelashes at me and held her hand out for me to take but I wasn’t so sure I wanted to.

              “Who’s your friend?” I asked, looking down at her with narrowed eyes.

              “Andrew. You probably know him since you went to Freetown Lakeville Middle. Andrew Arslanian.”

I stared at her in disbelief. “Mr. Arslanian? The fucking science teacher?”

              She giggled at my surprise. “That’s the one. Part science teacher, part pervert. He stays busy.”

              “How do you know that? Did he hurt you? What are you going to do to him?” So many questions and finding the answers wouldn’t make me feel any better.

              “No. Not me,” Rose chuckled ironically. “This girl, Danielle. They had an affair. She was too young to know what she was getting into-“

Two girls stumbled out of the party, leaving the door wide open. The music was playing so loud that I could feel the bass in my bones.

Rose lowered her voice, “he knocked her up, then tried to throw money at her and threaten her into having an abortion until she moved away. Dani and I aren’t even friends anymore but that’s a whole ‘nother story. This was all long time ago.”

“Why wait til now to go after Mr. Arslanian? What are you going to do to him?”

“Chill. I’m not going to burn his house done or anything.” She took off her tiny backpack and unzipped it to allow me a peek inside. A single can of red spray paint and a wallet.

“And honestly, I haven’t thought of him in a long time but since I’m in the neighborhood…” She cocked her head and smiled at me, batting her eyelashes persuasively.

“How do you even know his address?”

“The internet.” She shrugged.

“I just-“ I didn’t want to come off like a buzzkill or an asshole. “I came all this way to hang out with you not to vandalize my eighth-grade teacher’s house.”

Her cheeks blushed. “I want to hang out with you too. This won’t take long, and you can pick what we do next.”

“I guess I’m in then,” I said with a scoff and an eyeroll.

She jumped for joy and let out a big, “Yesss!”

“But next time, tell me ahead of time when you have a crazy idea like this.”

“For sure I will.” She took my hands, intertwined her fingers in mine and started leading me down the sidewalk. “I’m so glad you agreed to join me because the Lucy I took should kick in soon an-“

I stopped dead in my tracks, bringing her to an abrupt halt as well. “What?!”

“Lucy. It’s slang for-“

“LSD,” I finished for her.

“It’s probably best that someone will be looking after me when it kicks in.”

I looked at her, then back to my car, and really contemplated leaving. Rose had told me about her experiences with various drugs, Xanax, coke, and of course weed. Genesis brought her into this world and Rose liked to experiment.

              “I saved a stamp for you.” She looked up at me with angel eyes.

              I knew a time would come when I’d be offered something questionable. Under different circumstances, I’d be more inclined to want to try LSD but not at a damn party. Not when we both have a history of mental illness. It seemed like an awful idea. I wasn’t about  to explain that to her because I didn’t want her thinking I was a loser.

              I liked her. A lot. There had other women, I was no virgin, but I had never had a serious relationship before. No one’s mind enticed me as much as Rose’s. I had never shared a connection like this with anybody. No one’s eyes had ever hypnotized me in such a way that my brain shut off entirely. I couldn’t blow this so soon, so I forced a smile over my haunted expression.

              “Let me give you some money for mine at least.”

              “No, it’s okay. Genna and her boyfriend TJ just gave them to me.” She fumbled in her purse and took out her wallet, out of her billfold, she handed me a stamp. Not the postage kind.

              “Don’t chew it or swallow it, just leave it on your tongue for a while.” She held out her finger with the tiny white square on top and I took it and did as instructed.

              “It’s my first time taking acid too so this should be interesting.” She giggled.

“How long ago did you take yours?” I asked, trying to judge how long I’d have until it set in.

“Right before you got here,” she replied. “TJ said it’d take about fifteen minutes to half an hour before I felt anything. He’s a total douche but at least he’s good for party favors.”

              We locked hands again. My hands were so much bigger than hers and she had to hold hers above her waist to align it with my own.

              “Why don’t you like TJ?”

              “He’s a pedo too. Dude’s twenty years old. He has no business hanging out with girls as young as me and Genna.”

              “Why don’t you tell your friend that?”

              “She knows how old he is. She doesn’t care. Just thinks he’s with her because she’s so mature. Trust me, if I told her what I really thought about him, she’d choose him over me. Love makes people stupid and blind.”

              I could see that now…

              “Girls get obsessed with these random ass guys that come into their lives. No depth or anything unique about them. That’s why I never bothered dating. I never met anyone who truly compelled me.” She squeezed my hand. “Until now.”

              “I must really like you because I can’t say no to you.” I grinned at her.

She lit up when I said that. There was no point in either of us trying to play it cool. No way she could have hidden that ear to ear smile. Under the streetlamps, I spotted freckles on her cheekbones, the bridge of her nose, underneath all that make-up. Such a shame that she covered them up.

              “Are you a natural blonde?” I asked.

              “Yeah but my natural color is a little darker than it is now.”

              I kept looking at her. Her familiarity drove me nuts, like when a word is on the tip of your tongue, but you can’t quite remember what it is. 

              “It’s weird that I have no memory of interacting with you when you were a customer at my work.”

              “You see a lot of customers come through there every day.”

              “Yeah but I remember the pretty ones. And I’d definitely remember your face. Especially since you said you come in there a lot.”

              “You were the main reason I was coming in there for a while. Just because I thought you were so handsome.” She laughed at herself. I could feel her hand shaking in mine. It was a little sweaty too.

              “Are you serious? That’s…slightly creepy but also flattering. Does that mean you have ulterior motives when you friended me on Myspace?”

“I saw that as my way in, yes. When I heard those kids talking about you having sleep paralysis, I took it as a sign that we were meant to get to know each other.”

“When you first invited me to this party, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to come. I’m really glad we’re hanging out, just you and me. Parties aren’t really my thing.”

              “Me either. I have social anxiety. I’m more comfortable with a small group of people. Or with just you.” She led us across the street, onto a different road.

              “You’re pretty social though. You’re more outgoing than me.”

              “It’s all an act, I’m actually pretty shy.”

              “You don’t seem very shy to me.”

              “Really. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt like something was wrong with me. Something that everyone else can see too. I became really withdrawn so obviously, it was always hard for me to make friends. But then I learned this thing from Dexter, have you seen that show? Or read the books?”

              “Dexter’s Laboratory?”

              “No!” Rose laughed. “Dexter the serial killer. He only kills bad guys. Anyway, he talks about having to wear this mask to blend in with the rest of society because duh he’s a killer and he works around a bunch of cops but I kind of took that concept and applied it to my own life. Did you know that Paris Hilton is actually smart? She just plays a character to mask her true self?”

“I have no idea,” I replied.

“That’s what I do. I play a character. I say and do crazy things because….people think of me as one thing and my true self hides behind that persona. I pretend my life is a realty show, and I do whatever I want. I know that all sounds weird. I’ve always been real with you though.”

              “I get where you’re coming from. Blend in with the normies so they don’t question you too much.”

              “Right because when you’re quiet, people can fill your silence with whatever they want.” Her words hung in the air, echoing on a loop in my mind.

She pulled her hand from mine and I worried she was suddenly upset with me. She took off her backpack and dropped it on the ground. I picked it up and held it for her.

“It’s so hot,” she said as she took her jacket off.

Before I could open my mouth to ask her why she was even wearing it, I saw the angry, red welts on the pale skin of her freckled bicep. Four of them at least, but there were more that looked faded.

              “What are those?” I asked, running my index finger over them raised scars.

              “Oh, right. That’s why I was wearing the jacket,” Rose said, more to herself than to me. She sighed as she shoved her arms back into it.

              “You don’t have to cover them up but what happened to you?” I pulled her jacket back off to get another look at them. “Are they cigarette burns? Who’s hurting you?”

              Rose chuckled at me. “It was just me, don’t worry.”

              “I am worried though. Why would you do that to yourself?”

              “I get overwhelmed sometimes, and it helps to ground me. Don’t judge.”

              “It’s not exactly a healthy coping mechanism.”

              “Neither is your drinking,” she shot back. Her eyes were narrowed but she wore a ‘gotcha’ smile. “You don’t want to be like my dad, unable to hold down a job. He tells us he quit, he’s gonna sober up, but he just tries to hide it. He never knows what’s going on, it’s really embarrassing.”  Her voice was louder and more emotional than usual.

              “You’re right. I know. What I do is another form of self-harm. I’ll make you a deal though, I stop drinking and you stop burring yourself, okay?”

              “What about a wager?” she asked with a grin. She pondered the terms of the wager for a moment. “Whoever loses has to give the other person oral sex.”

              Laughter boomed from my chest. “No, that’s fucked up. I don’t want to benefit from you hurting yourself. Besides, if we did that, I’d just go back to the party and have a drink.”

We shared a laugh at that.

“I rather just make it a pact,” I went on. “If you feel the urge, just reach out to me and talk to me about it – or your friend Genesis. And I’ll do the same, okay?” I extended my arm for a handshake.

              “Deal,” she said, taking my hand. I pulled her in for a hug, our lips found each other’s, and we kissed softly but hungrily. Euphoria pulsed through my veins. She pulled away too soon.

              “Let’s just this over with, before I start tripping.”

              She led the way through the neighborhood, knowing exactly where she was going. We walked at a quick pace until we came upon a two-story yellow painted home.

              3342 Snyder Lane.

              She took out the spray paint can and shook it, I worried about the noises. There was no car out front in the driveway but there was always a two-car garage, so it was hard to tell if anyone was home.

              Wind blew in through the trees overhead. Rose looked up at the swaying branches in awe. She waved back to them.

              “Rose! Hurry it up,” I urged her in a whisper.

              She looked to me, confused, and then down at the spray paint can in her hand. Dropping to her knees,  she was mesmerized by the paint exiting the can. “I’m creating universes,” she told herself.

              She put her other hand into the stream of paint.

“Stop,” I said. “You don’t want to get caught red handed, do you?”

              She looked up at me and then down at her red palm, laughing at my pun. I took the spray can away from her and told her I’d do it.

              Ask me about Danielle, I wrote on the driveway in messy print. Underneath that, I added, I’m a pedo, to make our accusations clear. 

              I looked up for Rose and nearly had a heart attack when I saw her peeking in through the first story window. I ran up behind her but then froze.

              There was sheer, red, fabric over the window but we could still see what was going on in the house. People, maybe ten of them, all wearing plain black masks but with a red upside-down triangle drawn over the forehead. They were dancing around. In the center of their circle was a man tied to a chair. He was slouched over, still, eyes open and unblinking. They were taking turns stabbing his already dead body.

              “Get away from there,” I said, a little too loud. Because one of them stopped in their tracks and looked out through the window, right at us. This person’s sudden stop in rotation caused the others to bump into them.

              Without thinking, I picked Rose up and threw over my shoulder. I ran out of there like a bat out of hell. Her backpack clapped against her with every step. The adrenaline must have given me extra strength because I ran like that with her on my back for blocks and blocks, until, I couldn’t take it anymore. I set her on the ground, and we ran together hand in hand for what felt like an eternity. All I knew was the run. A running being was my identity. I couldn’t think of anything else. I can’t tell you how long we ran or how far we got. Rose led us and not in a straight direction, to confuse whoever might have been following us. We went through people’s backyards, up and over fences. Repeatedly.

              I could have kept going but Rose was out of breath and collapsed herself onto someone’s yard. She repeated, “I can’t do it anymore, I can’t do it.”

              “Did you see what I saw?” I asked, my hands rested on my knees as I gasped for air. When I closed my eyes, I saw geometric shapes breathing. Circles morphing into triangles, then into diamonds, then into hexagons.

              “They were killing him,” Rose said in a weak voice, burying her face in the grass.

              “He was already dead.”

My voice didn’t sound like my own. I felt like we were in virtual reality, like I was at home playing video games and none of this was even real. “They saw us. We need to keep moving.” I reached my hand down to help her up.

              “I can’t run anymore. I always knew if I was in a horror movie, that I wouldn’t survive the run. Go on without me. Save yourself.”

              “It’s my responsibility to protect you,” I replied. “You’re my girlfriend.”

I was just as surprised of those words coming out of my mouth as she was. She smiled and it was like everything was okay. For a second there, time stood still, and I felt perfectly sober. But then everything got wavy again.

              She allowed me to help her to her feet. “I’m your girlfriend?”

“Why else would I be going through all this shit for you? Now c’mon. We can walk but we have to move forward.”

              “I don’t know how to get home.”

              I looked around my surroundings, only now realizing that we were utterly lost. “You mean back to the party?”

              “Oh, right. I forgot about that stupid party.”

              “Did you want me to take you home? Because I would.”

              “No way. I couldn’t bear to see my mother right now.” I just looked at her. Her mother was dead, but it probably wasn’t the best moment to remind her of that.

              I tried to remember the route we took to get to where we were. If I could remember where Mr. Arslanian lived, maybe I could get us back to the party. What I needed was a weapon though, to make sure that we got back safely.

              The best I could find in the moment was a large stick. I picked it up and held it over my shoulder. “This way,” I told Rose, leading her in the direction that felt right.

              The threat might have been gone but my paranoia remained. All the houses looked the same. We were in an endless labyrinth. I tried to have a conversation with Rose while we walked, to add some normalcy to the evening. My mind would loop, and then I’d completely forget what I was thinking about. I’d forget what I was saying, midsentence. My words came out a mush. We didn’t see any people outside or even cars driving by and that had me feeling like I was in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Soon the zombies would come.

Things got weirder when I had the sudden sensation that I was actually my father and I was lost in the void between Earth and the afterlife. I was his ghost, trying to escape from some evil force that beckoned to me.  My breath hitched. I could feel my insides vibrating. Everything was vibrating. I sat down in the grass, hoping that the feeling would pass.

              “Are you okay?” Rose asked, the first time she had spoken in a while.

              “I’m going to a bad place.” I covered my face with my hands in shame.

              “You don’t have to,” she told me. “Genna warned me about bad trips. She told me that if you think bad thoughts, of course you’ll have a bad trip. But you can have a good time too, it’s all in how you approach it. You’re thinking too much,” she said. I couldn’t fathom how she could say so many words.

“Just lie back and enjoy the ride.”

What a concept. All my life, I’ve never been able to do just that.

It was a clear night and the stars were visible. For a moment it felt like I was the pilot of a spaceship. Then after staring at them for too long, they didn’t even look real anymore. A hologram. I broke the celestial trance and shifted my gaze over to her. The most beautiful being I had ever laid eyes on, she made this all worth it.

Feeling my stare Rose looked over at me, brushing her fingers over my face. “This is all worth it because we’re together.”

“I was just thinking that exact same thing,” I said, finally finding my words. “You read my mind.”

              She rolled over on her side and I did the same. We were almost nose to nose.

“Remember what I told you on the phone? If we practice reading each other’s minds, soon we'll be able to dream share.”

I thought of the game she taught me to play over the phone. One person clears their mind and closes their eyes, holding a picture of the other person in their mind. The other person focuses on sending a mental transmission, through a beam of light from their forehead, the other person. I wasn’t very good at the game.

“What am I thinking?” she asked. “The category is fruit.”

              I did as instructed and waited to receive her transmission. “Grapes,” I said as the image suddenly popped up in my mind.

              “What kind of grapes?”

              My eyes tried to flutter open, but I forced them shut. “Was I right? They’re green.” The picture was so clear, I could almost taste them. I looked at her for conformation.

              She nodded and smiled. “Yes, green grapes.. The acid must be helping us connect.”

“I’ll try to send one to you,” I said. “It’s a shape and a color.”

               We both laid back in the grass. I closed my eyes, held her in my mind. The light stemming from my forehead was so bright it was like I could really see it.

“Blue, a circle- no wait now it’s a triangle.” She opened her eyes and asked if she was right.

I nodded and told her to close her eyes again. “I’ll send you a number now.”

“Twenty-seven,” she said, in no time at all. “I can see it clear as day. And the numbers are in white bubble lettering with yellow polka-dots.” I was in awe, unable to speak. Good thing that I didn’t need to anymore.

“It’s the date of both or birthdays,” she went on.

“That’s why I was thinking of it. You also mentioned on the phone that you liked that number.”

“Wow,” Rose said. “I can’t believe we mastered teleportation.” We both laughed as she realized she said the wrong word.

“Telepathy,” I corrected. “I think we’d need a little more acid for teleportation.” 

               Music started playing out of nowhere. It was really creepy until we realized it was coming from Rose’s phone. I had completely forgotten we carried such devices.

              “Whoa, the screen is all over the place,” Rose said before answering.

 “I just wanted to check in,” I heard Genesis say. “Where are you guys?”

“We’re lost,” Rose replied.

There was a male’s voice in the background. Genesis had us walk to a street corner and tell her the names of the roads on the intersection we were on. It was hard to read the sign. The letter flew off and were carried away by the wind. After discussion with the other person she was with, Genesis told us to stay where we were and that she’d come find us.

I told Rose that it might be dangerous for Genesis to be walking the streets by herself. The masked ones who had engaged in the ritual could still be looking for us. Rose tried to tell Genesis about Mr. Arslanian and what we saw through his window, but Genesis just started laughing.

“You can tell it’s their first time tripping,” she said to someone else. “TJ’s coming with me. We’re on our way. Just sit tight,” Genesis told Rose before hanging up.

When we saw two figures approaching us, walking in the middle of the road, Rose jumped up and down with excitement. “They found us! We’re saved.”

She took off running towards her friend. I was shocked when both girls lifted up their shirts, revealing their bras underneath. They howled when they bumped their chests together.

Genesis’ boyfriend must have noticed my expression because he explained that was like their secret handshake. He introduced himself as TJ, while the girls were jumping all over each other. He looked like how I imagined he would, old as hell. He had long greasy hair, with a black cap over his head. A full beard, I must have looked like a child next to him. He wore a white t-shirt with holes in it and jeans that hung down below the waist. I didn’t like him. He instantly gave me bad vibes. I would have rather been lost with Rose forever.

As we walked back to the party, which apparently we were only a couple of blocks away from, the girls walked together ahead of us, chatting gleefully back and forth. Rose was telling Genesis that I was her boyfriend and Genesis was really excited about the whole thing.

TJ pulled me back to slow our pace, he grabbed my roughly. “You be good to our Rosie.” That instantly pissed me off. Rose was not his. “She’s a wild one. No experience but she’s ready to learn to fuck.” I was ready to kick this fucker’s ass.

“I coulda had her but she didn’t like the idea of a three-way relationship. She thought Genna would be mad at her but Genna said she woulda been cool with it.”

If Mr. A and his friends needed another sacrifice, I had just the guy for them.

“I never met two girls with such dirty minds,” he had the audacity to continue. “You’ll have fun wit her, I bet. But yo, if you’re gonna stick it to ‘er, don’t go ghost after tonight. That would make her sad. Which would make Genesis sad. Which would fuck wit my own life, ya feel me?”

“I don’t plan on ghosting her and I don’t plan on sleeping with her tonight either. I like her. I’m not trying to rush anything. I want to see where it goes.”

“Bro sex on acid is fucking magical. You should try it sometime. Are you having a good trip?”

“I’d be enjoying it more if I didn’t just see my old science teacher having a satanic ritual.”

He laughed at me, “You’re funny, man.”

 We could hear the music from down the street and started to run towards it, grateful to be freed from the maze. Back at the party, my mood did a three-sixty. Genesis and TJ shared a joint with us, which put me on another level for sure, but the euphoria was back. Genesis kept taking pictures. Rose and I even danced. Our bodies moving to the music without having to think twice about it. After working up a sweat, we went to the refreshment table and drank some water.

              “They’re so many of them! They’re multiplying,” Rose said, mesmerized by a tray of cupcakes. “Why’s no one eating them? I don’t want to be the only one who eats one. What’s wrong with these people?”

I encouraged her to just take one and she looked at me, her eyes mischievous.

              “I have a better idea,” she grinned. “Carry the tray upstairs for me, I’m scared I’d drop it.”

              “What do you want to do with them?” I asked.

              “We could put the frosting on each other’s bodies and lick it off.” She didn’t have to tell me twice, I grabbed the tray and we headed to the second floor.

[junker-town]

Reviewing the best (and worst) of this season’s European soccer jerseys

Photo by TF-Images/Getty Images

Let’s take a look at the fashion statements made across the top four soccer leagues in the world

One of the most unique aspects of soccer is that a team gets to make a new image of itself when they release new jerseys or “kits” each season. In recognition of that, we have decided to give our honest and subjective opinions on the best and worst that the top European leagues have to offer this year.

We looked at the kits of all the teams in England’s Premier League, Spain’s La Liga, Italy’s Serie A, and Germany’s Bundesliga and selected five of the best and worst they will take the field in this year. The categories for judgement are:

Best Overall Team Kit: The team we felt had the best combination of home, away, and third kits

Worst Overall Team Kit: The team we felt could have brought their home, away, and third kits back to the drawing board

Most Boring Overall Team Kit: The team that needed more inspiration when creating their home, away and third kits

Best Individual Kit: We chose the one kit that was the most strikingly beautiful, amazing, and awesome throughout the entire league

Worst Individual Kit: After looking at all of the kits, these were the ones we think will be finding the clearance rack soon

We also decided to prevent teams from being placed in similar categories. For example, if a team was selected as the Worst Overall Kit, they could not be represented in the Worst Individual Kit. The same goest for Best Overall and Best Individual. However, as we will see later in this list, we allowed for a team to be selected for the Best and Worst Individual Kits if we felt they were merited.

Before we begin, all photos were taken from footyheadlines.com, one of the best websites for soccer jersey leaks and releases.

With that, we start our list in England.

English Premier League

This was apparently the year that Premier League kit makers decided to be experimental. Some kits worked well, others crashed and burned in glorious fashion.

Best Overall Team Kit: Everton

These kits are clean, bold, and inoffensive. The home kit is traditional with great subtle design details. The away kit features an amazing shade of yellow. The third kit is a shade of mint that we don’t love, but unlike a certain German team’s mint kit, the accents are subtle. A great result for Everton here from Hummel.

Honorable Mentions: Southampton, Manchester City, Arsenal

Worst Overall Team Kit: West Bromwich Albion

The home kit isn’t bad at all. In fact, the bar code stripes have been worn by West Brom before with good results. The problem really lies in the away and third kits. Not only does the same pattern in the home kit continue to the other two, but the colors are terrible. The away kit directly rips off a fellow English team in Norwich City and the third kit causes me such intense headaches that I can’t look at it for too long. Why Puma?

Honorable Mentions: Chelsea, Manchester United, Newcastle United

Most Boring Team Kit: Fulham

Simply put, all three of these kits look like they were Adidas templates you would use when you’re making jerseys for your rec league team. Add on the fact that the third kit was their same last year and these kits look like the epitome of laziness.

Honorable Mentions: Leicester City, Crystal Palace, West Ham United

Best Individual Kit: Manchester City away

via Footy Headlines

This thing is beautiful. Shades of blue in the gothic cathedral design on the shirt play nicely with the black base of the shirt. The bronze accents and bronze monochrome badge really make this kit the beauty that it is. Man City went in three bold directions with all of their kits, but this one totally payed off. Maybe the best Puma kit for the year.

Honorable Mentions: Southampton third, Leeds United away

Worst Individual Kit: Manchester United third

via Footy Headlines

Do I really need to explain this one? The same design is on the shorts too. Yikes Adidas.

Honorable Mentions: Chelsea third, Liverpool third, Newcastle third

La Liga

The top flight of Spain brought a lot to the table with many impressive kits. Some stood out like a sore thumb, but most of these were fantastic.

Best Overall Team Kit: SD Huesca

A quality kit collection should be balanced, clean and varied. Huesca nailed all three with their range for the 20/21 La Liga season. Choosing a soft color for the cross in the home kit allows it to complement, not contrast with, the deep yet sparkling blue. The away is simple and all white, but it’s cohesive and has an understated topographical design element giving it dimension. The third is quite simply a green and gold accented stunner. The zig-zag design element makes it look flowing and royal. You either play a sport as beautiful as football in it, or you clap twice to have peasants carry you on a golden pillow to a goblet filled with peeled grapes. No in between. I’m shocked Kelme produced our winners, but they deserve it.

Honorable Mentions: Deportivo Alaves, Eibar, Valencia

Worst Overall Team Kit: Real Madrid

This requires some defense as Real is one of the biggest clubs in the world. The home and away kits suffer from the same problems. They both just look like white and pink t-shirts with as minimal design as possible. A lack of design on the shoulders and sleeves hurt this kit. On top of those two, the third kit features a design that doesn’t make sense for Real Madrid and failed to impress the two of us. Better luck next year, adidas.

Honorable Mentions: Celta Vigo, Sevilla

Most Boring Overall Kit: Getafe

It’s the same shirt, three times, in three basic and flat colors: blue, red and white. As a consummate procrastinator, I know ‘Whew, at least I made the deadline’ when I see it. Do better Joma.

Honorable Mentions: Celta Vigo, Osasuna

Best Individual Kit: Cadiz away

via Footy Headlines

Full disclosure: I would place Huesca’s third kit here but we are trying to be fair. Having admitted that, Adidas’ design on Cadiz’s away shirt is not far beneath Huesca’s third shirt. It’s not as opulent, but it would still feel good to pull on ahead of a match. It has a wonderful use of an accent color, which is a vivid and perfect shade of yellow that contrasts well with its blues. I typically dislike plain gradients (see: Chelsea’s third shirt), but the upward stripes are actually design elements that merge to create a gradient effect. Up close they are unique and interesting, and that continues to the crest, which is outlined in yellow and filled-in with a pearlescence that shifts from blue to a soft pink or almost purple depending on the angle and available light.

Honorable Mentions: Barcelona away, Eibar away, Valencia away

Worst Individual Kit: Granada third

via Footy Headlines

This is just ugly fam. It doesn’t deserve the classical collar it has, the glowing aquamarine is framed by flat yellow sleeves, the sponsor is a big red ‘W’ and the crest and Nike logo are blacked out. It’s a confusing mess of a shirt and I hate it, so I’m going to show mercy and stop typing so that you can scroll down.

Honorable Mentions: Barcelona third, Villareal third

Serie A

A league in a country that is well known for its fashion produced some amazing kits. Unlike the other leagues, only two teams were in the running for worst overall team kit. But, the loser is a big one.

Best Overall Team Kit: Genoa

Genoa’s kits this season are as good as Genoa kits get. They have a set style and Kappa didn’t deviate, but this year I think they hit the pinnacle of what they’re capable of. The home is perfectly balanced and has understated design elements to give it depth. The away is just as balanced and looks especially clean on an all white backdrop. The third is the beauty of the bunch. I love how the logo and crest treatments make them a cohesive part of the shirt, and the subtle red in the collar accents the red piping down the sides. The prominent design on the shirt is balanced by deep colors, giving it depth and making it interesting even though it’s simple.

Honorable Mentions: AC Milan, Atalanta, Fiorentina

Worst Overall Team Kit: Juventus

I don’t know what Juventus is doing with any of these. There’s no cohesion in any of them and two of them look like they were designed by children at the height of a sugar rush. WHAT IF THE STRIPES WERE LIKE TIRE MARKS INSTEAD OF STRIPES JUST LIKE SKKKKKRRRRRR! WHAT IF IT WAS LIKE ORANGE CAMO BUT NOT REALLY ORANGE CAMO BUT LIKE IT LIKE JUST BSH YA BRRRSHHHHS ALL OVER! Go to your room, Adidas.

Honorable Mention: Sampdoria

Most Boring Team Kit: Spezia

The benefit of looking at these shirts is that they will make you infinitely interested in something else just to make sure you don’t accidentally slip into a coma. ONLY MALE PLATYPUSES ARE VENOMOUS — whew, thought we almost lost you there.

Honorable Mentions: Hellas Verona, Torino

Best Individual Kit: Roma away

via Footy Headlines

I feel things looking at this shirt. The primary thing is an appreciation for life and the possibility that it could be beautiful. This shirt is a reminder, or more accurately a refresher. It can exist, it can be endlessly beautiful, and that must mean that not everything is terrible. The cream with deep burgundy accents, the throwback wolf crest, the retro styling; it is a perfect shirt and Nike’s best of the year.

Honorable Mentions: Atalanta away, Inter Milan third, Genoa third

Worst Individual Kit: Roma third

via Footy Headlines

Nike, continuing their quest to be the most confusing kit manufacturer, made two stunning shirts (one an immediate classic) and then decided that they would build the third shirt using construction paper. It makes no sense, it’s overly complicated, poorly designed, and has what looks like asphalt pouring from the armpits. I almost respect Nike’s commitment to ensuring that their expectations are never set too high. Every now and then you gotta fart at the dinner table just so everyone is reminded that you do not, in fact, have your life together. Correct, this shirt is a fart.

Honorable Mentions: Inter Milan away, Napoli home, Sampdoria goalkeeper

Bundesliga

One of us writes for a Bundesliga team blog. So, when we say we were underwhelmed by the offerings from the German top flight, we really mean it.

Best Overall Team Kit: 1. FC Union Berlin

There weren’t many dazzling kits this year in the Bundesliga, but this one stood out for all the right reasons. The collar and sleeve stripes on the home kit are perfect. The lines on the away kit are a great color of blue. The third kit uses that same shade of blue plus some awesome design elements that help Adidas knock these kits out of the park.

Honorable Mentions: 1. FSV Mainz, Armenia Bielefeld, Borussia Mönchengladbach

Worst Overall Team Kit: RB Leipzig

We both realize what Nike was trying to do when they announced the third kits of a bunch of teams (see Juventus, Roma, PSG, Spurs, Chelsea) would take inspiration from old Nike Air Max shoes to show the connection between streetwear and football culture. The design they used on the third kit for RB Leipzig should have stayed on a pair of shoes. It is ugly to look at and I almost feel like there’s an optical illusion I should be finding. The away kit has two (2) different shades of yellow with the club crest and Nike logo being darker than the bulls on the front of the shirt. A boring, uninspired home kit wraps up this nightmare.

Honorable Mentions: SC Freiburg, Bayern Munich

Most Boring Team Kit: FC Augsburg

*snoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooore* Huh? Did something happen?

Alright, I know that Augsburg’s traditional kit structure is white home kit, green away kit, red third kit. But did they have to be so boring about it? Three radically different collar designs don’t help these shirts and Augsburg should think long and hard about what they’ve done.

Honorable Mentions: Bayer Leverkusen, VfL Wolfsburg

Best Individual Kit: VfB Stuttgart away

via Footy Headlines

Jako kits don’t often get a lot of love outside of Germany. But gaaaaawd these are sick. The monochrome badge plays really well with the intricate design of the map of the city of Stuttgart on the kit. They also apparently aligned the map in a way so that the middle of the stadium was under the crest. Lots of points for creativity and a fun look.

Honorable Mentions: Borussia Dortmund home

Worst Individual Kit: 1. FC Köln third kit

via Footy Headlines

To the average fan, this is a garish kit. However, for Köln fans, it’s a throwback to a classic shirt known as the “canary kit”.

However, unlike the effort from Puma in the 90s, this uhlsport kit has un-subtle and blocky stripes that truly ruin any good things coming for it. This reminds me more of something I’d be wearing on the 20th of April rather than what I’d wear to a football match.

Honorable Mentions: Bayern Munich third, VfL Wolfsburg third, RB Leipzig third

So these are our rankings. This is the way.

However, we know the conversation doesn’t end here. Let us know your thoughts and feelings in the comments.

André covers Chelsea’s men’s and women’s teams at We Ain’t Got No History and the Washington Spirit at Black and Red United. He can also be found tweeting aimlessly at @not_carlisle.

Jake covers Bayern Munich and German soccer in writing and via podcasting at Bavarian Football Works. He can be found screaming into the void on Twitter @jeffersonfenner.

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